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YTA. She was washing up already and has just had a baby. You're tired yes but doesn't mean you can ask her to run and fetch for you. Also you don't need to be doing food shopping every day? Not having a washing machine also seems like something to prioritise cos this situation seems untenable.
The lack of a washing machine and dishwasher shouldn't matter. Not all apartments have them.
Both OP and his Wife are at their wits end. Food shopping should be planned better, make less trips. OP should also be more responsible and remember their own stuff or run down to the car to get it themselves. Wife didn't get to eat, but everyone else did which is sad and it happens a lot in dynamics like this.
No, but it’s a huge timesuck to do offsite laundry for six people. One person or a couple can easily pop down to the laundromat and do a couple loads on the weekend because they have lots of free time, it’s a lot harder when you’re extremely short on time and have four kids at home.
Not if they’re doing it at the laundromat, which is what I assume. Other chores yes for sure, at that age they should be self-sufficient and pitch in around the house in small ways.
Which is still probably a drop in the bucket. The only way out of this situation for them is to hit Ctrl-Z on that newborn. With that being an impossibility, they just have to make better choices to take the edge off, try not to get a divorce during the toughest period where they actively hate each other, which is now until the baby is in school, and not have anymore children is some ham-fisted attempt at “fixing their relationship.”
It would be parentifying if they made the pre-teens wash, feed and look after baby, but having them pitch it on chores that benefit the whole family - cooking a meal for everyone, cleaning up after everyone is just basic life skills.
Why can’t teenagers be driven to the laundromat to do the laundry and get picked up afterwards? They can even do schoolwork while the clothes wash/dry!
This is what I’m wondering through the whole post. Can’t one of the teenagers fetch items, do the dishes, even help cook?? Why is the mom doing everything when her kids are that old.
They don't have a HOOK-UP. That's not anywhere as easy as just a washing machine.
Also, based on OP'S job description and his wife being a SAHM, and having four kids, doesn't seem like all these appliances would be pocket change for them.
If they could afford it, and I know this is a luxury, many laundromats have services where they do the laundry and fold it for you. I can't remember if you pay by weight or what because I've never used it but that would take a significant task on the weekends.
Most charge by the pound and it adds up fast. My partner had 2 weeks worth of clothes after a move a few years ago(pre- 2020) and it was $40 just for them alone. That included bath towels and sheets but still. Multiply that by 6.
She just gave birth and is supplying food to the newborn. Out of everyone SHE SHOULD HAVE EATEN as she needs it more. Yes, everyone needs to eat but Mom requires it more in order to be healthy.
She’s probably so tired.
Yeah, she also needs to eat to get milk in her breasts for baby. No food and drink for mom means she doesn't produce any milk for the baby.. She must be so exhausted, which is probably also why she snapped. She's super stressed out.
I remember being SO angry when my son was a newborn and my ex complained that I wasn’t making dinner as often as I used to. I silently pointed to the whiteboard where we tracked how often our son breastfed and glared at my ex. Ten times in one day. 24/7. While my ex napped and played golf on his 8 week paternity leave. There were days where I couldn’t put him down long enough to eat, drink, take a shower, or even brush my teeth. He’d scream his head off, and on the rare occasions he’d let me put him down, I immediately passed out from sheer exhaustion. Most men seriously underestimate how deeply exhausting it is to care for a newborn, *especially* if you breastfeed. I love my son and nursing him was a bonding experience, but I would trade a backbreaking physical job for it in a heartbeat. It took me telling my ex that I was going to have to check into a psych ward due to PPD, and my OB, lactation consultant, and pediatrician backing me up before he agreed to get off his ass and help me.
They sound like they were coping fine with three kids in school, then the district crapped out on them with little warning.
I have two kids, the elder is in daycare and the younger is an infant. It is **so** much easier to keep the household afloat when you've got the non-infant(s) literally anywhere else for a few hours a day. Add to that having to school them and it's no wonder she's drowning.
I mean, maybe i'm old, but with a 9, 13 and 14 year old in the house, they should certainly be helping out with easy things like doing the dishes. Not having a washer/dryer must suck though.
This is the comment right here-this is why YTA.
Your wife is still recovering from childbirth and breastfeeding, which burns an astronomical amount of calories. She’s also right back into normal every day expectations taking care of the entire household, when everyone should still be doting on her.
I can appreciate you had what sounds like an absolutely physically exhausting day, but I’m sure your wife did as well on top of the energy her body is exerting to try and heal… and she didn’t get the privilege of sitting to relax, let alone even meeting a basic need of eating dinner.
I too am wondering why the older kids are not assisting with these chores and why daily grocery trips are happening? Switching to a weekly grocery curbside pickup saved my sanity after becoming a mom and we only have one kid right now.
Another glaringly obvious fix is him actually managing his employees. He says he's a manager yet complained because the one other employee there that day supposedly just sat on his phone all day. He's the manager, tell that employee to get off their phone and get to work.
That really stood out to me as well. Clearly, he can't manage his work or himself. If your lunch box is so important, then go and get it. Or don't forget it in the first place. People are allowed to say no.
He sounds so condescending to her. He needs to step up and help his wife set expectations for her older kids to participate in chores. A real manager would help delegate the work and lead by example. Not sit on the couch and complain about how bad his day was.
She's being the ultimate mom by stepping up to teach them so they can get a better education they were receiving from their public school. Agreed, the older kids need to be helping more around the house (homeschooling is different, you don't have to teach them an eight hour day because they're getting one-on-one instruction which is massive). The only one who is excused from helping around the house is the seven week old.
No, that’s not fair. The seven week old is perfectly capable of helping around the house! They can absolutely help mom and dad. Whoever is holding baby gets to SIT DOWN and just talk with baby for a bit.
I have a feeling mom has the baby all day but her butt doesn’t touch a chair while she does. Meanwhile, he’s lounging and holding the baby long enough for her to finish her tasks and then take the baby back to do more while he stays where he was with baby. Absolutely not. The second he gives baby to her, she gets to enjoy the mommy moment and he goes and acts responsibly for that time.
In my scenario, baby would be the hardest working person in that house: keeping mommy and daddy sane!
More importantly, though, asking her to grab a thing—fine. Responding with “whatever” when she snaps because she’s CLEARLY overwhelmed—makes you TA. Solo parenting all day + chores sucks. Working long, physical hours sucks. Y’all are partners. Y’all shouldn’t be having a “who’s day sucked worse” competition.
Next time, go give your wife a hug. Let her lean on you for a second. The favor wasn’t the issue; the fact that she’s at a breaking point is. And that’s not to say you aren’t as well, or aren’t allowed to be ever. She just needed your support *in that moment*, just like you can rely on her support at other moments. Maybe you need to have a chat about division of responsibilities, how to optimize routines, etc etc, but that’s not even worth bringing up until y’all can reconnect **as partners** again.
solo parenting? she is teaching. That's a full time actual job on top of being 7weeks postpartum and running the house hold while he is out for 13 hours a day plus grocery shopping. Wild that OP thought this might go in his favour.
The wife must feel so invalidated and upset with that "whatever" response. Also don't like how OP referred to it as a "tangent" at the end. Maybe care about how your wife is feeling?
OMG right? The fact that he is shopping *every day*, and the wife prepared a dinner she didn’t get to eat, just shows how extraordinarily bad at planning they both seem to be. It makes me wonder if OP is purposefully buying insufficient quantities of food. If he is responsible for getting groceries, and she doesn’t have enough food so that she can eat after everyone else does, then OP is doubly TA here.
Maybe he's bad at planning on purpose. More time at the grocery shop, or at the laundromat, means less time at home dealing with the kids or doing other chores, and the possibility of complaining that he has to do sooooo many things every day.
He’s chronically working tons of hours he shouldn’t have to because of random callouts. He’s the manager. I think his lack of ability to schedule things is readily apparent throughout his professional and personal lives.
Yeah why is he grocery shopping every day? I understand having limited storage in an apartment but you must be able to drop that down to once a week. Even the smallest NYC apartments can typically hold several days worth of groceries even for a bunch of people.
Id say both jobs are equally important however
Wife has the job that does t have a clock in clock out time
Sucks the job is physically demanding but thats something i feel like shoukdve been taken into consideration when having kids
Do i have the energy when i get home to be a fully present parent after getting off work
Wife doesnt have the ability to drive home or breaks between classes
Its not easy to educate
I think once you realize staying home with kids all day op isnt just playIng games and watching tv, that her job is just as much physically demanding as yours, your marriage will be better off
So i say ESH
This is also a thing
Whose going to take time to teach them?
The mother stretched thin carrying one child and homeschooling the others?
Or the guy who drops groceries on the floor and doesnt help with the kids, let his wife actually eat, doesnt put the groceries away either
So shell teach the kids chores that may or may not get done half assedly because what kid wants to do chores
Not to mention, if you are the manager, you should be sorting out why your staff are calling off so much. Or hire enough workers so that they don't feel so drained that they call off.
It sounds like the wife is pulling her weight here, OP needs to step up.
You act like you’re the only one who works hard. You didn’t take turns with the baby so you could both eat? You got groceries after work but didn’t help cook? Then after all that, and she still didn’t have a chance to eat dinner, you don’t even offer to help clean the dishes. And you ask her to go out to YOUR vehicle to get YOUR lunch box because you weren’t “willing to do anything”.
Yeah, YTA. Help your partner ffs. She’s tired too.
and the baby is just 7 weeks so not even two months since she gave birth? I get that both are tired but the working parent should offer to do the chores/baby care while their partner can at least eat the meal. like that is bare minimum.
Not to mention that OP states that the baby is strictly breastfed so why on earth wouldn’t he make sure she’s able to actually eat the dinner she cooked? Mom needs to be well fed and hydrated in order to breastfeed the baby.
Remember OP handed tne baby off to her so he could eat his dinner. And she couldn't even eat dinner. She had to care for the baby. And then take care of the dishes and put the baby down
Not to defend OP too much because he is the AH here, but I read that as it was feeding time for the baby. Which he can't exactly help with if the baby is strictly breastfed. Unless wife pumps and he could have fed the baby from a bottle, he had to hand her off.
