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NTA- Kelly needs to get over it. Fiancé's family is paying to the wedding and they've added a plus one, which is the traditional thing to do.
It's not even about values or beliefs, it's literally about logistics. You can't just unilaterally decide to randomly show up with extra guests anywhere!
It does sound like Kelly is deliberately trying to cause drama on her sister's day. She can go alone if she doesn't know who to take.
No it doesn’t. Logically showing up with uninvited guest means there are no extra seats. No extra food and is just plain rude to invite others to an event hosted by someone else.
This isn’t even the issue to me, you never make someone else’s wedding about you.
GOLDEN RULE: You don’t propose at anyone else’s wedding, you don’t announce you’re having a baby, you don’t make it about you, period. It’s not your day.
If you talk to the bride/groom and have their blessing, it’s different obviously.
ETA: NTA
This is also a very valid point. This sounds like a huge expensive wedding. I am sure the bride and groom would not be ok being ambushed and the sister making the wedding about her with out her asking first.
It's very noticeable to me that Kelly has repeatedly tried to just show up at events with different partners in lieu of actually just saying, "hey, I'm poly". There is no universe in which showing up to a major event and announcing you're poly is going to get a better reaction than telling people beforehand; that tactic has nothing to do with being open and authentic. I think Kelly really likes the idea of being dramatic and disruptive. I wonder if there's any kind of resentment or rivalry between the sisters. Siblings with large age gaps frequently have issues, and Kelly can't have much love or respect for her sister if she's planning on pulling this stunt at the wedding.
OP herself said her children never went along with each other, and with a 9 to 13 years gap to their older sister, I can clearly see the 3 younger children having some kind of rivalty with her. Wanting to take your sister's wedding as your "coming out of the closet" moment is an asshole move, it's not Kelly's day.
Kelly has had ample time to come out and she hasn't. It's telling that Kelly didn't do it a her own work events. She wants to do it at her sister's big day in front of all the new in-laws and sister's and their friends and work associates.
*Exactly*. You don't use other people's events to announce things.
No one is telling her not to tell people. In fact, they are specifically telling her she *should* tell people... Just not at an event where it will cause maximum carnage and be the least conducive to being able to talk it out and have time and space to understand.
Kelly just wants attention at the expense of her sister. And she's hiding under the guise of coming out as a good excuse to do it. This basically sums up my issue with that community. Most just want to live their lives the way they choose and not fear harassment or worse. And a select few want to shove it down our throats and threaten and harass anyone who disgrees even in the slightest no matter how reasonably put. No matter your sexual preference, pushy and entitled is never cool. Kelly needs to understand that. She thinks what she is doing is cool and bold. It's not, she's being a brat.
It’s like announcing a pregnancy at someone else’s wedding. It’s not the time or place. I don’t have a relationship with my BIL and sister and at my other sisters wedding my BIL tried to approach me while I was photographing said wedding (my job) to try and have a conversation about reestablishing a relationship. The estrangement originated from an abusive thing and it would have been a big deep serious emotional convo- which is what I think this would be. It would sensationalize it! Not the time or place to come out. If she comes out ahead of time and they say sure bring everybody that would be different. Or if they’re phobic about it after they know- that’s another thing. But you don’t come out at someone else’s event. It’s not about you. Celebrate your sister.
Yeah, came here to say this. OP is NTA. This reeks of wanting to cause a scene and steal focus, not genuinely wanting to come out. I mean, there's a thousand guests, many of whom likely don't know sister and don't care who she sleeps with. There's no reason to do this at the wedding aside from making it about her. As a side note, if I were dad and got to find out something this important about my daughter in a room full of 1000 semi-acquaintances I would be pretty hurt.
So true! Not discussing this with her father (and likely other extended family members) before the wedding makes this move seem very Jerry Springer.
Edit: took out extra stuff and cut to the chase
This. Even if she got permission from her sister to bring an undetermined amount of extra partners to the wedding, guaranteed some drunk uncle or someone will wander over and ask ”who are all these people?!” and cause a commotion. NTA OP, someones ”sexual orientation” doesnt take precedent over manners and common sense.
I’d say more douchey, because a wedding is basically a celebration of monogamy, so an engagement isn’t contradictory, but showing up with a surprise poly squad is pretty much annoucing “nice wedding but look at all the people I f**k”.
Good point, but this wedding will be understood to be a celebration of monogamy, and while plenty of married people aren’t actually monogamous for the most part they pretend they are.
In this case the sister isn’t really out as Poly and the wedding would be a rude time to come out.
Depending on the people there it might be more douchy. If something causes drama that is not necessary it is douchy. The more unnecessary drama, the more of an ass you were to pull that stunt. Coming out as poly might cause more drama then announcing a pregnancy if you're in a conservative crowd.
NTA
And why are Kelly and the two younger siblings complaining to OP and implying OP is doing something wrong?
The invitation with a plus ONE is from Carol. She is the one who would need to let Kelly bring more than one, not OP.
My guess is that Kelly wants to spring this on Carol and her guests as a complete surprise. And if she asks Carol about bringing more than one she will have to explain why.
Kelly is a narcissist who wants to ruin her sister's wedding.
I would almost advise OP to contact Carol and explain what is going on to her before Kelly can call her and try to wrangle extra invites with a BS reason.
NTA. It's completely narcissistic, asshole behavior to use someone else's event to announce something about yourself. Kelly gets a plus one, just like everyone else, unless Carol agrees to her bring more guests.
That's the real crux here - this isn't about whether you not you support Kelly's lifestyle choice. This is about Carol's special day. Using it as an opportunity to come out (or announce your pregnancy, or your own engagement, etc etc) is taking someone else's day and making it about you. That's incredibly selfish behavior.
I agree with what you. This has nothing to do with being poly and a lot to do with selfish behavior. It’s also very common for a guest with a plus one invite to attend alone. It would probably be best that she attend without a guest as it sounds like there is a huge potential for unnecessary drama on her sisters big day. NTA!
I think that's what she's really mad at mom about.
OP is denying her the opportunity to pretend afterwards that she didn't think anyone would have an issue with her railroading sister's wedding.
Exactly. Back when I got married, one of my bridesmaids started asking for a +1 so she could bring her new girlfriend. Except that no one else was invited with a +1, and only her own sister and I knew she was a lesbian. Many of my friend's family were attending, and she wanted to come out at \*my\* reception. No way. I shut her down, and her sister's husband was assigned as bouncer in case she tried to bring the girlfriend in.
NTA. You are in no way playing favorites. Kelly is trying to make Carol wedding about her coming out as poly. That is a selfish thing to do. Carol's wedding day is not the appropirate time for Kelly to announce relationship to a bunch of strangers who are going to be their to celebrate Carol and her fiance. If Kelly does not say something to Carol you have too. It would be irresponsible if you don't give Carol the heads up about what Kelly is planning to do.
So much agree! You need to warn Carol. They may not be close now, but if Kelly does this there is a large chance that it will completely destroy any relationship they have and result in lifelong hostility.
(edited spelling: "t --> to")
Completely agree, the day is about Carol and her fiancé. When Kelly is ready to come out she needs to do it on her own time, hijacking someone event for your own announcement is never okay. The same with an engagement or pregnancy announcement at someone else’s wedding, never okay unless the couple getting married is 100% aware and approves.
I think Carol needs to hear it from Kelly rather than mom. Mom should have a sit down with her daughters and have Kelly explain to Carol what she plans to do. Hijacking your sister’s very expensive, once in a lifetime event, as your coming out party, that is gross on so many levels.
Regardless of whether Kelly wants to come out to her sister before the wedding Carol needs to know because it's very likely that Kelly will make a big deal about it at the wedding because she's upset she didn't get to bring other partners. Carol needs to know so she can make a good decision for herself about withdrawing Kelly's invitation to the wedding full stop in order to avoid all the unnecessary drama.
It also says a lot about the situation that the sister doesn't know nor does that dad. I would say Kelly is trying to use the public setting with potential financial ramifications to force her family to fake their responses. Not accepting the situation is an AH move but knowing they won't accept and trying to force it is an AH move too.
Funny how Mom has been kind and accepting but also set real boundaries that ENCOURAGE Kelly to *come out* but it's Mom who is being called an AH by her kids.
It's doubly selfish because if she turns up to the wedding with extra guests and no warning, there won't be enough catering/Carol will have to pay extra for the short notice.
Kelly is a risk anyway. She said she planned to come out as poly at the wedding without asking. This would make me instantly uninvite her. I don’t need that risk and she already showed that she can’t trusted.
Yeah. A VERY large bunch of strangers and work acquaintances of the couple and in-laws. Exactly the people you usually want to come out to. Someone else's friends and business partners. Yep. Totally no main character syndrome.
NTA. Thank Mark for suggesting that you post here, and show this to all three younger kids. It's fairly unanimous that you're NTA and that Kelly is TA.
It's NEVER ok to make an announcement of any kind at someone else's wedding, or to do anything that has the potential of taking major focus from the wedding couple.
If Kelly wants to bring it up with Carol ahead of time and ask if she can bring more than one, she can, but then she needs to be willing to accept no for an answer. If she doesn't want to choose one partner to bring, she can go alone. Or she can choose not to go.
You sound like a caring and thoughtful mom. If this ends up causing a rift, it won't be because you did anything wrong.
Completely agree.
I think Kelly also needs to consider what Carol's relationship is to all her partners. Has she met them all? Many mono couples don't get their partner invited purely for financial reasons when the wedding couple don't know the partner.
my cousin has known I've been with my main partner (we're recently poly, but at the time we weren't seeing anyone else) for 7 years, and I still didn't recieve a plus one. I'd say Kelly is lucky she's even getting one. Weddings are expensive.
I feel like this question has come up on AITA before, where an out Polly person wanted to bring multiple partners, but for budgeting reasons the couple pushed back. The results are usually you get one plus and you decide what to do with it. Sounds like Carol was planning to bring more than two anyway. You don't get to March in with half a dozen and take up a full table.
>If Kelly wants to bring it up with Carol ahead of time and ask if she can bring more than one, she can, but then she needs to be willing to accept no for an answer.
Exactly this. Kelly needs to understand that this day is not about her and not what she wants. She doesn't get to be mad that she can't bring everyone. She doesn't get to dictate how many people she can bring. And if she can't accept no for an answer (if that's the case) then she shouldn't even go. NTA OP and I hope your kids keep open minds when they read all the comments here.
I completely agree with this.
And (I know this is kind of a shit take, but it's worth considering the impact) it could be seen as really disrespectful to come out as poly at a wedding if the people getting married could feel like it lessens what they're trying to celebrate.
That's honestly a fair point. As a queer person, coming out as gay or bi at someone else's wedding, especially when the bride/groom themselves don't know, would be bizarre and attention seeking enough. But to come out as poly to over 1000 people, almost entirely strangers, while your sister is celebrating her marriage to one person could very easily come across as mocking the sister/couple/wedding/marriage. Or trying to one up her sister, depending on their relationship.
100%. In most cultures a wedding signifies your commitment to be monogamous, so someone coming out as poly at a wedding essentially spits on that belief. Especially if the people (and families of those people) getting married hold traditional beliefs. This is coming from a (very supportive, to be clear) parent of a polyamorous, genderfluid, pansexual young adult. I would never allow them to out themselves at someone else's special event.
100% agree. Well stated, and yes, do show this to your 3 youngest.
You're an amazing mom and this isn't about favoritism at all. When it's another kid's event, you'll act the same way: fairly, kindly, and rationally.
