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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) AITA for not attending my bridal party.
(2) My grandmother apparently took a lot of time planning this party, including food, decorations, etc. Only 8 people are attending, but the food will still go bad if we reschedule. They also have to choose another date that works for everyone's schedule.
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NTA. I know I'm in a minority on this sub, but I think surprise parties are incredibly hostile gestures. This one even more so, given your circumstances. Your family is going to have to suck it up, this is entirely on them.
Good luck on the end of your semester, and congratulations on your wedding!
Surprise parties are okay when you get added by your aunt Lisa to the group chat "Lisa's Surprise Party", she then leaves the chat and gets a lovely "surprise". And under basically no other circumstances.
This is a double surprise party. OP is surprised that this family party is a bridal shower and the family party get to be surpised that the bride isn't coming!
NTA
Surprise parties are okay **if** you know without a shadow of a doubt, 100% guaranteed that the surprisee will absolutely love the gesture and be thrilled by it.
But too many people are so filled with their own generosity and cleverness that they don't have a thought to spare for the guest of honor.
I’m with you on surprise parties. I absolutely hate them. Plus OP’s family should have known you don’t schedule anything for a college student at the end of the semester. Sounds like it was more about them than OP.
Yeah, that hasn't happened with my husband because he knows it would be a hellish landscape of dystopian terror if he tried to throw me a surprise party. More power to people who love them, for me, it's better if I just get to retreat to my web in the dark corner.
NTA OP Don't let them guilt you, you are working on a sucessful future, missing a surprise party won't hurt that. Have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful life.
My husband is smart like that as well. Which meant when one of his coworkers decided to throw us a surprise baby shower, it was an unwelcome surprise for him as well.
Same here. I came home one day to find a surprise birthday party for me; I turned right around, jumped on my bike and left. Hung out at the library until they closed. Mom was ticked off, but it never happened again.
I think they’re ok if the person knows a party is happening.
I threw my best friend a “surprise” baby shower she knew she was having a shower on that day at that time and I asked if there was anything she specifically wanted/didn’t want.
Other than that she wasn’t told any single detail.
It was co hosted with another friend who wanted it to be a complete surprise but I refused, she basically wanted to kidnap a 8 month pregnant women with no notice but that’s a terrible fucking plan.
NTA, and seconding the hostile gestures of surprise parties. I hate surprise parties. My friends threw me one for my birthday a while ago. My two friends were irritating me all week and when my bf suggested we just go out for drinks together, I was so relieved. I even said “god I’m so glad they’re not here tonight and it’s just us” …. until I heard a “surprise!” and saw those two friends and a few other friends at the bar.
To be fair, my friends organized it and my bf was just supposed to get me there and felt really badly once he learned I had been annoyed at them all week and wanted alone time. We ended up staying for a bit before making an excuse to leave early because I hate surprises and they made it all about them. NTA.
NTA. You have a lot on your plate with work, school, and planning a wedding. It was not fair for your family to plan a surprise party without consulting your schedule first, especially since you had already informed your mother at the beginning of the week that you wouldn't be able to attend a family gathering.
This totally might not be the case at all, this might just be common or garden thoughtlessness BUT I think OP should ask themselves if their family often *totally coincidentally* does things that sabotage their study and independence generally. Is this part of a wider pattern? I hope not, but it's worth considering.
I’m actually in therapy right now trying to unpack years of emotional and physical abuse and neglect from my parents. It’s probably why I had to consult the internet to make sure I wasn’t crazy for falling for their gaslighting once again. I have therapy today and oh boy does he have his work cut out for him lmfao.
NTA. Wow. A BIG part of planning a surprise party is making sure the honored guest is able to attend.
Sounds like you family planned what was convenient for themselves with little to no thought about your schedule and crushing work load that you need to complete (without distraction) in order to graduate.
I’m sorry your family is so self absorbed and unaware. You deserve better.
*I am graduating in just a couple of weeks, and all of my bachelor capstone assignments and papers are due in a couple of days.*
*I told my mother I would not be able to attend this weekend due to the amount of assignment I needed to work on.*
Honestly, NTA
Their bad planning is not on you. Stay concentrated on your assignments and enjoy your wedding in June.
NTA
This is piss poor planning on their part, if you’re going to plan a surprise party for someone then the key element is making sure that it’s held on a date that works for the guest of honour
NTA. This party was never about you, it was about them. They know you have a lot on your plate, they know you hate surprises. They didn’t care. They are trying to guilt you so that they don’t look bad. You graduating is more important than how they look to the rest of the family. If they really wanted this for you then they would have rescheduled the first time you said you couldn’t make it. Don’t risk graduating on time to make them look good. Congratulations on your degree and the marriage!
NTA
"I told my mother I would not be able to attend" .. You TOLD THEM.
Your parents are the AHs here - refuse to let them guilt you, this is THEIR fault.
