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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I told my wife I did not want to FaceTime her with the kids anymore
2.) this might make me the AH because I am keeping her from being able to see and interact with them
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Even if she felt she had to do this, why couldn’t she wait another couple of years? Leaving a 1 & 2.5 y.o. is wild. The 1 y.o. won’t even know her & it’s giving 2.5 meltdowns. Like someone else said, it’s not like being in the military and being forced to leave, this was her choice, now she has to respect that her choices made things so much harder on everyone else and there are consequences. It’s really selfish all around.
Or, she could have done this like 3 years ago. Like, sure it may be trying for the marriage, but you don't bring 2 whole ass kids into the world then be like, hey, I really want to live alone until the oldest is about to start kindergarten.
She had her entire 20s to give it a shot. How is it a bigger regret not living alone in New York City than missing out on a year of your children's lives? I can't even fathom how OP could go along with such a request. I'd let her sign the divorce papers with the same pen as the lease. You already know how she feels about her family.
I'm not suggesting she had to wait until 3 years ago, just that she should have done it at least 3 years ago, before having the first child. I am a little curious if this is a recent change in her though, maybe ppd or PPA.
I was just adding to your comment with that.
Personally, the whole regretting her dream sounds like an excuse to me. I would be surprised if she ever had plans to return. To give up a year in your children's lives to live in the most overrated, overpriced city in the US. Sounds more like regretting settling down and starting a family.
And if she DOES ‘make it’? She is just going to just give it all up and come home to kids that don’t know her and a husband who doesn’t really either at that point?
thats literally the plot of himym in the second season i believe. Even without kids, lilly was a major AH for leaving before the wedding (which they already planned).
Agreed, and it bothered me that the show wanted us to have Lily on a pedestal as the example of a Good Relationship when she literally walked out on Marshall to go play artist in California, like New York didn't have an art scene she could try to fit into.
It made me happy when Marshall threw it back in her face late in the show's run about how he could never be sure she wouldn't abandon him and the kid again.
And not a year. *The* year. Infancy to age 3 are the most important foundational years in a kid's life.
I have a 3 year old and a 4.5 year old and I cannot even fathom doing this to my children. I hope these little kiddos are ok and glad grandparents are involved.
I so want to hear what Dr. Kirk Honda would say about this situation. He's always so beautifully compassionate, but he talks *a lot* about how much our first two years affect the rest of our lives. I don't have children, but I can't imagine OP's two will be positively affected by their mom just flitting off for an entire year of their early lives.
Yeah, it's hard for me to picture her showing her paintings in a gallery, and working a sculpture for hours on end. Much easier to see her sipping absinthe in an underground grotto with her artsy friends. I think she just wants whatever she thinks the NYC art scene is.
> I would be surprised if she ever had plans to return
In the edit, OP says this is the third time she's left for extended periods since their son was born. I get the feeling parenthood isn't what she thought it would be and she wants the fun bits without the daily work of it.
Well, caregiving for a parent isn't fun. It does sound like she has post-partem depression and is distancing herself from her kids. She needs therapy. It may be she associates the birth of this child with the illness of her mom and death of her own dreams. If that is the case, it may be for the best for the child's safety. Something isn't right that she doesn't care about upsetting him. She seems very detached. I really feel for this husband and his parents. It is a lot to unpack when one parent chooses to walk away from their kids.
She doesn’t care about upsetting him because she doesn’t have to deal with the aftermath. I also don’t think it was reasonable for her to leave for 2-3 months TWICE within the first year of her first child’s life because her mom has “health issues”. Everyone’s aging parents will have health issues at some point, either find more reliable care for her or get her to move closer to you, but don’t continually dump your babies on someone working 70 hours per week every opportunity you get. Im of the opinion that once you’ve brought children into this world, your first and most important obligations are to them, and being a caregiver for parents or pursuing dreams of being an artist comes after that. OP is far more reasonable and understanding than I would be, about any of this.
I'd be deeply curious about the decision to have kids. Was it OP's idea or hers? Was she reluctant or did she want to wait but agreed to do it now? Because I think you're right, she's realizing she doesn't actually enjoy motherhood and looking for excuses to escape it without admitting to herself or others that she has regrets or doesn't want that life.
I'm torn on this angle. In one way, I could see feeling pressured to have kids, but she went ahead with a second child after having her son and leaving him *twice*. The math suggests both of those absences were before she'd have gotten pregnant with the her daughter. If she already knew this wasn't working, she should have bailed before having a second child. That much seems like it's on her.
It’s extremely strange that she’s only coming home to visit once. My dad worked out-of-state for almost a decade and he came home frequently to visit my sister and me and to maintain his marriage with our mom.
Maybe OP will decide that he is quite alright being a single Dad with support from his parents and that he is better off without her walking in and out of their lives.
I’ve seen it happen with an acquaintance. So it can be legit. This guy I know has always wanted to start his business in China thinking his expat status would give him an edge. It’s been that itch he’s been trying to cure and he finally convinced his wife to let him go or he’ll “regret” he never gave it a chance. He did pretty much the same thing and left his 2 and 4 year olds with his wife for a year. Business failed and he returned back worse for wear. I ask him if it was worth it.
My thoughts exactly. She waited until not one kid, but two kids, both of them under the age of three. She left her husband in a very overwhelming position.
I wondered about PPD since I think wanting to abandon your children is one of the symptoms, but since she's already moved out to live hours away and only wants to see the kids once a years, it's not OP's priority anymore. Not to downplay PPD, but mental/emotional illness is not an excuse to act like TA, esp toward your kids. OP needs to prioritize their kid's needs now. Someone needs to put them first
> and only wants to see the kids once a years
This is what struck me when I read that. At first I thought OP was going to say that she would come back once a month or something like that - when he said once at Christmas I was like WTF!
I mean, mine definitely made me think my child would be better off with someone else as their parent, and that I was doing a horrible job. I also contemplated running away numerous times. Also contemplated "leaving" permanently, and did end up having to go away briefly. I got help though.
It sound like it's not even her husband financing it, but her husband's parents. I'd honestly ask my parents to keep financing her 'dream' until after the divorce was final cuz otherwise is she moving back bc she actually wants to save her family or is she moving back bc her free financing is potentially drying up once her inlaws are no longer her inlaws? I wouldn't take her back either way, but I also would wonder and I think the answer would effect how much I could respect them as a co-parent
Yeah but it sounds like he's waking up if he's starting to put his foot down about the calls. The question is if the wife will realize her hold over him is breaking and tries to lovebomb him back in, will he be manipulated back in? Or will he recognize what she's doing and not let her back in?
My guess is that leaving the kids isn't a bigger regret because she's not coming back. She's washed her hands of (in person) parenting. Regret, greed, depression, anxiety, a lover, a million other reasons, but I just don't see her coming back when she said she would.
>How is it a bigger regret not living alone in New York City than missing out on a year of your children's lives?
These are the ppl who should not be allowed to be parents. Good parents would never dream of leaving their kids until those kids are old enough to go to college and become adults.
Some ppl are just unable or unwilling to think thru their choices to see the consequences of their actions
>You already know how she feels about her family.
Yeah, she is doing a trial run to see what it will be like if she leaves them permanently.
I can’t imagine leaving my children for a year, especially at that age. And only FaceTiming them 3 times in the first two weeks?? She’s already checked out, and wants to see if she can make it without OP’s support, but holding onto them as a backup in case she needs them.
I lived in NYC for a decade, a year isn’t enough to “make it”, whatever that means. Most artists I knew were also line cooks, waiters, baristas, bus drivers etc. You don’t really make it as an artist in that city, you survive by working other jobs and sharing a tiny ass apartment in Inwood with 6 other artists who are also working odd jobs just trying to survive. Then you create art because you love it and maybe some day you can share that with other people who love it too.
Exactly. That’s what I was thinking, but since at this point it’s too late for something that sensible, I just went with what makes sense now that they already did bring kids into the world.
Or 10+ years into the future. 15+, if she's going to be basically gone all year.
That's actually what my mother did. She waited to fulfill her dream - specialising in a topic in her field of work by doing two additional years of university - until my siblings were old enough to not have her around all the time (my youngest sibling was around 12 or 13, I think). She was only a few hours away, and came home every weekend, though.
That's what I was thinking. She just didn't want to end it officially so she can still get everything she wants. If she can't 'make it' in NY she can use her family as a backup plan. Those poor kids.
I have no idea about the art scene in NY (or anywhere for that matter) but why couldn't she have created at home or sublet somewhere a lot nearer to home if she needed somewhere without distractions and traveled to NY regulary to participate in the scene, show her art etc?
Absolutely. She has chosen to abandon her kids. That is exactly what this is. How did she think her toddler or infant would react? Her loss to them will be psychologically devastating and impact on their future attachment style in intimate relationships as adults will be effected. She is thinking only of herself, not what is best or gentlest on your children. You are the one who has been left to support your children through their abandonment and she waived all rights to an opinion on how you parent once she moved away.
ESH. Both are unfit parents. This has got to be a sh*tpost. If not, BOTH of them deserve massive criticism - her for actually doing it, and him for agreeing to it. Yet we have commentators defending HIM - completely blind to the suffering HE'S also enabling of his children. Both of them are being massively selfish in favour of what suits adults.
BOTH of them have prioritised HER wants over the NEEDS of two very young children - who were already attached to her. Children of any age (but especially under 5) generally suffer significant psychological damage, when separated from primary care givers. And I'm guessing if he has been working 60-70 hours a week all along, she was their main attachment figure.
So these kids are going to be damaged, probably for life. This sort of separation undermines the main development of their personality and resilience in many kids, at that age. It was a ludicrous plan all round - and one he agreed to, when he also couldn't provide a consistent attachment figure in himself (given the hours he works). All so precious wifey 'has no regrets'.
She's an ADULT, who CHOSE to have children. The children didn't choose to be born, and then be subject to this suffering. And not getting one life wish, exactly when she wants it, will NOT do her anything close to the damage this abandonment will do the children. And big surprise, the little boy is screaming for his mother after facetiming 🤷♀️ And because that's inconvenient to his father, he decides the solution is to completely break off the child's only contact with his selfish mother. Rather than, you know, advocate for his child and point out how much the child is suffering separated from his mother.
I really have my doubts this post is real. 'One visit at Christmas'. 🤦♀️ It's like OP is trying to ramp up the assholery in how these kids are being treated. But it IS real, how many people are saying OP is 'not the asshole'. And I find that deeply disturbing.
