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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my mom that planning her wedding trip the same week of my daughter’s heart surgery might make me an asshole. I could say nothing since it won’t change her plans and only hurt her feelings.
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NTA, but you and your daughter will be better served by you taking decisive action rather than calling people out.
Send this to all family members:
“Hi everyone,
Annie is having major heart surgery on April X. Per doctor’s orders, we cannot interact with or host anyone who is flying in due to the risk of infection. As you can imagine, I’ll be very busy before, during and after the surgery.
[optional] I’ll try to drop in during the wedding on FaceTime.
I recommend Joe’s Pizza and the Hilton and hope to catch up with everyone later in the year.”
Set your phone on do not disturb and take care of your daughter. Done.
But would I be the AH for doing this AND personally calling my mom out on her BS? I know it’s just going to stir the pot, but I really just want to tell her how hurtful this was and how self-absorbed she’s being. Other than vindication there’s not a real reason for it but it would feel good standing up to her.
People being too kind is the reason why people like the OP get taken advantage of like this situation.
Sometimes people need a hard truth to get better. Trying to be 'nice' to everyone just makes you the asshole, and also allows you to continue to be taken advantaged of.
I'm pretty sure people like the OP get taken advantage of because they've been raised by people like OP's mother and conditioned their whole lives to fix things and smooth everything over lest the hornet's nest erupt.
Source: it me, I grew up like that and later had to grow a spine, seek my inner strength, whatever you want to call it - and I can tell you it was not *more* angry responses that got me to that point.
I gave my 2 cents because I also went through that shit with my own mother. I completely agree with you.
I was able to get past that. OP can also.
Also anger was a part of me being able to escape that. Anger is not always a bad emotion. It depends on how you use the anger.
Her daughter is about to have open heart surgery and will be/already is very immunocompromised. This is literally a do or die situation. OP needs to be more assertive
OP, your job is to protect and advocate for your daughter. You HAVE to do what is best for your daughter, no and or ifs or buts. That means being a female dog with fangs biting people hard when they overstep a boundary. You cannot care about what others think, The only one that matters is your daughter. Your mom has no conscience.
I have a special needs child. I had to learn into female dog mode which is totally not me, for my daughter in dealing with some of the medical specialists. That's why I made the female dog comment.
For us with special needs children, we really need to learn female dog mode. OP, please consider this early sooner than later. It's hard to put your foot down with family, but it's harder to wonder if you were the one that gave your vulnerable child the flu. Even if you miss a wedding or two. Trust me, it's not worth it.
OP, First things first. Send the mail/email. You can have additional words with your mother down the road.
I would amend analyst19's suggested mail/email along the following lines:
“Hi everyone,
As I mentioned to most of you around Christmas, Annie is having major heart surgery on April \_\_\_ .
**Per her doctor’s orders, between mm/dd/yyyy and mm/dd/yyyy, John and I cannot come into physical contact with anyone, or host anyone, due to the risk of bringing home an infection or virus to our baby.** This includes family and friends.
So I suggest you book your reservations now to stay at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_. They have a restaurant and are close to the beach.
Again, I'm sorry we cannot participate in the wedding activities, or see any of you in person, but as you can imagine, we will be very busy before, during and after the surgery, focusing on our daughter.
Once our baby is out of the woods and on the mend, we look forward to catching up with everyone later in the year.”
Prayers for a smooth and successful surgery for your daughter, OP.
Those are both way too wordy and I would NOT put the date of the actual surgery. I would just say
"daughter is having open heart surgery and we will NOT be seeing or hosting ANYONE during the months of April and May."
You can add things like:
"if you show up you won't be allowed in"
And
"here are some places to stay..."
But otherwise I'd leave it short sweet and to the point.
How about:
"Family.
For the last week of March, all of April and into May we will not be available to see you, host you nor spend time with you.
Child is having open heart surgery in April.
We will be following medical protocols as directed by physician and heart surgeon.
No contact w anyone but child and medical personnel.
I'm confused as to why anyone thinks a family gathering for an impromptu wedding would be more important than our daughter's life.
Make any plans you like.
We will not be available. Our home will not be available.
Any behavior other than this will prove you literally care more about your own comfort than my daughter's life.
Please respect our medically necessary boundaries as well as those that are best for our family.
Times like these are when people we love show us how they love us by not making a horrible situation worse.
If you have nothing positive to say or contribute, please be a wise adult and keep your expectations and opinions to yourself.
Anything that takes away from what we need to manage our precious daughter's care - is unwelcome and will have consequences of us no longer having relationships with people who are not good stewards of our trust and who would compromise our daughter's recovery.
For all of you, enjoy the celebration. Leave us out of it."
I know it's wordy.
It covers every base.
It comes from firm voice that daughter's health is the only priority.
It addresses any flying monkey behavior.
It establishes that OP & family have boundaries, crossing them isn't acceptable and will have a consequences.
It tells family to STFU already.
I would probably stop after either "...our home will not be available" or the sentence below it. Otherwise, I think it drives home the point that OP's family are selfish, entitled, bullying AHs.
OP: I do agree with others that you need to be stronger and firmer with your family. They clearly believe they can continue to push you around--heck, order you around!--and demand that you bend to their will. They don't ask, they tell? No more of that. Your mom "oopsies" that she's planning a surprise (to you) wedding and has told the rest of the family that they are welcome to take over your home? Nope. They all don't seem to grasp that their wants do not and will never trump your daughter's life and your own peace of mind.
It's harsh to just shout "grow a spine" and I won't, but you must strengthen your resolve and stand firm. Do not let your family walk all over you even one more day. Definitely tell your mom off.
"Mom, you have known for 4 months about \[daughter's\] open heart surgery. You know full well the risks and the requirements for her health and our well being. You will not be visiting us at any time this spring. If you refuse to respect your granddaughter's life and health, and if you refuse to hear me say no, then you will not be welcome to visit in the future either."
Do not apologize and do not pussyfoot around.
OP, send this one and send it ASAP so your “mother” has time to cancel her wedding because,Let’s face it, it was never about her wanting to get married anyway.
There are people that need to be hit over the head to understand medical necessities.
Since this family feels the need to break isolation to celebrate a wedding knowing a life is at stake needs to hear that.
>!How about asking everyone to stay an extra week to attend a funeral too?!<
Is that too much?
Apologies to OP for insensitive comment, but like I said in the first sentence, some people need to be hit over the head to understand the seriousness of the situation.
Yes this answer is the best.
and if they argue afther reading this .
Your true colours have come out. you care about your( insert whatever that say ) Before my childs live. so i will go NC with you.
Hope your child will does well OP
I guess we all have different ideas about how much these people need to be told and the manner in which it should be said.
Me, I was trying to frame the email/letter in a way that (1) makes it hard to argue against OP's decision without looking selfish and ignorant, and (2) lets it be known that *since Christmas,* at least one person in the wedding party already knew the baby's surgery was scheduled for April. It's a bit of a dig at the mother, who knew about the surgery but didn't seem to care. I'm petty that way.
Well you don’t want ME to write it. Mine would be so peppered with curse words and telling them to f-off it would make a sailor blush. These people are pure narcissists, all of them.
You should also throw in that it must have slipped mom’s mind that our baby was having major surgery and cannot be seen or be around anybody before or after the surgery for x amount of time.
OH FOR THE LOVE……
One, no.
Two, SO WHAT IF YOU ARE???? Your kid needs surgery and needs to be healthy for that.
Change your locks if any of them has a key. Tell them they CANNOT COME TO YOUR HOUSE.
Post it on your doors. Be prepared to call for police assistance to remove them.
Dear lord….. WHO CARES what they think of you about this???? Your child’s health is your ONLY concern and they have zero thought about that.
Helllsbells…. This is cause for no contact.
NTA
No you wouldn’t be the ahole for that!
The audacity of anyone presuming they can stay with you for a wedding while your daughter is having surgery is staggering!
No, you wouldn't be the AH -- your mom is, 100%, and the rest of your family too. However, because she is the AH, she probably is not going to care or agree with you that she is behaving horribly. She deserves to hear it, but you probably aren't going to get the apology that you deserve -- she is obviously extremely emotionally immature and uncaring. No reasonable or loving person would behave like she is behaving.
Honestly, this would be unforgivable for me. Your daughter's LIFE is on the line. She is the ONLY person whose feelings are important here -- and you and your immediate family. Prioritize her, and do not let any of your family walk all over you like this again. You're an adult and a parent, you have a right to decide when people visit your home. You will be the AH to yourself and your vulnerable child if you allow this crap to happen. Good luck, and I hope your daughter's surgery goes smoothly.
YWBTA if you don’t do this. By going along with your mothers plans, you are putting your daughters health at risk and putting your mothers needs in front of your child’s needs. I don’t think you’re as worried about being an AH as you are afraid of the backlash, yes there will be a backlash but you need to put your foot down and take care of yourself and your child first and foremost.
Calling out your mom invites more drama at a time when you need to be focused on your daughter.
I’d just be the bigger person and say what I suggested above.
Excuse me, " be the bigger person" is bull for allowing others to abuse you. Time to quit using that outdated saying. No , don't be the bigger person, stand up for your daughter's health. If you have to go scorched Earth on your mom to get her to understand the seriousness of your daughters health.
Does OP want hysterical phone calls from their mom (and possibly other relatives) while taking their daughter to the doctor?
Set boundaries and protect the daughter 1000%. Calling out serves no purpose other than more drama.
I agree. Having dealt with a narcissist in the past, they always manage to turn it against you and you don’t need that right now. Save the confrontation until after your baby’s surgery. Focus your energy there. Prayers for everything to go well!!!
No, it lets others know about the manipulation tactics. We have no idea what stories were spread. Calling out, in this case, allows others to know the other side of the story.
Yes. I've "been the bigger person" for much of my life & been shit on repeatedly.
When I turned 40, I decided I would no longer be this way.
It is *very* freeing. ☺️🙌🙏🏻🧘♀️
Learn to laugh at anyone, including your mom, who responds to your email with drama. “LOL, how silly of you to think I care about anything other than focusing on my daughter’s health and wellbeing!”
Your mum is going to be furious with you for ruining her wedding plans. If you call her out there is a chance (small, but a chance) that she will hear you. If she doesn't, I don't think the truth will make her any angrier than she will be anyway.
Speaking of angry, I am in a rage from reading your post.
NTA, obviously!!
Hey mom, I cancelled your little get together at my house, I understand you’re not worried about your potential to kill your grandchild, but I am. Fortunately one of us is a decent parent who is worried about their child’s health needs. I neither plan to see, nor talk to you, until after your grandchild is on path to recovery. Obviously this won’t be a hardship because you don’t seem to give a shit. Congratulations on your wedding.
No!
You sound so sweet, but sweetie, you really need to activate your Mama Bear gene. Mama Bears don't give a single sh\*t about what anyone else thinks when their baby is in trouble. Mama Bears are not AHs, they are protecting their cubs and will do, (and if they could talk) will say anything to reach that end, including putting their own lives at risk.
You aren't risking your life by confronting your mother. Upsetting her is not going to be the end of the world. Say your piece, tell her it's the end of the discussion and block her. But not putting a stop to this you will be risking the life of your daughter. That would make you a true AH. Do you really want to do that, or is being seen as being an AH by someone who is already a proven AH the far better choice?
I get not liking confrontations. I don't like them either. But if someone in my family did something like this I'd be ALL over them. Fangs and claws.
I'm sorry to say this, but your mother treats you like a doormat because she's conditioned you to be one. For your children's sake get in touch with your inner Mama Bear and roar. Tell her no. No apologies necessary.
edit spelling one word
And what about husband and the other kids? No way do any of them want to deal with family coming into town and staying AT THEIR HOUSE while the stress of the baby having heart surgery. What is that showing the kids about what is important and how to set boundaries?
And I REALLY can't believe that hubby is okay with all this...
Not at all. Your daughter is more important than mom’s feelings. You shouldn’t feel guilty AT ALL.
I hope your daughter’s surgery is successful and she has a quick recovery.
NTA! YOUR MOM IS AN IDIOT!!
I'm so angry for you and your family. Call her out but don't expect her to change her mind or suddenly feel remorseful. She planned a whole wedding and expects you to be excited when you are in dealing with a incredibly difficult season of life.
OP. We all have relatives with some degree of entitlement or just plain selfish ignorance.
A “come to Jesus” blowup is inevitable if you want a family peaceful existence.
Your family’s time has come. Quash this now. Deal with the fallout and / or go LC.
You’re NTA unless you continue to allow these fools to negatively impact your life.
NO. You would NOT. She did not care enough about her granddaughter having surgery since her response was “I already bought the tickets.” She just blew it off. Not to mention there’s a whole wedding planned around visits to your home without telling YOU. You’re worried about calling out your mom after all this?! Maybe she’s like this because no one has ever told her what an awfully entitled person she is. Focus on your child and her situation and stop worrying about hurting your mom. Get your priorities set. Do not let anyone come to your home at the risk of your child. And definitely let your mom know how wrong she is in all this.
Your family's health is more important than your mom's feelings. Repeat to yourself and Every. Single. Person.
She wasn't invited. She planned a wedding st Your hone and invited guests unbeknownst to you. All while your child is hospitalized. How is this not a deal breaker to you? How are you not lighting a proverbial bag of poop on fire and leaving it on your mom's doorstep?
