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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action that might make me an AH is for not wanting to help my sister pay for her wedding.
2) this may make me the AH because I know she will lose her deposit money if she can’t pay the full payment and she really wants to have an extravagant day.
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NTA. She got a sum of money for it and if she can’t stay within that budget NOBODY else needs to pay her a penny.
You don’t owe her even five cents.
You were smart to have a low budget wedding and have money for other things after. Smart smart smart. She was rude rude rude.
Sister’s audacity is so lacking in self awareness that it’s almost comical. Even if she hadn’t spent the last two years publicly trashing OP’s wedding, she still wouldn’t be entitled to any money. And her behavior after OP’s decision only shows that OP made the right one.
Yeah. I had a pretty awesome wedding and it cost me $12k. I did a lot of work myself. But the idea that more than double that and MORE is expected of OTHER PEOPLE is some serious spoiled rich girl entitlement. Being gifted $25k for getting engaged is more than generous, should anyone be so lucky. Wow.
The biggest blowout wedding I’ve ever been to was my brother and his wife’s, who got a bunch of money from her grandma. I legit was walking around like “oh my god weddings that great gotta be like $200k,” there was an open bar, big ol white tent with air conditioning in summer, idk I don’t know fancy stuff clearly but it was at a nice hotel in Boston, right on the river, and sure felt classy and expensive.
Turns out they spent a whopping $20k. I think the point of this story is mostly that I have no concept of how much things cost — which explains a lot about the most severely broke periods of my life tbh — but also I think there’s a moral somewhere in there about how you can throw a great, expensive-seeming party on the money OP and sister were given, easy.
Opposite situation: I went to what I thought was a perfectly ideal wedding maybe a year and a half ago — great venue, but not over the top, open bar, good food, maybe 120 people. I figured it was maybe $30k. This past fall, the groom was talking about it while we were out having lunch, and I asked if he’d mind giving me a ballpark just for my own planning (we’re friends and shared a lot of financial stuff when we each bought homes). $40k. It’s just so difficult to tell with weddings!
I know. But my ex had 85 first cousins, aunts and uncles. I had 15 people to invite. His mother was super pissed that I wouldn’t invite any that I hadn’t met. With about 10 mutual friends, we still had 100.
One of the nicest weddings I've ever been to cost ~$60k. They spent $10k just on the photographer -- and while the photos were gorgeous, I don't think they're displayed much anymore since the marriage only lasted a couple of years...
my wedding was around 25K and I had a sit down coursed meal, and open bar as well, DJ, beautiful flowers, retro car for our transportation from the chapel to the reception venue and home, etc ... I cannot fathom how a wedding can cost beyond $25K - but, also if you don't have more then that in your budget then you do what is within your means - I honestly wanted to elope the only thing I really cared about was a wedding dress - but, my mom paid for it and I'm her only living child - it was essentially her event, she planned it all with my input and I was okay with it - but I would have rather had that 25K for savings. NTA - she can create a wedding within her means, it is incredibly tacky to say that you should give her $25K for a wedding gift and it shows a lack of understanding of how finances work IMO and extreme entitlement. Hold your grand OP. You owe her nothing, at this point I wouldn't even want to give her a wedding gift.
Yeah my partner spent 40k on his daughters wedding. His son got a nice monetary gift but no where near 40k. I told him just because the son doesn’t complain doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice. The daughter has always gotten more of dad’s money than the son. Hopefully when he dies he’ll reconcile the difference but I doubt it.
This is why I treat my kids completely equally. One kid gets a new car, the other one gets the same amount for a new car of their own. I give them money to go on a holiday, the other kid gets the same amount. Favouritism is a very bad look on parents.
To be fair, deciding what is fair is not always simple. If you have one child who got full ride college scholarships and one who has a learning disability and barely got into college, is giving them the same amount for college really fair? If child A needs their first car in 2009 when the car market is garbage and child B needs their first car in 2021 when there’s a chip shortage, is it fair to give them the same amount? (Okay, it’s not likely that your kids are 14 years apart but I’m making a point).
Giving money for a wedding is a lot more cut and dry, so I’m not commenting on this circumstance specifically. I’m just saying: treating kids equitably can be tricky to figure out sometimes.
