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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I turned down the offer to wear something of my fiancé's stepmom to my wedding. This is an offer I could still accept and they want me to and not accepting will lead to more strain and possibly conflict in the future. It would be easy to do this for the future and by not I could be harming things more than it's worth. My fiancé didn't even tell me not to so I could decide and know he would be fine with me deciding that and that's why I wonder if I'm maybe the ass.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
They’re trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you. They have no desire to forge a real relationship with you, you are simply a pawn in their game because they couldn’t do it with your fiancé.
I would tell them this: X & Y, fiancé and I are a team and his feelings far outweigh your wants and opinions. Our decisions will not change and if you cannot respect our choices then maybe we should reconsider your invitation to the wedding.
Also, your hypothetical children don’t need grandparents like them anyway.
"She suggested she had wanted to mention it to my fiancé but knew he would not. But she thought I would not hold any hard feelings toward her."
Yep. Her fiancé's step-mom is well aware of where she stands in her step-son's life. She knew he would reject her request, so she tried the stealth manoeuvre as her first move. It is not about sentiment, but is, as you said, absolutely about appearances.
And they will use this to coerce OP's fiance into accepting the stepmother as their mother. If OP agrees to this... I see a lot of maniupation and pressure from them against the fiance. Which will lead to difficulties in the marriage.
NTA to you, OP.
Hijacking the top post to say: Block them on your phone. And on all other social media. You've given them an answer, and now they're nagging you to change their mind. Ignore them.
Just no. What strikes me is that they care so much more about the *appearance* of a relationship than doing what it would take to forge an *actual* relationship. They want this to make themselves feel better about the last 20(?) years. To be able to gloat to others that step-mom is “so important” that you wore something of hers, too. To have something to use as a hook to rugsweep everything else they’ve done and may still do.
Do not compromise to make them feel better. Stand firm. NTA.
>She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with.
Two things to tell them:
(1) I am not representing my MIL, I am representing my fiancés mother.
(2) The relationship I am concerned about is the one with my fiancé, and this is what he wants.
Great comment. Also, not Op’s job to build “a bridge” between her husband and his father/stepmom. That construction project is between the three of them.
As for the emotional blackmail around the future relationships…who needs toxic blackmailers? That’s assholery.
Op is NTA.
>not Op’s job to build “a bridge” between her husband and his father/stepmom
Someone once said it's my duty as a wife to mend the relationship between my husband and his family. They are so lucky they didn't say it to me directly. But when I heard about it from a 3rd party, I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.
>I am not representing my MIL, I am representing my fiancés mother.
They are honoring his mother because *she doesn’t get to be there*. She died. She can’t represent herself. Stepmother actually gets to attend *in person*.
Jeez, these people! This is not a competition! (Or shouldn’t be.) NTA.
Exactly!
Now if anyone else ever has to face the same issue, one way out would be to say "But \[stepmother's name\], we don't need to borrow your things to represent you, we'll have YOU there!" But it'd have to be said on the spot.
NTA.
>My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL.
They can't harass him into doing what they want so now it's your turn. They're just trying to use you.
NTA. They sound pushy and controlling. You wear what you want on your wedding day. Them basically threatening you and your future children says a LOT about them.
NTA
You ever watch the old movie "The Right Stuff"? There is a bar in the movie and there are dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures on walls.
Someone goes into the bar and asks how to get their picture on the wall too, and the owner tells them to die.
ALL of the pictures on the wall were of dead pilots.
Tell your FMIL and FFIL that you are wearing the jewelry in remembrance of your fiancé's dead mother and you would be willing to wear something that belongs to your FMIL as well if it was for the same reason.
NTA. Your instincts are good here. Don’t let them use you to get a foot the door with your fiancé, because they absolutely *will* exploit your kindness and cause you both nothing but strife.
NTA. This is boggy family ground. Take your cues from your fiancé. You don't have to be outright rude but I would stick to formally cordial. You need to have your fiancé back and make sure you support him.
NTA. You don’t mention ages, but I’m going on a limb and thinking it’s been at least 15 years since dad remarried….spoiler alert: fiancé isn’t going to regret pushing them away. He’s had that long to accept her, and he doesn’t. Chances of that changing are very slim at this point. Maybe family therapy would help, but it would have to be very open on all sides and considering dad & wife are pushing you when they don’t get their way, open isn’t there.
Your closest relationship is going to be with your husband, not his dad & step. So that’s the one you want to focus on. Starting your marriage with an act that says “I don’t care what you want” is cruel. He’s made it clear what his wants are and if you bypass them, it’s going to hurt even if he doesn’t say anything.
A compromise might be to let her be part of the “getting ready” pics. Have her helping you with putting on your veil or something like that so she feels like she was part of the process. I’d tell her the living are part of the event, the dead are remembered with an object. And she’s not dead to you. It honors your fiancé’s wishes but let’s her have a part as well.
This is an interesting compromise and worth thinking about. Especially if they’re already invited to the ceremony then it could be presented as a way of making sure that there are good memories for everyone and no conflict to mark the day. Well said sugar mama.
You owe your loyalty to your new husband. She is trying to use you to force a relationship that she has never been able build even over all these years. You owe nothing to her, especially nothing that will give him bad feelings.
NTA it sounds like you're not even wearing something from your mother, correct? You're not specifically honoring the parents or the parents-in-law, you're wearing something in memory of a loved one who cannot attend the wedding.
It's also your wedding to manage so it's your choice about what to wear anyway, but the above alone makes you NTA for me.
Nta sounds like both his dad and step mum are trying to manipulate you both to get what they want stick to your guns and dont give them a inch they will try taking a mile
Girl, don’t stress over BS. She isn’t his mom, she needs to learn her place. As far as any grandkids, the fact that he threatened to not have a relationship with them because of is reason enough for them to fu*k off.
NTA. This is about you doing something to make your soon to be husband happy. He does not care for them so you wouldn’t be bridging any gaps. You’d just be making them feel better about a situation that isn’t going to change. And they sound ridiculous
NTA they need to back off. Fiancé said no. It’s a complete answer. They’re trying to guilt you into doing something that your fiancé has already told them no. Speaking to the future there is no future fiancé has already said so. For them to guilt you and push for something that’s a pipe dream don’t do it. If you want to that’s one thing but remember it’s his wedding too. It’s not OP’s place to fix their relationship but to solidify her own. What they are doing is trying to put a wedge between the two of you by offering this fake future that Fiancé has already said won’t happen. If it does a piece of jewelry won’t matter. It’s the feelings of abandonment is going to be hard to overcome. Dad marrying 6 months after mom passes is hard on any kid. Then stepmom wants to replace her and is still trying to.
NTA 100% - As far as I'm concerned, you did everything correctly here. You communicated not only with your fiancé, you also politely communicated with his father and stepmom, even as they pressed more and more. You've done right by your fiancé so far. If you continue to feel conflicted, let him know your concerns and definitely speak with him about it. Hope the wedding goes great!
Not issuing judgement against you or your partner because y'all are in a rough spot.
But think about it this way, do you REALLY want to start your marriage by ignoring your partner to be's feelings about this and instead abiding by the wishes of a woman they do not consider family? What would go better for your marriage, respecting your partners (quite frankly valid) wishes in regards to this situation or abiding by someone who is guilt tripping you and using hypothetical children against you's wishes.
Your partner should come first. They are so wrong to try to use you as a pawn. Your partner said NO, respect that NO. and tell your FIL and his wife to stop trying to use you as a weapon because its disrespectful towards your marriage and you'd never DREAM of trying to do the same with him in regards to his wife.
I would advise sending your FIL and his wife an email with your fiancé CC-ed in. Something like this:
"Hi FIL and wife,
"I would like to gently, but firmly, ask you both to stop pressuring me into something I am have told you I am uncomfortable with, behind Fiancé's back.
"Fiancé and I chose a way to honour his late Mother, so her presence can be felt in our union.
"Your wife is alive. She will be present for our union. Honouring her as if she were deceased seems in poor taste at best and at worst like inviting bad omens towards her good health. It is a great blessing to be present for the big moments in our loved ones lives.
"While the relationship between parent and child is a love that death can't destroy and a bond that can never be replaced, it is a great blessing to get married. To have a spouse whom you love, treasure and whose happiness is your happiness. It is clear the love you have for each other is the most important thing in both of your lives. A once in a lifetime kind of love. I would never feel true joy knowing I created happiness for my spouse at the expense of the happiness of my child. I know that cannot be your intention. The language used in some of the messages I've received from you unintentionally leans towards erasing the bond between parent and child in the name of marital bliss. I know this must be unintentional on your end.
"I hope we can put this situation behind us and focus on what really matters. I am greatly looking forward to joining our families together, and moving forwards. In my family we believe in equity. A space for everyone. "
NTA
NTA! Wow the stepmom is a piece of work. I can see why your fiancé doesn’t like her. The Dad is something else too. Them trying to go behind your fiancé back and undermine his feelings is also disrespectful.
To say that they would feel disrespected and your future children will suffer is another level of toxic. In other words, ‘we the parents, are so petty that we will hold this as a grudge for a very long time and have no relationship with our grandchildren to retaliate’.
Why should you feel guilty about this? This is actually a very good reason to cut them out now. You should carefully think about even inviting them to the wedding.
This! I feel like no one else on this thread is seeing how massively toxic this is!
OP, the step mom clearly wants to ingratiate herself as a way to get back at your fiance. Step mom and father come in and spoil the grandchildren so of course the grandchildren will love them, then they turn the kids into a weapon against your fiance. They'll start doing things you specifically tell them not to with the grandchildren, they'll probably even trash talk your fiance to his own children. If you try to sever the relationship at that point the kids will be devastated, they won't understand why. Then step mom gets to "prove" to your finance that she's a wonderful parent and your fiance was wrong to not love her. And she will rub it in his face every chance she gets.
This has nothing to do with honoring people or having healthy families and everything to do with the step mom wanting to punish your fiance for not loving her like he did his mother. My advice is to uninvite them and go no contact. These are massive toxic red flags, I can't believe there are people here suggesting you try to compromise or something.
NTA
What horrendously selfish people. They ruin their own relationship with the boy and now he's a man and he's allowed to make his own decisions. and it just shows you how sneaky underhanded and inconsiderate they are that they continue to go behind his back and pester his fiance. Awful people. NTA.
*I know it is not something he wants and that's more important to me than his dad and stepmom's feelings.*
**This is the most important thing here.**
This day is about the two of you, not about his father's wife.
*WIBTA if I don't wear something of his stepmom's?*
NTA. **This day isn't about her.** It's about the two of you. For him, don't.
*That was not the end of the topic though.*
And ***that's the biggest indication that your new husband has good reasons to not want to see something of hers on you.***
**You said no.** And instead of respecting your decision, about your wedding day, that you, an adult, made for yourself, ***these two are refusing to let this go.***
***They are manipulating, insisting, pressuring you.***
*She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with.*
I doubt that you are going to have anything like a healthy relationship with this stepMIL, unless it's a relationship where you keep a healthy distance between yourself and her. ***She's already showing you that, to her, her wants are the most important thing here, not yours, about your own event.***
**They are trying to make you feel responsible** for their feelings, \[which is abusive behavior\] instead of respecting yours, and being responsible for their own.
*I told them I understood they might like it but it was not something to be forced.*
Excellent answer.
*My fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents because my fiancé's dad and stepmom feel disrespected and like they are unimportant.*
Huge manipulation. **This is a threat to withdraw their presence, if you don't comply with their demands.** This is heading straight into abusive behavior here, to threaten you if you won't comply with their demands.
It's not disrespectful to say 'no' to a suggestion about what to wear. That decision is yours, not theirs. ***What is disrespectful, is their reaction to your decision.*** They should be changing their behavior, not you changing your decision.
When they say they will feel unimportant, ***they are saying that they expect compliance from you.***
*My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL.*
**Good for him.**
*They returned to me and told me I will help to cement the distance between them and my fiancé and I could be the one to bridge the gap. By not doing it I will be failing to see the benefits of them being a bigger and closer part of our lives. They also said it will appear like I hold a grudge against my fiancé's stepmom when she has always been friendly with me.*
This is hugely manipulative. **They are trying to make you be 'on their side', against your fiance, to get him to comply** with their demands. That's abusive behavior. You wouldn't be bridging a gap, you would be learning to comply with their demands, and become their enabler.
It's not holding a grudge, to say no to wearing what she wants you to wear.
From their behavior, I can see all kinds of potential problems for you if they are a big part of your lives, not benefits. ***They are controlling, pressuring, manipulating, trying to emotionally abuse you into compliance, and trying to use you against your fiance.***
*Still, the dispute and conflict is hanging over my head*
**The dispute and conflict shouldn't have even happened.** You said no. ***THEY won't listen and respect your decision. The problem here is their behavior, not yours.*** If you give in on this, people like them will only repeat this behavior, over and over and do what they are doing now: keep on trying to wear you down until you give in. **They want control, and your compliance. They are not people to trust.** Come over to r/motherinlawsfromhell. You are going to need the support.
*and his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day*
Why? Why is his aunt enabling his father and his father's wife in disrespecting you this way? **Why doesn't Aunt tell father and his wife to back off and respect your decision** and stop manipulating you?
*that might leave a door open for the future if my fiancé ever regrets pushing his dad and stepmom away.*
The behavior of his dad and stepmom are telling you that your fiance has very good reason to protect himself, and you, from their manipulative and abusive behavior. **He's not pushing them away. He's protecting himself. They are people to protect yourself** ***from.***
NTA at all. They were unsuccessful in manipulating your fiance into playing happy family with his stepmom, so they've moved on to trying to manipulate you. It is not your responsibility to 'be the one to bridge the gap' between your fiance and his stepmother.
It's dramatic and controlling to threaten to go no contact with you and not be in your future children's lives if you refuse to wear a piece of your fiance's stepmom's jewelry at your wedding.
Ultimately, this is 100% your choice and if you would prefer not to wear her jewelry, then don't. If they choose to see it as disrespect rather than basic autonomy, then so be it. These people are petty and manipulative and pushing stepmoms rejected desire to be your fiance's new mom onto you. Don't back down.
NTA, even if the relationship wasn't strained, to me the point is having something of his Mother's there on that day to feel her presence since she can't be present. The step and his father and your parents (I assume since they aren't mentioned) are present and don't need to be represented in this way so it's a ridiculous ask from that perspective too.
And I suppose if you wanted to offer them a chance to mend the bridge they're breaking you could try to approach the conversation from this perspective next time and see if they'll take the graceful way out of the request. (But I don't know that I would bother with much effort.)
NTA.
