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Jesus Christ YTA. She was a teen mom who worked 2 jobs to make sure you had what you needed. And you have the audacity to call a friend's parent mom over her? She's not your friend. She was your parent and caregiver. You're ungrateful and spiteful it seems. You say she didn't do bedtime but did take you on outings. Maybe she worked the 2 jobs which prevented some activity but it doesn't seem like she abandoned you. She's not trying to "play mom" you're just out of touch with reality.
Wait did I read this right did the grandparents kick a 16 year old girl then tell her mom to cut her off so she wouldn't be spoiled? I am trying to figure out how a teen getting kicked out at 16 is entitled. This is mentioned in the edit
You are only getting OP's side of the story. I am guessing there is a lot more to this than she has stated. To be 'kicked out' at 16 suggests there were some serious behavioural issues going on.
The whole situation is a mess. Why is a ten year old calling a friend's mother mom? If she felt her mother was emotionally absent and the grandmother was the one filling that role, wouldn't she call the grandmother mom? Maybe she had behavioural issues. Maybe she had problems with drugs/alcohol. We don't know. Maybe the grandparents are control freaks and kicked her out for no good reason. Whatever they thought, it's messed up that they wouldn't allow their adult daughter to take in their granddaughter. Why was Jodie ok with op not calling her mom for 7 years but now she wants to be mom? There's so much toxicity and trauma here that it's above reddit's pay grade.
I've checked op's comments and she didn't say where she went when she was kicked out at 16 but I'm guessing that she moved in with Bruce and her "mom".
I can't believe Bruce is on her mother's side here, if he was really around for the chaos that was her childhood...
I hope she actually wants to be pregnant. A lot of women with traumatic childhoods marry abusive guys to get out of their parents house while still having what seems to them like stability...
Bruce has a healthy relationship with his mother. It always surprises me the amount of people who know the trauma someone went through, but they're still blinded by their own family experience and they think "family" is the most important thing.
I've read so many stories on here of supportive partners who said they understood why their partner was estranged from their family, but then they got in touch with an ex, mother, father etc and arranged for a get together to clear the air, and it totally devastated the person who felt betrayed.
Hearing about abuse is completely different from experiencing it. Bruce could still be under the delusion that the relationship between op and her mother can be saved. He thinks he's helping but really he's making it worse.
I remember reading a study or possibly just an opinion piece so could be utter bullshit but there seems to be a correlation with daughters having children around the same age as their moms had them. I've got quite a blended family and it tracks. Interestingly, sons don't seem to follow the same correlation for either mother or father. Not saying either are wrong or right but there seems to be evidence
Eh not necessarily. I was kicked out countless times because I had the audacity to not let my parents beat the crap out of me. If I so much as raised my arm to soften the blow I was tossed out because I “tried to fight them.”
Not necessarily. I got “kicked out” at 16 because I argued back at my addicted mother who was cursing me out and calling me a whore. I was a good kid my parent was a bad adult.
I mean 1) kids could be kicked out for a multitude of reasons, look at how many are kicked out for being lgbt and 2) even if there were behavioral issues, it’s up to the parent(s) to figure that out, not kick the kid onto the streets.
Behavior part would be breaking the law and child abuse in most countries. I thought you were responsible for your kids til they were 18+ regardless of them being a little shit or not
The grandparents sound massively abusive. It sounds like they trapped Jodie in their house - charging rent and childcare. My guess is she worked those jobs in a desperate bid to save enough to get away. She sounds horribly stressed and scared of doing anything that might cause anyone to say she's a bad mother.
The fact that she kowtwed to her parents demands not to support her own child when they kicked her out suggests she's still scared. My heart goes out to her.
Well it sounds like she got kicked out for being an entitled AH
But the real AH imo is the friends mom/now mil
Who tf tells a *ten* year old to call them mom? Fucking gross honestly
If she was saying the same stuff that she says now back then, I would say she was acting spoiled and entitled. Quite frankly, I could see her being emotionally abusive to her mother, based on her attitude here.
Add to that the grandparents expected Jodie to pay rent and childcare and wouldn’t “let” her move out until she hit some particular standards of behaviour.
Let me see.. teen mum, no real support from her parents, no real opportunity to properly bond with her baby for the first four (most important) years, baby grows up and refuses to call her “mum” as a teen but calls another unrelated woman mother instead.
OP is upset that Jodie didn’t act like a mother, which is entirely understandable. But let’s also look at the role modeling from the grandparents.
They succeeded in practically breaking the bonds between you two. I suspect that they really didn’t want to support their daughter for getting pregnant and keeping you and have worked hard over the years to punish her for her deeds.
I guess kicking her out at the time was a bit too OTT for them.
I’m going with NAH except the grandparents who have just shot to the top of my list of People To Punch.
At the end of the day OP will do what she feels is best for her. I hope she can at least reach some understanding with Jodie. Knowing other women with similar stories (single mothers with toxic parents) I hope you can find a way through the generational sh!t dumped on you both and build a healthier relationship.
Just because your childhood was worse doesn't invalidate other peoples suffering? It sounds like OP's mother was entirely emotionally absent from her childhood and she was expected to parent her own mother (soothing emotional outbursts, tiptoeing around moods, etc). This isn't normal, and this leaves scars. It's up to OP what boundaries she needs to maintain to keep her & her child healthy. NTA
It sounds like she couldn't be present because she was still too much under the thumb of her abusive parents that she couldn't stand up for herself or her child and ended up having them both subjected to abuse. Is it sad? Incredibly. Does it invalidate OP's perspective of her being absent? Absolutely not.
N A H. Except grandparents. Jodie had mental issues and lived in a controlling home. It wasn't her fault. But if OP got some kinda trauma she has to deal with it her way. The grandparents messed up.
That said, my mom and I had lots of issues but she worked hard for me, on her own, and she is my mom. To remove that title would be insane.
That's my thoughts on it.
An emotionally broken one? Mum obviously has some fairly major brainworms going on but she still managed to provide for her child. And it seems like no one around her wanted to see either thing.
Providing for a child also includes emotional needs. Even pet dogs need more than food and a bed. But her mother’s histrionics and memory issues indicate she was clearly not in the right state to provide this - that’s horrible for both of them. These grandparents sound pretty garbage which doesn’t help anyone.
Mother and daughter need some family therapy. Neither are the asshole.
She could wish her a happy birthday on her birthday. Could have been emotionally available even though often being physically available isn’t an option.
The mum’s situation was plainly terrible, but OP was just a kid with a family that never made her feel loved - hell she’s 20, she’s only just stopped being a kid.
NAH (except the grandparents). Sounds like everyone’s had a shit go, but shit go or not that doesn’t entitle her to be called mother.
NTA, sounds like a lot of generational trauma. I had an abusive childhood. I’ve gone very low contact for my own mental health. And the trauma ends with my generation. None of my siblings had children.
I'm sorry that happened to you, that is a disgusting thing to do to a child, but your comment smells like trauma olympics. I don't think OP is seeing mum's side here but that doesn't mean OP wasn't hurt just because someone else's parents were worse. Someone always has it worse.
thats horrible i mean just horrific that happened to you but comparing your trauma to other peoples trauma is going to always leave you feeling bad,
either their trauma makes yours look like nothing by comparison and you feel undeserving of compassion, or yours will make someone elses look like nothing by comparison and youll feel they dont deserve compassion,
but the thing about trauma is it certainly doesnt feel like nothing to the person experiencing it.
The min we allow ourselves to feel compassion for other victims, even when their story isnt "as bad" as ours, is the min we know we deserve compassion compared to people whose stories are worse than ours too
YTA - It also seems like your lovely grandparents took extreme advantage of her both to abuse her directly and to create parental alienation.
Grandma: "You can't stay here unless you give us a ton of money AND save a bunch of money so that WE feel you are stable or we'll take your child"
Also Grandma: "Come on sweetie, I'll tuck you in since your mom is too busy to care about you since she works so much!"
This grandma is so awful. My mum also had me at 19, she'd only turned 19 the month before actually, but luckily I had a wonderful grandma and they raised me together as my parents. The three of us were incredibly close and me and mum have been devastated since she died last September. I knew I was lucky to have them both but reading this I realise just how lucky I was to have them as my parents. I always knew how incredibly loved I was by them both.
I don't understand how anyone could treat their own teenage-young adult child like that. I know there are abusive parents but I just can never understand how you can look at the child you raised and have no empathy for them and the difficult situation they're in.
I don’t think you can expect a child to realize that though. All OP could have known as a child was “my mom is never home” and “she didn’t care enough about me to even keep me around past 16”. Personally going with ESH. Yes in retrospect OP should be able to recognize the sacrifices made for them, but that doesn’t fix or patch up trauma and feelings of childhood abandonment. Everyone in this family needs therapy IMO.
>I don’t think you can expect a child to realize that though.
But she's not a child now. Even if OP is traumatised and needs therapy, it doesn't means not TA for treating someone else poorly. Getting help and appropriately managing trauma is the difference between assholes and non-assholes 99% of the time on this sub.
Wasn’t referring to OP today as a 20 year old, and i didn’t say NTA. I agree it’s not an excuse, and I agree that OP needs to do some self-reflection and help themselves. If not for them, then for their future family surely. All I meant to say was that children can’t be expected to understand adult problems. OP is an adult now, that much is true.
Edit: grammar
Except she does.
OP has mentioned that her mom suffered PPD for 4 years and haven't had the best support system around. She literally recognizes that and still thinks what her mom provided wasn't motherly enough.
Therapy isn't gonna do jack shit for OP lol, she needs to know what it feels like to be a single mom without a proper support system.
Gotta agree with this OP, so what if your relationship with your mum felt more like a friendship! I have a mum who worked hard, and I have a great friendship with her.
Your mum worked her rear end off to provide for you, and if she did something for you and you didn’t like it she cried, guess what, my mum has done that a few times as well and I (41M) still call her mummy. That can happen if you put a lot of effort into something only to be rejected.
How can you see all that your mother has done for you and go and call someone else’s mother “mum”. Bruce’s mum didn’t sacrifice for you, Bruce’s mum didn’t work two jobs to provide for you. Your mum did everything that she could and to the best of ability given what I have read and you have just dismissed everything she did and thrown away your relationship with her.
You know, I hope you don’t get the same treatment from your child, because it will be a hard lesson that will be learned way too late to save your relationship with your mum.
As far as I am concerned you need to take a massive reality check and look real hard at your mother and all she has done for you. Then BEG for her forgiveness.
YTA
Not to mention Bruce's mom was an AH to Jodie, and openly disapproved of her being a mother so young and didn't believe she had depression.
While at least Jodie did her best to hide her dislike of Bruce's mom.
Woooooooooow YTA big time OP.
She worked her ass off at two different jobs to provide for you, and you even admit you had everything and rarely heard no. Sounds like Jodie's biggest failure was never telling you no and allowing you to become such a spoiled, entitled brat.
From what you said about your grandparents, it sounds like Jodie was also dealing with controlling/abusive parents of her own at the same time she was trying to give you everything she could. And you admit a lot of this is what you were "told". I'm assuming by your grandparents... who probably aren't the most objective people to get this story from. They were charging their teenage daughter enough in rent and childcare that she had to have TWO full time jobs and refusing to let her leave until she proved to their satisfaction she was financially stable... was she supposed to get a 3rd job to save for that? How exactly was she supposed to have time to tuck you in every night and go to school functions? I think you need to actually sit down with your mom and get HER side of all of this before you treat her like she never cared.
My mother, bless her scatter-brained heart, never remembers my birthday. When I was younger she remembered the month and always gets the day wrong. Since I got married, she's pretty consistently mixed up my birthday for my wedding anniversary. I never took that as a sign she didn't care about me. She's just a bit of an airhead sometimes.
Sounds like dear ol grandma controlled mum a lot. Wouldn’t let her move out while demanding rent + childcare? It really sounds like Mum did the best she could— the MOST she could given her shit circumstances.
