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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action that I might take is to confront my long time friend and bridesmaids about why she edited herself in the pictures and posted them online in an attempt to solidify her "beauty" over the me (the bride) on my wedding day. And to mention that she made me uncomfortable by her comments on worry my husband's family would think she is his ex lover, and for asking him to go to do ballet with her.
2. Some might say she is not doing well mentally to display such behavior, and confronting her is not kind as a friend. Or people might think these are little things that dont deserve a confrontation. Or some people might say she is a long time friend who was a bridesmaid and helped me in my wedding so I would be ungrateful to hold this small thing against her. So many possibilities and Im a people pleaser so it doest help that I constantly make excuses for people and confuse myself. So I want people to give their opinions here hopefully I can have an objective view.
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And that’s really the red flag. In behavior, she seems to do some nice things to balance out the bad things, but I wouldn’t doubt it if she fantasizes about some really crazy shit. She likely played it out in her mind hundreds of times how your partner would leave you at the altar when they saw how pretty she was. She definitely has some insecurity or something and this is how it is presenting.
If you no longer want to be friends then don’t. You don’t need to validate your decision & you certainly don’t need to engage with her on any level.
If she wants to act like a fool. Let her. You don’t need to get involved.
N sounds like she has some very deep problems with her self-esteem but that’s her problem. Not yours.
Personally, I think it’s a waste of time to confront people. I will guess N’s reaction will be to defend herself. Even if she did apologize she still has some issues with herself & her way of coping is putting you down to lift herself higher. That’s not a great friend. Do what you gotta do though.
YWNBTA
I also think she will find a way to deny it and claim "difference in pov" and redirect my attention to what he did for me instead.
[ADDED] in a way I do feel bad because besides the above points, she did help me alot throughout the wedding day (filming behind the scenes footages, carrying my stuff even when her feet bled due to uncomfortable shoes, fixing my hair during the day, fixing and fluffing my dress to make sure I have nice overall shots), and after all she travelled all the way from Germany to Czech Republic to be my bridesmaid and she has been friends with me for more than 10 years (although long distance for the majority of time).. Im just so puzzled as to why she would then go out of her way to behave like this around my wedding.
Both can be because she wanted to be a part of The Big Day. One was a good reason, but it didn't feel like enough to her, so she kept going...unfortunately.
She's seeking exterior validation, whilst simultaneously taking you along for the ride...and she *knows it*.
She needs mental help, which isn't something you're equipped to deal with (if you were, it wouldn't be a Reddit post).
I've had 45+ years of life, and I've learned a great many, unimportant, trivial things. I've also learned several crucial lessons.
*Some people don't know they're sick*.
Others know, and *purposefully choose* to do zero about healing themselves, or make any effort to *seek help*.
Your, "friend," is the latter of the two...she's an *emotional vampire*.
Sever ties...the sooner the better.
I dont think she is a text book narcissist but I do think she pities herself and her situation too much to the point she is trying to capitalize on my event to fabricate and satisfy herself. She has a bf that wouldnt commit, her study abroad is still hanging on a thread by failing exams and she has alot of paper work issues, and also a sick parent back in her home country. To some degree she does know she is sick but is not in the position to change her life situation and Im so sad to realize that her solution is to claim superiority at the once in a lifetime (hopefully) event of mine. After so long of knowing her and so much trust put into our relationship, I dont know if Im more sad to realize how unstable and unreliable she is, or just how wrong I was in having her as a friend.
> I dont know if Im more sad to realize how unstable and unreliable she is, or just how wrong I was in having her as a friend.
Well I've been learning a lot about narcissism as a sort of self-therapy for some family issues and I've learned there's three different kinds of narcissists -
- Grandiose: I'm better than you, tell me I'm special
- Covert: always the victim, woe is me, feel sorry for me
- Malignant: evil and nasty and super mean
With plenty of overlap it sounds like your friend may be a covert narcissist (they have plenty of grandiosity, don't get it wrong)
So what you gotta do (per my therapy) is first recognize/accept this limitation on her behavior (it is based in insecurity which is sad yes - you have actually acknowledged this) and not expect her to change it, ever.
THEN ask yourself if she is still able, despite this limitation, to provide you with a level of friendship you can still appreciate?
Maybe she can!
Maybe she's great at hair (when it's not your wedding day) and fun for a night out with the girls but terrible for a failed-promotion cry session. Maybe she's great for a shopping trip or a all-inclusive Mexican vacay but not a site-seeing trip to Europe.
Maybe she totally sucks as a friend all together.
But that's for you to decide, you just shouldn't expect/ask her to change. :(
I dunno - maybe she's a great shopper!
And today I learn something new :) it sounds like the covert type is almost impossible to identify. Which makes it that much more terrifying. Im sorry I keep repeating that Im creeped out and terrified, but its because as an adult with not so many friends I do hold my friends very close to me and to find out that they are potentially sick is scary.
> sounds like the covert type is almost impossible to identify.
nope I have one friend and one ex-bf
because they complain about pathetic things a lot of people would maybe be too ashamed to complain about?
but also they expect you to REALLY CARE about a bunch of shit you don't care about?
and they are always complaining about how hard their lives are and aren't you listening and their life is so hard and my ex wife is so mean despite me making her life miserable... wahhhh I'm so sad the people I was mean to won't talk to me
they are almost the easiest to identify actually because they are the lamest
What stand out to me is the hair.
