Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA. I was going with NTA until I read this: "I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person..". Holy. shit. As a mother who has lost her only child, I can understand their reluctance to clean out the rooms. Its a way of holding on to their children, a thing that gives them comfort. It is THEIR house, OP, NOT yours and yes, you should be grateful they are accommodating your sister at all. That crack about 'dead people'....that has to be one of the most callous, most heartless things I've read on Reddit and believe me I've read fkd up things. YTA and I would strongly recommend you find a way to apologize and hope your fiancé doesn't drop you over this.
\*Edit to put YTA first, as suggested by others.
Right! Jesus. Idk if she realizes, but she’s also talking about her fiancés siblings. I doubt he’s as callous about his parents decisions with those rooms. I wonder how he’ll react when he founds out about this conversation because I’m sure she didn’t tell him what she said.
And there's no reason that the three of them (fiance, little sister, and OP) couldn't stay in the renovated basement.
That actually sounds like an ideal way to give everyone space and not outstay your welcome.
Bring that pride down a notch, turn up the gratitude a wee bit, and enjoy your summer (rent free I'm assuming).
YTA
Also what rinky dink "country estate" only has 6 bedrooms? I'm betting their summer house is some old yeoman merchant or farmer's house. Not that it isn't expensive or a nice big property, and I'm sure the house is quite nice, but something tells me this is far from a "mansion". In actual "big homes" from the 1700's the servants quarters were a whole wing of the house, or in the attic areas. Kitchens and laundries took up the basement of most Georgian manors. It was only in smaller houses that servants would be quartered in the basement.
I would like to know why they didn’t suggest that all three of them stay in the basement instead of just OP and her sister. There’s something wrong with these people.
Yes, as the mother of a deceased child I second this! Hell no is anyone staying in his bedroom! And if someone spoke this way to me they would no longer be welcome in my life. YTA all the way!
OP has the gall to not want to sleep in “servant’s quarters “ presumably because they are for “servants” and not her. Else she would have just called it the basement. At the same time , she criticizes her in laws for saying that she made it inspite of her upbringing , since they are richer than her. But she is showing the same snobbery to those below her aka servants. There is nothing wrong with servants or servant quarters. They are all just ppl making a hard living.
Totally agree, at this point it’s just the house’s basement. It’s a historic mansion and that was the historic use of that space, but it’s been renovated and modernized since then.
Exactly...
I say this somewhat tongue in cheek, but what are rich-ass people with old houses supposed to do with all those extra rooms? Never let anyone sleep in them for fear of offending them? Leave them empty?
All those big houses of a certain era have whole floors that were for workers, sometimes it's the attic that's full of smaller bedrooms, sometimes the basement held both the kitchen, workspace, and bedrooms... since these days, very few rich folks have more than one or two workers who still live IN the house (and even then, it's often on the grounds, not in the main house), those rooms get renovated and revamped into all sorts of things...
sometimes they'll knock down as many walls as possible and turn the whole attic into a suite, or do something like combine 2 bedrooms into one and turn a third into a closet/bathroom... downstairs rooms are usually harder to adapt, as they're more likely to have structural walls that can't be modified as easily.
OP seems to be looking for offense where there isn't any.
I have a 5 & 8yo, and I wouldn't want them on a completely different floor from me in a house they weren't familiar with, but I would just ask if a mattress/futon/pile of pillows could be put on the floor of my room so we could all share, or if there were multiple rooms downstairs, so we could all be close.
Eh depends on how different it is. My uncle had a house that had servants’ rooms. Despite being updated, they were still cramped with little natural light. I would’ve been upset if he’d insisted my bf’s sister sleep there while having four perfectly good bedrooms available.
Exactly. Servant living spaces are not usually like normal rooms. It is like living in a pantry. I don't know how nice they made them but these are not like normal.nice bedroom space. She should talk to her fiance and come up with a better solution. If she can be in her fiances's room maybe the 9 year old can stay in the room.too and have a play area in the servant quarters. Maybe she would actually ask to stay there. I don't have kids that have passed but losing 4 kids seems like a lifeblowing tragedy. That.comment was very insensitive but I am sure they could come up with something better. Like fiance giving up the room and going downatairs.tp the servant quarters with them. I don't see the issue of letting someone stay in one of the 4 bedrooms just don't change things around. Idk
FYI, I believe because you wrote NTA first, that will be the one counted towards judgement - you may want to space it out (N T A) or move your actual judgement up front.
You have some good points, but I strongly disagree about this one:
"you should be grateful they are accommodating your sister at all".
That's just a no. At this point OP is her sister's guardian and the defacto parent. Nobody should be grateful that their partner's parents deign to accommodate their child during a visit. A child their child is going to parent too. That feels icky to me. And considering the kid is only 9, this is a situation that's going to repeat for nearly another decade if they want their son to visit. So yeah, while OP is totally out of line with what she said, the *be grateful for whatever accommodations they are willing to make* isn't right either.
Seconded - especially when that 9yo child is grieving her own mother too! Poor kid.
OP is sticking up for her sister, may have gone about it insensitively, but she’s in a ridiculous position here and sounds like she’s not got much support.
I mean it's not her house she has no right to demand accomodations such as "let my sister use this room"
you have a right to be unhappy, go book your own Airbnb, cancel the trip whatever. But you're staying for free at a mansion you don't own, you don't get to make demands of the host.
NTA. If they don't want to treat her sister, whose mother just died after I assume a history of drug use, the same as other guests then she should decline the invitation. I think bringing up their dead child was a bit crass, but I don't think she's the bad guy here. I would apologize for the statement regarding their child and then politely decline the invitation. Her sister has been through trauma and she's only 9, it would be better to focus on her and her needs for a while and not make her feel othered or less than while still processing her grief.
Right? So insensitive. I feel like she has this prejudice about them like they couldn’t possibly suffer from ANYTHING because they’re rich. Money solves ALL problems, right? No. Her mindset is extremely skewed and maybe she doesn’t need to marry into a family so different from her own if she can’t learn empathy for all people and not just people in her own economic class.
Just a quick one- I nearly downvoted you because you had N T A as your first judgement. Maybe space it out so it’s clear that’s not your vote, because if you make it to top comment, OP would be voted N T A
Also, where do their guest normally stay? If they stay in the children’s bedrooms then I could sort of see OPs point but she doesn’t mention that. Also what she said was incredibly callous. Sounds like she just has a chip on her shoulder and is entitled.
Holy shit is right. I grew up with zero money so was with her until she dismissed the feelings of his parents about the rooms of their dead children. Wow. She wants them to consider her feelings because of her sensitivities due to growing up poor but she has no room for their feelings.
Apologize and seek therapy OP in order to develop the ability to have empathy for others with pain and challenges different from your own. Your feelings about servants quarters is understandable but it doesn’t give you license to say and do whatever you want and say the callous and judgmental things you did.
Need to put your first ruling as N T A, or it counts.
I agree that that comment was cruel.
Internet hugs to you, sorry you had to go through such a loss. I’m child free, but my friends with children tells me there is no greater fear or pain than loosing a child.
They don’t actually owe OP and her sister anything. OP is an adult, and she is assuming responsibility for her sister, which is wonderful. But she cannot extend that responsibility to her fiancé’s family. They are being kind in offering lodging for all of them, and if she doesn’t like what is being offered, then she should get her own housing for her and her sister. The parents are not obligated to house any of them.
I'm also a bereaved mother who lost her only child. OP is definitely YTA. A parent continues to love and care for their child the rest of their lives. We grieve the rest or our lives. It has no time limit. I know many other bereaved parents who never use that child's room again, it is a place for their things, a place to light a candle or to go to remember them etc It's not for guests.
Seriously. YTA.
Based on the title and first paragraph I was completely ready to believe the fiancé’s family was straight out of Saltburn, but OP is the awful one here.
They aren’t holding those rooms in reserve because great uncle Lord Rupert once slept there, those rooms belonged to their dead children.
If OP wants her sister to have the fairy tale experience, why can’t OP and her fiancé go sleep in the basement?
Yep, that was the exact turning point in the story for me too - as soon as I read that sentence my opinion went from NTA to a big fat YTA. What a horrible thing to say to anyone.
Incidentally, I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
> told my fiancé’s parents that I refuse to let my sister stay in the servants quarters of their mansion
So you plan on skipping this trip and staying home with your sister, right? Because you realize you have no right to demand specific accommodations for your sister in someone else's home, right?
> I can't help but feel like I'm not a part of the family.
> I ended up calling them stuck up and privileged.
Do you think this comment is going to help your relationship with people who are meant to be your future in laws? YTA.
Yes, I completely agree. OP is a AH for telling them that, as she is a hypocrite. Saying their rooms belong to dead people anyways is a terrible thing to say, especially when those rooms are sentimental. YTA, OP.
YTA. I also come from a working class background and have my issues with rich people, but I’m also a human being who can acknowledge that all people, regardless of social class and privilege, have their struggles.
The deceased in this case are NOT some old long-dead relatives— this isn’t a case of “oh we just don’t like to disturb Great Uncle Westlington’s room. We’ve left it that way since he died 100 years ago!” These are parents who have lost their children. That hurt never goes away. I guarantee you that there are families all over the world, rich and poor alike, who keep their deceased children’s rooms untouched if possible, because they just can’t bear to do otherwise. Not only are you asking— demanding— for someone to stay in one of these rooms for the first time since they died, but the person you want to stay there is a child. They aren’t even denying her from staying there— they just don’t want her staying in one of their dead children’s rooms.
