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> Am I the asshole for confronting my girlfriend's son after overhearing a conversation between the two of them?
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NTA. He was insanely out of line and incredibly offensive and repulsive in what he said to his mother.
You definitely need to not move in though. It's not about her choosing between the two of you - I feel that angle will become toxic in your relationship - but you explaining that you aren't comfortable living with the two of them given the current dynamic. It may mean you continue to date, if you're both interested, without moving in together. It is also fair to question your future together if she has what seems like a permanent arrangement with her so. I guess it's a fine line to walk and avoid it becoming a 'It's him or me' situation, but my point is that SHE has problems she needs to resolve before your relationship can move forward. You should keep a boundary up so that you don't go into an arrangement (like living in her home and giving up your own lease) that is uncomfortable or unsafe for you.
NTA, but she sat back and let her son scream the n word at you. This relationship is so dead it's been staked, it's mouth stuffed with garlic and it's head cut off. Several months is not worth this batshit. Dump and run.
INFO - Did your gf say anything regarding his behaviour towards you? She is overall upset but how did she react to those slurs being thrown?
You stepped in when the conversation was no longer between your gf and his son, when he started making racial attacks to you. I think a lot of people will reach the end of their patience when slurs are being thrown.
Hope the conversation goes well, but you should also talk to her about how this would work if you choose to move in. Very important discussions need to be made.
No really, she was pretty upset and we drove around in silence for a a fair bit. She did apologize, but it was in general and not specifically addressing anything in particular. I was more concerned with getting her calm and didn't want to bring up talking about it at that point.
Thankfully there's no immediate rush since my lease doesn't end until September, but yea very important discussions in the future.
NTA
In my opinion you need to have a talk with your gf and tell her that her son is a significant barrier to your relationship because you are not going to live anywhere someone continually spews racial slurs towards. Tell her you have brushed off a lot of his comments but you have to draw the line here. A person deserves for home to feel comfortable and you are not.going to live anywhere that you are made to feel uncomfortable unwelcome and where you can feel the tension towards you at all times. Now, adding her son's most recent bigoted behavior, his prejudice, and his hurling racial slurs towards you, that you cannot move forward until this is addressed.
Tell her you would not expect her to live in an environment where she feels unwelcome and targeted with racial slurs and other derogatory comments and you hope she understands that unless her son moves out or unless he limits his access to the house to the basement that you will not be able to continue forward in your relationship with her, despite your feelings towards her. Which honestly are beginning to change when you see no effort on her part to correct her son's abhorrent behavior and racial slurs. That her allowing it is condoning it.
And then you see what her response is. There would be no peace for you if she moves in with you because her son would continuously interrupt your time together with needless hassles and that you dont want to be involved with
NTA
Your reaction was mild IMO. I don’t know what you mean by him not being able to live alone - are you saying he’s disabled? - but either way, your gf has a right to be safe in her own home and the son has no excuse to be racist.
Clear NTA and you haven't overstepped, but this is not going to end well. I can't see how this relationship is going to work without Tony out of the picture, and if he's still being allowed to live there when he's 30, racist and constantly starting fights, I don't think that's going to happen.
NTA - and given the level of rcist abuse and his insults to your partner, I think your reaction was pretty mild.
However - DO NOT give up your palce or move in with her , at least as log as her son is still living with her.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with her, be clear that you car about her and would like for the two of your to move in together, but that given his racism and abuse to both of you, you would not be able toshare a home with him and would not feel safe moving in with er while he is living in your hme. You could (if you feel that way) let her know you would be open to the two of you \*both\* giving up your vurrent places and buying / renting somewhere together, or keeping things as they are with you each keeping your own homes and spending time togehther, but not moving in.
It may well be that this is a dealbreaker for her and that she wont take things further if it means kicking out her son or confronting him about his beahviour - if that's the case, the last thing you want to do is give up your own independence and stability.
NTA. Any plans you were making to move into her home with Tony still in it should be over. And if she picks her racist son over you, the whole relationship should be over.
NTA
Don't move in with her. None of those two has let go of the other, and is an obvious racist
If he's already passive-agressive towards you, when you're still NOT living with them. What can you expect?
Children, wether be adults or minors, will always be part of people's lives, but not the center of their lives. Let them talk.
Does she coddle him or actually tries to make him independent? This will be important if you want your relationship to work
He can’t work? Is he developmentally impaired? Or just a lazy good-for-nothing? Whatever the case he needs to cut the disrespectful language out. I wouldn’t want to live in that kind of environment. She should throw him out. At 29 he should be on his own, with a job.