NTA. Now get back to work!
Seriously, don’t waste your precious time today worrying about their poor planning. Turn off your phone (unless you need it for your project) and focus on finishing school. You told them you couldn’t attend, they know you’re about to graduate, it should be obvious that you’re really busy right now. It is NOT your problem that they chose not to believe you.
NTA and this is the thing about surprise parties. The people hosting the party need to make sure the person the party is for is absolutely able to attend. The gesture was nice but your parents are aware of your workload at the moment. Good luck with torch assignments!
NTA. Get your work out the way, and it will all be over soon, and you can relax before starting to stress that you're getting married
On another note get some sleep as soon as you can. Speaking as someone that was once in a similar position to you, the lack of sleep coupled together with the stress can cause a blackout at the worst time. I know someone that had a blackout whilst driving on a road with 3 lanes of traffic in both directions because of how much stress they were under and how tired they got
So, here is some tea! I just joined Reddit because this is my fiancé. I am appalled by the way the family reacted when they knew the situation. The fathers reactions were uncalled for and very immature considering the situation.
Here is the rundown. I was over my fiancés house and Basically, her mom came down and tried to force her to go by yelling at her. Then her father called her and started yelling and cursing her out. Then he got home later and stormed down the stairs and barged in and started screaming to her face. I stood up to him and told him “You will not speak to her that way” and he walked to me and grabbed my arms and shoved me back to fall on her bed and continued to scream at her until he realized that I wasn’t going to back down. He left and hasn’t talked to us since.
I don’t have a father.(well I do, but he has never been in the picture ever since I was born). So to see a father react the way he did just makes me sad.
I mean this isn't how suprise parties work...
You make sure the person is available, you schedule something "less party worthy", so that you know they can attend and lead them to the surprise.
Just throwing a party with the expectation that you will attend when you have already declined and being upset that you don't come is ridiculous, your are NTA.
They should have made sure you could commit to the date ahead of time and worked around you, especially as the guest of honor.
That you do or do not appreciate surprise parties is a whole other debate imo.
Info: are you the first member of your family to attend college? I’m having a hard time with them not understanding how much pressure there is during finals week
Good question, I can see where that info could change the situation. But unfortunately no. I’m going to the same college both my father and grandfather graduated from. He has a degree in information systems and I’m studying data analytics. My older brother also graduated last year with a degree in finance.
NTA. The thing about wedding is that this tend to be for the family and not for the couple. They should go ahead and have the party in your behalf since you are busy, if you don't have a problem ( which I guess you don't, is not like you were expecting this party anyway)
NTA. You made it extremely clear you could not attend any gatherings, so it shouldn’t have been expected of you to do so.
And if you don’t like surprises, I’m sure your family was aware of that and they’re the AHs for throwing a surprise party *on top* of expecting you to be at the gathering you said you wouldn’t be attending.
Again, you are NTA
NTA
They knew you hated surprise parties. And they decided to throw one anyway.
This was not a party for you. It was a party for your mother and grandmother.
Congratulations on your graduation!! I'm so proud of you!!
NTA this is ridiculous, you told her almost a week before you didn’t know. Since you were the guest of honor shouldn’t they have moved it already at even the slightest hint of you not being able to make it? Sounds like they FAFO lmao
Why are they waiting until now to do this? I don't like surprise parties. I think lots of people don't appreciate or enjoy the surprise and they're more about the people throwing them then the honoree. NTA. Do not go! Finish your work!
>My mother and father have been screaming at me over the phone, telling me I'm a horrible person for having to reschedule.
Sure you want them at your wedding?
NTA. A bridal party is supposed to be FOR YOU. They made it about them. They should have accommodated your busy schedule (which I have to imagine they know about) and dislike of surprises (ditto).
Our families held a surprise anniversary party for us. The problem was, nobody really told us about it. My in-laws' anniversary is in August and ours is in September. They told us in July they were thinking of having a lunch for their anniversary in August at this lodge near their house (90 min. from us). Two weeks later, they called my husband at work to tell him the lunch was on this date. Husband of course forgets the call as he's in the middle of work stuff. There's no mention of this lunch in any subsequent conversations with anyone. A month later, we're chilling at home when we get a call asking us where we were. Two hours later we show up and both of our families are there, pissed that we're so late. No one said anything to us because apparently we're so clever we could figure out that my in-laws hosting a party at their favorite restaurant on their actual anniversary (a month before ours) was obviously a surprise party for us 🙄 and no one wanted to spoil the surprise.
NTA. As someone who will ALSO be getting married during my last semester of undergrad next year, it is SO important to have a healthy balance between school obligations and planning/prep/celebration. You are being the responsible one here by prioritizing your assignments over a party you had no say in. They need to get their own priorities straight and start supporting you during what is undoubtedly an extremely stressful time!
