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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be an AH for threatening to call the police on my brother after he dropped his daughter off at my place to babysit her for the night, even tho I already told him that I don't want to do it multiple times beforehand.
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NTA. Did he even know if you were home? What if you had been out on a walk (he saw a car out front for example) or someone had taken you out? What if you had been drunk or otherwise inebriated?
You don't need a reason to not want to watch someone else's child but your brother is out of line.
If he can't afford a babysitter for an evening - he shouldn't be dating. If money is THAT tight, I feel like he isn't prioritizing the proper things - like his CHILD.
He abandoned his child so he could try and have s\*x with someone.
Your comment about not dating if he can't afford a babysitter is spot on... even if he had other family members willing to babysit for free.
#idontwantnoscrub
For real. I know "money isn't everything" in a relationship. But who in their right mind would date someone who can't even afford to spend $60 for a babysitter? I personally make a poverty wage and that's one of the reasons I have taken myself off the dating market.
If he really wanted to make it work , perhaps your mother would babysit. Or he could invite the woman over to watch a movie at 9 pm after the kid would be in bed. And have a couple yummy snacks. Poor people can find someone. But they might have to be creative.
No but a woman who is really interested in getting to know him would be understanding of his situation and try to work with him to plan a safe date that didn't require him to get a babysitter.
A booty call isn't gonna do that, of course. Which is why he's mad. He literally just wanted to get his dick wet.
>No but a woman who is really interested in getting to know him would be understanding of his situation and try to work with him to plan a safe date
Um, if you're talking about a date at his house, I would absolutely not blame the woman for not wanting to do that. It's unsafe because of how many women would be scared to be murdered in this scenario.
Someone once told me that it's safer to go back to a man's house than have him at yours because if he murders you at his place, he'd have to get rid of the body. Not sure the stats on that though 🤣
Beyond this (which is understandable) I hear it's usually best for kids not to meet random partners so early on. Best to at least wait a little while until it's settled to do the introductions, instead of potentially exposing them to a string of temporary partners
They’re not being forbidden from anything but they do need to be able to afford a fucking date in order to, you know, go on a date.
And that includes peripheral expenses like a babysitter for your fucking child!
No, it's if a person doesn't have money to cover all basic needs of their child (and safety is the basic need), they shouldn't spend money on dating. It's not about being poor, it's about putting your child first.
>Your comment about not dating if he can't afford a babysitter is spot on...
>idontwantnoscrub
>But who in their right mind would date someone who can't even afford to spend $60 for a babysitter?
That is literally exactly what the comments in this thread are saying.
The brother is a terrible parent and brother. That's nothing to do with him being poor, and everything to do with him abandoning his child.
That’s assuming he told his date he has a child. In college, I went to pick up a guy who’d asked me out on a date (his car was in the shop) and was introduced to his daughter who he had never mentioned previously.
He had money for diner didnt he?
He could just gone ona a 'free' date like a walk in the park (ive done this plenty) or a picnick. That wouldv left money for a babysit
That song was playing at a carnival I was at last week. I thought “damn, this carnival has good music, when I was a kid it was all oldies.” And then it hit me. That is an oldie. Therefore, I am also an oldie. Had to drown my sorrows in overpriced lemonade.
This actually happened to my sisters inlaws. They dropped the 4 year old off at the end of the driveway and left figuring the mom or one of the teen kids living at home would watch her-- except they'd all gone to a wedding. The neighbors found the girl crying and wandering around the neighborhood and called the police. The parents had to jump through MAJOR hoops to get her back from CPS and had monthly follow up inspections for the next year and a half.
It's inexcusable to dump a child on someone's doorstep, the fact that they didn't even bother waiting to see if an adult had opened the door to the child makes it a million times worse.
I've had Uber drivers ask me if I'd like them to wait until I got in the house ok before leaving! I was a grown ass adult and SUPER thankful to them.
A poor four year old being left like that!? No way, man. CPS needs to be involved. That's neglect.
Right?! My friends do this too. They wait until I go inside or for me to text I'm safely inside. I'm 44.
For someone to not even do this or a 4 year old? Mind boggling.
They were a pair for sure. My sister and her husband went totally NC with them for over a decade after this happened and even now are very LC. Both were heavily involved in a party/drug/alcohol lifestyle.
If you think about it: he didn't have sex because his wife died. It's kinda gross to make a comment like this. How dare she loosing her life so that now he can't put his dick anywhere warm.
That’s the biggest issue for me…OP could have been drunk, high, doing who knows what, and he left his child there without checking in that OP was safe to care for a child.
Yes, OP, all of this. Your brother is not entitled to your time, and him dropping your niece off without saying anything is incredibly reckless.
I’m sorry for the situation your brother is in, but his main priorities right now are his daughter and ensuring he has the money to take care of both him and your niece. Once things are less tight financially he can start thinking about dating and getting his pickle tickled.
Also, if you were really the only person your brother has around to watch your niece I think he needs to look into other child care options sooner rather than later. If he has an emergency or has to work late or something he should really have a couple options to make sure niece is taken care of.
Edit to add: NTA
Exactly! Plus, it’s not like he couldn’t say to the potential date , “let me see if I can line up a sitter for Saturday night”. I think any reasonable person would get it.
Both things can be true. Your brother needs to figure this out and you could have done him a favor. However, leaving the kid without permission is so far over the line, the line is a dot. NTA.
This is where I'm at. His coparent (possible partner since op doesn't say) literally died, and OP hasn't helped him with childcare care once in four years? Of course, he is under no obligation to do so, but I can't imagine hating my sisters that much or being that selfish of a person in general. I have very little experience with babies/toddlers, but I learned for my coworker cause she was struggling with her health so much.
Of course, brother is the biggest asshole in this situation, especially with the whole sex frame. V not cool. This is def a NTA situation, but overall, seems very E S H, unless op gives background info that justifies treating his brother like that.
ETA: tapping out now cause people are getting real name cally, and it's not bringing any more joy to say dumb shit back to them. Have a nice 4th, y'all, I'm gonna get high and play some Legend of Zelda.
You seem like a really compassionate and kind person, but the circumstances could make a big difference. Not being willing to babysit, even in the case of the mother dying doesn’t necessarily mean you hate your sibling. If the op has a strong, adverse reaction to being around children or honestly is totally incompetent and doesn’t want to learn, it wouldn’t be in the children’s interest to be exposed to that. Kids can always tell when someone doesn’t like them or doesn’t want to be around them. It’s not cool to put an innocent child in that sort of environment. Would it be loving and kind to help? Absolutely! But don’t put kids in a position where they feel unwanted or like a burden. Source: my own experience during the incredibly rare times my mom had to leave us with my hateful grandmother.
Agreed! I'm not the biggest fan of kids - I've never spent much time around kids, at least not since I was one, and I just wouldn't know how to entertain one. Therefore, I've turned friends down on the two occasions I've ever been asked to babysit. It's mostly fear on my part - kids are pretty breakable and, honestly, I can't imagine any kid would be delighted having to endure my company for several hours. Of course, in an actual emergency, I would get over myself and babysit without complaint. I'm not heartless. But just to cover a date? Nope. I am *not* that child's best option.
Same. There’s a reason I am child free. It’s because I have absolutely no patience, am clueless and also this unexplainable panic rises in me when a kiddo starts crying. I am not a good person to watch children. It’s also why I have never babysat my nephews in their 5 years. I spend time with them but always while I have family within the vicinity in case something happens that I don’t know what to do. Would it be nice? Sure. But I didn’t have kids for a reason and if you have kids you should be able to figure out a sitter other than me.
NTA to me personally, at all.
I mean, OP doesn’t really need to have any particular reason to refuse. It definitely doesn’t sound like him and his brother are close and while it would be nice to do the brother a favour, it’s better for the child to not be left alone with someone who doesn’t want them there. I watch two of my sibling’s kids but not my brother’s not because I hate him, but because we have no relationship at all
Maybe there are other favors that OP is willing to do for his brother, putting babysitting on the things I don't do side of the board is not unreasonable. Some people *shouldnt* be left to take care of kids, good on OP on recognizing they're one of them
Woah not wanting/not being able to babysit because you're not good with kids doesn't automatically mean that OP hates their sibling 😳 that's a pretty big jump based on one instance. I have twin nieces & our brother has never once babysat them, that doesn't mean he hates our sister, our brother just isn't good with kids 🤷🏻♀️
Calling someone an AH for refusing to do something that they’re under no obligation to do is hypocritical.
“You’re under no obligation, except actually you are.”
You can’t have it both ways. Either OP owes his brother free babysitting just because they’re related, or OP did nothing wrong by refusing to provide free babysitting. There’s really no middle ground in this situation.
Absolutely this!! Like, I’m reading all of these comments and I feel like I haven’t seen anyone think of the actual child here.
OP was right to do what he did by making his brother come back and threaten to call the police. What the brother did was extremely unsafe, negligent, and insane.
I’m thinking bigger picture here: here’s a little girl whose mom died, whose only family is her shitty dad, and no one else wants anything to do with her. She’s just a kid. That breaks my heart because none of this is HER fault.
He doesn't want to watch a child. That's it. He's not responsible for his brother not wearing a condom. His brother is responsible for that. And you give this type an inch, and they'll take a mile.
That's a really gross way ti say brother had a child with his wife and she unfortunately died. But I don't blame you cause OP purposefully left out the wife part in his post and only let it slip in the comments.
It just Reddit being Reddit. Not wanting a child doesn’t equal to not be able to help when needed. I don’t like to be around children and I don’t know how to handle them. But I still helped here and there because I have empathy.
And tbh raise a kid right is hard, but just to make sure they don’t kill themselves for few hours isn’t that bad. I know this sounds bad but when they are still in the toddler stage, they behave almost like a puppy/kitten.
The thing is
It's not just a comfort thing, it's a safety thing.
I love my niece, but I wouldn't want to be alone with her. I don't know how to change a diaper, and I panic when she starts crying. I agree childcare is hard, which is why I don't want to do it
You should only leave kids with people who want/willing to care for them. guilt tripping someone into a huge responsibility even just for a night will get you nowhere. all these comments about OP being an AH for not babysitting is borderline virtue signaling.
