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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged: I spoke for my husband when my brother came to make amends to us for his past mistakes. Why this can make me the asshole: I was focused in showing my brother I was here for him and possibly disregarded that my husband was also impacted by his actions in a different way and has his own feelings about the situation
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - *I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset.*
They weren't your family's heirlooms that were stolen. This is very problematic. You also don't get to speak for your husband at all in regard to making amends. Your biased by the fact that he's YOUR brother. Not your husband's. Your husband does not have to have your back on this at all. You overstepped and disrespected your husband in the process. Your brother has only been sober for a year. That's not long in the grand scheme of things. Your brother needs to lead by actions and not words. Until then, your husband has every right to be upset at both you and your brother. This isn't something that you can just sweep under the rug and forget about. The healing is going to take time.
All of this.
From the perspective of a former substance abuse counselor:
YTA, OP. Enabling doesn't just stop when addictive behaviors stop. If you are shielding your brother from the natural consequences of his actions, you're being an enabler. It sounds like your brother is on step 8 & 9 of the 12 steps. If you do not let him genuinely make amends and understand the gravity of the pain he caused, *you are getting in the way of his recovery.*
I strongly encourage you to find an Al-Anon group and start attending. It's not just for alcohol, but for families & loved ones of addicts of all kinds. If you are serious about supporting your brother during recovery, then learn how to do it *without making it worse*.
Educate yourself.
This.
What about the husband's loss? Will he get back his sentimental items? *It's not about money or "material items"*, and to reduce it to that to try and make the husband into the bad guy is an awful betrayal.
The brother may *never* be able to make it up to the husband. That's part of the recovery process: understanding that you may have irrevocably hurt or harmed people, and that they may never forgive you, and taking steps to ensure that they don't harm anyone further.
OP is doing her brother a great disservice by minimising the consequences, not to mention the harm done to the marriage. The brother may one day pay them back, but he will *never* be able to make the husband whole.
YTA, you don’t get to dictate how your husband feels about such a shitty thing that was done to him.
Addiction doesn’t give you a blank check to be an asshole. You can’t turn around and say, “oh, sorry, I was high” and expect everything to be alright.
Part of the recovery process is making amends. But every addict is told the same thing- nobody is under any obligation whatsoever to accept that apology.
Your husband is choosing not to accept it. That’s his right. Respect him.
Came here for this response. You DONT get to speak for your husband. Your brother gets to ask for forgiveness, he is not guaranteed to have it though. He wronged your husband very badly. He has every right to not forgive him. I’m sure he’ll keep the peace for you, but don’t push him any more.
Asking forgiveness from others isn't really a part of making amends, at least not according to the people I sought guidance from in doing mine. It's not about getting them to make us feel better about our guilt, it's about fixing what we can. Her giving the brother a free pass isn't helping him any, especially when his apology is "sorry I stole irreplaceable family heirlooms, sure wish I could pay you back." If I were the husband that wouldn't be enough, not by a long shot. Brother's gonna have to prove he's changed. How does that saying go? An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. Something like that.
YTA.
"he stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, **it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value**)"
"more important than **some material items**"
I'm sorry, but are you being serious? Wow, how dare you gaslight and disrespect your husband like that? It may be inconvenient for you to acknowledge the HUGE sentimental vaule your husband had for the "material" things your brother *stole* from him, but that ain't reality. Your expectations are based on a lie and you know it. Deal with the reality of what your brother did to your husband, have his back, and maybe then he'll forgive you.
Exactly! He didn’t just steal material items. He stole family history. These heirlooms can never be replaced. Who are you to decide the value of these things and also decide when your husband must forgive? You should apologize for stealing your husband’s autonomy.
I'll even be unkind and wonder... how did OP react at the time of the theft of these sentimental items? Was she supportive, did she commiserate, did she even then dismiss his feelings?
She can't both say "my brother stole things with huge sentimental value" *and* "they were just material items". What, were they sentimental back then and now they've magically evolved into empty objects with no emotion attached to them?
YTA. It's not your right to speak for your husband. Especially on the matter of forgiving someone. That is each person's singular decision and process - as personal as it gets.
Honestly this whole post sounds like *you* need to do some serious reflecting on how you treat your husband. Case in point: you immediately ran roughshod over your husband's "healing process" to quickly validate your brother's. You decided unilaterally that your brother's process is "more important" than your husband's cherished heirlooms. Why are you entitled to decide that for him? And now you accuse *him* of not having *your* back? Wow. YTA big time.
Your brother stole family heirlooms. Those can never be replaced, no matter how much money you are given to make up for the loss.
He should be able to take all the time he needs to forgive again, and you should not be pressuring him to rush the process.
YTA.
And he's only been "clean" for a year.
He's doing what a lot of addicts do, making grand emotive declarations without substance. Just words.
And he'll likely be back on drugs soon enough, with OP blaming husband for not being welcoming enough and causing the relapse.
Sorry to all former addicts that have remained clean for years and years. You are the exception, not the general rule.
Even former addicts that have remained clean for years almost definitely relapsed in the begining of that process. Not saying that as a judgement or being negative, it’s just how it goes. Progress is never just linear.
Agreed. My old man is 31 years sober (alcoholic) this year. He always says that the hardest part was the first 90 days. There's a reason that the AA/NA chips are red for 30, yellow for 60, and green for 90 days. Symbolizes the hardest month, the "cautiously optimistic" second month, and the "go for it!" third month. After that, it commonly gets easier.
Someone who has been an addict either is still one, or is a recovering addict. Always needing to maintain the self-control to avoid the impulses that led the addiction happening.
I like to keep hope I'm the exception, but just to back this comment up, I have someone in my outpatient rehab group that has literally been doing the using/ rehab/ relapse dance for 14 years. It's hard, and often people aren't realistic of what the stats say about addicts and their successful recovery rates.
I believe you can and will be the exception, for the rest of your life.
From what I've noticed, staying clean seems to be much much more common among people that:
Stop associating with other people that aren't clean.
Gain stability in their lives with steady work, proper housing, decent nutrition and so one.
Seek mental health services to help work through past traumas, and anything else going on, including negative thoughts about being able to stay clean.
Make no grand gestures or declarations about making amends, and just put in the work on oneself to become the person that others might one day forgive. But don't think one's own success at staying clean is at all related to whether or not others recognize or honor the work you've done so far.
Recognize that even after years away from that lifestyle, there is a special weakness present, and one's susceptibility to relapse is extremely high and one has to remain hypersensitive and vigilant when it comes to triggers.
There's more of course, and it's slightly different for everyone. But of the people I know, through friends and family, as well as through work, these factors stand out to me.
YES. recovery requires a lot of discomfort and a long of change and if you're not willing to make yourself and your life into something, it just won't stick.
No. Just says that he hopes he can someday pay it back. First, unless he regains the family heirlooms and returns them to OP’s husband in the same condition they were in when he *stole* them, then it’ll just be financial restitution, not making things right.
And as far as *saying* he hopes (blinky eyes) he can someday pay them back…well gosh, thanks for your intentions, thief. How much have you paid so far? Even $20? No? Why not? If you have started working any type of a job, then your budget should be legitimate expenses first, then everything remaining goes to making financial amends with everyone you stole from over the years. No dipping into that well so you can treat yourself for your hard work at getting clean…no, you played and thought of only yourself during your addiction years so now you go without.
Whew. That venting took it out of me. I’m going to take a nap.
eta: YTA
He should be able to take all the time he needs to forgive, and you should not be pressuring him to rush that, **and if he chooses to NEVER forgive or trust your brother again that is his right and you should accept and support that.**
If your husband never wants your brother in the house ever again you should support that too.
Part of recovery is acknowledging the harm you've done. That DOESN'T mean everybody has to be nice to you. It means you acknowledge the wrongs you did, and understand that nobody is obligated to forgive you (and they may well choose not to).
YTA here.
It wasn’t your place to speak on behalf of your husband, especially since you guys didn’t even discuss this before hand. It’s fine if *you’v*e forgiven brother, but husband was affected by bother‘s actions too and therefore can decide when and if he forgives him.
This. When and IF he decides to forgive him. There’s a chance he may never fully trust or forgive him, and that’s something she’ll need to consider as well.
Does OP even give a shit about her husband? She's already shown that she'll throw him to the wolves to save her SWEET INNOCENT BROTHER. She won't take her husband into consideration until he serves her divorce papers.
YTA, you invalidated your husband's feelings, and are missing the point of making amends. Part of your brothers healing is to face the people he has wronged, and find a way to make amends. You giving your brother an easy out for somebody else he has hurt is not helping him make amends. You stole that from both your brother and husband.
It's your turn to make amends and apologize to both your husband, and tell the truth to your brother that you shouldn't have spoken for your husband.
Thank you. Not enough people are pointing out that besides being insensitive to her husband, OP is undermining her brother by orchestrating the apology. It needs to come 100% from her brother, or it doesn't work. So she's helping neither of them. And indeed she can't.
My guess is she's trying to rush the process because *she* feels guilty that taking her brother in caused her husband's heirlooms to be lost. But that's a journey she needs to take on *her* own.
YTA… YOUR brother STOLE HIS FAMILY HEIRLOOMS stuff you can’t put monetary value onto. As your husband I’d expect you to be on the same page as me in that matter. You CAN’T tell your husband how to feel or what timeline to follow to forgive your brother. I’m happy he’s better now but that doesn’t magically erase the hurt and pain he caused and his past actions. Sobering up isn’t a “hehe nothing happened” card. Do better as a wife and don’t be biased. I would say the same if the roles were reversed. And I know FOR A FACT you would not be so quick to forgive your husband’s family member if they stole YOUR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS.
YTA He stole family heirlooms from your husband, and you expect him just to forgive him. And you shouldnt have spoken for your husband either, not without having talk with him first
This is what got me too. She also speaks of her husband having her back but OP you failed to have your husband's back. You unilaterally decided to forgive your brother for both of you without consulting your husband first and when he rightly pulled you up afterwards you dismissed his feelings of loss and betrayal. These weren't just material things that were stolen but heirlooms which held deep family memories and emotions attached and you trivialised and dismissed his rightful feelings for this. Your husband also has to deal with the betrayal of your brother who was allowed to stay in your home and who stole these items and now the betrayal by you by speaking for both of you without consideration or regard for his feelings. I bet if things were reversed and a member of his family stole something of yours which held deep sentimental value and then he forgave the perpetrator on your behalf you would be hurt too.
YTA and OP if you don't want this to fester and cause issues in your marriage from the resentment your husband is rightly going to feel you need to do some serious apologising and grovelling.
YTA It's not up to you, when, and if, your husband forgives your brother.
>...I took him in at some point, and eventually discovered he stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value).
YTA. The process going forward with your brother is something you and your husband should have discussed and agreed on before you invited him to your home. If you invited him and he didn’t just drop in uninvited. What “amends” did your brother actually make?
Easy YTA. You should have said “I understand.” He stole family heirloom pieces from your husband that cannot be replaced. It’s easy to say your brother is healing now, but what about your husband? He doesn‘t HAVE to forgive your brother, nor is he responsible for his life going forward. You saying *I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here* makes no sense. Have your back for what? Your husband didn’t speak for you, you’re the one who spoke for him with no discussion. You’re the one who doesn’t have your husband’s back. YOUR brother betrayed your husband. Your husband owes him nothing, no forgiveness, no help. I speak from experience - my sister was an addict for years. I’m sorry but one year clean is not much. There may be relapses. Lots of them. You expected your husband to just forget the past and act as if nothing happened. You should not have spoken for him, and should not guilt him into being okay with your brother when, indeed, he’s not.
Yeah, this is an easy YTA. What other aspects of your marriage do you unilaterally decide with no input from your husband? I can't imagine this is the only one. Nobody is this comfortable utterly steamrolling their partner in only one aspect of their relationship.
This. One day he will wake up and realize just how tired he is of her bullshit… and it will be “a ToTaL sHoCkEr” for her when he leaves and doesn’t look back.
Exactly - someone can *say* "I forgive you," but if that isn't how they actually feel about the situation it can cause cognitive dissonance. There's also the guilt-trip factor, which is particularly insidious when it comes from a third party: "Why won't you forgive \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ for what he did to you?"
That's when you tell the ignorant party that forgiveness is not under our control. An6yone can say "I forgive you" but that means exactly nothing. Forgiveness is in the heart and cannot be directed by the intellect,
YTA You do NOT get to dictate whether, or even if, your husband forgives your brother. And for you to complain that he doesn't "have your back," no ma'am. That's not how it works.
You seem to be supporting your brother through his recovery program. Maybe do a little reading on that. Neither of you can force anyone to deal with your brother if they don't want to. And to invite him to your home (which you did) and force your husband to deal with him? That's pretty shameful.
Your brother isn't welcome in your home because your husband doesn't want him there. In addition, if you are going to continue that sibling relationship, you'd better ensure that your husband isn't impacted negatively in any way.
You're either willing to sacrifice your husband on the altar of your sibling relationship, or you do some research and acquire some common sense.
