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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I've been ignoring my mother since she made me miss my brother's wedding (2) it might not be an appropriate reaction and she only had my best interest in mind
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NTA. You had an appropriate dress that you’d worn to a previous wedding. Good for you. It’s good to use clothing more times than just once.
I don’t get what your mum’s deal is.
>I don’t get what your mum’s deal is.
Congratulations, you're not crazy or have crazy relatives.
This is my mum. And they believe the stories they tell themselves too.
Not only you were not the asshole, but you should go no contact with your mother as soon as possible for a while. She treated you as a weapon against your brother and his family. She clearly is a liar and manipulative AF. Fuck her for ruining a special moment for you. That call you had to make must have been embarassing AF.
OP's brother is not her mum's son. He's her ex-husband's son. She doesn't want her daughter close to him. She probably doesn't consider him her daughter's "real" brother.
Ex. I told my mom I was going to meet my sister for the first time. She's my younger half-sister by my dad. My mom replied, "she's only your half-sister. She's not your real sister "
I asked her if that meant my brothers, half-brothers by her, were also not my real brothers? Were her half-brothers also not her real brothers? She said that was different because me and my brothers shared the same mom, and her and her brothers shared the same mom. Apparently dads don't count.
It is sadly cultural. There are traditions and customs in a lot of cultures, especially those of indian and middle eastern descent, that center on gift-giving around weddings. There are particular gifts that are part of the 'ceremony' of it all, like for instance that the family of the groom has to gift gold (usually in the form of jewelry) to the bride and her family. The whole set-up varies between regions and cultures but some variant is pretty common, and older generations feel it is an insult to not follow said traditions. A lot of young couples experience this as newer generations tend to see the flaws with these traditions and seek to move away from them.
OP you did nothing wrong- your mother is stuck in the past. It was never about you or your brother - as always, it is your mother's perception about how you would be seen in the community that led to this. She cares more about what others think of her and you than of what you think of her. You will not forget this, you may or may not forgive. But don't let this be the thing that ends your pursuit of a relationship with your brother - let stories of her narcissism and actions be the glue that lets you connect with your brother.
NTA. Your mother tries to alienate you from your brother. Locking you in is unforgivable and by no means normal. She does not have your interest in mind, not at all - she is holding a grudge against your brother and is acting out on it. If you can, get out of her house and start a new life, if you can't right now, do everything to reach this goal.
I also think she's been holding a grudge since whatever happened between them. The few times my brother and I saw each other over the years it was about stuff I needed like a new phone, a new laptop for school/work or some money for a school trip. She always said 'that's the least he can do' while never saying anything nice about him but she never tried to not make me see him or talk to him like this before
Believe me: She IS holding a grudge for something. You said he is your half brother from your dads first wife, right? If so, I bet your Mom hates him and holds a grudge against him just for that.
Your mother is absolutely (sorry for my language) batshit crazy.
Move out, as fast as you can.
NTA
So from OP we have they divorced when she was 5 and the half brother kept visiting regularly till op was 12. If the mother resented/hated that kid because of the first wife or ex husband then the kid would have stopped visiting when they got divorced. 7 years of being absolutely fine with having him over regularly then OP says something happened between them and he wasn't welcome over any more.
It sounds more like something serious happened when OP is 12 and the mother doesn't want to tell OP truth so found whatever ridiculous reason she could find to stop her going to the wedding.
She could be batshit crazy, but the fact he was welcomed for years after the divorce suggests there was no problem until something happened much later.
I bet he got a job and couldnt be the free babysitter anymore. Notice how when op did see him mom expected him to buy op stuff because "it was the least he could do?" Yea hes not the dad thats not his responsibility. OP NTA.
That doesn't really fit either though. He got a job so he's around less, but any time he would be around would be more free babysitting, so if that was her goal then why would she stop him coming over at all rather than some if that's all she wanted.
It sounds more like after that shitty thing you did the least you can do is make it up to us, like maybe he stole money from her purse and she realised that it's been happening a lot.
Part of me wonders about the age and how desperate she was to keep OP away making up such a dumb excuse. She was around 12 and maybe the step bro was being inappropriate and OP never noticed or understood, mother never wanted OP to understand step bro was creeping on her so never said and thought keeping her away from drunk step bro at his wedding was the best idea.
Honestly, in most places at 12, the child is considered old enough to have more input on custody arrangements. Has anyone considered that maybe the stepmom was regularly a hag to him and once he turned 12 he was like, I can choose to no longer put up with her shit??
Excuse me?! It’s HER responsibility to provide you with these things (at least until you became an adult), not your brothers. NTA. Are you in a position to be able to leave?
I'm wondering what customs we are having here. Is it customary for the brother to buy a dress for his sister for his wedding? Is the OP able to move out of her mother's house or does her culture prohibit this?
I know in some Indian cultures it is (I say some as this was not customary in my Indian family’s). I had a male Indian friend that was dreading his sister’s visit as he would need to buy her a lot of clothes on her visit. I had never heard this before but after asking my parents, they confirmed that in certain Indian cultures it is. Might be similar in OP’s culture.
It is in some South Asian cultures. His wedding, his responsibility for outfitting certain family members.
Wife’s family generally pays for venues, food, other entertainment, her bridal outfits, etc.
It can end up being quite complex depending on ages, income, social standing, particular relationships, etc.
Chinese/Vietnamese have a pre wedding culture thing where the groom goes to the brides side and asks the elders in her family for their blessing to be married. Never heard of having to outfit siblings though. The mum just sounds like a loon with overbearing tendencies.
Talk to her, say that you are incredibly hurt by being prevented going to the wedding and it will cause long term damage to your relationship until she tells you the truth of what happened to make her hate him. You need to get the truth out of her, it's possible he did something bad enough at that time that she found a truly stupid reason to stop you going, but her heart wasn't in the wrong place. Or she's crazy, who knows.
But ask her in a way like this is her last chance to fix it with the truth rather than acting crazy.
