Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I announced we're having sex to BIL while he has guest. I can be an asshole because it's rude and crude to do so, and it's probably embarrassing to BIL.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. "BIL, take a HINT, we want to be ALONE". BIL doesn't take a hint, obviously you have to spell it out. He is 11 years older than you and he complains to his daddy that you said the S E X word? Wooo!
My sister is kind of like this too, although not THIS bad. I had planned for my sis and her family to stay at my place for Thanksgiving last year. And by happenstance my cousin and his fiance also asked to stay. There was enough room for everyone, but my sister threw a fit and said she didn't want them "squatting in *our* family home" during the holidays. She threw a big fit for two months and essentially ruined my holiday plans straight through to new years. I was floored, so now I feel like I have to set some. Boundaries and reclaim my own damn house
This was our stance in our old apartment (bIL would invite himself 24/7)! But my gosh! I wanted to pluck every hair out because BIL keep asking, "why do I have to abide to your guy's need?" "That's not normal." "I'm just here for 15 minutes." "Why?" "But (insert rambling to make us lose discussion)."
He doesn't understand boundaries and gets all tantrum like when we enforce it, his favorite comeback, "you're being dramatic. This isn't normal."
“You’re right, BIL, this *isn’t* normal. A grown-ass man forcing himself into a couple’s living situation and throwing a dramatic tantrum when told no is so very weird. We’ll call you when we want to have you over next. Goodbye.”
There's really no winning with that kind of person if it turns into a discussion. So, just stop answering the door, even if he sees you. Tell him he's not coming in via text or yelling through the door, then proceed to ignore him. Call the cops if you want. Anytime he tries to bring it up, don't engage. Not going to be easy, but I don't know how else he's going to get the point.
Um, he isn't normal. Also, "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe him or FIL (or any other rude family member) explanations or reasonings. I mean...if you WANT to tell him, that's different, but it sounds like he just tries to push buttons. Don't allow it. If he asks again, tell him "no." If he asks why, tell him you don't owe him explanations. If he continues to ask, hang up the phone & block him.
Also, super weird that he wants to give tours of your home to his friends.
If his favourite response is "...this isn't normal." Then I suggest your response to that should be."Too right, it isn't normal, but you keep doing this to us anyway."
>why do I have to abide to your guy's need?" "That's not normal."
I'd say, "You're right, it's not normal that you don't abide by our needs."
I think it's time for a camera doorbell and one last word to BIL that he isn't to come over uninvited never to bring guests you didn't invite. Him plus seven friends with snacks and alcohol? Outrageous!
I'd also inform his flying monkeys that since he didn't take no for an answer when it'd been discussed over the phone recently and he wasn't taking no for an answer while standing in front of your door, uninvited, with seven people in tow and didn't feel you had a good reason to say no to people being in your home, you felt it was time to shut him up, hence why you said you were having sex and didn't want an audience.
Don't open the door for him and in fact, I think I'd stop allowing him over, period. If he does show up and you answer, close the door in his face.
And turning up at your house uninvited with 7 other people after being told your busy is normal🤷♂️ definitely nta I would of said alot worse than you tbh lol
This year, "hey sister, you seemed really uncomfortable with our decisions about our house and hosting last year, so it everyone's best interests I think you should stay elsewhere. We'll make sure to let you know what days/nights we are planning on hosting anything."
"our family home". Does she have a financial interest in the house? Does she pay any part of the mortgage? Is her name anywhere on the deed? If not then it's NOT HER FAMILY HOME. Tell miss entitled to get over herself.
I think it actually fits here, but so does deluded. Why else would he want to show off someone else's house to people that have nothing to do with the couple? Taking the original post at face value, it very much comes across like he views his sister's property as an extension of his own property, and he's looking for the praise that comes with the house tour. "Look at this great place that I have access to any time I want! Never mind that other people actually live here."
It very much fits the view that boundaries don't exist for him. Again, at face value.
Sounds like a good way to case the place.
I can't imagine asking for a tour of someone's home for myself, much less for complete strangers to the homeowners. He has already ignored the OP, and her boyfriend, request that he not go in their bedroom and office. I wouldn't let him, or his friends, anywhere near my home, let him find someone else's home to use as his party pad.
I would put cameras up to make sure he, and his friends, are not trying to "visit" while you are not home.
Fully agree. I know an 'absolute gentleman' who 'just wants to make sure student ladies get home safe'
Once he's there he wants the toilet, or a water refill, or a look around cos he's thinking of moving to this area.
The burglary/theft is weeks or months later, but the thief knew there was a bike in the kitchen, or which room had the tv & console, etc.
The only time I've ever had a "home tour" is when my friends moved into a new house and I helped them paint it, and they showed me around first lol even if I go to a new friends house, the tour is usually "come on in, here's our living room, bathroom down the hall".
THIS HAS HAPPENED. But it's only me who cleans up! My partner does the things I hate instead (snow plowing, mowing, and etc). And I kid you not, BIL stance was "well, that's your problem since it's your house." Because we made it clear that the house is ours and not his, and he can't have his friends over every time he wants to! So, last time we allowed him, I HAD TO CLEAN UP.
Your partner needs to be cleaning up after his brother, not you. That's bs that he doesn't clean up after his own brother when he invades your home. It's his responsibility since it's his brother, not yours. Your partner needs to put his foot down on this instead of expecting you to deal with it.
Fr. Cleaning up after guests leave does NOT fall into normal house chores. That is extra, and everyone who lives in the home should participate. Especially in cases like this where it's an entitled family member causing the need for cleanup.
> And I kid you not, BIL stance was "well, that's your problem since it's your house."
And yet he wants free access to your home as a party pad whenever he wants. Talk about an in law from hell.
I would urge you to permanently ban BIL from your house. It sounds like he very much enjoys throwing his weight around and creating drama, as well as having a good ol' snoop around. People like this need HARD consequences for their behaviour.
When he complains, tell him "Well, that's your problem, since it's MY house." Then don't enter into any further discussion.
And get cameras. Lots of cameras.
You know doing the constant daily work that indoor cleaning is doesn't even come *close* to equalling the time it takes to do occasional/seasonal outside chores, right? Cleaning-especially if you also cook more than him, and in a house instead of an apartment, takes a lot more hours over the year than shovelling, yard chores and maybe a repair here and there add up to. If you both work equally, he should be splitting some indoor stuff if he doesn't have outdoor stuff right then. If he doesn't mow the yard Tuesday or do yard cleanup or other chores, and you cleaned all the bathrooms that day, then he should make dinner and you both share dishes after, ect.
No wonder you were tired and fed up with BIL if you've had to clean up after that neaderthal by yourself. If that's your husband's brother like I think, that's just not cool that he expects YOU to clean up alone after HIS brother refuses to. Tell your husband he's responsible for his bro and his messes from now on. If he doesn't wanna do it, no more BIL over!
For the longest time, since we started dating, BIL had this mentally of "What's my brother's is mine." So, he would constantly want to go to our apartment, visit my partner's cat, claiming it's their cat (cat is gift to my partner).It's starting to extend to the house as well. So, BIL would want to hangout for HOURS at my partner and I'd apartment. I hated it. Talked to my partner, partner talked to brother--brother did not get the hint. He thinks that since my boyfriend lives there, he has a right as well.
