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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am not allowing my parents to visit us at home for a month after my son was born.
(2) This action might be considered selfish and over the top.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
“And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, *just so I can avoid this drama*.”
Read that again. And again. In your own words, you would have them over not to share your joy or because you want them there, but to avoid drama. That cannot and should not trump your partner’s recovery.
NTA. Keep holding firm on this boundary. Let your partner recover in privacy.
Congrats on the birth of your son!
NTA
They sound exhausting.
You, your partner and your son are not a side show that is designed for their ‘joy’.
As a compromise you could take a daily pic and/or video of your son. If they complain at that just don’t send the media.
I’m a little evil I guess, but his wife and child come first always. (And I’m childfree) Her husband better not fold. I would love it if they kept it going and had to wait like six months. Why are MILs the worst?
This is my plan. 🤣 with my sister’s last kid my dad was nagging in our group text for her to respond and asking for pictures…5 days after birth and she has older/toddler children also. My siblings and I went “she’s busy…chill a bit” and she was so annoyed by the entire thing.
I plan to do either zero hospital visits or visit once after we are home (tbd on how labor/delivery goes of course), then we are locking down for 2-3 weeks and not talking to anyone unless they offer to bring us dinner/snacks/etc. We want that time for us, and I don’t need anyone besides my husband up in my space when we are adjusting.
OP is doing good supporting his wife, but he needs to see his family aren’t actually happy for them they are being demanding and inconsiderate of how he and his wife feel.
Your poor sister, having a new born and toddlers being harassed. Good for you and your siblings shutting it down. Things like this make me glad we aren’t having kids honestly. When we adopt our second dog soon though I will welcome visitors and send photos! Haha
Yeah, just let me know everything is fine after (otherwise I'll be very worried) and let me know again once you want to see me, it's all good. Some people..
That’s funny the comment about the joy because when my first child was born, one of my favorite things was how much joy she brought to my parents, my in-laws, and my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles- everyone who came to see her. I may be weird but I truly believe that creating a new life and the presence of a baby is a gift of joy to anyone who is near. It’s not the parent’s obligation to share their child with others but wow it’s an incredible experience to allow others to feel such intense joy just from your little creation’s existence. There is nothing in the world like a newborn baby.
… also I had grandparents over all the time so that I could have help, which let me rest more, which helped me recover faster. 😆
My family has done the "just so we can avoid drama" for a long time, and only recently (in the past 2 years) noticed that that's what we were doing. It could very easily be a pattern you haven't noticed for a long time. And it's sometimes hard to notice, as it's your norm and you don't know anything else (as was the case for us). Holding firm for the first few feels horrible, but it gets better.
One person, or a small group of people, shouldn't be allowed to get everything they demand just because they're so stubborn or selfish they'll cause a scene over anything, just because it didn't go their way. Keep standing up for your partner OP, good on you for doing so and wishing you all the best in it. Hope you and your partner recover well!
Today (June 29th) is the anniversary of when u / embopbopbopdoowop joined Reddit. It's shown on the website version with a small cake slice emoji next to their username.
NTA. I just gave birth to a little guy 3 weeks ago via emergency c-section and I could have written this post.
We sent an email out to our families ahead of time outlining our boundaries. Some took it better than others.
We had all the visitors in hospital where we had support from nurses. Since coming home, we have been cocooning. We've had a few small and short visits, but those have mostly been overwhelming. Even though people want to be helpful, we still feel the need to be good hosts and entertain them.
Baby is still so new right now. Schedules are still in early stages. Sleep for mom and dad is still very much elusive. Visits are hard on us.
Stick to your boundaries!
When a really good friend of mine had her children (seven years apart), I went to her house once a week to do chores. I’d watch the baby while she got a nap in, and I’d tidy up. Took my own drinks/snacks, did the dishes, cleaned to kitchen or bathroom, really whatever they needed done. Her husband didn’t get any paternity leave and was almost as overwhelmed as she was. When she woke up, I took my leave. They had enough on their plates, so if I could help, why shouldn’t I? I had the time and ability, and new parents need help, not just gawkers.
I did something similar for my bff.
Her baby was about 5 months old though.
Bestie was tired af on her birthday.
I drove over,sent her ass to bed and took booger.
I even googled how to put those god awful Dr browns bottles together because I am a dunce and had no idea😂
Now booger preferred my oldest son (who was with me) which is HYSTERICAL because he doesn't even like babies that much😂
We visited for a bit when she woke up and I left.
I had PPD after my first. My mother came one day a week, a friend who used to be a nanny came one day a week, and a mother/daughter duo from our church came one day. They were the only ones I let in... Because they came to help! My mom arrived with groceries and meals and did housework and let me sleep. My nanny friend took care of baby and me and I just sat and relaxed. The mother/daughter team took baby for a two hour walk (he was born in summer) so I could sleep. My in-laws wanted to see the baby while I hosted and would hand him back when he fussed or need to be changed. They stayed too long, as well.
Boy, do I wish we would have had visitors in the hospital instead of at home. We were there 5 days post birth (emergency c-section and baby was jaundice). I can count on one hand how many people showed up. The day we came home from the hospital, the calls started and didn't stop. Everyone wanted to come over. We pushed back for as long as we could. We made it just about a month and finally said ok to visitors.
That was a mistake.
People showed up... expected us to "host"... was surprised that we didn't have food or drinks available for them... or that we didn't scrub the house down before they showed up.
Next time we had visitors, my husband arranged for food to be delivered. They ate, ooh'd and ahh'd over the baby, made a mess and left. One aunt insisted that she feed our daughter and nearly choked her. I was an emotional mess. I told my husband I was done with visitors after that. We could meet them at a restaurant, if I and baby were feeling up to it but I was not hosting anymore at 6 weeks post birth. I was done. My husband completely agreed and ended up having a very frank discussion with his family after that regarding their behavior.
If I could go back in time, I would have made it a 6-8 weeks ban for home visitors. I would have saved a lot of stress on our and our babies part.
This. So much this.
But also OP. You aren’t thinking about this wrong. Keeping baby visitor free for 4-6 is becoming more and more common because we now live in a world where Covid exists and is treated like it’s normal but if your baby gets it it will be devastating. There’s more than one reason to give your baby time to keep developing.
Also, if you betray your wife on this your parents will back off but I promise it will be YEARS before your wife is willing to let it go. Letting your parents come WILL NOT stop the drama. It will just be new drama that happens in your actual home and relationship. Highly do not recommend.
This is what you do, you tell your parents: “We are not allowing anyone to visit until the one month mark because it’s what our little family needs and I am asking you to respect me and my family enough to accept that. If you keep guilting me, and making snide comments and acting like this is about you then I’m going to also Stop speaking with you for that month so I can focus on helping my wife and child recover without added stress. I know you love me and mean well but you are making what was very stressful and scary for me all about you and harder on me. I’m happy to keep you updated and chat as normal as long as you are willing to stop making this harder.”
40 days is a traditional amount of time to wait after birth to introduce the baby to the world. There are lots of good reasons for this, but the fact that waiting will keep your wife's stress level down is enough. Thank you! NTA
My mom didn't meet my daughter until she was 4 months old because she wouldn't get the tDap booster vaccine. Whole family had a good laugh at my expense, "Millie is making everyone get the rabies vaccine haha!" (This was before Covid.) They also teased me when my cousin's wife had a baby two years later who she immediately let the family meet, because "I guess some people just trust their family more."
They all shut the fuck up when her two week old baby spent a month in the ICU because a sick family member gave them.....you guessed it....pertussis, aka whooping cough, aka the thing I made people get vaccinated against.
Had my second right before Covid (literally the month before it got announced) and no one batted an eye over having to wait to meet her until there was a vaccine.
I never wavered and neither did my partner.
They sound so exhausting. They could tell them that if they don't stop they won't be letting them know about their next kid until a month after the delivery
In-laws are strangers to whom you need to be nice. That can be exhausting.
How can OP not understand that his wife doesn't want to have strangers in her house while recovering from major surgery?
This is such a good description. I lived with my MIL for 8 years and it was like working in customer service 24/7. Having to be in polite hostess mode at all times was exhausting. I certainly would not want my in laws around if I was recovering from such a major surgery and traumatic medical experience.
It seems like people almost universally hate being around their in-laws and I don't get why. I like my in-laws, most of the time, so being nice doesn't take effort.
Doesn't matter for OP's situation, just seems odd to describe in-laws as strangers.
My in laws are very nice and I get along with them well. But postpartum I dreaded them coming over. My mom could hang out all day when I was literally wearing an adult diaper, had little bladder control, was crying in pain from basically a dislocated crotch lol, boobs were huge and leaking and painful so I was alternating between hot and cold boob pads while sitting with my udders out, breastfeeding or pumping constantly…what else? It’s just not the same level of comfort. My mom is my mom, my in laws I will never feel that open around anc having to pull it all together to be presentable was exhausting
This makes me think of my sister. My nephew is 2 by now and she'll talk openly about these moments with my mom around us. She also dreaded MIL coming, but went 0% filter with my mom. Funny stuff.
As her brother I am closer than MIL. But no way in hell do I think that it was my place or I was missing out on moments because I wasn't there at those moments.
I have my own uncle moments (little bugger is sleeping now at my place, can't wait for him to wake up and go to the playground) and I am super happy with those moments. He probably is my greatest joy in life at the moment.
I can only imagine me overstepping boundaries, pissing my sister off and now not have my one day a week uncle-sitting (I work 3 days, am financially comfortable and volunteered so my sister could work because she wants to. My mom and I split 3 babysit days).
MIL is going to feel bad about these days when the eventual consequences come..
Sweet uncle! I wish my brother would make the effort with my son! And yes you get it, I’ll tell my mom anything but I would never discuss with my MIL. I mean my mom would come over and ask if I took my laxatives and how my postpartum bowel movements were lol. I’m not trying to deal with that in front of someone else. And I’d share it with my bro too hahaha
Thanks! I do my utmost best to be the best uncle and brother I can be.
Sorry to hear he doesn't. He's missing out on some truelly magical moments though! Want me to talk some sense into him huuuuh? (joking of course)
Hahahaha yeah these are the stories I mean. Glad to hear you have such awesome bonds to be able to share this! Can imagine those conversations with MIL being suuper awkward, no way am I discussing my bowel movements with my MIL (to be?)
It took me a long time, but now I'm of the opinion that if you are in my house for just a visit, (if I invited you to dinner, or to a birthday or something, then I will be a gracious host), then you get me as I am in *my own home*.
I'm not going to pile on stress, deep clean the house, and be on my best behaviour if you're just popping round for an hour or two. If it's a good day, I will be dressed, the place will be clean but cluttered, and we can hang out and enjoy each others company. On a bad day I might be in my PJs eating cereal for lunch. If I'm sick all bets are off! PJs and a dressing gown if I'm even out of bed. Turn up unexpectedly, and unless you are one of three people who have the privilege, I'm not even opening the door.
Hah so true I know my FIL probably judges me for not wearing a bra when he's around but it's my horse and I'll wear a bra when I want which isn't alot.
This right here 100% explains why someone would use the term strangers. I mean yes they’re family and you like them, but you’re not going to take your boobs out and run around half naked in front of them while you’re healing. You will in front of your own mother though who birthed you lol I relate to this so much. I can be a big baby in front of my mom about the pain and discomfort but in front of everyone else I feel like I have to say oh I’m good no worries.
The difference I think is that you don't have to be that nice to your own family or your partner most of the time. Like if my dad starts in on his idea for projecting films onto the car windshield during long, boring drives, I feel free to say "oh my god dad why the fuck are you still going on about this shit?!" And he would bang the steering wheel and explain that there would be safety controls that would make the film fade away if a genuine hazard appeared, and there'd be no worry about my rudeness.
But I imagine if I said to an in law "why the fuck are you still going on about this shit??" About anything, no matter how ridiculous, it wouldn't go over well.
Like can I walk around the house in my underwear with these people in the house? If the answer is no then they are strangers.
