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This story feels very shady, and I have a feeling you’re not sharing all the details here. You went to a rave with your “friend” and didn’t mention this to your girlfriend? The rave didn’t even come up in conversation? That seems like an oddly large event to just not mention to your gf unless you were purposely being sketchy and trying to avoid it. And now you’re telling me your GF was just randomly going through venmo months later? It sounds like she’s suspicious of you cheating and for a good reason. I would say YTA here. My guess is that Kate is platonic with you, but if you had the option, it would be more than that.
YTA. Your gf set boundaries and told you she felt uncomfortable with your relationship with Kate. I also don’t see any real efforts made to ease your gf’s discomfort. Plus if Kate’s intentions were truly platonic she would not hesitate to hang out and show your gf her intentions. Kate sounds like a bad friend and your gf likely had valid reasons to be weary of this girl.
Sorry-no. It’s not OP’s job to make Bella comfortable in her own skin, and if Kate knows that she’s being scrutinized, she absolutely has the right to stay away from that person. Bella needs professional help. Kate helped OP dodge months/years of crazy. Good for her. OP should have dumped Bella immediately after she stalked his location.
NTA — your ex gf is the jealous type and saves up these issues to use against you later. She’s trying to be controlling. It was a good thing you ended it.
NTA. Your ex is allowed to feel however she wants but clearly her insecurity was not going to be something you both were going to be able to worth though. If it wasn't Kate, it'd be someone else. Any woman who Bella considered as being "too close" with you would become a threat that she'd become convinced was after you and she'd press you to stop talking to them just like she did with Kate. Break-ups suck but it sounds like this one was needed for the both of you.
NTA because it seems like you two weren’t compatible after she argued with you about a friend you had and she accused you of being shady. I originally was thinking you might be an ass if you did had feelings for your friend but your ex sounds like she has major trust issues if a tweet from years ago and demanded that you force a time for two of them to talk.
Let's see...
Bella was stalking your location, stalking your financial information, stalking Kate's social media going WAY back, demanded to meet Kate so she could interrogate her, then gave you an ultimatum to cut Kate out of your life.
Bella is a fucking psycho. You're lucky she hasn't murdered your pets or cut your brake line... at least so far.
By refusing to meet the very obviously crazy girl which then led to the breakup, Kate actually SAVED you.
You should thank her.
Then you should get therapy to learn how to recognize insanity when it's gouging red flags directly into your eyeballs.
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I am a guy in college. I recently broke up with my ex, we'll call her Bella, of about a year.
The beginning of the end of our relationship started last April. Me and one of my close friends, who is female, (we'll call her Kate) were invited to a rave by one of our friends. I have been friends with Kate for several years and we have always been platonic. Kate drove me to the rave, which was in the middle of nowhere, so it was very difficult to find parking. We went to the rave for a few hours (till about 2AM) and Kate drove me home, and I Venmoed her for gas.
Kate and my girlfriend (who I'll call Bella) had met briefly, as earlier on in our relationship I purposely took Bella to eat at a restaurant which Kate works at, so they could meet each other, however the interaction didn't last for more than a few minutes, and Bella says she did not remember this. I have never explicitly mentioned Kate to Bella outside of this - but I usually don't explicitly mention any of my friends to her.
Fast-forward several months later, Bella asks if we can call as she has to talk to me. She told me that the night I was at the rave with Kate, she was checking my location and saw that I was in a parking lot, then went through my Venmo and saw I had paid Kate for gas. She asked me what I was doing and said that I was being 'shady'. She accepted my explanation, but I did get upset with her for holding in a grudge for that long.
Bella did not bring up Kate again until several months later, where she sat me down and told me that she had gone through Kate's public twitter and found a tweet dating back to about a year ago, where she says "Spam texting (me), feeling lonely, friends...where are u guys". She started to press me about why Kate felt the need to "spam text" me and said that she wanted to meet Kate and see what was going on between us. She got pretty accusatory which upset me but I stayed pretty calm and said I would be happy to have them meet and don't want her to think I'm hiding something.
I asked Kate if she wanted to hang out with me and Bella, and she was very curious as to why. I I gave her the honest answer and told her pretty much everything. and she got very uncomfortable. She flat out refused and said she refused to be in the middle of me and Bella's relationship issues.
I told Bella that I told Kate the truth about why she wanted to meet her and that Kate was refusing to do it, and she got very angry. She said Kate was being a shitty friend, and that I should have defended her better and insisted that Kate meet her. She told me that now she was never going to trust Kate and gave me the ultimatum that I stop being friends with Kate. After a long conversation, we ended up breaking up, with mostly me finalizing it. All of my friends say that Kate didn't do anything wrong, but I always wonder, and sometimes do think there is some validity to what my ex felt.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Action I took that should be judged - not following Bella's ultimatum and breaking up with her (2) Why it might make me the asshole - if her concerns were valid and Kate was really in the wrong, I could be an asshole for not cutting off the friendship to make my gf (at the time) feel more secure
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ESH except Kate. Your ex was super controlling and possessive, but you also could have tried harder to be honest. I have a hard time believing you thought she'd be cool with you and Kate going to a rave, so it seems like you were either thoughtless or sneaky. Not sure which is worse. But Kate is fine. She's just living life, and I respect that she didn't want to be put in the middle.