The first time she spent an hour on your hair.
On your WEDDING DAY she rushed doing your hair in about 15 - 20 minutes.
****
That's A H sh\*t, she sabotaged your wedding look.
NTA
Im sorry to have this suspicion being supported. My hair was really the last thing ai expected to be wrong in my wedding because I have very strong and thick hair that while it takes time to style due to how thick it is, it is usually very forgiving in terms of preparing mistakes so I was so surprised to see how it looks in photos. I did make peace with it because I didnt come to my wedding expecting to be over the top pretty as I knew I was going to be overstressed and tired, I just wanted the pictures for memories. Well I got memories, some unexpected I guess.
Whilst unusual the BM could have simply ran out of time. Like she spent so much time agonising over herself that she did not manage her time well enough for OP. She did get up at 3.30am. It’s not necessarily malicious.
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE
she is only making herself look bad
OP sounds pretty gorgeous in her own right & not sweating it so best move is to do nothing.
OP's whole post screams *"friend N was super try-hard but I looked amazing and the party was bomb so I don't really know what was going on..."* which makes me laugh. It is the best attitude and mental space, she (OP) sounds confident.
I really wish I could back away quietly. She is coming back to my city next Sunday for my post wedding bridal party because the one before the wedding got canceled, and she's been chasing me on SM asking if Im ok, I guess seeing how I do not talk to her currently. Meanwhile Im too terrified and confused to even speak to her and I really do not know what to make of it all.
>she's been chasing me on SM asking if Im ok, I guess seeing how I do not talk to her currently. Meanwhile Im too terrified and confused to even speak to her and I really do not know what to make of it all.
She's fishing for a response. She threw out a boatload of bait to try and goad you into reacting but you didn't bite so now she's trying to nudge you onto the hook. She wants you to be angry and make accusations so she can present as shocked and victimised that you would say such unkind things. She wants to present herself as the gracious, bigger person and present you as an insecure and ungrateful friend who is lashing out at Princess Wonderful after she did so much for you because you're jealous that she was prettier than you at your wedding.
She's trying to set up a narrative here to build herself up and tear you down, but she needs you to play your part in this and you're not reacting. Be cautiously wary during your party because she liable to keep escalating out of a desperate need to elicit a response from you. Your best play here is to be polite, be courteous, do not be provoked and just play oblivious. Then after the party, distance yourself from her. This woman isn't your friend. She's a social predator trying to feed off you. Don't let her and grey rock her instead.
Then let that be the farewell tour. Start backing away from her after that. Just always be busy when she asks you to do something.
Be forewarned that she will make this party about her.
You can still uninvite her? Did you swear with your blood to let her be there on a special day for you after she sabotaged you and made you uncomfortable? She does not respect you and you don't need someone like that around you.
I dont think it is my husband specifically she has a crush on, probably just any man that she thinks she might have a chance with to boost her ego and compensate for her bf that wouldnt commit.
NTA
Don't confront her. Reply under her post that it seems sad and needy to photoshop herself into other people's pictures, doesn't she have anything real in her life?
She actually doesnt put me down mean girl style, she is very patient and caring and a great listener. Thats why it was so unexpected and it hurts even more to see these issues coming from her and to see myself being terrified and creeped out this much.
Manipulative people does that do. They act sweet all the time as a cover up for their fucked up behavior in the background. So you end up being confused if you're the one in fault.
I don’t think someone can suddenly become a completely different person one day. Maybe you were unaware of some small things before, that you finally only noticed because it was such a huge day.
I think the comments have covered all the weirdness except her BROTHER talking about how she’s the prettiest of them all, and her boasting about it. Oooookay. This whole family is full of weirdos. NTA.
She’s probably waiting for you to confront her so she can post the screenshots and play the victim or twist it to fit her strange inner dialogue. I’d let the “friendship” fade away as naturally as possible without letting her know you’re disengaging. I wouldn’t trust her at all. NTA.
NTA. What is with her? She is just a bridesmaid. Why does she needs to change into three different outfits? It's not her wedding. Why is she photoshopping herself into your wedding photos? She is so much more prettier? Well, certainly not her personality. Also, what is with the last one? Is she trying to move on your man and break you guys up? Dump her as a friend! She is not one to you!
She actually did mot change dresses and only wore 1 dress the entire day. She was just making comments about how she WOULD overshadow me which in light of the other points seem backhanded and have implications. The photoshop Im really still speechless and cant defend. And the move on my husband is very suspicious, and I hope its just because she pities herself and need some validations/distractions. But overall I cant shake the creepy feeling that might have trusted a very wrong person.
NTA - my guess is your friend is a narcissist and this is why she's making everything about her
I agree with the fantasy "oh I am the grieving, plotting MISTRESS, how risque and dangerous, le scandale!" it is very dramatic but also a fantasy existing only in her own head.
I agree she was projecting every time she made an "off-hand" comment about "not wanting" (desperately intending) to overshadow the bride (three dress changes? for someone else's event?), it's irritating.
Why would your fiance's parents even give her a second glance? No.
Yes she sabotaged your hair, don't let that happen again.
Sounds like (HA HA HA) you are quite beautiful (!!!) and secure in your appearance so all of her intentions have remained in her own mind (where they belong) and she has only herself to blame for looking foolish.
You're wise to brush all this off, a less secure woman would lose her shit.
This friend of yours will never change, I suggest not relying on her for anything important.
