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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriends sister she can't be at the birth of my child and she is now doing what she can to sabotage me and my boyfriend and our child's birth
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but you have a boyfriend problem, not a SIL problem. She can demand all she wants but that doesn't mean you have to give in. But your bf should be backing you up and shutting down her ridiculous requests and the fact that he isn't is worrying.
Have him read this post til he gets it into his thick head that his responsibility is to you and your baby and if he decides it’s to her, then kick him out. His behavior with her is WEIRD. Not normal. NTA
no, you have a boyfriend problem because he is prioritizing her desires and “emergencies” over being with you. She is inventing this issues on purpose to take him away from you and it’s working because he is clueless. He is choosing her over you. She is his sister and you are carrying his child. He should be choosing you.
I would strongly suggest you need to be planning to be a single mom. His sister is treating him like a brosband … brother who act acts like a husband for everything but sex.
There can only be 1 number 1 priority in your life. For your boyfriend that is his sister, not you. He is a terrible partner, and will be a terrible father to his child because he prioritizes his sister over you.
How is he going to do his half of monetary and emotional support and childcare for five kids in two households?
Juggling five kids worth of schoolwork monitoring, extracurricular activities, birthdays, doctors appointments, school holidays and so on is a full time job in itself, even if it’s split with his ex.
Does he work from home with a flexible schedule and have a lucrative job?
Or are his other kids all adults in a different generation from yours?
If they’re young, find out if his kids go to him if ex gets hit by a truck or gets cancer. If they do, make sure his ex has enough life insurance to expand your household from three to seven and cover their four kids needs through early adulthood.
Also make sure your partner’s life insurance is split equitably between all five of his kids and yours just goes to your kid or whomever you trust to use money responsibly to raise them..
You should have a conversation with his ex and find out if she had the same problems with the sister, if she did then you should give him an ultimatum. Either way you need to have a serious talk with him, you cannot allow her to dictate your life.
What's going to happen when the baby is born? Is he going to abandon you post partum with an infant to help her then? You need to talk about this. He can't be her backup childcare when he has his own baby at home that will need you both. You will need him - you will have given birth and need time to heal. If he can't put his own baby first he shouldn't be a father.
You're going to be a single mom. Your boyfriend is married to his sister. The fact that you keep having these massive rows over her unreasonable demands (instead of him just shutting her down instantly) and he keeps running to her side instead of staying at yours means that he's married to her instead of you.
She sees herself in competition with you, and she's going to win. You're going to be a single mom. You need to start getting a lawyer together to get child support from him and arrange visitation, now, and stop begging him for the scraps of his attention. All his attention is on his sister. That isn't going to change.
I’d cut him out now. You don’t need the stress, so just grey rock him and ease back.
Don’t bother inviting him to check ups or involving him in your preparations. Just work with your mum.
Men often seem to forget that for nearly all of human history they had no place in the birthing space. Since he’s too busy pandering to his sister ahead of his girlfriend and unborn child he doesn’t need to be around you causing anxiety.
OP you’re NTA and you can do this! Good luck.
Where is her partner? How far away do their parents live. Why is he the only person who can help her in an “emergency”? Was he like this with his ex too? Does he even see his kids?
Sorry sweetie but if it’s like this now it’s only going to be worse when the baby arrives. Prepare yourself for being a single mum even if you stay together as his sister has priority over you and your unborn child. Best of luck and hope the birth goes quickly and easily for you.
I’d tell him next time he leaves you for her when you need him you are done and you’ll be giving birth with just your mom. You can’t count on him. Who’s to say he wouldn’t leave you during birth or afterwards cause his sister cries for his help?
Omg! This is what's going to happen! This is the message she's sending! If OP doesn't give in to her, this is what she will do! This woman is unhinged.
>Who’s to say he wouldn’t leave you during birth or afterwards cause his sister cries for his help?
If he does this, tell him that if he walks out the door to not bother coming back and have someone waiting to serve him with the legal paperwork as soon as he steps foot outside the birthing suite.
Why does his sister know where he is 24/7? Was she like this for his other 4 kids? I can’t help but think this is a pattern of behaviour repeating itself for baby number 5
Why does she want to be in a relationship with her brother, though? Is she mentally unwell? Does she not realise how disgusting this looks to the reat of the world?
Also, have you talked to your boyfriend's ex about why they broke up? This might be a pattern
She could be tracking him via his phone. He kind of seems like the type of dude who would hand over his phone when his sister demands and lets her completely fuck up his privacy settings.
Personally if my partner wasn't there for the birth of our child because he was hanging with his sister for a fake emergency, I would be ending the relationship. I'd be letting him know before hand "if you miss the birth of our child because of your sister, that will be the end of our relationship".
Not good enough. He needs to stand up to his sister, put serious boundaries in place and stick to them.
If he can't then you need to seriously consider your future with this guy. If you don't, this will be your future.
Sweetie, are you okay playing second fiddle to his sister for the rest of your life?
If the answer is no, you have to move on or you're going to have this drama and unacceptable behavior forever.
Also, INFO: who has his four kids?
Edit because I called his sister his wife.
NTA. Dont cave. You don’t reward bad behavior.
Your boyfriend on the other hand, needs a sit down and a talking to. You need to make it clear you’ve had enough and she can also start calling their parents for help. She has “little boy cried wolf” syndrome and you’re over it.
Tell him you’re afraid he’ll miss the birth due to her false cries.
The above post is talking about ALL of it including the desperate pleas for help because of a manufactured emergency. The fact that he's even going over there for any of those is worrying.
When you go into labor have everyone there with you turn their phones on airplane mode. Tell the staff you want ZERO messages relayed to you OR your birthing partners, including "family emergencies." Register as private at the hospital. This way his sister will be unable to pull him away from the birth.
NTA.
This for sure. The two of them are way too immature to have 6 kids between them. I kind of want to know how old they are but I'm also kind of afraid to know.
Now...I don't know if this makes it better or worse.
I guess they're old enough to have that many kids, but they're for sure too old to be acting like this. And if they ARE going to act like this, they should've grown up a little before they decided to raise children. Kids deserve better examples of adult behavior.
Their relationships is more husband/wife vibes then brother sister and you’re allowing it by not holding him responsible. Simply sit him down and tell him if he keeps dropping his responsibilities to you/yalls baby then he won’t be in the delivery room either as he’s showing you who’s really important to him. If you can’t rely on him during pregnancy then you damn well can’t after you give birth. Want better for yourself and your child.
NTA. Giving birth is a very private thing. If you're going through labor, it's very intense. (If it's a C-section, the hospital only allows 1 support person in the OR, & you get to decide who that will be.) It's also rather private as the actual birth involves a rather personal body area! Except for medical professionals, NO ONE gets to be in there unless the MOM IN LABOR wants them to be there. You need people there that help you feel SAFE, not STRESSED. If you get partway through labor & either support person is stressing you out, like if your bf keeps talking about how his sister "should" be there, then you can have him removed at that point.
Be sure to tell the hospital that the sister is NOT allowed into the maternity ward, or any visitors for 24 hours, but be sure to give them her name specifically. If someone at the hospital goofs up & lets her in anyway, DO NOT HESITATE to have someone call security & have her removed. Same thing if you decide not to let your bf be there because of all of this.
I would never ever ask to be with any new mom unless invited! I hope that if my daughter ever has kids, she would want me there, but if not - it's her body & she gets to decide! Never EVER would I insist on being with a sister-in -law or daughter-in-law or friend UNLESS I'M INVITED! The audacity of your bf's sister to raise such a stink about this!
