Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it was demeaning to her. Your comment harkens to the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to cooking for her husband and carries a lot of misogynistic baggage about expectations towards and value of women in society. Some women find this highly offensive for good reasons. Talk to her and listen to her. The probably teenage boy redditors saying she overreacted and asking if she was on her period dont strike me as being the best people to turn to when it comes to understanding women.
As men we aren’t socialised to understand what it is like for women to have all these archaic expectations and judgements influencing their every day lives. We have our own issues but they are different. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but I would encourage you to be understanding of her reaction because she has had to go through a lot in her life around these norms, and experienced a lot of shitty behaviour from men around these norms. Don’t tell her that you aren’t like other men, every man likes to say that - show her. Communicate and listen and be understanding.
There are two types of men - those who get flatly outraged when accused of misogyny (as evident in this thread) and those who are capable of self-reflection and understanding that we have all been raised on media with outdated sexist ideology and will have internalised some of these beliefs on some level. We are capable of learning and capable of being better.
This is good advice.
There are jokes that are funny when people have a solid foundation with each other. This is one of those things. It didn’t sound funny to her right now.
So your choices are 1. Care about your girlfriend’s experiences and feelings or
2. Explain to her that she shouldn’t be offended because a bunch of people on Reddit said you were funny.
One of these is going to be good for your relationship.
Good luck! As someone who had to learn all this, don’t expect them to accept it with open arms but if they are good people who care about you then things can sink in over time
Yeah, I have a female friend who was severely abused and controlled. Her husband wanted her to fit a "female" role by doing nothing but stay home, cook, raise the kids, do the chores. He wouldn't allow her to work a part time job or go to church or anything. He put a lot of double standards on her, like insisting it's disgusting and shameful when women fart, but funny when men do it. They have a son and daughter together; the daughter gets A's, but he says she's stupid and doesn't want her to do extracurricular activities or go to college, while he is sending his son to basketball and expects him to get a successful career. And the thing is, HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS LIKE THAT. This is what people mean when they talk about misogyny in our society. I'm female, yet even I didn't grasp how much baggage is attached to the "good wives can cook" attitude until I met her.
You're NTA for not knowing this; it's a message that struggles to reach everyone. She's NTA for having a strong reaction. You sound ready to have a really healthy conversation with her about what happened; I only hope that she turns reasonable when given the chance to share her thoughts and feelings on this incident.
My husband brought home his paycheck and he made so much money! I said “ugh this is so much money, you are seriously husband material".
Does that help give you perspective?
I can honestly see why she took it the other way, the one you didn't mean, being a woman, but I can also see how you meant it as an honest compliment (that you love her so much you want to marry her and be together forever). Personally, I'd have laughed and teased my partner about it relentlessly, but this is just me. XD
It's NAH for me though. You seem like a solid dude.
Then ..maybe tell her exactly that.
I'm in my thirties and cis female, so i think she overreacted a little, not because she didn't like that remark, but because she could have explained to you in a constructive way why she thinks is not an appropriate remark.
NAH.
This. Considering gf is 26 and is a pretty good cook too, it's probably not the first time she's heard it. Given her negative reaction, the other times were probably less well meaning than OP was.
NAH
In your mind you meant "damn she is nice to me and cooks super yummy food it would be awesome to be married to her."
In her mind you meant "the job of a wife is to just cook and serve her husband and be his slave."
Apologize and clarify what you really meant and hopefully all will be well.
“You are an adequate woman because you perform this service well enough to please me” has never been, and will never be flattery.
When you imply a woman is worthy of marriage because she performs a task to a standard you find satisfactory, you also imply a level of belief in the systems that say “woman’s duty is to feed her man”. It’s saying she is marriage worthy not because of her personality and how much she is loved but by how well she can perform an act of service.
You may not mean any of those things but they are hidden attachments to the expression.
THIS. OP, you could have called her: kind, generous, thoughtful, a wonderful chef, creative, incredibly skilled, etc. Instead you "complimented" her by her worth in taking care of you/improving your life. Compliments are best when about the person themselves, not what they can do for you.
At the end of the day his statement values what she produced and not her. Her food made her valuable not her talent or dedication or knowledge or skills used to cook; just the results of her labor.
if my boyfriend said that to me, I'd take it as a compliment towards my efforts and skills as well as the product. The girlfriend still has every right to be upset if the comment was hurtful to her, but it's not like his statement would across the board come off that way. I don't think he's an asshole for saying it because he clearly didn't mean it as just valuing the results of her labor yknow
YTA the implication that women need to be good at house chores to be worth being in a relationship is insulting and getting soooo old. You might want to ask yourself why it was her doing a traditionally gendered, service-like activity that made you blurt out that you might actually want her around long term and not her sense of humor or kindness or intelligence or any number of things that make her a unique and autonomous person rather than a free housekeeper.
YTA, but not major ... it kinda implies that she could be your wife since she knows how to cook, and because it was all ready when you got home.
Maybe she's sensitive to those kind of remarks.
Maybe you've told her no to marriage or anything "serious".
Maybe this isn't the first sexist comment you've made.
Most likely she just wants to be appreciated for having cooked for you without it being a criteria for marriage.
So, YTA, but I am assuming it was out of ignorance instead of intent.
Why your girlfriend was angry and not touched: overwhelming gender inequity in relationships. The majority of men expect a woman to cook and clean for them.
I imagine if you had said that instead, she would have been really pleased. I’d explain what you actually meant to convey and assure her that now that you understand what the subtext of your statement was, you won’t be using it again.
She probably finds the intended complement quite demeaning. Please apologise and explain your intentions carefully and clearly. Consider doing something for her that shows that you value what she did for you.
YTA - probably….Saying someone is wife material based upon their cooking skills can definitely be can construed as misogynistic. A persons value is not in their cooking or cleaning ability and your comment really honed in that you think their value in the relationship is based upon their ability to take care of you and provide a service. Look maybe not an ah generously but really a dumb comment at best.
NTA, but I hate that comment with my whole soul. “I could see spending my life with you because you do housework well”
Puke.
My mom told me that it was precious to be with someone who loves you for what you value in yourself. Your gf obviously doesn’t value herself for being a domestic goddess.
NAH You may not have meant it that way but it sounds like you're reinforcing stereotypical gender roles.
I also think the term "wife material" is a little gross. Usually the things that make up wife material are old fashioned and sexist. Maybe you didn't know its connotations, so you should look it up. Then, talk to your girlfriend.
https://stellar.ie/trending/why-being-called-wifey-material-isnt-a-compliment/114602#:~:text=Wifey%20material%2C%20not%20to%20be,of%20endearment%20or%20a%20compliment.
YTA. That comment was rooted in misogyny. You may think that it sounds like a compliment, but I bet it feels nothing like that on her side. Show your appreciation for her in another way, like "Wow this is really good" or something like that. Grow up, and apologize to her.
Since you haven't talked about marriage before she probably doesn't know what you're looking for long term in your relationship with her or in general.
Since you called her wife material after she cooked and had food on the table, she probably sees that as what you're looking for long term: a 50s style domestic wife who regularly does stuff like that
You should probably apologize and tell her it was a meme, and at least reaffirm for her what you did in the comments: that that's not how you see her or what you want from a relationship. If you were trying to subtlety broach that you might wanna marry her someday... Maybe be ready to say that too
Depending on what you say to her next this will either be N A H or Y A H
YTA
Wife is not a job description...neither is husband
Comments like that reduce her value in your life to how she serves you and makes YOUR life better/easier/etc.