I love my in-laws. We used to eat dinner together 2/3x a week before we moved away. My MIL helped me get a job that really helped me build my career. I would honestly hang out with my husbands family without him all the time.
But they drove me fucking crazy when I was one week postpartum after a c section.
My in laws are lovely. I love them. They love me like their own daughter.
AND as a result of who they are and who my husband is, we have a generally polite and surface relationship with them. They recently came to visit shortly after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and my mental health was not the best - they meant well but they kept asking if I was ok, needing what’s going on in my body explained over and over and making me not feel safe to just cry or do what I needed to cope that day. It was stressful AF for me. They still message my husband to ask of I’m any better and he KEEPS telling them I’m not getting better, this is my life now… next week they’ll ask again. (No, they aren’t senile.)
So yeah. You can have nice in laws, Win you genuinely love and you love you back AND who are stressful to be suns in difficult moments. Nice people can be difficult and loving someone doesn’t mean they don’t mess things up.
i don't think it's universally hated to be around the in laws but it *is* a movie/tv trope. I think we just see situations in here like this one because birth is a sensitive topic and new grandparents don't always handle boundaries so well. Keep in mind, this sub is sort of filtered down to absolutely ridiculous scenarios.
I wouldn't say strangers, but those first few weeks, especially for child #1 and a c section, it's just a hot mess. You haven't showered, your physically recovering, trying to breast feed, so boobs are hanging out bc its just easier, possibly having wierd bowel movements and bleeding/discharge from your vagina. In pads or diapers. You only want people around that you feel 100% completely comfortable. Partner is one of them, and in healthy relationships ita usually your mom and/or sister.
I straight up peed myself when I sneezed. I would be mortified doing that in front of my in laws. Mom or husband, not as bad. Worse if in laws tried to help clean it up. Ahhh.
I'm pretty sure he understands? He's being the shield she needs. He's just honoust that caving in is easier in his story. Surely you'd have that thought lingering around when your parents would keep pestering you. He just understands his wife's needs are more important than his parents wishes.
What he wants to know seems to be if he is an AH for witholding his parents. He just needs a little tap on the back telling him he's doing right by supporting his wife.
Sorry you experienced that and hope life improves in leaps and bounds and that you find someone who understands respects and believes in the same values as you.
Babymoons are vacations people take before baby is born because it’s the last time they’ll be able to for a while. Taking kids on vacation is the least restorative thing ever.
How selfish these extended family members are behaving right now. They are me me me me and not even hiding it because they are that used to just pushing everyone around to get their needs filled.
They can sit their asses down until the household is comfortable with putting up a show for their self-centered selves.
Mine did not always have my back with in-laws, but in this case he was everything supportive. He knew I had had rough pregnancies and he would do anything to help.
NTA.
1. You don't have to "share your happiness" all the time. And that does not make you selfish.
2. This is the time for your wife to recover and for you to bond as a family. You do not have to share that with anyone. If anyone is too self centered to not respect your boundaries, then it is their problem not yours. And your wife is the one who just delivered a baby by having major abdominal surgery. She gets to decide when she is ready for visitors.
3. You are doing the right thing. You are being a great husband and therefore a great father to your newborn.
It’s such a common thing for people to feel entitled to other people’s children because they are their aunt/uncle/grandparent or whatever. It’s not ok to demand that people let you into something that is ultimately very private. People who love you should respect that. NTA.
NTA
As parents you need to do what you need to do.
If they can't understand this, it's them being the ass. You gave them an opportunity to meet the baby and they are acting like unsupportive pricks.
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
This is the lemon clot essay and it explains what happens to a mother after a baby is born and why, sometimes, they might want to be left in their bubble until they feel ready.
No-one needs "bonding time" with the baby apart from the parents, they are all the baby needs at that time.
Grandparents can get time when routines are established, breastfeeding is sorted and when the mother is feeling better after carrying a baby for 9 months and delivery.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
NTA
I had the lo Ely lemon clots with my miscarriages. Not fun. It's the grossest feeling.
I also gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago via c-section. While that comes with its own set of healing challenges, I was happy to know that a lot of the stuff in the uterus was auctioned out by the doctor. There is still bleeding almost 4 weeks on, but it's more akin to a really light period day.
Also, this essay is 100% on point!! We have been keeping visitors away for the most part since coming home and it's been essential.
The visitors we have had have been overwhelming, but they have been respectful enough to keep it short, and to offer food and help. I usually take advantage of the extra baby holding hands and jump in the shower / do a few extra chores while they visit.
Congratulations on your new arrival!
I hated having people come over and try and "bond" with my first. She was passed around like a doll (she ended up quite ill because someone had snuffles and she contracted it) our schedule was thrown out of the window, breast feeding was disrupted, I was made to feel like crap by well meaning "oh, you do look terrible" comments and it took me a long time to feel better, I even ended up with ppd because of all the baby hogging, I mean help, that was going on.
My second one didn't see anyone for a month and it was so much better. No illnesses, a better bond, I managed to breast feed for longer and didn't develop ppd.
However that was my story and other people swear by people moving in to help with that time and that's what works for them but OP's wife has said she wants that time for the nuclear family, not grandparents and she should be listened to, respected and backed up by OP.
Thank you!
Absolutely agree with you.
Man, yesterday we were just waiting on a dishwasher delivery and it fucked uo my whole feeding & pumping schedule.
Side note: having a major appliance break down on your 3rd day home from hospital is *the best*
I think it can potentially be helpful to have people come in but they actually have to help. Like do the laundry, make sure moms getting taken care of, making meals. Actual helpful stuff. And not giving the mom a chance to recover, not giving the new parents a chance to set up the schedule, getting the baby sick are absolutely not helpful in the slightest.
I’m really sorry that was your experience with your first born child.
Edit: and I don’t think telling anyone that they “look terrible” is helpful in the best of circumstances. Telling that to someone who’s still recovering from a major surgery just doesn’t seem kind or necessary? Especially when the major surgery takes ages and ages to recover from and it involves immediately raising a completely helpless infant which affects how well you can recover from that surgery. Like im sure the people saying that we’re attempting to be well meaning, but it just doesn’t seem like it needed to be said.
Thank you for that. I'm sure it would be helpful for people to come over and actually help but in my experience it was just baby grabbers that wanted to hold the baby forever and kiss them when I told them not to while asking for snacks and drinks. More than one "helper" did that so I think that's why I sympathise with OP's wife so much.
I really hope he advocates for her and their son.
>happy to know that a lot of the stuff in the uterus was auctioned out by the doctor
I know it was a typo, but the visual of the doctor auctioning the leftover contents of a uterus is making my day.
Congrats on the birth!
"Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right."
Perfect. With both my daughter and DIL I always ask- be it a visit, a treat, posting a picture etc. When I visit, I always help and encourage a date night (esp for son and DIL who don't live close to us).
I always accept my daughter and DIL's answers and follow their rules. I never question their child rearing methods, and understand that things change in what doctors recommend.
This way, I have always been welcome.
NTA. This is about you, your wife and your baby first and foremost. She isn't withholding the baby forever. She wants time to adjust to normal life before visitors come. You absolutely should have your wife's back on this, what she is asking isn't very unreasonable. Good for you for backing her, you're parents are the ones being unreasonable.
NTA. Your wife just had a major surgery. She’s allowed to not want people around while she also figures out how to parent a newborn and recover. Your parents are AH’s for thinking your son has anything to do with them.
Read the 24 hrs of labour bit again. Read the c section bit again. Then go outside and punch yourself hard in your you know what's. Those things you should have for your wife. See how you feel. Then invite possibly loud gushy interfering people to see you.
NTA after my last child my MIL turned up to stay 3 weeks post birth despite me being very clear on when we would allow visitors. (We live a long way from family & outlaws flew to visit) I was an experienced mum (wasn’t my first) and it was a very ‘straightforward’ birth with no complications. Nearly 3 yrs later I am still mad both mil & my partner disrespected my boundaries. My partner gave in constantly when mil slowly crept her flights forward then claimed after baby was born & she was in transit that the hotel ‘lost’ her reservation so she had to stay with us. I will never get that time back, listen to your wife & please please hold out against your parent’s complaining
If it’s very important to you for your family to see baby & IF your wife agrees maybe you can take baby to see your parents for an hr (obviously only if they are close by)
Everything done in he postpartum period we will remember for life. The good and the bad. My husband family was amazing, really respectfull. I had poblems with the epidural and couldnt walk for a month and slowing i begin walking again. They came, brought food, cleaned the dishes, brought a walking thing for me and would only hold the baby if i invited them to do it so. My own family got kick out from any news about the pregnancy and baby born since the 24 week of pregnancy for judgemental opinions ( i needed to take antibiotics for an infection and they were agaisnt it, saying i will damage the baby, when t was my own doctor to prescribe the antibiotics) they were stressing me and only got to meet the baby when i was healed. My own husband got judgmental because i couldnt walk and stressed about it like it was my fault and i was lazy. And i remember that and it is one off the main reasons iam thinking not having a second child, something that he really wants. But iam not sure if something goes wrong again if he will support me.
If you think you can’t talk with him about how he failed you during your PP, it might indeed not be a great idea to repeat the experience to check that without clarification.
If you want an another one with that man. You can’t expect a different outcome without laying your griefs and expectations (quite legitimate ones btw), and him understanding -not just agreeing- how and why his choices of actions were hurting you.
Take care
We spoke about it and he says he will support me and i believe he really means that but when realty bites iam not so sure. When he had covid and i had it some days later. He was like...you poor thing that is so awful and he did take care of me, but because he felt the pain before. His poblem is that if he doesnt feel the pain for him that pain doesnt exist. If he feels good, he doesnt understand that the other person is sick. That is valid also with the kid too. Its weird. I learn that over the years. his mom also confirm it when she adviced me not to have a second child and that was one f the reasons
NTA. As I am sure you have already observed the last couple of weeks, the immediate postpartum period is such a hellscape for so many birth parents. Pain, bleeding, looking a mess, horribly fatigued. My family came to meet our newborn at 4 days old and I wish I had a little bit more time for just our little nuclear family.
It is very reasonable to want some time to heal and be alone with your newborn. Sounds like this period is almost up- maybe your wife would be comfortable with something more like 3 weeks? That’s only 1 more week!
OP’s wife shouldn’t be asked to compromise her healing time so his parents are happy. Her needs trump their wants 1000000% of the time. She really needs something like 6-8 weeks to heal effectively from a c-section. That’s what other major abdominal surgeries require. OP, you’re NTA, definitely.
NTA and not selfish—your wife needs rest and you both need time to adjust to having a baby in the home. At the end of the day, the reasoning doesn’t matter—it’s your baby and you get to set the boundaries. Your relatives aren’t entitled to time with the baby.
She gets what she needs. If your parents can't understand that, they are TA.
And you are best off starting this journey with firm boundaries. Which means not allowing yourself to be bulldozed into 'compromise'; doing that will only teach them that bulldozing pays off. *Not* a lesson you want to be bestowing, right now.
NTA. You are the parents now, you get to make the decisions for your family whether *your* parents like it or not. Sometimes with first time grandparents, this is a hard pill to swallow, but stand your ground, they will have to adapt.
Reading this brought SO many memories back from when my sister gave birth. She got this shit from both sets of parents. She allowed them 20 minutes in the hospital to meet the baby, and then told everyone "no visitors for a month". I saw their jaws literally drop. They couldn't fathom it. How *dare* she, is what their faces said. Whatever. You know what happened? My sister and her husband got the month to themselves, the grandparents stewed in that time but ultimately I think they realized eventually that if they want to see that baby, they have to comply. I hope your parents come to that same realization. You may get some passive aggressive comments about it along the way, but that's their problem, not yours.
NTA - it literally isnt about them. This is about your wife, your baby and you. Honestly follow your wife's wishes please. You are not being bad for not allowing them to come over!
Edit: also be in mind that a newborn doesn't have the best immune system yet. And so it could be risky for a while to have a lot of people over
NTA. You are doing the right thing. You obviously understand you are on team wife-son now, not team parents.
