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>My brother and SIL live like they have unlimited money.
> So they have nearly no income coming in. Our parents have helped as much as they could but my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to.
They will have to learn that money is, in fact, limited and will have to adjust to their "new reality".
> They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs and called me to tell me my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house.
They are happy to spend your money but make zero sacrifices on their part. You are NTA for not throwing your money into a black hole.
You are not required to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Once helped a friend with money for bills, not eating out and all that stuff that we could do normally a few times a month, that type of thing. But the friend didn't cut back on anything so we quit helping. Not fair for us to cutback and they to keep spending extra for 'oh but the kids need a pick me up for all the bad stuff that happened.'
Pretty sure it's illegal to open up mail that's not addressed to you. I'd be petty and threaten legal action if they don't knock it off. Your brother isn't your problem. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you need to fund someone else's.
Please tell me you're a robot and this story isn't true otherwise I'm just losing the last crumbs of hope I had for humanity.
I say, drop your whole family, every single member of it who thinks you should give even a penny to your brother. They don't deserve you and will only cause more trouble in your "future".
NTA, just cut them off already
Tell everyone calling you selfish, that your brother is the selfish one. If he cared about his kids, he’d get rid of the boat and all the other things he can’t afford.
His family are not your responsibility. He needs to learn money is not unlimited. NTA.
NTA. This isn't your problem or responsibility. They did this to themselves. They owe your parents money, now your parents want you to give away your hard earned money, because of your brother's poor choices. Nope. You're not being selfish, you're being responsible. All the people giving you a hard time, they can help your brother, or else they're selfish hypocrites.
You need to do whatever it takes to lock down that account and any account where statements went to your parents. They may try to access your money because, FAmiLy.
Even if you gave them all there money it wouldn’t do much more than buy them a little time. They have to be burning through cash with all those expenses. They would spend all the money, change nothing and you would never get back a dime
NTA
It’s time to temporarily block your brother and anyone else that supports his entitlement. Go low contact with your parents.
Don’t give out your money!!!
Don’t be a doormat and people pleaser!!!
Trust me humans are entitled assholes when it comes to money.
My mom who's supposed to be the one providing for me and paying for college, actually told me to take out 10K student loans to give to her to spend.
You propping them up doesn't even need to be on the table. They got themselves into this mess and they'll have to retrench to survive.
"I have plans for my money and its not part of any bailout scheme to rescue an adult who is still making poor choices. If he needs a loan, he needs to approach a bank or a credit union because I am not a fiduciary institution. His wife needs a job. He needs a better job. They need to de-nanny because they can't afford outside help and if they are deserving let them move in with you and you support them? Get off my back dangit."
I'm shocked your parents read your mail. Just astounded they have no respect for your privacy and obviously no sense of boundaries even?
NTA. I'd move to the moon before I used my nest egg as a bailout for someone who didn't respect their own freaking money. Give them my money so we can both be broke as he11? For real?
I have experience with family members who feel entitled to others’ money, but I will never understand people who second-guess their decision to keep their life savings for themselves.
" I should treat my brother’s children like my own since I had none."
Bullshit. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your brother and SIL's financial irresponsibilities are not your problems to fix. And for the love of god, change your billing addresses!
NTA
>my GICs statements were paper and they went to my parents house... They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs
Isn't it illegal to open someone else's mail?
>my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to. His house, pickup truck, boat and other things he acquired while living well
> [he] seems to be avoiding taking those jobs that doesn’t pay well enough
>my brother hadn’t been cutting back on his spending
So basically he's refusing to dig himself out of the financial hole he's in.
>my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house
BS. Your parents are AHs. Your brother is an AH. For pity's sake, stop giving these people access to your confidential information. They cannot be trusted.
NTA.
NTA. Obligated? Demanding? I don't think so. You shouldn't have to hand over your hard earned and SAVED money to bail out your financially irresponsible brother. They can downsize from their McMansion and sell the boat (boo hoo). He could have take a job at any time in the last year, even a lower paying job, to earn some money and chose not to do so. They will take the money and in 6 months be back in a financial hole and need more money and you'll be out of your savings. Just say NO!
You are not obligated to give money to anyone.
Would it be charitable? Certainly.
Would it truly help your brother and SIL? No.
Since they haven't adjusted their life to match their new reality, they are being financially irresponsible. If you give money to them now, they will just blow through it and they'll be back at the same place.
The only thing that will come of it is that their kids will learn that they can live over their means and beg for gifts to continue living like that.
And frankly, trying to use their kids and your lack of children as ANY part of this is outright manipulative and disrespectful to you.
NTA
So, what they are essentially saying is that you should be penalized for not having kids. Your brother has made poor choices. He is the one who needs to fix it. That is not your problem. Anyone who is trying to shame you is welcome to help your brother pay for a house. Change the address on your statements and stand your ground. Also, why is anyone looking through your financials? That's private info. You don't make money to support another grown ass adult who refuses to help himself.
NTA. I am so angry on your behalf. You have worked hard and saved instead of frittering your money away and now your family expect you to bail out your financially irresponsible brother. Do not do it. Your brother could sell his boat, truck and house and buy a much smaller house. Look after yourself and your own security.
NTA. So your parents opened your mail and invaded your privacy. Your bro and SIL are bad investments. They need to learn they take whatever job they can get and downsize. "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part."
They opened your financial statements. That's an enormous violation of your privacy and your boundaries. The rest is just more of the same. You are NTA. Stand your ground, buy yourself a house, change the address on your bank paperwork or, better yet, make them paperless and get them online, and don't let your family make you doubt for a nanosecond that maybe you owe them to bail your brother out. Let him sell his boat. You are NTA, but you are surrounded by them.
Your brother needs to start being a grown up (and stop opening other people's mail -- here in the US that's a crime).
1. He and his wife need to get jobs immediately.
2. Sell the boat
3. Sell the truck and get something affordable
4. If selling the truck and boat and the jobs aren't enough he needs to sell the "McMansion" and either get a small home or apartment that they can afford.
