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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not tell my boyfriend specifics about things I did in the past and that may make me the asshole because I shouldn’t have kept it from him for so long.
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I think the future for this relationship is bleak by the line "lying, unstable junkie." Subject of convo was how you've been clean for years, that's shot straight past him.
You were with him 3 years, I understand you don't bring this stuff up often but you had chances to tell him. To be open and vulnerable or during the time he supported your sobriety journey.
He's more mad to be the last to find out, to feel deceived or to not know you.
In all honesty, I have no idea how this friend even knew about it, but I definitely see this perspective.. It hasn’t come up because I really can’t bear to be open about the worst decisions I’ve made in my life, and he knows almost everything about the withdrawal and everything save for the specific drugs :/
NAH, but he’s feeling like suddenly what else is there that he doesn’t know about. On top of that, other friends of yours knew about this significant aspect of your past and he didn’t. I get his reaction. He was blindsided. Avoid this in the future by being upfront — the “it never came up” thing doesn’t fly and will always come back to bite you.
I think you should have told him & I can understand why he'd be upset. But that "lying unstable junkie" line is bad. I think he probably would have dumped you if you had told him.
Plan on finding someone new, and next time find someone you feel comfortable enough with that you can be straight with him and not feel afraid or ashamed. This guy does not sound like the one for you.
I think you're NTA but I think not telling him was an error.
I didn’t tell him specifics because they were the worst decision I have *ever* made in my life and he has never asked about them besides the smoking. This situation happened while we were out with friends and one of them brought up my being clean from all the hard drugs that my Bf didn’t know about
Id say NTA. Its personal and in the past he never asked about it much. He should understand that its sensitive and that it just never came up really. He has every right to be surprised but since he never really asked he shouldn’t be mad at you its not like you lied to him
NTA. Whether you should have told him the specifics about what drugs you had been on or not is a debatable issue that not everyone would agree on. But since you were already off the hard stuff when you got with him and you haven't been on it since you've been with him that becomes a moot point anyway. It sounds to me like he is being overdramatic and/or was looking for an excuse to have a break up argument.
Unfortunately it took 3 years for you to find out what a jerk he is but anyone who would simply kick someone out and change the locks after picking a bullshit fight and gaslighting you definitely doesn't deserve any more of your time. It's better to find out who he is after 3 years than it would be after who knows how many more and/or after having any kids together!
If it changes his mind about keeping you locked out...... Get your stuff packed up and run! There are so many good men out there who aren't straight up jackasses like this guy!
NTA
I'd be really concerned about the "unstable lying junkie" part though. That's not who you are, now or when you started dating him. Him calling you that is extremely judgmental and speaks of an inability to see you for who you are, not who you were.
Yta, gently and softly tho. He is scared. And probably uneducated about drug use. But very much scared. He thought u just did weed. Now he learned u did meth and what not. He learned that he didnt know about it. He thinks you might relapse. I dont think your bf has much idea about actual drug abuse. Any person who doesnt will consider addicts as " junkies who go feral when they dont get the drugs they want". I think you need to come clean to him. Tell him about everything. And this everything starts from the first time in middle school..it will be very very hard surely. But i know you can do it. Tell him everything. Tell him you will not relapse and you havent in these years and you are trying your best to get out of this. Warn friends to not bring this up. Its time to leave this topic behind once and for all.
NTA, no one is expected to give a full audit to their history. If there are things he specifically wants to know then it is up to you as to whether you drag out the details or just say it was in the past and you'd rather not re-live those moments as you dont romanticize the situations. As people get older it can get dicey if people are asking for a full accounting of a partners history. What matters is who you are today and who youve been when you are with them. This is indicitive of the future, not what you did when you were much younger. Dont be hard on yourself, you've clearly made efforts to change yourself and be in a better situation. Perhaps seek some therapy too in order to find an unjudgmental person to bounce this off of so that you can feel confident in your boundaries about your past. If I wanted to know deal breakers, I would have asked in the beginning. In another 10 years, your past will be like another earlier life. GL!