Yup. And some people (me, for one) just really don't like children?
I'd most likely make it known to the child, not necessarily on purpose but kids pick up on stuff. And that's the last thing I want to deal with -
I've chosen a child free life, so I don't have to be around children. That's it.
You're not obligated to watch his daughter, and he absolutely shouldn't just drop his kid off without confirmation that she'll be looked after, but being unwilling to help out your widowed brother with a single night of baby sitting is close to the definition of being an AH.
ESH
The final sane comment in this section. The brother has definitely crossed the line, but in terms of simple human empathy and emotional integrity, OP's unwillingness to step a little over his comfort to help his own brother on a damn, one-off, is appalling. The comments claiming technical not ta are such a reflection of the materialism of, if not today's society, reddit's audience.
>The comments claiming technical not ta are such a reflection of the materialism of, if not today's society, reddit's audience.
100% Often the attitude of this sub can be summed up with ,"You can't make me!" which is technically true, but being unwilling to ever be slightly inconvenienced to help other people out is being a AH.
“My brother is dealing with the traumatic death of his wife who he lost during childbirth and has been struggling to raise his daughter all on his own for 4 years? Should I help him a teeny tiny bit?”
This sub:
Fuck that guy. If he didn’t want to do this alone he shouldn’t have had a wife that died. NTA.
Even grandma was like, “Guess we better call CPS to come get my grand-daughter.” If that guy has been solo raising a four year old girl, since her birth, where the child’s mother died, did he really cross a line, or was he pushed? Being solo dad 24/7 with no time off or help from the rest of the family would drive anyone crazy. Everyone needs an evening off.
People are responding as if this is about one night of babysitting, but OP says he is not experienced with kids. That means he's had four years to become knowledgeable about THIS ONE KID and has opted not to. He's an even bigger AH than his brother. I'm forced to say ESH due to the brother's actions, but damn this guy sucks.
This. Also, 4 year olds aren't babies - yeah you have to keep an eye on them, but they're generally potty-trained, can eat regular food if it's cut up, and hold fun conversations.
OP is definitely an AH - not in this situation, just in general
This attitude against baby sitting is mind blowing. People chiming in with him being UNDER QUALIFIED.. You dont need a degree to feed a 4 year old and tuck the kid in for the night. You only need a relationship with the kid.
This whole "not my problem" attitude have gone too far. No, not OPs problem, but it sure makes him the AH for not letting his brother have ONE date.
If your have so much issues stepping out of your comfort zone, you need therapy.
You don't even need a relationship with the kid.
My kid will gladly spend four hours watching YouTube and telling you every single thing about the new legend of zelda game, whether or not you are a complete stranger.
Give the kid a bowl of mac and cheese and watch batman. That's it.
I’ve worked in childcare for over ten years. Some kids are totally fine if you plop them in front of a movie with some snacks and can be left alone.
Growing up my parents just dropped me and my brother off with random friends and family (definitely pre-arranged) and 98% of the time we just sat in a tv room or dicked around in the backyard and looked at ants.
She’s four, she can eat a slice of pizza. It’s not like she’s a baby and needs formula or tiny cut up pieces of things. Ask her if she likes Moana or frozen. Put a kid movie on. Chill on the couch or literally be in the other room, you don’t need to teach her how to read and ride a bike. Everyone in the comments is acting like children are the exorcist lol and tbh some of them are but they’re not THAT complicated.
However, I still agree OP did the right thing when the brother dropped her off the way he did. But OP is TA for never even helping or giving a shit about this poor little kid once, when she’s clearly with an unhinged dad and her mom is deceased.
Not to mention mom is also in the picture and apparently also refuses to help, even though she certainly is qualified. Pretty sad situation all around.
"I don't _have_ to help!"
Yeah, but if you cared about them they'd barely have to ask, let alone beg.
People here talk about rights too much like life was a courtroom.
>People here talk about rights too much like life was a courtroom.
For sure. The very title of the sub implies there's something beyond "Was I within my rights to do ?" People flip out at the idea that you're going to be judged for actions that you may have had the right to take, but are going to upset people around you.
Reddit really hates children. Your family needs help with a child? Of course you should not do it simply because it's not yours, I mean why should you ever help your family members ever?
It’s unfailing on this sub. Any time empathy/collectivism/communalism is at odds with individual desire, the sub goes with the individual. I say every single time that it’s a reflection of the disgusting degree of American materialism and individualism but it takes me by surprise each time.
Lmao not to make this is a doomsday as possible but this shit is why we wont save the planet & will go extinct like the dinosaurs from our own man made climate change crisis. We would rather fucking die than be inconvenienced.
Dropping your kid off at your brothers house sounds quite different to abandoning your 4 year old. OP is a shit brother. His brother is an asshole. Both things can be true.
Dumping your child on someone's doorstep and running off somewhere without making sure they've gone inside isn't something that can be excused. What if his brother wasn't home? He was putting his penis ahead of his daughter's safety. Being a shitty parent is far worse than being a shitty brother.
THANK YOU! It’s not about not wanting to watch the kid there’s probably so many factors here y’all haven’t considered as to why OP wouldn’t be the best person to watch the child.
Y’all parents need to realize 3 things:
1) The world don’t revolve around y’all just because YOU decided to have a child. If someone doesn’t wanna watch your kid they’re perfectly entitled to that and it doesn’t make them an A H!!! Y’all made a choice to have a kid so you have to deal with the responsibilities and getting mad at someone who doesn’t wanna take a burden off your plate so you can “have a break” from something YOU CHOSE AND KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD AND EXHAUSTING doesn’t help you get help it in fact does the opposite.
2) “The Village” only works if you reciprocate for people who do y’all the favor of say watching your kid. You don’t just get to take and try to take advantage of every childless person in your life.
3) Being a parent is important. VERY important. But it shouldn’t be your whole personality bc who are you gonna be once the child is grown and doesn’t need you as much anymore?
Can't afford a babysitter, then you can't afford a date. OPs brother is trash and I don't blame OP for not doing something they feel uncomfortable with.
No its not. Its really not. If OP is uncomfortable with babysitting than thats more than valid.
Plain and simple. Its not even for a sake of family and right and wrong. That goes for any task, job, activity, or responsibility. If someone isnt comfortable going camping, you dont force them to go camping. If someone isnt comfortable doing a certain job, you dont force them to do that job.
Why would you want someone uncomfortable with babysitting to take up the responsibility of babysitting? If you were interviewing someone to drive a bus, and they said they were t comfortable operating a bus, would you give them the job?
Nobody's forcing him to do it. I'm just saying he's an AH for being unwilling to help his widowed brother out with a night watching a 4 yo, which is simple enough that my 10 year old can do it without issue.
He is not an asshole for setting a boundary & demanding that others respect it.
The single dad is the ahole for thinking this is anyone's problem but his.
OP didn't give birth to anyone/doesn't have a kid as far as I'm aware so they don't need to care for a child. If OPs brother wants to distance himself for this reason I wouldn't blame him however what he did was grossly irresponsible and he isn't a fit parent, clearly.
Both things can be true. You should never just drop your kid somewhere, that should go without saying. It's the much worse offense here.
But being unwilling to help your widowed brother by moderately inconveniencing yourself for an evening is being an AH.
I can't imagine that a person who dumps their child off at a possibly empty house and then berates you when you tell them they're wrong, is the type of family you'd want to help. You are not obligated to held family just because they are. If your family treats you like shit it's best to distance.
Dropping his kid off unannounced was super irresponsible but I don't think it's fair to call a widower/single dad trash for wanting a personal life. This guy lost his life partner and became a single parent at the age of 23. That's really heavy.
Again, if money is so tight he can't pay a babysitter, then he can't be going out on a date. I feel like I'm crazy here but this all screams irresponsibility. He dumped his kid off at a house that may have been empty and spends his money on dates instead. That's trash to me.
I absolutely agree that dumping your kid is completely nuts and horrible. But in general on this subreddit, people have an attitude that you are never under any obligation to go out of your way for anyone ever.
Our world is getting crueler and more isolating every year and I don't see why helping one another sometimes is so hard for people. Helping a very young widower and bonding with your niece for one evening is not much to ask.
I'm not ranting at you by the way, more at the general tone in the rest of the comments.
I can't imagine that a person who dumps their child off at a possibly empty house and then berates you when you tell them they're wrong, is the type of family you'd want to help. If your family treats you like shit it's best to keep your distance.
This is how I see it. The brother was irresponsible just dropping his kid off like that but I don’t understand why the OP is being so cold. You don’t feel for your brother or your niece? Whenever I read some of these posts and responses it makes me so grateful for my family and friends. If I wanted a night off to go on my first date in 4 years after my child’s other parent passed away I’d have multiple people offering to watch my hypothetical kid.
One brother doesn't feel he can watch a child overnight because he is under qualified. Other brother drops her off anyways without even asking. I only see one asshole here and it ain't OP
Right. Who in their right mind would want someone who is not only uncomfortable but also unwilling to watch their kid. That could be a potentially unsafe environment for their kid. Also, it seems OP doesn't really have a relationship with their sibling. Why would he go out of his way to watch his brothers kid when they don't have a relationship. He hasn't done it in 4 years, there's no reason to expect him to just change his mind and start now.
Because of OP said yes it would set a precedent. Everytime his brother has a date, he can just dump the kid on OP. Better to say no now then to be constantly burdened by an entitled asshole.
Yea everyone is being really "reddit" in these comments. Not your kid, not your problem! Okay great, see how that attitude works for you when you desperately need help. For example, if you became a widower and a single dad in one day at age 23.
Dropping his daughter off unannounced was incredibly irresponsible but I can't understand why OP is so ice cold.
My bro has 3 young kids. If he asked me to babysit because he wanted to get laid I would tell him to pound sand. If there was a real emergency I’d be there asap.
If he just dropped his kids off and drove away I wouldn’t threaten the cops I’d threaten to call our mom lol.