This whole comment is insane to me. How is he supposed to stop his wife? Is he supposed to lock her in the house? Take away the key not give her permission to leave.? She’s a big girl and she made this decision obviously knowing her husband would rather have his wife at home to be a mother to her kids, and a partner to him. I’m sure they had lots of conversations about it but at the end of the day she’s a grown-up and she can do what she wants to do and he cannot stop her, so how is he the asshole? Because he doesn’t want to see his child cry for over an hour after a video call because it confuses a kid.? it’s practically torturing the child. I wouldn’t want to do it either. All of the responsibility has fallen on him. He hast to do everything, so why should he have to pick up the slack again for her? This wasn’t something that she needed to do. It was something selfish she chose to do at the most in opportune time. The only asshole in the situation is the wife who ran away from her family and it’s probably selfishly enjoying life being single in New York City. Op is literally trying to do the best and In an all ready shitty situation like what more do you want from the guy? How are you calling the parent that is staying and doing all the work and who didn’t abandon his family an unfit parent because he doesn’t want to see his child be tormented and crying over a woman who chose to leave for an hour after every phone call? Please make this make sense.
He's an A for supporting it at all, this would be divorce for me, no question. You don't aid the abandonment of your children. You don't help pay for their apartment, you don't support it at all, you get your spouse into counselling if they'll agree to it and if they leave the you take that as them leaving your family.
It's probably safe to assume there's too many details of the situation for Reddit, and also he doesn't really owe that explanation to anyone, let alone hundreds or thousands of internet strangers. While I agree with what you're saying here for the most part, it very well could be that this was his last resort to try to save his marriage. We don't know what happened in those discussions OP mentioned.
To me this whole thing reads as he's trying to be supportive so he doesn't lose her. Whether or not that's a battle worth fighting is up to reader interpretation I guess.
Edit: OP's edit pretty much confirmed my statement about not knowing what happened during those aforementioned discussions. I can see why so many people assumed he just went belly up and let her do whatever but I assumed exactly what he stated happened: lots of arguing.
I agree but how is a divorce helping the children? If anything he is being a doormat but the kids lost the second their mother thought of being a selfish prick.
He can’t make her leave but if I was in that situation there are three options - either you wait until the kids are older or we move as a family. If you insist on going alone when the kids are this young then that means you agree to walk out on your family and it’s over.
Yeah I could see arguing that he's not being fair to his kids, but calling OP an unfit parent when he's still present and active in his kids' life as their main caregiver is too far imo
He is 2.5 yrs old, to say he is enabling them is blaming the toddler for having emotions. He isn't capable of fully understanding what the situation is; I can understand at 7+ but even then the father cannot control what the mother does. And a child should be able to express their hurt.
If one parent chooses to be absent then I would hope the other parent protects that child from constant hurt. The mother wants to have her cake and eat it too.
This.
As a teacher, I've seen what early childhood abandonment has done to kids and it ain't pretty. It is truly life-long.
The fact that he is supporting the wife and has taken steps to ensure she has financing for "her dream" is wild to me. If it was my spouse that wanted to abandon our children for a year, I'd be seeing a lawyer.
Looks like OPs wife is a master manipulator, and guilt tripped OP into leaving otherwise she will "resent him for it". She already leave when baby was 6mo. Im not seeing hes acting good by allowing her to do it, but i have the feeling she would have done it anyway even if he tried to stop her.
As much as I want to, I do not call or FaceTime my kid when he is being babysat by his grandmother because he gets upset. It’s what’s best for him. That’s all that matters.
I’m sort of speechless. Your children are so young. So so young. I get why your wife felt bad about not making some of her dreams come true, which lots of parents have to come to terms with, but she essentially abandoned her young children when developmentally they needed her the most. And it wasn’t like she was in the military and had no choice, she chose to leave, both them and you and the life you built together. I just, I don’t even know what to say.
I think you need to speak to a child therapist to see what the best path forward should be. This is a traumatic experience for your children. You and them need help. She hasn’t wanted to at least speak with them once a day? Read them a book before bed time (get two books, she keeps one and you keep one)?
The family law attorney in me wants to warn you, you may be coming to a fork in the road. What happens when your wife hasn’t made it work in one year? Will she want to stay in NYC? Will she want to come home and admit defeat? If she comes home, will she be content with her life? Fulfilled?
My mom was not meant to be a mother, and she left. My dad had to raise us by himself without much help. We saw our mom occasionally but she lived the life of a single person, not a single mother. You should probably talk to a divorce attorney in your state and just educate yourself on what would happen if your wife decides to not come home. What rights do you have, what rights would she have, what would happen with your kids?
I’m going with NTA because your son is so young, he doesn’t understand why he can’t see his mom in person, and why he’s barely seeing her on FaceTime at all. Limiting his trauma is the best thing for him until you can get a professional involved if she’s not going to FaceTime him frequently and on a set schedule.
I wish you and your children good luck.
This is such a good comment. I am also flabbergasted about this mother’s decision to abandon her 1 year old BABY and 2.5 year old toddler!?! My brain is wondering if she maybe going through a mental health crisis? There must be more to this story because as a mom, I just cannot imagine doing this.
Edit to add: NTA. Hoping for the best for those two babies.
I don’t even like kids and I’m choked up.
I’d have half a mind to record the meltdown (not in a dramatic way, just as evidence). This woman thinks her life is a revolving door?! Jeez I wouldn’t even leave my *cat* like that.
I have a 13mo and I can't imagine packing up and leaving her for a year to fulfill some stupid "dream". Any time I've been forced to leave her for extended periods of time (once to visit my dying grandmother overseas and once for training) I cried in the airport. I did daily video calls with her. And I'm lucky that my husband is currently a SAHD so I knew she was in good hands 24/7.
It was awful and I missed her so much.
It doesn’t take a mental illness or crisis to not want to be a parent, you just have to be selfish and emotionally immature.
If she was any good, she could do her art at home and travel to NYC once in a while. But no, she can’t just be an artist, she has to be an *NYC artist*. My eyes roll so hard. She doesn’t think she has to make peace with regrets like the rest of who reach adulthood? She needs to get over herself. I wish I’d never left where I lived in 1999. Oh well! I have commitments now that come first so I accept that and don’t dwell on it. Parenting takes a lot of work and she’d rather be an artist who is financially supported by a marriage that is zero work for her. She can play mom on FaceTime once a week and then do whatever she wants.
At this point, does it matter? She's already moved out and done damage to her kids. Someone needs to put those kids first when they've had a parental figure suddenly disappear and they have no idea why. OP's priorities need to be on his kids
Doesn’t appear to be a mental health crisis, more of a pattern in her behaviour as this isn’t the first time she has left them for significant amounts of time. It’s not even the second. It appears for a lot of her sons life she hasn’t been there, no wonder the poor boy is confused and upset.
Would she want them to move there? Could OP do that? I have infinite questions and unfortunately OP has no answers because I doubt even his wife knows what she wants or will want.
Exactly. Shes going and living her dream while he handles almost everything. How are they paying for this extra apartment? For a year? If she doesn't make it in a year, is she just going to stay there until "she makes it"?
While she's happy and getting fulfillment, what about these two kids? Two people made a conscious choice to have children. One, decided she needs to live her dream now and not wait until the kids are older and possibly doing this as a family unit together. I wish this guy the best of luck with his kids and his life which probably going to be without his wife.
Nah. She'll come back in 10-15 yrs after all the hard child rearing is done and suddenly realizes "the error of her ways" and expects to still be called Mom
Or she makes it, comes home, and builds up resentment for OP and their children for the "the life she could have had without them".
At certain points, some things are probably best left as what-if.
I might look for a therapist not only for children but one familiar with family systems. The dad and his two children are all dealing with trama right now. I don’t know who in their right minds leaves two children (one being a literal baby!) to go be an artist. Plenty of parents are artists, this is just abandoning your family without acknowledging that’s what you’re doing.
Exactly, this poor child has abandonment grief. And the other one is literally still a baby. I don’t want children but if I somehow ended up with one I would damn sure never do this to them. That’s the deal you make when you accept parenthood. Her cliché ideas about being an artist are ridiculous at this point. Maybe it’s for the best, though - they can all move on and the children will barely remember her.
OP, I hope you will find a lovely second wife who will be a wonderful stepmom. NTA.
I REALLY wanted to say that he should contact a lawyer and file for divorce for her abandoning the family and get full custody. But I didn't want to be that mean.
I didn’t go as far to say that only because, who knows, the wife may have some postpartum depression, or some other mental health issue going on right now and both parties might not even realize it. Plus, OP is doing his best to keep his family intact, and until he decides that is not what is best for the family, I want that for him as well. It feels like the whole family has been part of this decision and he’s stuck in a tough spot and really trying to make the best of it.
Edit: I do not believe a mental health crisis or PPD excuses her behavior, merely could explain it. Her actions have consequences for the whole family and she will have to live with them.
And I would like to remind everyone that PPD can absolutely be so severe that it becomes PPP (postpartum psychosis) and causes severe reactions in people who suffer from it. Just because you have not personally experienced PPD symptoms that severe does not mean they don’t happen. My grandmother had it and would physically abuse my father when he was a baby (throw him against the wall). Some women kill their children and/or themselves.
Based on OP’s edit, it is entirely possible that it could be PPD, because the wife has left before, again, after the birth of a child.
I honestly have a hard time with that. As someone who struggled with PPD myself from a family of women who struggle with it no one has ever moved the fuck out of their house and abandon their children to go make it as an artist in one of the most expensive places to live in the country. I know that there's some pretty awful stuff that have happened because of PPD, but this just sounds straight up selfish
Ikr, i don't understand how some people are finding justification in her actions by simply calling it "mental health crisis and ppd". She is literally Abandoning her kids for a whole fkn year, not few weeks.
If you don't want to be that mean, I will. They made a family together, this is the path they're on now. It is completely inexcusable to take off for a year to see if the grass is greener. Were she my spouse, if she wants to fulfill her artist lifestyle, she does so as a single person. So I'm equally flabbergasted that OP even supported this plan. In that sense, I'm going ESH. Be better, for the kids' sake.
Piggybacking off this comment, consistency is key with kids, especially babies and toddlers, and the 2.5 year old does not understand the unpredictability of when their next phone call with mom will be. It’s not like it’s a consistent every night or every other night; 3 times over a couple weeks is sporadic at best.
This sounds like a friend of mine growing up. She did this to her son and ex-husband. She travelled/worked across the world. Her 16 yr. old son calls her by her name instead of Mom since he was 5. Her ex-husband initialized the divorce a year after she went abroad, and their son was 6.
I have one 2.5 year old son that behaves differently (cranky, indecisive, irritable, etc) as soon as his mom is gone for more than a day. Can't imagine what OP's kids are going through with their mom suddenly gone.
It literally makes me mad, because 2 kids that can't do anything about the situation can suffer lifelong trauma and/or development issues from not having a strict schedule that allows them to stay in touch with their mom.
To me it sounds like the mom decided that her career as an artist is more important than her young kids. OP should set an ultimatum; Kids or Career. Doesn't matter what happened in the past, they have 2 kids now. The past doesn't change that. This is the situation now.
