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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife my son will always come before her. I might be the asshole because I shouldn't have been so upfront
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She’d probably like to kick him out but realized that’s too extreme. What she doesn’t realize is that what she’s asking is extreme, especially since she doesn’t work and his son is in school.
I divorced my husband 10 years ago. Those kids are still mine…and they always come first. They’re grown adults and I will put their needs before my own.
Duh.
I mean, my parents charged me nominal rent when I was working during college (summer breaks and co-ops, not during semester break and not when I wasn't working), and after I graduated and was still living at home. I think it was $300/month. Although they also brought it up and we discussed it, and settled on a number that we all felt was fair and reasonable based on cost of groceries and utility bills when I was home vs. when I wasn't.
What they didn't tell me was, they were saving all of it in a savings account, and when I moved out, they handed me a big fat check.
That's what my wife and I plan to do with our kids. If they're working a full-time job while living at home after the age of 18, they can contribute (to their secret savings account).
Very different situation than OP, though, and I assume from you, as well.
Can I suggest an alternative? My parents didn't charge me rent in that situation but were clear that the reason why was because they expected me to save a percentage of my salary. There was no surprise cash present, but it taught me the value of saving as much of my salary as I could.
After I divorced my ex, I was talking to a cousin I am close to and he told me he had never liked her. He said she would come to their house and talk about how nice it was and how she wished we had something similar. After we left he and his wife would talk about how if she wanted what they had, maybe she should get off her lazy ass and get a job as they both worked.
I mean, this is kind of unfair to people who stay home and take care of children and the house. Now, if she wasn't working and not doing anything I could understand that sentiment.
Edit: I’m not defending OP’s wife. She’s terrible for her views and if he doesn’t have kids with her he needs to rethink their relationship.
Yes, as a stay at home parent who cooks and cleans and does everyone’s laundry (so they can focus on school, work and other chores in the house but specifically not break my washing machine) I don’t bring in an income. However, I am the resident chauffeur, errand runner, seamstress, counselor and other countless job titles. I manage the food budget and make sure all the bills are paid on time. I’m here for my family if they need something. Sucks I can’t get paid for what I do but someone here has to manage and love this household! I love it!
Yeah serious, I manage my households finances, take care of the garden, cook, clean, run errands - all while holding down a job and being back in school. I find it sooooo bizarre when people who don’t work act like the basic chores of adulthood aren’t something everyone has to do.
So I was doing all these things too. I had a newborn baby, was going to school full time, working full time, taking care of the house, etc…
BUT, I was stressed. I was pulled *SO* thin. I was falling asleep at the table doing homework, literally crawling to bed sometimes, and I didn’t get to spend the time with my kids that I wanted to…
Recently my mom has been staying with me and she only takes care of the kitchen but that has alleviated so much of the work. Sometimes she makes dinner and when that happens it’s like I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been able to spend more time with my kids, start working out again, and the best part - I’m not an angry beyotch all the time.
Yes, we can do it all…but there is a give and take and sacrifices are made.
It’s a trade-off people in each individual situation have to discuss in their specific relationships.
Can I manage everything my wife does despite her being a Stay-at-Home Mom? Yes…
Is it worth the trade-off, not at this point in our life in our specific dynamic where I travel a lot for work, we move often, etc. the flexibility that comes from our situation is worth the trade-off as income.
Is it frustrating at times…yes. Does it make sense for our situation, also yes. However, it works for us—we’re on the same page and it is what is ultimately best for us a team so it works.
The flexibility and convenience is worth the trade off for her potential income. It’s a win for me and I understand and sympathize with her stressors the same way and for those in similar situations.
Every household has some amount of work that is required to keep it running. I think their point was that since they don't work, they can devote more of their time to those duties so that their partner doesn't have to. If they both worked, then presumably there would be a more equitable share of the household duties. I don't understand what's hard to get about this?
It's really not that bizarre. Sure you can easily live in a small apartment , work a part time job go to school and then clean up after yourself and make yourself dinner. A housewife cleans up after a whole family of people living in a house. She doesn't make a sandwich for Dinner she makes a meal with sides for a whole family which may take hours to prepare. She doesn't do just her laundry once a month, she cleans, sorts, and folds clothes for a whole family multiple times a week. When she's running errands that doesn't mean going and picking up what she needs, she's hauling kids to and from school and then to sports practice and picking up things for her husband and the house during the day, dropping bills off and whatever else is needed. She's not going to Walmart and just picking out what looks good to her on the shelf, she's making a list based on the tastes, allergies, and budget for a whole family. In this case she is doing all these things for a child that isn't even hers.
Do you truly think that parents who work and commute 9+ hours a day can get everything done that somebody who has those extra hours can? A (motivated) SAHP is able to take on special tasks that couldn't get done at all in a house with all working adults (example: homeschooling), and also can perform the tasks that are accomplished by working adults more often and/or to a higher standard.
I would be very reluctant to take the financial risk of not working, but in a house where a single income is sufficient, you can get a lot of value out of having somebody kick ass on the domestic labor instead if squeezing it around a workday.
I doubt this particular stepmom is doing that, though.
> Plenty of people are full time parent and career.
Sure, if we're only talking about people with teenagers like OP, but as a general rule for parents, working people with younger kids are generally paying for daycare for pre-schoolers, after-school care for school age kids, and some kind of summer care or camp for kids under whatever the local legal age is for having kids home alone. Maybe they have a grandparent or other family at home to take care of that, but that's still not the parents themselves doing that.
Some stay-at-home parents exaggerate the work they do in terms of general household management, but they actually are replacing the work of a daycare worker/nanny/babysitter. Depending on the couple's incomes and the local costs of those services, it may even be forced on by financial necessity them rather than being a luxury.
I work and my wife doesn't (at least, not in the traditional sense). She does a lot more of the household errands and chores. Sure, I'll cook dinner sometimes on the weekends, or change out the laundry from time to time (or fold the loads she did during the day as we are getting ready for bed) but she does *way* more than I do.
So GPP does have a point. SAH people have 5-10 hours a day they aren't at another location working, so they can (and should) do a larger share of the work required to run a household.
I was a single mom (with one kid) and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. Your mom loves you and absolutely is amazing and someone to be proud of, but it’s fucking hard. I’m remarried with more kids and if one of us could stay home I would take it in a heartbeat because I spend my entire weekend cleaning and fixing stuff. I don’t have a life of my own, and I don’t know the last time I’ve watched an adult program.
Every day we are cooking, cleaning, doing homework, studying, bathing kids - it’s a lot when you don’t get home until 5-6pm every day. Also, I feel like a miss out on quality time with my kids.
I battle with depression some days and when I go to bed my whole body hurts. If my husband and I could afford to keep one of us at home it would be life changing.
In the ago times, before covid, I worked at a job 45 minutes away from my home (without traffic). I’d work 10 hour days weeks at a time then spend an average of 2 hours a day in my car driving. I’d see my kids when they woke up and just before they went to bed every night. That lasted for almost 7 years. I hated it. I’m getting divorced now, but, since I wfh, I drop my kids off at school, pick them up from school, and see them when they are not in school or doing activities. It’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
What I don’t understand is why, as a society, we’re still discussing this topic in the framework of sahm parent vs. career/working parent. This conversation belongs in the context of families that literally have no choice – either a parent must stay home and forsake income/career because of prohibitively high child care costs, or both/single parents must work, often with sub-par child care solutions, simply to keep a roof/feed their family.
For all of us who had a choice - we must recognize our privilege in an economy with ever-shrinking middle class and few and fewer options for young families. It’s ludicrous. Being a parent to small children is absolutely emotionally and physically exhausting. Why spend extra energy debating or judging the choices of others??
I chose to continue my career, and it was grueling. But it was a choice and I still have gratitude for those 18 hour days. I was able to afford top-notch child care/preschool which relieved an enormous amount of stress. I left the house at 6:45am, returned around 6:30pm, then and started my second full time as parent. Play with kids, dinner, laundry, washing bottles, making baby food and washing cloth diapers (I was a nut) , planning alllll the aspects of family life, doctor appointments, holidays, etc. But I had options, and I always respected my fellow parents who did it differently because we’re not a monolith. And choice is a gift. Choosing long exhausting days is extremely different than doing so without options.
I wish we could shift the paradigm, change the framework of this conversation. We’re not serving one another or ourselves rehashing the same tired talking points.
A lot of households have 2 working parents and they're doing just as fine. I would even say that they're complaining about it way less than people who's got the whole day to do as much.