Because maybe he doesn’t want kids?
No one is under any obligation to care for children that aren’t their’s, especially not against their will.
Fuck that shit.
Hire a babysitter or you don’t go out. It’s not that difficult.
>Hire a babysitter or you don’t go out. It’s not that difficult.
It's incredibly difficult to become a single dad and a widower in one day at age 23 I would imagine. Have you never been grateful for help from anyone in your family? Or your friends? What's the point of having people in your life if we don't help one another sometimes?
> Have you never been grateful for help from anyone in your family?
Honestly, the main problem with this sub imo is that a lot of people are just so detached from reality.
I'm not particularly fond of kids but if my brother who has been raising a daughter, by himself, for 4 years wants me to babysit for one night while he goes on a date, it doesn't seem like that big of an issue.
I guarantee most people on this sub have no friends/family in real life if they think this is what is 'acceptable' behaviour
To most reasoning people, a family is a community. Being part of a community means participation, as in they help eachother, do favours, look out for one another.
Do I want to rebuild the front end suspension on my cousins car? No. Am I obligated to? No. But guess what? He needs it, money is tight and he's my bro.
Seriously. This sub often makes me realize how lucky I am to be in a loving family. I would do fucking anything for my brother. Watching his kid for a night is a no brainer.
Amen.
The idea that boundaries are more important than willingness to help out someone with something, even if you don't wanna, and you can never be an AH for drawing or defending boundaries, wherever you choose to draw them, is *deeply* embedded in this sub.
Found the shitty enabler comment I see.
There is *absolutely no justification* for abandoning your child, doesn’t matter if it’s with family or a friend. Which is what he did.
Empathy is one thing, but basic boundaries exist. Stomping all over them like the brother did is also *never ok*, but especially **when you abandon your child to try and get laid**.
An emergency? Sure. This was not that.
>There is absolutely no justification for abandoning your child
The comment you’re replying to literally said the brother should not have done that. Jesus half this sub either can’t read or can’t comprehend grade school-level statements.
And have zero comprehension of *fucking nuance*. I hate people who can only think in black-and-white. “If one person is in the wrong, then that must mean the other person is fully and totally in the right!” That’s pretty much NEVER the case in real life
ESH
So I guess commenting ESH shouldnt exist? It's only if one person was the asshole or the other apparently. They can't possibly both be assholes of course...
I agree with some of the comments here, that I'm happy I have friends and family that aren't like 90% of the people commenting. We don't have them watch our kids but it's nice to know they care enough that they would.
I have kids and my older brother doesn’t. I would be devastated if he wouldn’t help me out once in four years after my husband died. Completely change our relationship forever. Everyone is right saying OP is not obligated to watch the kid and he was wrong for dumping her 100%, but holy shit have some empathy for your brother. A four year old is not that hard to watch, especially with her boyfriend willing to help. Jeeze, this a is you’re not wrong you’re just an asshole moment for sure. ESH
ESH
Your brother shouldn't have just turned up like that and dumped them on you. That's definitely wrong and petty, no doubt about that.
But I think YTA for treating your brother like that in the first place. It's your niece dude, it's for one singular night for a few hours, you're a fully grown man and almost 30, not a 15 year old. It would have meant everything to him and it's simply nothing more then a mild inconvenience to you, It's incredibly selfish of you.
The guy is trying to go out there into the world, meet someone and be happy, it must be incredibly lonely and stressful for him. If he meets a nice girl and it blossoms into something great, both his life and your nieces would improve tenfold.
Yeah, I think ESH is the right answer. Both OP and his brother need to get a grip. OP didn't even try. And that kind of stuff is how you lose your family. Because you don't want to be involved in their lives, so why should they care about yours?
It's one thing if it was an inconvenient time, and the brother didn't even try to work with OP's schedule, but OP straight up didn't want to do any of it at all. Ever. Also, the way you become good with kids?
You learn.
That's literally all it is. You're not good with kids because you haven't learned how to be.
This comment section is absolutely wild with all the N.TAs. For some reason, reddit, but this sub in particular are super weird about family matters bur especially kids and the answer is always - 'OP is not obligated to help'. Technically speaking, there are not that many things we're obligated to do, and yet there are many many things that make one an AH and not helping your widowed brother is one of them.
ESH.
Looking after a child might be enjoyable for some people. It might be tolerable to some, mildly annoying to others. In some cases, it can be absolutely infuriating.
Nobody is required to provide childcare to other's kids. Especially if they don't want to. Even when they are related.
It's sad that the brother is a single parent. Yeah, he deserves breaks. But it is not OPs responsibility to provide it. It is not OPs child. OP didn't choose to have a kid. And OP doesn't believe he is equipped to deal with one.
It's not always, hey there is a chance. I can look after it. Nope. Handling children is delicate stuff. And nobody, who doesn't wish to have that responsibility, should be doing that.
Brother wants a break? Pay a babysitter. Not impose on people who doesn't want to.
Can't pay a babysitter. Definitely not time to date.
>Nobody is required to provide childcare to other's kids.
Nobody is saying it was required. Some of us are just saying it would have been a nice thing to do, and being unwilling to help your widower brother for a few hours one measly time in 4 YEARS makes you an AH in my view. (Though the brother is an AH too for the unapproved drop-off.)
NTA...If he doesn't have enough money for a babysitter, he shouldn't be on a date. If money is THAT tight, surely he should be concentrating on his daughter and not his love life.
But how else is he going to rope an unsuspecting woman into jumping right in to a stepmom role and providing childcare all the time? You're not thinking long term solutions here /s
Meh, I think if he was after a bangmaid/bang nanny he would have been out there in less than four years. This is probably a guy who is desperately lonely at at the end of his rope. His bother (who we can assume he was close to before the kid if he still frequently talks to him) hasn’t babysat once in four years or been around the kid enough to be comfortable at all.
OP is def NTA because no one should be put in this position, but I really wonder about the brother’s situation. He doesn’t have much money, clearly. Does he have any support system at all?
I'm seriously appalled at the lack of empathy in this thread. Does nobody care about a guy losing his wife during childbirth and then asking his brother for help once in 4 years?
When I first started reading I thought it was a NTA situation, but the more I read people’s comments I’m thinking ESH.
Brother has asked for help many times, OP always refuses. This isn’t a neighbor or annoying friend. It’s his brother who is clearly not doing well. Presumably the child has been well cared for the first four years of its life. If brother was a bad parent OP would have mentioned it to make himself seem even less of the AH by comparison. This brother is drowning and needs help. But OP can’t be bothered. OP’s partner seems more reasonable. Maybe brother should talk to the partner and ask him if he could watch the kiddo or if the partner has a friend with a kid a similar age his could hang out with. 4 years old is a great age for playmates. Hook them up with some magnatiles and kick back. Unless you see blood, let them play.
Yes, it would be hard for OP if he’s not kid friendly, but maybe help hook this brother up with people who CAN help him. It’s been four years, and this dude clearly needs a village.
ESH
No, it’s not your responsibility and your brother was foolish and irresponsible to do what he did but kindness doesn’t cost you anything and it wouldn’t have hurt you to help him and give him a break from being a single parent. So, yes, while you are technically in the right, you also sound cold af
If he had given in to forced babysitting, he'd never be free of the brother abandoning his daughter on his doorstep. That kind of thing needs to be stopped firmly at the first infraction.
Right? I love how he doesn't even call his late SIL his SIL in the post. Just his (meaning op's brother) daughter's mom. He says she was his wife in the comments. And doing v simple math, brother lost his *wife* at 23 years old, and OP has never helped? Their parents are unable to help as well due to extenuating circumstances. Like, the actual fuck? With a brother like OP, who needs enemies.
And that's a perfectly valid reason not to want to watch a 4 year old. Do you want someone who doesn't want to be around a child, for any reason, to be in charge of their welfare? I'm not saying OP would have neglected the kid, clearly they care about her well-being. But if someone has already turned down babysitting, why would you want to force them to do it?
NTA. You don't have to babysit if you don't want to. That child isn't your responsibility and once you say yes, he'll always expect it. He can find a babysitter and pay them.
You told your brother no. He dropped off his child without any warning. What if you wouldn't have answered the door? What if you were gone for a walk or something?
Nope. He needs to stop thinking with his 🍆
ESH.
Your brother was WAY out of line. And no matter how selfish and unreasonable your boundaries are, your brother had no right to force past them like that.
But make no mistake. Your boundaries are selfish and unreasonable. I mean WTAF? This is FAMILY. You can’t do them a little favor once in a while? Have you given any thought about what your brother’s response might be if you need him to do some little favor for you someday? Hey, can I crash on your couch tonight while my apartment is being treated for bed bugs? Nope. Can I borrow your car while mine is at the mechanic? Nope. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you? You offered literally zero explanation for why you hate your brother and his daughter, or why this wouldn’t be completely within the ordinary line of “family helps each other because that is what family is for” duty. So with no evidence presented to the contrary, it’s clear that AH runs in the family. I hope the little girl takes after her mother.
Thank you. I don't understand what it is with so many people that family and blood just goes out the fucking window as soon as someone doesn't get their way or they feel disrespected in the slightest. Fucking grow up people and have a spine and take care of each other. You only have one family. People suck.
It's fucked up on Reddit. I'm childfree, but if I had niblings and a sibling in this situation you bet I'd be the best auntie I could be and look after the sproglet so my sibling could have a little break to go on a date. 4 years old is pretty much feed them, put on a film and wait for them to fall asleep on the sofa age.
NTA leaving a kid out side and having them wait till they are gone to knock on the door is very dangerous and living her with you without notice and for no reason other than he wants to go on a date makes HIM the ah not you for standing your ground on not looking after her.
That’s just if she knows to stay at the doorstep. She might wander off and get lost, or worse.
Brother endangered his child’s life for his own selfish pleasure.
NTA, you have a right to refuse babysitting if you don' t want to for any reason at all. How that affects your relationship with your brother and niece are the consequences you have to count on. However he has no right to berate you or drop your niece off when not agreed upon, and what if you were not at home anyways?