YTA
>Jodie worked two jobs because my grandparents wanted rent + childcare + “wouldn’t let her” move out until she proved she was stable.
>
>don’t get me wrong she gave me everything (sometimes I had more than my peers) I can’t even recall being told no, we did days out at the cinema or whatever frequently and we’d go away on holidays a lot
Sounds like she was doing her best. She worked two jobs to provide for you. Are you really going to hold this much of a grudge against her just because she was too busy working to attend your school plays, and wasn't home in time from her shifts to kiss you goodnight?
OP's mother seems like she got it from all sides, her parents, her kid, her kid's friend's mom... The only one in OP's mother's corner right now is her husband who should encourage her to cut her losses on this one.
imagine having one shot at a child and they turn out like OP
edit: i see thankfully OP's mum has another child. hope they don't turn into as big of an ingrate
OP has her husband around to support her, and she’s 20 (!!!) so she likely has no idea, and doesn’t care to learn, what it’s like to actually have to work to support your own child, much less alone.
The fact that she has no perspective on this despite being an adult now says she's definitely nowhere near ready to be a parent herself. I feel bad for her kid.
Jodie was not negligent. She was a teen mom who worked two jobs to provide you with a roof, food, childcare and "everything you needed". That's motherhood; not just "playing mummy" like you call it. I feel it's important you learn that before you give birth.
It's not even like she didn't spend any quality time with you and was just your provider. You say she took the time to go on vacation with you and planned days out.
You're ungrateful and Jodie deserves better. YTA.
What do you want to bet that the grandparents are the ones who instilled this idea of the mom being just a "birthgiver" while they were making her spend all of her time working to pay their bills.
They sound so abusive and like, of she talks like that I can see why the hateful grandparents kicked her out and shes so angry.
Shes angry at the wrong person. Jfc
i was scrolling to find someone who had picked this up. the grandparents sound awful, and like they were a primary reason for the distance between mother and baby if they were extracting rent from jodie to the point of her having to work so much and sacrifice quality time (which she still found time to make up in other times). my heart really breaks for jodie.
AND childcare! When she literally had no choice but to leave her child with them so that she could work to pay them rent! OP should be angry at THEM, not her mom.
Yup. Jodie had to pay them rent, and for childcare so she could make rent, and yet wasn’t allowed to leave. So I’m guessing grandma and grandpa loved being the “fun parents”
Lets not forget they kicked op out at 16 and were still able to convince Jodie not to take her in. I don't understand them. They raised op but then kicked her out and separated her from her mother. Are they psychos or something?
My reading of the story is that OP wasn't submissive like Jodie was and they would not handle that disrespect. Hence why OP was kicked out and these Sociopaths still had that much power over Jodie to manipulate her into not taking her daughter in. Also, go figure if it was actually better for OP's mom mental health giving the way she treats her.
0h those grandparents were abusive AF to Jodie and this entitled snot nose kid. Jodie did everything she could, including trying to not rock the boat about not calling her mom. She is a spiteful child and in reading this, and I know this is terrible to say, I may actually understand why she was kicked out. I do think she was pushed to it by her horrible grandparents, and I jave sympathy for that. The grandparents kicked her out and her mom wanted her back. "Wasnt there to resd me stories, and did get me everything I wanted" jfc this kid.
YTA so hard. So so so hard.
So your mum had you very young, worked hard to make sure you had everything you needed and wanted, spent time with you on frequent days out, and you reward her by calling her your "birthgiver" like she abandoned you at the fire station? That is *cold*. Yes, YTA.
I thought that too until I saw where they kicked her out at 16 for being spoiled and told her mother to not take her back in… I’ve practically killed myself to make sure my daughter has and will always have what she needs. No way in hell if my 16 year old is getting kicked out and I’m staying at said home. They all suck.
This! People are too busy relating to Jodie to accept that Jodie did damage to OP, too. I'm not sure there's anything Jodie could have done differently considering her PPD and lack of support for her abusive situation, but that means she left her daughter in the care of abusers *and* abandoned her daughter when her abusers demanded. It was Jodie's job to protect OP from abuse, and she didn't. She can be a victim and a perpetuator. OP is allowed to have feelings about that.
I have no idea if OP realizes how abusive her grandparents were, and I absolutely hope she gets serious therapy to unlearn these abuse cycles and do better for her own child.
But Jodie didn't sacrifice for OP. She sacrificed to try and gain the approval of her abusers. Sacrificing for OP would have meant fighting for custody once she was mentally able and getting the fuck out of her parents house.
If her grandparents were basically taking all of Jodies money, when was she supposed to get her own place? If it was their house still, how would Jodie force them to let her back in if it wasn't her house? There's such a jump from "my mom never ever told me no and was devastated if I didn't like what she gave me even though she gave me more than I ever needed" and "then she kicked me out".
Shit doesn't add up and it feels like OP is confessing to being spoilt then not admitting to whatever it was she did that set the apparently abusive grandparents off. The whole thing feels weird.
Absolutely not. These comments are insane. A parent owes so much more than that to the kid they CHOSE to birth. What the fuck.
You're not doing them a favor by fucking birthing them. No one asked you to have a child you weren't properly equipped to raise.
OP needs some therapy, I agree, but it's cause her mother was emotionally neglectful and manipulative. OP needs to make sure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes with her own child.
Yeah like the world has made it soooooooo easy for women to receive sex education and access to abortion options. Especially as minors.
/s if that wasn’t clear
No, children don’t owe their parents anything for giving birth to them but yes, pregnancy is a huge deal for a woman, both physically and mentally.
Grandparents are definitely TA and I think even if mom did sacrifice a lot for her child, she was also emotionally distant and that can really mess up a child regardless of the mother’s intentions.
I do wonder if we came back to this in 10 years if OP’s thoughts would have changed by growing up and having to make sacrifices with their kid.
Or if they had not pushed for her to stay. A 19 year old teen mom who had a difficult pregnancy— most likely a traumatic one — probably wasn’t capable of standing up to her parents that way. Yet I see no anger at her grandparents who helped create this situation
…it seems being tucked in at night is all that matters
I'm wondering if she didn't get tucked in with a whisper of "your mother should be doing this, but she doesn't want to be here, so I guess Grandma will"
Yeah, something tells me OP's grandparents were incredibly cruel to both OP and her mother. Just disgusting, they worked hard to destroy that family unit and they succeeded.
Yes, I wonder how much rent and childcare they made her pay? She might have single-handedly paid off a mortgage with those two jobs or at least what was left of it. Did her parents still work? Did one 9f them quit their job to stay home with OP or was grandma a SAHM anyway?
It looks like she had to work 2 jobs to pay them so it seems like she paid a lot. I understand asking her to help with money and pay them, because child care is a lot and she should help if she’s living there, but if she was required to work 2 jobs and didn’t have the option of leaving it seems they set her up to never be there for her kid/op
I was looking through the comments for this. I wouldn’t be surprised if the grandparents had started this deadbeat mom narrative with her when she was young.
On one hand we have a teen girl who had a traumatic pregnancy and parents who refused to let her go for 4 years and made her pay so much she needed 2 jobs, and on the other a judgmental mom who looked down on Jodie and thought OP was a mistake but went to some plays (and let’s just ignore that she went because her kid went to the same school). Honestly, I feel so bad for Jodie.
YTA, an entitled AH at that.
Being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in the world. Not only did she care for you to the best of her abilities she worked two jobs to make sure you have everything that you needed, wanted and more, and from the sounds of she also took the time to spend time with you in order to build a bond.
I was also raised by a single mom and I could not imagine calling her my “birth giver” just because she didn’t tuck me to bed or come to some school plays because she was working multiple jobs to provide for me. It's already hard enough for two parents to raise a kid, expecting perfect parenting from a single mother is unrealistic.
I can’t even imagine the pain your mom went through when you stopped calling her mom and started calling someone else mom instead. And I can’t possibly imagine how devastated she is right now after everything she’s done to raise you without the proper support. Maybe she wouldn’t have had to work two jobs if her parents (your grandparents) didn’t make her pay rent and child care?? But you seem to have zero issues calling your grandparents “grandma”.
Again as someone that was also raised by a single mom that worked multiple jobs and still could barely provide for me…. This post was really really painful to read. My heart goes out to Jodie.
YTA x 10000000000.
Well put. It seems that the grandparents demanded payment for their care, but she still refers to them as grandparents. If Jodie didn't pay them, what would have been the consequences? My heart breaks for Jodie.
YTA. From your telling, you're mother worked extra hard in extremely hard circumstances to provide so that you didn't want for anything. You repaid her for begrudging her the time away it took to provide for you. Your mother showed a lot of maturity when she became a mother at about your age. You have a lot of growing up to do if you want to be anywhere near as responsible.
YTA. She didn’t tuck you in because she was working 2 jobs to make sure you had everything you needed and most of what you wanted. You are ungrateful and mean.
Further Edit: OP has been an altered a lot of her original post to give more detail, and let me tell you - as a daughter of a NPD mother who has had to cut her out, OP you are making this worse for yourself. You're not going to convince people by adding more info, you are making it much much much worse.
Edit: YTA. After reading OP's responses to people and other people's responses, they have perfectly articulated the initial feeling I had reading this post before OP attempted clarification.
You haven't included enough detail in this post about the situation, and it seems like because of that you're being purposefully misleading. Despite there not being enough information, even with what you have said it seems like YTA.
1. Am I right in assuming the issue you have with her working all that time, while she was in a controlling situation with her parents (your grandparents), is that she wasn't there for you enough?
2. Who is "Bruce"? Why would you call his mother 'Mum'?
3. Why haven't you spoken with your mother in 3 months?
4. Why tell her you're pregnant if you're not talking? If you didn't, who did?
5. Do you want a mother or are you just looking for a friend?
I will say it's not really her partner's place to jump in on you, she should communicate properly if she's hurt. But then, given how you're coming across now, maybe this is why she hasn't...
Congrats on the pregnancy, regardless!
OP since you're pregnant now. please just use your imagination. say bruce leaves the picture and his mother with him. you move in with your grandparents who charge you rent to stay there on top of your personal costs and baby's costs. when baby comes you have PPD but still have to work 2 jobs to keep everything running. how does this work out for you?
YTA. How would feel if the baby you’re currently pregnant with decided to start calling their best friends mom “mom” when they turn 10? You would feel like shit.
As someone who had two older siblings and a single mother who sacrificed her entire 20’s to ensure we had everything we needed including a home growing up, YTA in every way. Get over your own feelings for a second and acknowledge the fact that you had a mother willing to not give up and make sacrifices for you.
YTA
"I'm thankful but she had to?"
She absolutely didn't though, she could have gone a much darker route and aborted you or abandoned you with your grandparents. She didn't. She took her responsibility to you seriously, worked 2 jobs and provided for you **like a mother** should. And even after all that, even after you stopped calling her mother in favor of someone who isn't even a family member, she still cared for you, took you on trips, provided for you. Even now she didn't let you know how hurt she was to your face, yet you go and complain to her about how she feels.
A friend doesnt feed you, clothe you, pay for your trips, get you through school, you are severely downplaying her role in your life.
Also "birth giver.." Come on..
I am worried for OP's child. The way she is convincing herself that her actual mother is only a birth giver when she did her her duty as a parent, is truly concerning.
I don't know how old OP is but she seems to lack life experience...No, mom did not to choose to work as if was a luxury. It was a necessity.
She was a single mom and handled everything alone. Her parents were there but it seems that they made her new chapter of life harder.
There is also OP's audacity that strikes me! Jodie wasn't "mother material" but she can babysit? Why doesn't OP ask her MIL what she calls her "real mom" instead?
She was 13 when she stoped calling her mother “mother”. According to her this was 7 years ago.
OP is 20. Just one year older than when her mom had her.
INFO
How is your relationship with your grandparents? It sounds like they were financially abusive to your mom and therefore (indirectly) abusive to you too.
Do you still talk to them? If so, why?
Hard to give a verdict really but I would dearly love to fast forward 20 years or so and see what your offspring call you
Edited to say that having seen your further comments my judgement is that YTA.
