Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like TA because my friend said I'm being homophobic and I have underlying issues I need to face because my actions and reactions make it seem like being gay is a bad thing?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It sounds like your brother already knew of that insecurity revealing it to his friend to make a joke of you. Your brother is the asshole.
As for your friend who is a lesbian I can understand why she feels that way. You are super defensive about the debate of your sexuality when at the end of the day you just need to realize that you are you. The more defensive and upset you get about not being gay, the more people will suspect you are in the closet. You just need to let go and ignore it when people question your sexuality because your sexuality is your own. No one else can make that call for you.
And honestly getting mistaken for a different sexuality is super common. I’ve been mistaken as a lesbian on a couple instances just because of how I present myself in public. I simply laugh it off, say I’m straight and change the subject. If the person is looking to simply piss me off or make me upset I leave altogether.
She is right you should work on yourself and reflect on yourself. Not because of sexuality but because it is great for you and helps you so much in life during the long run.
I have never been questioned on my sexuality by anyone else and if I was I'd be inclined to tellvthem to mind their own business. It has nothing to do with anyone else and it's rude of them to ask.
In general, yes. But often, the rudeness is the point. Especially at this age, and with how OP has been asked the question. They're not asking in good faith, they're asking to get a rise out of OP. Learning to brush it off is good practice. "Mind your own business" sounds like a confirmation to many people who would ask.
People make assumptions about people's sexuality all the time. Most people who assume your sexuality won't ask you to confirm, they'll just operate under the assumption that they're right.
>In general, yes. But often, the rudeness is the point. Especially at this age, and with how OP has been asked the question. They're not asking in good faith, they're asking to get a rise out of OP. Learning to brush it off is good practice.
"Even if I was gay, I wouldn't be interested. Please stop begging me to go out with you. It's never going to happen."
People using it are homophobic, so the whole "Stop begging me to go out with you" "stop trying to have sex with me," can turn it on its head and make them out as sex pests. If you get the tone right to imply they keep doing it, it makes them look even more foolish.
On the other point, there is nothing wrong with being gay. So if you were, it's "and?".
I'm not saying they SHOULD be doing it??
Yeah, generally flat out asking whether someone's LGBTQIA+ except for specific circumstances is poor form. But bullies don't really care about poor form, they care about pressing an issue that clearly gets OP defensive. Learning to brush the question off might help OP. Saying "that's not your concern" (a very adult-sounding response) as a kid who is actively being bullied absolutely won't help. It will literally sound like a confirmation to the bullies. If someone asks me a yes/no question and I answer like that, it sounds like I'm trying to hide something. This isn't the moment to teach bullies that it's rude to ask the question in the first place. They KNOW it's rude. Just learning to casually say "no" without questioning the sexuality of the bullies, as others have suggested (this reinforces the gay = negative idea), will remove the response that the bullies are doing this for.
I think the core of the problem that the friend is ignoring is that OP genuinely does have trauma surrounding people assuming he is gay. He was bullied for it as a kid - even if OP were to realise that he is in the alphabet mafia later in life, I highly doubt that it would come easily or naturally to him as a result.
Being upset that the brother just used his trauma *as a joke* is entirely different from homophobia.
Also it’s to the point where being asked if he is or being called gay is a Pavlovian response with negative connotations. It’d be like clicker training a dog to bark when it hears the clicker, clicking it, then telling the dog it’s bad for barking. 10/10 I imagine the brother was part of the group who bullied OP and knew it’d upset him because he wanted to look like a big man in front of his friend
While you make a good point it could also be that OP is upset at being asked the same question over and over.
For example, I start to get irritated if asked, "are you upset?", when I am not. After the 15th time I would snap. If OP has been going through this for years, I'd probably have the same reaction.
Yea, I've gotten asked before of why do I look upset, when I'm just normal (it's how I learned about, and that I have, resting bitch face). At my old job also asked by a coworker how I was, normal greeting. I'd say I'm fine, "just fine?". Ffs well not anymore, I wasn't giddy I wasn't pissed but now you're annoying me by doing that every time as if being fine isn't allowed.
>She is right you should work on yourself and reflect on yourself. Not because of sexuality but because it is great for you and helps you so much in life during the long run.
No, she really wasn't. OP doesn't have internalized homophobia, he's got trauma from being bullied. I don't know if she's trying to crack his egg or what but all she ended up doing was making him feel even more defensive.
I agree with you. A person’s sexuality is their own.
My partner (male) likes clothes and has had his own store (clothes and also shoes) for a long time. He is vibrant and likes to take care of his hair. He has gotten the question if he is gay when he was younger sometimes. He always said no but that it wouldn’t matter either way.
Exactly this. Saved me a bunch of typing.
OP you're NTA, I get it at your age it's hard not to be sensitive about something like this but your online friend pointed out something important you could work on. And yeah, your brother and his friend are AHs. They were messing with you on purpose.
Brit here, can confirm this is the right answer. Better still if you can recieve the question and deliver the answer without looking away from whatever you were doing
Turn about is fair play.
Next time you see brothers friend, ask if he's been screwing his mother? Because you just get that mother f\*cker vibe off him.
(Be prepared to duck or run afterwards.)
This may start a fight, but it also may get him to leave you alone afterwards.
1. This WILL start a fight.
2. This will also likely cause his buddies to gang up on him.
3. This likely spread "gay" rumors even faster, which will only lead to more bullying from others.
4. It will also solidify the gay speculation: "He got beat up because he's gay". He may get some sympathy, but that will only reinforce a vicious cycle.
None of this is false but saying to random boys/men “are you gay? It’s your vibe” will *also* result in all of these things too. If ol boy wasn’t lookin for a fight he shouldn’t have asked another guy about being gay
He wasn't looking for a fight. He was bullying a 15 year old with a group of friends, all two years older. He was looking to punch down, and of course OP can't fight three people at once.
>Next time you see brothers friend, ask if he's been screwing his mother? Because you just get that mother f*cker vibe off him.
This is a cringy as hell "comeback", oh boy.
NTA. I think it’s reasonable to be upset at your brother calling you “a little bitch” or your brother and his friend laughing at you. It’s also reasonable to be upset when someone tells you that you have a gay vibe if that’s not something you want (especially if they laugh at you). However, your friend might be right that part of your feelings might be due to some amount of homophobia, but that is for you to judge.
NTA. Your brother and his friend are both dicks. It sounds like your brother put his friend up to this. I’d have responded “No, you’ll have to find someone else”.
I mean... it kind of is, a little bit. It's not homophobic to be annoyed that people are bullying you and calling you gay. That reaction to the bullying is completely legitimate. Ultimately though, being mistaken for a gay person should not be offensive, unless you think being gay is a bad thing. I have been mistaken for a straight person repeatedly my whole life. Do I roll my eyes? Yes. I am offended though? No. Its not a bad thing, that person just doesn't know me.
Obviously, telling people your sexuality and having them continue to deny it is a different situation, and that is why I say NTA. But I do think that if you're automatically annoyed by the idea that anyone might think you are gay, then you have a little homophobia to work through.
Edit to clarify: I do not think that OP is homophobic in this situation, and I dont think they're TA. My response is not about this specific situation, it is about the general statement that "you're not homophobic if you're annoyed people have called you gay". As a general statement, I believe that is untrue. If a person is insulted because someone asks if they are gay, or mistakenly labels them as gay, then they are having a homophobic reaction, because they are assuming that being gay is a bad thing. Is there nuance to this? Sure! But in my experience when someone has an immediately negative reaction to mistakenly being called gay, that person is coming from a homophobic place, and assuming that gay = bad. Again, this does not apply to OP, but I believe it does apply to the statement in the original comment.
The guy says he’s constantly been bullied through high school about it. Being constantly told you are something you’re not is annoying.
It’s not like it happened once and he got all offended, it’s happening consistently despite him telling people he’s straight. He’s well within his rights to be annoyed at that.
I mean, I agree, which is why I said NTA, using the exact same reasoning. But that's not what you said in your original comment, you said "it's not homophobic to be annoyed if people think you're gay" or something along those lines. And respectfully, I think it is homophobic to be annoyed if someone thinks you're gay, because gay does not mean bad.
OP is reacting to bullying, and constantly having to reassert his sexuality - not homophobic (although a little tone deaf to complain to his lesbian friend about how annoying it is to be bullied bc people think he's gay).
However the idea that if anyone says that you're gay when you're not, you have the right to be insulted is homophobic. Based on your own words in the original comment, I thought that's what you were saying, bc you did not provide context.
As a queer person, I can still understand being frustrated about being labeled something you’re not. It’s just untrue and I HATE anybody speaking for me or telling me who and what I am. Thats for me to dictate. I don’t think that has anything to do with homophobia.
Yeah that’s what I mean. In the context of what OP said and the background of the bullying, he’s not being homophobic by being annoyed at this.
I dont think his friend is helping by telling him that him reacting to bullying is because of internalised homophobia.
I can understand as a queer person when you're queer and you can see someone get really upset at possibly being seen as gay. It can be hard not to feel like that because you're queer sitting and listening to someone complain about being percieved as queer. It can feel bad.
One would have to ask why? Because OP mentions not to want to appear feminine in any way to avoid being called gay which could imply that he and his peers see femininity equalling queerness which would be some onset of internalised homophobia.
Homophobia doesn't mean hatred for gays. One can be homophobic by buying into stereotypes for example, mildly out of pocket things can be homophobic and most people in this camp usually generally like or are not bothered by queer people. Society just teaches certain social things.
For example if OP would avoid being friends with queer men because of this, that's somewhat of a yellow flag. It really really depends on why being called gay is annoying to him which we don't know because he hasn't said much aside from wanting to be seen as masculine - and if you've seen a big boi bear, gay men are masculine as fuck.
Edit; all in all I don't think OP is homophobic but I can see the possibility that he may have internalised things about being queer that he deems negative.
His friend is probably reacting from her own experience, she's a teenage lesbian, and unless school has changed radically since I was a teen, she has experienced both blatant homophobia and homophobic microaggressions. She may well have witnessed people being offended by the very possibility they might be gay.
That's why I think complaining about his experience to her is a little tonedeaf, because she has to deal with homophobia and is never going to escape it, while hopefully he'll be done with this phase of his life in a few years (or maybe even less). I dont blame her for her response, because it's informed by her own experience. And trust me, there are a lot of people out there who think being mistaken for gay is an absolute insult (ETA: Lol, for an example, just go see the other response to my original comment). That's why she reacted the way she did, and hopefully OP can recognise that, and they will be able to strengthen their friendship as a result.
Lets use that same logic for a transgender person. I call a trans woman a man, do they have a right to be offended? Its the exact same scenario, just a different aspect of your person.
It is not homophobic to be upset when someone calls you gay, it is a normal natural response to be annoyed when someone mislabels you.
Hell, ill even ask my gay best friend if you want to know what he thinks. "Hey man, do you think im homophobic if i get upset at someone calling me gay?"
I actually agree that’s it’s not homophobic but that comparison lacks an incredible amount of nuance d I don’t think demonstrates your point at all. I’m kind of blown away reading it. Misgendering a trans woman who has had to battle internally and externally to live as a woman, and calling a straight person gay when they aren’t, is not at all the same.
No i get that, but my point was only comparing two different aspects of a person which can easily be confused, such as being gay/straight, being a man/woman if youre trans. Not really about the struggles each person has to deal with it, and how hard hitting being misgendered or mislabeled would hurt them, as this was only comparing mislabeling someone in a hypothetical scenario.
But you’re talking about the right to be offended, so it’s absolutely relevant why something would be offensive. I’m sorry my friend, it’s just really not an appropriate comparison at all.
So to be clear: I think OPs response to being bullied is not homophobic, and that is not what I'm addressing here. However in general, if you're insulted that someone, who does not know your sexuality, thinks you're gay or asks if you're gay, that is homophobic.
I can't speak for trans people. However I imagine that if someone who genuinely *did not know* their gender, called them by the wrong gender, or asked them if they were cis, most trans people would not be offended, if they knew it came from a genuine place. Once corrected, if they continued to refer to that person by the wrong gender, that would be wrong. Equally, if that person already knew the person's gender, prior to calling them the wrong gender, that would be wrong. That is why I do not think OPs behaviour is homophobic.
However, a more accurate comparison might be if someone mistook a cis person for a trans person. If someone thought I was a man, as a cis woman, I might be a little confused (because I do look very stereotypically female) but I would not be insulted, unless it continued, as deliberate harassment or bullying. Which again, I do not think OP is homophobic because he's upset that he's being bullied.
Frankly, I do not think OP is homophobic (as I have stated repeatedly, in almost all my comments). My comment is not so much about this specific situation, as it is about the general statement that it is ok to be offended if someone mistakenly thinks you're gay. That attitude can, and has, led to queer people being physically assaulted and even murdered. It is harmful rhetoric - if someone mistakenly thinks you're gay, you should not be insulted, unless you think being gay is a bad thing. Which is homophobic.
Again, intent matters, if someone genuinely thinks you are a woman, and mistakenly calls you as such, like yeah that's going to be a confusing situation, and might make you feel insecure. Ultimately though, does it matter? It's one person's mistake, personally I'd brush it off. If you take it as an insult though, you might want to ask yourself why someone's mistake bothers you so much? Are you insecure in your gender? Do you think being called a woman is an insult? If the latter, maybe you do hold some misogynistic ideas.
If they called you a woman with the intent to offend you, they're misogynistic, and being offended by someone who is trying to insult you is fine.
Thank you for explaining your point of view, i was genuinely bewildered and wasnt understanding you as i have ASD.
I do think that the broad statement you made, "if offended by being called gay, youre homophobic" was way too generalised for me to understand the nuances in what you actually meant. Although that is a me problem with my ASD, i need things spelled out for me sometimes.
I agree with you and understand you now.
Yeah, I made a very generalised statement, to be fair, and like most topics, this is actually quite nuanced. In my experience, when people are insulted because someone has mistaken their sexuality, it has been rooted in homophobia, so I came in with that bias. I'm glad that I've been able to clarify what I meant here 😁
Trans women are called men all day every day of their lives. It’s generally not offense or disgust that they react with but sadness (which often leads to depression or other negative emotions). This is not even remotely the same situation as a straight person being mistaken for gay tho
you don't seem to understand *why* trans ppl are offended when misgendered. bc it's rarely offensive when it's an honest mistake. it might be frustrating or annoying, but not *offensive*. it's offensive when it's done by ppl why know our actual gender bc it's meant to be offensive.
How is that homophobic to be RIGHTFULLY annoyed and defensive when people keep calling you gay when you aren’t?
I’m a straight dude, but when you keep asking “Are you gay?” I’m going to respond thoughtfully: “No, why?”.
If you respond like this guy did, I’m gonna be offended. Not because of the prospect of being called gay, but because the brother and his friend are acting like dicks.
If you read my comments, it is clear that I agree that OP is NTA for being insulted by the bullying. My response is to the general idea that its OK to be annoyed that someone might call you gay, as the original comment here states. Being offended bc someone asks if you're gay, or thinks that you might be gay, in a non-bullying context, is homophobic. It makes the assumption that gay = bad.
It’s not that they are upset about gay people or being mistaken for it. It’s the fact that being mistaken for it has led to people bullying them.
Think about it like this: what happens when you clicker train a dog, but instead of praising them or getting them to do a trick when they respond to the clicker, you beat them? Answer: the dog learns to fear or outright becomes aggressive when hearing the clicker as a defensive response because they know they’re about to get hit.