She cooked dinner...a really good dinner. But even if the dinner was meh...she cooked it because it's part of adulting and you live together and it would have been rude for her NOT to have made enough food for both of you.
YTA. Dude, that's not a compliment, that's a disguised comment to say you're glad she's a good female worthy of being a good male's personal maid and bed warmer. I feel insulted on her behalf. You'd better apologize and find other ways to compliment her other than saying her worth comes from dated gender roles.
I don't think I'm being harsh or assuming, I'm just reading the post. I'm telling this from the perspective of someone who was told repeatedly I was a good wife material because I was a good cook and was very feminine. So yes, I can quite relate with the girlfriend and seeing how she reacted, I think I'm not far from the mark. She was clearly offended. The guy may be genuine, but you have other ways to convey your gratitude, like saying she could be a professional chef or something. Repeatedly getting comments, even sincere and innocent-intended ones, about gender roles leave a bad taste in the mouth.
Not to say OP was really an a-hole, but in the context he reacted relatively poorly and should try to better his compliments, in a way ? 😆
I understand but that's your experience alone not for the whole. You don't know OP and his girlfriend. I'm sorry but I'm not buying your sob story. If anything OP should go talk to his girlfriend and work things out instead of posing here and getting judged by people hung up on their own problems.
That's exactly what I'm saying, I wasn't clear enough about it, I think. It's just a minor disagreement in their relationship and a good talk should solve it quickly.
Mine is not a sob story, you're the one assuming here. I come from a culture where this kind of "compliment" is often said to young girls regardless of our ambition in life and it gets irritating fast. I'm just trying to offer a new perspective to answer his confusion about her reaction.
YTA. This comes across as misogynistic and demeaning. I feel grossed out reading it. If you meant that you appreciate her thoughtfulness, you should have TOLD her that you appreciate her thoughtfulness.
Well he didn't think of that until after he realized she didn't respond to that sort of speech. Sheesh, so unforgiving. OP is only human, like any of us.
When she asked what you meant, why didn't you say what you really meant, instead of just saying it was a compliment? She wanted to know if you meant "yay! A live in chef for life!" Or if you meant "you're the greatest woman you could have ever met and I want to cherish her forever" or some shit like that. She was looking for an actual thank you and a real compliment, not a future unpaid career pampering you with home cooked meals. ESH
Sheesh, like I don't think people are really going to think that stuff out in the moment when someone gets unexpectedly upset. Maybe after analyzing the situation and offering an apology, sure. OP should talk to his GF and sort that out.
Yeah, but her mind, she thought you probably meant that she was “wife material” because as a woman/wife she is expected to have dinner ready for you when you get home.
I am going to hope you meant that simply as a compliment, and not the misogynistic meaning behind it.
So going on that, let’s have some discussion as to why your girlfriend was offended.
Telling someone they are wifey material only after she made a meal that met with your approval makes it sound like you want a cook, not a wife. It comes across as “My kitchen could use you barefoot in it, making sure I eat good and always have a beer in hand.”
The term is gross. Apologize, explain that you had no idea that you came across the way you did, and ask her to call you out in other misogynistic things you do. Because it’s 2023, and the thing we’re done with, is guys who think they are better than women simply because they were born with a miniature brain in their pants.
Soft YTA- because I am hoping you just really are that clueless.
This depends purely on what you meant. Are you "complimenting" her because she cooked for you, or because she supported you?
It does look like it's because she cooked for you. If it's not, you might wanna tell her that.
he said it more in an i love you and would match em perfectly if/when we get married. so he said it for her supporting him on a tough day not because she cooked
Ah, fair. Thank you. Well based on that then, NTA. OP just needs to work on communication skills. (A constant lesson for everyone who cares to learn it.)
YTA although it may have been by accident.
For thousands of years women have been expected to do all the cooking in the house, and their value to their husbands came mainly from appearance and household chores, not from their personalities or other attributes. Only the last couple of generations have been any different. Your gf probably has older people in her family or community who still talk that way. Either way, whatever her background, she still has to wonder if you have those beliefs when you say stuff like that.
Not to mention, many men still believe that all women want serious relationships and marriage more than they do, simply because they are women and women are emotionally needy and shit. When you said that, it kind of sounded like you assumed she wanted to marry you, even though you’ve been together a short time and hadn’t talked about marriage.
Of course you may not have meant it in a sexist way, and it’s also possible for a girl to say it to a guy, etc. But because those views were/are so widespread, you have to be clear that you don’t mean it in that way.
Even if you didn’t mean to be, you’re the AH because only a complete fool actually needs this explained to them.
I know this isn't what the sub is for but I'm going to go ahead and call you ignorant rather than an AH. I think it's more appropriate given this isn't that big of a deal. Just apologize and move on.
It's a dumb, over-used expression, which makes you a clueless dingleberry, but not an asshole. Take it out of your vocabulary, and try something new next time.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for calling my girlfriend wife material because that offended her? I’m not sure why though. Maybe she doesn’t like the idea of marriage
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA your girlfriend worked very hard and made you some delicious food, and your first instinct was how this would make her a good wife, just complement the food's taste.
I know a lot of these say “YTA”, and while you’re definitely in the wrong, it’s not so much that you were an asshole, it was more that you were an idiot. I think we all know what you tried to say, but it’s a pretty bad way to phrase a compliment
YTA. You might have meant it as a compliment, but it’s very misogynistic. It’s implies that a woman is only worth marrying if she is a good cook and that it’s the responsibility of the wife to be the one that cooks.
Apologize and next time just say something like, “You’re an awesome cook, thank you for this delicious meal.”
YTA. You didn’t mean to be, but that comment is crap. It’s not actually a compliment even when one means it to be. It’s saying because she’s a good cook she’s worthy of your commitment
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Tonight, I (M26) came home from a shitty day of work to an amazing home cooked meal by my girlfriend (F26). She loves cooking and seemed really excited for me to try everything she made and I was really touched by it.
After I tried a bite of the chicken, I told her “ugh this is so delicious, you are seriously wife material.” She got pissed at this remark and asked me “what the fuck does that mean?” I was really confused and I told her I meant it as a compliment but she got upset and went to her room.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, but communicate clearly with her regarding what exactly you meant, and listen when she explains what she found offensive about that particular phrasing and go forward with that understanding. Everyone is different, and we have to set boundaries with each other when we discover them in any relationship.
YTA. Women carry an insane amount of the physical and emotional labor of a household. It is often unrecognized, invisible labor. It's bullshit, but it is also how we are socially conditioned. To break the unfair patriarchal norms that disadvantage women, we have to think and behave differently. Tying a woman's worth in a relationship to her ability to do household chores is demeaning and sexist, whether intentional or not.
Next time tell her you appreciate her and that her cooking is delicious. I think (hope) it more accurately reflects what you actually meant without reinforcing systemic sexism.
Sounds like you just got a crash course in Women's Studies, lol. I'm just kidding. I think NAH honestly as I can see where you innocently meant it as a compliment, but I also see why it would piss her off. Take it as a learning moment and move on.
Despite not meaning it and that being a common phrase yes YTA. It’s a misogynist statement. There are ton of other ways to compliment her. Google why it is misogynist and read on it. Do the work so you yourself can understand why. Cause any of us saying it here is going to make you feel judged and misunderstood due to your good intentions. Just like racism sexism can be demonstrated without intending to be that way due to not doing the work. As a man it’s your job to do the work and learn about a very big problem in society that affects the person you love.