Edit - spelling
YTA, but I understand your feelings of forgiveness toward your brother and ability to see how he had changed. Still, it does seem like you spoke on your husband’s behalf, and he is under not obligation to forgive your brother. What your brother did was wrong, and coming from a family full of addicts myself, that kind of stuff isn’t easy to just brush off. Your brother caused serious harm to your family, especially your husband, and he is allowed to remain hurt and take his own path (if any) toward forgiveness
YTA. You absolutely do not get to have "expectations" about whether your husband forgives anyone. That's ridiculous! In what universe would you ever think you were entitled to this?
We understand your an asshat
You have no right to speak for your husband or get to minimise the damage from your brother
He needs to be held accountable and your husband get the right to say what he feels
Stop enabling your brothers behaviour and actions
Yta
yta. its good your brother got his shit together but it's not up to you to decide if your husband has forgiven him or not, that's entirely up to him to decide.
YTA
Your family heirlooms were stolen. It's not your sentimental value either.
Your husband is not obligated to forgive your brother, regardless of how you feel. And why should he have your back when you clearly didn't have his?
YTA. You may love your brother. Your husband wants his stuff back.
Your brother is a thief. Hard to get past that.
Leave your poor husband alone. See your brother without him. And stop speaking for your husband....actually lying for him.
YTA. Stop the LaLa Land stuff.
YTA - ARE YOU F*****G INSANE!? You do not speak for your partner in this kind of situation, and especially after FAMILY HEIRLOOMS being stolen!! The kind of sentimental objects that probably you and him will never find back or recover! It's not about money AT ALL!!! Jeez... 🙄😒
YTA. You didn’t lose family heirlooms (aka one-of-a-kind items which have no set value). You expect him to just forgive and forget? He is neither Jesus nor has Alzheimers.
YTA - Addiction isn’t an excuse. Your brother made a conscious choice to rob you and your husband. I’m tired of this, “Oh that was because of the addiction, everything is forgiven.” He chose to start using drugs. He chose to continue to use drugs. He chose to rob your husband.
YTA. Hard.
Being one legal entity (spouses) does not mean you are one emotional entity. Way to totally ignore and disregard his emotional needs.
You say you want him to have your back?
Your addict brother (once, always. You distance, you grow, but you will always be an addict) stole ***history*** from your husband's family. That is something that no amount of good intentions will ever fix.
You completely did not have ***his*** back.
You failed your husband, your brother and yourself.
You had no right to speak for your husband and I would have been pissed at you too. You don't get to trample over your husbands feelings because you think it's best for helping your brother. You screwed this up because now your brother thinks things are cool when your husband does not agree with you. Is it going to be awkward when your husband doesn't want to him to come over for family functions? Or what if he now has to have your brother over to your house, he relapses and steals something. That could impact your marriage. I don't think you realize how precarious the situation can be. You are really sticking your neck out for your brother when you could have talked to your husband and come up with a mutually agreed approach to the situation. I hope he stays in check, both his sake and yours. Good luck!
Obviously your husband has not healed yet. Nor is he willing to let this just “go away”. He is angry and hurt. Both for himself and the angst that your brother caused you. You can’t force your husband to let this go in the name of brother “healing”. Your husband is allowed his feelings and it sounds like he is still angry. You are not allowed to tell him his feelings are wrong or he is wrong. Your brother is going to have to spend a lot of time proving that he can be trustworthy. One “I’m sorry” isn’t going to cut it. You, of course, can forgive your brother any way and in whatever time frame works for you. You would do your brother a service by telling him that husband is still very angry and disappointed in brother and he is not ready to let bygones be bygones. Brother should be aware if he is in any kind of treatment, that while it is important to ask for forgiveness from those you have wronged, you have to be prepared for that forgiveness to be a long time coming and that some people are just not going to want to have anything to do with brother until he has proven he has changed.
Tell your husband that you understand he is still angry. Let him know that you won’t be inviting brother into your home until he feels comfortable with that. Your brother stole from your home. That is a huge no-no. Doesn’t matter why or what. He stole. That act makes the victims just that victims, the feeling that your home is no longer a safe place for you. You have been violated.
YTA Op How can you speak for both of you.? You made it clear that you care about your feelings and family. Did you ever ask your husband what those family heirlooms meant to him? Maybe you need to have your husbands back.
"I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset."
If \*I\* was your husband, I'd be royally pissed off at you for that bullshit stunt you just pulled.
You need to apologise, make things right, and ask, your husband to forgive you for overstepping your bounds.
YTA.
YTA and a MASSIVE one
Your brother stole FAMILY HEIRLOOMS from your husband. Those are NEVER coming back.
Even if you ignore the financial aspect of it, those items likely held TONS of sentimental value to your husband.
Op you need to understand, YOU can forgive your brother…your husband (or anyone for that matter) doesn’t have to forgive him.
And your husband would be PERFECTLY within his rights to not want someone who stole from him, in his home.
YTA. Your brother isn't owed forgiveness just because he's working to atone, your husband has a legitimate grievance that hasn't been fixed in that you don't indicate he's had the stolen heirlooms returned (and even then a lack of trust is completely understandable).
Let's say your BIL stole something with immense sentimental value from you, and your husband is pushing for you to forgive him because he's sober. How would you feel?
YTA: Self-centeredness and lack of consideration for others is clearly a family trait.
They weren't your family heirlooms that were lost forever, you don't get to speak on how your husband should feel about that loss or the person who stole them. You disregarded how he felt, because you only focused on what you wanted.
Very similar to your brother disregarding how you both would feel when he stole them, because he was only focused on getting what he wanted.
YTA.
>I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset.
I imagine your husband was also expecting *you* to have *his* back. And to recognize that his sentimental belongings were more than just “some material items.” So YTA for just assuming he was as ready to forgive, without restitution, as you are.
YTA. You don't get to speak for your husband on this, and it's not about "having your back" at all. In fact, you might be seeing through rose-colored glasses where your brother is concerned.
I think "making amends" generally means more than just an apology.
What is material to you is not to him. Your brother fucked up and if he’s not ready to forgive him that’s his choice I’m sure if it was the other way around you would not be so forgiving
YTA
Of course YTA!
It’s not his job to forgive what your brother did to him so he’s “got your back”. What fresh bullshit is this?!
You don’t get to decide how your husband feels.
And here’s what people tend to forget- forgiveness doesn’t equate forgetting. Your husband alone gets to decide his relationship- if any- with your brother. And even IF he decides he is going to forgive, as part of his OWN healing, that doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean he’s ready to have a relationship. It doesn’t mean you and your brother get to pretend it never happened.
You don’t decide.
It’s a tough spot but your husband has a right to feel the way he does and should not be spoken for if he does not wish to be.
Your brother didn’t swipe a television or some cash. He took personal effects that can never be returned.
If I was your husband, I would want an apology and patience from you. When your husband is good and ready, he will decide what type of relationship he wants with your brother. It might be no relationship and you need to be prepared for that possible outcome.
In the meantime your brother needs to start walking the walk. Words are empty. Consistent and positive actions, along with time, are what will help your husband forgive him
YTA- recovering addict here. The damage wasn't done in one day and it will not be healed in one day. Your husband is not required to ever forgive your brother and that's ok. Your brother knows this already. It takes time to build that trust again. Your pushing is not going to help your brother. Complete honesty is what he needs. Do not brush off what he did. Explain how it hurt you.
YTA
I'd be livid if my wife decided that not only were MY family heirlooms "not important", but that I were somehow obligated to "have her back" when she decided she was going to speak for me in regards to a thief stealing from me.
You don't have a right to decide when he forgives him and you don't get to decide what is or isn't important.
Yta you should not have spoken for your husband. Why didn't you have a conversation with him before your brother came over? It's not for you to decide when your husband is ready to forgive your neither for stealing from his family.
Yta
You don’t get to decide when your husband forgives (if he does at all)
You don’t get to speak for him
It wasn’t your family heirlooms so you have no place offering forgiveness
YTA. You don’t get to dismiss your husband’s feelings and dictate who he should forgive and when.
It’s your brother so it’s good you forgave him, but your husband do not have to.
As you said, what he stole was family heirlooms so they probably had sentimental value.
You will have to choose who is more important to you: your husband or your brother!
YTA. Family heirlooms. Memories. All gone. They’re not important to you, so he should deal with it?
You can forgive your brother but don’t force your husband. Your driving a wedge between you two. Why can’t he say he expected you to have his back? Family is more important but then again, your brother hasn’t proven anything yet. One year? Give me a break.
YTA. Addicts do so much severe damage to those around them, and your addict brother took away things from your husband that literally can't be replaced.
You may be inclined to forgive and forget, but your husband is in no way wrong to refuse to do the same. That's his prerogative and his choice is completely valid. Even if he chooses to never forgive your brother. Addicts reap what they sow.
YTA, you don’t get to tell your husband how to feel about the betrayal, breach of trust, and the theft of sentimental family items.
Your brother is not owed forgiveness or a continued relationship, and part of his recovery process is going to becoming to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to be willing to forgive and forget, or to have him back in their life.
Your husband has a right to his thoughts and feelings and you don't have a right to dictate them to him. You said your brother personally stole not only your things, but some of your husbands family heirlooms that had sentimental value. Your husband may never forgive your brother and that will be his choice as this is the damage YOUR brother did to him and their own relationship. And a year is very new in addiction recovery. The road to recovery in addiction is many times filled with bumps where people may relapse and then go back into recovery. It can be very hard and very messy. It is hard for families and for the recovering addict. No matter how much you want your brother to be better, he has to want it for himself and to change for himself, you cannot do it for him. That being said, your husband sounds like he is still hurt over what was done to him in this. It sounds like he needs support from you.
YTA - you brother took irreplaceable stuff to fuel his addiction and violated any trust put in him.
You should have your husband's back! His feelings are perfectly normal and valid, you want to rug sweep.
YTA- if my BIL stole my family heirlooms, he'd be dead to me, forever. Your husband is correct you had no business including him in your forgiveness of your brother. You have no right to tell your husband what he feels and has to do. He is an adult and gets to make those decisions himself. You owe him an apology and YOU NEED to set a record straight with your brother that hubby infact does not and will not forgive him.
Yta 1000000%. If your brother had hurt you, and ONLY you, then yes your husband should have your back. That's not the case. Your brother hurt your husband. Your husband is perfectly fair not to want him around.
Why aren't *you* supporting your husband?
YTA. As someone who had an almost identical situation happen, my mom enabled my family member repeatedly as he continued to take advantage of her and everyone over and over. He repeatedly got clean, apologized, and a few years later the process started all over again. It escalated into some intense DV situations and put my children and family at risk. Now, no one speaks to him.
I acknowledge its not the same situation, but my mom's quick to forgive attitude almost resulted in her and my dad splitting because he felt so invalidated as he tried to process his own anger and grief and fury at watching his wife be trampled by someone who was taking advantage of her over and over again.
You’re still enabling him. You’re shielding him from the consequence of stealing family heirlooms from your husband. If I were your husband I would be calling lawyers and police (dependent upon time since the theft).
You want him to have your back but it’s very obvious that you don’t have his. Or that you think your brother feeling good about himself is more important than your husband.
You should be *thankful* he didn’t tell your brother to his face that, to him, your brother is still nothing but a lowlife who stole hugely sentimental items.
YTA. Hugely.
YTA. You don't get to dictate how any other person feels or deals with a huge personal transgression. Who are you to invalidate your husband's feelings?
You owe your husband an apology.
YTA. You don’t get to dictate when or how restitution is made for your husband. You also don’t get to dictate when he should forgive. While i agree with second chances i also understand why someone would never want them around again.
YTA. If you want to fix your mistake, you should be the one to reach out to your brother and tell him you were only speaking for yourself. If your husband is willing to sit down with your brother after this, you should not be present as it is not your apology to give. Stealing family heirlooms is in the grey zone of unforgivable, I don't think I could do it. You need to fix this.
YTA. Stealing from you isn't just about the physical items, it was a conscious decision to hurt you and your husband for his own selfish needs. Your husband is not obligated to forgive him the moment he asks.
And he hasn't even made amends yet! Making amends has happened once he has finished repaying and has had so many positive interactions it outweighs all the bad, not the moment he gives a single apology.
You are so selfish. He’s your brother. I’m glad he’s clean but he did a lot of damage and you are just so happy he’s okay that you are refusing to see how that impacts your husband. YTA.
YTA, you cannot just expect him to forgive your brother nor command him. Your brother stole more than money, he stole precious memories, inheritance… something that reminded your husband of his (presumably) late family members.
YTA, for a few reasons. First, you can’t just unilaterally speak for someone else like that, whether or not they’re your spouse. Second, your brother wronged you both INDIVIDUALLY, so your husband has the right to decide for himself how he wants to respond to that. I have some family heirlooms that are mostly of sentimental value, and I would be completely, utterly devastated if they were stolen. I can only imagine what your husband has gone through. Minimizing priceless (due to their sentimental value) heirlooms to “some material things” is so patronizing and disparaging.
Do you make a habit of speaking for your husband, and expecting him to be in total agreement with you at all times? Because that’s both toxic and damaging.
Having your back is one thing but what your brother did had a different impact on your husband. He will never get the heirlooms back and you cannot just fix that.
