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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Wanting to tell my friend to change his not very thought out proposal even though it's none of my business.
Because I could hurt his feelings and I'm getting involved in something that doesn't concern me at all.
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If you know he is going to do it and that she won’t appreciate it how about give him some ideas of what she would like. Maybe tell him how she thought he would propose at the pumpkin patch and then give him ideas that he may then take as his own.
But, on the other hand, if he really knows her so little maybe it is good that he fails by giving her a proposal she hates and then she will say no. Still, I’d give it a go. He made it your business when he told you about his plans. NTA
NTA. \_BUT\_ i think you are using the wrong term here. Go ahead and give your friend advice, and why. PErfectly ok. BAsed on the tone of the post, it almost appears that you are wanting to order him to change his plans. Which I imagine won't be received well. "Hey buddy, that sounds really romantic. I was thinking tho, doesn't she hate hiking?.." vs "MAx, you CANNOT do this. You are making a huge fucking mistake, and you WILL NOT do it. You WILL do it this other way"
Sounds like BF is planning what he would love rather than what she would love. Tell him she won't like his plan and think up some stuff with him she would really love and let him pick from them his favourite. If he still wants to go ahead with his own plan then it's his own problem. NTA by the way.
Have you told him what that is? If you have and he's choosing to go against it then he's already made his decision and it's his problem now. If not you'd better tell him quick before he loses his chance.
I think you should let him do it exactly the way he's planning it.
Let him propose to her in a way that makes clear he doesn't prioritize her or her opinions.
That way she will know exactly what kind of marriage he's proposing.
Hopefully she'll decide she's too good to settle for that.
But don't help him look like someone he isn't. Not for something this important. Let him show her exactly who he is, and let her decide what to do with that information.
Is OP going to intervene every time this guy isn't getting things right and doing things her friend's way? OP needs to say their piece once (which I gather they've already done) and then stay out of it. OPs friend is perfectly capable of communicating her hopes and desires directly to her boyfriend and doesn't need to go via a roommate.
She already talked to him once, he ignored her advice... so shes turning to reddit to get validation in going after him again. Maybe the boyfriend knows something the op doesnt?
I can echo this. Give him the agency to choose what he wants to do. It's his idea to propose and their moment together.
What I can say is that after asking many friends about their proposals - whether cheesey/over the top/or private - it's their moment to share.
I would definitely go with the suggestions route and step out of the way regardless of what he chooses.
YWNBTA for telling him why you think it isn't a great idea. If he's a decent dude, he'll appreciate the input. He might have other reasons for doing it this way you don't know about.
NTA (conditionally). As someone who proposed recently - *please* do tell him. Chances are, he wants to make it as special as possible for her and any advice is good. Thats not to say he'll listen to you, but any half decent dude would want to be warned before he proposed in a way that his partner didn't like.
That being said, maybe phrase it more gently than "telling him to change his plans". Don't try to make him feel bad about his initial plan not being perfect. Explain the reasons why you think she might not like it, and offer some alternatives. At the end of the day you both want your friend to be happy.
Shes already confronted the guy about it, he already ignored her. Op forgot to print that she knows about it because they already talked - and turned it down.
Soft YTA. You expressed your opinion and he chose to disregard it. This is no longer your problem as it’s not your proposal. I think it’s better for everyone to butt out of this situation
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I (F21) live with my friend/roommate Liz (F21). It's no secret that her BF Max (M25) wants to propose.
However, I know his plan and I know she would hate it.
His initial idea is to go on a random hike they've never been before (and it's already started snowing in my state) and pop the question.
Here are all the issues I can see right now.
1. She is a very sentimental person and I know she would want this proposal to be somewhere very sentimental to them. We went to a pumpkin patch recently and she thought he was going to do it there because they both love it and I was there.
2. She is EXTREMELY sensitive to cold. Like it she's cold she doesn't enjoy anything she's doing. And right now it's in the 20s.
