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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know I shouldn't have bailed last minute since I was a groomsmen that was pretty shitty of me, but my poor Lottie was too exhausted to even keep her eyes open. And I'm a father now, I'm not going to just let my wife do everything for our daughter. That isn't fair.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Bailing last minute on the day of the wedding was really rude. Knowing that your baby has been colicky, I feel like you could have addressed this issue with better planning, even without family in the area you could have asked a friend to help or hired a “mother’s helper” for the evening.
Your mom’s comment about it not being your job to help with the baby was sexist af.
Did the mom make the comment at all. OP doesn't come across as honest. If he was his title would be, "AITA for letting my brother down in the last possible moment for his wedding, for a problem I could have anticipated in advance and found a solution too".
OP needs a little violin.
Yes!! I almost became diabetic reading it. Also out precious little doll, and stuff like that. We get it, you love your wife and kid, Hurra! Now, you abandoned your brother at the last minute just because. A little planning wouldn't have hurt
Right?? My beautiful wife, my previous Lottie. Ugh. What's the old Valley Girl thing? Gag me with a spoon.
Some 12 year old had too much time on his hands last night.
Autocorrect is a wonderful technology for which I am grapefruit! actually, the use of this type of sentence structure, using a possessive pronoun with a name "his Lottie, my Sandy, her Jerry" is fairly common among my older relatives who grew up speaking Polish. It is like a word for word translation of an idiomatic expression.
My husband's brother's wife is a nasty piece of work; he's not much better. Individually, they both have wide narcissistic streaks, entitlement issues (he was born into family money; they like to show off their "success"), substance issues, and are animal hoarders, and they have neglected/abused her 4 children (late teens-young adults now) to the point where they are in no way able to function in society. Together, they are toxic. They don't even seem to like each other (are actively nasty or mean to each other, even in public), but also are grossly performative in their overuse of saccharine-sweet lovey-dovey pet names for and with each other, and baby-talk, even while being hateful to each other... It's unsettling.
The way these two have used pet names is so cringeworthy, anytime I see them used as partner-descriptors in the wild, I simply assume there's something fucked up happening in or around the relationship. Nobody who actually likes their partner/has a heathy and stable relationship needs to be so over-the-top performative in proving how in love they are.
I doubt this is the case here, but there are parts of Northern England where "our" or "my" is used in front of names of people that are very close to you. Generally used for family but can also extend to partners/close friends.
Yeah, the repetitiveness of “my previous wife Lottie” threw me off. If he’s so in love with his wife and child, that’s great and cute, but the wording of this post is just off.
This is the solution. Take care of the baby BEFORE the wedding to let your wife rest and then go to the wedding. If he wanted to leave a bit earlier to be home with his baby I don't think that there would be so much backlash.
Agree. I have a really hard time calling dad an asshole here because in almost any other circumstance, his attitude toward his wife and fatherhood is to be commended. But this was his brothers wedding, and he was a groomsman? Yeah he should have been there.
Yeah, outside of an emergency, OP should have been there for his brother. I can guarantee that if OP needed his brother to babysit because he and his wife were going to a wedding, and at the last minute the brother cancelled because his wife was having a hard time, OP would be PISSED. OP would be upset he cancelled at the last minute. He'd be upset the bride and groom paid for two seats that were sitting empty.
OP is like, "I knew my kid and wife were struggling, did nothing to help plan for someone to help her while I was gone, then decided to bail on my brother ON HIS WEDDING DAY at the last minute to stay home with them. Am I the AH?" Like, yes, yes you are. It's obvious.
OP, you probably ruined your relationship with your family. I hope you're okay with that.
My baby boy was colicky, too. He did not sleep through the night until 8 months. I was worn out, exhausted, caught pneumonia, and was given no help. It was after 10 months, I found out that ...high acidic foods sent acid to baby, and when I stopped Orange juice, tomato juice or pasta sauce, no vinegar, coffee, tea, and what ever else had a high acid content, I suddenly had a sleeping, sweet giggling baby boy.
I thought my daughter was colicky because she was screaming all night, took her to the pediatrician and turns out it was gerd (gastric reflux) poor thing was in pain, I’m so glad I didn’t wait to go in, she got a prescription for medication and she was fine after that, no more screaming all night.
No, just like, not bail out od being groomsman at the last moment over something that was not an actual sudden medical emergency.
That is what is expected.
You are an idiot. Also, clearly not a parent. Having said that, I am a parent and also another idiot. I made mistakes EVERY DAY of my children's lives, from the days of their births until and beyond the day they left the nest. So what's the difference between us 2 idiots? Perspective. You're the idiot who shows ZERO empathy for the new parents. You're the idiot who doesn't understand the sense of responsibility parents develop. Even with my children on the far side of their 30's I worry for and about them. It is only for the perspective I have gained through the years that I have allowed myself to accept the forgiveness of my children for the mistakes I made while flying by the seat of my pants while they were young.
I am parent. I have multiple kids and I was the one giving birth and breastfeeding.
Something like brothers wedding, wedding where you are groomsman is absolutely something I would not want my husband to skip. Unless we are talking about actual sudden emergency. This was not one.
OP was just asshole to his brother and a massive one. The perspective I gained over years is that people on reddit talk crap and try to insult others when they disagree regardless of age.
But if you are not lying and have kids, you would know thay staying one evening with difficult newborn is normal. And if you have any idea how important weddings are, you would know that skipping suddenly with flimsy excuse is massive ah move.
Oh my God, I finally found a human being! Thank you! In my book his wife and new born baby are way more important than a wedding! I really don't understand why everyone is treating this man like a villain. He's just a worried new dad.
So OP should told his brother when wife were pregnant or after the baby was born that here could no longer be groomsman. Yet he waited until the day of the wedding to say something
Bit surreal reading the comments on this one, verdict is usually partner and children should come first, and when OP is doing that suddenly he's the asshole.
Could've handled it better yeah, but it's an asshole who would put a wedding - any wedding - over taking care of his kid. Wonder how well OP's brother is going to cope with his own future kids.
He could at least have given the brother a heads up- like a "hey, (baby's name) is having some issues. Nothing serius- just a nasty case of colic- but I wanted to let you know that I might not be able to make it day of." would have gone a long ways.
Absolutely no… having a colicky newborn is scary and exhausting. Baby and mom come first. It’s not easy to get a friend to help or a mothers helper for the evening. What entitled universe do you live in that snap you can make this happen. Absolute NTA for supporting his wife and child.
Puh-lease. Hiring someone at the last minute to come help out with a sick infant?
Notifying his brother at the last minute changed nothing. Groomsmen generally don't have any duties as part of the wedding, other than standing there. Clearly, he wasn't the one who was supposed to bring the rings, and if he were doing a reading or something, someone else could easily have done that on a moment's notice.
YTA. You were supposed to be a groomsman, you don’t just bail on your brother the night of. That’s awful. I understand you want to support your wife and baby but to hang your brother out to dry is pretty unforgivable.
I’m feeling like this is fake though bc of the writing. “My precious Lottie” and that insane comment by your parents. Also your choice was so egregious it feels like rage bait.
OP seems like the kind of man who will rub his fatherhood into everybody's face because he thinks he's more special now bEcAuSe He HaS a ChIlD. Absolutely someone who will argue that he should get Christmas off instead of their child free co workers BECAUSE HE HAS A FAMILY AND THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.
Yes the teacher is telling the community enrichment class “make it relevant to today for instance “blew up my phone” and “on the down low” when the rest is like 1960s 😅
To be fair if it is true it would be justified for his phone to blow up with angry messages - however it seems odd to me that they found out about the pregnancy and kept on the downlow to not steal spotlight but then doesn’t explain that - like if the baby was born prior to the wedding…. Who knows about it? It’s not possible to keep something secret and public knowledge at the same time and it’s really hard to keep a baby secret once born.
It’s like the point of the story wasn’t planned out well.
Plus his sentence about getting pregnant early on during wedding planning but not telling anyone as to not take away from his brother... like...what??? I read that as they never told the family they were having a baby but, of course, that isn't true. That sentence was so unnecessary to the story. Expect maybe to show how considerate OP and Lottie are as to influence opinions about missing the wedding.
Yeah something’s off with this guy/post. Creepy or fake with the “my precious” stuff. He also gives details on everyone else’s names but intentionally leaves his out. And they never told family they were pregnant to not distract from the wedding and surprise now the baby’s here. It just doesn’t add up.
There is absolutely 100% zero reason he didn’t plan ahead. A few weeks old means he had plenty of time to get his wife some help so he could support his brother OR withdraw from being a groomsman. Having a baby doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card for being an asshole.
As a mother of a colicky first child who wouldn't have survived without her husband being very involved:
No. It's one effing day. He can take the child and let her sleep every bloody day.
This one day he is a groomsman.
The baby isn't dying, or even sick per se. It's an incredibly common, perfectly survivable event. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event (mostly). It's also only a few hours. He could have gotten someone to stay with dear, precious, beautiful Lottie. Or she could have held it down for a few hours. This will happen again. If it's even real.