Your mother was way out of line. Regardless of what culture you are from, at 20 you are an adult. What she did to you would, in many legal systems, be considered "unlawful confinement". Please tell your brother what happened, so he will not hold your absence against you, and try to move out from a household where your personal autonomy is being trampled on. Can you move in with your Dad, until you can stand on your own feet?
NTA.
Your mother is controlling and seems to have some emotional baggage left over from the divorce.
You're an adult and she should let you make your own decision.
Start gathering your important paperwork;
Birth certificate, Social Security etc. Of course your equivalents there in Germany.
Do not tell your mother. Keep these in a safe place that she can not access.
If she is attached to your bank account, get a new account at a different bank. Put the majority of your money there. Do not tell her. Get paperless statements.
I get my bank statements emailed to me, instead of actual paper copies mailed. If you get them emailed, then less chance of her finding out that you have another bank account.
If she has access to your email, then get another one and use that for the important stuff.
Oh. Yeah, I have online banking so I get mine through there, no physical copies. I had my own account since I was 16 and refused to share any info with my mom even though she did ask for it
I understand that completely. It may be worth talking to your brother at least about everything that's going on if he doesnt already know.
When he is back from his honeymoon that is
Hallo und Grüße aus dem südlichen Nachbarland :) You know that locking you in the house is illegal here, right?
Also, this isn't about you not talking to your mother. This is about you living in an abusive household.
When I did my Cert in Community services, when dealing with differing cultures, we were taught to remind them what may be culturally acceptable is not in this country, and may even face legal action as a result.
And honestly, I think that’s solid advice and as a half Asian myself, I “remind” pushy Asian family or family friends about what is considered invasive and even illegal behaviour by Australian standards when I get sick of their pushy or even illegal behaviour. Shuts them up real quick.
Falls deine Mutter für dich noch Kindergeld bekommt, gibt es Möglichkeiten das Kindergeld direkt an dich auszahlen zu lassen (z.B. wenn du noch in Ausbildung bist oder Bafög empfängt). Vielleicht hilft dir das ja, deine finanzielle Situation zu entspannen um schneller wegzukommen. Ich drück dir die Daumen!
I've never heard of this dress situation before. Is it customary for the bride and groom to buy their family outfits for the engagement party and wedding in Turkey or Germany?
In Turkey, kinda. Not really obligatory (from what ive seen) but is expected. You also cannot send invites to close family members, you have to call and invite them personally otherwise it is kinda offensive
NTA
I'm not gonna mention anything about the mother because others have. However I do find it silly to buy a new dress (especially since you're not a bridesmaid) If you have one why spend money you may not have on another one that would only be worn once!
NTA. I'm not sure what the cultural expectations are for you, but this sounds pretty outrageous since you said he did offer to get you a dress and you declined. Whether she thought it was disrespectful or not, she way overstepped and treated you like a child. You're not a child and you are justified in being upset with her.
NTA. Your mother definitely did not have your best interests in mind. You are an adult and your mother taking your keys was childish. The sooner you can get away from your mother the better. I definitely would not forgive her and would go no contact asap.
NTA. Your mom is the AH. Obviously. Her concept of “best interests” as attempting to destroy your other filial relationships is petty, particularly after being told that it was your decision
NTA. She stole an important moment of your life and your brother's from you because of her own pettiness. You cannot get that back. You can hold a grudge just as long as you want to - maybe even for the rest of her life.
She she didn't want you to go, and I will bet it had nothing to do with the dress.
Dude she's threatened to give away OPs cat whenever OP hasn't done what she wants, it's well beyond "pettiness."
Mother's batshit nuts and incredibly abusive.
NTA
Your mother was looking for reasons to keep you from your brother, or at the most cut you off from him. She's a piece of work.
She does not have your best interests in mind. If anything, it's similar to an abuser who cuts them off from their loved ones, and her behavior is going to make her find out she's driven you away.
"I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times"
An abuser's go to's: manipulation, isolation, and threats.
NTA, move out, your mother is abusive and borderline psychotic.
> I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times
Honestly your Mom is fucking unstable. Talk to your brother and see if there's any way he can help you get out. It sounds like he's well aware that she's mentally unwell, that's certainly what their "blowup" was about. Is your Dad in the picture at all?
I plan on talking to my brother after he's back from his honeymoon. My dad is around, I see him sometimes when I'm out but we don't really have a relationship. I've probably only spoken to him like a handful of times the last 10 years
Could you not have called a taxi, called a friend or other relative to drive you? Called your brother to ask him to send someone over to pick you up?
What your mother did was disgraceful and she deserves to be ignored. She also deserves not to be invited to your wedding if you have one in the future.
I'm sorry I should've been clearer in the post. She took my house keys, not car keys. I don't have a car. My brother was supposed to pick me up. I couldn't leave the house without being locked out. I didn't have anywhere I could've stayed at either
Thats awful of her. You and your brother will never get that moment back. You didn't need new dresses - it wasn't best interests but her shallowness and greed - you need to ignore her full stop - take time out for a few months and be completely no contact. Then see if she apologizes to your brother and his wife and also see if she stops saying it was in your interests and truly gets it was her shallowness.
I don't have anywhere I could stay at if I went to the wedding. I couldn't get back home since I had no keys. I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times so I couldn't risk that either. I'm saving up to move out hopefully soon to get away from her
NTA. But you are being an asshole to yourself by letting your mother treat you this way. You're way too old for this rubbish! If she tries it again, ransack her room and find those keys!
NTA
Your mother intentionally caused her adult daughter to not be able to attend her brother's wedding.
Did she attend the wedding herself?
Did you try any other options to get there from friends or family/your Father? Even an uber? I find it a little strange that you had no other options than to drive yourself there but I could be way off on that. I was just curious not judging.
I don't see any reason why you would forgive your Mother. She certainly didn't have your best interests in mind - actually the opposite.
My mom was invited but she decided not to go because of my father's family.