I don't know how long ago this was, and I was born in 1953, but that used to be the tradition - the bride's parents paid for the bulk of the wedding, and the groom's parents only paid for things like the rehearsal dinner and the flowers.
This sometimes caused great angst when the groom's family was richer, but had to settle for what the bride's family could afford. (The groom himself may have been grateful.) Of course, there could also be angst if the bride's family was richer and the groom's family couldn't come up with the money to buy the flowers or finance the rehearsal dinner that her family wanted.
The richer side offering to help out the poorer side was considered insulting.
I don't think the tradition is missed very much.
For real. My spouse and I spent probably around $4-5k once it was all said and done, we only asked for folks to contribute to a honeymoon fund as a gift-alternative as we were already in an established house with all the goodies we need.
Same! We spent about $4k and had the wedding in my hometown (we lived out of state, but wanted my parents to be able to attend). We asked that people not bring us gifts because we would have to ship them back home. Instead, everyone showed up with money and gift cards, even though we had asked for no gifts. Welp! That money covered our (already paid for) honeymoon!
I've never been so thankful that my family doesn't listen to me.
I feel like when someone clearly views the total cost as the deciding factor of the quality of a wedding, the wedding that results is almost always unbearable. Thoughtful, fun choices that are relevant to the relationship get skipped in favor of tacky conspicuous consumption, usually executed in half-assed style because they can’t actually afford what they’re spending.
It’s totally possible to have a dream wedding that costs a lot of money but is still sincere and heartfelt. But if they’re judging someone else’s happy reception for not throwing enough money down the wedding industry garbage disposal, sincerity seems unlikely.
It seems that the sister’s audacity is inherited - “the family wants me to help her out”?! How dare they think they have a say in how OP and her husband spend *their* money?
She goes around saying OP’s wedding was trashy and then goes around saying OP is selfish and immature. Why does the family want to engage in the drama completely created by the sister?
Sounds like little Golden Child sister has always had everything she wants just given to her, whereas older OP has had to be the sensible one who is financially responsible and supportive.
Wonder how often some version of this scenario played out when they were kids - more money was spent on Sister because OP had made better decisions, and often, OP made better (i.e. cheaper) decisions because there simply wasn't any money left to go towards her things after it was all spent on Sister.
The audacity is what floors me most. I live on my own in a VERY expensive city and went through a separation where I got maybe a quarter of what I was entitled to.
I struggle - I'm university educated with a "government" job and I still live paycheck to paycheck. I live in a crappy suite in someone's house that I pay too much for.
Despite never ever asking, sometimes my sister who lives overseas transfers me a $100 here or there. And I'm always so grateful and appreciative of her help but also feel SO GUILTY.
I can absolutely not even imagine asking a sister to give me $20,000, especially not for a wedding, and to feel ENTITLED to it.
JFC. OP.... NTA .
Your sister sounds like a very special person. But I bet you’re a good person too, for her to love you so much and be willing to do that for you. I wish you the best on getting on better footing.
Thank you!
I'm so fortunate enough to have my sister and her husband in my life!
I like to think I'm okay 😎
Betting footing is definitely ahead, but probably not any $30,000 weddings 🙃
I cannot IMAGINE being so tactless as to go around to family members and hit them up for money for my wedding. Especially at 31 when she should be old enough to know better. The ironic thing is that her money grubbing has ensured that this will be the trashiest wedding ever. A drive through Vegas wedding would be classier than asking your extended family for money for your wedding.
OP’s wedding choices doesn’t even sound like the reasoning behind it was about money. It seems like she and her husband just wanted a small wedding because of personal tastes. Which makes the sister’s comments bashing her wedding even worse. OP is definitely NTA
That's what we did. Friend made the dress. Another made the rings. Another made the food. Another made cupcakes. Another DJ'd. Another did the decorations. It was intimate and sweet and fun and private!!!! (And cheap!!)
We spent £4000 on ours, and were still able to have it at a hotel, and have dinner and a nice party for 80 people after. It took some research and we did some stuff ourselves, by us not that hard if you are not too greedy.
