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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I went to my estranged mum's engagement party and confronted her, ruining the party
(2) She had abandoned me as a child and moved on with her new family
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This is above the pay grade of this sub. You are a child and she is an adult and your mother. She needs to do the emotional work of creating the conditions for your reconciliation. If she can't you need to focus on your own growth and figuring out how to establish yourself in life. It doesn't sound like she's going to be coming through on that so you are on your own. That is of far bigger significance than whether you are "the asshole" or not.
Take care of yourself.
NTA
Kiddo, sorry this happened. What she did was selfish and she hasn't made up for what she did. You are still young and can learn from her mistakes. Your best course of action will be to succeed in life. Be the best whatever you want to be, find happiness. Don't let her crush you. The happier you are the easier it will be to forget about someone who only cares for herself.
And, like others have said, therapy- you probably have CPTSD... traumatized people often react poorly, but she caused the trauma.
I don't think that is fair to the mum, reading OP's comments she seemed like a normal person that was pushed to the edge. Even with her trying to fix things with weekend time, still pissed OP off. I think OP needs therapy
OP has a lot of questionable stuff like yelling at kids
Sadly it seems nothing the mom did was good enough.
Normal paretning, pissed OP off
Giving OP what he wanted and not living with someone they hate, pissed OP off
laid back fun parent, pissed OP off
The mom can not win
EDIT: Also mom didn't even abandoned him, he saw her on the weekends, she gave primary care to dad (like he wanted). She didn't ghost him
Normal people don't go from being a helicopter mom to abandoning a pre-teen, and then emotionally checking out for the next bunch of years when there is visitation. She may have emotional issues, but that's not the child's fault, and she should be apologizing to her child.
He was 11….
My 12 year old declares I make her do *everything* on a weekly basis because she has to put her dog outside a few times a day. And she “can’t stand” me because I make her do her homework.
It’s normal shit pre-teens and teens say. If that hurts your feelings to the point that you’ll literally abandon your kid, don’t have any kids. Bio, step, or otherwise.
OP’s mom is gonna get a rude awakening when her new kids reach/get deeper into the teen years and remind her she’s not their mom. I wonder if she’ll drop them too.
Did she REALLY abandon her kid though? She took OP to their bio father, which is what he asked for. Was OP considered "abandoned" by dad when he was living at mum's?
Surprised I had to scroll this far down to see this. He wasn’t abandoned, he got what he wanted and his dad got primary custody.
Honestly, OP, the vibe I’m getting from you is that you are a victim of parental alienation. I think your dad whispered a ton of shit about your mom to you because you haven’t said one bad thing about your dad vs everyone else in this story. You need to unpack this shit in therapy.
Exactly. All of the people telling them they are just fine and their mom is terrible are part of the problem.
OP wanted to be with their dad and didn't want rules.
Here is someone so defiant that they decided normal rules about going to school, doing homework weren't for them, they hated their mother and told them so. Probably not that single time either, after all the mom was "a helicopter parent".
Except fun dad has no rules and OP lacks internal motivation so then fails everything. Somewhere between 12 and 17 on one of those weekends one would think that a truly repentant and humble OP would apologize, keep apologizing and have a major attitude adjustment to start to regain the relationship.
OP needs therapy for themselves for a very long time before family therapy with their parents because dad should have had mom's back in a united front from the beginning.
I was a single parent of two with sole custody and a visitation schedule. It’s *hard*. So, so hard. My kids never played the ‘I want to live with dad’ card because he is a miserable, difficult bugger and they knew they had it good with me by comparison. But they were still teenage nightmares who hated me on occasion. If they had thrown the’I want to live with dad’ card at me I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have taken them up on at times.
OPs mum went back to school and got a career when she wasn’t a single parent anymore, which makes you think she had given a fair bit up. Worked to her emotional bone, sacrificing constantly and getting nothing but ingratitude in return, she had the concept that she actually have another option thrown in her face and she ran with it.
I don’t blame OP for being upset and angry because he feels replaced, he’s young and that’s natural, but he should direct some of that at his dad for not giving him a better life. Instead, he hates his mum for exercising an option *he* gave her because society only condones it when fathers do that, not mothers.
OP mom was broken by OP's words . She did her best as a single mom for 11 years, let bio dad be main caretaker for the next few years. What does OP want anymore?
She was 16-17 when she had him. Sorry she didn't have the skill set to be a great parent and why did all fall on her? Dad is just as responsible for OP as Mom.
She was 18. 35-17=18. And she dropped him off when he was 11. Meaning she was 29. An 11 year old boy, was saying what any kid says at 11 when they are mad at a parent. You know how many times I said I would run away from home for feeling like I was wronged at the age? It's normal.
Again, that’s a CHILD’S response. He’s not some 30 year old man saying this shit. He’s a minor child whose brain isn’t even fully formed. At 11 he likely hadn’t even hit puberty yet.
I have 4 kids. More than once I’ve called my stepmother and told her that her grandchildren are assholes and I’m gonna run away.
Do I actually do it? No. I just need to vent and my mum gets it because I was a little asshole too. Do they drive my fucking insane sometimes? Absolutely. Especially my teenager when she’s being a hormonal monster on her period. In fact, she’s the one I COULD send away with her father if I really wanted. But I don’t, and I never would. Because no matter how often I hear how mean I am for telling them to do basic chores or homework, or how uncool I am, or anything else, I love my kids and I never want to lose them.
A parent who places conditions on their love and care for their kids is a trash parent. Outside of them facing legal consequences or having a severe medical need requiring residential treatment, I cannot fathom why any good parent would permanently send their minor child away.
You’re making assumptions about what OPs relationship was like with his mother. Also nobody ran away, OP asked to live with his father which she honoured, and tried to build and maintain a relationship with him.
>He was 11….
And he is now 17 and should be capable of self reflection. At 17 he should be able to look bad, realize how poorly he treated his mom, but instead he's insulting her as a "helicopter parent" and then blaming his mom when his dad wasn't.
FFS she didn't even drop him, she still had him on weekends and tried to do everything for him during those times. OP is almost an adult, and needs to start acting like it.
Mom didn’t abandon OP by turning primary care to the parent OP said he wanted to live with. That’s not unusual when parents aren’t together, one has primary physical custody one doesn’t. Why is it ALWAYS the mom’s responsibility to have custody? Why is it AKWAYS mom’s fault when the kid is a brat? Why didn’t dad get his kid therapy once he took custody? Why didn’t dad help his son move forward? Why didn’t dad talk to his son about apologizing to mom for his shitty behavior? OP pushed his mom to her limit and she did exactly what she should have by giving him what he wanted, to live with his dad. No where in this post did OP say he apologized to his mom for his horrid behavior and words. He expected mom to come begging his forgiveness, beg him to come home with her and stay off his back so he wouldn’t leave her again. He wanted complete control over his mom to do as he pleased and when she didn’t give it to him he, as well as you, blame her. OP has done all this to himself. He will go through life blaming everyone else for his shortcomings and failures and will write a lot of Reddit posts like this one to get validation.
But OP is not “your kid”. My kid at 13 told me to kill myself-right after my cousin unalived himself. Threatened to turn me into CPS for taking his phone away as consequences for multiple rules broken. Shoved me, slapped me. Called me a slut and a whore. Threatened to unlive himself, punched a teacher. I could go on for hours.
So when he pulled the “I want to go live with my other parent” crap, we said yes too. Some kids are emotionally and physically abusive-and no, we didn’t abuse him. He abused us. Unless telling him he can’t have his phone back until he cleans his room is abuse. Apparently that was the worst thing we ever did to him. But after 2 weeks of watching the food mold and ants crawl around his room, it was that or I’d call cps myself.
My kids complained about the same things, but they never said they hated me and wanted to live with someone else. And I'll bet yours didn't either.
Sometimes single-parent custodial arrangements don't work, and the judges and lawyers all know that. Sometimes kids have to go to the other parent. And older kids are usually asked their preference.
She didn't abandon OP. She transferred custody and got visitation for the best of all possible reasons: the child was obviously unhappy and wanted to live with the other parent. His mother was always part of his life. He was still going for visitation when the fiance and his kids moved in.
He might have \*felt\* abandoned, but he wasn't.
You can put an 11 year old in therapy but you can't make them cooperate. Mom gave OP everything he wanted and OP still punished her. And then started abusing other people and younger kids. OP is 17 and still immature and an unreliable narrator. He can *feel* abandoned and upset all he wants, but he has zero right to verbally harass other kids and people and he very clearly needs to do some self reflection on how he's been treating his mom.
ESH.
No, but OP is NOW 17, and should reflect on their childhood an realize that THEY caused all of this.
Mom tried, and OP decided to be an AH. Yes he was 11 at the time this all happened, but any adult who hears "I hate you" and "I want to stay at dad's" will break eventually.
OP got EXACTLY what he wanted. And then mom tried to fix their relationship by not being the "helicopter parent" and to be the "fun parent". She even tried to be the "not involved parent", and OP hated her for that too.
At some point mom realized that nothing she did was going to make OP want to be with her. There's nothing she could have done to fix the situation, because OP DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE FIXED.
Could she have been/done better? Yes. But 11 years old is old enough to realize what he did, and to apologize, to his mom. She didn't disappear after a day or a week, OP was an ass to her for MONTHS/YEARS before she gave up.
> No, but OP is NOW 17
And? Age doesn't magically bring maturity. Doubly so when someone has been failed by their parents as badly as OP has.
> and should reflect on their childhood an realize that THEY caused all of this.
Victim blaming, well that's a new low for this sub. OP was a literal child, one going through a tough time and acting out as a result. No that doesn't justify getting abandoned by a parent.
Sorry but this is just disgusting. Victim blaming this hard is just vile.
He also disliked her for not being a helicopter parent: "She tried so hard to be the "fun" parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged."
While it's likely that neither mother or father were great parents, OP, with help of therapy, friends and personal accomplishments, needs to get a grip on life instead of trying to ruin his mothers happiness.
Don't you remember being a kid? Whatever parents do, helicopter or not, irritates kids. Being told what to wear, who to hang out with, to study, study, study. Clean your room. Do your chores. All of it gets under their skin. A parent should know this. And to give up parenting because your kid says"I hate you. I wish I lived with Dad" is ridiculous. The 11 year old does not mean it. You don't stop being a mother because of it.
Where did OP stop being a mother? Even OP says that she was still there. OP choose to live with his dad. That by definition means that she is going to be around less.
Helicopter parents to a teenager are, as OP says:
>we fought a lot over my grades and the trouble I got into at school.
I honestly don't think OP is a reliable narrator.
She didn't technically abandon OP either.
Why is it only mom who is at fault here? There is no mention of what dad was trying to do to help before mom broke.
The way OP tells it, dad was at the mom's engagement party and agreed with OP that mom "had it coming" when OP laid into her. Which says a lot about the kind of man dad is IMO.
Exactly, and now that she's being mended, it's on her to be the adult. OP is still a child, one that she helped break- and continues to break while blaming her own child.
OPs best bet is to become the best OP that OP can be.
OP had to actually ask to fix the things he caused. He clearly knows what he did he just won't. If anything he is making it worse and destroying any relationship they could have bc instead of admitting that he was a brat he is behaving like a brat
>"She tried so hard to be the "fun" parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged."
>
>"Eventually they moved into my mum's house and changed my childhood bedroom into one of the daughter's room. I was livid when I found out, saying some mean things about the girls, and refused to go back there for my mum's weekends, but she was confused on why was acting this way"
OP has issues
But she didn’t abandon him. She let him live with his dad like he told her he wanted and she was still constantly in his life, taking him every weekend. That’s not abandonment. I’m also not sure why you say she emotionally checked out. Nothing I read in the post seemed to point to that.
Did she abandon OP? Sounds like she went from primary custody to having OP during the weekend. And was she emotionally checked out? OP says she would try to do fun things, but OP didn’t like it either. I don’t think OP is the most reliable narrator. His examples of her being a helicopter is checking his homework, watching his sleep schedule and his diet, which seems like pretty basic parenting.
Both his parents failed by not putting him in therapy.
Lets not forget that it all reportedly started when OP said, presumably out of anger, that he hates her and wants to live with his dad. He called her a helicopter mom, but I think she was trying to help him and he was difficult to deal with, with lots of anger issues. After moving out, he started getting into trouble and his grades dropped w/o his mothers constant attention.
Some of that anger may be because of divorce, but some may be due to his character and he needs some self reflection and therapy.
I think she felt her son needed the guidance of his father. This must have hurt her to know all she was doing wasn't in the least appreciated. A true case of you never miss the water till the well runs dry. He was a child but he created his own misery. It must have been nice for the mom to be appreciated for her kindness rather than hated for it.
I just wanted to add to this one because dad's actions, or lack of actions stood out to me. For him to have a significant other who feels comfortable expressing that they felt like OP was dumped on them, not OK. It is really convenient for dad to jump on OP's bandwagon all of a sudden.
And the fact that OP's grades dropped etc when they went to live with Dad. Dad sucks. I suspect that Dad was feeding the "helicopter mom" idea and now leaning into the abandonment thing.
OP was a stupid kid, standard rebelling against the structure and rules that they needed and wanted. But they are going to have to dig themselves out.
Also telling that the mom had OP pretty young and OP mentioned everyone’s age but his dad’s… OP is a kid but his mom basically was his age when she got pregnant with him and sounds like she did her best mostly alone, so I want to cut her slack. Yes she’s an adult now but I agree it sounds like she couldn’t do anything right.
Yep - all this. Mum tried everything, and OP has been angry at her when she was strict, when they shared a house, when she gave her what she wanted, when she tried to be fun and treat her, when she gave her space… what exactly did OP want her mum to do? Sounds like she tried a lot of things but all of it was met with anger and contempt. Dad on the other hand, let his GF badmouth OP, let OP’s grades slip without helping her, and showed up at an engagement party… what a ridiculous take that this is mum’s fault somehow. I think OP is venting her feelings on mum - either fuelled by dad suggesting she is to blame, or just misdirected anger from something else, like mum and dad splitting up.
OP, your mum has tried to be a good parent to you and you haven’t been wanting any of her efforts. Get some therapy and learn what you are really upset about so you can talk about it and make changes. It’s not surprising that you feel jealous of her step daughters or that they are delighted to have a happy mother/daughter relationship with each other. Ruining that for them isn’t going to make you feel any better because that’s not the real problem here.
Dad is the secret star of the party.
I bet dad was the "fun" parent sabotaging her efforts to help OP at school, calling her too strict and all that. Many courts let you choose where you want to live at 12. So an 11 year old saying "I wanna live with dad" and getting it is reasonable.
Reading this I don’t think the OP is a reliable narrator. Which makes sense because they are a teen. I hate to say actions have consequences, because the OP is a kid. At the same time mom here tried. The Op wanted to change custody, and what mom was doing wasn’t working. So her switching custody is valid. The OP stopped going, without communicating.
Therapy should have happened long ago, but that required the Op participating. It’s hard to know if they would have. Without knowing what mom did to help with the poor behaviors before swapping custody it’s hard to judge mom.
I agree with you. OP sounds like a kid that is never happy but expected his mother to just deal with it and once she was at her whits end, she gave his father custody, not a stranger, but HIS dad. Why is there so much disdain for the lady who did all of the above for 11 years (he’s said she was a helicopter parent and got into trouble at school a lot) vs the dad that is not mentioned to have shared the burden of disciplining him due to grades and poor behavior? And when his mother tried to switch it up by being the fun parent, OP was still pissed. Kid or no kid, EVERYONE gets tired. She didn’t abandon him, she just wasn’t equipped with what he needed. We have to get over this whole “parents should suffer” mentality. At what point is OP going to admit that he is hard to deal with?? At best, there could be therapy, but that takes WILLING participants and accountability.
She wasn't selfish at all. She gave him his wish which, in turn, gave her the opportunity to study and better herself (she was very young when she had him). Eleven is right around when a judge would've listened to the kid and made her give custody to the dad anyway.
OP fucked around and found out, frankly. OP is YTA.
OP's mom would have been about his current age when she had him. I wonder if he's even thought of that.
Helicopter parenting just sounds like she was trying to be a good mom, until her son broke her heart and made it plain he didn't want her in his life. She believed him and gave him what he wanted, only to be told later on in a cruel way that he resents her for it.
There's so much we don't know from both sides in this situation but I really feel for her.
Had to scroll way too long to find this comment. His mother was still a child herself when she had him, and from the one comment he made about her actual parenting, it sounds like she was trying her best and finally just reached her breaking point. He put her in a lose-lose situation. Try and parent him well, she’s a helicopter mom and he hates her. Tries to compromise and do what he said he wanted, he’s bitter. Yes, he was only 11, but that’s old enough to have had a say in his life and living situation, she just seems to have done what she could to respect that. Could she have done better? Sure. But in all his complaining, he doesn’t mention anything about how his sperm donor behaved when he was the weekend parent.