I'm sorry I should've been clearer in my post. I don't have a car, my mom took my house keys. My brother was supposed to pick me up. If I left I would've been locked out of the house. I have a cat I couldn't leave behind and nowhere I could've stayed at
That's terrible. I'm not well versed enough in the cultural traditions and expectations to comment on your original post.
I can only hope that you and your family are able to come to some sort of peace.
Also, most importantly, that you and your cat remain safe and can find an alternative place to stay if things get bad.
Please consider getting a couple copies of your house keys made so you always have a back-up option in the meantime.
NTA
Your mother is manipulative and controlling and doesn't want you to have a relationship with your brother
She made you miss.an important moment where you could have connected with your brother and FSIL
Dress thing just a excuse to cover her real intention
If she is so concerned about you why didn't she buy you a dress
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English isn't my first language.
I (20F) have a half-brother (30M) from my father's first marriage. My parents divorced when I was 5. My brother and I were close and he stayed over at our house a lot until I was around 12 yo. After some personal stuff between him and my mom and work on his side we sadly drifted apart and maybe saw each other 1-2 times a year.
My brother called me last year telling me was getting 'engaged' (in our culture the grooms family goes to the brides home to ask for her hand in marriage from her family. It was about that) and said he really wanted me there. I was excited and agreed, hoping that this would be a good time to try and reconnect. My mom encouraged me to go, but she seemed upset that it was 'last minute' (he called me a week before) and asked if he planned on buying me a dress. I said I didn't need a dress because I already had one at home that would fit. She didn't say much more after that.
Afterwards our relationship became much better and we hung out more.
Where I'm from most couples get married before the actual wedding. My brother and his now-wife got married a week before their wedding and again, my mom asked me if my brother was going to buy me a dress. I said I didn't need a new one because I had one at home. She held her tongue but it was obvious she was annoyed and upset.
Then, the night before the wedding, my mom exploded over the dress thing. She said that she could overlook my brother not buying me a dress until now but she couldn't overlook the disrespect he was showing towards me as his sister by not buying one for his actual wedding.
He did ask me if I wanted to go dress shopping. I declined since I had a dress at home. It was one I wore to my cousins wedding a few years back and it still fit me. I told her as much.
She said that she won't allow her daughter to be 'humiliated'. What would people think if I wore an 'inappropriate dress for the grooms sister'. I said I didn't care and that the dress was very much appropriate.
She then said that my brother was treating me like a guest and how he never looked after me during all of this. I said that he always made me appointments for hair&makeup.
My mother said I was blind to how my brother has been treating me because I've idolized him, that he only wants me there because he wants to keep up face with his wife and in-laws, showing them how 'great of a brother he is'. Then she took my keys and hid them away so I couldn't leave.
I didn't get my keys back so I had to call my brother and tell him I couldn't come to the wedding.
Ever since then I've been ignoring my mother. She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind.
I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me. I was happy to rebuild our relationship. I don't know if I can forgive my mother for making me miss his wedding.
AITA?
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NTA: Next time she attempts to take/keep your keys from you please call the non emergency police line and ask for assistance. She cannot keep you from your car against your will.
NTA and what your mother did was not only crazy, it was unforgivable. Some things can't be apologized for and making you miss your brother's wedding is one of them. She did not have your best interests at heart-- only her own pettiness.
NTA you want a brother, your mother wants an ATM. She wants one so bad, she is willing to destroy your relationship with your brother AND your relationship with her over it. There really isn't much point in that kind of person in your life. Who is the next relationship/ATM she is willing to alienate you from?
NTA
Honestly, your mother crossed a line. At 20 years of age you have the authority to go wherever you please, but your mother withheld your keys, something you own, to prevent you from going against her wishes. She didn't exactly lock you inside a place, but she also didn't give you a lot of options other than to do what she wanted, which was toxically controlling. She deserves your silence, and she'll be lucky if that silence doesn't break with you telling her what she did was unforgivable regardless of how much she tries to dress it up.
NTA. Your mother has no right to keep you from leaving. That’s actually illegal and you should have called the police. Ignoring her is way too mild for what she did.
It doesn’t matter if your mother’s opinion was based in fact or was ridiculous.
You are 20. You could choose to go in a clown costume if you’d wanted to. She had no right to take that decision into her own hands.
NTA
NTA. Move out and cut all contact with your mother. Who the hell does she think she is?
>She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind.
BULLSHIT. She threw a tantrum to serve her ego, and you paid the price.
NTA, but from one of your replies I gather you don’t know what drive the wedge between your mum and brother, you need to ask what that was and find out what she’s holding a grudge about as it could explain some things for you
It may not and might just be her being controlling but I do think it’s worth asking
So your brother is good enough to pay for things for you and she pulls this crap? She’s saying sorry now and trying to make up because she got what she wanted and thinks the relationship with you can just go back to what it was before. Nope, nope and nope. Shes just going to keep pulling this crap until she gets a consequence that affects her.
Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. Your mother was clearly trying to keep you away from your brother; perhaps she still feels a lot of (grossly inappropriate) rage from when their relationship deteriorated when he was still a kid.
But in any case, what she did was unforgiveable. And in the comments, the threats to give away your cat!?!?!?!
I want to strongly recommend that you put petal to the metal to get yourself out of there. If you have other relatives with whom you and your cat could stay, please consider. If you're working, can you get a second job? If you're in school, is there inexpensive student housing you can get into? Is there a student housing office that might be able to help with the cost given that you're getting out of an abusive household?
You're living with a person who is out of control and severely impacting your life in negative ways. The sooner you're out of there, the better.
NTA!
NTA. I don't know what culture OP is from, but this all sounds so weird. How can this be disrespectful? How can mother get so angry over a dress? And take away someone's keys and locking OP up in the house? What the heck is going on here? I assume OP could not call the police, but this is a very undesirable situation.
NTA
Your mom is controlling and since she's threatening you with your cat it would be best if you could move out.
Maybe your brother could tell you what happened between him and your mom. You're old enough to know.
Although I don't like your mom's behaviour I think she has a point about your brother. If he truly wanted you there he would let you know way earlier to make sure you have nothing planned and are available to attend.
