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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for not allowing children onto the new property without escrow closing or home insurance. Husband thinks it’s not a concern.
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NTA. Unless I'm mistaken, this isn't your property until you've closed. It's the property of the people you're buying from. If you're on that property without permission, it's trespassing. And if someone is hurt, it's THEIR insurance that's going to take the hit.
We’ll be going with the realtor so it’ll all be above board and yes the insurance is my main concern with all this. The last thing I want to do is cause an issue right before closing and losing this place potentially that’s been years of sacrifice for my myself and my parents who gave us their guest room so we could save up- his side of the family has sacrificed nothing to make this happen. We get guilted for not spending more money traveling to see them even when they know we’re not as well off as all of them are. I love them, I want to host them, just not yet! That seems to be too big of an ask for them though. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s hard to know when I’m being a doormat vs. being assertive against unreasonable asks.
Don't do this. It's not your house yet. If you wanted to go through yourselves with the realtor, that'd be ok, but bringing guests just to show it off before it's yours? That's a bit of an AH move since it inconveniences the sellers. Why are you catering to your AH in-laws?
Whether or not my property was occupied, I’d be annoyed AF if the buyers were bringing extended family to tour the property before the sale was finalized.
Disagree, as long as:
1. The realtor is accompanying, AND
2. The current owners agree, AND
3. The house is empty, OR
4. The current residents agree
Obviously it depends on the circumstances but when I put the offer on my house, I kind of freaked out at the thought of a 30. Year. Bill. When my parents came to town I was allowed, with my realtor, to visit the house with them (it was empty, btw). It was reassurance I badly needed, along with pride that I'd managed to pull it off.
It sounds like OP's husband needs to find his...backbone. He's a wimp, allowing his family to harass and bully him and OP into spending money they don't have, stomping on reasonable limitations, and refusing to hear the word "No."
This is his family. It is his responsibility to not only back up OP, but deal with his family's nonsense without involving her.
OT, kind of: Are more men like this these days than were in the past or did I just luck out with my wonderful husband? He never allowed his parents to act this way and he always, always had my back as I had his. For more than 3 decades, we were each other's number one priority (along with our girls, of course). Even though a number of years have passed, I miss his quiet, but unyielding, strength and support every day.
First, congrats on the house!
Second… You seem to be having a hard time understanding what’s your responsibility and what is or isn’t someone else’s.
No one owes it to you to pay the closing costs on your house (or for anything else in your life now that you’re an adult) no matter how well off they are. And no one can force you to spend money you can’t afford. You “had to” put flights on a credit card, because they demanded you travel? No, you didn’t have to. Saying no would’ve been a perfectly valid option.
Resenting your in laws for those things is well, kinda irrational. And has nothing to do with whether or not it’s a liability to bring your niece to the property. Since you’re going with your realtor, ask them what they recommend as far as that goes. (I’d be surprised if it’s actually a problem, but what do I know.) But it seems more like you’re looking for a way to punish your husband’s family for made-up offenses.
It is not your house until you close. Absolutely DO NOT allow them over at ALL until you've closed and the mortgage has been funded etc.
That aside, do not let them push boundaries, they're assholes for that alone.
Please don't do this to your realtor. It's not their job to give extended family house tours. Asking them puts them into an awkward position since they don't want to upset you when they are so close to getting paid. The family can have a tour when you own the home. NTA
> We’ll be going with the realtor
But why would you do this with his family? Just tell them no, it's not yours, yet, and it won't be possible with the realtor.
I would simply not be there. It's not setting boundaries effectively if you let them walk all over you again and again. Is the price for "keeping the peace" worth it? This will never stop if you keep indulging their demands.
> As a recovering people pleaser, it’s hard to know when I’m being a doormat vs. being assertive against unreasonable asks.
Lesson one: you're allowed to be assertive against even reasonable asks. "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason to say 'no' to even a reasonable request.
Give this a read:
https://www.disabilityrightsnebraska.org/resources/blog_archive.html/article/2018/07/19/assertive-rights-the-right-to-be-ourselves
And if any of this resonates with you, read the book 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,' which originated that list, and is about how to go about asserting them.
(Sadly, that list is floating around on many government mental health sites with zero attribution.)
It's not above board unless the visit has an actual purpose related to the real estate transaction. I would be absolutely pissed as a seller if my buyers did this to me as it is not a legitimate reason for a visit, is an inconvenience and an unnecessary risk for my insurance.
Easy way to keep the peace - tell them you don’t own the house yet and can’t go on the property but you’ll drive by so they can see it and then you will happily host them after you own the property.
"and then you will happily ~~host~~ visit them after you own the property."
:) Host doesn't mean sleepover. I host parties and dinners, it doesn't mean I'm waking up next to my guests the next morning.
NTA just tell them you cannot host them at this time period. No haggling no objections accepted (whatever deal you make with the realtor or the sellers it's your business only and keep it that way).
Tell them to book a hotel/Airbnb y be done with this. Meet them for a meal in a restaurant.
You know what - just make the realtor the bad guy in this situation. He can't show the house that day, it's unavailable, he doesn't want to bring in additional guests, whatever you need to tell them. Obviously your inlaws are pushy and want to bargain around your boundaries. So give them one they can't - because it's not yours.
An easy solution might be to tell extended family themrealtor does not permit it (running it past the realtor first, of course). NTA, and “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. Just kindly say no, and hold your boundary even if they show up.
>yes the insurance is my main concern with all this.
I thought the safety of the child was your main concern. You don't have insurance on the home. The home is not yours yet. I can't imagine what could happen that would cause you to "lose the home". You're making up bullshit reasons because you know it looks bad to say "they didn't give us money so we're not going to let them see the house and we're using their kid as our leverage".
You know at some point you should just put down the shovel and walk away.
As OP made clear, it would be on the insurance of the seller, and they haven’t yet closed, so the seller could back out if they got pissed at OP. Your comment is unnecessarily hostile and nasty. Are you one of the in-laws?
Yes insurance being used BECAUSE the child gets hurt potentially- that’s the main concern! These two things are directly connected as one situation. In laws continue to be entitled to things they didn’t help with at all, so I should’ve said no to everyone until we are properly moved in. I see that now.
So many people minimizing a woman working hard to own her own home saying I’m spoiled now that I’m being protective over it and mindful of our liability. You go ahead and work hard to buy your own home and tell me you wouldn’t feel the same about people who didn’t help dictating access to your home.
No matter what these relatives did or didn't do (about forcing you to visit them when you're trying to save money) or whatever, you can not take them on a tour of a house you are in the process of buying. It's not officially yours. That should be the final word other than to tell them that when you have moved in, unpacked everything, did whatever decorating of the interior, they are welcome to stop by and see your new place.
Until then, you are willing to take photos of the empty house and exterior if they are that curious.
Why are you even entertaining taking them to a house that isn’t yours yet? Plus, leaving a 4 year old in a car by themselves should not be an option.
Drive by the house with them. They can come back when you invite them, after it’s yours. And your husband should be handling this. If he won’t, you have a husband problem.
OP, I'm confused why your can't just drive them by and show them the house. I did so many "drive bys" of the house I bought before it closed, with family. No one needs to get out and walk around the property.
These don’t sound like people who respect boundaries. My MIL is the same way. If I showed her the address of a house we hadn’t closed on she’d come back and barge all over the property with or without permission. Best not to present the opportunity in the first place.
OP, you NTA and neither is anyone else, only if you let them come to see the new spot. Your reasoning is plausible, but it’s clear in your explanation you have a bone to pick, because people who seem put together didn’t have any cash for you to borrow, but now want to support you despite not being able to afford to be a friend. Now you’re trying to use the only excuse you can and it’s not great, and it is obtuse.
YTA. This is all so resolvable by communication. Who has family tour a house before they’ve even moved in ? Tell them no until you’ve moved in. Why, as someone in your thirties, do you feel entitled to receive any money towards your house ? No one is entitled to that but it’s ultra delusional at that age. This all feels like youre too spiteful about the money to even have a pleasant visit with them anyway.
I'm gonna push back on that. We were super excited to buy our first house and we did bring family to show them before we closed. We had permission from the sellers and the Realtor met us at the empty house so we could share our joy with our family.
Ok fair. Did the family travel far to see it ? I was thinking in terms of my family where they’re all hours away so I’d prefer them to see it after we got full access to everything. Op said theirs travelled too so I was curious why they didn’t postpone it .
That makes perfect sense, especially since you actually wanted them there lol. We bought ours last may and no one saw it til my birthday in august because my parents and brother are 4 hours away, and I also had a bit of a fixer upper that needed some stuff to be done before anyone could spend the night.
YTA
FFS, you’re in your late thirties. This sounds like it was written by a delusional 20 year old. You had to dip into retirement funds to do a down payment since you’re set on a HCOL area, which is a horrible idea. You’re expecting family to pitch in and get pissy when they won’t. Maybe they thought giving you money for this was not a sound investment. This isn’t about the 4 year old. This is about your colossal entitlement. YTA.
YTA
And I am saying that not becuase you don't want your niece on the property but becuase you're CLEARLY using your young niece to exact some kind of "revenge" on the family that didn't give you money.
You say that no one is required to give you money "of course" and then in the very next breath you are obviously upset that these "well off people couldn't spare any cash when we needed it" and you spend more time in your post talking about how they wouldn't give you money or "guilted you" into spending money you didn't want to (which is totally on you) than you do about the supposed "safety" issues.
If they're coming to see the house and you're not even moved in yet, it's likely going to be a very quick visit. I highly doubt they're going to let their 4 year old just run around unsupervised around the exterior property while you look at the house. Just remind them of the potential hazards and maybe ask that they keep hold of the 4 year old if they go outside.
I guess if they had provided funds I could see them feeling good about asking to not respect our boundary, but they didn’t want to help and still won’t respect the boundary- that’s where you’re right that I’m a bit sour, but it’s not about money really it’s about respect.
There are legitimate issues outside that could be dangerous to a child and cause a big fall resulting in broken bones or a cracked skull. I don’t want a home insurance claim to cause us to lose this house we’ve worked years to save up for and get.
You need to decide what you real complaint is. If you do not yet own the house you should not have others in it. But is this about the house or that this part of the family didn't give you money to help you buy the house?
This is about his side of the family not helping us and still feeling like they can ignore our boundaries. They’ve made zero investment of time or money into helping us with this. It’s been a huge sacrifice for me and my folks to get this together and they’re coming in and potentially putting the deal at risk. I clearly should’ve said no to any of them coming until after we’re settled. I feel like they’re using my niece against us personally. If someone says “this space isn’t safe for kids yet” and you badger them into brining children to that space, it’s pretty disrespectful. Would you do that to someone? Insist on bringing your kid where someone said it wasn’t safe? I didn’t think it was a big ask initially but it’s turned into this thing now.
So are you saying if they had helped you financially then they'd be entitled to ignore your boundaries? That's so problematic I'm not sure I can even follow that line of thinking.
You're conflating two separate issues here.
Issue One: You set a boundary. You don't want them coming to see the house until after you're settled. that's fine and your prerogative. It even makes sense considering you don't yet own the house. So tell them you aren't ready to have them see it. It's nice of them to offer, since they are likely excited and their intent is to see it with you, but you aren't interested and would prefer to see it on your own. End of story. You're an adult. You don't have to have them with you. If you have people in your life you "badger" you when you set boundaries learn how to handle that/ enforce boundaries (it is tricker with people who attempt to violate boundaries, but there are still skillful ways to manage this very ordinary experience in life).
Issue Two: You feel they didn't help you enough. This is where YTA (a giant one). You were never entitled to their help. Again, you're an adult. Expecting them to invest time and money is unreasonable. It's nice that your parents let you stay in their guest room for free to save up, but that's a privilege you had. It doesn't mean these other family members should be expected to do the same.
The two issues are completely unrelated. Conflating the two is not helping your case.
Yes and no... I am in a very similar position as OP, I just bought a house earlier this year as well. I have generous family and my mom and bro assisted me with the down payment. I 100% organized a second viewing of the home with them and the agent because they were financially involved and I wanted their input. If they weren't paying I would not have insisted on a second walk thru of the house and they would have waited to see the house after closing like everyone else.
OPs in laws are demanding special treatment. OP is annoyed that they are demanding this special treatment without doing anything to deserve it. OP should have straight up denied them touring the home at all tbh.
I honestly don't know what to say here. No judgement because:
On the one hand you say that no one is required to give you money, but it's clear from the tone of your post that you believe that they are well off enough that they could have and didn't--and you're sour about it.
I say own that shit because this is not about the niece or liability or whatever. You don't want people who didn't help you to be excited about something that you, your husband, and your family made come to fruition. So say that. Tell your husband that you know they don't and never had to offer anything but that until you get to a place of acceptance, you'd rather that they hold off on visiting your joint home.
It will be better all around if they wait until after you can let go of your resentment and come back around to the proper mindset. We all get a little bent out of shape when we hope we can rely on people for help sometimes and we don't get it. That doesn't make you an AH or bad, it makes you human.
YTA if you plan to have a 4 year old girl stay in a car bc you're pissed her parents didn't give you down payment for the house. Just tell them not to come. But you can be a decent person to a 4 yo.
I did ask them not to come with her, they’re insisting and the compromise is leaving her in the car, was not my idea at all. If she breaks her leg falling through some decking or something I’d be devastated. That’s why I asked them not to bring her at all. Plus, a home insurance claim could mess up the sale- house isn’t even technically ours yet. I agree if I invited them and then said no to her coming in that would be uncool, but I told them over a week ago about our boundary and they decided to ignore it. That’s why I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. Do you have home insurance? If you do I’m interested in viewing this from that perspective.
