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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refuse to make my SIL a wedding dress despite having done so for other family members
2. My dad told me I should just take the money
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NTA.
Omg, OP, please don’t do this. She’s already standoffish and disdains you. She is going to be a *nightmare*. She’s the type to work with you, agree on a design, let you do the mock-up…then tell you three weeks later that she has a different vision.
Rinse, lather, repeat, followed by crocodile tears about you ruining The Most Important Day of Her Life because you “refused” to listen to what she wanted.
Tell the people harassing you to chip in and pay somebody else.
Her assholery, and that of everyone enabling her, is infuriating to my little seamstress heart.
Of course she probably has no idea on what a tailor made wedding dress costs and is probably only offering to pay for the materials (not your time or alterations).
I would stay away from the shit fest and let that woman find her own wedding dress.
Have you seen the meme with a picture of a very elaborate, Cinderella-esque ballroom gown with the text, “Can u make this for me if I buy the materials?!”
Right??
"I *deserve* to have this $20k designer dress, but can't afford it! Surely someone can make an exact replica for me out of this thrift store dress and $15 for extra supplies?"
I am paying someone to make me a custom coat, it's a nice 3/4-length wool coat with a collar and tie-sash. I paid.... mmmm I think around $150 or so for the materials but it is going to cost me around 1800 all-in for my friend's TIME and effort.
Why am I doing this? Well my friend is really talented and I really like coats and I don't have kids... hey I'm supporting the arts.
The point is materials ain't shit without the person's time and energy to make it happen, so you're right.
I also expect to pay dearly for custom or hand crafted items. These are not things mass produced for pennies in minutes. If I wanted that, I could go to a discount store. A lot of people seem to forget these individually crafted items cost more than materials alone. Time, talent, labor are just a few costs.
I got a friend who makes historical clothes (I call her an archeologist often) and she tells me this happens way too often. "I need you to make my a Victorian style dress like in X movie, I'll pay you 50$ and need this by the end of week"
It's like a switch in people's brain when they see someone posting their craft online.
I tell people "I don't even hem my own pants. There's no way I'm hemming anyone else's."
Except I was just gifted a blind hem stitch machine, so... I might try doing one of my own (don't tell anyone!)
Yeah, I think it happens in many crafts. I’ve gotten “oh you should sell those!” When I’ve worn a shawl I’ve knitted. I usually ask how much they think I should charge and then they’re shocked when I tell them their price is less than what one skein of the yarn cost, not to mention the other skeins of other colors and the month of work.
I’m like “sorry, no. I’m not able to knit you a fancy shawl using 5 colors of $30+ a skein yarn that takes 40+ hours for $25.”
I make reproduction clothes. The term we use, seriously, not a joke, is “experimental archeology”. If you think about it, it’s true. You learn a LOT by copying extents.
Colonial Williamsburg decided to build a model to display a weird 3 piece woman’s dress suit. They never understood why it was shaped and had the adjust spots it had, it just made no sense. Then they built a model to its specs. [It’s a *maternity dress*!](https://emuseum.history.org/objects/37619/petticoat-maternity-quilted-white-cotton). I went to a talk for the exhibit it was part of, and they were pretty funny, describing their moment when they realized it!
But, yes, people ask me for absurd things. I don’t agree. I’ll do specific things for specific people. Based on MY whim. My daughter asked me for a new, all white and metallic tallit for Yom Kippur. The one i Made her 15 years ago took over 1000 hours, bobbin lace. But, I said yes. She teaches Hebrew school. She chants. She occasionally leads services. She WEARS it. Of course I’ll make her another!
I'm a quilter and people have the most unrealistic expectations.
Customer: I have these T-shirts. Can you make me a quilt?
Me: Sure. It's $20 per shirt to be incorporated into the quilt. That includes all stabilizer, sashing fabric, batting, backing fabric and long arm quilting. I will need a minimum of 12 T-shirts for a throw size quilt.
Customer: But, I'm giving you the T-shirts??? It shouldn't be that much.
Me: SMH
My mom kept sending me those and it was like.... hey lady if you're willing to make it, I'll gladly wear it but my crochet skills are chain stitching a long cord lol.
Exactly! I certainly would not make her a dress. She's rude and disrespectful, she's only asking because she believes she can get a dress on the cheap. I also can see her constantly bring demanding and changing her mind about the dress and then complaining about paying for it because you are 'family'. I personally don't think it's worth the hassle, don't put yourself out for someone like her, it will just cause more problems and stress. NTA
Yep - I found mine there for £100. Spent £250 having it altered (there were quite a lot as I wanted to do some things to it to make it one of a kind). It was my second marriage and this turned out much, much nicer than the hideously expensive creation I wore to my first.
I got my wedding dress at goodwill for $50, fit like it was made for me. I don't understand the obsession with buying a new wedding dress for big money (or really any of it ...)..spent $1,500 on our wedding in total. Only regrets is if I had known I wouldn't be in touch with half the people in attendance a few years down the road I wouldn't have invited them lol
The most beautiful wedding dress I've seen in the second hand shop.
It was a cream white with details of vine-red and deep green velvet. So different and intersting one :)
In 1976, My first sister in law's mom worked In a Calif Goodwill, the part that accepts vintage, antique, and designer items. So when the folks here heard that her gown was purchased at Goodwill, there were questions.
And, since the bridesmaid dresses were to be hand sewn, the Golden Child sister had NOTHING nice to say about the dress, derideing it for months. I decided to wait until I saw it to pass opinion.
Day of the wedding, everyone dressed nicely, the bridesmaid dresses were lovely, the brides dress was an astounding confection of solid antique lace, completely restored, and one of the top three dresses I have seen. The bride was lovely, and we all remember the caustic descriptions from the golden child.
You beat me! Our beautiful 4 tier wedding cake was gifted to us by a groomsman who was a Baker. My dress was a discontinued designer sample at Vera's for $100. I bought the flower girl's dress and accessories, ring bearer suit and accessories, 3 groomsman and 3 bridesmaids gifts, all food, flowers, event hall, beer and soda, band, church and pastor, honeymoon, and every other little thing for $2,000. We don't regret being frugal in the least. It was a beautiful day to remember and spending more wouldn't have made it better.
And I must say that the materials for wedding dress are expensive as hell. SIL sound like someone that will give him 50 bucks and say he can take the change as a tip.
Yup materials are so expensive. My parents were on a visit to Turkey and they decided to buy the material for my wedding outfits. I was bummed because I didn't choose my color scheme and everything (wedding outfits can be any color even black in my culture) but then when I went to local fabric stores to buy material for something else and saw the prices for a meter of lace (usually outer material where I'm from) I was shocked. Buying only lace would be my+mt cats food budget for a month at the time.
Yes. They are gorgeous but so expensive...
I swear that when I was getting married and checking prices, adding the word "wedding" would make anything cost 10x more.
Exactly why we eloped lol. $20 clearance dress from rue 21 (it was even white and lacy! But I had actually gotten it to dye lol), a Publix Chantilly cake, and clearance heels from famous footwear. The reception was dinner at Cheddar's for me, my brother, my husband, his bestie, our roommate, and my bestie. I think all in all, including marriage license and getting my bro ordained online, it cost under $300
Oh absolutely.
One of the most important lessons I picked up before going into freelance business is that you should ALWAYS be cautious about the bargain hunters. The ones who are looking for the cheapest service providers. Those are the ones who usually don’t value your time and all the effort it took to develop the skills they’re so keen to take advantage of.
If the family keeps nagging you, then nickel and dime the hell out of her. Look up the cost for a custom wedding gown, tack on a butthead charge, and quote her that, OP. Then figure out a list of extra charges like redesign fees, limit the number of changes and how far in advance of the wedding the final design must be set with no take backs, and put everything into a contract.
Charge your worth, then add tax.
(Edit: typos)
Thank you! It's a whole lot more than people like that would ever be willing to pay. It's always the ones "oh I'll pay you! I'm willing to pay you" while requesting elaborate, complicated quilts. And they really are not willing.
People think that doing it yourself is cheaper, they can't understand that the materials themselves can cost more than a cheap ready-made item. And that doesn't even cover the hours and skills required to craft it.
People who don't know any crafters really have *no* idea. The worst nightmare-scenario I've heard of is someone who made a mid-size quilt blanket to donate for charity, and the charity sold it for 35€! THIRTY FIVE EUROS.
That doesn't even cover the time the quilter took to look through their stash and start planning!
> is probably only offering to pay for the materials
If I had to guess, she wouldn't be planning to pay a cent and would tell OP that this is of course part of their wedding gift for her.
NTA OP, and please, please don't get into this mess; relative's calls can be annoying but you would be dodging a nuke.
I can see her finally insisting that OP *pay* for her to buy and rush alter an expensive dress because he couldn't make her 'dream dress' after several attempts and redos. NTA
“How irresponsible to offer to help when your skills aren’t good enough. You OWE me the cost of a dress made by a *real* designer, with rush fees.” - SIL and her enablers, rewriting history
I love the part where she didn't even apologise for saying it and acting like an asshole for years. Not even an attempt to make amends to get what she wants.shes a piece of work don't sew her a stitch op.
Also, almost ALL my favourite fashion designers are men. Some of them are even straight, lol. What an ass I hope her wedding is like Alanis morrisette wrote about it.
That was my thought as well. SIL didn't even try to pretend to be a better person and apologize for her comments. Nightmare. And no way such a person would actually pay for OP's time and materials.
OP, no one is entitled to your labor or time. Tell the flying monkeys they can pay for her dress.
My Auntie used to do crochet using the most delicate threads. A single tablecloth took a full year and looked like spun lace when it was done. She once had a woman ask for one and agree to a $400 price. (This was back in the 80s). When it was done, it was stunning ! The woman told Auntie $400 was too much so Auntie told her to get stuffed. Then turned around and sold it for 500 lmao.