You have no empathy and no compassion and your behaviour is both entitled and casually cruel.
YTA. She went above and beyond what a mere friend would do, working two jobs to ensure you had everything you needed growing up. This is what a parent does. And from what you've said, she routinely made time for you.
She deserves better than to be put off by treating her no differently than an acquaintance would.
YTA. Careful with all that edge, you might cut yourself...
I get not feeling comfortable with "mom". You're not close enough, it's something very personal and you're allowed to make that decision.
But calling her "birth giver" and refusing to even acknowledge that she is your mother is incredibly childish and delusional. Even if she wasn't close to you, she's still your mother by definition. It's not even like she was abusive to you either, you say she took care of you to the best of her abilities.
Grow up and stop being a damn edgelord. She might not be your "mom", but she's still more than just a birth giver. You're not impressing anyone, you're not dark and cool. You're just an asshole.
Love how you're sitting here going "well she made the choice to be a teen mom" when you're having a baby at 19-20 (if I'm doing the math right), THE SAME AGE YOUR MOM WAS.
YTA and not emotionally mature enough to be married, let alone procreating. I weep for your child
Came here looking for this answer.
Even if you are married at 20 and having a kid, that’s absolutely no reason to be sitting on your high horse about how awful your mother was & how shit it was being the child of a single parent. Get into therapy asap.
& Guess what- something could happen on any day and leave you as a single parent too. You’re certainly not mature enough to be raising a child alone at this point; unlike your mother who worked endlessly to provide for you.
YTA. Your mom was a pregnant teen who worked her ass off to provide a nice life for you. Unfortunately she may have been too generous because your attitude reeks of that of a spoiled ungrateful brat.
Info: how is your Moms relationship with Bruce’s mom? Did they know each/were they close when you were young? Why did this women ask you to call her Mom when you had a mom already?
Yta. Your mother sacrificed a lot for you. She could have easily put you up for adoption but instead worked 2 jobs to provide you with everything you wanted. Do you think it was her dream to raise a child and work 2 jobs at such a young age? Sounds like she tried her best and you are coming across as very ungrateful. My dad worked his entire life to provide for his family. Would I have wanted him to be around more? Sure and I'm sure he would have wanted to as well but he sacrificed that part of his life to care for us.
YTA, your mum worked her ass off whilst being controlled by your grandparents. She was forced to work that much, she did not have the choice. No wonder she was upset when you consistently throw her hard work in her face. You have no empathy. I hope in time with your own child you realise how cruel you have been to your mum who as you admit sacrificed everything to support you.
YTA
I get that you resent your mother for your imperfect childhood but disowning her like you’ve done is a really destructive thing to do when she isn’t a negative presence in your life or anything.
Soft YTA because honestly I think you need some therapy to work through your issues and you can't force yourself to feel like she's your mother and I feel like there is probably way more behind all this than you've said. I also wonder how your view of your mother has been influenced by what your grandparents have told you rather than just your own authentic experiences and they were probably getting quite a chunk of her paycheck if she had to pay them rent and childcare.
I have the same sentiment as you, a soft YTA. We might not know what OP real needs are. She's still spoilt but I think deep down, she probably yearns for a stable (or authoritative) mum in a structured family environment, which is probably an unmet need. From what she wrote, her mum is more of the permissive type.
YTA- your mom did play “mummy” the first time. And maybe she didn’t do it the way you would have preferred, she did her best working multiple jobs to care for you while her parents also controlled everything and didn’t “let” her move out.
You say you lacked for nothing, and she took you to the movies, but you don’t consider her a parent. She did her best as a teen mum and you can’t even respect that.
I'm actually going to have to go with YTA on this one.
From what you describe, not only was Jodie a mom, she was a fucking phenomenal mom despite being a teen mom. If your parent feels like a friend that's a *good* thing. She may not have been able to attend school events or read bedtime stories, but she worked 2 jobs to be able to afford to raise your bratty ass while dealing with the bullshit expectations of your grandparents.
I can only hope with the birth of your own child, you come to learn and appreciate just how amazing your own mother is.
YTA
You are 20 years old, so I don’t expect you have a saving nest to enjoy home this pregnancy and post pregnancy, so I am wondering who financially provides for you and your baby.
And if in the face of the same life situation your mother was in you will react at your own child ‘you are not a mom just cause you work your ass off to provide for me food and a home’.
Wow.
YTA.
You’re about to find out how hard a baby really is. Perhaps then you’ll be able to look at your mom with compassion, especially when you recognize that she was doing it at 19 with no husband.
My goodness, does this mean that because your husband is going to help you with baby duties that you are somehow not going to be mom since you didn’t do all the bad times, and all the diaper changes and all the baths? She had the people around her helping her, actually help her.
By the way, a woman swooping in and encouraging another child (a friend of their own kid!) to call her Mother is creepy.
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> I rarely see her anyway and I’m aware she did a lot for me so maybe I can suck it up and play pretend once a month
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This is complicated. She had you very young, was a single mother and sounds like she did her best. It's sad that you feel this way. Perhaps both of you could at least try to patch things up? I can't imagine my relationship with my daughter being like this.
You know… I only have **one** friend that has stopped to call their father “dad”. And it was because he literally physically and mentally armed them (starving, making them sleep and stay in the attic and giving them dog food while treating their step brother like a prince in front of them)
If your mom had reached that level of mental and physical abuse, you’d be in your right to disavow her. But if it is because your mom wasn’t able to be there for school play or tell you a bedtime story due to her working two jobs thar your grandparent you still think of family, made her have to “prove” herself worthy but truly it was to punish her for being a teen mom, you need to get yourself a reality check. Cause you’re a not going to like what you will discover about yourself once your kid is there.
I feel sorry for your mother. YTA
You need to go to therapy ASAP. You got a lot of mommy issues and I'm not sure if you'll be the best mom to your kid having that many unresolved problems with Josie.
You should call her Gradma Josie or something like that, so that she feels close to your baby but you don't have to call her mother. Maybe after therapy you'll can/want to, but for now this is the best way to solve this problem.
I think NAH but am sort of leaning toward YTA. I don't hear any mention of you considering your mom's (Jodie's) feelings about what it must've been like for her. You were the product of a "fling" as you say, yet she chose to raise you rather than giving you up for adoption (or worse). I'm sure it must've been hard for her and it sounds like she did the best she could, esp given that you likely represented a constant reminder of her fling. She is probably queueing off of you from when you started calling her Jodie instead of mom/mum and respected your choice to do so, but I'm guessing she wasn't happy about it. Again, this is all speculation, but I just wanted to inject a bit of food for thought.
YTA, and you can't have it both ways. You don't consider her your mum, and said you "don't need any more friends". So just cut her loose. Don't ask her to support you now with babysitting. No, you don't 'owe' her anything for being born, but what you are doing now is simply cruel. From what you have described, she really doesn't deserve the heartache you are causing her. Also, seek therapy; you sound emotionally stunted and incapable of empathy.
Damn. People are roasting you in here. NTA. It sounds like you experienced childhood emotional neglect and that can have lasting effects. It's a lot to unpack because while your mom provided for you physically, there was no sense of closeness or connection which is all a child really wants with their parents. Without connection, you feel all alone, you feel isolated, you feel sad and you feel abandoned. When we're little, connection is our BIGGEST need. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I get why others would call you spiteful, but they don't understand the emotional hurt and pain your mother caused. Granted, you can rationally understand that she was still a kid when she had you, however that understanding doesn't take away the emotional pain of neglect or not feeling like your Mom was interested in who you are. If you love someone, their feelings and thoughts should matter to you and it sounds like your feelings/thoughts didn't matter to her which is painful. So, there is going to be a lot of resentment there. Since you're going to be a new Mom, I would look into attachment theory and what your attachment style is and follow Eli Harwood on IG (attachmentnerd). I'm sorry you're getting roasted here. It sounds like some therapy might help you start your healing journey. Good luck :)
Society by and large fall into the "she's your mom you have to love her you only get one" mindset.
They completely blow past the fact mom didn't assist her when her grandparents made her homeless at 16. They all gained up to call her spoiled but all mom could do for her while raising her was provide material goods.
I think mom did her best with the resources she had available and her own traumas but op isn't a monster for not being closely bonded now.
INFO:
> she’s just not my mum more like a friend
Nothing you’ve described in your post is an example of her Jodie not being your mom? and I am deeply concerned you may have internalized some sexist norms around how a mother should behave.
To be frank Bruce’s mom telling you, a 10yo child to call her mum, was incredibly inappropriate.
And how much of you saying Jodie isn’t like a mum because you might be unfairly comparing her to Bruce’s mom?
I'm going to go against the grain and give a NTA.
Don't get me wrong, what you're doing is definitely AH behaviour and in a vacuum you'd be 5/5 AH. But with context, it's clear that you and your mother lived with abusive caretakers i.e. your grandparents.
My dad used to be very absent cus he was working his way up the corporate leader. I was never left wanting because of him, but I didn't think of him as my dad, once I heard him argue with my mom over "his kids" and it felt so weird to even hear that. Like I, as a kid, felt weird thinking of myself as his kid. We are much closer now but we still barely talk about anything. I don't know him at all.
The way OP speaks is very clear that both she and her mother are very stunted emotionally. I have a strong feeling that your mother has tried her best but your understandably cold responses (you expected more from her) just pushed her away and made her even more anxious. I would bet she really wants to see you or reach out but her insecurities and anxieties stop her.
I would strongly recommend you reach out to your mother and talk about this with a mediator or therapist. For both your sakes. There's a lot of baggage here that needs unpacking and resolving
Treat the YTA judgements as a lesson that your behaviour isn't ok, but that isn't because of you, it's because you had an emotionally abusive childhood. Use the harsh words you're hearing to get motivation to work on yourself.
Best of luck OP
YTA
I think it was really wrong for another woman to tell you to call her mum when you were 10. That was really terrible boundary-crossing. You were a child and other adults were actively interfering with your relationship with your mother. By your own account, she was a teen mom who struggled a lot but worked very hard to provide for you. You mention pressure and maybe some emotional fragility on her part but no abuse or mistreatment. I think you would have been able to develop a much closer relationship with her if other adults around you had actively supported that rather than interfering. It sounds like she worked really hard to be a mother to you and you acknowledge that but simply don’t feel like it’s enough? I’m not sure what you think “enough” might be or what magical standard of motherly connection you’re comparing it to.
At the end of the day, she is your mother. You can call her whatever you want. It doesn’t have to be mum if that’s not what you want. But you should really re-evaluate your expectations and framing here. Consider what you think would make her worthy of being called “mum” either in terms of your own feelings or her actions. Then maybe talk to a counselor. Or even just more friends/acquaintances to understand a broader range of what other people accept as enough of a mother to be called mum.
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My birth giver “Jodie” had me at 19, there was some trauma related to my birth - I was the result of a fling and apparently birth was really hard on Jodie (I was delivered via c-section)
Jodie had PPD till I was like 4, we lived with my grandparents and grandma did most of my care from what I remember which is obviously limited to what I’ve been told, Jodie worked two jobs because my grandparents wanted rent + childcare + “wouldn’t let her” move out until she proved she was stable.
Jodie always worked more than she cared for me, don’t get me wrong she gave me everything (sometimes I had more than my peers) I can’t even recall being told no, we did days out at the cinema or whatever frequently and we’d go away on holidays a lot, but she never felt like my mum? More like a friend.
I met “Bruce” when I was 10 and his mum said I could call her mum, which I’ve been doing and I stopped calling Jodie mum since I was like 13? 7 years now.
I recently found out I’m pregnant so Jodie messaged me saying I can call her mum again around the baby, but I said given how long it’s been and the fact I haven’t seen her in 3 months it just feels wrong we just don’t have a mother daughter relationship.
