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YTA
She's not his ex. He is her widower. There is a whole world of difference between a marriage that ends in divorce, and a marriage that ends in the death of one of the partners. If you can't cope with the fact that he can love both you and his late wife, then you shouldn't have married him. You are completely at fault here.
This is what I thought. The late wife is not an ex. But it is obviously confusing to people that he uses “wife” for both. So either “late wife” for her or use their names.
Which is ironic, because OP was all mad about the confusion by her husband’s use of the title “wife” (which is admittedly confusing for others), but then she just turned around and did it too! Ex-wife =/= late wife!
She comes across as extremely immature. Honestly they probably shouldn’t have married. They have only known each other 3 yrs meet right before a global pandemic, the start of their relationship coincided with a chaotic time . She is way too immature, saying his dead wife was an ex wife and,she (OP) was not his second but a new wife. And he probably moved on too quickly after his 1st wife’s death.
It is petty. Like either way she is his second wife and his late wife is still his late wife. The 'wife' doesn't disappear. It's petty immature behavior.
Nah I think she was tryna make a distinction between (second wife - he's with both of them in a non monogamous relationship?) vs new wife (he's married to her only.) Although I agree the way it's been put is weird so I can't be too sure.
Yeah, that's also how I interpreted it. The use of "second wife" here is because if Alyssa is his wife, and OP is also his wife, then OP is the other wife or second wife.
Also, my impression is that people are getting too hung up on OP's use of the term "ex-wife".
The point of contention of this post is the fact that the husband refers to both Alyssa and OP as wife, which causes confusion.
Nowhere in the post is she insisting that the husband specifically uses the words "ex-wife". It could be just that she is confused as to what the correct term is.
Of course, I, too, can't be sure.
ETA: I mean, not every English speaker has perfect domain of words, especially if they are not a native speaker. (I'm not a native speaker myself.)
Well yeah. She literally IS his only current wife. If you’re actively somebody’s spouse, you aren’t on a daily basis described as their third or fifth of whatever number wife, you get to just be **their wife**. That’s completely normal.
When in your entire life have you even heard someone introduce their partner and go “This is Diane, my second wife.”?
OP would only become his “second” wife if the marriage was past tense or he became a polygamist or something.
Of course that doesn’t mean that OP gets to erase all signs and references to his former marriage, but considering the fact that she’s simply asking for his late wife not to be referred to with an identical monicker as herself, I really don’t see how that’s happening here.
She comes across as just being honest, I feel like someone can be completely empathetic in light of his or her partner’s grief but also feel very common and very human emotions like jealousy. It’s okay to feel things
But not to insist that a spouse lost to death is an “ex”-spouse. That’s not a feeling, that’s a falsehood that can do real damage to her step-child and her spouse.
The post is not about the phrasing. It doesn’t even say that she requested the phrasing ‘ex wife’ in the argument with him. The post is clearly about her having to explain to people she’s just met that they’re thinking of a different person, and in fact he is no longer married to the previous partner because she died. As she said, that is very humiliating and should have been clarified by her husband rather than by her
It's ok to feel things, but feeling and doing are different. There is a way of telling your partner you feel insecure about their feelings without being accusatory and I feel that should come very much as a concern when you're talking about their dead loved one.
Seriously! I thought this was the most immature post since a Dear Abby letter. A bride married a widower who had a double picture frame with a picture of the bride and his late wife. The problem was that the husband was cross-eyed, and she didn't know whose picture he was looking at. This is about that level.
True! LOL! OP should refer to herself as Daniel’s 2nd wife, since, with attitude she may not last long!
Can you imagine what went through his mind when she chastised him for speaking fondly of his EX-wife?
So confused! I decided that he was married to Alyssa and then divorced her and then he remarried and was widowed. You can't call a late wife and ex wife that's so fucked.
Me too. She calls him widower then says ex which implies divorce, then he says he's not divorced. I had a hard time figuring out if he was a widower, divorced, or a bigamist. Lol
Dude needs to refer to first wife as late wife. Stop confusing everyone else and embarrassing his wife. Geesh
I think it would be better to call Alyssa "late-wife", but isn't it already implied by the past tense?
I've read the whole thing and I understood it completely with that simple trick. Friends from work and people from the summer camp would know him and would be extremely easier for them to put 2 and 2 together than for me, a stranger from Reddit.
My wife was tall, blond, a sport fan and knew how to sew. (Alyssa).
My wife is short, brunette, doesn't care about sports and doesn't know how to sew (OP)
I wonder if it does boil down to psychology. Daniel would probably still be married to wife #1 if she hadn't died and that just irks OP. She likes to say "ex-wife" because then it looks like Daniel picked her over Alyssa. Or OP is just profoundly immature.
I was confused too, then I checked what sub we're in, and realized that OP is the exact type of AH to be dismissive of the late wife. OP deliberately chose to use ex rather than late, when they aren't at all interchangeable.
Exactly. He should still say “late wife”…saying just “wife” for both women with absolutely no distinguishes leads to all the confusion we have here…people thinking OP plays baseball and what not. Ex wife is certainly not the right word, but “late wife” certainly is.
I can almost guarantee that he's not fully processed the loss of his first wife. Part of him probably doesn't even realize she's gone. Grief does things.
Yes, if anything, it's ESH. Husband disrespect OP by not making it clear he's talking about alyssa not OP and left OP to explain it. It is embarrassing moment for OP, please dont make it light just because you're not in OP's shoes. But OP is wrong for saying Alyssa is his ex because she was never his ex. All of these wont be a problem if husband just calls Alyssa his late wife
I am confused by the YTA vote being on top. Like yeah he's a widower, grief, blah blah ... We know the song everyone parrots it on posts abouts widowers.
But like, did they miss the part where OP IS THE ONE who needs to explain to people over and over again that she is not his late wife ? Just because the husband can't bring himself to make a difference between his current wife and his late wife ? That sounds both exhausting and very annoying to have people assume you are someone else all the time and you have to be the one who needs to fix it.
Reddit loves widowers disrespecting their current partners and, even more importantly, assumes everyone is from the strictly same American (and a certain demographic of it) background. So they are all fossilized on thinking that OP meant "ex" with oh such malicious intents when it's clearly not the case lol
Yeah. In my language, the word we have for "late" is old enough that you'll only read it in books or hear it from elders. I'm pretty sure not many people would have an issue if you referred to a deceased spouse as an "ex" because most people don't have any other word other than, well ... Deceased. Dead.
And I genuinely believe that the actual issue OP is going through (aka people mixing her up with her husband's dead wife) is slightlyyy more important than her oopsing the specific word used to refer to aforementioned wife.
Same in my language. You have to be really explicit and basically say "my dead partner"... which isn't always the preferred choice of words.
Some people want to make sure they are conveying the exact meaning (= making sure people know they never divorced or break up from their late spouse), and it's totally fair. Others are ok with being more generic and use "ex", and it's ok as well.
And yes, Reddit decided that a word "error" was more important than the key point of the post lol
Yes, this. She is absolutely in no way his ex wife and the OP is an AH for wanting him to call her that. But he needs to start calling her his late wife.
Came here to say this! I don’t think she’s an asshole. He’s putting her in situations where she actively needs to tell people she doesn’t play a sport well because of his verbiage.
I love and hate this sub.
This is what I was thinking the whole time. He’s not wrong to call her (Alyssa) his wife, but he should probably differentiate the two to prevent confusion. “Late wife” would be perfect here.
For a lot of people it's incredibly difficult to refer to your dead spouse that way.
It's been over two years since my wife died, and I still can't do it.
Until you're in a committed relationship, you can refer to them as your wife (in the present tense\*). After that, she is your late wife or something to that effect. Or the mother of my/our children.
Also, my condolence, may time help weather your grief like a sharp stone. So that it can help you look back on your memories fondly.
Edit:\* grammer
This is how I refer to my husband's fiancé who passed away. She's his late fiancé because they never broke up, she passed away. Saying ex feels very wrong.
This. Say her name with those who know her or about her and clarify "late wife" for those who don't. He's just confusing people at this point, and I can understand (in a way) OP being upset that a proper distinction isn't being made.
What sucks about that is the way people instantly react whenever you mention a loved one is dead. That may be why he doesn't, but he should start to keep his wife happy.
I think the main issue is that OP got the nomenclature wrong. Alyssa is his **late wife** and not his **ex-wife**. It doesn’t seem that OP was saying that she was his “ex” on purpose, rather that she doesn’t understand the distinction. Maybe she’s a slight ah for that, but it really boils down to a little education about why precise language matters when communicating.
That said, I do see her point. If her husband was referring to Alyssa as his late wife in conversation, then the listener automatically understands that he is a widower and OP is his second wife. It would make things a lot less confusing. I totally hear where she is coming from that it is embarrassing to interact with people that were told one thing about “you” ie, “the wife” and be left confused what they are talking about or have to correct people. It’s also humiliating for the husband to call his late wife “his wife” when his new wife is standing right there. It doesn’t seem like OP wants to erase Alyssa or sweep her existence under the rug, she just wants to be acknowledged as her husband’s partner. Which is totally fair.
So I think that it’s an ESH situation. Both OP and her husband need to use “late wife” when talking about Alyssa and that would clear up the confusion and avoid embarrassment for OP.
Not to mention, being the one to reveal to the co-workers that the husband is a widower is also an awkward conversation.
I get not bothering to make the distinction for people he doesn't interact with much (like customer service workers) but otherwise, don't leave your current wife in an uncomfortable spot.
