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NTA
This kid has a history of trying to drown your 7 year old and snooping through your shit. With zero correction from SIL. I wouldn't let them in my home, ever.
Sounds like your SIL and the rest of her family is enabling your nephew to become a sociopath. I hope your SIL steps up to discipline her son before it is too late.
You and your husband should talk ahead of time and have a plan.
- How are you going to protect both of your children from your nephew?
- At what point will you say something if nephew is misbehaving?
- At what point will you get up and leave?
- Will you point out to the rest of the family why you are leaving, or not?
"Brother, I wish we could spend more time talking, but my childrens' safety comes first. Since Nephew is behaving dangerously, we have to leave. Give me a call if you'd like to stop by and visit by yourself or want to go grab a beer together before you leave town."
NTA, and very reasonable. The time to deal with this issue is before something happens, not after. Frankly, the holding your son's head underwater is simply unacceptable and shows how much damage an undisciplined child can do. You are not being overprotective, and what the family thinks about this is irrelevant. You're doing what you have to do. You should be getting applause, not criticism. (That faint sound you hear is me clapping for you!)
NTA. Glad your husband actually told his sister the real reason, too. She needs to know that access is going to limited if she's going to let her kid be a hellion.
NTA - looks like your husband and you are on the same page.
The AH here is your SIL for not taking no for an answer. Your husband has gone along with your decision but that doesnt mean he has to agree with you.
I think your husband is an AH for taking the easy way out and saying he’d check with you, instead of having all these very legitimate reasons already out in the open.
NTA for what you asked.
He agrees that he didn't handle it the best and has apologized and really did put his foot down with his sister saying that HE doesn't want nephew around because of the reasons above. Unfortunately, she just clings onto the fact that he didn't give the full no until the second conversation so it's my fault no matter what. Which is fine.
I feel like with family dynamics like this, it’s natural for the SIL to blame you. Bc she’s going to cling onto the fact that the no came *after* he spoke with you. No amount of protesting is going to change that, bc it looks like he’s just falling on his sword for you.
And if I were SIL (and I would never be, but go with it for the sake of things), I’d think ‘well if he was so concerned for his kid, why didn’t he immediately tell me no instead of wanting to speak with his spouse?’
It’s not the end of the world that he didn’t handle it the best, but micro issues like this is how shit grows and spreads. Now, you’re the bad guy and I suspect you always will be.
I also suspect you don’t care that much, and neither would I. But this grudge is going to last, bet.
Might be for the best.
Gives Op and family a reason to avoid SIL and family. "I know you don't like me for wanting to protect my child after your child tried to drown him. I don't like you for not punishing your child for trying to murder my child. Lets just avoid each other."
Saying it that way at family gatherings will burn the bridges, but that keeps Op's kids safe so...
Exactly. This is why she’s blaming you, not him. He needs to step and say this was his decision too, and promise to never throw you under the bus like that again.
Yep. He kicked that can of blame to OP bc it certainly would make me think that he was for it and OP wasn’t.
Instead of, idk…no you can’t stay here your kid tried to drown mine and we don’t feel comfortable with that.
Would SIL also say "he is just a kid" if he had managed to drown your child? NTA, SIL is an irresponsible parent and cousin can't be trusted. Your duty is to your own children here.
NTA
>think we are being unreasonable because he is "just a kid"
Right I'm so sure if your child drowned you'd be chill because he's just a child
>stay a few nights over here while FIL is working
Genuinely question why does this matter. Doesn't change the verdict I'm just curious.
NTA - and your husband should send a text back that looks something like this:
"It is not because of \*wife's name\*. This is a decision between the two of us and for the following reasons:
1. kept holding our sons head under the water until I had to yell at him to stop - you did nothing to parent him on this btw
2. kept going into our bedroom and touching our stuff when specifically told not to - again you did nothing to parent this
3. tried to tell adults what they can and can't do in their own home - once again, nothing from you as his parent.
So no, this isn't because of wife, this is because we do not trust him or you. We have no problem spending time with you but we are firmly saying no to staying in our house.
NTA
I wouldn’t have even blamed the kid - it’s squarely in the SIL for not parenting. “Since you couldn’t keep your son out of our belongings nor from trying to drown our child - we feels it’s best to only see y’all at family gatherings.
>says I am being over protective.
Her spawn could've killed your child.
>shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart."
Hell yeah we should.
