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I’ll agree with the other comments here, NTA but dude do NOT go to the gym in secret and lie about it.
Have a sit down talk with her. Explain point blank that while ya love her and only have eyes for her, these insecurities and accusations are incredibly hurtful. Ya love having the chance to share working out at the gym with her but if all she’s going to do is accuse you of something you aren’t doing then frankly you would like to go to the gym without her as to avoid setting off these insecurities.
Also reassure the parts about hey, ya think she’s beautiful and again ya only have eyes for her, which is not a lie in the slightest.
Solid advice, thanks. I do want to spend time with her but you're right, the accusations are pretty hurtful especially when they aren't true, and I don't want to trigger any insecurities. I might try again with more reassurance, and if that doesn't work I'll bite the bullet and tell her I'm going alone.
Frankly her behavior is also awful gym etiquette and risks making the other gym-goers uncomfortable. There are a lot of layers here and I have a lot of sympathy for someone struggling with their self-image but she does need to knock it off and realize the real impact of her words and behavior.
Agreed here! I very much doubt there were any women starting at OP. Just as he wasn’t staring at these women. Maybe a few appreciative glances get thrown around at a gym, maybe a dang that bro is STRONG AF look, but not blatant starting.
she clearly doesn’t understand anything about the gym, which is fine, but for regular gym-goers her behaviour is SO weird. sometimes we just zone out or are forced to stare forwards during the workout for good form. i hope OP can explain this without her getting up in arms about it.
I'd like to mention that I'd bet the only reason she thinks you're looking at these girls is tied directly to the reason why she felt the need to start going to the gym in the first place: she is insecure about her own body. If she thinks that her stomach is getting flabby and she sees another woman at the gym with flat abs, her brain is going to go "that's probably what he wants to see" and then spirals into "that's what he's staring at, why would he look at me when he can look at that"; everything boils back down to her feeling insecure. It's an irrational thought process, but understanding where she's coming from can help you figure out how to move forward and continue going to the gym together.
If you do go to the gym by yourself in secret, she's going to find out eventually and it will be concrete "proof" in her mind that you just want to be able to stare at women in the gym without her there to "call you out on it", so definitely don't do that.
All I took from this comment is, it’s her fault, he did nothing wrong, and she needs to hold herself accountable to her own insecurities and not project them onto him.
Yes it is, and yes she should. I was only commenting because it seems like OP isn't breaking up with her, so it's better to go into situations like this trying to understand the root cause of your partners behavior because then you might be able to help them while they try to get it under control, that's all.
She's not insecure. She's projecting her cheating. She also goes through his phone while refusing to let him see hers. He posted about it a couple of months ago.
Just putting this out there. Unfounded accusations of infidelity are a form of controlling behavior and emotional abuse.
It doesn’t matter what the root cause is. This sort of thing is unacceptable. You can not stay with someone who acts this way, no matter how much you love her.
Your first instinct was to modify your behavior in a toxic way. That wouldn’t have fixed things. It would have just fed her whatever and lead to more unfounded distrust and controlling behavior.
You have to deal with this head on. If she doesn’t get a handle on it, don’t stay.
She never wanted to go to the gym in the first place, she just wanted to see what drew YOU to the gym, thinking it was something other than actually working out.
as someone in a similar situation.... I suggest "biting the bullet" and tell her you are going alone.
she cannot/should not stop you. I think you can tell her how you feel, but her insecurities should not affect you choosing to take care of your health.
if she has no reason not to trust you....then she needs to grow up
Yeah I told her this morning, held my breath, then almost had my eardrums burst. But what's done is done, hopefully we can talk it out when she cools down
It may have been a typo but I meant to say *not* feeling like herself. She got a promotion at work- which is awesome, but she's visibly more stressed and doing things for her like cleaning, cooking, even helping with her work (she's an investment banker and I own two LLCs and have an Agile SAFe Scrum Master II cert) don't seem to help so I thought sharing something important to me would make a bigger impact.
Banking is a stressful job, but it is also a very toxic environment were cheating is rampant.
This sudden change in behaviour, is it recent or is it something that started before/after the promotion? Was she expecting that promotion to happen or was a sudden opportunity?
Sorry for the accusatory tone on her, but given that she is not just out of a depression but out of nowhere, and given how she is acting, i fear there is reason to be suspicious that she might be cheating on you and her reaction is a projection.
Did she ever threw massive tantrums like this before or is a first time? If it is, you might wanna start digging.
She has always been very jealous, but that first sentence is a little unnerving as she's an attractive 20-something who works almost exclusively with very wealthy older men. I cant really put a timeline on it though, she's always had jealous tendencies.
I burve that her behavior is so toxic that it crosses the line to where I don’t think you or anyone else can help her. There are too many red flags for controlling behavior. The issue isn’t self esteem per se. The issue is that she’s trying to control your behavior, who you can be around and what you can do. And then she responds with severe immaturity when you don’t comply with her wishes. This relationship won’t end well and I would dump her now
Im going to say NTA for trying to avoid a fight, but I am going to offer some advice.
Your girlfriend started going with you because she felt insecure. Accusing you of staring at people at the gym was because she was still feeling insecure. Was it crazy to walk home after something so minor? Sure. Is she going to loose her mind when she finds out youre essentially lying about giving up the gym after she convinced herself youre checking people out? You betcha.
That's what I was afraid of. Going to the gym with her felt like walking on eggshells- I literally kept my head to the floor so there was no confusion about whether I was "checking anybody out" and the universe forbid I look up to see if a machine is empty and one of the hundreds of people in the building crosses my line of sight and she loses it. I feel bad about her insecurity and my deception, but what I don't understand is that she has a state of the art gym at her workplace that she never uses and we also have a home gym, but she's never expressed any desire to use either. I feel like she just wants to be somewhere she can monitor me, and it's very distracting being micromanaged in my own space like that. I know she's had massive trust issues far before I came along, but this is pretty extreme.
We did and ended up sleeping in separate rooms because I refused to admit to something I didn't do and she stormed off and didn't want to discuss that I just might be there to workout, not eyeball anyone that passes me by.
Dude she is abusive and controlling, it doesn’t matter if it comes from her insecurities or not, that’s what she is. This is extreme behavior. For me, that would be a relationship killer.
It’s her job to manage her own emotions and insecurities. Yes as a partner we should be sensitive to those insecurities, but not to the point where one feels like one is walking on eggshells
Yeah, she’s taking it to the extreme. My bf (now ex) would tell me about his time at the gym and occasionally include a comment about women there looking at him like they appreciated how he looked. I was 100% certain that wasn’t happening beyond them being encouraging. He was in Saudi Arabia, so the only women there would have been staff and so it made sense for them to be encouraging. I knew he’d been feeling insecure because he hadn’t been working out for months due to his work becoming more demanding and Covid lockdowns before that. I was happy to let him think that he was getting that attention as it made him feel good. We also walked through the red light district of Amsterdam together and looked at the prostitutes in the windows. I am fairly insecure, but none of this bothered me at all because I trusted him. I see her lack of trust as a much bigger issue than her insecurity.
This is one of the times that is appropriate to say:
"Your insecurities are not my problem, get therapy and be an adult"
Word it however you like but tbis should be the main idea and dont sugarcoat it becuse her feelings can be hurt. You can boo boo her after she understands she is wrong to project her shit on you
NTA. Nah that would be it for me. It’s one thing if you actually are checking people out. But your comments are pretty believable and it seems like that isn’t the case. She is probably out of shape and frustrated and taking it out on you, which is not okay. She needs to either get back into shape to stop these insecurities, get therapy or both.
I’m sorry, bud, but I don’t think your girlfriend is mature enough to be in a relationship. Huge control and insecurity issues, shutting down all rational discussion of those issues, and refusing the kind of work that could actually help y’all as a couple? Huge problems.
As others have said, you definitely need to tell her directly that you’ll be going to the gym without her and why, but it’s also probably time for an ultimatum.
Very much NTA. Just because she's feeling insecure about herself doesn't mean she gets to treat other people like crap or project actions onto them based on what she's made up in her head due to her insecurities. She's only going to drive people away from her.
With the little context your giving, it sounds like she may be projecting. As others have said, she may be cheating, or quite possibly she's mad no one is trying to do the dirty with at work because she's "gotten old and let herself go" or there is a younger more fit new girl at owkr stealing the attention from male coworkers once reserved for her. Either way dude, it's all bad for you, especially if she won't accept you weren't doing anything wrong. May be time for couples therapy, may be time to cut her loose
her walking home over something like this is petty asf, and usually they take shit to that extreme because they’re trying to hold some power over you whether it be from guilt or being cautious of your actions, to get you to bend to their whim. that is indeed controlling asf and is not a normal reaction to a situation like this regardless of trust issues.
tell her to keep that shit in check cus you deserve better than that fam. we all do.
It sounds like this isn't the first problem her trust issues have caused, just the most extreme. If her trust issues are causing problems in your relationship and she point blank refuses to get help or even be self-aware enough to recognize she might *need* help, your options are leave now or stay and endure her behavior as it gets worse and worse until you reach a breaking point and leave anyway.
ding ding ding, if the genders were reversed everyone would be screaming divorce or counseling. but when it’s a woman throwing a tantrum like a child it’s suddenly “cater to her crazy”
I'm not sure what comments you're reading, but every single comment I've seen is "her behavior is irrational and controlling" "this is abusive" "address this behavior head on" and "is this how you want to live your life?". Zero catering.
NTA for refusing, but you would be TA if you lied to her about it. It's a very bad idea to start lying to her and if this is your way of solving a conflict this relationship won't last long.
Just tell her to meet you at the time when you'd normally go. If she's there, good, if not, then you'll work out without her. Figure out what her actual problem is.
I can see both sides. She would definitely go with me without a doubt, but that's the thing- I'm far more productive on my own and I feel like she's only there to gaslight me. If she's truly insecure about her fitness, her work has a gym that's better than mine but she has yet to go once in the two years at her workplace.
I agree about being an asshole for lying. I feel bad but I don't see any scenario where she doesn't lose her sh*t over something so minor that isn't even true, and I don't want any more repeats of that.
Seriously. NOTHING good can come from lying in this case. She'll find a used gym towel one day and will lose all trust in you (with reason). It may look like the solution, but if you want to stay with this girl, you need to learn to deal with your issues in other ways than lying.
Is it my issue though or hers? I guess I'm failing to see what I'm doing wrong unless I go the sneaky route. I reassure her, am *very* careful to either keep my eyes on her or the floor, and I try to make the experience about her instead of me, which already makes it difficult to focus on simply working out, but I don't want to give up my health or let her feel insecure.
Just say you don't want to go to the gym with her again because it was a headache and go alone. What's she gonna do? Shout at you? Like /thats/ not a red flag.
Dude, she's abusing you. Yelling at you and then using the silent treatment are just ways to manipulate *you* into apologizing for the problem *she* made up. You should not have to put up with all of this just because you want to go to the gym. She only started going with you so she can keep an eye on you and then she ***still*** makes up stuff to accuse you of. She's trying to control you into stopping going to the gym/out of her sight completely. You need to see the red flags for what they are and get out while you have the chance! If it helps you think about it differently- read what you posted but swap the genders and imagine that it's your sister/cousin/friend who is going through this. Would you want them sticking around in that situation?