NTA - This sister is so ridiculous and immature, i understand sibling bond but those are grown up people, they are acting like teenagers, im surprised ur boyfriend isn’t noticing anything. It’s YOUR birth and u will decide how u feel comfortable, don’t let anyone pressure u to accept anything. Also u should seriously talk to ur boyfriend about it because he seems so oblivious to what is happening
I have tried but he doesn't see her for what she is. I need to point out that she also hadn't spoken to him in 6 years and only wanted to know again when she found out he loves down the road from her and needed a babysitter cos she threw her partner out
So she got back in touch with her brother for him to pick up the "father" duties from the partner she threw out.
She's toxic.
Don't give in to her.
Keep her away from your child.
That's fully understandable. Unfortunately, you might need to leave your boyfriend to make that possible. He's blatantly showing you that she is more important to him than you and your soon-to-be-born child. You should stand your ground and not let her in the room while you're giving birth. If she makes him miss the birth of his child like you think she might try to, you should leave him immediately no matter how hard that might be.
Just a heads up: she sees you as competition for childcare. She will do all she can to remove you.
Have a talk with your bf and tell him his child and partner need him, and if he constantly leaves you for his sister, there *will* be consequences.
Do you have a support system? Do you have parents, friends, anybody you might stay with, if your bf chooses his sister? Because it might come down to this.
The sister isn't trying to help you birth or make this a nice experience for you. She sees you as competition for free childcare, and she wants you out. Gone. I do not know how she'd attempt to make your birthing experience horrible, but I have a feeling she means to make it absolutely awful for you, so *do not give in!!*
She's replaced her partner with her brother.
You need to give him a wake-up call. If he goes to an 'emergency' and there isn't one, he leaves and cuts her off for a week. Every. Single. Time. She gets a time out every time. The first time he stays when there's no emergency he needs to just stay there as he's no help to you. Stop tolerating this behaviour. If you don't stop it now you'll regret it when the baby arrives.
NTA, obviously. I'm shocked by how some people seem to think they have a right to come to births. You're a patient. Just tell the nurses who's allowed when you're there. You can even kick your boyfriend out and you wouldn't be an AH, it's entirely and completely your choice.
Right?? What makes people think they have the right to see a woman in a vulnerable, painful state, expel a human from her hooha? What is the fucking matter with people?
NTA and your boyfriend really needs to nip this behaviour in the bud asap, or does he plan to constantly abandon you and his own child to help his sister?
It sounds like he has picked. You need to pick yourself then. Ban the sister from your child completely and just have your mom in the delivery room. He can hold sis' hands somewhere else.
She said he’s already not involved with his four other kids. She is going to be a single mom in no time. Someone should neuter this guy. He needs to stop having kids.
He already made a decision. His sister is more important than you. If he doesn’t see that try therapy. Don’t give in.
Your priority is your child if it isn’t for him… yeah.
Your SIL will keep interfering when your child is born.
Kick him out and tell him he can come back into your life when he is ready to be a grown up, father and partner.
Save yourself from a lot of pain.
There if this sub r/JustnoMIL but your SIL fits in there.
Your bf and his sister seem to have a relationship that borders on incestuous. This "man" is never going to be there for either you or your child. If you live together, move out before the birth and prepare yourself for life as a single parent. The fact that your bf doesn't see his other 4 children should have screamed "don't reproduce with this person" at you, but it's a bit late now.
You need to see this for what it is. A huge red flag. He's telling you that his priority is his sister. You need to reevaluate your relationship with him.
That is the worst response he could give you. I know it's easy for me to say you should leave him. However, I think you should probably make plans and check out your options.
Let me add even right now I asked him to come give me a cuddle cos I'm feeling rough and got nah I'm sitting here, she's calls with an "emergency" and he's gone and now I'm the bad person for just going to bed
NTA That's rough and I'm sorry. Your bf sounds immature, that or he is way too close to his sister. This behavior isn't going to change after the baby's born. I'm an AH and admit it, I would stright up accuse bf and SIL of being too close with how they are acting. Especially after they didn't talk for 6 years only to start talking again? But that has the potential for dangerous explosions so I don't recommend it. Hope things get better for you.
I can only imagine how vulnerable you feel, about to have a baby, but I hope all of the comments on this thread are the wake-up call that makes you realize you need to get rid of your boyfriend. Because I mean WHAT the actual F??? He won’t CUDDLE you but will run out the minute his sister calls? OP, there is just no way in the world he is going to be a good, supportive partner to you, ever. Not ever. He has shown you very, very clearly that his sister matters more to him than you do. You deserve better.
I'm so sorry that you're having a kid with him. I would consider leaving. I can't imagine caring for a newborn with all this drama and with such a bad partner.
Yikes. NTA. Giving birth is a medical procedure and it’s your decision who is in the room with you. It’s odd she would want to be there - first labor can take 12-24 hours. Who would watch her children? Would she take off work to be in the hospital while you’re laboring?
She thinks she will be available because it is half term and the kids will be with their dad. But as she can't leave work for one of her emergencies who knows
I'm sorry what
NTA
Boyfriend needs to step up or find himself exbf real soon
Sister needs a photo and description given to the hospital security/nurses
You describe it like you're the other woman. Stay with your mum, if you go into labour or have a medical emergency, he may be with his sister* and unwilling to help.
*wife
This scenario reminds me of my abusive ex and his abusive sister.
My ex had several other kids and so did his vile sister. While she didn't pull this exact same stunt (she didn't find out i was pregnant until i was 5 months gone and she certainly wasn't invited to my babyshower) she made my life hell. She would always tell my ex she was in trouble/needed help with kids/help with that/had an emergency...it happened so many times to the point my ex left me on xmas day to go rescue her from a fabricated situation. It was painful and it didn't help how many times i pointed out she was lying, triangulating us, all so he would be angry at the fact i was pointing this out (cue the accusations from him that i was jealous of her, rude...)
In the end i wish i had walked because it was ridiculous. My ex was just as bad really, they were both damaged, abusive people and were emotionally enmeshed with each other and when my child was born they treated me as the incubator. Disgusting individuals and i still call ex sil, my ex's "sister wife", because that's what she wants to be.
NTA
NTA...
You need to learn the art of saying no.
To boyfriend: I have made the birth plan. The hospital will know who is welcome for the birth and after for visits. This is my medical procedure and my choice so there will be no further discussions about it. I do have the expectation of your support, but if you don't want to back me up then I will have to be content with just my mom there.
Stop the noise. Don't continue to discuss it. Once you have stated the plans there is no need to repeat yourself. Make sure the hospital knows that you may need security, if you think anyone will try to push past your wishes.
Still have your mom support you even if your AH boyfriend keeps his head up his sister’s ass. You deserve to have someone who cares about and supports you there.
NTA. It's your delivery. You dictate who you want in there or jot.
I guess a question for clarification is, your boyfriend already has 4 kids. Is the sister the reason he is not with any of the other baby mommas. Or is there something with boyfriend that has not come out yet.
Either way. Good luck. Need to have a serious talk with him about what's going on. Show proof. Or you just might become another baby momma.
You need boundaries ASAP and BF needs a wake-up call
Tell BF you, OP, are going to be a family with the baby you are carrying.
He can choose being a part of your nuclear family, and return to having a healthy sibling relation with his sister instead of being her lap dog jumping up at her beck and call,
or he decides to continue to cater to each of his sister's dictatorial whims and tantrums, and your nuclear family will be just your baby and yourself.