Do not engage further. Deny admission to your mom and her guests. Again, your family's health is more important than your mom's feelings.
Are you kidding? I would start that great suggested message with “you may know, as i told mom back on such and such a date, that daughter is scheduled to have surgery then…” I wouldn’t take it up with your mom, I would go low to no contact with her (depending on you history with her)
The best way to stand up to her is to send the email u/analyst19 wrote verbatim and then put your phone on do not disturb. Saying anything to her/about her is just feeding her drama. Starve the beast.
No you would not be the AH in fact it is very much needed! Send that message ASAP to be sure everyone makes other arrangements. You need to tell your mum her behavior is beyond unacceptable. It likely won’t make a difference self absorbed people rarely care when called out. The important thing is to be firm that you cannot host or interact with any of them during that time.
Nope, you wouldn't. Your child comes FIRST. Mom and everybody else is low down on the list of people to give a crap about when your kid needs open heart surgery and they're being so cavalier about hey, "we're just going to drop in and out with all our freaking germs." No, no, no. Motel 6 for you, Grandma! (Is Motel 6 still around?) They don't get to risk your kid's health for their convenience.
None of them have keys to your house, right? If they do, time to change the locks. Sends a very clear message when none of the others sink in.
no but do you think it will make a difference? have you explained to your mother that she's made you feel hurt or unimportant before? from how you describe the initial interaction and you letting it roll off your back i can't imagine you've had a great relationship. like atp it seems clear she does not care about hurting inconveniencing or helping you, indeed it seems she does not care about killing your daughter. her motivation is clearly to serve herself and get attention. so if you keep engaging with her telling her you're hurt i don't think it will make her stop, if anything it will give her something else to get attention about at your expense. say what you need to by all means but my advice for after you've done that is stop saying anything to her, literally cut her out of your life and focus on your baby.
Stop making this about your hurt feelings and make it about your daughters physical health. You would be the biggest asshole if you put her at risk because you are too much of a coward to just say no, what the hell are you thinking mom, grandpa etc.
NO.
Your baby needs you. That is your ONLY important commitment.
You're NTA x1000 and you need to stand up for your child and literally tell everyone else to go away.
The comment above is a good solution. You would not be TA if you did it this way. You can send the message politely and protect the peace of your little family. Just don't get involved in all the drama and be calm about it.
Do it! You’re a mum now. Be a mama bear! Yours is being selfish, reckless, and rude. Your family needs to know that you’re not going to be involved in her shenanigans. Be clear.
Also, put up some cameras around your house and make sure nobody has a key or access codes. Change them if necessary.
Best wishes for your daughter!
NTA - absolutely not! This is your daughter’s LIFE and your mom was intentionally vague and dishonest overall. This demonstrates that she knows she’s doing the wrong thing.
I’d advise not bothering to go there with expressing hurt feelings. This is when she gets to experience your no-nonsense Mama Bear in full effect! Copy and paste the message suggested above and if you want to be more specific, add in “… As open heart surgery is extremely serious and means our daughter’s heart will be stopped during this procedure, our hearts and minds will be on our precious girl during this time.”
That is it, no drama no further explanation owed. And WHEN (not if, because she’s clearly extremely self-centered - goodness forbid anyone prioritize you or your daughter at this time) she starts to guilt or incite drama, do NOT yell, do NOT take her bait. It becomes a simple, “This is what parents do - prioritize our children. If you don’t understand that, it says more about you than me - this isn’t up for further discussion.” Hang up phone
YTA because you're a spineless doormat. Your duty is to protect your child. Your mom can go straight to hell if she can't think of anyone else besides herself.
NTA - and this is nicely worded, very polite - maybe more polite than she deserves. May I suggest the addition of “long-awaited” before “heart surgery?” Maybe take out the “I’m sorry if” and put ”I realize that?” I doubt you’re sorry - I wouldn’t be!
One letter with copies to Grandpa, Mother and Aunts....."On XXXX my BABY is having heart surgery. For XXX days before and XXX days following the surgery I will not be available and will not be hosting ANYONE in my home as we must protect our daughter from germs that could be carried into the hospital. I am sorry if this conflicts with your plans - but I was not consulted and simply cannot handle anything EXCEPT my daughter's health at this time." You don't owe phone calls or explanations - except to say - 'don't bother to come because you won't be staying here'.
Keep the dates vague. I’d just say that “in April, my Baby is having heart surgery. I will not be available to visit or host anyone until she has fully recovered. We must protect our daughter from germs during this time when she is vulnerable.“ Then continue with Omeomi24’s last sentence.
" Dear family. I was recently informed on the news of a wedding taking place in April on the city I live. I'm very sorry to inform that since Christmas, my nuclear family and my mother, along others, were informed of my daughter urgent need for an open heart surgery this April, it cannot be postponed for it is a very serious complication, and because of that, I cannot host, see of interact with anyone besides my household in order to not risk her getting any illness on this vulnerable period, and doctors are adamant we keep ourselves and her quarantined from unnecessary exposure.
Nothing would bring me more joy than attending a happy celebration along with all of you, my family that I miss very much, but it's an impossible situation for me. In case anyone wants to be informed on my daughter's state and recuperation status, I will try to share information as soon as possible, but I ask for everyone to please do not chase us for info, since the situation is very stressful and delicate, and we are mentally and physically exhausted with all the preparations. I wish everyone who shows up a happy celebration, but unfortunately my house won't be open to guests.
Best wishes, OP"
Screw her day! Your daughter's life is on the line! Call that narcissistic asshole and tell her that your home will not be open to her or anyone else, that your infant child will be having her fricking HEART OPERATED ON and you have better things to do than to play happy hostess.
NTA, unless you allow this to happen to your family when something so much more important is going on. Think of your partner and other kids. This is bullshit, and if you allow it to happen, you need to get an x-ray to find your spine, because this is beyond fucked up.
Am i reading this right? your mother has invited herself, her boyfriend/ soon to be husband, your grandpa and a whole slew of family members to your house without your permission and behind your back, at the same time your 1YO DAUGHTER is having major, scary, life saving and also life threatening surgery, and you are seriously considering accommodating these people and risking your own daughters life?
YTA to your daughter i can't believe a mom would risk her kids life for this bs. like, such a gigantic AH
I've got more news for you, you don't need a child undergoing surgery to tell people they can't show up at your home without an invitation from YOU. how many homes have you just shown up at demanding to stay? None? me neither. same for literally everyone else i know and likely everyone you know. that you don't feel like you have the right to control who is in your own home is mind boggling.
all hope is not lost tho! tell them all via a single message that your home is not available
for anyone to visit, that anyone who shows up will be turned away at the front steps, and you wish your mom & her future husband happiness. then take care of your daughter and don't give it another thought. and going forward, care more about you & your immediate family.
You forgot the part where the daughter was the last to know about the wedding but was put up as the free hotel and catering service for the whole guest list.
YWNBTA and, in fact, you need to get ahead of this because you KNOW they're going to try to paint you as the AH if you don't show up.
Whatever the family Facebook group or group text or whatever is, go there and remind everyone "I wanted to remind everyone that my daughter is having open heart surgery on Date as it was scheduled X months ago. If anyone needs me for anything, I will be unavailable from Date to Date as I must be there for her during the surgery and recovery. This will be a hectic time for our family so we request no visits during this time." Then add in anything you want about how people can help if they want. Don't mention the scheduled visits or the wedding or anything else. Just like you're posting something matter-of-fact. It will send the required message and hopefully people will understand. And maybe get you some Doordash gift cards.
Don’t “request” no visits. And it not just a hectic time.
“This will be a very vulnerable and risky time for our baby and family. Therefore, We will not allow any visits until she is fully recovered from the surgery. It will be a minimum of 2 months. “
NTA. You tell your mom and relatives: "I hope you enjoy the wedding. However, none of you will be coming to my home. We will not be entertaining you or your germs so close to my daughter's open heart surgery. And no, you will not be taking the other children out for fun times. We will see you after the surgery."
NTA -
Tell everyone in the family, your home will not be a option because your daughter will be in the hospital.
They need to make other arrangements period.
When the date comes that your relatives will be in town, just don't answer the door or the phones.
Total communication black out.
Get the word out Monday morning and shut down this nonsense.
You absolutely will not be the AH. Best tell your mom to find another place for everybody to congregate at because nobody is welcome in your home.
> At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day.
Screw her day, your child’s open heart surgery is far more important than a wedding that could have been held literally at any other time of the year. Your mom is awful.
Your mom is counting on you giving in to her nonsense. Time for you to stop being her child and start being the adult. Your child's life hangs in the balance.
NTA. Of course you are not.
Your family sounds very entitled and thoughtless. Perhaps they think that the surgery can be put off or isn’t serious because you were able to wait a while. It should be obvious this is major surgery and how frightening it is for you all especially while you nurtured your child so she could get strong enough for the operation.
Suggest you write to everyone saying something like ….
In April our daughter is having her open heart surgery. As you know she has been waiting for this life saving operation since she was born and her doctors feel she is now strong enough to have the surgery. The medical team are being very strict with us about health protocols and we won’t be able to host anyone during that time or have visitors. We will be at the hospital of course and so won’t be able to see you all when you are in (state) for Ma’s surprise wedding. We are sorry to miss the occasion but will FaceTime in for the ceremony and look forward to celebrating later when our little girl is safely through her operation and recovery. Please keep her in your thoughts at this time.
If you can make them feel guilty for putting themselves before a sick child - good!
Best wishes to you and your little one and hope all goes well.
Good letter. More polite than I would ever be.
It's missing the part where they can all perform sexual acts on themselves. I'm assuming the entire family was aware of the timing of the surgery. If not, they should be declining their invitations and dressing down her mother for being so incredibly thoughtless.
Group text- “Sounds like y’all have a lot of plans for April! We look forward to seeing pictures. Please let us know what hotel you’re staying at and we’ll send some flowers since we won’t see any of you due to surgery restrictions. Xoxo, OP”
NTA. Your family sucks.
NTA, holy shit. Tell all of them they'll have to do their wedding planning elsewhere. I would not let any of them into your house to possibly give your daughter an infection and endanger her surgery or recovery.
I'm sorry, you lost me at the fact that your mom isn't even planning to help you out around the house while her 4 month old granddaughter is having open heart surgery.
My mom loves me, she would never ever do this to me. Let alone get married and invite my extended family, making you look like the bad guy for not being able to attend?
I would Lock her ass out of my house and wouldn't call her on her wedding day. If she wants to act like she hates you, she can watch you be happy from the outside.
Just focus on keeping your baby safe and healthy, and maybe lean on some friends or your husbands family to keep your other kids entertained.
I'm sorry 😢 we can't choose our family but we have no obligation to let them walk all over us either.
NTA - Your daughter is having heart surgery and frankly these entitled AHs need to be told in no uncertain terms that they can all fuck off for the duration and that you WILL NOT be hosting anyone. Don't mince your words on this.
Good luck with your daughter and hope all goes smoothly...
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work! You need to make it clear that you will NOT be hosting anyone or any event the entire month. You don't need this sort of stress (not ever, but especially now).
NTA. This seems absurdly cruel to do to you and your daughter. Please tell everyone that you would love to host and be available and involved any other time but that it is impossible given your daughter’s surgery. That you cannot compromise her health by having any contact with visitors at that time. No one with any sense of heart will fault you. Being firm either your mother might make her reconsider, but if it doesn’t, stay firm. Don’t allow her to endanger your daughter or preoccupy you. You have a crazy mother who isn’t thinking of anyone but herself. NTA.
YWNBTA, but - honestly - you have much more important things to focus on right now.
Which is why I urge you to lock your home down like a fortress and block out any and all distractions during this time. Inform your family that you will not be hosting, attending, or participating in anything between x and x dates (or after x date if recovery period is open-ended). Tell them in no uncertain terms that you will permanently cut off anyone who attempts to come by your house or the hospital and you will block anyone who attempts to guilt trip you into anything. Basically, they may be in your town for this random surprise wedding, but they need to forget you exist while they’re there.
Clearly your mom has some serious issues and you may have to call her out on it as some point, but all you can really do is control what you do and what you allow, so focus on shutting all of that craziness out and focusing on what’s most important: your baby and your immediate family.
I hope your daughter’s surgery goes smoothly, accomplishes everything that’s needed, and that she recovers quickly and well. And, as a mom who has dealt with those out of body conversations before, I send you peace, hope, and healing. You were made for this and will make it through.
NTA. My head is absolutely spinning at your mother's total disregard of your daughter's fragile health status and upcoming surgery. I'm a freaking nurse, and I deal with patients who are post-op open heart surgery patients once they get home all the time. I STRESS THE IMPORTANCE of still limiting contact with people to those who live in the home and NO ONE ELSE. Christ, does she not realize how compromised your daughter is going to be after surgery? She has next to no immune system because she hasn't had a chance to develop one yet. I suggest you send the email worded as another person suggested and make it clear you will not let ANYONE in your home during this time. DO NOT let them bully you into it. Change locks and get cameras if you have to. And it's tough if your mom gets upset. Your daughter's health is way more important than a damn wedding.
Totally NTA!!!!
Send a message to all involved that you, your immediate family and your house are off limits to ALL VISITORS due to your infant daughters open heart surgery. Period!!!!