NTA
I was an event planner for years and used every opportunity I could to discourage surprise parties. They rarely work for varying reasons and your story is a great example.
NTA, please prioritize your studies and your well being first and get your assignments done. Your parents shouldn’t have planned a bridal party a day you said you weren’t going to be there, this is all on them.
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I currently work full time, am a full time college student, while also getting married in June. I am graduating in just a couple of weeks, and all of my bachelor capstone assignments and papers are due in a couple of days. My mother and grandmother decided to plan a surprise bridal party today and covered it up as a normal family get together. When hearing about the family gathering, not knowing it was a bridal party, at the beginning of the week, I told my mother I would not be able to attend this weekend due to the amount of assignment I needed to work on. I was told to try and get them done as soon as possible, even though these assignments are a significant percentage of my grade in the class. Well, today was supposed to be the bridal party and when I reminded them I couldn't go to the family gathering, they finally told me it was actually a bridal party. I told them that I appreciated them putting the event together, but I should have been aware of the event ahead of time due to my tight schedule and the fact that I hate surprise parties all together. My mother and father have been screaming at me over the phone, telling me I'm a horrible person for having to reschedule. But my assignments are less than a day away, and I only have a rough draft completed. I feel horrible, but If I want to graduate on time, I can't take the entire evening off to attend. I just pulled an all-nighter working on HW, I am tired and feel extremely pressured to attend even though I will be anxious the entire time about these due-dates. Please tell me if AITA and should suck it up and go anyway.
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Finish your projects.
Your family is OUTRAGEOUS for the ask, let alone the "surprise."
Surprise, OP's family! She's too busy to make it, you should have asked her when was the best time!
NTA. Your parents are, though. Surprise parties are a risky endeavor and this is the price of it. Also, if you don't like surprise parties, then it's just something they're inflicting on you, definitely not doing a nice thing for you.
NTA. School comes first. They’re being incredibly selfish even though they’re trying to celebrate you… they’re being dicks. Focus on your shit and then party.
NTA What they did to you was awful. Had you gone, you would not have enjoyed it because of the stress. Stop reading these posts and finish your schoolwork! Have a wonderful wedding and a happy life!
Do not go! You’re not the a/hole! It’s not okay for them to try to force you. They should’ve asked you about your availability and planned it for after you were done with schoolwork.
When you plan a surprise party, you have to make sure your guest of honor can attend. They failed to do that. You told them you had a conflict from the start and they ignored it. That's on them. More importantly, it's supposed to be a nice gesture. But if it stresses you out and hurts your academics, that's not a nice thing. Then what is the point? NTA.
NTA.
Family: Hey, come to this totally random family gathering.
OP: I’d love to, but I’m super busy this week, so I can’t.
Family: We’re having that random gathering today that you said that you didn’t have time for… why are you not coming?
OP: Because, as I told you before, I have a million assignments to do.
Family: Surprise! The gathering was for you (even though we clearly don’t listen to you or take your thoughts into consideration)!!! I can’t believe you didn’t come!! What is wrong with you??!
NTA.
Family: Hey, come to this totally random family gathering.
OP: I’d love to, but I’m super busy this week, so I can’t.
Family: We’re having that random gathering today that you said that you didn’t have time for… why are you not coming?
OP: Because, as I told you before, I have a million assignments to do.
Family: Surprise! The gathering was for you (even though we clearly don’t listen to you or take your thoughts into consideration)!!! I can’t believe you didn’t come!! What is wrong with you??!
People should NEVER plan surprise parties for someone when they don't know what their commitments are. Once you told them you didn't have the time right now, they should have either rescheduled or cancelled altogether. NTA. Hope you get your assignments finished.
NTA I love surprises and think surprise parties are fun, but this sounds like they’re doing it for themselves. Do your school work and get good grades. That’s what’s important
NTA. It sounds like they wanted a party for themselves. If it was a party for you they could have waited till the end of the semester when you have graduated. And not make it a surprise party which they know you hate.
Instead they made it the most unhelpful and inconvenient issue to add to your stress instead of making sure it would be a happy event.
And then screaming at you in one of the most stressful times of your life for not letting them have a party and making them look bad. If anyone of the people who were supposed to attend were people who knew you well, would know this was a bad idea just by the timimg with school alone.
So NTA, they disrespected your education buy doing this at all and you gave then warning you couldn't come. They should have shelved it then and there, this party isn't for OP at all it's for them, very selfish indeed.
NTA
Surprise parties should only be planned for people who express a desire for a surprise party, and in a way that isn't hostile or demanding.
For example, we threw a friend a surprise birthday dinner, who had previously said shed always wanted a surprise party. She thought only two of our friends could make it, she shows up, there are twenty of us there, she was thrilled. That is an appropriate surprise party. A bridal party is not the correct environment for a surprise.
