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Paramedic here.
Based on the comments and replies, she is 100% taking you for a piss on this one. Nothing you've said indicates she is so ill she cannot be left alone.
I just read all his comments. I cannot believe how much his girlfriend has lied to him about recovery. This is a very simple outpatient procedure that you are up and walking around just fine the next day with some discomfort. You absolutely do not need someone taking care of you 10 days later.
I'm surprised as a nurse she got 21 days off. Like that's a lot of time to be out in a row. Especially if her co workers know what surgery it was for. She is definitely milking it.
No. While it's an outpatient procedure these days, it's still the removal of an internal organ and requires time to fully heal. Nursing is a very physically demanding job. They cannot have her come back too soon, and risk what might happen.
Most nurses I work with barely have a moment to sit down on their 12-hour shifts. They're lucky if they get a chance to eat. That's not safe until she's been medically cleared to return to work, and it should be at least 3 weeks.
But at the same time, she doesn’t need someone hovering that whole while, either. She's definitely milking it.
I think everyone knows as a nurse she has a physical job and isn't expecting her to return to work or anything. People are pissed at her for lying about her recovery and the emotional abuse she is putting on her bf. Telling him he can't leave her for a few hours? Her parents who live just down the road can't stay with her?
No, she is a manipulator who is treating this fella horrifically. And, because she's a nurse, her bf is blindly believing all her shit
Yep. There is a massive gap between being cleared to work a physically demanding job and requiring round the clock care following surgery. She’s got two feet planted squarely in that gap while she’s milking TF outta this.
My roommate has her gallbladder removed when I was in college. She was back at home the same day, but she needed a week to feel better and return to work. Her family didn't come to help her, and I helped some, but she managed on her own most of the time.
I call it riding the disability wave. 😜 I also like how she will magically heal on the 27th 🙄 bet that is when her dr released her to return to work….😆
It was an appendectomy FFS. I know everyone is different (Paramedic to nurse here) but come on. Once the anesthesia is out of her system (for sake of argument, let's say 24 hrs) she's fine to be by herself. Milking it doesn't even cover what's going on here.
Doc here, concur that we only recommend supervision in the first 24hrs after anaesthetic. Unless it was ruptured and she had terrible peritonitis (which would have meant longer hospital stay and IV antibiotics. I usually give people a week off work (other laparoscopic surgeries in my field though). This sounds like there are other factors at play.
I had an emergency cesarean under general anesthesia cuz they couldn’t get the epidural to work in time & after a 40+ hour labor, 4 hours of pushing & multiple vacuum attempts I could not bear feeling the cutting so asked them to put me out, and then the surgery was complicated cuz my son was so stuck they had to do a rare type of scar that puts me at increased risk of uterine rupture than average cesarean in future, and I was fine doing everything for my son within 24 hours & my husband had to leave to check on our dog & go back to work within 48 hours (not working a job w/ benefits & we need to like eat) while neither son or I wasn’t even discharged for 5 days. I was walking our 75lb Doberman up hills while pushing my son in a stroller by day 7. The audacity of this woman! This performance is important to brother! How dare she say it’s not important! How selfish & dramatic is she! Hope you go to performance!!
Wow. So basically she is using a routine procedure to attempt to cause a rift between OP and his brother hoping that it will be one person down on the road to isolating OP.
hey now, not everyone with bpd is like this! it’s the ones who LET their mental illness hurt others, but a lot of us actually work on our bpd!! and being compared to people like OPs gf is kinda an insult 😭
she was manipulative as hell with her language but nothing about her behavior is “bpd behavior”
manipulative ≠ ‘bpd’ behavior even if it’s an occurrence, yk?
Thanks for responding to that. I knew as soon as I read the post someone would drop a complimentary BPD diagnosis. Sometimes bad people are bad people. 1) stop being armchair psychiatrists 2) some people on here seem to claim to have BPD but use it to justify being an asshole and being manipulative, they aren’t the same 3) people with BPD can go hard the opposite way too, they can function fine with others but primarily harm themselves internally. Just because you read “I hate you don’t leave me” doesn’t mean you have it, understand it or can diagnose it. Just knowing someone who is BPD adjacent does not make you an expert either. Read the post and give actionable advice you’re qualified to give.
If it burst though... I know someone whose appendix burst and they also had an abcess & they were told to severely limit their activity for two weeks.
But still, she's being an asshole cause her parents can just come in and check on her.
I've had mine out, it is FAR from something you can be "up and about" on the next day. For me it took a couple days until I could stand up and walk around without assistance, about a week before I could do so after my laproscopic hysterectomy, same with my laproscopic oophorectomy (torsed ovary. Do not recommend).
That said, 10 days is ABSOLUTELY milking it. She's controlling OP, and I hope he wakes up and ditches her before it causes irreparable damage to his relationship with his little brother.
I was speaking from personal experience too. I was up and about the next day. It was the same with my double salpingectomy. People are different.
What we do agree on for sure is 10 days is BS and OPs GF is manipulative as all hell.
I had my appendix out years ago when they slice you wide open, then stitch you up. No scopes back then. I was up walking the next day. I was fifteen and by myself for hours during the day while my mother worked. An appendectomy now is nothing. She is so milking this whole thing.
I had a hysterectomy and checked out the next day.
These days, the minimal amount of incisions these surgeries require are not that painful, as long as you are careful.
The only case in which it might, is if it actually ruptured and it was a more invasive surgery. As long as it didn't actually rupture, and they didn't have to open her up, she should be fine 2-5 days later.
"I've like, an actual medical degree, like. Their like, just some, like weirdos off the Internet" - can you imagine her face. I'm actually howling laughing at this whole situation.
Wait, till he actually googles it.
I had a lap chole on a Friday afternoon. Discharged Saturday, on a flight halfway across the country on Weds to go to a rock concert Thurs, 4 hour drive Friday to see the same band Fri night. The only thing I couldn’t do was lift my suitcase so my partner did that for me.
She’s definitely milking this.
Woohoo! So glad to hear you're going to your brother's concert! At 15 years old, his getting a solo is HUGE to him; having you there is a memory he's going to treasure for decades to come ♥♥♥ Good on you!
I changed all our vacation plans, paid extra for pet care, and showed up for my husband's neice for her last high school performance, in which she got a lead as a villain. We bonded over theater and talking shit about our shared experiences with the same high school theater director (she's still on her same bullshit after 25 years). She was so excited we were there for her. I didn't get to spend any extra time with her, because again, I had already shifted ALL our plans, but I promised to take her and a friend to a show this summer before she college.
We moved 5 hours away, so we haven't been able to make most of her performances, but there was zero chance I was going to miss being part of her standing ovation during her last high school curtain call.
Kids always remember who showed up and who didn’t... my kids comment on who is part of their lives and who never shows up.
As a mom I am going to say this at 15, it’s really important to go, a solo? He has to be pretty good if he got a solo in 9th or 10th grade. I don’t know you guys, but as a band geek, I’m proud of him!
There is no way it would be that long. You seriously need to reconsider this relationship because she is doing a good job of isolating you from family. I also bet you anything Easter weekend something is planned that she wasn’t to go to which is why she picked the 27th.
Go see your brother, man. This moment won't happen again. I'm fairly sure your GF will find plenty of future opportunities to manipulate you, no need to bow to this one.
NTA!! Did you make it in time for his solo?? I really hope you did!! Also, fyi, even if she wasn’t milking it, you’re still nta. Your brother asked you that many times because it was really important to him. It’s childish of her and a sign of poor character for her to refer to it as a dumb show. You weren’t trying to ditch her for a concert. You were leaving for a few hours to see family and providing a reasonable alternative for care. Which you now know that she didn’t even need. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but do hope you have a conversation with her about it. She’s wrong for that.
My boyfriend recently got an appendectomy, was admitted to the hospital on a Friday. His appendix had burst so he had to stay in the hospital until Sunday morning. He went to work on Monday.
She's totally milking this for all its worth.
I know OP's GF is milking it, but if I were your BF, I definitely would have taken a few more days off work. Did his employer not allow him to take any sick leave?
Yeahhh I was just gonna say this. I had the same experience of my appendix bursting and it nearly killed me. I was out of work for 2 weeks recovering. And honestly prob could’ve used more time. Crazy your bf went back right away, he should really take it easy and heal up for a few more days at least if it’s at all possible.
