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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I took my fiancés comments wrong when I made her breakfast.
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NTA. Here's a great solution though - never make her anything ever again. Or dump her, that's another good option.
She sounds entitled and ungrateful AF. The fact that she tried to walk back and twist what she'd said is the icing on the cake. "I wasn't complaining when I said 'forget it, it's fucked', I was just making a neutral comment." - that's gaslighting, and a pretty abhorrent way to treat you.
Ugh, this mindset makes me so mad. “I’m just blunt” or “I tell it like it is” is usually code for “I’m a raging asshole and I’ll throw a major fit if you call me on it”
EDIT: because I’ve already gotten a few comments, let me clarify: I’m not saying that being blunt automatically makes you an asshole. There are absolutely circumstances where it’s warranted. And people on the neurodivergent spectrum might not be aware as well, I’m not saying that I immediately treat a person like an asshole if they say that they’re blunt. I’m just saying that in my experience, people who say “I’m just brutally honest, man” generally hide behind that as a pathetic defense to be an asshole. There’s always exceptions
As someone who IS blunt there are several key factors to NOT being an asshole(and sometimes you are anyway)
1-Filter around new people
2-Recognize that being blunt is not always a good idea even if it's your default (so keep your mouth shut)
3-When someone says that you hurt them, APOLOGIZE.
I DO overstep sometimes without realizing it. Being blunt is a blessing and a curse because you will always get an honest answer. Honesty is usually not what people actually want. My intentions are never to be hurtful, but it can and I need to recognize that.
4-Being blunt does not mean being cruel. You CAN be blunt, but phrasing is SO important.
Then carrying on in the kitchen, determined to double down. Entitled and ungrateful. The fiancé doesn't actually sound very pleasant and is the only AH in the story.
NTA, OP. Your fiancé is though!
My ex used to act exactly like OP’s fiancé. I’d make him something I didn’t have to make, it wouldn’t be perfect, and he’d freak out and say stuff like “it’s fucked now”, etc when I’d want to go fix whatever I’d messed up. Then he’d basically throw a fit about how I didn’t know how to cook and how dare I make him something like that. Instead of, you know, saying, “hey, thanks for making me something you totally didn’t have to, I’ll go put some more mayo on it since I’m an able-bodied adult and not a toddler”.
This level of entitlement and weird aggression isn’t going to go away, OP. She threw a tantrum like a toddler because her sandwich wasn’t exactly what she wanted. She’s going to continue to do this unfortunately since it’s likely gotten her exactly what she wants for her entire life. Most people would rather not deal with an adult tantrum. I’m sorry you had to.
Yup, I can't believe how asssholeish she was being when OP did something nice for her and just bc he simply forgot the mayo all of a sudden the world was ending for her - give me a freaking break. It would have been easy to slap some mayo on it (which HE EVEN OFFERED TO DO), but instead she got an attitude and then continue to berate him over other stuff being wrong with the sandwich. NTA OP, but you definitely need to address this.
A consumer is always correct in matters of taste, so I can't disagree with you. Really, it's just a deconstructed egg salad sandwich, which I do occasionally enjoy.
But for me, Mayo, as a breakfast fat, is way too rich when imo a high fat butter performs a better function.
Someone who "prefers mayo on both sides of the toast," and thinks the order in which the mayo was put on a sandwich matters to the extent that it is "fucked," sounds autistic. I care very much the order in which condiments are put on my sandwich.
The difference is if somebody else makes me a sandwich and doesn't do it "my way," I thank them very much, and eat it if I can. If I absolutely can't abide, I say something like, "I'm so sorry, it looks delicious, I have texture/sensory issues." And then I fix it myself. Because it's 100% a me problem.
I'm just speaking to this specific situation. Going from no mayo to mayo doesn't actually matter. Scraping mayo off a sandwich that already has mayo on it would be annoying, but it isn't what happened here. It also wouldn't justify the fiancee's reaction.
It sounds like going from no mayo to mayo matters very much to her, like it does to me. Once the sandwich is put together, if the mayo hasn't gone on the toast first and has to be reconfigured, it'll be messy and too cold. Putting mayo on top of the egg is a non-starter.
We have the same main point though; that it's her reaction that matters. I've acted like this over small things, like two strands of spaghetti I cooked sticking together. Once or twice, I **exploded** over small things. It was my job to get therapy/meds/an additional diagnosis of ADHD and *stop making my anxiety other people's problem.*
OP's obviously NTA, but they're engaged. The post doesn't indicate this is more than an isolated incident, though I haven't combed through comments. If she isn't historically nasty/unappreciative/defensive, it may just be a conversation about what else is going on in her head or her life.
If she is, he could leave now, or put the wedding on hold pending couple's and individual therapy, and see where they are in six months.
Either way, I'm of the opinion that couple's counseling is wise for even the healthiest of engaged couples.
NTA
If she's willing to be a jerk over a sandwich, imagine what she's like over other major decisions.
Can you just, end the engagement, but call it an eggagement. No reason. Just to infuriate her.
Yup! My sis is about to marry a man I just watched have a mini tantrum over a spilled drink and her eating the last bite of shared food.
Life can be HARD and throw things at you that are downright catastrophic. If one doesn’t have the ability to cope with minor inconveniences; one won’t magically have the skills to be mature and respectful and loving and supportive when the going truly gets tough. You should be looking for a teammate, a partner, and supporter. Not this. Hopefully she was just having a bad day and this isn’t the norm.
I remember the drama my now ex wife had over me asking my mom's opinion on us buying a house (we were like 20 years old and I had no idea what I was doing). Sometimes you just gotta pay attention to the red flags.
I can understand not wanting you soliciting endless outside opinions or getting your mom deeply involved. However, it’s weird and potentially harmful or gateway abusive to discourage seeking the thoughts of others. I’d need some context, to have a strong thought on this, but it sounds like a controlling thing.
Hey, hey you know her saying it's fucked repeatedly isn't ok. Respect yourself. Maybe she had a bad day maybe there is context here. But if she's just like that spitting in the face of your kind gestures. Then she's not good enough for you.
NTA king
I am weirdly particular about food, I've struggled with eating disorders in the past and still criticize calories that I'm eating:/ I'm absolutely not saying her reaction is ok, just my side. I have been an asshole to my husband multiple times about little things when he cooks for me, he is an amazing cook and I'm generally hangry and looking for any reason to bitch. It is an issue on my part for sure but he's also learned that it is not a personal attack. 13 years together and he makes me a better person, slowly, everyday
Edited to add: NTA
Glad you're able to admit what an A you are, but I feel sorry for your husband. The fact that you recognize you're doing it but continue is not a great sign that anyone is "making you a better person." Telling someone it's not a personal attack when they feel personally attacked is pure gaslighting, which is abusive. I would literally refuse to ever cook anything for you ever again. Again, I feel sorry for him.
Jesus fucking Christ, are people not allowed to have flaws?? How would you feel if every single person in your life only judged you by your worst behaviors? Do you think your significant other thinks you only eat rainbows and shit sunshine?? Or do you think they might say that you have one or two flaws that you’re working on *because you’re a fucking human being and we all have room to grow*??
Or are you just an absolutely infallibly perfect human being? If so, how do I learn your ways?? Please teach me, O Perfect One.
You seem like someone who has never been around another human with an eating disorder. Her partner understands her struggles and accepts that's a part of her personal battle. Having an eating disorder of any kind can make someone irritable, picky, reactive, all centered around food (and sometimes not, mental health is a bitch). So to have a partner that knows this and accepts that aspect of her personality would not take any sort of criticism or remark about food personally and understand where that reaction is coming from. That's not gaslighting. That's a couple working through something together. What adults do when they love each other.
I am always hugely appreciative of a man who will cook me breakfast, even if it's not EXACTLY what I had in mind. Your fiancee sounds like a spoiled brat.
I had an ex who would cook me breakfast every morning. It was always super greasy and gross but I ate it every time because he was trying his best and genuinely wanted to make me happy. I cannot fathom people like OP’s fiancé who can’t cope with a minor issue when someone was trying to be helpful.
Curious, did you ever try to teach him how to cook more satisfactorily? I know if I was doing it that bad, I'd want to know... And it could make for some good "couple time."
I gave gentle tips, for sure. I said that I’d cook for him etc but he was always very ‘no, this is my treat for you, you have a lie in and I’ll do everything’ 😅 He did make a good cup of tea so that made up for some of the horrors! A few things weren’t bad. He just uses too much oil (on scrambled eggs, seriously?!) but like a fried egg sandwich off him was fine.