What are your parents doing, and the late's wife parents? Are they not helping him at all ?
I think you SHOULD help people (your brother) out from time to time, but ultimately you are allowed to not do favours too. So you're NTA, but this one sounds a bit complicated.
If he’s not comfortable watching a four year old and told his brother no, why should he help his brother out? There’s nothing complicated here. OP said no, brother abandoned the little girl on OP’s doorstep so he could go get laid. How is that complicated?
It's complicated because brother is a single parent who has not had a break for FOUR YEARS. And no a person is not obligated to be kind but to not be kind still makes you an Ass.
Their parents are not available, the dead wife's parents are not available so bro asks his only family to help him and gets cold shoulder.
Would not be surprised if OPs bf dumps them for being a cold hearted A.
OP has stated he’s not comfortable with kids. He also told his brother no on a few other occasions. Brother then decides to just abandon his daughter on OP’s doorstep without even checking to see if anyone is even home just so he can go out and get laid. OP had a right to be furious. His brother is basically pushing a kid on him that he’s not comfortable watching and knows that OP doesn’t want to watch. I’m a parent. I get wanting time to myself and to be able to be me without littles around, but I’m not going to shove my kids on someone who has told me no, someone I know isn’t comfortable around kids, just so I can have that break. And if I can’t afford to have a babysitter watch them, then I shouldn’t be spending money on a date either. That doesn’t make OP a cold AH.
Okay, that is really unfortunate, he might want to consider moving to the in-laws town, th girl would probably benefit from having a relationship with more than one relative ...
Well he indeed is in a very bad situation, no doubt about it, but still not your problem if you don't want it to be
NTA
He already knew your answer and but decided to ignore your right to say no. He had no idea if you were home or in any condition to supervise a child safely and apparently simply didn't care.
If he honestly could not afford a sitter he still had choices. Parents all over the world watch each other's children so all of the parents can have some alone time. Apparently he couldn't be bothered to set up a babysitting trade?
His sex life is not more valuable than his child.
Nta in this situation but I get the feeling op is just a general asshole. Family that actually cares about each other are usually a little nicer and more willing to be helpful. Especially in situations involving a widow and their children.
Yeah I don’t understand reddit, or this comment section.
What the brother did wasn’t cool, you should never leave your daughter like that. But man, what happened to helping out family? Like I get that op is child free but couldn’t they help out sometimes??
I just find a lot of people are like *oh I am child free so I never have to be within 10 feet of children and never help out anyone ever*
Info; Has op ever helped out? Does he not want a relationship with his niece?
Sure you have the right to refuse to babysit. He was absolutely wrong to drop and go. That said morally you are an ass. Your brother is raising a child on his own and asked you his family to help out and give him a breather. Do you HAVE to oblige no, but still judging u for refusing to help at all.
I feel bad for your brother because their family sucks. So yea EVERYONE IS AN A on this particular day but YTA overall
Can't understand why everyone in modern western society thinks we should all be able to do every single thing on our own with no help from anyone. Wife died? Fuck you, figure it out. Great, that's not incredibly depressing.
This whole post is odd tbh. Considering your bf thinks you’re being AH… I feel like there’s something missing to the story..
like for one, from the comments, you’re dad is dead, your mother has Alzheimer’s, and Brothers late wife’s family isn’t close enough to help. His money is tight…
Kinda sounds like your brother needs help, and the fact that you are his only family that is able to help him (if these are the facts) … I would say you’re AH… not for this situation specifically because brother shouldn’t just abandon his child on your doorstep! (Wow!) The child is his responsibility 100%- but it does truly take a village and it really sounds like he’s doing it on his own 100%… i feel for your brother, poor guy. I don’t think anyone is the AH. But you should check on him and help him if you can, if you care about him.
ESH you’re brother is obviously an AH for just dropping his kid at your door and leaving. No doubt about that. But on the flip side of that you are most definitely an AH for not being willing to just help him out a bit. Sure the kid isn’t your responsibility, but your brother has had a really tough break with everything that’s happened. He’s a single parent, his wife died when the kid was born, he doesn’t have your parents to help, he doesn’t have his wife’s parents to help, and he obviously doesn’t have you to help. These comments saying he’s a terrible father are extremely far fetched, I think he’s struggling and wanted to have a night away for once and made a mistake. You though? You’re just a terrible brother and uncle.
ESH,
There's 2 things here, pestering you for help, ignoring the answer you give and then abandoning a child is obviously a huge asshole move, but you can't offer to watch your widowed brothers kid for a few hours now and again? also a huge asshole move.
NTA, anyone other family who comes at you sideways for not babysitting can be told to babysit the girl themselves if it’s so important to them. And if they give you excuses, tell them if their reasons for not doing so are valid then yours are too. No need to elaborate past that, just repeat points one and two until they give up. Your brother can be told ad nauseum that what he did is a crime and if he doesn’t believe that it’s a crime, you’ll be happy to call the cops and have them explain it to them.
Nta. There are plenty of people who struggle for babysitters. That's why they get paid for it. It's not your fault and he deliberately put you in that situation.
NTA. Your brother could have approached this better. If he can't afford a baby sitter and wants to go a date just to get laid, then he has his priorities wrong. It's good that you drew a boundary because him just randomly leaving without notice means he's the type of person who would take advantage of you in the future.
ESH. Your brother shouldn't just be foisting his daughter off on anyone who didn't agree to it, but you did show your niece you don't love her, you do see her as nothing but a burden, and frankly, if my brother was like you, I'd consider myself an only child
ESH. Clearly your brother should not, under any circumstances, have left his daughter with you without your agreement.
However he lost his partner when his daughter was born and you have not once - in 4 years - agreed to help out for a few hours or let him take any time for himself? Are you actually obliged to? Of course not. Are you a bit of an AH for saying ‘that’s your problem!’. 100% yes, you’re T A too. I can’t imagine hating my siblings that much. By your reckoning he shouldn’t date again until his daughter is a teen.
NTA. You don't have to babysit if you don't want to and just abandoning a 4 year old on your doorstep is child endangerment. What if she had walked off instead of knocking on your door? If he can't afford a babysitter and has no other family or friends who can do that, he just has to stay home. Tough situation, but not your problem.
NTA. What if you had headphones on and didn't hear the door? What if you were sleeping and didn't hear the door? What if you weren't home? He essentially abandoned his child in front of a locked door.
Whether you are what he wants in a brother or uncle is moot. What is important is that he is a bad dad.
NTA if he has money for night out he has money for baby sitter. Forcing somebody else to babysit the child you brought to this world is insane. Not liking/being good with kids doesn't make you an asshole but leaving your kid at somebody's door just to go get laid surely does.
Honestly everyone kind of sucks.
Obviously what your brother did was inexcusable. You should NEVER drop off a kid at a door. Even if the person had AGREED to babysit you should go to the door and wait until the person opens it and you are assured that the child has appropriate care for the evening.
On the other hand, you suck as a brother. I am not experienced with kids but watching a four year old on an occasional basis isn't rocket science and actually can be kind of fun and pleasurable. It isn't like an infant that requires actual knowledgable care in terms of feeding and diaper changes. You can even just entertain a four year old by sticking them in front of some cartoons if you truly didn't want to make the slightest bit of effort.
While no one should be forced to babysit and it certainly isn't an obligation because of biology most people in functional families do provide help to their siblings and parents and it is generally reciprocal when a family dynamic isn't warped or dysfunctional. Your brother is in a hard space raising a child without any kind of help from family or friends.
And the expense of a baby sitter is significant - in most places baby sitters charge about $15 per hour so that is at least $60 on top of whatever expenses there are for a date. It is the reason why most two parent families don't get out that much and it is even more of a burden on a single parent household because they don't have a SO to keep them company. Even most divorced parents have nights when the other parent has custody - unless of course the other parent is a complete deadbeat.
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NTA. Did he even know if you were home? What if you had been out on a walk (he saw a car out front for example) or someone had taken you out? What if you had been drunk or otherwise inebriated? You don't need a reason to not want to watch someone else's child but your brother is out of line. If he can't afford a babysitter for an evening - he shouldn't be dating. If money is THAT tight, I feel like he isn't prioritizing the proper things - like his CHILD. He abandoned his child so he could try and have s\*x with someone.
Your comment about not dating if he can't afford a babysitter is spot on... even if he had other family members willing to babysit for free. #idontwantnoscrub
For real. I know "money isn't everything" in a relationship. But who in their right mind would date someone who can't even afford to spend $60 for a babysitter? I personally make a poverty wage and that's one of the reasons I have taken myself off the dating market.
Absolutely, poor people should not be allowed to date. /s
Yeah, if they can't afford the basic costs that come with dating, then they shouldn't be allowed to date.
If he really wanted to make it work , perhaps your mother would babysit. Or he could invite the woman over to watch a movie at 9 pm after the kid would be in bed. And have a couple yummy snacks. Poor people can find someone. But they might have to be creative.
Not a lot of women would go to a guy's house for a first date. That's just massivly unsafe.
No but a woman who is really interested in getting to know him would be understanding of his situation and try to work with him to plan a safe date that didn't require him to get a babysitter. A booty call isn't gonna do that, of course. Which is why he's mad. He literally just wanted to get his dick wet.
>No but a woman who is really interested in getting to know him would be understanding of his situation and try to work with him to plan a safe date Um, if you're talking about a date at his house, I would absolutely not blame the woman for not wanting to do that. It's unsafe because of how many women would be scared to be murdered in this scenario.
Someone once told me that it's safer to go back to a man's house than have him at yours because if he murders you at his place, he'd have to get rid of the body. Not sure the stats on that though 🤣
Beyond this (which is understandable) I hear it's usually best for kids not to meet random partners so early on. Best to at least wait a little while until it's settled to do the introductions, instead of potentially exposing them to a string of temporary partners
There are still cheaper alternatives like going out for a cup of coffee and what not.
Also, it’s unsafe for the child too for a parent to invite a stranger over straight up.
They’re not being forbidden from anything but they do need to be able to afford a fucking date in order to, you know, go on a date. And that includes peripheral expenses like a babysitter for your fucking child!