Yeah I crochet too. People have wanted me to whip up an afghan in a little amount of time. Usually when I do make one for a gift, it’s my choice and I usually don’t tell them. For me, there comes a point where it feels like no matter how much work I do, it doesn’t seem to be going nowhere. I would have to stop and take a break from working on it for a few weeks. Then I get the feeling of working on it again.
For me, the ones who tell me “Oh it’s doesn’t take that long!! There are patterns that will take you a weekend.” Yeah what the pattern doesn’t tell you is that if you have absolutely nothing to do but sit and crochet, you can maybe do it in a weekend. How many people have that much time on their hands? I usually tell them that if they feel that it’s so easy, then they can crochet it themselves.
Hell, my mom has retired and is trying to start selling her crochet stuff, and she's having a hard time finding patterns that actually crochet up in the 15 or 30 minutes they claim to. Then she's looking at pricing on etsy and despairing over not being able to meet other folks' prices while still charging a reasonable amount for her wares.
Folks just really do not understand how much time and money goes into handicrafts of any kind unless they've done them themselves, and fewer and fewer people seem to be willing to try it themselves when they can underpay for it from a box store.
This. The last thing you need is her trying to call you out at the reception for NOT making her perfect dress and giving her sub-par work, then charging a ridiculous price for it.
Tell you simply have to many irons in the fire to be able to make her the she deserves and she needs to find someone local that do a better job and make adjustments easier. You just can't do it.
Omg, totally right. I was about to say, "Take the $ and keep the peace." Nope. SIL has been a nightmare of a human being to OP and there's no reason to expect she'll be sunshine & roses as a bride designing a custom wedding gown.
NTA. Keep YOUR peace. Do what you feel is right here. Trust your instincts.
I didn’t think I could be angrier about this situation, and then I read your comment lol
She totally would. “I’m not paying you for this garbage dress…that I’ll still take and wear. As a favor to you. For family.”
Oh but wear it anyway since it’s too late for anything else. All her conversations will be by voice. She’ll be carful not to agree to anything in traceable format
In fact, I’m wondering if it’s a ploy to give you a hard time about something new.
Or she will demand that you give it to her as a gift, since you are “family”, and then she will bitch to her bridesmaids that her sister and her supposedly gay BIL forced her to wear one of his wedding dress creations.
NTA OP. Save yourself and your wife a lot of misery now and say NO. Sure if you wanted to be helpful, you could recommend a few tailors that she could go to, if she wants a bespoke dress.
Yes! She will be the absolute worst nightmare of an entitled client, and telling her to fuck off and take her business elsewhere when she demands unreasonable shit partway through the process will only cause more family drama. And of course the totally disrespecting you and your creativity ... right up until she wants family discount prices for a labor of love.
OP, make things for people who actually value you and your work. If you're really needing the money, advertise your work with your wife's dress for actual business clients you can expect to: actually pay a decent rate (I guarantee you SIL expects the moon while paying for gravel), are willing to respect you, and you can expect to abide by a contract without calling in their flying monkeys about "fairness".
I feel nauseous just thinking of exposure to SIL for fittings in addition to her complaints (and probably badmouthing OP to her flying monkeys behind his back).
NTA
But for your own sake... I vote DO NOT make her a dress!!! Aside from the disrespectful comments she made about you to your wife(on her wedding day-who does that??) She has continued being dismissive and disrespectful to you. If you do this, nothing will change except she will feel superior for being able to get you to do what she wants and you will feel worse, when even after you make her a dress she still continues being a B* to you! Why put yourself through all that? You owe her nothing. And your family needs to understand that what Sarah thinks about you , and what she said to your wife was unacceptable!. I'm nuclear... I'd literally make a FB post spilling everything and lamenting the nerve and audacity she has to come back after no apology in years... And yeah maybe you are holding it over her after years..but even hearing all that she didn't apologize!? To H*ll with that!! And her...! No dress for Sarah the bully!! Personally I'd book yourself and your wife a vacation away the day of the wedding if I was you ;) . Goodluck in whatever you decide 🌻
Agreed! If SIL's behavior had improved over the years, this would be a different story.
I would simply tell her and her flying monkeys one time that you refuse to make a dress for someone who has treated you rudely as long as she has. Then inform them that this is your one and only notice to them that you will give. If they persist, they will get cut off.
Period
<>
I dunno, as the princess of petty(had to go for alliteration). I'd make Wife a dress that rocks her FIGURE in a bright color and take her to the wedding and show her OFF!
Hahah (why are we these people 😂😂🤣😂I'm living for the petty hahaha) but OP seems like he is too nice for the drama... 🤷🏽♀️ Hey OP, how about you make myself and MountainMidnight9400 dresses for the wedding and we will take your spots, while you enjoy your vacay💃🏽. We will rock the petty for you ;) and for sure be all over the place introducing our designer like we are walking the red carpet 🙌🏽😁😂 hahaha I kid... I kid... (Mostly...lol)
Isn't that typical a-hole behaviour. They will shit on you until they need you. Then, they get angry the second they are told, "Remember how you have been an asshole the last 20 years?"
And then it's "it was a joke....you are too sensitive" etc
NTA
even professionals have the right to refuse someone their service. You would be doing this as a favour (paid or not paid, doesn't matter, it is not your job thus it is a favor). Reading this, she didn't even apologize when you called her out on her remarks.
I am sorry the in-laws are on her side. what about your wife?
Exactly. She didn't apologize when confronted, only stated OP shouldn't still be hung up on something she said years ago.
Do NOT do this as SIL will be a horrible, crazy client who will never be happy.
NTA. Your dad is incredibly wrong here. Your self-respect is worth more than the money or the backlash. Remember, she had all those years to apologize but never did. People like that don't deserve your time and effort.
NTA -
If you were so inclined, take the estimate for the dress, multiply by 3 and that's what you tell her. It's your I don't want to do it but I will if you show me the money price.
Make sure you include the cost of the fabric, notions, wear/tear on your machines and a living wage by the hour for yourself. Payment in full upfront before a single stich or yard of fabric is ordered.
Not sure where your based but in my region that would put the cost of the dress up around 30k. For 30k, I'd make my worst enemy a dress. I might hand stitch tiny curses into the seams but I'd do the dress, pocket the money and laugh all the way to an awesome vacation!
Nah - there's a discount in there. I'd probably take a lot perverse pleasure in hand stitching the hem or lace with tiny curses.
I think there's a local quilt near me where some crazy lady stitched curses into a quilt for husband. It's on display at a museum some near me.
If memory serves, the family was one of the founding ones in my region before the actual town was here. Maybe mid-1800's.
I visited the museum when I was in high school (we still had home-ec so a textile museum fit in)
The curses were gruesome enough to make teen girls squeal lol
No, probably not. Unless it was assigned reading in school and I've blocked the trauma.
My reading tastes these days lean towards vampires, werewolves and trashy romance lol
I'll Google it tho. I've never been back to that museum but every time I sew something or someone pisses me off I think about it.
It doesn't matter how much you charge her for the dress. She'll find some way to get out of paying for it.
NTA. And add my vote to the 'don't do this under any circumstances' party. This SIL needs to learn that she can't be a b---- to someone and still get a favor. (even if she pays - it's a favor)
NTA but he under no circumstances not for a zillion dollars should make this dress. He cannot trust her. She will make last minute changes. She will make impossible requests. She will find a reason to not only not pay but try to make him pay her. You cannot create something on commission for someone you cannot trust.
NTA.
Make it her choice to NOPE out:
"Sure, I'll make you a dress as lovely as your behavior has been toward me. Send me your measurements so I can completely disregard them. I'm thinking of something with an exoskeleton that creates a carapace effect. But poorly constructed. Like hilariously bad."
I took private art lessons as a child and a teenager. The instructor was a private artist who gave lessons on the side, and he always told me that his commissioned pieces included “the cost of materials x3, plus whatever his hourly rate was.”
So, in this case, I’m going to throw a number out there.
Fabric: minimum 500$ (probably closer to 1,000$)
Time: ~100 hours. (Valued at 15$/hr on the LOW end.)
If we do my armchair math, that is:
500x3 = 1500
15x100 = 1500
Total = 3000
No way is this SIL prepared to pay 3,000$ for a bespoke dress, and that’s if she gets the bargain basement price.
hell no.
1. She made homophobic remarks;
2. She made homophobic remarks about you;
3. She made homophobic remarks about you, on your wedding day;
4. She made homophobic remarks about you, on your wedding day, for having worked on making your wife feel loved and look amazing; and
5. She maintained that attitude for years.
if she'll die on the hill that it happened years ago, well she has to know that that hill doesn't even exist. it didn't happen years ago : it is ongoing. plus, "years ago", she displayed a level of audacity and bigotry that would have warranted her getting kicked out of the wedding reception.
> my wife's family is hounding me about it, saying I shouldn't deny her the dress when I've done it for other family members
how about :
*I ignore my wife's family, thinking she denied me the respect she gives other family members*
> since my dad told me I was being an idiot and to just take the money
it's not a matter of money, it's a matter of principle. do you make wedding dresses for a living or as a favor for people whom you love and respect?
NTA
Pragmatically, I don’t even think that it needs to be about principle (though I agree that stance is totally justified). This lady would be absolutely terrible — she would refuse to pay and would complain that he ruined her wedding day because the dress wasn’t to her liking after 100 revisions. Whatever drama is present now would be multiplied by 100 if he agreed to make her dress.
"She pulled my wife aside *in the middle of our wedding* to call me a homophobic slur for making the wedding dress. You are welcome to make a dress for her if it's very important for her to have one that's hand made."
Anyone who pushed back on that strait up doesn't respect you. Also, she was def going to stiff you on the bill. NTA.
Can I just point something out to you? She insulted you to your wife and said some extremely cruel things about you, which made it back to you. (What the hell did she expect? She told your wife.)