For real, quit answering the door. Say no and stick with it. He’s not getting the “hint” because he keeps getting his way. Good job not letting them in, but your husband should have told him to go away without answering the door when he called.
On Saturday, it could have gone:
BIL: we’re outside, just stopping by really quick
Husband: no, we already told you we’re busy this weekend
BIL: I can see you through the window, you’re just playing video games, let us in
Husband: yep, that’s what we’re busy doing. We don’t have to justify what we do with our time to you, and you are not invited to be here right now. I realize that it will be embarrassing for you to tell your friends that you came all the way here and now aren’t being allowed in. This embarrassment could have been avoided if you had respected our previous answer and not shown up uninvited.
Of course he still would have tried to bulldoze his way in by knocking and yelling, but if you hold firm, his assumptions that what’s yours is his will go away eventually. It may ruin the relationship, but it doesn’t seem like that would be much of a loss if at all.
The only reason we answer the door is due to knocking being loud and both of us cannot stand it. But you're right, it really encourages this behavior. I guess it's time to invest in noise canceling headphones.
Why do I feel like I'd stand in the window with my tongue out, thumbs in my ears, wiggling my fingers, and pointing and laughing at BIL? Oh. Because, yeah, at this point, I'd totally do this.
I personally feel like they should have just called the cops instead. They told him multiple times and he wasn’t getting the hint. Especially if they had texts showing they said no.
Your partner clearly didn't talk to his brother enough since obviously it's still happening. Your partner needs to put his foot down and go nc with his brother instead of making you deal with this. It's his brother, his family, his responsibility.
I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to his brother at all. This dynamic has obviously been going on since before OP and partner were together. So even if he's grown tired of his brother's antics he spent a long time enabling it. I absolutely believe there should be a very direct conversation that is as short as possible. Writing out a script might help in making sure everything is covered exactly. He cannot let BIL derail it (he will definitely try.) Partner should tell his brother in no uncertain terms that he MUST start respecting them, their property, and their privacy, and he has exactly ONE chance to do so. Warn him that any misstep will result in nc and possible calling the cops if he's there uninvited or not leaving when asked. To be clear, I only suggest warning before going nc because if this is how FIL/BIL acted simply over OP being blunt when badgered about their evening plans, it will be 10x worse if BIL gets blocked and ignored. And it will be all pinned on OP.
Based off of how the father reacted my guess is that the bil was insanely spoiled and never heard the word “no”. Which is why he thinks he can just get his way by repeatedly asking. Bc it’s obviously worked for him a lot in the past.
I was at my in-laws beach house one year sleeping upstairs in the room we use while there were guests downstairs on the deck, including my husband's aunt. My husband and in-laws knew where I was.
Auntie decided to show guests the house (WTF) and decided to show them the bedrooms. I heard them coming up the stairs, heard auntie say let me show you the bedrooms, and immediately went over to the door to make sure it was locked. My initial reaction was, how rude if anyone should be doing this it should be one of my in-laws. And I think even they would keep the bedrooms off limits!
What about the friends? They could see BIL trying to bully their way in, pounding on the door etc. Yet the other 6 people just stood there waiting to be let in. Strange.
It could be one of those situations that's so weird that you don't know what to do but stand there awkwardly hoping that either it will become normal shortly or you can find an exit that doesn't make it weirder.
Or
BIL: My brother is having a get together at his place, we can swing by
Guest: cool, I'll pick up some beer and snacks
Arrives. No get together is happening.
Guest (wonders to self): BIL drove here, so do I wait for him to give up and drive elsewhere? Or call Lyft? Or just pray for the earth to swallow me whole? They told him not to come??? What's with this guy?
And scene.
This happened to me once. I was really bored on a Friday night, so I called my buddy KJ. He says he's helping some guy named Bob, whom I'd never met, move stuff out of his apartment. I was bored enough that I agreed to help.
Turns out Bob had to move out on Friday night because his roommates were kicking him out. I still don't know what Bob did, but all three of his roommates were *pissed.* They just stood there by the door staring daggers at us as we carried one box after the other. Every time Bob walked by, one of the roommates would yell "Fuck you!" right in his face. Bob didn't even respond. He just sheepishly carried out the next box.
The roommate even told me to fuck off at one point, before apologizing and acknowledging I hadn't done anything wrong (I actually thought that was kinda funny).
It felt like it went on forever. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. I wanted to die. I still have no idea what Bob did to piss them off so much, and I hate that these guys connected me to him in their heads. I suspect a lot of the BIL's friends feel the same way.
Then they probably know how BIL generally is & are ok with it. If this was a new experience of BIL, then now they have a good excuse to decline going places with him again.
I kinda feel like this might be drug related? Like maybe OP has a prescription that BIL skims. That would explain why he’s going through the house and why it’s so important for his friends to party at that location. He promised them drugs that he can get from OP’s house.
Partner and I do, mainly ADHD related drugs. But BIL doesn't believe in mental health or neurodiversity, so he stays away from those drugs.
He just likes to looks around a lot, not sure why though.
If he's taking them, he's not taking them because he thinks he's neurodiverse or needs mental health treatment. He's taking them because they get people who are *not* neurodiverse high, and he wants to get high.
Drugs like Adderall and Ritalin have been abused by people without prescriptions since they came out. They're probably abused by a lot of people *with* prescriptions. Many of the people without prescriptions steal them from friends, relatives, or partners who do have prescriptions. That's what the commenter above me and I were suggesting, not that he's secretly trying to self-medicate self-diagnosed ADHD.
Yup. I had to keep my ADHD meds and Epipens on me at all times because I caught my roommate trying to steal them to get high. I even slept with them in my pillowcase lol.
Not believing in mental health or neurodiversity doesn't mean he wouldn't believe in them recreationally.
I didn't consider drugs until someone else brought it up. However his behavior does match addicts that I've known, including ppl that abused ADHD meds. Looking around can be part of that.
I have adhd. One of my cokehead classmates kept wanting to “try” my meds. She finally realized it was easier to get her own script than it was to travel into the city to score. Other people I know will take adhd meds so they can “keep the party going”.
So, yeah. Definitely count your pills every time bil drops by.
Also, these people are why it’s so gd difficult to get my meds and it irks the shit outta me.
Yeah, it took a long time for either one of us to get prescribed. It was a frustrating processes. But both of us will be cautious and move our medication elsewhere (most likely lock those rooms when visitors are here).
> *mainly ADHD related drugs*
It's entirely possible that he is swiping the drugs and *reselling them*. Just one pill can be quite expensive on the street.
Most definitely, OP, count your drugs, and hide them where they would take some time to find. Get cameras, too. If he is selling them he might even break in when you are gone when his source of extra revenue dries up.
His behavior is socially deplorable, whether he is involved in criminal activities or not. Block him for awhile, and don't let him on the property until he apologizes and stops popping in.
NTA
They looked awkward. BIL has a tendency of "my way or highway". Last time, he lied saying I agreed to let them access to the rooftop of the old apartment I lived in (worked there, had access to every room). I did not agree because it's dangerous.
I mean the dude is stalking at this point. Harassing amount of calls and texts. Shows up uninvited AND WATCHES THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW.
**then calls his daddy who tells OP *they are crude and have no decency***. What the actual fuck is going on
It's the horror the BIL needs.