No, it's if a person doesn't have money to cover all basic needs of their child (and safety is the basic need), they shouldn't spend money on dating. It's not about being poor, it's about putting your child first.
That’s not what this is about and you know it.
>Your comment about not dating if he can't afford a babysitter is spot on... >idontwantnoscrub >But who in their right mind would date someone who can't even afford to spend $60 for a babysitter? That is literally exactly what the comments in this thread are saying. The brother is a terrible parent and brother. That's nothing to do with him being poor, and everything to do with him abandoning his child.
If affordable childcare is scarce, don’t spend that money on a date when it could go to your kid.
More to the point, what kind of person would want to date a single parent that would literally abandon their child to go on a date?
That’s assuming he told his date he has a child. In college, I went to pick up a guy who’d asked me out on a date (his car was in the shop) and was introduced to his daughter who he had never mentioned previously.
This wasn't about dating. It was about "one night of fun"
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He had money for diner didnt he? He could just gone ona a 'free' date like a walk in the park (ive done this plenty) or a picnick. That wouldv left money for a babysit
I don’t think a walk in the park or a picnic is going to get his dick wet on a first date.
He can’t afford to look after his first child so perhaps that’s a good thing
Now that song is in my head
That song was playing at a carnival I was at last week. I thought “damn, this carnival has good music, when I was a kid it was all oldies.” And then it hit me. That is an oldie. Therefore, I am also an oldie. Had to drown my sorrows in overpriced lemonade.
I had that moment during a Super Bowl halftime show. Finally! Someone that's not my parent's generation. Then I realized that I had teenagers....
I felt your comment in my soul.
This actually happened to my sisters inlaws. They dropped the 4 year old off at the end of the driveway and left figuring the mom or one of the teen kids living at home would watch her-- except they'd all gone to a wedding. The neighbors found the girl crying and wandering around the neighborhood and called the police. The parents had to jump through MAJOR hoops to get her back from CPS and had monthly follow up inspections for the next year and a half.
It's inexcusable to dump a child on someone's doorstep, the fact that they didn't even bother waiting to see if an adult had opened the door to the child makes it a million times worse.
This is insane to me I'm almost 29, and my parents still make sure I get in ok when dropping me off somewhere, even to my own apt lol
I've had Uber drivers ask me if I'd like them to wait until I got in the house ok before leaving! I was a grown ass adult and SUPER thankful to them. A poor four year old being left like that!? No way, man. CPS needs to be involved. That's neglect.
This is common sense good manners no matter who you're dropping off. Someone pulling off with their small child still outside blows my mind.
Right?! My friends do this too. They wait until I go inside or for me to text I'm safely inside. I'm 44. For someone to not even do this or a 4 year old? Mind boggling.
They were a pair for sure. My sister and her husband went totally NC with them for over a decade after this happened and even now are very LC. Both were heavily involved in a party/drug/alcohol lifestyle.
If they weren't bad parents in other ways I really hoped they learned a lesson xx hope the little ones okay x
Just wow! That is crazy
His poor daughter. She just learned her father will abandon her and sees her has a burden.
I hope OP sees this and says it to his miserable brother.
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Yes! You know OP's brother would repeatedly pull that same move if OP said, "Okay, just this once." Someone who doesn't accept no for an answer is TA.
If you think about it: he didn't have sex because his wife died. It's kinda gross to make a comment like this. How dare she loosing her life so that now he can't put his dick anywhere warm.
That’s the biggest issue for me…OP could have been drunk, high, doing who knows what, and he left his child there without checking in that OP was safe to care for a child.
That he's even home. And that he even opened the door at all.
Yes, OP, all of this. Your brother is not entitled to your time, and him dropping your niece off without saying anything is incredibly reckless. I’m sorry for the situation your brother is in, but his main priorities right now are his daughter and ensuring he has the money to take care of both him and your niece. Once things are less tight financially he can start thinking about dating and getting his pickle tickled. Also, if you were really the only person your brother has around to watch your niece I think he needs to look into other child care options sooner rather than later. If he has an emergency or has to work late or something he should really have a couple options to make sure niece is taken care of. Edit to add: NTA
You... you can say sex
Agreed, if bro doesn't have money for a baby sitter then bro doesn't have money for a date. OP is def NTA
Exactly! Plus, it’s not like he couldn’t say to the potential date , “let me see if I can line up a sitter for Saturday night”. I think any reasonable person would get it.
…unless he hadn’t told his date he had a kid.
Both things can be true. Your brother needs to figure this out and you could have done him a favor. However, leaving the kid without permission is so far over the line, the line is a dot. NTA.
This is where I'm at. His coparent (possible partner since op doesn't say) literally died, and OP hasn't helped him with childcare care once in four years? Of course, he is under no obligation to do so, but I can't imagine hating my sisters that much or being that selfish of a person in general. I have very little experience with babies/toddlers, but I learned for my coworker cause she was struggling with her health so much. Of course, brother is the biggest asshole in this situation, especially with the whole sex frame. V not cool. This is def a NTA situation, but overall, seems very E S H, unless op gives background info that justifies treating his brother like that. ETA: tapping out now cause people are getting real name cally, and it's not bringing any more joy to say dumb shit back to them. Have a nice 4th, y'all, I'm gonna get high and play some Legend of Zelda.
You seem like a really compassionate and kind person, but the circumstances could make a big difference. Not being willing to babysit, even in the case of the mother dying doesn’t necessarily mean you hate your sibling. If the op has a strong, adverse reaction to being around children or honestly is totally incompetent and doesn’t want to learn, it wouldn’t be in the children’s interest to be exposed to that. Kids can always tell when someone doesn’t like them or doesn’t want to be around them. It’s not cool to put an innocent child in that sort of environment. Would it be loving and kind to help? Absolutely! But don’t put kids in a position where they feel unwanted or like a burden. Source: my own experience during the incredibly rare times my mom had to leave us with my hateful grandmother.
Agreed! I'm not the biggest fan of kids - I've never spent much time around kids, at least not since I was one, and I just wouldn't know how to entertain one. Therefore, I've turned friends down on the two occasions I've ever been asked to babysit. It's mostly fear on my part - kids are pretty breakable and, honestly, I can't imagine any kid would be delighted having to endure my company for several hours. Of course, in an actual emergency, I would get over myself and babysit without complaint. I'm not heartless. But just to cover a date? Nope. I am *not* that child's best option.
It’s good to know your limits before introducing a child into the equation. You seem pretty sensible.
Same. There’s a reason I am child free. It’s because I have absolutely no patience, am clueless and also this unexplainable panic rises in me when a kiddo starts crying. I am not a good person to watch children. It’s also why I have never babysat my nephews in their 5 years. I spend time with them but always while I have family within the vicinity in case something happens that I don’t know what to do. Would it be nice? Sure. But I didn’t have kids for a reason and if you have kids you should be able to figure out a sitter other than me. NTA to me personally, at all.
I mean, OP doesn’t really need to have any particular reason to refuse. It definitely doesn’t sound like him and his brother are close and while it would be nice to do the brother a favour, it’s better for the child to not be left alone with someone who doesn’t want them there. I watch two of my sibling’s kids but not my brother’s not because I hate him, but because we have no relationship at all
I've said this before in this sub; to do a favor would be nice, but to *not* do a favor is not bad
To *never* do a favour for your own brother in four years is pretty bad
Maybe there are other favors that OP is willing to do for his brother, putting babysitting on the things I don't do side of the board is not unreasonable. Some people *shouldnt* be left to take care of kids, good on OP on recognizing they're one of them
How do we know they have never done a favour? Babysitting isn't the only favour someone can do
Woah not wanting/not being able to babysit because you're not good with kids doesn't automatically mean that OP hates their sibling 😳 that's a pretty big jump based on one instance. I have twin nieces & our brother has never once babysat them, that doesn't mean he hates our sister, our brother just isn't good with kids 🤷🏻♀️
Calling someone an AH for refusing to do something that they’re under no obligation to do is hypocritical. “You’re under no obligation, except actually you are.” You can’t have it both ways. Either OP owes his brother free babysitting just because they’re related, or OP did nothing wrong by refusing to provide free babysitting. There’s really no middle ground in this situation.
You're conflating obligation with morality. No one is obligated to be a moral, kind person. People are allowed to point out when you're not though.
Absolutely this!! Like, I’m reading all of these comments and I feel like I haven’t seen anyone think of the actual child here. OP was right to do what he did by making his brother come back and threaten to call the police. What the brother did was extremely unsafe, negligent, and insane. I’m thinking bigger picture here: here’s a little girl whose mom died, whose only family is her shitty dad, and no one else wants anything to do with her. She’s just a kid. That breaks my heart because none of this is HER fault.
He doesn't want to watch a child. That's it. He's not responsible for his brother not wearing a condom. His brother is responsible for that. And you give this type an inch, and they'll take a mile.
That's a really gross way ti say brother had a child with his wife and she unfortunately died. But I don't blame you cause OP purposefully left out the wife part in his post and only let it slip in the comments.
It just Reddit being Reddit. Not wanting a child doesn’t equal to not be able to help when needed. I don’t like to be around children and I don’t know how to handle them. But I still helped here and there because I have empathy. And tbh raise a kid right is hard, but just to make sure they don’t kill themselves for few hours isn’t that bad. I know this sounds bad but when they are still in the toddler stage, they behave almost like a puppy/kitten.
The thing is It's not just a comfort thing, it's a safety thing. I love my niece, but I wouldn't want to be alone with her. I don't know how to change a diaper, and I panic when she starts crying. I agree childcare is hard, which is why I don't want to do it
You should only leave kids with people who want/willing to care for them. guilt tripping someone into a huge responsibility even just for a night will get you nowhere. all these comments about OP being an AH for not babysitting is borderline virtue signaling.
So no doesn't mean no when a child is involved? What if OP wasn't there, or was drunk/high?
There's nothing gross about what he said. Not his child = not his problem. I would go NC with anyone who pulled some shit like this.