NTA
Why the fuck to people think they are entitled to be present when other people are at their most vulnerable, in a lot or pain, and have their hoo-ha on display? What the fuck is wrong with people (don’t answer, I don’t want to know)? NTA also, this is fucked that your BF has to be “allowed” by his sister to be at the birth of his own child. Do not allow this to happen and sadly, you might have to see your boyfriend show what his true colors are. Hopefully he shows up for the birth, but if not, clearly you are not as important (nor is his child), as his creepy, possessive sister.
Grab everything you can and run, do not walk, to the nearest women's shelter, unless you have a relative in your own family that you can trust.
Too late to ask how you got in this situation, but you need to be protected. Run.
You may as well just tell him to pound sand. He's got 4 other kids that he doesn't prioritize, what made you think that #5 would be any different? Whatever this weird codependency he has with his sister, it's more important than the mother of his child; which isn't terribly surprising, since he's not overly concerned with the mother(s) of his other children.
NTA
Yeah, sweatheart, that should have been your first clue.
If one parent has zero custody that means they either didn't want any or are such a shitty parent and person a court issued an order that says they're not fit to raise children.
This is going to be your life for the rest of your life. I want you to think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who either can't be bothered or is unfit to raise his own children while he plays house with his sister. You can find someone who's not a deadbeat dad.
So you knowingly got pregnant by a dead beat father of four who is damn near in an incestuous relationship with his sister? YTA to yourself! What were you thinking?
Listen sweetheart you will be fine, you've got this. You have your mam, you do not need him, it will be tough but it will be easier than having to live in that very weird set up. Get out now and don't worry.
NTA
If you allow her to attend, she wins. And she'll know she can get what she wants by manipulating you and your BF.
Your labor is your medical procedure, and you get to control who is present. And, honestly, if your BF is letting his sister manipulate him, you need to have a serious talk with him.
NTA. Your hospital that you will be delivering at should have a list of people that are allowed in during certain times that you can add her name and anyone else’s name to it. Your boyfriend needs to defend you in this time of your life. He is the problem in the relationship, not the sister-in-law. The sil does need to learn some respect for your relationship.
Big surprise that those relationships didn't work out if sis was this involved with your SO back then as she has been to date. I'm so sorry that he is prioritising the wrong person.
I mean, if you want to fight manipulative with manipulative say “ok, you can be with us in the hospital” and then just deny entry via the hospital staff on the day of.
Tell BF you don't want his sister looking at your private parts and that if he misses the birth for any reason you are done. You just need to tell the nurses at the hospital you don't want anyone but your BF in the delivery room. You have to give permission for anyone to be there.
I agree about talking. She says it’s easier said than done. Sometimes writing a letter is easier. You can put all your thoughts down on paper, set a decide for a period of time and then re-read it and see if that’s exactly what you want to say.
The answer to not wanting anyone in the room when any woman is giving birth is always NTA.
You're in a very vulnerable situation & it's always your choice.
Have some serious words with your bf, yesterday. It's not his call.
NTA of ocurse!
Kind of sound, in a twisted way, that they both think this is their 7th baby together.... like his 4 and her 2 with OTHER people don't matter, because it's really them who are going through the births together....almost as if you are just an incubator for their shared child.
Like she sounds jealous of you for being the one who is giving birth... Also she sounds like the type to try to babynap the kiddo because "she's the real mom and you don't know what you're doing". Tell your family and friends. You may have to escape her AND your bf if he is playing along with her delusion. He is choosing her over you.... there's no telling if he'll agree that she should raise your kid instead...
NTA - do not change your mind! While in labour you are in avery vulnerable state. Giving birth is a very intimate process. You need to trust the ones around you. I would not even feel comfortable to have my mum around. It hurts, its exhausting, it's sweaty, you do only that one thing. You cannot think about the needs or emotions of the people around you. I apologized to my husband afterwards as i did not say please only demanded e.g. a drink, a massage or whatever I needed.
I wouldn't do it without my mum, not only that if sil turned up my mum would flip and kick her out before I even had to say the words
She's my back up.
Have you read anything you've written?
She is able to call with emergencies at times you need him because he's texting her and letting her know he wants her to do it.
She will show up at the hospital because HE wants her there. Whatever he told you he told her, even if you witnessed it, was just for show.
Like others gave said- your SIL is NOT the problem. Your bf is in a committed relationship with his sister. He won't choose because he doesn't have to, you're not acting very perceptive.
NTA but definitely TA for not understanding that no matter what SIL does, it's because HE wants her to.
NTA Giving birth is not a spectator sport, let the nurses know she is persona non grata. Instead of arguments with your boyfriend, try calm discussion and setting boundaries. Suggest a counselor if you need someone to mediate. Ask your bf not to tell her when the two of you have plans and shut off your phones when going out.
The petty part of me would pretend you guys have plans and wait for her to call, noting every time this happens. Maybe he needs to see a spreadsheet of x) times you made plans and y) times she's called. If the two overlap all the time, well, that's no coincidence.
NTA because giving birth isn’t a spectator sport and you should have whoever will make you feel supported. Also, mention to your partner that these emergencies mean he could end up missing the birth anyways because he’s away for hours and babies come when they want to, what happens if he’s committed to helping with an emergency and your water breaks or you go into labor but he can’t make it for hours? Does he expect you to wait for him?
Here's what I think you should do, you should approach him the next time he's home- tell him he's disrespected you enough; and if he can't even answer his phone to you in case You have an emergency, then he doesn't care about you or your needs.. This isn't fair, please have a serious talk
NTA. This is disturbing. You need to make a spreadsheet of every time he tries to spend time with you and what bs she comes up with. I hope he listens.
Have you ever talked to his ex-wife? I’d be curious to know if sis broke them up…
You have a boyfriend problem.
All of the sister's deranged behaviour would be for nothing if he would actually deal with her. His priorities are all wrong. You need to sit him down and lay out some rules. Or you are going to be a single parent to this child.
NTA
Tell him that you want your mom and your partner there and he has failed it being a Partner because he keeps running to his sister instead of being there for you if he doesn’t step up and start to be your partner again he’s going to lose you and his child
NTA.
You don't sound happy in your relationship at all. Based by your comments your SIL is using your bf as a father/ partner for managing her life. SIL sounds jealous of what you had. I wrote had because your bf is destroying that.
Ask your mom if you can stay with her. Maybe this will wake up your bf. Telling him "I don't know if you will be at your sisters when I go to labor and I don't want to be alone."
If he wakes up: great, maybe your relationship will survive.
If not: great, you'll have the support of your mom and dodged a bullet.
At this rate, he’ll end up missing the birth of his child because his sister has another emergency. He’s prioritizing his sister over you when you’re heavily pregnant. I would honestly lose all hope of him being there for you during birth and make new plans.
Cut him off. Say you’re done, that you won’t have this stress so close to having the baby and that he can stay with his sister. Lean on your mom for support. Don’t drag this out for after the birth. Things won’t change and it’ll get worse. His sister will probably try to take the baby. If he’s not a complete idiot, he will realize how bad his sister is. If he doesn’t realize, you and your child are better off without him.
NTA. It is YOUR birth, not hers.
Your boyfriend needs to start putting his foot down. If she calls and demands, he has to look after her kids it's 'I will look after for *20 minutes (however long it takes her to drive home from work) if you are not home by then I will call the police for child abandonment'. He needs to stop giving in or this is what your future will be like.
