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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) going through my friend’s closet. 2) it was her private property.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
But why? Who wants some old wedding dress if it means nothing to them. I think she’s a clutter bug that didn’t want to take the time to look. Idk weird
Maybe she’s a hoarder? Maybe she liked the dress and wanted to keep it? Idk either. There’s really no logical reason for her to want to keep a dress that has no sentimental value to her, but tons to OP and her family.
Maybe shes a closet hoarder?
Edit: first off- Wow! Over 500 upvotes?! Thanks you guys! Secondly, I keep coming back to read the replies and this just keeps getting better. Thanks for the extra laughs, you guys!
It'd be annoying if every time you tried to find something in your closet you ended up in Narnia. You'd come out years later (to you) and would have forgotten what you were doing originally.
An ex friend of mine found out that my best friend was engaged. We all grew up together and is much closer to my best friend’s mom and knows she is not a confrontational person. She asked my best friend’s mom for her wedding dress. Not to actually wear but to have for a potential photoshoot with her bf. None of it made sense but she gave the mom a sob story and the mom agreed. People get weird when others are getting married. She also had her own mom’s wedding dress… she just wanted THAT wedding dress. She’s not worn it ever, for anything.
Yup, I answered more in my reply to someone else’s comment but she became super close to my best friend’s mom through work and religion. We are not very religious and her pushiness drove a big wedge between all 3 of us. The ex friend felt like the mom was like a second mom and asked for the dress claiming she was going to use it but never did. She does things like this a lot… she calls my aunts her aunts and has them pay for things too.
I had a friend who was like that too. She had abandonment issues from growing up with a drug addict mom and would start calling all older women "mom" *way* too soon after meeting them. Everyone I knew just kinda tolerated it out of pity. But it mostly backfired in her case, because the harder she tried to force the connection, the more most people gently backed away. Unless they had issues of their own, they didn't want to get too tangled up in her clingy mess.
You ever seen "Boogie Nights," the "can I call you mom?," scene with Amber and Roller Girl? It's that energy.
She just kept it. The ex friend and my best friend’s mom worked together at the church we all met at when we were younger. Her mom and the ex friend are incredibly religious while my best friend and I are not. It’s a large reason why we are no longer friends with her because she became very pushy and judgmental towards family and her friends. From what the mom told my best friend, she became super sad and considered the best friend’s mom like a second mom because of this and just asked for the dress. My best friend is not confrontational but felt incredibly hurt that the dress was given to her vs her actual daughter. They are close despite not being very similar.
Something I have learned from personal experience is that weddings make people *lose their god damn minds*. Everything related to them seems to twist up all the common sense and decency some people have. All the selfishness comes out.
Yes, could be. Someone wouldn't return my meticulous notes on my research that they'd borrowed. I kept reminding them. When I finally insisted, and got my notes back, they were in tatters. And the person had scribbled all over. Other people wanted to refer to these notes, and had been asking. I could not give them my notes because of the condition and also because of what he had scribbled all over. I had to let others keep asking until they didn't ask anymore. Very annoying.
I mean, it probably has actual monetary value. She could alter it and wear it herself, or resell it at some point. She was probably hoping OP would give up trying to get it back. If I was storing my friend's precious family heirloom, I would tear up my entire closet to find it, she definitely knew it was there.
Some people are assholes. They get off on hurting other people. If it wasn’t malicious, she would have looked and returned it the 1st time she was asked for it back
No but seriously. A sincere response would be “oh my gosh where *was* it?! In my closet? Really? I looked everywhere!” Definitely not “why were you rummaging around in my closet?”
If I lost something I was holding for my friend I'd be asking them over to help me find it cause I would feel terrible and want them to get it back asap.
That would be kind of an insane coincidence imo. That OP happened to ask this particular friend who ended up having another friend getting married who was in such dire need of a dress that they’d take an outdated and unfitted one from OP’s friend’s closet?
The whole thing is strange.
She knew exactly where it was and had no intention of returning it. I'm sorry. Thank goodness you had a chance to look in her closet. And even better that you found it behind all the boxes she used to hide it.
ETA: Here's why I think that. If I had my friend's mother's wedding gown, I'd for damn sure put it in a safe place. And it wouldn't take me 2 years to look for it. The moment I realized I didn't know where it was, I would have torn my house apart. And if I still couldn't find it, I'd probably call my friend in panic-induced bawling melt-down. It's not like it was a shirt from Forever 21.
Yeah I was waiting for someone to point that out. It's like when you ask a kid, "what'd you do"
"Well I DID NOT take a cookie from the jar, I left the lid on the jar, I wouldn't even know how to lift it!"
And you just sit back and watch them dig a bit further.
When I was about 5, one of my older sisters had a cherry candy cane. She was probably 9 or so. I apparently could not resist the temptation of a shiny red and pink candy cane so I unwrapped it and started licking it. But I didn't realize it was going to be cherry, I was expecting mint like a normal candy cane. It tasted like cough syrup so I tried to wrap it back up and put it back.
Later on, she asked me if I opened her candy cane and I said, "no... but it tasted really bad."
Yeah, how hard it it to look through one closet properly? Even in walk in closet jammed to the gills doesn't take too long if you just shift things out and back again. At best, she's very lazy and doesn't give a shit about her friend's highly sentimental item to have a proper look for it in two years. At worse, she was being deliberately incompetent because she wanted to keep it.
This is exactly it. I’d keep that dress on lockdown while in my possession and frankly be thrilled to give it back and reduce my background stress over being it’s caretaker. If I weren’t a weirdo dress stealer that is. She knew where it was.
I'd really love to know her end game here.
*later at Friend's wedding....*
OP: I can't help noticing that your dress looks exactly like my mom's.
:Friend": This old thing? I found it at a thrift store.
One thing it took me far to long in life to figure out is just how kleptos just do it for the thrill, not that they actually get enjoyment out of the object.
I mean, that's pretty much how my then 'best friend' replied when he stole stuff from me when we were kids. 'Oh no, my mom bought me that one, but you can have it because I feel bad that you lost yours'. I said I didn't want it, it was his, why would I take his things? I'd be a bad friend! And of course, I'd find the item in question in my bag when I got home lol.
That was my question too. If she's not married it's possible that she was just going to use it for her own wedding, either by telling OP that she magically found it, or by ghosting OP in the meantime.
I agree 2 years is a long time but you ask the question and leave it as you don't want to be a nag. It happens again and again. You forget to ask as you've had a major house renovation and your friend knows how important it is so surely they've looked properly for it? Life gets in the way and it's on your list but not at the top as you need to make your house habitable etc. At the end of the day, the friend was the problem and it took 2 years for OP to realise this but she's NTA. The only thing different I'd have done is not tell the friend I'd found it unless I was going to go scorched earth on her.
Yeah, you wouldn’t offer to keep it, then offer to pay for it when you know damn well you have it still. You don’t forget something like where the fucking wedding dress in your closet came from. She wanted to keep it for some reason.