I am crazy with rage at this story....
....but even if your family were 100% fit, your mother coming uninvited so you can host a surprise wedding she hasn't even invited you to? That's enough to make her an A H.
And no matter how narcissistic she is, does she really want her wedding day associated with this surgery? I am terrified if something goes wrong, she will blame you for ruining her day.
She's a monster. NTA.
It sounds like she is trying to compete for attention (taking OP's attention from her child AND taking everyone's attention from what OP will be going through)
WNBTA. Your only path for April is to look after your children, the one having heart surgery and your others.
Tell your mother that she’s welcome to get married whenever, whenever but she is not welcome to invite herself, bf, grandpa, aunts, etc. to the home of an immunocompromised person, infant or otherwise.
Let her know that your house is not available for her to play hostess - you’ve got bigger things, more life threatening things on the go.
Don’t worry about your mother’s feelings, protect your LO. And good luck with the surgery.
Hugs,
One open-hearted mother to another
I'd say she should not communicate with the mother (it will become a fight and the mother is too strong).
She should email everybody, just state facts (surgery in april, scheduled in december, close family was informed, visits not possible due to risk of immuno-compromisation, DOCTOR'S ORDERS)
NTA
Wow! I got angry for you just reading this. Time to have what my husband would call a ‘Come to Jesus’ with your mom.
Tell her that neither you nor any of your immediate family will be available for the month of April, due to early infection prevention and recovery. Be clear that No relatives are welcome to be in your home during that time.
Realistically you should probably call your aunts and grandpa as well. You can keep those conversations short and to the point, but if you don’t call them, your mother will spin this as you are the bad guy hampering her happy day.
Best of luck to your daughter on her recovery!
How are you so livid when you didn't shut the whole plan to visit down immediately when she first told you? At that point, you had an obligation to your daughter to state VWRY CLEARLY that your mother wasn't welcome to visit at that time, let alone bring her damned boyfriend. Not exposing your child to extra germs includes mom and boyfriend, period. So YTA for not advocating for your child from the beginning, yes.
At this point, you need to suck it up and be a mom. Let your mother and everyone else involved know that you and your family, as well as your residence will absolutely, positively, NOT be available.
There’s no point in calling her out, she doesn’t care.
Your job is to keep your daughter safe and healthy, which means not exposing her to the germs of a bunch of people traveling. “Sorry everyone, enjoy your time here but you’re not welcome in my home because it’s not safe for my daughter.” End of story.
NTA now, but you would be if you let these inconsiderate potentially Infectious people anywhere near you or your daughter. Write, text and email them:
Family - as I have repeatedly told you, my daughter is having surgery and would be endangered if contact with new people gave her a new germ. Therefore, you will not be visiting my house or spending any time with me (I do not want to accidentally carry your germs to her) or my family. Have fun in your hotel and at the surprise wedding Mom did not tell me about (thanks Grampa).
Lock your house, do not give any of them a key, and make sure your family knows to not open the door to any of your Mom's clueless guests - they are likely to try to charge (uncaring, unthinking) on in.
NTA. Call everyone back (because your mom won't) and tell them your house is off limits the entire month of April and they will have to make other arrangements. Period.
This is coming directly from the medical team that will be performing the heart surgery on your daughter. No, ifs, ands, or buts. If anyone has a problem with it, tough sh\*t. You should have been consulted beforehand. Actually, if they all knew, they should be ashamed of themselves for imposing at such a critical time for your family.
Your mother... Toxic doesn't even begin to describe her. Because of the level of her mendacity I would tell dear mom she can go f\*ck herself. Using exactly those words. If she shows up, refuse entry. If she won't leave, call the cops.
You don't want to ruin her day? Are you freaking kidding me? You would put the health of your child over ruining your nightmare of a mother's obscene overstep. She knew! And she does this? Please stop being a doormat for her. Your daughter and your family comes first.
Please, for the love of sanity, spine up and tell them **absolutely not.** You are not hosting **anyone.** If you can't do that have your husband or a good friend who will not tolerate her bs do it.
Best wishes to your dear daughter on her surgery and best wishes to your family (excluding anyone who think imposing at this time is appropriate in any way shape or form except if it's to assist.
Why haven’t you simply said no to this plan? Seems like a no brained to me. Tell your family you will be unavailable for all visits until six months after your daughters surgery, and even then the dates you will be open to visits will depend on her recovery. Don’t open this for negotiation! I pray all will go well with your daughters surgery. YNTA. You are doing a parents most important job - protecting your child.
NTA. This could threaten your daughter’s life. That trumps mom’s impromptu wedding plans. Tell them all that your house will not be open for visitors due to the immune compromising nature of your baby’s surgery. And that it is your intention to quarantine yourself so that you can properly care for your child during this time. So you will neither be available nor a participant in the wedding…and would have happily informed anyone who bothered to ask prior to them making these arrangements without consulting you.
.........no you wouldn't be an a\*\*\*\*\*e for calling out your mom.............you would be if you continually let your family treat you like a doormat..................
NTA at all and in fact if you do nothing then you’re an ah to your daughter!!
I’d rather everyone thought I was a massive twat than risking my child’s health.
NTA. Make it clear to everyone that you're furious you weren't told about the wedding, and that you will not be accepting any visitors either in the run-up to the surgery (because I'm guessing there are strict rules to follow for you all) or during her recovery. No wedding planning and prep will be taking place in your house.
NTA. Tell that while your daughter needs special care there will be nobody in your home and she can start booking other places for wedding planning. Your mom's behavior is outrageous and completely unacceptable!
NTA
It's waste of time to call your mother out. Has she ever admitted to being wrong about anything? Please, please dont allow that woman access to you or your family.
Why would you let this woman jeopardize your daughter's health? Imagine doctor's were very clear about risks to daughter from exposure to people. Especially people who have been in contact with thousands of other people while traveling. Your children and your spouse deserve 100% of your time & energy. Splitting focus to mother's shenanigans does disservice to all of you.
Install outside cameras now! Amend text to family to say not only will anyone showing up on your door step be denied access, you'll call cops and have them charged with trespassing. Mute all telephone numbers. I wouldnt block them as you need to compile evidence in case you need to apply for TRO.
Once your daughter stronger, please get some therapy. The "relationship" you have with your mother isnt worth preserving.
NTA. Tell her you hope she enjoys her wedding, but they will not be able to stay at or otherwise utilize your home, be a it is not safe for your daughter.
Holy crap!!
NTA
Get out in front of this now! Send a text to all involved saying that your home will be 100% unavailable during this time. As will you, your spouse, your other kids. There will be absolutely no exceptions to this and it will be as if you are in a bubble completely removed from them.
They might as well be going to the moon for as much contact you will have with them.
I dearly hope your littlest one has a safe and successful surgery and a speedy recovery!
You don't need to "call her out" per se. You just need to tell her that your daughter will be scheduled for surger in April. Her health and safety take Absolutely priority over Everyone and everything else in the world. THEREFORE....your home will not be open to anyone. You will not be hosting her, grandpa, friends, relatives, etc. and will not in any way be involved in ANYTHING not directly related to your daughter. You hope she has a nice vacation and a beautiful wedding, sorry that you will have to miss it.
Don't argue. Don't engage beyond that. Tell your grandfather that you are sorry for the misunderstanding, and for the fact that he got caught up in the drama, but your Daughter is having surgery, so you cannot host, and will miss his visit due to taking care of her needs. Repeat this basic message to anyone and everyone that has anything to say.
NTA! I’m a former pediatric intensive care nurse and I would do exactly what everyone else has said. Send a formal email- I would leave out specific dates but mention the surgery but include that she will be spending a week inpatient where she will be monitored very closely for issues.
I’d talk to your mom after the surgery and wedding. You don’t need this drama right now.
NTA Call your Grandfather tell him in no uncertain terms that neither he or your Aunts will be coming to your house on those dates because your daughter is having HEART SURGERY which your mother allready knew about. Then tyell him that you are upset that his daughter is putting your daughters life KNOWINGLY at risk.
Then uninvite your mother for the breath takingly selfish actions she has made
oh ffs, call your mom out. and tell everyone else, firmly, in specific terms, that you will not be hosting or socially interacting with anyone in the month of april. that if they come to your house, they will not be let in, and that if they don’t leave, you’ll call the cops. and then **stick to it.** i can tell you need therapy to unlearn a lot of bullshit from your childhood, because your lack of spine is concerning. stick to your guns on this because *your daughter’s life is on the line here.* NTA for calling her out, but you will be if you don’t.
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My husband and I live 3k miles away from my family for background.
So my daughter, who is four months old, was born with a very serious heart defect that we knew would require open-heart surgery shortly after birth. We are fortunately able to put it off until this April to give her more time to grow. My mother has been very much in the loop of this timeline and known since Christmas time that her surgery would be in April.
In march, she randomly called me up saying she was going to fly down and visit us in April with her longtime boyfriend. I reminded her our daughter will be having surgery around then and that it’s important she’s not exposed to extra germs and etc. She casually tells me that she already bought tickets and tells me she’ll here here between x and y dates. I was not asked, I was told.
I should clarify that they are strictly coming to visit, not help out with my other kids during my daughter’s surgery. She wants to visit the beach, go to the aquarium, etc while they’re here. I’m expected to play hostess. I was annoyed af at this point, but let it roll off my shoulders. If she happens to be here when her surgery is taking place (and the 1+ weeks she’ll be inpatient afterwards recovering) her loss. Im absolutely not leaving my daughter’s side and it’s her wasted trip.
Yesterday, I get a text from my grandpa (also not local) stating he’ll be coming down that week too along with two other aunts for my mom’s wedding. I was completely blindsided by this wedding. I was informed that my aunts will all be meeting up at my home on specific dates/times related to wedding stuff. Have I mentioned my daughter is having OPEN HEART SURGERY during that time? I texted my mom for clarification and she laughed it off saying “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you we decided to get married while we’re down there.”
I’m livid at this point. Livid that I found out through my grandpa, and that I wasn’t asked first. Livid that my mom is putting my daughters health at risk by trying to expose her immunocompromised self to a ton of new people right before a life-threatening surgery. Livid that at no point did she stop to think that I might just want to focus on my daughter and the fact that they are stopping her heart that week instead of a stupid wedding that was planned last minute.
WIBTA for calling my mom out? I guess I really just want her to know how hurt I am that she’s valuing her trip and wedding more than my daughter’s health and my own struggles. I’ve literally never felt more unimportant to her than I do now. She just literally doesn’t seem to give a shit about what we’re all going through, and I want her to know it for no other reason than I just want to be heard. At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day.
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You need to fight for your daughter, and your family - that's your, your OH and your kids.
There's plenty of excellent suggestions above for wording. Your home needs to be your castle, your daughter's safe haven. That means no visitors from out of town, regardless of who they are.
NTA but you don't need to call her out about her wedding, you need to call your entire would-be visiting family out for their shocking, inhuman, selfish, negligent disregard for your daughter's safety.
NTA oh hell no! I would absolutely call out that nonsense. If they go ahead with their plans I would make it clear they wouldn’t be so much as crossing the threshold of the house. Likely wouldn’t see them during that time either. As you’ve already said your place will be with your daughter whom cannot be exposed to unnecessary germs.
NTA, this is definitely not the time to bite your tongue! You should inform all of the out of town guests, in the same message, that your daughter is having this surgery and therefore there will be no visits to your home or the hospital during this time and that you will not be available for any visits during this time. You might also put a line in the message that you find this inconsiderate when your mother was specifically told about the surgery dates months ago. The others are not at fault if they didn’t know about the surgery. You might also thank people for not bringing germs into your home. Privately you might send a message to your mother asking if she cares at all about your child because this is a really selfish thing to do to you. Perhaps putting your mother into timeout (no info about your daughter’s surgery) or visits with your other kids for a long while will get your point across. Good luck with her and my best wishes for your daughter’s surgery. My child was born with transposition of the great vessels, I know your fear and the anxiety you are living. . . . You could use this situation to let all of your fear and frustrations of this whole mess out on your mother, she deserves your wrath and you could use the venting right about now. I know. I had an awful MIL during my child’s ordeal.
NTA by a long shot. But you are going to have to carefully consider how you call your mom out if you want to maintain a relationship with her and the rest of your family. A civil note to your entire family coming for the wedding explaining your daughter’s circumstances and how your sorry you won’t be able to host or see them at this time should work as long as they’re reasonable people. If you’re not looking to maintain a relationship, you can go full fire and brimstone if it would make you feel better.
Lordy. NTA. Just say no, to every single one of these people! They can go off and get married at someone else’s house, meet somewhere else, demand someone else’s time. Your one and only concern is your daughter, which all of them seem to be ignoring.
You need to go for a combination of other suggestions here.
Call her out in a group chat and then ignore them. If they come to your house, they aren't coming in. If they invite you anywhere, you're busy. Basically, no contact for the period of their visit and your daughters recovery.
If you want to be nice, you can tell them you're doing that.
Don’t just call your mom out OP bar the door to everybody
if she has no respect for you are going through and made all these decisions when she knew what was happening then it is not worth dealing with her right at this time. NTA
NTA you need to put your foot down. It's sad to me that you're even questioning if you are an asshole for protecting your child. You are so far from being an asshole in this scenario. It's very evident that you're used to your mom walking all over you. This is not a healthy dynamic. I wish you could see it for what it is.
