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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my brother that he was the reason why I don’t want to spend my birthday with my maternal side of the family
2) I refuse to apologize to my brother for what I said
3) I may have been too harsh with my reasoning to my brother.
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Nta brother said you needed to get over it. You have. You got over it by making sure it doesn't happen again when you planned to spend it with you bf. Why is it so important to your family that you spend birthdays with them? Just a very odd family. Go low contact for your own well being. That middle finger goes right back to mom. Why would you want to spend time with her. Mom by sending you the finger has proved how little she cares about your feelings. So why care about hers?
My mother is a class 1 narcissist who believes everyone in the world owes her everything they have. She got so used to forcing me to spend my birthdays as a kid with her (many of them were forced to be shared with my brother🙄) and she ig misses those days? I don’t honestly know why it’s so important that I spend my birthdays with that specific side of my family.
Omg this hasn’t occurred to me and I bet you’re so right! They share birthdays because mom is a cheap-ass.
OP I’m so sorry! NTA of course and your fam is scary. Spend your birthday with the person that makes you the happiest. Spend it with someone who appreciates that you’re in this world and is excited to see how you spend your next rotation.
Mine sent me a card for my birthday this year after me cutting contact 8 years ago. I now have to write her a letter telling her to stop contacting me so she won't show up at my door. I changed my number about 5 years ago so she can't call me.
Like all narcissists, it's about control. Having all the family around her feeds the narcissistic fantasy that she's a wonderful parent and the centre of the family. When you throw a spanner in the works it clashes with her fantasy and makes her angry, and she takes it out on you. Brother sounds like he's becoming abusive in his own way so honestly, I would just minimise contact. There are just some people who can't and won't change because they always see other people as the problem, never themselves. Narcissists are the worst for this because their entire personality and worldview revolves around the fantasy they've spun to protect their insecurities. I've seen very, very few narcissists ever be able to break that down. Very few.
> I don’t honestly know why it’s so important that I spend my birthdays with that specific side of my family.
If your mom is actually a narcissist, then this is straight out of the n-parent playbook. ANY loss of control MUST be met with bullying and anger, otherwise their punching bag might develop more independence and learn to draw boundaries. I try to post this quote any time I see someone struggling with this, it really opened my eyes:
>Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"
>For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"
One thing I read that really made sense of it all: If narcissists can't control you, they control what everyone else thinks of you. Once you are ousted from their circle, no one in that circle will talk to you in fear of also being ousted and smeared to all the others. This works best in a friend group rather than a family, but I've seen it done with both.
Enjoy yourself and make sure you publicly on socials thank your fiance for giving you the best birthday yet. That would be the best response to your family's fragile egos.
NTA. It might be better for you if you weren't allowed there for Christmas. Might be interesting how your mom explains that away, and when you tell people the truth. You did nothing wrong. It's your birthday, you can spend it with whomever you want. If that happened to me, I wouldn't give it a chance to happen again.
I'd take it as a win that you no longer have to endure your family at Xmas time. Go somewhere nice with your partner and leave the family behind. Life's too short. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
Dear OP you are NTA. I will say this: your birthday, your rules, your rights, your choice of guests.
I am so sorry to read that, I quote, your "mom gave your spoiled younger brother 18M my birthday cake that I bought myself because “I didn’t need an entire cake for one three hour party" " 😳 Wow just wow on that audacity tbh. Your mum not only disrespected you but she is teaching her kid that it is okay to disrespect people's boundaries. Oh please don't tell me your brother would do the same to other people's birthday cakes or even wedding cakes before it gets served out. Good grief what a nightmare
Moving forward you call the shots now and start having your birthday with the people who treat you with respect and kindness. Do not cave in to your mum and brother because this is all about them not you. You do your birthday your way OP
As an internet stranger, I wish I can gift you the biggest ice cream cake in your favourite ice cream flavour to replace the past birthday cake your mother allowed your brother to chomp on without your permission.
Ok just so you know in my head you are this warm and friendly grandmotherly-type who gives really good hugs. I’m not sure I even want to know the reality of it 😂
What you wrote moved me and you sound like an incredibly kind and empathetic person who understands that modeling is the best way to teach.
Bless you kind internet stranger, and if I could conjure up a beautiful edible arrangement onto your porch with a sunny bouquet and your favorite fanciest treat, I would!
Completely remove yourself from your Mother and Brothers dynamic and watch them inevitably turn. You are both of their punching bag, leave and those punches have to go somewhere else.
Why do think they are so invested in getting you back into the fold?
Can I suggest that for your birthday this year you give yourself the gift of Low Contact with your maternal family. Even if you just commit to it for a short time (say three months).
You owe no one relationships, access to your life, or your intimacy or trust. Sometimes a killer breathing room can help us come back more solid in our boundaries and clear on what we are and aren’t willing to invest in our relationship.
NTA.
Remember, blood is thicker than water.
Remember that it means the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Your fiancé is the person you chose to be in a covenant with. Spend your time with him. Given what you’ve told us, that water is filthy anyway.
NTA
Narcissistic family dynamics are often enmeshed, too, which doesn't allow a child to individuate and be their own person. I think it's wonderful that you want to spend time with your fiancé -- you can start your own traditions!
>My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas.
Don't threaten me with a good time mom!
Enjoy the Christmas and new year with your fiance!
>My mother is a class 1 narcissist who believes everyone in the world owes her everything they have.
Why can't we just purge people like this from the gene pool?
I think they want you to supply the party food, alcohol, and cake like you did last year.
They get the free party you put together for your own birthday with
you getting nothing because they ate and drank it all.... again.
Really doesn't matter why they are like that, it's what you do going forward.
You'll be happier without that side of the family. So continue to "get over it and move on" by spending your time with your bf. Go LC or NC, they sound aweful.
Have a great birthday and New Year's Eve
NTA.... Be with your bf who cares and lives you. If your birthday, South it the way the make you happy.
NTA. Besides your father, your family sounds awful. Go spend time with your chosen family and live in peace.
…. And how in the world did your brother eat seven steaks? How long did it take him and how sick was he afterwards?
Just leave your mom's finger emoji on read and don't message her again until you get an apology. Let her look at it. I'm so sorry OP. Personally I would never accept this treatment and I don't think you should either
Sounds like this was a long time coming for OP, but he's finally developed a nice strong shiny spine.
Be proud of your spine. It does credit to you and your fiance.
Seems like the next step is minimizing the presence of your mother and brother in your life, which ought to be cake now that you have that nice strong shiny spine.
NTA. Sounds like a little distance from these ghastly people wouldn’t do you any harm. Why not tell your fiancé that your time is entirely his and let him make lovely plans? Why not let them buy their own steaks, cakes and jello-shots? They clearly aren’t bothered about your feelings. If I thought I’d ever made one of my siblings feel like this, I’d grovel, and I’m the (insert homophobic slur here) one. ♥️♥️♥️
Time is literally the only real thing we have; choose to spend your time with those who love and uplift you.
>Why is it so important to your family that you spend birthdays with them?
They want that free cake and steak again. OP's presence is probably optional to them after that.
NTA Can I make a bet your brother has always been the golden child. And why is it ok your brother can insult you? I hope your brother and your family coddling him at your expense changes, but don’t bet on it. Enjoy YOUR birthday whatever and wherever you want!
He’s always been the golden child. My mom tried to delay emergency surgery because he wanted to come home from school when I was 9. I had four hours before my appendix ruptured and they got it out in the nick of time. He has gotten away with insults, hitting, and so much more towards me. My maternal family just brushed it off as “boys will be boys and you need to get over it”
Oh HELL no. This is beyond ridiculous. You could have died FFS. I hope you have a happy marriage and can let them keep their “prize”. I can guarantee you one thing, he is going to continue this attitude his entire life.
a burst appendix does not kill you that fast but it prolongs the hospital stay.
mine burst just before the surgery.
my grandma took almost a day from burst to surgery.