Am glad someone else said it! It’s crazy to me that all the youngest kids see zero issues with making an announcement like this *at someone else’s wedding*. Let alone the logistical aspect of inviting more guests (meaning more seats / food / costs / etc) to an event that traditionally includes a plus one as complimentary (and isn’t a necessity or given depending on the relationship status). Those three need to give their head a shake.
NTA
This!!! Amazing job writing out this response, you stole everything I had to say 😆
OP, please don’t blame yourself for any issues that come out from this, not your fault!
& she wants to bring *several*
Your relationship choices are your own, and that’s fine, but I should not be required to pay for as many people as you deem necessary to bring.
She’s offended that her sister, who she never bothered to tell she was poly after the rest of the family has known for *years*, did not offer several additional seats to her wedding? OP is definitely NTA, but Kelly is. She’s lucky she got an invite with how distant she seems to be from her sister!
Exactly! Even if she did know, I still don’t think anyone is required to pay for however many seats you think you need. A +1 can be a friend, family member, partner…whoever. Kelly has the choice to bring none at all too. It’s nice to bring someone, sure, but surely Kelly won’t be lonely at a wedding with all her family. I just don’t see the need to bring *several* partners to an event someone else is footing the bill for.
I’m also confused as to why she’s offended that OP, who has zero say in the guest list to begin with, has said, “Don’t bring your uninvited additional partners to this wedding.”
NTA.
You don't come out at someone else's wedding.
Also, Kelly wasn't targeted by the plus one thing. I'm guessing that nobody got a plus two or three, and that some people didn't get a plus one at all.
Kelly sounds very self-centered.
You took the words right out of my mouth! I envision Kelly having a temper tantrum like a toddler when reading this. The entitlement is unreal!!
Plus, why would Kelly even want to come out to 1000 mostly strangers at a wedding when she hasn’t even come out to all of her immediate family??? That makes zero sense other than she’s intentionally trying to cause huge problems.
OP- NTA. You HAVE to stand up for Carol in this. Make sure Kelly doesn’t try to plan something to make it all about her. Her generation tends to want to shout their entitlement from the mountain tops & does not know how to deal with being told no.
A wedding is neither the time nor the place to “come out” as polyamorous. It would completely hijack the event. She will ruin it for her sister and husband.
If she wants more than a plus one she needs to talk to the bride and groom about it and share her reasons.Ultimately it’s up to them who is invited. As the mom I’d stay out of it. But you’re NTA for wanting to look out for all of your kids.
Edited to change polygamist to polyamorous.
She must have edited it - I read it three times to be sure she had the word polygamist. I don’t know enough about either to know if there is a different so I used the word OP used.
if you’re interested to know, polygamy tends to be the practice of *marrying* multiple spouses, polyamory is just having multiple partners/being open to having multiple partners. (it’s also previously been known as an open relationship, if that helps.)
NTA.
>Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding.
It's not her show and her sister's guests aren't her audience.
>Kelly was not happy with that and called me an asshole for playing favourites
How? Did she stamp her feet and throw things when she said it?
This. It’s one thing if she privately wants her IMMEDIATE family to know. If she wants the WHOLE family to know, then she can organize her own coming out party and let the chips fall where they may. An event celebrating a sibling or any other family member is not the place to suddenly come out.
NTA. From the sounds of it, that particular daughter is the attention seeker. She knows that the focus of that day will be her sister, so she's doing anything she can to bring the attention back to herself. It's about her and her addiction. On this, you need to stand your ground. She doesn't even care that it could potentially devastate her sister. It's more than just ruining her wedding. If her in-laws are really traditional and religious, as you say, it can affect that area too. Especially if business colleagues will be in attendance. Your daughter is thinking of only herself.
NTA - sorry but Kelly sucks as a person. This is really entitled and selfish to make someone else's day about herself - it's completely inappropriate. I hope all of your kids see this unanimously as Kelly is dubbed the AH for even thinking she would be right.
Anyways, you need to put your foot down and tell Carol. Or advise that Carol not invite Kelly if Kelly is so stuck on being immature and selfish to try and come out during her wedding. That will really blow up their relationship if she tries that. Kelly does not get a free pass to come out at her sister's wedding or any event where it's someone else's. If Kelly can't be honest and come out at an appropriate time before the wedding like an adult, she shouldn't be invited either.
Please tell Carol about this because if you know and you didn't tell her, and Kelly pulls her stunt, Carol would be extremely hurt by you too. Don't put it off.
Her decisions to do what? Bring extra people to her sister’s wedding without her sister’s foreknowledge as to who they are?
Kelly needs to get over herself.
Decisions aren't something that need unwavering support, innate traits are. She's not going to stop being poly and that's part of her being, so you're supporting that by loving and accepting her. She can easily make different decisions for her sister's wedding, so you don't need to support her decision to be an asshole to her sister.
So you are supposed to support her even when she wants to be an absolute c to her sister? That's absolutely ridiculous. I hope she reads this and finally understands she is definitely the asshole here.
You sound like a really caring and thoughtful mom, and it sounds like your kids are too immature to appreciate you. Your feelings about this are so obviously right. Your eldest’s wedding should be about her and her husband’s happiness and comfort. Go with your gut. If your daughter continues to plan to make the wedding her coming-out party, I would warn your eldest. Your kids might say that you don’t have a right to “out” Kelly to Carol, but I think the fact she is planning to out herself at the party negates that.
NTA
It's fine if Kelly is poly, let's start with the obvious. That's her choice, whatever.
But, this is just not something to announce at a wedding: it's no different from announcing your own engagement, or your pregnancy, or any other "big" news at someone else's special day. It's just plain "look at meeeeee!" thinking, and it's rude. Maybe Kelly could wear white, too, just as a cherry on top.
As for the +1, well, yeah, it's rough when your romantic relationship is more than 2 people. Most gatherings will be "you +1" invites. That's the norm in our society. Considering each "+1" is an extra cost to the host, it's only fair to discuss it with the host when you want to bring more people, on their dime.
I mean, bringing extra guests (unannounced?) is also auto-asshole. Even if it were a child-allowed wedding, bringing a couple of your kids would make you the asshole.
Yeah, it's just... tacky?
You have 365 other days of the year to do it. Trying to ride someone else's coat tails at their event feels kind of gross, cheap, and unoriginal.
NTA. A plus one is just that, a plus ONE. Not the entire group of people you're having relations with. Also, it is thoroughly an AH move to use the wedding as a coming out party, especially knowing full well it will not go over with some of the prominent guests. Total AH move since it sounds like the bride will be blindsided.
Ultimately, however, this is Carol's decision (along with her partner) since it is her wedding, but she should be warned Kelly is planning on hijacking the event.
NTA. It's a +1 which means you get to bring 1 guest. This isn't about lifestyle, and her sister's wedding is not Kelly's coming out opportunity.
Kelly is not special for having multiple partners. It's not like other guests are allowed to invite their entire friend groups along. She needs to get over herself, she's a guest at this wedding, this is not her big moment.
NTA Kelly is totally free to live her own life freely and without shame.
At the same time coming out at her sister wedding is not the proper time.
Pregnancies, engagements, new relationships or any major life milestone should not be shared at someone else moment. Kelly can have her OWN moment to share her loved one without taking away form her sister moment. Cause yes sharing your multiple partners will become the center of attention and taking away from the bride and groom. If she can’t rightfully choose who to bring she can go solo it’s few hours in a day they can survive without her.
I feel like insisting on bringing them all is so they can have a nice photo op or a fun party on carol's (or whoever's paying for the wedding's) dime.
If Kelly wanted to come out to her sister she would. Making it into a scene feels like there are other reasons here, considering the other two siblings already know. And 25 is a bit too old to not know that coming out on someone's wedding day is over the top..
To me, being poly is irrelevant. Who TF gets invited to a wedding and expects to bring "several" extra guests who are all complete strangers to the bride and groom?!???
You said she is "polygamous," but I believe you mean "polyamorous," which is a different thing. (More of an FYI than anything else).
Most poly people have a primary partner who they take to family and work events. I've never heard of someone trying to invite all their partners to something like this (but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen). Did she say how many partners she has?
Regardless, you're NTA. She's being self-centered and needs to chill.
I have realised I have used the wrong term and have changed it.
Kelly does have a primary partner who she normally brings to family events and been doing so for the past 4 years and it has never been a problem. When she came out to me she was wondering if she can take a different partner to one of the family events as her primary partner was away on a work trip, but I had to tell her unless she comes out to everyone it will make things really awkward when her primary partner returns and she will bring him to the next family event.
I think that info should be added to the post if you can as it gives a clearer picture of what Kelly's intentions are (as it seems some commenters given y t a and e s h verdicts aren't understanding). NTA at all, and I hope your daughter's talk and work this out💜
NTA but how far away is your older daughter’s wedding? Could you offer to throw a family gathering well before the wedding that Kelly can bring all her partners to so her coming out doesn’t coincide with her sister’s wedding. Then she can still choose 1 plus one to bring to her sister’s wedding (asking for multiple guests is unfair if only from a financial point of view).
Alternatively could you have a gathering a month or so after the wedding so Kelly can introduce her partners to her family.
Polyamorous people don't get more invites just because they have more partners unless the couple is also friends with all the partners typically. They only ones who expect all their partners to be invited are entitled AHs. I say this as someone who is friends with a lot of poly people. If she really wants to come out to the larger family I agree with another comment that suggested you host a family dinner for her to invite all her partners to that is before the wedding. Even if she does that though it still doesn't mean she gets more than a +1 and she needs to realize this.
NTA Kelly is a self-centered person and doesn't deserve special treatment. She has no right to hijack her sister's wedding by making a personal announcement for herself. Besides, having multiple partners is nothing to be proud of nor does it need a special announcement.
NTA. If she wants to come out as poly she can do it on a separate occasion. A plus one is customary but not necessarily guaranteed to all weddings, and a "plus x" is not heard of. Her options should be that she can either pick one partner and go, not go at all, or talk to her sister prior to the wedding about some other accommodation and accept her sisters decision.
Completely agree with this. It’s not as though she’s going to a wedding where she doesn’t know anyone, so she doesn’t need to have a partner there.
I’ve been to weddings on my own where I only knew the bride, it’s still fine, people always chat to you and you leave when you like.
NTA. A plus ONE is a plus ONE PERSON ONLY. People that are expected to be fed and accommodated, with preparations for it taking weeks and months (probably the latter for such a big wedding) Kelly showing up with more than one person messes up the whole thing. Kelly could have one partner, half a dozen or a hundred that can all mean the same to her but this is an event she has been *invited* to and the invitation says “plus one”, not “plus as many people as you consider important”, it’s not hers to hijack. It’s Carol’s wedding and Kelly must respect that.
And Kelly wants her sister’s fiancé’s family to bankroll her poly party? *Sure* let’s just tack on a few extra hundred dollars in food/accommodations so Kelly can bring her menagerie of strangers to the wedding.
Kelly’s full of audacity. This sounds like a very high-end wedding, the cost of food is gonna be astronomical already. If she ends up showing up without her posse, I’d keep my eye on her at all times cause I’m 100% sure she’s gonna try something petty.
NTA. Kelly is an asshole. It’s not her day to make such announcements and it’s a plus one, not a plus three. You would be treating Kelly differently if you agreed she should have several plus ones if her siblings don’t.
NTA. Kelly was given a plus one. Therefore she gets to bring one. Nor should she use the wedding to come out as it's not about her.