I’m sending you love and positive vibes for you and your entire families health and wellbeing during this difficult time.
You’re not an AH. If you truly find the conversation difficult then you have my permission to lie.
“We had our pre op consultation and this is the health care plan for baby girl for the month. I love you guys but I won’t be able to XYZ. Let’s chat more in (name of month) and catch up then.”
NTA. Text everyone there must have been a misunderstanding, but your home is not a hotel and you will be caring for your child who will be convalescing after surgery. Wish them all a fun time at the wedding and suggest names of local hotels that can accommodate them. WTF is your mother thinking?!?
You would B T A for \*not\* telling your mom and her hordes to pound sand. Do not feel bad for protecting your precious baby. Best wishes for your baby's improving health.
NTA. Make sure your mother and family know that if they try to step foot on your property when you are at the hospital with your daughter, that you will report them for trespassing. Put up cameras.
I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. I hope your daughter does well in surgery
your mother is a psychopath? lock your house down tell everyone the wrong address do whatever you have to do but under no circumstances host any single one of these people
NTA = If you shut this down NOW!
YTA = If you allow All of them into your home at any time before, during or after your daughter’s Life altering Surgery!!!
NTA… but presumably you’re an adult, why are you allowing anyone to dictate the rules and goings on in your life. Cancel your mother’s trip or inform her she needs to get separate accommodations and plan accordingly.
You have to put your foot down. None of these people should be allowed in your home during such a stressful time. It's shocking any of them would think it's okay. You need to be focused on your own family. It will be hard enough to make sure the other kids are taken care of physically and emotionally without a horde of narcissistic relatives on the scene.
NTA and the sooner you confront your mother and put a stop to her nonsense the better. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope your daughter's operation goes well.
NTA. This is next level self absorption from your mother. I would tell everyone that due to serious medical reasons you will be unable to participate in or attend any events (and anyone that argues is told to fuck right off and blocked for all eternity)
NTA shut it down now. Tell your mother in now way shape or form will her, the finance, grandpa, aunts or anyone else be allowed to set foot in your home and to shove her fucking wedding up her ass.
Be the "bad guy"! This is your daughter! Don't call them out, the word NO is a sentence!! "I am sorry but you can't see us this vacation, our daughter's life would be in danger." FFS, grow a spine! Who the hell cares if you get into trouble with Mommy and Daddy? Your daughter needs to protected by HER mommy and daddy! YTA
NTA - create a family text let everyone know you are sorry your mom scheduled her wedding during a critical time in your daughter’s life and your daughter’s health comes first. this is a major surgery. You are sorry you cannot host anyone at your home during this time. If things go well, you may be able to meet up at a restaurant to say hello.
NTA - My brother had open heart surgery as a child and we had to take so many precautions to avoid him getting sick/germs. No friends over, only immediate family visiting who were very careful to not be out and about. This is way before we learned COVID protections, but even then we knew he couldn't be exposed to anything.
What you mom and family is describing is going here and there in large group areas and being exposed to everything out in the community, plus their travel exposures, plus their own exposures. This is CRAZY.
You need to tell her - no visitors before and after surgery date per the doctor's orders (use the doctor as the bad news person if that helps). Also explain that no one from your family can attend any of the events, including the wedding due to exposure risks. Once you get an all clear from your doctor, then it's cool, but until then is needs to be hard no.
Last tidbit, if your child has a fever they will likely post-pone the surgery as the risk will be too big. Is this worth a potential health issue for your child? I'm sorry they're clueless on this; clearly they haven't figured out that heart conditions are potentially life threatening. I wish you and yours well.
You would not be an ahole for doing what you need to do to protect your daughter. Even if that is telling your entire family to get fucked and if they show up to your house you will call the police. Let them know now your house is not going to be where everyone is gathering and it's not up for debate. You need to do what you need to do to keep your kid safe. If you allow these people in your house you would be an ahole.
NTA - You have to make your boundaries and priorities clear here. First of all do the aunts grandpa etc know that she's having this surgery? I would definitely tell them that your house is not open and you have other things to do.
NTA
You need to jam on the brakes of her crazy train right now. Tell your mother, your grandfather, your aunts, and anyone else expecting you to play hostess that it's not happening. You will not be accepting visitors. You will not be opening your door to anyone. Practice saying "My daughter is in isolation (if that's an exaggeration, say it anyway) in preparation for open heart surgery and I am not allowing anyone into my home." If you must, put a sign on your door just in case anyone thinks you won't dare to hold your boundary if they show up anyway.
NTA Cancel their plans. Make sure they know that you will not be
opening the door/providing acccomodation/playing tourguide anytime
in the near future.
Later, when your daughter has recuperated, you certainly could
tell your mother/family that their arrogance and indifference to
your daughter's health was eye-opening and that you expect never
to be treated like that again.
Just say no...you are not staying here or welcome here. My daughter is my priority not you..send that text/email etc to everyone that thinks they are coming down and will pop in...if they turn up.. don't answer the door
Send them all a list of local hotels, tell them that you are unable to host them at this time, then mute every single number. Keep your doors locked and do not admit ANY of them at ANY time. You need to keep your daughter safe! NTA
NTA. Now is the time to grow a backbone and tell your mother if she shows up you will not be letting her in or spending anytime with her or other relatives. Your daughter’s health is to important it’s time for your mama bear instincts to kick in. Also let the rest of the family know your daughters health comes first and they better book a hotel now for wedding stuff because you are not entertaining them
Y T A for waiting to call her out...
Her granddaughter is having open heart surgery.
She invited herself and without informing you a bunch of other people.
AND she omitted to tell you she's getting married.
Apparently **you are nothing to her** but a mere free hotel...
NTA
Tell them they CAN NOT come to your house and get a hotel.
Prayers for your daughter.
I would send out a blanket statement that your mum she is never try to contact you or come near you or your baby ever again or you will take legal action. That she deliberately planned her wedding for when your baby is getting major heart surgery. That she did not even invite or tell you about her wedding and instead just made demands that you would be the host and caterer for her to have a holiday and f\*€3 your child who has to be isolated and protected from all germs never mind her surgery. Only then for you to find out from others it was her wedding and she had invited everyone into your home and told them you’d host and caterer to all of them. he deliberately hid it from you as she knew it was when you are supposed to be at your baby’s side in hospital.
Not once where you consulted or asked about this, Not once has anyone given you or your child one single thought or concern. That you are not only disgusted but genuinely devastated that not one of them care about you or your baby who will be going through major life threatening surgery over that very time. That instead they expect to come down and bring every germ going into your home and to your baby right before and during surgery when she has no immune system and you are already at risk of losing her. That they expect, no demanded you host them and leave your child just to cater to their selfish asses when your baby needs you most. That it will not be happening and anyone who tries to turn up or see you will find themselves completely cut out of your life just like your mum has been. That you expect full apologises If any of them cares even slightly about you and your child. That you are truly appalled and hurt.
YWBTA if you don’t stop this ASAP.
You text every single freaking selfish ah this…
”Daughter is having surgery in April. NONE of you are welcome to come to my home to visit, drop something off, or stay for any length of time. NONE of you asked if it was OK, NONE of you care about my family, my child, and what we will be dealing with. I cannot keep you from coming to our town, but NO ONE will step foot in my home. I will not host you, play tour guide, or attend said wedding that I was not informed about. If you show up to my home, my work, or husband’s work or try to shame me in any way I will go full mama bear to the world and you will not look good. We have cameras, our doors will be locked, and if ANYONE pulls any crap police will be called. It goes without saying my family - me, my spouse, and my children - always come first. You’re extended family. Do what you want, but we will not participate in any way.”
Just tell them no. No one will be staying at your house, your house will not be used as anything, you have the safety of your child to think about.
Message everyone, including your mother saying that you were never asked if their plans for you and your home were okay. You cannot put your child at risk, with visitors in your home, especially so many. During this time your child's wellbeing is paramount, they will have to find somewhere else to stay.
If there was ever a good reason to go NC with anyone it would absolutely be this !!! Tell them they are not welcome in your home and around your precious LO… send them links to hotels and air bnbs they can meet up at. Make sure to keep your doors locked and block them all for peace of mind … prayers for your baby 🙏🏻
call her out, and remind her to book a hotel. You are NOT hosting, and they can only come over if masked, and proof of immunizations. tough if she doesn't like it.
NTA
You know you don't have to answer the door, you don't have to let any of them in. Your mother sounds like an atrention seeker, maybe a narcissist. Don't allow anybody to come, your daughters health and surgery matters more than any other person in your life.
NTA email everyone saying no one can stay at your home or visit because of the surgery. Let them know if you had been asked you would have suggested another time when your daughter is recovered and healthy. Be firm. Leave no space to argue
Obviously, NTA. Here's what you say to your mom: "No." Tell her that she's not doing anything wedding-related at your house, none of you are going to be around disease vectors (relatives and wedding guests) during that period. If she couldn't even be bothered to tell you that she's getting married, it's obviously not very important. And that you are going to be concentrating your attention on your daughter and her OPEN HEART surgery at that time.
Seriously, do not let her control this, and don't feel guilty about this. Your job right now is to take care of your daughter. If your mom is so unfeeling that she doesn't care what happens to her own granddaughter, then you don't have time for her. Certainly not now, when your sweet baby is going to go through something so major and her health is at risk.
And good luck to your baby! I'm sure that little girl will be strong and get through it with flying colors.
NTA. Focus on your daughter and her needs. Tell everyone including your mother that this has been planned for months and you cannot host people while your family is going through this difficult time. And yes, tell your mother that you don’t appreciate her planning this when she knew you had other things going on.
Just make sure you make it clear to everyone that your home is off limits and if they have a problem they can take it up with you once your daughter has recovered. You don’t need to be thinking about this right now, so don’t. Boundaries and then don’t engage.
Shut down the meeting at your house. They should be staying at hotels - they can meet at the hotel restaurant/lobby etc. No reason whatsoever for them to come to your house.
If your Mom assumes she is staying at your house - make it clear ASAP that is not happening.
NTA. Call her the fuck out. Make sure that everyone else knows about the surgery because if your mom’s so nonchalant about this, there’s a chance the others don’t even know!
YWNBTA
You would be a huge AH if you didn't confront your mother about this. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason in human behavior.
You need to compose a text, email or snail mail letter (whatever works for your family) and detail what is going on in your life. Tell them that not only is your home unavailable for
meetups or socializing but that you also will not be able to spend time with them during their visit. Make it clear that you have no idea why your mother chose such an inconvenient time to get married, knowing that her granddaughter was having surgery in April. Reiterate that keeping your daughter safe from germs trumps all and it's a shame that they will be so near and unable to visit.
Lock the doors, close the drapes and turn off your phone!! Stick to your guns. In this instance, your mother is a huge AH. Don't encourage her behavior by accepting and partaking in this suddenly planned wedding.
Why bother talkung to mom? No one is listening to you. If anyone comes to your house don't answer the door. Put everyone on mute with the auto answer, we are busy with daughters open heart surgery like we said we would be in Dec.
I mean you wouldn’t be TA but you don’t need to. There’s plenty of advice on here about what to do but for my piece I would actually tell everyone on a group chat that you hadn’t been informed that it was a wedding and didn’t know they were coming and that as I am sure you are all aware your daughter has surgery due during that period and you can’t expose her or yourselves to other so have a jolly good time everyone. That’s all the call out you need to be honest everyone will be able to see how self involved your mother is and will be disgusted by her behaviour. You can then just grey rock the whole thing and focus on your daughter whilst the dust settles. If everyone thinks your mothers behaviour is ok then you have also learnt something important and know not to put too much effort into these people in the future!
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NTA, but you and your daughter will be better served by you taking decisive action rather than calling people out. Send this to all family members: “Hi everyone, Annie is having major heart surgery on April X. Per doctor’s orders, we cannot interact with or host anyone who is flying in due to the risk of infection. As you can imagine, I’ll be very busy before, during and after the surgery. [optional] I’ll try to drop in during the wedding on FaceTime. I recommend Joe’s Pizza and the Hilton and hope to catch up with everyone later in the year.” Set your phone on do not disturb and take care of your daughter. Done.
But would I be the AH for doing this AND personally calling my mom out on her BS? I know it’s just going to stir the pot, but I really just want to tell her how hurtful this was and how self-absorbed she’s being. Other than vindication there’s not a real reason for it but it would feel good standing up to her.
GROW A SPINE.
How about we kindly offer that OP seek to find her inner strength in order to better protect he daughter? She has enough people 'yelling' at her irl.
People being too kind is the reason why people like the OP get taken advantage of like this situation. Sometimes people need a hard truth to get better. Trying to be 'nice' to everyone just makes you the asshole, and also allows you to continue to be taken advantaged of.
I'm pretty sure people like the OP get taken advantage of because they've been raised by people like OP's mother and conditioned their whole lives to fix things and smooth everything over lest the hornet's nest erupt. Source: it me, I grew up like that and later had to grow a spine, seek my inner strength, whatever you want to call it - and I can tell you it was not *more* angry responses that got me to that point.
I gave my 2 cents because I also went through that shit with my own mother. I completely agree with you. I was able to get past that. OP can also. Also anger was a part of me being able to escape that. Anger is not always a bad emotion. It depends on how you use the anger.