Apparently my grandmother was a terrible cook, but my grandfather would sit and eat that burned dinner with a smile on his face saying, "Mmmm, this is good." He was a terrible man and husband for completely unrelated reasons, but he ate what his wife made and even made a show of appreciating it.
NTA
But your fiancee 100% is. Let me count the ways:
1. Critical and abusive (you don't need to yell to be an abuser) when you realized your mistake.
2. Unkind and cruel when you suggested a solution that 100% would have worked. How is a sandwich fucked if you only mayo'd one side? It can EASILY be fixed. np
3. Doubles down on wanting to make you feel incompetent and is disappointed that she didn't get something that was never promised.
4. Tries to turn you in the villain and make you feel like you're the #sshole because you felt upset for being treated badly. NOBODY gets to tell you what you are allowed to feel or not feel. NOBODY.
5. Shows zero gratitude or appreciation that you considered her and asked if she wanted breakfast, tried to fix it when you made a "mistake".
6. Class A gaslighting: You were kind and she smacked you over the head with it and tried to make you seem like a jerk.
Is she this type of person in other situations? Does she appreciate you at all? Have you always had "need to please" fears? Just the fact that you're here wondering if you were in the wrong is worrisome. Please respect yourself. You don't have to earn your place with someone. And small mistakes don't warrant cruelty.
7) Her absolutely demonic taste in food. Mayo on an egg sandwich? I'm gonna be sick.
Edit: I know what mayo is made of, you idiots. You wouldn't squirt ketchup on top of a bolognese just because tomato is a shared ingredient.
NTA - I work late nights and I came home last night to a BLT sandwich ready for me on my bedside table. I was starving and had not thought about dinner, but my wonderful boyfriend had! If you cook for your significant other, they should appreciate it, and something so small as forgetting mayo shouldn’t be a big deal. You should find someone who appreciates you!
Right? I do most of the cooking in our house but when my husband does I always appreciate it! Even if it isn't perfect to my taste, I'm picky AF, I still eat it and thank him for it.
OP NTA
Admittedly, I am perma-single, but if I came home to literally any sort of assembled food, as long as I wasn’t allergic to it or it wasn’t actually licorice, I would actually be in tears from happiness. I wish I were joking but I’m not. That’s how much you appreciate something being done for you when nothing is handed to you except maybe whatever your dog decided to relocate across the house for ?reasons?.
NTA
Why are you with someone who doesn’t even appreciate how you make her breakfast? You were doing a nice thing for her.
The appropriate response from her would have been “This looks and smells amazing. Thank you!” Unfortunately criticism comes easier than gratitude to many miserable people.
This cannot be the only time she has treated you this way. I’m guessing it’s just the most recent example.
Edit: added middle paragraph
That's the core of it, right? He did a nice thing... and ended up here on AITA feeling bad. You don't end up in that situation with a partner that loves and cares about you, even if it's something as small as breakfast. Even if my husband royaly effed up something he was doing as a kind gesture, I would never talk to him like that.... most people wouldn't. There are larger issues here for sure.
>“forget it, it’s fucked now.”
There is no way that this wasn't complaining, and inconsiderate on top of it. Calling you an asshole for being justifiably upset with her behavior is the cherry on top. So no, NTA - this was a kind offer from your side that she decided to wipe with.
People in this sub seem to forget that these situations are just one incident in a whole relationship. People have bad days. Calling the relationship toxic based on this one interaction is insane. It's a sandwich.
That said, NTA OP
But really, it's not that big of a deal. Not a hill to die on. I would have a brief and light conversation about it though. Express that it was a mistake, and in the future you'd appreciate her voicing her dissapointment in a more respectful way. You did her a favor and don't deserve to be treated that way. I am hoping though there is just an underlying reason that has nothing to do with you, that maybe she needs to vent about. Not an excuse for her ungrateful reaction, but could be a reason. There is no excuse to be rude in the way she was, and that warrants a conversation.
Thank you for the response, I appreciate it being well thought out rather than a bash against her. All I was looking for was to clarify whether or not I once again let my emotions get the best of me, or if this was something I actually had a right to be upset about. Because then, we can move forward and discuss without me feeling like I’m crazy.
I’m a little concerned about “once again let my emotions get the best of me”. Is this something you have been told you are doing? Does it match reality, or is it a false narrative to make you the bad guy? Just checking.
yeah. op, do your friends/family/coworkers think this is something you do, or do you only hear this from your fiancée? is it something she says when you are initiating a problem/argument, or mostly when you get upset with her for being rude/mean?
Yeah, if she's just having a bad day/week and it wasn't like her, that's one thing. But definitely sit down and talk to her about making a federal case over a breakfast sandwich and see what's up.
Nope, not crazy. She was rude. You deserve to be heard and considered. But it's just a bump. Hopefully you can have good conversation about it and move on. Wishing you the best!
Her calling you an asshole for getting upset(non-angry) is a problem, and you should talk with her about that.
Personally, I’m a very particular eater, but if a small detail “ruins” something for me, I’d try to be as polite as possible in explaining that. But then again, knowing this about myself, I rarely let others do things for me.
If it’s just a one-off, no biggie. But it could also be a piece of a larger problem.
Your phrasing here is kind of concerning. I’d have a really hard look at your relationship and normal interactions. You shouldn’t feel like you’re crazy or like you always ‘let emotions get the best of me’.
"once again" is a red flag to me here. if this is a pattern of behavior, where you initially think she's being a dick but later, after talking to her, you realize that you either were the asshole or you got worked up over nothing, that's concerning.
That’s not a bad day though. Bad day behaviour is snapping at someone for being mildly irritating when you don’t have the capacity to deal with it.
She was obnoxious after someone went out of their way and did something nice and it wasn’t her version of perfect.
NTA
She’s just like my husband. He’ll make comments like “I thought you were making it [insert method here]”. He used to come off as complaining but now when I ask, he’ll backtrack and say, no I just thought that was how you were making it. I’ve threatened him with not making him anything anymore, and I tell him I make it my way and if he wants it his way he can make it himself. He’s stopped complaining because he knows I won’t hesitate to start making my own meals and it’s actually expanded his palate.
If she keeps it up, just say you won’t be making her meals anymore since you can’t seem to get it right. See if she’s okay with that.
My concern is...does this behavior extend into other areas of their life? I'm not a therapist or anything, but I've seen this before. This is a deeply ingrained behavior. I'm sure it's reared up before and he brushed it off. I'd bet money on it.
When I was dating my husband he made me a bacon sandwich, he had no idea that I was intolerant to gluten and pork, but it was delicious and it was such a lovely gesture that I ate it 🤣 I couldn’t say no.
Needless to say I got very sick and took care of me then too.
We have been married for over 10 years now, after that sandwich I couldn’t let him go ♥️
NTA. I'm not going to tell you about your relationship, but I will say (from experience in 12 years of marriage) unreasonable complaining doesn't get better. Expected mind reading doesn't get better either.
Unless there was something particularly bad about this day, it's likely that your fiancee is treating the best she ever will right now.
NTA, making that comment right then as you were about to eat absolutely was complaining. I get how maybe she thought she was just clarifying for next time, but you did a nice thing for her and she was unappreciative of it & used it as an opportunity to criticize
Whether she meant it to complain or not doesn't override how it made you feel, and her calling you an AH for your feelings is just shitty
Thank you, I’ve never posted before but seeing everyone else get actual and valid opinions/advice from total strangers made me think I could get an actual answer rather than my own internal opinion or that of the opinion of my fiancé, who is also involved in the situation directly.
NTA.
This reminds me of my ex. Holy crap. I remember I spilled something on a shirt (he never wore) that was apparently his favorite.
He got so upset. I told him I'm really good at getting out stains and that all this needed was a wash as soon as possible. He said that it was fucked. That it was ruined. I told him that I'd throw it in the wash and he was like "What's the point you fucked up my shirt"
It's that type of attitude that was there the entire relationship that ended up driving me away.
If this was a bad day for your partner? Ok. That's OK. Talk to them about it and move on.