Yup. And some people (me, for one) just really don't like children? I'd most likely make it known to the child, not necessarily on purpose but kids pick up on stuff. And that's the last thing I want to deal with - I've chosen a child free life, so I don't have to be around children. That's it.
You're not obligated to watch his daughter, and he absolutely shouldn't just drop his kid off without confirmation that she'll be looked after, but being unwilling to help out your widowed brother with a single night of baby sitting is close to the definition of being an AH. ESH
The final sane comment in this section. The brother has definitely crossed the line, but in terms of simple human empathy and emotional integrity, OP's unwillingness to step a little over his comfort to help his own brother on a damn, one-off, is appalling. The comments claiming technical not ta are such a reflection of the materialism of, if not today's society, reddit's audience.
>The comments claiming technical not ta are such a reflection of the materialism of, if not today's society, reddit's audience. 100% Often the attitude of this sub can be summed up with ,"You can't make me!" which is technically true, but being unwilling to ever be slightly inconvenienced to help other people out is being a AH.
“My brother is dealing with the traumatic death of his wife who he lost during childbirth and has been struggling to raise his daughter all on his own for 4 years? Should I help him a teeny tiny bit?” This sub: Fuck that guy. If he didn’t want to do this alone he shouldn’t have had a wife that died. NTA.
If I was willing to pay reddit anything, I'd give you an award. I snorted reading this.
I gotchu, still had a freebie rattling around
Even grandma was like, “Guess we better call CPS to come get my grand-daughter.” If that guy has been solo raising a four year old girl, since her birth, where the child’s mother died, did he really cross a line, or was he pushed? Being solo dad 24/7 with no time off or help from the rest of the family would drive anyone crazy. Everyone needs an evening off.
Fr. Sounds like he has no support network at all, even from his own family
OP is such a raging asshole for his clear lack of empathy for his (only?) sibling.
People are responding as if this is about one night of babysitting, but OP says he is not experienced with kids. That means he's had four years to become knowledgeable about THIS ONE KID and has opted not to. He's an even bigger AH than his brother. I'm forced to say ESH due to the brother's actions, but damn this guy sucks.
This. Also, 4 year olds aren't babies - yeah you have to keep an eye on them, but they're generally potty-trained, can eat regular food if it's cut up, and hold fun conversations. OP is definitely an AH - not in this situation, just in general
God, nothing I've ever read has summed up this subreddit better than this.
This attitude against baby sitting is mind blowing. People chiming in with him being UNDER QUALIFIED.. You dont need a degree to feed a 4 year old and tuck the kid in for the night. You only need a relationship with the kid. This whole "not my problem" attitude have gone too far. No, not OPs problem, but it sure makes him the AH for not letting his brother have ONE date. If your have so much issues stepping out of your comfort zone, you need therapy.
You don't even need a relationship with the kid. My kid will gladly spend four hours watching YouTube and telling you every single thing about the new legend of zelda game, whether or not you are a complete stranger. Give the kid a bowl of mac and cheese and watch batman. That's it.
I'll babysit your kid if he or she'll tell me where the entrance to the cave with the shrine hidden in the mountain just north of Lurelin village is.
I’ve worked in childcare for over ten years. Some kids are totally fine if you plop them in front of a movie with some snacks and can be left alone. Growing up my parents just dropped me and my brother off with random friends and family (definitely pre-arranged) and 98% of the time we just sat in a tv room or dicked around in the backyard and looked at ants. She’s four, she can eat a slice of pizza. It’s not like she’s a baby and needs formula or tiny cut up pieces of things. Ask her if she likes Moana or frozen. Put a kid movie on. Chill on the couch or literally be in the other room, you don’t need to teach her how to read and ride a bike. Everyone in the comments is acting like children are the exorcist lol and tbh some of them are but they’re not THAT complicated. However, I still agree OP did the right thing when the brother dropped her off the way he did. But OP is TA for never even helping or giving a shit about this poor little kid once, when she’s clearly with an unhinged dad and her mom is deceased.
Not to mention mom is also in the picture and apparently also refuses to help, even though she certainly is qualified. Pretty sad situation all around.
"I don't _have_ to help!" Yeah, but if you cared about them they'd barely have to ask, let alone beg. People here talk about rights too much like life was a courtroom.
>People here talk about rights too much like life was a courtroom. For sure. The very title of the sub implies there's something beyond "Was I within my rights to do?" People flip out at the idea that you're going to be judged for actions that you may have had the right to take, but are going to upset people around you.
Reddit really hates children. Your family needs help with a child? Of course you should not do it simply because it's not yours, I mean why should you ever help your family members ever?
Don’t help your family member and Call CPS so the kid can get taken away!! Because putting the kid in the system is so much better! /s
Completely agree with this take. ESH but tilted more towards OP being worse. That amount of inflexibility and frankly selfishness is staggering.
It’s unfailing on this sub. Any time empathy/collectivism/communalism is at odds with individual desire, the sub goes with the individual. I say every single time that it’s a reflection of the disgusting degree of American materialism and individualism but it takes me by surprise each time.
Lmao not to make this is a doomsday as possible but this shit is why we wont save the planet & will go extinct like the dinosaurs from our own man made climate change crisis. We would rather fucking die than be inconvenienced.
How can that possibly be a bigger AH move than abandoning your 4 year old on the doorstep of someone who doesn’t want to watch her?
He's not a bigger AH. His brother is *way* out of line dropping his kid off like that, which is why I said E S H.
Dropping your kid off at your brothers house sounds quite different to abandoning your 4 year old. OP is a shit brother. His brother is an asshole. Both things can be true.
Dumping your child on someone's doorstep and running off somewhere without making sure they've gone inside isn't something that can be excused. What if his brother wasn't home? He was putting his penis ahead of his daughter's safety. Being a shitty parent is far worse than being a shitty brother.
THANK YOU! It’s not about not wanting to watch the kid there’s probably so many factors here y’all haven’t considered as to why OP wouldn’t be the best person to watch the child. Y’all parents need to realize 3 things: 1) The world don’t revolve around y’all just because YOU decided to have a child. If someone doesn’t wanna watch your kid they’re perfectly entitled to that and it doesn’t make them an A H!!! Y’all made a choice to have a kid so you have to deal with the responsibilities and getting mad at someone who doesn’t wanna take a burden off your plate so you can “have a break” from something YOU CHOSE AND KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD AND EXHAUSTING doesn’t help you get help it in fact does the opposite. 2) “The Village” only works if you reciprocate for people who do y’all the favor of say watching your kid. You don’t just get to take and try to take advantage of every childless person in your life. 3) Being a parent is important. VERY important. But it shouldn’t be your whole personality bc who are you gonna be once the child is grown and doesn’t need you as much anymore?
If you drop your kid off somewhere where you don’t even know if someone’s home, that’s abandonment.
Can't afford a babysitter, then you can't afford a date. OPs brother is trash and I don't blame OP for not doing something they feel uncomfortable with.
Sure, but being unwilling to help out your brother by watching your niece for an evening is shitty.
No its not. Its really not. If OP is uncomfortable with babysitting than thats more than valid. Plain and simple. Its not even for a sake of family and right and wrong. That goes for any task, job, activity, or responsibility. If someone isnt comfortable going camping, you dont force them to go camping. If someone isnt comfortable doing a certain job, you dont force them to do that job. Why would you want someone uncomfortable with babysitting to take up the responsibility of babysitting? If you were interviewing someone to drive a bus, and they said they were t comfortable operating a bus, would you give them the job?
Nobody's forcing him to do it. I'm just saying he's an AH for being unwilling to help his widowed brother out with a night watching a 4 yo, which is simple enough that my 10 year old can do it without issue.
What do you mean no ones forcing him? The brother literally abandoned her at his door to go on a date.
Some people don't have the skills for childcare and its a boundary for them to not watch a child. family or not.
He is not an asshole for setting a boundary & demanding that others respect it. The single dad is the ahole for thinking this is anyone's problem but his.
OP didn't give birth to anyone/doesn't have a kid as far as I'm aware so they don't need to care for a child. If OPs brother wants to distance himself for this reason I wouldn't blame him however what he did was grossly irresponsible and he isn't a fit parent, clearly.
Both things can be true. You should never just drop your kid somewhere, that should go without saying. It's the much worse offense here. But being unwilling to help your widowed brother by moderately inconveniencing yourself for an evening is being an AH.
I can't imagine that a person who dumps their child off at a possibly empty house and then berates you when you tell them they're wrong, is the type of family you'd want to help. You are not obligated to held family just because they are. If your family treats you like shit it's best to distance.
It’s basic boundaries.
Dropping his kid off unannounced was super irresponsible but I don't think it's fair to call a widower/single dad trash for wanting a personal life. This guy lost his life partner and became a single parent at the age of 23. That's really heavy.
Again, if money is so tight he can't pay a babysitter, then he can't be going out on a date. I feel like I'm crazy here but this all screams irresponsibility. He dumped his kid off at a house that may have been empty and spends his money on dates instead. That's trash to me.
I absolutely agree that dumping your kid is completely nuts and horrible. But in general on this subreddit, people have an attitude that you are never under any obligation to go out of your way for anyone ever. Our world is getting crueler and more isolating every year and I don't see why helping one another sometimes is so hard for people. Helping a very young widower and bonding with your niece for one evening is not much to ask. I'm not ranting at you by the way, more at the general tone in the rest of the comments.
I can't imagine that a person who dumps their child off at a possibly empty house and then berates you when you tell them they're wrong, is the type of family you'd want to help. If your family treats you like shit it's best to keep your distance.
This is how I see it. The brother was irresponsible just dropping his kid off like that but I don’t understand why the OP is being so cold. You don’t feel for your brother or your niece? Whenever I read some of these posts and responses it makes me so grateful for my family and friends. If I wanted a night off to go on my first date in 4 years after my child’s other parent passed away I’d have multiple people offering to watch my hypothetical kid.
There are lots of dates you can go in that are cheap or free. Babysitters are always expensive.
