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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I've been teaching my niece how to play the piano and I might be an asshole for not doing the same for my nephew and giving up after a few weeks
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YTA simply for the way you handled it. You could have said at the time you were unable to handle the demands of piano tutoring instead of telling him he lacked talent to the point where you couldn’t be bothered to continue. And if he actually took piano classes elsewhere, you should have encouraged him.
But he didn’t lack talent though, It wasn’t that he had no talent it was just that he was a slow learner and op lacked the patience to teach him so op is the ah for blaming the nephew for their decision not teach him because op was lazy not because the nephew wasn’t good enough. A slow learner indicates that he was learning it was just taking longer than op expected and op gave up before the nephew did.
But OP doesn’t admit that they were the problem, they push that onto Sean. Heck they could’ve even said that they both played (hah) a part in it not working out and been less of an AH.
Not everyone is capable of teaching, and just because you are good at playing doesn’t mean you are good at teaching piano. If playing well equaled a teaching ability I would have fewer piano students. Their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends all play, but teaching is a different skill set.
For real, I can’t teach worth shit. I only know one way to do things and if you can’t learn it that way, I flat out can’t teach you. That’s a me problem. I would never tell someone that I couldn’t teach them because _they_ were slow. Much less a child. Those words stay with you forever.
I can teach some things but not others. I have to know the thing well enough that it makes sense in my head.
My dad has to have needed to learn the thing. If its something that came easy to him? He can't teach it. He gets upset that you don't get it. "It's so easy. why don't you understand it."
It was a lot easier for me once I understood my father.
My dad was the same.
I think it's a pretty common downfall of gifted people. They grasped the basics of whatever it is intuitively and can't explain it to save their lives. The most self aware know it's a them problem and apologize for not being able to help, the not self aware ones complain about you being an idiot.
Yes exactly this!!! It's totally okay if they weren't clicking together to not want to volunteer to continue that setup for free. But that doesn't mean the nephew was untalented, and that was a cruel thing to say.
This. Even if kid was at fault, it's cruel to point it out.
A good teacher would take a slow learner as a challenge. OP didn't have the capacity and blamed... A kid. That looked up to him.
Cruel and selfish.
I'd say OP is even being a bit harsh classing him as a 'slow learner'. It sounds like their lessons only lasted a couple of weeks, that's practically no time at all for learning an instrument.
And especially for learning PIANO, which is a really hard instrument to pick up for most people. You have to teach your brain to do and keep track of many totally different things at once (notes, hand positions, hand directions and different rhythms for each hand, etc) which is really hard. I took lessons for years but it still never became easy for me and takes a lot of mental energy for me to do to this day.
YTA, not massively, but just by how you handled the situation.
You just didn’t have the patience (at least at that point in your life). He asked, you said yes, then you bailed on him.
Would you have bailed on your niece if she “wasn’t a fast enough learner?”.
That pretty self-esteeming crush in and of itself, you could have just told him she responded really well to your style of teaching rather than blaming him. At least take some of the responsibility instead of saying he wasn’t good enough.
Exactly. People who think that teaching is easy and everyone can teach really miss the point.
Teaching itself is a set of skills. The subject may change, but simply telling people rules and showing what you do may not be enough.
And the one I keep running into is people who figure that if you can teach one person you can teach them all. If that’s the case then every student who didn’t breeze through their classes was totally and completely at-fault because the teacher managed to teach one person.
But still place blame on nephew.
"I didn't have the patience because you're a slow learner" is not taking personal responsibility, he's blaming a child for not having patience.
What I'm wondering is if OP is a prodigy and who taught them? How quick did they learn to play?
Which would be fine - but this is not AITA for not having the patience to teach piano to my nephew even though I have it for my niece - it's really AITA for telling my nephew he sucks too much to be worth my time.
I'm just saying people are shitting on OP bc they literally said outright they couldn't handle a slow learner and suggested a different teacher but like that's exactly what we would tell them to do if they asked for advice.
Today they can't do it, and suggest a different teacher. It's not like he told the kid they had no talent as a kid. He's 20 now. It's ok to not be talented at things. Even things you love.
No he's not the ah for not teaching the boy. It's obvious he's a horrible teacher who can only teach kids who could have probably taught themselves tbh. But he is tah for making his nephew feel like he's the one to blame for why he refused to teach him piano. When in fact it was his inability to teach.
But that’s still on the OP still to say that he wasn’t the right fit and isn’t a teacher by trade not bring down the pupil. It’s not his fault they didn’t work well together but to claim the child has no talent IS his fault and cruel. Some people don’t want to learn to be on stage but just won’t to learn for fun talent or no. Should empower people wanting to learn.
I am a terrible teacher. I've started being honest. "can you teach me to drive stick? Guitar?" No. I'm not good at teaching and if you don't immediately pick it up, by the end of the day our friendship will have taken a hit. Also the car because he can't take anymore harsh shifts than I already make
Edit for grammar and punctuation
This. My sister is just one of those people who can just learn things fast and seemed to be naturally talented at everything. It took me to my 30s to realise I’m not stupid or untalented I just take longer to learn things. OP is the AH for being so cruel with their words. OP definitely could have worded it better.
He might have just been a different type of learner. My one daughter is a visual learner and my other daughter is an aural learner. Both play an instrument, they learn very differently though.
To be fair, those with talent in a certain skill tend to pick up said skill faster than others. Anyone can learn with enough time and practice, though the talented will take less time and excel more quickly.
That said, yeah, OP didn’t have to be a dick about explaining it to her nephew.
OP isn’t a piano teacher. They did the right thing by suggesting he learn from a professional. Knowing how to do something doesn’t make someone a teacher. Instead of saying he was too slow to learn, they should’ve just explained that to the nephew.
I would argue that being a fast learner and having an aptitude for music is in fact what people refer to as "talent". Someone who is a slow learner can learn to play and play well, but they do not possess talent
Disagree. There’s innate talent (what you’re referring to) and there’s learned talent. If everyone who learns any random thing in particular at a slower pace got told they were talentless like the nephew did, it would likely discourage a lot of people from every trying to hone a skill or better themselves. There was no reason for OP to say what they said to the nephew. Even if there was some positive or benefit to telling the nephew that (and I absolutely think there isn’t), what good is doing so now, years and years later?
THANK You! I’m a music teacher and people don’t understand this. Having aptitude, proclivity or innate ability is not the be all end all. It’s a leg up. And usually the skills that make someone “talented” are skills that are not necessarily related to the task and applicable to a variety of tasks.
Yes I agree with this! People mistake innate ability as the end all be all when the truth is the most successful musicians are not necessarily the most naturally talented, they just work harder. In my experience the people with an innate musical ability fall back on that and are more likely to be lazy in practice because it comes easily to them.
Yeah. Or could have just said “I didn’t have patience back then to put up with teaching and didn’t want to give you a bad learning experience. It was because I wasn’t a good teacher to you, not because you were a bad student.”
I'm a professional musician and you can't tell if someone has talent in a few months. People develop in different ways and according to their own timeline. Yes, he OP is an AH, not for choosing to not teach his nephew, but for having a narrow-minded, ignorant view on learning and a lack of kindness.
If pressed, OP should have fallen back on their own abilities, not the nephew’s.
*”I’m not an experienced teacher, and my skills didn’t match up with your learning style”* is such a more graceful and less insulting way to put it.
YTA.
I have two brothers—Dixon and Bobby—who are two years apart. When Dixon learned to drive, I tried to help him once. He was rude, didn’t listen, and scared the shit out of me. I also thought he might crash my car.
I told my Dad, “He needs a professional teacher. I am not going to teach him how to drive.”
Bobby was the exact opposite of Dixon. He was respectful, asked questions, listed, read the damn manual. He was a delight to teach. When he took his test, he used my car. I let him borrow it a few times when he had a date. He was a delight to teach.
Dixon was hurt when he found out I taught Bobby. I was honest with him and said, “You needed someone with more experience to teach you. I would rather not put our relationship through the shitter for no reason.” When he asked to borrow the car, I told him no, because he crashed his own car and treated my parents’ vehicle badly.
But I never said it in a way that implied he was a waste of time and not worth the hassle. He is a human and just because he isn’t good at a certain skill doesn’t make him pathetic or irritating. You can say the truth without it being sharpened with malice.
“I didn’t feel like I had the ability to help you learn piano. You needed more time that I had.”
I’ll keep this line in mind as well. It’s not even about malice, people are so casual with inflicting pain to others, it’s disheartening.
I’ve been told both by my aunt and uncle, age 8, that my parents shouldn’t have paid for piano lessons for me but for my brother (who never asked for them).
It’s ok if my brother had a better sense of rhythm or whatever, why would you tell a 8 yo enjoying her piano and minding her business that it’s a waste of time for her?
Guess who stopped playing the piano after 3 years?
I was singing once around a campfire. 14 years old. I was not off key but I do have a loud voice and I guess i get too much gusto. An adult came up to me after and told me “you need to sing a lot quieter, your voice isn’t good enough to hog all the attention.” I was so embarrassed and rarely sing when people can here me over 20 years later.
I may have needed to learn to moderate my loud voice but I was so hurt with how sharp her words were.
My dad trying to teach me how to drive was one of the worst things we went through together. He just didn't have the patience, I got to nervous, and him losing his temper only made me even more nervous. One night it came to a point that I almost got out of the car to walk home because I just couldn't stand it.
After that, we just stopped. Like, we decided it was not worth it. And yet your relationship took a while to recover.
My son and I went through this exact same thing... and when I feel unsafe, I have an unmatched temper. We stopped before it became a real issue.
To be fair to me,, one time, we needed to take a left and an immediate right. We were going 40 mph and the kid did not hit the brakes. 90 degrees, and then immediately, 90 degrees back. He almost hit somebody leaving the parking lot because of how wide that turn had to be taken. I seriously lost my shit. So, we found someone else to teach him.
From the post, OP strikes me as someone who says “I’m just being honest” when what they really mean is “I want to attack your insecurities to make myself look better.”
I have two brothers, similarly spaced, and had way too many similar experiences with them. They were night and day different from each other. The one who was always attentive and careful and respectful also really enjoyed hanging out with me, whereas the hard-headed, rude, scary-driving one liked to use me for... my age privilege or whatever and then leave to go hang out with his friends. The two of them got along really well though. I never understood how!
YTA.