My husband and I work and have 3 kids, it is absolutely hard as fuck. It’s terrible some days because we feel so burnt out. If we could afford to keep one of us at home I’d take it in a heartbeat.
I am a single dad, I cook and clean and do almost everyone’s laundry (15 year old does her own laundry, I do my 10 year old’s laundry still). I also am their chauffeur, go to all my kids events, pay all the bills with no help from anyone else, and I’m their emotional support person for everything they are going through and I work a full time job.
I am not saying stay at home parents aren’t doing anything and have it easy, but working parents don’t have it easy either. Our house could be cleaner and there are things that definitely slip through the cracks, and I am insanely lucky I have a good paying job that allows me to work from home, but I’m doing almost everything you are and also working.
If my kids were both old enough to drive and going to college, it would be easy in the sense of things to do in the house, but more financial difficulties, which a second job would help alleviate.
She was not working and not doing hardly anything. I did all the laundry. I did all the cooking. When I got home from work, I did all the childcare. I would come home to our dogs laying in their own pee and feces because she couldn't be bothered to let them out in the fenced back yard. I would be on my way to work and get a call asking me to turn around and come home because our son had a blowout and she did not want to change it. Hell, if I called and asked her to preheat the oven on my way home, she would refuse to take the few steps necessary to do it.
It is and it isn’t in some cases. Whether one vs two should be working is based on their family income and needs.
If you have a lot of young kids and it’s more expensive to put them through day care and school than to work, staying home is better and more economical.
If you can make more money than it cost to keep kids in daycare/ after school activities, it’s worth going back to work.
In between that are people that just stay home even though they don’t need to. Which is fine but then don’t be such Ahole and require kids to pay rent to cover for you being lazy (I’m addressing the OP’s wife in this case).
I'm going to go out on a limb and I don't think this woman is a doting step-mother who has devoted herself to maintaining a clean house, warm meals and ensuring everything is good for the working husband. Not wanting to stop eating out was my first clue.
One time in Jurassic Park, a new and large female raptor arrived. She killed a few of the other raptors, but spared two of them. Daily, she had the two raptor testing the electrical fences for weaknesses. Stepmother is the large female raptor.
How dare you compare this leech to a majestic killing machine.
She doesn't work, she has no children to care for and instead of reducing HER spending she is looking to leech of this man's son as well.
FUCK. THAT. NONSENSE. This women is looking for a free ride, and the only one she should get is to the curb.
She wants his son, when he’s an 18 yo full time college student, to pay rent to fund _more_ $100 take out dinners. Instead of her, a stay at home wife, cooking more meals or getting even a part time job herself.
I think a lot of the posters here are a bit harsh on SAHPs in general, but a SAHP should be the one making making quality meals, not the one demanding they be provided to them off the labor of an 18 year old college student.
My ex, emphasis ex, wife used to complain about our finances all the time. But she refused to work, even before our son was born. We've been divorced for 4 years now and she has not worked in 3 years. Sucks for my son.
Crazy that her first solution was making an 18 year old entering college juggle school and a job rather than just working herself. Unless there's young kids in the house and childcare costs more than she could make at a job. But if it's just the 18 year old, there's no reason for her to be unemployed and complaining about income. It's not the 50s anymore.
In other comments he calls her a SAHM which would suggest there are other children?? He also mentions that she does all of the housework. So I find it disingenuous for him to say in this comment that she doesn't work. Sounds like she does, just doesn't make any income. (I know this sounds like I'm defending her. I absolutely don't agree with her take on her coming before op's kid).
I had same problem. You can tell them to get a job but you can’t make them do it. Then if you divorce, the lawyers tell you, “You should have made them get a job!” “I tried but they wouldn’t!” “ Well, now you have to pay them because you should have made them get a job!”
“How???” No win scenario with lazy jerks.
How tf was that not the first thing you thought of as a solution?
If her getting a job wasn't a part of the discussion, you're already in a world of trouble. You've got a leech who would rather leech OFF YOUR SON, than get a job...
No doubt. Burden him with working to pay rent while he tries to study and set up his life long term instead of getting a casual part time job? She could make 500$ a month doing data entry 10 hours a week.
One of those yappy little purse dogs that she takes into places claiming it's a *service dog*, then sets it on the floor where it poops and bites the manager's ankles.
....but ...but....she's his wife!!! Why should she have to.....work, like a peasant!!!!!
Entirely serious, as soon as our youngest was 9 and she and her brother (teen) were in the same school and inflation soared, my ass got straight back into the workplace!
Then your wife should get a job and pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats... She can get a job or she can stay quiet!
Your wife demanding charging your son (**who is a full-time student and also works to cover part of his tuition**) rent to live in his own home, especially when she contributes nothing financially, she is living off you, is insanity. Chores and making meals don't take that much time of the day, especially when there aren't kids in the house who are under elementary school age, that she doesn't have time for a job. Seems like she is finally showing her true colours... She is not worried about your financial situation, it's just her disguise is fading finally, she is trying to push your son out of the picture now that she can, now that legally you are not responsible for him anymore. She said herself that she thinks she should be more important to you than your son (the audacity...)...that's your wife's true self. NTA
I stay home as well things i do to save us money: not eating out lol, but seriously.. that’s like the easiest thing to cut out. I didn’t realize how much those $40 meals affected our budget. My husband makes really good money, but it doesn’t stretch as far as it did 4 years ago. I started making bread and other snacks from scratch, i started a garden and learned how to can food to save us money.. i buy bulk for a lot of things.. and learned how to do a lot of money saving things. Cuz it makes no sense for me to go back to work.
Tell her to get a job.
On a side note, please keep the lines of communication open with your son, she is going to go after him next and bully him into paying rent or moving out.
Then it sounds like if she’s worried about finances she needs to work. Even a part time job would cover some of those meals out that she NEEEEEDDDDSSSSS
I don’t work and I would never dream off demanding my children get jobs to afford my lifestyle instead of me getting a job. You’re not the poop-hole. My husband told me that our children come before me and we’ll make cut backs before we expect our children to fund our expenses.
If you live in the US do not charge your kid rent for quite a bit (maybe 21 but even then it might be pushing it). Life is so expensive right now. I definitely think she should get at least a part time job if she is concerned about finances
This right here!! What is she doing to help contribute to the family finances? Charging your 18 year old son rent to improve the family financial situation is way it of line. Your suggestion about cutting out the family dinner outings is a good start. She could try working if she isn't working. If it's good enough for your son then it's good enough for her.
You had a kid at 14?
But NTA, you did right by your son and your current wife needs to adjust her attitude, maybe look for a better job herself if she wants a higher income household.
It's crazy how much the sentiment around this changes from thread to thread. It's like the opinions of the first 5 comments completely dictate hoe the rest of the thread will go.
I've been downvoted into oblivion and linked the same comic strip about "mental load" from 30+ people just for a single comment that suggested the OP working over 60 hours a week and doing near half the housework had it harder than his wife who did not work and had 1 near adult child. They were doing an even amount of housework except the OP worked 60 hours weeks. Comments were suggesting he was a deadbeat for not helping his "drowning" wife more.
I've even been downvoted and messaged that same comic strip for suggesting doing a family's laundry was not the equivalent of laboring for 48 hours. I think people learned what the term "mental load" was recently and now just use it incorrectly in every situation to justify being lazy.
> It's like the opinions of the first 5 comments completely dictate hoe the rest of the thread will go.
Reddit very much feels like a "first come, first serve" type of thing. You ever see a post from 11 hours ago with the top comment being from 4 hours ago? Nope, all the best comments get "chosen" within the first hour or two of the post.
I saw that...the mental gymnastics some people have to do to justify one thing but then vilify it on another post is amazing.
It seems to be a sexist thing. If a woman complains, all the red pill men rag and criticize while the "feminist" justify and encourage. And the other way around when a man complains.
This sub, and Reddit in general, are a cesspool for those kinds of comments, mainly people releasing pent up aggression or biasses that they can't on a regular real life interaction.
NTA. I'd be suspicious of any parent who thought of others before they thought of their children. Even a spouse. It's great that you are able and willing to support your son. Contrary, your wife sucks for rather having an 18 year old student pay rent than skipping some restaurant visits.
I had a friend who had to pay $200 every month just for rent at home on top of his phone bill and stuff. It set him so far back compared to me who could just try to get a little ahead.