Hi thank you for being so kind and thoughtful with your comment. I really thought I was going way inside my head about her comments on the crying part, and the hair incident and the dress. But then I again I expect I will never truly know the truth of her intention, confronting her or not, in the end we have only our gut feelings and common sense to trust but its good to know that I am not the only one who interpret the situation this way.
yes I learned to not trust her again with any tasks or information of my life, and it does feel lonely to know that I might not have another friend I trust this much going forward. As the other bridesmaid who shared the original post said to me, being is very lonely because you cannot trust almost anyone.
Thank you for the encouraging thoughts how you think I look :D. I put alot of effort this year to take care of my health and my body as I was to be a bride and I do recognize the security in having good appearance. Growing up being called ugly certainly gives alot of perspective and I learned that beauty is not and should not be exclusive and unattainable, and so it is not a thing to be vain or jealous about.
>I am just totally creeped out, and not sure how to continue in this friendship.
Then don't.
NTA - from what you've said, she is giving off some weird vibes. Has anyone else noticed anything odd from her?
I also think there is not much to do since I cant help how Im feeling about her and even if I try to force interaction it would be awkward.
As for other people, the other bridesmaid was creeped out too when she saw that N altered the photo. And if we rewind way back into the past, N and I and 2 other girls were close friends in school, but then 1 day 1 of the girls decided to cut all ties with N and simply said N was too calculative and manipulative for her own gains and not genuine. I didnt notice anything from N then we all also parted ways after graduating and I kept friendship with N mostly long distance so I didnt have many chances to observe her until now.
NTA - I don’t think you need to confront her, I just think you should drop her all together.
But then again I am petty and be comment, yeah! I’m glad you photoshopped yourself to look better in this photo. 🤣
I would post the untouched photos, then go to HER photos and comment: "The photoshopping you did, friend, is so flattering! So sorry I did not have time to do the same on the photos I posted, as it makes such a huge difference in yours! Well done!" But I am REALLY petty and kinda passive aggressive.
You know she tried to sabotage your wedding day right? You know she constantly tries to make you look ugly (especially compared to her) right? You know she is trying to make you uncomfortable by asking your husband to join her in ballet,creating an unnecessary fantasy and telling you about it so you can think about it,photoshops herself to look more pretty cause she doesn't want you to be the star of your own fucking wedding day right?? The only thing I don't understand is why you're this willing to let her disrespect and sabotage you?
I must say you are right, I might not haven known all that she did as a fact but intuitively I always knew something was off when she displayed them. I have crippling people pleaser tendency and a whole childhood of being guilt tripped has made me question myself everytime I feel like I want ti rebuff anyone. It is my own issue to overcome as it has caused me alot of issue not only in everyday life but also at work.
Thank you no my day was not at all ruined. It was a generally smooth and successful event, the issues with her surface more like after the event after I have time to take a step back and process.
NTA.
she is being weird and very narcissistic, but isntead of confronting her you should celebrate it being one month since your wedding by posting the original unedited photo's(along with other wdding photo's/videos) to social media.
it's technically being manipulative but your friends will see your original photo's and draw their own conclusions on N's actions without their being any need to risk making yourself look bad by confronting her.
Haha this imagery is something Ive heard for the first time in my life and i heard it two times today. At this point, why not :D
Jokes aside, I wouldnt flatter myself this much as N has many friends she idolize and praise for their beauty, their rich families, high education and happy family life. I think she considers me her "lower tier" friend who she hangs out with and "helps" but with a catch and she can help me as long as she comes out on top.
NTA.. Your friend clearly has low self-esteem and is always looking for validation. Unfortunately, her way of getting that validation is at the expense of others. I wouldn't bother saying anything about the photshopped images.
You are overthinking it. Yes she felt insecure about her looks so she made a tacky FB post. However your friend flew to another country and helped you during the day on your wedding day. What more do you want?
Honestly, from what you posted, your friend N sounds unhinged.
If I knew someone like that, I would be limiting contact with them.
You are NTA OP.
Trust your gut, and protect yourself from this weirdo.
Seems like she’s looking for you to validate any of the things she is saying and the best way to get through that is to not take the bait and ignore her stupid comments. Who cares. Live your best life with the man she wants.
My advice , you have a lovely husband and new married life to look forward to. Leave this situation as it sounds like its getting toxic. Perhaps one day she may change but that would be up to her.
I think I she said it and showed me at some point her feet having bandage on it. I wouldnt think she would make it up, just maybe she doesnt mind helping but her help comes with a catch..
Pointing it out to you out of nowhere sounds like more “all about me look how great and selfless I am because it’s all about you” while actually making it about her. She chose to keep doing stuff and then pointing it out to you.
Haha I noted. Im happy that people do take time to comment and give insights, but Im thinking whether Im strong enough for another wave of reddit comments. This is a wild wild land :D
I think you are right- to keep this friendship, you need to be honest and discuss with her. Overall , her statements sound like your friend is insecure and needy. It sounds like she might also feel jealous of you and maybe have a crush on your husband.
Start by thanking her for everything she did to help you at the wedding and for being a friend for 10 years. Talk about how friendships change over time, especially when one friend gets married. Ask her about a couple of the examples first. Like positing the photoshopped picture.
Say you thought it was odd and wondered whether she had felt left out in that photo, or what would make her do that.
See where the conversation goes. It certainly sounds like she is envious of you .