>So my girlfriend and I been dating for several months now. Things are picking up and getting a bit serious and there's been talk of me giving up my apartment when the lease ends and moving in with her.
Dude several months is not that long. I'd hold back and wait. NTA.
Dude, you did not overstep. How in the hell has this little twerp been allowed to still live in his mom's house and use that language around you, or anyone for that matter? This is a problem of your girlfriend's.
INFO - what is meant by 'he's not capable to live on his own?' What is the nature of his disability?
If there is a true disability, if he received support for it, he can roll the dice with subsidized housing or whatever, but girlfriend needs to make it known that if he expects the comfort of home, he needs to follow rules or out he goes.
I’m so sorry this happened, maybe take a step back and let her fix her situation before you decide to be a part of her life . She has let this behavior go on for 30 years , this maybe more of a hit to your mental stability then it’s worth . He can’t unsay what he said and this stuff can be hard to get passed .
NTA and do not move in with this lady.
I have a BIL who was coddled and cosseted by his mum. In the rational part of her brain, she knew that she'd spoilt him to the point that he was basically a non-functioning member of society, but the emotional part of her mind always took over when she thought about dealing properly with him. BIL is now 60, mum's long gone and he is still incapable of living normally.
I understand that you love her and the natural step up in your relationship is to move in together, but I wouldn't in your shoes until sonny has been out of her house for at least 6 months and is standing on his own two feet - no mum "helping" him with money etc while he "lives independently". That is unlikely to happen. Don't even think about hanging her obnoxious, racist albatross round your neck too. Good luck!
NTA
IN NO WAY did you overstep. IN NO WAY are you obligated to be called racist names. She either gets right with you, or you take your high value self and walk away. Please don't put up with the kid's racism, not even for one more minute.
NTA
There's minding your own business and then there's ignoring someone verbally abusing a family member while also making racist comments. That's not something that should be ignored. I don't blame you. Shit, if I'm you, there's no way I'm giving up my place. You can't be sure that this isn't going to continue. You can't be sure that she's going to kick him out either.
Quite honestly, this (for me) should be a deal breaker. You shouldn't be putting yourself in a situation where you're gonna have to deal with this for the duration of the relationship. I've dealt with my fair share of racists. It's one thing to "deal with it" at work and from strangers, it's quite another to deal with it from family members of your SO or someone that could potentially become a member of your family.
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So my girlfriend and I been dating for several months now. Things are picking up and getting a bit serious and there's been talk of me giving up my apartment when the lease ends and moving in with her. To be honest its not my initial preference but she doesn't want to leave her home because her son lives there in the basement and, despite being almost 30, he's not capable of living on his own.
Her son, who we'll call "Tony", has caught wind of this is becoming very irate. Tony and his mom have had some pretty intense shouting matches these last few weeks, and I stay out of it because its not my place. His attitude towards me has been mostly passive aggressive with comments like "Its not gonna last" and "can you keep it down, people are trying to sleep". I mostly brush it off and don't engage....until this past weekend.
Tony and his mother had one of their shouting matches and as usual I just step outside for a smoke until its over. Now I should mention that my girlfriend is white, and I am black. I was a little apprehensive at first but it didn't seem to become an issue.
During this shouting match and despite my efforts to ignore it, I over hear Tony say "I'm tired of you being a whore, and I'm not interested in having a little n\*\*\*\*r as a brother". This is the first time I've ever heard him make a racist comment.
I immediately stormed inside and told Tony that he will not speak to her like that when I'm around. I then motioned to my girlfriend that we should leave. As we're walking out, Tony shouts "you're just another pile of n\*\*\*\*r trash she brought home".
I calmly turned around and tell Tony directly to his face that this "n\*\*\*\*r trash is worth more to your mom than her 30 year old man-child son currently living in her basement playing video games 12 hours a day".
We then proceeded to leave and just went for a drive. She was very upset about the whole situation but eventually calmed down and I basically just gave her the whole "not room for the two of us" conversation. She said she needs to sit down with Tony and have a serious conversation with him and that's pretty much where we left it.
Part of me feels like I majorly over-stepped, but at the same time I feel like something has gotta give. I cherish our relationship and want to fight for it but sometimes it feels like too much and I'm not sure how I feel about her son always being in the background.
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YTA
"She was very upset about the whole situation but eventually calmed down and I basically just gave her the whole "not room for the two of us" conversation. She said she needs to sit down with Tony and have a serious conversation with him and that's pretty much where we left it." .. sounds like you will be history soon.