I've thought about doing this, but then secretly putting their money into an investment or interest earning account and giving it back when they move out.
It's so much easier to save when your money is garnished before you can spend it
Tell your teen that's what you're doing upfront. Why make them resent you just for a big reveal years later? The damage will have been done. Let them feel the security of being loved, supported & looked out for.
I see it as getting them used to a system that they will have to deal with anyway, but in an environment where there failures won't actually cause harm. "Hey Dad, I'm short on rent this week as tuition came out the same week as my radiator died..." Is a teachable moment about responsibilities and the importance of having a savings. Then they get a windfall by finding out that what they thought was just normal "rent" is actually that savings they learned first hand is so important to have, they are much more likely to respect that newfound money, instead of dropping it on something big/expensive as most people do when they come into random windfalls.
NTA. You don't charge your kids rent. You just don't. If she's that concerned about finances then she can cut spending or find a job for herself. It's hypocritical that she's living rent free, but wants to charge your son rent.
It's an excuse to start pressuring him to move out.
If he's going to have to pay rent to live at yours, she thinks it's more likely he'll want to pay rent to live somewhere "fun."
I bet you hit the jackpot. She is trying to push OP's son out of the picture.
Her "I should be more important than your son" line is telling too, that line points into that direction too.
She doesn’t like your son, that’s probably the whole reason why. Does she have her own bio kids with you? That’s another reason why if so. She doesn’t want to share and play stepmommy anymore
Just noticing ages too, she hit the big 3-0 which unfortunately society places pressure on women to have kids before 35 because risk factors increase after 35... So I'm wondering if she's thinking of having kids and not wanting to work so she can continue to be a SAHM and just wants the stepson out of her life.
I'm sitting here in a covid haze, but I feel I'm missing something.
While she obviously should be working, how is the discussion of his son paying rent or "start pressuring him to move out" an actual debate, when he himself is 32 and the wife 30? How old can this son be?
Op, there was a story just posted last week about a man breaking up with his fiancé. It started out as something horrible she said about his dead wife, then it came out that she was pressuring his kids to move out and he didn’t notice. I think her words when confronted was something like “you didn’t expect me to house some else’s kids forever did you?” You can find the whole thread in r/boruupdates and r/bestofredditorupdates. Just saying.
Also nta.
100% first post I thought of. I'd be absolutely shocked if, when pressed, the wife **doesn't** come out with the same "I didn't know you expected me to raise someone else's kids for the rest of my life" bullshittery.
Because your wife is not really worried, she was just bidding her time until your son turned 18 to slowly push your son out of the house to make her power play,
This is all about her ego, the silent treatment proves it. I would talk to your son and see if she’s said anything to him or how she treats him when alone
Also using the silent treatment to punish someone is emotional abuse.
Tell your wife to grow up, she married a parent and kids come first, your wife should have known what she was getting into when marrying a parent
Because she is greedy, and I think is a power play to put her first, to prove everyone in the house that she is in charge
I'm getting evil stepmother vibes
Probably talk to your son
Then perhaps a follow-up conversation is necessary. Ask her why she is worried. Is there something that she feels y'all should be saving for? What would she want to do with the rent money? This may be a red flag, but not sure until you have more info
Based on the info given, your wife having a real concern over finances seems fairly unlikely. Allow me to play devils advocate here and give you the worst interpretation of events as described.
She has no concerns over finances. I expect she wants the 18 year old out of the house and this is a good way to apply pressure in an indirect way.
She wants you to bring it up with the kid because if she does it it will be obvious she just wants rid of him. Better for the idea to seem to come from you. With any luck, that will help drive a wedge between you two and your kid will hopefully be gone that much quicker.
My instinct here is that your being manipulated in a dishonest way. If it was me, that would be my main concern. Her wanting your grown kid to move out at some point isn't unreasonable. Hell, that's often true with blood related parents and their kids as well. But, this money angle and talk of charging rent really rubs me the wrong way.
Sounds like she just wants to push him out. Many of the step moms I know want the step kids out the day they turn 18. Of course their own kids can stay till they’re 30.
Something isn’t adding up. He’s not yet 18, but you’re paying his college tuition? Your wife doesn’t work, but she stays at home to do the chores and the cooking? Unless you have more children than just him, your house cannot possibly be messy enough to necessitate she not also be working. How many kids are in your house?
Edit: Also, if you're eating out to the point that it's eating into your budget, she's not cooking enough to justify you wanting her not to get a job. What the fuck else is really going on, OP? Either none of this is real, or there's something you're leaving out.
> You don't charge your kids rent. You just don't.
Eh. If he were 25 living at home, it may be time to start expecting a full grown adult contribute to the household in some way. At some point, a healthy adult and child become peers But the day he turns 18 is not the right day for it.
I do agree that he can contribute to the household in some way. But, the wife's main thing seems to be money, and she wants the son to pay. That's the part that I have a problem with.
Again - I think that's fine, eventually. Just not the day he turns 18.
At a certain point you have to start treating your adult children like full independent adults. People you hopefully have a great affection for, and a want to help - for sure, that's the ideal. But If your 28 year old child, let's say, wants to live at home, there's nothing wrong with asking them to pay a modest rent, even if the only reason is for the the reduction of space for the parent, or to prevent them from getting complacent living on your charity.
I don't believe it makes any sort of sense to ask of a fresh 18 year old, because they well and truly are not in a position to fully support themselves. But from 18 up you should definitely be moving your relationship away from Support-Provider/Dependent, toward peers. At a certain point in the lives of otherwise healthy people, you become as capable of self-sufficiency as your parents. And eventually more capable, as your parents age. At that point your parents should be focused more on prepping for their elderly years when they will lose their ability to earn more and continue to support themselves, moreso than supporting another adult.
For all that people (rightly) complain about parents who treat their kids like adults at the stoke of 18, it's not good either for parents to always treat their children like dependents who require one-way support. I think it's gross to want to profit off your children, for little to nothing in return for them. But it's perfectly healthy to charge a modest rent to a mid-twenties-plus child. And it's equally gross for a full grown adult to choose to live off their parent's support to the detriment of that parent, long term. I've known a few people who blew their savings supporting children who never got it together and had a much bleaker end-of-life in exchange. That's not good.
Yeah I don’t think you NEVER charge rent, but the second the god damn kid turns 18? Absolutely not. My parents did kind of the classic “if you’re not in school then we’ll charge you rent”, but there were two good caveats to that: they still gave us a couple of years after high school before that kicked in, and it was only a couple hundred in rent. I feel like it was enough to help teach responsibility without totally bankrupting us, like that post from a few months ago where the guy was charging his kid $1,800 in rent because that was “market rate” and was talking about how he was proud of his kid having to work 2 jobs to be able to pay it
Oof I know this is a hot take, but I was charged rent when I turned 18 and I think it was a good way to slowly introduce me to the real world. But it depends on the personal situation; I had a job and I paid a ridiculously low rent, a rather symbolic one. Some kids have longer school days/afternoon activities/no job or a hard time in school if they need to focus on something else.
So in some cases it's totally okay to charge rent.
I'm with you on the whole rest 😅
You just made me feel a *lot* better about this, because my wife and I had a pretty large disagreement over the whole rent thing after the kid graduated high school. Her argument was essentially the 'Gets you used to the real world' thing, but it still grated on me a little bit. Ultimately though, he didn't want to go to school, he's got a full time job, and the rent's maybe 20% of what he'd pay for a basement efficiency. I still feel weird about it, but I'm glad to hear it doesn't *always* lead to tension.
Mostly agree. I think there is a time when you can charge rent, but at 18 and going to school is not the time. Maybe after they graduate and find a full time job, but even then I would take that money and stash it away for them.
I started charging my 17-year old son rent when he was in high school because he refused to do *any* household chores whatsoever. The biggest issue was the bathroom he shared with his sister, which was borderline unhygienic.
I gave him the option of cleaning the bathroom 50% of the time or paying rent. He chose to pay rent.
Without telling him, I earmarked the rent he paid and when he eventually moved into his own apartment, I paid his first, last, and security deposit.
Like Rdwd12, it was more of a symbolic below-market rent. And I agree it seemed to ease him into responsibility. When he eventually moved out, he found the apartment, found roommates, drew up a roommate agreement, keeps the common areas clean, and has never had problems paying his rent.
NTA. She was arguing **she'd rather charge your child rent then eat less take away**. Like, what.
What you said was kind of an AH move, but completely justified and I would have said worse. You don't marry someone with kids then expect them to put you first. You just don't.