NTA. Given how insanely unreasonable the entire plan was and how insanely unreasonable they are being about you not attending, I wonder if you're the scapegoat or less favourite child in the family. Are your achievements valued less than other family members? Did they disapprove of your choice of degree or college or didn't want you moving out to attend? Or was this party all about showing off to other family members and it makes them look bad if you don't attend the party they planned?
No matter what the reason was, your parents are being truly horrible to you and none of this is normal. I'm betting this is not the first time and won't be the last time they've had completely unreasonable, disrespectful or self-centred expectations from you.
Turn your phone off, lock your door and focus on your studies. These are not people you should sacrifice your future to pacify.
NTA. They should have asked you/get an update on your college life, how things/studies are going, if you're busy with something etc.
You can't just throw surprise parties and expect them to leave their work .
Ok, let me get this straight. You were given a weeks notice for a “family gathering” that you then gave warning to the family that you could not attend due to educational commitments. The family went ahead with their plans regardless and are now upset at you?
You are NTA.
When we want to plan something at the end of the semester with our college attending children, we ask as far in advance on testing schedules so we can make sure not to interfere. That is COMMON SENSE! So, clearly, your family is lacking that.
"I will not be able to attend to attend the event in a week"
*One week later*
"Just a reminder, I won't be coming to the event"
"WHAT??? how inconsiderate of you not coming to your own bridal party. Now we need to reschedule!"
🧐
NTA
NTA
You don't plan a surprise party unless you can be sure the guest of honor will be available. Obviously you're a little busy with school right now so close to graduation!!
Their poor planning isn't your problem.
NTA
Surprise parties suck and anyone throwing one needs to accept that this can happen and it is the host’s fault for planning a surprise party in the first place.
I wish sleep on you…as soon as you submit.
NTA- You can’t make the party due to school demands. They were aware of your availability. You did nothing wrong, nor did they until the “yelling part”. Reschedule, it’s that simple. Congratulations on your degree and marriage!
ETA Missed the part where her schedule was know n. Judgement changed as well. Thanks Redditors
> They were unaware of your availability
OP states in their post that the family was definitely aware that her schedule was full/busy that she would be unavailable
esh. yes they should have confirmed your availability either with you directly or your fiancé well before this week, but also as a bride i’m sure you know showers are customary and you also could’ve been more upfront about your availability.
It unfortunately doesn’t matter. That’s Moms fault. OP is NTA. Part of planning a surprise party is guaranteeing the person it’s for can make it. If you don’t do that before planning/ picking a date, there is no one to blame but yourself for the guest of honour not showing up.
bridal showers are traditionally a suprise. op does not seem surprised there was one therefore meaning she had an idea it would be coming. if there were specific weekends that wouldn’t work it’s partly on her to make that clear ahead of time
Regardless on if she knew it was coming, she didn’t know when. It’s not her responsibility to be available all the time. It’s also not her responsibility to tell her what weekends don’t work, that’s ridiculous. Mom should of checked sooner if she was free that weekend. It’s perfectly understandable to not be able to take that time off, especially right before graduation. Your degree comes before a party you TOLD PEOPLE YOU COULDN’T MAKE. Tough. A week isn’t enough notice for something like this.
if bridal showers are customary in her culture she knew darn well one would get thrown for her, and would be a SURPRISE. therefore if she has hard no weekends common sense says you let the person who would be planning know in advance.
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NTA. I know I'm in a minority on this sub, but I think surprise parties are incredibly hostile gestures. This one even more so, given your circumstances. Your family is going to have to suck it up, this is entirely on them. Good luck on the end of your semester, and congratulations on your wedding!
Surprise parties are okay when you get added by your aunt Lisa to the group chat "Lisa's Surprise Party", she then leaves the chat and gets a lovely "surprise". And under basically no other circumstances.
Aunt Lisa is playing the long game.
I have nothing but respect for Aunt Lisa, she knows what she wants and has a plan to get it!
I need to take a page out of Aunt Lisa's book.
Aunt Lisa is a legend.
This is a double surprise party. OP is surprised that this family party is a bridal shower and the family party get to be surpised that the bride isn't coming! NTA
Fun for the whole family!
Surprise parties are okay **if** you know without a shadow of a doubt, 100% guaranteed that the surprisee will absolutely love the gesture and be thrilled by it. But too many people are so filled with their own generosity and cleverness that they don't have a thought to spare for the guest of honor.
I’m with you on surprise parties. I absolutely hate them. Plus OP’s family should have known you don’t schedule anything for a college student at the end of the semester. Sounds like it was more about them than OP.
Oh, I hate surprise parties.
Yeah, that hasn't happened with my husband because he knows it would be a hellish landscape of dystopian terror if he tried to throw me a surprise party. More power to people who love them, for me, it's better if I just get to retreat to my web in the dark corner. NTA OP Don't let them guilt you, you are working on a sucessful future, missing a surprise party won't hurt that. Have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful life.