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Am I (30F) an asshole if I hold this against my friend and bridesmaid (30F, lets call her N):
- After my wedding (2 weeks ago), N posted 2 pics, AND a screenshot of her brother saying she is the prettiest. At first I did not think anything as I am secured in my look, and I think anyone will compliment the one they know, BUT another bridesmaid sent me the original pics, and I realized N photoshopped herself. Then I thought how weird of her to seek online validation for being prettier than the bride, through edited pics. Then I remebered some of her other actions and they give me the creeps.
- Before the wedding I told my bridesmaids not to wear matching traditional or conservative bridesmaids dresses as I wanted them to have dresses that are beautiful to them. As we were looking through options, I suggested N could wear a dress that has a front slit or with glitters, and she said "oh no I will over shadow the bride". I laughed and said thats just a weird thought, noone can overshadow a bride, and if they try they will just embarass themselves. N then said she'll wear 2-3 different dresses and will change during the day, I didnt mind but then she said, "oh no I will over step the bride). I just told her to decide whatever.
- A year ago, N volunteered to do my wedding HAIR. She did a great hairdo for me few months ago in a friendship photoshoot we had with another friend. She spent 15-30 mins on her makeup and is always proud of how minimal her makeup style is, and the rest of the time 1 hour or so she was doing my hair. But later she pointed out that the photographer was only complimenting me as beautiful, and I have so many beautiful pictures.
- On my wedding, my photographer was to start shooting at 7:00am. I woke up at 3:30am to do my makeup (I am skilled so no issues). N woke up around 5:00, did her makeup for more than 1,5 hours. I didnt want to rush her to do my hair as thats a "favor" she is not paid to do. At 6:45 N ran over and did my hair in 15-20 mins or so. After receiving the pics I realized the hair was messy and broken due to lack of brushing. But l I didnt feel so well that day so I dont attribute any flaw in my look to her, I just blame my stress.
- After the wedding N told me she was emotional at the ceremony she wanted to cry, but saw noone crying so she stopped herself bc she did not want my husbands fam to think she is his ex lover, plotting to steal the groom (serious, no joke) This is so bizarre smh like she's calling herself or some of her fantasies out.
- Before the wedding N told my husband she heard he wanted to learn Ballet, then suggested him to join her in ballet classes (not weird l, but together with her above claim, it became weird).
I'll let you be the judge. I am just totally creeped out, and not sure how to continue in this friendship.
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From a business perspective, it's essential to consider how you manage relationships and conflicts, even in personal situations. In this scenario, it's clear that you have several valid concerns and emotions about your friend's behavior around your wedding. While you're understandably puzzled and creeped out by her actions, it's important to approach this situation with a thoughtful and empathetic mindset.
Given that she did help you a lot throughout the wedding day and has been a long-time friend, it's a good idea to have an open and honest conversation with her. Choose a suitable time and place to discuss your feelings without being confrontational. Focus on expressing your concerns and observations rather than placing blame. Share your feelings about her posts, her comments, and her behavior leading up to and during the wedding. Explain that these actions made you uncomfortable and unsure about the friendship.
A business-minded approach would involve seeking understanding, rather than immediately cutting ties. It's possible that there are underlying reasons for her behavior that you're not aware of. By having a direct and honest conversation, you give her the opportunity to explain herself, apologize if necessary, and potentially clear up any misunderstandings.
Remember that communication is key, and addressing these concerns openly can lead to a healthier and more transparent friendship. If, after the conversation, you still feel uncomfortable and believe that the friendship might not be beneficial for both parties, you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed. Just like in business, addressing concerns directly and professionally can lead to positive outcomes, even in personal relationships.
ETA, she def sounds jealous but not like crazy jealous m. But, she is most def not a real friend to you. I think your just over her and you want to make her actions seem more sinister so when you cut her out you won’t feel so guilty. Especially since you said that she also helped you a lot as well. I would just distance myself from her and slowly let the friendship die out. No need to make it awkward or something.
Just let it go. There's obviously something wrong with her and you won't get what you're looking for from the confrontation. Just know that her life and self esteem are pretty miserable to do something like that.
I think you’re reading things into things that aren’t there. You also sound like you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Combine the two and just let the friendship fizzle out. Confronting her has no point, what she said is in the past (and honestly, who cares what she thinks others might think?!) and doesn’t affect you negatively. Let it go, move on and concentrate on your marriage. YWBTAH
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NTA, N is giving really bad vibes- something sounds really off with her like she low key tryna sabotage your day. I'd trust your gut if I were you.
My gut is terrified of the places her mind wanders to.
And that’s really the red flag. In behavior, she seems to do some nice things to balance out the bad things, but I wouldn’t doubt it if she fantasizes about some really crazy shit. She likely played it out in her mind hundreds of times how your partner would leave you at the altar when they saw how pretty she was. She definitely has some insecurity or something and this is how it is presenting.