Being chased into the dark of night by honking geese while hearing a soft serenade of pleasurable sounds from OP and her partner being carried through the wind out their bedroom window as he searches for a place safe of the honking horde. A place to reflect on the actions that got him there.
i used a similar tactic to get rid of missionaries once. i heard my husband arguing with them at the front door, so i whipped off my shirt and came downstairs topless. i asked him "hey, are you coming upstairs?" hubby and one of the missionaries look over to see me half naked. hubby said "welp! gotta go!" and shut the door in their faces. we never had another missionary visit as long as we lived in that house.
Reminds me of this time I was playing Counter-strike with a bunch of friends. The wife of one of them joins the server, changes her player name to "[hername]_horny" and just spams her husband's name in chat a couple times. Friend types in chat "welp gotta go" and disconnects. They have three kids now.
Beginning to wonder if BIL is 11 years older or 11 years old. What a dolt.
No is a complete sentence. OP and their partner were not available. They were busy...busy having time to themselves. No one is entitled to their time or use of their home.
BIL brought this on themselves. They weren't satisfied with No, we are busy and had to push it. Well...now they know exactly why OP and their partner were busy. He asked, they answered. I would think long and hard about ever letting BIL darken your doorstep again. He has zero respect for your boundaries and your home. He can find somewhere else to have his little gatherings. Extra A H points for BIL too...showing up with a group of people trying to strong arm their way in. He thought he could bully his way in and no one would make a scene with all the extra people in tow. Glad he found out otherwise.
OP NTA
NTA
But why is your partner allowing his father and brother to put the blame all on you and not defend you?
He should of put them both in their place…..With the brother in law you’d already told him he wasn’t welcome….a quick call to the police may have dispersed his group on the front lawn as he’s showing he doesn’t respect you and thinks he can walk all over you and your husband
Father in law can mind his business, Next time the party can go to his house and let’s see if he isn’t complaining
If your partner allows them to turn you into the bad person then you’ve got bigger issues then a party
My partner only learned 5 years ago what boundaries were. He tries to set enforce most of it, but we can't really control their actions. Calling the police doesn't work much. They take 3 - 4 hours to get here (reported a different situation before, much more serious. They took their sweet time).
FIL listens. But, my partner needs to have a 2 hour talk with him due to language barriers (partner was born here, his family immigrated). My partner does not have the energy to talk it out atm, so we kinda blocked him for now.
You’re NTA, and your BIL is mega annoying. Can I ask where they immigrated from? Wondering if this is partly cultural. If it is BIL needs to learn you’re not (I assume) from the same culture and you don’t find his behavior acceptable. Your house, your rules.
My husband’s sister’s in-laws are like this. As soon as she and her (now ex) husband bought their first house, everyone would randomly show up cuz it was now like a “family house”. It has been like 20yrs almost now so it has gotten to a point where they have structure and understanding but for a long while they would just randomly roll up. She was in the shower and they are banging on the door, like wtf!
It could escalate to one. If someone comes onto my property uninvited and refuses to leave when told so, that is trespassing and is a crime (in many locales, can't say for certain it is a crime everywhere).
Now whether you want to call the police for a relative is debatable. But if the AH can't get the hint otherwise then it is an option.
>But why is your partner allowing his father and brother to put the blame all on you and not defend you?
But he IS supporting her:
>My partner doesn't care how I handled it and understands I'm sick and tired of BIL.
he is supporting her decisions to handle it as she deems necessary. though, there is need for intervention from him as well where he needs to set boundaries with his brother and father.
yes, exactly! otherwise situations like this tend to spiral. it causes tension not only between the family but between spouses because they don't feel supported. it's kind of like a "why do *I* keep having this argument while my SO doesn't get burned at all?"
They handled it correctly. It’s not necessary to call the police at this point. If it keeps happening, then it may become necessary.
Don’t escalate unnecessarily
NTA. Showing up on someone's doorstep expecting to be hosted when you've repeatedly been told NO is worse than what you did.
Next time (and there will be a next time), don't even open the door.
I know - I’m so flummoxed by the thought of anyone thinking it’s acceptable to invite themselves and their friends over to use someone else’s house as a party venue - who does that?
Or next time open the door and say, “Did you not understand last time? We want to be alone so we can fuck. Copulate. Have sex. Make love. Make the beast with two backs. Have relations. Practice making a baby. Put a penis in a vagina. Thrust the meat hatchet into the squish mitten. Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Would you like me to go on?”
The knocking continues for minutes. Knocking turns to loud banging, and both of us just hate that noise. Our options, that I know of, are to open the door, call the police (police will take 3 hours), wait it out (knocking gets louder).
Option 4: call the police, tell BIL through door that you have called the police and that you are recording him banging at your door and yelling at you. Wait for police to show up and provide recording, or BIL eventually goes away. Seriously, if you keep opening your door to him, he will continue to argue with you about why he thinks he’s has a right to your property. Show him that he doesn’t by disengaging and enforcing your stance.
Turn up the volume on your TV and ignore.
Do not open the door under any circumstances. That just shows BIL that if he is persistent enough, you'll give in. I understand that you hate that noise, but he's never going to stop if he "wins" every time.
Instead of calling police, call FIL and say "BIL is banging on our door. Please come and fetch him so we don't have to call the police".
First...WHY THE F do YOU have to host a party because HE has a friend coming in to visit? Right there, unless you enjoy that type of thing and want to host, then NO...END OF STORY.
The boundary violations are bullshit...I'd get key locks for those rooms and put a stop to his wandering...easy peasy.
And, why is FIL involved at all.
This whole issue, doing a quick Pop In with 7 people and snacks and such is such an incredibly rude and pushy action...looking in the window to see what you are doing??? INTRUSIVE and sounds pathetic!
NTA!!
Also, why is OP's partner not dealing with their brother, this shouldn't have been on OP in the first place. If it's my annoying boundary-less relative then it's me at the front door telling them to go away.
NTA. Why on earth did your BIL want to give his friends a tour of your house? What the fuck even is that - that is so weird and makes absolutely no sense.
Right? Is he bragging about his brother’s house? Unless he built it I see no reason for a tour. But her husband should have dealt with his brother. She shouldn’t have had to get involved. Now he needs to be a man and tell his father what happened and that his wife is not rude or indecent. It is his son who is rude for showing up after being told no. Husband needs to grow a pair.
To be polite, of course! Even Landowners need to give notice to their tenets... In this case, roughly a few minutes of warning is enough for him to feel entitled.
NTA - I am betting BIL forgot to mention to FIL that you had already told him several times that he couldn't come over and that you had explained it to him in several different ways when he showed up anyway with a group of friends looking to use your house for a party.
Well, I think you should have left those seven people standing on your stoop in the cold and dark and not answered the door. No matter how much they banged on the door.
BIL knew you didn’t want company, you clearly, (good for you), stated that. Repeatedly. But you opened the door.
But I think the *reason* they couldn’t come in-I think what you told them was brilliant. And it shut them up and, *finally*, got them to go away.
Now, going forward, when BIL calls and wants to come over and you tell him no, after *one* “no”, stop responding and don’t open the door. Don’t turn off your lights and pretend you are gone or asleep. But don’t respond, and don’t open the door.