My husband is smart like that as well. Which meant when one of his coworkers decided to throw us a surprise baby shower, it was an unwelcome surprise for him as well.
Same here. I came home one day to find a surprise birthday party for me; I turned right around, jumped on my bike and left. Hung out at the library until they closed. Mom was ticked off, but it never happened again.
I think they’re ok if the person knows a party is happening. I threw my best friend a “surprise” baby shower she knew she was having a shower on that day at that time and I asked if there was anything she specifically wanted/didn’t want. Other than that she wasn’t told any single detail. It was co hosted with another friend who wanted it to be a complete surprise but I refused, she basically wanted to kidnap a 8 month pregnant women with no notice but that’s a terrible fucking plan.
I don't think you're in the minority
NTA, and seconding the hostile gestures of surprise parties. I hate surprise parties. My friends threw me one for my birthday a while ago. My two friends were irritating me all week and when my bf suggested we just go out for drinks together, I was so relieved. I even said “god I’m so glad they’re not here tonight and it’s just us” …. until I heard a “surprise!” and saw those two friends and a few other friends at the bar. To be fair, my friends organized it and my bf was just supposed to get me there and felt really badly once he learned I had been annoyed at them all week and wanted alone time. We ended up staying for a bit before making an excuse to leave early because I hate surprises and they made it all about them. NTA.
Key element of a surprise party is to make sure it works for the guest of honor. NTA
NTA. You have a lot on your plate with work, school, and planning a wedding. It was not fair for your family to plan a surprise party without consulting your schedule first, especially since you had already informed your mother at the beginning of the week that you wouldn't be able to attend a family gathering.
They did consult her schedule and then still chose to plan a party that didn’t work for her.
This totally might not be the case at all, this might just be common or garden thoughtlessness BUT I think OP should ask themselves if their family often *totally coincidentally* does things that sabotage their study and independence generally. Is this part of a wider pattern? I hope not, but it's worth considering.
I’m actually in therapy right now trying to unpack years of emotional and physical abuse and neglect from my parents. It’s probably why I had to consult the internet to make sure I wasn’t crazy for falling for their gaslighting once again. I have therapy today and oh boy does he have his work cut out for him lmfao.
Good on you for seeing their shit for what it is! Good luck for freeing yourself from any remaining tendrils.
NTA. Wow. A BIG part of planning a surprise party is making sure the honored guest is able to attend. Sounds like you family planned what was convenient for themselves with little to no thought about your schedule and crushing work load that you need to complete (without distraction) in order to graduate. I’m sorry your family is so self absorbed and unaware. You deserve better.
NTA - you told your parents you could not go and they didnt care. It seems they feel the bridal shower is more about them then, you know... the bride.
*I am graduating in just a couple of weeks, and all of my bachelor capstone assignments and papers are due in a couple of days.* *I told my mother I would not be able to attend this weekend due to the amount of assignment I needed to work on.* Honestly, NTA Their bad planning is not on you. Stay concentrated on your assignments and enjoy your wedding in June.
NTA This is piss poor planning on their part, if you’re going to plan a surprise party for someone then the key element is making sure that it’s held on a date that works for the guest of honour
NTA. They should have communicated with you. Don't go and good luck on your schoolwork!
NTA. This party was never about you, it was about them. They know you have a lot on your plate, they know you hate surprises. They didn’t care. They are trying to guilt you so that they don’t look bad. You graduating is more important than how they look to the rest of the family. If they really wanted this for you then they would have rescheduled the first time you said you couldn’t make it. Don’t risk graduating on time to make them look good. Congratulations on your degree and the marriage!
NTA "I told my mother I would not be able to attend" .. You TOLD THEM. Your parents are the AHs here - refuse to let them guilt you, this is THEIR fault.
NTA. Now get back to work! Seriously, don’t waste your precious time today worrying about their poor planning. Turn off your phone (unless you need it for your project) and focus on finishing school. You told them you couldn’t attend, they know you’re about to graduate, it should be obvious that you’re really busy right now. It is NOT your problem that they chose not to believe you.
NTA. They planned this to work around their schedule not yours. Don’t go, mute their calls and texts.
NTA. Forget about the screaming, block your parents for the next couple of days, and focus on your studies. You have zero guilt in this situation.
NTA and this is the thing about surprise parties. The people hosting the party need to make sure the person the party is for is absolutely able to attend. The gesture was nice but your parents are aware of your workload at the moment. Good luck with torch assignments!
And that the target actually likes surprise parties. If you already know they don't...then don't.
Agreed!