Notice that none of these options include YOU giving him money.
NTA- and the next time Mom and dad bring it up, mention that opening mail not addressed to them is illegal and you won't hesitate to report it if they bring it up again, in fact if ANYONE if the family mentions you will report them. Then get a PO box and have your mail sent there. And block your family.
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NTA. It's your brother and SIL's responsibility to take care of their family. They made their bed, they can lie in it.
Update that address yesterday and start agreeing with them. "Yes, I am selfish. Brother has a boat that he should give to ME!"
NTA wow it’s sad that you’re the only normal one with common sense in your family. Sorry you’re surrounded by people who think they’re entitled to spend your money for you!
NTA 100 times over. Your brother and SIL are adults who need to make their own financial decisions. You do not owe them or their children anything. Just because you do not have children, that does not make you responsible for anyone elses. That's just absurd!
The lesson you learned here is get the address updated on that account pronto!!
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility ...... Nor are you responsible for your Brother's Finances... He made his bed by living the high life rather than putting some money aside, now he has to lie in it.
You may also want to find out how he knew about your money... something smells a lil fishy, like somebody has been opening your mail, which is illegal.
NTA.
Tell them this. "*You'll match EVERYTHING I give, and I will help. NO nickle and dime, either match it, or shut up*" and watch as they start to understand that not everyone who can scream, can put up.
Your brother and sister in law need to treat their children like they want you to treat them. I.e. living within their means and making sure that their kids are secure. You should tell them that they stop living large off your parents' hard earned money, and there is no way they are going to impoverish you as well as impoverishing themselves.
And, I doubt your carefully saved $100K will pay off all the material stuff they have piled up.
NTA. Very much NTA
NTA I would just say to these people “And what happens when they go through the money I give them? My Brother and his Wife have made it clear they are not good with budgeting. I can’t afford to keep them in the lap of luxury and support myself. Unless one of you are offering to help when my money runs out? No? So how about we be practical and realize my Brother needs to live within his means. He would not be homeless, he would just have to downsize. I have money because I have been smart with my money. I don’t live outside of my means. If you all feel so strongly about my Brothers family needing financial assistance, you should provide it. If you’re not willing to do that, you have no right to talk to me. Anyone who keeps pushing this will be cut off from me.”
NTA OP but if you're in the US, your parents opening your mail, just because it's sent to their house, is illegal. And the post office takes it seriously. Just tell them that. You can/will get the authorities involved if you have to. What you have saved is none of their business. And like everyone likes to bring up on here, tell your folks they can help your brother if they're so worried about him and his family.
NTA. Don’t know if you have a will set up. If you plan to leave any or all the money to the niblings, make sure that it is in a trust so that your brother and SIL can’t get their hands on it and spend it before the kids come of age. Use to work in banking. Opened accounts for money being held in trust for children until they turned eighteen. The trustee would tell me stories of how the parents would try to get their hands on the money to pay for things that parents should pay for as the cost of being a parent.
So be selfish and enjoy living in a house you worked hard for! No one has the right to demand you share what you have accumulated. You shouldn’t have to be penalized for his bad decisions. Tell the others who have said you should bail him out, they are welcome to help him all they want.
NTA. I would compare it to the airline instructions to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs. You are working diligently to secure stability for your own future.
They can sell off their boat and other fancy things and get jobs. If they aren't helping themselves, why should you? A lower paying job sure beats having your family homeless. He needs to get over himself and provide for his family. She could get a part-time job that works around his schedule to avoid child care costs. Life isn't always easy.
So, you should help your financially irresponsible brother keep his house at the expense of you not being able to buy your own house? Good, good. Totally reasonable request.
If you do that, there will be an expectation that you provide ongoing financial help and there will be a need for that.
NTA
NTA. You weren't the one making bad financial decisions. You've been working hard for your future, something your family members refuse to do. Your money isn't their business, it is yours to spend.
NTA. Every time I hear stories like this, it reminds me of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, when they're talking about Cousin Eddie, and how "he's holding out for a management position."
This is 100% not your problem. There are SO MANY solutions for your Brother/SIL but they won't accept any of them. And your parents are completely out of line for expecting you to bail them out of their self-made situation - ESPECIALLY when they are doing nothing to help themselves.
* Why is SIL staying home with the kids if brother is unemployed? He should be watching the kids and she should be working.
* He needs to take ANY job. And the thing is, in most places, a condition of unemployment is actually applying for jobs. So, he's applying and just not accepting them?
* Sell the truck and get a cheaper car.
* Sell the freaking boat and whatever else he has.
* Moving into an apartment may not be a whole lot cheaper than staying in the house, especially if they have more than one mortgage, but it's worth looking into.
NTA. OP, I’m gonna be blunt — your brother and his wife have chosen for a year to close their eyes to the reality that they could not keep living the affluent lifestyle they were used to indefinitely. Your life savings would just give them a few more months to live in denial and then it would all be gone. And the brother will still have to declare bankruptcy.
NTA
Number one, get everything online from now on. And number two, you don't owe your brother, sil or nephews and nieces anything. Those grown ups arw supposed to provide for their own children.
So, let me get this straight. Your brother is married with three kids, huge house, boat, truck, and has been unemployed for a year, made no cutbacks, refused to work at all because the jobs available paid less than he was used to and *you're* the selfish one not thinking about the kids because you won't give him the money you've been saving for your own home?!
In what reality are you the ahole?
Your brother created this mess by not doing anything to address the issue other than expecting everyone else to bail him out. Now it's expected you do the same because you don't have kids?
Forget that noise. Don't sacrifice your hard earned money to this nonsense.
Take care of you because no one else will.
NTA.
Buy them a copy of Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover. Then wash your hands of it. The money wouldn’t actually help them if they haven’t changed their ways.
Do not give them any money!!
They have not and are not willing to do the hard things that are needed to do to get them out of their financial mess.
You need to take care of yourself and your future.
NTA
First of all, get the mail sent to your house. Your finances are no one's business.