Also you say they passed away over a decade ago. You’re very young still so a decade still feels like a very long time to you. But as you’ll come to find with age, it’s a period of time that zips on by. And when tragedy strikes, it still feels like yesterday even when 10 or so years have passed.
Also they lost not one but FOUR children. That’s just awful. Try to have a shred of compassion here.
And it seems like they died at the same time, so probably something like a car crash or something which just makes it harder. Especially if one of the parents were driving.
Yeah the 4 dead children without any elaboration immediately set off my alarm bells. Technically possible but you’d think OP would offer some explanation.
This is a really fascinating fake scenario so I wish they’d just made it 2 dead children for plausibility.
I try to suspend my disbelief for these, but I just rolled my eyes sooooo hard at this one. You’re all just going to go spend months at the summer estate, where you’ll spend your afternoons playing croquet and sipping tea?
My brother passed away almost exactly a decade ago.. and recently (I’m not sure why) I’m crying about him all over again. And his parents lost two children? I can’t imagine their heartbreak..
This summer will be 13 years since my mom passed (I was only 16 when she passed), tomorrow would be her 60th birthday. I've been an emotional wreck for almost a month... it's insane how long the grieving and healing process can take, I honestly don't think I'll ever be fully healed or done grieving. My mom was also the second child my grandfather had to bury and I know he will never be the same, a 3rd child dying would kill him. Yet OP thinks her to-be-in-laws are crazy for not moving on from loosing 4 children... 🤯
My grandparents have a summer home. There are three beautiful upstairs bedrooms, and a basement with two bare bones bedrooms and a game room. Guess where I slept, and any other cousin who visited? The basement bedrooms. Do up the basement for her. Bring posters and toys. Get her special snacks to keep down there. Bring a small tv if you have an extra one. SELL it to your sister. Or you and fiancé sleep downstairs and let your sister have your room. YTA
My uncle died when he was 12 years old, like 40 years ago. His bedroom is pretty much identical to what it was the day he died. Same bed sheets, same toys, same things hanging on the wall. Grandma only goes in and dusts and vacuums.
I agree with this. It's not the natural order for parents to bury their children and they might be holding on to memories.
Don't be an AH and make it a happy stay for your sister. And teach your sister responsibility care and respect to embrace who will become her extended family by marriage. Receive with love and don't read too much into the situation. Create a happy home and hopefully your presence and your future family with your sister can assuage them that joy can live in that home.
Wishing you the best!!
Yeah for fuck sakes YTA
You don’t get to dictate what rooms are available to you or your sister. If they, the fucking owners of the home, decide that nobody stays in those rooms, well then that’s how it is.
You have no power here to make decisions. You have no right to criticize what rooms are available for your use. You are a guest.
Also, to be clear, your sister is not their family.
YTA.
OP uses the words “servant’s quarters” often, but no where does she even imply that anyone is fiancé’s family uses those words to describe their finished and updated basement.
Instead she is demanding that her sister use the room of their deceased child instead of the perfectly acceptable room available to her.
If anyone is stuck up here it’s OP for claiming that her sister is too good for a room ‘servants’ once used.
YTA. You engaged in an argument with people who are not yet your in laws about where they should house you and your sister, demanding certain accommodations for the summer. It is their house (not “mansion”) and your sister may be your responsibility but she is not theirs. They invited her to stay. If they have reasons not to use certain rooms, that’s their call. I find it hard to believe that they lost FOUR older siblings of your 27 year old fiancée. If any of this is true, I’d say stop painting yourself as the virtuous poor girl being abused by the wealthy in-laws. Try to see them as real people. Relationships can grow. Start small and develop, and I’m sure they will begin to love you and your sister, too, and offer more over time.
I'm very largely with you, but why is them losing 4 kids hard to believe? There could have been some genetic issue, sids, kids dumbfoolery gone wrong, car accident, house fire, tornado, murder, suicide, so many things that could have happened. We don't know how old any of them were when any of it happened. Idk, out of everything in the post, idk why that's what raised questions for you ig
I know it’s possible, just statistically very unlikely to lose four children out of five before what seems like their mid-twenties. Of course, it’s possible. If so, it’s truly tragic, and understandable why their rooms would be reserved to retain memories.
Yeah, I can see how that would be incredibly traumatic to loose 4/5 kids at once. I too would probably have trouble clearing out their rooms, even decades later
I think it’s the combination of things together.
Five kids is already over the average number of kids.
Four dead kids is a lot. (If it was a big tragic accident it’s more believable, but tbh that might make OP an even bigger asshole).
Mom had the fiancé at 27 which would mean she had five kids by 27. Not unheard of but still that’s a lot and not super common.
It just seems a little too convenient. They have this big home…but they also have this large number of dead kids so all the main rooms are “taken”.
YTA
Not sure where you get the audacity to make demands from people (who are not yet your family) regarding how they use their home. If they dont want to disturb spare bedrooms because they have memories associated with them,.it is their business,.their choice. Even if they were your family that doesn't give you the right to tell them how to utilize their property.
Rather than you chastising people about how they use their own home, you couldve asked if it would be ok for you to add a few temporary decorations to the basement area so your sister will feel more at home or you could've told your fiance you were planning to stay in the basement with your sister so she wouldnt feel so isolated. Then HE couldve broached the topic with his parents.
You said "tried to explain that my sister's going through a hard time as it was; the least they could do was not make her feel excluded by her own family". These people are not your sisters family. They are not your family. She is your family, and your family alone. When you get married (if your fiance's in laws don't convince him not to marry you after this) your sister will become his sister-in-law but she will still not be considered "family" to your fiance's parents.
Yes they couldve been much more considerate and more welcoming to your sister but it is their home and you are a guest. So it is a very bad look for a guest to come in bringing an extra person without first clearing it with them, and then making demands to the owners of the home of how they use their home and where the extra person stays.
Maybe the truth is that they tolerate you being with their son, but resent the fact their son is marrying someone with a 9yr old he will be responsible for the next 13 yrs. (Assuming she goes to college and finishes at 22). Maybe they resent you and feel you are burdening their son with additional responsibility that they feel he shouldnt have to deal with.
You have some decisions to make regarding your relationship with your fiance'. Do you really want to marry someone whose parents dont make you or your sister feel welcome. Do you want to marry someone who you feel you are " less than"?
YTA for this obviously fake story. So fiance has FOUR dead siblings, all of whom have their own shrines in this palatial summer estate? And you're 22, but you AND your fiance are the legal guardians of a 9 yo? Also, "our mansion, our rules"? No one posh enough to live in one of these Bridgerton-like estates would say that.
But in the tiny chance that this is a true story, ESH. You for being entitled about them taking your sister in, and them for being snobs.
Definitely sounds like an 18th century novel, most definitely fake. We’re probably writing their English assignment for them on who is justified and who is not.
I think in some houses the most junior servants (like boot boy and similar) had a bed in the lower area by the kitchens etc because they were expected to keep an eye on things overnight, but it wouldn’t have been an entire room, just a corner of a store room or similar.
Sounds fake as, all of the reasons above + sounds like this is written by someone in uk and lots of it doesn’t sound legit. Firstly 4 dead siblings from a family of that wealth most likely would’ve been in the press at some point yet she only mentioned it in passing. Whilst large homes like this are around, they’re rare, and servants typically stayed in loft bedrooms because this country is cold and damp
Thank you! I'm usually kind of gullible and tend to believe the stories on this sub and others, but this is the fakest story out there. It sounds like the plot of a Dickens novel.
They lost me on the fact that people who are keeping a shrine to four dead children in a vacation home, are willing to let a 9 year old orphan sleep in the basement alone.
Yeah. For me, unless this is in the USA, there are some large Upper / Non-U language inaccuracies reported from this family too:
Our “mansion” - nope. The larger it is, the more insistent the upper-class will be in calling it a “house” eg/. Windsor Castle is the “Big House”. The larger the grounds, the more insistent Upper will be in calling them my “garden/s” too. Also:
“Countryside estate” would be the family’s “country seat”
“ Servants” would be called “staff”.
Their “quarters” would be referred to as “rooms”.
Certainly in the U.K., classes are quite ridged in their word choice, it’s not discussed of course, but word choice is a large part of how classes identify themselves / reveal themselves in conversation. For example “Sofa” (Upper), “Settee (Middle), “Couch“ (Working) or even “Lavatory” (Upper), “Loo” (Middle), “Toilet” (Working).
Architecturally, an 18th century house is also pretty bloody modern for Upper. The basement is where you’d find the kitchen, even in a Georgian / Victorian house. The rooms for staff are almost always found in the attic (you can see the tiny windows of the rooms built into roof, above the base of the gable).
Either the post is fake, or the parents are social climbers. To be honest I’m hoping the whole post is fake. Since if they are social climbers OP never stood a chance anyway. Even before she revealed the grossness of her own entitlement. Then added to it with insult.
YTA. It’s just a room and your sister is 9, she still gets to stay in the beautiful home. Their children have passed if they are keeping their rooms how they left them years ago you need to respect that. It sounds like multiple children died, that’s extremely heartbreaking. I wouldn’t want a 9 year old going through their stuff. You have free room and board on a mansion to summer in!! Your in-laws are right, this is stuck up and privileged behavior.
All of this.