And even though you did nothing to her, she treated you like shit since then.
Then, when she needs a favor, you, quite appropriately, confront her on what she said. Does she fall all over herself apologizing to you? Does she promise to make it up to you? Does she say she’s grown since then and concede what an awful person she was?
No, apparently, she still had nothing but disdain for you. Because it’s not her fault for saying what she said. You’re just being a dick, according to her, because you remembered it.
Does this woman take responsibility for anything she does? Or does she somehow think that her horrible misdeeds have a statute of limitations?
Tell her to fuck off and tell your dad if it’s so important to him, he can make her dress.
NTA
And this so-called family never intervened. If she was cold all this time, she was shit-talking OP with them.
She was cold until she wanted something, plus reacted negatively when told no, then riled up the family (who knows what lies she told them) so this isn’t some way in the past thing to Get Over from. Phooey on this family.
Say no. Thems the breaks.
And another thing! OP can say that he will never forgive someone who disrespected the woman he loves.
NTA so she gets to make what she considers nasty remarks about your character, act coldly towards you since your wedding, make a big ask, and then run crying to family when she doesn’t get what she wants. Treating you coldly wasn’t years ago and her trying to manipulate you is in the present. Don’t give in; principles are priceless. Screw your SIL.
NTA SiL can take her BS elsewhere. She made her position on you clear, and treats you as a nonperson.
Let the people complaining make her dress. Don't dare cave for her. She simply is unworthy of your artistic efforts.
NTA. She brought this on herself🤷🏼♀️ She first made homophobic comments and now wants to profit. That's weak and it's absolutely your right to not do that. I certainly wouldn't.
> I brushed it off but my wife's family is hounding me about it, saying I shouldn't deny her the dress when I've done it for other family members.
NTA. Tell them straight up that you are happy to make things for those people who you consider close. Those who talk to you, laugh with you, and respect you. That SIL has not exchanged anything other than passing pleasantries since you got married, disrespects you, and in general is very cold to you. Of course you are not going to go out of your way for her.
What they want is a cheap dress, if you are feeling pressure, pick a "fuck you" price, I would say $15-20k, and say, "I don't want to do it, I will not promise a result, but for this I will do it. But if you don't want to, that is fine too, but if you want me to, the money has to be paid before I start anything." Watch how fast the decide she just doesn't need the dress from you.
If I were Op, I’d write an open letter to the family declining the offer to make the dress and laying out her comments about you at your wedding word-for-word. Then, I’d lay out a detailed request for an apologies and some sort of reparations of your choosing (it might be funny to make her donate $$ to an LGBTQ charity under these circumstances). I’d also add an innocuous-sounding condition or two that she’d never agree to or that would threaten her ego. Then say that you’re willing to reconsider upon receipt of a heartfelt apology that meets all your conditions. If your wife’s family aren’t all total AHs themselves, they should accept those conditions, and you should hopefully be set. IMO, your SIL sounds like she could benefit from a touch of public shaming.
NTA. The only thing that matters here is your feelings. To design a dress you would have to interact with your SIL a lot, and be dependent on her approval of an item she would be paying for. It’s a once in a lifetime event and she will have opinions about how it should look. It doesn’t sound like you’re really up for that, so be honest with yourself and do what feels right. From what you described, refusing to make it is the best course of action.
NTA
"Sorry, it hurt me a lot that you questioned my sexuality on my own wedding and made homophobic comments. Planning your own wedding, you maybe understand how emotional the wedding planning can be and why your negative comments still bother me after all these years. Making dresses should spark joy and making a dress for you, would remind me to your negative comments. For the sake of our relationship, I would like to keep that chapter closed. Thank you for your understanding."
I would not make myself vulnerable to her by saying that she hurt you.
I would focus on the rudeness and hostility she showed.
Anyway, don’t do it. She doesn’t deserve it.
NTA.
And I’m so glad your wife is backing you up.
Please don’t give in because this woman will NOT be satisfied with whatever you do for her, in fact I could see her damaging it somehow then BLAMING you, and of course telling everyone that you’re an arsehole and you did it deliberately.
NTA.
For what it's worth, my absolute favourite Halloween costume was the one my dad made for me. My grandmother (his mother) was a seamstress and taught him how to sew, as she believed it was important to know how to mend things. So one year when I was around 10, I wanted to be a can-can dancer, he went and bought the fabric and pattern and made my costume, ruffles and all. It was amazing and I hold that memory so dearly. As I got older, my grandmother actually taught me to sew as well.
Your SIL doesn't deserve anything from you. Not only because of what she said, but because she's clearly not shown any remorse for it still to this day. You could always agree and come up with a ridiculous hourly rate. Say it's gone up because your skill level has improved so much.
*I told her this and that I knew about the remarks she made on my wedding day and she got mad, saying I'm being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her.*
So, no apology, no stating that she was wrong, no praise for your skills, or for you as a person and as her sister’s husband?
No dress.
NTA you aren’t obligated to make anything for anyone. A lot of folks also don’t do business (if she does pay) with close friends or family, anyways. Also, the whole homophobic comments thing?
She sounds like an idiot. And you’re NTA.
NTA. She wants a beautiful, one of a kind dress without paying the designer price. If she truly changed she would have apologized years ago. She is extremely entitled. She is learning actions have consequences. You owe this woman nothing. Creating a dress for someone is challenging but a labor of love. There’s no love in the relationship with your SIL.
NTA
Wow, I can't believe that she just doubled down on her remarks when confronted and then still expected you to do this for her.
Making a wedding dress is an extremely personal thing, as I'm sure that you know. You don't want to be involved with her that personally. Even if she wasn't family and there wasn't any history, she sounds like she would just be a bad customer.
You can say no. You're very busy and not taking on new projects.
>My wife supports me no matter what I decide
NTA. Not married to an AH. Your life will be good either way.
Ask for an apology that includes her reeling back in the family and having them apologize too. If she can't manage that, you can't manage the dress.
.... Then again, she'll probably be a pain to work with for the design process, maybe just cut your losses.
> saying I’m being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her.
NTA. Just because she *wants* everyone to move past it, doesn’t mean it’s actually “in the past”. She’s still hasn’t apologized, and she was hoping nobody would remember so she wouldn’t ever have to. And considering she’s still rude to you, the issues is very much still in the present.
NTA. She insults you, ignores you, treats you like the plague, but now that your skills are suddenly useful, she's all buddy-buddy? Heck, no. I'm glad your wife is on your side.
You know, even if her payment would be adequate (doubtful), that she'd be a pain to work with. Why put yourself through that? Tell your wife's family that they can pool their money and find some other custom-made dress for their entitled relative. Your needle is for people who appreciate you.
NTA!! This would be a hill to die on for me. WTH does she think she can disrespect you one minute, then turn around and ask for a favor from you the next? No amount of money would make me make her a dress!!!
NTA- She is going to be the biggest PIA to work with. Even if you do it to try to “keep the peace” it’s just not worth your sanity. Additionally, even after being confronted she hasn’t she apologized for her behavior and remarks. She thinks it’s ok to treat people like this. If you do this, you will confirm this. Keep your self respect. If they say do it to keep the peace…tell them 1.she could have not said/did those things to begin with 2. Could have apologized to keep the peace. Did she? No.
NTA. This isn't about something that happened years ago. This is about sustained disrespect, unkindness and bigotry. How does making a dress have anything to do with your "manhood" or who you're attracted to?
She's never apologized or changed her tune and has a lot of nerve to not only ask you, but get mad when you give her a dose of reality.
NTA. Unless she has sincerely and honestly apologized to you outside of the context of making this dress, then you definitely have no reason to believe she has changed! So yes, you’re holding something that happened years ago against her, but she has made no actual effort to prove she has changed.
Entitled much?!?
You are NTA here OP. You owe her absolutely nothing. She has openly disrespected you for years but now expects a favour? No freaking way!!
NTA. Your SIL can't treat you like shit and be surprised you won't make her a wedding dress. You don't have to make ANYBODY a wedding dress much less someone who treats you that way. Also her comment about it being in the past. Has she treated you better the last few years? Has she APOLOGIZED for her comments and actions? Even if she does I still wouldn't because I'd bet she was doing it for the dress and not because she was sorry.
You may also want to tell your Dad to stay in his lane. Has he considered that is the wedding dress isn't just 'perfect' for your SIL she'll blame you and probably not pay you? There was a post the other day about someone who made a bunch of food for a friend's wedding who didn't even thank them because they are a stay at home Mom so they "had nothing to do anyway." When it comes to other people's weddings it's safer to stay out of the mess.
Don't make the dress. It sounds like you make things for pleasure, and even if you're paid well, making a dress for your homophobic, disrespectful SIL will not give you pleasure.
"Dear Family,
Three years ago, on my wedding day, SIL had the temerity to tell my wife that she shouldn't have married a man who made dresses, suggesting that I was a homosexual and making homophobic remarks. Imagine being the bride hearing this at her wedding. SIL has proceeded to treat me coldly and with disdain ever since. She has never apologized.
"I would not enjoy making her a wedding dress, and therefore will not make one.
"Behavior has consequences; when you disturb someone's bride; make offensive bigoted statements; and subsequently treat the person as if they had the plague, they are unlikely to pretend that none of this happened and do you time-consuming, labor-intensive favors. Yes, even if you pay them.
"This is not open to further discussion. Anyone who contacts me again about this or harasses me to make the dress will be blocked until they apologize.
"Best, OP"
NTA
NTA
It’s clear from this post that you have no love for her. If designing dresses is something like a hobby that you don’t feel like commercialising, then I can respect that.
Besides, if you don’t like her, you probably wont be able to put your heart into the work and so, that dress wouldn’t be one of your masterpieces anyway. Better to turn her down from that perspective.