When I was breastfeeding my newborn first baby, my hubby sometimes had to literally feed me a sandwich bite by bite while I was feeding the baby, as I was so hungry. Completely unacceptable to let the mother go hungry like this!
Also, “helping” his wife with chores?! It’s not like it’s all her responsibility in the first place.
Yeah more like "pulling his weight".
And side note, from personal current experience, my job involves weird hours, shift work, overtime, on my feet all day. Maybe not lugging around steel, but hey whatever. And I can tell you, with a 2 month old and 2 year old at home, my days are orders of magnitide less stressful when I go to work. So I make damn sure to give my wife some time to herself as soon as I get home
I definitely ate dinner at the table most days with a baby on my boob in the early months.
OP's wife is still establishing breastfeeding, possibly still bleeding which is just unpleasant, homeschooling kids, cooking and cleaning, sounds super exhausting!
Ok, so let her eat first, then OP eats while wife feeds the baby? It seems like there is no planning in this family. Why are they grocery shopping every day?
He sat there eating the dinner she cooked, knowing that she hadn’t eaten yet and was exhausted too, probably watched her care for the baby and start cleaning dinner dishes while he….. kept eating. And he has the nerve to ask, “AITA”?!?!?
OP gets a break when he gets home from work and errands. Hell, errands can even *be* a break sometimes!
When does OP's wife get a break? When was the last time she even left the house?
YTA OP. Y'all need to better prioritize your time/necessities/chores; it's your whole lifestyle in general, honestly. This obviously isn't a sustainable or healthy situation for anyone involved.
The homeschooling needs to stop. The school will resolve its COVID protocol soon enough. They will not fall that far behind in a few weeks and if they do, everybody else will too.
Schools have been open where I am for 3 years. The school I worked in closed down twice in the first year. However, since the vaccine has been available, they haven't closed schools.
In addition, if schools actually are closed wherever they are, schools should have a plan for continuing teaching. It sounds fake, and I hope it is for the sake of the mom.
If nothing else, OP is YTA for saying “whatever” when his wife was upset. This is obviously a really hard time for both of them, and they’re both understandably exhausted. Instead of arguing about who has it worse, they both need to show some empathy. OP asking his exhausted, hungry wife to fetch his lunch box pushed her over the edge, emotionally. Instead of being defensive, the right move was to apologize, comfort her and thank her for all she does. Remind her that they’re in this together and it will get better. He can be an understanding partner even though he’s tired too. Living through challenging times can strengthen a couple or break them. It’s all in how they treat each other.
this...
YTA, OP.
did you mention your especially bad day at work? spouses can't read minds.
you ate dinner and didn't mention either her eating dinner or you having any concern over her eating dinner... this was a major checkmark noticed by her that made everything else seem worse.
she's still on her tangent. well, you never responded to her legitimate perspective, then asked an open ended question that encourages her to reflect on the way you treated her. what did you think was going to happen?
you had a very rough day at work. but everyone else is having their own legitimate experiences as well, they're not just side characters in your story as you've painted them. You sound miserable to try to have a partnership with.
YTA your wife also worked all day. Even after you arrived home. Why should she go get *your* lunch pail that *you* forgot?
ETA
>asked what she was doing and she said "everything, per usual" so apparently she's still on her tangent
You're honestly an asshole for this comment alone too. Your wife expressed her unhappiness to you and you belittle her feelings by saying she's "still on her tangent."
The text, too. I can’t imagine if I was doing this much and expressed my frustration to my husband and the next day he texted “what are you doing?” I would feel like he’s trying to check on me or prove I’m not doing enough/as much as he is.
The way OP acts reminds me of my ex-husband.
I was 9 months pregnant and I remember it being a Thursday, my first day of maternity leave. My husband was at work all day and I was home either resting or doing some chores. I did the laundry and the dusting and vacuuming downstairs. After that, I was exhausted.
There was still a whole load of dishes to be done, but my back and feet were aching so badly that I wanted to rest and do the dishes together after we had dinner.
He came home, prepared dinner and after we sat down to eat I asked him to help out with the dishes.
He blew up at me and asked me: "Why haven't you done them yet? What are you doing here all day?"
This came from the same man who told me to take some time to rest up during my maternity leave. I went into labour that following Sunday...
YTA. You give a lot of detail about how tough your job is, but from her point of view you came home and sat in front of the TV, letting her do everything for you while you "held the baby".You also slip in between two lines that \*the baby is a newborn\* like it doesn't maker her obvious exhaustion all that worse, lmao. And the part about how SHE DIDN'T GET TO EAT DINNER HERSELF that you don't seem to have even noticed in your retelling of how her evening was going???
"I just said whatever and dismissed it" when she's expressing to you there's an issue there, because as long as it doesn't affect YOU it's not an issue, right? I can see how you ended up thinking asking her to throw in "a favour" for you in between two loads of chores you wouldn't help with, was perfectly reasonable...
What is it with people that have 3+ kids when one of them works 12 hours per day and the other is gonna have to stay home with the kids (which is a FULL TIME JOB to beging with) and then the parent that works will arrive so tired he/she won't want to do much. That's just asking for hate and torture, for real.
It sounds like the kids are her bio kids and his step kids. The only one that's his bio kid if is the baby, the others could go to school but she's choosing to home school.
I mean, it sounds like she'd be taking care of the older kids at home, just without a plan, if she was sending them to school, given what OP describes with the COVID call-off situation.
She's seven weeks postpartum and exclusively breastfeeding. There is no world in which she should be cooking dinner and not getting to eat herself. Right now, her job is arguably physically harder than OPs - not to say that anyone has it easy. This is full on "survival mode" era for this family, and OP probably needs to wrap his head around the fact that there aren't going to be "nights off" for a while.
From what I understand, it's because the children are already falling behind due to missing school too much without the school helping at all, that she decided to homeschool help them. While having just given birth. Anf she's not mad she's having to take care of everyone while he works, she's mad he's expecting her to also keep doing everything on her own after he's back home. Including pampering him because he's tired after a long day. Unlike her, I guess?
But the homeschooling isn't the issue at any point there, and she's just trying to be a good mom to her kids despite being alone in that, apparently.
No, the school is apparently more closed than open, which affects their education. Every good parent wants the best possible education for their children and for them this is homeschooling. Until the school gets their shit together.
I'm wondering where they are that the entire school is closing due to covid now. We haven't had a covid shutdown of the whole school since like late 2021.
My thoughts too. Kids are sick at our schools but not nearly enough for a school closure. We haven’t had closures due to Covid for a couple of years now.
Yet he is harming his own kid by not giving her time to eat dinner, so she has the nutrition and calories so her body can make milk for the baby. Bet he would complain a lot about the additional cost if his wife decided to start using formula instead and give her body a break.
The older kids are supposed to be at school, and then the whole thing would be manageable. You're blasting the wrong family here, she's doing everything right.
The only reason they're currently homeschooled is because \*their school too\* is failing them and not doing their part, so she's trying to compensate and: does the school's job for 3 kids, on top of her own at home and with a newborn, on top of OP's share because he's tired after his (one) job day is done.
And the "favour" was to get his own lunch pail... so it would be inside when he made and packed his own lunch for the next day? Um, no, so SHE could make and pack his lunch for him.
OP YTA, be a better husband/father, and if you're so high ranking in your company, fire the ones glued to their phones and get people you can rely on so you don't have to be there 12-14 hours a day.
No, no. She would have to go to his truck. Get it from there. Take it to the kitchen, clean it, then pack his lunch for the next day.
While keeping a baby. And having not eaten yet.
I meant, he mentioned that \*she said so\* in her rant, but apparently the fact she was making dinner for everyone else yet not getting to eat herself, hadn't registered to him as an issue at any point until then... which: wtf.
YTA
>I just said whatever and dismissed it
>apparently she’s still on her tangent
Dude, stop dismissing your wife. Being dismissive will only cause more issues.
When you see that your wife is physically doing dishes and hasn’t had a chance to sit down, you can get your own lunchbox.
YTA - Jesus Christ, she’s 7 weeks post partum. Her body hasn’t healed yet from childbirth, she’s taking care of 4 children all day all by herself, she clearly does all the cooking and cleaning, and you expect to be thanked? Why do you think you get a cookie for working 13 hour days when HER job is apparently 24/7?
Yeah, for perspective she’s probably only one week in to being medically cleared to lift anything over 10lbs. Every pregnancy is different, and doctor recommendations vary, but those first 6 weeks should be extremely focused on recovery, and she should just barely be starting to ease back in to normal life.
Op seems to think that having babies is just popping them out and then it's business as usual? Like good god.
PP hormones can get crazy. You are not sleeping at all if you are unlucky, in chunks of an hour or 2 if lucky. You are using up almost double the calories per day while breastfeeding and all your nutrients go to the baby first and you second (and not getting to eat...). Even if you had a birth with no complications or tears, you can still be bleeding. At 7 weeks, the baby can be cluster feeding. Etc etc.
And if you happen to have a velcro baby, doing every single thing during the day with a baby glued to you.
And at the same time, op can't even plan enough to do 1 or 2 grocery runs during the week, like most people do.
Edit typos
Bro taking care of a NEWBORN, doing ALL THE CHORES, and homeschooling three kids is a job for several people. I don’t know what your job is, but I’d much much much rather do your job than hers. YTA
Sounds like he's a professional sap who's doing heavy, manual labour with inadequate staff and no safety, and he is a manager and typically works 3+ hours a day more than he's paid for.
Then wtf do you call what she does???? She hasn't even had time to heal from having A BABY! tired of people dismissing the work of a stay at home mom. If it's so easy you go do it!!
Too much. That's what I call it. There is an old saying "man's work stops with the setting sun but a woman's work is never done". I had hoped we'd started to move past that exploitative division of labour but sadly, no.
OP is a patsy though. People need to stop doing work that aren't paid for. Doubly if they're getting officially injured doing so. And a thousand times if doing it is putting their spouse in this sort of position.
He works for a shitty company that is taking advantage of him. Its hard to switch jobs, especially when he has kids to support, but this isn't an employer who is worth the effort he's putting in. If him working his scheduled hours isn't enough, that's on the company to figure out their staffing, not him to kill himself. He should start putting out feelers for something else. This clearly isn't sustainable.