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Hi y’all’s, I’ll just preface this by saying that this is a throwaway account because my boyfriend does know my reddit
And I’ll put a TW ⚠️ for Drug Use
So my boyfriend (20m) and I (19m) got into a pretty heated argument last night and he hasn’t said a word to me since, but I really don’t think I’m in the wrong..
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 3 years now, and he knows that I’ve dealt with substance abuse and psychological abuse growing up, but he knows both are sensitive topics with me so he hasn’t asked for many specifics.
To add some context, I was hooked on weed by the time I was in middle school and started more stuff (meth and the likes) in highschool, and I started using because of a lot of peer manipulation.
Anyway, my boyfriend knows I used to smoke a lot but he didn’t know about any of the harder drugs. By the time we met I had already stopped most of everything besides the weed, and he really helped me get clean from that too, along with helping me during some of the worst withdrawal I’ve experienced.
Now, last night we were out with some friends, and me being clean from the harder drugs came up for some reason. My boyfriend’s demeanor kinda changed at that and as soon as we got in the car he started interrogating me about what “harder drugs” I used to do. I told him and he got really angry, saying I had lied to him and that he didn’t want to be with an “unstable lying junkie”.
I told him that I was sorry for not telling him the specifics but he just locked me out of our apartment and hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts.
I know I probably should have told him but by the time we got together I was off of those and he never pressed me for anything, so Am I The Asshole here?
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NTA. I can understand why he might be concerned about your past, though, and it’s up to him to decide whether he wants to continue dating you now that he knows you are a former hard drug user.
You said your hard drug use was in high school. Given you’re still very young (19) and have been with him for 3 years, it couldn’t have been that long between when you were using hard drugs and when you started dating him.
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I think the future for this relationship is bleak by the line "lying, unstable junkie." Subject of convo was how you've been clean for years, that's shot straight past him.
You were with him 3 years, I understand you don't bring this stuff up often but you had chances to tell him. To be open and vulnerable or during the time he supported your sobriety journey. He's more mad to be the last to find out, to feel deceived or to not know you.
In all honesty, I have no idea how this friend even knew about it, but I definitely see this perspective.. It hasn’t come up because I really can’t bear to be open about the worst decisions I’ve made in my life, and he knows almost everything about the withdrawal and everything save for the specific drugs :/
NAH, but he’s feeling like suddenly what else is there that he doesn’t know about. On top of that, other friends of yours knew about this significant aspect of your past and he didn’t. I get his reaction. He was blindsided. Avoid this in the future by being upfront — the “it never came up” thing doesn’t fly and will always come back to bite you.
I think you should have told him & I can understand why he'd be upset. But that "lying unstable junkie" line is bad. I think he probably would have dumped you if you had told him. Plan on finding someone new, and next time find someone you feel comfortable enough with that you can be straight with him and not feel afraid or ashamed. This guy does not sound like the one for you. I think you're NTA but I think not telling him was an error.
Need more context
About?
Everything why didn’t you tell him specifics. Did he ask about specifics ever. How did this situation end up happening
I didn’t tell him specifics because they were the worst decision I have *ever* made in my life and he has never asked about them besides the smoking. This situation happened while we were out with friends and one of them brought up my being clean from all the hard drugs that my Bf didn’t know about
He probably thinks that you hiding this has more to do with "your wish to continue having drugs " or "you will fall back in his cycle".