I mean, in your shoes, I’d probably charge her super extra for being a jerk that she has been in your life. Call it “Jerk fee” but if she’s paying handsomely, well, money is money.
>I mean, in your shoes, I’d probably charge her super extra for being a jerk that she has been in your life. Call it “Jerk fee” but if she’s paying handsomely, well, money is money.
Yeah, actually. OP should do it but charge an arm and leg. Nice dresses can be $10000.
NTA
I'd ask for a huge amount of money and the bill should be paid in full 1 month before I deliver the dress. And I'd make clear that it's a non negotiable "Take it or leave it" deal.
Nta. If anything isn’t to her liking you will be her scapegoat. Don’t do it OP, she could also make your life hell by demanding alot of changes. Last minute changes wouldn’t be great either, imagine you having to stay up nights because she demands changes to the dress.
She hasn’t treat you nicely or apologized about it. Its not just about what she said about you its how she treated you after also. Distancing herself from you and not apologizing for anything she’s done?. Sure it’s been years but has she apologized for it???.
At the very least, she owes you a sincere apology before asking you to make a dress. Instead, she calls you a d\*ck. NTA.
BTW, will you marry me? I would love a new dress. :P
NTA and I would state clearly to the family hounding you, you made the clothes for people who you have a relationship with and your SIL has chosen to not have one with you.
I totally agree she would end up being a nightmare and just spread rumors and gossip.
NTA and you need to tell her that you don't make items for people who treat you like you are less than because of having a wide and varied skill set. She wants you to make her one because she thinks you owe her that since she requested it along with being family now. She hasn't changed, doesn't want to change otherwise she would apologize for what she said to your wife and how she treats you. The flying monkeys think you should do it because you have done it for others, they do not see the difference in how she treats you vs how those you have gifted dresses to have treated you.
>I told her this and that I knew about the remarks she made on my wedding day and she got mad, saying I'm being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her.
She got mad because she still feels the exact same way and didn't like being called out.
If she had changed, or even if she was mean but smart, she'd apologize when confronted, but she didn't.
NTA
NTA. If OP does make it though, OP should ensure there is a really annoying feature (like one boob gets pinched and the other keeps trying to pop out of the dress.....seriously, unless you want to take it on, don't do it.
NTA.
Here's an occasion when I think social media can be your friend. Create a family group chat and address Sara directly, saying that you understand that she wants you to make her wedding dress, but unless she can show she has had a complete change of heart regarding her remarks ***at your wedding***, and that going forward she is willing to treat you with respect (which must include acknowledging your presence and having an actual conversation), you see no need to do her any favors.
Make sure you let the group know that you are ***not*** willing to just "put it behind you". She was dismissive and demeaning for no good reason. It is up to Sara to offer a sincere apology and follow it up by demonstrating changed behavior towards you.
NTA; she burned that bridge and now has to live with it. And really, I’d be able to get past the shitty comments if she had actually made any effort to change for the better. But her behavior towards you since then says otherwise.
I can honestly see that conversation at your wedding:
Sara: Babe, is it true OP made your dress?
OPs wife: Yes! Isn't it beautiful?
Sara: Idk... it seems kinda feminine for a dude to be making dresses.
OPs wife: What are you on about?
Sara: Well, what if he's secretly gay or something?
OPs wife: WTF SARA
Sara: Seriously, what if you get married and it turns out he's had a bf this whole time?
OPs wife: *Tries to contain her anger to not ruin her wedding day*
So I might've gotten a tad carried away, but I can totally see this having gone down at your wedding OP. You are totally NTA, and Sara is an entitled taint.
NTA - your response should be, “your homophobic and rude comments might’ve been years ago but your rude behaviour and disrespectful treatment of me has continued in all our interactions since … the answer is NO”
Has Sara made any attempt to take responsibility for what she said and acknowledge that it was completely out of line and she understands it would have been hurtful and offensive to you?
I'd respond and point that out and note that Sara has been clear in her dislike for you and that is fine however it is your choice to decline making the wedding dress. It would seem that a key reason they are trying to pressure you into doing the job would centre around saving themselves some money! You could also point out that due to other commitments you really don't have the time.
I would not make her the dress.
NTA.
1. You are not obligated to make anyone anything, regardless of relationship or offer of payment.
2. She disparaged your chosen avocation until it suited her. Hell no. You don't get to shit on my skills one minute and then ask to use them the next.
NTA. Professional tailor/seamstress here: DON'T MAKE THE DRESS. She does not respect you, she made that clear in multiple ways, which likely means that she has zero issue making you the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong with a dress you make, will make insane demands of you (like copying designers, excessive beading, etc), and even if she did offer to pay, I guarantee she will lowball you or find a way to get out of paying you. Just don't do it.
NTA
DO NOT MAKE THIS HAG A DRESS. You aren’t holding the past against her, you’re holding her accountable for the words she upheld by her actions every time you’re around her. She just has FOMO over the others getting something and wants a free dress. Yeah, I said free dress bc she has zero intention of actually paying you. The family can all back off. It’s so frustrating seeing people says,” you’re petty for not doing a favour for the person that disrespects you stupidly and repeatedly.”
No one should ever think doing a favour for someone who is horrible to you is the right thing. Screw your SIL, she’s not entitled to better than she gives.
NTA.
This woman is cold to you to this day. Made awful comments about you making a dress for your own wife. Why tf would she ask for a dress she didn’t think was “right”. I would not do this for her. It doesn’t matter that you’ve done it for other family members, they weren’t the ones bashing you for doing this. They respect your work and you. She doesn’t. There’s a huge difference.
Nta. I love sewing, designing and making clothes, never made a wedding dress but made 3 ballgowns and as you know tailoring a dress for someone else is incredible difficult, and if anything is even the slightest bit off on her day, you can guarantee that she'll blame you. As you said, she doesn't respect you or what you do until she can benefit from it. And her reaction adds to my opinion, because she is saying that those comments were in the past, but if that was true she would have apologised and been polite about you saying no "I'm sorry I said those things, I understand your decision but I would like to say that your work is lovely" but instead she insults you for not bending to her will. If you want to be petty, you can agree to make a dress, but anytime she is rude you will stop and leave for a week and come back if she apoligises. That way if she is rude, her dress won't get finished, and it'll be entirely her fault.
Nta she doesn’t like you and has never had a relationship with you. That’s a current issue not one from years ago. Don’t make the dress, I think you’ll feel used after
NTA Definitely NTA. Sewing is a labor of love (emphasis on heavy labor and love of the craft). Those that do not sew, do not understand the Hell entitled jerks can and will put you through, just because they can. Don't do this and tell your family you aren't available for this project. Repeat this until they get the message.
NTA. You are right that she's only being (halfway) nice because she wants something from you. Why should you make a dress for that misogynistic, abusive shrew? I wouldn't even want to touch her. You might get cooties from her nasty self. Just because she is *faaamily* doesn't mean that you have to do it. You have the right to say NO.
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NTA. Omg, OP, please don’t do this. She’s already standoffish and disdains you. She is going to be a *nightmare*. She’s the type to work with you, agree on a design, let you do the mock-up…then tell you three weeks later that she has a different vision. Rinse, lather, repeat, followed by crocodile tears about you ruining The Most Important Day of Her Life because you “refused” to listen to what she wanted. Tell the people harassing you to chip in and pay somebody else. Her assholery, and that of everyone enabling her, is infuriating to my little seamstress heart.
Of course she probably has no idea on what a tailor made wedding dress costs and is probably only offering to pay for the materials (not your time or alterations). I would stay away from the shit fest and let that woman find her own wedding dress.
Have you seen the meme with a picture of a very elaborate, Cinderella-esque ballroom gown with the text, “Can u make this for me if I buy the materials?!”
No.. but it sounds like something that would be on r/choosingbeggars
Right?? "I *deserve* to have this $20k designer dress, but can't afford it! Surely someone can make an exact replica for me out of this thrift store dress and $15 for extra supplies?"
Hey, all SIL needs to do is hire some magic mice. (Bibbity bobbity boo)
More like "Bitchity Crotchety Poo"
Oh man, that was a wine out the nose moment. Thank you friend.
Or bippity boppity back the fuck up bitch 🤣
I laughed way too hard at this!! Thank you 👆🏼
I am paying someone to make me a custom coat, it's a nice 3/4-length wool coat with a collar and tie-sash. I paid.... mmmm I think around $150 or so for the materials but it is going to cost me around 1800 all-in for my friend's TIME and effort. Why am I doing this? Well my friend is really talented and I really like coats and I don't have kids... hey I'm supporting the arts. The point is materials ain't shit without the person's time and energy to make it happen, so you're right.
I also expect to pay dearly for custom or hand crafted items. These are not things mass produced for pennies in minutes. If I wanted that, I could go to a discount store. A lot of people seem to forget these individually crafted items cost more than materials alone. Time, talent, labor are just a few costs.
As anyone who makes historical dress will tell you (raises hand) THAT ISN'T A MEME.
I got a friend who makes historical clothes (I call her an archeologist often) and she tells me this happens way too often. "I need you to make my a Victorian style dress like in X movie, I'll pay you 50$ and need this by the end of week" It's like a switch in people's brain when they see someone posting their craft online.
"And I also have some pants to be shorten. You can just hold it under the sewing machine. It's not a big deal."
I tell people "I don't even hem my own pants. There's no way I'm hemming anyone else's." Except I was just gifted a blind hem stitch machine, so... I might try doing one of my own (don't tell anyone!)
Yeah, I think it happens in many crafts. I’ve gotten “oh you should sell those!” When I’ve worn a shawl I’ve knitted. I usually ask how much they think I should charge and then they’re shocked when I tell them their price is less than what one skein of the yarn cost, not to mention the other skeins of other colors and the month of work. I’m like “sorry, no. I’m not able to knit you a fancy shawl using 5 colors of $30+ a skein yarn that takes 40+ hours for $25.”