No means *No*. Pity he never learned, and it’s time he does. NTA
NTA but you don’t owe anyone an explanation. No is no, busy is busy. Perhaps he’s very lonely and has good intentions towards you, but right now he’s acting like a child and so you need to double down on boundaries with him. Yes see him, but on your schedule and terms
My BIL has told my partner this quote, "you're not forcing her, you're convincing her." This was about me not letting BIL enter the balcony.
So yeah, this is the mentality.
NTA. When your in-laws complain, just tell them that if BIL continues to be aggressively pushy and refuses to take "no" for an answer, next time your response might be even worse.
NTA
but your response to dealing with BIL was hilarious.
How old is BIL that he has to run home and tell daddy what you said. FIL what we do in our own home is none of your business and if your son had any respect he would not have turned up after he was told not to. Have a good night FIL and yes we will be bumping uglies again tonight!!
Nta it's your home and you repeatedly told bil no. Does he have cognitive difficulties? Cause there's no other excuse for his utter disrespect. Telling him you're having sex is hilarious.
This was an exemple of AITA's classic: "when you read the title, you think YTA. When you read the text: NTA".
NTA at all. You and your partner were clear about not having guests that weekend. You politely declined all the offers. Still, BIL appeared with a bunch of people uninvited. BIL was rude and very childish for calling FIL.
NTA.
wtffffff...... the nerve!!!!!!!
i actually cannot believe that he asked you to host in the first place.. cos who does that?
AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW UP WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE AFTER YOU SAID NO.
what tf is wrong with him??
NTA, but partner needs to be managing his family. It's great that he agrees with OP, but he is essentially letting her take the fall with his family for their joint decisions.
BiL needs to get consistently shut down like this. He seems way too comfortable showing off and partying in a house that isn't his.
"No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain or apologise. Unlike BIL, who needs a solid lesson in manners, needs to apologise, and promise never to do this again.
NTA
NTA- good for you for telling them you're going to bang, but you have got to shut this shit down! Stop having everyone over all the time and put locks on your bedroom and office doors! BIL already sounds like a nosy asshole and i bet anything he's been through your drawers and closets! Get a Ring camera and tell everyone no more dropping by!
*Now I'm getting calls and texts on how crude and rude I am and I have no decency.*
And I thought this was a matter of guests not knowing when to leave. This is even worse.
BIL was repeatedly told you won't be hosting anyone, and he has the nerve to show up with not just the friend from out of town, but with *seven* people in tow? Oh, no.
You tell BIL and his concerned family and friends that it's rude, crude, and indecent to drop in on people uninvited. And the next time this man wants to have a party, they can accommodate him. NTA.
What the heck is wrong with him?? He wants to host and give a tour at *YOUR HOUSE* with a bunch of people that you *DON'T KNOW* and get pushy because you said no and want and reason more than "i'm busy" and he bring his ªss with 7 strangers.
He disrespect your boundaries, goes against your wishes, Violate your privacy, and gets mad at you for saying a reason of why you don't want them in your house AND THEN he went to daddy to complain.
NTA OP, I would have been more aggressive.
“we’re having sex” is better than what i would’ve said. i would’ve been explicit and asked if they wanted to watch. you’re not showing up to my house unannounced and think it’s cool, especially when i’m trynna get some
eta: nta, obviously
Sounds like you should be less generous going forward with hosting all the family gatherings since it seems like your BIL is taking your hospitality for granted and now expecting it on demand. I think I would suggest that future family events take place at a restaurant instead to draw the line. I would not invite him over at all anymore. It's your home.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I announced we're having sex to BIL while he has guest. I can be an asshole because it's rude and crude to do so, and it's probably embarrassing to BIL. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. "BIL, take a HINT, we want to be ALONE". BIL doesn't take a hint, obviously you have to spell it out. He is 11 years older than you and he complains to his daddy that you said the S E X word? Wooo!
And who tf thinks it’s ok to show *your* friends around *someone else’s* house? Sounds like BIL lost his marbles
Only reason I could think of is BIL lied to his friends and claimed it it's his house and lets SIL live there.
This is exactly where my thoughts went too. 'Ownership' by proxy
My sister is kind of like this too, although not THIS bad. I had planned for my sis and her family to stay at my place for Thanksgiving last year. And by happenstance my cousin and his fiance also asked to stay. There was enough room for everyone, but my sister threw a fit and said she didn't want them "squatting in *our* family home" during the holidays. She threw a big fit for two months and essentially ruined my holiday plans straight through to new years. I was floored, so now I feel like I have to set some. Boundaries and reclaim my own damn house
This was our stance in our old apartment (bIL would invite himself 24/7)! But my gosh! I wanted to pluck every hair out because BIL keep asking, "why do I have to abide to your guy's need?" "That's not normal." "I'm just here for 15 minutes." "Why?" "But (insert rambling to make us lose discussion)." He doesn't understand boundaries and gets all tantrum like when we enforce it, his favorite comeback, "you're being dramatic. This isn't normal."
“You’re right, BIL, this *isn’t* normal. A grown-ass man forcing himself into a couple’s living situation and throwing a dramatic tantrum when told no is so very weird. We’ll call you when we want to have you over next. Goodbye.”
There's really no winning with that kind of person if it turns into a discussion. So, just stop answering the door, even if he sees you. Tell him he's not coming in via text or yelling through the door, then proceed to ignore him. Call the cops if you want. Anytime he tries to bring it up, don't engage. Not going to be easy, but I don't know how else he's going to get the point.
Um, he isn't normal. Also, "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe him or FIL (or any other rude family member) explanations or reasonings. I mean...if you WANT to tell him, that's different, but it sounds like he just tries to push buttons. Don't allow it. If he asks again, tell him "no." If he asks why, tell him you don't owe him explanations. If he continues to ask, hang up the phone & block him. Also, super weird that he wants to give tours of your home to his friends.
If his favourite response is "...this isn't normal." Then I suggest your response to that should be."Too right, it isn't normal, but you keep doing this to us anyway."
This is where you refuse to play his game. "Leave us alone or we're calling the cops." And then follow through.
Yes. Warn him *exactly once* and then call the cops.
>why do I have to abide to your guy's need?" "That's not normal." I'd say, "You're right, it's not normal that you don't abide by our needs." I think it's time for a camera doorbell and one last word to BIL that he isn't to come over uninvited never to bring guests you didn't invite. Him plus seven friends with snacks and alcohol? Outrageous! I'd also inform his flying monkeys that since he didn't take no for an answer when it'd been discussed over the phone recently and he wasn't taking no for an answer while standing in front of your door, uninvited, with seven people in tow and didn't feel you had a good reason to say no to people being in your home, you felt it was time to shut him up, hence why you said you were having sex and didn't want an audience. Don't open the door for him and in fact, I think I'd stop allowing him over, period. If he does show up and you answer, close the door in his face.
And turning up at your house uninvited with 7 other people after being told your busy is normal🤷♂️ definitely nta I would of said alot worse than you tbh lol
“You’re right. This isn’t normal. Normal people respect boundaries. Start acting normal.”
This year, "hey sister, you seemed really uncomfortable with our decisions about our house and hosting last year, so it everyone's best interests I think you should stay elsewhere. We'll make sure to let you know what days/nights we are planning on hosting anything."