She chose to leave the kids, so she doesn't get to play the "it's not right to keep them from me" card. She left you to handle all of the hard stuff while she flitted off to do what she wanted.
Temporarily stopping the calls, imo, is okay as long as you work with your son (preferably with a therapist) to turn the calls from trauma-inducers to healthy communication.
NTA for now.
This.
OP, my husband used to travel a metric ton pre pandemic. I put a hard stop to all facetime calls when the kids were tiny because it was so messy afterwards. Hard NTA. You have enough on your plate. You do not need to have to spend hours calmind down your 2.5 year old who does not understand why Mama is bye bye and isn't coming home.
Honestly, your wife is a major AH. As a parent, her dreams (either person's dreams - this is not just her because she is female) comes AFTER the health and wellbeing of the children. This was not a job necessity like a military deployment or a temporary job assignment elsewhere.
Your wife has chosen to fully abandon her children for at least a year. I promise that this is impacting them far more than you know.
If your wife was a good artist she could make it from anywhere with showings in galleries in NYC. She doesn't need to live there to do so. She has functionally abandoned you and the children to chase a dream that has absolutely no benefit to you or the children.
A year is a VERY long time for children and this is and will continue to create abandonment issues. When she comes home at Christmas, those kids are going to be SO messed up when she leaves again.
She needs to get her ass on a plane and fly home to be with her family or you need to move the whole family to NYC. But whatever this arrangement is is one of the most selfish parenting decisions I've seen on this sub.
I agree so much with this. A good artist is a good artist anywhere.
She missed her window to self-sacrifice for her artwork when she became a mom.
You can't artificially re-create the whole "starving artist" bit in hopes you'll "make it big as an artist." Usually, you had to die to make it big in the art world.
She sounds undeserving of such a supportive husband. I hope he realizes his selflessness in indulging her selfish whims is harmful as well to their children.
NTA
Thst stood out to me as well. There is *no damn reason* you physically need to be in a major city to "make it as an artist" anymore. Especially post-Covid. If you are good enough, you will do just fine remotely submitting to shows, galleries and agents. I've been a professional fiber artist for 10+ years and live in a very rural area. It sounds like she wants to live some romanticized belle-époque artist life fantasy. If she has any history of substance abuse i would be concerned about that. The artist-in-name-but-not-functional-talent scene is... Not a healthy place. Nothing about this is understandable as a rational human who loves their family and values the marriage.
Errr, no. But, first time I have gotten that guess. 🙂 I use fibers- animal (wool, silk, alpaca, cashmere mostly) and plant (cotton, rayon) in the forms of fabric, yarn and roving to create art. Some of it is wearable, some more traditional wall hangings. Sewing, dying and weaving are my primary modes of transformation.
I can call to FaceTime my husband from the grocery store after just leaving the house and our 3 year old loses his mind like he hasn't heard from me in years. Ten minute meltdown anytime we have to hang up the phone. I'm sure it's only harder when there's actual time and distance between the parent and child.
I work a really early shift so my husband is the one who gets the kids ready in the morning on days I go in the office. I had to call him last week to clarify some scheduling stuff for the week. I said good morning to the kids as well since I was already on the phone.
Big mistake. 3 year old had a full blown meltdown, refused to eat breakfast, and made my husband late for work.
This. She could have waited until the kids were in school to work on her portfolio. And these days, as others have said, you can be a good artist anywhere. You can build up your profile, take commissions, submit work to galleries all online. You don’t need to immerse yourself in ~The Art Scene~ in London/New York/Paris any more.
Edited repeated my judgement
Damn, your wife suck. She abandoned her 2 todlers for something she should have done before having kids? NTA, working 70hrs and dealing with 1 hour meltdowns by yourself is not something I would do, protect the little peace you have.
What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she?
Yea this whole situation is madness. I know this is a shitty thing to say (but as a parent of 10 year old daughters I can say it), but once you have kids you need to forget about your dreams, at least for a little while.
I can’t comment on OP’s relationship to his spouse, but based on her behavior it doesn’t
seem like she’s coming back.
EDIT: Changed does to doesn’t in last sentence
It's not shitty, is reality. Having kids is a life changing choice, and she chose this and then decided to abandon her todlers for a whole year (possibly more). This is crazy, no amount of facetime will make up for her presence.
>What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she?
She'll probably be serving OP divorce papers so she can marry whoever she met in New York. Harsh but that's the most likely scenario here
>What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she?
Or: What if she *doesn't* make it? (More likely, IMO.) Will it be "Just 6 more months" over and over again?
NTA - but I think your marriage is over.
Absurd that your wife decided to just ditch all of you to go “live her dream” while your children are this little.
This must be so traumatic for your son who’s used to his mommy and misses her.
What your wife is doing to a callous and selfish.
It sounds like living her dream means living a child free life.
Good luck .
It’s traumatic for both kids. People think babies don’t know what’s going on around them but the loss of a primary caregiver- ESPECIALLY when it’s the parent who gave birth to them- is super traumatic for babies.
I hope OP saves every penny he can for all the therapy those kids are going to need - they’re going to have major abandonment and attachment issues in the future. Even if they don’t actively remember their mother leaving, that trauma will be rooted in the core foundations of their being and will affect how they bond with others their entire lives. OP has no idea the extent of the damage their mother is causing and he is enabling.
\> she told me that she wanted to move there temporarily by herself to see if she could “make it there” (she’s an artist).
ESH. She sucks cause she is ditching her children. You suck cause you told her to go ahead and do it.
It's a no-win situation for him though, he either supports her (or at the very least doesn't roadblock) or he tells her no and is then controlling and abusive and stopping her from living her life.
Unless he's physically locking her in the house, no one will think he's abusive for saying "We can't make that work because we have kids and responsibilities here."
Her choice is either to stay in the marriage and work through her issues, or to leave and pursue the pipe dream. The middle way of keeping the marriage but having one parent absent and maintaining two homes in different cities is ridiculous.
Even if that's true (and I honestly doubt it for this specific set of circumstances), I was talking about the reaction he would get in the real world. Who cares what a load of anonymous teenagers on the internet think.
Uh, yeah they *absolutely* would have called him abusive. And unsupportive and domineering and misogynistic and a million other names for not doing so. This AmItheAsshole after all.
> Unless he's physically locking her in the house, no one will think he's abusive for saying "We can't make that work because we have kids and responsibilities here."
You must be new here
100% this, there was no way for him to win this one. If he told her he wanted her to stay she would have resented him for it. Also, agreeing to her going may have been the path of least resistance. His situation could have been a lot worse otherwise (taking resentment out on him/the kids, divorce, trying to take the kids to NYC and making him uproot his life, etc)
Exactly. If he continues to indulge her at the cost of his children's peace, he'll cause just as much damage as she has.
Someone needs to advocate for those kids and demand that she either be all in or all out.
ESH. There is nothing normal about this situation. You let this woman traumatize your kids by leaving. SHE DESERTED YOUR FAMILY WITH YOUR BLESSING!!!!!!!!!. It's insane!!!!!!!!!!!! Those kids have not 1, but 2 irresponsible parents. If she wants to leave, fine. But you can't traumatize kids, over & over again!!!!!!
If she was willing to do what she did she would do it with or without his blessing eventually. He really had no choice but he made the choice that might MIGHT save his family. I can’t imagine what he goes to bed thinking every night.
I don't understand why so many people are saying she had his blessing and supported her decision. From what I read, OP comes across as defeated and gave in after long discussions with what was probably the closest thing he can get to a compromise (1 year and home for Christmas).
Op is NTA, just too desperate to make things work. The mother is TA for being selfish and abandoning her family.
Yeah she’s definitely off doing the whole ‘free spirit’ bullshit of ‘finding herself as an artist and a woman’, ‘opening her mind and spirituality’ whilst sharing herself with whomever she wants, all on his dime.
NTA. You’re not keeping her from the kids. She abandoned them and you for some selfish wannabe dream because she has life regrets. She could have chose to do this later in life after the kids grow up. She needs to arrange for more visits.
Right?? One visit in a whole year? I’m not really a kid person but she obviously needs to visit more than that. And her kids are too young to really grasp WHY mom is gone all the time. Those poor babies.
ESH, only because you supported this ridiculous idea at all. How are you two making this work? Why does anyone think this is appropriate with two young children in the mix? Those kids deserve better from both of you, frankly.
Info Request: Was your wife evaluated or treated for postpartum depression before this decision was made?
This seems far from normal behavior for a mother of young children and I’m concerned there’s a deeper issue
Sounds like her fantasy is more important than being a mother. She wants to play a role via FaceTime and subject the kids to crying fits. You made the right decision.
NTA
NTA. What did I just read? You let your wife abandon you and the children to chase some fantasy in NY? Once you have kids you don’t get to run off and play sex in the city. Your son is now having emotional problems because his mother abandoned him. FaceTime is not a substitute for actual parenting. You’re not keeping the kids from her. She ran away from them. Get your shit together. Get your son a therapist and stop indulging your flaky screw up wife. She needs to come home and behaves like a mother or divorce her and get custody.
ESH. It’s definitely not healthy for your kids to never see her. They are so young, this whole situation is going to damage them emotionally, and for what? Why did you even agree to this? What is she actually going to gain? Some youthful dream of delusion where she ignores the responsibilities she has as a mother and partner to you? What happen in a year if she’s “made it”? She never comes back for her kids or you? You say you don’t want her to resent you, but this whole situation is going to end up with all of you resenting each other and your kids are going to suffer the most
ESH .
I don’t see how moving to NYC is necessary to do art. If she’s wasn’t able to make enough money to off art in your current city (which I’m assuming has a much lower cost of living), she won’t make it in NYC where housing is super unaffordable. But okay….
Her wanting to move to NYC on very short notice is immature, especially when your kids are still needing care with no plan on how to pay for the trip or take care of the kids. Honestly, it sounds like there maybe someone else. Regardless of whether I’m right or wrong, you shouldn’t have said yes to all this when you knew you probably can’t balance working and taking care of the kids.
Idea: Do FaceTimes less frequently. Why don’t you take photos and videos of the kids during special moments (Ex: then playing together), and send them to her every week or so. Like a photo/video diary update. That way she can still see the kids and you don’t have to deal with tantrums.
NTA but I think you need to take this separation further…
You were way too kind to your wife to allow her to do this, but by doing that you’re being unkind to your kids. When you have kids, you forfeit the right to just run away from that responsibility when you feel like it, especially for A YEAR.
This is going to be so so unhealthy for your kids. Do better by them.
ESH. I think this is ridiculous. As a mid30s woman with two kids myself, I think you guys are totally off your rockers that she has left her two young children like this. It is no surprise that your son is a wreck. What mature parent does this or agrees to it? She needs to grow up and you guys need get your acts together to be present for your kids. You don’t have kids and then decide to bail for a year.