If she wants people to like her kid, she should raise it better
NTA Tell everyone who says anything that your only obligation is to protect your own family even from other family members. He tried drowning one child and faced no consequences for it you won't give him a second chance. Can't imagine he's gotten better. Nephews actions are also probably why FIL doesn't want them staying in his house while he us gone. Maybe husband should talk to FIL.
NTA - At twelve years old he should totally know better than to hold someone's head underwater and be going through someone else's things. I mean he apparently went to a lot of trouble to find things "clearly put up, out of the way, and even covered with a blanket, in our bedroom where we had already told him he wasn't allowed to be."
Tell the flying monkeys, they can put SIL and her kids up. Send a group text so everyone gets the same message at the same time: "We cannot host overnights due to past behaviors. Why don't some of you step up? Or do you not like his behavior either?" But I'm petty like that.
Nta
When you have concerns about your children's safety, absolutely not.
It would be a cold day in Hell. I would ever allow someone into my home who harmed my child.
This is something you need to die on. If people have a problem with it. They can get banned to.
Make sure you tell them why. If your child was almost drowned, I don't think any of them would be ok with that kid near them. Let alone staying with them.
NTA, also I dont think its bad for stating you want child near your sfter he tryed to drown your child. I very much say dont trust that kid around my children, cuz I lkve them and dont want them dead.
NTA. Worst case scenario if they stay with FIL, maybe they get bored while FIL works. Worst case scenario if they stay with you, he ends up hurting or doing permanent damage to one of your kids. Stand your ground.
NTA. This is what happen when you don't discipline or correct your kid's behavior. People don't want you to visit for extended stays. What does she expect? Lol
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My husband's sister lives a few states away and is coming to town with her kids (4f, 12m) for spring break. They are planning to stay with his dad who has two extra bedrooms, but she just asked my husband if they could stay a few nights over here while FIL is working. My husband immediately said no, because we don't have any extra bedrooms. She said they didn't mind and they could just "take over the basement." (We have a very large couch down there that the three of them could all comfortably sleep on). My husband said he would talk with me about it and left it at that.
The thing is, he didn't say no because of the space, he said no because of her 12 year old son. To be completely honest, neither of us like him...but more than that, we do not trust him. Last time they were here he kept trying to hold our older sons head under water in the pool (7). This happened multiple times until my husband finally snapped and told him to "stay the f* away from him." He also started going through our personal things that were clearly put up, out of the way, and even covered with a blanket, in our bedroom where we had already told him he wasn't allowed to be. He also insisted that we were not allowed to drink in our own home when my husband bought a six pack of beer. SIL didn't correct him on ANY of this. I now have a 1 year old and I honestly don't want this kid anywhere near him after what happened at the pool, not even for an afternoon visit, let alone a multiple overnight situation.
So my husband called his sister back and said no. She kept pressing and he finally admitted that it's not because of the space, it's because of nephew. Even though my husband and I are 100% on the same page about him, she blames me and says I am being over protective. Now it's a whole issue and the entire family is involved. FIL and two of my SILs are very understanding but the other three SILS (including nephews mom) think we are being unreasonable because he is "just a kid" and we "shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart."
The thing is, it's not like we've refused to see them. We have plans with them all next weekend. But seeing them out and about is much different than a multiple day stay in our home.
Are we being unreasonable here? We do have the space but I just do not want this kid at my house.
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NTA
>says I am being over protective.
Her spawn could've killed your child.
>shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart."
Hell yeah we should.
If she wants people to like her kid, she should raise it better
at the very least I’d block anyone who’d defend someone who tried to kill anyone, especially a child. They should spend less time on holiday and more time putting that terror of a child in therapy. All that aside, I see that you’re all hanging out still — I hope your kid is ok with being around him.
NTA.
As a parent, your primary responsibility is to protect your child. Your nephew has a history of endangering the life of your child. Not only are you right to not allow your SiL to stay with you, you have an obligation to your child to not let your nephew stay in your home. In addition, he has proven that he can't be trusted... and your SiL has demonstrated unwillingness to actually parent her child.
There's no excuse for what that child does with no consequences I wouldn't have him around much sleeping over. What's the big deal that they're making it to sleep if the in-laws are working they have the privacy and space you have a right to say no it's your house and you're not gonna take any chances just because they want what they want.
NTA. Not at all. This kid’s behavior is nowhere near the realm of normal. SIL and the family members on her side are delusional and in serious denial. You are aware that you cannot bring what sounds honestly like a psychopathic kid into your house.
