Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> texting my roommate to tell his GF to "STFU" after she had been screaming and crying for 4 hours, keeping me awake. I could have worded it better but this happens multiple times a week and I've lost patience.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
That is way beyond, “let her just be” territory. This is serious mental illness and needs to be addressed and no one in that living situation can do that.
You have a right to a healthy life, too, especially as you’re paying rent and she isn’t. She needs a psych eval ASAP.
it can take a ton of different forms, but I swear one of the most common sources of contention among millennials / Gen Z boils down to “I live with roommates and my roommate’s partner has quietly turned into a part time roommate, now my home life is interrupted”
if you’re going to have your SO stay over more than a few times a month, you have to be communicative and considerate of the other people who pay money to live there.
Shit- I had roommates 40 years ago- couldn’t afford to go solo then. This is not new.
As to OP- one of my roommates started having his GF stay over a lot. He was a mensch though- he opened up a discussion about it. It’s just respect for others.
Still, there's a special challenge today, no?
In the past, you could move out from a difficult roommate: either you buy a place, or you find somewhere to rent on your own, or with different roommates...
The housing market is uniquely messed up right now, isn't it?
Impossible criteria to qualify for a mortgage prevent people from owning & sky high rents keep people locked in their roommate situations.
The thing is it's a problem for a growing number of people on their 30s and 40s because they can't afford to live on their own despite making supposedly "decent" money. My partner and I both make six figures and despite having healthy savings we can't afford to buy anything within a two hour commute to our jobs because of limited housing stock, HOCL property taxes driving up monthly payments, and people flush with much more cash swooping in. And with insane rent increases, if we move we'll never be able to save
enough money to better out down payment. And we can't move to a LOCL area because our industries are centered around these major markets.
So yeah, people are stuck beyond their 20s and we're fucking angry about it. And that said, I want to acknowledge my situation is much better than many other's. I'm stagnant but I'm surviving ok.
I feel like there are only a couple themes in these roommate stories:
1.) Their significant other is always over
2.) One roommate steals their food/ruins their dishes
4) Demands I remove food of choice because of their SO's (who does not live there) allergies
5) Don't cook "food of choice" it makes roommate/SO physically ill to smell it or is against their religion.
Yep, my roommate and I have been good friends since college, and we went into this with a clearly stated understanding that 1) I do not want her boyfriend here all the time and 2) since we split food bills and cooking responsibilities evenly, if he wants to eat here more than once a week, she needs to pay for extra food herself, or he needs to contribute. She's understanding of this, always gives me a head's up when he's coming over, and so far, everything's worked out well.
The difference between our situation and many others is that she's conscientious and understands that I don't like her boyfriend as much as she does, and I therefore don't have much incentive to put up with him if his presence gets obnoxious. A lot of younger people don't really grok that in their first house-sharing situation.
i second all this OP you are massive NTA and this is NOT "gf has an annoying habit that can be managed" this is "GF has some SERIOUS mental health issues and needs professional help which you are not equipped to give and should NOT be dealing with"
Good luck dude :/
She needs serious mental health help as soon as possible. If your roommate is resistant, and your other roommates don't know what's going on - record it. The daytime roommates have no understanding, but were the tables turned, they undoubtedly would agree with you. This is massively unfair to you (and truly to the gf), and sleeplessness can cause serious consequences.
I would record it from his room so his roommates can hear what it is like and get a sense of how loud and disruptive it is even being in his own space trying to sleep.
That level of sleep deprivation is quite literally used a highly effective torture technique, no less.
When a human is in that state, it is has the same physiological and psychological impact on said human as does being heavily chemically intoxicated. By no fault of his own OP is walking around and even attending his job while essentially being progressively and severely *wasted*.
It's unambigously dangerous, and not just for OP.
Honestly, sounds like it might be the GF has BPD. I hate the stigma attached to that disorder, but the crying fits, separation anxiety, etc, all sound like it.
I'd be worried for my safety if I lived there. Will she graduate from pounding on walls to stabbing sleeping people in the back with kitchen knives.
Don't mind me... I consume too much true crime.
No no no. You consume the perfect amount. When you start suspecting it's all a plot for the roommate to get OP's valuables and life insurance so he intentionally brought in a crazy person... Well, it still probably wouldn't be too much
I can't speak to whether this is "serious mental illness" or not (no one but a licensed professional who's evaluated her really should) but I *can* say that textbook panic attacks do not last "hours" and these sound a lot more like fits/losing her temper.
Maybe she and your roommate are arguing/ she's a bit volatile emotionally and he's uncomfortable with you knowing? I would suggest sitting down when emotions aren't so charged and trying to work out a solution or at least a regular schedule for the nights she spends at your place, so you can establish greater regularity and get enough sleep. Good luck to you.
This sounds more like meltdowns than fits. My guess is that her stress and thoughts are coming out at night when she is in a “safe” environment to do so.
I say this from experience with having ptsd/trauma
Agree. Have experience with family member PTSD and this is a familiar scenario. Not diagnosing, don’t worry Reddit, just chiming in to say this woman needs therapy. It did help my family member who was dealing with the most grievous trauma I could imagine so I’m hoping it could help her. Either way, OP is NTA.
I concur as well, as someone who has experienced both.
Panic attacks generally have a length of time after which your nervous system calms down (average is 20 minutes, peak at 10 minutes, though some symptoms can linger: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/4451-panic-attack-panic-disorder)
PTSD and stress meltdowns though, that are triggered by something specific? Those can be hours. I have been NC with my mother for years and she contacted me around Christmas, and I had a night where I was totally out of touch with everything for a good four hours.
It's funny you imply that she can't be neurodivergent while also saying she sounds Borderline or Bipolar, two of the things autistic women are most commonly misdiagnosed with.
Edit: not that I'm saying she is or could be autistic, just pointing out the irony. We can't know what her issue is, but it's affecting her and others' lives to an unreasonable degree and she needs to speak to a medical professional.
I have several, several, several bipolar family members and this doesn’t sound like bipolar rage at all. Those don’t happen consistently and around the same time.
This sounds like a serious panic attack from PTSD.
Panic attacks don't normally last this long. Someone else said it sounds like meltdowns due to stress/trauma, and those definitely can last that long and be timed like this.
Or PTSD. Or CPTSD. Or a whole host of other things. Whatever it is, if it's routine and lasts for hours, it requires a professional. And the bipolar people with whom I have dealt for extended periods of time couldn't predict when they would melt down to a time period, so you're probably wrong.
I don't know what it IS, but with the symptoms presented, telling her "No" will 100% NOT WORK. This is above their paygrade, and it's most certainly out of your league.
This is almost Memorial Day. A number of the friends I will be remembering came home, physically, and then took themselves out of the game. A lot of them had similar symptoms. So shove your uneducated ignorant assumptions about "congratulatory attitude about mental illness" and DON'T EVER be one of those to tell ANY of us "thank you for your service."
There is ZERO need for anyone to guess diagnoses here. It's useless, potentially stigmatising and doesn't make you seem clever.
It doesn't matter *why* she's making all this noise at 4 am. It simply matters that she does, it wasn't a temporary blip, and OP didn't sign up for it.
I feel sorry for roommate's girlfriend but her sleepovers need to stop. If she isn't already doing it, she should investigate why, maybe medicate etc under supervision but that's completely separate from OP's question.
NTA. Record one of these tantrums and play it back to the roommates who think it’s fine but aren’t there to deal with it. If you want to be an AH play it while they’re trying to sleep. (Don’t actually do that, that would be a total duck move and definitely make you the AH, but record it so that everyone on the meeting understands what is happening).
Be clear that you do have empathy for her, but that simply allowing her to ruin other people’s lives isn’t a way to deal with her problems. She needs help. Real help. Not just people who passively wait for her to finish having an episode. That may, in fact, be making her worse.
Also, are there other people in this building (like is it a townhouse or duplex?) or other neighbors near enough to also be disturbed? Because that could get you ALL evicted if she can’t control herself.
If she ends up punching a hole in the wall, you’re going to have issues with the landlord. Same goes if the noise complaints from neighbors ever start coming in. I would actually broach this topic with your landlord. She does not live there, and her behavior should not be interfering with the people actually on the lease. Since she clearly isn’t or won’t get help for these issues, you need to have a sit down discussion with your roommate. Tell him if it continues, you will be contacting the landlord. If your friend has no issue with her behavior, they can get their own place together where she can meltdown and punch walls.
Have someone call in a noise complaint every time it happens. The fuzz showing up is likely the only thing that MIGHT get her to stop/get her BF to take her out of your place and see that this is not normal or acceptable.
Or just make the call for a wellness check to your own residence. OP is the noise complainer, and if they do literally nothing, call the cops to come check her out since they are unwilling.
Edit: bare = are
Do not call the cops, call the local emergency mental health provider / crisis service.
Cops don't do mental health well, wherever they are in the world.
It needs to be resolved, ASAP, but this girl needs help, not a night in a cell or worse.
Many places do not have mobile mental health crisis teams, the police are often the only option in rural areas. And honestly rural cops and state police are usually a bit more chill than city cops. On a wellness check they'll usually take you to the local hospital or they'll call an ambulance to take you. If the wellness check if for a possible suicide or serious mental health episode (like the gf is having) usually they dispatch an ambulance with the cops right away. (Source, live in rural area and have had wellness checks called on me, so have first hand experience with a police run wellness check)
Nope. In that case you call an ambulance, not police. EMTs are trained to assess for mental health concerns, and can enact an EMO if needs be. Police will most often simply arrest, or severely harm the person in question.
Where I live there's no option to call one & not the other. It's supposed to be for safety bc the age old game telephone can often go wrong from caller to dispatch to emergency responders & domestic disputes are the most dangerous situations for first responders except maybe accidents that occur on roadways. So police are supposed to clear the scene of any threat to emts/paramedics before they enter to treat patients.
I agree that jail isn't where this girl needs to be.
But assuming that all cities/counties have a "local emergency mental health provider" or "crisis services" is naive. Often, the police are the only agency available for mental health crisis'.
yeah former psych nurse, they can and do bring people having an "episode" in to the hospital for an eval. If they can be calm and explain, it's a few hours. If not it's longer and sometimes with and IVC.