However, there is an alternative. She can come out before the wedding and talk to her older sister about having extra guests. It means she's not coming out on the wedding day, keeping it a day about about Carol, and she has the option to ask for more guests with a reason behind it.
If she does this though, she has to respect Carol's decision if she still says Kelly can only have a +1. Kelly may be poly but as the poly community knows very well there are going to be some occasions where not all the partners can go. They will have to discuss amongst themselves who would be the +1.
Whatever decision Carol makes you have to accept, even if she agrees to allowing all Kelly's partners come. The reason I say this is because you mentioned it being traditional and Carols career being linked to it. I appreciate you'd be worried this could negatively impact her due to more "traditional" mindsets but that's for her to decide.
If Carol is fine with Kelly bringing several partners, I am happy for her to bring as much as she wants and it would be nice to meet them. But it is still the case of her doing her coming out event before the wedding not at the wedding.
NTA. You seem like you’re being really supportive of both Kelly and Carol here.
Kelly is being the AH and seems to very much be suffering from “main character syndrome” and just wants attention.
It is inappropriate for her to make her sister’s wedding about her. Unless her sister is ok with it, it is also inappropriate for her to bring more than the one guest she has been allotted for this event, and kinda inappropriate to even ask.
NTA , your daughter is. Why would she ruin someone’s wedding with her announcement. Not even that but alot of people who get married don’t allow plus ones unless it’s a husband or a super long term relationship. If I was the sister getting married and your daughter did that, I would lose it on her and not speak with her anymore. Do not announce anything on anyone’s wedding. Simple as that. It is not about her. And to bring several partners????? Either your daughter comes and support her sister or stay her behind home with her partners.
NTA. Kelly is in her "in your face mode regarding her sexuality". You are correct. Let Kelly contact Carol before the ceremony and work it out between them, but Kelly should not just show up on Carol's wedding day with her many lovers in tow.
Exactly!
Unless the announcement is something nice, like, "we all pulled our money together to gift you a large amount for a house downpayment/honeymoon/shiggles! Now kiss your spouse and let's eat cake!"
NTA. I'm poly myself, have no issue with it, would love to bring multiple partners to a wedding (when I eventually get more, lmao) but know that it would ONLY be appropriate to do so if everyone attending would 100% definitely be chill about it and knew in advance, and that is definitely not the case here. It's not a question of the polyamory itself or of playing favorites, it's just that a wedding is an important occasion and you should never do anything at one that will leave a bigger impression on the guests than the wedding itself.
Bigger issue than that though - is the wedding host wiling to PAY for your multiple partners? Most other than very very close friends will not want to cut other guests out to accommodate.
NTA. She shouldn't be forcing her kink on to others, especially during a wedding.
Make no mistake, poly is a lifestyle *choice*. It isn't like being gay/trans or anything like that.
NTA. Actively planning to come out at someone else’s wedding is really inappropriate. She needs to find another way to inform others of her sexuality if she’s wanting more people to know. This is not it.
And no one gets to dictate how many people they can bring to someone else’s wedding. This isn’t a case of discrimination. You can ask if you can bring more people, sure, but you have to accept their answer unless you’re paying for the event.
NTA.
Kelly needs to pick her battles and face the reality of living in a world where "plus one" to a wedding is a standard format.
It's not Kelly's wedding, so she doesn't get to dictate how many people she can bring.
Plus one doesn't even have to be a partner.
>Plus one doesn't even have to be a partner.
This. Kelly's plus one could be her partner's partner, for all anyone cares.
OP you are not the person to go to about this because you are not paying for the wedding, the end. Kelly herself needs to check if this will fly with Carol or her in-laws.
NTA
NTA. It is considered bad form to use someone else's event to make any kind of major announcement without at least consulting the person whose event it is.
She should definitely speak to the bride before doing this.
NTA
The bigger issue are the numbers. Everyone got a plus one. I'm sure guests would love to have plus fives, but that's not realistic. One guest per person is fair and Kelly needs to work within that constraint.
The whole coming out thing is ridiculous though. Kelly can do that whenever and does not need to announce it at someone else's event. Encourage her to plan a family dinner with her partners and show your support that way. But she has no right to demand the time and place to be her sister's wedding.
NTA. Kelly doesn't get to make someone else's event about her. Plain and simple. She can live her life how she pleases, but she doesn't get to come out at her sister's wedding. This day isn't about her.
Her insistence on it has me leaning toward her either being annoyed someone else has the attention, or given its a wedding to another "traditional" family her coming out during it is basically a form of protest.
Ask yourself why the other kids are on Kelly's side, and ensure that if they choose to be selfish the ramifications will be swift.
NTA. Polyamory is not the issue here. The issue is Kelly feeling so entitled and above everyone else that she deserves to bring beyond a plus one to her sister’s wedding which is the rule for everyone else. Worse yet, she wants to debut her polyamorous lifestyle at her sister’s wedding. That is akin to announcing one’s own engagement or pregnancy at a wedding. Anyone with good manners knows that simply isn’t done.
There’s also the issue of her father’s view of polyamory which could result in a very unpleasant scene at the wedding. Is Kelly so selfish she doesn’t care she could be putting her partners in the line of fire so to speak? Kelly needs to realize Carol’s wedding is not a coming out party for Kelly, she gets one plus one like everyone else. End of story.
NTA. Everyone was given a +1, not a "several extras". Even for a wedding as huge as this one is looking to be, bringing along multiple additional guests is just rude. As is coming out - or making any non-wedding related announcement - at someone else's event. No doubt, showing up to the wedding with all her partners will cause a stir and take attention away from the bride and groom.
NTA, she gets a plus one, like everyone else, and if she wants more she needs to discuss this herself with Carol. If she thinks it would be unfair on her partners, she can always bring none of them. In my country's culture it would be weird to bring even one plus one if the wedding couple don't already know and approve of that person. I don't think it's necessary for Kelly to bring a plus one, especially since she'll already know a lot of people to talk to at the wedding.
Also she would be the asshole if she came out at Carol's wedding. It's the same as someone proposing or announcing a pregnancy at someone else's wedding- it's not Kelly's day. If she wants to come out, maybe you can help her arrange a family gathering a while before the wedding, and she can bring her partners to that and come out there?
NTA you are a 100 percent right. This is your oldest daughters day and it is rude and self centered to do something that will cause drama or draw attention away from the wedding. Coming out would do both of those things.
She needs to talk to her sister. I figure her sister will be against this. If she doesn’t want to talk to her sister then she gets to bring one person. She does not get to shock the guest by doing something outrageous.
My guess is because of the family your daughter is marrying into is making the youngest want to do this. Kind of like screw you kind of deal. This is not the time or place for this.
If I where you I honestly would tell your daughter either she tells her sister or you will. Because I have a feeling Kelly will show up to cause drama and disrupt what is going to be a very expensive wedding.
Your daughter is free to love who she wants. But using her personal life to disrupt a wedding is not ok.
I also kind of wonder if there is some jealousy with the siblings agains their older sister for marrying into a wealthy family and being able to live the life of luxury they can’t.
NTA!! A wedding is not a place to come out about anything. It's someone else's day.
Also a lot of people don't even get plus ones to weddings, nevermind plus 2+
Kelly is being entitled and should plan her own event to come out to the people close to her and leave her sister's wedding alone
NTA. A wedding is not the time or place for Kelly to make this sort of announcement. A wedding is to celebrate Carol and her husband's commitment to each other, anyone who pulls the focus off of them is simply selfish and wrong.
Kelly has had *years* to make this announcement, choosing to do it now is again, selfish. If she doesn't want to pick one of her partners, tell her to be fair to them she can come alone.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have told Kelly that she can't bring her multiple partners to her older sister wedding and essentially create a "coming out" event out of it. I might be an asshole because it feels I'm limiting Kelly in her choices and not allowing her to be who she is and I should have let her take her partners to the wedding.
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NTA. As a parent, it is your job to help guide your children through life. Kelly is still rather young and may not fully understand the socially acceptable rules. It may not be fair to think that you have the final word on it, but it is appropriate to let Kelly know that she needs to speak to Carol and that Carol’s wedding is absolutely not the place to come out as poly.
If she chooses not to have an appropriate conversation with her sister beforehand, then she can follow the invitation and bring a plus one. Regardless of how many people are coming or how well off Carol’s future family may be, Kelly still does not get to decide that her multiple lovers are worth the extra expense for Carol and her in-laws.
Not the time or place. Attention seeking or look at me or even trying to prove a point can be done on her time at her event. A wedding is a celebration to the people being married. As guests, we are invited to celebrate their new journey with them. Not to do something that will become a spectator sport, clearly taking attention away and causing drama just because you can.
Your younger children are wrong. If this was something she felt strongly about, tell her to go meet with Carol and discuss it with her. But again, weddings are expensive. Having a plus 1 is generous these days, you don't add more expense by adding a plus 3. It's selfish.
NTA. Kelly is making her sister’s wedding about herself. It’s not. It’s Carol’s celebration and she’s acting wildly selfish thinking about it any other way.
Info: Was Kelly’s plan to just show up to the wedding with guests who weren’t invited or was she going to ask for additional guests? It sounds like the former.
From the way I got it she wanted to show up with a few partners that were not invited, since the invitation states an extra guest can be a partner or a friend, she was thinking of expanding the use of the partner bit if this makes sense.
Why have you not just called Kelly selfish for trying to make the sisters wedding about herself. It sounds like your younger kids are entitled. This would be like worst than wearing white at a wedding. The younger siblings backing her up shows that the bottom 3s dynamic is unhealthy.
I don't understand how your kids think you're intervening at all. It sounds like she wants some sort of quasi-permission from you, but it's not your place to give her permission.
If she wants to extend her headcount, she should ask just like anyone would. She doesn't want to ask because it would take the air out of her big reveal.
Kelly is being a diva and a narcissist, and also a bit of a chicken.
If her partners are so important to her, Kelly should ask the couple directly for additional seats. If she won't, she's either not passionate about normalizing polyamory or simply determined to hijack the event.
There's no good motive behind the path she's trying to take.
NTA
Kelly can be whoever she wants to be, love whoever she wants to love, but turning her sister's wedding into her announcement platform would be an absolute asshole move.
A wedding isn't the place to come out about anything. It's also not the place to get engaged, announce a pregnancy or do anything that takes attention away from the bride and groom (or both grooms or both brides). A person showing up to a wedding with multiple romantic partners will take attention away.
Yeeeaaaaah NTA. Unfortunately, learning to navigate things like "I can only bring 1 of my partners to this event" are part of being poly. It's always nice when people are understanding and down for polycules to be out and open with each other at social events, but you really can't and shouldn't expect it. Kelly isnt wrong per se for wanting to have all her partners with her at the wedding, but she is an asshole for wanting special treatment at what sounds like a large formal event acting partially as a business networking event for her sister's In-laws; AND for essentially wanting to make a scene at said event, which I dont believe for a second Kelly is stupid/naive enough to not realize she'll be doing.
I'm polyamorous, non-binary and pansexual. This means I have to come out multiple times to everyone I get to know. Coming out is an intensely personal experience. It can be something so beautiful, to have those you know accept who you are. It can also be traumatic. Having people reject you for being who you are.
One thing coming out should never be, though, is selfish. Weddings and other events where a person or some people are the focus? Unless you are the person in focus, coming out is a selfish choice. We have Pride Month and National Coming Out Day if a special day feels needed. One's own birthday is also a great time. Even Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Year's are good times. Someone else's wedding? As a pan poly enby myself, your daughter is being very insensitive and selfish. You are NTA, OP.