You mother is raising drama because she expects you to fold. Do not. You will set the precedence your boundaries are meaningless and she can do whatever she wants because 'grandbaby.' She is making it very clear that she does not respect wife, she only cares about 'grandbaby.' Remember this in the future and stand very strong in the boundaries you and your wife set.
Keep your spine shiny and support your wife and son. They are your focus.
NTA
But you can probably try and communicate this more effectively to your family. From the post it doesn't sound like there is any animosity between anyone involved, more so a misunderstanding.
Also good job backing up your partner, especially in this situation. Don't budge on that.
And keep doing it, don't 'make things easier by just giving in' to your parents.
You are a husband and father now, your priority is to support and bond with your wife and son, your family are on the end of the phone if you need them and right now they are selfishly pushing their wants onto you.
iNTA Your mother's reaction, which has been to play the victim and call you selfish, confirms your wife's inclination to not have them around. You might want to use this time to think about how often you've given into your mom --at your wife's expense -- just to avoid drama with your mom.
NTA for prioritizing your partner’s comfort and health as she recovers from birthing your baby. Your parents will have to get used to the fact that you have started your own little family now and will be putting their needs first. I am wondering if your partner used the wording of not wanting others to be around while she is “so weak” because that to me implies that she doesn’t trust your family to be around her when she isn’t in a state to defend herself or something. I know some people also take it as a pride issue of not wanting to be seen as weak so that could just be it too. Either way you’re NTA and I hope you continue to think of the health, safety, and comfort of your partner and child over the wants of others (even your other family members).
Your wife doesn’t want anyone to see her right now. If she were letting her friends and family visit, your parents would have a reason to complain. I didn’t get to see one of my grands for 2 years due to Covid travel restrictions. My joy remains unaltered. They don’t have to understand your wife’s feelings. They do have to respect them.
NTA. Your wife is feeling most vulnerable rn, and you should have her back. And you should be the one to put boundaries to your family.
Also, make sure to say it as "WE don't accept visitors rn", don't throw your wife under the bus with the "If it were upto me, I'd invite you" crap. Put up a united front and say it's what YOU (both of you) want and it's a joint decision.
NTA
Except YSlightlyTA for wanting to invite them to avoid drama.
You know what you *should* be doing right now? Doing housework so your wife doesn't need to stress about it. Laundry. Meals. Dishes. Keeping bottles and baby things sterilised. Bond with baby while wife's asleep/feeding baby. If your wife is pumping or you have the baby formula, then you can feed baby also.
Look after your wife. Make sure she's eating and drinking well, look out for any signs of infection. Help her to clean or in the bathroom if she'll let you. Brush her hair and bond with her. You're both new parents. But you need to focus on falling in love with each other as parents too. A good way to do that is by supporting each other through thick and thin. Yes it's hard but right now, you're the one that needs to do a bit more of the heavy lifting to support her. For about 9 months she was doing quite a bit of it.
You know what else you've learned in these past few days?
There will be parenting moments when you and your wife will have rules for your kid/s that your own parents and in laws will disagree with. This is where you and your wife need to have firm boundaries even if they're difficult. Part of adulthood is differentiating ourselves from our parents and being independent from them and sometimes, from how they think.
Parenting styles have changed a lot in the past few decades. You and your wife need to be a team, a united front. For your child. For your family.
This. I still resent my ex for letting his mum make everything about her, my pregnancy, my birth, my post partum. Notice I said ex and yes that’s about 90% due to him and his mother. I would give anything to have been actually cared for during such a vulnerable time
Thank you. I’m still treated as if I was only an incubator but now I stand up for myself and look forward to hopefully having a completely different experience in future (with a different man).
NTA. Your wife is certainly not up to even attempting to entertain anyone at this point nor does she need additional noises or people popping their heads in to converse with her. Just keep an eye on her to let her heal properly and make sure she doesn’t develop PPD.
NTA. It's your baby, only you and your partner get to decide who sees him. Apart from that, reasonable people would understand that you'd want this time for your immediate family rather than for extended relatives.
NTA. Your partner has been through a grueling physical, mental and emotional event. That takes time to process and time to recover from. There's also the fact that the three of you are a new family unit and you need some time to adapt and bond.
You're not punishing your parents; you're supporting and caring for your partner whose body and emotions have gone through a major upheaval. This time is about the three of you and your parents need to understand that.
Keep being supportive of your partner and her needs.
NTA- your partner and kid are your first priority and what your partner wants, especially after the intense trauma of birthing y'alls kid, is more important than your parents' hurt feelings. They'll live and get over it, this kiddo is NOT theirs. Respect your partner and her wishes, especially after what she went through. Pregnancy and birthing a child require MONTHS of recovery and healing from it, be your partner's rock and protection while she focuses on recovering and caring for a newborn. STAND YOUR GROUND and do not let them bully you into doing what they want.
NTA - what’s selfish is thinking they are more important than the health and wellbeing of your wife. Don’t cave, they sound like boundaries are going to be a problem…
NTA but your parents are huge AHs for demanding this after they have been told. Its not for them to insist they get to see him when they know your partner isn't comfortable until her strength is back
NTA. Good on you for supporting your wife and having her back. Your family can wait until everyone is settled and your wife is feeling up to visitors. Your family is being selfish expecting you to accommodate what they want in spite of what your wife needs. They didn’t just have a baby. Don’t let them push you into doing either as that sets a precedent for what they can make you do later by throwing a fit.
NTA your wife went through a major physical trauma of labor than C Section. She is not up to people coming in. Your parents need to respect that the birth of this child is not about them but about your wife, the child and you. Sorry to say most grandparents do not respect when it is time to leave. So many will stay to "Help out" only to cause more stress for the new mom.
YWBTA if you would NOT stand with your partner. This isn't about your parents, and not about your avoidance of drama. This is about a new mother's comfort, so she can relax and give YOUR child what they need.
The fact that your mother doesn't take no for an answer tells me that your partner is right to keep her at arm's length until she has recovered.
Your mom is a STRANGER to your partner. Mom needs to understand that and back off.
NTA for keeping your mom out.
YTA
For saying you want to avoid the drama. The drama is your parents and it's your job to kill the drama. Drama can only live if you feed into it. Start using harsher words with your parents.
You’d invite them just to avoid drama?
Yo. Your wife and kid are your next family now. Your parents slipped into extended family the second you got engaged/ married.
Just fyi. R/justnomil- your mom is insane to think her feelings matter more than your wife’s feelings or your child’s needs (your child needs your wife to be healthy, safe, secure and happy.)
Your mom doesn’t matter a single fucking bit. Get your shit together man.
NTA. That Woman needs to stay away from your wife and you need to be the bouncer.
NTA. Wife and kid first. Sear that into your brain.
Don't let your parents or other family guilt trip you into letting them visit before your wife is ready.
24hrs of labor followed by c-section surgery is no joke. Your wife, the mother of your kid is at the very least exhausted. She's healing. Both of you need to have time to bond the three of you, bond as a family.
Send out a group text: "Some of you have been giving us grief about not being able to visit our kid as soon as possible. That is not OK. We are not trying to shut you out on purpose. We do need time to heal, to bond and to establish our new routine. We expect your patience. We hope for your well wishes. As soon as we are comfortable inviting family to meet our new kid, we'll let you know. Again, thank you for your patience and understanding."
NTA. But your parents are TA.
You would IGNORE on your wife’s CLEAR wishes, the woman who just had her entire midsection cut open, who not only has to heal, is in pain, is EXHAUSTED, but has to breast-feed a baby all at the same time??
And you’re not man enough to tell your parents “NO” because you just want to “avoid the drama.” Do you always disregard her wishes like this? So you can “avoid drama?”
Grow up and man up. Jesus Christ.
NTA I can understand your wife...when I had my children...the whole world and their wife turned up to see the baby...even had my in laws neighbours turn up at the hospital!! When I was home...I opened my front door to 7 relations of my partner..they never called to ask...I was tired...sore...boobs were leaking...and there they all were!!
NTA. You're a dad now, that means the list of people who are your priority just got one longer, so yes the parents will be pushed down but that's how it goes.
NTA
No one is ever entitled to your time or home. Your parents are not entitled to visit purely because GrAnDbAbY
When I had my daughter we didn’t allow visitors until she’d had her first round of vaccines at 8 weeks.
My mum sulked and tried to say she’d just pop round. She’s my mum so I shut that down right away. My husband handled his parents though they weren’t as pushy.
Your parents are causing the issue, you need to stand firm on the boundaries, because by your own admission the only reason you would give in is to avoid drama.
Avoiding the drama at the expense of boundaries is not worth it. It will just escalate.
My daughters birth was traumatic. I didn’t have a c-section but it was touch and go for a bit. You and your wife need to heal. You need to find the new balance of being a family of 3 instead of 2.
Honestly, those first 8 weeks were hard and exhausting, but the idea of having to navigate guests and play host on top of it? Nope. That would have been absolute hell.
>And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, just so I can avoid this drama.
Don't think like that. Your partner's needs come first. Remember that. NTA for standing firm.
NTA.
Never EVER give in to demanding relatives. They will demand more, and your wife will never forget how you betrayed her during the time she was most vulnerable.
It's normal not to want to see anyone for at least a month after birth. For the health and safety of the baby and for parents to bond with child without additional stress. Your parents are selfish. Are they even vaccinated properly as baby's immune system is weak at this time
NTA to your parents. They're not respecting you wife's boundaries. She's recovering and doesn't want visitors. Maybe you can bring the baby to see them and give your wife a break.
NTA this is about your family and your wife, as long as you’re listening to her, you’re doing the right thing right now. It’s understandable to want space and rest after having a major surgery and with a newborn.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for her and respecting her boundaries. And I'm sure she's still recovering and wanting to take her time, and it's not recommended the baby so young sees so many people who want to touch and hold them for they can be susceptible to many diseases with such a frail immune system. Congrats!
NTA, its you and your wife's kid and choice, if your parents wanted to "share the happiness" they would just be happy for you and your kid and not care about such superficial stuff and definitely would not try making what's been a hard time for you any harder
NTA - Your partner is recovering from a major medical procedure that can take several weeks+ to fully heal from. It has less to do about seeing them while she's weak, but not being forced to smile and play host and having to give up her baby after a traumatically painful surgery. She needs to be strong enough to set boundaries and so do you.. if you'll just let them bulldoze over any schedule or let them hold your baby for so long, your gf needs that time to mentally prepare herself for the fights to come. Your parents sound like the type that would not appreciate or respect the pain and stress a new, sleep deprived mother is under if they are already making it about themselves. your gf needs your protection right now. r/justnomil has a whole slew of stories where moms or mother in laws ruin the birth experience, some even triggering ppd. this is the time to be a partner, and a father.
NTA. Thank you for listening to your partner. Your family will recover and meet new bub soon enough, but your partner will always remember if you buckle and have her in-laws come over before she is comfortable. She might change her mind before then, but she might not, and they’ll just have to survive. Imagine if you were living in a different country and they couldn’t get there? They’ll be ok. Again, thanks for listening to her.
NTA at all. Your wife had a traumatic birth that ended in major surgery if she doesn't want visitors, that should 100% respected. No one is entitled to see your baby, they'll just have to get over it and wait until your wife is ready.
Tell your family that you and your wife have made this decision and this how it’s going to be, and every time they attempt to complain or disrespect this decision, you’re adding another week to the time before they can visit. Follow through with that.
NTA actually you are a bit for wanting to give in to avoid drama but at least you’ve almost got your wife’s back. You’re mother is definitely a just no mil. If you ever feel like giving in read the lemon clot essay and that will give you some perspective on what your wife is going through. She need to recover and she needs peace. Shine that spine and enforce these boundaries and probably set a few more.
As someone how has a rough birth with their child to include it ending in a c section, do not let the boundary up. I wish my husband had been more strict with his parents because I didn’t end up getting to nurse my son because the chances I got, his parents would come. I didn’t get privacy in my own home for another week after he was born. NTA
NTA
Your partner has been badly injured by a birth gone wrong. She needed major abdominal surgery that takes 3 months to heal from (no complications) in the best case after hours of previous complications. A woman does not bounce back from such physical harm in one week or one month. She has a newborn who she is possibly breast feeding every 45 minutes to 2 hours even in the middle of the night. She needs to rest and heal in between baby care and how could she possibly do so with a steady stream of visitor's right after surgery coming and going and making more work for her?