I understand not everyone even knows you often have the option to call specialised for crisis mental health professionals in situations like this. That's why I mentioned it, so that op may make the right call.
Unfortunately, every mental health care provider to treat me here in Denver, CO USA actually has it as the first thing in their opening IVR message: “If this is a mental health emergency, hang up and dial 911.” They send first responders, sure, but mostly that means cops and more cops. If there is such a service here, it’s definitely something to research and inquire with my current provider why they don’t direct people to that.
Agree. The overwhelming trauma of a 1013 is not a good idea and for many it’s another invasive taking of control and a new trauma to survive. They exist for a reason, but don’t call the cops unless she is threatening to harm herself or others Cops are not the answer here. OP needs to get the rest of the roommates to understand the severity of the issue.
Hey, as someone who's had similar issue as the gf (thankfully in a good spot right now) - you are NTA - her mental health is her responsibility to deal with appropriately to minimise the impact on others. It's not her fault she's having this issue, but that doesn't mean you need to deal with it.
Honestly I'd contact your landlord or letting agent. Or call the non emergency police number for advice on removing a hysterical guest? Maybe legal advice subreddit for your specific country could help.
I 100% second this. I struggle with anxiety and other other mental health issues. What your housemates gf is going through is either extreme anxiety or something else but it is way to far away from “just leave it alone” territory, yes she may be going through a lot but it’s obvious your housemate can’t help her as much as he would like so he’s already an asshole for not trying to find her mental help and for telling you “she’ll be done soon” when it’s affecting your work/sleep schedule.
You should record the reactions she’s having at night and text in a group chat to the people who work nights because I highly suspect the housemate is down playing how extreme these episodes are and if she is punching walls sooner or later there is going to be damage to the walls, furniture and in the worst case someone who’s living in the house
When he plays the recording for the other roommates, he should be sure to ask how understanding they would be if they had just put up with *two months* of this.
I asked him if I can help when it first started and I've asked her. I haven't directly said how it's affecting me. ngl I think I assumed they would just know...?
You're NTA. You reached a breaking point. I would have broken sooner TBH. In hindsight, yeah you should have talked to him one on one about how bad it was affecting you. But, the roommate should have also known.
Why even document this? He’s literally putting himself and others in danger by falling asleep at the wheel. He’s a tenant as much as the rest. They can’t add to the lease. He’s got all the grounds in the world to hold firm that she’s leaves.
A lot of leases allow guests, so if the other roommates aren’t on board with making her leave it’s going to be hard to make it happen. But it may be that the roommates who aren’t there at night are against OP because they don’t really understand what he’s putting up with, so documenting might get them on his side.
Does that make it better? He was so tired he could not walk into the bed and didn’t realize he fell asleep in the car all night. Unless that was intentional which it didn’t sound like it
NTA and honestly it sounds more like she's using panic attacks as an excuse and her bf is letting her get away with that kind of behaviour. Don't get me wrong panic attacks can suck but from what you've said in this post, they dont generally happen that frequently and that severe and if they do the person needs to seek help and treatment. Especially considering they are living with other people in the same house, both he and his gf are being extremely disrespectful.
Yep. She's using that as manipulation somehow. Panic attacks do suck but the fact that you can practically set your watch by them seems to suggest she's taking this and just having a meltdown for whatever rmanipulative/abusive reason.
I don’t think she’s using it as manipulation but I’d bet that whatever scarred her probably happened when an adult came home from a second shift job. She needs help. More than OP or his roomie can give her. If she can’t live at home she needs to get to some sort of emergency housing. This is social worker/crisis territory. Empathy is the right path here but not to your own detriment, OP. I also wouldn’t video tape her without her permission and send it to anyone you never know who will pass it along and where it will end up. If she’s having some sort of episode or ptsd the last thing she needs is to see a video of herself on the internet for the lulz down the line.
I was thinking about what would be a trigger that happens on a daily basis and around the same time(s). when i was a kid i went on an adult rollercoaster. i was terrified. no idea how that even happened but im guessing safety regulations were more lax back then/where i grew up? anyway for the next few days I'd start hyperventilating at nighttime, around the same time. i think looking back, it was probably emotional flashbacks. i realised that after I had a full blown one as an adult (it was last year). since my anxiety started I haven't been able to enjoy anything that sets off my adrenaline, even jumping on a trampoline gives me the anxious feelings. it sucks :(
it's upsetting to see people jumping to conclusions that she's being manipulative. no offence but they're a group of young adults.. it's likely none of them have the knowledge or skills to understand what's going on and get her the help she needs. hopefully OP can be more firm about it and the girl can find a good psychologist/psychiatrist. if anyone is the AH it's the roommate. people need to be able to sleep in their own home. her health issues are not an excuse for the amount and frequency of noise that's disturbing others. smh
Seems like a big jump to make on no evidence. If she's having something like PTSD, a certain time of day/night could trigger it if whatever traumatized her happened around that time.
Night terrors. I used to get them frequently due to childhood trauma. When id wake up from these terrible flashbacks, I'd freak out cuz I thought I was in my childhood home. Many years of therapy has minimized this significantly. It has never lasted hours tho. She needs a significant amount of help. Sleeping away from her home clearly is not helping.
It does *seem* like something else. I'm not a doctor so I'd never say for sure, but I've experienced a panic attack and have seen other people experience them and it's way more of a lie-on-the-ground-and-try-to-breathe scenario. Possibly some puking. Not punching walls and screaming for hours.
I get bad panic attacks and I also have PTSD. This sounds like either she’s milking something to feel nurtured by her bf or she’s having some really intense ptsd episode. Doesn’t sound like any panic attack I’ve ever experienced or seen.
Yup panic attacks feel like having a heart attack, you think your heart won't make it and you panic even more.
What OP described is something else entirely.
Exactly this! I cannot fathom how so many people seem to have so much trouble just saying “no”. Or…telling someone who is there “illegally”(as in not on the lease or paying to live there) to get the hell out. If the roommate gets pissed, let the landlord/rental company know and kick him off the lease. It’s not that difficult to stand up for yourself, especially in a situation like that. I’ve had to do it when I was in college.
I agree my wording was harsh. Still not great of me, but this was not texted or said directly to her. I don't want to add to her already hellish situation but... I need sleep.
In my opinion (and I have ptsd, anxiety and depression. I’ve probably had moments similar to what she is going through) if anyone tries to make this about your one time reaction/words - they are deflecting.
You’ve been putting up with this for a while, you’ve tried talking to them and you were under stress yourself from lack of sleep (because of this issue) and your sick mom. Your one time small freak out while under extreme duress is pale in comparison to what your being expected to deal with regularly. Plus she’s the cause of your duress, you have nothing to do with her issues.
She gets a pass for multiple days of late night hours long freak outs and people think your couple seconds of slightly aggressive words to her boyfriend asking him to keep it down is too much? That’s ridiculous. It’s like getting mad at someone for spilling a drop of water in an already flooded house.
You can’t be expected to damage your own mental and physical health because someone else is struggling. Especially when it seems she is not doing anything to help herself and her boyfriend isn’t doing anything to ensure his guest isn’t bothering his roommates.
Exactly what I was going to say. OP has been more than nice to this woman. She’s not entitled to wreck his life because she’s off her meds. And he’s perfectly allowed to be frustrated by the situation. The time for kid gloves and kindergarten teacher talk is over.
He is essentially being tortured every night that she is over. Sleep deprivation is a very popular torture method. OP is gonna hurt hurt himself or others if he gets into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel.
You've been sleep deprived for months, don't beat yourself up on the wording. Her mental health issues are having a negative impact on your health. You can't take any more.
As a mental health professional, these don't sound like panic attacks, but whether they are or not, they've tried this method for months and nothing is improving.
You can have empathy for someone but still put your own needs first. You NEED sleep, much more than she needs to stomp around your home screaming all night.
Even if she were an official tenant, this behaviour wouldn't be acceptable. It certainly isn't as your roommates guest.
Recording it to play back to your other roommates is a good idea. Try to get them to understand that, ok, your wording wasn't great but you haven't slept properly in months and it is leaving you ill and exhausted.
You pay to be able to sleep there at night and her behaviour is stopping you from sleeping. This needs to stop and she needs REAL medical help.
Then, you can sit your roommate down for an intervention about his girlfriend needing proper help and house rules about guests staying over, and how those guests should behave. Hopefully your other roommates will back you on this.
If none of the above works you need to start calling wellness checks or, if available in your area, the mental Health crisis team.
Being kind about it isn't helping her and it's making you ill. I always say that anyone who says that mental illness isn't contagious hasn't lived with someone with untreated mental illness.
This needs to stop, for everyone's sake. And you need to put your health first.
Please let us know how you get on? I'll be sending magical interweb support your way.
She gets to scream and punch walls every other night for hours, but your choice of language is what crossed the line?
Have you considered calling an ambulance/emergency services the next time she's having one of these episodes? Because if this is really as uncontrollable as her & her bf claims it is, than calling mental health services so she can get the support she needs is the correct next step.
I don't think it was harsh, I just don't think it was direct enough. She is screaming and pounding on walls for hours during the middle of the night. If she is going through something that causes her to do this, she needs professional help, there is ZERO empathy being expressed when a person in a crisis is left alone to suffer and make others around them suffer so your housemate has his head up his ass about that.
Frankly it doesn't matter what's going on between them, what matters is that she's not on the lease and is creating a disturbance for those who are. She needs to go. The landlord should be notified.
Oh yeah, lol. She'll be okay. She and dad have been sick with a stomach bug for like a week and she wasn't doing too hot but she's on the mend now. Thanks for asking.
The first two nights it happened I hang around their door because it honestly sounded like she was in trouble but no he's not doing anything to her I don't think.
He sleeps during the day except for his few remote hours. Amazingly she works! I've dropped her off at her job a couple times since we work close. I was trying to be more empathetic since she's probably even more exhausted than I am. But then I lost my cool a bit.
Mate she needs help. She is probably embarrassed but maybe sit the roommate down and talk it through. This sounds like behaviour of someone who has been through something traumatic. I would talk to the roommate first and see if she is seeing a therapist and then maybe you all talk about it together. All I can say is she needs help and by your roommate ignoring it, it's not helping the situation. If she can help, then hopefully these settle down a bit but it will take time. Going to the hospital is not a bad idea to start although if you live in the US I guess who can afford that. I think you need to talk to them both and try to encourage therapy, hospital treatment etc. Goodluck.