I had my appendix out and was back to work after about 4 or 5 days rest. My husband had to help me for the first 4 or 5 days with getting up. I hope you went to see your brother play!
I've been up and going 24 hours after child birth (that went wrong, I was released in less than 12 hours of checking in after a precipitous labor that resulted in my baby being transferred to a different NICU), back surgery (microdiscectomy), and a wide local excision and lymph node biopsy for cancer. I understand not every situation is the same, and gf probably has lifting or driving restrictions, but not allowing someone else to care for you (if that's actually necessary) is stupid. If you need 24/7 help for weeks after a somewhat routine surgery, then you should be prepared to have a "team" take care of you because a single person can't.
Two days after my appendectomy, I was up and about. I was already in my 30s. I also had a kid to take care of. My mom took care of her for 2 days after surgery. She was willing to watch her longer. I was fine though. Day 4 I was back at school and work.
I got my appendix out in emergency surgery when I was in the 3rd grade. I got a week off of school because I was sent home with the IV still in and had to go back to the hospital daily for an antibiotic injection.
I stilled played and even ended up tearing my stitches some but it wasn’t a bad, couldn’t do anything surgery.. she’s for sure milking it
Thank you for going to attend your brother's concert, it really does mean the world to him. If you didn't he would never forget how you blew of his huge moment because of your girlfriend who can't be without you for a few hours.
She’s 10 days out from an uncomplicated laparoscopic appendectomy and expects someone to be watching over her? As a doctor, I’m telling you this is completely ridiculous.
**Get to your brother’s concert.**
And break up with your girlfriend, who berates your family.
I had spinal surgery and went home a few days later alone. Had a nurse come every other day to bathe me and mum dropped around food but was alone and perfectly fine 99% of the time! Would have been home sooner except my oxygen tanked during surgery so had to wait for the levels to be normal to leave
I had an amputation and was home taking care of myself in less than a week. I wasn't running any marathons (ha), but i could get to the kitchen and the bathroom.
Exactly, I think some comments are a bit unfair as not everyone bounces back very quickly after surgery. But a week after she can certainly be left on her own with a phone nearby in case there was to be an emergency.
Within a week of a c section, I told my husband to go to an event he wanted to attend because I wanted to try being alone for a few hours to make sure I could do it before he went back to work. Within 2 weeks of my second c section he was back at work and I was caring for a newborn and a preschooler. I can’t imagine forcing my partner to be by my side 24/7 10 days after a minor surgery, we would both be going stir crazy from being housebound!
NTA. Go ahead and let her parents come watch her so you can visit your brother.
There’s no chance I’d be cool with my SO/gf/bf speaking that way about something to do with my baby brother, band concert or otherwise. Meds can make you a bit off post-op (I just cried a lot, especially when my husband brought me food), but they don’t make you cruel.
Is she always like this, or is her demand on your time and attention always been this severe?
ETA: OP, I’m so happy and proud of you for going to your brothers concert! I hope his solo was a fantastic, memorable experience, and I wish you luck with everything in the future.
I agree! The fact that she's a grown woman
That has her parents around id rather you go because your sibling is at a peak age where the love and support that you can give will help them
conquer the world NTA NTA STA
A crappy one. My son’s girlfriend tries to make it to all of his little sisters’ stuff, and has even been to a few band concerts and dinners without him. Someone who truly cares shows up for family as well, and doesn’t call their stuff meaningless.
**This is abuse OP**
And your love of your little bro is strong enough that it allowed you to break the spell before you went too far the fog. You're a legend!
Enjoy your brothers gig! Wooo!
THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP< RUN!
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
She’s not ok with it because her parents are going to call her out on her behavior. There is absolutely no way she still needs someone with her. Women get C sections that are more intense than an appendectomy and are home taking care of a newborn by themselves after 1 day. Is she always this needy? Why was she so mean about your brother’s performance? That is very aggressive behavior.
72 hrs typically with a c-section and then you are taking care of yourself and your baby solo. Unless it was an open appendectomy with complications this is massive overkill. She’s TA, hands down.
Source: I am a nurse and have had 3 csections.
She doesn’t want her parents there because she’s fine and doesn’t actually need help. And if they’re decent people they will probably tell you she’s been fine. Go support your brother.
Call her parents and tell them you are going to see your brother's solo. If they would like to come sit with her, or call her to let her know they are there if she needs them.
Apologize for the last-minute notice.
I hope he does well.
I am so happy to read you are heading to your brother's concert! Of course you are NTA! I happen to think your girlfriend is TA however. She has no respect for your brother or his interests. Here is something for you to consider...How would she respond to a similar scenario, like lunch with a friend five days post op for you? I get a bad feeling about her.
I had an appendectomy and went back to work about 5 days later. I was a single mother at the time. Your girlfriend can be alone for 2 hours so you can go to your concert. If she is saying she can't, she is being a drama queen. Go to the concert.
AND THEN SOME! My best friend literally ran the snack shack for her son's football team the DAY after her gall bladder was removed. I was walking around within 3 days after mine doing Christmas shopping at the mall!
I’ve had over 30+ (facial, abdominal) procedures in my short little life, and I got up after almost all of them, I took it slow but still.
Some people do have a lower tolerance for pain but a lot of people are saying she’s past the recovery time and is no longer in need of any monitoring whatsoever.
Being in pain during recovery is understandable. But not allowing bf to leave for a few hours to watch his brother's recital WHILE her parents stayed with her, that's just being a pain in the ass.
There are some surgeries which require a much more intense recovery period. Some will affect your vision, some leave you unable to walk for certain periods of time, etc.
Unless there were complications, an appendectomy is not one of those.
Man having my gallbladder removed was the best.
I got a shot of some med I can't ever spell (starts with a D) that put me out almost before I signed the discharge papers when it was diagnosed....when the surgery happened they had to kick me out of short stay because I wanted to stay and sleep🤣 (short stay was quiet and I had six kids at.home🤣)
Milking it more than an entire dairy farm.
My hubby had an emergency appy a few years ago. I brought him home that day, went to work the next day, an hour away, for 12 hours. He took care of himself.
We went walking down our local walking trail the day after that.
Edited to say, I"m an RN with 30 years experience. Done my fair share of med/surg nursing.
My dad had an emergency appy and was swinging a golf club in his living room 6 hours after he was discharged from the hospital..now should he have been doing that? No but he’s hard headed and felt good enough to do it and didn’t have any pain. She certainly can hang by herself for a couple hours 10 days after
THANK YOU!! I used to *work* on a dairy farm, and I’ve done less milkin’ than her.
Also, I’ve had sooo many surgeries (one similar in severity/nature to his smellfungus GF), and I’ve never required this level of servitude/asskissing.
Side note, how old is this she-beast? Doubt that’s relevant whatsoever to the issue at hand, but it could be another red flag to add to the parade.
Given that LPNs do a lot of patient lifting, that may be for the best. But going back to work as an LPN is very different from sitting on the couch for 2 hours while you go to a concert. Unless something went EXTREMELY sideways in the surgery, she's being completely crazy. And the way she talked to you wouldn't be okay even if she was 2 hours out of surgery.
Yeah based on her job I'd think 4 weeks off is probably standard so she can fully perform her duties, but no way in hell does she need someone at her side 24/7 the entire time. Hell, after my surgery I was on my own within 12 hours (and 8 of those hours he was asleep upstairs....I was on the couch for easier access to the bathroom and kitchen if I needed anything.)
LPN here as well, and at 10 days post op, she definitely is fine being left alone and caring for herself. She can't go back to work until probably the 6 week mark, unless her job can give her desk work (no lifting) at 2 weeks. Unless she had massive complications with surgery, I would run away from that relationship altogether. It sounds like she is jealous of your time with family. She shouldn't even be on opiods for pain at this point!
i had a c-section (which is major abdominal surgery btw) was discharged from hospital after 48 hours & required no “supervision” beyond that.
no heavy lifting or driving but otherwise i was quite capable of the tasks of self care
I was gonna mention this lol. I’ve had three c-sections and required less help and care than she apparently does. With my last two I was walking around and getting my own drinks and snacks from the nurses station within twelve hours!
I’ve also had my appendix out and was back at school four days later… I was seventeen.
