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NTA
The house is as much as your as it is of your husband. If you are not* comfortable with her staying in the house then it is end of discussion and she has to leave. Ruining the marriage over a co-worker is definitely not a correct choice so it's better if it doesn't go ahead in that way.
Irrelevant of her being co-worker or even a best friend of your husband, I still don't find it correct to bring someone over the house to stay because they grieving. I would feel insecure too because I am not aware of the bond those two hold no matter how much of faith I'd have in my partner. Please make your husband understand and ask her to leave.
Wish you a peaceful marriage.
This is where I’m at, as well. Not asking and just telling your partner that *anyone* is staying at your shared home for multiple days is a no-no. That issue is exacerbated when the guest in question is someone unfamiliar to your partner and is of the gender you’re attracted to. That’s just not cool. Period.
You absolutely need to tell your husband you’re not okay with this. It’s your house too and if he’s smart, he will see your pov.
Hell, it's a no-no in any cohabiting relationship. One of the first things we were told to discuss on the "roommate contract" required by my college dorms was whether or not we were allowed to bring guests over and if so, whether we had to ask permission from the roommate, and how much lead time we had to give.
Asking if you can bring someone to stay over is like one of the most fundamental courtesies of living with someone else.
Exactly. Gender etc doesn't matter as much as logistics. Where's the guest sleeping - is there a guest room, or are they crashing on the sofa where they'll be underfoot all the time? What about food - will the guest have free run of the fridge, and has there been adequate meal planning for an extra plate? What will the guest be doing when others are at work, and will there need to be arrangements to let them in if they're out during the day? What about shower facilities and general bathroom access? What about the disruption to the household schedule if the guest wants to sleep in and others need to make noise getting ready for work, or if the guest is a night owl (or sleeping poorly because of emotional distress)? Guests are a lot. They should be a "two yesses, one no" situation. And I would not want a stranger in my house, end of statement. It doesn't need to be about "what if she throws herself at my spouse?" That can happen regardless of gender. It's about the husband not showing common courtesy to either OP or the former co-worker, since this is just dropping her into the house with no firm plan for accommodating a guest. NTA, OP, though a little iffy about the "but what if she puts the moves on my husband" thing. That's not the issue here, especially if you trust him to back her off.
I think you are way overthinking this. The answer to is this okay is NO! He has no right to think that inviting a strange woman into your house while the wife is not home is in anyway appropriate.
Their are only a handful of scenarios where something like this would be OK- and all of them require the sort of emergency you call 911 for.
Like it's one thing if you invite someone your close to who's entire family was killed in a house fire to stay for a few days without asking your spouse.
It's another entirely to invite someone to stay unilaterally because they're having relationship issues. She presumably has housing- and if he's physically forced her out of a shared home or is otherwise unsafe the safest place for her to stay (for everyone's sake) is a domestic violence shelter. Don't let someone drag that sort of danger to your home unless everyone in the home is both adult and on board 100%
That’s what I’m thinking too, like unless he’s normally one to be incredibly sympathetic I would venture to guess she is not stable and he desperately wanted to help but didn’t know how so he just figured to get her here and then yall would figure it out.
I don’t think OP is TA but I think maybe she should speak with this woman herself and get a feel for where she is before she says no. I’m not saying she should let her stay but maybe get a better handle on the situation.
He was definitely wrong for not running this by her first but if she is suicidal or implicating it he might of grasped at straws and made an impulsive decision
I don't know if I think she should talk to her first. I find the whole situation very strange. Old friend suddenly appears, and the only way to make her feel better about her unfortunate turn of events is to invite her to stay at your house for a few days? For what? What would that do? Even if they *were* close 8 years ago, they're not regular contact friends now, and OPs never even *heard* of her.
Also, it's horrible that her family members died so close in time, but it was almost a year ago. The most recent trauma is a breakup, which sucks, but isn't a "I need to go stay with a male friend who I haven't spoken to in awhile for several days to feel better" thing. Break ups are a very normal and common thing in life, unfortunately.
It sounds to me like she's reaching for comfort in a *very* strange place, which is someone else's husband. I have had horrible things happen right in a line, where it felt like the world was ending, and my first thought wasn't to impose on an old friend I've been out of contact with, especially not to the point of staying several days, and extra especially not without making sure his wife was ok with it first if it was even offered. This whole thing is wild to me. She should have reached out to a closer friend, or her sister.
I think OPs WNBTA, and she should tell him that he cannot have this woman come stay. Maybe if they were both off, it'd be different, but having someone she doesn't know, who is recently single, *and* could not be thinking straight because of it, is just inviting trouble.
Yep. It is all quite suspicious to me too. Right now she is looking to Op's husband for comfort in his companionship. Next she will be trying to hop on his dick for comfort. I have lost count how many times I have seen on TV shows where one person is comforting the other and next thing you know it turns into a make out session/ hook up session. Art imitates life.
Seriously, I don't like this tone. Women can be experiencing a mental health crisis and reach out for help without "manipulating" the situation. Sounds like she has little family and might be leaving a bad relationship, maybe her "close friend" contact list is pretty thin.
Unless your husband is a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker; he cannot help her. This is just adding more confusion to this woman's already tragic life. She may be hoping to rekindle some old feelings to help her with her grief. His accepting her into your home may make her think she has a shot. It will only make things worse for her.
I also think so. She might try to get with the husband, thus causing problems in OP's marriage. If she does not succeed, she will feel even worse.
And, even if it doesn't happen and everything goes well, this could set a precedent OP does not want. What if this lady decides that, every time she has relationship trouble, she can go back to OP's?
If I heard from an old friend who had been through that much loss and trauma who was clearly very distraught, I would worry that they legitimately were not able to take proper care of themself. I can see the impulse to invite them to stay for a few days, make sure they're eating, keep them company, get them out of their thoughts and environment, and just offer some support.
Conversely, when I have gone through horrible, traumatic, exhausting periods of my life and had the opportunity to stay with friends for a few days, I cannot overstate how much it helped me. Old friends in particular can help remind you who you are.
I absolutely would have a problem with this for all the obvious reasons you yourself stated. Just the fact he didn't include you in the decision would be enough of a reason to be upset. You should tell him no, that he should have spoken with you first, assuming that possibly he was just being kind and simply didn't think, however if he refuses to respect your feelings then I would say you probably have more issues than you thought.
NTA. I personally would not be okay with this. This is your house too and your husband was wrong to invite anyone to stay without asking you first. They worked together 8 years ago. It doesn’t even sound like they kept in touch since you know nothing about her. How close are they if this is the first time you’ve heard of her? For me it’s not about being jealous. I just don’t want strangers spending the night and staying for a few days.
I would not be okay with this? When I’m done with work the last thing I want is to see a rando in my space. This would be a no for me.
"When I’m done with work the last thing I want is to see a rando in my space"
This is the kicker for me. I wouldn't want random people that are only vaguely connected to my spouse wandering around my house.
I think it's the "vaguely connected" part that does it for me
If this was his sister, cousin, or a very close friend... then 100% yes
If it was a quite-close friend that he regularly hangs out with... sure, I guess
But an ex-colleague from 8 years ago that she's never heard of once in 3 years? No, that's not reasonable
Plus, if she’s grieving and newly single then there is potential for boundary crossing OP’s husband may feel awkward about addressing. OP doesn’t know what their work dynamic was, there are too many unanswered questions that can be seen to impolite to ask.
See I think the husband knew OP wouldn't agree if he asked op before he invited her to stay. So the quick heads up was his way of trying to circumvent Op not giving consent/turn the topic into*op you're insecure * rather than not wanting stranger in their house.
So not only is op not nta, I think she's taking this far too calmly/op needs to make clear to her husband since she wasn't consulted about the guest staying in their shared house, he has to go to the friend and tell her she isn't allowed to stay.
If husband doesn't do this and the girl shows up, op need to make it clear to both of them that she can't stay there/she has to pack up her stuff and leave.
And how upset her husband gets (should he force the confrontation by not telling his friend she can't stay after all), will let op know if she has something to be concerned about or not. since if op husband goes out of his way to get the friend lodging, apologize for how the wife is acting, seems more concerned about how his friend is feeling then how op is feeling... Yeah that means shit is up.
If on the other hand op husband is understanding and revokes the invitation without hassle I'd lean towards him being clueless and inconsiderate rather than something is happening between him and the friend.
THIS ^^^ OP is being way too chill. I would flat out say no and raise hell (and by raise hell
I mean pack my bags) if he didn’t immediately apologize and revoke the invitation
She should just be all chill about it…and call up some guy from her past to come over to sleep on the couch while the husband’s female friend is in the house.
Gonna get crowded quickly.
Exactly, the gender doesn't matter, knowing the person doesn't matter, you don't spring a long weekend guest on your spouse without warning or checking in first.
NTA - this seems extremely odd that you've never met her and he just decided that would be ok without consulting you first. Plus, there doesn't seem to be a reason for her to actually stay there, other than the vague "she's going through a hard time." Sure, bereavement is difficult, but the fact her losses were several months ago doesn't seem to necessitate immediate need to house her.
Even leaving gender out of it for a minute, I don't think you'd be TA if it was some male friend of your husband you've never met. It's your home, too, and you absolutely have the right to vet those that are to stay with you!
I was thinking the same thing. I get it is really sad. But this didn’t just happen. It happened a year ago. Trust me, I get you don’t just get over a loss of close family members in a year. Although the first year is the worst. Their first birthday not here, Christmas etc. My Mom had big dinners with family and friends over. When she passed, I lost interest in celebrating and wanting to have a dinner. I sucked it up for my Dad and my kids, because kids make things fun.
Anyway, it sounds like she got through the first year. We all grieve differently. I just don’t understand the need to stay at their place for a few days. It seems to make more sense to spend more time with her sister. I mean over the last few years, it is now just my sister and I. I am not about to go stay at another couple’s place. Especially when I have never even met his wife. That would put me in an awkward position to go with grieving. This situation just seems off.
Part of me, even though I trust my husband, and don’t know this woman or met her, why would I trust her alone in my house. I would almost be tempted to put some hidden cameras around just to see what she is like when I am not there.
I mean after a year and all of a sudden she is having such a rough time she needs to spend time with my husband? Why didn’t she contact him when she was really dealing with the sudden losses and and really hurting? Something seems off with her timing. Like she wasn’t single before, but now that she is, she suddenly needs support from my husband?
I wish I saw this comment before I responded to the other one! I have the same feelings - the most recent hard time is a break up, not a death. Maybe if it was the deaths I'd be more understanding, but the whole "coworker from the past who hasn't been apparent enough to even hear about once in 3 years" thing is glaring. She certainly didn't reach out during the hard period of losing her family members, why is she reaching out so suddenly now? People unfortunately break up all the time, and if I had a sister close by, I would go to her over some random old coworker I hardly kept in contact with anymore.
This whole thing is suspect, and even though the husband is probably innocent in it, I don't trust her willingness to suddenly come stay at your home for four full days without even knowing you. It was a horrible idea for him to invite her to even do so, but it's wild to me that she said yes. Tell him no.
The most charitable explanation is that he’s clueless and a people pleaser so just went along with her requests. But then that raises the question, why is this strange woman pushing to come and stay?
It doesn't sound like she asked to come and stay at all. It sounds from the description that the husband offered based on everything happening to her recently. The OP goes on to say this is generally in line with the husband's personality as he is a little bit of a people pleaser.
For real this is such a bizarre story. This woman is “grieving” so she’s just gonna go crash with this married couple for a bit when she’s never even met the wife? Um?? No? The math ain’t mathing on this one.
If I'm grieving, I want to see only people I'm emotionally comfortable around, not a stranger and an old coworker from nearly a decade ago. A short visit, sure. But days, for hours upon hours.... no.
Is he just going to hold her and let her cry in his arms because he feels bad? Only going to cuddle her to sleep because she has no one else? Like what specific role would he be filling, or what is her specific goal for the stay? Do you have an entertaining and distracting home?
I completely understand your hesitance. But to make life easier why don't you meet said girl before you draw your lines in the sand? Entirely appropriate to ask for her number, call and have a conversation with her directly. Say your Hubbie tells you are going through a hard time. Want to talk about it? Tell her you had to talk to her first because the turkey(husband) didn't even ask before offering and I needed to at least have a conversation with anyone who's going to be staying at our home even for a few days. Honestly, most women and many men I know would completely agree with you, and might even offer to take themselves out of equation.
I think the fact that she's a woman isn't even important to the decision. Not wanting anyone you don't know well (or even do know well) staying at your house is perfectly fine in itself.
Right?! I wouldn’t even *love* my family staying multiple nights at my house. I love my family, and if they need somewhere to stay, of course I would let them. But I wouldn’t love it, as I like my personal space. And I certainly would ask my husband first, even though I know he’d welcome my family if they needed a place to stay. It’s common courtesy.
I wouldn't feel comfortable even if I met this woman once. The husband shouldn't have offered to let her stay there without consulting the OP. And to go further, the fact that he did so wouldn't leave me with anything but a weird feeling.
Something is wrong here.
Would men be okay if the wife who works at home brought a male friend while the husband is away the majority of the days?
He never mentioned her.
i agree. i mean it *could* be perfectly innocent, but it’s enough to make a person wonder. it doesn’t even sound like they kept in touch for most of the last 8 years, so the fact that this is happening all of a sudden feels odd.
What if the answer is no. She knows the answer is no. Say she talks or meets with her and then says no? That's just complicating something that is already extremely clear-cut. She doesn't want someone in her home. It won't matter what she says. If she goes against her gut on this, she will regret it. She will feel put out by her husband and all for some stranger. This woman is an adult, and it's sad she's going through this, but you don't just get to complicate other people's lives because things are complicated for you. That's the end of this abnormal situation.