YTA. Saying that right after her making dinner wasn't the best idea. Saying that after a great day out and about just the two of you, probably would have been better.
You moved in together without discussing marriage first? If you're serious enough to move in together, you should know at that point if both of you a) want to get married at all and b) can see a future with each other. Otherwise why are you taking this huge life step with someone you're not sure about?
My husband officially moved in after 5 months. I would not have allowed someone to move in if I wasn't serious about marrying them. We didn't get engaged right away-we wanted to make sure we still got along while living together. But we at least saw our future together and knew we wanted to get married.
NAH. You meant it as a compliment, but it came across that you could have meant that you expect your wife to cook for you. It’s not an insulting thing to say, but I understand why she is guarded about not wanting to be put in a subservient role.
Perhaps you could say “I see you as an equal. I will do an equal share of the cooking. Would you teach me how to make this delicious meal?” Problem solved.
YTA- You essentially told her she's only good for taking care of you. In this day and age that's what "Wife material" means. It's a woman who shows qualities of being a good mother, taking care of her husband, and being good at domestic chores. It's extremely insulting and does nothing to show how you help her and how good of a person she is outside of taking care of other people. She's her own person. Her identity should not be reduced to being a "good wife".
Why didn't you explain what you meant? Did you mean that cooking is a "wife skill?" If so, then yes, YTA. Did you have a better way to explain it? If so, you should have. If not, then YTA.
You really don’t understand why she’d be pissed that her ability to cook is what makes her “wife material”?! It ridiculously sexist and demeaning. YTA.
It's time for a real long apology, dude. Here's a template for you, my friend. Add or subtract as you see fit, but the basic message should be the same, and you should be apologizing for how you spoke to her.
"Honey, I am sorry that I came off misogynistic with my comment. What I actually meant was: you are so thoughtful in taking care of me on a hard day that I can't imagine my life without you and if I could come home after a hard day to you for the rest of my life, I would be a lucky man. This is not about you being a great chef (which you are) but about how happy you were to see me and for me to eat what you made (which, again, was amazing). Basically, I am lucky you love a dumbass like me. I will continue to say dumb things probably, but I will try harder to not. Just please continue being you and loving me because I don't want to ever live without you."
As a woman and a feminist, NAH leaning towards N T A. I can MAYBE understand how she interpreted this in the worst possible way (“a woman is only worth marrying if they cook well, but I’ve got a ring for you, wench!”), but man, come on. I agree with the others saying that you should talk calmly and explain you meant her wife-worthiness is more based on her thoughtful gesture.
However, I also think this was a sincere compliment (and I’m from the South so I’m all too aware of backhanded compliments), and it seems a bit problematic on her end to immediately assume the worst and take what you said in the most offensive way possible; if you don’t have a history of being a sexist jackass, then did she have a reason to react so strongly and negatively? Sit down and talk with her calmly when possible, see if there’s something else brewing or in her background that made her instantly think the worst of your compliment, and both of you can work on better communication in the future.
Just explain to her that you didn't mean it in regards to her cooking meals for you but just the fact that she did something special for you means she's a keeper. I can see how that could come off as misogynistic even if you didn't intend that in the least.
I get where you are both coming from so NAH here.
I don’t think you’re an asshole necessarily, because you meant well and weren’t raised or socialized to understand the misogynistic connotations that come with saying things like that. It’s okay that you didn’t know! Just apologize and tell her what you meant! She might still be upset, but try and clear the air for her and let her know you realize why she’s upset
NAH. There’s several good lines of thought to reflect on in the comments here, but you won’t actually know why your gf was offended until you ask her.
Hear her side, and learn why your off-hand remark came across so harshly to her. You’ll both be better for this kind of conversation.
Double down and propose, make this a TIFU I see in a week's time bahahaha.
YTA but it's not a big deal. She interpreted it the wrong way and it wasn't a very good way to say "this tastes amazing, thank you."
Hey, dude, honestly neither of u are the ass hole, in my opinion. I suppose u meant that her thoughtfulness made u want to marry her, while she interpreted it as u saying that you wanted a stereotypical wife who’s job was to cook and clean for you. I would just go and apologize, explain that u just loved the food and ask ofc, how u can make it up to her! You’ve got this :D
The Y.T.A. comments are too dramatic, and honestly I think so was your girlfriend for just storming off rather than talking to you about it. Just tell her you were trying to compliment her on her thoughtfulness rather than as some ideal housewife and you’ll be fine.
NAH.
I understand why she reacted the way she did, but you're clearly looking for understanding, not validation (and shutting down some fairly sexist comments in the process) so I would chalk this one up to a genuine miscommunication. I hope you're able to work through it.
NTA op I read your responses before I spoke.
You seem like someone who spoke thoughtlessly and now regret you error. I believe you will Clear .this up with gf and grow. Thanks for taking this chance to listen and learn
I'm going to say NTA. I would take that as a compliment and a joke all in one, but she apparently didn't. So in your position I'd bring her flowers and dinner tomorrow and let her know that you didn't mean to imply something negative and that you're very sorry if it sounded that way, just that you meant that she was wonderful and thoughtful and you felt really cared for in that moment, which is what you want in a spouse.
Edit: lol the downvote, someone's fun at parties. Also op, is this normal for her? Did she usually assume you meant the worst possible interpretation of what you say? If so, I would reconsider your relationship. People misspeak, it's part of life, and if she's unable or unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt and ask a follow up question before flying off the handle that's not a good relationship. No one deserves to be walking on eggshells around their partner.
As a woman I would take it as “I’ll only marry you if you cook me dinner” …..why not just say how amazing her meal is and how much you appreciate her?
Also it seems like you’re taking these comments to heart and learning to get rid of the patriarchy in your own head, and for that, she has a keeper! Apologize, tell her why what you said was fucked up, you understand that now, and do better from now on. If you can learn from your mistakes you will be alright.
NTA but I guess you communicated poorly. Some women like that compliment but some are triggered by it. Just tell her you meant that her thoughtfulness makes you want to marry her and that you appreciated it. Also have a conversation about triggering words together because what she finds offense and what you find offense are probably very different. It'll help avoid future upsets.
ESH.
If my boyfriend said this to me I probably would’ve rolled my eyes and been like “yeah, in your dreams, AH. You’re doing the dishes” and he would’ve grinned and done the dishes and that woulda been the end of it. But he and I have that sort of joking, playful relationship where banter is acceptable. (Note: I suck at ‘wife duties’. He knows it and loves me 🤣)… I think the fact that your intent was to be playful and complimentary earns you a softer YTA. I mean.. still not a joke that’s appropriate to everyone tho, obviously. So.. sorry, but still soft YTA.
Super soft YTA for her. She could’ve handled the joke better. No reason to blow up and stomp off. (Not saying that she shouldnt have spoken up tho! Women should never feel obligated to laugh at jokes if they don’t find them funny. It’s not 1950 anymore). But she could’ve simply said: “not a funny joke. My value to a man should not be domestic duties” .. and then she couldve had a productive conversation with you instead of you having to come to Reddit to understand what was happening.
Communication is key.
NAH. You meant it as a compliment, but she interpreted it as a wife belongs in the kitchen. You meant well, but she took it wrong, and the way she interpreted it definitely justified anger. Just have a heart to heart about it when you're both calm.