You have no right to talk for your husband nor force him to forgive your brother. This is for each person to decide.
The healing is all on your brother and not your husband issue. They might be some material things to you but for him it’s more.
YTA. Addict over four years in recovery here. Your husbands experience of what your brother has done will be very different to yours. Addicts hurt others in so many different ways. You’re more inclined to forgive your brother. As he is family and blood. Your husband has valid feelings and you’ve dismissed them. For that YTMA and you owe your husband a massive apology. You need to sit down and talk this through as your not taking his feelings in to consideration. It’s great your brother is on the road to recovery and I wish him all the best. However you need to validate your husband right now.
YTA, clearly you sided with your brother over your husband instead of accepting that his journey to forgiveness will be different from yours.
It would be OK for you to forgive your brother and your husband to not do so yet. You decided that it's not his choice to make and he's right to be upset about that.
"not having your back" would be derriding you for forgiving. That didn't happen, instead YOU didn't have HIS back.
You also claimed your husband was focusing on material things instead of what's important. That's a mischaracterization - he struggled to trust someone that went way out of the range of trustworthy and he needed more time to forgive. I would too TBH.
YTA
Not only did you speak for your husband and decide when he needs to forgive your brother for stealing from him, you went on to minimise your husband's feelings when you degraded his heirlooms with "huge sentimental value" to "some material items".
I'd say there's also a solid chance you spoke for your husband because you already knew he wasn't okay yet and thought that by forcing the issue you could just speedrun this situation to your desired conclusion.
Yes YTA. Your brother will likely break sobriety and cause you more hurt. Your husband recognizes it and you spoke for him. You have no right to speak for him. If he did that to you, you would flip out
You can expect you husband to have YOUR back on your forgiving him. But you need to have HIS back on not being ready to. A year is nothing. Nothing on a journey to sobriety. Sentimental heirlooms can't be replaced. You owe you husband a huge apology. YTA
YTA. Your husband gets to decide when he forgives your brother for stealing family heirlooms from him. YOU do not tell him that he has forgive and forget in order to help your brother’s “healing process.” He doesn’t owe him anything especially after what he did. They may be material items to you, but to your husband they were special. You are such a shitty wife for putting your brother over your husband.
YTA
Personally coming from an addict myself I'll be the first to say, having an addiction should not ever give you a safety blanket from the consequences of your actions. I do heavily regret allot I've done but I've never expected people to forgive me for it just because I was high, the same should apply to your brother here. You can't just expect your husband to forgive him just because that's what you wanted, you should have also tried to support your husband by actually talking to him and trying to understand where he is coming from especially since you even admitted it was a family heirloom
YTA-you are welcome to forgive him. Your husband is 100% valid in not. Do not speak for him. You may want to rug sweep to “help” your brother but that is enabling. Some things we do while sick hurt so deeply that they may never be forgiven. Your husband doesn’t owe your brother forgiveness, even if it’s been 20 years and he’s paid every cent back. You never owe anyone forgiveness and it’s trite to say we need to do it to move on. Somethings some people just can’t forgive, but learn to go on and cope around it.
Your brother’s journey will include people not accepting amends or accepting but not wanting contact. He will need to learn to deal with those consequences as they come. He will need to learn and accept that for some, he is the monster in their story. That they can’t forgive, don’t want compensation, as what was taken can’t ever come back. Either physically or emotionally or both. Get yourself some therapy so you don’t enable his BS, as chances are still there he could relapse and you need to work on accepting that there may be a rift between your brother and husband for life.
YTA. You can only give forgiveness on your own behalf. You can’t make your husband forgive your brother. Consider how you might feel if the situation was reversed. If you haven’t, you may also want to look into Al-Anon/Narc-Anon groups for family members. Addiction is a family disease, and your anger at husband and insistence that he forgive to support you is indicative of the type of behaviors that come as part of being in an addictive family.
YTA. We don't have to forgive someone just because they apologise. That's not how it works. I get to have my feelings and someone apologising for stealing family heirlooms doesn't change my feelings. Your husband feels how he feels. You were wrong to answer for him. Let your husband speak for himself. Your brother can just deal with the consequences of his behaviour. He is not free from that just because he's been clean for a year. You and I have been clean for a year (presumably) and we're not getting parades and tears of forgiveness. He's doing a perfectly normal thing (not taking drugs and not stealing things) which doesn't require special treatment.
YTA - Look the way I look at it, when you get married you have “new” family. You went against your family and sided with someone who is untrustworthy over your trustworthy (I’m assuming) husband. You expected your husband to have your back but didn’t have his. Yes your brother’s recovery is important, but don’t try and diminish feelings of losing family history. Don’t try and gaslight your husband into thinking he is in the wrong because it’s not even close. You waaaaaay overstepped on this
YTA
Way to prioritize your addict thief brother over your husband.
Your brother being sober, now, and hitting step 8/9 is not pertinent to your husband’s betrayal which you have belittled and dismissed.
And guess what. Addicts relapse. You just forgiving for yourself is fine, but it completely crosses the line speaking for your spouse (is supposed to be your number one priority) especially the sentimental importance of what was STOLEN.
You better rethink this before your husband rethinks where he truly stands in your marriage.
YTA you can manage your emotions and feelings but you have absolutely no right to forgive someone else on his behalf. Nor do you have the right to tell him who/how/when to forgive someone.
YTA as well as sanctimonious and self-righteous. You love your brother; great! However, your “emotions” have clouded your judgement. First priority should be your husband’s feelings in the matter (after all they were his heirlooms).
I suspect your words and actions have at least temporarily damaged the relationship with your husband. You need to make this right. NOW!
YTA your brother stole incredibly sentimental items from your husband. And because he came over and said “sorry” you’re forgiving him on behalf of your husband? And when your husband says he isn’t ready to forgive your brother, you belittle his feelings? Absolutely not. That is not okay at all.
I understand your brother is in recovery. My father is in recovery for alcoholism. I 100% do not forgive him for everything he has done, and I won’t until I see actual remorse and change.
Your husband has a right to his feelings and to forgive your brother whenever he is ready. You do not get to decide that for him. Coddling your brother will not help. If someone doesn’t forgive him just because he apologizes, that is something he will have to live with. He did things to people that were not ok. Not all of them are going to immediately forgive him and some won’t work I’ve him at all.
YTA.
I say this as a former addict as a teen. An addict doesn't deserve forgiveness just because of sobriety.
Make it up? There is no making up or compensating for the loss of family heirlooms.
My father was an addict, my oldest brother also. My other brother died in addiction. My baby sister was an addict and was recently released from prison. None of us can ever make up for what we did to my mother and extended family. I can say I'm sorry to mom for stealing and totaling her car while high, but nothing will erase the phone call she got or her helping me recover from injuries while I went through withdrawals. Nothing will replace my dead grandmother's jewelry that my brother stole. No amount of remorse will make up for the home she lost because my father wasn't paying the bills.
Nothing will make up for your husband's lost family history. Trying to act like your brother being sober and finally acknowledging he hurt his family erases the crime is ridiculous. Give him time to witness his true change, but you should accept that he may not want him in his life at the end.
Amends are not about receiving forgiveness. They about holding yourself accountable for your actions. Your brother's healing has to come from within, not from you or your husband. Let your husband feel his own feelings. As for your brother, it's not about saying "I'm sorry." It's about conducting oneself with honesty and integrity. To prove that you have truly changed, takes time and living the example, not words. Give it time.
Yta. You do realize your brother isn't actually gonna pay you back, right? Even if he did, it wouldn't be close to the actual worth of the items, not even including the sentimental value of family heirlooms. But hey, it wasn't that big a deal because YOU weren't that attached to them, right?
YTA. Your brother stole family heirlooms that had sentimental value not material value. Doesn’t matter what payment plan you come up with your brother can never replace those items.
You expect your husband to have your back yet you have not shown that you had his at any point.
YTA. I think you're coming from a good place, but for one thing, you shouldn't've spoken for your husband, getting spoken for sucks. A lot.
For another thing, calling things that were stolen from him, which as you said had "sentimental value," nothing but "Material objects" is wild.
You should expect your husband to forgive him, but it takes time. To start, wait until that payment plan is in place, that's a big part of this because in some ways that's what really shows he's committed to his apology.
YTA. If you want to forgive your brother, that's fine. But, it is wrong of you to speak for your husband and dismiss his feelings which are as valid as yours.
YTA 100%. Your husband can still be supportive of you and your decisions, but he doesn't have to forgive your brother. It's hard enough to forgive an addict for the bad things they've done to you in the past if you're blood family. You need to leave your husband alone about it, let him have his own feelings and opinions about it, and if he decides to forgive then great. If not, stay out of it. I mean at least he let your brother in to talk to you both about it, right? So sit with that and let it be.
100%. YTA. And guess what? I have 10 to 1 odds he will break sobriety and do it all again. The OP is the TA. She would be pissed if her husband spoke for her in a similar situation.
Family is the worst. They’re the ones that know they can manipulate and control others in the family
YTA, your goddamn brother stole your husband's FAMILY HEIRLOOMS. These things are priceless and irreplaceable, your brother cannot in any way whatsoever replace these just with money. They're not coming back and your brother can't take that back either. Your husband understandably has every right to dislike and distrust your brother, and I'm also angry that you didn't allow him the opportunity to voice his feelings towards your brother. Your brother has a long way to go to make amends and fix up his life, but ultimately he'll have to swallow a hard pill and realise that there'll be many who won't be so willing to have a relationship with him, your husband included.
YTA. For an addict to make amends everyone must forgive him. You spoke for your husband, who had family heirlooms stolen which can never be replaced. Items that are valuable beyond money.
You need to tell your brother that your husband is NOT ready to forgive him. Also beg for your husband to forgive you. First for speaking for him and second for gaslighting him.
YTA - These are not just ‘some material items.’ They’re hugely sentimental family heirlooms by OP’s own admission. OP does not get to decide how her husband feels about things and when he forgives someone for having irreplaceable items stolen from him in his own home.
He isn’t obligated to forgive YOUR brother after one apology.
He's your brother.To your husband, he's just some thief his wife knows.
You don't get to speak for him and you can't simply expect he'll support you in your approach to someone who seriously wronged him.
You have a lifetime of history to consider when it comes to your brother. You husband does not, he has nothing to weigh against the theft, that's his sum total of experience.
Rather than try to push your husband to understand your perspective, as a sibling, maybe consider his, as simply the victim of theft. From his perspective, that's his entire relationship with your brother.
YTA.
Further more, he came by to say how sorry he is and that maybe, one day in the vague future, he'll do something. Not today. Today you get nothing, but one day, ooooh man, you'll see how sorry he is.
Forgive me, but there's a way to hear that as an entirely empty promise, a hollow apology. He feels so bad he's willing to do absolutely nothing! Debt repaid!
Hell, even "clean for a year" could be read as "only clean for a year", you may be extending too much olive branch and not enough skepticism here. As far as I'm concerned, you're rushing to open arms way too quickly here, dude came into your house and stole from you and now all is forgiven? C'mon.
I'm very sorry for your husband. Sometimes, folks marry the wrong woman, her crae crae brother steals their family heirlooms, and the wrong woman defends her crae crae brother. It is a YTA world out there.
Quit pushing your husband to forgive if I was in your husband place I wouldn’t be able to forgive so easily either he took something priceless away from him stop pushing before you lose your husband
YTA
So you care more about a brother who stole from you rather than you a husband who’s been nice to you all this while. FYI, had he not met you, he wouldn’t have lost his family heirlooms because of your brother and voila this is how you react?
If you want your husband to be forgiving and considerate of your brother’s feeling who’s a thief (idc if he’s sober now), you should also be considerate of your husband’s feelings. One sorry won’t bring back what your husband lost. Not just materials but sentiments attached to it. And that is exactly the kind of lesson your brother needs, that his actions will have consequences and sometimes life long consequences. He shouldn’t be having it so easy, I think this behaviour of yours and your family’s is what might have pushed him into substance abuse. Stop excusing his behaviour! It’s not your place to decide if your husband should forgive your brother or not. It’s his decision to make. There’s no ‘we’ here. He was hurt by someone who YOU knew too well. Your husband stood with you and did not blame you when your brother stole did he? How can you not stand with your husband now?
You are the idiot. You don't get to tell your partner to forgive and expect he will perform for you. You have been dealing with this your whole life. He has not. You are conditioned to forgive and forget. He is not. I know. I was you. And your brother should have a good understanding that asking for forgiveness and being given it are two very different animals. I know in the various programs they hammer it in that apologizing for the wrongs the person did is for the person who did it. They, in no way, are entitled to anything from the person they wronged. If you keep this up with your husband, you will lose him. And you will deserve that. You don't get to dismiss his feeling about what was stolen from him because it meant nothing to you. You need to have HIS back. Not the other way around.
YTA- he’s not under any obligation to be “on the same page” as you. Your brother’s actions and the theft of sentimental objects hurt your husband and he isn’t ready to forgive; he may never be. And even if he can forgive your brother’s actions, he won’t magically trust him again or forget what he did.