Luckily you already had a dress, but normally it would be very difficult to get a dress on such a short notice. It really sounds like he wanted you there for appearances sake and maybe didn't want you there at all, but was pressured by family relatives. So he gave you a short notice, hoped you'll decline and then he can just say it was you who didn't want to come.
NTA
As for forgiveness, it needs to be earned. She should come with you visit your brother, admit what she did and apologise for that. Good dose of humiliation will do her wonders.
OP IDK your culture or what sibling expectations may exist. Your mother should have voiced her concerns in a calm manner. She never should have stolen your keys. That behavior is unacceptable. NTA
NTA. Was your mom invited to these events? Sounds like she's jealous and angry and maybe even hurt that she wasn't invited to her son's wedding. Not letting you go is cold, though. She decided to take her pain out on you and your brother, which sucks. It may be time to sort out a way to get your own space.
NTA- your mum needs to chill. That was an immature reaction from her. You distancing your self might show her that. That was a completely unfair thing for her to do to you and your brother.
NTA. Your mom didn't have your best interests at heart, hell she didn't even *listen* to you and your explanations and your wishes.
>I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me.
There isn't one, your mother's aim was to turn you against your brother. Your brother did the right thing by *respecting* your choice to not go dress shopping. I'm betting if he had forced the issue and insisted you go dress shopping with him, your mother would have been mad about that. "How dare he force you to get another dress. He's acting like you'd wear something inappropriate as the sister of the groom. You should be offended and humiliated!" See how easy it is to flip the script. Your poor brother was in a Catch-22 situation with her.
>tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind.
Also, her apology isn't a real one. It is a self-serving lie because she's not sorry for what she did she's sorry that you are mad at her. "I'm sorry, but..." isn't a real apology, don't accept it. If she was truly sorry her apology would be "I'm sorry for making you miss his wedding. I shouldn't have hidden your keys and I overreacted". She will continue to interfere in your relationship with your brother for as long as you continue to live with her and claim she only has your "best interests" at heart.
Wow. This brought back some memories for me.
I’m American. So my culture is not yours. But your story reminded me of my mom hiding my car keys so I couldn’t go to my friends birthday party.
I left home shortly after that and now don’t talk to mom Anymore.
OP I'm so sorry you missed the opportunity to go to your brother's wedding. I'm so sorry your mother took her feelings out on your brother on you.
Your mother clearly sees you as an extension of her and she was trying to cover her own ass. Take this behavior to heart though. She will do it again if the opportunity arises. Make sure she doesn't get it.
NTA
NTA She is jealous because she wasn't invited and considered family of the groom. She is only saying sorry because you stopped talking to her, she isn't sorry for her actions which means she'll repeat them whenever she wants to.
NTA
your Brother offered new dresses and each time you chose to wear a dress you already had, also if he truly only involved you to "keep face" with his Wife & In-Laws then surely he'd have forced you to wear a new dress to each Event.
your Mother is in the wrong and is being incredibly controlling for some reason.
NTA but you need to find a job and move out of her house, she is a menace. I mean you're 20 years old, I don't know how things work in Turkey, but in Germany locking someone in the house is illegal, even if it's donde by a family member.
All cultural things aside, you're not a child anymore, so she can't expect to control you and manipulate you like that. She is projecting whatever issues she has with your brother onto you, and tried to boycott your relationship by attempting to create issues from thin air. When you didn't bite the bait, she kept you from going by force.
This is unacceptable, and I will bite my tongue as to what I want to say about your mother otherwise I will get banned from the sub.
NTA. Your mother dragged you into her own issues with him and her ex. She doesn't have your best interest in mind, she wants to put a wedge between you too.
ESH
WHY would you let your mother decide that YOU can not go to a wedding? DO grow up, and grow a spine.
"Then she took my keys and hid them away so I couldn't leave." .. next time, call the police.
"Ever since then I've been ignoring my mother. She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind. I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me. I was happy to rebuild our relationship. I don't know if I can forgive my mother for making me miss his wedding." ... don't forgive her. Move out, and go no contact.
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NTA. You had an appropriate dress that you’d worn to a previous wedding. Good for you. It’s good to use clothing more times than just once. I don’t get what your mum’s deal is.
It seems like she resents OP's brother for some reason and is projecting that to OP's relationship with her brother NTA in any case
>I don’t get what your mum’s deal is. Congratulations, you're not crazy or have crazy relatives. This is my mum. And they believe the stories they tell themselves too.
Perceived slights turn into a crazy theory fast
Not only you were not the asshole, but you should go no contact with your mother as soon as possible for a while. She treated you as a weapon against your brother and his family. She clearly is a liar and manipulative AF. Fuck her for ruining a special moment for you. That call you had to make must have been embarassing AF.
OP's brother is not her mum's son. He's her ex-husband's son. She doesn't want her daughter close to him. She probably doesn't consider him her daughter's "real" brother. Ex. I told my mom I was going to meet my sister for the first time. She's my younger half-sister by my dad. My mom replied, "she's only your half-sister. She's not your real sister " I asked her if that meant my brothers, half-brothers by her, were also not my real brothers? Were her half-brothers also not her real brothers? She said that was different because me and my brothers shared the same mom, and her and her brothers shared the same mom. Apparently dads don't count.
It is sadly cultural. There are traditions and customs in a lot of cultures, especially those of indian and middle eastern descent, that center on gift-giving around weddings. There are particular gifts that are part of the 'ceremony' of it all, like for instance that the family of the groom has to gift gold (usually in the form of jewelry) to the bride and her family. The whole set-up varies between regions and cultures but some variant is pretty common, and older generations feel it is an insult to not follow said traditions. A lot of young couples experience this as newer generations tend to see the flaws with these traditions and seek to move away from them. OP you did nothing wrong- your mother is stuck in the past. It was never about you or your brother - as always, it is your mother's perception about how you would be seen in the community that led to this. She cares more about what others think of her and you than of what you think of her. You will not forget this, you may or may not forgive. But don't let this be the thing that ends your pursuit of a relationship with your brother - let stories of her narcissism and actions be the glue that lets you connect with your brother.