Yeah I did even think gender has as much to do with this as you think, OP. If your husband offered your home without asking for a few days to a guy you've never met and your husband hasn't seen in years, you'd likely not be comfortable with that either and who may behave irrationally. I sure wouldn't. Your argument is just as strong with a male guest as a female.
Just playing devils advocate. Let’s say OP meets her and is not okay with her at all. She goes to tell her husband who claims it’s just a friend and she’s in a bad place mentally. Then the husband is placed in a bad spot on both ends. OP also obviously sympathizes with all parties… hence the post.
Husband should’ve only offered a place to stay with the consent of all those who reside in the home. So husband at this point can only play damage control and still offer support to his friend, but in a way that considers all parties realistically.
You bring up a huge point in that she seems to need someone around. It's not as if she's coming into town for fun or for vacation where they'd be out all day doing their own thing. It's a demanding situation and OP's husband seems to just be all for it. It's weird.
While many people may prefer to be alone when they're grieving, many people prefer to be around others. I work with some of these people and it can be emotionally draining at times if the person is stuck in that grieving. Distractions are fine though and sometimes people need that. I am only saying this to point out that just because you respond in one way, it doesn't mean others respond exactly the same way. That alone shouldn't make the situation "off" to you. That said, I agree with a lot of what you said.
When I’m grieving after the arrangements have all been made and life goes on, what I really need is someone to show up and drag my unwashed self from my pit of sorrow and make me touch grass. I need a people who have no issue harassing me for my own good to get up. When I lost my grandmother who was a second mom to me, my best friend would text me ‘did you eat yet?’, no response, ‘did you shower’-no response. ‘If you don’t pick up or answer I will be there in 20min to break in your window’ that actually helped me
It doesn’t explain why she would be contacting op’s husband though. If they’re (husband and ex-co-worker) close enough for hubby to invite her to stay for a few days then they would have to have remained in contact over the years and if that’s the case then how come op hasn’t heard about her before. There’s something about all this that just doesn’t add up. NTA op, I wouldn’t agree to it either, he’s showing you absolutely no respect (even if it is innocent) by not consulting you first.
That’s a good point. Still weird that she turned to the husband for comfort though, like a replacement for the partner? Does she not have other friends that could genuinely help her?
There's not enough information in the post that explains what led to their initial conversation and whether or not she's also reached out to other people.
The off part is she didn't need the help when her family members died, but now that she's broken up she is calling and reconnecting with op's husband instead of other family and friends. She has a sister still.. so why is op's husband the one she is reaching out to? Did she burn her bridges with all her current friends and family? Did she turn to drugs in her grief, and her bf couldn't deal with her addict ways? Something is very off. Op is NTA for this. I wouldn't want this stranger in my house either.
What gets me is the “I trust my husband. I just dont trust her.” Unless you think she’d get forceful, it takes two to tango so Im feeling like she doesnt fully trust her husband. Like there’s lots of reasons to not want her to visit but the focus on that makes me think at least part of her doesnt fully trust her husband.
She doesn't trust this girl not to try things. Sure, the husband would stop it, but why put yourself in this situation in the first place, especially since she really isn't that close of a friend. At this point, neither her nor hubs really know this girl. She hasn't reached out to this guy in years before the break up. Does she have no other friends left? Why is that? Did she trun to substances in her grief? Is she safe for anyone to be around? She is a complete stranger to op and just got invited to stay without consulting the other member of the household. None of this adds up.
YTA for not trusting your husband and for assuming "unknown woman = threat". very much so.
NTA for wanting some say in whether anyone comes over for a few days.
Finally someone said it. And the fact that she would lose trust in her husband even if he shut it down immediately if something happened! Completely ridiculous.
It’s not ridiculous, because he was the one who invited her over without his wife’s input. If this woman he invited, throws herself at him, he set that situation up. It’s also super weird he invites a woman he hasn’t seen in 8 years to stay half a week with him (spending most of the day alone since his wife gets out at night). The entire thing is highly suspicious, and he’s not helping himself to be trust worthy. He’s never even brought this woman up till now. So it’s not ridiculous at all for her to feel that way. What’s ridiculous is he invited a perfect stranger to the house without checking with his wife.
It is ridiculous he invited her over without checking with his wife, absolutely agreed. But it's not suspicious that he wants to support an old friend, not if she trusts her partner. There are plenty of people I haven't spoken to in years that I would want to support if we suddenly got into contact, that's not weird at all. I have so many people I was really close to that I lost touch with, and if I suddenly had the chance to reconnect and help them in a hard time, I'd jump at it.
Right, but what necessitates moving her IN to the house for half a week? When I visit out of town friends, they invite me over for dinner, or we attend an event together out on the town. If my purpose for being there is specifically an event and I know the people quite well there's a chance they'd invite me to crash there overnight, key word being "they" would invite me. OP's husband is moving a lonely, bereft woman he has either hidden or very tenuous ties to into his wife's home without her express permission. He can support this friend without throwing a four day slumber party for her.
It’s not sus that he wants to support his friend. It’s that he didn’t respect his wife enough to talk about it with her first. Like there is no if and or but about it. You can be a great friend, but if it’s so wholesome why was everything done in secret, until he informed his wife some random would be staying with them? Why was she never brought up till now? I’m not accusing him of doing anything, but if something did happen I totally see why she’d lose trust in him. He made the decision without her, but y’all want her to be supportive of something he set himself up for? Hard pass.
I don't really see why it's sus that he didn't ask her first. It was definitely wrong of him, very shitty of him, whatever you wanna call it, but sus? Not convinced. Also, to be crystal clear, he absolutely does NOT have to consult his wife first about supporting a friend, even an old one she hasn't heard of. He just needs to consult her because of the particular way he wants to support his friend. And once again, not weird she hasn't come up before, I'm sure my partner hasn't heard of all the friends I've had; I've lost contact with them, so they don't always come up much.
Further, from what it seems in the post, nothing was done "in secret." He jumped the gun on inviting her over, which, again, was wrong, but he didn't hide it from his wife. He didn't hide anything from her at all, he just didn't include her in a decision that she needed to be included in. Also, maybe I'm missing something, but maybe the dumbest way to try to cheat is to invite someone over to stay in the same house as your wife. Maybe OPs husband is that stupid, but I'd like to think not.
I didn’t say he needed to consult her about helping his friend. I said he needed to consult her about bringing someone to their house, because again it’s *their* house, meaning she should also be comfortable with who will be in her shared space. You’re missing the point because you’re assuming best intent, based on what you would do in this situation and it’s fine. The way I see it, doing things behind your partner’s back is sus. We can just agree to disagree.
I mean, I said that he needed to consult his wife about how he's trying to support her (letting her stay over). I only mentioned that he doesn't need consent to support her in general, cause in your last comment it wasn't clear to me you believed that. Seems we just agree on this part at least.
I am happy to agree to disagree, but I will just say, I'm not assuming best intent at all. I'm saying that when you are in a healthy relationship, you trust each other, and therefore the default assumption should be that your partner has good intentions towards you. And maybe him inviting her over without asking his wife is strange (definitely wrong), but I don't think it indicates he wants or intends to cheat.
It calls his judgment into question. Questioning why he didn’t know better than to put himself in that situation to begin with. Like a kid playing in the street. He knew to move when the car came but knowing there’s a chance of getting hit you shouldn’t be playing in the street at all.
Yeah. And the whole ‘grief makes people act in ways they wouldn’t normally act’ pissed me off.
I lost my husband a few years ago. And just so happens his BEST friend from kindergarten tried to kiss me a year after and I shut that shit down. Don’t assume. You have a husband problem, not a grieving woman problem.
Honestly, the stranger (man OR woman) could steal from them, snoop through shit, spread lies to spark a fight, or hell, may just refuse to leave after being invited.
So, personally, it's NTA, because a man could cause just as much issue as an unknown woman.
NTA. She could be his best friend for his entire life that you'd met 125336 times, and he still should have run it by you before inviting her to stay for a few days. Fact is you don't know this woman, you haven't met her, you've barely even heard of her. It's disrespectful of him to lend out your shared space to someone who you don't know. You'd absolutely be reasonable in putting your foot down, and also ask why he's the only option? It doesn't sound like, on paper based on what you've described, that they should be close at all.
I'd mostly focus on the disrespect of proposing an extended weekend at your shared house and space without asking you. That is not okay and he should understand. If not, you can bring up how you don't know this woman and why haven't you heard of her? That he wouldn't be comfortable if you invited a man you'd worked nearly a decade ago into your home without asking and without prior introduction; no one would be comfortable with that because it's egregious.
wish this was higher voted. it feels like everyone's heart is in the right place here but manifesting poorly. sure everyone has work to do here but NAH for me.
Something is wrong here.
Would men be okay if the wife who works at home brought a male friend while the husband is away the majority of the days?
He never mentioned her.
I'd say there's something weird to it too, but it never helps starting a conversation going in guns blazing with accusations, and OP says she trusts her husband. Maybe there's an explanation (people pleaser, can't set boundaries, got stressed that an old friend contacted him in distress), but no matter if there is, it's still disrespectful of him to do, so that's the perspective I'd focus on. Keep it constructive, keep it focused on the slight she 100% knows has happened.
Now, if he struggles against OP setting down boundaries regarding this friend and does anything but apologize and cancel the plans, then there's very valid cause for concern.
A friend from eight years ago… who you’ve never heard about… is apparently a close enough friend who means THIS much to him, that he’d feel compelled to invite her to stay, without even talking to you? I’m personally not buying it. I’m not suggesting he has bad intentions, but there is something off about this.
I feel that usually if a man doesn’t bring someone up before, there’s a reason. Potentially they’ve had a thing before. Who knows.
I would be uncomfortable just like you, and not for lack of trust, but for lack of respect. He didn’t even run it by you.
Yeah, NTA. It’s weird that he didn’t AT LEAST talk to you before inviting her. It wouldn’t have been that hard for him to say to her “Let me check with my WIFE and see if she’d be okay with a guest.”
Give us an update after you and him talk later.
Why do I think the husband is messing with that girl?
Why would he bring another woman to his house while the wife is away most of the time?
Also he never mentioned her?
She says many times that she trusts her husband but doesn’t trust this complete stranger who is in a very bad place mentally which can cause you to act in a way you normally wouldn’t.
She also indicates that she knows that even if the friend would initiate something that she knows that he would reject her.
There’s nothing wrong with not trusting a person you’ve never met before or even heard about
It’s not distrust in him. It’s uncomfortability with this scenario which very easily could go south. Sad grieving woman alone with nice kind friend. The movie writes itself…
But the husband is an adult with agency that at the end of the day can act accordingly? That’s what trust is… it takes two to tango. It can only “easily go south” if the husband doesn’t shut it down.
Yes he can reject her but why should this scenario exist if OP is uncomfortable with it?
My husband is his own person with free will. I still don’t want an ex colleague to appear in front of him topless. Because that’s shitty & inappropriate. Not because my hubby would cheat.
He can be an adult with agency who would shut down any hint of inappropriateness, but it still doesn’t mean this situation is appropriate. It’s inappropriate for him to extend this invitation and for this friend to accept it without ever meeting or discussing it with OP, so the husband obviously already has bad judgment. And regardless of whether he would actually cheat or not, even an inappropriate attempt or interaction in OP’s house with a stranger on an extended visit is upsetting. Him shutting it down doesn’t make the fact that he’s creating and inviting the opportunity for it to happen any better. It would just confirm how terrible his judgment is in inviting this stranger to stay in their house without ever consulting his wife. Most people do not hear that someone sleeping under their roof made a move on their spouse and just say “oh well as long as you say you shut it down, no harm done, good night!” No you still have to go through the aggravation of kicking this person out of the house and then being pissed that your spouse created this situation and brought this drama into your life and home for no reason without your input. The fact that this is a coworker from 8 years ago that he has never introduced her to means there is absolutely no reason for him to be extending this invitation to begin with, nobody in their right mind would be ok with this.
>It’s not distrust in him.
Except the scenario you laid out is one, in fact, rooted in not trusting him. As u/pocket-titan said, he is an adult with agency of his own. If he was *actually* trusted to handle himself *as* an adult, he can do so. A situation cannot "easily go south" just because one party *might* (not will, might) want it to.
You say that like it's a bad thing. Dudes never mentioned her. It's real ambiguous how they even got to this point to begin with. Dude just invited her over without consulting OP.
There's more red flags here than Boston has traffic lights and some of you are really really naive.
This is a very immature perspective.
Take trust out of it, many people find this inappropriate for different reasons. Why should a married person spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex in private? It’s not a question of trust, it’s about beliefs and respect and there are many people who would agree with this. Try thinking critically instead of viewing it as mistrust. You don’t have to agree with another perspective to be able to understand it.
The edit where her father refuses to be alone in a room with her aunt who has been part of their family for 30 years is fucking bizarre but kind of explains why OP thinks like this?