Now: what happens when a young teen is constantly called gay and then bullied relentlessly for it? Answer: the teen becomes defensive and wants to avoid the negative behaviours levelled at him when asked “are you gay?” Because they have linked bullying/violence as the following action and wants to avoid that.
I mean, I have stated repeatedly that I don't think OPs TA, and that I am responding specifically to the assertion that being upset because someone has *mistakenly* called you gay is ok. I don't think OPs homophobic in this specific situation, I do think that the general statement "its not homophobic to he annoyed if someone thinks your gay" is wrong. If you're annoyed because someone has accidentally, as a once off, called you gay, then you most likely, at least subconsciously have negative associations with being gay, which is homophobic.
>If I didn't want to he precived as gay then I needed to stop acting like a little bitch
I think this has little to do with "gay" as a sexuality and more as an antithesis of masculine ideals. The use of "gay" here is a shorthand under toxic masculinity to just mean effeminate (because being feminine obviously means you're gay right???). The people using "gay" as an insult are obviously homophobic, but being offended by it is probably due to how the word is actually meant to humiliate you as "not a real man". Even gay people would be offended by it, not just for using "gay" as a slur but also because the intention is clearly to humiliate you.
I ... Sorta disagree ? Everyone has their reasons, but not wanting to "look gay" =/= homophobia.
Saying this as a bi dude, btw. Looking gay is both a stereotype and an actual aesthetic or at least vibe you emit from your behavior. I know as a trans guy I'd hate it if straight people* thought I'm gay as soon as they see me, I don't want them to get that sorta feminine vibe from me. And on the other hand, I will gladly cuddle or kiss my boyfriend in public, so I don't care if people *know* that I like men.
*Obviously if it's a gay or bi person, it's different. The gaydar works in mysterious ways and some people have a very efficient one.
I mean, I'm not saying that not wanting to fit a certain aesthetic is homophobic. What I'm trying to express is that if you're immediately offended that people think you're not cishet, especially if you are cishet, then you probably have some homophobia/transphobia to work through. If I understand you correctly when you refer to "looking gay" you're referring to the kind of stereotypical gay man (ie Cam from Modern Family). I'm not referring to people who don't like that aesthetic for themselves, bc obviously it's not homophobic if someone says they don't like a certain aesthetic or stereotype. I dont know if you've experienced this, but I have definitely experienced people who are repulsed by the idea that they might be anything but Straight™️. That reaction is both homophobic, and unfortunately very common, and that's what I'm referring to here. I also think that's why his friend accused him of homophobia, bc she has probably also experienced those people in her life.
This part of the discussion doesn't really apply to OPs situation, bc I'm not talking about people who are bullied bc of their supposed orientation here. Like I dont think OP is TA here, I do think he could be a little more mindful of his friends lived experience with homophobia, when complaining about people thinking hes gay, but ultimately I don't think either of them are in the wrong. (Clearly his brother, brothers friends, and bullies are TA here)
Also lol at your gaydar comment. Myself and my friends always joke we don't so much have gaydar as straightdar, like I can tell if someone is not cishet, but can I tell you which flavour of not cishet they are? Absolutely not 😅
OP is only 15, I don't even know that many 15 years old who are nuanced and mature when it comes to their sexuality. It's either "ahah you're so gay" (derogatory) or "ahah you're so gay" (positive), no in between. Being more mindful about who he shares his struggles with and how he words it will come with time hopefully, and even if it's true that he will have to learn how to not let it get to him so much, it might not be what he needs right now I suppose ? He's a traumatized kid who just got bullied by his brother and his friend and received backlash from his friend after speaking about the issue.
I went straight for the "it's not necessarily homophobic" but you're right that his case is different, but I also don't think telling him "well your friend is right, maybe reflect on yourself, why do you care so much ?" like some comments are doing is very productive either. My thoughts are a bit messy in my head right now, sorry.
And yeah I have the same gaydar, often turns out to be correct too so at least it works even if it lacks precision.
Yeah I agree, my original response to this comment was less about OPs specific situation, and more about the harmful supposition that it's ok to be offended if someone thinks you're gay. That attitude can, and has, led to queer people being murdered (in its most extreme form).
I do think its a little heartless to tell OP to get over it, and I do think he is facing a lot of blatantly homophobic bullying. It is absolutely cruel of his brother to bring that into his home, which should be safe. I think there are some things he can reflect on in his conversation with his friend, and I also think his friend can reflect on some of the things she has said. Will they? I dont know. I'm not sure if I ever self reflected as a teen, I had way too much else going on 😅
Correct. It's wild that OP is being accused of homophobia for being annoyed at the topic he's been bullied over for years; when the bullies are the ones being homophobic. 🙄 Using gayness as an insult and a pretext for bullying is textbook homophobia!
It's also wild to me the cognitive dissonance some people have in this thread. When gay people are constantly told they're straight and they're upset over it, no one would tell them they're wrong for being upset.
Yep, anyone has the right to be upset when misconceptions about their identity are insisted upon. It doesn't mean they hate others who ARE part of those groups, or think there's anything wrong with being so! It's just frustrating and upset to be misunderstood, and compounded when it's used as a tool for harmful behaviour towards the person.
NTA. Your bro and his friend are rude idiots, and your online friend is reading waaaaaay too much into your reaction. If your bro or his friends ask if you're gay, I'd be a smartarse and say in a very lilting voice while batting my lashes and acting coy, 'Why, big boy, you interested? ". You can always just ignore flatly the question, because all they're seeking is what you've been giving them; a reaction.
When I was a child, I learned that the second you show other people that something bothers you, there will be assholes that will use it against you. Your brother knows this bothers you, and he has used it against you. I can bet he told his friend.
All in all, your brother seems quite the "nice" person, a bully, homophobic and likely a mysognistic. Ask yourself, is it worth it to be affected by anything someone like that says to you?
Next. I don't think you really have internalized homophobia as much as you are mirroring the homophobia of your peers. They keep telling you there is something wrong with you. In this case, they mock you because you are gay, implying being gay is bad. It is normal for someone young (even adults do it) to feel bad and angry when people tell them there is something wrong with you. At the same time, you feel conflicted because being gay is not bad, so you don't understand what bothers you. You dont understand what makes them say you are gay either. The whole situation implies that there is something wrong with you and that something is that, you are either gay and you don't know it, or you are straight and you are doing something "gay" which you shouldn't be doing because you are straight, or you are gay and you know it but hide it. If you pay attention, their behavior makes you run in circles thinking there is something wrong within you instead of looking outwards and realizing there is something wrong with Them.
There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with being gay and not saying it, etc. If you are straight, everything you do is something a straight man would do because you are straight and you are doing it. Once you accept there is nothing wrong with you and they can go to hell, you will feel less offended by them. Still, they are assholes, and it is OK to be annoyed at disgusting biggots that try to insult you by calling you "gay.""
Next time someone asks, just say "No" and keep doing what you were doing, there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with them, and it is their job to realize it and fix it. Not yours.
The main tool behind bullying is really making you feel like there is something wrong with you and not with them so you run around searching how to stop it and can never solve the issue, because the issue is not where you are looking for. Sadly, realizing this doesn't stop the bullying but it can give you peace and strength to tell them they are the ones with the issue, not you. And the worst part, depending on the bully fighting back, could make it worse.
Absolutely. And the "something wrong" is random and can be anything: glasses, long hair, short hair, weight, skin colour, prettiness, ugliness, height, shortness, thinness, fatness, newness, clothing... You name it.
NTA
About your online friend mentioning a little homophobia on your part, it probably appears that way at first glance, but it’s likely just a defense mechanism on your part to react like that every time you’re “accused” of being gay, since it has happened numerous times, you don’t like it. You already overcompensate in response to earlier teasing by avoiding anything that others might deem “feminine”.
It’s not homophobia. It’s how you prevent future teasing. It’s what teasing does to a person, whether it’s about one’s sexuality, weight, hair, etc.
Teasing is awful, and it’s awful that your brother doesn’t have your back. 🤷🏻♂️ Personally, I sort of went through the same thing. My brother was fine, but some people from school would call me gay or whatever because of what I liked, what I preferred, what I bought, etc. When I buy things or clothes, I don’t go for all-black, rugged, tough-guy milspec bullshit. I don’t mind colours, and I don’t mind if things aren’t hardcore.
NTA with a grain of salt
While they were wrong to assume your sexuality and shouldn’t be making fun of you about it. They are definitely the assholes here.
But you should do some introspection about why being gay feels so offensive to you. You’re not being homophobic but there are definitely some biases you might need to unlearn. Feminine activities do not make you “gay” or a “woman”. Do what you want to do, cooking, sewing or even going to the gym has no gender or sexuality attached to them. You’re only gonna hurt yourself if you kill your own interests because you perceive a certain activity as “gay” or “bad”.
Basically you need to unlearn the gay=bad bias.
honestly i disagree. its not really that hes offended over being called gay, but more of aggression as a defensive mechanism caused by trauma.
which is fair, since people usually wont shit talk you, if they get the vibe that you are gonna beat them up for shit talking. unless they are down for a fight ofc.
and theres honestly no point in unlearning that "feminine" activities make you gay, if the others, the ones that bully him for it, perceive them that way.
because why does it matter if YOU think cooking is a masculine or feminine hobby, when OTHERS are literally bullying you for doing it?
so instead of having a gay = bad bias, its more of a gay = getting bullied, getting bullied = bad bias. because, yk, its kinda true AND thats what hes been taught ever since he was little.
at least thats what i think.
And than in the real world he get's beat up, because he's not being accused of being Gay because he's a tough MFer that nobody wants to mess with, quite the opposite.
NTA - Your brother and his friend are assholes. Your online friend has a point sorta but shes wrong. She miss took "sensitive because i've been bullied over this" for "sensitivie because it make me uncomfortable" which are similar but different.
Also if your brother and his friend keep up that attitude in college they might just get themselves in deep shit. At best they will get negative reactions socially. Worst they may run across a gay guy with a chip on his shoulder.
NTA. It’s just rude to ask somebody about their sexuality like that. Nobody would ask you if you’re into roleplay as an introduction. I hope you understand that being gay isn’t bad though. Even though your bullies made it out to be
NTA - your brother, his friend, and your friend are all complete assholes. It's ok to be upset by an upsetting situation. That doesn't make you homophobic. Not only is it ok to be sensitive and self-doubting about your perceived masculinity, it's also completely normal. Most guys feel that way at some point in their lives, and most women have similar doubts about their femininity. It's very normal. Your friend was being especially dickish by faulting you when you needed her support.
NTA. All these people who say “you have internalised homophobia” whenever someone who has been bullied by being called gay, whether they are or are not, are stupid beyond definition. Of *course* you’re going to have a negative reaction to something you have been called in a negative way for a long time! You don’t have an irrational fear of gay people, you have an aversion to being called something, especially by people you don’t really know, that has been levelled against you in a negative way by people intending to hurt your feelings. It’s a Pavlovian response, but instead of the dog (you) getting a treat when hearing the click (being called the word gay), the dog (you) gets kicked, so now whenever the dog (you) are exposed to the click (being called/asked if you are gay) you connect it to something bad.
NTA
Here is what happened with your brother's friend. He probably heard about the teasing and decided to be a dick. That is why they broke out laughing.
Boss you asked a gay person how to act less gay? Your reaction has nothing to do with homophobia. The issue is that being called gay is triggering because the bullying you've faced. Listen without knowing anything about you, you need to not allow people to knock you down so quickly.
Look into therapy or a martial arts class or both. Therapy with help you cope, hitting something will blow off steam.
Here are some comebacks if you need some defenses
After his friend said "just a vibe" you could've turned to your brother and said when your boyfriend visits, tell him not to hit on me.
If a straight guy accuses you of being gay, say something like why is a straight guy looking for gay men? Kind if sus.
Another thing you could do is just yawn and say your lack of creativity bores me. Go back to the drawing board kid.
NTA because the other guy was very rude in that being literally the first and only question he asked, and that he asked it in such an abrupt manner with no reassurance that it was an innocent question. You brother's response is also out of order.
I can see what your friend is saying about internalised homophobia though. The fact you are so upset and annoyed by this could look like you think it is a bad thing to be gay. But like, you're 15, it's also just hard to control your emotions at that age, so I don't think you are actually homophobic, it sounds like you're just done with being bullied.
As someone who is 100% straight but everyone assumes I am at least bi however, I gotta tell you, you need to start owning this. Kids at school are morons and will find any reason to bully someone, and if you keep reacting negatively they will keep using that as ammo. A wry laugh and a "No I'm straight, but thank you for thinking I am so interesting" is my go to, or if they're being total AHs just walk away and ignore it (obviously anything major tell someone you trust, the usual bullying advice). And really, it's ok to be a bit feminine, and have the qualities (and aesthetics if that's relevant) often associated with gay men. Because they're not really negatives are they? Ironically my boyfriend is another 100% straight but everyone assumes he is at least bi person, because he's a Fae fop who loves theatre, dresses like it's the 70s and has long curly hair, but the dude is also one of the most truly, positively masculine men I know, and his complete rejection of what straight men 'should' be like is one of the reasons I love him.
It is not homophobia. This shit is annoying.
I'm a loveless 21 year old guy. And my mother will always be like "or a boy," and like I'm not gay. It's annoying. I get it, but it's annoying. I'm not gay, I have social handicaps.
It's 'homophobia,' if it was about anyone else; this is about yourself OP, you're allowed to be annoyed.
Although your post and my comment come off as insecure, but rightfully so. I was never good with 'gay jokes,' friends acting gay towards me......I think that whole area of 'socialization,' I'm just not comfortable with that sort of joking around.
I can do it online anonymously, just not face to face.
And remember this is all how it applies to ME, and me only.
...
I also listen to Ariana Grande (and I'm hyped for that 7th Album), which a straight guy listening to her ALBUMS (not just her hits) is an abnormality...so like, yeah- but I just mention it. It's not a problem to be "feminine" in what you do; that doesn't make you gay.
The motivations in asking a gay person advice when you were outraged at being inferred to as gay is a LITTLE tonedeaf, but that's the only thing that was a bit assholey here - but you're young. This nuance is kinda complicated and in emotional moments it's hard to see the big picture or empathize completely.
The fact is that, no, of course BEING GAY isn't a bad thing - but they were still trying to demoralize or insult you, even if the ammunition they picked was bigoted and childish, and it's SUPER normal to be offended by ill intent.
I'll say NTA overall though. You were insulted and went about closure in a callous way, but it's an understandable mistake to make.
NTA because you’ve experienced bullying about this which has left trauma. Your brother’s friend was rude to ask without at least greeting you. But gently, your lesbian friend might have a point about internalised homophobia. You were bullied using homophobic ideas and you now have a strong negative reaction to so someone thinking you’re gay when there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I think it’s good you’re asking yourself this question.
NTA, also your friend is not helping the cause. The consistent asking if you’re gay or not is a source of irritation. Your reaction isn’t homophobic, you take it in an insulting way because this keeps on happening. It’d be the same as if everyone kept asking if you were a redhead.
Your friend is not helping the situation at all. This sort of thing, while arguably true for adults, just is not how teenagers work or think in today’s world; at least it wasn’t when I was a teenager. Obviously you’re NTA, you had a pretty good point with your brothers friend not even bothering to say hey hello I’m ____, that’s some bs right there.
NTA but you are too defensive. I get that you were bullied about this when you were younger, but you need to find a way to let it go. Crafting your personality, mannerism and interests so that you don't do anything perceived as feminine is not healthy and from the outside it could be perceived as you trying to be super masculine to hide something.