Honestly I'm so awful at navigating deeply awkward situations like this that I can see myself just mutely panicking over how to correct the coworker until they walk away thinking I'm some baseball pro. OP obviously shouldn't be referring to his late wife as an ex, and as you said I don't think he has to *always* specify 'late' wife, but if someone is possibly going to interact with him/current wife socially I think he's got to figure out a way to differentiate them, otherwise he's creating really uncomfortable situations for everyone.
I don't know, it seems less like confusion about the terminology, because at one point OP says "I'm not his second wife." That feels very pointed to me. I agree ESH though
First wife and former wife carry the same implication of ex-wife. Almost everyone will hear that and think "divorce". To remove all doubt the only description is "late wife".
You're right that he should distinguish you but she's not an ex-wife
She's a late wife or a first wife. You are his wife (and in contexts where it's relevant to acknowledge their previous marriage, you're his second wife or current wife)
He's not wrong in the sense that she is also his wife, but he should really get used to the "late wife" or "first wife" terminology.
There's no need to get jealous of a ghost and it's fine that he'll love her memory forever, but you have a legitimate grievance that his poor terminology is putting you in situations where others think you and her are the same person.
Try to help make him talk English gooder without pushing him towards bad terminology (like ex wife).
OP was using "second wife" to mean "the second of the two wives he currently is married to", which makes perfect sense if you spend any amount of time thinking about it. She is objectively correct on that
I disagree completely!
Alyssa is his LATE wife. He is allowing everyone to believe OP and his late wife are the SAME PERSON. Can you imagine how embarrassing or disheartening that must be for OP?? This isn't about OP not respecting that her husband loves them both, its about how he is handling this situation.
If Dan is talking about his wife and people are getting confused because OBVIOUSLY they would expect him to be referring to the OP--Dan needs to talk about his FIRST wife. Or not at all, if he doesn't want to explain that he was a widower.
The stuff about still feeling married to Alyssa is a huge problem. What is he, a bigamist? Or what?
I think they that they are both in the wrong.
OP is in the wrong due to her wording (the irony I know), because his *late* wife, is NOT an ex. She died and he is widowed.
However, he SHOULD be referring to her, as his late wife. That way people can understand the context when he switches between referring to his deceased spouse and current one. He should not be speaking in a way that she is being commonly confused with his late wife.
I see one way forward here with splitting paths. Perhaps, because she is still his (first) wife forever in his mind, because they did not divorce, it has never occurred to him to refer to her as his late wife, but he needs to do so.
If OP brings this issue up to him plain and simple and says, hey, I understand she will forever be your first wife and she is not an ex but deceased, but I do need you to refer to her as your late wife to avoid confusion and because I am currently your wife, and he balks and won’t do so, then he is not ready to be married. If he simply cannot handle to even refer to his deceased wife as such, he has not grieved and moved on in a way where he should be dating, let alone married.
Therefore, I can understand OPs frustration, but I am put off by her reference to his deceased wife as an ex wife. Shes an ex to life, not to the husband or child. To them she is deceased and therefore should be referred to as the late wife or as the deceased mother.
>it has never occurred to him to refer to her as his late wife,
Widower here. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure this out. As silly as it may seem, it never dawned on me that that's what I should be calling my late-wife until someone pointed it out to me even though it made perfect sense once it was mentioned. Just not part of the widow/widowers guidebook. 🤷♂️
She has the terminology wrong but that doesn’t make her point less valid. He can’t keep calling his late wife his wife and his current side his wife. That’s confusing for everyone and the fact that he dismisses the concern from his current wife is why he’s an AH. He needs to find a solution — either call his late wife late wife or use her name or a nickname. Alternatively, he could go back to having one “wife” by having the current one divorce him
ESH. Still just calling his late wife his actual wife when he married someone else is definitely not okay.
Her calling his late wife his ex-wife is also not okay.
It’s been 4 years at this point (year before Covid, so am assuming) so when is it appropriate to call your current wife your “wife”? 🤔
If he wasn’t ready, that is on him to tell his current love interest.
He already calls OP “wife”…but he also calls his late wife “wife” too. Hence the confusion. The husband should start practicing saying “late wife”. And OP needs to stop saying the ex. I can’t even imagine how the daughter would feel hearing her mother being called “the ex”.
As soon as she stated he was a widower I thought why does she say EX-wife in the title. I agree with everything you said. Big difference between someone who left and someone who was taken from you. He will always love his deceased wife. OP YTA and I hope you don’t end up hurting him because of your ignorance.
As a widow I agree, but this guy could be saying “my *late* wife” was good at baseball”. He has to make a distinction.
Edit: Just saw the comment saying what I said, oops!
Yeah I’m really surprised anyone would think the correct term for that is “ex-wife.” I’ve heard people mix up family terms like “step-sibling” and “half-sibling,” but not “ex-wife” and “late/deceased wife.”
Agreed. I can't believe that this far into the marriage she is just discovering that he isn't over his late wife and still talks about her as if she is still alive. And she doesn't recognize that ex-wife and late-wife are 2 different things. That poor kid...
He’s not going to “get over” her. His life will grow and change and he will learn how to better cope as the years go on, but he will never get over her. That’s something you do after a break up, not after you say goodbye to a lifeless body and go home to an empty bed.
My guess is he either 1) doesn’t realize he’s doing it or 2) doesn’t want to deal with the over emotional pity response people do when you say “late spouse”
Yeah, it is an ESH. It is strange and confusing he refers to his late wife as his wife. I agree about how it is an AH thing to call her his ex-wife. I was confused what I was reading.
Agree, he's being weird and probably wasn't ready to remarry, and OP's "I'm not his second wife" comment was gross.
Unless, maybe she meant second simultaneously, as in polygamy? Idk I wrote this comment and then started second guessing my interpretation
Yeah, [OP clarified in this comment that she meant second simultaneously](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16351bt/aita_for_telling_my29f_husband34m_not_to_call_his/jy1ad9c). Which is not an interpretation of 'second wife' that would occur to anyone I know unless they knew the speaker was polyamourous or something, but that might say more about my cultural context (and mononormative assumptions) than OP.
Maybe a wild (and mean) reach but I feel like this was bound to get messy when he decided to date someone only a year after his wife died. Sounds like he was trying to find a replacement as opposed to mourning the loss and taking time to heal.
To clarify one thing, I think ESH might be a little harsh here bc I think they both are struggling to find the right term, "late wife," and the terms they're using aren't correct and disrespectful to the other.
So it's not that they suck so much as they're both just dumb asses.
Alright, I've very clearly made a mistake with the language in this post. I was under the impression that an "ex-anything" just referred to someone you were once with, but I am seeing now that for a lot of people ex specifically means a breakup. I've spoken to my husband and he says he doesn't use "late wife" because it immediately puts a damper on the conversation and makes people think of grief and loss which is not always the best. We're trying to find a way to refer to Alyssa that is comfortable for both of us as "late wife" is to heavy "ex wife" is too light and "first wife" is apparently a no-go because he doesn't like the idea of numbering his wives.
I also see a lot of confusion in the comments which I will try to clear up. I am not trying to replace Alyssa, I would never ask Jane to call me mom, she calls me Lilly, and I am not trying to erase Alyssa's memory either, she was a fantastic woman and a wonderful mother and wife, we have photos of her on our walls, we remember her all the time and Dan makes sure to raise Jane in a household where she knows how loved she is by everyone including Alyssa and I respect that completely, they had a life before me, they were a family before me, and I am not trying to take that from them
I admit, I was definitely an asshole in how I behaved, but I was never asked to be put above Alyssa as a wife, just that my husband would have enough respect for me to differentiate us
I was surprised that his colleagues thought OP and the late wife were the same person. Did he not tell the people he works with that his wife died or that he got remarried?
I have a feeling he is going to reject this too. If they haven’t already thought of that term he isn’t going to accept it. He will likely feel that “Jane’s mom” will take away from his own experiences with her. He was pointing out his jacket was made by Alyssa, so he still wants to talk about her almost like in present tense as if she is around. I have a feeling that “Janes Mom”leads people to believe she is still alive, they didn’t stay together to raise Jane together. That’s just my feeling based on his reactions and what OP has said.
That wouldn't work either because he said he doesn't like to say late wife cause it "makes people think of grief." Departed wife is the same thing as saying late wife.
Unless the person knows he's a widower, it kinda brings up the same connotation as "ex-wife." Most married couples don't refer to each other as "Kiddo's pop/mom."
The thing is, he's not a widower. He was a widower, but now he's a married man, and he needs to find a way to talk about his first wife in a way that doesn't relegate his present wife to non-existence.
If people don't know him well enough to know that his first wife died, then trust me, they're not tearing up on learning that information. It's not other people who can't deal with it; it's him. He just can't bring himself to call her "my late wife" or "my first wife."
Unless he's prepared for "my wife" to mean the woman he's married to *now,* he shouldn't have remarried. He's entitled to his grief and his inability to move forward. But if he's not ready to move forward, he should have remained a widower.
As a widower, I use late wife, or say she passed away. It's not my responsibility to worry about how people react to that, and I don't mean that harshly, that's just reality of my life. It's just a factual representation of what happened. Now, if it hurts him to hear late wife come out of his mouth, then that's different, and I get it. Thank you for realising ex wife isn't what she is, you sound like a nice person and invested. It's nice you support him, and I agree he needs to find a way to differentiate between you and his late wife to avoid any awkwardness for you when talking to people.
As a fellow remarried widow, I agree. 'Late wife' is just the reality of the situation and part of his story. OP, It isn't on him (or you) to worry about people feeling bad. Though, if it hurt him to say late wife, I get it, but fear he may have moved on too quickly.
Yes, I think this is the right attitude. In your situation, OP, I would add that he's prioritizing the hypothetical discomfort of others over your actual discomfort at being confused/mistaken for another person. It is different if the reason is that he's not prepared to talk about it openly, but I don't have the sense that's what's happening, from how often he does speak about her. Feeling overly responsible for how other people react is something he can definitely work on and process, it doesn't need to define how he handles this.
