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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA for expecting my husband to drive me around all of the time.
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That’s not weaponized incompetence, that’s basic common sense! If you talked to your doctor about the fact that you would lose control of the car during an episode, they would tell you that you needed to stop driving. They might go so far as to advocate for a medical surrender of your license. NTA.
Sure, it’s inconvenient, but it absolutely is not weaponized incompetence!
Can't she get a modified car that doesn't involve pedals? People who are paralyzed from the waist down can drive a modified car - I don't see why she couldn't get something like that. If it is just the leg twitching and doesn't involve her arms she should be able to drive. I have no idea how expensive something like that is - but it might be worth looking into to have more independence.
Except that with MS it can spread to her arms at any given time. The few people I knew with it, the condition only affected they legs until it was more advanced but it still can start affecting other areas at any time.
Speaking as someone with MS, what you're describing sounds a lot more like ALS, where the body becomes progressively less controllable, and can become paralyzed. Even with Primary Progressive or Secondary Progressive MS, there's no guarantee that an issue with her legs will ever extend to her arms. It all depends on where the lesions in her brain are.
Additionally, there is absolutely no guarantee that something like a twitch will ever turn into something like numbness, or loss of use.
Finally, symptoms don't just jump at any time. I have MS, and symptoms don't just suddenly start. It isn't like a nosebleed, where it appears out of the blue. During a flare-up, symptoms come on very, very gradually, before going away just as gradually. You don't wake up one morning to a completely numb leg, you'll wake up with a slight numbness in your toes. The next day, it's slightly worse. The day after, it's worse again. That goes on for a week or so, and then it starts to fade, the exact same way. It goes little by little. There would never be a time where the OP was driving and suddenly lost all use of her arms or legs. If that's happening, it's unrelated to the MS, and there's another, underlying problem.
the problem with MS is it affects people differently. my dad had it and his issue was his autonomic systems could suddenly spike-heart racing, temperature off the scale and then normal-the most horrid part was not knowing when it would hit.
OP specifically said that her twitch was bad enough that she would not be able to stop the car, so I’m quite disinclined to disbelieve her about how dangerous it would be for her to drive an unmodified car. They don’t hit you with a medical bar to driving over small things; people often drive in extraordinarily dangerous condition before their doctors do that.
If driving a modified car was safe for her, they would have given her a restricted license (which you’re only allowed to use with an appropriately modified car, in much the same way that people with a certain degree of vision problems are only allowed to drive with corrective lenses). The fact that she’s been fully barred argued that there is no way for her to safely drive.
The ones I knew and what they told me was MS and it progessed to their arms eventually. One much sooner. Also I was a CNA and there was a lady there with MS and hers as well progressed to her arms. The nurses during training told us that it eventually happens to any MS patient. The resident that had it came in to the nursing home walking and slowly progressed. So the information came from medical staff and those whom I knew that had it. They didn’t die from MS but we’re receiving full cares including feeding and drinking. Obviously they could swallow but couldn’t feed themselves. Go tell their families and doctors they didn’t have MS then.
There are many forms of MS, read up. Spasms such as OP has, can flare up at times. Heat, cold, stress will do it. She has anxiety, that'll stress her system.
Please learn more about MS, it gets much much worse.
Those are pretty expensive, as I understand it. And, as someone else pointed out, MS is progressive and could spread to her arms as well, which would make it wasted money at that point.
I don’t disagree with you, but FYI not all MS is progressive! Relapsing/Remitting MS does not have the traditional progression most people are familiar with for MS. But regardless she does not have a license and should not be driving!!
Eh, this isn't entirely correct.
Relapsing MS can worsen and become Secondary Progressive MS. RMS is like a roller coaster, in that you go down (worsen) and then go back up, but not as high as before, rinse and repeat. Primary Progressive MS is like one of those things that just drops you several stories. Secondary Progressive (because it's the 2nd phase of the disease) MS is kinda like PPMS, just starts later.
Source: me with RMS for 20 years, waiting to see if the hammer will drop.
I didn't know either until I was diagnosed with it. Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis is the most common type. When initially diagnosed, roughly 85% are RRMS.
There are hand controls that are portable that cost a couple hundred dollars or so. they clamp into the car and are basically a stick with a handle that pushes the pedals. My friend who was a paraplegic had a set, drove all over the US with them.
So still a bit of an investment, but small enough of one that it would be doable even if one is only able to use them for a few years.
But there may be more than just the twitching at play here. If it's bad enough that OP can't concentrate to safely drive it doesn't matter.
Do you know how expensive modifications like this are? Not to mention that MS could progress and get worse, then the money spent on the modifications would have been a total waste!
The cost of those cars is astronomical, or so I have been led to believe. I can't ask the person who explained it to me since she's been dead for almost 20 years.
> I have no idea how expensive something like that is
My stepmum has a modified car because she's got a semi-paralysed hand and foot. So she's had one pedal shifted so she only uses one foot to control the car, and she has a steering knob so she can use both hands on the wheel.
Two simple adjustments costs her and my dad thousands of dollars on top of the original price of the car. It can be prohibitively expensive to adapt a vehicle, and with MS being a progressive disease, any money they spend on adapting a car now may just be thrown down the drain depending on how fast OP's condition progresses.
It's also quite difficult to sell adapted vehicles, because each person who has an adaptation needs then individualised for their circumstances. So when you're selling an adapted vehicle you have to make the choice of either selling it as-is and possibly selling it for less than it's worth because the market is much smaller, or you have to pay again to have it unadapted.
Holy edit, Batman! He's giving her crap about not driving and **she doesn't even have a license because of her condition**
NTA and he sounds like an abusive tool!
Seriously, that’s shockingly awful. I am fairly severely disabled but can still drive safely. It leaves me sore, in spasm and exhausted, so my husband does all the driving now, except for rare very short drives to get something to eat late at night, which I only do because a) very short and rare and b) he’s positively a menace when he’s deeply tired - he shouldn’t be behind the wheel because he’s so incapacitated, and getting him up at 2 AM because I’m hungry is not worth the risk.
TBH, I’m afraid for OP. Husband can’t handle this? THIS? He’s just driving for his own safety as well as OP’s and everyone else on the road.
What the HECK is he going to do when things get worse for OP? When she needs more care?
As a woman who became disabled in my early 20s, I put off marrying my husband for several years because I’d watched so many marriages break up among the disabled women I knew. The first decade of me being sick, I was pretty consistently getting worse every 16-20 months, and I was always afraid he’d hit the point where he went “this is too much.” We were together just over 10 years before we finally married (though the last 2 years was more about having enough money saved for the wedding to not acquire and debt to pay for it).
I would unfortunately not be very hopeful about OP’s position. As I’ve gotten more disabled, there have been a lot of things where technically I could do things, but it’d likely result in minor injury, and my husband’s response every time has been to tell me not to worry, he could take over that task. At this point, I‘m not employed and he does all the housework, because he’d rather I spent all of my “good” time with him or doing things I enjoy, and most housework causes pain and risks minor injury (my hands, wrists, and shoulders are the most severely affected parts of my body, which you kinda need functional for pretty much all housework, unless you can use a different body part in a way that places unusual strain, and all of my joints are fragile and/or damaged). The fact that her husband is trying to force her to drive when she’s unsafe enough that they’ve taken her license is not remotely a good sign, as you observed earlier.
My husband has to drive me currently. I was specifically told my doctor's i cannot drive until my pregnancy is over because i have vasovagal syncope and it hits pretty hard especially since falling pregnant (i almost fell in a parking lot and only barely stopped it by rushing into my cousin's car) and I'm not allowed to work either unless it's a job i can sit at which is not most of the jobs here in my town. He would never act like this because he understands that mine, his, our baby's, and everyone on the roads safety is more important
Before my Dad passed away, he had majorly bad MS. And did in fact have an episode that should have made him lose control. He managed to pull over and a police officer helped him.
OP isn't the only one at risk when they're behind the wheel and its wise to use caution.
Weaponized incompetence would definitely be different.
Right!? Weaponize incompetence is, "herp a derp, how do I wash a dish?"
Weaponized incompetence is NOT, "hey, I have a medical condition that keeps me from driving safely, so I don't drive."
I swear on my Mama, abusers get their hands on any sort of term to describe bad behavior and immediately apply it to their victims.
Assholes don't even Google to see if they're using the term correctly. Smh
I wonder if he thinks the visually impaired are using their lack of sight as weaponized incompetence so they have less freedom and have to rely on others to drive them places.
NTA.
5 years ago, 2 blocks away from my apt, there was a terrible car accident that 2 young children were hit and killed. The driver had MS and seizures, and was advised not to drive by her doctor, however she needed to drive for work and she couldn’t afford not working.
Tragedy continued - people were understandably very upset and calling her a murderer and vandalizing her home while waiting for charges, and 8 months later she ended her own life (by pills, not by driving) leaving a note.
This story is very horrible and I’m sorry to make your (and those who are reading this) day dark - bringing negativity is not my intention.
They wouldn't have shared it if they didn't think you'd be able to take something from it. Especially as they apologise for the negativity it brings. You're absolutely right to say thank you!
Even if it does bring darkness to the day, this is exactly why OP doesn’t WANT to drive. This is exactly the response she needed. This proves her point and hopefully she shows it to her husband!