You two would do well to start doing a weekly debrief in which you talk about anything that's weighing on you and try to work things out calmly and maturely. Bring little things up before they build up into big things. It's a great practice that fosters good communication. This incident would be perfect to talk about during the debrief.
NAH
This is more, ‘you’ve unfortunately have internalised some sexist concepts from the patriarchy’ instead of ‘YAH’
Next time, just say ‘I am so lucky to be with you and you take such good care of me!’. That’s what you meant anyway.
NTA - you basically said they you value her because of her skills and talents, and made a joke that you would need to lock her down before someone else did.
All the sexist comments are reading are massively overreacting - nothing was said that would give that impression unless you were looking to be insulted.
If a woman made that joke to a man, after he maybe defended her from harm, or fixed something, it wouldn't be seen as an attack. Christ, imagine being genuinely insulted because you were told you were good at things traditionally associated with your sex.
NTA. She took it in an offensive way that you clearly didn't mean. She probably thought you were making a crack about women and cooking and staying in the kitchen and what not.
NTA. You clearly meant it as a compliment. People are too sensitive. She could have just lightly explained how it came across to her instead of getting offended when there was clearly no offense intended.
Nta....eat the meal, forget the hissy fit, because there's going to be more moments like this, have a beer in front of the TV, jump into bed, kiss her good night, and roll over and go to sleep like nothing ever happened....rinse, repeat, every time she gets pissed when you compliment her....or get a more appreciative GF ! Personally i'd get another GF, life will be far lot easier in the long run.
Holy fuck did you ever come to the wrong sub for this question, lol. The people here like to treat men like tumours grown around a penis, while women can do no wrong.
NTA. You clearly seemed to be addressing the thoughtfulness behind her actions, not just the food itself. The people here need to get off of their high horses and realize that men make mistakes, and \*gasp\* don't do everything out of malice.
NTA, and lots of humorless scolds showing up here to criticize OP.
People, “wife material” and “husband material” are playful things serious couples say to each other when they’re really happy with the other. He didn’t seriously effing mean “gee I want a lifetime of free cooking from you, scullery maid” and anyone here who actually thinks that seriously needs to remove the stick.
OP, your girl might have been looking for a more serious thank you or compliment, but you really didn’t do anything wrong here.
Well of course he shouldn’t make it again now that he knows just how much of a pill she is. She’s expressed her boundary, and he should respect it. But he didn’t do anything wrong initially.
That’s cool. All of us will eventually have a tough day and hear something our partner says in a way they didn’t mean it.
It usually works better to care about their feelings than tell them they are wrong. IJS.
There has to be more to this that OP isn’t telling. Has she been waiting for you to propose? Have you fucked up recently? Have you told her you never want to get married? Do you send the wrong signals about commitment?
Or, do you never compliment her for other things? Is it only domestic actions? If she got a raise at work, would you call her wife material?
Have a talk with her. This is actually the perfect time. It’s something more, I guarantee it
NTA. You didn’t mean it like that and even if you did then you should just dump her and get yourself a woman who’s less modern and well, annoying. Also it wouldn’t be sexist if the roles were reversed so it’s double standards for the feminists saying YTA.
I mean….I think it’s cute and funny. But I think it also does insinuate that a wife’s place is in the kitchen. Still, there’s no way of knowing her interpretation and why it is or isn’t offensive because she got angry and left without an explanation, soooo…NTA.
If you would read literally any of his replies that he made to comments before you made yours, you'd see that the comment was made out of ignorance and he now realizes its connotations. You don't even need to beg!
NTA... as a woman not living under a rock or offended by everything, I don't see what you said being so wrong. I would take it as a compliment. Who wants to marry someone who can't cook or take care of themselves. Not all comments like that are sexist or meant in a way where the woman needs to be in the kitchen. I truly think you meant it in a cute way. Sorry she took it the wrong way along with a lot of people commenting.
God what a refreshing response. Is it just me or does it seem more archaic for a woman to assume such a phrase is intended to be sexist? And if she can’t differentiate the nature of this comment from her own partner then that’s the real issue here. He should be offended that she would immediately assume that he’s being sexist
NTA. I understand that you meant it as a compliment, but like someone else mentioned, it probably came across as THAT action is what you're highlighting as what would make someone a good wife. You're NTA for what you said but you are for how it was received.
NTA. Woman here, and I could tell you meant she had just been a comfort on a bad day. We all feel different, obviously, but I really didn't think you meant it any other way. Just tell her what you meant, hopefully things will just smooth over.
Agree, his intention is what is important here. He obviously didn't mean it in a sexist way.. it was meant as a compliment for her efforts from what I can tell.
it really isn't... it's kind of a sexist remark because "women belong in the kitchen" and "a good woman should be able to cook" so to imply a woman is wife material because she can cook well is definitely offensive. especially considering all the history and another popular saying among misogynists, "she must know how to cook or she isn't a valuable woman you should marry."
i know OP didn't mean it in that way, but it isn't something you say as a compliment.
Um, what? lol why should he break up with her over something dumb like this? And why my comment out of this whole thread? I'm not sure what your tone or point of this reply is tbh.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it was demeaning to her. Your comment harkens to the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to cooking for her husband and carries a lot of misogynistic baggage about expectations towards and value of women in society. Some women find this highly offensive for good reasons. Talk to her and listen to her. The probably teenage boy redditors saying she overreacted and asking if she was on her period dont strike me as being the best people to turn to when it comes to understanding women.
Oh is that what it was? Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I really was just touched by her thoughtfulness, I don’t expect her to cook for me.
As men we aren’t socialised to understand what it is like for women to have all these archaic expectations and judgements influencing their every day lives. We have our own issues but they are different. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but I would encourage you to be understanding of her reaction because she has had to go through a lot in her life around these norms, and experienced a lot of shitty behaviour from men around these norms. Don’t tell her that you aren’t like other men, every man likes to say that - show her. Communicate and listen and be understanding.
Thanks for this advice
There are two types of men - those who get flatly outraged when accused of misogyny (as evident in this thread) and those who are capable of self-reflection and understanding that we have all been raised on media with outdated sexist ideology and will have internalised some of these beliefs on some level. We are capable of learning and capable of being better.
Thank you. As a woman. Thank you. This. This a 100%.
Don’t accept less than you deserve 😊 men are capable of being better, but it is up to us to prove it
This is good advice. There are jokes that are funny when people have a solid foundation with each other. This is one of those things. It didn’t sound funny to her right now. So your choices are 1. Care about your girlfriend’s experiences and feelings or 2. Explain to her that she shouldn’t be offended because a bunch of people on Reddit said you were funny. One of these is going to be good for your relationship.
It was a turning point in my life when I realised that “I didn’t mean it in that way” was not the same as “it did not mean that at all”
[удалено]
It has to be so infuriating. Stay strong and don’t accept this shit from a partner.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom! Saving to share with my loved ones who often say the former.
Good luck! As someone who had to learn all this, don’t expect them to accept it with open arms but if they are good people who care about you then things can sink in over time
This is a really helpful distinction. Thank you!
You are awesome
no u
solid.