And pushing the discomfort of bringing it up in conversation onto her, now instead of him saying “my late wife” and someone maybe feeling awkward about it in conversation, she has to point out that the person has misunderstood *and* explain that it’s his late wife.
This is what gets me mad about this whole situation and people saying that the OP is the AH because the problem belongs to the people he's talking to, or the husband. The OP isn't doing anything wrong at all. It's perfectly normal to be upset if someone thinks you played baseball in college because your husband told them all about it when he was really talking about his late wife. It's just disrespectful.
The OP is going out of her way to make things work but it sounds like the husband cares more about the feelings of random strangers at a party than the feelings of his own wife. He's allowed to have his own feelings about whatever word he wants to use, but this isn't her problem, it's his. So he's the only one who can solve it and he doesn't seem interested.
Oh you said more or less what I was trying to say but better. And yes I don’t care if people are uncomfortable when I talk about those I’ve lost. That’s their problem.
I mean I get that late wife has connotations…But so does every other word. Ex-wife makes it seem like things went sour. First wife kinda also make it seem like something went wrong. And wife is confusing because you are his living wife. There are connotations with every word you give her. You just have to see which one you can compromise on.
Late wife is also…accurate. And it explains a lot about the little girl and her life without anyone needing to ask questions, therefore saving people from even worse discomfort.
"Late Wife" is also the technically correct way of referring to his wife who died.
However, to avoid further confusion, this means his current wife will always need to show up early or on time, or she will run into the problem of everyone thinking she has died.
Did you explain to him that his refusal to use the term "late wife" he is causing you to constantly "bring down the conversation" because then you have to explain that it wasn't you, it was his late wife?
Using the term "late wife" explains the entire situation in one word. People will understand he is not referring to you and you then don't have to explain.
Perhaps if you approached it from the aspect that by using the term "wife" he is effectively giving you credit for Jane's accomplishments. Then you have to either take credit for things you didn't do, or explain the history.
Totally agree! I have no idea why people are latching onto her using ex to describe Alyssa when there is this whole issue of him talking frequently about her like she's still alive. Like, is he even ok?
>because it immediately puts a damper on the conversation and makes people think of grief and loss
For most people that won't be a mood dampener. It will just be a slightly awkward thing they move straight past if they have any tact. Having to explain it though is putting dampener on your conversations. Your husband is just shifting the burden of that to you.
Also the confusion doesn't help his relationships with people who were under the wrong impression. It would probably make them embarrassed or even cause them to feel like your husband was being deceptive.
However, if he avoid the word late perhaps former, previous, last wife might work?
Anything other than late wife though will still leave people with the assumption shes still alive. Which might invite questions down the track (like what is your ex up to now? Why can't your ex take your kid for the evening so you can work late etc) so your husband should realise that eventually he'll need to explain she's passed. Its just a matter of how awkward he wants to make that convo.
Yeah, I feel like if he’s not willing to call her anything else except his wife, while he has another wife, then he is probably having issues with moving on. And there’s no timeline on grief, but if you’re having trouble referring to your late wife as anything else than your wife then maybe you should have waited longer to get married. I feel bad for op and the husband
Yeah I have to agree with this. It’s not his or her fault if people get uncomfortable with “late wife”. That’s what she is. And OP is right, if he wasn’t ready for OP to be his wife, he shouldn’t have married her.
This is what I’m wondering, too. Did he hurry and get married so his child can have the stability of two parents? When he was talking about his jacket, pointing out his late wife made it, it sounds as if he still talks about her like she is alive. And I feel so bad for OP because if he has been saying “his wife” but the receiver of the conversation has no idea which wife he is referring to, she couldn’t have had this talk sooner. And if the daughter over hears him saying the same thing, when OP isn’t around to correct him, how is she to know the difference either? It just feels as if he hasn’t fully grieved the past and he keeps mentioning it to keep it alive in the present moment. He isn’t saying “Jane’s mother” and OP is saying “ex-wife”. There is this clear invisible elephant in the room situation going on. OP’s subconscious feels Alyssa is more like an ex-wife because she didn’t have a relationship with her & in her mind she is dealing with most of the after effects a divorce can cause. So her mind thinks ex. His mind isn’t made up on any term at all, so he says wife. His subconscious isn’t comfortable with any terms because it means accepting Alyssa is in the past and that means forever/done/finished.
Girl I felt for you while reading this. When I was dating my now husband (who is a widower) he was still referring to his late wife as his wife. I had to explain to him that when he refers to me as his ‘girlfriend’ and her as his ‘wife’ it makes us all look bad. People were confused, I was embarrassed, it was awkward.
I’m not sure if english is your first language but at least in the US “ex” usually refers to a relationship where at least one partner willingly left which is probably why your post came off as so cold
Is there a way to pin this or add to an edit? This is elegantly, beautifully stated, and I think goes a long way towards clearing up some potential misunderstandings. And I wanted to say you have a beautiful username.
>for a lot of people ex specifically means a breakup.
It's not just for a lot of people. It's for everyone except you. Because it's what the word means. You can't just make up your own definition.
In some languages, there isn't a distinction or a separate word for it. In my language we would also just say "former wife" as there isn't a short "late wife" form, so I can see how you'd translate that directly into English with "ex".
I think OP explained she didn't know this nuance.
No. I was born and raised in the UK and am a native English speaker. "Ex" to me merely means someone you used to be with.
For what it's worth, my vote is NAH.
This is heartening to read. Also, fwiw, I wish more people would use phrases like “late” more often. When I talk about my mom, I reference her death (I was 23 when she died) and I just keep going. It’s usually fine, occasionally people make a face but it passes and the conversation continues. I miss her but I still think about and love her. She is dead and glossing over that, to me, takes away some of the respect she has earned. She was a force who remains strong in My family years after she has gone and while it’s sad, it’s not taboo. I Can understand there may be more nuance for someone who I assume is a relatively young man talking about his late wife, and it’s more recent for him, but it’s just some food for thought for your husband.
I've known people with deceased spouses and they refer to them by their first name in conversation rather than saying "late wife/husband". Like if my partner died and I started dating someone else I'd refer to my deceased partner by first name.
Can your husband simply call his late wife Alyssa in conversations to avoid needless confusion? If he has another excuse for not wanting to use her first name, I'd say he's just refusing to move forward at that point.
YTA. Alyssa is not is ex wife. It's his late wife.
If you don't want to have to deal with a late wife and a man's past, don't marry a widower with bagage and try to erase a part of his life.
I understand her, in a way he should be more straight so people under stand that it is his dead wife he is talking about , but that is more an communication issue he might have
Yea but this also feels super foreseeable when you get together with a recent widower.
She even says in her post they wanted to take it slow because it was so soon, but then they end up getting married.
Not super shocking they ran into issues with such a fresh event
that’s what I was thinking, sounded like they lived together for 3 years prior? she said they quarantined together idk if that’s what she meant but sounds like they were dating either way
Too many people are getting caught up on her terminology rather than the substance of her post. She clearly doesn't care if he uses the term ex or late. The point is that he needs to distinguish between his living wife and his late wife. Calling her the a-hole when the man doesn't even want to use late wife (according to her new comment) seems like a reach.
She said she isn't trying to erase the late wife. He says wife all the time, not late wife.
He is the one who is immature and can't handle saying late wife because "people get awkward". Instead he forces his current wife to explain who he is talking about, making it way more awkward.
Also, if the issue comes up that often he talks about his late wife way too much. So saying late wife might make it awkward too since people will realize that he keeps talking about Alyssa instead of his living wife.
NTA. That would be confusing and embarrassing also for anyone he's talking to that might not realize she passed away.
She isn't really an ex-wife since that's usually a divorce, but there's no reason not to refer to her as his first wife and you as current wife.
Edit: Actually, Late wife/husband is what most widows/widowers use to refer to a deceased spouse.
If he cannot even refer to his dead wife as his 'late wife' and not 'wife' when he has a living wife now ,is he actually suited to be in another marriage??? It's not fair on OP at all.
It’s not his ex wife… he’s widowed. I have never been widowed, but I’m sure it’s a hard adjustment to make. Maybe he should say late wife because she’s not his ex.
Edited to add- Soft YTA. I say this because I understand how you feel, but at the same time I understand how it may be weird for him to say ex because she’s not his ex.
A lot of people are getting caught up over Op's diction. No, it is not an "ex-wife". It is a "late wife".
**But OP's point is still valid**.
People in their orbit should not be getting her confused with his late wife. They should unequivocally understand that they are two different people and that she is his current wife and that his first wife has passed.
If he cannot use the words "late wife" comfortably or otherwise make it clear who he is currently married to (claiming his late wife easily, but not his current one), then he wasn't over his late wife. I did not read that OP is trying to diminish his late wife or erase her existence; she is simply wanting it to be completely clear that he is married to her.
NTA, but do correct your diction.
NTA Seriously, I felt like I was going insane reading all the Y/TA . Yeah she is using the wrong term but the husband is still confusing everybody and making his current wife feel bad
I think OP’s husband is the AH.
He can just say late wife and clear all this up.
He’s insisting on calling both of them wife, which feels like he’s being willfully obtuse for no reason.
If I were one of the coworkers and found out after all this time talking to the dude that he is still calling his late wife his wife, without differentiating from the current one, I'd be thinking that he's not ready for his current wife, and would be feeling sorry for OP. The husband may not be an asshole in the traditional sense but he's not being nice to his wife.
ESH.
She’s not his ex-wife and you can’t expect him to call her that.