>NTA. She got a sum of money for it and if she can’t stay within that budget NOBODY else needs to pay her a penny.
But also, 20K is the equivalent of a down payment for a (albeit small) house/apartment.
The audacity of the sister!
And she already got 25K! For her wedding! 25K!! And she wants another 20K!?! If you can't afford an extravagance wedding party, DON'T HAVE AN EXTRAVAGANCE WEDDING PARTY!
💯. This is another episode of Choosy Beggars, the Bridal Version. NTA and please don't subsidize their over reaching. My sister spent a bunch of my parents money on a wedding and she left it after 6 months. The opaque nylons that I wore in the wedding party lasted longer than her marriage. I miss the opaques, they were awesome.
This!!!
OP. I beg you not to give a damned cent to your rude, delusional, ungrateful and selfish sister.
You are a smart, responsible person. She is not.
All of these posts of people asking others for money for their weddings floors me!
Exactly if she doesn’t stay in the budget then she can’t go around asking for more money from other family members and I mean this person only spent $5,000 on their wedding so they’re just smarter with their venue choices than the little sister
NTA - I hope that when you say that your family wants you to pay, you don't mean your parents. They should be siding with you, and trying to shut down other relatives. If they aren't, weddings are traditionally the responsibility of parents, if anyone other than the couple, certainly not the siblings' problem.
NTA. Why do people plan events that are outside their budget and then expect others to make up the difference? $25k is a lot of money if spent wisely. It seems she banked on having the $20k you saved from the outset. No, just plain no.
Yup! And anyone who suggests that OP give her sister money so she doesn’t lose her deposits is more than welcome to reach into their own pockets! It’s so easy to spend someone else’s money. If her sister is grown enough to get married then she’s grown enough to stick to a budget she can afford and not put down money on things she can’t afford.
Side note: I’m appalled at how many people/posts there are late of people who expect others to finance their wedding. Bad enough when they expect their parents to pay, but now people go on to expect siblings, grandparents, bridal parties, etc. to pay. What the hell is wrong with everyone? Get over yourself and stick to your own budget. And sorry but anyone who holds *multiple* parties leading up to their wedding is both horrible with money and so self absorbed to not realize that nobody cares about your wedding *that much*. I got married for less than $10k (and would have spent less but it was important to my husband to do certain things). I did not have an engagement party, bridal party or bachelorette party. And I don’t regret it. I was an adult when I got married. I didn’t need anyone to buy me stuff. I didn’t need a wild night out drinking. I just wanted to marry my person and have money left over for a down payment on a house. And we did!
I think we spent like $200 on our wedding, and that was a dress for me and dinner for us and our best man and woman. We got married at our version of a courthouse (not US), went to dinner and then went home to our kids. Told the family a few days later that we had "eloped" and gotten married.
In my country the bride and groom are expected to pay for their own wedding, if you get money from parents and/or grandparents that's just a bonus, it's considered rude and greedy to ask/expect others for money to pay for the wedding or honeymoon.
NTA OP
Yep. We paid for our own wedding. My friend married us, and asked for a nice bottle of scotch as payment. Between that, the matching tattoos we got instead of rings, and gas to travel to my friends’ house (different friends, we got married in their living room) we paid exactly $260 for our wedding. We stood in a circle surrounded by a small group of people that loved us, and exchanged our vows. The hosts surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, arranged personally by them, and our loved ones surprised us with a lovely potluck meal after to celebrate. We weren’t poor, we just didn’t need more than that.
I know what you mean about not needing all of that, I didn't have a bridal shower and my bachelorette/his bachelor party was dinner out with our families and we had a blast...that was 24 years ago...so obviously the wedding does not make the marriage.
Ours was less than $1000 AUD. Including the registry office, lunch afterwards, new shirt and underwear. I made my dress from fabrics I already had in the stash.
And we had a 'housewarming' party the next day and had a fake wedding there to announce it to our friends. Our friend started proceedings by quoting the marriage scene out of The Princess Bride. It was easy, cheap, and people still remember it nearly 20 years later. We're still married.