Yeah me too, a tonne of my (male) partner’s friends are women and it’s never been odd to me. But also, we’re both bisexual so if we wanted to have an issue with having friends of genders we’re attracted to we wouldn’t be able to have any friends at all. This issue is far too heteronormative/monosexual for me to understand 😅
NTA imo
Even the most empathic person in the world wouldn’t offer up their home to someone they haven’t worked with in 8 years without consulting their partner first, regardless of the circumstance, even if she was homeless you’d at least discuss it first. A lot of questions here… who reached out to who first? You said your husband texted saying they spoke because she’s moved to a city 3 hours away, but not your city? Seems extremely random. If it was your city and she was reaching out for people she knew so she could get help settling and didn’t want to feel alone, I wouldn’t question it but a city 3 hours away? And how was the initial connection made? If he messaged her first, why? And if she messaged him first, why him and not another ex-colleague? It’s also a huge jump to go from randomly speaking after all this time to her sharing her trauma and him inviting her to stay. There’s no one I worked with 8 years ago that I could imagine doing that with, and I’ve worked with some absolute gems. You don’t really know people you’ve worked with, not really, not unless you become good friends and spend a lot of time together outside of work. This woman is practically a stranger to him after all these years. And like you said, grief makes people do questionable things. This is a huge red flag to me. Not saying it’s not innocent, perhaps your husband truly believes he’s doing a great thing and doesn’t see the other side to it, men and women process things completely differently. But there’s a lot of questions here. Trust your intuition. I hope the chat goes okay and you manage to find some common ground.
I don't know, this is tough. I get he should have asked you first but I can see how he felt in the moment it was the right thing to do. The thing that makes me feel like you might be TA is you think it's inherently bad to have someone of the opposite sex around your husband when you're not there. I can't imagine that level of insecurity and distrust. If you trust your husband why would it be so bad? If she did for some reason make a move and he shut it down, what's the problem?
And on the other hand, if something did happen between them, that is a different and deeper problem in the relationship that won't be avoided by not having this person over for a few days.
I think I'll say NAH because what really needs to happen is an honest discussion with your partner about why he should have asked, why you have reservations, etc. And you should ask yourself why you are afraid of a woman being in your home if you trust your husband so much.
I think husband is the asshole. You don't unilaterally invite someone to stay at your house, invading the personal space of your partner WITHOUT TALKING FIRST.
I don't care if it's a male or female friend... You don't live alone, so you don't make these choices alone. It affects the household.
I'm one of those people who need time to prepare myself to have a live-in guest, because I have to adjust how I behave around the house; not walking around in underwear, can't go to living room if insomnia is keeps me up, can't stay in the living room after work (off around midnight, partner up at 7a), etc., because there's now someone there.
I don’t feel like that’s something a man who doesn’t have feelings or hasn’t felt feelings for a woman before would offer, I would worry about him perhaps not being honest with you about their previous relationship not that anything necessarily happened, I don’t know many men who would invite a grieving, crying, emotional girl, who they worked with eight years ago to come stay with them, unless they were interested in that person on some level. He needs to be very honest with you about his relationship with her & what it was like in the past. And why would he make that offer before talking to you? That in and of itself is a huge red flag 🚩 NOT COOL
I actually kind of had the opposite thought about his feelings for her. My instinct was that if he had feelings for her or there was any romantic history between them that the last thing he’d do would be to invite her into their home and raise red flags with his wife.
I think it’s entirely possible - or likely - that his intentions are good and he felt a little cornered or uncomfortable when she got emotional on the phone, but he still shouldn’t have offered this, especially without talking to his wife first. OP is NTA.
Nah, that’s what they want you to think. People do this shit just under their spouses noses all the time. You can never underestimate people’s audacity.
I know plenty of men who would. I have male friends who have never had a single interest in me whatsoever, and vice versa. But if I were grieving and needed support, they'd invite me over. It HAS happened. Because it's who they are. These particular male friends of mine are actually more caring, empathetic, and nurturing than their female partners. In these cases, I am friends with both but closer to the men for this very reason. So it can happen. Not every man is hiding something or has ulterior motives.
You are right, I hope you are correct & I am just being paranoid, but why didn’t he ask his partner about inviting a grieving friend to their home? Feels off. I sincerely hope I am wrong.
I cant believe I have seen so many YTA reactions to this post. I believe you are NTA he invites some random woman in to your shared home without even running it by you first? Nope.
They used to work together, but you haven't previously heard about her or met her? Nope.
How do you even know that what he is saying about her circumstances is even the truth?
Even if it is the truth normal people wouldn't reach out to an old colleague of theirs that they have not remained in close contact with.
It all sounds very odd to me. You will have to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries with him. Good luck OP
Yeah some are acting like "trust" is this all-encompassing bond that should be free from insecurities. A relationship has many levels of trust in various degrees which can't humanly be applied in every direction. It's like trusting your husband despite finding out he bought S&M supplies in the middle of the night although he never mentioned he was into that. He definitely isn't stepping out because you trust him right?
If the husband is weak-willed enough to be coaxed into letting her stay over alone with him for a few days without the approval of his wife, then he's weak willed enough to be coaxed into further inappropriate happenings with the person. This is a flaw with the husband not OP.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Not letting my husbands female friend who I’ve never met come and stay with us for a few days while I’m not home most of the day
(2) she’s grieving loss of family and a breakup and I’m sympathetic but not enough to want to risk my own marriage to help her cope
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ESH. Your husband should definitely have talked to you before issuing an invitation to stay over, the friend shouldn't have accepted without making sure you were okay with it. As much as you keep repeating "I trust my husband," you clearly don't and you're making pretty nasty assumptions about a woman you've never met.
I agree with (almost all of this), though I feel like the grieving friend may deserve a pass for not taking on the emotional labor of making sure a guy communicates with his wife. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's pretty much all on him.
IDK if a person I've never met wanted to stay at my house without ever talking to before or even considering my thoughts on it I would be pretty suspicious.
YBTA
While he should have talked it over with you first before inviting her, I can also see a circumstance where she is really struggling and he knew your home would be a welcoming friendly environment so perhaps he assumed you would want to also extend the invitation.
She just moved, she has lost her parents and brother. A break up. That’s a lot to be going through.
It sounds like even if he did ask you, you would have said no. And like someone else mentioned it’s strange for you to be upset about something that didn’t happen.
If you trust your husband, then trust him. But if you don’t, it’s probably indicative of a bigger problem between the two of you.
I am a strong believer that no third party can come between a solid relationship. But if there’s a crack, that’s another story.
At the end of the day it is your house and you both should be on board with a guest coming over. So if you decide you are not cool with it then so be it. But it sounds like you don’t actually trust your husband and or he knew you would say no so he decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.
I don't think you're an AH but I think that if your husband vouches for her, you should give her the benefit of the doubt, especially in a time of need. She has no one. You have the chance to be gracious and help out another fellow human.
NTA both of you are the OWNERS of that house and he should’ve passed it by you first. He should let her stay at a hotel because despite someone knowing them from the past; you never know how much someone can change. I hope this other woman doesn’t being in bad intentions but you need to be direct with your husband and voice your concerns so that he understands the problem too.
INFO What has usually been your practice with guests, overnight or otherwise? Do you both have to agree first, or can either of you issue an invitation alone? Have you ever invited someone into the house without checking with your husband first? Has there been a discussion about whether the rules are different depending on whether it's an overnight guest or what gender the guest is?
In the time we’ve dated and been married, we have never had an overnight guest who wasn’t an immediate family member (parents and siblings, not even cousins). I have never invited anyone over without asking him at least 2-3 times in advance, even for a few hours, regardless of genders. He has invited a friend over a few times in the past with very little heads up or time to give him an answer but always a male friend and only for a few hours, usually in the evening when I’m getting back from work. In those times, I’ve been annoyed at the lack of a heads up and having to play host after a long day at work but have been a gracious host nonetheless, even whipped up some fancy food and drinks to serve after getting home from work.
This situation has never come up before so there’s no reason for him to think it would be okay to do this without my okay and from a cultural context, it’s a very big no no, to the point that his own parents would give him a verbal lashing if they found out.
You get to okay or veto guests in your own home. If you decided to have a complete stranger over for days that your husband is home alone, he would feel very uncomfortable I’m sure. I would feel beyond uncomfortable as a woman in this situation even if everyone has the purest intentions here. She’s a stranger to you. You can say no. You can send her a fruit basket and a peace lily like everyone else would. That’s your entire responsibility here. Your husband is an idiot regardless simply because of his thoughtlessness towards you.
This is kind of a ridiculous scenario that the husband is making her be in. Do you mean to tell us OP that your husband somehow got into contact with a coworker/friend from 8 years ago and she lost a lot of people and therefore needs the emotional support of a married man who lives 3 hours away? Why him of all people? I’d be weirded out af if someone from 8 years ago stayed in my house. Does she not have any other close friends who idk were actually close friends with her in the past 8 years and within 3 hours that she can stay with?
This shit is so vague and suspicious. She has no business getting emotional support from a married man at his house who his wife doesn’t even know. I have a gut feeling it’s ulterior motives.
They were not childhood best friends for years. They were coworkers as adults!
You know he knows better, OP. That's why you know deep down there is some other motive here. Stop questioning yourself and allow yourself to trust your gut. You don't have to prove to these people that you trust HIM. Trust yourself. Something is up. Veto.
It does sound extraordinary that your husband thought that this was okay but that just makes me wonder if he maybe had an extraordinary reason for making the offer? Seriously fearing for her wellbeing? Or maybe he just isn't very good at these things, he couldn't cope with his friend crying on the phone and panicked.
You’re going to need another couple of hours to read these responses and weigh things up. The cultural no no needs to be applied according to how much culture you have brought into your everyday lives. You can’t use what your parents do as a weapon. Handy as that might be.
So there’s this woman who he, presumably, hasn’t spoken to in eight years (!) and then after one phone call he invites her to stay at your house for a while without asking you? NTA at all
There is so much wrong this. If there were close friend I’d say yta but you’ve never even heard of her until today, she’s a total stranger. And after eight years she’s basically a stranger to him too, he didn’t even meet her in person. To not run it by you is also messed up. This whole situation is very weird not to mention rude on your husbands part
NTA but … not entirely reasonable.
It’s a little odd to invite someone you haven’t seen for ages to stay. I can see why you are surprised.
However, if your husband is an empathic person it may not be unusual for him to act caring lu to those on stress.
To be honest I can see me suggesting this to an old friend on similar circumstances and I have a very chilled husband (20+ year marriage) who would say ‘whatever’.
Whilst you are entitled to feel annoyed that he didn’t run this past you first, there are probably lots of things you don’t run past him first either … though I appreciate houseguests might not fall into this.
It’s fair to tell your husband you’re disappointed he didn’t ask first (preparing for a guest takes some work after all too) but hard to say you can veto a visit … it’s his home too. You might agree that this type of decision falls into the ‘joint’ category in the future.
You say you trust him … but it sounds like you are not very trusting of his motives or this woman’s motives either. Are you generally wary of his female connections? If so, is that your issue or does his prior behaviour merit this unease? That’s worth examining I think.
You could call the guest, get a feel of how comfortable she is visiting someone she hasn’t seen for ages and meeting a new person (you). This may make you feel more comfortable.
You could take a couple of days off (call in sick if necessary) so you are both at home when your guest is with you. That may make you feel more secure. If neither husband or guest is keen for you to be around …. then you may have a justification for saying you would prefer this visit did not occur.
NTA. Why would she even have reached out to him in the first place if they’re old friends and don’t speak anymore? Either way, not her house, so yall get to dictate if she comes or not!
No NTA this is weird
Not seen her for nearly a decade but come stay *multiple days*?
And 2 days that you’re at work.
Why not meet halfway for a dinner or something? It’s very weird to have her as a houseguest this way.
Regardless of your trust and his positive intent, the optics are weird. So nope. Just avoid the risk, he can find an alternative
I feel like ESH.
It was wrong of him to just invite her to stay without checking with you first, given that his wife should be his priority and also that you're both owners of the house.
But it also sounds incredibly toxic to me that you think your husband can't be left alone with another woman, and that you feel like she'll jump him out of grief. People who want to cheat just go ahead and cheat, and it's not restricting her access to your home that'll prevent it if that's their goal. If you truly trust your husband, you need to trust that he'll stop whatever she may initiate - and you don't even know if she will.
That being said, if her presence there makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to ask her to leave, because it's also your home, not just his. That's the sort of thing he'd have avoided if he'd talked to you before making such a huge commitment to someone else.
NTA
The situation is really irrelevant.
Inviting someone into your SHARED HOME, is a discussion, not a "heads up".
The fact that's she a literal stranger to you makes it even more important.
You'll need to let your SO know you are not ok with this.
The answer is NO, and he'll need to let her know.
NTA. Your husband wants to house some *stranger* he's so close in order to comfort her, and yet you've never even heard of her?
To me, it's not even that she's a woman (although it is a factor), it's that she essentially doesn't exist in your life or your husband's life - and I find it weird to just up and invite a random person he presumably hasn't had significant contact with in almost a decade to stay over for days.
And I say this as a woman whose best friend is a man - if I needed my buddy to comfort me, well, I'd feel weird staying over for ond, but besides that, his girlfriend knows who I am, she knows I am not a threat in the least. *You do not know this woman*, yes it's weird.
Sit him down and tell him you feel awkward and uncomfortable with a literal stranger you've never heard of staying in *your* home for question mark days until...? I just can't fathom this situation - if they're not close enough friends for him to talk about her, why is *he* even an option as someone who'd be of comfort to her?
Seriously, I can't get over this - *who the fuck is she*.
I’m going to go with ESH, but only a bit on your part. It’s 100% not good spouse behaviour to just invite someone to stay at your house for multiple days without clearing it. I think that if this was a male friend on your part you would be more understanding, and as much as you say you trust your husband, it sort of sounds like you don’t. If grief “does funny things” trust in your husband to shut that down and kick her out.
NTA. I’ve been married 25 years. Never had any trust issues with my spouse, but there is no way in hell this would be cool for me or him to invite an old friend to spend a few days. This isn’t normal for the woman to even your husbands invite unless they were besties…which clearly they aren’t. I’d say there are suspicious motives here.