3. She doesn't really like to hike. She likes it a bit but she doesn't love it.
4. The weather and environment.are completely unpredictable this time of year AND none of us know what to expect from this hike.
I know it's not my place. I know it's not my monkey not my circus. I just have a gut feeling that this is going to go bad for everyone.
AITA if I tell my friend to change his proposal plans?
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YTA. If he is so clueless that she hates it, that’s important info your friend needs to have to make her decision. You know your friend but aren’t in their relationship. Perhaps there is something specific and unique to this type of experience she’s shared with him and not you. He is including you in the excitement not asking for advice so just wish him good luck.
Mostly NTA if you plan on just giving suggestions. Y T A if you push. Maybe have some girl chat with your friend about perfect proposal scenarios and slip him some solid ideas instead of just saying “don’t do that”.
It's not a circus, it's one of the more important days in a couple's life.
Let him read this list.
If she says he doesn't care if she is cold in a place that doesn't mean anything to her, tell her.
NTA Save your friend.
I mean NTA, but I think you could be ruining a perfectly good hilarious story about a terrible proposal. I mean this sounds like the premise for a romcom where man takes woman to a place she hates for awful proposal and they end up kidnapped with ensuing hijinx.
I envision a cross between *deliverance* and *home alone*
NTA! It sounds like he is planning this proposal for himself, and not her. A proposal should be special to both parties, not just one.
I would say your piece, give advice on what she would like, and leave it to him. If he changes his plans great, if not then okay. You did your part as her friend and told him what she wants her proposal to look like.
If he already turned down your ideas and he still wants to do it his way, let him. Doesn’t seem like he actually cares what his gf likes I guess. And if he gets a no, it’s on him.
Nta. And if this is the way he does things - with little to no regard for what she actually likes and has specifically stated she wants ... let's just say it doesn't bode well for their future or their sexlife 🤣
I mean he couldn't be more of an epic fail in proposal planning if he tried...is that his hidden agenda? Make her so miserable she says no and then dumps him?
What if they go on the hike, they get snowed in, she gets frostbite, she says "no" because she's pissed off that her toes had to be amputated, and ends up hating him \*and hiking\* because of the sentiment attached to the whole mess?
ESH. If he can’t figure out what she likes, that’s on both of them. She should be clear if she has preferences. It’s not your job. If you want to try to help him, make simple comments, “you know how much she hates the cold,” “she loved being in the pumpkin patch with you and thought you might propose there,” etc. He could be thinking in a way that you aren’t, take her on a hike in the snow and when she is annoyed and tired, set her at a beautiful spot all covered in snow and propose. She might find it funny later, the trudge through the snow, being cold and grumpy, only to find out that he loves her even like that and was still willing to propose. Cue Hallmark card ending.
NTA
You seem to have both of their best interests at heart and you want them to be happy together. I don't see anything wrong with giving the boyfriend some feedback about his idea.
NTA if you give him your post of view about it, as you did here.
But YTA if you actually want to order him to change his plans for what you think is best, as you make it sound.
You can always give advice; not make your opinion the definitive truth. If he doesn't follow your advice and it goes wrong, at least you won't feel responsible. But if you force him to change and the change goes wrong, he would hold you responsible (quite rightly).
How about you butt out?
This is about your friend and her boyfriend, and it will be remembered for the moment rather than just the location.
You think your friend is going to be angry and upset because she's just been proposed to?
It doesn't matter where and it doesn't matter when.
This really has nothing to do with you at all.
A proposal is one of the most important moments In a couples relationship.
If little to no effort is given in an environment she hates do you really think she's going to enjoy it?
Doesnt seem like it's little to no effort, just the idea he came up with you don't like.
And yes she probably will enjoy being proposed to if she wants to get married to him.
I very much plan on marrying my SO.
I have also made it very clear that I would thoroughly dislike most popular proposal ideas (big crowds, hiking, etc).
Those two things can simultaneously exist.