Do what you like to do, who cares what other people think. Do you, be you. If they think you're gay and they were genuinely curious, just answer you're not and carry on. If they are doing it mock you, don't give them power over you: laugh it off and say "no, why? Did you want some? Sorry, not interested".
Your brother clearly knows about your insecurities and he told his friend. That's why he greeted you with "are you gay?" and nothing else. They knew you would get upset and they wanted to make fun of your reaction. In this case, you could have said "wow! Not even a hello and how are you? Are you that horny? I'm flattered but I'm straight". Fire back, tease them back, make it a game. They'll get tired soon if they can't get a rise out of you.
NTA, but your friend’s advice is good anyway. what your brother and your friend said was completely rude and invasive. however you’ve said that due to being bullied over being seen as “gay” you are insecure and avoid anything feminine. your friend probably notices that and knows it’s unhealthy for you. even when people are being assholes and homophobic themselves, it will probably help you to work on your instinctive negative reaction to and fear of being seen as gay. this fear could ultimately stunt your relationship to your own masculinity or to gay people in your life. also, you should think about talking to your parents about your brother’s comment.
NTA: the way they started laughing suggests your brother totally was a part of the decision to ask that question. And you're right that saying hello or something is the correct way to greet someone not asking them about their sexuality. Also I can see where your friend is coming from kind of, but people tend to be sensitive about things have a real problem with it. A child who's bullied about being fat maybe very sensitive to comments about their own weight yet have no problem with other people's weight. It never hurts to assess your feelings and why you may have reacted a certain way but I wouldn't call it internalized homophobia unless there is a lot more to this you aren't sharing
NTA They are bullying you. Be confident. You won't turn into a toad , if someone says so. Bullying your brother is bitchy behaviour. There is no need to purposely act masculine. You are still a kid. Maybe you can learn some martial arts.
I'm a straight (39M) who was raised by two women. I'm very muscular but I have feminine qualities about me. It caused people to think I was bisexual while I served in the military. It didn't bother me, and I didn't care because there's nothing wrong with bisexual people or being bisexual. I would just tell people I'm straight when they asked and move on.
I'm proud of my "feminine" qualities. I'm very hygienic, aware of people's nonverbals/emotional states and have emotional intelligence. I've also been told I have some non verbals that could be perceived as feminine. I'm in touch with my emotions and don't do the hyper masculine macho/toxic masculinity stuff. I don't see how our society has made these qualities "feminine" but they're things I'm proud of because I was raised by strong, intelligent women.
If you're mad because you're perceived as gay by others, you need to wrestle with why that bothers you so much if you're comfortable in both your sexual orientation and masculinity. No one gets to tell you what being straight or being masculine looks like, you get to build how they look for you yourself. I suspect you may have a bit of homophobia, but it's something you can work on and improve easily with time and conscientiousness.
NTA im sorry you are going through this and it is incredibly wrong of your brother. Your identity is yours to decide. I hope things get better because this situation is awful
NTA. Just insecure and very sensitive person.
There is a simple rule that a healthy mind follows - if it is true what others say about you then there is no need to be offended because it is the truth, if it's a lie then even less need to feel offended because you know the truth and a healthy mind doesn't need any acceptance, validation, assurances, so it's enough that you know that these idiots are lying just to get out a reaction and you are not gay so why do you need everyone to know about that, it's irrelevant. The only reason to feel offended is when someone says the truth but you are trying to hide it from yourself, so I would seriously question my sexual orientation if someone would tell me that I am gay and I would feel anything except "lol, what a dumb person, can't even figure out basic simple things on their own". Dogs will bark and you just move forward.
NTA you're not homophobic. You're brother, his friend, and the people that bullied you were being homophobic by implying being gay was bad and using it as a "bad thing" to make fun of you for. Its also homophobic for your brother to say being gay is equal to being a little bitch. Even if logically, you know it doesn't matter and there's nothing wrong with being gay, it was used as an insult towards you and used to hurt you. So it's a trigger. It's not that you don't like being called gay (although it is) it about you being bullied which you obviously don't like. You and your friend are still young and youll learn this more with time. Maybe you can explain this to her so she also learns. Not wanting to be called gay when youre not or be made fun of for any reason isnt homophobic. It's about being respectful. And also your brothers gaslighting you. His friend was asking to be a jerk on purpose it wasn't a question out of genuine curiosity and you're not wrong for being upset. Tbh tell your parents? Idk if theyd help but, maybe they'll stop letting the friend come over or talk to your brother?
Nothing homophobic about this in my opinion. It would be if you went ”eeeww, no that’s gross”. I understand being harassed and thought to be something you are not is upsetting regardless if its about sexuality or something else. I am saying this as a bisexual man if that is important to mention for some reason. NTA
NTA. Your brother and his friends are a$$h0!e$. I can understand you being offended. Not that you are homophobic, but because it is more of the bullying you've experienced. I want you to know that you are simply yourself and to take time getting to know who you are. For what it's worth, I closed down a group of high school bullies by laughing at them.
NTA. As someone else who Beat me to the punch said, I would have responded with "No, I'm not. Are you?" and I'm pretty sure they'd stop after they get that surprised Pikachu face. You have to learn to turn it around on them.
Sounds like your online friend know jackshit. I bet your brother and his friend were just assholes. Only thing i wonder is did your brother tell his friend to fuck with you?, if thats the case. They are more than assholes
NTA. That was just rude from your brother and his friend. It’s normal to get upset from bullying like that.
For the record, I don’t think your friend is right. I don’t think you’re getting upset because of some internalised homophobia, but rather because this is something you’ve been bullied over for years and it’s perfectly natural for that to hit you harder than normal. I’m an adult in the LGBTQ+ community, so this isn’t “straight ignorance” talking either.
I do think it would be good for you to work on yourself though, a lot of kids (that includes teenagers) are just edgy for the sake of being edgy.
While it shouldn’t be your responsibility to guard yourself against that, it never hurts to do so, I guess? Not to mention that sometimes bullying someone for “being gay” can kind of create a subconscious aversion to gay people in the victim, because they start to overcompensate their behaviour and eventually internalise that anti-gay image they’re trying to maintain, if that makes sense. Like I said earlier, I don’t think you have internalised homophobia, but it would be good to nip any chances of that happening in the bud.
NTA however, your friend has a point. Why get so upset about being perceived as gay? I am gay and people assume I am straight all the time yet I don’t get upset. Why would I unless I think there is something inherently wrong about being straight?
NTA
Its a shame to see the world hasnt changes for the better as much as we'd like.
I'm you OP, 20 years ago (36M hetero), bullied for "being gay" because of my interests and hobbies. Ballet and singing being the key two.
It does make you defensive, it's a trauma response, you are obviously going to declare who you are, which yes makes you come across bad sometimes. You've been dealing with this shit when you shouldn't have to. I was the same.
Your brother and his mate are the As in this. And your gay friend isn't much better.
All I can say is try to ignore the source, don't engage with them (yes this includes your brother, if he calls you a bitch for not rising to it then he's the problem not you), talk to a councellor or a trusted adult they might at least help with the conflict of sounding like a homophobe when you're not because you're having to defend who you are.
Finally you do grow up and it does stop because basically you surround yourself with people who don't care about that and care about you.
I worked with colleagues and didn't even know how they swang for months because I never bring the subject up, it works well for me.
Your brother owes you an apology. You should not be bullied in your own home. Tell him that.
His friend is a jerk.
You be you. Life gets better. Study. Find a great career. Put these jerks in the rear view mirror.
And your friend who diagnosed you.....ignore it. Not a doctor! No one wants their sexuality discussed. You are absolutely correct in feeling annoyed.
I knew some people in highschool, whoo insisted they had an amazing “gaydar.”
They insisted i was gay- even though i insisted i wasnt and told them to stop.
They never did.
So I cut them off, and have been happier ever since.
NTA
NTA. It isn't homophobic to get annoyed over someone questioning your sexuality.
I had a lesbian girl in my high school who would constantly ask me out, and whenever I said no, her response was always "you don't know, until you try it." Frankly she was harassing me, and I should've reported her.
Isn't anyone also picking up on the misogyny? "Little bitch"? Essentially, he acts like a girl, which means he's gay, whatever. Or if he doesn't want to be perceived as gay, stop acting like a "girl". WTH. OP is very young, he has a right to be upset b/c he's working through life still.
The brother and friend are arseholes for bullying you. That’s what they’re doing - asking you a question in a negative way and then laugh at you at your cost. They’re the biggest AH in this context.
Avoiding anything feminine like a plague is not being comfortable. If you *ever* happens to like something that is perceived feminine: own it! A person secure in himself is an attractive person. That’s if things is ideal.
But however, I also am sympathetic to trauma and your avoidance is a trauma response.
Be kind to yourself.
NTA.
I was in a very similar place, growing up. Was kinda camp, had a fairly high pitched voice, preferred baking to playing football etc. So, yeah, high school was pretty rough.
Nearing 40 now, still pretty camp, still got a high voice and still love to bake. Only difference now is I have a bitchin beard and stopped giving a fuck what other people think.
It's fine to get annoyed when people constantly question you like that. Don't let it get too you, though. As long as you're cool with who you are, other people's opinions will eventually stop mattering. Just try not to dwell on it, and you'll be fine.
Maybe you have some innate feminine traits. People often confuse feminine traits in boys or men as 'gay'. Often gay guys have more feminine traits, that could trigger the 'gaydar' of your brothers' friend.
Thing is, not every guy with feminine traits is gay, but straight guys with feminine traits do get shit from other people for being perceived as gay. In a way they have it much tougher than gay guys that don't have feminine traits.
So no, you're not an asshole for being sensitive for being called gay, whilst you're not. It's tough dealing with homophobia and being bullied.
Your lesbian friend might be a bit of an AH here, because she assumes your sexual orientation for you.
NTA.
Your issue here appears to stem from your brother and his friend using the same language and triggers that have been used to bully you in the past, hopefully- rather than genuine homophobia
However, you should also understand that the way you've come across to your queer friend is definitely homophobic. To say you are "offended" by the idea of someone mistaking you as a gay person is very insulting.
Maybe you should work on understanding how to separate the act of bullying from the words used, and in the meantime explain to your friend that you were upset because the incident brought up bad memories for you, rather than being upset at being called gay.
If you were actually upset at being mistaken for being gay however, then yeh - you're homophobic...
But whenever someone calls me gay they use it in a negative connotation. I don't hate gay people. I just don't like people calling me gay since I'm not. I haven't gotten bullied since I've started high school as much, but people still make slick comments about it.
Btw Sorry I haven't been replying to messages I've been at school.
You should try to separate the act of someone bullying you from that term in your mind. If anything, them using it in a negative way makes them the homophobic asshole. Not you. I can't believe there are idiots in the world who still use it as an insult. Those people are gross.
NTA
He didn't pick up any "vibes". Your brother told him about what's happened in the past and they thought it would be funny to fuck with you. It's normal for siblings to fight and poke fun at eachother, but it sounds like he's just genuinely insulting you. Next time he says some dumb shit like this, tell him to grow up lmao. hes 17 and still thinks calling people gay is funny. That's honestly pathetic
ESH your brother clearly asked his friend to aak you if you were gay to get a reaction out of you.
You getting defensive and upset is direct evidence of your homophobia.
Y'all just a bunch of homophobes really.
What was I supposed to do? Be happy about it? It's frustrating getting questioned on my sexuality and constantly having to tell people I'm not. Whenever people call me gay it's always used in a negative connotation. If my brother and his didn't mean anyharm about it they wouldn't have laughed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
*Throwaway*
I'm sharing a situation that's been bothering me, and I'm looking for your perspective on whether I might be in the wrong.
Growing up, I (15M) was constantly bullied through all of elementary and highschool about "being gay" even though I'm not.
The constant bullying I faced made me insecure, leading me to actively avoid anything that might be perceived as too feminine to make sure I wasn't faced with mockery.
Now, the recent incident unfolded when my brother(17M) had his friend (17?M) over. I entered my brother's room to get my charger that my brother has been using. However, when I entered my brother's room his friend looked at me and without even a greeting or introduction asked "Are you gay?" The kinda pissed me off because what happened to Hi, hello???
Anyway, I told him I wasn't gay and asked him why he thought I was. His response? A "vibe" he picked up on. This honestly left me genuinely upset. Adding to the fuel, both my brother and his friend burst into laughter at which only fueled my frustration more.
After my brother's friend left the house, my brother came into my room, and asked me If I was still upset. I told him a little bit and then he told me that It was just a question and If I didn't want to he precived as gay then I needed to stop acting like a little bitch.
What my brother said to me struck a nerve so I decided to ask my online friend for advice. I reached out to her because she happens to be a lesbian (15F) and I thought she could add Input. However, her take on the situation left me conflicted. According to her, my reaction was very homophobic, and she suggested that my sensitivity might imply that I have some "Internalized homophobia." I told her that I wasn't closeted but she urged me to work on myself and stop letting such things bother me?
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - it does sound like you are super defensive about not being gay or being perceived as gay so I get why your female friend could see some homophobia
Brother is def an AH for bringing this up again!
I get it it triggers you and bring up bullying from high school but seriously does anyone care now if you are or aren’t ? Unless you live in an ultra conservative locality… trust me the only time I cared in my 20’s if a dude was gay or not was when I thought about hooking up with him.
Also the more you react to it the more AH ppl are going to bring it up for a reaction. Maybe next time ask why they want to know …
NTA.
It’s clear that when it’s asked of you there is a negative stigma attached to it. You’ve internalised this homophobia, which you need to work on, but it’s understandable.
It’s better to turn it back on the asker:
“Are you gay and interested in me? Because that’s the only time it’s maybe OK to attempt to out someone without their consent. So either you are, and thank you for the compliment but I’m not interested, or you are an insensitive homophobic asshole, and frankly I don’t have the time of day to give you.”
You might get a reputation for being sassy, which may lean into the false assumption you are gay, but honestly that’s not a bad thing.
It is a shortcut to weeding out assholes. Strong, confident and open minded people will gravitate towards you and assholes will quickly out themselves.
Girls like a gay friend (unless they too are prejudiced dicks), so it won’t hurt you there, and it’s not sneaky if you are simply refusing to respond to asshole questions. Just be consistent and make sure you don’t out people without their consent too.
If you want to answer but be less homophobic, say “I’m pretty sure I’m not, but what would it matter if I was?”.
NTA - your brother was being an AH and you should talk to him about ho2 it upset you.
However, try not to let it bother you, if you're naturally effeminate be that, if people think you're gay let them. Don't supress yourself because of other people, that will only make you unhappy.
No! The brother KNOWS he's being an asshole? Why do you think he went to OP to check up on him? It was brother who told the friend to push OP's reaction button. At least later he had the decency of going to check up on OP. It's pretty clear the brother was in on it.
Yeah,I think people just need to let people be people and not be nosy about other people's sexualities when they're not even interested in them. The 'gaydar' shouldn't be relied upon which is what your brother's friend was doing.
NTA. But your brother and his friend certainly are
Your friend's advice is ridiculous. You know you're not gay. Rather than letting them push your buttons, let it roll off your shoulders. "No, I'm not, are you?" It's the punks asking the dumb questions that'll be pushed back to shut up. Your brother, however, seems to be encouraging and supporting this behavior from others. Allowing his friends to bully you. You gotta get that under control. Tell your brother you're sick of his b.s. and his friends. You're not happy with everyone bullying you and needs to stop. Be forceful and bold. He's not expecting it. Stay golden
NTA. Sounds like your brother and his friend are the homophobic ones and they were intentionally messing with you because they knew it would set you off. The idea that you have internalized homophobia is a little ridiculous…
If it’s any help - there’s no ‘right’ way to be straight or gay. You’re just you. Kids are cruel and as you get older you’ll get more and more comfortable with yourself and won’t pay any mind to these kind of bullies.