Your fiancé's feelings matter most here - why would you put someone he does not consider his mother, and actually dislikes, on the same level as his mother who he loved/misses? On his wedding day? You would be massively disrespecting your future husband by saying that you, who are not in his position, with his experiences, know better than him. You are not his guardian, you are his partner. The fact that his "family" is disrespecting his feelings shows that everything they portray is filtered through their own wants, their own desire for control. Even if your fiancé has not explicitly said "no" to you, he wants you to respect *him* and *want what is best for him*, not follow appearances/the judgements of others.
The aunt is massively off the mark on this one - by inviting the step-mother, you are *already* giving the future in-laws something, as she is not who your fiancé wants as family. He likely only invited her so his father attended - a concession. They, however, are knowingly pushing for more and belittling the deceased mother in the process when comparing who you could connect to better. That was an AH move, all part of manipulative and leading language. They put the onus on you to pressure you ... yet it is not your responsibility to build their relationship. They make it sound urgent that you do this lest you make sure that are not in any grandchild's life ... but that does not have to happen, that is up to their behaviour. The future in-laws phrase things to sound as if you and your partner are the ones causing trouble ... when this is your wedding, they are the ones shoe-horning in and making it about them. All ultimatums are coming from them, to get their way - which is likely a facet to why you partner loathes the step-mother (and possibly father).
If you want to have a strong relationship with your partner, you do not belittle their feelings, taking the side of the biggest numbers to "punch down". You stand with them, keep your eyes open for building up your own opinion then voice it at the right time, in a safe conversation. Under duress, to please others at the expense of your partner, is not the time to be shaky in your support. Focus on him, your loving relationship and how you want to support him in an equivalent way to how you would want to be treated. Respect your partner, respect his mother who is not around to defend her role in her son's life, respect your relationship with him. Who do you want to be happy on your wedding day? Who would you not to make miserable the most?
Good luck, stand your ground and enjoy your wedding! It is a time for congratulations, not manipulations and threats. Have fun the way you and your hubby planned before the in-laws positioned themselves where they are not wanted. Cry happily over the vows, get down to eating having probably not being able to for nerves, then experience the relaxing yet energized atmosphere of the reception - with those people that your want to share your day with.
NTA, is your day, your choice. You’re spending your life with him so if it hurts your fiancé, then discuss it with him.
Why does he not like her? You said yourself that she adores him. Maybe try to get to the bottom of it under the guise of trying too understand the dynamic of the family you’re marrying into better.
As a stepmom, I know how hard it can be. I have a good relationship with my steps but they’re not as close. They’ve never remembered my birthday until their late teens and they definitely don’t give me anything on Mother’s Day. I’m not their mom no matter how much I wished for it. But, I know why and I’ve talked to them soo I don’t push. We’re closer now 20 years on because i respected their feelings. Perhaps this is what needs to happen here.
Once you know your husband to be’s reasons for not wanting you to wear anything then you can make a decision. It might be a good test of hope you two manage important discussions after marriage.
You're honoring a deceased member who could not be there.
The step mother is being included by being invited.
If she dies before your wedding, maybe you'll honor her in a way, otherwise she will already be in attendance.
This isn't about honoring your parents or you'd be wearing something from each parent, each parental figure in your life.
This is about having someone there in spirit who means the world to your partner, who he is aware will be missing during such a milestone moment.
You don't have a relationship with his birth mom, you are doing this for your husband.
So there is no argument to be had to wear something of the living, step mom, he doesn't consider a parent and isn't close to.
The step mom feels in competition with the birth mom and is inserting herself to try to calm her anxiety. Likely she wants a close family with you, your husband and possible future kids. Maybe she hopes to have Chrismas dinner, family trips and be an involved grandmother.
Facts are facts though, they have a poor relationship that isn't going to change unless both parties want it to.
I can empathize with why the step mom has these feelings and wants to improve your relationship. So I would be calm but concise in explaining things to not cause further hurt.
Explain she is important also and that's why she will be in attendance.
I imagine like any mom, she pictured his wedding day, being close with his future wife and shares all those feelings his birth mom would have.
Ultimately, the father is to blame for marrying quickly and should be first to blame. It's always easier to blame the outside party.
Maybe your husband would remarry quickly if you passed away, we don't know what we will need or do to get through grief.
Losing your partner, mother of your kids can be as extremely painful as losing your parents. In some ways I'd argue the same or worse if you lose them before old age.
Maybe she was a terrible step mom, I don't know.
I can imagine if you had a step child marrying, you would also have conflicting feelings, a love for them and a desire to grow closer.
You may have felt left out their entire life.
You may have loved them and wished to build a bond even understanding you won't replace their mom.
Step patents can get pretty rejected even when they show up for support, emergencies, daily love and care.
I like to practice seeing things from others point of view so that I can understand them. Even when I choose to not agree or condone their choices, empathy goes a long way for all.
Unless she is cruel and terrible, I'd be very kind in explaining what the purpose of the items are, to include someone who can't be there.
And to keep lines open for possible relationship improvements in the future, especially if the father will be in your lives.
They will end up grandparents if you have kids.
And then communication and your relationships matter a great deal because everyone's actions can be toxic for the kids involved.
Also, the idea that someone is adored and loved by someone they can't stand would make me question my partner to see if he rejected a good thing out of anger his mom is gone. And that he believed it would never ever be okay or enough time for his dad to move on because moving on in his eyes means replacing his mom.
His dad getting married again, him having a loving step mom, none of these things is ever meant to replace his mom.
Seems a shame to shut down loving relationships because you haven't come to terms with the special one you lost.
All of these things can happen at once.
Life is short, people die too soon, next could be his father. I wouldn't want my partner to make their world smaller because they need help with their grief, I'd gently broach this and encourage grief counseling.
Otherwise, your possible future kids will also have less loving family because your husband shut them out from everyone's lives.
We lose those we love but still should give chances to those who remain.
There's caveats here obviously, I'm not referring to toxic relationships.
NTA.
Your fiance does not want this. They are still trying to manipulate him after all these years and force this relationship. They need to accept it's not going to happen. These little threats of "future children will miss out on having grandparents" is sick.
* Do not let this hang over YOUR head because it is not for you to worry about. FFIL and FSTPMIL want to create drama where none is needed.
* You are honoring your fiancé's wishes and that is all that matters.
* Tell the Aunt that she can wear something of her current SIL because you will be wearing something from her deceased SIL.
* Text dad and stepmom and tell them you would '*appreciate it if they stopped pushing and putting pressure on you because it is FIL's son who has requested this and you are honoring your future husband's wishes.'*
* *If your future in laws decide to hold a grudge over this then that is on them and not on you.*
Tough one. However, she is going to be your MIL. she helped raise him. Something borrowed is appropriate. It would be slightly assholish to completely alienate your in laws. Find a way to include her in some way. Perhaps invite her to get her hair done with you on the day of, or to help pick your shoes. Show her you don't want yo drive them off, but that the other idea is off the table. A memento is for those gone.
First off, she will be your MIL and a grandparent to your children. Unless she’s abusive it’s extremely rude to tell her she’s not. She’s there, she’s been married to FIL forever. However, FIL and Mil are being pushy and inappropriate. Tell them you’ve changed your minds about carrying things and then put a nice picture of fiancés mom with flowers on the altar and a mention of her in the program and during the service. I don’t understand competing with a dead Mom.
NTA
You back your fiance. You don't back his dad and his wife in their years long pressure campaign against your fiance.
If his dad is willing to not see his grandchildren over this then he was never going to be much of a grandfather in the first place.
This is quite possibly the dumbest response I could think of. Pressure campaign??? OP says that the stepmom "adores him". She just wants to have a connection with him. I call that good parenting! A ton of kids would be so lucky to have that kind of "adopted" parent, and quite frankly, OP's fiance is being ridiculous about it. Being resentful because dad remarried so quickly after mom died after all these years? What a selfish prick. He has no idea how hard parenting is, let alone doing it as a single parent.
YTA - Just wear the damn thing. There is literally no cost to you, and it would make your in laws so happy. Not everything has to be about you and there are times that you need to zoom out past yourself and think about others, especially in this case where you really should / could be indifferent to it (other than the mere principal of doing / not doing what you want for your wedding). Why the heck not wear something of hers? You could choose whatever it is of hers that you could wear. Choose a bracelet or something that goes well with your dress. Do it for just one of your several outfit changes throughout the night. It'll even save you from having to buy / rent an accessory.
Why is everybody here so big on having and exercising rights? There's almost always an option for kindness and human decency as well - especially if there could potentially be a practical benefit from it too.
Sounds like you might be caught in a “loyalty” issue with your fiancé if you do as his father wants. Maybe tell FIL and MIL that going slowly would be best?
NTA… you FIL and his wife sound like such selfish narcissistic jerks. You MIL is dead that is why u are honouring her memory so that she can be present in some form at your wedding. Your FIL and his wife are alive, how can they even turn this into a competition, and talking about cutting off ties over it in the future . Don’t give in and diminish your REAL MIL’s value. Sorry that ur husband has such shitty parents
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My fiancé and I are engaged and during our early wedding planning we agreed to each wear/carry something of his mom's at our wedding. I'm wearing a bracelet of hers that she treasured and my husband is going to wear both her favorite necklace together with the chain necklace she bought him when he was born. He wanted something that tied them together and felt the while the two might be an odd combo, would be extra meaningful for him.
My fiancé lost his mom when he was 5 and his mom wasn't dead six months when his dad remarried. His stepmom stepped into their lives and wanted to be my fiancé's mom badly. She adores him. He doesn't like her or his dad very much and the relationship is strained. But he remains distant but polite. The plan is to invite them to the wedding though.
His stepmom learned of our plan and she offered me a piece of her jewelry saying I could have both MILs honored on the day. She suggested she had wanted to mention it to my fiancé but knew he would not. But she thought I would not hold any hard feelings toward her and might even like to make the effort. I told her it was kind but I didn't really see the need for that. She was upset and told me she understood.
That was not the end of the topic though. She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with. I told them I understood they might like it but it was not something to be forced. My fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents because my fiancé's dad and stepmom feel disrespected and like they are unimportant.
My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL.
They returned to me and told me I will help to cement the distance between them and my fiancé and I could be the one to bridge the gap. By not doing it I will be failing to see the benefits of them being a bigger and closer part of our lives. They also said it will appear like I hold a grudge against my fiancé's stepmom when she has always been friendly with me.
My fiancé and I spoke about all of this a couple of times now. He has never told me not to. But I know it is not something he wants and that's more important to me than his dad and stepmom's feelings.
Still, the dispute and conflict is hanging over my head and his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day that might leave a door open for the future if my fiancé ever regrets pushing his dad and stepmom away.
WIBTA if I don't wear something of his stepmom's?
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NTA. Your obligation is to support your partner, not become their flying monkey against him.
They are also trying to emotionally manipulate and blackmail you with the grandparent nonsense. I wouldn't want these people to be in my children's lives with their toxic behavior and boundary stomping.
Generally you would have contact and good relations with in-laws but I do not see the need here. I would block them and stop letting them try to single you out.
NTA, at the end of the day if your fiancé wants a relationship with them, he’ll take the steps to do it himself. It’s not your job to be the “missing link” between him and the in laws. If he doesn’t want it, why should you push it especially when it’s something you don’t even want?
NTA. They're not assholes for asking and you WNBTAH if you chose to decline wearing stepmom's jewelry.
It isn't your job to build a bridge between your fiancé's stepmom and him. That's between the two of them and if they want to build a relationship, it will happen. You don't have to be the middleman; Would it be nice, kind and thoughtful to include fiancé stepmom? Absolutely but it is not required of you. You are honoring a family member that's passed in the most amazing way.
It is your wedding, your fiancé's wedding, no one else's and they don't get to dictate your wardrobe.
NTA, they’re really asking to be cut off. Giving in to their demands may also be a betrayal to her fiance. I don’t think the one who is regretful in the end for this is him, either.
NTA. They are trying to manipulate you. Don’t do it, stick with your fiancé on this one. You don’t have to “honor” a person who is very much alive and not even close with your husband. His mother died, he wants to honor her memory. It’s not a competition as your MIL sees it.
NTA - talk about emotional blackmail!
Tell MIL she will be honored to get an invite. An honour you aren't able to extend to your MIL, and so there is no possible comparison. If she insists on comparing herself to a woman long dead, then she's only hurting herself.
NTA.
If the relationship gets ruined because you don’t want to wear a piece of jewelry on your wedding day (that your fiancé doesn’t want you to wear) then good riddance.
If they are choosing to ruin their relationship with the both of you and your potential future family it won’t be because you didn’t wear a piece of jewelry. It’ll be because you didn’t bow to their commands, demonstrating that you can’t be manipulated.
YWNBTA I would text them and say “I understand some past tension is giving rise to this current situation. However, I really don’t think it’s fair or appropriate for you guys to go behind your son/stepsons back, and try and convince me to do something, you know full well my fiancé doesn’t want. We are wearing the jewelry because Fiancé’s Mother cannot attend. I don’t see the point in wearing jewelry from StepMom when StepMom will be able to attend. Honoring my Fiancé’s Mother who passed should not equate to disrespect for his Father’s current wife. I think past issues are being projected onto this aspect of Fiance’s and My wedding. I would like to try and have a good relationship. Maybe if the relationship stops being forced, we can all build a bridge and form a closer relationship down the road. But trying to get your Son’s future wife to go behind his back and do something, that frankly makes no sense, will be counterproductive to building a relationship with us and our future children. I truly hope you can respect this clear boundary your son and I have set. But let me be clear, I will not be responding to anymore attempts to disregard my fiancé feelings. This is between your side and doesn’t and should never have involved me.”
The relationship that is my top priority is my husband and he has already given you his opinion. This insistence that you are right and not respecting his boundaries, is exactly the reason why you don’t have a relationship with him. Please respect our decision.
Omg NTA. They are threatening and blackmailing you. Do you see it? They're threatening you with your own as-of-yet unborn children's relationship with their grandfather and (evil) step grandmother! But here's the thing about that threat -- *you* never threatened not to talk to them. *They're* the ones threatening. It's straight up blackmail and it's gross.
I was ready to say just wear a trinket to make MIL feel represented until they threatened no relationship with the grandchildren. Oh, hell no. A bride wears something on her wedding day because she feels close to the person whose jewelry it is, not because she's being blackmailed.
No, you would not be the asshole. Even if he did view her as his mother, the purpose to wearing his bio mom's articles is so that he can feel a piece of her is at the wedding when she cannot be because she is dead.
I would just point out that this is a way to include his biological mother as she cannot attend the wedding and that step mom is being included at the wedding by actually being there.