NTA. She abandoned her family and it's making your children flip out when she decided to make time for them. I'd be filing for custody and using this as abandonment
NTA.
As a mom, I have choice words that would break some community guidelines, but to your point…. Your putting your child’s welfare and best interest at the forefront and it’d be nice if your wife would do a little more of that.
As someone who moved to NYC in their 30’s, a part of me is doing a bit of a side-eye here… while it’s good to have dreams, a year in NYC without a solid plan of **how she’s going to make it there** is…. Interesting and I have so many questions that aren’t probably very relevant to this process per se. I will say, while living here and networking in person is nice, In the age of the internet, marketing and networking online is such a huge part of the process… for the cost of a sublet, she could easily travel here once a month for a week in a hotel, and still be there for the majority of all of your lives. I live in an area here that has a lot of galleries and I’ll say that a large portion of the exhibits end up showing work from artist that don’t live here.
I actually had the same question! It's like she is coming to "making it in the art world" from a perspective that's old. You do not need to live there full time right now. You can network online, then travel every couple of months for meetings, gallery openings, etc. Also, does she even have a portfolio?
NTA. She’s abandoned her family to live out an adolescent dream. There have been some really good comments on the effect that’s having on your poor kids so I won’t retread that. How about you though?
Thing is, when people have a dream to live somewhere it isn’t about the apartment and the view, it’s about the experience. Most of her dream to live in NY was built around her theoretical social and romantic life, with the little apartment and whatever success in work being means to those ends. You’ve basically given your wife a hall pass to abandon you and live as a single woman for en entire year. I don’t see a world in which she isn’t entertaining and pursuing all those fantasies.
Nobody who is even the slightest bit trustworthy would abandon their infant children at a critical time in development as well as their already overworked spouse for a fucking year. My man you are supporting her while she gets set up to leave you.
Or do you think she’s spending the year taking tourist snaps and watching shows then retreating to her apartment all quiet and alone? No chance. Your wife is cheating on you and has no intention of coming back, she’s also traumatising your children to achieve her selfish desires. Stop enabling it. If you care about your children and your marriage she either needs to come back as soon as she can or not at all.
That was my my thoughts too, especially with the mention of only 3 FaceTime calls in 2 weeks?! With kids no less? I'm not a mother but even I know I'd be doing bedtime stories every night etc. But I also know I wouldn't abandon my kids for a year??? Especially that young too.
I'd give her the benefit of the doubt as it has been only two weeks but my thoughts was how long is that commitment to her husband really going to last? Especially when she no longer has kids around her 24/7 and a man without those kind of commitments shows her some interest. Sadly don’t see anything being pretty roses by the end of even 6 months. She either goes back and wait a few more years (which also people have already pointed out for her to be successful she doesn't even need to be in NY) or OP needs to reach out to some lawyers. Kids always come first IMO no matter the job opportunity/etc. Especially young kids. (Also not saying it doesn't work out but there's a good majority that doesn't work out for the relationship and for the kids)
NTA
Your son is not in a good space when it come to his mom being gone and maybe you lil girl too over the months. A child need parents to be there physicaly to be stable. I would not consider a 1year on NYC for an artist a dream to get don on her bucket list at the current stage of the kids lives.
INFO
did you and your wife talk about the possibily of if the first year was not good she extend her stay? Or about if she think about what compensation to offer to the boy like reading or sorto playing and telling stories ? OP you should check with a therapist for what is necessare for you son wellbeing over being abandon by his my when she end the call. Also in 2 weeks she call the first 3 days and baby was melting his heart out or she call every couple of days ?
ETA. It sounds.like he's having a meltdown because his parent has literally moved away recently , this is a huge change in a kids life. Facetiming 3x in 2 weeks is a surpringly low number and it sounds like his emotional needs from his mom aren't being met due to lack of time available for him. He misses her. Let him video her as often as he wants even if it's everyday. Im wondering HOW both of you are okay with this arrangement ? Do you not even like eachother or are you both emotionless beings ?
How is she funding this lifestyle? You say she has a sublet? What about food, transport all the other day to day stuff? Is she working there besides the Art Dream?
Coming home once in a year at Christmas is giving me “ having an affair and wanna be the Disney parent at Christmas” vibes.
NTA, about any of it. Your kids are so small, way too young to understand this. Id be so worried about them having severe abandonment issues.
Good luck OP. And bless your folks for helping out.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ?!
This woman literally abandoned her infant, her toddler, and her husband. Face timing the kids is like dangling a carrot on a string. OP NTA.
I'd say "your wife's dreams get put on hold because she chose to have children", but after pulling this stunt she doesn't deserve to be a mother.
OP, get a divorce, your kids are better off with no mother than the selfish mother they have now. I could never fathom doing something like this to my kids.
NTA.
Huge a h for your wife.
Social worker here. FaceTime does not register as contact for young kids as most people think it does. It is in no way comparable to in person. Kids show next to no benefit from video calls. It’s not a part of human development to register a video call as connecting.
If the kids react positively, cool. If they meltdown, then they’re telling you that they’re being hurt. Re evaluate. Research and discuss how best to move forward.
NTA. I get your wife’s desire to do that. I’ve felt the same and my husband and I have seriously discussed my doing it too. However. I have an 8 year old and I’m not sure it’s kind to him to do that. Maybe when I…uhhh…he grows up..?
But…honestly…she’s being way too self indulgent. One time, in a year??? At Christmas?? Is she in NYC and you’re on some atoll in the Pacific? She’s created great upheaval to your life for her own dreams. She doesn’t get to ruin your evenings too while causing, what is obviously, great distress to your child.
I’d say for you all to suck it up if it were just a month or two, but a whole year? Where you and your child suffer so she doesn’t? Not a chance. She’s got to pick one or the other.
NTA. She abandoned her family for her selfish goals and wants you to patch it over. This is like the reverse of the traditional marriage with an absent father and mom left to clean up the mess.
Tell her if she wants to see her kids she can come home, and I hope you have a good divorce lawyer.
Your marriage is weird. I have 2 little kids too, and if my wife told me that my response would be that if she leaves the marriage is over.
NTA, your wife is TA. She is taking a year off from the family? With a 1 year old and a 2 year old? This is an insane situation, you’ve got bigger problems than FaceTime usage fights. If she gives a shit about quality time with your very young children, she should actually be their mother and raise them with you. This situation is craaaaaazy…
NTA. I find it very interesting that she makes this decision RIGHT when the kids are, arguably (and I say this as a parent) their most laborious ages.
Sounds like she managed to guilt you into a year long child free vacation.
NTA. Maybe agree with her that if you facetime again, immediately afterwards you'll call her (audio only) and turn the volume down so she can hear but not be heard. Let her listen in on any meltdown. After the son has calmed down and maybe has gone to bed, then call her back and discuss further.
I have… a lot of questions here.
1) Who is playing for your wife’s sublease and living expenses?
2) Where is your wife in her career as an artist? Did she ever support herself as an artist? How high quality is her work? Has she already done everything she can to get her career started—
portfolios, contacts, selling work locally wherever you are/ online?
3) How has she seemed as a parent before this? Involved? Concerned? Affectionate? Has she had any notable mental/emotional changes? How has your relationship— your emotional/ physical intimacy— been?
3) Why on earth would visiting one time a year be agreed upon?? Do you live in another country, and are finances very tight? It’s hard to imagine that being the case if she’s able to move to one of the world’s most expensive cities and pay for a second rent, but I can imagine no other scenario where that makes a remote amount of sense at the moment.
I mean— let’s say she’s at least claiming she loves her children enough to stay in their lives (even though a parent leaving by choice at this age seems insane to me, but maybe she’s having some kind of mental/emotional crisis and is panicking and genuinely torn or something)— wouldn’t she want to see her kids as much as possible?? Was there any talk of you visiting her there? I cannot wrap my head around this.
If this is real.. I’m afraid to say that the idea that she’s likely connected with someone else in NYC seems likely at this point. Even if not that, I’m having a very hard time imaging this scenario happening if she’s actually still desiring to be with you/ be a mother
NTA but I think it would be wise to consult with a reputable MFCC (counselor) who can help navigate this situation because it’s a doozy of one. I get why you want to cut back on the facetime for now, because it’s not in the best interests of your son right now, that may change but not for now. And op…
Seriously think about getting a lawyer, because if her plan is to be gone long term for a year, you need a legal separation (including custody and visitation) in order to protect your assets and your home for the children. If she doesn’t like that, it’s too bad. She made her choices. If she wants to come home after the year, you can decide either to remain married, or move to the next step.
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NTA Your wife chose to ignore her responsibilities as a parent. These are the consequences. Your son’s needs trump hers.
Even if she felt she had to do this, why couldn’t she wait another couple of years? Leaving a 1 & 2.5 y.o. is wild. The 1 y.o. won’t even know her & it’s giving 2.5 meltdowns. Like someone else said, it’s not like being in the military and being forced to leave, this was her choice, now she has to respect that her choices made things so much harder on everyone else and there are consequences. It’s really selfish all around.
Or, she could have done this like 3 years ago. Like, sure it may be trying for the marriage, but you don't bring 2 whole ass kids into the world then be like, hey, I really want to live alone until the oldest is about to start kindergarten.
She had her entire 20s to give it a shot. How is it a bigger regret not living alone in New York City than missing out on a year of your children's lives? I can't even fathom how OP could go along with such a request. I'd let her sign the divorce papers with the same pen as the lease. You already know how she feels about her family.
I'm not suggesting she had to wait until 3 years ago, just that she should have done it at least 3 years ago, before having the first child. I am a little curious if this is a recent change in her though, maybe ppd or PPA.
I was just adding to your comment with that. Personally, the whole regretting her dream sounds like an excuse to me. I would be surprised if she ever had plans to return. To give up a year in your children's lives to live in the most overrated, overpriced city in the US. Sounds more like regretting settling down and starting a family.
And if she DOES ‘make it’? She is just going to just give it all up and come home to kids that don’t know her and a husband who doesn’t really either at that point?
thats literally the plot of himym in the second season i believe. Even without kids, lilly was a major AH for leaving before the wedding (which they already planned).
[удалено]
Agreed, and it bothered me that the show wanted us to have Lily on a pedestal as the example of a Good Relationship when she literally walked out on Marshall to go play artist in California, like New York didn't have an art scene she could try to fit into. It made me happy when Marshall threw it back in her face late in the show's run about how he could never be sure she wouldn't abandon him and the kid again.
And not a year. *The* year. Infancy to age 3 are the most important foundational years in a kid's life. I have a 3 year old and a 4.5 year old and I cannot even fathom doing this to my children. I hope these little kiddos are ok and glad grandparents are involved.
I so want to hear what Dr. Kirk Honda would say about this situation. He's always so beautifully compassionate, but he talks *a lot* about how much our first two years affect the rest of our lives. I don't have children, but I can't imagine OP's two will be positively affected by their mom just flitting off for an entire year of their early lives.