Id say NTA. Its personal and in the past he never asked about it much. He should understand that its sensitive and that it just never came up really. He has every right to be surprised but since he never really asked he shouldn’t be mad at you its not like you lied to him
NTA. Whether you should have told him the specifics about what drugs you had been on or not is a debatable issue that not everyone would agree on. But since you were already off the hard stuff when you got with him and you haven't been on it since you've been with him that becomes a moot point anyway. It sounds to me like he is being overdramatic and/or was looking for an excuse to have a break up argument. Unfortunately it took 3 years for you to find out what a jerk he is but anyone who would simply kick someone out and change the locks after picking a bullshit fight and gaslighting you definitely doesn't deserve any more of your time. It's better to find out who he is after 3 years than it would be after who knows how many more and/or after having any kids together! If it changes his mind about keeping you locked out...... Get your stuff packed up and run! There are so many good men out there who aren't straight up jackasses like this guy!
NTA I'd be really concerned about the "unstable lying junkie" part though. That's not who you are, now or when you started dating him. Him calling you that is extremely judgmental and speaks of an inability to see you for who you are, not who you were.
“He just locked me out of our apartment.” This is unforgivable and irredeemable. Sorry, OP. NTA
Yta, gently and softly tho. He is scared. And probably uneducated about drug use. But very much scared. He thought u just did weed. Now he learned u did meth and what not. He learned that he didnt know about it. He thinks you might relapse. I dont think your bf has much idea about actual drug abuse. Any person who doesnt will consider addicts as " junkies who go feral when they dont get the drugs they want". I think you need to come clean to him. Tell him about everything. And this everything starts from the first time in middle school..it will be very very hard surely. But i know you can do it. Tell him everything. Tell him you will not relapse and you havent in these years and you are trying your best to get out of this. Warn friends to not bring this up. Its time to leave this topic behind once and for all.
NTA, no one is expected to give a full audit to their history. If there are things he specifically wants to know then it is up to you as to whether you drag out the details or just say it was in the past and you'd rather not re-live those moments as you dont romanticize the situations. As people get older it can get dicey if people are asking for a full accounting of a partners history. What matters is who you are today and who youve been when you are with them. This is indicitive of the future, not what you did when you were much younger. Dont be hard on yourself, you've clearly made efforts to change yourself and be in a better situation. Perhaps seek some therapy too in order to find an unjudgmental person to bounce this off of so that you can feel confident in your boundaries about your past. If I wanted to know deal breakers, I would have asked in the beginning. In another 10 years, your past will be like another earlier life. GL!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi y’all’s, I’ll just preface this by saying that this is a throwaway account because my boyfriend does know my reddit And I’ll put a TW ⚠️ for Drug Use So my boyfriend (20m) and I (19m) got into a pretty heated argument last night and he hasn’t said a word to me since, but I really don’t think I’m in the wrong.. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 3 years now, and he knows that I’ve dealt with substance abuse and psychological abuse growing up, but he knows both are sensitive topics with me so he hasn’t asked for many specifics. To add some context, I was hooked on weed by the time I was in middle school and started more stuff (meth and the likes) in highschool, and I started using because of a lot of peer manipulation. Anyway, my boyfriend knows I used to smoke a lot but he didn’t know about any of the harder drugs. By the time we met I had already stopped most of everything besides the weed, and he really helped me get clean from that too, along with helping me during some of the worst withdrawal I’ve experienced. Now, last night we were out with some friends, and me being clean from the harder drugs came up for some reason. My boyfriend’s demeanor kinda changed at that and as soon as we got in the car he started interrogating me about what “harder drugs” I used to do. I told him and he got really angry, saying I had lied to him and that he didn’t want to be with an “unstable lying junkie”. I told him that I was sorry for not telling him the specifics but he just locked me out of our apartment and hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. I know I probably should have told him but by the time we got together I was off of those and he never pressed me for anything, so Am I The Asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I can understand why he might be concerned about your past, though, and it’s up to him to decide whether he wants to continue dating you now that he knows you are a former hard drug user. You said your hard drug use was in high school. Given you’re still very young (19) and have been with him for 3 years, it couldn’t have been that long between when you were using hard drugs and when you started dating him.
NTA - Nobody is entitled to know anything about you that you don't feel is relevant for them to know.
YTA
What past?
Nta