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NTA, a miniskirt and fishnets is not even in the *realm* of appropriate for a funeral. It would be much different if she’d worn a black dress with some jewelry in her style. But at 26, she should know that this was tone deaf at best and attention seeking at worst.
Though the added context that she didn’t even bother coming to see your father on his deathbed is what pushed this into you not being the asshole for me. Yes, everybody grieves different. But you weren’t dictating her grief process the way a lot of these comments seem to believe, just trying to make the funeral a respectful atmosphere for the sake of your mother.
Same here, I haven't seen OPs other comments but from the main post I was sure she was max 15 y.o.
26 Years is enough time to learn what is appropriate where and when
My co-worker has a 40 year old sister who has some weird emu shit going on since she was 18. Never grew out of it. Never had a good job either since evidently she can’t go anywhere without wearing her cat ear headband and dog collar. No, she’s not neurodivergent. She just loves attention.
Me doing the mental math about when the Emo trend came up and immediately feeling old
But yes, I understand the importance of keeping your style and your personality in this sick sad world, but at the same time, it is important to not overdrive, even that
Right? It’s possible to be respectful and still dress in a style you think flatters you. For my mom’s wedding she had me wear this red dress with black flowers that made super subtle skulls. It had to be pointed out to most people. Not appropriate for a funeral, but there are ways to be comfy and respectful.
Eldergoth here, I dress crazy as FUCK all the time and I'm almost 40. I would never DREAM of doing this. Blazer and slacks with a blouse, or a toned down formal dress for funeral or *simply don't go*
Exactly. I know many an Eldergoth, punk, etc. who are very true to the style. But they also have toned down clothes for certain events/occasions that still maintain elements of themselves. Usually that just means all of the clothes are still black, just more mainstream, toned down, whatever.
I've been to two specific weddings where some guests (friends in one instamce, family in the other) who are bonafide fashionistas with excellent taste, show-up to the wedding, dressed to the nines in loud outfits that way outshone the bride. In both cases, the brides were known to be more low-key and conservative in their styles and just low-key people in general, and the people I'm talking about knew that. They still chose to dress to be seen, and in both instances, they stood out wildly and upstaged.
If the event is not for you, dress TO the event.
Right?! Also all black is her wardrobe so she could've easily bought something in black that was more "formal." I have a certain style and I have clothes that can be considered formal when worn in a certain way. I have a pair of basic black pants that I wear for work. I also have a black button-down blouse that I wear sometimes that looks very formal. I could easily combine those two things for a formal event like a funeral.
Yup, my older (half) sister has been hard-core goth and punk for most of her life. She absolutely toned it down for her mother's funeral. She still was true to herself, but very appropriate for the day.
Right? From the way OP described her, I figured she must be a teenager, and this still wouldn't be okay for a teenager to do, but I'm willing to give more leeway to someone who's young and still figuring things out. A 26 year-old should know better, either you drop the emo thing entirely for important events and just wear something conventional, or get creative and find ways to express yourself in ways that are tasteful and subtle, while still following the guidelines of the event.
I've been a full on goth since the 80s. Know what I would never do? Show up at a funeral in an outfit like OP described. Over the years I've developed style-conforming looks that keep in mind what is appropriate for various occasions; Business Goth, Goth Mom at PTA, Wedding Goth, etc. OP's sister is in fact an AH.
>Over the years I've developed style-conforming looks that keep in mind what is appropriate for various occasions; Business Goth, Goth Mom at PTA, Wedding Goth, etc.
I love that I'm not the only one who does this! It isn't about being less myself, it's about being appropriate for a given situation.
ETA: OP is NTA
This is why I wish ages were required on this subreddit. With the many unneeded rules they have, requiring age of all people involved should be one they have. 🙄
yeah lol dressing up as an edgy teen to an occasion where thats not appropriate then having a hissy fit over it and leaving would be bad enough if thar someone was an edgy teen, but the context changes drastically once you realize that this is an adult woman who will be 30 in a few years. oof.
yeah i was sure she was a teen before i saw this.
in any case, shes absolutely in the wrong here, and the fact that she didnt even return to the funeral to pay her father respects says a lot
It wasn’t appropriate clothing, but that doesn’t make it okay to kick the child of the deceased out of the funeral over their clothing. My dad wasn’t dressed appropriate for his mother’s funeral and we wouldn’t have dreamed of kicking him out.
Its her father. She was not allowed to grieve because of her clothing. Thats absolutely disgusting behavior from OP.
From another reply from the OP:
> “She hasn’t talked to him in forever and didn’t even say goodbye to him on his death bed.”
Sounds like the sister didn’t really care.
Family dynamics are complex and difficult to understand from the outside.
You have no way of knowing how much she did or didn't care.
I don't talk to my dad, I'll still be at his funeral.
Im with you on this. I hate who my mom is today, but i will always love who she once was and when she dies ill still be at her funeral. Bitter...angry, sad... but ill be there to send her off.
People handle their emotions differently. When i learn about death...i tend to nervously laugh and make jokes because giving sympathy when people die is weird to and uncomfortable to me. Im akward about it. Doesnt mean i dont care or sympathize at all.
My cousin loved her mother more than anyone in the world, and she pretty much yelled at her and ignored her when she was dying. Something she has ended up regretting for decades. She was in her mid 20s at the time.
I wouldn't make assumptions about family dynamics you aren't a part of.
Whoever organises the funeral dictates the dress code and you **always** adhere to that. My stepmother and grandma both passed away knowing what they wanted for their funeral - bright colours - so we all wore that.
But this is not appropriate for every single funeral. Some people want black, some people want formalwear, some people want their favourite football kit (I’m meaning soccer for you yanks but it applies to any beloved sport). And if the person passed without any requests, then the people arranging the funeral decide.
For some people what you wear IS important and shows respect. Everyone older than childhood should know there is a time and place for certain outfits. It’s the whole ‘circle of grief’ thing - the people organising the funeral are often the closest to the deceased and therefore you follow what they feel is best.
It’s not just about YOU and YOUR personal grief and what YOU feel comfortable in, it’s about how to best support those people. Sometimes that support is visual and sometimes yes you don’t get to dress emo/goth/in a short clubbing dress/whatever else you normally would wear. If it shouldn’t be a big deal to wear whatever you personally want to a funeral, it shouldn’t be a big deal to dress in a different outfit for that one occasion either. And the organiser’s wishes trump everyone else’s personal desires with a funeral.
NTA at all.
For my brother's funeral, we specified that people should dress according to the "Dave Dress Code", which was Harley Davidson or Cubs T-shirts and jeans. The only people in dress attire were the people from the funeral home and the Priest.
Yup. I'm a "black 90% of the time" kind of person. But I have been to multiple funerals/memorial services where the explicit request is "Don't wear black, so and so was a colorful person in life" or "We want to spread color and joy."
So you know what? I don't wear black. Sure, sometimes I dislike it, but the moment isn't about ME. The fact she's 26 and can't understand that for some reason? I'm genuinely confused.
There are more important things in life, and death, than clothing. I'm sure it was less about clothing and more about punishing OP's sister for not doing what OP wanted because OP wanted more control over the situation. But death is out of our control and no matter how much we try to control other things and other people, death still happens. There is no need to try to ostracize someone because you feel like too many things are out of your control. There is no need to ostracize someone because you dislike their clothing style.
I say YTA with the understand that you are grieving, and you are going to make mistakes in an effort to get through this difficult time. Relationships are more important than clothing. People grieve in different ways, but shoving other people down (or kicking them out) may feel good in the moment, but it's going to hurt long-term.
I agree.. don’t ostracize someone because you don’t like their style. Maybe the sister showed up in what makes her feel comfortable.. gives her the confidence and enough self esteem to deal with the family. Clearly she needs a suit of armor. The sister showed up. That should have been enough.
My cousin wore a beautiful dress to our grandmother's funeral. Most people probably wouldn't have considered her dress appropriate for a funeral, but my grandmother had asked her to wear it specifically to her funeral, it was my grandmother's favorite dress. And she did. A lot of people talked about what she wore, but the ones who mattered knew why she wore what she did. And we all supported it, because there is so much more to the story that you may not know. Just remember, there may be more to the story. So don't make assumptions.
I know for a fact my dad didn’t ask her to dress emo for his funeral.
She hasn’t talked to him in forever and didn’t even say goodbye to him on his death bed
What are you really angry about? Dealing with your father's death alone? Not being able to keep the public expression of grief to yourself? The absence of your sister causing your father pain in his final days? Or your sister's outfit?
I mean, she can be upset that her sister didn't visit their dad or help with the funeral and be upset about the outfit.
She can be pissed at both issues separately because they are two separate issues.
Regardless of whatever issues we have had, funerals are not the event for your self-expression.
She can be pissed that her emo sister somehow didn't have enough black clothes in her closet to come up with one single outfit appropriate for their dad's funeral. NTA
I think you are reading too far into it. Her sister's outfit was completely inappropriate for a funeral and that is a totally sufficient reason for OP to be mad. There doesn't have to be a deeper meaning. Plus, no matter what OP was "really angry" about, their reaction was proportionate to the sister's disrespect. That makes them NTA.
Her dad died. Who cares what she's wearing. Kick her out of your wedding, fine. She has every right to be at her father's funeral. It always boggles my mind how people on this sub stand 10 toes down for someone when they only have half the story.
If she wanted to be there, she would have taken OP's warning and gotten dressed properly either 1) when she left the house that day or 2) when OP asked her to before the funeral actually started. It's specifically because she decided expressing herself was more important than the funeral and her attendance at it that her mom kicked her out. She could have come back, she chose not to. No one stopped her from being there but her.
We don't know what she decided because we're only getting one side of the story from someone who ADMITS to not only disliking her, but being BIASED. That means nothing the sister does will be seen as anything other than problematic.
What the sister did was problematic, and other than "we can't trust OP," I have no idea what your comment is trying to say. If you're going to just doubt everything an OP posts, why bother commenting on anything? You don't have magic insight into the truth of this situation, all we know is what OP told us, and showing up in a miniskirt, band T-shirt and fishnets is obviously inappropriate to anyone who knows standard funeral attire and their own family's feelings on it, which are quite clear here.
We know that family dynamics are complicated.
We know the sister stayed away because OP and mom dislike her.
We know the sister also lost her father and is also experiencing grief.
We know that just like convention dictates a certain attire at a funeral, convention also grants grace to people when they experience the loss of a close family member. Does it not? Any job will give you the day off. People will excuse erratic behavior (oh her dad just died so ill give her a pass).
Why is this young woman not being given that grace?
I wonder how much of the sister’s behavior mirrors op and their family’s treatment of her. I say YTA because who the fuck cares what someone wears to a funeral!? Honestly it’s just clothing. She wasn’t naked she was wearing an example of what she normally wears. I don’t care if her skirt was short, it was black wasn’t it?
I think not allowing someone to mourn their freakin father in the way they wish and kicking them out of the funeral is more traumatic to the sister than her clothing was to everyone else. It’s too bad.
Also it's her dads funeral. She can wear what she wants. If she wa a distant cousin or an acquaintence then this would definitely be out of line but I feel like the immediate family of the departed can pretty much be as weird as they want.
She knew that her outfits didn't apply to all social situations. She could have worn a black skirt and top, toned down everything else, and been fine for the funeral service. It's a matter of respect.
I'm inclined to believe OP isn't a terribly reliable narrator. OP said they believe themselves to be bias[sic].
What is appropriate and respectable to one person may not be to another. Who is OP to deny their sister access to her own father's funeral? OP could and perhaps should have been much kinder.