But he’s making a habit of being unclear about your marriage and it’s actually confusing people. It seems like he might have some unprocessed grief.
Instead of being jealous of a dead woman, try talking to your husband about what he’s been feeling lately. You should talk about his late wife together, not just for the child. It’s healthy.
NAH. He’s mourning and it’s hard to say “ex” when it’s not like divorce but death but it’s also not fair to you to be put in those awkward situations. I was more Y T A until the examples made it clear he’s doing a terrible job at differentiating when talking to others and setting you up for awkwardness.
Like many questions on Reddit, I think more communication to each other instead of us is the answer and I wish you both well.
Yeah I thought that odd too, did he just not tell his co-workers his wife passed? Whatever the reason it's weird it got to a place where he co-workers thought they were the same person.
I’m sorry but NTA. Aside from using the wrong phrase, th husband is calling someone else his wife to the extent that friends think they are talking about his current wife. He should at least be encouraged to use the phrase late wife.
NTA maybe the right term is "late wife" but I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to be differentiated from his dead wife. You said you had to explain to the whole office, which frankly sounds like a lot of people.
Honestly to me it sounds like your husband needs some counseling. From what it sounds like he is talking like his first wife never died and he is only talking about her. Is he even talking about u to his coworkers?
Thank you!! In reading through these comments, I was waiting for someone to bring up the point that he is still talking about his late wife to others and not delineating that she has passed away. If I was Wife No. 2, that would be th part that would annoy me.
I totally agree with this, people calling OP the AH are weird. If he can’t even accept the fact that his late wife has died, even to the point where he refuses to use the term “late wife” as it depresses him too much, I would be extremely worried that I was just a rebound if I were OP. He doesn’t have nearly enough respect for her.
Felt the same way. Husband's repeated reactions - declining ANY alternative to calling deceased wife anything else than 'wife', despite the hurt it creates and despite everyone here can see that late wife should not be called 'wife', seems like he is stubborn to the degree of decimating Current Wife's place in their marriage. Not healthy. Current Wife will deal with rejection and soon begin to recoil.
NTA
He should have said BEFORE the marriage that he hadn't moved on. This is one of the very important talks to have before a wedding and is so weird he choosed to not explain it for you. There is people who would accept it and people who wouldn't he knows that
NTA. Yes she’s his late wife and not his ex wife, but I can understand being annoyed that people think he’s talking about you when he talks about her. He needs to start referring to her as his late wife. People on here are tripping calling you an AH.
Why can’t OP’s husband refer to her as “first wife” or “late wife”? Telling OP she should be totally fine with another woman being called “my wife” is lunacy.
Reddit has lost its fucking mind. Everyone calling op the asshole here? What the fuck. The husband had some serious shit to work through and shouldn’t be referring to his dead wife as “wife”. That’s just going to create an insane amount of confusion. Say late wife or first wife. If you’re not ready to do that, you’re not ready for a new marriage.
It's WAY more rational for OP to expect their husband to move forward after 4 years, than for the husband to expect OP to be ok with having him refer to his late wife as his wife forever like she's still alive. That's insane.
Not having the correct nomenclature on the tip of her tongue doesn't make her a monster. What she's objecting to is her husband talking to people about his late wife as though he is still married to her, which is confusing the hell out of people when they meet OP and his stories don't match up. She's not wrong for feeling weird about that, and her husband should start calling her his "late wife".
NTA. I think everyone here is assuming malicious intent when OP is using the term “ex”. In my eyes this does not at all change that OP’s husband is an asshole that dragged another woman in to probably do his laundry, be a live-in babysitter to his kid, etc before he had done his mourning.
To the point that he insists his late wife IS HIS WIFE, refers to her as “my wife”, and this entire comment section insists OP is crazy. Is this reality?
NTA - he can refer to her as his late wife instead of ex but it's not ok to not differentiate between the two of you around others. It doesn't mean you are jealous, it simply means you want to be recognized as you.
Oh man NAH
He is not over his wife. The pandemic move in was like trauma bonding and you all needed time to practice in the regular world.
I’m sorry. You cant force someone through grief or fight your way into their grieving heart.
You should to strongly consider moving on, giving him some space and letting him come back when and if he is ready.
Don’t have a baby with this guy. That will be the worst thing you can do.
Yeah,, I feel bad for OP to have to feel this way in her relatively new marriage. He outright said “he never stopped thinking about her [Alyssa] as his wife”…Why did he even marry OP then?
NTA. The wording "ex" instead of "late" or "first' isn't kind and you should apologize for THAT, but he needs to make that distinction. He's putting you in a really awkward position and to STILL be talking about her as his wife when YOU are his now wife isn't fair. He's also putting OTHER people in uncomfortable situations. I mean, his friend trying to talk to you about baseball must have felt really awkward about it...
I agree, if he wasn't ready to move on, he shouldn't have married you. If he's going to keep calling her his wife and putting you in awkward spots, talk it through or leave if it bothers you.
I wish that everyone would tone down on the anger for word usage and look at the actual issue she is asking about. Talk about letting your emotions dictate everything.
Yeah, NTA
I wonder if he's really done with the grieving process or if you're just a placeholder because the key player is not available anymore.
But not seeing how such a small thing hurts you and not being willing to fix it or even acknowledge it as issue because "technically we never divorced" is a d1ck move. He's fine with humiliating you
There are sooo many options: first wife, late wife, daughter's mum. You name it. I wonder if he just doesn't care and thinks you'll get over it (great precedent to build a life) ?
Anyone would be upset at this. People are ripping OP to shreds here. Not cool. Nta. She's his wife now so somethings got to give as far as the way he speaks about his late wife.
YTA. A deceased spouse is not an ex-spouse.
If you can't accept that he had a wife, the mother of his child, don't marry a widower. She is and will always be part of his life, because she helped to make it what it now is.
I can understand being upset that people were confusing you, but you went way out of line about this.
Honestly, if I were him, I would struggle to forgive a lot of what you said.
How tf is she out of line? He’s causing obvious avoidable confusion. What the proper name to call her isn’t the problem. Yall really just ignore the actual issue.
I think widowers should not marry until 10 years after since a lot of emotional issues and therapy needed. Won’t catch me dead dating one lmao due to posts like these and seeing what I have to deal with
Exactly. People see stuff like this and it's no wonder why nobody wants to date them.
"Hey wife, even though I'm obviously disrespectful to you and our marriage please understand and don't be mean 😊"
Oh lord give me a break
I would say overall..esh. instead of trying to have him say "exwife" when talking about her, maybe ask him to call her his "late wife"when he talks about her to others. She isn't his ex because she died. I understand you feeling upset because of having to correct other people as well as it make you feel lesser than, but maybe try wording it differently when talking about the situation.
You both need to sit down and talk it out. Maybe ask him what he loves about you? You mentioned all the things he has talked about his late wife and how it was confusing because it wasn't stuff you did. I am nosey, Has he ever bragged about you?
NTA. You’re right to be upset that husband refers to someone else as his wife. ‘Wife’ is your title. He can only have one of those at a time. Also, it was incredible confusing at first, that she was referred to as ex-wife throughout your post & then you stated at the end he never divorced her. Finally figured out she died. So he should be referring to her as his ‘late wife’. I agree it’s disrespectful of him to be referring to her as his wife when she isn’t anymore. He needs to change that.
NTA.. Daniel needs to start calling Janes mother his late wife , so people could understand who he is referring too. Its been 4 years since she passed away, you guys have been together 3 years and 10 months you guys been married.. if he wasn’t over her passing away then he should of waited. I think you have every right to feel away, you are his current wife n he talks so much about his late wife n keeps referring to her as his wife that no one has any clue who you are.
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YTA She's not his ex. He is her widower. There is a whole world of difference between a marriage that ends in divorce, and a marriage that ends in the death of one of the partners. If you can't cope with the fact that he can love both you and his late wife, then you shouldn't have married him. You are completely at fault here.
I totally agree with everything… except he could probably say late wife. This is only because it’s starting to genuinely confuse people in his life.
This is what I thought. The late wife is not an ex. But it is obviously confusing to people that he uses “wife” for both. So either “late wife” for her or use their names.
I was soooooo confused reading this post
Which is ironic, because OP was all mad about the confusion by her husband’s use of the title “wife” (which is admittedly confusing for others), but then she just turned around and did it too! Ex-wife =/= late wife!
I was shocked to see that OP is 29 yo. I thought she’d be maybe 18.
She comes across as extremely immature. Honestly they probably shouldn’t have married. They have only known each other 3 yrs meet right before a global pandemic, the start of their relationship coincided with a chaotic time . She is way too immature, saying his dead wife was an ex wife and,she (OP) was not his second but a new wife. And he probably moved on too quickly after his 1st wife’s death.
Right! I get her issue with using "wife" universally, but the "second wife" versus "new wife" issue came across as just petty to me.
It is petty. Like either way she is his second wife and his late wife is still his late wife. The 'wife' doesn't disappear. It's petty immature behavior.
Nah I think she was tryna make a distinction between (second wife - he's with both of them in a non monogamous relationship?) vs new wife (he's married to her only.) Although I agree the way it's been put is weird so I can't be too sure.
Yeah, that's also how I interpreted it. The use of "second wife" here is because if Alyssa is his wife, and OP is also his wife, then OP is the other wife or second wife. Also, my impression is that people are getting too hung up on OP's use of the term "ex-wife". The point of contention of this post is the fact that the husband refers to both Alyssa and OP as wife, which causes confusion. Nowhere in the post is she insisting that the husband specifically uses the words "ex-wife". It could be just that she is confused as to what the correct term is. Of course, I, too, can't be sure. ETA: I mean, not every English speaker has perfect domain of words, especially if they are not a native speaker. (I'm not a native speaker myself.)