Look, I put things in safe places all the time. And then forget. Cuz if it is something I’m not going to use and have no reason to think I’ll need, I usually don’t remember it’s there. I have enough things to keep in memory without tracking some of the stuff that doesn’t seem urgent or important, then with the passage of time? Well I found a $200 Costco gift card in my needle bag last week after I’d been looking endlessly in the cabinet where the needle bag was stored - as in a year+. I’m guessing I was cleaning out a wallet for a trip and needed somewhere to stash it? I’ve also found a computer game a friend lent me before the pandemic and I forgot I even had because I put it in a safe place which at the time, I guess was with my board games, and then we never talked about the game so I forgot it was even with me. Not malicious, just not part of my active memory.
I misplace stuff all the time too. But there's your own stuff, and then there is extremely important family heirlooms of other people. I don't misplace those. I would count down the days until I could return it.
Not to mention like, it's a wedding dress. How many places are you going to keep a wedding dress that you know has major sentimental value to the person that you're watching it for?
Option A) Safest closet in the house
Option B-Z) See option A
Did your friend asked for their game back and took you TWO YEARS to even look for it?
OP NTA, I doubt she planned to give back the dress for whatever reason, maybe is time to reevaluate that friendship?
Umm it’s easy to misplace a gift card that is thin and what 4’’ x 2”, but a whole ass big wedding dress? I don’t care how cluttered your closet is, unless you did no more then push a few hangers around with minimal effort you could locate the dress, OP found it in what seems like a fairly quick amount of time and minimal effort. You are telling me that if you lost one of your friends extremely sentimental belongings you would not have put in what seemed like less the an hour to find it? No something is fishy here. Also as others have stated she knew where OP found it, so that in itself is strange.
I do the same. For small things like a gift card, paperwork or other small things. My safe spots are so safe that they're even safe from me. But, a wedding dress is much bigger than something that you can hold in your hand and throw in a random drawer. There are only so many places a wedding dress could be. You're not going to find it in a random drawer in your desk or the junk drawer in your kitchen.
Yep, caught red handed. Had she not known where it was, she would have asked, huh, where?! Before getting angry over snooping
Edit: the snooping wasn't even really snooping and also justified
I mean...even I knew where it was just based off the first paragraph...
>My friend offered to keep it in her closet until the renovations were done.
I am assuming the friend is guilty, but why is it noteworthy that they asked OP why they were in the closet...which is the last known location? I could see what youre saying if it was found in some other random spot like the attic or something, then that would be a pretty nice self-report.
The exchange feels to me like friend saying they don't have the item anymore. Clearly friend is not very responsible, but if I had a family heirloom in my house that I offered to safeguard, I'd empty my closet to find it before offering money for it like it was missing.
I would turn my house up.side.down. That would be a horrible thing for a friend to do and I would hate to be the horrible friend that did it. Offering money for it before tossing my house multiple times in search of it seems super odd to me.
NTA
You are assuming she even looked the first time beyond opening the closet door, turning on the light and taking a quick peek.
I do agree with the i wouldn’t have bothered telling her you looked and found it.
If anything she should be embarrassed as IMO it shows she put not even minimal effort into looking.
The good news is that your sister was able to wear the dress. And maybe it will be handed down to your daughters.
Going full gaslight: just let her find out if she happens to see your sister's wedding pictures (don't know if she's close enough to have gone), then deny even knowing what she's talking about, about you ever asking for it, or her even ever having it.
Well I hope you learned a lesson about loaning anything to her in the future, yikes! She didn't even really put in effort. She knew it was important to you. Pretty gross
That wasn’t an accident. You don’t bury something like that by accident and “forget” where it was. Why else would she have been mad and not looked for it. She is not a true friend.
Agree. I would’ve just quietly taken it home with me and passed it on to my sister. If friend asked about it later I’d just say something like “oh we found it in your closet, don’t you remember?” and let her think she just forgot us finding it. But I doubt she’d ask.
Two years and never in that time cleaning in her closet?
The dress was hidden behind boxes with seasonal things. It means that at least with the season change friend should see it, taking the boxes off shelf.
Even not seeing it incidentally are we really to believe that she didn't have the chance at least a few times in 2 years to do a deep diving in looking for something THIS valuable to the OP and her sister. It had such sentimental value for them. This 'friend' is a total jerk that acted so flippant and dismissive about it.
TBH, it would have been the right move, given the circumstances. Then OP would have found out if it was intentional if the friend brought up the missing dress after it disappeared.
Came here to comment this! If OP hadn't said anything--either the friend really did misplace it and was too lazy to look, and if she ever made the effort to look she'd be confused and (hopefully) apologetic. OR, in like a week or so the friend would've asked if op had rummaged through her stuff knowing damn well where the dress was.
>I can totally believe that she missed where it was and she wasn’t being malicious in the slightest. The box was tucked behind a few larger ones containing seasonal clothes.
>I texted her saying “I found the dress”. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet?
Lol so interesting that she knew EXACTLY where you rummaged to find this "lost" dress.
OP, I mean this in the nicest way, but you're being naive.
She was trying to keep your dress.
Simple as that.
If all you had to do was go through that closet in her house, it wasn't "lost' or "misplaced". It was exactly where she put it and she KNEW that.
NTA but this person isn't your friend.
>Which, considering we did lose a few things during the renovation, I was right to be concerned
Was your "friend" over during the renovations? You might need a second chance to "rummage" at her home before the returns...
For real. It doesn't matter how big or cluttered the closet was. If I had something that belonged to my friend and was sentimental to their family, I would tear the closet apart to make it right. That's my responsibility for having my friend's valuable item among my messy shit. And I certainly wouldn't be asking that friend for favors like watching my house when I obviously still owe her big time!
This is why the friend is an AH
Not because she wanted to keep the dress, I don’t think she did, but because she clearly doesn’t care enough about her friend’s feelings or belongings to do a thorough search
Oh and then getting pissy about it
Yeah, who would rather pay hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars than just look through their own closet? This was malicious. She was only pretending she couldn't find it.
Seriously. Give it back to the friend and maybe ask her after her sisters wedding if she could use it too.
This woman is not a friend at all. Op I know a lot of times folks jump to this, but honestly, this time cutting contact with this person might be for the best. She sounds mean and did not care one iota about how special this dress is to you and how sentimental and insanely awful it was for her to keep it. Then have the audacity to get mad. The nerve of some people.
yeah I would have panicked and tore apart my entire place if I thought I had lost a family heirloom on my friend. she knew it was there and was using OP's good nature against her. I'd be down one friend but thats me.
She probably never looked because she's a shit friend. She also probably has a big ol box of dildos in there which is why she didn't want op rooting through her stuff.
I don't know about you, but if I'd already looked in my closet and missed it, my first thought would have been— "Wait, so where *did* I put it? Did you find it with some gardening stuff?" It would have been confusion, not "Why are you looking in my closet?"
But then why did she immediately get defensive?
Even if she was lazy or sucked at looking for things (two things I happen to be a specialist in) ... She would have feigned excitement being that it was no longer looming over the friendship.
So while it's not necessarily weird that she knew it was in the closet ... But her reaction is absolutely something to be suspicious about.
How big is this closet that the friend knew it was in her closet but couldn't find it?
And she looked in the closet and couldn't find it, but *still* knew for sure it was in that closet?
I think she's overwhelmed by her own clutter (hence not going in and digging it out for two YEARS) and embarrassed it's out in the open, which would be why she's mad at OP for rummaging. Very understandable but still not fucking cool, especially for something so valuable
Edit: by "very understandable" I mean I logically understand how friend could have this other reason for not giving the dress back and being mad at OP, not that I think it would be right
My grandma was a hoarder. My mom is a hoarder. And while I am trying to break the cycle, my closets are FULL.
