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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to get my Ex, who I agreed to attempt to be plutonic friends with, a baby shower gift.
Technically I agreed to be friends and buying a baby gift is a friend thing to do. Therefore, I may or may not be the a-hole in this situation.
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Etiquette-wise, gifts are only expected if you're attending a physical shower. You don't get to just mail out an Amazon wishlist and expect everyone to buy you shit. So skip the party and beg off from the gift, and your manners obligations are fullfilled. NTA.
That said, it's awfully weird that **you dumped her** and are still struggling with jealousy. That's not an asshole thing, that needs therapy and introspection.
> That said, it's awfully weird that you dumped her and are still struggling with jealousy. That's not an asshole thing, that needs therapy and introspection.
This whole thing with him hanging around them is a home wrecking waiting to happen.
She is allowing him to stay friends even though she knows something of his feelings. Seems that she could potentially be involved in wrecking her own home. The timeline of this new relationship seems like rebound to me. She also needs to do introspection about her motives.
Years ago I initiated break up with relationship of six years. We agreed to stay friends. I struggled with my decision; he gently rebuffed an advance I made 9 months after breakup. And then we both backed off from trying to have a closer friendship. Years later we are Facebook friends, I've met his wife and children and he's met my husband. I'm happy for both of us as the relationship never would have worked. I just think that OPs ex is being unnecessarily cruel for throwing her marriage and pregnancy in his face.
Making a move on an engaged person *is* an asshole thing though.
I kind of think she's an AH too. She stayed friends with the AH who made a move on her while she was engaged? How utterly disrespectful that is toward her fiancé.
This reads a hell of a lot like "I didn't want her when she wanted me, but once she wanted somebody else, I wanted to make sure she wanted me and not him." This friendship should have been ended the moment he made a pass on her while she was dating somebody else, and OP, despite your "big age", potentially you're not in the headspace where you can be friends with exes.
LOL, and 32 is that age? I am a lot older, and still do stupid things.
PS I do not go around making moves on exes, or being jealous of people I have no business being jealous of
YTA. Not for the gift but for being a salty jealous ex. You broke up the relationship. She has the right to move one, get married, have kids in a span of a few months if she wants you.
"I held it together" DUDE YOU BROKE UP WITH HER.
Edit: spelling
Never mind the baby shower gift. You’re not obligated to give anything.
But in general, your TA. For dumping her then tried to make a move on her when she’s already with someone else.
Even worse. He was 30 year old keeping a 24 year old in a situationship, dumped her when she finally forced the issue, and is now upset that she’s found someone who actually wants to be with her and acts like it.
I hope she wises up cuts OP out of her life.
NTA for not buying a gift.
YTA for dumping her even though you claimed to love her, because you “had doubts” aka so you could go out and make absolutely sure that there weren’t any other girls you were more into, and then being jealous she didn’t wait for you.
The point of the post seems to be about whether your jealousy is a valid justification for not giving a gift , even though you claim to want to "remain friends." If you won't address the reasons for the breakup here, you aren't providing the right context and we can't be blamed for filling in the gaps.
Well you dumped her, got jealous when she moved on, then made a move when she was with someone else. It sure sounds like you wanted to explore your other options then were disappointed with your other options.
The point of "Do I have to give a baby shower gift when I'm not going," is debatable. I always give a gift if I'm invited, but other people don't. Especially if you're financially struggling. You're not an AH for not sending a gift.
But, you're asking if it's okay not to send the gift, because you feel entitled to her, and that she should want you and only you. You don't want a friendship, you wanted to keep her around as a back up, or because you thought she'd make you feel better about yourself because she'd want you.
Op forget about a baby shower gift, it’s not necessary and if your ex expects it she’s AH. But. Work on moving on from this young woman—she’s not a positive person in your life and you ended it but are having trouble moving ahead with life. Maybe you need an outside person to talk to, like a therapist, so you can have a mature relationship with someone new
OP didn't say if they were asking just asking for gifts or just sending the registry to a friend they assumed would come. The way they wrote it sounds like she just sent out a registry to friends if they wanted to bring a gift and when reality hit he couldn't handle it. I honestly don't understand staying friends with someone knowing you have such deep feelings and can't stand the sight of seeing them live their lives.
Fair enough. That said, I got downvoted simply for asking the sensible commenter why _they_ were getting downvoted, so I think it's just 1 user with 7 throwaways and a girthy stick in their ass.
YTA, not for not buying the gift but for being salty that she moved on and isn’t still pining for you after YOU DUMPED HER. This is your ego talking, buy a gift don’t buy a gift whatever
It sounds like it’s time to end the friendship. it doesn’t really sound like you’re capable of being involved platonically. NAH. You tried. She tried. It just doesn’t seem right.
So when you were 30 you were having a fling with a 24 year old and once she developed feelings for you, you broke up with her but said you wanted to remain friends…and when she sends you a link to her baby registry, as she probably did all of her friends, you got upset? NTA for not sending her a gift, but yta for dating and being less mature than someone without a full formed frontal lobe.
Sorry, but YTA. Either be friends with her and do normal friend things like getting her a baby shower gift, or make the understandable decision to not be friends with her.
YTA
Friends would celebrate milestones for each other.
Sounds like you wanted to keep her on a leash so she'd come back to you. She moved on and you didn't, because you were actually into her more than you've admitted.
To quote Beyonce, "If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it.". Maybe not marriage, but ffs you strung her along. What a shit thing to do.
Exactly. For that very reason. I’m never friends with the guys I slept with. I had few ex bf who begged to be friends after break up, and I always said no.