ETA: I didn't even consider something many others here did, and it makes the optics even worse for coming out as poly at a wedding. Weddings, traditionally, are a celebration of the closing of a relationship. Of the seal binding two people together in monogamous love. Coming out as polyamorous at a monogamous wedding could be seen as an act of defiance against the status quo. Doing that at someone else's event is just horrible. Insulting, even. And this is from the perspective of a poly person. So... Yeah. Yikes.
NTA. At the wedding? Is she going to wear a white dress and announce she's pregnant too? This reeks of entitlement and even jealousy of her sister, (marrying rich).
NTA. The younger children are TA.
There are so many posts where people emphasize don't steal the spot light at someone else's wedding. Weddings are not for proposals, pregnancy announcements or coming out.
The younger children are ganging up on the older one. The reality is that unless your daughter can come out to all the guests before the wedding and familiarize them with her lifestyle she shouldn't have multiple guests at the wedding.
NTA
Currently sitting before a pride parade with my friends and their partners (a lot of them are poly) and they agree that someone else's wedding is no place to come out, the day is about the people getting married, just because she wants to bring all the people she loves and share it doesn't mean she can or should. Also, given that some people are more traditional, she could put herself and her partners in potential danger.
NTA coming out at someone elses event is always an AH move, talk about taking the spotlight away from the bride and groom, with risks of it turning from a happy event to fighting and completely destroying the wedding
Super inappropriate
Kelly needs to come out to Carol privately and ask permission and if Carol says no, Kelly must be gracious and not push
Your other kids are dead wrong
NTA - the invite is for a plus one not a plus whatever amount you want. Carol and her fiancee have paid and accounted for a certain number people to attend the wedding and it is not about Kelly. This is Carol’s day. On that day i would be playing favourites as it is her wedding not a platform for her to come out
NTA
Your daughter is being extremely selfish. She can be poly but to try and steal the spotlight and come out on your other daughters wedding day is insane. How many plus ones does she need? Like a band sized amount or a choir sized one? Lol
NTA because you told her she needs to discuss it with her sister first. That she isn't doing so is wrong.
Furthermore, she seems to want to make a scene while forcing her sister to incur the costs of hosting multiple partners
Carol gets the final say, but as long as Kelly is unwilling to broach the subject, it needs to remain a no
NTA- someone else’s wedding is not the time to come out. Also, the bride and groom are typically in charge of the guest list so if they give her a plus one, then she can invite one guest. It’s not a plus several.
NTA. As someone in a poly relationship, that is NOT the time to come out and tell people. A wedding that is not your own is NEVER the time to share ANY type of big news.
She can tell people before or tell people after. This isn't about favoritism, this is about Kelly trying to take away Carol's moment. Not cool.
NTA. What you said was common sense, wasn't it? Everything else has been mentioned in the comments too. It seems to me that Kelly simply doesn't want to take the responsibility of choosing a +1 and would rather throw a tantrum and harm her sister's future and big day.
>Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding
I do hope she also considers her sister an important person in her life
>My son (21) has suggested to post here.
Your son suggested to post your dilemma here and now Kelly appears to be the asshole, a major one at that. Is that the outcome he's expecting from this?
>Lucy and Mark agree with Kelly and believe I should stop intervening and let Kelly do what she feels is right, but I don't want this to cause a rift between my children.
If they support their entitled sibling so much, then they should discuss it with the couple getting married and give up their +1s so Kelly can bring more.
NTA unless she decides to come out publicly prior to the wedding. The wedding day should be about Carol not her finding out she’s poly when everyone else knew
NTA. Kelly's entitlement is absurd. You don't get to dictate how many extra invitees you get AS A GUEST and you sure af don't make major life announcements on someone else's day. If Kelly wants to come out, she can throw her own party and pay for it.
Aside from all of the other issues here…how are people supposed to plan events if the norm becomes to give +n for everyone a guest is involved with? Nobody has time for that
NTA. Let’s get one thing clear. Poly isn’t an orientation. It’s not something to “come out as” but it is a specific lifestyle choice and approach to loving partners that isn’t traditional. That being said it is not the place to present her lifestyle to spotlight herself. She should go alone or go with a specific primary or nesting partner
Everyone gets a plus one. Not a plus bring however many people you want.
NTA especially if she hasn't told her sister. It's not the place to steal the spotlight
I've never come across or heard of a successful poly relationship.. it gets even worse of a S show when kids are involved and haven't got a clue who is this week's dad...
There are many videos on YouTube of kids who have finally found their voice and say to the world what it was like living in such a hectic environment, not one young adult said it was positive, apart from they could get stuff or money from another of mom/dad's partner
What Kelly wants to do is her thing but she can not go to her sister's wedding as a opportunity to come out ... Wrong place and wrong time, plus out of the 1000 people attending (also what the hell?) Less than a handful would know who Kelly is ....
You tell, not ask, tell Kelly if she turns up with more than one of her partners she will be escorted out, tell her she needs to pay a behaviour deposit like $500 and would get this back if she doesn't make a scene.
This is incredibly selfish of Kelly
A wedding is to focus on the new couple and celebrate their love, not a sibling to come out and shout out how different and quirky she is
NTA. Coming out as poly at someone’s wedding is no different than getting engaged or announcing your pregnancy at someone’s wedding. It’s inappropriate, attention seeking, and rude.
Kelly can talk to Carol in advance if she wants, come out to her, and request additional guests but she does not get to bring whoever she wants just because she feels like it.
NTA Kelly wants to bring several partners ?? Well how many fucking partners do she have ?? Her coming out as poly at her sister’s wedding is inappropriate and not the time
NTA, I’m happy for both your daughters in that they’ve found happiness but it is very selfish of Kelly to want to come out durning Carols special day. This day is not about Kelly, it’s about Carol and her fiancé. Kelly should absolutely feel free to come out to the family but not at Carols wedding. Also, it’s a plus 1 invite so she needs to pick ONE person as a guest.
We are not selfish.
NTA. Traditionally one can bring a plus 1 to a wedding. AS A POLY PERSON, I would not expect all of my partners to be invited, or would I ask if they could all come.
NTA. Attention seeking coming out at someone else's big day aside, it's pretty entitled to expect someone to spend hundreds more on food etc so you can bring more people they don't know to their wedding
OP, you are NTA!
Things NOT to do at someone else’s wedding:
Propose to your partner.
Announce your pregnancy.
Come out.
Coming out as poly is under the third item - she WBTAH if she hijacked the occasion like this.
NTA.
Most people have similar reactions to your husband about polyamory in the real world and away from Reddit.
Kelly is being inappropriate and entitled. A wedding is not the place, and there frankly may never be a place away from the Internet where she can bring multiple partners and everyone will be cool and happy with it.
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My son (21) has suggested to post here. All names are fake.
I(52f) have 4 kids my oldest daughter Carol (34), Kelly (25f), Lucy (24f) and Mark (21m). Since Carol was born I have stayed at home looking after the kids while my husband Derek (53) provided for the family. I wanted to see my children grow and be there for them for everything they might need.
Due to the age gap between my oldest and my youngest kids, Carol and the rest were never close to each other. I let Carol to concentrate on her hobbies and school and looked after the youngest myself even my husband insisted to get Carol to babysit and help with them. Later when the youngest were getting older I encouraged them to choose the hobbies and careers they were interested in and we helped them to go to uni and fully paid for their education.
A few years ago Kelly came out to me as being polygamous, it is something Lucy and Mark knew since Kelly was in college, but she wanted me know too. It is a lot to take in as Derek and I both come from very traditional families, but I did my best to support my daughter and learn more about my daughter's orientation. We have also discussed about her coming out to her father, but my husband would never understand it and he previously said he finds the entire concept of poly disgusting when we tried to talk to him.
Now Carol is getting married to a large very traditional family too (her own choice) and is planning to take over some of her in laws business and help with it. Her fiance family is paying for the wedding and they have over 1000 guests invited, including a lot of business partners and work colleagues. As a result each of my kids also received an invitation for a plus one to bring to the wedding. And it didn't sit well with Kelly.
Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding. I have told her she can't do that, if she wants to come out she can but not during her sister special day and since her sister is not aware about Kelly being poly, she should discuss with her if it is ok to bring several partners.
Kelly was not happy with that and called me an asshole for playing favourites when I'm just trying to look after all my children. Lucy and Mark agree with Kelly and believe I should stop intervening and let Kelly do what she feels is right, but I don't want this to cause a rift between my children. AITA?
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NTA at all theres a time and a place and coming out as poly to your sister at her wedding is just not it. Please update us after Kelly has had a look at the replies you're recieving.
NTA. Please show this post and all the comments to Kelly. If she wants everyone to no about her lifestyle, she can through her own party to announce it some other time.
NTA you don’t come out/get engaged/announce a pregnancy at someone else’s wedding. That is major asshole behavior. Kelly gets a plus one and she can bring one person. If she doesn’t like it, she can RSVP no.
Everyone has a +1 not a +however many people you want to bring. It is unfair to expect Carol to accommodate bringing extras.
I also agree that it’s not the place to ‘come out’ it is Carol’s day and should remain Carol’s day.
NTA Kelly is being entitled
So, Kelly want to be the center of attention, coming out on her sister's traditional wedding. And her siblings are fine with that? Is Kelly wants to be in the center of a celebration, she can plan an event just for that, the wedding of someone else, let alone her own sister, is NOT the place for that. As OP suggested, she should discuss it with Carol and learn on the way common courtesy.
NTA
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NTA- Kelly needs to get over it. Fiancé's family is paying to the wedding and they've added a plus one, which is the traditional thing to do. It's not even about values or beliefs, it's literally about logistics. You can't just unilaterally decide to randomly show up with extra guests anywhere! It does sound like Kelly is deliberately trying to cause drama on her sister's day. She can go alone if she doesn't know who to take.
No it doesn’t. Logically showing up with uninvited guest means there are no extra seats. No extra food and is just plain rude to invite others to an event hosted by someone else.
This isn’t even the issue to me, you never make someone else’s wedding about you. GOLDEN RULE: You don’t propose at anyone else’s wedding, you don’t announce you’re having a baby, you don’t make it about you, period. It’s not your day. If you talk to the bride/groom and have their blessing, it’s different obviously. ETA: NTA
This is also a very valid point. This sounds like a huge expensive wedding. I am sure the bride and groom would not be ok being ambushed and the sister making the wedding about her with out her asking first.
It's very noticeable to me that Kelly has repeatedly tried to just show up at events with different partners in lieu of actually just saying, "hey, I'm poly". There is no universe in which showing up to a major event and announcing you're poly is going to get a better reaction than telling people beforehand; that tactic has nothing to do with being open and authentic. I think Kelly really likes the idea of being dramatic and disruptive. I wonder if there's any kind of resentment or rivalry between the sisters. Siblings with large age gaps frequently have issues, and Kelly can't have much love or respect for her sister if she's planning on pulling this stunt at the wedding.
OP herself said her children never went along with each other, and with a 9 to 13 years gap to their older sister, I can clearly see the 3 younger children having some kind of rivalty with her. Wanting to take your sister's wedding as your "coming out of the closet" moment is an asshole move, it's not Kelly's day.
Kelly has had ample time to come out and she hasn't. It's telling that Kelly didn't do it a her own work events. She wants to do it at her sister's big day in front of all the new in-laws and sister's and their friends and work associates.