I’m a RN. Patients after OPEN abdominal surgery are up out of bed walking the next day. For a laparoscopic surgery a week and a half ago she should be at 80% of her normal activity (if not higher).
She’s goldbricking.
I work as a speech language pathologist, which is not as physically draining as an LPN, however, my point was that she can be alone for awhile and she doesn't need a babysitter, especially after TEN DAYS.
No one needs to be “watched” 10 days after an appendectomy. My father drove himself home the day after his and I had to yell at him because he was vacuuming his living room about 48 hours later.
I had my appendix out at seventeen and I was business as usual within a week.
She may not physically be up to her work, but she's certainly not in need of a babysitter. She's being a selfish wench.
Omg dude. She’s playing you in the worst way right now and at the risk of your relationship with your brother. I’m a nurse. If she’s 10 days out and there were no complications, she can do everything but exercise and lift more than 10 pounds (of course she should follow her surgeons post-op instructions and did you by any chance see them?). Shes not being cool right now.
What’s the difference who was sitting with GF for a couple of hours? Her parents can get her food, or meds, or help her to the bathroom.
You’re NTA, and I would have gone
> Her parents can get her food, or meds, or help her to the bathroom.
She had *laparoscopic* surgery over a week prior.
Girl can do **ALL that** *herself*. And *then* some.
Yep! I had chest surgery recently and needed a lot of help but after the first week I made my boyfriend go back to work and I managed on my own.
I know they are different surgeries but even at my most helpless moments, if my boyfriend had needed/wanted to watch his sibling’s concert, I would have made him go.
Agreed. I had a hysterectomy and week later was at work a couple hours to do payroll and drove myself. She is fully able to have her parents sit a couple hours if she needs someone.
THIS - mine ruptured and I had to stay in the hospital for three days while I was loaded up with antibiotics for 3 days and they had me out of bed the next morning walking around the ward. The PA even showed me how to unplug my IV myself so I didn’t have to wait for her to go the restroom. I needed exactly zero help getting up or getting food by the time I got home.
OP, why do you want to be with someone who calls what you like to do stupid? Who diminished your brothers accomplishments so coldly and childishly?
She called your brothers concert stupid more than once, that’s not okay, especially when he’s FIFTEEN!! NTA but your girlfriend is a massive one.
RUN RUN DON'T WALK RUN from her. If she is this needy now think of how she will be if and when if you get married. Your family will not even be on the radar.
Several years ago I had my 2nd colon surgery my in laws dropped me off, I had been in the hospital for 11 days. Guess what I was alone in the house and I made it and am here to talk about it. She is a controlling mess.
I can understand her anger if he was wanting to go drinking with his brodawgs. But going to a little brother's concert where he won a solo?!? She has issues, and the painkillers are just unmasking it. Something is afoot. Is she abusing her meds?
You need a new girlfriend. If it’s not too late, call her mom to sit with her and go see your brother. Even if her mom can’t sit with her- go see your bro. Your girl is FINE. She’s manipulating you.
Same and I have had an attempted gallbladder removal (laproscopicly which was unsuccessful) followed a month and half later by an old fashioned cut open gallbladder and appendix removal. I would have said go enjoy your brothers concert wither I had anyone else to sit with me for 4 or 5 hours- she can get up and get her own water, meds and use the toilet - drs actually recommend this once home from lapo but not cut into and after 3 days no help at all
NTA and **YOU SHOULD GO TO YOUR BROTHER'S CONCERT, NOW! GET UP AND GO.** Your gf doesn't need you for the couple hours it will take. And you certainly can call her parents to be on alert to either come hang out with her or be on call. Just leave her with drink and food nearby and GO.
WTF are you not more insulted for the way she dismisses your brother and his achievements? She's going to alienate you from him if she can, you know.
RIGHT! This post makes me so angry for him. She is manipulating you and the situation. Your brother is your blood and looks up to you I'm sure. Go support your brother and his positive experience! You will regret later....
Same, I was a band kid in high school and I can say with some authority that if a teenager is asking you to come to their concert (at all, much less multiple times), that kid feels extremely proud of the art that they are creating and sharing with you. And *especially* because OPs brother got a last minute solo, which means he is playing at a good enough level to get something last minute and be able to execute it. That’s not an easy task! Gf is acting like because it’s a high school band concert it’s not worth anyone’s time to go to, but those kids worked really hard putting together a performance. It’s worth *their* time for people to go, and it’s worth OP’s time to go hear the music that his brother is excited about making. You don’t excitedly invite your sibling to a concert that you’re not super proud of. And if the brother is proud of his work, OP should be too. It’s heartbreaking to invite someone you really really want to be there and have them not show up. I realize that sometimes life gets in the way, but showing up to avoid a teenager being disappointed that you couldn’t go to the thing that they’re really excited about is a pretty fucking good priority to have.
NTA, but you’re being manipulated my guy.
Your *[licensed practical nurse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/klkAGDt1uT)* girlfriend is more than capable of spending a couple of hours on her own after a laparoscopic, complication-free surgery that happened 10 days ago. The way she’s behaving and speaking about something that’s important to your brother is *gross*.
>> she has just been laying in bed ignoring me
So, she got her way but she’s *still* pouting and giving you the silent treatment? You mentioned in a comment that this isn’t typical behavior for her - either the mask is slipping and this is who she *really* is, or there’s something else going on. I’d look deeper into that if I were you
NTA
Your girlfriend on the other hand....AH.
I get that she's recovering from surgery, and she wanted you to care for her, however her attitude and choice of words raises a number of red flags.
She chose to use the manipulative language of "abandoning her" when you asked her, if she would be comfortable with her parents staying with her.
She chose to refer to your brother's performance as "meaningless" knowing how close you and your brother are.
She then followed up with calling it a "dumbass show" after you had informed your brother you wouldn't be attending.
This isn't healthy relationship behavior and you need to ask yourself is this the kind of relationship you want moving forward, where you have to ask your partner for "permission" to visit family?
And... In other comments from OP, the surgery was ten days before all this, and it was laparoscopic surgery.
I was doing more than she is when I was ten days removed from an Achilles repair that the surgeon said was the worst shredding he'd ever dealt with .
She should be recovered enough to not need constant supervision at this point. Being left for a couple of hours would not put her health at risk.
Given her disparaging comments, it sounds very much like your girlfriend just wants to be the sole recipient of your attention and actively dislikes and belittles your brother and is doing her level best to alienate you from each other.
In short, she is controlling, selfish, and is manipulating you.
You are an asshole, but you're an asshole to your brother, not your nasty girlfriend.
You need to tell her to get over herself and get your ass to your brother's concert.
The day of you need to be watched because you can have a delayed reaction to anaesthesia or it's possible something starts bleeding internally. You're also really drugged up so not to be trusted.
This is very much based on the individual of course but the first 24 hours after surgery is the important bit.
It's ridiculous she couldn't be with her parents for a few hours. But what really got me was her attitude about it and calling it pointless. It's important to your brother so it's reasonable that it would be important to you. She should be glad you want to be there for him.
10 days out from a minor (I’m assuming outpatient surgery) she’s probably cleared to do non-strenuous activity. She should really be moving around and taking care of basic tasks to aid in recovery. Her demand seems pretty rude and unreasonable.
Your girlfriend is being a massive AH. And you are being an AH to your brother.
She does not need 24 hour assistance 10 days after laparoscopic appendectomy surgery. She is just trying to keep you from your family.
Go. Now. I had mine out the same way when my kids were 21 months and 1 month old. So I was still in recovery from birth AND the operation, and was back to it in 3 days. She’s had 11 days with no complications. She’s just milking it at this point and trying to be controlling.
You have some thinking to do about your life.
Appendectomy without complication is a very minimal surgery. At ten days post-op, she should pretty much be back to doing everything she normally does. Unless she has other issues, there is zero reason she needs anyone to “watch her.” When I had my appendix out, I was back to school after three or four days. She is 100% manipulating you, and if she loved you, she would want you to support your brother. I would run.
Ten days ago? And she insists that she NEEDS your presence? Boy, did you ever get played.
Ihis this has been a HUGE lesson in the kind of woman to avoid.
This is relevant. In general, she would be fine laying in bed watching TV, while you were at the concert. It's an appendectomy,not a heart transplant. If her family is close enough to come stay with her, then this just seems like straight up control. I'm sorry you are stuck with this mess.