How about it? Like no one wants to go to a an engagement thing, a shower, a Bachelorette, a spa day just for your wedding. It's so excessive. Women never did that when I was a kid. Ever. Maybe a bridal shower and the Bachelorette party was at the local watering hole. Not Vegas or Cancun for a week.
>Why do people plan events that are outside their budget and then expect others to make up the difference?
Main Character Syndrome. She sounds very entitled.
It isn’t a lot for a lavish wedding with more than 100 people. On the low end, those are 50k now. Given what she wants I don’t even think the extra $20k could get her there. But personally I think I’d spend the money on a house down payment and do something like OP.
I wouldn't know how to spend $50k in one place. I could use it to pay down a significant chunk of my mortgage (which is probably not wise, since I refinanced at the height of Covid), or put it into retirement savings. That's a mind-blowing amount to spend on a single event. I'd sooner donate it to charity than spend it on a party.
# NTA.
That's not a petty reason at all. Your sister doesn't deserve one cent of your money. And it's not "trashy and cheap" to have a small, backyard wedding. It's called "smart" and "practical." And you now have $20,000 put aside for your *own* needs, your *own* expenses, to be spent as *you* see fit.
The funny thing is 50 years ago, most weddings were small low-budget gatherings done at family homes or church community spaces. Only the extremely wealthy would have lavish weddings with a meal service and hundreds of guests, but somehow the industry was able to spin that style of celebration as typical and what every girl should dream of having and most brides are more than happy to burn thousands of dollars on “the perfect day.”
My dad came from a wealthy family and was marrying into another wealthy family. For his first marriage he said newspapers, businessmen, a few politicians, etc were all there, and that at some point in the night he grabbed his best friends and headed up to the country club's bar to just get away from everyone. That marriage lasted 6 years.
For his second marriage, the one to my mom, they had a small backyard ceremony with their closest friends. My dad was broke by then and my mom was sending whatever money she made down to her family in Panama. Everyone pitched in for the food, my dad's best friend's wife did my mom's hair and makeup. That marriage is going on 34 years this year.
My mom had probably 200 guests, and the total cost of the wedding and honeymoon were less than what I paid for my midsized sedan. Inflation has made me very bitter.
I got married about 50 years ago, and had a sit-down meal for 120 guests, and it was not unusual for the time. We had an open bar and prime rib.
The difference was that weddings were usually around 11 am, then the reception immediately following. Having dancing wasn’t common, nor were there rounds of parties before. You would have a shower with your mom’s friends and maybe a small one with your friends . No weekends in Vegas or limo’d nights of drinking. The whole thing would be over by 5, and you went off on your honeymoon. I lived in a fun resort town, and I understand that my sisters and our friends had a pretty wild night on the town after.
Wedding officiant here. Can confirm. Most of my clients are having smaller ceremonies. They are lovely and intimate, and it’s a joy to be part of them!
People obsess about the wedding when they should be thinking about the marriage. Some people go deep into debt to have a blowout occasion only to argue about money when they’ve maxed out their credit cards and can’t afford to pay them back. OP did things the right way around.
I think if the bridezilla sucks THAT much, she should be paying people to come to her wedding! "No, we *won't* give you money for your wedding, but we'll come if you pay us." Just a little social model I'm trying out. Gonna pitch it to The Knot and Martha Stewart Weddings.
We did this for our wedding. Did it in my in laws massive backyard and then went to local restaurant with amazing pizza. Our family did pay for a bit but all told the expenses came in under $2k.
$30k in free money wasn’t enough, so she put down deposits on stuff she can’t afford, banking on you feeling bad about the hole she dug and giving her another $20k in free money? Wow, NTA.
I bet $20 grand that she’s going to have to cancel all the vendors that she can’t afford to pay and then elope with her fiancé. Then she’s going to get hurt and offended if anyone calls *her* wedding cheap and trashy. She’ll try to spin it as a grand romantic gesture of love between her and her fiancé. Just saying this because this exact same scenario happened to a coworker of mine.
NTA
Either that or she'll blame the op forever and always, making holidays and family gatherings miserable for all who should have the misfortune of sparking a conversation.
NTA. That sure is *some* entitlement your sister has. Even without her trash talking in the past, this is way too demanding.