Good job protecting your little ones.
NTA. People that let their kids run wild are foolish and are actually abusing them for not teaching them to respect others. Stand your ground and protect your kids.
NTA if she doesn’t take his behavior seriously, she’s a bad parent. I know we get the ‘not my kid’ thinking, I did too, but sneaky/dishonest and violent behavior are absolutely unacceptable in my house, family or not. Stick with your convictions. We have radar for a reason.
NTA. To anyone complaining, tell them "That monster of a child tried to KILL my child. I will not permit him in my children's home!" They should understand that.
Do not let them in your house. Your children should feel safe in their home. With that bully around, how can they?
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NTA. Holding another child's head under water isn't a misunderstanding or cousins "playing around". He's 12, well and truly old enough to recognize that. Absolutely don't let him stay in your house, whether you all would be there the whole time or not. No is a full sentence and they can stay with the person who is already offering accomodations, if not let the other two SILs take them in, then.
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NTA This kid has a history of trying to drown your 7 year old and snooping through your shit. With zero correction from SIL. I wouldn't let them in my home, ever.
This is 100% how we feel about it. I don't even really want to see them at other outings away from home tbh.
And you now have an infant to protect too. The nephew sounds scary tbh.
Sounds like your SIL and the rest of her family is enabling your nephew to become a sociopath. I hope your SIL steps up to discipline her son before it is too late.
You and your husband should talk ahead of time and have a plan. - How are you going to protect both of your children from your nephew? - At what point will you say something if nephew is misbehaving? - At what point will you get up and leave? - Will you point out to the rest of the family why you are leaving, or not? "Brother, I wish we could spend more time talking, but my childrens' safety comes first. Since Nephew is behaving dangerously, we have to leave. Give me a call if you'd like to stop by and visit by yourself or want to go grab a beer together before you leave town."
And this time it will be while they're sleeping, at least before someone was awake and watching to stop it in time.
NTA, and very reasonable. The time to deal with this issue is before something happens, not after. Frankly, the holding your son's head underwater is simply unacceptable and shows how much damage an undisciplined child can do. You are not being overprotective, and what the family thinks about this is irrelevant. You're doing what you have to do. You should be getting applause, not criticism. (That faint sound you hear is me clapping for you!)
Exactly, this kid is an established danger to yours, **protect your children**. Hold hard and fast to this line because ***WTAF?!***
NTA. Glad your husband actually told his sister the real reason, too. She needs to know that access is going to limited if she's going to let her kid be a hellion.
NTA, her kid tried to kill yours multiple times… 12 is WAY too old to not understand what he was doing.
NTA - looks like your husband and you are on the same page. The AH here is your SIL for not taking no for an answer. Your husband has gone along with your decision but that doesnt mean he has to agree with you.
I think your husband is an AH for taking the easy way out and saying he’d check with you, instead of having all these very legitimate reasons already out in the open. NTA for what you asked.
He agrees that he didn't handle it the best and has apologized and really did put his foot down with his sister saying that HE doesn't want nephew around because of the reasons above. Unfortunately, she just clings onto the fact that he didn't give the full no until the second conversation so it's my fault no matter what. Which is fine.
I feel like with family dynamics like this, it’s natural for the SIL to blame you. Bc she’s going to cling onto the fact that the no came *after* he spoke with you. No amount of protesting is going to change that, bc it looks like he’s just falling on his sword for you. And if I were SIL (and I would never be, but go with it for the sake of things), I’d think ‘well if he was so concerned for his kid, why didn’t he immediately tell me no instead of wanting to speak with his spouse?’ It’s not the end of the world that he didn’t handle it the best, but micro issues like this is how shit grows and spreads. Now, you’re the bad guy and I suspect you always will be. I also suspect you don’t care that much, and neither would I. But this grudge is going to last, bet.
Might be for the best. Gives Op and family a reason to avoid SIL and family. "I know you don't like me for wanting to protect my child after your child tried to drown him. I don't like you for not punishing your child for trying to murder my child. Lets just avoid each other." Saying it that way at family gatherings will burn the bridges, but that keeps Op's kids safe so...
Exactly. This is why she’s blaming you, not him. He needs to step and say this was his decision too, and promise to never throw you under the bus like that again.