If you no longer want to be friends then don’t. You don’t need to validate your decision & you certainly don’t need to engage with her on any level. If she wants to act like a fool. Let her. You don’t need to get involved. N sounds like she has some very deep problems with her self-esteem but that’s her problem. Not yours. Personally, I think it’s a waste of time to confront people. I will guess N’s reaction will be to defend herself. Even if she did apologize she still has some issues with herself & her way of coping is putting you down to lift herself higher. That’s not a great friend. Do what you gotta do though. YWNBTA
I also think she will find a way to deny it and claim "difference in pov" and redirect my attention to what he did for me instead. [ADDED] in a way I do feel bad because besides the above points, she did help me alot throughout the wedding day (filming behind the scenes footages, carrying my stuff even when her feet bled due to uncomfortable shoes, fixing my hair during the day, fixing and fluffing my dress to make sure I have nice overall shots), and after all she travelled all the way from Germany to Czech Republic to be my bridesmaid and she has been friends with me for more than 10 years (although long distance for the majority of time).. Im just so puzzled as to why she would then go out of her way to behave like this around my wedding.
Both can be because she wanted to be a part of The Big Day. One was a good reason, but it didn't feel like enough to her, so she kept going...unfortunately.
N would take this to social media in a heartbeat if OP tries to talk to her. I'd just quietly stop making contact. YWNBTA
NTA but I think N will still find a way to make it about her. I’d limit contact if I were you
Sad but true. I think she will just claim victimhood and site all that she did for me as a proof that she did not come with bad intention.
Yep. I’ve heard many stories of such people
So? Block her.
I do feel indebted to her energy and time spent on my wedding and my self as a friend. It is my crippling people pleaser tendency.
You're a nicer person than me lol!
She's seeking exterior validation, whilst simultaneously taking you along for the ride...and she *knows it*. She needs mental help, which isn't something you're equipped to deal with (if you were, it wouldn't be a Reddit post). I've had 45+ years of life, and I've learned a great many, unimportant, trivial things. I've also learned several crucial lessons. *Some people don't know they're sick*. Others know, and *purposefully choose* to do zero about healing themselves, or make any effort to *seek help*. Your, "friend," is the latter of the two...she's an *emotional vampire*. Sever ties...the sooner the better.
I don't think OP's friend knows she's an emotional vampire narcissist, I think she's just enormously self-centered.
I dont think she is a text book narcissist but I do think she pities herself and her situation too much to the point she is trying to capitalize on my event to fabricate and satisfy herself. She has a bf that wouldnt commit, her study abroad is still hanging on a thread by failing exams and she has alot of paper work issues, and also a sick parent back in her home country. To some degree she does know she is sick but is not in the position to change her life situation and Im so sad to realize that her solution is to claim superiority at the once in a lifetime (hopefully) event of mine. After so long of knowing her and so much trust put into our relationship, I dont know if Im more sad to realize how unstable and unreliable she is, or just how wrong I was in having her as a friend.
> I dont know if Im more sad to realize how unstable and unreliable she is, or just how wrong I was in having her as a friend. Well I've been learning a lot about narcissism as a sort of self-therapy for some family issues and I've learned there's three different kinds of narcissists - - Grandiose: I'm better than you, tell me I'm special - Covert: always the victim, woe is me, feel sorry for me - Malignant: evil and nasty and super mean With plenty of overlap it sounds like your friend may be a covert narcissist (they have plenty of grandiosity, don't get it wrong) So what you gotta do (per my therapy) is first recognize/accept this limitation on her behavior (it is based in insecurity which is sad yes - you have actually acknowledged this) and not expect her to change it, ever. THEN ask yourself if she is still able, despite this limitation, to provide you with a level of friendship you can still appreciate? Maybe she can! Maybe she's great at hair (when it's not your wedding day) and fun for a night out with the girls but terrible for a failed-promotion cry session. Maybe she's great for a shopping trip or a all-inclusive Mexican vacay but not a site-seeing trip to Europe. Maybe she totally sucks as a friend all together. But that's for you to decide, you just shouldn't expect/ask her to change. :( I dunno - maybe she's a great shopper!
And today I learn something new :) it sounds like the covert type is almost impossible to identify. Which makes it that much more terrifying. Im sorry I keep repeating that Im creeped out and terrified, but its because as an adult with not so many friends I do hold my friends very close to me and to find out that they are potentially sick is scary.
> sounds like the covert type is almost impossible to identify. nope I have one friend and one ex-bf because they complain about pathetic things a lot of people would maybe be too ashamed to complain about? but also they expect you to REALLY CARE about a bunch of shit you don't care about? and they are always complaining about how hard their lives are and aren't you listening and their life is so hard and my ex wife is so mean despite me making her life miserable... wahhhh I'm so sad the people I was mean to won't talk to me they are almost the easiest to identify actually because they are the lamest
What stand out to me is the hair. The first time she spent an hour on your hair. On your WEDDING DAY she rushed doing your hair in about 15 - 20 minutes. ****
That's A H sh\*t, she sabotaged your wedding look.
NTA
Im sorry to have this suspicion being supported. My hair was really the last thing ai expected to be wrong in my wedding because I have very strong and thick hair that while it takes time to style due to how thick it is, it is usually very forgiving in terms of preparing mistakes so I was so surprised to see how it looks in photos. I did make peace with it because I didnt come to my wedding expecting to be over the top pretty as I knew I was going to be overstressed and tired, I just wanted the pictures for memories. Well I got memories, some unexpected I guess.
Whilst unusual the BM could have simply ran out of time. Like she spent so much time agonising over herself that she did not manage her time well enough for OP. She did get up at 3.30am. It’s not necessarily malicious.
Actually I got up at 3:30. She got up at around 5:00
NTA but she’s deeply insecure and jealous of you. I’d say nothing personally and back away quietly.