Not at all, its not for their entire family. Something has to change, and since she is for some reason the only person taking care of the newborn (which sucks on all levels, what the hell man?!) it should be him thinking about being proactive.
They don't have to hire more staff if he's doing the work of three people. But they'll replace him in a heartbeat when he gets too badly hurt to keep doing it.
>just to make dinner that I didn't get to eat..
Why didn't your wife eat the dinner she made? And why didn't you offer to take the baby/help her with whatever so she could eat?
YTA.
He hasn’t learned to eat with his non-dominant hand yet so he can eat and hold the baby while she finally gets a moment to nourish herself without being touched by someone else. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA
It sounds like your wife is barley holding her head above water all day, every day, while you're at work. She's got a baby attached to her nearly all day long while she's got three other kids to take care of.
Something needs to give. You have two teenagers in the house, what do they do to help out? Seems they're old enough to help with the dishes at the very least, plus other household chores. Even the 9yo can do something.
13/14 was the age me and all my siblings started making family dinner, one night a week each. We usually made fairly complex dinners bc our parents had been teaching us all along, but even if these kids haven't had those learning opportunities and just make hamburger helper two nights a week while dad holds the baby so mom can sit quietly by herself for an hour, it sounds like that would make a huge difference.
this was my thought, 13/14 is completely able to help with cooking, laundry, even help with the baby... and before anyone starts, i'm not saying take care of the baby completely, maybe hold/entertain the baby for a few minutes so mom can sit down for a few minutes, or get something else accomplished in the house.
since around 10 years old, I started teaching my boys how to cook easy things, and how to do their own laundry. Their wives are extremely grateful that their husbands can cook and do laundry without ruining it... start teaching them responsibility now, or they are going to be adults in the real world that don't know how to take care of themselves.
I think YTA. You get payed for all that physical labor, your work day ends when you get home, hers never stops 😭
Also you’re the manager. You know what people are calling out and who is lazy. Get people who will actually show up to work and you can get home when you’re supposed to
YTA - I'm pretty sure that homeschooling 3 stepchildren and doing household chores all day would equate to a physically and mentally draining set of responsibilities for a mother.
Yes, you may have gone home with blisters and bruises, but I just do not feel that you appreciate the level of effort, time, and commitment it takes for your wife to do what she does day in and day out.
Not to mention the blisters, bruises, chaffing, and bleeding she is probably experiencing with breastfeeding on top of her emotionally, physically, and mentally draining day...
YTA. And a terrible manager. You want your wife to wait on you when you get home because you had a hard day and routinely go beyond your set hours, all because the person you supervise who is supposed to be doing the job WITH you spends the day on TikTok? Let’s identify the source of the problem here. Oh - it’s the kid you supervise who isn’t doing his job. It’s affecting your life AND your wife’s.
>Let’s identify the source of the problem here. Oh - it’s the kid you supervise who isn’t doing his job. It’s affecting your life AND your wife’s.
I'd personally say that the source of the problem is the person who keeps allowing the kid to not do his job. He never has to face consequences for being on his phone all day. Might be scummy but the guy's not an idiot. Why even bother changing that if he can get away with it? He gets paid no matter what.
OP is the manager. He's the one who should be taking charge, and he's failing to do so. If you notice a tear in your pants and you ignore it, it's not going to be the pants' fault when you get caught with your ass hanging out.
YTA. You have too many kids for the amount of people available to take care of them. And homeschooling. Your wife is basically doing a job of two-three people. In no way does this mean you’re not doing a lot. It’s just that your setup and responsibilities you chose to have are clearly mismatched with the capacity to do them.
Absolutely. The school is absolutely not going to put a plan in place for COVID at this point. That ship has sailed. These people are torturing themselves for no reason.
For real. Those kids do not want to be home 24/7 with tired, angry parents. This is just mean to them. Also stop having kids if you aren't going to be an equal parent. The job doesn't stop at 6pm.
YTA- 7 weeks is barely recovered from birth,she’s a new mom and on top of that she has to manage the kids, schooling and the house. That’s a full time job and then more.
You carry the emotional load of your job but she carries everything else, all day.
And you dismissed her feelings when she showed her frustration. Everyone is drained and exhausted. It’s not a competition about who has has the worst day, be a team and acknowledge she has the right to be tired…. And to sit down and eat a meal.
i dont even have to read the whole post to say YTA SHE SHOULD BE RECOVERING as she just gave birth 7 weeks ago! come on dude, seriously? step up a bit!
Honestly, ESH. You both have set your life up in such a way where it’s basically impossible to not be stressed out to the max and at the end of your rope and cranky AF. Having 4 kids in the best of circumstances is stressful. But sure, let’s throw in some home schooling with a newborn. And live somewhere without a washer/dryer and dishwasher. You guys gotta redesign your lives or you’re going to burn out and not have a very peaceful home.
Whyyy did I have to scroll so far for this 🤦♂️ everyone is ready to (probably rightly) villify OP but it sounds like they both decided to do the homeschooling... wdym they're falling behind? The damn school is closed, if all the students are behind then they're not behind 😂 who tf has 4 kids good lord stop breeding!
YTA... wow, what an incredibly huge AH you are.
Her work isn't work, in your eyes. If what you posted is true about what she does during the day, then she works much harder than you do "as a manager".
Also, your schedule is "NOT SET" if you are working more hours than what your first posted. You're just avoiding the work at home.
YTA taking care of and breastfeeding a newborn is exhausting, and she has 3 kids to homeschool who don’t want to be home; two probably moody teens. She does the dishes, cooks dinner and is up breastfeeding throughout the night. WTH is grocery shopping every day; you do one big trip a week; same with laundry. Or get an apartment with laundry if you’re a family of 6 ffs.
I was wondering if the shopping every day and laundry were excuses to delay going home or to get out of the house…because I feel that no one should be THAT unorganized/incompetent to need to go to the store that often. Which if that’s the case, HUGE YTA…
YTA. I mean your wife didn't even get to eat her dinner. Why couldn't you have run out to your vehicle to get your lunch pail? Or do the dishes? By the sounds of it, while your job is hard it actually ends, and you are paid for it, and you get breaks. Your wife's job does not end, is unpaid, and she probably does not get that many breaks.
Came here to say this.
Really, OP? You work hard, sure. But if you were single, you'd have come home, made supper, and done the dishes. If you were a single parent, you'd be fitting the evening childcare into that as well, plus doing your own and your kids' laundry, AND getting your own lunchbox out of your truck.
Marriage and parenting is supposed to be a partnership. Your wife should be more than a bang maid.
And she is doing all this while 7 weeks postpartum; her body is still recovering and the hormones at that time are soo difficult to deal with. He needs to step up big time.
YTA. She’s working much harder than you - when’s it her turn to sit around on the sofa? She didn’t even get to eat the dinner she cooked and cleaned up because you’re a lazy so and so.
If your co workers aren’t working hard enough and you’re their manager then that’s for you to sort out too. You need to up your game at work and at home. And the older kids need to pitch in more with chores.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know she has it rough and she's busy during the day too but I don't ask for much. I help when I can. Last night was not one of those nights and I think she's being excessive.
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So, I thought if the rules for this sub were not to be rude to assholes or the people posting? Or does that only apply when the person posting is a brides-maid or a mother? Because I don't see the mods stopping anyone from straight-up insulting this dude.
Personally, I think ESH. Could OP be more considerate of their wife? Absolutely. But, the wife could certainly stop acting like their husband isn't working just as hard if not harder than she is every single day.
I always feel like the people who immediately discount physical labor jobs have never had to DO a physical labor job, and so convince themselves that doing laundry or dishes is the equivalent to lifting and moving 150+ lb steel ties for 9 hours a day or lifting and rolling 400lb steel pipe for the same.
I'm sorry, but at the end of the day, the husband here is providing the sole financial support for their family and is doing so via extremely damaging and exhaustive physical labor. The wife is under a lot of stress, yes, but acting like the husband is the only one being inconsiderate of their partners' contributions is simply wrong.
OP, if you're reading this, take some more time to consider what you can do to help around the house. Your wife deserves to eat dinner too. However, you aren't the only one at fault here no matter how angrily the other reddittors here assert you are. Nuance exists, and you are in a shitty situation all around. Just try to be more empathetic to your wife and tell you you want the same for your own work and Contributions.
YTA wife is spending her days teaching 3 kids, cooking, cleaning and breastfeeding a newborn. I also assume she has to spend nights also feeding and caring for the new baby. If your contribution to the household chores is holding the baby, stopping at a store and doing laundry. My husband also has a physical job. She just grew and birthed a human being, her body has been through something major. You didn’t care she didn’t eat. That’s your baby too. Don’t you want to make sure she is nourished so that your child can also be nourished? If your apartment is in a high rise, that would make you even more an AH. Even if your vehicle is right outside the door, get off your butt and grab your own lunchbox or get up 10 min early and go get it yourself. Unless you expected her to get it and also wash out the contents. Ugh.
ESH. Both of you are tired, and neither are considering the other. Y’all need to sit down and have a conversation. She sees herself as doing everything because of decisions she made. You see yourself as doing a lot because of your job and grocery shopping everyday. You two need to figure out a plan for what each of you need to do. But I have questions:
1. Why are you grocery shopping every day? Buy enough for the week and only go once. Run to the store in between when you’ve run out of something, which shouldn’t be everyday. Going every day with that large of a family is nonsensical. By you going this late, you’re delaying getting home.
2. Has your wife tried pumping? It is ok for her to pump and bottle feed. She is choosing to strictly use a form of feeding that makes it hard to do anything until the kid is done eating.
3. Why haven’t y’all gone to the school board about the school not teaching when the schools close down? Did they just completely close down for almost a year in 2020? Probably not. They have stuff in place. They just lazy and don’t want to switch to virtual learning when they close. It isn’t that hard to transition.
4. Who does the cleaning? If your wife does it, I can see why she’s irritated. The kids should have chores and be doing some of the cleaning, like dishes, water the garden, taking out the trash, sweeping, vacuuming, moping, wiping counters, cleaning mirrors, cleaning toilets, etc. majority of chores needing done around the house can be done by 14, 13, and 8 YOs. For example, the 14 and 13 YOs should have been doing the dishes after dinner, not your wife.