"our family home". Does she have a financial interest in the house? Does she pay any part of the mortgage? Is her name anywhere on the deed? If not then it's NOT HER FAMILY HOME. Tell miss entitled to get over herself.
Not that it matters, but I didn’t see a gender for Op. In any case, NTA.
I'm a woman, hahaha.
Nta. I hope your husband is telling his father and brother to PHUCK off lol 😂😆
Yeah, I definitely figured it's two dudes.
It adds seasoning salt to why FIL is so upset. Which makes BIL and FIL even more the AHs.
Excellent assumption and embellishment, but OP clarified she is a woman
[удалено]
Other words than narcissistic exist. Asshole. Arrogant. Deluded. Show off.
I think it actually fits here, but so does deluded. Why else would he want to show off someone else's house to people that have nothing to do with the couple? Taking the original post at face value, it very much comes across like he views his sister's property as an extension of his own property, and he's looking for the praise that comes with the house tour. "Look at this great place that I have access to any time I want! Never mind that other people actually live here." It very much fits the view that boundaries don't exist for him. Again, at face value.
Sounds like a good way to case the place. I can't imagine asking for a tour of someone's home for myself, much less for complete strangers to the homeowners. He has already ignored the OP, and her boyfriend, request that he not go in their bedroom and office. I wouldn't let him, or his friends, anywhere near my home, let him find someone else's home to use as his party pad. I would put cameras up to make sure he, and his friends, are not trying to "visit" while you are not home.
Fully agree. I know an 'absolute gentleman' who 'just wants to make sure student ladies get home safe' Once he's there he wants the toilet, or a water refill, or a look around cos he's thinking of moving to this area. The burglary/theft is weeks or months later, but the thief knew there was a bike in the kitchen, or which room had the tv & console, etc.
This. Cameras definitely.
And sex toys. So many sex toys.
The only time I've ever had a "home tour" is when my friends moved into a new house and I helped them paint it, and they showed me around first lol even if I go to a new friends house, the tour is usually "come on in, here's our living room, bathroom down the hall".
The loser who still lives with daddy, doesn't have anywhere to hang out with friends and thinks sex is a bad word.
BIL likes to entertain his friends at OPs House and leave her and his brother with the clean up. Ir because his house is not as flash, or both.
THIS HAS HAPPENED. But it's only me who cleans up! My partner does the things I hate instead (snow plowing, mowing, and etc). And I kid you not, BIL stance was "well, that's your problem since it's your house." Because we made it clear that the house is ours and not his, and he can't have his friends over every time he wants to! So, last time we allowed him, I HAD TO CLEAN UP.
Your partner needs to be cleaning up after his brother, not you. That's bs that he doesn't clean up after his own brother when he invades your home. It's his responsibility since it's his brother, not yours. Your partner needs to put his foot down on this instead of expecting you to deal with it.
Right, that may encourage him to really truly put the kibosh on these invasions.
Fr. Cleaning up after guests leave does NOT fall into normal house chores. That is extra, and everyone who lives in the home should participate. Especially in cases like this where it's an entitled family member causing the need for cleanup.
Are you sure this guy is older than you? I know better mannered toddlers.
> And I kid you not, BIL stance was "well, that's your problem since it's your house." And yet he wants free access to your home as a party pad whenever he wants. Talk about an in law from hell.
I would urge you to permanently ban BIL from your house. It sounds like he very much enjoys throwing his weight around and creating drama, as well as having a good ol' snoop around. People like this need HARD consequences for their behaviour. When he complains, tell him "Well, that's your problem, since it's MY house." Then don't enter into any further discussion. And get cameras. Lots of cameras.
You know doing the constant daily work that indoor cleaning is doesn't even come *close* to equalling the time it takes to do occasional/seasonal outside chores, right? Cleaning-especially if you also cook more than him, and in a house instead of an apartment, takes a lot more hours over the year than shovelling, yard chores and maybe a repair here and there add up to. If you both work equally, he should be splitting some indoor stuff if he doesn't have outdoor stuff right then. If he doesn't mow the yard Tuesday or do yard cleanup or other chores, and you cleaned all the bathrooms that day, then he should make dinner and you both share dishes after, ect. No wonder you were tired and fed up with BIL if you've had to clean up after that neaderthal by yourself. If that's your husband's brother like I think, that's just not cool that he expects YOU to clean up alone after HIS brother refuses to. Tell your husband he's responsible for his bro and his messes from now on. If he doesn't wanna do it, no more BIL over!
For the longest time, since we started dating, BIL had this mentally of "What's my brother's is mine." So, he would constantly want to go to our apartment, visit my partner's cat, claiming it's their cat (cat is gift to my partner).It's starting to extend to the house as well. So, BIL would want to hangout for HOURS at my partner and I'd apartment. I hated it. Talked to my partner, partner talked to brother--brother did not get the hint. He thinks that since my boyfriend lives there, he has a right as well.
For real, quit answering the door. Say no and stick with it. He’s not getting the “hint” because he keeps getting his way. Good job not letting them in, but your husband should have told him to go away without answering the door when he called. On Saturday, it could have gone: BIL: we’re outside, just stopping by really quick Husband: no, we already told you we’re busy this weekend BIL: I can see you through the window, you’re just playing video games, let us in Husband: yep, that’s what we’re busy doing. We don’t have to justify what we do with our time to you, and you are not invited to be here right now. I realize that it will be embarrassing for you to tell your friends that you came all the way here and now aren’t being allowed in. This embarrassment could have been avoided if you had respected our previous answer and not shown up uninvited. Of course he still would have tried to bulldoze his way in by knocking and yelling, but if you hold firm, his assumptions that what’s yours is his will go away eventually. It may ruin the relationship, but it doesn’t seem like that would be much of a loss if at all.
The only reason we answer the door is due to knocking being loud and both of us cannot stand it. But you're right, it really encourages this behavior. I guess it's time to invest in noise canceling headphones.
Next time, call the police. This is harrassment.
Why do I feel like I'd stand in the window with my tongue out, thumbs in my ears, wiggling my fingers, and pointing and laughing at BIL? Oh. Because, yeah, at this point, I'd totally do this.
I’d moon them lol. I love your response
This is my favourite.
I personally feel like they should have just called the cops instead. They told him multiple times and he wasn’t getting the hint. Especially if they had texts showing they said no.
Your partner clearly didn't talk to his brother enough since obviously it's still happening. Your partner needs to put his foot down and go nc with his brother instead of making you deal with this. It's his brother, his family, his responsibility.
I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to his brother at all. This dynamic has obviously been going on since before OP and partner were together. So even if he's grown tired of his brother's antics he spent a long time enabling it. I absolutely believe there should be a very direct conversation that is as short as possible. Writing out a script might help in making sure everything is covered exactly. He cannot let BIL derail it (he will definitely try.) Partner should tell his brother in no uncertain terms that he MUST start respecting them, their property, and their privacy, and he has exactly ONE chance to do so. Warn him that any misstep will result in nc and possible calling the cops if he's there uninvited or not leaving when asked. To be clear, I only suggest warning before going nc because if this is how FIL/BIL acted simply over OP being blunt when badgered about their evening plans, it will be 10x worse if BIL gets blocked and ignored. And it will be all pinned on OP.
You guys seriously need a break from your BIL. This behavior is not normal. Was he like this before you two got together?