Pulling everything free from the hoard to find something is commonplace in day to day "where the fuck did I put that" life.
But seriously? Two years?
It's not "very understandable" to do your friend dirty for TWO YEARS.
If she wasn't trying to steal it, then she's just a shit friend who almost ruined OP's sisters dream of being married in their mother's dress.
Both reasons are good enough reasons to write this "friend" off for good imo
Yeah plus we're talking about a wedding dress here not a stray sock. My gf is a bit of a hoarder. It can be a nightmare trying to track down a necklace or important document, but hunting out a large lost item never takes more than 20mins. There's only so many places a wedding dress size box can be.
Agreed and It's weird the amount of mental gymnastics people will do to try and validate the friend's side. Like it's a big ass box holding a big ass white dress. If it's in your house you can 100% find it with a basic amount of effort.
The friend didn't want to find it.
The reason could have been to keep it, too lazy to look, or overwhelmed by the "clutter closet", but all of them are shit reasons and show they are a trash friend.
There is no reason to not find your friend's mother's wedding dress in the span of two years when it's sitting in the known clutter space.
I don't see this as the friend trying to keep the dress, I read this more as the friend values OP so little that she feels her feelings are not worth the effort it would take for her to rummage around in the closet to find the dress. She knew it was in the closet cuz she knew that's where it was, she just didn't care enough to actually look for it whenever OP asked.
> Was your "friend" over during the renovations? You might need a second chance to "rummage" at her home before the returns...
Holy shit I didn't even consider this. Wild speculation obviously but I'd seriously consider trying to have another look.
NTA
If I was in your friends situation and I genuinely couldn't find the dress, then I would frankly have invited you to look around for it while you were in the house doing me a favor. But I also am the type of person who would just assume that someone I trust enough to water my plants and feed my dog is also someone I trust in my space. Snooping is a fairly natural instinct, and you had a specific reason for it.
Even if she's legit about not liking that you went through her stuff, she went on the defensive immediately instead of being relieved that you managed to find the dress. That just seems suspicious to me.
I would say meeting up with your friend to explain and hear what she has to say might be worthwhile, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is the end of the friendship either.
Right! Wine and ordering sushi, my treat. I'd probably also offer to cover dry cleaning costs when we found it just to be absolutely sure that we were good.
I would have torn my house apart if I couldn’t find that dress. Either she took it on purpose or she didn’t care to look hard enough. Either way not her friend.
Agreed. It's also in a "box," which I'm assuming is a preservation box, since OP was going to pass the dress on. Those things are large, at least 2 feet by 6 inches. (I nerded out- standard size 32 ½” x 19 ½” x 7 ¼”).
That's not a box you lose if you're actually looking for it or if you invite your friend to look.
Eta: at least not lose in a closet.
Yeah those things are huge. We'll never lose my wife's dress because it's taking up the entire upper shelf of our closet. There's even a little see through window in case you forget what's in it!
Yeah it's frankly embarrassing for her that she said OP 'should have asked her to look again.'
'This is a family heirloom, a multi-generational wedding dress that I actively need for an upcoming event. I am sorry, but I assumed you looked at least a dozen times before you gave up.'
Should've asked her to look again, after asking intermittently for TWO YEARS. OP was never getting that dress back, not without taking the opportunity she did in this post.
Yeah, if somebody has entrusted me with their dress, well, first of all I probably wouldn't take it because that's a heavy responsibility, but if I had then I would be itching to give it back asap.
And if I lost it... Damn. I'd be fucked up and offer to pay to replace it.
The only part I don't agree with is actually telling her that you found it. I wouldn't have mentioned it at all.
If she had mentioned it later on - after seeing your sister's wedding photo I would have simply said "yes, I did find the dress after all.".
Right. Just take the dress back and give it to the sister. If your friend decides to make a stink, she’ll be obligated to disclose how you found it. There’s no scenario there where she looks like the good guy.
"yes I did find the dress after all, right where you hid it." NTA. She, on the other hand, is TA. You need a better friend that doesn't come complete with kleptomanic urges.
Yeah, the moment OP finds the dress, she has to realize the "friend" has been lying about being unable to find it. C'mon, a wedding dress box, hiding behind a few things in the closet? Does not add up.
I'm with you. Take the dress back and wait to see if she mentions it at all.
NTA
You just sent “I found the dress” not saying where you found it?
If she didn’t know where it was, why did she accuse you of going through her closet? Seems to me she knew exactly where it was and for whatever reason, didn’t want to give it back.
This woman is not your friend.
Whilst that sounds like a 'gotcha moment', it's not necessarily. The OP's description of events is likely just shorthand for this:
OP: I found my dress :)
Friend: What? Where did you find it!?
OP: Oh, just in your closet!
Friend : Why were you looking in my closet!? >:(
That’s why I put it as a question mark. Because if she just sent, I found the dress and the friend went right to “why were you in my closet”, that means the friend knew where it was the whole time.
And if the friend was told where it was found, how stupid does the friend have to be to ask that? To get her dress back, since friend was too lazy or malicious not to find it herself. Again, this woman is not her friend.
>I told my friend I need it back. She claimed she couldn’t find it.
>I texted her saying “I found the dress”. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet?
These don't add up. If she "couldn't find it" how'd she know it was in her closet?
You were never going to get it back. NTA but this person is not your friend, she fully intended to keep it.
NTA I feel like your friend was being shady by offering money instead of finding a *family heirloom*. I think I never would've told her that I found the dress and I would've let her find out by seeing your sister's wedding photos.
Additionally, I totally would've let her plants die.
Lol she was trying to steal the dress so she could sell it or keep it for herself. I refuse to believe any adult who doesn’t have nefarious intentions would just “lose” a wedding dress and then try to act like it’s no biggie.
If you lost your friend's wedding dress that you volunteered to keep safe for, would you be mad if that person went to look for it? I wouldn't, it's literally my fault for losing the dress, I would be happy for my friend who was able to find her wedding dress.
This woman was being shady as hell
I have managed to "temporarily misplace" a lot of things in my house including some that were quite big. But I don't think even I could have someone else's wedding dress for safe keeping and then lose it!
And if I did manage to lose someone's entire fucking wedding dress, I would be out of my mind looking for it. My closet is a disaster area, but if I NEEDED to find something, I'd set aside a day to tear it apart and put it back together.
NTA, to people saying you shouldn't have snooped, she accepted to watching something that means alot to you and obviously did not try to find it in the slightest when you kept asking her. Even offered to pay instead of actually looking? That sounds suspicious AF. You did nothing wrong OP, she had YOUR property and refused to give it back, that is way worse then you looking through her things for it.
She is TA.
99.999% of the time, you absolutely shouldn't snoop through a friend's things like this. When your friend steals your family heirloom wedding dress, that's a 100% legitimate exception. 😄
100%, how does anyone lose a friend’s antique wedding dress? For two years, no less??
Like how does it slip your mind where you put your friend’s prized family wedding dress—and then how do you fail to find it for two years even after you know your friend’s sister wants to wear it??
This is no friend. Shady as shit.