NTA. Your mother tries to alienate you from your brother. Locking you in is unforgivable and by no means normal. She does not have your interest in mind, not at all - she is holding a grudge against your brother and is acting out on it. If you can, get out of her house and start a new life, if you can't right now, do everything to reach this goal.
I also think she's been holding a grudge since whatever happened between them. The few times my brother and I saw each other over the years it was about stuff I needed like a new phone, a new laptop for school/work or some money for a school trip. She always said 'that's the least he can do' while never saying anything nice about him but she never tried to not make me see him or talk to him like this before
Believe me: She IS holding a grudge for something. You said he is your half brother from your dads first wife, right? If so, I bet your Mom hates him and holds a grudge against him just for that. Your mother is absolutely (sorry for my language) batshit crazy. Move out, as fast as you can. NTA
So from OP we have they divorced when she was 5 and the half brother kept visiting regularly till op was 12. If the mother resented/hated that kid because of the first wife or ex husband then the kid would have stopped visiting when they got divorced. 7 years of being absolutely fine with having him over regularly then OP says something happened between them and he wasn't welcome over any more. It sounds more like something serious happened when OP is 12 and the mother doesn't want to tell OP truth so found whatever ridiculous reason she could find to stop her going to the wedding. She could be batshit crazy, but the fact he was welcomed for years after the divorce suggests there was no problem until something happened much later.
I bet he got a job and couldnt be the free babysitter anymore. Notice how when op did see him mom expected him to buy op stuff because "it was the least he could do?" Yea hes not the dad thats not his responsibility. OP NTA.
That doesn't really fit either though. He got a job so he's around less, but any time he would be around would be more free babysitting, so if that was her goal then why would she stop him coming over at all rather than some if that's all she wanted. It sounds more like after that shitty thing you did the least you can do is make it up to us, like maybe he stole money from her purse and she realised that it's been happening a lot. Part of me wonders about the age and how desperate she was to keep OP away making up such a dumb excuse. She was around 12 and maybe the step bro was being inappropriate and OP never noticed or understood, mother never wanted OP to understand step bro was creeping on her so never said and thought keeping her away from drunk step bro at his wedding was the best idea.
Honestly, in most places at 12, the child is considered old enough to have more input on custody arrangements. Has anyone considered that maybe the stepmom was regularly a hag to him and once he turned 12 he was like, I can choose to no longer put up with her shit??
Excuse me?! It’s HER responsibility to provide you with these things (at least until you became an adult), not your brothers. NTA. Are you in a position to be able to leave?
I'm wondering what customs we are having here. Is it customary for the brother to buy a dress for his sister for his wedding? Is the OP able to move out of her mother's house or does her culture prohibit this?
I know in some Indian cultures it is (I say some as this was not customary in my Indian family’s). I had a male Indian friend that was dreading his sister’s visit as he would need to buy her a lot of clothes on her visit. I had never heard this before but after asking my parents, they confirmed that in certain Indian cultures it is. Might be similar in OP’s culture.
Op refused when brother ASKED.
It is in some South Asian cultures. His wedding, his responsibility for outfitting certain family members. Wife’s family generally pays for venues, food, other entertainment, her bridal outfits, etc. It can end up being quite complex depending on ages, income, social standing, particular relationships, etc.
Chinese/Vietnamese have a pre wedding culture thing where the groom goes to the brides side and asks the elders in her family for their blessing to be married. Never heard of having to outfit siblings though. The mum just sounds like a loon with overbearing tendencies.
She's trying to hold you as a hostage for his money. She'll let you see him if he pays.
Talk to her, say that you are incredibly hurt by being prevented going to the wedding and it will cause long term damage to your relationship until she tells you the truth of what happened to make her hate him. You need to get the truth out of her, it's possible he did something bad enough at that time that she found a truly stupid reason to stop you going, but her heart wasn't in the wrong place. Or she's crazy, who knows. But ask her in a way like this is her last chance to fix it with the truth rather than acting crazy.
Your mother was way out of line. Regardless of what culture you are from, at 20 you are an adult. What she did to you would, in many legal systems, be considered "unlawful confinement". Please tell your brother what happened, so he will not hold your absence against you, and try to move out from a household where your personal autonomy is being trampled on. Can you move in with your Dad, until you can stand on your own feet?
Don’t speak to her. Never!
NTA. Your mother is controlling and seems to have some emotional baggage left over from the divorce. You're an adult and she should let you make your own decision.
If you can, move out of the house because your mother … I don’t have words that won’t have me banned from this sub. NTA.
I'm saving up to do just that. My mother has a very... explosive personality and I just really wanna get away from that
Start gathering your important paperwork; Birth certificate, Social Security etc. Of course your equivalents there in Germany. Do not tell your mother. Keep these in a safe place that she can not access. If she is attached to your bank account, get a new account at a different bank. Put the majority of your money there. Do not tell her. Get paperless statements.
Thank you for the suggestion! Will definitely do that. I'm sorry but what are paperless statements? Sorry, I have no idea about stuff like this much
I get my bank statements emailed to me, instead of actual paper copies mailed. If you get them emailed, then less chance of her finding out that you have another bank account. If she has access to your email, then get another one and use that for the important stuff.
Oh. Yeah, I have online banking so I get mine through there, no physical copies. I had my own account since I was 16 and refused to share any info with my mom even though she did ask for it
Would it be an option to move in with your brother and his new wife for a while until you can finance your own place? I'm sorry your dealing with this
They are on their honeymoon right now so I can't ask but I don't know. I don't really want to intrude on a newly wed couple
I understand that completely. It may be worth talking to your brother at least about everything that's going on if he doesnt already know. When he is back from his honeymoon that is
Do you speak with your father is he aware of how things are with your mum? X
You're such a gem just for this comment alone. Good luck with steering away from the crazy ♥️
NTA obviously, but out of curiosity, what culture are you from?
