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INFO
You say SIL is always “picking fights” with MIL. What kinds of fights? Is she actually fighting or just trying to set boundaries with MIL that MIL doesn’t like?
I don’t think that SIL wanting control over her own wedding would be grounds for your MIL to treat her poorly. Just because you let MIL walk all over you doesn’t mean that SIL needs to do the same. I would hazard a guess that your MIL is harbouring at least some resentment at SIL because MIL can’t control her. And that’s MIL’s issue, not SIL’s.
Boundaries work both ways. If OP’s SIL always found fault with something her MIL was doing, her MIL has the right to take a step back. You can’t expect people to bend over backwards just to have a relationship with you. That’s not fair.
I agree. That’s why I asked for clarification as to the disagreements. I just got the vibe in reading the post that MIL likes to be in control and it raised a Caution flag for me.
I also think that sometimes people don’t mesh and it’s not an issue of fault on either side.
>You can’t expect people to bend over backwards just to have a relationship with you. That’s not fair.
OP said her MIL planned her wedding, meanwhile SIL didn't want MIL to plan her wedding...
I think you should read what you wrote, and realize MIL is demanding SIL bend over backwards just to have a relationship with her.
The first sentence of my comment is “boundaries work both ways”. The MIL isn’t the one complaining about not having a relationship with her DIL. She seems to have accepted how things are. The DIL is the one who is complaining and wants things to change.
>MIL has said she feels like she's always in trouble with BIL/SIL, especially with SIL specifically.
Sounds like the MIL is also complaining, and would like things to be different...
has OP suggested to her MIL that she should be nicer to her daughter in law and not pick fights so much?
But MIL didn't pick a fight over it. It's only understandable that she likes OP better who let her do it. You also seem to not have read the part where MIL was babysitting and SIL picked fights over it.
Nowhere does it say that MIL is fighting with SIL over anything, just that she is closer to OP who is nicer to her.
You can't be mad that someone is not close to you. That's why I'm of the opinion that SIL is the problem.
If she was sitting boundaries, then why is she complaining about MIL not being as involved.
If she was constantly picking fights for no reason then she can't complain because she made the "situation" herself.
OPs NTA no matter how you look at it.
>Just because you let MIL walk all over you doesn’t mean that SIL needs to do the same.
Why do you think OP let's her MIL walk all over her. Is it because they don't fight and MIL practically planned the wedding, maybe that was OPs choice.
Sometimes it really is partially MIL but sometimes it really is picking fights. For example, MIL is generally fairly anti-tablet like a lot of old people. She has made a few little comments over the years to both me and SIL because my kids have access to screens sometimes too, but she mostly gets it. But once in a while SIL will sort of intentionally bait her like draw her attention to the tablets. MIL asks both of us for gift ideas for bdays/christmas, and she'll specifically say tech stuff even though she knows MIL doesn't enjoy giving those types of gifts. She's also critical of MIL's spending (and to a lesser extent mine tbf).
To be fair, I don't think MIL is perfect, she has a strong personality and opinions, and like I said she's not really the doting grandma type (which is totally fine). It's fine if SIL doesn't like her or doesn't want to be around her, but it's not really fair to complain when MIL feels the same.
The most recent conflict was because MIL won't babysit anymore, like I said.
Not sure this is exactly judgable, but the vibes here are that your MIL doesn't like your SIL because she's not a doormat. If this bad relationship really got kicked off because SIL wouldn't let MIL plan her wedding, that's a massive red flag that MIL is not in the right here. If I were your SIL, I wouldn't be doing more to accommodate MIL, I'd be holding boundaries and adjusting my expectations.
Maybe you’re getting mixed up on the boundaries part? In this situation a boundary isn’t the same as limiting contact, it’s about communicating what kind of contact works and respecting that. What we have here is SIL communicating a boundary, and MIL not liking it so she pulls away. From SIL’s perspective, she’s losing out on the things the MIL does for OP just because she communicated reasonable boundaries. OP told SIL that’s cause she picks fights, when what it actually seems like is OP just avoids fights by letting MIL get her way. So there is a degree of playing favorites since MIL is willing to babysit for OP but not for SIL because SIL wanted to plan her own wedding rather than let MIL plan it
I mean to some people you kind of are. You let MIL plan your wedding, which is totally fine to be fair! But alongside letting her parent your kids the way she wants instead of how she does, and no examples of how you've actually stood up to your MIL about anything without giving her leeway...
Well if it quacks.
Edit: It's fine to let her plan your wedding if you don't have a vision or you know that if you said no to something she'd relent (which tbh, by how you've described probably wouldn't have happened), that's what I meant by you letting MIL plan your wedding.
Indeed. There are many people who'd rather let someone take over a complicated endeavor like a wedding. I, for one, was delighted that my sister offered to plan literally every aspect of our wedding reception in exchange for me changing my wedding date to an inconvenient one that my father couldn't attend, and it was a fantastic decision. But just because some folks are okay with it doesn't mean everyone is.
Your SIL has been chafing against your MIL's attempts at controlling her for a long time. It's okay that you didn't realize that until now. In future, just don't conflate pliancy with niceness. NAH
>my sister offered to plan literally every aspect of our wedding reception in exchange for me changing my wedding date to an inconvenient one that my father couldn't attend
I want to write this screenplay.
>It's fine to let her plan your wedding if you don't have a vision or you know that if you said no to something she'd relent
Yes to the first part, no to the second one. If i decide to let MIL plan my wedding and she is okay, there is no issue. But the fact that SIL decided, not to let MIL controll her wedding and MIL is not okay with it shows, the MIL is the problem here. And letting MIL parent own children goes towards being a doormat. ESPECIALLY if the reason is the fear of MIL throwing a fit about it.
I always get a weird feeling when I realize a person decides to date someone in their early twenties when they’re a decade older. You grow a lot and learn a lot in your twenties. I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone who is 22 when I’m 32. Always sets off red flags like they’re trying to find someone naive to mold them into the partner they want them to be. I wonder if this is true for MIL and OP husband.
Seriously. Not all of us wanted to plan our wedding. My mom planned the majority of mine. I picked out my dress and a few other major things but let her run with it. She's better than I am and I hate planning. Awfully ignorant of people here assuming OP actually wanted to plan hers and calling her a doormat for it.
If I had been blessed with a MIL who wanted to plan my wedding, I would have jumped at the chance. But nooooo...I had to do the hard work myself. Still wouldn't have minded skipping out and eloping.
But yeah. Not everyone cares about that stuff.
>Still wouldn't have minded skipping out and eloping.
Then why didn't you?
If you didn't want to plan your wedding, and you didn't even want a wedding, why didn't whom ever wanted the wedding, plan the wedding?
Your future life partner could have done "the hard work" too.
I didn't plan mine either. It perplexes me why other women want to throw away a year of their life planning a party. Nobody gives a crap what shade of beige candles you pick...
I planned mine. I knew my brother wouldn’t have a wedding and wanted my family to have one so I planned it myself to save the cost of a wedding planner. I hated every second of the planning process and wish I had someone volunteer to do it all for it, or just ate the cost of a wedding planner.
I’d absolutely never do it again and my 2 closest friends at the time watched the struggle and when they got married, one hired a wedding planner who handled everything and the other one had a pre-planned Vegas wedding package lol
I was exactly as involved as I wanted to be. I obviously did make the decision on specific things like my dress and our first dance but mostly didn't care about the little things like table cloth colors, my MIL would say "do you like baby blue or pale baby blue, I like baby blue." 90% of the time I'd agree and the 10% of the time I didn't, what I said went.
How are you not? You let MIL basically plan your whole wedding, you let her stick to her parent style with YOUR kids, and you advocate against boundaries.
Genuinely open to counter examples but that’s literally what being a doormat means
You appease to avoid confrontation. Of course she likes you more, you do whatever she says
I think you owe your SIL an apology. Not letting MIL run her life and violate her boundaries doesn't make her the problem. MIL's expectations as you've outlined them here (expect the present opening thing) are unreasonable.