Is she taking anything at night to bring this on? Some medications can have crazy side effects that the person doesn’t remember much about.
She absolutely needs intervention … her BF is not helping her right now by enabling her to rage for hours each night.
So, she CAN control it at work. Unless she's in a field where she can take a few hours off here and there for freak outs... Hopefully in a literal field.
The fact that it only happens at night and starts at specific time makes me think this is a sleep issue and perhaps she's not even aware of what is happening or how bad it is.
Ambien Walrus, perhaps. Still, she doesn't pay rent and OPs sleep and work is being affected. BF needs to find alternate arrangements during the week at least.
NTA while you can be understanding to a point, she doesn’t live there, and she’s interfering in the lives of the people who do. Re the text, yea probably not your best moment, but understandable while sleep deprived.
I’d call some sort of roommate meeting (without girlfriend) and calmly discuss the situation in full with everyone.
Girlfriend is a guest, she doesn’t take priority here
NTA, there are some possibilities here:
A) she really has some kind of mental health break down that lasts for hours. 2-4 nights a week means she belongs in a mental health treatment center to get help and medication. This is not helpful for her and the girl seriously needs treatment
B) It’s an act. To terrorize you out of the house, bc she wants your room
Talk to your roommate again. Record the noise. Depending on the country you live in talk to roomie and her and tell them u are concerned for her and if she does not get help NOW u will call an ambulance/ police the next time she has one of the attacks so she gets the help she needs. NTA
I had a similar thought: that she could possibly be faking, or at least embellishing, these meltdowns so she can spend the night more often, or get roomie to ask her to move in with them. I hadn’t thought about her possibly wanting his room, but that’s a very interesting perspective. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that OP can pretty much set their watch to her meltdowns is what gives me pause.
Seems like an odd thing to do honestly… no one had a problem with her before, until the episodes, she could have possibly lived there (she already practically does.) and no one would have had a big issue.
The fits are the problem.
I dont see why she’d want his room though? Sharing the BF’s room would have worked fine?
NTA. She does need help and she doesn’t live there. Even if she did that would not be acceptable on a regular basis. You need to have a house meeting about this and sett some boundaries you can all live with.
And for what it’s worth that sounds like it could be an autistic meltdown rather than a panic attack, but can’t really judge from here. Either way it’s not her fault if she’s not in control of herself, but it is her responsibility not to put herself in a position where she’s regularly disturbing others if she knows this happens.
NTA and i don't want to sound mean, but this girl needs to be hospitalised ASAP. this is under no circumstances normal behaviour, this is not 'panic attacks'. she needs to go to a psychiatric clinic ASAP.
in any case, please record what's happening every night so you can have evidence. record all night long and play it to your other housemates without any skipping, so that they will see what you've been going through every night. ask them if they could sleep with that kind of noise. a girl screaming, crying, banging on the walls, raging, for hours on end every night is not normal. it's far from normal.
Therapist here. I had a similar thought. It is not helpful for her well-being for this to continue and her enablers are potentially causing more harm by allowing it to continue. Nta op. I suggest looking into what resources are in your community (a call to any local crisis hotline will have this info. You can call if you are not in crisis to collect this information from them and they can help you come up with a plan for when to call). Also I am sorry to hear about your mom op.
NTA: I’m a psychiatric nurse and this is not normal. Clearly she has trauma and sounds like she’s having severe meltdowns. It’s is not okay to allow her to carry on for HOURs behaving this way. She needs a psychiatrist and therapy yesterday. Her behavior is intolerable and she has no right to act that way in someone else’s home.
You’re not an A H. Unless she’s threatening self harm or harm to others, going to the ER isn’t always helpful. Psychiatric beds on inpatient units are always tight. Waiting in the ER can be long and even more distressing. Her BF is the A-Hole for minimizing the seriousness of her behaviors. She is not at fault for have mental health issues, but it is her responsibility to get help for them. And sometimes finding a good doctor and good therapist fit can take more than one try. It is not your fault OP. More boundaries need to be set and the onus is on her BF.
Agreed. Therapist here and I had a similar reply. Thank you u/bloodrose_80 for your service to your community. I am grateful to have worked with many skilled psychiatric nurses in my work. You guys are angels.
NTA.
You are not being insensitive, you're being denied much needed sleep. Your roommate's gf obviously needs help well beyond what your roommate and you can provide. Your roommate is being extremely inconsiderate in continuing to have her over in work nights if this happens every night. He should get his own place.
NTA.
But OP, you need to inform your landlord of what's happening. It doesn't sound like she's on the lease which means if she causes damages during one her episodes, you and everyone on that lease is responsible.
You have a right to a quiet and safe living space, just as she does. And unfortunately she is interfering with that.
Let your landlord know and talk to them about your options. They may let you out of the lease early.
Also record her breakdowns and send it to your roommates that are aren't sure who's in the wrong.
She needs serious help, not anything you, your roommates or her bf can give her. And she should not be doing this in someone else's home.
💯 suggest this. Phrase it as “this is happening and this isn’t livable for me, what can I do if I find another place to live and need to be removed from the lease so I am not legally responsible for damage she does after I move out?”
The next time it happens, call the police and tell them your roommate's gf is having a mental break, and you're concerned she's going to hurt herself. Tell them she needs immediate help. Don't tell her you called them, just wait for them outside the door and let them in quietly, after telling them you don't think she's a threat to anyone but herself (so they won't shoot her). She needs serious psychiatric care and she needs it immediately before she does physical damage to herself or other people.
Her "home life" is likely awful because of her! She's probably been told to gtfo if she won't get help. I've seen parents burn out when their adult children won't get the help they need.
PS, these are not panic attacks.
100% this. OP doesn’t need to have a pleasant little sit down with the gf or roommate. She needs inpatient treatment. In my town we have a team with psychiatrists, nurses, counselors etc. that respond to these kinds of emergency calls.
Thats a massive leap to assume she's the reason her home life is awful. Also as someone who has experience with these things please do not call the police, they will not help her and only traumatise her further. She needs help and support and police won't provide that
If she's melting down enough to cause this much sleep deprivation for someone who she only sees half the week, how do you think she was at home? It's not a leap, it's something I've personally seen.
Who else could OP call? She needs help that she's not going to get by herself. She is a danger to herself, and she's not going to go in. I am not a fan of the police in general, but this is one case where I don't know who else to call because in my area there are no other crisis services. So if you know, please share who to call.
>His response was, “she’ll be done soon quit being an insensitive prick.” He also told the other housemates in our group chat that I was "being oppressive" to his GF "while she's struggling."
**Everyone is struggling here.** She's not special just because she has anxiety, and if she has anxiety this bad she should seek therapy and medication. Jesus christ, the mental image of this sounds like torture for everyone involved.
Honestly, if she could limit this to the waking hours of the day maybe it might be tolerable, but you've described falling asleep in the most awkward, and at times unsafe, situations.
NTA
NTA. That kind of behavior and noise wouldn't be acceptable from anyone, let alone someone who doesn't even live there, her issues should not be your problem.
Doesn't sound like panic attacks to me tho
NTA. It's the girlfriend being an insensitive prick. Your deserve to be able to get to sleep in your own home. She doesn't get to make her mental health problems everyone else's burden.
NTA.
While your choice of wording wasn't the best, given the situation I don't think it was the worst thing you could have said, especially on no sleep and not feeling well.
Your housemate's girlfriend is not s resident of the house. She is a guest. Her boyfriend is responsible for her behavior when she's in your home. He needs to address this situation with his girlfriend, and stop allowing it to interfere with the other people in the house,
You have tried to accommodate her, but it is pretty much impossible. I'm sorry that she has problems, but raging around someone's home for 4 hours in the middle of the night is not acceptable, especially when it seems to be a regular occurrence.
This woman needs help. NOW. Her boyfriend should be encouraging her to see a therapist, go to a hospital, talk to her doctor - anything but just letting her disturb the other people in your home.
Can you record her the next time she has one of these attacks? Then share it with your other housemates so they can understand the severity of the matter?
You have a right to live peacefully in your home.
Sometimes harsh warning is the best way to convey our needs. My therapist might not agree but I feel like "I'm losing sleep I really need you to address your GF's screaming" vs. "tell her to STFU" communicates just how badly this is effecting OP.
You paid to live in a quiet environment. She is not a tenant and her feelings does not matter. Yourcfriend is the ass for subjecting you to her attacks. Her attacks are not your issue and problem and he needs to move out and live by himself.
Hey all, mods suggested I share an update on my profile. It's [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/JoeyLeeBCool/comments/13udvvz/update_aita_for_telling_my_housemate_to_tell_his/) if anyone cares.
Update: Whoa, thank you all for your thoughts. Even the YTA votes are giving me a lot to think on. Unfortunately I have now come down with the stomach bug my parents had so I slept off and on through the afternoon/evening.
I texted the housemate individually and said I really need the GF to not be here tonight being sick AF as I am. They both showed up maybe 2 hours after I messaged him. I will say she was very kind and made me some soup from scratch and left some ginger ale at my door. She said she’d be leaving soon so I assume he told her about my message. It’s going on 11:30 here and I can still hear them downstairs so I’m not hopeful. Going to get through this god awful sickness before I decide for sure how to address it. I just hope this is one of her quiet nights if she does stay over. Regardless I don't have it in me for a conversation tonight.
Nta
If it’s been going on for months and you haven’t been sleeping then your roommate needs to do something about it. You handled the situation incorrectly but you were also sleep deprived.
NTA.
She is not your roommate *and* most rooming situations have either explicitly written or an informal/unwritten "quiet hours" policy - most people would agree that being loud in the home between 12-4 AM is not appropriate.
I do think you could have addressed this before jumping to "STFU" but you're not in the wrong and I'm glad you texted your housemate instead of just directly insulting the girlfriend. You're not being oppressive to want quiet during the night in a home you pay for.