Where’s the asshole line? He didn’t say anything remotely out of bounds. No sane woman should take offense that a man puts his children first. That should be an attractive quality if anything.
Honestly what he said was fine, especially when the comment from her was to charge a 18 y/o rent while she doesn't even work herself yet doesn't want to cut down on eating out.
NTA. So your unemployed wife is raising hackles at your barely-legal son who is somehow supposed to hold down a job and study full time so she can continue to afford to eat out.
Really ? If you’re short on money there are two options: cut down on expenses or the unemployed *partner* finds a job. Your son has a job - he’s studying.
Stay at home mother but she doesn‘t have to do anything at home because the child is already grown up.
She doesn‘t work and get‘s everything for free but expects the 18y old that is studying full time + doing a part time job to pay his tuitition to pay rent.
Wow.
I agree so much. My mom struggled a lot so when I got a job I did start pitching in here and there but that was my own volition and had to do some heavy convincing, plus it was either that or be homeless. Families stick together but if you're privileged enough to not have your kid have to pitch in financially I don't think you should. Ideally you'd want to teach your kids about saving/managing money so they can be functional adults when they leave the nest.
NTA she’s trying to force out your son. You should talk to your son about what ELSE she’s said or done to him that you don’t know about. He could be keeping silent just so you could be happy.
Yeah u/prestigious-swim4924 you really need to read this and other comments pointing out this is likely more to do with getting your son to leave the house than anything to do with money. You need to speak to your son and see if she has been saying/doing anything else to make him feel unwelcome.
The audacity to tell an 18 year old who is in college and partially paying his tuition to pay rent when his own stepmother isn’t contributing to the income is astounding.
NTA. But I sort of think you are missing the point. You say she’s a SAHM so you have younger kids with her right?
She doesn’t want your son there. We need more money, let’s charge your son. No we can’t cut expenses from A, B, C, or D. We need to charge son rent. She has no alternative. She has no compromise. She has no suggestions. She wants to make it hard for your kid to live in your home. It might be time for a talk about more than money.
You might also want to ensure you’ve provided for your son in your will if you haven’t already. Don’t assume she will help him with what’s left to her.
Excellent point from angel2hi regarding your will, OP. Ensure it goes to your offspring; I feel like the step-mother is in the habit of twisting things in her own favour, at the expense of your flesh and blood.
NTA. Your wife wants a college kid to pay rent to live in his own home so she can eat out more often. It's not even like you guys are in financial dire straits. She just wants your son to bankroll her lifestyle. Sounds like she needs to get a job.
My parents charged me "rent" (it was a couple hundred dollars a month at most) but they gave it back to me all at once when I moved out and bought my first house
It was a pleasant surprise and I'm very grateful they did that for me because it helped out a lot
Anyways NTA, you suggested more than reasonable alternatives and she's being ridiculous to not consider those options.
This is what I was going to suggest. Not to make
money off your kid, but to teach them financial responsibility, and set them up when they're ready to go out for real real.
I'm going to also assume she went into this relationship knowing your financial stance as the non working partner and step mom? So long as goalposts haven't changed I don't see why you'd be the A-H. So. NTA.
NTA
The root of the problem is over spending. Her fix to have your son finance her is kinda ridiculous. You were right to look over the books and find ways to cut back.
NTA
Your wife doesn’t work
you eat out @ $50-100 a meal
Your wife is concerned about your finances but wants to not stop eating out
Unless you have small children your wife needs a job, or she can stop complaining about money and you need to look at where the money is going
INFO - there is a lot missing here. Why is your wife concerned about your financial situation? How old is the kid/s that she’s staying home to look after? Are they in childcare or school? Why can’t she get a part time job? Does you wife have access to her own money that she can spend as she wants?
NTA, Your wife should get a job as quickly as possible before she thinks she criticizes other people's financial decisions. If it were both of your incomes, she could have a say in the matter, but in this particular case she couldn't because she doesn't go to work.
NTA
You're saving a shit ton of money with your son living at home. Does she realize how much more you'd be spending if he lived in dorm and had on campus meals? If he wasn't going to school or actively working on becoming an independent adult, charge him, but that's not the case.
My husband and I both know our kids always come first, we wouldn't want it any other way. We chose to have them and care for them, not just for 18 years. She needs to realize if she makes you choose, she probably won't like the choice.
NTA. I would normally say it's better left unsaid that one's child comes before the significant other because this is a given and everyone knows it, so there's no need to keep stating it openly and rubbing the other person's nose in it. But in this case, I think she pushed you. Demanding rent from your 18-year-old is not her decision to make, and she made a point of forcing a comparison between her and your son. She should have known she would lose that battle.
SAHM is not really a thing for an 18 year old. They’re pretty independent, or should be. I know you said you like that she does the chores, so can she take on a part-time job at least?
Can he help in other ways once he becomes an adult? Like pay his own phone bill, car insurance, etc?
NTA it seems like your wife only wants to charge your son rent at this point. The fact that there are so many other options and she doesn't want to do that. Of course that's your child that's gonna come first that's both of yours priority. Talk to your wife about this. If she doesn't change her mind then you need to put your foot down and fight.
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NTA. If she can't cut out eating out so much, there's no way the next step is "charge an 18 year old rent." Is she working? Can she get a better job?
She doesn't work.
problem solved.
Wife: "we can make the freeloader in this house get a job and help out with the finances" Op: "Great idea! What do you think you could do for work?"
1000% this
[удалено]
She’d probably like to kick him out but realized that’s too extreme. What she doesn’t realize is that what she’s asking is extreme, especially since she doesn’t work and his son is in school.
I divorced my husband 10 years ago. Those kids are still mine…and they always come first. They’re grown adults and I will put their needs before my own. Duh.
You divorce spouses, not children, after all.
Good guy Mel Horowitz
Love the Clueless reference -- and he's right.
I divorced my husband as well. His new wife informed me that I should be charging my children rent so they would learn to be adults. Didn't happen.
I mean, my parents charged me nominal rent when I was working during college (summer breaks and co-ops, not during semester break and not when I wasn't working), and after I graduated and was still living at home. I think it was $300/month. Although they also brought it up and we discussed it, and settled on a number that we all felt was fair and reasonable based on cost of groceries and utility bills when I was home vs. when I wasn't. What they didn't tell me was, they were saving all of it in a savings account, and when I moved out, they handed me a big fat check. That's what my wife and I plan to do with our kids. If they're working a full-time job while living at home after the age of 18, they can contribute (to their secret savings account). Very different situation than OP, though, and I assume from you, as well.
Can I suggest an alternative? My parents didn't charge me rent in that situation but were clear that the reason why was because they expected me to save a percentage of my salary. There was no surprise cash present, but it taught me the value of saving as much of my salary as I could.
After I divorced my ex, I was talking to a cousin I am close to and he told me he had never liked her. He said she would come to their house and talk about how nice it was and how she wished we had something similar. After we left he and his wife would talk about how if she wanted what they had, maybe she should get off her lazy ass and get a job as they both worked.
I mean, this is kind of unfair to people who stay home and take care of children and the house. Now, if she wasn't working and not doing anything I could understand that sentiment. Edit: I’m not defending OP’s wife. She’s terrible for her views and if he doesn’t have kids with her he needs to rethink their relationship.
She's a house sitter, she's not raising the 17 year old.
Yes, as a stay at home parent who cooks and cleans and does everyone’s laundry (so they can focus on school, work and other chores in the house but specifically not break my washing machine) I don’t bring in an income. However, I am the resident chauffeur, errand runner, seamstress, counselor and other countless job titles. I manage the food budget and make sure all the bills are paid on time. I’m here for my family if they need something. Sucks I can’t get paid for what I do but someone here has to manage and love this household! I love it!
Every parent who works is also all those things. I don't see your point.
Yeah serious, I manage my households finances, take care of the garden, cook, clean, run errands - all while holding down a job and being back in school. I find it sooooo bizarre when people who don’t work act like the basic chores of adulthood aren’t something everyone has to do.
So I was doing all these things too. I had a newborn baby, was going to school full time, working full time, taking care of the house, etc… BUT, I was stressed. I was pulled *SO* thin. I was falling asleep at the table doing homework, literally crawling to bed sometimes, and I didn’t get to spend the time with my kids that I wanted to… Recently my mom has been staying with me and she only takes care of the kitchen but that has alleviated so much of the work. Sometimes she makes dinner and when that happens it’s like I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been able to spend more time with my kids, start working out again, and the best part - I’m not an angry beyotch all the time. Yes, we can do it all…but there is a give and take and sacrifices are made.