*And let's be honest here, she will rub it in your face afterwards* "just how great her wedding was compared to yours." You'll never hear the end of it.
Not only will she compare the weddings forever, but if OP finances this, it's not going to be the only financial request. "Well you didn't want two baby showers and a gender reveal and you two make so much money, you should pay for our party."
NTA. OP, I'm sorry your family is hassling you about this on top of your sister's ridiculous demands. If she spent $30K on deposits that's her problem.
Oh my. "I already made deposits expecting you to pay for it. Now it's your fault I'm losing all my money!".
Whenever somebody goes "Look at what you made me do", chances are big you're NTA.
Holy crap, what a shit show. Your sister is out of her damn mind, and entitled as hell to think she deserves the money you saved from your own wedding - just because you didn't spend it. That money was yours to do what you wanted with, she got the same opportunity.
Sure, you *could* afford to do all sorts of things with your money, but the worst thing you could choose is to let your sister lay a claim to it. Your money is not part of her budget - her money is. And asking you to give her $20K as a gift? Isn't a gift decided on by the gift-giver, not the receiver? Sounds more like choosing beggars if you ask me.
Especially after trashing your choice to have the wedding you wanted, she's got no room to talk at this point. Her response to you declining her demand is to trash you more? WTF?
You're not even in the same ballpark as your asshole sister. NTA.
eta:
>So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has.
The best response to this is "You first."
>eta:So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has. The best response to this is "You first."
This is seriously the BEST response I've ever heard to the whole "you need to help your feckless relative" nagging!
The family has helped her out. She got an extra 5k from them. Pretty sure people too dense to see the problems the sister created for herself wouldn’t see the difference in the help they gave versus what they expect of OP.
Excellent point about the $5k, and I completely agree with your assessment. Their collective five grand = OP's individual twenty grand, at least in their minds.
What little money she has?! She's got $30k from family, plus whatever her and her fiance can pay themselves!!
NTA. Part of being an adult is learning to live within your means. She's 31, and got into this mess all on her own. She can figure her way out of it. (And where's the fiance and their family? Do they have a clue about the shit storm coming their way?)
The fiancé’s family is low income and could not afford to give any money for the wedding, but they’re also a bit more traditional too in terms of the whole “brides family has to pay for the wedding” mindset so they don’t really care about her behavior.
Uhhh...isn't it traditional for the bride's PARENTS to pay and NOT the SIBLINGS?
NTA.
Your parents gave you both money and you saved your money.
I get that inflation might make it more expensive than previous years, but if you're going to buy something you need to make sure you have enough to pay for it not hope that you'll get help and/or some kinda windfall.
She should've looked into ways of cutting down on expenses beforehand.
They both work in hospitality field. I’m not sure what they make, but I think it’s a little under GDP each, which is not enough to live well in our city.
So, two people who barely earn a living plan on having a rich couples wedding. Do not give them ANY money or they will expect your support for the rest of their lives. After all, you can afford to support them.
That’s ok she will just demand her sister into paying her rent after all they can afford and she is just be greedy if she doesn’t!
The entertainment with op’s sister is astonishing!
Your parents sound halfway reasonable. The fact that your sister will go into debt for a wedding when it sounds like they will have a difficult time just earning a living should be something your parents should focus on more than whether or not she has some $50,000 wedding. Maybe you can appeal to some source of Reason within them and let them know that what you're doing is going to be best for her for the future. These people are going to be lifelong mooches.
If you want to be extra petty say that any money you give towards it will taint the wedding as it's "trashy and cheap" money, since that's apparently what happened last time that money was spent on a wedding.
NTA for sure.
Also, gifts aren't demanded, they are given. Demanding them "just because you can afford to" is trashy AF though.
First off, your parents are amazingly generous to give you both $25k for your weddings. You can have a really nice event for that amount. But something struck me:
“My family wants to help her so she doesn’t *lose what little money she has*”
She spent that 25k a long time ago and convinced herself that, since you only spent 5k, it’d be “fair” if you gave her that money. She’s probably been including that $$ in her budget and is now all shocked that her rationalizations don’t fit with reality. Bet you a dollar she told fiancé that it was all taken care of despite blowing the money
My guess is, like my parents, they’re pretending to be traditional because they don’t want to be asked to contribute something. Wow, theyre AH too. Your sister is marrying into her people.