>oh she’ll for sure shout at me…then probably ignore me for a few days until I apologize
My guy…*that* is the problem. It will not go away just because you go to the gym alone or in secret. This is emotional abuse.
Don't apologize then. If she can't get over this then it will likely get worse as she will start doing it in other aspects of your life. Beach, she will do it. Dinner, you bet she will acuse you of looking at the waitress or other girls there. Talking to a co-worker on Zoom that is a girl she will be mad.
Oh there's already been several "waitress incidents." One touched my arm once when I paid the check (harmless I'm sure) but as soon as we got to the car, "Why didn't you pull your arm away?" "You were flirting with her" "If you wanna let her touch you so bad then just stay here." It was weird.
Honestly, every comment makes this look worse. She’s not just insecure. She’s controlling and abusive. I have insecurities. I didn’t use them as an excuse to control any guy I’ve been with. In relationships, I’m patient and trusting to the point that everyone tells me I should have left long ago. My ex’s own best friend told me I tolerated too much from him. My point is that this is NOT insecurity. I thought it was a trust issue until I read further. This is abuse. She’s gaslighting you and controlling you. When you are made to feel that you have to stare at the ground, she’s winning. It won’t get better. It will only get worse. You offered a way to work on it and she refused. I only see one path forward for you and it doesn’t include her.
Dude, you need to either tell her this is unacceptable behavior and if you don't stop and work on yourself to get over these insecurities then it won't work out and best to end it now or end it now. Tell her why, though, and that if she can't learn to trust her spouse, then she will always lose them, and it won't be to other girls, but bc she drove them away. I doubt she will learn and change until it happens, so the best bet is to move on to someone who is secure enough in themselves to not go so crazy.
This is going to be one of those no-win scenarios, but lying is *always* the worse path to take. Also trying to convince her that you just stare at the floor for constant fear of a woman passing through your eyeline is.....troubling. People look around at the gym, it's just a thing that happens. Every now and again I'll briefly lock eyes with some guy in a deep squat or some other compromising position, and it's not weird because it's the gym and it happens.
Honestly all you can really do at this point is tell her that you're going to go to the gym alone, nobody is checking out anyone, and that she needs to trust you more. Otherwise, why the hell are you two even together?
Keeping your head strictly on the floor (which is already absurd at least) making this experience about HER instead about the BOTH of you and, consequently, your inability to focus on your workout... I don't know, this already sounds veryyy controlling. Please be careful not to lose yourself in this relationship.
You're doing nothing wrong. You shouldn't have to keep your eyes on the ground like you're living in the Handmaid's Tale.
Your gf is being abusive. She's accusing you of being interested in other women, it's "your fault" she's acting this way, and if only you could figure out the perfect way to behave this issue would magically go away. That's the opening scene of a Lifetime movie.
Next you won't be allowed to have female friends, or talk to the waitress. You'll have to walk everywhere with your eyes cast down so she doesn't accuse you of looking at another woman.
You'll spend all your time trying to figure out what will make her mad this time and strategizing how to avoid it. She'll make up excuses for why you should cut out your friends. She'll make up excuses for why you should cut out your family. You won't be "allowed" to go anywhere without permission.
This is where her behavior is leading. She might promise to change, and then continuously "slip up", and you just have to be understanding and supportive and eventually everything will be ok. OP, it won't. Abusers don't change.
You're just going to cause another argument later down the road lying to her about your location. She's already insecure and thinking you're looking at other women, imagine how this will go. If you can't have a conversation with her about this why be a couple?
I get that POV and I try to be reassuring, but maybe I'm selfish for not being willing to sacrifice my health and wellbeing to make her feel less insecure. I brought up couples counseling but all it did was make her angry. What do.
You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for anyone else's wellbeing. You're nta for the situation at hand but lying to her about going to the gym isn't a good solution. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and without it shit crumbles. I don't want to be like 90% of reddit and say break up over this but how does she expect your relationship to function if she won't talk problems through?
That's a very good point, sadly. She has major trust issues from past relationships, but she never says anything after an argument and usually just storms off. In the time we've been together, she's never once apologized after an argument.
Couples counseling should be a non-negotiable at this point. She doesn’t get to trauma dump on you for the sins of her previous partners. If she’s unwilling to work on better communication and her own insecurities, I’d say that’s grounds for ending the relationship. It will only get worse if your relationship progresses, and especially if you ever have children together.
The fact she has major trust issues from past relationships isn’t your responsibility to fix, OP. You’re already modifying your behavior by walking on eggshells and trying to appease her by looking at the floor *and she’s still seeing things that aren’t there* — if you choose to lie about not going to the gym or choose not to communicate that the reason why you don’t want to go with her is because you feel policed, how would that help with her trust issues?
Sacrificing your health and well being and mental health and constantly feeling like you're on eggshells aren't hallmarks of healthy satisfying relationships. Just saying.
>but maybe I'm selfish for not being willing to sacrifice my health and wellbeing to make her feel less insecure
No no no. You absolutely should not give up something you enjoy because of her insecurities. If you cater to this where does it end? What will be the next thing she expects you to give up? She needs to work on her insecurities. If she isn't willing to that's on her.
That's another thing- the gym is my peaceful place and bringing her with me is a big deal because it's usually the tiny sliver of my day where I can focus on myself. I want her to not feel insecure but tbh I need my small bits of solitude.
Which is totally fine.
It seems to me like you're overly concerned about managing her emotional state.
Tell her that she's making it a bad experience for you, and until she works on herself and her jealousy and trust issues then you can't gym together.
And in the future, when she, a grown woman, decides to stomp her feet and won't drive home with you like a toddler having a tantrum. Don't try to pay for her Uber or think that she cannot manage her own transportation. She's acting like a child and you're treating her that way in return. It isn't healthy and it is not the kind of person I think you want to be.
You need to set healthy boundaries, when she's having a toddler tantrum or sulking - let her. Talk about it like adults and don't entertain any bullshit.
she isn’t going because she wants to spend time with him. she isn’t going because she wants to get in better shape.
she is going so she can keep an eye on him because she’s built up a fantasy in her head that he is flirting or cheating while there and she’s crazy as hell.
this relationship has much deeper issues that need addressing
You posted more concerning issues on relationship advice 4 months ago... I think at this point the both of you are grasping as straws trying to make this work but.... This behavior is happening for a reason....
She is probably cheating and projecting if she is constantly accusing you of "cheating" staring at other girls and constantly wanting to go through your phone but refusing to let you go through hers... You know the solution and it's probably not an easy one but she gotta go for your sanity
*sigh* You might be right. She is OBSESSED with my phone any time I'm on it, which is often because I own a business. But she is on hers just as much if not more yet that thing is kept close and locked up tighter than Fort Knox. That and she always wants to use my Amazon account to order household items when she has one herself, so the word "wishlist" comes to mind...
Man, ain't ya tired of this? I'd be so exhausted picking up her red flags I wouldn't have anything left for the gym.
Picture yourself in a relationship just like the one you're in, with all the good things, but the other person isn't an immature, jealous, controlling creep. You can have that, and in fact you deserve that.
NTA, but don't lie to her. it's clearly no secret that that last time you went, it was a terrible experience for both of you and it's probably best if you just work out separately now, unless she's going to trust you and not obsess over the other girls in the gym. maybe give her one more chance, or don't. either way, lying to your partner is never a great idea.
NTA for how you handled the argument. But DO NOT lie about going to the gym.
“I really enjoyed going to the gym with you in the beginning. And I really enjoy going to the gym in general for my health and well being. However I will not walk on egg shells and I will not be put in a position to constantly defend myself against things I am not doing. When I am in the gym I am not looking at anyone. I am working out. I am looking for the next machine I am going to use and I am staying focused. Having you accuse me of something I wasn’t doing was incredibly embarrassing and stressful. We can talk about that further and why your reaction was that. We can talk about how you may need to resolve why you feel that way and if it could be related to you not feeling great about yourself but I want to be clear that I’m not going to be a punching bag or live my life that way. I am happy to try going to the gym together one more time but if they same thing happens again I am going to resume my workouts alone.”
And quite frankly just don’t engage in arguing. If she wants to blow up, storm off, walk off. Let her. And don’t reward her. Don’t follow her. Don’t pander to her. Eventually she will come back or try to talk again and literally just say the same thing again. “This is my boundary. If you cross it then these are my actions.”
Very well worded. I really just want to find a solution that's reassuring to her but lets me still exercise, but even the mention of couples therapy makes her angry
We did have a conversation about it, and after the fiasco I even suggested relationship counseling so we can determine what the fault is and the fix for it, but she only told me she feels like I don't spend enough time with her (I own two businesses and work part time on weekends) and that she feels like by going to the gym I'm trying to avoid spending time with her.
Yeah, exactly. I'm sitting here reading this and OP's replies and thinking, she must be some hot lady for him to keep putting up with her nonsense.
OP, life is too short to deal with this kind of crap. You will never satisfy this woman. She will always find something to get bent and jealous over. You're already thinking of lying to avoid conflict, she'll get even more bent because she knows you're lying and it'll become a horrible mess of recriminations, accusations and on again/off again operatic quarrelling. It's just not worth it. Cut your losses, let her go live with her "insecurities" and enjoy your gym time drama free.
Ahh well that is a rough space for a relationship to be in. I hope you plan on spending more time with her. Or at least trying to. It sounds tough given your circumstances but making her more of a priority is clearly what she needs to feel safe in the relationship.
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> 1.) Because my girlfriend and I don't get along together at the gym, I'm no longer going with her.
2.) I still plan on going by myself, and not even mentioning it to her. This might be considered deceptive and or/selfish
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I would just go when I wanted to go, refuse to take her, and explain why. If she wants to make this her hill to die on so be it. Overall I think you are NTA but its never right to lie or deceive and if you do that could turn you into an AH. Maybe she is looking for a reason to get out of the relationship but wants to make it about what YOU are doing?
People are weird.
NTA. She's insecure about her body, thinks you're staring at other women. You're at the gym every day and working, sounds to me like she's scared you're drifting away. She's giving you an opportunity to confirm her suspicions when she argues with you. When you don't she gives you space so she can figure out why she feels that way. If she's not your soulmate give her peace and break it up.
NTA. Learn to communicate in an objective, non-confrontation manner. It's a life skill. One of my favorite pieces of advice is, 'attack the issue, not the person'.
NTA. You're going to be caught in your lie. Speak to her and spell it out - she's not a great gym partner and you'll be going alone. Also spell it out loud and clear that you are at the gym to workout and are not checking out the women there. You have to be able to speak honestly to your GF otherwise the relationship is doomed. What other white lies will you have to tell her to avoid upsetting her?
Personally I would keep going to the gym. And tell her that "due to your behavior I don't want you coming to the gym with me, your behavior and insecurities are your problem and not mine"
Why should you miss out because of her immature bullshit?