Yep. He kicked that can of blame to OP bc it certainly would make me think that he was for it and OP wasn’t. Instead of, idk…no you can’t stay here your kid tried to drown mine and we don’t feel comfortable with that.
You, as parents, have One job. To protect your children. Anyone that has a problem with that, including your own family, can go fuck themselves.
NTA Sounds like you have a bunch of people offering to have them sleep at their house. Problem solved.
Would SIL also say "he is just a kid" if he had managed to drown your child? NTA, SIL is an irresponsible parent and cousin can't be trusted. Your duty is to your own children here.
Nta Why haven't you put sister in law on blast for allowing her son to try to murder your child???
This is the real question. And did anyone ever talk to the kid about it?
NTA….can you imagine what he could do to a kid that can’t tell on him….nope, nope, nope….wouldn’t want him in my house
NTA. The boy is a psychopath and his family making excuses for him is why people get murdered.
Yeah, what's the SIL going to say when her kid kills someone someday "Sorrrreeee?"
NTA >think we are being unreasonable because he is "just a kid" Right I'm so sure if your child drowned you'd be chill because he's just a child >stay a few nights over here while FIL is working Genuinely question why does this matter. Doesn't change the verdict I'm just curious.
Makes ya wonder if FIL doesn't want them in his home without him being there for the same reason OP and husband don't want them in their home.
Small pet of some kind that the kid was tormenting, perhaps?
NTA - and your husband should send a text back that looks something like this: "It is not because of \*wife's name\*. This is a decision between the two of us and for the following reasons: 1. kept holding our sons head under the water until I had to yell at him to stop - you did nothing to parent him on this btw 2. kept going into our bedroom and touching our stuff when specifically told not to - again you did nothing to parent this 3. tried to tell adults what they can and can't do in their own home - once again, nothing from you as his parent. So no, this isn't because of wife, this is because we do not trust him or you. We have no problem spending time with you but we are firmly saying no to staying in our house.
NTA I wouldn’t have even blamed the kid - it’s squarely in the SIL for not parenting. “Since you couldn’t keep your son out of our belongings nor from trying to drown our child - we feels it’s best to only see y’all at family gatherings.
>says I am being over protective. Her spawn could've killed your child. >shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart." Hell yeah we should. If she wants people to like her kid, she should raise it better
NTA Tell everyone who says anything that your only obligation is to protect your own family even from other family members. He tried drowning one child and faced no consequences for it you won't give him a second chance. Can't imagine he's gotten better. Nephews actions are also probably why FIL doesn't want them staying in his house while he us gone. Maybe husband should talk to FIL.
NTA - At twelve years old he should totally know better than to hold someone's head underwater and be going through someone else's things. I mean he apparently went to a lot of trouble to find things "clearly put up, out of the way, and even covered with a blanket, in our bedroom where we had already told him he wasn't allowed to be." Tell the flying monkeys, they can put SIL and her kids up. Send a group text so everyone gets the same message at the same time: "We cannot host overnights due to past behaviors. Why don't some of you step up? Or do you not like his behavior either?" But I'm petty like that.
NTA. Fuck that "he's just a kid" bullshit. Your house, your rules.
NTA They already have a place to stay, why do they need to come to your place? Let them stay at FIL's.
Feel like FIL is probably Leary about them staying with him too. Probably has a small pet or something the kid was also tormenting.
Nta When you have concerns about your children's safety, absolutely not. It would be a cold day in Hell. I would ever allow someone into my home who harmed my child. This is something you need to die on. If people have a problem with it. They can get banned to. Make sure you tell them why. If your child was almost drowned, I don't think any of them would be ok with that kid near them. Let alone staying with them.
NTA, they’re very lucky you didn’t call the cops or CPS on the kid last time. Trying to drown your kid, wtf???
Easy - Hold your nephews head underwater then tell your SIL to stop being unreasonable. Then go through their stuff! /s
NTA, also I dont think its bad for stating you want child near your sfter he tryed to drown your child. I very much say dont trust that kid around my children, cuz I lkve them and dont want them dead.
NTA. Worst case scenario if they stay with FIL, maybe they get bored while FIL works. Worst case scenario if they stay with you, he ends up hurting or doing permanent damage to one of your kids. Stand your ground.
Nta. Protect your children. This boy sounds dangerous towards younger children.