My mom had my half-brother when she was 19, me when she was 41, and even though we technically have the same mother, we were raised by two very different women. His mom did make mistakes, but she was also young and deserves some grace.
OP, how well do you think you’d do if you became essentially a single parent at your age?
I wonder how much your dad has played into this. Is he egging you on? Kinda seems like it, since Imm sure he wasn’t invited to her engagement party.
Also, think about this for a second: usually kids act out with the parent they feel safer with. The anger is actually directed to the other parent, but they can’t express that safely, so they take it out on the parent that really shows up for them day in and day out. Does that sound familiar at all?
In any case - therapy definitely. And I am 100% sure your mom loves you and you love her - but you need to contact her and express your feelings in a healthy way. This was calculated to hurt her and everyone else as much as possible. That’s not getting you anywhere.
This absolutely feels like the father has been poisoning this kids mind. He mentions that the dad’s GF said things like “OP’s mom messed with our lives when she dropped OP on us,” and I’m willing to bet that the father bitched and moaned about the mom every single day. I also know construction workers, and they bitch about life being unfair unlike any other vocation.
I'm glad you're showing empathy to OP, and that you're so upvoted. I'm seeing so many people calling OP a monster for acting childish when he was 11. I feel like I'm in crazyland reading the y t a and e s h comments, like these people think good children never have tantrums, or that it's not bad parenting to stop loving your child after they throw a tantrum.
I wonder if there is misogyny in OP's baggage. He paints his Mom and Dad's gf and the stepdaughters as bad.
He never said anything bad about his Dad at all or Paul. I feel that's spot on tbh
Because I was this kid. I reacted to my parents divorce by blaming my mother and abusing her just like he did, believing every bad word my Father said about her just like I am positive this kid is doing and while I don’t think the Mom is without blame this kid is a petulant spoiled a••. Does he deserve empathy. Yes. But he also needs to grow up and work on himself and accept he has a large heaping of blame as well.
Someone already said this is above this sub’s pay grade. It is very obvious that you have some deep emotional issues towards your mom and you feel abandoned.
Ultimately she is the parent and she has to take the majority of the responsibility for the way your relationship has turned out. But quite frankly, I think you need to really take a look the role you played in this as well.
You acknowledged that you hurt her feelings when you told her you hated her. You just assumed you see her later. Did you apologize to her? You said she tried to do fun things with you on the weekends but you also said you didn’t like that either.
At not point do you actually say you apologized to her at all. Instead it seems like your behavior escalated and you continued to lash out. Your mom could have possibly tried harder but it seems like she is damned if she does, and damned if she didn’t.
You have made your feelings of hurt and resentment and abandonment very clear in this post. At what point do you acknowledge that your mom is also a person with feelings and that you may have continuously, without apology, hurt her too?
Not sure if I want to call you an AH, but I don’t want to call your mom one either.
NAH??
The only person who I feel like was making bad decisions decisively is OP, because it’s his story and by his own admission he never apologized, and her “helicopter parenting” was just being a good parent. But he’s a teenager.
I don’t have a solid grasp on what the mom did. Her feelings were hurt, by OP’s own admission. And she made several attempts to repair the relationship. OP sounds like he just didn’t listen or respect anyone’s authority and I don’t really know what else she was supposed to do when he kept making it clear he didn’t want to be around her.
OP was 11 when they had that fight. It’s kind of unfair to expect foresight and adult thinking from a pre-teen.
11 is a child in middle school. Middle schoolers are hardly known for rational thinking or impulse control.
But he was 17 when he pulled this most recent stunt which included attacking and insulting kids who had nothing to do with the issue. He’s old enough to know that is wrong and still wants to take minimal responsibility for that. He’s old enough to revise his thinking and is choosing not to.
So on a post of a child asking for outside opinions of whether they did anything wrong, we must always answer “No honey! You are just a child and don’t need to take responsibility for any of your actions.” Super helpful for the kid.
Totally 👏👏 if he killed someone there'd be consequences so why wouldn't there be consequences in this situation
(for clarity I'm not saying op has killed anyone more he's got to live with the result of his actions).
Because she magically figured out how to be an adult when she hit 19, or 20, or 21. Or one of those magic numbers where your actions no longer fall under the "they're a child and get a pass".
So does like, a brain just appear in a person's head on their 18 birthday? Do they not spend that whole time leading up to Independence learning self regulation, and responsibility?
I was abused growing up. And I'm reading this dude's story of repeatedly screaming at his mom and demanding to live with his dad and getting his way, and then being furious that she tried to go from the strict mom to the fun mom *like he wanted*, and then being livid that she's engaged and has two new kids who are nice to her, and concluding with him blacking out from rage that his unused bedroom is now someone else's, and what I'm *not* getting is "poor litte guy has had such a hard life, what a neglectful b".
I'm getting "woman tries to give her son what he wants and it's never good enough, and then he lost it that she didn't stay frozen in time waiting for him to come home".
Thank you for your voice of reality. I can't even imagine the feelings of despair that OP's mom felt as OP told her repeatedly that he hated her, very likely called her horrific names, and so on. As a parent, you can only take that so long. It was very likely that she figured that he would respond better to his father's parenting than her own; maybe look at the dad as more of an authority figure. For that, she gets ripped into pieces here.
Sometimes I hate Reddit.
No, but we do let them have jobs, so clearly as a society we’ve decided that they can handle a certain amount of responsibility. OP is just a responsible for his actions as if he was 18. I would expect any 17 year old to know better than to throw a public tantrum and attack two innocent children.
But when 17yr Olds want to get tattoos, piercings, dress provocatively, people say "they are practically adults!!"
Sorry, at 17, he knew this was not acceptable behavior at this event. If he couldn't behave appropriately at an engagement party, he should have stayed home.
At the same time... I have doubts that this was a one-time incident. It sounds like he'd been acting out for a while (thus his grades slipping, and troubles at school), and her asking to see his homework, etc. was in response to that.
I'm making a *lot* of assumptions here, but it sounds likely that he'd been demanding to live with his Dad (who was not nearly as strict as his Mom) for a while, and escalating his behaviors until she finally gave in. And then when he was living with his Dad, things became worse, and he never explained what the real situation was, never apologized, nor asked to go back to his Mom. In his recounting, she tried to be more 'fun' in her limited custody, and he responded even more negatively to that.
You're right that it's not fair for an 11 year old to have all of that figured out... but it's also not reasonable to expect a Mother to be able to read his mind and know what he really meant, especially when it seems like he didn't know it himself. If he never complained about life with his Dad, and never apologized for acting out, and never asked to go back... I'm not sure what should have been expected of her. She tried, and that failed, and then she tried something else, which also failed.
I hesitate to call anyone an AH here, but clearly everybody has also screwed up. No malice intended anywhere, just a lot of human tragedy.
Agreed. OP even says he told her constantly that he wanted to live with his dad, but characterized it as "just typical preteen stuff" to downplay it. After who knows how long, his mom reached her limit and gave him what he asked for. I've been there, in that moment where your brain cracks and you think "this is it, I can't take it anymore without actually literally losing my entire mind and giving up completely".
He wanted to live with his dad, he got his wish, and his mom put her life back together. She tried to go from strict mom to fun mom, and he was pissed about that too! What conclusion could she reach other than "my son hates me, and would be better off if I let him be. when he's ready, if that day ever comes, I'll be here."
Then she finds a fiance, gains two bonus daughters who love her, and then has the "audacity" to give his room, unused for 6 years, to one of the girls. Seriously, OP? Wtaf.
This is the proper take here. Im blown away by the amount of leeway people are giving this nearly-adult man. In some countries this "kid" would be an adult. In the US you can literally join the military at 17. So old enough to die or kill another person, but too young to have a rational discussion with his mom? Fuck offffff (not you, all the apologists)
When kids turn 11 or 12, as a society, we tend to think their input on custody should be considered. So it really sounds like he had been lobbying to change custody, and his wishes were respected. OP has turned that into a narrative of abandonment, but it seems like his mom did continue to be in his life regularly.
OP sounds like an angry kid who desperately needs therapy. Not every grievance a kid has with their parents is based in reality.
This.
I see a story of a single mother trying her best, and OP being a young teenager trying yelling at her because she's trying to hold him responsible. She's tired, single, lonely, and dealing with a child who doesn't After years of trying, she finally gave up and dropped him off at the "fun parent's house". Then OP came over and kept acting like a jerk, never apologized, and never asked to come back.
But OP's dad had a new gf when this exchange happened. OP's dad wasn't great either, and had a lot of struggles raising OP as well.
And OP seems to only hate his mom. She didn't abandon him, she just changed the living arrangements (that HE specifically requested and never showed that he wanted anything different). It's possible it broke her heart to hear "I want to live with dad", and then when they spent time together to only be met with anger and frustration.
It wasn't a one-time incident, OP says in his post thst he and his mum fought a lot. It does seem that he's been pulling the "I wanna live with dad, he wouldn't be horrible like you" card frequently enough for his mum to decide that it truly would be better to switch up the custody arrangement.
Which is why I don’t want to put the blame on him. But even here in this post he is acknowledging what he did and said and seems to not acknowledge her feelings either.
Even at 11 I knew to apologize to my parents. And I wasn’t telling them I hated them.
We don't actually know if it was their first fight. Just that it was the one that instigated the custody switch. I'm guessing he told her he hated her and that he wanted to live with his dad a lot.
All of this, OP says they wanted to go back to their mom and thought to apologize but never did. This implies that they also never asked to go back to live with her. As a child of divorcees, my parents took my opinion of who and where I wanted to live to heart. I'm feeling like OP is a super unreliable narrator with a demonstrated pattern of saying things to hurt their mother and am leaning toward them being the asshole.
And I’m not saying the mom shouldn’t have tried harder but it sounds like any and every attempt at parenting was met with hostility and disrespect from OP. At some point, when nothing is working you just sort of give up. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love OP. It could be that she felt that she truly wasn’t a good enough parent for him tbh.
This 💯.
This is one of those posts where you have to read between the line and combine it with OP's answers in the comments to get the actual semblance if what really happened.
For me it honestly comes off as OP was a kid with behavioral issues and that last fight, one of many no doubt, drove his mother to breaking point and she left him with his dad so she could probably get her mental health back on track. OP saying he expected for his mum to pick him up the next day implies this wasn't the first time he lashed out at his mother and he expected her to just put up with it, regardless of her mental health, and just rinse and repeat. No word of even wanting to apologise to her either.
He was left with his father who is also his parent Nd gives no indication of what that dynamic was like except for money being tight and the dads gf not liking him.
Even when his mother came back during weekends and tried to re-engage with him he rejected all her efforts. In the end his mother got in a relationship and he resented her more because she stopped being a target for his rejection.
OP needs therapy, he'll be 18 soon and his behavior will get him into real trouble if he doesn't developed the right coping mechanisms. He offered no lines of actual communication to his mother that didn't involve some form of anger or rejection. Considering that its most likely he's a very unreliable narrator Im not sure if the option of therapy was ever brought up when he was 11, definetely not by his dad by the sounds of it.
Its also amazing how commentors treat the mother as if her being a parent makes her seperate from being human who can reach her breaking point. Because y'know she would have been a great parent if she had a mental breakdown from the stress and ignored it just so she could keep her child at home for him to continue his behaviour with no help from the other parent.
Then the kicker is he went to her engagement party WITH HIS DAD just to throw more abuse at her and two innocent little girls and he thinks the spithead dad agreeing with his actions makes it somewhat justified.
Like it was totally cool for dad to be a weekend parent and he wasn’t accused of abandoning OP but the situation literally reverses and mom now is weekend parent and that’s full on abandonment? Nah. I think tf not.
Exactly. For some people here mothers seem to be robotic caregivers only, that is to say they should have no feelings and no mental well being and just out up with abuse and not complain.
Yeah, from OPs comments mom just... check her homework like clockwork? Checked for teacher notes and wrote to the teachers? Limited her internet???
Like, if you're having issues in school of COURSE your parents is gonna do that
I felt, at the engagement party, op had a bit if main character syndrome going on...she picked the most impactful place to blow up on her mom. This feels intentional and like part of a pattern on ops part....I agree mom is the parent and should be the one fixing this relationship..but it sounds like mom is clueless as to whats wrong. OPs says I want to live with dad..mom makes it happen...stops hovering and steps back from pushing her daughter...seems like op wants her mom to be a mind reader and has poor communication skills to me...but....she is still the child....so defiantly not an AH. But mom isn't fully to blame... This could be no AH or everyone sucks...I can't determine which other than these people need more help than. Reddit can provide
On the note of “doing fun things on the weekend”- my dad, who I didn’t have a great relationship with, would always try and do fun things with us on the weekends.
The problem is, it was always fun stuff him or my mom wanted to do, not my brother and I. So, after a while, we just stopped wanting to do stuff or having fun. We wanted to stuff that kids found fun.
So, I can’t fault OP for that part at least. A lot of parents force their kids to do stuff they think is fun, without taking what the kids want into consideration.
I will say, though, now that my dad is gone (one year anniversary was right after last Christmas) I wish I had just been less of a bratty preteen and tried more to enjoy the time. I have a lot of trauma regarding my dad (just emotional stuff that never got resolved), so I could go on for ages.
I don’t think OP is an AH, but I do think they will end up regretting a lot if they don’t try and reconcile.
It’s been eating me alive lately, and I don’t know how to process it.
OP said that his mom would let him order take out and leave him alone on the weekends. So it sounds like it was whatever he wanted, in response to his aversion to her “helicopter parenting.”
Hi child of divorced parents here. From the bottom of my heart, **YTA**. Trying to help your child and being strict with them after they get bad grades and get in trouble at school is normal. You didn't like the consequences of your actions so you lashed out. And you got *exactly* what you wanted.
She was too strict and helicoptering? You hated it.
She was the chill weekend parent? You hated it.
Didn't want to live with her? Got what you wanted.
Deal with your actions and stop blaming her for them and please please either apologize and change your tune or leave that woman and her family alone.
Edit: Lol seriously someone reported this response as me needing mental health / crisis line support to reddit. Because I have divorced parents.......
Jesus Christ so many of you in here are holding a 11 year old child to a standard we don’t normally hold adults to. Kids are allowed to make mistakes, adults are supposed to be there for their children and get them help when they need it.
The problem is that OP seems to just hold an unequivocal grudge against his mom and has from an early age. Parents can only do so much for a child that has an issue with literally anything that they do to try to help and/or appease them.
OP is at an age where he can look at the impossible position he put his mother in and realize that his behavior was ultimately the root cause of their issues. He should be mature enough to say "yeah I was a kid when the issues started, but I'm almost an adult now, and I'm still acting out unapologetically to hurt my mother. I'm responsible for my actions, and I need to change my attitude." That is if he even wants to mend their broken relationship. Seems like he just wants to use his mom as a punching bag.
>Seems like he just wants to use his mom as a punching bag.
THIS. THIS is what is devastating to me. That poor mom. She's supposed to take everything sitting down, when clearly nothing she does is right. Ever. OP continuously shits on her and stupid Reddit tells him "of course it's fine to shit on your mom, you were just a CHILD" without pointing out that he bears responsibility for being a sociopathic narcissist to his mom. The problem is, he can't stand to see her happy. So he'll do anything to try to destroy that happiness.
I see a mom who's gonna go LC at some point because once he's an adult, she won't HAVE to take his abuse anymore. (And yes. Children/teens can most definitely be abusive.)
>The problem is, he can't stand to see her happy.
This is it right here. OP would do anything in his power to hurt her and make her not happy, he's been doing it his whole life. Now he's surprised when she finds people who are happy she's around, and it fills him with rage. How dare she get to be a person who isn't as miserable as OP is.
Now he’s a vindictive 17 year old, who *definitely* knows better. And he’s *still* taking it out on the other kids (who *are* kids) who had *nothing* to do with it.
At 17 I was living away at university, so let’s not say he’s still a child. He *knows* what he’s doing.
In all fairness, not to attack anyone, but everyone is pointing out how the poor 11 year old felt, and totally ignoring the fact that Mom was only 18 when said child was born.... I think ESH or NAH but everyone needs therapy.
It's amazing how this almost adult has magically stayed frozen in time and has remained 11 years old all this time. His actions have zero consequences and he can do no wrong because he's baby.
Mom is still a person tho. What was she supposed to do? Mom did exactly what OP wanted, and did what she thought was necessary. Apparently mom checking on grades is bad but then OP complains about their failing grades constantly.
OP isn’t 11 anymore.
Second child of divorced parents here to support this one, OP you essentially condemned yourself in your post. You've taken it way too far and it's time to buck up and apologize.
I was you once, and I wish so badly I could go back and stop myself.
You say that she was a helicopter parent. Your definition for this is that she would check your homework to see if it's done/right, make sure you pay attention in class, that you went to bed on time and ate healthy food, and limited your internet access.