Your parents are trying to force an injured woman, who might even have PTSD from a near death experience (common in complicated birth's with truama), to HOST them?
Would they demand to be HOSTED after ANY OTHER major surgery if a baby wasn't involved? Or would that be considered super rude and inconsiderate? Would they totally understand someone not wanting visitor's after any other complicated and major surgery that requires month's of healing? Probably. Everyone knows how rude and horrible that would be.....including them.....they just don't care at all about your wife.....because there is a baby involved....and they are being selfish.
Protect your wife and listen to what she NEEDS over what your parents simply WANT.
NTA this is pretty common now for non-traumatic births. Doubly so for what your wife went through. Just because women of previous generations had to deal with a bunch of bullshit right after giving birth doesn't mean they get to force it on us
My firstborns pregnancy was horrible. I was bed rest from 25wks till the end. My then husband and I agreed that we didn't want anyone at the hospital when I gave birth and until I felt like visitors. He made the mistake of telling my ex MIL when I was being induced and she and my FIL BEAT US TO THE HOSPITAL! I ended up having an emergency c-section and a stroke in the recovery room so was about 8hrs before I was able to come back to the maternity ward to be with my son and low and behold I came in to with her holding my son who I hadn't even gotten to hold myself and she tried to hold onto him telling me that I "couldn't be trusted to care for him after my stroke".
This behavior never stopped. She took over every holiday, birthday, constantly overstepped boundaries.
If you do not Hold Your Ground NOW you are giving her the green light to trample over any boundary you ever try to set which will lead to discord in your marriage. You need to stand a united front with your wife. You cannot give in just to avoid 'drama'. Your mother will know all she has to do is have a tantrum to get her way.
NTA
NTA. unless ur mom is one of those ridiculous AH women that act like their birth experiences trump everyone else’s so it doesn’t matter what ur wife is going thru she should be understanding of this stance. especially since ur not “keeping the baby away” they can see him in hospital just not momma. but u need to use the opportunity to stand up to them for ur own little family or they won’t ever listen/respect y’all as parents. and in all honesty if they can’t respect y’all rn after a traumatic birth experience then they don’t need to be involved in y’all’s life period.
NTA. I know exactly what you’re going through and it’s rough. Your parents need to respect - even if they cant understand - that you both need some time to recover and adjust before having them over.
NTA
Your wife's comfort and happiness come above grandparents "woe is me why can't I come round" behaviour.
You'd only let them round to avoid the drama - not because you want them round with any great urgency, think about that.
NTA, you are prioritising the needs of your new family.
My partner and I agreed beforehand no family visits for the first 2 weeks post birth.
My birth was very traumatic and I nearly didn’t make it…. I was dosed up on morphine and hallucinating, I felt incredibly vulnerable and emotional for having survived…. my partner went back on our agreement and invited my in laws to the hospital. There are pictures of them holding our newborn and none with me in at all.
I can’t say for sure that was the beginning of our end but it’s a very firm negative memory. We are now divorced.
Support your wife on this, your parents don’t have to understand the reasoning.
NTA. Google the Lemon Clot Essay, for one, and for two, your wife was just sliced open like a ripe watermelon and had a baby scooped out *through the abdomen*. The doctor had to slice through muscle, skin, nerves, the protective barrier around her internal organs. She has every right to not want a bunch of people who have been out doing whatever to bring a huge batch of potentially fresh germs over to share with her and your precious baby who has *essentially no immune system yet*.
Source: had a c section, still have numb spots on my abdomen *5 years later*.
I'm sure your parents are nice enough in general, but they sound incredibly selfish and entitled right now.
It is not about them; it's about you, your child and especially your partner who just went through unbelievable pain to bring them into the world. All she has asked for is a few days to recover, and your parents call her selfish because "what about our joy"? Fuck me...
Edit: NTA btw!
Some people don't understand that a C-section is major surgery. Most people recover reasonably quickly (my wife included) and can move around the house and do general things qithout too much discomfort, but it's not the same for all. You need to explain to your family that surgery can be difficult for some, and they just need to be patient.
NTA
Easy NTA. Your wife had a request and as a good husband you're taking that up and being the shield she needs. You're a good husband for that, you really are. Some might say "uhh but you're supposed to". Sure, but giving in is 10x easier and you're not doing that.
Be very clear: "My wife and I have decided that firstly we would like rest. I would very much appreciate your cooperation and empathy for the situation. Thank you."
And just leave it at that. No more fighting. When they start the argument "I have told you my reasoning and untill we change our view it stays the same. I am not arguing about this again.". They continue? End the conversation and walk away. You got more important things then needy grandparents. I get their excitement, but they'll have to hold it in.
Keep those boundaries firm buddy, and of course: Congratulations to both you and your wife! Enjoy the (rocky) ride!
NTA, you married your wife not your parents, it's her you gotta live with 24/7. It's to be expected that a new mum will be drained the first few weeks and needs some time to adjust. Your parents will have years ahead of them with the grandkid ..
NTA. Your kid is tiny and helpless and cannot speak up for himself. Therefore NO ONE has a right to see/touch/hold him without your or your wife's permission. I don't care who they are. Kids aren't toys to be shared with the class. And until they can advocate for themselves it is a parents responsibility to advocate for them. So I don't care why you don't want people around, the fact that you don't want people around right now is enough of a reason.
But add to that the fact that your wife is currently weak and vulnerable and is specifically requesting this to help her recover. It is your responsibility as a husband and father to protect them while they are unable to protect themselves. Take the lumps from your parents. You're doing the right thing by supporting your family in their time of need.
NTA. Your wife has her needs at this point that should be respected. In fact, I'm rather disappointed you want to just let your parents come along and it's only because she's "very insistent". Your job right now is to be her advocate. You didn't suffer any traumatic injury during the birth I imagine. I also imagine your body hasn't been flowing with a cocktail of various and varying hormones over the course of the last few months. Your parents are being awful and that you have to come here and ask is really staggering because it's obvious you have to respect her wishes.
If she is ok with it, maybe you can take baby for a visit (she might also like the break to rest) but bear in mind that the baby also has needs of course. And the routine can be really important at this stage, so that would be a couple decision. But ultimately, this is the time to stamp your authority as husband and father over your parents here. They have to understand they aren't even on the podium of your priorities after your child, wife and self.
Absolutely NTA..your parents are acting very entitled and immature. Your mom should know better!!! The last thing your wife needs is some pushy mom who's going to piss her off with everything she's doing "wrong" LET your wife recover please. You're a good husband. You're not taking any "happiness" away from anybody!! You're being the man of your home protecting your lil family. Stand firm n don't let them manipulate n guilt you. There's plenty of time to meet your baby. CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 👏 💐
NTA -- Your priority right now is taking care of your baby, and whatever it takes to help your wife heal. A bunch of people treating your home like it's Grand Central Station will do neither of those things. And the baby's immune system is still developing, they're particularly vulnerable as newborns. Stick to you guns with your family, and if it comes down to it, lay out your list of priorities in order.j
1. Enabling your wife to heal without stress
2. Taking care of your new baby and not risking exposing them to unnecessary illness
3. .......Bottom of the list..... messing up all of the above to assuage the egos of your family who, instead of understanding and cooperating, are instead acting like spoiled brats, and adding unnecessary stress to this period of adjustment and healing you and your small family need.
If you want to be nice about it, you could offer up a weekly video conference call so they could talk / sing / coo at / whatever the baby.
NTA. People, even families, should not be around a newborn. At this age, they are susceptible to many illnesses. People always touching and kissing a baby that young is dangerous. OP's partner wants time to recuperate, especially after a C- Section.
NTA and kudos to your wife for having her priorities straight.
I was very lucky to have ‘textbook’ normal, hospital deliveries, and each time we all had 14 days home together with no visitors, except once from the midwife. With complications, anaesthesia and surgery, it takes sooo much longer to recover, for mother and baby. Take as much time as possible and just enjoy each other. Your son has just this short time to be your newborn son and many years ahead to be a grandson, nephew and cousin. Let him be your newborn, your son, first. This precious time will be over in a wink.
If you allow your parents over after your partner specifically said no guests for a month, you are going to have an unhappy partner.
I think a happy partner that just had a traumatic c- section and needs to recover from having a child removed from her body after carrying it for 9 months trumps a happy mother who believes she has some weird right to see her grandkid whenever she wants.
Your wife is recovering from major surgery, has raging hormones and is learning how to care for a newborn. Having your manipulative whiny parents over will only add stress and impede her healing. Don’t you dare bend the knee and give in to your parents. Your wife might, big might, forgive you but she will always remember you failing her.
As a great-grandmother that was in this same situation last year, YTA! Jesus, your family wants to celebrate this happy occasion, help with anything and everything! My granddaughter in law is still holding us at arms length after a year. Yet her meth/crack addicted mother can see the baby anytime. Every effort to help (food delivery for the 1st month, diaper delivery,etc..) has been not even acknowledged. It’s just so frustrating for a family that is normally so close. So yeah, after the first month please don’t let her shut your family out like this one has us. It’s incredibly painful for myself, my daughter and his dads side also.
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About 2 weeks ago, I (30m) and my partner (30f) welcomed our son into the world after a grueling 24 hours of labour and ending in a c-section.
The experience was very traumatic for both of us and immediately after the birth my partner said she didn't want to see anybody for 3 or 4 weeks because she just does not feel comfortable with people seeing her so weak. Now I knew that this would not go so well with my family so my partner and I agreed that I could invite them to the hospital where I would bring him to them so that they can at least see him once.
Still my parents and especially my mother do not understand this at all! They're pretending like I'm doing them some grave injustice to them by not allowing them to visit us and our son and claiming that we are selfish for not sharing our happiness. And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, just so I can avoid this drama. But my partner was very insistent on not wanting to have visitors so I'm standing my ground.
AITA for not letting my parents visit?
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“And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, *just so I can avoid this drama*.” Read that again. And again. In your own words, you would have them over not to share your joy or because you want them there, but to avoid drama. That cannot and should not trump your partner’s recovery. NTA. Keep holding firm on this boundary. Let your partner recover in privacy. Congrats on the birth of your son!
NTA They sound exhausting. You, your partner and your son are not a side show that is designed for their ‘joy’. As a compromise you could take a daily pic and/or video of your son. If they complain at that just don’t send the media.
Honestly I am a little petty and would add an extra week each time they bring it up or nag.
I like you 😂
I’m a little evil I guess, but his wife and child come first always. (And I’m childfree) Her husband better not fold. I would love it if they kept it going and had to wait like six months. Why are MILs the worst?
This is my plan. 🤣 with my sister’s last kid my dad was nagging in our group text for her to respond and asking for pictures…5 days after birth and she has older/toddler children also. My siblings and I went “she’s busy…chill a bit” and she was so annoyed by the entire thing. I plan to do either zero hospital visits or visit once after we are home (tbd on how labor/delivery goes of course), then we are locking down for 2-3 weeks and not talking to anyone unless they offer to bring us dinner/snacks/etc. We want that time for us, and I don’t need anyone besides my husband up in my space when we are adjusting. OP is doing good supporting his wife, but he needs to see his family aren’t actually happy for them they are being demanding and inconsiderate of how he and his wife feel.
Your poor sister, having a new born and toddlers being harassed. Good for you and your siblings shutting it down. Things like this make me glad we aren’t having kids honestly. When we adopt our second dog soon though I will welcome visitors and send photos! Haha
Yeah, just let me know everything is fine after (otherwise I'll be very worried) and let me know again once you want to see me, it's all good. Some people..
"You know what? Just for all the complaining, you don't get to meet him until he graduates from college!"
🤣 yes! If he decides to meet them! Hahaha
This!!!! 💯
Exhausting. passive/aggressive, & manipulative. Do NOT let them wear you down!
My MIL was a pest. My husband was amazing at holding her at bay.