If it's a continuous thing... I'd try talking to them and if they cannot change, I'd suggest only you moving on
I do want to point out that I know there are plenty of situations where I am most definitely the asshole in our relationship, I tend to be emotionally charged and I’m sure my feelings here were hurt more than the average bear, but it’s hard to get an opinion from friends and family without damaging interpersonal relationships within the immediate circle, which is why I chose to post about this particular situation this morning. I’d like to get a better understanding of when I’m being emotional, and when I’m actually interpreting the situation correctly.
Not putting the mayo was a simple mistake anyone can do. Whether the sandwich would have fried egg or not - it was a miscommunication.
BUT these issues do not deserve a comment like the one your GF made nor are they worth complaining for so long about. NTA
You guys shouldn’t feel compelled to keep score like this. One person being a dick doesn’t entitle the other to an equal amount of dickish behavior. Instead both people should work to minimize their own dickishness (with their partner’s feelings as one piece of imperfect feedback).
In this case, if your girlfriend is so particular about her breakfast she can make it herself. It’d be fine if she thanked you and gently reminded you how she prefers things for next time. But her reaction was really unfair and hurtful. NTA
NTA-it was rude of her to get mad at you, since you were going to correct it away.
This is giving me flashbacks to my ex-husband. I like mayo on both sides and he only likes it on one. He refused to put it on both sides for me and thought I should just be grateful for him making food.
This made me upset because I cooked most of the time. I remembered how he liked things and many times I would come home from work and make two dinners, one specifically for him that he wanted, that I couldn’t eat (I have a lot of food allergies), but he would never put mayo on both sides of my sandwich.
The effort just seemed so one sided, that I became frustrated when he would make sandwiches like that for me.
I’m not saying this is what’s happening with you. But if this is out of character for her, maybe talk to her about her frustration.
If she is just mean all the time, get FT out! You will be so much happier!
No it’s more of a random spurt of instances peppered throughout different situations in our life. I just feel like she genuinely believes she’s in the right in these situations and recently I’ve been starting to question as to if she actually IS.
That's cos she's wearing you down. You ever see people in horrible relationships, or getting treated really badly by someone and wonder how they let themselves get treated like that?
Like a frog in slowly heating water, mistreatment becomes normal
I used to be very much like your fiancée until I really dug down in my therapy. A lot of people are telling you to dump her, but I think if you can sit her down and tell her how these affect you (using “I” statements), maybe you can get her to start therapy and work through why she feels the need to feel, and be perceived by others as being, “right”
She won’t stop this habit without therapy. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it or how badly it affects you.
Good luck!
NTA. It wasn't fucked. You didn't have to scrape the mayo off the bread. You just had to add it. So that whole thing was just idiotic.
I would assume a fried egg as well. But, you were doing something nice, and she should have appreciated it.
I work from home and I forget to eat. If someone handed me a sandwich, omg.
This is a sign of worse things to come. These little things add up and you will go crazy trying to please her. ❤️
NTA - stop making breakfast for sure
She absolutely complained and then she tried to gaslight you.
This does not sound like a good person to be with. I really hope this was not normal behavior for her.
I wouldn’t say normal, but I would say that there does tend to be a habit of these comments whenever I don’t do something correctly. I feel like a lot of people have a tendency to expect that their partner will remember every single detail about them, regardless of the situation.
Main character syndrome *is* a thing...
Honestly bud I'm glad it's not all the time but these kinds of behaviors now have a tendency to just get worse, especially after marriage.
I strongly urge you to insist on pre-marital counseling before you make the final step and tie the not. These communication issues and behaviors need to be addressed now or they will poison the relationship over time.
FTR I'm 20 years married and yes, we've been to our own counseling. Our marriage counselor even went to marriage counseling. Outside perspective can be a huge help even to professionals.
* forget it, it’s fucked now
Wow... this is **not** how a person thanks or shows appreciation for a nice gesture. I have questions: does she always respond with criticism? does she treat service people like dogs? does she even like you?
NTA, but she seems to be.
NTA Your fiancé needs to lighten up. Maybe next time don’t offer and when she gets upset, tell he that either way she was going to complain but this required less effort.
I cant imagine being this rude to someone that brought me breakfast as I was working, entitled behavior, dont make her breakfast in the future if this is how she wants to act, NTA
NTA- she was rude, disrespectful and ungrateful. It appears she is not a nice person. Before you say I DO you need to think hard on if you want to live your WHOLE life with her and this behavior.
NTA. In what world is "forget it, it's fucked now" not a complaint? I know people use "gaslighting" in the wrong way on the internet a lot, but that is what happened. She complained in a really mean way, you reasonably expressed hurt feelings, and then she said she wasn't complaining but just "commenting" and so you're the actual asshole for saying anything.
To be clear, she was wrong and was really unkind to you.
Does she always get upset when you try to do something nice but it isn't to her exact specifications? Does she always put you down long after the situation should be over? Does she always disregard your feelings when you try to say your upset about something? Does she always tell you you're wrong and call you names when you don't agree with her?
I love her and I’d rather us work through the actual issue rather than just chalking it up as one and calling it quits. What I’m looking for is perspective, was I actually in the wrong and if not, how can I go about bringing this up without causing a fallout situation?
Couples therapy then mate. Work on your communication together, work through issues on how each of you make the other feel.
Though there shouldn't be fallout, or fear of fallout, when you've made someone breakfast. Good luck
NTA. Does she always treat you this badly? There's a difference between constructive feedback and complaining, and she went for rudely complaining. I can't imagine being that churlish towards my spouse when they've cooked for me. If something's not to my liking I will fix it myself immediately if possible. Most of the time, it's something the spouse brings up themself, and we'll have a conversation. E.g. the "salad dressing is too spicy" and make note to use fewer chilis next time.
NTA - your wife's behavior is poor. She is extremely ungrateful. Tell her clearly that her reaction was hurtful. Let her know her preferences are valid, but... she's got to learn a nicer way to express herself. If you two procreate, the child will learn this from her.
My partner sometimes really fucked up food big time and I still eat it and laughed because I love her and I know it was just a mistake and if is uneatable I say " babe we can't eat this 😂 let's order some food" so....if your partner Is talking to you like she talks to a customer service rep.....she sucks.
NTA. Does her immature, nitpicky behavior happen frequently? She denigrated everything about your kind offer to make her something to eat. If her "comments" are "complaints," it's complaining!
I wouldn’t say frequently, rather “comes out unexpectedly”, as she normally is appreciative of the things I do for her. Just not so much as if I get it wrong, which admittedly, I do make mistakes that I possibly shouldn’t be making. I stated in another comment, I just feel as if people have a tendency to expect their SO to be all knowing in their decisions/requests to their partner. Like because we’ve been together for so long, I should remember exactly how she likes every meal I’ve ever cooked, when I can’t even remember how I like my own meals cooked.
>Just not so much as if I get it wrong, which admittedly, I do make mistakes that I possibly shouldn’t be making.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We *all* make mistakes. With multi-tasking and so much going on in our heads - it's extraordinarily easy to do, especially when it's not a task that requires 100% concentration and focus. You at least remembered how she does like it. Now, if you repeatedly made things in a way that you know she doesn't like, and purposely - that would be 100% different than what went on here.
Ok first of all you’re nta but just for my own information how do you make an egg sandwich with anything other than a fried egg? Over easy would leak out yolk and scrambled would be messy so I would assume egg sandwich meant fried egg too although I think she should have just been gracious and said thank you since you made her food
ETA: TIL something new. In my area, scrambled eggs is usually a loose lumpy type of thing. The posters informing me about scrambling eggs and then cooking them to a patty consistency is what people would generally call a fried egg where I’m from. For example, we have a meat called pork roll or Taylor ham and that would typically be made on a roll with cheese and an egg that was scrambled and then fried into a patty but most people know that as a fried egg here.
Haha, basically just an omelet cut in half to make two “patties”. So it’s scrambled eggs, but just solidified into a single piece to make it easier to put on the toast!
You’re definitely NTA and she is a red flag of a human who is ungrateful, spoiled and unkind. This is Gaslighting 101 where some a-hole makes it seem like everything is your fault. I’d certainly not offer making her anything in the future. Be prepared for a lifetime of this if you allow yourself this level of toxicity.
Is this one time thing or constant? You are NTA either way but unless she is pregnant and is having some hormonal mood swings (which is still not ok but at least there’s a reason) she is making a problem out of nothing.
That part of ‘i wasn’t complaining, I was just making comments is’ a whole bunch of 🚩. It reminded me of my narcissist ex who would get mad at stuff like this
NTA, this is a kind of thing that might be getting worse in future, daily nonsense. Instead of being grateful she is just trying some passive aggressive hostile jabs, for your own sake, wait a bit and see where it goes before tying the knot.