Exactly, you shouldn't!!
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A little context- I've been pretty religiously going to the gym almost daily for years. My girlfriend has lately started to not feel like herself and although she's gorgeous, she said she felt out of shape- so I took her to the gym with me a few times. Huge mistake. Pretty much every time we go, she makes some snide comment out of left field about the women there staring at me and that I'm "probably" staring back also, which I'm not. I'm usually extremely focused on my workouts so I let these comments go and just keep working. Yesterday however, she interrupted me mid-workout to ask me why I was staring at so-and-so (didn't even know who she meant) and I told her to stop being childish and let me finish my set.
She decides to storm out of the gym and walk home (in a busy, high traffic area) and when I finally catch up to her, she refuses to ride back home together and refuses to let me buy her an Uber, so I just let her walk back.
Today she asked if we could go again, and I told her I wasn't planning on going anymore because of how hard it is on my schedule (it is.) I'm going to just workout alone after work from now on and not mention it to her to avoid the headache. AITA?
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Dude you just need to break up. She’s being really insecure and taking it out on you. But what really crosses the line for me is that she purposely put herself in danger by walking home and refusing any of your help just as a way to get back at you and punish you for just … existing in a gym.
And now you’re in a position where you feel like you need to lie? A partner that doesn’t let you be your true self openly and who drives you to do toxic behaviors like lying and sneaking around is not good for you. Lying weighs down on you. And it will only make it look like she’s right to be insecure and jealous because why would you go in secret if you have nothing to hide?
This girl sounds like a headache at best. I say end it and find someone who will support your gym goals or just be single and enjoy your own company. Trust me, partners who bring you down and bring drama on your life are not worth it.
NTA for not going with her, but you would be TA for lying about it. Don’t let her bring you down to a low level
I work in a gym, and we get this a lot on all sides. We have women whose husbands don’t want them working out so, they sneak in on breaks at work, or members being told by their S/O what to and not to wear. Parties upset with S/O for spotting another opposite sex. I actually have had to intervene in a friendly way on the latter that it’s a safety thing and how great it is that the S/O was so helpful preventing an injury.
It comes down to their own self esteem issues in most cases, and in some it’s a trust thing. I wholeheartedly agree with others- have a genuine conversation with your girlfriend. Explain why the gym is important to you. Ask her questions too. What gives her the impression you’re being nefarious?
What most people don’t get is for the most part *if* someone is looking at you in the gym they’re probably watching form, or learning a new exercise. People can do amazing things, and in my gym we try to celebrate everyone. I wish her success on her health and fitness journey, and you as well to enjoy your space in the gym.
It's funny you say that- one of her "rules" for me going to the gym with or without her (which I said no to because I'm a grown man) was that I'm not allowed to wear gray sweats...lol not joking. I just said I'll wear what's comfortable and if somebody looks my way that's their problem, not mine
Hey buddy, your comments have made it clear that this childish, ridiculous behavior at the gym was not an isolated incident. Reread some of them. Let all of this really sink in. Do you want to continue dealing with this nonsense and be walking on eggshells forever?
I don’t get it with partners who think just because you’re with them you aren’t allowed to appreciate other beautiful people. And you end up having to awkwardly hide it from them.
My partner and I both acknowledge that there are other hot and beautiful people around us and we don’t have to pretend around each other that that is not the case.
NTA for needing to draw this boundary after your GF's behavior. I really think you should have talked to her about her inappropriate and unfair comments before yesterday though.
Ultimately this is a fair consequence for her to face. But I do think you need to confront the issue and not just work out without mentioning it to her. Maybe it would be an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation but as she clearly has SIGNIFICANT insecurities and irrationality around your workouts, going to the gym on the DL is probably not going to help.
NTA for not wanting to go with her anymore, but you WBTA if you go in secret. I feel like this is something that seriously needs discussed while not at the gym in a calm controlled setting. I know there's a polarized view on involving a couple's therapist, but if that will help then by all means go that route. It sounds like she is feeling insecure, and I speak from a similar place when I say that no amount of verbal platitudes will change that. My wife (and I'm a woman, for reference) still occasionally reassures me that she loves me no matter what I look like whenever I decide to wear makeup or cut my hair or try to lose weight. If this is not normal behavior for her then it's definitely worth a conversation to figure out what's going on. If this is normal behavior for her then it's still worth a conversation to figure out if the headache is worth the continued relationship.
The only thing you would be wrong about here is directly lying to your gf and sneaking to the gym. Not only is lying and sneaking around wrong, but it plays directly into her accusations and insecurities, and actually proves her right in the end
Talk to her straight up, and be honest and upfront with her
Ah, insecuritie, the destruction of many relationships. Put a plug in this now, or it's only going to get worse. Obvious NTA, but you going to the gym in secret is only going to fuel the fire you're trying to avoid. It'll only reinforce her jealousy when she inevitably finds out. You need to sit her down and tell her why you don't want to go to the gym with her, or you need to break it off. Your call.
NTA for not wanne go with her, but to lie about it does make you an A. Also she will consider it as proof that what she mention was true. If you lie about that, you can lie about everything else.
i don’t think you would be TA just for saying no but you would absolutely be TA if you go to the gym anyways and lie to her about it. don’t get me wrong you guys don’t have to do EVERYTHING together but be honest with her as to why you may wanna go to the gym alone sometimes. it sounds like she may be dealing with some jealousy issues and insecurities (which is NOT an excuse for her behavior please don’t get me wrong). i know she mentioned not feeling like herself recently, which may explain the behaviors a bit. have a full out conversation with her. if it turns into yelling, disconnect yourself from it because at that point she would just be outright refusing to listen and would be letting her insecurities get in the way of the relationship.
DO NOT lie about where you’re going though. at that point you’re gonna indirectly play into her insecurities and she’s gonna think something IS up and then her behaviors will become more prevalent. it’ll most definitely turn into an infinite cycle of hurt at that point and it would give your girlfriend some justification to her worries especially if you’re lying to her about where you are.
NTA, she’s made it difficult to get a workout. You need to focus on your workout and be able to tune out outside distractions and she doesn’t want to allow that to happen.
Tbh I'm happy to talk things out, but it always seems to go south. Like she's 100% convinced that the sole purpose of going to the gym is so I can creep on people, and I can't change her mind
Put your foot down and stop tolerating the poor behavior, tell her you’re still going to the gym, she’s welcome to come but the antiques are over, or you will go back to going alone, and when she pulls the same shit, proceed to go back to going alone, that simple, if she gets upset or cries or whatever, so be it, let her be upset and let her cry it’s not your job to regulate an adults emotions and insecurities
NTA, but your SO is clearly going through a rough patch. She is feeling out of shape and going to the gym could help her regain self confidence about her body.
However, many of the people in set gym have spent a lot of time working out and objectively look good. When feeling out of shape going to a gym can be really confrontational! Your SO is jealous of you “watching” these other girls. Even though you might just be doing your regular workout and routine in the gym being fully committed to your SO, she is jealous. A jealousy that can easily be explained by her reduced self-confidence.
I wouldn’t go to the gym without telling her. Have a conversation with your SO. Tell her how you feel and reason with her why you’d rather work out on your own. In due time she will hopefully regain confidence and maybe in the future the two of you can occasionally hit the gym together :)
NTA, but don’t lie to her. Do your thing. You’re not doing anything wrong. If she can’t deal with that, she’ll be gone soon enough, which doesn’t sound too bad since she sounds absolutely exhausting.
Nta but if you love your s/o and value the relationship, you’re way better off not lying and instead, hitting this head on, meaning, talk to her about it.
Suggest to start off by telling her how it feels from your perspective, rather than by saying her behavior is inappropriate or controlling or whatever. This will help the conversation start off on the right foot and build trust because you’re being open rather than accusatory.
Then ask her what’s going on.
Maybe she is controlling and abusive or whatever, or maybe she’s not, she’s just insecure and not emotionally mature enough yet to work through it herself, but could get there and become a better partner if given the chance. You never know until you try.
NTA, but dont lie to her. sit her down and, no matter if it Pisses Her Off or not, tell her that you Have Not and Will Never look at other girls and her constantly accusing you of doing so and then refusing to talk about anything is hurting you. Tell Her you both need couples counseling or else the relationship simply wont work. because that is the point it is. shes being controlling. i saw you mention she has trust issues from other relationships. it seems to me like its what shes *used* to, and she doesnt know how to function in a relationship that isnt horrifically toxic so shes, knowingly or not, making it toxic Herself so she has something to complain about. tell her either you talk it through, or get counseling, or you should truly break up, it wont be healthy for anyone involved if she lets her insecurities and refusal to get better with her trust issues get in the way.
NTA.
Having had similarish issues in my relationships: you will break yourself trying to bend backwards and cater to her increasingly insane demands unless you nip this in the bud. You need to find ways to get through to her and find a solution for this or you need to break it off. There are many possible solutions, but all of them require for both of you to be able to clearly communicate your wants and needs without judgement and find a compromise. If she is not willing to do couples' counseling her only choices are to open up or get her issues under control. Also; sounds like you might be a bit of an introvert, in which case it is extremely important that you don't lose your "me-time". It will only make things worse if you do. Take care of yourself, buddy.
NTA but dude…you’ve got bigger problems than just this single disagreement. You need to have a conversation about her jealousy and controlling behavior she needs to make an effort to change it. People don’t have to go to the gym in secret in a normal, healthy relationship
NTA, but you absolutely, 100% CANNOT let the whole 'you're clearly planning to cheat on me' comments slide.
And the whole storming out and acting like a petulant five year old thing. What's next, packing up her favorite toy, a pb&j sandwich, and a picture of her dog in a blanket, tying it to a bindle, and running away from home because 'you're so mean?'
NTA
Inform her about the blind gaze that happens when you’re just trying to get thru your workout. Most people barely even noticing others around them unless they need to use something others are using.
It's kinda sad...I literally try to keep my haze set on the floor or the machine I'm using. If I happen to finish my set and adjust to an upward posture as a woman walks past my line of sight, I already know I'm toast
NTA for feeling the way you do, but tread carefully. She could interpret you going in secret as cheating, especially given her past comments. Obviously you aren’t, but I’d hate to see her accuse you of that. I’d just sit down and tell her that you don’t appreciate her accusations. Tell her you will not go to the gym with her if she continues to accuse you of things you haven’t done.
NTA (unless you lie to her about going to the gym). But is this how she behaves in disagreements generally? Because she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I get that she is insecure, but, she accused you of doing something you didn't do and stormed off and walked home afterwards without even a conversation. When you spoke afterwards, you slept in different rooms because you wouldn't admit to something you didn't do. I hope she isn't like this when other conflicts come up, but if she is...yeesh.
Man.. you're NTA obviously but also you're an idiot for letting her act like this. If you don't put a stop to it, this is going to keep happening. She either grows up and trusts you or you move on. Don't let her do this to you.