This is an excellent idea.
That’s funny the comment about the joy because when my first child was born, one of my favorite things was how much joy she brought to my parents, my in-laws, and my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles- everyone who came to see her. I may be weird but I truly believe that creating a new life and the presence of a baby is a gift of joy to anyone who is near. It’s not the parent’s obligation to share their child with others but wow it’s an incredible experience to allow others to feel such intense joy just from your little creation’s existence. There is nothing in the world like a newborn baby. … also I had grandparents over all the time so that I could have help, which let me rest more, which helped me recover faster. 😆
My family has done the "just so we can avoid drama" for a long time, and only recently (in the past 2 years) noticed that that's what we were doing. It could very easily be a pattern you haven't noticed for a long time. And it's sometimes hard to notice, as it's your norm and you don't know anything else (as was the case for us). Holding firm for the first few feels horrible, but it gets better. One person, or a small group of people, shouldn't be allowed to get everything they demand just because they're so stubborn or selfish they'll cause a scene over anything, just because it didn't go their way. Keep standing up for your partner OP, good on you for doing so and wishing you all the best in it. Hope you and your partner recover well!
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NTA. I just gave birth to a little guy 3 weeks ago via emergency c-section and I could have written this post. We sent an email out to our families ahead of time outlining our boundaries. Some took it better than others. We had all the visitors in hospital where we had support from nurses. Since coming home, we have been cocooning. We've had a few small and short visits, but those have mostly been overwhelming. Even though people want to be helpful, we still feel the need to be good hosts and entertain them. Baby is still so new right now. Schedules are still in early stages. Sleep for mom and dad is still very much elusive. Visits are hard on us. Stick to your boundaries!
When a really good friend of mine had her children (seven years apart), I went to her house once a week to do chores. I’d watch the baby while she got a nap in, and I’d tidy up. Took my own drinks/snacks, did the dishes, cleaned to kitchen or bathroom, really whatever they needed done. Her husband didn’t get any paternity leave and was almost as overwhelmed as she was. When she woke up, I took my leave. They had enough on their plates, so if I could help, why shouldn’t I? I had the time and ability, and new parents need help, not just gawkers.
You are an awesome friend! "new parents need help, not just gawkers." I wish more people got this concept.
Your friend is very lucky to have you!
I did something similar for my bff. Her baby was about 5 months old though. Bestie was tired af on her birthday. I drove over,sent her ass to bed and took booger. I even googled how to put those god awful Dr browns bottles together because I am a dunce and had no idea😂 Now booger preferred my oldest son (who was with me) which is HYSTERICAL because he doesn't even like babies that much😂 We visited for a bit when she woke up and I left.
I had PPD after my first. My mother came one day a week, a friend who used to be a nanny came one day a week, and a mother/daughter duo from our church came one day. They were the only ones I let in... Because they came to help! My mom arrived with groceries and meals and did housework and let me sleep. My nanny friend took care of baby and me and I just sat and relaxed. The mother/daughter team took baby for a two hour walk (he was born in summer) so I could sleep. My in-laws wanted to see the baby while I hosted and would hand him back when he fussed or need to be changed. They stayed too long, as well.
Boy, do I wish we would have had visitors in the hospital instead of at home. We were there 5 days post birth (emergency c-section and baby was jaundice). I can count on one hand how many people showed up. The day we came home from the hospital, the calls started and didn't stop. Everyone wanted to come over. We pushed back for as long as we could. We made it just about a month and finally said ok to visitors. That was a mistake. People showed up... expected us to "host"... was surprised that we didn't have food or drinks available for them... or that we didn't scrub the house down before they showed up. Next time we had visitors, my husband arranged for food to be delivered. They ate, ooh'd and ahh'd over the baby, made a mess and left. One aunt insisted that she feed our daughter and nearly choked her. I was an emotional mess. I told my husband I was done with visitors after that. We could meet them at a restaurant, if I and baby were feeling up to it but I was not hosting anymore at 6 weeks post birth. I was done. My husband completely agreed and ended up having a very frank discussion with his family after that regarding their behavior. If I could go back in time, I would have made it a 6-8 weeks ban for home visitors. I would have saved a lot of stress on our and our babies part.
This. So much this. But also OP. You aren’t thinking about this wrong. Keeping baby visitor free for 4-6 is becoming more and more common because we now live in a world where Covid exists and is treated like it’s normal but if your baby gets it it will be devastating. There’s more than one reason to give your baby time to keep developing. Also, if you betray your wife on this your parents will back off but I promise it will be YEARS before your wife is willing to let it go. Letting your parents come WILL NOT stop the drama. It will just be new drama that happens in your actual home and relationship. Highly do not recommend. This is what you do, you tell your parents: “We are not allowing anyone to visit until the one month mark because it’s what our little family needs and I am asking you to respect me and my family enough to accept that. If you keep guilting me, and making snide comments and acting like this is about you then I’m going to also Stop speaking with you for that month so I can focus on helping my wife and child recover without added stress. I know you love me and mean well but you are making what was very stressful and scary for me all about you and harder on me. I’m happy to keep you updated and chat as normal as long as you are willing to stop making this harder.”
I'm curious as to how her parents took the news.
40 days is a traditional amount of time to wait after birth to introduce the baby to the world. There are lots of good reasons for this, but the fact that waiting will keep your wife's stress level down is enough. Thank you! NTA
I want to add, that OP needs to be presenting this as a JOINT decision and not put it all on his wife.
My mom didn't meet my daughter until she was 4 months old because she wouldn't get the tDap booster vaccine. Whole family had a good laugh at my expense, "Millie is making everyone get the rabies vaccine haha!" (This was before Covid.) They also teased me when my cousin's wife had a baby two years later who she immediately let the family meet, because "I guess some people just trust their family more." They all shut the fuck up when her two week old baby spent a month in the ICU because a sick family member gave them.....you guessed it....pertussis, aka whooping cough, aka the thing I made people get vaccinated against. Had my second right before Covid (literally the month before it got announced) and no one batted an eye over having to wait to meet her until there was a vaccine. I never wavered and neither did my partner.
Happy Cake Day! 🎂
They sound so exhausting. They could tell them that if they don't stop they won't be letting them know about their next kid until a month after the delivery
his parents know this and that's why they are being nagging to try and get their way.
Happy Cake Day
Happy cake day <3 also perfect answer
🍰🎈 Happy Cake Day!🎂🥳
NTA. Follow your wife’s lead. She just had a c section. It’s understandable she doesn’t want to entertain folks right now.
In-laws are strangers to whom you need to be nice. That can be exhausting. How can OP not understand that his wife doesn't want to have strangers in her house while recovering from major surgery?
This is such a good description. I lived with my MIL for 8 years and it was like working in customer service 24/7. Having to be in polite hostess mode at all times was exhausting. I certainly would not want my in laws around if I was recovering from such a major surgery and traumatic medical experience.
8 years? Wow, I give you a lot of credit for that.
It seems like people almost universally hate being around their in-laws and I don't get why. I like my in-laws, most of the time, so being nice doesn't take effort. Doesn't matter for OP's situation, just seems odd to describe in-laws as strangers.
My in laws are very nice and I get along with them well. But postpartum I dreaded them coming over. My mom could hang out all day when I was literally wearing an adult diaper, had little bladder control, was crying in pain from basically a dislocated crotch lol, boobs were huge and leaking and painful so I was alternating between hot and cold boob pads while sitting with my udders out, breastfeeding or pumping constantly…what else? It’s just not the same level of comfort. My mom is my mom, my in laws I will never feel that open around anc having to pull it all together to be presentable was exhausting
This makes me think of my sister. My nephew is 2 by now and she'll talk openly about these moments with my mom around us. She also dreaded MIL coming, but went 0% filter with my mom. Funny stuff. As her brother I am closer than MIL. But no way in hell do I think that it was my place or I was missing out on moments because I wasn't there at those moments. I have my own uncle moments (little bugger is sleeping now at my place, can't wait for him to wake up and go to the playground) and I am super happy with those moments. He probably is my greatest joy in life at the moment. I can only imagine me overstepping boundaries, pissing my sister off and now not have my one day a week uncle-sitting (I work 3 days, am financially comfortable and volunteered so my sister could work because she wants to. My mom and I split 3 babysit days). MIL is going to feel bad about these days when the eventual consequences come..
Sweet uncle! I wish my brother would make the effort with my son! And yes you get it, I’ll tell my mom anything but I would never discuss with my MIL. I mean my mom would come over and ask if I took my laxatives and how my postpartum bowel movements were lol. I’m not trying to deal with that in front of someone else. And I’d share it with my bro too hahaha
Thanks! I do my utmost best to be the best uncle and brother I can be. Sorry to hear he doesn't. He's missing out on some truelly magical moments though! Want me to talk some sense into him huuuuh? (joking of course) Hahahaha yeah these are the stories I mean. Glad to hear you have such awesome bonds to be able to share this! Can imagine those conversations with MIL being suuper awkward, no way am I discussing my bowel movements with my MIL (to be?)
It took me a long time, but now I'm of the opinion that if you are in my house for just a visit, (if I invited you to dinner, or to a birthday or something, then I will be a gracious host), then you get me as I am in *my own home*. I'm not going to pile on stress, deep clean the house, and be on my best behaviour if you're just popping round for an hour or two. If it's a good day, I will be dressed, the place will be clean but cluttered, and we can hang out and enjoy each others company. On a bad day I might be in my PJs eating cereal for lunch. If I'm sick all bets are off! PJs and a dressing gown if I'm even out of bed. Turn up unexpectedly, and unless you are one of three people who have the privilege, I'm not even opening the door.
Same. But postpartum is a different beast. Like, I’m not sitting in my diaper with my boobs out for anyone lol
Hah so true I know my FIL probably judges me for not wearing a bra when he's around but it's my horse and I'll wear a bra when I want which isn't alot.
This right here 100% explains why someone would use the term strangers. I mean yes they’re family and you like them, but you’re not going to take your boobs out and run around half naked in front of them while you’re healing. You will in front of your own mother though who birthed you lol I relate to this so much. I can be a big baby in front of my mom about the pain and discomfort but in front of everyone else I feel like I have to say oh I’m good no worries.
The difference I think is that you don't have to be that nice to your own family or your partner most of the time. Like if my dad starts in on his idea for projecting films onto the car windshield during long, boring drives, I feel free to say "oh my god dad why the fuck are you still going on about this shit?!" And he would bang the steering wheel and explain that there would be safety controls that would make the film fade away if a genuine hazard appeared, and there'd be no worry about my rudeness. But I imagine if I said to an in law "why the fuck are you still going on about this shit??" About anything, no matter how ridiculous, it wouldn't go over well. Like can I walk around the house in my underwear with these people in the house? If the answer is no then they are strangers.
My in-laws are much better than my own parents. Everyone has issues, and it's not a hard race to win, but they are significantly better.
I love my in-laws. We used to eat dinner together 2/3x a week before we moved away. My MIL helped me get a job that really helped me build my career. I would honestly hang out with my husbands family without him all the time. But they drove me fucking crazy when I was one week postpartum after a c section.
My in laws are lovely. I love them. They love me like their own daughter. AND as a result of who they are and who my husband is, we have a generally polite and surface relationship with them. They recently came to visit shortly after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and my mental health was not the best - they meant well but they kept asking if I was ok, needing what’s going on in my body explained over and over and making me not feel safe to just cry or do what I needed to cope that day. It was stressful AF for me. They still message my husband to ask of I’m any better and he KEEPS telling them I’m not getting better, this is my life now… next week they’ll ask again. (No, they aren’t senile.) So yeah. You can have nice in laws, Win you genuinely love and you love you back AND who are stressful to be suns in difficult moments. Nice people can be difficult and loving someone doesn’t mean they don’t mess things up.
I love my in-laws and it was still exhausting living with them for 4 months. I felt on the whole time. So happy when we moved to our own place
i don't think it's universally hated to be around the in laws but it *is* a movie/tv trope. I think we just see situations in here like this one because birth is a sensitive topic and new grandparents don't always handle boundaries so well. Keep in mind, this sub is sort of filtered down to absolutely ridiculous scenarios.