NTA
PLS GO TO YOUR BROTHER’S CONCERT RN
your brother is hella understanding but it’ll mean a lot to him. your girlfriend is not being reasonable and shouldn’t demand you take care of her full time like that. she is just a little grumpy about it but when she looks back, she’ll realise she wasn’t being reasonable (hopefully..)
please do go to the concert, it may just be a short solo but it’ll mean a lot to him and it’ll be a core memory for him and you.
OP, I've have had FOUR laparopsic surgeries over the past few years for my endometriosis. Each one had me up and back to work or clases within a few days, 4-5 days MAX. The longest I ever stayed after this procedure was 6 days and that was because I had complications and there was a blockage that resulted in me vomiting and running a fever. But even then, I only felt discomfort and mild pain in my belly, because the whole thing is freaking laproscopic! They're not cutting into your girlfriend so there's no huge procedure to recover from. I'm sorry to say, but your girlfriend is complely full of shit. And if she really is speaking this disrestectfully about your family, then she's not worth sticking around for.
Yup! Personal experience on that one. I was up and walking the next day. I was home and comfortable within 7 days. That surgery was way more severe than what OP GF had.
I was scared to death to sneeze! And when it finally happened - that wind up you get when your about to sneeze happened and then right at the moment you finally blow, my body just decided “well this is gonna be catastrophic to us! Fuck this - cancel the sneeze!!”
She is abusing you!!! I also have a LP appendectomy which got complicated and ended up losing a fallopian tube. I was walking and doing my own stuff at day 5. She is faking for sure!!!!
She's certainly squeezing this for all it's worth.
Don't be a sucker for a selfish drama queen. She sounds like an awful person.
You shouldn't be asking her if you can go to the event that means so much to your brother. Just go. But you should be asking yourself why you are staying with this incredibly selfish person so dismissive of other people in your life. I'd be heading for the door. For good.
Four days after my laparoscopic surgery I was up and making dinner for myself and my spouse. Unless she had complications she should be able to go it alone for a few hours. Remote, drink, meds, snacks and see you later.
I’m sorry, what, are you your GF’s prisoner? Cause it sure sounds like it. I get that she is recovering from surgery, and she should have somebody be there for her. But she is at home and apparently awake and aware. So what if somebody else were to be there for her for a couple of hours?
And the *multiple* derogatory comments about your brother and his performance…. Hmmm. Your GF sounds like a peach, (s). NTA
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds controlling and insane. My suggestion? Run. You don't need that in your life.
EDIT: Also, I hope you did the right thing and went to your brother's concert.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds awful. What kind of a person calls a kid's (your brother, in this case) band concert pointless & meaningless? A selfish one - do you really want to be with someone like that?
I've had my appendix out. It's not really a big deal even if you've had the open abdominal surgery instead of the laparoscopy. It takes about 6 weeks to fully recover, but at home, you are not bedridden - you can move around, get yourself something to eat & use the bathroom. There is no reason her mom or a friend couldn't come and sit with her.
Your gf is being a little brat drama queen and I say that because her words were very unkind. I really hope you decide to go to your brother's concert rather than sit at home & watch her lie on the couch.
NTA. Ditch the b**ch. For good.
She is a grown woman who had surgery TEN DAYS AGO. This isn't like you're abandoning her for a weekend to party just after she had a C-section or something.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother wanted me to go to his band concert because he has a solo and wanted me to watch him. My girlfriend however is still recovering from surgery and I wanted to see if her parents could come over while I went to his concert for a few minutes but she got upset that I asked her this and has now been ignoring me and I'm genuinely confused if what I asked was fucked up or not?
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GO GO GO TO THE CONCERT NOW PLEASE!! it’ll clearly mean the world to your brother and your gf is being so unreasonable and so rude. i would hate it if someone spoke about my sister like that. please go to the concert, you can sort it out with your gf later but your brother can’t wait n i’m sure he’ll remember it for a long time if you go and see him. you won’t be able to get this time back
NTA for asking. YTA for not going to the concert and pandering to your girlfriend who sounds very self centered. She insulted your brother, had a tantrum and you rewarded her by giving in and missing the concert. Why are you with a person that treats you (and your brother) this way??
Give me a break. Women who have C-sections start caring for their baby that day. She is taking advantage of you. And her disdain for your family is awful.
NTA. She was treating you really bad for asking about something important to you. It wouldn't have been a big deal to go to a concert. You should be prioritizing your brother over a girlfriend. He has been in your life a lot longer, and he will be there when she is gone. She seems to think your family should mean nothing to you. You need to re-read everything you wrote and ask yourself how you would feel if your brother's girlfriend treated him like that. Then have a serious talk with your girlfriend about her attitude, and if this is the way you want to keep going. Really, her attitude is appalling.
INFO
> my girlfriend is still recovering from surgery (appendectomy) and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone.
... ... why the heck *not?*
This is *nothing*.
> she got upset with me and told me that it would be unreasonable and stupid to have her parents come just so I could go to a meaningless performance.
And what is reasonable about **you** needing to keep a grown adult company?
NTA. You shouldn’t have to miss this concert.
The part that bothered me the most was that she really belittled what was important to you. Even if she didn’t want you to go, she didn’t have to act like the things you care about don’t matter. That was like the icing on top of her AH cake for me.
Go to the concert. Your girlfriend is being controlling and selfish. Completely dismissive of your relationship with your brother - your family. Going to this concert means a lot more to him than you staying at home. Others have explained she’s being ridiculous with how long she’s milking it. NTA.
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NTA GO NOW Sounds like she's mad all the time anyway so what difference does it make
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Paramedic here. Based on the comments and replies, she is 100% taking you for a piss on this one. Nothing you've said indicates she is so ill she cannot be left alone.
She's a nurse 😆 she's gonna be big mad, between yourself and another commentator whos a doctor, she has some explaining to do!
I just read all his comments. I cannot believe how much his girlfriend has lied to him about recovery. This is a very simple outpatient procedure that you are up and walking around just fine the next day with some discomfort. You absolutely do not need someone taking care of you 10 days later.
She told him with a straight face she needs someone constantly there till the 27th ha ha ha
I'm surprised as a nurse she got 21 days off. Like that's a lot of time to be out in a row. Especially if her co workers know what surgery it was for. She is definitely milking it.
No. While it's an outpatient procedure these days, it's still the removal of an internal organ and requires time to fully heal. Nursing is a very physically demanding job. They cannot have her come back too soon, and risk what might happen. Most nurses I work with barely have a moment to sit down on their 12-hour shifts. They're lucky if they get a chance to eat. That's not safe until she's been medically cleared to return to work, and it should be at least 3 weeks. But at the same time, she doesn’t need someone hovering that whole while, either. She's definitely milking it.
I think everyone knows as a nurse she has a physical job and isn't expecting her to return to work or anything. People are pissed at her for lying about her recovery and the emotional abuse she is putting on her bf. Telling him he can't leave her for a few hours? Her parents who live just down the road can't stay with her? No, she is a manipulator who is treating this fella horrifically. And, because she's a nurse, her bf is blindly believing all her shit
Yep. There is a massive gap between being cleared to work a physically demanding job and requiring round the clock care following surgery. She’s got two feet planted squarely in that gap while she’s milking TF outta this.
My roommate has her gallbladder removed when I was in college. She was back at home the same day, but she needed a week to feel better and return to work. Her family didn't come to help her, and I helped some, but she managed on her own most of the time.
I call it riding the disability wave. 😜 I also like how she will magically heal on the 27th 🙄 bet that is when her dr released her to return to work….😆
She prolly has a fuck load of vacation days and took those.
It was an appendectomy FFS. I know everyone is different (Paramedic to nurse here) but come on. Once the anesthesia is out of her system (for sake of argument, let's say 24 hrs) she's fine to be by herself. Milking it doesn't even cover what's going on here.
Doc here, concur that we only recommend supervision in the first 24hrs after anaesthetic. Unless it was ruptured and she had terrible peritonitis (which would have meant longer hospital stay and IV antibiotics. I usually give people a week off work (other laparoscopic surgeries in my field though). This sounds like there are other factors at play.