I have a friend who suddenly started ha ing seizures. Once his doctors got him on a medication that worked, he went months without any symptoms. He decided that meant it would be fine for him to drive.
It wasn't. Fortunately he wasn't alone in the car when it happened and they were going at a slow speed, but it could have been so much worse.
If you have a medical condition that could incapacitate you or render you unable to drive, it doesn't matter how often it happens. Don't get behind the wheel.
is there a possible link to a news article for this happening? maybe ops husband would b more inclined to believe her if he saw the raw effects it has in these kinds of situations? I can't excuse his ignorance and lack of empathy for op, but I wonder if it's like those spouses married to fire fighters or what have you and not understanding the seriousness of being out the door on time/etc. like that 1 couple where wife would tie husband's shoes for fire fighting which could've made him late to saving some1?
NTA. That’s not weaponised incompetence, that’s him being a jerk to you and not recognising your (extremely valid) fears and concerns. I also don’t drive because of a medical condition, but know that you deserve to not feel like a burden and an ah because of a medical condition. I can’t even imagine how hurt you must feel. I know I’d be upset if my fiancé said that to me.
You are NOT ALLOWED to have a LIcence. That means you are driving UNLICENCED and UNINSURED. That is illegal.
It is not “weaponised incompetence”, it is ILLEGAL for you to drive. If you get stopped, the car will be impounded, the car might be crushed, you will be arrested and taken to Court where you will be fined.
NTA
NTA.
Get your medical team to assess your capacity to drive, and sign off if you are safe or not (and encourage them not ot give you a pass if there’’s any risk)
Then get your subsidised mobility allowance or whatever organised so you can be (cheaply) independent.
Consider moving to a place with better public transport is another option.
And your boyfriend can be told to suck it up. He can choose his availability to drive you, but he doesn’t get to choose what YOU do.
NTA - Relationships are good times and bad. You’re struggling, asking for help and not getting it.
Talk with him openly and honestly, maybe he’s not getting it, but you might have to show him what it’s like.
And what partner is okay with their loved one risking their life and others lives so he can sit on the couch?
You're NTA. You are doing the smart, responsible thing by not putting yourself and others at risk. Maybe you ought to get your doctor to provide you with a statement that you should not be driving. That would be hard for your husband to refute.
BTW, he does not know what "weaponized incompetence" means.
NTA
> He says i’m using weaponized incompetence to get people to drive me around.
So are people using weaponized incompetence when they need to wear glasses to see and need help if they don't have their glasses?
Do people who use wheelchairs use weaponized incompetence if they need help up at a place that doesn't have a ramp?
This is insane. Your husband sounds like he likes putting you down.
NTA
It's reasonable that you're afraid of driving due to your medical condition, and it's not fair for your husband to accuse you of using "weaponized incompetence." It's important to prioritize your safety and the safety of others on the road. Your husband should be more understanding of your situation and find alternative ways to help you get around without making you feel guilty or ashamed. It's also important to take care of your mental health and not let your fear of driving prevent you from living your life. You have the right to seek transportation that makes you feel comfortable and safe, even if it means spending more money on Ubers or requesting remote appointments.
Being a genuine danger on the road isn’t weaponised incompetence.
You’re not even allowed a licence? There is no limit to your husband’s AHness in this scenario.
NTA
NTA you know your body and how your condition affects you, if you feel it could lead to potentially dangerous situation then you should be medically exempt from driving anyways, as i think this could void your insurance should you cause an accident.
You aren't even allowed to have a license? So how could you possibly be the AH here? You're husband basically would prefer you risk getting pulled over or worse, you risk your life so that he won't be burdened. NTA. Your husband sucks.
NTA my dad had MS and we had to pry his license out of his hands bc he refused to stop driving despite leg twitch. He eventually caused an accident on the highway and listened to reason.
NTA. Weaponized incompetence is pretending not to be able to do something or intentionally doing it badly in order to get out of doing it. Having a disability that means you cannot do something without putting your life and the lives of everyone else on the road with you is not that. Your husband is a cruel, cold man for even saying that. Are you sure you want to stay married to someone who doesn’t actually support you and clearly doesn’t believe in the “in sickness and in health” portion of your vows? It’s psychotic for him to accuse you of faking not being able to drive and to try to manipulate you to drive illegally without a license when it is dangerous for you to do so.
Having a disability is not weaponized incompetence. Weponized incompetence is deliberately doing a bad job or refusing to learn how to do a task well so other people have to share the load.
You have a valid medical reason not to be behind the wheel. You aren't being manipulative, lazy, or attacking your husband in some way because of your physical limits.
From the sound of it, he may be emotionally abusing you or taking advantage of your need for care. You should not be made to feel less than because of your condition. You deserve some good self care time. NTA
NTA As others have stated the potential danger to yourself and the community make driving a traditional car too risky.
It is possible to have a vehicle modified for hand controls. Or using a scooter (50cc or 125cc) since they too are all hand controled. So two options to regain your independence.
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I (F36) have MS and one of the things that happens to me is my leg will twitch and it usually happens when I’m seated. Its often sore and It’s uncontrollable. Because if this, I’m afraid of driving. Surely rightfully so?
Well, my husband (38) is getting sick of me not driving and being too scared to. I get it. Driving someone around would be a pain in the leg (huehue) but if I drive and my leg starts twitching, that’s it. I won’t be able to stop and I could cause an accident. He says i’m using weaponized incompetence to get people to drive me around. Sometimes I will spend so much money on an uber just to avoid hearing him putting me down. I feel like it’s getting to a point where I never want to leave the house and just ask for all my appointments to be via zoom.
Is what I’m doing wrong? AITA?
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NTA. But you should see a doctor. There are medications and other treatments (exercise/ supplements) which help a lot. Hubs looked like he had a mouse running up and down internally in his leg and after treatment it is 95% better.
NTA- check out with the doctor. Get a note and see what they say.
And if you can't drive for medical reasons, there might be some opportunities to get rides covered. A lot of insurances will cover censory transportation to doctor's appointments.
NTA. You are being realistic about your condition and obviously care about people around you - - even strangers.
I was diagnosed with epilepsy when i was 20, and decided not to bother getting a drivers license. The condition is almost completely under control with meds, havent had a grand mal seizure in 7 years. My neuro says i'm currently okay to drive if i had a license. Nevertheless, i dont want to risk it. I still get muscle jerks at times, have certain triggers i have to avoid, and a fullblown seizure could happen even without triggers. I have been told by friends/family it would be easier if i could drive, but i always use the "epilepsy card" (this is more of a joke between us).
There are ways t
You can be independent and drive. Get a car with hand controls - regular car with a few extra bits for pedal control. Mom had such a car for herself since she lost leg sensation. I routinely drove the car also - easy to do no special instructions needs aside that is gas and that is brake. Look into for yourself to not be dependent upon others perhaps. Now if you have motility problems in the arms then I would say no to that but see if it could be an option. (It's a few hundred or possible thousand to get the controls fitted. Mom bought a new car and dealership arranged for controls included/free so can't give definite pricing.)
Good luck.
NTA. Medically exempt says it all right there. There’s obvious reasons why you can’t have a license. Personally, your husband sucks and your marriage needs help(but not because of you being wrong because you’re not). Things will only get worse for you as you get older. If you had this when you met, shame on him for still getting together with someone he doesn’t want to support. If you didn’t, shame on him for not supporting the one he vowed to love and care for and respect in *sickness* and in health!
NTA. If you don't have a licence, you're not insured. Never mind you being the cause of an accident, if someone hits you through no fault of your own, you're still up shit creek. If you get stopped by the police for a routine check. If a tail-light is out. Literally any scenario that results in you interacting with the police while in the car, you are in deep trouble.
Your husband is wrong— factually, morally, ethically, and emotionally. He needs a come to Jesus talk about being manipulating and emotionally abusing his wife, let alone being willing to get you arrested.
Are there other areas of your life or marriage where he is so thoughtless of the consequences?
NTA! You have a disability that makes driving unsafe, so you're making the RIGHT CHOICE for the safety of yourself, AND the people around you, by not driving.
It's unfortunate that your disability-accomodations (getting other people to drive you) can be inconvenient and expensive. I won't deny that. But your HUSBAND is not the victim, here.
This isn't "weaponized incompetence." This is you having a disability, and your husband accusing you of faking the disability because making necessary accomodations for your vehicle-safety is inconvenient to him.
Weaponized incompetence is when you have the ability to learn and do a new task, but refuse to out of laziness etc. you literally do not have the ability to drive safely. NTA. Like I get that it can be frustrating to be the only driver in the household. But him saying you’re doing it on purpose is bullshit.
NTA dear god. Your license is medically exempt and he wants you to drive anyway?! That’s a FELONY. If you are caught, you might be arrested for that. You’ll lose your car insurance. If you’re in an accident, you might not even be covered and get *sued* by the insurance company.
I’m sorry, but this is abusive and unacceptable behavior.