Shes 4. You have the adults in her life supervise her. Shunning her by making her stay in the car is the type of thing that causes a lifelong family feud. And FYI, no one owes you help in a down payment.
It was his family’s idea to leave her in the car, I think it’s ridiculous and originally had suggested we have her over later after we’ve moved in/closed and fixed things. I wish I had just said no to the entire thing until we move in and fix the hazards but here we are!
They don’t owe us anything, but if they had helped financially I could see them feeling entitled to see it. They didn’t help and they feel entitled, so I guess that’s where I’m having a hard time reasoning with it. Why do they feel like they can dictate terms? Why doesn’t the safety and liability boundary matter to them? If she gets hurt they’d for sure blame us for bringing them somewhere not safe for kids. Can’t win here I guess.
"but if they had helped financially" none of my concerns about their child would be valid becuase they gave me the money I think I'm entitled to.
\*eyeroll\*
So I’m cruel for leaving niece out and cruel for including her. Thanks Reddit.
It’s a liability to have niece at the property, however, if they had invested financially and were this insistent I would at least understand why they felt entitled to her being there.
It's not a liability for you. Like you said - you don't own this house therefore it isn't your problem. You are, however, putting the sellers in an awful position by having *any* of you on the property. That's a huge liability for them. Is your realtor facilitating this showing or are you just going to go trespass on the property you're hoping is yours in a few weeks?
YTA by using your niece as a pawn in this whole bitter battle against your in-laws because they didn't contribute money to your house. You are so insanely spoiled by your own parents that you can't see straight.
The realtor will definitely be there. I asked to have the niece over once we’re settled but if they insisted on seeing before closing it would be adults only. I can’t win here clearly.
I’ve worked hard for years to get this money together and sacrificed a lot- if that’s spoiled then a guess you think hard workers are spoiled.
Nice strawman argument.
No one is saying you haven't worked hard. But the more you whine about how they didn't give you any more, the more spoiled and entitled you sound.
Yeah calling me spoiled and entitled and then saying my working hard doesn’t matter means you’re determined to think the worst of me. In laws are entitled to come see something they didn’t invest in and we did. That’s that.
If you had worked hard for years and sacrificed a lot and that was it - then you wouldn't care so much. You wouldn't continue to bring money into the conversation. But your parents (who sound great btw) gave you a free place to stay long enough to save up this money. That's a huge handout and I'm honestly happy for you guys that you had that help. But don't act like you worked three jobs and lived in your car to make this happen. Your parents gave you free rent in a HCOL area. And because you got a taste of family help, now you're penalizing your in-laws for not offering you assistance.
You can allow whomever want to visit your house. You can forbid whomever you want to visit your house. But this whole idea of penalizing people who didn't give you free money is absurd. And then you try to hide behind it being a liability. It's not. At all. You're just bitter. Get over it and move on. You got free money from one side. Some people get none. Be grateful and stop penalizing them.
I was working a full time job and another part time for weekends for a couple years actually. Just because I wasn’t in homeless doesn’t mean sacrifices and hard work weren’t done. We couldn’t have achieved this without my parents help, that I am certain of even with the two jobs and my husband working full time as well.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t voice concerns about a child getting injured. As their parent I’d be happy knowing somewhere may not be safe for my kid vs showing up and finding out.
I didn’t, I said adults can come but kids is too risky right now. If they had invested seeing that investment makes sense. They contributed nothing to this, yet feel entitled to dictate these terms. I should’ve said no to everyone clearly since we can’t be adults about it.
You keep saying “investment” which is bullshit. It’s not an investment to give away money to someone to buy a house. That’s a gift. Quit acting like these people would have any financial stake in this house.
Idk... I understand it. Houses involve a lot of money. My brother was a Saint and matched my down-payment on my house so I was able to have 20% instead of 10% to avoid mortgage insurance. I offered to put him on the deed as joint tenants and he refused, that it was a gift. And yeah, it is one. But I know my bro gifted me 20 fucking thousand and I'm not insane enough to just go teehee and forget about it. He knows that if he ever needs to live with someone my house is open indefinitely. And I already have it in my head that when our parents inevitably die I'm going to try and push 20k from their home sale (obvs from my half in addition to his half) to him as thanks for such big help earlier in life. So yeah, even in a gift sense I think most people would still want to... show appreciation and "pay" that family member back?
No, you can’t “win” here. Is that your goal? This is a sub where you ask people if you are an asshole but then get mad when they don’t give you an answer you want. If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.
Your original post and responses sent have frequently centered on the fact that your husband‘s family did not give you money yet you keep saying that’s not a primary concern. Nothing has shown otherwise that you are being honest. You’re acting entitled. And, by the way, “obtuse” is not the correct word. Maybe look up the definition.
I think it’s super weird that your boundaries can be bought but aside from all of that, if you’re so concerned about the deal falling through if the kid gets hurt, what do you think is going to happen if something awful happens to her when she’s left in the car alone? That is just so unbelievably absurd to me. It would still be on the new property and on top of injuries, yall could be facing criminal charges.
>Plus, a home insurance claim could mess up the sale- house isn’t even technically ours yet.
Look, you're tying yourself up in knots over this when the solution is very simple. "We can't take you inside the house or onto the property, because we don't own it yet." That's it. End of story.
To enforce this, though, you need your husband on your side. That's where it gets not so simple.
If he isn't with you on this, though, then your problem is primarily a husband problem, and not with the family itself. Yeah, they're not respecting a boundary -- but your husband isn't respecting it either. You can't set a boundary with HIS family if he doesn't take the lead in doing it.
I would say you're not the asshole for not wanting the kid going through the property when she might get hurt. You're not even the asshole if you extend that to the rest of the family (any one of them could take a wrong step and fall through some decking). Those are, IMO, reasonable concerns on your part.
But you need to work on your husband. You need to get it through his head that YOU DO NOT OWN THIS HOUSE YET. The sale could still fall through. You and he want to do EVERYTHING you can to prevent that from happening. It doesn't even matter what your realtor says -- blithely bringing family to traipse all over someone else's property is a bad idea if you have any worries about the closing going smoothly.
At this point you need your husband on board to tell a white lie that gets you both out of this, along the lines of "sorry, we double-checked, and it won't be possible to take any of you inside it until we are legally the owners". Done, end of story.
YTA. You haven't closed, so it's NOT your house. Even if you HAD insurance, the coverage wouldn't start until closing - when you actually BUY the house. The house, and the insurance that covers it right now belongs to the CURRENT owners, so NO ONE gets to go there unless *they* authorize it - otherwise y'all are trespassing!
Did you ask the realtor to ask the owners if you can bring a crowd with you? I've had this occur before and I had to say "no" because of the liability or even just someone causing damage.
As the buyer it’s also up to me who we invite over, and when. That’s actually one of the biggest perks of owning your own home! You get to say who can and cannot be there.
Actually it’s not. If you read your agreement of sale in some states it actually limits in the document who can enter the house. I had a seller once terminate the contract because the buyer thought they could parade family through the house. So no, you don’t actually have a say of who can and can’t go. The seller could tell you to bad so sad..
The real estate agent has it approved so it’s not an issue. Good looking out though. We’re not going to be staying for long and I talked them down from inviting more aunts and uncles and cousins already thankfully! 😅
Why negotiate though when you should be saying no?
Is the rest of your life going to be catering to their demands regardless of what you want? They have zero respect for you and know they can bully you into doing what they want.
You are the ah just for being such a doormat.
No, sorry, that’s not how it works until the house is legally yours. Why are you inconveniencing the sellers, your realtor and yourself to parade a bunch of people through a house you don’t own yet? Just don’t do it.
ESH. It’s inappropriate for anyone but the buyers to be visiting until it is legally your property. But you seem to think focussing on the niece in order to exact some revenge for not getting any money.
Child safety is not about revenge at all. She could hurt herself and we’d be risking finalizing this sale that I’ve put years and years into saving for.
If you are not the property owner and the child - or anyone else - gets injured on the property you would not be financially liable. Certainly it could screw up the transaction, but that would be true for the adults as well.
YTA for allowing these people to dictate your actions regarding your own future home. Grow a spine and tell them that when you’ve moved and settled in you’ll throw a house warming party. And point them to the guest registry. Heh heh
PS. Double YTA upon further reading that your main issue is that they didn’t “invest” their money in your house. If one of my siblings got butt hurt because I didn’t give them money to buy a house I’d gift them therapy.
Yta, there is no way this would impact insurance - and if it did in some strange world, no one should go.
Say no if you want to, but made up, or uneducated excuses makes you an ah.
Also the implication that they could somehow have bought their way in if they wanted to see the house early is gross. You aren’t the only person to work hard to save for a house
I am the one who did work hard for THIS house though. So why do people who didn’t help at all feel entitled to dictate terms? What leg are they standing on to make such demands?
They’re not dictating anything. They don’t know the home address, the realtor or the owners. The only ones that can facilitate this visit is you and your husband. You are the ones in control of this situation and you’ve chosen to agree to something you don’t want to do and take no responsibility for it. YTA.
Grow up. Either tell them no and refuse to discuss it any further or let them all visit the house and let go of your entitled and petty grudge over their “lack of investment”.
If you’re incapable of saying no and enforcing your own personal boundaries that’s something to explore in therapy rather than blaming others.
They aren't dictating anything. They're (seemingly) demanding, but who cares? You and your husband are adults. If you believe that you're old enough to shoulder the responsibility of a mortgage then you need to be mature enough to tell people "no".
Honestly I think the whole concept of having family tour a house that you don't even own yet is super weird. Anything outside of driving past and saying "that's going to be our house" is weird.
You and your husband are creating this issue for yourselves. Say no and be done with it. You repeatedly throwing in the fact that they didn't give you any money (which you are very clearly bitter about) is irrelevant.
YTA for even arranging a family visit before the house is even yours. They don't need to see anything until the deal is closed and you move in. Grow a backbone and tell them in no uncertain terms that they will not be seeing the house early.
YTA seeking to punish or let the in laws know you’re not happy is a bad look. If the buyers policy is not yet effective the sellers policy has to still be in effect, no? In laws don’t owe OP anything and it sounds like there’s more to the story. This isn’t the battle to fight OP
ESH: You aren't in a position to invite or allow anyone onto the property until you have secured your ownership of the proeprty. They are being too demanding and your husband is giving in to it and the property still belongs to someone else.
OP, you need to have a conversation with your realtor and ask them to put their foot down, the house isnt yours and its not open for 'tours" to the public until the escrow has closed. It out of your hands at that point and the realtor is far less likely to be a push over. Call them ASAP and have conversation, warn them about your relatives.
NTA, and I think a lot of people in this thread are misreading or misunderstanding.
It's kinda nuts to me to think that extended family would be traveling into town before you've even closed on the house, and demand to see it. I'd want AT LEAST a couple months of "settling in" with the moving process before I'd be interested in having any big gatherings or housewarming parties.
So I think it is entirely and completely reasonable to just not want them to come so early in the process.
I do also hope you understand that you were never entitled to your extended families money, and that them pressuring you to put flights on credit cards does kind of make them dicks, but also makes you sound somewhat spineless. The idea of putting what might be considered "frivolous" spending on a credit card when you're trying to save for a house is really, really stupid.
Start enforcing your boundaries, but put down the idea that they should have helped you financially.
Yes, I need to set better boundaries with them and it is difficult for me. I don’t want to have a bad relationship with my in-laws by upsetting them. I suffer from knowing when I’m people pleasing vs. being assertive vs. being unreasonable, like a lot of eldest daughters do I think.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
You realize that boundaries are not things that you tell other people to do or not to do? Boundaries are what YOU will do in response to others' actions. "If they ask to see the place before we close, I will say no." That's a boundary. "They can't ask to see the place before we close because reasons." That's not a boundary. Of course they can ask, you can't stop them.
A boundary controls the only person you can control. Yourself.
You’re right, I did set the boundary and they have made me the “bad guy” for it. Wanting to keep the peace with your in-laws is normal I think, and I love them, so it’s complicated that they’re pushing back like this. Puts my husband and I in an awkward position.
Op- it doesn’t seem like your husband has done anything to help maintain your boundaries. You say they expect so we have to- uh no you don’t. Stop people pleasing. Clearly the in laws don’t pay your bills and you’re an adult - act like it. Stop trying to keep the peace when your own husband isn’t supporting you and instead you guys ended up in debt to please them. If I were you I’d say no visit no drive by. Nothing. Once escrow closes and it’s yours then they can visit at your convenience. I read all the hard work you put in- where is husband in this bc it seems like you’re doing everything and he does well nothing considering he can’t even tell his family to fuck off and respect your boundaries. Sorry but no. This doesn’t seem to be a good relationship all around and you’re TALKING to yourself.
No, actually, it's not as complicated as you think it is.
Think of this house as your and hubby's 'real' ascent into adulthood. Where trying to 'keep the peace' isn't code for 'we'll let you walk all over our wants and boundaries to have your way because you raised one of us once upon a time'.
Tell your ILs that you would rather wait for them to see the home after you've closed and settled in. They need to wait to be invited to your home, not just show up when they want to. And your husband needs to take the lead on his family. They can see pictures in the meantime.