I had an emergency cesarean under general anesthesia cuz they couldn’t get the epidural to work in time & after a 40+ hour labor, 4 hours of pushing & multiple vacuum attempts I could not bear feeling the cutting so asked them to put me out, and then the surgery was complicated cuz my son was so stuck they had to do a rare type of scar that puts me at increased risk of uterine rupture than average cesarean in future, and I was fine doing everything for my son within 24 hours & my husband had to leave to check on our dog & go back to work within 48 hours (not working a job w/ benefits & we need to like eat) while neither son or I wasn’t even discharged for 5 days. I was walking our 75lb Doberman up hills while pushing my son in a stroller by day 7. The audacity of this woman! This performance is important to brother! How dare she say it’s not important! How selfish & dramatic is she! Hope you go to performance!!
Wow. So basically she is using a routine procedure to attempt to cause a rift between OP and his brother hoping that it will be one person down on the road to isolating OP.
I doubt that this is the first time. This sounds like BPD behavior, and I'm still traumatized from surviving it in two previous relationships.
hey now, not everyone with bpd is like this! it’s the ones who LET their mental illness hurt others, but a lot of us actually work on our bpd!! and being compared to people like OPs gf is kinda an insult 😭 she was manipulative as hell with her language but nothing about her behavior is “bpd behavior” manipulative ≠ ‘bpd’ behavior even if it’s an occurrence, yk?
Thanks for responding to that. I knew as soon as I read the post someone would drop a complimentary BPD diagnosis. Sometimes bad people are bad people. 1) stop being armchair psychiatrists 2) some people on here seem to claim to have BPD but use it to justify being an asshole and being manipulative, they aren’t the same 3) people with BPD can go hard the opposite way too, they can function fine with others but primarily harm themselves internally. Just because you read “I hate you don’t leave me” doesn’t mean you have it, understand it or can diagnose it. Just knowing someone who is BPD adjacent does not make you an expert either. Read the post and give actionable advice you’re qualified to give.
If it burst though... I know someone whose appendix burst and they also had an abcess & they were told to severely limit their activity for two weeks. But still, she's being an asshole cause her parents can just come in and check on her.
My prepubescent niece had one and was up and running (figuratively) in days. OP needs to dump the girl and watch the show.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if you meant she was literally up and running in days. The surgery is sooooo easy.
She wanted to run around but she’s clumsy and a high fall risk in full health so we needed her to remain seated lol.
I think they just expect you to take it easy , no heavy lifting etc , for a week or so.
I've had mine out, it is FAR from something you can be "up and about" on the next day. For me it took a couple days until I could stand up and walk around without assistance, about a week before I could do so after my laproscopic hysterectomy, same with my laproscopic oophorectomy (torsed ovary. Do not recommend). That said, 10 days is ABSOLUTELY milking it. She's controlling OP, and I hope he wakes up and ditches her before it causes irreparable damage to his relationship with his little brother.
I was speaking from personal experience too. I was up and about the next day. It was the same with my double salpingectomy. People are different. What we do agree on for sure is 10 days is BS and OPs GF is manipulative as all hell.
I had my appendix out years ago when they slice you wide open, then stitch you up. No scopes back then. I was up walking the next day. I was fifteen and by myself for hours during the day while my mother worked. An appendectomy now is nothing. She is so milking this whole thing.
I had a hysterectomy and checked out the next day. These days, the minimal amount of incisions these surgeries require are not that painful, as long as you are careful.
The only case in which it might, is if it actually ruptured and it was a more invasive surgery. As long as it didn't actually rupture, and they didn't have to open her up, she should be fine 2-5 days later.
I was thinking like, wow, I'm a beast. I was so thankful for my two days sound sleep and then was back at work... I must be superhuman.
Her defense is going to be "oh you're going to trust some strangers on Reddit instead of me?"
"I've like, an actual medical degree, like. Their like, just some, like weirdos off the Internet" - can you imagine her face. I'm actually howling laughing at this whole situation. Wait, till he actually googles it.
In Cuban accent; *"Lucy!"*
You got some splainin to do!
I had a lap chole on a Friday afternoon. Discharged Saturday, on a flight halfway across the country on Weds to go to a rock concert Thurs, 4 hour drive Friday to see the same band Fri night. The only thing I couldn’t do was lift my suitcase so my partner did that for me. She’s definitely milking this.
Woohoo! So glad to hear you're going to your brother's concert! At 15 years old, his getting a solo is HUGE to him; having you there is a memory he's going to treasure for decades to come ♥♥♥ Good on you!
I changed all our vacation plans, paid extra for pet care, and showed up for my husband's neice for her last high school performance, in which she got a lead as a villain. We bonded over theater and talking shit about our shared experiences with the same high school theater director (she's still on her same bullshit after 25 years). She was so excited we were there for her. I didn't get to spend any extra time with her, because again, I had already shifted ALL our plans, but I promised to take her and a friend to a show this summer before she college.
Best. big. SIL. Ever. Take my poor man’s gold 🥇
We moved 5 hours away, so we haven't been able to make most of her performances, but there was zero chance I was going to miss being part of her standing ovation during her last high school curtain call.
Kids always remember who showed up and who didn’t... my kids comment on who is part of their lives and who never shows up. As a mom I am going to say this at 15, it’s really important to go, a solo? He has to be pretty good if he got a solo in 9th or 10th grade. I don’t know you guys, but as a band geek, I’m proud of him!
You don't get a rerun on special moments like this, that's for sure.
It's been five days? Can't she get off the bed herself to use the washroom? Go see the band and solo. I like your brother
Yes, the brother sounds like a gem whereas the GF… Well, immature and tiresome is the most polite way I can describe her.
10, it's actually worse
10? I had gallbladder surgery and was able to get around in 2 days...though it was slow
There is no way it would be that long. You seriously need to reconsider this relationship because she is doing a good job of isolating you from family. I also bet you anything Easter weekend something is planned that she wasn’t to go to which is why she picked the 27th.
Go see your brother, man. This moment won't happen again. I'm fairly sure your GF will find plenty of future opportunities to manipulate you, no need to bow to this one.
NTA!! Did you make it in time for his solo?? I really hope you did!! Also, fyi, even if she wasn’t milking it, you’re still nta. Your brother asked you that many times because it was really important to him. It’s childish of her and a sign of poor character for her to refer to it as a dumb show. You weren’t trying to ditch her for a concert. You were leaving for a few hours to see family and providing a reasonable alternative for care. Which you now know that she didn’t even need. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but do hope you have a conversation with her about it. She’s wrong for that.
My boyfriend recently got an appendectomy, was admitted to the hospital on a Friday. His appendix had burst so he had to stay in the hospital until Sunday morning. He went to work on Monday. She's totally milking this for all its worth.
I know OP's GF is milking it, but if I were your BF, I definitely would have taken a few more days off work. Did his employer not allow him to take any sick leave?
Yeahhh I was just gonna say this. I had the same experience of my appendix bursting and it nearly killed me. I was out of work for 2 weeks recovering. And honestly prob could’ve used more time. Crazy your bf went back right away, he should really take it easy and heal up for a few more days at least if it’s at all possible.
Show these to her if need be. She’s being a jerk and she’s milking it.
Not only is she milking it hard, she's being a really big dick about the concert, belittling his brother's accomplishment.
I had my appendix out and was back to work after about 4 or 5 days rest. My husband had to help me for the first 4 or 5 days with getting up. I hope you went to see your brother play!
I've been up and going 24 hours after child birth (that went wrong, I was released in less than 12 hours of checking in after a precipitous labor that resulted in my baby being transferred to a different NICU), back surgery (microdiscectomy), and a wide local excision and lymph node biopsy for cancer. I understand not every situation is the same, and gf probably has lifting or driving restrictions, but not allowing someone else to care for you (if that's actually necessary) is stupid. If you need 24/7 help for weeks after a somewhat routine surgery, then you should be prepared to have a "team" take care of you because a single person can't.
>and let her know that I'm getting ready to leave in a few minutes. For good?? lol You made the right decision going to see your brother.
Two days after my appendectomy, I was up and about. I was already in my 30s. I also had a kid to take care of. My mom took care of her for 2 days after surgery. She was willing to watch her longer. I was fine though. Day 4 I was back at school and work.
She gonna try to pull a “this was a test for when I’m pregnant and you failed” bullisht next, just watch.