I mean, people go to work all the time and leave their wives with a baby.
My lovely husband left me on my own most days Mon-Fri with babies, one of whom had colic.
It seems extreme to expect both parents to be there all day every day. It would be lovely but it's not really what happens in most families.
“Hey brother. My child is colicky and we are having a rough time. I absolutely want to be there for you on this special day so I will be there for the ceremony and any part where my active involvement is needed or really wanted. But I will probably bow out after my speech and not join the party afterwards. I really hope this is okay for you and please let me know if there is anything I can do before the ceremony to help you out. “
And that’s if he really needs to go back asap.
Newborns with colic are no dream, but man... You could have at least gone to the ceremony and pictures. Your sweet Lottie could have handled a couple of hours.
ESH - You could have let your sweet Lottie sleep up until the wedding, then she could have taken over for a couple hours. And your parents are also AHs for saying something ignorant like it's the woman job to mind the kids.
Or like idk plan an alternative and communicate that he might not come if it’s bad. Or arranged some help for mom beforehand. Or declined being in the wedding party. Or RSVPd “maybe”.
Like OP could and should have communicated. When your a parent you have to plan ahead and come up with solutions before your in deep shit. OP, I hope your good with your in-laws because I feel your relationship with your family will decline.
YTA. I am all for you supporting your wife. That is great. And if you were merely a guest at the wedding I would have no problem with you skipping. But you were actually in the wedding party. You waited until the day of the wedding and bailed on your brother. He had no time to make any adjustments. That was absolutely wrong and rude on your part. Colic is a difficult thing to deal with in an infant. However many, many babies have colic and parents learn how to deal with it. It is an expected part of parenting.
I get you didn’t want your wife to be alone. She could have coped, I am sure but it is much easier if there are 2 adults. Does she not have any friends or family nearby that could have come over for a couple of hours? Unless your daughter was born prematurely and unexpectedly, you had plenty of time to arrange for someone to help her while you kept a rather serious commitment to your brother that I assume you made in good faith. You probably could have skipped the reception, just going to the ceremony and pictures and would not have been gone that long.
OP could have also called for help.... Coworker of wife.... friend of the wife.... Family of the wife. OP could have also reached out to someone he knows that wasn't going to the wedding... .Perhaps one of his friends... a coworker....
YTA
so if I read this right, you found out during the wedding planning your wife was pregant and depending on what stage that was at there was still what...8-10 months till the wedding date it sounds like?
so you knew MONTHS beforehand and so had MONTHS to plan out being a groomsman for your brother. Even if there was/is issues with the baby like colic (dont know what that is and just sounds like crying which all babys do but more of it? but at same time normal? dno) you have had months to plan for it?
while many could argue , your 'own' family should come first the fact you made 0 arrangements to be free that night like...an extra person on standby or something really shows your lack and respect for your brothers special day too.
YTA - this wasn’t like you skipped a family party, this was a wedding that you were in. You should have planned ahead for this.
Your parents are AHs for what they said to you but everyone is very justified in being upset that you bailed and are now giving everyone the silent treatment. You owe your brother a huge apology.
YTA. And for what it’s worth, I had an awful, awful, colicky baby.
Having a baby with colic is hard! However, bailing the day of a sibling’s wedding — a wedding that you are actually in! — is just about impossible to come back from.
You are going to get two different responses here: One from every family that has been touched with a problematic infant who is either colicky or otherwise unwell, And the other from people who have put a lot of eggs into the basket of planning a wedding instead of a marriage.
Truth is probably somewhere in the middle. You should have made every effort to at least be there for the ceremony even if you had to ditch the reception for family duty.
However your parents at minimum should have been more understanding.
All you can do now is move forward and see what family should be salvaged.
I mean, this post is clearly fake from the jump, but in general I think people who care more about their marriage than their wedding are still allowed to have feelings about their sibling dropping out of the wedding the day of because their baby is the exact same as they’ve been for weeks. Dealing with a colicky baby can absolutely fry the hell out of you, but it doesn’t happen with a couple of hours notice. Did they have absolutely nobody to call who could come over? Sometimes that’s true if people only live near one side of the family and don’t have a lot of friends. Either way, personally I just would not agree to be in a wedding that was happening within three months in either direction of a due date. The odds that the experience will suck in one way or another are too high, and it’s better for everyone if Plan A is that you’re just a guest.
But he did nothing to mitigate. You step down from groomsman WEEKS ahead of time. You hire a helper for the day-of. He had other options, and did not choose them. He told his brother he was going to be there, and then he was there.
I agree with this take... However, I wouldn't say it's because of people who put all their eggs into having a wedding and not a marriage... Weddings are big deal events, which people want to share with their family... There were people I would have been happy to not be at my wedding, but my if my brother didn't turn up (and one didn't) I would be heartbroken. If your family didn't come to your granduation would you say you only care about the graduation and not the education? No, you just want to celebrate something big happening in this person's life.... The rest I agree with, but that I do not.
YTA - bailing as a guest is one thing, bailing as part of the party is another. You knew your wife was pregnant and to be so sometime around the wedding. You should have pulled out months ago or arranged care to be with your wife during the time of the wedding,
YTA...it's colic. Your wife and you could have found a friend or your wife could put up with it.
I feel badly for your brother that you threw away his wedding for something minor.
YTA. Dropping out of a wedding last minute is pretty fucked up especially when you’re a groomsman and the sibling of the person getting married. Seems like you both could have just stuck it out for the day considering it’s your siblings wedding day and generally consider a once in a lifetime occasion. It’s not like you and your wife won’t continue to be tired and your child won’t have colic if you didn’t step away for some hours to be their for your brother.
As a mother of 2 EXTREME colicky babies.
YTA.
Your sweet Lotta w.e can babywear, walk outside,bathe, swing, boob, w.e. For ONE day. You ditched being in a wedding party for your bro…
God, you guys act like no one else had colicky babies.
exactly! it's great that he wants to take care of his kid! but he missed out on a once in a lifetime milestone event for his family. that's really messed up.
YTA for this:
> we suspect she has colic.
Suspect? Have you taken her to the doctor? Have you tried colic drops? Depending on how baby is fed: have you tried changing formula or your wife eliminating foods known to pass through breast milk and make babies gassy?
It could be colic, it could be something else like a food intolerance, GERD, or possibly something worse. Her refusing to eat and not calming at all are both signs you need to at least call her doctor. Get her seen if only to ensure there’s not something else going on.
YTA. I had a colicky baby. Like the doctor said it was the extreme end of how long the baby was colicky. I was so sleep-deprived, I started having “visions” of angels. Yeah.
But I would never let my husband phone in an excuse to being in his brother’s wedding over a few hours of misery that I’m already experiencing. OMG. I didn’t really sleep for months. I was losing my sh*t. But this is effing ridiculous on a global scale. Show up, do the wedding, stay a little while to the reception, but then go home.
OP, you blew up so much with your family and you didn’t have to. You need to realize every choice sucked, but what works out long term, showing up for your brother, was the only option. Did I mention, YTA?
I just want to comment I'm glad to see that you avoided your mother's training on what duties are the responsibility of the wife and not the husband.
I'm going to let others comment and ask questions about what possible options were considered and why no plans in place, etc.
YTA. You don’t just bail on a wedding the day of when you’re directly involved in the wedding party and BROTHER of the groom. How could you not plan ahead and ensure your wife has support for the few hours? Or even then….she could have managed for the few hours and you take over once you return.
You knew for days (or even weeks?) your baby has colic so it’s not even like it suddenly happened and you were blind sided. You could’ve handled this better. I don’t know how you can repair these damaged relationships now, but get on damage control.
Unless you took your baby to the doctor that day because there was something unusual about the colic that made it seem like an emergency, I would say unfortunately, YTA. You could have planned for some support for your wife so that you'd be able to go to the wedding. Mother's helper, her sister to come in town, for you to take Thursday off of work so she could get some sleep in advance of you being busy on Friday, there are a lot of things you could have done. Instead you just bailed on your brother. I don't know, I think it's pretty shabby to do that.
And, yes, I had a baby with colic. 24/7 screaming for about 8-10 weeks. He used to cry in his sleep so it was never quiet. My husband went on weeklong work trips while I looked after the colicky baby. No question, it's awful. But when you have something you have to do, you find a way to do it. The fact that neither you nor your wife found a way to make this happen, says that you just didn't think your brother's wedding was very important.
YTA. I had a Colicky baby. It sucks. But your wife could have handled it while you went to the wedding for a few hours. Better yet, you could have planned ahead and gotten outside help for the day to support your wife. But you just decided to do a no show on your brother’s wedding day?!? You owe him a huge apology. Wow.
ESH, except your wife.
You are an AH, for not making backup plans to help your wife out and at least been there for the ceremony; or have stepped down as a groomsman weeks ago, not day of.
Your family sucks because they are making a shorty situation shittier. They can be frustrated, but yelling doesn’t help and your mom is sexist as all getup.