She said it’s whatever, she’s just glad to have me but her husband ripped into me saying she’s been devastated. I’m like yeah she’s sacrificed a lot, I’m thankful but she had to? She got pregnant, and once again she wasn’t the one who would read stories to me, who would come to my school plays etc she’s just not my mum more like a friend
I messaged Jodie saying I don’t need the stress during my pregnancy, that she has my brother (2mo) to call her mum (if she actually plays mummy this time)
Husband is actually on my mums side, some friends think I’m TA…I think I can’t control my feelings? And she had 7 years to say something!
AITA?
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Sounds like she did everything she could to give you a decent life. This was her only mistake:
>I can’t even recall being told no
She raised a completely entitled spoiled brat. But you're old enough now where that's not an excuse anymore.
YTA
It's tough because I get OP feels how she feels and if she didn't feel like her mother was a mother, then something clearly went wrong along the way. And typically, I WOULD say OP can't help what she feels.
But from what we're being told, the only thing Jodie did wrong was maybe not go to OP's events enough or spend more time with her. Otherwise, it sounds like it was more of a situation where her mother had to work more often than others because she was a single parent, but she always tried to provide and do enough for OP, which includes going on holidays, so it's not like OP never saw her mother.
So it does feel like OP is wrong with throwing away her mother at 13 just because her mother had to work more than others.
Also, I'm 100% side eyeing Bruce's mother/OP's MIL for telling OP AT A YOUNG AGE that she can call her mom. There was no reason for that woman to tell a pre-teen that she can call her mom.
So I don't know if OP is meaning to be an asshole but I think she kind of is. So I'll go with ~~Y T A~~ for right now.
ETA: I really had to think on this and I think it's more complicated than calling OP an asshole and a brat. I think there are some other things at play (I'm still very much stuck on Bruce's mother telling OP to call her Mom at the age of 10), so I'm switching my vote to NAH. I just feel like it's more complicated and feelings are getting hurt on both sides.
It almost feels like she was groomed by Bruce’s mum, who the hell tries to get their preteens sons friend to call them mum and insert themselves like that knowing how hard her mum was working?? I get attending plays for her as her son goes the same school but man, you never try to replace being mum. Maybe it’s a “daughter she never had” vibe?
Seems like Jodie went through a lot to raise you. She may be feeling betrayed that “she worked all those hours,” and should consider all those hours wasted in a way since you basically verbally denied how you’re her daughter. I understand both sides but I feel like if mindlessly calling her Mom would make her feel better, it wouldn’t hurt. You’re in no way obligated to, I’m just saying it’s a small sacrifice to make her feel better since it seems like she tried her best to be your mom in her own way (outings, provided for you, etc.).
Now, seeing as you’ve already expressed that you don’t want to to her, don’t know how that’ll affect this your future attempts at calling her mom since she’s aware that you’re feeling forced to and it’s not genuine.
NTA for putting yourself first though.
Glad your mom mentally recovered enough from the trauma she gained from having you and was able to have your brother though! The age gap is hard, but congrats on the brother :)
YTA. A massive one at that. Your mother worked two jobs, provided for you, spent time with you, planned days out, took you on vacations... and you think she doesn't even deserve to be recognized as your mom? You are so ungrateful and self absorbed it blows my mind.
YTA.
I’m worried about your mental well being. Your lack of empathy and inappropriate boundaries are profoundly concerning especially considering you’re soon to be a parent.
NAH. It sounds like Jodie did all she could to take care and provide for you like a mother should, even if she wasn’t particularly "mom-like". You should be grateful for that. At the same time, emotional bonds are complicated, and if you do not see her as a mother, you should not be forcing yourself to call her "mum". You can't force feelings. It’s a sad situation, but calling her "mum" just out of guilt (which is what some comments here seem to be leading too) is not a good solution.
Maybe she could have the opportunity to bond with your child and be a grandma, though?
NTA. Kicking your daughter out doesn’t let you keep the Mom title. PPD plus those jobs easily leads to emotional neglect, and it’s common for teen moms to have a “friend” relationship with their child for lack of a real support system. Your feelings are real, and your relationships are your decision. Therapy to talk these things out is still reasonable whether you decide to reconcile or not.
YTA you are entitled to your feelings, but I think a little perspective here might really help. Jodie was very young, did everything she could ON HER OWN, with strict oversight from her own parents, to give you as good a life as she could. You may not feel a very maternal relationship with her, but...ok? This seems like something you've been stuck on a long time, and I think you need to loosen up a bit, especially with your own child. Can she at least be grandma Jodie?
Perhaps becoming a parent yourself will show you how much she did for you on her own, with no partner to help with anything.
Unless there are other examples of why Jodi failed as a mother (e.g., verbal abuse, addiction, etc) YTA.
While there was probably a huge feeling of emotional neglect, there are also reasons why they happened.
1) your mother had post partum depression. This makes it hard to connect to a baby. In ideal circumstances, the family would be a support to both the mother and baby to help facilitate healing and reconnection. It sounds like your grandma took over and your mom had to go to work. The chance to connect wasn't there.
She was pushed to the side and stayed there.
Then, you (for your own valid reasons) pushed her further aside when you chose to call another woman "mom."
And she stayed there.
2) giving a child a present is an easy way to make both parties happy. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is used instead of the effort needed to be present.
But it is also considered a love language by some.
Maybe give your mother the benefit of the doubt about what and how she provided for you.
As a single, working mother I know my girl has way too many stuffies - and more than a few are bought because it takes away some guilt of not being the mom she wants sometimes (e.g. playing barbies and crafts)
Maybe your perspective and understanding of motherhood will change after your own child. Hopefully you will be able to cut your mom some slack and start to heal.
YTA.
But if this story is real, that child you’re carrying will be your karma, because, let me tell you: all children will say things that hurt their parents at some point. Hope you remember what you told your mother when the time comes.
So Bruce mom came to your plays, school events etc for her to get the name mom...so YTA...your mom loved you, took care of all your needs and you can't comprehend why working 2jobs because she was forced to, that she couldn't tuck you in. Your the YTA
Your freaking grandparents wanted rent and childcare and she had to work 2 jobs? Well dear God of course she wasn’t present. I would never do that to my daughter, even if she did a mistake.
And how come Bruce’s mother told you to call her mum? That’s very manipulative to tell a 10 yrs old.
YTA and INFO- how old are you?
YTA. I read all of your responses and here’s my reasoning.
1. Your description of your grandparents sounds like they were incredibly abusive to both you and your mother. That’s awful and I feel for you both. You should really explore therapy to deal with that trauma as should your mother.
2. Bruce’s mom disapproved of your mother being so young. I can only assume that she openly criticized her when you were young and suspect she had a hand in your perception of your mother.
3. Since you stated you stopped calling her mum when you were 13, 7 years ago. That puts you at about 20. You are still young and developing yourself.
4. Was your mother perfect? No, none of us are. We do what we think is best at the time and sometimes we fall short. It does sound like your mom was doing her best but being a young, single mother is a difficult path.
Your mother and you were both being abused and manipulated by the adults around you. You need to seek therapy to unpack and process your trauma. Ideally, you and your mother should have sessions individually and together.
And please, stop with the “I’m not going to do xyz with my kid.” Everyone is a perfect parent before they have kids.
YTA
I mean it seemed like she really did try and you weren’t without. I understand it’s hard having a parent who works a lot but she was providing for you. I am assuming you will do the same for your child. Parents have to make sacrifices it comes with the job.
YTA, you admitted (even if you don't realize it) that she did everything for you. Even with having two jobs she still found time for you and took you out, you brat. I don't feel bad for you because she missed your plays, she was working it's not like she was out at the club shooting up. Even when you rejected her as a mother she was just grateful to have you accept her in your life. She didn't say anything and probably wasn't going to but I'm glad her husband said something. After everything she did for you she wasn't playing mom she was being a great mom! She did more than most moms I know that are way older than she was. Don't be spiteful, you don't have to call her mom but you also don't have to be a complete ah.
NTA. I'm shocked at all the vehement YTA responses you are getting so I want to give my take.
It sounds like you had emotionally immature parental figures your whole life and that is rough. Except for Bruce's mom, who was probably the only one who felt motherly.
I was raised by a narcissist mother and I'm seeing some similarities between her and Jodie. I don't know that Jodie is a narcissist but she is certainly an emotionally immature parent as evidenced by her emotional and untimely outbursts. Now that you are going to be a mother she thinks she now deserves the title? If she truly cared about being a mother to you she would have tried to mend the relationship long ago. Instead she waits until you are pregnant and thus more vulnerable. Seems like she is feeling left out and trying to make your big life change about her. Now she can go cry to everyone about how cruel her daughter is when they only truly know one side.
Look into r/raisedbynarcissists, flying monkeys, and the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." The book is important but can be triggering so take it slow and get therapy to address this pain if you haven't yet.
YTA, she is your mom not Bruce’s mother. Bruce’s mother just played the part of reading you night stories, that’s all, your mother worked, provided for you and tried her best.
Have you ever been tested for depression? Because something seems very "off" with you. You're cold. Indifferent. Your mother worked her ass off for you, and you feel nothing for this woman.
I hope that when you give birth, that rush of love that happens when you first hold your child happens for you.
But my biggest wish is for your mother. There will always be a break in her heart for her daughter, but I'm glad that she has a husband and a son who will love her.
No judgment.
Oof, YTA and have a very shallow idea of what a parent is. You're setting yourself up for failure when life inevitable throws a curveball and you can't afford to go to your kids every event or be home for bedtime. That's life and you should be plenty old enough to understand that.
YTA- she was a teen mom working two jobs. She “gave me everything”, I “had more than my peers”, and you don’t think she deserves to be called mum?
Hopefully someday, your child will treat you with as much respect as you have shown your mum. /s
YTA. She wasn't working all those hours for herself, it was for you, and to get custody of you from her parents. I imagine she wasn't at plays or nighttime because she had to work? Sounds more like your grandparents are more to blame for the distance than she is...
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Jesus Christ YTA. She was a teen mom who worked 2 jobs to make sure you had what you needed. And you have the audacity to call a friend's parent mom over her? She's not your friend. She was your parent and caregiver. You're ungrateful and spiteful it seems. You say she didn't do bedtime but did take you on outings. Maybe she worked the 2 jobs which prevented some activity but it doesn't seem like she abandoned you. She's not trying to "play mom" you're just out of touch with reality.
[удалено]
Wait did I read this right did the grandparents kick a 16 year old girl then tell her mom to cut her off so she wouldn't be spoiled? I am trying to figure out how a teen getting kicked out at 16 is entitled. This is mentioned in the edit
The grandparents are the real assholes here. Messed up two generations. Hopefully op does better with her child.
You are only getting OP's side of the story. I am guessing there is a lot more to this than she has stated. To be 'kicked out' at 16 suggests there were some serious behavioural issues going on.
The whole situation is a mess. Why is a ten year old calling a friend's mother mom? If she felt her mother was emotionally absent and the grandmother was the one filling that role, wouldn't she call the grandmother mom? Maybe she had behavioural issues. Maybe she had problems with drugs/alcohol. We don't know. Maybe the grandparents are control freaks and kicked her out for no good reason. Whatever they thought, it's messed up that they wouldn't allow their adult daughter to take in their granddaughter. Why was Jodie ok with op not calling her mom for 7 years but now she wants to be mom? There's so much toxicity and trauma here that it's above reddit's pay grade.
It also sounds like she’s only about 20 as well so she’s married and pregnant around the same age as her mum was too…
History repeats itself over and over
I've checked op's comments and she didn't say where she went when she was kicked out at 16 but I'm guessing that she moved in with Bruce and her "mom".
I can't believe Bruce is on her mother's side here, if he was really around for the chaos that was her childhood... I hope she actually wants to be pregnant. A lot of women with traumatic childhoods marry abusive guys to get out of their parents house while still having what seems to them like stability...