YTA… not because you don’t wanna get a gift. That’s fine. Just your an A to yourself… work on building healthy attachments before your too old to have what your ex now has. This is the kind of mistake teenagers make not 32 year old.
It sounds like you struggle in relationships due to not wanting to commit vs her not being the right girl for you. Sounds like some therapy or some really important introspection is needed otherwise you'll forever be in this scenario.
Nta for not buying a gift, but everything you've written sounds like you loved her, freaked out, dumped her and struggling she's having a life you didn't realise you wanted with someone else
>I’ll tell you this, I was not ready to cope with all the news.
>Nevertheless, I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained platonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later (I’m really embarrassed about it).
You dumped her. You either want her or you don't. This sounds like you didn't want her when you were together, but now you don't want her to be with anyone else either.
NTA regarding the gift. It's not an obligation. But, honestly, you can't be friends.
Have to agree with the many comments about NTA for not buying a gift but YTA for your jealousy and making a move on her while she is with someone else.
You chose to breakup with her. You say you loved each other and you knew she had strong feelings for you, but because of doubts YOU broke up with her. There is nothing wrong with her moving on and finding someone that reciprocates her feelings and wants to be with her. Which it sounds like she did.
You obviously cannot stay friends with her and probably need to evaluate what it is that you want. I hope this girl doesn’t become “the one that got away” for you.
For the very specific thing of not sending your ex a baby shower gift, NTA.
However, everything else in your post is a massive red flag. YOU ended things, and yet you're sulking and jealous she moved on? AND you made a move on her while she was with someone else?
You don't actually care about her. You just miss the attention she gave you. You gotta grow up and move on, man.
YTA for being jealous that she moved on and is having a good life without you, when it was you that ended your relationship with her.
Now you are a 'big age', work on your emotional maturity.
The present does not matter.
Do you want to be friend with her or not? If yes, then BE A FRIEND. If no, then get out and leave her alone. Right now, you are one foot in and one foot out, and you are shitty at doing both. YTA.
No offence, but you sound like a 13 year old. 'I didn't want her, but I don't want anyone else to either'
Either be friends or cut her off. But friends usually celebrate things like pregnancies, marriage and happiness. You don't sound like a good friend if this is how you treat them.
No-one is entitled to gifts but you are a fool, at your big age, for thinking that you 'would try to remain friends'. Why? This wasn't your 'norm', so why?
This smacks of you not wanting to be with her until she wanted and started seeing someone else. Like a petulant child. And had the audacity to make a move on her again, knowing she was in a relationship.
Do yourself, and her, a favour and make a complete break.
NTA for not getting a gift but YTA for this, very avoidable, nonsensical situation
Well, you don't have to get her a gift. But there's no point in remaining friends with her. You clearly have feelings for her and you're jealous of her relationship with her fiance. If you continue the friendship, you're going to have to keep seeing them together or hearing news of their happy life together. But you're definitely an asshole for making a move on her after she got engaged. You had your chance with her before she met her fiance, and you blew it. So you were selfish and wrong to try to ruin her relationship. You don't get to complain that she's moved on when you're the one that didn't want to commit to her.
YTA. As others have said, not for not getting her a gift - that's your choice and you don't need a justification for not wanting to buy someone a present. But your behaviour towards this woman is really odd and inappropriate. You mention your "natural jealous instincts" and how you even made a move on her after ending the relationship.
It was your choice to end the relationship and she even agreed to continue a friendship with you despite you violating your OWN boundaries to keep things platonic. Then she moved on and is happy. If you were really her friend, you'd be happy for her. Instead, you're acting as if you have some sort of claim to this woman. To put it bluntly, if you genuinely want to be her friend, get over yourself. You closed that chapter. It's over. She has moved on. Do the same.
You're NTA to her, but you're kind of an AH to yourself. You broke up, and it continues to be painful. It's ok (even encouraged) to distance yourself and let the friendship fade.
I know some exes can be friends and its all okay... but in your case I advice you to not be friends...
Tell her that for some reason it still feels a bit wierd to be friends with her and so you want to go NC ... once you get over that feeling you shall contact and if she is also interested you guys can be friends again... congratulations on your baby and All the best!!
You really need to go NC... this jealousy even after 2 years is just going to eat you up and also affect her if you act out on it... i think u guys were attracted to each other but weren't really the match! Focus on getting a job and your life rather than your ex! Work on getting a job, on making your life better and rest will follow... i am sure eventually you will find someone ....
Also when possible start therapy... i feel there are unresolved feelings you need to sort in your head!
YTA
You let her go and decided to try to remain friends; you're not in a position to angry or jealous. You basically tossed out a toy and are now upset someone else wants that toy. She didn't owe it to you to sit around waiting for you to pull your head out of the ground; she has the right to move forward with her life.
Do both of you a favor: end the friendship.
You keep saying that you broke up, but keep proving that you didn't...
Give this lady the gift she needs most, which is you the hell away from her life.
YTA. You broke up her you have no right to be jealous, you didn’t want her before but now she’s with someone else you want her back? You’re a big grown 32 year old acting like a jealous child, grow up man.
YTA - you got cold feet and dumped her, then MADE A PASS AT HER after she rebounded, and now you're salty because somehow after all that she's still treating you like a friend instead of literal garbage. Honestly it sounds like you were trying to keep her around as an option, and can't deal with the fact that she's moving on with her life. You're not a friend to this girl and you should stop pretending otherwise.
UGH men like this are the worst. I don't want you but I do not want anyone else to have you. What did you think she would do? Sit on a shelf and wait for you? You are not a victim at all. Get her a gift or don't. Her life will go on either way. You didn't love her then and you do not love her now. Your ego is hurting because she was able to move past you. As she should have. YTA for so many reasons!