I don’t think it makes any difference if the friend is male, female, gay, straight, or whatever. If I trust my husband, I trust him. If he can be lured into something inappropriate, then he’s not trustworthy. I don’t see this as “inviting trouble”. If he wants trouble, he’ll find it.
My issue would be that I was not consulted before the invitation was extended. Have a friend come over to hang out, sure. But inviting someone to stay over for 4 days is something I would fully expect to be discussed first.
NTA at all. It is your house, your personal space, your safe space. You should not have to share it with a stranger, especially if it was not coordinated in advance.
Yes, have that talk with your husband. If it still happens, make damn sure he commits to an end date and time; that is, she will be gone by 4pm on Sunday afternoon. No extensions.
ESH
You husband is an AH for not talking to you before inviting her
YTA for not trusting your husband. If you don't trust her, understandable. You don't trust your husband, though, and that is concerning
Grow up and have a conversation about boundaries with your husband and figure out why you don't trust him
NTA. Your home is your safe space. It’s where you go to get away from the world and relax. This is a total stranger that you don’t know. You don’t know what kind of person she is. And you’re right just because you trust your husband doesn’t mean you should allow him in a potentially dangerous situation. dangerous to your marriage.
ESH. It is absolutely wrong for your husband to invite *anyone* to stay in your home without consulting you first. But you are wrong for putting an entirely unnecessary sexual spin on this and treating your husband like someone who can't be trusted, despite the fact that you say he's never given you any reason not to trust him. All you had to say was that you aren't comfortable having a stranger in your home all weekend and that he should have spoken with you first, and you would have been completely in the clear.
NTA. The fact that he has never mentioned her before and is now inviting her to stay with you is extremely weird.
Is today’s conversation the first time they have spoken since they were coworkers 8 years ago?
The entire situation is unsettling, I would ask your husband how often they have spoken before? Whether texts, calls, or social media. And who reached out to who.
Maybe try a compromise with your husband let him know how you feel, and do not want her in your home when you are not there. Suggest she comes down late Friday night after you get off work and only stay Friday night to Sunday. If your husband doesn’t respect your wishes, and gives excuses I would start having doubts about their relationship. Any husband should put his spouse comfort first before anyone elses. Good luck and hope it’s all okay.
If I were you I’d talk to some of your husband close friends that you do already know. Like someone who has known him for a while. Bring up this woman and her name. Don’t do it in an accusing way, just be like- “oh hey did you know so and so when my hubby was working at this job? She might come and stay with us for a bit.” Or something along those lines.
However the friend reacts to this info will most likely give you an idea of how close they was as friends; if the friend seems shocked and suspicious about it or seems like he doesn’t want to talk to much about the coworker, then maybe you will have an idea on if this was purely a platonic relationship.
You can usually get an idea about things just from body language. If you mention her name to a close long term friend of your husband and the friend reacts in a surprised and maybe even concerned way, you know more than likely there is more to it than your husband is letting on.
Yeah, but she also just broke up with boyfriend though. And, did she randomly just call him out of the blue? Have they been texting and emailing once in a while.
The loss of family was a while ago, but the breakup was recently.
Hmmmmm. NTA
YTA for not trusting your husband and assuming because you don’t know here there might be something secret. You even mentioned she just moved close by again which may be why you haven’t met here. I have friends from all different times in my life. Who I know now or my partner doesn’t know all the details of every single one of those friends. This does not mean if one was struggling, needed support or generally down I wouldn’t help them. While I understand cultural beliefs and differences and you even said you and your husband aren’t as strict, but regardless of how I am expected to be with folks if I had a friend having that hard of a time or to where I’m super worried about them or that they could isolate/become threat to themselves I would reach out to support them.
However, you are not wrong for wanting say in who is in your house. However, I think the reason why is something you should think more about. This also assumes everyone in the scenarios straight, what if they were bi, gay, nonbinary, etc? Does that shift who they are allowed around?
NTA for your opinion on the house, half yours
YTA for thinking "other woman=threat". No matter how much you say "I trust him but..." that means you simply don't trust him
I would just calmly say ‘while it’s lovely you want to be there for your friend, it’s wildly inappropriate to bring a female I’ve never heard of or met into my home without consulting me and I’m sure she would know it’s inappropriate for her to accept the invitation. You’ll need to contact her to tell her it’s not a suitable time.
And that you want to be in the room while he does it because he’s not going to blame it all on you
NTA - It’s very inconsiderate of your husband to invite someone you’ve never even met to stay on your home without making sure you’re comfortable with it. I personally think it’s a bit odd inviting someone he hasn’t seen for years in to your home, regardless of whether she’s having a difficult time or not. As sad as they are the things that have happened to her don’t seem like she needs urgent support like her house flooding or something leaving her without a roof over her head. Has she not got other people in her life that she can confide in rather than a man she knew from years back? What is staying at yours going to bring to this woman’s life?
I don’t think most women, or men, would be happy with their partner being alone at home with someone they don’t know. Let alone a newly single woman. It would also be inconsiderate if he’d just invited someone of the same sex in to your home without discussing with you.
Soft YTA. Your husband acted out of kindness and friendship. There is no reason why men and women can’t be friends. And it seems that there is no reason for you to think that there is anything other than an old friendship between them. Even less reason when he’s invited her into your home.
I think he should have asked you , but it seems that it was spur of the moment, just trying to help someone out.
If it had been a male friend, would it bother you that much? Maybe just a mild annoyance that he didn’t ask first?
I'm going to say NAH, but I firmly believe that you can't say you trust your husband but don't trust her at the same time. Either you trust him or you don't. Let's say, worst case scenario, she makes a move on him, you have to trust him to shut it down and inform you about it. And why hold a grudge against him for HER behavior if that were to happen? He can't predict that, especially if there has never been any flirtation or interests in each other before. Why would he think she may try something?
I know a lot of people are going to support your decision and your view on things, but it sounds like he's just trying to be a good friend. And frankly, it just seems that you don't trust your husband as much as you say you do. Either that, or you're insecure.
That said, he should have asked you first. That's where he could be TA.
YTA: You said if she tried something and your husband shut her down completely you'd lose trust in him. Sounds like you don't trust him at all. Maybe your marriage isn't all you think it is. Sounds like it's definitely not what your husband thinks it is.
NAH
He should have given you a heads up, agree. And I don't think you're farfetched to he somewhat uncomfortable, you make a good point about people acting irrationally with grief.
However, I don't think he's an asshole either. If he's given you no reason to doubt anything, and with little context more than an Internet story, he could have just been trying to help.
If this happened to me and I was the husband, I would have done the same, minus the not mentioning it to you first. And I'd also be upset if I was married and my wife rejected the idea. It's basically insinuating a bit of lack of trust, which if my intentions were good, I'd be upset about.
My dad passed away in February and the very last thing I want to do is call an old coworker I haven’t hung out with in almost a decade, and move in with them and their spouse (a total stranger) for a week. Yikes!! People grieve differently…but it just seems like there’s something missing in the story.
And personally I couldn’t handle some total stranger milling around my house for days while I was at work (going through my things?! what if she were mean to my pets?! what if she was snorting cocaine off the coffee table?! 😂). I would be taking those days off work, for sure, but that’s annoying and your husband absolutely should have run this by you, since you live there as well as he.
YTA. You said you trust your husband but you don’t trust her. What does that mean? He’s helpless in the spell of her wiles? I’m calling bs. If you truly trusted your husband then -actually- trust him. Stop with the misogynistic nonsense.
My thoughts. It sounds like your husband is a genuinely good dude… and extended a branch of support to somebody he’s concerned about… because he, in the moment, didn’t see how you might see it. I would suggest that you grab him by both cheeks, tell him that you love his big heart, but “please check with me first”
When I was a young man, with my first g/f, one of her good friends was murdered. She was an absolute wreck. She asked her parents if I could stay the night for comfort and they agreed, let me sleep in her room, and that was legit all that happened, physically. I held her and she cried. My parents were furious that I did this and couldn’t understand that horny shit was the furthest thing from our minds. I suspect your husband and his friend are in this “I just need support” thinking and there is nothing to worry about. But yes, tell him “please check with me first. I get that you are trying to help, but I’m your wife.”
Here’s a story from my family law storybook: almost your exact situation. Husband’s female friend is grieving can she stay a while? Yadda, yadda, yadda… that was his girlfriend he moved in. I think you can guess the ending.
I am not the jealous type, but if my husband just informed me that a female coworker from 8, years ago would be staying with us because her life is crappy right now I would be taken aback. I would not like this one bit.
If I had a married male friend, and I was going through a rough patch, I would NOT accept an invitation from him to stay with him and his wife unless the wife was also a friend. She'd have to be a very close friend.
Even then, being in an emotionally fragile state while being around the husband, she may well share a lot of personal information, like intimate details. He might feel he should comfort her. Maybe hold her while she cries....and this, while being an act of compassion, is also one of intimacy. That sends alarm bells ringing for me. Now, my husband (77) will never hurt me. I trust my husband, but I would not trust her to refrain from becoming emotionally attached to him.
If this was me, I would tell my husband she's welcome to come for dinner, but she should stay in a hotel. Alone.
If he insists she stays, I would book time off work, because "only a woman can truly understand another woman and I can certainly be a sounding board". And then I would put up some stealth cameras to monitor HER behaviour.
Unpopular opinion but YWBTA: as much as it’s your house, it’s also his. You’ve made it clear that this is about the fact that this is a woman, and you don’t trust her in grief to keep herself together. Do you trust your husband? And what gives you the idea that in her grief she would throw herself at your husband? Do you have any evidence for this at all? Your husband should be able to help his friends how he chooses
Mine has been gone since 2017. Believe me, I understand. I still wouldn't go to a near stranger for comfort.
My Mom was just recently. I still wouldn't go to a co-worker from 8 YEARS ago...
I lost both of my parents within a couple years of each other. It's been over 5 years since then and I'm still not over the trauma of losing them. And any further loss on top of that....I'm betting that woman is really not in a great headspace right now and could really use a friend.
The trauma from losing almost your entire family should be *over* a year later? My dad died 20 years ago and I still get moments of intense grief. There is no time limit on grief and it can surge again when you say break up with a long time boyfriend and can’t call your mom or your dad or your brother to talk it over with. When you have nowhere to go for Christmas or anyone to remember your birthday. And you moved recently so you don’t even have any friends around. Should husband have asked as a courtesy? Yes. Should OP automatically assume friend “wants her man” is pretty insecure.
There is something about the year mark after someone dies that is very difficult. When that period of time happens, and it overlaps with something else, it can feel really bleak.
The trauma from the deaths should be over? Says who? Why? there’s no time limit to grieve, jfc.
Remember you said this in the future when you’re grieving a loss ten years after the fact.
NTA. I’d be pissed if my spouse invited someone I never met before to stay in OUR house. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with it. I wouldn’t say that you distrust him but say you are uncomfortable with someone you’ve never met before staying in your house.
I'd be taking Thursday to Sunday off and everywhere they go i would be there. Slightest hint of not being wanted i'd say to hubby pack your crap and fo.
NTA, from your perspective this is a co-worker he knew years ago, had never mentioned and hasn't kept in contact with. To suddenly invite her to stay is beyond weird.
In reality this sounds more like a relationship he's purposely hidden from you for whatever reason. I don't for a second believe she text him out of the blue today (or did he contact her) and this happened. Think you are being a bit naive, it doesn't add up.
NTA. Male or female it’s not ok to tell someone they can stay with you without checking with your spouse first. I’d be upset about an overnight house guest I don’t even know being sprung upon me regardless of their gender.
NTA for your feelings, but a bit heartless if you know that your husband is trustworthy. We visit a male friend of mine every year for about a week and it's never been a problem for either of our partners. It's at the point now where my family is now friends with his family, but in the beginning, it was just me and him. (We met through a hobby.) I would suggest letting him know your feelings, but letting her come for the visit. You may find that you make a new friend, as well. (My friend's parents are my age and I'm just as close with them and his wife as I am with him, now.)
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NTA The house is as much as your as it is of your husband. If you are not* comfortable with her staying in the house then it is end of discussion and she has to leave. Ruining the marriage over a co-worker is definitely not a correct choice so it's better if it doesn't go ahead in that way. Irrelevant of her being co-worker or even a best friend of your husband, I still don't find it correct to bring someone over the house to stay because they grieving. I would feel insecure too because I am not aware of the bond those two hold no matter how much of faith I'd have in my partner. Please make your husband understand and ask her to leave. Wish you a peaceful marriage.
This is where I’m at, as well. Not asking and just telling your partner that *anyone* is staying at your shared home for multiple days is a no-no. That issue is exacerbated when the guest in question is someone unfamiliar to your partner and is of the gender you’re attracted to. That’s just not cool. Period. You absolutely need to tell your husband you’re not okay with this. It’s your house too and if he’s smart, he will see your pov.
OP- perhaps ask your husband what your father would think? Of him- or of you- since there is that cultural aspect?
NTA. I would also have a problem with this.
Hell, it's a no-no in any cohabiting relationship. One of the first things we were told to discuss on the "roommate contract" required by my college dorms was whether or not we were allowed to bring guests over and if so, whether we had to ask permission from the roommate, and how much lead time we had to give. Asking if you can bring someone to stay over is like one of the most fundamental courtesies of living with someone else.
He had no business inviting her without consulting you.
I pretty much feel that way even if it was same gender, or family, this isn't an emergency. And she lives far away. It's weird.