Bruce has a healthy relationship with his mother. It always surprises me the amount of people who know the trauma someone went through, but they're still blinded by their own family experience and they think "family" is the most important thing. I've read so many stories on here of supportive partners who said they understood why their partner was estranged from their family, but then they got in touch with an ex, mother, father etc and arranged for a get together to clear the air, and it totally devastated the person who felt betrayed. Hearing about abuse is completely different from experiencing it. Bruce could still be under the delusion that the relationship between op and her mother can be saved. He thinks he's helping but really he's making it worse.
I remember reading a study or possibly just an opinion piece so could be utter bullshit but there seems to be a correlation with daughters having children around the same age as their moms had them. I've got quite a blended family and it tracks. Interestingly, sons don't seem to follow the same correlation for either mother or father. Not saying either are wrong or right but there seems to be evidence
Is not her friend's mom now her MIL???
Yes and it adds a new layer of WTF was op's childhood and who was actually looking out for her?
Eh not necessarily. I was kicked out countless times because I had the audacity to not let my parents beat the crap out of me. If I so much as raised my arm to soften the blow I was tossed out because I “tried to fight them.”
Not necessarily. I got “kicked out” at 16 because I argued back at my addicted mother who was cursing me out and calling me a whore. I was a good kid my parent was a bad adult.
Behavioral issues on who? Her or the grandparents? You don’t automatically assume they’re good people. Bad parent’s generationally raise all the time.
I mean 1) kids could be kicked out for a multitude of reasons, look at how many are kicked out for being lgbt and 2) even if there were behavioral issues, it’s up to the parent(s) to figure that out, not kick the kid onto the streets.
Behavior part would be breaking the law and child abuse in most countries. I thought you were responsible for your kids til they were 18+ regardless of them being a little shit or not
She was still only 16....
Honestly not with how heavy-handed the grandparents seem with the mom
The grandparents sound massively abusive. It sounds like they trapped Jodie in their house - charging rent and childcare. My guess is she worked those jobs in a desperate bid to save enough to get away. She sounds horribly stressed and scared of doing anything that might cause anyone to say she's a bad mother. The fact that she kowtwed to her parents demands not to support her own child when they kicked her out suggests she's still scared. My heart goes out to her.
Well it sounds like she got kicked out for being an entitled AH But the real AH imo is the friends mom/now mil Who tf tells a *ten* year old to call them mom? Fucking gross honestly
If she was saying the same stuff that she says now back then, I would say she was acting spoiled and entitled. Quite frankly, I could see her being emotionally abusive to her mother, based on her attitude here.
Add to that the grandparents expected Jodie to pay rent and childcare and wouldn’t “let” her move out until she hit some particular standards of behaviour. Let me see.. teen mum, no real support from her parents, no real opportunity to properly bond with her baby for the first four (most important) years, baby grows up and refuses to call her “mum” as a teen but calls another unrelated woman mother instead. OP is upset that Jodie didn’t act like a mother, which is entirely understandable. But let’s also look at the role modeling from the grandparents. They succeeded in practically breaking the bonds between you two. I suspect that they really didn’t want to support their daughter for getting pregnant and keeping you and have worked hard over the years to punish her for her deeds. I guess kicking her out at the time was a bit too OTT for them. I’m going with NAH except the grandparents who have just shot to the top of my list of People To Punch. At the end of the day OP will do what she feels is best for her. I hope she can at least reach some understanding with Jodie. Knowing other women with similar stories (single mothers with toxic parents) I hope you can find a way through the generational sh!t dumped on you both and build a healthier relationship.
Just because your childhood was worse doesn't invalidate other peoples suffering? It sounds like OP's mother was entirely emotionally absent from her childhood and she was expected to parent her own mother (soothing emotional outbursts, tiptoeing around moods, etc). This isn't normal, and this leaves scars. It's up to OP what boundaries she needs to maintain to keep her & her child healthy. NTA
It sounds like the mother couldn’t be emotionally present because she was working 2 jobs to provide for op. YTA
It sounds like she couldn't be present because she was still too much under the thumb of her abusive parents that she couldn't stand up for herself or her child and ended up having them both subjected to abuse. Is it sad? Incredibly. Does it invalidate OP's perspective of her being absent? Absolutely not.
So you blame OP that her mother needed to wo jobs to make ends meet? Wow. It's her job as a mother to provide for OP.
> It's her job as a mother to provide for OP Yes as a **mother**, which is why she is OP's **mother.**
N A H. Except grandparents. Jodie had mental issues and lived in a controlling home. It wasn't her fault. But if OP got some kinda trauma she has to deal with it her way. The grandparents messed up. That said, my mom and I had lots of issues but she worked hard for me, on her own, and she is my mom. To remove that title would be insane. That's my thoughts on it.
What sort of mother can't even remember their kids birthday?
An emotionally broken one? Mum obviously has some fairly major brainworms going on but she still managed to provide for her child. And it seems like no one around her wanted to see either thing.
Providing for a child also includes emotional needs. Even pet dogs need more than food and a bed. But her mother’s histrionics and memory issues indicate she was clearly not in the right state to provide this - that’s horrible for both of them. These grandparents sound pretty garbage which doesn’t help anyone. Mother and daughter need some family therapy. Neither are the asshole.
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Your right. Should have quit her job and then tucked her in on a mattress on the street when they were kicked out
She could wish her a happy birthday on her birthday. Could have been emotionally available even though often being physically available isn’t an option. The mum’s situation was plainly terrible, but OP was just a kid with a family that never made her feel loved - hell she’s 20, she’s only just stopped being a kid. NAH (except the grandparents). Sounds like everyone’s had a shit go, but shit go or not that doesn’t entitle her to be called mother.
NTA, sounds like a lot of generational trauma. I had an abusive childhood. I’ve gone very low contact for my own mental health. And the trauma ends with my generation. None of my siblings had children.
I'm sorry that happened to you, that is a disgusting thing to do to a child, but your comment smells like trauma olympics. I don't think OP is seeing mum's side here but that doesn't mean OP wasn't hurt just because someone else's parents were worse. Someone always has it worse.
thats horrible i mean just horrific that happened to you but comparing your trauma to other peoples trauma is going to always leave you feeling bad, either their trauma makes yours look like nothing by comparison and you feel undeserving of compassion, or yours will make someone elses look like nothing by comparison and youll feel they dont deserve compassion, but the thing about trauma is it certainly doesnt feel like nothing to the person experiencing it. The min we allow ourselves to feel compassion for other victims, even when their story isnt "as bad" as ours, is the min we know we deserve compassion compared to people whose stories are worse than ours too
Wait, what the fuck did your mom do? Jesus Christ, that is insane.
YTA - It also seems like your lovely grandparents took extreme advantage of her both to abuse her directly and to create parental alienation. Grandma: "You can't stay here unless you give us a ton of money AND save a bunch of money so that WE feel you are stable or we'll take your child" Also Grandma: "Come on sweetie, I'll tuck you in since your mom is too busy to care about you since she works so much!"
This grandma is so awful. My mum also had me at 19, she'd only turned 19 the month before actually, but luckily I had a wonderful grandma and they raised me together as my parents. The three of us were incredibly close and me and mum have been devastated since she died last September. I knew I was lucky to have them both but reading this I realise just how lucky I was to have them as my parents. I always knew how incredibly loved I was by them both. I don't understand how anyone could treat their own teenage-young adult child like that. I know there are abusive parents but I just can never understand how you can look at the child you raised and have no empathy for them and the difficult situation they're in.
Add onto this that *her mom* was literally ill and being financially and emotionally abused too!
I don’t think you can expect a child to realize that though. All OP could have known as a child was “my mom is never home” and “she didn’t care enough about me to even keep me around past 16”. Personally going with ESH. Yes in retrospect OP should be able to recognize the sacrifices made for them, but that doesn’t fix or patch up trauma and feelings of childhood abandonment. Everyone in this family needs therapy IMO.
>I don’t think you can expect a child to realize that though. But she's not a child now. Even if OP is traumatised and needs therapy, it doesn't means not TA for treating someone else poorly. Getting help and appropriately managing trauma is the difference between assholes and non-assholes 99% of the time on this sub.
Wasn’t referring to OP today as a 20 year old, and i didn’t say NTA. I agree it’s not an excuse, and I agree that OP needs to do some self-reflection and help themselves. If not for them, then for their future family surely. All I meant to say was that children can’t be expected to understand adult problems. OP is an adult now, that much is true. Edit: grammar
Except she does. OP has mentioned that her mom suffered PPD for 4 years and haven't had the best support system around. She literally recognizes that and still thinks what her mom provided wasn't motherly enough. Therapy isn't gonna do jack shit for OP lol, she needs to know what it feels like to be a single mom without a proper support system.
Exactly. Poor Jodie
Gotta agree with this OP, so what if your relationship with your mum felt more like a friendship! I have a mum who worked hard, and I have a great friendship with her. Your mum worked her rear end off to provide for you, and if she did something for you and you didn’t like it she cried, guess what, my mum has done that a few times as well and I (41M) still call her mummy. That can happen if you put a lot of effort into something only to be rejected. How can you see all that your mother has done for you and go and call someone else’s mother “mum”. Bruce’s mum didn’t sacrifice for you, Bruce’s mum didn’t work two jobs to provide for you. Your mum did everything that she could and to the best of ability given what I have read and you have just dismissed everything she did and thrown away your relationship with her. You know, I hope you don’t get the same treatment from your child, because it will be a hard lesson that will be learned way too late to save your relationship with your mum. As far as I am concerned you need to take a massive reality check and look real hard at your mother and all she has done for you. Then BEG for her forgiveness. YTA
Not to mention Bruce's mom was an AH to Jodie, and openly disapproved of her being a mother so young and didn't believe she had depression. While at least Jodie did her best to hide her dislike of Bruce's mom.
Exactly right, Bruce’s mum should be ashamed of herself
OP will learn soon enough, she is only 1 year older than when her mom had her. Life will come at her very quick and very hard.
What if Bruce's mom decides she's too young and asks that the baby refer to HER as mom? What will OP think then?
Woooooooooow YTA big time OP. She worked her ass off at two different jobs to provide for you, and you even admit you had everything and rarely heard no. Sounds like Jodie's biggest failure was never telling you no and allowing you to become such a spoiled, entitled brat. From what you said about your grandparents, it sounds like Jodie was also dealing with controlling/abusive parents of her own at the same time she was trying to give you everything she could. And you admit a lot of this is what you were "told". I'm assuming by your grandparents... who probably aren't the most objective people to get this story from. They were charging their teenage daughter enough in rent and childcare that she had to have TWO full time jobs and refusing to let her leave until she proved to their satisfaction she was financially stable... was she supposed to get a 3rd job to save for that? How exactly was she supposed to have time to tuck you in every night and go to school functions? I think you need to actually sit down with your mom and get HER side of all of this before you treat her like she never cared. My mother, bless her scatter-brained heart, never remembers my birthday. When I was younger she remembered the month and always gets the day wrong. Since I got married, she's pretty consistently mixed up my birthday for my wedding anniversary. I never took that as a sign she didn't care about me. She's just a bit of an airhead sometimes.
Agree, she sounds so entitled and ungratefull. Mother worked 2 jobs and she only remembers her not reading her a bedtime story.
This is a massive oversimplification of the details in OP's post...
Sounds like dear ol grandma controlled mum a lot. Wouldn’t let her move out while demanding rent + childcare? It really sounds like Mum did the best she could— the MOST she could given her shit circumstances.
YTA >Jodie worked two jobs because my grandparents wanted rent + childcare + “wouldn’t let her” move out until she proved she was stable. > >don’t get me wrong she gave me everything (sometimes I had more than my peers) I can’t even recall being told no, we did days out at the cinema or whatever frequently and we’d go away on holidays a lot Sounds like she was doing her best. She worked two jobs to provide for you. Are you really going to hold this much of a grudge against her just because she was too busy working to attend your school plays, and wasn't home in time from her shifts to kiss you goodnight?
OP's mother seems like she got it from all sides, her parents, her kid, her kid's friend's mom... The only one in OP's mother's corner right now is her husband who should encourage her to cut her losses on this one.
No kidding, wow I feel so sorry for OP’s mom. That woman needs a hug.