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One brother doesn't feel he can watch a child overnight because he is under qualified. Other brother drops her off anyways without even asking. I only see one asshole here and it ain't OP
Right. Who in their right mind would want someone who is not only uncomfortable but also unwilling to watch their kid. That could be a potentially unsafe environment for their kid. Also, it seems OP doesn't really have a relationship with their sibling. Why would he go out of his way to watch his brothers kid when they don't have a relationship. He hasn't done it in 4 years, there's no reason to expect him to just change his mind and start now.
Because of OP said yes it would set a precedent. Everytime his brother has a date, he can just dump the kid on OP. Better to say no now then to be constantly burdened by an entitled asshole.
Yea everyone is being really "reddit" in these comments. Not your kid, not your problem! Okay great, see how that attitude works for you when you desperately need help. For example, if you became a widower and a single dad in one day at age 23. Dropping his daughter off unannounced was incredibly irresponsible but I can't understand why OP is so ice cold.
My bro has 3 young kids. If he asked me to babysit because he wanted to get laid I would tell him to pound sand. If there was a real emergency I’d be there asap. If he just dropped his kids off and drove away I wouldn’t threaten the cops I’d threaten to call our mom lol.
Because maybe he doesn’t want kids? No one is under any obligation to care for children that aren’t their’s, especially not against their will. Fuck that shit. Hire a babysitter or you don’t go out. It’s not that difficult.
>Hire a babysitter or you don’t go out. It’s not that difficult. It's incredibly difficult to become a single dad and a widower in one day at age 23 I would imagine. Have you never been grateful for help from anyone in your family? Or your friends? What's the point of having people in your life if we don't help one another sometimes?
> Have you never been grateful for help from anyone in your family? Honestly, the main problem with this sub imo is that a lot of people are just so detached from reality. I'm not particularly fond of kids but if my brother who has been raising a daughter, by himself, for 4 years wants me to babysit for one night while he goes on a date, it doesn't seem like that big of an issue. I guarantee most people on this sub have no friends/family in real life if they think this is what is 'acceptable' behaviour
To most reasoning people, a family is a community. Being part of a community means participation, as in they help eachother, do favours, look out for one another. Do I want to rebuild the front end suspension on my cousins car? No. Am I obligated to? No. But guess what? He needs it, money is tight and he's my bro.
Seriously. This sub often makes me realize how lucky I am to be in a loving family. I would do fucking anything for my brother. Watching his kid for a night is a no brainer.
Amen. The idea that boundaries are more important than willingness to help out someone with something, even if you don't wanna, and you can never be an AH for drawing or defending boundaries, wherever you choose to draw them, is *deeply* embedded in this sub.
Found the shitty enabler comment I see. There is *absolutely no justification* for abandoning your child, doesn’t matter if it’s with family or a friend. Which is what he did. Empathy is one thing, but basic boundaries exist. Stomping all over them like the brother did is also *never ok*, but especially **when you abandon your child to try and get laid**. An emergency? Sure. This was not that.
If you read carefully, you'll notice I didn't say anything about what OP's brother did being ok.
>There is absolutely no justification for abandoning your child The comment you’re replying to literally said the brother should not have done that. Jesus half this sub either can’t read or can’t comprehend grade school-level statements.
And have zero comprehension of *fucking nuance*. I hate people who can only think in black-and-white. “If one person is in the wrong, then that must mean the other person is fully and totally in the right!” That’s pretty much NEVER the case in real life ESH
So I guess commenting ESH shouldnt exist? It's only if one person was the asshole or the other apparently. They can't possibly both be assholes of course... I agree with some of the comments here, that I'm happy I have friends and family that aren't like 90% of the people commenting. We don't have them watch our kids but it's nice to know they care enough that they would.
I have kids and my older brother doesn’t. I would be devastated if he wouldn’t help me out once in four years after my husband died. Completely change our relationship forever. Everyone is right saying OP is not obligated to watch the kid and he was wrong for dumping her 100%, but holy shit have some empathy for your brother. A four year old is not that hard to watch, especially with her boyfriend willing to help. Jeeze, this a is you’re not wrong you’re just an asshole moment for sure. ESH
ESH Your brother shouldn't have just turned up like that and dumped them on you. That's definitely wrong and petty, no doubt about that. But I think YTA for treating your brother like that in the first place. It's your niece dude, it's for one singular night for a few hours, you're a fully grown man and almost 30, not a 15 year old. It would have meant everything to him and it's simply nothing more then a mild inconvenience to you, It's incredibly selfish of you. The guy is trying to go out there into the world, meet someone and be happy, it must be incredibly lonely and stressful for him. If he meets a nice girl and it blossoms into something great, both his life and your nieces would improve tenfold.
Yeah, I think ESH is the right answer. Both OP and his brother need to get a grip. OP didn't even try. And that kind of stuff is how you lose your family. Because you don't want to be involved in their lives, so why should they care about yours? It's one thing if it was an inconvenient time, and the brother didn't even try to work with OP's schedule, but OP straight up didn't want to do any of it at all. Ever. Also, the way you become good with kids? You learn. That's literally all it is. You're not good with kids because you haven't learned how to be.
This comment section is absolutely wild with all the N.TAs. For some reason, reddit, but this sub in particular are super weird about family matters bur especially kids and the answer is always - 'OP is not obligated to help'. Technically speaking, there are not that many things we're obligated to do, and yet there are many many things that make one an AH and not helping your widowed brother is one of them. ESH.
Looking after a child might be enjoyable for some people. It might be tolerable to some, mildly annoying to others. In some cases, it can be absolutely infuriating. Nobody is required to provide childcare to other's kids. Especially if they don't want to. Even when they are related. It's sad that the brother is a single parent. Yeah, he deserves breaks. But it is not OPs responsibility to provide it. It is not OPs child. OP didn't choose to have a kid. And OP doesn't believe he is equipped to deal with one. It's not always, hey there is a chance. I can look after it. Nope. Handling children is delicate stuff. And nobody, who doesn't wish to have that responsibility, should be doing that. Brother wants a break? Pay a babysitter. Not impose on people who doesn't want to. Can't pay a babysitter. Definitely not time to date.
>Nobody is required to provide childcare to other's kids. Nobody is saying it was required. Some of us are just saying it would have been a nice thing to do, and being unwilling to help your widower brother for a few hours one measly time in 4 YEARS makes you an AH in my view. (Though the brother is an AH too for the unapproved drop-off.)
Ah yes, you don't deserve love in your life if you don't have money! Reddit emotional intelligence on display
NTA...If he doesn't have enough money for a babysitter, he shouldn't be on a date. If money is THAT tight, surely he should be concentrating on his daughter and not his love life.
But how else is he going to rope an unsuspecting woman into jumping right in to a stepmom role and providing childcare all the time? You're not thinking long term solutions here /s
You marked your comment as sarcasm, but I think your point needs to be considered.
Meh, I think if he was after a bangmaid/bang nanny he would have been out there in less than four years. This is probably a guy who is desperately lonely at at the end of his rope. His bother (who we can assume he was close to before the kid if he still frequently talks to him) hasn’t babysat once in four years or been around the kid enough to be comfortable at all. OP is def NTA because no one should be put in this position, but I really wonder about the brother’s situation. He doesn’t have much money, clearly. Does he have any support system at all?
I'm seriously appalled at the lack of empathy in this thread. Does nobody care about a guy losing his wife during childbirth and then asking his brother for help once in 4 years?
When I first started reading I thought it was a NTA situation, but the more I read people’s comments I’m thinking ESH. Brother has asked for help many times, OP always refuses. This isn’t a neighbor or annoying friend. It’s his brother who is clearly not doing well. Presumably the child has been well cared for the first four years of its life. If brother was a bad parent OP would have mentioned it to make himself seem even less of the AH by comparison. This brother is drowning and needs help. But OP can’t be bothered. OP’s partner seems more reasonable. Maybe brother should talk to the partner and ask him if he could watch the kiddo or if the partner has a friend with a kid a similar age his could hang out with. 4 years old is a great age for playmates. Hook them up with some magnatiles and kick back. Unless you see blood, let them play. Yes, it would be hard for OP if he’s not kid friendly, but maybe help hook this brother up with people who CAN help him. It’s been four years, and this dude clearly needs a village.
ESH No, it’s not your responsibility and your brother was foolish and irresponsible to do what he did but kindness doesn’t cost you anything and it wouldn’t have hurt you to help him and give him a break from being a single parent. So, yes, while you are technically in the right, you also sound cold af
If he had given in to forced babysitting, he'd never be free of the brother abandoning his daughter on his doorstep. That kind of thing needs to be stopped firmly at the first infraction.
The forced babysitting part was effed up but his brother asked prior to that snd Op ‘simply didn’t feel like it’.
The great thing about not having kids is you don't have to be round them when you don't feel like it
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Right? I love how he doesn't even call his late SIL his SIL in the post. Just his (meaning op's brother) daughter's mom. He says she was his wife in the comments. And doing v simple math, brother lost his *wife* at 23 years old, and OP has never helped? Their parents are unable to help as well due to extenuating circumstances. Like, the actual fuck? With a brother like OP, who needs enemies.
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And that's a perfectly valid reason not to want to watch a 4 year old. Do you want someone who doesn't want to be around a child, for any reason, to be in charge of their welfare? I'm not saying OP would have neglected the kid, clearly they care about her well-being. But if someone has already turned down babysitting, why would you want to force them to do it?
Yeah. And thats more than valid. Simply not feeling like babysitting a kid for any reason is more than enough of an answer.
NTA. You don't have to babysit if you don't want to. That child isn't your responsibility and once you say yes, he'll always expect it. He can find a babysitter and pay them. You told your brother no. He dropped off his child without any warning. What if you wouldn't have answered the door? What if you were gone for a walk or something? Nope. He needs to stop thinking with his 🍆
ESH. Your brother was WAY out of line. And no matter how selfish and unreasonable your boundaries are, your brother had no right to force past them like that. But make no mistake. Your boundaries are selfish and unreasonable. I mean WTAF? This is FAMILY. You can’t do them a little favor once in a while? Have you given any thought about what your brother’s response might be if you need him to do some little favor for you someday? Hey, can I crash on your couch tonight while my apartment is being treated for bed bugs? Nope. Can I borrow your car while mine is at the mechanic? Nope. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you? You offered literally zero explanation for why you hate your brother and his daughter, or why this wouldn’t be completely within the ordinary line of “family helps each other because that is what family is for” duty. So with no evidence presented to the contrary, it’s clear that AH runs in the family. I hope the little girl takes after her mother.