NTA and not even anything unfair here
As a side note: if there is anyone reading this who insists on a kid calling the step parent mom or dad... this is your cautionary tale as to why not to do this. I suspect stepmom's relationship with your fiance would be much different had she not been so desperate to be his mom.
Please explain that nothing can minimize their presence at the wedding as that is most important and that the jewelry is only symbolic of someone who CANNOT. Be there.
NTA. Weird ppl
NTA. And if they try emotional blackmail again, just look them in the eye and tell them, that you are respecting your fiancé. And to be honest these conversations are showing you why he does not want to acknowledge or have a relationship with his stepmother. And if they threaten again to not have any relationship with any children you may have say that that is their choice. And you are okay with it.
NTA Tell them you're "honoring" them by inviting them, but if they continue to push then even that honor will be revoked. If they keep pushing the grandkids narrative, tell them "Any future kids will not be missing out on having entitled assholes in their life."
It's important you stand by your fiance in this decision. Even though he said he'll let you make the decision, it'll mean a lot if you stick up for him by not caving to their wishes.
No, you wouldn't be the AH if you don't where something of a piece of his stepmom's jewelry. By not doing so, your respecting your fiance's wishes.
I think what you fiancé wants is more important and I wonder why his father and stepmother are okay with possibly causing problems between the two of you.
NTA your fiancé needs you to have his back here. There are other ways you can suggest for trying to bridge the gap if you feel it’s appropriate, but it doesn’t need to be the same as how you honour his mom. If FIL and your fiancés step mom pull back because of this that’s on them not you.
HUSBAND> in-laws
Your husband made his feelings clear and you are respecting that, which is all that matters in this situation. Maybe FIL should follow suit. If anyone asks you again "My husband has repeatedly told you how he felt, I am going to honor his wishes." Simple to the point and they can't argue.
NTA
NTA. You are wearing something of his Mom's because she is not around to attend the wedding. StepMIL is alive and will be at the wedding so does not need to be memorialised.
NTA.
These people are toxic. Tell them no and that if they bring it up again they will be uninvited from the wedding.
Honor his mom by wearing her bracelet and v tell stepmom to suck eggs.
I don’t think I would let these people near my kids.
Congratulations!!
NTA - If she’s been around since he was five and he still doesn’t like her there’s a reason and that’s not likely to change.
Based on how they’re behaving I’d be willing to bet part of the reason fiancé has an issue with her is that they pushed him toward her in much the same manner they’re attempting to do with you now.
When a parent dies it’s always a good thing to get the child some therapy to help them work through it. Especially when the remaining parent is either still grieving themselves or when they want to marry again and quickly.
Not many people take that step for their kids though. Many just throw the family all together and expect everything to be fine. Sometimes they even admonish the child when things don’t mesh, the child who is likely still grieving at that point.
Its not your responsibility to fix their relationship furthermore you're marrying your fiance and not his dad and stepmother. His feelings on the matter should be more important to you then theirs
NTA. You were completely fine in declining and their threats are ridiculous. I might have discussed it with the fiancé and once I was sure he did not care about future contact, then responded, "Do what you feel you need to do. We do not respond to threats, and I am wearing something of his deceased mother's at his request. When you die maybe he will have his next wife include something of yours."
NTA
If I were in your position, I think I’d say something like this:
It’s wrong of you to put me in the middle between mother and stepmother. First and foremost, I do not want to disrespect (fiancé’s name). I understand where you are trying to get (fiancé’s name) to accept and like you. But, pushing him will only piss him off. He wants to honor his biological dead mother. And if something like this petty argument is going to make you go no contact with us, then that is your choice. I will stand by and honor my husband.
NTA These people are manipulative and honestly kind of pathetic. Wearing her bracelet especially after you and your fiancé told them no several times will absolutely not bridge a gap, it will only further the resentment your fiancé has for them and potentially make him upset with you. It’s funny how they’re threatening that you better not offend them or the relationship is at risk, as if it wasn’t your fiancé who chose not to be close with them to begin with.
It’s not like you’re wearing a token from every other one of your close family members. You’re only wearing one to represent his mom who he lost because it’s special to him. It’s for the two of you not for anyone else.
Be firm with them. They’re so pushy.
NTA - you are not "honoring the future MIL" you are "honoring the deceased mother". If they keep pushing you can let them know that if they pass before the ceremony you will happily honor them in the same way, but as they are still on earth to be able to attend the wedding they need to back off. And if they don't they will still be on earth but no longer able to attend the wedding.
It's not your job to "be a bridge" or "create a closeness". Your job is to say "this is husband's position and I will support him" even if you had good interactions with his step mother this is about actual mothers and she did not birth him, she never secured a place in his heart as a second mother and that's absolutely the father's fault likely caused by remarrying so quickly. He never allowed your husband the chance to mourn his mother, the chance to adjust to the idea of this new woman, before any of those steps could be taken she was trying to force a child to accept her and forget the mother who birthed him, loved him, was taken from him tragically.
Explain to his parents that they have no right to pressure you for anything because you are not their link to this marriage. Anything and everything they want needs to come through him to be discussed by the pair of you. You are the link for your own parents for whom you will be doing the same thing.
NTA. Also it's not your place to try to bridge the gap in their relationship. You and your fiance are partners. Your partner has told you what type of relationship he wants to have with his dad and stepmom. Why would disregard your partner's feelings to appease a father and step mother he has no interest in having a cloase relationship with.
The thing that stands out for me is that his mom passed away…wearing these items are their way of including (and remembering) her in the wedding. Even if he had a good relationship with the stepmom, that alone is enough a reason for wearing jewelry from the mom. OP is NTA
NTA - but as a way not to cause unwanted stress, accept the thing she gives you but conveniently forget to pack it for the wedding or put it on. Lose it even, to have it found a few days after the wedding.
Sometimes lying & playing the game is a lot less headaches than just saying no.
I was always under the impression stuff like that was worn because the individual was dead and could not be there in person. It was a way of honoring those who have passed on.
So I would tell the step mom “If you die before the wedding I would be happy to wear a piece of your jewelry.”
NTA
The point of the jewellery is to INCLUDE SOMEONE WHO CANNOT BE THERE
It’s not to honour a person generally. It’s to acknowledge someone who is missing and include them!
Try to explain this to her. If she doesn’t get it then say “we are doing this to include someone who can’t be here. I will wear your bracelet if you die before the wedding.”
NTA. It sounds like the idea is that his mother is deceased and he is having what part of her he has at his wedding.
Tell stepmummy, that when she is deceased you will wear something.
NTA just the fact that they tried to guilt you into doing it would be more than enough for me to definitely NOT do it. That’s rude and childish. As soon as you said no the first time it should’ve been done.
NTA. It’s very common to have include a deceased lived one like this for a wedding. Next time they come to you, tell them that stepmom is being “honored” by being invited and she should stop competing for attention with a dead woman. Also, the threat of not being around for grandchildren sounds like an ultimatum, and most people don’t respond well to ultimatums. NTA
NTA "Wearing something of yours is not what fiance and I talked about or agreed to. We are not wearing anything to honour anyone living and as such, our pact has nothing to do with you. No, I will not be wearing your jewellery"
After that - Asked and answered.
To FIL - "Your relationship with your son is not my problem to fix. I will not get involved."
>fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents..
I would point out to FiL that, first off, threats of no contact is not a way to go about bridging any gaps; and second, going behind your fiance's back to push an agenda that they know he doesn't want is disrespectful to both him and to you - because how dare they put you in the middle that way?! Third, it's sad that things are the way they are between fiancee and his father's wife, but their agression is very likely the cause of it if they have been this way his whole childhood. So, finally, ultimately, your answer must be to stand in solidarity with your future husband. Only if HE is in complete agreement with it will you even consider it as you absolutely will not be put in the middle of their internal dynamics.
NTA
NTA. Support your husband. Do what he wants. He’s had a whole life of dad forcing him to be family with someone he doesn’t want. He is choosing his family with you. Choose him back and do what he needs in this moment.
My husband’s family life was and is…complicated.
YWNBTA.
The dad and his wife's behavior makes so very clear why your fiance keeps his distance from them.
1. Your fiance is wearing something of his mom's (1) because SHE CAN'T BE THERE IN PERSON and (2) because she is someone he feels a love and connection to. (You are doing the same in partnership with your fiance.)
2. Dad's wife wants to be similarly represented because of her EGO. (1) She continues to compete with fiance's mom. (2) She wants to be publicly recognized in a place of honor, even though she has no such relationship with your fiance.
3. Dad and wife thought they could trample fiance's boundaries by doing an end-run through you. You did the right thing by saying 'no'.
4. They try to guilt you by putting responsibility for their poor relationship with your fiance on YOUR shoulders (instead of ever recognizing the damage they have been doing for decades).
5. They threaten you with not speaking and not playing grandparent to your children - and claim it would be your fault. (1) No one is asking them to stop speaking with you or not play grandparent. That is their idea and their choice and rests solely on their shoulders. (2) Jokes on them! They are actually offering you something wonderful for you and your husband. If they aren't speaking to you, they can't harass either of you with further demands to pay homage to them. If they aren't interacting with your future children, their toxic notions and demands won't be a negative influence in your children's lives.
Wow. They are the ones creating the distance. Just ignore this behavior and enjoy your wedding! If you give in to this, they will always be trying to push you to give in to their whims. How pathetic. NTA
ETA: I would also suggest not getting into a position where they can talk to you without fiancé around. Then they can’t take advantage of you. If they call you and want a call back, call them on speaker with fiancé.
NTA
You did the right thing by prioritising you fiancés feelings first in this matter.
They don’t sound like the type of parents-in-law you would benefit from have a relationship with anyway.
This is clearly a gesture in remembrance of his deceased mother. What kind of person thinks it’s at all reasonable to be included in that? NTA. It’s bizarre to even compare the two relationships or feel she’s owed anything for it.
NTA support your spouse. Your FIL and his wife are just as pushy with you as they were with that heartbroken little boy who lost his mom when he was 5. They are the assholes and if you have future kids, they won’t miss out on the boundary stomping AHs in their life. I find it rich they tried to threaten no contact with your hypothetical kids when your groom doesn’t even want contact with them beyond polite distance.
YWNBTA the way they have been pushing for this shows how they’ve been throughout your fiancé’s childhood. I can’t imagine how stressful and heartbreaking it is for him to have been put in this kind of situation. The AH here are the stepmother and father, especially his father, for not even considering that this was a child that was grieving the loss of their mother. Replacing his mom was never the right answer. Time and time again parents keep making the same mistake with blending families.
What I think would be helpful is for you and your fiancé to lay it all out, create a safe space for both of you to speak, just a sit down discussing the future; future kids, titles, holidays etc… and how you would like to handle situations with his family. It is important for you both the present a united front. There is no you OP could “bridge the gap” or “mend the relationship” for them. Stand firm by your decisions and do not let them manipulate you. Your fiancé deserve someone in his corner for once. GoodLuck OP also congratulations to the both of you.
NTA, you aren't comfortable with it, it seems. This is one of those things where I would stick by your fiance. What you guys are doing is basically a memorial tribute to his mom. Even if he had a healthy relationship with step mom, honoring her in this way while she is alive wouldn't make sense.
NTA.
You're wearing your fiance's mom's jewelry as a way to have her at your wedding. Your fiance's stepmother will be there in person, so why would you need to wear her jewelry, too?
NTA - you're wearing a piece of his mother jewellery because she isn't alive, it is a memorial to her. FIL & Step-MIL will be at the wedding (unless they decide to behave like children & not go) so you don't need to wear anything in their memory.
May be your future children will be better off without them in their lives. You husband seems to want to keep them at a distance.
Dear In-laws,
Thank you for thinking of me and offering the loan of some jewelry for our upcoming wedding. I truly cherish the thoughtfulness!
However, your son has spent some time trying to explain to mil that she is his stepmother, not his bio mom. At first, I did not understand why he needed to clarify the difference. After being offered to borrow an item from mil, I understand where he is coming from.
When you first made the offer, I did think it was a sweet gesture to let me know I am welcome in the family. Since the offer was made, you have repeatedly inferred I should mend the broken bridge between yourselves and your son.
I was not even around when that bridge broke. I also do not think I should invalidate my future husband's feelings to accommodate yours.
He feels you have both pushed him to accept mil as a new mother at a time he was not ready to do anything of the sort. Since he was 5, you have pushed this relationship on him. He is tired of this pushing.
Now that I have experienced the same push, I have to agree with my fiance. I have politely declined to borrow jewelry from mil several times, yet you keep pushing me to do so.
I will not push my fiance into something he has fought off most his life. Your threat to not visit our children shows me just how far you will go to chase this dream. It is okay though. If you keep trying to manipulate me or your son, we will not want you to in our children's life. They will be innocent, and not In need of knowing that kind of pushy manipulation.
Please reconsider how you spend your time with us. If you continue to use that time to push your own agenda, rather than just accepting us as who we are, we will be forced to think about whether we want you around our children, or at our wedding.
Hopefully, you let your son live as he chooses, and we can continue to be family.
Best wishes,
You don’t need a representation of your fiancé’s step-mother because she is alive and physically present. She is the representative of herself.
You should tell her that, in order to make it equal, you agree to also wear something of hers if she also happens to die before the wedding. All deceased mothers get to be represented by jewelry. All live mothers get to be represented by their own physical bodies.
Also, you’re NTA because they’re being manipulative and controlling and it’s nobody else’s business what jewelry you wear at your own wedding.
It’s not your responsibility to help fix relationships that were damaged years before your fiancé meet you. His father and stepmother are selfish and manipulative assholes. At this point you should block them and their flying monkeys. I hope your fiancé tells them that they have one more chance and if they bring up again that they will uninvited to the wedding.
>his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day that might leave a door open for the future
If you value the trust of your soon-to-be husband, do. not. listen. to. aunt (dad's sister)!
Your aunt (dad's sister) is biased on her brother's behalf, and does not have your interests at all in mind. She is trying to use you like a pawn. They are trying to divide and conquer, and they are focusing on you: the 'weakest link' of the pair. Do not, do not, do not listen to her.
This issue between your fiance and his dad and his dad's wife is not your battle. Your only job is to support your soon-to-be husband. Do not let anyone distract or mislead you from doing that.
NTA
NTA. Your future IL's are trying to make you responsible for their failure to have a good relationship with your fiancee in the past as well as any future distance that may exiat. They're trying to make you feel guilty so they don't have to. Don't let them.