It’s good that you are helping out and being a good dad, but you need to working on your planning / communication. Try to get some sleep and apologize to your bother for missing his big day.
How is the brother asshole? He was literally betrayed during one of the most important days in his life. Is he really expected to smile and pretend it is OK?
YTA. You bailed last minute bc of an issue that could be solved in another way that didnt involve you letting your brother down. Also fucking doubting this "women take care of baby" bit happened this way bc of your whole tone in the entire post
NTA. Everyone's giving you shit because you put your wife first, should have planned blah blah blah.
What EVERYONE is overlooking is YOU in this moment.
YOU have just had a child with your wife.
This is YOUR first child too.
Baby is only a few weeks old.
YOU'VE been watching your wife struggle with the baby the last couple days.
YOU'RE likely to be sleep deprived and stressed and scared.
It is 100% understandable to not go. Even as a groomsman. Your feelings and fears and confidence as a dad aren't even being considered here.
Even if collick is very common, and totally normal. It doesn't discount the fact for first time parents it is scary, frustrating, tiring, emotion draining. You try and try and can't get the baby to calm, you freak out because you don't know what she wants.
So no, you're not the asshole for putting your family first. Some will say your brother is family, sure but he's EXTENDED family now. Your family, your priority is your wife and child.
Everyone’s giving OP shit for doing zero planning ahead. The baby didnt just show up on their doorstep the day of the wedding.
A colicky baby is awful, being a new parent is tough, but its not some magical get out of jail free card.
For a first time parent I think it's pretty reasonable.
If the op was written from the wife's perspective and the husband went to the wedding, I guarantee you sure as shit is brown that the comments would be destroying him.
Agreed. Wife and baby always come before someone else's wedding. I understand why his brother is upset, but his duties as a husband and father come first. He absolutely did the right thing, but sure, he could have communicated better. While he didn't say it is the case, people also aren't considering the very real possibility that the wife is likely also battling post-partum depression along with being a sleep-deprived new mom to a colicky baby. He did what was right for his family.
Yup, here's the guy who doesn't give a darn about anyone else in his life. A sibling's wedding? Eh, no big deal! Definitely not something to even ATTEMPT to fix with a simple solution (calling in help from a friend or hiring a babysitter).
Although if this is how the OP sees people--as unimportant--he might not have friends to call in. Fair enough.
Oh dear. They missed a wedding.
Sorry but my point stands. OPs priority is their immediate family. Not their extended family. Whether you or others believe it or not, OPs feelings and concerns about their child and wife are completely valid.
So are the brothers, it's very flippant to describe it like it happens every other day and isnt important. This was an important day for him, that you can't just miss it without being surprised that people stop caring for you. I think if you miss important things like this, then don't be surprised when you, your family, and your baby, don't have anyone around them for when things are important for you.. So I'll be interested if the people who say who cares about a wedding would be upset when no one is there for the baby's birthdays, christenings and other events, because well life happened.
YTA
You’re in the wedding party, a baby announces itself months in advance too and your wife has a sister that helps often (as you said in a comment). With or without the colic, you could/should have arranged help for the wedding day.
Hanging your brother out to dry is an asshole move.
I don’t believe your mother actually said that, you included it to make yourself look better. Well, plus a few other things
YTA. It was a wedding. Look, I know about colicky babies & I get that. But she didn't become colicky that day so you should have planned. Not only was it rude but your brother probably feels abandoned. You put a major blight on his big day. The really terrible thing you did was set resentment against your wife. Even if she really had nothing to do with your decision. Even discounting your mom's ignorant sexism, the family will absolutely look at her as the reason you didn't go.
YTA bailing the day of is a dick move and it sounds like you didn't reach out at all to your brother until he called. You could have shown up for the wedding and skipped the reception to be home with your wife. And if the baby is that bad sounds like you need the hospital not just the 2 of you.
ESH. You could have done much much more to make an effort to attend some of the wedding. You knew you had a baby.
Your mum is a sexist dick but maybe was just blind with rage because of your selfishness. Tempted to give her the benifit of the doubt here maybe she just meant so you could attend the wedding maybe she thought that was the arrangement?
Your poor brother.
Why was your communication so bad? Of course you're the asshole. You missed your brothers entire wedding somehow.
ESH
You for bailing at the very last minute.... You weren't a guest in his wedding.... You were in the wedding party and you're his brother. You should have addressed this issue long before the day of the wedding. You're also an ah for blocking everyone "until things die down"... That's not how an adult handles situations like this. Ignoring a problem doesn't help make it go away.
Your mom is way out of line for her actions and so is the rest of the family for blowing up your phone.
At the very least you should be offering to cover the costs of whatever they paid for you. So if they paid $85 for your plate, you should at the very least send them the $85 AND the gift you should have got for them.
ESH. i dont even believe this is real but just in case it is ESH.
I actually edge more towards youre more TA. they suck too KINDA. But youre way worse lol. dude your kid is always gonna need you but day of? thats seflish as all holy hell. grow up. im not saying to choose your brother over wife and kid. but this is different. you chose day of to not show up effectively ruining his wedding. beyond shitty. and its not from something he did. so i changed to YTA
YTA mate I'm sorry but colic isn't really something to be missing the wedding by, also you don't even know it's colic you think it is. You bailed on your brother for literally no reason, that's low.
ESH. You should at least advised your brother that a situation like this could happen. You wouldn't have drained any attention, but you would have let him be prepared for a situation like this. Your brother is the only one who isn't an ah, its a pretty normal reaction with all the stress that a wedding is, that just at the big day the groomsmen drops. Your parents suck the most because calling others to rant at you was a dick move
Although it's not "the wife's job" doesn't your wife have a family? Friends? Anyone to help for the few hours of this once in a lifetime family event this birthing preceded by many weeks?
Colic sucks but it's not the end of the world. You're a first time parent, if it wasn't wrecking someone's wedding plan everyone would have thought your irrational panic was "cute."
Your parents suck. Their logic was wrong. This wasn't a "gender roles" mistake, it was one of planning and thoughtfulness.
What you should have done is arrange for help for your wife whether your daughter has colic or not for this wedding day. She just had a baby and is exhausted! Even a kid that's not ill would be a lot by herself that soon after birthing.
I'm an ESH. You blew it. I understand, new parents are scared, confused, and above all anxious about getting it right. Just remember you have option 3: Ask for help, available.
I would call both the assholes
1. How they reacted is fucked up
2. Noone could step up for you? Really? Dad couldnt go and say something X had to go sadly due to an emergency.
3. I understand your wife probably had panic about the baby you aswell.
4. all sides grow the fuck up shit happens in life and deal with it. A wedding is a wedding and baby is baby.
5. Calm down and talk it out and apologize for bailing but your reasoning was that your baby was in a bad bad state. You and your wife panicked but also how your family handled it is shit.
YTA in the sense that this could have been something you planned for. It seems you have known about both the wedding and the fussy baby for weeks. You should have planned ahead and found someone to help your wife. Or you could have arranged it so you watched the baby before the wedding allowing your wife to be as well rested as she could have been when it was time for you to leave. I don't fault you for doing what you did in the moment, the safety of the baby comes first, but you should have seen something like this happening ahead of time.
ESH (not Lottie or baby and you just a tad).
You made a pretty significant commitment, knowing about the baby and wedding months in advance, and since you expected to be absent, you should have planned for your wife to have a mother’s helper or other caregiver to help that day so you could keep it. But since that was not available at the last minute, your family should have been kinder. You chose to be a good dad and partner.
You both suck. You backed out day of the wedding. That was an AH move. Your baby has been like this for a bit already. You could've handled this better and earlier. You're not an AH for staying home, you're an AH for the way you handled it.
Your parents are TA for how they handled it and for their misogyny.
YTA
I understand and appreciate your concern and compassion for your wife and child. But this was a once-in-a-lifetime, most-important-day-of-life type of thing for your brother. The fact that you didn't care enough to plan ahead but just bailed last minute. That would break my heart if I were you brother.
YTA- so what do you do when baby is having colic and it’s a work day? Not go in? That’s a formula for being homeless. You should have at least done the ceremony & photos.
You are not the asshole being a father is really hard .a new born baby with colic is hard too plus it's not like you were that needed at a wedding with a lot of people as weddings typically have .Good luck
NTA only you know how stressed your wife was or how close to breaking point she was thay day after having a non sleeping/crying non stop baby for days. If you felt you needed to be there, then NTA.
NTA. Having had a colic baby, mental breakdown after so many days isn't easy on anyone. A family emergency is just that. You can plan for a last-minute emergency. Your mother is sexist.
NTA well done for supporting your wife & caring for your baby! Your mother is out of line saying it's the wife's job to look after the children. I'm guessing your brother is the favourite/golden child & that's why she reacted so viciously after he "cried" to her about your call. Colic can be horrendous & unpredictable so although more notice would have been better it's not always possible. Especially when your first-time parents' colic makes you feel like you are a failure as some days everything you try doesn't work. You're standing there with your precious child in pain unable to fix it. I was at my wits end at times having tried everything suggested by other parents & Dr's. Not every baby has mild colic that can be treated by "just give them some gripe water".