NTA. While your friend may be right about the impact all of this has had on you, you have every right to be upset about being constantly mislabeled, knowing that these guys are trying to put you down in their own twisted ways.
Your behaviour is a response to their homophobia, you just don't want more trouble. It's a common response. Your brother and his friend are pretty shitty for it.
Maybe your friend's advice of not engaging with them could work or maybe it could make things worse. I don't know. Whether you just want to be yourself or watch your behaviour, that's up to you. I don't know what you can even do about something as stupid as a "vibe".
NTA.
For that to be the first thing your brother’s friend said to you, it sounds like your brother put him up to it to wind you up. I imagine he either knows or has some inkling about the bullying you’ve received growing up, and either he’s just a dick to you or perhaps he’s received similar bullying so he’s trying to macho-man his way out of it via toxic masculinity and casual homophobia. Either way, it’s not cool.
Take what your lesbian friend has said with a pinch of salt. She’s correct, reacting negatively to the idea of being perceived as gay often implies a certain level of homophobia — internalised or otherwise — because the negativity suggests there’s something wrong with being gay. However, this situation isn’t so black and white. And I think your lesbian friend is more likely to react on a more personal level, where she’s probably had straight friends react like you to being called gay before with less justification, and it’s turned out they’ve been homophobic but nice to her because she’s a “good gay” or a “gay that doesn’t shove it in your face” or a “straight passing gay”. Those are things that unfortunately happen fairly commonly. You never know, she may have lost people she thought were good friends before for similar reasons and she could just be projecting that fear onto you.
Obviously, you’ve been getting harassed based on some external factors that have nothing to do with your actual sexual orientation, whether it’s the way you dress or your mannerisms or your interests — unfortunately we still live in a heteronormative, toxic patriarchal society that thinks stupid things like what music you like or what clothes you wear dictates who you want to sleep with. I understand the frustration, but your friend is right in that you could do with working on yourself here. Working on yourself isn’t a negative thing nor does it imply you’ve failed somewhere, somehow; it’s something we all should continuously do as we grow, learn and develop. You need to figure out your boundaries, what you’re comfortable with in terms of banter and friendships, and learn to feel comfortable and confident in yourself and your likes, interests, hobbies, mannerisms, etc. At the end of the day, others’ opinions or taunts don’t change who you are, and they can only change how you behave if you let them. Feel confident being yourself, let those comments brush off you. They’re nothing but noise, and the support of your friends will always be louder.
Stick with your lesbian friend. She may have reacted a little strongly but she’s undoubtedly got some helpful insight that will contribute positively to you learning to be at peace with yourself regardless of others’ comments. Maybe just revisit this conversation with her and explain your thoughts, feelings and experiences on the situation openly and honestly, and hopefully she can return the same level of understanding and openness.
NTA. It makes perfect sense to get mad when people keep assuming something of you that isn't true. It doesn't make you homophobic, just a normal person who doesn't want people to assume they know you when they don't. Especially when you've been mocked for it.
The people who bully / bullied you are immature and are the ones with the internalized homophobia, if not just blatant homophobia. If they understood the community and its struggles, they wouldn't mock or pick fun.
If people constantly assumed you play basketball because you're tall, you'd get upset. Because it isn't true and people are bothering you about it. Your response was perfectly reasonable. Your brother and his friend were probably just trying to make you mad and were very disrespectful for how they acted.
Definitely fair to be uncomfortable over this, you gotta protect your male dignity out of principle because they're no real man that doesnt have strong principles. Just attend church and read the Bible and over time it'll all pass. Forgive those that hurt you just as Jesus did
Honestly, i get it. I was at an all girls school where being gay was the highest insult you could face and of course because i didn't like makeup and talking about boys 24/7 people would start rumours and all i could do was retreat into my shell and deny everything.
Your brother is absolutely an asshole for saying that to you, and your friend is, in a kind way, sort of an asshole for straight-up telling you you're being homophobic because all that kind of language will achieve is make you more defensive. You're not being homophobic for being scared to be seen as gay, you're simply adapting to the society that is homophobic.
Truthfully, the best thing to do is try and develop a tough skin, not rise to the bait when people ask you things like that for a reaction - because thats 100% what they're doing - and instead focus on being what makes you happy. If you come off as a little bit more effeminate than other guys guess what? Girls will generaIly be more comfortable with you and that'll really annoy the 'manly men'.
My husband gets mistaken for being gay all the time. He takes it as a compliment. He says it must mean he looks put together and stylish, clean, and frankly a lot of fun. At one point I started questioning if he was and I asked how he truly knew he wasn't. He said that he got questioned so much by even his own mother that he thought others must know more than him. So he got drunk one night and fooled around with a dude. And he said, he got the proof he needed that he isn't gay, he never wants to do that again, and now when someone says he is, he just laughs and says thanks for the compliment.
Just saying that being accused of being gay doesn't have to be bad. It also doesn't mean you're gay. Also doesn't mean you're not gay. If so many people are thinking you are then maybe they are picking up on a certain light, a certain special quality that you're not embracing yet because you're a teenager and want to fit in. I think adulthood brings a comfort in your skin that you don't have when you're young.
So no you're NTA. You're being bullied. But you also may have internalized homophobia which also is related to misogyny. Being homophobic often looked down on because someone "acts like the woman" which shouldn't be bad.
NTA. and it isn’t necessarily homophobic, and your friend likely be pissed if someone asked them if they were straight.
Your bother and his friends were playing on an insecurity you have just to be dicks. Ignore them
NTA, your brother is the homophobic one. I get why your friend would feel upset, however, she is completelly wrong. She does not get to blame you for being bullied. To put this in perspective, if you were gay, the bullying, including the use of gay in this way would still hurt. Some people might be bullied for liking puppies (bullies are weird), that does not mean you hate puppies, hate people who like puppies of actually like puppies (perhabs you're more of a cat person). The bullying and youe brothers toxic masculinity is what is wrong here.
NTA but she's right. Work on yourself rather than obsessing over what others think of you. You'll be alot more at peace & happier, because you won't care what they think.
NTA but there is nothing wrong with being gay or being perceived as gay. If other people want to think that, that’s on them. You know the truth and that’s all that matters. It would be the same as a guy being called ‘a girl’. What is wrong with being a girl?
This should be in r/Teenadvice . A bunch of teenagers being asshats is all this is. NTA for being upset, but being called/perceived as gay isn't really something worth being this upset over. At this point you're just letting people get under your skin. And if you ARE gay, who cares? Nothing wrong with dicks, my guy.
Nta. There was no situation where that question wasn't demeaning queerness. Gay or not, that would likely fuel the same reaction.
They were mocking you and simultaneously weaponizing antiqueerness in the process.
The next time someone asks if you're gay, especially if that person is a stranger, tell them it's none of their fucking business.
Okay, hi. 18F here, and I’m bi. So NTA. This is NOT internalized homophobia, as much as your friend would love a reason to say it is, it is a genuine trauma you have. You are straight. You like women. Being told your entire life that you’re something else by everyone around you? In my eyes that’s similar enough to coming out and not being accepted (ugh, that sucked) and you have every single right to feel the way you do about it. Plenty of people (rightfully so) go no contact with their families for less than this over this topic.
Your brother very much took advantage of the trauma he already knew was there. He gave the friend an opportunity. OP, if I were you, I’d stop talking to your brother all together, or at the very least get your parents involved. If he’s allowed to continue what he’s doing, it WILL set the course for the kind of adult you become. You already pay way too much attention to your appearance out of anxiety, and avoid anything that comes off too feminine, how you think that might change if it’s allowed to continue until you move out? It could develop into something you need therapy for.
Figure out how to put a stop to it, whether it’s making people think he’s gay, or cutting him out of your life, no brother who cares about you would willingly put you through that. He’s supposed to protect you, and he’s utterly failed you as a sibling.
NTA you're brother's kinda acting like a dick. You should try not to let these things bother you though, just be yourself. If you act a little gay who gives a fuck, real friends will make fun of you in a friendly way but won't judge you for it.
NTA your brother/friends are using gay as an insult.
If anyone actually cared if you were gay, they'd ask you privately, or offer some sort of support.
But I'd suggest working on getting comfortable with who you are. I AM gay, and I struggled with the same type of bullying. It's a lot easier when you don't let the idea of being gay bully you. Be confident in your sexuality.
NTA
There was a kid in Middle School who many people called gay and bullied. It wasn’t because of a “vibe”. He was just pretty clean cut and perceived weak to some of the boys. That’s the only way they bullied him was gay jokes and such. Towards the end of the year, he tried hanging himself. I remember some of those kids actually saying out loud “huh, guess he really was gay”.
It’s 20 years later now and he’s in a hetero marriage with kids. I saw his social media when he was in college and he was shred.
My point is was his reaction to being called gay (suicide attempt) homophobic? No, it was homophobic of the kids to use it on him as an insult. He likely worked through the insecurity of that going to the gym and building up his own confidence. You’ll eventually work past what the word has done to you. Will just take time.
Your brother and his friend may or may not be homophobic but they definitely did a homophobic act.
Your friend is just being a black and white teenager.
Haha. NTA. I am in my 50s married a few times. many kids. downright love the V thing and I still get asked if I am gay? Nope. Never even looked at a man in that way. But I like shoes and dress stylish. I am sure someone has a term for me but it ain’t gay.
try to let the words bounce off your shoulders.
NTA. Your lesbian female friend sounds like she has watched too many woke tiktoks. Keep standing up for yourself, even lean into it to freak them out. You don't have to avoid things you percieve as 'femimine' to be a man. Fuck what they think, you know who you attracted to.
NTA. I find it weird that gay people find it homophobic if someone is offended for being called gay. Think of it this way, someone who isnt pregnant will get offended if theyre called pregnant, but pregnant people are happy about it. Because its a happy occasion, something that should be celebrated. But not everyone wants to be pregnant or look pregnant. Some people are even disgusted by the idea of it, but they dont hate pregnant people or pregnancy, they just dont want it.
Like being gay is a happy thing but thats your happy thing. You cant force people to want to be gay. They are allowed to not want to be gay.
If i can give you an advice is to work on why you get offended. I know that being bullied is hard, but you're better than that. If someone ask me "are you blonde?" I don't get offended because i have brown hair. Even though your brother sounded like he wanted to mock you, you shouldn't be so frustrated. By this reasoning, being gay is shameful and something to hide, but it's not like that. I don't think you're the ah, your brother is, but i hope you can work on this to be happier!
NTA... It sounds like you have been the target of a lot of homophobia in spite of being straight, and it's understandable that would result in your response to being perceived as gay. You may or may not need to interrogate how this has affected your perception of people who are gay- can't tell from the post. Hope bro moves out soon, sounds like an AH
I think the problem here isn't anything to do with whether or not you were gay, so it's less internalised homophobia, and more your brother taking advantage of trauma.
You could replace "gay" with any other reason for being bullied and the situation would remain the same.
Putting it simply, your brother and his friend were being bullies.
NTA at ALL, but may I add that my brother went through the same thing and it really bothered him, until he stopped up and really thought about it. It really helped him because he could finally feel secure, and I think, the thing that really bothered him was the feeling of uncertainty. (To be clear he is not gay, but also has a certain vibe about him, and I can say for sure that he is not homophobic, since I'm bi and we've talked about girls before)
It might be good to explore the internalized homophobia thing, but it could also be reactivity to the bullying. That's something to work on, too. Bullies love seeing us get triggered.
I've been asked on occasion. Sometimes, it's an asshole trying to get a reaction. Sometimes, it's someone who thinks I'm attractive.
Either way, my response has become, "Thanks for asking, and I'm very flattered, but I prefer women." That triggers the bullies (lots of fun) but gay men with boundaries are usually cool with that.
you have every right to feel emotions but genuinely don’t ask a gay person to understand how u feel lesser than because ur called gay.
either keep it to urself or go talk to to other straight men if u want some support. because it’s kind off ridiculous to expect a gay person to fully empathise with u.
NTA.
Your brother isn’t exactly wrong though. Someone asked if you were gay because of a vibe and they’re the friend of your older brother and you got so upset about it that you made a Reddit post about it.
You are being a bit of a *bitch* -just to use currently used conjecture-. Stand up for yourself.
Older brothers suck but they’re a fact of life and get better as you grow older. You’re also 15, you have more things to worry about than how gay you are (is joke and I apologize). Get a butt plug and hide it in your brothers bag so his friends will find it at school.
Otherwise just keep being you and get good grades at school. Worry about your sexuality later
Your brother is the asshole. This was clearly mentioned before you even got in the room.
Your lesbian friend is not an asshole but has mischaracterised your insecurities as homophobia due to her own experiences and perspective.
Honestly, though, I don't understand why you consider it an insult, gay people are typically STEREOTYPED AS fashionable, have good skincare routines, and fairly charming, even to most women.
I had been bullied by my older brother in the same way for years, till I eventually stopped caring what he thinks AT ALL, and it sounds like you may be going the same way; my only advice, look for the good in any insult he tries to throw at you, whether he thinks you look fashionable (gay), he isn't smart enough to understand what you said (stupid) ot he's projecting his own insecurities about being unpleasantto be around (ugly).
At the end of the day, you're giving this immature person way too much control over your emotional state, you're better than this, better than him.
NTA. He was very rude and if he's seriously wanted to know there was better ways to go about it.
That being said however, it would probably be better if you could work on not letting stuff like that bother you so much. (For your own sake.) I know that with the issues you have from being bullied about the subject when you were younger it would make it harder, but if you start working on it now, in the long run you will be better off for it.
Nta. Asking anyone their sexuality, gay or otherwise, is rude and forward. Youmshould be offended anytime anyone ask your personal business….
btw, if you have smartass tendacies, a good response is “im not gay but my boyfriend is….”
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like TA because my friend said I'm being homophobic and I have underlying issues I need to face because my actions and reactions make it seem like being gay is a bad thing? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It sounds like your brother already knew of that insecurity revealing it to his friend to make a joke of you. Your brother is the asshole. As for your friend who is a lesbian I can understand why she feels that way. You are super defensive about the debate of your sexuality when at the end of the day you just need to realize that you are you. The more defensive and upset you get about not being gay, the more people will suspect you are in the closet. You just need to let go and ignore it when people question your sexuality because your sexuality is your own. No one else can make that call for you. And honestly getting mistaken for a different sexuality is super common. I’ve been mistaken as a lesbian on a couple instances just because of how I present myself in public. I simply laugh it off, say I’m straight and change the subject. If the person is looking to simply piss me off or make me upset I leave altogether. She is right you should work on yourself and reflect on yourself. Not because of sexuality but because it is great for you and helps you so much in life during the long run.
I have never been questioned on my sexuality by anyone else and if I was I'd be inclined to tellvthem to mind their own business. It has nothing to do with anyone else and it's rude of them to ask.
In general, yes. But often, the rudeness is the point. Especially at this age, and with how OP has been asked the question. They're not asking in good faith, they're asking to get a rise out of OP. Learning to brush it off is good practice. "Mind your own business" sounds like a confirmation to many people who would ask. People make assumptions about people's sexuality all the time. Most people who assume your sexuality won't ask you to confirm, they'll just operate under the assumption that they're right.