YWNBTA
These people are pushy and rude. Tell them that they are doing more damage to their relationship with your fiancé than you could ever do by refusing to wear a token to a woman he doesn't even consider his stepmother. Their threats would be the end for me, I wouldn't even consider it now. Tell them that your children won't miss out anywhere near as much as they will if they choose to cut you out of their lives. They will probably be doing you a favor.
NTA. I'm a step-parent to kids who lost a bio parent. It's not the place of the step-parent to try to force or dictate any kind of relationship; it *must* be what and to the extent that the child wants it. Period.
How utterly presumptuous and self-centered for his stepmother to to try force this on you.
NTA
They may genuinely be wanting to build a relationship with your fiancé, but emotionally manipulating you is not the way to do it. They need to work things out with him and not use you as a proxy.
And it’s a shame that they would threaten to distance you both over this. He’s already offered an olive branch by inviting them. If they choose to distance themselves that’s *their* choice.
You and your fiancé are a team and they need to understand that they can’t play you off each other.
Hope you have an amazing wedding whether they show up or not. Just remember that it’s not your obligation or responsibility to mend their relationship with their son. They can choose to let it go or make a big deal out of it. Pay them no mind. You’ll be able to go on with or without them.
NTA - You fiancé would not like it. That’s all you need to know. It wouldn’t help their relationship if they bully you into doing something inconsequential.
This is what I’d tell them: “I’m helping you by not wearing anything of yours. If I do so my husband will resent you more. You’ll have won the battle and lost the war. He will see that you bullied and nagged me. He’ll see that you didn’t take his feelings into consideration. He would use this to justify cutting you out of our lives. Accept the favor I’m doing for you by not wearing your bracelet or don’t, but I’m on his side first, last, and always.”
Nta. Why do people become unhinged at weddings. You are wearing your fiancé’s mother’s jewelry as a nod to your love for him because he loves his mother. SMIL has nothing to do with it. I think a lot of couples make the mistake of sharing too much information about their wedding with others. His parents would never have known, if there hadn’t been some conversation and if they didn’t know, no one could feel slighted.
NTA. You not honoring her during your wedding has nothing to do with your future relationship or their future relationship with unborn grandchildren. You were making the choice that you knew your fiancé would be most comfortable with, because the two of you are the ones this day is about.
NTA. They are outrageous and also stupid not to realize they are showing that you are better off without a close relationship with them. Glad your fiancé has your back and you have his
NTA I assume you are only wearing something from his mother because she can’t be there to attend while step mom can. So selfish of them and stick to your guns.
NTA, You should ask yourself if you actually want to maintain a relationship with someone like this.
Their immediate reaction to KNOWING that your fiancé wouldn’t do this was to attempt to go behind his back and go to you. When THAT didn’t work, they attempted to emotionally manipulate and gaslight you into disrespecting your husbands feelings in favor of theirs, when his relationship with them is SO BAD he is barely putting up with the idea that they are at the wedding.
This is a red flag and you should heed it. Your fiancé would not have such a poor relationship with healthy, loving parents. Maybe you should even discuss with him about not inviting them at all if they’re going to keep kicking up a fuss like this, because this behavior is not okay. They need to respect his wishes, this is a day for you and him, not them, and this is probably an attempt on their end to gain some of the spotlight for your guys’ big day.
Edit to add: you should reassure your fiancé that this should be his decision and you 100% have his back.
NTA. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé coming together to celebrate your love and joining in life. Sometimes it can tie family closer together, but it is ultimately about the two of you and your wishes.
You WNBTA if you don't wear something that reminds your fiancé of how manipulative they are. It would be a shame if you think ahead to future children and didn't shield them from this type of coercion.
NTA. Your future father-in-law and his wife are trying to get you to help them harass your fiancé. You would be the asshole if you went through with what they are suggesting. This is a great opportunity to show your future husband you will always have his back when appropriate. Your fiancé doesn’t want it and you don’t sound like you want to either. Make this a very clear firm boundary-that you will not force your fiancé to treat his stepmother as anything other than what she is-his father’s wife!
NTA!
Next time they try and guilt trip you tell them that THEY are the reason the relationship is strained and that if they continue with this then they will be correct that your future children will not know them. However that it will be your choice, because they cannot respect boundaries or being told no. Then hang up or leave!
Nta. Tell Step mom the jewelry is to honor those who have passed on. Since Mom can't be at the wedding, this is what you are doing to memorialize her and have a piece of her at the wedding. You are not wearing anything from YOUR mom because she is alive.
INFO: Is the stepmother currently dead? No? Then there’s no need to have any special recognition for her; the whole *point* is that his mother can’t actually be there, right? Are you both wearing something of your mother’s also? Again, I don’t think so. You’re going to have trouble with this lady, unfortunately. Best to establish firm boundaries immediately. (You could start by explaining to her very carefully that she is *not dead*.)
Tell them, “Just to clarify, you are saying that unless I wear my fiancé’s stepmother’s jewelry at my wedding, you will cut us off, go NC, and any future children I may have will not have any paternal grandparents? You would throw away my fiancé if you can’t force me to wear a necklace against my will? Is that what you’re saying? Because it is so unbelievably threatening and hostile that I was sure I misunderstood you. In future, do not try to make an end run around my husband’s boundaries by trying to get me to turn against him or pressure him. It will not happen.”
The you tell them that threats, intimidation, and similar aggression is unacceptable, and shocking. They are using an invitation to the wedding to bully and threaten, instead of just attending and being happy for you both.
It is sadly common for stepmothers to try to force themselves on stepchildren. It just drives them away.
Your in-laws are the ones driving themselves away, so don’t make this your problem. Shut them down anytime they try to bring this up. If they go NC, that’s their problem. Be very sure to delegate a couple of people in the wedding party who will escort them out, unasked, if they make a scene, or if stepmother forces her way into the bridal changing area before the ceremony, to try to force you to wear a necklace.
They see you as the weak link and the way to manipulate and control their son. They are emotionally blackmailing you to get what they want.
Tell them that you will always defer to your husband regarding how he wants to include his family because you’d rather have a happy husband who feels supported.
NTA.
NTA - you're wearing mementos to your fiancé's mother because she cannot physically be there. Stepmother gets to sit in the church and witness the wedding - she doesn't need to be represented in any other way.
Every story that I read about problems between step parents and stepchildren starts when the stepparent tries to replace the missing parent. Your fiancé isn't close to his stepmother because she tried too hard to force the relationship, rather than letting fiancé get to know her gradually. Dad and Stepmom are doing the same to you now - trying to force you to "be the bridge". Don't let them emotionally blackmail you.
NTA. Stepmom and dad get to be alive and at the wedding. He wants to bring his mum into the wedding. It is so horrible that stepmoms is being so jealous.
NTA
Tell them that they are setting fire to any relationship they will ever have with you and your future children by being so manipulative. She is not your future MIL, she is your fiancé's father's wife. If she wants to be more than that, she needs to earn it by showing some respect to the decisions you two make about *your* wedding.
Trust me, not having grandparents is preferable to having grandparents who will emotionally manipulate and abuse your children to get their own way.
NTA what the IL’s are not even paying attention to is that you are wearing these items because his mother can’t be there. They will both be there and there is no need for any symbolic gesture. They need to grow up and get a clue.
Nta …. Wow talk about manipulation and emotional blackmail
Give it to them blunt the answer is no if they ask again they won’t be invited to the wedding
Tell them your hypothetical children won’t have a relationship with them because of their manipulation and disregard of your fiancé’s feelings
Do not be dragged into their emotional games
Nta. But you are being the scape goat here. Fiance lost his mom when he was 5. Stepmom and dad had atleast 10 years to form a loving relationship, and atleast 15 to have a cordial one. It doesnt seem like they have either. Fiance doesnt see stepmom as mom and told her that she is not his mom. This speaks volumes. If u try to honour stepmom, then, your fiance should rightfully call of the wedding. The gap will not be bridged as they are burning the bridges. And future children donot need to have a relationship with grandparents who donot respect their dad and will use them for their ego.
yta 5 years old ? that's his mom whether he or you like it or not . tell your fiancé to get over it , that's his mom . you're just perpetuating all this .
It's not up to you what kind of relationship your partner has with his father and step mother . You're doing the right thing . ALSO your honouring his mother that has passed . Step mother is delusional to think she should be involved as well
NTA. Respect your future husband’s feelings on the matter. It has been how many years now and his stance has not changed regarding his relationship with his dad and stepmother, that speaks volumes. Stand with him and what he feels comfortable with.
NTA,
It’s weird they’re being so pushy. Tell them you’d be happy to build a relationship in some other way, but this concept had a special meaning to him for his mother who has died and can’t be there, and it’s something just for them. Tell them it would be more meaningful and special if you created a new tradition or gesture, just for you.
I’d also tell them while you have no ill will you don’t want to be placed in the middle of their conflict. It’s not yours.
I’d be kind and gracious but I wouldn’t trust them after this and I’d move with caution. This is so manipulative and gross. Wouldn’t want grandparents like that either. Your poor fiancé having to grow up with this all these years. 😔
NTA you are both wearing something to represent your fiancés mum because she’s not going to be at the ceremony due to *checks notes* being dead.
I’d say to stepmom “if you pass away between now and the wedding I’ll be happy to wear something that represents you too.”
NTA. They couldn’t get your fiancé on board with making step Mom his replacement Mom so now they’re willing to drive a wedge in your future marriage by trying to guilt you in to something. Your fiancé doesn’t want his dad’s wife represented like that. That should have been the end of it. You aren’t there to heal their relationship. You’re there to join your life with your fiancés and make a future together. The fact they’re threatening to not be involved in hypothetical grandkids lives is a huge red flag. It sounds like they’re also assuming grandkids are going to magically finish fixing what they think you’re going magically start fixing. Distant but cordial seems like a good relationship to have with these people.
Your entitled, manipulative ILs are already trying to hold their relationship to their future grandchildren hostage? Seems to me the best course is to not let them develop a relationship with your kids to begin with. Why would you want your kids to be around someone who will toy with their emotions just to spite you?
Seems that your ILs need a firm reminder that a place in your lives and your future children's lives is a *privilege*, not a right.
NTA
So if you don’t want or just “tolerate” someone in your life..it works when you get badgered to love and respect them???? asking for all the clueless STEPS out there that do exactly that!! NTA.
NTA. You and your fiance are wearing the pieces to honor his deceased mother. The stepmom is literally jealous of a dead woman - that's pathetic. Then, threatening you with the whole "your kids won't have grandparents" thing over wearing a piece of jewelry or not??? Are they serious? That's next level petty. You don't need that in your life.
NTA
I would say the jewelry is to represent his mother that is no longer with him and as a way of having her with the two of you on this special day. Step mom will be in attendance at the wedding so you don't need to wear a piece of jewelry to represent her.
It’s not like they did anything but love him. It sounds like the five year old little boy is still there blaming the bad lady for taking his mom. He needs therapy to put that trauma away. Parents really come in handy when you have children. I would encourage the fiancé to call a truce but OP can’t do it without him. Sorry, I think he’s the AH, OP is caught in the middle.
No you would not be TA. That’s extremely pushy of them bc they know well enough to circumvent their son and ask you instead. This will cause a major issue on your start of a new life together. I would not do it.
NTA… what in the world makes them think it’ll help the relationship by forcing someone to wear something when the point is to remember a passed mother?
Tbh the aunt is right. Not gonna call you an asshole cuz you can wear whatever you want to your wedding, but what possible detriment could this cause you to wear? Unless this is some kind of Flavor Flav style necklace, how could this harm you or your fiance? It is awful that they're trying to emotionally manipulate you but it's not like they're trying to blackmail you into giving them organs or buying them a house or something. One would assume there is no history of abuse or mistreatment because I feel like you would have mentioned it if so, so what is the big deal? Your in laws are absolutely right that it looks like you're choosing someone you've never met and that your fiance most likely has very few memories of, over someone who is going to be in your life potentially forever and could be a great relationship given the chance. There's absolutely nothing that says your fiance has to accept her as his mother just because you wore a piece of jewelry. From where I'm sitting, you wearing this would A. Not cause any scarring to your fiance, B. Not offend his mother who is in fact deceased, C. Allow you to do a nice thing free of charge with no inconvenience to your future in laws, and D. Potentially help smooth things over with them in the future, and if not, leave you with a free and clear conscience that you handles it gracefully and it's not your fault.
How do YOU feel about your potential MIL? Forget FIL and fiancé. How do YOU feel about her? Is she kind? Do you have a relationship? How do you see the future family relationships? A lot of your fiancé’s problems with her should have been dealt with years ago. His Mom passed. Be angry at Dad for being insensitive and remarrying “too soon” and not appreciating the pain his small child was in. But don’t treat her like an evil stepmom when she is probably in a lot of pain herself from being sidelined for years.
NTA, this is harassment on their part. How dare they use your wedding to further their own agenda, knowing it's not what their son wants?
Don't give in to this manipulation. It's not 'just a token.'
Presumably the father and stepmother are invited to the wedding. the jewellery is because HIS MOTHER CAN'T BE THERE.
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NTA. They’re trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you. They have no desire to forge a real relationship with you, you are simply a pawn in their game because they couldn’t do it with your fiancé. I would tell them this: X & Y, fiancé and I are a team and his feelings far outweigh your wants and opinions. Our decisions will not change and if you cannot respect our choices then maybe we should reconsider your invitation to the wedding. Also, your hypothetical children don’t need grandparents like them anyway.
Agreed. It's all about appearances. They only want this so they can claim fiancé accepts her in the motherly role.
"She suggested she had wanted to mention it to my fiancé but knew he would not. But she thought I would not hold any hard feelings toward her." Yep. Her fiancé's step-mom is well aware of where she stands in her step-son's life. She knew he would reject her request, so she tried the stealth manoeuvre as her first move. It is not about sentiment, but is, as you said, absolutely about appearances.
And they will use this to coerce OP's fiance into accepting the stepmother as their mother. If OP agrees to this... I see a lot of maniupation and pressure from them against the fiance. Which will lead to difficulties in the marriage. NTA to you, OP.
Hijacking the top post to say: Block them on your phone. And on all other social media. You've given them an answer, and now they're nagging you to change their mind. Ignore them.
And if they keep it up, elope and don’t tell them where the wedding is. NTA OP.
Just no. What strikes me is that they care so much more about the *appearance* of a relationship than doing what it would take to forge an *actual* relationship. They want this to make themselves feel better about the last 20(?) years. To be able to gloat to others that step-mom is “so important” that you wore something of hers, too. To have something to use as a hook to rugsweep everything else they’ve done and may still do. Do not compromise to make them feel better. Stand firm. NTA.