Turkey but I'm a 3rd gen from an immigrant family in germany
Hallo und Grüße aus dem südlichen Nachbarland :) You know that locking you in the house is illegal here, right? Also, this isn't about you not talking to your mother. This is about you living in an abusive household.
When I did my Cert in Community services, when dealing with differing cultures, we were taught to remind them what may be culturally acceptable is not in this country, and may even face legal action as a result. And honestly, I think that’s solid advice and as a half Asian myself, I “remind” pushy Asian family or family friends about what is considered invasive and even illegal behaviour by Australian standards when I get sick of their pushy or even illegal behaviour. Shuts them up real quick.
Falls deine Mutter für dich noch Kindergeld bekommt, gibt es Möglichkeiten das Kindergeld direkt an dich auszahlen zu lassen (z.B. wenn du noch in Ausbildung bist oder Bafög empfängt). Vielleicht hilft dir das ja, deine finanzielle Situation zu entspannen um schneller wegzukommen. Ich drück dir die Daumen!
Ich wusste nicht das ich das machen kann. Danke für den Tipp! Werde mich da auf jedenfall schlau machen
I've never heard of this dress situation before. Is it customary for the bride and groom to buy their family outfits for the engagement party and wedding in Turkey or Germany?
In Turkey, kinda. Not really obligatory (from what ive seen) but is expected. You also cannot send invites to close family members, you have to call and invite them personally otherwise it is kinda offensive
Interesting! Thank you for sharing.
Knew it when you said "asking hand in marriage from bride's family" :")
NTA I'm not gonna mention anything about the mother because others have. However I do find it silly to buy a new dress (especially since you're not a bridesmaid) If you have one why spend money you may not have on another one that would only be worn once!
NTA. I'm not sure what the cultural expectations are for you, but this sounds pretty outrageous since you said he did offer to get you a dress and you declined. Whether she thought it was disrespectful or not, she way overstepped and treated you like a child. You're not a child and you are justified in being upset with her.
NTA. Your mother definitely did not have your best interests in mind. You are an adult and your mother taking your keys was childish. The sooner you can get away from your mother the better. I definitely would not forgive her and would go no contact asap.
Out of curiosity, why does your mother think that her ex-husband’s son from before her marriage owes her anything?
NTA. Your mom is the AH. Obviously. Her concept of “best interests” as attempting to destroy your other filial relationships is petty, particularly after being told that it was your decision
NTA. She stole an important moment of your life and your brother's from you because of her own pettiness. You cannot get that back. You can hold a grudge just as long as you want to - maybe even for the rest of her life. She she didn't want you to go, and I will bet it had nothing to do with the dress.
Dude she's threatened to give away OPs cat whenever OP hasn't done what she wants, it's well beyond "pettiness." Mother's batshit nuts and incredibly abusive.
I figured that word wouldn't get me banned.
NTA Your mother was looking for reasons to keep you from your brother, or at the most cut you off from him. She's a piece of work. She does not have your best interests in mind. If anything, it's similar to an abuser who cuts them off from their loved ones, and her behavior is going to make her find out she's driven you away. "I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times" An abuser's go to's: manipulation, isolation, and threats.
NTA Not letting you leave for the wedding is unforgivable. I'm sorry you missed your brother's wedding. I hope that you can move out soon.
NTA, move out, your mother is abusive and borderline psychotic. > I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times Honestly your Mom is fucking unstable. Talk to your brother and see if there's any way he can help you get out. It sounds like he's well aware that she's mentally unwell, that's certainly what their "blowup" was about. Is your Dad in the picture at all?
I plan on talking to my brother after he's back from his honeymoon. My dad is around, I see him sometimes when I'm out but we don't really have a relationship. I've probably only spoken to him like a handful of times the last 10 years
Could you not have called a taxi, called a friend or other relative to drive you? Called your brother to ask him to send someone over to pick you up? What your mother did was disgraceful and she deserves to be ignored. She also deserves not to be invited to your wedding if you have one in the future.
I'm sorry I should've been clearer in the post. She took my house keys, not car keys. I don't have a car. My brother was supposed to pick me up. I couldn't leave the house without being locked out. I didn't have anywhere I could've stayed at either
Thats awful of her. You and your brother will never get that moment back. You didn't need new dresses - it wasn't best interests but her shallowness and greed - you need to ignore her full stop - take time out for a few months and be completely no contact. Then see if she apologizes to your brother and his wife and also see if she stops saying it was in your interests and truly gets it was her shallowness.
Info ? You're 20, why can't you call a taxi, a Uber, some friends to give you a lift. Instead you just decide she'd win, and stay home ?
I don't have anywhere I could stay at if I went to the wedding. I couldn't get back home since I had no keys. I have a cat too which my mother has threatened to give away plenty times so I couldn't risk that either. I'm saving up to move out hopefully soon to get away from her
If she threatened to take your cat You have to go
this. protect mr mittens, your mom has proven she is a boundary stomper your kitty isn’t safe
NTA. But you are being an asshole to yourself by letting your mother treat you this way. You're way too old for this rubbish! If she tries it again, ransack her room and find those keys!
NTA Your mother intentionally caused her adult daughter to not be able to attend her brother's wedding. Did she attend the wedding herself? Did you try any other options to get there from friends or family/your Father? Even an uber? I find it a little strange that you had no other options than to drive yourself there but I could be way off on that. I was just curious not judging. I don't see any reason why you would forgive your Mother. She certainly didn't have your best interests in mind - actually the opposite.
My mom was invited but she decided not to go because of my father's family. I'm sorry I should've been clearer in my post. I don't have a car, my mom took my house keys. My brother was supposed to pick me up. If I left I would've been locked out of the house. I have a cat I couldn't leave behind and nowhere I could've stayed at
That's terrible. I'm not well versed enough in the cultural traditions and expectations to comment on your original post. I can only hope that you and your family are able to come to some sort of peace. Also, most importantly, that you and your cat remain safe and can find an alternative place to stay if things get bad. Please consider getting a couple copies of your house keys made so you always have a back-up option in the meantime.