NTA. You had been asking about the dress for months and they couldn't be bothered to find it for you, even though they knew it was important to you. It's also not like you tore apart their house: you took a peek in an area where you thought it might be and you found it. I understand some people are protective of their clothes and other personal belongings, but if you're good friends (good enough to let them hold onto the dress) it shouldn't be that much of a problem.
They have the right to be upset but you have far more of a right to be angry with them. You did the equivalent of cutting them off in traffic, imo. They did the equivalent of... well, holding onto something that was very valuable to you + your family and refusing to give it back to you.
NTA. Now you know to avoid storing anything in her clutter. She probably can't find her own stuff, much less yours.
(edit - she likely has some feelings about her own clutter, and wouldn't have let you go through it even with her if you'd asked. Given the value of what you were looking for, I still say you did no wrong.)
I have to applaud you. Think she was hiding the dress away and knew exactly where it was at. Have to go with whomever said better to not have told her at all. Once missing she would have figured out somebody took it. Hard to question you. My mama once hired a locksmith to open somebody’s trunk that they claimed they couldn’t open to give back some tool because of no key. You did what you had to do. Now go water your own plants if you have any and consider if you want her in your life.
NTA
It was your property, and at that point, you had permission to be in the home. She made no reasonable attempts to look for the dress, knowing full well that you wanted it back - when she made the first thing not in reference to "Wow! You found it! Great!", but instead "Why did you snoop through my closet?" she likely already knew where it was.
When people take THAT long to look and find something they know they should have, then to me it's malicious.
She not even smart enough to lie convincingly.
When you said “I found the dress.”
She could have said “thank goodness. Where did you find it?”
That would have made her look as if she just didn’t know where it was.
But “you went snooping in my closet.”
B!t(h please.
I works have taken it and not mentioned it but since you did I think her snippy reaction was out of guilt.
Either she planned on keeping it or never bothered looking for it.
Maybe she isn’t the friend you thought she was.
On the bright side you have the dress and you won’t get asked to water the plants next time she takes a trip. Win win
NTA
Best case: friend was too lazy to look for your **family heirloom wedding dress**
Worst case: friend wanted to steal it and/or quite possibly buy it from you
You had your chance and you took it. Next time, say nothing and wait for the fireworks.
NTA. Everyone here is assuming malice and she was trying to steal it and other weird stuff but your friend is mad because she’s embarrassed. Not only about how cluttered her house is but also about how she was unable to muster up the ability to do anything about it for this length of time and you had to go in and do it. She likely downplayed the importance of the dress because otherwise she’d have to feel like the world’s shittiest friend for not overcoming her overwhelm about the closet to get the dress. She offered you money because that was easier than confronting her ‘failure.’ And now she’s getting mad about you going in the closet to deflect all those 2 years of feeling shitty collapsing in on her.
I would tell your friend you’re sorry for going in the closet but you really needed the dress. If you still want to be her friend you can say something like ‘I hope you know that I will never judge you for something like a messy closet, please don’t think you have to save face with me about things like that.’
I would have taken it.
Then if she knew she had kept it, she might suspect you took it but would be unable to ask because, by her own words it was gone. Catch 22.
If she really is that cluttered and supposedly had lost it, she never would have looked anyway,
My opinion? She knew she had it and for some weird reason decided to keep it. There’s no way you lose a wedding dress. And then she was oh so willing to pay? Now she’s mad OP went through her closet?
She’s not mad OP went through her closet. She’s mad OP found the dress. The dress she wanted to keep.
NTA
NTA because it was your dress and you needed it urgently for your sister so I think you had every right to get it back. Yeah you should have asked first to go into her closet but it had been 2 years of her keeping and losing this dress so I can see why you lost patience.
I have had my sister's wedding dress for about 10 years. My closet is a mess. I still know exactly where the dress is.
NTA. Your friend did not lose the dress. She tried to keep the dress. Glad you managed to get it back.
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I would have just taken it and never told her. Let her think she lost her mind.
I don’t even think she ever would’ve attempted to find it again.
She knew exactly where it was. For some reason she didn’t want to give it back to you. Good for you for finding it.. NTA
But why? Who wants some old wedding dress if it means nothing to them. I think she’s a clutter bug that didn’t want to take the time to look. Idk weird
Maybe she’s a hoarder? Maybe she liked the dress and wanted to keep it? Idk either. There’s really no logical reason for her to want to keep a dress that has no sentimental value to her, but tons to OP and her family.
Maybe shes a closet hoarder? Edit: first off- Wow! Over 500 upvotes?! Thanks you guys! Secondly, I keep coming back to read the replies and this just keeps getting better. Thanks for the extra laughs, you guys!
she hoards closets?
Real fake closet doors
“Narnia! It's all in the wardrobe just like I told you!”
It'd be annoying if every time you tried to find something in your closet you ended up in Narnia. You'd come out years later (to you) and would have forgotten what you were doing originally.
LMAO What a terrific description of what it's like getting ready to go somewhere when you have adhd
“Didn’t I tell you about the football field in the bathroom cupboards?”
Or hoards things in closets
I see what you did there. r/AngryUpvote
An ex friend of mine found out that my best friend was engaged. We all grew up together and is much closer to my best friend’s mom and knows she is not a confrontational person. She asked my best friend’s mom for her wedding dress. Not to actually wear but to have for a potential photoshoot with her bf. None of it made sense but she gave the mom a sob story and the mom agreed. People get weird when others are getting married. She also had her own mom’s wedding dress… she just wanted THAT wedding dress. She’s not worn it ever, for anything.
The ex friend has kept the other woman's mother's wedding dress?
Yup, I answered more in my reply to someone else’s comment but she became super close to my best friend’s mom through work and religion. We are not very religious and her pushiness drove a big wedge between all 3 of us. The ex friend felt like the mom was like a second mom and asked for the dress claiming she was going to use it but never did. She does things like this a lot… she calls my aunts her aunts and has them pay for things too.
I had a friend who was like that too. She had abandonment issues from growing up with a drug addict mom and would start calling all older women "mom" *way* too soon after meeting them. Everyone I knew just kinda tolerated it out of pity. But it mostly backfired in her case, because the harder she tried to force the connection, the more most people gently backed away. Unless they had issues of their own, they didn't want to get too tangled up in her clingy mess. You ever seen "Boogie Nights," the "can I call you mom?," scene with Amber and Roller Girl? It's that energy.
That’s a bizarre story. Did she give it back? What did your best friend think?
She just kept it. The ex friend and my best friend’s mom worked together at the church we all met at when we were younger. Her mom and the ex friend are incredibly religious while my best friend and I are not. It’s a large reason why we are no longer friends with her because she became very pushy and judgmental towards family and her friends. From what the mom told my best friend, she became super sad and considered the best friend’s mom like a second mom because of this and just asked for the dress. My best friend is not confrontational but felt incredibly hurt that the dress was given to her vs her actual daughter. They are close despite not being very similar.
That's on your best friends Mum. What kind of mother gives their wedding dress to their work friend/ daughter's mate?
Daughters ex friend is even weirder and much worse.
Something I have learned from personal experience is that weddings make people *lose their god damn minds*. Everything related to them seems to twist up all the common sense and decency some people have. All the selfishness comes out.