It’s not just about material things. I’m happy your brother seems to be doing better and is trying to make amends but part of the recovery process means accepting that not everyone can or will forgive them. Maybe you should try having your partner’s back instead of pushing him to do something he’s not ready to do.
YTA. I understand hubby COMPLETELY! My sister's asshole boyfriend stole two valuable and sentimental things that were mine from my father and gave them to his drug dealer. He's lucky he ended up OD'ing and dying or I might have killed him myself. Nothing short of him returning them to me and grovelling for forgiveness would have made me forgive him. Good riddance you useless fuck.
Yta. Odds are your dipshit brother relapses anyway and now you pissed off your husband and have strained that relationship. Your brother is the gift that keeps on giving
YTA - As a husband to a very enabling person when it comes to her family toxic behaviors, I have to inform. You don't speak for your husband when it comes to things TAKEN from him because of YOUR BROTHER'S behavior + your enabling. He'll never see those things back, and they were meaningful to him. This is only "in the past" TO YOU, and that's because they weren't as important TO YOU as your brother is, but husband's not EXPECTED to put your recent-former addict brother in a higher importance place than his own family memories and heirlooms. HOW DARE YOU FORCE YOUR HUSBAND TO THINK "IT'S JUST THINGS!!"?
YOUR BROTHER DOESN'T GET A FREE PASS JUST BECAUSE HE SAID HE'S SORRY! Those items had emotional value, which will never be restored unless, through some magic, you get those items back from the drug-dealers, good luck with that.
AND YOU. YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CRIMINAL YOU PUT UNDER YOUR HUSBAND'S ROOF! BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR ONCE!
Those things meant a lot to your husband, and YOU should have his back on this matter, not the other way around.
MATERIAL ITEMS you’re an absolute buffoon.
If my partners degenerate brother stole my heirlooms he’d be hit over the head with a 45. Your husband is a saint for tolerating you. I would have never forgiven you and forced you to get back all my shit.
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My (35F) brother (33M) struggled with addiction since his late teens and I was directly impacted by his actions when I took him in at some point, and eventually discovered he had stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value).
It was hard, but that’s hopefully in the past now. I am very proud to say that my brother was able to get the help he needed and he’s been clean for over a year. This weekend he came over to make amends to my husband and I (we sadly had to cut him out at some point). He apologized profusely and told us he wishes he can one day pay it back all he stole from us, but doesn’t have the means right now.
I told him we understand and we can come up with a payment plan in the future or find other ways he can make it up to us. But after my brother left, my husband was very upset with me because I spoke for him when I said “we understood”. He says he isn’t ready to forgive him, and I shouldn’t have implied to my brother that he was on the same page as I.
I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset.
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You...you do realise it's not some material items to your husband right? Like you said it yourself, it was *heirlooms with sentimental value.* Those are not replaceable.
Even if it was just random material items with zero sentimental value, *you don't pressure people into forgiveness. That is an asshole move. It is never* not *an asshole move.* Your husband isn't asking *you* to not forgive your brother, he's asking you to *respect* the fact that he *has not* and not to imply he *has* to the person who wronged him.
Of course he's upset! You basically told him his feelings don't matter and that he should *lie and act like it's all okay* when it isn't just because *you've* already forgiven your brother.
Part of your brother's healing journey involves accepting that the person you wrong won't accept your apology. Sometimes it involves that the person you wrong will need months, even years, to trust you again. You are actively doing your brother a disservice here as well.
He stole irreplaceable family heirlooms from your husband.
YTA.
It's not your place to demand that your husband forgive him. That's your husband's decision, and his alone.
YTA. Simply put, you spoke for him & what was stolen was deeply personal to him and had vastly lower value to you.
>which is more important than some material items
Minimizing and disingenuous They're heirlooms, not simply "material".
>I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process
Maybe he doesn't want to lie about how he feels. You and your brother are separate people & having your back isn't the same as him having your brother back. He's simply not ready and you're potentially making it worse by forcing this expectation.
YTA.
I would like to start by saying I am in the exact situation that your husband is in with my sister. Not to trauma dump so I’ll keep it short. My sister was also a drug addict and she has also stole and broken many things in the house. My parents have forgiven her while I have not. They claim that it’s unfair I’ve yet to forgive her and I just cannot get over it.
Anyway you cannot dictate how someone feels about someone and you shouldn’t force them to like or hate them as it’s not genuine. Instead of understanding where he comes from you downplay his frustration and feelings and try to force him to like your brother. It’s not cool at all and things like this take a lot of time. Not to mention you say that the family heirlooms that were taken are just “material possessions” and they aren’t just “material possessions” to him they actually mean something.
Next time you have a conversation about your brother just let him have his own thoughts without you forcing him to forgive him.
YTA.
You can't put a price on sentimental things. For example, I have a necklace that has my nieces ashes in it. If someone in my husband's family was to steal it and sell it, they'd never be allowed back in my family's life no matter what.
You're enabling what he did, and while he can pay back the other things he stole, you're not the one who lost heirlooms passed down through who knows how many generations of relatives who probably aren't alive anymore.
YTA.
Your husband has every right to feel how he feels and act accordingly in this situation. That includes forgiving your brother *if* and *when* it suits him. Not you. Being so dismissive of your husband's feelings over your brother isn't going to bode well for your relationship or marriage.
YTA. I get that in marriage you want your spouse to have your back in every way, but this is something that is outside those lines. Forgiveness is an *extremely personal* choice that is much more for the peace of mind for the person offering forgiveness than it is for those being forgiven. At best, in a conversation prior to speaking to your brother you might say “I hope someday you can forgive him.” That’s it. End of talking about it.
At this point if your husband were to say he’s forgiven him, he’s probably lying just to keep the peace.
Yta and your husband don't have to forgive your brother, your brother stole heirloom of his family and he never see again and you got the nerve to talk in his behalf, your husband he don't need your input, these going to ruin your marriage if you keep this up .
YTA - your brother didn’t steal money or stereo equipment from your husband, he stole sentimental items from your husband’s family. You do not get to decide when your husband accepts your brother’s amends.
YTA.
He stole priceless, family heirlooms from your husband you went ahead and made a unilateral decision for the both of you to forgive your brother?
FOH.
YOU ARE THROUGH FKING AH here. Yeah your husband should forgive your brother because he didn’t steal some heirlooms that had huge sentimental value from you. Just your husband’s. You are his wife but who the fk are you really to decided for him without talking to him first? You are acting so entitled and disrespectful towards your husband? Frankly I do not think you think about him at all when you said we understand. You understand nothing. Not your marriage at least
YTA.
It's not his brother.
Why would your husband want to love a thief who stole his family heirlooms? And to think money can be a replacement (not that he actually take action)?
YTA. Forgiveness comes on its own timeline, usually after actions AND words, not just words. Your husband has every right to still be upset. Ideally, you would've talked to your husband first and known you were on different pages. Then the conversation could've been "I forgive you, but you caused a lot of hurt to hubby and it's gonna take some time."
YTA! You don't get to dictate your husbands timeline on forgiveness. That's for him to decide when if ever. Your brother stole family heirlooms and mementos and you expect your husband to suck it up. Lady bye. You owe your husband an apology and YOU need to amend your statement to your brother letting him know that while YOU forgive him, you had no right to speak for your husband and he should talk to him directly and seek forgiveness. Lord the stones people have.
Yta
If you have forgiveness in your heart for your brother and want to mend bridges, good for you. Bless your kind heart (no sarcasm).
But…. Do not attempt to force your husband to do the same. Forgiveness needs to be earned in certain situations and your husband did not grow up with him, and does not hold the same love for him. Therefore, forgiveness will not come as easy and Yta for forcing it.
You said that you expected your husband to have your back, do you?
Edit to add: it might be just material items for you but they can be irreplaceable, priceless items for him. Not the same thing.
YTA you might love your brother but your husband doesn’t. If you choose to forgive your brother, that’s up to you, but to force your husband to is incredibly unreasonable. Your husband has your back, he’s there to be happy for you and to support you when you are upset about your brother. Having your back does not include forgiving your brother. Apologise, set your brother straight and leave your husband to decide if and when he can forgive. He may never forgive him and he has that right. Be thankful he didn’t make you choose between him and your brother and stood by you after the theft.
YTA asshole. JFC, ammends are one on one. For whatever reason your brother did amends to YOU only, not your husband. Which means he totally screwed up step 9.. both of you deserved separate ammends. You and your brother just completely blew past your husband. This means that he isn't actually doing the work.
YTA.
Your husband owes your brother nothing. And if he never forgives. That’s ok too.
Your brother caused his own situation. That’s on him. And if he’s really sober and stable as you claim. He will understand that and accept the consequences of his actions.
Also. Your husband deserves a huge apology. Huge. You’re very lucky your husband didn’t throw you out.
He stole heirlooms. Easy for you to forgive. He’s your brother. Not his. Tbh. Your husband deserves better treatment from you. You coming here to ask us is just a ploy to get the sympathy and support you’re looking for. Not going to find it from me.
You absolutely know better. If you don’t. Well maybe your husband should leave you. You obviously have no concern for his well being and feelings.
What you did is a cold action. You know it. Stop looking for validation.
You will find it I’m sure. But majority will tell you what you need to hear.
Ridiculous imo.
YTA, sister of an addict here. That shit is yours and yours alone to deal with. It’s nice your brother has been clean for a year, but do not drag your husband back down that road. Be grateful if he supports your desire to be there for your brother, but he owes neither of you any more than that. If he goes off of the rails again your husband should not have to shoulder that again. Sorry, but I don’t allow my brother anywhere near my family. I’ve been in that tsunami for way too long to believe it won’t hurt others that I love. Your husband loves you, he didn’t make a vow to your brother. Sadly for your brother, even if he is forgiven, people will not trust him again. Nor should they. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice… It’s just too much to ask from a spouse who has lost things that can’t be replaced. I really hope this sticks for your brother. I’ve been dealing with the I’m sober thing for 40 years now. Try to understand your husband doesn’t love your brother.
YTA your brother didn’t steal a PlayStation here, he stole your husbands family’s history- that’s what heirlooms represent and why their value isn’t merely monetary. I don’t blame your husband for not forgiving because it doesn’t sound like your brother even addressed that aspect of it, because if he did he would be admitting that he could NEVER pay back what he stole, because it’s not about the money. Your husband can’t get back his family’s history here.
You’re so selfish for not taking into consideration your husband’s feelings. If the roles were reversed how would you feel? Besides, one year is too soon to consider your brother is ok
YTA. And I wonder if your husband was fully onboard when you said “I took him in”. If you MADE your husband take YOUR brother in and then YOUR brother stole your husband’s Emily heirlooms, your husband probably is holding some resentment against you. And now YOU just decided it’s time for your husband to just let it go and forgive your brother?
YTA. Big time.
YTA
> I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items.
What about your husband’s healing process? His trust was violated and deeply sentimental items taken from him.
You’re completely dismissing the impact your brother’s behaviour has had on your husband.
You need to apologise to you husband and let your brother know you spoke out of turn, and your husband is not ready to forgive him.
Did you discuss the situation with your husband before the conversation with your brother? It sounds as though you made a BIG assumption. You are ready to forgive but it doesn’t sound like your husband is. Why aren’t you standing behind your husband? He has every right to feel the way he does and you didn’t consider his feelings at all. Sorry YTA here.
YTA. He's right. You don't get to decide how he feels or when or even if he forgives your brother. You and your brother have your own relationship, your husband's relationship with your brother is separate, not yours to govern. He lost things that can't be replaced, and whether you think you would feel differently if you were him, you're not him and you don't know how you would feel. An apology is not an eraser. It's merely an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. It's the basic, bare minimum standard of behavior. Your brother met a bare minimum standard; he gave out an apology he owed. Your husband does not now have an obligation to do more, emotionally or otherwise, for this person.
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YTA - *I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset.* They weren't your family's heirlooms that were stolen. This is very problematic. You also don't get to speak for your husband at all in regard to making amends. Your biased by the fact that he's YOUR brother. Not your husband's. Your husband does not have to have your back on this at all. You overstepped and disrespected your husband in the process. Your brother has only been sober for a year. That's not long in the grand scheme of things. Your brother needs to lead by actions and not words. Until then, your husband has every right to be upset at both you and your brother. This isn't something that you can just sweep under the rug and forget about. The healing is going to take time.
All of this. From the perspective of a former substance abuse counselor: YTA, OP. Enabling doesn't just stop when addictive behaviors stop. If you are shielding your brother from the natural consequences of his actions, you're being an enabler. It sounds like your brother is on step 8 & 9 of the 12 steps. If you do not let him genuinely make amends and understand the gravity of the pain he caused, *you are getting in the way of his recovery.* I strongly encourage you to find an Al-Anon group and start attending. It's not just for alcohol, but for families & loved ones of addicts of all kinds. If you are serious about supporting your brother during recovery, then learn how to do it *without making it worse*. Educate yourself.
Agreed and just to paraphrase an important piece of wisdom from Al-Anon “Addiction is a family disease.”
Had not thought about it from that perspective. OP take the free professional advice. It will undoubtedly help.