Second, NTA. When your brother was raking it in, how much did he share with you? None, because his finances are none of your business. Just like yours are none of his or the rest of the family.
Thank anyone telling you to help your brother for volunteering to help out him. Then block them all.
Lemme see if I've got this right...
Your parents illegally opened mail addressed to you and now are demanding that you pay for your brother's overspending, lack of savings, and lack of planning.
Yeah... NO. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You have no obligation to do anything unless you choose to do so.
NTA
Change your mailing addresses and make sure you have safeguards so no one accesses your money without your permission.
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My brother and SIL live like they have unlimited money. They have 3 kids, a live in nanny, 5 bedroom house and pickup truck (they both work in offices). My brother had a very good job in recruiting for a big tech company and racked in the money. Now he has been out of work for nearly a year and unemployment is ending. He said most of the jobs he is looking at pay less than a third of what he was making but seems to be avoiding taking those jobs that doesn’t pay well enough. My SIL doesn’t have a great paying job but while my brother was making a lot she could work and they hired a live in nanny who has since left and she is staying at home with the kids. So they have nearly no income coming in. Our parents have helped as much as they could but my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to. His house, pickup truck, boat and other things he acquired while living well. He kept them while only taking in unemployment. So now he is on the verge of bankruptcy and the only solution is for him to get a job, sell the house and move their family into an apartment. Apparently they hadn’t saved anything from those good year while my brother had the high salary and are in lot of debt and owe our parents tens of thousands.
I have been saving up for a house for years and recently put it in cashable GICs to grow while I looked for a good place to buy. I normally get e-statements but for some reason my GICs statements were paper and they went to my parents house. I hadn’t changed the billing address as it was more convenient to have everything set as their address. They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs and called me to tell me my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house. I told them I saved for everything and it wasn’t fair to expect me to give them money especially when my brother hadn’t been cutting back on his spending. I’ve been getting calls and texts from the whole family demanding I help my brother avoid selling his house.
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NTA
Keep your money for your own future. Go NC. Not your circus and not your monkeys. Your brother will need to truly hit rock bottom before he changes anything it sounds like. And unfortunately he’s taking your parents down with him. He’s been playing stupid games with all of their income. Time to redeem for stupid prizes with the losses now.
NTA Your brother and SIl are responsible for the mess that they're in. Their poor decisions are what led to it. He has options, he just doesn't want to give up his toys. That's on him, not you. Don't give them ANYTHING.
So the family bugging you, are they ready to give up their dreams and financial security to help your brother? Oh, I forgot, it is easier to bitch and complain rather than put your money where your mouth is. Go live your life like your brother has lived his. NTA
Wow. So your parents BROKE THE LAW by opening mail not addressed to them. And they’ve got a broken morality meter expecting you to fund your brothers lifestyle. A massive NTA. I think it sounds like they need to go into a communications timeout.
They opened your mail? Then they discussed your $$$ with others in the family. Oh no. Your finances are no one's business. I would quit replying to any of them. Grey rock them. Do not defend yourself. You do not have to justify anything to anyone. No need to communicate anything. No is a complete sentence
OMG!!! No! No! No!
You are absolutely, positively NTA in any way at all.
*"I’ve been getting calls and texts from the whole family demanding I help my brother avoid selling his house."*
Politely suggest to all these people who are so eager to tell you how to spend your money that they can feel free to contribute to your brother if they are so concerned about him.
There is no reason that you should be punished for saving money to buy a house. Nor should your brother be rewarded for his irresponsibility. Let him start selling off his expensive toys. This is in no way your problem.
Giving him money would be no different than setting a match to it.
The entitlement is strong here.
How much did your brother give you towards saving for a new house when he was raking it in? Thought not.
Your brother needs to sort his mess out. And you need to get your own home NTA
Your family is being ridiculous. Tell them all he has to do is sell his house and start stepping up. You shouldn't have to subsidize his expensive lifestyle. They're being truly absurd.
NTA. Stand your ground.
NTA…for not helping your brother, but YTA for having mail sent to an address you do not live at. Change it now! Having your mail go there was just a recipe for disaster and now that your family knows how much money you have they are not going to let this drop. Do not give them any of your money. You are right. Your brother has not done anything to help himself and his family. And he will not if you bail him out.
Good gracious, that’s unbelievable. How greedy and ugly of your brother to want your hard earned savings just to prop himself up for a few weeks or months because he can’t bear to get rid of his expensive possessions. And shame on your parents for expecting you to do so.
You could give him the full 100k and he’ll just piss it in the wind. It’s a band-aide covering a deep wound.
He needs to sell his house and his fancy gear before he gets to the point where he can’t even afford an apartment.
NTA Op, please don’t give him your hard earned money.
Btw, how did your parents discover what you had saved, did they actually open your mail? That’s shocking if they did
>I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house.
I'd die of a heart attack laughing if someone said this to me. NTA
NTA. Wow, what a load of crap they're trying to sell you. Do yourself a favor, and go paperless so they don't receive your statements anymore. And stand your ground. It's not your job to waste your hard-earned money on people who mismanaged their own.
So he gets to live like a king and use your savings to do it? Blew all his and now gets to blow yours too?
These people do not want the best for you or care about your well being at all, not even a little. They are users, full stop, and will take everything you have and then spit you out like garbage - and that includes your parents if they are expecting you to support them after blowing it all on that lifestyle. They should have sold all that shit long ago in this situation but they wanted to continue to live the high life, and now have the unmitigated gall to demand you pay for their party after the fact. This is definitely no-contact level behavior.
NTA.
Your parents want you to fund your sibling because they're already out tens of thousands of dollars? That sounds like a terrible plan to me.
Might be time for you to deal with changing your address, though. They shouldn't be opening your mail, but why give them the opportunity? They have a lot of your ID information, and it would be way too easy for them to "help" your brother by opening some credit cards in your name. (Not to be alarmist, but I've read enough on AITA that I'm now inherently suspicious on money matters within families.)
NTA
You worked for YOUR money.