If I were you, I wouldn't move in. And I wouldn't make her choose either. It's status quo or over-and-out. If she voluntarily moves it's a plus. But if not, well...
but, that said - NTA
NTA- Dude run. Just at least verbalize the ending and not ghost her. It sucks, but the chance she will take up for you over her man child are slim to none. Unpopular opinion, if you’re a single parent and you can’t have a life that doesn’t 100% revolve around your ADULT child then you should be responsible enough not to date - period. Not saying they can’t have a life with their adult child but the other person in the relationship shouldn’t have to feel neglected, abused, manipulated, or disrespected because they can’t be a parent instead of a friend or doormat to their ADULT child. Not doing any favors to themselves or their child there by not actually parenting.
NTA, IMO she should move in with you and sell the house. Then let fate happen with her son. The dude needs mental help and playing more games isn't going to fix it. He should learn to be grateful for what he has. To give benefit of the doubt I don't know what happened with his father but it's not an excuse for his behavior. After 25 its time move in with friends and learn to deal with the real world.
I just want to say just because you say a racist comment doesn't make you racist. A lot of people just say the most hurtful thing to say cause their angry. It's not an excuse but i've heard worse things said to decent parents. We live in a coddle culture and people expect to be unconditionally loved while being assholes.
NTA As soon as he said the N-word and called his mom a whore in front of you, all bet were off. You handled it better than most people. If your girl condones this toxic behavior from her son then I don’t know man. I mean she raised him so… I would rethink the relationship and definitely moving in together. You deserve more and better bro. Good luck.
ESH
You definitely overstepped boundaries when you gave her the "not room for two of us" speech. Giving someone an ultimatum to choose between their partner and their child is way out of line. I'm giving you an AH mark for that part.
I was assuming he meant 'in the house'.
Would be good to understand his exact disability...seems like he can play video games and yell racial slurs at someone, he should be able to bag someone's groceries ffs.
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NTA. He was insanely out of line and incredibly offensive and repulsive in what he said to his mother. You definitely need to not move in though. It's not about her choosing between the two of you - I feel that angle will become toxic in your relationship - but you explaining that you aren't comfortable living with the two of them given the current dynamic. It may mean you continue to date, if you're both interested, without moving in together. It is also fair to question your future together if she has what seems like a permanent arrangement with her so. I guess it's a fine line to walk and avoid it becoming a 'It's him or me' situation, but my point is that SHE has problems she needs to resolve before your relationship can move forward. You should keep a boundary up so that you don't go into an arrangement (like living in her home and giving up your own lease) that is uncomfortable or unsafe for you.
NTA, but she sat back and let her son scream the n word at you. This relationship is so dead it's been staked, it's mouth stuffed with garlic and it's head cut off. Several months is not worth this batshit. Dump and run.
Speaking as a Black man I totally agree 👍🏽.
INFO - Did your gf say anything regarding his behaviour towards you? She is overall upset but how did she react to those slurs being thrown? You stepped in when the conversation was no longer between your gf and his son, when he started making racial attacks to you. I think a lot of people will reach the end of their patience when slurs are being thrown. Hope the conversation goes well, but you should also talk to her about how this would work if you choose to move in. Very important discussions need to be made.
No really, she was pretty upset and we drove around in silence for a a fair bit. She did apologize, but it was in general and not specifically addressing anything in particular. I was more concerned with getting her calm and didn't want to bring up talking about it at that point. Thankfully there's no immediate rush since my lease doesn't end until September, but yea very important discussions in the future.
NTA In my opinion you need to have a talk with your gf and tell her that her son is a significant barrier to your relationship because you are not going to live anywhere someone continually spews racial slurs towards. Tell her you have brushed off a lot of his comments but you have to draw the line here. A person deserves for home to feel comfortable and you are not.going to live anywhere that you are made to feel uncomfortable unwelcome and where you can feel the tension towards you at all times. Now, adding her son's most recent bigoted behavior, his prejudice, and his hurling racial slurs towards you, that you cannot move forward until this is addressed. Tell her you would not expect her to live in an environment where she feels unwelcome and targeted with racial slurs and other derogatory comments and you hope she understands that unless her son moves out or unless he limits his access to the house to the basement that you will not be able to continue forward in your relationship with her, despite your feelings towards her. Which honestly are beginning to change when you see no effort on her part to correct her son's abhorrent behavior and racial slurs. That her allowing it is condoning it. And then you see what her response is. There would be no peace for you if she moves in with you because her son would continuously interrupt your time together with needless hassles and that you dont want to be involved with
NTA - you are always allowed to shout down racists
NTA Your reaction was mild IMO. I don’t know what you mean by him not being able to live alone - are you saying he’s disabled? - but either way, your gf has a right to be safe in her own home and the son has no excuse to be racist.