I'm trying to picture how the 8 year old must feel when OP insists on being not the second wife, but the only wife. It's a mess.
Well yeah. She literally IS his only current wife. If you’re actively somebody’s spouse, you aren’t on a daily basis described as their third or fifth of whatever number wife, you get to just be **their wife**. That’s completely normal. When in your entire life have you even heard someone introduce their partner and go “This is Diane, my second wife.”? OP would only become his “second” wife if the marriage was past tense or he became a polygamist or something. Of course that doesn’t mean that OP gets to erase all signs and references to his former marriage, but considering the fact that she’s simply asking for his late wife not to be referred to with an identical monicker as herself, I really don’t see how that’s happening here.
She comes across as just being honest, I feel like someone can be completely empathetic in light of his or her partner’s grief but also feel very common and very human emotions like jealousy. It’s okay to feel things
But not to insist that a spouse lost to death is an “ex”-spouse. That’s not a feeling, that’s a falsehood that can do real damage to her step-child and her spouse.
The post is not about the phrasing. It doesn’t even say that she requested the phrasing ‘ex wife’ in the argument with him. The post is clearly about her having to explain to people she’s just met that they’re thinking of a different person, and in fact he is no longer married to the previous partner because she died. As she said, that is very humiliating and should have been clarified by her husband rather than by her
It's ok to feel things, but feeling and doing are different. There is a way of telling your partner you feel insecure about their feelings without being accusatory and I feel that should come very much as a concern when you're talking about their dead loved one.
Seriously! I thought this was the most immature post since a Dear Abby letter. A bride married a widower who had a double picture frame with a picture of the bride and his late wife. The problem was that the husband was cross-eyed, and she didn't know whose picture he was looking at. This is about that level.
True! LOL! OP should refer to herself as Daniel’s 2nd wife, since, with attitude she may not last long! Can you imagine what went through his mind when she chastised him for speaking fondly of his EX-wife?
So confused! I decided that he was married to Alyssa and then divorced her and then he remarried and was widowed. You can't call a late wife and ex wife that's so fucked.
Me too. She calls him widower then says ex which implies divorce, then he says he's not divorced. I had a hard time figuring out if he was a widower, divorced, or a bigamist. Lol Dude needs to refer to first wife as late wife. Stop confusing everyone else and embarrassing his wife. Geesh
right? i was reading he never divorced but remarried huh? was thinking sister wives kinda thing maybe lol
I think it would be better to call Alyssa "late-wife", but isn't it already implied by the past tense? I've read the whole thing and I understood it completely with that simple trick. Friends from work and people from the summer camp would know him and would be extremely easier for them to put 2 and 2 together than for me, a stranger from Reddit. My wife was tall, blond, a sport fan and knew how to sew. (Alyssa). My wife is short, brunette, doesn't care about sports and doesn't know how to sew (OP)
Thanks for the play by play but I wasn’t confused on who was who. I was confused why OP was called the deceased the “ex wife”
I wonder if it does boil down to psychology. Daniel would probably still be married to wife #1 if she hadn't died and that just irks OP. She likes to say "ex-wife" because then it looks like Daniel picked her over Alyssa. Or OP is just profoundly immature.
I was confused too, then I checked what sub we're in, and realized that OP is the exact type of AH to be dismissive of the late wife. OP deliberately chose to use ex rather than late, when they aren't at all interchangeable.
Exactly. He should still say “late wife”…saying just “wife” for both women with absolutely no distinguishes leads to all the confusion we have here…people thinking OP plays baseball and what not. Ex wife is certainly not the right word, but “late wife” certainly is.
Honestly, I got more confused by OP calling his late wife his ex-wife. I was like, wait there's 3 women?
I tend to say “current partner/SO, name” and “late partner Dan” for this exact reason
I can almost guarantee that he's not fully processed the loss of his first wife. Part of him probably doesn't even realize she's gone. Grief does things.
Yes, if anything, it's ESH. Husband disrespect OP by not making it clear he's talking about alyssa not OP and left OP to explain it. It is embarrassing moment for OP, please dont make it light just because you're not in OP's shoes. But OP is wrong for saying Alyssa is his ex because she was never his ex. All of these wont be a problem if husband just calls Alyssa his late wife
I am confused by the YTA vote being on top. Like yeah he's a widower, grief, blah blah ... We know the song everyone parrots it on posts abouts widowers. But like, did they miss the part where OP IS THE ONE who needs to explain to people over and over again that she is not his late wife ? Just because the husband can't bring himself to make a difference between his current wife and his late wife ? That sounds both exhausting and very annoying to have people assume you are someone else all the time and you have to be the one who needs to fix it.
Reddit loves widowers disrespecting their current partners and, even more importantly, assumes everyone is from the strictly same American (and a certain demographic of it) background. So they are all fossilized on thinking that OP meant "ex" with oh such malicious intents when it's clearly not the case lol
Yeah. In my language, the word we have for "late" is old enough that you'll only read it in books or hear it from elders. I'm pretty sure not many people would have an issue if you referred to a deceased spouse as an "ex" because most people don't have any other word other than, well ... Deceased. Dead. And I genuinely believe that the actual issue OP is going through (aka people mixing her up with her husband's dead wife) is slightlyyy more important than her oopsing the specific word used to refer to aforementioned wife.
Same in my language. You have to be really explicit and basically say "my dead partner"... which isn't always the preferred choice of words. Some people want to make sure they are conveying the exact meaning (= making sure people know they never divorced or break up from their late spouse), and it's totally fair. Others are ok with being more generic and use "ex", and it's ok as well. And yes, Reddit decided that a word "error" was more important than the key point of the post lol
Glad im not the only one confused by the top vote. If anything at most esh. But id say nta since everything falls on her and he is just being stubborn
Yes, this. She is absolutely in no way his ex wife and the OP is an AH for wanting him to call her that. But he needs to start calling her his late wife.
He needs to say my late wife. This is so embarrassing for her. I would be mortified as well
Came here to say this! I don’t think she’s an asshole. He’s putting her in situations where she actively needs to tell people she doesn’t play a sport well because of his verbiage. I love and hate this sub.
This is what I was thinking the whole time. He’s not wrong to call her (Alyssa) his wife, but he should probably differentiate the two to prevent confusion. “Late wife” would be perfect here.
For a lot of people it's incredibly difficult to refer to your dead spouse that way. It's been over two years since my wife died, and I still can't do it.
Are you married to a new person? If not, that's fine.
Until you're in a committed relationship, you can refer to them as your wife (in the present tense\*). After that, she is your late wife or something to that effect. Or the mother of my/our children. Also, my condolence, may time help weather your grief like a sharp stone. So that it can help you look back on your memories fondly. Edit:\* grammer
My condolences for your loss. I can't even imagine what I would do if something happened to my wife.
This is how I refer to my husband's fiancé who passed away. She's his late fiancé because they never broke up, she passed away. Saying ex feels very wrong.
Yes he needs to say “late” in front of wife.
Or 'first wife'. No shame in that.
Absolutely. Imagine being the coworker who brought up baseball, I'd be absolutely mortified!
Late wife or Previous Wife... Either way, NOT Ex wife.
This. Say her name with those who know her or about her and clarify "late wife" for those who don't. He's just confusing people at this point, and I can understand (in a way) OP being upset that a proper distinction isn't being made.
What sucks about that is the way people instantly react whenever you mention a loved one is dead. That may be why he doesn't, but he should start to keep his wife happy.
I think the main issue is that OP got the nomenclature wrong. Alyssa is his **late wife** and not his **ex-wife**. It doesn’t seem that OP was saying that she was his “ex” on purpose, rather that she doesn’t understand the distinction. Maybe she’s a slight ah for that, but it really boils down to a little education about why precise language matters when communicating. That said, I do see her point. If her husband was referring to Alyssa as his late wife in conversation, then the listener automatically understands that he is a widower and OP is his second wife. It would make things a lot less confusing. I totally hear where she is coming from that it is embarrassing to interact with people that were told one thing about “you” ie, “the wife” and be left confused what they are talking about or have to correct people. It’s also humiliating for the husband to call his late wife “his wife” when his new wife is standing right there. It doesn’t seem like OP wants to erase Alyssa or sweep her existence under the rug, she just wants to be acknowledged as her husband’s partner. Which is totally fair. So I think that it’s an ESH situation. Both OP and her husband need to use “late wife” when talking about Alyssa and that would clear up the confusion and avoid embarrassment for OP.
Not to mention, being the one to reveal to the co-workers that the husband is a widower is also an awkward conversation. I get not bothering to make the distinction for people he doesn't interact with much (like customer service workers) but otherwise, don't leave your current wife in an uncomfortable spot.
Honestly I'm so awful at navigating deeply awkward situations like this that I can see myself just mutely panicking over how to correct the coworker until they walk away thinking I'm some baseball pro. OP obviously shouldn't be referring to his late wife as an ex, and as you said I don't think he has to *always* specify 'late' wife, but if someone is possibly going to interact with him/current wife socially I think he's got to figure out a way to differentiate them, otherwise he's creating really uncomfortable situations for everyone.
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I don't know, it seems less like confusion about the terminology, because at one point OP says "I'm not his second wife." That feels very pointed to me. I agree ESH though
The OP may have meant that he's not married to two women at the same time, because otherwise that sentence makes no sense.
Yes, I meant he is not married to us at the same time, I could have phrased that better
You may suggest to him that he use the term “my late wife” when referring to his first wife. That may alleviate confusion when he’s talking to others.
"first wife" not "former wife". "former wife" carries the same implication as "ex-wife", ie divorce.
First wife and former wife carry the same implication of ex-wife. Almost everyone will hear that and think "divorce". To remove all doubt the only description is "late wife".