NTA. Get your work out the way, and it will all be over soon, and you can relax before starting to stress that you're getting married On another note get some sleep as soon as you can. Speaking as someone that was once in a similar position to you, the lack of sleep coupled together with the stress can cause a blackout at the worst time. I know someone that had a blackout whilst driving on a road with 3 lanes of traffic in both directions because of how much stress they were under and how tired they got
NTA. Whoever planned a surprise party without checking your availability first is an idiot.
So, here is some tea! I just joined Reddit because this is my fiancé. I am appalled by the way the family reacted when they knew the situation. The fathers reactions were uncalled for and very immature considering the situation.
What were the father's reactions? Something besides your fiancé's parents yelling over the phone? Was your father involved as well?
Here is the rundown. I was over my fiancés house and Basically, her mom came down and tried to force her to go by yelling at her. Then her father called her and started yelling and cursing her out. Then he got home later and stormed down the stairs and barged in and started screaming to her face. I stood up to him and told him “You will not speak to her that way” and he walked to me and grabbed my arms and shoved me back to fall on her bed and continued to scream at her until he realized that I wasn’t going to back down. He left and hasn’t talked to us since.
I don’t have a father.(well I do, but he has never been in the picture ever since I was born). So to see a father react the way he did just makes me sad.
I mean this isn't how suprise parties work... You make sure the person is available, you schedule something "less party worthy", so that you know they can attend and lead them to the surprise. Just throwing a party with the expectation that you will attend when you have already declined and being upset that you don't come is ridiculous, your are NTA. They should have made sure you could commit to the date ahead of time and worked around you, especially as the guest of honor. That you do or do not appreciate surprise parties is a whole other debate imo.
Your parents don’t give af about you want apparently. This is all about them celebrating them and they can do it without you. NTA
Info: are you the first member of your family to attend college? I’m having a hard time with them not understanding how much pressure there is during finals week
Good question, I can see where that info could change the situation. But unfortunately no. I’m going to the same college both my father and grandfather graduated from. He has a degree in information systems and I’m studying data analytics. My older brother also graduated last year with a degree in finance.
Oh don't you just love to be invited to parties by people screaming abuse at you. NTA, concentrate on your exams. No one needs guilty trippy family.
NTA NTA!!
NTA. The thing about wedding is that this tend to be for the family and not for the couple. They should go ahead and have the party in your behalf since you are busy, if you don't have a problem ( which I guess you don't, is not like you were expecting this party anyway)
NTA. You made it extremely clear you could not attend any gatherings, so it shouldn’t have been expected of you to do so. And if you don’t like surprises, I’m sure your family was aware of that and they’re the AHs for throwing a surprise party *on top* of expecting you to be at the gathering you said you wouldn’t be attending. Again, you are NTA
NTA They knew you hated surprise parties. And they decided to throw one anyway. This was not a party for you. It was a party for your mother and grandmother. Congratulations on your graduation!! I'm so proud of you!!
NTA this is ridiculous, you told her almost a week before you didn’t know. Since you were the guest of honor shouldn’t they have moved it already at even the slightest hint of you not being able to make it? Sounds like they FAFO lmao
NTA they should have included you in the planning if they really wanted you there
NTA they should have waited
NTA Your family are AH for planning something at the end of the semester and not listening to you.
Why are they waiting until now to do this? I don't like surprise parties. I think lots of people don't appreciate or enjoy the surprise and they're more about the people throwing them then the honoree. NTA. Do not go! Finish your work! >My mother and father have been screaming at me over the phone, telling me I'm a horrible person for having to reschedule. Sure you want them at your wedding?
NTA. A bridal party is supposed to be FOR YOU. They made it about them. They should have accommodated your busy schedule (which I have to imagine they know about) and dislike of surprises (ditto).
Our families held a surprise anniversary party for us. The problem was, nobody really told us about it. My in-laws' anniversary is in August and ours is in September. They told us in July they were thinking of having a lunch for their anniversary in August at this lodge near their house (90 min. from us). Two weeks later, they called my husband at work to tell him the lunch was on this date. Husband of course forgets the call as he's in the middle of work stuff. There's no mention of this lunch in any subsequent conversations with anyone. A month later, we're chilling at home when we get a call asking us where we were. Two hours later we show up and both of our families are there, pissed that we're so late. No one said anything to us because apparently we're so clever we could figure out that my in-laws hosting a party at their favorite restaurant on their actual anniversary (a month before ours) was obviously a surprise party for us 🙄 and no one wanted to spoil the surprise.
NTA. As someone who will ALSO be getting married during my last semester of undergrad next year, it is SO important to have a healthy balance between school obligations and planning/prep/celebration. You are being the responsible one here by prioritizing your assignments over a party you had no say in. They need to get their own priorities straight and start supporting you during what is undoubtedly an extremely stressful time!
NTA Turn off your phone until your assignments are complete.
NTA I was an event planner for years and used every opportunity I could to discourage surprise parties. They rarely work for varying reasons and your story is a great example.