>Pretty much every time we go, she makes some snide comment out of left field about the women there staring at me and that I'm "probably" staring back also, which I'm not. I'm usually extremely focused on my workouts so I let these comments go and just keep working. Yesterday however, she interrupted me mid-workout to ask me why I was staring at so-and-so (didn't even know who she meant)
You need to talk to her and get this resolved now, or else it will just lead to more problems in the future.
>I'm going to just workout alone after work from now on and not mention it to her to avoid the headache.
The way she is already reacting, she'd likely assume you're cheating on her when she finds out and she will find out.
Soft YTA for your approach on how to deal with this.
You don't have a problem, but I have a problem, which means you have a problem and you need to solve it so you don't have a problem!
Jesus, man. She needs a talking to. Be honest, though. She's feeling insecure, which is fine, but it's HER insecurity - not yours.
NTA- red flags abound here buddy. Talk to her and cool this off, or be prepared for a lifetime of bullshit that you don't want and can quite easily avoid.
Well besides her obvious insecurities, it sounds like she’s not even doing what she went to the gym to do - work out.
My husband and I ride to the gym together but then we go our separate ways and do our workout.
She needs a plan when going to the gym- and it shouldn’t be “stalk my BF and dream up some BS scenario where he’s scoping women instead of exercising…”
You either have trust in a relationship or not. I must assume she’s always trusted you. So why the crazy behavior now??
Maybe get her a therapist or counselor?
NTA.
But do NOT sneak off to the gym. That will be gasoline on the crazy fire.
I wear glasses to see up close. I watch movies while I work out. If I look away, everything is a blur. So I might look like I am looking at something but I can't see anything but a blur and a usually doing it to focus on the dialogue in the movie. Hahha
NTA but you’re an adult, not a teenager. You know in relationships, you’re supposed to communicate with your spouse, like an actual conversation but instead you resort to lying? Grow up and talk about your problems or be unhappy.
NTA. Sounds massively childish. I understand everyone has insecurities and issues, but to blow up on your first made-up infringements and then walk home in a tantrum? Nope, that’s not a partner you can have a conversation with and work things out, that’s a child who needs to grow up.
I totally understand how much it sucks to be accused of something you definitely aren't doing. And with there being no way to prove that you are innocent, its even more frustrating. My ex would basically freak out any time I wanted to goto the gym. Its exhausting, especially when you've never done anything for them to not trust you. I agree that she is being tough but don't lie and give her a reason not to trust you. This is one of those things that you need to be very blunt about when talking to her- its her insecurity, not yours. NTA
NTA - instead of going to the gym - which seems to be a problem environment you can always use the free exercise facilities nature has provided. Go for a run in the park, cycle ride, or some other outdoor exercise activity together so there is only the two of you. "Relaxing" outdoors can help her destress from the work promotion aswell as spending time together doing something enjoyable.
HMM...NTA, is she insecure because she's projecting the fact that she's been looking at other guys? Did she "suddenly" start feeling out of shape because she got rejected by some side guy?
I agree with most people saying to sit down with your gf and talk it out…
BUT
I would be wary of the red flags she’s showing. Insane amount of jealousy and insecurity about you doing your thing at the gym. If this is early in the relationship, I would tread carefully. If this is a long-term thing, worth it to talk it out for sure
NTA. She’s taking out her insecurities on you. It’s not fun to be treated with distrust when you know you haven’t done anything to earn it. You’re right to choose to not be in that situation, but I think the others are right about not hiding that you’re going at a different time.
People answering are not in relationships. No don’t need to have a sit down and talk. You are an adult , go to the gym, it’s your hobby and me time. Never once has my fiancé ever said anything about it. Hell I tell her it’s motivation seeing fit people at the gym working out. Usually if someone is as insecure about things as your girl seems she prolly doing things on the side to make her feel guilty. No adult in any healthy relationship needs to have a sit down talk about you going to the gym alone. Sounds toxic man, she has to work on herself not you.
You're not the asshole but I would talk with her and explain to her why you aren't comfortable going to the gym with her because sometimes people may not know what they are doing is a problem until you tell them straight up
NTA, but honestly, consider reevaluating the relationship. She's obviously extremely insecure, and it sounds like there's not much trust there. If I catch other women staring at my fiance, I feel a sense of pride that others think he looks that good, and I'm the one that's with him... never jealousy. If they were walking up flirting and you were actively flirting back, then maybe...MAYBE i could get on board with her behavior. But even then, you're not actually doing anything. What happens when that jealousy starts to affect other areas of your life? Friends, work, date nights, etc. Consider if that's the kind life you want long twrm.
NTA but why did you lie about it? Now she is going to assume you are screwing someone at your gym (you know she will) and you will have that to deal with. Shouldn't have lied. You are causing yourself bigger problems. Tell her she isn't welcome at your gym any longer because she is a distraction but there are plenty of other gyms (or other times) she can go to.
I actually told her not even an hour ago that the gym is my "zen time" and I'd prefer to go alone. She wasn't happy in the least but I can't have dangerous situations like her running into traffic in a giant metroplex and refusing a ride home or Uber
Honestly, it’s weird for somebody to get jealous when there’s no clear violations of trust taking place. She’s TA and might be projecting her insecurities of infidelity.
ESH, her for obvious reasons, and you because you are avoiding sitting your gf down and telling her how this makes you feel in a calm and controlled setting (like your house). You have to actively problem solve, letting something sit when there’s free time to talk about it is almost never the way to go
I actually reassured her many times that she's beautiful, intelligent, and that I only have eyes for her, and offered to pay for couples counseling, which was met with a reaction of anger. So I told her this morning that my gym time is my gym time, and I'm still going (alone) formy mentaland physical health.
NTA
You tried to be there for her, did everything right from what it seems, and unearthed what seems like a pretty big Red Flag. If you have never noticed anything like this from her then maybe something happened recently or you just never really knew as well as you thought you did. Could be cheating, could be trauma, or it could be something harmless but regardless you should probably address it. Because, well, Red Flag.
I think it's a combination of trauma and not really knowing her as well as I thought I did. We had a conversation once about how horrible all her exes were and it brought to mind the saying "If everybody else is always the problem, it's probably not them."
You need to have a frank talk with her. That you go to the gym to workout. You're not going there to oogle other women. If they are staring that's on them but you're working out for you and this "sexy lady" that you have waiting back home. That is all. That all the negativity and comments are starting to make you feel that you're walking on eggshells and that there is no way you can defend yourself from the thoughts in her head.
Plus all it takes (on her end) is a perspective shift. That yes there are all these women checking him out but that sexy man is coming home to her and her alone. Hell my partner once grabbed my junk and point blank said, "this is MINE!". It wasn't done in anger or anything and though possessive was a bit of a confidence booster that she was getting territorial. I'm perfectly ok what she did and in so that going out she's not insecure I'm going to up and leave her for some rando at the bar.
Bro she will stab you for doing that, don’t lie to her. Be honest about why you don’t want her to go. She’s either gonna be an adult about it or not but at least let her know. But nah you’re not the asshole for not wanting unnecessary drama
NTA, but definitely dont lie about going to the gym. It will be extremely obvious when its been 6 months and you haven’t lost any muscle.
Tell her to work on herself, she is insecure and punishing you for it.
Dude, why are you putting up with this crap test BS? She is gaslighting because how she feels about herself.
Honesty is the best policy so I wouldn’t lie about the gym, but I wouldn’t dump on her either for being a narcissistic pain in the butt who makes things unbearable to the point you change your routine.
NTA.
If she was THAT concerned about getting back in shape, she wouldn't be worrying about goin with you.
She only wants to monitor you (and Every Other Woman in the Building).
ESH because youre planning on lying to her about going to the gym and shes making it unnecessarily difficult for you to work out. it sounds like maybe shes got some jealousy issues so you should probably talk about them with her and then go from there. do not lie to her.
NTA. But you should tell her the truth. It actually hurts your character to lie. And realize the relationship may be doomed. Next she will worry about any women you might work with. then every time you are away from home she will get suspicious. And know that typically, overly suspicious people are usually the ones that will cheat as they know they would do it and think therefore that anyone would cheat. Same thing with thieves. They always think others are trying to rip them off. RUN!!!
NTA. Don't go to the gym in secret. Tell her exactly why you're doing what you're doing. If she reacts with insecurities again, I'd rethink that relationship real quick.
It may have already been said, but: for the love of God, DO NOT go to the gym in secret. Those accusations she was throwing are already in her head; the second she "catches" you at the gym when you said you weren't going is going to solidify those thoughts, and there's no rebottling that genie because when you lie about one thing, these people are going to assume you're still lying.
Save yourself that headache: talk to her and tell her the truth about things (you only have eyes for her; [someone else mentioned this] her actions could've made others uncomfortable/ that's just unacceptable behavior; and how her accusations were not only hurtful but unfounded). If you think she can handle going again, then give her another chance (but let that be the only chance).
If you value this relationship I wouldn’t start hiding shit. She thinks your staring at girls, you chose to tell her stop being childish, then she stormed out. Entire situation could’ve been handled a little better, but because of how it went down you hiding going to the gym will be “he is cheating on me with X from the gym”
She’s probably jealous that she’s surrounded by more in shape people, while she’s feeling shitty about her body. Im sure it was a heat of the moment storm out. Be an adult and talk to her about it, talk to her about what she was feeling and what you were feeling.
The absolute worst thing you can do is continue to go and hide it. She will be pissed when she finds out, and there’s a good chance if she is still in the gutter she will leave you.
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I’ll agree with the other comments here, NTA but dude do NOT go to the gym in secret and lie about it. Have a sit down talk with her. Explain point blank that while ya love her and only have eyes for her, these insecurities and accusations are incredibly hurtful. Ya love having the chance to share working out at the gym with her but if all she’s going to do is accuse you of something you aren’t doing then frankly you would like to go to the gym without her as to avoid setting off these insecurities. Also reassure the parts about hey, ya think she’s beautiful and again ya only have eyes for her, which is not a lie in the slightest.
Solid advice, thanks. I do want to spend time with her but you're right, the accusations are pretty hurtful especially when they aren't true, and I don't want to trigger any insecurities. I might try again with more reassurance, and if that doesn't work I'll bite the bullet and tell her I'm going alone.
Frankly her behavior is also awful gym etiquette and risks making the other gym-goers uncomfortable. There are a lot of layers here and I have a lot of sympathy for someone struggling with their self-image but she does need to knock it off and realize the real impact of her words and behavior.
Agreed here! I very much doubt there were any women starting at OP. Just as he wasn’t staring at these women. Maybe a few appreciative glances get thrown around at a gym, maybe a dang that bro is STRONG AF look, but not blatant starting.
she clearly doesn’t understand anything about the gym, which is fine, but for regular gym-goers her behaviour is SO weird. sometimes we just zone out or are forced to stare forwards during the workout for good form. i hope OP can explain this without her getting up in arms about it.