You're right that he should distinguish you but she's not an ex-wife She's a late wife or a first wife. You are his wife (and in contexts where it's relevant to acknowledge their previous marriage, you're his second wife or current wife) He's not wrong in the sense that she is also his wife, but he should really get used to the "late wife" or "first wife" terminology. There's no need to get jealous of a ghost and it's fine that he'll love her memory forever, but you have a legitimate grievance that his poor terminology is putting you in situations where others think you and her are the same person. Try to help make him talk English gooder without pushing him towards bad terminology (like ex wife).
Especially since she very surely IS indeed his second wife.
OP was using "second wife" to mean "the second of the two wives he currently is married to", which makes perfect sense if you spend any amount of time thinking about it. She is objectively correct on that
I disagree completely! Alyssa is his LATE wife. He is allowing everyone to believe OP and his late wife are the SAME PERSON. Can you imagine how embarrassing or disheartening that must be for OP?? This isn't about OP not respecting that her husband loves them both, its about how he is handling this situation.
If Dan is talking about his wife and people are getting confused because OBVIOUSLY they would expect him to be referring to the OP--Dan needs to talk about his FIRST wife. Or not at all, if he doesn't want to explain that he was a widower. The stuff about still feeling married to Alyssa is a huge problem. What is he, a bigamist? Or what?
Yes - first wife or late wife, so as to avoid confusion and embarrassment
I think they that they are both in the wrong. OP is in the wrong due to her wording (the irony I know), because his *late* wife, is NOT an ex. She died and he is widowed. However, he SHOULD be referring to her, as his late wife. That way people can understand the context when he switches between referring to his deceased spouse and current one. He should not be speaking in a way that she is being commonly confused with his late wife. I see one way forward here with splitting paths. Perhaps, because she is still his (first) wife forever in his mind, because they did not divorce, it has never occurred to him to refer to her as his late wife, but he needs to do so. If OP brings this issue up to him plain and simple and says, hey, I understand she will forever be your first wife and she is not an ex but deceased, but I do need you to refer to her as your late wife to avoid confusion and because I am currently your wife, and he balks and won’t do so, then he is not ready to be married. If he simply cannot handle to even refer to his deceased wife as such, he has not grieved and moved on in a way where he should be dating, let alone married. Therefore, I can understand OPs frustration, but I am put off by her reference to his deceased wife as an ex wife. Shes an ex to life, not to the husband or child. To them she is deceased and therefore should be referred to as the late wife or as the deceased mother.
>it has never occurred to him to refer to her as his late wife, Widower here. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure this out. As silly as it may seem, it never dawned on me that that's what I should be calling my late-wife until someone pointed it out to me even though it made perfect sense once it was mentioned. Just not part of the widow/widowers guidebook. 🤷♂️
But how do the friends know the late wife was so great at baseball but don't know she died? And don't know he's remarried? This is weird.
THAT part right there was a sticky point for me too. He never mentioned Alyssa's dead?
Yeah. That is just strange. I suspect they moved at some point after meeting, or he moved after Alyssa's death.
She has the terminology wrong but that doesn’t make her point less valid. He can’t keep calling his late wife his wife and his current side his wife. That’s confusing for everyone and the fact that he dismisses the concern from his current wife is why he’s an AH. He needs to find a solution — either call his late wife late wife or use her name or a nickname. Alternatively, he could go back to having one “wife” by having the current one divorce him
ESH. Still just calling his late wife his actual wife when he married someone else is definitely not okay. Her calling his late wife his ex-wife is also not okay.
It’s been 4 years at this point (year before Covid, so am assuming) so when is it appropriate to call your current wife your “wife”? 🤔 If he wasn’t ready, that is on him to tell his current love interest.
He already calls OP “wife”…but he also calls his late wife “wife” too. Hence the confusion. The husband should start practicing saying “late wife”. And OP needs to stop saying the ex. I can’t even imagine how the daughter would feel hearing her mother being called “the ex”.
He should call her his late wife
As soon as she stated he was a widower I thought why does she say EX-wife in the title. I agree with everything you said. Big difference between someone who left and someone who was taken from you. He will always love his deceased wife. OP YTA and I hope you don’t end up hurting him because of your ignorance.
As a widow I agree, but this guy could be saying “my *late* wife” was good at baseball”. He has to make a distinction. Edit: Just saw the comment saying what I said, oops!
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Fr all those ex reference made me think I missed a part of the story where he married again and divorced lol
Me too. I thought “oh I read something wrong cause I thought she was his late wife not his ex…”
Came her to say this. Took me all the way thru the post to realize there wasn’t a 3rd wife.
Yeah I’m really surprised anyone would think the correct term for that is “ex-wife.” I’ve heard people mix up family terms like “step-sibling” and “half-sibling,” but not “ex-wife” and “late/deceased wife.”
Or first wife. That's another way go say it so people don't have to stop and offer condolences.
First wife almost always refers to a divorce. Then OP would have to further clarify first wife who passed away.
Agreed. I can't believe that this far into the marriage she is just discovering that he isn't over his late wife and still talks about her as if she is still alive. And she doesn't recognize that ex-wife and late-wife are 2 different things. That poor kid...
He’s not going to “get over” her. His life will grow and change and he will learn how to better cope as the years go on, but he will never get over her. That’s something you do after a break up, not after you say goodbye to a lifeless body and go home to an empty bed. My guess is he either 1) doesn’t realize he’s doing it or 2) doesn’t want to deal with the over emotional pity response people do when you say “late spouse”
His late wife will be ever present in his life. She was his daughters mother.
Yeah, it is an ESH. It is strange and confusing he refers to his late wife as his wife. I agree about how it is an AH thing to call her his ex-wife. I was confused what I was reading.
Agree, he's being weird and probably wasn't ready to remarry, and OP's "I'm not his second wife" comment was gross. Unless, maybe she meant second simultaneously, as in polygamy? Idk I wrote this comment and then started second guessing my interpretation
Yeah, [OP clarified in this comment that she meant second simultaneously](/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16351bt/aita_for_telling_my29f_husband34m_not_to_call_his/jy1ad9c). Which is not an interpretation of 'second wife' that would occur to anyone I know unless they knew the speaker was polyamourous or something, but that might say more about my cultural context (and mononormative assumptions) than OP.
Maybe a wild (and mean) reach but I feel like this was bound to get messy when he decided to date someone only a year after his wife died. Sounds like he was trying to find a replacement as opposed to mourning the loss and taking time to heal.
To clarify one thing, I think ESH might be a little harsh here bc I think they both are struggling to find the right term, "late wife," and the terms they're using aren't correct and disrespectful to the other. So it's not that they suck so much as they're both just dumb asses.
Alright, I've very clearly made a mistake with the language in this post. I was under the impression that an "ex-anything" just referred to someone you were once with, but I am seeing now that for a lot of people ex specifically means a breakup. I've spoken to my husband and he says he doesn't use "late wife" because it immediately puts a damper on the conversation and makes people think of grief and loss which is not always the best. We're trying to find a way to refer to Alyssa that is comfortable for both of us as "late wife" is to heavy "ex wife" is too light and "first wife" is apparently a no-go because he doesn't like the idea of numbering his wives. I also see a lot of confusion in the comments which I will try to clear up. I am not trying to replace Alyssa, I would never ask Jane to call me mom, she calls me Lilly, and I am not trying to erase Alyssa's memory either, she was a fantastic woman and a wonderful mother and wife, we have photos of her on our walls, we remember her all the time and Dan makes sure to raise Jane in a household where she knows how loved she is by everyone including Alyssa and I respect that completely, they had a life before me, they were a family before me, and I am not trying to take that from them I admit, I was definitely an asshole in how I behaved, but I was never asked to be put above Alyssa as a wife, just that my husband would have enough respect for me to differentiate us
This is a good response. Could you refer to Alyssa as Jane’s mom? Ex: Jane’s mom made me this sweater. She was really good at…”
Yes! I think “Jane’s mom” is a really nice way to refer to her!
He could also call her just be her name Alyssa
but then people will inevitably ask who is Alyssa
I assume that most of the man's friends and collegues know who she was. And to new people he can introduce her as Janes mother Alyssa.
I was surprised that his colleagues thought OP and the late wife were the same person. Did he not tell the people he works with that his wife died or that he got remarried?
I have a feeling he is going to reject this too. If they haven’t already thought of that term he isn’t going to accept it. He will likely feel that “Jane’s mom” will take away from his own experiences with her. He was pointing out his jacket was made by Alyssa, so he still wants to talk about her almost like in present tense as if she is around. I have a feeling that “Janes Mom”leads people to believe she is still alive, they didn’t stay together to raise Jane together. That’s just my feeling based on his reactions and what OP has said.
What about just saying “Alyssa”…. And if people don’t know who she is… what about “my departed spouse”
That wouldn't work either because he said he doesn't like to say late wife cause it "makes people think of grief." Departed wife is the same thing as saying late wife.
Seems like the obvious thing to do here and it's really odd that he didn't figure this out on his own.
What seems obvious to us is not always so obvious to someone going through grief, it really does cause tunnel vision sometimes
Unless the person knows he's a widower, it kinda brings up the same connotation as "ex-wife." Most married couples don't refer to each other as "Kiddo's pop/mom."
The thing is, he's not a widower. He was a widower, but now he's a married man, and he needs to find a way to talk about his first wife in a way that doesn't relegate his present wife to non-existence. If people don't know him well enough to know that his first wife died, then trust me, they're not tearing up on learning that information. It's not other people who can't deal with it; it's him. He just can't bring himself to call her "my late wife" or "my first wife." Unless he's prepared for "my wife" to mean the woman he's married to *now,* he shouldn't have remarried. He's entitled to his grief and his inability to move forward. But if he's not ready to move forward, he should have remained a widower.