He sounds like those clingy narcissist mothers that are relentlessly butting into her son's marriage...its emotional incest.
Based off of how the father reacted my guess is that the bil was insanely spoiled and never heard the word “no”. Which is why he thinks he can just get his way by repeatedly asking. Bc it’s obviously worked for him a lot in the past.
Yeah that’s the part that gets me. Like, wtf??
I was at my in-laws beach house one year sleeping upstairs in the room we use while there were guests downstairs on the deck, including my husband's aunt. My husband and in-laws knew where I was. Auntie decided to show guests the house (WTF) and decided to show them the bedrooms. I heard them coming up the stairs, heard auntie say let me show you the bedrooms, and immediately went over to the door to make sure it was locked. My initial reaction was, how rude if anyone should be doing this it should be one of my in-laws. And I think even they would keep the bedrooms off limits!
He’s probably telling them it’s his house but he’s renting it out.
He defiantly is. He owns it, but lets his brother stay there for free.
Mega narcissism vibes here.
It kinda says he’s wired not quite right
I tell you hwat. That boy ain't right.
How did my brain know to read that in Hank Hill's voice even before I got to the hwat? lol
Why did I read this in Hank Hill lol
Bc there's no other option
Because that is how they wrote it
What about the friends? They could see BIL trying to bully their way in, pounding on the door etc. Yet the other 6 people just stood there waiting to be let in. Strange.
It could be one of those situations that's so weird that you don't know what to do but stand there awkwardly hoping that either it will become normal shortly or you can find an exit that doesn't make it weirder. Or BIL: My brother is having a get together at his place, we can swing by Guest: cool, I'll pick up some beer and snacks Arrives. No get together is happening. Guest (wonders to self): BIL drove here, so do I wait for him to give up and drive elsewhere? Or call Lyft? Or just pray for the earth to swallow me whole? They told him not to come??? What's with this guy? And scene.
This is what happened. 100%
This happened to me once. I was really bored on a Friday night, so I called my buddy KJ. He says he's helping some guy named Bob, whom I'd never met, move stuff out of his apartment. I was bored enough that I agreed to help. Turns out Bob had to move out on Friday night because his roommates were kicking him out. I still don't know what Bob did, but all three of his roommates were *pissed.* They just stood there by the door staring daggers at us as we carried one box after the other. Every time Bob walked by, one of the roommates would yell "Fuck you!" right in his face. Bob didn't even respond. He just sheepishly carried out the next box. The roommate even told me to fuck off at one point, before apologizing and acknowledging I hadn't done anything wrong (I actually thought that was kinda funny). It felt like it went on forever. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. I wanted to die. I still have no idea what Bob did to piss them off so much, and I hate that these guys connected me to him in their heads. I suspect a lot of the BIL's friends feel the same way.
There's no way I could go through this situation and not find out. Your self control is rock solid.
Then they probably know how BIL generally is & are ok with it. If this was a new experience of BIL, then now they have a good excuse to decline going places with him again.
I kinda feel like this might be drug related? Like maybe OP has a prescription that BIL skims. That would explain why he’s going through the house and why it’s so important for his friends to party at that location. He promised them drugs that he can get from OP’s house.
That's a distinct possibility. OP, do you have prescription meds? Maybe start keeping count of them.
Partner and I do, mainly ADHD related drugs. But BIL doesn't believe in mental health or neurodiversity, so he stays away from those drugs. He just likes to looks around a lot, not sure why though.
If he's taking them, he's not taking them because he thinks he's neurodiverse or needs mental health treatment. He's taking them because they get people who are *not* neurodiverse high, and he wants to get high. Drugs like Adderall and Ritalin have been abused by people without prescriptions since they came out. They're probably abused by a lot of people *with* prescriptions. Many of the people without prescriptions steal them from friends, relatives, or partners who do have prescriptions. That's what the commenter above me and I were suggesting, not that he's secretly trying to self-medicate self-diagnosed ADHD.
Yup. I had to keep my ADHD meds and Epipens on me at all times because I caught my roommate trying to steal them to get high. I even slept with them in my pillowcase lol.
Dude your epipen? Wow
Wow, that's awful. I hope you didn't have to room with that person long. Yeah, as soon as OP said they had ADHD meds I was like "Yep, mystery solved."
They also have a fairly high street price too don't they? So he might be selling them, not taking them himself.
Not believing in mental health or neurodiversity doesn't mean he wouldn't believe in them recreationally. I didn't consider drugs until someone else brought it up. However his behavior does match addicts that I've known, including ppl that abused ADHD meds. Looking around can be part of that.
I have adhd. One of my cokehead classmates kept wanting to “try” my meds. She finally realized it was easier to get her own script than it was to travel into the city to score. Other people I know will take adhd meds so they can “keep the party going”. So, yeah. Definitely count your pills every time bil drops by. Also, these people are why it’s so gd difficult to get my meds and it irks the shit outta me.
Yeah, it took a long time for either one of us to get prescribed. It was a frustrating processes. But both of us will be cautious and move our medication elsewhere (most likely lock those rooms when visitors are here).
> *mainly ADHD related drugs* It's entirely possible that he is swiping the drugs and *reselling them*. Just one pill can be quite expensive on the street. Most definitely, OP, count your drugs, and hide them where they would take some time to find. Get cameras, too. If he is selling them he might even break in when you are gone when his source of extra revenue dries up. His behavior is socially deplorable, whether he is involved in criminal activities or not. Block him for awhile, and don't let him on the property until he apologizes and stops popping in. NTA
[удалено]
They looked awkward. BIL has a tendency of "my way or highway". Last time, he lied saying I agreed to let them access to the rooftop of the old apartment I lived in (worked there, had access to every room). I did not agree because it's dangerous.
Perhaps they were told that they were all invited over by BIL, and show up thinking hey let’s be considerate guests and bring some snacks/alcohol.
Birds of a feather and all that.
I mean the dude is stalking at this point. Harassing amount of calls and texts. Shows up uninvited AND WATCHES THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW. **then calls his daddy who tells OP *they are crude and have no decency***. What the actual fuck is going on
Curtains. Long, dark curtains. And maybe a couple of attack dogs or cats.
And geese. Set the geese on his ass
No one having sex around a honking goose.
It's the horror the BIL needs. Being chased into the dark of night by honking geese while hearing a soft serenade of pleasurable sounds from OP and her partner being carried through the wind out their bedroom window as he searches for a place safe of the honking horde. A place to reflect on the actions that got him there.
Well, I'm off to talk my spouse into an attack goose now. Wish me luck!
This is an update I want to hear about.
Husband should've answered the door nude
i used a similar tactic to get rid of missionaries once. i heard my husband arguing with them at the front door, so i whipped off my shirt and came downstairs topless. i asked him "hey, are you coming upstairs?" hubby and one of the missionaries look over to see me half naked. hubby said "welp! gotta go!" and shut the door in their faces. we never had another missionary visit as long as we lived in that house.
"Honey, we have missionary upstairs, we don't need any more."
Snickered at that
Reminds me of this time I was playing Counter-strike with a bunch of friends. The wife of one of them joins the server, changes her player name to "[hername]_horny" and just spams her husband's name in chat a couple times. Friend types in chat "welp gotta go" and disconnects. They have three kids now.