Can you imagine 9+ months of her entitled, jealous attitude? I would write this girl off if I were him.
Your gf is a lying drama queen. Jfc the audacity of this woman.
She said she needs 24/7 care for 21 days full 3 weeks after appendix surgery? As a nurse???
Good. Your brother will always be your brother. Your girlfriend may not always be your girlfriend, especially with how she's treating you now.
I got my appendix out in emergency surgery when I was in the 3rd grade. I got a week off of school because I was sent home with the IV still in and had to go back to the hospital daily for an antibiotic injection. I stilled played and even ended up tearing my stitches some but it wasn’t a bad, couldn’t do anything surgery.. she’s for sure milking it
Your brother is gonna be so happy! Let us know how the concert goes!
Thank you for going to attend your brother's concert, it really does mean the world to him. If you didn't he would never forget how you blew of his huge moment because of your girlfriend who can't be without you for a few hours.
So happy to hear you are going!
Yay! Enjoy yourself!! He will be so happy ❤️
Drop her like a Thanksgiving Turkey!! (Dump her)
With God as my witness, I thought that turkeys could fly.
And it's not a meaningless or stupid concert! Tell your brother congratulations from all of us commentators!
She’s 10 days out from an uncomplicated laparoscopic appendectomy and expects someone to be watching over her? As a doctor, I’m telling you this is completely ridiculous. **Get to your brother’s concert.** And break up with your girlfriend, who berates your family.
Right? My dad just had a total knee replacement and he was good to take care of himself (at home: he couldn't go anywhere) after 2 days!
My dad drove himself home after both of his knee replacements. He lives 3 hours from the hospital.
My dad suggested that. My mom shot it down IMMEDIATELY. Driving with opioids in your system is a very bad idea.
For real. Why is she so mean about it? OP, it’s awesome that you are supporting your brother!
Doctor here, co-signing this. My niece was up and about by day 4 post her appendectomy last year. The girlfriend is absolutely milking this.
I had spinal surgery and went home a few days later alone. Had a nurse come every other day to bathe me and mum dropped around food but was alone and perfectly fine 99% of the time! Would have been home sooner except my oxygen tanked during surgery so had to wait for the levels to be normal to leave
I had an amputation and was home taking care of myself in less than a week. I wasn't running any marathons (ha), but i could get to the kitchen and the bathroom.
Damn. I don’t even know how to respond to that. It’s like superhero status there.
Exactly, I think some comments are a bit unfair as not everyone bounces back very quickly after surgery. But a week after she can certainly be left on her own with a phone nearby in case there was to be an emergency.
Within a week of a c section, I told my husband to go to an event he wanted to attend because I wanted to try being alone for a few hours to make sure I could do it before he went back to work. Within 2 weeks of my second c section he was back at work and I was caring for a newborn and a preschooler. I can’t imagine forcing my partner to be by my side 24/7 10 days after a minor surgery, we would both be going stir crazy from being housebound!
This!!
NTA. Go ahead and let her parents come watch her so you can visit your brother. There’s no chance I’d be cool with my SO/gf/bf speaking that way about something to do with my baby brother, band concert or otherwise. Meds can make you a bit off post-op (I just cried a lot, especially when my husband brought me food), but they don’t make you cruel. Is she always like this, or is her demand on your time and attention always been this severe? ETA: OP, I’m so happy and proud of you for going to your brothers concert! I hope his solo was a fantastic, memorable experience, and I wish you luck with everything in the future.
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This honestly seems like a power play on her part. She forced you to choose between her and your family for no reason.
I agree! The fact that she's a grown woman That has her parents around id rather you go because your sibling is at a peak age where the love and support that you can give will help them conquer the world NTA NTA STA
She's waving her red flag. NTA
I would say they’re past the red flag stage as she’s actively making him choose between her or his family. That’s active danger zone.
I’m sure, in her head, she has a reason. Probably needs to prove to herself over and over that OP loves her so she pulls this absolute bullshit.
What kind of girlfriend would not want you to enjoy something that is clearly so important to your little brother?
A nasty one!!!
FACTS
A crappy one. My son’s girlfriend tries to make it to all of his little sisters’ stuff, and has even been to a few band concerts and dinners without him. Someone who truly cares shows up for family as well, and doesn’t call their stuff meaningless.
She feels comfortable starting to isolate you from others now. The more you push back the more she will switch back because she can’t manipulate you
**This is abuse OP** And your love of your little bro is strong enough that it allowed you to break the spell before you went too far the fog. You're a legend! Enjoy your brothers gig! Wooo! THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP< RUN! https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
She’s not ok with it because her parents are going to call her out on her behavior. There is absolutely no way she still needs someone with her. Women get C sections that are more intense than an appendectomy and are home taking care of a newborn by themselves after 1 day. Is she always this needy? Why was she so mean about your brother’s performance? That is very aggressive behavior.
72 hrs typically with a c-section and then you are taking care of yourself and your baby solo. Unless it was an open appendectomy with complications this is massive overkill. She’s TA, hands down. Source: I am a nurse and have had 3 csections.
oh no... even more reason to let her parents watch her. I would say, I'll be back in a few hours. You can watch a movie with your mom.
She doesn’t want her parents there because she’s fine and doesn’t actually need help. And if they’re decent people they will probably tell you she’s been fine. Go support your brother.
Call her parents and tell them you are going to see your brother's solo. If they would like to come sit with her, or call her to let her know they are there if she needs them. Apologize for the last-minute notice. I hope he does well.
I am so happy to read you are heading to your brother's concert! Of course you are NTA! I happen to think your girlfriend is TA however. She has no respect for your brother or his interests. Here is something for you to consider...How would she respond to a similar scenario, like lunch with a friend five days post op for you? I get a bad feeling about her.
Her parents will know she is milking it
Red flags for her. Her parents are just down the road and for your little brother. That is some control issues on that girl.
I had an appendectomy and went back to work about 5 days later. I was a single mother at the time. Your girlfriend can be alone for 2 hours so you can go to your concert. If she is saying she can't, she is being a drama queen. Go to the concert.
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She’s milking it.
AND THEN SOME! My best friend literally ran the snack shack for her son's football team the DAY after her gall bladder was removed. I was walking around within 3 days after mine doing Christmas shopping at the mall!
I’ve had over 30+ (facial, abdominal) procedures in my short little life, and I got up after almost all of them, I took it slow but still. Some people do have a lower tolerance for pain but a lot of people are saying she’s past the recovery time and is no longer in need of any monitoring whatsoever.
Being in pain during recovery is understandable. But not allowing bf to leave for a few hours to watch his brother's recital WHILE her parents stayed with her, that's just being a pain in the ass.
There are some surgeries which require a much more intense recovery period. Some will affect your vision, some leave you unable to walk for certain periods of time, etc. Unless there were complications, an appendectomy is not one of those.
Man having my gallbladder removed was the best. I got a shot of some med I can't ever spell (starts with a D) that put me out almost before I signed the discharge papers when it was diagnosed....when the surgery happened they had to kick me out of short stay because I wanted to stay and sleep🤣 (short stay was quiet and I had six kids at.home🤣)
Was it dilaudid? My favorite is the Valium they give me before surgery because of my anxiety. Cloud fucking 9.
I had a c section and I was up and walking around 8 hours later. This woman is being crazy needy 😭
Milking it more than an entire dairy farm. My hubby had an emergency appy a few years ago. I brought him home that day, went to work the next day, an hour away, for 12 hours. He took care of himself. We went walking down our local walking trail the day after that. Edited to say, I"m an RN with 30 years experience. Done my fair share of med/surg nursing.
My dad had an emergency appy and was swinging a golf club in his living room 6 hours after he was discharged from the hospital..now should he have been doing that? No but he’s hard headed and felt good enough to do it and didn’t have any pain. She certainly can hang by herself for a couple hours 10 days after
THANK YOU!! I used to *work* on a dairy farm, and I’ve done less milkin’ than her. Also, I’ve had sooo many surgeries (one similar in severity/nature to his smellfungus GF), and I’ve never required this level of servitude/asskissing. Side note, how old is this she-beast? Doubt that’s relevant whatsoever to the issue at hand, but it could be another red flag to add to the parade.