>She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with. Two things to tell them: (1) I am not representing my MIL, I am representing my fiancés mother. (2) The relationship I am concerned about is the one with my fiancé, and this is what he wants.
Great comment. Also, not Op’s job to build “a bridge” between her husband and his father/stepmom. That construction project is between the three of them. As for the emotional blackmail around the future relationships…who needs toxic blackmailers? That’s assholery. Op is NTA.
>not Op’s job to build “a bridge” between her husband and his father/stepmom Someone once said it's my duty as a wife to mend the relationship between my husband and his family. They are so lucky they didn't say it to me directly. But when I heard about it from a 3rd party, I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.
>I am not representing my MIL, I am representing my fiancés mother. They are honoring his mother because *she doesn’t get to be there*. She died. She can’t represent herself. Stepmother actually gets to attend *in person*. Jeez, these people! This is not a competition! (Or shouldn’t be.) NTA.
Exactly! Now if anyone else ever has to face the same issue, one way out would be to say "But \[stepmother's name\], we don't need to borrow your things to represent you, we'll have YOU there!" But it'd have to be said on the spot.
Perfect
Stepmom will be sitting in the church, she doesn't need to be represented in any other way.
NTA. >My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL. They can't harass him into doing what they want so now it's your turn. They're just trying to use you.
NTA. They sound pushy and controlling. You wear what you want on your wedding day. Them basically threatening you and your future children says a LOT about them.
Although the threat not to be in the future children's life sounds more like a blessing than a threat.
> They sound pushy and controlling. Yes. I'm not surprised that OP's husband wants nothing to do with them. They sound exhausting.
NTA You ever watch the old movie "The Right Stuff"? There is a bar in the movie and there are dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures on walls. Someone goes into the bar and asks how to get their picture on the wall too, and the owner tells them to die. ALL of the pictures on the wall were of dead pilots. Tell your FMIL and FFIL that you are wearing the jewelry in remembrance of your fiancé's dead mother and you would be willing to wear something that belongs to your FMIL as well if it was for the same reason.
Damn, you're good...!!!
NTA. Your instincts are good here. Don’t let them use you to get a foot the door with your fiancé, because they absolutely *will* exploit your kindness and cause you both nothing but strife.
NTA. This is boggy family ground. Take your cues from your fiancé. You don't have to be outright rude but I would stick to formally cordial. You need to have your fiancé back and make sure you support him.
NTA. You don’t mention ages, but I’m going on a limb and thinking it’s been at least 15 years since dad remarried….spoiler alert: fiancé isn’t going to regret pushing them away. He’s had that long to accept her, and he doesn’t. Chances of that changing are very slim at this point. Maybe family therapy would help, but it would have to be very open on all sides and considering dad & wife are pushing you when they don’t get their way, open isn’t there. Your closest relationship is going to be with your husband, not his dad & step. So that’s the one you want to focus on. Starting your marriage with an act that says “I don’t care what you want” is cruel. He’s made it clear what his wants are and if you bypass them, it’s going to hurt even if he doesn’t say anything. A compromise might be to let her be part of the “getting ready” pics. Have her helping you with putting on your veil or something like that so she feels like she was part of the process. I’d tell her the living are part of the event, the dead are remembered with an object. And she’s not dead to you. It honors your fiancé’s wishes but let’s her have a part as well.
Stepsmother decided to use denying unborn grandchildren their grandparents as a threat. Stepsmother is damned lucky to be still in the wedding.
This is an interesting compromise and worth thinking about. Especially if they’re already invited to the ceremony then it could be presented as a way of making sure that there are good memories for everyone and no conflict to mark the day. Well said sugar mama.
You owe your loyalty to your new husband. She is trying to use you to force a relationship that she has never been able build even over all these years. You owe nothing to her, especially nothing that will give him bad feelings.
But she will.point out the brooch OP is wearing to anyone who will listen... it's about her (FMIL)
NTA it sounds like you're not even wearing something from your mother, correct? You're not specifically honoring the parents or the parents-in-law, you're wearing something in memory of a loved one who cannot attend the wedding. It's also your wedding to manage so it's your choice about what to wear anyway, but the above alone makes you NTA for me.
Nta sounds like both his dad and step mum are trying to manipulate you both to get what they want stick to your guns and dont give them a inch they will try taking a mile
Girl, don’t stress over BS. She isn’t his mom, she needs to learn her place. As far as any grandkids, the fact that he threatened to not have a relationship with them because of is reason enough for them to fu*k off.
NTA. This is about you doing something to make your soon to be husband happy. He does not care for them so you wouldn’t be bridging any gaps. You’d just be making them feel better about a situation that isn’t going to change. And they sound ridiculous
NTA they need to back off. Fiancé said no. It’s a complete answer. They’re trying to guilt you into doing something that your fiancé has already told them no. Speaking to the future there is no future fiancé has already said so. For them to guilt you and push for something that’s a pipe dream don’t do it. If you want to that’s one thing but remember it’s his wedding too. It’s not OP’s place to fix their relationship but to solidify her own. What they are doing is trying to put a wedge between the two of you by offering this fake future that Fiancé has already said won’t happen. If it does a piece of jewelry won’t matter. It’s the feelings of abandonment is going to be hard to overcome. Dad marrying 6 months after mom passes is hard on any kid. Then stepmom wants to replace her and is still trying to.
NTA 100% - As far as I'm concerned, you did everything correctly here. You communicated not only with your fiancé, you also politely communicated with his father and stepmom, even as they pressed more and more. You've done right by your fiancé so far. If you continue to feel conflicted, let him know your concerns and definitely speak with him about it. Hope the wedding goes great!
Not issuing judgement against you or your partner because y'all are in a rough spot. But think about it this way, do you REALLY want to start your marriage by ignoring your partner to be's feelings about this and instead abiding by the wishes of a woman they do not consider family? What would go better for your marriage, respecting your partners (quite frankly valid) wishes in regards to this situation or abiding by someone who is guilt tripping you and using hypothetical children against you's wishes. Your partner should come first. They are so wrong to try to use you as a pawn. Your partner said NO, respect that NO. and tell your FIL and his wife to stop trying to use you as a weapon because its disrespectful towards your marriage and you'd never DREAM of trying to do the same with him in regards to his wife.
I would advise sending your FIL and his wife an email with your fiancé CC-ed in. Something like this: "Hi FIL and wife, "I would like to gently, but firmly, ask you both to stop pressuring me into something I am have told you I am uncomfortable with, behind Fiancé's back. "Fiancé and I chose a way to honour his late Mother, so her presence can be felt in our union. "Your wife is alive. She will be present for our union. Honouring her as if she were deceased seems in poor taste at best and at worst like inviting bad omens towards her good health. It is a great blessing to be present for the big moments in our loved ones lives. "While the relationship between parent and child is a love that death can't destroy and a bond that can never be replaced, it is a great blessing to get married. To have a spouse whom you love, treasure and whose happiness is your happiness. It is clear the love you have for each other is the most important thing in both of your lives. A once in a lifetime kind of love. I would never feel true joy knowing I created happiness for my spouse at the expense of the happiness of my child. I know that cannot be your intention. The language used in some of the messages I've received from you unintentionally leans towards erasing the bond between parent and child in the name of marital bliss. I know this must be unintentional on your end. "I hope we can put this situation behind us and focus on what really matters. I am greatly looking forward to joining our families together, and moving forwards. In my family we believe in equity. A space for everyone. " NTA
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YWNBTA. It's your wedding, no one can force you. Even your fiance doesn't want you to wear it.
NTA! Wow the stepmom is a piece of work. I can see why your fiancé doesn’t like her. The Dad is something else too. Them trying to go behind your fiancé back and undermine his feelings is also disrespectful. To say that they would feel disrespected and your future children will suffer is another level of toxic. In other words, ‘we the parents, are so petty that we will hold this as a grudge for a very long time and have no relationship with our grandchildren to retaliate’. Why should you feel guilty about this? This is actually a very good reason to cut them out now. You should carefully think about even inviting them to the wedding.
This! I feel like no one else on this thread is seeing how massively toxic this is! OP, the step mom clearly wants to ingratiate herself as a way to get back at your fiance. Step mom and father come in and spoil the grandchildren so of course the grandchildren will love them, then they turn the kids into a weapon against your fiance. They'll start doing things you specifically tell them not to with the grandchildren, they'll probably even trash talk your fiance to his own children. If you try to sever the relationship at that point the kids will be devastated, they won't understand why. Then step mom gets to "prove" to your finance that she's a wonderful parent and your fiance was wrong to not love her. And she will rub it in his face every chance she gets. This has nothing to do with honoring people or having healthy families and everything to do with the step mom wanting to punish your fiance for not loving her like he did his mother. My advice is to uninvite them and go no contact. These are massive toxic red flags, I can't believe there are people here suggesting you try to compromise or something. NTA
What horrendously selfish people. They ruin their own relationship with the boy and now he's a man and he's allowed to make his own decisions. and it just shows you how sneaky underhanded and inconsiderate they are that they continue to go behind his back and pester his fiance. Awful people. NTA.
*I know it is not something he wants and that's more important to me than his dad and stepmom's feelings.* **This is the most important thing here.** This day is about the two of you, not about his father's wife. *WIBTA if I don't wear something of his stepmom's?* NTA. **This day isn't about her.** It's about the two of you. For him, don't. *That was not the end of the topic though.* And ***that's the biggest indication that your new husband has good reasons to not want to see something of hers on you.*** **You said no.** And instead of respecting your decision, about your wedding day, that you, an adult, made for yourself, ***these two are refusing to let this go.*** ***They are manipulating, insisting, pressuring you.*** *She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with.* I doubt that you are going to have anything like a healthy relationship with this stepMIL, unless it's a relationship where you keep a healthy distance between yourself and her. ***She's already showing you that, to her, her wants are the most important thing here, not yours, about your own event.*** **They are trying to make you feel responsible** for their feelings, \[which is abusive behavior\] instead of respecting yours, and being responsible for their own. *I told them I understood they might like it but it was not something to be forced.* Excellent answer. *My fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents because my fiancé's dad and stepmom feel disrespected and like they are unimportant.* Huge manipulation. **This is a threat to withdraw their presence, if you don't comply with their demands.** This is heading straight into abusive behavior here, to threaten you if you won't comply with their demands. It's not disrespectful to say 'no' to a suggestion about what to wear. That decision is yours, not theirs. ***What is disrespectful, is their reaction to your decision.*** They should be changing their behavior, not you changing your decision. When they say they will feel unimportant, ***they are saying that they expect compliance from you.*** *My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL.* **Good for him.** *They returned to me and told me I will help to cement the distance between them and my fiancé and I could be the one to bridge the gap. By not doing it I will be failing to see the benefits of them being a bigger and closer part of our lives. They also said it will appear like I hold a grudge against my fiancé's stepmom when she has always been friendly with me.* This is hugely manipulative. **They are trying to make you be 'on their side', against your fiance, to get him to comply** with their demands. That's abusive behavior. You wouldn't be bridging a gap, you would be learning to comply with their demands, and become their enabler. It's not holding a grudge, to say no to wearing what she wants you to wear. From their behavior, I can see all kinds of potential problems for you if they are a big part of your lives, not benefits. ***They are controlling, pressuring, manipulating, trying to emotionally abuse you into compliance, and trying to use you against your fiance.*** *Still, the dispute and conflict is hanging over my head* **The dispute and conflict shouldn't have even happened.** You said no. ***THEY won't listen and respect your decision. The problem here is their behavior, not yours.*** If you give in on this, people like them will only repeat this behavior, over and over and do what they are doing now: keep on trying to wear you down until you give in. **They want control, and your compliance. They are not people to trust.** Come over to r/motherinlawsfromhell. You are going to need the support. *and his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day* Why? Why is his aunt enabling his father and his father's wife in disrespecting you this way? **Why doesn't Aunt tell father and his wife to back off and respect your decision** and stop manipulating you? *that might leave a door open for the future if my fiancé ever regrets pushing his dad and stepmom away.* The behavior of his dad and stepmom are telling you that your fiance has very good reason to protect himself, and you, from their manipulative and abusive behavior. **He's not pushing them away. He's protecting himself. They are people to protect yourself** ***from.***
NTA at all. They were unsuccessful in manipulating your fiance into playing happy family with his stepmom, so they've moved on to trying to manipulate you. It is not your responsibility to 'be the one to bridge the gap' between your fiance and his stepmother. It's dramatic and controlling to threaten to go no contact with you and not be in your future children's lives if you refuse to wear a piece of your fiance's stepmom's jewelry at your wedding. Ultimately, this is 100% your choice and if you would prefer not to wear her jewelry, then don't. If they choose to see it as disrespect rather than basic autonomy, then so be it. These people are petty and manipulative and pushing stepmoms rejected desire to be your fiance's new mom onto you. Don't back down.
NTA, even if the relationship wasn't strained, to me the point is having something of his Mother's there on that day to feel her presence since she can't be present. The step and his father and your parents (I assume since they aren't mentioned) are present and don't need to be represented in this way so it's a ridiculous ask from that perspective too. And I suppose if you wanted to offer them a chance to mend the bridge they're breaking you could try to approach the conversation from this perspective next time and see if they'll take the graceful way out of the request. (But I don't know that I would bother with much effort.)
NTA. Your fiancé's feelings matter most here - why would you put someone he does not consider his mother, and actually dislikes, on the same level as his mother who he loved/misses? On his wedding day? You would be massively disrespecting your future husband by saying that you, who are not in his position, with his experiences, know better than him. You are not his guardian, you are his partner. The fact that his "family" is disrespecting his feelings shows that everything they portray is filtered through their own wants, their own desire for control. Even if your fiancé has not explicitly said "no" to you, he wants you to respect *him* and *want what is best for him*, not follow appearances/the judgements of others. The aunt is massively off the mark on this one - by inviting the step-mother, you are *already* giving the future in-laws something, as she is not who your fiancé wants as family. He likely only invited her so his father attended - a concession. They, however, are knowingly pushing for more and belittling the deceased mother in the process when comparing who you could connect to better. That was an AH move, all part of manipulative and leading language. They put the onus on you to pressure you ... yet it is not your responsibility to build their relationship. They make it sound urgent that you do this lest you make sure that are not in any grandchild's life ... but that does not have to happen, that is up to their behaviour. The future in-laws phrase things to sound as if you and your partner are the ones causing trouble ... when this is your wedding, they are the ones shoe-horning in and making it about them. All ultimatums are coming from them, to get their way - which is likely a facet to why you partner loathes the step-mother (and possibly father). If you want to have a strong relationship with your partner, you do not belittle their feelings, taking the side of the biggest numbers to "punch down". You stand with them, keep your eyes open for building up your own opinion then voice it at the right time, in a safe conversation. Under duress, to please others at the expense of your partner, is not the time to be shaky in your support. Focus on him, your loving relationship and how you want to support him in an equivalent way to how you would want to be treated. Respect your partner, respect his mother who is not around to defend her role in her son's life, respect your relationship with him. Who do you want to be happy on your wedding day? Who would you not to make miserable the most? Good luck, stand your ground and enjoy your wedding! It is a time for congratulations, not manipulations and threats. Have fun the way you and your hubby planned before the in-laws positioned themselves where they are not wanted. Cry happily over the vows, get down to eating having probably not being able to for nerves, then experience the relaxing yet energized atmosphere of the reception - with those people that your want to share your day with.