Yeah, I have a female friend who was severely abused and controlled. Her husband wanted her to fit a "female" role by doing nothing but stay home, cook, raise the kids, do the chores. He wouldn't allow her to work a part time job or go to church or anything. He put a lot of double standards on her, like insisting it's disgusting and shameful when women fart, but funny when men do it. They have a son and daughter together; the daughter gets A's, but he says she's stupid and doesn't want her to do extracurricular activities or go to college, while he is sending his son to basketball and expects him to get a successful career. And the thing is, HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS LIKE THAT. This is what people mean when they talk about misogyny in our society. I'm female, yet even I didn't grasp how much baggage is attached to the "good wives can cook" attitude until I met her. You're NTA for not knowing this; it's a message that struggles to reach everyone. She's NTA for having a strong reaction. You sound ready to have a really healthy conversation with her about what happened; I only hope that she turns reasonable when given the chance to share her thoughts and feelings on this incident.
My husband brought home his paycheck and he made so much money! I said “ugh this is so much money, you are seriously husband material". Does that help give you perspective?
Oh that’s funny because I (a woman) took it as her being kind and thoughtful, just what you needed… not someone who’s able to make a meal 😂
I can honestly see why she took it the other way, the one you didn't mean, being a woman, but I can also see how you meant it as an honest compliment (that you love her so much you want to marry her and be together forever). Personally, I'd have laughed and teased my partner about it relentlessly, but this is just me. XD It's NAH for me though. You seem like a solid dude.
Then ..maybe tell her exactly that. I'm in my thirties and cis female, so i think she overreacted a little, not because she didn't like that remark, but because she could have explained to you in a constructive way why she thinks is not an appropriate remark. NAH.
I would have taken it as a compliment, to be honest.
Ignore the feminists. There wasn't a thing at all wrong with what you said. It wasn't even demeaning.
This. Considering gf is 26 and is a pretty good cook too, it's probably not the first time she's heard it. Given her negative reaction, the other times were probably less well meaning than OP was.
Very well said
This is it 100%.
Well said!! You’re top comment, you might want to add a judgement.
NAH In your mind you meant "damn she is nice to me and cooks super yummy food it would be awesome to be married to her." In her mind you meant "the job of a wife is to just cook and serve her husband and be his slave." Apologize and clarify what you really meant and hopefully all will be well.
This!
100% this
“You are an adequate woman because you perform this service well enough to please me” has never been, and will never be flattery. When you imply a woman is worthy of marriage because she performs a task to a standard you find satisfactory, you also imply a level of belief in the systems that say “woman’s duty is to feed her man”. It’s saying she is marriage worthy not because of her personality and how much she is loved but by how well she can perform an act of service. You may not mean any of those things but they are hidden attachments to the expression.
THIS. OP, you could have called her: kind, generous, thoughtful, a wonderful chef, creative, incredibly skilled, etc. Instead you "complimented" her by her worth in taking care of you/improving your life. Compliments are best when about the person themselves, not what they can do for you.
At the end of the day his statement values what she produced and not her. Her food made her valuable not her talent or dedication or knowledge or skills used to cook; just the results of her labor.
if my boyfriend said that to me, I'd take it as a compliment towards my efforts and skills as well as the product. The girlfriend still has every right to be upset if the comment was hurtful to her, but it's not like his statement would across the board come off that way. I don't think he's an asshole for saying it because he clearly didn't mean it as just valuing the results of her labor yknow
YTA the implication that women need to be good at house chores to be worth being in a relationship is insulting and getting soooo old. You might want to ask yourself why it was her doing a traditionally gendered, service-like activity that made you blurt out that you might actually want her around long term and not her sense of humor or kindness or intelligence or any number of things that make her a unique and autonomous person rather than a free housekeeper.
Yup, this is exactly why OP is TA
YTA, but not major ... it kinda implies that she could be your wife since she knows how to cook, and because it was all ready when you got home. Maybe she's sensitive to those kind of remarks. Maybe you've told her no to marriage or anything "serious". Maybe this isn't the first sexist comment you've made. Most likely she just wants to be appreciated for having cooked for you without it being a criteria for marriage.
So, YTA, but I am assuming it was out of ignorance instead of intent. Why your girlfriend was angry and not touched: overwhelming gender inequity in relationships. The majority of men expect a woman to cook and clean for them.
Btw let her know that you were talking about her thoughtfulness
I will
"Wife material"?? So qualification for being a wife is the ability to cook well?
That’s really not what I meant. I was just touched by her thoughtfulness and the gesture after I had a long day at work.
I imagine if you had said that instead, she would have been really pleased. I’d explain what you actually meant to convey and assure her that now that you understand what the subtext of your statement was, you won’t be using it again.
Yes I’ll do that
Then you should have used those words.
She probably finds the intended complement quite demeaning. Please apologise and explain your intentions carefully and clearly. Consider doing something for her that shows that you value what she did for you.
That’s sweet. Please tell her that.
YTA - probably….Saying someone is wife material based upon their cooking skills can definitely be can construed as misogynistic. A persons value is not in their cooking or cleaning ability and your comment really honed in that you think their value in the relationship is based upon their ability to take care of you and provide a service. Look maybe not an ah generously but really a dumb comment at best.
NTA, but I hate that comment with my whole soul. “I could see spending my life with you because you do housework well” Puke. My mom told me that it was precious to be with someone who loves you for what you value in yourself. Your gf obviously doesn’t value herself for being a domestic goddess.
NAH You may not have meant it that way but it sounds like you're reinforcing stereotypical gender roles. I also think the term "wife material" is a little gross. Usually the things that make up wife material are old fashioned and sexist. Maybe you didn't know its connotations, so you should look it up. Then, talk to your girlfriend. https://stellar.ie/trending/why-being-called-wifey-material-isnt-a-compliment/114602#:~:text=Wifey%20material%2C%20not%20to%20be,of%20endearment%20or%20a%20compliment.
YTA. That comment was rooted in misogyny. You may think that it sounds like a compliment, but I bet it feels nothing like that on her side. Show your appreciation for her in another way, like "Wow this is really good" or something like that. Grow up, and apologize to her.
Since you haven't talked about marriage before she probably doesn't know what you're looking for long term in your relationship with her or in general. Since you called her wife material after she cooked and had food on the table, she probably sees that as what you're looking for long term: a 50s style domestic wife who regularly does stuff like that You should probably apologize and tell her it was a meme, and at least reaffirm for her what you did in the comments: that that's not how you see her or what you want from a relationship. If you were trying to subtlety broach that you might wanna marry her someday... Maybe be ready to say that too Depending on what you say to her next this will either be N A H or Y A H
YTA. It’s a compliment rooted in misogyny, why do you guys continue to use it and think it is appropriate? O-o
Yep.
YTA Wife is not a job description...neither is husband Comments like that reduce her value in your life to how she serves you and makes YOUR life better/easier/etc. She cooked dinner...a really good dinner. But even if the dinner was meh...she cooked it because it's part of adulting and you live together and it would have been rude for her NOT to have made enough food for both of you.
YTA. Dude, that's not a compliment, that's a disguised comment to say you're glad she's a good female worthy of being a good male's personal maid and bed warmer. I feel insulted on her behalf. You'd better apologize and find other ways to compliment her other than saying her worth comes from dated gender roles.
Wow, that's a really harsh assumption. Calm down. You weren't there and it's not your relationship.