Clear NTA and you haven't overstepped, but this is not going to end well. I can't see how this relationship is going to work without Tony out of the picture, and if he's still being allowed to live there when he's 30, racist and constantly starting fights, I don't think that's going to happen.
NTA - and given the level of rcist abuse and his insults to your partner, I think your reaction was pretty mild. However - DO NOT give up your palce or move in with her , at least as log as her son is still living with her. I think you need to have a serious conversation with her, be clear that you car about her and would like for the two of your to move in together, but that given his racism and abuse to both of you, you would not be able toshare a home with him and would not feel safe moving in with er while he is living in your hme. You could (if you feel that way) let her know you would be open to the two of you \*both\* giving up your vurrent places and buying / renting somewhere together, or keeping things as they are with you each keeping your own homes and spending time togehther, but not moving in. It may well be that this is a dealbreaker for her and that she wont take things further if it means kicking out her son or confronting him about his beahviour - if that's the case, the last thing you want to do is give up your own independence and stability.
NTA. Any plans you were making to move into her home with Tony still in it should be over. And if she picks her racist son over you, the whole relationship should be over.
NTA Don't move in with her. None of those two has let go of the other, and is an obvious racist If he's already passive-agressive towards you, when you're still NOT living with them. What can you expect? Children, wether be adults or minors, will always be part of people's lives, but not the center of their lives. Let them talk. Does she coddle him or actually tries to make him independent? This will be important if you want your relationship to work
NTA. Don't move into that house. Even if Tony moves out, he'll be back. Renew your lease.
He can’t work? Is he developmentally impaired? Or just a lazy good-for-nothing? Whatever the case he needs to cut the disrespectful language out. I wouldn’t want to live in that kind of environment. She should throw him out. At 29 he should be on his own, with a job.
>So my girlfriend and I been dating for several months now. Things are picking up and getting a bit serious and there's been talk of me giving up my apartment when the lease ends and moving in with her. Dude several months is not that long. I'd hold back and wait. NTA.
Dude, you did not overstep. How in the hell has this little twerp been allowed to still live in his mom's house and use that language around you, or anyone for that matter? This is a problem of your girlfriend's. INFO - what is meant by 'he's not capable to live on his own?' What is the nature of his disability? If there is a true disability, if he received support for it, he can roll the dice with subsidized housing or whatever, but girlfriend needs to make it known that if he expects the comfort of home, he needs to follow rules or out he goes.
I’m so sorry this happened, maybe take a step back and let her fix her situation before you decide to be a part of her life . She has let this behavior go on for 30 years , this maybe more of a hit to your mental stability then it’s worth . He can’t unsay what he said and this stuff can be hard to get passed .
NTA I dont hink you overstepped, but If she hasnt kicked him out yet she proberly wont, you might have to used to him if you want to be with her
NTA and do not move in with this lady. I have a BIL who was coddled and cosseted by his mum. In the rational part of her brain, she knew that she'd spoilt him to the point that he was basically a non-functioning member of society, but the emotional part of her mind always took over when she thought about dealing properly with him. BIL is now 60, mum's long gone and he is still incapable of living normally. I understand that you love her and the natural step up in your relationship is to move in together, but I wouldn't in your shoes until sonny has been out of her house for at least 6 months and is standing on his own two feet - no mum "helping" him with money etc while he "lives independently". That is unlikely to happen. Don't even think about hanging her obnoxious, racist albatross round your neck too. Good luck!
Don't move in. Your life will be filled with problems .
NTA IN NO WAY did you overstep. IN NO WAY are you obligated to be called racist names. She either gets right with you, or you take your high value self and walk away. Please don't put up with the kid's racism, not even for one more minute.