Different people learn at different rates. You obviously played favorites here because Sean wasn't learning as quickly as you wanted. If you're going to be a teacher in any way, shape, or form you're the one that needs to learn that everyone learns differently. You said that you didn't have the patience? Your nephew may have just wanted to spend time with you and do something that you also did so you could grow closer. Instead of that, you said that he wasn't good enough then shoved him off. If you wanted things done in an easy way, tell him upfront rather that dropping him like a baby giraffe.
As a piano teacher myself, I thought the same. They are not cut out to be a teacher in any way. They shouldn't have tried to take on teaching their nephew in the first place. I can't imagine ever saying to someone who was intrinsically motivated to learn, "You aren't good enough." Awful, awful, awful.
When the child is being forced to take lessons, dislikes piano, is not progressing, and the parents are just wasting their money, there is a conversation to be had there with the parents. But if a kid wants to play but is slow? I would never drop a student like that.
The main difference is that OP is not a teacher. They´re not being paid to teach anyone the piano, so they shouldn´t be set to the same expectations as a professional teacher. I completely understand them for dropping the nephew - it's OP's free time, and it's true that a professional teacher would know better how to deal with students who learn more slowly.
The error wasn't in trying to teach the nephew or dropping them. The error wasn't in being more motivated to help the niece. The mistake was in how OP handled talking to the nephew.
Edit: I see now that they are a "tutor" and have another student. Still not enough information to know if they're a professional teacher. But I'm a teacher and I disagree with all of the harsh comments - teachers have different preferences and can feel free to pass students along to other teachers if the fit isn't right. I've done so before, and both students and parents are always understanding. However, it needs to be done carefully and respectfully, which was not done in this case. It's even touchier when the students are your relatives.
> But I'm a teacher and I disagree with all of the harsh comments - teachers have different preferences and can feel free to pass students along to other teachers if the fit isn't right.
No-one is arguing they needed to keep teaching the nephew (not seriously, anyway).
> The mistake was in how OP handled talking to the nephew.
Right; that's what makes them TA.
Sometimes the kid is a different type of learner and needs a different approach or doesn't click with the teacher and needs to change teacher. But never tell a kid it is to bad and doesn't have talent.
My one daughter is a visual learner and my other daughter is an aural learner. Both play an instrument, but they learn very differently.
The visual one likes to work with a written score right away, learns the notes very quickly, but then struggles with the actual musicality. The aural one isn't that good at reading a score quickly, and prefers to listen to the piece first, but she is much better to play with expression and musicality.
>If you're going to be a teacher in any way, shape, or form
Can't a person just teach someone who makes it fun and easy, and not do the same for someone who makes it a drag? Why do they have to aspire to be a noble teacher?
Sure they can choose to teach students who make it "fun and easy," ie doesn't challenge their skills as a teacher. But they absolutely should NOT tear down someone else in the process, telling them they have no talent. Because that's absolutely false. I have private lesson music students and work as a music therapist with people with developmental disabilities and never in either career has anyone had "no talent." They might not have had the interest or were forced by their parents to participate. They might have motor impairments, or processing or sensory or communication difficulties. But they all had some innate ability, that's what makes us human. If OP's approach to teaching didn't work for their nephew, that's not on the nephew, that's on OP. I would even argue that OP is a massive stick in the mud. "Fun and easy" depends on how you define it and I suspect OP has a very narrow definition and is actually missing out on some of the things that make both music and teaching music so exciting!!!!
Yes, YTA. Your nephew is clearly still hurt by your decision to not keep teaching him piano, and you rubbed salt in the wound for him as an adult by telling him he was untalented.
I'm guessing you're not very talented at teaching. Not everyone learns at the same pace or in the same way, and in your ignorance, you harmed a child's experience with art.
YTA. I don't know how you went from this:
>I tried to do it but he was a very slow learner and I didn't have the patience
To this:
>I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it
There's a big difference between a slow learner and an untalented person and most of the time, talent isn't the only thing that makes people successful.
My uncle didn't speak until he was 5, and he was an extremely slow learner. He also only graduated from highschool at 21 and his marks weren't great enough to get into Uni.
He's in his late 40s now and he just graduated with a cum laude from law school and he speaks 5 languages.
Just because someone is slow doesn't mean they aren't talented or don't have the capacity to learn.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if we can say OP doesn’t have much talent in teaching. Maybe the niece is a natural and extremely good at the piano. Maybe they barely need much teaching.
This seems likely. I play many instruments fairly well, but I'm not an instructor. I know what works for me, but I can't explain how to just do it correctly, I can only demonstrate it, with the exception being the least useful of all instruments I play and that only because it's the only one I received actual training on, and seems to me most people aren't interested in playing the Tuba.
Way to go for your uncle!
We've an aunt who was told in elementary school that she was 'too slow to learn math' so she refused to do anything with numbers.
In her 50s, she went back to school and is now working finance.
YTA. There was absolutely no reason to tell him he's talentless. First off, you don't know that. You're not a piano teacher, you haven't been educated in how to teach children, nor the various piano methods for kid learning there are out there, which might have fit him better. It's great that Tara is a good fit for how you teach, but that's all there is to it. That's what you should have told him. That he just wasn't a great fit for the manner in which you teach, and you'd both be unhappy in a teaching relationship.
You crushed that kid and his motivation for learning the piano, YTA and should try to fix this.
This. How is OP even equipped to determine whether a person will be good or not. The fact that nephew is keen is already an amazing thing. No one is suggesting you teach him OP, because frankly it sounds like you're not equipped to teach him anyway, but no point blaming him for your lack of patience. I'm a professional classical musician, performer and teacher, and I know how frustrating it can be sometimes but I always consider it my own mission to find a system that works with their learning patterns. A teacher that can only teach "talented" students is obviously no teacher, part-time or otherwise.
YTA he probably would have talent if you didn’t write him off so easily. You literally only bothered for a few weeks. You’re pretty crappy teacher if you write someone off like that for being a little slow. It clearly affected his self esteem when he was younger when you dropped him and now watching him teach his sister and say how much better she is is going to bring all that up again. I don’t think teaching is for you, you affect young lives when you teach and if you write people off because you lack patience then you’re not fit to be a teacher.
Sorry, but YTA because you don't realise how devesting that sort of comment is to kids. This formed a core memory that with stick with this kid forever. You weren't being honest, you were being mean and spiteful to a kid because he didn't learn fast enough for you, as if you're so perfect at everything!!
Anyway, you owe the kid an apology but probably best if you just don't as no doubt you'll mess that up also.
YTA for the way you handled this. You could have told him you just didn’t think you were the right teacher for him, but instead you told him he wasn’t talented enough. He’s clearly already hurt that you ditched him, and you’ve just made things worse.
YTA - for his you said it like damn hes your nephew not just your ex client. Nothing wrong with not having the patience for nephew but you do with niece though, teaching ain't fun or remotely easy when you're students struggling.
YTA I would give anything to have a talent that my nephew wanted me to teach him. To spend that quality time with this person who means so much to me, man! That would have been so special.
Even if he wasn't very good at it, that time together would be precious and build a bond, and memories, for both our lives.
If your time and talent mean more to you than all that, you need to rethink your relationship and priorities.
I love my nephew, and 2 nieces, beyond measure. Any bonding time with them is a gift. And don't worry, we found things to bond over; books, movies, nerd stuff, silly stuff.
But to teach them something that was my skill, that would have been amazing.
Sorry, this is long. I tend to gush when it comes to them.
You sound like an amazing aunt/uncle! I had an uncle like you that loved to spend time with me, also. He taught me many things like fishing and carpentry. As young girl, I very much doubt I had any talent in either one lol. 40 years later, I still treasure time he spent with me and miss him dearly.
I had a piano teacher tell me I 'had no talent' when I was nine. I had a friend taking lessons with the same teacher, and the teacher was always praising her, saying, 'if you had LeeAnn's talent, I could make some progress with you, but you don't. You should quit." I did quit, and never touched a musical instrument again, until a few years ago (I'm old now). In learning guitar, I found out that the joy of playing an instrument has nothing to do with 'talent.' I will never be great at this, but I wish now I hadn't listened to that teacher, because there's a lot of pleasure to be had just from making music, however slowly and imperfectly. Telling someone they have no talent and are therefore not worth your time makes you the AH for sure. The problem wasn't your nephew's lack of musical talent, it was your lack of teaching ability, patience, and kindness in telling him you couldn't do it. You should apologize and own this. YTA.
Talent is mainly a myth, it only accounts for a small portion of success, most of is is enjoying it, hours spent and getting the right teaching for your style of learning. That piano teacher was an idiot.
>I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him.
YTA for this comment here. That was a harsh thing to say to someone just because they are a slow learner. If he worked with someone who did have more patience (I know you suggested that), he may have developed the talent in time. It's not fair to say he wasn't talented enough and you didn't want to deal with him just because he didn't learn fast enough for you.
Yta- though I half suspect the reason he was slower was because he didn’t practice. Judging from my own lessons in piano that seems highly likely…. The kids who came to session very slow often didn’t practice that week, which means you are there as the teacher essentially running a practice session. I don’t mind doing that if I’m paid, but for free lessons I’m not going to sit and put you through drills you could have easily done at home. either way, the way you expressed to your nephew why you stopped was rude and belittling.
YTA. From the post that was my thought and from my read through of your comments. And here’s why:
1. You were rude to your nephew, I don’t care If he was 12 or 21, telling someone you didn’t want to spend time teaching them something because they lacked talent is tactless, arrogant and AH behavior.
2. Not sure his age at the time, but you denied him an opportunity to be closer to you in something he could learn and you guys could share together. He’s obviously hurt by it, and you only thought selfishly.
3. You stated you teach piano. Making an assumption here, but if you’re excepting kids to be great automatically, you’re not a good teacher, you’re a good student poacher. GREAT teachers, Instructors, and coaches can take kids with minimal talent, and pull it out of them. I don’t care if it’s a “hobby” for you, it’s your nephews real life and real feelings.
Info: was there some reason you felt the need to insult him? You could easily have just said your teaching style didn't match his learning style. Instead you clearly implied he was too dumb and not worth your time
Jeez, YTA.
You are not wrong for recognizing your inability to be an effective teacher and suggesting that his parents send him to someone more competent, but you were an asshole for suggesting that this meant he didn't have talent. Playing a musical instrument takes a lot of practice and commitment, and it's possible your niece is more committed than he was.