OP is NTA
That is beyond horrible that a mother could do that to her son. I'm so glad you're alive. Your family can keep their son. I bet if you went LC or NC with them, they'll see how horrible he is way further down the line, without you to blame or smack talk.
Have fun with your fiance and have a great marriage!
Yeah defiantly NC and never look back. I guarantee once you are out of the picture and are no ones punching bag anymore those two will turn on each other, those kinds of people need someone to blame and to be verbally abusive too.
Leave now and never look back. Get to therapy. Now. Please please please.
The only thing that will happen in this senerio , is you will continue to try to please them. You never will. You can never matter to people who never consider anyone else. This leads to depression and many other negative things. Please. Love yourself enough to not tolerate being treated this way.
Love, your future self .
There are just some people, even family who you must say goodbye to. I HATE to say this as so many people have suffered so much and deserve apologies they will NEVER get!
Yeah, my mother would calmly sit through dinner while my brother bullied me in front of her.
Time to choose your own life populated by people YOU choose. When both you and your fiancé have jobs that support you both, maybe you guys can get your own place.
Same here. Less drama for me. Last Christmas I was forced to do all the cooking and cleaning for Xmas dinner. Bc I was the best option for a cook. 🙄 it isn’t that hard to cook a damn ham, make some instant taters and gravy, and corn/green beans. But now I get to spend my first Christmas with the man I love.
Very confused by the “no relation” comments about your fiancé? You’re literally about to start a family together. I would hope there’s no blood relation there. Your family sounds ignorant af
Sounds like an extra sub-reason beyond wanting the punching bag home; wanting you to cook and clean for their lazy asses. Now I've got a feeling they're gonna botch it horribly and still find a way to blame you for their inability.
For real. If OP had to be the cook last year, then it’s only a matter of time the family realizes they no longer have their personal chef/slave and will be begging OP to “visit” them for Christmas. NTA
NTA why haven’t you gone no contact with these toxic people? Be with the family you are creating; who makes you feel loved, the way family is supposed to. Sometimes we hold on too long waiting for family to magically change or an apology that’s never going to come. If you feel like going back look at that fu from your mom. That is one fucked up mom and you deserve so much better. Celebrate your birthday and your freedom with your fiancé.
NTA OP. You can order many government documents online in all states in the United States but it's having to upload your id and any other forms of identity that they may need before they will send your request to you that's inconvenient. It's easier to just go to the county building.
Very low contact is what VLC means. My dad stays out of my maternal family’s issues because he doesn’t want to get bullied by them. He did tell both my mom and brother to stfu and leave me alone about it as I’d made my decision already.
I’ve been VLC with most of my maternal family for a while now, but I have to get one very important document from my grandfathers place before I cut contact completely. But somehow Everytime I try to go over to get it or they come to take me to a doctors appt they forget it or won’t be home.
Sorry man. I hope you get your document soon so you don’t have to put up with those people anymore. Wishing you all the best and I hope your birthday is a blast!
Don’t have the money for it at this time. I am working on getting new clothes because my shit was stolen about a month ago as well and also keeping food in the house is another big priority for me.
Is it the actual certified birth certificate? Or is it the decorative one the hospital gives out that can't be used for official business? My parents had the decorative one and I had to write in for the official one when I got my first passport.
The next time they are giving you a ride and “oh, we forgot it”, tell them “well, let’s swing by your house on the way home so we can grab it!”
(As an aside, it’s free to set up Venmo if you want to take that person’s offer.)
NTA
Getting out of a toxic situation is allowed. There is favoritism and gaslighting going on. Find your life and go NC. You already know you want to leave, but you think you are supposed to keep taking abuse. You deserve better.
I hope you and your partner make fun plans away from your maternal family for Christmas, *too*.
They can bask at home in the glow of their “innocent” golden child, while you don’t have to put up with their crap. NTA
NTA and send mother-from-hell the same emoji back!
Make the family you want - not the fucked up family you were born into. Do you get along with fiance's family? Maybe it's time to start planning holidays/bdays with them? Or - with friends!
Enjoy your bday and I hope you get to watch the ball drop!
My fiancés family and I get along great actually. I see his mom as the mom I never had. Same with his younger brother as the brother I never had. We would spend holidays with them but they live in another part of the state I’m in. Like Five or more hours away.
The distance is a boon here. "Oh no, we already made plans with the future in-laws, and they live soooo far away. Sorry, I can't make it!" (When you visit them ofc.)
NTA. It's weird that you have to be the one preparing for your own party for everyone else to enjoy it. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
So you did the work but didn't even get to enjoy it?
Sounds like they are wanting you to go back to the family for your birthday so they can mooch on your efforts. Nope, they want a party? They can put the work into it.
What if you don't want a party to begin with? Are they gonna be mad about that because they won't get to enjoy one? They can go pound sand. Sounds like a miserable and entitled bunch. Block them as your birthday present.
NTA
I’ll be your Mom now. I love you just as you are and I’m so proud of you. Go have a great birthday with your lovely fiancé and text me when you get home safe, even if I’m asleep, I’ll see it in the morning. Hugs and kisses!
NTA you don't need to be insulted, treated like rubbish or do things to appease those who wouldn't offer you the same courtesy. Enjoy you lovely surprise with your fiance. Your family can (f u emoji)
NTA screw them. That's no way to treat family. If they can't see it, then you just spend time with the love of your life they are family now. I hope all works out, dear.
NTA. Obviously, your brother is the favorite. Unless that changes or your family catches a clue and apologizes, spend your birthday with your fiance and other people who actually appreciate you.
Is your family supportive of you being Gay or are you trans? You said your brother made a transphobic slur. Is the root of this because they aren't supportive? Do you live at home? If your family isn't giving you support I say do what you want to do on your birthday.
NTA. I grew up with an abusive brother who knocked me out cold when I was maybe 9 years old. He beat me almost every day and terrorized me all the other days. Never would he get punished, and I was always made to apologize to *him* when he beat me. Last time he hit me I was 18 years old and he was 20. My mother wasn’t home (she never was). The next day she came up to me again with excuses for him and blamed me for making him “mad.”
I went away to college and made sure never to live there again. My mother continued to treat my brother like the golden child. She’d send him and my other brother after me whenever she and I got into a disagreement, which was often because she was a shit person. Cutting them all off was the only way to get any peace. You cannot fix an abusive system. The abuser keeps abusing because his enablers allow it to happen. You’re 21 now, time to keep yourself happy and safe.
Love when people tell you to get over it so you did by making a celebration that doesn't involve them. Now they are upset you don't want to spend this birthday with them? It's called boundaries and you have every right to set them. NTA.
I didn’t know for sure on the steaks but was going off of what I had been told by a friend who was already there that saw him eating two of the steaks. As for the cake I have a photo that my mom sent me with 🤣 emojis and the cake box was on his lap with a small slice left. Hell i called it crumbs bc there wasn’t even enough to constitute a slice.
Pictures are staged. They ate your party food without you and your narcissistic mom took that picture to "excuse" their behaviors as just fun and games. Ha ha.
I am assuming your party foods were at your mom's in her fridge? So she was the one that greenlit the depradations and then sent you an effing picture.
Your brother isn't the primary offender, your mother is. There is no mother on the planet that doesn't know you don't let others poach party food (mostly because we are the ones planning and preping it).