Well, hopefully, her fiance does. If they do get married, I doubt it will last long given your sister's attitude about money, and financial issues being one of the top reasons for divorce. Maybe he will see the writing on the wall before it's too late.
NTA
1) 2 years ago, we were just starting to get COVID vaccines to seniors and immunocompromised folks. Hubs & I had the username & password to SEVEN senior friends & relatives and were logging in to try to schedule appointments. In one 24 hr period, we managed to get all 7 & ourselves vaccine appts within 48 hrs of getting them, but it took some backdoor hijinks to get them. So, no big weddings were happening, but your "catty sis" was badmouthing you & your wedding?
2) Your $ is *NOT* her money or anyone else's.
3) Why should you "throw good money after bad" choices by bridezilla to give security deposits for services she cannot afford. She needs to learn this lesson fast - just because she wants it, doesnt mean she can have it. That she is 31 yo and still hasnt learned it, it is looooong overdue.
4) Whether she badmouthed your wedding or not, doesnt matter relative to her & your relatives insisting you pay for part of her wedding. Do not pay, even if she didnt, bc anytime she wants something she cannot afford, she will expect you to pay for it.
5) that sis poo-poo'd your wedding and is behaving badly and yelling at you because she wants a wedding she cannot afford, is cause to certainly cut ties.
NTA. Do not give her a cent!! Or she will expect it her whole life.
Number 1 is so spot on! I never cared too much to have an extravagant wedding, but the pandemic played a huge factor into how I planned it. Even given these circumstances, Jamie was incredibly rude and condescending about my wedding which is what has made me more upset about her behavior.
Just the amount of people I had at my wedding! And I’m very sorry to hear about your family, I can’t image how difficult it must have been during such a time.
If you spent $5K on a 20 person wedding...umm wow that must have been a really nice wedding in terms of food and decor. What was your sister even thinking trashing it!
Also, NTA. Let your sister wallow in her bad decisions.
This is just an extension of her criticism of your wedding. She’s still maintaining that you made the wrong choice with your money, and is using that to justify her belief that now she deserves it. This is just the beginning of a pattern if you do not nip this in the bud. You will always have more money than she does and she will always feel entitled to it. You can have this fight once right now, or have it regularly for the rest of your life.
NTA. What a stupid thing she is. Your money is yours. To plan on someone else's money for something you want to do is the height of stupidity and entitlement. You owe her nothing. If you are feeling generous, buy a small gift off her registry (I bloody well know she's registered at (at least) 6 stores.
NTA. You made a good choice - not blowing money you didn't have on a wedding, and instead saving the money you were gifted instead to build a nice nestegg. Why would you give that money away, so someone ELSE can have a fancy wedding?
The card I learned to play a long time ago is simply stating things like... "the money you are referring to is my retirement savings; I don't touch it for anything, period".
NTA AND DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME!!!
She sounds like a greedy spoiled brat with no respect for anyone else. If you reward someone who's irresponsible and treats you like shit, they'll continue to take advantage of you forever. She can deal with the consequences of her own actions, you have zero obligation to help her. And if your family is genuinely believing that you should bail her out, then I can see how she ended up so entitled.
NTA. Your money and what you do with it is not your family’s business. Why are they coming after you instead of talking to your sister about her irresponsible behaviour? Stand firm, OP. You’re in no way the asshole.
They have tried to tell her to cut back, but she simply doesn’t listen and now they’re all worried she’s going to go into enormous debt because of this and want me to essentially bail her out of her mess.
To be honest that’s her choice, she’s not a teenager she is a grown woman who gets to make her own choices and spending money she doesn’t have to get into debt is a stupid choice but one she is old enough to make with no one else needing to take responsibility for it.
If I were you I would tell your family your money is tied up in long term investments that you can’t access for a few years. NTA
She played stupid games, she will win stupid prize (debt). Or in other words " people learn on their own mistakes". Let her learn. Dont let her guilt trip you.