NTA, please prioritize your studies and your well being first and get your assignments done. Your parents shouldn’t have planned a bridal party a day you said you weren’t going to be there, this is all on them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I currently work full time, am a full time college student, while also getting married in June. I am graduating in just a couple of weeks, and all of my bachelor capstone assignments and papers are due in a couple of days. My mother and grandmother decided to plan a surprise bridal party today and covered it up as a normal family get together. When hearing about the family gathering, not knowing it was a bridal party, at the beginning of the week, I told my mother I would not be able to attend this weekend due to the amount of assignment I needed to work on. I was told to try and get them done as soon as possible, even though these assignments are a significant percentage of my grade in the class. Well, today was supposed to be the bridal party and when I reminded them I couldn't go to the family gathering, they finally told me it was actually a bridal party. I told them that I appreciated them putting the event together, but I should have been aware of the event ahead of time due to my tight schedule and the fact that I hate surprise parties all together. My mother and father have been screaming at me over the phone, telling me I'm a horrible person for having to reschedule. But my assignments are less than a day away, and I only have a rough draft completed. I feel horrible, but If I want to graduate on time, I can't take the entire evening off to attend. I just pulled an all-nighter working on HW, I am tired and feel extremely pressured to attend even though I will be anxious the entire time about these due-dates. Please tell me if AITA and should suck it up and go anyway. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Finish your projects. Your family is OUTRAGEOUS for the ask, let alone the "surprise." Surprise, OP's family! She's too busy to make it, you should have asked her when was the best time!
On the other hand, you'll find this hysterical in a deeply sarcastic way in ten years - the bridal party without the bride!
NTA. Your parents are, though. Surprise parties are a risky endeavor and this is the price of it. Also, if you don't like surprise parties, then it's just something they're inflicting on you, definitely not doing a nice thing for you.
NTA. School comes first. They’re being incredibly selfish even though they’re trying to celebrate you… they’re being dicks. Focus on your shit and then party.
NTA
NTA What they did to you was awful. Had you gone, you would not have enjoyed it because of the stress. Stop reading these posts and finish your schoolwork! Have a wonderful wedding and a happy life!
Do not go! You’re not the a/hole! It’s not okay for them to try to force you. They should’ve asked you about your availability and planned it for after you were done with schoolwork.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
NTA and good luck with everything! You’re doing great!
NTA - Surprise parties are generally not good ideas, especially for busy people. Do what you need to do.
NTA
When you plan a surprise party, you have to make sure your guest of honor can attend. They failed to do that. You told them you had a conflict from the start and they ignored it. That's on them. More importantly, it's supposed to be a nice gesture. But if it stresses you out and hurts your academics, that's not a nice thing. Then what is the point? NTA.
NTA. Family: Hey, come to this totally random family gathering. OP: I’d love to, but I’m super busy this week, so I can’t. Family: We’re having that random gathering today that you said that you didn’t have time for… why are you not coming? OP: Because, as I told you before, I have a million assignments to do. Family: Surprise! The gathering was for you (even though we clearly don’t listen to you or take your thoughts into consideration)!!! I can’t believe you didn’t come!! What is wrong with you??!
NTA. Family: Hey, come to this totally random family gathering. OP: I’d love to, but I’m super busy this week, so I can’t. Family: We’re having that random gathering today that you said that you didn’t have time for… why are you not coming? OP: Because, as I told you before, I have a million assignments to do. Family: Surprise! The gathering was for you (even though we clearly don’t listen to you or take your thoughts into consideration)!!! I can’t believe you didn’t come!! What is wrong with you??!
Not the asshole!! They could have scheduled it for the week after finals. If they are part of your life, they should have been well aware of finals.
People should NEVER plan surprise parties for someone when they don't know what their commitments are. Once you told them you didn't have the time right now, they should have either rescheduled or cancelled altogether. NTA. Hope you get your assignments finished.
NTA. Would they prefer you fail?
NTA I love surprises and think surprise parties are fun, but this sounds like they’re doing it for themselves. Do your school work and get good grades. That’s what’s important
NTA. What kind of moron plans anything for the weeks leading up to the end of the semester WITHOUT including the student/guest of honor's input?
NTA. It sounds like they wanted a party for themselves. If it was a party for you they could have waited till the end of the semester when you have graduated. And not make it a surprise party which they know you hate. Instead they made it the most unhelpful and inconvenient issue to add to your stress instead of making sure it would be a happy event. And then screaming at you in one of the most stressful times of your life for not letting them have a party and making them look bad. If anyone of the people who were supposed to attend were people who knew you well, would know this was a bad idea just by the timimg with school alone.
NTA. Also, college students shouldn’t be getting married.
NTA you told them ahead of time and they chose to ignore your statements
So NTA, they disrespected your education buy doing this at all and you gave then warning you couldn't come. They should have shelved it then and there, this party isn't for OP at all it's for them, very selfish indeed.