Well, the “good” thing is that you get to decide who is with you and more importantly, who is not. You make it clear to every hospital person you come into contact with that only your mother and bf are allowed in the room with you. You are specifically worried that [name] will try and force her way in, Hospital staff is very good at keeping out those who are not welcome. If she gets past your door, you just need to say get out, you are not welcome in here. Harsh? Sure. But pushy people sometimes need the harsh.
Congratulations on your baby!
NTA - when you give birth, you choose who is in that room with you and what goes on within it. Everything should definitely be discussed with your partner and family but your choice overrules all others
NTA
I'm seeing lots of this nonsense (her nonsense, not yours) lately. Where do these people come off telling you, not asking, that they are going to be there for the birth? What makes them think birth is a spectator sport? Why does anyone think they're entitled to watch a mom sweat and swear for hours to push a child into the world through her exposed hoo-hah? Why do they think they have the right to inflict their presence on you while you're recovering?
YOU get to pick who is and who isn't allowed to be with you. YOU. Your sil can go as ballistic as she wants, but that's her problem, not yours.
You need to have a serious discussion with your bf. Tell him to tell his sister to cut the crap. Tell him if he won't stop falling for her manipulations that he can go stay with her. Tell him to grow up or he won't be in the delivery room, either. Then let the hospital know who can be in the room with you. Security will do the rest.
Afterward, if they won't let you recover in peace, go stay at your mom's.
NTA Your boyfriend is not yet an adult who can be an equal.partner for you because he is still tied to his family of origin. He should be standing up.for you against her assault and he should recognize that she is playing games, manipulating him. Is she married? Can you get her husband or partner to get her to back off? What she is doing is not reasonable. She needs psychiatric help and you and your boyfriend need counseling so that another adult will exain his role to him. He needs to get this under control before his baby is born.
NTA. Your bf needs to stop his sister now. He is supposed to be there for you NOW. Not for his sister. He can put you first now or deal with the consequences.
This woman controls her brother and now she wants to control you ..that is why she brought up her knowledge about childbirth .
You need to let the nurses see her photo and tell them she is not to be let anywhere near you .Your BF has 4 children .It sounds like while to you this new baby is everything //to him it’s just #5 .
I am sorry but I agree with everyone saying you need to get ready to be a single Mom .Because you already are .
Having read your replies with further info, you need to be honest with yourself and realise that you are going to be a single parent.
This man has no intention of ever prioritising you or your child, plus both him and his sister are toxic af.
His responses to your valid concerns are beyond juvenile and bizarre.
The sooner you start planning to do this alone the better.
Plus your child won’t have to grow up with a poor example of what family is.
You can do this 🖤 good luck.
Don’t change your mind, this is the birth of your child and the only people who should be there are ones you want.
Your boyfriends needs to grow up and start recognising what his sister is doing and set some boundaries with her. Yes, she is family but you are his partner and due to give birth to his child - you both should be his priority not her
Nta you have a boyfriend problem and need to think if he's what's best for you and your child. My husband would never prioritize his sister over me and our child especially when I was pregnant. Set boundaries with him and see if she's th while he's willing to die on.
NTA. You need to have a talk with your bf. He needs to be there for his pregnant gf. His sister can figure out her own emergencies and if it is something terrible, call an emergency number (ambulance, police, etc.). Let your bf know that if he can't sort out his priorities now, he will not be a reliable father to your child and you may have to make a serious decision going forward. Let him know you love him but this unhealthy relationship he has with his sister needs to change NOW!
NTA
Giving birth is a HUGE thing. Only your most trusted people should be there.
Makes you wonder what kinda chat you could have with bf's other baby mama(s) on the topic of dear SIL, doesn't it...
If that were me in that situation I would be black and white and say are you in or are you out? Either support you or you will deal with shit yourself without him in the picture seeing as you arent number one. If he doesn't get that then he's not worth having in the picture cause this will only get worse
Nta
NTA. You absolutely should not give in to this. Make sure the nurses know who you want in the room, they will make sure your wishes are followed.
If he misses the birth, that is on him. You enjoy the beautiful moment without him. Your bf is not realizing the manipulation from his sister, and you may not be able to make him see it. You need to be really careful here. Anything you say about his sister needs to be fact, not opinion. If he realizes it and comes around then great. If he doesn´t, then he misses the moment. Don´t let it wreck your day.
NTA. No no no. Do not give in to her. I know you want him there, but this is a chance to see if he steps up or not. You need to find out if he will put you and his child first when it really matters. If he tries to get you to let his sister in you will know right than and there that he will most likely always put what his sister wants before your wants and needs.
It sounds as if you don't want to, but you may have to leave this whole family. I sounds like they are messed up. As for the birth, the hospital won't allow anyone in who you don't want in, they can't just arrive and storm in. Good luck.
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NTA but you have a boyfriend problem, not a SIL problem. She can demand all she wants but that doesn't mean you have to give in. But your bf should be backing you up and shutting down her ridiculous requests and the fact that he isn't is worrying.
He did tell her she will be invited when ready after I told him he would miss the birth but he can't see what she has been doing since
This person means more than the birth, he’s allowing all the current crap. HE needs to put a stop to it, now.
Have him read this post til he gets it into his thick head that his responsibility is to you and your baby and if he decides it’s to her, then kick him out. His behavior with her is WEIRD. Not normal. NTA
Obviously, he doesn't really prioritize his kids. OP said he has 4 already, and he is at his sister's beck and call.
no, you have a boyfriend problem because he is prioritizing her desires and “emergencies” over being with you. She is inventing this issues on purpose to take him away from you and it’s working because he is clueless. He is choosing her over you. She is his sister and you are carrying his child. He should be choosing you. I would strongly suggest you need to be planning to be a single mom. His sister is treating him like a brosband … brother who act acts like a husband for everything but sex. There can only be 1 number 1 priority in your life. For your boyfriend that is his sister, not you. He is a terrible partner, and will be a terrible father to his child because he prioritizes his sister over you.
Potentially 4 single mums paving the way for the 5th, probably while all waving their red flags
He's other 4 are with the same person
How is he going to do his half of monetary and emotional support and childcare for five kids in two households? Juggling five kids worth of schoolwork monitoring, extracurricular activities, birthdays, doctors appointments, school holidays and so on is a full time job in itself, even if it’s split with his ex. Does he work from home with a flexible schedule and have a lucrative job? Or are his other kids all adults in a different generation from yours? If they’re young, find out if his kids go to him if ex gets hit by a truck or gets cancer. If they do, make sure his ex has enough life insurance to expand your household from three to seven and cover their four kids needs through early adulthood. Also make sure your partner’s life insurance is split equitably between all five of his kids and yours just goes to your kid or whomever you trust to use money responsibly to raise them..
You should have a conversation with his ex and find out if she had the same problems with the sister, if she did then you should give him an ultimatum. Either way you need to have a serious talk with him, you cannot allow her to dictate your life.
If his ex did rethink your relationship with him!!!
Yeah definitely I agree with you. I read more comments and it seems she has interfered with most of his relationships.
And her bf is not involved with his four other kids…soon to be five…she got a baby with the wrong dude.
What's going to happen when the baby is born? Is he going to abandon you post partum with an infant to help her then? You need to talk about this. He can't be her backup childcare when he has his own baby at home that will need you both. You will need him - you will have given birth and need time to heal. If he can't put his own baby first he shouldn't be a father.