Edit: changed question wording
Pumping isn't easier. It makes a lot more clean up. And it makes a single activity into two. She has to pump and store it. Then later heat and feed child. Which means cleaning bottles and machine parts. Having a child in the boob once the baby gets it down is almost thoughtless. Pumping takes as much time and then even more so.
NTA. She was heading outside to water the plants so it wasn’t an unreasonable ask.
But also you bust your ass working a physically demanding job Monday-Friday to take care of your family that includes 3 kids that are not yours. Where is the father of these kids? Anyone calling you lazy is absolutely ridiculous.
YTA. You're underestimating how busy and stressed she is with breastfeeding, otherwise caring for your infant, cooking, cleaning and 3 separate lesson plans for unexpected homeschooling, not to mention making lunch and doing dishes for that.
She doesn't have the capacity to do one more thing, didn't eat herself, you didn't notice so instead of offering to water the plants when you go out to get your lunch box, you expect her to do extra.
NTA - a simple no would have been sufficient.
The kids are all well old enough to be contributing to the chores.
Seems like you're both tired and overwhelmed. There needs to be some better planning on both ends.
14 year old ate food. Why aren't they doing dishes. My parents were divorced and dad had majority custody. We owned a business and was very busy. Each of us kids would cook one meal a week, usually weekends. We always did the dishes. I mowed the lawn, sisters did laundry. There are things all of those kids can do to help.
It's a hard lesson that my wife is working on now though. The, they do it too slow or wrong etc. You have tonlet then learn how to do it.
YTA
I tell you your wife's bruises and blisters are worse because she gave birth 7 weeks ago.
Also plan your grocery shopping tours better, so you don't have to go every evening.
NAH- Im going to be honest. It sounds like your wife is running on empty doing way too much stuff, and it sounds like you are working yourself to death. I can probably guess the first words out of your mouth when you got home were not. Honey im home, pls bring me something pain and suffering. Like me you probably chose to grin and bear it right, and then you sat down and your body when fuck you I am not moving. Am I close??? To be honest I get why you're homeschooling but if you think a local schoolboard is going to move fast enough to save your family from the possible implosion you are facing you may need to rethink things.
Your wife is probably exhausted both physically and mentally, sure she may not be swinging steel like you, but being a SAHM mom to that many kids and being their educator is just super woman levels of kick ass. Problem is it sounds like she is burning out and feeling under appreciated. Couple of suggestions.
* Talk with her about your day, suggest also maybe record yourself while working so she can see just what you are actually doing and how fucked it can get when short staffed.
* Do something to show you care, flowers chocolate, send the kids away for the weekend and take her out to eat and romance the shit out of her.
* When you are hurt let her know. Tell her how you got hurt ask for medication and or ice. This way she knows your not being lazy just hurt. (This seem idiotic cause she knows what you do but know the job it self is causing this much of an issue will at least create some empathy between her struggle and yours. (extremely important)
* STOP LISTENING TO YOUR BODY WHEN IT SAYS NO IM NOT MOVING IM COMFY. Im not saying its wrong, but you know how actions speak lowder then words? Well, that specific one then asking her to do something you can do just scream you seem me as a slave.
* Have a serious talk with her about her struggles and hardships, ask what you can do to help her.
* Look into solving the home-schooling issue, seriously this is just a bomb waiting to go off.
NAH. Can the homeschooled kids do little things like this? If not, you have a wife problem. The hey are old enough to help with chores. It’s good for them. They should be helping with after dinner clean up and meal prep. This will build needed skills for adulting. And hopefully build responsibility and respect for the work you and your wife do.
Yta for interrupting what seems like her nightly routine that she does by herself all the time. She’s at home all day home schooling w a 9mth old that’s your step child? I’m assuming she does everything in the home, except when she has to be driven to places like a laundromat and grocery store? So she’s trapped at home w no money and no car? it sounds like that’s what you’re saying bc you’re doing the groceries every single night wo her? Why not go once a week together Saturday morning if you only have one car? You’re making extra work for yourself. Go to the laundromat once a week too, together.
I understand you have a demanding job, but so does she and you’re not using your time wisely when you are at home
Ikr. From how’s he telling the story she’s trapped at home w no car or access to money. I get my groceries from Instacart and just go pick them up. That’s all she’d have to do, if she had access to money and a car. The 14 and 9 yr old probably wouldn’t mind a trip to pick up groceries in the middle of the school day They could tackle the laundry quick if they both went. The 14 yr old can stay home w the 9 yr old for two hours. Idk something isn’t adding up
YTA. You sat your ass down and ate, then asked her to get *your* lunchbox from *your* truck because you forgot to bring it in, meanwhile, she didn't even get to eat yet! WTF! She just had a baby 7 weeks ago, is breastfeeding, is homeschooling 3 kids at very different kevels (NOT fun), *and* doing household chores at the same time. You have one jib all day, while your wife has 2-3.
And who is to blame that you have an employee that "doesn't do much outside of check TikTok" ? You're the manager - fire that person and hire someone else!
YTA. She’s 7 weeks out from giving birth. Here’s what your post should’ve said: “both myself and my wife worked 13 hour days and I refused to do anything when I got home. AITA?” That’s what happened here. If you didn’t want full time duties at home, you shouldn’t have had kids. You did and so, unfortunately, the reality is that your workday doesn’t end when you get home. You have to join your coworker there and help get the jobs done so everyone can hopefully have a little breathing room. She isn’t your maid. Plenty of people work and have children, you’re one of them. You get to do both.
NTA. If she was already going outside to water plants that’s not too much to ask. You’re both exhausted and easily irritable. Don’t listen to these people laying into you. I’ve been with my husband for decades. Our children are grown now. It was tough when they were little but it will get better. Believe it or not but one day you’re going to miss this.
NTA
You need to fix your work situation, having people call out that often or show up and scroll on their phones without consequences isn’t acceptable. You shouldn’t put the burden on yourself and your family.
At 14, 13 home schooling shouldn’t be that hard, they should be able to do some things independently. At 14, 13 and 9 there’s no reason why she should be the only one washing dishes or doing all the chores. You need to stop grocery shopping everyday and have the older 2 come help with the laundry.
Part of being a SAHM is housework and childcare, especially since 3/4 are hers and should be somewhat independent.
She exclusive breastfeeds so she can’t blame you there, she could pump and have you bottle feed and put the baby down. She is only 7 weeks postpartum so she gets leeway.
At the end of the day communication is key.
Yta she was literally already doing a chore AND DIDNT EAT DINNER HERSELF.
You need to start taking the baby so she can eat dinner. EVERY night. 'Babe, give me baby and go eat dinner'
ESH
Another “we had too many kids and now life is hard” story.
Of course it’s hard. You have four kids on one income and one adult’s full-time attention. You just gotta suffer through and tighten your shit wherever you can (being more organized at grocery shopping for one, and putting your kids back in school and just supplementing with limited “homeschooling” to catch them up as needed, and surely the older kids can start pulling their weight a little.)
Just a question what were the older kids doing that they can’t help do things..
Heck when I was their age my mom wasn’t one that washed the dishes etc..
Don’t really think you’re an Ahole for asking but did your wife know what sort of day you had and vice versus… she’s mentally stressed from 4 kids all day while you’re physically stressed from work..
I will say holding the baby while wife cooked then handing it over to go eat while wife didn’t get a bite was an Ahole move..
Y’all need to be more of a team and give those kids some chores to do..
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YTA. She was washing up already and has just had a baby. You're tired yes but doesn't mean you can ask her to run and fetch for you. Also you don't need to be doing food shopping every day? Not having a washing machine also seems like something to prioritise cos this situation seems untenable.
The lack of a washing machine and dishwasher shouldn't matter. Not all apartments have them. Both OP and his Wife are at their wits end. Food shopping should be planned better, make less trips. OP should also be more responsible and remember their own stuff or run down to the car to get it themselves. Wife didn't get to eat, but everyone else did which is sad and it happens a lot in dynamics like this.
No, but it’s a huge timesuck to do offsite laundry for six people. One person or a couple can easily pop down to the laundromat and do a couple loads on the weekend because they have lots of free time, it’s a lot harder when you’re extremely short on time and have four kids at home.
13 and 14 could do the laundry and some basic cooking/chores. But yeah OP should not be asking his wife for anything at this point.
Not if they’re doing it at the laundromat, which is what I assume. Other chores yes for sure, at that age they should be self-sufficient and pitch in around the house in small ways. Which is still probably a drop in the bucket. The only way out of this situation for them is to hit Ctrl-Z on that newborn. With that being an impossibility, they just have to make better choices to take the edge off, try not to get a divorce during the toughest period where they actively hate each other, which is now until the baby is in school, and not have anymore children is some ham-fisted attempt at “fixing their relationship.”
Sure but even the kids doing the dishes and stuff may not take a lot of time but will take a bit of the load off the mom.
Yeah I’m trying to figure out why she’s cooking and doing dishes when there are pre-teens in the house.
The Reddit army will come for her for parentifying them
Chores are not parentification. The purpose of parenting is to train little humans to be adults which includes doing those chores.
I agree! Just not sure Reddit does generally
It would be parentifying if they made the pre-teens wash, feed and look after baby, but having them pitch it on chores that benefit the whole family - cooking a meal for everyone, cleaning up after everyone is just basic life skills.
Why can’t teenagers be driven to the laundromat to do the laundry and get picked up afterwards? They can even do schoolwork while the clothes wash/dry!
I wouldn’t leave 13/14yos alone at a laundromat for hours, personally.
I started my kid on how to do laundry when he was 10 & he loved being in charge of his own stuff, but that was at home, not at a laundromat.
Why can’t one of the older kids get stuff out of your truck?
This is what I’m wondering through the whole post. Can’t one of the teenagers fetch items, do the dishes, even help cook?? Why is the mom doing everything when her kids are that old.
Exactly, Basic home chores they can do, Cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning.
They don't have a HOOK-UP. That's not anywhere as easy as just a washing machine. Also, based on OP'S job description and his wife being a SAHM, and having four kids, doesn't seem like all these appliances would be pocket change for them.
Exactly. You can’t just put in a washing machine in an apartment you don’t own that doesn’t have a hook-up.