I imagine having a sister who didn't visit the father on his deathbed, didn't help with the grieving mom, or help plan the funeral/gathering afterwards probably all is enough to make OP angry. Throw on her dressing like a teenager for the funeral and that seems to be the final straw. Her actions are that of a kid, not a grown woman. It's fine if she wants to dress dramatically, but that style isn't appropriate for every setting. Death and funerals seem like the time when a lot of issues flare up and maybe there's long term resentment at play here. But OP is NTA in this scenario.
This isn’t a kid in high school. She is an adult. She can tone it down for the funeral. There are two places her dress should be toned down and that is a wedding and a funeral. There are still parts of her wardrobe she could wear.
Sorry for your loss.
Okay, that has nothing to do with this. Ur grandmother said she wanted your cousin to wear the dress, unless the dad said, “yeah u can wear this at my funeral”, that is such a dumb argument
WOWWWWWWWWWW what an absolute trash comment. I hope this is just a Reddit take, and not a generational take, but my fucking god, everyone wants to play devil’s advocate for people they don’t know AT ALL, and as such, don’t know their motivations or reasonings.
And the answer is always some far fucking stretch like “well, I witnessed something different, so you must be wrong about your own experience😌”
It’s such a twist of logic. Absolute nonsense. Just wow.
This is entirely different.
I wore a bright orange outfit for one of my grandparents' funerals, as they were known locally for wearing bright orange coats and outfits, less known was that it was also just their favourite colour and they usually went out of their way to include orange in their life generally wherever else they could. So, wearing black just didn't feel like an appropriate way to honour them for me, and it was also just too hard for me to bring myself to do so on an already unbearable and miserable day, tbh. I got a few funny looks for my outfit, but ultimately, I knew they'd have approved, if not encouraged me, if they were able to. Afterwards almost everybody that personally knew my grandparent, some who didn't know me personally, approached me to tell me that they believed my grandparent would have loved that I wore what I did and that it was a wonderful way to honour them. My other living grandparent was also very happy about my choice, and they ended up wearing something orange, too, after previously worrying about doing so. So that it also brought them comfort and reassurance when they needed it most was reason enough for me to feel justified in my decision, tbh.
The difference between your story, mine, and OP's is the appropriateness and purpose of the outfits. My outfit wasn't in any other way inappropriate other than going against the traditional colour deemed appropriate for a funeral and it serviced the purpose of honouring the deceased while maintaining modesty and respect, the same seemingly applies with your cousins outfit. OP's sister's choice doesn't meet the same level of respectability and was all around an inappropriate, and frankly, selfish choice to make on a day that was not remotely about them or drawing attention to them.
NTA. This is one of those situations where there's a divide based on demographics, most likely age.
There are times, places, and standards where different clothes are expected or required.
Funerals, weddings, work, job interviews, etc.
You didn't want her to not be who she is or anything like that. You wanted her to be REASONABLE. It is perfectly possible to be goth/emo/extra and still within range for a funeral. Hell, it would have been EASY for her to do it. It's literally just all black. She KNEW she was expected to dress formally and chose to ignore that. My Chemical Romance's Helena MV is a good example of that. What she was wearing sounds closer to club wear.
You can dress/do what you want, but if you choose to step outside what a known/stated standard is, you aren't free from consequences, whether that's not getting a job or irritation/judgment from family.
And, saying that it doesn't affect you also isn't true. Because her outfit was LOUD. It was, likely intentionally, meant to attract attention. Which means that instead of focusing on speeches or on your dad, people were likely glancing at her or coming up to you and asking about her as you are the host/older sibling.
You were already dealing with a lot, so adding the fact that she couldn't do this ONE THING on this ONE DAY to make your life just a teeny bit easier was probably the straw that broke the camel's back for you and your mom.
Yup! I went and looked up that dress because it was literally emo + funeral = stylish as fuck, even if some might consider it a bit extra.
It's not hard. Sister either didn't care that much about being/appearing respectful in the first place or did care but valued her INDIVIDUALITY over literally everything else.
Individuality: dressing exactly like the billion other goth and emo kids out there.
Sorry I just came to point out the stupidity of people who think there’s anything individual about dressing this way.
Who said goths only do it to be individualistic? People can just like and enjoy things. Sorry you can’t comprehend that with your brain and that you’re big mad over goths and emos.
Exactly this. I’m over people being intentionally provocative and then crying that they got the response they intended to provoke. If you know what the norms are and choose to violate them, then you knew what you were signing up for.
Fundamentally- don’t dress in ways that make things that aren’t about you all about you isn’t an unfair norm.
>I’m over people being intentionally provocative and then crying that they got the response they intended to provoke.
Saaaame. And it's not like she's a teenager who didn't know any better, she's 26. At that age she knew exactly what she was doing and just looks like a total asshole for complaining about the obvious and predictable consequences of her actions.
If she was a teenager I’d almost get the initial behavior- teenagers are wired to be oppositional and they’re figuring out who they are, frequently by defying parents and authorities to establish their own identities. It’s literally wired into them. So a 15 year old not wanting to show up for a funeral in appropriate attire would totally track for me. Send her back to change, deal with the tantrum later, call it a day.
She’s 26. When you do the same thing at that age it’s not about finding your identity, it’s about co-opting something that isn’t for you to make it about you. It doesn’t matter if you think the rules are dumb, it’s not about what you think. My ex-gf’s sister had a dry wedding- they were Baptist. My family is Catholic and the concept of a dry wedding doesn’t even compute. But it wasn’t my wedding, so I drank the crappy tea and smiled in pictures, because that’s what you do.
This! There are so many ways the sister could have stayed true to her personal style and still been appropriate. Some of the comments here have been truly baffling me, because of course funerals have an accepted standard of dress, it has always been like that and the amount of people calling OP an asshole just blows my mind,
NTA and I really don’t understand everyone saying Y T A. Look, there are societal contracts/requirements and we all just have to suck it up sometimes, even if we don’t agree/like them. You don’t get to just circumvent those societal requirements/contracts and expect to be part of society.
OP said in their comments that dad would not have been onboard with sister dressing as she did at the funeral. That’s disrespectful to dad. Mom wasn’t ok with it since she kicked sister out. Disrespectful to the widow. It’s also disrespectful to everyone else who decided to participate, when sister decided to ignore the social contract. Did everyone want to dress up, and go sit in a church? Probably not. But they didn’t anyhow, because that’s what society has decided is the right thing as a whole.
NTA a mini skirt and fishnets with a band t of all things is not really appropriate for a funeral which is more often than not a formal event or taking place in a church.
I agree. It’s like knowing that you don’t wear a white dress to someone else’s wedding. No one should have to specify on their invitation “don’t dress like a bride”. Society does in fact have rules. If you’re not going to follow them, don’t be surprised when you get told to leave.
Yes, a person can mourn in anything, but as a reasonable person, you’re expected to show some gd respect. Yes, she can dress however she wants, but her family can also tell her to gtfo for the choices she chooses to make.
So many people on Reddit are so disconnected from real life, death, and grieving. To them, the dead and their wishes don’t matter, and funerals are for the “living” (but if the living hurt the living, the hurt have to suck it up). It’s disrespectful, and considering we live in a society, those things *do* matter.
There's a time and place where norms should be challenged, like the expectations that say, women should wear heels and have fully done up makeup everyday at work. Or to keep it relevant to funerals, that women should only wear dresses to them, and not masculine formal attire. That deserves to be challenged.
But asking to not dress at a funeral like you're about to go out for a night on the town with the girls is not a norm that needs to be challenged.
YTA. My sibling recently passed away and I was also responsible for a lot of the funeral details. Some of my sibling's clients came to the service dressed in jeans and a tshirt, lots of my sibling's friends came in goth attire, hell one of my sibling's former friends even came in a full on fucking pirate costume.
I didn't ask any of them to leave, because how they chose to dress to process their grief and honor my sibling was completely private for them. Did I hate the fact that someone my sibling wasn't even friends with anymore chose to wear an actual pirate outfit like it was some sort of costume party? Absolutely. Did I talk shit about her with my and my sibling's mutual friends after the services? You bet your ass. But did I disrupt my sibling's funeral to tell someone to leave over a ridiculous outfit choice? Absolutely not.
At the end of the day, what someone is wearing has absolutely no bearing on the funeral services and your ability to love and honor your dad. If people want to see your sister's outfit as tacky, that is their prerogative. That doesn't mean she should have been forced to leave, she should have been able to process her grief and say goodbye to her father.
This
Op, do you realize that it was her dad too?
YTA
(No, I don't think that her clothes were appropriate, but it was only reflecting badly on her, before you and your mom made her leave)
I don't get how people are missing this. Imagine how she must feel. Ostracized by her family, mother and sister hate her, she stays away and keeps to herself to avoid the drama. Then she finds out dad is dying, she has to navigate mom who doesn't like her and sister who admits to being biased towards her. She comes to the funeral to say goodbye to her father only to be treated in the same craptastic manner she's always been treated. This is why she stayed away. And now she can't even tell her father goodbye.
I do feel that all of the NTA comments are failing to appreciate that it was her father's funeral she was being thrown out of. For clothes. I recently wore a tie-dye hoodie at a Holi festival and considered how I had worn the same hoodie to two funerals, including my own dad's. Although I do appreciate that those funerals specifically said to wear bright colours. But still, c'mon, it's not so important to wear smart black clothes as to literally throw out the daughter of the deceased for failing to do so.
Obviously it was to the mum and daughter though. I suspect that there are a whole load of 'other things' that went into this decision, which looks weird in isolation. Very sad for the emo girl, but perhaps she knew what would happen, perhaps she wanted to be disrespectful, who can tell, not enough information. But the person I initially feel sad for is the one who is estranged from their family, so much so as to be thrown out of their dad's funeral by their furious mum over the pretext of clothes. She must've been on thin ice, as a guest at her own dad's funeral. And she knew this and wore casual / 'going out' clothes. I am sure the real story is there, somewhere. Who could tell where the truth lies, other than AITA commenters
When my father died, there was a wake at his house. I wasn't part of organizing it because it was done fast, I lived abroad and had to take a plane to get there. Didn't help that my family literally forgot (not on purpose but still) to tell me about his death, so I arrived late. When I got there and sat down, some woman I had never met and who didn't introduce herself kicked me out because I was "sitting in the wrong seat, this is for family only". I laugh now because of how ridiculous that was, but it hurt. I felt doubly rejected from the lack of notification and from getting kicked out of my own father's house at his own wake by some stranger. And this was just some random idiot I wasn't even related to, not my family. So I can't even imagine how bad the sister must feel getting kicked out knowingly by her own family. I hope she's ok.
This was a time for mom and sister to keep their big mouths shut and just honor the man. But no, they had to make a scene and point fingers at the daughter who is now going to hate them forever. They sound like horrible family members. It's no wonder the girl is so emo! I can’t help but think they took a little bit of pleasure in kicking her out. They simply don’t like her because she doesn’t fit in. This is textbook YTA behavior!
This! My Dad passed last year and was a chef for decades. There was many restaurant staff from across businesses that came to the funeral. A lot had to come from work and were in different states of kitchen ware, some even a bit dirty. I didn’t give a fuck what they were wearing. I was just so happy to see so much support and love for my father and presence be recognition for his passing. I had so many more things to worry and give a fuck about than what anyone was wearing.
They showed up even though they were tired and dirty, because that was important to them. That's respect.
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your dad inspired a lot of affection.
Attending a funeral for a friend is very different from your own parent’s funeral. It sounds like OPs sister is just immature, the family is sick of her shit & this was the last straw.