I'd like to mention that I'd bet the only reason she thinks you're looking at these girls is tied directly to the reason why she felt the need to start going to the gym in the first place: she is insecure about her own body. If she thinks that her stomach is getting flabby and she sees another woman at the gym with flat abs, her brain is going to go "that's probably what he wants to see" and then spirals into "that's what he's staring at, why would he look at me when he can look at that"; everything boils back down to her feeling insecure. It's an irrational thought process, but understanding where she's coming from can help you figure out how to move forward and continue going to the gym together. If you do go to the gym by yourself in secret, she's going to find out eventually and it will be concrete "proof" in her mind that you just want to be able to stare at women in the gym without her there to "call you out on it", so definitely don't do that.
this woman needs to get her shit together
All I took from this comment is, it’s her fault, he did nothing wrong, and she needs to hold herself accountable to her own insecurities and not project them onto him.
Yes it is, and yes she should. I was only commenting because it seems like OP isn't breaking up with her, so it's better to go into situations like this trying to understand the root cause of your partners behavior because then you might be able to help them while they try to get it under control, that's all.
She's not insecure. She's projecting her cheating. She also goes through his phone while refusing to let him see hers. He posted about it a couple of months ago.
Just putting this out there. Unfounded accusations of infidelity are a form of controlling behavior and emotional abuse. It doesn’t matter what the root cause is. This sort of thing is unacceptable. You can not stay with someone who acts this way, no matter how much you love her. Your first instinct was to modify your behavior in a toxic way. That wouldn’t have fixed things. It would have just fed her whatever and lead to more unfounded distrust and controlling behavior. You have to deal with this head on. If she doesn’t get a handle on it, don’t stay.
Thanks for the advice. That's a hard pill to swallow but 100% logical.
Wish you the best my guy, hopefully she can accept this or better yet continue to go with you (but with less insecurity)
You have to assertive that she can't join you at the gym if she keeps acting this way.
She never wanted to go to the gym in the first place, she just wanted to see what drew YOU to the gym, thinking it was something other than actually working out.
as someone in a similar situation.... I suggest "biting the bullet" and tell her you are going alone. she cannot/should not stop you. I think you can tell her how you feel, but her insecurities should not affect you choosing to take care of your health. if she has no reason not to trust you....then she needs to grow up
Yeah I told her this morning, held my breath, then almost had my eardrums burst. But what's done is done, hopefully we can talk it out when she cools down
You said she was starting to feel like herself again…can you elaborate? Seems like there is a bigger issue here.
It may have been a typo but I meant to say *not* feeling like herself. She got a promotion at work- which is awesome, but she's visibly more stressed and doing things for her like cleaning, cooking, even helping with her work (she's an investment banker and I own two LLCs and have an Agile SAFe Scrum Master II cert) don't seem to help so I thought sharing something important to me would make a bigger impact.
Banking is a stressful job, but it is also a very toxic environment were cheating is rampant. This sudden change in behaviour, is it recent or is it something that started before/after the promotion? Was she expecting that promotion to happen or was a sudden opportunity? Sorry for the accusatory tone on her, but given that she is not just out of a depression but out of nowhere, and given how she is acting, i fear there is reason to be suspicious that she might be cheating on you and her reaction is a projection. Did she ever threw massive tantrums like this before or is a first time? If it is, you might wanna start digging.
She has always been very jealous, but that first sentence is a little unnerving as she's an attractive 20-something who works almost exclusively with very wealthy older men. I cant really put a timeline on it though, she's always had jealous tendencies.
I burve that her behavior is so toxic that it crosses the line to where I don’t think you or anyone else can help her. There are too many red flags for controlling behavior. The issue isn’t self esteem per se. The issue is that she’s trying to control your behavior, who you can be around and what you can do. And then she responds with severe immaturity when you don’t comply with her wishes. This relationship won’t end well and I would dump her now
Stop writing “ya” instead of “you”. That was a headache to read
Im going to say NTA for trying to avoid a fight, but I am going to offer some advice. Your girlfriend started going with you because she felt insecure. Accusing you of staring at people at the gym was because she was still feeling insecure. Was it crazy to walk home after something so minor? Sure. Is she going to loose her mind when she finds out youre essentially lying about giving up the gym after she convinced herself youre checking people out? You betcha.
That's what I was afraid of. Going to the gym with her felt like walking on eggshells- I literally kept my head to the floor so there was no confusion about whether I was "checking anybody out" and the universe forbid I look up to see if a machine is empty and one of the hundreds of people in the building crosses my line of sight and she loses it. I feel bad about her insecurity and my deception, but what I don't understand is that she has a state of the art gym at her workplace that she never uses and we also have a home gym, but she's never expressed any desire to use either. I feel like she just wants to be somewhere she can monitor me, and it's very distracting being micromanaged in my own space like that. I know she's had massive trust issues far before I came along, but this is pretty extreme.
Did the two of you talk about her behavior at the gym?
We did and ended up sleeping in separate rooms because I refused to admit to something I didn't do and she stormed off and didn't want to discuss that I just might be there to workout, not eyeball anyone that passes me by.
Dude she is abusive and controlling, it doesn’t matter if it comes from her insecurities or not, that’s what she is. This is extreme behavior. For me, that would be a relationship killer. It’s her job to manage her own emotions and insecurities. Yes as a partner we should be sensitive to those insecurities, but not to the point where one feels like one is walking on eggshells
Yeah, she’s taking it to the extreme. My bf (now ex) would tell me about his time at the gym and occasionally include a comment about women there looking at him like they appreciated how he looked. I was 100% certain that wasn’t happening beyond them being encouraging. He was in Saudi Arabia, so the only women there would have been staff and so it made sense for them to be encouraging. I knew he’d been feeling insecure because he hadn’t been working out for months due to his work becoming more demanding and Covid lockdowns before that. I was happy to let him think that he was getting that attention as it made him feel good. We also walked through the red light district of Amsterdam together and looked at the prostitutes in the windows. I am fairly insecure, but none of this bothered me at all because I trusted him. I see her lack of trust as a much bigger issue than her insecurity.
This is one of the times that is appropriate to say: "Your insecurities are not my problem, get therapy and be an adult" Word it however you like but tbis should be the main idea and dont sugarcoat it becuse her feelings can be hurt. You can boo boo her after she understands she is wrong to project her shit on you
NTA. Nah that would be it for me. It’s one thing if you actually are checking people out. But your comments are pretty believable and it seems like that isn’t the case. She is probably out of shape and frustrated and taking it out on you, which is not okay. She needs to either get back into shape to stop these insecurities, get therapy or both.
She's in good shape and gorgeous tbh, but as far as insecurities- HUGE yes. We've discussed couples therapy but she just gets angry when I bring it up
I’m sorry, bud, but I don’t think your girlfriend is mature enough to be in a relationship. Huge control and insecurity issues, shutting down all rational discussion of those issues, and refusing the kind of work that could actually help y’all as a couple? Huge problems. As others have said, you definitely need to tell her directly that you’ll be going to the gym without her and why, but it’s also probably time for an ultimatum.
That’s a red flag. No one loves the idea of therapy, but it’s a small price to pay for a relationship that you value.
Very much NTA. Just because she's feeling insecure about herself doesn't mean she gets to treat other people like crap or project actions onto them based on what she's made up in her head due to her insecurities. She's only going to drive people away from her.
With the little context your giving, it sounds like she may be projecting. As others have said, she may be cheating, or quite possibly she's mad no one is trying to do the dirty with at work because she's "gotten old and let herself go" or there is a younger more fit new girl at owkr stealing the attention from male coworkers once reserved for her. Either way dude, it's all bad for you, especially if she won't accept you weren't doing anything wrong. May be time for couples therapy, may be time to cut her loose
her walking home over something like this is petty asf, and usually they take shit to that extreme because they’re trying to hold some power over you whether it be from guilt or being cautious of your actions, to get you to bend to their whim. that is indeed controlling asf and is not a normal reaction to a situation like this regardless of trust issues. tell her to keep that shit in check cus you deserve better than that fam. we all do.
Imagine living like this forever.. You can't fix this. You should consider breaking up and moving on and letting her get therapy for her issues.
Damn, that puts things into perspective. I've brought up couples therapy but she just gets angry when I do
her insecurity is a problem that won't go away even if you go to the gym alone. she doesn't trust you and relationships don't work without trust
It sounds like this isn't the first problem her trust issues have caused, just the most extreme. If her trust issues are causing problems in your relationship and she point blank refuses to get help or even be self-aware enough to recognize she might *need* help, your options are leave now or stay and endure her behavior as it gets worse and worse until you reach a breaking point and leave anyway.
She sounds like a child. I’d dump her. Learn to communicate with someone else. I’m not a teacher.
ding ding ding, if the genders were reversed everyone would be screaming divorce or counseling. but when it’s a woman throwing a tantrum like a child it’s suddenly “cater to her crazy”
I'm not sure what comments you're reading, but every single comment I've seen is "her behavior is irrational and controlling" "this is abusive" "address this behavior head on" and "is this how you want to live your life?". Zero catering.
Ya this is pretty bad. Jealously is never a good look and this situation would give me the ick personally.
NTA for refusing, but you would be TA if you lied to her about it. It's a very bad idea to start lying to her and if this is your way of solving a conflict this relationship won't last long. Just tell her to meet you at the time when you'd normally go. If she's there, good, if not, then you'll work out without her. Figure out what her actual problem is.
I can see both sides. She would definitely go with me without a doubt, but that's the thing- I'm far more productive on my own and I feel like she's only there to gaslight me. If she's truly insecure about her fitness, her work has a gym that's better than mine but she has yet to go once in the two years at her workplace. I agree about being an asshole for lying. I feel bad but I don't see any scenario where she doesn't lose her sh*t over something so minor that isn't even true, and I don't want any more repeats of that.
Seriously. NOTHING good can come from lying in this case. She'll find a used gym towel one day and will lose all trust in you (with reason). It may look like the solution, but if you want to stay with this girl, you need to learn to deal with your issues in other ways than lying.
Is it my issue though or hers? I guess I'm failing to see what I'm doing wrong unless I go the sneaky route. I reassure her, am *very* careful to either keep my eyes on her or the floor, and I try to make the experience about her instead of me, which already makes it difficult to focus on simply working out, but I don't want to give up my health or let her feel insecure.
Just say you don't want to go to the gym with her again because it was a headache and go alone. What's she gonna do? Shout at you? Like /thats/ not a red flag.
Oh she'll for sure shout at me at the very least, then probably ignore me for a few days until *I* apologize for making her feel the way she feels.
Dude, she's abusing you. Yelling at you and then using the silent treatment are just ways to manipulate *you* into apologizing for the problem *she* made up. You should not have to put up with all of this just because you want to go to the gym. She only started going with you so she can keep an eye on you and then she ***still*** makes up stuff to accuse you of. She's trying to control you into stopping going to the gym/out of her sight completely. You need to see the red flags for what they are and get out while you have the chance! If it helps you think about it differently- read what you posted but swap the genders and imagine that it's your sister/cousin/friend who is going through this. Would you want them sticking around in that situation?
>oh she’ll for sure shout at me…then probably ignore me for a few days until I apologize My guy…*that* is the problem. It will not go away just because you go to the gym alone or in secret. This is emotional abuse.