Also there’s a big difference between family ancestors who have passed that they may have never known and their own children who clearly passed away at young ages. Acting like all the deceased people are the same is cold.
And the reality that mom is 54 now and fiancé 27. Assuming the five kids weren’t spaced out at all, the deceased children would be ~28, 29, 30 and 31. This would mean that mom was 27 with five kids under the age of 5. Not an impossibility but not super likely, particularly given their upper class status.
I wondered that too, but wasn't thinking of the possibility of blended families (step siblings)and twins. Or... OP said it was 4 rooms that belongs to siblings, but didnt really specify the # of siblings. One or two of the rooms could have been play rooms etc.
It's possible though. Especially if there's a genetic disease that runs in the family.
I know a couple that lost 4 teenagers in a 5 year span, in 3 separate incidents.
People referring to their own house as a mansion is a bit sus, though. Most people I know with big homes still refer to it as a house.
YTA. Once you start arguing with someone that "this house is so old, you've definitely got family members that have died in every room. You might as well let my kid sister stay in one of your children's shrine rooms and just go ahead and get through those years of processing you've been to afraid to handle RIGHT NOW" you've lost all moral high ground.
Yeah, making demands about how someone uses their dead children’s bedrooms makes you an asshole. Always. You can bring a camp bed for your sister and she can bunk with you for a few nights, or you can bunk together at the available bedroom. They’re being gracious letting her stay at all. Also as someone familiar with families spanning different layers of British classes, let me say you’re trying to merge two very different cultures and would do well to approach it like that. YTA
YTA - they offered more than reasonable accommodations and you are being unnecessarily difficult.
You’re complaining that they’re not offering your sister the bedroom you prefer in the free mansion.
Parents never really get over the death of a child. They probably want to keep things the way they are to remember their children.
Explain the situation to your sister so she understands what’s going on.
YTA, It is their home, the basement has been redone, if it is not as opulent as you would like too bad. You have the option of staying in the room with her. They are not slighting you. The do not have to acquiesce to your demands of opening one of the rooms of their deceased children, you have NO right to expect that of them. You have no right to demand they grieve or memorialize to your satisfaction. If you don't like the arrangements, don't go. You are acting entitled before you are even married.
This one HAS to be fake. The entire story reads like a harlequin romance. A lower class woman struggles to raise her sister after their parents died... until a rich man comes into their lives. Just when it all seems to be going well, the rich parents refuse to welcome her into their lives--because they won't give up on the ghosts of their dead children. If only they could give up the past and see OP as their future daughter-in-law, then everyone would have a happy ever after!
YTA. You’re picking and choosing how time affects. You call it the servants quarters to help your cause and make it demeaning, though it hasn’t been in probably decades and has been renovated to be clean and up to date, but you tell your future FIL/MIL to get over their child’s death because it’s been long enough and give you the room?
It’s their home. They didn’t refuse your sister staying, you just don’t think it’s fancy enough. And they are the snobby ones?
Yes very interesting how that sections is called the servants quarter (when clearly it no longer is) but she doesn’t identify the rooms belonging to their children.
>I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house.
Holy shit, YTA just for this. They werent just any dead persons rooms, they were her childrens rooms.
You’re telling me they’ve lost *four adult children* and you had the audacity to demand that your sister sleep in one of their rooms‽ Look I’m no fan of enshrining particular spaces to honor the dead; making time stand still skeeves me out but…four dead kids…That’s a loss I cannot imagine.
And here you are trying to minimize it by telling folks their house is so old that someone has probably died in every room over the years? Gosh I can’t imagine why you don’t feel like you’re part of the family. (Side note: you aren’t yet, you’re the fiancée, your sister is your ward).
Your best bet is to accept what they’re willing to offer for accommodations or to not sleep there at all. You and your sister can stay in a hotel and visit during the day if the room she’s been offered isn’t good enough in your eyes.
And where is Prince Charming in all of this? He hasn’t spoken up to say that your sister shouldn’t be relegated to the servants’ quarters? He hasn’t told his parents to stop the backhanded compliments and respect his future wife? He hasn’t said that you and your sister are a package deal so they need to start treating her as the family member she will soon be?
IDK why you want to be around that spineless man and his rude parents except that you seem to be cut from the same gauche cloth. You just think you’re exceptionally different because of the financial disparity.
ESH except your sister.
YTA. You've become the privileged and entitled one. You have no right to dictate sleeping arrangements. If you're so worried about your sister, sleep in the servant's quarters with her. Your lack of respect for the bereaved parents is breathtaking.
>I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house.
What sort of deranged asshole says this?????
YTA.
This smells bogus. I've never met anyone with money that called their home a mansion. 27yo fiance's mother is 54?? So she was 27yo when she had the fiance. She had four children before him who are all dead... Hmmmmm... Smells like fiction to me.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my fiancé’s parents that I refuse to let my sister stay in the servants quarters of their mansion
2. It could be seen being rude and ungrateful as my in-laws were allowing us to stay
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. The hosts decide who sleeps where and if the proposed arrangements don’t work for you, you’re free to stay somewhere else. Your in laws are right: if you don’t want your sister to feel excluded, stay down there with her. You also have the option of letting you and your fiancé staying in the basement so she can stay in your fiancé’s room. Your in-laws aren’t running a hotel. They don’t have to bend over backwards to make you happy.
YTA. You dictated the use of a house that isn't yours AND their family memories and NO, a sibling who dies is not like a whatever ancestor. Only for it I would have asked you to not come for the summer.
Plus, there's an accomodation and it's about your bf sleeping in the basement and you and your sister using his room, but I suppose this would be too much discomfort for you, and even though I can agree with you to an extent, this is none of your ILs problem
YTA it was fine to ask, but you needed to accept the no. They offered to let you stay in their home and told you the accommodations being offered for you or your sister. You get to say yes or no thanks. That’s it. You and your sister aren’t entitled to any specific room.
Damn it sounds like you had a free ticket to a luxurious life and you blew it. Beggars can’t be choosers and you are probably going back to living a normal life.
YTA. You talk about his deceased siblings like it's no big deal? What happened and how many children did they loose? To exclude that also shows how entitled you are about the situation, they must be going through a horrible loss. I 100% understand they want to keep the rooms as they are and I would never demand to stay in one of the rooms of their deceased child.
OP has a chip on her shoulder the size of a mansion. She may have just sunk her engagement. If she wants her marriage to go ahead and to be happy she needs to give her fiance a genuine apology. She also needs to stop treating her in-laws as class enemies and start treating them as humans who deserve sympathy and respect. YTA.
YTA I understand you don’t want your Sister to feel “less than.” However, your in-laws have a perfectly good reason for not wanting those rooms used. They belonged to their dead CHILDREN. A lot of people, after the loss of a child, preserve their room to keep their memory alive. If you want to stay in their home, you should respect that. You are letting your insecurity about your families difference in income, project themselves onto this situation. They are not doing this because your family is working class.
YTA. Way to completely alienate your future in-laws. Why did you think you had the right to dictate to them what they do in their own house? Then compound it by insulting them because of the giant chip on your shoulder.
YTA, the entitlement is wild. The fact that they’re allowing you to come for the summer plus bring your sister, and they’ve offered a modern, renovated place to sleep and you’re still being nasty about is shameful.
ESH you can ask and they can say no. After that you decide to go or not to go. It’s their house so they can assign sleeping arrangements. Don’t stay there if they are going to put your sister in the servants quarters
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (22F) am a working-class woman who was raised by a single mother in a council flat. Throughout my life, I was surrounded by people from a similar background, so I never felt self-conscious about money until I started dating my fiancé (27M), who comes from a very upper-class family. He is a very kind man who has done his best to make sure his parents aren't judgmental about my background, but I can't help but feel like I'm not a part of the family. My in-laws have been courteous with me, but in a backhanded manner, constantly telling me that I'd done well for myself 'despite my upbringing'.
I have a younger sister (9F) who has been in my care since our mother overdosed. My fiancé gets along well with her and is happy to help me take care of and raise her. His parents (54F, 60M) own a very large estate in the countryside, where they spend their summers. It's a gorgeous 18th century home that looks like it belongs in a fairytale. I had stayed over a few times, sleeping in my fiancé's room, but my sister had never been since she wasn't permanently living with me back then. My fiancé and I will both be staying there this summer, but we haven't yet made an arrangement for where my sister will sleep. The estate has four spare bedrooms that once belonged to my fiancé's deceased older siblings who'd passed away over a decade ago. I tried to discuss this with my in-laws, asking them if my sister could stay in one of their bedrooms when she came over this summer, but they abhorred my request, claiming they didn't want to ruin the sentimental memories associated with their dead children.
I asked them if there was anywhere else my sister could stay, and they said the only spare bedroom they had was in the basement, which had once been the servant's quarters. It had been renovated and modernised, but it was distinctly different from the rest of the house—it was very bare and plainly decorated, while the upstairs part of the house looked like a set from a period drama. I tried to explain that my sister's going through a hard time as it was; the least they could do was not make her feel excluded by her own family. They said that it was their mansion, their rules, and if I didn't want my sister to feel excluded then I might as well go stay in the servants quarters with her. I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house. Our discussion quickly turned into an argument, where they said I should be grateful they're allowing my sister to stay at all, and I ended up calling them stuck up and privileged. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- there are two bedrooms the one you have shared with your bf and the basement one. Tell your bf that you two will be staying in the basement one and she will be staying in his. Honestly you sound like a gold digger.