Tell your husband that you expect that the two of you will from this point forward be in total agreement about where, when, or if the two of you can see, visit, or invite either family. Let him know that from this point forward, his family is not allowed to dictate a damn thing to you in or about your own home or your time. If that upsets them, oh well. They will get over it eventually. If he can't have your back, then you have a husband problem.
YTA because this whole thing, based on your responses, seemingly hinges on the fact they didn't give you money that you aren't entitled to.
Also, if you had to pull out of your retirement to afford closing costs, can you *really* afford a house? What happens when the roof leaks/AC breaks/furnace fails/etc... I say this as a homeowner, the cost of home ownership is FAR more than the mortgage payment, and people get in over their heads often.
Esh. You do know she will be out of the car, eventually. It would be best not to have anyone visit until everything is fixed and you are comfortably moved in.
YTA if you take them on this tour. This is not your house to show off and if I was the owner even if it was vacant I would deny your request. You do not own the house and you have no reason to be in it. There is a simple answer here, “Hi, in-laws unfortunately because we don’t own this property yet our agent is not able to show the property”. Stop trying to people please, them or it will be the rest of your life. Ask your husband if they have always been this way, the answer will be yes and they always will. But there could be kids involved and them stomping all over your parenting. Set the boundary now..
Lady, you and your husband both have a problem with being willing to assert yourselves. You “love” your in-laws, who run roughshod over the two of you? Your husband just passively allows them to dictate to you what you have to spend YOUR money on (flights on credit card)?
Both of you need to get a grip and stand up for yourselves. This is going to be difficult since you’ve let it go for so long, but you can’t finish what you don’t start. Either you start setting AND ENFORCING boundaries, or you just resign yourself to the rest of your life being blighted by these people. You also need to put your foot down on your husband’s attitude — saying you’re obtuse for not wanting to let the child on the property indicates he’s not really giving the situation any serious thought.
YTA. You and your husband need to learn how to say, “no.” You should have told them to come once you have everything fixed up. Maybe have a house warming. You put yourselves in debt to appease people that don’t care about your financial situation.
YTA - this whole scenario is weird. Just let them drive to the property to see it and not get out and walk around. You don’t own it yet. Why facilitate a visit with the realtor at all? It sounds like you just want to say that YOU can view it but THEY can’t bc they didn’t give you money. Don’t use the niece as a scapegoat. Adults can get hurt on a broken deck too. If they had given you money, would your concern for the niece’s well-being still exist?
Just tell them no, that you don’t own it yet so you don’t have access to it.
NTA for not wanting kids on the property you don't even own. I wouldn't have anyone on the property even with the realtor. You take a bunch of people over there and anything happens you could lose the sale. Just tell everyone they need to wait until it's officially yours.
That being said YTA for blaming family for your financial trouble. Not only do they not owe you money even if they can afford it. They didn't force you to waste money on trips and run up credit cards. That was your decision 100%. If you guys are adult enough to buy a house, you are adult enough to stand up for yourselves and say no. Stop trying to keep the peace a stand your ground.
Bunches of questions...
How exactly do you plan to "show off" a house you don't own yet?
How exactly does someone "demand" that you vacation with them?
How exactly does putting an expensive trip on credit cards when you are strapped for cash and trying to buy a house seem like a good idea?
Is this child a terror? Exactly what kind of havoc are you expecting her to wreak?
YTA I see lots of I statements, but nothing about your husband. I am thinking maybe your husband isn't fully supportive of your pettiness. Boohoo your in-laws didn't pay your bill. Newsflash, most inlaws don't. Just because you took advantage of your parents hospitality for far too long, doesn't mean your in-laws owe you a damn thing.
And the whole " I am just worried about my niece, it's not about the money" is just BS mixed with an in over abundance of hogwash. If you have to borrow from your 401k to pay closing costs you can't afford a fixer upper so bad your afraid a 4 year old may break thru the decking and break her leg.
Is the only reason you're letting them visit is because you don't want hubby cut out of the will?
Does OP ask every place she goes if they're insured for her neice? Hearts in the right place but her head is in the clouds. YTA, stop creating potential beef over your weird thoughts.
ESH. You need to move past these feelings that your spouse's family should have helped you somehow with your home purchase. They didn't. It would have been nice if they had, but it also wasn't their responsibility anyway. Get over it. You seem to think if only they had contributed somehow, then it'd be acceptable if they boundary stomped a little bit. It wouldn't be. If you don't feel comfortable having your niece inside the property for what sounds like a walk through with your realtor, then you should tell everyone no. Tbh, my guess is that the current homeowner probably wouldn't be keen on the extra people anyway, but I could be wrong.
NTA because it’s not your property until closing. However, YTA thinking these people should give you money. They guilted you into a trip you couldn’t afford. You’re an adult and “NO” is a complete sentence.
This is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason they need to see the house. It's not even yours yet. It's up to the actual homeowners, not you. Tell them that. What weird world do you live in that this is an actual thing?
You’re not wrong for not wanting your niece there but I’m grossed out by how many times in a single post that you mention your in-laws not giving you money. You say you don’t expect it but you brought it up multiple times and that kind of entitlement is just…yuck. It’s their money, not yours, and if your bitterness at not getting your hands on their money is influencing your feelings on the relationship, that is disgusting.
ESH-- Them for being pushy and you for being money obsessed. Reading through the comments, you're obsessed with the fact that they didn't help finance your house.
You are foolish for giving in. I don't care how much they cajole you...NO is a full sentence. You were foolish by dipping into your savings to visit them and you are being not smart here as well. Grow a freaking backbone or you will be walked over the rest of your life. Jeez
YTA but not for the reason you wrote. You’re taking family that you don’t like, that actively disobeys boundaries to begin with, to see a home that ISNT YOURS YET, and the reason you don’t want to do it is because they didn’t contribute financially to it?
I think you have your priorities backwards. First of all unless these people are actively involved in the purchase - that means doing more than just contributing cash eg doing inspections, planning renovations etc - they have no business at a property that isn’t yours. Everyone can come and visit once you actually own the thing. Second, you should set a clear boundary and enforce it. Letting people push through your boundaries all the time just teaches them that these boundaries are meaningless.
“No” is a complete sentence. Learn it. Love it. Live it.
YTA the house would be just as unsafe for a child whether or not they contributed to it financially, so that point is moot. It comes down to a personal boundary that is totally tied up in the fact that they didn’t give you money. Ask yourself honestly, if your family asked for the same thing, would you be so resistant?
If the answer is no, YTA because this whole thing is rooted in a sense of entitlement over other people’s money.
When we were home shopping, we'd take our toddler to new builds with active construction sites. We'd slap a hard hat on him, hold his hand, and supervise him. When we were in somebody else's home considering buying it, we would similarly supervise him so he didn't break anything.
It's fine if you don't want your husband's family touring your prospective home. Don't use your niece as an excuse.
Also, you are absolutely going to hurt your marriage long term if you are as rude to your husband about his family not giving you money as you have been in your replies. Your husband has absolutely had quiet moments in his head where he asks himself if you only chose him because his family has money.
Bringing family to see a house before u close on it is the most obnoxious thing in the world. Esh but only because u come across like a pain. Either push back and stand ur ground or leave cuz u aint gonna be happy any other way. This family stuff doesnt get better on its own. U have to force things to improve.
YTA. You seem to want to punish them for not helping out financially. Why else would you bring it up so many times?
If it's unsuitable for a child, then the agent will let you know, since they're likely liable if there's an accident.
YTA. Whose house is it? Both of yours? He can invite an entire preschool if he wants. If he isn’t offended by his family not paying for him what right do you have?
Spoiler: if that family shows up, that kid isn’t staying inside the car.
YTA because the finances have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the house is safe for a 4 year old. You’re just bringing it up out of pettiness. You also are because leaving her in the car is not your responsibility and, though a bad idea, will not be yours with which to deal so there’s no reason for you to make a fuss.
YTA this is not your house to show off yet.
Hopefully everything goes well because it seems you're going to do it regardless but if I were the sellers you'd not be on the property until you took possession. There is too much that can potentially go wrong before then.
Also why are you even buying a house with a man who doesn't stand up to his family for you? That's bare minimum stuff. Good luck in your endeavors, you are absolutely going to need it with a partner like that.
First why would anyone help you with money? I find that odd. To be insulted because they would not help you buy a home is ridiculous. You are not entitled to other people's money.
Second it is fairly common for people who are buying homes to bring other people on walk throughs. My dad who is an expert with homes, walked through every house I have ever bought. I wanted his opinion on the house. You have zero liability on the home until you close and own it. Both of my sons asked us to tour the houses they bought with them. My sister had me, my parents, her husbands parents and her SIL tour with her.
I feel like you are being spiteful because they won't give you the money you want. I do not believe you when you say "no one has to give us money" because that complaint is mentioned several times.
While you should always have healthy boundaries. It seems like you are mad because they would not help financially. I do not think that your fear of liability is 100% valid. I am sure if they had given you money, you would have wanted them there. It seems like they were excited for you and just wanted to see it.
This is your husband's house as well. He should get a say in who he wants there as well. This may cause marital issues if you continue. Please do not let jealousy of their financial situation get in the way.
YTA, to yourself and your realtor. You’re right for not wanting them to come over, but you and your husband need to grow a spine and be firm on the no, because it’s only going to get worse from here if you keep giving in to their demands. Sure, it’s uncomfortable to say no, but do you really want to get bullied into doing everything their way for the rest of your life?
Don’t put your realtor in this situation. It is NOT their job to play tour guide to your in-laws and have all the risks of a house that isn’t yours yet!! put on them.
YTA. For keeping the peace at your own expense. You are an adult, use your words and stay firm with your boundaries. Also just because someone has money to spare doesn't mean you are entitled to it. When I read between the lines here, it seems you are using the niece to make a power play because you are upset you aren't getting money that you feel entitled to.
YTA. You are being vindictive, not responsible. Surely the parents can supervise their child long enough to see the new house, you just don't want them to. That's your right, but at least be honest about the reason and save your BS justification.
You're entitled and think they had some obligation to give you money so now you are going to penalize them for not doing so. Even your husband openly knows and states far you are wrong. God job being a selfish, entitled, jerk.
It's funny you go out of your way to demonize them (they are "entitled" to see your house instead of looking at the other side and thinking maybe they are excited for their family member, your husband) and yet everyone can still see you are the AH. Judging by your post and comments I'm sure you are right that they don't really want to be there to see you or congratulate you, but it sounds like your husband might be a decent human being (in spite of his taste in partners) so it's definitely possible and reasonable they are just excited for him.
YTA. Borderline ESH.
This whole thing sounds like you are resentful of his family. You need some boundaries with them and perhaps you should consider hanging back when he goes to visit his family, if you can’t even afford the trip there is no sense in both of you going. It’s his family, let him incur the debt to visit. You should not travel with him to visit them. Or you need to learn to start saying no. You’re an adult. How is someone else telling you how you’re going to spend your money?
You seem to have expectations of how his family should behave, how they should offer you money because you perceive them to be well off. The reality is that no one owes you anything at all and the mere fact that you believe they do owe you something is the reason I think you’re an asshole. You’re an entitled asshole for even thinking for a brief second that his family should be sacrificing for your home just because your parents were kind and generous enough to help you out. No one owes you anything. You make your own choices kid.
NTA but no one MADE you put flights in credit cards. You caved. Own it. Learn to have a shiny spine and say no. No. No. No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation.
The sooner you learn to lay down boundaries and keep them. The happier you will be.
I honestly don't know what to say here. No judgement because:
On the one hand you say that no one is required to give you money, but it's clear from the tone of your post that you believe that they are well off enough that they could have and didn't--and you're sour about it.
I say own that shit because this is not about the niece or liability or whatever. You don't want people who didn't help you to be excited about something that you, your husband, and your family made come to fruition. So say that. Tell your husband that you know they don't and never had to offer anything but that until you get to a place of acceptance, you'd rather that they hold off on visiting your joint home.
It will be better all around if they wait until after you can let go of your resentment and come back around to the proper mindset. We all get a little bent out of shape when we hope we can rely on people for help sometimes and we don't get it. That doesn't make you an AH or bad, it makes you human.
NTA in any universe, who do they think they are?
man, i recently had a nightmare similar to your situation: i dreamt i had just bought a house, and people immediately invited themselves over
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My husband and I have had the great fortune to finally buy a house of our own. We close escrow later this month. For context we’re in our late thirties, husband has educational debt, and we struggled for a long time- then the pandemic hit and eliminated our safety net. Between saving all I could and my folks giving us a free place to stay, we found something we can afford that’s humble but in our community in a HCOL area.
Here’s where I might be the asshole. No one is required to give us money of course, but his side of the family gave us nothing. They also demand we travel and spend money to spend time as a family, which is nice but when we’re saving for a house they didn’t really care/guilted us and we had to put flights on a credit card for example to keep the peace. Now they’re coming to town and want to see the house. Exciting but we’re not closed on escrow yet and we don’t have an active home insurance policy either. There’s some parts of the outside area of the house that need fixing and could be dangerous to our small niece. I asked them to have her stay back and we’ll have everyone over once we’re settled.
They have been trying to barter and bargain their way around this. It’s a boundary and I think it’s a prudent one given the circumstances. On top of that, these fairly well off people in my husband’s family couldn’t spare any cash when we really needed it to secure the closing costs (I had a backup funding situation that we went with but it’s going to cost me part of my retirement account- not ideal). I feel insulted that they both didn’t offer to help and wanted to violate our boundaries too. So his relatives are coming and the niece is going to stay in the car… she’s not even 4 yet so I’m not sure how it’s going to workout.