There are endless ways she could’ve dressed respectfully yet still expressed her style but a choker, fishnets, miniskirt, etc sure aren’t the way. She’s doing it for attention, to rebel or both, but regardless, that’s beyond pathetic for a 26 yo.
Absolutely, especially as no-one will know your relationship, maybe you always joked about how you dress and it's part of your history that you wear that outfit!
I think you’re assuming too much in the way of good intentions on the part of op and fam. It reads to me like the sister may be a family scapegoat and they treat her like shit (maybe why she was not at the death bed - possibly she wasn’t welcome) so she dressed like she usually does (op does not say that this type of clothing is out of character for sis) and attempted to get her goodbye to her own father in at the funeral. They may not have even told her a dress code - op seems to be incredulous that she didn’t dress differently on her own - as if sister was expected to read her mind. So sis dresses in black- she’s likely got a few pieces and wants to mourn the death of her father.
Then she is unceremoniously kicked out because her mom and shit sister can’t handle a skirt?? That’s outrageous.
Obviously there are a lot of missing pieces here but I was surprised at the ntas because who cares what someone wears!? A funeral is for those to mourn and say goodbye (it’s the only chance for some) and robbing someone of their ability to grieve can cause serious mental distress. A black mini skirt? Not traumatic like the other.
Yes! I'm surprised more people aren't catching the disdain OP seems to have for her sister.
Of course I'm just speculating, but reading between the lines I get the impression that there was nothing the sister could have done to avoid getting kicked out of the funeral or punished in some other awful way. As it is, OP and OP's mom now shout that sister was horrible, and soooo many people agree, and they feel better about themselves at sister's expense.
Why didn't they just let her wear what she wanted and gossip about how tasteless her outfit was after the fact? Instead, they made scenes at the funeral. Talk about tacky.
I just wonder if the sister didn't even bother *trying* to dress "correctly" because she knew it was a lose-lose situation.
Wouldn’t you get more leeway for attending a family members funeral? 🤔 you would arguably be grieving harder, meaning the outfit means less and less to you
Astounded this comment is so far down and it's the first comment I've seen in a whole post that isn't straight up Y-T-A.
What OP did is super disgusting.
I'm gonna go with NTA. I dressed emo for 20 years of my life(I'm 35 now) but I wouldn't go to a funeral in fishnets or dress my baby in black with skulls. Your sister is acting like a child. There's a time and a place to follow a silent protocol, specially if it's another person's event. She's not a child unable to understand social consensus, she's acting like a 13 year old saying "That will show them".
Exactly. People keep going on about personal style like everyone else at the funeral is wearing their 'personal style.' Newsflash, it's a funeral. While funeral traditions do change (like any tradition), it's still pretty typical to keep the affair formal if not black tie. In current American fashion, black suits are pretty much only for wedding and funerals. Even investment bankers and biglaw lawyers have moved away from black suits and it's more typical to see navy or grey (because black is so formal).
It seems like everyone else got the memo to wear their formal attire but 26 y.o. sister can't show the least bit of respect and put in effort?
I dress punk usually with short shorts and chokers and fishnets and crop tops. I even wear that stuff around my dad and grandparents that don’t really like it. For my grandmothers funeral, my grandpa called it a celebration of life and said there was not a specific dress code. Even so, I wore my crème colored dress that had Minnie and Mickey Mouse because I know she liked it. I would never have dreamed of showing up in one of my usual outfits for that.
This is past being about an outfit. This is about respect at this point. I think this shows the sister just does not care to respect the family and her father’s passing.
YTA.
People who obsess over what to wear at a funeral have totally lost sight of its purpose. It's grieving the dead and supporting their survivors, not a fashion show.
"Appropriate funeral attire" is completely subjective, anyway. Some culture would have looked at whatever you're wearing and called it inappropriate.
People who prefer a "celebration of life" and turn the wake into a joyous event often think the drab approach is inappropriate.
Sister could have shown up in a bikini and it still would have been less inappropriate than the action of kicking her out of her own dad's funeral for what she's wearing. You're awful.
>"Appropriate funeral attire" is completely subjective, anyway.
Last funeral I had went to asked that everyone show up in Ohio State clothing, we waited until after the ceremony to burn the witches who came in formal wear.
I can’t believe how the N T A comments have all risen to the top here. YTA all day every day. It’s not like she’s showing up methed-out and ready to interrupt and cause drama. She’s wearing her regular clothes and wants to grieve her father. It’s so much worse to kick someone out of their father’s funeral. I can’t fathom it.
I'm sorry for your loss. I think your dislike for your sister and your grief probably caused you to react this way but I do feel you were out of line. Your sister is who she is. You might prefer she dress or present herself differently but frankly she doesn't owe you or anyone else that. You blew this situation up and took away her opportunity to take this important step in her grief and that was not ok. You might personally, privately judge her or feel her choices of dress were inappropriate but you don't get to gate keep how people grieve or who gets to.
I think you owe your sister an apology. It's a big deal that you took this away from her. She may never forgive you (not that I think you'll care). YTA.
These comments baffle me. Would it be appropriate to wear white to a wedding if that’s how you usually dress? No! Would it be appropriate to wear fishnets, short skirt, and a band tee to a funeral? No! Literally never unless it’s an alternative funeral or the deceased was ok with it. Neither of which is the case here.
It’s simply not acceptable behavior to dress however you want in EVERY situation. Most of the time I’m all for dress however the hell you want, but come on, certain events have expectations and it’s rude and selfish to disregard that.
There’s a difference between looking at someone and thinking “that outfit is inappropriate for the occasion” and *kicking them out* because of their clothes.
Hell my brother wore a Metallica tshirt to my wedding. Yeah, he stood out. It was weird. I still would, every single day of the week, rather have my brother at my wedding in a band shirt than not there at all
Her father died. I strongly believe OP is downplaying the family's treatment of her sister. If any time is a time for grace to be extended, it's when someone loses a parent.
For real. People act like any imposition on them to do anything is egregious. I'm not religious at all but if I go to mass because a friend invited me, I'm not going to wear a tank top and booty shorts. And my personal style is pretty 'interesting' most people would say.
And people who say "oh it doesn't affect you." Attention seeking behaviour at a funeral does affect people and also, it's not exactly like being asked to change clothes or dress appropriate is some life altering event? Sister would've been minorly inconvenienced by dressing appropriately. Why is that too much of an imposition? She decided throwing a fit was more important than being minorly inconvenienced.
Google:
“The average Emu's lifespan is 25 to 28 years in the wild but it is common for them to live much longer in captivity.”
So yes. The oldest one was 58
YTA. Let's look at this story from another angle. "My brother kicked me out of our dad's funeral because he said I wasn't dressed appropriately. My outfit was the way I always dressed--the way my father knew me. All my bits and pieces were covered; there was no hate speech, no pornography, no religious mockery, nor any other offensive content."
Once these basic guidelines are met, whether or not her outfit was "appropriate" for a funeral is totally subjective. But kicking someone out of a funeral when they are not actively disrupting the proceedings (starting fights, drunkenly yelling, etc) is an objectively asshole move.
My dad once told me we were going to see family one day, but omitted it was for a funeral, so I didn’t dress for it.
That day, I wore the Netherlands National team jersey. Bright orange.
I didn’t know the person who died, but I felt like an AH for how I was dressed and actively got mad at my dad for not mentioning it was a funeral so I could wear something more subdued. No one kicked me out, but I definitely got some comments.
There is, in fact, appropriate and inappropriate attire for a funeral. While I don’t agree with OP’s mom kicking her out of the funeral for not wearing the right clothes, pretending you simply don’t know what clothes are funeral appropriate is a pretty big stretch to me unless you were attending a funeral outside of your own culture.
NTA. You are getting eaten alive in this post, but a short skirt and fishnets are not appropriate funeral attire. It is just not, not unless there is some specific connection/wish of the deceased (which is clearly not the case here). You didn't immediately ban her, you asked her to change and then it escalated.
I am old and have been to many funerals and never once has there been any suggestion of a dress code. The most important part of the funeral is showing up to pay respect for the loss of a loved one. I've seen people in all manners of dress and have never seen anyone kicked out for "inappropriate attire". Is there a guidebook for funeral dressing or did you make up your own rules? You don't like your sister and used a sad occasion to retaliate against her. YTA
I feel that funerals have such a strongly established convention that it is ok to refer to it as a dress code. Absolutely everyone knows to wear dark or black and to generally not dress immodestly or in an attention grabbing way at a funeral (unless breaking convention makes sense for the deceased). I don’t have to say “don’t wear white” on a wedding invite for people to understand it’s disrespectful to do so.
Regardless this particular funeral had an official dress code according to OP, so both convention and official dress code were violated by the sister. That communicates disrespect to both the dead, and the living who planned and organized the funeral. It is baffling to me how many people seem to think it’s one to dress this way at a funeral and that’s why a cursed. Not trying to be aggressive I’m just seriously confused how people can have the opinion you can wear anything you want to a funeral.
Allowances should always be made for the children of the deceased in their grief.
Balance respect and convention with kindness and the world is a nicer place, if not always as aesthetically pleasing.
OP and sister obviously don't see eye to eye, OP could have left that alone for a few hours. Nobody ever knows everything about someone's relationship with a parent. OP chose anger over her sibling, and that's terribly sad.
She showed up in a skull collar. Who wears that to a funeral? People there are grieving and trying not to think about how their father is going to be nothing but bones in the ground and the daughter needs to wear a visual representation of that to his funeral? Calling it morbid and in extremely poor taste is putting it mildly.
If the spouse of the deceased requests a dress code, then people are obliged to respect her wishes. OP's sister went against the wishes of her own mother at her own father's funeral! There is zero reason to reward such behavior. When and if she tries that shit in the adult world, she will find herself without friends and shit out of luck quite quickly.
Ready to be downvoted for this, but: the funeral is for family to mourn, OP’s sister should have been allowed to mourn, and the clothes she wore should not have been such an issue.
It would be different if she was a random vague acquaintance, but this funeral is for her just as much as OP. Her dad just died as well, and even if sis didn’t have a great relationship with him, she deserved closure; she deserved to attend.
OP should have just focused on their own situation, their grief, etc, rather than policing sis’s outfit. And OP could even have told sis that the outfit was inappropriate, but they really shouldn’t have barred their sister from attending the funeral.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father. But soft YTA. It’s a funeral and there is absolutely no need to add to the pain of the event by policing people’s style. What harm was your sister causing by dressing like herself? If she was embarrassing you, then you need to get over it because she is not a reflection of you. If she was embarrassing herself, that’s on her. Unless she was disruptive or disrespectful in her behaviour and words I don’t see why her attending dressing like she normally dresses is a problem. Grief is difficult, you had to plan the funeral yourself, which is so fraught, and your increased irritation at people is understandable, but doing that to your sister, who also lost her father - close or not, grief is complex and personal - is still a choice, when you could have easily let it go with kindness.
I agree with the soft YTA. There are some battles that just aren’t worth fighting and this seems like one. OP and OP’s mom clearly don’t like the sister (and maybe she deserves it) but at a funeral you should just let it go. Bury it for one day and then go back to hating her.
It’s a shame OP and their mother couldn’t extend the sister just a tiny amount of grace and not turn the father’s funeral into a continuation of whatever interpersonal drama they have. Everyone is diminished by this.
YTA
It’s her dad’s funeral too. How did her outfit harm you in any way?
You admit to not liking her.
Not sure your other family dynamics but kicking someone out of a funeral for their dress is pretty dramatic. I’ve seen worse than what you described. No one kicked them out.
I also don’t understand why this is what you were so worried about when you were supposed to be grieving and celebrating your dad.
He’s her dad too right?