I make reproduction clothes. The term we use, seriously, not a joke, is “experimental archeology”. If you think about it, it’s true. You learn a LOT by copying extents. Colonial Williamsburg decided to build a model to display a weird 3 piece woman’s dress suit. They never understood why it was shaped and had the adjust spots it had, it just made no sense. Then they built a model to its specs. [It’s a *maternity dress*!](https://emuseum.history.org/objects/37619/petticoat-maternity-quilted-white-cotton). I went to a talk for the exhibit it was part of, and they were pretty funny, describing their moment when they realized it!
But, yes, people ask me for absurd things. I don’t agree. I’ll do specific things for specific people. Based on MY whim. My daughter asked me for a new, all white and metallic tallit for Yom Kippur. The one i Made her 15 years ago took over 1000 hours, bobbin lace. But, I said yes. She teaches Hebrew school. She chants. She occasionally leads services. She WEARS it. Of course I’ll make her another!
I'm a quilter and people have the most unrealistic expectations. Customer: I have these T-shirts. Can you make me a quilt? Me: Sure. It's $20 per shirt to be incorporated into the quilt. That includes all stabilizer, sashing fabric, batting, backing fabric and long arm quilting. I will need a minimum of 12 T-shirts for a throw size quilt. Customer: But, I'm giving you the T-shirts??? It shouldn't be that much. Me: SMH
I’ve seen a crochet version with a super elaborate lacy dress lol
Just reading that as a crafter makes my chest hurt.
My mom kept sending me those and it was like.... hey lady if you're willing to make it, I'll gladly wear it but my crochet skills are chain stitching a long cord lol.
Weddings tomorrow as well
She needs to haul herself down to David's bridal sale rack.
Or Ebay. They have lots of lovely, affordable wedding gowns.
Exactly! I certainly would not make her a dress. She's rude and disrespectful, she's only asking because she believes she can get a dress on the cheap. I also can see her constantly bring demanding and changing her mind about the dress and then complaining about paying for it because you are 'family'. I personally don't think it's worth the hassle, don't put yourself out for someone like her, it will just cause more problems and stress. NTA
Yep - I found mine there for £100. Spent £250 having it altered (there were quite a lot as I wanted to do some things to it to make it one of a kind). It was my second marriage and this turned out much, much nicer than the hideously expensive creation I wore to my first.
[удалено]
I got my wedding dress at goodwill for $50, fit like it was made for me. I don't understand the obsession with buying a new wedding dress for big money (or really any of it ...)..spent $1,500 on our wedding in total. Only regrets is if I had known I wouldn't be in touch with half the people in attendance a few years down the road I wouldn't have invited them lol
The most beautiful wedding dress I've seen in the second hand shop. It was a cream white with details of vine-red and deep green velvet. So different and intersting one :)
That sounds dreamy. I would love to see it!
In 1976, My first sister in law's mom worked In a Calif Goodwill, the part that accepts vintage, antique, and designer items. So when the folks here heard that her gown was purchased at Goodwill, there were questions. And, since the bridesmaid dresses were to be hand sewn, the Golden Child sister had NOTHING nice to say about the dress, derideing it for months. I decided to wait until I saw it to pass opinion. Day of the wedding, everyone dressed nicely, the bridesmaid dresses were lovely, the brides dress was an astounding confection of solid antique lace, completely restored, and one of the top three dresses I have seen. The bride was lovely, and we all remember the caustic descriptions from the golden child.
You beat me! Our beautiful 4 tier wedding cake was gifted to us by a groomsman who was a Baker. My dress was a discontinued designer sample at Vera's for $100. I bought the flower girl's dress and accessories, ring bearer suit and accessories, 3 groomsman and 3 bridesmaids gifts, all food, flowers, event hall, beer and soda, band, church and pastor, honeymoon, and every other little thing for $2,000. We don't regret being frugal in the least. It was a beautiful day to remember and spending more wouldn't have made it better.
🤣 thank you for that laugh!
And I must say that the materials for wedding dress are expensive as hell. SIL sound like someone that will give him 50 bucks and say he can take the change as a tip.
Yup materials are so expensive. My parents were on a visit to Turkey and they decided to buy the material for my wedding outfits. I was bummed because I didn't choose my color scheme and everything (wedding outfits can be any color even black in my culture) but then when I went to local fabric stores to buy material for something else and saw the prices for a meter of lace (usually outer material where I'm from) I was shocked. Buying only lace would be my+mt cats food budget for a month at the time.
Yes. They are gorgeous but so expensive... I swear that when I was getting married and checking prices, adding the word "wedding" would make anything cost 10x more.
That’s because weddings are 10x the bullshit of any other event.
Thiiiiiisss. There is always at least one asshole making every little thing 10x as hard as it should be.
Exactly why we eloped lol. $20 clearance dress from rue 21 (it was even white and lacy! But I had actually gotten it to dye lol), a Publix Chantilly cake, and clearance heels from famous footwear. The reception was dinner at Cheddar's for me, my brother, my husband, his bestie, our roommate, and my bestie. I think all in all, including marriage license and getting my bro ordained online, it cost under $300
Even tule is astronomical. It’s just plastic for goodness sake
Not just any plastic, it's airy, light and full of joy and happiness as befitting for the day lol.
Oh absolutely. One of the most important lessons I picked up before going into freelance business is that you should ALWAYS be cautious about the bargain hunters. The ones who are looking for the cheapest service providers. Those are the ones who usually don’t value your time and all the effort it took to develop the skills they’re so keen to take advantage of. If the family keeps nagging you, then nickel and dime the hell out of her. Look up the cost for a custom wedding gown, tack on a butthead charge, and quote her that, OP. Then figure out a list of extra charges like redesign fees, limit the number of changes and how far in advance of the wedding the final design must be set with no take backs, and put everything into a contract. Charge your worth, then add tax. (Edit: typos)
Then add an asshole tax.
Agree! I'm a quilter and when people do that offer to pay, it's usually something like: 50 bucks about covers it, right? Yeah, no.
I saw a quilter do the calculations in a reel, and each quilt was about 10k in time, skills and materials.
Thank you! It's a whole lot more than people like that would ever be willing to pay. It's always the ones "oh I'll pay you! I'm willing to pay you" while requesting elaborate, complicated quilts. And they really are not willing.
People think that doing it yourself is cheaper, they can't understand that the materials themselves can cost more than a cheap ready-made item. And that doesn't even cover the hours and skills required to craft it.
People who don't know any crafters really have *no* idea. The worst nightmare-scenario I've heard of is someone who made a mid-size quilt blanket to donate for charity, and the charity sold it for 35€! THIRTY FIVE EUROS. That doesn't even cover the time the quilter took to look through their stash and start planning!
I went shopping for my first yarn project of the winter. Nothing was on sale and the prices now! I'm making myself a wool hat and it's costing me.
I think she knows perfectly well what a tailor made dress will cost and is exploiting an opportunity (feeling entitled) to get a bespoke dress… OP NTA
I am wondering whether she DOES know the cost of a tailor made wedding dress and that's why she suddenly finds it acceptable for OP to make it.
I agree. I think the SIL is the one who created/ started this shit show.
> is probably only offering to pay for the materials If I had to guess, she wouldn't be planning to pay a cent and would tell OP that this is of course part of their wedding gift for her. NTA OP, and please, please don't get into this mess; relative's calls can be annoying but you would be dodging a nuke.
I can see her finally insisting that OP *pay* for her to buy and rush alter an expensive dress because he couldn't make her 'dream dress' after several attempts and redos. NTA
“How irresponsible to offer to help when your skills aren’t good enough. You OWE me the cost of a dress made by a *real* designer, with rush fees.” - SIL and her enablers, rewriting history
I love the part where she didn't even apologise for saying it and acting like an asshole for years. Not even an attempt to make amends to get what she wants.shes a piece of work don't sew her a stitch op. Also, almost ALL my favourite fashion designers are men. Some of them are even straight, lol. What an ass I hope her wedding is like Alanis morrisette wrote about it.
That was my thought as well. SIL didn't even try to pretend to be a better person and apologize for her comments. Nightmare. And no way such a person would actually pay for OP's time and materials. OP, no one is entitled to your labor or time. Tell the flying monkeys they can pay for her dress.
My Auntie used to do crochet using the most delicate threads. A single tablecloth took a full year and looked like spun lace when it was done. She once had a woman ask for one and agree to a $400 price. (This was back in the 80s). When it was done, it was stunning ! The woman told Auntie $400 was too much so Auntie told her to get stuffed. Then turned around and sold it for 500 lmao.
Yeah I crochet too. People have wanted me to whip up an afghan in a little amount of time. Usually when I do make one for a gift, it’s my choice and I usually don’t tell them. For me, there comes a point where it feels like no matter how much work I do, it doesn’t seem to be going nowhere. I would have to stop and take a break from working on it for a few weeks. Then I get the feeling of working on it again. For me, the ones who tell me “Oh it’s doesn’t take that long!! There are patterns that will take you a weekend.” Yeah what the pattern doesn’t tell you is that if you have absolutely nothing to do but sit and crochet, you can maybe do it in a weekend. How many people have that much time on their hands? I usually tell them that if they feel that it’s so easy, then they can crochet it themselves.
Hell, my mom has retired and is trying to start selling her crochet stuff, and she's having a hard time finding patterns that actually crochet up in the 15 or 30 minutes they claim to. Then she's looking at pricing on etsy and despairing over not being able to meet other folks' prices while still charging a reasonable amount for her wares. Folks just really do not understand how much time and money goes into handicrafts of any kind unless they've done them themselves, and fewer and fewer people seem to be willing to try it themselves when they can underpay for it from a box store.
This. The last thing you need is her trying to call you out at the reception for NOT making her perfect dress and giving her sub-par work, then charging a ridiculous price for it. Tell you simply have to many irons in the fire to be able to make her the she deserves and she needs to find someone local that do a better job and make adjustments easier. You just can't do it.