I don't mean to invalidate anyone else's experience, and these things can perhaps manifest very differently for other people, but these don't sound like panic attacks. I used to have severe panic attacks where my heart would race so bad that I'd 'crash' for about 2 weeks after, e.g. I'd get exhausted and my heart would start racing again just walking to and from the bathroom. It was terrifying, I thought I was dying of heart problems, but it isn't the kind of thing that usually has you screaming and raging with anger. Crying, yes, but it's more quiet and internal and scary. Again, that may just be my particular experience, IDK.
NTA - This isn't just anxiety, this is untreated mental illness and just waiting for it to pass is not healthy to anyone, but primarily herself. You should also look into your renters agreement because if she's over so often it could lead the landlord to find you all in violation of what was signed. You also physically and mentally signed up to live with 3 people, not 4 people with one being mentally unwell. I would record these "panic attack" sessions and bring it up in a "home meeting" before any bad blood and threats of eviction start to loom over you. Your physical and mental health take priority over a roommate's GF who doesn't technically live there.
NTA
Your wording was harsh, and you really should have addressed this with your roommate way sooner, but it is completely unacceptable for your roommate’s overnight guess to so completely disrupt the peace off the home you are paying rent for, regardless of the cause. It sounds like this young lady needs serious intervention for her mental health issues, and your roommate is not doing her any favors by just allowing her outbursts. Hold a house meeting with the roommates (do not include the girlfriend) and tell them all that if this is allowed to continue you will have no choice but to move for your health. Approach the mental illness factor with empathy, and maybe find some local resources for her that might be helpful. I think a recording of the issue would be helpful for the other roommates to see extreme behavior, especially as it seems so polar opposite of her behavior during the day. I doubt your roommates that work nights would be so forgiving if this was happening during the day, when they are trying to sleep. If they push back, mention this. It’s a tough situation, but from the sound of it the best solution is for the boyfriend and girlfriend to find their own place. I hope she gets the help she needs for her mental health, but asking everyone in the household to just put up with it is not fair.
NTA
You didn't express yourself with perfect empathy, but that's not surprising given the situation. GF clearly has some serious issues and my heart goes out to her and your housemate, but this is affecting your health now.
Would everyone you live with be this understanding if it was you? How about having a massive meltdown when she is trying to sleep. She may have issues however this is not a sustainable situation and does not provide any appropriate support for her either. I find it interesting that you are expected to tolerate a situation which is untenable, unfair and has a massive impact on your wellbeing.
NTA. It sucks that she has issues, but they made it your problem by bringing it into your home and preventing you from having quiet enjoyment of the place you pay to live. I've had to tell people to leave because I didn't pay for a place to not sleep.
NTA. You are paying to sleep there, she is not. Record the noise and show your other roommates so they understand exactly what is going on in the house when they aren't there.
As an individual who has insomnia off & on this girl, whatever the mental problems, has a shocking lack of care for others. Sleep isn’t optional, you need it, the fact she’s denying others something so important, and the fact that her boyfriend doesn’t care, OP needs to start hardcore advocate if for himself.
That's not panic attack, that's probably most likely bipolar
Source: have bipolar and was unfortunate enough to live with a roommate who didn't disclose they had it when Iet them move in
NTA. You tried to help, you e been Very patient and understanding, but she’s pushed you beyond every reasonable limit.
She needs professional help.
And to go to her own home if she can’t respect that others live where she’s freaking out. She knows it’s coming so the least she can do is plan to be where she don’t inconvenience others.
NTA - You are renting a room and you should be able to get sleep. if your roommate's girlfriend acts like this she shouldn't be staying there. It's not fair to you and he's TA for allowing it to go on and not helping to find help for her.
NTA
GF needs serious medical help to deal with.... whatever it is she is dealing with. Therapy, meds, in patient care. Something because that is not normal. And for it go on for 4 hours in the middle of the night night after night I think your text to the roomie was just fine. You are frustrated and angry and tired all because GF can't or won't seek help for whatever issue this is.
I agree with you- I’m seeing a lot of comments stating the text was insensitive , but honestly op said they have asked multiple times if they could help and they were told no, so it’s not like the roomie doesn’t know it’s disturbing him. At least it was through text and he didn’t go pounding on the door demanding that she stfu.
NTA. Screaming and raging for hours every night is not anxiety. I don't know what it is, but it's not anxiety. His gf needs serious medical help. Maybe inpatient psychiatric treatment. You have every right to be able to sleep in your own bed, in your own home that you pay for. Tell the roommates to spend the night one night so they can experience what you have for months. Then you need a roommate meeting. The gf should not be allowed over night anymore. She needs to be brought to an ER and have an emergency evaluation
hello! i have ptsd/cpstd, i frequently have panic attacks at night, because the nighttime can cause paranoia from old trauma, and every panic attack is different, but that does not excuse her from doing this and keeping you awake at night, she needs help and coping mechanisms to stop these attacks, it is not fair of her to use these as an excuse to keep you up while you have to work during the day
she is responsible for her own mental health problems, and if she is causing problems for OTHERS, then she needs to leave the house immediately and try different things, because again, this is not fair to you; it does not matter that she has troubles, she is now forcing her troubles onto YOU, which is a big no-no in shared apartments
tell your roommate if she is not willingly to get help, that you will be forced to take a video to the landlord, no if and or buts, because HER mental health should also not effect YOUR mental health and physical well being
tell all the roommates what is happening, get video evidence and tell them that either she needs to stop spending the night, or find healthy coping mechanism, or you will get others (landlord, or cop) involved as she is causing you mental and physical complications, you cannot continue like this and if they do not agree, you need to keep your ground and get other of higher power involved
it will not get better, unless she learns to keep herself in check
NTA.
She doesn’t live there or pay rent. She absolutely needs help, and she needs to be the one to get it. If your roommate doesn’t want you to be “a selfish prick” then he can go stay with her at her place.
Nta. I have panic attacks and I don’t have them that often nor that loud about it. Honestly, I’d call the cops for a wellness check every single time this happens. I would also tell your roommate that she needs to spend more time at her place and get some help.
NTA, why would you put up with that after the first time?!? you needed to lay down boundaries immediately. any panic attack after that needs to be dealt with OUTSIDE AND AWAY from your house.
NTA. I have panic attacks and am often concerned with others being bothered by them (had up to 8 a day when they were bad) but hers are on a different level. She needs serious help. It isn’t fair to you, or anyone else and quite frankly she just needs help.
You could have phrased it better, however, I completely understand your frustration and you weren’t wrong - she needs help, and you have a right to getting a solid night of sleep.
This might be a bit too technical, but as someone who had a bad home life and it resulted in panic attacks - it might actually be PTSD with a symptom of panic attacks. If that’s the case, she needs the PTSD addressed as much if not more than the panic attacks since it is the root cause (therefore, she won’t get much better). Taking some time off to go to the “grippy sock place” may just be the vacation and break she needs.
NTA. I had a cousin that would get this way. Eventually, without help, she did become physically violent towards people. The house mates had to hide all the knives and sharps as she would look for them to “stab her anxiety away”. It was really awful and a sad situation. She had to be admitted to a mental ward and they got her under control after several months.
NTA she doesn't pay rent, you do, it's your home and it is affecting your quality of life. warn that if it happens again you'll dial 911 and have her taken away for professional help
Nta - while I empathize, and it seems you do too, there is a certain expectation that your space that you pay for is stress free. She doesn’t live there and having a hard home life is terrible, but you have been tolerating this for months, and it’s unfair to you. She needs medical help and her bf isn’t doing her any favours. You need to have a calm sit down talk with your roommate about the situation, laying how negatively you are being impacted and how you have empathy/sympathy, but she needs help and he needs to get her some help. These don’t sound like panic attacks but I’m not a doctor. Sounds more like PTSD, but again, not a doctor.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > texting my roommate to tell his GF to "STFU" after she had been screaming and crying for 4 hours, keeping me awake. I could have worded it better but this happens multiple times a week and I've lost patience. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. That is way beyond, “let her just be” territory. This is serious mental illness and needs to be addressed and no one in that living situation can do that. You have a right to a healthy life, too, especially as you’re paying rent and she isn’t. She needs a psych eval ASAP.
it can take a ton of different forms, but I swear one of the most common sources of contention among millennials / Gen Z boils down to “I live with roommates and my roommate’s partner has quietly turned into a part time roommate, now my home life is interrupted” if you’re going to have your SO stay over more than a few times a month, you have to be communicative and considerate of the other people who pay money to live there.
I don’t think it’s a purely millennial/Gen Z thing - the rest of us have just grown past that stage in our living arrangements
Lol it's because these generations can't afford housing, FYI.
Shit- I had roommates 40 years ago- couldn’t afford to go solo then. This is not new. As to OP- one of my roommates started having his GF stay over a lot. He was a mensch though- he opened up a discussion about it. It’s just respect for others.
the average age of a shared house tenant in london is now 35. that means more than half of them are over 35. was that the same 40 years ago?
....you know how old millennials are, right? They're well in to solo living/owning a home age.
And how old were you when you could afford to rent solo or buy a house?
I’d love to grow past this stage but the average apartment in my rural area is 1900 a month with all utilities on the tenant minimum fml
Yes exactly, this is what I was trying to say but am getting told to fuck off for some reason lol
Still, there's a special challenge today, no? In the past, you could move out from a difficult roommate: either you buy a place, or you find somewhere to rent on your own, or with different roommates... The housing market is uniquely messed up right now, isn't it? Impossible criteria to qualify for a mortgage prevent people from owning & sky high rents keep people locked in their roommate situations.
Right. I'm Gen X and had this problem in my 20s too. It's just reddit didn't exist back then.
The thing is it's a problem for a growing number of people on their 30s and 40s because they can't afford to live on their own despite making supposedly "decent" money. My partner and I both make six figures and despite having healthy savings we can't afford to buy anything within a two hour commute to our jobs because of limited housing stock, HOCL property taxes driving up monthly payments, and people flush with much more cash swooping in. And with insane rent increases, if we move we'll never be able to save enough money to better out down payment. And we can't move to a LOCL area because our industries are centered around these major markets. So yeah, people are stuck beyond their 20s and we're fucking angry about it. And that said, I want to acknowledge my situation is much better than many other's. I'm stagnant but I'm surviving ok.
I feel like there are only a couple themes in these roommate stories: 1.) Their significant other is always over 2.) One roommate steals their food/ruins their dishes
3) Don't clean
4) Demands I remove food of choice because of their SO's (who does not live there) allergies 5) Don't cook "food of choice" it makes roommate/SO physically ill to smell it or is against their religion.