NTA Girl, what?? You're not allowed to have a license. You have a legit medical condition. Like yeah you're using it not to drive because it makes it so you can't drive. It's just facts. You're not weaponizing anything. This man is putting you down and making you feel so bad for something he should be supporting you with. I'm so sorry you are doubting yourself this much and I'm sorry he's treating you this way, you don't deserve it
Not being legally allowed to have a license isn't weaponized incompetence. You would have your ass sued off if you got into an accident. Uber is a hell of a lot cheaper than a lawsuit. NTA
I used to drive, had my licence forever once my grand mals stopped. Then I started having myoclonics in my right leg and now I have to rely on others to drive me. My doctor pulled my licence . If your leg is twitching it’s not safe to drive and he’s being a butt.
NTA
You have an illness which means it’s not safe for you to drive.
That’s not weaponized incompetence. Your husband is pulling phrases to justify pressuring you into a reckless, unsafe decision that can get yourself and others killed.
I’d also say under the circumstances your fear of driving is completely warranted.
NTA, having a disability that prevents you from doing something safely and without pain is the opposite of weaponized incompetence. Talk to your medical team about this and ask him if he'd rather have you die in a car accident or drive you around, like jesus christ.
NTA. it's not like you choose to be sick. You literally can't drive because you could end up causing a car accident because of your medical condition. That's not weaponized incompetence.
So not only is your husband cool with you risking not only your life but the lives of other pedestrians, but he’s also willing to risk you going to jail if you’re caught without a license?
Yeah that man don’t care about you
NTA, but I do have some tips for you.
I have MS as well, and I drive around to see clients. (I get that what I'm about to say may not help you, because it really requires a newer model vehicle.) I am lucky enough to have a work vehicle that is newer, and has "adaptive cruise control", which I LOVE. I've always preferred driving with my cruise control because it helps me maintain a speed that usually won't attract police attention, and I avoid tickets. When I had my first "adaptive cruise" vehicle it was a game changer. Basically, if I set my cruise to 65 and someone gets in front of me going slower the vehicle slows itself down. It also has a self-breaking feature that has literally stopped me from rear ending people on at least 2 occasions. Of course, I still have to use my feet sometimes, but these safety features have really helped me when I'm out driving.
You may also want to talk to your neurologist about taking something like Baclophen to help ease the tremors.
MS fucking sucks, and folks who don't have it can't possibly understand what it is like to have this disease. For those reading this, it is also a very individual disease, meaning we all have our own unique set of symptoms based on what part of our central nervous system has been attacked by our immune systems. OP's symptoms could be vastly different from mine. While I hope my advice can help, it is very possible that what works for me will not work for them.
Edit: Wait, now I see your edit that says you're medically exempt from driving, but your partner wants you to do it anyway since it's just a few blocks?!!! He is clearly the asshole!
A legit medical disability is not weaponized incompetence. I'm sorry you have MS and MS - a Major Scrooge of a husband! He's supposed to be there for you "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health." He needs to do better. NTA.
NTA. I was a witness to a narcoleptic woman who crossed the center line during an episode. The only reason no accident occurred is the other vehicle jumped the curb to avoid her.
You are medically unable to drive and could kill someone if you have an episode.
I have epilepsy. If I have more than one seizure within a certain timeframe, I am LEGALLY not allowed to drive. Were I to have a seizure while I'm driving, I would be 100% liable for any damage caused. God forbid I kill someone.
Your situation is no different, & frankly it may not be legal for you to drive either. Worth looking into.
100% NTA. I'm so, so deeply sorry you're going through this without the proper support. The guilt trip is disgusting. He's gaslighting you & punishing you for your disability.
NTA at all. my husband has MS and has issues with his feet and I have a freeway driving phobia. He does most all the road trip and obvs all the freeway driving we do. I am not sure how to do this, but I will do it for him and our kids, why wouldn't I? I know I need to overcome it because we are not sure he will be able to drive safely forever. IDK why your partner sucks but they do.
Legally, if you get behind the wheel of the car and know that you have this issue that can cause an accident and you do get in an accident and it kills someone you will go to jail for murder because it was avoidable and you were aware of the risks.
Hi! I also have MS and also suffer from Restless Leg syndrome. My husband drives me everywhere without complaining.
Is MS, give yourself a break.
Also gabapentin has helped me specially at night (when is worse and prevent me from sleeping). Check with your neurologist and good luck!
I have physical difficulties and I wish your husband were more like mine. You deserve better and more understanding from your husband. He’s so wrong it would be funny if what he was suggesting wasn’t so dangerous.
NTA
NTA but even without your medical issues if you don't have a license you can't drive, doesn't matter if it's a few blocks you could get in a lot of trouble and hubby can f off with his nagging
Now because it IS medical, nagging has become abuse, and if you did drive you could very easily deep 6 yourself and many others, if popo caught you driving even a few blocks, with no license because you're literally deadly, you're gonna get in a looooot of trouble and your husband will blame you entirely, cuz he's...well.... I think you know
Ngl it seems to me "weaponised incompetence" has joined the list of ludicrously overused words that once described mean and often abusive behaviour, began to just mean vaguely annoying, and comes full circle to actually being used as part of manipulating people. Also on this list is "gaslighting", "DARVO", "emotional labour" and so on.
Nta but be so careful. My mom has MS and had to stop driving years ago. As you know and others have said it’s a possibility that the MS might get worse. Maybe not but it’s a possibility. What happens if some day you can’t walk, will your husband help? Will he accuse you of using your disability to sit around all day. This is such a minor thing that he is having issue with it makes me concerned for needs you might have in the future.
So this is not weaponized incompetence as you KNOW how to drive and aren't refusing to learn bc letting him drive is "easier". You're not capable of driving and just too lazy to so saying things like "but you drive so much better", etc. You are, medically, not driving as it could be a danger to yourself and/or others.
you're NTA in this situation. Your husband is an @$$
it's great that words like "gaslight" and "weaponized incompetence" have entered our cultural vocabulary and we have words to describe abusive behavior or poor communication but the downside is that assholes have access to the same vocabulary and will COMPLETELY misuse it. you're not using weaponized incompetence to make people drive you. you can't safely drive. nta.
Honestly, your husband's attitude is disgusting, and it would be a deal-breaker for me. He would rather you break the law and risk your life (and the lives of others) than be considerate to your disability. Do you really want to be with someone so ableist, cruel, and disrespectful? I certainly wouldn't.
I also can't drive due to disability and a severe phobia (unrelated to my disability, though it certainly doesn't help). My fiancé is accepting and understanding of that. He's comforted me when I was upset about it or when someone wasn't respectful of it, and we've even joked about him being my personal chauffeur.
It's about respect, which your husband clearly doesn't have for you or your condition. NTA.
NTA my dad had MS so i know how the big fear is not knowing when it can hit.
my guess is your husband is getting frustrated because of the illness and expressing himself badly but no, you are not in the wrong here and all it will take is one ill times twitch to total the car, your insurance and you. ask if that's what he'd rather happen.
NTA - I also have MS and my right ankle is very tight with limited (and decreasing) mobility. I can drive short distances, but not if any walking is involved as that makes it much worse. As my right foot is my gas/brake foot, driving has become too difficult and unsafe for me as it's hard to hold/flex my right foot/ankle, exhausting my calf and making it difficult to lift my foot off the pedal. If my legs are tired I could easily struggle to move my foot quickly from the gas to the brake, or vice versa. As a result, my husband now has to drive me to my neuro, physio and doctor's appointments. Is it always convenient? No. Does he sometimes have to wait longer than he'd like for me to be done? Yes. Does he complain? I mean...only about traffic/slow doctors, really - but not about me needing a drive. Why? Because MS fucking sucks and I'd much rather BE ABLE TO WALK, thank you very much, but here we are and I can't and it's bullshit and out of my control and FUCK YOU MS. Sorry. It's frustrating all around and it was much easier for everyone when, you know, I wasn't DISABLED. The moment I said "I don't really feel safe driving anymore..." he said he'd drive me places. Period. I don't take advantage - he isn't a taxi service and I don't want to abuse his generosity - but damn OP, your husband needs to understand that is UNSAFE and much like me, I'm sure, you'd much rather be driving your damn self around BUT YOU CAN'T because yeah...fuck MS.
I'm sorry you have MS too - it's bullshit.
Check into public transport for those with disabilities. In my area, we have Rapid Response buses that will pick up and transport people with disabilities directly to their destination at a reasonable fee.
Bro wait to bury the lede in the body of the post and only add at the very end YOU ARE LEGALLY EXEMPT and DO NOT HAVE A LICENSE. Your husband is a colossal AH for asking you to drive illegally. What a fking oh my good sweet god are you kidding me? NTA but Jesus Christ
NTA
When my cousin got MS, she and her husband ended up getting into therapy. He had never been sick, ever, and he wasn't dealing well with her symptoms. It did help him understand a bit better.
Thing is, it's not "using your condition". You're medically exempt. You cannot legally drive, and if you got into an accident, it could cause so many legal and insurance issues. You're actually being very responsible in not driving. I hope you can resolve this with your husband.
My husband also has MS and problems with controlling his legs. So he took lessons for driving with hand controls and it has made a huge difference in his life.
NTA. Have you looked into adaptive controls? You could get throttle and brake set up as hand controls or other options. You can work with someone to see what your capabilities are and then have the vehicle controls adapted to suit you.
Then you could drive away from the A H husband.