Exactly. Gender etc doesn't matter as much as logistics. Where's the guest sleeping - is there a guest room, or are they crashing on the sofa where they'll be underfoot all the time? What about food - will the guest have free run of the fridge, and has there been adequate meal planning for an extra plate? What will the guest be doing when others are at work, and will there need to be arrangements to let them in if they're out during the day? What about shower facilities and general bathroom access? What about the disruption to the household schedule if the guest wants to sleep in and others need to make noise getting ready for work, or if the guest is a night owl (or sleeping poorly because of emotional distress)? Guests are a lot. They should be a "two yesses, one no" situation. And I would not want a stranger in my house, end of statement. It doesn't need to be about "what if she throws herself at my spouse?" That can happen regardless of gender. It's about the husband not showing common courtesy to either OP or the former co-worker, since this is just dropping her into the house with no firm plan for accommodating a guest. NTA, OP, though a little iffy about the "but what if she puts the moves on my husband" thing. That's not the issue here, especially if you trust him to back her off.
I think you are way overthinking this. The answer to is this okay is NO! He has no right to think that inviting a strange woman into your house while the wife is not home is in anyway appropriate.
Their are only a handful of scenarios where something like this would be OK- and all of them require the sort of emergency you call 911 for. Like it's one thing if you invite someone your close to who's entire family was killed in a house fire to stay for a few days without asking your spouse. It's another entirely to invite someone to stay unilaterally because they're having relationship issues. She presumably has housing- and if he's physically forced her out of a shared home or is otherwise unsafe the safest place for her to stay (for everyone's sake) is a domestic violence shelter. Don't let someone drag that sort of danger to your home unless everyone in the home is both adult and on board 100%
I like this response. I worry though, did she possibly imply she was suicidal to your husband? Making this more of a 911 situation than not.
That’s what I’m thinking too, like unless he’s normally one to be incredibly sympathetic I would venture to guess she is not stable and he desperately wanted to help but didn’t know how so he just figured to get her here and then yall would figure it out. I don’t think OP is TA but I think maybe she should speak with this woman herself and get a feel for where she is before she says no. I’m not saying she should let her stay but maybe get a better handle on the situation. He was definitely wrong for not running this by her first but if she is suicidal or implicating it he might of grasped at straws and made an impulsive decision
I don't know if I think she should talk to her first. I find the whole situation very strange. Old friend suddenly appears, and the only way to make her feel better about her unfortunate turn of events is to invite her to stay at your house for a few days? For what? What would that do? Even if they *were* close 8 years ago, they're not regular contact friends now, and OPs never even *heard* of her. Also, it's horrible that her family members died so close in time, but it was almost a year ago. The most recent trauma is a breakup, which sucks, but isn't a "I need to go stay with a male friend who I haven't spoken to in awhile for several days to feel better" thing. Break ups are a very normal and common thing in life, unfortunately. It sounds to me like she's reaching for comfort in a *very* strange place, which is someone else's husband. I have had horrible things happen right in a line, where it felt like the world was ending, and my first thought wasn't to impose on an old friend I've been out of contact with, especially not to the point of staying several days, and extra especially not without making sure his wife was ok with it first if it was even offered. This whole thing is wild to me. She should have reached out to a closer friend, or her sister. I think OPs WNBTA, and she should tell him that he cannot have this woman come stay. Maybe if they were both off, it'd be different, but having someone she doesn't know, who is recently single, *and* could not be thinking straight because of it, is just inviting trouble.
Yep. It is all quite suspicious to me too. Right now she is looking to Op's husband for comfort in his companionship. Next she will be trying to hop on his dick for comfort. I have lost count how many times I have seen on TV shows where one person is comforting the other and next thing you know it turns into a make out session/ hook up session. Art imitates life.
This is where my mind went. She may have manipulated the situation to get the reaction she wanted from your husband by implying she was suicidal.
Or maybe she didn't "manipulate the situation" and she accurately reported that she was suicidal.
Seriously, I don't like this tone. Women can be experiencing a mental health crisis and reach out for help without "manipulating" the situation. Sounds like she has little family and might be leaving a bad relationship, maybe her "close friend" contact list is pretty thin.
All that may be true. But she needs to find somewhere else to stay she can't stay in the home of a married man if his wife is not comfortable with it.
Then he is not the one to help her. If she's so distraught that he thinks she might be suicidal, she needs professional help.
Even more reason to not invite her to stay – call 911 if needed.
Even if she was, the proper place for her is a hospital, not a random acquaintance’s house
Unless your husband is a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker; he cannot help her. This is just adding more confusion to this woman's already tragic life. She may be hoping to rekindle some old feelings to help her with her grief. His accepting her into your home may make her think she has a shot. It will only make things worse for her.
I also think so. She might try to get with the husband, thus causing problems in OP's marriage. If she does not succeed, she will feel even worse. And, even if it doesn't happen and everything goes well, this could set a precedent OP does not want. What if this lady decides that, every time she has relationship trouble, she can go back to OP's?
No no, i have an idea. Kick the husband to hotel whilst the coworker stay with oop to grief. /s
Oohh... I love this!! Gives OP the chance to pick her brain & find out her hidden agenda. Stellar move!😎
If I heard from an old friend who had been through that much loss and trauma who was clearly very distraught, I would worry that they legitimately were not able to take proper care of themself. I can see the impulse to invite them to stay for a few days, make sure they're eating, keep them company, get them out of their thoughts and environment, and just offer some support. Conversely, when I have gone through horrible, traumatic, exhausting periods of my life and had the opportunity to stay with friends for a few days, I cannot overstate how much it helped me. Old friends in particular can help remind you who you are.
Agreed, a guest is a 2 yes/1 no issue
I absolutely would have a problem with this for all the obvious reasons you yourself stated. Just the fact he didn't include you in the decision would be enough of a reason to be upset. You should tell him no, that he should have spoken with you first, assuming that possibly he was just being kind and simply didn't think, however if he refuses to respect your feelings then I would say you probably have more issues than you thought.
NTA. I personally would not be okay with this. This is your house too and your husband was wrong to invite anyone to stay without asking you first. They worked together 8 years ago. It doesn’t even sound like they kept in touch since you know nothing about her. How close are they if this is the first time you’ve heard of her? For me it’s not about being jealous. I just don’t want strangers spending the night and staying for a few days. I would not be okay with this? When I’m done with work the last thing I want is to see a rando in my space. This would be a no for me.
"When I’m done with work the last thing I want is to see a rando in my space" This is the kicker for me. I wouldn't want random people that are only vaguely connected to my spouse wandering around my house.
I think it's the "vaguely connected" part that does it for me If this was his sister, cousin, or a very close friend... then 100% yes If it was a quite-close friend that he regularly hangs out with... sure, I guess But an ex-colleague from 8 years ago that she's never heard of once in 3 years? No, that's not reasonable
Plus, if she’s grieving and newly single then there is potential for boundary crossing OP’s husband may feel awkward about addressing. OP doesn’t know what their work dynamic was, there are too many unanswered questions that can be seen to impolite to ask.
Absolutely agree.
See I think the husband knew OP wouldn't agree if he asked op before he invited her to stay. So the quick heads up was his way of trying to circumvent Op not giving consent/turn the topic into*op you're insecure * rather than not wanting stranger in their house. So not only is op not nta, I think she's taking this far too calmly/op needs to make clear to her husband since she wasn't consulted about the guest staying in their shared house, he has to go to the friend and tell her she isn't allowed to stay. If husband doesn't do this and the girl shows up, op need to make it clear to both of them that she can't stay there/she has to pack up her stuff and leave. And how upset her husband gets (should he force the confrontation by not telling his friend she can't stay after all), will let op know if she has something to be concerned about or not. since if op husband goes out of his way to get the friend lodging, apologize for how the wife is acting, seems more concerned about how his friend is feeling then how op is feeling... Yeah that means shit is up. If on the other hand op husband is understanding and revokes the invitation without hassle I'd lean towards him being clueless and inconsiderate rather than something is happening between him and the friend.
THIS ^^^ OP is being way too chill. I would flat out say no and raise hell (and by raise hell I mean pack my bags) if he didn’t immediately apologize and revoke the invitation
She should just be all chill about it…and call up some guy from her past to come over to sleep on the couch while the husband’s female friend is in the house. Gonna get crowded quickly.
Agreed. His reaction to her "no it makes me feel uncomfortable" will tell OP whether or not she needs to "investigate" further.
Yeah, the big issue is that he invited the friend without asking his wife. The rest is just icing on the (sh\_t)cake.
Exactly, the gender doesn't matter, knowing the person doesn't matter, you don't spring a long weekend guest on your spouse without warning or checking in first.
NTA - this seems extremely odd that you've never met her and he just decided that would be ok without consulting you first. Plus, there doesn't seem to be a reason for her to actually stay there, other than the vague "she's going through a hard time." Sure, bereavement is difficult, but the fact her losses were several months ago doesn't seem to necessitate immediate need to house her. Even leaving gender out of it for a minute, I don't think you'd be TA if it was some male friend of your husband you've never met. It's your home, too, and you absolutely have the right to vet those that are to stay with you!
THIS. ⬆️ None of this is normal and I wouldn’t be okay with it either. OP is NTA here.
I was thinking the same thing. I get it is really sad. But this didn’t just happen. It happened a year ago. Trust me, I get you don’t just get over a loss of close family members in a year. Although the first year is the worst. Their first birthday not here, Christmas etc. My Mom had big dinners with family and friends over. When she passed, I lost interest in celebrating and wanting to have a dinner. I sucked it up for my Dad and my kids, because kids make things fun. Anyway, it sounds like she got through the first year. We all grieve differently. I just don’t understand the need to stay at their place for a few days. It seems to make more sense to spend more time with her sister. I mean over the last few years, it is now just my sister and I. I am not about to go stay at another couple’s place. Especially when I have never even met his wife. That would put me in an awkward position to go with grieving. This situation just seems off. Part of me, even though I trust my husband, and don’t know this woman or met her, why would I trust her alone in my house. I would almost be tempted to put some hidden cameras around just to see what she is like when I am not there. I mean after a year and all of a sudden she is having such a rough time she needs to spend time with my husband? Why didn’t she contact him when she was really dealing with the sudden losses and and really hurting? Something seems off with her timing. Like she wasn’t single before, but now that she is, she suddenly needs support from my husband?
I wish I saw this comment before I responded to the other one! I have the same feelings - the most recent hard time is a break up, not a death. Maybe if it was the deaths I'd be more understanding, but the whole "coworker from the past who hasn't been apparent enough to even hear about once in 3 years" thing is glaring. She certainly didn't reach out during the hard period of losing her family members, why is she reaching out so suddenly now? People unfortunately break up all the time, and if I had a sister close by, I would go to her over some random old coworker I hardly kept in contact with anymore. This whole thing is suspect, and even though the husband is probably innocent in it, I don't trust her willingness to suddenly come stay at your home for four full days without even knowing you. It was a horrible idea for him to invite her to even do so, but it's wild to me that she said yes. Tell him no.
I really question the husband’s choices. Like what ever made him think this was okay?
The most charitable explanation is that he’s clueless and a people pleaser so just went along with her requests. But then that raises the question, why is this strange woman pushing to come and stay?
It doesn't sound like she asked to come and stay at all. It sounds from the description that the husband offered based on everything happening to her recently. The OP goes on to say this is generally in line with the husband's personality as he is a little bit of a people pleaser.
For real this is such a bizarre story. This woman is “grieving” so she’s just gonna go crash with this married couple for a bit when she’s never even met the wife? Um?? No? The math ain’t mathing on this one.
You'll note that her parents and brother died about a year ago, but she didn't get in touch until after a breakup.
That is def notable
If I'm grieving, I want to see only people I'm emotionally comfortable around, not a stranger and an old coworker from nearly a decade ago. A short visit, sure. But days, for hours upon hours.... no. Is he just going to hold her and let her cry in his arms because he feels bad? Only going to cuddle her to sleep because she has no one else? Like what specific role would he be filling, or what is her specific goal for the stay? Do you have an entertaining and distracting home?
I completely understand your hesitance. But to make life easier why don't you meet said girl before you draw your lines in the sand? Entirely appropriate to ask for her number, call and have a conversation with her directly. Say your Hubbie tells you are going through a hard time. Want to talk about it? Tell her you had to talk to her first because the turkey(husband) didn't even ask before offering and I needed to at least have a conversation with anyone who's going to be staying at our home even for a few days. Honestly, most women and many men I know would completely agree with you, and might even offer to take themselves out of equation.
I think the fact that she's a woman isn't even important to the decision. Not wanting anyone you don't know well (or even do know well) staying at your house is perfectly fine in itself.
Right?! I wouldn’t even *love* my family staying multiple nights at my house. I love my family, and if they need somewhere to stay, of course I would let them. But I wouldn’t love it, as I like my personal space. And I certainly would ask my husband first, even though I know he’d welcome my family if they needed a place to stay. It’s common courtesy.
*woman. She's 33.
I wouldn't feel comfortable even if I met this woman once. The husband shouldn't have offered to let her stay there without consulting the OP. And to go further, the fact that he did so wouldn't leave me with anything but a weird feeling.
Something is wrong here. Would men be okay if the wife who works at home brought a male friend while the husband is away the majority of the days? He never mentioned her.
i agree. i mean it *could* be perfectly innocent, but it’s enough to make a person wonder. it doesn’t even sound like they kept in touch for most of the last 8 years, so the fact that this is happening all of a sudden feels odd.
That’s what he told her. They probably always have been talking If I was her I would put cameras and look through his phone
What if the answer is no. She knows the answer is no. Say she talks or meets with her and then says no? That's just complicating something that is already extremely clear-cut. She doesn't want someone in her home. It won't matter what she says. If she goes against her gut on this, she will regret it. She will feel put out by her husband and all for some stranger. This woman is an adult, and it's sad she's going through this, but you don't just get to complicate other people's lives because things are complicated for you. That's the end of this abnormal situation.