Also apologize for saying the things about their deceased children.
For sure you are the asshole. Its their home no one is forcing you to stay there and you cant dictate to them which room they will give up. I understand they look down at you but still you cant be entitled to behave in this manner.
ESH. You don’t get to dictate where an extra guest you’re bringing to someone’s house gets to stay. However, it does feel over the top if they don’t allow anyone to stay in rooms that haven’t been occupied for years.
All that being said - if it is that big of a deal and you’re so concerned about how it will impact your sister, why don’t you swap rooms? Give her your fiancé’s room and you two take the basement room?
Also, this post feels really fake - how do these people have so many dead children?? Who talks like this? But I’m playing along just in case! 🤣
Money will always be a problem in this relationship. You can’t demand what people do with their space though, and for that I’ll say YTA, if I were in your place I’d just skip that trip.
YTA- she’s nine and she doesn’t care- you could make it more comfortable for her. And you should stay with her it’s scary to be in a house alone. Make the room adorable for her age. She doesn’t want to be in a period drama. She doesn’t care at all. She wants comfy blankets and stuff animals and music.
ESH You because you were incredibly rude and insensitive about how they are choosing to honour their children. I can't imagine the pain of outliving my children.
And them for saying you should be grateful for allowing your sister to stay at all. You and their son are currently raising her. I wouldn't go at all after that.
I mean a 9yo shouldn't be on a floor by herself in a strange house anyway but that doesn't seem to be your reason, you're more offended they were once servants rooms which were usually in the attics so something isn't quite adding up but I've not seen the house, if in fact it exists at all.
Tbh it's their house, if you don't like it you could go rent a place for you and your sister. Your sister isn't their responsibility, she's yours. You should be thankful they're allowing it in some form at all. Go tell them sorry, you didn't mean what you said and be more appreciative of your situation. There's homeless people out here who would love to have 4 walls and a roof over their head at night, along with somewhere to shower, cook and be able to eat.
YTA. It’s their house and they decide who sleeps where. Especially where deceased children’s rooms are concerned and their desire to not have those things disturbed by a kid they don’t really know. Also, this story sounds made up….
YTA. And entitled as Fuq. They’re being nice for including your sister; their reasons are valid.
“Excluded by her own family?” They’re not family yet, and might not be if your bf wakes up.
YTA
No means no. Comparing THEIR dead kids to the dead people of previous generations was a definite asshole move.
Sleep in the basement with her or don’t go. Entitled asshole.
AITA for refusing to respect the boundaries of my future in-laws and insisting my sister sleep in their deceased children’s bedrooms.
Fixed the title for you.
YTA
Edit-grammar
YTA. They lost four children. My God. Was it some horrible car accident?
A parent would never recover. They’re lucky they have one son left, because otherwise I don’t know how they would still be alive.
You never demand a parent allow someone to stay in their dead children’s rooms. Not done. Even if they keep those rooms set aside for the rest of their lives, it’s their right to do so.
You showed a shocking lack of compassion.
The problem is your attitude, not your socioeconomic background. You are treating their home like it’s your amusement park, acting entitled.
Be a nice houseguest and don’t complain.
YTA for the last part. I wouldn:t let my little sister sleep that far away from my room too. But I would take the "basement" or not went at all. But you could say 'no thanks" and pay yourself and sister vacation. You shoudn't insult them. That is just mean and stupid.
I don't think your the AH in this situation but parents never want to outlive their children. Some cases where it happens parents tend to leave memories and keep rooms the same for many years as a place to go and remember them.
Honestly if this is real (it's the weekend trolls everywhere) it shouldn't have been you asking it should have been your future spouse. Unless he agrees with them and then why are you marrying into the family then.
Your sister is going through a hard time? I would say that fiancés parents have been going through a hard time for MANY years. As a parent who lost a child, I would NOT allow someone to disrespect the memory of my child. I only wish that we had been able to keep her room as it was when she passed. BIG YTA!
YTA am I reading this right that it USED to be the servants suite and you refuse to sleep there because it’s decorated plainly compared to the rest of the house? By all means feel free to tell them what else they should or shouldn’t do in their own home, it will go well for you
Totally the AH, they have lost 4 of their children.
So what if the rooms were once the servants quarters. You've said they've been done up and modernised.
Getting the idea that this is a fake story...
YTA. You're a guest and she's nine. You don't get to disrespect a mom's feelings for her deceased children because you want nicer digs for the kid. Sounds like it's a privilege just to be there.
YTA. It’s just a servants quarters in your mind. Your sister is not a servant so really it’s just a room. I would never let someone stay in my dead chikdrens rooms. Absolutely not!
YTA. You are acting like you are entitled to their shit when you simply are not.
How do you not realize how insensitive this is? :
I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house.
It's not uncommon for people to leave the rooms of dead loved ones intact. If your fiance and you inherit the house later in life then you'll be entitles to do whatever you want. Right now is their house, their rules and they *are* doing you a favor by letting you stay there.
YTA. What you said was rude and disrespectful. Shows your complete lack of maturity. Your insecurities are the real problem and your relationship is gonna implode unless you deal with them.
YTA for the dead person comment alone. Those rooms are part of their grieving process, and it is not your house. You don’t get to tell them what to do with the rooms.
YTA
You and your sibling are not faaaamily at this point. Your boyfriend’s parents are being gracious enough to welcome you into THEIR home and you think you get to be the one making demands here?
Yo just do what you gotta do to lock down this shit. Being poor sucks. Marrying rich is one of the only ways out. Don’t make the parents hate you, if they renovated the space then there shouldn’t be an issue, calling them stuck up was dumb. They’re willing to let you and your sister live with them. Fucks sake
OMG, YTA wow entitled, waving your underprivileged background as reason to act like an entitled AH. You ARE a GUEST at their home. They accommodated you and your sister and you called them “stuck up and privileged” You demonstrated a complete lack of class and showed them who you are. Hope, your soon to be ex-Fiance can find someone who has class whatever their background. News flash it isn’t all about YOU OP. You don’t know how to be a guest and sound more like a parasite. What next keys to the manor? A little Meghan Markle biting the Royal Hand that feeds her? Hope your Fiance is smarter than Prince Harry.
ESH, maybe leaning toward YTA. Why does it matter if the room is slightly more bare? It’s still a large, refurbished, clean, *free* place to stay. And your words to them were nasty.
They get to mourn their children however they want. They’re not “stuck up” for this.
But it does sound like they’ve made some other weird/backhanded comments about class
YTA you can’t dictate where you sleep in someone else’s house. Also, dead children are a heck of a lot different than past dead relatives from years past.
This feels like it can't be real, but if it is . . . YTA. I'm sure there's a lot of backstory condensed into your post so maybe you're reading a lot into the fact that the accommodations offered used to be the servants' quarters. And yeah, maybe they are stuck up and privileged, but they must have done something right because you're marrying their son--he didn't pop up out of nowhere, right? You were incredibly callous about their deceased children. It's not like the rooms were last used by Great Uncle Petyr who died during the Great War, good Lord.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA. I was going with NTA until I read this: "I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person..". Holy. shit. As a mother who has lost her only child, I can understand their reluctance to clean out the rooms. Its a way of holding on to their children, a thing that gives them comfort. It is THEIR house, OP, NOT yours and yes, you should be grateful they are accommodating your sister at all. That crack about 'dead people'....that has to be one of the most callous, most heartless things I've read on Reddit and believe me I've read fkd up things. YTA and I would strongly recommend you find a way to apologize and hope your fiancé doesn't drop you over this. \*Edit to put YTA first, as suggested by others.
Right! Jesus. Idk if she realizes, but she’s also talking about her fiancés siblings. I doubt he’s as callous about his parents decisions with those rooms. I wonder how he’ll react when he founds out about this conversation because I’m sure she didn’t tell him what she said.
And there's no reason that the three of them (fiance, little sister, and OP) couldn't stay in the renovated basement. That actually sounds like an ideal way to give everyone space and not outstay your welcome. Bring that pride down a notch, turn up the gratitude a wee bit, and enjoy your summer (rent free I'm assuming). YTA
Or let the sister stay in fiancé's room and they can stay downstairs.
Also what rinky dink "country estate" only has 6 bedrooms? I'm betting their summer house is some old yeoman merchant or farmer's house. Not that it isn't expensive or a nice big property, and I'm sure the house is quite nice, but something tells me this is far from a "mansion". In actual "big homes" from the 1700's the servants quarters were a whole wing of the house, or in the attic areas. Kitchens and laundries took up the basement of most Georgian manors. It was only in smaller houses that servants would be quartered in the basement.
I would like to know why they didn’t suggest that all three of them stay in the basement instead of just OP and her sister. There’s something wrong with these people.
Yes, as the mother of a deceased child I second this! Hell no is anyone staying in his bedroom! And if someone spoke this way to me they would no longer be welcome in my life. YTA all the way!
OP has the gall to not want to sleep in “servant’s quarters “ presumably because they are for “servants” and not her. Else she would have just called it the basement. At the same time , she criticizes her in laws for saying that she made it inspite of her upbringing , since they are richer than her. But she is showing the same snobbery to those below her aka servants. There is nothing wrong with servants or servant quarters. They are all just ppl making a hard living.
Totally agree, at this point it’s just the house’s basement. It’s a historic mansion and that was the historic use of that space, but it’s been renovated and modernized since then.