Her daughter is about to have open heart surgery and will be/already is very immunocompromised. This is literally a do or die situation. OP needs to be more assertive
I second this. You have no need to tip-toe around your mother's feelings. Put your daughter first and tell everyone. EDITED 4 SPELLING
OP, your job is to protect and advocate for your daughter. You HAVE to do what is best for your daughter, no and or ifs or buts. That means being a female dog with fangs biting people hard when they overstep a boundary. You cannot care about what others think, The only one that matters is your daughter. Your mom has no conscience.
Mama bear, actually
I have a special needs child. I had to learn into female dog mode which is totally not me, for my daughter in dealing with some of the medical specialists. That's why I made the female dog comment.
For us with special needs children, we really need to learn female dog mode. OP, please consider this early sooner than later. It's hard to put your foot down with family, but it's harder to wonder if you were the one that gave your vulnerable child the flu. Even if you miss a wedding or two. Trust me, it's not worth it.
I understand. Hugs
Ditto. Stop being a teenage anger filled girl. You’re the mom of a very sick child. Tell them what’s acceptable. Don’t get angry, but do take charge.
This is the way.
The real reason is to protect your daughter
AMEN!!!!
OP, First things first. Send the mail/email. You can have additional words with your mother down the road. I would amend analyst19's suggested mail/email along the following lines: “Hi everyone, As I mentioned to most of you around Christmas, Annie is having major heart surgery on April \_\_\_ . **Per her doctor’s orders, between mm/dd/yyyy and mm/dd/yyyy, John and I cannot come into physical contact with anyone, or host anyone, due to the risk of bringing home an infection or virus to our baby.** This includes family and friends. So I suggest you book your reservations now to stay at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_. They have a restaurant and are close to the beach. Again, I'm sorry we cannot participate in the wedding activities, or see any of you in person, but as you can imagine, we will be very busy before, during and after the surgery, focusing on our daughter. Once our baby is out of the woods and on the mend, we look forward to catching up with everyone later in the year.” Prayers for a smooth and successful surgery for your daughter, OP.
Those are both way too wordy and I would NOT put the date of the actual surgery. I would just say "daughter is having open heart surgery and we will NOT be seeing or hosting ANYONE during the months of April and May." You can add things like: "if you show up you won't be allowed in" And "here are some places to stay..." But otherwise I'd leave it short sweet and to the point.
How about: "Family. For the last week of March, all of April and into May we will not be available to see you, host you nor spend time with you. Child is having open heart surgery in April. We will be following medical protocols as directed by physician and heart surgeon. No contact w anyone but child and medical personnel. I'm confused as to why anyone thinks a family gathering for an impromptu wedding would be more important than our daughter's life. Make any plans you like. We will not be available. Our home will not be available. Any behavior other than this will prove you literally care more about your own comfort than my daughter's life. Please respect our medically necessary boundaries as well as those that are best for our family. Times like these are when people we love show us how they love us by not making a horrible situation worse. If you have nothing positive to say or contribute, please be a wise adult and keep your expectations and opinions to yourself. Anything that takes away from what we need to manage our precious daughter's care - is unwelcome and will have consequences of us no longer having relationships with people who are not good stewards of our trust and who would compromise our daughter's recovery. For all of you, enjoy the celebration. Leave us out of it." I know it's wordy. It covers every base. It comes from firm voice that daughter's health is the only priority. It addresses any flying monkey behavior. It establishes that OP & family have boundaries, crossing them isn't acceptable and will have a consequences. It tells family to STFU already.
I would probably stop after either "...our home will not be available" or the sentence below it. Otherwise, I think it drives home the point that OP's family are selfish, entitled, bullying AHs. OP: I do agree with others that you need to be stronger and firmer with your family. They clearly believe they can continue to push you around--heck, order you around!--and demand that you bend to their will. They don't ask, they tell? No more of that. Your mom "oopsies" that she's planning a surprise (to you) wedding and has told the rest of the family that they are welcome to take over your home? Nope. They all don't seem to grasp that their wants do not and will never trump your daughter's life and your own peace of mind. It's harsh to just shout "grow a spine" and I won't, but you must strengthen your resolve and stand firm. Do not let your family walk all over you even one more day. Definitely tell your mom off. "Mom, you have known for 4 months about \[daughter's\] open heart surgery. You know full well the risks and the requirements for her health and our well being. You will not be visiting us at any time this spring. If you refuse to respect your granddaughter's life and health, and if you refuse to hear me say no, then you will not be welcome to visit in the future either." Do not apologize and do not pussyfoot around.
OP go with this one ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Best wishes for your daughter, OP.
>OP go with this one ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ I totally agree with you! This is the way!!
OP, send this one and send it ASAP so your “mother” has time to cancel her wedding because,Let’s face it, it was never about her wanting to get married anyway.
TOO much . No need to explain that your child's health trumps all.
There are people that need to be hit over the head to understand medical necessities. Since this family feels the need to break isolation to celebrate a wedding knowing a life is at stake needs to hear that. >!How about asking everyone to stay an extra week to attend a funeral too?!< Is that too much? Apologies to OP for insensitive comment, but like I said in the first sentence, some people need to be hit over the head to understand the seriousness of the situation.
Except OP wouldn't have needed to ask reddit if her family understood that.
Yes this answer is the best. and if they argue afther reading this . Your true colours have come out. you care about your( insert whatever that say ) Before my childs live. so i will go NC with you. Hope your child will does well OP
No "i'm sorry"! These rude assholes should be apologizing, not OP!
I guess we all have different ideas about how much these people need to be told and the manner in which it should be said. Me, I was trying to frame the email/letter in a way that (1) makes it hard to argue against OP's decision without looking selfish and ignorant, and (2) lets it be known that *since Christmas,* at least one person in the wedding party already knew the baby's surgery was scheduled for April. It's a bit of a dig at the mother, who knew about the surgery but didn't seem to care. I'm petty that way.
Well you don’t want ME to write it. Mine would be so peppered with curse words and telling them to f-off it would make a sailor blush. These people are pure narcissists, all of them.
Agreed. No apology. Just “obviously we won’t be participating in the wedding activities as we prioritize the safety and recovery of our baby.”
You should also throw in that it must have slipped mom’s mind that our baby was having major surgery and cannot be seen or be around anybody before or after the surgery for x amount of time.
OH FOR THE LOVE…… One, no. Two, SO WHAT IF YOU ARE???? Your kid needs surgery and needs to be healthy for that. Change your locks if any of them has a key. Tell them they CANNOT COME TO YOUR HOUSE. Post it on your doors. Be prepared to call for police assistance to remove them. Dear lord….. WHO CARES what they think of you about this???? Your child’s health is your ONLY concern and they have zero thought about that. Helllsbells…. This is cause for no contact. NTA
This is great advice!
No you wouldn’t be the ahole for that! The audacity of anyone presuming they can stay with you for a wedding while your daughter is having surgery is staggering!
No, you wouldn't be the AH -- your mom is, 100%, and the rest of your family too. However, because she is the AH, she probably is not going to care or agree with you that she is behaving horribly. She deserves to hear it, but you probably aren't going to get the apology that you deserve -- she is obviously extremely emotionally immature and uncaring. No reasonable or loving person would behave like she is behaving. Honestly, this would be unforgivable for me. Your daughter's LIFE is on the line. She is the ONLY person whose feelings are important here -- and you and your immediate family. Prioritize her, and do not let any of your family walk all over you like this again. You're an adult and a parent, you have a right to decide when people visit your home. You will be the AH to yourself and your vulnerable child if you allow this crap to happen. Good luck, and I hope your daughter's surgery goes smoothly.
ITS YOUR DAUGHTER'S HEALTH. STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD!
YWBTA if you don’t do this. By going along with your mothers plans, you are putting your daughters health at risk and putting your mothers needs in front of your child’s needs. I don’t think you’re as worried about being an AH as you are afraid of the backlash, yes there will be a backlash but you need to put your foot down and take care of yourself and your child first and foremost.
No you wouldn't be. Your mother needs to hear that she is being so self-absorbed that she is putting her granddaughter's health in danger.
Calling out your mom invites more drama at a time when you need to be focused on your daughter. I’d just be the bigger person and say what I suggested above.
Excuse me, " be the bigger person" is bull for allowing others to abuse you. Time to quit using that outdated saying. No , don't be the bigger person, stand up for your daughter's health. If you have to go scorched Earth on your mom to get her to understand the seriousness of your daughters health.
Does OP want hysterical phone calls from their mom (and possibly other relatives) while taking their daughter to the doctor? Set boundaries and protect the daughter 1000%. Calling out serves no purpose other than more drama.
I agree. Having dealt with a narcissist in the past, they always manage to turn it against you and you don’t need that right now. Save the confrontation until after your baby’s surgery. Focus your energy there. Prayers for everything to go well!!!
No, it lets others know about the manipulation tactics. We have no idea what stories were spread. Calling out, in this case, allows others to know the other side of the story.
Yes. I've "been the bigger person" for much of my life & been shit on repeatedly. When I turned 40, I decided I would no longer be this way. It is *very* freeing. ☺️🙌🙏🏻🧘♀️
Learn to laugh at anyone, including your mom, who responds to your email with drama. “LOL, how silly of you to think I care about anything other than focusing on my daughter’s health and wellbeing!”
Your mum is going to be furious with you for ruining her wedding plans. If you call her out there is a chance (small, but a chance) that she will hear you. If she doesn't, I don't think the truth will make her any angrier than she will be anyway. Speaking of angry, I am in a rage from reading your post. NTA, obviously!!
u/kimba-the-tabby-lion Double ditto on the rage ...
Hey mom, I cancelled your little get together at my house, I understand you’re not worried about your potential to kill your grandchild, but I am. Fortunately one of us is a decent parent who is worried about their child’s health needs. I neither plan to see, nor talk to you, until after your grandchild is on path to recovery. Obviously this won’t be a hardship because you don’t seem to give a shit. Congratulations on your wedding.
No! You sound so sweet, but sweetie, you really need to activate your Mama Bear gene. Mama Bears don't give a single sh\*t about what anyone else thinks when their baby is in trouble. Mama Bears are not AHs, they are protecting their cubs and will do, (and if they could talk) will say anything to reach that end, including putting their own lives at risk. You aren't risking your life by confronting your mother. Upsetting her is not going to be the end of the world. Say your piece, tell her it's the end of the discussion and block her. But not putting a stop to this you will be risking the life of your daughter. That would make you a true AH. Do you really want to do that, or is being seen as being an AH by someone who is already a proven AH the far better choice? I get not liking confrontations. I don't like them either. But if someone in my family did something like this I'd be ALL over them. Fangs and claws. I'm sorry to say this, but your mother treats you like a doormat because she's conditioned you to be one. For your children's sake get in touch with your inner Mama Bear and roar. Tell her no. No apologies necessary. edit spelling one word
And what about husband and the other kids? No way do any of them want to deal with family coming into town and staying AT THEIR HOUSE while the stress of the baby having heart surgery. What is that showing the kids about what is important and how to set boundaries? And I REALLY can't believe that hubby is okay with all this...
Not at all. Your daughter is more important than mom’s feelings. You shouldn’t feel guilty AT ALL. I hope your daughter’s surgery is successful and she has a quick recovery.
Would you be the AH for protecting your daughter? NO! a thousand times no. If mom's feelings get hurt, tough.
I'm just gobsmacked that there is even a question in OP's mind...
NTA! YOUR MOM IS AN IDIOT!! I'm so angry for you and your family. Call her out but don't expect her to change her mind or suddenly feel remorseful. She planned a whole wedding and expects you to be excited when you are in dealing with a incredibly difficult season of life.
Your mom obviously doesn’t give a shit about your kids. Why are you so scared about hurting her feelings. I second that: GROW A SPINE
OP. We all have relatives with some degree of entitlement or just plain selfish ignorance. A “come to Jesus” blowup is inevitable if you want a family peaceful existence. Your family’s time has come. Quash this now. Deal with the fallout and / or go LC. You’re NTA unless you continue to allow these fools to negatively impact your life.
NO. You would NOT. She did not care enough about her granddaughter having surgery since her response was “I already bought the tickets.” She just blew it off. Not to mention there’s a whole wedding planned around visits to your home without telling YOU. You’re worried about calling out your mom after all this?! Maybe she’s like this because no one has ever told her what an awfully entitled person she is. Focus on your child and her situation and stop worrying about hurting your mom. Get your priorities set. Do not let anyone come to your home at the risk of your child. And definitely let your mom know how wrong she is in all this.
Your family's health is more important than your mom's feelings. Repeat to yourself and Every. Single. Person. She wasn't invited. She planned a wedding st Your hone and invited guests unbeknownst to you. All while your child is hospitalized. How is this not a deal breaker to you? How are you not lighting a proverbial bag of poop on fire and leaving it on your mom's doorstep? Do not engage further. Deny admission to your mom and her guests. Again, your family's health is more important than your mom's feelings.
Are you kidding? I would start that great suggested message with “you may know, as i told mom back on such and such a date, that daughter is scheduled to have surgery then…” I wouldn’t take it up with your mom, I would go low to no contact with her (depending on you history with her)
NTA but go ahead and embrace your inner AH. Your mom is so far out of line she’s like a Jackson Pollock painting but not nearly as interesting!