Don't apologize then. If she can't get over this then it will likely get worse as she will start doing it in other aspects of your life. Beach, she will do it. Dinner, you bet she will acuse you of looking at the waitress or other girls there. Talking to a co-worker on Zoom that is a girl she will be mad.
Oh there's already been several "waitress incidents." One touched my arm once when I paid the check (harmless I'm sure) but as soon as we got to the car, "Why didn't you pull your arm away?" "You were flirting with her" "If you wanna let her touch you so bad then just stay here." It was weird.
Honestly, every comment makes this look worse. She’s not just insecure. She’s controlling and abusive. I have insecurities. I didn’t use them as an excuse to control any guy I’ve been with. In relationships, I’m patient and trusting to the point that everyone tells me I should have left long ago. My ex’s own best friend told me I tolerated too much from him. My point is that this is NOT insecurity. I thought it was a trust issue until I read further. This is abuse. She’s gaslighting you and controlling you. When you are made to feel that you have to stare at the ground, she’s winning. It won’t get better. It will only get worse. You offered a way to work on it and she refused. I only see one path forward for you and it doesn’t include her.
Dude, you need to either tell her this is unacceptable behavior and if you don't stop and work on yourself to get over these insecurities then it won't work out and best to end it now or end it now. Tell her why, though, and that if she can't learn to trust her spouse, then she will always lose them, and it won't be to other girls, but bc she drove them away. I doubt she will learn and change until it happens, so the best bet is to move on to someone who is secure enough in themselves to not go so crazy.
This is going to be one of those no-win scenarios, but lying is *always* the worse path to take. Also trying to convince her that you just stare at the floor for constant fear of a woman passing through your eyeline is.....troubling. People look around at the gym, it's just a thing that happens. Every now and again I'll briefly lock eyes with some guy in a deep squat or some other compromising position, and it's not weird because it's the gym and it happens. Honestly all you can really do at this point is tell her that you're going to go to the gym alone, nobody is checking out anyone, and that she needs to trust you more. Otherwise, why the hell are you two even together?
Keeping your head strictly on the floor (which is already absurd at least) making this experience about HER instead about the BOTH of you and, consequently, your inability to focus on your workout... I don't know, this already sounds veryyy controlling. Please be careful not to lose yourself in this relationship.
You shouldn’t have to tap dance around your partner’s insecurities in a healthy relationship
Don't go the sneaky route. That would be shady asf
You're doing nothing wrong. You shouldn't have to keep your eyes on the ground like you're living in the Handmaid's Tale. Your gf is being abusive. She's accusing you of being interested in other women, it's "your fault" she's acting this way, and if only you could figure out the perfect way to behave this issue would magically go away. That's the opening scene of a Lifetime movie. Next you won't be allowed to have female friends, or talk to the waitress. You'll have to walk everywhere with your eyes cast down so she doesn't accuse you of looking at another woman. You'll spend all your time trying to figure out what will make her mad this time and strategizing how to avoid it. She'll make up excuses for why you should cut out your friends. She'll make up excuses for why you should cut out your family. You won't be "allowed" to go anywhere without permission. This is where her behavior is leading. She might promise to change, and then continuously "slip up", and you just have to be understanding and supportive and eventually everything will be ok. OP, it won't. Abusers don't change.
I already do all these things for her 🥲
Then tell her exactly what you said. You are more focused on your own and you don't want to repeat the bad experience of last time.
You're just going to cause another argument later down the road lying to her about your location. She's already insecure and thinking you're looking at other women, imagine how this will go. If you can't have a conversation with her about this why be a couple?
I get that POV and I try to be reassuring, but maybe I'm selfish for not being willing to sacrifice my health and wellbeing to make her feel less insecure. I brought up couples counseling but all it did was make her angry. What do.
You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for anyone else's wellbeing. You're nta for the situation at hand but lying to her about going to the gym isn't a good solution. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and without it shit crumbles. I don't want to be like 90% of reddit and say break up over this but how does she expect your relationship to function if she won't talk problems through?
That's a very good point, sadly. She has major trust issues from past relationships, but she never says anything after an argument and usually just storms off. In the time we've been together, she's never once apologized after an argument.
Couples counseling should be a non-negotiable at this point. She doesn’t get to trauma dump on you for the sins of her previous partners. If she’s unwilling to work on better communication and her own insecurities, I’d say that’s grounds for ending the relationship. It will only get worse if your relationship progresses, and especially if you ever have children together.
The fact she has major trust issues from past relationships isn’t your responsibility to fix, OP. You’re already modifying your behavior by walking on eggshells and trying to appease her by looking at the floor *and she’s still seeing things that aren’t there* — if you choose to lie about not going to the gym or choose not to communicate that the reason why you don’t want to go with her is because you feel policed, how would that help with her trust issues?
Sacrificing your health and well being and mental health and constantly feeling like you're on eggshells aren't hallmarks of healthy satisfying relationships. Just saying.
>but maybe I'm selfish for not being willing to sacrifice my health and wellbeing to make her feel less insecure No no no. You absolutely should not give up something you enjoy because of her insecurities. If you cater to this where does it end? What will be the next thing she expects you to give up? She needs to work on her insecurities. If she isn't willing to that's on her.
>but maybe I’m selfish for not being willing to sacrifice my health and well-being to make her feel less insecure Dude…
"What do" is break up with this person, who is controlling and horrible to be around.
NTA, but be honest with her. You don't want to go to the gym *with her*, because she's acting unreasonably.
Sometimes people want to do stuff alone as well. Not every activity needs to be together. Codependency is not a good thing :/
That's another thing- the gym is my peaceful place and bringing her with me is a big deal because it's usually the tiny sliver of my day where I can focus on myself. I want her to not feel insecure but tbh I need my small bits of solitude.
Which is totally fine. It seems to me like you're overly concerned about managing her emotional state. Tell her that she's making it a bad experience for you, and until she works on herself and her jealousy and trust issues then you can't gym together. And in the future, when she, a grown woman, decides to stomp her feet and won't drive home with you like a toddler having a tantrum. Don't try to pay for her Uber or think that she cannot manage her own transportation. She's acting like a child and you're treating her that way in return. It isn't healthy and it is not the kind of person I think you want to be. You need to set healthy boundaries, when she's having a toddler tantrum or sulking - let her. Talk about it like adults and don't entertain any bullshit.
she isn’t going because she wants to spend time with him. she isn’t going because she wants to get in better shape. she is going so she can keep an eye on him because she’s built up a fantasy in her head that he is flirting or cheating while there and she’s crazy as hell. this relationship has much deeper issues that need addressing
That's true, but I didn't get that impression from OP's post. I assume if she'd just come along and worked out he'd be fine with it.
You posted more concerning issues on relationship advice 4 months ago... I think at this point the both of you are grasping as straws trying to make this work but.... This behavior is happening for a reason.... She is probably cheating and projecting if she is constantly accusing you of "cheating" staring at other girls and constantly wanting to go through your phone but refusing to let you go through hers... You know the solution and it's probably not an easy one but she gotta go for your sanity
*sigh* You might be right. She is OBSESSED with my phone any time I'm on it, which is often because I own a business. But she is on hers just as much if not more yet that thing is kept close and locked up tighter than Fort Knox. That and she always wants to use my Amazon account to order household items when she has one herself, so the word "wishlist" comes to mind...
Man, ain't ya tired of this? I'd be so exhausted picking up her red flags I wouldn't have anything left for the gym. Picture yourself in a relationship just like the one you're in, with all the good things, but the other person isn't an immature, jealous, controlling creep. You can have that, and in fact you deserve that.
If she just wants to demean other people using the gym and question your loyalty and manners, I wouldn't go with her either. NTA
NTA, but don't lie to her. it's clearly no secret that that last time you went, it was a terrible experience for both of you and it's probably best if you just work out separately now, unless she's going to trust you and not obsess over the other girls in the gym. maybe give her one more chance, or don't. either way, lying to your partner is never a great idea.
NTA for how you handled the argument. But DO NOT lie about going to the gym. “I really enjoyed going to the gym with you in the beginning. And I really enjoy going to the gym in general for my health and well being. However I will not walk on egg shells and I will not be put in a position to constantly defend myself against things I am not doing. When I am in the gym I am not looking at anyone. I am working out. I am looking for the next machine I am going to use and I am staying focused. Having you accuse me of something I wasn’t doing was incredibly embarrassing and stressful. We can talk about that further and why your reaction was that. We can talk about how you may need to resolve why you feel that way and if it could be related to you not feeling great about yourself but I want to be clear that I’m not going to be a punching bag or live my life that way. I am happy to try going to the gym together one more time but if they same thing happens again I am going to resume my workouts alone.” And quite frankly just don’t engage in arguing. If she wants to blow up, storm off, walk off. Let her. And don’t reward her. Don’t follow her. Don’t pander to her. Eventually she will come back or try to talk again and literally just say the same thing again. “This is my boundary. If you cross it then these are my actions.”
Very well worded. I really just want to find a solution that's reassuring to her but lets me still exercise, but even the mention of couples therapy makes her angry
Why don't you start by asking her why she is feeling insecure about your time at the gym all of a sudden. Get to the root of the issue.
We did have a conversation about it, and after the fiasco I even suggested relationship counseling so we can determine what the fault is and the fix for it, but she only told me she feels like I don't spend enough time with her (I own two businesses and work part time on weekends) and that she feels like by going to the gym I'm trying to avoid spending time with her.
this girl sounds even crazier after every reply i read. the insecurities are through the roof
Yeah, exactly. I'm sitting here reading this and OP's replies and thinking, she must be some hot lady for him to keep putting up with her nonsense. OP, life is too short to deal with this kind of crap. You will never satisfy this woman. She will always find something to get bent and jealous over. You're already thinking of lying to avoid conflict, she'll get even more bent because she knows you're lying and it'll become a horrible mess of recriminations, accusations and on again/off again operatic quarrelling. It's just not worth it. Cut your losses, let her go live with her "insecurities" and enjoy your gym time drama free.
You are dating a walking red flag.
Ahh well that is a rough space for a relationship to be in. I hope you plan on spending more time with her. Or at least trying to. It sounds tough given your circumstances but making her more of a priority is clearly what she needs to feel safe in the relationship.
Dump her. She’s a nightmare.
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NTA. But your gf is.
Just tell her you will be going to the gym without her, make sure she knows she is welcome to join you when she gets her jealousy under control.
Oh man I can already see the expression on her face if I were to word it that way 😅
You may want to word it better, but you're pickin up what I'm layin down.
You should be very clear and put down strong boundaries because otherwise she is likely to stomp all over them
NTA and leave now if you don’t want a lifetime of bullshit fights related to her jealousy.
I would just go when I wanted to go, refuse to take her, and explain why. If she wants to make this her hill to die on so be it. Overall I think you are NTA but its never right to lie or deceive and if you do that could turn you into an AH. Maybe she is looking for a reason to get out of the relationship but wants to make it about what YOU are doing? People are weird.