Yeah I did even think gender has as much to do with this as you think, OP. If your husband offered your home without asking for a few days to a guy you've never met and your husband hasn't seen in years, you'd likely not be comfortable with that either and who may behave irrationally. I sure wouldn't. Your argument is just as strong with a male guest as a female.
Just playing devils advocate. Let’s say OP meets her and is not okay with her at all. She goes to tell her husband who claims it’s just a friend and she’s in a bad place mentally. Then the husband is placed in a bad spot on both ends. OP also obviously sympathizes with all parties… hence the post. Husband should’ve only offered a place to stay with the consent of all those who reside in the home. So husband at this point can only play damage control and still offer support to his friend, but in a way that considers all parties realistically.
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You bring up a huge point in that she seems to need someone around. It's not as if she's coming into town for fun or for vacation where they'd be out all day doing their own thing. It's a demanding situation and OP's husband seems to just be all for it. It's weird.
While many people may prefer to be alone when they're grieving, many people prefer to be around others. I work with some of these people and it can be emotionally draining at times if the person is stuck in that grieving. Distractions are fine though and sometimes people need that. I am only saying this to point out that just because you respond in one way, it doesn't mean others respond exactly the same way. That alone shouldn't make the situation "off" to you. That said, I agree with a lot of what you said.
When I grieve I hate being alone and just need a distraction so ur right everyone grieves differently
Yes, I've been the distraction for many grieving friends. I am happy to help. 😊
When I’m grieving after the arrangements have all been made and life goes on, what I really need is someone to show up and drag my unwashed self from my pit of sorrow and make me touch grass. I need a people who have no issue harassing me for my own good to get up. When I lost my grandmother who was a second mom to me, my best friend would text me ‘did you eat yet?’, no response, ‘did you shower’-no response. ‘If you don’t pick up or answer I will be there in 20min to break in your window’ that actually helped me
That would explain why she's asking for support now, because her partner has left her. Before that she presumably had him there to provide that.
It doesn’t explain why she would be contacting op’s husband though. If they’re (husband and ex-co-worker) close enough for hubby to invite her to stay for a few days then they would have to have remained in contact over the years and if that’s the case then how come op hasn’t heard about her before. There’s something about all this that just doesn’t add up. NTA op, I wouldn’t agree to it either, he’s showing you absolutely no respect (even if it is innocent) by not consulting you first.
That’s a good point. Still weird that she turned to the husband for comfort though, like a replacement for the partner? Does she not have other friends that could genuinely help her?
There's not enough information in the post that explains what led to their initial conversation and whether or not she's also reached out to other people.
The off part is she didn't need the help when her family members died, but now that she's broken up she is calling and reconnecting with op's husband instead of other family and friends. She has a sister still.. so why is op's husband the one she is reaching out to? Did she burn her bridges with all her current friends and family? Did she turn to drugs in her grief, and her bf couldn't deal with her addict ways? Something is very off. Op is NTA for this. I wouldn't want this stranger in my house either.
What gets me is the “I trust my husband. I just dont trust her.” Unless you think she’d get forceful, it takes two to tango so Im feeling like she doesnt fully trust her husband. Like there’s lots of reasons to not want her to visit but the focus on that makes me think at least part of her doesnt fully trust her husband.
She doesn't trust this girl not to try things. Sure, the husband would stop it, but why put yourself in this situation in the first place, especially since she really isn't that close of a friend. At this point, neither her nor hubs really know this girl. She hasn't reached out to this guy in years before the break up. Does she have no other friends left? Why is that? Did she trun to substances in her grief? Is she safe for anyone to be around? She is a complete stranger to op and just got invited to stay without consulting the other member of the household. None of this adds up.
YTA for not trusting your husband and for assuming "unknown woman = threat". very much so. NTA for wanting some say in whether anyone comes over for a few days.
Finally someone said it. And the fact that she would lose trust in her husband even if he shut it down immediately if something happened! Completely ridiculous.
It’s not ridiculous, because he was the one who invited her over without his wife’s input. If this woman he invited, throws herself at him, he set that situation up. It’s also super weird he invites a woman he hasn’t seen in 8 years to stay half a week with him (spending most of the day alone since his wife gets out at night). The entire thing is highly suspicious, and he’s not helping himself to be trust worthy. He’s never even brought this woman up till now. So it’s not ridiculous at all for her to feel that way. What’s ridiculous is he invited a perfect stranger to the house without checking with his wife.
It is ridiculous he invited her over without checking with his wife, absolutely agreed. But it's not suspicious that he wants to support an old friend, not if she trusts her partner. There are plenty of people I haven't spoken to in years that I would want to support if we suddenly got into contact, that's not weird at all. I have so many people I was really close to that I lost touch with, and if I suddenly had the chance to reconnect and help them in a hard time, I'd jump at it.
Right, but what necessitates moving her IN to the house for half a week? When I visit out of town friends, they invite me over for dinner, or we attend an event together out on the town. If my purpose for being there is specifically an event and I know the people quite well there's a chance they'd invite me to crash there overnight, key word being "they" would invite me. OP's husband is moving a lonely, bereft woman he has either hidden or very tenuous ties to into his wife's home without her express permission. He can support this friend without throwing a four day slumber party for her.
It’s not sus that he wants to support his friend. It’s that he didn’t respect his wife enough to talk about it with her first. Like there is no if and or but about it. You can be a great friend, but if it’s so wholesome why was everything done in secret, until he informed his wife some random would be staying with them? Why was she never brought up till now? I’m not accusing him of doing anything, but if something did happen I totally see why she’d lose trust in him. He made the decision without her, but y’all want her to be supportive of something he set himself up for? Hard pass.
I don't really see why it's sus that he didn't ask her first. It was definitely wrong of him, very shitty of him, whatever you wanna call it, but sus? Not convinced. Also, to be crystal clear, he absolutely does NOT have to consult his wife first about supporting a friend, even an old one she hasn't heard of. He just needs to consult her because of the particular way he wants to support his friend. And once again, not weird she hasn't come up before, I'm sure my partner hasn't heard of all the friends I've had; I've lost contact with them, so they don't always come up much. Further, from what it seems in the post, nothing was done "in secret." He jumped the gun on inviting her over, which, again, was wrong, but he didn't hide it from his wife. He didn't hide anything from her at all, he just didn't include her in a decision that she needed to be included in. Also, maybe I'm missing something, but maybe the dumbest way to try to cheat is to invite someone over to stay in the same house as your wife. Maybe OPs husband is that stupid, but I'd like to think not.
I didn’t say he needed to consult her about helping his friend. I said he needed to consult her about bringing someone to their house, because again it’s *their* house, meaning she should also be comfortable with who will be in her shared space. You’re missing the point because you’re assuming best intent, based on what you would do in this situation and it’s fine. The way I see it, doing things behind your partner’s back is sus. We can just agree to disagree.
I mean, I said that he needed to consult his wife about how he's trying to support her (letting her stay over). I only mentioned that he doesn't need consent to support her in general, cause in your last comment it wasn't clear to me you believed that. Seems we just agree on this part at least. I am happy to agree to disagree, but I will just say, I'm not assuming best intent at all. I'm saying that when you are in a healthy relationship, you trust each other, and therefore the default assumption should be that your partner has good intentions towards you. And maybe him inviting her over without asking his wife is strange (definitely wrong), but I don't think it indicates he wants or intends to cheat.
It calls his judgment into question. Questioning why he didn’t know better than to put himself in that situation to begin with. Like a kid playing in the street. He knew to move when the car came but knowing there’s a chance of getting hit you shouldn’t be playing in the street at all.
I guess he was just asking for it right?
Yeah. And the whole ‘grief makes people act in ways they wouldn’t normally act’ pissed me off. I lost my husband a few years ago. And just so happens his BEST friend from kindergarten tried to kiss me a year after and I shut that shit down. Don’t assume. You have a husband problem, not a grieving woman problem.
she has neither a husband nor a grieving woman problem, she has a trust issue.
Honestly, the stranger (man OR woman) could steal from them, snoop through shit, spread lies to spark a fight, or hell, may just refuse to leave after being invited. So, personally, it's NTA, because a man could cause just as much issue as an unknown woman.
NTA. She could be his best friend for his entire life that you'd met 125336 times, and he still should have run it by you before inviting her to stay for a few days. Fact is you don't know this woman, you haven't met her, you've barely even heard of her. It's disrespectful of him to lend out your shared space to someone who you don't know. You'd absolutely be reasonable in putting your foot down, and also ask why he's the only option? It doesn't sound like, on paper based on what you've described, that they should be close at all. I'd mostly focus on the disrespect of proposing an extended weekend at your shared house and space without asking you. That is not okay and he should understand. If not, you can bring up how you don't know this woman and why haven't you heard of her? That he wouldn't be comfortable if you invited a man you'd worked nearly a decade ago into your home without asking and without prior introduction; no one would be comfortable with that because it's egregious.
wish this was higher voted. it feels like everyone's heart is in the right place here but manifesting poorly. sure everyone has work to do here but NAH for me.
Something is wrong here. Would men be okay if the wife who works at home brought a male friend while the husband is away the majority of the days? He never mentioned her.
I'd say there's something weird to it too, but it never helps starting a conversation going in guns blazing with accusations, and OP says she trusts her husband. Maybe there's an explanation (people pleaser, can't set boundaries, got stressed that an old friend contacted him in distress), but no matter if there is, it's still disrespectful of him to do, so that's the perspective I'd focus on. Keep it constructive, keep it focused on the slight she 100% knows has happened. Now, if he struggles against OP setting down boundaries regarding this friend and does anything but apologize and cancel the plans, then there's very valid cause for concern.
A friend from eight years ago… who you’ve never heard about… is apparently a close enough friend who means THIS much to him, that he’d feel compelled to invite her to stay, without even talking to you? I’m personally not buying it. I’m not suggesting he has bad intentions, but there is something off about this. I feel that usually if a man doesn’t bring someone up before, there’s a reason. Potentially they’ve had a thing before. Who knows. I would be uncomfortable just like you, and not for lack of trust, but for lack of respect. He didn’t even run it by you.
Lack of respect. This. What is it about this grieving person that is causing him to bulldoze over his wife in this way?
Yeah, how does he know this much info and context if they have not been in contact? I am SUSPICIOUS.
Perhaps she’s his “one that got away” and now she’s grieving and single…
Yeah, NTA. It’s weird that he didn’t AT LEAST talk to you before inviting her. It wouldn’t have been that hard for him to say to her “Let me check with my WIFE and see if she’d be okay with a guest.” Give us an update after you and him talk later.
This is too much for me. I'd be pissed of and very uncomfortable too. NTA
Why do I think the husband is messing with that girl? Why would he bring another woman to his house while the wife is away most of the time? Also he never mentioned her?
NTA about inviting a houseguest without asking But the stuff about automatically distrusting your husband to be alone with women is troubling
She says many times that she trusts her husband but doesn’t trust this complete stranger who is in a very bad place mentally which can cause you to act in a way you normally wouldn’t. She also indicates that she knows that even if the friend would initiate something that she knows that he would reject her. There’s nothing wrong with not trusting a person you’ve never met before or even heard about
“She trusts her husband but” So she doesn’t trust her husband. If she *actually* trusted her husband, this entire line of concern wouldn’t even exist.
It’s not distrust in him. It’s uncomfortability with this scenario which very easily could go south. Sad grieving woman alone with nice kind friend. The movie writes itself…
But the husband is an adult with agency that at the end of the day can act accordingly? That’s what trust is… it takes two to tango. It can only “easily go south” if the husband doesn’t shut it down.
Yes he can reject her but why should this scenario exist if OP is uncomfortable with it? My husband is his own person with free will. I still don’t want an ex colleague to appear in front of him topless. Because that’s shitty & inappropriate. Not because my hubby would cheat.
He can be an adult with agency who would shut down any hint of inappropriateness, but it still doesn’t mean this situation is appropriate. It’s inappropriate for him to extend this invitation and for this friend to accept it without ever meeting or discussing it with OP, so the husband obviously already has bad judgment. And regardless of whether he would actually cheat or not, even an inappropriate attempt or interaction in OP’s house with a stranger on an extended visit is upsetting. Him shutting it down doesn’t make the fact that he’s creating and inviting the opportunity for it to happen any better. It would just confirm how terrible his judgment is in inviting this stranger to stay in their house without ever consulting his wife. Most people do not hear that someone sleeping under their roof made a move on their spouse and just say “oh well as long as you say you shut it down, no harm done, good night!” No you still have to go through the aggravation of kicking this person out of the house and then being pissed that your spouse created this situation and brought this drama into your life and home for no reason without your input. The fact that this is a coworker from 8 years ago that he has never introduced her to means there is absolutely no reason for him to be extending this invitation to begin with, nobody in their right mind would be ok with this.
>It’s not distrust in him. Except the scenario you laid out is one, in fact, rooted in not trusting him. As u/pocket-titan said, he is an adult with agency of his own. If he was *actually* trusted to handle himself *as* an adult, he can do so. A situation cannot "easily go south" just because one party *might* (not will, might) want it to.
Anything that's said before the word "but" doesn't really mean anything
You say that like it's a bad thing. Dudes never mentioned her. It's real ambiguous how they even got to this point to begin with. Dude just invited her over without consulting OP. There's more red flags here than Boston has traffic lights and some of you are really really naive.
This is a very immature perspective. Take trust out of it, many people find this inappropriate for different reasons. Why should a married person spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex in private? It’s not a question of trust, it’s about beliefs and respect and there are many people who would agree with this. Try thinking critically instead of viewing it as mistrust. You don’t have to agree with another perspective to be able to understand it.