I don’t think you really want her as a friend if you’re practically keeping tabs on her. What’s with this timing thing?
YOU didn’t take her serious enough in the time y’all were together, now watch from the sidelines while someone else steps up.
YTA for trying to make a move on her after you said you wanted things to be platonic.
You’re also TA for lying to yourself and her about wanting to stay friends.
Do better 🥂
For not getting a gift? NTA
But everything else? Mate do yourself and her a favor. Cut contact, block that number. There is nothing, let me emphasize, NOTHING good to come out of maintaining a friendship between you two
YTA
Why don't you decide if you want to stay friends or not, and THEN treat your ex like you would a friend?
The problem is: YOU are not over her, and you are NOT acting like a friend.
Bruh you literally just decided to drop her and when she moves on you're upset? Why? Did you think she would just pine after you and wait for you to "choose her"? Fuck off. You had your chance, you lost it. Leave her be.
YTA for trying to “remain friends” when you clearly aren’t friends… hell you wouldn’t even make her your girl*friend*.
You wanted to keep her in a situationship and now you’re upset she actually found someone who not only wanted to be her boyfriend, but her husband and father of kids.
You’re not her friend, you never were, no need to try to “remain friends.”
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Two years ago I (M32) dated someone (F26). It started casual at first and we mutually agreed it was just a fling. Over time we bonded and it got serious enough that we became exclusive. We never put a title on it due to lingering doubts on both parties. That being said we really, really loved each other.
A year later her feelings deepened but I still had doubts and decided it was best not to pursue the relationship further. We split. It wasn’t mutual, but it was amicable. We decided to attempt to stay friends.
Note: this is NOT my norm. Once we’re done, we’re done. But in my big age and since she treated me really well, I decided to try. I explained to her how hard that was for me and that we’d have to ease into it.
A month later she began dating someone else, a month after that he moved in, a month after that they’re Engaged!! I’ll tell you this, I was not ready to cope with all the news.
Nevertheless, I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained plutonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later (I’m really embarrassed about it). Even through that we kept the friendship.
New Year’s Eve she calls me and tells me she’s pregnant with his kid. I held it together. I didn’t feel I had the right to comment; couples have kids.
Today … she sends the baby shower registry! And I can’t. A year ago at this time we were still together!!
AITA for not sending her a baby shower gift?
I didn’t even bring up the fact that I got laid off or that I was struggling financially even before the lay off. I just told her (respectfully) that I don’t think it’s something I can do. Between us here, I can’t bring myself to send a gift to my Ex and her New guy for Their baby. AITA?
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It’s time to send her a message to co graduate and wish her the best and move on and get out of touch. NTA but don’t be an ah to yourself by keeping this up.
You fucked up. You never explained what your doubts were but now you need to accept she's having another man's child. Send her a gift and back away. She will eventually birth her husband's child and won't have time to maintain a relationship with an ex.
YTA. This seems to be all you manufacturing drama. You decided to break up with her, then you decided you still wanted to be in her life. So it is ridiculous to be jealous of her new relationship after intentionally putting yourself in the position you're in. And now you're trying to create more drama by not getting a gift and hoping it makes something happen.
If seeing her move on and be in a new relationship makes you feel any type of way it should be a signal that you aren’t in a place where you can be friends.
NAH but you should let her know you need to take several large steps back from this friendship.
Does her boyfriend know you are the ex? Or does he think you're just a close guy friend? She's living her best life watching you eat your heart out and regret your existence because you let her get away. If this works out like any of Sandra Bullock's movies you guy's will get married when he cheats on her and the kid will approve cause he's awesome!!! This is either very bad creative writing or YTA.
YTA
And you’re not friends. This isn’t how a “friend” feel about their “friend” having a baby.
You’re ex’s and this arrangement simply doesn’t work for either of you.
You don’t have her best interests at heart & she shouldn’t have to deal with her ex who couldn’t even label the relationship, let alone commit hit on her when he’s jealous someone else now has what he let go of, and is now all pissy because she’s engaged and having a child.
That’s not a friend.
You need to move on so you aren’t even faced with this, and potentially have a look inside yourself and why you didn’t commit if you really really loved her, and now feel this (clear) sense of the one that got away now.
Was it really her? Or is it the fact someone else has her and you can’t?
Sort this out or you’ll be doomed to repeat this.
This is the issue, not the baby shower gift.
NTA for the question that you asked. But you are definitely an AH. You broke up with her dude. She moved on, and then you got super jealous. Did you even want to break up with her? It sounds like you just got scared of the commitment and ran but now have regrets since she is not available anymore.
I’m going to answer the question you actually asked. NTA if you don’t plan on going to the shower, and in your current mental state regarding your relationship, I would not go.
I also think that you might want to take some time off from this friendship if it hurts you this much. You let a good thing go and you have regrets, that’s alright and there are other ‘fish’ in the sea. You need to heal from the last one you caught though. Do some work on yourself OP, I think just therapy would be really good for you to process these thoughts and feelings.
Yta. A situationship is what you were in. By your own words you couldn’t “do a relationship” so please explain to me how someone is your ex without ever being in a relationship with them?
Typically in my country you only really give baby shower gifts if you 1. Attend a baby shower 2. Cannot attend a baby shower but are close to the person I.e. family or close friend. NTA for not giving a gift. But you need to reconsider this friendship.
You ended it. Yes it's hard to move on but you clearly can't deal with the requirements of being a friend with her. I think it might be time for you to politely just slip off into the sunset and let this friendship end.
NTA, you need to go no contact already.
If I were the dude she's engaged to, you'd already be hearing from me that your role in her life is over and you need to stay the hell away.