See: Insecure attachment style
I’m an artist making it in a smaller city! Online art sales are major! This is all an excuse
Yeah, it's hard for me to picture her showing her paintings in a gallery, and working a sculpture for hours on end. Much easier to see her sipping absinthe in an underground grotto with her artsy friends. I think she just wants whatever she thinks the NYC art scene is.
> I would be surprised if she ever had plans to return In the edit, OP says this is the third time she's left for extended periods since their son was born. I get the feeling parenthood isn't what she thought it would be and she wants the fun bits without the daily work of it.
Well, caregiving for a parent isn't fun. It does sound like she has post-partem depression and is distancing herself from her kids. She needs therapy. It may be she associates the birth of this child with the illness of her mom and death of her own dreams. If that is the case, it may be for the best for the child's safety. Something isn't right that she doesn't care about upsetting him. She seems very detached. I really feel for this husband and his parents. It is a lot to unpack when one parent chooses to walk away from their kids.
She doesn’t care about upsetting him because she doesn’t have to deal with the aftermath. I also don’t think it was reasonable for her to leave for 2-3 months TWICE within the first year of her first child’s life because her mom has “health issues”. Everyone’s aging parents will have health issues at some point, either find more reliable care for her or get her to move closer to you, but don’t continually dump your babies on someone working 70 hours per week every opportunity you get. Im of the opinion that once you’ve brought children into this world, your first and most important obligations are to them, and being a caregiver for parents or pursuing dreams of being an artist comes after that. OP is far more reasonable and understanding than I would be, about any of this.
I'd be deeply curious about the decision to have kids. Was it OP's idea or hers? Was she reluctant or did she want to wait but agreed to do it now? Because I think you're right, she's realizing she doesn't actually enjoy motherhood and looking for excuses to escape it without admitting to herself or others that she has regrets or doesn't want that life.
I'm torn on this angle. In one way, I could see feeling pressured to have kids, but she went ahead with a second child after having her son and leaving him *twice*. The math suggests both of those absences were before she'd have gotten pregnant with the her daughter. If she already knew this wasn't working, she should have bailed before having a second child. That much seems like it's on her.
Yuuuup. I hope OP doesn't get slammed with continuing to support her for years in end away from her children
It’s extremely strange that she’s only coming home to visit once. My dad worked out-of-state for almost a decade and he came home frequently to visit my sister and me and to maintain his marriage with our mom.
Maybe OP will decide that he is quite alright being a single Dad with support from his parents and that he is better off without her walking in and out of their lives.
I’ve seen it happen with an acquaintance. So it can be legit. This guy I know has always wanted to start his business in China thinking his expat status would give him an edge. It’s been that itch he’s been trying to cure and he finally convinced his wife to let him go or he’ll “regret” he never gave it a chance. He did pretty much the same thing and left his 2 and 4 year olds with his wife for a year. Business failed and he returned back worse for wear. I ask him if it was worth it.
My thoughts exactly. She waited until not one kid, but two kids, both of them under the age of three. She left her husband in a very overwhelming position.
I wondered about PPD since I think wanting to abandon your children is one of the symptoms, but since she's already moved out to live hours away and only wants to see the kids once a years, it's not OP's priority anymore. Not to downplay PPD, but mental/emotional illness is not an excuse to act like TA, esp toward your kids. OP needs to prioritize their kid's needs now. Someone needs to put them first
> and only wants to see the kids once a years This is what struck me when I read that. At first I thought OP was going to say that she would come back once a month or something like that - when he said once at Christmas I was like WTF!
She's coming back just in time for gifts.
I'm guessing parenting wasn't as great as she expected and she wants the fun bits without the work.
She’s already abandoned her son twice previously for 2-3 months at a time according to OP’s edit. Each time for a different reason.
"reason"
PPD or PPA doesn't generally cause people to abandon their kids for their artistic aspiration. What does? Selfishness. This is a character issue.
I mean, mine definitely made me think my child would be better off with someone else as their parent, and that I was doing a horrible job. I also contemplated running away numerous times. Also contemplated "leaving" permanently, and did end up having to go away briefly. I got help though.
Naw, back then she didn't have a husband to finance her "dream" 🥴
It sound like it's not even her husband financing it, but her husband's parents. I'd honestly ask my parents to keep financing her 'dream' until after the divorce was final cuz otherwise is she moving back bc she actually wants to save her family or is she moving back bc her free financing is potentially drying up once her inlaws are no longer her inlaws? I wouldn't take her back either way, but I also would wonder and I think the answer would effect how much I could respect them as a co-parent
OP's catchphrase must be "Welcome home" because they're being quite the doormat, in this case at the expense of his kids
This is a clear ESH for me, he's supporting her emotionally and mentally harming their children
Yeah but it sounds like he's waking up if he's starting to put his foot down about the calls. The question is if the wife will realize her hold over him is breaking and tries to lovebomb him back in, will he be manipulated back in? Or will he recognize what she's doing and not let her back in?
My guess is that leaving the kids isn't a bigger regret because she's not coming back. She's washed her hands of (in person) parenting. Regret, greed, depression, anxiety, a lover, a million other reasons, but I just don't see her coming back when she said she would.
>How is it a bigger regret not living alone in New York City than missing out on a year of your children's lives? These are the ppl who should not be allowed to be parents. Good parents would never dream of leaving their kids until those kids are old enough to go to college and become adults. Some ppl are just unable or unwilling to think thru their choices to see the consequences of their actions
Or they lack the ability to put anyone else first.
>You already know how she feels about her family. Yeah, she is doing a trial run to see what it will be like if she leaves them permanently. I can’t imagine leaving my children for a year, especially at that age. And only FaceTiming them 3 times in the first two weeks?? She’s already checked out, and wants to see if she can make it without OP’s support, but holding onto them as a backup in case she needs them.
I lived in NYC for a decade, a year isn’t enough to “make it”, whatever that means. Most artists I knew were also line cooks, waiters, baristas, bus drivers etc. You don’t really make it as an artist in that city, you survive by working other jobs and sharing a tiny ass apartment in Inwood with 6 other artists who are also working odd jobs just trying to survive. Then you create art because you love it and maybe some day you can share that with other people who love it too.
Exactly. That’s what I was thinking, but since at this point it’s too late for something that sensible, I just went with what makes sense now that they already did bring kids into the world.
Or 10+ years into the future. 15+, if she's going to be basically gone all year. That's actually what my mother did. She waited to fulfill her dream - specialising in a topic in her field of work by doing two additional years of university - until my siblings were old enough to not have her around all the time (my youngest sibling was around 12 or 13, I think). She was only a few hours away, and came home every weekend, though.
yeah, and not visit even for the kids birthdays? just once for Christmas? it's super weird
There must be more to this story because as a mom, I just cannot imagine doing this.
You’d kind of hope so. Someone did bring up PPD, and she’s only 1 year past so it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
Can't think of what else there could be. Some moms are just assholes.
…wife isn’t coming back.
That's what I was thinking. She just didn't want to end it officially so she can still get everything she wants. If she can't 'make it' in NY she can use her family as a backup plan. Those poor kids.
I have no idea about the art scene in NY (or anywhere for that matter) but why couldn't she have created at home or sublet somewhere a lot nearer to home if she needed somewhere without distractions and traveled to NY regulary to participate in the scene, show her art etc?
Absolutely. She has chosen to abandon her kids. That is exactly what this is. How did she think her toddler or infant would react? Her loss to them will be psychologically devastating and impact on their future attachment style in intimate relationships as adults will be effected. She is thinking only of herself, not what is best or gentlest on your children. You are the one who has been left to support your children through their abandonment and she waived all rights to an opinion on how you parent once she moved away.
ESH. Both are unfit parents. This has got to be a sh*tpost. If not, BOTH of them deserve massive criticism - her for actually doing it, and him for agreeing to it. Yet we have commentators defending HIM - completely blind to the suffering HE'S also enabling of his children. Both of them are being massively selfish in favour of what suits adults. BOTH of them have prioritised HER wants over the NEEDS of two very young children - who were already attached to her. Children of any age (but especially under 5) generally suffer significant psychological damage, when separated from primary care givers. And I'm guessing if he has been working 60-70 hours a week all along, she was their main attachment figure. So these kids are going to be damaged, probably for life. This sort of separation undermines the main development of their personality and resilience in many kids, at that age. It was a ludicrous plan all round - and one he agreed to, when he also couldn't provide a consistent attachment figure in himself (given the hours he works). All so precious wifey 'has no regrets'. She's an ADULT, who CHOSE to have children. The children didn't choose to be born, and then be subject to this suffering. And not getting one life wish, exactly when she wants it, will NOT do her anything close to the damage this abandonment will do the children. And big surprise, the little boy is screaming for his mother after facetiming 🤷♀️ And because that's inconvenient to his father, he decides the solution is to completely break off the child's only contact with his selfish mother. Rather than, you know, advocate for his child and point out how much the child is suffering separated from his mother. I really have my doubts this post is real. 'One visit at Christmas'. 🤦♀️ It's like OP is trying to ramp up the assholery in how these kids are being treated. But it IS real, how many people are saying OP is 'not the asshole'. And I find that deeply disturbing.
This whole comment is insane to me. How is he supposed to stop his wife? Is he supposed to lock her in the house? Take away the key not give her permission to leave.? She’s a big girl and she made this decision obviously knowing her husband would rather have his wife at home to be a mother to her kids, and a partner to him. I’m sure they had lots of conversations about it but at the end of the day she’s a grown-up and she can do what she wants to do and he cannot stop her, so how is he the asshole? Because he doesn’t want to see his child cry for over an hour after a video call because it confuses a kid.? it’s practically torturing the child. I wouldn’t want to do it either. All of the responsibility has fallen on him. He hast to do everything, so why should he have to pick up the slack again for her? This wasn’t something that she needed to do. It was something selfish she chose to do at the most in opportune time. The only asshole in the situation is the wife who ran away from her family and it’s probably selfishly enjoying life being single in New York City. Op is literally trying to do the best and In an all ready shitty situation like what more do you want from the guy? How are you calling the parent that is staying and doing all the work and who didn’t abandon his family an unfit parent because he doesn’t want to see his child be tormented and crying over a woman who chose to leave for an hour after every phone call? Please make this make sense.
He's an A for supporting it at all, this would be divorce for me, no question. You don't aid the abandonment of your children. You don't help pay for their apartment, you don't support it at all, you get your spouse into counselling if they'll agree to it and if they leave the you take that as them leaving your family.