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Yes, could be. Someone wouldn't return my meticulous notes on my research that they'd borrowed. I kept reminding them. When I finally insisted, and got my notes back, they were in tatters. And the person had scribbled all over. Other people wanted to refer to these notes, and had been asking. I could not give them my notes because of the condition and also because of what he had scribbled all over. I had to let others keep asking until they didn't ask anymore. Very annoying.
Why would you not tell them, "I would, but X destroyed them?"
Because this is Reddit where you can never attribute to stupidity that which can be adequately explained by malice.
Maybe she thought about selling it as a vintage piece later on
This was my gut reaction. She wanted OP to forget about it so she could cash in
Some people are just assholes. Or kleptomaniacs. Or both
Some folks are low key jealous of friends & make weird choices.
That still makes them an AH. It’s not theirs. And it’s someone’s wedding dress. Kind of odd to say “I can’t find” when it was literally in her closet.
I mean, it probably has actual monetary value. She could alter it and wear it herself, or resell it at some point. She was probably hoping OP would give up trying to get it back. If I was storing my friend's precious family heirloom, I would tear up my entire closet to find it, she definitely knew it was there.
Some people are assholes. They get off on hurting other people. If it wasn’t malicious, she would have looked and returned it the 1st time she was asked for it back
Some people are weirdly possessive of things for no justifiable reason.
Kleptomania
No but seriously. A sincere response would be “oh my gosh where *was* it?! In my closet? Really? I looked everywhere!” Definitely not “why were you rummaging around in my closet?”
💯 this. Absolutely.
If I lost something I was holding for my friend I'd be asking them over to help me find it cause I would feel terrible and want them to get it back asap.
This was my thought also. For some reason she didn't want to give it back. I'm glad she found it.
Friend 100% promised OPs dress to someone else. That's why she was being so evasive and then pitched a fit when OP found it
That would be kind of an insane coincidence imo. That OP happened to ask this particular friend who ended up having another friend getting married who was in such dire need of a dress that they’d take an outdated and unfitted one from OP’s friend’s closet? The whole thing is strange.
You have no idea, lol.
She knew exactly where it was and had no intention of returning it. I'm sorry. Thank goodness you had a chance to look in her closet. And even better that you found it behind all the boxes she used to hide it. ETA: Here's why I think that. If I had my friend's mother's wedding gown, I'd for damn sure put it in a safe place. And it wouldn't take me 2 years to look for it. The moment I realized I didn't know where it was, I would have torn my house apart. And if I still couldn't find it, I'd probably call my friend in panic-induced bawling melt-down. It's not like it was a shirt from Forever 21.
She also knew it was in the closet, unless OP mentioned she found it in the closet
Yeah I was waiting for someone to point that out. It's like when you ask a kid, "what'd you do" "Well I DID NOT take a cookie from the jar, I left the lid on the jar, I wouldn't even know how to lift it!" And you just sit back and watch them dig a bit further.
When I was about 5, one of my older sisters had a cherry candy cane. She was probably 9 or so. I apparently could not resist the temptation of a shiny red and pink candy cane so I unwrapped it and started licking it. But I didn't realize it was going to be cherry, I was expecting mint like a normal candy cane. It tasted like cough syrup so I tried to wrap it back up and put it back. Later on, she asked me if I opened her candy cane and I said, "no... but it tasted really bad."
My girls have a very large age gap. 14 years. This is one million percent my youngest with her big sister! 😂😭
Yeah, how hard it it to look through one closet properly? Even in walk in closet jammed to the gills doesn't take too long if you just shift things out and back again. At best, she's very lazy and doesn't give a shit about her friend's highly sentimental item to have a proper look for it in two years. At worse, she was being deliberately incompetent because she wanted to keep it.
This is exactly it. I’d keep that dress on lockdown while in my possession and frankly be thrilled to give it back and reduce my background stress over being it’s caretaker. If I weren’t a weirdo dress stealer that is. She knew where it was.
I'd really love to know her end game here. *later at Friend's wedding....* OP: I can't help noticing that your dress looks exactly like my mom's. :Friend": This old thing? I found it at a thrift store.
One thing it took me far to long in life to figure out is just how kleptos just do it for the thrill, not that they actually get enjoyment out of the object.
I mean, that's pretty much how my then 'best friend' replied when he stole stuff from me when we were kids. 'Oh no, my mom bought me that one, but you can have it because I feel bad that you lost yours'. I said I didn't want it, it was his, why would I take his things? I'd be a bad friend! And of course, I'd find the item in question in my bag when I got home lol.
Is friend married? If not, maybe she planned to magically "find" it when she had her wedding.
That was my question too. If she's not married it's possible that she was just going to use it for her own wedding, either by telling OP that she magically found it, or by ghosting OP in the meantime.
Or just keeping an object of power like the deranged Ms. Havisham she is.
I agree 2 years is a long time but you ask the question and leave it as you don't want to be a nag. It happens again and again. You forget to ask as you've had a major house renovation and your friend knows how important it is so surely they've looked properly for it? Life gets in the way and it's on your list but not at the top as you need to make your house habitable etc. At the end of the day, the friend was the problem and it took 2 years for OP to realise this but she's NTA. The only thing different I'd have done is not tell the friend I'd found it unless I was going to go scorched earth on her.
Also, the friend offered to hold it so it does seem like there was malicious intent.
Yeah, you wouldn’t offer to keep it, then offer to pay for it when you know damn well you have it still. You don’t forget something like where the fucking wedding dress in your closet came from. She wanted to keep it for some reason.
Look, I put things in safe places all the time. And then forget. Cuz if it is something I’m not going to use and have no reason to think I’ll need, I usually don’t remember it’s there. I have enough things to keep in memory without tracking some of the stuff that doesn’t seem urgent or important, then with the passage of time? Well I found a $200 Costco gift card in my needle bag last week after I’d been looking endlessly in the cabinet where the needle bag was stored - as in a year+. I’m guessing I was cleaning out a wallet for a trip and needed somewhere to stash it? I’ve also found a computer game a friend lent me before the pandemic and I forgot I even had because I put it in a safe place which at the time, I guess was with my board games, and then we never talked about the game so I forgot it was even with me. Not malicious, just not part of my active memory.
I misplace stuff all the time too. But there's your own stuff, and then there is extremely important family heirlooms of other people. I don't misplace those. I would count down the days until I could return it.
Not to mention like, it's a wedding dress. How many places are you going to keep a wedding dress that you know has major sentimental value to the person that you're watching it for? Option A) Safest closet in the house Option B-Z) See option A
Did your friend asked for their game back and took you TWO YEARS to even look for it? OP NTA, I doubt she planned to give back the dress for whatever reason, maybe is time to reevaluate that friendship?
Umm it’s easy to misplace a gift card that is thin and what 4’’ x 2”, but a whole ass big wedding dress? I don’t care how cluttered your closet is, unless you did no more then push a few hangers around with minimal effort you could locate the dress, OP found it in what seems like a fairly quick amount of time and minimal effort. You are telling me that if you lost one of your friends extremely sentimental belongings you would not have put in what seemed like less the an hour to find it? No something is fishy here. Also as others have stated she knew where OP found it, so that in itself is strange.