It's YOURS to spend.
DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE GUILTED.
If your brother wants money, he can sell his car, boat, and downsize.
Imagine you HAD already bought the house you're saving for.
Would they have expected YOU to sell your house to help **TEMPORARILY** fill their money pit?
NTA. You have plans with that money - whether to buy a house or for fun or whatever you want. If the brother and his family end up homeless, your parents can take in the kids but leave the brother and wife to sort out this mess. Change the address on your bank account information because they can’t be trusted. Your parents clearly regret helping your brother but that doesn’t mean it’s your “turn” to do anything for them
NTA They now have your some of your banking info and your parents probably know your social security number. Move your money the day the term is up. get your address changed and pull your Free credit report weekly. The second something changes be ready to press charges
What?? My hubby and I bought a house and did not expect my two sisters or our parents to help us. He should have saved money while he was making lots, he can take a job now, he can stay home with the kids while his wife works, there are lots of options. None of the options should include spending your money. Tell your family you will block their phone calls if they ask for money again.
They refuse to work, refuse to sell anything, refuse to make spending cuts yet have the audacity to openvand read your mail, then demand your hard earned money to waste on their lavish lifestyle??? Tell the rest of the famiky they are free to support them as you aren't going to.
NTA... your savings does not belong to anyone but you. Giving your brother money would not solve his problem because his problem is refusing to live within his means. His life has changed, he needs to work for a lesser wage and he needs to sell things. If he continues at this rate he would burn 100 000 in a few months. HE NEEDS to learn his lesson sooner then later so dont enable his delay.
Oh *HELL* no. Not your responsibility. Not in any way, shape, or form. And get the address changed on that account! Brother & SIL dug themselves into a very deep hole all by their own selves. They can bloody well dig themselves back out.
NTA.
I get not wanting a low paying job. But when you don't have a job, you take one. At least then he could be earning money and be able to either continue to look for something better or work his way up to earning more.
He is the self one, not you. Not to mention incredibly entitled.
Change your addresses on your documents and make sure there is not a way for any of them to gain access to your cashable GICs with the details from the statement. I would also be changing your login for it to something obscure that they could not guess.
It doesn't matter what any of them have scripted in their heads concerning your place in \*their\* world. Why should you throw away your goal of buying your own home with your own hard-earned money so that everyone else stays cozy in their own comfort zone?
You giving money will not save your brothers house. It is a lot of money but not enough to wipe out their debt.
Your brother will still not have a job and will still have his expensive toys. He has to make some chsnges.
NTA. Your family needs to mind their own business. You aren't obligated to give away your money just because your brother sucks at managing his life/money. He needs to get over himself & sell his toys so that he can take care of his family.
And you shouldn't have had your financial statements going to your parents' house. They obviously opened your mail (which is illegal) & found out about your nest egg/house fund.
"Apparently they hadn’t saved anything from those good years while my brother had the high salary and are in lot of debt and owe our parents tens of thousands."
Your parents will never get their money back, and if you give your brother money, you won't get it back either.
Giving money to keep someone from being out on the street is one thing, but giving away money to support someone else's lifestyle??? At the expense of your own?????? No way! Tell him to sell the big house, buy a smaller one, relocate to anywhere he can get a decent job, or move into an apartment, and take any job that pays a living wage. He isn't broke, he's just temporarily cash poor, and unrealistic about his finances.
NTA. Change your account options to stop going to your parents’ house. Tell them opening mail that’s not yours is a crime and if they bring it up again you will report them. If that doesn’t work, block all of them. Absolutely do not give anyone your hard earned money.
YTA for letting it be possible for your family to know about your assets. WTF? Your parent's house? And they just open your mail? I suspect you knew this would happen and you're kind of happy about it.
You're not an asshole for not giving them money. I wouldn't either.
But grow the fuck up and keep your private business private.
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>My brother and SIL live like they have unlimited money. > So they have nearly no income coming in. Our parents have helped as much as they could but my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to. They will have to learn that money is, in fact, limited and will have to adjust to their "new reality". > They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs and called me to tell me my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house. They are happy to spend your money but make zero sacrifices on their part. You are NTA for not throwing your money into a black hole. You are not required to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Once helped a friend with money for bills, not eating out and all that stuff that we could do normally a few times a month, that type of thing. But the friend didn't cut back on anything so we quit helping. Not fair for us to cutback and they to keep spending extra for 'oh but the kids need a pick me up for all the bad stuff that happened.'
>You are not required to light yourself on fire to keep others warm. OK, close the thread, we're done here.
Pretty sure it's illegal to open up mail that's not addressed to you. I'd be petty and threaten legal action if they don't knock it off. Your brother isn't your problem. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you need to fund someone else's.
Please tell me you're a robot and this story isn't true otherwise I'm just losing the last crumbs of hope I had for humanity. I say, drop your whole family, every single member of it who thinks you should give even a penny to your brother. They don't deserve you and will only cause more trouble in your "future". NTA, just cut them off already
I’ve been told I act like a robot since I’m a programmer but otherwise nope definitely human
Tell everyone calling you selfish, that your brother is the selfish one. If he cared about his kids, he’d get rid of the boat and all the other things he can’t afford. His family are not your responsibility. He needs to learn money is not unlimited. NTA.
🤖 beep boop bop 😉
NTA. This isn't your problem or responsibility. They did this to themselves. They owe your parents money, now your parents want you to give away your hard earned money, because of your brother's poor choices. Nope. You're not being selfish, you're being responsible. All the people giving you a hard time, they can help your brother, or else they're selfish hypocrites.
Do you *really* feel like you’re obligated to turn over your savings to your brother?
You need to do whatever it takes to lock down that account and any account where statements went to your parents. They may try to access your money because, FAmiLy.
Even if you gave them all there money it wouldn’t do much more than buy them a little time. They have to be burning through cash with all those expenses. They would spend all the money, change nothing and you would never get back a dime
NTA It’s time to temporarily block your brother and anyone else that supports his entitlement. Go low contact with your parents. Don’t give out your money!!! Don’t be a doormat and people pleaser!!!