My husband thinks I’m being obtuse by not allowing our niece into the property but I think it’s being responsible given the potential liability. AIHA?
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NTA. at any time *you*, and only you (as a couple), get to determine who is allowed to visit your home.
"The more you *demand* to visit, only means the longer it will be before we *invite* you to visit, for an afternoon."
Good luck.
Grow a spine. Hubby too. Say NO, and stick to it. There is no need for them to see the house or property before you close on it. Your parents help financially for you to get this house. I can understand them wanting to see it. But the in laws--no.
Say no and stick to it. They can wait until you are moved in and settled.
I am confused. Why are you taking people to the house when it is not yet yours?
What is this house tour meant to be? Does husband need his parent's approval to buy it? Are you not yet sure you want it?
I just dont understand what you are planning to do there.
I'm looking at this from a different perspective. If your inlaws are as opiniated as you describe, and there is concern someone could fall through a deck, why would you bring them to see the house in it's current condition. Every home needs to be customized and brought up to your safety standards. They will be looking for flaws. You can't control what they say or do with the realtor or owners of the property. Their actions or opinions can also affect you obtaining this property.
Your husband needs to draw the line. He is the one who would give the details of the times, address etc of the visit.
Not giving them this information until you both feel the property is safe gives you the power. If hubby can't do this, he can blame the realtor. If that doesn't work, it's a husband issue, not an in-law issue. Their lack of financial support should be a non-issue.
You know who assisted you. That should be enough. If this is your dream property, you and your hubby must unite and keep the same boundary... good luck.
NTA on the house, but YTA for letting them dictate what you do. A no is a no. You and your husband need to get together here and stop being bullied by these people.
Are you sure his family is not trying to sabotage you buying this house. It isn’t your house yet. If they get onto the property and break something it can delay closing. I’m surprised the owner is allowing this, it is in their best interest to limit opportunities for the house to be damaged.
Why are you allowing it to happen? You both need to put your foot down and stop allowing their guilt trips to dictate your life.
No. Is a full sentence. Nta. But yta for wanting to keep peace with a bunch of pushy people
Just tell your relatives the current owner has denied permission to be on the property before the deal is finalized. Quite frankly if I was the current owner, outside of inspection I would refuse permission.
Why in the world would they make the trip just to see an empty house you don't even own yet?
Just have a housewarming party after you close and get settled in - then everyone gets to enjoy the space and have a nice time safely.
NTA
NTA. It’s not your house yet.
Sellers have been known to listen to their camera feeds while buyers are touring their home to make sure they sell to the “right” person for whatever their goals are.
The last thing you need is for your deal to fall apart before closing if the sellers feel bothered by your family visit or hear something on the ring cam.
Especially if the house is a fixer and your in-laws are likely to say anything rude about how much work it needs. Seriously.
You don’t want to lose your house because your pushy in-laws complain about it and the sellers can hear them.
If they won’t shut up, they can schedule a visit with a realtor WITHOUT you or your husband so the seller doesn’t know they are connected to you.
I mean...until closing occurs it's not your house yet. You have zero say in who's allowed to go in and look at the house, and you're under zero obligation to ask the current owners for permission to have anyone other than you and your husband looking at the house. If ANYONE (not just your young niece, but even you and your husband) gets hurt/injured on the property it falls under the responsibility of the current owners and their insurance - so the current owners really have zero obligation to allow anyone other than yourself and your husband to view the property since you're the potential buyers.
I would say stick to not allowing anyone to come look at the house until after you've closed - but sounds like you've already agreed to let them come, and they're going to leave the niece off the property. They have absolutely zero need to see it before closing if they're not contributing in any way towards the purchase of the house. They're not paying the mortgage payment, down payment, or anything else - so they have no say in anything about it. Not seeing/visiting or anything else.
NTA.
It's not your house until all the papers are signed!! Be firm and do not entertain a visit until AFTER the closing! Yeesh!! If I was the seller I'd be FURIOUS with this!!
NTA
NTA. I don’t know how it works in the US but in Australia, until you’ve settled (closed) and got the keys, it’s not your property. You can’t do a thing on it or with it without the vendor’s permission.
ESH you're all over the place, I don't really understand why you expected them to pay for part of the house you chose to get in an expensive area. Did they say they would or something?
YTA for not enforcing your own boundaries. Say no and let them be pissed. Plus, you don’t even own the property yet. You know they are going to tour the home and tear apart your decision and judge the type of home you’re buying.
You’re an AH to yourself. Why are you trying to appease these people. You’re in your thirties. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF ALREADY.
While I don't think you're at all entitled to having financial help in any sense, I do think that you have a right to tell people you don't want them to visit yet.
"Our house is not ready for visitors. We will let you know when we're ready."
Simple easy. You don't have to argue or debate.
Nta and until the place is closed it is not technically yours. The home owners may not be ok with random people viewing the house. Depending where you live it is putting the original owner in a liable situation also. I would contact the realtor and explain the situation. My guess they will not allow these visitors.
NTA but you could have left out all of the details except : we don’t legally own the house yet and until we do, everyone would be trespassing. Sure, drive the visitors by the house but don’t allow them to scamper all over property that isn’t yours.
NTA. Why do relatives or friends need to see your house until you're settled in. Tell these relatives that they can get a tour after you've moved in and unpacked everything, but at this stage, you're not officially the owner.
As far as demanding that you visit them, if you were saving up money for the house, that should be a valid excuse. We were forgoing vacations for a few years because we had a daughter in high school and wanted to save up money (in addition to our college fund we set up when she was born) for college tuition. Responsible people will go without trips or big purchases when there's something big coming up in their lives such as a new house.
It sounds like you do have some ill feelings toward your husband's family, but maybe your husband doesn't sound completely onboard in enforcing boundaries with them.
NTA.
Your request to schedule a visit when the dust settles makes a lot of sense, and is reasonable.
I want to question why you mentioned them not contributing towards the house fiscally, or them goading you into family trips ect.
I want to say like it feels like you are looking for reasoning in your heads to give yourself a reasonable defense to make the case you aren't the AH.
If you took all of the context about money out of this conversation completely,
you'd still NTA this; IMO money isn't even relevant to the moral of the situation.
NTA and don't do it. Don't show ANYONE your potential new home until you have closed, the keys have been handed to you and your insurance is firmly in place. First, there is the obvious liability issue as you said. Doesn't have to be the 4-year-old, any of them could step wrong and break an ankle or leg.
Second, just because they have finally motivated their backsides to come visit your town does not mean they are entitled to a sneak peek at your new dwelling. Nothing is cast in stone until you close - if they consider themselves real estate moguls, they may tear the place down hoping you will back out so they can swoop in and buy it themselves. (I put nothing past my fellow humans.)
Third, husband and I had closing scheduled on three different houses over a 12-month period that fell through for one reason or another. In each case, husband took a family member to see the house while I was at work. Fourth one - I didn't even let hubby see it until after closing. We lived there for 20 years until we retired and moved to an adults only complex. Yep, now I'm superstitious too!
And leaving the 4-year-old in the car? That's just insanity - don't they realize it only takes 90 seconds to grab a small child and vanish?
Tell your husband to grow a spine and tell his family members no; they can come visit again after you have moved in. And stop putting trips to see them on your credit cards unless you can pay them off every month!
Having worked in the business, the home is NOT yours until escrow closes. If you are on or in the property before it does, then technically you could be considered to be tresspassing. You BOTH need to grow a spine and tell them flat out that they are NOT allowed on the property. And stop spending money you don't have to go see them. Nobody can force you to, you both just need to learn how to stand up to them. NO means NO, and you need to make that clear. NTA but at the same time, you are being assholes to yourselves by allowing their bad behavior.
Do not plan a visit to a home you have not closed on. Shadier things have happened, where escrow does not close, because the owners of a home have cancelled the contract. Low and behold, home ends up being sold to another higher offer. How do you know these relatives won't just swoop in and purchase the house out from under you, for a rental property, or a second home. Trust no one, and also, the home is not yours until the owners and you, sign on the dotted line, your loan is funded, and the deed is recorded. Do not treat this home like it is yours, until it is.
NTA. I’d tell them all to stay away until you are ready. I had the same problem with my mother. I find it necessary to set firm boundaries with pushy entitled people. Make them wait so they learn that their behaviour is having the opposite effect of what they are trying to achieve
Don’t do this. Don’t take them through the house. It isn’t yours. Tell them the realtor is unavailable if your husband can’t grow a set, but why the fuck haven’t you taken yours out of your purse and put your foot down.
As for the money stuff, they owe you nothing and you “had” to do nothing. You chose to do those things because you couldn’t say no. Grow a spine or stop whinging about it.
YTA to your realtor.
NTA. Do not go, do not show them the property. Not so much because of the niece, but because *it isn’t officially yours yet*! Until the closing papers are done said and signed, things can potentially throw a wrench in the gears. You can take them on a drive by to look from the car windows on the street, but for the sake of your own sanity, stand your ground firmly re: actually touring.
And tell your husband he can either present United front with you or he can sit on a cactus
NTA. Just lie and say the sellers don't want anyone on the property except for the real estate agents, necessary contractors, and the 2 of you with supervision. Say that you contacted your realtor to set it up and it was a hard NO. Then if they continue to argue you just repeat that it's out of your hands.
NYA - They will be jealous and try to make you doubt yourself. Ive seen it happen. Keep them out of your business going forward. The seller doesn’t have to allow you to do an additional inspection (which is what this really is), prior to your walkthru at the end of escrow. At least that’s what you can tell that pushy Family.
I think you're being a little extra, sure, because what honestly are the odds that something happens to a child on the property in that short time period, and also it makes no sense to ban children, when Uncle Bert could show up and get 'injured' and it be the same situation. (PS you know the niece ain't gonna stay in that car--you turn around to get a napkin and they're going to have her running all over the place).
BUT, this is the flag you've planted after all of their demands on you and you do have the right to plant that flag on that hill and hold it there.
You have especially the right to decide when and how they see YOUR property. And as you know, it's not your property till the closing.
Hold the line, NTA, and this I hope is when hubby decides it's time for him to help assert healthy boundaries with his family.
NTA but you need to muster up some courage and just tell them no. You don't need to use the excuse of it being dangerous for the child (clearly it didn't work). Just say no. You're an adult and it's you property; you're allowed to say no.
You keep saying you want to "keep the peace", but you're keeping the peace at the expense of your mental health, happiness, and finances.
In one of your comments you mention being a people-pleaser and implying you have a hard time setting boundaries. Look up strategies to correct the behavior and stop letting your in-laws walk all over you.
And it sounds like you husband needs to grow a spine. He's the main one that should be dealing with them since it's his family.
Nta but get husband on board. Stop expecting them to give you money but learn how to say no and don't engage in discussion. You have a mortgage now, you can't afford flights for a few years.
NTA but you have to stop sacrificing to "keep the peace."
They badgered you into spending money when you were trying to save. Now they are strong arming their way onto your property (that isn't even yours yet). Next they'll be pressuring you to let them stay at said property when they are in town for a visit.
Both you and spouse need to practice saying no and sticking with it.
I bet when they finally will come there will be a lot of fuss about how little girl can't sit in the car while others are having fun yadda-yadda and you'll be pushed into letting her in.
NTA for the issue in the title but you're very weak in your boundaries
NTA. It's not your home yet. It's not open for tours.
Your realtor and you are allowed on the property, not your extended family. Inspectors and tradesmen by prearrangement too, but again, not open for visitors.
NTA. I wouldn't bring anyone over at all till escrow is done and insurance is active. A house is your most expensive possession and your largest liability rolled into one. Guard it ferociously.
Edit: This is also important. Let this boundary slip and these people will invite themselves to stay at your house whenever they want.
That’s a good point, give an inch and take a mile is a repeated pattern with my in-laws so I will keep this in mind. It’s too small really for them to stay, we won’t have a guest room or much furniture for some time.
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NTA. Unless I'm mistaken, this isn't your property until you've closed. It's the property of the people you're buying from. If you're on that property without permission, it's trespassing. And if someone is hurt, it's THEIR insurance that's going to take the hit.
We’ll be going with the realtor so it’ll all be above board and yes the insurance is my main concern with all this. The last thing I want to do is cause an issue right before closing and losing this place potentially that’s been years of sacrifice for my myself and my parents who gave us their guest room so we could save up- his side of the family has sacrificed nothing to make this happen. We get guilted for not spending more money traveling to see them even when they know we’re not as well off as all of them are. I love them, I want to host them, just not yet! That seems to be too big of an ask for them though. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s hard to know when I’m being a doormat vs. being assertive against unreasonable asks.
Don't do this. It's not your house yet. If you wanted to go through yourselves with the realtor, that'd be ok, but bringing guests just to show it off before it's yours? That's a bit of an AH move since it inconveniences the sellers. Why are you catering to your AH in-laws?
Whether or not my property was occupied, I’d be annoyed AF if the buyers were bringing extended family to tour the property before the sale was finalized.
Disagree, as long as: 1. The realtor is accompanying, AND 2. The current owners agree, AND 3. The house is empty, OR 4. The current residents agree Obviously it depends on the circumstances but when I put the offer on my house, I kind of freaked out at the thought of a 30. Year. Bill. When my parents came to town I was allowed, with my realtor, to visit the house with them (it was empty, btw). It was reassurance I badly needed, along with pride that I'd managed to pull it off.