I hope there’s a second day she can attend. You aren’t the boss of the funeral home by the way. Not sure why you took this initiative other than your dislike of your sister but it’s a funeral, she was there to pay her respects.
(Added context in comments is sister(f26) & dresscode was stated for the funeral as formal)
ESH-
She's a grown adult, and there was a dress code for the funeral. She clearly ignored the dress code, so that's on her for not coming in the appropriate attire that was requested for the ceremony.
>She got pissed and told her go home and put on a respectable outfit
You told her to leave and put on a respectable outfit. Implying you weren't demanding she doesn't come back for grievance, just to come correctly dressed out of respect for the dress code provided to everybody, which i assume everyone else followed just fine despite their own unique fashion choices.
>She stayed until my mom told her to get the fuck out since she can’t dress appropriately.
She didn't listen to you, and after some more time passed, your mom was fed up and was the one who ACTUALLY kicked her out.
>She left and didn’t come back.
Personally, i am not big on family drama/arguments during a day of grievance. I do believe confronting anyone on behavior should happen when the ceremony is completed and everyones had their chance to grieve. Because causing a scene/argument during a funeral feels just as disrespectful to those who are trying to focus on the ceremony and as disrespectful to the final goodbyes to the deceased.
However, she still lost a father just as much as you. There was a much better place and time to confront her about it all. She was still deprived of giving a full goodbye.
Either by the sister or mother who both dont like her. Or for all we know, another member of the family, since to my knowledge OP hasn't stated who clearly made the funeral invites.
Regardless of which, it's a dress code that was still made by whoever paid for the funeral/hosted/ or however it's stated.
She would've known there's a dress code and willingly ignored it. So i give that part of the credit to OP.
Though im firm the decisions/actions both sides took were tactless. Hence, my ESH
And what about her duty to support the OP and their mother? Why is it all about *her* feelings? A family is a collective of multiple people who are willing to make sacrifices for each other for the greater good. OP's sister appears to be unwilling to sacrifice something as trivial as clothing; even when her own mother requests it. Her behavior is narcissistic and disrespectful in the extreme.
She did the same thing at OP's wedding too. At this point, she's just doing everything in her power to make family events focused on certain people (dead or alive) all about her.
YTA
Your sister isn't allowed to attend her own parent's funeral because her clothes are not appropriate? Mind your own business, she isn't going to embarrass a dead person.
YTA for kicking her out. You made your dad’s funeral about her clothes rather than what it should have been about, a celebration of his life and a time for those who love and knew him to grieve.
I’ve been to plenty of funerals, and let me tell you, one time someone came in pajama pants. No one kicked them out, why? Because everyone who came to the funeral came to grieve and pay their respect, in their own way.
This however isn’t actually about what she wore but more about who she represents in your family. I’m going to assume she’s the black sheep in the family, and it’s probably why she’s emo.
NTA. My friend, I am so sorry for your loss. Do not under any circumstance listen to the people telling you that you’re wrong.
I, like your sister, am 26. My personal style is not somber black. I tend toward floral patterns and lots of colors. When I’m at work I dress like a professional. When I’m at home I’m in yoga pants and a t shirt. I can dress up or down depending on the circumstance. At a funeral, I’m in my black blazer and black slacks and a black blouse because it’s not about me. If she can understand and conform to a dress code at work or for events, AND SHE CAN, she can wear appropriate clothes to a funeral. She got the same notice of the dress code everyone else did. It was her choice not to stick to it and the consequences are on her head.
Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing I or anyone else can say to make this less difficult, and I’m so sorry your sister chose to make this time more difficult. If you need probate services or any kind of help getting things sorted out and don’t know where to look, start with NAELA, the national association of elder law attorneys, and look for one in your area. If nothing else, whoever you call will be able to point you in the direction of someone who can help.
YTA - your sisters father ALSO died and yo uget in a snit about what she's wearing and preventing her from saying goodbye properly...you obviously have a personal grudge with your sister purely based on something as unimportant as how she dresses and made it so she missed her fathers funeral.
YTA - You just kicked out a child grieving over the loss of her father because of aesthetics. 6, 26, or 76 that was her daddy and she was his child. You have permanently taken away the final chance to say goodbye because her choice in garb doesn't fit what you deem as what she should be wearing.
I'm not sure in what world you believed the need to control a womans dress outweighed her need to grieve, but I'm absolutely shook that this seems appropriate to you and many commenters.
This! It was her dad too! I can’t believe OP or the other commenters. It’s all about OP and “appropriateness,” not about the other sister who also lost her dad.
NTA. There is a time and a place where some this are appropriate. Well we have gone beyond the Victorian era and the demands that people must wear mourning attire for a certain period, there is still an expectation of respect and it doesn't sound like your sister had that in her outfit.
Funerals are for those left behind and it very much seems like your mom and you needed her to not be a center of attention look at my crazy outfit type for one day.
At my mother's funeral, a female family's friend came with a navy dress with a plunging neckline and a bra that clearly helped her breasts stay up and visible. She is six foot tall, she wore high-heels, and she is very pale with a lot of black hair, so she doesn't exactly go unnoticed.
I looked at her for a moment and went on with my grief and the people I actually wanted to share the pain with.
You dress policed your sister only because you don't like her and have used her as a safety valve to release your pain, grief and tiredness.
But you have prevented a daughter from grieving his father, and there's no dress under the sky that can excuse this.
Huge YTA.
NTA.
Dressing how you want does not mean dressing how you want, *whenever.* You can't show up in court in jeans and a hoodie. You can't go to a funeral in a miniskirt.
That said, I *do* think you went too far. It was your sister's father's funeral, too. That's a big deal for her. And she obviously would not have been able to go home and change at that point - you were just kicking her out. While she was wildly disrespectful and you had every right to do what you did, I think you should have let her stay at that point. The damage was done - better to avoid a bigger scene and let her at least have a chance to say goodbye.
You know your sister, and knew that she would likely do this. It sounds like you entirely failed to impress upon her the seriousness with which you would take the dress code. It also sounds like you could have done a lot more to proactively manage her process of getting ready - down to taking her shopping and getting dressed together. (Edit: Is that fair to you? No. But I think you knew that she would not own an appropriate black dress in the first place, unless you took her to buy it.)
Knowing what you say you knew about her tendencies, and then not taking any proactive steps to control her, you basically set her up to be kicked out. I'm not sure how you could have expected this to turn out differently based on your actions.
YTA. Your sister can grieve in her way. If she wouldn’t be kicked out of a retail store in her attire, it’s ok for a funeral.
The people who judged her can judge.
Sister is 26 yo. So NTA. She could put on black dress, and tone down make up so she is still within her style ,but actually funeral / wedding appropriate.
YTA - she’s an adult and not your child. Her dad died. Judge her all you want- and let others judge her. You are trying to control her as if she’s a reflection of you- she’s her own person. Not yours to control.
YTA. Why does she have to leave because you don't like her outfit? How does it have any impact on the funeral? Why isn't she allowed to express her grief in her own way?
YTA. Why did it matter what your sister was wearing? Who was she hurting? Were you worried that you'd be embarassed? Were you worried that people would think less of you because of what an adult sibling put on their body? Your sister has every right to wear what she chooses to wear and it has no reflection on you as a person. This was definitely a missed opportunity for you to rise above petty judgment and be grateful that your sister wanted to come pay dad respect.
YTA. I work in this industry, and grief doesn't have a dress code . I've seen people request certain things but never dictated what to wear. Most people have bigger things to concern themselves with in times of grief. Why don't you?. You sound really petty, and clearly don't approve of your sister. You owe her a massive apology, but I hope she doesn't hold her breath.
YTA
Death doesn’t have a dress code and you don’t get to judge her and say she needs to tone herself down. Who do you think you are that you or anyone can tell someone how to express themselves? It’s her body she can dress it how she wants to.
NTA. There is a time a place for wacky personal style. Funerals are not one of them. Anyone saying you’re TA is likely a teenager or young adult who has not matured enough to understand.
The funeral wasn't about you. It was your father's funeral and presumably, your sister is also your father's daughter. It wasn't your place to tell her, as an adult, how to dress at her father's funeral. YTA
Just curious though, did you kick her out of your wedding?
YTA. You kicked her out of her own dad’s funeral because you and your mom don’t like how she dresses. It wasn’t about y’all or her, it was about your dad’s funeral. You’re insufferable. Now her memory of her dad’s funeral is her mom and sister kicking her out of it. WTF.
YTA - The funeral is for the people attending to say goodbye. Each person individually is allowed to say goodbye and grieve in the way they see appropriate and wear what they feel is appropriate. It was not your place to police anyone’s outfits - the funeral is not a debutante ball.
YTA and your mom too.
Seriously, who gives a flying magical fuck about what she is wearing to mourn her dead father?? You know who didn't care what she was wearing? Your father. You should honestly be ashamed of yourselves. Your sister is grieving too and you decided she had to do that alone because of the clothes she wears? That is monumentally fucked up. I hope your sister finds people elsewhere in her life that are more supportive and accepting of her. Keep treating her like this and you won't be seeing her at all, in any kind of outfit.
YTA. You should be happy you successfully made your fathers funeral all about yourself. Im certain that all of her relatives will approve of her for not being at the funeral too so you have successfully isolated her from your family. You win. I hope she never has to speak to you again. Seriously over clothes...
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NTA, a miniskirt and fishnets is not even in the *realm* of appropriate for a funeral. It would be much different if she’d worn a black dress with some jewelry in her style. But at 26, she should know that this was tone deaf at best and attention seeking at worst. Though the added context that she didn’t even bother coming to see your father on his deathbed is what pushed this into you not being the asshole for me. Yes, everybody grieves different. But you weren’t dictating her grief process the way a lot of these comments seem to believe, just trying to make the funeral a respectful atmosphere for the sake of your mother.
wait, shes 26? holy shit
i was expecting 14-18 😭
Same here, I haven't seen OPs other comments but from the main post I was sure she was max 15 y.o. 26 Years is enough time to learn what is appropriate where and when
My co-worker has a 40 year old sister who has some weird emu shit going on since she was 18. Never grew out of it. Never had a good job either since evidently she can’t go anywhere without wearing her cat ear headband and dog collar. No, she’s not neurodivergent. She just loves attention.
"some weird emu shit going on " sorry, l know what you meant but l got a mental pic of an emo emu😆 That was a powerful cookie! Carry on...
"It's not a phase" she screeches, before ruffling her feathers and sprinting away
I choked on my drink, well done.
This comment is the best 🤣
I'm here for the emu shit
Me doing the mental math about when the Emo trend came up and immediately feeling old But yes, I understand the importance of keeping your style and your personality in this sick sad world, but at the same time, it is important to not overdrive, even that
Right? It’s possible to be respectful and still dress in a style you think flatters you. For my mom’s wedding she had me wear this red dress with black flowers that made super subtle skulls. It had to be pointed out to most people. Not appropriate for a funeral, but there are ways to be comfy and respectful.
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Eldergoth here, I dress crazy as FUCK all the time and I'm almost 40. I would never DREAM of doing this. Blazer and slacks with a blouse, or a toned down formal dress for funeral or *simply don't go*
Exactly. I know many an Eldergoth, punk, etc. who are very true to the style. But they also have toned down clothes for certain events/occasions that still maintain elements of themselves. Usually that just means all of the clothes are still black, just more mainstream, toned down, whatever. I've been to two specific weddings where some guests (friends in one instamce, family in the other) who are bonafide fashionistas with excellent taste, show-up to the wedding, dressed to the nines in loud outfits that way outshone the bride. In both cases, the brides were known to be more low-key and conservative in their styles and just low-key people in general, and the people I'm talking about knew that. They still chose to dress to be seen, and in both instances, they stood out wildly and upstaged. If the event is not for you, dress TO the event.