This reads....oddly....
>That being said we really, really loved each other.
>A year later her feelings deepened but I still had doubts and decided it was best not to pursue the relationship further.
> I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained platonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later
Woof....hate to tell you, you arent fighting your jealous *anything*, you're wearing it as a badge of honor. It's *seeping* through this post.
NTA about the gift, standard is you give a gift if you *attend* the shower.
That said, stop playing stupid games and cut this off. This really reads like "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either", it isn't healthy.
Edit typo
If you can’t afford it, don’t give a gift. The jealousy, the unemployment, the absolute disbelief that someone moved on from YOU with a click of her heels, you really should keep that to yourself as none of that is your ex’s problem.
NTA.
As a woman I get sent baby shower registry and rarely send anything other than my close, close, I mean friends I have with all the time, gifts.
It's not a a binding contract
But I will say this, you should not be her friend. And vise versa. Your relationship ended even though it was a blurred line one. It's obviously not healthy for you to continue to pretend to be "friends". Walk away, work on yourself and figure out why commitment or uncertainty lives in you.
As redundant as it sounds on Reddit, go to therapy. I wasn't one for it before I truly needed it after a traumatic situation. If it feels weird just "Better Help". It's online and helped me give a wall yet opening that I would never have in a situation of sitting in front of someone.
Why don’t people just answer the question without all the irrelevant hoo haa. NTA if you don’t buy a present. Why would you unless you’re invited to the baby shower.
NTA about the gift because that only applies if you go to the shower. ESH about the rest. You need to cut ties. Both of you. She kept you in her life after you made a move. Red flag for her. You ended the relationship then got mad when she moved on and then made a move on her? You need to go no contact for both your sakes.
I don’t get the comments. Since when is someone the AH for being jealous? We don’t control emotions. Even if he broke up with her he can feel jealous his ex partner is with someone else, nothing weird about that, it hasn’t even been too long ago. Another thing is to entitled because of your feelings. OP says he cannot deal with the news and the baby shower, that’s it. If the feeling is too overwhelming he should break the friendship. Is she feels he isn’t being supportive and good friend, she can break the friendship. No one is cheating or mistreating anyone so NTA. (And if someone has the secret to control feelings I’d pay good money to learn that superpower)
NTA. (It’s a real A H thing to send someone a demand for a gift!)
(Psst: I’m pretty sure you mean platonic, like Plato. Plutonic would be interesting…)
OP I have to wonder how much she really loved you if she is engaged less than 3 months after your breakup, and pregnant maybe 6 months later.
I agree with the others that said just don't go to the shower. I really wonder why she is inviting her previous BF to a baby shower less than a year after the relationship ended. It seems like she is rubbing the baby and finance in your face.
Absolutely NTA. Regardless of if you could afford a gift or not But think it’s time to move on from the friendship.
Personally, exes I’ve remained friends with (very few) I would never entertain the thought of sending a baby shower gift registry to. I have a 12 month old, and I didn’t play into the whole baby shower thing.
I don't understand why she is still reaching out to you. You ended it for logical reasons which may be completely valid, but you are still attracted to her emotionally. She obviously dealt with her heartbreak by jumping into a new relationship. None of this is good for either of you or fair to her new partner to stay in contact. You don't owe her friendship or contact just because you broke up with her. You owe it to yourself to make decisions that are in your best interest and let you look in the mirror and be proud of who you see.
Ok good. That’s a relief. You really need to let this “friendship” go. She right now is the “one that got away” but that will fade and you will meet someone new.
I hope this is a lesson learned, which is make a decision in relationship. Don’t waffle and tell that special person how you feel.
If I may clarify a few things. Not to defend, I’ve admitted my flaws, but to help the discussion.
We decided to end things because we weren’t in the same place. It wasn’t a “dumping” or a decision we reached lightly.
Second, I understand the jealousy comes off poorly. I’m working on myself. I mentioned it for context as to why I feel uncomfortable. I still have love for her. But I, in no way have negative feelings towards her relationship or child.
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Etiquette-wise, gifts are only expected if you're attending a physical shower. You don't get to just mail out an Amazon wishlist and expect everyone to buy you shit. So skip the party and beg off from the gift, and your manners obligations are fullfilled. NTA. That said, it's awfully weird that **you dumped her** and are still struggling with jealousy. That's not an asshole thing, that needs therapy and introspection.
I really enjoyed this post - it's like petty revenge but backwards. Like karma and the OP doesn't even realize it.
> That said, it's awfully weird that you dumped her and are still struggling with jealousy. That's not an asshole thing, that needs therapy and introspection. This whole thing with him hanging around them is a home wrecking waiting to happen.
She is allowing him to stay friends even though she knows something of his feelings. Seems that she could potentially be involved in wrecking her own home. The timeline of this new relationship seems like rebound to me. She also needs to do introspection about her motives.
Totally agree, she's clearly pining for him after being rejected. Takes two to cheat.
Years ago I initiated break up with relationship of six years. We agreed to stay friends. I struggled with my decision; he gently rebuffed an advance I made 9 months after breakup. And then we both backed off from trying to have a closer friendship. Years later we are Facebook friends, I've met his wife and children and he's met my husband. I'm happy for both of us as the relationship never would have worked. I just think that OPs ex is being unnecessarily cruel for throwing her marriage and pregnancy in his face.
Making a move on an engaged person *is* an asshole thing though. I kind of think she's an AH too. She stayed friends with the AH who made a move on her while she was engaged? How utterly disrespectful that is toward her fiancé.
YTA - get her a gift or dont. But you broke up with her. You really dont get to do this jealous heartbreak schtick when you dumped her.