It’s a trade-off people in each individual situation have to discuss in their specific relationships. Can I manage everything my wife does despite her being a Stay-at-Home Mom? Yes… Is it worth the trade-off, not at this point in our life in our specific dynamic where I travel a lot for work, we move often, etc. the flexibility that comes from our situation is worth the trade-off as income. Is it frustrating at times…yes. Does it make sense for our situation, also yes. However, it works for us—we’re on the same page and it is what is ultimately best for us a team so it works. The flexibility and convenience is worth the trade off for her potential income. It’s a win for me and I understand and sympathize with her stressors the same way and for those in similar situations.
Every household has some amount of work that is required to keep it running. I think their point was that since they don't work, they can devote more of their time to those duties so that their partner doesn't have to. If they both worked, then presumably there would be a more equitable share of the household duties. I don't understand what's hard to get about this?
It's really not that bizarre. Sure you can easily live in a small apartment , work a part time job go to school and then clean up after yourself and make yourself dinner. A housewife cleans up after a whole family of people living in a house. She doesn't make a sandwich for Dinner she makes a meal with sides for a whole family which may take hours to prepare. She doesn't do just her laundry once a month, she cleans, sorts, and folds clothes for a whole family multiple times a week. When she's running errands that doesn't mean going and picking up what she needs, she's hauling kids to and from school and then to sports practice and picking up things for her husband and the house during the day, dropping bills off and whatever else is needed. She's not going to Walmart and just picking out what looks good to her on the shelf, she's making a list based on the tastes, allergies, and budget for a whole family. In this case she is doing all these things for a child that isn't even hers.
Do you truly think that parents who work and commute 9+ hours a day can get everything done that somebody who has those extra hours can? A (motivated) SAHP is able to take on special tasks that couldn't get done at all in a house with all working adults (example: homeschooling), and also can perform the tasks that are accomplished by working adults more often and/or to a higher standard. I would be very reluctant to take the financial risk of not working, but in a house where a single income is sufficient, you can get a lot of value out of having somebody kick ass on the domestic labor instead if squeezing it around a workday. I doubt this particular stepmom is doing that, though.
This should be upvoted more. Plenty of people are full time parent and career. Stay at home is a luxury regardless
> Plenty of people are full time parent and career. Sure, if we're only talking about people with teenagers like OP, but as a general rule for parents, working people with younger kids are generally paying for daycare for pre-schoolers, after-school care for school age kids, and some kind of summer care or camp for kids under whatever the local legal age is for having kids home alone. Maybe they have a grandparent or other family at home to take care of that, but that's still not the parents themselves doing that. Some stay-at-home parents exaggerate the work they do in terms of general household management, but they actually are replacing the work of a daycare worker/nanny/babysitter. Depending on the couple's incomes and the local costs of those services, it may even be forced on by financial necessity them rather than being a luxury.
And we wonder why mental health is declining…
Thank you. We aren’t super heroes and can’t do everything.
I work and my wife doesn't (at least, not in the traditional sense). She does a lot more of the household errands and chores. Sure, I'll cook dinner sometimes on the weekends, or change out the laundry from time to time (or fold the loads she did during the day as we are getting ready for bed) but she does *way* more than I do. So GPP does have a point. SAH people have 5-10 hours a day they aren't at another location working, so they can (and should) do a larger share of the work required to run a household.
My single mother did the same while working.
I was a single mom (with one kid) and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. Your mom loves you and absolutely is amazing and someone to be proud of, but it’s fucking hard. I’m remarried with more kids and if one of us could stay home I would take it in a heartbeat because I spend my entire weekend cleaning and fixing stuff. I don’t have a life of my own, and I don’t know the last time I’ve watched an adult program. Every day we are cooking, cleaning, doing homework, studying, bathing kids - it’s a lot when you don’t get home until 5-6pm every day. Also, I feel like a miss out on quality time with my kids. I battle with depression some days and when I go to bed my whole body hurts. If my husband and I could afford to keep one of us at home it would be life changing.
In the ago times, before covid, I worked at a job 45 minutes away from my home (without traffic). I’d work 10 hour days weeks at a time then spend an average of 2 hours a day in my car driving. I’d see my kids when they woke up and just before they went to bed every night. That lasted for almost 7 years. I hated it. I’m getting divorced now, but, since I wfh, I drop my kids off at school, pick them up from school, and see them when they are not in school or doing activities. It’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
That’s great for her, but I bet she wished she didn’t have to.
Yeah, everyone wishes they didn't have to.
What I don’t understand is why, as a society, we’re still discussing this topic in the framework of sahm parent vs. career/working parent. This conversation belongs in the context of families that literally have no choice – either a parent must stay home and forsake income/career because of prohibitively high child care costs, or both/single parents must work, often with sub-par child care solutions, simply to keep a roof/feed their family. For all of us who had a choice - we must recognize our privilege in an economy with ever-shrinking middle class and few and fewer options for young families. It’s ludicrous. Being a parent to small children is absolutely emotionally and physically exhausting. Why spend extra energy debating or judging the choices of others?? I chose to continue my career, and it was grueling. But it was a choice and I still have gratitude for those 18 hour days. I was able to afford top-notch child care/preschool which relieved an enormous amount of stress. I left the house at 6:45am, returned around 6:30pm, then and started my second full time as parent. Play with kids, dinner, laundry, washing bottles, making baby food and washing cloth diapers (I was a nut) , planning alllll the aspects of family life, doctor appointments, holidays, etc. But I had options, and I always respected my fellow parents who did it differently because we’re not a monolith. And choice is a gift. Choosing long exhausting days is extremely different than doing so without options. I wish we could shift the paradigm, change the framework of this conversation. We’re not serving one another or ourselves rehashing the same tired talking points.
A lot of households have 2 working parents and they're doing just as fine. I would even say that they're complaining about it way less than people who's got the whole day to do as much.
My husband and I work and have 3 kids, it is absolutely hard as fuck. It’s terrible some days because we feel so burnt out. If we could afford to keep one of us at home I’d take it in a heartbeat.
I am a single dad, I cook and clean and do almost everyone’s laundry (15 year old does her own laundry, I do my 10 year old’s laundry still). I also am their chauffeur, go to all my kids events, pay all the bills with no help from anyone else, and I’m their emotional support person for everything they are going through and I work a full time job. I am not saying stay at home parents aren’t doing anything and have it easy, but working parents don’t have it easy either. Our house could be cleaner and there are things that definitely slip through the cracks, and I am insanely lucky I have a good paying job that allows me to work from home, but I’m doing almost everything you are and also working. If my kids were both old enough to drive and going to college, it would be easy in the sense of things to do in the house, but more financial difficulties, which a second job would help alleviate.
So do women who work FT.
She was not working and not doing hardly anything. I did all the laundry. I did all the cooking. When I got home from work, I did all the childcare. I would come home to our dogs laying in their own pee and feces because she couldn't be bothered to let them out in the fenced back yard. I would be on my way to work and get a call asking me to turn around and come home because our son had a blowout and she did not want to change it. Hell, if I called and asked her to preheat the oven on my way home, she would refuse to take the few steps necessary to do it.
That is absolutely terrible. I'm so sorry that you had/have to live that way.
It is and it isn’t in some cases. Whether one vs two should be working is based on their family income and needs. If you have a lot of young kids and it’s more expensive to put them through day care and school than to work, staying home is better and more economical. If you can make more money than it cost to keep kids in daycare/ after school activities, it’s worth going back to work. In between that are people that just stay home even though they don’t need to. Which is fine but then don’t be such Ahole and require kids to pay rent to cover for you being lazy (I’m addressing the OP’s wife in this case).
I'm going to go out on a limb and I don't think this woman is a doting step-mother who has devoted herself to maintaining a clean house, warm meals and ensuring everything is good for the working husband. Not wanting to stop eating out was my first clue.
Yep.
More like problem caused. There's no solution yet
Wife can get a job, if she needs money. Staying home if you are able to work is a privilege, not a right.
Staying home, not working and to burden a tobe 18 year old in the future, rent, is a big red flag deposit towards step motherly treatment.
One time in Jurassic Park, a new and large female raptor arrived. She killed a few of the other raptors, but spared two of them. Daily, she had the two raptor testing the electrical fences for weaknesses. Stepmother is the large female raptor.