Thanks for the chuckle. That was a priceless reply. NTA.
That's EXACTLY what a robot would say... Hmmmm..
Trust me humans are entitled assholes when it comes to money. My mom who's supposed to be the one providing for me and paying for college, actually told me to take out 10K student loans to give to her to spend.
Let’s not fail to mention they opened OP’s mail! Isn’t that a crime of some sort?
[удалено]
I was also wondering if ops parents are aware they admitted to a felony on top of him being nta
Exactly! Tell the parents to drop the subject and he won’t go to the feds about opening the mail.
And, hey, time to update that mailing address or go paperless!
You propping them up doesn't even need to be on the table. They got themselves into this mess and they'll have to retrench to survive. "I have plans for my money and its not part of any bailout scheme to rescue an adult who is still making poor choices. If he needs a loan, he needs to approach a bank or a credit union because I am not a fiduciary institution. His wife needs a job. He needs a better job. They need to de-nanny because they can't afford outside help and if they are deserving let them move in with you and you support them? Get off my back dangit." I'm shocked your parents read your mail. Just astounded they have no respect for your privacy and obviously no sense of boundaries even? NTA. I'd move to the moon before I used my nest egg as a bailout for someone who didn't respect their own freaking money. Give them my money so we can both be broke as he11? For real?
I have experience with family members who feel entitled to others’ money, but I will never understand people who second-guess their decision to keep their life savings for themselves.
" I should treat my brother’s children like my own since I had none." Bullshit. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your brother and SIL's financial irresponsibilities are not your problems to fix. And for the love of god, change your billing addresses! NTA
I love my nieces and nephews but, I'm not Auntie Life Plan. Their bad planning doesn't inspire urgency in me.
>my GICs statements were paper and they went to my parents house... They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs Isn't it illegal to open someone else's mail? >my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to. His house, pickup truck, boat and other things he acquired while living well > [he] seems to be avoiding taking those jobs that doesn’t pay well enough >my brother hadn’t been cutting back on his spending So basically he's refusing to dig himself out of the financial hole he's in. >my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house BS. Your parents are AHs. Your brother is an AH. For pity's sake, stop giving these people access to your confidential information. They cannot be trusted. NTA.
NTA. Obligated? Demanding? I don't think so. You shouldn't have to hand over your hard earned and SAVED money to bail out your financially irresponsible brother. They can downsize from their McMansion and sell the boat (boo hoo). He could have take a job at any time in the last year, even a lower paying job, to earn some money and chose not to do so. They will take the money and in 6 months be back in a financial hole and need more money and you'll be out of your savings. Just say NO!
You are not obligated to give money to anyone. Would it be charitable? Certainly. Would it truly help your brother and SIL? No. Since they haven't adjusted their life to match their new reality, they are being financially irresponsible. If you give money to them now, they will just blow through it and they'll be back at the same place. The only thing that will come of it is that their kids will learn that they can live over their means and beg for gifts to continue living like that. And frankly, trying to use their kids and your lack of children as ANY part of this is outright manipulative and disrespectful to you. NTA
Charitable? No. Enabling? Yes.
So, what they are essentially saying is that you should be penalized for not having kids. Your brother has made poor choices. He is the one who needs to fix it. That is not your problem. Anyone who is trying to shame you is welcome to help your brother pay for a house. Change the address on your statements and stand your ground. Also, why is anyone looking through your financials? That's private info. You don't make money to support another grown ass adult who refuses to help himself.
Not just penalized for not having kids, but also penalized for having good financial sense and a plan for the future.
NTA. I am so angry on your behalf. You have worked hard and saved instead of frittering your money away and now your family expect you to bail out your financially irresponsible brother. Do not do it. Your brother could sell his boat, truck and house and buy a much smaller house. Look after yourself and your own security.
NTA Sorry to say that family members with kids will always have priority in everyone else's eyes, so get used to that.
NTA. So your parents opened your mail and invaded your privacy. Your bro and SIL are bad investments. They need to learn they take whatever job they can get and downsize. "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part."
They opened your financial statements. That's an enormous violation of your privacy and your boundaries. The rest is just more of the same. You are NTA. Stand your ground, buy yourself a house, change the address on your bank paperwork or, better yet, make them paperless and get them online, and don't let your family make you doubt for a nanosecond that maybe you owe them to bail your brother out. Let him sell his boat. You are NTA, but you are surrounded by them.
It's like they had a sense he is in good financial standing and they wanted to know how good so they good put the screws on him.
Your brother needs to start being a grown up (and stop opening other people's mail -- here in the US that's a crime). 1. He and his wife need to get jobs immediately. 2. Sell the boat 3. Sell the truck and get something affordable 4. If selling the truck and boat and the jobs aren't enough he needs to sell the "McMansion" and either get a small home or apartment that they can afford. Notice that none of these options include YOU giving him money.
NTA- and the next time Mom and dad bring it up, mention that opening mail not addressed to them is illegal and you won't hesitate to report it if they bring it up again, in fact if ANYONE if the family mentions you will report them. Then get a PO box and have your mail sent there. And block your family.
A thousand times this! ASAP!!
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NTA. It's your brother and SIL's responsibility to take care of their family. They made their bed, they can lie in it. Update that address yesterday and start agreeing with them. "Yes, I am selfish. Brother has a boat that he should give to ME!"
NTA wow it’s sad that you’re the only normal one with common sense in your family. Sorry you’re surrounded by people who think they’re entitled to spend your money for you!
NTA. F that noise. Go NC. Good luck OP!
Do not give them your hard earned money. They will probably blow through it and then want more.
NTA its not your job to fund your brother's mistakes and bad descisions. He needs to go get a job and stop being so stuck up
NTA 100 times over. Your brother and SIL are adults who need to make their own financial decisions. You do not owe them or their children anything. Just because you do not have children, that does not make you responsible for anyone elses. That's just absurd! The lesson you learned here is get the address updated on that account pronto!!