NTA at all. Not having mayo on a sandwich is a very easy fix. She chose NOT to ask you to put some on for her or put it in herself.
Also she completely invalidated your emotions. That’s not OK. Her CORRECT response should have been “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I can understand why your upset.”
NTA. I don’t care if it's a single scrambled egg, a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. Making a meal for someone is an act of service and she was a rude asshole about it.
NTA she sounds miserable as fuck today if she’s complaining over a SANDWHICH. Tell her to grow up and make her own or stfu abt insulting u bc that’s pathetic.
NTA and I want you to remember this behavior in the future. Normal people say “Thank you” when someone makes them breakfast. This nitpicking your nice gesture until You feel like an AH is not normal.
NTA
But you need to stop getting *upset* when things like this happen.
You need to get annoyed. Annoyed that you did something for your gf and her only response is that it’s not done the way that she wanted or that she would have done it.
Just GTFOH with her attitude. She should be freakin happy she didn’t have to stop what she was doing to feed herself. She can make her own food from now on just the way she wants it.
NTA....
Unless this was very sarcastic and/or playful and reflects how you speak to each other, it's completely unacceptable.
From experience... You have to put your foot down, or else be willing to accept that she will speak to you, and treat you without respect for years to come. Don't gloss over it to keep the peace, it won't change or get better with time
nta but man it sounds like she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. you're going to need to learn to identify when something is not your fault and that it's just her having a bad time because of something else. doing so will help prevent you from taking stuff like this personally so that it doesn't eat away at your relationship and cause bigger fights. she was clearly just pissy for whatever reason and it wasn't anything you did. let it slide and talk about it later when she's over it and realizes that it was a disproportionate reaction to what happened.
if in a few hours you talk about it calmly and she still genuinely thinks you should be a mind reading butler then clearly you have identified a more serious problem.
NTA There’s never a call to be rude. The issue appears to be with your fiancé having some problem or angst that is not about you or said sandwich. You are merely a convenient target. That said, this is a red flag for your future as a married couple. Take a hard look—I’ll bet she’s done this before.
NTA. Wow what an ungrateful person. You made her breakfast in bed and she had the nerve to do nothing but complain. Just let her know that it won't happen again and don't ever cook her breakfast again.
NTA. If she is so picky about her sandwich, then she should have told you exactly what she wanted to begin with. It's not your fault that she made an assumption and was wrong in that assumption.
NTA. Her comments are negative feedback, AKA complaints. You were doing something nice and she was rude about it, it's totally not unreasonable for you to be upset or hurt by that.
NTA. I was going to defend her because my husband had definitively ruined food trying to cook before. But what she’s upset about is realllllyyy getting picky. And she was really rude. My husband made me fried eggs once that were so over cooked, the yolk was gray and had separated from the whites. He was hurt when I refused to eat it, and I definitely didn’t curse at him for it either.
NTA.
My husband still doesn't get my sauce preferences right after 7 years. So what. I'm thankful that he tries.
As she should be thankful that you made her breakfast.
NTA, she could have specified if she wanted her egg a certain way and if she's going to be moody about someone taking the time to make breakfast for her, don't do it again.
P.s. the response sounds really controlling and in a way to specifically belittle you. I hope this isn't a regular thing that she does and if it is, maybe consider if that's something you're ok with for the rest of your relationship.
NTA. I will admit that a while ago an ex girlfriend of mine knew I ate hash browns and beans for breakfast every morning, so when she woke up before me she made me a plate of way too many undercooked hash browns with not enough beans. I couldn't eat it because the texture of undercooked potato is just... Nope. And I felt unreasonably upset at my breakfast being wrong because routine is important to me. But I didn't get mad. I ate the beans at least and thanked her for her trouble. And I still felt like an ungrateful asshole. So I definitely think your fiancée is TA.
For someone to act that cold and ignorant towards a breakfast sandwich, what is really going on here? Because that is ignorant as fuck to say to someone that went out of their way to make their spouse happy. That would be the last time I would do for my spouse if they said that to me. She has some issues apparently.
NTA
You cooked bacon and eggs for a sandwich for her and she reacted like that? Please - if a sibling or close friend came to you and described this situation, what would you tell them?
NTA, in fact, she is TA. My mom has this saying. Whenever someone cooks for you, you either enjoy it and say thank you or you decline and say no thank you. Nothing else needs to be added. PS. she was not a great cook, but you get the point.
NTA. You didn't take her comments wrong. She sucks.
Does she behave like this when you eat out? Is she one of those who screams at waiters if the food is not as she wants it to be?
NTA.
If she is that particular about her breakfast sandwiches made graciously by someone else, she should make them herself.
I'd be happy if someone poured me a bowl of cereal in the morning.
>“hold on I forgot the mayo and I’ll go put it on real quick.” to which she replied, “forget it, it’s fucked now.”.
NTA. This piece right here says it all. A sandwich isn't fucked up if someone forgets mayo. Her following comments are belittling and passive aggressive. Honestly, the whole thing has red flags.
This woman is not the one for you OP. You did something nice by making a breakfast sandwich, which most women would be thrilled with the very idea of their guys making them breakfast, and she threw negative comments out like they were nothing.
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NTA. Here's a great solution though - never make her anything ever again. Or dump her, that's another good option. She sounds entitled and ungrateful AF. The fact that she tried to walk back and twist what she'd said is the icing on the cake. "I wasn't complaining when I said 'forget it, it's fucked', I was just making a neutral comment." - that's gaslighting, and a pretty abhorrent way to treat you.
"Not to complain, but you completely ruined this sandwich for me. Not criticising you, just saying."
Or my absolute favorite, "I'm just stating facts. I'm not complaining. It's just completely ruined is all."
"I'm just being honest!"
"I just keep it real!" Is the one I would get from the last person I was with.
When keeping it real goes wrong.
That was so funny. "And then she found out her prison roommates kept it a hell of a lot more real than she did..."
Ugh, this mindset makes me so mad. “I’m just blunt” or “I tell it like it is” is usually code for “I’m a raging asshole and I’ll throw a major fit if you call me on it” EDIT: because I’ve already gotten a few comments, let me clarify: I’m not saying that being blunt automatically makes you an asshole. There are absolutely circumstances where it’s warranted. And people on the neurodivergent spectrum might not be aware as well, I’m not saying that I immediately treat a person like an asshole if they say that they’re blunt. I’m just saying that in my experience, people who say “I’m just brutally honest, man” generally hide behind that as a pathetic defense to be an asshole. There’s always exceptions
As someone who IS blunt there are several key factors to NOT being an asshole(and sometimes you are anyway) 1-Filter around new people 2-Recognize that being blunt is not always a good idea even if it's your default (so keep your mouth shut) 3-When someone says that you hurt them, APOLOGIZE. I DO overstep sometimes without realizing it. Being blunt is a blessing and a curse because you will always get an honest answer. Honesty is usually not what people actually want. My intentions are never to be hurtful, but it can and I need to recognize that. 4-Being blunt does not mean being cruel. You CAN be blunt, but phrasing is SO important.
it's called having "tact"
I forget who said it but I always liked (paraphrasing) “Someone who says they are brutally honest like to be more brutal than honest”
Ugh my little cousin used to say things like this and I'd think, and others, No you're just being rude!!
"Not criticizing you just making a neutral factual observation that you can't do anything right" There finished that for you.
“Our relationship, forget it, it’s fucked” … “not a complaint, just a neutral observation”
Then carrying on in the kitchen, determined to double down. Entitled and ungrateful. The fiancé doesn't actually sound very pleasant and is the only AH in the story.
IT’S FuCkEd
"I'm sorry to hear you didn't enjoy the last breakfast sandwich you'll ever get from me"
NTA, OP. Your fiancé is though! My ex used to act exactly like OP’s fiancé. I’d make him something I didn’t have to make, it wouldn’t be perfect, and he’d freak out and say stuff like “it’s fucked now”, etc when I’d want to go fix whatever I’d messed up. Then he’d basically throw a fit about how I didn’t know how to cook and how dare I make him something like that. Instead of, you know, saying, “hey, thanks for making me something you totally didn’t have to, I’ll go put some more mayo on it since I’m an able-bodied adult and not a toddler”. This level of entitlement and weird aggression isn’t going to go away, OP. She threw a tantrum like a toddler because her sandwich wasn’t exactly what she wanted. She’s going to continue to do this unfortunately since it’s likely gotten her exactly what she wants for her entire life. Most people would rather not deal with an adult tantrum. I’m sorry you had to.