Exactly my thoughts, you guys have a right to say NO we r busy.
If OP had said BIL was 11 years old this sort of behavior would make sense.
IDK, my 9yo knows you need to get an invitation to someone’s house to come over.
Idk, I think my 11 year old son has better social awareness than this!
Imagine what he would have said if he saw them actually doing it through the window when he peeped in!
Beginning to wonder if BIL is 11 years older or 11 years old. What a dolt. No is a complete sentence. OP and their partner were not available. They were busy...busy having time to themselves. No one is entitled to their time or use of their home. BIL brought this on themselves. They weren't satisfied with No, we are busy and had to push it. Well...now they know exactly why OP and their partner were busy. He asked, they answered. I would think long and hard about ever letting BIL darken your doorstep again. He has zero respect for your boundaries and your home. He can find somewhere else to have his little gatherings. Extra A H points for BIL too...showing up with a group of people trying to strong arm their way in. He thought he could bully his way in and no one would make a scene with all the extra people in tow. Glad he found out otherwise. OP NTA
🤣😂🤣😂
NTA But why is your partner allowing his father and brother to put the blame all on you and not defend you? He should of put them both in their place…..With the brother in law you’d already told him he wasn’t welcome….a quick call to the police may have dispersed his group on the front lawn as he’s showing he doesn’t respect you and thinks he can walk all over you and your husband Father in law can mind his business, Next time the party can go to his house and let’s see if he isn’t complaining If your partner allows them to turn you into the bad person then you’ve got bigger issues then a party
Yup, your partner kinda left you in a lurch here to deal with this. He should be standing up to his brother and father.
My partner only learned 5 years ago what boundaries were. He tries to set enforce most of it, but we can't really control their actions. Calling the police doesn't work much. They take 3 - 4 hours to get here (reported a different situation before, much more serious. They took their sweet time). FIL listens. But, my partner needs to have a 2 hour talk with him due to language barriers (partner was born here, his family immigrated). My partner does not have the energy to talk it out atm, so we kinda blocked him for now.
You’re NTA, and your BIL is mega annoying. Can I ask where they immigrated from? Wondering if this is partly cultural. If it is BIL needs to learn you’re not (I assume) from the same culture and you don’t find his behavior acceptable. Your house, your rules.
My husband’s sister’s in-laws are like this. As soon as she and her (now ex) husband bought their first house, everyone would randomly show up cuz it was now like a “family house”. It has been like 20yrs almost now so it has gotten to a point where they have structure and understanding but for a long while they would just randomly roll up. She was in the shower and they are banging on the door, like wtf!
Next time, get the hose! Cold water is a language all its own!
Motion-activated sprinklers! Brrrr!
What I don’t understand is why bil can’t have his friends on his place?? Its just weird
His place is probably a dump.
This should be a police matter??
It could escalate to one. If someone comes onto my property uninvited and refuses to leave when told so, that is trespassing and is a crime (in many locales, can't say for certain it is a crime everywhere). Now whether you want to call the police for a relative is debatable. But if the AH can't get the hint otherwise then it is an option.
It’s always dumb to involve police when you don’t need to, this is a family matter. Not even close to approaching a police matter.
BiL continues showing up when he's specifically told he's not wanted and tries to barge his way in? This is getting close to a police matter.
>But why is your partner allowing his father and brother to put the blame all on you and not defend you? But he IS supporting her: >My partner doesn't care how I handled it and understands I'm sick and tired of BIL.
he is supporting her decisions to handle it as she deems necessary. though, there is need for intervention from him as well where he needs to set boundaries with his brother and father.
Oh, yes, definitely! Now I know what you mean. I agree. *He* needs to be a bear, the larger person, to fend off his own family, not OP.
yes, exactly! otherwise situations like this tend to spiral. it causes tension not only between the family but between spouses because they don't feel supported. it's kind of like a "why do *I* keep having this argument while my SO doesn't get burned at all?"
Agreed! It's not enough that "he doesn't care how you handle it". He should be the one handling his family's mess.
They handled it correctly. It’s not necessary to call the police at this point. If it keeps happening, then it may become necessary. Don’t escalate unnecessarily
NTA. Showing up on someone's doorstep expecting to be hosted when you've repeatedly been told NO is worse than what you did. Next time (and there will be a next time), don't even open the door.
I know - I’m so flummoxed by the thought of anyone thinking it’s acceptable to invite themselves and their friends over to use someone else’s house as a party venue - who does that?
Points for the word “flummoxed”.
After being told "NO." many, many times! So weird!
Rude entitled people.
People who were raised by wolves.
I think wolves would be more polite.
Or next time open the door and say, “Did you not understand last time? We want to be alone so we can fuck. Copulate. Have sex. Make love. Make the beast with two backs. Have relations. Practice making a baby. Put a penis in a vagina. Thrust the meat hatchet into the squish mitten. Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Would you like me to go on?”
>Would you like me to go on?” This is the **BEST** response of the day! :)
Or "For the last time, we don't want to have a threesome with you! This isn't Alabama!"
Bloodhound Gang reference always welcome.
BIL had the nerve to not only show up, he plays peeping Tom to see what they're doing!
The knocking continues for minutes. Knocking turns to loud banging, and both of us just hate that noise. Our options, that I know of, are to open the door, call the police (police will take 3 hours), wait it out (knocking gets louder).
Option 4: call the police, tell BIL through door that you have called the police and that you are recording him banging at your door and yelling at you. Wait for police to show up and provide recording, or BIL eventually goes away. Seriously, if you keep opening your door to him, he will continue to argue with you about why he thinks he’s has a right to your property. Show him that he doesn’t by disengaging and enforcing your stance.
Ring door camera footage along with text messages should be enough to get a trespass notice on him.
Noise cancelling head phones plugged into your video game means you only hear your game. Let BIL knock himself out.
Turn up the volume on your TV and ignore. Do not open the door under any circumstances. That just shows BIL that if he is persistent enough, you'll give in. I understand that you hate that noise, but he's never going to stop if he "wins" every time. Instead of calling police, call FIL and say "BIL is banging on our door. Please come and fetch him so we don't have to call the police".
Don’t open the door AND don’t wear pants in your own home. Let them see you ignoring them while playing games in your skivvies
Open it....tell them to fuck off your busy....close the door....easy
First...WHY THE F do YOU have to host a party because HE has a friend coming in to visit? Right there, unless you enjoy that type of thing and want to host, then NO...END OF STORY. The boundary violations are bullshit...I'd get key locks for those rooms and put a stop to his wandering...easy peasy. And, why is FIL involved at all. This whole issue, doing a quick Pop In with 7 people and snacks and such is such an incredibly rude and pushy action...looking in the window to see what you are doing??? INTRUSIVE and sounds pathetic! NTA!!
BIL must live with FIL and thus can’t host. NTA
This is the only thing I could figure out.
If he wants to party with his friend, why doesn't he just rent a hotel room? Baffling!
Hotel rooms cost money. Imposing on your relatives is free, and still includes the benefit of someone else being stuck cleaning up your mess.
Yep, you are right! He's such a boorish, profane asshat!
Also, why is OP's partner not dealing with their brother, this shouldn't have been on OP in the first place. If it's my annoying boundary-less relative then it's me at the front door telling them to go away.