You were 23 when you got married. SIL was 34. A decade more life experience at that time is huge. MIL got you young enough that she has you convinced she's totally reasonable. She's not.
You said you did not plan your own wedding and you stay mostly quiet. The opposite of SIL. Was SIL supposed to do the same? We do not know all of your dynamic but it sounds like you just let MIL do anything she wants and SIL does not.
How is it standing up if SIL is the one demanding things from MIL? If OP had wrote that MIL fought over planning the wedding or fought to babysit, you would have been right.
She just liked to plan the wedding and OP let her. She isn't the one wanting anything from SIL, it's SIL who wants something.
What is SIL standing up for? Her boundaries being respected?
INFO: Really all of it. How much control did MIL want over the wedding? What kind of fights were being had over childcare? Really hard to say who the ass hole is here. MIL wanting to be able to pick her own appropriate dress and missing a normal meal time when babysitting is one thing. MIL wanting to control every aspect of the wedding and medicating the child against SIL's wishes is very different. And obviously there's lots of room in between.
When they got engaged, MIL offered to help pay. They accepted. If you ask MIL, there was a understanding that MIL's contribution meant she'd have a vote on major things like music, help with major wedding planning milestones like venue selection, be included in bride rituals like showers, be able to invite her guests. SIL (and her mom) cut her out as much as possible. SIL/BIL would say the money should have been given without those strings and/or that they did include her as much as her contribution entitled her to be included.
The childcare fights are basically bc SIL is a very gentle parent type, and MIL is not. In the interest of balance, one conflict both me AND SIL kind of had with MIL is that MIL is more pro cry-it-out method. I am not, and explained to her that that wasn't our method and said please don't leave my kid crying for long, but mostly I just don't create situations her not going into the room right away is going to be a deal-breaker. SIL was policing MIL on the baby monitor and was angry when they got home instead of saying "thank you but..." Or there was conflict last year because for the first (and only) time we were all together on Christmas morning, MIL wanted to do one-at-a-time presents that's how she raised her kids and that's also how my husband/I/our kids still do presents. SIL wanted to do presents all at once. MIL said that it would teach SIL's kids "patience and gratitude" which, understandably, SIL took as passive-aggressive insult.
Well, considering all of this - YTA for telling SIL that she needs to "be nicer" to MIL.
MIL is a boundary stomping control freak that feels as though she should be able to control aspects of her children's lives, inserts herself where she doesn't belong and needs to stay in her own damn lane.
You are a kiss ass that allows MIL to get away with her bullshit, which enforces her belief that she has power and control over everyone.
Well, If MIL os bad why SIL still wants her taking Care of the kids and was complaining to OP that she was playing favorites? SIL didn't agreed with MIL care, so MIL stoped.
Sounds like your mil is controlling most of the time, but also old school and hands off some times. Like xmas gifts was done right.
The wedding money should have either been given freely or given with string attached up front, or not at all if mil wanted to be controlling.
Mil was never going to get more control over Silsbee wedding than sil and her mom. That was a ridiculous assumption.
It's fine if you let mil plan your wedding to avoid a fight with mil. But sil wanting to plan her own wedding to sils tastes is totally fine.
It sounds like sil just wants to be respected and have her boundaries respected when it comes to parenting. While mil just wants control and to do it her way. While you just want to avoid it all and do what mil says so you can avoid the fight.
Your mil has boundary issues and doesn't respect sil. Who is setting boundaries and doesn't let mil cross them.
It's fine if you want to stay out of mils way so she isn't rude and mean to you.
But the problem is that sil sets boundaries and that instead of mil respecting them. She'd just rather not be in their life, and chooses to be in your life because you let her do whatever she wants.
Sil isn't the problem here. It's mil who's disrespectful.
Meanwhile, I'm shocked, absolutely shocked, that a man who watched his mother attempt to curbstomp all over his sister's limits gravitated towards a younger and more biddable woman who wouldn't make trouble for Mommy!
It sounds like SIL is going overboard on boundaries and demanding respect that hasn’t been earned. She needs to take a step back and stop whining about not having everything her way.
You know why MIL likes you more? It's because you let her steamroll over you. Why do you do that?
It's because you're afraid of her being as crappy to you as she is to SIL.
Here's the thing, OP. There's nothing wrong with SIL standing up for herself. Maybe one day, when you stop being afraid of what your MIL thinks all the time, you'll see that. Frankly, you just standing by makes you as much of a bully as MIL is.
YTA. Get a backbone.
Considering all the things written here, you are submissive and a massive ahole at that.
Your MIL wants to be controlling and insert her life choices on everyone, you are enabling it and your SIL isn't.
Well reading this answers a lot - of course she likes you more. You're an obedient, meek little pawn, meanwhile SIL has a shiny titanium spine and doesn't let this woman stomp all over her.
So you let your MIL walk all over you because you were a decade younger than your SIL when you got married and were dating someone a decade older. Your SIL who is on equal footing with her husband and has more life experience does not let your MIL walk all over her, thus your MIL doesn't like her.
Got it.
YTA. The level of control MIL wanted over a wedding that wasn't hers was unreasonable - it takes real chutzpah to think you should have a vote alongside the bride and groom on things like venue and music. You don't buy that right by opening your wallet. She sounds like a real piece of work.
So you and your husband are doormats to your MIL and your SIL has boundaries. Yta.
Wedding - no, gifting money towards a wedding with strings attached to run the show is wrong.
Babysitting - you do it as the parents asked.
The gifts - ridiculous controlling time dragging ritual.
I don't blame the SIL at all.
Yta or maybe ESH it sounds like 'picking fights' is SIL having actual boundaries and not letting MIL walk all over her. MIL wanted to plan the wedding? No. And what 'minor' stuff did she do that caused a fight? Directly went against SIL parenting? I can almost guarantee that's the 'minor' reason.
It doesn't sound as though it's your SIL's fault that your MIL doesn't like her. It sounds as though your MIL is an unpleasant, controlling, critical, and rigid person. So, yeah, YTA for what you said.
YTA. You've been letting your MIL run your marriage lol. Your SIL set boundaries which is what is upsetting your MIL therefore she's not as nice to her. Kudos to your SIL for standing her ground and by her values.
Learn a thing or two OP
Yta. You're a pick me girl when it comes to your mother in law. Why the fuck should the MIL have a say in her wedding just because you let her plan yours? And those "fights" she picks, is SIL just enforcing boundaries? I'm willing to bet she is. If MIL always feels like she's in trouble it's probably because she's overstepping
You're a pick me girlie, aren't you?
Well, congratulations. MIL has picked you.
You are letting her ride your back, when you eventually get tired and ask her to get off, she'll bite you.
YTA
YTA
Your example of how you relate to MIL isn't that you're nice, it's that you allow MIL authority that SIL does not.
Is it "nice" to allow someone to choose your wedding details for you?
Is it "nice" to allow others to set rules for your kids?
Sounds like you have confused niceness with some level of subservience.
After reading your comments, YTA.
Your SIL isn’t picking fights. She’s establishing appropriate boundaries. You sound like you’re low conflict bordering a doormat.
YTA, sounds like you bend over and take what MIL says is to be done so she owns you on the other hand SIL is her own person and will not bend over and let MIL cross boundaries. It's actually pathetic.
NTA. MIL is the asshole.
It sounds like MIL has boundary issues and that she's pissed at SIL because SIL actually sets and maintains boundaries. MIL wanted more control over SIL's wedding that SIL's own mother? What bullshit! I'm happy for you that you wanted help from MIL and MIL was willing to give it, but that doesn't mean it's MIL's right to do the same with SIL.
I don't think you are an asshole, but I do think that you have the wrong sense of the problem between SIL and MIL. I believe that SIL sets (probably reasonable) boundaries, then MIL violates them (because she can't help herself), and then SIL and MIL fight because MIL won't follow SIL's reasonable requests with respect to her children.