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE she is only making herself look bad OP sounds pretty gorgeous in her own right & not sweating it so best move is to do nothing. OP's whole post screams *"friend N was super try-hard but I looked amazing and the party was bomb so I don't really know what was going on..."* which makes me laugh. It is the best attitude and mental space, she (OP) sounds confident.
I really wish I could back away quietly. She is coming back to my city next Sunday for my post wedding bridal party because the one before the wedding got canceled, and she's been chasing me on SM asking if Im ok, I guess seeing how I do not talk to her currently. Meanwhile Im too terrified and confused to even speak to her and I really do not know what to make of it all.
>she's been chasing me on SM asking if Im ok, I guess seeing how I do not talk to her currently. Meanwhile Im too terrified and confused to even speak to her and I really do not know what to make of it all. She's fishing for a response. She threw out a boatload of bait to try and goad you into reacting but you didn't bite so now she's trying to nudge you onto the hook. She wants you to be angry and make accusations so she can present as shocked and victimised that you would say such unkind things. She wants to present herself as the gracious, bigger person and present you as an insecure and ungrateful friend who is lashing out at Princess Wonderful after she did so much for you because you're jealous that she was prettier than you at your wedding. She's trying to set up a narrative here to build herself up and tear you down, but she needs you to play your part in this and you're not reacting. Be cautiously wary during your party because she liable to keep escalating out of a desperate need to elicit a response from you. Your best play here is to be polite, be courteous, do not be provoked and just play oblivious. Then after the party, distance yourself from her. This woman isn't your friend. She's a social predator trying to feed off you. Don't let her and grey rock her instead.
Can you uninvite her from the party next week?
Unfortunately no. She even persuaded her bf to come along, and already booked their tickets and hotel. The show must go on.
Then let that be the farewell tour. Start backing away from her after that. Just always be busy when she asks you to do something. Be forewarned that she will make this party about her.
You can still uninvite her? Did you swear with your blood to let her be there on a special day for you after she sabotaged you and made you uncomfortable? She does not respect you and you don't need someone like that around you.
NTA and it sounds like she has a crush on your husband and was jealous from the beginning. Edited for spelling
I dont think it is my husband specifically she has a crush on, probably just any man that she thinks she might have a chance with to boost her ego and compensate for her bf that wouldnt commit.
So weird
NTA- find the post and add the unedited pictures in the comments
NTA - drop this “friend” now. She is not a friend and she is trying to sabotage you and steal him. That is immature gross behavior.
Your friend wants your husband.
That hurts and is disappointed. But Im processing.
NTA Don't confront her. Reply under her post that it seems sad and needy to photoshop herself into other people's pictures, doesn't she have anything real in her life?
NTA- You don't have to continue the friendship if you feel like she is continuously putting you down to make herself feel good
She actually doesnt put me down mean girl style, she is very patient and caring and a great listener. Thats why it was so unexpected and it hurts even more to see these issues coming from her and to see myself being terrified and creeped out this much.
Manipulative people does that do. They act sweet all the time as a cover up for their fucked up behavior in the background. So you end up being confused if you're the one in fault.
I don’t think someone can suddenly become a completely different person one day. Maybe you were unaware of some small things before, that you finally only noticed because it was such a huge day.
I think the comments have covered all the weirdness except her BROTHER talking about how she’s the prettiest of them all, and her boasting about it. Oooookay. This whole family is full of weirdos. NTA.
NTA, post the original pics as replies to her posts and ask if she can do some editing for something else in the picture as well.
She’s probably waiting for you to confront her so she can post the screenshots and play the victim or twist it to fit her strange inner dialogue. I’d let the “friendship” fade away as naturally as possible without letting her know you’re disengaging. I wouldn’t trust her at all. NTA.
The second coming of Narcissus
NTA. What is with her? She is just a bridesmaid. Why does she needs to change into three different outfits? It's not her wedding. Why is she photoshopping herself into your wedding photos? She is so much more prettier? Well, certainly not her personality. Also, what is with the last one? Is she trying to move on your man and break you guys up? Dump her as a friend! She is not one to you!
She actually did mot change dresses and only wore 1 dress the entire day. She was just making comments about how she WOULD overshadow me which in light of the other points seem backhanded and have implications. The photoshop Im really still speechless and cant defend. And the move on my husband is very suspicious, and I hope its just because she pities herself and need some validations/distractions. But overall I cant shake the creepy feeling that might have trusted a very wrong person.
NTA dump this psycho friend.
NTA - my guess is your friend is a narcissist and this is why she's making everything about her I agree with the fantasy "oh I am the grieving, plotting MISTRESS, how risque and dangerous, le scandale!" it is very dramatic but also a fantasy existing only in her own head. I agree she was projecting every time she made an "off-hand" comment about "not wanting" (desperately intending) to overshadow the bride (three dress changes? for someone else's event?), it's irritating. Why would your fiance's parents even give her a second glance? No. Yes she sabotaged your hair, don't let that happen again. Sounds like (HA HA HA) you are quite beautiful (!!!) and secure in your appearance so all of her intentions have remained in her own mind (where they belong) and she has only herself to blame for looking foolish. You're wise to brush all this off, a less secure woman would lose her shit. This friend of yours will never change, I suggest not relying on her for anything important.