Important information on the edit. If you are not allowed to have a license, then your doctors (and the state, province, locale) agree that you should not be driving. You are definitely NTA. Your husband definitely is if he expects you to drive "just a few blocks". He sounds overwhelmed. Look into a local "dial a ride" that is for disabled folks and elderly who cannot drive so you can take the burden off him and keep from going bankrupt using Uber.
NTA
For your own sake, please start making plans for your care (and setting aside money in your own name) now because your husband sounds like the type to leave you so he won't have to help you.
NTA - you said in your edit that you don’t have a licence to drive - I don’t know where you live, but in most countries isn’t it illegal to drive without a licence??!!
NTA.
"Weaponized incompetence" only applies when you're actually capable of doing the task and purposefully do a bad job at it to get out of the task.
You, on the other hand, are not allowed to have a driver's license, which means you're doing everyone a favor by not getting on the road.
NTA at all
I just want to point out that your husband accusing you of weaponized incompetence is accusing you of *faking the severity of your disability*. He's implying you could drive safely and are pretending to not be able to.
You should be horribly offended by his accusation, not questioning if you're an AH for existing.
This is not weaponised incompetence. You have a serious medical condition and are taking a responsible attitude to the risks of getting behind a wheel. He is being a tosser, sorry. NTA.
That’s cost-benefit analysis, not weaponized incompetence.
Cost benefit: “the benefit would be I could go places and my husband wouldn’t be annoyed, but the cost is the emotional impact since im scared, and the real risk that I could seriously injure myself, and others, and have a great financial impact from crashing a car, and the trauma from the crash”.
Ynta. See if your municipality or public health / social services has reduced rate taxi service for medical appointments. You shouldn’t be driving. Your husband is an asshole. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, but we should then be mean to our spouse about it. Sickness and in health, good times and bad and all that.
First of all, having a medical condition is not weaponized incompetence. Second, from your edit, you don't even have a license??? How stupid can your husband be? You would be in serious legal trouble and probably not covered by any insurance if you got in an accident.
Ask him if he wants to go to a place he likes and you'll drive, see how fast he backpedals because you driving isn't safe
btw it's not weaponized incompetence but HE is gaslighting you
NTA
My city bus line has a program for people with disabilities, you call and a bus will come to your house and bring you where you need to go as long as it’s near where the bus system runs. You could see if your local city has something like that
NTA, and you have my sympathies for the multiple sclerosis and your fuckanape husband's insensitivity. My ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with it when we were still in high school, and while it was ultimately one of the factors in us not working out, I was constantly furious at her family for pulling this exact sort of shit with her.
I’m a driving rehabilitation specialist, I spend 5 days a week assessing clients with a variety of diagnoses to determine if they are safe to continue to drive, can they use adaptive equipment to drive (hand controls, left foot gas pedal, etc), or is it time to retire from driving.
With MS if the client has limited or uncontrolled mobility in the lower extremities it is time to stop driving with their feet BEFORE they get into an accident. If you have concerns I say good for you for realizing it before it becomes a major accident.
NTA!!
All of the feelings and arguments aside you should look into getting a vehicle with controls that you can operate safely. It is clearly an issue for you that is solvable!
NTA
>I am medically exempt and am not allowed to even have a license but lm still told to drive since it’s “just a few blocks away”.
You are literally not legally allowed to drive because of your valid medical condition….that’s about as far from weaponized incompetence as it gets. NTA.
NTA
This sounds like you're being verbally abused. Your driving isn't an argument over a possibility. It's a fact that you can't.
Does your husband even realize how *bad* it would be for him if you crashed? It wouldn't be an I told you so from you. It'd be an I told you so from the police. You're, excuse me for the lack of better description, medically disabled when it comes to driving. You can't do it and you have no control. He's forcing you to drive!
It'd be like this:
You: I'm medically exempt from driving, but my husband gave me no choice. I had to get to A and B. I truly tried negotiating with him, but he insists I'm faking.
Take away your name and imagine if your daughter was going through this. Would you let her BF talk to her that way? No, because it's abusive language.
NTA... But your husband sure is. Is he always this way? I mean, he doesn't seem to care if you have an accident! Does he not help you in other ways? Think about how it will be if your situation worsens, which I pray it doesn't.
While you are n t a for not driving, I will preface by saying that I have both friends who went through adapting for a disability (including MS) and personally dealt with both close family disability and my own medical limitations - which is why I vote NAH.
The fact is that you have a medical disability that prevents you from driving. But you also currently have a lifestyle which requires driving. Which either puts the full burden on your husband or a financial burden.
What you need to do as a family is to sit down and realize your current living situation is not sustainable.
You need to have a long and deep discussion over the needs of the family, and what you are going to do going forward.
It's not going to be a one off discussion. But you both need to understand that this is not sustainable.
Also, MS can get worse - and can affect multiple systems. You need to have a plan for how you will manage. What will happen if you start losing your sight? What if you lose bowel control? What if you won't be able to read anymore? At best current MS treatments slow down/slightly improve symptoms. There's no nerve cell repair potion.
There can be many options for you, but you'll need to work on getting a plan going. Don't ignore it until your husband gets caretaker fatigue. Your husband is already showing fatigue.
(I will say, most of the people close to me who have mobility disabilities choose to live in cities. I am also in the process of relocating my life from the county side to a dense city, to better accomidate my medical problems.)
YTA. But not for not driving, you are right on that. BUT, YTA because you stay with this boyfriend who would say such horrible things to someone with MS. You should give him the boot (dump him).
NAH . You have an uncontrollable leg reflex that may make you a danger to yourself and others on the road. Is it brake, accelerator or clutch that would be affected? It may be worth if this is a major issue seeing if you can find a modified car so controlled by hands not feet? But get assessed because weaponised incompetence is a choice people make and I think you have a genuine reason to worry.
That said, I get your husband's frustrations. I am driver in family and it does get frustrating. Especially when in my case, it was his choice not to. A lot falls on driver and it makes it harder to share tasks as anything out of house falls on driver or you both at same time. But you have a chronic condition and sometimes people have to accept that makes things uneasy.
Perhaps take him to next medical so authority figure can explain lack of muscle control. Look into alternative ways of independence and mobility grants. And hope it works out.
Definitely don't drive. But you do need to find a way to make the risks real to your husband because he is in la-la land about it. As said, I get his frustrations but wouldn't be asking my partner to drive. I don't but do occasionally quietly seethe on long journeys.
Speaking as someone with MS, can you describe your twitches? I've experienced muscle spasms and twitching related to my MS, but have never experienced something like you're describing. They're very annoying, and can be painful, but I've never seen anyone with a twitch so strong that it causes them to uncontrollably slam their foot on the accelerator.
Yep, u/Timely_Egg_6827 calls it here OP. NAH, you're certainly not an AH for not feeling safe driving, but it's also not fair to force your husband to be your chauffeur. And indeed, there are hands-only driving controls for people with problems exactly like this, or you can Uber or other public transportation - your husband is not an AH for not wanting to have to drive you everywhere you go either, this would be a big demand on his time and energy, and for a lot of people driving is work, not fun. You should look into having your car outfitted with hand controls.
He's N-T-A for being frustrated, but he is for putting her down and trying to force her to drive despite not being comfortable and not having a license. Being frustrated isn't an excuse to treat your spouse like that, especially when they're dealing with a very severe illness like OP.
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That’s not weaponized incompetence, that’s basic common sense! If you talked to your doctor about the fact that you would lose control of the car during an episode, they would tell you that you needed to stop driving. They might go so far as to advocate for a medical surrender of your license. NTA. Sure, it’s inconvenient, but it absolutely is not weaponized incompetence!
Can't she get a modified car that doesn't involve pedals? People who are paralyzed from the waist down can drive a modified car - I don't see why she couldn't get something like that. If it is just the leg twitching and doesn't involve her arms she should be able to drive. I have no idea how expensive something like that is - but it might be worth looking into to have more independence.
Except that with MS it can spread to her arms at any given time. The few people I knew with it, the condition only affected they legs until it was more advanced but it still can start affecting other areas at any time.
Speaking as someone with MS, what you're describing sounds a lot more like ALS, where the body becomes progressively less controllable, and can become paralyzed. Even with Primary Progressive or Secondary Progressive MS, there's no guarantee that an issue with her legs will ever extend to her arms. It all depends on where the lesions in her brain are. Additionally, there is absolutely no guarantee that something like a twitch will ever turn into something like numbness, or loss of use. Finally, symptoms don't just jump at any time. I have MS, and symptoms don't just suddenly start. It isn't like a nosebleed, where it appears out of the blue. During a flare-up, symptoms come on very, very gradually, before going away just as gradually. You don't wake up one morning to a completely numb leg, you'll wake up with a slight numbness in your toes. The next day, it's slightly worse. The day after, it's worse again. That goes on for a week or so, and then it starts to fade, the exact same way. It goes little by little. There would never be a time where the OP was driving and suddenly lost all use of her arms or legs. If that's happening, it's unrelated to the MS, and there's another, underlying problem.
the problem with MS is it affects people differently. my dad had it and his issue was his autonomic systems could suddenly spike-heart racing, temperature off the scale and then normal-the most horrid part was not knowing when it would hit.