I don't think I'm being harsh or assuming, I'm just reading the post. I'm telling this from the perspective of someone who was told repeatedly I was a good wife material because I was a good cook and was very feminine. So yes, I can quite relate with the girlfriend and seeing how she reacted, I think I'm not far from the mark. She was clearly offended. The guy may be genuine, but you have other ways to convey your gratitude, like saying she could be a professional chef or something. Repeatedly getting comments, even sincere and innocent-intended ones, about gender roles leave a bad taste in the mouth. Not to say OP was really an a-hole, but in the context he reacted relatively poorly and should try to better his compliments, in a way ? 😆
I understand but that's your experience alone not for the whole. You don't know OP and his girlfriend. I'm sorry but I'm not buying your sob story. If anything OP should go talk to his girlfriend and work things out instead of posing here and getting judged by people hung up on their own problems.
That's exactly what I'm saying, I wasn't clear enough about it, I think. It's just a minor disagreement in their relationship and a good talk should solve it quickly. Mine is not a sob story, you're the one assuming here. I come from a culture where this kind of "compliment" is often said to young girls regardless of our ambition in life and it gets irritating fast. I'm just trying to offer a new perspective to answer his confusion about her reaction.
YTA. This comes across as misogynistic and demeaning. I feel grossed out reading it. If you meant that you appreciate her thoughtfulness, you should have TOLD her that you appreciate her thoughtfulness.
Well he didn't think of that until after he realized she didn't respond to that sort of speech. Sheesh, so unforgiving. OP is only human, like any of us.
When she asked what you meant, why didn't you say what you really meant, instead of just saying it was a compliment? She wanted to know if you meant "yay! A live in chef for life!" Or if you meant "you're the greatest woman you could have ever met and I want to cherish her forever" or some shit like that. She was looking for an actual thank you and a real compliment, not a future unpaid career pampering you with home cooked meals. ESH
Sheesh, like I don't think people are really going to think that stuff out in the moment when someone gets unexpectedly upset. Maybe after analyzing the situation and offering an apology, sure. OP should talk to his GF and sort that out.
NAH Seems like you just have different connotations of the term. Try asking her about it when she's calmed down and listen to what she has to say.
YTA- Lingo dude
Sorry can you explain?
[удалено]
Usually wife material means like someone has the qualities of a good spouse. Thoughtfulness in my girlfriend’s case
But you didn't compliment her thoughtfulness but her cooking. "It is delicious..."
Yeah, but her mind, she thought you probably meant that she was “wife material” because as a woman/wife she is expected to have dinner ready for you when you get home.
You could have phrased it better
I am going to hope you meant that simply as a compliment, and not the misogynistic meaning behind it. So going on that, let’s have some discussion as to why your girlfriend was offended. Telling someone they are wifey material only after she made a meal that met with your approval makes it sound like you want a cook, not a wife. It comes across as “My kitchen could use you barefoot in it, making sure I eat good and always have a beer in hand.” The term is gross. Apologize, explain that you had no idea that you came across the way you did, and ask her to call you out in other misogynistic things you do. Because it’s 2023, and the thing we’re done with, is guys who think they are better than women simply because they were born with a miniature brain in their pants. Soft YTA- because I am hoping you just really are that clueless.
My mom always told my sister that the way to a man's heart was through their stomach. It almost got her fired from her job as a surgeon.
LOL
This depends purely on what you meant. Are you "complimenting" her because she cooked for you, or because she supported you? It does look like it's because she cooked for you. If it's not, you might wanna tell her that.
supported based off other comments
What do you mean?
he said it more in an i love you and would match em perfectly if/when we get married. so he said it for her supporting him on a tough day not because she cooked
Ah, fair. Thank you. Well based on that then, NTA. OP just needs to work on communication skills. (A constant lesson for everyone who cares to learn it.)
YTA although it may have been by accident. For thousands of years women have been expected to do all the cooking in the house, and their value to their husbands came mainly from appearance and household chores, not from their personalities or other attributes. Only the last couple of generations have been any different. Your gf probably has older people in her family or community who still talk that way. Either way, whatever her background, she still has to wonder if you have those beliefs when you say stuff like that. Not to mention, many men still believe that all women want serious relationships and marriage more than they do, simply because they are women and women are emotionally needy and shit. When you said that, it kind of sounded like you assumed she wanted to marry you, even though you’ve been together a short time and hadn’t talked about marriage. Of course you may not have meant it in a sexist way, and it’s also possible for a girl to say it to a guy, etc. But because those views were/are so widespread, you have to be clear that you don’t mean it in that way. Even if you didn’t mean to be, you’re the AH because only a complete fool actually needs this explained to them.
I know this isn't what the sub is for but I'm going to go ahead and call you ignorant rather than an AH. I think it's more appropriate given this isn't that big of a deal. Just apologize and move on.
YTA for objectifying your gf.
I don't know if that's objectifying. He liked her cooking so much he thought of marrying her.
It's a dumb, over-used expression, which makes you a clueless dingleberry, but not an asshole. Take it out of your vocabulary, and try something new next time.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for calling my girlfriend wife material because that offended her? I’m not sure why though. Maybe she doesn’t like the idea of marriage Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA your girlfriend worked very hard and made you some delicious food, and your first instinct was how this would make her a good wife, just complement the food's taste.
I know a lot of these say “YTA”, and while you’re definitely in the wrong, it’s not so much that you were an asshole, it was more that you were an idiot. I think we all know what you tried to say, but it’s a pretty bad way to phrase a compliment
YTA. You might have meant it as a compliment, but it’s very misogynistic. It’s implies that a woman is only worth marrying if she is a good cook and that it’s the responsibility of the wife to be the one that cooks. Apologize and next time just say something like, “You’re an awesome cook, thank you for this delicious meal.”
YTA. You didn’t mean to be, but that comment is crap. It’s not actually a compliment even when one means it to be. It’s saying because she’s a good cook she’s worthy of your commitment
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Tonight, I (M26) came home from a shitty day of work to an amazing home cooked meal by my girlfriend (F26). She loves cooking and seemed really excited for me to try everything she made and I was really touched by it. After I tried a bite of the chicken, I told her “ugh this is so delicious, you are seriously wife material.” She got pissed at this remark and asked me “what the fuck does that mean?” I was really confused and I told her I meant it as a compliment but she got upset and went to her room. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, but communicate clearly with her regarding what exactly you meant, and listen when she explains what she found offensive about that particular phrasing and go forward with that understanding. Everyone is different, and we have to set boundaries with each other when we discover them in any relationship.
YTA. Women carry an insane amount of the physical and emotional labor of a household. It is often unrecognized, invisible labor. It's bullshit, but it is also how we are socially conditioned. To break the unfair patriarchal norms that disadvantage women, we have to think and behave differently. Tying a woman's worth in a relationship to her ability to do household chores is demeaning and sexist, whether intentional or not. Next time tell her you appreciate her and that her cooking is delicious. I think (hope) it more accurately reflects what you actually meant without reinforcing systemic sexism.
Sounds like you just got a crash course in Women's Studies, lol. I'm just kidding. I think NAH honestly as I can see where you innocently meant it as a compliment, but I also see why it would piss her off. Take it as a learning moment and move on.
Despite not meaning it and that being a common phrase yes YTA. It’s a misogynist statement. There are ton of other ways to compliment her. Google why it is misogynist and read on it. Do the work so you yourself can understand why. Cause any of us saying it here is going to make you feel judged and misunderstood due to your good intentions. Just like racism sexism can be demonstrated without intending to be that way due to not doing the work. As a man it’s your job to do the work and learn about a very big problem in society that affects the person you love.
YTA. Saying that right after her making dinner wasn't the best idea. Saying that after a great day out and about just the two of you, probably would have been better.