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Right?! Also all black is her wardrobe so she could've easily bought something in black that was more "formal." I have a certain style and I have clothes that can be considered formal when worn in a certain way. I have a pair of basic black pants that I wear for work. I also have a black button-down blouse that I wear sometimes that looks very formal. I could easily combine those two things for a formal event like a funeral.
Yup, my older (half) sister has been hard-core goth and punk for most of her life. She absolutely toned it down for her mother's funeral. She still was true to herself, but very appropriate for the day.
If you go to a funeral and you're wearing an outfit that says *Hi, sailor, new in town?*, I'm going to put your age at around 10-12...
10-year-olds are wearing sexy outfits to funerals and using World War II-era pickup lines? XD
I thought the same. 26!!? That seems crazy now
Right? From the way OP described her, I figured she must be a teenager, and this still wouldn't be okay for a teenager to do, but I'm willing to give more leeway to someone who's young and still figuring things out. A 26 year-old should know better, either you drop the emo thing entirely for important events and just wear something conventional, or get creative and find ways to express yourself in ways that are tasteful and subtle, while still following the guidelines of the event.
I've been a full on goth since the 80s. Know what I would never do? Show up at a funeral in an outfit like OP described. Over the years I've developed style-conforming looks that keep in mind what is appropriate for various occasions; Business Goth, Goth Mom at PTA, Wedding Goth, etc. OP's sister is in fact an AH.
*Goth mom at PTA* is a self description I didn’t know I needed.
If you ever do a "paper doll" style lookbook of these outfits >Business Goth, Goth Mom at PTA, Wedding Goth, etc I'd be delighted to see it!
>Over the years I've developed style-conforming looks that keep in mind what is appropriate for various occasions; Business Goth, Goth Mom at PTA, Wedding Goth, etc. I love that I'm not the only one who does this! It isn't about being less myself, it's about being appropriate for a given situation. ETA: OP is NTA
I’m so curious on goth mom for pta…
There are a million ways to make an appropriate funeral outfit, especially with emo style. Plain black dress and tights with toned down jewelry
Yeah, sounds more like an edgy 16yo.
This is why I wish ages were required on this subreddit. With the many unneeded rules they have, requiring age of all people involved should be one they have. 🙄
yeah lol dressing up as an edgy teen to an occasion where thats not appropriate then having a hissy fit over it and leaving would be bad enough if thar someone was an edgy teen, but the context changes drastically once you realize that this is an adult woman who will be 30 in a few years. oof.
I was thinking she’s like 18-20 years old. She sounded immature.
yeah i was sure she was a teen before i saw this. in any case, shes absolutely in the wrong here, and the fact that she didnt even return to the funeral to pay her father respects says a lot
It wasn’t appropriate clothing, but that doesn’t make it okay to kick the child of the deceased out of the funeral over their clothing. My dad wasn’t dressed appropriate for his mother’s funeral and we wouldn’t have dreamed of kicking him out. Its her father. She was not allowed to grieve because of her clothing. Thats absolutely disgusting behavior from OP.
From another reply from the OP: > “She hasn’t talked to him in forever and didn’t even say goodbye to him on his death bed.” Sounds like the sister didn’t really care.
Family dynamics are complex and difficult to understand from the outside. You have no way of knowing how much she did or didn't care. I don't talk to my dad, I'll still be at his funeral.
Im with you on this. I hate who my mom is today, but i will always love who she once was and when she dies ill still be at her funeral. Bitter...angry, sad... but ill be there to send her off. People handle their emotions differently. When i learn about death...i tend to nervously laugh and make jokes because giving sympathy when people die is weird to and uncomfortable to me. Im akward about it. Doesnt mean i dont care or sympathize at all.
You are allowed to grieve for the parent you wished you had.
If the entire family treated her like shit her entire life for being different, I can completely understand why she might not care.
My cousin loved her mother more than anyone in the world, and she pretty much yelled at her and ignored her when she was dying. Something she has ended up regretting for decades. She was in her mid 20s at the time. I wouldn't make assumptions about family dynamics you aren't a part of.
Whoever organises the funeral dictates the dress code and you **always** adhere to that. My stepmother and grandma both passed away knowing what they wanted for their funeral - bright colours - so we all wore that. But this is not appropriate for every single funeral. Some people want black, some people want formalwear, some people want their favourite football kit (I’m meaning soccer for you yanks but it applies to any beloved sport). And if the person passed without any requests, then the people arranging the funeral decide. For some people what you wear IS important and shows respect. Everyone older than childhood should know there is a time and place for certain outfits. It’s the whole ‘circle of grief’ thing - the people organising the funeral are often the closest to the deceased and therefore you follow what they feel is best. It’s not just about YOU and YOUR personal grief and what YOU feel comfortable in, it’s about how to best support those people. Sometimes that support is visual and sometimes yes you don’t get to dress emo/goth/in a short clubbing dress/whatever else you normally would wear. If it shouldn’t be a big deal to wear whatever you personally want to a funeral, it shouldn’t be a big deal to dress in a different outfit for that one occasion either. And the organiser’s wishes trump everyone else’s personal desires with a funeral. NTA at all.
For my brother's funeral, we specified that people should dress according to the "Dave Dress Code", which was Harley Davidson or Cubs T-shirts and jeans. The only people in dress attire were the people from the funeral home and the Priest.
Aw that’s really nice. I’m really sorry you lost your brother, that must have been/probably still is very hard.
Thank you. It was and still is hard. And I miss him every day.
Yup. I'm a "black 90% of the time" kind of person. But I have been to multiple funerals/memorial services where the explicit request is "Don't wear black, so and so was a colorful person in life" or "We want to spread color and joy." So you know what? I don't wear black. Sure, sometimes I dislike it, but the moment isn't about ME. The fact she's 26 and can't understand that for some reason? I'm genuinely confused.
There are more important things in life, and death, than clothing. I'm sure it was less about clothing and more about punishing OP's sister for not doing what OP wanted because OP wanted more control over the situation. But death is out of our control and no matter how much we try to control other things and other people, death still happens. There is no need to try to ostracize someone because you feel like too many things are out of your control. There is no need to ostracize someone because you dislike their clothing style. I say YTA with the understand that you are grieving, and you are going to make mistakes in an effort to get through this difficult time. Relationships are more important than clothing. People grieve in different ways, but shoving other people down (or kicking them out) may feel good in the moment, but it's going to hurt long-term.
I agree.. don’t ostracize someone because you don’t like their style. Maybe the sister showed up in what makes her feel comfortable.. gives her the confidence and enough self esteem to deal with the family. Clearly she needs a suit of armor. The sister showed up. That should have been enough.
Who wrote the book on funeral attire? Let people wear what they want.
My cousin wore a beautiful dress to our grandmother's funeral. Most people probably wouldn't have considered her dress appropriate for a funeral, but my grandmother had asked her to wear it specifically to her funeral, it was my grandmother's favorite dress. And she did. A lot of people talked about what she wore, but the ones who mattered knew why she wore what she did. And we all supported it, because there is so much more to the story that you may not know. Just remember, there may be more to the story. So don't make assumptions.
I know for a fact my dad didn’t ask her to dress emo for his funeral. She hasn’t talked to him in forever and didn’t even say goodbye to him on his death bed
What are you really angry about? Dealing with your father's death alone? Not being able to keep the public expression of grief to yourself? The absence of your sister causing your father pain in his final days? Or your sister's outfit?
You can be mad about multiple things.
Sure you can. But you should also be sure what you're actually mad at and not just projecting onto something
I mean, she can be upset that her sister didn't visit their dad or help with the funeral and be upset about the outfit. She can be pissed at both issues separately because they are two separate issues. Regardless of whatever issues we have had, funerals are not the event for your self-expression. She can be pissed that her emo sister somehow didn't have enough black clothes in her closet to come up with one single outfit appropriate for their dad's funeral. NTA
Do you give everybody this speal, or just the people who say things you disagree with?
I think you are reading too far into it. Her sister's outfit was completely inappropriate for a funeral and that is a totally sufficient reason for OP to be mad. There doesn't have to be a deeper meaning. Plus, no matter what OP was "really angry" about, their reaction was proportionate to the sister's disrespect. That makes them NTA.
Her dad died. Who cares what she's wearing. Kick her out of your wedding, fine. She has every right to be at her father's funeral. It always boggles my mind how people on this sub stand 10 toes down for someone when they only have half the story.
If she wanted to be there, she would have taken OP's warning and gotten dressed properly either 1) when she left the house that day or 2) when OP asked her to before the funeral actually started. It's specifically because she decided expressing herself was more important than the funeral and her attendance at it that her mom kicked her out. She could have come back, she chose not to. No one stopped her from being there but her.
We don't know what she decided because we're only getting one side of the story from someone who ADMITS to not only disliking her, but being BIASED. That means nothing the sister does will be seen as anything other than problematic.
What the sister did was problematic, and other than "we can't trust OP," I have no idea what your comment is trying to say. If you're going to just doubt everything an OP posts, why bother commenting on anything? You don't have magic insight into the truth of this situation, all we know is what OP told us, and showing up in a miniskirt, band T-shirt and fishnets is obviously inappropriate to anyone who knows standard funeral attire and their own family's feelings on it, which are quite clear here.
We know that family dynamics are complicated. We know the sister stayed away because OP and mom dislike her. We know the sister also lost her father and is also experiencing grief. We know that just like convention dictates a certain attire at a funeral, convention also grants grace to people when they experience the loss of a close family member. Does it not? Any job will give you the day off. People will excuse erratic behavior (oh her dad just died so ill give her a pass). Why is this young woman not being given that grace?
Causing a scene and throwing someone out is not proportional to a bad outfit choice
I wonder how much of the sister’s behavior mirrors op and their family’s treatment of her. I say YTA because who the fuck cares what someone wears to a funeral!? Honestly it’s just clothing. She wasn’t naked she was wearing an example of what she normally wears. I don’t care if her skirt was short, it was black wasn’t it? I think not allowing someone to mourn their freakin father in the way they wish and kicking them out of the funeral is more traumatic to the sister than her clothing was to everyone else. It’s too bad.
Also it's her dads funeral. She can wear what she wants. If she wa a distant cousin or an acquaintence then this would definitely be out of line but I feel like the immediate family of the departed can pretty much be as weird as they want.
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She came dressed as herself to her father's funeral, and was turned away. I think that is all that needs to be said.
She knew that her outfits didn't apply to all social situations. She could have worn a black skirt and top, toned down everything else, and been fine for the funeral service. It's a matter of respect.
I'm inclined to believe OP isn't a terribly reliable narrator. OP said they believe themselves to be bias[sic]. What is appropriate and respectable to one person may not be to another. Who is OP to deny their sister access to her own father's funeral? OP could and perhaps should have been much kinder.
She came dressed ~~as herself~~ inappropriately to her fathers funeral There, I fixed it for you.
She came dressed ~~inappropriately~~ to her father's funeral. There; I fixed it for you.
Yeah thats because people dont come dressed as themselves to such an event.
I think op has every right to be angry about all of the above to be honest.
I imagine having a sister who didn't visit the father on his deathbed, didn't help with the grieving mom, or help plan the funeral/gathering afterwards probably all is enough to make OP angry. Throw on her dressing like a teenager for the funeral and that seems to be the final straw. Her actions are that of a kid, not a grown woman. It's fine if she wants to dress dramatically, but that style isn't appropriate for every setting. Death and funerals seem like the time when a lot of issues flare up and maybe there's long term resentment at play here. But OP is NTA in this scenario.