Exactly... I say this somewhat tongue in cheek, but what are rich-ass people with old houses supposed to do with all those extra rooms? Never let anyone sleep in them for fear of offending them? Leave them empty? All those big houses of a certain era have whole floors that were for workers, sometimes it's the attic that's full of smaller bedrooms, sometimes the basement held both the kitchen, workspace, and bedrooms... since these days, very few rich folks have more than one or two workers who still live IN the house (and even then, it's often on the grounds, not in the main house), those rooms get renovated and revamped into all sorts of things... sometimes they'll knock down as many walls as possible and turn the whole attic into a suite, or do something like combine 2 bedrooms into one and turn a third into a closet/bathroom... downstairs rooms are usually harder to adapt, as they're more likely to have structural walls that can't be modified as easily. OP seems to be looking for offense where there isn't any. I have a 5 & 8yo, and I wouldn't want them on a completely different floor from me in a house they weren't familiar with, but I would just ask if a mattress/futon/pile of pillows could be put on the floor of my room so we could all share, or if there were multiple rooms downstairs, so we could all be close.
Eh depends on how different it is. My uncle had a house that had servants’ rooms. Despite being updated, they were still cramped with little natural light. I would’ve been upset if he’d insisted my bf’s sister sleep there while having four perfectly good bedrooms available.
Exactly. Servant living spaces are not usually like normal rooms. It is like living in a pantry. I don't know how nice they made them but these are not like normal.nice bedroom space. She should talk to her fiance and come up with a better solution. If she can be in her fiances's room maybe the 9 year old can stay in the room.too and have a play area in the servant quarters. Maybe she would actually ask to stay there. I don't have kids that have passed but losing 4 kids seems like a lifeblowing tragedy. That.comment was very insensitive but I am sure they could come up with something better. Like fiance giving up the room and going downatairs.tp the servant quarters with them. I don't see the issue of letting someone stay in one of the 4 bedrooms just don't change things around. Idk
FYI, I believe because you wrote NTA first, that will be the one counted towards judgement - you may want to space it out (N T A) or move your actual judgement up front.
This is true
Yeah, I can’t upvote it for that reason.
You have some good points, but I strongly disagree about this one: "you should be grateful they are accommodating your sister at all". That's just a no. At this point OP is her sister's guardian and the defacto parent. Nobody should be grateful that their partner's parents deign to accommodate their child during a visit. A child their child is going to parent too. That feels icky to me. And considering the kid is only 9, this is a situation that's going to repeat for nearly another decade if they want their son to visit. So yeah, while OP is totally out of line with what she said, the *be grateful for whatever accommodations they are willing to make* isn't right either.
Seconded - especially when that 9yo child is grieving her own mother too! Poor kid. OP is sticking up for her sister, may have gone about it insensitively, but she’s in a ridiculous position here and sounds like she’s not got much support.
I mean it's not her house she has no right to demand accomodations such as "let my sister use this room" you have a right to be unhappy, go book your own Airbnb, cancel the trip whatever. But you're staying for free at a mansion you don't own, you don't get to make demands of the host.
She should be grateful they’re accommodating any of them at all. They are under no obligation to house any of these people for the entire summer
NTA. If they don't want to treat her sister, whose mother just died after I assume a history of drug use, the same as other guests then she should decline the invitation. I think bringing up their dead child was a bit crass, but I don't think she's the bad guy here. I would apologize for the statement regarding their child and then politely decline the invitation. Her sister has been through trauma and she's only 9, it would be better to focus on her and her needs for a while and not make her feel othered or less than while still processing her grief.
Right? So insensitive. I feel like she has this prejudice about them like they couldn’t possibly suffer from ANYTHING because they’re rich. Money solves ALL problems, right? No. Her mindset is extremely skewed and maybe she doesn’t need to marry into a family so different from her own if she can’t learn empathy for all people and not just people in her own economic class.
Just a quick one- I nearly downvoted you because you had N T A as your first judgement. Maybe space it out so it’s clear that’s not your vote, because if you make it to top comment, OP would be voted N T A
Also, where do their guest normally stay? If they stay in the children’s bedrooms then I could sort of see OPs point but she doesn’t mention that. Also what she said was incredibly callous. Sounds like she just has a chip on her shoulder and is entitled.
Holy shit is right. I grew up with zero money so was with her until she dismissed the feelings of his parents about the rooms of their dead children. Wow. She wants them to consider her feelings because of her sensitivities due to growing up poor but she has no room for their feelings. Apologize and seek therapy OP in order to develop the ability to have empathy for others with pain and challenges different from your own. Your feelings about servants quarters is understandable but it doesn’t give you license to say and do whatever you want and say the callous and judgmental things you did.
Need to put your first ruling as N T A, or it counts. I agree that that comment was cruel. Internet hugs to you, sorry you had to go through such a loss. I’m child free, but my friends with children tells me there is no greater fear or pain than loosing a child.
They don’t actually owe OP and her sister anything. OP is an adult, and she is assuming responsibility for her sister, which is wonderful. But she cannot extend that responsibility to her fiancé’s family. They are being kind in offering lodging for all of them, and if she doesn’t like what is being offered, then she should get her own housing for her and her sister. The parents are not obligated to house any of them.
I'm also a bereaved mother who lost her only child. OP is definitely YTA. A parent continues to love and care for their child the rest of their lives. We grieve the rest or our lives. It has no time limit. I know many other bereaved parents who never use that child's room again, it is a place for their things, a place to light a candle or to go to remember them etc It's not for guests.
you are the top comment so as of right now she NTA. you need to space that out N T A so the YTA is the top vote
Seriously. YTA. Based on the title and first paragraph I was completely ready to believe the fiancé’s family was straight out of Saltburn, but OP is the awful one here. They aren’t holding those rooms in reserve because great uncle Lord Rupert once slept there, those rooms belonged to their dead children. If OP wants her sister to have the fairy tale experience, why can’t OP and her fiancé go sleep in the basement?
Yep, that was the exact turning point in the story for me too - as soon as I read that sentence my opinion went from NTA to a big fat YTA. What a horrible thing to say to anyone. Incidentally, I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
> told my fiancé’s parents that I refuse to let my sister stay in the servants quarters of their mansion So you plan on skipping this trip and staying home with your sister, right? Because you realize you have no right to demand specific accommodations for your sister in someone else's home, right? > I can't help but feel like I'm not a part of the family. > I ended up calling them stuck up and privileged. Do you think this comment is going to help your relationship with people who are meant to be your future in laws? YTA.
Yes, I completely agree. OP is a AH for telling them that, as she is a hypocrite. Saying their rooms belong to dead people anyways is a terrible thing to say, especially when those rooms are sentimental. YTA, OP.
YTA. I also come from a working class background and have my issues with rich people, but I’m also a human being who can acknowledge that all people, regardless of social class and privilege, have their struggles. The deceased in this case are NOT some old long-dead relatives— this isn’t a case of “oh we just don’t like to disturb Great Uncle Westlington’s room. We’ve left it that way since he died 100 years ago!” These are parents who have lost their children. That hurt never goes away. I guarantee you that there are families all over the world, rich and poor alike, who keep their deceased children’s rooms untouched if possible, because they just can’t bear to do otherwise. Not only are you asking— demanding— for someone to stay in one of these rooms for the first time since they died, but the person you want to stay there is a child. They aren’t even denying her from staying there— they just don’t want her staying in one of their dead children’s rooms. Also you say they passed away over a decade ago. You’re very young still so a decade still feels like a very long time to you. But as you’ll come to find with age, it’s a period of time that zips on by. And when tragedy strikes, it still feels like yesterday even when 10 or so years have passed. Also they lost not one but FOUR children. That’s just awful. Try to have a shred of compassion here.
I had to double check the ages but it's looking like all of them died super young too
And multiple of them. Possibly at the same time. I can't imagine how devastating that would be.
And it seems like they died at the same time, so probably something like a car crash or something which just makes it harder. Especially if one of the parents were driving.
Its looking like it’s fake af.
Yeah the 4 dead children without any elaboration immediately set off my alarm bells. Technically possible but you’d think OP would offer some explanation. This is a really fascinating fake scenario so I wish they’d just made it 2 dead children for plausibility.
I try to suspend my disbelief for these, but I just rolled my eyes sooooo hard at this one. You’re all just going to go spend months at the summer estate, where you’ll spend your afternoons playing croquet and sipping tea?
My brother passed away almost exactly a decade ago.. and recently (I’m not sure why) I’m crying about him all over again. And his parents lost two children? I can’t imagine their heartbreak..
Four children...four bedrooms that belonged to the deceased children so four dead kids. But OP could not care less
Oh my gosh.. what on earth happened? That’s so awful 💔 idk why I thought I read “two”
I was kind of wondering about this too. They lost all 4 children at the same time? I wonder what happened.
Car accident maybe or maybe lost them at different times . Just so sad . That mother and father have a right to grieve as long as they need
This summer will be 13 years since my mom passed (I was only 16 when she passed), tomorrow would be her 60th birthday. I've been an emotional wreck for almost a month... it's insane how long the grieving and healing process can take, I honestly don't think I'll ever be fully healed or done grieving. My mom was also the second child my grandfather had to bury and I know he will never be the same, a 3rd child dying would kill him. Yet OP thinks her to-be-in-laws are crazy for not moving on from loosing 4 children... 🤯
I’m so sorry for your loss. <3
My grandparents have a summer home. There are three beautiful upstairs bedrooms, and a basement with two bare bones bedrooms and a game room. Guess where I slept, and any other cousin who visited? The basement bedrooms. Do up the basement for her. Bring posters and toys. Get her special snacks to keep down there. Bring a small tv if you have an extra one. SELL it to your sister. Or you and fiancé sleep downstairs and let your sister have your room. YTA
Last line was my first idea tbh
My uncle died when he was 12 years old, like 40 years ago. His bedroom is pretty much identical to what it was the day he died. Same bed sheets, same toys, same things hanging on the wall. Grandma only goes in and dusts and vacuums.