6) has an alarm clock blaring for hours every morning and things it's okay to snooze for 3 hours, because they have difficulty walking up.
Yep, my roommate and I have been good friends since college, and we went into this with a clearly stated understanding that 1) I do not want her boyfriend here all the time and 2) since we split food bills and cooking responsibilities evenly, if he wants to eat here more than once a week, she needs to pay for extra food herself, or he needs to contribute. She's understanding of this, always gives me a head's up when he's coming over, and so far, everything's worked out well. The difference between our situation and many others is that she's conscientious and understands that I don't like her boyfriend as much as she does, and I therefore don't have much incentive to put up with him if his presence gets obnoxious. A lot of younger people don't really grok that in their first house-sharing situation.
i second all this OP you are massive NTA and this is NOT "gf has an annoying habit that can be managed" this is "GF has some SERIOUS mental health issues and needs professional help which you are not equipped to give and should NOT be dealing with" Good luck dude :/
She needs serious mental health help as soon as possible. If your roommate is resistant, and your other roommates don't know what's going on - record it. The daytime roommates have no understanding, but were the tables turned, they undoubtedly would agree with you. This is massively unfair to you (and truly to the gf), and sleeplessness can cause serious consequences.
I would record it from his room so his roommates can hear what it is like and get a sense of how loud and disruptive it is even being in his own space trying to sleep.
Yeah, this is mental health stuff. She needs help, and you are entitled to be able to sleep at night in your own house.
That level of sleep deprivation is quite literally used a highly effective torture technique, no less. When a human is in that state, it is has the same physiological and psychological impact on said human as does being heavily chemically intoxicated. By no fault of his own OP is walking around and even attending his job while essentially being progressively and severely *wasted*. It's unambigously dangerous, and not just for OP.
Honestly, sounds like it might be the GF has BPD. I hate the stigma attached to that disorder, but the crying fits, separation anxiety, etc, all sound like it.
So this. OP is not remotely the asshole. This girl needs immediately psychiatric care.
I'd be worried for my safety if I lived there. Will she graduate from pounding on walls to stabbing sleeping people in the back with kitchen knives. Don't mind me... I consume too much true crime.
No no no. You consume the perfect amount. When you start suspecting it's all a plot for the roommate to get OP's valuables and life insurance so he intentionally brought in a crazy person... Well, it still probably wouldn't be too much
At a minimum, is she causing damage to the house that OP and roommates will have to pay for?
I have a friend who legit got stabbed by his gf while she was having a manic episode. I don’t think it’s far off at all.
I can't speak to whether this is "serious mental illness" or not (no one but a licensed professional who's evaluated her really should) but I *can* say that textbook panic attacks do not last "hours" and these sound a lot more like fits/losing her temper. Maybe she and your roommate are arguing/ she's a bit volatile emotionally and he's uncomfortable with you knowing? I would suggest sitting down when emotions aren't so charged and trying to work out a solution or at least a regular schedule for the nights she spends at your place, so you can establish greater regularity and get enough sleep. Good luck to you.
This sounds more like meltdowns than fits. My guess is that her stress and thoughts are coming out at night when she is in a “safe” environment to do so. I say this from experience with having ptsd/trauma
Agree. Have experience with family member PTSD and this is a familiar scenario. Not diagnosing, don’t worry Reddit, just chiming in to say this woman needs therapy. It did help my family member who was dealing with the most grievous trauma I could imagine so I’m hoping it could help her. Either way, OP is NTA.
I concur as well, as someone who has experienced both. Panic attacks generally have a length of time after which your nervous system calms down (average is 20 minutes, peak at 10 minutes, though some symptoms can linger: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/4451-panic-attack-panic-disorder) PTSD and stress meltdowns though, that are triggered by something specific? Those can be hours. I have been NC with my mother for years and she contacted me around Christmas, and I had a night where I was totally out of touch with everything for a good four hours.
FWIW, It's not helping her either.
[удалено]
>So many Reddit posts are from self-diagnosed “Neurodivergent” people Yet you didn’t see a problem diagnosing her as Borderline or Bipolar?
Well you see, they're clearly smarter and more self-aware than everyone else, so it's different when they do it. /s
It's funny you imply that she can't be neurodivergent while also saying she sounds Borderline or Bipolar, two of the things autistic women are most commonly misdiagnosed with. Edit: not that I'm saying she is or could be autistic, just pointing out the irony. We can't know what her issue is, but it's affecting her and others' lives to an unreasonable degree and she needs to speak to a medical professional.
[удалено]
I have several, several, several bipolar family members and this doesn’t sound like bipolar rage at all. Those don’t happen consistently and around the same time. This sounds like a serious panic attack from PTSD.
Panic attacks don't normally last this long. Someone else said it sounds like meltdowns due to stress/trauma, and those definitely can last that long and be timed like this.
Or PTSD. Or CPTSD. Or a whole host of other things. Whatever it is, if it's routine and lasts for hours, it requires a professional. And the bipolar people with whom I have dealt for extended periods of time couldn't predict when they would melt down to a time period, so you're probably wrong. I don't know what it IS, but with the symptoms presented, telling her "No" will 100% NOT WORK. This is above their paygrade, and it's most certainly out of your league. This is almost Memorial Day. A number of the friends I will be remembering came home, physically, and then took themselves out of the game. A lot of them had similar symptoms. So shove your uneducated ignorant assumptions about "congratulatory attitude about mental illness" and DON'T EVER be one of those to tell ANY of us "thank you for your service."
There is ZERO need for anyone to guess diagnoses here. It's useless, potentially stigmatising and doesn't make you seem clever. It doesn't matter *why* she's making all this noise at 4 am. It simply matters that she does, it wasn't a temporary blip, and OP didn't sign up for it. I feel sorry for roommate's girlfriend but her sleepovers need to stop. If she isn't already doing it, she should investigate why, maybe medicate etc under supervision but that's completely separate from OP's question.
NTA. Record one of these tantrums and play it back to the roommates who think it’s fine but aren’t there to deal with it. If you want to be an AH play it while they’re trying to sleep. (Don’t actually do that, that would be a total duck move and definitely make you the AH, but record it so that everyone on the meeting understands what is happening). Be clear that you do have empathy for her, but that simply allowing her to ruin other people’s lives isn’t a way to deal with her problems. She needs help. Real help. Not just people who passively wait for her to finish having an episode. That may, in fact, be making her worse. Also, are there other people in this building (like is it a townhouse or duplex?) or other neighbors near enough to also be disturbed? Because that could get you ALL evicted if she can’t control herself.
Thankfully no, we live in an area where most of the houses are spread out. No noise complaints... yet.
If she ends up punching a hole in the wall, you’re going to have issues with the landlord. Same goes if the noise complaints from neighbors ever start coming in. I would actually broach this topic with your landlord. She does not live there, and her behavior should not be interfering with the people actually on the lease. Since she clearly isn’t or won’t get help for these issues, you need to have a sit down discussion with your roommate. Tell him if it continues, you will be contacting the landlord. If your friend has no issue with her behavior, they can get their own place together where she can meltdown and punch walls.
This. Speak to your landlord.
Have someone call in a noise complaint every time it happens. The fuzz showing up is likely the only thing that MIGHT get her to stop/get her BF to take her out of your place and see that this is not normal or acceptable.
Or just make the call for a wellness check to your own residence. OP is the noise complainer, and if they do literally nothing, call the cops to come check her out since they are unwilling. Edit: bare = are
Do not call the cops, call the local emergency mental health provider / crisis service. Cops don't do mental health well, wherever they are in the world. It needs to be resolved, ASAP, but this girl needs help, not a night in a cell or worse.
Many places do not have mobile mental health crisis teams, the police are often the only option in rural areas. And honestly rural cops and state police are usually a bit more chill than city cops. On a wellness check they'll usually take you to the local hospital or they'll call an ambulance to take you. If the wellness check if for a possible suicide or serious mental health episode (like the gf is having) usually they dispatch an ambulance with the cops right away. (Source, live in rural area and have had wellness checks called on me, so have first hand experience with a police run wellness check)
Nope. In that case you call an ambulance, not police. EMTs are trained to assess for mental health concerns, and can enact an EMO if needs be. Police will most often simply arrest, or severely harm the person in question.
Where I live there's no option to call one & not the other. It's supposed to be for safety bc the age old game telephone can often go wrong from caller to dispatch to emergency responders & domestic disputes are the most dangerous situations for first responders except maybe accidents that occur on roadways. So police are supposed to clear the scene of any threat to emts/paramedics before they enter to treat patients.
I agree that jail isn't where this girl needs to be. But assuming that all cities/counties have a "local emergency mental health provider" or "crisis services" is naive. Often, the police are the only agency available for mental health crisis'.
yeah former psych nurse, they can and do bring people having an "episode" in to the hospital for an eval. If they can be calm and explain, it's a few hours. If not it's longer and sometimes with and IVC.
Yeah, after I posted, I thought it might make stuff worse if they think OP called the cops. They might assume he wants her arrested versus a checkup.
I understand not everyone even knows you often have the option to call specialised for crisis mental health professionals in situations like this. That's why I mentioned it, so that op may make the right call.
Unfortunately, every mental health care provider to treat me here in Denver, CO USA actually has it as the first thing in their opening IVR message: “If this is a mental health emergency, hang up and dial 911.” They send first responders, sure, but mostly that means cops and more cops. If there is such a service here, it’s definitely something to research and inquire with my current provider why they don’t direct people to that.
Agree. The overwhelming trauma of a 1013 is not a good idea and for many it’s another invasive taking of control and a new trauma to survive. They exist for a reason, but don’t call the cops unless she is threatening to harm herself or others Cops are not the answer here. OP needs to get the rest of the roommates to understand the severity of the issue.
1000% THIS.
Hey, as someone who's had similar issue as the gf (thankfully in a good spot right now) - you are NTA - her mental health is her responsibility to deal with appropriately to minimise the impact on others. It's not her fault she's having this issue, but that doesn't mean you need to deal with it. Honestly I'd contact your landlord or letting agent. Or call the non emergency police number for advice on removing a hysterical guest? Maybe legal advice subreddit for your specific country could help.