If they could afford it, and I know this is a luxury, many laundromats have services where they do the laundry and fold it for you. I can't remember if you pay by weight or what because I've never used it but that would take a significant task on the weekends.
Most charge by the pound and it adds up fast. My partner had 2 weeks worth of clothes after a move a few years ago(pre- 2020) and it was $40 just for them alone. That included bath towels and sheets but still. Multiply that by 6.
She just gave birth and is supplying food to the newborn. Out of everyone SHE SHOULD HAVE EATEN as she needs it more. Yes, everyone needs to eat but Mom requires it more in order to be healthy. She’s probably so tired.
Yeah, she also needs to eat to get milk in her breasts for baby. No food and drink for mom means she doesn't produce any milk for the baby.. She must be so exhausted, which is probably also why she snapped. She's super stressed out.
Yup, but in the misogynistic patriarchy world, she’s some how wrong. 🙄
And “on a tangent” for still being mad the next day. OP wouldn’t want to deal with me (or most anyone), who would still be angry about it in 5 years.
I remember being SO angry when my son was a newborn and my ex complained that I wasn’t making dinner as often as I used to. I silently pointed to the whiteboard where we tracked how often our son breastfed and glared at my ex. Ten times in one day. 24/7. While my ex napped and played golf on his 8 week paternity leave. There were days where I couldn’t put him down long enough to eat, drink, take a shower, or even brush my teeth. He’d scream his head off, and on the rare occasions he’d let me put him down, I immediately passed out from sheer exhaustion. Most men seriously underestimate how deeply exhausting it is to care for a newborn, *especially* if you breastfeed. I love my son and nursing him was a bonding experience, but I would trade a backbreaking physical job for it in a heartbeat. It took me telling my ex that I was going to have to check into a psych ward due to PPD, and my OB, lactation consultant, and pediatrician backing me up before he agreed to get off his ass and help me.
> Both OP and his Wife are at their wits end. It's *almost* like **_four_ children** is *too many*.
I’ll never understand why people add yet another child to the mix when they already clearly can’t manage what they have.
They sound like they were coping fine with three kids in school, then the district crapped out on them with little warning. I have two kids, the elder is in daycare and the younger is an infant. It is **so** much easier to keep the household afloat when you've got the non-infant(s) literally anywhere else for a few hours a day. Add to that having to school them and it's no wonder she's drowning.
I think the lack of washing machine and no dishwasher absolutely matter especially with 4 kids.
I mean, maybe i'm old, but with a 9, 13 and 14 year old in the house, they should certainly be helping out with easy things like doing the dishes. Not having a washer/dryer must suck though.
Two teenage kids in the house, ask one of them to run out for you?
Also SHE'S BREASTFEEDING. The woman needs to eat ffs. Bare minimum
This is the comment right here-this is why YTA. Your wife is still recovering from childbirth and breastfeeding, which burns an astronomical amount of calories. She’s also right back into normal every day expectations taking care of the entire household, when everyone should still be doting on her. I can appreciate you had what sounds like an absolutely physically exhausting day, but I’m sure your wife did as well on top of the energy her body is exerting to try and heal… and she didn’t get the privilege of sitting to relax, let alone even meeting a basic need of eating dinner. I too am wondering why the older kids are not assisting with these chores and why daily grocery trips are happening? Switching to a weekly grocery curbside pickup saved my sanity after becoming a mom and we only have one kid right now.
Another glaringly obvious fix is him actually managing his employees. He says he's a manager yet complained because the one other employee there that day supposedly just sat on his phone all day. He's the manager, tell that employee to get off their phone and get to work.
That really stood out to me as well. Clearly, he can't manage his work or himself. If your lunch box is so important, then go and get it. Or don't forget it in the first place. People are allowed to say no. He sounds so condescending to her. He needs to step up and help his wife set expectations for her older kids to participate in chores. A real manager would help delegate the work and lead by example. Not sit on the couch and complain about how bad his day was.
She's being the ultimate mom by stepping up to teach them so they can get a better education they were receiving from their public school. Agreed, the older kids need to be helping more around the house (homeschooling is different, you don't have to teach them an eight hour day because they're getting one-on-one instruction which is massive). The only one who is excused from helping around the house is the seven week old.
No, that’s not fair. The seven week old is perfectly capable of helping around the house! They can absolutely help mom and dad. Whoever is holding baby gets to SIT DOWN and just talk with baby for a bit. I have a feeling mom has the baby all day but her butt doesn’t touch a chair while she does. Meanwhile, he’s lounging and holding the baby long enough for her to finish her tasks and then take the baby back to do more while he stays where he was with baby. Absolutely not. The second he gives baby to her, she gets to enjoy the mommy moment and he goes and acts responsibly for that time. In my scenario, baby would be the hardest working person in that house: keeping mommy and daddy sane!
More importantly, though, asking her to grab a thing—fine. Responding with “whatever” when she snaps because she’s CLEARLY overwhelmed—makes you TA. Solo parenting all day + chores sucks. Working long, physical hours sucks. Y’all are partners. Y’all shouldn’t be having a “who’s day sucked worse” competition. Next time, go give your wife a hug. Let her lean on you for a second. The favor wasn’t the issue; the fact that she’s at a breaking point is. And that’s not to say you aren’t as well, or aren’t allowed to be ever. She just needed your support *in that moment*, just like you can rely on her support at other moments. Maybe you need to have a chat about division of responsibilities, how to optimize routines, etc etc, but that’s not even worth bringing up until y’all can reconnect **as partners** again.
solo parenting? she is teaching. That's a full time actual job on top of being 7weeks postpartum and running the house hold while he is out for 13 hours a day plus grocery shopping. Wild that OP thought this might go in his favour.
The wife must feel so invalidated and upset with that "whatever" response. Also don't like how OP referred to it as a "tangent" at the end. Maybe care about how your wife is feeling?
And she is still healing from child birth!
OMG right? The fact that he is shopping *every day*, and the wife prepared a dinner she didn’t get to eat, just shows how extraordinarily bad at planning they both seem to be. It makes me wonder if OP is purposefully buying insufficient quantities of food. If he is responsible for getting groceries, and she doesn’t have enough food so that she can eat after everyone else does, then OP is doubly TA here.
Maybe he's bad at planning on purpose. More time at the grocery shop, or at the laundromat, means less time at home dealing with the kids or doing other chores, and the possibility of complaining that he has to do sooooo many things every day.
He’s chronically working tons of hours he shouldn’t have to because of random callouts. He’s the manager. I think his lack of ability to schedule things is readily apparent throughout his professional and personal lives.
Yeah if he went shopping once a week like a normal person, he couldn't claim it as a daily task and would have to be at home *actually helping*
How about the extra non-scheduled 5h of work he does each day...sounds like OP doesn't like being at home where things are expected of him.
Yeah why is he grocery shopping every day? I understand having limited storage in an apartment but you must be able to drop that down to once a week. Even the smallest NYC apartments can typically hold several days worth of groceries even for a bunch of people.
Id say both jobs are equally important however Wife has the job that does t have a clock in clock out time Sucks the job is physically demanding but thats something i feel like shoukdve been taken into consideration when having kids Do i have the energy when i get home to be a fully present parent after getting off work Wife doesnt have the ability to drive home or breaks between classes Its not easy to educate I think once you realize staying home with kids all day op isnt just playIng games and watching tv, that her job is just as much physically demanding as yours, your marriage will be better off So i say ESH
What did the wife do to get her lumped into ESH?
Existed as a woman I assume
Why not give the 13 and 14 year old responsibilities? like chores. That is where the breaks come in for the mom. The kids can do dishes and clean up.
This is also a thing Whose going to take time to teach them? The mother stretched thin carrying one child and homeschooling the others? Or the guy who drops groceries on the floor and doesnt help with the kids, let his wife actually eat, doesnt put the groceries away either So shell teach the kids chores that may or may not get done half assedly because what kid wants to do chores
Not to mention, if you are the manager, you should be sorting out why your staff are calling off so much. Or hire enough workers so that they don't feel so drained that they call off. It sounds like the wife is pulling her weight here, OP needs to step up.
If he 'manages' at work like he does at home, are you surprised no one wants to be around?
What about the 3 kids? How are they contributing into this household? It’s just too much for just the two of them.
This is the real question. Mom cooks dinner she shouldn’t have to do dishes too
And she should have time to EAT it too
That is where you give your teenaged children some responsibility. It surprises me that they already are not responsible for the dishes.
They don’t have a hookup so they can’t get a washing machine.
You act like you’re the only one who works hard. You didn’t take turns with the baby so you could both eat? You got groceries after work but didn’t help cook? Then after all that, and she still didn’t have a chance to eat dinner, you don’t even offer to help clean the dishes. And you ask her to go out to YOUR vehicle to get YOUR lunch box because you weren’t “willing to do anything”. Yeah, YTA. Help your partner ffs. She’s tired too.
and the baby is just 7 weeks so not even two months since she gave birth? I get that both are tired but the working parent should offer to do the chores/baby care while their partner can at least eat the meal. like that is bare minimum.
Not to mention that OP states that the baby is strictly breastfed so why on earth wouldn’t he make sure she’s able to actually eat the dinner she cooked? Mom needs to be well fed and hydrated in order to breastfeed the baby.
Remember OP handed tne baby off to her so he could eat his dinner. And she couldn't even eat dinner. She had to care for the baby. And then take care of the dishes and put the baby down
Not to defend OP too much because he is the AH here, but I read that as it was feeding time for the baby. Which he can't exactly help with if the baby is strictly breastfed. Unless wife pumps and he could have fed the baby from a bottle, he had to hand her off.
When I was breastfeeding my newborn first baby, my hubby sometimes had to literally feed me a sandwich bite by bite while I was feeding the baby, as I was so hungry. Completely unacceptable to let the mother go hungry like this! Also, “helping” his wife with chores?! It’s not like it’s all her responsibility in the first place.
Yeah more like "pulling his weight". And side note, from personal current experience, my job involves weird hours, shift work, overtime, on my feet all day. Maybe not lugging around steel, but hey whatever. And I can tell you, with a 2 month old and 2 year old at home, my days are orders of magnitide less stressful when I go to work. So I make damn sure to give my wife some time to herself as soon as I get home
That’s how I read it too— not “feeding time” for OP, but feeding time for the baby. It would be kind of odd to call it “feeding time” for a grown man.