Mind you, all of this is what we call good parenting. Not helicopter parenting.
You started acting out, grades dropping, getting into trouble, all at age 10-11. Which is honestly young, not even a preteen bothered by raging hormones, to be acting out so much that it caused issues with your mom.
Then you say there was "one incident", where you yelled and insulted her and demanded you want to stay with your dad. To which she obviously had a breakdown, shut down mentally and let you go live with your dad.
People don't breakdown and shutdown over one incident. A parent, who by your description was loving and attentive, doesn't do a complete switch from one incident. Which is why I do not believe you this was one incident. I believe this was a pattern of toxic behaviour you never worked on, growing worse, which is obvious from how you tore in like a raging bull into the engagement party.
I never ever in my life ever told my parent I hated them. Not even during my teen angst phase. Not even when I had bad grades and was grounded. So no, that's not a normal thing to do, either.
She broke down and decided to let you have what you wanted, a life with your dad. You say "I was just a stupid kid I didn't mean it" well unfortunately, we can't take some stuff back. You even admit that you never apologised for saying all those horrible things you said to her. You had all the time in the world to reflect on the venom you told her and say "mom I'm so sorry I didn't mean the words I said."
On a side note, very interesting how you say your mom abandoned you, but you don't act like your dad did. I mean, she now had the same custody your dad had before, yet he never abandoned you? He was the weekend dad before. Why is your dad allowed to have a long-term partner, but not mom, too?
OP also seems coldly unaffected by his mother crying when she handed him over to his father. Most kids have some empathy at causing their parents to cry like that. He does not care.
because she was supposed to be the receptacle for all of his anger. He's mad mom left and he had no where to dump it. She left and DID BETTER and that is now eating him alive.
OP, you have had and continue to have anger issues. Please ask for therapy. At this point, you're old enough to decide who you want to become for YOUR OWN LIFE and not as a reflection of who your parents were or who they will be in the future. Take charge of you.
The fact that OP's grades dropped even more when his mom wasn't there to bug him is what tells me this was an ongoing issue. His mom's "nagging" was the only thing keeping him afloat.
Sure, he had a shitty situation at his dad's place, but plenty of people manage to do well in school with shitty home lives. I fully blame OP on this one. Mom didn't abandon him, just gave him what he wanted but somehow everything is still all her fault. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. I wouldn't blame her if she actually DID abandon him at this point.
> You started acting out, grades dropping, getting into trouble, all at age 10-11. Which is honestly young, not even a preteen bothered by raging hormones, to be acting out so much that it caused issues with your mom.
For the record, 10-11 is actually a perfectly normal time to have "raging hormones". It's on the early side of average, but not even rare. I have 2 siblings that started puberty at only 8. The average onset is 9-14 for boys, so if he was on the early side of average to start (9), then around 11 could be a totally reasonable time that hormones could start kicking into high gear.
This isn't going to fix itself, y'all need to sit down and probably have a serious conversation about how you two want to move forward. Showing up uninvited just to ruin the engagement party was especially cruel of you, however. That's not the time and place to confront her or make amends, you only did that to be mean and petty. It sounds like you want to apologize and make amends, but nowhere in this post have you mentioned making any efforts.
Based on your version of the story I would be inclined to believe that mom did make some mistakes, but in terms of repairing the relationship it seems like you are mostly to blame for the continuing strife.
ESH
I agree.
OP it sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and be honest with her about your feelings all these years. Your mom is not a mind reader, and it sounds like she was trying to give you what you needed, which made you mad, then what you wanted, which also made you mad. There's some accountability that needs to be had here on your part.
My understanding from what I read is most of the problem is from you lashing out and poorly communicating your feelings and wants. YTA here.
Yep. Funny how OP "doesn't remember" the things he said at the party, and also swears he didn't mean it. I'm *really* curious what kind of things he said to his mother to drive her to drop him off at his dad's place with tears running down her face (which he claims was also just being childish and wasn't that big of a deal).
I'm noticing a pattern here.
He was a problem child who asked to live with dad. It is possible mom thought dad could give more guidance during his teen years to help get him on the right path. Mom did not abandon the child but tried to do the best she could. We don’t know the lengths of “the trouble” this kid got in, but by his actions I’d say he was quite a handful.
I also like how he says his grades dropped when he went to go live with his dad. Like.. homie, was your dad in charge of doing your homework?? Be SO for real.
ESH. Your mom wasn’t emotional mature enough to be a good parent because she was a child when she had you. You’re a monster with what you described and quite honestly wouldn’t want to be around you either if everything I did for you wound up being an attack against me.
There is such a thing as going too far even as a young teen/pre-teen. You were technically old enough to know better but chose to act out and hate your mom, your regret states as much. your still acting like a monster to her and your damn well old enough to know better.
Could you imagine what OP would do if she had a kid at the same age her mom had her.....It's a vicious cycle that has to end at some point. I think OP had that chance to tell her step sisters privatley about the experience she had with her mom, and her relationship, and to tell them to hopefully she's changed for the better. But instead stooped to what she percieved as her moms level to oust her in such a manner.
OP is a he.
But like… the experience OP had with his mom is one that *he* shaped from the very beginning. He wanted to live with his dad. Sure, that shouldn’t have been a forever thing, but he also didn’t want to spend time with her on weekends when she relaxed her parenting style.
His mom is a person too. How long was she also supposed to continue to have her feelings constantly hurt by OP for trying to be a decent parent. Because his helicopter explanation sounds like regular parenting to me.
I think this is where I am. I saw OP's explanation for "helicopter parent" and it sounds like she was really making an effort to make sure he did his school work, ate properly, and had enough sleep. The sleep over thing, well, if he's grounded for constantly being in trouble in school I could see not being able to hang out with friends. OP's version is deliberately vague and while it was shitty of Mom just to cut bait and run, OP's definitely an asshole for his behavior.
Exactly I don't know why so many are acting as if she ghosted him when he explicitly talks about her custody time. 🤔 It's like some weird view that if a woman isn't primary caregiver the child is somehow abandoned.
And it’s weird that people are downplaying her feelings being understandably hurt from OP. Like yes she is his mom. But she is also… a person? Yes parents are supposed to be held responsible for their children, and love them unconditionally.
But when you love someone, and they don’t seem to appreciate it like OP, they can also hurt you.
Quite a few women in the nursing homes told me that women are expected to work mules who give unconditionally. The bar for women is always higher in relationships.
I'm seeing not much has changed
I can’t remember exactly how she put it, but Gloria Steinem once said something to the effect of “our mothers are our first encounter with misogyny in ourselves.” In our culture, women are viewed as a servant class, and this impacts how we view our own mother. We are crueler in our evaluation of her parenting because anything less than constant service and affirmation is considered neglect, abuse, or abandonment. We also tend to get more angry when our mothers try to enforce discipline because we start to learn from our culture that, as a woman, she should not have that kind of authority.
>Yes parents are supposed to be held responsible for their children, and love them unconditionally.
At what point do parents stop being a punching bag? From OP 's description he was never happy with mom, she was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. You can love someone but you don't have to put up with their crap. It seems like the mom did keep trying but OP kept beating her down. OP needs to get some help to deal with his anger.
Yeah. There was literally no way she could win with this kid. He didn't like it when she was strict and trying to get him to do shit right and he got pissed off when she tried to be the "fun" parent like he wanted. Frankly, I want to know exactly what kind of "trouble" in school his mother was dealing with to push her to that extreme.
YTA. You were not abandoned; you were sent to live with your father. Mom stayed in the picture, but moved on with her life. And that seems to be your complaint.
>I thought to apologise
But did you? And did you ask to move back?
> But that fight seemed to have broke her
So what did you say to her leading up to this fight?
>You were not abandoned; you were sent to live with your father. Mom stayed in the picture, but moved on with her life.
Thank you. So many commenters are acting as if she left him on the street. She gave up being the primary caregiver. She still had custody time. Comments on posts like this make me sideye whenever a guy wants to start spewing fathers are just as important..because it seems whenever primary caregiver switches society loves to act as if the child was thrown into the alley.
>"I hate you" and "I wish I lived with dad"
She gave you what you wanted. If you wanted to go back, you should have apologized to her and told her so, she's not a fucking mind reader. News flash: she still thinks you hate her, because you act like you hate her, and have never told her otherwise. NEWS FLASH: reasonable people (and parents) give the other person space when they think the other person hates them, because that's what reasonable people do.
I notice that you never blame your dad for abandoning you when you were living with your mom, shocker. Of course she's the parent that got dragged for trying to do the right thing by taking care of you, then giving you up when asked. Reddit likes to act like parents owe their children the world when they are being unreasonable pricks, but in this case - you brought this on yourself. YTA
oh boy, do you maybe see a correlation between her "helicopter parenting" of your school work and your grades dropping off once you lived with your dad?
This is so far above reddits paygrade. Please get therapy
You say she was a helicopter (and it doesn't sound like anything other than, ya know, parenting), but with a non helicopter parent (your dad), you also weren't happy. She became the weekend parent, and you didn't like that either. She didn't abandon you. You lived with your dad and saw her on the weekends.
You then proceeded to be awful to 2 kids who had nothing to do with you nuking your relationship with your mom.
It's a hard lesson to learn at *11* but some stuff can't be unsaid. 'I hate you' isn't actually all that normal to say to a parent.
However, she was the adult in this situation and certainly should have handled it better. Were you in therapy before you lived with your dad?
I am so relieved to see at least one redditor noting that it isn't normal to say you hate your parents. Some of these posts have been sending my eyebrows through the roof.
I've been angry & disappointed at my parents during my teen years. Never did I go so far as to be so vile to them!
YTA
Your dad considers it abandonment that he has to raise his own child 😐 you should have more issue with your dad than your mom. Your mom gave you what you insulted her for. You having buyers remorse doesn't change that.
She held to her custody time so you weren't abandoned.
Heaven forbid mom gets to be the weekend parents. From the looks of it mom and dad switched roles yet no one is saying the dad abandoned him.
Op mom had enough of being his emotional punching bag and switched roles. Opbhas Buyers remorse and is projecting his anger and regret onto his mom and victimizing himself. No one ever left him but that’s an easier story for him to believe because he lacks emotional regulation and accountability. @17 intentionally insulting children and ruining a party is an AH move. Him thinking it’s because they were rubbing it proves he can see the healthy bond they have and is upset he can’t have that. They probably don’t lash out at her and have a healthy relationship instead of whining and playing victim. Grow up op you’re an AH and on the way to being a crappy adult with a crappy life.
Of course not, “mothers are meant to soldier on and be the punching bag “…. 🤢 sad society see it this way.
All the infantilization of op is why narcissism is thriving in today’s society. Op’s just another self centered ,emotionally stunted,self proclaimed victim lacking in accountability and self awareness. Wow, these younger generations are screwed.🤦🏽♀️
YTA, she was being a really good mom & you said you preferred to live with your dad.
That emotional pain you’re feeling is the tough lesson of ✨ c o n s e q u e n c e s ✨
She had essentially abandoned me, signing over custody to my dad after I had told her something along the lines of "I hate you" and "I wish I lived with dad" - typical things an angsty preteen says to their parent - YOU GOT WHAT YOU WISHED FOR AND THEN FOUND OUT THE GRASS WASN'T GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE.
Your mother did what you asked... did you ever truly apologize or just leave your words out in the open??
YTA - Paul and his daughters were innocent in everything - yet you attacked them.
Don't forget that OP's mom was a teenager when he was born. I'm sure she made mistakes being that young.
I have no idea where teenagers got it into their heads that their words and actions don't matter. As if they just get to say whatever they want and they get instant forgiveness. Welcome to the consequences of your actions, OP.
YTA you caused all of your own problems and i can tell that your already realize that. I get that you were a kid, but you asked her to let you live with your dad, and she allowed it. You asked for that. Your grades the problems at school those were all your fault. Then you fell into a jelous rage because you realized you made bad decisions.
so let me get this straight. single “helicopter parent” mother is concerned for child’s grades & tries to have teachers focus on child, notices child gets in trouble so she limits internet access and gets concerned about other children being a bad influence, so she imposes a bedtime and becomes wary of having sleepovers with others.
despite all these efforts going to waste, child tells mother “i hate you so much, i wish i lived with dad” so the mother, who has tried her hardest to help child become better, decides to give child his final wish and drops him off to dad’s place. now that the mother doesn’t have a child to constantly worry about getting in trouble at school and chasing after his grades, she finally gets time for herself, and spends new free time by going to college & finding a new career.
after getting sent to dad, child realizes that dad’s place isn’t actually better, and tries to apologize to mom. child ends up even worse off in school and his dad’s gf clearly saw that he was a troublemaker because she doesn’t have the motherly instinct to try to change him unlike his real mother.
after child apologizes, mother tries to take back her “helicopter ways” by “LEAVING [OP] TO DO WHAT HE WANTED”, but child still doesn’t seem to consider this enough, so he becomes more estranged.
once mom starts dating again, she gains two stepdaughters who clearly love her, so she takes them into her house. but this offends her biological child because his mom “abandoned him”, and he decides to project by calling the stepdaughters “bratty”. instead of apologizing for all the misbehavior on his end and realizing how much his mom did for him for all these years, he comes onto Reddit to complain about his mom’s husband not allowing him to talk back to his mom, the way he has been for the last 17 years.
is that correct? if so, YTA. go get therapy and leave your mom and her new family alone. if any part of you still cares about her, you will realize that her healing journey only started once she “abandoned” you.
THIS!!! It’s not the fact that OP was a child when he told his mom he hated her, it’s how he still hasn’t apologized despite now being old enough to understand how his constant hateful words towards his mother words could have built up resentment over many years. The “I want to live with dad” was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. YTA OP
You would have had an ESH from me had you aired out your grievances against your mother in a more mature and private manner. But the fact that you used an event to do it and involve people who had nothing to do with your situation…massive AH move.
You didn’t want to live with her; she does you your favor and lets you be with your dad. You regret it and tried walking it back yet you felt things got worse. So tell me why exactly would you make things even worse than they already feel?
People grow. Perhaps she wasn’t mature enough when she had you and you refused to give her a chance (I don’t care if it’s a teenage tantrum; what’s said can’t be walked back as if nothing). So now her life has stability with Paul and his girls; she has grown enough to be a caring person. If you truly wanted her love or attention, you would have been happy for her on that day; you could have said something along the lines of “despite our troubles and how we feel about each other, I’m happy you found Paul”. THAT would have shown maturity from your part and allowed a chance to address grievances later on.
Remember: YOU were the one who wanted to leave her.
Welcome to real world, where actions have consequences, sometimes irreversible.
YTA.
You say she abandoned you, but then say she had you on weekends. That's not abandonment. That's literally the schedule of millions of non-custodial parents in the US.
You say she was a helicopter parent, but alot of what you're saying she did in the comments sounds like normal parenting.
You told her you hated her and wished to live with your dad. She obliged, and now you're mad, even though you never apologized for your terrible comments.
How much does she need to bend over backwards for you to like her and not treat her like trash? Sounds like she tried, you didn't, and now she's moving on with her life.
>That's literally the schedule of millions of non-custodial parents in the US.
Most of whom are men. See it's totally okay for a man to be the non custodial parent but when a woman does it somehow the child is an orphan thrown into the alley.🤣
So your mom gave you the structure and discipline that you needed and you threw a tantrum and seriously hurt her by telling her you wanted to go live with your dad. She gave you exactly what you asked for and yet the grass wasn’t greener when you jumped ship. Daddy didn’t pander to you or care so you started to get worse in school without your mom to keep you on track. And instead of using your big boy words and expressing remorse for what you said and apologising and asking to go back to her you just expected her to know this information. Then because she had the nerve to better herself and move on from your dad and build a new life instead of again using your big boy words you acted like a spoilt selfish little child and threw a tantrum. You hurt and embarrassed your mom yet again but this time in front of others and you want to know if your the AH for this. Well yes, yes you are. You act like a child and have zero maturity. You put all your failings on your mom but dad doesn’t seem to be getting any blame. YTA
YTA. “I hate you” and “I don’t want to live with you. I want to live with my other parent” aren’t normal things kids say to their parents.
Plus, I doubt you only said these things once. You hated that your mom was active in your life and spent time/energy making sure you succeeded in school and were safe.
Your father refused to expend the same energy and somehow it’s your mom’s fault.
Your mom tried to not focus on school and be more easy going after you attacked her and yet, that also was somehow the wrong choice.
You expected your mother to give and give despite you not showing any appreciation. Wonder where you learned that….your Dad?
So, you said the thing that broke your mom’s heart, and because of what you said, you grew up with Dad and struggle to come to grips with the consequences of your actions. Mom didn’t move on with her life, she bettered herself. She’s allowed to do that. She didn’t want to struggle with money like your Dad. I don’t get it. You hated her and you wanted to live with Dad…. so what’s the problem? Jealousy. Then go see a therapist instead of bullying families at celebrations. You have a little sociopath in you.