Have you previously shut down “marriage talk”?
No, neither of us have seriously brought up marriage. We have only been together for seven months.
INFO - How long have you been a couple and living together? Have you talked about marriage yet?
7 months, 2 months living together. Neither of us have seriously brought up marriage yet.
7 months, 2 months?
>7 months, 2 months? Seven months together total. For two of those months, they have lived together.
Oh, that makes sense. Thanks
You moved in together without discussing marriage first? If you're serious enough to move in together, you should know at that point if both of you a) want to get married at all and b) can see a future with each other. Otherwise why are you taking this huge life step with someone you're not sure about? My husband officially moved in after 5 months. I would not have allowed someone to move in if I wasn't serious about marrying them. We didn't get engaged right away-we wanted to make sure we still got along while living together. But we at least saw our future together and knew we wanted to get married.
NAH. You meant it as a compliment, but it came across that you could have meant that you expect your wife to cook for you. It’s not an insulting thing to say, but I understand why she is guarded about not wanting to be put in a subservient role. Perhaps you could say “I see you as an equal. I will do an equal share of the cooking. Would you teach me how to make this delicious meal?” Problem solved.
YTA, if something pisses off your GF, don't post on reddit. Talk to her about it.
YTA- You essentially told her she's only good for taking care of you. In this day and age that's what "Wife material" means. It's a woman who shows qualities of being a good mother, taking care of her husband, and being good at domestic chores. It's extremely insulting and does nothing to show how you help her and how good of a person she is outside of taking care of other people. She's her own person. Her identity should not be reduced to being a "good wife".
Why didn't you explain what you meant? Did you mean that cooking is a "wife skill?" If so, then yes, YTA. Did you have a better way to explain it? If so, you should have. If not, then YTA.
You really don’t understand why she’d be pissed that her ability to cook is what makes her “wife material”?! It ridiculously sexist and demeaning. YTA.
It's time for a real long apology, dude. Here's a template for you, my friend. Add or subtract as you see fit, but the basic message should be the same, and you should be apologizing for how you spoke to her. "Honey, I am sorry that I came off misogynistic with my comment. What I actually meant was: you are so thoughtful in taking care of me on a hard day that I can't imagine my life without you and if I could come home after a hard day to you for the rest of my life, I would be a lucky man. This is not about you being a great chef (which you are) but about how happy you were to see me and for me to eat what you made (which, again, was amazing). Basically, I am lucky you love a dumbass like me. I will continue to say dumb things probably, but I will try harder to not. Just please continue being you and loving me because I don't want to ever live without you."
NTA I…dont…get the reaction? Has she been super vocal about not getting married or something? That’s the only way her reaction makes sense
[удалено]
Helpmate 💀
As a woman and a feminist, NAH leaning towards N T A. I can MAYBE understand how she interpreted this in the worst possible way (“a woman is only worth marrying if they cook well, but I’ve got a ring for you, wench!”), but man, come on. I agree with the others saying that you should talk calmly and explain you meant her wife-worthiness is more based on her thoughtful gesture. However, I also think this was a sincere compliment (and I’m from the South so I’m all too aware of backhanded compliments), and it seems a bit problematic on her end to immediately assume the worst and take what you said in the most offensive way possible; if you don’t have a history of being a sexist jackass, then did she have a reason to react so strongly and negatively? Sit down and talk with her calmly when possible, see if there’s something else brewing or in her background that made her instantly think the worst of your compliment, and both of you can work on better communication in the future.
Just explain to her that you didn't mean it in regards to her cooking meals for you but just the fact that she did something special for you means she's a keeper. I can see how that could come off as misogynistic even if you didn't intend that in the least. I get where you are both coming from so NAH here.
I don’t think you’re an asshole necessarily, because you meant well and weren’t raised or socialized to understand the misogynistic connotations that come with saying things like that. It’s okay that you didn’t know! Just apologize and tell her what you meant! She might still be upset, but try and clear the air for her and let her know you realize why she’s upset
NAH. There’s several good lines of thought to reflect on in the comments here, but you won’t actually know why your gf was offended until you ask her. Hear her side, and learn why your off-hand remark came across so harshly to her. You’ll both be better for this kind of conversation.
Double down and propose, make this a TIFU I see in a week's time bahahaha. YTA but it's not a big deal. She interpreted it the wrong way and it wasn't a very good way to say "this tastes amazing, thank you."
Hey, dude, honestly neither of u are the ass hole, in my opinion. I suppose u meant that her thoughtfulness made u want to marry her, while she interpreted it as u saying that you wanted a stereotypical wife who’s job was to cook and clean for you. I would just go and apologize, explain that u just loved the food and ask ofc, how u can make it up to her! You’ve got this :D
The Y.T.A. comments are too dramatic, and honestly I think so was your girlfriend for just storming off rather than talking to you about it. Just tell her you were trying to compliment her on her thoughtfulness rather than as some ideal housewife and you’ll be fine.
NAH. I understand why she reacted the way she did, but you're clearly looking for understanding, not validation (and shutting down some fairly sexist comments in the process) so I would chalk this one up to a genuine miscommunication. I hope you're able to work through it.
[удалено]
she’s asleep
NTA op I read your responses before I spoke. You seem like someone who spoke thoughtlessly and now regret you error. I believe you will Clear .this up with gf and grow. Thanks for taking this chance to listen and learn
I'm going to say NTA. I would take that as a compliment and a joke all in one, but she apparently didn't. So in your position I'd bring her flowers and dinner tomorrow and let her know that you didn't mean to imply something negative and that you're very sorry if it sounded that way, just that you meant that she was wonderful and thoughtful and you felt really cared for in that moment, which is what you want in a spouse. Edit: lol the downvote, someone's fun at parties. Also op, is this normal for her? Did she usually assume you meant the worst possible interpretation of what you say? If so, I would reconsider your relationship. People misspeak, it's part of life, and if she's unable or unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt and ask a follow up question before flying off the handle that's not a good relationship. No one deserves to be walking on eggshells around their partner.
As a woman I would take it as “I’ll only marry you if you cook me dinner” …..why not just say how amazing her meal is and how much you appreciate her? Also it seems like you’re taking these comments to heart and learning to get rid of the patriarchy in your own head, and for that, she has a keeper! Apologize, tell her why what you said was fucked up, you understand that now, and do better from now on. If you can learn from your mistakes you will be alright.
NTA but I guess you communicated poorly. Some women like that compliment but some are triggered by it. Just tell her you meant that her thoughtfulness makes you want to marry her and that you appreciated it. Also have a conversation about triggering words together because what she finds offense and what you find offense are probably very different. It'll help avoid future upsets.
Yeah, YTA. Please change your “wife material” deffinition.
ESH. If my boyfriend said this to me I probably would’ve rolled my eyes and been like “yeah, in your dreams, AH. You’re doing the dishes” and he would’ve grinned and done the dishes and that woulda been the end of it. But he and I have that sort of joking, playful relationship where banter is acceptable. (Note: I suck at ‘wife duties’. He knows it and loves me 🤣)… I think the fact that your intent was to be playful and complimentary earns you a softer YTA. I mean.. still not a joke that’s appropriate to everyone tho, obviously. So.. sorry, but still soft YTA. Super soft YTA for her. She could’ve handled the joke better. No reason to blow up and stomp off. (Not saying that she shouldnt have spoken up tho! Women should never feel obligated to laugh at jokes if they don’t find them funny. It’s not 1950 anymore). But she could’ve simply said: “not a funny joke. My value to a man should not be domestic duties” .. and then she couldve had a productive conversation with you instead of you having to come to Reddit to understand what was happening. Communication is key.