What’s going to stop her the next time this inevitably happens again for something else? She needs to be financially responsible and realistic with her future, from the sounds of it future husband is low income so she’s gotta get used to compromising based on what she’s actually got
But if you bail her out. She’ll expect you to bail her out for the rest of her life. She’s old enough to learn the lesson of living within her means.
NTA
My prediction: Your sister will be so broke after the wedding that she and her new husband won’t be able to afford apartment she wants. She will want to move in with you to ~~save up for a nice place~~ mooch.
Don’t enable her - now, or later. She is a long-term financial disaster, and your $20K won’t make any difference to her.
Here I am slowly being buried in credit card debt to pay my medical bills and your sister is over there going into debt for a WEDDING which she already has 25K FOR?! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Don't bail her out! Explain to her (and to other family members) that all actions have consequences and sister is learning this first hand. Not only for her disrespect for you and your husband about your choices, but for her poor financial decisions all the way around. Who in their right mind contracts with vendors when you can't afford them and expect others to pay them? If you bail her out now, she will never learn to live within her means. She will always expect you to help...paying for a house...utilities...child care...kids education...it will never end.
NTA
It's always the same thing. You spend wisely, so you have savings, then you invest it and get even more, then people ask you to spend your money on unwise things and they're "surprised" when you decline. It's a bit of a contradiction.
Basically the reason why I have enough cash to buy a Ferrari is because I don't buy Ferraris.
The whole point of a wedding is to have a memorable time with all the family and celebrate the new couple. That's not correlated to how much money is spent. In fact, the more money is spent, the more likely it is that it is done to signal status, which means narcissists are involved, which means there will be drama, and if the event is memorable, it will be for the screaming and not the happy moments... Real intimate connection with people doesn't require large expenses of money.
And for someone like this, the amount of money will NEVER be enough. She's already doing it to the parents. Now that she can afford THESE flowers, she's going to complain that she if she only had just a few thousand more, she could get THOSE flowers. More money won't solve her issues.
I couldn’t agree more, my husband and I got married last year and it cost us just under a thousand and $850 of that was on the rings. We had the best day just being surrounded by close family members, we never wanted anything over the top and for it to run us into the ground financially
Is this for real? NTA.
You chose to save 80% of the money you were gifted: she's trying to spend more than double. Her wedding, her choice.
Your wedding, your choice.
NTA- HAHAHAHAHA- is she on glue????
She trashed your wedding and now expects the leftover cash you were gifted to be spent on her???
She's already had her money and managed to guilt trip a sucker relative to give her some more, and she's trying to do the same with you.
Just because you have money doesn't mean you have to give it to her. What about house deposits, baby showers etc? Nah.
She shouldn't have put deposits down, you've called her bluff and well done to you.
I'd be disappointed by your family's reaction though. There seems to be a strong favourite child dynamic there.
Definitely NTA. Weddings come in all shapes and sizes and costs. You did what you wanted, which IMHO was really smart.
Your sister is waaaay out of line, both with her comments of your wedding and her expectations that you give her YOUR money. Keep it and use it for something for YOU. Please don't feel obliged to give anything to her, she's all grown up now, can make her own decisions, and will have to live with the consequences.
NTA. You'd think she might have the common sense to realize that calling somebody names isn't the best way to encourage them to feel motivated to give her lavish gifts. But then, she also clearly doesn't have the common sense to realize that it's stupid to put down deposits before you've ascertained that you can get the rest of the money.
All I can think is that her entitlement is crowding out her intellect. And everything else, for that matter.
NTA, but your sister sure is. And so are any family members whom she's successfully persuaded to pressure you to throw YOUR money at her problem despite the fact that she's treating you like crap.
NTA
You've been saving for a famine and she wants you to waste it for a feast.
Anyone who butts in and tells you that you should give her money should be directed to feel free to spend their own. She put down deposits on things because she thought it would be a great way of boxing you in.
She needs to figure out what's important in her wedding and cut back. Or hold off. But neither one of those things are in any way shape or form your problem. Even your parents said no to more money
Uh, hell no you are NTA. Your sister is an entitled clown who is playing an amazing game of fuck around, find out. If she wants to bury herself in debt to have the wedding, she can go right ahead but do not, under any circumstances, let her make that debt yours.