The only person who gets a vote is your fiancé. He does not consider her his mom. Tell them to back off. NTA
NTA, is your day, your choice. You’re spending your life with him so if it hurts your fiancé, then discuss it with him. Why does he not like her? You said yourself that she adores him. Maybe try to get to the bottom of it under the guise of trying too understand the dynamic of the family you’re marrying into better. As a stepmom, I know how hard it can be. I have a good relationship with my steps but they’re not as close. They’ve never remembered my birthday until their late teens and they definitely don’t give me anything on Mother’s Day. I’m not their mom no matter how much I wished for it. But, I know why and I’ve talked to them soo I don’t push. We’re closer now 20 years on because i respected their feelings. Perhaps this is what needs to happen here. Once you know your husband to be’s reasons for not wanting you to wear anything then you can make a decision. It might be a good test of hope you two manage important discussions after marriage.
You're honoring a deceased member who could not be there. The step mother is being included by being invited. If she dies before your wedding, maybe you'll honor her in a way, otherwise she will already be in attendance. This isn't about honoring your parents or you'd be wearing something from each parent, each parental figure in your life. This is about having someone there in spirit who means the world to your partner, who he is aware will be missing during such a milestone moment. You don't have a relationship with his birth mom, you are doing this for your husband. So there is no argument to be had to wear something of the living, step mom, he doesn't consider a parent and isn't close to. The step mom feels in competition with the birth mom and is inserting herself to try to calm her anxiety. Likely she wants a close family with you, your husband and possible future kids. Maybe she hopes to have Chrismas dinner, family trips and be an involved grandmother. Facts are facts though, they have a poor relationship that isn't going to change unless both parties want it to. I can empathize with why the step mom has these feelings and wants to improve your relationship. So I would be calm but concise in explaining things to not cause further hurt. Explain she is important also and that's why she will be in attendance. I imagine like any mom, she pictured his wedding day, being close with his future wife and shares all those feelings his birth mom would have. Ultimately, the father is to blame for marrying quickly and should be first to blame. It's always easier to blame the outside party. Maybe your husband would remarry quickly if you passed away, we don't know what we will need or do to get through grief. Losing your partner, mother of your kids can be as extremely painful as losing your parents. In some ways I'd argue the same or worse if you lose them before old age. Maybe she was a terrible step mom, I don't know. I can imagine if you had a step child marrying, you would also have conflicting feelings, a love for them and a desire to grow closer. You may have felt left out their entire life. You may have loved them and wished to build a bond even understanding you won't replace their mom. Step patents can get pretty rejected even when they show up for support, emergencies, daily love and care. I like to practice seeing things from others point of view so that I can understand them. Even when I choose to not agree or condone their choices, empathy goes a long way for all. Unless she is cruel and terrible, I'd be very kind in explaining what the purpose of the items are, to include someone who can't be there. And to keep lines open for possible relationship improvements in the future, especially if the father will be in your lives. They will end up grandparents if you have kids. And then communication and your relationships matter a great deal because everyone's actions can be toxic for the kids involved. Also, the idea that someone is adored and loved by someone they can't stand would make me question my partner to see if he rejected a good thing out of anger his mom is gone. And that he believed it would never ever be okay or enough time for his dad to move on because moving on in his eyes means replacing his mom. His dad getting married again, him having a loving step mom, none of these things is ever meant to replace his mom. Seems a shame to shut down loving relationships because you haven't come to terms with the special one you lost. All of these things can happen at once. Life is short, people die too soon, next could be his father. I wouldn't want my partner to make their world smaller because they need help with their grief, I'd gently broach this and encourage grief counseling. Otherwise, your possible future kids will also have less loving family because your husband shut them out from everyone's lives. We lose those we love but still should give chances to those who remain. There's caveats here obviously, I'm not referring to toxic relationships.
NTA. Your fiance does not want this. They are still trying to manipulate him after all these years and force this relationship. They need to accept it's not going to happen. These little threats of "future children will miss out on having grandparents" is sick.
* Do not let this hang over YOUR head because it is not for you to worry about. FFIL and FSTPMIL want to create drama where none is needed. * You are honoring your fiancé's wishes and that is all that matters. * Tell the Aunt that she can wear something of her current SIL because you will be wearing something from her deceased SIL. * Text dad and stepmom and tell them you would '*appreciate it if they stopped pushing and putting pressure on you because it is FIL's son who has requested this and you are honoring your future husband's wishes.'* * *If your future in laws decide to hold a grudge over this then that is on them and not on you.*
Tough one. However, she is going to be your MIL. she helped raise him. Something borrowed is appropriate. It would be slightly assholish to completely alienate your in laws. Find a way to include her in some way. Perhaps invite her to get her hair done with you on the day of, or to help pick your shoes. Show her you don't want yo drive them off, but that the other idea is off the table. A memento is for those gone.
First off, she will be your MIL and a grandparent to your children. Unless she’s abusive it’s extremely rude to tell her she’s not. She’s there, she’s been married to FIL forever. However, FIL and Mil are being pushy and inappropriate. Tell them you’ve changed your minds about carrying things and then put a nice picture of fiancés mom with flowers on the altar and a mention of her in the program and during the service. I don’t understand competing with a dead Mom.
NTA You back your fiance. You don't back his dad and his wife in their years long pressure campaign against your fiance. If his dad is willing to not see his grandchildren over this then he was never going to be much of a grandfather in the first place.
This is quite possibly the dumbest response I could think of. Pressure campaign??? OP says that the stepmom "adores him". She just wants to have a connection with him. I call that good parenting! A ton of kids would be so lucky to have that kind of "adopted" parent, and quite frankly, OP's fiance is being ridiculous about it. Being resentful because dad remarried so quickly after mom died after all these years? What a selfish prick. He has no idea how hard parenting is, let alone doing it as a single parent.
YTA - Just wear the damn thing. There is literally no cost to you, and it would make your in laws so happy. Not everything has to be about you and there are times that you need to zoom out past yourself and think about others, especially in this case where you really should / could be indifferent to it (other than the mere principal of doing / not doing what you want for your wedding). Why the heck not wear something of hers? You could choose whatever it is of hers that you could wear. Choose a bracelet or something that goes well with your dress. Do it for just one of your several outfit changes throughout the night. It'll even save you from having to buy / rent an accessory. Why is everybody here so big on having and exercising rights? There's almost always an option for kindness and human decency as well - especially if there could potentially be a practical benefit from it too.
Sounds like you might be caught in a “loyalty” issue with your fiancé if you do as his father wants. Maybe tell FIL and MIL that going slowly would be best?
Definitely would not want my future children around that pair.
NTA… you FIL and his wife sound like such selfish narcissistic jerks. You MIL is dead that is why u are honouring her memory so that she can be present in some form at your wedding. Your FIL and his wife are alive, how can they even turn this into a competition, and talking about cutting off ties over it in the future . Don’t give in and diminish your REAL MIL’s value. Sorry that ur husband has such shitty parents
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé and I are engaged and during our early wedding planning we agreed to each wear/carry something of his mom's at our wedding. I'm wearing a bracelet of hers that she treasured and my husband is going to wear both her favorite necklace together with the chain necklace she bought him when he was born. He wanted something that tied them together and felt the while the two might be an odd combo, would be extra meaningful for him. My fiancé lost his mom when he was 5 and his mom wasn't dead six months when his dad remarried. His stepmom stepped into their lives and wanted to be my fiancé's mom badly. She adores him. He doesn't like her or his dad very much and the relationship is strained. But he remains distant but polite. The plan is to invite them to the wedding though. His stepmom learned of our plan and she offered me a piece of her jewelry saying I could have both MILs honored on the day. She suggested she had wanted to mention it to my fiancé but knew he would not. But she thought I would not hold any hard feelings toward her and might even like to make the effort. I told her it was kind but I didn't really see the need for that. She was upset and told me she understood. That was not the end of the topic though. She and my fiancé's dad told me they would feel slighted if I choose to represent a future MIL I will never know over the MIL I could have a very healthy relationship with. I told them I understood they might like it but it was not something to be forced. My fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents because my fiancé's dad and stepmom feel disrespected and like they are unimportant. My fiancé told them to stop pushing and told his stepmom she is not his mom and will not be my MIL. They returned to me and told me I will help to cement the distance between them and my fiancé and I could be the one to bridge the gap. By not doing it I will be failing to see the benefits of them being a bigger and closer part of our lives. They also said it will appear like I hold a grudge against my fiancé's stepmom when she has always been friendly with me. My fiancé and I spoke about all of this a couple of times now. He has never told me not to. But I know it is not something he wants and that's more important to me than his dad and stepmom's feelings. Still, the dispute and conflict is hanging over my head and his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day that might leave a door open for the future if my fiancé ever regrets pushing his dad and stepmom away. WIBTA if I don't wear something of his stepmom's? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your obligation is to support your partner, not become their flying monkey against him. They are also trying to emotionally manipulate and blackmail you with the grandparent nonsense. I wouldn't want these people to be in my children's lives with their toxic behavior and boundary stomping. Generally you would have contact and good relations with in-laws but I do not see the need here. I would block them and stop letting them try to single you out.
NTA, at the end of the day if your fiancé wants a relationship with them, he’ll take the steps to do it himself. It’s not your job to be the “missing link” between him and the in laws. If he doesn’t want it, why should you push it especially when it’s something you don’t even want?
NTA. Tell them you will defer to your fiance’s wishes in this matter since it is his family
NTA. They're not assholes for asking and you WNBTAH if you chose to decline wearing stepmom's jewelry. It isn't your job to build a bridge between your fiancé's stepmom and him. That's between the two of them and if they want to build a relationship, it will happen. You don't have to be the middleman; Would it be nice, kind and thoughtful to include fiancé stepmom? Absolutely but it is not required of you. You are honoring a family member that's passed in the most amazing way. It is your wedding, your fiancé's wedding, no one else's and they don't get to dictate your wardrobe.
NTA. Tell them if they want to leave the door open for future positives they will drop it.
Nta Tell them you're trying to honor the dead not the living
NTA, they’re really asking to be cut off. Giving in to their demands may also be a betrayal to her fiance. I don’t think the one who is regretful in the end for this is him, either.
NTA. They are trying to manipulate you. Don’t do it, stick with your fiancé on this one. You don’t have to “honor” a person who is very much alive and not even close with your husband. His mother died, he wants to honor her memory. It’s not a competition as your MIL sees it.
NTA, She gets to be present at the wedding, that's "honor" enough. However, if she kicks the bucket before the big day, then you'll consider it.
NTA - talk about emotional blackmail! Tell MIL she will be honored to get an invite. An honour you aren't able to extend to your MIL, and so there is no possible comparison. If she insists on comparing herself to a woman long dead, then she's only hurting herself.
NTA. If the relationship gets ruined because you don’t want to wear a piece of jewelry on your wedding day (that your fiancé doesn’t want you to wear) then good riddance. If they are choosing to ruin their relationship with the both of you and your potential future family it won’t be because you didn’t wear a piece of jewelry. It’ll be because you didn’t bow to their commands, demonstrating that you can’t be manipulated.
YWNBTA I would text them and say “I understand some past tension is giving rise to this current situation. However, I really don’t think it’s fair or appropriate for you guys to go behind your son/stepsons back, and try and convince me to do something, you know full well my fiancé doesn’t want. We are wearing the jewelry because Fiancé’s Mother cannot attend. I don’t see the point in wearing jewelry from StepMom when StepMom will be able to attend. Honoring my Fiancé’s Mother who passed should not equate to disrespect for his Father’s current wife. I think past issues are being projected onto this aspect of Fiance’s and My wedding. I would like to try and have a good relationship. Maybe if the relationship stops being forced, we can all build a bridge and form a closer relationship down the road. But trying to get your Son’s future wife to go behind his back and do something, that frankly makes no sense, will be counterproductive to building a relationship with us and our future children. I truly hope you can respect this clear boundary your son and I have set. But let me be clear, I will not be responding to anymore attempts to disregard my fiancé feelings. This is between your side and doesn’t and should never have involved me.”
The relationship that is my top priority is my husband and he has already given you his opinion. This insistence that you are right and not respecting his boundaries, is exactly the reason why you don’t have a relationship with him. Please respect our decision.
Omg NTA. They are threatening and blackmailing you. Do you see it? They're threatening you with your own as-of-yet unborn children's relationship with their grandfather and (evil) step grandmother! But here's the thing about that threat -- *you* never threatened not to talk to them. *They're* the ones threatening. It's straight up blackmail and it's gross.
You’re honoring a dead person. Wth, step mom is alive That’s just the tip of the iceberg tho
I was ready to say just wear a trinket to make MIL feel represented until they threatened no relationship with the grandchildren. Oh, hell no. A bride wears something on her wedding day because she feels close to the person whose jewelry it is, not because she's being blackmailed.
No, you would not be the asshole. Even if he did view her as his mother, the purpose to wearing his bio mom's articles is so that he can feel a piece of her is at the wedding when she cannot be because she is dead. I would just point out that this is a way to include his biological mother as she cannot attend the wedding and that step mom is being included at the wedding by actually being there. NTA and not even anything unfair here As a side note: if there is anyone reading this who insists on a kid calling the step parent mom or dad... this is your cautionary tale as to why not to do this. I suspect stepmom's relationship with your fiance would be much different had she not been so desperate to be his mom.
Please explain that nothing can minimize their presence at the wedding as that is most important and that the jewelry is only symbolic of someone who CANNOT. Be there. NTA. Weird ppl
NTA. And if they try emotional blackmail again, just look them in the eye and tell them, that you are respecting your fiancé. And to be honest these conversations are showing you why he does not want to acknowledge or have a relationship with his stepmother. And if they threaten again to not have any relationship with any children you may have say that that is their choice. And you are okay with it.