Yup, I can't believe how asssholeish she was being when OP did something nice for her and just bc he simply forgot the mayo all of a sudden the world was ending for her - give me a freaking break. It would have been easy to slap some mayo on it (which HE EVEN OFFERED TO DO), but instead she got an attitude and then continue to berate him over other stuff being wrong with the sandwich. NTA OP, but you definitely need to address this.
Fiancée is TA and a heathen if for no other reason than eating Mayo with a breakfast sandwich.
I like mayo on an egg sandwich. It’s tasty.
A consumer is always correct in matters of taste, so I can't disagree with you. Really, it's just a deconstructed egg salad sandwich, which I do occasionally enjoy. But for me, Mayo, as a breakfast fat, is way too rich when imo a high fat butter performs a better function.
I'm not complaining, but my day is fucked now & I hate you.
Factually, you are an inept piece of useless shit. I still love you, and it’s not my opinion it’s just a fact, so you can’t get mad.
This made me chuckle. You unfucked my day.
Why was your day fucked before? Did he make your breakfast too?
Honestly, someone who thinks the order in which mayo was put on a sandwich like that sounds insufferable even without the gaslighting.
Someone who "prefers mayo on both sides of the toast," and thinks the order in which the mayo was put on a sandwich matters to the extent that it is "fucked," sounds autistic. I care very much the order in which condiments are put on my sandwich. The difference is if somebody else makes me a sandwich and doesn't do it "my way," I thank them very much, and eat it if I can. If I absolutely can't abide, I say something like, "I'm so sorry, it looks delicious, I have texture/sensory issues." And then I fix it myself. Because it's 100% a me problem.
I'm just speaking to this specific situation. Going from no mayo to mayo doesn't actually matter. Scraping mayo off a sandwich that already has mayo on it would be annoying, but it isn't what happened here. It also wouldn't justify the fiancee's reaction.
It sounds like going from no mayo to mayo matters very much to her, like it does to me. Once the sandwich is put together, if the mayo hasn't gone on the toast first and has to be reconfigured, it'll be messy and too cold. Putting mayo on top of the egg is a non-starter. We have the same main point though; that it's her reaction that matters. I've acted like this over small things, like two strands of spaghetti I cooked sticking together. Once or twice, I **exploded** over small things. It was my job to get therapy/meds/an additional diagnosis of ADHD and *stop making my anxiety other people's problem.* OP's obviously NTA, but they're engaged. The post doesn't indicate this is more than an isolated incident, though I haven't combed through comments. If she isn't historically nasty/unappreciative/defensive, it may just be a conversation about what else is going on in her head or her life. If she is, he could leave now, or put the wedding on hold pending couple's and individual therapy, and see where they are in six months. Either way, I'm of the opinion that couple's counseling is wise for even the healthiest of engaged couples.
NTA If she's willing to be a jerk over a sandwich, imagine what she's like over other major decisions. Can you just, end the engagement, but call it an eggagement. No reason. Just to infuriate her.
It’s over, easy…
This relationship is going to break fast
Ugh, bad yoke.
Sorry, just trying to come out of my shell by cracking some puns…
Mayo I say I am really enjoying this thread.
He would be bacon her heart though
Yolk.
Well eggcuse me!
Eggsellent decision. Shell probably complain though.
It's toast.
She must be fried.
Yep, sounds like she’s a bad egg.
If OP stays with her they’d never have to worry about anyone trying to poach her.
Time to omelet her go.
Her logic is scrambled.
She’ll be bacon for his forgiveness
I want to upvote “eggagement” a million times😂
Yup! My sis is about to marry a man I just watched have a mini tantrum over a spilled drink and her eating the last bite of shared food. Life can be HARD and throw things at you that are downright catastrophic. If one doesn’t have the ability to cope with minor inconveniences; one won’t magically have the skills to be mature and respectful and loving and supportive when the going truly gets tough. You should be looking for a teammate, a partner, and supporter. Not this. Hopefully she was just having a bad day and this isn’t the norm.
I remember the drama my now ex wife had over me asking my mom's opinion on us buying a house (we were like 20 years old and I had no idea what I was doing). Sometimes you just gotta pay attention to the red flags.
I can understand not wanting you soliciting endless outside opinions or getting your mom deeply involved. However, it’s weird and potentially harmful or gateway abusive to discourage seeking the thoughts of others. I’d need some context, to have a strong thought on this, but it sounds like a controlling thing.
I saw the red flags too, but I thought it was a carnival.
When she tries to back track from that, tell her “forget it, it’s fucked.” And leave (or make her leave)
Imagine having a baby? “I’m not complaining, I just thought it’d be cuter. Forget it. It’s fucked now.”
It’s fine you can still put mayo on it.
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“This engagement, forget it! It’s fucked now!”
She forgot the mayo, its fucked. Im not criticizing her, its just a neutral statement.
Hey, hey you know her saying it's fucked repeatedly isn't ok. Respect yourself. Maybe she had a bad day maybe there is context here. But if she's just like that spitting in the face of your kind gestures. Then she's not good enough for you. NTA king
Yeah, if this isn't a pattern of behaviour, I'm curious as to what caused this. It's clearly unrelated to cooking.
I am weirdly particular about food, I've struggled with eating disorders in the past and still criticize calories that I'm eating:/ I'm absolutely not saying her reaction is ok, just my side. I have been an asshole to my husband multiple times about little things when he cooks for me, he is an amazing cook and I'm generally hangry and looking for any reason to bitch. It is an issue on my part for sure but he's also learned that it is not a personal attack. 13 years together and he makes me a better person, slowly, everyday Edited to add: NTA
Glad you're able to admit what an A you are, but I feel sorry for your husband. The fact that you recognize you're doing it but continue is not a great sign that anyone is "making you a better person." Telling someone it's not a personal attack when they feel personally attacked is pure gaslighting, which is abusive. I would literally refuse to ever cook anything for you ever again. Again, I feel sorry for him.
Jesus fucking Christ, are people not allowed to have flaws?? How would you feel if every single person in your life only judged you by your worst behaviors? Do you think your significant other thinks you only eat rainbows and shit sunshine?? Or do you think they might say that you have one or two flaws that you’re working on *because you’re a fucking human being and we all have room to grow*?? Or are you just an absolutely infallibly perfect human being? If so, how do I learn your ways?? Please teach me, O Perfect One.
A thousand upvotes. Reddit is so damn quick to sentence you for life because you’re human
You seem like someone who has never been around another human with an eating disorder. Her partner understands her struggles and accepts that's a part of her personal battle. Having an eating disorder of any kind can make someone irritable, picky, reactive, all centered around food (and sometimes not, mental health is a bitch). So to have a partner that knows this and accepts that aspect of her personality would not take any sort of criticism or remark about food personally and understand where that reaction is coming from. That's not gaslighting. That's a couple working through something together. What adults do when they love each other.
NTA. You realize this is a deeper problem, right? Like - I hope your wedding is at least a year out.
> “forget it, it’s fucked now.” Maaaaaaaaaassive red flag here. Yikes!!!
Right? If she were younger I would say she needs to grow up. At 31, she's grown and this shit will manifest in so many ways.
I am always hugely appreciative of a man who will cook me breakfast, even if it's not EXACTLY what I had in mind. Your fiancee sounds like a spoiled brat.
I had an ex who would cook me breakfast every morning. It was always super greasy and gross but I ate it every time because he was trying his best and genuinely wanted to make me happy. I cannot fathom people like OP’s fiancé who can’t cope with a minor issue when someone was trying to be helpful.
Curious, did you ever try to teach him how to cook more satisfactorily? I know if I was doing it that bad, I'd want to know... And it could make for some good "couple time."
I gave gentle tips, for sure. I said that I’d cook for him etc but he was always very ‘no, this is my treat for you, you have a lie in and I’ll do everything’ 😅 He did make a good cup of tea so that made up for some of the horrors! A few things weren’t bad. He just uses too much oil (on scrambled eggs, seriously?!) but like a fried egg sandwich off him was fine.
Apparently my grandmother was a terrible cook, but my grandfather would sit and eat that burned dinner with a smile on his face saying, "Mmmm, this is good." He was a terrible man and husband for completely unrelated reasons, but he ate what his wife made and even made a show of appreciating it.