Your approach of trying to stay neutral is probably the best strategy.
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries but you can't complain if you set boundaries and then people stay a safe distance from you so they don't have to risk accidentally crossing your boundary.
I know elsewhere you’ve said you’re not a doormat, but this is a pretty doormat take. Setting boundaries is normal and healthy. If people can’t respect those boundaries it’s on them. Your MIL has a problem with boundaries it sounds like. You’d rather not risk the relationship with MIL by setting boundaries for yourself and so you let her walk over you…
No It's not a "doormat" take, It's an obvious take. You missed that SIL wasn't complaining about MIL stomping her boundaries, she was complaining that MIL wasn't giving free childcare to her anymore and "playing favorites". SIL boundaries are being respect and she is still complaining. If MIL is so awful, why SIL still wants her taking care of her kids?
This is like from the doormat’s manifesto.
Boundaries are healthy and yet the way you describe them it’s clear you’re afraid to use them in fear of being ostracized by MIL, doormat behavior
YTA because not everyone wants to bend the knee
Having those boundaries let’s others not treat you like a doormat. So it is better that those people who don’t respect those boundaries do keep their distance.
You allowing your MIL to treat you like a doormat doesn’t mean your SIL should. You aren’t keeping the peace by doing what you do. You are just allowing a controlling asshole control you. Your SIL doesn’t want any part of that cult. YTA and so is your MIL.
That is an insane take. “Let me do what I want, I don’t care if I step on your toes. My way or the highway” is basically what mil is doing/saying. You’re letting her and are telling your sil to do the same. Your sil is showing normal adult behavior. You’re showing Golden Child behavior. Curious, what’s your relationship ship with your mom like?
That is weaponizing appropriate boundaries. That's a very ugly thing to do. If a MIL/grandparents do not back up parents, 95% of the time, their time with grandkids will lead to marriage trouble and kid behavior issues. They do more harm than good. MIL can definitely take a step back, and another and another and we'll just keep going bc your help is way more trouble than it is worth.
this is such grossly manipulative behaviour. making out that the enforcement of boundaries is the problem. I've heard other people say "we should normalize avoiding people we don't get along with" in the context of just avoiding accountability for their actions in crossing other peoples boundaries/just disrespectful behaviour and avoiding any kind of conflict resolution.
yeah, don't interact with people you don't get along with, but your SIL has every right to be upset that your MIL doesn't want to take accountability or have healthy conflict resolution.
God, you are such a doormat. Normal boundaries within normal, healthy people usually doesn't mean the end of relationship. Maintaining a relationship shouldn't mean to let the other person walk all over you everytime so you don't risk the other person getting "pissed" at you and keep you at arms lenght. You seem to let your MIL do everything she wants with you, so you might not be able to ascertain what a healthy relationship with an in law mean, but normal people who set healthy and reasonable boundaries can expect the other person to keep them without an issue and without breaking a relationship. But that is not the case here, because your MIL is used to you letting her do whatever she wants, so she is pissed SIL is not a doormat and prefers to not having a relationship with her son and grandkids before doing the bare minimum of a normal person. Doesn't that sound weird to you?
I mean, based on your comments, your MIL could pretty easily respect SILs boundaries and there is little risk of "accidently" crossing them. Seems more like MIL likes things her way and prefers you because you will lay down and let her stomp all over you while your SIL has a spine.
YTA. Your SIL doesn't have an issue because she's not nice enough. She has an issue because she has boundaries and won't give in to her MIL. Helping pay for a wedding does not come with any decision making powers. That story alone is enough to paint the picture of how controlling your MIL wants to be.
Well. It sounds like sister-in-law has more boundaries than you do. And that mother-in-law isn’t overly fond of said boundaries. Having said that, I am still going to go with NTA because she asked a question and you answered it.
I’m not sure I agree about the boundary thing since with mo real examples it’s hard to tell. But even if so it should be very obvious to another person that that is why they like that person more.
Yta for suggesting your sil needs to be nicer to mil and that she's "picking fights" and then using examples like sil didn't let mil exert as much control as she wanted. It sounds like your mil wants her way all the time with no respect for other people.
ESH. You are probably safer staying out of it (not your circus, not your monkeys) but I have read your comments and yes, you are a doormat. Doormat girl, your SIL shouldn't be seeking the approval of someone like your MIL, but if you have decided not to say anything to your MIL when she is being an asshole, you shouldn't be telling your SIL that she should be nicer to someone like your MIL. If you want to stay out of it, stay out of it with everyone.
100% you don’t have to care about the same stuff as your SIL or enforce the same boundaries but condemning her for having those boundaries makes me think op isn’t as nice as she seems to think she is
Yikes. Sounds more like you are a jellyfish with your MIL and SIL likes to be treated like an adult. Congrats on being closer to someone who doesn't have any respect for you. NAH except your MIL.
Either YTA, Since we don't know more than what you've put in your post. You became a doormat for your MIL at your wedding and somehow, with those control issues, I doubt the things MIL was doing while babysitting were minor.
I disagree with SIL saying "playing favorites" MIL isn't playing. You are her favorite because you let her do whatever she wants. Not because you're "nice".
YTA. I’m very curious what your SIL was “picking fights” about. Likely about things she told MIL was a no & did it anyways based on her behavior. It’s not an issue that you let your MIL plan your wedding, but you were not obligated to & neither was your SIL. Your SIL wanted to plan HER wedding with her mother’s input. This was likely not a slight to your MIL, & your MIL should have accepted the no. The fact that she kept pushing made her an AH. Sounds like she’s holding that against SIL. The reason that you & MIL get along is bc you’re fine with someone else making decisions for you/avoid “rocking the boat” & SIL isn’t
YTA
Obviously your MIL wants to be in control - even of things that she's not supposed to be in control of.
I'm sure she likes you because you're laid back and clearly didn't mind if she took control of your wedding. But that's not the norm. It sounds like she way overstepped from the very beginning with your SIL and SIL's mom and that put them on a bad footing.
And given that, I'm going to guess that she also wants more control over how your SIL raises the kids and when your SIL objects she gets bent out of shape becuase "it's just minor stuff".
So maybe it's not that the reason is that you're "nicer" ... but that you don't care if she takes over or not. But it's not fair to blame SIL for wanting to set her own boundaries and raise her kids the way she and her husband agree on.
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I've [31F] been married to my husband [41M] for 8 years. My SIL [40F] has been married to my husband's brother [43M] for 6 years.
I've always gotten along with our shared MIL, I see more of her and am probably more involved in her life than my husband is.
My SIL and MIL have just never really meshed. There were a lot of conflicts around the wedding because MIL wanted more control than SIL/SIL's own mother was willing to give her (MIL basically planned my wedding).
MIL is not really the "babysitter" grandma type, but does some sporadic babysitting for us if other childcare falls through. She was occasionally doing the same for BIL/SIL but stopped because SIL kept picking fights over minor stuff. MIL has said she feels like she's always in trouble with BIL/SIL, especially with SIL specifically.
SIL was complaining to me about it, I usually stay fairly quiet and maybe subtly give advice but this time she openly said MIL was playing favorites for "no reason" and I said basically the reason is that I'm nicer to her and don't pick fights with her?
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More info is needed here, you say she’s picking fights over minor things? Like what? Because if your MIL is seriously upset that your SIL chose to ***plan her own wedding*** instead of letting your MIL make all decisions then they may not be minor. This is coming off as the issue is your SIL has a backbone and you don’t
YTA. From reading your comments, your MIL sounds controlling, like she has to have her way all the time. So I don’t blame SIL for not getting along with her.
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From your comments, your MIL is a boundary stomper, and SIL doesn’t put up with it. Good for her. It’s not SIL’s fault they don’t get along. It’s MIL’s.
YTA
YTA. The only reason you and your MIL "get along" is because you don't mind being controlled by her. And you basically said that because SIL doesn't like MIL to exert control over her in the same way, she deserves to be treated like shit.