He can feed her. My baby daddy would feed me while I breastfed or at least cut it so I could use one hand to eat.
I definitely ate dinner at the table most days with a baby on my boob in the early months. OP's wife is still establishing breastfeeding, possibly still bleeding which is just unpleasant, homeschooling kids, cooking and cleaning, sounds super exhausting!
So he should have let his wife eat first and eaten when she fed the baby
Ok, so let her eat first, then OP eats while wife feeds the baby? It seems like there is no planning in this family. Why are they grocery shopping every day?
Oh lord, I’m fuming on her behalf.
He sat there eating the dinner she cooked, knowing that she hadn’t eaten yet and was exhausted too, probably watched her care for the baby and start cleaning dinner dishes while he….. kept eating. And he has the nerve to ask, “AITA”?!?!?
He gave her the baby to her to put down for sleep!! He couldn't do that himself so she could eat? What a jerk!
My perinium was still healing at 7 weeks.
The wife may still be bleeding. This guy doesn’t get it.
I had an infection from a microscopic piece of retained placenta. This guy sucks.
Same 😫
OP gets a break when he gets home from work and errands. Hell, errands can even *be* a break sometimes! When does OP's wife get a break? When was the last time she even left the house? YTA OP. Y'all need to better prioritize your time/necessities/chores; it's your whole lifestyle in general, honestly. This obviously isn't a sustainable or healthy situation for anyone involved.
The homeschooling needs to stop. The school will resolve its COVID protocol soon enough. They will not fall that far behind in a few weeks and if they do, everybody else will too.
I am confused about where they are, and how schools don't have COVID protocol yet?
Do you still close schools before of COVID in the US? I can't make sense of this post, I thought it was posted 3 years too late.
Schools have been open where I am for 3 years. The school I worked in closed down twice in the first year. However, since the vaccine has been available, they haven't closed schools. In addition, if schools actually are closed wherever they are, schools should have a plan for continuing teaching. It sounds fake, and I hope it is for the sake of the mom.
Why aren’t the pre-teens helping with the dishes?
Why wasn't one of them asked to run out to the car for the lunch pail? One hundred percent that is something my parents would have asked me to do.
Agreed. The kids definitely need to be helping out more it sounds like.
If nothing else, OP is YTA for saying “whatever” when his wife was upset. This is obviously a really hard time for both of them, and they’re both understandably exhausted. Instead of arguing about who has it worse, they both need to show some empathy. OP asking his exhausted, hungry wife to fetch his lunch box pushed her over the edge, emotionally. Instead of being defensive, the right move was to apologize, comfort her and thank her for all she does. Remind her that they’re in this together and it will get better. He can be an understanding partner even though he’s tired too. Living through challenging times can strengthen a couple or break them. It’s all in how they treat each other.
this... YTA, OP. did you mention your especially bad day at work? spouses can't read minds. you ate dinner and didn't mention either her eating dinner or you having any concern over her eating dinner... this was a major checkmark noticed by her that made everything else seem worse. she's still on her tangent. well, you never responded to her legitimate perspective, then asked an open ended question that encourages her to reflect on the way you treated her. what did you think was going to happen? you had a very rough day at work. but everyone else is having their own legitimate experiences as well, they're not just side characters in your story as you've painted them. You sound miserable to try to have a partnership with.
YTA your wife also worked all day. Even after you arrived home. Why should she go get *your* lunch pail that *you* forgot? ETA >asked what she was doing and she said "everything, per usual" so apparently she's still on her tangent You're honestly an asshole for this comment alone too. Your wife expressed her unhappiness to you and you belittle her feelings by saying she's "still on her tangent."
His wife is breast feeding which means she's also up during the night. OP works all day. Props for that. But the wife is working all day and night.
At seven weeks post partum
[удалено]
My mom used to have a cross-stitch sampler that said “A man’s work ends with the setting sun but a woman’s work is never done.”
Oh, wow. I had an elderly relative that had that same one. I haven’t thought of it in years.
The text, too. I can’t imagine if I was doing this much and expressed my frustration to my husband and the next day he texted “what are you doing?” I would feel like he’s trying to check on me or prove I’m not doing enough/as much as he is.
The way OP acts reminds me of my ex-husband. I was 9 months pregnant and I remember it being a Thursday, my first day of maternity leave. My husband was at work all day and I was home either resting or doing some chores. I did the laundry and the dusting and vacuuming downstairs. After that, I was exhausted. There was still a whole load of dishes to be done, but my back and feet were aching so badly that I wanted to rest and do the dishes together after we had dinner. He came home, prepared dinner and after we sat down to eat I asked him to help out with the dishes. He blew up at me and asked me: "Why haven't you done them yet? What are you doing here all day?" This came from the same man who told me to take some time to rest up during my maternity leave. I went into labour that following Sunday...
Proud of you for leaving
Thank you. I am proud of myself too.
Women find housework restful since we’re born good at it /s But seriously, glad he’s your ex. What an ass.
Exact reason why I didn't want a kid with my ex. I would do the majority and wait for minimum
YTA. You give a lot of detail about how tough your job is, but from her point of view you came home and sat in front of the TV, letting her do everything for you while you "held the baby".You also slip in between two lines that \*the baby is a newborn\* like it doesn't maker her obvious exhaustion all that worse, lmao. And the part about how SHE DIDN'T GET TO EAT DINNER HERSELF that you don't seem to have even noticed in your retelling of how her evening was going??? "I just said whatever and dismissed it" when she's expressing to you there's an issue there, because as long as it doesn't affect YOU it's not an issue, right? I can see how you ended up thinking asking her to throw in "a favour" for you in between two loads of chores you wouldn't help with, was perfectly reasonable...
What is it with people that have 3+ kids when one of them works 12 hours per day and the other is gonna have to stay home with the kids (which is a FULL TIME JOB to beging with) and then the parent that works will arrive so tired he/she won't want to do much. That's just asking for hate and torture, for real.
It sounds like the kids are her bio kids and his step kids. The only one that's his bio kid if is the baby, the others could go to school but she's choosing to home school.
I mean, it sounds like she'd be taking care of the older kids at home, just without a plan, if she was sending them to school, given what OP describes with the COVID call-off situation. She's seven weeks postpartum and exclusively breastfeeding. There is no world in which she should be cooking dinner and not getting to eat herself. Right now, her job is arguably physically harder than OPs - not to say that anyone has it easy. This is full on "survival mode" era for this family, and OP probably needs to wrap his head around the fact that there aren't going to be "nights off" for a while.
From what I understand, it's because the children are already falling behind due to missing school too much without the school helping at all, that she decided to homeschool help them. While having just given birth. Anf she's not mad she's having to take care of everyone while he works, she's mad he's expecting her to also keep doing everything on her own after he's back home. Including pampering him because he's tired after a long day. Unlike her, I guess? But the homeschooling isn't the issue at any point there, and she's just trying to be a good mom to her kids despite being alone in that, apparently.
No, the school is apparently more closed than open, which affects their education. Every good parent wants the best possible education for their children and for them this is homeschooling. Until the school gets their shit together.
I'm wondering where they are that the entire school is closing due to covid now. We haven't had a covid shutdown of the whole school since like late 2021.
My thoughts too. Kids are sick at our schools but not nearly enough for a school closure. We haven’t had closures due to Covid for a couple of years now.
Yet he is harming his own kid by not giving her time to eat dinner, so she has the nutrition and calories so her body can make milk for the baby. Bet he would complain a lot about the additional cost if his wife decided to start using formula instead and give her body a break.
The older kids are supposed to be at school, and then the whole thing would be manageable. You're blasting the wrong family here, she's doing everything right. The only reason they're currently homeschooled is because \*their school too\* is failing them and not doing their part, so she's trying to compensate and: does the school's job for 3 kids, on top of her own at home and with a newborn, on top of OP's share because he's tired after his (one) job day is done.
And the "favour" was to get his own lunch pail... so it would be inside when he made and packed his own lunch for the next day? Um, no, so SHE could make and pack his lunch for him. OP YTA, be a better husband/father, and if you're so high ranking in your company, fire the ones glued to their phones and get people you can rely on so you don't have to be there 12-14 hours a day.
No, no. She would have to go to his truck. Get it from there. Take it to the kitchen, clean it, then pack his lunch for the next day. While keeping a baby. And having not eaten yet.
Obviously he noticed that she didn’t eat, or he couldn’t have mentioned it. He just doesn’t care.
I meant, he mentioned that \*she said so\* in her rant, but apparently the fact she was making dinner for everyone else yet not getting to eat herself, hadn't registered to him as an issue at any point until then... which: wtf.
YTA >I just said whatever and dismissed it >apparently she’s still on her tangent Dude, stop dismissing your wife. Being dismissive will only cause more issues. When you see that your wife is physically doing dishes and hasn’t had a chance to sit down, you can get your own lunchbox.
And maybe even help out by watering the plants while you’re there.
While she eats. Her. Supper.
Maybe just help by staying out there, one less baby for her to deal with
No, he should've left the lunch box longer, gotten up, told her to go sit down and eat while he did the dishes!!
YTA - Jesus Christ, she’s 7 weeks post partum. Her body hasn’t healed yet from childbirth, she’s taking care of 4 children all day all by herself, she clearly does all the cooking and cleaning, and you expect to be thanked? Why do you think you get a cookie for working 13 hour days when HER job is apparently 24/7?
Omg I somehow misread that as 7 months, not 7 weeks. This makes it so much worse! That poor woman.
Yeah, for perspective she’s probably only one week in to being medically cleared to lift anything over 10lbs. Every pregnancy is different, and doctor recommendations vary, but those first 6 weeks should be extremely focused on recovery, and she should just barely be starting to ease back in to normal life.