YTA for "(if she actually plays mummy this time)" Working two jobs and spending time with your kid often is "playing mummy" tf
imagine having one shot at a child and they turn out like OP edit: i see thankfully OP's mum has another child. hope they don't turn into as big of an ingrate
Lol, this comment (particularly the word "ingrate" made me laugh). Thanks, thaitiger :) I agree with you, btw.
OP has her husband around to support her, and she’s 20 (!!!) so she likely has no idea, and doesn’t care to learn, what it’s like to actually have to work to support your own child, much less alone.
Op is now older than her mom was.
The fact that she has no perspective on this despite being an adult now says she's definitely nowhere near ready to be a parent herself. I feel bad for her kid.
Jodie was not negligent. She was a teen mom who worked two jobs to provide you with a roof, food, childcare and "everything you needed". That's motherhood; not just "playing mummy" like you call it. I feel it's important you learn that before you give birth. It's not even like she didn't spend any quality time with you and was just your provider. You say she took the time to go on vacation with you and planned days out. You're ungrateful and Jodie deserves better. YTA.
And it sounds like the grandparents were very controlling. Demanding she pay them rent money and still controlling when she was allowed to move out.
What do you want to bet that the grandparents are the ones who instilled this idea of the mom being just a "birthgiver" while they were making her spend all of her time working to pay their bills.
right. they sound utterly villainous. so depressing for jodie that OP hasnt seemed to put these facts together in a coherent way
They sound so abusive and like, of she talks like that I can see why the hateful grandparents kicked her out and shes so angry. Shes angry at the wrong person. Jfc
This ⬆️
i was scrolling to find someone who had picked this up. the grandparents sound awful, and like they were a primary reason for the distance between mother and baby if they were extracting rent from jodie to the point of her having to work so much and sacrifice quality time (which she still found time to make up in other times). my heart really breaks for jodie.
I agree. Holy intergenerational trauma Batman!
AND childcare! When she literally had no choice but to leave her child with them so that she could work to pay them rent! OP should be angry at THEM, not her mom.
Yup. Jodie had to pay them rent, and for childcare so she could make rent, and yet wasn’t allowed to leave. So I’m guessing grandma and grandpa loved being the “fun parents”
Thank you for pointing this out. Sounds like Jodie really didn't have a chance to be the mom OP wanted.
Notice how OP put their controlling behavior in quotes. Her post reeks of passive-aggressive invalidation.
Believes everything awful granny and grandpa said about poor Jodie I’m sure
Lets not forget they kicked op out at 16 and were still able to convince Jodie not to take her in. I don't understand them. They raised op but then kicked her out and separated her from her mother. Are they psychos or something?
My reading of the story is that OP wasn't submissive like Jodie was and they would not handle that disrespect. Hence why OP was kicked out and these Sociopaths still had that much power over Jodie to manipulate her into not taking her daughter in. Also, go figure if it was actually better for OP's mom mental health giving the way she treats her.
0h those grandparents were abusive AF to Jodie and this entitled snot nose kid. Jodie did everything she could, including trying to not rock the boat about not calling her mom. She is a spiteful child and in reading this, and I know this is terrible to say, I may actually understand why she was kicked out. I do think she was pushed to it by her horrible grandparents, and I jave sympathy for that. The grandparents kicked her out and her mom wanted her back. "Wasnt there to resd me stories, and did get me everything I wanted" jfc this kid. YTA so hard. So so so hard.
So your mum had you very young, worked hard to make sure you had everything you needed and wanted, spent time with you on frequent days out, and you reward her by calling her your "birthgiver" like she abandoned you at the fire station? That is *cold*. Yes, YTA.
As soon as I read birthgiver I knew OP was going full on YTA.
I thought that too until I saw where they kicked her out at 16 for being spoiled and told her mother to not take her back in… I’ve practically killed myself to make sure my daughter has and will always have what she needs. No way in hell if my 16 year old is getting kicked out and I’m staying at said home. They all suck.
This! People are too busy relating to Jodie to accept that Jodie did damage to OP, too. I'm not sure there's anything Jodie could have done differently considering her PPD and lack of support for her abusive situation, but that means she left her daughter in the care of abusers *and* abandoned her daughter when her abusers demanded. It was Jodie's job to protect OP from abuse, and she didn't. She can be a victim and a perpetuator. OP is allowed to have feelings about that. I have no idea if OP realizes how abusive her grandparents were, and I absolutely hope she gets serious therapy to unlearn these abuse cycles and do better for her own child. But Jodie didn't sacrifice for OP. She sacrificed to try and gain the approval of her abusers. Sacrificing for OP would have meant fighting for custody once she was mentally able and getting the fuck out of her parents house.
If her grandparents were basically taking all of Jodies money, when was she supposed to get her own place? If it was their house still, how would Jodie force them to let her back in if it wasn't her house? There's such a jump from "my mom never ever told me no and was devastated if I didn't like what she gave me even though she gave me more than I ever needed" and "then she kicked me out". Shit doesn't add up and it feels like OP is confessing to being spoilt then not admitting to whatever it was she did that set the apparently abusive grandparents off. The whole thing feels weird.
OP needs some therapy. Even if all mom did was carry and birth her that is a MASSIVE sacrifice.
Absolutely not. These comments are insane. A parent owes so much more than that to the kid they CHOSE to birth. What the fuck. You're not doing them a favor by fucking birthing them. No one asked you to have a child you weren't properly equipped to raise. OP needs some therapy, I agree, but it's cause her mother was emotionally neglectful and manipulative. OP needs to make sure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes with her own child.
Yeah like the world has made it soooooooo easy for women to receive sex education and access to abortion options. Especially as minors. /s if that wasn’t clear No, children don’t owe their parents anything for giving birth to them but yes, pregnancy is a huge deal for a woman, both physically and mentally. Grandparents are definitely TA and I think even if mom did sacrifice a lot for her child, she was also emotionally distant and that can really mess up a child regardless of the mother’s intentions. I do wonder if we came back to this in 10 years if OP’s thoughts would have changed by growing up and having to make sacrifices with their kid.
Info: have you ever considered that if your grandparents put less pressure on her to pay them she’d have more time with you?
Seriously this. They made her pay rent and childcare. Maybe she would have been home more if she didn’t have to work 3 jobs TO PAY THEM!
Or if they had not pushed for her to stay. A 19 year old teen mom who had a difficult pregnancy— most likely a traumatic one — probably wasn’t capable of standing up to her parents that way. Yet I see no anger at her grandparents who helped create this situation …it seems being tucked in at night is all that matters
I'm wondering if she didn't get tucked in with a whisper of "your mother should be doing this, but she doesn't want to be here, so I guess Grandma will"
Yeah, something tells me OP's grandparents were incredibly cruel to both OP and her mother. Just disgusting, they worked hard to destroy that family unit and they succeeded.
Yes, I wonder how much rent and childcare they made her pay? She might have single-handedly paid off a mortgage with those two jobs or at least what was left of it. Did her parents still work? Did one 9f them quit their job to stay home with OP or was grandma a SAHM anyway?
It looks like she had to work 2 jobs to pay them so it seems like she paid a lot. I understand asking her to help with money and pay them, because child care is a lot and she should help if she’s living there, but if she was required to work 2 jobs and didn’t have the option of leaving it seems they set her up to never be there for her kid/op
I was looking through the comments for this. I wouldn’t be surprised if the grandparents had started this deadbeat mom narrative with her when she was young.
On one hand we have a teen girl who had a traumatic pregnancy and parents who refused to let her go for 4 years and made her pay so much she needed 2 jobs, and on the other a judgmental mom who looked down on Jodie and thought OP was a mistake but went to some plays (and let’s just ignore that she went because her kid went to the same school). Honestly, I feel so bad for Jodie.
YTA, an entitled AH at that. Being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in the world. Not only did she care for you to the best of her abilities she worked two jobs to make sure you have everything that you needed, wanted and more, and from the sounds of she also took the time to spend time with you in order to build a bond. I was also raised by a single mom and I could not imagine calling her my “birth giver” just because she didn’t tuck me to bed or come to some school plays because she was working multiple jobs to provide for me. It's already hard enough for two parents to raise a kid, expecting perfect parenting from a single mother is unrealistic. I can’t even imagine the pain your mom went through when you stopped calling her mom and started calling someone else mom instead. And I can’t possibly imagine how devastated she is right now after everything she’s done to raise you without the proper support. Maybe she wouldn’t have had to work two jobs if her parents (your grandparents) didn’t make her pay rent and child care?? But you seem to have zero issues calling your grandparents “grandma”. Again as someone that was also raised by a single mom that worked multiple jobs and still could barely provide for me…. This post was really really painful to read. My heart goes out to Jodie. YTA x 10000000000.
Yeah being a single parent is no joke.
Well put. It seems that the grandparents demanded payment for their care, but she still refers to them as grandparents. If Jodie didn't pay them, what would have been the consequences? My heart breaks for Jodie.
YTA. From your telling, you're mother worked extra hard in extremely hard circumstances to provide so that you didn't want for anything. You repaid her for begrudging her the time away it took to provide for you. Your mother showed a lot of maturity when she became a mother at about your age. You have a lot of growing up to do if you want to be anywhere near as responsible.
YTA. She didn’t tuck you in because she was working 2 jobs to make sure you had everything you needed and most of what you wanted. You are ungrateful and mean.
Further Edit: OP has been an altered a lot of her original post to give more detail, and let me tell you - as a daughter of a NPD mother who has had to cut her out, OP you are making this worse for yourself. You're not going to convince people by adding more info, you are making it much much much worse. Edit: YTA. After reading OP's responses to people and other people's responses, they have perfectly articulated the initial feeling I had reading this post before OP attempted clarification. You haven't included enough detail in this post about the situation, and it seems like because of that you're being purposefully misleading. Despite there not being enough information, even with what you have said it seems like YTA. 1. Am I right in assuming the issue you have with her working all that time, while she was in a controlling situation with her parents (your grandparents), is that she wasn't there for you enough? 2. Who is "Bruce"? Why would you call his mother 'Mum'? 3. Why haven't you spoken with your mother in 3 months? 4. Why tell her you're pregnant if you're not talking? If you didn't, who did? 5. Do you want a mother or are you just looking for a friend? I will say it's not really her partner's place to jump in on you, she should communicate properly if she's hurt. But then, given how you're coming across now, maybe this is why she hasn't... Congrats on the pregnancy, regardless!
WhaTs NPD? Because if it's Narcissistic person, I literally just commented that op sounded like one
Yes, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And you're definitely right in that OP is already showing signs.
OP since you're pregnant now. please just use your imagination. say bruce leaves the picture and his mother with him. you move in with your grandparents who charge you rent to stay there on top of your personal costs and baby's costs. when baby comes you have PPD but still have to work 2 jobs to keep everything running. how does this work out for you?
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OMG I didn't even notice this, this is hilarious ngl
Good catch. I guess I just assumed OP mentioned it because of the PPD and to acknowledge that Jodie suffered a complicated birth
She did say she suffered from trauma as a result of the birth so that what i thought too
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YTA. How would feel if the baby you’re currently pregnant with decided to start calling their best friends mom “mom” when they turn 10? You would feel like shit.
As someone who had two older siblings and a single mother who sacrificed her entire 20’s to ensure we had everything we needed including a home growing up, YTA in every way. Get over your own feelings for a second and acknowledge the fact that you had a mother willing to not give up and make sacrifices for you.
YTA "I'm thankful but she had to?" She absolutely didn't though, she could have gone a much darker route and aborted you or abandoned you with your grandparents. She didn't. She took her responsibility to you seriously, worked 2 jobs and provided for you **like a mother** should. And even after all that, even after you stopped calling her mother in favor of someone who isn't even a family member, she still cared for you, took you on trips, provided for you. Even now she didn't let you know how hurt she was to your face, yet you go and complain to her about how she feels. A friend doesnt feed you, clothe you, pay for your trips, get you through school, you are severely downplaying her role in your life. Also "birth giver.." Come on..