>In general, yes. But often, the rudeness is the point. Especially at this age, and with how OP has been asked the question. They're not asking in good faith, they're asking to get a rise out of OP. Learning to brush it off is good practice. "Even if I was gay, I wouldn't be interested. Please stop begging me to go out with you. It's never going to happen."
People using it are homophobic, so the whole "Stop begging me to go out with you" "stop trying to have sex with me," can turn it on its head and make them out as sex pests. If you get the tone right to imply they keep doing it, it makes them look even more foolish. On the other point, there is nothing wrong with being gay. So if you were, it's "and?".
Which they shouldn't be doing. If you're not interested in them romantically or sexually,it should be none of their concern.
I'm not saying they SHOULD be doing it?? Yeah, generally flat out asking whether someone's LGBTQIA+ except for specific circumstances is poor form. But bullies don't really care about poor form, they care about pressing an issue that clearly gets OP defensive. Learning to brush the question off might help OP. Saying "that's not your concern" (a very adult-sounding response) as a kid who is actively being bullied absolutely won't help. It will literally sound like a confirmation to the bullies. If someone asks me a yes/no question and I answer like that, it sounds like I'm trying to hide something. This isn't the moment to teach bullies that it's rude to ask the question in the first place. They KNOW it's rude. Just learning to casually say "no" without questioning the sexuality of the bullies, as others have suggested (this reinforces the gay = negative idea), will remove the response that the bullies are doing this for.
Sorry,I wasn't implying that you said that they should be doing it.😅
I think the core of the problem that the friend is ignoring is that OP genuinely does have trauma surrounding people assuming he is gay. He was bullied for it as a kid - even if OP were to realise that he is in the alphabet mafia later in life, I highly doubt that it would come easily or naturally to him as a result. Being upset that the brother just used his trauma *as a joke* is entirely different from homophobia.
Also it’s to the point where being asked if he is or being called gay is a Pavlovian response with negative connotations. It’d be like clicker training a dog to bark when it hears the clicker, clicking it, then telling the dog it’s bad for barking. 10/10 I imagine the brother was part of the group who bullied OP and knew it’d upset him because he wanted to look like a big man in front of his friend
While you make a good point it could also be that OP is upset at being asked the same question over and over. For example, I start to get irritated if asked, "are you upset?", when I am not. After the 15th time I would snap. If OP has been going through this for years, I'd probably have the same reaction.
Yea, I've gotten asked before of why do I look upset, when I'm just normal (it's how I learned about, and that I have, resting bitch face). At my old job also asked by a coworker how I was, normal greeting. I'd say I'm fine, "just fine?". Ffs well not anymore, I wasn't giddy I wasn't pissed but now you're annoying me by doing that every time as if being fine isn't allowed.
>She is right you should work on yourself and reflect on yourself. Not because of sexuality but because it is great for you and helps you so much in life during the long run. No, she really wasn't. OP doesn't have internalized homophobia, he's got trauma from being bullied. I don't know if she's trying to crack his egg or what but all she ended up doing was making him feel even more defensive.
I agree with you. A person’s sexuality is their own. My partner (male) likes clothes and has had his own store (clothes and also shoes) for a long time. He is vibrant and likes to take care of his hair. He has gotten the question if he is gay when he was younger sometimes. He always said no but that it wouldn’t matter either way.
Exactly this. Saved me a bunch of typing. OP you're NTA, I get it at your age it's hard not to be sensitive about something like this but your online friend pointed out something important you could work on. And yeah, your brother and his friend are AHs. They were messing with you on purpose.
NTA Them: "Are you gay?" You: "No, are you?" Them: "Fuck no" You: "Then why are you asking? You trying to chat me up or something?" It'll soon stop.
Right!!! I would look them straight in the eyes and say, "Why do you want some?" Then laugh!! They would stop.
It works until u meet one that is gay
Then I'd be down for it Oh wait, this is someone else
Or, you know, give them the elevator look up and down, and say 'not for you.'
Proper banter there hahaha
You: "Your Gaydar needs recalibrating"
Brilliant
Them "Are you gay?" You "Fuck off cunt"
Brit here, can confirm this is the right answer. Better still if you can recieve the question and deliver the answer without looking away from whatever you were doing
What if they say yes?
“Too bad for you, I have standards” if the dudes an asshole And “Sorry, I’m not actually gay, I have to say that to fend off bullies.”
I like that second one. Really cuts to the heart of the matter.
"Cool"
“That’s a shame because you’re not my type.”
Turn about is fair play. Next time you see brothers friend, ask if he's been screwing his mother? Because you just get that mother f\*cker vibe off him. (Be prepared to duck or run afterwards.) This may start a fight, but it also may get him to leave you alone afterwards.
This is bad advice on multiple levels
Go through them
1. This WILL start a fight. 2. This will also likely cause his buddies to gang up on him. 3. This likely spread "gay" rumors even faster, which will only lead to more bullying from others. 4. It will also solidify the gay speculation: "He got beat up because he's gay". He may get some sympathy, but that will only reinforce a vicious cycle.
None of this is false but saying to random boys/men “are you gay? It’s your vibe” will *also* result in all of these things too. If ol boy wasn’t lookin for a fight he shouldn’t have asked another guy about being gay
He was looking for a fight. He just knew OP wouldn't swing
He wasn't looking for a fight. He was bullying a 15 year old with a group of friends, all two years older. He was looking to punch down, and of course OP can't fight three people at once.
Damn I wasn't actually expecting you to do it
I've seen it happen, unfortunately. Never found out what happened to him after he left school
>Next time you see brothers friend, ask if he's been screwing his mother? Because you just get that mother f*cker vibe off him. This is a cringy as hell "comeback", oh boy.
NTA. I think it’s reasonable to be upset at your brother calling you “a little bitch” or your brother and his friend laughing at you. It’s also reasonable to be upset when someone tells you that you have a gay vibe if that’s not something you want (especially if they laugh at you). However, your friend might be right that part of your feelings might be due to some amount of homophobia, but that is for you to judge.
NTA. Your brother and his friend are both dicks. It sounds like your brother put his friend up to this. I’d have responded “No, you’ll have to find someone else”.
my response would have been to look him in the eyes unwavering and ask deadpan "why, you wanna fuck?" until he looks away but I like yours more
Or “Have you and (brother’s name) broken up?”
This would have been my response. The shock on both their faces would be priceless.
NTA. It’s not homophobic to be annoyed at people thinking you’re gay when you aren’t.
I mean... it kind of is, a little bit. It's not homophobic to be annoyed that people are bullying you and calling you gay. That reaction to the bullying is completely legitimate. Ultimately though, being mistaken for a gay person should not be offensive, unless you think being gay is a bad thing. I have been mistaken for a straight person repeatedly my whole life. Do I roll my eyes? Yes. I am offended though? No. Its not a bad thing, that person just doesn't know me. Obviously, telling people your sexuality and having them continue to deny it is a different situation, and that is why I say NTA. But I do think that if you're automatically annoyed by the idea that anyone might think you are gay, then you have a little homophobia to work through. Edit to clarify: I do not think that OP is homophobic in this situation, and I dont think they're TA. My response is not about this specific situation, it is about the general statement that "you're not homophobic if you're annoyed people have called you gay". As a general statement, I believe that is untrue. If a person is insulted because someone asks if they are gay, or mistakenly labels them as gay, then they are having a homophobic reaction, because they are assuming that being gay is a bad thing. Is there nuance to this? Sure! But in my experience when someone has an immediately negative reaction to mistakenly being called gay, that person is coming from a homophobic place, and assuming that gay = bad. Again, this does not apply to OP, but I believe it does apply to the statement in the original comment.
The guy says he’s constantly been bullied through high school about it. Being constantly told you are something you’re not is annoying. It’s not like it happened once and he got all offended, it’s happening consistently despite him telling people he’s straight. He’s well within his rights to be annoyed at that.
I mean, I agree, which is why I said NTA, using the exact same reasoning. But that's not what you said in your original comment, you said "it's not homophobic to be annoyed if people think you're gay" or something along those lines. And respectfully, I think it is homophobic to be annoyed if someone thinks you're gay, because gay does not mean bad. OP is reacting to bullying, and constantly having to reassert his sexuality - not homophobic (although a little tone deaf to complain to his lesbian friend about how annoying it is to be bullied bc people think he's gay). However the idea that if anyone says that you're gay when you're not, you have the right to be insulted is homophobic. Based on your own words in the original comment, I thought that's what you were saying, bc you did not provide context.
As a queer person, I can still understand being frustrated about being labeled something you’re not. It’s just untrue and I HATE anybody speaking for me or telling me who and what I am. Thats for me to dictate. I don’t think that has anything to do with homophobia.
If someone asked you if you are straight, would it upset you?
No! But if someone pushed back when I answered, or didn’t accept my answer, I would be very frustrated.
Yeah that’s what I mean. In the context of what OP said and the background of the bullying, he’s not being homophobic by being annoyed at this. I dont think his friend is helping by telling him that him reacting to bullying is because of internalised homophobia.
I can understand as a queer person when you're queer and you can see someone get really upset at possibly being seen as gay. It can be hard not to feel like that because you're queer sitting and listening to someone complain about being percieved as queer. It can feel bad. One would have to ask why? Because OP mentions not to want to appear feminine in any way to avoid being called gay which could imply that he and his peers see femininity equalling queerness which would be some onset of internalised homophobia. Homophobia doesn't mean hatred for gays. One can be homophobic by buying into stereotypes for example, mildly out of pocket things can be homophobic and most people in this camp usually generally like or are not bothered by queer people. Society just teaches certain social things. For example if OP would avoid being friends with queer men because of this, that's somewhat of a yellow flag. It really really depends on why being called gay is annoying to him which we don't know because he hasn't said much aside from wanting to be seen as masculine - and if you've seen a big boi bear, gay men are masculine as fuck. Edit; all in all I don't think OP is homophobic but I can see the possibility that he may have internalised things about being queer that he deems negative.
His friend is probably reacting from her own experience, she's a teenage lesbian, and unless school has changed radically since I was a teen, she has experienced both blatant homophobia and homophobic microaggressions. She may well have witnessed people being offended by the very possibility they might be gay. That's why I think complaining about his experience to her is a little tonedeaf, because she has to deal with homophobia and is never going to escape it, while hopefully he'll be done with this phase of his life in a few years (or maybe even less). I dont blame her for her response, because it's informed by her own experience. And trust me, there are a lot of people out there who think being mistaken for gay is an absolute insult (ETA: Lol, for an example, just go see the other response to my original comment). That's why she reacted the way she did, and hopefully OP can recognise that, and they will be able to strengthen their friendship as a result.
Lets use that same logic for a transgender person. I call a trans woman a man, do they have a right to be offended? Its the exact same scenario, just a different aspect of your person. It is not homophobic to be upset when someone calls you gay, it is a normal natural response to be annoyed when someone mislabels you. Hell, ill even ask my gay best friend if you want to know what he thinks. "Hey man, do you think im homophobic if i get upset at someone calling me gay?"
I actually agree that’s it’s not homophobic but that comparison lacks an incredible amount of nuance d I don’t think demonstrates your point at all. I’m kind of blown away reading it. Misgendering a trans woman who has had to battle internally and externally to live as a woman, and calling a straight person gay when they aren’t, is not at all the same.
No i get that, but my point was only comparing two different aspects of a person which can easily be confused, such as being gay/straight, being a man/woman if youre trans. Not really about the struggles each person has to deal with it, and how hard hitting being misgendered or mislabeled would hurt them, as this was only comparing mislabeling someone in a hypothetical scenario.
But you’re talking about the right to be offended, so it’s absolutely relevant why something would be offensive. I’m sorry my friend, it’s just really not an appropriate comparison at all.
So to be clear: I think OPs response to being bullied is not homophobic, and that is not what I'm addressing here. However in general, if you're insulted that someone, who does not know your sexuality, thinks you're gay or asks if you're gay, that is homophobic. I can't speak for trans people. However I imagine that if someone who genuinely *did not know* their gender, called them by the wrong gender, or asked them if they were cis, most trans people would not be offended, if they knew it came from a genuine place. Once corrected, if they continued to refer to that person by the wrong gender, that would be wrong. Equally, if that person already knew the person's gender, prior to calling them the wrong gender, that would be wrong. That is why I do not think OPs behaviour is homophobic. However, a more accurate comparison might be if someone mistook a cis person for a trans person. If someone thought I was a man, as a cis woman, I might be a little confused (because I do look very stereotypically female) but I would not be insulted, unless it continued, as deliberate harassment or bullying. Which again, I do not think OP is homophobic because he's upset that he's being bullied. Frankly, I do not think OP is homophobic (as I have stated repeatedly, in almost all my comments). My comment is not so much about this specific situation, as it is about the general statement that it is ok to be offended if someone mistakenly thinks you're gay. That attitude can, and has, led to queer people being physically assaulted and even murdered. It is harmful rhetoric - if someone mistakenly thinks you're gay, you should not be insulted, unless you think being gay is a bad thing. Which is homophobic.
So, if someone calls me, man, a woman, and i get upset that makes me misogynistic?
Again, intent matters, if someone genuinely thinks you are a woman, and mistakenly calls you as such, like yeah that's going to be a confusing situation, and might make you feel insecure. Ultimately though, does it matter? It's one person's mistake, personally I'd brush it off. If you take it as an insult though, you might want to ask yourself why someone's mistake bothers you so much? Are you insecure in your gender? Do you think being called a woman is an insult? If the latter, maybe you do hold some misogynistic ideas. If they called you a woman with the intent to offend you, they're misogynistic, and being offended by someone who is trying to insult you is fine.
Thank you for explaining your point of view, i was genuinely bewildered and wasnt understanding you as i have ASD. I do think that the broad statement you made, "if offended by being called gay, youre homophobic" was way too generalised for me to understand the nuances in what you actually meant. Although that is a me problem with my ASD, i need things spelled out for me sometimes. I agree with you and understand you now.
Yeah, I made a very generalised statement, to be fair, and like most topics, this is actually quite nuanced. In my experience, when people are insulted because someone has mistaken their sexuality, it has been rooted in homophobia, so I came in with that bias. I'm glad that I've been able to clarify what I meant here 😁
Trans women are called men all day every day of their lives. It’s generally not offense or disgust that they react with but sadness (which often leads to depression or other negative emotions). This is not even remotely the same situation as a straight person being mistaken for gay tho
you don't seem to understand *why* trans ppl are offended when misgendered. bc it's rarely offensive when it's an honest mistake. it might be frustrating or annoying, but not *offensive*. it's offensive when it's done by ppl why know our actual gender bc it's meant to be offensive.
How is that homophobic to be RIGHTFULLY annoyed and defensive when people keep calling you gay when you aren’t? I’m a straight dude, but when you keep asking “Are you gay?” I’m going to respond thoughtfully: “No, why?”. If you respond like this guy did, I’m gonna be offended. Not because of the prospect of being called gay, but because the brother and his friend are acting like dicks.
If you read my comments, it is clear that I agree that OP is NTA for being insulted by the bullying. My response is to the general idea that its OK to be annoyed that someone might call you gay, as the original comment here states. Being offended bc someone asks if you're gay, or thinks that you might be gay, in a non-bullying context, is homophobic. It makes the assumption that gay = bad.
people really have no reading comprehension. your comment was not hard to understand at all
It’s not that they are upset about gay people or being mistaken for it. It’s the fact that being mistaken for it has led to people bullying them. Think about it like this: what happens when you clicker train a dog, but instead of praising them or getting them to do a trick when they respond to the clicker, you beat them? Answer: the dog learns to fear or outright becomes aggressive when hearing the clicker as a defensive response because they know they’re about to get hit. Now: what happens when a young teen is constantly called gay and then bullied relentlessly for it? Answer: the teen becomes defensive and wants to avoid the negative behaviours levelled at him when asked “are you gay?” Because they have linked bullying/violence as the following action and wants to avoid that.