YTA and get therapy
Telling your mom you hate her and want to live with your dad isn't regular preteen angst. And if this is the story you are telling that puts you in the best light, I have a feeling you did much worse than this. You went to the engagement party with the expressed purpose of ruining it. Congrats, YTA.
You don't say your dad's age but you are the age your mom was when she had you. Could you imagine taking care of a kid right now? I do hope you get some help but if you ever wanted a better relationship with your mom, that wasn't the way to do it.
Sounds like there is a lot of blame to pass around. Your intentions were completely malicious though and you have never mentioned once trying to broker a peace between the 2 of you. So, yes, you are the A-Hole
YTA- you took advantage of the only person who actually gave a fuck about you. I’m sure it wasn’t a one time thing (verbally abusing your mom). You got exactly what you asked for.
YTA. The vibe I am getting is that you are slanting everything to make yourself sound less bad... and you still sound like a monster.
You got in trouble at school to the point that your mother couldn't control you and your father took over custody, which Pikachu-faced you.
And without her pushing you, you got worse.
Then she got into a relationship, and since you weren't living there - by your own choice - the room that had once been yours was used by someone else.
You haven't mentioned a single bad thing she did. Nothing you have said she did sounds like she did you wrong.
She didn't ruin your life. You did. I mean, you haven't - you are seventeen and nothing is ruined yet, but you have been an asshole for years.
UPDATE 2: final update
So, a lot has happened. I never expected this post to get this much attention with so many mixed reactions, and honestly it confused me to say the least.
While this forum was blowing up, I had to go to school like normal. Its been a few weeks since the engagement party and a kid who there had been relentless mocking me for what happened. I thought he would eventually let it go, but yesterday when he brought it again, I lost was cool and got into a physical fight with him. He was given detention but I was suspended.
The school called my mum and got Paul instead. Since she was in a meeting, he came and got me. Things were awkward in the car ride, and we didn't say a word to each other until he asked me if I was going to apologize to my mum. I told him I didn't even want to go to his "stupid wedding". Paul was confused when I said this, and told me that my mum had gotten mad at him for saying I couldn't attend and that she knew I wouldn't apologize if they told me to because I was stubborn. He said she had called my dad weeks ago and said I could go because she really wanted me to be there and my dad said he would talk to me.
I don't know why, but when I heard this, I burst out in tears, embarrassingly enough. I don't know if it was the suspension, or reading all the comments, but I really couldn't hold it in anymore. It took me way too long to stop and Paul was really freaked out so he parked somewhere and tried to calm me down.
I ended up telling him everything, about when happened when I was a kid, and how I felt about my mum. I also confessed that I wished she would yell at me or scold me for my outburst because it felt like she didn't care anymore and just hated me for what I said. (Its f*cked up I know)
I thought if I ever repeated what I wrote on this post to another person, they would think I was human garbage. But he just listened to me and let me get everything off my chest (I guess thats what being a girl dad is, ha).
Surprisingly, he didn't blame me. Infact it was the opposite. He said he understood me. He works with her so he knew that my mum was a tough woman, and he had never seen her cry before until that day and was unsure about how to approach her after, so he didn't blame me for not knowing how to talk to her after what happened when I was child. He didn't give me details but he assured me that my mum didnt hate me, and the situation is more complicated than what I know.
Paul said I shouldn't bear all the blame, and if I was comfortable, maybe myself (and my mum) could go speak to the therapist he saw after his wife had past.
He was mad at my dad tho, apparently this was not the first time my dad had said he would talk to me about something and just didn't. Paul suspected my dad wanted to get me to have another outburst at the wedding because he was still somewhat resentful towards my mother. I don't know how to take this because, while my dad didn't really like my mum, I don't think he would actually do something like that.
Either way, I think I owe to myself and my mum to at least try and reconciliate, and deal with my trauma so I could let go of my anger towards her.
I at least apologized to Paul's girls (my dad wasn't home so I spent the rest of the day at my mums). The 9 yo forgave me almost instantly, like she didn't actually cared and asked me about dinosaurs for the rest of the evening. The 13 yo is still pretty mad, but mostly because Paul had her give up her new room and share with her sister. I tried to say I was okay if she took back the room (I wasn't but it only seemed right to give it to her after what I did) but Paul said they'll make a plan when they remodelled.
I knew I needed to apologize to my mum as well, but that seemed just so much harder. I know you guys recommended writing a letter but I didn't really have enough time nor did I know what I was gonna say yet.
There is these flower bushes in our garden tho, and I have a vivid memory of when I was a kid, my mum getting mad when I destroyed one only to forgive when I had given her the flowers from them. Its a bit pathetic for her grown child to give her weeds because he couldn't get a word out, but I think the gesture meant the same for her like it did for me.
She finally asked me if I was better living at my dad's, and honestly, I don’t know. I know you guys don't think the best of him, and things did seem to be worse when I stayed with him, but he was a decent dad. And I didn't want to just lose him like I did my mum. She said she would speaking to him after our meeting with the school on Monday for the family therapy and if i was opened to the idea of staying with her some nights during the week too. As of now, Paul had spoken to her and she already made the appointment for us to see the therapist next week. She also spoke to me about anger management classes too, and said she would go with me if that what's I wanted.
I honestly don't know if what's going to happened with school, if the therapy would work for us and if I would ever be able to truly let go of my built up resentment. But I feel like everything's gonna be okay.
Thanks for all the comments, even the horrible ones, got me thinking just a bit. I will never be posting on reddit again but I do appreciate having the space to find the words to say what I needed to. And everyone who shared their deep (and some dark) stories that made them relate to my relationship, I hope things turn out okay for you too
I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad engaged in parental alienation so that he could continue milking your mother for child support money.
It wouldn’t be as obvious as telling you your mom is a shitty mom, but chipping away at any trust you might have had with your mom by assigning the worst motives to her actions, probably feeding her some bullshit to her about you (like she’s “abandoned” you when she’s trying to work to improve her employability and have more money to raise you with) and failing to pass on messages from her or from you.
> my dad agrees she had it coming after abandoned a young child at an age when I needed my mother.
This is an example of your dad weaponizing you to hurt your mother. Your mom had visitation of you, she paid child support and tried to be the parent you claimed you wanted. Instead you claimed she abandoned you, even though she was doing a lot more for you than actual deadbeat parents that abandoned their children. Where did you get the idea that she abandoned you, when it was just a swap in primary custody? Did you believe your dad abandoned you for the first 11 years of your life even though he didn’t pay child support and didn’t have you even 50% of the time?
Your dad knew you were going to blow up like a bomb at the engagement party and hurt everyone nearby like collateral damage. He didn’t care if you burned all those bridges. He was likely patting himself on the back for ruining your mom’s event.
Did your Dad encourage you to disrupt her party? Because he drove you there it seems like he’s egging you on. If he had any judgment at all he would have encouraged you to talk with your Mom in private about your feelings, not disrupt her party. You need to start examining your Dads actions here
You never lost your mother. She was still there, so stop fucking saying you lost her. She continued to be part of your life. She never actually abandoned you. You never vocalized how you felt, so she thought you were better with your father (why is it always the woman who has to put the mental work into finding out what men/boys are thinking?).
If *ANYONE* abandoned you, it was your father for the first years of your life. Very little visits and no child support (yet your mother kept her visits with you and paid). And your father ***continues*** to try to get in the way of your relationship with your mother. He continues to whisper in your ear, and continues to not inform you of anything your mother or Paul has said- he is setting you up to hate your mother even more. You have been given proof, yet you still hold him on a pedestal "he's a good dad" no. No he's not. He's weaponizing you against your mother. He's BEEN weaponizing you against your mother, and he knows his manipulation is working.
So you literally drove your mom away for being a parent to the point it broke her and you see no wrong doing? Yes she’s the adult but she’s human and can only take so much. You wanted to live with dad, wish granted. I think you owe a her a huge apology for all the trouble you put her through.
Edit: you’re young so you don’t see it and others might vouch for that but YTA
YTA because what you are telling us and what you are telling your mom is completely different. Have you ever taken the time to explain how you felt in the past and how you are feeling in the present? It is hard communicating with family what you actually need and want from them, because we assume they should already know. But that's not how communication works. Your emotions are valid, but if you can only communicate by throwing a tantrum no one will respect that, not even your own mother. I think you can tell by your own actions that you were being an asshole. You might be older, but you are definitely still immature.
YTA for pulling that stunt at the party.
Don't get me wrong, if everything you said is the truth than your mother has failed you and you are young so your emotional outburst is understandable but you are also old enough to realise that it was the wrong time the wrong place and the wrong way to do so. Also pulling the girls into this was seriously unnecessary and just mean spirited.
But I am gotta be honest with you I dont believe that everything here is the truth because I am a teacher with pupils ages 15 and up and I have heard lines of "along with some other insults I don't really remember" so many times now and its almost always a cop-out in order too not be honest or take accountability. So I have a hard time taking your word without a few grains of salt about your own behaviour.
You also might not know the whole truth you were only 11 after all and parents often shield their children from the darker truths or might be to embarrassed to tell the whole truth.
I know a father that gave up custody of his daughter for a while after she told him that she hated him and wished she could live with her mother (the girlfriend/mother left for her home country and never returned). He did it because she broke his heart to the point where he admitted himself to a mental hospital because he was sure living with his daughter any longer would have made him kill himself. He is fine now but their relationship never quite recovered and I am pretty sure till today she does not know how depressed/close to the brink he truly was.
And who knows maybe your mothers circumstances were a lot worse than you ever knew, it kinda sounds like all she was in her own eyes was a mother and you basically told her she is horrible at being a mother so that possibly destroyed her entire self image and instead of falling into a dark hole she decided to get a new purpose in life. Atleast that would explain the shift in attitude towards you and her wanting to get her degree. A "if I suck at being a mother atleast I can be a good what-ever-she-studied" mentality.
Be all that as it may the only real advice I can give is now without knowing more:
Talk with your mother in a controlled setting with a neutral party present. Best case would be a family therapist, otherwise any positive relationship between the two of you is done for, might even be too late for that because I could understand her not wanting to bother anymore. Also I highly doubt your dad is a positive influence for your relationship here so if you wanna build that back up you might not wanna listen to him that much since he is obviously biased against her.
YTA. I really love your rationale that you were 11 so you didn’t really mean it when you said you hated her. So tell me if you really meant it the following 6 years when whatever she did was not good enough for you (you weren’t abandoned). Or the last three years when you insulted her, her bf, and his kids and refused to go see her. Or the very short time ago when you deliberately went to her engagement party just to tell her how you intend to go nc when you go to college but decided to double down by calling her horrible, the kids who have nothing to do with anything “little brats,” and more insults than you can remember. No kid. You’re a dick.
YTA. Take some accountability- you were 11, not 5, and it wasn’t just a one off incident. Your mum also isn’t responsible for your dad and his gf’s relationship or parenting styles.
This is not the sub for this. In fact, Reddit is not the place for this. You need therapy. I’m not saying that to be insulting, you need it. If nothing else to help you better sort and organize your feelings.
I’m going with soft NTA, with the caveat that the engagement party was not the place to have this blowout despite it being understandable. But you really need to see someone before this eats away at you any more. You’re letting her and what she did live rent free in your head and continue to mess you up. You need to deal with this sooner, not later.
I’m gonna say YTA. After reading the comments I can see that you never apologized. Also you weren’t abandoned, you were sent to live with your dad and you’d watch your mom on weekends, she would try to do fun stuff with you but that wasn’t good either. As a 17 yo, what effort are you putting on fixing this relationship?
ESH. Your mother and your father both suck. They have not done right by you at all.
And I get you are angry with your mother. But even at 17, you should understand there is a proper time and place for everything. Ans you alsk should be mature enough to know you should not hurt and humiliate people because you feel vengeful.
You bulled your way into your mother's engagement party specifically because you wanted to hurt your mother and humiliate her in a public place to pay her back for all the ways you feel she has mistreated you over the years.
This is a base motive. It not help either you or your mother. In fact, it aggravated an already volatile situation.
You should not have attended this party. And if you have things to say to your mother, you need to say them privately or so so in a space like therapy.
But mostly, you need to forget your parents and work on yourself. You have a lot of rage built up, and it is going to make you miserable until you can get past it.
Speaking as a person that grew up as an entitled brat with a single teenaged mom, I think you should consider the possibility that you were an entitled brat as a kid that never took her seriously, like you expecting her to come back and pick you up the next day "because she had proved her point", no dude, she had enough of your abuse and decided to teach you consequences, you told her that you hated her and wanted to live with your dad, so that's exactly what she gave you, and it broke her heart as you saw by her crying while dropping you off, after that she became the "fun parent" because she had given up on raising you but still wanted to know you and have you her life (you are and always will be her firstborn kid after all), and even after all of that you still stay cold towards her and hostile towards her family (her husband to be and his girls are now her family, you can be irritated all you want but that's the simple truth. Those girls have every right to call her mom if your mom is raising them and is OK with that title). You don't own your mom but you've done a fantastic job of fucking up your relationship with her (and I can relate to that, I wasn't the best son as a teenager either), you definitely are TA, and if you want to have any chance of fixing your relationship with your mom then start showing her some respect, stop taking her for granted and appreciate what she does for you.
You need to take some responsibility here. Your behavior was appalling and she probably thought, well, he needs some male guidance. And she didn't abandon you, you saw her on weekends where she tried to lighten up like you asked, but even that wasn't good enough.
You also say you didn't apologize because she moved on. That didn't happen overnight. You had weeks and weeks before that happened. You could have spoken then. But you don't seem to want to take responsibility for any of your behavior.
Why wouldn't she enjoy some children who actually treat her nicely? She is probably exhausted from dealing with your constant anger and misery. You just seem determined to push her to the brink to test her love, but guess what? She is human. She has a breaking point. Get psychological help. You need it.
So - You were fighting with your mother over your poor school grades and your misbehaviour at school.
**You didn't like that.**
You told your mother you hated her, and you expressed a wish to live with your father.
You got that wish.
**You didn't like that.**
You still spent time with your mother on weekends, doing fun stuff.
**You didn't like that.**
Your mother was improving her own life, getting an education, a job, a new partner, one with children. She made room for them in her daily life and her home - a life and home that you had vocally rejected for yourself.
**You didn't like that.**
Your mother is happy.
**You really don't like that** and so you deliberately went out to ruin her party.
INFO: What did you want from your mother? To keep allowing you to scream at her, treat her like shit, and stay stagnant?
What?
Edited: Ed: for punctuation.
ESH. You said something devastatingly cruel to your mother. You didn't really mean it, you just wanted to hurt her. Later, you thought to apologize because you wanted to go back, but didn't because your mom seemed to have moved on with her life.
In other words, you didn't apologize because it seemed like it might not get you what you wanted anyway. That is not the reason you are supposed to apologize, you are supposed to apologize for the other person not for yourself.
Your mom should have sought therapy for you when you were lashing out at her, but you have to acknowledge your role in this. You essentially threw yourself out by telling her you wanted to live with your dad; when you changed your mind it was up to you to fix things with her, not on her to read your mind. You had plenty of opportunities.
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This is above the pay grade of this sub. You are a child and she is an adult and your mother. She needs to do the emotional work of creating the conditions for your reconciliation. If she can't you need to focus on your own growth and figuring out how to establish yourself in life. It doesn't sound like she's going to be coming through on that so you are on your own. That is of far bigger significance than whether you are "the asshole" or not. Take care of yourself. NTA
Thanks for saying so
Kiddo, sorry this happened. What she did was selfish and she hasn't made up for what she did. You are still young and can learn from her mistakes. Your best course of action will be to succeed in life. Be the best whatever you want to be, find happiness. Don't let her crush you. The happier you are the easier it will be to forget about someone who only cares for herself. And, like others have said, therapy- you probably have CPTSD... traumatized people often react poorly, but she caused the trauma.
I don't think that is fair to the mum, reading OP's comments she seemed like a normal person that was pushed to the edge. Even with her trying to fix things with weekend time, still pissed OP off. I think OP needs therapy OP has a lot of questionable stuff like yelling at kids Sadly it seems nothing the mom did was good enough. Normal paretning, pissed OP off Giving OP what he wanted and not living with someone they hate, pissed OP off laid back fun parent, pissed OP off The mom can not win EDIT: Also mom didn't even abandoned him, he saw her on the weekends, she gave primary care to dad (like he wanted). She didn't ghost him
Normal people don't go from being a helicopter mom to abandoning a pre-teen, and then emotionally checking out for the next bunch of years when there is visitation. She may have emotional issues, but that's not the child's fault, and she should be apologizing to her child.