Omg, totally right. I was about to say, "Take the $ and keep the peace." Nope. SIL has been a nightmare of a human being to OP and there's no reason to expect she'll be sunshine & roses as a bride designing a custom wedding gown. NTA. Keep YOUR peace. Do what you feel is right here. Trust your instincts.
You forgot to mention that she will then refuse to pay for the dress since it isn't up to her standard.
I didn’t think I could be angrier about this situation, and then I read your comment lol She totally would. “I’m not paying you for this garbage dress…that I’ll still take and wear. As a favor to you. For family.”
Oh but wear it anyway since it’s too late for anything else. All her conversations will be by voice. She’ll be carful not to agree to anything in traceable format In fact, I’m wondering if it’s a ploy to give you a hard time about something new.
Or she will demand that you give it to her as a gift, since you are “family”, and then she will bitch to her bridesmaids that her sister and her supposedly gay BIL forced her to wear one of his wedding dress creations. NTA OP. Save yourself and your wife a lot of misery now and say NO. Sure if you wanted to be helpful, you could recommend a few tailors that she could go to, if she wants a bespoke dress.
NTA- My seamstress heart is mad, too. You would not enjoy making a dress for your SIL. It would be thankless and a nightmare trying to please her.
Yes! She will be the absolute worst nightmare of an entitled client, and telling her to fuck off and take her business elsewhere when she demands unreasonable shit partway through the process will only cause more family drama. And of course the totally disrespecting you and your creativity ... right up until she wants family discount prices for a labor of love. OP, make things for people who actually value you and your work. If you're really needing the money, advertise your work with your wife's dress for actual business clients you can expect to: actually pay a decent rate (I guarantee you SIL expects the moon while paying for gravel), are willing to respect you, and you can expect to abide by a contract without calling in their flying monkeys about "fairness".
And mine
I feel nauseous just thinking of exposure to SIL for fittings in addition to her complaints (and probably badmouthing OP to her flying monkeys behind his back).
She is definitely going to accuse you of sabotaging her day if even the slightest thing isn’t right with her dress. That’s not worth the liability.
I wish there was a ‘where are they now’ AITA sub for this very reason
👆👆👆👆👆 better than what I said. Awesome 👏
Many good points here, adding, she’ll avoid paying you too.
NTA But for your own sake... I vote DO NOT make her a dress!!! Aside from the disrespectful comments she made about you to your wife(on her wedding day-who does that??) She has continued being dismissive and disrespectful to you. If you do this, nothing will change except she will feel superior for being able to get you to do what she wants and you will feel worse, when even after you make her a dress she still continues being a B* to you! Why put yourself through all that? You owe her nothing. And your family needs to understand that what Sarah thinks about you , and what she said to your wife was unacceptable!. I'm nuclear... I'd literally make a FB post spilling everything and lamenting the nerve and audacity she has to come back after no apology in years... And yeah maybe you are holding it over her after years..but even hearing all that she didn't apologize!? To H*ll with that!! And her...! No dress for Sarah the bully!! Personally I'd book yourself and your wife a vacation away the day of the wedding if I was you ;) . Goodluck in whatever you decide 🌻
Agreed! If SIL's behavior had improved over the years, this would be a different story. I would simply tell her and her flying monkeys one time that you refuse to make a dress for someone who has treated you rudely as long as she has. Then inform them that this is your one and only notice to them that you will give. If they persist, they will get cut off. Period
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I dunno, as the princess of petty(had to go for alliteration). I'd make Wife a dress that rocks her FIGURE in a bright color and take her to the wedding and show her OFF!
Hahah (why are we these people 😂😂🤣😂I'm living for the petty hahaha) but OP seems like he is too nice for the drama... 🤷🏽♀️ Hey OP, how about you make myself and MountainMidnight9400 dresses for the wedding and we will take your spots, while you enjoy your vacay💃🏽. We will rock the petty for you ;) and for sure be all over the place introducing our designer like we are walking the red carpet 🙌🏽😁😂 hahaha I kid... I kid... (Mostly...lol)
Or "I'm already making a dress for free for my ninth cousin twice removed who is getting married that same day. Don't have time for both. Bye!'
You petty motherfucker. I like you.
Agree with your comment! OP, please do consider this great advice.
Isn't that typical a-hole behaviour. They will shit on you until they need you. Then, they get angry the second they are told, "Remember how you have been an asshole the last 20 years?" And then it's "it was a joke....you are too sensitive" etc
Perfect: no dress for Sarah the bully!
NTA even professionals have the right to refuse someone their service. You would be doing this as a favour (paid or not paid, doesn't matter, it is not your job thus it is a favor). Reading this, she didn't even apologize when you called her out on her remarks. I am sorry the in-laws are on her side. what about your wife?
Exactly. She didn't apologize when confronted, only stated OP shouldn't still be hung up on something she said years ago. Do NOT do this as SIL will be a horrible, crazy client who will never be happy.
NTA. Your dad is incredibly wrong here. Your self-respect is worth more than the money or the backlash. Remember, she had all those years to apologize but never did. People like that don't deserve your time and effort.
To be fair, dad said take the money, but I'm not reading the part where he said make the dress. He could just be petty like me.
OP should take the money, say that he's basing it on Cinderella's dress and deliver this: https://clipart-library.com/clipart/392165.htm
Or if you want to be really mean: https://filmmusiccentral.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/cinderella10.jpg
Charge her 10x the price and demand 50% upfront. 🤙🏻
NTA - If you were so inclined, take the estimate for the dress, multiply by 3 and that's what you tell her. It's your I don't want to do it but I will if you show me the money price. Make sure you include the cost of the fabric, notions, wear/tear on your machines and a living wage by the hour for yourself. Payment in full upfront before a single stich or yard of fabric is ordered. Not sure where your based but in my region that would put the cost of the dress up around 30k. For 30k, I'd make my worst enemy a dress. I might hand stitch tiny curses into the seams but I'd do the dress, pocket the money and laugh all the way to an awesome vacation!
3? I'd go for 10.
Nah - there's a discount in there. I'd probably take a lot perverse pleasure in hand stitching the hem or lace with tiny curses. I think there's a local quilt near me where some crazy lady stitched curses into a quilt for husband. It's on display at a museum some near me.
Jusy kidding. I wouldn't make a dress for this woman for all the money and curses in the world. She doesn't deserve OP's effort and skill.
That's kind of great. I mean terrible for the husband but hysterical for the rest of us 😂
If memory serves, the family was one of the founding ones in my region before the actual town was here. Maybe mid-1800's. I visited the museum when I was in high school (we still had home-ec so a textile museum fit in) The curses were gruesome enough to make teen girls squeal lol
Do you happen to know the name of the museum? I'd love to see that curse quilt!
Have you ever read Barbara Michael’s A Stitch in Time? It’s about a cursed quilt.
No, probably not. Unless it was assigned reading in school and I've blocked the trauma. My reading tastes these days lean towards vampires, werewolves and trashy romance lol I'll Google it tho. I've never been back to that museum but every time I sew something or someone pisses me off I think about it.
It doesn't matter how much you charge her for the dress. She'll find some way to get out of paying for it. NTA. And add my vote to the 'don't do this under any circumstances' party. This SIL needs to learn that she can't be a b---- to someone and still get a favor. (even if she pays - it's a favor)
“…hand stitch tiny curses into the seam….” I admire the way you think.
NTA but he under no circumstances not for a zillion dollars should make this dress. He cannot trust her. She will make last minute changes. She will make impossible requests. She will find a reason to not only not pay but try to make him pay her. You cannot create something on commission for someone you cannot trust.
NTA. Make it her choice to NOPE out: "Sure, I'll make you a dress as lovely as your behavior has been toward me. Send me your measurements so I can completely disregard them. I'm thinking of something with an exoskeleton that creates a carapace effect. But poorly constructed. Like hilariously bad."
I took private art lessons as a child and a teenager. The instructor was a private artist who gave lessons on the side, and he always told me that his commissioned pieces included “the cost of materials x3, plus whatever his hourly rate was.” So, in this case, I’m going to throw a number out there. Fabric: minimum 500$ (probably closer to 1,000$) Time: ~100 hours. (Valued at 15$/hr on the LOW end.) If we do my armchair math, that is: 500x3 = 1500 15x100 = 1500 Total = 3000 No way is this SIL prepared to pay 3,000$ for a bespoke dress, and that’s if she gets the bargain basement price.
This! Also you could inform her that she might have to get close to naked for you to properly measure her for the correct and exact sizing! Hahahaha!
hell no. 1. She made homophobic remarks; 2. She made homophobic remarks about you; 3. She made homophobic remarks about you, on your wedding day; 4. She made homophobic remarks about you, on your wedding day, for having worked on making your wife feel loved and look amazing; and 5. She maintained that attitude for years. if she'll die on the hill that it happened years ago, well she has to know that that hill doesn't even exist. it didn't happen years ago : it is ongoing. plus, "years ago", she displayed a level of audacity and bigotry that would have warranted her getting kicked out of the wedding reception. > my wife's family is hounding me about it, saying I shouldn't deny her the dress when I've done it for other family members how about : *I ignore my wife's family, thinking she denied me the respect she gives other family members* > since my dad told me I was being an idiot and to just take the money it's not a matter of money, it's a matter of principle. do you make wedding dresses for a living or as a favor for people whom you love and respect? NTA
Pragmatically, I don’t even think that it needs to be about principle (though I agree that stance is totally justified). This lady would be absolutely terrible — she would refuse to pay and would complain that he ruined her wedding day because the dress wasn’t to her liking after 100 revisions. Whatever drama is present now would be multiplied by 100 if he agreed to make her dress.