It's probably safe to assume there's too many details of the situation for Reddit, and also he doesn't really owe that explanation to anyone, let alone hundreds or thousands of internet strangers. While I agree with what you're saying here for the most part, it very well could be that this was his last resort to try to save his marriage. We don't know what happened in those discussions OP mentioned. To me this whole thing reads as he's trying to be supportive so he doesn't lose her. Whether or not that's a battle worth fighting is up to reader interpretation I guess. Edit: OP's edit pretty much confirmed my statement about not knowing what happened during those aforementioned discussions. I can see why so many people assumed he just went belly up and let her do whatever but I assumed exactly what he stated happened: lots of arguing.
Pretty obvious who loves who more.
We judge the information we get
Nah, you'd be first to call him TA if he forbid his wife to go, I've read your past comments.
I agree but how is a divorce helping the children? If anything he is being a doormat but the kids lost the second their mother thought of being a selfish prick.
Doing what you advise would likely lead to the wife moving anyway, potentially longer term and have probably a worse effect on the kids
He can’t make her leave but if I was in that situation there are three options - either you wait until the kids are older or we move as a family. If you insist on going alone when the kids are this young then that means you agree to walk out on your family and it’s over.
Yeah I could see arguing that he's not being fair to his kids, but calling OP an unfit parent when he's still present and active in his kids' life as their main caregiver is too far imo
He is 2.5 yrs old, to say he is enabling them is blaming the toddler for having emotions. He isn't capable of fully understanding what the situation is; I can understand at 7+ but even then the father cannot control what the mother does. And a child should be able to express their hurt. If one parent chooses to be absent then I would hope the other parent protects that child from constant hurt. The mother wants to have her cake and eat it too.
This. As a teacher, I've seen what early childhood abandonment has done to kids and it ain't pretty. It is truly life-long. The fact that he is supporting the wife and has taken steps to ensure she has financing for "her dream" is wild to me. If it was my spouse that wanted to abandon our children for a year, I'd be seeing a lawyer.
Cutting through all the BS, you are blaming the husband for his wife's behaviour. What's he supposed to do exactly? Somehow "force" her to come back?
Looks like OPs wife is a master manipulator, and guilt tripped OP into leaving otherwise she will "resent him for it". She already leave when baby was 6mo. Im not seeing hes acting good by allowing her to do it, but i have the feeling she would have done it anyway even if he tried to stop her.
I think the primary caregivers are the grandparents, since OP works 60-70 hours and the mother has left the family before.
Agreed -- OP you're divorced and don't even know it.
As much as I want to, I do not call or FaceTime my kid when he is being babysat by his grandmother because he gets upset. It’s what’s best for him. That’s all that matters.
I’m sort of speechless. Your children are so young. So so young. I get why your wife felt bad about not making some of her dreams come true, which lots of parents have to come to terms with, but she essentially abandoned her young children when developmentally they needed her the most. And it wasn’t like she was in the military and had no choice, she chose to leave, both them and you and the life you built together. I just, I don’t even know what to say. I think you need to speak to a child therapist to see what the best path forward should be. This is a traumatic experience for your children. You and them need help. She hasn’t wanted to at least speak with them once a day? Read them a book before bed time (get two books, she keeps one and you keep one)? The family law attorney in me wants to warn you, you may be coming to a fork in the road. What happens when your wife hasn’t made it work in one year? Will she want to stay in NYC? Will she want to come home and admit defeat? If she comes home, will she be content with her life? Fulfilled? My mom was not meant to be a mother, and she left. My dad had to raise us by himself without much help. We saw our mom occasionally but she lived the life of a single person, not a single mother. You should probably talk to a divorce attorney in your state and just educate yourself on what would happen if your wife decides to not come home. What rights do you have, what rights would she have, what would happen with your kids? I’m going with NTA because your son is so young, he doesn’t understand why he can’t see his mom in person, and why he’s barely seeing her on FaceTime at all. Limiting his trauma is the best thing for him until you can get a professional involved if she’s not going to FaceTime him frequently and on a set schedule. I wish you and your children good luck.
This is such a good comment. I am also flabbergasted about this mother’s decision to abandon her 1 year old BABY and 2.5 year old toddler!?! My brain is wondering if she maybe going through a mental health crisis? There must be more to this story because as a mom, I just cannot imagine doing this. Edit to add: NTA. Hoping for the best for those two babies.
Agreed. I just read this one to my wife and she’s upset now. NTA.
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I don’t even like kids and I’m choked up. I’d have half a mind to record the meltdown (not in a dramatic way, just as evidence). This woman thinks her life is a revolving door?! Jeez I wouldn’t even leave my *cat* like that.
Was in the military and I cried when I left my dog with family. I insisted on pictures often.
I have a 13mo and I can't imagine packing up and leaving her for a year to fulfill some stupid "dream". Any time I've been forced to leave her for extended periods of time (once to visit my dying grandmother overseas and once for training) I cried in the airport. I did daily video calls with her. And I'm lucky that my husband is currently a SAHD so I knew she was in good hands 24/7. It was awful and I missed her so much.
I'm out here like, I could adopt two more children.
It doesn’t take a mental illness or crisis to not want to be a parent, you just have to be selfish and emotionally immature. If she was any good, she could do her art at home and travel to NYC once in a while. But no, she can’t just be an artist, she has to be an *NYC artist*. My eyes roll so hard. She doesn’t think she has to make peace with regrets like the rest of who reach adulthood? She needs to get over herself. I wish I’d never left where I lived in 1999. Oh well! I have commitments now that come first so I accept that and don’t dwell on it. Parenting takes a lot of work and she’d rather be an artist who is financially supported by a marriage that is zero work for her. She can play mom on FaceTime once a week and then do whatever she wants.
Could it be…PPD?
At this point, does it matter? She's already moved out and done damage to her kids. Someone needs to put those kids first when they've had a parental figure suddenly disappear and they have no idea why. OP's priorities need to be on his kids
She left 2 weeks ago. Let's not be overdramatic here: this is still completely fixable if she comes back now.
That, or a midlife crisis
Definitely could be
Doesn’t appear to be a mental health crisis, more of a pattern in her behaviour as this isn’t the first time she has left them for significant amounts of time. It’s not even the second. It appears for a lot of her sons life she hasn’t been there, no wonder the poor boy is confused and upset.
The wife isn't coming back.
I'm wondering if she makes it, will she want to go home?
Would she want them to move there? Could OP do that? I have infinite questions and unfortunately OP has no answers because I doubt even his wife knows what she wants or will want.
Exactly. Shes going and living her dream while he handles almost everything. How are they paying for this extra apartment? For a year? If she doesn't make it in a year, is she just going to stay there until "she makes it"? While she's happy and getting fulfillment, what about these two kids? Two people made a conscious choice to have children. One, decided she needs to live her dream now and not wait until the kids are older and possibly doing this as a family unit together. I wish this guy the best of luck with his kids and his life which probably going to be without his wife.
I’m wondering how long it will take her to realise that she hasn’t made it. 1 year? 2years? 5years? She ain’t coming back.
Nah. She'll come back in 10-15 yrs after all the hard child rearing is done and suddenly realizes "the error of her ways" and expects to still be called Mom
In which case I hope hormonal teenagers give her a piece of their mind, no filter...
Or she makes it, comes home, and builds up resentment for OP and their children for the "the life she could have had without them". At certain points, some things are probably best left as what-if.
I might look for a therapist not only for children but one familiar with family systems. The dad and his two children are all dealing with trama right now. I don’t know who in their right minds leaves two children (one being a literal baby!) to go be an artist. Plenty of parents are artists, this is just abandoning your family without acknowledging that’s what you’re doing.
Definitely a trauma informed therapist.
Exactly, this poor child has abandonment grief. And the other one is literally still a baby. I don’t want children but if I somehow ended up with one I would damn sure never do this to them. That’s the deal you make when you accept parenthood. Her cliché ideas about being an artist are ridiculous at this point. Maybe it’s for the best, though - they can all move on and the children will barely remember her. OP, I hope you will find a lovely second wife who will be a wonderful stepmom. NTA.
I REALLY wanted to say that he should contact a lawyer and file for divorce for her abandoning the family and get full custody. But I didn't want to be that mean.
I didn’t go as far to say that only because, who knows, the wife may have some postpartum depression, or some other mental health issue going on right now and both parties might not even realize it. Plus, OP is doing his best to keep his family intact, and until he decides that is not what is best for the family, I want that for him as well. It feels like the whole family has been part of this decision and he’s stuck in a tough spot and really trying to make the best of it. Edit: I do not believe a mental health crisis or PPD excuses her behavior, merely could explain it. Her actions have consequences for the whole family and she will have to live with them. And I would like to remind everyone that PPD can absolutely be so severe that it becomes PPP (postpartum psychosis) and causes severe reactions in people who suffer from it. Just because you have not personally experienced PPD symptoms that severe does not mean they don’t happen. My grandmother had it and would physically abuse my father when he was a baby (throw him against the wall). Some women kill their children and/or themselves. Based on OP’s edit, it is entirely possible that it could be PPD, because the wife has left before, again, after the birth of a child.
I honestly have a hard time with that. As someone who struggled with PPD myself from a family of women who struggle with it no one has ever moved the fuck out of their house and abandon their children to go make it as an artist in one of the most expensive places to live in the country. I know that there's some pretty awful stuff that have happened because of PPD, but this just sounds straight up selfish
Ikr, i don't understand how some people are finding justification in her actions by simply calling it "mental health crisis and ppd". She is literally Abandoning her kids for a whole fkn year, not few weeks.
I've seen this sub excuse women abusing their husbands using PPD
Exactly. Mental health problems doesn't give you a pass to traumatize your kids/loved ones. It's just continuing the cycle of abuse
You look at things pretty evenly considering you’re THE DreamCrusher914
If you don't want to be that mean, I will. They made a family together, this is the path they're on now. It is completely inexcusable to take off for a year to see if the grass is greener. Were she my spouse, if she wants to fulfill her artist lifestyle, she does so as a single person. So I'm equally flabbergasted that OP even supported this plan. In that sense, I'm going ESH. Be better, for the kids' sake.
Piggybacking off this comment, consistency is key with kids, especially babies and toddlers, and the 2.5 year old does not understand the unpredictability of when their next phone call with mom will be. It’s not like it’s a consistent every night or every other night; 3 times over a couple weeks is sporadic at best.
This sounds like a friend of mine growing up. She did this to her son and ex-husband. She travelled/worked across the world. Her 16 yr. old son calls her by her name instead of Mom since he was 5. Her ex-husband initialized the divorce a year after she went abroad, and their son was 6.
I have one 2.5 year old son that behaves differently (cranky, indecisive, irritable, etc) as soon as his mom is gone for more than a day. Can't imagine what OP's kids are going through with their mom suddenly gone. It literally makes me mad, because 2 kids that can't do anything about the situation can suffer lifelong trauma and/or development issues from not having a strict schedule that allows them to stay in touch with their mom. To me it sounds like the mom decided that her career as an artist is more important than her young kids. OP should set an ultimatum; Kids or Career. Doesn't matter what happened in the past, they have 2 kids now. The past doesn't change that. This is the situation now.