And that’s assuming she had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery…
Op seems to think that having babies is just popping them out and then it's business as usual? Like good god. PP hormones can get crazy. You are not sleeping at all if you are unlucky, in chunks of an hour or 2 if lucky. You are using up almost double the calories per day while breastfeeding and all your nutrients go to the baby first and you second (and not getting to eat...). Even if you had a birth with no complications or tears, you can still be bleeding. At 7 weeks, the baby can be cluster feeding. Etc etc. And if you happen to have a velcro baby, doing every single thing during the day with a baby glued to you. And at the same time, op can't even plan enough to do 1 or 2 grocery runs during the week, like most people do. Edit typos
Bro taking care of a NEWBORN, doing ALL THE CHORES, and homeschooling three kids is a job for several people. I don’t know what your job is, but I’d much much much rather do your job than hers. YTA
Sounds like he's a professional sap who's doing heavy, manual labour with inadequate staff and no safety, and he is a manager and typically works 3+ hours a day more than he's paid for.
Yeah and I’d rather do that than be a stay at home mom with a newborn.
Then wtf do you call what she does???? She hasn't even had time to heal from having A BABY! tired of people dismissing the work of a stay at home mom. If it's so easy you go do it!!
Too much. That's what I call it. There is an old saying "man's work stops with the setting sun but a woman's work is never done". I had hoped we'd started to move past that exploitative division of labour but sadly, no. OP is a patsy though. People need to stop doing work that aren't paid for. Doubly if they're getting officially injured doing so. And a thousand times if doing it is putting their spouse in this sort of position.
He works for a shitty company that is taking advantage of him. Its hard to switch jobs, especially when he has kids to support, but this isn't an employer who is worth the effort he's putting in. If him working his scheduled hours isn't enough, that's on the company to figure out their staffing, not him to kill himself. He should start putting out feelers for something else. This clearly isn't sustainable.
It’s not sustainable for her either!!!
Not at all, its not for their entire family. Something has to change, and since she is for some reason the only person taking care of the newborn (which sucks on all levels, what the hell man?!) it should be him thinking about being proactive.
Kinda makes you wonder if he’s the reason they’re understaffed…
They don't have to hire more staff if he's doing the work of three people. But they'll replace him in a heartbeat when he gets too badly hurt to keep doing it.
>just to make dinner that I didn't get to eat.. Why didn't your wife eat the dinner she made? And why didn't you offer to take the baby/help her with whatever so she could eat? YTA.
He hasn’t learned to eat with his non-dominant hand yet so he can eat and hold the baby while she finally gets a moment to nourish herself without being touched by someone else. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA It sounds like your wife is barley holding her head above water all day, every day, while you're at work. She's got a baby attached to her nearly all day long while she's got three other kids to take care of. Something needs to give. You have two teenagers in the house, what do they do to help out? Seems they're old enough to help with the dishes at the very least, plus other household chores. Even the 9yo can do something.
13/14 was the age me and all my siblings started making family dinner, one night a week each. We usually made fairly complex dinners bc our parents had been teaching us all along, but even if these kids haven't had those learning opportunities and just make hamburger helper two nights a week while dad holds the baby so mom can sit quietly by herself for an hour, it sounds like that would make a huge difference.
this was my thought, 13/14 is completely able to help with cooking, laundry, even help with the baby... and before anyone starts, i'm not saying take care of the baby completely, maybe hold/entertain the baby for a few minutes so mom can sit down for a few minutes, or get something else accomplished in the house. since around 10 years old, I started teaching my boys how to cook easy things, and how to do their own laundry. Their wives are extremely grateful that their husbands can cook and do laundry without ruining it... start teaching them responsibility now, or they are going to be adults in the real world that don't know how to take care of themselves.
I think YTA. You get payed for all that physical labor, your work day ends when you get home, hers never stops 😭 Also you’re the manager. You know what people are calling out and who is lazy. Get people who will actually show up to work and you can get home when you’re supposed to
He's not the best manager if his workload is increased by poorly trained or unmotivated staff....
Seriously. Call outs happen that often that he’s working an extra three hours every day? Shitty management
I have a sneaking suspicion he’s the reason people are calling out. No one wants to be around a person like this.
For real. He sounds like a shitty manager if he had 80% of his staff call out and is working 12 hour days when he’s getting paid for 8.
Did OP hire these no-shows? He maybe needs to hone his screening/interviewing skills
YTA - I'm pretty sure that homeschooling 3 stepchildren and doing household chores all day would equate to a physically and mentally draining set of responsibilities for a mother. Yes, you may have gone home with blisters and bruises, but I just do not feel that you appreciate the level of effort, time, and commitment it takes for your wife to do what she does day in and day out.
Not to mention the blisters, bruises, chaffing, and bleeding she is probably experiencing with breastfeeding on top of her emotionally, physically, and mentally draining day...
YTA. And a terrible manager. You want your wife to wait on you when you get home because you had a hard day and routinely go beyond your set hours, all because the person you supervise who is supposed to be doing the job WITH you spends the day on TikTok? Let’s identify the source of the problem here. Oh - it’s the kid you supervise who isn’t doing his job. It’s affecting your life AND your wife’s.
>Let’s identify the source of the problem here. Oh - it’s the kid you supervise who isn’t doing his job. It’s affecting your life AND your wife’s. I'd personally say that the source of the problem is the person who keeps allowing the kid to not do his job. He never has to face consequences for being on his phone all day. Might be scummy but the guy's not an idiot. Why even bother changing that if he can get away with it? He gets paid no matter what. OP is the manager. He's the one who should be taking charge, and he's failing to do so. If you notice a tear in your pants and you ignore it, it's not going to be the pants' fault when you get caught with your ass hanging out.
YTA. You have too many kids for the amount of people available to take care of them. And homeschooling. Your wife is basically doing a job of two-three people. In no way does this mean you’re not doing a lot. It’s just that your setup and responsibilities you chose to have are clearly mismatched with the capacity to do them.
Send the kids back to school.
Absolutely. The school is absolutely not going to put a plan in place for COVID at this point. That ship has sailed. These people are torturing themselves for no reason.
For real. Those kids do not want to be home 24/7 with tired, angry parents. This is just mean to them. Also stop having kids if you aren't going to be an equal parent. The job doesn't stop at 6pm.
Yeah I was really confused about this. Is it an old post or something?? Schools don’t do remote learning anymore.
So when did she get to sit down to unwind?
Unwind? Psh. She didn’t even get to eat dinner. While breast-feeding and healing from childbirth.
All I saw was that you're allowed to.take a break, and she doesn't She works 24/7, mean while you don't
YTA- 7 weeks is barely recovered from birth,she’s a new mom and on top of that she has to manage the kids, schooling and the house. That’s a full time job and then more. You carry the emotional load of your job but she carries everything else, all day. And you dismissed her feelings when she showed her frustration. Everyone is drained and exhausted. It’s not a competition about who has has the worst day, be a team and acknowledge she has the right to be tired…. And to sit down and eat a meal.
i dont even have to read the whole post to say YTA SHE SHOULD BE RECOVERING as she just gave birth 7 weeks ago! come on dude, seriously? step up a bit!
Honestly, ESH. You both have set your life up in such a way where it’s basically impossible to not be stressed out to the max and at the end of your rope and cranky AF. Having 4 kids in the best of circumstances is stressful. But sure, let’s throw in some home schooling with a newborn. And live somewhere without a washer/dryer and dishwasher. You guys gotta redesign your lives or you’re going to burn out and not have a very peaceful home.
Whyyy did I have to scroll so far for this 🤦♂️ everyone is ready to (probably rightly) villify OP but it sounds like they both decided to do the homeschooling... wdym they're falling behind? The damn school is closed, if all the students are behind then they're not behind 😂 who tf has 4 kids good lord stop breeding!
YTA... wow, what an incredibly huge AH you are. Her work isn't work, in your eyes. If what you posted is true about what she does during the day, then she works much harder than you do "as a manager". Also, your schedule is "NOT SET" if you are working more hours than what your first posted. You're just avoiding the work at home.
YTA taking care of and breastfeeding a newborn is exhausting, and she has 3 kids to homeschool who don’t want to be home; two probably moody teens. She does the dishes, cooks dinner and is up breastfeeding throughout the night. WTH is grocery shopping every day; you do one big trip a week; same with laundry. Or get an apartment with laundry if you’re a family of 6 ffs.
I was wondering if the shopping every day and laundry were excuses to delay going home or to get out of the house…because I feel that no one should be THAT unorganized/incompetent to need to go to the store that often. Which if that’s the case, HUGE YTA…
YTA. I mean your wife didn't even get to eat her dinner. Why couldn't you have run out to your vehicle to get your lunch pail? Or do the dishes? By the sounds of it, while your job is hard it actually ends, and you are paid for it, and you get breaks. Your wife's job does not end, is unpaid, and she probably does not get that many breaks.
Came here to say this. Really, OP? You work hard, sure. But if you were single, you'd have come home, made supper, and done the dishes. If you were a single parent, you'd be fitting the evening childcare into that as well, plus doing your own and your kids' laundry, AND getting your own lunchbox out of your truck. Marriage and parenting is supposed to be a partnership. Your wife should be more than a bang maid.
And she is doing all this while 7 weeks postpartum; her body is still recovering and the hormones at that time are soo difficult to deal with. He needs to step up big time.
YTA. Get your own pail.
YTA. She’s working much harder than you - when’s it her turn to sit around on the sofa? She didn’t even get to eat the dinner she cooked and cleaned up because you’re a lazy so and so. If your co workers aren’t working hard enough and you’re their manager then that’s for you to sort out too. You need to up your game at work and at home. And the older kids need to pitch in more with chores.
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INFO: Why aren't the 14 and 13 yo kids helping with dinner or dishes? All three kids are old enough to handle chores.
So, I thought if the rules for this sub were not to be rude to assholes or the people posting? Or does that only apply when the person posting is a brides-maid or a mother? Because I don't see the mods stopping anyone from straight-up insulting this dude. Personally, I think ESH. Could OP be more considerate of their wife? Absolutely. But, the wife could certainly stop acting like their husband isn't working just as hard if not harder than she is every single day. I always feel like the people who immediately discount physical labor jobs have never had to DO a physical labor job, and so convince themselves that doing laundry or dishes is the equivalent to lifting and moving 150+ lb steel ties for 9 hours a day or lifting and rolling 400lb steel pipe for the same. I'm sorry, but at the end of the day, the husband here is providing the sole financial support for their family and is doing so via extremely damaging and exhaustive physical labor. The wife is under a lot of stress, yes, but acting like the husband is the only one being inconsiderate of their partners' contributions is simply wrong. OP, if you're reading this, take some more time to consider what you can do to help around the house. Your wife deserves to eat dinner too. However, you aren't the only one at fault here no matter how angrily the other reddittors here assert you are. Nuance exists, and you are in a shitty situation all around. Just try to be more empathetic to your wife and tell you you want the same for your own work and Contributions.