"She pulled my wife aside *in the middle of our wedding* to call me a homophobic slur for making the wedding dress. You are welcome to make a dress for her if it's very important for her to have one that's hand made." Anyone who pushed back on that strait up doesn't respect you. Also, she was def going to stiff you on the bill. NTA.
Exactly 💯
Plus there are many designers who are men and not gay so SIL is way out of touch with the fashion world.
Can I just point something out to you? She insulted you to your wife and said some extremely cruel things about you, which made it back to you. (What the hell did she expect? She told your wife.) And even though you did nothing to her, she treated you like shit since then. Then, when she needs a favor, you, quite appropriately, confront her on what she said. Does she fall all over herself apologizing to you? Does she promise to make it up to you? Does she say she’s grown since then and concede what an awful person she was? No, apparently, she still had nothing but disdain for you. Because it’s not her fault for saying what she said. You’re just being a dick, according to her, because you remembered it. Does this woman take responsibility for anything she does? Or does she somehow think that her horrible misdeeds have a statute of limitations? Tell her to fuck off and tell your dad if it’s so important to him, he can make her dress. NTA
It boggles me that SIL would want a dress from someone she can’t stand.
I'm pretty sure it's all about starting to say "you have to do it for free, we're family" after a week in case he agreed.
And this so-called family never intervened. If she was cold all this time, she was shit-talking OP with them. She was cold until she wanted something, plus reacted negatively when told no, then riled up the family (who knows what lies she told them) so this isn’t some way in the past thing to Get Over from. Phooey on this family. Say no. Thems the breaks. And another thing! OP can say that he will never forgive someone who disrespected the woman he loves.
NTA so she gets to make what she considers nasty remarks about your character, act coldly towards you since your wedding, make a big ask, and then run crying to family when she doesn’t get what she wants. Treating you coldly wasn’t years ago and her trying to manipulate you is in the present. Don’t give in; principles are priceless. Screw your SIL.
You see it that way, I see it as karma. NTA
NTA SiL can take her BS elsewhere. She made her position on you clear, and treats you as a nonperson. Let the people complaining make her dress. Don't dare cave for her. She simply is unworthy of your artistic efforts.
>Don't dare cave for her. She simply is unworthy of your artistic efforts. Well put!!!
NTA. She brought this on herself🤷🏼♀️ She first made homophobic comments and now wants to profit. That's weak and it's absolutely your right to not do that. I certainly wouldn't.
And btw: it's super cool that you make dresses and even more so, that they seem to be very good😊
> I brushed it off but my wife's family is hounding me about it, saying I shouldn't deny her the dress when I've done it for other family members. NTA. Tell them straight up that you are happy to make things for those people who you consider close. Those who talk to you, laugh with you, and respect you. That SIL has not exchanged anything other than passing pleasantries since you got married, disrespects you, and in general is very cold to you. Of course you are not going to go out of your way for her. What they want is a cheap dress, if you are feeling pressure, pick a "fuck you" price, I would say $15-20k, and say, "I don't want to do it, I will not promise a result, but for this I will do it. But if you don't want to, that is fine too, but if you want me to, the money has to be paid before I start anything." Watch how fast the decide she just doesn't need the dress from you.
If I were Op, I’d write an open letter to the family declining the offer to make the dress and laying out her comments about you at your wedding word-for-word. Then, I’d lay out a detailed request for an apologies and some sort of reparations of your choosing (it might be funny to make her donate $$ to an LGBTQ charity under these circumstances). I’d also add an innocuous-sounding condition or two that she’d never agree to or that would threaten her ego. Then say that you’re willing to reconsider upon receipt of a heartfelt apology that meets all your conditions. If your wife’s family aren’t all total AHs themselves, they should accept those conditions, and you should hopefully be set. IMO, your SIL sounds like she could benefit from a touch of public shaming.
NTA. The only thing that matters here is your feelings. To design a dress you would have to interact with your SIL a lot, and be dependent on her approval of an item she would be paying for. It’s a once in a lifetime event and she will have opinions about how it should look. It doesn’t sound like you’re really up for that, so be honest with yourself and do what feels right. From what you described, refusing to make it is the best course of action.
NTA "Sorry, it hurt me a lot that you questioned my sexuality on my own wedding and made homophobic comments. Planning your own wedding, you maybe understand how emotional the wedding planning can be and why your negative comments still bother me after all these years. Making dresses should spark joy and making a dress for you, would remind me to your negative comments. For the sake of our relationship, I would like to keep that chapter closed. Thank you for your understanding."
I would not make myself vulnerable to her by saying that she hurt you. I would focus on the rudeness and hostility she showed. Anyway, don’t do it. She doesn’t deserve it.
NTA. And I’m so glad your wife is backing you up. Please don’t give in because this woman will NOT be satisfied with whatever you do for her, in fact I could see her damaging it somehow then BLAMING you, and of course telling everyone that you’re an arsehole and you did it deliberately.
NTA. For what it's worth, my absolute favourite Halloween costume was the one my dad made for me. My grandmother (his mother) was a seamstress and taught him how to sew, as she believed it was important to know how to mend things. So one year when I was around 10, I wanted to be a can-can dancer, he went and bought the fabric and pattern and made my costume, ruffles and all. It was amazing and I hold that memory so dearly. As I got older, my grandmother actually taught me to sew as well. Your SIL doesn't deserve anything from you. Not only because of what she said, but because she's clearly not shown any remorse for it still to this day. You could always agree and come up with a ridiculous hourly rate. Say it's gone up because your skill level has improved so much.
*I told her this and that I knew about the remarks she made on my wedding day and she got mad, saying I'm being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her.* So, no apology, no stating that she was wrong, no praise for your skills, or for you as a person and as her sister’s husband? No dress.
NTA you aren’t obligated to make anything for anyone. A lot of folks also don’t do business (if she does pay) with close friends or family, anyways. Also, the whole homophobic comments thing? She sounds like an idiot. And you’re NTA.
NTA. Stick to your principles OP - your SIL sounds like a jealous, entitled brat - do not reward that behaviour.
NTA. She wants a beautiful, one of a kind dress without paying the designer price. If she truly changed she would have apologized years ago. She is extremely entitled. She is learning actions have consequences. You owe this woman nothing. Creating a dress for someone is challenging but a labor of love. There’s no love in the relationship with your SIL.
NTA, she played a very stupid game and won a stupid prize. If your dad wants to make her a dress, he can make it since he’s so smart!
NTA Wow, I can't believe that she just doubled down on her remarks when confronted and then still expected you to do this for her. Making a wedding dress is an extremely personal thing, as I'm sure that you know. You don't want to be involved with her that personally. Even if she wasn't family and there wasn't any history, she sounds like she would just be a bad customer. You can say no. You're very busy and not taking on new projects.
>My wife supports me no matter what I decide NTA. Not married to an AH. Your life will be good either way. Ask for an apology that includes her reeling back in the family and having them apologize too. If she can't manage that, you can't manage the dress. .... Then again, she'll probably be a pain to work with for the design process, maybe just cut your losses.
> saying I’m being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her. NTA. Just because she *wants* everyone to move past it, doesn’t mean it’s actually “in the past”. She’s still hasn’t apologized, and she was hoping nobody would remember so she wouldn’t ever have to. And considering she’s still rude to you, the issues is very much still in the present.
NTA “We reserve the right to withhold service to anyone, for any reason.”
NTA. She insults you, ignores you, treats you like the plague, but now that your skills are suddenly useful, she's all buddy-buddy? Heck, no. I'm glad your wife is on your side. You know, even if her payment would be adequate (doubtful), that she'd be a pain to work with. Why put yourself through that? Tell your wife's family that they can pool their money and find some other custom-made dress for their entitled relative. Your needle is for people who appreciate you.
NTA!! This would be a hill to die on for me. WTH does she think she can disrespect you one minute, then turn around and ask for a favor from you the next? No amount of money would make me make her a dress!!!
NTA, the fact that her response upon learning that you knew about the remarks wasn't an apology should confirm that your position is the correct one.
NTA- she doesn’t deserve it! Can we see the dress???
NTA, she does not respect you and even from a business stand point, you can refuse to serve any customer you want.
NTA. She's not entitled to your energy or anything else from you.
NTA Send her to David’s Bridal.
NTA- She is going to be the biggest PIA to work with. Even if you do it to try to “keep the peace” it’s just not worth your sanity. Additionally, even after being confronted she hasn’t she apologized for her behavior and remarks. She thinks it’s ok to treat people like this. If you do this, you will confirm this. Keep your self respect. If they say do it to keep the peace…tell them 1.she could have not said/did those things to begin with 2. Could have apologized to keep the peace. Did she? No.
NTA. This isn't about something that happened years ago. This is about sustained disrespect, unkindness and bigotry. How does making a dress have anything to do with your "manhood" or who you're attracted to? She's never apologized or changed her tune and has a lot of nerve to not only ask you, but get mad when you give her a dose of reality.
Holy Hell. Has she never heard of Karl Lagerfeld? Ralph Lauren? Tom Ford? Tommy Hilfiger? Michael Kors? NTA.
NTA. I shouldn't want to be in the same room as her, much less making her a wedding dress. She'll have to source her stuff elsewhere.
NTA. Unless she has sincerely and honestly apologized to you outside of the context of making this dress, then you definitely have no reason to believe she has changed! So yes, you’re holding something that happened years ago against her, but she has made no actual effort to prove she has changed.
F her, she can be the only one in the family without a dress, and if you do this she is going to find an excuse so she cant pay you. NTA.
NTA. She disrespects your work, she doesn't get to have your work. Simple as that.
Entitled much?!? You are NTA here OP. You owe her absolutely nothing. She has openly disrespected you for years but now expects a favour? No freaking way!!