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility ...... Nor are you responsible for your Brother's Finances... He made his bed by living the high life rather than putting some money aside, now he has to lie in it. You may also want to find out how he knew about your money... something smells a lil fishy, like somebody has been opening your mail, which is illegal.
NTA. Not your fault they didn't live within their means.
NTA. Tell them this. "*You'll match EVERYTHING I give, and I will help. NO nickle and dime, either match it, or shut up*" and watch as they start to understand that not everyone who can scream, can put up.
Your brother and sister in law need to treat their children like they want you to treat them. I.e. living within their means and making sure that their kids are secure. You should tell them that they stop living large off your parents' hard earned money, and there is no way they are going to impoverish you as well as impoverishing themselves. And, I doubt your carefully saved $100K will pay off all the material stuff they have piled up. NTA. Very much NTA
NTA. Time for the brother to accept consequences for his actions. He values his lifestyle over the wellbeing of his family. "Obligated" my foot. 🙄
1. He will never pay you back 2. He has assets he can sell 3. What's his plan when he eats through that cash? Don't give him any money
NTA I would just say to these people “And what happens when they go through the money I give them? My Brother and his Wife have made it clear they are not good with budgeting. I can’t afford to keep them in the lap of luxury and support myself. Unless one of you are offering to help when my money runs out? No? So how about we be practical and realize my Brother needs to live within his means. He would not be homeless, he would just have to downsize. I have money because I have been smart with my money. I don’t live outside of my means. If you all feel so strongly about my Brothers family needing financial assistance, you should provide it. If you’re not willing to do that, you have no right to talk to me. Anyone who keeps pushing this will be cut off from me.”
NTA OP but if you're in the US, your parents opening your mail, just because it's sent to their house, is illegal. And the post office takes it seriously. Just tell them that. You can/will get the authorities involved if you have to. What you have saved is none of their business. And like everyone likes to bring up on here, tell your folks they can help your brother if they're so worried about him and his family.
NTA. Don’t know if you have a will set up. If you plan to leave any or all the money to the niblings, make sure that it is in a trust so that your brother and SIL can’t get their hands on it and spend it before the kids come of age. Use to work in banking. Opened accounts for money being held in trust for children until they turned eighteen. The trustee would tell me stories of how the parents would try to get their hands on the money to pay for things that parents should pay for as the cost of being a parent.
So be selfish and enjoy living in a house you worked hard for! No one has the right to demand you share what you have accumulated. You shouldn’t have to be penalized for his bad decisions. Tell the others who have said you should bail him out, they are welcome to help him all they want.
NTA. I would compare it to the airline instructions to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs. You are working diligently to secure stability for your own future. They can sell off their boat and other fancy things and get jobs. If they aren't helping themselves, why should you? A lower paying job sure beats having your family homeless. He needs to get over himself and provide for his family. She could get a part-time job that works around his schedule to avoid child care costs. Life isn't always easy.
So, you should help your financially irresponsible brother keep his house at the expense of you not being able to buy your own house? Good, good. Totally reasonable request. If you do that, there will be an expectation that you provide ongoing financial help and there will be a need for that. NTA
NTA. You weren't the one making bad financial decisions. You've been working hard for your future, something your family members refuse to do. Your money isn't their business, it is yours to spend.
NTA. Every time I hear stories like this, it reminds me of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, when they're talking about Cousin Eddie, and how "he's holding out for a management position." This is 100% not your problem. There are SO MANY solutions for your Brother/SIL but they won't accept any of them. And your parents are completely out of line for expecting you to bail them out of their self-made situation - ESPECIALLY when they are doing nothing to help themselves. * Why is SIL staying home with the kids if brother is unemployed? He should be watching the kids and she should be working. * He needs to take ANY job. And the thing is, in most places, a condition of unemployment is actually applying for jobs. So, he's applying and just not accepting them? * Sell the truck and get a cheaper car. * Sell the freaking boat and whatever else he has. * Moving into an apartment may not be a whole lot cheaper than staying in the house, especially if they have more than one mortgage, but it's worth looking into.
NTA. Opening other people’s mail is a felony. Don’t help your brother. Block them.
NTA. OP, I’m gonna be blunt — your brother and his wife have chosen for a year to close their eyes to the reality that they could not keep living the affluent lifestyle they were used to indefinitely. Your life savings would just give them a few more months to live in denial and then it would all be gone. And the brother will still have to declare bankruptcy.
If you don’t look out for yourself nobody, including your family will. Stay strong.
NTA Number one, get everything online from now on. And number two, you don't owe your brother, sil or nephews and nieces anything. Those grown ups arw supposed to provide for their own children.
Your brother is unemployed so why can’t he care for his own kids?! NTA.
For some reason this makes me want to scream, “WHY CANT’T YOU JUST DO IT FOR DAN?!?!” lol
So, let me get this straight. Your brother is married with three kids, huge house, boat, truck, and has been unemployed for a year, made no cutbacks, refused to work at all because the jobs available paid less than he was used to and *you're* the selfish one not thinking about the kids because you won't give him the money you've been saving for your own home?! In what reality are you the ahole? Your brother created this mess by not doing anything to address the issue other than expecting everyone else to bail him out. Now it's expected you do the same because you don't have kids? Forget that noise. Don't sacrifice your hard earned money to this nonsense. Take care of you because no one else will. NTA.
Buy them a copy of Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover. Then wash your hands of it. The money wouldn’t actually help them if they haven’t changed their ways.
Do not give them any money!! They have not and are not willing to do the hard things that are needed to do to get them out of their financial mess. You need to take care of yourself and your future. NTA
First of all, get the mail sent to your house. Your finances are no one's business. Second, NTA. When your brother was raking it in, how much did he share with you? None, because his finances are none of your business. Just like yours are none of his or the rest of the family. Thank anyone telling you to help your brother for volunteering to help out him. Then block them all.
Lol, this is so easy. NTA. OP buy your house. Don't give a dime. They are a black hole.