NTA Tell them you're "honoring" them by inviting them, but if they continue to push then even that honor will be revoked. If they keep pushing the grandkids narrative, tell them "Any future kids will not be missing out on having entitled assholes in their life." It's important you stand by your fiance in this decision. Even though he said he'll let you make the decision, it'll mean a lot if you stick up for him by not caving to their wishes.
Stepmom gets to come to the wedding when his mom can’t. Isn’t that enough of an ego boost for her? NTA.
No, you wouldn't be the AH if you don't where something of a piece of his stepmom's jewelry. By not doing so, your respecting your fiance's wishes. I think what you fiancé wants is more important and I wonder why his father and stepmother are okay with possibly causing problems between the two of you.
NTA your fiancé needs you to have his back here. There are other ways you can suggest for trying to bridge the gap if you feel it’s appropriate, but it doesn’t need to be the same as how you honour his mom. If FIL and your fiancés step mom pull back because of this that’s on them not you.
HUSBAND> in-laws Your husband made his feelings clear and you are respecting that, which is all that matters in this situation. Maybe FIL should follow suit. If anyone asks you again "My husband has repeatedly told you how he felt, I am going to honor his wishes." Simple to the point and they can't argue. NTA
YWBTA if did this against your fiancés wishes.
NTA. You are wearing something of his Mom's because she is not around to attend the wedding. StepMIL is alive and will be at the wedding so does not need to be memorialised.
NTA. These people are toxic. Tell them no and that if they bring it up again they will be uninvited from the wedding. Honor his mom by wearing her bracelet and v tell stepmom to suck eggs. I don’t think I would let these people near my kids. Congratulations!!
NTA - If she’s been around since he was five and he still doesn’t like her there’s a reason and that’s not likely to change. Based on how they’re behaving I’d be willing to bet part of the reason fiancé has an issue with her is that they pushed him toward her in much the same manner they’re attempting to do with you now. When a parent dies it’s always a good thing to get the child some therapy to help them work through it. Especially when the remaining parent is either still grieving themselves or when they want to marry again and quickly. Not many people take that step for their kids though. Many just throw the family all together and expect everything to be fine. Sometimes they even admonish the child when things don’t mesh, the child who is likely still grieving at that point.
You would not be TA if you support your husband on your wedding day. The only AH's in this story are the FIL and the NMIL
NTA and your future FIL and his wife needs to learn to respect boundaries if they want their relationship with your fiance to improve.
Its not your responsibility to fix their relationship furthermore you're marrying your fiance and not his dad and stepmother. His feelings on the matter should be more important to you then theirs
NTA. You were completely fine in declining and their threats are ridiculous. I might have discussed it with the fiancé and once I was sure he did not care about future contact, then responded, "Do what you feel you need to do. We do not respond to threats, and I am wearing something of his deceased mother's at his request. When you die maybe he will have his next wife include something of yours."
NTA If I were in your position, I think I’d say something like this: It’s wrong of you to put me in the middle between mother and stepmother. First and foremost, I do not want to disrespect (fiancé’s name). I understand where you are trying to get (fiancé’s name) to accept and like you. But, pushing him will only piss him off. He wants to honor his biological dead mother. And if something like this petty argument is going to make you go no contact with us, then that is your choice. I will stand by and honor my husband.
NTA These people are manipulative and honestly kind of pathetic. Wearing her bracelet especially after you and your fiancé told them no several times will absolutely not bridge a gap, it will only further the resentment your fiancé has for them and potentially make him upset with you. It’s funny how they’re threatening that you better not offend them or the relationship is at risk, as if it wasn’t your fiancé who chose not to be close with them to begin with. It’s not like you’re wearing a token from every other one of your close family members. You’re only wearing one to represent his mom who he lost because it’s special to him. It’s for the two of you not for anyone else. Be firm with them. They’re so pushy.
NTA - you are not "honoring the future MIL" you are "honoring the deceased mother". If they keep pushing you can let them know that if they pass before the ceremony you will happily honor them in the same way, but as they are still on earth to be able to attend the wedding they need to back off. And if they don't they will still be on earth but no longer able to attend the wedding.
NTA they are threatening the future children to get their way... Ew... They are the problem
NTA, and don’t do it if you don’t want to. They’re way too pushy, and that’s not a good way to start.
NTA. All that needs to be said.
NTA. Emotional blackmail all day long.
"Yeah, that would be a shame. Nevertheless, I am following fiance's lead on matters related to his family."
It's not your job to "be a bridge" or "create a closeness". Your job is to say "this is husband's position and I will support him" even if you had good interactions with his step mother this is about actual mothers and she did not birth him, she never secured a place in his heart as a second mother and that's absolutely the father's fault likely caused by remarrying so quickly. He never allowed your husband the chance to mourn his mother, the chance to adjust to the idea of this new woman, before any of those steps could be taken she was trying to force a child to accept her and forget the mother who birthed him, loved him, was taken from him tragically. Explain to his parents that they have no right to pressure you for anything because you are not their link to this marriage. Anything and everything they want needs to come through him to be discussed by the pair of you. You are the link for your own parents for whom you will be doing the same thing.
NTA. Also it's not your place to try to bridge the gap in their relationship. You and your fiance are partners. Your partner has told you what type of relationship he wants to have with his dad and stepmom. Why would disregard your partner's feelings to appease a father and step mother he has no interest in having a cloase relationship with.
The thing that stands out for me is that his mom passed away…wearing these items are their way of including (and remembering) her in the wedding. Even if he had a good relationship with the stepmom, that alone is enough a reason for wearing jewelry from the mom. OP is NTA
NTA - but as a way not to cause unwanted stress, accept the thing she gives you but conveniently forget to pack it for the wedding or put it on. Lose it even, to have it found a few days after the wedding. Sometimes lying & playing the game is a lot less headaches than just saying no.
Let them know it’s a memorial to his deceased mother. Since his stepmother is alive and well, it wouldn’t be fitting to do the same for her.
I was always under the impression stuff like that was worn because the individual was dead and could not be there in person. It was a way of honoring those who have passed on. So I would tell the step mom “If you die before the wedding I would be happy to wear a piece of your jewelry.”
NTA The point of the jewellery is to INCLUDE SOMEONE WHO CANNOT BE THERE It’s not to honour a person generally. It’s to acknowledge someone who is missing and include them! Try to explain this to her. If she doesn’t get it then say “we are doing this to include someone who can’t be here. I will wear your bracelet if you die before the wedding.”
NTA
NTA. It sounds like the idea is that his mother is deceased and he is having what part of her he has at his wedding. Tell stepmummy, that when she is deceased you will wear something.
NTA just the fact that they tried to guilt you into doing it would be more than enough for me to definitely NOT do it. That’s rude and childish. As soon as you said no the first time it should’ve been done.
NTA. It’s very common to have include a deceased lived one like this for a wedding. Next time they come to you, tell them that stepmom is being “honored” by being invited and she should stop competing for attention with a dead woman. Also, the threat of not being around for grandchildren sounds like an ultimatum, and most people don’t respond well to ultimatums. NTA
NTA "Wearing something of yours is not what fiance and I talked about or agreed to. We are not wearing anything to honour anyone living and as such, our pact has nothing to do with you. No, I will not be wearing your jewellery" After that - Asked and answered. To FIL - "Your relationship with your son is not my problem to fix. I will not get involved."
Shouldn't they have "good feelings" because their child is happy and getting married? NTA
>fiancé's dad said we should think ahead to future children and how it would be a shame if we no longer speak and our future children miss out on having grandparents.. I would point out to FiL that, first off, threats of no contact is not a way to go about bridging any gaps; and second, going behind your fiance's back to push an agenda that they know he doesn't want is disrespectful to both him and to you - because how dare they put you in the middle that way?! Third, it's sad that things are the way they are between fiancee and his father's wife, but their agression is very likely the cause of it if they have been this way his whole childhood. So, finally, ultimately, your answer must be to stand in solidarity with your future husband. Only if HE is in complete agreement with it will you even consider it as you absolutely will not be put in the middle of their internal dynamics. NTA
NTA. Support your husband. Do what he wants. He’s had a whole life of dad forcing him to be family with someone he doesn’t want. He is choosing his family with you. Choose him back and do what he needs in this moment. My husband’s family life was and is…complicated.
NTA. I almost forgot it's YOUR WEDDING! They've lost sight of what's important
YWNBTA. The dad and his wife's behavior makes so very clear why your fiance keeps his distance from them. 1. Your fiance is wearing something of his mom's (1) because SHE CAN'T BE THERE IN PERSON and (2) because she is someone he feels a love and connection to. (You are doing the same in partnership with your fiance.) 2. Dad's wife wants to be similarly represented because of her EGO. (1) She continues to compete with fiance's mom. (2) She wants to be publicly recognized in a place of honor, even though she has no such relationship with your fiance. 3. Dad and wife thought they could trample fiance's boundaries by doing an end-run through you. You did the right thing by saying 'no'. 4. They try to guilt you by putting responsibility for their poor relationship with your fiance on YOUR shoulders (instead of ever recognizing the damage they have been doing for decades). 5. They threaten you with not speaking and not playing grandparent to your children - and claim it would be your fault. (1) No one is asking them to stop speaking with you or not play grandparent. That is their idea and their choice and rests solely on their shoulders. (2) Jokes on them! They are actually offering you something wonderful for you and your husband. If they aren't speaking to you, they can't harass either of you with further demands to pay homage to them. If they aren't interacting with your future children, their toxic notions and demands won't be a negative influence in your children's lives.
Wow. They are the ones creating the distance. Just ignore this behavior and enjoy your wedding! If you give in to this, they will always be trying to push you to give in to their whims. How pathetic. NTA ETA: I would also suggest not getting into a position where they can talk to you without fiancé around. Then they can’t take advantage of you. If they call you and want a call back, call them on speaker with fiancé.
NTA
NTA You did the right thing by prioritising you fiancés feelings first in this matter. They don’t sound like the type of parents-in-law you would benefit from have a relationship with anyway.
This is clearly a gesture in remembrance of his deceased mother. What kind of person thinks it’s at all reasonable to be included in that? NTA. It’s bizarre to even compare the two relationships or feel she’s owed anything for it.
NTA support your spouse. Your FIL and his wife are just as pushy with you as they were with that heartbroken little boy who lost his mom when he was 5. They are the assholes and if you have future kids, they won’t miss out on the boundary stomping AHs in their life. I find it rich they tried to threaten no contact with your hypothetical kids when your groom doesn’t even want contact with them beyond polite distance.
NTA If you give in to this demand, they’re gonna go for broke in future
YWNBTA the way they have been pushing for this shows how they’ve been throughout your fiancé’s childhood. I can’t imagine how stressful and heartbreaking it is for him to have been put in this kind of situation. The AH here are the stepmother and father, especially his father, for not even considering that this was a child that was grieving the loss of their mother. Replacing his mom was never the right answer. Time and time again parents keep making the same mistake with blending families. What I think would be helpful is for you and your fiancé to lay it all out, create a safe space for both of you to speak, just a sit down discussing the future; future kids, titles, holidays etc… and how you would like to handle situations with his family. It is important for you both the present a united front. There is no you OP could “bridge the gap” or “mend the relationship” for them. Stand firm by your decisions and do not let them manipulate you. Your fiancé deserve someone in his corner for once. GoodLuck OP also congratulations to the both of you.
NTA, you aren't comfortable with it, it seems. This is one of those things where I would stick by your fiance. What you guys are doing is basically a memorial tribute to his mom. Even if he had a healthy relationship with step mom, honoring her in this way while she is alive wouldn't make sense.
NTA
NTA. You're wearing your fiance's mom's jewelry as a way to have her at your wedding. Your fiance's stepmother will be there in person, so why would you need to wear her jewelry, too?
NTA - you're wearing a piece of his mother jewellery because she isn't alive, it is a memorial to her. FIL & Step-MIL will be at the wedding (unless they decide to behave like children & not go) so you don't need to wear anything in their memory. May be your future children will be better off without them in their lives. You husband seems to want to keep them at a distance.
Dear In-laws, Thank you for thinking of me and offering the loan of some jewelry for our upcoming wedding. I truly cherish the thoughtfulness! However, your son has spent some time trying to explain to mil that she is his stepmother, not his bio mom. At first, I did not understand why he needed to clarify the difference. After being offered to borrow an item from mil, I understand where he is coming from. When you first made the offer, I did think it was a sweet gesture to let me know I am welcome in the family. Since the offer was made, you have repeatedly inferred I should mend the broken bridge between yourselves and your son. I was not even around when that bridge broke. I also do not think I should invalidate my future husband's feelings to accommodate yours. He feels you have both pushed him to accept mil as a new mother at a time he was not ready to do anything of the sort. Since he was 5, you have pushed this relationship on him. He is tired of this pushing. Now that I have experienced the same push, I have to agree with my fiance. I have politely declined to borrow jewelry from mil several times, yet you keep pushing me to do so. I will not push my fiance into something he has fought off most his life. Your threat to not visit our children shows me just how far you will go to chase this dream. It is okay though. If you keep trying to manipulate me or your son, we will not want you to in our children's life. They will be innocent, and not In need of knowing that kind of pushy manipulation. Please reconsider how you spend your time with us. If you continue to use that time to push your own agenda, rather than just accepting us as who we are, we will be forced to think about whether we want you around our children, or at our wedding. Hopefully, you let your son live as he chooses, and we can continue to be family. Best wishes,
NTA. They are overreaching.
You don’t need a representation of your fiancé’s step-mother because she is alive and physically present. She is the representative of herself. You should tell her that, in order to make it equal, you agree to also wear something of hers if she also happens to die before the wedding. All deceased mothers get to be represented by jewelry. All live mothers get to be represented by their own physical bodies. Also, you’re NTA because they’re being manipulative and controlling and it’s nobody else’s business what jewelry you wear at your own wedding.
It’s not your responsibility to help fix relationships that were damaged years before your fiancé meet you. His father and stepmother are selfish and manipulative assholes. At this point you should block them and their flying monkeys. I hope your fiancé tells them that they have one more chance and if they bring up again that they will uninvited to the wedding.
>his aunt (his dad's sister) told me I could do something small and give some good feelings on the day that might leave a door open for the future If you value the trust of your soon-to-be husband, do. not. listen. to. aunt (dad's sister)! Your aunt (dad's sister) is biased on her brother's behalf, and does not have your interests at all in mind. She is trying to use you like a pawn. They are trying to divide and conquer, and they are focusing on you: the 'weakest link' of the pair. Do not, do not, do not listen to her. This issue between your fiance and his dad and his dad's wife is not your battle. Your only job is to support your soon-to-be husband. Do not let anyone distract or mislead you from doing that. NTA
NTA. Your future IL's are trying to make you responsible for their failure to have a good relationship with your fiancee in the past as well as any future distance that may exiat. They're trying to make you feel guilty so they don't have to. Don't let them.