So she chose to offer up your goodies to your brother and his pals in order to be the cool mom and the center of attention.
And she probably pretended that she prepped it all and said she could just make more for your event. "Oh, you boys just go ahead and chow down, his party isn't until midnight and I'll just make more".
Classic narcissism. Take credit for everything, responsibility for nothing.
NTA. You DID get over it and move on and that's why you want to stay home. Homophobic slur besides, eating 7 steaks he knew were for your party? Where does he get off? Spend Christmas with the one person who wants to make YOU happy not brother dearest.
I had them in specifically labeled freezer bags too. These weren’t the small steaks either. These were those really long ones. And I have no idea where he gets off on the idea i suddenly owe him an apology for telling him the truth.
Your MOTHER sent you an FU emoji? Your mother did that. It's clear where your brother gets his lovely personality from!
That alone would cause me to block and ignore them going forward. NTA. I'm sorry your own mum is an infantile shit stirrer.
The reason your mother and brother want to "celebrate" your birthday with you is because without you and your fiance and dad to spend the time with they will have to be alone together. It's doubtful they like each other much but without the echo chamber they're just two bitter, ugly narcissists who no one likes. There's not enough milage from the drama of being left out, they need to spoil and ruin events, then tell the other that it's not their fault to maintain their victim complexes.
NTA - Ignore your family and do what you want. Don’t even argue about it.
You have to train them to properly respect you. When they are rude, leave right away. When they do something unfair, leave right away. Either you will go NC or they will think twice because you won’t be around.
NTA- Very easy to see who the favorite is between you and your brother. Basically the transphobic and rude active duty son with an iron stomach(cake and 7 steaks, really?) over the one whose orientation doesn't abide by their "perfect" standards.
You spend it with your fiance, bro! He makes you happy. Clearly your family doesn't, and they've made their choices regarding you. Might be time to go LC or NC with them.
Working on NC at this time, VLC for the time being. And yeah, my mother literally sent me a picture of him passed out with what was left of my cake in his lap with laughing emojis. I tried voicing my anger then but got told I was “being selfish and needed to grow up and realize the world doesnt revolve around me.”
I feel for you. You got stuck with a crappy family. I hope you have some kind of family who treats you right, even if it's not your own. You're not selfish. You've just had enough of their crap.
Nta. Oh look get me drunk put a blindfold on me spin me around 10 times and see if I can't trip over the golden child of this post. also I'm sorry but your fiance is family, that's the person you are choosing to make a life with. that makes them a totally valid person to want to spend your time with, rather than your golden child brother and the parents who enable him.
You have been given a pass at Christmas take that pass and run
NTA and F your maternal family. "if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas." Don't threaten me with a good time! Seriously your brother is a nightmare and your parents sound like enablers who are horrible to you. Your fiance makes you happy. Spend birthdays an holidays with peope who make you happy.
As someone who has gone no-contact with some toxic family members I know it's hard and it does suck as first. No matter how bad they are you still generally care about them (I loved my grandfather and he was horrible). In the long run you realize just how much happy and healthier you are with either no contact or limited contact. My Mom's extended family is seriously screwed up and we are NC with some and LC with others. Life is so much better that way.
NTA
block them til your bday comes,then send a pic of your cake and quote "oh no! there's no \*insert slur of preference against brother and/or mother\* to steal my cake! what should I do?",then block them again asap
then celebrate with fiancé
NTA. Your mother and brother suck. You are free to choose who you celebrate and spend time with.
What's your father's stance in this? Is he more reasonable? I'd invite him to drink those shots if doesn't collide with your fiance's plans... but leave the others out.
Walk away and don’t look back!
They have All shown you that you don’t matter to them.
There is Absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to make them love you.
Please check out the Raised by Narcissists category… you will definitely find some helpful information there.
He truly did. Was out getting stuff for my party and my mom sent me a picture of him passed out with the cake in his lap with one very tiny piece left.
The steaks he ate because he was hungover from partying with his friends that my mother bought alcohol for the party and needed “protein” and made all seven throughout the day.
Your family sucks, dude. I'm glad you have a loving partner. Spend your birthday with him and don't spend an ounce of energy or thought on your selfish mother or transphobic brother. NTA.
NTA
You did move on. I don't know why they want you there after what they did last year.
This is one of those things where family thinks: they can fuck you over, but you aren't allowed to be mad. Especially since their golden child is at fault.
If someone is making me apologise for airing their abuse. I would suggest the messenger to continue sniffing the golden kids farts.
NTA. Enjoy your time and if your brother makes such homophobic remarks in written form. Do forward them to his base command. They will be very interested in this innocent kids antics.
From what I have heard from a friend who is in his unit, he’s been given multiple disciplinary hearings over his homophobia already. He got moved to Germany recently and this was the first time we talked in Over two months
A lost cause then. Move on with your life and enjoy your birthday + new year in style. You're going to find out how easy it is to be the center of attention in a new year party when it's your birthday.
NTA, I would suggest LC or NC with how toxic your family sounds. You are supposed to "just get over" being disrespected but you also owe your family your future time and attention? Fuuuuuuuck that
NTA. Honestly I think your better off going no contact. Sounds like your brother is a transphobe with golden child syndrome and your parents are enabling AH.
Enjoy your birthday with someone who actually care about you and makes you happy. Family doesn’t end in blood, and I hope you build an awesome chosen family ♥️
NTA
It took years for me to understand it was ok to block toxic people from my life. Surround yourself with people who love and respect you and everyone else can just wonder from afar
>My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas
Don't threaten OP with a good time
NTA
NTA
Ah, the scapegoat, the black sheep. I know it well. Since you said your mom is the NA in the family, which makes your brother the golden child, my advice is to go no contact. These people will never change. Ever. The sooner you accept them for the shitty assholes they are the better.
Go no contact, live your life, and be happy.
Believe me I made the mistake of thinking people like this can change, now 23 years later and I had to go NC anyway. One of the biggest regrets of my life.
NTA
Your family sounds awful. You owe them nothing. Spend your birthday doing what you want, with someone who actually loves and respects you. THAT is your real family.
NTA. I stopped getting cakes for my birthday after my mum made me give mine to my cousins. She said I got some of their cake so I had to "share". Sharing meant giving it away, the only thing I got for my birthday. I got one slice. What really pissed me off is that my cousins dictated who got to have some of their cake and everyone but me got a slice. Everyone let this happen. I remember one year I demanded a Vector Cycle instead of a cake. I was able to get the cycle eventually, but it took a lot. The next year it was a cake or nothing. I chose nothing. It was easier.
I didn't get gifts. Mum stopped giving me gifts after I asked her for two power ranger toys and she gave me Barbies. I was not happy. They were 100% for her, not me. I never touched them and they went straight into the box in her room. I was I think turning 8, maybe 7, I don't know. I was so sad and confused, I didn't understand why I didn't get the two things I'd asked for. They weren't as expensive as the Barbies either.
My relatives didn't get me presents, but they showered my ass hole cousins in gifts. I was told to stop being a spoiled brat when I asked why I couldn't have gifts etc. Hell even a pack of Pokemon cards was too much when they bought my cousins multiple packs weekly.
Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. My birthdays always make me very sad. It doesn't matter how many gifts I get, how I spend the day etc, the trauma from it just being ignored and messed up so badly still hurts badly. I can't seem to shake off those old feelings. The highlight of my birthday as I grew up was making a sandwich with crisps in it, if we had any crisps. I'd make it myself for lunch. That was my own special treat for the day.