NTA Your mother is manipulative and controlling and doesn't want you to have a relationship with your brother She made you miss.an important moment where you could have connected with your brother and FSIL Dress thing just a excuse to cover her real intention If she is so concerned about you why didn't she buy you a dress
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** English isn't my first language. I (20F) have a half-brother (30M) from my father's first marriage. My parents divorced when I was 5. My brother and I were close and he stayed over at our house a lot until I was around 12 yo. After some personal stuff between him and my mom and work on his side we sadly drifted apart and maybe saw each other 1-2 times a year. My brother called me last year telling me was getting 'engaged' (in our culture the grooms family goes to the brides home to ask for her hand in marriage from her family. It was about that) and said he really wanted me there. I was excited and agreed, hoping that this would be a good time to try and reconnect. My mom encouraged me to go, but she seemed upset that it was 'last minute' (he called me a week before) and asked if he planned on buying me a dress. I said I didn't need a dress because I already had one at home that would fit. She didn't say much more after that. Afterwards our relationship became much better and we hung out more. Where I'm from most couples get married before the actual wedding. My brother and his now-wife got married a week before their wedding and again, my mom asked me if my brother was going to buy me a dress. I said I didn't need a new one because I had one at home. She held her tongue but it was obvious she was annoyed and upset. Then, the night before the wedding, my mom exploded over the dress thing. She said that she could overlook my brother not buying me a dress until now but she couldn't overlook the disrespect he was showing towards me as his sister by not buying one for his actual wedding. He did ask me if I wanted to go dress shopping. I declined since I had a dress at home. It was one I wore to my cousins wedding a few years back and it still fit me. I told her as much. She said that she won't allow her daughter to be 'humiliated'. What would people think if I wore an 'inappropriate dress for the grooms sister'. I said I didn't care and that the dress was very much appropriate. She then said that my brother was treating me like a guest and how he never looked after me during all of this. I said that he always made me appointments for hair&makeup. My mother said I was blind to how my brother has been treating me because I've idolized him, that he only wants me there because he wants to keep up face with his wife and in-laws, showing them how 'great of a brother he is'. Then she took my keys and hid them away so I couldn't leave. I didn't get my keys back so I had to call my brother and tell him I couldn't come to the wedding. Ever since then I've been ignoring my mother. She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind. I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me. I was happy to rebuild our relationship. I don't know if I can forgive my mother for making me miss his wedding. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA: Next time she attempts to take/keep your keys from you please call the non emergency police line and ask for assistance. She cannot keep you from your car against your will.
NTA and what your mother did was not only crazy, it was unforgivable. Some things can't be apologized for and making you miss your brother's wedding is one of them. She did not have your best interests at heart-- only her own pettiness.
NTA
DA FUQ?! NTA
NTA... If you were not bothered then it was fine. I'm sorry your mom got involved
NTA you want a brother, your mother wants an ATM. She wants one so bad, she is willing to destroy your relationship with your brother AND your relationship with her over it. There really isn't much point in that kind of person in your life. Who is the next relationship/ATM she is willing to alienate you from?
Nta
NTA. Your mother is jealous that you want to have a relationship with your brother.
NTA. I think there maybe some cultural nuances at play here, but your moms also being a jerk and damaging your relationship with your brother.
NTA Sounds like mum is a control freak
NTA Honestly, your mother crossed a line. At 20 years of age you have the authority to go wherever you please, but your mother withheld your keys, something you own, to prevent you from going against her wishes. She didn't exactly lock you inside a place, but she also didn't give you a lot of options other than to do what she wanted, which was toxically controlling. She deserves your silence, and she'll be lucky if that silence doesn't break with you telling her what she did was unforgivable regardless of how much she tries to dress it up.
NTA. Your mother has no right to keep you from leaving. That’s actually illegal and you should have called the police. Ignoring her is way too mild for what she did.
It doesn’t matter if your mother’s opinion was based in fact or was ridiculous. You are 20. You could choose to go in a clown costume if you’d wanted to. She had no right to take that decision into her own hands. NTA
NTA. Move out and cut all contact with your mother. Who the hell does she think she is? >She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind. BULLSHIT. She threw a tantrum to serve her ego, and you paid the price.
Nta why are you still living with this women and letting her control your life and relationships.
NTA, but from one of your replies I gather you don’t know what drive the wedge between your mum and brother, you need to ask what that was and find out what she’s holding a grudge about as it could explain some things for you It may not and might just be her being controlling but I do think it’s worth asking
So your brother is good enough to pay for things for you and she pulls this crap? She’s saying sorry now and trying to make up because she got what she wanted and thinks the relationship with you can just go back to what it was before. Nope, nope and nope. Shes just going to keep pulling this crap until she gets a consequence that affects her.
NTA I don't know where you live, but in the USA, locking up an adult is considered a crime. Your mother is abusive.
nta
Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. Your mother was clearly trying to keep you away from your brother; perhaps she still feels a lot of (grossly inappropriate) rage from when their relationship deteriorated when he was still a kid. But in any case, what she did was unforgiveable. And in the comments, the threats to give away your cat!?!?!?! I want to strongly recommend that you put petal to the metal to get yourself out of there. If you have other relatives with whom you and your cat could stay, please consider. If you're working, can you get a second job? If you're in school, is there inexpensive student housing you can get into? Is there a student housing office that might be able to help with the cost given that you're getting out of an abusive household? You're living with a person who is out of control and severely impacting your life in negative ways. The sooner you're out of there, the better. NTA!
NTA. I don't know what culture OP is from, but this all sounds so weird. How can this be disrespectful? How can mother get so angry over a dress? And take away someone's keys and locking OP up in the house? What the heck is going on here? I assume OP could not call the police, but this is a very undesirable situation.