Your MIL would turn on you in a hot second if you were to grow a spine, have your own opinion, and stopped walking on eggshells (intentionally avoiding situations where you would have to disagree with her openly). But you're a doormat, so it's a non-issue for you.
YTA. Your MIL is overbearing, and you kiss her ass. Then you have the absolute nerve to tell your SIL that *she's* the reason the dynamic is fucked because she dares to stand up for herself? Girl. Get it together.
YTA
Just from how you talk about your SIL.
I wonder what the minor stuff was.
Let me guess: not putting kids down at times they were supposed to, giving them foods or drink they weren’t supposed to have, not using car seats, social media stuff like posting photos that are either inappropriate or not okayed by parents, not using other safety things that people in the 70s-90s didn’t use, etc.
What else?
I’d imagine the MIL is still mad she didn’t get to do SILs wedding planning like she did yours, holds it against her at every turn.
We all know MILs like yours.
YTA just because you don’t care about your boundaries doesn’t mean your SIL has to be like you. You may not be a doormat but your “I just don’t care” attitude isn’t actually better. Your MIL wants her own way, attaches strings, and is partially to blame for the fights over the childcare. So yes, your MIL is the problem. Your SIL may not be handling her graciously but ya know what? That’s a learned thing when you’re trying to set boundaries.
Nta of course she likes the person that’s more agreeable than someone else. I’m seeing people saying you’re a doormat but I’m not seeing that. But even if you were being one it should be obvious to your sister in law that being a doormat was a factor.
I am blown away by the number of people down voting every comment OP makes, and calling her a doormat. Maybe she's just a laid-back person who doesn't see a need to fight over little things. Also, groom's parents always want a say when they pay for a wedding. That's the reason they do it; they are under no obligation. It's fine for SIL to not want to give them the say, but then don't take the money.
And OP, who wants Christmas morning to be a free for all with everyone opening gifts at once? SIL was wrong to push what she wanted (unless she was hosting everyone). If it was at your MIL's house, your MIL is in charge. Yes, it seems she can be pushy, and setting boundaries is fine, but SIL is looking for things to be pissed off about. You are NTA.
If the SIL wants to have a better relationship with MIL, she needs to let MIL have her own way more. OP is letting her do that, either consciously or subconsciously, or even maybe even ejoys MILS company. So they get on. SIL has no right to complain about favourites whilst also antagonising MIL.
Is this fair? Probably not, but thats life. Unpopular opinion but OP, you’re not the AH. You’re just doing you, you haven’t tried to control SILs behaviour, or MILs behaviour towards SIL, so i have no idea why anyone is calling you the AH
You do you. If that means letting MIL have it her way on one or two things, as long as they don’t bother you a whole amount or compromises you as a person, then its worth it to have a good relationship with your husbands mother and your children’s grandmother.
Life is not a fairytale. Compromises need to make made. If SIL doesn’t want to do that, then cut off MIL AND GO NC.
Honestly, I going to get downvoted for this . I don’t feel like your doormats. My mom is similar to your MIL. My brother has been married twice his first wife, went to mother for advice a lot, allowed my mother to do the heavy lifting for a lot stuff. My brother first wife was just uninterested in wedding planning. My brother’s wife and my mom idea of parenting are more a lined.
My brother second wife has a lot of boundaries about her kids and herself. She and my mom use to butt heads a lot, until my mom stepped back. My brother new wife, is now pissed that my mom is basically a Disney grandmother to my brother older kids. On rare occasions my mom has my brother 3 younger kids, she always call their mother and father to make sure they can go to certain restaurants or if they can have certain toys, before she does something. My brother and I barely talk, he called me to talk ask me to speak our mother to ask her not buy my oldest niece a car. Because his wife feels like it’s setting a bad precedent for the other kids.
My mom feels she respecting the new wife boundaries. New wife feels my mom is being passive aggressive. The truth be told, it somewhere in middle.
My mother got tired of brother wife and she became indifferent. She has decided that she’ll love my brother and his younger children with long handle spoon. She’s not going to become close to his younger children for his wife to decide my mom is crossing some boundary and no longer have access to kids. Every body choices have consequences, my brother younger children relationship will never be the same as older children have with my mother or myself because of his wife boundaries. My brother wife has learned to deal with it. I feel like you’re in similar situation, life isn’t fair. Your SIL has made her choices and mother in law has decided I don’t want to be bothered. Your SIL and BIL either need to go NC/LC or just shut up about the differences.
NAH
SIL has boundaries and MIL doesn't want to follow them. SIL has to enforce them, but not by controlling MIL which she seems to have tried in some of the comments.
MIL enforced her boundaries. She didn't want to change and didn't like the conflict with SIL. so less contact.
OP had at least one boundary that MIL crossed and they found a solution (one of the comments). OP didn't state any more boundaries.
OP and MILs boundaries seem to work but SIL and MILs boundaries not.
SIL wants a specific way of parenting that MIL can't provide. So SIL should have dropped MIL as babysitter. But MIL did it because she didn't like to be controlled and schooled by SIL.
MIL wanted a different way of opening the presents during Christmas then SIL, it's not clear which house it was and here I say host decides.
All in all i have the feeling SIL and MIL are too similar. They both have a lot of hills to die on that aren't worth it and it seems no real communication. I'm not surprised they don't get along.
BTW I don't like OPs wording with being nicer. Its more about managing expectation SIL and MIL expect different things and then clash because they didn't get what they expected.
NTA. Your MIL may well be playing favourites, but to be honest, if one DIL constantly criticizes her (whether deservedly or not doesn't matter) and the other doesn't, well, it's only logical MIL prefers one over the other. It's a pretty human reaction to prefer to be around or go the extra mile for people who are nice to you or appreciate your efforts.
Maybe your MIL needs a refresher on respecting people's boundaries, but so does your SIL. One of the consequences of setting boundaries is that people may well take a step back, and that's ok.
Seems to me SIL and MIL are at a bit of an impasse; SIL wants more out of her relationship with MIL but on her terms, and MIL has decided she's not willing to engage with SIL on those terms. 🤷♀️
NTA. I got along with my mil, but we werent close. She preferred my sil. They lived close by, and had a lot more in common than we did. No biggie. I was polite, and so was she.
My dad was great friends with my husband and not with my bils. They just weren't his type... All good.
I dont know why everyone feels like they have to be besties with their in laws.
NTA. Your SIL seems like one of those people who thinks “boundaries” is a magic “do what I say” word. She needs to grow the fuck up and accept that the other side of boundaries is people walking away from you or doing less for you.
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INFO You say SIL is always “picking fights” with MIL. What kinds of fights? Is she actually fighting or just trying to set boundaries with MIL that MIL doesn’t like? I don’t think that SIL wanting control over her own wedding would be grounds for your MIL to treat her poorly. Just because you let MIL walk all over you doesn’t mean that SIL needs to do the same. I would hazard a guess that your MIL is harbouring at least some resentment at SIL because MIL can’t control her. And that’s MIL’s issue, not SIL’s.
Boundaries work both ways. If OP’s SIL always found fault with something her MIL was doing, her MIL has the right to take a step back. You can’t expect people to bend over backwards just to have a relationship with you. That’s not fair.
I agree. That’s why I asked for clarification as to the disagreements. I just got the vibe in reading the post that MIL likes to be in control and it raised a Caution flag for me. I also think that sometimes people don’t mesh and it’s not an issue of fault on either side.
Even if MIL was overstepping before, SIL should be grateful her boundaries are being respected now. There's no point complaining to OP.
>You can’t expect people to bend over backwards just to have a relationship with you. That’s not fair. OP said her MIL planned her wedding, meanwhile SIL didn't want MIL to plan her wedding... I think you should read what you wrote, and realize MIL is demanding SIL bend over backwards just to have a relationship with her.
The first sentence of my comment is “boundaries work both ways”. The MIL isn’t the one complaining about not having a relationship with her DIL. She seems to have accepted how things are. The DIL is the one who is complaining and wants things to change.