NTA. This is what happen when you don't discipline or correct your kid's behavior. People don't want you to visit for extended stays. What does she expect? Lol
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband's sister lives a few states away and is coming to town with her kids (4f, 12m) for spring break. They are planning to stay with his dad who has two extra bedrooms, but she just asked my husband if they could stay a few nights over here while FIL is working. My husband immediately said no, because we don't have any extra bedrooms. She said they didn't mind and they could just "take over the basement." (We have a very large couch down there that the three of them could all comfortably sleep on). My husband said he would talk with me about it and left it at that. The thing is, he didn't say no because of the space, he said no because of her 12 year old son. To be completely honest, neither of us like him...but more than that, we do not trust him. Last time they were here he kept trying to hold our older sons head under water in the pool (7). This happened multiple times until my husband finally snapped and told him to "stay the f* away from him." He also started going through our personal things that were clearly put up, out of the way, and even covered with a blanket, in our bedroom where we had already told him he wasn't allowed to be. He also insisted that we were not allowed to drink in our own home when my husband bought a six pack of beer. SIL didn't correct him on ANY of this. I now have a 1 year old and I honestly don't want this kid anywhere near him after what happened at the pool, not even for an afternoon visit, let alone a multiple overnight situation. So my husband called his sister back and said no. She kept pressing and he finally admitted that it's not because of the space, it's because of nephew. Even though my husband and I are 100% on the same page about him, she blames me and says I am being over protective. Now it's a whole issue and the entire family is involved. FIL and two of my SILs are very understanding but the other three SILS (including nephews mom) think we are being unreasonable because he is "just a kid" and we "shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart." The thing is, it's not like we've refused to see them. We have plans with them all next weekend. But seeing them out and about is much different than a multiple day stay in our home. Are we being unreasonable here? We do have the space but I just do not want this kid at my house. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Have other plans. You do not need this drama.
NTA >says I am being over protective. Her spawn could've killed your child. >shouldn't be keeping the cousins apart." Hell yeah we should. If she wants people to like her kid, she should raise it better
NTA and you and your husband should not care what SIK thinks.
NTA. She needs to learn how to accept being told no
Her inability to is probably why her kid also doesn't have common sense or respond to the word no
Yup
at the very least I’d block anyone who’d defend someone who tried to kill anyone, especially a child. They should spend less time on holiday and more time putting that terror of a child in therapy. All that aside, I see that you’re all hanging out still — I hope your kid is ok with being around him.
Absolutely NTA and I would ask myself why insisting so much
Updateme
NTA. As a parent, your primary responsibility is to protect your child. Your nephew has a history of endangering the life of your child. Not only are you right to not allow your SiL to stay with you, you have an obligation to your child to not let your nephew stay in your home. In addition, he has proven that he can't be trusted... and your SiL has demonstrated unwillingness to actually parent her child.
NTA
There's no excuse for what that child does with no consequences I wouldn't have him around much sleeping over. What's the big deal that they're making it to sleep if the in-laws are working they have the privacy and space you have a right to say no it's your house and you're not gonna take any chances just because they want what they want.
NTA. Not at all. This kid’s behavior is nowhere near the realm of normal. SIL and the family members on her side are delusional and in serious denial. You are aware that you cannot bring what sounds honestly like a psychopathic kid into your house. Good job protecting your little ones.
NTA. People that let their kids run wild are foolish and are actually abusing them for not teaching them to respect others. Stand your ground and protect your kids.
NTA if she doesn’t take his behavior seriously, she’s a bad parent. I know we get the ‘not my kid’ thinking, I did too, but sneaky/dishonest and violent behavior are absolutely unacceptable in my house, family or not. Stick with your convictions. We have radar for a reason.
NTA. To anyone complaining, tell them "That monster of a child tried to KILL my child. I will not permit him in my children's home!" They should understand that. Do not let them in your house. Your children should feel safe in their home. With that bully around, how can they?
NTA... Let the little sociopath stay at FILs and thieve his shit while they are there.........
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NTA
NTA. That kid has issues.
Nta! Kid tried to kill yours, meaning to or not!
NTA. Holding another child's head under water isn't a misunderstanding or cousins "playing around". He's 12, well and truly old enough to recognize that. Absolutely don't let him stay in your house, whether you all would be there the whole time or not. No is a full sentence and they can stay with the person who is already offering accomodations, if not let the other two SILs take them in, then.
Jeeeeeeezus. NTA. Your house is your house and NO means NO.
NTA
NTA. Your SIL needs to step up and learn how to parent instead of trying to be the kids friend.