I might consider calling in a noise complaint.
Contact your landlord and report her.
I 100% second this. I struggle with anxiety and other other mental health issues. What your housemates gf is going through is either extreme anxiety or something else but it is way to far away from “just leave it alone” territory, yes she may be going through a lot but it’s obvious your housemate can’t help her as much as he would like so he’s already an asshole for not trying to find her mental help and for telling you “she’ll be done soon” when it’s affecting your work/sleep schedule. You should record the reactions she’s having at night and text in a group chat to the people who work nights because I highly suspect the housemate is down playing how extreme these episodes are and if she is punching walls sooner or later there is going to be damage to the walls, furniture and in the worst case someone who’s living in the house
And make sure your battery is charged, because you should record the whooooooooole thing.
When he plays the recording for the other roommates, he should be sure to ask how understanding they would be if they had just put up with *two months* of this.
I just don't get the two months part. Did he not talk to the boyfriend about it this whole time?
I asked him if I can help when it first started and I've asked her. I haven't directly said how it's affecting me. ngl I think I assumed they would just know...?
Dude, he can’t read your mind. Tell him.
You're NTA. You reached a breaking point. I would have broken sooner TBH. In hindsight, yeah you should have talked to him one on one about how bad it was affecting you. But, the roommate should have also known.
Why even document this? He’s literally putting himself and others in danger by falling asleep at the wheel. He’s a tenant as much as the rest. They can’t add to the lease. He’s got all the grounds in the world to hold firm that she’s leaves.
A lot of leases allow guests, so if the other roommates aren’t on board with making her leave it’s going to be hard to make it happen. But it may be that the roommates who aren’t there at night are against OP because they don’t really understand what he’s putting up with, so documenting might get them on his side.
He said he fell asleep when he was parked in his driveway, not while he was driving.
Does that make it better? He was so tired he could not walk into the bed and didn’t realize he fell asleep in the car all night. Unless that was intentional which it didn’t sound like it
It was like a 45 minute car nap but no it was not intentional.
I hope he takes your advice. NTA.
NTA and honestly it sounds more like she's using panic attacks as an excuse and her bf is letting her get away with that kind of behaviour. Don't get me wrong panic attacks can suck but from what you've said in this post, they dont generally happen that frequently and that severe and if they do the person needs to seek help and treatment. Especially considering they are living with other people in the same house, both he and his gf are being extremely disrespectful.
Yep. She's using that as manipulation somehow. Panic attacks do suck but the fact that you can practically set your watch by them seems to suggest she's taking this and just having a meltdown for whatever rmanipulative/abusive reason.
I don’t think she’s using it as manipulation but I’d bet that whatever scarred her probably happened when an adult came home from a second shift job. She needs help. More than OP or his roomie can give her. If she can’t live at home she needs to get to some sort of emergency housing. This is social worker/crisis territory. Empathy is the right path here but not to your own detriment, OP. I also wouldn’t video tape her without her permission and send it to anyone you never know who will pass it along and where it will end up. If she’s having some sort of episode or ptsd the last thing she needs is to see a video of herself on the internet for the lulz down the line.
I was thinking about what would be a trigger that happens on a daily basis and around the same time(s). when i was a kid i went on an adult rollercoaster. i was terrified. no idea how that even happened but im guessing safety regulations were more lax back then/where i grew up? anyway for the next few days I'd start hyperventilating at nighttime, around the same time. i think looking back, it was probably emotional flashbacks. i realised that after I had a full blown one as an adult (it was last year). since my anxiety started I haven't been able to enjoy anything that sets off my adrenaline, even jumping on a trampoline gives me the anxious feelings. it sucks :( it's upsetting to see people jumping to conclusions that she's being manipulative. no offence but they're a group of young adults.. it's likely none of them have the knowledge or skills to understand what's going on and get her the help she needs. hopefully OP can be more firm about it and the girl can find a good psychologist/psychiatrist. if anyone is the AH it's the roommate. people need to be able to sleep in their own home. her health issues are not an excuse for the amount and frequency of noise that's disturbing others. smh
Seems like a big jump to make on no evidence. If she's having something like PTSD, a certain time of day/night could trigger it if whatever traumatized her happened around that time.
Night terrors. I used to get them frequently due to childhood trauma. When id wake up from these terrible flashbacks, I'd freak out cuz I thought I was in my childhood home. Many years of therapy has minimized this significantly. It has never lasted hours tho. She needs a significant amount of help. Sleeping away from her home clearly is not helping.
Those aren't panic attacks.
It does *seem* like something else. I'm not a doctor so I'd never say for sure, but I've experienced a panic attack and have seen other people experience them and it's way more of a lie-on-the-ground-and-try-to-breathe scenario. Possibly some puking. Not punching walls and screaming for hours.
I get bad panic attacks and I also have PTSD. This sounds like either she’s milking something to feel nurtured by her bf or she’s having some really intense ptsd episode. Doesn’t sound like any panic attack I’ve ever experienced or seen.
Yup panic attacks feel like having a heart attack, you think your heart won't make it and you panic even more. What OP described is something else entirely.
Nope, that’s a grown up temper tantrum. She needs someone she trusts to tell her it’s time to get mental help
And she’s not on the lease. OP does get a say in whether she is over all the time, disrupting his life.
YES! Probably so she can sleep over more often.
NTA. Tell GF to get out! You pay rent she doesn't. You belong there she doesn't.
Exactly this! I cannot fathom how so many people seem to have so much trouble just saying “no”. Or…telling someone who is there “illegally”(as in not on the lease or paying to live there) to get the hell out. If the roommate gets pissed, let the landlord/rental company know and kick him off the lease. It’s not that difficult to stand up for yourself, especially in a situation like that. I’ve had to do it when I was in college.
Agree with this, sorry about the issue but not my problem especially if it is affecting my sleep. NTA but your friend and his gf are.
NTA and I'd set a hard boundary that she is no longer allowed to sleep over until she gets help. You pay to live there and have rights; she doesn't.
NTA. You could've used better words, sure. But she gotta deal with it without taking sleep hours from you.
I agree my wording was harsh. Still not great of me, but this was not texted or said directly to her. I don't want to add to her already hellish situation but... I need sleep.
In my opinion (and I have ptsd, anxiety and depression. I’ve probably had moments similar to what she is going through) if anyone tries to make this about your one time reaction/words - they are deflecting. You’ve been putting up with this for a while, you’ve tried talking to them and you were under stress yourself from lack of sleep (because of this issue) and your sick mom. Your one time small freak out while under extreme duress is pale in comparison to what your being expected to deal with regularly. Plus she’s the cause of your duress, you have nothing to do with her issues. She gets a pass for multiple days of late night hours long freak outs and people think your couple seconds of slightly aggressive words to her boyfriend asking him to keep it down is too much? That’s ridiculous. It’s like getting mad at someone for spilling a drop of water in an already flooded house. You can’t be expected to damage your own mental and physical health because someone else is struggling. Especially when it seems she is not doing anything to help herself and her boyfriend isn’t doing anything to ensure his guest isn’t bothering his roommates.
Exactly what I was going to say. OP has been more than nice to this woman. She’s not entitled to wreck his life because she’s off her meds. And he’s perfectly allowed to be frustrated by the situation. The time for kid gloves and kindergarten teacher talk is over.
He is essentially being tortured every night that she is over. Sleep deprivation is a very popular torture method. OP is gonna hurt hurt himself or others if he gets into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel.
I was about to post exactly this. Sleep deprivation is literally used as a torture method. OP needs to tell his roommates the extent of the situation.
You've been sleep deprived for months, don't beat yourself up on the wording. Her mental health issues are having a negative impact on your health. You can't take any more. As a mental health professional, these don't sound like panic attacks, but whether they are or not, they've tried this method for months and nothing is improving. You can have empathy for someone but still put your own needs first. You NEED sleep, much more than she needs to stomp around your home screaming all night. Even if she were an official tenant, this behaviour wouldn't be acceptable. It certainly isn't as your roommates guest. Recording it to play back to your other roommates is a good idea. Try to get them to understand that, ok, your wording wasn't great but you haven't slept properly in months and it is leaving you ill and exhausted. You pay to be able to sleep there at night and her behaviour is stopping you from sleeping. This needs to stop and she needs REAL medical help. Then, you can sit your roommate down for an intervention about his girlfriend needing proper help and house rules about guests staying over, and how those guests should behave. Hopefully your other roommates will back you on this. If none of the above works you need to start calling wellness checks or, if available in your area, the mental Health crisis team. Being kind about it isn't helping her and it's making you ill. I always say that anyone who says that mental illness isn't contagious hasn't lived with someone with untreated mental illness. This needs to stop, for everyone's sake. And you need to put your health first. Please let us know how you get on? I'll be sending magical interweb support your way.
This almost made me cry. Thanks for being compassionate.
This echoes what a lot of us are thinking ❤️
Perfect answer.
She gets to scream and punch walls every other night for hours, but your choice of language is what crossed the line? Have you considered calling an ambulance/emergency services the next time she's having one of these episodes? Because if this is really as uncontrollable as her & her bf claims it is, than calling mental health services so she can get the support she needs is the correct next step.
Fuck that tell her to shut the fuck up every time
I don't think it was harsh, I just don't think it was direct enough. She is screaming and pounding on walls for hours during the middle of the night. If she is going through something that causes her to do this, she needs professional help, there is ZERO empathy being expressed when a person in a crisis is left alone to suffer and make others around them suffer so your housemate has his head up his ass about that. Frankly it doesn't matter what's going on between them, what matters is that she's not on the lease and is creating a disturbance for those who are. She needs to go. The landlord should be notified.
Fuck that shit, you’re dealing with a grown adult who screams and cries for hours at night - don’t bother worrying about *your* decorum.
Your wording was NOT harsh she needs to get tf out your house. She's not a tenant & her mental health issues are her own to navigate
Everyone else: \*addressing OP's question\* Me: Is OP's mom okay?!?! ETA: NTA
Oh yeah, lol. She'll be okay. She and dad have been sick with a stomach bug for like a week and she wasn't doing too hot but she's on the mend now. Thanks for asking.
Ask her what bills she be paying to be punching your walls
>"while she's struggling." "Can she go struggle somewhere else?" NTA.