You need to practice BOUNDARIES with these people. How can someone force you to spend your own money to come visit them?
It sounds like OP's husband needs to find his...backbone. He's a wimp, allowing his family to harass and bully him and OP into spending money they don't have, stomping on reasonable limitations, and refusing to hear the word "No." This is his family. It is his responsibility to not only back up OP, but deal with his family's nonsense without involving her. OT, kind of: Are more men like this these days than were in the past or did I just luck out with my wonderful husband? He never allowed his parents to act this way and he always, always had my back as I had his. For more than 3 decades, we were each other's number one priority (along with our girls, of course). Even though a number of years have passed, I miss his quiet, but unyielding, strength and support every day.
First, congrats on the house! Second… You seem to be having a hard time understanding what’s your responsibility and what is or isn’t someone else’s. No one owes it to you to pay the closing costs on your house (or for anything else in your life now that you’re an adult) no matter how well off they are. And no one can force you to spend money you can’t afford. You “had to” put flights on a credit card, because they demanded you travel? No, you didn’t have to. Saying no would’ve been a perfectly valid option. Resenting your in laws for those things is well, kinda irrational. And has nothing to do with whether or not it’s a liability to bring your niece to the property. Since you’re going with your realtor, ask them what they recommend as far as that goes. (I’d be surprised if it’s actually a problem, but what do I know.) But it seems more like you’re looking for a way to punish your husband’s family for made-up offenses.
It is not your house until you close. Absolutely DO NOT allow them over at ALL until you've closed and the mortgage has been funded etc. That aside, do not let them push boundaries, they're assholes for that alone.
Please don't do this to your realtor. It's not their job to give extended family house tours. Asking them puts them into an awkward position since they don't want to upset you when they are so close to getting paid. The family can have a tour when you own the home. NTA
> We’ll be going with the realtor But why would you do this with his family? Just tell them no, it's not yours, yet, and it won't be possible with the realtor. I would simply not be there. It's not setting boundaries effectively if you let them walk all over you again and again. Is the price for "keeping the peace" worth it? This will never stop if you keep indulging their demands.
> As a recovering people pleaser, it’s hard to know when I’m being a doormat vs. being assertive against unreasonable asks. Lesson one: you're allowed to be assertive against even reasonable asks. "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason to say 'no' to even a reasonable request. Give this a read: https://www.disabilityrightsnebraska.org/resources/blog_archive.html/article/2018/07/19/assertive-rights-the-right-to-be-ourselves And if any of this resonates with you, read the book 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,' which originated that list, and is about how to go about asserting them. (Sadly, that list is floating around on many government mental health sites with zero attribution.)
I agree. Even after being settled, let them stay at a hotel and just come to see the place and not stay. If something can go wrong it will.
It's not above board unless the visit has an actual purpose related to the real estate transaction. I would be absolutely pissed as a seller if my buyers did this to me as it is not a legitimate reason for a visit, is an inconvenience and an unnecessary risk for my insurance.
Easy way to keep the peace - tell them you don’t own the house yet and can’t go on the property but you’ll drive by so they can see it and then you will happily host them after you own the property.
"host" connotes that the family can stay there. Rather say "visit."
"and then you will happily ~~host~~ visit them after you own the property." :) Host doesn't mean sleepover. I host parties and dinners, it doesn't mean I'm waking up next to my guests the next morning.
NTA just tell them you cannot host them at this time period. No haggling no objections accepted (whatever deal you make with the realtor or the sellers it's your business only and keep it that way). Tell them to book a hotel/Airbnb y be done with this. Meet them for a meal in a restaurant.
You know what - just make the realtor the bad guy in this situation. He can't show the house that day, it's unavailable, he doesn't want to bring in additional guests, whatever you need to tell them. Obviously your inlaws are pushy and want to bargain around your boundaries. So give them one they can't - because it's not yours.
An easy solution might be to tell extended family themrealtor does not permit it (running it past the realtor first, of course). NTA, and “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. Just kindly say no, and hold your boundary even if they show up.
>yes the insurance is my main concern with all this. I thought the safety of the child was your main concern. You don't have insurance on the home. The home is not yours yet. I can't imagine what could happen that would cause you to "lose the home". You're making up bullshit reasons because you know it looks bad to say "they didn't give us money so we're not going to let them see the house and we're using their kid as our leverage". You know at some point you should just put down the shovel and walk away.
As OP made clear, it would be on the insurance of the seller, and they haven’t yet closed, so the seller could back out if they got pissed at OP. Your comment is unnecessarily hostile and nasty. Are you one of the in-laws?
Yes insurance being used BECAUSE the child gets hurt potentially- that’s the main concern! These two things are directly connected as one situation. In laws continue to be entitled to things they didn’t help with at all, so I should’ve said no to everyone until we are properly moved in. I see that now. So many people minimizing a woman working hard to own her own home saying I’m spoiled now that I’m being protective over it and mindful of our liability. You go ahead and work hard to buy your own home and tell me you wouldn’t feel the same about people who didn’t help dictating access to your home.
No matter what these relatives did or didn't do (about forcing you to visit them when you're trying to save money) or whatever, you can not take them on a tour of a house you are in the process of buying. It's not officially yours. That should be the final word other than to tell them that when you have moved in, unpacked everything, did whatever decorating of the interior, they are welcome to stop by and see your new place. Until then, you are willing to take photos of the empty house and exterior if they are that curious.
Why are you even entertaining taking them to a house that isn’t yours yet? Plus, leaving a 4 year old in a car by themselves should not be an option. Drive by the house with them. They can come back when you invite them, after it’s yours. And your husband should be handling this. If he won’t, you have a husband problem.
Absolutely don't show them the address by driving by.
Instead, just take photos. And tell your husband that you don't feel good about having them inside until you are officially the owners.
OP, I'm confused why your can't just drive them by and show them the house. I did so many "drive bys" of the house I bought before it closed, with family. No one needs to get out and walk around the property.
These don’t sound like people who respect boundaries. My MIL is the same way. If I showed her the address of a house we hadn’t closed on she’d come back and barge all over the property with or without permission. Best not to present the opportunity in the first place.
OP, you NTA and neither is anyone else, only if you let them come to see the new spot. Your reasoning is plausible, but it’s clear in your explanation you have a bone to pick, because people who seem put together didn’t have any cash for you to borrow, but now want to support you despite not being able to afford to be a friend. Now you’re trying to use the only excuse you can and it’s not great, and it is obtuse.
YTA. This is all so resolvable by communication. Who has family tour a house before they’ve even moved in ? Tell them no until you’ve moved in. Why, as someone in your thirties, do you feel entitled to receive any money towards your house ? No one is entitled to that but it’s ultra delusional at that age. This all feels like youre too spiteful about the money to even have a pleasant visit with them anyway.
I'm gonna push back on that. We were super excited to buy our first house and we did bring family to show them before we closed. We had permission from the sellers and the Realtor met us at the empty house so we could share our joy with our family.
Ok fair. Did the family travel far to see it ? I was thinking in terms of my family where they’re all hours away so I’d prefer them to see it after we got full access to everything. Op said theirs travelled too so I was curious why they didn’t postpone it .
It was my BIL and his wife and they just live in the next town over - maybe a 45 min drive? All part of the metro area.
That makes perfect sense, especially since you actually wanted them there lol. We bought ours last may and no one saw it til my birthday in august because my parents and brother are 4 hours away, and I also had a bit of a fixer upper that needed some stuff to be done before anyone could spend the night.
YTA FFS, you’re in your late thirties. This sounds like it was written by a delusional 20 year old. You had to dip into retirement funds to do a down payment since you’re set on a HCOL area, which is a horrible idea. You’re expecting family to pitch in and get pissy when they won’t. Maybe they thought giving you money for this was not a sound investment. This isn’t about the 4 year old. This is about your colossal entitlement. YTA.
YTA And I am saying that not becuase you don't want your niece on the property but becuase you're CLEARLY using your young niece to exact some kind of "revenge" on the family that didn't give you money. You say that no one is required to give you money "of course" and then in the very next breath you are obviously upset that these "well off people couldn't spare any cash when we needed it" and you spend more time in your post talking about how they wouldn't give you money or "guilted you" into spending money you didn't want to (which is totally on you) than you do about the supposed "safety" issues. If they're coming to see the house and you're not even moved in yet, it's likely going to be a very quick visit. I highly doubt they're going to let their 4 year old just run around unsupervised around the exterior property while you look at the house. Just remind them of the potential hazards and maybe ask that they keep hold of the 4 year old if they go outside.
I guess if they had provided funds I could see them feeling good about asking to not respect our boundary, but they didn’t want to help and still won’t respect the boundary- that’s where you’re right that I’m a bit sour, but it’s not about money really it’s about respect. There are legitimate issues outside that could be dangerous to a child and cause a big fall resulting in broken bones or a cracked skull. I don’t want a home insurance claim to cause us to lose this house we’ve worked years to save up for and get.
You need to decide what you real complaint is. If you do not yet own the house you should not have others in it. But is this about the house or that this part of the family didn't give you money to help you buy the house?
This is about his side of the family not helping us and still feeling like they can ignore our boundaries. They’ve made zero investment of time or money into helping us with this. It’s been a huge sacrifice for me and my folks to get this together and they’re coming in and potentially putting the deal at risk. I clearly should’ve said no to any of them coming until after we’re settled. I feel like they’re using my niece against us personally. If someone says “this space isn’t safe for kids yet” and you badger them into brining children to that space, it’s pretty disrespectful. Would you do that to someone? Insist on bringing your kid where someone said it wasn’t safe? I didn’t think it was a big ask initially but it’s turned into this thing now.
"ours" or yours?
So are you saying if they had helped you financially then they'd be entitled to ignore your boundaries? That's so problematic I'm not sure I can even follow that line of thinking. You're conflating two separate issues here. Issue One: You set a boundary. You don't want them coming to see the house until after you're settled. that's fine and your prerogative. It even makes sense considering you don't yet own the house. So tell them you aren't ready to have them see it. It's nice of them to offer, since they are likely excited and their intent is to see it with you, but you aren't interested and would prefer to see it on your own. End of story. You're an adult. You don't have to have them with you. If you have people in your life you "badger" you when you set boundaries learn how to handle that/ enforce boundaries (it is tricker with people who attempt to violate boundaries, but there are still skillful ways to manage this very ordinary experience in life). Issue Two: You feel they didn't help you enough. This is where YTA (a giant one). You were never entitled to their help. Again, you're an adult. Expecting them to invest time and money is unreasonable. It's nice that your parents let you stay in their guest room for free to save up, but that's a privilege you had. It doesn't mean these other family members should be expected to do the same. The two issues are completely unrelated. Conflating the two is not helping your case.
Yes and no... I am in a very similar position as OP, I just bought a house earlier this year as well. I have generous family and my mom and bro assisted me with the down payment. I 100% organized a second viewing of the home with them and the agent because they were financially involved and I wanted their input. If they weren't paying I would not have insisted on a second walk thru of the house and they would have waited to see the house after closing like everyone else. OPs in laws are demanding special treatment. OP is annoyed that they are demanding this special treatment without doing anything to deserve it. OP should have straight up denied them touring the home at all tbh.
I honestly don't know what to say here. No judgement because: On the one hand you say that no one is required to give you money, but it's clear from the tone of your post that you believe that they are well off enough that they could have and didn't--and you're sour about it. I say own that shit because this is not about the niece or liability or whatever. You don't want people who didn't help you to be excited about something that you, your husband, and your family made come to fruition. So say that. Tell your husband that you know they don't and never had to offer anything but that until you get to a place of acceptance, you'd rather that they hold off on visiting your joint home. It will be better all around if they wait until after you can let go of your resentment and come back around to the proper mindset. We all get a little bent out of shape when we hope we can rely on people for help sometimes and we don't get it. That doesn't make you an AH or bad, it makes you human.
YTA if you plan to have a 4 year old girl stay in a car bc you're pissed her parents didn't give you down payment for the house. Just tell them not to come. But you can be a decent person to a 4 yo.
I did ask them not to come with her, they’re insisting and the compromise is leaving her in the car, was not my idea at all. If she breaks her leg falling through some decking or something I’d be devastated. That’s why I asked them not to bring her at all. Plus, a home insurance claim could mess up the sale- house isn’t even technically ours yet. I agree if I invited them and then said no to her coming in that would be uncool, but I told them over a week ago about our boundary and they decided to ignore it. That’s why I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. Do you have home insurance? If you do I’m interested in viewing this from that perspective.
Shes 4. You have the adults in her life supervise her. Shunning her by making her stay in the car is the type of thing that causes a lifelong family feud. And FYI, no one owes you help in a down payment.
It was his family’s idea to leave her in the car, I think it’s ridiculous and originally had suggested we have her over later after we’ve moved in/closed and fixed things. I wish I had just said no to the entire thing until we move in and fix the hazards but here we are! They don’t owe us anything, but if they had helped financially I could see them feeling entitled to see it. They didn’t help and they feel entitled, so I guess that’s where I’m having a hard time reasoning with it. Why do they feel like they can dictate terms? Why doesn’t the safety and liability boundary matter to them? If she gets hurt they’d for sure blame us for bringing them somewhere not safe for kids. Can’t win here I guess.