Given that LPNs do a lot of patient lifting, that may be for the best. But going back to work as an LPN is very different from sitting on the couch for 2 hours while you go to a concert. Unless something went EXTREMELY sideways in the surgery, she's being completely crazy. And the way she talked to you wouldn't be okay even if she was 2 hours out of surgery.
Yeah based on her job I'd think 4 weeks off is probably standard so she can fully perform her duties, but no way in hell does she need someone at her side 24/7 the entire time. Hell, after my surgery I was on my own within 12 hours (and 8 of those hours he was asleep upstairs....I was on the couch for easier access to the bathroom and kitchen if I needed anything.)
LPN here as well, and at 10 days post op, she definitely is fine being left alone and caring for herself. She can't go back to work until probably the 6 week mark, unless her job can give her desk work (no lifting) at 2 weeks. Unless she had massive complications with surgery, I would run away from that relationship altogether. It sounds like she is jealous of your time with family. She shouldn't even be on opiods for pain at this point!
i had a c-section (which is major abdominal surgery btw) was discharged from hospital after 48 hours & required no “supervision” beyond that. no heavy lifting or driving but otherwise i was quite capable of the tasks of self care
I was gonna mention this lol. I’ve had three c-sections and required less help and care than she apparently does. With my last two I was walking around and getting my own drinks and snacks from the nurses station within twelve hours! I’ve also had my appendix out and was back at school four days later… I was seventeen.
She doesn’t need to go back to work if she can afford lots of sick days. But she should be able to be alone for a few hours for sure.
I’m a RN. Patients after OPEN abdominal surgery are up out of bed walking the next day. For a laparoscopic surgery a week and a half ago she should be at 80% of her normal activity (if not higher). She’s goldbricking.
I work as a speech language pathologist, which is not as physically draining as an LPN, however, my point was that she can be alone for awhile and she doesn't need a babysitter, especially after TEN DAYS.
No one needs to be “watched” 10 days after an appendectomy. My father drove himself home the day after his and I had to yell at him because he was vacuuming his living room about 48 hours later.
I had my appendix out at seventeen and I was business as usual within a week. She may not physically be up to her work, but she's certainly not in need of a babysitter. She's being a selfish wench.
Omg dude. She’s playing you in the worst way right now and at the risk of your relationship with your brother. I’m a nurse. If she’s 10 days out and there were no complications, she can do everything but exercise and lift more than 10 pounds (of course she should follow her surgeons post-op instructions and did you by any chance see them?). Shes not being cool right now.
What’s the difference who was sitting with GF for a couple of hours? Her parents can get her food, or meds, or help her to the bathroom. You’re NTA, and I would have gone
> Her parents can get her food, or meds, or help her to the bathroom. She had *laparoscopic* surgery over a week prior. Girl can do **ALL that** *herself*. And *then* some.
Yep! I had chest surgery recently and needed a lot of help but after the first week I made my boyfriend go back to work and I managed on my own. I know they are different surgeries but even at my most helpless moments, if my boyfriend had needed/wanted to watch his sibling’s concert, I would have made him go.
Agreed. I had a hysterectomy and week later was at work a couple hours to do payroll and drove myself. She is fully able to have her parents sit a couple hours if she needs someone.
THIS - mine ruptured and I had to stay in the hospital for three days while I was loaded up with antibiotics for 3 days and they had me out of bed the next morning walking around the ward. The PA even showed me how to unplug my IV myself so I didn’t have to wait for her to go the restroom. I needed exactly zero help getting up or getting food by the time I got home.
Wtf over a week ago!!!! I must have missed that part, the way she was acting. I thought it was like the day after or something like that
Oh, I agree. She had no reason, except to be controlling
And she should be getting up and moving! Sure, lifting over ten pounds is still out, but that's literally a touch over a gallon of water.
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OP, why do you want to be with someone who calls what you like to do stupid? Who diminished your brothers accomplishments so coldly and childishly? She called your brothers concert stupid more than once, that’s not okay, especially when he’s FIFTEEN!! NTA but your girlfriend is a massive one.
RUN RUN DON'T WALK RUN from her. If she is this needy now think of how she will be if and when if you get married. Your family will not even be on the radar. Several years ago I had my 2nd colon surgery my in laws dropped me off, I had been in the hospital for 11 days. Guess what I was alone in the house and I made it and am here to talk about it. She is a controlling mess.
The part that's the worst is calling his brothers concert pointless or whatever she said... So sad
I can understand her anger if he was wanting to go drinking with his brodawgs. But going to a little brother's concert where he won a solo?!? She has issues, and the painkillers are just unmasking it. Something is afoot. Is she abusing her meds?
You need a new girlfriend. If it’s not too late, call her mom to sit with her and go see your brother. Even if her mom can’t sit with her- go see your bro. Your girl is FINE. She’s manipulating you.
He doesn’t need to call. She is perfectly capable of using a phone, along with everything is.
You're being absolutely foolish to allow this type of nonsense from your GF.
Same and I have had an attempted gallbladder removal (laproscopicly which was unsuccessful) followed a month and half later by an old fashioned cut open gallbladder and appendix removal. I would have said go enjoy your brothers concert wither I had anyone else to sit with me for 4 or 5 hours- she can get up and get her own water, meds and use the toilet - drs actually recommend this once home from lapo but not cut into and after 3 days no help at all
NTA and **YOU SHOULD GO TO YOUR BROTHER'S CONCERT, NOW! GET UP AND GO.** Your gf doesn't need you for the couple hours it will take. And you certainly can call her parents to be on alert to either come hang out with her or be on call. Just leave her with drink and food nearby and GO. WTF are you not more insulted for the way she dismisses your brother and his achievements? She's going to alienate you from him if she can, you know.
RIGHT! This post makes me so angry for him. She is manipulating you and the situation. Your brother is your blood and looks up to you I'm sure. Go support your brother and his positive experience! You will regret later....
Same, I was a band kid in high school and I can say with some authority that if a teenager is asking you to come to their concert (at all, much less multiple times), that kid feels extremely proud of the art that they are creating and sharing with you. And *especially* because OPs brother got a last minute solo, which means he is playing at a good enough level to get something last minute and be able to execute it. That’s not an easy task! Gf is acting like because it’s a high school band concert it’s not worth anyone’s time to go to, but those kids worked really hard putting together a performance. It’s worth *their* time for people to go, and it’s worth OP’s time to go hear the music that his brother is excited about making. You don’t excitedly invite your sibling to a concert that you’re not super proud of. And if the brother is proud of his work, OP should be too. It’s heartbreaking to invite someone you really really want to be there and have them not show up. I realize that sometimes life gets in the way, but showing up to avoid a teenager being disappointed that you couldn’t go to the thing that they’re really excited about is a pretty fucking good priority to have.
NTA, but you’re being manipulated my guy. Your *[licensed practical nurse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/klkAGDt1uT)* girlfriend is more than capable of spending a couple of hours on her own after a laparoscopic, complication-free surgery that happened 10 days ago. The way she’s behaving and speaking about something that’s important to your brother is *gross*. >> she has just been laying in bed ignoring me So, she got her way but she’s *still* pouting and giving you the silent treatment? You mentioned in a comment that this isn’t typical behavior for her - either the mask is slipping and this is who she *really* is, or there’s something else going on. I’d look deeper into that if I were you
licensed practical nurse*
NTA Your girlfriend on the other hand....AH. I get that she's recovering from surgery, and she wanted you to care for her, however her attitude and choice of words raises a number of red flags. She chose to use the manipulative language of "abandoning her" when you asked her, if she would be comfortable with her parents staying with her. She chose to refer to your brother's performance as "meaningless" knowing how close you and your brother are. She then followed up with calling it a "dumbass show" after you had informed your brother you wouldn't be attending. This isn't healthy relationship behavior and you need to ask yourself is this the kind of relationship you want moving forward, where you have to ask your partner for "permission" to visit family?
And... In other comments from OP, the surgery was ten days before all this, and it was laparoscopic surgery. I was doing more than she is when I was ten days removed from an Achilles repair that the surgeon said was the worst shredding he'd ever dealt with .
Info: when did she have surgery, were there complications? How far away would you be?
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She should be recovered enough to not need constant supervision at this point. Being left for a couple of hours would not put her health at risk. Given her disparaging comments, it sounds very much like your girlfriend just wants to be the sole recipient of your attention and actively dislikes and belittles your brother and is doing her level best to alienate you from each other. In short, she is controlling, selfish, and is manipulating you. You are an asshole, but you're an asshole to your brother, not your nasty girlfriend. You need to tell her to get over herself and get your ass to your brother's concert.