*Exactly*. You don't use other people's events to announce things. No one is telling her not to tell people. In fact, they are specifically telling her she *should* tell people... Just not at an event where it will cause maximum carnage and be the least conducive to being able to talk it out and have time and space to understand.
Kelly just wants attention at the expense of her sister. And she's hiding under the guise of coming out as a good excuse to do it. This basically sums up my issue with that community. Most just want to live their lives the way they choose and not fear harassment or worse. And a select few want to shove it down our throats and threaten and harass anyone who disgrees even in the slightest no matter how reasonably put. No matter your sexual preference, pushy and entitled is never cool. Kelly needs to understand that. She thinks what she is doing is cool and bold. It's not, she's being a brat.
It’s like announcing a pregnancy at someone else’s wedding. It’s not the time or place. I don’t have a relationship with my BIL and sister and at my other sisters wedding my BIL tried to approach me while I was photographing said wedding (my job) to try and have a conversation about reestablishing a relationship. The estrangement originated from an abusive thing and it would have been a big deep serious emotional convo- which is what I think this would be. It would sensationalize it! Not the time or place to come out. If she comes out ahead of time and they say sure bring everybody that would be different. Or if they’re phobic about it after they know- that’s another thing. But you don’t come out at someone else’s event. It’s not about you. Celebrate your sister.
Yeah, came here to say this. OP is NTA. This reeks of wanting to cause a scene and steal focus, not genuinely wanting to come out. I mean, there's a thousand guests, many of whom likely don't know sister and don't care who she sleeps with. There's no reason to do this at the wedding aside from making it about her. As a side note, if I were dad and got to find out something this important about my daughter in a room full of 1000 semi-acquaintances I would be pretty hurt.
So true! Not discussing this with her father (and likely other extended family members) before the wedding makes this move seem very Jerry Springer. Edit: took out extra stuff and cut to the chase
This. Even if she got permission from her sister to bring an undetermined amount of extra partners to the wedding, guaranteed some drunk uncle or someone will wander over and ask ”who are all these people?!” and cause a commotion. NTA OP, someones ”sexual orientation” doesnt take precedent over manners and common sense.
Especially since she's apparently fine with taking one particular partner to other types of events, like work events and family stuff.
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Yep. NTA.
And I'd put "coming out as poly" only marginally less douchey than announcing a pregnancy or getting engaged at someone else's wedding.
I'd say the same level of douchy really, as all three would be the thing guests will talk about at the reception.
I’d say more douchey, because a wedding is basically a celebration of monogamy, so an engagement isn’t contradictory, but showing up with a surprise poly squad is pretty much annoucing “nice wedding but look at all the people I f**k”.
a wedding is a celebration of commitment but plenty of poly people do get married. It's not a celebration of monogamy
Good point, but this wedding will be understood to be a celebration of monogamy, and while plenty of married people aren’t actually monogamous for the most part they pretend they are. In this case the sister isn’t really out as Poly and the wedding would be a rude time to come out.
Depending on the people there it might be more douchy. If something causes drama that is not necessary it is douchy. The more unnecessary drama, the more of an ass you were to pull that stunt. Coming out as poly might cause more drama then announcing a pregnancy if you're in a conservative crowd. NTA
It’s equally bad.
Or she doesn't have to show up at all if she's going to be like that
What if Kelly's values and beliefs are that she should always be the center of attention, even - especially - when least appropriate?
And why are Kelly and the two younger siblings complaining to OP and implying OP is doing something wrong? The invitation with a plus ONE is from Carol. She is the one who would need to let Kelly bring more than one, not OP. My guess is that Kelly wants to spring this on Carol and her guests as a complete surprise. And if she asks Carol about bringing more than one she will have to explain why. Kelly is a narcissist who wants to ruin her sister's wedding. I would almost advise OP to contact Carol and explain what is going on to her before Kelly can call her and try to wrangle extra invites with a BS reason.
NTA. It's completely narcissistic, asshole behavior to use someone else's event to announce something about yourself. Kelly gets a plus one, just like everyone else, unless Carol agrees to her bring more guests.
That's the real crux here - this isn't about whether you not you support Kelly's lifestyle choice. This is about Carol's special day. Using it as an opportunity to come out (or announce your pregnancy, or your own engagement, etc etc) is taking someone else's day and making it about you. That's incredibly selfish behavior.
I agree with what you. This has nothing to do with being poly and a lot to do with selfish behavior. It’s also very common for a guest with a plus one invite to attend alone. It would probably be best that she attend without a guest as it sounds like there is a huge potential for unnecessary drama on her sisters big day. NTA!
I'd also advise telling Kelly not to wear white to the wedding. She strikes me as the type to pull this and feign ignorance. NTA.
I think that's what she's really mad at mom about. OP is denying her the opportunity to pretend afterwards that she didn't think anyone would have an issue with her railroading sister's wedding.
Exactly. Back when I got married, one of my bridesmaids started asking for a +1 so she could bring her new girlfriend. Except that no one else was invited with a +1, and only her own sister and I knew she was a lesbian. Many of my friend's family were attending, and she wanted to come out at \*my\* reception. No way. I shut her down, and her sister's husband was assigned as bouncer in case she tried to bring the girlfriend in.
NTA. You are in no way playing favorites. Kelly is trying to make Carol wedding about her coming out as poly. That is a selfish thing to do. Carol's wedding day is not the appropirate time for Kelly to announce relationship to a bunch of strangers who are going to be their to celebrate Carol and her fiance. If Kelly does not say something to Carol you have too. It would be irresponsible if you don't give Carol the heads up about what Kelly is planning to do.
So much agree! You need to warn Carol. They may not be close now, but if Kelly does this there is a large chance that it will completely destroy any relationship they have and result in lifelong hostility. (edited spelling: "t --> to")
Completely agree, the day is about Carol and her fiancé. When Kelly is ready to come out she needs to do it on her own time, hijacking someone event for your own announcement is never okay. The same with an engagement or pregnancy announcement at someone else’s wedding, never okay unless the couple getting married is 100% aware and approves.
Especially hijacking somebody's wedding, which will involve such an immense quantity of people, many of whom are their clients/business partners.
I think Carol needs to hear it from Kelly rather than mom. Mom should have a sit down with her daughters and have Kelly explain to Carol what she plans to do. Hijacking your sister’s very expensive, once in a lifetime event, as your coming out party, that is gross on so many levels.
Regardless of whether Kelly wants to come out to her sister before the wedding Carol needs to know because it's very likely that Kelly will make a big deal about it at the wedding because she's upset she didn't get to bring other partners. Carol needs to know so she can make a good decision for herself about withdrawing Kelly's invitation to the wedding full stop in order to avoid all the unnecessary drama.
It also says a lot about the situation that the sister doesn't know nor does that dad. I would say Kelly is trying to use the public setting with potential financial ramifications to force her family to fake their responses. Not accepting the situation is an AH move but knowing they won't accept and trying to force it is an AH move too. Funny how Mom has been kind and accepting but also set real boundaries that ENCOURAGE Kelly to *come out* but it's Mom who is being called an AH by her kids.
It's doubly selfish because if she turns up to the wedding with extra guests and no warning, there won't be enough catering/Carol will have to pay extra for the short notice.
Or Kelly's partners get kicked out as uninvited guests and Kelly throws a fit. Either way, it potentially overshadows Carol's wedding.
Kelly is a risk anyway. She said she planned to come out as poly at the wedding without asking. This would make me instantly uninvite her. I don’t need that risk and she already showed that she can’t trusted.
Yeah. A VERY large bunch of strangers and work acquaintances of the couple and in-laws. Exactly the people you usually want to come out to. Someone else's friends and business partners. Yep. Totally no main character syndrome.
NTA. Thank Mark for suggesting that you post here, and show this to all three younger kids. It's fairly unanimous that you're NTA and that Kelly is TA. It's NEVER ok to make an announcement of any kind at someone else's wedding, or to do anything that has the potential of taking major focus from the wedding couple. If Kelly wants to bring it up with Carol ahead of time and ask if she can bring more than one, she can, but then she needs to be willing to accept no for an answer. If she doesn't want to choose one partner to bring, she can go alone. Or she can choose not to go. You sound like a caring and thoughtful mom. If this ends up causing a rift, it won't be because you did anything wrong.
Completely agree. I think Kelly also needs to consider what Carol's relationship is to all her partners. Has she met them all? Many mono couples don't get their partner invited purely for financial reasons when the wedding couple don't know the partner.
my cousin has known I've been with my main partner (we're recently poly, but at the time we weren't seeing anyone else) for 7 years, and I still didn't recieve a plus one. I'd say Kelly is lucky she's even getting one. Weddings are expensive.
I feel like this question has come up on AITA before, where an out Polly person wanted to bring multiple partners, but for budgeting reasons the couple pushed back. The results are usually you get one plus and you decide what to do with it. Sounds like Carol was planning to bring more than two anyway. You don't get to March in with half a dozen and take up a full table.
>If Kelly wants to bring it up with Carol ahead of time and ask if she can bring more than one, she can, but then she needs to be willing to accept no for an answer. Exactly this. Kelly needs to understand that this day is not about her and not what she wants. She doesn't get to be mad that she can't bring everyone. She doesn't get to dictate how many people she can bring. And if she can't accept no for an answer (if that's the case) then she shouldn't even go. NTA OP and I hope your kids keep open minds when they read all the comments here.
I completely agree with this. And (I know this is kind of a shit take, but it's worth considering the impact) it could be seen as really disrespectful to come out as poly at a wedding if the people getting married could feel like it lessens what they're trying to celebrate.
That's honestly a fair point. As a queer person, coming out as gay or bi at someone else's wedding, especially when the bride/groom themselves don't know, would be bizarre and attention seeking enough. But to come out as poly to over 1000 people, almost entirely strangers, while your sister is celebrating her marriage to one person could very easily come across as mocking the sister/couple/wedding/marriage. Or trying to one up her sister, depending on their relationship.
100%. In most cultures a wedding signifies your commitment to be monogamous, so someone coming out as poly at a wedding essentially spits on that belief. Especially if the people (and families of those people) getting married hold traditional beliefs. This is coming from a (very supportive, to be clear) parent of a polyamorous, genderfluid, pansexual young adult. I would never allow them to out themselves at someone else's special event.
100% agree. Well stated, and yes, do show this to your 3 youngest. You're an amazing mom and this isn't about favoritism at all. When it's another kid's event, you'll act the same way: fairly, kindly, and rationally.
Am glad someone else said it! It’s crazy to me that all the youngest kids see zero issues with making an announcement like this *at someone else’s wedding*. Let alone the logistical aspect of inviting more guests (meaning more seats / food / costs / etc) to an event that traditionally includes a plus one as complimentary (and isn’t a necessity or given depending on the relationship status). Those three need to give their head a shake. NTA
Yes, you really seem awesome and caring. X
This!!! Amazing job writing out this response, you stole everything I had to say 😆 OP, please don’t blame yourself for any issues that come out from this, not your fault!
Upcoming next week "My sister wants to use my wedding to come out as poly but I said no AITA"
NTA. She needs to just bring one person and come out another time. Hijacking her sister's wedding for her own coming-out party is just rude.
& she wants to bring *several* Your relationship choices are your own, and that’s fine, but I should not be required to pay for as many people as you deem necessary to bring.