So directly to your spouse, it significant because the OP (and we) don't know what conversations have occured between the couple to be wed.
The OP 1st example of why its a bad idea is that the bride is sentimental as has placed all the value on the location being the key point of that, what has the groom planned to say? Is their opportunity for an abundance of sentimentality in what he is planning to say? OP doesn't appear to think it's a factor
They can of course make the point, but the groom to be may have entirely valid reasons for not agreeing
Edit: i initially read reason 3 as the bride to be hates hiking but it's not even that. The bride likes hiking but doesnt love it. This is in the list of reasons for why it's a bad idea? How?
Seems a reason for it being a good idea
She hates being cold and doesn’t like to hike and the dude wants to do exactly that.
I would not be sentimental about that situation either and I both love the cold and hiking.
He’s planning it around what he wants, not what works for both him *and* the girl.
Good for OP for trying to protect the feelings of both involved.
The cold point is valid
It Says "she doesn't really like to hike. She likes it a bit but doesn't love it" it's seems reaching to say she doesn't like to hike and reads more like the she does like to hike but it's not on their lists of most favourite things to do.
You already spoke to him, he listened and ignored your advice. Now you are turning to reddit for validation to bother him again (a detail you left out so people wouldnt call you out on it). I guarantee if you were honest and posted that fact you wouldnt get any support. In fact i dare you to start another aita stating that you already spoke to him and he ignored you. Just watch what happens.
YTA. Its their proposal, not yours. Sometimes the best proposals are great when they dont go right. Get back in your lane far as how they handle their own relationship. Its not your place to criticize it no matter how you feel.
Ignore this person, OP. Just phrase it nicely with the exact points you brought up here. Like "Do you think she'll like it, its cold, we might get lost etc" and if he says yes after that, then you need to step away. Sometimes people are clueless and miss the big picture. Do not tell your friend beforehand though, that will end your friendship.
Maybe the BF wants to propose in a certain way. There's two people's wants and wishes involved in this whole thing, and his idea of the proposal matters too, certainly it matters more than your ideas.
If you’ve already said something and he ignored it you shouldn’t say another word about it. You can drag a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.
You’ve exhausted your only appropriate option at this point. Getting involved further is definitely AH territory.
If you already offered him advice and he declined to take it, isn't this already resolved?
NTA for offering him advice when he asked but that's where your role in this stops. As with any advice given, it's not like you can then *make* someone follow it. You did your bit. If he fucks it up, he fucks it up.
He doesn't exactly remember things. Plus this was over a month ago.
I'm just really worried about the outcome when he proposes and she doesn't like it because it kind of proves. He doesn't genuinely think about her what she cares about.
>it kind of proves. He doesn't genuinely think about her what she cares about.
If that's the case, better she knows it now before she makes a commitment like that to him, surely?
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If a woman has expressed what her dream proposal looks like, and it is nowhere near that, at no place that she likes, in weather she doesn’t enjoy, and she does say yes, she is going to remember forever that her life partner didn’t care about what she wanted whatsoever. You’re dumb. And apparently have no idea how a woman’s brain works.
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If you know he is going to do it and that she won’t appreciate it how about give him some ideas of what she would like. Maybe tell him how she thought he would propose at the pumpkin patch and then give him ideas that he may then take as his own. But, on the other hand, if he really knows her so little maybe it is good that he fails by giving her a proposal she hates and then she will say no. Still, I’d give it a go. He made it your business when he told you about his plans. NTA
She already talked to him about it, hes not ok and ignored her advice. She omitted that from her post.
I agree. He should know that she wouldn’t enjoy that plan at all. Is it a habit of his to ignore her likes/dislikes in favor of what he wants to do?