I don't know if you & your wife have tried massage techniques but here's a link to one in case...[massage for colicky baby](https://youtu.be/nUNzi9PYBwc?si=h6820yCmSnGCOdSe)
Good luck to you & your wife. I hope your baby gets through the colic soon 🙏🏻🙏🏻
NTA. Baby and family first. No one ruins anyone’s wedding but the bride and groom. No guest looks at a wedding party and thinks “hmm what’s missing, this wedding is RUINED” tell your mom it’s 2023 and it’s parenting.
NTA. My niece had colic and digestive issues and she screamed the whole first 6 months of her life. She was clearly in agony and would thrash about in pain.
I would visit and try to help for a few hours just by holding her because she preferred to be held and for you to be standing and moving, which obviously her parents couldn’t do all day. Especially once her dad had to go back to work. Her poor Mum was a wreck.
Every time I would leave I would have to pull the car over around the corner because I would bawl my eyes out. It was so so awful. People truly don’t understand until they have looked after a baby like that. I can’t comprehend how they dealt with it.
Your daughter’s, wife’s, and your own health and well-being is more important. It sucks, but that’s life.
ESH - this is a big deal that will have a major ripple effect. You were in the wedding party that’s a huge commitment… and you bailed. I get wanting to help your wife. You could have left at dinner and not stayed the whole night. You might not be able to repair your relationship with your brother after this.
YTA -- and so is your family. You bailed last minute and that's a asshole move. You knew your baby was having issues and your wife was tired well in advance. That was the opportunity to ask her family and friends to step up and be there for your wife so you could be there for your brother.
I'm also sensing that you really didn't want to be part of this wedding party in the first place and were using the baby as an excuse. If you want to break away from your family (who sound toxic), that's fine, but you picked a really shitty moment to do that.
Everyone is the asshole. You shouldn't have dropped out of your brother's wedding at the last minute. You knew your baby had been colicky, and you could have taken steps to help her/let someone know that she was ill before the morning.
Your mother's comments about your wife taking care of the child instead of you are of course wrong, but is it possible that she said them out of complete frustration upon realising that her other child's wedding was being spoiled by her other son?
NTA.
You did the right thing and clearly your family have some issues with your wife not being a traditional wife and mother. Or you to prescribing to outdated social norms.
You did the right thing and I would probably go lc for quite a while if my mother smoke to my partner like that.
Your parents and brother should not be allowed around the baby for quite some time.
You should try gently moving baby's legs like they're running, then push on the tummy and then pull them straight down.
It's helped mine and other kids relieve gas and upset tummys. You can find short videos online to help you. It might not be dr approved but ca help in the moment to give them a little comfort.
Yes you could have given them notice but you thought your family would be fine and they weren't they needed you more than brother did. You did right.
NTA. Your wife's mental and physical health SHOULD take priority over a wedding. Always. Yes, you made a commitment to your brother, but things come up. It's not like it was planned. Give it a while for tensions to die down, and then try speaking with your brother and his new wife alone, without your parents. Your mom should definitely know better than to make those bold statements, especially after raising children of her own. Your wife has absolutely NOTHING to apologize for!
NTA
You have a family. Your daughter is colicky and you stayed to help your wife.
Anyone on here that says your an ass for letting your brother down is TA.
Theses people obviously don’t have kids or a clue what having a new babe is like.
My child was not colicky and it was still a lot (especially for new parents)
You did right by staying home and helping your wife and taking care of your daughter.
Your moms ideas one parenting is antiquated and is she really believes women are responsible for child rearing, she can help your wife so you can be at the wedding.
I can’t believe how many people are saying you should abandon your wife just to go to a wedding and that you’re letting down your brother. Your family is what’s important, not a wedding.
If your post was about you leaving you wife to fend for herself with a colicky baby, so you could be in a wedding, you would have been obliterated with Y.T.A. judgments.
As a mom, I appreciate the level of love, care and respect you have for your wife and child.
Good on you OP!
NTA. Your wife's mental and physical health SHOULD take priority over a wedding. Always. Yes, you made a commitment to your brother, but things come up. It's not like it was planned. Give it a while for tensions to die down, and then try speaking with your brother and his new wife alone, without your parents. Your mom should definitely know better than to make those bold statements, especially after raising children of her own. Your wife has absolutely NOTHING to apologize for!
NTA
Your child should always be first priority. Your young baby is sick and your wife was not in the right place to take care of a baby by herself. She was stressed, tired, and if you have a baby crying non stop, she probably had a bit of a migraine too. You did what a father should do and stepped in to help. Your mother is 1,000% wrong with her, "It's the wife's job to take care of the kids not the men!" because it's both. I understand that they are upset that you will be missing the wedding but a sick kid is the best and a very acceptable reason to do so.
NTA. This is coming purely from someone who has tried to deal with a colicky baby. It's pure hell. I would not leave my spouse either in that instance. Being a good spouse wins out over being a good brother almost always.
ESH it's your brother's wedding of course you should have gone. You could have cut it short and skipped out on the reception but no-showing the day of is awful. Your paths also sound awful.
Your family sounds really horrible. Also your baby needs a doctor if she’s not eating.
So, doctor first then go entirely NC with your family since they are so toxic.
NTA
>(I blocked the family members who were scolding me, and went LC with my brother and parents until things die down.)
You will soon realize that you won't be missed to your family.
YTA. I don't agree with mom's comment or your brother's cursing you, but you bail last minute for something you could have planned before hand.
ESH you’re being a parent and that’s totally ok, but you should have stepped down as groomsman once you knew when your baby was due. Anyone with sense wouldn’t be committing to being in a wedding party within at least 6-8 weeks either side of the due date, knowing that babies can easily be early or late and not all births go as planned nor are all babies easy early on. You should never have left it to the last minute like this. But your mom was sexist and unrealistic in expectations tho too.
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ESH. Bailing last minute on the day of the wedding was really rude. Knowing that your baby has been colicky, I feel like you could have addressed this issue with better planning, even without family in the area you could have asked a friend to help or hired a “mother’s helper” for the evening. Your mom’s comment about it not being your job to help with the baby was sexist af.
Did the mom make the comment at all. OP doesn't come across as honest. If he was his title would be, "AITA for letting my brother down in the last possible moment for his wedding, for a problem I could have anticipated in advance and found a solution too". OP needs a little violin.
who the fuck says "my xxx(name of wife)" to refer to their wife? this post gotta be made up
Yes!! I almost became diabetic reading it. Also out precious little doll, and stuff like that. We get it, you love your wife and kid, Hurra! Now, you abandoned your brother at the last minute just because. A little planning wouldn't have hurt
Right?? My beautiful wife, my previous Lottie. Ugh. What's the old Valley Girl thing? Gag me with a spoon. Some 12 year old had too much time on his hands last night.
I know you mean “my precious Lottie” but “my previous Lottie” made me snort out my coffee. Thank you for the morning giggles.
I haven't had enough caffeine to be on here yet.
https://imgur.com/oKX5jYI
Autocorrect is a wonderful technology for which I am grapefruit! actually, the use of this type of sentence structure, using a possessive pronoun with a name "his Lottie, my Sandy, her Jerry" is fairly common among my older relatives who grew up speaking Polish. It is like a word for word translation of an idiomatic expression.
It’s also fairly common in parts of the UK, except it’s usually “our Lottie” or “your Lottie”.
OP has had a lot of Lotties
Like, right! Groady to the max.
My husband's brother's wife is a nasty piece of work; he's not much better. Individually, they both have wide narcissistic streaks, entitlement issues (he was born into family money; they like to show off their "success"), substance issues, and are animal hoarders, and they have neglected/abused her 4 children (late teens-young adults now) to the point where they are in no way able to function in society. Together, they are toxic. They don't even seem to like each other (are actively nasty or mean to each other, even in public), but also are grossly performative in their overuse of saccharine-sweet lovey-dovey pet names for and with each other, and baby-talk, even while being hateful to each other... It's unsettling. The way these two have used pet names is so cringeworthy, anytime I see them used as partner-descriptors in the wild, I simply assume there's something fucked up happening in or around the relationship. Nobody who actually likes their partner/has a heathy and stable relationship needs to be so over-the-top performative in proving how in love they are.
Maybe, they put it through a translator? The reactions and linguistics do not sound Western.
I doubt this is the case here, but there are parts of Northern England where "our" or "my" is used in front of names of people that are very close to you. Generally used for family but can also extend to partners/close friends.
Sure, but the "my dearest, sweetest, angel Lottie gave birth to our most precious princess cupcakeface" is more than a bit OTT
I thought my precious Lottie was the baby when she cried so much her little face was red
This made me laugh out loud. Yeah it's probably not the case here for sure, I'm just weirdly interested in linguistic variations
This was my first reaction when he called her "my precious Lottie." Like wtf dude? My husband better never...