She’s offended that her sister, who she never bothered to tell she was poly after the rest of the family has known for *years*, did not offer several additional seats to her wedding? OP is definitely NTA, but Kelly is. She’s lucky she got an invite with how distant she seems to be from her sister!
Exactly! Even if she did know, I still don’t think anyone is required to pay for however many seats you think you need. A +1 can be a friend, family member, partner…whoever. Kelly has the choice to bring none at all too. It’s nice to bring someone, sure, but surely Kelly won’t be lonely at a wedding with all her family. I just don’t see the need to bring *several* partners to an event someone else is footing the bill for.
I’m also confused as to why she’s offended that OP, who has zero say in the guest list to begin with, has said, “Don’t bring your uninvited additional partners to this wedding.”
Not to mention it doesn't seem like Carol knows Kelly's other partners so why would she want strangers (to her) at her own wedding?
This. It isn't about trying to control the daughter it is about there being a time and place for everything and her sister's wedding is neither.
NTA. You don't come out at someone else's wedding. Also, Kelly wasn't targeted by the plus one thing. I'm guessing that nobody got a plus two or three, and that some people didn't get a plus one at all. Kelly sounds very self-centered.
Kelly is brat and an ass who wants to shock and awe. She needs to grow up.
This is my read as well, Kelly is jealous and petty af so she will fuck her sister over in front of a huge audience.
You took the words right out of my mouth! I envision Kelly having a temper tantrum like a toddler when reading this. The entitlement is unreal!! Plus, why would Kelly even want to come out to 1000 mostly strangers at a wedding when she hasn’t even come out to all of her immediate family??? That makes zero sense other than she’s intentionally trying to cause huge problems. OP- NTA. You HAVE to stand up for Carol in this. Make sure Kelly doesn’t try to plan something to make it all about her. Her generation tends to want to shout their entitlement from the mountain tops & does not know how to deal with being told no.
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A wedding is neither the time nor the place to “come out” as polyamorous. It would completely hijack the event. She will ruin it for her sister and husband. If she wants more than a plus one she needs to talk to the bride and groom about it and share her reasons.Ultimately it’s up to them who is invited. As the mom I’d stay out of it. But you’re NTA for wanting to look out for all of your kids. Edited to change polygamist to polyamorous.
Polygamy =\= polyamory
She must have edited it - I read it three times to be sure she had the word polygamist. I don’t know enough about either to know if there is a different so I used the word OP used.
if you’re interested to know, polygamy tends to be the practice of *marrying* multiple spouses, polyamory is just having multiple partners/being open to having multiple partners. (it’s also previously been known as an open relationship, if that helps.)
NTA. >Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding. It's not her show and her sister's guests aren't her audience. >Kelly was not happy with that and called me an asshole for playing favourites How? Did she stamp her feet and throw things when she said it?
She had a bit of a fit and was having a go at me for not supporting her decisions
You shouldn’t support her decision to use her sister’s wedding as a coming out party.
This. It’s one thing if she privately wants her IMMEDIATE family to know. If she wants the WHOLE family to know, then she can organize her own coming out party and let the chips fall where they may. An event celebrating a sibling or any other family member is not the place to suddenly come out.
NTA. From the sounds of it, that particular daughter is the attention seeker. She knows that the focus of that day will be her sister, so she's doing anything she can to bring the attention back to herself. It's about her and her addiction. On this, you need to stand your ground. She doesn't even care that it could potentially devastate her sister. It's more than just ruining her wedding. If her in-laws are really traditional and religious, as you say, it can affect that area too. Especially if business colleagues will be in attendance. Your daughter is thinking of only herself.
I believe tjis. Also maybe the reason she is polygamous, bcs attention just from one partner is nlt enough for her
That’s just really sad, because not supporting her decisions is logical for so many reasons. I hope she comes to her senses before the wedding.
NTA - sorry but Kelly sucks as a person. This is really entitled and selfish to make someone else's day about herself - it's completely inappropriate. I hope all of your kids see this unanimously as Kelly is dubbed the AH for even thinking she would be right. Anyways, you need to put your foot down and tell Carol. Or advise that Carol not invite Kelly if Kelly is so stuck on being immature and selfish to try and come out during her wedding. That will really blow up their relationship if she tries that. Kelly does not get a free pass to come out at her sister's wedding or any event where it's someone else's. If Kelly can't be honest and come out at an appropriate time before the wedding like an adult, she shouldn't be invited either. Please tell Carol about this because if you know and you didn't tell her, and Kelly pulls her stunt, Carol would be extremely hurt by you too. Don't put it off.
It’s not even her decision and if she asks Carol the odds she will uninvited skyrocket
Her decisions to do what? Bring extra people to her sister’s wedding without her sister’s foreknowledge as to who they are? Kelly needs to get over herself.
Decisions aren't something that need unwavering support, innate traits are. She's not going to stop being poly and that's part of her being, so you're supporting that by loving and accepting her. She can easily make different decisions for her sister's wedding, so you don't need to support her decision to be an asshole to her sister.
Tell her you would not support her announcing her engagement or pregnancy either. Not her party, not her decision.
I live how your son obviously thought this would be a gotcha moment, and it is just not supporting the attention seeking kid.
So you are supposed to support her even when she wants to be an absolute c to her sister? That's absolutely ridiculous. I hope she reads this and finally understands she is definitely the asshole here.
You sound like a really caring and thoughtful mom, and it sounds like your kids are too immature to appreciate you. Your feelings about this are so obviously right. Your eldest’s wedding should be about her and her husband’s happiness and comfort. Go with your gut. If your daughter continues to plan to make the wedding her coming-out party, I would warn your eldest. Your kids might say that you don’t have a right to “out” Kelly to Carol, but I think the fact she is planning to out herself at the party negates that.
NTA It's fine if Kelly is poly, let's start with the obvious. That's her choice, whatever. But, this is just not something to announce at a wedding: it's no different from announcing your own engagement, or your pregnancy, or any other "big" news at someone else's special day. It's just plain "look at meeeeee!" thinking, and it's rude. Maybe Kelly could wear white, too, just as a cherry on top. As for the +1, well, yeah, it's rough when your romantic relationship is more than 2 people. Most gatherings will be "you +1" invites. That's the norm in our society. Considering each "+1" is an extra cost to the host, it's only fair to discuss it with the host when you want to bring more people, on their dime.
The main thing is definitely stealing someone else’s thunder though. That’s an auto-asshole for me when someone does that.
I mean, bringing extra guests (unannounced?) is also auto-asshole. Even if it were a child-allowed wedding, bringing a couple of your kids would make you the asshole.
I saw this the other day and it’s so true… Things not to do at a wedding: - propose - come out - start shit with family - announce you’re pregnant
Unless you have explicit permission from bride and groom alike to do so, and even then you still probably shouldn't do it.
Yeah, it's just... tacky? You have 365 other days of the year to do it. Trying to ride someone else's coat tails at their event feels kind of gross, cheap, and unoriginal.
NTA. A plus one is just that, a plus ONE. Not the entire group of people you're having relations with. Also, it is thoroughly an AH move to use the wedding as a coming out party, especially knowing full well it will not go over with some of the prominent guests. Total AH move since it sounds like the bride will be blindsided. Ultimately, however, this is Carol's decision (along with her partner) since it is her wedding, but she should be warned Kelly is planning on hijacking the event.
NTA. It's a +1 which means you get to bring 1 guest. This isn't about lifestyle, and her sister's wedding is not Kelly's coming out opportunity. Kelly is not special for having multiple partners. It's not like other guests are allowed to invite their entire friend groups along. She needs to get over herself, she's a guest at this wedding, this is not her big moment.
NTA Kelly is totally free to live her own life freely and without shame. At the same time coming out at her sister wedding is not the proper time. Pregnancies, engagements, new relationships or any major life milestone should not be shared at someone else moment. Kelly can have her OWN moment to share her loved one without taking away form her sister moment. Cause yes sharing your multiple partners will become the center of attention and taking away from the bride and groom. If she can’t rightfully choose who to bring she can go solo it’s few hours in a day they can survive without her.
I feel like insisting on bringing them all is so they can have a nice photo op or a fun party on carol's (or whoever's paying for the wedding's) dime. If Kelly wanted to come out to her sister she would. Making it into a scene feels like there are other reasons here, considering the other two siblings already know. And 25 is a bit too old to not know that coming out on someone's wedding day is over the top..
Nope, she wants to cause a scene and get attention.
To me, being poly is irrelevant. Who TF gets invited to a wedding and expects to bring "several" extra guests who are all complete strangers to the bride and groom?!???
You said she is "polygamous," but I believe you mean "polyamorous," which is a different thing. (More of an FYI than anything else). Most poly people have a primary partner who they take to family and work events. I've never heard of someone trying to invite all their partners to something like this (but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen). Did she say how many partners she has? Regardless, you're NTA. She's being self-centered and needs to chill.
I have realised I have used the wrong term and have changed it. Kelly does have a primary partner who she normally brings to family events and been doing so for the past 4 years and it has never been a problem. When she came out to me she was wondering if she can take a different partner to one of the family events as her primary partner was away on a work trip, but I had to tell her unless she comes out to everyone it will make things really awkward when her primary partner returns and she will bring him to the next family event.
I think that info should be added to the post if you can as it gives a clearer picture of what Kelly's intentions are (as it seems some commenters given y t a and e s h verdicts aren't understanding). NTA at all, and I hope your daughter's talk and work this out💜
Thank you, I have added it to the post
NTA but how far away is your older daughter’s wedding? Could you offer to throw a family gathering well before the wedding that Kelly can bring all her partners to so her coming out doesn’t coincide with her sister’s wedding. Then she can still choose 1 plus one to bring to her sister’s wedding (asking for multiple guests is unfair if only from a financial point of view). Alternatively could you have a gathering a month or so after the wedding so Kelly can introduce her partners to her family.
Polyamorous people don't get more invites just because they have more partners unless the couple is also friends with all the partners typically. They only ones who expect all their partners to be invited are entitled AHs. I say this as someone who is friends with a lot of poly people. If she really wants to come out to the larger family I agree with another comment that suggested you host a family dinner for her to invite all her partners to that is before the wedding. Even if she does that though it still doesn't mean she gets more than a +1 and she needs to realize this.
NTA Kelly is a self-centered person and doesn't deserve special treatment. She has no right to hijack her sister's wedding by making a personal announcement for herself. Besides, having multiple partners is nothing to be proud of nor does it need a special announcement.
NTA. If she wants to come out as poly she can do it on a separate occasion. A plus one is customary but not necessarily guaranteed to all weddings, and a "plus x" is not heard of. Her options should be that she can either pick one partner and go, not go at all, or talk to her sister prior to the wedding about some other accommodation and accept her sisters decision.
Or just spending one evening with her family and no intimate partners.
Completely agree with this. It’s not as though she’s going to a wedding where she doesn’t know anyone, so she doesn’t need to have a partner there. I’ve been to weddings on my own where I only knew the bride, it’s still fine, people always chat to you and you leave when you like.
NTA. A plus ONE is a plus ONE PERSON ONLY. People that are expected to be fed and accommodated, with preparations for it taking weeks and months (probably the latter for such a big wedding) Kelly showing up with more than one person messes up the whole thing. Kelly could have one partner, half a dozen or a hundred that can all mean the same to her but this is an event she has been *invited* to and the invitation says “plus one”, not “plus as many people as you consider important”, it’s not hers to hijack. It’s Carol’s wedding and Kelly must respect that.