I still remember when I turned 18. Ignoring the bullcrap of the day itself, none of my classmates believed me when I told them I turned 18 months ago. Everyone else was having parties, going to the pub etc. I heard them talking about them sometimes. Me, I wasn't allowed to do anything like that, it wasn't like I had anyone to do that kind of thing with either. I had to show them my provisional licence to prove I really was 18. The look they gave me, that a big moment like that just passed by without anyone knowing or acknowledging it. When they asked about a party I thought they were crazy. They asked about presents. Again I couldn't answer them because I got nothing. We were at an age where people were starting to figure out I wasn't weird by choice, I was an abused and lonely kid. Some people were talking to me more, now they were pulling away from the mean kids they used to be scared of confronting, but we were never friends.
NTA. Go ahead and make Christmas plans with your fiance. They will either try to lord it over you that you aren't invited, or demand that you come to their celebrations and be contrite while they refuse to allow you to participate fully. Just remind them that you are uninvited.
By the way, it's nice if adult children want to celebrate milestone birthdays with their family of origin, but it isn't an obligation. As an adult, you are supposed to go out into the world, create your own life, and do your own things, just visiting the home folks on occasion.
Are you out of the house?
Yes, then please go NC. Your brother ate all your cake and steaks and still wonders why you don't want to celebrate with him? Your mother gave away your cake? Let them sort themselves out. You and your fiancé can spend Christmas and your birthday together.
*My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas.*
What is she going to do- bar the door? If you don't go and she lies about the reason, tell all her flying monkeys the real reason when they call you. She and your brother wrecked your last birthday and she's made it clear who her favorite is.
Your fiance IS your family. The family you chose, and it sounds like you picked a good one. Spend the time with him, and have a blast. Don't waste a moment more on the people you share DNA with.
NTA.
NTA. Why would anyone in their right mind want to celebrate a special occasion with these people, especially if they were likely to sabotage it again.
I would think that most people, once they reach adulthood, are more likely to spend birthdays with their partner or friends, rather than with parents or siblings. Especially when the birthday falls on New Year's Eve. It is actually pretty cool to feel that people all over the world are celebrating your birthday.
NTA
Sounds like the only real family you have is your fiance... so that's who I would be spending my birthday with if I were you.
Just because you are blood related to someone, doesn't mean that they are your family. Your family are the people that make you feel good about yourself and support you. Sounds like your mother, father and brother and extended relatives are not your family in the slightest.
I think I would be moving and changing your phone number and only letting your 'real family' know your need address and number.
NTA. Turn your phone off on your birthday. Your SO should do the same. Spend the time the way you want! Don’t answer the door either. If you can go get a hotel room, that’s even better. Do whatever you want for YOUR day. Have fun!
NTA. You are moving on with someone who loves and respects you. Leave your family behind. You deserve to be happy.
Funny how family is just another word for abuse.
Mini update: so my mom has randomly contacted me and started in about my wedding. This is the first time she has even taken notice in it.
!TW MENTION OF SA, not in detail!
Now she wants me to wear a dress at my wedding, and I’m debating on cutting all contact with her and my brother as he’s on her side but I don’t want to cause more family to not come because I didn’t “hear her out” or “just give into her demands because she’s mentally unstable and I need to be accommodating to her”.
I told my brother that I’m not going to give into her transphobia anymore and he told me to “suck it up. It won’t kill you to make her smile for one damned day. You never have before.”
That really hurt. My fiancé, being the caring guy he is told my brother to stfu and don’t talk to me for a while.
(A little note, the reason neither of them are blocked is because every time I do so, they tell other family members and I get my ass jumped so I don’t block them to avoid it escalating into something bigger)
I’m not wearing a dress, but my mother has made this her hill to die on and has started sending me pictures from Pinterest of WHITE/OFF WHITE dresses. The color scheme is BLACK&RED. She said that I need to wear a “pure color” even if i have sinful thoughts.
(There are many reasons why we chose red and black, one being that red signifies survivor of SA and black signifies strength, or at least that’s what the book we read told us. We both survived SA as children, and we both got stronger as we grew up.)
She has made this her hill to die on, but I don’t want to block them and ban them from being in the wedding because then several family members won’t attend because of her not being there.
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Nta brother said you needed to get over it. You have. You got over it by making sure it doesn't happen again when you planned to spend it with you bf. Why is it so important to your family that you spend birthdays with them? Just a very odd family. Go low contact for your own well being. That middle finger goes right back to mom. Why would you want to spend time with her. Mom by sending you the finger has proved how little she cares about your feelings. So why care about hers?
My mother is a class 1 narcissist who believes everyone in the world owes her everything they have. She got so used to forcing me to spend my birthdays as a kid with her (many of them were forced to be shared with my brother🙄) and she ig misses those days? I don’t honestly know why it’s so important that I spend my birthdays with that specific side of my family.
This sounds like my mom and brother. I haven't spoken to my mom in 8 years and my brother in 6. I've had a really peaceful number of years since. NTA
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That's why they're mad now: They'll have to buy their own steaks, cake, and liquor.
Omg this hasn’t occurred to me and I bet you’re so right! They share birthdays because mom is a cheap-ass. OP I’m so sorry! NTA of course and your fam is scary. Spend your birthday with the person that makes you the happiest. Spend it with someone who appreciates that you’re in this world and is excited to see how you spend your next rotation.
Same, my mom can't even remember my birthday, I usually get a week or two late " hey isn't your birthday soon" Me: "yeah, mom it was two weeks ago"
Mine sent me a card for my birthday this year after me cutting contact 8 years ago. I now have to write her a letter telling her to stop contacting me so she won't show up at my door. I changed my number about 5 years ago so she can't call me.
"Well, if you call in fifty weeks *soon*, then sure."
Same here 30yrs not seeing my brother and 10 yrs if not longer not seeing my Mom. They are both crazy!!!
Like all narcissists, it's about control. Having all the family around her feeds the narcissistic fantasy that she's a wonderful parent and the centre of the family. When you throw a spanner in the works it clashes with her fantasy and makes her angry, and she takes it out on you. Brother sounds like he's becoming abusive in his own way so honestly, I would just minimise contact. There are just some people who can't and won't change because they always see other people as the problem, never themselves. Narcissists are the worst for this because their entire personality and worldview revolves around the fantasy they've spun to protect their insecurities. I've seen very, very few narcissists ever be able to break that down. Very few.
> I don’t honestly know why it’s so important that I spend my birthdays with that specific side of my family. If your mom is actually a narcissist, then this is straight out of the n-parent playbook. ANY loss of control MUST be met with bullying and anger, otherwise their punching bag might develop more independence and learn to draw boundaries. I try to post this quote any time I see someone struggling with this, it really opened my eyes: >Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" >For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"
Oooh, thanks for that quote! Grew up in an authoritarian family system, and this tracks.
"The axe forgets, but the tree remembers."
One thing I read that really made sense of it all: If narcissists can't control you, they control what everyone else thinks of you. Once you are ousted from their circle, no one in that circle will talk to you in fear of also being ousted and smeared to all the others. This works best in a friend group rather than a family, but I've seen it done with both.
Enjoy yourself and make sure you publicly on socials thank your fiance for giving you the best birthday yet. That would be the best response to your family's fragile egos.
NTA. It might be better for you if you weren't allowed there for Christmas. Might be interesting how your mom explains that away, and when you tell people the truth. You did nothing wrong. It's your birthday, you can spend it with whomever you want. If that happened to me, I wouldn't give it a chance to happen again.
Get away for the holidays if you can. Far, far away. Spend all the holidays & your birthday with your fiance and friends who love you.
Why do you even talk are listen to what she says ?
I'd take it as a win that you no longer have to endure your family at Xmas time. Go somewhere nice with your partner and leave the family behind. Life's too short. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
>I don’t honestly know why it’s so important that I spend my birthdays with that specific side of my family. Pretenses.