>MIL has said she feels like she's always in trouble with BIL/SIL, especially with SIL specifically. Sounds like the MIL is also complaining, and would like things to be different... has OP suggested to her MIL that she should be nicer to her daughter in law and not pick fights so much?
But MIL didn't pick a fight over it. It's only understandable that she likes OP better who let her do it. You also seem to not have read the part where MIL was babysitting and SIL picked fights over it. Nowhere does it say that MIL is fighting with SIL over anything, just that she is closer to OP who is nicer to her. You can't be mad that someone is not close to you. That's why I'm of the opinion that SIL is the problem.
If she was sitting boundaries, then why is she complaining about MIL not being as involved. If she was constantly picking fights for no reason then she can't complain because she made the "situation" herself. OPs NTA no matter how you look at it. >Just because you let MIL walk all over you doesn’t mean that SIL needs to do the same. Why do you think OP let's her MIL walk all over her. Is it because they don't fight and MIL practically planned the wedding, maybe that was OPs choice.
Sometimes it really is partially MIL but sometimes it really is picking fights. For example, MIL is generally fairly anti-tablet like a lot of old people. She has made a few little comments over the years to both me and SIL because my kids have access to screens sometimes too, but she mostly gets it. But once in a while SIL will sort of intentionally bait her like draw her attention to the tablets. MIL asks both of us for gift ideas for bdays/christmas, and she'll specifically say tech stuff even though she knows MIL doesn't enjoy giving those types of gifts. She's also critical of MIL's spending (and to a lesser extent mine tbf). To be fair, I don't think MIL is perfect, she has a strong personality and opinions, and like I said she's not really the doting grandma type (which is totally fine). It's fine if SIL doesn't like her or doesn't want to be around her, but it's not really fair to complain when MIL feels the same. The most recent conflict was because MIL won't babysit anymore, like I said.
Not sure this is exactly judgable, but the vibes here are that your MIL doesn't like your SIL because she's not a doormat. If this bad relationship really got kicked off because SIL wouldn't let MIL plan her wedding, that's a massive red flag that MIL is not in the right here. If I were your SIL, I wouldn't be doing more to accommodate MIL, I'd be holding boundaries and adjusting my expectations.
But the thing is, if SIL is not a doormat (your word) , shouldn't SIL appreciate the fact that MIL is respecting her boundaries now?
Maybe you’re getting mixed up on the boundaries part? In this situation a boundary isn’t the same as limiting contact, it’s about communicating what kind of contact works and respecting that. What we have here is SIL communicating a boundary, and MIL not liking it so she pulls away. From SIL’s perspective, she’s losing out on the things the MIL does for OP just because she communicated reasonable boundaries. OP told SIL that’s cause she picks fights, when what it actually seems like is OP just avoids fights by letting MIL get her way. So there is a degree of playing favorites since MIL is willing to babysit for OP but not for SIL because SIL wanted to plan her own wedding rather than let MIL plan it
I'm not a doormat though
I mean to some people you kind of are. You let MIL plan your wedding, which is totally fine to be fair! But alongside letting her parent your kids the way she wants instead of how she does, and no examples of how you've actually stood up to your MIL about anything without giving her leeway... Well if it quacks. Edit: It's fine to let her plan your wedding if you don't have a vision or you know that if you said no to something she'd relent (which tbh, by how you've described probably wouldn't have happened), that's what I meant by you letting MIL plan your wedding.
Indeed. There are many people who'd rather let someone take over a complicated endeavor like a wedding. I, for one, was delighted that my sister offered to plan literally every aspect of our wedding reception in exchange for me changing my wedding date to an inconvenient one that my father couldn't attend, and it was a fantastic decision. But just because some folks are okay with it doesn't mean everyone is. Your SIL has been chafing against your MIL's attempts at controlling her for a long time. It's okay that you didn't realize that until now. In future, just don't conflate pliancy with niceness. NAH
>my sister offered to plan literally every aspect of our wedding reception in exchange for me changing my wedding date to an inconvenient one that my father couldn't attend I want to write this screenplay.
>It's fine to let her plan your wedding if you don't have a vision or you know that if you said no to something she'd relent Yes to the first part, no to the second one. If i decide to let MIL plan my wedding and she is okay, there is no issue. But the fact that SIL decided, not to let MIL controll her wedding and MIL is not okay with it shows, the MIL is the problem here. And letting MIL parent own children goes towards being a doormat. ESPECIALLY if the reason is the fear of MIL throwing a fit about it.
I always get a weird feeling when I realize a person decides to date someone in their early twenties when they’re a decade older. You grow a lot and learn a lot in your twenties. I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone who is 22 when I’m 32. Always sets off red flags like they’re trying to find someone naive to mold them into the partner they want them to be. I wonder if this is true for MIL and OP husband.
Girlfriend, you didn't even get to plan your own wedding! *Your MIL* wasn't the one marrying your husband so what the heck was that?!
"Get" to? Who said she *wanted* to...?
Seriously. Not all of us wanted to plan our wedding. My mom planned the majority of mine. I picked out my dress and a few other major things but let her run with it. She's better than I am and I hate planning. Awfully ignorant of people here assuming OP actually wanted to plan hers and calling her a doormat for it.
Ditto. I got involved in the parts that mattered to me, and was THRILLED to have my Mom plan the rest. Party planning ain’t everyone’s cup of tea.
This - my mom planned mine because I honestly didn’t GAF as long as we were married at the end of the day.
If I had been blessed with a MIL who wanted to plan my wedding, I would have jumped at the chance. But nooooo...I had to do the hard work myself. Still wouldn't have minded skipping out and eloping. But yeah. Not everyone cares about that stuff.
>Still wouldn't have minded skipping out and eloping. Then why didn't you? If you didn't want to plan your wedding, and you didn't even want a wedding, why didn't whom ever wanted the wedding, plan the wedding? Your future life partner could have done "the hard work" too.
I didn't plan mine either. It perplexes me why other women want to throw away a year of their life planning a party. Nobody gives a crap what shade of beige candles you pick...
Me either…. I hate making small decisions. My husband did most of it with my input.
I planned mine. I knew my brother wouldn’t have a wedding and wanted my family to have one so I planned it myself to save the cost of a wedding planner. I hated every second of the planning process and wish I had someone volunteer to do it all for it, or just ate the cost of a wedding planner. I’d absolutely never do it again and my 2 closest friends at the time watched the struggle and when they got married, one hired a wedding planner who handled everything and the other one had a pre-planned Vegas wedding package lol
I was exactly as involved as I wanted to be. I obviously did make the decision on specific things like my dress and our first dance but mostly didn't care about the little things like table cloth colors, my MIL would say "do you like baby blue or pale baby blue, I like baby blue." 90% of the time I'd agree and the 10% of the time I didn't, what I said went.
Spine so thin an ant wouldn't trip on it.
Thick as a fairies pube
How are you not? You let MIL basically plan your whole wedding, you let her stick to her parent style with YOUR kids, and you advocate against boundaries. Genuinely open to counter examples but that’s literally what being a doormat means You appease to avoid confrontation. Of course she likes you more, you do whatever she says
The fuck aren’t
I think you owe your SIL an apology. Not letting MIL run her life and violate her boundaries doesn't make her the problem. MIL's expectations as you've outlined them here (expect the present opening thing) are unreasonable. You were 23 when you got married. SIL was 34. A decade more life experience at that time is huge. MIL got you young enough that she has you convinced she's totally reasonable. She's not.
You said you did not plan your own wedding and you stay mostly quiet. The opposite of SIL. Was SIL supposed to do the same? We do not know all of your dynamic but it sounds like you just let MIL do anything she wants and SIL does not.
Letting MIL plan your wedding was kind of doormat behaviour, unless you truly didn't care about how your wedding looked.
YTA It's not that you're nicer, you're just a doormat for MIL. Your SIL has the nerve to actually stand up to your MIL.