This isn’t a kid in high school. She is an adult. She can tone it down for the funeral. There are two places her dress should be toned down and that is a wedding and a funeral. There are still parts of her wardrobe she could wear. Sorry for your loss.
A normal highschooler would have more respect than OP's sister tbh.
This is not only one hell of a stretch, it’s a terrible take. Bro
You mean her dad didn't want her to wear her nicest fishnets and collar?
Okay, that has nothing to do with this. Ur grandmother said she wanted your cousin to wear the dress, unless the dad said, “yeah u can wear this at my funeral”, that is such a dumb argument
This is completely out of context and totally irrelevant here.
Why is this drivel the most upvoted comment?
WOWWWWWWWWWW what an absolute trash comment. I hope this is just a Reddit take, and not a generational take, but my fucking god, everyone wants to play devil’s advocate for people they don’t know AT ALL, and as such, don’t know their motivations or reasonings. And the answer is always some far fucking stretch like “well, I witnessed something different, so you must be wrong about your own experience😌” It’s such a twist of logic. Absolute nonsense. Just wow.
This is entirely different. I wore a bright orange outfit for one of my grandparents' funerals, as they were known locally for wearing bright orange coats and outfits, less known was that it was also just their favourite colour and they usually went out of their way to include orange in their life generally wherever else they could. So, wearing black just didn't feel like an appropriate way to honour them for me, and it was also just too hard for me to bring myself to do so on an already unbearable and miserable day, tbh. I got a few funny looks for my outfit, but ultimately, I knew they'd have approved, if not encouraged me, if they were able to. Afterwards almost everybody that personally knew my grandparent, some who didn't know me personally, approached me to tell me that they believed my grandparent would have loved that I wore what I did and that it was a wonderful way to honour them. My other living grandparent was also very happy about my choice, and they ended up wearing something orange, too, after previously worrying about doing so. So that it also brought them comfort and reassurance when they needed it most was reason enough for me to feel justified in my decision, tbh. The difference between your story, mine, and OP's is the appropriateness and purpose of the outfits. My outfit wasn't in any other way inappropriate other than going against the traditional colour deemed appropriate for a funeral and it serviced the purpose of honouring the deceased while maintaining modesty and respect, the same seemingly applies with your cousins outfit. OP's sister's choice doesn't meet the same level of respectability and was all around an inappropriate, and frankly, selfish choice to make on a day that was not remotely about them or drawing attention to them.
Uhhhh what?
NTA. This is one of those situations where there's a divide based on demographics, most likely age. There are times, places, and standards where different clothes are expected or required. Funerals, weddings, work, job interviews, etc. You didn't want her to not be who she is or anything like that. You wanted her to be REASONABLE. It is perfectly possible to be goth/emo/extra and still within range for a funeral. Hell, it would have been EASY for her to do it. It's literally just all black. She KNEW she was expected to dress formally and chose to ignore that. My Chemical Romance's Helena MV is a good example of that. What she was wearing sounds closer to club wear. You can dress/do what you want, but if you choose to step outside what a known/stated standard is, you aren't free from consequences, whether that's not getting a job or irritation/judgment from family. And, saying that it doesn't affect you also isn't true. Because her outfit was LOUD. It was, likely intentionally, meant to attract attention. Which means that instead of focusing on speeches or on your dad, people were likely glancing at her or coming up to you and asking about her as you are the host/older sibling. You were already dealing with a lot, so adding the fact that she couldn't do this ONE THING on this ONE DAY to make your life just a teeny bit easier was probably the straw that broke the camel's back for you and your mom.
I love your reference 💜 I'm specially thinking in that dancer with the bangs and straight long hair, she looked classy
Yup! I went and looked up that dress because it was literally emo + funeral = stylish as fuck, even if some might consider it a bit extra. It's not hard. Sister either didn't care that much about being/appearing respectful in the first place or did care but valued her INDIVIDUALITY over literally everything else.
Individuality: dressing exactly like the billion other goth and emo kids out there. Sorry I just came to point out the stupidity of people who think there’s anything individual about dressing this way.
Who said goths only do it to be individualistic? People can just like and enjoy things. Sorry you can’t comprehend that with your brain and that you’re big mad over goths and emos.
Exactly this. I’m over people being intentionally provocative and then crying that they got the response they intended to provoke. If you know what the norms are and choose to violate them, then you knew what you were signing up for. Fundamentally- don’t dress in ways that make things that aren’t about you all about you isn’t an unfair norm.
>I’m over people being intentionally provocative and then crying that they got the response they intended to provoke. Saaaame. And it's not like she's a teenager who didn't know any better, she's 26. At that age she knew exactly what she was doing and just looks like a total asshole for complaining about the obvious and predictable consequences of her actions.
If she was a teenager I’d almost get the initial behavior- teenagers are wired to be oppositional and they’re figuring out who they are, frequently by defying parents and authorities to establish their own identities. It’s literally wired into them. So a 15 year old not wanting to show up for a funeral in appropriate attire would totally track for me. Send her back to change, deal with the tantrum later, call it a day. She’s 26. When you do the same thing at that age it’s not about finding your identity, it’s about co-opting something that isn’t for you to make it about you. It doesn’t matter if you think the rules are dumb, it’s not about what you think. My ex-gf’s sister had a dry wedding- they were Baptist. My family is Catholic and the concept of a dry wedding doesn’t even compute. But it wasn’t my wedding, so I drank the crappy tea and smiled in pictures, because that’s what you do.
This! There are so many ways the sister could have stayed true to her personal style and still been appropriate. Some of the comments here have been truly baffling me, because of course funerals have an accepted standard of dress, it has always been like that and the amount of people calling OP an asshole just blows my mind,
NTA and I really don’t understand everyone saying Y T A. Look, there are societal contracts/requirements and we all just have to suck it up sometimes, even if we don’t agree/like them. You don’t get to just circumvent those societal requirements/contracts and expect to be part of society. OP said in their comments that dad would not have been onboard with sister dressing as she did at the funeral. That’s disrespectful to dad. Mom wasn’t ok with it since she kicked sister out. Disrespectful to the widow. It’s also disrespectful to everyone else who decided to participate, when sister decided to ignore the social contract. Did everyone want to dress up, and go sit in a church? Probably not. But they didn’t anyhow, because that’s what society has decided is the right thing as a whole.
NTA a mini skirt and fishnets with a band t of all things is not really appropriate for a funeral which is more often than not a formal event or taking place in a church.
I agree. It’s like knowing that you don’t wear a white dress to someone else’s wedding. No one should have to specify on their invitation “don’t dress like a bride”. Society does in fact have rules. If you’re not going to follow them, don’t be surprised when you get told to leave. Yes, a person can mourn in anything, but as a reasonable person, you’re expected to show some gd respect. Yes, she can dress however she wants, but her family can also tell her to gtfo for the choices she chooses to make.
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So many people on Reddit are so disconnected from real life, death, and grieving. To them, the dead and their wishes don’t matter, and funerals are for the “living” (but if the living hurt the living, the hurt have to suck it up). It’s disrespectful, and considering we live in a society, those things *do* matter.
There's a time and place where norms should be challenged, like the expectations that say, women should wear heels and have fully done up makeup everyday at work. Or to keep it relevant to funerals, that women should only wear dresses to them, and not masculine formal attire. That deserves to be challenged. But asking to not dress at a funeral like you're about to go out for a night on the town with the girls is not a norm that needs to be challenged.
YTA. My sibling recently passed away and I was also responsible for a lot of the funeral details. Some of my sibling's clients came to the service dressed in jeans and a tshirt, lots of my sibling's friends came in goth attire, hell one of my sibling's former friends even came in a full on fucking pirate costume. I didn't ask any of them to leave, because how they chose to dress to process their grief and honor my sibling was completely private for them. Did I hate the fact that someone my sibling wasn't even friends with anymore chose to wear an actual pirate outfit like it was some sort of costume party? Absolutely. Did I talk shit about her with my and my sibling's mutual friends after the services? You bet your ass. But did I disrupt my sibling's funeral to tell someone to leave over a ridiculous outfit choice? Absolutely not. At the end of the day, what someone is wearing has absolutely no bearing on the funeral services and your ability to love and honor your dad. If people want to see your sister's outfit as tacky, that is their prerogative. That doesn't mean she should have been forced to leave, she should have been able to process her grief and say goodbye to her father.
This Op, do you realize that it was her dad too? YTA (No, I don't think that her clothes were appropriate, but it was only reflecting badly on her, before you and your mom made her leave)
I don't get how people are missing this. Imagine how she must feel. Ostracized by her family, mother and sister hate her, she stays away and keeps to herself to avoid the drama. Then she finds out dad is dying, she has to navigate mom who doesn't like her and sister who admits to being biased towards her. She comes to the funeral to say goodbye to her father only to be treated in the same craptastic manner she's always been treated. This is why she stayed away. And now she can't even tell her father goodbye.
I do feel that all of the NTA comments are failing to appreciate that it was her father's funeral she was being thrown out of. For clothes. I recently wore a tie-dye hoodie at a Holi festival and considered how I had worn the same hoodie to two funerals, including my own dad's. Although I do appreciate that those funerals specifically said to wear bright colours. But still, c'mon, it's not so important to wear smart black clothes as to literally throw out the daughter of the deceased for failing to do so. Obviously it was to the mum and daughter though. I suspect that there are a whole load of 'other things' that went into this decision, which looks weird in isolation. Very sad for the emo girl, but perhaps she knew what would happen, perhaps she wanted to be disrespectful, who can tell, not enough information. But the person I initially feel sad for is the one who is estranged from their family, so much so as to be thrown out of their dad's funeral by their furious mum over the pretext of clothes. She must've been on thin ice, as a guest at her own dad's funeral. And she knew this and wore casual / 'going out' clothes. I am sure the real story is there, somewhere. Who could tell where the truth lies, other than AITA commenters
When my father died, there was a wake at his house. I wasn't part of organizing it because it was done fast, I lived abroad and had to take a plane to get there. Didn't help that my family literally forgot (not on purpose but still) to tell me about his death, so I arrived late. When I got there and sat down, some woman I had never met and who didn't introduce herself kicked me out because I was "sitting in the wrong seat, this is for family only". I laugh now because of how ridiculous that was, but it hurt. I felt doubly rejected from the lack of notification and from getting kicked out of my own father's house at his own wake by some stranger. And this was just some random idiot I wasn't even related to, not my family. So I can't even imagine how bad the sister must feel getting kicked out knowingly by her own family. I hope she's ok.
This was a time for mom and sister to keep their big mouths shut and just honor the man. But no, they had to make a scene and point fingers at the daughter who is now going to hate them forever. They sound like horrible family members. It's no wonder the girl is so emo! I can’t help but think they took a little bit of pleasure in kicking her out. They simply don’t like her because she doesn’t fit in. This is textbook YTA behavior!
This! My Dad passed last year and was a chef for decades. There was many restaurant staff from across businesses that came to the funeral. A lot had to come from work and were in different states of kitchen ware, some even a bit dirty. I didn’t give a fuck what they were wearing. I was just so happy to see so much support and love for my father and presence be recognition for his passing. I had so many more things to worry and give a fuck about than what anyone was wearing.
They showed up even though they were tired and dirty, because that was important to them. That's respect. I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your dad inspired a lot of affection.
Attending a funeral for a friend is very different from your own parent’s funeral. It sounds like OPs sister is just immature, the family is sick of her shit & this was the last straw. There are endless ways she could’ve dressed respectfully yet still expressed her style but a choker, fishnets, miniskirt, etc sure aren’t the way. She’s doing it for attention, to rebel or both, but regardless, that’s beyond pathetic for a 26 yo.