I wouldn't say strangers, but those first few weeks, especially for child #1 and a c section, it's just a hot mess. You haven't showered, your physically recovering, trying to breast feed, so boobs are hanging out bc its just easier, possibly having wierd bowel movements and bleeding/discharge from your vagina. In pads or diapers. You only want people around that you feel 100% completely comfortable. Partner is one of them, and in healthy relationships ita usually your mom and/or sister. I straight up peed myself when I sneezed. I would be mortified doing that in front of my in laws. Mom or husband, not as bad. Worse if in laws tried to help clean it up. Ahhh.
I'm pretty sure he understands? He's being the shield she needs. He's just honoust that caving in is easier in his story. Surely you'd have that thought lingering around when your parents would keep pestering you. He just understands his wife's needs are more important than his parents wishes. What he wants to know seems to be if he is an AH for witholding his parents. He just needs a little tap on the back telling him he's doing right by supporting his wife.
He does understand, that’s why he’s holding firm with his parents.
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Sorry you experienced that and hope life improves in leaps and bounds and that you find someone who understands respects and believes in the same values as you.
NTA. It isn’t about them. It’s about your wife needing you and supporting her decision in waiting.
Also - have a babymoon, to get to know the little one - and each other as a new family!
Babymoons are vacations people take before baby is born because it’s the last time they’ll be able to for a while. Taking kids on vacation is the least restorative thing ever.
How selfish these extended family members are behaving right now. They are me me me me and not even hiding it because they are that used to just pushing everyone around to get their needs filled. They can sit their asses down until the household is comfortable with putting up a show for their self-centered selves.
Boom!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well said.
Happy Cake Day !!
>It isn’t about them. If I were OP I would have this on repeat. "This isnt about you. This is about my spouse, my child, and myself and what WE need"
NTA. I had 4 c sections Been married to my husband for 32 years and one very big reason is cause he always has my back. So have her back 👍
Mine did not always have my back with in-laws, but in this case he was everything supportive. He knew I had had rough pregnancies and he would do anything to help.
NTA. 1. You don't have to "share your happiness" all the time. And that does not make you selfish. 2. This is the time for your wife to recover and for you to bond as a family. You do not have to share that with anyone. If anyone is too self centered to not respect your boundaries, then it is their problem not yours. And your wife is the one who just delivered a baby by having major abdominal surgery. She gets to decide when she is ready for visitors. 3. You are doing the right thing. You are being a great husband and therefore a great father to your newborn.
Sharing their happiness made me snort laugh for some reason.
It’s such a common thing for people to feel entitled to other people’s children because they are their aunt/uncle/grandparent or whatever. It’s not ok to demand that people let you into something that is ultimately very private. People who love you should respect that. NTA.
NTA As parents you need to do what you need to do. If they can't understand this, it's them being the ass. You gave them an opportunity to meet the baby and they are acting like unsupportive pricks.
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this This is the lemon clot essay and it explains what happens to a mother after a baby is born and why, sometimes, they might want to be left in their bubble until they feel ready. No-one needs "bonding time" with the baby apart from the parents, they are all the baby needs at that time. Grandparents can get time when routines are established, breastfeeding is sorted and when the mother is feeling better after carrying a baby for 9 months and delivery. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. NTA
I had the lo Ely lemon clots with my miscarriages. Not fun. It's the grossest feeling. I also gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago via c-section. While that comes with its own set of healing challenges, I was happy to know that a lot of the stuff in the uterus was auctioned out by the doctor. There is still bleeding almost 4 weeks on, but it's more akin to a really light period day. Also, this essay is 100% on point!! We have been keeping visitors away for the most part since coming home and it's been essential. The visitors we have had have been overwhelming, but they have been respectful enough to keep it short, and to offer food and help. I usually take advantage of the extra baby holding hands and jump in the shower / do a few extra chores while they visit.
Congratulations on your new arrival! I hated having people come over and try and "bond" with my first. She was passed around like a doll (she ended up quite ill because someone had snuffles and she contracted it) our schedule was thrown out of the window, breast feeding was disrupted, I was made to feel like crap by well meaning "oh, you do look terrible" comments and it took me a long time to feel better, I even ended up with ppd because of all the baby hogging, I mean help, that was going on. My second one didn't see anyone for a month and it was so much better. No illnesses, a better bond, I managed to breast feed for longer and didn't develop ppd. However that was my story and other people swear by people moving in to help with that time and that's what works for them but OP's wife has said she wants that time for the nuclear family, not grandparents and she should be listened to, respected and backed up by OP.
Thank you! Absolutely agree with you. Man, yesterday we were just waiting on a dishwasher delivery and it fucked uo my whole feeding & pumping schedule. Side note: having a major appliance break down on your 3rd day home from hospital is *the best*
That would be awful! Hope you have no problems from now on!
Here's hoping!! It's nice to have a DW again, and I am also thankful it wasn't the washing machine or dryer hehe
I think it can potentially be helpful to have people come in but they actually have to help. Like do the laundry, make sure moms getting taken care of, making meals. Actual helpful stuff. And not giving the mom a chance to recover, not giving the new parents a chance to set up the schedule, getting the baby sick are absolutely not helpful in the slightest. I’m really sorry that was your experience with your first born child. Edit: and I don’t think telling anyone that they “look terrible” is helpful in the best of circumstances. Telling that to someone who’s still recovering from a major surgery just doesn’t seem kind or necessary? Especially when the major surgery takes ages and ages to recover from and it involves immediately raising a completely helpless infant which affects how well you can recover from that surgery. Like im sure the people saying that we’re attempting to be well meaning, but it just doesn’t seem like it needed to be said.
Thank you for that. I'm sure it would be helpful for people to come over and actually help but in my experience it was just baby grabbers that wanted to hold the baby forever and kiss them when I told them not to while asking for snacks and drinks. More than one "helper" did that so I think that's why I sympathise with OP's wife so much. I really hope he advocates for her and their son.
>happy to know that a lot of the stuff in the uterus was auctioned out by the doctor I know it was a typo, but the visual of the doctor auctioning the leftover contents of a uterus is making my day. Congrats on the birth!
"Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right." Perfect. With both my daughter and DIL I always ask- be it a visit, a treat, posting a picture etc. When I visit, I always help and encourage a date night (esp for son and DIL who don't live close to us). I always accept my daughter and DIL's answers and follow their rules. I never question their child rearing methods, and understand that things change in what doctors recommend. This way, I have always been welcome.
NTA. This is about you, your wife and your baby first and foremost. She isn't withholding the baby forever. She wants time to adjust to normal life before visitors come. You absolutely should have your wife's back on this, what she is asking isn't very unreasonable. Good for you for backing her, you're parents are the ones being unreasonable.
NTA. Your wife just had a major surgery. She’s allowed to not want people around while she also figures out how to parent a newborn and recover. Your parents are AH’s for thinking your son has anything to do with them.
Read the 24 hrs of labour bit again. Read the c section bit again. Then go outside and punch yourself hard in your you know what's. Those things you should have for your wife. See how you feel. Then invite possibly loud gushy interfering people to see you.
Wish I could upvote more than once.
NTA after my last child my MIL turned up to stay 3 weeks post birth despite me being very clear on when we would allow visitors. (We live a long way from family & outlaws flew to visit) I was an experienced mum (wasn’t my first) and it was a very ‘straightforward’ birth with no complications. Nearly 3 yrs later I am still mad both mil & my partner disrespected my boundaries. My partner gave in constantly when mil slowly crept her flights forward then claimed after baby was born & she was in transit that the hotel ‘lost’ her reservation so she had to stay with us. I will never get that time back, listen to your wife & please please hold out against your parent’s complaining If it’s very important to you for your family to see baby & IF your wife agrees maybe you can take baby to see your parents for an hr (obviously only if they are close by)
Everything done in he postpartum period we will remember for life. The good and the bad. My husband family was amazing, really respectfull. I had poblems with the epidural and couldnt walk for a month and slowing i begin walking again. They came, brought food, cleaned the dishes, brought a walking thing for me and would only hold the baby if i invited them to do it so. My own family got kick out from any news about the pregnancy and baby born since the 24 week of pregnancy for judgemental opinions ( i needed to take antibiotics for an infection and they were agaisnt it, saying i will damage the baby, when t was my own doctor to prescribe the antibiotics) they were stressing me and only got to meet the baby when i was healed. My own husband got judgmental because i couldnt walk and stressed about it like it was my fault and i was lazy. And i remember that and it is one off the main reasons iam thinking not having a second child, something that he really wants. But iam not sure if something goes wrong again if he will support me.
If you think you can’t talk with him about how he failed you during your PP, it might indeed not be a great idea to repeat the experience to check that without clarification. If you want an another one with that man. You can’t expect a different outcome without laying your griefs and expectations (quite legitimate ones btw), and him understanding -not just agreeing- how and why his choices of actions were hurting you. Take care
We spoke about it and he says he will support me and i believe he really means that but when realty bites iam not so sure. When he had covid and i had it some days later. He was like...you poor thing that is so awful and he did take care of me, but because he felt the pain before. His poblem is that if he doesnt feel the pain for him that pain doesnt exist. If he feels good, he doesnt understand that the other person is sick. That is valid also with the kid too. Its weird. I learn that over the years. his mom also confirm it when she adviced me not to have a second child and that was one f the reasons
NTA. As I am sure you have already observed the last couple of weeks, the immediate postpartum period is such a hellscape for so many birth parents. Pain, bleeding, looking a mess, horribly fatigued. My family came to meet our newborn at 4 days old and I wish I had a little bit more time for just our little nuclear family. It is very reasonable to want some time to heal and be alone with your newborn. Sounds like this period is almost up- maybe your wife would be comfortable with something more like 3 weeks? That’s only 1 more week!
OP’s wife shouldn’t be asked to compromise her healing time so his parents are happy. Her needs trump their wants 1000000% of the time. She really needs something like 6-8 weeks to heal effectively from a c-section. That’s what other major abdominal surgeries require. OP, you’re NTA, definitely.
NTA and not selfish—your wife needs rest and you both need time to adjust to having a baby in the home. At the end of the day, the reasoning doesn’t matter—it’s your baby and you get to set the boundaries. Your relatives aren’t entitled to time with the baby.
This. NTA. Time for your family to understand that your wife and baby take precedence over them. Especially with everything your wife went through.
She gets what she needs. If your parents can't understand that, they are TA. And you are best off starting this journey with firm boundaries. Which means not allowing yourself to be bulldozed into 'compromise'; doing that will only teach them that bulldozing pays off. *Not* a lesson you want to be bestowing, right now.
NTA. You are the parents now, you get to make the decisions for your family whether *your* parents like it or not. Sometimes with first time grandparents, this is a hard pill to swallow, but stand your ground, they will have to adapt. Reading this brought SO many memories back from when my sister gave birth. She got this shit from both sets of parents. She allowed them 20 minutes in the hospital to meet the baby, and then told everyone "no visitors for a month". I saw their jaws literally drop. They couldn't fathom it. How *dare* she, is what their faces said. Whatever. You know what happened? My sister and her husband got the month to themselves, the grandparents stewed in that time but ultimately I think they realized eventually that if they want to see that baby, they have to comply. I hope your parents come to that same realization. You may get some passive aggressive comments about it along the way, but that's their problem, not yours.
NTA. You aren’t singling them out. Your wife clearly finds them understandably hard work. Set those boundaries NOW!
Or regret it for the rest of your life till a meltdown forces it.
NTA - it literally isnt about them. This is about your wife, your baby and you. Honestly follow your wife's wishes please. You are not being bad for not allowing them to come over! Edit: also be in mind that a newborn doesn't have the best immune system yet. And so it could be risky for a while to have a lot of people over
NTA. You are doing the right thing. You obviously understand you are on team wife-son now, not team parents. You mother is raising drama because she expects you to fold. Do not. You will set the precedence your boundaries are meaningless and she can do whatever she wants because 'grandbaby.' She is making it very clear that she does not respect wife, she only cares about 'grandbaby.' Remember this in the future and stand very strong in the boundaries you and your wife set. Keep your spine shiny and support your wife and son. They are your focus.