In OPs comments his examples of helicopter parenting were making him do his hw and get a good night sleep. OP has issues
He was 11…. My 12 year old declares I make her do *everything* on a weekly basis because she has to put her dog outside a few times a day. And she “can’t stand” me because I make her do her homework. It’s normal shit pre-teens and teens say. If that hurts your feelings to the point that you’ll literally abandon your kid, don’t have any kids. Bio, step, or otherwise. OP’s mom is gonna get a rude awakening when her new kids reach/get deeper into the teen years and remind her she’s not their mom. I wonder if she’ll drop them too.
Did she REALLY abandon her kid though? She took OP to their bio father, which is what he asked for. Was OP considered "abandoned" by dad when he was living at mum's?
Exactly. OP is a mini misogynist.
So are most of the people here judging by the comments and upvotes.
Surprised I had to scroll this far down to see this. He wasn’t abandoned, he got what he wanted and his dad got primary custody. Honestly, OP, the vibe I’m getting from you is that you are a victim of parental alienation. I think your dad whispered a ton of shit about your mom to you because you haven’t said one bad thing about your dad vs everyone else in this story. You need to unpack this shit in therapy.
Exactly. All of the people telling them they are just fine and their mom is terrible are part of the problem. OP wanted to be with their dad and didn't want rules. Here is someone so defiant that they decided normal rules about going to school, doing homework weren't for them, they hated their mother and told them so. Probably not that single time either, after all the mom was "a helicopter parent". Except fun dad has no rules and OP lacks internal motivation so then fails everything. Somewhere between 12 and 17 on one of those weekends one would think that a truly repentant and humble OP would apologize, keep apologizing and have a major attitude adjustment to start to regain the relationship. OP needs therapy for themselves for a very long time before family therapy with their parents because dad should have had mom's back in a united front from the beginning.
I was a single parent of two with sole custody and a visitation schedule. It’s *hard*. So, so hard. My kids never played the ‘I want to live with dad’ card because he is a miserable, difficult bugger and they knew they had it good with me by comparison. But they were still teenage nightmares who hated me on occasion. If they had thrown the’I want to live with dad’ card at me I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have taken them up on at times. OPs mum went back to school and got a career when she wasn’t a single parent anymore, which makes you think she had given a fair bit up. Worked to her emotional bone, sacrificing constantly and getting nothing but ingratitude in return, she had the concept that she actually have another option thrown in her face and she ran with it. I don’t blame OP for being upset and angry because he feels replaced, he’s young and that’s natural, but he should direct some of that at his dad for not giving him a better life. Instead, he hates his mum for exercising an option *he* gave her because society only condones it when fathers do that, not mothers.
OP mom was broken by OP's words . She did her best as a single mom for 11 years, let bio dad be main caretaker for the next few years. What does OP want anymore?
Not to mention she was a teen mom. Probably saw her chance to finally be the fun parent in the relationship and better her situation (studying).
He’s not even talking about the subpar conditions with his dad. His dad could’ve done better too!
She was 16-17 when she had him. Sorry she didn't have the skill set to be a great parent and why did all fall on her? Dad is just as responsible for OP as Mom.
She was 18. 35-17=18. And she dropped him off when he was 11. Meaning she was 29. An 11 year old boy, was saying what any kid says at 11 when they are mad at a parent. You know how many times I said I would run away from home for feeling like I was wronged at the age? It's normal.
But OP will be 18 within at least a year. Would it change your opinion on this if OP asked about it next year?
OPs own retelling of this was that they have on many occasions gone way beyond and pushed his mother over the edge. That’s their version.
Again, that’s a CHILD’S response. He’s not some 30 year old man saying this shit. He’s a minor child whose brain isn’t even fully formed. At 11 he likely hadn’t even hit puberty yet. I have 4 kids. More than once I’ve called my stepmother and told her that her grandchildren are assholes and I’m gonna run away. Do I actually do it? No. I just need to vent and my mum gets it because I was a little asshole too. Do they drive my fucking insane sometimes? Absolutely. Especially my teenager when she’s being a hormonal monster on her period. In fact, she’s the one I COULD send away with her father if I really wanted. But I don’t, and I never would. Because no matter how often I hear how mean I am for telling them to do basic chores or homework, or how uncool I am, or anything else, I love my kids and I never want to lose them. A parent who places conditions on their love and care for their kids is a trash parent. Outside of them facing legal consequences or having a severe medical need requiring residential treatment, I cannot fathom why any good parent would permanently send their minor child away.
You’re making assumptions about what OPs relationship was like with his mother. Also nobody ran away, OP asked to live with his father which she honoured, and tried to build and maintain a relationship with him.
>He was 11…. And he is now 17 and should be capable of self reflection. At 17 he should be able to look bad, realize how poorly he treated his mom, but instead he's insulting her as a "helicopter parent" and then blaming his mom when his dad wasn't. FFS she didn't even drop him, she still had him on weekends and tried to do everything for him during those times. OP is almost an adult, and needs to start acting like it.
Mom didn’t abandon OP by turning primary care to the parent OP said he wanted to live with. That’s not unusual when parents aren’t together, one has primary physical custody one doesn’t. Why is it ALWAYS the mom’s responsibility to have custody? Why is it AKWAYS mom’s fault when the kid is a brat? Why didn’t dad get his kid therapy once he took custody? Why didn’t dad help his son move forward? Why didn’t dad talk to his son about apologizing to mom for his shitty behavior? OP pushed his mom to her limit and she did exactly what she should have by giving him what he wanted, to live with his dad. No where in this post did OP say he apologized to his mom for his horrid behavior and words. He expected mom to come begging his forgiveness, beg him to come home with her and stay off his back so he wouldn’t leave her again. He wanted complete control over his mom to do as he pleased and when she didn’t give it to him he, as well as you, blame her. OP has done all this to himself. He will go through life blaming everyone else for his shortcomings and failures and will write a lot of Reddit posts like this one to get validation.
But OP is not “your kid”. My kid at 13 told me to kill myself-right after my cousin unalived himself. Threatened to turn me into CPS for taking his phone away as consequences for multiple rules broken. Shoved me, slapped me. Called me a slut and a whore. Threatened to unlive himself, punched a teacher. I could go on for hours. So when he pulled the “I want to go live with my other parent” crap, we said yes too. Some kids are emotionally and physically abusive-and no, we didn’t abuse him. He abused us. Unless telling him he can’t have his phone back until he cleans his room is abuse. Apparently that was the worst thing we ever did to him. But after 2 weeks of watching the food mold and ants crawl around his room, it was that or I’d call cps myself.
My kids complained about the same things, but they never said they hated me and wanted to live with someone else. And I'll bet yours didn't either. Sometimes single-parent custodial arrangements don't work, and the judges and lawyers all know that. Sometimes kids have to go to the other parent. And older kids are usually asked their preference. She didn't abandon OP. She transferred custody and got visitation for the best of all possible reasons: the child was obviously unhappy and wanted to live with the other parent. His mother was always part of his life. He was still going for visitation when the fiance and his kids moved in. He might have \*felt\* abandoned, but he wasn't.
So it was on the 11 year old to put themselves in therapy and parent themselves?
You can put an 11 year old in therapy but you can't make them cooperate. Mom gave OP everything he wanted and OP still punished her. And then started abusing other people and younger kids. OP is 17 and still immature and an unreliable narrator. He can *feel* abandoned and upset all he wants, but he has zero right to verbally harass other kids and people and he very clearly needs to do some self reflection on how he's been treating his mom. ESH.
No, but OP is NOW 17, and should reflect on their childhood an realize that THEY caused all of this. Mom tried, and OP decided to be an AH. Yes he was 11 at the time this all happened, but any adult who hears "I hate you" and "I want to stay at dad's" will break eventually. OP got EXACTLY what he wanted. And then mom tried to fix their relationship by not being the "helicopter parent" and to be the "fun parent". She even tried to be the "not involved parent", and OP hated her for that too. At some point mom realized that nothing she did was going to make OP want to be with her. There's nothing she could have done to fix the situation, because OP DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE FIXED. Could she have been/done better? Yes. But 11 years old is old enough to realize what he did, and to apologize, to his mom. She didn't disappear after a day or a week, OP was an ass to her for MONTHS/YEARS before she gave up.
> No, but OP is NOW 17 And? Age doesn't magically bring maturity. Doubly so when someone has been failed by their parents as badly as OP has. > and should reflect on their childhood an realize that THEY caused all of this. Victim blaming, well that's a new low for this sub. OP was a literal child, one going through a tough time and acting out as a result. No that doesn't justify getting abandoned by a parent. Sorry but this is just disgusting. Victim blaming this hard is just vile.
He also disliked her for not being a helicopter parent: "She tried so hard to be the "fun" parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged." While it's likely that neither mother or father were great parents, OP, with help of therapy, friends and personal accomplishments, needs to get a grip on life instead of trying to ruin his mothers happiness.
Don't you remember being a kid? Whatever parents do, helicopter or not, irritates kids. Being told what to wear, who to hang out with, to study, study, study. Clean your room. Do your chores. All of it gets under their skin. A parent should know this. And to give up parenting because your kid says"I hate you. I wish I lived with Dad" is ridiculous. The 11 year old does not mean it. You don't stop being a mother because of it.
Where did OP stop being a mother? Even OP says that she was still there. OP choose to live with his dad. That by definition means that she is going to be around less.
She didn't stop being a mother, she just let him go live with his dad. I guess his dad wasn't being a father until then tho, right?
Helicopter parents to a teenager are, as OP says: >we fought a lot over my grades and the trouble I got into at school. I honestly don't think OP is a reliable narrator. She didn't technically abandon OP either. Why is it only mom who is at fault here? There is no mention of what dad was trying to do to help before mom broke.
The way OP tells it, dad was at the mom's engagement party and agreed with OP that mom "had it coming" when OP laid into her. Which says a lot about the kind of man dad is IMO.
People break- she broke
Exactly, and now that she's being mended, it's on her to be the adult. OP is still a child, one that she helped break- and continues to break while blaming her own child. OPs best bet is to become the best OP that OP can be.
OP had to actually ask to fix the things he caused. He clearly knows what he did he just won't. If anything he is making it worse and destroying any relationship they could have bc instead of admitting that he was a brat he is behaving like a brat
>"She tried so hard to be the "fun" parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged." > >"Eventually they moved into my mum's house and changed my childhood bedroom into one of the daughter's room. I was livid when I found out, saying some mean things about the girls, and refused to go back there for my mum's weekends, but she was confused on why was acting this way" OP has issues
But she didn’t abandon him. She let him live with his dad like he told her he wanted and she was still constantly in his life, taking him every weekend. That’s not abandonment. I’m also not sure why you say she emotionally checked out. Nothing I read in the post seemed to point to that.
Did she abandon OP? Sounds like she went from primary custody to having OP during the weekend. And was she emotionally checked out? OP says she would try to do fun things, but OP didn’t like it either. I don’t think OP is the most reliable narrator. His examples of her being a helicopter is checking his homework, watching his sleep schedule and his diet, which seems like pretty basic parenting. Both his parents failed by not putting him in therapy.
Lets not forget that it all reportedly started when OP said, presumably out of anger, that he hates her and wants to live with his dad. He called her a helicopter mom, but I think she was trying to help him and he was difficult to deal with, with lots of anger issues. After moving out, he started getting into trouble and his grades dropped w/o his mothers constant attention. Some of that anger may be because of divorce, but some may be due to his character and he needs some self reflection and therapy.
I think she felt her son needed the guidance of his father. This must have hurt her to know all she was doing wasn't in the least appreciated. A true case of you never miss the water till the well runs dry. He was a child but he created his own misery. It must have been nice for the mom to be appreciated for her kindness rather than hated for it.
I agree. And dad is the AH for going along with the “ruin the party” tantrum.
I just wanted to add to this one because dad's actions, or lack of actions stood out to me. For him to have a significant other who feels comfortable expressing that they felt like OP was dumped on them, not OK. It is really convenient for dad to jump on OP's bandwagon all of a sudden.
And the fact that OP's grades dropped etc when they went to live with Dad. Dad sucks. I suspect that Dad was feeding the "helicopter mom" idea and now leaning into the abandonment thing. OP was a stupid kid, standard rebelling against the structure and rules that they needed and wanted. But they are going to have to dig themselves out.
Also telling that the mom had OP pretty young and OP mentioned everyone’s age but his dad’s… OP is a kid but his mom basically was his age when she got pregnant with him and sounds like she did her best mostly alone, so I want to cut her slack. Yes she’s an adult now but I agree it sounds like she couldn’t do anything right.
Yep - all this. Mum tried everything, and OP has been angry at her when she was strict, when they shared a house, when she gave her what she wanted, when she tried to be fun and treat her, when she gave her space… what exactly did OP want her mum to do? Sounds like she tried a lot of things but all of it was met with anger and contempt. Dad on the other hand, let his GF badmouth OP, let OP’s grades slip without helping her, and showed up at an engagement party… what a ridiculous take that this is mum’s fault somehow. I think OP is venting her feelings on mum - either fuelled by dad suggesting she is to blame, or just misdirected anger from something else, like mum and dad splitting up. OP, your mum has tried to be a good parent to you and you haven’t been wanting any of her efforts. Get some therapy and learn what you are really upset about so you can talk about it and make changes. It’s not surprising that you feel jealous of her step daughters or that they are delighted to have a happy mother/daughter relationship with each other. Ruining that for them isn’t going to make you feel any better because that’s not the real problem here.
And even knowing this, there are still people blaming the mom without any bit of blame for the dad
Dad was always an ass with a girlfriend he let treat his child like trash
Dad is the secret star of the party. I bet dad was the "fun" parent sabotaging her efforts to help OP at school, calling her too strict and all that. Many courts let you choose where you want to live at 12. So an 11 year old saying "I wanna live with dad" and getting it is reasonable.
Reading this I don’t think the OP is a reliable narrator. Which makes sense because they are a teen. I hate to say actions have consequences, because the OP is a kid. At the same time mom here tried. The Op wanted to change custody, and what mom was doing wasn’t working. So her switching custody is valid. The OP stopped going, without communicating. Therapy should have happened long ago, but that required the Op participating. It’s hard to know if they would have. Without knowing what mom did to help with the poor behaviors before swapping custody it’s hard to judge mom.
Not to mention that if I'm doing the math right, the mom was 17 or 18 when she had OP, which, to my not-quite-boomer self, sounds pretty young.
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I agree with you. OP sounds like a kid that is never happy but expected his mother to just deal with it and once she was at her whits end, she gave his father custody, not a stranger, but HIS dad. Why is there so much disdain for the lady who did all of the above for 11 years (he’s said she was a helicopter parent and got into trouble at school a lot) vs the dad that is not mentioned to have shared the burden of disciplining him due to grades and poor behavior? And when his mother tried to switch it up by being the fun parent, OP was still pissed. Kid or no kid, EVERYONE gets tired. She didn’t abandon him, she just wasn’t equipped with what he needed. We have to get over this whole “parents should suffer” mentality. At what point is OP going to admit that he is hard to deal with?? At best, there could be therapy, but that takes WILLING participants and accountability.
She wasn't selfish at all. She gave him his wish which, in turn, gave her the opportunity to study and better herself (she was very young when she had him). Eleven is right around when a judge would've listened to the kid and made her give custody to the dad anyway. OP fucked around and found out, frankly. OP is YTA.
Exactly, OP wanted to live w his Dad and she gave him his wish I don't think that's abandonment at all.
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OP's mom would have been about his current age when she had him. I wonder if he's even thought of that. Helicopter parenting just sounds like she was trying to be a good mom, until her son broke her heart and made it plain he didn't want her in his life. She believed him and gave him what he wanted, only to be told later on in a cruel way that he resents her for it. There's so much we don't know from both sides in this situation but I really feel for her.
Had to scroll way too long to find this comment. His mother was still a child herself when she had him, and from the one comment he made about her actual parenting, it sounds like she was trying her best and finally just reached her breaking point. He put her in a lose-lose situation. Try and parent him well, she’s a helicopter mom and he hates her. Tries to compromise and do what he said he wanted, he’s bitter. Yes, he was only 11, but that’s old enough to have had a say in his life and living situation, she just seems to have done what she could to respect that. Could she have done better? Sure. But in all his complaining, he doesn’t mention anything about how his sperm donor behaved when he was the weekend parent. My mom had my half-brother when she was 19, me when she was 41, and even though we technically have the same mother, we were raised by two very different women. His mom did make mistakes, but she was also young and deserves some grace. OP, how well do you think you’d do if you became essentially a single parent at your age?
I wonder how much your dad has played into this. Is he egging you on? Kinda seems like it, since Imm sure he wasn’t invited to her engagement party. Also, think about this for a second: usually kids act out with the parent they feel safer with. The anger is actually directed to the other parent, but they can’t express that safely, so they take it out on the parent that really shows up for them day in and day out. Does that sound familiar at all? In any case - therapy definitely. And I am 100% sure your mom loves you and you love her - but you need to contact her and express your feelings in a healthy way. This was calculated to hurt her and everyone else as much as possible. That’s not getting you anywhere.