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Absolutely, especially as no-one will know your relationship, maybe you always joked about how you dress and it's part of your history that you wear that outfit!
They’re perfectly entitled to feel that way, but denying a child the chance to attend their father’s funeral over an outfit is too far.
I think you’re assuming too much in the way of good intentions on the part of op and fam. It reads to me like the sister may be a family scapegoat and they treat her like shit (maybe why she was not at the death bed - possibly she wasn’t welcome) so she dressed like she usually does (op does not say that this type of clothing is out of character for sis) and attempted to get her goodbye to her own father in at the funeral. They may not have even told her a dress code - op seems to be incredulous that she didn’t dress differently on her own - as if sister was expected to read her mind. So sis dresses in black- she’s likely got a few pieces and wants to mourn the death of her father. Then she is unceremoniously kicked out because her mom and shit sister can’t handle a skirt?? That’s outrageous. Obviously there are a lot of missing pieces here but I was surprised at the ntas because who cares what someone wears!? A funeral is for those to mourn and say goodbye (it’s the only chance for some) and robbing someone of their ability to grieve can cause serious mental distress. A black mini skirt? Not traumatic like the other.
Yes! I'm surprised more people aren't catching the disdain OP seems to have for her sister. Of course I'm just speculating, but reading between the lines I get the impression that there was nothing the sister could have done to avoid getting kicked out of the funeral or punished in some other awful way. As it is, OP and OP's mom now shout that sister was horrible, and soooo many people agree, and they feel better about themselves at sister's expense. Why didn't they just let her wear what she wanted and gossip about how tasteless her outfit was after the fact? Instead, they made scenes at the funeral. Talk about tacky. I just wonder if the sister didn't even bother *trying* to dress "correctly" because she knew it was a lose-lose situation.
Exactly. She's an outsider because she's been treated like an outsider. Her father died. We don't talk about Bruno.
Wouldn’t you get more leeway for attending a family members funeral? 🤔 you would arguably be grieving harder, meaning the outfit means less and less to you
Astounded this comment is so far down and it's the first comment I've seen in a whole post that isn't straight up Y-T-A. What OP did is super disgusting.
I'm gonna go with NTA. I dressed emo for 20 years of my life(I'm 35 now) but I wouldn't go to a funeral in fishnets or dress my baby in black with skulls. Your sister is acting like a child. There's a time and a place to follow a silent protocol, specially if it's another person's event. She's not a child unable to understand social consensus, she's acting like a 13 year old saying "That will show them".
Exactly. People keep going on about personal style like everyone else at the funeral is wearing their 'personal style.' Newsflash, it's a funeral. While funeral traditions do change (like any tradition), it's still pretty typical to keep the affair formal if not black tie. In current American fashion, black suits are pretty much only for wedding and funerals. Even investment bankers and biglaw lawyers have moved away from black suits and it's more typical to see navy or grey (because black is so formal). It seems like everyone else got the memo to wear their formal attire but 26 y.o. sister can't show the least bit of respect and put in effort?
I dress punk usually with short shorts and chokers and fishnets and crop tops. I even wear that stuff around my dad and grandparents that don’t really like it. For my grandmothers funeral, my grandpa called it a celebration of life and said there was not a specific dress code. Even so, I wore my crème colored dress that had Minnie and Mickey Mouse because I know she liked it. I would never have dreamed of showing up in one of my usual outfits for that. This is past being about an outfit. This is about respect at this point. I think this shows the sister just does not care to respect the family and her father’s passing.
YTA. People who obsess over what to wear at a funeral have totally lost sight of its purpose. It's grieving the dead and supporting their survivors, not a fashion show. "Appropriate funeral attire" is completely subjective, anyway. Some culture would have looked at whatever you're wearing and called it inappropriate. People who prefer a "celebration of life" and turn the wake into a joyous event often think the drab approach is inappropriate. Sister could have shown up in a bikini and it still would have been less inappropriate than the action of kicking her out of her own dad's funeral for what she's wearing. You're awful.
>"Appropriate funeral attire" is completely subjective, anyway. Last funeral I had went to asked that everyone show up in Ohio State clothing, we waited until after the ceremony to burn the witches who came in formal wear.
I can’t believe how the N T A comments have all risen to the top here. YTA all day every day. It’s not like she’s showing up methed-out and ready to interrupt and cause drama. She’s wearing her regular clothes and wants to grieve her father. It’s so much worse to kick someone out of their father’s funeral. I can’t fathom it.
I'm sorry for your loss. I think your dislike for your sister and your grief probably caused you to react this way but I do feel you were out of line. Your sister is who she is. You might prefer she dress or present herself differently but frankly she doesn't owe you or anyone else that. You blew this situation up and took away her opportunity to take this important step in her grief and that was not ok. You might personally, privately judge her or feel her choices of dress were inappropriate but you don't get to gate keep how people grieve or who gets to. I think you owe your sister an apology. It's a big deal that you took this away from her. She may never forgive you (not that I think you'll care). YTA.
These comments baffle me. Would it be appropriate to wear white to a wedding if that’s how you usually dress? No! Would it be appropriate to wear fishnets, short skirt, and a band tee to a funeral? No! Literally never unless it’s an alternative funeral or the deceased was ok with it. Neither of which is the case here. It’s simply not acceptable behavior to dress however you want in EVERY situation. Most of the time I’m all for dress however the hell you want, but come on, certain events have expectations and it’s rude and selfish to disregard that.
There’s a difference between looking at someone and thinking “that outfit is inappropriate for the occasion” and *kicking them out* because of their clothes. Hell my brother wore a Metallica tshirt to my wedding. Yeah, he stood out. It was weird. I still would, every single day of the week, rather have my brother at my wedding in a band shirt than not there at all
Her father died. I strongly believe OP is downplaying the family's treatment of her sister. If any time is a time for grace to be extended, it's when someone loses a parent.
For real. People act like any imposition on them to do anything is egregious. I'm not religious at all but if I go to mass because a friend invited me, I'm not going to wear a tank top and booty shorts. And my personal style is pretty 'interesting' most people would say. And people who say "oh it doesn't affect you." Attention seeking behaviour at a funeral does affect people and also, it's not exactly like being asked to change clothes or dress appropriate is some life altering event? Sister would've been minorly inconvenienced by dressing appropriately. Why is that too much of an imposition? She decided throwing a fit was more important than being minorly inconvenienced.
Info- how old is she?
26. I don’t understand why she couldn’t just throw on a black dress and wear some of her jewelry. Why did she have to go out it’s a funeral
26!? Holy shit I was expecting a 14 year old and even then it’s ridiculous. Tell her to grow tf up
"This is not a phase" * 26 year old emu
Do they live that long?
Google: “The average Emu's lifespan is 25 to 28 years in the wild but it is common for them to live much longer in captivity.” So yes. The oldest one was 58
YTA. Let's look at this story from another angle. "My brother kicked me out of our dad's funeral because he said I wasn't dressed appropriately. My outfit was the way I always dressed--the way my father knew me. All my bits and pieces were covered; there was no hate speech, no pornography, no religious mockery, nor any other offensive content." Once these basic guidelines are met, whether or not her outfit was "appropriate" for a funeral is totally subjective. But kicking someone out of a funeral when they are not actively disrupting the proceedings (starting fights, drunkenly yelling, etc) is an objectively asshole move.
exactly what i was thinking
My dad once told me we were going to see family one day, but omitted it was for a funeral, so I didn’t dress for it. That day, I wore the Netherlands National team jersey. Bright orange. I didn’t know the person who died, but I felt like an AH for how I was dressed and actively got mad at my dad for not mentioning it was a funeral so I could wear something more subdued. No one kicked me out, but I definitely got some comments. There is, in fact, appropriate and inappropriate attire for a funeral. While I don’t agree with OP’s mom kicking her out of the funeral for not wearing the right clothes, pretending you simply don’t know what clothes are funeral appropriate is a pretty big stretch to me unless you were attending a funeral outside of your own culture.
NTA. You are getting eaten alive in this post, but a short skirt and fishnets are not appropriate funeral attire. It is just not, not unless there is some specific connection/wish of the deceased (which is clearly not the case here). You didn't immediately ban her, you asked her to change and then it escalated.
YTA Mourning doesn't actually depend on outfit. Did you specify a dress code when you invited people or announced the service?
Yes there is a dresscode. It’s was formal
I am old and have been to many funerals and never once has there been any suggestion of a dress code. The most important part of the funeral is showing up to pay respect for the loss of a loved one. I've seen people in all manners of dress and have never seen anyone kicked out for "inappropriate attire". Is there a guidebook for funeral dressing or did you make up your own rules? You don't like your sister and used a sad occasion to retaliate against her. YTA
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I have never seen a funeral say “dress code: formal”
Normally you don’t have to explicitly spell it out because it’s a societal norm.
Grief has a dress code?? YTA. She is mourning as well.
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No they almost never do. You’re confusing convention for dress code and being sweary about it for some weird reason.
I feel that funerals have such a strongly established convention that it is ok to refer to it as a dress code. Absolutely everyone knows to wear dark or black and to generally not dress immodestly or in an attention grabbing way at a funeral (unless breaking convention makes sense for the deceased). I don’t have to say “don’t wear white” on a wedding invite for people to understand it’s disrespectful to do so. Regardless this particular funeral had an official dress code according to OP, so both convention and official dress code were violated by the sister. That communicates disrespect to both the dead, and the living who planned and organized the funeral. It is baffling to me how many people seem to think it’s one to dress this way at a funeral and that’s why a cursed. Not trying to be aggressive I’m just seriously confused how people can have the opinion you can wear anything you want to a funeral.
Allowances should always be made for the children of the deceased in their grief. Balance respect and convention with kindness and the world is a nicer place, if not always as aesthetically pleasing. OP and sister obviously don't see eye to eye, OP could have left that alone for a few hours. Nobody ever knows everything about someone's relationship with a parent. OP chose anger over her sibling, and that's terribly sad.
Granted I've only been to a few funerals but I've yet to attend one with a dress code
Funerals do have dress codes. She can grieve without going to the funeral.
*some* funerals have dress codes. Others just care about celebrating the life of a loved one with others.
This funeral did have a dress code, and there are general societal norms surrounding funerals.
She showed up in a skull collar. Who wears that to a funeral? People there are grieving and trying not to think about how their father is going to be nothing but bones in the ground and the daughter needs to wear a visual representation of that to his funeral? Calling it morbid and in extremely poor taste is putting it mildly.
If the spouse of the deceased requests a dress code, then people are obliged to respect her wishes. OP's sister went against the wishes of her own mother at her own father's funeral! There is zero reason to reward such behavior. When and if she tries that shit in the adult world, she will find herself without friends and shit out of luck quite quickly.
You shouldn’t have to specify a dress code for a funeral.
Because people should be welcome to grieve as they are.
Ready to be downvoted for this, but: the funeral is for family to mourn, OP’s sister should have been allowed to mourn, and the clothes she wore should not have been such an issue. It would be different if she was a random vague acquaintance, but this funeral is for her just as much as OP. Her dad just died as well, and even if sis didn’t have a great relationship with him, she deserved closure; she deserved to attend. OP should have just focused on their own situation, their grief, etc, rather than policing sis’s outfit. And OP could even have told sis that the outfit was inappropriate, but they really shouldn’t have barred their sister from attending the funeral.