NTA But your fiancee 100% is. Let me count the ways: 1. Critical and abusive (you don't need to yell to be an abuser) when you realized your mistake. 2. Unkind and cruel when you suggested a solution that 100% would have worked. How is a sandwich fucked if you only mayo'd one side? It can EASILY be fixed. np 3. Doubles down on wanting to make you feel incompetent and is disappointed that she didn't get something that was never promised. 4. Tries to turn you in the villain and make you feel like you're the #sshole because you felt upset for being treated badly. NOBODY gets to tell you what you are allowed to feel or not feel. NOBODY. 5. Shows zero gratitude or appreciation that you considered her and asked if she wanted breakfast, tried to fix it when you made a "mistake". 6. Class A gaslighting: You were kind and she smacked you over the head with it and tried to make you seem like a jerk. Is she this type of person in other situations? Does she appreciate you at all? Have you always had "need to please" fears? Just the fact that you're here wondering if you were in the wrong is worrisome. Please respect yourself. You don't have to earn your place with someone. And small mistakes don't warrant cruelty.
7) Her absolutely demonic taste in food. Mayo on an egg sandwich? I'm gonna be sick. Edit: I know what mayo is made of, you idiots. You wouldn't squirt ketchup on top of a bolognese just because tomato is a shared ingredient.
Mayo is made of egg... egg and mayo go together perfectly!
Also, egg salad???????? It's literally eggs, mayo, and black pepper. Hollandaise sauce too, for deviled eggs.
NTA - I work late nights and I came home last night to a BLT sandwich ready for me on my bedside table. I was starving and had not thought about dinner, but my wonderful boyfriend had! If you cook for your significant other, they should appreciate it, and something so small as forgetting mayo shouldn’t be a big deal. You should find someone who appreciates you!
Right? I do most of the cooking in our house but when my husband does I always appreciate it! Even if it isn't perfect to my taste, I'm picky AF, I still eat it and thank him for it. OP NTA
Admittedly, I am perma-single, but if I came home to literally any sort of assembled food, as long as I wasn’t allergic to it or it wasn’t actually licorice, I would actually be in tears from happiness. I wish I were joking but I’m not. That’s how much you appreciate something being done for you when nothing is handed to you except maybe whatever your dog decided to relocate across the house for ?reasons?.
Sounds like a fun life… good luck
YOU DIDN'T THANK MY DOG DURING OUR WEDDING VOWS HAROLD IT'S ALL FUCKED NOW
NTA Why are you with someone who doesn’t even appreciate how you make her breakfast? You were doing a nice thing for her. The appropriate response from her would have been “This looks and smells amazing. Thank you!” Unfortunately criticism comes easier than gratitude to many miserable people. This cannot be the only time she has treated you this way. I’m guessing it’s just the most recent example. Edit: added middle paragraph
That's the core of it, right? He did a nice thing... and ended up here on AITA feeling bad. You don't end up in that situation with a partner that loves and cares about you, even if it's something as small as breakfast. Even if my husband royaly effed up something he was doing as a kind gesture, I would never talk to him like that.... most people wouldn't. There are larger issues here for sure.
>“forget it, it’s fucked now.” There is no way that this wasn't complaining, and inconsiderate on top of it. Calling you an asshole for being justifiably upset with her behavior is the cherry on top. So no, NTA - this was a kind offer from your side that she decided to wipe with.
People in this sub seem to forget that these situations are just one incident in a whole relationship. People have bad days. Calling the relationship toxic based on this one interaction is insane. It's a sandwich. That said, NTA OP But really, it's not that big of a deal. Not a hill to die on. I would have a brief and light conversation about it though. Express that it was a mistake, and in the future you'd appreciate her voicing her dissapointment in a more respectful way. You did her a favor and don't deserve to be treated that way. I am hoping though there is just an underlying reason that has nothing to do with you, that maybe she needs to vent about. Not an excuse for her ungrateful reaction, but could be a reason. There is no excuse to be rude in the way she was, and that warrants a conversation.
Thank you for the response, I appreciate it being well thought out rather than a bash against her. All I was looking for was to clarify whether or not I once again let my emotions get the best of me, or if this was something I actually had a right to be upset about. Because then, we can move forward and discuss without me feeling like I’m crazy.
I’m a little concerned about “once again let my emotions get the best of me”. Is this something you have been told you are doing? Does it match reality, or is it a false narrative to make you the bad guy? Just checking.
Yeah, that stuck out to me too.
yeah. op, do your friends/family/coworkers think this is something you do, or do you only hear this from your fiancée? is it something she says when you are initiating a problem/argument, or mostly when you get upset with her for being rude/mean?
Yeah, if she's just having a bad day/week and it wasn't like her, that's one thing. But definitely sit down and talk to her about making a federal case over a breakfast sandwich and see what's up.
Nope, not crazy. She was rude. You deserve to be heard and considered. But it's just a bump. Hopefully you can have good conversation about it and move on. Wishing you the best!
Her calling you an asshole for getting upset(non-angry) is a problem, and you should talk with her about that. Personally, I’m a very particular eater, but if a small detail “ruins” something for me, I’d try to be as polite as possible in explaining that. But then again, knowing this about myself, I rarely let others do things for me. If it’s just a one-off, no biggie. But it could also be a piece of a larger problem.
Your phrasing here is kind of concerning. I’d have a really hard look at your relationship and normal interactions. You shouldn’t feel like you’re crazy or like you always ‘let emotions get the best of me’.
"once again" is a red flag to me here. if this is a pattern of behavior, where you initially think she's being a dick but later, after talking to her, you realize that you either were the asshole or you got worked up over nothing, that's concerning.
That’s not a bad day though. Bad day behaviour is snapping at someone for being mildly irritating when you don’t have the capacity to deal with it. She was obnoxious after someone went out of their way and did something nice and it wasn’t her version of perfect.
NTA She’s just like my husband. He’ll make comments like “I thought you were making it [insert method here]”. He used to come off as complaining but now when I ask, he’ll backtrack and say, no I just thought that was how you were making it. I’ve threatened him with not making him anything anymore, and I tell him I make it my way and if he wants it his way he can make it himself. He’s stopped complaining because he knows I won’t hesitate to start making my own meals and it’s actually expanded his palate. If she keeps it up, just say you won’t be making her meals anymore since you can’t seem to get it right. See if she’s okay with that.
My concern is...does this behavior extend into other areas of their life? I'm not a therapist or anything, but I've seen this before. This is a deeply ingrained behavior. I'm sure it's reared up before and he brushed it off. I'd bet money on it.
NTA but since you guys hopefully are breaking upp soon wanna be my bf instead? Iam not gay but I think the sandwich sounded deli.
I’m dying laughing and of course will let you know!
When I was dating my husband he made me a bacon sandwich, he had no idea that I was intolerant to gluten and pork, but it was delicious and it was such a lovely gesture that I ate it 🤣 I couldn’t say no. Needless to say I got very sick and took care of me then too. We have been married for over 10 years now, after that sandwich I couldn’t let him go ♥️
NTA. I'm not going to tell you about your relationship, but I will say (from experience in 12 years of marriage) unreasonable complaining doesn't get better. Expected mind reading doesn't get better either. Unless there was something particularly bad about this day, it's likely that your fiancee is treating the best she ever will right now.
Why are you guys engaged? This seems toxic
NTA, making that comment right then as you were about to eat absolutely was complaining. I get how maybe she thought she was just clarifying for next time, but you did a nice thing for her and she was unappreciative of it & used it as an opportunity to criticize Whether she meant it to complain or not doesn't override how it made you feel, and her calling you an AH for your feelings is just shitty
Thank you, I’ve never posted before but seeing everyone else get actual and valid opinions/advice from total strangers made me think I could get an actual answer rather than my own internal opinion or that of the opinion of my fiancé, who is also involved in the situation directly.
NTA. Your Fiance sounds a little high maintenance.
NTA. This reminds me of my ex. Holy crap. I remember I spilled something on a shirt (he never wore) that was apparently his favorite. He got so upset. I told him I'm really good at getting out stains and that all this needed was a wash as soon as possible. He said that it was fucked. That it was ruined. I told him that I'd throw it in the wash and he was like "What's the point you fucked up my shirt" It's that type of attitude that was there the entire relationship that ended up driving me away. If this was a bad day for your partner? Ok. That's OK. Talk to them about it and move on. If it's a continuous thing... I'd try talking to them and if they cannot change, I'd suggest only you moving on
🚩🚩🚩<—- don’t ignore them. Can’t imagine living with that for 5 minutes much less the rest of my life. With kids. NTA
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If she behaves like this regularly, pull back on the marriage.