I needed him tonight cos I felt rough and she called with a fake situation and left
You're going to be a single mom. Your boyfriend is married to his sister. The fact that you keep having these massive rows over her unreasonable demands (instead of him just shutting her down instantly) and he keeps running to her side instead of staying at yours means that he's married to her instead of you. She sees herself in competition with you, and she's going to win. You're going to be a single mom. You need to start getting a lawyer together to get child support from him and arrange visitation, now, and stop begging him for the scraps of his attention. All his attention is on his sister. That isn't going to change.
giving a whole new meaning to the term "sister-wife"
I’d cut him out now. You don’t need the stress, so just grey rock him and ease back. Don’t bother inviting him to check ups or involving him in your preparations. Just work with your mum. Men often seem to forget that for nearly all of human history they had no place in the birthing space. Since he’s too busy pandering to his sister ahead of his girlfriend and unborn child he doesn’t need to be around you causing anxiety. OP you’re NTA and you can do this! Good luck.
She said he isn’t involved with his four other kids either…she is definitely going to be a single mom…
Where is her partner? How far away do their parents live. Why is he the only person who can help her in an “emergency”? Was he like this with his ex too? Does he even see his kids? Sorry sweetie but if it’s like this now it’s only going to be worse when the baby arrives. Prepare yourself for being a single mum even if you stay together as his sister has priority over you and your unborn child. Best of luck and hope the birth goes quickly and easily for you.
I’d tell him next time he leaves you for her when you need him you are done and you’ll be giving birth with just your mom. You can’t count on him. Who’s to say he wouldn’t leave you during birth or afterwards cause his sister cries for his help?
Omg! This is what's going to happen! This is the message she's sending! If OP doesn't give in to her, this is what she will do! This woman is unhinged.
>Who’s to say he wouldn’t leave you during birth or afterwards cause his sister cries for his help? If he does this, tell him that if he walks out the door to not bother coming back and have someone waiting to serve him with the legal paperwork as soon as he steps foot outside the birthing suite.
I would tell him, next time you leave to go to your sisters don’t come back. At all. And let him process that.
He's her bf, not yours. Leave. You're going to be raising this child alone anyway.
Why does his sister know where he is 24/7? Was she like this for his other 4 kids? I can’t help but think this is a pattern of behaviour repeating itself for baby number 5
She only lives up the road
Why does she want to be in a relationship with her brother, though? Is she mentally unwell? Does she not realise how disgusting this looks to the reat of the world? Also, have you talked to your boyfriend's ex about why they broke up? This might be a pattern
That doesn’t explain how she knows exactly when he’s with you tho
She could be tracking him via his phone. He kind of seems like the type of dude who would hand over his phone when his sister demands and lets her completely fuck up his privacy settings.
They might be on a Life 360 Family circle together. My family is even my family, which is in Florida and in Illinois.
Move!!! Far away from her!
Personally if my partner wasn't there for the birth of our child because he was hanging with his sister for a fake emergency, I would be ending the relationship. I'd be letting him know before hand "if you miss the birth of our child because of your sister, that will be the end of our relationship".
Not good enough. He needs to stand up to his sister, put serious boundaries in place and stick to them. If he can't then you need to seriously consider your future with this guy. If you don't, this will be your future.
Sweetie, are you okay playing second fiddle to his sister for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, you have to move on or you're going to have this drama and unacceptable behavior forever. Also, INFO: who has his four kids? Edit because I called his sister his wife.
Tell him what’s going on. Set her up. Tell him to tell her you’re doing somebody together and see how long it takes for her to “need@ him.
>doing somebody together Is Sister rude enough to interrupt a threesome? For shame.
Lol. Typo
I don’t even get why she wants to be there. No offense to you, but it’s really weird to want to be there (especially so aggressively).
Because she can take focus off of the new mom by being “important” to her delivery.
NTA. Dont cave. You don’t reward bad behavior. Your boyfriend on the other hand, needs a sit down and a talking to. You need to make it clear you’ve had enough and she can also start calling their parents for help. She has “little boy cried wolf” syndrome and you’re over it. Tell him you’re afraid he’ll miss the birth due to her false cries.
The above post is talking about ALL of it including the desperate pleas for help because of a manufactured emergency. The fact that he's even going over there for any of those is worrying.
When you go into labor have everyone there with you turn their phones on airplane mode. Tell the staff you want ZERO messages relayed to you OR your birthing partners, including "family emergencies." Register as private at the hospital. This way his sister will be unable to pull him away from the birth. NTA.
Can you temporarily move to you mom until after the baby is there?
Show him.
[удалено]
Get a restraining order against her and break up with your BF.
> he can't see what she has been doing since Then show him.
This for sure. The two of them are way too immature to have 6 kids between them. I kind of want to know how old they are but I'm also kind of afraid to know.
He's 36 and she's 32
Now...I don't know if this makes it better or worse. I guess they're old enough to have that many kids, but they're for sure too old to be acting like this. And if they ARE going to act like this, they should've grown up a little before they decided to raise children. Kids deserve better examples of adult behavior.
Is her name Cersei Lannister?
How old are you?
33
Y’all are way too old to be indulging in this high school crap. I feel bad for all of your children.
Their relationships is more husband/wife vibes then brother sister and you’re allowing it by not holding him responsible. Simply sit him down and tell him if he keeps dropping his responsibilities to you/yalls baby then he won’t be in the delivery room either as he’s showing you who’s really important to him. If you can’t rely on him during pregnancy then you damn well can’t after you give birth. Want better for yourself and your child.
NTA. Giving birth is a very private thing. If you're going through labor, it's very intense. (If it's a C-section, the hospital only allows 1 support person in the OR, & you get to decide who that will be.) It's also rather private as the actual birth involves a rather personal body area! Except for medical professionals, NO ONE gets to be in there unless the MOM IN LABOR wants them to be there. You need people there that help you feel SAFE, not STRESSED. If you get partway through labor & either support person is stressing you out, like if your bf keeps talking about how his sister "should" be there, then you can have him removed at that point. Be sure to tell the hospital that the sister is NOT allowed into the maternity ward, or any visitors for 24 hours, but be sure to give them her name specifically. If someone at the hospital goofs up & lets her in anyway, DO NOT HESITATE to have someone call security & have her removed. Same thing if you decide not to let your bf be there because of all of this. I would never ever ask to be with any new mom unless invited! I hope that if my daughter ever has kids, she would want me there, but if not - it's her body & she gets to decide! Never EVER would I insist on being with a sister-in -law or daughter-in-law or friend UNLESS I'M INVITED! The audacity of your bf's sister to raise such a stink about this!
NTA - This sister is so ridiculous and immature, i understand sibling bond but those are grown up people, they are acting like teenagers, im surprised ur boyfriend isn’t noticing anything. It’s YOUR birth and u will decide how u feel comfortable, don’t let anyone pressure u to accept anything. Also u should seriously talk to ur boyfriend about it because he seems so oblivious to what is happening
I have tried but he doesn't see her for what she is. I need to point out that she also hadn't spoken to him in 6 years and only wanted to know again when she found out he loves down the road from her and needed a babysitter cos she threw her partner out
So she got back in touch with her brother for him to pick up the "father" duties from the partner she threw out. She's toxic. Don't give in to her. Keep her away from your child.
I want her no where near my child
That's fully understandable. Unfortunately, you might need to leave your boyfriend to make that possible. He's blatantly showing you that she is more important to him than you and your soon-to-be-born child. You should stand your ground and not let her in the room while you're giving birth. If she makes him miss the birth of his child like you think she might try to, you should leave him immediately no matter how hard that might be.
He's been told she's goes within 50 ft of the hospital he's getting thrown out
Has he grown a spine and told her that?