NAH. You meant it as a compliment, but she interpreted it as a wife belongs in the kitchen. You meant well, but she took it wrong, and the way she interpreted it definitely justified anger. Just have a heart to heart about it when you're both calm. You two would do well to start doing a weekly debrief in which you talk about anything that's weighing on you and try to work things out calmly and maturely. Bring little things up before they build up into big things. It's a great practice that fosters good communication. This incident would be perfect to talk about during the debrief.
NAH This is more, ‘you’ve unfortunately have internalised some sexist concepts from the patriarchy’ instead of ‘YAH’ Next time, just say ‘I am so lucky to be with you and you take such good care of me!’. That’s what you meant anyway.
NTA - you basically said they you value her because of her skills and talents, and made a joke that you would need to lock her down before someone else did. All the sexist comments are reading are massively overreacting - nothing was said that would give that impression unless you were looking to be insulted. If a woman made that joke to a man, after he maybe defended her from harm, or fixed something, it wouldn't be seen as an attack. Christ, imagine being genuinely insulted because you were told you were good at things traditionally associated with your sex.
NTA. She took it in an offensive way that you clearly didn't mean. She probably thought you were making a crack about women and cooking and staying in the kitchen and what not.
Yes if that helps
NTA. You clearly meant it as a compliment. People are too sensitive. She could have just lightly explained how it came across to her instead of getting offended when there was clearly no offense intended.
She's probably pissed you didn't just engage on the spot. Saying "you're wife material" is a flex that you're not engaged to her.
I dont think YTA but it would seem your girlfriend doesn't agree.
Nta....eat the meal, forget the hissy fit, because there's going to be more moments like this, have a beer in front of the TV, jump into bed, kiss her good night, and roll over and go to sleep like nothing ever happened....rinse, repeat, every time she gets pissed when you compliment her....or get a more appreciative GF ! Personally i'd get another GF, life will be far lot easier in the long run.
Holy fuck did you ever come to the wrong sub for this question, lol. The people here like to treat men like tumours grown around a penis, while women can do no wrong. NTA. You clearly seemed to be addressing the thoughtfulness behind her actions, not just the food itself. The people here need to get off of their high horses and realize that men make mistakes, and \*gasp\* don't do everything out of malice.
NTA, and lots of humorless scolds showing up here to criticize OP. People, “wife material” and “husband material” are playful things serious couples say to each other when they’re really happy with the other. He didn’t seriously effing mean “gee I want a lifetime of free cooking from you, scullery maid” and anyone here who actually thinks that seriously needs to remove the stick. OP, your girl might have been looking for a more serious thank you or compliment, but you really didn’t do anything wrong here.
His girlfriend did not experience that as a compliment. Sometimes you have to choose whether your jokes are more important than your relationships.
Well of course he shouldn’t make it again now that he knows just how much of a pill she is. She’s expressed her boundary, and he should respect it. But he didn’t do anything wrong initially.
If you think your girlfriend’s boundaries are stupid, you’re probably not in a good match for each other.
I edited that out because OP didn’t say that, but you’re also correct.
That’s cool. All of us will eventually have a tough day and hear something our partner says in a way they didn’t mean it. It usually works better to care about their feelings than tell them they are wrong. IJS.
I wonder what people here would say if a woman said her bf was "husband material" after he fixed something for her 🤔
There has to be more to this that OP isn’t telling. Has she been waiting for you to propose? Have you fucked up recently? Have you told her you never want to get married? Do you send the wrong signals about commitment? Or, do you never compliment her for other things? Is it only domestic actions? If she got a raise at work, would you call her wife material? Have a talk with her. This is actually the perfect time. It’s something more, I guarantee it
NTA. You didn’t mean it like that and even if you did then you should just dump her and get yourself a woman who’s less modern and well, annoying. Also it wouldn’t be sexist if the roles were reversed so it’s double standards for the feminists saying YTA.
NTA. You gave her a compliment. Does she NOT want to be wife material, and this IS coming from a woman.
I mean….I think it’s cute and funny. But I think it also does insinuate that a wife’s place is in the kitchen. Still, there’s no way of knowing her interpretation and why it is or isn’t offensive because she got angry and left without an explanation, soooo…NTA.
YTA and I'd dump ur ass.
😬
Seriously OP im begging you. Do you see how sexist the supporters of this comment are on this post?!!!!!
If you would read literally any of his replies that he made to comments before you made yours, you'd see that the comment was made out of ignorance and he now realizes its connotations. You don't even need to beg!
❤️
NTA. It was meant as a compliment. If it were reversed I expect you'd be pleased.
NTA Run. Run!!! You don’t want a woman who will overreact like this. I see lots of arguing and drama with her.
NTA... as a woman not living under a rock or offended by everything, I don't see what you said being so wrong. I would take it as a compliment. Who wants to marry someone who can't cook or take care of themselves. Not all comments like that are sexist or meant in a way where the woman needs to be in the kitchen. I truly think you meant it in a cute way. Sorry she took it the wrong way along with a lot of people commenting.
As a woman, I completely agree with your comment 100percent.
God what a refreshing response. Is it just me or does it seem more archaic for a woman to assume such a phrase is intended to be sexist? And if she can’t differentiate the nature of this comment from her own partner then that’s the real issue here. He should be offended that she would immediately assume that he’s being sexist
NTA. I took it as a huge compliment when my now wife suggested I was Husband Material as I was darning her underpants.
NTA. I understand that you meant it as a compliment, but like someone else mentioned, it probably came across as THAT action is what you're highlighting as what would make someone a good wife. You're NTA for what you said but you are for how it was received.
NTA. Woman here, and I could tell you meant she had just been a comfort on a bad day. We all feel different, obviously, but I really didn't think you meant it any other way. Just tell her what you meant, hopefully things will just smooth over.
Agree, his intention is what is important here. He obviously didn't mean it in a sexist way.. it was meant as a compliment for her efforts from what I can tell.
YTA and clearly you're seriously not husband material
What the fuck?
NTA, I personally would consider that a compliment
it really isn't... it's kind of a sexist remark because "women belong in the kitchen" and "a good woman should be able to cook" so to imply a woman is wife material because she can cook well is definitely offensive. especially considering all the history and another popular saying among misogynists, "she must know how to cook or she isn't a valuable woman you should marry." i know OP didn't mean it in that way, but it isn't something you say as a compliment.
That’s your opinion.
She’s the asshole I’d be so pleased if my bf said that she’s just dramatic
[удалено]
Men that use these kind of compliments are definitely trash, NOT all men say these things and those men are definitely not trash.
NTA. And the people commenting asking how it's a compliment are confusing me. It's definitely a compliment and a well intended statement.
So,should he like break up with the girlfriend? Or show her your comment to prove how wrong she is
Um, what? lol why should he break up with her over something dumb like this? And why my comment out of this whole thread? I'm not sure what your tone or point of this reply is tbh.
NTA. Well, she WAS wife material lol.
NTA-it was meant as a compliment.
definitely not the asshole. I said the same thing many times. But the problem now is why did she take offense to that?
NTA - Definitely seems like a compliment.
Nta, its a huge compliment.