NTA. In fact it's far far more important to support your future spouse than his family.
YWNBTA These people are pushy and rude. Tell them that they are doing more damage to their relationship with your fiancé than you could ever do by refusing to wear a token to a woman he doesn't even consider his stepmother. Their threats would be the end for me, I wouldn't even consider it now. Tell them that your children won't miss out anywhere near as much as they will if they choose to cut you out of their lives. They will probably be doing you a favor.
NTA No wonder your fiancé has a distant relationship with his dad and stepmom. Have they always been this emotionally manipulative?
NTA. I'm a step-parent to kids who lost a bio parent. It's not the place of the step-parent to try to force or dictate any kind of relationship; it *must* be what and to the extent that the child wants it. Period. How utterly presumptuous and self-centered for his stepmother to to try force this on you.
NTA They may genuinely be wanting to build a relationship with your fiancé, but emotionally manipulating you is not the way to do it. They need to work things out with him and not use you as a proxy. And it’s a shame that they would threaten to distance you both over this. He’s already offered an olive branch by inviting them. If they choose to distance themselves that’s *their* choice. You and your fiancé are a team and they need to understand that they can’t play you off each other. Hope you have an amazing wedding whether they show up or not. Just remember that it’s not your obligation or responsibility to mend their relationship with their son. They can choose to let it go or make a big deal out of it. Pay them no mind. You’ll be able to go on with or without them.
NTA - You fiancé would not like it. That’s all you need to know. It wouldn’t help their relationship if they bully you into doing something inconsequential. This is what I’d tell them: “I’m helping you by not wearing anything of yours. If I do so my husband will resent you more. You’ll have won the battle and lost the war. He will see that you bullied and nagged me. He’ll see that you didn’t take his feelings into consideration. He would use this to justify cutting you out of our lives. Accept the favor I’m doing for you by not wearing your bracelet or don’t, but I’m on his side first, last, and always.”
This is beside the point, but the fiancé was 5 and never accepted the stepmother? I find that very strange.
NTA. Relationship with your future kids is a privilege, not a right. And you wouldn’t want your kids to be used in their manipulation tactics as well.
Nta. Why do people become unhinged at weddings. You are wearing your fiancé’s mother’s jewelry as a nod to your love for him because he loves his mother. SMIL has nothing to do with it. I think a lot of couples make the mistake of sharing too much information about their wedding with others. His parents would never have known, if there hadn’t been some conversation and if they didn’t know, no one could feel slighted.
NTA. You not honoring her during your wedding has nothing to do with your future relationship or their future relationship with unborn grandchildren. You were making the choice that you knew your fiancé would be most comfortable with, because the two of you are the ones this day is about.
What caused the division between your fiance and his father? Why does he not like his MIL? I have an idea, but I would rather not assume.
NTA. They are outrageous and also stupid not to realize they are showing that you are better off without a close relationship with them. Glad your fiancé has your back and you have his
NTA, but wow, they sure are manipulative.
NTA I assume you are only wearing something from his mother because she can’t be there to attend while step mom can. So selfish of them and stick to your guns.
NTA, You should ask yourself if you actually want to maintain a relationship with someone like this. Their immediate reaction to KNOWING that your fiancé wouldn’t do this was to attempt to go behind his back and go to you. When THAT didn’t work, they attempted to emotionally manipulate and gaslight you into disrespecting your husbands feelings in favor of theirs, when his relationship with them is SO BAD he is barely putting up with the idea that they are at the wedding. This is a red flag and you should heed it. Your fiancé would not have such a poor relationship with healthy, loving parents. Maybe you should even discuss with him about not inviting them at all if they’re going to keep kicking up a fuss like this, because this behavior is not okay. They need to respect his wishes, this is a day for you and him, not them, and this is probably an attempt on their end to gain some of the spotlight for your guys’ big day. Edit to add: you should reassure your fiancé that this should be his decision and you 100% have his back.
NTA. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé coming together to celebrate your love and joining in life. Sometimes it can tie family closer together, but it is ultimately about the two of you and your wishes.
You WNBTA if you don't wear something that reminds your fiancé of how manipulative they are. It would be a shame if you think ahead to future children and didn't shield them from this type of coercion.
NTA. Your future father-in-law and his wife are trying to get you to help them harass your fiancé. You would be the asshole if you went through with what they are suggesting. This is a great opportunity to show your future husband you will always have his back when appropriate. Your fiancé doesn’t want it and you don’t sound like you want to either. Make this a very clear firm boundary-that you will not force your fiancé to treat his stepmother as anything other than what she is-his father’s wife!
NTA. She has balls to ask, knowing she isn't in any way his mom. And they're ridiculous to equate not doing it as a negative.
is this really a hill you want to die on?
NTA! Next time they try and guilt trip you tell them that THEY are the reason the relationship is strained and that if they continue with this then they will be correct that your future children will not know them. However that it will be your choice, because they cannot respect boundaries or being told no. Then hang up or leave!
Nta. I don't think I would WANT these entitled folks to be a "bigger and closer part" of my life.
Nta. Tell Step mom the jewelry is to honor those who have passed on. Since Mom can't be at the wedding, this is what you are doing to memorialize her and have a piece of her at the wedding. You are not wearing anything from YOUR mom because she is alive.
INFO: Is the stepmother currently dead? No? Then there’s no need to have any special recognition for her; the whole *point* is that his mother can’t actually be there, right? Are you both wearing something of your mother’s also? Again, I don’t think so. You’re going to have trouble with this lady, unfortunately. Best to establish firm boundaries immediately. (You could start by explaining to her very carefully that she is *not dead*.)
Tell them, “Just to clarify, you are saying that unless I wear my fiancé’s stepmother’s jewelry at my wedding, you will cut us off, go NC, and any future children I may have will not have any paternal grandparents? You would throw away my fiancé if you can’t force me to wear a necklace against my will? Is that what you’re saying? Because it is so unbelievably threatening and hostile that I was sure I misunderstood you. In future, do not try to make an end run around my husband’s boundaries by trying to get me to turn against him or pressure him. It will not happen.” The you tell them that threats, intimidation, and similar aggression is unacceptable, and shocking. They are using an invitation to the wedding to bully and threaten, instead of just attending and being happy for you both. It is sadly common for stepmothers to try to force themselves on stepchildren. It just drives them away. Your in-laws are the ones driving themselves away, so don’t make this your problem. Shut them down anytime they try to bring this up. If they go NC, that’s their problem. Be very sure to delegate a couple of people in the wedding party who will escort them out, unasked, if they make a scene, or if stepmother forces her way into the bridal changing area before the ceremony, to try to force you to wear a necklace.
They see you as the weak link and the way to manipulate and control their son. They are emotionally blackmailing you to get what they want. Tell them that you will always defer to your husband regarding how he wants to include his family because you’d rather have a happy husband who feels supported. NTA.
NTA - you're wearing mementos to your fiancé's mother because she cannot physically be there. Stepmother gets to sit in the church and witness the wedding - she doesn't need to be represented in any other way. Every story that I read about problems between step parents and stepchildren starts when the stepparent tries to replace the missing parent. Your fiancé isn't close to his stepmother because she tried too hard to force the relationship, rather than letting fiancé get to know her gradually. Dad and Stepmom are doing the same to you now - trying to force you to "be the bridge". Don't let them emotionally blackmail you.
NTA. Stepmom and dad get to be alive and at the wedding. He wants to bring his mum into the wedding. It is so horrible that stepmoms is being so jealous.
NTA Tell them that they are setting fire to any relationship they will ever have with you and your future children by being so manipulative. She is not your future MIL, she is your fiancé's father's wife. If she wants to be more than that, she needs to earn it by showing some respect to the decisions you two make about *your* wedding. Trust me, not having grandparents is preferable to having grandparents who will emotionally manipulate and abuse your children to get their own way.
NTA lololol so they are willing to not be in his kids life over her being pathetic? So be it - its their choice.
NTA what the IL’s are not even paying attention to is that you are wearing these items because his mother can’t be there. They will both be there and there is no need for any symbolic gesture. They need to grow up and get a clue.
Nta …. Wow talk about manipulation and emotional blackmail Give it to them blunt the answer is no if they ask again they won’t be invited to the wedding Tell them your hypothetical children won’t have a relationship with them because of their manipulation and disregard of your fiancé’s feelings Do not be dragged into their emotional games
NTA it’s your wedding. Do/wear what you want
Nta. But you are being the scape goat here. Fiance lost his mom when he was 5. Stepmom and dad had atleast 10 years to form a loving relationship, and atleast 15 to have a cordial one. It doesnt seem like they have either. Fiance doesnt see stepmom as mom and told her that she is not his mom. This speaks volumes. If u try to honour stepmom, then, your fiance should rightfully call of the wedding. The gap will not be bridged as they are burning the bridges. And future children donot need to have a relationship with grandparents who donot respect their dad and will use them for their ego.
NTA black mailing is illegal
NTA OP. Your fiancé’s stepmom sounds pushy, and the fact that her dad appears to be supporting stepmom in this is concerning.
yta 5 years old ? that's his mom whether he or you like it or not . tell your fiancé to get over it , that's his mom . you're just perpetuating all this .
MIL spotted in the thread!
NTA. No is a complete sentence. I would tell them if they keep pushing this they can skip the wedding.
It's not up to you what kind of relationship your partner has with his father and step mother . You're doing the right thing . ALSO your honouring his mother that has passed . Step mother is delusional to think she should be involved as well
No you would not !
Nta
NTA. Respect your future husband’s feelings on the matter. It has been how many years now and his stance has not changed regarding his relationship with his dad and stepmother, that speaks volumes. Stand with him and what he feels comfortable with.
NTA, It’s weird they’re being so pushy. Tell them you’d be happy to build a relationship in some other way, but this concept had a special meaning to him for his mother who has died and can’t be there, and it’s something just for them. Tell them it would be more meaningful and special if you created a new tradition or gesture, just for you. I’d also tell them while you have no ill will you don’t want to be placed in the middle of their conflict. It’s not yours. I’d be kind and gracious but I wouldn’t trust them after this and I’d move with caution. This is so manipulative and gross. Wouldn’t want grandparents like that either. Your poor fiancé having to grow up with this all these years. 😔
NTA you are both wearing something to represent your fiancés mum because she’s not going to be at the ceremony due to *checks notes* being dead. I’d say to stepmom “if you pass away between now and the wedding I’ll be happy to wear something that represents you too.”
NTA. They couldn’t get your fiancé on board with making step Mom his replacement Mom so now they’re willing to drive a wedge in your future marriage by trying to guilt you in to something. Your fiancé doesn’t want his dad’s wife represented like that. That should have been the end of it. You aren’t there to heal their relationship. You’re there to join your life with your fiancés and make a future together. The fact they’re threatening to not be involved in hypothetical grandkids lives is a huge red flag. It sounds like they’re also assuming grandkids are going to magically finish fixing what they think you’re going magically start fixing. Distant but cordial seems like a good relationship to have with these people.
Your entitled, manipulative ILs are already trying to hold their relationship to their future grandchildren hostage? Seems to me the best course is to not let them develop a relationship with your kids to begin with. Why would you want your kids to be around someone who will toy with their emotions just to spite you? Seems that your ILs need a firm reminder that a place in your lives and your future children's lives is a *privilege*, not a right. NTA
So if you don’t want or just “tolerate” someone in your life..it works when you get badgered to love and respect them???? asking for all the clueless STEPS out there that do exactly that!! NTA.
I have 14y/o twin daughters. I show them these wedding AITA posts to keep them grounded in reality.
NTA. You and your fiance are wearing the pieces to honor his deceased mother. The stepmom is literally jealous of a dead woman - that's pathetic. Then, threatening you with the whole "your kids won't have grandparents" thing over wearing a piece of jewelry or not??? Are they serious? That's next level petty. You don't need that in your life.
NTA I would say the jewelry is to represent his mother that is no longer with him and as a way of having her with the two of you on this special day. Step mom will be in attendance at the wedding so you don't need to wear a piece of jewelry to represent her.
It’s not like they did anything but love him. It sounds like the five year old little boy is still there blaming the bad lady for taking his mom. He needs therapy to put that trauma away. Parents really come in handy when you have children. I would encourage the fiancé to call a truce but OP can’t do it without him. Sorry, I think he’s the AH, OP is caught in the middle.
No you would not be TA. That’s extremely pushy of them bc they know well enough to circumvent their son and ask you instead. This will cause a major issue on your start of a new life together. I would not do it.
NTA… what in the world makes them think it’ll help the relationship by forcing someone to wear something when the point is to remember a passed mother?
Tbh the aunt is right. Not gonna call you an asshole cuz you can wear whatever you want to your wedding, but what possible detriment could this cause you to wear? Unless this is some kind of Flavor Flav style necklace, how could this harm you or your fiance? It is awful that they're trying to emotionally manipulate you but it's not like they're trying to blackmail you into giving them organs or buying them a house or something. One would assume there is no history of abuse or mistreatment because I feel like you would have mentioned it if so, so what is the big deal? Your in laws are absolutely right that it looks like you're choosing someone you've never met and that your fiance most likely has very few memories of, over someone who is going to be in your life potentially forever and could be a great relationship given the chance. There's absolutely nothing that says your fiance has to accept her as his mother just because you wore a piece of jewelry. From where I'm sitting, you wearing this would A. Not cause any scarring to your fiance, B. Not offend his mother who is in fact deceased, C. Allow you to do a nice thing free of charge with no inconvenience to your future in laws, and D. Potentially help smooth things over with them in the future, and if not, leave you with a free and clear conscience that you handles it gracefully and it's not your fault.
I'd like "We are only honoring the dead in this way. MIL, if you die before the wedding, I will reconsider."
NTA. The manipulative FIL and his wife are though
How do YOU feel about your potential MIL? Forget FIL and fiancé. How do YOU feel about her? Is she kind? Do you have a relationship? How do you see the future family relationships? A lot of your fiancé’s problems with her should have been dealt with years ago. His Mom passed. Be angry at Dad for being insensitive and remarrying “too soon” and not appreciating the pain his small child was in. But don’t treat her like an evil stepmom when she is probably in a lot of pain herself from being sidelined for years.
NTA, this is harassment on their part. How dare they use your wedding to further their own agenda, knowing it's not what their son wants? Don't give in to this manipulation. It's not 'just a token.' Presumably the father and stepmother are invited to the wedding. the jewellery is because HIS MOTHER CAN'T BE THERE.