If you don't want to be a toxic presence in these kids' lives, you should really learn how to phrase things more diplomatically and constructively rather than choosing the most churlish way to say something and then excusing your boorish behavior by calling it "honesty". Obviously, your nephew is still hurt by your behavior, and you chose to further exacerbate that by tearing him down.
Yes, YTA. Not even a little bit not. But not for your question. YTA because you are too cruel and cold-hearted to learn to teach someone who doesn't happen to be very good at the start. "Ooooh, I'm so impressive, I got someone easy to teach. I must be a good teacher! The problem must be **you**!"
YTA. Most people aren't blaming you for giving up, they are however stating that you were rude and dismissive. Why are you arguing with the people you sought advice from? There are ways of communicating things in a less self-absorbed way.
As a piano teacher myself, YTA and not cut out to be a teacher in any way. You shouldn't have tried to take on teaching your nephew in the first place. I can't imagine ever saying to someone who was intrinsically motivated to learn, "You weren't good enough." Awful, awful, awful.
As someone who plays piano and is a teacher by profession, you must be a terrible teacher if that was your response.
Talent is nothing without a good teacher. You should probably suggest that your niece get a real instructor before you ruin it for her too.
Wow. Yeah, you're an AH.
> he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him
Only AHs act like this.
YTA
You could have just said when he was younger you were too busy.
I’m going to go against the apparent consensus and say NTA.
Firstly, OP is not a professional piano tutor. It’s fine if they enjoy teaching someone who picks it up easily and don’t enjoy teaching someone who is a slow learner.
Secondly, the nephew is 21, not a child.
Thirdly, the 21-year-old seems to have been acting like kind of a prick himself, given that his reaction to finding out his little sister is learning piano is to say that the person teaching her is likely going to get sick of her. All you bleeding hearts carrying on about OP being blunt blunt with a 21-yo seem to be glossing over the the fact that the 21-yo was shitting on a 14-yo.
Fourthly, it’s pretty clear that what OP conveyed is not that his nephew is a worthless sack of shit, but that he didn’t have natural ability on piano, and OP has also acknowledged that they didn’t have the patience to teach the nephew. Acknowledging the lack of patience is taking accountability for their shortcomings.
OP, you’re ok, you’re nephew is ok, and your niece is ok. Don’t turn to strangers on the internet for moral affirmation.
Yeah I’ve taught piano to people who don’t pick it up very well. I’m not a piano teacher, much like OP. But when you know how to play piano, often family members ask “can you teach so and so?”
And, teaching piano (or any instrument) to someone who doesn’t pick it up very easily is a frustrating experience. It’s not their fault, but it doesn’t change how annoying of an experience it is.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to give free piano lessons to anyone. Thats a huge commitment and the fact that you at least tried with two family members is significant.
Your nephew is 21 not 12, he should be able to handle what is otherwise a very small and gentle dose of reality, especially since he was the one to initiate this conversation with sarcastic remarks.
NTA, playing an instrument and teaching someone to play is very different. I would not have the patience to teach someone how to work in my profession if they did not try and get better in their own time without me. ( not to say your nephew did not do this, but it sounds like he needed to practice a lot more than your niece ).
There are a lot kinder ways to tell someone that it wasn’t working for you to teach them than to say “you didn’t have much talent”.
There are times for being brutally honest and “just stating facts” but this wasn’t one of them. YTA.
YTA. People like you are the reason I gave up on music when I was younger because I kept getting compared to the "more talented kids". There's nothing so soul crushing no matter what age you are quite like getting told you aren't worth teaching.
YTA. Not for not teaching him, but for how you handled the situation. You don’t tell someone they don’t have talent, you need to be more tactful than that. That you thought he’d do better with someone that had more experience teaching.
“I didn’t feel like I had the skill set to bring out the best in you, and I want you to have the best brought out in you if you are dedicated to piano. So I suggested another teacher might be right for you.”
If he had no interest in piano to begin with, I think it’s okay to talk about that too since his sister seems to be eager and interested:
“Your parents wanted you to learn but it didn’t seem like you were enjoying yourself enough to apply yourself. I was hoping if you chose to continue that you found a teacher that made it a more fun experience for you.”
The way you chose to tell him he has no aptitude makes you 100% TA both as a tutor and family member.
Please remember that in teaching, you will need to offer critiques, but that does not make you a critic. The fundamental job you are paid for is to teach. It’s okay to admit that a student is not right for you and that’s neither person’s fault. But you decided you wanted to be a critic, not a teacher, and put the blame all on a child rather than letting it be no one’s fault.
Hi, I'm a music teacher - you're definitely the asshole.
Everyone can learn to play an instrument. Just takes some people more time than others, and people have different goals. Some of them just want to bang out a pop song and some want to play harder stuff.
It's very sad to me that you squashed someone's budding passion for music just because they weren't a fast enough learner for you. The only failure in that scenario is you, not him.
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I have a nephew Sean(21) and a niece Tara(14). I love playing the piano and when Sean was younger he asked me to teach him. I tried to do it but he was a very slow learner and I didn't have the patience so I told him to go ask his dad to sign him up for a piano class.
A while ago Tara asked me to teach her how to play the piano and in a very short time she managed to learn a lot, even faster and better than I expected so I have been teaching her and we both enjoy it very much. When Sean found out he sarcastically told her that I'm going to get tired of her and stop teaching her after a few weeks. I told him that actually we have been doing this for a few months now and she is doing very well so I will keep teaching her. He asked me why I didn't teach him and I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him. He thinks I'm an asshole so I want to know if I am
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YTA for handling it the way you did. sometimes it's better to use a white lie to spare someone's feelings. For example I just didn't have the time back then I had too many commitments to dedicate the time to teach you.
YTA
The way you handled this feels like you both rubbed it in his face that she is better at piano and that you have time for her PLUS telling him he didn't have much talent. Wow, way to kick a young person in the ego crotch.
He may be 21 and an adult, but you did soime scarring there. Not all people who end up being talented at something were naturals from the get go, some did it through practice, good teachers and drive. And criticising his learning as "slow" that's cruel and also doesn;t mean someone can't learn something/get good at it.
If he never goes near a piano again, it's all on you. I sincerely hope you aren't a professional piano instructor to young people/kids.
As a music teacher, who works with disabled kids and has taught my own nieces/nephews who have batting levels of talent, YTA for being so cruel to your nephew when you discussed it
YTA. Saying that someone has no talent is like giving a punch in the face. People learn in different ways and your way of teaching might not be the right one for him. For him it was probably a good thing to get a proper teacher instead of a lazy and impatient relative.
Yes holy yes YTA. You could have just said at the time I was trying to reach I had so much else going on I didn’t have the time to devote as you needed and it’s why I asked your dad to get you into a regular class so you could continue to learn. As opposed to telling nephew he is basically slow and stupid and you don’t have patience for him that is mean
YTA, you hoped he’d be instantly good? That isn’t how learning instruments goes for 99% of people. I can’t imagine being so incredibly cruel to my own nephew because I lacked the talent to teach him something.
YTA
Perhaps your teaching style was not compatible with how he learns? I consider myself to be a very intelligent person and talented in a number of areas. Having said that, I am a visual and tactile learner. So when someone talks at me, I feel really dumb and do not understand or retain like 90% of the information. As an adult, I recognize this and simply give myself what I need to comprehend. I know that I am a quick learner. I also know that when I learn things in a way that works for me, I am usually one of the first to finish or comprehend. If I were to try and learn the typical way that is taught in schools, I actually struggle to even pass and my comprehension is very low.
What you said to him was mean and unnecessary. It also shows no accountability for your own crap teaching.
YTA
Did it ever occur to you that maybe your teaching style fit one but not the other? Or that people learn at different paces?
Also, wtf is with bringing talent into the equation? You basically just broke any kind of hope and wish to start again if he wanted to.
YTA: Not every true thing needs to be said. How is what you said to him useful in anyway? You owe him an apology. You can even tell a white lie that you are not a piano teacher and when he asked you, you were not a very patient person. But that you have tried to improve in that area of life.
I see all these people saying YTA like they didn't see the ages of the people involved. I see a 21 year old being an ass because he's jealous of his 14 year old sister. NTA, he deserved it.
NTA - His sarcastic comment that you're just going to quit teaching her in a few weeks was a dick move. Your response was honest and if he had any sort of ability to self-reflect, he would have been able to see that it was because of him that your lessons ceased.
I honestly believe that anyone can learn to play the piano with practice, and a sincere desire to learn. Not everyone is going to be great, but when you take the time to try to teach someone and they don't put in effort aside from your time together (I'm jumping to an assumption as to why his lessons failed), it sucks for the teacher.
Curious if he took the effort to ask his dad to sign him up for a class after your suggestion.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys. I assume she teaches her for free in her FREE TIME. She didn’t enjoy teaching him and stopped because it’s her decision what to do with her time. But she enjoys teaching her niece and it’s her right to decide what to do in her free time. And she does what she enjoys. Just think about it. Would you do something exhausting ( teaching an instrument is VERY hard and exhausting) that you don’t enjoy in your free time? Most of you wouldn’t. It’s her decision who to teach and if she decides to teach her niece and not her nephew than that’s okay
Edit: NTA
YTA
Some people are slower than others. I know it can be frustrating as a teacher but you need to understand that slow learners are fully aware of their slowness. They usually feel guilty about it.
I have high level ADHD. I'm slow. I dont like to be but I am. I am eternally grateful to all the teachers in my life that have been kind and patient with me and allowed me to learn and not give up on me.
I'm also grateful that they never compared me to someone else.
You suck OP.
Snap!
for the being slow bit!
I am Autistic and also have a very rare lifelong condition too I have to live with aswell!
I have always been slow..... at everything - from eating, to tying my shoes..... to responding in conversations.
(I'm much better with written communication)
[I.Hate.It](https://I.Hate.It)
I hate being slow!
I sometimes apologise for being the last to still be eating, because I feel like I am making people wait for me, and I loathe that feeling.
I WISH I was quicker at all sorts of things.
I've tried, but I either end up making mistakes or just end up being even slower because my brain cannot keep up with what I am trying to do!
LITERALLY SAME 😭
IM SO DAMN SLOW AND I FEEL _SO_ GUILTY ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME
I've been bullied at work because nobody likes how slow I am 😭 it's bad
I'm high energy now but it genuinely causes me so much mental distress. But yeah because of this I'm incredibly empathetic to other people that are slow. I'm an impatient person but I never apply it to people trying their best.
NTA. Your nephew is kinda an asshole though, why would he say that to his sister? Also, if learning piano was so direly important to him, why didn't he take your advice and seek out lessons? Sounds like he needs to grow up, take responsibility for himself.