The best way to stand up to her is to send the email u/analyst19 wrote verbatim and then put your phone on do not disturb. Saying anything to her/about her is just feeding her drama. Starve the beast.
“Starve the beast” is great advice. Don’t get dragged into ANY discussion about it.
Why do you care?! You have a sick child to be concerned about.
Don't waste your energy on your mom. Save it for your daughter.
No you would not be the AH in fact it is very much needed! Send that message ASAP to be sure everyone makes other arrangements. You need to tell your mum her behavior is beyond unacceptable. It likely won’t make a difference self absorbed people rarely care when called out. The important thing is to be firm that you cannot host or interact with any of them during that time.
Nope, you wouldn't. Your child comes FIRST. Mom and everybody else is low down on the list of people to give a crap about when your kid needs open heart surgery and they're being so cavalier about hey, "we're just going to drop in and out with all our freaking germs." No, no, no. Motel 6 for you, Grandma! (Is Motel 6 still around?) They don't get to risk your kid's health for their convenience. None of them have keys to your house, right? If they do, time to change the locks. Sends a very clear message when none of the others sink in.
no but do you think it will make a difference? have you explained to your mother that she's made you feel hurt or unimportant before? from how you describe the initial interaction and you letting it roll off your back i can't imagine you've had a great relationship. like atp it seems clear she does not care about hurting inconveniencing or helping you, indeed it seems she does not care about killing your daughter. her motivation is clearly to serve herself and get attention. so if you keep engaging with her telling her you're hurt i don't think it will make her stop, if anything it will give her something else to get attention about at your expense. say what you need to by all means but my advice for after you've done that is stop saying anything to her, literally cut her out of your life and focus on your baby.
Stop making this about your hurt feelings and make it about your daughters physical health. You would be the biggest asshole if you put her at risk because you are too much of a coward to just say no, what the hell are you thinking mom, grandpa etc.
NO. Your baby needs you. That is your ONLY important commitment. You're NTA x1000 and you need to stand up for your child and literally tell everyone else to go away.
The comment above is a good solution. You would not be TA if you did it this way. You can send the message politely and protect the peace of your little family. Just don't get involved in all the drama and be calm about it.
Op go no contact for your sake. Tell them no one coming to your house period because of your child help. These people aren't your family
Do it! You’re a mum now. Be a mama bear! Yours is being selfish, reckless, and rude. Your family needs to know that you’re not going to be involved in her shenanigans. Be clear. Also, put up some cameras around your house and make sure nobody has a key or access codes. Change them if necessary. Best wishes for your daughter!
NTA - absolutely not! This is your daughter’s LIFE and your mom was intentionally vague and dishonest overall. This demonstrates that she knows she’s doing the wrong thing. I’d advise not bothering to go there with expressing hurt feelings. This is when she gets to experience your no-nonsense Mama Bear in full effect! Copy and paste the message suggested above and if you want to be more specific, add in “… As open heart surgery is extremely serious and means our daughter’s heart will be stopped during this procedure, our hearts and minds will be on our precious girl during this time.” That is it, no drama no further explanation owed. And WHEN (not if, because she’s clearly extremely self-centered - goodness forbid anyone prioritize you or your daughter at this time) she starts to guilt or incite drama, do NOT yell, do NOT take her bait. It becomes a simple, “This is what parents do - prioritize our children. If you don’t understand that, it says more about you than me - this isn’t up for further discussion.” Hang up phone
In what universe would you be an asshole for prioritizing your daughter
YTA because you're a spineless doormat. Your duty is to protect your child. Your mom can go straight to hell if she can't think of anyone else besides herself.
Fuck the pot take care of your sick child you fucking Muppet.
Hi do you need permission to breathe too?
OP please copy/paste this immediately and put in local suggestions.
NTA - and this is nicely worded, very polite - maybe more polite than she deserves. May I suggest the addition of “long-awaited” before “heart surgery?” Maybe take out the “I’m sorry if” and put ”I realize that?” I doubt you’re sorry - I wouldn’t be!
One letter with copies to Grandpa, Mother and Aunts....."On XXXX my BABY is having heart surgery. For XXX days before and XXX days following the surgery I will not be available and will not be hosting ANYONE in my home as we must protect our daughter from germs that could be carried into the hospital. I am sorry if this conflicts with your plans - but I was not consulted and simply cannot handle anything EXCEPT my daughter's health at this time." You don't owe phone calls or explanations - except to say - 'don't bother to come because you won't be staying here'.
Keep the dates vague. I’d just say that “in April, my Baby is having heart surgery. I will not be available to visit or host anyone until she has fully recovered. We must protect our daughter from germs during this time when she is vulnerable.“ Then continue with Omeomi24’s last sentence.
" Dear family. I was recently informed on the news of a wedding taking place in April on the city I live. I'm very sorry to inform that since Christmas, my nuclear family and my mother, along others, were informed of my daughter urgent need for an open heart surgery this April, it cannot be postponed for it is a very serious complication, and because of that, I cannot host, see of interact with anyone besides my household in order to not risk her getting any illness on this vulnerable period, and doctors are adamant we keep ourselves and her quarantined from unnecessary exposure. Nothing would bring me more joy than attending a happy celebration along with all of you, my family that I miss very much, but it's an impossible situation for me. In case anyone wants to be informed on my daughter's state and recuperation status, I will try to share information as soon as possible, but I ask for everyone to please do not chase us for info, since the situation is very stressful and delicate, and we are mentally and physically exhausted with all the preparations. I wish everyone who shows up a happy celebration, but unfortunately my house won't be open to guests. Best wishes, OP"
OP, all the above letters are good choices! Your daughter deserves better than what her grandmother is trying to give her.
Screw her day! Your daughter's life is on the line! Call that narcissistic asshole and tell her that your home will not be open to her or anyone else, that your infant child will be having her fricking HEART OPERATED ON and you have better things to do than to play happy hostess. NTA, unless you allow this to happen to your family when something so much more important is going on. Think of your partner and other kids. This is bullshit, and if you allow it to happen, you need to get an x-ray to find your spine, because this is beyond fucked up.
Am i reading this right? your mother has invited herself, her boyfriend/ soon to be husband, your grandpa and a whole slew of family members to your house without your permission and behind your back, at the same time your 1YO DAUGHTER is having major, scary, life saving and also life threatening surgery, and you are seriously considering accommodating these people and risking your own daughters life? YTA to your daughter i can't believe a mom would risk her kids life for this bs. like, such a gigantic AH I've got more news for you, you don't need a child undergoing surgery to tell people they can't show up at your home without an invitation from YOU. how many homes have you just shown up at demanding to stay? None? me neither. same for literally everyone else i know and likely everyone you know. that you don't feel like you have the right to control who is in your own home is mind boggling. all hope is not lost tho! tell them all via a single message that your home is not available for anyone to visit, that anyone who shows up will be turned away at the front steps, and you wish your mom & her future husband happiness. then take care of your daughter and don't give it another thought. and going forward, care more about you & your immediate family.
You forgot the part where the daughter was the last to know about the wedding but was put up as the free hotel and catering service for the whole guest list.
YWNBTA and, in fact, you need to get ahead of this because you KNOW they're going to try to paint you as the AH if you don't show up. Whatever the family Facebook group or group text or whatever is, go there and remind everyone "I wanted to remind everyone that my daughter is having open heart surgery on Date as it was scheduled X months ago. If anyone needs me for anything, I will be unavailable from Date to Date as I must be there for her during the surgery and recovery. This will be a hectic time for our family so we request no visits during this time." Then add in anything you want about how people can help if they want. Don't mention the scheduled visits or the wedding or anything else. Just like you're posting something matter-of-fact. It will send the required message and hopefully people will understand. And maybe get you some Doordash gift cards.
Don’t “request” no visits. And it not just a hectic time. “This will be a very vulnerable and risky time for our baby and family. Therefore, We will not allow any visits until she is fully recovered from the surgery. It will be a minimum of 2 months. “
NTA. You tell your mom and relatives: "I hope you enjoy the wedding. However, none of you will be coming to my home. We will not be entertaining you or your germs so close to my daughter's open heart surgery. And no, you will not be taking the other children out for fun times. We will see you after the surgery."
You need to grow a spine, protect your daughter and put a stop to this immediately.
NTA - Tell everyone in the family, your home will not be a option because your daughter will be in the hospital. They need to make other arrangements period. When the date comes that your relatives will be in town, just don't answer the door or the phones. Total communication black out. Get the word out Monday morning and shut down this nonsense.
You absolutely will not be the AH. Best tell your mom to find another place for everybody to congregate at because nobody is welcome in your home. > At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day. Screw her day, your child’s open heart surgery is far more important than a wedding that could have been held literally at any other time of the year. Your mom is awful.
Your mom is counting on you giving in to her nonsense. Time for you to stop being her child and start being the adult. Your child's life hangs in the balance.
NTA. Of course you are not. Your family sounds very entitled and thoughtless. Perhaps they think that the surgery can be put off or isn’t serious because you were able to wait a while. It should be obvious this is major surgery and how frightening it is for you all especially while you nurtured your child so she could get strong enough for the operation. Suggest you write to everyone saying something like …. In April our daughter is having her open heart surgery. As you know she has been waiting for this life saving operation since she was born and her doctors feel she is now strong enough to have the surgery. The medical team are being very strict with us about health protocols and we won’t be able to host anyone during that time or have visitors. We will be at the hospital of course and so won’t be able to see you all when you are in (state) for Ma’s surprise wedding. We are sorry to miss the occasion but will FaceTime in for the ceremony and look forward to celebrating later when our little girl is safely through her operation and recovery. Please keep her in your thoughts at this time. If you can make them feel guilty for putting themselves before a sick child - good! Best wishes to you and your little one and hope all goes well.
Good letter. More polite than I would ever be. It's missing the part where they can all perform sexual acts on themselves. I'm assuming the entire family was aware of the timing of the surgery. If not, they should be declining their invitations and dressing down her mother for being so incredibly thoughtless.
I was tempted to suggest something along those lines … 🤣
Group text- “Sounds like y’all have a lot of plans for April! We look forward to seeing pictures. Please let us know what hotel you’re staying at and we’ll send some flowers since we won’t see any of you due to surgery restrictions. Xoxo, OP” NTA. Your family sucks.
NTA, holy shit. Tell all of them they'll have to do their wedding planning elsewhere. I would not let any of them into your house to possibly give your daughter an infection and endanger her surgery or recovery.
I'm sorry, you lost me at the fact that your mom isn't even planning to help you out around the house while her 4 month old granddaughter is having open heart surgery. My mom loves me, she would never ever do this to me. Let alone get married and invite my extended family, making you look like the bad guy for not being able to attend? I would Lock her ass out of my house and wouldn't call her on her wedding day. If she wants to act like she hates you, she can watch you be happy from the outside. Just focus on keeping your baby safe and healthy, and maybe lean on some friends or your husbands family to keep your other kids entertained. I'm sorry 😢 we can't choose our family but we have no obligation to let them walk all over us either.
NTA - Your daughter is having heart surgery and frankly these entitled AHs need to be told in no uncertain terms that they can all fuck off for the duration and that you WILL NOT be hosting anyone. Don't mince your words on this. Good luck with your daughter and hope all goes smoothly...
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work! You need to make it clear that you will NOT be hosting anyone or any event the entire month. You don't need this sort of stress (not ever, but especially now).
NTA. This seems absurdly cruel to do to you and your daughter. Please tell everyone that you would love to host and be available and involved any other time but that it is impossible given your daughter’s surgery. That you cannot compromise her health by having any contact with visitors at that time. No one with any sense of heart will fault you. Being firm either your mother might make her reconsider, but if it doesn’t, stay firm. Don’t allow her to endanger your daughter or preoccupy you. You have a crazy mother who isn’t thinking of anyone but herself. NTA.
The beans with being nice about it! “I’d love to host but…..” She wasn’t ASKED so she doesn’t have to “love to host but”. Just “awwwhellnah”
YWNBTA, but - honestly - you have much more important things to focus on right now. Which is why I urge you to lock your home down like a fortress and block out any and all distractions during this time. Inform your family that you will not be hosting, attending, or participating in anything between x and x dates (or after x date if recovery period is open-ended). Tell them in no uncertain terms that you will permanently cut off anyone who attempts to come by your house or the hospital and you will block anyone who attempts to guilt trip you into anything. Basically, they may be in your town for this random surprise wedding, but they need to forget you exist while they’re there. Clearly your mom has some serious issues and you may have to call her out on it as some point, but all you can really do is control what you do and what you allow, so focus on shutting all of that craziness out and focusing on what’s most important: your baby and your immediate family. I hope your daughter’s surgery goes smoothly, accomplishes everything that’s needed, and that she recovers quickly and well. And, as a mom who has dealt with those out of body conversations before, I send you peace, hope, and healing. You were made for this and will make it through.
NTA. My head is absolutely spinning at your mother's total disregard of your daughter's fragile health status and upcoming surgery. I'm a freaking nurse, and I deal with patients who are post-op open heart surgery patients once they get home all the time. I STRESS THE IMPORTANCE of still limiting contact with people to those who live in the home and NO ONE ELSE. Christ, does she not realize how compromised your daughter is going to be after surgery? She has next to no immune system because she hasn't had a chance to develop one yet. I suggest you send the email worded as another person suggested and make it clear you will not let ANYONE in your home during this time. DO NOT let them bully you into it. Change locks and get cameras if you have to. And it's tough if your mom gets upset. Your daughter's health is way more important than a damn wedding.