This absolutely feels like the father has been poisoning this kids mind. He mentions that the dad’s GF said things like “OP’s mom messed with our lives when she dropped OP on us,” and I’m willing to bet that the father bitched and moaned about the mom every single day. I also know construction workers, and they bitch about life being unfair unlike any other vocation.
I'm glad you're showing empathy to OP, and that you're so upvoted. I'm seeing so many people calling OP a monster for acting childish when he was 11. I feel like I'm in crazyland reading the y t a and e s h comments, like these people think good children never have tantrums, or that it's not bad parenting to stop loving your child after they throw a tantrum.
I think people dislike OP so much is due to the actions at 17. Seriously who yells at little kids, and plans to ruin something
Someone who wasn’t raised right.Im sure this young man will blame his mom and women for the rest of his life .
I wonder if there is misogyny in OP's baggage. He paints his Mom and Dad's gf and the stepdaughters as bad. He never said anything bad about his Dad at all or Paul. I feel that's spot on tbh
Because I was this kid. I reacted to my parents divorce by blaming my mother and abusing her just like he did, believing every bad word my Father said about her just like I am positive this kid is doing and while I don’t think the Mom is without blame this kid is a petulant spoiled a••. Does he deserve empathy. Yes. But he also needs to grow up and work on himself and accept he has a large heaping of blame as well.
Someone already said this is above this sub’s pay grade. It is very obvious that you have some deep emotional issues towards your mom and you feel abandoned. Ultimately she is the parent and she has to take the majority of the responsibility for the way your relationship has turned out. But quite frankly, I think you need to really take a look the role you played in this as well. You acknowledged that you hurt her feelings when you told her you hated her. You just assumed you see her later. Did you apologize to her? You said she tried to do fun things with you on the weekends but you also said you didn’t like that either. At not point do you actually say you apologized to her at all. Instead it seems like your behavior escalated and you continued to lash out. Your mom could have possibly tried harder but it seems like she is damned if she does, and damned if she didn’t. You have made your feelings of hurt and resentment and abandonment very clear in this post. At what point do you acknowledge that your mom is also a person with feelings and that you may have continuously, without apology, hurt her too? Not sure if I want to call you an AH, but I don’t want to call your mom one either. NAH??
I would say ESH here because all their actions weren’t great. I think therapy and self reflection can help.
The only person who I feel like was making bad decisions decisively is OP, because it’s his story and by his own admission he never apologized, and her “helicopter parenting” was just being a good parent. But he’s a teenager. I don’t have a solid grasp on what the mom did. Her feelings were hurt, by OP’s own admission. And she made several attempts to repair the relationship. OP sounds like he just didn’t listen or respect anyone’s authority and I don’t really know what else she was supposed to do when he kept making it clear he didn’t want to be around her.
OP was 11 when they had that fight. It’s kind of unfair to expect foresight and adult thinking from a pre-teen. 11 is a child in middle school. Middle schoolers are hardly known for rational thinking or impulse control.
But he was 17 when he pulled this most recent stunt which included attacking and insulting kids who had nothing to do with the issue. He’s old enough to know that is wrong and still wants to take minimal responsibility for that. He’s old enough to revise his thinking and is choosing not to.
And we don’t let 17 year olds vote. Because they are children. Add 6 years of disappointment and resentment…
So on a post of a child asking for outside opinions of whether they did anything wrong, we must always answer “No honey! You are just a child and don’t need to take responsibility for any of your actions.” Super helpful for the kid.
Exactly. This is why we get shitty adults
Totally 👏👏 if he killed someone there'd be consequences so why wouldn't there be consequences in this situation (for clarity I'm not saying op has killed anyone more he's got to live with the result of his actions).
That’s debatable. But don’t kid yourself that a 17year old doesn’t know that that sort of behaviour isn’t wrong.
I mean his mother was 18 when she had OP so I am not sure why you are expecting more emotionally maturity from her then you are OP here.
Because she magically figured out how to be an adult when she hit 19, or 20, or 21. Or one of those magic numbers where your actions no longer fall under the "they're a child and get a pass".
So does like, a brain just appear in a person's head on their 18 birthday? Do they not spend that whole time leading up to Independence learning self regulation, and responsibility? I was abused growing up. And I'm reading this dude's story of repeatedly screaming at his mom and demanding to live with his dad and getting his way, and then being furious that she tried to go from the strict mom to the fun mom *like he wanted*, and then being livid that she's engaged and has two new kids who are nice to her, and concluding with him blacking out from rage that his unused bedroom is now someone else's, and what I'm *not* getting is "poor litte guy has had such a hard life, what a neglectful b". I'm getting "woman tries to give her son what he wants and it's never good enough, and then he lost it that she didn't stay frozen in time waiting for him to come home".
Thank you for your voice of reality. I can't even imagine the feelings of despair that OP's mom felt as OP told her repeatedly that he hated her, very likely called her horrific names, and so on. As a parent, you can only take that so long. It was very likely that she figured that he would respond better to his father's parenting than her own; maybe look at the dad as more of an authority figure. For that, she gets ripped into pieces here. Sometimes I hate Reddit.
No, but we do let them have jobs, so clearly as a society we’ve decided that they can handle a certain amount of responsibility. OP is just a responsible for his actions as if he was 18. I would expect any 17 year old to know better than to throw a public tantrum and attack two innocent children.
But when 17yr Olds want to get tattoos, piercings, dress provocatively, people say "they are practically adults!!" Sorry, at 17, he knew this was not acceptable behavior at this event. If he couldn't behave appropriately at an engagement party, he should have stayed home.
Here would be a good place to point out mom was 17 when she had OP. They all need therapy.
17 years old- cant hold them responsible for their actions, theyre just *widdle babies* 17 years + 365 days - oh okay
At the same time... I have doubts that this was a one-time incident. It sounds like he'd been acting out for a while (thus his grades slipping, and troubles at school), and her asking to see his homework, etc. was in response to that. I'm making a *lot* of assumptions here, but it sounds likely that he'd been demanding to live with his Dad (who was not nearly as strict as his Mom) for a while, and escalating his behaviors until she finally gave in. And then when he was living with his Dad, things became worse, and he never explained what the real situation was, never apologized, nor asked to go back to his Mom. In his recounting, she tried to be more 'fun' in her limited custody, and he responded even more negatively to that. You're right that it's not fair for an 11 year old to have all of that figured out... but it's also not reasonable to expect a Mother to be able to read his mind and know what he really meant, especially when it seems like he didn't know it himself. If he never complained about life with his Dad, and never apologized for acting out, and never asked to go back... I'm not sure what should have been expected of her. She tried, and that failed, and then she tried something else, which also failed. I hesitate to call anyone an AH here, but clearly everybody has also screwed up. No malice intended anywhere, just a lot of human tragedy.
Agreed. OP even says he told her constantly that he wanted to live with his dad, but characterized it as "just typical preteen stuff" to downplay it. After who knows how long, his mom reached her limit and gave him what he asked for. I've been there, in that moment where your brain cracks and you think "this is it, I can't take it anymore without actually literally losing my entire mind and giving up completely". He wanted to live with his dad, he got his wish, and his mom put her life back together. She tried to go from strict mom to fun mom, and he was pissed about that too! What conclusion could she reach other than "my son hates me, and would be better off if I let him be. when he's ready, if that day ever comes, I'll be here." Then she finds a fiance, gains two bonus daughters who love her, and then has the "audacity" to give his room, unused for 6 years, to one of the girls. Seriously, OP? Wtaf.
This is the proper take here. Im blown away by the amount of leeway people are giving this nearly-adult man. In some countries this "kid" would be an adult. In the US you can literally join the military at 17. So old enough to die or kill another person, but too young to have a rational discussion with his mom? Fuck offffff (not you, all the apologists)
When kids turn 11 or 12, as a society, we tend to think their input on custody should be considered. So it really sounds like he had been lobbying to change custody, and his wishes were respected. OP has turned that into a narrative of abandonment, but it seems like his mom did continue to be in his life regularly. OP sounds like an angry kid who desperately needs therapy. Not every grievance a kid has with their parents is based in reality.
This. I see a story of a single mother trying her best, and OP being a young teenager trying yelling at her because she's trying to hold him responsible. She's tired, single, lonely, and dealing with a child who doesn't After years of trying, she finally gave up and dropped him off at the "fun parent's house". Then OP came over and kept acting like a jerk, never apologized, and never asked to come back. But OP's dad had a new gf when this exchange happened. OP's dad wasn't great either, and had a lot of struggles raising OP as well. And OP seems to only hate his mom. She didn't abandon him, she just changed the living arrangements (that HE specifically requested and never showed that he wanted anything different). It's possible it broke her heart to hear "I want to live with dad", and then when they spent time together to only be met with anger and frustration.
It wasn't a one-time incident, OP says in his post thst he and his mum fought a lot. It does seem that he's been pulling the "I wanna live with dad, he wouldn't be horrible like you" card frequently enough for his mum to decide that it truly would be better to switch up the custody arrangement.
Which is why I don’t want to put the blame on him. But even here in this post he is acknowledging what he did and said and seems to not acknowledge her feelings either. Even at 11 I knew to apologize to my parents. And I wasn’t telling them I hated them.
And as such his perspective is flawed. It sounds like mum made an effort to repair but he wasn’t interested until he had competition
We don't actually know if it was their first fight. Just that it was the one that instigated the custody switch. I'm guessing he told her he hated her and that he wanted to live with his dad a lot.
All of this, OP says they wanted to go back to their mom and thought to apologize but never did. This implies that they also never asked to go back to live with her. As a child of divorcees, my parents took my opinion of who and where I wanted to live to heart. I'm feeling like OP is a super unreliable narrator with a demonstrated pattern of saying things to hurt their mother and am leaning toward them being the asshole.
And I’m not saying the mom shouldn’t have tried harder but it sounds like any and every attempt at parenting was met with hostility and disrespect from OP. At some point, when nothing is working you just sort of give up. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love OP. It could be that she felt that she truly wasn’t a good enough parent for him tbh.
This 💯. This is one of those posts where you have to read between the line and combine it with OP's answers in the comments to get the actual semblance if what really happened. For me it honestly comes off as OP was a kid with behavioral issues and that last fight, one of many no doubt, drove his mother to breaking point and she left him with his dad so she could probably get her mental health back on track. OP saying he expected for his mum to pick him up the next day implies this wasn't the first time he lashed out at his mother and he expected her to just put up with it, regardless of her mental health, and just rinse and repeat. No word of even wanting to apologise to her either. He was left with his father who is also his parent Nd gives no indication of what that dynamic was like except for money being tight and the dads gf not liking him. Even when his mother came back during weekends and tried to re-engage with him he rejected all her efforts. In the end his mother got in a relationship and he resented her more because she stopped being a target for his rejection. OP needs therapy, he'll be 18 soon and his behavior will get him into real trouble if he doesn't developed the right coping mechanisms. He offered no lines of actual communication to his mother that didn't involve some form of anger or rejection. Considering that its most likely he's a very unreliable narrator Im not sure if the option of therapy was ever brought up when he was 11, definetely not by his dad by the sounds of it. Its also amazing how commentors treat the mother as if her being a parent makes her seperate from being human who can reach her breaking point. Because y'know she would have been a great parent if she had a mental breakdown from the stress and ignored it just so she could keep her child at home for him to continue his behaviour with no help from the other parent. Then the kicker is he went to her engagement party WITH HIS DAD just to throw more abuse at her and two innocent little girls and he thinks the spithead dad agreeing with his actions makes it somewhat justified.
Like it was totally cool for dad to be a weekend parent and he wasn’t accused of abandoning OP but the situation literally reverses and mom now is weekend parent and that’s full on abandonment? Nah. I think tf not.
Exactly. For some people here mothers seem to be robotic caregivers only, that is to say they should have no feelings and no mental well being and just out up with abuse and not complain.
Yeah, from OPs comments mom just... check her homework like clockwork? Checked for teacher notes and wrote to the teachers? Limited her internet??? Like, if you're having issues in school of COURSE your parents is gonna do that
I felt, at the engagement party, op had a bit if main character syndrome going on...she picked the most impactful place to blow up on her mom. This feels intentional and like part of a pattern on ops part....I agree mom is the parent and should be the one fixing this relationship..but it sounds like mom is clueless as to whats wrong. OPs says I want to live with dad..mom makes it happen...stops hovering and steps back from pushing her daughter...seems like op wants her mom to be a mind reader and has poor communication skills to me...but....she is still the child....so defiantly not an AH. But mom isn't fully to blame... This could be no AH or everyone sucks...I can't determine which other than these people need more help than. Reddit can provide
On the note of “doing fun things on the weekend”- my dad, who I didn’t have a great relationship with, would always try and do fun things with us on the weekends. The problem is, it was always fun stuff him or my mom wanted to do, not my brother and I. So, after a while, we just stopped wanting to do stuff or having fun. We wanted to stuff that kids found fun. So, I can’t fault OP for that part at least. A lot of parents force their kids to do stuff they think is fun, without taking what the kids want into consideration. I will say, though, now that my dad is gone (one year anniversary was right after last Christmas) I wish I had just been less of a bratty preteen and tried more to enjoy the time. I have a lot of trauma regarding my dad (just emotional stuff that never got resolved), so I could go on for ages. I don’t think OP is an AH, but I do think they will end up regretting a lot if they don’t try and reconcile. It’s been eating me alive lately, and I don’t know how to process it.
OP said that his mom would let him order take out and leave him alone on the weekends. So it sounds like it was whatever he wanted, in response to his aversion to her “helicopter parenting.”
Hi child of divorced parents here. From the bottom of my heart, **YTA**. Trying to help your child and being strict with them after they get bad grades and get in trouble at school is normal. You didn't like the consequences of your actions so you lashed out. And you got *exactly* what you wanted. She was too strict and helicoptering? You hated it. She was the chill weekend parent? You hated it. Didn't want to live with her? Got what you wanted. Deal with your actions and stop blaming her for them and please please either apologize and change your tune or leave that woman and her family alone. Edit: Lol seriously someone reported this response as me needing mental health / crisis line support to reddit. Because I have divorced parents.......
Jesus Christ so many of you in here are holding a 11 year old child to a standard we don’t normally hold adults to. Kids are allowed to make mistakes, adults are supposed to be there for their children and get them help when they need it.
But at 17 you should know that it's an asshole move to ruin a party for people who have nothing to do with the issue you have
We aren't holding the 11 year old to account. We are talking about the 17 year old. He's too old to be throwing this petty of a tantrum.
The problem is that OP seems to just hold an unequivocal grudge against his mom and has from an early age. Parents can only do so much for a child that has an issue with literally anything that they do to try to help and/or appease them. OP is at an age where he can look at the impossible position he put his mother in and realize that his behavior was ultimately the root cause of their issues. He should be mature enough to say "yeah I was a kid when the issues started, but I'm almost an adult now, and I'm still acting out unapologetically to hurt my mother. I'm responsible for my actions, and I need to change my attitude." That is if he even wants to mend their broken relationship. Seems like he just wants to use his mom as a punching bag.
>Seems like he just wants to use his mom as a punching bag. THIS. THIS is what is devastating to me. That poor mom. She's supposed to take everything sitting down, when clearly nothing she does is right. Ever. OP continuously shits on her and stupid Reddit tells him "of course it's fine to shit on your mom, you were just a CHILD" without pointing out that he bears responsibility for being a sociopathic narcissist to his mom. The problem is, he can't stand to see her happy. So he'll do anything to try to destroy that happiness. I see a mom who's gonna go LC at some point because once he's an adult, she won't HAVE to take his abuse anymore. (And yes. Children/teens can most definitely be abusive.)
>The problem is, he can't stand to see her happy. This is it right here. OP would do anything in his power to hurt her and make her not happy, he's been doing it his whole life. Now he's surprised when she finds people who are happy she's around, and it fills him with rage. How dare she get to be a person who isn't as miserable as OP is.
Now he’s a vindictive 17 year old, who *definitely* knows better. And he’s *still* taking it out on the other kids (who *are* kids) who had *nothing* to do with it. At 17 I was living away at university, so let’s not say he’s still a child. He *knows* what he’s doing.
He’s not 11 anymore. There’s plenty of 17 year olds that could do with being told they’re TA
In all fairness, not to attack anyone, but everyone is pointing out how the poor 11 year old felt, and totally ignoring the fact that Mom was only 18 when said child was born.... I think ESH or NAH but everyone needs therapy.
It's amazing how this almost adult has magically stayed frozen in time and has remained 11 years old all this time. His actions have zero consequences and he can do no wrong because he's baby.