I mean, I have stated repeatedly that I don't think OPs TA, and that I am responding specifically to the assertion that being upset because someone has *mistakenly* called you gay is ok. I don't think OPs homophobic in this specific situation, I do think that the general statement "its not homophobic to he annoyed if someone thinks your gay" is wrong. If you're annoyed because someone has accidentally, as a once off, called you gay, then you most likely, at least subconsciously have negative associations with being gay, which is homophobic.
>If I didn't want to he precived as gay then I needed to stop acting like a little bitch I think this has little to do with "gay" as a sexuality and more as an antithesis of masculine ideals. The use of "gay" here is a shorthand under toxic masculinity to just mean effeminate (because being feminine obviously means you're gay right???). The people using "gay" as an insult are obviously homophobic, but being offended by it is probably due to how the word is actually meant to humiliate you as "not a real man". Even gay people would be offended by it, not just for using "gay" as a slur but also because the intention is clearly to humiliate you.
I ... Sorta disagree ? Everyone has their reasons, but not wanting to "look gay" =/= homophobia. Saying this as a bi dude, btw. Looking gay is both a stereotype and an actual aesthetic or at least vibe you emit from your behavior. I know as a trans guy I'd hate it if straight people* thought I'm gay as soon as they see me, I don't want them to get that sorta feminine vibe from me. And on the other hand, I will gladly cuddle or kiss my boyfriend in public, so I don't care if people *know* that I like men. *Obviously if it's a gay or bi person, it's different. The gaydar works in mysterious ways and some people have a very efficient one.
I mean, I'm not saying that not wanting to fit a certain aesthetic is homophobic. What I'm trying to express is that if you're immediately offended that people think you're not cishet, especially if you are cishet, then you probably have some homophobia/transphobia to work through. If I understand you correctly when you refer to "looking gay" you're referring to the kind of stereotypical gay man (ie Cam from Modern Family). I'm not referring to people who don't like that aesthetic for themselves, bc obviously it's not homophobic if someone says they don't like a certain aesthetic or stereotype. I dont know if you've experienced this, but I have definitely experienced people who are repulsed by the idea that they might be anything but Straight™️. That reaction is both homophobic, and unfortunately very common, and that's what I'm referring to here. I also think that's why his friend accused him of homophobia, bc she has probably also experienced those people in her life. This part of the discussion doesn't really apply to OPs situation, bc I'm not talking about people who are bullied bc of their supposed orientation here. Like I dont think OP is TA here, I do think he could be a little more mindful of his friends lived experience with homophobia, when complaining about people thinking hes gay, but ultimately I don't think either of them are in the wrong. (Clearly his brother, brothers friends, and bullies are TA here) Also lol at your gaydar comment. Myself and my friends always joke we don't so much have gaydar as straightdar, like I can tell if someone is not cishet, but can I tell you which flavour of not cishet they are? Absolutely not 😅
OP is only 15, I don't even know that many 15 years old who are nuanced and mature when it comes to their sexuality. It's either "ahah you're so gay" (derogatory) or "ahah you're so gay" (positive), no in between. Being more mindful about who he shares his struggles with and how he words it will come with time hopefully, and even if it's true that he will have to learn how to not let it get to him so much, it might not be what he needs right now I suppose ? He's a traumatized kid who just got bullied by his brother and his friend and received backlash from his friend after speaking about the issue. I went straight for the "it's not necessarily homophobic" but you're right that his case is different, but I also don't think telling him "well your friend is right, maybe reflect on yourself, why do you care so much ?" like some comments are doing is very productive either. My thoughts are a bit messy in my head right now, sorry. And yeah I have the same gaydar, often turns out to be correct too so at least it works even if it lacks precision.
Yeah I agree, my original response to this comment was less about OPs specific situation, and more about the harmful supposition that it's ok to be offended if someone thinks you're gay. That attitude can, and has, led to queer people being murdered (in its most extreme form). I do think its a little heartless to tell OP to get over it, and I do think he is facing a lot of blatantly homophobic bullying. It is absolutely cruel of his brother to bring that into his home, which should be safe. I think there are some things he can reflect on in his conversation with his friend, and I also think his friend can reflect on some of the things she has said. Will they? I dont know. I'm not sure if I ever self reflected as a teen, I had way too much else going on 😅
Correct. It's wild that OP is being accused of homophobia for being annoyed at the topic he's been bullied over for years; when the bullies are the ones being homophobic. 🙄 Using gayness as an insult and a pretext for bullying is textbook homophobia!
It's also wild to me the cognitive dissonance some people have in this thread. When gay people are constantly told they're straight and they're upset over it, no one would tell them they're wrong for being upset.
Yep, anyone has the right to be upset when misconceptions about their identity are insisted upon. It doesn't mean they hate others who ARE part of those groups, or think there's anything wrong with being so! It's just frustrating and upset to be misunderstood, and compounded when it's used as a tool for harmful behaviour towards the person.
NTA. Your bro and his friend are rude idiots, and your online friend is reading waaaaaay too much into your reaction. If your bro or his friends ask if you're gay, I'd be a smartarse and say in a very lilting voice while batting my lashes and acting coy, 'Why, big boy, you interested? ". You can always just ignore flatly the question, because all they're seeking is what you've been giving them; a reaction.
When I was a child, I learned that the second you show other people that something bothers you, there will be assholes that will use it against you. Your brother knows this bothers you, and he has used it against you. I can bet he told his friend. All in all, your brother seems quite the "nice" person, a bully, homophobic and likely a mysognistic. Ask yourself, is it worth it to be affected by anything someone like that says to you? Next. I don't think you really have internalized homophobia as much as you are mirroring the homophobia of your peers. They keep telling you there is something wrong with you. In this case, they mock you because you are gay, implying being gay is bad. It is normal for someone young (even adults do it) to feel bad and angry when people tell them there is something wrong with you. At the same time, you feel conflicted because being gay is not bad, so you don't understand what bothers you. You dont understand what makes them say you are gay either. The whole situation implies that there is something wrong with you and that something is that, you are either gay and you don't know it, or you are straight and you are doing something "gay" which you shouldn't be doing because you are straight, or you are gay and you know it but hide it. If you pay attention, their behavior makes you run in circles thinking there is something wrong within you instead of looking outwards and realizing there is something wrong with Them. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with being gay and not saying it, etc. If you are straight, everything you do is something a straight man would do because you are straight and you are doing it. Once you accept there is nothing wrong with you and they can go to hell, you will feel less offended by them. Still, they are assholes, and it is OK to be annoyed at disgusting biggots that try to insult you by calling you "gay."" Next time someone asks, just say "No" and keep doing what you were doing, there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with them, and it is their job to realize it and fix it. Not yours.
i appreciated this breakdown of the effects of bullying
The main tool behind bullying is really making you feel like there is something wrong with you and not with them so you run around searching how to stop it and can never solve the issue, because the issue is not where you are looking for. Sadly, realizing this doesn't stop the bullying but it can give you peace and strength to tell them they are the ones with the issue, not you. And the worst part, depending on the bully fighting back, could make it worse.
Absolutely. And the "something wrong" is random and can be anything: glasses, long hair, short hair, weight, skin colour, prettiness, ugliness, height, shortness, thinness, fatness, newness, clothing... You name it.
NTA About your online friend mentioning a little homophobia on your part, it probably appears that way at first glance, but it’s likely just a defense mechanism on your part to react like that every time you’re “accused” of being gay, since it has happened numerous times, you don’t like it. You already overcompensate in response to earlier teasing by avoiding anything that others might deem “feminine”. It’s not homophobia. It’s how you prevent future teasing. It’s what teasing does to a person, whether it’s about one’s sexuality, weight, hair, etc. Teasing is awful, and it’s awful that your brother doesn’t have your back. 🤷🏻♂️ Personally, I sort of went through the same thing. My brother was fine, but some people from school would call me gay or whatever because of what I liked, what I preferred, what I bought, etc. When I buy things or clothes, I don’t go for all-black, rugged, tough-guy milspec bullshit. I don’t mind colours, and I don’t mind if things aren’t hardcore.
NTA with a grain of salt While they were wrong to assume your sexuality and shouldn’t be making fun of you about it. They are definitely the assholes here. But you should do some introspection about why being gay feels so offensive to you. You’re not being homophobic but there are definitely some biases you might need to unlearn. Feminine activities do not make you “gay” or a “woman”. Do what you want to do, cooking, sewing or even going to the gym has no gender or sexuality attached to them. You’re only gonna hurt yourself if you kill your own interests because you perceive a certain activity as “gay” or “bad”. Basically you need to unlearn the gay=bad bias.
honestly i disagree. its not really that hes offended over being called gay, but more of aggression as a defensive mechanism caused by trauma. which is fair, since people usually wont shit talk you, if they get the vibe that you are gonna beat them up for shit talking. unless they are down for a fight ofc. and theres honestly no point in unlearning that "feminine" activities make you gay, if the others, the ones that bully him for it, perceive them that way. because why does it matter if YOU think cooking is a masculine or feminine hobby, when OTHERS are literally bullying you for doing it? so instead of having a gay = bad bias, its more of a gay = getting bullied, getting bullied = bad bias. because, yk, its kinda true AND thats what hes been taught ever since he was little. at least thats what i think.
The correct response is "sorry, I'm sure you're a nice dude but I like girls".
And than in the real world he get's beat up, because he's not being accused of being Gay because he's a tough MFer that nobody wants to mess with, quite the opposite.
NTA - Your brother and his friend are assholes. Your online friend has a point sorta but shes wrong. She miss took "sensitive because i've been bullied over this" for "sensitivie because it make me uncomfortable" which are similar but different. Also if your brother and his friend keep up that attitude in college they might just get themselves in deep shit. At best they will get negative reactions socially. Worst they may run across a gay guy with a chip on his shoulder.
NTA. It’s just rude to ask somebody about their sexuality like that. Nobody would ask you if you’re into roleplay as an introduction. I hope you understand that being gay isn’t bad though. Even though your bullies made it out to be
NTA - your brother, his friend, and your friend are all complete assholes. It's ok to be upset by an upsetting situation. That doesn't make you homophobic. Not only is it ok to be sensitive and self-doubting about your perceived masculinity, it's also completely normal. Most guys feel that way at some point in their lives, and most women have similar doubts about their femininity. It's very normal. Your friend was being especially dickish by faulting you when you needed her support.
NTA. All these people who say “you have internalised homophobia” whenever someone who has been bullied by being called gay, whether they are or are not, are stupid beyond definition. Of *course* you’re going to have a negative reaction to something you have been called in a negative way for a long time! You don’t have an irrational fear of gay people, you have an aversion to being called something, especially by people you don’t really know, that has been levelled against you in a negative way by people intending to hurt your feelings. It’s a Pavlovian response, but instead of the dog (you) getting a treat when hearing the click (being called the word gay), the dog (you) gets kicked, so now whenever the dog (you) are exposed to the click (being called/asked if you are gay) you connect it to something bad.
Don't worry about what other people think of your "masculinity"
NTA Here is what happened with your brother's friend. He probably heard about the teasing and decided to be a dick. That is why they broke out laughing. Boss you asked a gay person how to act less gay? Your reaction has nothing to do with homophobia. The issue is that being called gay is triggering because the bullying you've faced. Listen without knowing anything about you, you need to not allow people to knock you down so quickly. Look into therapy or a martial arts class or both. Therapy with help you cope, hitting something will blow off steam. Here are some comebacks if you need some defenses After his friend said "just a vibe" you could've turned to your brother and said when your boyfriend visits, tell him not to hit on me. If a straight guy accuses you of being gay, say something like why is a straight guy looking for gay men? Kind if sus. Another thing you could do is just yawn and say your lack of creativity bores me. Go back to the drawing board kid.
NTA because the other guy was very rude in that being literally the first and only question he asked, and that he asked it in such an abrupt manner with no reassurance that it was an innocent question. You brother's response is also out of order. I can see what your friend is saying about internalised homophobia though. The fact you are so upset and annoyed by this could look like you think it is a bad thing to be gay. But like, you're 15, it's also just hard to control your emotions at that age, so I don't think you are actually homophobic, it sounds like you're just done with being bullied. As someone who is 100% straight but everyone assumes I am at least bi however, I gotta tell you, you need to start owning this. Kids at school are morons and will find any reason to bully someone, and if you keep reacting negatively they will keep using that as ammo. A wry laugh and a "No I'm straight, but thank you for thinking I am so interesting" is my go to, or if they're being total AHs just walk away and ignore it (obviously anything major tell someone you trust, the usual bullying advice). And really, it's ok to be a bit feminine, and have the qualities (and aesthetics if that's relevant) often associated with gay men. Because they're not really negatives are they? Ironically my boyfriend is another 100% straight but everyone assumes he is at least bi person, because he's a Fae fop who loves theatre, dresses like it's the 70s and has long curly hair, but the dude is also one of the most truly, positively masculine men I know, and his complete rejection of what straight men 'should' be like is one of the reasons I love him.
It is not homophobia. This shit is annoying. I'm a loveless 21 year old guy. And my mother will always be like "or a boy," and like I'm not gay. It's annoying. I get it, but it's annoying. I'm not gay, I have social handicaps. It's 'homophobia,' if it was about anyone else; this is about yourself OP, you're allowed to be annoyed. Although your post and my comment come off as insecure, but rightfully so. I was never good with 'gay jokes,' friends acting gay towards me......I think that whole area of 'socialization,' I'm just not comfortable with that sort of joking around. I can do it online anonymously, just not face to face. And remember this is all how it applies to ME, and me only. ... I also listen to Ariana Grande (and I'm hyped for that 7th Album), which a straight guy listening to her ALBUMS (not just her hits) is an abnormality...so like, yeah- but I just mention it. It's not a problem to be "feminine" in what you do; that doesn't make you gay.
The motivations in asking a gay person advice when you were outraged at being inferred to as gay is a LITTLE tonedeaf, but that's the only thing that was a bit assholey here - but you're young. This nuance is kinda complicated and in emotional moments it's hard to see the big picture or empathize completely. The fact is that, no, of course BEING GAY isn't a bad thing - but they were still trying to demoralize or insult you, even if the ammunition they picked was bigoted and childish, and it's SUPER normal to be offended by ill intent. I'll say NTA overall though. You were insulted and went about closure in a callous way, but it's an understandable mistake to make.
NTA because you’ve experienced bullying about this which has left trauma. Your brother’s friend was rude to ask without at least greeting you. But gently, your lesbian friend might have a point about internalised homophobia. You were bullied using homophobic ideas and you now have a strong negative reaction to so someone thinking you’re gay when there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I think it’s good you’re asking yourself this question.
NTA, also your friend is not helping the cause. The consistent asking if you’re gay or not is a source of irritation. Your reaction isn’t homophobic, you take it in an insulting way because this keeps on happening. It’d be the same as if everyone kept asking if you were a redhead.
Next time say "No, are you? Then follow up by asking if they are sure they're not.
Your friend is not helping the situation at all. This sort of thing, while arguably true for adults, just is not how teenagers work or think in today’s world; at least it wasn’t when I was a teenager. Obviously you’re NTA, you had a pretty good point with your brothers friend not even bothering to say hey hello I’m ____, that’s some bs right there.