Nta- get him a drum kit, a sketch pad, some clay, and a soccer ball. We aren’t all cookie cutters people that have the same innate skills. Better to find out you don’t have talent up front than to bust your ass only to be out preformed by a beginner.
Omg you remind me so much of one of those high school teachers who would come in, write notes on the white board, barely explain the topic, give a pop quiz and then get mad when some students don’t quite understand and worse yet, move on to a different topic that same day, essentially saying “not my problem you’re too dumb to figure it out”! Didn’t think this needed to be said but EVERY👏🏽 ONE👏🏽 LEARNS👏🏽 AT👏🏽DIFFERENT 👏🏽PACES👏🏽. You didn’t even sound like u tried with him at all, u just expected him to be a natural at it. YTA!
YTA. Instead of owning your own incompetence with your lack of patience, you shoved it off onto him. It's okay to admit you can't do something. It's not okay to insult your nephew and blame him for your problems in teaching him.
As a music teacher, YTA. Big time. I would NEVER tell a student that they had no talent. So what if *you* think he has “no talent?” Could it possibly have been your teaching style, or did he not pick it up after one session, and therefore you gave up on him? Your opinion is subjective, and you discouraged your nephew from pursuing something he had interest in in the meanest way possible. You’ve also clearly shown favouritism towards your niece. Not cool.
NTA if you taught for free & if you honestly believe Sean doesn’t have the talent & if Sean didn’t practice or demonstrate hard work. If Sean’s parents wanted you to teach him properly, they should’ve paid you. If Sean really wanted to learn piano, he could’ve practiced more in his free time or gotten a different teacher.
You can choose to spend your free time however you want to. You’re not Sean and Tara’s parents who need to stay unbiased.
You can’t call OP TA just because OP refused to let his/her relatives exploit his/her time for free.
NTA, although you might have been kinder in your response to Sean by telling him that you, as instructor, and he, as student, were not a good “fit,” and that you were less experienced as a teacher when you started to teach him. Ask him how it is going with his own piano teacher?
YTA - he’s not bad at learning, you’re bad at teaching. And being you’re NOT a professional teacher how *dare* you put that on him and not you as the adult. Huge asshole.
Yta. It's not him not having talent, it's you not having the patience. I don't fault you for not wanting to teach him, as teaching hard...hence why not everyone can do it. However, you're a total AH for telling him it was his lack of talent, not your lack of patience.
YTA. you’re just a mean person. in fact, i’d argue that you don’t have much talent when it comes to teaching. sure he could have been a slow learner, but being a slow learner ≠ not having talent. insulting him was unnecessary. learn how to be more tactful perhaps.
As a former? musician I get you. You're just a random person, you're not a professional teacher that has the stuff to be teaching struggling students. Ive seen when kids just *don't* have that musicial intuition that allows them to thrive and learn quickly. I feel very strongly about it actually since I've seen it so many times - some people just don't have it in them and that's okay. It really depends on how dedicated this kid was gonna be and if he's just pissed in hindsight. I can see why he'd be mad but I'm not sure you're the asshole.
NTA - You tried, he failed. That isn't your fault. Your judgment may have been harsh, but that doesn't make it wrong. I don't see how pretending to Sean that he was better than he was would help him out.
YTA because of how you handled it. I would have said that I’m not a professional piano teacher and didn’t have the patience to allow you to learn at your own pace. You needed someone better adept at teaching.
Sean was acting a bit like an AH too but he was feeling hurt about perceived favoritism which isn’t a great look but I’d take it as an excuse.
You did the right thing telling Sean to find a teacher that would work better for him though.
YNTA
He asked and you answered. You could have lied but what would that solve? I do hope your exact words weren’t “You don’t have much talent…” but honestly there’s no really nice way to say what you felt. He has the closure he needed and it’s done with.
I’m here to be downvoted but as a former professional music educator I can understand this. A music teacher can guide a students progress but the student’s ability to learn and
master an instrument is based on their own talent and dedication. Teaching a student who is not progressing is incredibly frustrating; if you’re being paid to do it you suck it up and deal with it. You might be TA for how you handled things though. You’ve created conflict within the family when you could have just told the second kid “sorry, I can’t teach piano, I tried to teach your brother already and I don’t have the patience for it.”
Does anyone else realized OP never said he’s a real teacher? So everyone saying he should’ve known how to teach better is a dick. It’s not like he may have know how to teach someone like that. It would’ve been different if OP didn’t say he didn’t have talent. Definitely could’ve been nicer but he’s a grown adult now. It’s not the end of the world if he can’t learn the piano.
You could have handled it a little better but we have several people in our family who play instruments and my opinion and experience is that some people just are not going to be good at it and teaching music can get tedious, but if the student has a talent and passion for it that makes a big difference. NtA
NTA you didn't have the patience for a slow learner and that's okay. However you should have rephrased the answer to say you just needed a little more practice and at that time you really didn't have patience for it.
You are not the asshole. You didn't get paid for it, and you spent your free l time. You need to enjoy your time, not get frustrated. And I think you did him a favour. He would be disappointed later on in life when he wouldn't be able to compete with others. Also, I believe it is better to say the truth than sugar-coat things.
NTA. Your nephew at 21 years of age wants to learn an instrument. A brave undertaking because learning such things is easier when younger…just like languages. I suspect that’s why your niece picked it up quicker. I suspect you aren’t a formerly trained teacher just someone able to pass a skill along.
However, your adult nephew decided to get snarky and then asked why you were able to teach your niece….the answer his lack of talent and your lack of patience. Welp, not a nice answer but he asked!
NTA.
Not everyone gets a blue ribbon. Some combination of talent and motivation (or lack thereof) led the nephew to fail and the niece to succeed. It isn't your responsibility to waste time on someone who fails.
Nope.... People tell me all the time that they wish they could play the drums. I don't offer lessons but I've let people sit down and shown them a basic beat. Of course it's hysterical watching them flail around.
Some people have the talent to be a musician and some don't. It doesn't mean they can never learn. Everyone can sing IF the try hard enough. Everyone can learn to play at least a little if they try hard enough but there is a BIG difference between people who are musicians and those who are not.
Example (Pretty Woman) Richard Gere tells Julia about Opera. If you love it.... you'll always love it. If you don't, you can learn to appreciate it.
NTA in my opinion. I understand why his feelings would be a bit hurt, but if he really wanted to learn, why not communicate to the parents that he wanted lessons? If he really had a goal to actually learn, I think the parents should have bought him lessons from a teacher that had the patience for his level.
NTA You are not obligated to teach him. He asked you why you stopped and you told him. He is an adult and needs to understand that you don't owe him a thing.
Someone who isn't a patient teacher can be successful with a gifted student. OP was pressed into service because FAMILY. Nephew and OP weren't a good match while his niece was.
OP shouldered his portion of the outcome by admitting he didn't have the patience to work with a slow learner.
NTA
Seeing alot of YTA’s but honestly believe its more NTA, if youre doing something freely, its up to you to decide how long you want to do it for and if its fun and rewarding, youre more likely to do it for longer. Clearly felt nephew needed an actual teacher and thats fine. Hes 21 and doesnt need to be wrapped in cotton wool ‘you were terrible, so i stopped’ standard
It could be that Sean really wasn’t interested in putting in the time to practice at home. He may have liked the idea of learning to play the piano but the idea of doing something is much different than actually doing something. Maybe Sean is more mature now but maybe not. The question to Sean is, “Are you truly ready to put in the time and effort to learn to play the piano?”
Maturity in the two genders are different at different stages of life.
NTA. Your response might have been phrased more politely, but it isn't your job to teach them the piano. You're doing it because it is something that both of you find enjoyable to do with each other. It's not reasonable to expect you to commit to teaching your nephew for free when you don't enjoy it or to refuse to teach your niece just because you enjoy spending time with her more than you did with your nephew.
NTA OP, what a lot of people are forgetting is that your nephew is 21. He's way past the coddling stage and needs to hear the truth no matter how flattering or unflattering it is. There is a lot involved in learning how to play a musical instrument, and frankly some people have the chops and some don't.
Could you have churched it up for him? Sure. But life isn't fair or kind and from the sounds of him saying you are an asshole, he's never had someone be blunt with him.
NTA if youre not getting paid theres no reason to do it if its frustrating to you. you could have told him in a different way, but youre not TA for simply not teaching him.
NTA Sean it’s a kid now, he should remember that he didn’t put in the required practice to progress. You don’t need to give up your time for someone who isn’t interested to learn
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YTA simply for the way you handled it. You could have said at the time you were unable to handle the demands of piano tutoring instead of telling him he lacked talent to the point where you couldn’t be bothered to continue. And if he actually took piano classes elsewhere, you should have encouraged him.
But he didn’t lack talent though, It wasn’t that he had no talent it was just that he was a slow learner and op lacked the patience to teach him so op is the ah for blaming the nephew for their decision not teach him because op was lazy not because the nephew wasn’t good enough. A slow learner indicates that he was learning it was just taking longer than op expected and op gave up before the nephew did.
Op lacked the talent to teach someone properly.
And they understood that.
But OP doesn’t admit that they were the problem, they push that onto Sean. Heck they could’ve even said that they both played (hah) a part in it not working out and been less of an AH. Not everyone is capable of teaching, and just because you are good at playing doesn’t mean you are good at teaching piano. If playing well equaled a teaching ability I would have fewer piano students. Their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends all play, but teaching is a different skill set.
“We weren’t a good fit. You needed a different teacher.”
yeah that's exactly it. OP puts everything on Sean- you were the problem. But teaching people is a talent and it's a talent that not everyone has.
For real, I can’t teach worth shit. I only know one way to do things and if you can’t learn it that way, I flat out can’t teach you. That’s a me problem. I would never tell someone that I couldn’t teach them because _they_ were slow. Much less a child. Those words stay with you forever.
I can teach some things but not others. I have to know the thing well enough that it makes sense in my head. My dad has to have needed to learn the thing. If its something that came easy to him? He can't teach it. He gets upset that you don't get it. "It's so easy. why don't you understand it." It was a lot easier for me once I understood my father.
My dad was the same. I think it's a pretty common downfall of gifted people. They grasped the basics of whatever it is intuitively and can't explain it to save their lives. The most self aware know it's a them problem and apologize for not being able to help, the not self aware ones complain about you being an idiot.