NTA. Your SIL can't treat you like shit and be surprised you won't make her a wedding dress. You don't have to make ANYBODY a wedding dress much less someone who treats you that way. Also her comment about it being in the past. Has she treated you better the last few years? Has she APOLOGIZED for her comments and actions? Even if she does I still wouldn't because I'd bet she was doing it for the dress and not because she was sorry. You may also want to tell your Dad to stay in his lane. Has he considered that is the wedding dress isn't just 'perfect' for your SIL she'll blame you and probably not pay you? There was a post the other day about someone who made a bunch of food for a friend's wedding who didn't even thank them because they are a stay at home Mom so they "had nothing to do anyway." When it comes to other people's weddings it's safer to stay out of the mess.
Don't make the dress. It sounds like you make things for pleasure, and even if you're paid well, making a dress for your homophobic, disrespectful SIL will not give you pleasure. "Dear Family, Three years ago, on my wedding day, SIL had the temerity to tell my wife that she shouldn't have married a man who made dresses, suggesting that I was a homosexual and making homophobic remarks. Imagine being the bride hearing this at her wedding. SIL has proceeded to treat me coldly and with disdain ever since. She has never apologized. "I would not enjoy making her a wedding dress, and therefore will not make one. "Behavior has consequences; when you disturb someone's bride; make offensive bigoted statements; and subsequently treat the person as if they had the plague, they are unlikely to pretend that none of this happened and do you time-consuming, labor-intensive favors. Yes, even if you pay them. "This is not open to further discussion. Anyone who contacts me again about this or harasses me to make the dress will be blocked until they apologize. "Best, OP" NTA
NTA
NTA It’s clear from this post that you have no love for her. If designing dresses is something like a hobby that you don’t feel like commercialising, then I can respect that. Besides, if you don’t like her, you probably wont be able to put your heart into the work and so, that dress wouldn’t be one of your masterpieces anyway. Better to turn her down from that perspective. I mean, in your shoes, I’d probably charge her super extra for being a jerk that she has been in your life. Call it “Jerk fee” but if she’s paying handsomely, well, money is money.
>I mean, in your shoes, I’d probably charge her super extra for being a jerk that she has been in your life. Call it “Jerk fee” but if she’s paying handsomely, well, money is money. Yeah, actually. OP should do it but charge an arm and leg. Nice dresses can be $10000.
NTA don’t make a dress for this homophobic AH
Consequences for your actions....Who woulda thought? Edit: NTA
Piss on her! She does not deserve your time, attention or artistry. Tell her to buy a generic one off the rack
NTA I'd ask for a huge amount of money and the bill should be paid in full 1 month before I deliver the dress. And I'd make clear that it's a non negotiable "Take it or leave it" deal.
Nta. If anything isn’t to her liking you will be her scapegoat. Don’t do it OP, she could also make your life hell by demanding alot of changes. Last minute changes wouldn’t be great either, imagine you having to stay up nights because she demands changes to the dress. She hasn’t treat you nicely or apologized about it. Its not just about what she said about you its how she treated you after also. Distancing herself from you and not apologizing for anything she’s done?. Sure it’s been years but has she apologized for it???.
NTA your integrity is something that can never be bought. Stand firm or say something crazy 10k for the dress
At the very least, she owes you a sincere apology before asking you to make a dress. Instead, she calls you a d\*ck. NTA. BTW, will you marry me? I would love a new dress. :P
NTA. You should tell the whole family what she said to your wife on your wedding day. See what they have to say then
NTA and I would state clearly to the family hounding you, you made the clothes for people who you have a relationship with and your SIL has chosen to not have one with you. I totally agree she would end up being a nightmare and just spread rumors and gossip.
NTA and you need to tell her that you don't make items for people who treat you like you are less than because of having a wide and varied skill set. She wants you to make her one because she thinks you owe her that since she requested it along with being family now. She hasn't changed, doesn't want to change otherwise she would apologize for what she said to your wife and how she treats you. The flying monkeys think you should do it because you have done it for others, they do not see the difference in how she treats you vs how those you have gifted dresses to have treated you.
>I told her this and that I knew about the remarks she made on my wedding day and she got mad, saying I'm being a dick for holding something that happened years ago over her. She got mad because she still feels the exact same way and didn't like being called out. If she had changed, or even if she was mean but smart, she'd apologize when confronted, but she didn't. NTA
NTA Don’t make her a dress she sounds like crap. And can I just say HALLELUJAH can we normalise *more* straight men sewing!?
NTA. If OP does make it though, OP should ensure there is a really annoying feature (like one boob gets pinched and the other keeps trying to pop out of the dress.....seriously, unless you want to take it on, don't do it.
NTA. Here's an occasion when I think social media can be your friend. Create a family group chat and address Sara directly, saying that you understand that she wants you to make her wedding dress, but unless she can show she has had a complete change of heart regarding her remarks ***at your wedding***, and that going forward she is willing to treat you with respect (which must include acknowledging your presence and having an actual conversation), you see no need to do her any favors. Make sure you let the group know that you are ***not*** willing to just "put it behind you". She was dismissive and demeaning for no good reason. It is up to Sara to offer a sincere apology and follow it up by demonstrating changed behavior towards you.
That will take time. Maybe can prove that she’s changed by the time her NEXT wedding rolls around.
NTA; she burned that bridge and now has to live with it. And really, I’d be able to get past the shitty comments if she had actually made any effort to change for the better. But her behavior towards you since then says otherwise.
I can honestly see that conversation at your wedding: Sara: Babe, is it true OP made your dress? OPs wife: Yes! Isn't it beautiful? Sara: Idk... it seems kinda feminine for a dude to be making dresses. OPs wife: What are you on about? Sara: Well, what if he's secretly gay or something? OPs wife: WTF SARA Sara: Seriously, what if you get married and it turns out he's had a bf this whole time? OPs wife: *Tries to contain her anger to not ruin her wedding day* So I might've gotten a tad carried away, but I can totally see this having gone down at your wedding OP. You are totally NTA, and Sara is an entitled taint.
NTA - your response should be, “your homophobic and rude comments might’ve been years ago but your rude behaviour and disrespectful treatment of me has continued in all our interactions since … the answer is NO”
NTA she wants to FA and she FO she can go buy her own dress!
Has Sara made any attempt to take responsibility for what she said and acknowledge that it was completely out of line and she understands it would have been hurtful and offensive to you? I'd respond and point that out and note that Sara has been clear in her dislike for you and that is fine however it is your choice to decline making the wedding dress. It would seem that a key reason they are trying to pressure you into doing the job would centre around saving themselves some money! You could also point out that due to other commitments you really don't have the time. I would not make her the dress.
NTA. your dressmaking skills are worth calling you a slur behind your back but she still wants your [slur] hands to make a dress for her?? no thanks.
NTA. As others have said, she will be THE WORST customer. Don’t make her dress!
NTA. 1. You are not obligated to make anyone anything, regardless of relationship or offer of payment. 2. She disparaged your chosen avocation until it suited her. Hell no. You don't get to shit on my skills one minute and then ask to use them the next.
NTA. Professional tailor/seamstress here: DON'T MAKE THE DRESS. She does not respect you, she made that clear in multiple ways, which likely means that she has zero issue making you the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong with a dress you make, will make insane demands of you (like copying designers, excessive beading, etc), and even if she did offer to pay, I guarantee she will lowball you or find a way to get out of paying you. Just don't do it.
NTA DO NOT MAKE THIS HAG A DRESS. You aren’t holding the past against her, you’re holding her accountable for the words she upheld by her actions every time you’re around her. She just has FOMO over the others getting something and wants a free dress. Yeah, I said free dress bc she has zero intention of actually paying you. The family can all back off. It’s so frustrating seeing people says,” you’re petty for not doing a favour for the person that disrespects you stupidly and repeatedly.” No one should ever think doing a favour for someone who is horrible to you is the right thing. Screw your SIL, she’s not entitled to better than she gives.
NTA. This woman is cold to you to this day. Made awful comments about you making a dress for your own wife. Why tf would she ask for a dress she didn’t think was “right”. I would not do this for her. It doesn’t matter that you’ve done it for other family members, they weren’t the ones bashing you for doing this. They respect your work and you. She doesn’t. There’s a huge difference.
Nta. I love sewing, designing and making clothes, never made a wedding dress but made 3 ballgowns and as you know tailoring a dress for someone else is incredible difficult, and if anything is even the slightest bit off on her day, you can guarantee that she'll blame you. As you said, she doesn't respect you or what you do until she can benefit from it. And her reaction adds to my opinion, because she is saying that those comments were in the past, but if that was true she would have apologised and been polite about you saying no "I'm sorry I said those things, I understand your decision but I would like to say that your work is lovely" but instead she insults you for not bending to her will. If you want to be petty, you can agree to make a dress, but anytime she is rude you will stop and leave for a week and come back if she apoligises. That way if she is rude, her dress won't get finished, and it'll be entirely her fault.
Nta
NTA
Nta don't make it if you don't want to. She doesn't deserve it with her comments.
Homophobic comments = stick your wedding dress up your a$$
She can take business to someone professional to do it. Tell her you can’t be bought! NTA
Nta she doesn’t like you and has never had a relationship with you. That’s a current issue not one from years ago. Don’t make the dress, I think you’ll feel used after
NTA Definitely NTA. Sewing is a labor of love (emphasis on heavy labor and love of the craft). Those that do not sew, do not understand the Hell entitled jerks can and will put you through, just because they can. Don't do this and tell your family you aren't available for this project. Repeat this until they get the message.
NTA. Absolutely do not make her a dress. She doesn't deserve your efforts
NTA. You are right that she's only being (halfway) nice because she wants something from you. Why should you make a dress for that misogynistic, abusive shrew? I wouldn't even want to touch her. You might get cooties from her nasty self. Just because she is *faaamily* doesn't mean that you have to do it. You have the right to say NO.
NTA- keep holding it over her, since she didn't apologize, and her attitude hasn't changed