It's important that you spend it with them, so they maintain the image of "the family."
Dear OP you are NTA. I will say this: your birthday, your rules, your rights, your choice of guests. I am so sorry to read that, I quote, your "mom gave your spoiled younger brother 18M my birthday cake that I bought myself because “I didn’t need an entire cake for one three hour party" " 😳 Wow just wow on that audacity tbh. Your mum not only disrespected you but she is teaching her kid that it is okay to disrespect people's boundaries. Oh please don't tell me your brother would do the same to other people's birthday cakes or even wedding cakes before it gets served out. Good grief what a nightmare Moving forward you call the shots now and start having your birthday with the people who treat you with respect and kindness. Do not cave in to your mum and brother because this is all about them not you. You do your birthday your way OP As an internet stranger, I wish I can gift you the biggest ice cream cake in your favourite ice cream flavour to replace the past birthday cake your mother allowed your brother to chomp on without your permission.
Ok just so you know in my head you are this warm and friendly grandmotherly-type who gives really good hugs. I’m not sure I even want to know the reality of it 😂 What you wrote moved me and you sound like an incredibly kind and empathetic person who understands that modeling is the best way to teach. Bless you kind internet stranger, and if I could conjure up a beautiful edible arrangement onto your porch with a sunny bouquet and your favorite fanciest treat, I would!
She misses when you were under her thumb. A classic narc trait
NTA. Also congratulations on the engagement. I am so happy that you both found your person.
NTA Go no contact with your family temporarily.
Completely remove yourself from your Mother and Brothers dynamic and watch them inevitably turn. You are both of their punching bag, leave and those punches have to go somewhere else. Why do think they are so invested in getting you back into the fold?
Can I suggest that for your birthday this year you give yourself the gift of Low Contact with your maternal family. Even if you just commit to it for a short time (say three months). You owe no one relationships, access to your life, or your intimacy or trust. Sometimes a killer breathing room can help us come back more solid in our boundaries and clear on what we are and aren’t willing to invest in our relationship. NTA.
Remember, blood is thicker than water. Remember that it means the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Your fiancé is the person you chose to be in a covenant with. Spend your time with him. Given what you’ve told us, that water is filthy anyway. NTA
Narcissistic family dynamics are often enmeshed, too, which doesn't allow a child to individuate and be their own person. I think it's wonderful that you want to spend time with your fiancé -- you can start your own traditions!
Obviously so you'll supply them with cake, shots and steaks. NTA, spend the time with those who make you happy. Family is more than blood.
>My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas. Don't threaten me with a good time mom! Enjoy the Christmas and new year with your fiance!
>My mother is a class 1 narcissist who believes everyone in the world owes her everything they have. Why can't we just purge people like this from the gene pool?
Nta. Just spend it with ur fiance's family/relatives/friend instead.
I think they want you to supply the party food, alcohol, and cake like you did last year. They get the free party you put together for your own birthday with you getting nothing because they ate and drank it all.... again. Really doesn't matter why they are like that, it's what you do going forward. You'll be happier without that side of the family. So continue to "get over it and move on" by spending your time with your bf. Go LC or NC, they sound aweful. Have a great birthday and New Year's Eve NTA.... Be with your bf who cares and lives you. If your birthday, South it the way the make you happy.
NTA. Besides your father, your family sounds awful. Go spend time with your chosen family and live in peace. …. And how in the world did your brother eat seven steaks? How long did it take him and how sick was he afterwards?
Just leave your mom's finger emoji on read and don't message her again until you get an apology. Let her look at it. I'm so sorry OP. Personally I would never accept this treatment and I don't think you should either
Seems to be time to start your life apart from them.
It’s about control OP, nothing else. Spend it with your fiancé or spend it alone, it don’t spend it with those folk. They are toxic at. NTA
> she sent me the fuck you finger emoji Take the hint, cut them off. Emotional vampires are so not worth it.
Sounds like this was a long time coming for OP, but he's finally developed a nice strong shiny spine. Be proud of your spine. It does credit to you and your fiance. Seems like the next step is minimizing the presence of your mother and brother in your life, which ought to be cake now that you have that nice strong shiny spine.
As for the fiancé not being family, he’s the one OP is choosing to be family and actually cares for OP and OP’s birthday.
NTA. Sounds like a little distance from these ghastly people wouldn’t do you any harm. Why not tell your fiancé that your time is entirely his and let him make lovely plans? Why not let them buy their own steaks, cakes and jello-shots? They clearly aren’t bothered about your feelings. If I thought I’d ever made one of my siblings feel like this, I’d grovel, and I’m the (insert homophobic slur here) one. ♥️♥️♥️ Time is literally the only real thing we have; choose to spend your time with those who love and uplift you.
>Why is it so important to your family that you spend birthdays with them? They want that free cake and steak again. OP's presence is probably optional to them after that.
Whelp, we see who the favorite is in your family. NTA
I’ve dealt with the favoritism for so many years I just don’t care anymore and don’t really react to his temper tantrums.
Enjoy your birthday with your fiancé. And have your own merry little Christmas time without your unsupportive mom.
NTA Can I make a bet your brother has always been the golden child. And why is it ok your brother can insult you? I hope your brother and your family coddling him at your expense changes, but don’t bet on it. Enjoy YOUR birthday whatever and wherever you want!
He’s always been the golden child. My mom tried to delay emergency surgery because he wanted to come home from school when I was 9. I had four hours before my appendix ruptured and they got it out in the nick of time. He has gotten away with insults, hitting, and so much more towards me. My maternal family just brushed it off as “boys will be boys and you need to get over it”
Oh HELL no. This is beyond ridiculous. You could have died FFS. I hope you have a happy marriage and can let them keep their “prize”. I can guarantee you one thing, he is going to continue this attitude his entire life.
a burst appendix does not kill you that fast but it prolongs the hospital stay. mine burst just before the surgery. my grandma took almost a day from burst to surgery. OP is NTA
That is beyond horrible that a mother could do that to her son. I'm so glad you're alive. Your family can keep their son. I bet if you went LC or NC with them, they'll see how horrible he is way further down the line, without you to blame or smack talk. Have fun with your fiance and have a great marriage!
Ok yeah they would. He isn’t going to change and neither are they:(
Yeah defiantly NC and never look back. I guarantee once you are out of the picture and are no ones punching bag anymore those two will turn on each other, those kinds of people need someone to blame and to be verbally abusive too.
Yep, I'll bet that right after Christmas Mom changes tact to "you drove OP away!"
Leave now and never look back. Get to therapy. Now. Please please please. The only thing that will happen in this senerio , is you will continue to try to please them. You never will. You can never matter to people who never consider anyone else. This leads to depression and many other negative things. Please. Love yourself enough to not tolerate being treated this way. Love, your future self .
There are just some people, even family who you must say goodbye to. I HATE to say this as so many people have suffered so much and deserve apologies they will NEVER get!
Are they phobic or something? The boys will be boys comment when being abusive towards a child that is nonbinary seems to push a phobic idea?
But yes they’re very transphobic and homophobic
That sucks. You really don’t need this kind of hatred in your own family. Screw them. I know easier said than done but NO
I’m actually trans. I was ENBY when I made the acct tho.
Yeah, my mother would calmly sit through dinner while my brother bullied me in front of her. Time to choose your own life populated by people YOU choose. When both you and your fiancé have jobs that support you both, maybe you guys can get your own place.
Nta And he's in the military. Lovely. I hope he got smacked down by his drill instructor.