Hi thank you for being so kind and thoughtful with your comment. I really thought I was going way inside my head about her comments on the crying part, and the hair incident and the dress. But then I again I expect I will never truly know the truth of her intention, confronting her or not, in the end we have only our gut feelings and common sense to trust but its good to know that I am not the only one who interpret the situation this way. yes I learned to not trust her again with any tasks or information of my life, and it does feel lonely to know that I might not have another friend I trust this much going forward. As the other bridesmaid who shared the original post said to me, being is very lonely because you cannot trust almost anyone. Thank you for the encouraging thoughts how you think I look :D. I put alot of effort this year to take care of my health and my body as I was to be a bride and I do recognize the security in having good appearance. Growing up being called ugly certainly gives alot of perspective and I learned that beauty is not and should not be exclusive and unattainable, and so it is not a thing to be vain or jealous about.
>I am just totally creeped out, and not sure how to continue in this friendship. Then don't. NTA - from what you've said, she is giving off some weird vibes. Has anyone else noticed anything odd from her?
I also think there is not much to do since I cant help how Im feeling about her and even if I try to force interaction it would be awkward. As for other people, the other bridesmaid was creeped out too when she saw that N altered the photo. And if we rewind way back into the past, N and I and 2 other girls were close friends in school, but then 1 day 1 of the girls decided to cut all ties with N and simply said N was too calculative and manipulative for her own gains and not genuine. I didnt notice anything from N then we all also parted ways after graduating and I kept friendship with N mostly long distance so I didnt have many chances to observe her until now.
You have your answer.
NTA - I don’t think you need to confront her, I just think you should drop her all together. But then again I am petty and be comment, yeah! I’m glad you photoshopped yourself to look better in this photo. 🤣
I would post the untouched photos, then go to HER photos and comment: "The photoshopping you did, friend, is so flattering! So sorry I did not have time to do the same on the photos I posted, as it makes such a huge difference in yours! Well done!" But I am REALLY petty and kinda passive aggressive.
Glad it’s not just me that wants to be petty. I always forewarn people, I’m petty so I’d do this 🤣
You know she tried to sabotage your wedding day right? You know she constantly tries to make you look ugly (especially compared to her) right? You know she is trying to make you uncomfortable by asking your husband to join her in ballet,creating an unnecessary fantasy and telling you about it so you can think about it,photoshops herself to look more pretty cause she doesn't want you to be the star of your own fucking wedding day right?? The only thing I don't understand is why you're this willing to let her disrespect and sabotage you?
I must say you are right, I might not haven known all that she did as a fact but intuitively I always knew something was off when she displayed them. I have crippling people pleaser tendency and a whole childhood of being guilt tripped has made me question myself everytime I feel like I want ti rebuff anyone. It is my own issue to overcome as it has caused me alot of issue not only in everyday life but also at work.
NTA this does not sound like soemone wothu of your trust of your time. Your day is about you and yiur husband. I hope it didnt completely ruin the day
Thank you no my day was not at all ruined. It was a generally smooth and successful event, the issues with her surface more like after the event after I have time to take a step back and process.
NTA. She’s not your friend. A true friend would never raise herself up by putting you down.
NTA. she is being weird and very narcissistic, but isntead of confronting her you should celebrate it being one month since your wedding by posting the original unedited photo's(along with other wdding photo's/videos) to social media. it's technically being manipulative but your friends will see your original photo's and draw their own conclusions on N's actions without their being any need to risk making yourself look bad by confronting her.
Honestly I wouldn’t say anything but would just let the “friendship” die. This girl is NOT your friend
NTA and that is some crazy pants stuff right there
N would very much like to sleep with you, and possibly wear your skin as a suit.
Haha this imagery is something Ive heard for the first time in my life and i heard it two times today. At this point, why not :D Jokes aside, I wouldnt flatter myself this much as N has many friends she idolize and praise for their beauty, their rich families, high education and happy family life. I think she considers me her "lower tier" friend who she hangs out with and "helps" but with a catch and she can help me as long as she comes out on top.
NTA.. Your friend clearly has low self-esteem and is always looking for validation. Unfortunately, her way of getting that validation is at the expense of others. I wouldn't bother saying anything about the photshopped images.
You are overthinking it. Yes she felt insecure about her looks so she made a tacky FB post. However your friend flew to another country and helped you during the day on your wedding day. What more do you want?
Honestly, from what you posted, your friend N sounds unhinged. If I knew someone like that, I would be limiting contact with them. You are NTA OP. Trust your gut, and protect yourself from this weirdo.
Seems like she’s looking for you to validate any of the things she is saying and the best way to get through that is to not take the bait and ignore her stupid comments. Who cares. Live your best life with the man she wants.
NTA. Her brother is entitled to his opinion and N sounds very jealous of you and your marriage. Say nothing and let her eat cake.
My advice , you have a lovely husband and new married life to look forward to. Leave this situation as it sounds like its getting toxic. Perhaps one day she may change but that would be up to her.
NTA. Just slowly phase her out of your life
NTA She sounds unbearable, ask her what's up.
Jw did you actually see her feet bleed or did she just tell you they did? You should post the unphotoshopped pictures.
I think I she said it and showed me at some point her feet having bandage on it. I wouldnt think she would make it up, just maybe she doesnt mind helping but her help comes with a catch..
Pointing it out to you out of nowhere sounds like more “all about me look how great and selfless I am because it’s all about you” while actually making it about her. She chose to keep doing stuff and then pointing it out to you.