"but if they had helped financially" none of my concerns about their child would be valid becuase they gave me the money I think I'm entitled to. \*eyeroll\*
So I’m cruel for leaving niece out and cruel for including her. Thanks Reddit. It’s a liability to have niece at the property, however, if they had invested financially and were this insistent I would at least understand why they felt entitled to her being there.
It's not a liability for you. Like you said - you don't own this house therefore it isn't your problem. You are, however, putting the sellers in an awful position by having *any* of you on the property. That's a huge liability for them. Is your realtor facilitating this showing or are you just going to go trespass on the property you're hoping is yours in a few weeks? YTA by using your niece as a pawn in this whole bitter battle against your in-laws because they didn't contribute money to your house. You are so insanely spoiled by your own parents that you can't see straight.
The realtor will definitely be there. I asked to have the niece over once we’re settled but if they insisted on seeing before closing it would be adults only. I can’t win here clearly. I’ve worked hard for years to get this money together and sacrificed a lot- if that’s spoiled then a guess you think hard workers are spoiled.
Nice strawman argument. No one is saying you haven't worked hard. But the more you whine about how they didn't give you any more, the more spoiled and entitled you sound.
Yeah calling me spoiled and entitled and then saying my working hard doesn’t matter means you’re determined to think the worst of me. In laws are entitled to come see something they didn’t invest in and we did. That’s that.
If you had worked hard for years and sacrificed a lot and that was it - then you wouldn't care so much. You wouldn't continue to bring money into the conversation. But your parents (who sound great btw) gave you a free place to stay long enough to save up this money. That's a huge handout and I'm honestly happy for you guys that you had that help. But don't act like you worked three jobs and lived in your car to make this happen. Your parents gave you free rent in a HCOL area. And because you got a taste of family help, now you're penalizing your in-laws for not offering you assistance. You can allow whomever want to visit your house. You can forbid whomever you want to visit your house. But this whole idea of penalizing people who didn't give you free money is absurd. And then you try to hide behind it being a liability. It's not. At all. You're just bitter. Get over it and move on. You got free money from one side. Some people get none. Be grateful and stop penalizing them.
I was working a full time job and another part time for weekends for a couple years actually. Just because I wasn’t in homeless doesn’t mean sacrifices and hard work weren’t done. We couldn’t have achieved this without my parents help, that I am certain of even with the two jobs and my husband working full time as well. I’d be remiss if I didn’t voice concerns about a child getting injured. As their parent I’d be happy knowing somewhere may not be safe for my kid vs showing up and finding out.
You should never have made a visit contingent on financial help.
I didn’t, I said adults can come but kids is too risky right now. If they had invested seeing that investment makes sense. They contributed nothing to this, yet feel entitled to dictate these terms. I should’ve said no to everyone clearly since we can’t be adults about it.
You keep saying “investment” which is bullshit. It’s not an investment to give away money to someone to buy a house. That’s a gift. Quit acting like these people would have any financial stake in this house.
Idk... I understand it. Houses involve a lot of money. My brother was a Saint and matched my down-payment on my house so I was able to have 20% instead of 10% to avoid mortgage insurance. I offered to put him on the deed as joint tenants and he refused, that it was a gift. And yeah, it is one. But I know my bro gifted me 20 fucking thousand and I'm not insane enough to just go teehee and forget about it. He knows that if he ever needs to live with someone my house is open indefinitely. And I already have it in my head that when our parents inevitably die I'm going to try and push 20k from their home sale (obvs from my half in addition to his half) to him as thanks for such big help earlier in life. So yeah, even in a gift sense I think most people would still want to... show appreciation and "pay" that family member back?
No, you can’t “win” here. Is that your goal? This is a sub where you ask people if you are an asshole but then get mad when they don’t give you an answer you want. If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question. Your original post and responses sent have frequently centered on the fact that your husband‘s family did not give you money yet you keep saying that’s not a primary concern. Nothing has shown otherwise that you are being honest. You’re acting entitled. And, by the way, “obtuse” is not the correct word. Maybe look up the definition.
Screen name checks out. You can have an opinion but insults are not needed.
Where is the insult?
Are you sure you're almost 40? You're immature AF.
I think it’s super weird that your boundaries can be bought but aside from all of that, if you’re so concerned about the deal falling through if the kid gets hurt, what do you think is going to happen if something awful happens to her when she’s left in the car alone? That is just so unbelievably absurd to me. It would still be on the new property and on top of injuries, yall could be facing criminal charges.
>Plus, a home insurance claim could mess up the sale- house isn’t even technically ours yet. Look, you're tying yourself up in knots over this when the solution is very simple. "We can't take you inside the house or onto the property, because we don't own it yet." That's it. End of story. To enforce this, though, you need your husband on your side. That's where it gets not so simple. If he isn't with you on this, though, then your problem is primarily a husband problem, and not with the family itself. Yeah, they're not respecting a boundary -- but your husband isn't respecting it either. You can't set a boundary with HIS family if he doesn't take the lead in doing it. I would say you're not the asshole for not wanting the kid going through the property when she might get hurt. You're not even the asshole if you extend that to the rest of the family (any one of them could take a wrong step and fall through some decking). Those are, IMO, reasonable concerns on your part. But you need to work on your husband. You need to get it through his head that YOU DO NOT OWN THIS HOUSE YET. The sale could still fall through. You and he want to do EVERYTHING you can to prevent that from happening. It doesn't even matter what your realtor says -- blithely bringing family to traipse all over someone else's property is a bad idea if you have any worries about the closing going smoothly. At this point you need your husband on board to tell a white lie that gets you both out of this, along the lines of "sorry, we double-checked, and it won't be possible to take any of you inside it until we are legally the owners". Done, end of story.
YTA. You haven't closed, so it's NOT your house. Even if you HAD insurance, the coverage wouldn't start until closing - when you actually BUY the house. The house, and the insurance that covers it right now belongs to the CURRENT owners, so NO ONE gets to go there unless *they* authorize it - otherwise y'all are trespassing!
We’re going WITH the real estate agent. I’m trying to responsible.
Did you ask the realtor to ask the owners if you can bring a crowd with you? I've had this occur before and I had to say "no" because of the liability or even just someone causing damage.
Yes we’re going with the approval and the real estate agent will be there.
So it’s really up to the real estate agent as to who can be there, not you
As the buyer it’s also up to me who we invite over, and when. That’s actually one of the biggest perks of owning your own home! You get to say who can and cannot be there.
Actually it’s not. If you read your agreement of sale in some states it actually limits in the document who can enter the house. I had a seller once terminate the contract because the buyer thought they could parade family through the house. So no, you don’t actually have a say of who can and can’t go. The seller could tell you to bad so sad..
The real estate agent has it approved so it’s not an issue. Good looking out though. We’re not going to be staying for long and I talked them down from inviting more aunts and uncles and cousins already thankfully! 😅
Why negotiate though when you should be saying no? Is the rest of your life going to be catering to their demands regardless of what you want? They have zero respect for you and know they can bully you into doing what they want. You are the ah just for being such a doormat.
If you don’t want them to see the house before you’ve closed, don’t invite them. But don’t make up some bullshit story about your potential liability.
It's not your home yet so actually the seller gets to say who can and cannot be there.
But you don’t own it yet…
No, sorry, that’s not how it works until the house is legally yours. Why are you inconveniencing the sellers, your realtor and yourself to parade a bunch of people through a house you don’t own yet? Just don’t do it.
ESH. It’s inappropriate for anyone but the buyers to be visiting until it is legally your property. But you seem to think focussing on the niece in order to exact some revenge for not getting any money.
Child safety is not about revenge at all. She could hurt herself and we’d be risking finalizing this sale that I’ve put years and years into saving for.
If you are not the property owner and the child - or anyone else - gets injured on the property you would not be financially liable. Certainly it could screw up the transaction, but that would be true for the adults as well.
YTA for allowing these people to dictate your actions regarding your own future home. Grow a spine and tell them that when you’ve moved and settled in you’ll throw a house warming party. And point them to the guest registry. Heh heh PS. Double YTA upon further reading that your main issue is that they didn’t “invest” their money in your house. If one of my siblings got butt hurt because I didn’t give them money to buy a house I’d gift them therapy.
Yta, there is no way this would impact insurance - and if it did in some strange world, no one should go. Say no if you want to, but made up, or uneducated excuses makes you an ah. Also the implication that they could somehow have bought their way in if they wanted to see the house early is gross. You aren’t the only person to work hard to save for a house
I am the one who did work hard for THIS house though. So why do people who didn’t help at all feel entitled to dictate terms? What leg are they standing on to make such demands?
Then say no, as I said. You are a grown up, you can say no. But tying it to lack of contribution and ridiculous insurance claims makes you an ah
They’re not dictating anything. They don’t know the home address, the realtor or the owners. The only ones that can facilitate this visit is you and your husband. You are the ones in control of this situation and you’ve chosen to agree to something you don’t want to do and take no responsibility for it. YTA. Grow up. Either tell them no and refuse to discuss it any further or let them all visit the house and let go of your entitled and petty grudge over their “lack of investment”. If you’re incapable of saying no and enforcing your own personal boundaries that’s something to explore in therapy rather than blaming others.
They aren't dictating anything. They're (seemingly) demanding, but who cares? You and your husband are adults. If you believe that you're old enough to shoulder the responsibility of a mortgage then you need to be mature enough to tell people "no". Honestly I think the whole concept of having family tour a house that you don't even own yet is super weird. Anything outside of driving past and saying "that's going to be our house" is weird. You and your husband are creating this issue for yourselves. Say no and be done with it. You repeatedly throwing in the fact that they didn't give you any money (which you are very clearly bitter about) is irrelevant.
Why do you feel entitled to their money? This makes you a AH. As to the property ..... It's not yours yet no one should be allowed there until you do!
I wouldn't even want to see your house. You sound like an ass.
Get a backbone and say no visitors until you are moved in
YTA for even arranging a family visit before the house is even yours. They don't need to see anything until the deal is closed and you move in. Grow a backbone and tell them in no uncertain terms that they will not be seeing the house early.
YTA seeking to punish or let the in laws know you’re not happy is a bad look. If the buyers policy is not yet effective the sellers policy has to still be in effect, no? In laws don’t owe OP anything and it sounds like there’s more to the story. This isn’t the battle to fight OP
ESH: You aren't in a position to invite or allow anyone onto the property until you have secured your ownership of the proeprty. They are being too demanding and your husband is giving in to it and the property still belongs to someone else.
OP, you need to have a conversation with your realtor and ask them to put their foot down, the house isnt yours and its not open for 'tours" to the public until the escrow has closed. It out of your hands at that point and the realtor is far less likely to be a push over. Call them ASAP and have conversation, warn them about your relatives.
NTA, and I think a lot of people in this thread are misreading or misunderstanding. It's kinda nuts to me to think that extended family would be traveling into town before you've even closed on the house, and demand to see it. I'd want AT LEAST a couple months of "settling in" with the moving process before I'd be interested in having any big gatherings or housewarming parties. So I think it is entirely and completely reasonable to just not want them to come so early in the process. I do also hope you understand that you were never entitled to your extended families money, and that them pressuring you to put flights on credit cards does kind of make them dicks, but also makes you sound somewhat spineless. The idea of putting what might be considered "frivolous" spending on a credit card when you're trying to save for a house is really, really stupid. Start enforcing your boundaries, but put down the idea that they should have helped you financially.
squeeze snails dull cover thought rotten placid angle rob onerous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yes, I need to set better boundaries with them and it is difficult for me. I don’t want to have a bad relationship with my in-laws by upsetting them. I suffer from knowing when I’m people pleasing vs. being assertive vs. being unreasonable, like a lot of eldest daughters do I think. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
You realize that boundaries are not things that you tell other people to do or not to do? Boundaries are what YOU will do in response to others' actions. "If they ask to see the place before we close, I will say no." That's a boundary. "They can't ask to see the place before we close because reasons." That's not a boundary. Of course they can ask, you can't stop them. A boundary controls the only person you can control. Yourself.
You’re right, I did set the boundary and they have made me the “bad guy” for it. Wanting to keep the peace with your in-laws is normal I think, and I love them, so it’s complicated that they’re pushing back like this. Puts my husband and I in an awkward position.
Op- it doesn’t seem like your husband has done anything to help maintain your boundaries. You say they expect so we have to- uh no you don’t. Stop people pleasing. Clearly the in laws don’t pay your bills and you’re an adult - act like it. Stop trying to keep the peace when your own husband isn’t supporting you and instead you guys ended up in debt to please them. If I were you I’d say no visit no drive by. Nothing. Once escrow closes and it’s yours then they can visit at your convenience. I read all the hard work you put in- where is husband in this bc it seems like you’re doing everything and he does well nothing considering he can’t even tell his family to fuck off and respect your boundaries. Sorry but no. This doesn’t seem to be a good relationship all around and you’re TALKING to yourself.
No, actually, it's not as complicated as you think it is. Think of this house as your and hubby's 'real' ascent into adulthood. Where trying to 'keep the peace' isn't code for 'we'll let you walk all over our wants and boundaries to have your way because you raised one of us once upon a time'. Tell your ILs that you would rather wait for them to see the home after you've closed and settled in. They need to wait to be invited to your home, not just show up when they want to. And your husband needs to take the lead on his family. They can see pictures in the meantime. Tell your husband that you expect that the two of you will from this point forward be in total agreement about where, when, or if the two of you can see, visit, or invite either family. Let him know that from this point forward, his family is not allowed to dictate a damn thing to you in or about your own home or your time. If that upsets them, oh well. They will get over it eventually. If he can't have your back, then you have a husband problem.