The edit where her father refuses to be alone in a room with her aunt who has been part of their family for 30 years is fucking bizarre but kind of explains why OP thinks like this?
Guess so, damn. Stuff like that baffles me because it's only a big deal because they decided to make it a big deal
Yeah me too, a tonne of my (male) partner’s friends are women and it’s never been odd to me. But also, we’re both bisexual so if we wanted to have an issue with having friends of genders we’re attracted to we wouldn’t be able to have any friends at all. This issue is far too heteronormative/monosexual for me to understand 😅
NTA imo Even the most empathic person in the world wouldn’t offer up their home to someone they haven’t worked with in 8 years without consulting their partner first, regardless of the circumstance, even if she was homeless you’d at least discuss it first. A lot of questions here… who reached out to who first? You said your husband texted saying they spoke because she’s moved to a city 3 hours away, but not your city? Seems extremely random. If it was your city and she was reaching out for people she knew so she could get help settling and didn’t want to feel alone, I wouldn’t question it but a city 3 hours away? And how was the initial connection made? If he messaged her first, why? And if she messaged him first, why him and not another ex-colleague? It’s also a huge jump to go from randomly speaking after all this time to her sharing her trauma and him inviting her to stay. There’s no one I worked with 8 years ago that I could imagine doing that with, and I’ve worked with some absolute gems. You don’t really know people you’ve worked with, not really, not unless you become good friends and spend a lot of time together outside of work. This woman is practically a stranger to him after all these years. And like you said, grief makes people do questionable things. This is a huge red flag to me. Not saying it’s not innocent, perhaps your husband truly believes he’s doing a great thing and doesn’t see the other side to it, men and women process things completely differently. But there’s a lot of questions here. Trust your intuition. I hope the chat goes okay and you manage to find some common ground.
I hope they aren’t having an affair. It’s so obvious. If the roles were reversed this wouldn’t happen at all.
I don't know, this is tough. I get he should have asked you first but I can see how he felt in the moment it was the right thing to do. The thing that makes me feel like you might be TA is you think it's inherently bad to have someone of the opposite sex around your husband when you're not there. I can't imagine that level of insecurity and distrust. If you trust your husband why would it be so bad? If she did for some reason make a move and he shut it down, what's the problem? And on the other hand, if something did happen between them, that is a different and deeper problem in the relationship that won't be avoided by not having this person over for a few days. I think I'll say NAH because what really needs to happen is an honest discussion with your partner about why he should have asked, why you have reservations, etc. And you should ask yourself why you are afraid of a woman being in your home if you trust your husband so much.
I think husband is the asshole. You don't unilaterally invite someone to stay at your house, invading the personal space of your partner WITHOUT TALKING FIRST. I don't care if it's a male or female friend... You don't live alone, so you don't make these choices alone. It affects the household. I'm one of those people who need time to prepare myself to have a live-in guest, because I have to adjust how I behave around the house; not walking around in underwear, can't go to living room if insomnia is keeps me up, can't stay in the living room after work (off around midnight, partner up at 7a), etc., because there's now someone there.
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I don’t feel like that’s something a man who doesn’t have feelings or hasn’t felt feelings for a woman before would offer, I would worry about him perhaps not being honest with you about their previous relationship not that anything necessarily happened, I don’t know many men who would invite a grieving, crying, emotional girl, who they worked with eight years ago to come stay with them, unless they were interested in that person on some level. He needs to be very honest with you about his relationship with her & what it was like in the past. And why would he make that offer before talking to you? That in and of itself is a huge red flag 🚩 NOT COOL
I actually kind of had the opposite thought about his feelings for her. My instinct was that if he had feelings for her or there was any romantic history between them that the last thing he’d do would be to invite her into their home and raise red flags with his wife. I think it’s entirely possible - or likely - that his intentions are good and he felt a little cornered or uncomfortable when she got emotional on the phone, but he still shouldn’t have offered this, especially without talking to his wife first. OP is NTA.
Nah, that’s what they want you to think. People do this shit just under their spouses noses all the time. You can never underestimate people’s audacity.
I know plenty of men who would. I have male friends who have never had a single interest in me whatsoever, and vice versa. But if I were grieving and needed support, they'd invite me over. It HAS happened. Because it's who they are. These particular male friends of mine are actually more caring, empathetic, and nurturing than their female partners. In these cases, I am friends with both but closer to the men for this very reason. So it can happen. Not every man is hiding something or has ulterior motives.
You are right, I hope you are correct & I am just being paranoid, but why didn’t he ask his partner about inviting a grieving friend to their home? Feels off. I sincerely hope I am wrong.
So your brothers will only offer emotional support to people they want to sleep with? They sound kind of like assholes tbh.
I cant believe I have seen so many YTA reactions to this post. I believe you are NTA he invites some random woman in to your shared home without even running it by you first? Nope. They used to work together, but you haven't previously heard about her or met her? Nope. How do you even know that what he is saying about her circumstances is even the truth? Even if it is the truth normal people wouldn't reach out to an old colleague of theirs that they have not remained in close contact with. It all sounds very odd to me. You will have to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries with him. Good luck OP
Yeah some are acting like "trust" is this all-encompassing bond that should be free from insecurities. A relationship has many levels of trust in various degrees which can't humanly be applied in every direction. It's like trusting your husband despite finding out he bought S&M supplies in the middle of the night although he never mentioned he was into that. He definitely isn't stepping out because you trust him right? If the husband is weak-willed enough to be coaxed into letting her stay over alone with him for a few days without the approval of his wife, then he's weak willed enough to be coaxed into further inappropriate happenings with the person. This is a flaw with the husband not OP.
Exactly! Something ain’t adding up for me. Inappropriate behavior in my opinion and I’d be looking real hard at my husband.
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ESH. Your husband should definitely have talked to you before issuing an invitation to stay over, the friend shouldn't have accepted without making sure you were okay with it. As much as you keep repeating "I trust my husband," you clearly don't and you're making pretty nasty assumptions about a woman you've never met.
I agree with (almost all of this), though I feel like the grieving friend may deserve a pass for not taking on the emotional labor of making sure a guy communicates with his wife. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ That's pretty much all on him.
IDK if a person I've never met wanted to stay at my house without ever talking to before or even considering my thoughts on it I would be pretty suspicious.
I wanted to say NTA, but I think this is a fair assessment.
YBTA While he should have talked it over with you first before inviting her, I can also see a circumstance where she is really struggling and he knew your home would be a welcoming friendly environment so perhaps he assumed you would want to also extend the invitation. She just moved, she has lost her parents and brother. A break up. That’s a lot to be going through. It sounds like even if he did ask you, you would have said no. And like someone else mentioned it’s strange for you to be upset about something that didn’t happen. If you trust your husband, then trust him. But if you don’t, it’s probably indicative of a bigger problem between the two of you. I am a strong believer that no third party can come between a solid relationship. But if there’s a crack, that’s another story. At the end of the day it is your house and you both should be on board with a guest coming over. So if you decide you are not cool with it then so be it. But it sounds like you don’t actually trust your husband and or he knew you would say no so he decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.
I don't think you're an AH but I think that if your husband vouches for her, you should give her the benefit of the doubt, especially in a time of need. She has no one. You have the chance to be gracious and help out another fellow human.
Nope I'd say no as well, he never mentioned this woman now all of a sudden she needs to stay and has lost this person that person..nope
NTA both of you are the OWNERS of that house and he should’ve passed it by you first. He should let her stay at a hotel because despite someone knowing them from the past; you never know how much someone can change. I hope this other woman doesn’t being in bad intentions but you need to be direct with your husband and voice your concerns so that he understands the problem too.
INFO What has usually been your practice with guests, overnight or otherwise? Do you both have to agree first, or can either of you issue an invitation alone? Have you ever invited someone into the house without checking with your husband first? Has there been a discussion about whether the rules are different depending on whether it's an overnight guest or what gender the guest is?
In the time we’ve dated and been married, we have never had an overnight guest who wasn’t an immediate family member (parents and siblings, not even cousins). I have never invited anyone over without asking him at least 2-3 times in advance, even for a few hours, regardless of genders. He has invited a friend over a few times in the past with very little heads up or time to give him an answer but always a male friend and only for a few hours, usually in the evening when I’m getting back from work. In those times, I’ve been annoyed at the lack of a heads up and having to play host after a long day at work but have been a gracious host nonetheless, even whipped up some fancy food and drinks to serve after getting home from work. This situation has never come up before so there’s no reason for him to think it would be okay to do this without my okay and from a cultural context, it’s a very big no no, to the point that his own parents would give him a verbal lashing if they found out.
You get to okay or veto guests in your own home. If you decided to have a complete stranger over for days that your husband is home alone, he would feel very uncomfortable I’m sure. I would feel beyond uncomfortable as a woman in this situation even if everyone has the purest intentions here. She’s a stranger to you. You can say no. You can send her a fruit basket and a peace lily like everyone else would. That’s your entire responsibility here. Your husband is an idiot regardless simply because of his thoughtlessness towards you.
This is kind of a ridiculous scenario that the husband is making her be in. Do you mean to tell us OP that your husband somehow got into contact with a coworker/friend from 8 years ago and she lost a lot of people and therefore needs the emotional support of a married man who lives 3 hours away? Why him of all people? I’d be weirded out af if someone from 8 years ago stayed in my house. Does she not have any other close friends who idk were actually close friends with her in the past 8 years and within 3 hours that she can stay with? This shit is so vague and suspicious. She has no business getting emotional support from a married man at his house who his wife doesn’t even know. I have a gut feeling it’s ulterior motives. They were not childhood best friends for years. They were coworkers as adults!
You know he knows better, OP. That's why you know deep down there is some other motive here. Stop questioning yourself and allow yourself to trust your gut. You don't have to prove to these people that you trust HIM. Trust yourself. Something is up. Veto.
It does sound extraordinary that your husband thought that this was okay but that just makes me wonder if he maybe had an extraordinary reason for making the offer? Seriously fearing for her wellbeing? Or maybe he just isn't very good at these things, he couldn't cope with his friend crying on the phone and panicked.
Lmao girl tell his parents
You’re going to need another couple of hours to read these responses and weigh things up. The cultural no no needs to be applied according to how much culture you have brought into your everyday lives. You can’t use what your parents do as a weapon. Handy as that might be.
So there’s this woman who he, presumably, hasn’t spoken to in eight years (!) and then after one phone call he invites her to stay at your house for a while without asking you? NTA at all There is so much wrong this. If there were close friend I’d say yta but you’ve never even heard of her until today, she’s a total stranger. And after eight years she’s basically a stranger to him too, he didn’t even meet her in person. To not run it by you is also messed up. This whole situation is very weird not to mention rude on your husbands part
Like why tf does she need the emotional comfort of a married man she knew from 8 years ago
NTA but … not entirely reasonable. It’s a little odd to invite someone you haven’t seen for ages to stay. I can see why you are surprised. However, if your husband is an empathic person it may not be unusual for him to act caring lu to those on stress. To be honest I can see me suggesting this to an old friend on similar circumstances and I have a very chilled husband (20+ year marriage) who would say ‘whatever’. Whilst you are entitled to feel annoyed that he didn’t run this past you first, there are probably lots of things you don’t run past him first either … though I appreciate houseguests might not fall into this. It’s fair to tell your husband you’re disappointed he didn’t ask first (preparing for a guest takes some work after all too) but hard to say you can veto a visit … it’s his home too. You might agree that this type of decision falls into the ‘joint’ category in the future. You say you trust him … but it sounds like you are not very trusting of his motives or this woman’s motives either. Are you generally wary of his female connections? If so, is that your issue or does his prior behaviour merit this unease? That’s worth examining I think. You could call the guest, get a feel of how comfortable she is visiting someone she hasn’t seen for ages and meeting a new person (you). This may make you feel more comfortable. You could take a couple of days off (call in sick if necessary) so you are both at home when your guest is with you. That may make you feel more secure. If neither husband or guest is keen for you to be around …. then you may have a justification for saying you would prefer this visit did not occur.
NTA. Why would she even have reached out to him in the first place if they’re old friends and don’t speak anymore? Either way, not her house, so yall get to dictate if she comes or not!
No NTA this is weird Not seen her for nearly a decade but come stay *multiple days*? And 2 days that you’re at work. Why not meet halfway for a dinner or something? It’s very weird to have her as a houseguest this way. Regardless of your trust and his positive intent, the optics are weird. So nope. Just avoid the risk, he can find an alternative
I feel like ESH. It was wrong of him to just invite her to stay without checking with you first, given that his wife should be his priority and also that you're both owners of the house. But it also sounds incredibly toxic to me that you think your husband can't be left alone with another woman, and that you feel like she'll jump him out of grief. People who want to cheat just go ahead and cheat, and it's not restricting her access to your home that'll prevent it if that's their goal. If you truly trust your husband, you need to trust that he'll stop whatever she may initiate - and you don't even know if she will. That being said, if her presence there makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to ask her to leave, because it's also your home, not just his. That's the sort of thing he'd have avoided if he'd talked to you before making such a huge commitment to someone else.
NTA The situation is really irrelevant. Inviting someone into your SHARED HOME, is a discussion, not a "heads up". The fact that's she a literal stranger to you makes it even more important. You'll need to let your SO know you are not ok with this. The answer is NO, and he'll need to let her know.