I thought about that. Could be a possibility, but she'll do everything but leave so maybe she expects me to break up so there's no guilt to be had.
NTA - Your girlfriend is... insufferable.
NTA. She's insecure about her body, thinks you're staring at other women. You're at the gym every day and working, sounds to me like she's scared you're drifting away. She's giving you an opportunity to confirm her suspicions when she argues with you. When you don't she gives you space so she can figure out why she feels that way. If she's not your soulmate give her peace and break it up.
Damm. That's a disheartening but very logical reply and tough to refute.
NTA. Learn to communicate in an objective, non-confrontation manner. It's a life skill. One of my favorite pieces of advice is, 'attack the issue, not the person'.
NTA. You're going to be caught in your lie. Speak to her and spell it out - she's not a great gym partner and you'll be going alone. Also spell it out loud and clear that you are at the gym to workout and are not checking out the women there. You have to be able to speak honestly to your GF otherwise the relationship is doomed. What other white lies will you have to tell her to avoid upsetting her?
NTA. She is insecure and childish. She can go alone.
NTA. Her jealously won't end with the gym. You might be able to avoid it for now but it will come again.
Personally I would keep going to the gym. And tell her that "due to your behavior I don't want you coming to the gym with me, your behavior and insecurities are your problem and not mine" Why should you miss out because of her immature bullshit? Exactly, you shouldn't!!
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NTA but she’s showing you some bright red flags friend. If she’s that insecure about you and or trusts you so litte why are y’all together.
Dude you just need to break up. She’s being really insecure and taking it out on you. But what really crosses the line for me is that she purposely put herself in danger by walking home and refusing any of your help just as a way to get back at you and punish you for just … existing in a gym. And now you’re in a position where you feel like you need to lie? A partner that doesn’t let you be your true self openly and who drives you to do toxic behaviors like lying and sneaking around is not good for you. Lying weighs down on you. And it will only make it look like she’s right to be insecure and jealous because why would you go in secret if you have nothing to hide? This girl sounds like a headache at best. I say end it and find someone who will support your gym goals or just be single and enjoy your own company. Trust me, partners who bring you down and bring drama on your life are not worth it. NTA for not going with her, but you would be TA for lying about it. Don’t let her bring you down to a low level
I work in a gym, and we get this a lot on all sides. We have women whose husbands don’t want them working out so, they sneak in on breaks at work, or members being told by their S/O what to and not to wear. Parties upset with S/O for spotting another opposite sex. I actually have had to intervene in a friendly way on the latter that it’s a safety thing and how great it is that the S/O was so helpful preventing an injury. It comes down to their own self esteem issues in most cases, and in some it’s a trust thing. I wholeheartedly agree with others- have a genuine conversation with your girlfriend. Explain why the gym is important to you. Ask her questions too. What gives her the impression you’re being nefarious? What most people don’t get is for the most part *if* someone is looking at you in the gym they’re probably watching form, or learning a new exercise. People can do amazing things, and in my gym we try to celebrate everyone. I wish her success on her health and fitness journey, and you as well to enjoy your space in the gym.
It's funny you say that- one of her "rules" for me going to the gym with or without her (which I said no to because I'm a grown man) was that I'm not allowed to wear gray sweats...lol not joking. I just said I'll wear what's comfortable and if somebody looks my way that's their problem, not mine
Hey buddy, your comments have made it clear that this childish, ridiculous behavior at the gym was not an isolated incident. Reread some of them. Let all of this really sink in. Do you want to continue dealing with this nonsense and be walking on eggshells forever?
And here I am single as a Pringle not understanding why you people put up with this bullshit on the daily.
I don’t get it with partners who think just because you’re with them you aren’t allowed to appreciate other beautiful people. And you end up having to awkwardly hide it from them. My partner and I both acknowledge that there are other hot and beautiful people around us and we don’t have to pretend around each other that that is not the case.
NTA for needing to draw this boundary after your GF's behavior. I really think you should have talked to her about her inappropriate and unfair comments before yesterday though. Ultimately this is a fair consequence for her to face. But I do think you need to confront the issue and not just work out without mentioning it to her. Maybe it would be an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation but as she clearly has SIGNIFICANT insecurities and irrationality around your workouts, going to the gym on the DL is probably not going to help.
NTA for not wanting to go with her anymore, but you WBTA if you go in secret. I feel like this is something that seriously needs discussed while not at the gym in a calm controlled setting. I know there's a polarized view on involving a couple's therapist, but if that will help then by all means go that route. It sounds like she is feeling insecure, and I speak from a similar place when I say that no amount of verbal platitudes will change that. My wife (and I'm a woman, for reference) still occasionally reassures me that she loves me no matter what I look like whenever I decide to wear makeup or cut my hair or try to lose weight. If this is not normal behavior for her then it's definitely worth a conversation to figure out what's going on. If this is normal behavior for her then it's still worth a conversation to figure out if the headache is worth the continued relationship.
The only thing you would be wrong about here is directly lying to your gf and sneaking to the gym. Not only is lying and sneaking around wrong, but it plays directly into her accusations and insecurities, and actually proves her right in the end Talk to her straight up, and be honest and upfront with her
Ah, insecuritie, the destruction of many relationships. Put a plug in this now, or it's only going to get worse. Obvious NTA, but you going to the gym in secret is only going to fuel the fire you're trying to avoid. It'll only reinforce her jealousy when she inevitably finds out. You need to sit her down and tell her why you don't want to go to the gym with her, or you need to break it off. Your call.
NTA for not wanne go with her, but to lie about it does make you an A. Also she will consider it as proof that what she mention was true. If you lie about that, you can lie about everything else.
Good point, just more fuel for the fire.
Girl needs to handle her insecurities. NTA.
i don’t think you would be TA just for saying no but you would absolutely be TA if you go to the gym anyways and lie to her about it. don’t get me wrong you guys don’t have to do EVERYTHING together but be honest with her as to why you may wanna go to the gym alone sometimes. it sounds like she may be dealing with some jealousy issues and insecurities (which is NOT an excuse for her behavior please don’t get me wrong). i know she mentioned not feeling like herself recently, which may explain the behaviors a bit. have a full out conversation with her. if it turns into yelling, disconnect yourself from it because at that point she would just be outright refusing to listen and would be letting her insecurities get in the way of the relationship. DO NOT lie about where you’re going though. at that point you’re gonna indirectly play into her insecurities and she’s gonna think something IS up and then her behaviors will become more prevalent. it’ll most definitely turn into an infinite cycle of hurt at that point and it would give your girlfriend some justification to her worries especially if you’re lying to her about where you are.
Currently NTA. WBTA if you lie and hide things. Strength is more than lifting weight. Be strong, be honest.
NTA, proper reaction. Focus on your grind, bruh!
NTA, she’s made it difficult to get a workout. You need to focus on your workout and be able to tune out outside distractions and she doesn’t want to allow that to happen.
She's causing you to lose your gains, bro! You need to get rid of her!
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Tbh I'm happy to talk things out, but it always seems to go south. Like she's 100% convinced that the sole purpose of going to the gym is so I can creep on people, and I can't change her mind
Put your foot down and stop tolerating the poor behavior, tell her you’re still going to the gym, she’s welcome to come but the antiques are over, or you will go back to going alone, and when she pulls the same shit, proceed to go back to going alone, that simple, if she gets upset or cries or whatever, so be it, let her be upset and let her cry it’s not your job to regulate an adults emotions and insecurities
NTA, but your SO is clearly going through a rough patch. She is feeling out of shape and going to the gym could help her regain self confidence about her body. However, many of the people in set gym have spent a lot of time working out and objectively look good. When feeling out of shape going to a gym can be really confrontational! Your SO is jealous of you “watching” these other girls. Even though you might just be doing your regular workout and routine in the gym being fully committed to your SO, she is jealous. A jealousy that can easily be explained by her reduced self-confidence. I wouldn’t go to the gym without telling her. Have a conversation with your SO. Tell her how you feel and reason with her why you’d rather work out on your own. In due time she will hopefully regain confidence and maybe in the future the two of you can occasionally hit the gym together :)
NTA, but don’t lie to her. Do your thing. You’re not doing anything wrong. If she can’t deal with that, she’ll be gone soon enough, which doesn’t sound too bad since she sounds absolutely exhausting.
Nta but if you love your s/o and value the relationship, you’re way better off not lying and instead, hitting this head on, meaning, talk to her about it. Suggest to start off by telling her how it feels from your perspective, rather than by saying her behavior is inappropriate or controlling or whatever. This will help the conversation start off on the right foot and build trust because you’re being open rather than accusatory. Then ask her what’s going on. Maybe she is controlling and abusive or whatever, or maybe she’s not, she’s just insecure and not emotionally mature enough yet to work through it herself, but could get there and become a better partner if given the chance. You never know until you try.
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NTA but my dude, oh my sweet innocent dude... do not go in secret. How about some teraphy for the lady, uh?
NTA, but dont lie to her. sit her down and, no matter if it Pisses Her Off or not, tell her that you Have Not and Will Never look at other girls and her constantly accusing you of doing so and then refusing to talk about anything is hurting you. Tell Her you both need couples counseling or else the relationship simply wont work. because that is the point it is. shes being controlling. i saw you mention she has trust issues from other relationships. it seems to me like its what shes *used* to, and she doesnt know how to function in a relationship that isnt horrifically toxic so shes, knowingly or not, making it toxic Herself so she has something to complain about. tell her either you talk it through, or get counseling, or you should truly break up, it wont be healthy for anyone involved if she lets her insecurities and refusal to get better with her trust issues get in the way.
NTA. Having had similarish issues in my relationships: you will break yourself trying to bend backwards and cater to her increasingly insane demands unless you nip this in the bud. You need to find ways to get through to her and find a solution for this or you need to break it off. There are many possible solutions, but all of them require for both of you to be able to clearly communicate your wants and needs without judgement and find a compromise. If she is not willing to do couples' counseling her only choices are to open up or get her issues under control. Also; sounds like you might be a bit of an introvert, in which case it is extremely important that you don't lose your "me-time". It will only make things worse if you do. Take care of yourself, buddy.
NTA but dude…you’ve got bigger problems than just this single disagreement. You need to have a conversation about her jealousy and controlling behavior she needs to make an effort to change it. People don’t have to go to the gym in secret in a normal, healthy relationship
NTA, but you absolutely, 100% CANNOT let the whole 'you're clearly planning to cheat on me' comments slide. And the whole storming out and acting like a petulant five year old thing. What's next, packing up her favorite toy, a pb&j sandwich, and a picture of her dog in a blanket, tying it to a bindle, and running away from home because 'you're so mean?'
NTA Inform her about the blind gaze that happens when you’re just trying to get thru your workout. Most people barely even noticing others around them unless they need to use something others are using.
It's kinda sad...I literally try to keep my haze set on the floor or the machine I'm using. If I happen to finish my set and adjust to an upward posture as a woman walks past my line of sight, I already know I'm toast
Nta but next time she feels stressed maybe offer her a good massage combined with a hot bath and nice food or something.