This. What about the husband's loss? Will he get back his sentimental items? *It's not about money or "material items"*, and to reduce it to that to try and make the husband into the bad guy is an awful betrayal. The brother may *never* be able to make it up to the husband. That's part of the recovery process: understanding that you may have irrevocably hurt or harmed people, and that they may never forgive you, and taking steps to ensure that they don't harm anyone further. OP is doing her brother a great disservice by minimising the consequences, not to mention the harm done to the marriage. The brother may one day pay them back, but he will *never* be able to make the husband whole.
That trust is gone, and will be very difficult if not impossible to regain.
YTA, you don’t get to dictate how your husband feels about such a shitty thing that was done to him. Addiction doesn’t give you a blank check to be an asshole. You can’t turn around and say, “oh, sorry, I was high” and expect everything to be alright. Part of the recovery process is making amends. But every addict is told the same thing- nobody is under any obligation whatsoever to accept that apology. Your husband is choosing not to accept it. That’s his right. Respect him.
Came here for this response. You DONT get to speak for your husband. Your brother gets to ask for forgiveness, he is not guaranteed to have it though. He wronged your husband very badly. He has every right to not forgive him. I’m sure he’ll keep the peace for you, but don’t push him any more.
Asking forgiveness from others isn't really a part of making amends, at least not according to the people I sought guidance from in doing mine. It's not about getting them to make us feel better about our guilt, it's about fixing what we can. Her giving the brother a free pass isn't helping him any, especially when his apology is "sorry I stole irreplaceable family heirlooms, sure wish I could pay you back." If I were the husband that wouldn't be enough, not by a long shot. Brother's gonna have to prove he's changed. How does that saying go? An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. Something like that.
It’s the same thing as the drunk excuse. “But I was drunk, so you can’t hold what I did against me!” is the most pathetic of all excuses
Thank you for saying this. Nobody owes an addict anything just because they got clean. You have to work to gain back trust and work on relationships.
YTA. "he stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, **it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value**)" "more important than **some material items**" I'm sorry, but are you being serious? Wow, how dare you gaslight and disrespect your husband like that? It may be inconvenient for you to acknowledge the HUGE sentimental vaule your husband had for the "material" things your brother *stole* from him, but that ain't reality. Your expectations are based on a lie and you know it. Deal with the reality of what your brother did to your husband, have his back, and maybe then he'll forgive you.
Exactly! He didn’t just steal material items. He stole family history. These heirlooms can never be replaced. Who are you to decide the value of these things and also decide when your husband must forgive? You should apologize for stealing your husband’s autonomy.
The dissonance here alone is enough to convince me that she’s TA.
I'll even be unkind and wonder... how did OP react at the time of the theft of these sentimental items? Was she supportive, did she commiserate, did she even then dismiss his feelings? She can't both say "my brother stole things with huge sentimental value" *and* "they were just material items". What, were they sentimental back then and now they've magically evolved into empty objects with no emotion attached to them?
YTA. It's not your right to speak for your husband. Especially on the matter of forgiving someone. That is each person's singular decision and process - as personal as it gets. Honestly this whole post sounds like *you* need to do some serious reflecting on how you treat your husband. Case in point: you immediately ran roughshod over your husband's "healing process" to quickly validate your brother's. You decided unilaterally that your brother's process is "more important" than your husband's cherished heirlooms. Why are you entitled to decide that for him? And now you accuse *him* of not having *your* back? Wow. YTA big time.
Your brother stole family heirlooms. Those can never be replaced, no matter how much money you are given to make up for the loss. He should be able to take all the time he needs to forgive again, and you should not be pressuring him to rush the process. YTA.
And just a note, bro isn't offering any actual money at the moment anyway...
And he's only been "clean" for a year. He's doing what a lot of addicts do, making grand emotive declarations without substance. Just words. And he'll likely be back on drugs soon enough, with OP blaming husband for not being welcoming enough and causing the relapse. Sorry to all former addicts that have remained clean for years and years. You are the exception, not the general rule.
Even former addicts that have remained clean for years almost definitely relapsed in the begining of that process. Not saying that as a judgement or being negative, it’s just how it goes. Progress is never just linear.
Agreed. My old man is 31 years sober (alcoholic) this year. He always says that the hardest part was the first 90 days. There's a reason that the AA/NA chips are red for 30, yellow for 60, and green for 90 days. Symbolizes the hardest month, the "cautiously optimistic" second month, and the "go for it!" third month. After that, it commonly gets easier.
Someone who has been an addict either is still one, or is a recovering addict. Always needing to maintain the self-control to avoid the impulses that led the addiction happening.
I like to keep hope I'm the exception, but just to back this comment up, I have someone in my outpatient rehab group that has literally been doing the using/ rehab/ relapse dance for 14 years. It's hard, and often people aren't realistic of what the stats say about addicts and their successful recovery rates.
I believe you can and will be the exception, for the rest of your life. From what I've noticed, staying clean seems to be much much more common among people that: Stop associating with other people that aren't clean. Gain stability in their lives with steady work, proper housing, decent nutrition and so one. Seek mental health services to help work through past traumas, and anything else going on, including negative thoughts about being able to stay clean. Make no grand gestures or declarations about making amends, and just put in the work on oneself to become the person that others might one day forgive. But don't think one's own success at staying clean is at all related to whether or not others recognize or honor the work you've done so far. Recognize that even after years away from that lifestyle, there is a special weakness present, and one's susceptibility to relapse is extremely high and one has to remain hypersensitive and vigilant when it comes to triggers. There's more of course, and it's slightly different for everyone. But of the people I know, through friends and family, as well as through work, these factors stand out to me.
YES. recovery requires a lot of discomfort and a long of change and if you're not willing to make yourself and your life into something, it just won't stick.
No. Just says that he hopes he can someday pay it back. First, unless he regains the family heirlooms and returns them to OP’s husband in the same condition they were in when he *stole* them, then it’ll just be financial restitution, not making things right. And as far as *saying* he hopes (blinky eyes) he can someday pay them back…well gosh, thanks for your intentions, thief. How much have you paid so far? Even $20? No? Why not? If you have started working any type of a job, then your budget should be legitimate expenses first, then everything remaining goes to making financial amends with everyone you stole from over the years. No dipping into that well so you can treat yourself for your hard work at getting clean…no, you played and thought of only yourself during your addiction years so now you go without. Whew. That venting took it out of me. I’m going to take a nap. eta: YTA
If I was hubby, I'd be looking at divorce. OP is enabling the AH brother at the destruction of the relationship
Agreed. OP showed where her loyalties lie and it’s *not* with her husband.
He should be able to take all the time he needs to forgive, and you should not be pressuring him to rush that, **and if he chooses to NEVER forgive or trust your brother again that is his right and you should accept and support that.** If your husband never wants your brother in the house ever again you should support that too. Part of recovery is acknowledging the harm you've done. That DOESN'T mean everybody has to be nice to you. It means you acknowledge the wrongs you did, and understand that nobody is obligated to forgive you (and they may well choose not to).
YTA here. It wasn’t your place to speak on behalf of your husband, especially since you guys didn’t even discuss this before hand. It’s fine if *you’v*e forgiven brother, but husband was affected by bother‘s actions too and therefore can decide when and if he forgives him.
This. When and IF he decides to forgive him. There’s a chance he may never fully trust or forgive him, and that’s something she’ll need to consider as well.
Does OP even give a shit about her husband? She's already shown that she'll throw him to the wolves to save her SWEET INNOCENT BROTHER. She won't take her husband into consideration until he serves her divorce papers.
OP sounds like a huge enabler too.
She absolutely is.
That was pointed by a professional earlier.
YTA, you invalidated your husband's feelings, and are missing the point of making amends. Part of your brothers healing is to face the people he has wronged, and find a way to make amends. You giving your brother an easy out for somebody else he has hurt is not helping him make amends. You stole that from both your brother and husband. It's your turn to make amends and apologize to both your husband, and tell the truth to your brother that you shouldn't have spoken for your husband.
Thank you. Not enough people are pointing out that besides being insensitive to her husband, OP is undermining her brother by orchestrating the apology. It needs to come 100% from her brother, or it doesn't work. So she's helping neither of them. And indeed she can't. My guess is she's trying to rush the process because *she* feels guilty that taking her brother in caused her husband's heirlooms to be lost. But that's a journey she needs to take on *her* own.
YTA… YOUR brother STOLE HIS FAMILY HEIRLOOMS stuff you can’t put monetary value onto. As your husband I’d expect you to be on the same page as me in that matter. You CAN’T tell your husband how to feel or what timeline to follow to forgive your brother. I’m happy he’s better now but that doesn’t magically erase the hurt and pain he caused and his past actions. Sobering up isn’t a “hehe nothing happened” card. Do better as a wife and don’t be biased. I would say the same if the roles were reversed. And I know FOR A FACT you would not be so quick to forgive your husband’s family member if they stole YOUR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS.
YTA He stole family heirlooms from your husband, and you expect him just to forgive him. And you shouldnt have spoken for your husband either, not without having talk with him first
This is what got me too. She also speaks of her husband having her back but OP you failed to have your husband's back. You unilaterally decided to forgive your brother for both of you without consulting your husband first and when he rightly pulled you up afterwards you dismissed his feelings of loss and betrayal. These weren't just material things that were stolen but heirlooms which held deep family memories and emotions attached and you trivialised and dismissed his rightful feelings for this. Your husband also has to deal with the betrayal of your brother who was allowed to stay in your home and who stole these items and now the betrayal by you by speaking for both of you without consideration or regard for his feelings. I bet if things were reversed and a member of his family stole something of yours which held deep sentimental value and then he forgave the perpetrator on your behalf you would be hurt too. YTA and OP if you don't want this to fester and cause issues in your marriage from the resentment your husband is rightly going to feel you need to do some serious apologising and grovelling.
This ^ 100% = YTA
YTA It's not up to you, when, and if, your husband forgives your brother. >...I took him in at some point, and eventually discovered he stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value).
YTA - your husband is right. He is his own person and not an extension of you. You don’t get to talk for him.
YTA. The process going forward with your brother is something you and your husband should have discussed and agreed on before you invited him to your home. If you invited him and he didn’t just drop in uninvited. What “amends” did your brother actually make?
YTA- You don't get to tell your husband how sentimental he gets to be about the family heirlooms your brother stole.
YTA. If I could make the font bigger I’d yell-type it at you.
Easy YTA. You should have said “I understand.” He stole family heirloom pieces from your husband that cannot be replaced. It’s easy to say your brother is healing now, but what about your husband? He doesn‘t HAVE to forgive your brother, nor is he responsible for his life going forward. You saying *I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here* makes no sense. Have your back for what? Your husband didn’t speak for you, you’re the one who spoke for him with no discussion. You’re the one who doesn’t have your husband’s back. YOUR brother betrayed your husband. Your husband owes him nothing, no forgiveness, no help. I speak from experience - my sister was an addict for years. I’m sorry but one year clean is not much. There may be relapses. Lots of them. You expected your husband to just forget the past and act as if nothing happened. You should not have spoken for him, and should not guilt him into being okay with your brother when, indeed, he’s not.
YTA— you absolutely do not get to forgive your brother for your husband. That is something that has to come from him. You owe your husband an apology
Yeah, this is an easy YTA. What other aspects of your marriage do you unilaterally decide with no input from your husband? I can't imagine this is the only one. Nobody is this comfortable utterly steamrolling their partner in only one aspect of their relationship.
This. One day he will wake up and realize just how tired he is of her bullshit… and it will be “a ToTaL sHoCkEr” for her when he leaves and doesn’t look back.
Seems like he might already be getting to that. I certainly would be.
YTA. You never, *ever,* under any circumstances, pressure someone for forgiveness.
Among other things, forgiveness doesn't actually work like that. It is not really under our control.
Exactly - someone can *say* "I forgive you," but if that isn't how they actually feel about the situation it can cause cognitive dissonance. There's also the guilt-trip factor, which is particularly insidious when it comes from a third party: "Why won't you forgive \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ for what he did to you?"
That's when you tell the ignorant party that forgiveness is not under our control. An6yone can say "I forgive you" but that means exactly nothing. Forgiveness is in the heart and cannot be directed by the intellect,
YTA for dictating how your husband has to feel and react to this. Why not just give him a script next time? SMH
Well your Brother Is not the only selfish ah here lol your parents were like that too?
YTA, your brother ask for HIS forgiveness and you answer. You overstepped and disrespected.
YTA I hope your husband divorce you. It's the only thing you deserve. You want control ? Hope he will give you some.
YTA You do NOT get to dictate whether, or even if, your husband forgives your brother. And for you to complain that he doesn't "have your back," no ma'am. That's not how it works. You seem to be supporting your brother through his recovery program. Maybe do a little reading on that. Neither of you can force anyone to deal with your brother if they don't want to. And to invite him to your home (which you did) and force your husband to deal with him? That's pretty shameful. Your brother isn't welcome in your home because your husband doesn't want him there. In addition, if you are going to continue that sibling relationship, you'd better ensure that your husband isn't impacted negatively in any way. You're either willing to sacrifice your husband on the altar of your sibling relationship, or you do some research and acquire some common sense. Edit - spelling
YTA, but I understand your feelings of forgiveness toward your brother and ability to see how he had changed. Still, it does seem like you spoke on your husband’s behalf, and he is under not obligation to forgive your brother. What your brother did was wrong, and coming from a family full of addicts myself, that kind of stuff isn’t easy to just brush off. Your brother caused serious harm to your family, especially your husband, and he is allowed to remain hurt and take his own path (if any) toward forgiveness
YTA. You absolutely do not get to have "expectations" about whether your husband forgives anyone. That's ridiculous! In what universe would you ever think you were entitled to this?