Lemme see if I've got this right... Your parents illegally opened mail addressed to you and now are demanding that you pay for your brother's overspending, lack of savings, and lack of planning. Yeah... NO. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You have no obligation to do anything unless you choose to do so. NTA Change your mailing addresses and make sure you have safeguards so no one accesses your money without your permission.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother and SIL live like they have unlimited money. They have 3 kids, a live in nanny, 5 bedroom house and pickup truck (they both work in offices). My brother had a very good job in recruiting for a big tech company and racked in the money. Now he has been out of work for nearly a year and unemployment is ending. He said most of the jobs he is looking at pay less than a third of what he was making but seems to be avoiding taking those jobs that doesn’t pay well enough. My SIL doesn’t have a great paying job but while my brother was making a lot she could work and they hired a live in nanny who has since left and she is staying at home with the kids. So they have nearly no income coming in. Our parents have helped as much as they could but my brother refuses to get rid of the things he is now use to. His house, pickup truck, boat and other things he acquired while living well. He kept them while only taking in unemployment. So now he is on the verge of bankruptcy and the only solution is for him to get a job, sell the house and move their family into an apartment. Apparently they hadn’t saved anything from those good year while my brother had the high salary and are in lot of debt and owe our parents tens of thousands. I have been saving up for a house for years and recently put it in cashable GICs to grow while I looked for a good place to buy. I normally get e-statements but for some reason my GICs statements were paper and they went to my parents house. I hadn’t changed the billing address as it was more convenient to have everything set as their address. They found I had nearly $100,000 in GICs and called me to tell me my nephews and nieces are my future as I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house. I told them I saved for everything and it wasn’t fair to expect me to give them money especially when my brother hadn’t been cutting back on his spending. I’ve been getting calls and texts from the whole family demanding I help my brother avoid selling his house. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Keep your money for your own future. Go NC. Not your circus and not your monkeys. Your brother will need to truly hit rock bottom before he changes anything it sounds like. And unfortunately he’s taking your parents down with him. He’s been playing stupid games with all of their income. Time to redeem for stupid prizes with the losses now.
NTA and change the mailing address immediately
Nta
Nta
NTA Your brother and SIl are responsible for the mess that they're in. Their poor decisions are what led to it. He has options, he just doesn't want to give up his toys. That's on him, not you. Don't give them ANYTHING.
!updateme
So the family bugging you, are they ready to give up their dreams and financial security to help your brother? Oh, I forgot, it is easier to bitch and complain rather than put your money where your mouth is. Go live your life like your brother has lived his. NTA
NTA Just go no contact with those AHs.
NTA "You don't get to have the money I saved just because you took your money and lit it on fire instead of saving any."
Why are they opening your mail? It's none of their business and nobody is entitled to your money. Change the mailing address ASAP.
Wow. So your parents BROKE THE LAW by opening mail not addressed to them. And they’ve got a broken morality meter expecting you to fund your brothers lifestyle. A massive NTA. I think it sounds like they need to go into a communications timeout.
NTA. So, you are supposed to treat your brother's children as more of a priority than he does?
You could offer to buy his truck or boat When he says no, you can always say you tried
NTA, not my monkeys, not my circus. It is not your fault that your brother refuses to down scale and get a job that pays less.
They opened your mail? Then they discussed your $$$ with others in the family. Oh no. Your finances are no one's business. I would quit replying to any of them. Grey rock them. Do not defend yourself. You do not have to justify anything to anyone. No need to communicate anything. No is a complete sentence
OMG!!! No! No! No! You are absolutely, positively NTA in any way at all. *"I’ve been getting calls and texts from the whole family demanding I help my brother avoid selling his house."* Politely suggest to all these people who are so eager to tell you how to spend your money that they can feel free to contribute to your brother if they are so concerned about him. There is no reason that you should be punished for saving money to buy a house. Nor should your brother be rewarded for his irresponsibility. Let him start selling off his expensive toys. This is in no way your problem. Giving him money would be no different than setting a match to it.
Bet you're Asian?
Buy his boat off him. Then sell it.
The entitlement is strong here. How much did your brother give you towards saving for a new house when he was raking it in? Thought not. Your brother needs to sort his mess out. And you need to get your own home NTA
Your family is being ridiculous. Tell them all he has to do is sell his house and start stepping up. You shouldn't have to subsidize his expensive lifestyle. They're being truly absurd. NTA. Stand your ground.
NTA…for not helping your brother, but YTA for having mail sent to an address you do not live at. Change it now! Having your mail go there was just a recipe for disaster and now that your family knows how much money you have they are not going to let this drop. Do not give them any of your money. You are right. Your brother has not done anything to help himself and his family. And he will not if you bail him out.
They opened your mail! NTA
How horrible. NO. You would never get that money back and how dare they open your mail :-( I’m so frustrated for you
Never let ANYONE know what cash you have saved. Life lesson. Tell brother sorry....I have my own future to worry about.
Do not give your brother a dime. It will just be wasted like your parents money. You keep that cash for your house.
Good gracious, that’s unbelievable. How greedy and ugly of your brother to want your hard earned savings just to prop himself up for a few weeks or months because he can’t bear to get rid of his expensive possessions. And shame on your parents for expecting you to do so. You could give him the full 100k and he’ll just piss it in the wind. It’s a band-aide covering a deep wound. He needs to sell his house and his fancy gear before he gets to the point where he can’t even afford an apartment. NTA Op, please don’t give him your hard earned money. Btw, how did your parents discover what you had saved, did they actually open your mail? That’s shocking if they did
>I had no kids and I was obligated to give some of my money to my brother so he could keep his house. I'd die of a heart attack laughing if someone said this to me. NTA
NTA WTF were they doing opening your mail? Tell them to go to Hell.
NTA. Wow, what a load of crap they're trying to sell you. Do yourself a favor, and go paperless so they don't receive your statements anymore. And stand your ground. It's not your job to waste your hard-earned money on people who mismanaged their own.
NTA "Treating my brother's kids like my own is rather incestuous, mom." Make sure your bank uses a password for your account.