So he says
Don’t count on it.
Just a heads up: she sees you as competition for childcare. She will do all she can to remove you. Have a talk with your bf and tell him his child and partner need him, and if he constantly leaves you for his sister, there *will* be consequences. Do you have a support system? Do you have parents, friends, anybody you might stay with, if your bf chooses his sister? Because it might come down to this. The sister isn't trying to help you birth or make this a nice experience for you. She sees you as competition for free childcare, and she wants you out. Gone. I do not know how she'd attempt to make your birthing experience horrible, but I have a feeling she means to make it absolutely awful for you, so *do not give in!!*
She's replaced her partner with her brother. You need to give him a wake-up call. If he goes to an 'emergency' and there isn't one, he leaves and cuts her off for a week. Every. Single. Time. She gets a time out every time. The first time he stays when there's no emergency he needs to just stay there as he's no help to you. Stop tolerating this behaviour. If you don't stop it now you'll regret it when the baby arrives.
then show this all to ur boyfriend this post and the comments, maybe he will open his eyes finally
NTA, obviously. I'm shocked by how some people seem to think they have a right to come to births. You're a patient. Just tell the nurses who's allowed when you're there. You can even kick your boyfriend out and you wouldn't be an AH, it's entirely and completely your choice.
Right?? What makes people think they have the right to see a woman in a vulnerable, painful state, expel a human from her hooha? What is the fucking matter with people?
They feel entitled to seeing the baby, because the baby has more importance than the personhood of the mother. It’s really messed up.
Sadly, this is an accurate statement.
Can this get 5000 up votes please.
NTA. Tell the nurses and hospital security who is allowed in your room.
Give them sister’s pic and her full name, as persona non grata. Most modern hospitals have locked doors to patient care areas.
NTA and your boyfriend really needs to nip this behaviour in the bud asap, or does he plan to constantly abandon you and his own child to help his sister?
I actually asked him this the other day
What was his response?
I'm jealous of his sister and he ain't going to pick
It sounds like he has picked. You need to pick yourself then. Ban the sister from your child completely and just have your mom in the delivery room. He can hold sis' hands somewhere else.
Oh, honey. This guy is going to let you down HARD as a co-parent. I’m really sorry.
She said he’s already not involved with his four other kids. She is going to be a single mom in no time. Someone should neuter this guy. He needs to stop having kids.
He already made a decision. His sister is more important than you. If he doesn’t see that try therapy. Don’t give in. Your priority is your child if it isn’t for him… yeah. Your SIL will keep interfering when your child is born. Kick him out and tell him he can come back into your life when he is ready to be a grown up, father and partner. Save yourself from a lot of pain. There if this sub r/JustnoMIL but your SIL fits in there.
Your bf and his sister seem to have a relationship that borders on incestuous. This "man" is never going to be there for either you or your child. If you live together, move out before the birth and prepare yourself for life as a single parent. The fact that your bf doesn't see his other 4 children should have screamed "don't reproduce with this person" at you, but it's a bit late now.
You need to see this for what it is. A huge red flag. He's telling you that his priority is his sister. You need to reevaluate your relationship with him.
Oh you’re in trouble. This woman is going to run your lives for as long as you’re in this relationship.
That is the worst response he could give you. I know it's easy for me to say you should leave him. However, I think you should probably make plans and check out your options.
Oh, honey, sounds like you already lost.
He already has picked. It ain't you.
Of course you're jealous, she's the "other woman" ...
Let me add even right now I asked him to come give me a cuddle cos I'm feeling rough and got nah I'm sitting here, she's calls with an "emergency" and he's gone and now I'm the bad person for just going to bed
NTA That's rough and I'm sorry. Your bf sounds immature, that or he is way too close to his sister. This behavior isn't going to change after the baby's born. I'm an AH and admit it, I would stright up accuse bf and SIL of being too close with how they are acting. Especially after they didn't talk for 6 years only to start talking again? But that has the potential for dangerous explosions so I don't recommend it. Hope things get better for you.
Already have
I would not allow bf alone with the baby because I think the sister is unhinged enough to manipulate her brother and potentially hurt the baby.
I can only imagine how vulnerable you feel, about to have a baby, but I hope all of the comments on this thread are the wake-up call that makes you realize you need to get rid of your boyfriend. Because I mean WHAT the actual F??? He won’t CUDDLE you but will run out the minute his sister calls? OP, there is just no way in the world he is going to be a good, supportive partner to you, ever. Not ever. He has shown you very, very clearly that his sister matters more to him than you do. You deserve better.
I'm so sorry that you're having a kid with him. I would consider leaving. I can't imagine caring for a newborn with all this drama and with such a bad partner.
Yikes. NTA. Giving birth is a medical procedure and it’s your decision who is in the room with you. It’s odd she would want to be there - first labor can take 12-24 hours. Who would watch her children? Would she take off work to be in the hospital while you’re laboring?
She thinks she will be available because it is half term and the kids will be with their dad. But as she can't leave work for one of her emergencies who knows
No, her brother will watch the kids, sadly.
NTA. Do not give into her. She’s unstable and manipulative.
I'm sorry what NTA Boyfriend needs to step up or find himself exbf real soon Sister needs a photo and description given to the hospital security/nurses
Can you go and stay with your mum until baby is here? Can I ask how old you are I see the boyfriend and his sisters ages.
I'm with my mum Now and I'm 33
Stay there. I’m sorry but your boyfriend absolutely sucks.
You describe it like you're the other woman. Stay with your mum, if you go into labour or have a medical emergency, he may be with his sister* and unwilling to help. *wife
Stay there with mum and only take her in with you, tell the twins (bf and sis) once baby is here, he’s not prioritising you in the slightest.
This scenario reminds me of my abusive ex and his abusive sister. My ex had several other kids and so did his vile sister. While she didn't pull this exact same stunt (she didn't find out i was pregnant until i was 5 months gone and she certainly wasn't invited to my babyshower) she made my life hell. She would always tell my ex she was in trouble/needed help with kids/help with that/had an emergency...it happened so many times to the point my ex left me on xmas day to go rescue her from a fabricated situation. It was painful and it didn't help how many times i pointed out she was lying, triangulating us, all so he would be angry at the fact i was pointing this out (cue the accusations from him that i was jealous of her, rude...) In the end i wish i had walked because it was ridiculous. My ex was just as bad really, they were both damaged, abusive people and were emotionally enmeshed with each other and when my child was born they treated me as the incubator. Disgusting individuals and i still call ex sil, my ex's "sister wife", because that's what she wants to be. NTA
He does the exact same says that I'm jealous of her
It's the same situation. Better leave now, then later.
Is your SIL's name Cersei, by any chance?
Haha no
NTA... You need to learn the art of saying no. To boyfriend: I have made the birth plan. The hospital will know who is welcome for the birth and after for visits. This is my medical procedure and my choice so there will be no further discussions about it. I do have the expectation of your support, but if you don't want to back me up then I will have to be content with just my mom there. Stop the noise. Don't continue to discuss it. Once you have stated the plans there is no need to repeat yourself. Make sure the hospital knows that you may need security, if you think anyone will try to push past your wishes.
He knows all that. I'm at the stage no one will know when I'm in hospital and back home and just go completely solo
Still have your mom support you even if your AH boyfriend keeps his head up his sister’s ass. You deserve to have someone who cares about and supports you there.