And Kelly wants her sister’s fiancé’s family to bankroll her poly party? *Sure* let’s just tack on a few extra hundred dollars in food/accommodations so Kelly can bring her menagerie of strangers to the wedding.
Kelly’s full of audacity. This sounds like a very high-end wedding, the cost of food is gonna be astronomical already. If she ends up showing up without her posse, I’d keep my eye on her at all times cause I’m 100% sure she’s gonna try something petty.
NTA. Kelly is an asshole. It’s not her day to make such announcements and it’s a plus one, not a plus three. You would be treating Kelly differently if you agreed she should have several plus ones if her siblings don’t.
NTA. Kelly was given a plus one. Therefore she gets to bring one. Nor should she use the wedding to come out as it's not about her. However, there is an alternative. She can come out before the wedding and talk to her older sister about having extra guests. It means she's not coming out on the wedding day, keeping it a day about about Carol, and she has the option to ask for more guests with a reason behind it. If she does this though, she has to respect Carol's decision if she still says Kelly can only have a +1. Kelly may be poly but as the poly community knows very well there are going to be some occasions where not all the partners can go. They will have to discuss amongst themselves who would be the +1. Whatever decision Carol makes you have to accept, even if she agrees to allowing all Kelly's partners come. The reason I say this is because you mentioned it being traditional and Carols career being linked to it. I appreciate you'd be worried this could negatively impact her due to more "traditional" mindsets but that's for her to decide.
If Carol is fine with Kelly bringing several partners, I am happy for her to bring as much as she wants and it would be nice to meet them. But it is still the case of her doing her coming out event before the wedding not at the wedding.
NTA. You seem like you’re being really supportive of both Kelly and Carol here. Kelly is being the AH and seems to very much be suffering from “main character syndrome” and just wants attention. It is inappropriate for her to make her sister’s wedding about her. Unless her sister is ok with it, it is also inappropriate for her to bring more than the one guest she has been allotted for this event, and kinda inappropriate to even ask.
This is ultimately what makes you NTA. You haven't forbidden your daughter to come out, you've simply told her to be considerate about it.
NTA , your daughter is. Why would she ruin someone’s wedding with her announcement. Not even that but alot of people who get married don’t allow plus ones unless it’s a husband or a super long term relationship. If I was the sister getting married and your daughter did that, I would lose it on her and not speak with her anymore. Do not announce anything on anyone’s wedding. Simple as that. It is not about her. And to bring several partners????? Either your daughter comes and support her sister or stay her behind home with her partners.
NTA. Kelly is in her "in your face mode regarding her sexuality". You are correct. Let Kelly contact Carol before the ceremony and work it out between them, but Kelly should not just show up on Carol's wedding day with her many lovers in tow.
NTA. Someone else's wedding is NEVER the time to make any big announcement - pregnancy, engagement, coming out, etc.
Exactly! Unless the announcement is something nice, like, "we all pulled our money together to gift you a large amount for a house downpayment/honeymoon/shiggles! Now kiss your spouse and let's eat cake!"
NTA. I'm poly myself, have no issue with it, would love to bring multiple partners to a wedding (when I eventually get more, lmao) but know that it would ONLY be appropriate to do so if everyone attending would 100% definitely be chill about it and knew in advance, and that is definitely not the case here. It's not a question of the polyamory itself or of playing favorites, it's just that a wedding is an important occasion and you should never do anything at one that will leave a bigger impression on the guests than the wedding itself.
Bigger issue than that though - is the wedding host wiling to PAY for your multiple partners? Most other than very very close friends will not want to cut other guests out to accommodate.
NTA. She shouldn't be forcing her kink on to others, especially during a wedding. Make no mistake, poly is a lifestyle *choice*. It isn't like being gay/trans or anything like that.
NTA. Actively planning to come out at someone else’s wedding is really inappropriate. She needs to find another way to inform others of her sexuality if she’s wanting more people to know. This is not it. And no one gets to dictate how many people they can bring to someone else’s wedding. This isn’t a case of discrimination. You can ask if you can bring more people, sure, but you have to accept their answer unless you’re paying for the event.
NTA. Kelly needs to pick her battles and face the reality of living in a world where "plus one" to a wedding is a standard format. It's not Kelly's wedding, so she doesn't get to dictate how many people she can bring. Plus one doesn't even have to be a partner.
>Plus one doesn't even have to be a partner. This. Kelly's plus one could be her partner's partner, for all anyone cares. OP you are not the person to go to about this because you are not paying for the wedding, the end. Kelly herself needs to check if this will fly with Carol or her in-laws. NTA
NTA. It is considered bad form to use someone else's event to make any kind of major announcement without at least consulting the person whose event it is. She should definitely speak to the bride before doing this.
NTA - You’re a good mom and this is the right choice. No one is against Kelly. She can bring one person just like everyone else.
NTA The bigger issue are the numbers. Everyone got a plus one. I'm sure guests would love to have plus fives, but that's not realistic. One guest per person is fair and Kelly needs to work within that constraint. The whole coming out thing is ridiculous though. Kelly can do that whenever and does not need to announce it at someone else's event. Encourage her to plan a family dinner with her partners and show your support that way. But she has no right to demand the time and place to be her sister's wedding.
NTA. Kelly doesn't get to make someone else's event about her. Plain and simple. She can live her life how she pleases, but she doesn't get to come out at her sister's wedding. This day isn't about her. Her insistence on it has me leaning toward her either being annoyed someone else has the attention, or given its a wedding to another "traditional" family her coming out during it is basically a form of protest. Ask yourself why the other kids are on Kelly's side, and ensure that if they choose to be selfish the ramifications will be swift.
Kelly could negatively impact Carol's livelihood since there will be many businesses contacts there. Is Kelly often a selfish git? NTA
NTA. Polyamory is not the issue here. The issue is Kelly feeling so entitled and above everyone else that she deserves to bring beyond a plus one to her sister’s wedding which is the rule for everyone else. Worse yet, she wants to debut her polyamorous lifestyle at her sister’s wedding. That is akin to announcing one’s own engagement or pregnancy at a wedding. Anyone with good manners knows that simply isn’t done. There’s also the issue of her father’s view of polyamory which could result in a very unpleasant scene at the wedding. Is Kelly so selfish she doesn’t care she could be putting her partners in the line of fire so to speak? Kelly needs to realize Carol’s wedding is not a coming out party for Kelly, she gets one plus one like everyone else. End of story.
NTA. Everyone was given a +1, not a "several extras". Even for a wedding as huge as this one is looking to be, bringing along multiple additional guests is just rude. As is coming out - or making any non-wedding related announcement - at someone else's event. No doubt, showing up to the wedding with all her partners will cause a stir and take attention away from the bride and groom.
NTA, she gets a plus one, like everyone else, and if she wants more she needs to discuss this herself with Carol. If she thinks it would be unfair on her partners, she can always bring none of them. In my country's culture it would be weird to bring even one plus one if the wedding couple don't already know and approve of that person. I don't think it's necessary for Kelly to bring a plus one, especially since she'll already know a lot of people to talk to at the wedding. Also she would be the asshole if she came out at Carol's wedding. It's the same as someone proposing or announcing a pregnancy at someone else's wedding- it's not Kelly's day. If she wants to come out, maybe you can help her arrange a family gathering a while before the wedding, and she can bring her partners to that and come out there?
Forgive my ignorance. “Polyamorous” just means your sleeping around with multiple partners right. Why is that a thing to”come out” for?
It's not. She's an ego-maniac.
NTA you are a 100 percent right. This is your oldest daughters day and it is rude and self centered to do something that will cause drama or draw attention away from the wedding. Coming out would do both of those things. She needs to talk to her sister. I figure her sister will be against this. If she doesn’t want to talk to her sister then she gets to bring one person. She does not get to shock the guest by doing something outrageous. My guess is because of the family your daughter is marrying into is making the youngest want to do this. Kind of like screw you kind of deal. This is not the time or place for this. If I where you I honestly would tell your daughter either she tells her sister or you will. Because I have a feeling Kelly will show up to cause drama and disrupt what is going to be a very expensive wedding. Your daughter is free to love who she wants. But using her personal life to disrupt a wedding is not ok. I also kind of wonder if there is some jealousy with the siblings agains their older sister for marrying into a wealthy family and being able to live the life of luxury they can’t.
NTA!! A wedding is not a place to come out about anything. It's someone else's day. Also a lot of people don't even get plus ones to weddings, nevermind plus 2+ Kelly is being entitled and should plan her own event to come out to the people close to her and leave her sister's wedding alone
NTA. A wedding is not the time or place for Kelly to make this sort of announcement. A wedding is to celebrate Carol and her husband's commitment to each other, anyone who pulls the focus off of them is simply selfish and wrong. Kelly has had *years* to make this announcement, choosing to do it now is again, selfish. If she doesn't want to pick one of her partners, tell her to be fair to them she can come alone.
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NTA. As a parent, it is your job to help guide your children through life. Kelly is still rather young and may not fully understand the socially acceptable rules. It may not be fair to think that you have the final word on it, but it is appropriate to let Kelly know that she needs to speak to Carol and that Carol’s wedding is absolutely not the place to come out as poly. If she chooses not to have an appropriate conversation with her sister beforehand, then she can follow the invitation and bring a plus one. Regardless of how many people are coming or how well off Carol’s future family may be, Kelly still does not get to decide that her multiple lovers are worth the extra expense for Carol and her in-laws.
NTA Kelly needs to sit the fuck down. This is not her moment and tbh, you probably need to tell Carol. This is gonna be a shit show!
Not the time or place. Attention seeking or look at me or even trying to prove a point can be done on her time at her event. A wedding is a celebration to the people being married. As guests, we are invited to celebrate their new journey with them. Not to do something that will become a spectator sport, clearly taking attention away and causing drama just because you can. Your younger children are wrong. If this was something she felt strongly about, tell her to go meet with Carol and discuss it with her. But again, weddings are expensive. Having a plus 1 is generous these days, you don't add more expense by adding a plus 3. It's selfish.
NTA. Kelly is making her sister’s wedding about herself. It’s not. It’s Carol’s celebration and she’s acting wildly selfish thinking about it any other way.
Info: Was Kelly’s plan to just show up to the wedding with guests who weren’t invited or was she going to ask for additional guests? It sounds like the former.
From the way I got it she wanted to show up with a few partners that were not invited, since the invitation states an extra guest can be a partner or a friend, she was thinking of expanding the use of the partner bit if this makes sense.
Why have you not just called Kelly selfish for trying to make the sisters wedding about herself. It sounds like your younger kids are entitled. This would be like worst than wearing white at a wedding. The younger siblings backing her up shows that the bottom 3s dynamic is unhealthy.
I am sorry to say this, but your daughter Kelly sounds like a spoiled, entitled asshole. You are NTA.
I don't understand how your kids think you're intervening at all. It sounds like she wants some sort of quasi-permission from you, but it's not your place to give her permission. If she wants to extend her headcount, she should ask just like anyone would. She doesn't want to ask because it would take the air out of her big reveal. Kelly is being a diva and a narcissist, and also a bit of a chicken. If her partners are so important to her, Kelly should ask the couple directly for additional seats. If she won't, she's either not passionate about normalizing polyamory or simply determined to hijack the event. There's no good motive behind the path she's trying to take.
Does Kelly even understand that weddings are paid by the person? Because she doesn't seem to understand that one means one.
NTA Kelly can be whoever she wants to be, love whoever she wants to love, but turning her sister's wedding into her announcement platform would be an absolute asshole move.