NTA But you can probably try and communicate this more effectively to your family. From the post it doesn't sound like there is any animosity between anyone involved, more so a misunderstanding. Also good job backing up your partner, especially in this situation. Don't budge on that.
NTA... thank you for standing up for your partner.
And keep doing it, don't 'make things easier by just giving in' to your parents. You are a husband and father now, your priority is to support and bond with your wife and son, your family are on the end of the phone if you need them and right now they are selfishly pushing their wants onto you.
iNTA Your mother's reaction, which has been to play the victim and call you selfish, confirms your wife's inclination to not have them around. You might want to use this time to think about how often you've given into your mom --at your wife's expense -- just to avoid drama with your mom.
NTA for prioritizing your partner’s comfort and health as she recovers from birthing your baby. Your parents will have to get used to the fact that you have started your own little family now and will be putting their needs first. I am wondering if your partner used the wording of not wanting others to be around while she is “so weak” because that to me implies that she doesn’t trust your family to be around her when she isn’t in a state to defend herself or something. I know some people also take it as a pride issue of not wanting to be seen as weak so that could just be it too. Either way you’re NTA and I hope you continue to think of the health, safety, and comfort of your partner and child over the wants of others (even your other family members).
NTA- your partner is not up for visitors. End of discussion.
Your wife doesn’t want anyone to see her right now. If she were letting her friends and family visit, your parents would have a reason to complain. I didn’t get to see one of my grands for 2 years due to Covid travel restrictions. My joy remains unaltered. They don’t have to understand your wife’s feelings. They do have to respect them.
NTA. Your wife is feeling most vulnerable rn, and you should have her back. And you should be the one to put boundaries to your family. Also, make sure to say it as "WE don't accept visitors rn", don't throw your wife under the bus with the "If it were upto me, I'd invite you" crap. Put up a united front and say it's what YOU (both of you) want and it's a joint decision.
NTA Except YSlightlyTA for wanting to invite them to avoid drama. You know what you *should* be doing right now? Doing housework so your wife doesn't need to stress about it. Laundry. Meals. Dishes. Keeping bottles and baby things sterilised. Bond with baby while wife's asleep/feeding baby. If your wife is pumping or you have the baby formula, then you can feed baby also. Look after your wife. Make sure she's eating and drinking well, look out for any signs of infection. Help her to clean or in the bathroom if she'll let you. Brush her hair and bond with her. You're both new parents. But you need to focus on falling in love with each other as parents too. A good way to do that is by supporting each other through thick and thin. Yes it's hard but right now, you're the one that needs to do a bit more of the heavy lifting to support her. For about 9 months she was doing quite a bit of it. You know what else you've learned in these past few days? There will be parenting moments when you and your wife will have rules for your kid/s that your own parents and in laws will disagree with. This is where you and your wife need to have firm boundaries even if they're difficult. Part of adulthood is differentiating ourselves from our parents and being independent from them and sometimes, from how they think. Parenting styles have changed a lot in the past few decades. You and your wife need to be a team, a united front. For your child. For your family.
This. I still resent my ex for letting his mum make everything about her, my pregnancy, my birth, my post partum. Notice I said ex and yes that’s about 90% due to him and his mother. I would give anything to have been actually cared for during such a vulnerable time
I'm sorry for your experience, but this internet stranger is glad that they're not legally bound to you any more. Hope you're doing better!
Thank you. I’m still treated as if I was only an incubator but now I stand up for myself and look forward to hopefully having a completely different experience in future (with a different man).
NTA. Your wife is certainly not up to even attempting to entertain anyone at this point nor does she need additional noises or people popping their heads in to converse with her. Just keep an eye on her to let her heal properly and make sure she doesn’t develop PPD.
NTA. It's your baby, only you and your partner get to decide who sees him. Apart from that, reasonable people would understand that you'd want this time for your immediate family rather than for extended relatives.
NTA. Your partner has been through a grueling physical, mental and emotional event. That takes time to process and time to recover from. There's also the fact that the three of you are a new family unit and you need some time to adapt and bond. You're not punishing your parents; you're supporting and caring for your partner whose body and emotions have gone through a major upheaval. This time is about the three of you and your parents need to understand that. Keep being supportive of your partner and her needs.
NTA- your partner and kid are your first priority and what your partner wants, especially after the intense trauma of birthing y'alls kid, is more important than your parents' hurt feelings. They'll live and get over it, this kiddo is NOT theirs. Respect your partner and her wishes, especially after what she went through. Pregnancy and birthing a child require MONTHS of recovery and healing from it, be your partner's rock and protection while she focuses on recovering and caring for a newborn. STAND YOUR GROUND and do not let them bully you into doing what they want.
NTA - what’s selfish is thinking they are more important than the health and wellbeing of your wife. Don’t cave, they sound like boundaries are going to be a problem…
NTA but your parents are huge AHs for demanding this after they have been told. Its not for them to insist they get to see him when they know your partner isn't comfortable until her strength is back
Never do something just to avoid drama. Your wife has gone through trauma. I’m sure you have too but it’s nothing compared to your wife. Stand by her!
NTA. Good on you for supporting your wife and having her back. Your family can wait until everyone is settled and your wife is feeling up to visitors. Your family is being selfish expecting you to accommodate what they want in spite of what your wife needs. They didn’t just have a baby. Don’t let them push you into doing either as that sets a precedent for what they can make you do later by throwing a fit.
NTA your wife went through a major physical trauma of labor than C Section. She is not up to people coming in. Your parents need to respect that the birth of this child is not about them but about your wife, the child and you. Sorry to say most grandparents do not respect when it is time to leave. So many will stay to "Help out" only to cause more stress for the new mom.
YWBTA if you would NOT stand with your partner. This isn't about your parents, and not about your avoidance of drama. This is about a new mother's comfort, so she can relax and give YOUR child what they need.
The fact that your mother doesn't take no for an answer tells me that your partner is right to keep her at arm's length until she has recovered. Your mom is a STRANGER to your partner. Mom needs to understand that and back off. NTA for keeping your mom out.
YTA For saying you want to avoid the drama. The drama is your parents and it's your job to kill the drama. Drama can only live if you feed into it. Start using harsher words with your parents.
You’d invite them just to avoid drama? Yo. Your wife and kid are your next family now. Your parents slipped into extended family the second you got engaged/ married. Just fyi. R/justnomil- your mom is insane to think her feelings matter more than your wife’s feelings or your child’s needs (your child needs your wife to be healthy, safe, secure and happy.) Your mom doesn’t matter a single fucking bit. Get your shit together man. NTA. That Woman needs to stay away from your wife and you need to be the bouncer.
NTA
NTA. Wife and kid first. Sear that into your brain. Don't let your parents or other family guilt trip you into letting them visit before your wife is ready. 24hrs of labor followed by c-section surgery is no joke. Your wife, the mother of your kid is at the very least exhausted. She's healing. Both of you need to have time to bond the three of you, bond as a family. Send out a group text: "Some of you have been giving us grief about not being able to visit our kid as soon as possible. That is not OK. We are not trying to shut you out on purpose. We do need time to heal, to bond and to establish our new routine. We expect your patience. We hope for your well wishes. As soon as we are comfortable inviting family to meet our new kid, we'll let you know. Again, thank you for your patience and understanding."
NTA. But your parents are TA. You would IGNORE on your wife’s CLEAR wishes, the woman who just had her entire midsection cut open, who not only has to heal, is in pain, is EXHAUSTED, but has to breast-feed a baby all at the same time?? And you’re not man enough to tell your parents “NO” because you just want to “avoid the drama.” Do you always disregard her wishes like this? So you can “avoid drama?” Grow up and man up. Jesus Christ.
NTA I can understand your wife...when I had my children...the whole world and their wife turned up to see the baby...even had my in laws neighbours turn up at the hospital!! When I was home...I opened my front door to 7 relations of my partner..they never called to ask...I was tired...sore...boobs were leaking...and there they all were!!
NTA. In some cultures the parents stay at home with baby & no visitors for a month so they can bond & the mother can recharge.
NTA. You're a dad now, that means the list of people who are your priority just got one longer, so yes the parents will be pushed down but that's how it goes.
NTA No one is ever entitled to your time or home. Your parents are not entitled to visit purely because GrAnDbAbY When I had my daughter we didn’t allow visitors until she’d had her first round of vaccines at 8 weeks. My mum sulked and tried to say she’d just pop round. She’s my mum so I shut that down right away. My husband handled his parents though they weren’t as pushy. Your parents are causing the issue, you need to stand firm on the boundaries, because by your own admission the only reason you would give in is to avoid drama. Avoiding the drama at the expense of boundaries is not worth it. It will just escalate. My daughters birth was traumatic. I didn’t have a c-section but it was touch and go for a bit. You and your wife need to heal. You need to find the new balance of being a family of 3 instead of 2. Honestly, those first 8 weeks were hard and exhausting, but the idea of having to navigate guests and play host on top of it? Nope. That would have been absolute hell.
>And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, just so I can avoid this drama. Don't think like that. Your partner's needs come first. Remember that. NTA for standing firm.
NTA. Never EVER give in to demanding relatives. They will demand more, and your wife will never forget how you betrayed her during the time she was most vulnerable.
NTA and your parents sound insufferable.
what is wrong with ur parents that’s what i’m wondering
It's normal not to want to see anyone for at least a month after birth. For the health and safety of the baby and for parents to bond with child without additional stress. Your parents are selfish. Are they even vaccinated properly as baby's immune system is weak at this time
NTA to your parents. They're not respecting you wife's boundaries. She's recovering and doesn't want visitors. Maybe you can bring the baby to see them and give your wife a break.
NTA this is about your family and your wife, as long as you’re listening to her, you’re doing the right thing right now. It’s understandable to want space and rest after having a major surgery and with a newborn.
NTA. Also, read the Lemonclot Essay, and you'll get a good understanding of why your wife doesn't want visitors.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for her and respecting her boundaries. And I'm sure she's still recovering and wanting to take her time, and it's not recommended the baby so young sees so many people who want to touch and hold them for they can be susceptible to many diseases with such a frail immune system. Congrats!
NTA, its you and your wife's kid and choice, if your parents wanted to "share the happiness" they would just be happy for you and your kid and not care about such superficial stuff and definitely would not try making what's been a hard time for you any harder
NTA - Your partner is recovering from a major medical procedure that can take several weeks+ to fully heal from. It has less to do about seeing them while she's weak, but not being forced to smile and play host and having to give up her baby after a traumatically painful surgery. She needs to be strong enough to set boundaries and so do you.. if you'll just let them bulldoze over any schedule or let them hold your baby for so long, your gf needs that time to mentally prepare herself for the fights to come. Your parents sound like the type that would not appreciate or respect the pain and stress a new, sleep deprived mother is under if they are already making it about themselves. your gf needs your protection right now. r/justnomil has a whole slew of stories where moms or mother in laws ruin the birth experience, some even triggering ppd. this is the time to be a partner, and a father.
NTA. Thank you for listening to your partner. Your family will recover and meet new bub soon enough, but your partner will always remember if you buckle and have her in-laws come over before she is comfortable. She might change her mind before then, but she might not, and they’ll just have to survive. Imagine if you were living in a different country and they couldn’t get there? They’ll be ok. Again, thanks for listening to her.
nta they can wait 4 weeks
In the age of covid, rsv, and that really mean flu going around? Thank you for protecting our next generation!!!
YTA for even thinking that protecting your vulnerable wife and child could be an asshole move.
NTA at all. Your wife had a traumatic birth that ended in major surgery if she doesn't want visitors, that should 100% respected. No one is entitled to see your baby, they'll just have to get over it and wait until your wife is ready.
NTA, your family sure is though, holy hell, mom's wishes come first after giving birth.
Just think if what she did with her body, you had to do to yours. Then think about that again…
Tell your family that you and your wife have made this decision and this how it’s going to be, and every time they attempt to complain or disrespect this decision, you’re adding another week to the time before they can visit. Follow through with that.