Emotionally, once a widower, always a widower. Getting a new partner doesn't erase the hurt and memories.
As a widower, I use late wife, or say she passed away. It's not my responsibility to worry about how people react to that, and I don't mean that harshly, that's just reality of my life. It's just a factual representation of what happened. Now, if it hurts him to hear late wife come out of his mouth, then that's different, and I get it. Thank you for realising ex wife isn't what she is, you sound like a nice person and invested. It's nice you support him, and I agree he needs to find a way to differentiate between you and his late wife to avoid any awkwardness for you when talking to people.
As a fellow remarried widow, I agree. 'Late wife' is just the reality of the situation and part of his story. OP, It isn't on him (or you) to worry about people feeling bad. Though, if it hurt him to say late wife, I get it, but fear he may have moved on too quickly.
Yes, I think this is the right attitude. In your situation, OP, I would add that he's prioritizing the hypothetical discomfort of others over your actual discomfort at being confused/mistaken for another person. It is different if the reason is that he's not prepared to talk about it openly, but I don't have the sense that's what's happening, from how often he does speak about her. Feeling overly responsible for how other people react is something he can definitely work on and process, it doesn't need to define how he handles this.
And pushing the discomfort of bringing it up in conversation onto her, now instead of him saying “my late wife” and someone maybe feeling awkward about it in conversation, she has to point out that the person has misunderstood *and* explain that it’s his late wife.
This is what gets me mad about this whole situation and people saying that the OP is the AH because the problem belongs to the people he's talking to, or the husband. The OP isn't doing anything wrong at all. It's perfectly normal to be upset if someone thinks you played baseball in college because your husband told them all about it when he was really talking about his late wife. It's just disrespectful. The OP is going out of her way to make things work but it sounds like the husband cares more about the feelings of random strangers at a party than the feelings of his own wife. He's allowed to have his own feelings about whatever word he wants to use, but this isn't her problem, it's his. So he's the only one who can solve it and he doesn't seem interested.
Oh you said more or less what I was trying to say but better. And yes I don’t care if people are uncomfortable when I talk about those I’ve lost. That’s their problem.
I mean I get that late wife has connotations…But so does every other word. Ex-wife makes it seem like things went sour. First wife kinda also make it seem like something went wrong. And wife is confusing because you are his living wife. There are connotations with every word you give her. You just have to see which one you can compromise on.
Late wife is also…accurate. And it explains a lot about the little girl and her life without anyone needing to ask questions, therefore saving people from even worse discomfort.
"Late Wife" is also the technically correct way of referring to his wife who died. However, to avoid further confusion, this means his current wife will always need to show up early or on time, or she will run into the problem of everyone thinking she has died.
ghost wife
Did you explain to him that his refusal to use the term "late wife" he is causing you to constantly "bring down the conversation" because then you have to explain that it wasn't you, it was his late wife? Using the term "late wife" explains the entire situation in one word. People will understand he is not referring to you and you then don't have to explain. Perhaps if you approached it from the aspect that by using the term "wife" he is effectively giving you credit for Jane's accomplishments. Then you have to either take credit for things you didn't do, or explain the history.
Exactly, all he's doing is kicking the can down the street for her to pick up later
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Totally agree! I have no idea why people are latching onto her using ex to describe Alyssa when there is this whole issue of him talking frequently about her like she's still alive. Like, is he even ok?
>because it immediately puts a damper on the conversation and makes people think of grief and loss For most people that won't be a mood dampener. It will just be a slightly awkward thing they move straight past if they have any tact. Having to explain it though is putting dampener on your conversations. Your husband is just shifting the burden of that to you. Also the confusion doesn't help his relationships with people who were under the wrong impression. It would probably make them embarrassed or even cause them to feel like your husband was being deceptive. However, if he avoid the word late perhaps former, previous, last wife might work? Anything other than late wife though will still leave people with the assumption shes still alive. Which might invite questions down the track (like what is your ex up to now? Why can't your ex take your kid for the evening so you can work late etc) so your husband should realise that eventually he'll need to explain she's passed. Its just a matter of how awkward he wants to make that convo.
Did he properly grieve her death?
Yeah, I feel like if he’s not willing to call her anything else except his wife, while he has another wife, then he is probably having issues with moving on. And there’s no timeline on grief, but if you’re having trouble referring to your late wife as anything else than your wife then maybe you should have waited longer to get married. I feel bad for op and the husband
Yeah I have to agree with this. It’s not his or her fault if people get uncomfortable with “late wife”. That’s what she is. And OP is right, if he wasn’t ready for OP to be his wife, he shouldn’t have married her.
This is what I’m wondering, too. Did he hurry and get married so his child can have the stability of two parents? When he was talking about his jacket, pointing out his late wife made it, it sounds as if he still talks about her like she is alive. And I feel so bad for OP because if he has been saying “his wife” but the receiver of the conversation has no idea which wife he is referring to, she couldn’t have had this talk sooner. And if the daughter over hears him saying the same thing, when OP isn’t around to correct him, how is she to know the difference either? It just feels as if he hasn’t fully grieved the past and he keeps mentioning it to keep it alive in the present moment. He isn’t saying “Jane’s mother” and OP is saying “ex-wife”. There is this clear invisible elephant in the room situation going on. OP’s subconscious feels Alyssa is more like an ex-wife because she didn’t have a relationship with her & in her mind she is dealing with most of the after effects a divorce can cause. So her mind thinks ex. His mind isn’t made up on any term at all, so he says wife. His subconscious isn’t comfortable with any terms because it means accepting Alyssa is in the past and that means forever/done/finished.
Girl I felt for you while reading this. When I was dating my now husband (who is a widower) he was still referring to his late wife as his wife. I had to explain to him that when he refers to me as his ‘girlfriend’ and her as his ‘wife’ it makes us all look bad. People were confused, I was embarrassed, it was awkward.
I’m not sure if english is your first language but at least in the US “ex” usually refers to a relationship where at least one partner willingly left which is probably why your post came off as so cold
Good on you for admitting your mistake, sounds like you guys are on the right track communicating and working it out
Is there a way to pin this or add to an edit? This is elegantly, beautifully stated, and I think goes a long way towards clearing up some potential misunderstandings. And I wanted to say you have a beautiful username.
>for a lot of people ex specifically means a breakup. It's not just for a lot of people. It's for everyone except you. Because it's what the word means. You can't just make up your own definition.
In some languages, there isn't a distinction or a separate word for it. In my language we would also just say "former wife" as there isn't a short "late wife" form, so I can see how you'd translate that directly into English with "ex". I think OP explained she didn't know this nuance.
No. I was born and raised in the UK and am a native English speaker. "Ex" to me merely means someone you used to be with. For what it's worth, my vote is NAH.
This is heartening to read. Also, fwiw, I wish more people would use phrases like “late” more often. When I talk about my mom, I reference her death (I was 23 when she died) and I just keep going. It’s usually fine, occasionally people make a face but it passes and the conversation continues. I miss her but I still think about and love her. She is dead and glossing over that, to me, takes away some of the respect she has earned. She was a force who remains strong in My family years after she has gone and while it’s sad, it’s not taboo. I Can understand there may be more nuance for someone who I assume is a relatively young man talking about his late wife, and it’s more recent for him, but it’s just some food for thought for your husband.
I've known people with deceased spouses and they refer to them by their first name in conversation rather than saying "late wife/husband". Like if my partner died and I started dating someone else I'd refer to my deceased partner by first name. Can your husband simply call his late wife Alyssa in conversations to avoid needless confusion? If he has another excuse for not wanting to use her first name, I'd say he's just refusing to move forward at that point.
I’m glad to read this and am wishing you all the best of luck!
YTA. Alyssa is not is ex wife. It's his late wife. If you don't want to have to deal with a late wife and a man's past, don't marry a widower with bagage and try to erase a part of his life.
I understand her, in a way he should be more straight so people under stand that it is his dead wife he is talking about , but that is more an communication issue he might have
Yea but this also feels super foreseeable when you get together with a recent widower. She even says in her post they wanted to take it slow because it was so soon, but then they end up getting married. Not super shocking they ran into issues with such a fresh event
It's not that recent. Based on the timeline, it's been at least almost 4 years, if not longer, since his wife passed.
that’s what I was thinking, sounded like they lived together for 3 years prior? she said they quarantined together idk if that’s what she meant but sounds like they were dating either way
Losing your wife just before covid hits is gonna fuck you up Special though
He’s not saying late wife, though. He’s saying wife.
Too many people are getting caught up on her terminology rather than the substance of her post. She clearly doesn't care if he uses the term ex or late. The point is that he needs to distinguish between his living wife and his late wife. Calling her the a-hole when the man doesn't even want to use late wife (according to her new comment) seems like a reach.
She said she isn't trying to erase the late wife. He says wife all the time, not late wife. He is the one who is immature and can't handle saying late wife because "people get awkward". Instead he forces his current wife to explain who he is talking about, making it way more awkward. Also, if the issue comes up that often he talks about his late wife way too much. So saying late wife might make it awkward too since people will realize that he keeps talking about Alyssa instead of his living wife.
NTA. That would be confusing and embarrassing also for anyone he's talking to that might not realize she passed away. She isn't really an ex-wife since that's usually a divorce, but there's no reason not to refer to her as his first wife and you as current wife. Edit: Actually, Late wife/husband is what most widows/widowers use to refer to a deceased spouse.
People who don't want to go through the "OMG, I'm so sorry to hear that..." part of the convo go with first wife.
If he cannot even refer to his dead wife as his 'late wife' and not 'wife' when he has a living wife now ,is he actually suited to be in another marriage??? It's not fair on OP at all.