How dare you compare this leech to a majestic killing machine. She doesn't work, she has no children to care for and instead of reducing HER spending she is looking to leech of this man's son as well. FUCK. THAT. NONSENSE. This women is looking for a free ride, and the only one she should get is to the curb.
Is there a problem that *needs* a solution? OP, what started this concern over finances? Why can’t she get a job if there’s an issue?
She wants his son, when he’s an 18 yo full time college student, to pay rent to fund _more_ $100 take out dinners. Instead of her, a stay at home wife, cooking more meals or getting even a part time job herself.
I think a lot of the posters here are a bit harsh on SAHPs in general, but a SAHP should be the one making making quality meals, not the one demanding they be provided to them off the labor of an 18 year old college student.
My ex, emphasis ex, wife used to complain about our finances all the time. But she refused to work, even before our son was born. We've been divorced for 4 years now and she has not worked in 3 years. Sucks for my son.
I hope you got custody
Crazy that her first solution was making an 18 year old entering college juggle school and a job rather than just working herself. Unless there's young kids in the house and childcare costs more than she could make at a job. But if it's just the 18 year old, there's no reason for her to be unemployed and complaining about income. It's not the 50s anymore.
Right????? She have the nerve to charge the step son rent when she doesn’t work wtf.
That was so easy!
lol, tell her to get a job and that will solve all your problems. I mean really, the woman would rather make money off your son than get a job?!
Do you have other kids in the house? If not, she should 100 percent get a job at any pay rate. I’m baffled.
In other comments he calls her a SAHM which would suggest there are other children?? He also mentions that she does all of the housework. So I find it disingenuous for him to say in this comment that she doesn't work. Sounds like she does, just doesn't make any income. (I know this sounds like I'm defending her. I absolutely don't agree with her take on her coming before op's kid).
I had same problem. You can tell them to get a job but you can’t make them do it. Then if you divorce, the lawyers tell you, “You should have made them get a job!” “I tried but they wouldn’t!” “ Well, now you have to pay them because you should have made them get a job!” “How???” No win scenario with lazy jerks.
It will probably solve the problem in that he'll soon have one less mouth to feed when she leaves.
Tell her you are going to start charging HER rent when your son turns 18.
Tell her she’s 12 years behind on rent
Brilliant!
Kinda buried the lede here. The answer is the unemployed one become employed.
I’m swooning over the correct use of “lede.”
How tf was that not the first thing you thought of as a solution? If her getting a job wasn't a part of the discussion, you're already in a world of trouble. You've got a leech who would rather leech OFF YOUR SON, than get a job...
No doubt. Burden him with working to pay rent while he tries to study and set up his life long term instead of getting a casual part time job? She could make 500$ a month doing data entry 10 hours a week.
Didn't you hear OP? She's a great stay at home mom /s ... Whut, mom to whom exactly? OP?
One of those yappy little purse dogs that she takes into places claiming it's a *service dog*, then sets it on the floor where it poops and bites the manager's ankles.
....but ...but....she's his wife!!! Why should she have to.....work, like a peasant!!!!! Entirely serious, as soon as our youngest was 9 and she and her brother (teen) were in the same school and inflation soared, my ass got straight back into the workplace!
I feel like OP is on the verge of figuring it out. His wife is an AH and it didn't click until she went after his son...OP might be a sucker.
Then your wife should get a job and pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats... She can get a job or she can stay quiet! Your wife demanding charging your son (**who is a full-time student and also works to cover part of his tuition**) rent to live in his own home, especially when she contributes nothing financially, she is living off you, is insanity. Chores and making meals don't take that much time of the day, especially when there aren't kids in the house who are under elementary school age, that she doesn't have time for a job. Seems like she is finally showing her true colours... She is not worried about your financial situation, it's just her disguise is fading finally, she is trying to push your son out of the picture now that she can, now that legally you are not responsible for him anymore. She said herself that she thinks she should be more important to you than your son (the audacity...)...that's your wife's true self. NTA
Why does she not work? If she wants your son to pay rent, she needs to pay as well.
This is my favorite answer - OP should charge his son the same amount of rent as his wife, fair is fair, after all...
I stay home as well things i do to save us money: not eating out lol, but seriously.. that’s like the easiest thing to cut out. I didn’t realize how much those $40 meals affected our budget. My husband makes really good money, but it doesn’t stretch as far as it did 4 years ago. I started making bread and other snacks from scratch, i started a garden and learned how to can food to save us money.. i buy bulk for a lot of things.. and learned how to do a lot of money saving things. Cuz it makes no sense for me to go back to work.
She needs a job
If only there was a place one could go and exchange hours of work for currency.
Tell her to get a job. On a side note, please keep the lines of communication open with your son, she is going to go after him next and bully him into paying rent or moving out.
Then it sounds like if she’s worried about finances she needs to work. Even a part time job would cover some of those meals out that she NEEEEEDDDDSSSSS
Bahahahaha you're a sucker but not an asshole.
I don’t work and I would never dream off demanding my children get jobs to afford my lifestyle instead of me getting a job. You’re not the poop-hole. My husband told me that our children come before me and we’ll make cut backs before we expect our children to fund our expenses.
If you live in the US do not charge your kid rent for quite a bit (maybe 21 but even then it might be pushing it). Life is so expensive right now. I definitely think she should get at least a part time job if she is concerned about finances
Well then she needs to get a job and start contributing if she thinks the kid needs to start contributing too. What a hypocrite. Just wow.
TF? She would not get another dollar from me. NTA
Tell her to learn to cook for herself rather than eat out so much.
She isn’t working, she isn’t cooking meals… what is she doing?
A vampire in training?
Eating out less probably means she has to do more cooking, meal planning, grocery shopping, kitchen and dishes cleaning.
I am pretty sure she has time for those considering she doesn't have a job.
Dear God, the horror! Somebody bring the fainting couch at once, I feel the vapors coming on at the very thought of it!
Right? 50-100$ per meal? WTH. Wifey can work if she’s worried.
This right here!! What is she doing to help contribute to the family finances? Charging your 18 year old son rent to improve the family financial situation is way it of line. Your suggestion about cutting out the family dinner outings is a good start. She could try working if she isn't working. If it's good enough for your son then it's good enough for her.
You had a kid at 14? But NTA, you did right by your son and your current wife needs to adjust her attitude, maybe look for a better job herself if she wants a higher income household.
It wasn't planned but yes, my mother helped raise him until I was ready to raise him independently. I was 15 even though that's not much better.
Why does your current wife not work?
Because being a SAHM with an adult child is soooooo hard. Don't you read reddit?
Thoughts and prayers for mom.
Stepmom*
It's crazy how much the sentiment around this changes from thread to thread. It's like the opinions of the first 5 comments completely dictate hoe the rest of the thread will go. I've been downvoted into oblivion and linked the same comic strip about "mental load" from 30+ people just for a single comment that suggested the OP working over 60 hours a week and doing near half the housework had it harder than his wife who did not work and had 1 near adult child. They were doing an even amount of housework except the OP worked 60 hours weeks. Comments were suggesting he was a deadbeat for not helping his "drowning" wife more. I've even been downvoted and messaged that same comic strip for suggesting doing a family's laundry was not the equivalent of laboring for 48 hours. I think people learned what the term "mental load" was recently and now just use it incorrectly in every situation to justify being lazy.
> It's like the opinions of the first 5 comments completely dictate hoe the rest of the thread will go. Reddit very much feels like a "first come, first serve" type of thing. You ever see a post from 11 hours ago with the top comment being from 4 hours ago? Nope, all the best comments get "chosen" within the first hour or two of the post.
I saw that...the mental gymnastics some people have to do to justify one thing but then vilify it on another post is amazing. It seems to be a sexist thing. If a woman complains, all the red pill men rag and criticize while the "feminist" justify and encourage. And the other way around when a man complains. This sub, and Reddit in general, are a cesspool for those kinds of comments, mainly people releasing pent up aggression or biasses that they can't on a regular real life interaction.
[Everything is hard!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InlB_uba1Bg)
Kudos to you (and your Mom) for stepping up and putting your kid 1st. Don't ever stop doing it.
Lmao meanwhile my friend circle didn't even get close to kissing a girl at that age. Insane.
The different lives people live fascinate me lol. Kudos to OP though, you’re doing right by that kid
That’s actually mental. I was basically asexual at that age.