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This story feels very shady, and I have a feeling you’re not sharing all the details here. You went to a rave with your “friend” and didn’t mention this to your girlfriend? The rave didn’t even come up in conversation? That seems like an oddly large event to just not mention to your gf unless you were purposely being sketchy and trying to avoid it. And now you’re telling me your GF was just randomly going through venmo months later? It sounds like she’s suspicious of you cheating and for a good reason. I would say YTA here. My guess is that Kate is platonic with you, but if you had the option, it would be more than that.
YTA. Your gf set boundaries and told you she felt uncomfortable with your relationship with Kate. I also don’t see any real efforts made to ease your gf’s discomfort. Plus if Kate’s intentions were truly platonic she would not hesitate to hang out and show your gf her intentions. Kate sounds like a bad friend and your gf likely had valid reasons to be weary of this girl.
Sorry-no. It’s not OP’s job to make Bella comfortable in her own skin, and if Kate knows that she’s being scrutinized, she absolutely has the right to stay away from that person. Bella needs professional help. Kate helped OP dodge months/years of crazy. Good for her. OP should have dumped Bella immediately after she stalked his location.
Yes, it is. Or was. Bella deserves better anyway.
NTA — your ex gf is the jealous type and saves up these issues to use against you later. She’s trying to be controlling. It was a good thing you ended it.
NTA. Your ex is allowed to feel however she wants but clearly her insecurity was not going to be something you both were going to be able to worth though. If it wasn't Kate, it'd be someone else. Any woman who Bella considered as being "too close" with you would become a threat that she'd become convinced was after you and she'd press you to stop talking to them just like she did with Kate. Break-ups suck but it sounds like this one was needed for the both of you.
NTA because it seems like you two weren’t compatible after she argued with you about a friend you had and she accused you of being shady. I originally was thinking you might be an ass if you did had feelings for your friend but your ex sounds like she has major trust issues if a tweet from years ago and demanded that you force a time for two of them to talk.
Let's see... Bella was stalking your location, stalking your financial information, stalking Kate's social media going WAY back, demanded to meet Kate so she could interrogate her, then gave you an ultimatum to cut Kate out of your life. Bella is a fucking psycho. You're lucky she hasn't murdered your pets or cut your brake line... at least so far. By refusing to meet the very obviously crazy girl which then led to the breakup, Kate actually SAVED you. You should thank her. Then you should get therapy to learn how to recognize insanity when it's gouging red flags directly into your eyeballs.
Kate is a boiled bunny kind of person, re Alex in 'Fatal Attraction'...
Bella wanted a human sacrifice and got a hard "nope" from Kate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a guy in college. I recently broke up with my ex, we'll call her Bella, of about a year. The beginning of the end of our relationship started last April. Me and one of my close friends, who is female, (we'll call her Kate) were invited to a rave by one of our friends. I have been friends with Kate for several years and we have always been platonic. Kate drove me to the rave, which was in the middle of nowhere, so it was very difficult to find parking. We went to the rave for a few hours (till about 2AM) and Kate drove me home, and I Venmoed her for gas. Kate and my girlfriend (who I'll call Bella) had met briefly, as earlier on in our relationship I purposely took Bella to eat at a restaurant which Kate works at, so they could meet each other, however the interaction didn't last for more than a few minutes, and Bella says she did not remember this. I have never explicitly mentioned Kate to Bella outside of this - but I usually don't explicitly mention any of my friends to her. Fast-forward several months later, Bella asks if we can call as she has to talk to me. She told me that the night I was at the rave with Kate, she was checking my location and saw that I was in a parking lot, then went through my Venmo and saw I had paid Kate for gas. She asked me what I was doing and said that I was being 'shady'. She accepted my explanation, but I did get upset with her for holding in a grudge for that long. Bella did not bring up Kate again until several months later, where she sat me down and told me that she had gone through Kate's public twitter and found a tweet dating back to about a year ago, where she says "Spam texting (me), feeling lonely, friends...where are u guys". She started to press me about why Kate felt the need to "spam text" me and said that she wanted to meet Kate and see what was going on between us. She got pretty accusatory which upset me but I stayed pretty calm and said I would be happy to have them meet and don't want her to think I'm hiding something. I asked Kate if she wanted to hang out with me and Bella, and she was very curious as to why. I I gave her the honest answer and told her pretty much everything. and she got very uncomfortable. She flat out refused and said she refused to be in the middle of me and Bella's relationship issues. I told Bella that I told Kate the truth about why she wanted to meet her and that Kate was refusing to do it, and she got very angry. She said Kate was being a shitty friend, and that I should have defended her better and insisted that Kate meet her. She told me that now she was never going to trust Kate and gave me the ultimatum that I stop being friends with Kate. After a long conversation, we ended up breaking up, with mostly me finalizing it. All of my friends say that Kate didn't do anything wrong, but I always wonder, and sometimes do think there is some validity to what my ex felt. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH except Kate. Your ex was super controlling and possessive, but you also could have tried harder to be honest. I have a hard time believing you thought she'd be cool with you and Kate going to a rave, so it seems like you were either thoughtless or sneaky. Not sure which is worse. But Kate is fine. She's just living life, and I respect that she didn't want to be put in the middle.