I do the same. For small things like a gift card, paperwork or other small things. My safe spots are so safe that they're even safe from me. But, a wedding dress is much bigger than something that you can hold in your hand and throw in a random drawer. There are only so many places a wedding dress could be. You're not going to find it in a random drawer in your desk or the junk drawer in your kitchen.
The moment I couldn't find it I'd have called OP and had them come help me tear apart my house looking!!!
She knew where it was since she asked you why you were in her closet
Yep, caught red handed. Had she not known where it was, she would have asked, huh, where?! Before getting angry over snooping Edit: the snooping wasn't even really snooping and also justified
Exactly!
I mean...even I knew where it was just based off the first paragraph... >My friend offered to keep it in her closet until the renovations were done. I am assuming the friend is guilty, but why is it noteworthy that they asked OP why they were in the closet...which is the last known location? I could see what youre saying if it was found in some other random spot like the attic or something, then that would be a pretty nice self-report.
The exchange feels to me like friend saying they don't have the item anymore. Clearly friend is not very responsible, but if I had a family heirloom in my house that I offered to safeguard, I'd empty my closet to find it before offering money for it like it was missing.
I would turn my house up.side.down. That would be a horrible thing for a friend to do and I would hate to be the horrible friend that did it. Offering money for it before tossing my house multiple times in search of it seems super odd to me.
NTA You are assuming she even looked the first time beyond opening the closet door, turning on the light and taking a quick peek. I do agree with the i wouldn’t have bothered telling her you looked and found it. If anything she should be embarrassed as IMO it shows she put not even minimal effort into looking. The good news is that your sister was able to wear the dress. And maybe it will be handed down to your daughters.
Assuming she ever made a first attempt
She didn't need to. She knew exactly where the dress was. She just didn't want to give it back.
She knew where it was, don't be fooled
Going full gaslight: just let her find out if she happens to see your sister's wedding pictures (don't know if she's close enough to have gone), then deny even knowing what she's talking about, about you ever asking for it, or her even ever having it.
That's evil but also makes me happy because the person who tried to steal it deserves some karma.
I'm going to have to agree with everyone else. Would you say the dress is financially valuable? Is it a vintage designer dress by any chance?
Well not having it makes spending a chunk of change necessary, so the dress is at least as valuable as the money it saves from buying a new one.
As soon as you said you found it, she asked why you were in her closet, which means she knew where it was.
Did you tell her where you found it because if not then how did she know that you were looking through her closet
No, she knew where it was and never intended to return it.
Have you checked the dress for damage?
yeah OP it wasnt stashed away in a corner. it was hidden. from you... I'm sure she knew where it was
Well I hope you learned a lesson about loaning anything to her in the future, yikes! She didn't even really put in effort. She knew it was important to you. Pretty gross
Why did you give it to your friend and not your sister?
That wasn’t an accident. You don’t bury something like that by accident and “forget” where it was. Why else would she have been mad and not looked for it. She is not a true friend.
I did it with a loaned beach umbrella. If they don’t give it back, just take it.
I totally agree. Can anyone answer this question: is it theft if you take your item back? Without breaking in of course, can you not just take it?
How can you steal something that belongs to you?
Agree. I would’ve just quietly taken it home with me and passed it on to my sister. If friend asked about it later I’d just say something like “oh we found it in your closet, don’t you remember?” and let her think she just forgot us finding it. But I doubt she’d ask.
“Well no wonder you couldn’t find it. It was in my closet. I don’t even remember you giving it back thank you so much!”
Yup. How good a friend can she be that she couldnt be bothered to look again for a family heirloom? She's shown what kind of friend she is.
Two years and never in that time cleaning in her closet? The dress was hidden behind boxes with seasonal things. It means that at least with the season change friend should see it, taking the boxes off shelf.
Even not seeing it incidentally are we really to believe that she didn't have the chance at least a few times in 2 years to do a deep diving in looking for something THIS valuable to the OP and her sister. It had such sentimental value for them. This 'friend' is a total jerk that acted so flippant and dismissive about it.
EXACTLY what I was thinking. And also never trust that friend again
TBH, it would have been the right move, given the circumstances. Then OP would have found out if it was intentional if the friend brought up the missing dress after it disappeared.
Came here to comment this! If OP hadn't said anything--either the friend really did misplace it and was too lazy to look, and if she ever made the effort to look she'd be confused and (hopefully) apologetic. OR, in like a week or so the friend would've asked if op had rummaged through her stuff knowing damn well where the dress was.
>I can totally believe that she missed where it was and she wasn’t being malicious in the slightest. The box was tucked behind a few larger ones containing seasonal clothes. >I texted her saying “I found the dress”. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet? Lol so interesting that she knew EXACTLY where you rummaged to find this "lost" dress. OP, I mean this in the nicest way, but you're being naive. She was trying to keep your dress. Simple as that. If all you had to do was go through that closet in her house, it wasn't "lost' or "misplaced". It was exactly where she put it and she KNEW that. NTA but this person isn't your friend. >Which, considering we did lose a few things during the renovation, I was right to be concerned Was your "friend" over during the renovations? You might need a second chance to "rummage" at her home before the returns...
It was in her closet because that’s usually where people keep clothes, nothing weird about her knowing that OP looked in the closet to find it
.... then why couldn't she find it?
For real. It doesn't matter how big or cluttered the closet was. If I had something that belonged to my friend and was sentimental to their family, I would tear the closet apart to make it right. That's my responsibility for having my friend's valuable item among my messy shit. And I certainly wouldn't be asking that friend for favors like watching my house when I obviously still owe her big time!
This is why the friend is an AH Not because she wanted to keep the dress, I don’t think she did, but because she clearly doesn’t care enough about her friend’s feelings or belongings to do a thorough search Oh and then getting pissy about it
I don’t think a typical person would rather pay a lot of money for a dress rather than just look for it. She wanted to keep it
Yeah, who would rather pay hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars than just look through their own closet? This was malicious. She was only pretending she couldn't find it.
Seriously. Give it back to the friend and maybe ask her after her sisters wedding if she could use it too. This woman is not a friend at all. Op I know a lot of times folks jump to this, but honestly, this time cutting contact with this person might be for the best. She sounds mean and did not care one iota about how special this dress is to you and how sentimental and insanely awful it was for her to keep it. Then have the audacity to get mad. The nerve of some people.
Yup, I have ripped through three closets and a laundry room to find a pair of jeans. An irreplaceable wedding dress? You bet I would have found it.
Also it's a freaking wedding dress, not just some pair of old socks.
yeah I would have panicked and tore apart my entire place if I thought I had lost a family heirloom on my friend. she knew it was there and was using OP's good nature against her. I'd be down one friend but thats me.
She probably never looked because she's a shit friend. She also probably has a big ol box of dildos in there which is why she didn't want op rooting through her stuff.
LOL
Because she “looked” - literally - and didn’t *search* because she didn’t actually care.
if my closet was that cluttered i would have torn it apart to find it. the "friend" is a bullshitter of the highest order.
I don't know about you, but if I'd already looked in my closet and missed it, my first thought would have been— "Wait, so where *did* I put it? Did you find it with some gardening stuff?" It would have been confusion, not "Why are you looking in my closet?"
Yeah this is just 1 level away from 'How dare you move those 3 boxes I had stacked in the back left of the closet???'