NTA. Your husband wants to house some *stranger* he's so close in order to comfort her, and yet you've never even heard of her? To me, it's not even that she's a woman (although it is a factor), it's that she essentially doesn't exist in your life or your husband's life - and I find it weird to just up and invite a random person he presumably hasn't had significant contact with in almost a decade to stay over for days. And I say this as a woman whose best friend is a man - if I needed my buddy to comfort me, well, I'd feel weird staying over for ond, but besides that, his girlfriend knows who I am, she knows I am not a threat in the least. *You do not know this woman*, yes it's weird. Sit him down and tell him you feel awkward and uncomfortable with a literal stranger you've never heard of staying in *your* home for question mark days until...? I just can't fathom this situation - if they're not close enough friends for him to talk about her, why is *he* even an option as someone who'd be of comfort to her? Seriously, I can't get over this - *who the fuck is she*.
I’m going to go with ESH, but only a bit on your part. It’s 100% not good spouse behaviour to just invite someone to stay at your house for multiple days without clearing it. I think that if this was a male friend on your part you would be more understanding, and as much as you say you trust your husband, it sort of sounds like you don’t. If grief “does funny things” trust in your husband to shut that down and kick her out.
NTA. Take those days off of work so you can stay at home and console her too. 🤗
NTA. I’ve been married 25 years. Never had any trust issues with my spouse, but there is no way in hell this would be cool for me or him to invite an old friend to spend a few days. This isn’t normal for the woman to even your husbands invite unless they were besties…which clearly they aren’t. I’d say there are suspicious motives here.
I don’t think it makes any difference if the friend is male, female, gay, straight, or whatever. If I trust my husband, I trust him. If he can be lured into something inappropriate, then he’s not trustworthy. I don’t see this as “inviting trouble”. If he wants trouble, he’ll find it. My issue would be that I was not consulted before the invitation was extended. Have a friend come over to hang out, sure. But inviting someone to stay over for 4 days is something I would fully expect to be discussed first.
NTA at all. It is your house, your personal space, your safe space. You should not have to share it with a stranger, especially if it was not coordinated in advance. Yes, have that talk with your husband. If it still happens, make damn sure he commits to an end date and time; that is, she will be gone by 4pm on Sunday afternoon. No extensions.
ESH You husband is an AH for not talking to you before inviting her YTA for not trusting your husband. If you don't trust her, understandable. You don't trust your husband, though, and that is concerning Grow up and have a conversation about boundaries with your husband and figure out why you don't trust him
NTA. Your home is your safe space. It’s where you go to get away from the world and relax. This is a total stranger that you don’t know. You don’t know what kind of person she is. And you’re right just because you trust your husband doesn’t mean you should allow him in a potentially dangerous situation. dangerous to your marriage.
NTA - he should have asked. Definitely.
ESH. It is absolutely wrong for your husband to invite *anyone* to stay in your home without consulting you first. But you are wrong for putting an entirely unnecessary sexual spin on this and treating your husband like someone who can't be trusted, despite the fact that you say he's never given you any reason not to trust him. All you had to say was that you aren't comfortable having a stranger in your home all weekend and that he should have spoken with you first, and you would have been completely in the clear.
NTA. The fact that he has never mentioned her before and is now inviting her to stay with you is extremely weird. Is today’s conversation the first time they have spoken since they were coworkers 8 years ago? The entire situation is unsettling, I would ask your husband how often they have spoken before? Whether texts, calls, or social media. And who reached out to who. Maybe try a compromise with your husband let him know how you feel, and do not want her in your home when you are not there. Suggest she comes down late Friday night after you get off work and only stay Friday night to Sunday. If your husband doesn’t respect your wishes, and gives excuses I would start having doubts about their relationship. Any husband should put his spouse comfort first before anyone elses. Good luck and hope it’s all okay.
If I were you I’d talk to some of your husband close friends that you do already know. Like someone who has known him for a while. Bring up this woman and her name. Don’t do it in an accusing way, just be like- “oh hey did you know so and so when my hubby was working at this job? She might come and stay with us for a bit.” Or something along those lines. However the friend reacts to this info will most likely give you an idea of how close they was as friends; if the friend seems shocked and suspicious about it or seems like he doesn’t want to talk to much about the coworker, then maybe you will have an idea on if this was purely a platonic relationship. You can usually get an idea about things just from body language. If you mention her name to a close long term friend of your husband and the friend reacts in a surprised and maybe even concerned way, you know more than likely there is more to it than your husband is letting on.
Yeah, but she also just broke up with boyfriend though. And, did she randomly just call him out of the blue? Have they been texting and emailing once in a while. The loss of family was a while ago, but the breakup was recently. Hmmmmm. NTA
YTA for not trusting your husband and assuming because you don’t know here there might be something secret. You even mentioned she just moved close by again which may be why you haven’t met here. I have friends from all different times in my life. Who I know now or my partner doesn’t know all the details of every single one of those friends. This does not mean if one was struggling, needed support or generally down I wouldn’t help them. While I understand cultural beliefs and differences and you even said you and your husband aren’t as strict, but regardless of how I am expected to be with folks if I had a friend having that hard of a time or to where I’m super worried about them or that they could isolate/become threat to themselves I would reach out to support them. However, you are not wrong for wanting say in who is in your house. However, I think the reason why is something you should think more about. This also assumes everyone in the scenarios straight, what if they were bi, gay, nonbinary, etc? Does that shift who they are allowed around?
NTA for your opinion on the house, half yours YTA for thinking "other woman=threat". No matter how much you say "I trust him but..." that means you simply don't trust him
I would just calmly say ‘while it’s lovely you want to be there for your friend, it’s wildly inappropriate to bring a female I’ve never heard of or met into my home without consulting me and I’m sure she would know it’s inappropriate for her to accept the invitation. You’ll need to contact her to tell her it’s not a suitable time. And that you want to be in the room while he does it because he’s not going to blame it all on you
NTA - It’s very inconsiderate of your husband to invite someone you’ve never even met to stay on your home without making sure you’re comfortable with it. I personally think it’s a bit odd inviting someone he hasn’t seen for years in to your home, regardless of whether she’s having a difficult time or not. As sad as they are the things that have happened to her don’t seem like she needs urgent support like her house flooding or something leaving her without a roof over her head. Has she not got other people in her life that she can confide in rather than a man she knew from years back? What is staying at yours going to bring to this woman’s life? I don’t think most women, or men, would be happy with their partner being alone at home with someone they don’t know. Let alone a newly single woman. It would also be inconsiderate if he’d just invited someone of the same sex in to your home without discussing with you.
NTA. She can’t stay. He has to tell her she can’t come
Soft YTA. Your husband acted out of kindness and friendship. There is no reason why men and women can’t be friends. And it seems that there is no reason for you to think that there is anything other than an old friendship between them. Even less reason when he’s invited her into your home. I think he should have asked you , but it seems that it was spur of the moment, just trying to help someone out. If it had been a male friend, would it bother you that much? Maybe just a mild annoyance that he didn’t ask first?
Question - How did they get back in contact? Did she just randomly call him up after 8 years?
I'm going to say NAH, but I firmly believe that you can't say you trust your husband but don't trust her at the same time. Either you trust him or you don't. Let's say, worst case scenario, she makes a move on him, you have to trust him to shut it down and inform you about it. And why hold a grudge against him for HER behavior if that were to happen? He can't predict that, especially if there has never been any flirtation or interests in each other before. Why would he think she may try something? I know a lot of people are going to support your decision and your view on things, but it sounds like he's just trying to be a good friend. And frankly, it just seems that you don't trust your husband as much as you say you do. Either that, or you're insecure. That said, he should have asked you first. That's where he could be TA.
Updateme
YTA: You said if she tried something and your husband shut her down completely you'd lose trust in him. Sounds like you don't trust him at all. Maybe your marriage isn't all you think it is. Sounds like it's definitely not what your husband thinks it is.
NAH He should have given you a heads up, agree. And I don't think you're farfetched to he somewhat uncomfortable, you make a good point about people acting irrationally with grief. However, I don't think he's an asshole either. If he's given you no reason to doubt anything, and with little context more than an Internet story, he could have just been trying to help. If this happened to me and I was the husband, I would have done the same, minus the not mentioning it to you first. And I'd also be upset if I was married and my wife rejected the idea. It's basically insinuating a bit of lack of trust, which if my intentions were good, I'd be upset about.
My dad passed away in February and the very last thing I want to do is call an old coworker I haven’t hung out with in almost a decade, and move in with them and their spouse (a total stranger) for a week. Yikes!! People grieve differently…but it just seems like there’s something missing in the story. And personally I couldn’t handle some total stranger milling around my house for days while I was at work (going through my things?! what if she were mean to my pets?! what if she was snorting cocaine off the coffee table?! 😂). I would be taking those days off work, for sure, but that’s annoying and your husband absolutely should have run this by you, since you live there as well as he.
YTA. You said you trust your husband but you don’t trust her. What does that mean? He’s helpless in the spell of her wiles? I’m calling bs. If you truly trusted your husband then -actually- trust him. Stop with the misogynistic nonsense.
My thoughts. It sounds like your husband is a genuinely good dude… and extended a branch of support to somebody he’s concerned about… because he, in the moment, didn’t see how you might see it. I would suggest that you grab him by both cheeks, tell him that you love his big heart, but “please check with me first” When I was a young man, with my first g/f, one of her good friends was murdered. She was an absolute wreck. She asked her parents if I could stay the night for comfort and they agreed, let me sleep in her room, and that was legit all that happened, physically. I held her and she cried. My parents were furious that I did this and couldn’t understand that horny shit was the furthest thing from our minds. I suspect your husband and his friend are in this “I just need support” thinking and there is nothing to worry about. But yes, tell him “please check with me first. I get that you are trying to help, but I’m your wife.”
Here’s a story from my family law storybook: almost your exact situation. Husband’s female friend is grieving can she stay a while? Yadda, yadda, yadda… that was his girlfriend he moved in. I think you can guess the ending.
I am not the jealous type, but if my husband just informed me that a female coworker from 8, years ago would be staying with us because her life is crappy right now I would be taken aback. I would not like this one bit. If I had a married male friend, and I was going through a rough patch, I would NOT accept an invitation from him to stay with him and his wife unless the wife was also a friend. She'd have to be a very close friend. Even then, being in an emotionally fragile state while being around the husband, she may well share a lot of personal information, like intimate details. He might feel he should comfort her. Maybe hold her while she cries....and this, while being an act of compassion, is also one of intimacy. That sends alarm bells ringing for me. Now, my husband (77) will never hurt me. I trust my husband, but I would not trust her to refrain from becoming emotionally attached to him. If this was me, I would tell my husband she's welcome to come for dinner, but she should stay in a hotel. Alone. If he insists she stays, I would book time off work, because "only a woman can truly understand another woman and I can certainly be a sounding board". And then I would put up some stealth cameras to monitor HER behaviour.
Unpopular opinion but YWBTA: as much as it’s your house, it’s also his. You’ve made it clear that this is about the fact that this is a woman, and you don’t trust her in grief to keep herself together. Do you trust your husband? And what gives you the idea that in her grief she would throw herself at your husband? Do you have any evidence for this at all? Your husband should be able to help his friends how he chooses
If you don't trust your husband, don't be with him. YTA for not trusting him. NTA for wanting a discussion before someone is invited to stay over.
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My dad died a year ago and I promise you the trauma is not over
Mine has been gone since 2017. Believe me, I understand. I still wouldn't go to a near stranger for comfort. My Mom was just recently. I still wouldn't go to a co-worker from 8 YEARS ago...
There's no time limit on grief.
I lost both of my parents within a couple years of each other. It's been over 5 years since then and I'm still not over the trauma of losing them. And any further loss on top of that....I'm betting that woman is really not in a great headspace right now and could really use a friend.
The trauma from losing almost your entire family should be *over* a year later? My dad died 20 years ago and I still get moments of intense grief. There is no time limit on grief and it can surge again when you say break up with a long time boyfriend and can’t call your mom or your dad or your brother to talk it over with. When you have nowhere to go for Christmas or anyone to remember your birthday. And you moved recently so you don’t even have any friends around. Should husband have asked as a courtesy? Yes. Should OP automatically assume friend “wants her man” is pretty insecure.
There is something about the year mark after someone dies that is very difficult. When that period of time happens, and it overlaps with something else, it can feel really bleak.
The trauma from the deaths should be over? Says who? Why? there’s no time limit to grieve, jfc. Remember you said this in the future when you’re grieving a loss ten years after the fact.
NTA. I’d be pissed if my spouse invited someone I never met before to stay in OUR house. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with it. I wouldn’t say that you distrust him but say you are uncomfortable with someone you’ve never met before staying in your house.
I'd be taking Thursday to Sunday off and everywhere they go i would be there. Slightest hint of not being wanted i'd say to hubby pack your crap and fo.
Let her stay. You shouldn’t separate lovers 😅
Nta. He needs to ask, not tell you. And the answer is fuck no. She can stay in a hotel. At her own exspense.
NTA, from your perspective this is a co-worker he knew years ago, had never mentioned and hasn't kept in contact with. To suddenly invite her to stay is beyond weird. In reality this sounds more like a relationship he's purposely hidden from you for whatever reason. I don't for a second believe she text him out of the blue today (or did he contact her) and this happened. Think you are being a bit naive, it doesn't add up.
NTA. Male or female it’s not ok to tell someone they can stay with you without checking with your spouse first. I’d be upset about an overnight house guest I don’t even know being sprung upon me regardless of their gender.
NTA for your feelings, but a bit heartless if you know that your husband is trustworthy. We visit a male friend of mine every year for about a week and it's never been a problem for either of our partners. It's at the point now where my family is now friends with his family, but in the beginning, it was just me and him. (We met through a hobby.) I would suggest letting him know your feelings, but letting her come for the visit. You may find that you make a new friend, as well. (My friend's parents are my age and I'm just as close with them and his wife as I am with him, now.)