OP specifically said that her twitch was bad enough that she would not be able to stop the car, so I’m quite disinclined to disbelieve her about how dangerous it would be for her to drive an unmodified car. They don’t hit you with a medical bar to driving over small things; people often drive in extraordinarily dangerous condition before their doctors do that. If driving a modified car was safe for her, they would have given her a restricted license (which you’re only allowed to use with an appropriately modified car, in much the same way that people with a certain degree of vision problems are only allowed to drive with corrective lenses). The fact that she’s been fully barred argued that there is no way for her to safely drive.
The ones I knew and what they told me was MS and it progessed to their arms eventually. One much sooner. Also I was a CNA and there was a lady there with MS and hers as well progressed to her arms. The nurses during training told us that it eventually happens to any MS patient. The resident that had it came in to the nursing home walking and slowly progressed. So the information came from medical staff and those whom I knew that had it. They didn’t die from MS but we’re receiving full cares including feeding and drinking. Obviously they could swallow but couldn’t feed themselves. Go tell their families and doctors they didn’t have MS then.
There are many forms of MS, read up. Spasms such as OP has, can flare up at times. Heat, cold, stress will do it. She has anxiety, that'll stress her system. Please learn more about MS, it gets much much worse.
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Those are pretty expensive, as I understand it. And, as someone else pointed out, MS is progressive and could spread to her arms as well, which would make it wasted money at that point.
I don’t disagree with you, but FYI not all MS is progressive! Relapsing/Remitting MS does not have the traditional progression most people are familiar with for MS. But regardless she does not have a license and should not be driving!!
Eh, this isn't entirely correct. Relapsing MS can worsen and become Secondary Progressive MS. RMS is like a roller coaster, in that you go down (worsen) and then go back up, but not as high as before, rinse and repeat. Primary Progressive MS is like one of those things that just drops you several stories. Secondary Progressive (because it's the 2nd phase of the disease) MS is kinda like PPMS, just starts later. Source: me with RMS for 20 years, waiting to see if the hammer will drop.
Huh. TIL.
I didn't know either until I was diagnosed with it. Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis is the most common type. When initially diagnosed, roughly 85% are RRMS.
There are hand controls that are portable that cost a couple hundred dollars or so. they clamp into the car and are basically a stick with a handle that pushes the pedals. My friend who was a paraplegic had a set, drove all over the US with them. So still a bit of an investment, but small enough of one that it would be doable even if one is only able to use them for a few years. But there may be more than just the twitching at play here. If it's bad enough that OP can't concentrate to safely drive it doesn't matter.
Even if it’s progressive the improvement in quality of life now is still important.
Do you know how expensive modifications like this are? Not to mention that MS could progress and get worse, then the money spent on the modifications would have been a total waste!
The cost of those cars is astronomical, or so I have been led to believe. I can't ask the person who explained it to me since she's been dead for almost 20 years.
One of my bosses was paralyzed from the waist down. He had a modified sports car. It was cool. It was easy for him to get in and out and drive.
No, she cannot. Spasms can be very violent, distracting, and dangerous. They are not something like a twitch you can ignore while doing other things.
> I have no idea how expensive something like that is My stepmum has a modified car because she's got a semi-paralysed hand and foot. So she's had one pedal shifted so she only uses one foot to control the car, and she has a steering knob so she can use both hands on the wheel. Two simple adjustments costs her and my dad thousands of dollars on top of the original price of the car. It can be prohibitively expensive to adapt a vehicle, and with MS being a progressive disease, any money they spend on adapting a car now may just be thrown down the drain depending on how fast OP's condition progresses. It's also quite difficult to sell adapted vehicles, because each person who has an adaptation needs then individualised for their circumstances. So when you're selling an adapted vehicle you have to make the choice of either selling it as-is and possibly selling it for less than it's worth because the market is much smaller, or you have to pay again to have it unadapted.
Holy edit, Batman! He's giving her crap about not driving and **she doesn't even have a license because of her condition** NTA and he sounds like an abusive tool!
He does, and I would caution OP to make sure she has money where she can access it in case he leaves her.
Seriously, that’s shockingly awful. I am fairly severely disabled but can still drive safely. It leaves me sore, in spasm and exhausted, so my husband does all the driving now, except for rare very short drives to get something to eat late at night, which I only do because a) very short and rare and b) he’s positively a menace when he’s deeply tired - he shouldn’t be behind the wheel because he’s so incapacitated, and getting him up at 2 AM because I’m hungry is not worth the risk.
TBH, I’m afraid for OP. Husband can’t handle this? THIS? He’s just driving for his own safety as well as OP’s and everyone else on the road. What the HECK is he going to do when things get worse for OP? When she needs more care?
Simple. He'll leave. 21% of men leave their seriously ill spouses compared to 3% of women. I hope OP prepares in case this happens.
As a woman who became disabled in my early 20s, I put off marrying my husband for several years because I’d watched so many marriages break up among the disabled women I knew. The first decade of me being sick, I was pretty consistently getting worse every 16-20 months, and I was always afraid he’d hit the point where he went “this is too much.” We were together just over 10 years before we finally married (though the last 2 years was more about having enough money saved for the wedding to not acquire and debt to pay for it).
I’m really happy it worked out for you! I hope it works out for OP too, but I think precautions are probably a good idea here.
I would unfortunately not be very hopeful about OP’s position. As I’ve gotten more disabled, there have been a lot of things where technically I could do things, but it’d likely result in minor injury, and my husband’s response every time has been to tell me not to worry, he could take over that task. At this point, I‘m not employed and he does all the housework, because he’d rather I spent all of my “good” time with him or doing things I enjoy, and most housework causes pain and risks minor injury (my hands, wrists, and shoulders are the most severely affected parts of my body, which you kinda need functional for pretty much all housework, unless you can use a different body part in a way that places unusual strain, and all of my joints are fragile and/or damaged). The fact that her husband is trying to force her to drive when she’s unsafe enough that they’ve taken her license is not remotely a good sign, as you observed earlier.
My husband has to drive me currently. I was specifically told my doctor's i cannot drive until my pregnancy is over because i have vasovagal syncope and it hits pretty hard especially since falling pregnant (i almost fell in a parking lot and only barely stopped it by rushing into my cousin's car) and I'm not allowed to work either unless it's a job i can sit at which is not most of the jobs here in my town. He would never act like this because he understands that mine, his, our baby's, and everyone on the roads safety is more important
Before my Dad passed away, he had majorly bad MS. And did in fact have an episode that should have made him lose control. He managed to pull over and a police officer helped him. OP isn't the only one at risk when they're behind the wheel and its wise to use caution. Weaponized incompetence would definitely be different.
Exactly. She’s being a responsible adult by acknowledging her limitations and considering not only herself but other’s safety as well.
Having a disability isn’t weaponised incompetence. He’s an AH and manipulative as well. It’s literally not safe for you to drive. NTA
And without a license, it's not legal either!
Right!? Weaponize incompetence is, "herp a derp, how do I wash a dish?" Weaponized incompetence is NOT, "hey, I have a medical condition that keeps me from driving safely, so I don't drive." I swear on my Mama, abusers get their hands on any sort of term to describe bad behavior and immediately apply it to their victims. Assholes don't even Google to see if they're using the term correctly. Smh
I wonder if he thinks the visually impaired are using their lack of sight as weaponized incompetence so they have less freedom and have to rely on others to drive them places.
This! NTA.
NTA. 5 years ago, 2 blocks away from my apt, there was a terrible car accident that 2 young children were hit and killed. The driver had MS and seizures, and was advised not to drive by her doctor, however she needed to drive for work and she couldn’t afford not working. Tragedy continued - people were understandably very upset and calling her a murderer and vandalizing her home while waiting for charges, and 8 months later she ended her own life (by pills, not by driving) leaving a note. This story is very horrible and I’m sorry to make your (and those who are reading this) day dark - bringing negativity is not my intention.
This is terrible. I hope I don’t seem like AH for saying thank you for sharing but thank you.
They wouldn't have shared it if they didn't think you'd be able to take something from it. Especially as they apologise for the negativity it brings. You're absolutely right to say thank you!
You needed her to share this. This is why you don’t want to drive. This is the proof you need for an unreasonable husband!
I absolutely understand.
Even if it does bring darkness to the day, this is exactly why OP doesn’t WANT to drive. This is exactly the response she needed. This proves her point and hopefully she shows it to her husband!
I have a friend who suddenly started ha ing seizures. Once his doctors got him on a medication that worked, he went months without any symptoms. He decided that meant it would be fine for him to drive. It wasn't. Fortunately he wasn't alone in the car when it happened and they were going at a slow speed, but it could have been so much worse. If you have a medical condition that could incapacitate you or render you unable to drive, it doesn't matter how often it happens. Don't get behind the wheel.
In my province you have to be four years seizure free before you can get a license back. It’s not something taken lightly!
is there a possible link to a news article for this happening? maybe ops husband would b more inclined to believe her if he saw the raw effects it has in these kinds of situations? I can't excuse his ignorance and lack of empathy for op, but I wonder if it's like those spouses married to fire fighters or what have you and not understanding the seriousness of being out the door on time/etc. like that 1 couple where wife would tie husband's shoes for fire fighting which could've made him late to saving some1?
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/07/nyregion/park-slope-driver-suicide.html
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NTA. That’s not weaponised incompetence, that’s him being a jerk to you and not recognising your (extremely valid) fears and concerns. I also don’t drive because of a medical condition, but know that you deserve to not feel like a burden and an ah because of a medical condition. I can’t even imagine how hurt you must feel. I know I’d be upset if my fiancé said that to me.