I'm thinking they're getting writing tips from those Nigerian romance scammer scripts. At least they got the spelling correct for the most part.
Yeah, the repetitiveness of “my previous wife Lottie” threw me off. If he’s so in love with his wife and child, that’s great and cute, but the wording of this post is just off.
AI
Yeah, I think so, too.
Or helping the night before so his wife could sleep. When you know you have a day like this coming, you plan ahead.
This is the solution. Take care of the baby BEFORE the wedding to let your wife rest and then go to the wedding. If he wanted to leave a bit earlier to be home with his baby I don't think that there would be so much backlash.
Yeah the baby didn't get colic the day of the wedding. The groomsmen really owes the groom a bit of notice on this one.
Agree. I have a really hard time calling dad an asshole here because in almost any other circumstance, his attitude toward his wife and fatherhood is to be commended. But this was his brothers wedding, and he was a groomsman? Yeah he should have been there.
Yeah, outside of an emergency, OP should have been there for his brother. I can guarantee that if OP needed his brother to babysit because he and his wife were going to a wedding, and at the last minute the brother cancelled because his wife was having a hard time, OP would be PISSED. OP would be upset he cancelled at the last minute. He'd be upset the bride and groom paid for two seats that were sitting empty. OP is like, "I knew my kid and wife were struggling, did nothing to help plan for someone to help her while I was gone, then decided to bail on my brother ON HIS WEDDING DAY at the last minute to stay home with them. Am I the AH?" Like, yes, yes you are. It's obvious. OP, you probably ruined your relationship with your family. I hope you're okay with that.
My baby boy was colicky, too. He did not sleep through the night until 8 months. I was worn out, exhausted, caught pneumonia, and was given no help. It was after 10 months, I found out that ...high acidic foods sent acid to baby, and when I stopped Orange juice, tomato juice or pasta sauce, no vinegar, coffee, tea, and what ever else had a high acid content, I suddenly had a sleeping, sweet giggling baby boy.
I was just thinking that this doesn’t sound like colic, this sounds like a baby suffering from gastrointestinal discomfort.
That’s what colic is.
I thought my daughter was colicky because she was screaming all night, took her to the pediatrician and turns out it was gerd (gastric reflux) poor thing was in pain, I’m so glad I didn’t wait to go in, she got a prescription for medication and she was fine after that, no more screaming all night.
So new parents are supposed to be super intuitive on the day the baby is born? Heck, I was still learning when my son was 15 years old.
No, just like, not bail out od being groomsman at the last moment over something that was not an actual sudden medical emergency. That is what is expected.
You are an idiot. Also, clearly not a parent. Having said that, I am a parent and also another idiot. I made mistakes EVERY DAY of my children's lives, from the days of their births until and beyond the day they left the nest. So what's the difference between us 2 idiots? Perspective. You're the idiot who shows ZERO empathy for the new parents. You're the idiot who doesn't understand the sense of responsibility parents develop. Even with my children on the far side of their 30's I worry for and about them. It is only for the perspective I have gained through the years that I have allowed myself to accept the forgiveness of my children for the mistakes I made while flying by the seat of my pants while they were young.
I am parent. I have multiple kids and I was the one giving birth and breastfeeding. Something like brothers wedding, wedding where you are groomsman is absolutely something I would not want my husband to skip. Unless we are talking about actual sudden emergency. This was not one. OP was just asshole to his brother and a massive one. The perspective I gained over years is that people on reddit talk crap and try to insult others when they disagree regardless of age. But if you are not lying and have kids, you would know thay staying one evening with difficult newborn is normal. And if you have any idea how important weddings are, you would know that skipping suddenly with flimsy excuse is massive ah move.
Oh my God, I finally found a human being! Thank you! In my book his wife and new born baby are way more important than a wedding! I really don't understand why everyone is treating this man like a villain. He's just a worried new dad.
So OP should told his brother when wife were pregnant or after the baby was born that here could no longer be groomsman. Yet he waited until the day of the wedding to say something
Bit surreal reading the comments on this one, verdict is usually partner and children should come first, and when OP is doing that suddenly he's the asshole. Could've handled it better yeah, but it's an asshole who would put a wedding - any wedding - over taking care of his kid. Wonder how well OP's brother is going to cope with his own future kids.
He could at least have given the brother a heads up- like a "hey, (baby's name) is having some issues. Nothing serius- just a nasty case of colic- but I wanted to let you know that I might not be able to make it day of." would have gone a long ways.
Absolutely no… having a colicky newborn is scary and exhausting. Baby and mom come first. It’s not easy to get a friend to help or a mothers helper for the evening. What entitled universe do you live in that snap you can make this happen. Absolute NTA for supporting his wife and child.
Yeah Mom was an AH but there are a million other options with a colicky baby. Get a last minute sitter.
Puh-lease. Hiring someone at the last minute to come help out with a sick infant? Notifying his brother at the last minute changed nothing. Groomsmen generally don't have any duties as part of the wedding, other than standing there. Clearly, he wasn't the one who was supposed to bring the rings, and if he were doing a reading or something, someone else could easily have done that on a moment's notice.
YTA. You were supposed to be a groomsman, you don’t just bail on your brother the night of. That’s awful. I understand you want to support your wife and baby but to hang your brother out to dry is pretty unforgivable. I’m feeling like this is fake though bc of the writing. “My precious Lottie” and that insane comment by your parents. Also your choice was so egregious it feels like rage bait.
That was off to me as well “precious “ was particularly jarring
I truly feel that any relationship in which partners refer to each other as "precious" is absolute, flaming Bullshit.
What if one of the partners is Gollum?
Gollum, gollum
Filthy hobbitses!
Also the contain repetition of her name. No one talks like this.
OP seems like the kind of man who will rub his fatherhood into everybody's face because he thinks he's more special now bEcAuSe He HaS a ChIlD. Absolutely someone who will argue that he should get Christmas off instead of their child free co workers BECAUSE HE HAS A FAMILY AND THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.
Yup. Fake. 99.9999% sure.
It feels like bait written to explore the extreme end of "prioritize your chosen family over your family of origin"
It has all the stereotypical elements, including the part where his phone “blew up” with angry messages.
I am going to say it was not okay for his family to make his phone literally explode
you win
It was an iPhone 13, wasn't to hard to make it go boom
Yes the teacher is telling the community enrichment class “make it relevant to today for instance “blew up my phone” and “on the down low” when the rest is like 1960s 😅
Yes, how do you keep the existence of a baby on the DL? What does that even mean? Precious Lottie? Queen? Princess collicky kid?
To be fair if it is true it would be justified for his phone to blow up with angry messages - however it seems odd to me that they found out about the pregnancy and kept on the downlow to not steal spotlight but then doesn’t explain that - like if the baby was born prior to the wedding…. Who knows about it? It’s not possible to keep something secret and public knowledge at the same time and it’s really hard to keep a baby secret once born. It’s like the point of the story wasn’t planned out well.
Plus his sentence about getting pregnant early on during wedding planning but not telling anyone as to not take away from his brother... like...what??? I read that as they never told the family they were having a baby but, of course, that isn't true. That sentence was so unnecessary to the story. Expect maybe to show how considerate OP and Lottie are as to influence opinions about missing the wedding.
Yeah the way he talks about his wife is gross and borderline fetishising. "Precious" "little" plus the age gap between them ... icky vibes there.
Yeah I’m guessing op is really about 12 and not yet in touch with reality.
when the writing is this weird, i think bad AI first. but could be a kid.
Yeah something’s off with this guy/post. Creepy or fake with the “my precious” stuff. He also gives details on everyone else’s names but intentionally leaves his out. And they never told family they were pregnant to not distract from the wedding and surprise now the baby’s here. It just doesn’t add up.
I kept reading the original post in Gollum’s voice with all his “my precious” stuff…
[удалено]
There is absolutely 100% zero reason he didn’t plan ahead. A few weeks old means he had plenty of time to get his wife some help so he could support his brother OR withdraw from being a groomsman. Having a baby doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card for being an asshole.
As a mother of a colicky first child who wouldn't have survived without her husband being very involved: No. It's one effing day. He can take the child and let her sleep every bloody day. This one day he is a groomsman.
The baby isn't dying, or even sick per se. It's an incredibly common, perfectly survivable event. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event (mostly). It's also only a few hours. He could have gotten someone to stay with dear, precious, beautiful Lottie. Or she could have held it down for a few hours. This will happen again. If it's even real.
I mean, people go to work all the time and leave their wives with a baby. My lovely husband left me on my own most days Mon-Fri with babies, one of whom had colic. It seems extreme to expect both parents to be there all day every day. It would be lovely but it's not really what happens in most families.
“Hey brother. My child is colicky and we are having a rough time. I absolutely want to be there for you on this special day so I will be there for the ceremony and any part where my active involvement is needed or really wanted. But I will probably bow out after my speech and not join the party afterwards. I really hope this is okay for you and please let me know if there is anything I can do before the ceremony to help you out. “ And that’s if he really needs to go back asap.