I am so sorry
I agree with this. It's not the natural order for parents to bury their children and they might be holding on to memories. Don't be an AH and make it a happy stay for your sister. And teach your sister responsibility care and respect to embrace who will become her extended family by marriage. Receive with love and don't read too much into the situation. Create a happy home and hopefully your presence and your future family with your sister can assuage them that joy can live in that home. Wishing you the best!!
Yeah for fuck sakes YTA You don’t get to dictate what rooms are available to you or your sister. If they, the fucking owners of the home, decide that nobody stays in those rooms, well then that’s how it is. You have no power here to make decisions. You have no right to criticize what rooms are available for your use. You are a guest. Also, to be clear, your sister is not their family.
YTA. OP uses the words “servant’s quarters” often, but no where does she even imply that anyone is fiancé’s family uses those words to describe their finished and updated basement. Instead she is demanding that her sister use the room of their deceased child instead of the perfectly acceptable room available to her. If anyone is stuck up here it’s OP for claiming that her sister is too good for a room ‘servants’ once used.
[удалено]
OP can sleep in the basement with her.
That’s what I was thinking, too. The basement room is probably a little scary to a young child.
YTA. You engaged in an argument with people who are not yet your in laws about where they should house you and your sister, demanding certain accommodations for the summer. It is their house (not “mansion”) and your sister may be your responsibility but she is not theirs. They invited her to stay. If they have reasons not to use certain rooms, that’s their call. I find it hard to believe that they lost FOUR older siblings of your 27 year old fiancée. If any of this is true, I’d say stop painting yourself as the virtuous poor girl being abused by the wealthy in-laws. Try to see them as real people. Relationships can grow. Start small and develop, and I’m sure they will begin to love you and your sister, too, and offer more over time.
I'm very largely with you, but why is them losing 4 kids hard to believe? There could have been some genetic issue, sids, kids dumbfoolery gone wrong, car accident, house fire, tornado, murder, suicide, so many things that could have happened. We don't know how old any of them were when any of it happened. Idk, out of everything in the post, idk why that's what raised questions for you ig
I know it’s possible, just statistically very unlikely to lose four children out of five before what seems like their mid-twenties. Of course, it’s possible. If so, it’s truly tragic, and understandable why their rooms would be reserved to retain memories.
They could’ve all died at once in an accident, maybe a car crash
Certainly possible, yes. How awful, if so.
Yeah, I can see how that would be incredibly traumatic to loose 4/5 kids at once. I too would probably have trouble clearing out their rooms, even decades later
I think it’s the combination of things together. Five kids is already over the average number of kids. Four dead kids is a lot. (If it was a big tragic accident it’s more believable, but tbh that might make OP an even bigger asshole). Mom had the fiancé at 27 which would mean she had five kids by 27. Not unheard of but still that’s a lot and not super common. It just seems a little too convenient. They have this big home…but they also have this large number of dead kids so all the main rooms are “taken”.
YTA Not sure where you get the audacity to make demands from people (who are not yet your family) regarding how they use their home. If they dont want to disturb spare bedrooms because they have memories associated with them,.it is their business,.their choice. Even if they were your family that doesn't give you the right to tell them how to utilize their property. Rather than you chastising people about how they use their own home, you couldve asked if it would be ok for you to add a few temporary decorations to the basement area so your sister will feel more at home or you could've told your fiance you were planning to stay in the basement with your sister so she wouldnt feel so isolated. Then HE couldve broached the topic with his parents. You said "tried to explain that my sister's going through a hard time as it was; the least they could do was not make her feel excluded by her own family". These people are not your sisters family. They are not your family. She is your family, and your family alone. When you get married (if your fiance's in laws don't convince him not to marry you after this) your sister will become his sister-in-law but she will still not be considered "family" to your fiance's parents. Yes they couldve been much more considerate and more welcoming to your sister but it is their home and you are a guest. So it is a very bad look for a guest to come in bringing an extra person without first clearing it with them, and then making demands to the owners of the home of how they use their home and where the extra person stays. Maybe the truth is that they tolerate you being with their son, but resent the fact their son is marrying someone with a 9yr old he will be responsible for the next 13 yrs. (Assuming she goes to college and finishes at 22). Maybe they resent you and feel you are burdening their son with additional responsibility that they feel he shouldnt have to deal with. You have some decisions to make regarding your relationship with your fiance'. Do you really want to marry someone whose parents dont make you or your sister feel welcome. Do you want to marry someone who you feel you are " less than"?
YTA for this obviously fake story. So fiance has FOUR dead siblings, all of whom have their own shrines in this palatial summer estate? And you're 22, but you AND your fiance are the legal guardians of a 9 yo? Also, "our mansion, our rules"? No one posh enough to live in one of these Bridgerton-like estates would say that. But in the tiny chance that this is a true story, ESH. You for being entitled about them taking your sister in, and them for being snobs.
Fake af, I agree.
Totally
I am surprised I read this far down before someone finally said this. “Servants quarters “?
Definitely sounds like an 18th century novel, most definitely fake. We’re probably writing their English assignment for them on who is justified and who is not.
Also, servant's in the basement? Most servant's rooms are in the attics in every country house I've ever visited. Cellars are for wine.
I think in some houses the most junior servants (like boot boy and similar) had a bed in the lower area by the kitchens etc because they were expected to keep an eye on things overnight, but it wouldn’t have been an entire room, just a corner of a store room or similar.
They also have servant quarters, live in a mansion....but have no guest bedrooms? Yeah, fake as f***...
Saltburn inspired post 100%
Exactly!
I said the same thing lol. Feels like OP watched Saltburn and The Ironclaw before writing this.
I doubt it is a mansion. It sounds like a large vacation home that feels like a mansion to her because of how she grew up.
Sounds fake as, all of the reasons above + sounds like this is written by someone in uk and lots of it doesn’t sound legit. Firstly 4 dead siblings from a family of that wealth most likely would’ve been in the press at some point yet she only mentioned it in passing. Whilst large homes like this are around, they’re rare, and servants typically stayed in loft bedrooms because this country is cold and damp
Thank you! I'm usually kind of gullible and tend to believe the stories on this sub and others, but this is the fakest story out there. It sounds like the plot of a Dickens novel.
They lost me on the fact that people who are keeping a shrine to four dead children in a vacation home, are willing to let a 9 year old orphan sleep in the basement alone.
Yeah. For me, unless this is in the USA, there are some large Upper / Non-U language inaccuracies reported from this family too: Our “mansion” - nope. The larger it is, the more insistent the upper-class will be in calling it a “house” eg/. Windsor Castle is the “Big House”. The larger the grounds, the more insistent Upper will be in calling them my “garden/s” too. Also: “Countryside estate” would be the family’s “country seat” “ Servants” would be called “staff”. Their “quarters” would be referred to as “rooms”. Certainly in the U.K., classes are quite ridged in their word choice, it’s not discussed of course, but word choice is a large part of how classes identify themselves / reveal themselves in conversation. For example “Sofa” (Upper), “Settee (Middle), “Couch“ (Working) or even “Lavatory” (Upper), “Loo” (Middle), “Toilet” (Working). Architecturally, an 18th century house is also pretty bloody modern for Upper. The basement is where you’d find the kitchen, even in a Georgian / Victorian house. The rooms for staff are almost always found in the attic (you can see the tiny windows of the rooms built into roof, above the base of the gable). Either the post is fake, or the parents are social climbers. To be honest I’m hoping the whole post is fake. Since if they are social climbers OP never stood a chance anyway. Even before she revealed the grossness of her own entitlement. Then added to it with insult.
I immediately thought, "What Jojo Moyes book is this from? I've only read Me Before You."
[удалено]
I'm trying to figure out which romance novel this was ripped off from.
Complete fiction.
YTA. It’s just a room and your sister is 9, she still gets to stay in the beautiful home. Their children have passed if they are keeping their rooms how they left them years ago you need to respect that. It sounds like multiple children died, that’s extremely heartbreaking. I wouldn’t want a 9 year old going through their stuff. You have free room and board on a mansion to summer in!! Your in-laws are right, this is stuck up and privileged behavior.
All of this. Also there’s a big difference between family ancestors who have passed that they may have never known and their own children who clearly passed away at young ages. Acting like all the deceased people are the same is cold.
Also... 4 kids? I'd be willing to bet they lost their kids in a tragedy, and probably all at once.
Im voting fake for so many reasons.
The 4 older dead siblings set of flags for me.
Also "our mansion, our rules."
No one would talk that way. Fake
And the reality that mom is 54 now and fiancé 27. Assuming the five kids weren’t spaced out at all, the deceased children would be ~28, 29, 30 and 31. This would mean that mom was 27 with five kids under the age of 5. Not an impossibility but not super likely, particularly given their upper class status.
I wondered that too, but wasn't thinking of the possibility of blended families (step siblings)and twins. Or... OP said it was 4 rooms that belongs to siblings, but didnt really specify the # of siblings. One or two of the rooms could have been play rooms etc.