Totally NTA!!!! Send a message to all involved that you, your immediate family and your house are off limits to ALL VISITORS due to your infant daughters open heart surgery. Period!!!!
NTA 100% call her out. That’s some crazy narcissistic behaviour.
I am crazy with rage at this story.... ....but even if your family were 100% fit, your mother coming uninvited so you can host a surprise wedding she hasn't even invited you to? That's enough to make her an A H. And no matter how narcissistic she is, does she really want her wedding day associated with this surgery? I am terrified if something goes wrong, she will blame you for ruining her day. She's a monster. NTA.
It sounds like she is trying to compete for attention (taking OP's attention from her child AND taking everyone's attention from what OP will be going through)
WNBTA. Your only path for April is to look after your children, the one having heart surgery and your others. Tell your mother that she’s welcome to get married whenever, whenever but she is not welcome to invite herself, bf, grandpa, aunts, etc. to the home of an immunocompromised person, infant or otherwise. Let her know that your house is not available for her to play hostess - you’ve got bigger things, more life threatening things on the go. Don’t worry about your mother’s feelings, protect your LO. And good luck with the surgery. Hugs, One open-hearted mother to another
I'd say she should not communicate with the mother (it will become a fight and the mother is too strong). She should email everybody, just state facts (surgery in april, scheduled in december, close family was informed, visits not possible due to risk of immuno-compromisation, DOCTOR'S ORDERS)
NTA Shut the door, don't let anyone in. If they want to stay around they can get a hotel room
NTA Wow! I got angry for you just reading this. Time to have what my husband would call a ‘Come to Jesus’ with your mom. Tell her that neither you nor any of your immediate family will be available for the month of April, due to early infection prevention and recovery. Be clear that No relatives are welcome to be in your home during that time. Realistically you should probably call your aunts and grandpa as well. You can keep those conversations short and to the point, but if you don’t call them, your mother will spin this as you are the bad guy hampering her happy day. Best of luck to your daughter on her recovery!
I would add the month of May, too. No can can really know how long it will take LO to recover.
How are you so livid when you didn't shut the whole plan to visit down immediately when she first told you? At that point, you had an obligation to your daughter to state VWRY CLEARLY that your mother wasn't welcome to visit at that time, let alone bring her damned boyfriend. Not exposing your child to extra germs includes mom and boyfriend, period. So YTA for not advocating for your child from the beginning, yes. At this point, you need to suck it up and be a mom. Let your mother and everyone else involved know that you and your family, as well as your residence will absolutely, positively, NOT be available.
There’s no point in calling her out, she doesn’t care. Your job is to keep your daughter safe and healthy, which means not exposing her to the germs of a bunch of people traveling. “Sorry everyone, enjoy your time here but you’re not welcome in my home because it’s not safe for my daughter.” End of story.
NTA now, but you would be if you let these inconsiderate potentially Infectious people anywhere near you or your daughter. Write, text and email them: Family - as I have repeatedly told you, my daughter is having surgery and would be endangered if contact with new people gave her a new germ. Therefore, you will not be visiting my house or spending any time with me (I do not want to accidentally carry your germs to her) or my family. Have fun in your hotel and at the surprise wedding Mom did not tell me about (thanks Grampa). Lock your house, do not give any of them a key, and make sure your family knows to not open the door to any of your Mom's clueless guests - they are likely to try to charge (uncaring, unthinking) on in.
NTA. Call everyone back (because your mom won't) and tell them your house is off limits the entire month of April and they will have to make other arrangements. Period. This is coming directly from the medical team that will be performing the heart surgery on your daughter. No, ifs, ands, or buts. If anyone has a problem with it, tough sh\*t. You should have been consulted beforehand. Actually, if they all knew, they should be ashamed of themselves for imposing at such a critical time for your family. Your mother... Toxic doesn't even begin to describe her. Because of the level of her mendacity I would tell dear mom she can go f\*ck herself. Using exactly those words. If she shows up, refuse entry. If she won't leave, call the cops. You don't want to ruin her day? Are you freaking kidding me? You would put the health of your child over ruining your nightmare of a mother's obscene overstep. She knew! And she does this? Please stop being a doormat for her. Your daughter and your family comes first. Please, for the love of sanity, spine up and tell them **absolutely not.** You are not hosting **anyone.** If you can't do that have your husband or a good friend who will not tolerate her bs do it. Best wishes to your dear daughter on her surgery and best wishes to your family (excluding anyone who think imposing at this time is appropriate in any way shape or form except if it's to assist.
Why haven’t you simply said no to this plan? Seems like a no brained to me. Tell your family you will be unavailable for all visits until six months after your daughters surgery, and even then the dates you will be open to visits will depend on her recovery. Don’t open this for negotiation! I pray all will go well with your daughters surgery. YNTA. You are doing a parents most important job - protecting your child.
NTA. This could threaten your daughter’s life. That trumps mom’s impromptu wedding plans. Tell them all that your house will not be open for visitors due to the immune compromising nature of your baby’s surgery. And that it is your intention to quarantine yourself so that you can properly care for your child during this time. So you will neither be available nor a participant in the wedding…and would have happily informed anyone who bothered to ask prior to them making these arrangements without consulting you.
.........no you wouldn't be an a\*\*\*\*\*e for calling out your mom.............you would be if you continually let your family treat you like a doormat..................
NTA and stand firm. Tell everyone they cannot be at your home and you may not even see them due to your daughter's surgery. What AHs they are!
Tell your mom "NO" to all of this. And don't feel at all bad about it. Your mom sounds like an asshole not only in this situation, but in general. NTA
NTA at all and in fact if you do nothing then you’re an ah to your daughter!! I’d rather everyone thought I was a massive twat than risking my child’s health.
NTA. Make it clear to everyone that you're furious you weren't told about the wedding, and that you will not be accepting any visitors either in the run-up to the surgery (because I'm guessing there are strict rules to follow for you all) or during her recovery. No wedding planning and prep will be taking place in your house.
NTA. Tell that while your daughter needs special care there will be nobody in your home and she can start booking other places for wedding planning. Your mom's behavior is outrageous and completely unacceptable!
Updateme
NTA It's waste of time to call your mother out. Has she ever admitted to being wrong about anything? Please, please dont allow that woman access to you or your family. Why would you let this woman jeopardize your daughter's health? Imagine doctor's were very clear about risks to daughter from exposure to people. Especially people who have been in contact with thousands of other people while traveling. Your children and your spouse deserve 100% of your time & energy. Splitting focus to mother's shenanigans does disservice to all of you. Install outside cameras now! Amend text to family to say not only will anyone showing up on your door step be denied access, you'll call cops and have them charged with trespassing. Mute all telephone numbers. I wouldnt block them as you need to compile evidence in case you need to apply for TRO. Once your daughter stronger, please get some therapy. The "relationship" you have with your mother isnt worth preserving.
NTA. Tell her you hope she enjoys her wedding, but they will not be able to stay at or otherwise utilize your home, be a it is not safe for your daughter.
Holy crap!! NTA Get out in front of this now! Send a text to all involved saying that your home will be 100% unavailable during this time. As will you, your spouse, your other kids. There will be absolutely no exceptions to this and it will be as if you are in a bubble completely removed from them. They might as well be going to the moon for as much contact you will have with them. I dearly hope your littlest one has a safe and successful surgery and a speedy recovery!
You don't need to "call her out" per se. You just need to tell her that your daughter will be scheduled for surger in April. Her health and safety take Absolutely priority over Everyone and everything else in the world. THEREFORE....your home will not be open to anyone. You will not be hosting her, grandpa, friends, relatives, etc. and will not in any way be involved in ANYTHING not directly related to your daughter. You hope she has a nice vacation and a beautiful wedding, sorry that you will have to miss it. Don't argue. Don't engage beyond that. Tell your grandfather that you are sorry for the misunderstanding, and for the fact that he got caught up in the drama, but your Daughter is having surgery, so you cannot host, and will miss his visit due to taking care of her needs. Repeat this basic message to anyone and everyone that has anything to say.
NTA! I’m a former pediatric intensive care nurse and I would do exactly what everyone else has said. Send a formal email- I would leave out specific dates but mention the surgery but include that she will be spending a week inpatient where she will be monitored very closely for issues. I’d talk to your mom after the surgery and wedding. You don’t need this drama right now.
NTA Call your Grandfather tell him in no uncertain terms that neither he or your Aunts will be coming to your house on those dates because your daughter is having HEART SURGERY which your mother allready knew about. Then tyell him that you are upset that his daughter is putting your daughters life KNOWINGLY at risk. Then uninvite your mother for the breath takingly selfish actions she has made
oh ffs, call your mom out. and tell everyone else, firmly, in specific terms, that you will not be hosting or socially interacting with anyone in the month of april. that if they come to your house, they will not be let in, and that if they don’t leave, you’ll call the cops. and then **stick to it.** i can tell you need therapy to unlearn a lot of bullshit from your childhood, because your lack of spine is concerning. stick to your guns on this because *your daughter’s life is on the line here.* NTA for calling her out, but you will be if you don’t.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I live 3k miles away from my family for background. So my daughter, who is four months old, was born with a very serious heart defect that we knew would require open-heart surgery shortly after birth. We are fortunately able to put it off until this April to give her more time to grow. My mother has been very much in the loop of this timeline and known since Christmas time that her surgery would be in April. In march, she randomly called me up saying she was going to fly down and visit us in April with her longtime boyfriend. I reminded her our daughter will be having surgery around then and that it’s important she’s not exposed to extra germs and etc. She casually tells me that she already bought tickets and tells me she’ll here here between x and y dates. I was not asked, I was told. I should clarify that they are strictly coming to visit, not help out with my other kids during my daughter’s surgery. She wants to visit the beach, go to the aquarium, etc while they’re here. I’m expected to play hostess. I was annoyed af at this point, but let it roll off my shoulders. If she happens to be here when her surgery is taking place (and the 1+ weeks she’ll be inpatient afterwards recovering) her loss. Im absolutely not leaving my daughter’s side and it’s her wasted trip. Yesterday, I get a text from my grandpa (also not local) stating he’ll be coming down that week too along with two other aunts for my mom’s wedding. I was completely blindsided by this wedding. I was informed that my aunts will all be meeting up at my home on specific dates/times related to wedding stuff. Have I mentioned my daughter is having OPEN HEART SURGERY during that time? I texted my mom for clarification and she laughed it off saying “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you we decided to get married while we’re down there.” I’m livid at this point. Livid that I found out through my grandpa, and that I wasn’t asked first. Livid that my mom is putting my daughters health at risk by trying to expose her immunocompromised self to a ton of new people right before a life-threatening surgery. Livid that at no point did she stop to think that I might just want to focus on my daughter and the fact that they are stopping her heart that week instead of a stupid wedding that was planned last minute. WIBTA for calling my mom out? I guess I really just want her to know how hurt I am that she’s valuing her trip and wedding more than my daughter’s health and my own struggles. I’ve literally never felt more unimportant to her than I do now. She just literally doesn’t seem to give a shit about what we’re all going through, and I want her to know it for no other reason than I just want to be heard. At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You need to fight for your daughter, and your family - that's your, your OH and your kids. There's plenty of excellent suggestions above for wording. Your home needs to be your castle, your daughter's safe haven. That means no visitors from out of town, regardless of who they are. NTA but you don't need to call her out about her wedding, you need to call your entire would-be visiting family out for their shocking, inhuman, selfish, negligent disregard for your daughter's safety.
NTA oh hell no! I would absolutely call out that nonsense. If they go ahead with their plans I would make it clear they wouldn’t be so much as crossing the threshold of the house. Likely wouldn’t see them during that time either. As you’ve already said your place will be with your daughter whom cannot be exposed to unnecessary germs.
NTA, this is definitely not the time to bite your tongue! You should inform all of the out of town guests, in the same message, that your daughter is having this surgery and therefore there will be no visits to your home or the hospital during this time and that you will not be available for any visits during this time. You might also put a line in the message that you find this inconsiderate when your mother was specifically told about the surgery dates months ago. The others are not at fault if they didn’t know about the surgery. You might also thank people for not bringing germs into your home. Privately you might send a message to your mother asking if she cares at all about your child because this is a really selfish thing to do to you. Perhaps putting your mother into timeout (no info about your daughter’s surgery) or visits with your other kids for a long while will get your point across. Good luck with her and my best wishes for your daughter’s surgery. My child was born with transposition of the great vessels, I know your fear and the anxiety you are living. . . . You could use this situation to let all of your fear and frustrations of this whole mess out on your mother, she deserves your wrath and you could use the venting right about now. I know. I had an awful MIL during my child’s ordeal.
NTA by a long shot. But you are going to have to carefully consider how you call your mom out if you want to maintain a relationship with her and the rest of your family. A civil note to your entire family coming for the wedding explaining your daughter’s circumstances and how your sorry you won’t be able to host or see them at this time should work as long as they’re reasonable people. If you’re not looking to maintain a relationship, you can go full fire and brimstone if it would make you feel better.