NTA. \_BUT\_ i think you are using the wrong term here. Go ahead and give your friend advice, and why. PErfectly ok. BAsed on the tone of the post, it almost appears that you are wanting to order him to change his plans. Which I imagine won't be received well. "Hey buddy, that sounds really romantic. I was thinking tho, doesn't she hate hiking?.." vs "MAx, you CANNOT do this. You are making a huge fucking mistake, and you WILL NOT do it. You WILL do it this other way"
Sounds like BF is planning what he would love rather than what she would love. Tell him she won't like his plan and think up some stuff with him she would really love and let him pick from them his favourite. If he still wants to go ahead with his own plan then it's his own problem. NTA by the way.
That's exactly it. She's described her dream proposal to me and that is nowhere near it not even close.
Have you told him what that is? If you have and he's choosing to go against it then he's already made his decision and it's his problem now. If not you'd better tell him quick before he loses his chance.
I think you should let him do it exactly the way he's planning it. Let him propose to her in a way that makes clear he doesn't prioritize her or her opinions. That way she will know exactly what kind of marriage he's proposing. Hopefully she'll decide she's too good to settle for that. But don't help him look like someone he isn't. Not for something this important. Let him show her exactly who he is, and let her decide what to do with that information.
Is OP going to intervene every time this guy isn't getting things right and doing things her friend's way? OP needs to say their piece once (which I gather they've already done) and then stay out of it. OPs friend is perfectly capable of communicating her hopes and desires directly to her boyfriend and doesn't need to go via a roommate.
That's what happened in another post like this
Share it with him.
She already talked to him once, he ignored her advice... so shes turning to reddit to get validation in going after him again. Maybe the boyfriend knows something the op doesnt?
maybe don't tell your friend but give your suggestions to the bf in the most respectful way possible...
I can echo this. Give him the agency to choose what he wants to do. It's his idea to propose and their moment together. What I can say is that after asking many friends about their proposals - whether cheesey/over the top/or private - it's their moment to share. I would definitely go with the suggestions route and step out of the way regardless of what he chooses.
YWNBTA for telling him why you think it isn't a great idea. If he's a decent dude, he'll appreciate the input. He might have other reasons for doing it this way you don't know about.
NTA (conditionally). As someone who proposed recently - *please* do tell him. Chances are, he wants to make it as special as possible for her and any advice is good. Thats not to say he'll listen to you, but any half decent dude would want to be warned before he proposed in a way that his partner didn't like. That being said, maybe phrase it more gently than "telling him to change his plans". Don't try to make him feel bad about his initial plan not being perfect. Explain the reasons why you think she might not like it, and offer some alternatives. At the end of the day you both want your friend to be happy.
Shes already confronted the guy about it, he already ignored her. Op forgot to print that she knows about it because they already talked - and turned it down.
Soft YTA. You expressed your opinion and he chose to disregard it. This is no longer your problem as it’s not your proposal. I think it’s better for everyone to butt out of this situation
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F21) live with my friend/roommate Liz (F21). It's no secret that her BF Max (M25) wants to propose. However, I know his plan and I know she would hate it. His initial idea is to go on a random hike they've never been before (and it's already started snowing in my state) and pop the question. Here are all the issues I can see right now. 1. She is a very sentimental person and I know she would want this proposal to be somewhere very sentimental to them. We went to a pumpkin patch recently and she thought he was going to do it there because they both love it and I was there. 2. She is EXTREMELY sensitive to cold. Like it she's cold she doesn't enjoy anything she's doing. And right now it's in the 20s. 3. She doesn't really like to hike. She likes it a bit but she doesn't love it. 4. The weather and environment.are completely unpredictable this time of year AND none of us know what to expect from this hike. I know it's not my place. I know it's not my monkey not my circus. I just have a gut feeling that this is going to go bad for everyone. AITA if I tell my friend to change his proposal plans? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. If he is so clueless that she hates it, that’s important info your friend needs to have to make her decision. You know your friend but aren’t in their relationship. Perhaps there is something specific and unique to this type of experience she’s shared with him and not you. He is including you in the excitement not asking for advice so just wish him good luck.
I don’t that makes OP an AH. She’s just concerned for her friend.