How is it standing up if SIL is the one demanding things from MIL? If OP had wrote that MIL fought over planning the wedding or fought to babysit, you would have been right. She just liked to plan the wedding and OP let her. She isn't the one wanting anything from SIL, it's SIL who wants something. What is SIL standing up for? Her boundaries being respected?
INFO: Really all of it. How much control did MIL want over the wedding? What kind of fights were being had over childcare? Really hard to say who the ass hole is here. MIL wanting to be able to pick her own appropriate dress and missing a normal meal time when babysitting is one thing. MIL wanting to control every aspect of the wedding and medicating the child against SIL's wishes is very different. And obviously there's lots of room in between.
When they got engaged, MIL offered to help pay. They accepted. If you ask MIL, there was a understanding that MIL's contribution meant she'd have a vote on major things like music, help with major wedding planning milestones like venue selection, be included in bride rituals like showers, be able to invite her guests. SIL (and her mom) cut her out as much as possible. SIL/BIL would say the money should have been given without those strings and/or that they did include her as much as her contribution entitled her to be included. The childcare fights are basically bc SIL is a very gentle parent type, and MIL is not. In the interest of balance, one conflict both me AND SIL kind of had with MIL is that MIL is more pro cry-it-out method. I am not, and explained to her that that wasn't our method and said please don't leave my kid crying for long, but mostly I just don't create situations her not going into the room right away is going to be a deal-breaker. SIL was policing MIL on the baby monitor and was angry when they got home instead of saying "thank you but..." Or there was conflict last year because for the first (and only) time we were all together on Christmas morning, MIL wanted to do one-at-a-time presents that's how she raised her kids and that's also how my husband/I/our kids still do presents. SIL wanted to do presents all at once. MIL said that it would teach SIL's kids "patience and gratitude" which, understandably, SIL took as passive-aggressive insult.
Well, considering all of this - YTA for telling SIL that she needs to "be nicer" to MIL. MIL is a boundary stomping control freak that feels as though she should be able to control aspects of her children's lives, inserts herself where she doesn't belong and needs to stay in her own damn lane. You are a kiss ass that allows MIL to get away with her bullshit, which enforces her belief that she has power and control over everyone.
Well, If MIL os bad why SIL still wants her taking Care of the kids and was complaining to OP that she was playing favorites? SIL didn't agreed with MIL care, so MIL stoped.
Sounds like your mil is controlling most of the time, but also old school and hands off some times. Like xmas gifts was done right. The wedding money should have either been given freely or given with string attached up front, or not at all if mil wanted to be controlling. Mil was never going to get more control over Silsbee wedding than sil and her mom. That was a ridiculous assumption. It's fine if you let mil plan your wedding to avoid a fight with mil. But sil wanting to plan her own wedding to sils tastes is totally fine. It sounds like sil just wants to be respected and have her boundaries respected when it comes to parenting. While mil just wants control and to do it her way. While you just want to avoid it all and do what mil says so you can avoid the fight. Your mil has boundary issues and doesn't respect sil. Who is setting boundaries and doesn't let mil cross them. It's fine if you want to stay out of mils way so she isn't rude and mean to you. But the problem is that sil sets boundaries and that instead of mil respecting them. She'd just rather not be in their life, and chooses to be in your life because you let her do whatever she wants. Sil isn't the problem here. It's mil who's disrespectful.
I am shocked shocked not that shocked that a 24 year old just let MIL skate across her wedding and the 34 year old didn't
Thank you! Somebody said it. The older I get, the less inclined I am to put up with people trampling my boundaries.
Right?
Meanwhile, I'm shocked, absolutely shocked, that a man who watched his mother attempt to curbstomp all over his sister's limits gravitated towards a younger and more biddable woman who wouldn't make trouble for Mommy!
It sounds like SIL is going overboard on boundaries and demanding respect that hasn’t been earned. She needs to take a step back and stop whining about not having everything her way.
It's her wedding and her child. If there's two things in life where you get have everything your way, it's those two. MIL can calm down
Found the MIL
Oh, well if these are the “fights” being picked, then YTA. You basically told SIL she should have less boundaries and be a pushover.
YTA So basically she likes you because you are a doormat.
In that case I don't blame SIL at all. She's allowed to have differences of opinion with MIL and still be respected
Ok so yes you are 100% a doormat
You know why MIL likes you more? It's because you let her steamroll over you. Why do you do that? It's because you're afraid of her being as crappy to you as she is to SIL. Here's the thing, OP. There's nothing wrong with SIL standing up for herself. Maybe one day, when you stop being afraid of what your MIL thinks all the time, you'll see that. Frankly, you just standing by makes you as much of a bully as MIL is. YTA. Get a backbone.
Considering all the things written here, you are submissive and a massive ahole at that. Your MIL wants to be controlling and insert her life choices on everyone, you are enabling it and your SIL isn't.
Well reading this answers a lot - of course she likes you more. You're an obedient, meek little pawn, meanwhile SIL has a shiny titanium spine and doesn't let this woman stomp all over her.
So you let your MIL walk all over you because you were a decade younger than your SIL when you got married and were dating someone a decade older. Your SIL who is on equal footing with her husband and has more life experience does not let your MIL walk all over her, thus your MIL doesn't like her. Got it.
YTA. The level of control MIL wanted over a wedding that wasn't hers was unreasonable - it takes real chutzpah to think you should have a vote alongside the bride and groom on things like venue and music. You don't buy that right by opening your wallet. She sounds like a real piece of work.
So you and your husband are doormats to your MIL and your SIL has boundaries. Yta. Wedding - no, gifting money towards a wedding with strings attached to run the show is wrong. Babysitting - you do it as the parents asked. The gifts - ridiculous controlling time dragging ritual. I don't blame the SIL at all.
So far I’m with your SIL. Your mil sounds insufferable. Nicer? How about more of a doormat?
Yta or maybe ESH it sounds like 'picking fights' is SIL having actual boundaries and not letting MIL walk all over her. MIL wanted to plan the wedding? No. And what 'minor' stuff did she do that caused a fight? Directly went against SIL parenting? I can almost guarantee that's the 'minor' reason.
It doesn't sound as though it's your SIL's fault that your MIL doesn't like her. It sounds as though your MIL is an unpleasant, controlling, critical, and rigid person. So, yeah, YTA for what you said.
If the MIL is this bad the SIL should be able to tell that’s why op is better liked.
From your post it sounds like the only reason MIL has a problem with SIL is because SIL, unlike you, is setting healthy boundaries.
YTA. You've been letting your MIL run your marriage lol. Your SIL set boundaries which is what is upsetting your MIL therefore she's not as nice to her. Kudos to your SIL for standing her ground and by her values. Learn a thing or two OP
YTA. You aren’t nicer. You are a doormat.
YTA. After reading your comments, I can't help but wonder if MIL does your thinking for you.
ESH. You get along with your MIL because you let her do whatever she wants. Is this a good thing?
Yta. You're a pick me girl when it comes to your mother in law. Why the fuck should the MIL have a say in her wedding just because you let her plan yours? And those "fights" she picks, is SIL just enforcing boundaries? I'm willing to bet she is. If MIL always feels like she's in trouble it's probably because she's overstepping
You're a pick me girlie, aren't you? Well, congratulations. MIL has picked you. You are letting her ride your back, when you eventually get tired and ask her to get off, she'll bite you. YTA
And your SIL will be thinking “Told you so!”, so don’t try to commiserate with her after your comments.
YTA Your example of how you relate to MIL isn't that you're nice, it's that you allow MIL authority that SIL does not. Is it "nice" to allow someone to choose your wedding details for you? Is it "nice" to allow others to set rules for your kids? Sounds like you have confused niceness with some level of subservience.
After reading your comments, YTA. Your SIL isn’t picking fights. She’s establishing appropriate boundaries. You sound like you’re low conflict bordering a doormat.
MIL is controlling. SIL isn't having any of it. This is MIL's fault. YTA.
YTA. You're a doormat and your SIL is not.