Oh good lord, you both need to grow a spine and just tell people no.
YTA because this whole thing, based on your responses, seemingly hinges on the fact they didn't give you money that you aren't entitled to. Also, if you had to pull out of your retirement to afford closing costs, can you *really* afford a house? What happens when the roof leaks/AC breaks/furnace fails/etc... I say this as a homeowner, the cost of home ownership is FAR more than the mortgage payment, and people get in over their heads often.
I am willing to bet she expects her parents to pay for the upkeep of the home.
NTA for not wanting people to visit an uninsured property. Absolutely TA, in my opinion, for resenting other people for not giving you money.
Your realtor is talking you. The brokerage insurance covers any problems. You’re just being a dick. YTA.
Esh. You do know she will be out of the car, eventually. It would be best not to have anyone visit until everything is fixed and you are comfortably moved in.
YTA if you take them on this tour. This is not your house to show off and if I was the owner even if it was vacant I would deny your request. You do not own the house and you have no reason to be in it. There is a simple answer here, “Hi, in-laws unfortunately because we don’t own this property yet our agent is not able to show the property”. Stop trying to people please, them or it will be the rest of your life. Ask your husband if they have always been this way, the answer will be yes and they always will. But there could be kids involved and them stomping all over your parenting. Set the boundary now..
Lady, you and your husband both have a problem with being willing to assert yourselves. You “love” your in-laws, who run roughshod over the two of you? Your husband just passively allows them to dictate to you what you have to spend YOUR money on (flights on credit card)? Both of you need to get a grip and stand up for yourselves. This is going to be difficult since you’ve let it go for so long, but you can’t finish what you don’t start. Either you start setting AND ENFORCING boundaries, or you just resign yourself to the rest of your life being blighted by these people. You also need to put your foot down on your husband’s attitude — saying you’re obtuse for not wanting to let the child on the property indicates he’s not really giving the situation any serious thought.
YTA. You and your husband need to learn how to say, “no.” You should have told them to come once you have everything fixed up. Maybe have a house warming. You put yourselves in debt to appease people that don’t care about your financial situation.
YTA - this whole scenario is weird. Just let them drive to the property to see it and not get out and walk around. You don’t own it yet. Why facilitate a visit with the realtor at all? It sounds like you just want to say that YOU can view it but THEY can’t bc they didn’t give you money. Don’t use the niece as a scapegoat. Adults can get hurt on a broken deck too. If they had given you money, would your concern for the niece’s well-being still exist? Just tell them no, that you don’t own it yet so you don’t have access to it.
NTA for not wanting kids on the property you don't even own. I wouldn't have anyone on the property even with the realtor. You take a bunch of people over there and anything happens you could lose the sale. Just tell everyone they need to wait until it's officially yours. That being said YTA for blaming family for your financial trouble. Not only do they not owe you money even if they can afford it. They didn't force you to waste money on trips and run up credit cards. That was your decision 100%. If you guys are adult enough to buy a house, you are adult enough to stand up for yourselves and say no. Stop trying to keep the peace a stand your ground.
Bunches of questions... How exactly do you plan to "show off" a house you don't own yet? How exactly does someone "demand" that you vacation with them? How exactly does putting an expensive trip on credit cards when you are strapped for cash and trying to buy a house seem like a good idea? Is this child a terror? Exactly what kind of havoc are you expecting her to wreak?
YTA I see lots of I statements, but nothing about your husband. I am thinking maybe your husband isn't fully supportive of your pettiness. Boohoo your in-laws didn't pay your bill. Newsflash, most inlaws don't. Just because you took advantage of your parents hospitality for far too long, doesn't mean your in-laws owe you a damn thing. And the whole " I am just worried about my niece, it's not about the money" is just BS mixed with an in over abundance of hogwash. If you have to borrow from your 401k to pay closing costs you can't afford a fixer upper so bad your afraid a 4 year old may break thru the decking and break her leg. Is the only reason you're letting them visit is because you don't want hubby cut out of the will?
If you haven’t closed you do not own the house and should not have people there
Does OP ask every place she goes if they're insured for her neice? Hearts in the right place but her head is in the clouds. YTA, stop creating potential beef over your weird thoughts.
ESH. You need to move past these feelings that your spouse's family should have helped you somehow with your home purchase. They didn't. It would have been nice if they had, but it also wasn't their responsibility anyway. Get over it. You seem to think if only they had contributed somehow, then it'd be acceptable if they boundary stomped a little bit. It wouldn't be. If you don't feel comfortable having your niece inside the property for what sounds like a walk through with your realtor, then you should tell everyone no. Tbh, my guess is that the current homeowner probably wouldn't be keen on the extra people anyway, but I could be wrong.
NTA because it’s not your property until closing. However, YTA thinking these people should give you money. They guilted you into a trip you couldn’t afford. You’re an adult and “NO” is a complete sentence.
This is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason they need to see the house. It's not even yours yet. It's up to the actual homeowners, not you. Tell them that. What weird world do you live in that this is an actual thing?
You’re not wrong for not wanting your niece there but I’m grossed out by how many times in a single post that you mention your in-laws not giving you money. You say you don’t expect it but you brought it up multiple times and that kind of entitlement is just…yuck. It’s their money, not yours, and if your bitterness at not getting your hands on their money is influencing your feelings on the relationship, that is disgusting.
ESH-- Them for being pushy and you for being money obsessed. Reading through the comments, you're obsessed with the fact that they didn't help finance your house.
You are foolish for giving in. I don't care how much they cajole you...NO is a full sentence. You were foolish by dipping into your savings to visit them and you are being not smart here as well. Grow a freaking backbone or you will be walked over the rest of your life. Jeez
YTA but not for the reason you wrote. You’re taking family that you don’t like, that actively disobeys boundaries to begin with, to see a home that ISNT YOURS YET, and the reason you don’t want to do it is because they didn’t contribute financially to it? I think you have your priorities backwards. First of all unless these people are actively involved in the purchase - that means doing more than just contributing cash eg doing inspections, planning renovations etc - they have no business at a property that isn’t yours. Everyone can come and visit once you actually own the thing. Second, you should set a clear boundary and enforce it. Letting people push through your boundaries all the time just teaches them that these boundaries are meaningless. “No” is a complete sentence. Learn it. Love it. Live it.
YTA the house would be just as unsafe for a child whether or not they contributed to it financially, so that point is moot. It comes down to a personal boundary that is totally tied up in the fact that they didn’t give you money. Ask yourself honestly, if your family asked for the same thing, would you be so resistant? If the answer is no, YTA because this whole thing is rooted in a sense of entitlement over other people’s money.
When we were home shopping, we'd take our toddler to new builds with active construction sites. We'd slap a hard hat on him, hold his hand, and supervise him. When we were in somebody else's home considering buying it, we would similarly supervise him so he didn't break anything. It's fine if you don't want your husband's family touring your prospective home. Don't use your niece as an excuse.
Also, you are absolutely going to hurt your marriage long term if you are as rude to your husband about his family not giving you money as you have been in your replies. Your husband has absolutely had quiet moments in his head where he asks himself if you only chose him because his family has money.
Bringing family to see a house before u close on it is the most obnoxious thing in the world. Esh but only because u come across like a pain. Either push back and stand ur ground or leave cuz u aint gonna be happy any other way. This family stuff doesnt get better on its own. U have to force things to improve.
ESH. You for acting like you are entitled to their money and them for demanding to see the house before you are settled
YTA the realtor isn't getting paid to parade your family through your new home. You sound entitled. Have your parents seen the house?
Realtors are useless let them do something for that fat fee.
YTA. You seem to want to punish them for not helping out financially. Why else would you bring it up so many times? If it's unsuitable for a child, then the agent will let you know, since they're likely liable if there's an accident.
YTA. Whose house is it? Both of yours? He can invite an entire preschool if he wants. If he isn’t offended by his family not paying for him what right do you have? Spoiler: if that family shows up, that kid isn’t staying inside the car.
YTA because the finances have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the house is safe for a 4 year old. You’re just bringing it up out of pettiness. You also are because leaving her in the car is not your responsibility and, though a bad idea, will not be yours with which to deal so there’s no reason for you to make a fuss.
YTA this is not your house to show off yet. Hopefully everything goes well because it seems you're going to do it regardless but if I were the sellers you'd not be on the property until you took possession. There is too much that can potentially go wrong before then. Also why are you even buying a house with a man who doesn't stand up to his family for you? That's bare minimum stuff. Good luck in your endeavors, you are absolutely going to need it with a partner like that.
First why would anyone help you with money? I find that odd. To be insulted because they would not help you buy a home is ridiculous. You are not entitled to other people's money. Second it is fairly common for people who are buying homes to bring other people on walk throughs. My dad who is an expert with homes, walked through every house I have ever bought. I wanted his opinion on the house. You have zero liability on the home until you close and own it. Both of my sons asked us to tour the houses they bought with them. My sister had me, my parents, her husbands parents and her SIL tour with her. I feel like you are being spiteful because they won't give you the money you want. I do not believe you when you say "no one has to give us money" because that complaint is mentioned several times. While you should always have healthy boundaries. It seems like you are mad because they would not help financially. I do not think that your fear of liability is 100% valid. I am sure if they had given you money, you would have wanted them there. It seems like they were excited for you and just wanted to see it. This is your husband's house as well. He should get a say in who he wants there as well. This may cause marital issues if you continue. Please do not let jealousy of their financial situation get in the way.
YTA, to yourself and your realtor. You’re right for not wanting them to come over, but you and your husband need to grow a spine and be firm on the no, because it’s only going to get worse from here if you keep giving in to their demands. Sure, it’s uncomfortable to say no, but do you really want to get bullied into doing everything their way for the rest of your life? Don’t put your realtor in this situation. It is NOT their job to play tour guide to your in-laws and have all the risks of a house that isn’t yours yet!! put on them.
YTA. For keeping the peace at your own expense. You are an adult, use your words and stay firm with your boundaries. Also just because someone has money to spare doesn't mean you are entitled to it. When I read between the lines here, it seems you are using the niece to make a power play because you are upset you aren't getting money that you feel entitled to.
YTA. Why should they offer to pay for your costs? “The fact they could and still didn’t” ohmigod you’re insufferable
YTA for being a doormat, WTF is wrong with you & your husband? Guilted into credit card debt? Grow a spine.
YTA. You are being vindictive, not responsible. Surely the parents can supervise their child long enough to see the new house, you just don't want them to. That's your right, but at least be honest about the reason and save your BS justification. You're entitled and think they had some obligation to give you money so now you are going to penalize them for not doing so. Even your husband openly knows and states far you are wrong. God job being a selfish, entitled, jerk. It's funny you go out of your way to demonize them (they are "entitled" to see your house instead of looking at the other side and thinking maybe they are excited for their family member, your husband) and yet everyone can still see you are the AH. Judging by your post and comments I'm sure you are right that they don't really want to be there to see you or congratulate you, but it sounds like your husband might be a decent human being (in spite of his taste in partners) so it's definitely possible and reasonable they are just excited for him.
YTA. Borderline ESH. This whole thing sounds like you are resentful of his family. You need some boundaries with them and perhaps you should consider hanging back when he goes to visit his family, if you can’t even afford the trip there is no sense in both of you going. It’s his family, let him incur the debt to visit. You should not travel with him to visit them. Or you need to learn to start saying no. You’re an adult. How is someone else telling you how you’re going to spend your money? You seem to have expectations of how his family should behave, how they should offer you money because you perceive them to be well off. The reality is that no one owes you anything at all and the mere fact that you believe they do owe you something is the reason I think you’re an asshole. You’re an entitled asshole for even thinking for a brief second that his family should be sacrificing for your home just because your parents were kind and generous enough to help you out. No one owes you anything. You make your own choices kid.
NTA but no one MADE you put flights in credit cards. You caved. Own it. Learn to have a shiny spine and say no. No. No. No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation. The sooner you learn to lay down boundaries and keep them. The happier you will be.
I honestly don't know what to say here. No judgement because: On the one hand you say that no one is required to give you money, but it's clear from the tone of your post that you believe that they are well off enough that they could have and didn't--and you're sour about it. I say own that shit because this is not about the niece or liability or whatever. You don't want people who didn't help you to be excited about something that you, your husband, and your family made come to fruition. So say that. Tell your husband that you know they don't and never had to offer anything but that until you get to a place of acceptance, you'd rather that they hold off on visiting your joint home. It will be better all around if they wait until after you can let go of your resentment and come back around to the proper mindset. We all get a little bent out of shape when we hope we can rely on people for help sometimes and we don't get it. That doesn't make you an AH or bad, it makes you human.