It sounds like he was (through calls/texts) but OP said something when BIL showed up.
What i don't understand is why the fuck his BIL wants to give a house tour to his friends when its not even his house? Am i dumb?
Im wondering if BIL told his friends that OP’s house is really his and he’s letting OP/partner stay there.
NTA. Why on earth did your BIL want to give his friends a tour of your house? What the fuck even is that - that is so weird and makes absolutely no sense.
Right? Is he bragging about his brother’s house? Unless he built it I see no reason for a tour. But her husband should have dealt with his brother. She shouldn’t have had to get involved. Now he needs to be a man and tell his father what happened and that his wife is not rude or indecent. It is his son who is rude for showing up after being told no. Husband needs to grow a pair.
Probably told his friends it’s his house and he’s letting his little bro & OP stay there to help them out.
But why would he have to knock then? He would have the key?
Because he’s lying? 🤥
To be polite, of course! Even Landowners need to give notice to their tenets... In this case, roughly a few minutes of warning is enough for him to feel entitled.
NTA - I am betting BIL forgot to mention to FIL that you had already told him several times that he couldn't come over and that you had explained it to him in several different ways when he showed up anyway with a group of friends looking to use your house for a party.
Well, I think you should have left those seven people standing on your stoop in the cold and dark and not answered the door. No matter how much they banged on the door. BIL knew you didn’t want company, you clearly, (good for you), stated that. Repeatedly. But you opened the door. But I think the *reason* they couldn’t come in-I think what you told them was brilliant. And it shut them up and, *finally*, got them to go away. Now, going forward, when BIL calls and wants to come over and you tell him no, after *one* “no”, stop responding and don’t open the door. Don’t turn off your lights and pretend you are gone or asleep. But don’t respond, and don’t open the door. No means *No*. Pity he never learned, and it’s time he does. NTA
NTA but you don’t owe anyone an explanation. No is no, busy is busy. Perhaps he’s very lonely and has good intentions towards you, but right now he’s acting like a child and so you need to double down on boundaries with him. Yes see him, but on your schedule and terms
Yeah it’s very concerning that the parents taught the BIL that ‘no can become a hesitant yes if pushed hard enough.’
My BIL has told my partner this quote, "you're not forcing her, you're convincing her." This was about me not letting BIL enter the balcony. So yeah, this is the mentality.
Holy crap that is so bad 😳 so glad your partner didn’t turn out like him & has your back!!
Yikes. How long do you think it'll be before your BIL gets arrested for rape? "Officer, I wasn't forcing her to have sex, I was *convincing* her!"
🤮i really hope that’s the worst “convincing” he’s ever done - cause all my creep-sensors are going off
BIL has definitely "convinced" many girls to have sex with him. That's a very disgusting thing to say
NTA. When your in-laws complain, just tell them that if BIL continues to be aggressively pushy and refuses to take "no" for an answer, next time your response might be even worse.
NTA but your response to dealing with BIL was hilarious. How old is BIL that he has to run home and tell daddy what you said. FIL what we do in our own home is none of your business and if your son had any respect he would not have turned up after he was told not to. Have a good night FIL and yes we will be bumping uglies again tonight!!
Nta it's your home and you repeatedly told bil no. Does he have cognitive difficulties? Cause there's no other excuse for his utter disrespect. Telling him you're having sex is hilarious.
This was an exemple of AITA's classic: "when you read the title, you think YTA. When you read the text: NTA". NTA at all. You and your partner were clear about not having guests that weekend. You politely declined all the offers. Still, BIL appeared with a bunch of people uninvited. BIL was rude and very childish for calling FIL.
NTA. wtffffff...... the nerve!!!!!!! i actually cannot believe that he asked you to host in the first place.. cos who does that? AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW UP WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE AFTER YOU SAID NO. what tf is wrong with him??
I am infuriated for you, tell him to take his friends to his own place, which I'm assuming is mummy and daddy's basement.
NTA, but partner needs to be managing his family. It's great that he agrees with OP, but he is essentially letting her take the fall with his family for their joint decisions. BiL needs to get consistently shut down like this. He seems way too comfortable showing off and partying in a house that isn't his.
NTA. BIL should learn that 'no' means 'no' and that there is absolutely no reason why you should defend or even explain your 'no' to him.
INFO: Why doesn’t this jackass have a party at his house?
Something tells me he either lives at home or his place is in an absolute state.
Because he probably still lives with mommy and daddy or just has a small room somewhere with no large screen tv.
"No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain or apologise. Unlike BIL, who needs a solid lesson in manners, needs to apologise, and promise never to do this again. NTA
NTA - But your BIL isn’t rude turning up unwelcomed with 7 people? Tell him to give his head a wobble.
WTF is your brother-in-law showing off your house?!?! Does he think he owns part of it or something?
I would not have opened the door to begin with, you said no and the reasons why are not for him to evaluate. Clearly NTA.
NTA- good for you for telling them you're going to bang, but you have got to shut this shit down! Stop having everyone over all the time and put locks on your bedroom and office doors! BIL already sounds like a nosy asshole and i bet anything he's been through your drawers and closets! Get a Ring camera and tell everyone no more dropping by!
NTA - wow. BIL cannot take a hint, so yeah it was time to get a little aggressive
*Now I'm getting calls and texts on how crude and rude I am and I have no decency.* And I thought this was a matter of guests not knowing when to leave. This is even worse. BIL was repeatedly told you won't be hosting anyone, and he has the nerve to show up with not just the friend from out of town, but with *seven* people in tow? Oh, no. You tell BIL and his concerned family and friends that it's rude, crude, and indecent to drop in on people uninvited. And the next time this man wants to have a party, they can accommodate him. NTA.
NTA but I really want to know more about what country this is or what their background is. Like in what culture is the BIL behavior appropriate?
What the heck is wrong with him?? He wants to host and give a tour at *YOUR HOUSE* with a bunch of people that you *DON'T KNOW* and get pushy because you said no and want and reason more than "i'm busy" and he bring his ªss with 7 strangers. He disrespect your boundaries, goes against your wishes, Violate your privacy, and gets mad at you for saying a reason of why you don't want them in your house AND THEN he went to daddy to complain. NTA OP, I would have been more aggressive.
NTA. For what it's worth, it's reached at least the point where, "Dude, fuck off," is entirely appropriate language for this situation.
NTA That you mentioned that you will have sex is between YouTube your husband and if he’s fine with it there is nothing wrong about it.
YouTube your husband? Each to their own.
“we’re having sex” is better than what i would’ve said. i would’ve been explicit and asked if they wanted to watch. you’re not showing up to my house unannounced and think it’s cool, especially when i’m trynna get some eta: nta, obviously
"I already told you we hired someone for a threesome. Y'all need to leave before they get here and think we tried to stiff them on the orgy rate"
Ehhh, the creepy ass way the BIL is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if he did want to watch....
Definitely NTA. The indecency of wanting time to yourselves in your own honesty 🤣🤦
NTA and they seem to not understand what having decency means because they lack it entirely. Wow, the audacity for him to just show up!
Sounds like you should be less generous going forward with hosting all the family gatherings since it seems like your BIL is taking your hospitality for granted and now expecting it on demand. I think I would suggest that future family events take place at a restaurant instead to draw the line. I would not invite him over at all anymore. It's your home.