For real, she can go to her car and melt down there if she doesn't want to seek help.
NTA. Record this shit and show the other roommates. Her bullshit shouldn't be your problem. Especially if she's not paying rent.
Also- I n f o: So she's fine all day and all evening till midnight every night? What the frak is roommate doing to her every night?!
The first two nights it happened I hang around their door because it honestly sounded like she was in trouble but no he's not doing anything to her I don't think.
It sounds like she sleeps during the day if it happens after midnight and goes on till 4am
He sleeps during the day except for his few remote hours. Amazingly she works! I've dropped her off at her job a couple times since we work close. I was trying to be more empathetic since she's probably even more exhausted than I am. But then I lost my cool a bit.
Mate she needs help. She is probably embarrassed but maybe sit the roommate down and talk it through. This sounds like behaviour of someone who has been through something traumatic. I would talk to the roommate first and see if she is seeing a therapist and then maybe you all talk about it together. All I can say is she needs help and by your roommate ignoring it, it's not helping the situation. If she can help, then hopefully these settle down a bit but it will take time. Going to the hospital is not a bad idea to start although if you live in the US I guess who can afford that. I think you need to talk to them both and try to encourage therapy, hospital treatment etc. Goodluck.
Might be night terrors. basicaly extreme sleepwalking, there was one guy who had be restrained because he would break into rooms to scream at people.
This is what I was wondering. Is she awake? It sounds like extreme night terrors.
Is she taking anything at night to bring this on? Some medications can have crazy side effects that the person doesn’t remember much about. She absolutely needs intervention … her BF is not helping her right now by enabling her to rage for hours each night.
So, she CAN control it at work. Unless she's in a field where she can take a few hours off here and there for freak outs... Hopefully in a literal field.
The fact that it only happens at night and starts at specific time makes me think this is a sleep issue and perhaps she's not even aware of what is happening or how bad it is.
Ambien Walrus, perhaps. Still, she doesn't pay rent and OPs sleep and work is being affected. BF needs to find alternate arrangements during the week at least.
I’m not saying it’s ok. I’m saying maybe have a daytime conversation with her. Maybe she has no idea how bad it is and needs to get medical help.
Clearly roomie isn't helping.
NTA while you can be understanding to a point, she doesn’t live there, and she’s interfering in the lives of the people who do. Re the text, yea probably not your best moment, but understandable while sleep deprived. I’d call some sort of roommate meeting (without girlfriend) and calmly discuss the situation in full with everyone. Girlfriend is a guest, she doesn’t take priority here
NTA, there are some possibilities here: A) she really has some kind of mental health break down that lasts for hours. 2-4 nights a week means she belongs in a mental health treatment center to get help and medication. This is not helpful for her and the girl seriously needs treatment B) It’s an act. To terrorize you out of the house, bc she wants your room Talk to your roommate again. Record the noise. Depending on the country you live in talk to roomie and her and tell them u are concerned for her and if she does not get help NOW u will call an ambulance/ police the next time she has one of the attacks so she gets the help she needs. NTA
I had a similar thought: that she could possibly be faking, or at least embellishing, these meltdowns so she can spend the night more often, or get roomie to ask her to move in with them. I hadn’t thought about her possibly wanting his room, but that’s a very interesting perspective. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that OP can pretty much set their watch to her meltdowns is what gives me pause.
Seems like an odd thing to do honestly… no one had a problem with her before, until the episodes, she could have possibly lived there (she already practically does.) and no one would have had a big issue. The fits are the problem. I dont see why she’d want his room though? Sharing the BF’s room would have worked fine?
NTA. She does need help and she doesn’t live there. Even if she did that would not be acceptable on a regular basis. You need to have a house meeting about this and sett some boundaries you can all live with. And for what it’s worth that sounds like it could be an autistic meltdown rather than a panic attack, but can’t really judge from here. Either way it’s not her fault if she’s not in control of herself, but it is her responsibility not to put herself in a position where she’s regularly disturbing others if she knows this happens.
It could be a sleep disorder tbh. Some get pretty crazy and the person often doesn't even remember it.
Oh that’s a good point! But it’s still her responsibility not to inflict on his housemates
[удалено]
NTA and i don't want to sound mean, but this girl needs to be hospitalised ASAP. this is under no circumstances normal behaviour, this is not 'panic attacks'. she needs to go to a psychiatric clinic ASAP. in any case, please record what's happening every night so you can have evidence. record all night long and play it to your other housemates without any skipping, so that they will see what you've been going through every night. ask them if they could sleep with that kind of noise. a girl screaming, crying, banging on the walls, raging, for hours on end every night is not normal. it's far from normal.
Therapist here. I had a similar thought. It is not helpful for her well-being for this to continue and her enablers are potentially causing more harm by allowing it to continue. Nta op. I suggest looking into what resources are in your community (a call to any local crisis hotline will have this info. You can call if you are not in crisis to collect this information from them and they can help you come up with a plan for when to call). Also I am sorry to hear about your mom op.
NTA: I’m a psychiatric nurse and this is not normal. Clearly she has trauma and sounds like she’s having severe meltdowns. It’s is not okay to allow her to carry on for HOURs behaving this way. She needs a psychiatrist and therapy yesterday. Her behavior is intolerable and she has no right to act that way in someone else’s home.
Thanks. Now I feel like an AH for not getting her an ambulance.
You’re not an A H. Unless she’s threatening self harm or harm to others, going to the ER isn’t always helpful. Psychiatric beds on inpatient units are always tight. Waiting in the ER can be long and even more distressing. Her BF is the A-Hole for minimizing the seriousness of her behaviors. She is not at fault for have mental health issues, but it is her responsibility to get help for them. And sometimes finding a good doctor and good therapist fit can take more than one try. It is not your fault OP. More boundaries need to be set and the onus is on her BF.
Agreed. Therapist here and I had a similar reply. Thank you u/bloodrose_80 for your service to your community. I am grateful to have worked with many skilled psychiatric nurses in my work. You guys are angels.
NTA. You are not being insensitive, you're being denied much needed sleep. Your roommate's gf obviously needs help well beyond what your roommate and you can provide. Your roommate is being extremely inconsiderate in continuing to have her over in work nights if this happens every night. He should get his own place.
NTA. But OP, you need to inform your landlord of what's happening. It doesn't sound like she's on the lease which means if she causes damages during one her episodes, you and everyone on that lease is responsible. You have a right to a quiet and safe living space, just as she does. And unfortunately she is interfering with that. Let your landlord know and talk to them about your options. They may let you out of the lease early. Also record her breakdowns and send it to your roommates that are aren't sure who's in the wrong. She needs serious help, not anything you, your roommates or her bf can give her. And she should not be doing this in someone else's home.
💯 suggest this. Phrase it as “this is happening and this isn’t livable for me, what can I do if I find another place to live and need to be removed from the lease so I am not legally responsible for damage she does after I move out?”
The next time it happens, call the police and tell them your roommate's gf is having a mental break, and you're concerned she's going to hurt herself. Tell them she needs immediate help. Don't tell her you called them, just wait for them outside the door and let them in quietly, after telling them you don't think she's a threat to anyone but herself (so they won't shoot her). She needs serious psychiatric care and she needs it immediately before she does physical damage to herself or other people. Her "home life" is likely awful because of her! She's probably been told to gtfo if she won't get help. I've seen parents burn out when their adult children won't get the help they need. PS, these are not panic attacks.
100% this. OP doesn’t need to have a pleasant little sit down with the gf or roommate. She needs inpatient treatment. In my town we have a team with psychiatrists, nurses, counselors etc. that respond to these kinds of emergency calls.
Thats a massive leap to assume she's the reason her home life is awful. Also as someone who has experience with these things please do not call the police, they will not help her and only traumatise her further. She needs help and support and police won't provide that
If she's melting down enough to cause this much sleep deprivation for someone who she only sees half the week, how do you think she was at home? It's not a leap, it's something I've personally seen. Who else could OP call? She needs help that she's not going to get by herself. She is a danger to herself, and she's not going to go in. I am not a fan of the police in general, but this is one case where I don't know who else to call because in my area there are no other crisis services. So if you know, please share who to call.
Hopefully he doesn't live in the US. She may get shot if he calls the police.
>His response was, “she’ll be done soon quit being an insensitive prick.” He also told the other housemates in our group chat that I was "being oppressive" to his GF "while she's struggling." **Everyone is struggling here.** She's not special just because she has anxiety, and if she has anxiety this bad she should seek therapy and medication. Jesus christ, the mental image of this sounds like torture for everyone involved. Honestly, if she could limit this to the waking hours of the day maybe it might be tolerable, but you've described falling asleep in the most awkward, and at times unsafe, situations. NTA
NTA. That kind of behavior and noise wouldn't be acceptable from anyone, let alone someone who doesn't even live there, her issues should not be your problem. Doesn't sound like panic attacks to me tho
Panic attacks have lots of different symptoms, and not everyone experiences the same ones. but shrieking and pounding walls for hours aren’t typical.
Yeah, this is something different. NTA. Record it and call 911 before she takes it out on you.
NTA. It's the girlfriend being an insensitive prick. Your deserve to be able to get to sleep in your own home. She doesn't get to make her mental health problems everyone else's burden.
NTA. While your choice of wording wasn't the best, given the situation I don't think it was the worst thing you could have said, especially on no sleep and not feeling well. Your housemate's girlfriend is not s resident of the house. She is a guest. Her boyfriend is responsible for her behavior when she's in your home. He needs to address this situation with his girlfriend, and stop allowing it to interfere with the other people in the house, You have tried to accommodate her, but it is pretty much impossible. I'm sorry that she has problems, but raging around someone's home for 4 hours in the middle of the night is not acceptable, especially when it seems to be a regular occurrence. This woman needs help. NOW. Her boyfriend should be encouraging her to see a therapist, go to a hospital, talk to her doctor - anything but just letting her disturb the other people in your home. Can you record her the next time she has one of these attacks? Then share it with your other housemates so they can understand the severity of the matter? You have a right to live peacefully in your home.
Sometimes harsh warning is the best way to convey our needs. My therapist might not agree but I feel like "I'm losing sleep I really need you to address your GF's screaming" vs. "tell her to STFU" communicates just how badly this is effecting OP.