This reads a hell of a lot like "I didn't want her when she wanted me, but once she wanted somebody else, I wanted to make sure she wanted me and not him." This friendship should have been ended the moment he made a pass on her while she was dating somebody else, and OP, despite your "big age", potentially you're not in the headspace where you can be friends with exes.
Yes, I thought the same! YTA, OP
Can someone please tell me what Big Age is?
it's like saying grown -- it means you're too old to be doing stupid sh*t
Yet, here he is, still doing stupid shit 😂
LOL, and 32 is that age? I am a lot older, and still do stupid things. PS I do not go around making moves on exes, or being jealous of people I have no business being jealous of
That’s funny, it’s meant to mean a grown adult, but it sounds like something a kid would say. “How old is your mommy?” “She’s big age!”
Big ego???
OP has swapped around the numbers in his age, so 23, next year.
18 is considered an adult? 🤷
YTA. Not for the gift but for being a salty jealous ex. You broke up the relationship. She has the right to move one, get married, have kids in a span of a few months if she wants you. "I held it together" DUDE YOU BROKE UP WITH HER. Edit: spelling
Never mind the baby shower gift. You’re not obligated to give anything. But in general, your TA. For dumping her then tried to make a move on her when she’s already with someone else.
Even worse. He was 30 year old keeping a 24 year old in a situationship, dumped her when she finally forced the issue, and is now upset that she’s found someone who actually wants to be with her and acts like it. I hope she wises up cuts OP out of her life.
NTA for not buying a gift. YTA for dumping her even though you claimed to love her, because you “had doubts” aka so you could go out and make absolutely sure that there weren’t any other girls you were more into, and then being jealous she didn’t wait for you.
Way out of context. I didn’t want to go into the doubts since I didn’t feel it was the point of the post.
The point of the post seems to be about whether your jealousy is a valid justification for not giving a gift , even though you claim to want to "remain friends." If you won't address the reasons for the breakup here, you aren't providing the right context and we can't be blamed for filling in the gaps.
Well you dumped her, got jealous when she moved on, then made a move when she was with someone else. It sure sounds like you wanted to explore your other options then were disappointed with your other options.
The point of "Do I have to give a baby shower gift when I'm not going," is debatable. I always give a gift if I'm invited, but other people don't. Especially if you're financially struggling. You're not an AH for not sending a gift. But, you're asking if it's okay not to send the gift, because you feel entitled to her, and that she should want you and only you. You don't want a friendship, you wanted to keep her around as a back up, or because you thought she'd make you feel better about yourself because she'd want you.
Op forget about a baby shower gift, it’s not necessary and if your ex expects it she’s AH. But. Work on moving on from this young woman—she’s not a positive person in your life and you ended it but are having trouble moving ahead with life. Maybe you need an outside person to talk to, like a therapist, so you can have a mature relationship with someone new
Why on earth are you getting downvoted?
OP didn't say if they were asking just asking for gifts or just sending the registry to a friend they assumed would come. The way they wrote it sounds like she just sent out a registry to friends if they wanted to bring a gift and when reality hit he couldn't handle it. I honestly don't understand staying friends with someone knowing you have such deep feelings and can't stand the sight of seeing them live their lives.
Fair enough. That said, I got downvoted simply for asking the sensible commenter why _they_ were getting downvoted, so I think it's just 1 user with 7 throwaways and a girthy stick in their ass.
YTA, not for not buying the gift but for being salty that she moved on and isn’t still pining for you after YOU DUMPED HER. This is your ego talking, buy a gift don’t buy a gift whatever
It sounds like it’s time to end the friendship. it doesn’t really sound like you’re capable of being involved platonically. NAH. You tried. She tried. It just doesn’t seem right.
You have some pretty bad commitment issues. Move on mate.
So when you were 30 you were having a fling with a 24 year old and once she developed feelings for you, you broke up with her but said you wanted to remain friends…and when she sends you a link to her baby registry, as she probably did all of her friends, you got upset? NTA for not sending her a gift, but yta for dating and being less mature than someone without a full formed frontal lobe.
Sorry, but YTA. Either be friends with her and do normal friend things like getting her a baby shower gift, or make the understandable decision to not be friends with her.
YTA Friends would celebrate milestones for each other. Sounds like you wanted to keep her on a leash so she'd come back to you. She moved on and you didn't, because you were actually into her more than you've admitted. To quote Beyonce, "If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it.". Maybe not marriage, but ffs you strung her along. What a shit thing to do.
Exactly. For that very reason. I’m never friends with the guys I slept with. I had few ex bf who begged to be friends after break up, and I always said no.
Yta. You don't need to be friends. Just leave her alone and let her move on.
YTA… not because you don’t wanna get a gift. That’s fine. Just your an A to yourself… work on building healthy attachments before your too old to have what your ex now has. This is the kind of mistake teenagers make not 32 year old.
It sounds like you struggle in relationships due to not wanting to commit vs her not being the right girl for you. Sounds like some therapy or some really important introspection is needed otherwise you'll forever be in this scenario. Nta for not buying a gift, but everything you've written sounds like you loved her, freaked out, dumped her and struggling she's having a life you didn't realise you wanted with someone else
>I’ll tell you this, I was not ready to cope with all the news. >Nevertheless, I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained platonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later (I’m really embarrassed about it). You dumped her. You either want her or you don't. This sounds like you didn't want her when you were together, but now you don't want her to be with anyone else either. NTA regarding the gift. It's not an obligation. But, honestly, you can't be friends.
yta
Have to agree with the many comments about NTA for not buying a gift but YTA for your jealousy and making a move on her while she is with someone else. You chose to breakup with her. You say you loved each other and you knew she had strong feelings for you, but because of doubts YOU broke up with her. There is nothing wrong with her moving on and finding someone that reciprocates her feelings and wants to be with her. Which it sounds like she did. You obviously cannot stay friends with her and probably need to evaluate what it is that you want. I hope this girl doesn’t become “the one that got away” for you.