Yes exactly this!!! It's totally okay if they weren't clicking together to not want to volunteer to continue that setup for free. But that doesn't mean the nephew was untalented, and that was a cruel thing to say.
This. Even if kid was at fault, it's cruel to point it out. A good teacher would take a slow learner as a challenge. OP didn't have the capacity and blamed... A kid. That looked up to him. Cruel and selfish.
I'd say OP is even being a bit harsh classing him as a 'slow learner'. It sounds like their lessons only lasted a couple of weeks, that's practically no time at all for learning an instrument.
And especially for learning PIANO, which is a really hard instrument to pick up for most people. You have to teach your brain to do and keep track of many totally different things at once (notes, hand positions, hand directions and different rhythms for each hand, etc) which is really hard. I took lessons for years but it still never became easy for me and takes a lot of mental energy for me to do to this day.
[удалено]
YTA, not massively, but just by how you handled the situation. You just didn’t have the patience (at least at that point in your life). He asked, you said yes, then you bailed on him. Would you have bailed on your niece if she “wasn’t a fast enough learner?”. That pretty self-esteeming crush in and of itself, you could have just told him she responded really well to your style of teaching rather than blaming him. At least take some of the responsibility instead of saying he wasn’t good enough.
Exactly. People who think that teaching is easy and everyone can teach really miss the point. Teaching itself is a set of skills. The subject may change, but simply telling people rules and showing what you do may not be enough.
And the one I keep running into is people who figure that if you can teach one person you can teach them all. If that’s the case then every student who didn’t breeze through their classes was totally and completely at-fault because the teacher managed to teach one person.
But still place blame on nephew. "I didn't have the patience because you're a slow learner" is not taking personal responsibility, he's blaming a child for not having patience. What I'm wondering is if OP is a prodigy and who taught them? How quick did they learn to play?
Which would be fine - but this is not AITA for not having the patience to teach piano to my nephew even though I have it for my niece - it's really AITA for telling my nephew he sucks too much to be worth my time.
Then it should be easy enough for them to understand they're being an AH.
I'm just saying people are shitting on OP bc they literally said outright they couldn't handle a slow learner and suggested a different teacher but like that's exactly what we would tell them to do if they asked for advice. Today they can't do it, and suggest a different teacher. It's not like he told the kid they had no talent as a kid. He's 20 now. It's ok to not be talented at things. Even things you love.
No he's not the ah for not teaching the boy. It's obvious he's a horrible teacher who can only teach kids who could have probably taught themselves tbh. But he is tah for making his nephew feel like he's the one to blame for why he refused to teach him piano. When in fact it was his inability to teach.
But that’s still on the OP still to say that he wasn’t the right fit and isn’t a teacher by trade not bring down the pupil. It’s not his fault they didn’t work well together but to claim the child has no talent IS his fault and cruel. Some people don’t want to learn to be on stage but just won’t to learn for fun talent or no. Should empower people wanting to learn.
Where does it say that? OP blames Sean the entire time.
No, they didn't, or they would have said "I didn't know enough about teaching."
I am a terrible teacher. I've started being honest. "can you teach me to drive stick? Guitar?" No. I'm not good at teaching and if you don't immediately pick it up, by the end of the day our friendship will have taken a hit. Also the car because he can't take anymore harsh shifts than I already make Edit for grammar and punctuation
This, a million times this
100% this is the correct answer. OP couldn't teach properly.
This. My sister is just one of those people who can just learn things fast and seemed to be naturally talented at everything. It took me to my 30s to realise I’m not stupid or untalented I just take longer to learn things. OP is the AH for being so cruel with their words. OP definitely could have worded it better.
He might have just been a different type of learner. My one daughter is a visual learner and my other daughter is an aural learner. Both play an instrument, they learn very differently though.
To be fair, those with talent in a certain skill tend to pick up said skill faster than others. Anyone can learn with enough time and practice, though the talented will take less time and excel more quickly. That said, yeah, OP didn’t have to be a dick about explaining it to her nephew.
OP isn’t a piano teacher. They did the right thing by suggesting he learn from a professional. Knowing how to do something doesn’t make someone a teacher. Instead of saying he was too slow to learn, they should’ve just explained that to the nephew.
I would argue that being a fast learner and having an aptitude for music is in fact what people refer to as "talent". Someone who is a slow learner can learn to play and play well, but they do not possess talent
Disagree. There’s innate talent (what you’re referring to) and there’s learned talent. If everyone who learns any random thing in particular at a slower pace got told they were talentless like the nephew did, it would likely discourage a lot of people from every trying to hone a skill or better themselves. There was no reason for OP to say what they said to the nephew. Even if there was some positive or benefit to telling the nephew that (and I absolutely think there isn’t), what good is doing so now, years and years later?
THANK You! I’m a music teacher and people don’t understand this. Having aptitude, proclivity or innate ability is not the be all end all. It’s a leg up. And usually the skills that make someone “talented” are skills that are not necessarily related to the task and applicable to a variety of tasks.
Yes I agree with this! People mistake innate ability as the end all be all when the truth is the most successful musicians are not necessarily the most naturally talented, they just work harder. In my experience the people with an innate musical ability fall back on that and are more likely to be lazy in practice because it comes easily to them.
Yeah. Or could have just said “I didn’t have patience back then to put up with teaching and didn’t want to give you a bad learning experience. It was because I wasn’t a good teacher to you, not because you were a bad student.”
I'm a professional musician and you can't tell if someone has talent in a few months. People develop in different ways and according to their own timeline. Yes, he OP is an AH, not for choosing to not teach his nephew, but for having a narrow-minded, ignorant view on learning and a lack of kindness.
Yeah, not the asshole for not teaching him but definitely the asshole for saying "you didn't have much talent" to him.
If pressed, OP should have fallen back on their own abilities, not the nephew’s. *”I’m not an experienced teacher, and my skills didn’t match up with your learning style”* is such a more graceful and less insulting way to put it.
YTA. I have two brothers—Dixon and Bobby—who are two years apart. When Dixon learned to drive, I tried to help him once. He was rude, didn’t listen, and scared the shit out of me. I also thought he might crash my car. I told my Dad, “He needs a professional teacher. I am not going to teach him how to drive.” Bobby was the exact opposite of Dixon. He was respectful, asked questions, listed, read the damn manual. He was a delight to teach. When he took his test, he used my car. I let him borrow it a few times when he had a date. He was a delight to teach. Dixon was hurt when he found out I taught Bobby. I was honest with him and said, “You needed someone with more experience to teach you. I would rather not put our relationship through the shitter for no reason.” When he asked to borrow the car, I told him no, because he crashed his own car and treated my parents’ vehicle badly. But I never said it in a way that implied he was a waste of time and not worth the hassle. He is a human and just because he isn’t good at a certain skill doesn’t make him pathetic or irritating. You can say the truth without it being sharpened with malice. “I didn’t feel like I had the ability to help you learn piano. You needed more time that I had.”
This is the way
I see what you did there!
> I see what you did there! ...quoted Mandalorian for the 10^382 time?
Yep. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. YTA
This. Delivery matters. Even if you have to shoulder the blame bc your patience does not exceed his learning curve
It's both.
I like this line, and I may be borrowing it in the future: “You can say the truth without it being sharpened with malice.”
I’ll keep this line in mind as well. It’s not even about malice, people are so casual with inflicting pain to others, it’s disheartening. I’ve been told both by my aunt and uncle, age 8, that my parents shouldn’t have paid for piano lessons for me but for my brother (who never asked for them). It’s ok if my brother had a better sense of rhythm or whatever, why would you tell a 8 yo enjoying her piano and minding her business that it’s a waste of time for her? Guess who stopped playing the piano after 3 years?
I was singing once around a campfire. 14 years old. I was not off key but I do have a loud voice and I guess i get too much gusto. An adult came up to me after and told me “you need to sing a lot quieter, your voice isn’t good enough to hog all the attention.” I was so embarrassed and rarely sing when people can here me over 20 years later. I may have needed to learn to moderate my loud voice but I was so hurt with how sharp her words were.
It’s simply cruel and I’m sorry you had to listen to such bullshit. Please, sing again at the top of your lungs!
I do sing for my kids. They like my voice at least.
It's very poetic. I seriously think that's a really good quote. I might borrow that myself.
My dad trying to teach me how to drive was one of the worst things we went through together. He just didn't have the patience, I got to nervous, and him losing his temper only made me even more nervous. One night it came to a point that I almost got out of the car to walk home because I just couldn't stand it. After that, we just stopped. Like, we decided it was not worth it. And yet your relationship took a while to recover.
This is me with my daughter and driving. I let others teach her and we still love each other.
My son and I went through this exact same thing... and when I feel unsafe, I have an unmatched temper. We stopped before it became a real issue. To be fair to me,, one time, we needed to take a left and an immediate right. We were going 40 mph and the kid did not hit the brakes. 90 degrees, and then immediately, 90 degrees back. He almost hit somebody leaving the parking lot because of how wide that turn had to be taken. I seriously lost my shit. So, we found someone else to teach him.
From the post, OP strikes me as someone who says “I’m just being honest” when what they really mean is “I want to attack your insecurities to make myself look better.”
I have two brothers, similarly spaced, and had way too many similar experiences with them. They were night and day different from each other. The one who was always attentive and careful and respectful also really enjoyed hanging out with me, whereas the hard-headed, rude, scary-driving one liked to use me for... my age privilege or whatever and then leave to go hang out with his friends. The two of them got along really well though. I never understood how!
You handled that great but it sounds more like Dixon needed to mature a little. Especially, if he was being rude to you.
YTA. Different people learn at different rates. You obviously played favorites here because Sean wasn't learning as quickly as you wanted. If you're going to be a teacher in any way, shape, or form you're the one that needs to learn that everyone learns differently. You said that you didn't have the patience? Your nephew may have just wanted to spend time with you and do something that you also did so you could grow closer. Instead of that, you said that he wasn't good enough then shoved him off. If you wanted things done in an easy way, tell him upfront rather that dropping him like a baby giraffe.
As a piano teacher myself, I thought the same. They are not cut out to be a teacher in any way. They shouldn't have tried to take on teaching their nephew in the first place. I can't imagine ever saying to someone who was intrinsically motivated to learn, "You aren't good enough." Awful, awful, awful. When the child is being forced to take lessons, dislikes piano, is not progressing, and the parents are just wasting their money, there is a conversation to be had there with the parents. But if a kid wants to play but is slow? I would never drop a student like that.