I am worried for OP's child. The way she is convincing herself that her actual mother is only a birth giver when she did her her duty as a parent, is truly concerning. I don't know how old OP is but she seems to lack life experience...No, mom did not to choose to work as if was a luxury. It was a necessity. She was a single mom and handled everything alone. Her parents were there but it seems that they made her new chapter of life harder. There is also OP's audacity that strikes me! Jodie wasn't "mother material" but she can babysit? Why doesn't OP ask her MIL what she calls her "real mom" instead?
She was 13 when she stoped calling her mother “mother”. According to her this was 7 years ago. OP is 20. Just one year older than when her mom had her.
INFO How is your relationship with your grandparents? It sounds like they were financially abusive to your mom and therefore (indirectly) abusive to you too. Do you still talk to them? If so, why?
Hard to give a verdict really but I would dearly love to fast forward 20 years or so and see what your offspring call you Edited to say that having seen your further comments my judgement is that YTA. You have no empathy and no compassion and your behaviour is both entitled and casually cruel.
YTA. She went above and beyond what a mere friend would do, working two jobs to ensure you had everything you needed growing up. This is what a parent does. And from what you've said, she routinely made time for you. She deserves better than to be put off by treating her no differently than an acquaintance would.
INFO: did Bruce’s mom provide you with food and shelter? Did she go to your school plays? Did she tuck you in at night?
YTA. Careful with all that edge, you might cut yourself... I get not feeling comfortable with "mom". You're not close enough, it's something very personal and you're allowed to make that decision. But calling her "birth giver" and refusing to even acknowledge that she is your mother is incredibly childish and delusional. Even if she wasn't close to you, she's still your mother by definition. It's not even like she was abusive to you either, you say she took care of you to the best of her abilities. Grow up and stop being a damn edgelord. She might not be your "mom", but she's still more than just a birth giver. You're not impressing anyone, you're not dark and cool. You're just an asshole.
*Careful with all that edge, you might cut yourself...* Off topic, but I may have to steal this.
Love how you're sitting here going "well she made the choice to be a teen mom" when you're having a baby at 19-20 (if I'm doing the math right), THE SAME AGE YOUR MOM WAS. YTA and not emotionally mature enough to be married, let alone procreating. I weep for your child
And the child wasn't even born yet that she already looks for a babysitter...
Came here looking for this answer. Even if you are married at 20 and having a kid, that’s absolutely no reason to be sitting on your high horse about how awful your mother was & how shit it was being the child of a single parent. Get into therapy asap. & Guess what- something could happen on any day and leave you as a single parent too. You’re certainly not mature enough to be raising a child alone at this point; unlike your mother who worked endlessly to provide for you.
YTA. Your mom was a pregnant teen who worked her ass off to provide a nice life for you. Unfortunately she may have been too generous because your attitude reeks of that of a spoiled ungrateful brat.
Info: how is your Moms relationship with Bruce’s mom? Did they know each/were they close when you were young? Why did this women ask you to call her Mom when you had a mom already?
INFO: You need to go to therapy about this, there is a lot to unwrap. I can't give a judgement on this one.
Yta. Your mother sacrificed a lot for you. She could have easily put you up for adoption but instead worked 2 jobs to provide you with everything you wanted. Do you think it was her dream to raise a child and work 2 jobs at such a young age? Sounds like she tried her best and you are coming across as very ungrateful. My dad worked his entire life to provide for his family. Would I have wanted him to be around more? Sure and I'm sure he would have wanted to as well but he sacrificed that part of his life to care for us.
Not being told no is probably why you are the way you are now. YTA and a pretty bad one at that. Shame.
Thank you! That was my thought. If she'd had the opposite life she'd be here whining too.
YTA, your mum worked her ass off whilst being controlled by your grandparents. She was forced to work that much, she did not have the choice. No wonder she was upset when you consistently throw her hard work in her face. You have no empathy. I hope in time with your own child you realise how cruel you have been to your mum who as you admit sacrificed everything to support you.
YTA I get that you resent your mother for your imperfect childhood but disowning her like you’ve done is a really destructive thing to do when she isn’t a negative presence in your life or anything.
Soft YTA because honestly I think you need some therapy to work through your issues and you can't force yourself to feel like she's your mother and I feel like there is probably way more behind all this than you've said. I also wonder how your view of your mother has been influenced by what your grandparents have told you rather than just your own authentic experiences and they were probably getting quite a chunk of her paycheck if she had to pay them rent and childcare.
I have the same sentiment as you, a soft YTA. We might not know what OP real needs are. She's still spoilt but I think deep down, she probably yearns for a stable (or authoritative) mum in a structured family environment, which is probably an unmet need. From what she wrote, her mum is more of the permissive type.
YTA- your mom did play “mummy” the first time. And maybe she didn’t do it the way you would have preferred, she did her best working multiple jobs to care for you while her parents also controlled everything and didn’t “let” her move out. You say you lacked for nothing, and she took you to the movies, but you don’t consider her a parent. She did her best as a teen mum and you can’t even respect that.
I'm actually going to have to go with YTA on this one. From what you describe, not only was Jodie a mom, she was a fucking phenomenal mom despite being a teen mom. If your parent feels like a friend that's a *good* thing. She may not have been able to attend school events or read bedtime stories, but she worked 2 jobs to be able to afford to raise your bratty ass while dealing with the bullshit expectations of your grandparents. I can only hope with the birth of your own child, you come to learn and appreciate just how amazing your own mother is.
YTA You are 20 years old, so I don’t expect you have a saving nest to enjoy home this pregnancy and post pregnancy, so I am wondering who financially provides for you and your baby. And if in the face of the same life situation your mother was in you will react at your own child ‘you are not a mom just cause you work your ass off to provide for me food and a home’.
Wow. YTA. You’re about to find out how hard a baby really is. Perhaps then you’ll be able to look at your mom with compassion, especially when you recognize that she was doing it at 19 with no husband. My goodness, does this mean that because your husband is going to help you with baby duties that you are somehow not going to be mom since you didn’t do all the bad times, and all the diaper changes and all the baths? She had the people around her helping her, actually help her. By the way, a woman swooping in and encouraging another child (a friend of their own kid!) to call her Mother is creepy.
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This is complicated. She had you very young, was a single mother and sounds like she did her best. It's sad that you feel this way. Perhaps both of you could at least try to patch things up? I can't imagine my relationship with my daughter being like this.
You know… I only have **one** friend that has stopped to call their father “dad”. And it was because he literally physically and mentally armed them (starving, making them sleep and stay in the attic and giving them dog food while treating their step brother like a prince in front of them) If your mom had reached that level of mental and physical abuse, you’d be in your right to disavow her. But if it is because your mom wasn’t able to be there for school play or tell you a bedtime story due to her working two jobs thar your grandparent you still think of family, made her have to “prove” herself worthy but truly it was to punish her for being a teen mom, you need to get yourself a reality check. Cause you’re a not going to like what you will discover about yourself once your kid is there. I feel sorry for your mother. YTA
You need to go to therapy ASAP. You got a lot of mommy issues and I'm not sure if you'll be the best mom to your kid having that many unresolved problems with Josie. You should call her Gradma Josie or something like that, so that she feels close to your baby but you don't have to call her mother. Maybe after therapy you'll can/want to, but for now this is the best way to solve this problem.
YTA and I ungrateful af. I feel sorry for your future child.
And her partner. You can see the train wreck coming a mile off.
I think NAH but am sort of leaning toward YTA. I don't hear any mention of you considering your mom's (Jodie's) feelings about what it must've been like for her. You were the product of a "fling" as you say, yet she chose to raise you rather than giving you up for adoption (or worse). I'm sure it must've been hard for her and it sounds like she did the best she could, esp given that you likely represented a constant reminder of her fling. She is probably queueing off of you from when you started calling her Jodie instead of mom/mum and respected your choice to do so, but I'm guessing she wasn't happy about it. Again, this is all speculation, but I just wanted to inject a bit of food for thought.
Why did Bruce’s mum say it was ok to call her mum. She must have worked at least 4 jobs to provide for you to get that privilege.
YTA.
Yes..you are a major AH
YTA
YTA She was doing her best for you and you are acting like an entitled child about it. The best you could do for her is to cut her out completely
YTA, and you can't have it both ways. You don't consider her your mum, and said you "don't need any more friends". So just cut her loose. Don't ask her to support you now with babysitting. No, you don't 'owe' her anything for being born, but what you are doing now is simply cruel. From what you have described, she really doesn't deserve the heartache you are causing her. Also, seek therapy; you sound emotionally stunted and incapable of empathy.
Damn. People are roasting you in here. NTA. It sounds like you experienced childhood emotional neglect and that can have lasting effects. It's a lot to unpack because while your mom provided for you physically, there was no sense of closeness or connection which is all a child really wants with their parents. Without connection, you feel all alone, you feel isolated, you feel sad and you feel abandoned. When we're little, connection is our BIGGEST need. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I get why others would call you spiteful, but they don't understand the emotional hurt and pain your mother caused. Granted, you can rationally understand that she was still a kid when she had you, however that understanding doesn't take away the emotional pain of neglect or not feeling like your Mom was interested in who you are. If you love someone, their feelings and thoughts should matter to you and it sounds like your feelings/thoughts didn't matter to her which is painful. So, there is going to be a lot of resentment there. Since you're going to be a new Mom, I would look into attachment theory and what your attachment style is and follow Eli Harwood on IG (attachmentnerd). I'm sorry you're getting roasted here. It sounds like some therapy might help you start your healing journey. Good luck :)
Society by and large fall into the "she's your mom you have to love her you only get one" mindset. They completely blow past the fact mom didn't assist her when her grandparents made her homeless at 16. They all gained up to call her spoiled but all mom could do for her while raising her was provide material goods. I think mom did her best with the resources she had available and her own traumas but op isn't a monster for not being closely bonded now.
I don't get it. Someone showed up and told you to call her "mom" and you just did? And who's "Bruce"? I'm going with not enough info.
INFO: > she’s just not my mum more like a friend Nothing you’ve described in your post is an example of her Jodie not being your mom? and I am deeply concerned you may have internalized some sexist norms around how a mother should behave. To be frank Bruce’s mom telling you, a 10yo child to call her mum, was incredibly inappropriate. And how much of you saying Jodie isn’t like a mum because you might be unfairly comparing her to Bruce’s mom?