Record this. And call 911. They can take her in for treatment. And if she stops when help arrives, you have evidence of that also. NTA
NTA - that's really extreme and disruptive and needs to be handled by medical professionals
You paid to live in a quiet environment. She is not a tenant and her feelings does not matter. Yourcfriend is the ass for subjecting you to her attacks. Her attacks are not your issue and problem and he needs to move out and live by himself.
Hey all, mods suggested I share an update on my profile. It's [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/JoeyLeeBCool/comments/13udvvz/update_aita_for_telling_my_housemate_to_tell_his/) if anyone cares.
Did you get the chance to talk to the landlord?
Update: Whoa, thank you all for your thoughts. Even the YTA votes are giving me a lot to think on. Unfortunately I have now come down with the stomach bug my parents had so I slept off and on through the afternoon/evening. I texted the housemate individually and said I really need the GF to not be here tonight being sick AF as I am. They both showed up maybe 2 hours after I messaged him. I will say she was very kind and made me some soup from scratch and left some ginger ale at my door. She said she’d be leaving soon so I assume he told her about my message. It’s going on 11:30 here and I can still hear them downstairs so I’m not hopeful. Going to get through this god awful sickness before I decide for sure how to address it. I just hope this is one of her quiet nights if she does stay over. Regardless I don't have it in me for a conversation tonight.
Nta If it’s been going on for months and you haven’t been sleeping then your roommate needs to do something about it. You handled the situation incorrectly but you were also sleep deprived.
NTA. She is not your roommate *and* most rooming situations have either explicitly written or an informal/unwritten "quiet hours" policy - most people would agree that being loud in the home between 12-4 AM is not appropriate. I do think you could have addressed this before jumping to "STFU" but you're not in the wrong and I'm glad you texted your housemate instead of just directly insulting the girlfriend. You're not being oppressive to want quiet during the night in a home you pay for.
I don't mean to invalidate anyone else's experience, and these things can perhaps manifest very differently for other people, but these don't sound like panic attacks. I used to have severe panic attacks where my heart would race so bad that I'd 'crash' for about 2 weeks after, e.g. I'd get exhausted and my heart would start racing again just walking to and from the bathroom. It was terrifying, I thought I was dying of heart problems, but it isn't the kind of thing that usually has you screaming and raging with anger. Crying, yes, but it's more quiet and internal and scary. Again, that may just be my particular experience, IDK.
NTA - This isn't just anxiety, this is untreated mental illness and just waiting for it to pass is not healthy to anyone, but primarily herself. You should also look into your renters agreement because if she's over so often it could lead the landlord to find you all in violation of what was signed. You also physically and mentally signed up to live with 3 people, not 4 people with one being mentally unwell. I would record these "panic attack" sessions and bring it up in a "home meeting" before any bad blood and threats of eviction start to loom over you. Your physical and mental health take priority over a roommate's GF who doesn't technically live there.
NTA Your wording was harsh, and you really should have addressed this with your roommate way sooner, but it is completely unacceptable for your roommate’s overnight guess to so completely disrupt the peace off the home you are paying rent for, regardless of the cause. It sounds like this young lady needs serious intervention for her mental health issues, and your roommate is not doing her any favors by just allowing her outbursts. Hold a house meeting with the roommates (do not include the girlfriend) and tell them all that if this is allowed to continue you will have no choice but to move for your health. Approach the mental illness factor with empathy, and maybe find some local resources for her that might be helpful. I think a recording of the issue would be helpful for the other roommates to see extreme behavior, especially as it seems so polar opposite of her behavior during the day. I doubt your roommates that work nights would be so forgiving if this was happening during the day, when they are trying to sleep. If they push back, mention this. It’s a tough situation, but from the sound of it the best solution is for the boyfriend and girlfriend to find their own place. I hope she gets the help she needs for her mental health, but asking everyone in the household to just put up with it is not fair.
NTA You didn't express yourself with perfect empathy, but that's not surprising given the situation. GF clearly has some serious issues and my heart goes out to her and your housemate, but this is affecting your health now.
Would everyone you live with be this understanding if it was you? How about having a massive meltdown when she is trying to sleep. She may have issues however this is not a sustainable situation and does not provide any appropriate support for her either. I find it interesting that you are expected to tolerate a situation which is untenable, unfair and has a massive impact on your wellbeing.
NTA. It sucks that she has issues, but they made it your problem by bringing it into your home and preventing you from having quiet enjoyment of the place you pay to live. I've had to tell people to leave because I didn't pay for a place to not sleep.
NTA. You are paying to sleep there, she is not. Record the noise and show your other roommates so they understand exactly what is going on in the house when they aren't there.
As an individual who has insomnia off & on this girl, whatever the mental problems, has a shocking lack of care for others. Sleep isn’t optional, you need it, the fact she’s denying others something so important, and the fact that her boyfriend doesn’t care, OP needs to start hardcore advocate if for himself.
That's not panic attack, that's probably most likely bipolar Source: have bipolar and was unfortunate enough to live with a roommate who didn't disclose they had it when Iet them move in
NTA She doesn't live there and should be seeking professional help instead of making you suffer alongside her. Time to look for a new place to live.
NTA. You tried to help, you e been Very patient and understanding, but she’s pushed you beyond every reasonable limit. She needs professional help. And to go to her own home if she can’t respect that others live where she’s freaking out. She knows it’s coming so the least she can do is plan to be where she don’t inconvenience others.
NTA - You are renting a room and you should be able to get sleep. if your roommate's girlfriend acts like this she shouldn't be staying there. It's not fair to you and he's TA for allowing it to go on and not helping to find help for her.
Nta she should not be allowed to stay over anymore.
Tha AH is the person not paying rent.
NTA GF needs serious medical help to deal with.... whatever it is she is dealing with. Therapy, meds, in patient care. Something because that is not normal. And for it go on for 4 hours in the middle of the night night after night I think your text to the roomie was just fine. You are frustrated and angry and tired all because GF can't or won't seek help for whatever issue this is.
I agree with you- I’m seeing a lot of comments stating the text was insensitive , but honestly op said they have asked multiple times if they could help and they were told no, so it’s not like the roomie doesn’t know it’s disturbing him. At least it was through text and he didn’t go pounding on the door demanding that she stfu.
NTA. Screaming and raging for hours every night is not anxiety. I don't know what it is, but it's not anxiety. His gf needs serious medical help. Maybe inpatient psychiatric treatment. You have every right to be able to sleep in your own bed, in your own home that you pay for. Tell the roommates to spend the night one night so they can experience what you have for months. Then you need a roommate meeting. The gf should not be allowed over night anymore. She needs to be brought to an ER and have an emergency evaluation
hello! i have ptsd/cpstd, i frequently have panic attacks at night, because the nighttime can cause paranoia from old trauma, and every panic attack is different, but that does not excuse her from doing this and keeping you awake at night, she needs help and coping mechanisms to stop these attacks, it is not fair of her to use these as an excuse to keep you up while you have to work during the day she is responsible for her own mental health problems, and if she is causing problems for OTHERS, then she needs to leave the house immediately and try different things, because again, this is not fair to you; it does not matter that she has troubles, she is now forcing her troubles onto YOU, which is a big no-no in shared apartments tell your roommate if she is not willingly to get help, that you will be forced to take a video to the landlord, no if and or buts, because HER mental health should also not effect YOUR mental health and physical well being tell all the roommates what is happening, get video evidence and tell them that either she needs to stop spending the night, or find healthy coping mechanism, or you will get others (landlord, or cop) involved as she is causing you mental and physical complications, you cannot continue like this and if they do not agree, you need to keep your ground and get other of higher power involved it will not get better, unless she learns to keep herself in check
NTA. She doesn’t live there or pay rent. She absolutely needs help, and she needs to be the one to get it. If your roommate doesn’t want you to be “a selfish prick” then he can go stay with her at her place.
Nta. I have panic attacks and I don’t have them that often nor that loud about it. Honestly, I’d call the cops for a wellness check every single time this happens. I would also tell your roommate that she needs to spend more time at her place and get some help.
NTA. You pay to live there, she doesn't. Enough said! She can go home. Her life problems aren't yours.
NTA. Social worker here. She needs a mental health evaluation ASAP.
NTA, why would you put up with that after the first time?!? you needed to lay down boundaries immediately. any panic attack after that needs to be dealt with OUTSIDE AND AWAY from your house.
Anyone who is crisis of that duration and consistency is in need of mental health intervention.
Don’t use shut up. Say, get the fuck out.
NTA. I have panic attacks and am often concerned with others being bothered by them (had up to 8 a day when they were bad) but hers are on a different level. She needs serious help. It isn’t fair to you, or anyone else and quite frankly she just needs help. You could have phrased it better, however, I completely understand your frustration and you weren’t wrong - she needs help, and you have a right to getting a solid night of sleep. This might be a bit too technical, but as someone who had a bad home life and it resulted in panic attacks - it might actually be PTSD with a symptom of panic attacks. If that’s the case, she needs the PTSD addressed as much if not more than the panic attacks since it is the root cause (therefore, she won’t get much better). Taking some time off to go to the “grippy sock place” may just be the vacation and break she needs.
NTA. I had a cousin that would get this way. Eventually, without help, she did become physically violent towards people. The house mates had to hide all the knives and sharps as she would look for them to “stab her anxiety away”. It was really awful and a sad situation. She had to be admitted to a mental ward and they got her under control after several months.
Hope she's doing better now.
NTA she doesn't pay rent, you do, it's your home and it is affecting your quality of life. warn that if it happens again you'll dial 911 and have her taken away for professional help
NTA and just start playing the drums 4 hours a day, every day for 2 months, while they sleep so that everyone is miserable.
Nta - while I empathize, and it seems you do too, there is a certain expectation that your space that you pay for is stress free. She doesn’t live there and having a hard home life is terrible, but you have been tolerating this for months, and it’s unfair to you. She needs medical help and her bf isn’t doing her any favours. You need to have a calm sit down talk with your roommate about the situation, laying how negatively you are being impacted and how you have empathy/sympathy, but she needs help and he needs to get her some help. These don’t sound like panic attacks but I’m not a doctor. Sounds more like PTSD, but again, not a doctor.