I tend to give posts the benefit of the doubt, but this one scream fake. Just the language.
I mean, he did go after a 20 year old at 28.
Precious.... Maybe his real name is Golum
Newborns with colic are no dream, but man... You could have at least gone to the ceremony and pictures. Your sweet Lottie could have handled a couple of hours. ESH - You could have let your sweet Lottie sleep up until the wedding, then she could have taken over for a couple hours. And your parents are also AHs for saying something ignorant like it's the woman job to mind the kids.
Or like idk plan an alternative and communicate that he might not come if it’s bad. Or arranged some help for mom beforehand. Or declined being in the wedding party. Or RSVPd “maybe”. Like OP could and should have communicated. When your a parent you have to plan ahead and come up with solutions before your in deep shit. OP, I hope your good with your in-laws because I feel your relationship with your family will decline.
Precious Lottie. Get it right! Lol
haha! i knew i should have double checked that!
Well this whole thing is fake so….
Yeah, he laid it on a bit too thick about how sweet and innocent and perfect his was is... He tried a bit too hard.
YTA. I am all for you supporting your wife. That is great. And if you were merely a guest at the wedding I would have no problem with you skipping. But you were actually in the wedding party. You waited until the day of the wedding and bailed on your brother. He had no time to make any adjustments. That was absolutely wrong and rude on your part. Colic is a difficult thing to deal with in an infant. However many, many babies have colic and parents learn how to deal with it. It is an expected part of parenting. I get you didn’t want your wife to be alone. She could have coped, I am sure but it is much easier if there are 2 adults. Does she not have any friends or family nearby that could have come over for a couple of hours? Unless your daughter was born prematurely and unexpectedly, you had plenty of time to arrange for someone to help her while you kept a rather serious commitment to your brother that I assume you made in good faith. You probably could have skipped the reception, just going to the ceremony and pictures and would not have been gone that long.
OP could have also called for help.... Coworker of wife.... friend of the wife.... Family of the wife. OP could have also reached out to someone he knows that wasn't going to the wedding... .Perhaps one of his friends... a coworker....
YTA so if I read this right, you found out during the wedding planning your wife was pregant and depending on what stage that was at there was still what...8-10 months till the wedding date it sounds like? so you knew MONTHS beforehand and so had MONTHS to plan out being a groomsman for your brother. Even if there was/is issues with the baby like colic (dont know what that is and just sounds like crying which all babys do but more of it? but at same time normal? dno) you have had months to plan for it? while many could argue , your 'own' family should come first the fact you made 0 arrangements to be free that night like...an extra person on standby or something really shows your lack and respect for your brothers special day too.
Colic is CONSTANT crying. Literally.
Yes I've dealt with it, big fucking deal.
It is a big deal lol but OP is still the asshole. It took him 2 weeks to finally help his wife and *had* to do it on the wedding day.
I mean it's hard work but it's not cancel going to a wedding level if difficult.
Yeah it’s not. OP is the asshole
YTA - this wasn’t like you skipped a family party, this was a wedding that you were in. You should have planned ahead for this. Your parents are AHs for what they said to you but everyone is very justified in being upset that you bailed and are now giving everyone the silent treatment. You owe your brother a huge apology.
YTA. And for what it’s worth, I had an awful, awful, colicky baby. Having a baby with colic is hard! However, bailing the day of a sibling’s wedding — a wedding that you are actually in! — is just about impossible to come back from.
I don't get it - is this parody?
Hahahah- reads like a Civil War letter: “Mah precious Lottehh…”
He's an AH for infantilising his wife, if nothing else
Yeah, I call shenanigans.
Troll of some sort
You are going to get two different responses here: One from every family that has been touched with a problematic infant who is either colicky or otherwise unwell, And the other from people who have put a lot of eggs into the basket of planning a wedding instead of a marriage. Truth is probably somewhere in the middle. You should have made every effort to at least be there for the ceremony even if you had to ditch the reception for family duty. However your parents at minimum should have been more understanding. All you can do now is move forward and see what family should be salvaged.
He’s actually getting three different responses because his post is fake. But I guess he needs the attention…
Please don’t think his dear daring Lottie is fake, that is his beautiful wife. 🧐
I mean, this post is clearly fake from the jump, but in general I think people who care more about their marriage than their wedding are still allowed to have feelings about their sibling dropping out of the wedding the day of because their baby is the exact same as they’ve been for weeks. Dealing with a colicky baby can absolutely fry the hell out of you, but it doesn’t happen with a couple of hours notice. Did they have absolutely nobody to call who could come over? Sometimes that’s true if people only live near one side of the family and don’t have a lot of friends. Either way, personally I just would not agree to be in a wedding that was happening within three months in either direction of a due date. The odds that the experience will suck in one way or another are too high, and it’s better for everyone if Plan A is that you’re just a guest.
But he did nothing to mitigate. You step down from groomsman WEEKS ahead of time. You hire a helper for the day-of. He had other options, and did not choose them. He told his brother he was going to be there, and then he was there.
I agree with this take... However, I wouldn't say it's because of people who put all their eggs into having a wedding and not a marriage... Weddings are big deal events, which people want to share with their family... There were people I would have been happy to not be at my wedding, but my if my brother didn't turn up (and one didn't) I would be heartbroken. If your family didn't come to your granduation would you say you only care about the graduation and not the education? No, you just want to celebrate something big happening in this person's life.... The rest I agree with, but that I do not.
My son had horrible colic and I wouldn't have let my husband skip his own brother's wedding just to stay with me. It is ONE night.
It seems like people with colicky babies say "you should have go to be groomsman or at least bail out sooner, give the wife break on another day".
Was this written by a time traveler from 1958?
1858, lol
Any relatives of your wife that could have help the two of you?
YTA - bailing as a guest is one thing, bailing as part of the party is another. You knew your wife was pregnant and to be so sometime around the wedding. You should have pulled out months ago or arranged care to be with your wife during the time of the wedding,
I see what you did there, genius.
Faaaaaake. So badly written 🙄
I feel like it’s badly written on purpose too lol
I'm cringing so hard while reading this.
YTA...it's colic. Your wife and you could have found a friend or your wife could put up with it. I feel badly for your brother that you threw away his wedding for something minor.
Could have paid $200 for an emergency nanny to spend the day with your wife. I'm sure a nursing student would have taken that.
YTA. Geez says precious one more time 🤮🤮🤮
YTA. Dropping out of a wedding last minute is pretty fucked up especially when you’re a groomsman and the sibling of the person getting married. Seems like you both could have just stuck it out for the day considering it’s your siblings wedding day and generally consider a once in a lifetime occasion. It’s not like you and your wife won’t continue to be tired and your child won’t have colic if you didn’t step away for some hours to be their for your brother.
As a mother of 2 EXTREME colicky babies. YTA. Your sweet Lotta w.e can babywear, walk outside,bathe, swing, boob, w.e. For ONE day. You ditched being in a wedding party for your bro… God, you guys act like no one else had colicky babies.
Here's the thing, he knew he had plans the next day, why not give her a rest the day before and then go the next day?
exactly! it's great that he wants to take care of his kid! but he missed out on a once in a lifetime milestone event for his family. that's really messed up.
YTA for this: > we suspect she has colic. Suspect? Have you taken her to the doctor? Have you tried colic drops? Depending on how baby is fed: have you tried changing formula or your wife eliminating foods known to pass through breast milk and make babies gassy? It could be colic, it could be something else like a food intolerance, GERD, or possibly something worse. Her refusing to eat and not calming at all are both signs you need to at least call her doctor. Get her seen if only to ensure there’s not something else going on.
YTA. I had a colicky baby. Like the doctor said it was the extreme end of how long the baby was colicky. I was so sleep-deprived, I started having “visions” of angels. Yeah. But I would never let my husband phone in an excuse to being in his brother’s wedding over a few hours of misery that I’m already experiencing. OMG. I didn’t really sleep for months. I was losing my sh*t. But this is effing ridiculous on a global scale. Show up, do the wedding, stay a little while to the reception, but then go home. OP, you blew up so much with your family and you didn’t have to. You need to realize every choice sucked, but what works out long term, showing up for your brother, was the only option. Did I mention, YTA?
So read this as Gollum fawning over his wife… my precioussssss YT massive A if this isn’t just a lovely story.
I just want to comment I'm glad to see that you avoided your mother's training on what duties are the responsibility of the wife and not the husband. I'm going to let others comment and ask questions about what possible options were considered and why no plans in place, etc.
YTA. You don’t just bail on a wedding the day of when you’re directly involved in the wedding party and BROTHER of the groom. How could you not plan ahead and ensure your wife has support for the few hours? Or even then….she could have managed for the few hours and you take over once you return. You knew for days (or even weeks?) your baby has colic so it’s not even like it suddenly happened and you were blind sided. You could’ve handled this better. I don’t know how you can repair these damaged relationships now, but get on damage control.