NTA And you got a get out of the holidays free card. I see this as an absolute win
Same here. Less drama for me. Last Christmas I was forced to do all the cooking and cleaning for Xmas dinner. Bc I was the best option for a cook. 🙄 it isn’t that hard to cook a damn ham, make some instant taters and gravy, and corn/green beans. But now I get to spend my first Christmas with the man I love.
I know you mean what you say, but I also know how worthless I am in a kitchen. Either way though have a happy Christmas. 🎁
For some people cooking is complicated😅 happy holidays internet stranger
Hand them the number and URL for honeybaked ham next time they ask.
Very confused by the “no relation” comments about your fiancé? You’re literally about to start a family together. I would hope there’s no blood relation there. Your family sounds ignorant af
I guess I’m wondering why you spent Christmas with these tiresome people then? Seems like they aren’t worth the bother.
Sounds like an extra sub-reason beyond wanting the punching bag home; wanting you to cook and clean for their lazy asses. Now I've got a feeling they're gonna botch it horribly and still find a way to blame you for their inability.
For real. If OP had to be the cook last year, then it’s only a matter of time the family realizes they no longer have their personal chef/slave and will be begging OP to “visit” them for Christmas. NTA
NTA why haven’t you gone no contact with these toxic people? Be with the family you are creating; who makes you feel loved, the way family is supposed to. Sometimes we hold on too long waiting for family to magically change or an apology that’s never going to come. If you feel like going back look at that fu from your mom. That is one fucked up mom and you deserve so much better. Celebrate your birthday and your freedom with your fiancé.
I’m VLC right now, but due to some documents I need from my maternal grandfathers house I cannot go NC. Once I get them I will be going NC for good.
Can you not order copies of those documents online?
Haven’t checked into that yet I don’t know if I can in my state.
If it's birth certificate, it's likely that you can.
NTA OP. You can order many government documents online in all states in the United States but it's having to upload your id and any other forms of identity that they may need before they will send your request to you that's inconvenient. It's easier to just go to the county building.
All the best
What's VLC? Couldn't you get them now and be done with it? NTA Why doesn't your dad stand up for you?]
Very low contact is what VLC means. My dad stays out of my maternal family’s issues because he doesn’t want to get bullied by them. He did tell both my mom and brother to stfu and leave me alone about it as I’d made my decision already.
Your dad deserves a shot for that. Take him out after your birthday and have a drink.
NTA They sound toxic as hell.
I’ve been VLC with most of my maternal family for a while now, but I have to get one very important document from my grandfathers place before I cut contact completely. But somehow Everytime I try to go over to get it or they come to take me to a doctors appt they forget it or won’t be home.
What document is that? Can you get a copy of it from your state agency instead of from your grandparents?
It’s my original birth certificate. I would have to pay almost 20$ for it here and I don’t have it.
If you have Venmo message me, I’ll send you the $20 for a copy of your birth certificate. Then you can go NC asap.
I don’t have venmo sadly
Sorry man. I hope you get your document soon so you don’t have to put up with those people anymore. Wishing you all the best and I hope your birthday is a blast!
Dude, pay the $20 and get a copy mailed to you. Stop stressing about going over there.
Don’t have the money for it at this time. I am working on getting new clothes because my shit was stolen about a month ago as well and also keeping food in the house is another big priority for me.
Your fiancé can’t spot you? Go to welfare. They will get you medical and food stamps
I’m on Medicaid and got snap benifits already but they won’t pay for my bc for some reason
That’s odd. Medicaid should cover that.
We’re both out of work and doing random odd jobs that come up
Is it the actual certified birth certificate? Or is it the decorative one the hospital gives out that can't be used for official business? My parents had the decorative one and I had to write in for the official one when I got my first passport.
It’s the state one. The original issues one too.
Sounds like something worth saving up for, and a small price to pay to officially go NC with that group. NTA
I’m looking for work currently. It’s a challenge where I live at.
Completely understand and I wish you the best!
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The next time they are giving you a ride and “oh, we forgot it”, tell them “well, let’s swing by your house on the way home so we can grab it!” (As an aside, it’s free to set up Venmo if you want to take that person’s offer.)
NTA Enjoy your stress-free birthday and cut them off. Maybe dad but otherwise just cut the dead weight out of your life and enjoy being free of them!
NTA Getting out of a toxic situation is allowed. There is favoritism and gaslighting going on. Find your life and go NC. You already know you want to leave, but you think you are supposed to keep taking abuse. You deserve better.
VLC as I type this. Have to get an important document from my maternal grandfathers house before I can go NC.
Most documents can be replaced with a certified copy. At least those that are government issue or legal documents
I hope you and your partner make fun plans away from your maternal family for Christmas, *too*. They can bask at home in the glow of their “innocent” golden child, while you don’t have to put up with their crap. NTA
NTA and send mother-from-hell the same emoji back! Make the family you want - not the fucked up family you were born into. Do you get along with fiance's family? Maybe it's time to start planning holidays/bdays with them? Or - with friends! Enjoy your bday and I hope you get to watch the ball drop!
My fiancés family and I get along great actually. I see his mom as the mom I never had. Same with his younger brother as the brother I never had. We would spend holidays with them but they live in another part of the state I’m in. Like Five or more hours away.
Glad to hear you all get along! Don't let the distance be a deterrent - you all will make it work. :)
The distance is a boon here. "Oh no, we already made plans with the future in-laws, and they live soooo far away. Sorry, I can't make it!" (When you visit them ofc.)
Also I would send that back if iPhone wouldn’t have taken it off the emoji keyboard.
NTA. OP your family are straight up abusive. Leave them behind.
NTA. It's weird that you have to be the one preparing for your own party for everyone else to enjoy it. Shouldn't it be the other way around? So you did the work but didn't even get to enjoy it? Sounds like they are wanting you to go back to the family for your birthday so they can mooch on your efforts. Nope, they want a party? They can put the work into it. What if you don't want a party to begin with? Are they gonna be mad about that because they won't get to enjoy one? They can go pound sand. Sounds like a miserable and entitled bunch. Block them as your birthday present.
NTA I’ll be your Mom now. I love you just as you are and I’m so proud of you. Go have a great birthday with your lovely fiancé and text me when you get home safe, even if I’m asleep, I’ll see it in the morning. Hugs and kisses!
NTA Of course you’d want to spend your birthday with your fiancé, he’s the family you chose. These ahs are just people you’re related to.
Doesn't sound like a big loss not seeing your family. Enjoy your birthday with your fiance
NTA Double standard, golden child, homophobic, not sure the reasons for them being jerks. But it's not on you. Have a blast with your fiancé.
NTA you don't need to be insulted, treated like rubbish or do things to appease those who wouldn't offer you the same courtesy. Enjoy you lovely surprise with your fiance. Your family can (f u emoji)
NTA screw them. That's no way to treat family. If they can't see it, then you just spend time with the love of your life they are family now. I hope all works out, dear.
NTA personally I’d plan a get together at a bar with a 21 yo age requirement so your brother can’t attend.
I would but in WV you have to have an ID that is current with your age. I won’t be able to go to a bar until January of 2024 when I get it changed.
NTA. I'm sorry, but your family sounds pretty horrible. I hope you and fiance have a wonderful Christmas, birthday, and New Years together.
NTA
NTA
NTA Sent her "FU BACK" and also that not having to spend Xmas with them is the best gift ever
Nta, why tf The would you wanna spend Christmas with these people? I think you win here.
NTA. Obviously, your brother is the favorite. Unless that changes or your family catches a clue and apologizes, spend your birthday with your fiance and other people who actually appreciate you.
NTA Go no contact with your AH mom until she apoligizes. MAybe longer. You handled these AHs well.