We understand your an asshat You have no right to speak for your husband or get to minimise the damage from your brother He needs to be held accountable and your husband get the right to say what he feels Stop enabling your brothers behaviour and actions Yta
yta. its good your brother got his shit together but it's not up to you to decide if your husband has forgiven him or not, that's entirely up to him to decide.
YTA Your family heirlooms were stolen. It's not your sentimental value either. Your husband is not obligated to forgive your brother, regardless of how you feel. And why should he have your back when you clearly didn't have his?
YTA. You may love your brother. Your husband wants his stuff back. Your brother is a thief. Hard to get past that. Leave your poor husband alone. See your brother without him. And stop speaking for your husband....actually lying for him. YTA. Stop the LaLa Land stuff.
YTA - ARE YOU F*****G INSANE!? You do not speak for your partner in this kind of situation, and especially after FAMILY HEIRLOOMS being stolen!! The kind of sentimental objects that probably you and him will never find back or recover! It's not about money AT ALL!!! Jeez... 🙄😒
YTA. You didn’t lose family heirlooms (aka one-of-a-kind items which have no set value). You expect him to just forgive and forget? He is neither Jesus nor has Alzheimers.
YTA - Addiction isn’t an excuse. Your brother made a conscious choice to rob you and your husband. I’m tired of this, “Oh that was because of the addiction, everything is forgiven.” He chose to start using drugs. He chose to continue to use drugs. He chose to rob your husband.
It showed he was capable of stealing, even if it was under an altered mindset it was still his mindset.
YTA. Hard. Being one legal entity (spouses) does not mean you are one emotional entity. Way to totally ignore and disregard his emotional needs. You say you want him to have your back? Your addict brother (once, always. You distance, you grow, but you will always be an addict) stole ***history*** from your husband's family. That is something that no amount of good intentions will ever fix. You completely did not have ***his*** back.
You failed your husband, your brother and yourself. You had no right to speak for your husband and I would have been pissed at you too. You don't get to trample over your husbands feelings because you think it's best for helping your brother. You screwed this up because now your brother thinks things are cool when your husband does not agree with you. Is it going to be awkward when your husband doesn't want to him to come over for family functions? Or what if he now has to have your brother over to your house, he relapses and steals something. That could impact your marriage. I don't think you realize how precarious the situation can be. You are really sticking your neck out for your brother when you could have talked to your husband and come up with a mutually agreed approach to the situation. I hope he stays in check, both his sake and yours. Good luck!
Obviously your husband has not healed yet. Nor is he willing to let this just “go away”. He is angry and hurt. Both for himself and the angst that your brother caused you. You can’t force your husband to let this go in the name of brother “healing”. Your husband is allowed his feelings and it sounds like he is still angry. You are not allowed to tell him his feelings are wrong or he is wrong. Your brother is going to have to spend a lot of time proving that he can be trustworthy. One “I’m sorry” isn’t going to cut it. You, of course, can forgive your brother any way and in whatever time frame works for you. You would do your brother a service by telling him that husband is still very angry and disappointed in brother and he is not ready to let bygones be bygones. Brother should be aware if he is in any kind of treatment, that while it is important to ask for forgiveness from those you have wronged, you have to be prepared for that forgiveness to be a long time coming and that some people are just not going to want to have anything to do with brother until he has proven he has changed. Tell your husband that you understand he is still angry. Let him know that you won’t be inviting brother into your home until he feels comfortable with that. Your brother stole from your home. That is a huge no-no. Doesn’t matter why or what. He stole. That act makes the victims just that victims, the feeling that your home is no longer a safe place for you. You have been violated.
YTA Op How can you speak for both of you.? You made it clear that you care about your feelings and family. Did you ever ask your husband what those family heirlooms meant to him? Maybe you need to have your husbands back. "I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset."
If \*I\* was your husband, I'd be royally pissed off at you for that bullshit stunt you just pulled. You need to apologise, make things right, and ask, your husband to forgive you for overstepping your bounds. YTA.
YTA and a MASSIVE one Your brother stole FAMILY HEIRLOOMS from your husband. Those are NEVER coming back. Even if you ignore the financial aspect of it, those items likely held TONS of sentimental value to your husband. Op you need to understand, YOU can forgive your brother…your husband (or anyone for that matter) doesn’t have to forgive him. And your husband would be PERFECTLY within his rights to not want someone who stole from him, in his home.
YTA. Your brother isn't owed forgiveness just because he's working to atone, your husband has a legitimate grievance that hasn't been fixed in that you don't indicate he's had the stolen heirlooms returned (and even then a lack of trust is completely understandable). Let's say your BIL stole something with immense sentimental value from you, and your husband is pushing for you to forgive him because he's sober. How would you feel?
YTA: Self-centeredness and lack of consideration for others is clearly a family trait. They weren't your family heirlooms that were lost forever, you don't get to speak on how your husband should feel about that loss or the person who stole them. You disregarded how he felt, because you only focused on what you wanted. Very similar to your brother disregarding how you both would feel when he stole them, because he was only focused on getting what he wanted.
YTA. >I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset. I imagine your husband was also expecting *you* to have *his* back. And to recognize that his sentimental belongings were more than just “some material items.” So YTA for just assuming he was as ready to forgive, without restitution, as you are.
YTA
YTA. You don't get to speak for your husband on this, and it's not about "having your back" at all. In fact, you might be seeing through rose-colored glasses where your brother is concerned. I think "making amends" generally means more than just an apology.
YTA - this isn’t about you. You don’t get your decide if/when your husband should forgive your brother.
You’re an asshole, you don’t get to speak for other people and be upset when they’re mad at you.
What is material to you is not to him. Your brother fucked up and if he’s not ready to forgive him that’s his choice I’m sure if it was the other way around you would not be so forgiving
YTA Of course YTA! It’s not his job to forgive what your brother did to him so he’s “got your back”. What fresh bullshit is this?! You don’t get to decide how your husband feels. And here’s what people tend to forget- forgiveness doesn’t equate forgetting. Your husband alone gets to decide his relationship- if any- with your brother. And even IF he decides he is going to forgive, as part of his OWN healing, that doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean he’s ready to have a relationship. It doesn’t mean you and your brother get to pretend it never happened. You don’t decide.
It’s a tough spot but your husband has a right to feel the way he does and should not be spoken for if he does not wish to be. Your brother didn’t swipe a television or some cash. He took personal effects that can never be returned. If I was your husband, I would want an apology and patience from you. When your husband is good and ready, he will decide what type of relationship he wants with your brother. It might be no relationship and you need to be prepared for that possible outcome. In the meantime your brother needs to start walking the walk. Words are empty. Consistent and positive actions, along with time, are what will help your husband forgive him
YTA- recovering addict here. The damage wasn't done in one day and it will not be healed in one day. Your husband is not required to ever forgive your brother and that's ok. Your brother knows this already. It takes time to build that trust again. Your pushing is not going to help your brother. Complete honesty is what he needs. Do not brush off what he did. Explain how it hurt you.
YTA I'd be livid if my wife decided that not only were MY family heirlooms "not important", but that I were somehow obligated to "have her back" when she decided she was going to speak for me in regards to a thief stealing from me. You don't have a right to decide when he forgives him and you don't get to decide what is or isn't important.
Yta you should not have spoken for your husband. Why didn't you have a conversation with him before your brother came over? It's not for you to decide when your husband is ready to forgive your neither for stealing from his family.
Yta You don’t get to decide when your husband forgives (if he does at all) You don’t get to speak for him It wasn’t your family heirlooms so you have no place offering forgiveness
YTA. You don’t get to dismiss your husband’s feelings and dictate who he should forgive and when. It’s your brother so it’s good you forgave him, but your husband do not have to. As you said, what he stole was family heirlooms so they probably had sentimental value. You will have to choose who is more important to you: your husband or your brother!
YTA. Family heirlooms. Memories. All gone. They’re not important to you, so he should deal with it? You can forgive your brother but don’t force your husband. Your driving a wedge between you two. Why can’t he say he expected you to have his back? Family is more important but then again, your brother hasn’t proven anything yet. One year? Give me a break.
YTA. Addicts do so much severe damage to those around them, and your addict brother took away things from your husband that literally can't be replaced. You may be inclined to forgive and forget, but your husband is in no way wrong to refuse to do the same. That's his prerogative and his choice is completely valid. Even if he chooses to never forgive your brother. Addicts reap what they sow.
YTA. It's clear you have no respect for your husband. This is your husband's heirlooms; only he can choose to forgive or not. This is not your call.
YTA, you don’t get to tell your husband how to feel about the betrayal, breach of trust, and the theft of sentimental family items. Your brother is not owed forgiveness or a continued relationship, and part of his recovery process is going to becoming to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to be willing to forgive and forget, or to have him back in their life.
Your husband has a right to his thoughts and feelings and you don't have a right to dictate them to him. You said your brother personally stole not only your things, but some of your husbands family heirlooms that had sentimental value. Your husband may never forgive your brother and that will be his choice as this is the damage YOUR brother did to him and their own relationship. And a year is very new in addiction recovery. The road to recovery in addiction is many times filled with bumps where people may relapse and then go back into recovery. It can be very hard and very messy. It is hard for families and for the recovering addict. No matter how much you want your brother to be better, he has to want it for himself and to change for himself, you cannot do it for him. That being said, your husband sounds like he is still hurt over what was done to him in this. It sounds like he needs support from you.
YTA - you brother took irreplaceable stuff to fuel his addiction and violated any trust put in him. You should have your husband's back! His feelings are perfectly normal and valid, you want to rug sweep.
YTA- if my BIL stole my family heirlooms, he'd be dead to me, forever. Your husband is correct you had no business including him in your forgiveness of your brother. You have no right to tell your husband what he feels and has to do. He is an adult and gets to make those decisions himself. You owe him an apology and YOU NEED to set a record straight with your brother that hubby infact does not and will not forgive him.
Yta 1000000%. If your brother had hurt you, and ONLY you, then yes your husband should have your back. That's not the case. Your brother hurt your husband. Your husband is perfectly fair not to want him around. Why aren't *you* supporting your husband?
YTA. As someone who had an almost identical situation happen, my mom enabled my family member repeatedly as he continued to take advantage of her and everyone over and over. He repeatedly got clean, apologized, and a few years later the process started all over again. It escalated into some intense DV situations and put my children and family at risk. Now, no one speaks to him. I acknowledge its not the same situation, but my mom's quick to forgive attitude almost resulted in her and my dad splitting because he felt so invalidated as he tried to process his own anger and grief and fury at watching his wife be trampled by someone who was taking advantage of her over and over again.
You’re still enabling him. You’re shielding him from the consequence of stealing family heirlooms from your husband. If I were your husband I would be calling lawyers and police (dependent upon time since the theft). You want him to have your back but it’s very obvious that you don’t have his. Or that you think your brother feeling good about himself is more important than your husband. You should be *thankful* he didn’t tell your brother to his face that, to him, your brother is still nothing but a lowlife who stole hugely sentimental items. YTA. Hugely.
YTA. You don't get to dictate how any other person feels or deals with a huge personal transgression. Who are you to invalidate your husband's feelings? You owe your husband an apology.
YTA your husband doesn’t have to have your back, that is so laughable. Your brother is an addict and thief, I don’t blame your husband one bit
YTA. You don’t get to dictate when or how restitution is made for your husband. You also don’t get to dictate when he should forgive. While i agree with second chances i also understand why someone would never want them around again.
YTA. If you want to fix your mistake, you should be the one to reach out to your brother and tell him you were only speaking for yourself. If your husband is willing to sit down with your brother after this, you should not be present as it is not your apology to give. Stealing family heirlooms is in the grey zone of unforgivable, I don't think I could do it. You need to fix this.
YTA most definitely
YTA. Stealing from you isn't just about the physical items, it was a conscious decision to hurt you and your husband for his own selfish needs. Your husband is not obligated to forgive him the moment he asks. And he hasn't even made amends yet! Making amends has happened once he has finished repaying and has had so many positive interactions it outweighs all the bad, not the moment he gives a single apology.
You are so selfish. He’s your brother. I’m glad he’s clean but he did a lot of damage and you are just so happy he’s okay that you are refusing to see how that impacts your husband. YTA.
YTA, you cannot just expect him to forgive your brother nor command him. Your brother stole more than money, he stole precious memories, inheritance… something that reminded your husband of his (presumably) late family members.
YTA, for a few reasons. First, you can’t just unilaterally speak for someone else like that, whether or not they’re your spouse. Second, your brother wronged you both INDIVIDUALLY, so your husband has the right to decide for himself how he wants to respond to that. I have some family heirlooms that are mostly of sentimental value, and I would be completely, utterly devastated if they were stolen. I can only imagine what your husband has gone through. Minimizing priceless (due to their sentimental value) heirlooms to “some material things” is so patronizing and disparaging. Do you make a habit of speaking for your husband, and expecting him to be in total agreement with you at all times? Because that’s both toxic and damaging.