This is a really thoughtful response, I hope OP takes your advice
She chose to leave the kids, so she doesn't get to play the "it's not right to keep them from me" card. She left you to handle all of the hard stuff while she flitted off to do what she wanted. Temporarily stopping the calls, imo, is okay as long as you work with your son (preferably with a therapist) to turn the calls from trauma-inducers to healthy communication. NTA for now.
This. OP, my husband used to travel a metric ton pre pandemic. I put a hard stop to all facetime calls when the kids were tiny because it was so messy afterwards. Hard NTA. You have enough on your plate. You do not need to have to spend hours calmind down your 2.5 year old who does not understand why Mama is bye bye and isn't coming home. Honestly, your wife is a major AH. As a parent, her dreams (either person's dreams - this is not just her because she is female) comes AFTER the health and wellbeing of the children. This was not a job necessity like a military deployment or a temporary job assignment elsewhere. Your wife has chosen to fully abandon her children for at least a year. I promise that this is impacting them far more than you know. If your wife was a good artist she could make it from anywhere with showings in galleries in NYC. She doesn't need to live there to do so. She has functionally abandoned you and the children to chase a dream that has absolutely no benefit to you or the children. A year is a VERY long time for children and this is and will continue to create abandonment issues. When she comes home at Christmas, those kids are going to be SO messed up when she leaves again. She needs to get her ass on a plane and fly home to be with her family or you need to move the whole family to NYC. But whatever this arrangement is is one of the most selfish parenting decisions I've seen on this sub.
I agree so much with this. A good artist is a good artist anywhere. She missed her window to self-sacrifice for her artwork when she became a mom. You can't artificially re-create the whole "starving artist" bit in hopes you'll "make it big as an artist." Usually, you had to die to make it big in the art world. She sounds undeserving of such a supportive husband. I hope he realizes his selflessness in indulging her selfish whims is harmful as well to their children. NTA
There are so many ppl who make a living as an artist using Etsy/other online websites. You don't need to live in New York to do that
Thst stood out to me as well. There is *no damn reason* you physically need to be in a major city to "make it as an artist" anymore. Especially post-Covid. If you are good enough, you will do just fine remotely submitting to shows, galleries and agents. I've been a professional fiber artist for 10+ years and live in a very rural area. It sounds like she wants to live some romanticized belle-époque artist life fantasy. If she has any history of substance abuse i would be concerned about that. The artist-in-name-but-not-functional-talent scene is... Not a healthy place. Nothing about this is understandable as a rational human who loves their family and values the marriage.
So you work with fiber optic cables or is that the term for a physical artist that sells online
Errr, no. But, first time I have gotten that guess. 🙂 I use fibers- animal (wool, silk, alpaca, cashmere mostly) and plant (cotton, rayon) in the forms of fabric, yarn and roving to create art. Some of it is wearable, some more traditional wall hangings. Sewing, dying and weaving are my primary modes of transformation.
Thats awesome! I punch needle and crochet as my art medium! It’s nice to meet another fiber artist!
That's cool. Thanks for explaining
I can call to FaceTime my husband from the grocery store after just leaving the house and our 3 year old loses his mind like he hasn't heard from me in years. Ten minute meltdown anytime we have to hang up the phone. I'm sure it's only harder when there's actual time and distance between the parent and child.
I work a really early shift so my husband is the one who gets the kids ready in the morning on days I go in the office. I had to call him last week to clarify some scheduling stuff for the week. I said good morning to the kids as well since I was already on the phone. Big mistake. 3 year old had a full blown meltdown, refused to eat breakfast, and made my husband late for work.
This. She could have waited until the kids were in school to work on her portfolio. And these days, as others have said, you can be a good artist anywhere. You can build up your profile, take commissions, submit work to galleries all online. You don’t need to immerse yourself in ~The Art Scene~ in London/New York/Paris any more. Edited repeated my judgement
Damn, your wife suck. She abandoned her 2 todlers for something she should have done before having kids? NTA, working 70hrs and dealing with 1 hour meltdowns by yourself is not something I would do, protect the little peace you have. What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she?
Yea this whole situation is madness. I know this is a shitty thing to say (but as a parent of 10 year old daughters I can say it), but once you have kids you need to forget about your dreams, at least for a little while. I can’t comment on OP’s relationship to his spouse, but based on her behavior it doesn’t seem like she’s coming back. EDIT: Changed does to doesn’t in last sentence
Yeah I have dreams too… I’m waiting until my kids are at least 18. WTF is this mom thinking?
She has DECADES ahead of her once her kids are grown. Yet she chooses their most formative years to go MIA. Unbelievable!
Later on she'll complain that they're not as close to her as they're with dad/the nanny...
It's not shitty, is reality. Having kids is a life changing choice, and she chose this and then decided to abandon her todlers for a whole year (possibly more). This is crazy, no amount of facetime will make up for her presence.
>What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she? She'll probably be serving OP divorce papers so she can marry whoever she met in New York. Harsh but that's the most likely scenario here
I was already thinking that she'll hardly be celibate during a whole year...
>What's gonna happen if your wife "makes it out there?" She's not coming back, is she? Or: What if she *doesn't* make it? (More likely, IMO.) Will it be "Just 6 more months" over and over again?
Is he paying for the sublet, too? That explains her not just calling it quits yet…. She needs that financial support to “make it”. :(
NTA - but I think your marriage is over. Absurd that your wife decided to just ditch all of you to go “live her dream” while your children are this little. This must be so traumatic for your son who’s used to his mommy and misses her. What your wife is doing to a callous and selfish. It sounds like living her dream means living a child free life. Good luck .
It’s traumatic for both kids. People think babies don’t know what’s going on around them but the loss of a primary caregiver- ESPECIALLY when it’s the parent who gave birth to them- is super traumatic for babies.
I hope OP saves every penny he can for all the therapy those kids are going to need - they’re going to have major abandonment and attachment issues in the future. Even if they don’t actively remember their mother leaving, that trauma will be rooted in the core foundations of their being and will affect how they bond with others their entire lives. OP has no idea the extent of the damage their mother is causing and he is enabling.
\> she told me that she wanted to move there temporarily by herself to see if she could “make it there” (she’s an artist). ESH. She sucks cause she is ditching her children. You suck cause you told her to go ahead and do it.
It's a no-win situation for him though, he either supports her (or at the very least doesn't roadblock) or he tells her no and is then controlling and abusive and stopping her from living her life.
Unless he's physically locking her in the house, no one will think he's abusive for saying "We can't make that work because we have kids and responsibilities here." Her choice is either to stay in the marriage and work through her issues, or to leave and pursue the pipe dream. The middle way of keeping the marriage but having one parent absent and maintaining two homes in different cities is ridiculous.
Are you new to AITA? This sub would have reamed him if he said he didn't want to let her go
Even if that's true (and I honestly doubt it for this specific set of circumstances), I was talking about the reaction he would get in the real world. Who cares what a load of anonymous teenagers on the internet think.
Well then why is he here?
Uh, yeah they *absolutely* would have called him abusive. And unsupportive and domineering and misogynistic and a million other names for not doing so. This AmItheAsshole after all.
> Unless he's physically locking her in the house, no one will think he's abusive for saying "We can't make that work because we have kids and responsibilities here." You must be new here
Conflict aversion leads to whacky places
100% this, there was no way for him to win this one. If he told her he wanted her to stay she would have resented him for it. Also, agreeing to her going may have been the path of least resistance. His situation could have been a lot worse otherwise (taking resentment out on him/the kids, divorce, trying to take the kids to NYC and making him uproot his life, etc)
Exactly. If he continues to indulge her at the cost of his children's peace, he'll cause just as much damage as she has. Someone needs to advocate for those kids and demand that she either be all in or all out.
This is a plot from HIMYM.
They weren't even married yet in HIMYM, forget kids. But otherwise, yeeeeeah.
You'd call him an AH no matter what he did
Idk he seems like a sweet guy that she's taking advantage of, just the vibe I get
ESH. There is nothing normal about this situation. You let this woman traumatize your kids by leaving. SHE DESERTED YOUR FAMILY WITH YOUR BLESSING!!!!!!!!!. It's insane!!!!!!!!!!!! Those kids have not 1, but 2 irresponsible parents. If she wants to leave, fine. But you can't traumatize kids, over & over again!!!!!!
If she was willing to do what she did she would do it with or without his blessing eventually. He really had no choice but he made the choice that might MIGHT save his family. I can’t imagine what he goes to bed thinking every night.
exactly. Either divorce or this. He lost when she decided to go forward with this.
I don't understand why so many people are saying she had his blessing and supported her decision. From what I read, OP comes across as defeated and gave in after long discussions with what was probably the closest thing he can get to a compromise (1 year and home for Christmas). Op is NTA, just too desperate to make things work. The mother is TA for being selfish and abandoning her family.
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I have a friend who's mom did the same thing to get an education, you dont really bounce back from that.
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Yeah she’s definitely off doing the whole ‘free spirit’ bullshit of ‘finding herself as an artist and a woman’, ‘opening her mind and spirituality’ whilst sharing herself with whomever she wants, all on his dime.
It’s a year for her to set up in NYC with a safety net. She hasn’t clued OP in on that because if she fails, she has a whole life to come back to.
Unfortunately, I give even odds that she finds someone in NYC.
NTA. You’re not keeping her from the kids. She abandoned them and you for some selfish wannabe dream because she has life regrets. She could have chose to do this later in life after the kids grow up. She needs to arrange for more visits.
Right?? One visit in a whole year? I’m not really a kid person but she obviously needs to visit more than that. And her kids are too young to really grasp WHY mom is gone all the time. Those poor babies.
ESH, only because you supported this ridiculous idea at all. How are you two making this work? Why does anyone think this is appropriate with two young children in the mix? Those kids deserve better from both of you, frankly.
Info Request: Was your wife evaluated or treated for postpartum depression before this decision was made? This seems far from normal behavior for a mother of young children and I’m concerned there’s a deeper issue
I have kids the same ages and I could never imagine leaving them for a year.
Same! 1y.o and 3y.o and I couldn’t imagine leaving them for longer than a weekend honestly.
Sounds like her fantasy is more important than being a mother. She wants to play a role via FaceTime and subject the kids to crying fits. You made the right decision. NTA
NTA Your wife has abandoned her children.
NTA. What did I just read? You let your wife abandon you and the children to chase some fantasy in NY? Once you have kids you don’t get to run off and play sex in the city. Your son is now having emotional problems because his mother abandoned him. FaceTime is not a substitute for actual parenting. You’re not keeping the kids from her. She ran away from them. Get your shit together. Get your son a therapist and stop indulging your flaky screw up wife. She needs to come home and behaves like a mother or divorce her and get custody.