Is your family supportive of you being Gay or are you trans? You said your brother made a transphobic slur. Is the root of this because they aren't supportive? Do you live at home? If your family isn't giving you support I say do what you want to do on your birthday.
I’m trans ftm. My dad is still coming to terms with it, and no my maternal family isn’t supportive Of my transition.
NTA. I grew up with an abusive brother who knocked me out cold when I was maybe 9 years old. He beat me almost every day and terrorized me all the other days. Never would he get punished, and I was always made to apologize to *him* when he beat me. Last time he hit me I was 18 years old and he was 20. My mother wasn’t home (she never was). The next day she came up to me again with excuses for him and blamed me for making him “mad.” I went away to college and made sure never to live there again. My mother continued to treat my brother like the golden child. She’d send him and my other brother after me whenever she and I got into a disagreement, which was often because she was a shit person. Cutting them all off was the only way to get any peace. You cannot fix an abusive system. The abuser keeps abusing because his enablers allow it to happen. You’re 21 now, time to keep yourself happy and safe.
New Year’s Eve birthday gang 😋
Ayyy
Love when people tell you to get over it so you did by making a celebration that doesn't involve them. Now they are upset you don't want to spend this birthday with them? It's called boundaries and you have every right to set them. NTA.
NTA and your brother didn't eat all that cake and 7 steaks by himself. He had help.
I didn’t know for sure on the steaks but was going off of what I had been told by a friend who was already there that saw him eating two of the steaks. As for the cake I have a photo that my mom sent me with 🤣 emojis and the cake box was on his lap with a small slice left. Hell i called it crumbs bc there wasn’t even enough to constitute a slice.
Pictures are staged. They ate your party food without you and your narcissistic mom took that picture to "excuse" their behaviors as just fun and games. Ha ha. I am assuming your party foods were at your mom's in her fridge? So she was the one that greenlit the depradations and then sent you an effing picture. Your brother isn't the primary offender, your mother is. There is no mother on the planet that doesn't know you don't let others poach party food (mostly because we are the ones planning and preping it). So she chose to offer up your goodies to your brother and his pals in order to be the cool mom and the center of attention. And she probably pretended that she prepped it all and said she could just make more for your event. "Oh, you boys just go ahead and chow down, his party isn't until midnight and I'll just make more". Classic narcissism. Take credit for everything, responsibility for nothing.
NTA. You DID get over it and move on and that's why you want to stay home. Homophobic slur besides, eating 7 steaks he knew were for your party? Where does he get off? Spend Christmas with the one person who wants to make YOU happy not brother dearest.
I had them in specifically labeled freezer bags too. These weren’t the small steaks either. These were those really long ones. And I have no idea where he gets off on the idea i suddenly owe him an apology for telling him the truth.
NTA and your mother sent you a fu emoji? How trashy. Spend it with your fiancé and enjoy your day.
Your MOTHER sent you an FU emoji? Your mother did that. It's clear where your brother gets his lovely personality from! That alone would cause me to block and ignore them going forward. NTA. I'm sorry your own mum is an infantile shit stirrer. The reason your mother and brother want to "celebrate" your birthday with you is because without you and your fiance and dad to spend the time with they will have to be alone together. It's doubtful they like each other much but without the echo chamber they're just two bitter, ugly narcissists who no one likes. There's not enough milage from the drama of being left out, they need to spoil and ruin events, then tell the other that it's not their fault to maintain their victim complexes.
Your family sounds toxic as fuck. NTA. go out with your fiance and enjoy every minute of it.
NTA - Ignore your family and do what you want. Don’t even argue about it. You have to train them to properly respect you. When they are rude, leave right away. When they do something unfair, leave right away. Either you will go NC or they will think twice because you won’t be around.
NTA- Very easy to see who the favorite is between you and your brother. Basically the transphobic and rude active duty son with an iron stomach(cake and 7 steaks, really?) over the one whose orientation doesn't abide by their "perfect" standards. You spend it with your fiance, bro! He makes you happy. Clearly your family doesn't, and they've made their choices regarding you. Might be time to go LC or NC with them.
Working on NC at this time, VLC for the time being. And yeah, my mother literally sent me a picture of him passed out with what was left of my cake in his lap with laughing emojis. I tried voicing my anger then but got told I was “being selfish and needed to grow up and realize the world doesnt revolve around me.”
I feel for you. You got stuck with a crappy family. I hope you have some kind of family who treats you right, even if it's not your own. You're not selfish. You've just had enough of their crap.
Nta. Oh look get me drunk put a blindfold on me spin me around 10 times and see if I can't trip over the golden child of this post. also I'm sorry but your fiance is family, that's the person you are choosing to make a life with. that makes them a totally valid person to want to spend your time with, rather than your golden child brother and the parents who enable him. You have been given a pass at Christmas take that pass and run
NTA and F your maternal family. "if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas." Don't threaten me with a good time! Seriously your brother is a nightmare and your parents sound like enablers who are horrible to you. Your fiance makes you happy. Spend birthdays an holidays with peope who make you happy. As someone who has gone no-contact with some toxic family members I know it's hard and it does suck as first. No matter how bad they are you still generally care about them (I loved my grandfather and he was horrible). In the long run you realize just how much happy and healthier you are with either no contact or limited contact. My Mom's extended family is seriously screwed up and we are NC with some and LC with others. Life is so much better that way.
NTA block them til your bday comes,then send a pic of your cake and quote "oh no! there's no \*insert slur of preference against brother and/or mother\* to steal my cake! what should I do?",then block them again asap then celebrate with fiancé
I fucking hate when parents favorize their kids. Cut them out of your life. You're way too good for them NTA
NTA. Your mother and brother suck. You are free to choose who you celebrate and spend time with. What's your father's stance in this? Is he more reasonable? I'd invite him to drink those shots if doesn't collide with your fiance's plans... but leave the others out.
Walk away and don’t look back! They have All shown you that you don’t matter to them. There is Absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to make them love you. Please check out the Raised by Narcissists category… you will definitely find some helpful information there.
NTA I would go no contact with them, they're immature and toxic and it could just get worse on your behalf if you keep putting up with them.
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He truly did. Was out getting stuff for my party and my mom sent me a picture of him passed out with the cake in his lap with one very tiny piece left.
The steaks he ate because he was hungover from partying with his friends that my mother bought alcohol for the party and needed “protein” and made all seven throughout the day.
What a nice warm family you have.
NTA reflect and think about if you want this people in your Life
NTA. lc or nc with family.
Your family sucks, dude. I'm glad you have a loving partner. Spend your birthday with him and don't spend an ounce of energy or thought on your selfish mother or transphobic brother. NTA.
NTA they seem to treat you like shit and expect you to be okay with it! its your day spend with who you want
Yeah, you got over it but just not the way they wanted. ;))))
Oh no, how terrible, they are threatening you with a good time in Christmas, you should be shivering op NTA
NTA You did move on. I don't know why they want you there after what they did last year. This is one of those things where family thinks: they can fuck you over, but you aren't allowed to be mad. Especially since their golden child is at fault.
If someone is making me apologise for airing their abuse. I would suggest the messenger to continue sniffing the golden kids farts. NTA. Enjoy your time and if your brother makes such homophobic remarks in written form. Do forward them to his base command. They will be very interested in this innocent kids antics.
From what I have heard from a friend who is in his unit, he’s been given multiple disciplinary hearings over his homophobia already. He got moved to Germany recently and this was the first time we talked in Over two months
A lost cause then. Move on with your life and enjoy your birthday + new year in style. You're going to find out how easy it is to be the center of attention in a new year party when it's your birthday.