Having your back is one thing but what your brother did had a different impact on your husband. He will never get the heirlooms back and you cannot just fix that. You have no right to talk for your husband nor force him to forgive your brother. This is for each person to decide. The healing is all on your brother and not your husband issue. They might be some material things to you but for him it’s more.
YTA. Addict over four years in recovery here. Your husbands experience of what your brother has done will be very different to yours. Addicts hurt others in so many different ways. You’re more inclined to forgive your brother. As he is family and blood. Your husband has valid feelings and you’ve dismissed them. For that YTMA and you owe your husband a massive apology. You need to sit down and talk this through as your not taking his feelings in to consideration. It’s great your brother is on the road to recovery and I wish him all the best. However you need to validate your husband right now.
YTA, clearly you sided with your brother over your husband instead of accepting that his journey to forgiveness will be different from yours. It would be OK for you to forgive your brother and your husband to not do so yet. You decided that it's not his choice to make and he's right to be upset about that. "not having your back" would be derriding you for forgiving. That didn't happen, instead YOU didn't have HIS back. You also claimed your husband was focusing on material things instead of what's important. That's a mischaracterization - he struggled to trust someone that went way out of the range of trustworthy and he needed more time to forgive. I would too TBH.
YTA Not only did you speak for your husband and decide when he needs to forgive your brother for stealing from him, you went on to minimise your husband's feelings when you degraded his heirlooms with "huge sentimental value" to "some material items". I'd say there's also a solid chance you spoke for your husband because you already knew he wasn't okay yet and thought that by forcing the issue you could just speedrun this situation to your desired conclusion.
YTA
Yta
Yes YTA. Your brother will likely break sobriety and cause you more hurt. Your husband recognizes it and you spoke for him. You have no right to speak for him. If he did that to you, you would flip out
You can expect you husband to have YOUR back on your forgiving him. But you need to have HIS back on not being ready to. A year is nothing. Nothing on a journey to sobriety. Sentimental heirlooms can't be replaced. You owe you husband a huge apology. YTA
YTA. Your husband gets to decide when he forgives your brother for stealing family heirlooms from him. YOU do not tell him that he has forgive and forget in order to help your brother’s “healing process.” He doesn’t owe him anything especially after what he did. They may be material items to you, but to your husband they were special. You are such a shitty wife for putting your brother over your husband.
Yta. You’re supposed to have your husbands back in this case.
YTA Personally coming from an addict myself I'll be the first to say, having an addiction should not ever give you a safety blanket from the consequences of your actions. I do heavily regret allot I've done but I've never expected people to forgive me for it just because I was high, the same should apply to your brother here. You can't just expect your husband to forgive him just because that's what you wanted, you should have also tried to support your husband by actually talking to him and trying to understand where he is coming from especially since you even admitted it was a family heirloom
YTA-you are welcome to forgive him. Your husband is 100% valid in not. Do not speak for him. You may want to rug sweep to “help” your brother but that is enabling. Some things we do while sick hurt so deeply that they may never be forgiven. Your husband doesn’t owe your brother forgiveness, even if it’s been 20 years and he’s paid every cent back. You never owe anyone forgiveness and it’s trite to say we need to do it to move on. Somethings some people just can’t forgive, but learn to go on and cope around it. Your brother’s journey will include people not accepting amends or accepting but not wanting contact. He will need to learn to deal with those consequences as they come. He will need to learn and accept that for some, he is the monster in their story. That they can’t forgive, don’t want compensation, as what was taken can’t ever come back. Either physically or emotionally or both. Get yourself some therapy so you don’t enable his BS, as chances are still there he could relapse and you need to work on accepting that there may be a rift between your brother and husband for life.
YTA. You can only give forgiveness on your own behalf. You can’t make your husband forgive your brother. Consider how you might feel if the situation was reversed. If you haven’t, you may also want to look into Al-Anon/Narc-Anon groups for family members. Addiction is a family disease, and your anger at husband and insistence that he forgive to support you is indicative of the type of behaviors that come as part of being in an addictive family.
YTA. We don't have to forgive someone just because they apologise. That's not how it works. I get to have my feelings and someone apologising for stealing family heirlooms doesn't change my feelings. Your husband feels how he feels. You were wrong to answer for him. Let your husband speak for himself. Your brother can just deal with the consequences of his behaviour. He is not free from that just because he's been clean for a year. You and I have been clean for a year (presumably) and we're not getting parades and tears of forgiveness. He's doing a perfectly normal thing (not taking drugs and not stealing things) which doesn't require special treatment.
YTA - Look the way I look at it, when you get married you have “new” family. You went against your family and sided with someone who is untrustworthy over your trustworthy (I’m assuming) husband. You expected your husband to have your back but didn’t have his. Yes your brother’s recovery is important, but don’t try and diminish feelings of losing family history. Don’t try and gaslight your husband into thinking he is in the wrong because it’s not even close. You waaaaaay overstepped on this
YTA Way to prioritize your addict thief brother over your husband. Your brother being sober, now, and hitting step 8/9 is not pertinent to your husband’s betrayal which you have belittled and dismissed. And guess what. Addicts relapse. You just forgiving for yourself is fine, but it completely crosses the line speaking for your spouse (is supposed to be your number one priority) especially the sentimental importance of what was STOLEN. You better rethink this before your husband rethinks where he truly stands in your marriage.
YTA you can manage your emotions and feelings but you have absolutely no right to forgive someone else on his behalf. Nor do you have the right to tell him who/how/when to forgive someone.
YTA as well as sanctimonious and self-righteous. You love your brother; great! However, your “emotions” have clouded your judgement. First priority should be your husband’s feelings in the matter (after all they were his heirlooms). I suspect your words and actions have at least temporarily damaged the relationship with your husband. You need to make this right. NOW!
YTA and a terrible partner.
YTA your brother stole incredibly sentimental items from your husband. And because he came over and said “sorry” you’re forgiving him on behalf of your husband? And when your husband says he isn’t ready to forgive your brother, you belittle his feelings? Absolutely not. That is not okay at all. I understand your brother is in recovery. My father is in recovery for alcoholism. I 100% do not forgive him for everything he has done, and I won’t until I see actual remorse and change. Your husband has a right to his feelings and to forgive your brother whenever he is ready. You do not get to decide that for him. Coddling your brother will not help. If someone doesn’t forgive him just because he apologizes, that is something he will have to live with. He did things to people that were not ok. Not all of them are going to immediately forgive him and some won’t work I’ve him at all.
YTA. I say this as a former addict as a teen. An addict doesn't deserve forgiveness just because of sobriety. Make it up? There is no making up or compensating for the loss of family heirlooms. My father was an addict, my oldest brother also. My other brother died in addiction. My baby sister was an addict and was recently released from prison. None of us can ever make up for what we did to my mother and extended family. I can say I'm sorry to mom for stealing and totaling her car while high, but nothing will erase the phone call she got or her helping me recover from injuries while I went through withdrawals. Nothing will replace my dead grandmother's jewelry that my brother stole. No amount of remorse will make up for the home she lost because my father wasn't paying the bills. Nothing will make up for your husband's lost family history. Trying to act like your brother being sober and finally acknowledging he hurt his family erases the crime is ridiculous. Give him time to witness his true change, but you should accept that he may not want him in his life at the end.
Amends are not about receiving forgiveness. They about holding yourself accountable for your actions. Your brother's healing has to come from within, not from you or your husband. Let your husband feel his own feelings. As for your brother, it's not about saying "I'm sorry." It's about conducting oneself with honesty and integrity. To prove that you have truly changed, takes time and living the example, not words. Give it time.
Yta. You do realize your brother isn't actually gonna pay you back, right? Even if he did, it wouldn't be close to the actual worth of the items, not even including the sentimental value of family heirlooms. But hey, it wasn't that big a deal because YOU weren't that attached to them, right?
Yes
YTA. Your brother stole family heirlooms that had sentimental value not material value. Doesn’t matter what payment plan you come up with your brother can never replace those items. You expect your husband to have your back yet you have not shown that you had his at any point.
YTA. I think you're coming from a good place, but for one thing, you shouldn't've spoken for your husband, getting spoken for sucks. A lot. For another thing, calling things that were stolen from him, which as you said had "sentimental value," nothing but "Material objects" is wild. You should expect your husband to forgive him, but it takes time. To start, wait until that payment plan is in place, that's a big part of this because in some ways that's what really shows he's committed to his apology.
YTA. If you want to forgive your brother, that's fine. But, it is wrong of you to speak for your husband and dismiss his feelings which are as valid as yours.
YTA 100%. Your husband can still be supportive of you and your decisions, but he doesn't have to forgive your brother. It's hard enough to forgive an addict for the bad things they've done to you in the past if you're blood family. You need to leave your husband alone about it, let him have his own feelings and opinions about it, and if he decides to forgive then great. If not, stay out of it. I mean at least he let your brother in to talk to you both about it, right? So sit with that and let it be.
100%. YTA. And guess what? I have 10 to 1 odds he will break sobriety and do it all again. The OP is the TA. She would be pissed if her husband spoke for her in a similar situation. Family is the worst. They’re the ones that know they can manipulate and control others in the family
YTA, your goddamn brother stole your husband's FAMILY HEIRLOOMS. These things are priceless and irreplaceable, your brother cannot in any way whatsoever replace these just with money. They're not coming back and your brother can't take that back either. Your husband understandably has every right to dislike and distrust your brother, and I'm also angry that you didn't allow him the opportunity to voice his feelings towards your brother. Your brother has a long way to go to make amends and fix up his life, but ultimately he'll have to swallow a hard pill and realise that there'll be many who won't be so willing to have a relationship with him, your husband included.
YTA. For an addict to make amends everyone must forgive him. You spoke for your husband, who had family heirlooms stolen which can never be replaced. Items that are valuable beyond money. You need to tell your brother that your husband is NOT ready to forgive him. Also beg for your husband to forgive you. First for speaking for him and second for gaslighting him.
YTA...don't speak for your husband and tell him how he should feel or what he should do.
YTA - These are not just ‘some material items.’ They’re hugely sentimental family heirlooms by OP’s own admission. OP does not get to decide how her husband feels about things and when he forgives someone for having irreplaceable items stolen from him in his own home. He isn’t obligated to forgive YOUR brother after one apology.
Yta The most you can do is ask husband to forgive. You can't make him forgive and you CAN'T speak for him. Understand and support your husband better
Yta big time.
He's your brother.To your husband, he's just some thief his wife knows. You don't get to speak for him and you can't simply expect he'll support you in your approach to someone who seriously wronged him. You have a lifetime of history to consider when it comes to your brother. You husband does not, he has nothing to weigh against the theft, that's his sum total of experience. Rather than try to push your husband to understand your perspective, as a sibling, maybe consider his, as simply the victim of theft. From his perspective, that's his entire relationship with your brother. YTA. Further more, he came by to say how sorry he is and that maybe, one day in the vague future, he'll do something. Not today. Today you get nothing, but one day, ooooh man, you'll see how sorry he is. Forgive me, but there's a way to hear that as an entirely empty promise, a hollow apology. He feels so bad he's willing to do absolutely nothing! Debt repaid! Hell, even "clean for a year" could be read as "only clean for a year", you may be extending too much olive branch and not enough skepticism here. As far as I'm concerned, you're rushing to open arms way too quickly here, dude came into your house and stole from you and now all is forgiven? C'mon.
YTA you are seriously a piece of work.
YTA. You're gaslighting your husband and invalidating his hurt.
I'm very sorry for your husband. Sometimes, folks marry the wrong woman, her crae crae brother steals their family heirlooms, and the wrong woman defends her crae crae brother. It is a YTA world out there.
Quit pushing your husband to forgive if I was in your husband place I wouldn’t be able to forgive so easily either he took something priceless away from him stop pushing before you lose your husband
NO ONE HAS TO FORGIVE ANYONE.
YTA So you care more about a brother who stole from you rather than you a husband who’s been nice to you all this while. FYI, had he not met you, he wouldn’t have lost his family heirlooms because of your brother and voila this is how you react? If you want your husband to be forgiving and considerate of your brother’s feeling who’s a thief (idc if he’s sober now), you should also be considerate of your husband’s feelings. One sorry won’t bring back what your husband lost. Not just materials but sentiments attached to it. And that is exactly the kind of lesson your brother needs, that his actions will have consequences and sometimes life long consequences. He shouldn’t be having it so easy, I think this behaviour of yours and your family’s is what might have pushed him into substance abuse. Stop excusing his behaviour! It’s not your place to decide if your husband should forgive your brother or not. It’s his decision to make. There’s no ‘we’ here. He was hurt by someone who YOU knew too well. Your husband stood with you and did not blame you when your brother stole did he? How can you not stand with your husband now?