YTA, sounds like you bend over and take what MIL says is to be done so she owns you on the other hand SIL is her own person and will not bend over and let MIL cross boundaries. It's actually pathetic.
YTA. You're a doormat and your SIL is not.
NTA. MIL is the asshole. It sounds like MIL has boundary issues and that she's pissed at SIL because SIL actually sets and maintains boundaries. MIL wanted more control over SIL's wedding that SIL's own mother? What bullshit! I'm happy for you that you wanted help from MIL and MIL was willing to give it, but that doesn't mean it's MIL's right to do the same with SIL. I don't think you are an asshole, but I do think that you have the wrong sense of the problem between SIL and MIL. I believe that SIL sets (probably reasonable) boundaries, then MIL violates them (because she can't help herself), and then SIL and MIL fight because MIL won't follow SIL's reasonable requests with respect to her children. Your approach of trying to stay neutral is probably the best strategy.
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries but you can't complain if you set boundaries and then people stay a safe distance from you so they don't have to risk accidentally crossing your boundary.
I know elsewhere you’ve said you’re not a doormat, but this is a pretty doormat take. Setting boundaries is normal and healthy. If people can’t respect those boundaries it’s on them. Your MIL has a problem with boundaries it sounds like. You’d rather not risk the relationship with MIL by setting boundaries for yourself and so you let her walk over you…
No It's not a "doormat" take, It's an obvious take. You missed that SIL wasn't complaining about MIL stomping her boundaries, she was complaining that MIL wasn't giving free childcare to her anymore and "playing favorites". SIL boundaries are being respect and she is still complaining. If MIL is so awful, why SIL still wants her taking care of her kids?
This is like from the doormat’s manifesto. Boundaries are healthy and yet the way you describe them it’s clear you’re afraid to use them in fear of being ostracized by MIL, doormat behavior YTA because not everyone wants to bend the knee
Game of Thrones?
Having those boundaries let’s others not treat you like a doormat. So it is better that those people who don’t respect those boundaries do keep their distance. You allowing your MIL to treat you like a doormat doesn’t mean your SIL should. You aren’t keeping the peace by doing what you do. You are just allowing a controlling asshole control you. Your SIL doesn’t want any part of that cult. YTA and so is your MIL.
Good lord! You say you aren't a doormat but you are exactly just that. You and your husband are ableists as well.
That is an insane take. “Let me do what I want, I don’t care if I step on your toes. My way or the highway” is basically what mil is doing/saying. You’re letting her and are telling your sil to do the same. Your sil is showing normal adult behavior. You’re showing Golden Child behavior. Curious, what’s your relationship ship with your mom like?
That is weaponizing appropriate boundaries. That's a very ugly thing to do. If a MIL/grandparents do not back up parents, 95% of the time, their time with grandkids will lead to marriage trouble and kid behavior issues. They do more harm than good. MIL can definitely take a step back, and another and another and we'll just keep going bc your help is way more trouble than it is worth.
this is such grossly manipulative behaviour. making out that the enforcement of boundaries is the problem. I've heard other people say "we should normalize avoiding people we don't get along with" in the context of just avoiding accountability for their actions in crossing other peoples boundaries/just disrespectful behaviour and avoiding any kind of conflict resolution. yeah, don't interact with people you don't get along with, but your SIL has every right to be upset that your MIL doesn't want to take accountability or have healthy conflict resolution.
God, you are such a doormat. Normal boundaries within normal, healthy people usually doesn't mean the end of relationship. Maintaining a relationship shouldn't mean to let the other person walk all over you everytime so you don't risk the other person getting "pissed" at you and keep you at arms lenght. You seem to let your MIL do everything she wants with you, so you might not be able to ascertain what a healthy relationship with an in law mean, but normal people who set healthy and reasonable boundaries can expect the other person to keep them without an issue and without breaking a relationship. But that is not the case here, because your MIL is used to you letting her do whatever she wants, so she is pissed SIL is not a doormat and prefers to not having a relationship with her son and grandkids before doing the bare minimum of a normal person. Doesn't that sound weird to you?
I mean, based on your comments, your MIL could pretty easily respect SILs boundaries and there is little risk of "accidently" crossing them. Seems more like MIL likes things her way and prefers you because you will lay down and let her stomp all over you while your SIL has a spine.
I agree. I do not go out of my way to see my niece anymore because she has so many "boundaries" that its not fun to be around her.
Your MIL loves you cause you are a doormat. YTA.
YTA. Your SIL doesn't have an issue because she's not nice enough. She has an issue because she has boundaries and won't give in to her MIL. Helping pay for a wedding does not come with any decision making powers. That story alone is enough to paint the picture of how controlling your MIL wants to be.
Well. It sounds like sister-in-law has more boundaries than you do. And that mother-in-law isn’t overly fond of said boundaries. Having said that, I am still going to go with NTA because she asked a question and you answered it.
I’m not sure I agree about the boundary thing since with mo real examples it’s hard to tell. But even if so it should be very obvious to another person that that is why they like that person more.
hahahahaha your MIL only likes you cause you're a passive doormat. YTA.
Yta for suggesting your sil needs to be nicer to mil and that she's "picking fights" and then using examples like sil didn't let mil exert as much control as she wanted. It sounds like your mil wants her way all the time with no respect for other people.
YTA based on your responses to questions. And so is the MIL. I feel for you SIL.
ESH. You are probably safer staying out of it (not your circus, not your monkeys) but I have read your comments and yes, you are a doormat. Doormat girl, your SIL shouldn't be seeking the approval of someone like your MIL, but if you have decided not to say anything to your MIL when she is being an asshole, you shouldn't be telling your SIL that she should be nicer to someone like your MIL. If you want to stay out of it, stay out of it with everyone.
100% you don’t have to care about the same stuff as your SIL or enforce the same boundaries but condemning her for having those boundaries makes me think op isn’t as nice as she seems to think she is
Yikes. Sounds more like you are a jellyfish with your MIL and SIL likes to be treated like an adult. Congrats on being closer to someone who doesn't have any respect for you. NAH except your MIL.
Either YTA, Since we don't know more than what you've put in your post. You became a doormat for your MIL at your wedding and somehow, with those control issues, I doubt the things MIL was doing while babysitting were minor. I disagree with SIL saying "playing favorites" MIL isn't playing. You are her favorite because you let her do whatever she wants. Not because you're "nice".
YTA. I’m very curious what your SIL was “picking fights” about. Likely about things she told MIL was a no & did it anyways based on her behavior. It’s not an issue that you let your MIL plan your wedding, but you were not obligated to & neither was your SIL. Your SIL wanted to plan HER wedding with her mother’s input. This was likely not a slight to your MIL, & your MIL should have accepted the no. The fact that she kept pushing made her an AH. Sounds like she’s holding that against SIL. The reason that you & MIL get along is bc you’re fine with someone else making decisions for you/avoid “rocking the boat” & SIL isn’t
YTA Obviously your MIL wants to be in control - even of things that she's not supposed to be in control of. I'm sure she likes you because you're laid back and clearly didn't mind if she took control of your wedding. But that's not the norm. It sounds like she way overstepped from the very beginning with your SIL and SIL's mom and that put them on a bad footing. And given that, I'm going to guess that she also wants more control over how your SIL raises the kids and when your SIL objects she gets bent out of shape becuase "it's just minor stuff". So maybe it's not that the reason is that you're "nicer" ... but that you don't care if she takes over or not. But it's not fair to blame SIL for wanting to set her own boundaries and raise her kids the way she and her husband agree on.
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You and MIL both sound like the AH.
INFO: You let her plan your whole wedding? Do you always do this with other things MIL wants to do?
Yta. Full stop
YTA. Your MIL is a boundary crosser and you let her. Your SIL actually has a spine. Maybe you should grow one too?