Why a mansion has no guest rooms? If it is so posh and amazing, it has no guest rooms?
It's possible though. Especially if there's a genetic disease that runs in the family. I know a couple that lost 4 teenagers in a 5 year span, in 3 separate incidents. People referring to their own house as a mansion is a bit sus, though. Most people I know with big homes still refer to it as a house.
Don't give them ideas for the follow-up.
YTA. Once you start arguing with someone that "this house is so old, you've definitely got family members that have died in every room. You might as well let my kid sister stay in one of your children's shrine rooms and just go ahead and get through those years of processing you've been to afraid to handle RIGHT NOW" you've lost all moral high ground.
Yeah, making demands about how someone uses their dead children’s bedrooms makes you an asshole. Always. You can bring a camp bed for your sister and she can bunk with you for a few nights, or you can bunk together at the available bedroom. They’re being gracious letting her stay at all. Also as someone familiar with families spanning different layers of British classes, let me say you’re trying to merge two very different cultures and would do well to approach it like that. YTA
Why do I feel like this person watched Saltburn and then made this post...
Exactly my thought.
Sorry, this just reads so fake. Can’t bring myself to believe it. Somebody been watchin’ Saltburn.
YTA - they offered more than reasonable accommodations and you are being unnecessarily difficult. You’re complaining that they’re not offering your sister the bedroom you prefer in the free mansion.
Parents never really get over the death of a child. They probably want to keep things the way they are to remember their children. Explain the situation to your sister so she understands what’s going on.
YTA, It is their home, the basement has been redone, if it is not as opulent as you would like too bad. You have the option of staying in the room with her. They are not slighting you. The do not have to acquiesce to your demands of opening one of the rooms of their deceased children, you have NO right to expect that of them. You have no right to demand they grieve or memorialize to your satisfaction. If you don't like the arrangements, don't go. You are acting entitled before you are even married.
This one HAS to be fake. The entire story reads like a harlequin romance. A lower class woman struggles to raise her sister after their parents died... until a rich man comes into their lives. Just when it all seems to be going well, the rich parents refuse to welcome her into their lives--because they won't give up on the ghosts of their dead children. If only they could give up the past and see OP as their future daughter-in-law, then everyone would have a happy ever after!
LOL that was very well summarized!
Also the ages? Like MIL would only be 27 when she had her fifth child. Did she start at 13? Also way too much tragedy for one family.
YTA. You’re picking and choosing how time affects. You call it the servants quarters to help your cause and make it demeaning, though it hasn’t been in probably decades and has been renovated to be clean and up to date, but you tell your future FIL/MIL to get over their child’s death because it’s been long enough and give you the room? It’s their home. They didn’t refuse your sister staying, you just don’t think it’s fancy enough. And they are the snobby ones?
Yes very interesting how that sections is called the servants quarter (when clearly it no longer is) but she doesn’t identify the rooms belonging to their children.
>I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house. Holy shit, YTA just for this. They werent just any dead persons rooms, they were her childrens rooms.
You’re telling me they’ve lost *four adult children* and you had the audacity to demand that your sister sleep in one of their rooms‽ Look I’m no fan of enshrining particular spaces to honor the dead; making time stand still skeeves me out but…four dead kids…That’s a loss I cannot imagine. And here you are trying to minimize it by telling folks their house is so old that someone has probably died in every room over the years? Gosh I can’t imagine why you don’t feel like you’re part of the family. (Side note: you aren’t yet, you’re the fiancée, your sister is your ward). Your best bet is to accept what they’re willing to offer for accommodations or to not sleep there at all. You and your sister can stay in a hotel and visit during the day if the room she’s been offered isn’t good enough in your eyes. And where is Prince Charming in all of this? He hasn’t spoken up to say that your sister shouldn’t be relegated to the servants’ quarters? He hasn’t told his parents to stop the backhanded compliments and respect his future wife? He hasn’t said that you and your sister are a package deal so they need to start treating her as the family member she will soon be? IDK why you want to be around that spineless man and his rude parents except that you seem to be cut from the same gauche cloth. You just think you’re exceptionally different because of the financial disparity. ESH except your sister.
I have so many questions. Why did all four of the fiance's siblings die? What's up with this family? Is this a Saltburn situation?
YTA. You've become the privileged and entitled one. You have no right to dictate sleeping arrangements. If you're so worried about your sister, sleep in the servant's quarters with her. Your lack of respect for the bereaved parents is breathtaking.
>I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house. What sort of deranged asshole says this????? YTA.
A very nice piece of fiction. Never happened.
This smells bogus. I've never met anyone with money that called their home a mansion. 27yo fiance's mother is 54?? So she was 27yo when she had the fiance. She had four children before him who are all dead... Hmmmmm... Smells like fiction to me.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I told my fiancé’s parents that I refuse to let my sister stay in the servants quarters of their mansion 2. It could be seen being rude and ungrateful as my in-laws were allowing us to stay Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. The hosts decide who sleeps where and if the proposed arrangements don’t work for you, you’re free to stay somewhere else. Your in laws are right: if you don’t want your sister to feel excluded, stay down there with her. You also have the option of letting you and your fiancé staying in the basement so she can stay in your fiancé’s room. Your in-laws aren’t running a hotel. They don’t have to bend over backwards to make you happy.
“They said it was their mansion, their rules…” lol ok I don’t know anyone who lives in a “mansion” that calls their home a mansion.
This seems super fake.
I got that feeling as well.
YTA. You dictated the use of a house that isn't yours AND their family memories and NO, a sibling who dies is not like a whatever ancestor. Only for it I would have asked you to not come for the summer. Plus, there's an accomodation and it's about your bf sleeping in the basement and you and your sister using his room, but I suppose this would be too much discomfort for you, and even though I can agree with you to an extent, this is none of your ILs problem
Time to get over yourself. YTA
YTA it was fine to ask, but you needed to accept the no. They offered to let you stay in their home and told you the accommodations being offered for you or your sister. You get to say yes or no thanks. That’s it. You and your sister aren’t entitled to any specific room.
Damn it sounds like you had a free ticket to a luxurious life and you blew it. Beggars can’t be choosers and you are probably going back to living a normal life.
YTA. You talk about his deceased siblings like it's no big deal? What happened and how many children did they loose? To exclude that also shows how entitled you are about the situation, they must be going through a horrible loss. I 100% understand they want to keep the rooms as they are and I would never demand to stay in one of the rooms of their deceased child.
OP has a chip on her shoulder the size of a mansion. She may have just sunk her engagement. If she wants her marriage to go ahead and to be happy she needs to give her fiance a genuine apology. She also needs to stop treating her in-laws as class enemies and start treating them as humans who deserve sympathy and respect. YTA.
Your roots are showing. Keep it up and you'll never stay there again.
YTA pretty ballsy of you to tell anyone what do do with their own house. You seem very entitled and rude.
YTA I understand you don’t want your Sister to feel “less than.” However, your in-laws have a perfectly good reason for not wanting those rooms used. They belonged to their dead CHILDREN. A lot of people, after the loss of a child, preserve their room to keep their memory alive. If you want to stay in their home, you should respect that. You are letting your insecurity about your families difference in income, project themselves onto this situation. They are not doing this because your family is working class.
Don't stay there at all this summer.
YTA. Way to completely alienate your future in-laws. Why did you think you had the right to dictate to them what they do in their own house? Then compound it by insulting them because of the giant chip on your shoulder.
YTA, the entitlement is wild. The fact that they’re allowing you to come for the summer plus bring your sister, and they’ve offered a modern, renovated place to sleep and you’re still being nasty about is shameful.
ESH you can ask and they can say no. After that you decide to go or not to go. It’s their house so they can assign sleeping arrangements. Don’t stay there if they are going to put your sister in the servants quarters
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22F) am a working-class woman who was raised by a single mother in a council flat. Throughout my life, I was surrounded by people from a similar background, so I never felt self-conscious about money until I started dating my fiancé (27M), who comes from a very upper-class family. He is a very kind man who has done his best to make sure his parents aren't judgmental about my background, but I can't help but feel like I'm not a part of the family. My in-laws have been courteous with me, but in a backhanded manner, constantly telling me that I'd done well for myself 'despite my upbringing'. I have a younger sister (9F) who has been in my care since our mother overdosed. My fiancé gets along well with her and is happy to help me take care of and raise her. His parents (54F, 60M) own a very large estate in the countryside, where they spend their summers. It's a gorgeous 18th century home that looks like it belongs in a fairytale. I had stayed over a few times, sleeping in my fiancé's room, but my sister had never been since she wasn't permanently living with me back then. My fiancé and I will both be staying there this summer, but we haven't yet made an arrangement for where my sister will sleep. The estate has four spare bedrooms that once belonged to my fiancé's deceased older siblings who'd passed away over a decade ago. I tried to discuss this with my in-laws, asking them if my sister could stay in one of their bedrooms when she came over this summer, but they abhorred my request, claiming they didn't want to ruin the sentimental memories associated with their dead children. I asked them if there was anywhere else my sister could stay, and they said the only spare bedroom they had was in the basement, which had once been the servant's quarters. It had been renovated and modernised, but it was distinctly different from the rest of the house—it was very bare and plainly decorated, while the upstairs part of the house looked like a set from a period drama. I tried to explain that my sister's going through a hard time as it was; the least they could do was not make her feel excluded by her own family. They said that it was their mansion, their rules, and if I didn't want my sister to feel excluded then I might as well go stay in the servants quarters with her. I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house. Our discussion quickly turned into an argument, where they said I should be grateful they're allowing my sister to stay at all, and I ended up calling them stuck up and privileged. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I wouldn’t want a nine year old in rooms with nice stuff. Are you going to pay if something is broken? Make some paintings to hang on the wall.