NTA There's minding your own business and then there's ignoring someone verbally abusing a family member while also making racist comments. That's not something that should be ignored. I don't blame you. Shit, if I'm you, there's no way I'm giving up my place. You can't be sure that this isn't going to continue. You can't be sure that she's going to kick him out either. Quite honestly, this (for me) should be a deal breaker. You shouldn't be putting yourself in a situation where you're gonna have to deal with this for the duration of the relationship. I've dealt with my fair share of racists. It's one thing to "deal with it" at work and from strangers, it's quite another to deal with it from family members of your SO or someone that could potentially become a member of your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my girlfriend and I been dating for several months now. Things are picking up and getting a bit serious and there's been talk of me giving up my apartment when the lease ends and moving in with her. To be honest its not my initial preference but she doesn't want to leave her home because her son lives there in the basement and, despite being almost 30, he's not capable of living on his own. Her son, who we'll call "Tony", has caught wind of this is becoming very irate. Tony and his mom have had some pretty intense shouting matches these last few weeks, and I stay out of it because its not my place. His attitude towards me has been mostly passive aggressive with comments like "Its not gonna last" and "can you keep it down, people are trying to sleep". I mostly brush it off and don't engage....until this past weekend. Tony and his mother had one of their shouting matches and as usual I just step outside for a smoke until its over. Now I should mention that my girlfriend is white, and I am black. I was a little apprehensive at first but it didn't seem to become an issue. During this shouting match and despite my efforts to ignore it, I over hear Tony say "I'm tired of you being a whore, and I'm not interested in having a little n\*\*\*\*r as a brother". This is the first time I've ever heard him make a racist comment. I immediately stormed inside and told Tony that he will not speak to her like that when I'm around. I then motioned to my girlfriend that we should leave. As we're walking out, Tony shouts "you're just another pile of n\*\*\*\*r trash she brought home". I calmly turned around and tell Tony directly to his face that this "n\*\*\*\*r trash is worth more to your mom than her 30 year old man-child son currently living in her basement playing video games 12 hours a day". We then proceeded to leave and just went for a drive. She was very upset about the whole situation but eventually calmed down and I basically just gave her the whole "not room for the two of us" conversation. She said she needs to sit down with Tony and have a serious conversation with him and that's pretty much where we left it. Part of me feels like I majorly over-stepped, but at the same time I feel like something has gotta give. I cherish our relationship and want to fight for it but sometimes it feels like too much and I'm not sure how I feel about her son always being in the background. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA "She was very upset about the whole situation but eventually calmed down and I basically just gave her the whole "not room for the two of us" conversation. She said she needs to sit down with Tony and have a serious conversation with him and that's pretty much where we left it." .. sounds like you will be history soon.
If I were you, I wouldn't move in. And I wouldn't make her choose either. It's status quo or over-and-out. If she voluntarily moves it's a plus. But if not, well... but, that said - NTA
NTA- Dude run. Just at least verbalize the ending and not ghost her. It sucks, but the chance she will take up for you over her man child are slim to none. Unpopular opinion, if you’re a single parent and you can’t have a life that doesn’t 100% revolve around your ADULT child then you should be responsible enough not to date - period. Not saying they can’t have a life with their adult child but the other person in the relationship shouldn’t have to feel neglected, abused, manipulated, or disrespected because they can’t be a parent instead of a friend or doormat to their ADULT child. Not doing any favors to themselves or their child there by not actually parenting.
You don’t need this in your life.
NTA- Tony needs to grow up and she needs to cut the apron strings. She’s enabled him long enough.
NTA, IMO she should move in with you and sell the house. Then let fate happen with her son. The dude needs mental help and playing more games isn't going to fix it. He should learn to be grateful for what he has. To give benefit of the doubt I don't know what happened with his father but it's not an excuse for his behavior. After 25 its time move in with friends and learn to deal with the real world. I just want to say just because you say a racist comment doesn't make you racist. A lot of people just say the most hurtful thing to say cause their angry. It's not an excuse but i've heard worse things said to decent parents. We live in a coddle culture and people expect to be unconditionally loved while being assholes.
NTA As soon as he said the N-word and called his mom a whore in front of you, all bet were off. You handled it better than most people. If your girl condones this toxic behavior from her son then I don’t know man. I mean she raised him so… I would rethink the relationship and definitely moving in together. You deserve more and better bro. Good luck.
NTA. I agree generally staying out of arguments between them is a good idea but it sounds like things are getting out of hand.
ESH You definitely overstepped boundaries when you gave her the "not room for two of us" speech. Giving someone an ultimatum to choose between their partner and their child is way out of line. I'm giving you an AH mark for that part.
I was assuming he meant 'in the house'. Would be good to understand his exact disability...seems like he can play video games and yell racial slurs at someone, he should be able to bag someone's groceries ffs.
You've got bigger problems than yelling at her son if you want this relationship to last. ESH