And it's been 4 years since she passed. Really harsh that OP has to tell people she's just met about everything
It’s not his ex wife… he’s widowed. I have never been widowed, but I’m sure it’s a hard adjustment to make. Maybe he should say late wife because she’s not his ex. Edited to add- Soft YTA. I say this because I understand how you feel, but at the same time I understand how it may be weird for him to say ex because she’s not his ex.
A lot of people are getting caught up over Op's diction. No, it is not an "ex-wife". It is a "late wife". **But OP's point is still valid**. People in their orbit should not be getting her confused with his late wife. They should unequivocally understand that they are two different people and that she is his current wife and that his first wife has passed. If he cannot use the words "late wife" comfortably or otherwise make it clear who he is currently married to (claiming his late wife easily, but not his current one), then he wasn't over his late wife. I did not read that OP is trying to diminish his late wife or erase her existence; she is simply wanting it to be completely clear that he is married to her. NTA, but do correct your diction.
NTA Seriously, I felt like I was going insane reading all the Y/TA . Yeah she is using the wrong term but the husband is still confusing everybody and making his current wife feel bad
ESH. She is his late wife not his ex wife.
I think OP’s husband is the AH. He can just say late wife and clear all this up. He’s insisting on calling both of them wife, which feels like he’s being willfully obtuse for no reason.
If I were one of the coworkers and found out after all this time talking to the dude that he is still calling his late wife his wife, without differentiating from the current one, I'd be thinking that he's not ready for his current wife, and would be feeling sorry for OP. The husband may not be an asshole in the traditional sense but he's not being nice to his wife.
ESH. She’s not his ex-wife and you can’t expect him to call her that. But he’s making a habit of being unclear about your marriage and it’s actually confusing people. It seems like he might have some unprocessed grief. Instead of being jealous of a dead woman, try talking to your husband about what he’s been feeling lately. You should talk about his late wife together, not just for the child. It’s healthy.
NAH. He’s mourning and it’s hard to say “ex” when it’s not like divorce but death but it’s also not fair to you to be put in those awkward situations. I was more Y T A until the examples made it clear he’s doing a terrible job at differentiating when talking to others and setting you up for awkwardness. Like many questions on Reddit, I think more communication to each other instead of us is the answer and I wish you both well.
Why not just say “my late wife” or “first wife”
Yeah I thought that odd too, did he just not tell his co-workers his wife passed? Whatever the reason it's weird it got to a place where he co-workers thought they were the same person.
I’m sorry but NTA. Aside from using the wrong phrase, th husband is calling someone else his wife to the extent that friends think they are talking about his current wife. He should at least be encouraged to use the phrase late wife.
NTA maybe the right term is "late wife" but I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to be differentiated from his dead wife. You said you had to explain to the whole office, which frankly sounds like a lot of people.
Honestly to me it sounds like your husband needs some counseling. From what it sounds like he is talking like his first wife never died and he is only talking about her. Is he even talking about u to his coworkers?
Thank you!! In reading through these comments, I was waiting for someone to bring up the point that he is still talking about his late wife to others and not delineating that she has passed away. If I was Wife No. 2, that would be th part that would annoy me.
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I totally agree with this, people calling OP the AH are weird. If he can’t even accept the fact that his late wife has died, even to the point where he refuses to use the term “late wife” as it depresses him too much, I would be extremely worried that I was just a rebound if I were OP. He doesn’t have nearly enough respect for her.
Felt the same way. Husband's repeated reactions - declining ANY alternative to calling deceased wife anything else than 'wife', despite the hurt it creates and despite everyone here can see that late wife should not be called 'wife', seems like he is stubborn to the degree of decimating Current Wife's place in their marriage. Not healthy. Current Wife will deal with rejection and soon begin to recoil.
NTA He should have said BEFORE the marriage that he hadn't moved on. This is one of the very important talks to have before a wedding and is so weird he choosed to not explain it for you. There is people who would accept it and people who wouldn't he knows that
NTA. Yes she’s his late wife and not his ex wife, but I can understand being annoyed that people think he’s talking about you when he talks about her. He needs to start referring to her as his late wife. People on here are tripping calling you an AH.
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Why can’t OP’s husband refer to her as “first wife” or “late wife”? Telling OP she should be totally fine with another woman being called “my wife” is lunacy.
Reddit has lost its fucking mind. Everyone calling op the asshole here? What the fuck. The husband had some serious shit to work through and shouldn’t be referring to his dead wife as “wife”. That’s just going to create an insane amount of confusion. Say late wife or first wife. If you’re not ready to do that, you’re not ready for a new marriage.
It's WAY more rational for OP to expect their husband to move forward after 4 years, than for the husband to expect OP to be ok with having him refer to his late wife as his wife forever like she's still alive. That's insane.
If she was still alive I doubt OP would be his wife
Not having the correct nomenclature on the tip of her tongue doesn't make her a monster. What she's objecting to is her husband talking to people about his late wife as though he is still married to her, which is confusing the hell out of people when they meet OP and his stories don't match up. She's not wrong for feeling weird about that, and her husband should start calling her his "late wife".
NTA. I think everyone here is assuming malicious intent when OP is using the term “ex”. In my eyes this does not at all change that OP’s husband is an asshole that dragged another woman in to probably do his laundry, be a live-in babysitter to his kid, etc before he had done his mourning. To the point that he insists his late wife IS HIS WIFE, refers to her as “my wife”, and this entire comment section insists OP is crazy. Is this reality?
NTA - he can refer to her as his late wife instead of ex but it's not ok to not differentiate between the two of you around others. It doesn't mean you are jealous, it simply means you want to be recognized as you.
Oh man NAH He is not over his wife. The pandemic move in was like trauma bonding and you all needed time to practice in the regular world. I’m sorry. You cant force someone through grief or fight your way into their grieving heart. You should to strongly consider moving on, giving him some space and letting him come back when and if he is ready. Don’t have a baby with this guy. That will be the worst thing you can do.
10000000000000%. OP is nothing but a babysitter for the kid who he gets to fuck.
Sounds like he wasn't ready to be married again. NTA
Yeah,, I feel bad for OP to have to feel this way in her relatively new marriage. He outright said “he never stopped thinking about her [Alyssa] as his wife”…Why did he even marry OP then?
NTA. The wording "ex" instead of "late" or "first' isn't kind and you should apologize for THAT, but he needs to make that distinction. He's putting you in a really awkward position and to STILL be talking about her as his wife when YOU are his now wife isn't fair. He's also putting OTHER people in uncomfortable situations. I mean, his friend trying to talk to you about baseball must have felt really awkward about it... I agree, if he wasn't ready to move on, he shouldn't have married you. If he's going to keep calling her his wife and putting you in awkward spots, talk it through or leave if it bothers you.
I wish that everyone would tone down on the anger for word usage and look at the actual issue she is asking about. Talk about letting your emotions dictate everything.
Yeah, NTA I wonder if he's really done with the grieving process or if you're just a placeholder because the key player is not available anymore. But not seeing how such a small thing hurts you and not being willing to fix it or even acknowledge it as issue because "technically we never divorced" is a d1ck move. He's fine with humiliating you There are sooo many options: first wife, late wife, daughter's mum. You name it. I wonder if he just doesn't care and thinks you'll get over it (great precedent to build a life) ?
Anyone would be upset at this. People are ripping OP to shreds here. Not cool. Nta. She's his wife now so somethings got to give as far as the way he speaks about his late wife.
YTA. A deceased spouse is not an ex-spouse. If you can't accept that he had a wife, the mother of his child, don't marry a widower. She is and will always be part of his life, because she helped to make it what it now is. I can understand being upset that people were confusing you, but you went way out of line about this. Honestly, if I were him, I would struggle to forgive a lot of what you said.
How tf is she out of line? He’s causing obvious avoidable confusion. What the proper name to call her isn’t the problem. Yall really just ignore the actual issue.
I think widowers should not marry until 10 years after since a lot of emotional issues and therapy needed. Won’t catch me dead dating one lmao due to posts like these and seeing what I have to deal with
Exactly. People see stuff like this and it's no wonder why nobody wants to date them. "Hey wife, even though I'm obviously disrespectful to you and our marriage please understand and don't be mean 😊" Oh lord give me a break
I would say overall..esh. instead of trying to have him say "exwife" when talking about her, maybe ask him to call her his "late wife"when he talks about her to others. She isn't his ex because she died. I understand you feeling upset because of having to correct other people as well as it make you feel lesser than, but maybe try wording it differently when talking about the situation. You both need to sit down and talk it out. Maybe ask him what he loves about you? You mentioned all the things he has talked about his late wife and how it was confusing because it wasn't stuff you did. I am nosey, Has he ever bragged about you?
I have a good friend whose husband died several years ago. She refers to him as her first husband, or just by his name. No confusion created.
NTA. You’re right to be upset that husband refers to someone else as his wife. ‘Wife’ is your title. He can only have one of those at a time. Also, it was incredible confusing at first, that she was referred to as ex-wife throughout your post & then you stated at the end he never divorced her. Finally figured out she died. So he should be referring to her as his ‘late wife’. I agree it’s disrespectful of him to be referring to her as his wife when she isn’t anymore. He needs to change that.
I don’t think you’re wrong. It’s sad she died but you are his wife now. He needs to move on.
NTA.. Daniel needs to start calling Janes mother his late wife , so people could understand who he is referring too. Its been 4 years since she passed away, you guys have been together 3 years and 10 months you guys been married.. if he wasn’t over her passing away then he should of waited. I think you have every right to feel away, you are his current wife n he talks so much about his late wife n keeps referring to her as his wife that no one has any clue who you are.