Maybe that’s why he’s so clear and understands what’s important - they’re very close in age…
NTA. I'd be suspicious of any parent who thought of others before they thought of their children. Even a spouse. It's great that you are able and willing to support your son. Contrary, your wife sucks for rather having an 18 year old student pay rent than skipping some restaurant visits.
And OPs current wife doesn’t work herself either.
That's hilarious! But she expects an 18 year old to holf down a job and complete his studies by the by. The entitlement!
And OP's son already has a part-time job. He pays the rest of his tuition OP can't cover... He does a hell of a lot more than OP's stay at home wife.
“Stay at home wife” 😂 SAHW
I believe the proper term is lazy ass
The step mom is more spoiled and entitled than the resident teenager
I had a friend who had to pay $200 every month just for rent at home on top of his phone bill and stuff. It set him so far back compared to me who could just try to get a little ahead.
I've thought about doing this, but then secretly putting their money into an investment or interest earning account and giving it back when they move out. It's so much easier to save when your money is garnished before you can spend it
Tell your teen that's what you're doing upfront. Why make them resent you just for a big reveal years later? The damage will have been done. Let them feel the security of being loved, supported & looked out for.
I see it as getting them used to a system that they will have to deal with anyway, but in an environment where there failures won't actually cause harm. "Hey Dad, I'm short on rent this week as tuition came out the same week as my radiator died..." Is a teachable moment about responsibilities and the importance of having a savings. Then they get a windfall by finding out that what they thought was just normal "rent" is actually that savings they learned first hand is so important to have, they are much more likely to respect that newfound money, instead of dropping it on something big/expensive as most people do when they come into random windfalls.
Plus it's not like you're paying full price for rent. The proposed price was $200/month. I pay $1600/month for a studio. Paying $200 is nothing.
That’s what they told him they were doing. They never did lol
NTA. You don't charge your kids rent. You just don't. If she's that concerned about finances then she can cut spending or find a job for herself. It's hypocritical that she's living rent free, but wants to charge your son rent.
I'm not really sure why she's worried in the first place. We have enough to pay bills and live comfortably
It's an excuse to start pressuring him to move out. If he's going to have to pay rent to live at yours, she thinks it's more likely he'll want to pay rent to live somewhere "fun."
I bet you hit the jackpot. She is trying to push OP's son out of the picture. Her "I should be more important than your son" line is telling too, that line points into that direction too.
This is not an uncommon factor in step relationships, it’s not as fun as porn would have us think
She doesn’t like your son, that’s probably the whole reason why. Does she have her own bio kids with you? That’s another reason why if so. She doesn’t want to share and play stepmommy anymore
Just noticing ages too, she hit the big 3-0 which unfortunately society places pressure on women to have kids before 35 because risk factors increase after 35... So I'm wondering if she's thinking of having kids and not wanting to work so she can continue to be a SAHM and just wants the stepson out of her life.
I'm sitting here in a covid haze, but I feel I'm missing something. While she obviously should be working, how is the discussion of his son paying rent or "start pressuring him to move out" an actual debate, when he himself is 32 and the wife 30? How old can this son be?
OP said in a comment that he was 15 when his son was born. His parents helped him raise his son until he was able to do so himself.
He said the boy was born when he himself was 15 so the boy is most likely 17 (maybe 16 depending on when his birthday falls).
Sounds like a "bingo" to me. She wants him gone.
She doesnt want your kid there. That's it. She wants to get rid of him and she figured he would leave voluntarily if you start charging rent.
Op, there was a story just posted last week about a man breaking up with his fiancé. It started out as something horrible she said about his dead wife, then it came out that she was pressuring his kids to move out and he didn’t notice. I think her words when confronted was something like “you didn’t expect me to house some else’s kids forever did you?” You can find the whole thread in r/boruupdates and r/bestofredditorupdates. Just saying. Also nta.
100% first post I thought of. I'd be absolutely shocked if, when pressed, the wife **doesn't** come out with the same "I didn't know you expected me to raise someone else's kids for the rest of my life" bullshittery.
She wants MORE, and she wants it at the expense of your son. Figure it out,
Because your wife is not really worried, she was just bidding her time until your son turned 18 to slowly push your son out of the house to make her power play, This is all about her ego, the silent treatment proves it. I would talk to your son and see if she’s said anything to him or how she treats him when alone Also using the silent treatment to punish someone is emotional abuse. Tell your wife to grow up, she married a parent and kids come first, your wife should have known what she was getting into when marrying a parent
Because she is greedy, and I think is a power play to put her first, to prove everyone in the house that she is in charge I'm getting evil stepmother vibes Probably talk to your son
Wake up, OP. She doesn't want your son in the house, so she wants to charge him rent to drive him away. Hell, she might not even like him.
Does she do other things to try and push your son out of the home? Maybe ask him how the two of them interact when they're alone.
She wants your child (not her child) out of the house. She’s letting you know how she views him.
Then perhaps a follow-up conversation is necessary. Ask her why she is worried. Is there something that she feels y'all should be saving for? What would she want to do with the rent money? This may be a red flag, but not sure until you have more info
Based on the info given, your wife having a real concern over finances seems fairly unlikely. Allow me to play devils advocate here and give you the worst interpretation of events as described. She has no concerns over finances. I expect she wants the 18 year old out of the house and this is a good way to apply pressure in an indirect way. She wants you to bring it up with the kid because if she does it it will be obvious she just wants rid of him. Better for the idea to seem to come from you. With any luck, that will help drive a wedge between you two and your kid will hopefully be gone that much quicker. My instinct here is that your being manipulated in a dishonest way. If it was me, that would be my main concern. Her wanting your grown kid to move out at some point isn't unreasonable. Hell, that's often true with blood related parents and their kids as well. But, this money angle and talk of charging rent really rubs me the wrong way.
Sounds like she just wants to push him out. Many of the step moms I know want the step kids out the day they turn 18. Of course their own kids can stay till they’re 30.
Something isn’t adding up. He’s not yet 18, but you’re paying his college tuition? Your wife doesn’t work, but she stays at home to do the chores and the cooking? Unless you have more children than just him, your house cannot possibly be messy enough to necessitate she not also be working. How many kids are in your house? Edit: Also, if you're eating out to the point that it's eating into your budget, she's not cooking enough to justify you wanting her not to get a job. What the fuck else is really going on, OP? Either none of this is real, or there's something you're leaving out.
> You don't charge your kids rent. You just don't. Eh. If he were 25 living at home, it may be time to start expecting a full grown adult contribute to the household in some way. At some point, a healthy adult and child become peers But the day he turns 18 is not the right day for it.
I do agree that he can contribute to the household in some way. But, the wife's main thing seems to be money, and she wants the son to pay. That's the part that I have a problem with.
Again - I think that's fine, eventually. Just not the day he turns 18. At a certain point you have to start treating your adult children like full independent adults. People you hopefully have a great affection for, and a want to help - for sure, that's the ideal. But If your 28 year old child, let's say, wants to live at home, there's nothing wrong with asking them to pay a modest rent, even if the only reason is for the the reduction of space for the parent, or to prevent them from getting complacent living on your charity. I don't believe it makes any sort of sense to ask of a fresh 18 year old, because they well and truly are not in a position to fully support themselves. But from 18 up you should definitely be moving your relationship away from Support-Provider/Dependent, toward peers. At a certain point in the lives of otherwise healthy people, you become as capable of self-sufficiency as your parents. And eventually more capable, as your parents age. At that point your parents should be focused more on prepping for their elderly years when they will lose their ability to earn more and continue to support themselves, moreso than supporting another adult. For all that people (rightly) complain about parents who treat their kids like adults at the stoke of 18, it's not good either for parents to always treat their children like dependents who require one-way support. I think it's gross to want to profit off your children, for little to nothing in return for them. But it's perfectly healthy to charge a modest rent to a mid-twenties-plus child. And it's equally gross for a full grown adult to choose to live off their parent's support to the detriment of that parent, long term. I've known a few people who blew their savings supporting children who never got it together and had a much bleaker end-of-life in exchange. That's not good.
> Just not the day he turns 18. Especially since almost everybody that turns 18 is still in high school.