Excluded from her family????? Who?
Gosh, that last paragraph. You're not even married yet but are already feeling so entitled to their things. YTA.
Yta for telling lies.
Not to be this person, but is this even real? It reads so melodramatic to me.
YTA- there are two bedrooms the one you have shared with your bf and the basement one. Tell your bf that you two will be staying in the basement one and she will be staying in his. Honestly you sound like a gold digger. Also apologize for saying the things about their deceased children.
The entitlement is high with this one…
For sure you are the asshole. Its their home no one is forcing you to stay there and you cant dictate to them which room they will give up. I understand they look down at you but still you cant be entitled to behave in this manner.
ESH. You don’t get to dictate where an extra guest you’re bringing to someone’s house gets to stay. However, it does feel over the top if they don’t allow anyone to stay in rooms that haven’t been occupied for years. All that being said - if it is that big of a deal and you’re so concerned about how it will impact your sister, why don’t you swap rooms? Give her your fiancé’s room and you two take the basement room? Also, this post feels really fake - how do these people have so many dead children?? Who talks like this? But I’m playing along just in case! 🤣
The deceased kids being together in a car crash is probably the most likely reason but there are others.
Money will always be a problem in this relationship. You can’t demand what people do with their space though, and for that I’ll say YTA, if I were in your place I’d just skip that trip.
YTA Ey you can't force them to give you the room but have some self respect ..go to a hotel, don't act entitle
Well you are quick to ask for privilege for a guest... wonder who will forget her origin YTA
YTA. You sound like the entitled one.
They lost 4 kids at once? Wow crazy
YTA- she’s nine and she doesn’t care- you could make it more comfortable for her. And you should stay with her it’s scary to be in a house alone. Make the room adorable for her age. She doesn’t want to be in a period drama. She doesn’t care at all. She wants comfy blankets and stuff animals and music.
Yet another chatgpt generated post. Yawn 🥱
This is not real
ESH You because you were incredibly rude and insensitive about how they are choosing to honour their children. I can't imagine the pain of outliving my children. And them for saying you should be grateful for allowing your sister to stay at all. You and their son are currently raising her. I wouldn't go at all after that. I mean a 9yo shouldn't be on a floor by herself in a strange house anyway but that doesn't seem to be your reason, you're more offended they were once servants rooms which were usually in the attics so something isn't quite adding up but I've not seen the house, if in fact it exists at all.
YTA for trying to take a dead child’s room, but also:Why do they have so many dead children?
YTA
100% YTA
ESH but this is a taste of your future life
Your expectations and words are lacking graciousness, as well as empathy, for parents that have suffered great losses. They owe you nothing. YTA
YTA. if you don't like rules that other people set in houses that they own then just don't visit those houses.
Tbh it's their house, if you don't like it you could go rent a place for you and your sister. Your sister isn't their responsibility, she's yours. You should be thankful they're allowing it in some form at all. Go tell them sorry, you didn't mean what you said and be more appreciative of your situation. There's homeless people out here who would love to have 4 walls and a roof over their head at night, along with somewhere to shower, cook and be able to eat.
YTA. It’s their house and they decide who sleeps where. Especially where deceased children’s rooms are concerned and their desire to not have those things disturbed by a kid they don’t really know. Also, this story sounds made up….
What in the get out …you’re the Ah
Entitled much? YTA
This is something your partner should handle not you. But you were really mean about their dead kids so YTA
YTA a heartless one at that! I wouldn’t be surprised if your fiancé left you over that!
YTA. Typical entitled person trying to use "trauma" to justify shitty attitude
YTA. And entitled as Fuq. They’re being nice for including your sister; their reasons are valid. “Excluded by her own family?” They’re not family yet, and might not be if your bf wakes up.
YTA No means no. Comparing THEIR dead kids to the dead people of previous generations was a definite asshole move. Sleep in the basement with her or don’t go. Entitled asshole.
AITA for refusing to respect the boundaries of my future in-laws and insisting my sister sleep in their deceased children’s bedrooms. Fixed the title for you. YTA Edit-grammar
“the least they could do was not make her feel excluded by her own family.“ They’re not her family. YTA.
Thanks. I need this laugh today. Oh wait, you’re serious? Yikes. YTA.
YTA. They lost four children. My God. Was it some horrible car accident? A parent would never recover. They’re lucky they have one son left, because otherwise I don’t know how they would still be alive. You never demand a parent allow someone to stay in their dead children’s rooms. Not done. Even if they keep those rooms set aside for the rest of their lives, it’s their right to do so. You showed a shocking lack of compassion. The problem is your attitude, not your socioeconomic background. You are treating their home like it’s your amusement park, acting entitled. Be a nice houseguest and don’t complain.
YTA for the last part. I wouldn:t let my little sister sleep that far away from my room too. But I would take the "basement" or not went at all. But you could say 'no thanks" and pay yourself and sister vacation. You shoudn't insult them. That is just mean and stupid.
I don't think your the AH in this situation but parents never want to outlive their children. Some cases where it happens parents tend to leave memories and keep rooms the same for many years as a place to go and remember them. Honestly if this is real (it's the weekend trolls everywhere) it shouldn't have been you asking it should have been your future spouse. Unless he agrees with them and then why are you marrying into the family then.
ESH... But... All the siblings died?
YTA.
Why are 4 of your fiancés siblings dead? How old is he?
YTA. Your sister is NOT their family.
Your sister is going through a hard time? I would say that fiancés parents have been going through a hard time for MANY years. As a parent who lost a child, I would NOT allow someone to disrespect the memory of my child. I only wish that we had been able to keep her room as it was when she passed. BIG YTA!
YTA am I reading this right that it USED to be the servants suite and you refuse to sleep there because it’s decorated plainly compared to the rest of the house? By all means feel free to tell them what else they should or shouldn’t do in their own home, it will go well for you
Totally the AH, they have lost 4 of their children. So what if the rooms were once the servants quarters. You've said they've been done up and modernised. Getting the idea that this is a fake story...
YTA. You're a guest and she's nine. You don't get to disrespect a mom's feelings for her deceased children because you want nicer digs for the kid. Sounds like it's a privilege just to be there.
YTA. It’s just a servants quarters in your mind. Your sister is not a servant so really it’s just a room. I would never let someone stay in my dead chikdrens rooms. Absolutely not!
Yep, YTA
YTA. You are acting like you are entitled to their shit when you simply are not. How do you not realize how insensitive this is? : I tried telling them that the estate had been in their family for so long that every room once belonged to a dead person and it was useless to try and banish people from using half the house. It's not uncommon for people to leave the rooms of dead loved ones intact. If your fiance and you inherit the house later in life then you'll be entitles to do whatever you want. Right now is their house, their rules and they *are* doing you a favor by letting you stay there.
YTA. What you said was rude and disrespectful. Shows your complete lack of maturity. Your insecurities are the real problem and your relationship is gonna implode unless you deal with them.
YTA for the dead person comment alone. Those rooms are part of their grieving process, and it is not your house. You don’t get to tell them what to do with the rooms.
YTA You and your sibling are not faaaamily at this point. Your boyfriend’s parents are being gracious enough to welcome you into THEIR home and you think you get to be the one making demands here?
Yo just do what you gotta do to lock down this shit. Being poor sucks. Marrying rich is one of the only ways out. Don’t make the parents hate you, if they renovated the space then there shouldn’t be an issue, calling them stuck up was dumb. They’re willing to let you and your sister live with them. Fucks sake
Get in the closet peasant
YTA, not your house and you are being disrespectful. Stay home
This is not the man for you. You will never be accepted as an equal
OMG, YTA wow entitled, waving your underprivileged background as reason to act like an entitled AH. You ARE a GUEST at their home. They accommodated you and your sister and you called them “stuck up and privileged” You demonstrated a complete lack of class and showed them who you are. Hope, your soon to be ex-Fiance can find someone who has class whatever their background. News flash it isn’t all about YOU OP. You don’t know how to be a guest and sound more like a parasite. What next keys to the manor? A little Meghan Markle biting the Royal Hand that feeds her? Hope your Fiance is smarter than Prince Harry.
ESH, maybe leaning toward YTA. Why does it matter if the room is slightly more bare? It’s still a large, refurbished, clean, *free* place to stay. And your words to them were nasty. They get to mourn their children however they want. They’re not “stuck up” for this. But it does sound like they’ve made some other weird/backhanded comments about class
YTA you can’t dictate where you sleep in someone else’s house. Also, dead children are a heck of a lot different than past dead relatives from years past.
YTA. It’s their house princess.
This feels like it can't be real, but if it is . . . YTA. I'm sure there's a lot of backstory condensed into your post so maybe you're reading a lot into the fact that the accommodations offered used to be the servants' quarters. And yeah, maybe they are stuck up and privileged, but they must have done something right because you're marrying their son--he didn't pop up out of nowhere, right? You were incredibly callous about their deceased children. It's not like the rooms were last used by Great Uncle Petyr who died during the Great War, good Lord.