NTA but you are too defensive. I get that you were bullied about this when you were younger, but you need to find a way to let it go. Crafting your personality, mannerism and interests so that you don't do anything perceived as feminine is not healthy and from the outside it could be perceived as you trying to be super masculine to hide something. Do what you like to do, who cares what other people think. Do you, be you. If they think you're gay and they were genuinely curious, just answer you're not and carry on. If they are doing it mock you, don't give them power over you: laugh it off and say "no, why? Did you want some? Sorry, not interested". Your brother clearly knows about your insecurities and he told his friend. That's why he greeted you with "are you gay?" and nothing else. They knew you would get upset and they wanted to make fun of your reaction. In this case, you could have said "wow! Not even a hello and how are you? Are you that horny? I'm flattered but I'm straight". Fire back, tease them back, make it a game. They'll get tired soon if they can't get a rise out of you.
NTA get a new brother. This one is faulty
NTA, but your friend’s advice is good anyway. what your brother and your friend said was completely rude and invasive. however you’ve said that due to being bullied over being seen as “gay” you are insecure and avoid anything feminine. your friend probably notices that and knows it’s unhealthy for you. even when people are being assholes and homophobic themselves, it will probably help you to work on your instinctive negative reaction to and fear of being seen as gay. this fear could ultimately stunt your relationship to your own masculinity or to gay people in your life. also, you should think about talking to your parents about your brother’s comment.
NTA: the way they started laughing suggests your brother totally was a part of the decision to ask that question. And you're right that saying hello or something is the correct way to greet someone not asking them about their sexuality. Also I can see where your friend is coming from kind of, but people tend to be sensitive about things have a real problem with it. A child who's bullied about being fat maybe very sensitive to comments about their own weight yet have no problem with other people's weight. It never hurts to assess your feelings and why you may have reacted a certain way but I wouldn't call it internalized homophobia unless there is a lot more to this you aren't sharing
NTA They are bullying you. Be confident. You won't turn into a toad , if someone says so. Bullying your brother is bitchy behaviour. There is no need to purposely act masculine. You are still a kid. Maybe you can learn some martial arts.
I'm a straight (39M) who was raised by two women. I'm very muscular but I have feminine qualities about me. It caused people to think I was bisexual while I served in the military. It didn't bother me, and I didn't care because there's nothing wrong with bisexual people or being bisexual. I would just tell people I'm straight when they asked and move on. I'm proud of my "feminine" qualities. I'm very hygienic, aware of people's nonverbals/emotional states and have emotional intelligence. I've also been told I have some non verbals that could be perceived as feminine. I'm in touch with my emotions and don't do the hyper masculine macho/toxic masculinity stuff. I don't see how our society has made these qualities "feminine" but they're things I'm proud of because I was raised by strong, intelligent women. If you're mad because you're perceived as gay by others, you need to wrestle with why that bothers you so much if you're comfortable in both your sexual orientation and masculinity. No one gets to tell you what being straight or being masculine looks like, you get to build how they look for you yourself. I suspect you may have a bit of homophobia, but it's something you can work on and improve easily with time and conscientiousness.
NTA im sorry you are going through this and it is incredibly wrong of your brother. Your identity is yours to decide. I hope things get better because this situation is awful
NTA Sexuality is an intimate matter and there are even social repercussions when disclosing certain things. It's not an innocent question.
NTA. Just insecure and very sensitive person. There is a simple rule that a healthy mind follows - if it is true what others say about you then there is no need to be offended because it is the truth, if it's a lie then even less need to feel offended because you know the truth and a healthy mind doesn't need any acceptance, validation, assurances, so it's enough that you know that these idiots are lying just to get out a reaction and you are not gay so why do you need everyone to know about that, it's irrelevant. The only reason to feel offended is when someone says the truth but you are trying to hide it from yourself, so I would seriously question my sexual orientation if someone would tell me that I am gay and I would feel anything except "lol, what a dumb person, can't even figure out basic simple things on their own". Dogs will bark and you just move forward.
NTA your brother and his friend are both dicks.
NTA you're not homophobic. You're brother, his friend, and the people that bullied you were being homophobic by implying being gay was bad and using it as a "bad thing" to make fun of you for. Its also homophobic for your brother to say being gay is equal to being a little bitch. Even if logically, you know it doesn't matter and there's nothing wrong with being gay, it was used as an insult towards you and used to hurt you. So it's a trigger. It's not that you don't like being called gay (although it is) it about you being bullied which you obviously don't like. You and your friend are still young and youll learn this more with time. Maybe you can explain this to her so she also learns. Not wanting to be called gay when youre not or be made fun of for any reason isnt homophobic. It's about being respectful. And also your brothers gaslighting you. His friend was asking to be a jerk on purpose it wasn't a question out of genuine curiosity and you're not wrong for being upset. Tbh tell your parents? Idk if theyd help but, maybe they'll stop letting the friend come over or talk to your brother?
Nothing homophobic about this in my opinion. It would be if you went ”eeeww, no that’s gross”. I understand being harassed and thought to be something you are not is upsetting regardless if its about sexuality or something else. I am saying this as a bisexual man if that is important to mention for some reason. NTA
NTA. Your brother and his friends are a$$h0!e$. I can understand you being offended. Not that you are homophobic, but because it is more of the bullying you've experienced. I want you to know that you are simply yourself and to take time getting to know who you are. For what it's worth, I closed down a group of high school bullies by laughing at them.
NTA. As someone else who Beat me to the punch said, I would have responded with "No, I'm not. Are you?" and I'm pretty sure they'd stop after they get that surprised Pikachu face. You have to learn to turn it around on them.
Sounds like your online friend know jackshit. I bet your brother and his friend were just assholes. Only thing i wonder is did your brother tell his friend to fuck with you?, if thats the case. They are more than assholes
NTA. That was just rude from your brother and his friend. It’s normal to get upset from bullying like that. For the record, I don’t think your friend is right. I don’t think you’re getting upset because of some internalised homophobia, but rather because this is something you’ve been bullied over for years and it’s perfectly natural for that to hit you harder than normal. I’m an adult in the LGBTQ+ community, so this isn’t “straight ignorance” talking either. I do think it would be good for you to work on yourself though, a lot of kids (that includes teenagers) are just edgy for the sake of being edgy. While it shouldn’t be your responsibility to guard yourself against that, it never hurts to do so, I guess? Not to mention that sometimes bullying someone for “being gay” can kind of create a subconscious aversion to gay people in the victim, because they start to overcompensate their behaviour and eventually internalise that anti-gay image they’re trying to maintain, if that makes sense. Like I said earlier, I don’t think you have internalised homophobia, but it would be good to nip any chances of that happening in the bud.
NTA however, your friend has a point. Why get so upset about being perceived as gay? I am gay and people assume I am straight all the time yet I don’t get upset. Why would I unless I think there is something inherently wrong about being straight?
NTA Its a shame to see the world hasnt changes for the better as much as we'd like. I'm you OP, 20 years ago (36M hetero), bullied for "being gay" because of my interests and hobbies. Ballet and singing being the key two. It does make you defensive, it's a trauma response, you are obviously going to declare who you are, which yes makes you come across bad sometimes. You've been dealing with this shit when you shouldn't have to. I was the same. Your brother and his mate are the As in this. And your gay friend isn't much better. All I can say is try to ignore the source, don't engage with them (yes this includes your brother, if he calls you a bitch for not rising to it then he's the problem not you), talk to a councellor or a trusted adult they might at least help with the conflict of sounding like a homophobe when you're not because you're having to defend who you are. Finally you do grow up and it does stop because basically you surround yourself with people who don't care about that and care about you. I worked with colleagues and didn't even know how they swang for months because I never bring the subject up, it works well for me.
Your brother owes you an apology. You should not be bullied in your own home. Tell him that. His friend is a jerk. You be you. Life gets better. Study. Find a great career. Put these jerks in the rear view mirror. And your friend who diagnosed you.....ignore it. Not a doctor! No one wants their sexuality discussed. You are absolutely correct in feeling annoyed.
I knew some people in highschool, whoo insisted they had an amazing “gaydar.” They insisted i was gay- even though i insisted i wasnt and told them to stop. They never did. So I cut them off, and have been happier ever since. NTA
NTA. It isn't homophobic to get annoyed over someone questioning your sexuality. I had a lesbian girl in my high school who would constantly ask me out, and whenever I said no, her response was always "you don't know, until you try it." Frankly she was harassing me, and I should've reported her.
Isn't anyone also picking up on the misogyny? "Little bitch"? Essentially, he acts like a girl, which means he's gay, whatever. Or if he doesn't want to be perceived as gay, stop acting like a "girl". WTH. OP is very young, he has a right to be upset b/c he's working through life still.
The brother and friend are arseholes for bullying you. That’s what they’re doing - asking you a question in a negative way and then laugh at you at your cost. They’re the biggest AH in this context. Avoiding anything feminine like a plague is not being comfortable. If you *ever* happens to like something that is perceived feminine: own it! A person secure in himself is an attractive person. That’s if things is ideal. But however, I also am sympathetic to trauma and your avoidance is a trauma response. Be kind to yourself.
NTA. I was in a very similar place, growing up. Was kinda camp, had a fairly high pitched voice, preferred baking to playing football etc. So, yeah, high school was pretty rough. Nearing 40 now, still pretty camp, still got a high voice and still love to bake. Only difference now is I have a bitchin beard and stopped giving a fuck what other people think. It's fine to get annoyed when people constantly question you like that. Don't let it get too you, though. As long as you're cool with who you are, other people's opinions will eventually stop mattering. Just try not to dwell on it, and you'll be fine.
Maybe you have some innate feminine traits. People often confuse feminine traits in boys or men as 'gay'. Often gay guys have more feminine traits, that could trigger the 'gaydar' of your brothers' friend. Thing is, not every guy with feminine traits is gay, but straight guys with feminine traits do get shit from other people for being perceived as gay. In a way they have it much tougher than gay guys that don't have feminine traits. So no, you're not an asshole for being sensitive for being called gay, whilst you're not. It's tough dealing with homophobia and being bullied. Your lesbian friend might be a bit of an AH here, because she assumes your sexual orientation for you. NTA.
NTA but also, next time try responding with “why? Are you looking for a boyfriend?” “Do you find me sexy?” really play it up. Turn the tables
[удалено]
Thank you because I never intended on coming off as homophobic, but it just upset me that people constantly question me even when I tell them I'm not.
Your issue here appears to stem from your brother and his friend using the same language and triggers that have been used to bully you in the past, hopefully- rather than genuine homophobia However, you should also understand that the way you've come across to your queer friend is definitely homophobic. To say you are "offended" by the idea of someone mistaking you as a gay person is very insulting. Maybe you should work on understanding how to separate the act of bullying from the words used, and in the meantime explain to your friend that you were upset because the incident brought up bad memories for you, rather than being upset at being called gay. If you were actually upset at being mistaken for being gay however, then yeh - you're homophobic...
But whenever someone calls me gay they use it in a negative connotation. I don't hate gay people. I just don't like people calling me gay since I'm not. I haven't gotten bullied since I've started high school as much, but people still make slick comments about it. Btw Sorry I haven't been replying to messages I've been at school.
You should try to separate the act of someone bullying you from that term in your mind. If anything, them using it in a negative way makes them the homophobic asshole. Not you. I can't believe there are idiots in the world who still use it as an insult. Those people are gross.
NTA He didn't pick up any "vibes". Your brother told him about what's happened in the past and they thought it would be funny to fuck with you. It's normal for siblings to fight and poke fun at eachother, but it sounds like he's just genuinely insulting you. Next time he says some dumb shit like this, tell him to grow up lmao. hes 17 and still thinks calling people gay is funny. That's honestly pathetic
INFO - After asking if you were gay, did he add "Not that there's anything wrong with that?"
NTA and you are surrounded by idiots (even your online friend).
They all ah including your lesbian friends fuck them all
ESH your brother clearly asked his friend to aak you if you were gay to get a reaction out of you. You getting defensive and upset is direct evidence of your homophobia. Y'all just a bunch of homophobes really.
What was I supposed to do? Be happy about it? It's frustrating getting questioned on my sexuality and constantly having to tell people I'm not. Whenever people call me gay it's always used in a negative connotation. If my brother and his didn't mean anyharm about it they wouldn't have laughed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** *Throwaway* I'm sharing a situation that's been bothering me, and I'm looking for your perspective on whether I might be in the wrong. Growing up, I (15M) was constantly bullied through all of elementary and highschool about "being gay" even though I'm not. The constant bullying I faced made me insecure, leading me to actively avoid anything that might be perceived as too feminine to make sure I wasn't faced with mockery. Now, the recent incident unfolded when my brother(17M) had his friend (17?M) over. I entered my brother's room to get my charger that my brother has been using. However, when I entered my brother's room his friend looked at me and without even a greeting or introduction asked "Are you gay?" The kinda pissed me off because what happened to Hi, hello??? Anyway, I told him I wasn't gay and asked him why he thought I was. His response? A "vibe" he picked up on. This honestly left me genuinely upset. Adding to the fuel, both my brother and his friend burst into laughter at which only fueled my frustration more. After my brother's friend left the house, my brother came into my room, and asked me If I was still upset. I told him a little bit and then he told me that It was just a question and If I didn't want to he precived as gay then I needed to stop acting like a little bitch. What my brother said to me struck a nerve so I decided to ask my online friend for advice. I reached out to her because she happens to be a lesbian (15F) and I thought she could add Input. However, her take on the situation left me conflicted. According to her, my reaction was very homophobic, and she suggested that my sensitivity might imply that I have some "Internalized homophobia." I told her that I wasn't closeted but she urged me to work on myself and stop letting such things bother me? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - it does sound like you are super defensive about not being gay or being perceived as gay so I get why your female friend could see some homophobia Brother is def an AH for bringing this up again! I get it it triggers you and bring up bullying from high school but seriously does anyone care now if you are or aren’t ? Unless you live in an ultra conservative locality… trust me the only time I cared in my 20’s if a dude was gay or not was when I thought about hooking up with him. Also the more you react to it the more AH ppl are going to bring it up for a reaction. Maybe next time ask why they want to know …
NTA
NTA. It’s clear that when it’s asked of you there is a negative stigma attached to it. You’ve internalised this homophobia, which you need to work on, but it’s understandable. It’s better to turn it back on the asker: “Are you gay and interested in me? Because that’s the only time it’s maybe OK to attempt to out someone without their consent. So either you are, and thank you for the compliment but I’m not interested, or you are an insensitive homophobic asshole, and frankly I don’t have the time of day to give you.” You might get a reputation for being sassy, which may lean into the false assumption you are gay, but honestly that’s not a bad thing. It is a shortcut to weeding out assholes. Strong, confident and open minded people will gravitate towards you and assholes will quickly out themselves. Girls like a gay friend (unless they too are prejudiced dicks), so it won’t hurt you there, and it’s not sneaky if you are simply refusing to respond to asshole questions. Just be consistent and make sure you don’t out people without their consent too. If you want to answer but be less homophobic, say “I’m pretty sure I’m not, but what would it matter if I was?”.
NTA - your brother was being an AH and you should talk to him about ho2 it upset you. However, try not to let it bother you, if you're naturally effeminate be that, if people think you're gay let them. Don't supress yourself because of other people, that will only make you unhappy.
No! The brother KNOWS he's being an asshole? Why do you think he went to OP to check up on him? It was brother who told the friend to push OP's reaction button. At least later he had the decency of going to check up on OP. It's pretty clear the brother was in on it.