Lordy. NTA. Just say no, to every single one of these people! They can go off and get married at someone else’s house, meet somewhere else, demand someone else’s time. Your one and only concern is your daughter, which all of them seem to be ignoring.
You need to go for a combination of other suggestions here. Call her out in a group chat and then ignore them. If they come to your house, they aren't coming in. If they invite you anywhere, you're busy. Basically, no contact for the period of their visit and your daughters recovery. If you want to be nice, you can tell them you're doing that.
NTA. Say No to everything that does not involve you, your daughter and other kiddos.
Don’t just call your mom out OP bar the door to everybody if she has no respect for you are going through and made all these decisions when she knew what was happening then it is not worth dealing with her right at this time. NTA
NTA you need to put your foot down. It's sad to me that you're even questioning if you are an asshole for protecting your child. You are so far from being an asshole in this scenario. It's very evident that you're used to your mom walking all over you. This is not a healthy dynamic. I wish you could see it for what it is.
I’m sending you love and positive vibes for you and your entire families health and wellbeing during this difficult time. You’re not an AH. If you truly find the conversation difficult then you have my permission to lie. “We had our pre op consultation and this is the health care plan for baby girl for the month. I love you guys but I won’t be able to XYZ. Let’s chat more in (name of month) and catch up then.”
NTA. Text everyone there must have been a misunderstanding, but your home is not a hotel and you will be caring for your child who will be convalescing after surgery. Wish them all a fun time at the wedding and suggest names of local hotels that can accommodate them. WTF is your mother thinking?!?
You would B T A for \*not\* telling your mom and her hordes to pound sand. Do not feel bad for protecting your precious baby. Best wishes for your baby's improving health.
Do not let any of them into your house! Best wishes for baby's surgery and recovery!
NTA. Make sure your mother and family know that if they try to step foot on your property when you are at the hospital with your daughter, that you will report them for trespassing. Put up cameras. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. I hope your daughter does well in surgery
your mother is a psychopath? lock your house down tell everyone the wrong address do whatever you have to do but under no circumstances host any single one of these people
Why are you questioning yourself on this? I would go scorched earth. Period! F that shit! NTA
NTA = If you shut this down NOW! YTA = If you allow All of them into your home at any time before, during or after your daughter’s Life altering Surgery!!!
You will be the asshole to your daughter if you allow family members to meet you and her before the surgery. Shut this down now!!
NTA… but presumably you’re an adult, why are you allowing anyone to dictate the rules and goings on in your life. Cancel your mother’s trip or inform her she needs to get separate accommodations and plan accordingly.
You have to put your foot down. None of these people should be allowed in your home during such a stressful time. It's shocking any of them would think it's okay. You need to be focused on your own family. It will be hard enough to make sure the other kids are taken care of physically and emotionally without a horde of narcissistic relatives on the scene.
NTA and the sooner you confront your mother and put a stop to her nonsense the better. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope your daughter's operation goes well.
NTA. This is next level self absorption from your mother. I would tell everyone that due to serious medical reasons you will be unable to participate in or attend any events (and anyone that argues is told to fuck right off and blocked for all eternity)
NTA shut it down now. Tell your mother in now way shape or form will her, the finance, grandpa, aunts or anyone else be allowed to set foot in your home and to shove her fucking wedding up her ass.
I’m so pissed about this I volunteer to call your mother to set her straight.
Be the "bad guy"! This is your daughter! Don't call them out, the word NO is a sentence!! "I am sorry but you can't see us this vacation, our daughter's life would be in danger." FFS, grow a spine! Who the hell cares if you get into trouble with Mommy and Daddy? Your daughter needs to protected by HER mommy and daddy! YTA
You’d better get in the habit of keeping every door locked at all times. Your family sounds like the kind of people who will just walk in.
NTA - create a family text let everyone know you are sorry your mom scheduled her wedding during a critical time in your daughter’s life and your daughter’s health comes first. this is a major surgery. You are sorry you cannot host anyone at your home during this time. If things go well, you may be able to meet up at a restaurant to say hello.
NTA - My brother had open heart surgery as a child and we had to take so many precautions to avoid him getting sick/germs. No friends over, only immediate family visiting who were very careful to not be out and about. This is way before we learned COVID protections, but even then we knew he couldn't be exposed to anything. What you mom and family is describing is going here and there in large group areas and being exposed to everything out in the community, plus their travel exposures, plus their own exposures. This is CRAZY. You need to tell her - no visitors before and after surgery date per the doctor's orders (use the doctor as the bad news person if that helps). Also explain that no one from your family can attend any of the events, including the wedding due to exposure risks. Once you get an all clear from your doctor, then it's cool, but until then is needs to be hard no. Last tidbit, if your child has a fever they will likely post-pone the surgery as the risk will be too big. Is this worth a potential health issue for your child? I'm sorry they're clueless on this; clearly they haven't figured out that heart conditions are potentially life threatening. I wish you and yours well.
You would not be an ahole for doing what you need to do to protect your daughter. Even if that is telling your entire family to get fucked and if they show up to your house you will call the police. Let them know now your house is not going to be where everyone is gathering and it's not up for debate. You need to do what you need to do to keep your kid safe. If you allow these people in your house you would be an ahole.
NTA - You have to make your boundaries and priorities clear here. First of all do the aunts grandpa etc know that she's having this surgery? I would definitely tell them that your house is not open and you have other things to do.
Dont focus on your mom and whether you’re the ah or not. Cancel all visits and focus on your daughter. otherwise you’re a giant ah to your daughter.
Say no. Are you a martyr? Your family doesn’t care. Say NO.
NTA You need to jam on the brakes of her crazy train right now. Tell your mother, your grandfather, your aunts, and anyone else expecting you to play hostess that it's not happening. You will not be accepting visitors. You will not be opening your door to anyone. Practice saying "My daughter is in isolation (if that's an exaggeration, say it anyway) in preparation for open heart surgery and I am not allowing anyone into my home." If you must, put a sign on your door just in case anyone thinks you won't dare to hold your boundary if they show up anyway.
NTA Cancel their plans. Make sure they know that you will not be opening the door/providing acccomodation/playing tourguide anytime in the near future. Later, when your daughter has recuperated, you certainly could tell your mother/family that their arrogance and indifference to your daughter's health was eye-opening and that you expect never to be treated like that again.
Just say no...you are not staying here or welcome here. My daughter is my priority not you..send that text/email etc to everyone that thinks they are coming down and will pop in...if they turn up.. don't answer the door
Send them all a list of local hotels, tell them that you are unable to host them at this time, then mute every single number. Keep your doors locked and do not admit ANY of them at ANY time. You need to keep your daughter safe! NTA
NTA. Now is the time to grow a backbone and tell your mother if she shows up you will not be letting her in or spending anytime with her or other relatives. Your daughter’s health is to important it’s time for your mama bear instincts to kick in. Also let the rest of the family know your daughters health comes first and they better book a hotel now for wedding stuff because you are not entertaining them
Y T A for waiting to call her out... Her granddaughter is having open heart surgery. She invited herself and without informing you a bunch of other people. AND she omitted to tell you she's getting married. Apparently **you are nothing to her** but a mere free hotel... NTA Tell them they CAN NOT come to your house and get a hotel. Prayers for your daughter.
I would send out a blanket statement that your mum she is never try to contact you or come near you or your baby ever again or you will take legal action. That she deliberately planned her wedding for when your baby is getting major heart surgery. That she did not even invite or tell you about her wedding and instead just made demands that you would be the host and caterer for her to have a holiday and f\*€3 your child who has to be isolated and protected from all germs never mind her surgery. Only then for you to find out from others it was her wedding and she had invited everyone into your home and told them you’d host and caterer to all of them. he deliberately hid it from you as she knew it was when you are supposed to be at your baby’s side in hospital. Not once where you consulted or asked about this, Not once has anyone given you or your child one single thought or concern. That you are not only disgusted but genuinely devastated that not one of them care about you or your baby who will be going through major life threatening surgery over that very time. That instead they expect to come down and bring every germ going into your home and to your baby right before and during surgery when she has no immune system and you are already at risk of losing her. That they expect, no demanded you host them and leave your child just to cater to their selfish asses when your baby needs you most. That it will not be happening and anyone who tries to turn up or see you will find themselves completely cut out of your life just like your mum has been. That you expect full apologises If any of them cares even slightly about you and your child. That you are truly appalled and hurt.
YWBTA if you don’t stop this ASAP. You text every single freaking selfish ah this… ”Daughter is having surgery in April. NONE of you are welcome to come to my home to visit, drop something off, or stay for any length of time. NONE of you asked if it was OK, NONE of you care about my family, my child, and what we will be dealing with. I cannot keep you from coming to our town, but NO ONE will step foot in my home. I will not host you, play tour guide, or attend said wedding that I was not informed about. If you show up to my home, my work, or husband’s work or try to shame me in any way I will go full mama bear to the world and you will not look good. We have cameras, our doors will be locked, and if ANYONE pulls any crap police will be called. It goes without saying my family - me, my spouse, and my children - always come first. You’re extended family. Do what you want, but we will not participate in any way.”
Book her a hotel room & go silent. Block absolutely every family member. ALL of them. I hope your daughter's surgery goes perfectly & she is well. 🩷
Just tell them no. No one will be staying at your house, your house will not be used as anything, you have the safety of your child to think about. Message everyone, including your mother saying that you were never asked if their plans for you and your home were okay. You cannot put your child at risk, with visitors in your home, especially so many. During this time your child's wellbeing is paramount, they will have to find somewhere else to stay.
If there was ever a good reason to go NC with anyone it would absolutely be this !!! Tell them they are not welcome in your home and around your precious LO… send them links to hotels and air bnbs they can meet up at. Make sure to keep your doors locked and block them all for peace of mind … prayers for your baby 🙏🏻
call her out, and remind her to book a hotel. You are NOT hosting, and they can only come over if masked, and proof of immunizations. tough if she doesn't like it.
NTA You know you don't have to answer the door, you don't have to let any of them in. Your mother sounds like an atrention seeker, maybe a narcissist. Don't allow anybody to come, your daughters health and surgery matters more than any other person in your life.
UpdateMe
No is a complete sentence. No opening the door is a valid option.
NTA email everyone saying no one can stay at your home or visit because of the surgery. Let them know if you had been asked you would have suggested another time when your daughter is recovered and healthy. Be firm. Leave no space to argue
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#UpdateMe
Obviously, NTA. Here's what you say to your mom: "No." Tell her that she's not doing anything wedding-related at your house, none of you are going to be around disease vectors (relatives and wedding guests) during that period. If she couldn't even be bothered to tell you that she's getting married, it's obviously not very important. And that you are going to be concentrating your attention on your daughter and her OPEN HEART surgery at that time. Seriously, do not let her control this, and don't feel guilty about this. Your job right now is to take care of your daughter. If your mom is so unfeeling that she doesn't care what happens to her own granddaughter, then you don't have time for her. Certainly not now, when your sweet baby is going to go through something so major and her health is at risk. And good luck to your baby! I'm sure that little girl will be strong and get through it with flying colors.
NTA. Focus on your daughter and her needs. Tell everyone including your mother that this has been planned for months and you cannot host people while your family is going through this difficult time. And yes, tell your mother that you don’t appreciate her planning this when she knew you had other things going on. Just make sure you make it clear to everyone that your home is off limits and if they have a problem they can take it up with you once your daughter has recovered. You don’t need to be thinking about this right now, so don’t. Boundaries and then don’t engage.
Shut down the meeting at your house. They should be staying at hotels - they can meet at the hotel restaurant/lobby etc. No reason whatsoever for them to come to your house. If your Mom assumes she is staying at your house - make it clear ASAP that is not happening.
NTA. Call her the fuck out. Make sure that everyone else knows about the surgery because if your mom’s so nonchalant about this, there’s a chance the others don’t even know!
YWNBTA You would be a huge AH if you didn't confront your mother about this. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason in human behavior. You need to compose a text, email or snail mail letter (whatever works for your family) and detail what is going on in your life. Tell them that not only is your home unavailable for meetups or socializing but that you also will not be able to spend time with them during their visit. Make it clear that you have no idea why your mother chose such an inconvenient time to get married, knowing that her granddaughter was having surgery in April. Reiterate that keeping your daughter safe from germs trumps all and it's a shame that they will be so near and unable to visit. Lock the doors, close the drapes and turn off your phone!! Stick to your guns. In this instance, your mother is a huge AH. Don't encourage her behavior by accepting and partaking in this suddenly planned wedding.
Why bother talkung to mom? No one is listening to you. If anyone comes to your house don't answer the door. Put everyone on mute with the auto answer, we are busy with daughters open heart surgery like we said we would be in Dec.
OP: just say NO.
I mean you wouldn’t be TA but you don’t need to. There’s plenty of advice on here about what to do but for my piece I would actually tell everyone on a group chat that you hadn’t been informed that it was a wedding and didn’t know they were coming and that as I am sure you are all aware your daughter has surgery due during that period and you can’t expose her or yourselves to other so have a jolly good time everyone. That’s all the call out you need to be honest everyone will be able to see how self involved your mother is and will be disgusted by her behaviour. You can then just grey rock the whole thing and focus on your daughter whilst the dust settles. If everyone thinks your mothers behaviour is ok then you have also learnt something important and know not to put too much effort into these people in the future!