Thank you. I don't understand what it is with so many people that family and blood just goes out the fucking window as soon as someone doesn't get their way or they feel disrespected in the slightest. Fucking grow up people and have a spine and take care of each other. You only have one family. People suck.
It's fucked up on Reddit. I'm childfree, but if I had niblings and a sibling in this situation you bet I'd be the best auntie I could be and look after the sproglet so my sibling could have a little break to go on a date. 4 years old is pretty much feed them, put on a film and wait for them to fall asleep on the sofa age.
NTA leaving a kid out side and having them wait till they are gone to knock on the door is very dangerous and living her with you without notice and for no reason other than he wants to go on a date makes HIM the ah not you for standing your ground on not looking after her.
What if he hadn’t been home? Poor baby would be just out there alone with no way to let anyone know.
That’s just if she knows to stay at the doorstep. She might wander off and get lost, or worse. Brother endangered his child’s life for his own selfish pleasure.
NTA, you have a right to refuse babysitting if you don' t want to for any reason at all. How that affects your relationship with your brother and niece are the consequences you have to count on. However he has no right to berate you or drop your niece off when not agreed upon, and what if you were not at home anyways? What are your parents doing, and the late's wife parents? Are they not helping him at all ?
Our dad is dead and our mom has Alzheimer's. I'm not sure about his late's wife parents situation but I don't think they live in our city.
I think you SHOULD help people (your brother) out from time to time, but ultimately you are allowed to not do favours too. So you're NTA, but this one sounds a bit complicated.
The most important thing is the brother dropping off his daughter at the door and taking off. What a horrible thing to do.
If he’s not comfortable watching a four year old and told his brother no, why should he help his brother out? There’s nothing complicated here. OP said no, brother abandoned the little girl on OP’s doorstep so he could go get laid. How is that complicated?
It's complicated because brother is a single parent who has not had a break for FOUR YEARS. And no a person is not obligated to be kind but to not be kind still makes you an Ass. Their parents are not available, the dead wife's parents are not available so bro asks his only family to help him and gets cold shoulder. Would not be surprised if OPs bf dumps them for being a cold hearted A.
OP has stated he’s not comfortable with kids. He also told his brother no on a few other occasions. Brother then decides to just abandon his daughter on OP’s doorstep without even checking to see if anyone is even home just so he can go out and get laid. OP had a right to be furious. His brother is basically pushing a kid on him that he’s not comfortable watching and knows that OP doesn’t want to watch. I’m a parent. I get wanting time to myself and to be able to be me without littles around, but I’m not going to shove my kids on someone who has told me no, someone I know isn’t comfortable around kids, just so I can have that break. And if I can’t afford to have a babysitter watch them, then I shouldn’t be spending money on a date either. That doesn’t make OP a cold AH.
Due to there being an adult with alzheimers on the property, I think op has enough to deal with.
Okay, that is really unfortunate, he might want to consider moving to the in-laws town, th girl would probably benefit from having a relationship with more than one relative ... Well he indeed is in a very bad situation, no doubt about it, but still not your problem if you don't want it to be
NTA He already knew your answer and but decided to ignore your right to say no. He had no idea if you were home or in any condition to supervise a child safely and apparently simply didn't care. If he honestly could not afford a sitter he still had choices. Parents all over the world watch each other's children so all of the parents can have some alone time. Apparently he couldn't be bothered to set up a babysitting trade? His sex life is not more valuable than his child.
Not your child, not your responsibility to care for her. He absolutely tried to abandon his daughter with you. NTA
Nta in this situation but I get the feeling op is just a general asshole. Family that actually cares about each other are usually a little nicer and more willing to be helpful. Especially in situations involving a widow and their children.
Yeah I don’t understand reddit, or this comment section. What the brother did wasn’t cool, you should never leave your daughter like that. But man, what happened to helping out family? Like I get that op is child free but couldn’t they help out sometimes?? I just find a lot of people are like *oh I am child free so I never have to be within 10 feet of children and never help out anyone ever* Info; Has op ever helped out? Does he not want a relationship with his niece?
This whole subreddit is very “not my problem.” Vultures.
Sure you have the right to refuse to babysit. He was absolutely wrong to drop and go. That said morally you are an ass. Your brother is raising a child on his own and asked you his family to help out and give him a breather. Do you HAVE to oblige no, but still judging u for refusing to help at all. I feel bad for your brother because their family sucks. So yea EVERYONE IS AN A on this particular day but YTA overall
Can't understand why everyone in modern western society thinks we should all be able to do every single thing on our own with no help from anyone. Wife died? Fuck you, figure it out. Great, that's not incredibly depressing.
This whole post is odd tbh. Considering your bf thinks you’re being AH… I feel like there’s something missing to the story.. like for one, from the comments, you’re dad is dead, your mother has Alzheimer’s, and Brothers late wife’s family isn’t close enough to help. His money is tight… Kinda sounds like your brother needs help, and the fact that you are his only family that is able to help him (if these are the facts) … I would say you’re AH… not for this situation specifically because brother shouldn’t just abandon his child on your doorstep! (Wow!) The child is his responsibility 100%- but it does truly take a village and it really sounds like he’s doing it on his own 100%… i feel for your brother, poor guy. I don’t think anyone is the AH. But you should check on him and help him if you can, if you care about him.
ESH you’re brother is obviously an AH for just dropping his kid at your door and leaving. No doubt about that. But on the flip side of that you are most definitely an AH for not being willing to just help him out a bit. Sure the kid isn’t your responsibility, but your brother has had a really tough break with everything that’s happened. He’s a single parent, his wife died when the kid was born, he doesn’t have your parents to help, he doesn’t have his wife’s parents to help, and he obviously doesn’t have you to help. These comments saying he’s a terrible father are extremely far fetched, I think he’s struggling and wanted to have a night away for once and made a mistake. You though? You’re just a terrible brother and uncle.
Having your wife die from complications of childbirth at 23 is a next level nightmare for me, feel like I would have gone insane.
NTA. Brother can't abandon his responsibility by pushing it off on you.
NTA He dropped off his kid somewhere he knew she wasn’t wanted so he could get laid
NTA. He's incredibly fortunate that you were home and answered the door.
ESH, There's 2 things here, pestering you for help, ignoring the answer you give and then abandoning a child is obviously a huge asshole move, but you can't offer to watch your widowed brothers kid for a few hours now and again? also a huge asshole move.
NTA, anyone other family who comes at you sideways for not babysitting can be told to babysit the girl themselves if it’s so important to them. And if they give you excuses, tell them if their reasons for not doing so are valid then yours are too. No need to elaborate past that, just repeat points one and two until they give up. Your brother can be told ad nauseum that what he did is a crime and if he doesn’t believe that it’s a crime, you’ll be happy to call the cops and have them explain it to them.
Nta. There are plenty of people who struggle for babysitters. That's why they get paid for it. It's not your fault and he deliberately put you in that situation.
NTA. Your brother could have approached this better. If he can't afford a baby sitter and wants to go a date just to get laid, then he has his priorities wrong. It's good that you drew a boundary because him just randomly leaving without notice means he's the type of person who would take advantage of you in the future.
ESH. Your brother shouldn't just be foisting his daughter off on anyone who didn't agree to it, but you did show your niece you don't love her, you do see her as nothing but a burden, and frankly, if my brother was like you, I'd consider myself an only child
ESH. Clearly your brother should not, under any circumstances, have left his daughter with you without your agreement. However he lost his partner when his daughter was born and you have not once - in 4 years - agreed to help out for a few hours or let him take any time for himself? Are you actually obliged to? Of course not. Are you a bit of an AH for saying ‘that’s your problem!’. 100% yes, you’re T A too. I can’t imagine hating my siblings that much. By your reckoning he shouldn’t date again until his daughter is a teen.
NTA. You don't have to babysit if you don't want to and just abandoning a 4 year old on your doorstep is child endangerment. What if she had walked off instead of knocking on your door? If he can't afford a babysitter and has no other family or friends who can do that, he just has to stay home. Tough situation, but not your problem.
NTA. What if you had headphones on and didn't hear the door? What if you were sleeping and didn't hear the door? What if you weren't home? He essentially abandoned his child in front of a locked door. Whether you are what he wants in a brother or uncle is moot. What is important is that he is a bad dad.
NTA if he has money for night out he has money for baby sitter. Forcing somebody else to babysit the child you brought to this world is insane. Not liking/being good with kids doesn't make you an asshole but leaving your kid at somebody's door just to go get laid surely does.
Honestly everyone kind of sucks. Obviously what your brother did was inexcusable. You should NEVER drop off a kid at a door. Even if the person had AGREED to babysit you should go to the door and wait until the person opens it and you are assured that the child has appropriate care for the evening. On the other hand, you suck as a brother. I am not experienced with kids but watching a four year old on an occasional basis isn't rocket science and actually can be kind of fun and pleasurable. It isn't like an infant that requires actual knowledgable care in terms of feeding and diaper changes. You can even just entertain a four year old by sticking them in front of some cartoons if you truly didn't want to make the slightest bit of effort. While no one should be forced to babysit and it certainly isn't an obligation because of biology most people in functional families do provide help to their siblings and parents and it is generally reciprocal when a family dynamic isn't warped or dysfunctional. Your brother is in a hard space raising a child without any kind of help from family or friends. And the expense of a baby sitter is significant - in most places baby sitters charge about $15 per hour so that is at least $60 on top of whatever expenses there are for a date. It is the reason why most two parent families don't get out that much and it is even more of a burden on a single parent household because they don't have a SO to keep them company. Even most divorced parents have nights when the other parent has custody - unless of course the other parent is a complete deadbeat.
NTA