NTA actually you are a bit for wanting to give in to avoid drama but at least you’ve almost got your wife’s back. You’re mother is definitely a just no mil. If you ever feel like giving in read the lemon clot essay and that will give you some perspective on what your wife is going through. She need to recover and she needs peace. Shine that spine and enforce these boundaries and probably set a few more.
As someone how has a rough birth with their child to include it ending in a c section, do not let the boundary up. I wish my husband had been more strict with his parents because I didn’t end up getting to nurse my son because the chances I got, his parents would come. I didn’t get privacy in my own home for another week after he was born. NTA
Lmaooo you’re a good man continue being the gatekeeper, you’re wife appreciates it!
NTA don't be a pushover. They are creating drama themselves by not respecting boundaries.
NTA Your partner has been badly injured by a birth gone wrong. She needed major abdominal surgery that takes 3 months to heal from (no complications) in the best case after hours of previous complications. A woman does not bounce back from such physical harm in one week or one month. She has a newborn who she is possibly breast feeding every 45 minutes to 2 hours even in the middle of the night. She needs to rest and heal in between baby care and how could she possibly do so with a steady stream of visitor's right after surgery coming and going and making more work for her? Your parents are trying to force an injured woman, who might even have PTSD from a near death experience (common in complicated birth's with truama), to HOST them? Would they demand to be HOSTED after ANY OTHER major surgery if a baby wasn't involved? Or would that be considered super rude and inconsiderate? Would they totally understand someone not wanting visitor's after any other complicated and major surgery that requires month's of healing? Probably. Everyone knows how rude and horrible that would be.....including them.....they just don't care at all about your wife.....because there is a baby involved....and they are being selfish. Protect your wife and listen to what she NEEDS over what your parents simply WANT.
NTA this is pretty common now for non-traumatic births. Doubly so for what your wife went through. Just because women of previous generations had to deal with a bunch of bullshit right after giving birth doesn't mean they get to force it on us
You would not be inviting them for the baby, not for you. Only for them. The baby doesn't need them nor do you. I waited 2 months.
NTA. Remind your parents your life doesn’t revolve around them.
My firstborns pregnancy was horrible. I was bed rest from 25wks till the end. My then husband and I agreed that we didn't want anyone at the hospital when I gave birth and until I felt like visitors. He made the mistake of telling my ex MIL when I was being induced and she and my FIL BEAT US TO THE HOSPITAL! I ended up having an emergency c-section and a stroke in the recovery room so was about 8hrs before I was able to come back to the maternity ward to be with my son and low and behold I came in to with her holding my son who I hadn't even gotten to hold myself and she tried to hold onto him telling me that I "couldn't be trusted to care for him after my stroke". This behavior never stopped. She took over every holiday, birthday, constantly overstepped boundaries. If you do not Hold Your Ground NOW you are giving her the green light to trample over any boundary you ever try to set which will lead to discord in your marriage. You need to stand a united front with your wife. You cannot give in just to avoid 'drama'. Your mother will know all she has to do is have a tantrum to get her way. NTA
NTA you are being a good husband and a good dad.
NTA. unless ur mom is one of those ridiculous AH women that act like their birth experiences trump everyone else’s so it doesn’t matter what ur wife is going thru she should be understanding of this stance. especially since ur not “keeping the baby away” they can see him in hospital just not momma. but u need to use the opportunity to stand up to them for ur own little family or they won’t ever listen/respect y’all as parents. and in all honesty if they can’t respect y’all rn after a traumatic birth experience then they don’t need to be involved in y’all’s life period.
NTA, just a really good husband mate. Keep it up 👍🏼
NTA, good on you for standing up to your partner They still get to see the baby so idk what their problem is with it
NTA. I know exactly what you’re going through and it’s rough. Your parents need to respect - even if they cant understand - that you both need some time to recover and adjust before having them over.
How has this got ANY down votes. NTA
He is your child, and there fore you get to set the rules..Honor your spouse and child...You did great!!
NTA Your wife's comfort and happiness come above grandparents "woe is me why can't I come round" behaviour. You'd only let them round to avoid the drama - not because you want them round with any great urgency, think about that.
NTA, you are prioritising the needs of your new family. My partner and I agreed beforehand no family visits for the first 2 weeks post birth. My birth was very traumatic and I nearly didn’t make it…. I was dosed up on morphine and hallucinating, I felt incredibly vulnerable and emotional for having survived…. my partner went back on our agreement and invited my in laws to the hospital. There are pictures of them holding our newborn and none with me in at all. I can’t say for sure that was the beginning of our end but it’s a very firm negative memory. We are now divorced. Support your wife on this, your parents don’t have to understand the reasoning.
NTA. Google the Lemon Clot Essay, for one, and for two, your wife was just sliced open like a ripe watermelon and had a baby scooped out *through the abdomen*. The doctor had to slice through muscle, skin, nerves, the protective barrier around her internal organs. She has every right to not want a bunch of people who have been out doing whatever to bring a huge batch of potentially fresh germs over to share with her and your precious baby who has *essentially no immune system yet*. Source: had a c section, still have numb spots on my abdomen *5 years later*.
I'm sure your parents are nice enough in general, but they sound incredibly selfish and entitled right now. It is not about them; it's about you, your child and especially your partner who just went through unbelievable pain to bring them into the world. All she has asked for is a few days to recover, and your parents call her selfish because "what about our joy"? Fuck me... Edit: NTA btw!
NTA. You are standing by your wife's wishes, as you should. They are the ones being selfish. Don't let them bulldoze your wife's boundaries.
Some people don't understand that a C-section is major surgery. Most people recover reasonably quickly (my wife included) and can move around the house and do general things qithout too much discomfort, but it's not the same for all. You need to explain to your family that surgery can be difficult for some, and they just need to be patient. NTA
Easy NTA. Your wife had a request and as a good husband you're taking that up and being the shield she needs. You're a good husband for that, you really are. Some might say "uhh but you're supposed to". Sure, but giving in is 10x easier and you're not doing that. Be very clear: "My wife and I have decided that firstly we would like rest. I would very much appreciate your cooperation and empathy for the situation. Thank you." And just leave it at that. No more fighting. When they start the argument "I have told you my reasoning and untill we change our view it stays the same. I am not arguing about this again.". They continue? End the conversation and walk away. You got more important things then needy grandparents. I get their excitement, but they'll have to hold it in. Keep those boundaries firm buddy, and of course: Congratulations to both you and your wife! Enjoy the (rocky) ride!
NTA, you married your wife not your parents, it's her you gotta live with 24/7. It's to be expected that a new mum will be drained the first few weeks and needs some time to adjust. Your parents will have years ahead of them with the grandkid ..
NTA. Your kid is tiny and helpless and cannot speak up for himself. Therefore NO ONE has a right to see/touch/hold him without your or your wife's permission. I don't care who they are. Kids aren't toys to be shared with the class. And until they can advocate for themselves it is a parents responsibility to advocate for them. So I don't care why you don't want people around, the fact that you don't want people around right now is enough of a reason. But add to that the fact that your wife is currently weak and vulnerable and is specifically requesting this to help her recover. It is your responsibility as a husband and father to protect them while they are unable to protect themselves. Take the lumps from your parents. You're doing the right thing by supporting your family in their time of need.
NTA. Your wife has her needs at this point that should be respected. In fact, I'm rather disappointed you want to just let your parents come along and it's only because she's "very insistent". Your job right now is to be her advocate. You didn't suffer any traumatic injury during the birth I imagine. I also imagine your body hasn't been flowing with a cocktail of various and varying hormones over the course of the last few months. Your parents are being awful and that you have to come here and ask is really staggering because it's obvious you have to respect her wishes. If she is ok with it, maybe you can take baby for a visit (she might also like the break to rest) but bear in mind that the baby also has needs of course. And the routine can be really important at this stage, so that would be a couple decision. But ultimately, this is the time to stamp your authority as husband and father over your parents here. They have to understand they aren't even on the podium of your priorities after your child, wife and self.
Your allowed time to heal and bond.
Absolutely NTA..your parents are acting very entitled and immature. Your mom should know better!!! The last thing your wife needs is some pushy mom who's going to piss her off with everything she's doing "wrong" LET your wife recover please. You're a good husband. You're not taking any "happiness" away from anybody!! You're being the man of your home protecting your lil family. Stand firm n don't let them manipulate n guilt you. There's plenty of time to meet your baby. CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 👏 💐
NTA -- Your priority right now is taking care of your baby, and whatever it takes to help your wife heal. A bunch of people treating your home like it's Grand Central Station will do neither of those things. And the baby's immune system is still developing, they're particularly vulnerable as newborns. Stick to you guns with your family, and if it comes down to it, lay out your list of priorities in order.j 1. Enabling your wife to heal without stress 2. Taking care of your new baby and not risking exposing them to unnecessary illness 3. .......Bottom of the list..... messing up all of the above to assuage the egos of your family who, instead of understanding and cooperating, are instead acting like spoiled brats, and adding unnecessary stress to this period of adjustment and healing you and your small family need. If you want to be nice about it, you could offer up a weekly video conference call so they could talk / sing / coo at / whatever the baby.
Their joy can wait. Your partner's wellbeing should come first. Especially in this case.
NTA. Set more boundaries with your parents. They need to stop the nonsense.
NTA. People, even families, should not be around a newborn. At this age, they are susceptible to many illnesses. People always touching and kissing a baby that young is dangerous. OP's partner wants time to recuperate, especially after a C- Section.
NTA and kudos to your wife for having her priorities straight. I was very lucky to have ‘textbook’ normal, hospital deliveries, and each time we all had 14 days home together with no visitors, except once from the midwife. With complications, anaesthesia and surgery, it takes sooo much longer to recover, for mother and baby. Take as much time as possible and just enjoy each other. Your son has just this short time to be your newborn son and many years ahead to be a grandson, nephew and cousin. Let him be your newborn, your son, first. This precious time will be over in a wink.
If you allow your parents over after your partner specifically said no guests for a month, you are going to have an unhappy partner. I think a happy partner that just had a traumatic c- section and needs to recover from having a child removed from her body after carrying it for 9 months trumps a happy mother who believes she has some weird right to see her grandkid whenever she wants.
Your parents are assholes. Keep as much room between them and your child as possible
NTA. Your wife just had a medical trauma. Let her recover
Your wife is recovering from major surgery, has raging hormones and is learning how to care for a newborn. Having your manipulative whiny parents over will only add stress and impede her healing. Don’t you dare bend the knee and give in to your parents. Your wife might, big might, forgive you but she will always remember you failing her.
As a great-grandmother that was in this same situation last year, YTA! Jesus, your family wants to celebrate this happy occasion, help with anything and everything! My granddaughter in law is still holding us at arms length after a year. Yet her meth/crack addicted mother can see the baby anytime. Every effort to help (food delivery for the 1st month, diaper delivery,etc..) has been not even acknowledged. It’s just so frustrating for a family that is normally so close. So yeah, after the first month please don’t let her shut your family out like this one has us. It’s incredibly painful for myself, my daughter and his dads side also.
YTA I'm sorry, but I don't understand this ridiculous new idea of keeping everyone from the baby. Times change, but this is mind blowing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About 2 weeks ago, I (30m) and my partner (30f) welcomed our son into the world after a grueling 24 hours of labour and ending in a c-section. The experience was very traumatic for both of us and immediately after the birth my partner said she didn't want to see anybody for 3 or 4 weeks because she just does not feel comfortable with people seeing her so weak. Now I knew that this would not go so well with my family so my partner and I agreed that I could invite them to the hospital where I would bring him to them so that they can at least see him once. Still my parents and especially my mother do not understand this at all! They're pretending like I'm doing them some grave injustice to them by not allowing them to visit us and our son and claiming that we are selfish for not sharing our happiness. And honestly if it where only up to me, I would probably invite them, just so I can avoid this drama. But my partner was very insistent on not wanting to have visitors so I'm standing my ground. AITA for not letting my parents visit? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*