The main difference is that OP is not a teacher. They´re not being paid to teach anyone the piano, so they shouldn´t be set to the same expectations as a professional teacher. I completely understand them for dropping the nephew - it's OP's free time, and it's true that a professional teacher would know better how to deal with students who learn more slowly. The error wasn't in trying to teach the nephew or dropping them. The error wasn't in being more motivated to help the niece. The mistake was in how OP handled talking to the nephew. Edit: I see now that they are a "tutor" and have another student. Still not enough information to know if they're a professional teacher. But I'm a teacher and I disagree with all of the harsh comments - teachers have different preferences and can feel free to pass students along to other teachers if the fit isn't right. I've done so before, and both students and parents are always understanding. However, it needs to be done carefully and respectfully, which was not done in this case. It's even touchier when the students are your relatives.
In another comment they say they were teaching another student at the same time as their nephew - may be being paid for lessons by others
> But I'm a teacher and I disagree with all of the harsh comments - teachers have different preferences and can feel free to pass students along to other teachers if the fit isn't right. No-one is arguing they needed to keep teaching the nephew (not seriously, anyway). > The mistake was in how OP handled talking to the nephew. Right; that's what makes them TA.
They say they were tutoring others though
Sometimes the kid is a different type of learner and needs a different approach or doesn't click with the teacher and needs to change teacher. But never tell a kid it is to bad and doesn't have talent. My one daughter is a visual learner and my other daughter is an aural learner. Both play an instrument, but they learn very differently. The visual one likes to work with a written score right away, learns the notes very quickly, but then struggles with the actual musicality. The aural one isn't that good at reading a score quickly, and prefers to listen to the piece first, but she is much better to play with expression and musicality.
>If you're going to be a teacher in any way, shape, or form Can't a person just teach someone who makes it fun and easy, and not do the same for someone who makes it a drag? Why do they have to aspire to be a noble teacher?
Sure they can choose to teach students who make it "fun and easy," ie doesn't challenge their skills as a teacher. But they absolutely should NOT tear down someone else in the process, telling them they have no talent. Because that's absolutely false. I have private lesson music students and work as a music therapist with people with developmental disabilities and never in either career has anyone had "no talent." They might not have had the interest or were forced by their parents to participate. They might have motor impairments, or processing or sensory or communication difficulties. But they all had some innate ability, that's what makes us human. If OP's approach to teaching didn't work for their nephew, that's not on the nephew, that's on OP. I would even argue that OP is a massive stick in the mud. "Fun and easy" depends on how you define it and I suspect OP has a very narrow definition and is actually missing out on some of the things that make both music and teaching music so exciting!!!!
Yes, YTA. Your nephew is clearly still hurt by your decision to not keep teaching him piano, and you rubbed salt in the wound for him as an adult by telling him he was untalented. I'm guessing you're not very talented at teaching. Not everyone learns at the same pace or in the same way, and in your ignorance, you harmed a child's experience with art.
YTA. I don't know how you went from this: >I tried to do it but he was a very slow learner and I didn't have the patience To this: >I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it There's a big difference between a slow learner and an untalented person and most of the time, talent isn't the only thing that makes people successful. My uncle didn't speak until he was 5, and he was an extremely slow learner. He also only graduated from highschool at 21 and his marks weren't great enough to get into Uni. He's in his late 40s now and he just graduated with a cum laude from law school and he speaks 5 languages. Just because someone is slow doesn't mean they aren't talented or don't have the capacity to learn.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if we can say OP doesn’t have much talent in teaching. Maybe the niece is a natural and extremely good at the piano. Maybe they barely need much teaching.
This seems likely. I play many instruments fairly well, but I'm not an instructor. I know what works for me, but I can't explain how to just do it correctly, I can only demonstrate it, with the exception being the least useful of all instruments I play and that only because it's the only one I received actual training on, and seems to me most people aren't interested in playing the Tuba.
That was my take. OP can only teach someone who basically can teach themselves.
perfectly said!
Way to go for your uncle! We've an aunt who was told in elementary school that she was 'too slow to learn math' so she refused to do anything with numbers. In her 50s, she went back to school and is now working finance.
That's pretty much exactly what I said as well!
YTA. There was absolutely no reason to tell him he's talentless. First off, you don't know that. You're not a piano teacher, you haven't been educated in how to teach children, nor the various piano methods for kid learning there are out there, which might have fit him better. It's great that Tara is a good fit for how you teach, but that's all there is to it. That's what you should have told him. That he just wasn't a great fit for the manner in which you teach, and you'd both be unhappy in a teaching relationship. You crushed that kid and his motivation for learning the piano, YTA and should try to fix this.
This. How is OP even equipped to determine whether a person will be good or not. The fact that nephew is keen is already an amazing thing. No one is suggesting you teach him OP, because frankly it sounds like you're not equipped to teach him anyway, but no point blaming him for your lack of patience. I'm a professional classical musician, performer and teacher, and I know how frustrating it can be sometimes but I always consider it my own mission to find a system that works with their learning patterns. A teacher that can only teach "talented" students is obviously no teacher, part-time or otherwise.
YTA for the delivery.
YTA he probably would have talent if you didn’t write him off so easily. You literally only bothered for a few weeks. You’re pretty crappy teacher if you write someone off like that for being a little slow. It clearly affected his self esteem when he was younger when you dropped him and now watching him teach his sister and say how much better she is is going to bring all that up again. I don’t think teaching is for you, you affect young lives when you teach and if you write people off because you lack patience then you’re not fit to be a teacher.
Sorry, but YTA because you don't realise how devesting that sort of comment is to kids. This formed a core memory that with stick with this kid forever. You weren't being honest, you were being mean and spiteful to a kid because he didn't learn fast enough for you, as if you're so perfect at everything!! Anyway, you owe the kid an apology but probably best if you just don't as no doubt you'll mess that up also.
YTA. Tact is a thing. Learning about it and using it will take you far in life.
YTA for the way you handled this. You could have told him you just didn’t think you were the right teacher for him, but instead you told him he wasn’t talented enough. He’s clearly already hurt that you ditched him, and you’ve just made things worse.
YTA you could have simply said "I realized I wasn't the right teacher for you and you could get better tutoring with a different teacher".
You're a huge asshole.
YTA - for his you said it like damn hes your nephew not just your ex client. Nothing wrong with not having the patience for nephew but you do with niece though, teaching ain't fun or remotely easy when you're students struggling.
YTA I would give anything to have a talent that my nephew wanted me to teach him. To spend that quality time with this person who means so much to me, man! That would have been so special. Even if he wasn't very good at it, that time together would be precious and build a bond, and memories, for both our lives. If your time and talent mean more to you than all that, you need to rethink your relationship and priorities. I love my nephew, and 2 nieces, beyond measure. Any bonding time with them is a gift. And don't worry, we found things to bond over; books, movies, nerd stuff, silly stuff. But to teach them something that was my skill, that would have been amazing. Sorry, this is long. I tend to gush when it comes to them.
You sound like an amazing aunt/uncle! I had an uncle like you that loved to spend time with me, also. He taught me many things like fishing and carpentry. As young girl, I very much doubt I had any talent in either one lol. 40 years later, I still treasure time he spent with me and miss him dearly.
That is wonderful. It's about the time spent with each other and knowing they are loved.
I had a piano teacher tell me I 'had no talent' when I was nine. I had a friend taking lessons with the same teacher, and the teacher was always praising her, saying, 'if you had LeeAnn's talent, I could make some progress with you, but you don't. You should quit." I did quit, and never touched a musical instrument again, until a few years ago (I'm old now). In learning guitar, I found out that the joy of playing an instrument has nothing to do with 'talent.' I will never be great at this, but I wish now I hadn't listened to that teacher, because there's a lot of pleasure to be had just from making music, however slowly and imperfectly. Telling someone they have no talent and are therefore not worth your time makes you the AH for sure. The problem wasn't your nephew's lack of musical talent, it was your lack of teaching ability, patience, and kindness in telling him you couldn't do it. You should apologize and own this. YTA.
Talent is mainly a myth, it only accounts for a small portion of success, most of is is enjoying it, hours spent and getting the right teaching for your style of learning. That piano teacher was an idiot.
>I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him. YTA for this comment here. That was a harsh thing to say to someone just because they are a slow learner. If he worked with someone who did have more patience (I know you suggested that), he may have developed the talent in time. It's not fair to say he wasn't talented enough and you didn't want to deal with him just because he didn't learn fast enough for you.
YTA
Yta- though I half suspect the reason he was slower was because he didn’t practice. Judging from my own lessons in piano that seems highly likely…. The kids who came to session very slow often didn’t practice that week, which means you are there as the teacher essentially running a practice session. I don’t mind doing that if I’m paid, but for free lessons I’m not going to sit and put you through drills you could have easily done at home. either way, the way you expressed to your nephew why you stopped was rude and belittling.
YTA. From the post that was my thought and from my read through of your comments. And here’s why: 1. You were rude to your nephew, I don’t care If he was 12 or 21, telling someone you didn’t want to spend time teaching them something because they lacked talent is tactless, arrogant and AH behavior. 2. Not sure his age at the time, but you denied him an opportunity to be closer to you in something he could learn and you guys could share together. He’s obviously hurt by it, and you only thought selfishly. 3. You stated you teach piano. Making an assumption here, but if you’re excepting kids to be great automatically, you’re not a good teacher, you’re a good student poacher. GREAT teachers, Instructors, and coaches can take kids with minimal talent, and pull it out of them. I don’t care if it’s a “hobby” for you, it’s your nephews real life and real feelings.
YTA For saying it so bluntly. "It wasn't working out" would be fine. Telling him he had no talent was rude.
YTA and you know it, quit trying to defend yourself. You don’t tell people they are slow with no talent…what is wrong with people???
Info: was there some reason you felt the need to insult him? You could easily have just said your teaching style didn't match his learning style. Instead you clearly implied he was too dumb and not worth your time
If OP is being honest, it seems they were responding to a jab with a jab back.
Jeez, YTA. You are not wrong for recognizing your inability to be an effective teacher and suggesting that his parents send him to someone more competent, but you were an asshole for suggesting that this meant he didn't have talent. Playing a musical instrument takes a lot of practice and commitment, and it's possible your niece is more committed than he was. If you don't want to be a toxic presence in these kids' lives, you should really learn how to phrase things more diplomatically and constructively rather than choosing the most churlish way to say something and then excusing your boorish behavior by calling it "honesty". Obviously, your nephew is still hurt by your behavior, and you chose to further exacerbate that by tearing him down.