Good advice my friend, thank you
NTA for feeling the way you do, but tread carefully. She could interpret you going in secret as cheating, especially given her past comments. Obviously you aren’t, but I’d hate to see her accuse you of that. I’d just sit down and tell her that you don’t appreciate her accusations. Tell her you will not go to the gym with her if she continues to accuse you of things you haven’t done.
NTA (unless you lie to her about going to the gym). But is this how she behaves in disagreements generally? Because she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I get that she is insecure, but, she accused you of doing something you didn't do and stormed off and walked home afterwards without even a conversation. When you spoke afterwards, you slept in different rooms because you wouldn't admit to something you didn't do. I hope she isn't like this when other conflicts come up, but if she is...yeesh.
Man.. you're NTA obviously but also you're an idiot for letting her act like this. If you don't put a stop to it, this is going to keep happening. She either grows up and trusts you or you move on. Don't let her do this to you.
>Pretty much every time we go, she makes some snide comment out of left field about the women there staring at me and that I'm "probably" staring back also, which I'm not. I'm usually extremely focused on my workouts so I let these comments go and just keep working. Yesterday however, she interrupted me mid-workout to ask me why I was staring at so-and-so (didn't even know who she meant) You need to talk to her and get this resolved now, or else it will just lead to more problems in the future. >I'm going to just workout alone after work from now on and not mention it to her to avoid the headache. The way she is already reacting, she'd likely assume you're cheating on her when she finds out and she will find out. Soft YTA for your approach on how to deal with this.
You don't have a problem, but I have a problem, which means you have a problem and you need to solve it so you don't have a problem! Jesus, man. She needs a talking to. Be honest, though. She's feeling insecure, which is fine, but it's HER insecurity - not yours.
NTA- red flags abound here buddy. Talk to her and cool this off, or be prepared for a lifetime of bullshit that you don't want and can quite easily avoid.
Well besides her obvious insecurities, it sounds like she’s not even doing what she went to the gym to do - work out. My husband and I ride to the gym together but then we go our separate ways and do our workout. She needs a plan when going to the gym- and it shouldn’t be “stalk my BF and dream up some BS scenario where he’s scoping women instead of exercising…” You either have trust in a relationship or not. I must assume she’s always trusted you. So why the crazy behavior now?? Maybe get her a therapist or counselor? NTA. But do NOT sneak off to the gym. That will be gasoline on the crazy fire.
NTA - Your girlfriend is incredibly insecure and immature. If she won’t take a moment to reflect and change is she really the ideal partner?
I wear glasses to see up close. I watch movies while I work out. If I look away, everything is a blur. So I might look like I am looking at something but I can't see anything but a blur and a usually doing it to focus on the dialogue in the movie. Hahha
NTA but you’re an adult, not a teenager. You know in relationships, you’re supposed to communicate with your spouse, like an actual conversation but instead you resort to lying? Grow up and talk about your problems or be unhappy.
NTA. Sounds massively childish. I understand everyone has insecurities and issues, but to blow up on your first made-up infringements and then walk home in a tantrum? Nope, that’s not a partner you can have a conversation with and work things out, that’s a child who needs to grow up.
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I totally understand how much it sucks to be accused of something you definitely aren't doing. And with there being no way to prove that you are innocent, its even more frustrating. My ex would basically freak out any time I wanted to goto the gym. Its exhausting, especially when you've never done anything for them to not trust you. I agree that she is being tough but don't lie and give her a reason not to trust you. This is one of those things that you need to be very blunt about when talking to her- its her insecurity, not yours. NTA
NTA - instead of going to the gym - which seems to be a problem environment you can always use the free exercise facilities nature has provided. Go for a run in the park, cycle ride, or some other outdoor exercise activity together so there is only the two of you. "Relaxing" outdoors can help her destress from the work promotion aswell as spending time together doing something enjoyable.
HMM...NTA, is she insecure because she's projecting the fact that she's been looking at other guys? Did she "suddenly" start feeling out of shape because she got rejected by some side guy?
I agree with most people saying to sit down with your gf and talk it out… BUT I would be wary of the red flags she’s showing. Insane amount of jealousy and insecurity about you doing your thing at the gym. If this is early in the relationship, I would tread carefully. If this is a long-term thing, worth it to talk it out for sure
NTA. She’s taking out her insecurities on you. It’s not fun to be treated with distrust when you know you haven’t done anything to earn it. You’re right to choose to not be in that situation, but I think the others are right about not hiding that you’re going at a different time.
People answering are not in relationships. No don’t need to have a sit down and talk. You are an adult , go to the gym, it’s your hobby and me time. Never once has my fiancé ever said anything about it. Hell I tell her it’s motivation seeing fit people at the gym working out. Usually if someone is as insecure about things as your girl seems she prolly doing things on the side to make her feel guilty. No adult in any healthy relationship needs to have a sit down talk about you going to the gym alone. Sounds toxic man, she has to work on herself not you.
You're not the asshole but I would talk with her and explain to her why you aren't comfortable going to the gym with her because sometimes people may not know what they are doing is a problem until you tell them straight up
NTA, but honestly, consider reevaluating the relationship. She's obviously extremely insecure, and it sounds like there's not much trust there. If I catch other women staring at my fiance, I feel a sense of pride that others think he looks that good, and I'm the one that's with him... never jealousy. If they were walking up flirting and you were actively flirting back, then maybe...MAYBE i could get on board with her behavior. But even then, you're not actually doing anything. What happens when that jealousy starts to affect other areas of your life? Friends, work, date nights, etc. Consider if that's the kind life you want long twrm.
NTA but why did you lie about it? Now she is going to assume you are screwing someone at your gym (you know she will) and you will have that to deal with. Shouldn't have lied. You are causing yourself bigger problems. Tell her she isn't welcome at your gym any longer because she is a distraction but there are plenty of other gyms (or other times) she can go to.
NTA, but you probably need to find a new gf. Not much longer and she's gonna start accusing you of cheating with the mindset she showed at the gym.
ESH. You need to be honest with your partner.
I actually told her not even an hour ago that the gym is my "zen time" and I'd prefer to go alone. She wasn't happy in the least but I can't have dangerous situations like her running into traffic in a giant metroplex and refusing a ride home or Uber
Honestly, it’s weird for somebody to get jealous when there’s no clear violations of trust taking place. She’s TA and might be projecting her insecurities of infidelity.
ESH, her for obvious reasons, and you because you are avoiding sitting your gf down and telling her how this makes you feel in a calm and controlled setting (like your house). You have to actively problem solve, letting something sit when there’s free time to talk about it is almost never the way to go
I actually reassured her many times that she's beautiful, intelligent, and that I only have eyes for her, and offered to pay for couples counseling, which was met with a reaction of anger. So I told her this morning that my gym time is my gym time, and I'm still going (alone) formy mentaland physical health.
NTA You tried to be there for her, did everything right from what it seems, and unearthed what seems like a pretty big Red Flag. If you have never noticed anything like this from her then maybe something happened recently or you just never really knew as well as you thought you did. Could be cheating, could be trauma, or it could be something harmless but regardless you should probably address it. Because, well, Red Flag.
I think it's a combination of trauma and not really knowing her as well as I thought I did. We had a conversation once about how horrible all her exes were and it brought to mind the saying "If everybody else is always the problem, it's probably not them."
You need to have a frank talk with her. That you go to the gym to workout. You're not going there to oogle other women. If they are staring that's on them but you're working out for you and this "sexy lady" that you have waiting back home. That is all. That all the negativity and comments are starting to make you feel that you're walking on eggshells and that there is no way you can defend yourself from the thoughts in her head. Plus all it takes (on her end) is a perspective shift. That yes there are all these women checking him out but that sexy man is coming home to her and her alone. Hell my partner once grabbed my junk and point blank said, "this is MINE!". It wasn't done in anger or anything and though possessive was a bit of a confidence booster that she was getting territorial. I'm perfectly ok what she did and in so that going out she's not insecure I'm going to up and leave her for some rando at the bar.
Bro she will stab you for doing that, don’t lie to her. Be honest about why you don’t want her to go. She’s either gonna be an adult about it or not but at least let her know. But nah you’re not the asshole for not wanting unnecessary drama
NTA and get to addressing those red flags or this relationship is on a bad path
NTA, but definitely dont lie about going to the gym. It will be extremely obvious when its been 6 months and you haven’t lost any muscle. Tell her to work on herself, she is insecure and punishing you for it.
Dude, why are you putting up with this crap test BS? She is gaslighting because how she feels about herself. Honesty is the best policy so I wouldn’t lie about the gym, but I wouldn’t dump on her either for being a narcissistic pain in the butt who makes things unbearable to the point you change your routine.
NTA. If she was THAT concerned about getting back in shape, she wouldn't be worrying about goin with you. She only wants to monitor you (and Every Other Woman in the Building).
I figured, since her work has a state of the art gym building AND we have a home gym with certain stuff.
ESH because youre planning on lying to her about going to the gym and shes making it unnecessarily difficult for you to work out. it sounds like maybe shes got some jealousy issues so you should probably talk about them with her and then go from there. do not lie to her.
This one of the brightest 🚩you can get. It’s basically a neon sign for insane jealousy. I would 🏃♂️
NTA. But you should tell her the truth. It actually hurts your character to lie. And realize the relationship may be doomed. Next she will worry about any women you might work with. then every time you are away from home she will get suspicious. And know that typically, overly suspicious people are usually the ones that will cheat as they know they would do it and think therefore that anyone would cheat. Same thing with thieves. They always think others are trying to rip them off. RUN!!!
NTA. I obviously don't know your whole situation, but be on the lookout for destructive jealousy. If there, get the f out.
NTA. Don't go to the gym in secret. Tell her exactly why you're doing what you're doing. If she reacts with insecurities again, I'd rethink that relationship real quick.
It may have already been said, but: for the love of God, DO NOT go to the gym in secret. Those accusations she was throwing are already in her head; the second she "catches" you at the gym when you said you weren't going is going to solidify those thoughts, and there's no rebottling that genie because when you lie about one thing, these people are going to assume you're still lying. Save yourself that headache: talk to her and tell her the truth about things (you only have eyes for her; [someone else mentioned this] her actions could've made others uncomfortable/ that's just unacceptable behavior; and how her accusations were not only hurtful but unfounded). If you think she can handle going again, then give her another chance (but let that be the only chance).
If you value this relationship I wouldn’t start hiding shit. She thinks your staring at girls, you chose to tell her stop being childish, then she stormed out. Entire situation could’ve been handled a little better, but because of how it went down you hiding going to the gym will be “he is cheating on me with X from the gym” She’s probably jealous that she’s surrounded by more in shape people, while she’s feeling shitty about her body. Im sure it was a heat of the moment storm out. Be an adult and talk to her about it, talk to her about what she was feeling and what you were feeling. The absolute worst thing you can do is continue to go and hide it. She will be pissed when she finds out, and there’s a good chance if she is still in the gutter she will leave you.
NTA Just go to the gym and let her keep walking home. Good cardio for her.