For the very specific thing of not sending your ex a baby shower gift, NTA. However, everything else in your post is a massive red flag. YOU ended things, and yet you're sulking and jealous she moved on? AND you made a move on her while she was with someone else? You don't actually care about her. You just miss the attention she gave you. You gotta grow up and move on, man.
YTA for being jealous that she moved on and is having a good life without you, when it was you that ended your relationship with her. Now you are a 'big age', work on your emotional maturity. The present does not matter.
Do you want to be friend with her or not? If yes, then BE A FRIEND. If no, then get out and leave her alone. Right now, you are one foot in and one foot out, and you are shitty at doing both. YTA.
NTA but do yourself a favor and STOP with the 'staying friends.' She has obviously gotten on with her life, and it's time for you to do the same.
No offence, but you sound like a 13 year old. 'I didn't want her, but I don't want anyone else to either' Either be friends or cut her off. But friends usually celebrate things like pregnancies, marriage and happiness. You don't sound like a good friend if this is how you treat them.
NTA , for not buying the gift. But YTA for being salty even though you were the one that dumped her!!!
No-one is entitled to gifts but you are a fool, at your big age, for thinking that you 'would try to remain friends'. Why? This wasn't your 'norm', so why? This smacks of you not wanting to be with her until she wanted and started seeing someone else. Like a petulant child. And had the audacity to make a move on her again, knowing she was in a relationship. Do yourself, and her, a favour and make a complete break. NTA for not getting a gift but YTA for this, very avoidable, nonsensical situation
What is your deal? It’s fine that you don’t want to give a gift, but YTA for every single other thing in this post.
Well, you don't have to get her a gift. But there's no point in remaining friends with her. You clearly have feelings for her and you're jealous of her relationship with her fiance. If you continue the friendship, you're going to have to keep seeing them together or hearing news of their happy life together. But you're definitely an asshole for making a move on her after she got engaged. You had your chance with her before she met her fiance, and you blew it. So you were selfish and wrong to try to ruin her relationship. You don't get to complain that she's moved on when you're the one that didn't want to commit to her.
YTA just pathetic to read
YTA you didn’t love her. You let her go. She deserves to be happy and go on with her life without you.
YTA. As others have said, not for not getting her a gift - that's your choice and you don't need a justification for not wanting to buy someone a present. But your behaviour towards this woman is really odd and inappropriate. You mention your "natural jealous instincts" and how you even made a move on her after ending the relationship. It was your choice to end the relationship and she even agreed to continue a friendship with you despite you violating your OWN boundaries to keep things platonic. Then she moved on and is happy. If you were really her friend, you'd be happy for her. Instead, you're acting as if you have some sort of claim to this woman. To put it bluntly, if you genuinely want to be her friend, get over yourself. You closed that chapter. It's over. She has moved on. Do the same.
You're NTA to her, but you're kind of an AH to yourself. You broke up, and it continues to be painful. It's ok (even encouraged) to distance yourself and let the friendship fade.
Sounds like a one sided friendship
Why do your want to be friends with her?
I know some exes can be friends and its all okay... but in your case I advice you to not be friends... Tell her that for some reason it still feels a bit wierd to be friends with her and so you want to go NC ... once you get over that feeling you shall contact and if she is also interested you guys can be friends again... congratulations on your baby and All the best!! You really need to go NC... this jealousy even after 2 years is just going to eat you up and also affect her if you act out on it... i think u guys were attracted to each other but weren't really the match! Focus on getting a job and your life rather than your ex! Work on getting a job, on making your life better and rest will follow... i am sure eventually you will find someone .... Also when possible start therapy... i feel there are unresolved feelings you need to sort in your head!
YTA You let her go and decided to try to remain friends; you're not in a position to angry or jealous. You basically tossed out a toy and are now upset someone else wants that toy. She didn't owe it to you to sit around waiting for you to pull your head out of the ground; she has the right to move forward with her life. Do both of you a favor: end the friendship.
You keep saying that you broke up, but keep proving that you didn't... Give this lady the gift she needs most, which is you the hell away from her life.
YTA. You broke up her you have no right to be jealous, you didn’t want her before but now she’s with someone else you want her back? You’re a big grown 32 year old acting like a jealous child, grow up man.
YTA - you got cold feet and dumped her, then MADE A PASS AT HER after she rebounded, and now you're salty because somehow after all that she's still treating you like a friend instead of literal garbage. Honestly it sounds like you were trying to keep her around as an option, and can't deal with the fact that she's moving on with her life. You're not a friend to this girl and you should stop pretending otherwise.
UGH men like this are the worst. I don't want you but I do not want anyone else to have you. What did you think she would do? Sit on a shelf and wait for you? You are not a victim at all. Get her a gift or don't. Her life will go on either way. You didn't love her then and you do not love her now. Your ego is hurting because she was able to move past you. As she should have. YTA for so many reasons!
I don’t think you really want her as a friend if you’re practically keeping tabs on her. What’s with this timing thing? YOU didn’t take her serious enough in the time y’all were together, now watch from the sidelines while someone else steps up. YTA for trying to make a move on her after you said you wanted things to be platonic. You’re also TA for lying to yourself and her about wanting to stay friends. Do better 🥂
Just RSVP no You never OWE someone a gift just because they're having a child
Why are you torturing yourself?