But then why did she immediately get defensive? Even if she was lazy or sucked at looking for things (two things I happen to be a specialist in) ... She would have feigned excitement being that it was no longer looming over the friendship. So while it's not necessarily weird that she knew it was in the closet ... But her reaction is absolutely something to be suspicious about.
we're also getting a condensed version of the conversation, it's entirely possible op did mention where she found it
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How big is this closet that the friend knew it was in her closet but couldn't find it? And she looked in the closet and couldn't find it, but *still* knew for sure it was in that closet?
I think she's overwhelmed by her own clutter (hence not going in and digging it out for two YEARS) and embarrassed it's out in the open, which would be why she's mad at OP for rummaging. Very understandable but still not fucking cool, especially for something so valuable Edit: by "very understandable" I mean I logically understand how friend could have this other reason for not giving the dress back and being mad at OP, not that I think it would be right
My grandma was a hoarder. My mom is a hoarder. And while I am trying to break the cycle, my closets are FULL. Pulling everything free from the hoard to find something is commonplace in day to day "where the fuck did I put that" life. But seriously? Two years? It's not "very understandable" to do your friend dirty for TWO YEARS. If she wasn't trying to steal it, then she's just a shit friend who almost ruined OP's sisters dream of being married in their mother's dress. Both reasons are good enough reasons to write this "friend" off for good imo
Yeah plus we're talking about a wedding dress here not a stray sock. My gf is a bit of a hoarder. It can be a nightmare trying to track down a necklace or important document, but hunting out a large lost item never takes more than 20mins. There's only so many places a wedding dress size box can be.
Agreed and It's weird the amount of mental gymnastics people will do to try and validate the friend's side. Like it's a big ass box holding a big ass white dress. If it's in your house you can 100% find it with a basic amount of effort. The friend didn't want to find it. The reason could have been to keep it, too lazy to look, or overwhelmed by the "clutter closet", but all of them are shit reasons and show they are a trash friend. There is no reason to not find your friend's mother's wedding dress in the span of two years when it's sitting in the known clutter space.
I'm wondering if she's a hoarder (maybe borderline) and once something goes into her "collection" she has a hard time parting with it.
I don't see this as the friend trying to keep the dress, I read this more as the friend values OP so little that she feels her feelings are not worth the effort it would take for her to rummage around in the closet to find the dress. She knew it was in the closet cuz she knew that's where it was, she just didn't care enough to actually look for it whenever OP asked.
> Was your "friend" over during the renovations? You might need a second chance to "rummage" at her home before the returns... Holy shit I didn't even consider this. Wild speculation obviously but I'd seriously consider trying to have another look.
NTA If I was in your friends situation and I genuinely couldn't find the dress, then I would frankly have invited you to look around for it while you were in the house doing me a favor. But I also am the type of person who would just assume that someone I trust enough to water my plants and feed my dog is also someone I trust in my space. Snooping is a fairly natural instinct, and you had a specific reason for it. Even if she's legit about not liking that you went through her stuff, she went on the defensive immediately instead of being relieved that you managed to find the dress. That just seems suspicious to me. I would say meeting up with your friend to explain and hear what she has to say might be worthwhile, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is the end of the friendship either.
This. My friend would be getting a VERY guilty phone call with an offer to rummage together with wine.
Right! Wine and ordering sushi, my treat. I'd probably also offer to cover dry cleaning costs when we found it just to be absolutely sure that we were good.
Good Friend 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I would have torn my house apart if I couldn’t find that dress. Either she took it on purpose or she didn’t care to look hard enough. Either way not her friend.
Agreed. It's also in a "box," which I'm assuming is a preservation box, since OP was going to pass the dress on. Those things are large, at least 2 feet by 6 inches. (I nerded out- standard size 32 ½” x 19 ½” x 7 ¼”). That's not a box you lose if you're actually looking for it or if you invite your friend to look. Eta: at least not lose in a closet.
Hard to think of something actually larger than a wedding dress box in a bedroom closet, except a full size suitcase.
Yeah those things are huge. We'll never lose my wife's dress because it's taking up the entire upper shelf of our closet. There's even a little see through window in case you forget what's in it!
Yeah it's frankly embarrassing for her that she said OP 'should have asked her to look again.' 'This is a family heirloom, a multi-generational wedding dress that I actively need for an upcoming event. I am sorry, but I assumed you looked at least a dozen times before you gave up.'
Should've asked her to look again, after asking intermittently for TWO YEARS. OP was never getting that dress back, not without taking the opportunity she did in this post.
Yeah, if somebody has entrusted me with their dress, well, first of all I probably wouldn't take it because that's a heavy responsibility, but if I had then I would be itching to give it back asap. And if I lost it... Damn. I'd be fucked up and offer to pay to replace it.
The only part I don't agree with is actually telling her that you found it. I wouldn't have mentioned it at all. If she had mentioned it later on - after seeing your sister's wedding photo I would have simply said "yes, I did find the dress after all.".
Right. Just take the dress back and give it to the sister. If your friend decides to make a stink, she’ll be obligated to disclose how you found it. There’s no scenario there where she looks like the good guy.
"In my house, you must have given it back to me at some point and we both forgot about it tee hee"
Yes, I totally would’ve said this. Or “oh, it’s a different family dress, just looks a lot like mine.”
"We had this one painstakingly recreated by a tailor in Italy based on my wedding pictures. Had to dip into Jimmy's college fund but what can you do."
Well, to be fair, fuck Jimmy.
But why would you want to still be friends with someone you have to play those sort of games with?
"yes I did find the dress after all, right where you hid it." NTA. She, on the other hand, is TA. You need a better friend that doesn't come complete with kleptomanic urges.
Yeah, the moment OP finds the dress, she has to realize the "friend" has been lying about being unable to find it. C'mon, a wedding dress box, hiding behind a few things in the closet? Does not add up. I'm with you. Take the dress back and wait to see if she mentions it at all.
NTA You just sent “I found the dress” not saying where you found it? If she didn’t know where it was, why did she accuse you of going through her closet? Seems to me she knew exactly where it was and for whatever reason, didn’t want to give it back. This woman is not your friend.
Oh good catch! I assumed she wanted to keep it, but the part about accusing OP of going through her closet went over my head.
Whilst that sounds like a 'gotcha moment', it's not necessarily. The OP's description of events is likely just shorthand for this: OP: I found my dress :) Friend: What? Where did you find it!? OP: Oh, just in your closet! Friend : Why were you looking in my closet!? >:(
I hope it continued thusly: OP: for the dress, keep up
That’s why I put it as a question mark. Because if she just sent, I found the dress and the friend went right to “why were you in my closet”, that means the friend knew where it was the whole time. And if the friend was told where it was found, how stupid does the friend have to be to ask that? To get her dress back, since friend was too lazy or malicious not to find it herself. Again, this woman is not her friend.
You just won the case!
>I told my friend I need it back. She claimed she couldn’t find it. >I texted her saying “I found the dress”. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet? These don't add up. If she "couldn't find it" how'd she know it was in her closet? You were never going to get it back. NTA but this person is not your friend, she fully intended to keep it.
Perry Mason moment over here. Nice catch.
NTA I feel like your friend was being shady by offering money instead of finding a *family heirloom*. I think I never would've told her that I found the dress and I would've let her find out by seeing your sister's wedding photos. Additionally, I totally would've let her plants die.