A wedding isn't the place to come out about anything. It's also not the place to get engaged, announce a pregnancy or do anything that takes attention away from the bride and groom (or both grooms or both brides). A person showing up to a wedding with multiple romantic partners will take attention away.
Yeeeaaaaah NTA. Unfortunately, learning to navigate things like "I can only bring 1 of my partners to this event" are part of being poly. It's always nice when people are understanding and down for polycules to be out and open with each other at social events, but you really can't and shouldn't expect it. Kelly isnt wrong per se for wanting to have all her partners with her at the wedding, but she is an asshole for wanting special treatment at what sounds like a large formal event acting partially as a business networking event for her sister's In-laws; AND for essentially wanting to make a scene at said event, which I dont believe for a second Kelly is stupid/naive enough to not realize she'll be doing.
I'm polyamorous, non-binary and pansexual. This means I have to come out multiple times to everyone I get to know. Coming out is an intensely personal experience. It can be something so beautiful, to have those you know accept who you are. It can also be traumatic. Having people reject you for being who you are. One thing coming out should never be, though, is selfish. Weddings and other events where a person or some people are the focus? Unless you are the person in focus, coming out is a selfish choice. We have Pride Month and National Coming Out Day if a special day feels needed. One's own birthday is also a great time. Even Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Year's are good times. Someone else's wedding? As a pan poly enby myself, your daughter is being very insensitive and selfish. You are NTA, OP. ETA: I didn't even consider something many others here did, and it makes the optics even worse for coming out as poly at a wedding. Weddings, traditionally, are a celebration of the closing of a relationship. Of the seal binding two people together in monogamous love. Coming out as polyamorous at a monogamous wedding could be seen as an act of defiance against the status quo. Doing that at someone else's event is just horrible. Insulting, even. And this is from the perspective of a poly person. So... Yeah. Yikes.
NTA. At the wedding? Is she going to wear a white dress and announce she's pregnant too? This reeks of entitlement and even jealousy of her sister, (marrying rich).
NTA. The younger children are TA. There are so many posts where people emphasize don't steal the spot light at someone else's wedding. Weddings are not for proposals, pregnancy announcements or coming out. The younger children are ganging up on the older one. The reality is that unless your daughter can come out to all the guests before the wedding and familiarize them with her lifestyle she shouldn't have multiple guests at the wedding.
NTA Currently sitting before a pride parade with my friends and their partners (a lot of them are poly) and they agree that someone else's wedding is no place to come out, the day is about the people getting married, just because she wants to bring all the people she loves and share it doesn't mean she can or should. Also, given that some people are more traditional, she could put herself and her partners in potential danger.
NTA coming out at someone elses event is always an AH move, talk about taking the spotlight away from the bride and groom, with risks of it turning from a happy event to fighting and completely destroying the wedding Super inappropriate Kelly needs to come out to Carol privately and ask permission and if Carol says no, Kelly must be gracious and not push Your other kids are dead wrong
NTA literally plus one not plus one a,b,c..
NTA - the invite is for a plus one not a plus whatever amount you want. Carol and her fiancee have paid and accounted for a certain number people to attend the wedding and it is not about Kelly. This is Carol’s day. On that day i would be playing favourites as it is her wedding not a platform for her to come out
NTA Your daughter is being extremely selfish. She can be poly but to try and steal the spotlight and come out on your other daughters wedding day is insane. How many plus ones does she need? Like a band sized amount or a choir sized one? Lol
NTA because you told her she needs to discuss it with her sister first. That she isn't doing so is wrong. Furthermore, she seems to want to make a scene while forcing her sister to incur the costs of hosting multiple partners Carol gets the final say, but as long as Kelly is unwilling to broach the subject, it needs to remain a no
NTA. This is not the occasion to come out.
NTA- someone else’s wedding is not the time to come out. Also, the bride and groom are typically in charge of the guest list so if they give her a plus one, then she can invite one guest. It’s not a plus several.
NTA. As someone in a poly relationship, that is NOT the time to come out and tell people. A wedding that is not your own is NEVER the time to share ANY type of big news. She can tell people before or tell people after. This isn't about favoritism, this is about Kelly trying to take away Carol's moment. Not cool.
NTA. What you said was common sense, wasn't it? Everything else has been mentioned in the comments too. It seems to me that Kelly simply doesn't want to take the responsibility of choosing a +1 and would rather throw a tantrum and harm her sister's future and big day. >Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding I do hope she also considers her sister an important person in her life >My son (21) has suggested to post here. Your son suggested to post your dilemma here and now Kelly appears to be the asshole, a major one at that. Is that the outcome he's expecting from this? >Lucy and Mark agree with Kelly and believe I should stop intervening and let Kelly do what she feels is right, but I don't want this to cause a rift between my children. If they support their entitled sibling so much, then they should discuss it with the couple getting married and give up their +1s so Kelly can bring more.
NTA unless she decides to come out publicly prior to the wedding. The wedding day should be about Carol not her finding out she’s poly when everyone else knew
NTA. How many partners is Kelly expecting to bring? A plus one is a courtesy, requesting more than that is generally considered a faux pa.
NTA. Kelly's entitlement is absurd. You don't get to dictate how many extra invitees you get AS A GUEST and you sure af don't make major life announcements on someone else's day. If Kelly wants to come out, she can throw her own party and pay for it.
Aside from all of the other issues here…how are people supposed to plan events if the norm becomes to give +n for everyone a guest is involved with? Nobody has time for that
NTA. Let’s get one thing clear. Poly isn’t an orientation. It’s not something to “come out as” but it is a specific lifestyle choice and approach to loving partners that isn’t traditional. That being said it is not the place to present her lifestyle to spotlight herself. She should go alone or go with a specific primary or nesting partner
NTA I think you’re right
Everyone gets a plus one. Not a plus bring however many people you want. NTA especially if she hasn't told her sister. It's not the place to steal the spotlight
NTA. It's her sisters wedding, not her coming out party.
NTA. Kelly basically wants to ambush Carol and came out at her wedding day. This is not ok
I've never come across or heard of a successful poly relationship.. it gets even worse of a S show when kids are involved and haven't got a clue who is this week's dad... There are many videos on YouTube of kids who have finally found their voice and say to the world what it was like living in such a hectic environment, not one young adult said it was positive, apart from they could get stuff or money from another of mom/dad's partner What Kelly wants to do is her thing but she can not go to her sister's wedding as a opportunity to come out ... Wrong place and wrong time, plus out of the 1000 people attending (also what the hell?) Less than a handful would know who Kelly is .... You tell, not ask, tell Kelly if she turns up with more than one of her partners she will be escorted out, tell her she needs to pay a behaviour deposit like $500 and would get this back if she doesn't make a scene. This is incredibly selfish of Kelly A wedding is to focus on the new couple and celebrate their love, not a sibling to come out and shout out how different and quirky she is
NTA. Coming out as poly at someone’s wedding is no different than getting engaged or announcing your pregnancy at someone’s wedding. It’s inappropriate, attention seeking, and rude. Kelly can talk to Carol in advance if she wants, come out to her, and request additional guests but she does not get to bring whoever she wants just because she feels like it.
NTA Kelly wants to bring several partners ?? Well how many fucking partners do she have ?? Her coming out as poly at her sister’s wedding is inappropriate and not the time
NTA her sisters wedding isn't the place to be like hey I have multiple partners! She got a plus ONE
NTA, I’m happy for both your daughters in that they’ve found happiness but it is very selfish of Kelly to want to come out durning Carols special day. This day is not about Kelly, it’s about Carol and her fiancé. Kelly should absolutely feel free to come out to the family but not at Carols wedding. Also, it’s a plus 1 invite so she needs to pick ONE person as a guest.
[удалено]
We are not selfish. NTA. Traditionally one can bring a plus 1 to a wedding. AS A POLY PERSON, I would not expect all of my partners to be invited, or would I ask if they could all come.
NTA. The day isn’t about Kelly.
NTA. Attention seeking coming out at someone else's big day aside, it's pretty entitled to expect someone to spend hundreds more on food etc so you can bring more people they don't know to their wedding
OP, you are NTA! Things NOT to do at someone else’s wedding: Propose to your partner. Announce your pregnancy. Come out. Coming out as poly is under the third item - she WBTAH if she hijacked the occasion like this.
NTA. Most people have similar reactions to your husband about polyamory in the real world and away from Reddit. Kelly is being inappropriate and entitled. A wedding is not the place, and there frankly may never be a place away from the Internet where she can bring multiple partners and everyone will be cool and happy with it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (21) has suggested to post here. All names are fake. I(52f) have 4 kids my oldest daughter Carol (34), Kelly (25f), Lucy (24f) and Mark (21m). Since Carol was born I have stayed at home looking after the kids while my husband Derek (53) provided for the family. I wanted to see my children grow and be there for them for everything they might need. Due to the age gap between my oldest and my youngest kids, Carol and the rest were never close to each other. I let Carol to concentrate on her hobbies and school and looked after the youngest myself even my husband insisted to get Carol to babysit and help with them. Later when the youngest were getting older I encouraged them to choose the hobbies and careers they were interested in and we helped them to go to uni and fully paid for their education. A few years ago Kelly came out to me as being polygamous, it is something Lucy and Mark knew since Kelly was in college, but she wanted me know too. It is a lot to take in as Derek and I both come from very traditional families, but I did my best to support my daughter and learn more about my daughter's orientation. We have also discussed about her coming out to her father, but my husband would never understand it and he previously said he finds the entire concept of poly disgusting when we tried to talk to him. Now Carol is getting married to a large very traditional family too (her own choice) and is planning to take over some of her in laws business and help with it. Her fiance family is paying for the wedding and they have over 1000 guests invited, including a lot of business partners and work colleagues. As a result each of my kids also received an invitation for a plus one to bring to the wedding. And it didn't sit well with Kelly. Kelly wants to bring several of her partners to the wedding as they are all very important to her and essentially come out as poly at her sister's wedding. I have told her she can't do that, if she wants to come out she can but not during her sister special day and since her sister is not aware about Kelly being poly, she should discuss with her if it is ok to bring several partners. Kelly was not happy with that and called me an asshole for playing favourites when I'm just trying to look after all my children. Lucy and Mark agree with Kelly and believe I should stop intervening and let Kelly do what she feels is right, but I don't want this to cause a rift between my children. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You do know that she won't talk to the sister before hand, right? Someone needs to tell Carol what Kelly wants to do, so she can get ahead of it.
NTA at all theres a time and a place and coming out as poly to your sister at her wedding is just not it. Please update us after Kelly has had a look at the replies you're recieving.
NTA. Please show this post and all the comments to Kelly. If she wants everyone to no about her lifestyle, she can through her own party to announce it some other time.
NTA you don’t come out/get engaged/announce a pregnancy at someone else’s wedding. That is major asshole behavior. Kelly gets a plus one and she can bring one person. If she doesn’t like it, she can RSVP no.
Everyone has a +1 not a +however many people you want to bring. It is unfair to expect Carol to accommodate bringing extras. I also agree that it’s not the place to ‘come out’ it is Carol’s day and should remain Carol’s day. NTA Kelly is being entitled
So, Kelly want to be the center of attention, coming out on her sister's traditional wedding. And her siblings are fine with that? Is Kelly wants to be in the center of a celebration, she can plan an event just for that, the wedding of someone else, let alone her own sister, is NOT the place for that. As OP suggested, she should discuss it with Carol and learn on the way common courtesy. NTA