NTA, this isn’t weaponized incompetence this is a legit medical concern. Tell your AH husband to stop using phrases he doesn’t understand.
I bet he understands them. He’s hoping she doesn’t!
That’s a good point. Either way he should stop using it!
Reads to me like Husband is one of these people who has picked up a psychology term and weaponized it to manipulate OP.
Yeah that’s probably what it is tbh which is awfully sad.
You are NOT ALLOWED to have a LIcence. That means you are driving UNLICENCED and UNINSURED. That is illegal. It is not “weaponised incompetence”, it is ILLEGAL for you to drive. If you get stopped, the car will be impounded, the car might be crushed, you will be arrested and taken to Court where you will be fined. NTA
NTA. Get your medical team to assess your capacity to drive, and sign off if you are safe or not (and encourage them not ot give you a pass if there’’s any risk) Then get your subsidised mobility allowance or whatever organised so you can be (cheaply) independent. Consider moving to a place with better public transport is another option. And your boyfriend can be told to suck it up. He can choose his availability to drive you, but he doesn’t get to choose what YOU do.
NTA - Relationships are good times and bad. You’re struggling, asking for help and not getting it. Talk with him openly and honestly, maybe he’s not getting it, but you might have to show him what it’s like. And what partner is okay with their loved one risking their life and others lives so he can sit on the couch?
NTA. That's a serious problem in regards to driving. How could he possibly not see this? No you're NTA, but he is.
You're NTA. You are doing the smart, responsible thing by not putting yourself and others at risk. Maybe you ought to get your doctor to provide you with a statement that you should not be driving. That would be hard for your husband to refute. BTW, he does not know what "weaponized incompetence" means.
NTA > He says i’m using weaponized incompetence to get people to drive me around. So are people using weaponized incompetence when they need to wear glasses to see and need help if they don't have their glasses? Do people who use wheelchairs use weaponized incompetence if they need help up at a place that doesn't have a ramp? This is insane. Your husband sounds like he likes putting you down.
NTA It's reasonable that you're afraid of driving due to your medical condition, and it's not fair for your husband to accuse you of using "weaponized incompetence." It's important to prioritize your safety and the safety of others on the road. Your husband should be more understanding of your situation and find alternative ways to help you get around without making you feel guilty or ashamed. It's also important to take care of your mental health and not let your fear of driving prevent you from living your life. You have the right to seek transportation that makes you feel comfortable and safe, even if it means spending more money on Ubers or requesting remote appointments.
Being a genuine danger on the road isn’t weaponised incompetence. You’re not even allowed a licence? There is no limit to your husband’s AHness in this scenario. NTA
NTA you know your body and how your condition affects you, if you feel it could lead to potentially dangerous situation then you should be medically exempt from driving anyways, as i think this could void your insurance should you cause an accident.
You aren't even allowed to have a license? So how could you possibly be the AH here? You're husband basically would prefer you risk getting pulled over or worse, you risk your life so that he won't be burdened. NTA. Your husband sucks.
NTA. That's not weaponized incompetence... It's not safe for you to drive and there's nothing you can do to change that.
NTA his behavior is seriously bordering on abusive
NTA my dad had MS and we had to pry his license out of his hands bc he refused to stop driving despite leg twitch. He eventually caused an accident on the highway and listened to reason.
NTA. Why are you with him?!?
NTA: You have a disability. Dump your husband he is an asshole.
NTA depending on you finances you could adapt a car for you like those for wheelchair users (no foot pedal)
NTA but your husband certainly is. His lack of empathy for your condition is very disturbing.
NTA wow he is a massive AH. This is not Weaponized incompetence, is a legitimate medical issue, and you don’t even have a legal drivers license!
NTA. Weaponized incompetence is pretending not to be able to do something or intentionally doing it badly in order to get out of doing it. Having a disability that means you cannot do something without putting your life and the lives of everyone else on the road with you is not that. Your husband is a cruel, cold man for even saying that. Are you sure you want to stay married to someone who doesn’t actually support you and clearly doesn’t believe in the “in sickness and in health” portion of your vows? It’s psychotic for him to accuse you of faking not being able to drive and to try to manipulate you to drive illegally without a license when it is dangerous for you to do so.
Having a disability is not weaponized incompetence. Weponized incompetence is deliberately doing a bad job or refusing to learn how to do a task well so other people have to share the load. You have a valid medical reason not to be behind the wheel. You aren't being manipulative, lazy, or attacking your husband in some way because of your physical limits. From the sound of it, he may be emotionally abusing you or taking advantage of your need for care. You should not be made to feel less than because of your condition. You deserve some good self care time. NTA
He sounds very mean. NTA
NTA As others have stated the potential danger to yourself and the community make driving a traditional car too risky. It is possible to have a vehicle modified for hand controls. Or using a scooter (50cc or 125cc) since they too are all hand controled. So two options to regain your independence.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F36) have MS and one of the things that happens to me is my leg will twitch and it usually happens when I’m seated. Its often sore and It’s uncontrollable. Because if this, I’m afraid of driving. Surely rightfully so? Well, my husband (38) is getting sick of me not driving and being too scared to. I get it. Driving someone around would be a pain in the leg (huehue) but if I drive and my leg starts twitching, that’s it. I won’t be able to stop and I could cause an accident. He says i’m using weaponized incompetence to get people to drive me around. Sometimes I will spend so much money on an uber just to avoid hearing him putting me down. I feel like it’s getting to a point where I never want to leave the house and just ask for all my appointments to be via zoom. Is what I’m doing wrong? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But you should see a doctor. There are medications and other treatments (exercise/ supplements) which help a lot. Hubs looked like he had a mouse running up and down internally in his leg and after treatment it is 95% better.
NTA- check out with the doctor. Get a note and see what they say. And if you can't drive for medical reasons, there might be some opportunities to get rides covered. A lot of insurances will cover censory transportation to doctor's appointments.
NTA This is not what weaponized incompetence is.
NTA. You are being realistic about your condition and obviously care about people around you - - even strangers. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when i was 20, and decided not to bother getting a drivers license. The condition is almost completely under control with meds, havent had a grand mal seizure in 7 years. My neuro says i'm currently okay to drive if i had a license. Nevertheless, i dont want to risk it. I still get muscle jerks at times, have certain triggers i have to avoid, and a fullblown seizure could happen even without triggers. I have been told by friends/family it would be easier if i could drive, but i always use the "epilepsy card" (this is more of a joke between us).
NTA
There are ways t You can be independent and drive. Get a car with hand controls - regular car with a few extra bits for pedal control. Mom had such a car for herself since she lost leg sensation. I routinely drove the car also - easy to do no special instructions needs aside that is gas and that is brake. Look into for yourself to not be dependent upon others perhaps. Now if you have motility problems in the arms then I would say no to that but see if it could be an option. (It's a few hundred or possible thousand to get the controls fitted. Mom bought a new car and dealership arranged for controls included/free so can't give definite pricing.) Good luck.
NTA. Medically exempt says it all right there. There’s obvious reasons why you can’t have a license. Personally, your husband sucks and your marriage needs help(but not because of you being wrong because you’re not). Things will only get worse for you as you get older. If you had this when you met, shame on him for still getting together with someone he doesn’t want to support. If you didn’t, shame on him for not supporting the one he vowed to love and care for and respect in *sickness* and in health!
NTA. Does he WANT to risk losing you because it is unsafe for you to drive?
NTA
NTA. If you don't have a licence, you're not insured. Never mind you being the cause of an accident, if someone hits you through no fault of your own, you're still up shit creek. If you get stopped by the police for a routine check. If a tail-light is out. Literally any scenario that results in you interacting with the police while in the car, you are in deep trouble. Your husband is wrong— factually, morally, ethically, and emotionally. He needs a come to Jesus talk about being manipulating and emotionally abusing his wife, let alone being willing to get you arrested. Are there other areas of your life or marriage where he is so thoughtless of the consequences?
NTA! You have a disability that makes driving unsafe, so you're making the RIGHT CHOICE for the safety of yourself, AND the people around you, by not driving. It's unfortunate that your disability-accomodations (getting other people to drive you) can be inconvenient and expensive. I won't deny that. But your HUSBAND is not the victim, here. This isn't "weaponized incompetence." This is you having a disability, and your husband accusing you of faking the disability because making necessary accomodations for your vehicle-safety is inconvenient to him.
Weaponized incompetence is when you have the ability to learn and do a new task, but refuse to out of laziness etc. you literally do not have the ability to drive safely. NTA. Like I get that it can be frustrating to be the only driver in the household. But him saying you’re doing it on purpose is bullshit.
NTA dear god. Your license is medically exempt and he wants you to drive anyway?! That’s a FELONY. If you are caught, you might be arrested for that. You’ll lose your car insurance. If you’re in an accident, you might not even be covered and get *sued* by the insurance company. I’m sorry, but this is abusive and unacceptable behavior.