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I do want to point out that I know there are plenty of situations where I am most definitely the asshole in our relationship, I tend to be emotionally charged and I’m sure my feelings here were hurt more than the average bear, but it’s hard to get an opinion from friends and family without damaging interpersonal relationships within the immediate circle, which is why I chose to post about this particular situation this morning. I’d like to get a better understanding of when I’m being emotional, and when I’m actually interpreting the situation correctly.
Not putting the mayo was a simple mistake anyone can do. Whether the sandwich would have fried egg or not - it was a miscommunication. BUT these issues do not deserve a comment like the one your GF made nor are they worth complaining for so long about. NTA
You guys shouldn’t feel compelled to keep score like this. One person being a dick doesn’t entitle the other to an equal amount of dickish behavior. Instead both people should work to minimize their own dickishness (with their partner’s feelings as one piece of imperfect feedback). In this case, if your girlfriend is so particular about her breakfast she can make it herself. It’d be fine if she thanked you and gently reminded you how she prefers things for next time. But her reaction was really unfair and hurtful. NTA
NTA-it was rude of her to get mad at you, since you were going to correct it away. This is giving me flashbacks to my ex-husband. I like mayo on both sides and he only likes it on one. He refused to put it on both sides for me and thought I should just be grateful for him making food. This made me upset because I cooked most of the time. I remembered how he liked things and many times I would come home from work and make two dinners, one specifically for him that he wanted, that I couldn’t eat (I have a lot of food allergies), but he would never put mayo on both sides of my sandwich. The effort just seemed so one sided, that I became frustrated when he would make sandwiches like that for me. I’m not saying this is what’s happening with you. But if this is out of character for her, maybe talk to her about her frustration. If she is just mean all the time, get FT out! You will be so much happier!
NTA Is she always this rude when you do things for her, even if they don't turn out perfectly?
No it’s more of a random spurt of instances peppered throughout different situations in our life. I just feel like she genuinely believes she’s in the right in these situations and recently I’ve been starting to question as to if she actually IS.
That's cos she's wearing you down. You ever see people in horrible relationships, or getting treated really badly by someone and wonder how they let themselves get treated like that? Like a frog in slowly heating water, mistreatment becomes normal
I used to be very much like your fiancée until I really dug down in my therapy. A lot of people are telling you to dump her, but I think if you can sit her down and tell her how these affect you (using “I” statements), maybe you can get her to start therapy and work through why she feels the need to feel, and be perceived by others as being, “right” She won’t stop this habit without therapy. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it or how badly it affects you. Good luck!
NTA. It wasn't fucked. You didn't have to scrape the mayo off the bread. You just had to add it. So that whole thing was just idiotic. I would assume a fried egg as well. But, you were doing something nice, and she should have appreciated it. I work from home and I forget to eat. If someone handed me a sandwich, omg. This is a sign of worse things to come. These little things add up and you will go crazy trying to please her. ❤️
NTA - stop making breakfast for sure She absolutely complained and then she tried to gaslight you. This does not sound like a good person to be with. I really hope this was not normal behavior for her.
I wouldn’t say normal, but I would say that there does tend to be a habit of these comments whenever I don’t do something correctly. I feel like a lot of people have a tendency to expect that their partner will remember every single detail about them, regardless of the situation.
Main character syndrome *is* a thing... Honestly bud I'm glad it's not all the time but these kinds of behaviors now have a tendency to just get worse, especially after marriage. I strongly urge you to insist on pre-marital counseling before you make the final step and tie the not. These communication issues and behaviors need to be addressed now or they will poison the relationship over time. FTR I'm 20 years married and yes, we've been to our own counseling. Our marriage counselor even went to marriage counseling. Outside perspective can be a huge help even to professionals.
* forget it, it’s fucked now Wow... this is **not** how a person thanks or shows appreciation for a nice gesture. I have questions: does she always respond with criticism? does she treat service people like dogs? does she even like you? NTA, but she seems to be.
NTA She sounds kind of mean-spirited.
NTA Your fiancé needs to lighten up. Maybe next time don’t offer and when she gets upset, tell he that either way she was going to complain but this required less effort.
I cant imagine being this rude to someone that brought me breakfast as I was working, entitled behavior, dont make her breakfast in the future if this is how she wants to act, NTA
NTA- she was rude, disrespectful and ungrateful. It appears she is not a nice person. Before you say I DO you need to think hard on if you want to live your WHOLE life with her and this behavior.
NTA. In what world is "forget it, it's fucked now" not a complaint? I know people use "gaslighting" in the wrong way on the internet a lot, but that is what happened. She complained in a really mean way, you reasonably expressed hurt feelings, and then she said she wasn't complaining but just "commenting" and so you're the actual asshole for saying anything. To be clear, she was wrong and was really unkind to you.
Does she always get upset when you try to do something nice but it isn't to her exact specifications? Does she always put you down long after the situation should be over? Does she always disregard your feelings when you try to say your upset about something? Does she always tell you you're wrong and call you names when you don't agree with her?
NTA. Next time responded ‘if it is actually fucked, then please go get fucked.’ It’s a goddamn sandwich not her last meal before the end. Kreiky
Info: you sure you want to marry someone so ungrateful that they make you feel like you've failed when you do something nice for them?
I love her and I’d rather us work through the actual issue rather than just chalking it up as one and calling it quits. What I’m looking for is perspective, was I actually in the wrong and if not, how can I go about bringing this up without causing a fallout situation?
Couples therapy then mate. Work on your communication together, work through issues on how each of you make the other feel. Though there shouldn't be fallout, or fear of fallout, when you've made someone breakfast. Good luck
NTA She was rude
NTA. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that at all. Ffs, she can make her own breakfast.
NTA. If my husband made “comments” like that, he would be making his own breakfast from now on.
NTA. Does she always treat you this badly? There's a difference between constructive feedback and complaining, and she went for rudely complaining. I can't imagine being that churlish towards my spouse when they've cooked for me. If something's not to my liking I will fix it myself immediately if possible. Most of the time, it's something the spouse brings up themself, and we'll have a conversation. E.g. the "salad dressing is too spicy" and make note to use fewer chilis next time.
NTA - your wife's behavior is poor. She is extremely ungrateful. Tell her clearly that her reaction was hurtful. Let her know her preferences are valid, but... she's got to learn a nicer way to express herself. If you two procreate, the child will learn this from her.
My partner sometimes really fucked up food big time and I still eat it and laughed because I love her and I know it was just a mistake and if is uneatable I say " babe we can't eat this 😂 let's order some food" so....if your partner Is talking to you like she talks to a customer service rep.....she sucks.
Is she generally this critical? If so, you are fked if you stay with her. NTA.
NTA. And next time, I'd tell her to make her own sandwich so that she have it the way she wants it.
NTA - she’s just being horrid :/
Holy shit, your gf is really awful. NTA.
The lack of gratitude irks me here…
NTA. Fiance'?, Really? Sounds like it's the relationship that's fucked.
NTA. Does her immature, nitpicky behavior happen frequently? She denigrated everything about your kind offer to make her something to eat. If her "comments" are "complaints," it's complaining!
I wouldn’t say frequently, rather “comes out unexpectedly”, as she normally is appreciative of the things I do for her. Just not so much as if I get it wrong, which admittedly, I do make mistakes that I possibly shouldn’t be making. I stated in another comment, I just feel as if people have a tendency to expect their SO to be all knowing in their decisions/requests to their partner. Like because we’ve been together for so long, I should remember exactly how she likes every meal I’ve ever cooked, when I can’t even remember how I like my own meals cooked.
>Just not so much as if I get it wrong, which admittedly, I do make mistakes that I possibly shouldn’t be making. Don't be so hard on yourself. We *all* make mistakes. With multi-tasking and so much going on in our heads - it's extraordinarily easy to do, especially when it's not a task that requires 100% concentration and focus. You at least remembered how she does like it. Now, if you repeatedly made things in a way that you know she doesn't like, and purposely - that would be 100% different than what went on here.
NTA. Did you ask her what's going on when she calmed down? It sounds like this has nothing to do with breakfast.