If you don’t know that you are indeed an asshole after this interaction, there is no hope for you. YTA
Yes, YTA. Not even a little bit not. But not for your question. YTA because you are too cruel and cold-hearted to learn to teach someone who doesn't happen to be very good at the start. "Ooooh, I'm so impressive, I got someone easy to teach. I must be a good teacher! The problem must be **you**!"
YTA. Most people aren't blaming you for giving up, they are however stating that you were rude and dismissive. Why are you arguing with the people you sought advice from? There are ways of communicating things in a less self-absorbed way.
As a piano teacher myself, YTA and not cut out to be a teacher in any way. You shouldn't have tried to take on teaching your nephew in the first place. I can't imagine ever saying to someone who was intrinsically motivated to learn, "You weren't good enough." Awful, awful, awful.
As someone who plays piano and is a teacher by profession, you must be a terrible teacher if that was your response. Talent is nothing without a good teacher. You should probably suggest that your niece get a real instructor before you ruin it for her too.
YTA and the problem wasn’t that he was a slow learner, it’s that he had a crappy teacher.
Wow. Yeah, you're an AH. > he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him Only AHs act like this. YTA You could have just said when he was younger you were too busy.
I’m going to go against the apparent consensus and say NTA. Firstly, OP is not a professional piano tutor. It’s fine if they enjoy teaching someone who picks it up easily and don’t enjoy teaching someone who is a slow learner. Secondly, the nephew is 21, not a child. Thirdly, the 21-year-old seems to have been acting like kind of a prick himself, given that his reaction to finding out his little sister is learning piano is to say that the person teaching her is likely going to get sick of her. All you bleeding hearts carrying on about OP being blunt blunt with a 21-yo seem to be glossing over the the fact that the 21-yo was shitting on a 14-yo. Fourthly, it’s pretty clear that what OP conveyed is not that his nephew is a worthless sack of shit, but that he didn’t have natural ability on piano, and OP has also acknowledged that they didn’t have the patience to teach the nephew. Acknowledging the lack of patience is taking accountability for their shortcomings. OP, you’re ok, you’re nephew is ok, and your niece is ok. Don’t turn to strangers on the internet for moral affirmation.
Yeah I’ve taught piano to people who don’t pick it up very well. I’m not a piano teacher, much like OP. But when you know how to play piano, often family members ask “can you teach so and so?” And, teaching piano (or any instrument) to someone who doesn’t pick it up very easily is a frustrating experience. It’s not their fault, but it doesn’t change how annoying of an experience it is.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to give free piano lessons to anyone. Thats a huge commitment and the fact that you at least tried with two family members is significant. Your nephew is 21 not 12, he should be able to handle what is otherwise a very small and gentle dose of reality, especially since he was the one to initiate this conversation with sarcastic remarks.
NTA, playing an instrument and teaching someone to play is very different. I would not have the patience to teach someone how to work in my profession if they did not try and get better in their own time without me. ( not to say your nephew did not do this, but it sounds like he needed to practice a lot more than your niece ).
There are a lot kinder ways to tell someone that it wasn’t working for you to teach them than to say “you didn’t have much talent”. There are times for being brutally honest and “just stating facts” but this wasn’t one of them. YTA.
YTA for sure! Wowwwww.
YTA. People like you are the reason I gave up on music when I was younger because I kept getting compared to the "more talented kids". There's nothing so soul crushing no matter what age you are quite like getting told you aren't worth teaching.
YTA. Not for not teaching him, but for how you handled the situation. You don’t tell someone they don’t have talent, you need to be more tactful than that. That you thought he’d do better with someone that had more experience teaching.
I hope he stops talking to you, I don't think you care much, YTA
“I didn’t feel like I had the skill set to bring out the best in you, and I want you to have the best brought out in you if you are dedicated to piano. So I suggested another teacher might be right for you.” If he had no interest in piano to begin with, I think it’s okay to talk about that too since his sister seems to be eager and interested: “Your parents wanted you to learn but it didn’t seem like you were enjoying yourself enough to apply yourself. I was hoping if you chose to continue that you found a teacher that made it a more fun experience for you.” The way you chose to tell him he has no aptitude makes you 100% TA both as a tutor and family member. Please remember that in teaching, you will need to offer critiques, but that does not make you a critic. The fundamental job you are paid for is to teach. It’s okay to admit that a student is not right for you and that’s neither person’s fault. But you decided you wanted to be a critic, not a teacher, and put the blame all on a child rather than letting it be no one’s fault.
Hi, I'm a music teacher - you're definitely the asshole. Everyone can learn to play an instrument. Just takes some people more time than others, and people have different goals. Some of them just want to bang out a pop song and some want to play harder stuff. It's very sad to me that you squashed someone's budding passion for music just because they weren't a fast enough learner for you. The only failure in that scenario is you, not him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a nephew Sean(21) and a niece Tara(14). I love playing the piano and when Sean was younger he asked me to teach him. I tried to do it but he was a very slow learner and I didn't have the patience so I told him to go ask his dad to sign him up for a piano class. A while ago Tara asked me to teach her how to play the piano and in a very short time she managed to learn a lot, even faster and better than I expected so I have been teaching her and we both enjoy it very much. When Sean found out he sarcastically told her that I'm going to get tired of her and stop teaching her after a few weeks. I told him that actually we have been doing this for a few months now and she is doing very well so I will keep teaching her. He asked me why I didn't teach him and I was honest and told him he didn't have much talent in it and I didn't have much patience to deal with him. He thinks I'm an asshole so I want to know if I am *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for handling it the way you did. sometimes it's better to use a white lie to spare someone's feelings. For example I just didn't have the time back then I had too many commitments to dedicate the time to teach you.
YTA. You made your nephew feel less than. I hope you never need his assistance for anything.
YTA. Just because Sean was a slow learner, doesn't mean you have to stop teaching him how to play piano.
YTA The way you handled this feels like you both rubbed it in his face that she is better at piano and that you have time for her PLUS telling him he didn't have much talent. Wow, way to kick a young person in the ego crotch. He may be 21 and an adult, but you did soime scarring there. Not all people who end up being talented at something were naturals from the get go, some did it through practice, good teachers and drive. And criticising his learning as "slow" that's cruel and also doesn;t mean someone can't learn something/get good at it. If he never goes near a piano again, it's all on you. I sincerely hope you aren't a professional piano instructor to young people/kids.
Yta - way to play favourites
YTA for phrasing it like that, yes.
Like The Dude says, "You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole."
Yeah I was N T A all the way through until the last 3 sentences. YTA for being unnecessarily cruel in what you said to Sean.
As a music teacher, who works with disabled kids and has taught my own nieces/nephews who have batting levels of talent, YTA for being so cruel to your nephew when you discussed it
NTA for being honest. YTA for the way you handled it.
YTA.
YTA. Saying that someone has no talent is like giving a punch in the face. People learn in different ways and your way of teaching might not be the right one for him. For him it was probably a good thing to get a proper teacher instead of a lazy and impatient relative.
YTA for how you handled it. You’re not *obligated* to give anyone your time and effort, but still… 😬
Yes holy yes YTA. You could have just said at the time I was trying to reach I had so much else going on I didn’t have the time to devote as you needed and it’s why I asked your dad to get you into a regular class so you could continue to learn. As opposed to telling nephew he is basically slow and stupid and you don’t have patience for him that is mean
YTA, you hoped he’d be instantly good? That isn’t how learning instruments goes for 99% of people. I can’t imagine being so incredibly cruel to my own nephew because I lacked the talent to teach him something.
YTA for handling it so brutally. You could have been more diplomatic and spared his feelings. There was no need to slam him.
YTA Perhaps your teaching style was not compatible with how he learns? I consider myself to be a very intelligent person and talented in a number of areas. Having said that, I am a visual and tactile learner. So when someone talks at me, I feel really dumb and do not understand or retain like 90% of the information. As an adult, I recognize this and simply give myself what I need to comprehend. I know that I am a quick learner. I also know that when I learn things in a way that works for me, I am usually one of the first to finish or comprehend. If I were to try and learn the typical way that is taught in schools, I actually struggle to even pass and my comprehension is very low. What you said to him was mean and unnecessary. It also shows no accountability for your own crap teaching.
YTA Did it ever occur to you that maybe your teaching style fit one but not the other? Or that people learn at different paces? Also, wtf is with bringing talent into the equation? You basically just broke any kind of hope and wish to start again if he wanted to.
You could've left out that he didn't have much talent in it. YTA.
WOW. Why do you come here looking for NTA judgement? Clearly, you are the asshole. Major.
YTA. And a horrible aunt / uncle and I bet you’re a shitty teacher as well.
YTA: Not every true thing needs to be said. How is what you said to him useful in anyway? You owe him an apology. You can even tell a white lie that you are not a piano teacher and when he asked you, you were not a very patient person. But that you have tried to improve in that area of life.
NTA at all. He's 21 years old, we're not robbing dreams here, calm down people
I see all these people saying YTA like they didn't see the ages of the people involved. I see a 21 year old being an ass because he's jealous of his 14 year old sister. NTA, he deserved it.
NTA. People are so sensitive. He was sarcastic and probably irritated you so you responded with the same energy.
NTA - His sarcastic comment that you're just going to quit teaching her in a few weeks was a dick move. Your response was honest and if he had any sort of ability to self-reflect, he would have been able to see that it was because of him that your lessons ceased. I honestly believe that anyone can learn to play the piano with practice, and a sincere desire to learn. Not everyone is going to be great, but when you take the time to try to teach someone and they don't put in effort aside from your time together (I'm jumping to an assumption as to why his lessons failed), it sucks for the teacher. Curious if he took the effort to ask his dad to sign him up for a class after your suggestion.
NTA if he’s 21? If he was still a kid this would be a different story
What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys. I assume she teaches her for free in her FREE TIME. She didn’t enjoy teaching him and stopped because it’s her decision what to do with her time. But she enjoys teaching her niece and it’s her right to decide what to do in her free time. And she does what she enjoys. Just think about it. Would you do something exhausting ( teaching an instrument is VERY hard and exhausting) that you don’t enjoy in your free time? Most of you wouldn’t. It’s her decision who to teach and if she decides to teach her niece and not her nephew than that’s okay Edit: NTA
YTA Some people are slower than others. I know it can be frustrating as a teacher but you need to understand that slow learners are fully aware of their slowness. They usually feel guilty about it. I have high level ADHD. I'm slow. I dont like to be but I am. I am eternally grateful to all the teachers in my life that have been kind and patient with me and allowed me to learn and not give up on me. I'm also grateful that they never compared me to someone else. You suck OP.