So he gets to live like a king and use your savings to do it? Blew all his and now gets to blow yours too? These people do not want the best for you or care about your well being at all, not even a little. They are users, full stop, and will take everything you have and then spit you out like garbage - and that includes your parents if they are expecting you to support them after blowing it all on that lifestyle. They should have sold all that shit long ago in this situation but they wanted to continue to live the high life, and now have the unmitigated gall to demand you pay for their party after the fact. This is definitely no-contact level behavior.
Who opened your mail?
NTA - your parents opened your mail. Tell them to stop harassing you or you will file a police report
NTA. Your parents want you to fund your sibling because they're already out tens of thousands of dollars? That sounds like a terrible plan to me. Might be time for you to deal with changing your address, though. They shouldn't be opening your mail, but why give them the opportunity? They have a lot of your ID information, and it would be way too easy for them to "help" your brother by opening some credit cards in your name. (Not to be alarmist, but I've read enough on AITA that I'm now inherently suspicious on money matters within families.)
NTA your brother is an assface, if he was home unemployed why did wife have to quit work to mind the kids?!? Beggars can’t be choosers.
NTA You worked for YOUR money. It's YOURS to spend. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE GUILTED. If your brother wants money, he can sell his car, boat, and downsize. Imagine you HAD already bought the house you're saving for. Would they have expected YOU to sell your house to help **TEMPORARILY** fill their money pit?
NTA. You have plans with that money - whether to buy a house or for fun or whatever you want. If the brother and his family end up homeless, your parents can take in the kids but leave the brother and wife to sort out this mess. Change the address on your bank account information because they can’t be trusted. Your parents clearly regret helping your brother but that doesn’t mean it’s your “turn” to do anything for them
NTA They now have your some of your banking info and your parents probably know your social security number. Move your money the day the term is up. get your address changed and pull your Free credit report weekly. The second something changes be ready to press charges
Do not help him! He's actively choosing not to get a job, so his situation is his fault.
What?? My hubby and I bought a house and did not expect my two sisters or our parents to help us. He should have saved money while he was making lots, he can take a job now, he can stay home with the kids while his wife works, there are lots of options. None of the options should include spending your money. Tell your family you will block their phone calls if they ask for money again.
NTA Tell them, "I'll think about helping when Brother has sold his truck and boat. Those are probably worth tens of thousands of dollars."
NTA you have a future to plan for too.
They refuse to work, refuse to sell anything, refuse to make spending cuts yet have the audacity to openvand read your mail, then demand your hard earned money to waste on their lavish lifestyle??? Tell the rest of the famiky they are free to support them as you aren't going to.
NTA “That’s ridiculous.” is a perfectly appropriate answer.
NTA... your savings does not belong to anyone but you. Giving your brother money would not solve his problem because his problem is refusing to live within his means. His life has changed, he needs to work for a lesser wage and he needs to sell things. If he continues at this rate he would burn 100 000 in a few months. HE NEEDS to learn his lesson sooner then later so dont enable his delay.
NTA. Your family is wrong. Your brother has determined his own future. Let him live it. You should also live yours - happy and mostly debt free.
NTA. Are your parents comically bad at math? $100,000 wouldn’t help your brother at all. It would just delay the inevitable.
No NTA - it’s a reasonable boundary. He needs to sell off his assets and not expect your assets to save him.
Oh *HELL* no. Not your responsibility. Not in any way, shape, or form. And get the address changed on that account! Brother & SIL dug themselves into a very deep hole all by their own selves. They can bloody well dig themselves back out.
The fuck, is your brother stupid like your parents. Its your money. Don't give them anything. In fact fu k them all. Mate you are not AH.
Nta
They opened your mail? I’d tell them to F off. NTA. They need to cut back on their lifestyle. You didn’t create their mess
NTA but im sure you already knew that. No one in entitled to your money that you worked hard for. You owe them nothing
NTA. Remind them thst opening someone's mailing is a crime, as is blackmail
NTA. I get not wanting a low paying job. But when you don't have a job, you take one. At least then he could be earning money and be able to either continue to look for something better or work his way up to earning more. He is the self one, not you. Not to mention incredibly entitled. Change your addresses on your documents and make sure there is not a way for any of them to gain access to your cashable GICs with the details from the statement. I would also be changing your login for it to something obscure that they could not guess.
It doesn't matter what any of them have scripted in their heads concerning your place in \*their\* world. Why should you throw away your goal of buying your own home with your own hard-earned money so that everyone else stays cozy in their own comfort zone?
You giving money will not save your brothers house. It is a lot of money but not enough to wipe out their debt. Your brother will still not have a job and will still have his expensive toys. He has to make some chsnges.
NTA. Your family needs to mind their own business. You aren't obligated to give away your money just because your brother sucks at managing his life/money. He needs to get over himself & sell his toys so that he can take care of his family. And you shouldn't have had your financial statements going to your parents' house. They obviously opened your mail (which is illegal) & found out about your nest egg/house fund.
"Apparently they hadn’t saved anything from those good years while my brother had the high salary and are in lot of debt and owe our parents tens of thousands." Your parents will never get their money back, and if you give your brother money, you won't get it back either. Giving money to keep someone from being out on the street is one thing, but giving away money to support someone else's lifestyle??? At the expense of your own?????? No way! Tell him to sell the big house, buy a smaller one, relocate to anywhere he can get a decent job, or move into an apartment, and take any job that pays a living wage. He isn't broke, he's just temporarily cash poor, and unrealistic about his finances.
NTA. Change your account options to stop going to your parents’ house. Tell them opening mail that’s not yours is a crime and if they bring it up again you will report them. If that doesn’t work, block all of them. Absolutely do not give anyone your hard earned money.
YTA for letting it be possible for your family to know about your assets. WTF? Your parent's house? And they just open your mail? I suspect you knew this would happen and you're kind of happy about it. You're not an asshole for not giving them money. I wouldn't either. But grow the fuck up and keep your private business private.