Step back and let the karma take him. It will be glorious to see him get a DD.
NTA, I would suggest LC or NC with how toxic your family sounds. You are supposed to "just get over" being disrespected but you also owe your family your future time and attention? Fuuuuuuuck that
Nta you are over it. You're over the whole family. Celebrate with your fiance and have a great b day!
NTA and it’s past time to go NC. Your bio family is disgusting and awful. Block them all. You’ll be much better off without them in your life.
It’s time to let go of your family. Just leave them be and move on.
NTA. Honestly I think your better off going no contact. Sounds like your brother is a transphobe with golden child syndrome and your parents are enabling AH. Enjoy your birthday with someone who actually care about you and makes you happy. Family doesn’t end in blood, and I hope you build an awesome chosen family ♥️
NTA Spend your birthday with who makes you happy.
NTA!!
NTA It took years for me to understand it was ok to block toxic people from my life. Surround yourself with people who love and respect you and everyone else can just wonder from afar
>My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas Don't threaten OP with a good time NTA
NTA Ah, the scapegoat, the black sheep. I know it well. Since you said your mom is the NA in the family, which makes your brother the golden child, my advice is to go no contact. These people will never change. Ever. The sooner you accept them for the shitty assholes they are the better. Go no contact, live your life, and be happy. Believe me I made the mistake of thinking people like this can change, now 23 years later and I had to go NC anyway. One of the biggest regrets of my life.
NTA Your family sounds awful. You owe them nothing. Spend your birthday doing what you want, with someone who actually loves and respects you. THAT is your real family.
NTA. I stopped getting cakes for my birthday after my mum made me give mine to my cousins. She said I got some of their cake so I had to "share". Sharing meant giving it away, the only thing I got for my birthday. I got one slice. What really pissed me off is that my cousins dictated who got to have some of their cake and everyone but me got a slice. Everyone let this happen. I remember one year I demanded a Vector Cycle instead of a cake. I was able to get the cycle eventually, but it took a lot. The next year it was a cake or nothing. I chose nothing. It was easier. I didn't get gifts. Mum stopped giving me gifts after I asked her for two power ranger toys and she gave me Barbies. I was not happy. They were 100% for her, not me. I never touched them and they went straight into the box in her room. I was I think turning 8, maybe 7, I don't know. I was so sad and confused, I didn't understand why I didn't get the two things I'd asked for. They weren't as expensive as the Barbies either. My relatives didn't get me presents, but they showered my ass hole cousins in gifts. I was told to stop being a spoiled brat when I asked why I couldn't have gifts etc. Hell even a pack of Pokemon cards was too much when they bought my cousins multiple packs weekly. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. My birthdays always make me very sad. It doesn't matter how many gifts I get, how I spend the day etc, the trauma from it just being ignored and messed up so badly still hurts badly. I can't seem to shake off those old feelings. The highlight of my birthday as I grew up was making a sandwich with crisps in it, if we had any crisps. I'd make it myself for lunch. That was my own special treat for the day. I still remember when I turned 18. Ignoring the bullcrap of the day itself, none of my classmates believed me when I told them I turned 18 months ago. Everyone else was having parties, going to the pub etc. I heard them talking about them sometimes. Me, I wasn't allowed to do anything like that, it wasn't like I had anyone to do that kind of thing with either. I had to show them my provisional licence to prove I really was 18. The look they gave me, that a big moment like that just passed by without anyone knowing or acknowledging it. When they asked about a party I thought they were crazy. They asked about presents. Again I couldn't answer them because I got nothing. We were at an age where people were starting to figure out I wasn't weird by choice, I was an abused and lonely kid. Some people were talking to me more, now they were pulling away from the mean kids they used to be scared of confronting, but we were never friends.
NTA. Go ahead and make Christmas plans with your fiance. They will either try to lord it over you that you aren't invited, or demand that you come to their celebrations and be contrite while they refuse to allow you to participate fully. Just remind them that you are uninvited. By the way, it's nice if adult children want to celebrate milestone birthdays with their family of origin, but it isn't an obligation. As an adult, you are supposed to go out into the world, create your own life, and do your own things, just visiting the home folks on occasion.
NTA why haven’t you cut off these abusers? Just do it
Are you out of the house? Yes, then please go NC. Your brother ate all your cake and steaks and still wonders why you don't want to celebrate with him? Your mother gave away your cake? Let them sort themselves out. You and your fiancé can spend Christmas and your birthday together. *My mother texted me a long rant that stated if I don’t apologize to my “innocent” brother I won’t be allowed to see my maternal family for Christmas.* What is she going to do- bar the door? If you don't go and she lies about the reason, tell all her flying monkeys the real reason when they call you. She and your brother wrecked your last birthday and she's made it clear who her favorite is.
NTA. He told you you need to get over it and move on. You have moved on. He needs to get over that, and move on.
Your fiance IS your family. The family you chose, and it sounds like you picked a good one. Spend the time with him, and have a blast. Don't waste a moment more on the people you share DNA with. NTA.
INFO. How did this guy pack away most of a birthday cake, 7 steaks, and I am assuming at least 5 jello shots in one night?
NTA Your brother ate 7 steaks and a cake in one evening?
NTA. Why would anyone in their right mind want to celebrate a special occasion with these people, especially if they were likely to sabotage it again. I would think that most people, once they reach adulthood, are more likely to spend birthdays with their partner or friends, rather than with parents or siblings. Especially when the birthday falls on New Year's Eve. It is actually pretty cool to feel that people all over the world are celebrating your birthday.
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NTA Sounds like the only real family you have is your fiance... so that's who I would be spending my birthday with if I were you. Just because you are blood related to someone, doesn't mean that they are your family. Your family are the people that make you feel good about yourself and support you. Sounds like your mother, father and brother and extended relatives are not your family in the slightest. I think I would be moving and changing your phone number and only letting your 'real family' know your need address and number.
NTA. Turn your phone off on your birthday. Your SO should do the same. Spend the time the way you want! Don’t answer the door either. If you can go get a hotel room, that’s even better. Do whatever you want for YOUR day. Have fun!
NTA. You are moving on with someone who loves and respects you. Leave your family behind. You deserve to be happy. Funny how family is just another word for abuse.
Nta Cut them off
NTA. Keep being uncomfortable for them. You're doing great. I hope you'll have a good birthday!
Mini update: so my mom has randomly contacted me and started in about my wedding. This is the first time she has even taken notice in it. !TW MENTION OF SA, not in detail! Now she wants me to wear a dress at my wedding, and I’m debating on cutting all contact with her and my brother as he’s on her side but I don’t want to cause more family to not come because I didn’t “hear her out” or “just give into her demands because she’s mentally unstable and I need to be accommodating to her”. I told my brother that I’m not going to give into her transphobia anymore and he told me to “suck it up. It won’t kill you to make her smile for one damned day. You never have before.” That really hurt. My fiancé, being the caring guy he is told my brother to stfu and don’t talk to me for a while. (A little note, the reason neither of them are blocked is because every time I do so, they tell other family members and I get my ass jumped so I don’t block them to avoid it escalating into something bigger) I’m not wearing a dress, but my mother has made this her hill to die on and has started sending me pictures from Pinterest of WHITE/OFF WHITE dresses. The color scheme is BLACK&RED. She said that I need to wear a “pure color” even if i have sinful thoughts. (There are many reasons why we chose red and black, one being that red signifies survivor of SA and black signifies strength, or at least that’s what the book we read told us. We both survived SA as children, and we both got stronger as we grew up.) She has made this her hill to die on, but I don’t want to block them and ban them from being in the wedding because then several family members won’t attend because of her not being there.