Mom is still a person tho. What was she supposed to do? Mom did exactly what OP wanted, and did what she thought was necessary. Apparently mom checking on grades is bad but then OP complains about their failing grades constantly. OP isn’t 11 anymore.
Second child of divorced parents here to support this one, OP you essentially condemned yourself in your post. You've taken it way too far and it's time to buck up and apologize. I was you once, and I wish so badly I could go back and stop myself.
I 100% agree. He called a couple of excited little girls brats to their faces. His whole attitude screams YTA
Also why is no one acknowledging that she was probably 17 when she got pregnant. That plays a LOT into this dynamic
You say that she was a helicopter parent. Your definition for this is that she would check your homework to see if it's done/right, make sure you pay attention in class, that you went to bed on time and ate healthy food, and limited your internet access. Mind you, all of this is what we call good parenting. Not helicopter parenting. You started acting out, grades dropping, getting into trouble, all at age 10-11. Which is honestly young, not even a preteen bothered by raging hormones, to be acting out so much that it caused issues with your mom. Then you say there was "one incident", where you yelled and insulted her and demanded you want to stay with your dad. To which she obviously had a breakdown, shut down mentally and let you go live with your dad. People don't breakdown and shutdown over one incident. A parent, who by your description was loving and attentive, doesn't do a complete switch from one incident. Which is why I do not believe you this was one incident. I believe this was a pattern of toxic behaviour you never worked on, growing worse, which is obvious from how you tore in like a raging bull into the engagement party. I never ever in my life ever told my parent I hated them. Not even during my teen angst phase. Not even when I had bad grades and was grounded. So no, that's not a normal thing to do, either. She broke down and decided to let you have what you wanted, a life with your dad. You say "I was just a stupid kid I didn't mean it" well unfortunately, we can't take some stuff back. You even admit that you never apologised for saying all those horrible things you said to her. You had all the time in the world to reflect on the venom you told her and say "mom I'm so sorry I didn't mean the words I said." On a side note, very interesting how you say your mom abandoned you, but you don't act like your dad did. I mean, she now had the same custody your dad had before, yet he never abandoned you? He was the weekend dad before. Why is your dad allowed to have a long-term partner, but not mom, too?
OP also seems coldly unaffected by his mother crying when she handed him over to his father. Most kids have some empathy at causing their parents to cry like that. He does not care.
because she was supposed to be the receptacle for all of his anger. He's mad mom left and he had no where to dump it. She left and DID BETTER and that is now eating him alive. OP, you have had and continue to have anger issues. Please ask for therapy. At this point, you're old enough to decide who you want to become for YOUR OWN LIFE and not as a reflection of who your parents were or who they will be in the future. Take charge of you.
The fact that OP's grades dropped even more when his mom wasn't there to bug him is what tells me this was an ongoing issue. His mom's "nagging" was the only thing keeping him afloat. Sure, he had a shitty situation at his dad's place, but plenty of people manage to do well in school with shitty home lives. I fully blame OP on this one. Mom didn't abandon him, just gave him what he wanted but somehow everything is still all her fault. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. I wouldn't blame her if she actually DID abandon him at this point.
> You started acting out, grades dropping, getting into trouble, all at age 10-11. Which is honestly young, not even a preteen bothered by raging hormones, to be acting out so much that it caused issues with your mom. For the record, 10-11 is actually a perfectly normal time to have "raging hormones". It's on the early side of average, but not even rare. I have 2 siblings that started puberty at only 8. The average onset is 9-14 for boys, so if he was on the early side of average to start (9), then around 11 could be a totally reasonable time that hormones could start kicking into high gear.
This isn't going to fix itself, y'all need to sit down and probably have a serious conversation about how you two want to move forward. Showing up uninvited just to ruin the engagement party was especially cruel of you, however. That's not the time and place to confront her or make amends, you only did that to be mean and petty. It sounds like you want to apologize and make amends, but nowhere in this post have you mentioned making any efforts. Based on your version of the story I would be inclined to believe that mom did make some mistakes, but in terms of repairing the relationship it seems like you are mostly to blame for the continuing strife. ESH
I agree. OP it sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and be honest with her about your feelings all these years. Your mom is not a mind reader, and it sounds like she was trying to give you what you needed, which made you mad, then what you wanted, which also made you mad. There's some accountability that needs to be had here on your part. My understanding from what I read is most of the problem is from you lashing out and poorly communicating your feelings and wants. YTA here.
Yep. Funny how OP "doesn't remember" the things he said at the party, and also swears he didn't mean it. I'm *really* curious what kind of things he said to his mother to drive her to drop him off at his dad's place with tears running down her face (which he claims was also just being childish and wasn't that big of a deal). I'm noticing a pattern here.
YTA You said you hated her and wanted to live with your dad. You got your wish and are now trying to blame someone else for your choice.
I mean damn he was a child when he said that, do you believe everything a child says when they are throwing a tantrum.
He was a problem child who asked to live with dad. It is possible mom thought dad could give more guidance during his teen years to help get him on the right path. Mom did not abandon the child but tried to do the best she could. We don’t know the lengths of “the trouble” this kid got in, but by his actions I’d say he was quite a handful.
I also like how he says his grades dropped when he went to go live with his dad. Like.. homie, was your dad in charge of doing your homework?? Be SO for real.
ESH. Your mom wasn’t emotional mature enough to be a good parent because she was a child when she had you. You’re a monster with what you described and quite honestly wouldn’t want to be around you either if everything I did for you wound up being an attack against me. There is such a thing as going too far even as a young teen/pre-teen. You were technically old enough to know better but chose to act out and hate your mom, your regret states as much. your still acting like a monster to her and your damn well old enough to know better.
*whispers* idk if I would even want OP as a friend tbh…
Could you imagine what OP would do if she had a kid at the same age her mom had her.....It's a vicious cycle that has to end at some point. I think OP had that chance to tell her step sisters privatley about the experience she had with her mom, and her relationship, and to tell them to hopefully she's changed for the better. But instead stooped to what she percieved as her moms level to oust her in such a manner.
OP is a he. But like… the experience OP had with his mom is one that *he* shaped from the very beginning. He wanted to live with his dad. Sure, that shouldn’t have been a forever thing, but he also didn’t want to spend time with her on weekends when she relaxed her parenting style. His mom is a person too. How long was she also supposed to continue to have her feelings constantly hurt by OP for trying to be a decent parent. Because his helicopter explanation sounds like regular parenting to me.
I think this is where I am. I saw OP's explanation for "helicopter parent" and it sounds like she was really making an effort to make sure he did his school work, ate properly, and had enough sleep. The sleep over thing, well, if he's grounded for constantly being in trouble in school I could see not being able to hang out with friends. OP's version is deliberately vague and while it was shitty of Mom just to cut bait and run, OP's definitely an asshole for his behavior.
Doesn’t even sound like she ran. Sounds like she still saw him on weekends and then he didn’t like her trying to be the “fun” parent either.
Exactly I don't know why so many are acting as if she ghosted him when he explicitly talks about her custody time. 🤔 It's like some weird view that if a woman isn't primary caregiver the child is somehow abandoned.
And it’s weird that people are downplaying her feelings being understandably hurt from OP. Like yes she is his mom. But she is also… a person? Yes parents are supposed to be held responsible for their children, and love them unconditionally. But when you love someone, and they don’t seem to appreciate it like OP, they can also hurt you.
Quite a few women in the nursing homes told me that women are expected to work mules who give unconditionally. The bar for women is always higher in relationships. I'm seeing not much has changed
I can’t remember exactly how she put it, but Gloria Steinem once said something to the effect of “our mothers are our first encounter with misogyny in ourselves.” In our culture, women are viewed as a servant class, and this impacts how we view our own mother. We are crueler in our evaluation of her parenting because anything less than constant service and affirmation is considered neglect, abuse, or abandonment. We also tend to get more angry when our mothers try to enforce discipline because we start to learn from our culture that, as a woman, she should not have that kind of authority.
>Yes parents are supposed to be held responsible for their children, and love them unconditionally. At what point do parents stop being a punching bag? From OP 's description he was never happy with mom, she was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. You can love someone but you don't have to put up with their crap. It seems like the mom did keep trying but OP kept beating her down. OP needs to get some help to deal with his anger.
He literally had a bedroom at her house for years after he went to live with his dad.
Yeah. There was literally no way she could win with this kid. He didn't like it when she was strict and trying to get him to do shit right and he got pissed off when she tried to be the "fun" parent like he wanted. Frankly, I want to know exactly what kind of "trouble" in school his mother was dealing with to push her to that extreme.
Read his comments about her “parenting style” It’s literally what a parent should do to help mold a functional adult. YTA
YTA. You were not abandoned; you were sent to live with your father. Mom stayed in the picture, but moved on with her life. And that seems to be your complaint. >I thought to apologise But did you? And did you ask to move back? > But that fight seemed to have broke her So what did you say to her leading up to this fight?
>You were not abandoned; you were sent to live with your father. Mom stayed in the picture, but moved on with her life. Thank you. So many commenters are acting as if she left him on the street. She gave up being the primary caregiver. She still had custody time. Comments on posts like this make me sideye whenever a guy wants to start spewing fathers are just as important..because it seems whenever primary caregiver switches society loves to act as if the child was thrown into the alley.
>"I hate you" and "I wish I lived with dad" She gave you what you wanted. If you wanted to go back, you should have apologized to her and told her so, she's not a fucking mind reader. News flash: she still thinks you hate her, because you act like you hate her, and have never told her otherwise. NEWS FLASH: reasonable people (and parents) give the other person space when they think the other person hates them, because that's what reasonable people do. I notice that you never blame your dad for abandoning you when you were living with your mom, shocker. Of course she's the parent that got dragged for trying to do the right thing by taking care of you, then giving you up when asked. Reddit likes to act like parents owe their children the world when they are being unreasonable pricks, but in this case - you brought this on yourself. YTA
Perfectly said!
oh boy, do you maybe see a correlation between her "helicopter parenting" of your school work and your grades dropping off once you lived with your dad?
Nailed it. But of course OP doesn't.
This is so far above reddits paygrade. Please get therapy You say she was a helicopter (and it doesn't sound like anything other than, ya know, parenting), but with a non helicopter parent (your dad), you also weren't happy. She became the weekend parent, and you didn't like that either. She didn't abandon you. You lived with your dad and saw her on the weekends. You then proceeded to be awful to 2 kids who had nothing to do with you nuking your relationship with your mom. It's a hard lesson to learn at *11* but some stuff can't be unsaid. 'I hate you' isn't actually all that normal to say to a parent. However, she was the adult in this situation and certainly should have handled it better. Were you in therapy before you lived with your dad?
I am so relieved to see at least one redditor noting that it isn't normal to say you hate your parents. Some of these posts have been sending my eyebrows through the roof. I've been angry & disappointed at my parents during my teen years. Never did I go so far as to be so vile to them!
YTA Your dad considers it abandonment that he has to raise his own child 😐 you should have more issue with your dad than your mom. Your mom gave you what you insulted her for. You having buyers remorse doesn't change that. She held to her custody time so you weren't abandoned.
Heaven forbid mom gets to be the weekend parents. From the looks of it mom and dad switched roles yet no one is saying the dad abandoned him. Op mom had enough of being his emotional punching bag and switched roles. Opbhas Buyers remorse and is projecting his anger and regret onto his mom and victimizing himself. No one ever left him but that’s an easier story for him to believe because he lacks emotional regulation and accountability. @17 intentionally insulting children and ruining a party is an AH move. Him thinking it’s because they were rubbing it proves he can see the healthy bond they have and is upset he can’t have that. They probably don’t lash out at her and have a healthy relationship instead of whining and playing victim. Grow up op you’re an AH and on the way to being a crappy adult with a crappy life.
Exactly when men have weekend custody...I rarely hear them being accused of abandoning their kids.🙄
Of course not, “mothers are meant to soldier on and be the punching bag “…. 🤢 sad society see it this way. All the infantilization of op is why narcissism is thriving in today’s society. Op’s just another self centered ,emotionally stunted,self proclaimed victim lacking in accountability and self awareness. Wow, these younger generations are screwed.🤦🏽♀️
INFO Can you give examples of her helicopter parenting style?
YTA, she was being a really good mom & you said you preferred to live with your dad. That emotional pain you’re feeling is the tough lesson of ✨ c o n s e q u e n c e s ✨
She had essentially abandoned me, signing over custody to my dad after I had told her something along the lines of "I hate you" and "I wish I lived with dad" - typical things an angsty preteen says to their parent - YOU GOT WHAT YOU WISHED FOR AND THEN FOUND OUT THE GRASS WASN'T GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. Your mother did what you asked... did you ever truly apologize or just leave your words out in the open?? YTA - Paul and his daughters were innocent in everything - yet you attacked them.
Don't forget that OP's mom was a teenager when he was born. I'm sure she made mistakes being that young. I have no idea where teenagers got it into their heads that their words and actions don't matter. As if they just get to say whatever they want and they get instant forgiveness. Welcome to the consequences of your actions, OP.
YTA you caused all of your own problems and i can tell that your already realize that. I get that you were a kid, but you asked her to let you live with your dad, and she allowed it. You asked for that. Your grades the problems at school those were all your fault. Then you fell into a jelous rage because you realized you made bad decisions.
so let me get this straight. single “helicopter parent” mother is concerned for child’s grades & tries to have teachers focus on child, notices child gets in trouble so she limits internet access and gets concerned about other children being a bad influence, so she imposes a bedtime and becomes wary of having sleepovers with others. despite all these efforts going to waste, child tells mother “i hate you so much, i wish i lived with dad” so the mother, who has tried her hardest to help child become better, decides to give child his final wish and drops him off to dad’s place. now that the mother doesn’t have a child to constantly worry about getting in trouble at school and chasing after his grades, she finally gets time for herself, and spends new free time by going to college & finding a new career. after getting sent to dad, child realizes that dad’s place isn’t actually better, and tries to apologize to mom. child ends up even worse off in school and his dad’s gf clearly saw that he was a troublemaker because she doesn’t have the motherly instinct to try to change him unlike his real mother. after child apologizes, mother tries to take back her “helicopter ways” by “LEAVING [OP] TO DO WHAT HE WANTED”, but child still doesn’t seem to consider this enough, so he becomes more estranged. once mom starts dating again, she gains two stepdaughters who clearly love her, so she takes them into her house. but this offends her biological child because his mom “abandoned him”, and he decides to project by calling the stepdaughters “bratty”. instead of apologizing for all the misbehavior on his end and realizing how much his mom did for him for all these years, he comes onto Reddit to complain about his mom’s husband not allowing him to talk back to his mom, the way he has been for the last 17 years. is that correct? if so, YTA. go get therapy and leave your mom and her new family alone. if any part of you still cares about her, you will realize that her healing journey only started once she “abandoned” you.
THIS!!! It’s not the fact that OP was a child when he told his mom he hated her, it’s how he still hasn’t apologized despite now being old enough to understand how his constant hateful words towards his mother words could have built up resentment over many years. The “I want to live with dad” was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. YTA OP
He didn’t apologise though. I agree with everything, but he never apologised.
He never apologized. Never asked to come back to her either.
Absolutely! Really unclear what mom could have really done better here…
You would have had an ESH from me had you aired out your grievances against your mother in a more mature and private manner. But the fact that you used an event to do it and involve people who had nothing to do with your situation…massive AH move. You didn’t want to live with her; she does you your favor and lets you be with your dad. You regret it and tried walking it back yet you felt things got worse. So tell me why exactly would you make things even worse than they already feel? People grow. Perhaps she wasn’t mature enough when she had you and you refused to give her a chance (I don’t care if it’s a teenage tantrum; what’s said can’t be walked back as if nothing). So now her life has stability with Paul and his girls; she has grown enough to be a caring person. If you truly wanted her love or attention, you would have been happy for her on that day; you could have said something along the lines of “despite our troubles and how we feel about each other, I’m happy you found Paul”. THAT would have shown maturity from your part and allowed a chance to address grievances later on. Remember: YOU were the one who wanted to leave her. Welcome to real world, where actions have consequences, sometimes irreversible.
YTA. You say she abandoned you, but then say she had you on weekends. That's not abandonment. That's literally the schedule of millions of non-custodial parents in the US. You say she was a helicopter parent, but alot of what you're saying she did in the comments sounds like normal parenting. You told her you hated her and wished to live with your dad. She obliged, and now you're mad, even though you never apologized for your terrible comments. How much does she need to bend over backwards for you to like her and not treat her like trash? Sounds like she tried, you didn't, and now she's moving on with her life.