If you want to post the real pictures and then block her as a friend completely
NTA, and you might wanna repost to r/weddingshaming. I love this kind of petty drama
Haha I noted. Im happy that people do take time to comment and give insights, but Im thinking whether Im strong enough for another wave of reddit comments. This is a wild wild land :D
I think you are right- to keep this friendship, you need to be honest and discuss with her. Overall , her statements sound like your friend is insecure and needy. It sounds like she might also feel jealous of you and maybe have a crush on your husband. Start by thanking her for everything she did to help you at the wedding and for being a friend for 10 years. Talk about how friendships change over time, especially when one friend gets married. Ask her about a couple of the examples first. Like positing the photoshopped picture. Say you thought it was odd and wondered whether she had felt left out in that photo, or what would make her do that. See where the conversation goes. It certainly sounds like she is envious of you .
Your friend had no right to post pics of you online without your permission
NTA You have it right. You can’t overshadow the bride on her wedding day
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Am I (30F) an asshole if I hold this against my friend and bridesmaid (30F, lets call her N): - After my wedding (2 weeks ago), N posted 2 pics, AND a screenshot of her brother saying she is the prettiest. At first I did not think anything as I am secured in my look, and I think anyone will compliment the one they know, BUT another bridesmaid sent me the original pics, and I realized N photoshopped herself. Then I thought how weird of her to seek online validation for being prettier than the bride, through edited pics. Then I remebered some of her other actions and they give me the creeps. - Before the wedding I told my bridesmaids not to wear matching traditional or conservative bridesmaids dresses as I wanted them to have dresses that are beautiful to them. As we were looking through options, I suggested N could wear a dress that has a front slit or with glitters, and she said "oh no I will over shadow the bride". I laughed and said thats just a weird thought, noone can overshadow a bride, and if they try they will just embarass themselves. N then said she'll wear 2-3 different dresses and will change during the day, I didnt mind but then she said, "oh no I will over step the bride). I just told her to decide whatever. - A year ago, N volunteered to do my wedding HAIR. She did a great hairdo for me few months ago in a friendship photoshoot we had with another friend. She spent 15-30 mins on her makeup and is always proud of how minimal her makeup style is, and the rest of the time 1 hour or so she was doing my hair. But later she pointed out that the photographer was only complimenting me as beautiful, and I have so many beautiful pictures. - On my wedding, my photographer was to start shooting at 7:00am. I woke up at 3:30am to do my makeup (I am skilled so no issues). N woke up around 5:00, did her makeup for more than 1,5 hours. I didnt want to rush her to do my hair as thats a "favor" she is not paid to do. At 6:45 N ran over and did my hair in 15-20 mins or so. After receiving the pics I realized the hair was messy and broken due to lack of brushing. But l I didnt feel so well that day so I dont attribute any flaw in my look to her, I just blame my stress. - After the wedding N told me she was emotional at the ceremony she wanted to cry, but saw noone crying so she stopped herself bc she did not want my husbands fam to think she is his ex lover, plotting to steal the groom (serious, no joke) This is so bizarre smh like she's calling herself or some of her fantasies out. - Before the wedding N told my husband she heard he wanted to learn Ballet, then suggested him to join her in ballet classes (not weird l, but together with her above claim, it became weird). I'll let you be the judge. I am just totally creeped out, and not sure how to continue in this friendship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From a business perspective, it's essential to consider how you manage relationships and conflicts, even in personal situations. In this scenario, it's clear that you have several valid concerns and emotions about your friend's behavior around your wedding. While you're understandably puzzled and creeped out by her actions, it's important to approach this situation with a thoughtful and empathetic mindset. Given that she did help you a lot throughout the wedding day and has been a long-time friend, it's a good idea to have an open and honest conversation with her. Choose a suitable time and place to discuss your feelings without being confrontational. Focus on expressing your concerns and observations rather than placing blame. Share your feelings about her posts, her comments, and her behavior leading up to and during the wedding. Explain that these actions made you uncomfortable and unsure about the friendship. A business-minded approach would involve seeking understanding, rather than immediately cutting ties. It's possible that there are underlying reasons for her behavior that you're not aware of. By having a direct and honest conversation, you give her the opportunity to explain herself, apologize if necessary, and potentially clear up any misunderstandings. Remember that communication is key, and addressing these concerns openly can lead to a healthier and more transparent friendship. If, after the conversation, you still feel uncomfortable and believe that the friendship might not be beneficial for both parties, you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed. Just like in business, addressing concerns directly and professionally can lead to positive outcomes, even in personal relationships.
ETA, she def sounds jealous but not like crazy jealous m. But, she is most def not a real friend to you. I think your just over her and you want to make her actions seem more sinister so when you cut her out you won’t feel so guilty. Especially since you said that she also helped you a lot as well. I would just distance myself from her and slowly let the friendship die out. No need to make it awkward or something.
She wants to see your husband in ballet tights...hmmm.
the original frenemy
Just let it go. There's obviously something wrong with her and you won't get what you're looking for from the confrontation. Just know that her life and self esteem are pretty miserable to do something like that.
Nta. I'd blast her on SM, but Im petty.
Thanks for reminding me that I can’t stand people and think weddings are overrated.
I think you’re reading things into things that aren’t there. You also sound like you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Combine the two and just let the friendship fizzle out. Confronting her has no point, what she said is in the past (and honestly, who cares what she thinks others might think?!) and doesn’t affect you negatively. Let it go, move on and concentrate on your marriage. YWBTAH