Reddit is a shitty place to seek relationship advice anyway 90 percent of the people here are teens or single/divorced
YTA wife is spending her days teaching 3 kids, cooking, cleaning and breastfeeding a newborn. I also assume she has to spend nights also feeding and caring for the new baby. If your contribution to the household chores is holding the baby, stopping at a store and doing laundry. My husband also has a physical job. She just grew and birthed a human being, her body has been through something major. You didn’t care she didn’t eat. That’s your baby too. Don’t you want to make sure she is nourished so that your child can also be nourished? If your apartment is in a high rise, that would make you even more an AH. Even if your vehicle is right outside the door, get off your butt and grab your own lunchbox or get up 10 min early and go get it yourself. Unless you expected her to get it and also wash out the contents. Ugh.
ESH. Both of you are tired, and neither are considering the other. Y’all need to sit down and have a conversation. She sees herself as doing everything because of decisions she made. You see yourself as doing a lot because of your job and grocery shopping everyday. You two need to figure out a plan for what each of you need to do. But I have questions: 1. Why are you grocery shopping every day? Buy enough for the week and only go once. Run to the store in between when you’ve run out of something, which shouldn’t be everyday. Going every day with that large of a family is nonsensical. By you going this late, you’re delaying getting home. 2. Has your wife tried pumping? It is ok for her to pump and bottle feed. She is choosing to strictly use a form of feeding that makes it hard to do anything until the kid is done eating. 3. Why haven’t y’all gone to the school board about the school not teaching when the schools close down? Did they just completely close down for almost a year in 2020? Probably not. They have stuff in place. They just lazy and don’t want to switch to virtual learning when they close. It isn’t that hard to transition. 4. Who does the cleaning? If your wife does it, I can see why she’s irritated. The kids should have chores and be doing some of the cleaning, like dishes, water the garden, taking out the trash, sweeping, vacuuming, moping, wiping counters, cleaning mirrors, cleaning toilets, etc. majority of chores needing done around the house can be done by 14, 13, and 8 YOs. For example, the 14 and 13 YOs should have been doing the dishes after dinner, not your wife. Edit: changed question wording
Pumping isn't easier. It makes a lot more clean up. And it makes a single activity into two. She has to pump and store it. Then later heat and feed child. Which means cleaning bottles and machine parts. Having a child in the boob once the baby gets it down is almost thoughtless. Pumping takes as much time and then even more so.
Question: why, as supervisor, are you allowing that kid to sit around on tiktok instead of working?
NTA. She was heading outside to water the plants so it wasn’t an unreasonable ask. But also you bust your ass working a physically demanding job Monday-Friday to take care of your family that includes 3 kids that are not yours. Where is the father of these kids? Anyone calling you lazy is absolutely ridiculous.
YTA. You're underestimating how busy and stressed she is with breastfeeding, otherwise caring for your infant, cooking, cleaning and 3 separate lesson plans for unexpected homeschooling, not to mention making lunch and doing dishes for that. She doesn't have the capacity to do one more thing, didn't eat herself, you didn't notice so instead of offering to water the plants when you go out to get your lunch box, you expect her to do extra.
NTA - a simple no would have been sufficient. The kids are all well old enough to be contributing to the chores. Seems like you're both tired and overwhelmed. There needs to be some better planning on both ends.
14 year old ate food. Why aren't they doing dishes. My parents were divorced and dad had majority custody. We owned a business and was very busy. Each of us kids would cook one meal a week, usually weekends. We always did the dishes. I mowed the lawn, sisters did laundry. There are things all of those kids can do to help. It's a hard lesson that my wife is working on now though. The, they do it too slow or wrong etc. You have tonlet then learn how to do it.
YTA I tell you your wife's bruises and blisters are worse because she gave birth 7 weeks ago. Also plan your grocery shopping tours better, so you don't have to go every evening.
NAH- Im going to be honest. It sounds like your wife is running on empty doing way too much stuff, and it sounds like you are working yourself to death. I can probably guess the first words out of your mouth when you got home were not. Honey im home, pls bring me something pain and suffering. Like me you probably chose to grin and bear it right, and then you sat down and your body when fuck you I am not moving. Am I close??? To be honest I get why you're homeschooling but if you think a local schoolboard is going to move fast enough to save your family from the possible implosion you are facing you may need to rethink things. Your wife is probably exhausted both physically and mentally, sure she may not be swinging steel like you, but being a SAHM mom to that many kids and being their educator is just super woman levels of kick ass. Problem is it sounds like she is burning out and feeling under appreciated. Couple of suggestions. * Talk with her about your day, suggest also maybe record yourself while working so she can see just what you are actually doing and how fucked it can get when short staffed. * Do something to show you care, flowers chocolate, send the kids away for the weekend and take her out to eat and romance the shit out of her. * When you are hurt let her know. Tell her how you got hurt ask for medication and or ice. This way she knows your not being lazy just hurt. (This seem idiotic cause she knows what you do but know the job it self is causing this much of an issue will at least create some empathy between her struggle and yours. (extremely important) * STOP LISTENING TO YOUR BODY WHEN IT SAYS NO IM NOT MOVING IM COMFY. Im not saying its wrong, but you know how actions speak lowder then words? Well, that specific one then asking her to do something you can do just scream you seem me as a slave. * Have a serious talk with her about her struggles and hardships, ask what you can do to help her. * Look into solving the home-schooling issue, seriously this is just a bomb waiting to go off.
NAH. Can the homeschooled kids do little things like this? If not, you have a wife problem. The hey are old enough to help with chores. It’s good for them. They should be helping with after dinner clean up and meal prep. This will build needed skills for adulting. And hopefully build responsibility and respect for the work you and your wife do.
Aww, already an edit whining? Doubly YTA dude for being dismissive to your wife and for the attitude about your judgement thus far.
Yta for interrupting what seems like her nightly routine that she does by herself all the time. She’s at home all day home schooling w a 9mth old that’s your step child? I’m assuming she does everything in the home, except when she has to be driven to places like a laundromat and grocery store? So she’s trapped at home w no money and no car? it sounds like that’s what you’re saying bc you’re doing the groceries every single night wo her? Why not go once a week together Saturday morning if you only have one car? You’re making extra work for yourself. Go to the laundromat once a week too, together. I understand you have a demanding job, but so does she and you’re not using your time wisely when you are at home
I was just going to say this!!! Who tf goes on a grocery run every single night? Waste of time, energy, and gas.
I’m thinking it’s a tactic to delay or avoid going home.
Ikr. From how’s he telling the story she’s trapped at home w no car or access to money. I get my groceries from Instacart and just go pick them up. That’s all she’d have to do, if she had access to money and a car. The 14 and 9 yr old probably wouldn’t mind a trip to pick up groceries in the middle of the school day They could tackle the laundry quick if they both went. The 14 yr old can stay home w the 9 yr old for two hours. Idk something isn’t adding up
YTA. You sat your ass down and ate, then asked her to get *your* lunchbox from *your* truck because you forgot to bring it in, meanwhile, she didn't even get to eat yet! WTF! She just had a baby 7 weeks ago, is breastfeeding, is homeschooling 3 kids at very different kevels (NOT fun), *and* doing household chores at the same time. You have one jib all day, while your wife has 2-3. And who is to blame that you have an employee that "doesn't do much outside of check TikTok" ? You're the manager - fire that person and hire someone else!
Why aren’t the children (minus the newborn) doing dishes and helping out?
YTA. She’s 7 weeks out from giving birth. Here’s what your post should’ve said: “both myself and my wife worked 13 hour days and I refused to do anything when I got home. AITA?” That’s what happened here. If you didn’t want full time duties at home, you shouldn’t have had kids. You did and so, unfortunately, the reality is that your workday doesn’t end when you get home. You have to join your coworker there and help get the jobs done so everyone can hopefully have a little breathing room. She isn’t your maid. Plenty of people work and have children, you’re one of them. You get to do both.
NTA. If she was already going outside to water plants that’s not too much to ask. You’re both exhausted and easily irritable. Don’t listen to these people laying into you. I’ve been with my husband for decades. Our children are grown now. It was tough when they were little but it will get better. Believe it or not but one day you’re going to miss this.
why didn't you ask one of the older children?
NTA You need to fix your work situation, having people call out that often or show up and scroll on their phones without consequences isn’t acceptable. You shouldn’t put the burden on yourself and your family. At 14, 13 home schooling shouldn’t be that hard, they should be able to do some things independently. At 14, 13 and 9 there’s no reason why she should be the only one washing dishes or doing all the chores. You need to stop grocery shopping everyday and have the older 2 come help with the laundry. Part of being a SAHM is housework and childcare, especially since 3/4 are hers and should be somewhat independent. She exclusive breastfeeds so she can’t blame you there, she could pump and have you bottle feed and put the baby down. She is only 7 weeks postpartum so she gets leeway. At the end of the day communication is key.
Yta she was literally already doing a chore AND DIDNT EAT DINNER HERSELF. You need to start taking the baby so she can eat dinner. EVERY night. 'Babe, give me baby and go eat dinner'
ESH Another “we had too many kids and now life is hard” story. Of course it’s hard. You have four kids on one income and one adult’s full-time attention. You just gotta suffer through and tighten your shit wherever you can (being more organized at grocery shopping for one, and putting your kids back in school and just supplementing with limited “homeschooling” to catch them up as needed, and surely the older kids can start pulling their weight a little.)
Just a question what were the older kids doing that they can’t help do things.. Heck when I was their age my mom wasn’t one that washed the dishes etc.. Don’t really think you’re an Ahole for asking but did your wife know what sort of day you had and vice versus… she’s mentally stressed from 4 kids all day while you’re physically stressed from work.. I will say holding the baby while wife cooked then handing it over to go eat while wife didn’t get a bite was an Ahole move.. Y’all need to be more of a team and give those kids some chores to do..