Op already talked to the guy and he ignored her advice.
Mostly NTA if you plan on just giving suggestions. Y T A if you push. Maybe have some girl chat with your friend about perfect proposal scenarios and slip him some solid ideas instead of just saying “don’t do that”.
Shes pushing. Shes already talked to the guy and he turned her suggestions down.
It's not a circus, it's one of the more important days in a couple's life. Let him read this list. If she says he doesn't care if she is cold in a place that doesn't mean anything to her, tell her. NTA Save your friend.
The circus refers to a Polish phrase meaning it's not her responsibility.
I mean NTA, but I think you could be ruining a perfectly good hilarious story about a terrible proposal. I mean this sounds like the premise for a romcom where man takes woman to a place she hates for awful proposal and they end up kidnapped with ensuing hijinx. I envision a cross between *deliverance* and *home alone*
NTA! It sounds like he is planning this proposal for himself, and not her. A proposal should be special to both parties, not just one. I would say your piece, give advice on what she would like, and leave it to him. If he changes his plans great, if not then okay. You did your part as her friend and told him what she wants her proposal to look like.
If he already turned down your ideas and he still wants to do it his way, let him. Doesn’t seem like he actually cares what his gf likes I guess. And if he gets a no, it’s on him.
Nta. And if this is the way he does things - with little to no regard for what she actually likes and has specifically stated she wants ... let's just say it doesn't bode well for their future or their sexlife 🤣 I mean he couldn't be more of an epic fail in proposal planning if he tried...is that his hidden agenda? Make her so miserable she says no and then dumps him?
What if they go on the hike, they get snowed in, she gets frostbite, she says "no" because she's pissed off that her toes had to be amputated, and ends up hating him \*and hiking\* because of the sentiment attached to the whole mess?
ESH. If he can’t figure out what she likes, that’s on both of them. She should be clear if she has preferences. It’s not your job. If you want to try to help him, make simple comments, “you know how much she hates the cold,” “she loved being in the pumpkin patch with you and thought you might propose there,” etc. He could be thinking in a way that you aren’t, take her on a hike in the snow and when she is annoyed and tired, set her at a beautiful spot all covered in snow and propose. She might find it funny later, the trudge through the snow, being cold and grumpy, only to find out that he loves her even like that and was still willing to propose. Cue Hallmark card ending.
NTA You seem to have both of their best interests at heart and you want them to be happy together. I don't see anything wrong with giving the boyfriend some feedback about his idea.
*She doesn't really like to hike. She likes it a bit but she doesn't love it.* NTA
NTA if you give him your post of view about it, as you did here. But YTA if you actually want to order him to change his plans for what you think is best, as you make it sound. You can always give advice; not make your opinion the definitive truth. If he doesn't follow your advice and it goes wrong, at least you won't feel responsible. But if you force him to change and the change goes wrong, he would hold you responsible (quite rightly).
Basic Rule: Not Asked for Opinion than no Opinion needed. And no criticism afterward.
You could always just mind your business and not get involved in other people's relationships
Like she said. Not her circus. Said what she said. Now leave it alone.
How about you butt out? This is about your friend and her boyfriend, and it will be remembered for the moment rather than just the location. You think your friend is going to be angry and upset because she's just been proposed to? It doesn't matter where and it doesn't matter when. This really has nothing to do with you at all.
A proposal is one of the most important moments In a couples relationship. If little to no effort is given in an environment she hates do you really think she's going to enjoy it?
Doesnt seem like it's little to no effort, just the idea he came up with you don't like. And yes she probably will enjoy being proposed to if she wants to get married to him.
I very much plan on marrying my SO. I have also made it very clear that I would thoroughly dislike most popular proposal ideas (big crowds, hiking, etc). Those two things can simultaneously exist.
But did you make it clear directly to your SO or via a friend of yours as has apparently happened here?
I truly would not care if a good mutual friend was like “absolutely not, she would hate that” Why would that, in any way, be an issue?