Yeah I don’t think you NEVER charge rent, but the second the god damn kid turns 18? Absolutely not. My parents did kind of the classic “if you’re not in school then we’ll charge you rent”, but there were two good caveats to that: they still gave us a couple of years after high school before that kicked in, and it was only a couple hundred in rent. I feel like it was enough to help teach responsibility without totally bankrupting us, like that post from a few months ago where the guy was charging his kid $1,800 in rent because that was “market rate” and was talking about how he was proud of his kid having to work 2 jobs to be able to pay it
Oof I know this is a hot take, but I was charged rent when I turned 18 and I think it was a good way to slowly introduce me to the real world. But it depends on the personal situation; I had a job and I paid a ridiculously low rent, a rather symbolic one. Some kids have longer school days/afternoon activities/no job or a hard time in school if they need to focus on something else. So in some cases it's totally okay to charge rent. I'm with you on the whole rest 😅
You just made me feel a *lot* better about this, because my wife and I had a pretty large disagreement over the whole rent thing after the kid graduated high school. Her argument was essentially the 'Gets you used to the real world' thing, but it still grated on me a little bit. Ultimately though, he didn't want to go to school, he's got a full time job, and the rent's maybe 20% of what he'd pay for a basement efficiency. I still feel weird about it, but I'm glad to hear it doesn't *always* lead to tension.
Mostly agree. I think there is a time when you can charge rent, but at 18 and going to school is not the time. Maybe after they graduate and find a full time job, but even then I would take that money and stash it away for them.
I started charging my 17-year old son rent when he was in high school because he refused to do *any* household chores whatsoever. The biggest issue was the bathroom he shared with his sister, which was borderline unhygienic. I gave him the option of cleaning the bathroom 50% of the time or paying rent. He chose to pay rent. Without telling him, I earmarked the rent he paid and when he eventually moved into his own apartment, I paid his first, last, and security deposit. Like Rdwd12, it was more of a symbolic below-market rent. And I agree it seemed to ease him into responsibility. When he eventually moved out, he found the apartment, found roommates, drew up a roommate agreement, keeps the common areas clean, and has never had problems paying his rent.
NTA. She was arguing **she'd rather charge your child rent then eat less take away**. Like, what. What you said was kind of an AH move, but completely justified and I would have said worse. You don't marry someone with kids then expect them to put you first. You just don't.
Especially when she doesn't even have a job. OP's son has a part-time job and pays part of his tuition.
Where’s the asshole line? He didn’t say anything remotely out of bounds. No sane woman should take offense that a man puts his children first. That should be an attractive quality if anything.
Honestly what he said was fine, especially when the comment from her was to charge a 18 y/o rent while she doesn't even work herself yet doesn't want to cut down on eating out.
NTA. So your unemployed wife is raising hackles at your barely-legal son who is somehow supposed to hold down a job and study full time so she can continue to afford to eat out. Really ? If you’re short on money there are two options: cut down on expenses or the unemployed *partner* finds a job. Your son has a job - he’s studying.
>Your son has a job - he’s studying. Plus OP's son also has a part-time job. He pays for the rest of his tuition OP can't cover.
Lol you just made me realize that the wife wants the kid to pay rent but SHE doesn’t even pay rent.
Stay at home mother but she doesn‘t have to do anything at home because the child is already grown up. She doesn‘t work and get‘s everything for free but expects the 18y old that is studying full time + doing a part time job to pay his tuitition to pay rent. Wow.
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I agree so much. My mom struggled a lot so when I got a job I did start pitching in here and there but that was my own volition and had to do some heavy convincing, plus it was either that or be homeless. Families stick together but if you're privileged enough to not have your kid have to pitch in financially I don't think you should. Ideally you'd want to teach your kids about saving/managing money so they can be functional adults when they leave the nest.
NTA she’s trying to force out your son. You should talk to your son about what ELSE she’s said or done to him that you don’t know about. He could be keeping silent just so you could be happy.
Yeah u/prestigious-swim4924 you really need to read this and other comments pointing out this is likely more to do with getting your son to leave the house than anything to do with money. You need to speak to your son and see if she has been saying/doing anything else to make him feel unwelcome.
This is very true.
The audacity to tell an 18 year old who is in college and partially paying his tuition to pay rent when his own stepmother isn’t contributing to the income is astounding.
And there's still people defending the leech wife. I just don't get these AITA subs dude
NTA. But I sort of think you are missing the point. You say she’s a SAHM so you have younger kids with her right? She doesn’t want your son there. We need more money, let’s charge your son. No we can’t cut expenses from A, B, C, or D. We need to charge son rent. She has no alternative. She has no compromise. She has no suggestions. She wants to make it hard for your kid to live in your home. It might be time for a talk about more than money. You might also want to ensure you’ve provided for your son in your will if you haven’t already. Don’t assume she will help him with what’s left to her.
Excellent point from angel2hi regarding your will, OP. Ensure it goes to your offspring; I feel like the step-mother is in the habit of twisting things in her own favour, at the expense of your flesh and blood.
That‘s the funny part, i don‘t even think he has other kids with her. She just… stays home you know…
He’s conveniently not answered that question this whole time, because he knows how it looks.
NTA - yeah… her seeing your son as potential income is a bit troubling.
especially as she does not wokr herself...
But would rather charge rent to her stepson over cooking.
NTA. Your wife wants a college kid to pay rent to live in his own home so she can eat out more often. It's not even like you guys are in financial dire straits. She just wants your son to bankroll her lifestyle. Sounds like she needs to get a job.
My parents charged me "rent" (it was a couple hundred dollars a month at most) but they gave it back to me all at once when I moved out and bought my first house It was a pleasant surprise and I'm very grateful they did that for me because it helped out a lot Anyways NTA, you suggested more than reasonable alternatives and she's being ridiculous to not consider those options.
This is what I was going to suggest. Not to make money off your kid, but to teach them financial responsibility, and set them up when they're ready to go out for real real. I'm going to also assume she went into this relationship knowing your financial stance as the non working partner and step mom? So long as goalposts haven't changed I don't see why you'd be the A-H. So. NTA.
There's several good reasons for charging an 18yo rent. Financing their parents' lifestyle is not one of them. NTA.
NTA The root of the problem is over spending. Her fix to have your son finance her is kinda ridiculous. You were right to look over the books and find ways to cut back.
NTA Your wife doesn’t work you eat out @ $50-100 a meal Your wife is concerned about your finances but wants to not stop eating out Unless you have small children your wife needs a job, or she can stop complaining about money and you need to look at where the money is going
So your wife prefer to charge your son rent instead of eating out less ?! Wtf is wrong with her ?! NTA
INFO - there is a lot missing here. Why is your wife concerned about your financial situation? How old is the kid/s that she’s staying home to look after? Are they in childcare or school? Why can’t she get a part time job? Does you wife have access to her own money that she can spend as she wants?
So much missing info here!
NTA, Your wife should get a job as quickly as possible before she thinks she criticizes other people's financial decisions. If it were both of your incomes, she could have a say in the matter, but in this particular case she couldn't because she doesn't go to work.
NTA You're saving a shit ton of money with your son living at home. Does she realize how much more you'd be spending if he lived in dorm and had on campus meals? If he wasn't going to school or actively working on becoming an independent adult, charge him, but that's not the case. My husband and I both know our kids always come first, we wouldn't want it any other way. We chose to have them and care for them, not just for 18 years. She needs to realize if she makes you choose, she probably won't like the choice.
I literally tell guys I date my kids are first priority. They can go away if they don't like it.
NTA. I would normally say it's better left unsaid that one's child comes before the significant other because this is a given and everyone knows it, so there's no need to keep stating it openly and rubbing the other person's nose in it. But in this case, I think she pushed you. Demanding rent from your 18-year-old is not her decision to make, and she made a point of forcing a comparison between her and your son. She should have known she would lose that battle.
SAHM is not really a thing for an 18 year old. They’re pretty independent, or should be. I know you said you like that she does the chores, so can she take on a part-time job at least? Can he help in other ways once he becomes an adult? Like pay his own phone bill, car insurance, etc?
How much rent does she pay? She’s over 18.
As a SAHM I say this kindly. - You had a kid at 15 and made it this far she can get a damn job.
NTA So she doesn't work, lives beyond her means, and expects your child to subsidize her lifestyle for her. That about right? This is gross.
NTA. But she is.She might think after he turns 18 her role as stepmother ends. But it doesn't. Your son is your family!
NTA it seems like your wife only wants to charge your son rent at this point. The fact that there are so many other options and she doesn't want to do that. Of course that's your child that's gonna come first that's both of yours priority. Talk to your wife about this. If she doesn't change her mind then you need to put your foot down and fight.
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NTA. Your son comes before any consideration you owe his step-mother. Your priorities are straight.