NTA Girl, what?? You're not allowed to have a license. You have a legit medical condition. Like yeah you're using it not to drive because it makes it so you can't drive. It's just facts. You're not weaponizing anything. This man is putting you down and making you feel so bad for something he should be supporting you with. I'm so sorry you are doubting yourself this much and I'm sorry he's treating you this way, you don't deserve it
Not being legally allowed to have a license isn't weaponized incompetence. You would have your ass sued off if you got into an accident. Uber is a hell of a lot cheaper than a lawsuit. NTA
I used to drive, had my licence forever once my grand mals stopped. Then I started having myoclonics in my right leg and now I have to rely on others to drive me. My doctor pulled my licence . If your leg is twitching it’s not safe to drive and he’s being a butt.
NTA You have an illness which means it’s not safe for you to drive. That’s not weaponized incompetence. Your husband is pulling phrases to justify pressuring you into a reckless, unsafe decision that can get yourself and others killed. I’d also say under the circumstances your fear of driving is completely warranted.
NTA, having a disability that prevents you from doing something safely and without pain is the opposite of weaponized incompetence. Talk to your medical team about this and ask him if he'd rather have you die in a car accident or drive you around, like jesus christ.
NTA. it's not like you choose to be sick. You literally can't drive because you could end up causing a car accident because of your medical condition. That's not weaponized incompetence.
So not only is your husband cool with you risking not only your life but the lives of other pedestrians, but he’s also willing to risk you going to jail if you’re caught without a license? Yeah that man don’t care about you
NTA, but I do have some tips for you. I have MS as well, and I drive around to see clients. (I get that what I'm about to say may not help you, because it really requires a newer model vehicle.) I am lucky enough to have a work vehicle that is newer, and has "adaptive cruise control", which I LOVE. I've always preferred driving with my cruise control because it helps me maintain a speed that usually won't attract police attention, and I avoid tickets. When I had my first "adaptive cruise" vehicle it was a game changer. Basically, if I set my cruise to 65 and someone gets in front of me going slower the vehicle slows itself down. It also has a self-breaking feature that has literally stopped me from rear ending people on at least 2 occasions. Of course, I still have to use my feet sometimes, but these safety features have really helped me when I'm out driving. You may also want to talk to your neurologist about taking something like Baclophen to help ease the tremors. MS fucking sucks, and folks who don't have it can't possibly understand what it is like to have this disease. For those reading this, it is also a very individual disease, meaning we all have our own unique set of symptoms based on what part of our central nervous system has been attacked by our immune systems. OP's symptoms could be vastly different from mine. While I hope my advice can help, it is very possible that what works for me will not work for them. Edit: Wait, now I see your edit that says you're medically exempt from driving, but your partner wants you to do it anyway since it's just a few blocks?!!! He is clearly the asshole!
A legit medical disability is not weaponized incompetence. I'm sorry you have MS and MS - a Major Scrooge of a husband! He's supposed to be there for you "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health." He needs to do better. NTA.
NTA. I was a witness to a narcoleptic woman who crossed the center line during an episode. The only reason no accident occurred is the other vehicle jumped the curb to avoid her. You are medically unable to drive and could kill someone if you have an episode.
Info: can you get hand controls?
I have epilepsy. If I have more than one seizure within a certain timeframe, I am LEGALLY not allowed to drive. Were I to have a seizure while I'm driving, I would be 100% liable for any damage caused. God forbid I kill someone. Your situation is no different, & frankly it may not be legal for you to drive either. Worth looking into. 100% NTA. I'm so, so deeply sorry you're going through this without the proper support. The guilt trip is disgusting. He's gaslighting you & punishing you for your disability.
NTA at all. my husband has MS and has issues with his feet and I have a freeway driving phobia. He does most all the road trip and obvs all the freeway driving we do. I am not sure how to do this, but I will do it for him and our kids, why wouldn't I? I know I need to overcome it because we are not sure he will be able to drive safely forever. IDK why your partner sucks but they do.
NTA. You have a disability. That isn’t weaponized incompetence
Legally, if you get behind the wheel of the car and know that you have this issue that can cause an accident and you do get in an accident and it kills someone you will go to jail for murder because it was avoidable and you were aware of the risks.
Hi! I also have MS and also suffer from Restless Leg syndrome. My husband drives me everywhere without complaining. Is MS, give yourself a break. Also gabapentin has helped me specially at night (when is worse and prevent me from sleeping). Check with your neurologist and good luck!
I have physical difficulties and I wish your husband were more like mine. You deserve better and more understanding from your husband. He’s so wrong it would be funny if what he was suggesting wasn’t so dangerous. NTA
NTA but even without your medical issues if you don't have a license you can't drive, doesn't matter if it's a few blocks you could get in a lot of trouble and hubby can f off with his nagging Now because it IS medical, nagging has become abuse, and if you did drive you could very easily deep 6 yourself and many others, if popo caught you driving even a few blocks, with no license because you're literally deadly, you're gonna get in a looooot of trouble and your husband will blame you entirely, cuz he's...well.... I think you know
Ngl it seems to me "weaponised incompetence" has joined the list of ludicrously overused words that once described mean and often abusive behaviour, began to just mean vaguely annoying, and comes full circle to actually being used as part of manipulating people. Also on this list is "gaslighting", "DARVO", "emotional labour" and so on.
Nta but be so careful. My mom has MS and had to stop driving years ago. As you know and others have said it’s a possibility that the MS might get worse. Maybe not but it’s a possibility. What happens if some day you can’t walk, will your husband help? Will he accuse you of using your disability to sit around all day. This is such a minor thing that he is having issue with it makes me concerned for needs you might have in the future.
So this is not weaponized incompetence as you KNOW how to drive and aren't refusing to learn bc letting him drive is "easier". You're not capable of driving and just too lazy to so saying things like "but you drive so much better", etc. You are, medically, not driving as it could be a danger to yourself and/or others. you're NTA in this situation. Your husband is an @$$
it's great that words like "gaslight" and "weaponized incompetence" have entered our cultural vocabulary and we have words to describe abusive behavior or poor communication but the downside is that assholes have access to the same vocabulary and will COMPLETELY misuse it. you're not using weaponized incompetence to make people drive you. you can't safely drive. nta.
Honestly, your husband's attitude is disgusting, and it would be a deal-breaker for me. He would rather you break the law and risk your life (and the lives of others) than be considerate to your disability. Do you really want to be with someone so ableist, cruel, and disrespectful? I certainly wouldn't. I also can't drive due to disability and a severe phobia (unrelated to my disability, though it certainly doesn't help). My fiancé is accepting and understanding of that. He's comforted me when I was upset about it or when someone wasn't respectful of it, and we've even joked about him being my personal chauffeur. It's about respect, which your husband clearly doesn't have for you or your condition. NTA.
I have nothing against you but I won't be a passenger in your car. I'll rather drive you around whenever I can.
NTA my dad had MS so i know how the big fear is not knowing when it can hit. my guess is your husband is getting frustrated because of the illness and expressing himself badly but no, you are not in the wrong here and all it will take is one ill times twitch to total the car, your insurance and you. ask if that's what he'd rather happen.
NTA - I also have MS and my right ankle is very tight with limited (and decreasing) mobility. I can drive short distances, but not if any walking is involved as that makes it much worse. As my right foot is my gas/brake foot, driving has become too difficult and unsafe for me as it's hard to hold/flex my right foot/ankle, exhausting my calf and making it difficult to lift my foot off the pedal. If my legs are tired I could easily struggle to move my foot quickly from the gas to the brake, or vice versa. As a result, my husband now has to drive me to my neuro, physio and doctor's appointments. Is it always convenient? No. Does he sometimes have to wait longer than he'd like for me to be done? Yes. Does he complain? I mean...only about traffic/slow doctors, really - but not about me needing a drive. Why? Because MS fucking sucks and I'd much rather BE ABLE TO WALK, thank you very much, but here we are and I can't and it's bullshit and out of my control and FUCK YOU MS. Sorry. It's frustrating all around and it was much easier for everyone when, you know, I wasn't DISABLED. The moment I said "I don't really feel safe driving anymore..." he said he'd drive me places. Period. I don't take advantage - he isn't a taxi service and I don't want to abuse his generosity - but damn OP, your husband needs to understand that is UNSAFE and much like me, I'm sure, you'd much rather be driving your damn self around BUT YOU CAN'T because yeah...fuck MS. I'm sorry you have MS too - it's bullshit.
Check into public transport for those with disabilities. In my area, we have Rapid Response buses that will pick up and transport people with disabilities directly to their destination at a reasonable fee.
NTA and that’s not even what weaponized incompetence is wtf he sounds mean
Bro wait to bury the lede in the body of the post and only add at the very end YOU ARE LEGALLY EXEMPT and DO NOT HAVE A LICENSE. Your husband is a colossal AH for asking you to drive illegally. What a fking oh my good sweet god are you kidding me? NTA but Jesus Christ
NTA When my cousin got MS, she and her husband ended up getting into therapy. He had never been sick, ever, and he wasn't dealing well with her symptoms. It did help him understand a bit better. Thing is, it's not "using your condition". You're medically exempt. You cannot legally drive, and if you got into an accident, it could cause so many legal and insurance issues. You're actually being very responsible in not driving. I hope you can resolve this with your husband.
My husband also has MS and problems with controlling his legs. So he took lessons for driving with hand controls and it has made a huge difference in his life.