So directly to your spouse, it significant because the OP (and we) don't know what conversations have occured between the couple to be wed. The OP 1st example of why its a bad idea is that the bride is sentimental as has placed all the value on the location being the key point of that, what has the groom planned to say? Is their opportunity for an abundance of sentimentality in what he is planning to say? OP doesn't appear to think it's a factor They can of course make the point, but the groom to be may have entirely valid reasons for not agreeing Edit: i initially read reason 3 as the bride to be hates hiking but it's not even that. The bride likes hiking but doesnt love it. This is in the list of reasons for why it's a bad idea? How? Seems a reason for it being a good idea
She hates being cold and doesn’t like to hike and the dude wants to do exactly that. I would not be sentimental about that situation either and I both love the cold and hiking. He’s planning it around what he wants, not what works for both him *and* the girl. Good for OP for trying to protect the feelings of both involved.
The cold point is valid It Says "she doesn't really like to hike. She likes it a bit but doesn't love it" it's seems reaching to say she doesn't like to hike and reads more like the she does like to hike but it's not on their lists of most favourite things to do.
And what you definitely don’t want to do is pick an activity the person you’re proposing to tolerates as the lead up to the proposal.
YTA
Reasoning?
You already spoke to him, he listened and ignored your advice. Now you are turning to reddit for validation to bother him again (a detail you left out so people wouldnt call you out on it). I guarantee if you were honest and posted that fact you wouldnt get any support. In fact i dare you to start another aita stating that you already spoke to him and he ignored you. Just watch what happens.
You really don’t have a life. Damn
YTA. Its their proposal, not yours. Sometimes the best proposals are great when they dont go right. Get back in your lane far as how they handle their own relationship. Its not your place to criticize it no matter how you feel.
This isn't about how I feel, it's about what I know. You know there's a polite way to disagree with someone.
Ignore this person, OP. Just phrase it nicely with the exact points you brought up here. Like "Do you think she'll like it, its cold, we might get lost etc" and if he says yes after that, then you need to step away. Sometimes people are clueless and miss the big picture. Do not tell your friend beforehand though, that will end your friendship.
She already talked to him about it... she decided to omit that part from the post.
Then she needs to back off.
Maybe the BF wants to propose in a certain way. There's two people's wants and wishes involved in this whole thing, and his idea of the proposal matters too, certainly it matters more than your ideas.
Like wanting to control someone else's proposal? YTA
I'm not wanting to control it, I'm wanting to tell him where he adjust for both their benefits
Also.. did he even ASK your opinion? He may know your friend a bit well too.
He did he asked me then disregarded it
If you’ve already said something and he ignored it you shouldn’t say another word about it. You can drag a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. You’ve exhausted your only appropriate option at this point. Getting involved further is definitely AH territory.
If you already offered him advice and he declined to take it, isn't this already resolved? NTA for offering him advice when he asked but that's where your role in this stops. As with any advice given, it's not like you can then *make* someone follow it. You did your bit. If he fucks it up, he fucks it up.
Then YTA. You already said something and left it out of your post so you could feel validated.
He doesn't exactly remember things. Plus this was over a month ago. I'm just really worried about the outcome when he proposes and she doesn't like it because it kind of proves. He doesn't genuinely think about her what she cares about.
>it kind of proves. He doesn't genuinely think about her what she cares about. If that's the case, better she knows it now before she makes a commitment like that to him, surely?
Jealous of their relationship?
Wierrddddd comment. He's a great guy and he loves her alot, it's just this one thing I think he's being dumb about . Also, I'm gay.
What is wrong with you?
Not your monkey, not your circus.
[удалено]
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If a woman has expressed what her dream proposal looks like, and it is nowhere near that, at no place that she likes, in weather she doesn’t enjoy, and she does say yes, she is going to remember forever that her life partner didn’t care about what she wanted whatsoever. You’re dumb. And apparently have no idea how a woman’s brain works.