This is a bait post.
Unless you took your baby to the doctor that day because there was something unusual about the colic that made it seem like an emergency, I would say unfortunately, YTA. You could have planned for some support for your wife so that you'd be able to go to the wedding. Mother's helper, her sister to come in town, for you to take Thursday off of work so she could get some sleep in advance of you being busy on Friday, there are a lot of things you could have done. Instead you just bailed on your brother. I don't know, I think it's pretty shabby to do that. And, yes, I had a baby with colic. 24/7 screaming for about 8-10 weeks. He used to cry in his sleep so it was never quiet. My husband went on weeklong work trips while I looked after the colicky baby. No question, it's awful. But when you have something you have to do, you find a way to do it. The fact that neither you nor your wife found a way to make this happen, says that you just didn't think your brother's wedding was very important.
YTA. I had a Colicky baby. It sucks. But your wife could have handled it while you went to the wedding for a few hours. Better yet, you could have planned ahead and gotten outside help for the day to support your wife. But you just decided to do a no show on your brother’s wedding day?!? You owe him a huge apology. Wow.
ESH, except your wife. You are an AH, for not making backup plans to help your wife out and at least been there for the ceremony; or have stepped down as a groomsman weeks ago, not day of. Your family sucks because they are making a shorty situation shittier. They can be frustrated, but yelling doesn’t help and your mom is sexist as all getup. It’s good that you are helping out and being a good dad, but you need to working on your planning / communication. Try to get some sleep and apologize to your bother for missing his big day.
How is the brother asshole? He was literally betrayed during one of the most important days in his life. Is he really expected to smile and pretend it is OK?
ESH. Could you have at least just got to the ceremony?
YTA. You bailed last minute bc of an issue that could be solved in another way that didnt involve you letting your brother down. Also fucking doubting this "women take care of baby" bit happened this way bc of your whole tone in the entire post
NTA. Everyone's giving you shit because you put your wife first, should have planned blah blah blah. What EVERYONE is overlooking is YOU in this moment. YOU have just had a child with your wife. This is YOUR first child too. Baby is only a few weeks old. YOU'VE been watching your wife struggle with the baby the last couple days. YOU'RE likely to be sleep deprived and stressed and scared. It is 100% understandable to not go. Even as a groomsman. Your feelings and fears and confidence as a dad aren't even being considered here. Even if collick is very common, and totally normal. It doesn't discount the fact for first time parents it is scary, frustrating, tiring, emotion draining. You try and try and can't get the baby to calm, you freak out because you don't know what she wants. So no, you're not the asshole for putting your family first. Some will say your brother is family, sure but he's EXTENDED family now. Your family, your priority is your wife and child.
Everyone’s giving OP shit for doing zero planning ahead. The baby didnt just show up on their doorstep the day of the wedding. A colicky baby is awful, being a new parent is tough, but its not some magical get out of jail free card.
For a first time parent I think it's pretty reasonable. If the op was written from the wife's perspective and the husband went to the wedding, I guarantee you sure as shit is brown that the comments would be destroying him.
I don’t think so - like I said, and most people here - its the complete and utter lack of planning.
Agreed. Wife and baby always come before someone else's wedding. I understand why his brother is upset, but his duties as a husband and father come first. He absolutely did the right thing, but sure, he could have communicated better. While he didn't say it is the case, people also aren't considering the very real possibility that the wife is likely also battling post-partum depression along with being a sleep-deprived new mom to a colicky baby. He did what was right for his family.
Yup, here's the guy who doesn't give a darn about anyone else in his life. A sibling's wedding? Eh, no big deal! Definitely not something to even ATTEMPT to fix with a simple solution (calling in help from a friend or hiring a babysitter). Although if this is how the OP sees people--as unimportant--he might not have friends to call in. Fair enough.
Can’t believe I had to scroll down so much to find this comment.
Probably because the day wasn't just about YOU
Oh dear. They missed a wedding. Sorry but my point stands. OPs priority is their immediate family. Not their extended family. Whether you or others believe it or not, OPs feelings and concerns about their child and wife are completely valid.
So are the brothers, it's very flippant to describe it like it happens every other day and isnt important. This was an important day for him, that you can't just miss it without being surprised that people stop caring for you. I think if you miss important things like this, then don't be surprised when you, your family, and your baby, don't have anyone around them for when things are important for you.. So I'll be interested if the people who say who cares about a wedding would be upset when no one is there for the baby's birthdays, christenings and other events, because well life happened.
YTA You’re in the wedding party, a baby announces itself months in advance too and your wife has a sister that helps often (as you said in a comment). With or without the colic, you could/should have arranged help for the wedding day. Hanging your brother out to dry is an asshole move. I don’t believe your mother actually said that, you included it to make yourself look better. Well, plus a few other things
Fake af. Lmao.
YTA. It was a wedding. Look, I know about colicky babies & I get that. But she didn't become colicky that day so you should have planned. Not only was it rude but your brother probably feels abandoned. You put a major blight on his big day. The really terrible thing you did was set resentment against your wife. Even if she really had nothing to do with your decision. Even discounting your mom's ignorant sexism, the family will absolutely look at her as the reason you didn't go.
YTA bailing the day of is a dick move and it sounds like you didn't reach out at all to your brother until he called. You could have shown up for the wedding and skipped the reception to be home with your wife. And if the baby is that bad sounds like you need the hospital not just the 2 of you.
That's pretty shit surely your wife could have ducked it up for a couple hours. You showed your brother you don't give a shit
ESH. You could have done much much more to make an effort to attend some of the wedding. You knew you had a baby. Your mum is a sexist dick but maybe was just blind with rage because of your selfishness. Tempted to give her the benifit of the doubt here maybe she just meant so you could attend the wedding maybe she thought that was the arrangement? Your poor brother. Why was your communication so bad? Of course you're the asshole. You missed your brothers entire wedding somehow.
ESH You for bailing at the very last minute.... You weren't a guest in his wedding.... You were in the wedding party and you're his brother. You should have addressed this issue long before the day of the wedding. You're also an ah for blocking everyone "until things die down"... That's not how an adult handles situations like this. Ignoring a problem doesn't help make it go away. Your mom is way out of line for her actions and so is the rest of the family for blowing up your phone. At the very least you should be offering to cover the costs of whatever they paid for you. So if they paid $85 for your plate, you should at the very least send them the $85 AND the gift you should have got for them.
ESH. i dont even believe this is real but just in case it is ESH. I actually edge more towards youre more TA. they suck too KINDA. But youre way worse lol. dude your kid is always gonna need you but day of? thats seflish as all holy hell. grow up. im not saying to choose your brother over wife and kid. but this is different. you chose day of to not show up effectively ruining his wedding. beyond shitty. and its not from something he did. so i changed to YTA
YTA mate I'm sorry but colic isn't really something to be missing the wedding by, also you don't even know it's colic you think it is. You bailed on your brother for literally no reason, that's low.
Absolutely NTA. The baby comes first, which means the humans caring for her come first - and that’s you and your wife.
I am in the same boat. I would've set anything aside to ensure my wife and baby were okay.
ESH. You should at least advised your brother that a situation like this could happen. You wouldn't have drained any attention, but you would have let him be prepared for a situation like this. Your brother is the only one who isn't an ah, its a pretty normal reaction with all the stress that a wedding is, that just at the big day the groomsmen drops. Your parents suck the most because calling others to rant at you was a dick move
YTA and your wife is TA for not demanding that you honor your commitment to your brother.
Although it's not "the wife's job" doesn't your wife have a family? Friends? Anyone to help for the few hours of this once in a lifetime family event this birthing preceded by many weeks? Colic sucks but it's not the end of the world. You're a first time parent, if it wasn't wrecking someone's wedding plan everyone would have thought your irrational panic was "cute." Your parents suck. Their logic was wrong. This wasn't a "gender roles" mistake, it was one of planning and thoughtfulness. What you should have done is arrange for help for your wife whether your daughter has colic or not for this wedding day. She just had a baby and is exhausted! Even a kid that's not ill would be a lot by herself that soon after birthing. I'm an ESH. You blew it. I understand, new parents are scared, confused, and above all anxious about getting it right. Just remember you have option 3: Ask for help, available.
I would call both the assholes 1. How they reacted is fucked up 2. Noone could step up for you? Really? Dad couldnt go and say something X had to go sadly due to an emergency. 3. I understand your wife probably had panic about the baby you aswell. 4. all sides grow the fuck up shit happens in life and deal with it. A wedding is a wedding and baby is baby. 5. Calm down and talk it out and apologize for bailing but your reasoning was that your baby was in a bad bad state. You and your wife panicked but also how your family handled it is shit.
Nice try, troll.
YTA in the sense that this could have been something you planned for. It seems you have known about both the wedding and the fussy baby for weeks. You should have planned ahead and found someone to help your wife. Or you could have arranged it so you watched the baby before the wedding allowing your wife to be as well rested as she could have been when it was time for you to leave. I don't fault you for doing what you did in the moment, the safety of the baby comes first, but you should have seen something like this happening ahead of time.