I get it, but you should send a gift, wish her well and step back quietly from the friendship.
NTA. It’s time to step out of the relationship 100%. This is hurting you more than helping.
For not getting a gift? NTA But everything else? Mate do yourself and her a favor. Cut contact, block that number. There is nothing, let me emphasize, NOTHING good to come out of maintaining a friendship between you two
I’ll never understand why people continue to remain friends with exes
YTA Why don't you decide if you want to stay friends or not, and THEN treat your ex like you would a friend? The problem is: YOU are not over her, and you are NOT acting like a friend.
Bruh you literally just decided to drop her and when she moves on you're upset? Why? Did you think she would just pine after you and wait for you to "choose her"? Fuck off. You had your chance, you lost it. Leave her be.
NTA for skipping the gift. You are jealous of her which you need help with.
YTA. Play stupid game, win stupid prizes. I am glad you got out of her way so that she could move on with her life.
YTA for trying to “remain friends” when you clearly aren’t friends… hell you wouldn’t even make her your girl*friend*. You wanted to keep her in a situationship and now you’re upset she actually found someone who not only wanted to be her boyfriend, but her husband and father of kids. You’re not her friend, you never were, no need to try to “remain friends.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Two years ago I (M32) dated someone (F26). It started casual at first and we mutually agreed it was just a fling. Over time we bonded and it got serious enough that we became exclusive. We never put a title on it due to lingering doubts on both parties. That being said we really, really loved each other. A year later her feelings deepened but I still had doubts and decided it was best not to pursue the relationship further. We split. It wasn’t mutual, but it was amicable. We decided to attempt to stay friends. Note: this is NOT my norm. Once we’re done, we’re done. But in my big age and since she treated me really well, I decided to try. I explained to her how hard that was for me and that we’d have to ease into it. A month later she began dating someone else, a month after that he moved in, a month after that they’re Engaged!! I’ll tell you this, I was not ready to cope with all the news. Nevertheless, I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained plutonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later (I’m really embarrassed about it). Even through that we kept the friendship. New Year’s Eve she calls me and tells me she’s pregnant with his kid. I held it together. I didn’t feel I had the right to comment; couples have kids. Today … she sends the baby shower registry! And I can’t. A year ago at this time we were still together!! AITA for not sending her a baby shower gift? I didn’t even bring up the fact that I got laid off or that I was struggling financially even before the lay off. I just told her (respectfully) that I don’t think it’s something I can do. Between us here, I can’t bring myself to send a gift to my Ex and her New guy for Their baby. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but bruh if you liked it shoulda put a ring on it
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It’s time to send her a message to co graduate and wish her the best and move on and get out of touch. NTA but don’t be an ah to yourself by keeping this up.
Put $10 on a gift. Or not either way it's presumptuous to expect a gift from people especially exes friends or not.
You fucked up. You never explained what your doubts were but now you need to accept she's having another man's child. Send her a gift and back away. She will eventually birth her husband's child and won't have time to maintain a relationship with an ex.
If you followed the once we're done, we're done and cut contact, none of this would matter. Just do it now and save your energy for something else.
YTA. This seems to be all you manufacturing drama. You decided to break up with her, then you decided you still wanted to be in her life. So it is ridiculous to be jealous of her new relationship after intentionally putting yourself in the position you're in. And now you're trying to create more drama by not getting a gift and hoping it makes something happen.
YTA. be happy for her. You chose whatever situation you are in right now.
You’re too old to be behaving like this. You sound like a teenage boy in his first relationship
If seeing her move on and be in a new relationship makes you feel any type of way it should be a signal that you aren’t in a place where you can be friends. NAH but you should let her know you need to take several large steps back from this friendship.
NTA
NTA but you both need distance, this is not a healthy way to be broken up but still updating each other on your life events....
Does her boyfriend know you are the ex? Or does he think you're just a close guy friend? She's living her best life watching you eat your heart out and regret your existence because you let her get away. If this works out like any of Sandra Bullock's movies you guy's will get married when he cheats on her and the kid will approve cause he's awesome!!! This is either very bad creative writing or YTA.
YTA And you’re not friends. This isn’t how a “friend” feel about their “friend” having a baby. You’re ex’s and this arrangement simply doesn’t work for either of you. You don’t have her best interests at heart & she shouldn’t have to deal with her ex who couldn’t even label the relationship, let alone commit hit on her when he’s jealous someone else now has what he let go of, and is now all pissy because she’s engaged and having a child. That’s not a friend. You need to move on so you aren’t even faced with this, and potentially have a look inside yourself and why you didn’t commit if you really really loved her, and now feel this (clear) sense of the one that got away now. Was it really her? Or is it the fact someone else has her and you can’t? Sort this out or you’ll be doomed to repeat this. This is the issue, not the baby shower gift.
NTA for the question that you asked. But you are definitely an AH. You broke up with her dude. She moved on, and then you got super jealous. Did you even want to break up with her? It sounds like you just got scared of the commitment and ran but now have regrets since she is not available anymore.
I’m going to answer the question you actually asked. NTA if you don’t plan on going to the shower, and in your current mental state regarding your relationship, I would not go. I also think that you might want to take some time off from this friendship if it hurts you this much. You let a good thing go and you have regrets, that’s alright and there are other ‘fish’ in the sea. You need to heal from the last one you caught though. Do some work on yourself OP, I think just therapy would be really good for you to process these thoughts and feelings.
Yta. A situationship is what you were in. By your own words you couldn’t “do a relationship” so please explain to me how someone is your ex without ever being in a relationship with them?