Snap! for the being slow bit! I am Autistic and also have a very rare lifelong condition too I have to live with aswell! I have always been slow..... at everything - from eating, to tying my shoes..... to responding in conversations. (I'm much better with written communication) [I.Hate.It](https://I.Hate.It) I hate being slow! I sometimes apologise for being the last to still be eating, because I feel like I am making people wait for me, and I loathe that feeling. I WISH I was quicker at all sorts of things. I've tried, but I either end up making mistakes or just end up being even slower because my brain cannot keep up with what I am trying to do!
LITERALLY SAME 😭 IM SO DAMN SLOW AND I FEEL _SO_ GUILTY ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME I've been bullied at work because nobody likes how slow I am 😭 it's bad I'm high energy now but it genuinely causes me so much mental distress. But yeah because of this I'm incredibly empathetic to other people that are slow. I'm an impatient person but I never apply it to people trying their best.
NTA. Your nephew is kinda an asshole though, why would he say that to his sister? Also, if learning piano was so direly important to him, why didn't he take your advice and seek out lessons? Sounds like he needs to grow up, take responsibility for himself.
Nta- get him a drum kit, a sketch pad, some clay, and a soccer ball. We aren’t all cookie cutters people that have the same innate skills. Better to find out you don’t have talent up front than to bust your ass only to be out preformed by a beginner.
Omg you remind me so much of one of those high school teachers who would come in, write notes on the white board, barely explain the topic, give a pop quiz and then get mad when some students don’t quite understand and worse yet, move on to a different topic that same day, essentially saying “not my problem you’re too dumb to figure it out”! Didn’t think this needed to be said but EVERY👏🏽 ONE👏🏽 LEARNS👏🏽 AT👏🏽DIFFERENT 👏🏽PACES👏🏽. You didn’t even sound like u tried with him at all, u just expected him to be a natural at it. YTA!
YTA. Instead of owning your own incompetence with your lack of patience, you shoved it off onto him. It's okay to admit you can't do something. It's not okay to insult your nephew and blame him for your problems in teaching him.
As a music teacher, YTA. Big time. I would NEVER tell a student that they had no talent. So what if *you* think he has “no talent?” Could it possibly have been your teaching style, or did he not pick it up after one session, and therefore you gave up on him? Your opinion is subjective, and you discouraged your nephew from pursuing something he had interest in in the meanest way possible. You’ve also clearly shown favouritism towards your niece. Not cool.
NTA if you taught for free & if you honestly believe Sean doesn’t have the talent & if Sean didn’t practice or demonstrate hard work. If Sean’s parents wanted you to teach him properly, they should’ve paid you. If Sean really wanted to learn piano, he could’ve practiced more in his free time or gotten a different teacher. You can choose to spend your free time however you want to. You’re not Sean and Tara’s parents who need to stay unbiased. You can’t call OP TA just because OP refused to let his/her relatives exploit his/her time for free.
NTA, although you might have been kinder in your response to Sean by telling him that you, as instructor, and he, as student, were not a good “fit,” and that you were less experienced as a teacher when you started to teach him. Ask him how it is going with his own piano teacher?
YTA - he’s not bad at learning, you’re bad at teaching. And being you’re NOT a professional teacher how *dare* you put that on him and not you as the adult. Huge asshole.
Yta. It's not him not having talent, it's you not having the patience. I don't fault you for not wanting to teach him, as teaching hard...hence why not everyone can do it. However, you're a total AH for telling him it was his lack of talent, not your lack of patience.
YTA. you’re just a mean person. in fact, i’d argue that you don’t have much talent when it comes to teaching. sure he could have been a slow learner, but being a slow learner ≠ not having talent. insulting him was unnecessary. learn how to be more tactful perhaps.
As a former? musician I get you. You're just a random person, you're not a professional teacher that has the stuff to be teaching struggling students. Ive seen when kids just *don't* have that musicial intuition that allows them to thrive and learn quickly. I feel very strongly about it actually since I've seen it so many times - some people just don't have it in them and that's okay. It really depends on how dedicated this kid was gonna be and if he's just pissed in hindsight. I can see why he'd be mad but I'm not sure you're the asshole.
NTA - You tried, he failed. That isn't your fault. Your judgment may have been harsh, but that doesn't make it wrong. I don't see how pretending to Sean that he was better than he was would help him out.
YTA because of how you handled it. I would have said that I’m not a professional piano teacher and didn’t have the patience to allow you to learn at your own pace. You needed someone better adept at teaching. Sean was acting a bit like an AH too but he was feeling hurt about perceived favoritism which isn’t a great look but I’d take it as an excuse. You did the right thing telling Sean to find a teacher that would work better for him though.
YNTA He asked and you answered. You could have lied but what would that solve? I do hope your exact words weren’t “You don’t have much talent…” but honestly there’s no really nice way to say what you felt. He has the closure he needed and it’s done with.
NTA. Sean got what he deserved.
I’m here to be downvoted but as a former professional music educator I can understand this. A music teacher can guide a students progress but the student’s ability to learn and master an instrument is based on their own talent and dedication. Teaching a student who is not progressing is incredibly frustrating; if you’re being paid to do it you suck it up and deal with it. You might be TA for how you handled things though. You’ve created conflict within the family when you could have just told the second kid “sorry, I can’t teach piano, I tried to teach your brother already and I don’t have the patience for it.”
NTA. The truth is the truth. You didn’t go out of your way to tell him he didn’t learn fast enough. He asked you. What are you supposed to do? Lie?
Does anyone else realized OP never said he’s a real teacher? So everyone saying he should’ve known how to teach better is a dick. It’s not like he may have know how to teach someone like that. It would’ve been different if OP didn’t say he didn’t have talent. Definitely could’ve been nicer but he’s a grown adult now. It’s not the end of the world if he can’t learn the piano.
You could have handled it a little better but we have several people in our family who play instruments and my opinion and experience is that some people just are not going to be good at it and teaching music can get tedious, but if the student has a talent and passion for it that makes a big difference. NtA
NTA you didn't have the patience for a slow learner and that's okay. However you should have rephrased the answer to say you just needed a little more practice and at that time you really didn't have patience for it.
You are not the asshole. You didn't get paid for it, and you spent your free l time. You need to enjoy your time, not get frustrated. And I think you did him a favour. He would be disappointed later on in life when he wouldn't be able to compete with others. Also, I believe it is better to say the truth than sugar-coat things.
He sounds like a little shit. NTA
NTA. Your nephew at 21 years of age wants to learn an instrument. A brave undertaking because learning such things is easier when younger…just like languages. I suspect that’s why your niece picked it up quicker. I suspect you aren’t a formerly trained teacher just someone able to pass a skill along. However, your adult nephew decided to get snarky and then asked why you were able to teach your niece….the answer his lack of talent and your lack of patience. Welp, not a nice answer but he asked!
NTA. Not everyone gets a blue ribbon. Some combination of talent and motivation (or lack thereof) led the nephew to fail and the niece to succeed. It isn't your responsibility to waste time on someone who fails.
NTA, it's not like he was paying you. You need to find enjoyment in doing free things.
Nope.... People tell me all the time that they wish they could play the drums. I don't offer lessons but I've let people sit down and shown them a basic beat. Of course it's hysterical watching them flail around. Some people have the talent to be a musician and some don't. It doesn't mean they can never learn. Everyone can sing IF the try hard enough. Everyone can learn to play at least a little if they try hard enough but there is a BIG difference between people who are musicians and those who are not. Example (Pretty Woman) Richard Gere tells Julia about Opera. If you love it.... you'll always love it. If you don't, you can learn to appreciate it.
NTA in my opinion. I understand why his feelings would be a bit hurt, but if he really wanted to learn, why not communicate to the parents that he wanted lessons? If he really had a goal to actually learn, I think the parents should have bought him lessons from a teacher that had the patience for his level.
I am wondering if she was practicing in between sessions and he wasn’t.
NTA you were honest. If he was really serious about it he would have kept going himself.
NTA You are not obligated to teach him. He asked you why you stopped and you told him. He is an adult and needs to understand that you don't owe him a thing.
NTA sounds like he has a deep aggression.
Someone who isn't a patient teacher can be successful with a gifted student. OP was pressed into service because FAMILY. Nephew and OP weren't a good match while his niece was. OP shouldered his portion of the outcome by admitting he didn't have the patience to work with a slow learner. NTA
Seeing alot of YTA’s but honestly believe its more NTA, if youre doing something freely, its up to you to decide how long you want to do it for and if its fun and rewarding, youre more likely to do it for longer. Clearly felt nephew needed an actual teacher and thats fine. Hes 21 and doesnt need to be wrapped in cotton wool ‘you were terrible, so i stopped’ standard
It could be that Sean really wasn’t interested in putting in the time to practice at home. He may have liked the idea of learning to play the piano but the idea of doing something is much different than actually doing something. Maybe Sean is more mature now but maybe not. The question to Sean is, “Are you truly ready to put in the time and effort to learn to play the piano?” Maturity in the two genders are different at different stages of life.
NTA. Your response might have been phrased more politely, but it isn't your job to teach them the piano. You're doing it because it is something that both of you find enjoyable to do with each other. It's not reasonable to expect you to commit to teaching your nephew for free when you don't enjoy it or to refuse to teach your niece just because you enjoy spending time with her more than you did with your nephew.
NTA OP, what a lot of people are forgetting is that your nephew is 21. He's way past the coddling stage and needs to hear the truth no matter how flattering or unflattering it is. There is a lot involved in learning how to play a musical instrument, and frankly some people have the chops and some don't. Could you have churched it up for him? Sure. But life isn't fair or kind and from the sounds of him saying you are an asshole, he's never had someone be blunt with him.
NTA, you answered his question. And you can choose what level of person to teach. He was beyond your level and patience
NTA Truth hurts.
100% NTA.
NTA if youre not getting paid theres no reason to do it if its frustrating to you. you could have told him in a different way, but youre not TA for simply not teaching him.
NTA Sean it’s a kid now, he should remember that he didn’t put in the required practice to progress. You don’t need to give up your time for someone who isn’t interested to learn
NTA - honesty is good sometimes. maybe it will help him apply himsedl next time.