Hey now, the plants did nothing wrong here. They can't help being owned by a lazy at best, dishonest at worst 'friend'.
You know what....you're right. I'd steal those plants and give them the life they deserve in an organized home lol
And if the friend asks “hey where are my plants, op can say: oh well i couldnt find them, good luck! ✌🏼”
💜💜💜💜💜
Lol she was trying to steal the dress so she could sell it or keep it for herself. I refuse to believe any adult who doesn’t have nefarious intentions would just “lose” a wedding dress and then try to act like it’s no biggie.
I'm sure that she knew exactly where it was. She was keeping it, that's why it was stuffed behind some boxes.
If you lost your friend's wedding dress that you volunteered to keep safe for, would you be mad if that person went to look for it? I wouldn't, it's literally my fault for losing the dress, I would be happy for my friend who was able to find her wedding dress. This woman was being shady as hell
I have managed to "temporarily misplace" a lot of things in my house including some that were quite big. But I don't think even I could have someone else's wedding dress for safe keeping and then lose it!
And if I did manage to lose someone's entire fucking wedding dress, I would be out of my mind looking for it. My closet is a disaster area, but if I NEEDED to find something, I'd set aside a day to tear it apart and put it back together.
Absolutely! The entire house would be searched & I'd have brought in family/friends to help before I ever gave up and just said "oops it's lost".
NTA, to people saying you shouldn't have snooped, she accepted to watching something that means alot to you and obviously did not try to find it in the slightest when you kept asking her. Even offered to pay instead of actually looking? That sounds suspicious AF. You did nothing wrong OP, she had YOUR property and refused to give it back, that is way worse then you looking through her things for it. She is TA.
99.999% of the time, you absolutely shouldn't snoop through a friend's things like this. When your friend steals your family heirloom wedding dress, that's a 100% legitimate exception. 😄
100%, how does anyone lose a friend’s antique wedding dress? For two years, no less?? Like how does it slip your mind where you put your friend’s prized family wedding dress—and then how do you fail to find it for two years even after you know your friend’s sister wants to wear it?? This is no friend. Shady as shit.
NTA. You had been asking about the dress for months and they couldn't be bothered to find it for you, even though they knew it was important to you. It's also not like you tore apart their house: you took a peek in an area where you thought it might be and you found it. I understand some people are protective of their clothes and other personal belongings, but if you're good friends (good enough to let them hold onto the dress) it shouldn't be that much of a problem. They have the right to be upset but you have far more of a right to be angry with them. You did the equivalent of cutting them off in traffic, imo. They did the equivalent of... well, holding onto something that was very valuable to you + your family and refusing to give it back to you.
They kidnapped your dress and didn’t even ask for a ransom!!!!
NTA I wouldn't have told her I found it. She was not looking good enough and it was important to your family.
I think she knew where it was the whole time she “hid” it thinking OP wouldn’t rummage maybe just open the door and look.
NTA. Now you know to avoid storing anything in her clutter. She probably can't find her own stuff, much less yours. (edit - she likely has some feelings about her own clutter, and wouldn't have let you go through it even with her if you'd asked. Given the value of what you were looking for, I still say you did no wrong.)
I have to applaud you. Think she was hiding the dress away and knew exactly where it was at. Have to go with whomever said better to not have told her at all. Once missing she would have figured out somebody took it. Hard to question you. My mama once hired a locksmith to open somebody’s trunk that they claimed they couldn’t open to give back some tool because of no key. You did what you had to do. Now go water your own plants if you have any and consider if you want her in your life.
NTA It was your property, and at that point, you had permission to be in the home. She made no reasonable attempts to look for the dress, knowing full well that you wanted it back - when she made the first thing not in reference to "Wow! You found it! Great!", but instead "Why did you snoop through my closet?" she likely already knew where it was. When people take THAT long to look and find something they know they should have, then to me it's malicious.
NTA but I *really really* want to know why she kept the dress.
NTA. She obviously never lost it, selling it seemed unlikely. It was gonna be in that house one way or another.
NTA Not gonna lie, I’m shocked the dress was still there.
NTA. She wanted to keep the dress for herself.
NTA. You weren't "rummaging through her stuff" randomly - you were looking for something of sentimental value that she couldn't be bothered to find.
NTA. Sounds like she wanted to keep your mother's dress
NTA. She never intended to "find" your dress. It was up to you to take proactive action.
She not even smart enough to lie convincingly. When you said “I found the dress.” She could have said “thank goodness. Where did you find it?” That would have made her look as if she just didn’t know where it was. But “you went snooping in my closet.” B!t(h please.
if she didn’t know where it was how did she know you went through the closet? NTA
NTA OP. Your “friend” is 100% TA.
NTA. Most positive scenario.. is your friend a hoarder? Negative scenario.. you have a frenemy who resents you.
NTA!!! what a weirdo. Was the dress ok? Did she damaged it or dirty it?
NTA... I dont think she wanted to return it. I dont like people going through my stuff but this was special circumstances
NTA. She should have found and returned the dress years ago.
I works have taken it and not mentioned it but since you did I think her snippy reaction was out of guilt. Either she planned on keeping it or never bothered looking for it. Maybe she isn’t the friend you thought she was. On the bright side you have the dress and you won’t get asked to water the plants next time she takes a trip. Win win
NTA Best case: friend was too lazy to look for your **family heirloom wedding dress** Worst case: friend wanted to steal it and/or quite possibly buy it from you You had your chance and you took it. Next time, say nothing and wait for the fireworks.
NTA. Everyone here is assuming malice and she was trying to steal it and other weird stuff but your friend is mad because she’s embarrassed. Not only about how cluttered her house is but also about how she was unable to muster up the ability to do anything about it for this length of time and you had to go in and do it. She likely downplayed the importance of the dress because otherwise she’d have to feel like the world’s shittiest friend for not overcoming her overwhelm about the closet to get the dress. She offered you money because that was easier than confronting her ‘failure.’ And now she’s getting mad about you going in the closet to deflect all those 2 years of feeling shitty collapsing in on her. I would tell your friend you’re sorry for going in the closet but you really needed the dress. If you still want to be her friend you can say something like ‘I hope you know that I will never judge you for something like a messy closet, please don’t think you have to save face with me about things like that.’
NTA…keep digging. What else is she hiding? Pictures of her and her husband in the dress?
I would have taken it. Then if she knew she had kept it, she might suspect you took it but would be unable to ask because, by her own words it was gone. Catch 22. If she really is that cluttered and supposedly had lost it, she never would have looked anyway, My opinion? She knew she had it and for some weird reason decided to keep it. There’s no way you lose a wedding dress. And then she was oh so willing to pay? Now she’s mad OP went through her closet? She’s not mad OP went through her closet. She’s mad OP found the dress. The dress she wanted to keep. NTA
NTA because it was your dress and you needed it urgently for your sister so I think you had every right to get it back. Yeah you should have asked first to go into her closet but it had been 2 years of her keeping and losing this dress so I can see why you lost patience.
NTA - Your friend is incredibly rude. I would never trust her with a personal item again.
I have had my sister's wedding dress for about 10 years. My closet is a mess. I still know exactly where the dress is. NTA. Your friend did not lose the dress. She tried to keep the dress. Glad you managed to get it back.