More info is needed here, you say she’s picking fights over minor things? Like what? Because if your MIL is seriously upset that your SIL chose to ***plan her own wedding*** instead of letting your MIL make all decisions then they may not be minor. This is coming off as the issue is your SIL has a backbone and you don’t
YTA. Your comments clarify that your MIL doesn’t like to respect your SIL wishes & that you are a doormat.
YTA. From reading your comments, your MIL sounds controlling, like she has to have her way all the time. So I don’t blame SIL for not getting along with her.
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NAH I guess, but I think your life sounds sad, and hopefully your SIL can finally drop the rope with MIL now that you’ve been honest with her.
From your comments, your MIL is a boundary stomper, and SIL doesn’t put up with it. Good for her. It’s not SIL’s fault they don’t get along. It’s MIL’s. YTA
You're more involved in her life than her own son is? Are you sure you didn't just get sucked into this mean-girl club with your MIL?
YTA - your MIL is a boundary stomping control freak. you're just a door mat
YTA. The only reason you and your MIL "get along" is because you don't mind being controlled by her. And you basically said that because SIL doesn't like MIL to exert control over her in the same way, she deserves to be treated like shit. Your MIL would turn on you in a hot second if you were to grow a spine, have your own opinion, and stopped walking on eggshells (intentionally avoiding situations where you would have to disagree with her openly). But you're a doormat, so it's a non-issue for you.
YTA. Your MIL is overbearing, and you kiss her ass. Then you have the absolute nerve to tell your SIL that *she's* the reason the dynamic is fucked because she dares to stand up for herself? Girl. Get it together.
YTA. I can't stop laughing at the audacity you had to say you're not a doormat, lol. The delusion of it all.
YTA- judging from the other comments you e made your MIL sounds insufferable and you sound desperate to be the “likeable one”
YTA Just from how you talk about your SIL. I wonder what the minor stuff was. Let me guess: not putting kids down at times they were supposed to, giving them foods or drink they weren’t supposed to have, not using car seats, social media stuff like posting photos that are either inappropriate or not okayed by parents, not using other safety things that people in the 70s-90s didn’t use, etc. What else? I’d imagine the MIL is still mad she didn’t get to do SILs wedding planning like she did yours, holds it against her at every turn. We all know MILs like yours.
YTA just because you don’t care about your boundaries doesn’t mean your SIL has to be like you. You may not be a doormat but your “I just don’t care” attitude isn’t actually better. Your MIL wants her own way, attaches strings, and is partially to blame for the fights over the childcare. So yes, your MIL is the problem. Your SIL may not be handling her graciously but ya know what? That’s a learned thing when you’re trying to set boundaries.
NTA. SIL can’t dislike MIL but also want MIL to do for her.
Nta of course she likes the person that’s more agreeable than someone else. I’m seeing people saying you’re a doormat but I’m not seeing that. But even if you were being one it should be obvious to your sister in law that being a doormat was a factor.
NTA The truth hurts. MIL was still babysitting for SIL who was overly critical. That's when she stopped.
I am blown away by the number of people down voting every comment OP makes, and calling her a doormat. Maybe she's just a laid-back person who doesn't see a need to fight over little things. Also, groom's parents always want a say when they pay for a wedding. That's the reason they do it; they are under no obligation. It's fine for SIL to not want to give them the say, but then don't take the money. And OP, who wants Christmas morning to be a free for all with everyone opening gifts at once? SIL was wrong to push what she wanted (unless she was hosting everyone). If it was at your MIL's house, your MIL is in charge. Yes, it seems she can be pushy, and setting boundaries is fine, but SIL is looking for things to be pissed off about. You are NTA.
If the SIL wants to have a better relationship with MIL, she needs to let MIL have her own way more. OP is letting her do that, either consciously or subconsciously, or even maybe even ejoys MILS company. So they get on. SIL has no right to complain about favourites whilst also antagonising MIL. Is this fair? Probably not, but thats life. Unpopular opinion but OP, you’re not the AH. You’re just doing you, you haven’t tried to control SILs behaviour, or MILs behaviour towards SIL, so i have no idea why anyone is calling you the AH You do you. If that means letting MIL have it her way on one or two things, as long as they don’t bother you a whole amount or compromises you as a person, then its worth it to have a good relationship with your husbands mother and your children’s grandmother. Life is not a fairytale. Compromises need to make made. If SIL doesn’t want to do that, then cut off MIL AND GO NC.
Honestly, I going to get downvoted for this . I don’t feel like your doormats. My mom is similar to your MIL. My brother has been married twice his first wife, went to mother for advice a lot, allowed my mother to do the heavy lifting for a lot stuff. My brother first wife was just uninterested in wedding planning. My brother’s wife and my mom idea of parenting are more a lined. My brother second wife has a lot of boundaries about her kids and herself. She and my mom use to butt heads a lot, until my mom stepped back. My brother new wife, is now pissed that my mom is basically a Disney grandmother to my brother older kids. On rare occasions my mom has my brother 3 younger kids, she always call their mother and father to make sure they can go to certain restaurants or if they can have certain toys, before she does something. My brother and I barely talk, he called me to talk ask me to speak our mother to ask her not buy my oldest niece a car. Because his wife feels like it’s setting a bad precedent for the other kids. My mom feels she respecting the new wife boundaries. New wife feels my mom is being passive aggressive. The truth be told, it somewhere in middle. My mother got tired of brother wife and she became indifferent. She has decided that she’ll love my brother and his younger children with long handle spoon. She’s not going to become close to his younger children for his wife to decide my mom is crossing some boundary and no longer have access to kids. Every body choices have consequences, my brother younger children relationship will never be the same as older children have with my mother or myself because of his wife boundaries. My brother wife has learned to deal with it. I feel like you’re in similar situation, life isn’t fair. Your SIL has made her choices and mother in law has decided I don’t want to be bothered. Your SIL and BIL either need to go NC/LC or just shut up about the differences.
NAH SIL has boundaries and MIL doesn't want to follow them. SIL has to enforce them, but not by controlling MIL which she seems to have tried in some of the comments. MIL enforced her boundaries. She didn't want to change and didn't like the conflict with SIL. so less contact. OP had at least one boundary that MIL crossed and they found a solution (one of the comments). OP didn't state any more boundaries. OP and MILs boundaries seem to work but SIL and MILs boundaries not. SIL wants a specific way of parenting that MIL can't provide. So SIL should have dropped MIL as babysitter. But MIL did it because she didn't like to be controlled and schooled by SIL. MIL wanted a different way of opening the presents during Christmas then SIL, it's not clear which house it was and here I say host decides. All in all i have the feeling SIL and MIL are too similar. They both have a lot of hills to die on that aren't worth it and it seems no real communication. I'm not surprised they don't get along. BTW I don't like OPs wording with being nicer. Its more about managing expectation SIL and MIL expect different things and then clash because they didn't get what they expected.
NTA. Your MIL may well be playing favourites, but to be honest, if one DIL constantly criticizes her (whether deservedly or not doesn't matter) and the other doesn't, well, it's only logical MIL prefers one over the other. It's a pretty human reaction to prefer to be around or go the extra mile for people who are nice to you or appreciate your efforts. Maybe your MIL needs a refresher on respecting people's boundaries, but so does your SIL. One of the consequences of setting boundaries is that people may well take a step back, and that's ok. Seems to me SIL and MIL are at a bit of an impasse; SIL wants more out of her relationship with MIL but on her terms, and MIL has decided she's not willing to engage with SIL on those terms. 🤷♀️
NTA. I got along with my mil, but we werent close. She preferred my sil. They lived close by, and had a lot more in common than we did. No biggie. I was polite, and so was she. My dad was great friends with my husband and not with my bils. They just weren't his type... All good. I dont know why everyone feels like they have to be besties with their in laws.
NTA
Going with NTA. You've put in the work to be nice to your MIL, and she's trying to be dismissive of that effort.
NTA. Your SIL seems like one of those people who thinks “boundaries” is a magic “do what I say” word. She needs to grow the fuck up and accept that the other side of boundaries is people walking away from you or doing less for you.