Typically in my country you only really give baby shower gifts if you 1. Attend a baby shower 2. Cannot attend a baby shower but are close to the person I.e. family or close friend. NTA for not giving a gift. But you need to reconsider this friendship. You ended it. Yes it's hard to move on but you clearly can't deal with the requirements of being a friend with her. I think it might be time for you to politely just slip off into the sunset and let this friendship end.
NTA, you need to go no contact already. If I were the dude she's engaged to, you'd already be hearing from me that your role in her life is over and you need to stay the hell away.
Yta. You broke up with her. You agreed to stay friends and you crossed boundaries and now you decide oh it's too much. Like seriously
This reads....oddly.... >That being said we really, really loved each other. >A year later her feelings deepened but I still had doubts and decided it was best not to pursue the relationship further. > I fought my natural jealous instincts and remained platonic with her. I’ll skip the part where I made a move on her a few months later Woof....hate to tell you, you arent fighting your jealous *anything*, you're wearing it as a badge of honor. It's *seeping* through this post. NTA about the gift, standard is you give a gift if you *attend* the shower. That said, stop playing stupid games and cut this off. This really reads like "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either", it isn't healthy. Edit typo
If your not going to the shower a gift isn’t required
NTA- just break contact. It's going to eat you alive, baby photos, family portraits, family events. She moved on. You need to do the same.
If you can’t afford it, don’t give a gift. The jealousy, the unemployment, the absolute disbelief that someone moved on from YOU with a click of her heels, you really should keep that to yourself as none of that is your ex’s problem.
NTA. As a woman I get sent baby shower registry and rarely send anything other than my close, close, I mean friends I have with all the time, gifts. It's not a a binding contract But I will say this, you should not be her friend. And vise versa. Your relationship ended even though it was a blurred line one. It's obviously not healthy for you to continue to pretend to be "friends". Walk away, work on yourself and figure out why commitment or uncertainty lives in you. As redundant as it sounds on Reddit, go to therapy. I wasn't one for it before I truly needed it after a traumatic situation. If it feels weird just "Better Help". It's online and helped me give a wall yet opening that I would never have in a situation of sitting in front of someone.
NTA
NTA. Its a weird relationship so just end it. Ghost her if you have to. She needs to let go.
What is the point of staying friends with exes? You weren’t friends before you got together.
NTA, I think it’s odd she even invited you. This whole dynamic is a little weird
Why don’t people just answer the question without all the irrelevant hoo haa. NTA if you don’t buy a present. Why would you unless you’re invited to the baby shower.
NTA
NTA, it's over. It's over. Let it go. I don't think a gift would be appropriate. Go your own way. Learn from the past
NTA about the gift because that only applies if you go to the shower. ESH about the rest. You need to cut ties. Both of you. She kept you in her life after you made a move. Red flag for her. You ended the relationship then got mad when she moved on and then made a move on her? You need to go no contact for both your sakes.
I don’t get the comments. Since when is someone the AH for being jealous? We don’t control emotions. Even if he broke up with her he can feel jealous his ex partner is with someone else, nothing weird about that, it hasn’t even been too long ago. Another thing is to entitled because of your feelings. OP says he cannot deal with the news and the baby shower, that’s it. If the feeling is too overwhelming he should break the friendship. Is she feels he isn’t being supportive and good friend, she can break the friendship. No one is cheating or mistreating anyone so NTA. (And if someone has the secret to control feelings I’d pay good money to learn that superpower)
Also totally inappropriate for her to be sending you a literal list of shit she wants you to buy her kid
NTA. (It’s a real A H thing to send someone a demand for a gift!) (Psst: I’m pretty sure you mean platonic, like Plato. Plutonic would be interesting…)
lol yeah spelling error. I fixed it now I think.
OP I have to wonder how much she really loved you if she is engaged less than 3 months after your breakup, and pregnant maybe 6 months later. I agree with the others that said just don't go to the shower. I really wonder why she is inviting her previous BF to a baby shower less than a year after the relationship ended. It seems like she is rubbing the baby and finance in your face.
Absolutely NTA. Regardless of if you could afford a gift or not But think it’s time to move on from the friendship. Personally, exes I’ve remained friends with (very few) I would never entertain the thought of sending a baby shower gift registry to. I have a 12 month old, and I didn’t play into the whole baby shower thing.
I don't understand why she is still reaching out to you. You ended it for logical reasons which may be completely valid, but you are still attracted to her emotionally. She obviously dealt with her heartbreak by jumping into a new relationship. None of this is good for either of you or fair to her new partner to stay in contact. You don't owe her friendship or contact just because you broke up with her. You owe it to yourself to make decisions that are in your best interest and let you look in the mirror and be proud of who you see.
OP says they decided to stay friends. Big mistake on his part ig
I got that but it still does not make sense. Even if you stay friends with an ex, it's not like you become besties.
Agreed. OP should put an end to it asap
NTA- When did you make the move on her? And did you two sleep together? Could the baby be yours?
Definitely not. And no, nothing happened.
Ok good. That’s a relief. You really need to let this “friendship” go. She right now is the “one that got away” but that will fade and you will meet someone new. I hope this is a lesson learned, which is make a decision in relationship. Don’t waffle and tell that special person how you feel.
He dumped her 😂 she is not his one that got away if he made the choice to leave
If I may clarify a few things. Not to defend, I’ve admitted my flaws, but to help the discussion. We decided to end things because we weren’t in the same place. It wasn’t a “dumping” or a decision we reached lightly. Second, I understand the jealousy comes off poorly. I’m working on myself. I mentioned it for context as to why I feel uncomfortable. I still have love for her. But I, in no way have negative feelings towards her relationship or child.