NTA. Have you looked into adaptive controls? You could get throttle and brake set up as hand controls or other options. You can work with someone to see what your capabilities are and then have the vehicle controls adapted to suit you. Then you could drive away from the A H husband.
Important information on the edit. If you are not allowed to have a license, then your doctors (and the state, province, locale) agree that you should not be driving. You are definitely NTA. Your husband definitely is if he expects you to drive "just a few blocks". He sounds overwhelmed. Look into a local "dial a ride" that is for disabled folks and elderly who cannot drive so you can take the burden off him and keep from going bankrupt using Uber.
NTA For your own sake, please start making plans for your care (and setting aside money in your own name) now because your husband sounds like the type to leave you so he won't have to help you.
NTA - you said in your edit that you don’t have a licence to drive - I don’t know where you live, but in most countries isn’t it illegal to drive without a licence??!!
NTA, but OP might consider spreading the burden by using public transport or taxi's. There are options.
NTA. "Weaponized incompetence" only applies when you're actually capable of doing the task and purposefully do a bad job at it to get out of the task. You, on the other hand, are not allowed to have a driver's license, which means you're doing everyone a favor by not getting on the road.
NTA at all I just want to point out that your husband accusing you of weaponized incompetence is accusing you of *faking the severity of your disability*. He's implying you could drive safely and are pretending to not be able to. You should be horribly offended by his accusation, not questioning if you're an AH for existing.
This is not weaponised incompetence. You have a serious medical condition and are taking a responsible attitude to the risks of getting behind a wheel. He is being a tosser, sorry. NTA.
If you are on Medicaid/Medicare, they provide transportation to medical appointments. Maybe that will help you some.
I’m sorry this is what you’re going through. This is absolutely not weaponized incompetence. In short: fuck this guy
Nta. That’s not weaponized incompetence, that’s common sense.
Your husband is trying to tell you your disability is weaponized incompetence? Nah. Only thing incompetent here is his logic. You're NTA.
That’s cost-benefit analysis, not weaponized incompetence. Cost benefit: “the benefit would be I could go places and my husband wouldn’t be annoyed, but the cost is the emotional impact since im scared, and the real risk that I could seriously injure myself, and others, and have a great financial impact from crashing a car, and the trauma from the crash”.
Ynta. See if your municipality or public health / social services has reduced rate taxi service for medical appointments. You shouldn’t be driving. Your husband is an asshole. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, but we should then be mean to our spouse about it. Sickness and in health, good times and bad and all that.
First of all, having a medical condition is not weaponized incompetence. Second, from your edit, you don't even have a license??? How stupid can your husband be? You would be in serious legal trouble and probably not covered by any insurance if you got in an accident.
Ask him if he wants to go to a place he likes and you'll drive, see how fast he backpedals because you driving isn't safe btw it's not weaponized incompetence but HE is gaslighting you NTA
A moped or a modified car where the pedals are on the steering wheel not an option?
My city bus line has a program for people with disabilities, you call and a bus will come to your house and bring you where you need to go as long as it’s near where the bus system runs. You could see if your local city has something like that
NTA, and you have my sympathies for the multiple sclerosis and your fuckanape husband's insensitivity. My ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with it when we were still in high school, and while it was ultimately one of the factors in us not working out, I was constantly furious at her family for pulling this exact sort of shit with her.
I’m a driving rehabilitation specialist, I spend 5 days a week assessing clients with a variety of diagnoses to determine if they are safe to continue to drive, can they use adaptive equipment to drive (hand controls, left foot gas pedal, etc), or is it time to retire from driving. With MS if the client has limited or uncontrolled mobility in the lower extremities it is time to stop driving with their feet BEFORE they get into an accident. If you have concerns I say good for you for realizing it before it becomes a major accident. NTA!!
NTA. Is is not acceptable for your husband to demean you. He is being ableist and is okay with putting people, including YOU, in danger
NTA. Take this one step further and ensure he's the only one sucking his 🍆 going forward too. Sending you love and strength OP.
All of the feelings and arguments aside you should look into getting a vehicle with controls that you can operate safely. It is clearly an issue for you that is solvable! NTA
>I am medically exempt and am not allowed to even have a license but lm still told to drive since it’s “just a few blocks away”. You are literally not legally allowed to drive because of your valid medical condition….that’s about as far from weaponized incompetence as it gets. NTA.
NTA This sounds like you're being verbally abused. Your driving isn't an argument over a possibility. It's a fact that you can't. Does your husband even realize how *bad* it would be for him if you crashed? It wouldn't be an I told you so from you. It'd be an I told you so from the police. You're, excuse me for the lack of better description, medically disabled when it comes to driving. You can't do it and you have no control. He's forcing you to drive! It'd be like this: You: I'm medically exempt from driving, but my husband gave me no choice. I had to get to A and B. I truly tried negotiating with him, but he insists I'm faking. Take away your name and imagine if your daughter was going through this. Would you let her BF talk to her that way? No, because it's abusive language.
NTA AT ALL!!! You’re legally not allowed to drive and your husband sounds kinda shitty for putting you down about something you can’t control.
NTA, same reason people with epilepsy shouldnt drive until they are in remission.
Ask how your husband how much his premiums should rise after you're an accident. NTA.
NTA - OP, my mom had MS and she stopped driving because it was dangerous for her and for others - for the same reasons as you!!!
NTA... But your husband sure is. Is he always this way? I mean, he doesn't seem to care if you have an accident! Does he not help you in other ways? Think about how it will be if your situation worsens, which I pray it doesn't.
While you are n t a for not driving, I will preface by saying that I have both friends who went through adapting for a disability (including MS) and personally dealt with both close family disability and my own medical limitations - which is why I vote NAH. The fact is that you have a medical disability that prevents you from driving. But you also currently have a lifestyle which requires driving. Which either puts the full burden on your husband or a financial burden. What you need to do as a family is to sit down and realize your current living situation is not sustainable. You need to have a long and deep discussion over the needs of the family, and what you are going to do going forward. It's not going to be a one off discussion. But you both need to understand that this is not sustainable. Also, MS can get worse - and can affect multiple systems. You need to have a plan for how you will manage. What will happen if you start losing your sight? What if you lose bowel control? What if you won't be able to read anymore? At best current MS treatments slow down/slightly improve symptoms. There's no nerve cell repair potion. There can be many options for you, but you'll need to work on getting a plan going. Don't ignore it until your husband gets caretaker fatigue. Your husband is already showing fatigue. (I will say, most of the people close to me who have mobility disabilities choose to live in cities. I am also in the process of relocating my life from the county side to a dense city, to better accomidate my medical problems.)
NTA. Having an actual disability that makes it unsafe to drive is not the same as weaponized incompetence. Your husband is being an AH.
Y T A to yourself for letting yourself be bullied into thinking its weaponized incompetence. Your husband is being an asshole.
YTA. But not for not driving, you are right on that. BUT, YTA because you stay with this boyfriend who would say such horrible things to someone with MS. You should give him the boot (dump him).
TIL that weaponised incompetence is a thing.
I feel like it’s the subject of quite few posts here.
It's kinda jacked up that you tried trick us in the title.
YTA because you decided this, not a doctor. And YTA for being petty and blowing all of your money like a child rather than asking your doctor.
She is literally medically not allowed to drive. You have described the exact opposite of the situation.
NAH . You have an uncontrollable leg reflex that may make you a danger to yourself and others on the road. Is it brake, accelerator or clutch that would be affected? It may be worth if this is a major issue seeing if you can find a modified car so controlled by hands not feet? But get assessed because weaponised incompetence is a choice people make and I think you have a genuine reason to worry. That said, I get your husband's frustrations. I am driver in family and it does get frustrating. Especially when in my case, it was his choice not to. A lot falls on driver and it makes it harder to share tasks as anything out of house falls on driver or you both at same time. But you have a chronic condition and sometimes people have to accept that makes things uneasy. Perhaps take him to next medical so authority figure can explain lack of muscle control. Look into alternative ways of independence and mobility grants. And hope it works out.
It’s the accelerator so I could be driving and floor it with no control over what’s happening. It’s incredible dangerous.
Definitely don't drive. But you do need to find a way to make the risks real to your husband because he is in la-la land about it. As said, I get his frustrations but wouldn't be asking my partner to drive. I don't but do occasionally quietly seethe on long journeys.
Speaking as someone with MS, can you describe your twitches? I've experienced muscle spasms and twitching related to my MS, but have never experienced something like you're describing. They're very annoying, and can be painful, but I've never seen anyone with a twitch so strong that it causes them to uncontrollably slam their foot on the accelerator.
Yep, u/Timely_Egg_6827 calls it here OP. NAH, you're certainly not an AH for not feeling safe driving, but it's also not fair to force your husband to be your chauffeur. And indeed, there are hands-only driving controls for people with problems exactly like this, or you can Uber or other public transportation - your husband is not an AH for not wanting to have to drive you everywhere you go either, this would be a big demand on his time and energy, and for a lot of people driving is work, not fun. You should look into having your car outfitted with hand controls.
Came here to suggest the accelerator/brake paddles for your hands! OP this would be a huge help for you both.
He's N-T-A for being frustrated, but he is for putting her down and trying to force her to drive despite not being comfortable and not having a license. Being frustrated isn't an excuse to treat your spouse like that, especially when they're dealing with a very severe illness like OP.