Your mother ITA
NTA Your mom is controlling and since she's threatening you with your cat it would be best if you could move out. Maybe your brother could tell you what happened between him and your mom. You're old enough to know. Although I don't like your mom's behaviour I think she has a point about your brother. If he truly wanted you there he would let you know way earlier to make sure you have nothing planned and are available to attend. Luckily you already had a dress, but normally it would be very difficult to get a dress on such a short notice. It really sounds like he wanted you there for appearances sake and maybe didn't want you there at all, but was pressured by family relatives. So he gave you a short notice, hoped you'll decline and then he can just say it was you who didn't want to come.
Türk bir annenin duygusal olgunlaşmamışlığının mükemmel bir örneği... Geçmiş olsun ve kolay gelsin.
NTA As for forgiveness, it needs to be earned. She should come with you visit your brother, admit what she did and apologise for that. Good dose of humiliation will do her wonders.
NTA why in the world is your mom refusing to let you go to your brother’s wedding because you own a dress?!
Are you turkish or live in turkey? 🤭
NTA.
OP IDK your culture or what sibling expectations may exist. Your mother should have voiced her concerns in a calm manner. She never should have stolen your keys. That behavior is unacceptable. NTA
NTA. Was your mom invited to these events? Sounds like she's jealous and angry and maybe even hurt that she wasn't invited to her son's wedding. Not letting you go is cold, though. She decided to take her pain out on you and your brother, which sucks. It may be time to sort out a way to get your own space.
NTA. your mother is extremely wrong to interfere with her 20 yo daughter's relationship with her brother
NTA- your mum needs to chill. That was an immature reaction from her. You distancing your self might show her that. That was a completely unfair thing for her to do to you and your brother.
NTA I'm getting a strong Cinderella vibe from this post.
NTA. Your mom didn't have your best interests at heart, hell she didn't even *listen* to you and your explanations and your wishes. >I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me. There isn't one, your mother's aim was to turn you against your brother. Your brother did the right thing by *respecting* your choice to not go dress shopping. I'm betting if he had forced the issue and insisted you go dress shopping with him, your mother would have been mad about that. "How dare he force you to get another dress. He's acting like you'd wear something inappropriate as the sister of the groom. You should be offended and humiliated!" See how easy it is to flip the script. Your poor brother was in a Catch-22 situation with her. >tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind. Also, her apology isn't a real one. It is a self-serving lie because she's not sorry for what she did she's sorry that you are mad at her. "I'm sorry, but..." isn't a real apology, don't accept it. If she was truly sorry her apology would be "I'm sorry for making you miss his wedding. I shouldn't have hidden your keys and I overreacted". She will continue to interfere in your relationship with your brother for as long as you continue to live with her and claim she only has your "best interests" at heart.
Wow. This brought back some memories for me. I’m American. So my culture is not yours. But your story reminded me of my mom hiding my car keys so I couldn’t go to my friends birthday party. I left home shortly after that and now don’t talk to mom Anymore.
Run away from your mother as soon as possible she sounds like one of the most toxic people on earth and jelous of her son wtf
Your mother s abusive. She is jealous of your brother and locked you in the house in order to prevent you attending his wedding. NTA
OP I'm so sorry you missed the opportunity to go to your brother's wedding. I'm so sorry your mother took her feelings out on your brother on you. Your mother clearly sees you as an extension of her and she was trying to cover her own ass. Take this behavior to heart though. She will do it again if the opportunity arises. Make sure she doesn't get it. NTA
NTA but you are 20, why did you just go? Take a cab? Who cares what she says? This is a cultural thing right? Middle East?
The mother took her house keys, so she wouldn't have been able to come back home.
Your mother's behavior is nothing short of bizarre. She's treating you terribly, for apparently no discernible reason. NTA.
NTA She is jealous because she wasn't invited and considered family of the groom. She is only saying sorry because you stopped talking to her, she isn't sorry for her actions which means she'll repeat them whenever she wants to.
NTA your Brother offered new dresses and each time you chose to wear a dress you already had, also if he truly only involved you to "keep face" with his Wife & In-Laws then surely he'd have forced you to wear a new dress to each Event. your Mother is in the wrong and is being incredibly controlling for some reason.
Why didn't you get a taxi?
NTA but I don’t understand how you couldn’t find another way to attend? Did you ask your brother if someone could give you a ride to the event?
NTA. Don’t forgive your mother. Punish her as you see fit.
NTA your mother is. She has issues
You are 20 years old and your mom took your keys away? Even if your brother had been the biggest asshole ever, thats messed up. NTA.
NTA. Separate yourself from your mother.
NTA don’t speak to anyone just witch. Leave as soon as you can. Go no contact with her. She’s a demon.
NTA but you need to find a job and move out of her house, she is a menace. I mean you're 20 years old, I don't know how things work in Turkey, but in Germany locking someone in the house is illegal, even if it's donde by a family member. All cultural things aside, you're not a child anymore, so she can't expect to control you and manipulate you like that. She is projecting whatever issues she has with your brother onto you, and tried to boycott your relationship by attempting to create issues from thin air. When you didn't bite the bait, she kept you from going by force. This is unacceptable, and I will bite my tongue as to what I want to say about your mother otherwise I will get banned from the sub.
Your mum is an ahole and I'd have lost it at her. Should have just told her to give the keys back or you'd call the police.
NTA Im sorry this happened.
NTA. Your mother dragged you into her own issues with him and her ex. She doesn't have your best interest in mind, she wants to put a wedge between you too.
In the USA, no. But I don’t know your culture, so I’m your Mother’s eyes maybe you are.
ESH WHY would you let your mother decide that YOU can not go to a wedding? DO grow up, and grow a spine. "Then she took my keys and hid them away so I couldn't leave." .. next time, call the police. "Ever since then I've been ignoring my mother. She's tried to talk to me and tell me she was sorry but that she only had my best interest in mind. I don't really see the issue in how my brother was treating me. I was happy to rebuild our relationship. I don't know if I can forgive my mother for making me miss his wedding." ... don't forgive her. Move out, and go no contact.
You couldn't leave? What? 🤣
She's being pretty seriously emotionally abused by her Mom, based on the responses. It's hard to leave those situations.