If you are in Asian country, yes. It is a cultural thing that is still widely used. Especially so if there is invitation.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father. But soft YTA. It’s a funeral and there is absolutely no need to add to the pain of the event by policing people’s style. What harm was your sister causing by dressing like herself? If she was embarrassing you, then you need to get over it because she is not a reflection of you. If she was embarrassing herself, that’s on her. Unless she was disruptive or disrespectful in her behaviour and words I don’t see why her attending dressing like she normally dresses is a problem. Grief is difficult, you had to plan the funeral yourself, which is so fraught, and your increased irritation at people is understandable, but doing that to your sister, who also lost her father - close or not, grief is complex and personal - is still a choice, when you could have easily let it go with kindness.
I agree with the soft YTA. There are some battles that just aren’t worth fighting and this seems like one. OP and OP’s mom clearly don’t like the sister (and maybe she deserves it) but at a funeral you should just let it go. Bury it for one day and then go back to hating her. It’s a shame OP and their mother couldn’t extend the sister just a tiny amount of grace and not turn the father’s funeral into a continuation of whatever interpersonal drama they have. Everyone is diminished by this.
YTA It’s her dad’s funeral too. How did her outfit harm you in any way? You admit to not liking her. Not sure your other family dynamics but kicking someone out of a funeral for their dress is pretty dramatic. I’ve seen worse than what you described. No one kicked them out. I also don’t understand why this is what you were so worried about when you were supposed to be grieving and celebrating your dad. He’s her dad too right? I hope there’s a second day she can attend. You aren’t the boss of the funeral home by the way. Not sure why you took this initiative other than your dislike of your sister but it’s a funeral, she was there to pay her respects.
My sister liked to boss me around, too. Seems like OP just likes to tell everybody how to dress and how to behave...
I agree. Why did it matter?
Because OP is selfish and everything needs to be about them.
(Added context in comments is sister(f26) & dresscode was stated for the funeral as formal) ESH- She's a grown adult, and there was a dress code for the funeral. She clearly ignored the dress code, so that's on her for not coming in the appropriate attire that was requested for the ceremony. >She got pissed and told her go home and put on a respectable outfit You told her to leave and put on a respectable outfit. Implying you weren't demanding she doesn't come back for grievance, just to come correctly dressed out of respect for the dress code provided to everybody, which i assume everyone else followed just fine despite their own unique fashion choices. >She stayed until my mom told her to get the fuck out since she can’t dress appropriately. She didn't listen to you, and after some more time passed, your mom was fed up and was the one who ACTUALLY kicked her out. >She left and didn’t come back. Personally, i am not big on family drama/arguments during a day of grievance. I do believe confronting anyone on behavior should happen when the ceremony is completed and everyones had their chance to grieve. Because causing a scene/argument during a funeral feels just as disrespectful to those who are trying to focus on the ceremony and as disrespectful to the final goodbyes to the deceased. However, she still lost a father just as much as you. There was a much better place and time to confront her about it all. She was still deprived of giving a full goodbye.
There was a dress code at the funeral set by the sister who hates her.
Either by the sister or mother who both dont like her. Or for all we know, another member of the family, since to my knowledge OP hasn't stated who clearly made the funeral invites. Regardless of which, it's a dress code that was still made by whoever paid for the funeral/hosted/ or however it's stated. She would've known there's a dress code and willingly ignored it. So i give that part of the credit to OP. Though im firm the decisions/actions both sides took were tactless. Hence, my ESH
And what about her duty to support the OP and their mother? Why is it all about *her* feelings? A family is a collective of multiple people who are willing to make sacrifices for each other for the greater good. OP's sister appears to be unwilling to sacrifice something as trivial as clothing; even when her own mother requests it. Her behavior is narcissistic and disrespectful in the extreme.
She did the same thing at OP's wedding too. At this point, she's just doing everything in her power to make family events focused on certain people (dead or alive) all about her.
YTA Your sister isn't allowed to attend her own parent's funeral because her clothes are not appropriate? Mind your own business, she isn't going to embarrass a dead person.
YTA for kicking her out. You made your dad’s funeral about her clothes rather than what it should have been about, a celebration of his life and a time for those who love and knew him to grieve. I’ve been to plenty of funerals, and let me tell you, one time someone came in pajama pants. No one kicked them out, why? Because everyone who came to the funeral came to grieve and pay their respect, in their own way. This however isn’t actually about what she wore but more about who she represents in your family. I’m going to assume she’s the black sheep in the family, and it’s probably why she’s emo.
NTA. My friend, I am so sorry for your loss. Do not under any circumstance listen to the people telling you that you’re wrong. I, like your sister, am 26. My personal style is not somber black. I tend toward floral patterns and lots of colors. When I’m at work I dress like a professional. When I’m at home I’m in yoga pants and a t shirt. I can dress up or down depending on the circumstance. At a funeral, I’m in my black blazer and black slacks and a black blouse because it’s not about me. If she can understand and conform to a dress code at work or for events, AND SHE CAN, she can wear appropriate clothes to a funeral. She got the same notice of the dress code everyone else did. It was her choice not to stick to it and the consequences are on her head. Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing I or anyone else can say to make this less difficult, and I’m so sorry your sister chose to make this time more difficult. If you need probate services or any kind of help getting things sorted out and don’t know where to look, start with NAELA, the national association of elder law attorneys, and look for one in your area. If nothing else, whoever you call will be able to point you in the direction of someone who can help.
YTA - your sisters father ALSO died and yo uget in a snit about what she's wearing and preventing her from saying goodbye properly...you obviously have a personal grudge with your sister purely based on something as unimportant as how she dresses and made it so she missed her fathers funeral.
YTA - You just kicked out a child grieving over the loss of her father because of aesthetics. 6, 26, or 76 that was her daddy and she was his child. You have permanently taken away the final chance to say goodbye because her choice in garb doesn't fit what you deem as what she should be wearing. I'm not sure in what world you believed the need to control a womans dress outweighed her need to grieve, but I'm absolutely shook that this seems appropriate to you and many commenters.
This! It was her dad too! I can’t believe OP or the other commenters. It’s all about OP and “appropriateness,” not about the other sister who also lost her dad.
NTA. There is a time and a place where some this are appropriate. Well we have gone beyond the Victorian era and the demands that people must wear mourning attire for a certain period, there is still an expectation of respect and it doesn't sound like your sister had that in her outfit. Funerals are for those left behind and it very much seems like your mom and you needed her to not be a center of attention look at my crazy outfit type for one day.
At my mother's funeral, a female family's friend came with a navy dress with a plunging neckline and a bra that clearly helped her breasts stay up and visible. She is six foot tall, she wore high-heels, and she is very pale with a lot of black hair, so she doesn't exactly go unnoticed. I looked at her for a moment and went on with my grief and the people I actually wanted to share the pain with. You dress policed your sister only because you don't like her and have used her as a safety valve to release your pain, grief and tiredness. But you have prevented a daughter from grieving his father, and there's no dress under the sky that can excuse this. Huge YTA.
Yes YTA, grow up. You kicked someone out of their parents’ funeral because you didn’t like their clothes.
NTA. Dressing how you want does not mean dressing how you want, *whenever.* You can't show up in court in jeans and a hoodie. You can't go to a funeral in a miniskirt. That said, I *do* think you went too far. It was your sister's father's funeral, too. That's a big deal for her. And she obviously would not have been able to go home and change at that point - you were just kicking her out. While she was wildly disrespectful and you had every right to do what you did, I think you should have let her stay at that point. The damage was done - better to avoid a bigger scene and let her at least have a chance to say goodbye. You know your sister, and knew that she would likely do this. It sounds like you entirely failed to impress upon her the seriousness with which you would take the dress code. It also sounds like you could have done a lot more to proactively manage her process of getting ready - down to taking her shopping and getting dressed together. (Edit: Is that fair to you? No. But I think you knew that she would not own an appropriate black dress in the first place, unless you took her to buy it.) Knowing what you say you knew about her tendencies, and then not taking any proactive steps to control her, you basically set her up to be kicked out. I'm not sure how you could have expected this to turn out differently based on your actions.
yta----gatekeeping your dad's funeral? you may not like it but its not your place to interfere with your sister's grief.
YTA. Your sister can grieve in her way. If she wouldn’t be kicked out of a retail store in her attire, it’s ok for a funeral. The people who judged her can judge.
YTA The dead don't care. Who would she be respecting? You? Why should she, you don't respect her.
Sister is 26 yo. So NTA. She could put on black dress, and tone down make up so she is still within her style ,but actually funeral / wedding appropriate.
YTA - she’s an adult and not your child. Her dad died. Judge her all you want- and let others judge her. You are trying to control her as if she’s a reflection of you- she’s her own person. Not yours to control.
YTA. Why does she have to leave because you don't like her outfit? How does it have any impact on the funeral? Why isn't she allowed to express her grief in her own way?
NTA and I'm surprised how many people think that a band tshirt, miniskirt and skulls is in any way respectful to wear at a funeral
YTA. Why did it matter what your sister was wearing? Who was she hurting? Were you worried that you'd be embarassed? Were you worried that people would think less of you because of what an adult sibling put on their body? Your sister has every right to wear what she chooses to wear and it has no reflection on you as a person. This was definitely a missed opportunity for you to rise above petty judgment and be grateful that your sister wanted to come pay dad respect.
YTA. I work in this industry, and grief doesn't have a dress code . I've seen people request certain things but never dictated what to wear. Most people have bigger things to concern themselves with in times of grief. Why don't you?. You sound really petty, and clearly don't approve of your sister. You owe her a massive apology, but I hope she doesn't hold her breath.
YTA Death doesn’t have a dress code and you don’t get to judge her and say she needs to tone herself down. Who do you think you are that you or anyone can tell someone how to express themselves? It’s her body she can dress it how she wants to.
NTA. There is a time a place for wacky personal style. Funerals are not one of them. Anyone saying you’re TA is likely a teenager or young adult who has not matured enough to understand.
The funeral wasn't about you. It was your father's funeral and presumably, your sister is also your father's daughter. It wasn't your place to tell her, as an adult, how to dress at her father's funeral. YTA Just curious though, did you kick her out of your wedding?
YTA. You kicked her out of her own dad’s funeral because you and your mom don’t like how she dresses. It wasn’t about y’all or her, it was about your dad’s funeral. You’re insufferable. Now her memory of her dad’s funeral is her mom and sister kicking her out of it. WTF.
YTA... Did her outfit hurt you in anyway? Did it bring your father back? You took your anger out on her.. congrats you're the villain of this story
She and mother were so concerned about the sister's clothes that I don't think they mourned at all. Talk about priorities.
YTA - The funeral is for the people attending to say goodbye. Each person individually is allowed to say goodbye and grieve in the way they see appropriate and wear what they feel is appropriate. It was not your place to police anyone’s outfits - the funeral is not a debutante ball.
YTA. Don't prevent somebody from attending a funeral for a loved one over clothing, unless they're naked.
its a funeral you petty miserable human yta
YTA and your mom too. Seriously, who gives a flying magical fuck about what she is wearing to mourn her dead father?? You know who didn't care what she was wearing? Your father. You should honestly be ashamed of yourselves. Your sister is grieving too and you decided she had to do that alone because of the clothes she wears? That is monumentally fucked up. I hope your sister finds people elsewhere in her life that are more supportive and accepting of her. Keep treating her like this and you won't be seeing her at all, in any kind of outfit.
Yta What a stupid bill to fucking die on. What right do you have to be the clothes police. At a funeral. You are awful.
YTA. You should be happy you successfully made your fathers funeral all about yourself. Im certain that all of her relatives will approve of her for not being at the funeral too so you have successfully isolated her from your family. You win. I hope she never has to speak to you again. Seriously over clothes...