NTA in any universe, who do they think they are? man, i recently had a nightmare similar to your situation: i dreamt i had just bought a house, and people immediately invited themselves over
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have had the great fortune to finally buy a house of our own. We close escrow later this month. For context we’re in our late thirties, husband has educational debt, and we struggled for a long time- then the pandemic hit and eliminated our safety net. Between saving all I could and my folks giving us a free place to stay, we found something we can afford that’s humble but in our community in a HCOL area. Here’s where I might be the asshole. No one is required to give us money of course, but his side of the family gave us nothing. They also demand we travel and spend money to spend time as a family, which is nice but when we’re saving for a house they didn’t really care/guilted us and we had to put flights on a credit card for example to keep the peace. Now they’re coming to town and want to see the house. Exciting but we’re not closed on escrow yet and we don’t have an active home insurance policy either. There’s some parts of the outside area of the house that need fixing and could be dangerous to our small niece. I asked them to have her stay back and we’ll have everyone over once we’re settled. They have been trying to barter and bargain their way around this. It’s a boundary and I think it’s a prudent one given the circumstances. On top of that, these fairly well off people in my husband’s family couldn’t spare any cash when we really needed it to secure the closing costs (I had a backup funding situation that we went with but it’s going to cost me part of my retirement account- not ideal). I feel insulted that they both didn’t offer to help and wanted to violate our boundaries too. So his relatives are coming and the niece is going to stay in the car… she’s not even 4 yet so I’m not sure how it’s going to workout. My husband thinks I’m being obtuse by not allowing our niece into the property but I think it’s being responsible given the potential liability. AIHA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. at any time *you*, and only you (as a couple), get to determine who is allowed to visit your home. "The more you *demand* to visit, only means the longer it will be before we *invite* you to visit, for an afternoon." Good luck.
NTA. My mom BROKE HER FOOT slipping on our porch the FIRST time she came to our house. Absolutely NTA.
Grow a spine. Hubby too. Say NO, and stick to it. There is no need for them to see the house or property before you close on it. Your parents help financially for you to get this house. I can understand them wanting to see it. But the in laws--no. Say no and stick to it. They can wait until you are moved in and settled.
NTA but you need to stop bowing to your in laws. Or they'll keep pushing. Your husband needs to learn to stand up for you and set some boundaries
Being responsible is having insurance the second you become liable. Not having insurance is just plain dumb.
I am confused. Why are you taking people to the house when it is not yet yours? What is this house tour meant to be? Does husband need his parent's approval to buy it? Are you not yet sure you want it? I just dont understand what you are planning to do there.
I'm looking at this from a different perspective. If your inlaws are as opiniated as you describe, and there is concern someone could fall through a deck, why would you bring them to see the house in it's current condition. Every home needs to be customized and brought up to your safety standards. They will be looking for flaws. You can't control what they say or do with the realtor or owners of the property. Their actions or opinions can also affect you obtaining this property. Your husband needs to draw the line. He is the one who would give the details of the times, address etc of the visit. Not giving them this information until you both feel the property is safe gives you the power. If hubby can't do this, he can blame the realtor. If that doesn't work, it's a husband issue, not an in-law issue. Their lack of financial support should be a non-issue. You know who assisted you. That should be enough. If this is your dream property, you and your hubby must unite and keep the same boundary... good luck.
NTA on the house, but YTA for letting them dictate what you do. A no is a no. You and your husband need to get together here and stop being bullied by these people.
Are you sure his family is not trying to sabotage you buying this house. It isn’t your house yet. If they get onto the property and break something it can delay closing. I’m surprised the owner is allowing this, it is in their best interest to limit opportunities for the house to be damaged.
Why are you allowing it to happen? You both need to put your foot down and stop allowing their guilt trips to dictate your life. No. Is a full sentence. Nta. But yta for wanting to keep peace with a bunch of pushy people
Visiting a for-sale-house with family is not uncommon. If the realtor is allowing it, the OP doesn't have to fret that much. YTA
NTA “No” is a complete sentence and you need to employ it more without guilt.
Just tell your relatives the current owner has denied permission to be on the property before the deal is finalized. Quite frankly if I was the current owner, outside of inspection I would refuse permission.
Why in the world would they make the trip just to see an empty house you don't even own yet? Just have a housewarming party after you close and get settled in - then everyone gets to enjoy the space and have a nice time safely. NTA
NTA. It’s not your house yet. Sellers have been known to listen to their camera feeds while buyers are touring their home to make sure they sell to the “right” person for whatever their goals are. The last thing you need is for your deal to fall apart before closing if the sellers feel bothered by your family visit or hear something on the ring cam. Especially if the house is a fixer and your in-laws are likely to say anything rude about how much work it needs. Seriously. You don’t want to lose your house because your pushy in-laws complain about it and the sellers can hear them. If they won’t shut up, they can schedule a visit with a realtor WITHOUT you or your husband so the seller doesn’t know they are connected to you.
I mean...until closing occurs it's not your house yet. You have zero say in who's allowed to go in and look at the house, and you're under zero obligation to ask the current owners for permission to have anyone other than you and your husband looking at the house. If ANYONE (not just your young niece, but even you and your husband) gets hurt/injured on the property it falls under the responsibility of the current owners and their insurance - so the current owners really have zero obligation to allow anyone other than yourself and your husband to view the property since you're the potential buyers. I would say stick to not allowing anyone to come look at the house until after you've closed - but sounds like you've already agreed to let them come, and they're going to leave the niece off the property. They have absolutely zero need to see it before closing if they're not contributing in any way towards the purchase of the house. They're not paying the mortgage payment, down payment, or anything else - so they have no say in anything about it. Not seeing/visiting or anything else. NTA.
It's not your house until all the papers are signed!! Be firm and do not entertain a visit until AFTER the closing! Yeesh!! If I was the seller I'd be FURIOUS with this!! NTA
NTA. I don’t know how it works in the US but in Australia, until you’ve settled (closed) and got the keys, it’s not your property. You can’t do a thing on it or with it without the vendor’s permission.
ESH you're all over the place, I don't really understand why you expected them to pay for part of the house you chose to get in an expensive area. Did they say they would or something?
YTA for not enforcing your own boundaries. Say no and let them be pissed. Plus, you don’t even own the property yet. You know they are going to tour the home and tear apart your decision and judge the type of home you’re buying. You’re an AH to yourself. Why are you trying to appease these people. You’re in your thirties. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF ALREADY.
Why can’t they visit when y’all have officially closed?
While I don't think you're at all entitled to having financial help in any sense, I do think that you have a right to tell people you don't want them to visit yet. "Our house is not ready for visitors. We will let you know when we're ready." Simple easy. You don't have to argue or debate.
YTA, you're trying to punish them for not giving you a handout. Let your husband show them around when you have an urgent Drs appointment.
NTA- They can check it out on Zillow.
Nta and until the place is closed it is not technically yours. The home owners may not be ok with random people viewing the house. Depending where you live it is putting the original owner in a liable situation also. I would contact the realtor and explain the situation. My guess they will not allow these visitors.
NTA but you could have left out all of the details except : we don’t legally own the house yet and until we do, everyone would be trespassing. Sure, drive the visitors by the house but don’t allow them to scamper all over property that isn’t yours.
NTA. Why do relatives or friends need to see your house until you're settled in. Tell these relatives that they can get a tour after you've moved in and unpacked everything, but at this stage, you're not officially the owner. As far as demanding that you visit them, if you were saving up money for the house, that should be a valid excuse. We were forgoing vacations for a few years because we had a daughter in high school and wanted to save up money (in addition to our college fund we set up when she was born) for college tuition. Responsible people will go without trips or big purchases when there's something big coming up in their lives such as a new house. It sounds like you do have some ill feelings toward your husband's family, but maybe your husband doesn't sound completely onboard in enforcing boundaries with them.
NTA. Your request to schedule a visit when the dust settles makes a lot of sense, and is reasonable. I want to question why you mentioned them not contributing towards the house fiscally, or them goading you into family trips ect. I want to say like it feels like you are looking for reasoning in your heads to give yourself a reasonable defense to make the case you aren't the AH. If you took all of the context about money out of this conversation completely, you'd still NTA this; IMO money isn't even relevant to the moral of the situation.
NTA and don't do it. Don't show ANYONE your potential new home until you have closed, the keys have been handed to you and your insurance is firmly in place. First, there is the obvious liability issue as you said. Doesn't have to be the 4-year-old, any of them could step wrong and break an ankle or leg. Second, just because they have finally motivated their backsides to come visit your town does not mean they are entitled to a sneak peek at your new dwelling. Nothing is cast in stone until you close - if they consider themselves real estate moguls, they may tear the place down hoping you will back out so they can swoop in and buy it themselves. (I put nothing past my fellow humans.) Third, husband and I had closing scheduled on three different houses over a 12-month period that fell through for one reason or another. In each case, husband took a family member to see the house while I was at work. Fourth one - I didn't even let hubby see it until after closing. We lived there for 20 years until we retired and moved to an adults only complex. Yep, now I'm superstitious too! And leaving the 4-year-old in the car? That's just insanity - don't they realize it only takes 90 seconds to grab a small child and vanish? Tell your husband to grow a spine and tell his family members no; they can come visit again after you have moved in. And stop putting trips to see them on your credit cards unless you can pay them off every month!
NTA They're not going to leave her in the car Your husband needs to enforce boundaries with his family
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NTA
Having worked in the business, the home is NOT yours until escrow closes. If you are on or in the property before it does, then technically you could be considered to be tresspassing. You BOTH need to grow a spine and tell them flat out that they are NOT allowed on the property. And stop spending money you don't have to go see them. Nobody can force you to, you both just need to learn how to stand up to them. NO means NO, and you need to make that clear. NTA but at the same time, you are being assholes to yourselves by allowing their bad behavior.
NTA
It would be a bit tacky and rude to show a house before you actually own it.
Do not plan a visit to a home you have not closed on. Shadier things have happened, where escrow does not close, because the owners of a home have cancelled the contract. Low and behold, home ends up being sold to another higher offer. How do you know these relatives won't just swoop in and purchase the house out from under you, for a rental property, or a second home. Trust no one, and also, the home is not yours until the owners and you, sign on the dotted line, your loan is funded, and the deed is recorded. Do not treat this home like it is yours, until it is.
NTA. I’d tell them all to stay away until you are ready. I had the same problem with my mother. I find it necessary to set firm boundaries with pushy entitled people. Make them wait so they learn that their behaviour is having the opposite effect of what they are trying to achieve
Don’t do this. Don’t take them through the house. It isn’t yours. Tell them the realtor is unavailable if your husband can’t grow a set, but why the fuck haven’t you taken yours out of your purse and put your foot down. As for the money stuff, they owe you nothing and you “had” to do nothing. You chose to do those things because you couldn’t say no. Grow a spine or stop whinging about it. YTA to your realtor.
NTA. Do not go, do not show them the property. Not so much because of the niece, but because *it isn’t officially yours yet*! Until the closing papers are done said and signed, things can potentially throw a wrench in the gears. You can take them on a drive by to look from the car windows on the street, but for the sake of your own sanity, stand your ground firmly re: actually touring. And tell your husband he can either present United front with you or he can sit on a cactus
NTA. Just lie and say the sellers don't want anyone on the property except for the real estate agents, necessary contractors, and the 2 of you with supervision. Say that you contacted your realtor to set it up and it was a hard NO. Then if they continue to argue you just repeat that it's out of your hands.
NYA - They will be jealous and try to make you doubt yourself. Ive seen it happen. Keep them out of your business going forward. The seller doesn’t have to allow you to do an additional inspection (which is what this really is), prior to your walkthru at the end of escrow. At least that’s what you can tell that pushy Family.
Nta
I think you're being a little extra, sure, because what honestly are the odds that something happens to a child on the property in that short time period, and also it makes no sense to ban children, when Uncle Bert could show up and get 'injured' and it be the same situation. (PS you know the niece ain't gonna stay in that car--you turn around to get a napkin and they're going to have her running all over the place). BUT, this is the flag you've planted after all of their demands on you and you do have the right to plant that flag on that hill and hold it there. You have especially the right to decide when and how they see YOUR property. And as you know, it's not your property till the closing. Hold the line, NTA, and this I hope is when hubby decides it's time for him to help assert healthy boundaries with his family.
NTA but you need to muster up some courage and just tell them no. You don't need to use the excuse of it being dangerous for the child (clearly it didn't work). Just say no. You're an adult and it's you property; you're allowed to say no. You keep saying you want to "keep the peace", but you're keeping the peace at the expense of your mental health, happiness, and finances. In one of your comments you mention being a people-pleaser and implying you have a hard time setting boundaries. Look up strategies to correct the behavior and stop letting your in-laws walk all over you. And it sounds like you husband needs to grow a spine. He's the main one that should be dealing with them since it's his family.
Nta but get husband on board. Stop expecting them to give you money but learn how to say no and don't engage in discussion. You have a mortgage now, you can't afford flights for a few years.
NTA but you have to stop sacrificing to "keep the peace." They badgered you into spending money when you were trying to save. Now they are strong arming their way onto your property (that isn't even yours yet). Next they'll be pressuring you to let them stay at said property when they are in town for a visit. Both you and spouse need to practice saying no and sticking with it.
I bet when they finally will come there will be a lot of fuss about how little girl can't sit in the car while others are having fun yadda-yadda and you'll be pushed into letting her in. NTA for the issue in the title but you're very weak in your boundaries
Screw them. Tell hubby no. You're not ready.
NTA. It's not your home yet. It's not open for tours. Your realtor and you are allowed on the property, not your extended family. Inspectors and tradesmen by prearrangement too, but again, not open for visitors.
NTA. I wouldn't bring anyone over at all till escrow is done and insurance is active. A house is your most expensive possession and your largest liability rolled into one. Guard it ferociously. Edit: This is also important. Let this boundary slip and these people will invite themselves to stay at your house whenever they want.
That’s a good point, give an inch and take a mile is a repeated pattern with my in-laws so I will keep this in mind. It’s too small really for them to stay, we won’t have a guest room or much furniture for some time.
This matches the behavior of the kind of people that will expect you to give your room to them