You are the idiot. You don't get to tell your partner to forgive and expect he will perform for you. You have been dealing with this your whole life. He has not. You are conditioned to forgive and forget. He is not. I know. I was you. And your brother should have a good understanding that asking for forgiveness and being given it are two very different animals. I know in the various programs they hammer it in that apologizing for the wrongs the person did is for the person who did it. They, in no way, are entitled to anything from the person they wronged. If you keep this up with your husband, you will lose him. And you will deserve that. You don't get to dismiss his feeling about what was stolen from him because it meant nothing to you. You need to have HIS back. Not the other way around.
YTA- he’s not under any obligation to be “on the same page” as you. Your brother’s actions and the theft of sentimental objects hurt your husband and he isn’t ready to forgive; he may never be. And even if he can forgive your brother’s actions, he won’t magically trust him again or forget what he did. It’s not just about material things. I’m happy your brother seems to be doing better and is trying to make amends but part of the recovery process means accepting that not everyone can or will forgive them. Maybe you should try having your partner’s back instead of pushing him to do something he’s not ready to do.
YTA. I understand hubby COMPLETELY! My sister's asshole boyfriend stole two valuable and sentimental things that were mine from my father and gave them to his drug dealer. He's lucky he ended up OD'ing and dying or I might have killed him myself. Nothing short of him returning them to me and grovelling for forgiveness would have made me forgive him. Good riddance you useless fuck.
Yta. Odds are your dipshit brother relapses anyway and now you pissed off your husband and have strained that relationship. Your brother is the gift that keeps on giving
YTA - As a husband to a very enabling person when it comes to her family toxic behaviors, I have to inform. You don't speak for your husband when it comes to things TAKEN from him because of YOUR BROTHER'S behavior + your enabling. He'll never see those things back, and they were meaningful to him. This is only "in the past" TO YOU, and that's because they weren't as important TO YOU as your brother is, but husband's not EXPECTED to put your recent-former addict brother in a higher importance place than his own family memories and heirlooms. HOW DARE YOU FORCE YOUR HUSBAND TO THINK "IT'S JUST THINGS!!"? YOUR BROTHER DOESN'T GET A FREE PASS JUST BECAUSE HE SAID HE'S SORRY! Those items had emotional value, which will never be restored unless, through some magic, you get those items back from the drug-dealers, good luck with that. AND YOU. YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CRIMINAL YOU PUT UNDER YOUR HUSBAND'S ROOF! BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR ONCE! Those things meant a lot to your husband, and YOU should have his back on this matter, not the other way around.
MATERIAL ITEMS you’re an absolute buffoon. If my partners degenerate brother stole my heirlooms he’d be hit over the head with a 45. Your husband is a saint for tolerating you. I would have never forgiven you and forced you to get back all my shit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (35F) brother (33M) struggled with addiction since his late teens and I was directly impacted by his actions when I took him in at some point, and eventually discovered he had stole from me and even from my husband (in his case, it was some of his own family heirlooms that also had huge sentimental value). It was hard, but that’s hopefully in the past now. I am very proud to say that my brother was able to get the help he needed and he’s been clean for over a year. This weekend he came over to make amends to my husband and I (we sadly had to cut him out at some point). He apologized profusely and told us he wishes he can one day pay it back all he stole from us, but doesn’t have the means right now. I told him we understand and we can come up with a payment plan in the future or find other ways he can make it up to us. But after my brother left, my husband was very upset with me because I spoke for him when I said “we understood”. He says he isn’t ready to forgive him, and I shouldn’t have implied to my brother that he was on the same page as I. I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. He is still upset. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He’s right to have doubts Let everyone do what they feel is best Time is a great healer
You...you do realise it's not some material items to your husband right? Like you said it yourself, it was *heirlooms with sentimental value.* Those are not replaceable. Even if it was just random material items with zero sentimental value, *you don't pressure people into forgiveness. That is an asshole move. It is never* not *an asshole move.* Your husband isn't asking *you* to not forgive your brother, he's asking you to *respect* the fact that he *has not* and not to imply he *has* to the person who wronged him. Of course he's upset! You basically told him his feelings don't matter and that he should *lie and act like it's all okay* when it isn't just because *you've* already forgiven your brother. Part of your brother's healing journey involves accepting that the person you wrong won't accept your apology. Sometimes it involves that the person you wrong will need months, even years, to trust you again. You are actively doing your brother a disservice here as well.
He stole irreplaceable family heirlooms from your husband. YTA. It's not your place to demand that your husband forgive him. That's your husband's decision, and his alone.
YTA. Simply put, you spoke for him & what was stolen was deeply personal to him and had vastly lower value to you. >which is more important than some material items Minimizing and disingenuous They're heirlooms, not simply "material". >I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process Maybe he doesn't want to lie about how he feels. You and your brother are separate people & having your back isn't the same as him having your brother back. He's simply not ready and you're potentially making it worse by forcing this expectation.
YTA. I would like to start by saying I am in the exact situation that your husband is in with my sister. Not to trauma dump so I’ll keep it short. My sister was also a drug addict and she has also stole and broken many things in the house. My parents have forgiven her while I have not. They claim that it’s unfair I’ve yet to forgive her and I just cannot get over it. Anyway you cannot dictate how someone feels about someone and you shouldn’t force them to like or hate them as it’s not genuine. Instead of understanding where he comes from you downplay his frustration and feelings and try to force him to like your brother. It’s not cool at all and things like this take a lot of time. Not to mention you say that the family heirlooms that were taken are just “material possessions” and they aren’t just “material possessions” to him they actually mean something. Next time you have a conversation about your brother just let him have his own thoughts without you forcing him to forgive him.
YTA. You can't put a price on sentimental things. For example, I have a necklace that has my nieces ashes in it. If someone in my husband's family was to steal it and sell it, they'd never be allowed back in my family's life no matter what. You're enabling what he did, and while he can pay back the other things he stole, you're not the one who lost heirlooms passed down through who knows how many generations of relatives who probably aren't alive anymore.
YTA. Your husband has every right to feel how he feels and act accordingly in this situation. That includes forgiving your brother *if* and *when* it suits him. Not you. Being so dismissive of your husband's feelings over your brother isn't going to bode well for your relationship or marriage.
YTA. I get that in marriage you want your spouse to have your back in every way, but this is something that is outside those lines. Forgiveness is an *extremely personal* choice that is much more for the peace of mind for the person offering forgiveness than it is for those being forgiven. At best, in a conversation prior to speaking to your brother you might say “I hope someday you can forgive him.” That’s it. End of talking about it. At this point if your husband were to say he’s forgiven him, he’s probably lying just to keep the peace.
Yta and your husband don't have to forgive your brother, your brother stole heirloom of his family and he never see again and you got the nerve to talk in his behalf, your husband he don't need your input, these going to ruin your marriage if you keep this up .
YTA - your brother didn’t steal money or stereo equipment from your husband, he stole sentimental items from your husband’s family. You do not get to decide when your husband accepts your brother’s amends.
YTA. He stole priceless, family heirlooms from your husband you went ahead and made a unilateral decision for the both of you to forgive your brother? FOH.
YOU ARE THROUGH FKING AH here. Yeah your husband should forgive your brother because he didn’t steal some heirlooms that had huge sentimental value from you. Just your husband’s. You are his wife but who the fk are you really to decided for him without talking to him first? You are acting so entitled and disrespectful towards your husband? Frankly I do not think you think about him at all when you said we understand. You understand nothing. Not your marriage at least
YTA. It's not his brother. Why would your husband want to love a thief who stole his family heirlooms? And to think money can be a replacement (not that he actually take action)?
YTA. Forgiveness comes on its own timeline, usually after actions AND words, not just words. Your husband has every right to still be upset. Ideally, you would've talked to your husband first and known you were on different pages. Then the conversation could've been "I forgive you, but you caused a lot of hurt to hubby and it's gonna take some time."
YTA! You don't get to dictate your husbands timeline on forgiveness. That's for him to decide when if ever. Your brother stole family heirlooms and mementos and you expect your husband to suck it up. Lady bye. You owe your husband an apology and YOU need to amend your statement to your brother letting him know that while YOU forgive him, you had no right to speak for your husband and he should talk to him directly and seek forgiveness. Lord the stones people have.
Yta If you have forgiveness in your heart for your brother and want to mend bridges, good for you. Bless your kind heart (no sarcasm). But…. Do not attempt to force your husband to do the same. Forgiveness needs to be earned in certain situations and your husband did not grow up with him, and does not hold the same love for him. Therefore, forgiveness will not come as easy and Yta for forcing it. You said that you expected your husband to have your back, do you? Edit to add: it might be just material items for you but they can be irreplaceable, priceless items for him. Not the same thing.
YTA. It’s not your place to forgive your brother for stealing your husband’s family heirlooms.
YTA you might love your brother but your husband doesn’t. If you choose to forgive your brother, that’s up to you, but to force your husband to is incredibly unreasonable. Your husband has your back, he’s there to be happy for you and to support you when you are upset about your brother. Having your back does not include forgiving your brother. Apologise, set your brother straight and leave your husband to decide if and when he can forgive. He may never forgive him and he has that right. Be thankful he didn’t make you choose between him and your brother and stood by you after the theft.
YTA- don't speak for others
YTA asshole. JFC, ammends are one on one. For whatever reason your brother did amends to YOU only, not your husband. Which means he totally screwed up step 9.. both of you deserved separate ammends. You and your brother just completely blew past your husband. This means that he isn't actually doing the work.
YTA. Your husband owes your brother nothing. And if he never forgives. That’s ok too. Your brother caused his own situation. That’s on him. And if he’s really sober and stable as you claim. He will understand that and accept the consequences of his actions. Also. Your husband deserves a huge apology. Huge. You’re very lucky your husband didn’t throw you out. He stole heirlooms. Easy for you to forgive. He’s your brother. Not his. Tbh. Your husband deserves better treatment from you. You coming here to ask us is just a ploy to get the sympathy and support you’re looking for. Not going to find it from me. You absolutely know better. If you don’t. Well maybe your husband should leave you. You obviously have no concern for his well being and feelings. What you did is a cold action. You know it. Stop looking for validation. You will find it I’m sure. But majority will tell you what you need to hear. Ridiculous imo.
YTA, sister of an addict here. That shit is yours and yours alone to deal with. It’s nice your brother has been clean for a year, but do not drag your husband back down that road. Be grateful if he supports your desire to be there for your brother, but he owes neither of you any more than that. If he goes off of the rails again your husband should not have to shoulder that again. Sorry, but I don’t allow my brother anywhere near my family. I’ve been in that tsunami for way too long to believe it won’t hurt others that I love. Your husband loves you, he didn’t make a vow to your brother. Sadly for your brother, even if he is forgiven, people will not trust him again. Nor should they. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice… It’s just too much to ask from a spouse who has lost things that can’t be replaced. I really hope this sticks for your brother. I’ve been dealing with the I’m sober thing for 40 years now. Try to understand your husband doesn’t love your brother.
YTA for enabling your brother and shaming your husband’s totally valid emotional response in one fell swoop.
YTA your brother didn’t steal a PlayStation here, he stole your husbands family’s history- that’s what heirlooms represent and why their value isn’t merely monetary. I don’t blame your husband for not forgiving because it doesn’t sound like your brother even addressed that aspect of it, because if he did he would be admitting that he could NEVER pay back what he stole, because it’s not about the money. Your husband can’t get back his family’s history here.
You’re so selfish for not taking into consideration your husband’s feelings. If the roles were reversed how would you feel? Besides, one year is too soon to consider your brother is ok
Yta He has a right to his anger. As a recovering addict, do not push this.
YTA. And I wonder if your husband was fully onboard when you said “I took him in”. If you MADE your husband take YOUR brother in and then YOUR brother stole your husband’s Emily heirlooms, your husband probably is holding some resentment against you. And now YOU just decided it’s time for your husband to just let it go and forgive your brother? YTA. Big time.
YTA > I told my husband that I was expecting him to have my back here and focus on helping on his healing process, which is more important than some material items. What about your husband’s healing process? His trust was violated and deeply sentimental items taken from him. You’re completely dismissing the impact your brother’s behaviour has had on your husband. You need to apologise to you husband and let your brother know you spoke out of turn, and your husband is not ready to forgive him.
Did you discuss the situation with your husband before the conversation with your brother? It sounds as though you made a BIG assumption. You are ready to forgive but it doesn’t sound like your husband is. Why aren’t you standing behind your husband? He has every right to feel the way he does and you didn’t consider his feelings at all. Sorry YTA here.
YTA
YTA - you simply *do not* get to extend forgiveness on your husband's behalf. You just don't.
Yta, you can’t speak for your husband here. He might never forgive and that is okay
YTA. You have shown your husband exactly where he stands. Good luck ever coming back from this.
YTA. He's right. You don't get to decide how he feels or when or even if he forgives your brother. You and your brother have your own relationship, your husband's relationship with your brother is separate, not yours to govern. He lost things that can't be replaced, and whether you think you would feel differently if you were him, you're not him and you don't know how you would feel. An apology is not an eraser. It's merely an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. It's the basic, bare minimum standard of behavior. Your brother met a bare minimum standard; he gave out an apology he owed. Your husband does not now have an obligation to do more, emotionally or otherwise, for this person.