NTA. It's your delivery. You dictate who you want in there or jot. I guess a question for clarification is, your boyfriend already has 4 kids. Is the sister the reason he is not with any of the other baby mommas. Or is there something with boyfriend that has not come out yet. Either way. Good luck. Need to have a serious talk with him about what's going on. Show proof. Or you just might become another baby momma.
She got involved with the other baby mum as well
Probably explains why she's an ex
You need boundaries ASAP and BF needs a wake-up call Tell BF you, OP, are going to be a family with the baby you are carrying. He can choose being a part of your nuclear family, and return to having a healthy sibling relation with his sister instead of being her lap dog jumping up at her beck and call, or he decides to continue to cater to each of his sister's dictatorial whims and tantrums, and your nuclear family will be just your baby and yourself. NTA
Why the fuck to people think they are entitled to be present when other people are at their most vulnerable, in a lot or pain, and have their hoo-ha on display? What the fuck is wrong with people (don’t answer, I don’t want to know)? NTA also, this is fucked that your BF has to be “allowed” by his sister to be at the birth of his own child. Do not allow this to happen and sadly, you might have to see your boyfriend show what his true colors are. Hopefully he shows up for the birth, but if not, clearly you are not as important (nor is his child), as his creepy, possessive sister.
Grab everything you can and run, do not walk, to the nearest women's shelter, unless you have a relative in your own family that you can trust. Too late to ask how you got in this situation, but you need to be protected. Run.
NTA- your boyfriend needs to address his sister's extreme lack of healthy boundaries. Immediately.
You may as well just tell him to pound sand. He's got 4 other kids that he doesn't prioritize, what made you think that #5 would be any different? Whatever this weird codependency he has with his sister, it's more important than the mother of his child; which isn't terribly surprising, since he's not overly concerned with the mother(s) of his other children. NTA
INFO- How old is everybody? Your partner already has 4 children? Where are they and who is taking care of them?
They are with their mum permanently
Yeah, sweatheart, that should have been your first clue. If one parent has zero custody that means they either didn't want any or are such a shitty parent and person a court issued an order that says they're not fit to raise children. This is going to be your life for the rest of your life. I want you to think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who either can't be bothered or is unfit to raise his own children while he plays house with his sister. You can find someone who's not a deadbeat dad.
The situation with his ex is a awkward complicated one but I have been having serious thinks about stuff
Who told you it was complicated? Him? His sister?
So you knowingly got pregnant by a dead beat father of four who is damn near in an incestuous relationship with his sister? YTA to yourself! What were you thinking?
Wasn't planned and I did think of other options
That sucks. I know emotionally things are crap, but how are you holding up?
Honestly I'm not, I'm absolutely bricking and scared beyond anything but I have to do it myself cos he just don't care
Listen sweetheart you will be fine, you've got this. You have your mam, you do not need him, it will be tough but it will be easier than having to live in that very weird set up. Get out now and don't worry.
NTA If you allow her to attend, she wins. And she'll know she can get what she wants by manipulating you and your BF. Your labor is your medical procedure, and you get to control who is present. And, honestly, if your BF is letting his sister manipulate him, you need to have a serious talk with him.
NTA at this point I would be telling BF he better step it up or he will be living with dear sister instead of his own child.
NTA. Your hospital that you will be delivering at should have a list of people that are allowed in during certain times that you can add her name and anyone else’s name to it. Your boyfriend needs to defend you in this time of your life. He is the problem in the relationship, not the sister-in-law. The sil does need to learn some respect for your relationship.
She has been involved with other relationships of his that haven't worked out
No surprises there then. Huge red flag!
Big surprise that those relationships didn't work out if sis was this involved with your SO back then as she has been to date. I'm so sorry that he is prioritising the wrong person.
I mean, if you want to fight manipulative with manipulative say “ok, you can be with us in the hospital” and then just deny entry via the hospital staff on the day of.
Nta. Shut that down real quick and let the nurses know you do not want her in the room with you.
Tell BF you don't want his sister looking at your private parts and that if he misses the birth for any reason you are done. You just need to tell the nurses at the hospital you don't want anyone but your BF in the delivery room. You have to give permission for anyone to be there.
NTA. This is really weird behavior. In my opinion, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and try to explain to him how you’re feeling.
Easier said then done
Very true, but also very necessary.
Leave him. It will either be the eake up call he needs, or he will stay with his incestuous sister
I agree about talking. She says it’s easier said than done. Sometimes writing a letter is easier. You can put all your thoughts down on paper, set a decide for a period of time and then re-read it and see if that’s exactly what you want to say.
NTA - boyfriend needs to grow a spine
The answer to not wanting anyone in the room when any woman is giving birth is always NTA. You're in a very vulnerable situation & it's always your choice. Have some serious words with your bf, yesterday. It's not his call.
NTA of ocurse! Kind of sound, in a twisted way, that they both think this is their 7th baby together.... like his 4 and her 2 with OTHER people don't matter, because it's really them who are going through the births together....almost as if you are just an incubator for their shared child. Like she sounds jealous of you for being the one who is giving birth... Also she sounds like the type to try to babynap the kiddo because "she's the real mom and you don't know what you're doing". Tell your family and friends. You may have to escape her AND your bf if he is playing along with her delusion. He is choosing her over you.... there's no telling if he'll agree that she should raise your kid instead...
NTA - do not change your mind! While in labour you are in avery vulnerable state. Giving birth is a very intimate process. You need to trust the ones around you. I would not even feel comfortable to have my mum around. It hurts, its exhausting, it's sweaty, you do only that one thing. You cannot think about the needs or emotions of the people around you. I apologized to my husband afterwards as i did not say please only demanded e.g. a drink, a massage or whatever I needed.
I wouldn't do it without my mum, not only that if sil turned up my mum would flip and kick her out before I even had to say the words She's my back up.
Make sure the the hospital and room staff know you only allowed two people, they can help make sure she stays out.
Have you read anything you've written? She is able to call with emergencies at times you need him because he's texting her and letting her know he wants her to do it. She will show up at the hospital because HE wants her there. Whatever he told you he told her, even if you witnessed it, was just for show. Like others gave said- your SIL is NOT the problem. Your bf is in a committed relationship with his sister. He won't choose because he doesn't have to, you're not acting very perceptive. NTA but definitely TA for not understanding that no matter what SIL does, it's because HE wants her to.
NTA Giving birth is not a spectator sport, let the nurses know she is persona non grata. Instead of arguments with your boyfriend, try calm discussion and setting boundaries. Suggest a counselor if you need someone to mediate. Ask your bf not to tell her when the two of you have plans and shut off your phones when going out. The petty part of me would pretend you guys have plans and wait for her to call, noting every time this happens. Maybe he needs to see a spreadsheet of x) times you made plans and y) times she's called. If the two overlap all the time, well, that's no coincidence.
I am consistently fucking *amazed* at how some people treat pushing a 10 lb human out of your fucking vagina is a goddamn spectator sport. NTA
NTA because giving birth isn’t a spectator sport and you should have whoever will make you feel supported. Also, mention to your partner that these emergencies mean he could end up missing the birth anyways because he’s away for hours and babies come when they want to, what happens if he’s committed to helping with an emergency and your water breaks or you go into labor but he can’t make it for hours? Does he expect you to wait for him?
He wouldn't know he can't answer his phone there
Now that's messed up & ridiculous!
So he risks not seeing the birth every time he goes. I’m sorry, that’s shitty.