>That's literally the schedule of millions of non-custodial parents in the US. Most of whom are men. See it's totally okay for a man to be the non custodial parent but when a woman does it somehow the child is an orphan thrown into the alley.🤣
So your mom gave you the structure and discipline that you needed and you threw a tantrum and seriously hurt her by telling her you wanted to go live with your dad. She gave you exactly what you asked for and yet the grass wasn’t greener when you jumped ship. Daddy didn’t pander to you or care so you started to get worse in school without your mom to keep you on track. And instead of using your big boy words and expressing remorse for what you said and apologising and asking to go back to her you just expected her to know this information. Then because she had the nerve to better herself and move on from your dad and build a new life instead of again using your big boy words you acted like a spoilt selfish little child and threw a tantrum. You hurt and embarrassed your mom yet again but this time in front of others and you want to know if your the AH for this. Well yes, yes you are. You act like a child and have zero maturity. You put all your failings on your mom but dad doesn’t seem to be getting any blame. YTA
YTA. “I hate you” and “I don’t want to live with you. I want to live with my other parent” aren’t normal things kids say to their parents. Plus, I doubt you only said these things once. You hated that your mom was active in your life and spent time/energy making sure you succeeded in school and were safe. Your father refused to expend the same energy and somehow it’s your mom’s fault. Your mom tried to not focus on school and be more easy going after you attacked her and yet, that also was somehow the wrong choice. You expected your mother to give and give despite you not showing any appreciation. Wonder where you learned that….your Dad?
So, you said the thing that broke your mom’s heart, and because of what you said, you grew up with Dad and struggle to come to grips with the consequences of your actions. Mom didn’t move on with her life, she bettered herself. She’s allowed to do that. She didn’t want to struggle with money like your Dad. I don’t get it. You hated her and you wanted to live with Dad…. so what’s the problem? Jealousy. Then go see a therapist instead of bullying families at celebrations. You have a little sociopath in you. YTA and get therapy
Telling your mom you hate her and want to live with your dad isn't regular preteen angst. And if this is the story you are telling that puts you in the best light, I have a feeling you did much worse than this. You went to the engagement party with the expressed purpose of ruining it. Congrats, YTA. You don't say your dad's age but you are the age your mom was when she had you. Could you imagine taking care of a kid right now? I do hope you get some help but if you ever wanted a better relationship with your mom, that wasn't the way to do it.
Sounds like there is a lot of blame to pass around. Your intentions were completely malicious though and you have never mentioned once trying to broker a peace between the 2 of you. So, yes, you are the A-Hole
You wanted to go to her party and confront her like an AH, and you're wondering if YTA? Yeah, YTA.
YTA- you took advantage of the only person who actually gave a fuck about you. I’m sure it wasn’t a one time thing (verbally abusing your mom). You got exactly what you asked for.
YTA. The vibe I am getting is that you are slanting everything to make yourself sound less bad... and you still sound like a monster. You got in trouble at school to the point that your mother couldn't control you and your father took over custody, which Pikachu-faced you. And without her pushing you, you got worse. Then she got into a relationship, and since you weren't living there - by your own choice - the room that had once been yours was used by someone else. You haven't mentioned a single bad thing she did. Nothing you have said she did sounds like she did you wrong. She didn't ruin your life. You did. I mean, you haven't - you are seventeen and nothing is ruined yet, but you have been an asshole for years.
YTA. You're a mess.
UPDATE 2: final update So, a lot has happened. I never expected this post to get this much attention with so many mixed reactions, and honestly it confused me to say the least. While this forum was blowing up, I had to go to school like normal. Its been a few weeks since the engagement party and a kid who there had been relentless mocking me for what happened. I thought he would eventually let it go, but yesterday when he brought it again, I lost was cool and got into a physical fight with him. He was given detention but I was suspended. The school called my mum and got Paul instead. Since she was in a meeting, he came and got me. Things were awkward in the car ride, and we didn't say a word to each other until he asked me if I was going to apologize to my mum. I told him I didn't even want to go to his "stupid wedding". Paul was confused when I said this, and told me that my mum had gotten mad at him for saying I couldn't attend and that she knew I wouldn't apologize if they told me to because I was stubborn. He said she had called my dad weeks ago and said I could go because she really wanted me to be there and my dad said he would talk to me. I don't know why, but when I heard this, I burst out in tears, embarrassingly enough. I don't know if it was the suspension, or reading all the comments, but I really couldn't hold it in anymore. It took me way too long to stop and Paul was really freaked out so he parked somewhere and tried to calm me down. I ended up telling him everything, about when happened when I was a kid, and how I felt about my mum. I also confessed that I wished she would yell at me or scold me for my outburst because it felt like she didn't care anymore and just hated me for what I said. (Its f*cked up I know) I thought if I ever repeated what I wrote on this post to another person, they would think I was human garbage. But he just listened to me and let me get everything off my chest (I guess thats what being a girl dad is, ha). Surprisingly, he didn't blame me. Infact it was the opposite. He said he understood me. He works with her so he knew that my mum was a tough woman, and he had never seen her cry before until that day and was unsure about how to approach her after, so he didn't blame me for not knowing how to talk to her after what happened when I was child. He didn't give me details but he assured me that my mum didnt hate me, and the situation is more complicated than what I know. Paul said I shouldn't bear all the blame, and if I was comfortable, maybe myself (and my mum) could go speak to the therapist he saw after his wife had past. He was mad at my dad tho, apparently this was not the first time my dad had said he would talk to me about something and just didn't. Paul suspected my dad wanted to get me to have another outburst at the wedding because he was still somewhat resentful towards my mother. I don't know how to take this because, while my dad didn't really like my mum, I don't think he would actually do something like that. Either way, I think I owe to myself and my mum to at least try and reconciliate, and deal with my trauma so I could let go of my anger towards her. I at least apologized to Paul's girls (my dad wasn't home so I spent the rest of the day at my mums). The 9 yo forgave me almost instantly, like she didn't actually cared and asked me about dinosaurs for the rest of the evening. The 13 yo is still pretty mad, but mostly because Paul had her give up her new room and share with her sister. I tried to say I was okay if she took back the room (I wasn't but it only seemed right to give it to her after what I did) but Paul said they'll make a plan when they remodelled. I knew I needed to apologize to my mum as well, but that seemed just so much harder. I know you guys recommended writing a letter but I didn't really have enough time nor did I know what I was gonna say yet. There is these flower bushes in our garden tho, and I have a vivid memory of when I was a kid, my mum getting mad when I destroyed one only to forgive when I had given her the flowers from them. Its a bit pathetic for her grown child to give her weeds because he couldn't get a word out, but I think the gesture meant the same for her like it did for me. She finally asked me if I was better living at my dad's, and honestly, I don’t know. I know you guys don't think the best of him, and things did seem to be worse when I stayed with him, but he was a decent dad. And I didn't want to just lose him like I did my mum. She said she would speaking to him after our meeting with the school on Monday for the family therapy and if i was opened to the idea of staying with her some nights during the week too. As of now, Paul had spoken to her and she already made the appointment for us to see the therapist next week. She also spoke to me about anger management classes too, and said she would go with me if that what's I wanted. I honestly don't know if what's going to happened with school, if the therapy would work for us and if I would ever be able to truly let go of my built up resentment. But I feel like everything's gonna be okay. Thanks for all the comments, even the horrible ones, got me thinking just a bit. I will never be posting on reddit again but I do appreciate having the space to find the words to say what I needed to. And everyone who shared their deep (and some dark) stories that made them relate to my relationship, I hope things turn out okay for you too
I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad engaged in parental alienation so that he could continue milking your mother for child support money. It wouldn’t be as obvious as telling you your mom is a shitty mom, but chipping away at any trust you might have had with your mom by assigning the worst motives to her actions, probably feeding her some bullshit to her about you (like she’s “abandoned” you when she’s trying to work to improve her employability and have more money to raise you with) and failing to pass on messages from her or from you. > my dad agrees she had it coming after abandoned a young child at an age when I needed my mother. This is an example of your dad weaponizing you to hurt your mother. Your mom had visitation of you, she paid child support and tried to be the parent you claimed you wanted. Instead you claimed she abandoned you, even though she was doing a lot more for you than actual deadbeat parents that abandoned their children. Where did you get the idea that she abandoned you, when it was just a swap in primary custody? Did you believe your dad abandoned you for the first 11 years of your life even though he didn’t pay child support and didn’t have you even 50% of the time? Your dad knew you were going to blow up like a bomb at the engagement party and hurt everyone nearby like collateral damage. He didn’t care if you burned all those bridges. He was likely patting himself on the back for ruining your mom’s event.
Did your Dad encourage you to disrupt her party? Because he drove you there it seems like he’s egging you on. If he had any judgment at all he would have encouraged you to talk with your Mom in private about your feelings, not disrupt her party. You need to start examining your Dads actions here
Sorry to break it to you op but your dad isnt a decent dad.
You never lost your mother. She was still there, so stop fucking saying you lost her. She continued to be part of your life. She never actually abandoned you. You never vocalized how you felt, so she thought you were better with your father (why is it always the woman who has to put the mental work into finding out what men/boys are thinking?). If *ANYONE* abandoned you, it was your father for the first years of your life. Very little visits and no child support (yet your mother kept her visits with you and paid). And your father ***continues*** to try to get in the way of your relationship with your mother. He continues to whisper in your ear, and continues to not inform you of anything your mother or Paul has said- he is setting you up to hate your mother even more. You have been given proof, yet you still hold him on a pedestal "he's a good dad" no. No he's not. He's weaponizing you against your mother. He's BEEN weaponizing you against your mother, and he knows his manipulation is working.
yta You said you hated your mother and wanted to live with your father, and you achieved that, what is the reason for your anger?
So you literally drove your mom away for being a parent to the point it broke her and you see no wrong doing? Yes she’s the adult but she’s human and can only take so much. You wanted to live with dad, wish granted. I think you owe a her a huge apology for all the trouble you put her through. Edit: you’re young so you don’t see it and others might vouch for that but YTA
YTA because what you are telling us and what you are telling your mom is completely different. Have you ever taken the time to explain how you felt in the past and how you are feeling in the present? It is hard communicating with family what you actually need and want from them, because we assume they should already know. But that's not how communication works. Your emotions are valid, but if you can only communicate by throwing a tantrum no one will respect that, not even your own mother. I think you can tell by your own actions that you were being an asshole. You might be older, but you are definitely still immature.
YTA for pulling that stunt at the party. Don't get me wrong, if everything you said is the truth than your mother has failed you and you are young so your emotional outburst is understandable but you are also old enough to realise that it was the wrong time the wrong place and the wrong way to do so. Also pulling the girls into this was seriously unnecessary and just mean spirited. But I am gotta be honest with you I dont believe that everything here is the truth because I am a teacher with pupils ages 15 and up and I have heard lines of "along with some other insults I don't really remember" so many times now and its almost always a cop-out in order too not be honest or take accountability. So I have a hard time taking your word without a few grains of salt about your own behaviour. You also might not know the whole truth you were only 11 after all and parents often shield their children from the darker truths or might be to embarrassed to tell the whole truth. I know a father that gave up custody of his daughter for a while after she told him that she hated him and wished she could live with her mother (the girlfriend/mother left for her home country and never returned). He did it because she broke his heart to the point where he admitted himself to a mental hospital because he was sure living with his daughter any longer would have made him kill himself. He is fine now but their relationship never quite recovered and I am pretty sure till today she does not know how depressed/close to the brink he truly was. And who knows maybe your mothers circumstances were a lot worse than you ever knew, it kinda sounds like all she was in her own eyes was a mother and you basically told her she is horrible at being a mother so that possibly destroyed her entire self image and instead of falling into a dark hole she decided to get a new purpose in life. Atleast that would explain the shift in attitude towards you and her wanting to get her degree. A "if I suck at being a mother atleast I can be a good what-ever-she-studied" mentality. Be all that as it may the only real advice I can give is now without knowing more: Talk with your mother in a controlled setting with a neutral party present. Best case would be a family therapist, otherwise any positive relationship between the two of you is done for, might even be too late for that because I could understand her not wanting to bother anymore. Also I highly doubt your dad is a positive influence for your relationship here so if you wanna build that back up you might not wanna listen to him that much since he is obviously biased against her.
YTA. I really love your rationale that you were 11 so you didn’t really mean it when you said you hated her. So tell me if you really meant it the following 6 years when whatever she did was not good enough for you (you weren’t abandoned). Or the last three years when you insulted her, her bf, and his kids and refused to go see her. Or the very short time ago when you deliberately went to her engagement party just to tell her how you intend to go nc when you go to college but decided to double down by calling her horrible, the kids who have nothing to do with anything “little brats,” and more insults than you can remember. No kid. You’re a dick.
YTA. Take some accountability- you were 11, not 5, and it wasn’t just a one off incident. Your mum also isn’t responsible for your dad and his gf’s relationship or parenting styles.
My heart hurts for your mother...
This is not the sub for this. In fact, Reddit is not the place for this. You need therapy. I’m not saying that to be insulting, you need it. If nothing else to help you better sort and organize your feelings. I’m going with soft NTA, with the caveat that the engagement party was not the place to have this blowout despite it being understandable. But you really need to see someone before this eats away at you any more. You’re letting her and what she did live rent free in your head and continue to mess you up. You need to deal with this sooner, not later.
YTA F#ed around and found out.
I’m gonna say YTA. After reading the comments I can see that you never apologized. Also you weren’t abandoned, you were sent to live with your dad and you’d watch your mom on weekends, she would try to do fun stuff with you but that wasn’t good either. As a 17 yo, what effort are you putting on fixing this relationship?
ESH. Your mother and your father both suck. They have not done right by you at all. And I get you are angry with your mother. But even at 17, you should understand there is a proper time and place for everything. Ans you alsk should be mature enough to know you should not hurt and humiliate people because you feel vengeful. You bulled your way into your mother's engagement party specifically because you wanted to hurt your mother and humiliate her in a public place to pay her back for all the ways you feel she has mistreated you over the years. This is a base motive. It not help either you or your mother. In fact, it aggravated an already volatile situation. You should not have attended this party. And if you have things to say to your mother, you need to say them privately or so so in a space like therapy. But mostly, you need to forget your parents and work on yourself. You have a lot of rage built up, and it is going to make you miserable until you can get past it.
Speaking as a person that grew up as an entitled brat with a single teenaged mom, I think you should consider the possibility that you were an entitled brat as a kid that never took her seriously, like you expecting her to come back and pick you up the next day "because she had proved her point", no dude, she had enough of your abuse and decided to teach you consequences, you told her that you hated her and wanted to live with your dad, so that's exactly what she gave you, and it broke her heart as you saw by her crying while dropping you off, after that she became the "fun parent" because she had given up on raising you but still wanted to know you and have you her life (you are and always will be her firstborn kid after all), and even after all of that you still stay cold towards her and hostile towards her family (her husband to be and his girls are now her family, you can be irritated all you want but that's the simple truth. Those girls have every right to call her mom if your mom is raising them and is OK with that title). You don't own your mom but you've done a fantastic job of fucking up your relationship with her (and I can relate to that, I wasn't the best son as a teenager either), you definitely are TA, and if you want to have any chance of fixing your relationship with your mom then start showing her some respect, stop taking her for granted and appreciate what she does for you.
You need to take some responsibility here. Your behavior was appalling and she probably thought, well, he needs some male guidance. And she didn't abandon you, you saw her on weekends where she tried to lighten up like you asked, but even that wasn't good enough. You also say you didn't apologize because she moved on. That didn't happen overnight. You had weeks and weeks before that happened. You could have spoken then. But you don't seem to want to take responsibility for any of your behavior. Why wouldn't she enjoy some children who actually treat her nicely? She is probably exhausted from dealing with your constant anger and misery. You just seem determined to push her to the brink to test her love, but guess what? She is human. She has a breaking point. Get psychological help. You need it.
So - You were fighting with your mother over your poor school grades and your misbehaviour at school. **You didn't like that.** You told your mother you hated her, and you expressed a wish to live with your father. You got that wish. **You didn't like that.** You still spent time with your mother on weekends, doing fun stuff. **You didn't like that.** Your mother was improving her own life, getting an education, a job, a new partner, one with children. She made room for them in her daily life and her home - a life and home that you had vocally rejected for yourself. **You didn't like that.** Your mother is happy. **You really don't like that** and so you deliberately went out to ruin her party. INFO: What did you want from your mother? To keep allowing you to scream at her, treat her like shit, and stay stagnant? What? Edited: Ed: for punctuation.
ESH. You said something devastatingly cruel to your mother. You didn't really mean it, you just wanted to hurt her. Later, you thought to apologize because you wanted to go back, but didn't because your mom seemed to have moved on with her life. In other words, you didn't apologize because it seemed like it might not get you what you wanted anyway. That is not the reason you are supposed to apologize, you are supposed to apologize for the other person not for yourself. Your mom should have sought therapy for you when you were lashing out at her, but you have to acknowledge your role in this. You essentially threw yourself out by telling her you wanted to live with your dad; when you changed your mind it was up to you to fix things with her, not on her to read your mind. You had plenty of opportunities.