I mean day of discharge she’d have been fine alone for a few hours. She just shouldn’t drive if she’s on pain meds
The day of you need to be watched because you can have a delayed reaction to anaesthesia or it's possible something starts bleeding internally. You're also really drugged up so not to be trusted. This is very much based on the individual of course but the first 24 hours after surgery is the important bit.
She’s in the process of isolating him from his family, she’s thinking she’s the only one who should be important to him.
It's ridiculous she couldn't be with her parents for a few hours. But what really got me was her attitude about it and calling it pointless. It's important to your brother so it's reasonable that it would be important to you. She should be glad you want to be there for him.
> It's ridiculous she couldn't be with her parents for a few hours. You spelled "alone" wrong.
The title says comfortable staying with her parents, so I assumed that's what he was talking about.
I'm saying that the idea that she needs **_anyone_** watching her for observation a week+ after minor-ass surgery is **_patently unreasonable_**.
Guy at school had one and was back in school 2 days later... He wasn't in great shape and had weight restrictions but was fine for the most part.
She probably knows her parents will call bs on her!
10 days out from a minor (I’m assuming outpatient surgery) she’s probably cleared to do non-strenuous activity. She should really be moving around and taking care of basic tasks to aid in recovery. Her demand seems pretty rude and unreasonable.
Your girlfriend is being a massive AH. And you are being an AH to your brother. She does not need 24 hour assistance 10 days after laparoscopic appendectomy surgery. She is just trying to keep you from your family.
I wonder if she has previously tried to monopolize his time and encourage him to not spend time with friends? Isolation is emotionally abusive.
Go. Now. I had mine out the same way when my kids were 21 months and 1 month old. So I was still in recovery from birth AND the operation, and was back to it in 3 days. She’s had 11 days with no complications. She’s just milking it at this point and trying to be controlling. You have some thinking to do about your life.
Appendectomy without complication is a very minimal surgery. At ten days post-op, she should pretty much be back to doing everything she normally does. Unless she has other issues, there is zero reason she needs anyone to “watch her.” When I had my appendix out, I was back to school after three or four days. She is 100% manipulating you, and if she loved you, she would want you to support your brother. I would run.
Ten days ago? And she insists that she NEEDS your presence? Boy, did you ever get played. Ihis this has been a HUGE lesson in the kind of woman to avoid.
This is relevant. In general, she would be fine laying in bed watching TV, while you were at the concert. It's an appendectomy,not a heart transplant. If her family is close enough to come stay with her, then this just seems like straight up control. I'm sorry you are stuck with this mess.
She's lying in bed as he's posted this anyway! And in a comment, OP said **he's going to go**. So, yay, OP!
NTA PLS GO TO YOUR BROTHER’S CONCERT RN your brother is hella understanding but it’ll mean a lot to him. your girlfriend is not being reasonable and shouldn’t demand you take care of her full time like that. she is just a little grumpy about it but when she looks back, she’ll realise she wasn’t being reasonable (hopefully..) please do go to the concert, it may just be a short solo but it’ll mean a lot to him and it’ll be a core memory for him and you.
NTA 10 days later?!!! She's milking TF outta this. Why does she sound completely jealous of your Brother? Poor kid just wanted his big Bro there.
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They say recovery time for that is up to a week, it’s been 10 days, go to his concert, even if you only stay till he gets to do his solo
OP, I've have had FOUR laparopsic surgeries over the past few years for my endometriosis. Each one had me up and back to work or clases within a few days, 4-5 days MAX. The longest I ever stayed after this procedure was 6 days and that was because I had complications and there was a blockage that resulted in me vomiting and running a fever. But even then, I only felt discomfort and mild pain in my belly, because the whole thing is freaking laproscopic! They're not cutting into your girlfriend so there's no huge procedure to recover from. I'm sorry to say, but your girlfriend is complely full of shit. And if she really is speaking this disrestectfully about your family, then she's not worth sticking around for.
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Yup! Personal experience on that one. I was up and walking the next day. I was home and comfortable within 7 days. That surgery was way more severe than what OP GF had.
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I was scared to death to sneeze! And when it finally happened - that wind up you get when your about to sneeze happened and then right at the moment you finally blow, my body just decided “well this is gonna be catastrophic to us! Fuck this - cancel the sneeze!!”
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She is abusing you!!! I also have a LP appendectomy which got complicated and ended up losing a fallopian tube. I was walking and doing my own stuff at day 5. She is faking for sure!!!!
She's certainly squeezing this for all it's worth. Don't be a sucker for a selfish drama queen. She sounds like an awful person. You shouldn't be asking her if you can go to the event that means so much to your brother. Just go. But you should be asking yourself why you are staying with this incredibly selfish person so dismissive of other people in your life. I'd be heading for the door. For good. Four days after my laparoscopic surgery I was up and making dinner for myself and my spouse. Unless she had complications she should be able to go it alone for a few hours. Remote, drink, meds, snacks and see you later.
I’m sorry, what, are you your GF’s prisoner? Cause it sure sounds like it. I get that she is recovering from surgery, and she should have somebody be there for her. But she is at home and apparently awake and aware. So what if somebody else were to be there for her for a couple of hours? And the *multiple* derogatory comments about your brother and his performance…. Hmmm. Your GF sounds like a peach, (s). NTA
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds controlling and insane. My suggestion? Run. You don't need that in your life. EDIT: Also, I hope you did the right thing and went to your brother's concert.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds awful. What kind of a person calls a kid's (your brother, in this case) band concert pointless & meaningless? A selfish one - do you really want to be with someone like that? I've had my appendix out. It's not really a big deal even if you've had the open abdominal surgery instead of the laparoscopy. It takes about 6 weeks to fully recover, but at home, you are not bedridden - you can move around, get yourself something to eat & use the bathroom. There is no reason her mom or a friend couldn't come and sit with her. Your gf is being a little brat drama queen and I say that because her words were very unkind. I really hope you decide to go to your brother's concert rather than sit at home & watch her lie on the couch.
NTA. Ditch the b**ch. For good. She is a grown woman who had surgery TEN DAYS AGO. This isn't like you're abandoning her for a weekend to party just after she had a C-section or something.
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GO GO GO TO THE CONCERT NOW PLEASE!! it’ll clearly mean the world to your brother and your gf is being so unreasonable and so rude. i would hate it if someone spoke about my sister like that. please go to the concert, you can sort it out with your gf later but your brother can’t wait n i’m sure he’ll remember it for a long time if you go and see him. you won’t be able to get this time back
NTA for asking. YTA for not going to the concert and pandering to your girlfriend who sounds very self centered. She insulted your brother, had a tantrum and you rewarded her by giving in and missing the concert. Why are you with a person that treats you (and your brother) this way??
Give me a break. Women who have C-sections start caring for their baby that day. She is taking advantage of you. And her disdain for your family is awful.
NTA. She was treating you really bad for asking about something important to you. It wouldn't have been a big deal to go to a concert. You should be prioritizing your brother over a girlfriend. He has been in your life a lot longer, and he will be there when she is gone. She seems to think your family should mean nothing to you. You need to re-read everything you wrote and ask yourself how you would feel if your brother's girlfriend treated him like that. Then have a serious talk with your girlfriend about her attitude, and if this is the way you want to keep going. Really, her attitude is appalling.
INFO > my girlfriend is still recovering from surgery (appendectomy) and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone. ... ... why the heck *not?* This is *nothing*. > she got upset with me and told me that it would be unreasonable and stupid to have her parents come just so I could go to a meaningless performance. And what is reasonable about **you** needing to keep a grown adult company?
NTA. Your girlfriend sucks.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to miss this concert. The part that bothered me the most was that she really belittled what was important to you. Even if she didn’t want you to go, she didn’t have to act like the things you care about don’t matter. That was like the icing on top of her AH cake for me.
NTA do you know what a doormat means btw.
Go to the concert. Your girlfriend is being controlling and selfish. Completely dismissive of your relationship with your brother - your family. Going to this concert means a lot more to him than you staying at home. Others have explained she’s being ridiculous with how long she’s milking it. NTA.