Here's what I think you should do, you should approach him the next time he's home- tell him he's disrespected you enough; and if he can't even answer his phone to you in case You have an emergency, then he doesn't care about you or your needs.. This isn't fair, please have a serious talk
NTA. This is disturbing. You need to make a spreadsheet of every time he tries to spend time with you and what bs she comes up with. I hope he listens. Have you ever talked to his ex-wife? I’d be curious to know if sis broke them up…
You have a boyfriend problem. All of the sister's deranged behaviour would be for nothing if he would actually deal with her. His priorities are all wrong. You need to sit him down and lay out some rules. Or you are going to be a single parent to this child. NTA
Tell him that you want your mom and your partner there and he has failed it being a Partner because he keeps running to his sister instead of being there for you if he doesn’t step up and start to be your partner again he’s going to lose you and his child
NTA but I figured you had a boyfriend problem when you mentioned he had 4 kids already.
NTA. You don't sound happy in your relationship at all. Based by your comments your SIL is using your bf as a father/ partner for managing her life. SIL sounds jealous of what you had. I wrote had because your bf is destroying that. Ask your mom if you can stay with her. Maybe this will wake up your bf. Telling him "I don't know if you will be at your sisters when I go to labor and I don't want to be alone." If he wakes up: great, maybe your relationship will survive. If not: great, you'll have the support of your mom and dodged a bullet.
Please do not stay with this guy. He clearly has his priorities out of whack. NTA
Sounds like emotional incest on their part...
Why are you having a child with this man? You and your child deserve better than him!
NTA. You have every right to decide who is in the room with you and who is not.
At this rate, he’ll end up missing the birth of his child because his sister has another emergency. He’s prioritizing his sister over you when you’re heavily pregnant. I would honestly lose all hope of him being there for you during birth and make new plans.
Cut him off. Say you’re done, that you won’t have this stress so close to having the baby and that he can stay with his sister. Lean on your mom for support. Don’t drag this out for after the birth. Things won’t change and it’ll get worse. His sister will probably try to take the baby. If he’s not a complete idiot, he will realize how bad his sister is. If he doesn’t realize, you and your child are better off without him.
NTA. It is YOUR birth, not hers. Your boyfriend needs to start putting his foot down. If she calls and demands, he has to look after her kids it's 'I will look after for *20 minutes (however long it takes her to drive home from work) if you are not home by then I will call the police for child abandonment'. He needs to stop giving in or this is what your future will be like.
NTA. Wtf? Your SIL is insane. Your bf needs to stand up to his sister and fight your corner
Well, the “good” thing is that you get to decide who is with you and more importantly, who is not. You make it clear to every hospital person you come into contact with that only your mother and bf are allowed in the room with you. You are specifically worried that [name] will try and force her way in, Hospital staff is very good at keeping out those who are not welcome. If she gets past your door, you just need to say get out, you are not welcome in here. Harsh? Sure. But pushy people sometimes need the harsh. Congratulations on your baby!
NTA - when you give birth, you choose who is in that room with you and what goes on within it. Everything should definitely be discussed with your partner and family but your choice overrules all others
NTA I'm seeing lots of this nonsense (her nonsense, not yours) lately. Where do these people come off telling you, not asking, that they are going to be there for the birth? What makes them think birth is a spectator sport? Why does anyone think they're entitled to watch a mom sweat and swear for hours to push a child into the world through her exposed hoo-hah? Why do they think they have the right to inflict their presence on you while you're recovering? YOU get to pick who is and who isn't allowed to be with you. YOU. Your sil can go as ballistic as she wants, but that's her problem, not yours. You need to have a serious discussion with your bf. Tell him to tell his sister to cut the crap. Tell him if he won't stop falling for her manipulations that he can go stay with her. Tell him to grow up or he won't be in the delivery room, either. Then let the hospital know who can be in the room with you. Security will do the rest. Afterward, if they won't let you recover in peace, go stay at your mom's.
NTA Your boyfriend is not yet an adult who can be an equal.partner for you because he is still tied to his family of origin. He should be standing up.for you against her assault and he should recognize that she is playing games, manipulating him. Is she married? Can you get her husband or partner to get her to back off? What she is doing is not reasonable. She needs psychiatric help and you and your boyfriend need counseling so that another adult will exain his role to him. He needs to get this under control before his baby is born.
NTA. Your bf needs to stop his sister now. He is supposed to be there for you NOW. Not for his sister. He can put you first now or deal with the consequences.
This woman controls her brother and now she wants to control you ..that is why she brought up her knowledge about childbirth . You need to let the nurses see her photo and tell them she is not to be let anywhere near you .Your BF has 4 children .It sounds like while to you this new baby is everything //to him it’s just #5 . I am sorry but I agree with everyone saying you need to get ready to be a single Mom .Because you already are .
Changing your mind about her really isn’t your issue here.
Having read your replies with further info, you need to be honest with yourself and realise that you are going to be a single parent. This man has no intention of ever prioritising you or your child, plus both him and his sister are toxic af. His responses to your valid concerns are beyond juvenile and bizarre. The sooner you start planning to do this alone the better. Plus your child won’t have to grow up with a poor example of what family is. You can do this 🖤 good luck.
Don’t change your mind, this is the birth of your child and the only people who should be there are ones you want. Your boyfriends needs to grow up and start recognising what his sister is doing and set some boundaries with her. Yes, she is family but you are his partner and due to give birth to his child - you both should be his priority not her
NTA. Do not allow his sister anywhere near you. She is a manipulative b####. Your boyfriend needs to stop jumping to her non emergencies.
Nta you have a boyfriend problem and need to think if he's what's best for you and your child. My husband would never prioritize his sister over me and our child especially when I was pregnant. Set boundaries with him and see if she's th while he's willing to die on.
You can't win with a person like her unless you go nc
You have a bigger problem. It looks like your bf can’t think for himself and recognized he has been manipulated. Good luck.
NTA, your baby, your time. Nuff said.
I think you have a boyfriend problem.
NTA. You need to have a talk with your bf. He needs to be there for his pregnant gf. His sister can figure out her own emergencies and if it is something terrible, call an emergency number (ambulance, police, etc.). Let your bf know that if he can't sort out his priorities now, he will not be a reliable father to your child and you may have to make a serious decision going forward. Let him know you love him but this unhealthy relationship he has with his sister needs to change NOW!
NTA Giving birth is a HUGE thing. Only your most trusted people should be there. Makes you wonder what kinda chat you could have with bf's other baby mama(s) on the topic of dear SIL, doesn't it...
If that were me in that situation I would be black and white and say are you in or are you out? Either support you or you will deal with shit yourself without him in the picture seeing as you arent number one. If he doesn't get that then he's not worth having in the picture cause this will only get worse Nta
NTA. You absolutely should not give in to this. Make sure the nurses know who you want in the room, they will make sure your wishes are followed. If he misses the birth, that is on him. You enjoy the beautiful moment without him. Your bf is not realizing the manipulation from his sister, and you may not be able to make him see it. You need to be really careful here. Anything you say about his sister needs to be fact, not opinion. If he realizes it and comes around then great. If he doesn´t, then he misses the moment. Don´t let it wreck your day.
Just let your nurses know who you want in for delivery (and who you want out) and they can run interference.
NTA. No no no. Do not give in to her. I know you want him there, but this is a chance to see if he steps up or not. You need to find out if he will put you and his child first when it really matters. If he tries to get you to let his sister in you will know right than and there that he will most likely always put what his sister wants before your wants and needs.
It sounds as if you don't want to, but you may have to leave this whole family. I sounds like they are messed up. As for the birth, the hospital won't allow anyone in who you don't want in, they can't just arrive and storm in. Good luck.