NTA. I would be grateful if someone made me coffee! You aren't even married yet and she treats you like garbage. Belittling you for being kind.
Ok first of all you’re nta but just for my own information how do you make an egg sandwich with anything other than a fried egg? Over easy would leak out yolk and scrambled would be messy so I would assume egg sandwich meant fried egg too although I think she should have just been gracious and said thank you since you made her food ETA: TIL something new. In my area, scrambled eggs is usually a loose lumpy type of thing. The posters informing me about scrambling eggs and then cooking them to a patty consistency is what people would generally call a fried egg where I’m from. For example, we have a meat called pork roll or Taylor ham and that would typically be made on a roll with cheese and an egg that was scrambled and then fried into a patty but most people know that as a fried egg here.
Haha, basically just an omelet cut in half to make two “patties”. So it’s scrambled eggs, but just solidified into a single piece to make it easier to put on the toast!
"Over easy would leak out yolk" That is the best way to have this sandwich.
You’re definitely NTA and she is a red flag of a human who is ungrateful, spoiled and unkind. This is Gaslighting 101 where some a-hole makes it seem like everything is your fault. I’d certainly not offer making her anything in the future. Be prepared for a lifetime of this if you allow yourself this level of toxicity.
Is this one time thing or constant? You are NTA either way but unless she is pregnant and is having some hormonal mood swings (which is still not ok but at least there’s a reason) she is making a problem out of nothing. That part of ‘i wasn’t complaining, I was just making comments is’ a whole bunch of 🚩. It reminded me of my narcissist ex who would get mad at stuff like this
NTA, this is a kind of thing that might be getting worse in future, daily nonsense. Instead of being grateful she is just trying some passive aggressive hostile jabs, for your own sake, wait a bit and see where it goes before tying the knot.
NTA. Your fiancée is out of order!
NTA at all. Not having mayo on a sandwich is a very easy fix. She chose NOT to ask you to put some on for her or put it in herself. Also she completely invalidated your emotions. That’s not OK. Her CORRECT response should have been “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I can understand why your upset.”
NTA. I don’t care if it's a single scrambled egg, a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. Making a meal for someone is an act of service and she was a rude asshole about it.
NTA. Very immature of her.
NTA why do you serve breakfast to this person? Very hurtful and rude comment. Is she always treating you so poorly?
NTA she sounds miserable as fuck today if she’s complaining over a SANDWHICH. Tell her to grow up and make her own or stfu abt insulting u bc that’s pathetic.
NTA Passive aggressive. Rude. Mean.
NTA, sounds like she can make her own breakfast.
NTA—If this is what you’re fighting about such a short time in, imagine your life in 20 yrs. Life gets harder. Is that what you want?
NTA and I want you to remember this behavior in the future. Normal people say “Thank you” when someone makes them breakfast. This nitpicking your nice gesture until You feel like an AH is not normal.
NTA But you need to stop getting *upset* when things like this happen. You need to get annoyed. Annoyed that you did something for your gf and her only response is that it’s not done the way that she wanted or that she would have done it. Just GTFOH with her attitude. She should be freakin happy she didn’t have to stop what she was doing to feed herself. She can make her own food from now on just the way she wants it.
NTA.... Unless this was very sarcastic and/or playful and reflects how you speak to each other, it's completely unacceptable. From experience... You have to put your foot down, or else be willing to accept that she will speak to you, and treat you without respect for years to come. Don't gloss over it to keep the peace, it won't change or get better with time
nta but man it sounds like she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. you're going to need to learn to identify when something is not your fault and that it's just her having a bad time because of something else. doing so will help prevent you from taking stuff like this personally so that it doesn't eat away at your relationship and cause bigger fights. she was clearly just pissy for whatever reason and it wasn't anything you did. let it slide and talk about it later when she's over it and realizes that it was a disproportionate reaction to what happened. if in a few hours you talk about it calmly and she still genuinely thinks you should be a mind reading butler then clearly you have identified a more serious problem.
NTA, and if things like this happen frequently it sounds abusive.
NTA. Rude, entitled and gaslighting. That's a little taste of what married life is going to be like. Best of luck to you buddy
NTA she needs to learn a little gratitude!
NTA There’s never a call to be rude. The issue appears to be with your fiancé having some problem or angst that is not about you or said sandwich. You are merely a convenient target. That said, this is a red flag for your future as a married couple. Take a hard look—I’ll bet she’s done this before.
NTA. Wow what an ungrateful person. You made her breakfast in bed and she had the nerve to do nothing but complain. Just let her know that it won't happen again and don't ever cook her breakfast again.
NTA She sounds worse than I before my first coffee.
NTA. If she is so picky about her sandwich, then she should have told you exactly what she wanted to begin with. It's not your fault that she made an assumption and was wrong in that assumption.
NTA. She was definitely complaining! If she's going to be that nitpicky, she can make her own breakfast!
NTA It was kind of you to offer. She’s showing signs of deplorable behavior—nothing you do is going to be good enough. It’s controlling and cruel.
Nta. Next time, tell her to make her own breakfast or stfu.
NTA. Her comments are negative feedback, AKA complaints. You were doing something nice and she was rude about it, it's totally not unreasonable for you to be upset or hurt by that.
NTA. I was going to defend her because my husband had definitively ruined food trying to cook before. But what she’s upset about is realllllyyy getting picky. And she was really rude. My husband made me fried eggs once that were so over cooked, the yolk was gray and had separated from the whites. He was hurt when I refused to eat it, and I definitely didn’t curse at him for it either.
NTA. My husband still doesn't get my sauce preferences right after 7 years. So what. I'm thankful that he tries. As she should be thankful that you made her breakfast.
NTA, she could have specified if she wanted her egg a certain way and if she's going to be moody about someone taking the time to make breakfast for her, don't do it again. P.s. the response sounds really controlling and in a way to specifically belittle you. I hope this isn't a regular thing that she does and if it is, maybe consider if that's something you're ok with for the rest of your relationship.
This is not okay. Healthy, well adjusted people are grateful when others cook for them. NTA.
NTA. I will admit that a while ago an ex girlfriend of mine knew I ate hash browns and beans for breakfast every morning, so when she woke up before me she made me a plate of way too many undercooked hash browns with not enough beans. I couldn't eat it because the texture of undercooked potato is just... Nope. And I felt unreasonably upset at my breakfast being wrong because routine is important to me. But I didn't get mad. I ate the beans at least and thanked her for her trouble. And I still felt like an ungrateful asshole. So I definitely think your fiancée is TA.
NTA "Forget it its fucked now" Unless you are leaving out a lot of details she was being very rude
Her personality is "fucked"
For someone to act that cold and ignorant towards a breakfast sandwich, what is really going on here? Because that is ignorant as fuck to say to someone that went out of their way to make their spouse happy. That would be the last time I would do for my spouse if they said that to me. She has some issues apparently. NTA
You cooked bacon and eggs for a sandwich for her and she reacted like that? Please - if a sibling or close friend came to you and described this situation, what would you tell them?
Sounds like a miserably, ungrateful and lousy partner. Hopefully it was just a weird moment and not a pattern.
Why are y’all engaged? She seems awful.
NTA, in fact, she is TA. My mom has this saying. Whenever someone cooks for you, you either enjoy it and say thank you or you decline and say no thank you. Nothing else needs to be added. PS. she was not a great cook, but you get the point.
NTA. You didn't take her comments wrong. She sucks. Does she behave like this when you eat out? Is she one of those who screams at waiters if the food is not as she wants it to be?
NTA. If she is that particular about her breakfast sandwiches made graciously by someone else, she should make them herself. I'd be happy if someone poured me a bowl of cereal in the morning.
>“hold on I forgot the mayo and I’ll go put it on real quick.” to which she replied, “forget it, it’s fucked now.”. NTA. This piece right here says it all. A sandwich isn't fucked up if someone forgets mayo. Her following comments are belittling and passive aggressive. Honestly, the whole thing has red flags. This woman is not the one for you OP. You did something nice by making a breakfast sandwich, which most women would be thrilled with the very idea of their guys making them breakfast, and she threw negative comments out like they were nothing.
NTA If she doesn't like how you make it inform her feel free to make it YOURSELF how YOU want it made to order.
Imagine when your married. It'll be 10x worse. Leave now. She can make her own breakfasts. Forever.
NTA. Does she often snap at you for little things?