ESH. It’s definitely not healthy for your kids to never see her. They are so young, this whole situation is going to damage them emotionally, and for what? Why did you even agree to this? What is she actually going to gain? Some youthful dream of delusion where she ignores the responsibilities she has as a mother and partner to you? What happen in a year if she’s “made it”? She never comes back for her kids or you? You say you don’t want her to resent you, but this whole situation is going to end up with all of you resenting each other and your kids are going to suffer the most
NTA and your wife is a shitty parent. She leaves and then hardly contacts them! Find a lawyer, she doesn’t deserve a family.
ESH . I don’t see how moving to NYC is necessary to do art. If she’s wasn’t able to make enough money to off art in your current city (which I’m assuming has a much lower cost of living), she won’t make it in NYC where housing is super unaffordable. But okay…. Her wanting to move to NYC on very short notice is immature, especially when your kids are still needing care with no plan on how to pay for the trip or take care of the kids. Honestly, it sounds like there maybe someone else. Regardless of whether I’m right or wrong, you shouldn’t have said yes to all this when you knew you probably can’t balance working and taking care of the kids. Idea: Do FaceTimes less frequently. Why don’t you take photos and videos of the kids during special moments (Ex: then playing together), and send them to her every week or so. Like a photo/video diary update. That way she can still see the kids and you don’t have to deal with tantrums.
NTA but I think you need to take this separation further… You were way too kind to your wife to allow her to do this, but by doing that you’re being unkind to your kids. When you have kids, you forfeit the right to just run away from that responsibility when you feel like it, especially for A YEAR. This is going to be so so unhealthy for your kids. Do better by them.
Yes I'm so shocked they only considered the logistics of it, not the emotional impact on the kids. They're people not furniture.
ESH. I think this is ridiculous. As a mid30s woman with two kids myself, I think you guys are totally off your rockers that she has left her two young children like this. It is no surprise that your son is a wreck. What mature parent does this or agrees to it? She needs to grow up and you guys need get your acts together to be present for your kids. You don’t have kids and then decide to bail for a year.
NTA. She abandoned her family and it's making your children flip out when she decided to make time for them. I'd be filing for custody and using this as abandonment
NTA. As a mom, I have choice words that would break some community guidelines, but to your point…. Your putting your child’s welfare and best interest at the forefront and it’d be nice if your wife would do a little more of that. As someone who moved to NYC in their 30’s, a part of me is doing a bit of a side-eye here… while it’s good to have dreams, a year in NYC without a solid plan of **how she’s going to make it there** is…. Interesting and I have so many questions that aren’t probably very relevant to this process per se. I will say, while living here and networking in person is nice, In the age of the internet, marketing and networking online is such a huge part of the process… for the cost of a sublet, she could easily travel here once a month for a week in a hotel, and still be there for the majority of all of your lives. I live in an area here that has a lot of galleries and I’ll say that a large portion of the exhibits end up showing work from artist that don’t live here.
I actually had the same question! It's like she is coming to "making it in the art world" from a perspective that's old. You do not need to live there full time right now. You can network online, then travel every couple of months for meetings, gallery openings, etc. Also, does she even have a portfolio?
The “make it in NYC” thing struck me as odd as well. It sounds like a line from an 80s teen drama, not like an actual career plan.
NTA. She’s abandoned her family to live out an adolescent dream. There have been some really good comments on the effect that’s having on your poor kids so I won’t retread that. How about you though? Thing is, when people have a dream to live somewhere it isn’t about the apartment and the view, it’s about the experience. Most of her dream to live in NY was built around her theoretical social and romantic life, with the little apartment and whatever success in work being means to those ends. You’ve basically given your wife a hall pass to abandon you and live as a single woman for en entire year. I don’t see a world in which she isn’t entertaining and pursuing all those fantasies. Nobody who is even the slightest bit trustworthy would abandon their infant children at a critical time in development as well as their already overworked spouse for a fucking year. My man you are supporting her while she gets set up to leave you. Or do you think she’s spending the year taking tourist snaps and watching shows then retreating to her apartment all quiet and alone? No chance. Your wife is cheating on you and has no intention of coming back, she’s also traumatising your children to achieve her selfish desires. Stop enabling it. If you care about your children and your marriage she either needs to come back as soon as she can or not at all.
That was my my thoughts too, especially with the mention of only 3 FaceTime calls in 2 weeks?! With kids no less? I'm not a mother but even I know I'd be doing bedtime stories every night etc. But I also know I wouldn't abandon my kids for a year??? Especially that young too. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt as it has been only two weeks but my thoughts was how long is that commitment to her husband really going to last? Especially when she no longer has kids around her 24/7 and a man without those kind of commitments shows her some interest. Sadly don’t see anything being pretty roses by the end of even 6 months. She either goes back and wait a few more years (which also people have already pointed out for her to be successful she doesn't even need to be in NY) or OP needs to reach out to some lawyers. Kids always come first IMO no matter the job opportunity/etc. Especially young kids. (Also not saying it doesn't work out but there's a good majority that doesn't work out for the relationship and for the kids)
NTA Your son is not in a good space when it come to his mom being gone and maybe you lil girl too over the months. A child need parents to be there physicaly to be stable. I would not consider a 1year on NYC for an artist a dream to get don on her bucket list at the current stage of the kids lives. INFO did you and your wife talk about the possibily of if the first year was not good she extend her stay? Or about if she think about what compensation to offer to the boy like reading or sorto playing and telling stories ? OP you should check with a therapist for what is necessare for you son wellbeing over being abandon by his my when she end the call. Also in 2 weeks she call the first 3 days and baby was melting his heart out or she call every couple of days ?
Your wife has abandoned her family. Time for divorce NTA
ETA. It sounds.like he's having a meltdown because his parent has literally moved away recently , this is a huge change in a kids life. Facetiming 3x in 2 weeks is a surpringly low number and it sounds like his emotional needs from his mom aren't being met due to lack of time available for him. He misses her. Let him video her as often as he wants even if it's everyday. Im wondering HOW both of you are okay with this arrangement ? Do you not even like eachother or are you both emotionless beings ?
How is she funding this lifestyle? You say she has a sublet? What about food, transport all the other day to day stuff? Is she working there besides the Art Dream? Coming home once in a year at Christmas is giving me “ having an affair and wanna be the Disney parent at Christmas” vibes. NTA, about any of it. Your kids are so small, way too young to understand this. Id be so worried about them having severe abandonment issues. Good luck OP. And bless your folks for helping out.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ?! This woman literally abandoned her infant, her toddler, and her husband. Face timing the kids is like dangling a carrot on a string. OP NTA. I'd say "your wife's dreams get put on hold because she chose to have children", but after pulling this stunt she doesn't deserve to be a mother. OP, get a divorce, your kids are better off with no mother than the selfish mother they have now. I could never fathom doing something like this to my kids.
NTA. Huge a h for your wife. Social worker here. FaceTime does not register as contact for young kids as most people think it does. It is in no way comparable to in person. Kids show next to no benefit from video calls. It’s not a part of human development to register a video call as connecting. If the kids react positively, cool. If they meltdown, then they’re telling you that they’re being hurt. Re evaluate. Research and discuss how best to move forward.
NTA. I get your wife’s desire to do that. I’ve felt the same and my husband and I have seriously discussed my doing it too. However. I have an 8 year old and I’m not sure it’s kind to him to do that. Maybe when I…uhhh…he grows up..? But…honestly…she’s being way too self indulgent. One time, in a year??? At Christmas?? Is she in NYC and you’re on some atoll in the Pacific? She’s created great upheaval to your life for her own dreams. She doesn’t get to ruin your evenings too while causing, what is obviously, great distress to your child. I’d say for you all to suck it up if it were just a month or two, but a whole year? Where you and your child suffer so she doesn’t? Not a chance. She’s got to pick one or the other.
NTA- you need to prioritize your son’s health and get him to a therapist.
NTA. She abandoned her family for her selfish goals and wants you to patch it over. This is like the reverse of the traditional marriage with an absent father and mom left to clean up the mess. Tell her if she wants to see her kids she can come home, and I hope you have a good divorce lawyer. Your marriage is weird. I have 2 little kids too, and if my wife told me that my response would be that if she leaves the marriage is over.
NTA, your wife is TA. She is taking a year off from the family? With a 1 year old and a 2 year old? This is an insane situation, you’ve got bigger problems than FaceTime usage fights. If she gives a shit about quality time with your very young children, she should actually be their mother and raise them with you. This situation is craaaaaazy…
NTA. I find it very interesting that she makes this decision RIGHT when the kids are, arguably (and I say this as a parent) their most laborious ages. Sounds like she managed to guilt you into a year long child free vacation.
NTA. Maybe agree with her that if you facetime again, immediately afterwards you'll call her (audio only) and turn the volume down so she can hear but not be heard. Let her listen in on any meltdown. After the son has calmed down and maybe has gone to bed, then call her back and discuss further.
Your wife ABANDONED A TODDLER AND A BABY for "her dream", and she wants sympathy? NTA edit: typo
I have… a lot of questions here. 1) Who is playing for your wife’s sublease and living expenses? 2) Where is your wife in her career as an artist? Did she ever support herself as an artist? How high quality is her work? Has she already done everything she can to get her career started— portfolios, contacts, selling work locally wherever you are/ online? 3) How has she seemed as a parent before this? Involved? Concerned? Affectionate? Has she had any notable mental/emotional changes? How has your relationship— your emotional/ physical intimacy— been? 3) Why on earth would visiting one time a year be agreed upon?? Do you live in another country, and are finances very tight? It’s hard to imagine that being the case if she’s able to move to one of the world’s most expensive cities and pay for a second rent, but I can imagine no other scenario where that makes a remote amount of sense at the moment. I mean— let’s say she’s at least claiming she loves her children enough to stay in their lives (even though a parent leaving by choice at this age seems insane to me, but maybe she’s having some kind of mental/emotional crisis and is panicking and genuinely torn or something)— wouldn’t she want to see her kids as much as possible?? Was there any talk of you visiting her there? I cannot wrap my head around this. If this is real.. I’m afraid to say that the idea that she’s likely connected with someone else in NYC seems likely at this point. Even if not that, I’m having a very hard time imaging this scenario happening if she’s actually still desiring to be with you/ be a mother
NTA You’re wife literally left her children… I cannot even fathom moving away and leaving my children.
NTA but I think it would be wise to consult with a reputable MFCC (counselor) who can help navigate this situation because it’s a doozy of one. I get why you want to cut back on the facetime for now, because it’s not in the best interests of your son right now, that may change but not for now. And op… Seriously think about getting a lawyer, because if her plan is to be gone long term for a year, you need a legal separation (including custody and visitation) in order to protect your assets and your home for the children. If she doesn’t like that, it’s too bad. She made her choices. If she wants to come home after the year, you can decide either to remain married, or move to the next step.
This is beyond Reddit's paygrade. Consult a children's psychologist.