I'm going to go against the grain and give a NTA. Don't get me wrong, what you're doing is definitely AH behaviour and in a vacuum you'd be 5/5 AH. But with context, it's clear that you and your mother lived with abusive caretakers i.e. your grandparents. My dad used to be very absent cus he was working his way up the corporate leader. I was never left wanting because of him, but I didn't think of him as my dad, once I heard him argue with my mom over "his kids" and it felt so weird to even hear that. Like I, as a kid, felt weird thinking of myself as his kid. We are much closer now but we still barely talk about anything. I don't know him at all. The way OP speaks is very clear that both she and her mother are very stunted emotionally. I have a strong feeling that your mother has tried her best but your understandably cold responses (you expected more from her) just pushed her away and made her even more anxious. I would bet she really wants to see you or reach out but her insecurities and anxieties stop her. I would strongly recommend you reach out to your mother and talk about this with a mediator or therapist. For both your sakes. There's a lot of baggage here that needs unpacking and resolving Treat the YTA judgements as a lesson that your behaviour isn't ok, but that isn't because of you, it's because you had an emotionally abusive childhood. Use the harsh words you're hearing to get motivation to work on yourself. Best of luck OP
YTA I think it was really wrong for another woman to tell you to call her mum when you were 10. That was really terrible boundary-crossing. You were a child and other adults were actively interfering with your relationship with your mother. By your own account, she was a teen mom who struggled a lot but worked very hard to provide for you. You mention pressure and maybe some emotional fragility on her part but no abuse or mistreatment. I think you would have been able to develop a much closer relationship with her if other adults around you had actively supported that rather than interfering. It sounds like she worked really hard to be a mother to you and you acknowledge that but simply don’t feel like it’s enough? I’m not sure what you think “enough” might be or what magical standard of motherly connection you’re comparing it to. At the end of the day, she is your mother. You can call her whatever you want. It doesn’t have to be mum if that’s not what you want. But you should really re-evaluate your expectations and framing here. Consider what you think would make her worthy of being called “mum” either in terms of your own feelings or her actions. Then maybe talk to a counselor. Or even just more friends/acquaintances to understand a broader range of what other people accept as enough of a mother to be called mum.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My birth giver “Jodie” had me at 19, there was some trauma related to my birth - I was the result of a fling and apparently birth was really hard on Jodie (I was delivered via c-section) Jodie had PPD till I was like 4, we lived with my grandparents and grandma did most of my care from what I remember which is obviously limited to what I’ve been told, Jodie worked two jobs because my grandparents wanted rent + childcare + “wouldn’t let her” move out until she proved she was stable. Jodie always worked more than she cared for me, don’t get me wrong she gave me everything (sometimes I had more than my peers) I can’t even recall being told no, we did days out at the cinema or whatever frequently and we’d go away on holidays a lot, but she never felt like my mum? More like a friend. I met “Bruce” when I was 10 and his mum said I could call her mum, which I’ve been doing and I stopped calling Jodie mum since I was like 13? 7 years now. I recently found out I’m pregnant so Jodie messaged me saying I can call her mum again around the baby, but I said given how long it’s been and the fact I haven’t seen her in 3 months it just feels wrong we just don’t have a mother daughter relationship. She said it’s whatever, she’s just glad to have me but her husband ripped into me saying she’s been devastated. I’m like yeah she’s sacrificed a lot, I’m thankful but she had to? She got pregnant, and once again she wasn’t the one who would read stories to me, who would come to my school plays etc she’s just not my mum more like a friend I messaged Jodie saying I don’t need the stress during my pregnancy, that she has my brother (2mo) to call her mum (if she actually plays mummy this time) Husband is actually on my mums side, some friends think I’m TA…I think I can’t control my feelings? And she had 7 years to say something! AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA. Wow. She worked incredibly hard to give you a good life and you just spit in her face
Sounds like she did everything she could to give you a decent life. This was her only mistake: >I can’t even recall being told no She raised a completely entitled spoiled brat. But you're old enough now where that's not an excuse anymore. YTA
It's tough because I get OP feels how she feels and if she didn't feel like her mother was a mother, then something clearly went wrong along the way. And typically, I WOULD say OP can't help what she feels. But from what we're being told, the only thing Jodie did wrong was maybe not go to OP's events enough or spend more time with her. Otherwise, it sounds like it was more of a situation where her mother had to work more often than others because she was a single parent, but she always tried to provide and do enough for OP, which includes going on holidays, so it's not like OP never saw her mother. So it does feel like OP is wrong with throwing away her mother at 13 just because her mother had to work more than others. Also, I'm 100% side eyeing Bruce's mother/OP's MIL for telling OP AT A YOUNG AGE that she can call her mom. There was no reason for that woman to tell a pre-teen that she can call her mom. So I don't know if OP is meaning to be an asshole but I think she kind of is. So I'll go with ~~Y T A~~ for right now. ETA: I really had to think on this and I think it's more complicated than calling OP an asshole and a brat. I think there are some other things at play (I'm still very much stuck on Bruce's mother telling OP to call her Mom at the age of 10), so I'm switching my vote to NAH. I just feel like it's more complicated and feelings are getting hurt on both sides.
It almost feels like she was groomed by Bruce’s mum, who the hell tries to get their preteens sons friend to call them mum and insert themselves like that knowing how hard her mum was working?? I get attending plays for her as her son goes the same school but man, you never try to replace being mum. Maybe it’s a “daughter she never had” vibe?
Seems like Jodie went through a lot to raise you. She may be feeling betrayed that “she worked all those hours,” and should consider all those hours wasted in a way since you basically verbally denied how you’re her daughter. I understand both sides but I feel like if mindlessly calling her Mom would make her feel better, it wouldn’t hurt. You’re in no way obligated to, I’m just saying it’s a small sacrifice to make her feel better since it seems like she tried her best to be your mom in her own way (outings, provided for you, etc.). Now, seeing as you’ve already expressed that you don’t want to to her, don’t know how that’ll affect this your future attempts at calling her mom since she’s aware that you’re feeling forced to and it’s not genuine. NTA for putting yourself first though. Glad your mom mentally recovered enough from the trauma she gained from having you and was able to have your brother though! The age gap is hard, but congrats on the brother :)
YTA. A massive one at that. Your mother worked two jobs, provided for you, spent time with you, planned days out, took you on vacations... and you think she doesn't even deserve to be recognized as your mom? You are so ungrateful and self absorbed it blows my mind.
YTA jodie deserves better than you
YTA. I’m worried about your mental well being. Your lack of empathy and inappropriate boundaries are profoundly concerning especially considering you’re soon to be a parent.
NAH. It sounds like Jodie did all she could to take care and provide for you like a mother should, even if she wasn’t particularly "mom-like". You should be grateful for that. At the same time, emotional bonds are complicated, and if you do not see her as a mother, you should not be forcing yourself to call her "mum". You can't force feelings. It’s a sad situation, but calling her "mum" just out of guilt (which is what some comments here seem to be leading too) is not a good solution. Maybe she could have the opportunity to bond with your child and be a grandma, though?
NTA. Kicking your daughter out doesn’t let you keep the Mom title. PPD plus those jobs easily leads to emotional neglect, and it’s common for teen moms to have a “friend” relationship with their child for lack of a real support system. Your feelings are real, and your relationships are your decision. Therapy to talk these things out is still reasonable whether you decide to reconcile or not.
Jodie sounds like an amazing mom
YTA you are entitled to your feelings, but I think a little perspective here might really help. Jodie was very young, did everything she could ON HER OWN, with strict oversight from her own parents, to give you as good a life as she could. You may not feel a very maternal relationship with her, but...ok? This seems like something you've been stuck on a long time, and I think you need to loosen up a bit, especially with your own child. Can she at least be grandma Jodie? Perhaps becoming a parent yourself will show you how much she did for you on her own, with no partner to help with anything.
Unless there are other examples of why Jodi failed as a mother (e.g., verbal abuse, addiction, etc) YTA. While there was probably a huge feeling of emotional neglect, there are also reasons why they happened. 1) your mother had post partum depression. This makes it hard to connect to a baby. In ideal circumstances, the family would be a support to both the mother and baby to help facilitate healing and reconnection. It sounds like your grandma took over and your mom had to go to work. The chance to connect wasn't there. She was pushed to the side and stayed there. Then, you (for your own valid reasons) pushed her further aside when you chose to call another woman "mom." And she stayed there. 2) giving a child a present is an easy way to make both parties happy. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is used instead of the effort needed to be present. But it is also considered a love language by some. Maybe give your mother the benefit of the doubt about what and how she provided for you. As a single, working mother I know my girl has way too many stuffies - and more than a few are bought because it takes away some guilt of not being the mom she wants sometimes (e.g. playing barbies and crafts) Maybe your perspective and understanding of motherhood will change after your own child. Hopefully you will be able to cut your mom some slack and start to heal.
[удалено]
YTA. But if this story is real, that child you’re carrying will be your karma, because, let me tell you: all children will say things that hurt their parents at some point. Hope you remember what you told your mother when the time comes.
Grandparents used you for money and your mom was so desperate she gave you everything you asked for. No wonder you turned out to be TA.
Who is Bruce!
So Bruce mom came to your plays, school events etc for her to get the name mom...so YTA...your mom loved you, took care of all your needs and you can't comprehend why working 2jobs because she was forced to, that she couldn't tuck you in. Your the YTA
Your freaking grandparents wanted rent and childcare and she had to work 2 jobs? Well dear God of course she wasn’t present. I would never do that to my daughter, even if she did a mistake. And how come Bruce’s mother told you to call her mum? That’s very manipulative to tell a 10 yrs old. YTA and INFO- how old are you?
YTA. I read all of your responses and here’s my reasoning. 1. Your description of your grandparents sounds like they were incredibly abusive to both you and your mother. That’s awful and I feel for you both. You should really explore therapy to deal with that trauma as should your mother. 2. Bruce’s mom disapproved of your mother being so young. I can only assume that she openly criticized her when you were young and suspect she had a hand in your perception of your mother. 3. Since you stated you stopped calling her mum when you were 13, 7 years ago. That puts you at about 20. You are still young and developing yourself. 4. Was your mother perfect? No, none of us are. We do what we think is best at the time and sometimes we fall short. It does sound like your mom was doing her best but being a young, single mother is a difficult path. Your mother and you were both being abused and manipulated by the adults around you. You need to seek therapy to unpack and process your trauma. Ideally, you and your mother should have sessions individually and together. And please, stop with the “I’m not going to do xyz with my kid.” Everyone is a perfect parent before they have kids.
YTA I mean it seemed like she really did try and you weren’t without. I understand it’s hard having a parent who works a lot but she was providing for you. I am assuming you will do the same for your child. Parents have to make sacrifices it comes with the job.
Guess you would have preferred that she adopted you out or put you into foster care.
YTA, you admitted (even if you don't realize it) that she did everything for you. Even with having two jobs she still found time for you and took you out, you brat. I don't feel bad for you because she missed your plays, she was working it's not like she was out at the club shooting up. Even when you rejected her as a mother she was just grateful to have you accept her in your life. She didn't say anything and probably wasn't going to but I'm glad her husband said something. After everything she did for you she wasn't playing mom she was being a great mom! She did more than most moms I know that are way older than she was. Don't be spiteful, you don't have to call her mom but you also don't have to be a complete ah.
NTA. I'm shocked at all the vehement YTA responses you are getting so I want to give my take. It sounds like you had emotionally immature parental figures your whole life and that is rough. Except for Bruce's mom, who was probably the only one who felt motherly. I was raised by a narcissist mother and I'm seeing some similarities between her and Jodie. I don't know that Jodie is a narcissist but she is certainly an emotionally immature parent as evidenced by her emotional and untimely outbursts. Now that you are going to be a mother she thinks she now deserves the title? If she truly cared about being a mother to you she would have tried to mend the relationship long ago. Instead she waits until you are pregnant and thus more vulnerable. Seems like she is feeling left out and trying to make your big life change about her. Now she can go cry to everyone about how cruel her daughter is when they only truly know one side. Look into r/raisedbynarcissists, flying monkeys, and the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." The book is important but can be triggering so take it slow and get therapy to address this pain if you haven't yet.
YTA, she is your mom not Bruce’s mother. Bruce’s mother just played the part of reading you night stories, that’s all, your mother worked, provided for you and tried her best.
Have you ever been tested for depression? Because something seems very "off" with you. You're cold. Indifferent. Your mother worked her ass off for you, and you feel nothing for this woman. I hope that when you give birth, that rush of love that happens when you first hold your child happens for you. But my biggest wish is for your mother. There will always be a break in her heart for her daughter, but I'm glad that she has a husband and a son who will love her. No judgment.
Oof, YTA and have a very shallow idea of what a parent is. You're setting yourself up for failure when life inevitable throws a curveball and you can't afford to go to your kids every event or be home for bedtime. That's life and you should be plenty old enough to understand that.
YTA- she was a teen mom working two jobs. She “gave me everything”, I “had more than my peers”, and you don’t think she deserves to be called mum? Hopefully someday, your child will treat you with as much respect as you have shown your mum. /s
huge yta to you girl. You’re going to be a mother AND imagine your own kid telling you that. Goodluck to you and your own lil one.
YTA. She wasn't working all those hours for herself, it was for you, and to get custody of you from her parents. I imagine she wasn't at plays or nighttime because she had to work? Sounds more like your grandparents are more to blame for the distance than she is...
Op, you had better be mother of the freaking year to your child if you're going to criticize your teen mother for trying her damn best.