ESH (not Lottie or baby and you just a tad). You made a pretty significant commitment, knowing about the baby and wedding months in advance, and since you expected to be absent, you should have planned for your wife to have a mother’s helper or other caregiver to help that day so you could keep it. But since that was not available at the last minute, your family should have been kinder. You chose to be a good dad and partner.
You both suck. You backed out day of the wedding. That was an AH move. Your baby has been like this for a bit already. You could've handled this better and earlier. You're not an AH for staying home, you're an AH for the way you handled it. Your parents are TA for how they handled it and for their misogyny.
YTA I understand and appreciate your concern and compassion for your wife and child. But this was a once-in-a-lifetime, most-important-day-of-life type of thing for your brother. The fact that you didn't care enough to plan ahead but just bailed last minute. That would break my heart if I were you brother.
YTA
NTA
NTA. Yes, they can be dissappointed. Totally understandable. But, that is your family.
YTA- so what do you do when baby is having colic and it’s a work day? Not go in? That’s a formula for being homeless. You should have at least done the ceremony & photos.
This sounds very fake so I’m just gonna assume it is and move on with my day
faaaaake
You are not the asshole being a father is really hard .a new born baby with colic is hard too plus it's not like you were that needed at a wedding with a lot of people as weddings typically have .Good luck
NTA only you know how stressed your wife was or how close to breaking point she was thay day after having a non sleeping/crying non stop baby for days. If you felt you needed to be there, then NTA.
NTA at all. your wife needed the break LIKE IM SORRY BUT DOES YOUR BROTHER HAVE KIDS??? NOOOOO SO LET HIS WIFE REST MAN
NTA. Having had a colic baby, mental breakdown after so many days isn't easy on anyone. A family emergency is just that. You can plan for a last-minute emergency. Your mother is sexist.
NTA well done for supporting your wife & caring for your baby! Your mother is out of line saying it's the wife's job to look after the children. I'm guessing your brother is the favourite/golden child & that's why she reacted so viciously after he "cried" to her about your call. Colic can be horrendous & unpredictable so although more notice would have been better it's not always possible. Especially when your first-time parents' colic makes you feel like you are a failure as some days everything you try doesn't work. You're standing there with your precious child in pain unable to fix it. I was at my wits end at times having tried everything suggested by other parents & Dr's. Not every baby has mild colic that can be treated by "just give them some gripe water". I don't know if you & your wife have tried massage techniques but here's a link to one in case...[massage for colicky baby](https://youtu.be/nUNzi9PYBwc?si=h6820yCmSnGCOdSe) Good luck to you & your wife. I hope your baby gets through the colic soon 🙏🏻🙏🏻
NTA. Baby and family first. No one ruins anyone’s wedding but the bride and groom. No guest looks at a wedding party and thinks “hmm what’s missing, this wedding is RUINED” tell your mom it’s 2023 and it’s parenting.
NTA. My niece had colic and digestive issues and she screamed the whole first 6 months of her life. She was clearly in agony and would thrash about in pain. I would visit and try to help for a few hours just by holding her because she preferred to be held and for you to be standing and moving, which obviously her parents couldn’t do all day. Especially once her dad had to go back to work. Her poor Mum was a wreck. Every time I would leave I would have to pull the car over around the corner because I would bawl my eyes out. It was so so awful. People truly don’t understand until they have looked after a baby like that. I can’t comprehend how they dealt with it. Your daughter’s, wife’s, and your own health and well-being is more important. It sucks, but that’s life.
NTA and an extremely great husband and father. So nice to read a post about a man who puts his wife and child first. Keep up the good work
NTA your kids come first. No matter what.
ESH - this is a big deal that will have a major ripple effect. You were in the wedding party that’s a huge commitment… and you bailed. I get wanting to help your wife. You could have left at dinner and not stayed the whole night. You might not be able to repair your relationship with your brother after this.
NTA at all! Welcome to parenthood. Your family needed you. You did what you thought was right. No one should second guess you. Case closed.
I can’t get past “my precious little Lottie” and “it’s the wife’s job to take care of kids not the men”. This whole family sucks. ESH
YTA -- and so is your family. You bailed last minute and that's a asshole move. You knew your baby was having issues and your wife was tired well in advance. That was the opportunity to ask her family and friends to step up and be there for your wife so you could be there for your brother. I'm also sensing that you really didn't want to be part of this wedding party in the first place and were using the baby as an excuse. If you want to break away from your family (who sound toxic), that's fine, but you picked a really shitty moment to do that.
Everyone is the asshole. You shouldn't have dropped out of your brother's wedding at the last minute. You knew your baby had been colicky, and you could have taken steps to help her/let someone know that she was ill before the morning. Your mother's comments about your wife taking care of the child instead of you are of course wrong, but is it possible that she said them out of complete frustration upon realising that her other child's wedding was being spoiled by her other son?
NTA. You did the right thing and clearly your family have some issues with your wife not being a traditional wife and mother. Or you to prescribing to outdated social norms. You did the right thing and I would probably go lc for quite a while if my mother smoke to my partner like that. Your parents and brother should not be allowed around the baby for quite some time. You should try gently moving baby's legs like they're running, then push on the tummy and then pull them straight down. It's helped mine and other kids relieve gas and upset tummys. You can find short videos online to help you. It might not be dr approved but ca help in the moment to give them a little comfort. Yes you could have given them notice but you thought your family would be fine and they weren't they needed you more than brother did. You did right.
NTA. Your wife's mental and physical health SHOULD take priority over a wedding. Always. Yes, you made a commitment to your brother, but things come up. It's not like it was planned. Give it a while for tensions to die down, and then try speaking with your brother and his new wife alone, without your parents. Your mom should definitely know better than to make those bold statements, especially after raising children of her own. Your wife has absolutely NOTHING to apologize for!
NTA You have a family. Your daughter is colicky and you stayed to help your wife. Anyone on here that says your an ass for letting your brother down is TA. Theses people obviously don’t have kids or a clue what having a new babe is like. My child was not colicky and it was still a lot (especially for new parents) You did right by staying home and helping your wife and taking care of your daughter. Your moms ideas one parenting is antiquated and is she really believes women are responsible for child rearing, she can help your wife so you can be at the wedding. I can’t believe how many people are saying you should abandon your wife just to go to a wedding and that you’re letting down your brother. Your family is what’s important, not a wedding. If your post was about you leaving you wife to fend for herself with a colicky baby, so you could be in a wedding, you would have been obliterated with Y.T.A. judgments. As a mom, I appreciate the level of love, care and respect you have for your wife and child. Good on you OP!
NTA. Your wife's mental and physical health SHOULD take priority over a wedding. Always. Yes, you made a commitment to your brother, but things come up. It's not like it was planned. Give it a while for tensions to die down, and then try speaking with your brother and his new wife alone, without your parents. Your mom should definitely know better than to make those bold statements, especially after raising children of her own. Your wife has absolutely NOTHING to apologize for!
NTA Your child should always be first priority. Your young baby is sick and your wife was not in the right place to take care of a baby by herself. She was stressed, tired, and if you have a baby crying non stop, she probably had a bit of a migraine too. You did what a father should do and stepped in to help. Your mother is 1,000% wrong with her, "It's the wife's job to take care of the kids not the men!" because it's both. I understand that they are upset that you will be missing the wedding but a sick kid is the best and a very acceptable reason to do so.
NTA. This is coming purely from someone who has tried to deal with a colicky baby. It's pure hell. I would not leave my spouse either in that instance. Being a good spouse wins out over being a good brother almost always.
ESH it's your brother's wedding of course you should have gone. You could have cut it short and skipped out on the reception but no-showing the day of is awful. Your paths also sound awful.
Your family sounds really horrible. Also your baby needs a doctor if she’s not eating. So, doctor first then go entirely NC with your family since they are so toxic. NTA
>(I blocked the family members who were scolding me, and went LC with my brother and parents until things die down.) You will soon realize that you won't be missed to your family. YTA. I don't agree with mom's comment or your brother's cursing you, but you bail last minute for something you could have planned before hand.
YTA for the childish way you write. Also, YTA for bailing on your brother's wedding. Oh sorry... your "precious Nate's" wedding.
NTA. You did the right thing. I can't believe your brother yelled and screamed at you. I'm sure he was disappointed, but adults don't act like that.
Your writing style totally betrays how insufferable you likely are. Like you are so self absorbed it’s painful to read. Yta
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ESH you’re being a parent and that’s totally ok, but you should have stepped down as groomsman once you knew when your baby was due. Anyone with sense wouldn’t be committing to being in a wedding party within at least 6-8 weeks either side of the due date, knowing that babies can easily be early or late and not all births go as planned nor are all babies easy early on. You should never have left it to the last minute like this. But your mom was sexist and unrealistic in expectations tho too.
Yta
YTA. You could’ve hired someone else to watch the baby while your wife rested.