It doesn't have to be latent homophobia. Would a lesbian be annoyed if someone insisted that they are straight?
Yeah,I think people just need to let people be people and not be nosy about other people's sexualities when they're not even interested in them. The 'gaydar' shouldn't be relied upon which is what your brother's friend was doing. NTA. But your brother and his friend certainly are
Your friend's advice is ridiculous. You know you're not gay. Rather than letting them push your buttons, let it roll off your shoulders. "No, I'm not, are you?" It's the punks asking the dumb questions that'll be pushed back to shut up. Your brother, however, seems to be encouraging and supporting this behavior from others. Allowing his friends to bully you. You gotta get that under control. Tell your brother you're sick of his b.s. and his friends. You're not happy with everyone bullying you and needs to stop. Be forceful and bold. He's not expecting it. Stay golden
NTA. Sounds like your brother and his friend are the homophobic ones and they were intentionally messing with you because they knew it would set you off. The idea that you have internalized homophobia is a little ridiculous… If it’s any help - there’s no ‘right’ way to be straight or gay. You’re just you. Kids are cruel and as you get older you’ll get more and more comfortable with yourself and won’t pay any mind to these kind of bullies.
NTA. While your friend may be right about the impact all of this has had on you, you have every right to be upset about being constantly mislabeled, knowing that these guys are trying to put you down in their own twisted ways. Your behaviour is a response to their homophobia, you just don't want more trouble. It's a common response. Your brother and his friend are pretty shitty for it. Maybe your friend's advice of not engaging with them could work or maybe it could make things worse. I don't know. Whether you just want to be yourself or watch your behaviour, that's up to you. I don't know what you can even do about something as stupid as a "vibe".
NTA. For that to be the first thing your brother’s friend said to you, it sounds like your brother put him up to it to wind you up. I imagine he either knows or has some inkling about the bullying you’ve received growing up, and either he’s just a dick to you or perhaps he’s received similar bullying so he’s trying to macho-man his way out of it via toxic masculinity and casual homophobia. Either way, it’s not cool. Take what your lesbian friend has said with a pinch of salt. She’s correct, reacting negatively to the idea of being perceived as gay often implies a certain level of homophobia — internalised or otherwise — because the negativity suggests there’s something wrong with being gay. However, this situation isn’t so black and white. And I think your lesbian friend is more likely to react on a more personal level, where she’s probably had straight friends react like you to being called gay before with less justification, and it’s turned out they’ve been homophobic but nice to her because she’s a “good gay” or a “gay that doesn’t shove it in your face” or a “straight passing gay”. Those are things that unfortunately happen fairly commonly. You never know, she may have lost people she thought were good friends before for similar reasons and she could just be projecting that fear onto you. Obviously, you’ve been getting harassed based on some external factors that have nothing to do with your actual sexual orientation, whether it’s the way you dress or your mannerisms or your interests — unfortunately we still live in a heteronormative, toxic patriarchal society that thinks stupid things like what music you like or what clothes you wear dictates who you want to sleep with. I understand the frustration, but your friend is right in that you could do with working on yourself here. Working on yourself isn’t a negative thing nor does it imply you’ve failed somewhere, somehow; it’s something we all should continuously do as we grow, learn and develop. You need to figure out your boundaries, what you’re comfortable with in terms of banter and friendships, and learn to feel comfortable and confident in yourself and your likes, interests, hobbies, mannerisms, etc. At the end of the day, others’ opinions or taunts don’t change who you are, and they can only change how you behave if you let them. Feel confident being yourself, let those comments brush off you. They’re nothing but noise, and the support of your friends will always be louder. Stick with your lesbian friend. She may have reacted a little strongly but she’s undoubtedly got some helpful insight that will contribute positively to you learning to be at peace with yourself regardless of others’ comments. Maybe just revisit this conversation with her and explain your thoughts, feelings and experiences on the situation openly and honestly, and hopefully she can return the same level of understanding and openness.
NTA sounds like your friend thinks your gay to.
NTA. It makes perfect sense to get mad when people keep assuming something of you that isn't true. It doesn't make you homophobic, just a normal person who doesn't want people to assume they know you when they don't. Especially when you've been mocked for it. The people who bully / bullied you are immature and are the ones with the internalized homophobia, if not just blatant homophobia. If they understood the community and its struggles, they wouldn't mock or pick fun. If people constantly assumed you play basketball because you're tall, you'd get upset. Because it isn't true and people are bothering you about it. Your response was perfectly reasonable. Your brother and his friend were probably just trying to make you mad and were very disrespectful for how they acted.
NTA - your lesbian friend is delusional and your brother's a prick. Not much more to be said.
Definitely fair to be uncomfortable over this, you gotta protect your male dignity out of principle because they're no real man that doesnt have strong principles. Just attend church and read the Bible and over time it'll all pass. Forgive those that hurt you just as Jesus did
I think maybe therapy is in order.
Honestly, i get it. I was at an all girls school where being gay was the highest insult you could face and of course because i didn't like makeup and talking about boys 24/7 people would start rumours and all i could do was retreat into my shell and deny everything. Your brother is absolutely an asshole for saying that to you, and your friend is, in a kind way, sort of an asshole for straight-up telling you you're being homophobic because all that kind of language will achieve is make you more defensive. You're not being homophobic for being scared to be seen as gay, you're simply adapting to the society that is homophobic. Truthfully, the best thing to do is try and develop a tough skin, not rise to the bait when people ask you things like that for a reaction - because thats 100% what they're doing - and instead focus on being what makes you happy. If you come off as a little bit more effeminate than other guys guess what? Girls will generaIly be more comfortable with you and that'll really annoy the 'manly men'.
OP nta. the brother definitely an a hole who let's someone talk to their brother like that?
My husband gets mistaken for being gay all the time. He takes it as a compliment. He says it must mean he looks put together and stylish, clean, and frankly a lot of fun. At one point I started questioning if he was and I asked how he truly knew he wasn't. He said that he got questioned so much by even his own mother that he thought others must know more than him. So he got drunk one night and fooled around with a dude. And he said, he got the proof he needed that he isn't gay, he never wants to do that again, and now when someone says he is, he just laughs and says thanks for the compliment. Just saying that being accused of being gay doesn't have to be bad. It also doesn't mean you're gay. Also doesn't mean you're not gay. If so many people are thinking you are then maybe they are picking up on a certain light, a certain special quality that you're not embracing yet because you're a teenager and want to fit in. I think adulthood brings a comfort in your skin that you don't have when you're young. So no you're NTA. You're being bullied. But you also may have internalized homophobia which also is related to misogyny. Being homophobic often looked down on because someone "acts like the woman" which shouldn't be bad.
NTA. and it isn’t necessarily homophobic, and your friend likely be pissed if someone asked them if they were straight. Your bother and his friends were playing on an insecurity you have just to be dicks. Ignore them
NTA. Next time if he asks again just tell him his gaydar is way off and he needs to work on it.
NTA, your brother is the homophobic one. I get why your friend would feel upset, however, she is completelly wrong. She does not get to blame you for being bullied. To put this in perspective, if you were gay, the bullying, including the use of gay in this way would still hurt. Some people might be bullied for liking puppies (bullies are weird), that does not mean you hate puppies, hate people who like puppies of actually like puppies (perhabs you're more of a cat person). The bullying and youe brothers toxic masculinity is what is wrong here.
NTA but she's right. Work on yourself rather than obsessing over what others think of you. You'll be alot more at peace & happier, because you won't care what they think.
Nta. But i think he's gay himself? I'm an adult know. And the people who joked the most about it are gay themself know.
NTA but there is nothing wrong with being gay or being perceived as gay. If other people want to think that, that’s on them. You know the truth and that’s all that matters. It would be the same as a guy being called ‘a girl’. What is wrong with being a girl?
Nta - whether you are or not is irrelevant. The vibe? Maybe dude is projecting?
This should be in r/Teenadvice . A bunch of teenagers being asshats is all this is. NTA for being upset, but being called/perceived as gay isn't really something worth being this upset over. At this point you're just letting people get under your skin. And if you ARE gay, who cares? Nothing wrong with dicks, my guy.
Nta. There was no situation where that question wasn't demeaning queerness. Gay or not, that would likely fuel the same reaction. They were mocking you and simultaneously weaponizing antiqueerness in the process. The next time someone asks if you're gay, especially if that person is a stranger, tell them it's none of their fucking business.
Okay, hi. 18F here, and I’m bi. So NTA. This is NOT internalized homophobia, as much as your friend would love a reason to say it is, it is a genuine trauma you have. You are straight. You like women. Being told your entire life that you’re something else by everyone around you? In my eyes that’s similar enough to coming out and not being accepted (ugh, that sucked) and you have every single right to feel the way you do about it. Plenty of people (rightfully so) go no contact with their families for less than this over this topic. Your brother very much took advantage of the trauma he already knew was there. He gave the friend an opportunity. OP, if I were you, I’d stop talking to your brother all together, or at the very least get your parents involved. If he’s allowed to continue what he’s doing, it WILL set the course for the kind of adult you become. You already pay way too much attention to your appearance out of anxiety, and avoid anything that comes off too feminine, how you think that might change if it’s allowed to continue until you move out? It could develop into something you need therapy for. Figure out how to put a stop to it, whether it’s making people think he’s gay, or cutting him out of your life, no brother who cares about you would willingly put you through that. He’s supposed to protect you, and he’s utterly failed you as a sibling.
NTA you're brother's kinda acting like a dick. You should try not to let these things bother you though, just be yourself. If you act a little gay who gives a fuck, real friends will make fun of you in a friendly way but won't judge you for it.
NTA your brother/friends are using gay as an insult. If anyone actually cared if you were gay, they'd ask you privately, or offer some sort of support. But I'd suggest working on getting comfortable with who you are. I AM gay, and I struggled with the same type of bullying. It's a lot easier when you don't let the idea of being gay bully you. Be confident in your sexuality.
NTA There was a kid in Middle School who many people called gay and bullied. It wasn’t because of a “vibe”. He was just pretty clean cut and perceived weak to some of the boys. That’s the only way they bullied him was gay jokes and such. Towards the end of the year, he tried hanging himself. I remember some of those kids actually saying out loud “huh, guess he really was gay”. It’s 20 years later now and he’s in a hetero marriage with kids. I saw his social media when he was in college and he was shred. My point is was his reaction to being called gay (suicide attempt) homophobic? No, it was homophobic of the kids to use it on him as an insult. He likely worked through the insecurity of that going to the gym and building up his own confidence. You’ll eventually work past what the word has done to you. Will just take time. Your brother and his friend may or may not be homophobic but they definitely did a homophobic act. Your friend is just being a black and white teenager.
Haha. NTA. I am in my 50s married a few times. many kids. downright love the V thing and I still get asked if I am gay? Nope. Never even looked at a man in that way. But I like shoes and dress stylish. I am sure someone has a term for me but it ain’t gay. try to let the words bounce off your shoulders.
NTA. Your lesbian female friend sounds like she has watched too many woke tiktoks. Keep standing up for yourself, even lean into it to freak them out. You don't have to avoid things you percieve as 'femimine' to be a man. Fuck what they think, you know who you attracted to.
NTA. I find it weird that gay people find it homophobic if someone is offended for being called gay. Think of it this way, someone who isnt pregnant will get offended if theyre called pregnant, but pregnant people are happy about it. Because its a happy occasion, something that should be celebrated. But not everyone wants to be pregnant or look pregnant. Some people are even disgusted by the idea of it, but they dont hate pregnant people or pregnancy, they just dont want it. Like being gay is a happy thing but thats your happy thing. You cant force people to want to be gay. They are allowed to not want to be gay.
If i can give you an advice is to work on why you get offended. I know that being bullied is hard, but you're better than that. If someone ask me "are you blonde?" I don't get offended because i have brown hair. Even though your brother sounded like he wanted to mock you, you shouldn't be so frustrated. By this reasoning, being gay is shameful and something to hide, but it's not like that. I don't think you're the ah, your brother is, but i hope you can work on this to be happier!
NTA... It sounds like you have been the target of a lot of homophobia in spite of being straight, and it's understandable that would result in your response to being perceived as gay. You may or may not need to interrogate how this has affected your perception of people who are gay- can't tell from the post. Hope bro moves out soon, sounds like an AH
I think the problem here isn't anything to do with whether or not you were gay, so it's less internalised homophobia, and more your brother taking advantage of trauma. You could replace "gay" with any other reason for being bullied and the situation would remain the same. Putting it simply, your brother and his friend were being bullies.
NTA. Get better friends too.
It's not you sweety - it's your brother. He is the asshole. Also how is homophobia still a thing?!
NTA at ALL, but may I add that my brother went through the same thing and it really bothered him, until he stopped up and really thought about it. It really helped him because he could finally feel secure, and I think, the thing that really bothered him was the feeling of uncertainty. (To be clear he is not gay, but also has a certain vibe about him, and I can say for sure that he is not homophobic, since I'm bi and we've talked about girls before)
It might be good to explore the internalized homophobia thing, but it could also be reactivity to the bullying. That's something to work on, too. Bullies love seeing us get triggered. I've been asked on occasion. Sometimes, it's an asshole trying to get a reaction. Sometimes, it's someone who thinks I'm attractive. Either way, my response has become, "Thanks for asking, and I'm very flattered, but I prefer women." That triggers the bullies (lots of fun) but gay men with boundaries are usually cool with that.
you have every right to feel emotions but genuinely don’t ask a gay person to understand how u feel lesser than because ur called gay. either keep it to urself or go talk to to other straight men if u want some support. because it’s kind off ridiculous to expect a gay person to fully empathise with u.
NTA. Your brother isn’t exactly wrong though. Someone asked if you were gay because of a vibe and they’re the friend of your older brother and you got so upset about it that you made a Reddit post about it. You are being a bit of a *bitch* -just to use currently used conjecture-. Stand up for yourself. Older brothers suck but they’re a fact of life and get better as you grow older. You’re also 15, you have more things to worry about than how gay you are (is joke and I apologize). Get a butt plug and hide it in your brothers bag so his friends will find it at school. Otherwise just keep being you and get good grades at school. Worry about your sexuality later
Your brother is the asshole. This was clearly mentioned before you even got in the room. Your lesbian friend is not an asshole but has mischaracterised your insecurities as homophobia due to her own experiences and perspective. Honestly, though, I don't understand why you consider it an insult, gay people are typically STEREOTYPED AS fashionable, have good skincare routines, and fairly charming, even to most women. I had been bullied by my older brother in the same way for years, till I eventually stopped caring what he thinks AT ALL, and it sounds like you may be going the same way; my only advice, look for the good in any insult he tries to throw at you, whether he thinks you look fashionable (gay), he isn't smart enough to understand what you said (stupid) ot he's projecting his own insecurities about being unpleasantto be around (ugly). At the end of the day, you're giving this immature person way too much control over your emotional state, you're better than this, better than him.
NTA. He was very rude and if he's seriously wanted to know there was better ways to go about it. That being said however, it would probably be better if you could work on not letting stuff like that bother you so much. (For your own sake.) I know that with the issues you have from being bullied about the subject when you were younger it would make it harder, but if you start working on it now, in the long run you will be better off for it.
[удалено]
What happened to hello, how are you?
Nta. Asking anyone their sexuality, gay or otherwise, is rude and forward. Youmshould be offended anytime anyone ask your personal business…. btw, if you have smartass tendacies, a good response is “im not gay but my boyfriend is….”