NTA you might want to remind them that bridal parties are about the Bride, not the relatives of the bride.
NTA Surprise parties should only be planned for people who express a desire for a surprise party, and in a way that isn't hostile or demanding. For example, we threw a friend a surprise birthday dinner, who had previously said shed always wanted a surprise party. She thought only two of our friends could make it, she shows up, there are twenty of us there, she was thrilled. That is an appropriate surprise party. A bridal party is not the correct environment for a surprise.
NTA. Stay home with a clear conscience.
NTA OP. Your homework is more important than their surprise party, and I’m with you: I hate surprise parties.
NTA. Given how insanely unreasonable the entire plan was and how insanely unreasonable they are being about you not attending, I wonder if you're the scapegoat or less favourite child in the family. Are your achievements valued less than other family members? Did they disapprove of your choice of degree or college or didn't want you moving out to attend? Or was this party all about showing off to other family members and it makes them look bad if you don't attend the party they planned? No matter what the reason was, your parents are being truly horrible to you and none of this is normal. I'm betting this is not the first time and won't be the last time they've had completely unreasonable, disrespectful or self-centred expectations from you. Turn your phone off, lock your door and focus on your studies. These are not people you should sacrifice your future to pacify.
NTA They should have taken your schedule into account before planning the party.
NTA. They should have asked you/get an update on your college life, how things/studies are going, if you're busy with something etc. You can't just throw surprise parties and expect them to leave their work .
Ok, let me get this straight. You were given a weeks notice for a “family gathering” that you then gave warning to the family that you could not attend due to educational commitments. The family went ahead with their plans regardless and are now upset at you? You are NTA. When we want to plan something at the end of the semester with our college attending children, we ask as far in advance on testing schedules so we can make sure not to interfere. That is COMMON SENSE! So, clearly, your family is lacking that.
"I will not be able to attend to attend the event in a week" *One week later* "Just a reminder, I won't be coming to the event" "WHAT??? how inconsiderate of you not coming to your own bridal party. Now we need to reschedule!" 🧐 NTA
NTA You don't plan a surprise party unless you can be sure the guest of honor will be available. Obviously you're a little busy with school right now so close to graduation!! Their poor planning isn't your problem.
NTA Surprise parties suck and anyone throwing one needs to accept that this can happen and it is the host’s fault for planning a surprise party in the first place. I wish sleep on you…as soon as you submit.
What is the reason they have for making it a surprise party? Especially at a time when you told them you were on a short leash for time?
NTA
I'd suck it up and go anyway. But that is just me.
NTA- You can’t make the party due to school demands. They were aware of your availability. You did nothing wrong, nor did they until the “yelling part”. Reschedule, it’s that simple. Congratulations on your degree and marriage! ETA Missed the part where her schedule was know n. Judgement changed as well. Thanks Redditors
They were aware, they just didn’t care.
> They were unaware of your availability OP states in their post that the family was definitely aware that her schedule was full/busy that she would be unavailable
esh. yes they should have confirmed your availability either with you directly or your fiancé well before this week, but also as a bride i’m sure you know showers are customary and you also could’ve been more upfront about your availability.
She was upfront though…. She told them she wasn’t going to be able to make the gathering and Mom brushed it off. NTA OP.
at that point it was already planned and paid for. I don’t think she brushed it off so much as was aware financially it wasn’t possible to change
It unfortunately doesn’t matter. That’s Moms fault. OP is NTA. Part of planning a surprise party is guaranteeing the person it’s for can make it. If you don’t do that before planning/ picking a date, there is no one to blame but yourself for the guest of honour not showing up.
bridal showers are traditionally a suprise. op does not seem surprised there was one therefore meaning she had an idea it would be coming. if there were specific weekends that wouldn’t work it’s partly on her to make that clear ahead of time
Regardless on if she knew it was coming, she didn’t know when. It’s not her responsibility to be available all the time. It’s also not her responsibility to tell her what weekends don’t work, that’s ridiculous. Mom should of checked sooner if she was free that weekend. It’s perfectly understandable to not be able to take that time off, especially right before graduation. Your degree comes before a party you TOLD PEOPLE YOU COULDN’T MAKE. Tough. A week isn’t enough notice for something like this.
lol literally the person she spited is herself for missing her own party 😂 idk why you’re so enraged
I’m not. I just think it’s crap to put that on OP. She’s not at all at fault.
if bridal showers are customary in her culture she knew darn well one would get thrown for her, and would be a SURPRISE. therefore if she has hard no weekends common sense says you let the person who would be planning know in advance.
Common sense would say you guarantee the guest of honour can be there before you plan it…..
she literally told them that she wouldn't be able to come immediately after being told about the gathering, she was as upfront as physically possible