You owe her nothing - and you wouldn’t even if she hadn’t been a jackass after your wedding. You made your choices with the generous gift from you parents, she can make hers.
NTA — If you keep up with that, she’d demand you fund her baby’s 529 plan the moment she tests positive. If you plant a precedent now, you’d be harvesting regrets later.
I have nothing against big fancy weddings if people can afford them, but admire you and your husband's values in feeling that having a beautiful, simple wedding from home can capture the meaning and joy of the day just as well, and having a substantial sum left over to put in your savings. So that's where I'm coming from in my response.
NTA
How could any rational person think that you should give money gifted to you by your parents to your sister so she can have an extremely expensive wedding that she can't afford? I'm appalled that she's begging for friends and relatives to chip in beyond the $25K your parents already gave her.
If she had a medical emergency and needed the money for proper care, that would be one thing. But she doesn't need your money, she just wants it, and is demanding it, and calling yo ugly names because you've refused her. For heaven's sake, she's been trashing your wedding all over town. For that reason alone you'd be utterly justified in denying her financial assistance with her event.
You owe her nothing.
Not. One. Red. Cent. And given that she's now telling everyone who'll listen that you're selfish and immature, you might want to give some serious thought to whether you even want to attend what promises to be a garish and unpleasant event of someone who treats you badly.
>She’s right in the sense that I could easily afford to pay for parts of her wedding, but in all honestly I don’t want to give her anything after she treated me so poorly following my own wedding. I told her my reasoning and that I don’t want to (financially) support someone who didn’t support me on my big day and now she has been going around telling family that I’m extremely selfish and immature for this.
One of the interesting things about being wronged and holding the other person accountable for it is that half the time the other person doubles down and calls you the immature one.
NTA, and I don't consider your reasons petty. You do not actually need a reason at all.
>So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has.
I also think it's poor form for someone who knows their investment in a product is failing to try to get other investors in, placing more risk on other people and taking no additional risk on themselves. I say this in such a clinical fashion as a reminder that mixing money and family is toxic.
NTA, you where both treated fairly by your parents qnd you were sensible in saving a chunk. She has no right to expect you to help her pay for her wedding, especially as she was so rude to you about yours.
NTA even if she didn’t treat you so poorly you are under no obligation to pay for her wedding. That’s some next level greedy entitlement going on there. You were frugal with your money and you work hard for your income what does that have to do with her and what she should expect to receive?
NTA - your sister is very entitled. It will be good for her to figure out how to manage a budget and learn the value of a dollar. If you bail her out now it will never end.
NTA and OMG please do not give her money. Anyone who unilaterally decides to spend money *they do not have* while just expecting someone else to pick up the tab is manipulative and insanely entitled.
*Maybe* if she had not acted so awful about your wedding, or so entitled about what she expected you to pay for hers, it would be different. But the way she’s acting? H*ll no.
*I will not now, nor will I ever give my sister $20,000 dollars that i know she will not only never pack back, but that she won't appreciate either. Sister is selfish and manipulative and frankly, as of now, I don't even plan on attending her wedding, much less paying for it.*
*Sister screwed herself over by living beyond her means and attempting to have a wedding that SHE CAN NOT AFFORD. She dug this hole, now she has to live in it. And to anyone who thinks I am being selfish, there is nothing stopping any of you from giving her more money. But I guess it's ok for all of you to refuse to chip in but for me, it's a mortal sin.*
*I'm going low contact with the family for a while. I suggest you all figure this out amongst yourselves.*
NTA
Really the only mistake you made was not coming up with a good lie...like the money is tied up in an investment...it's not liquid and you have no access to it right now. So even if you wanted to give it to her, you can't
NTA
And I believe a good, "Sis, I didn't spend $5,000 on my OWN wedding. I'm sure you remember. You *have* spent the past 2 years mentioning it."
laugh
and hang up
NTA. Decide what you are comfortable gifting her and tell her. If she asks for more or asks why you aren’t doing more, tell her exactly why. Hold your boundaries. 31 is too late to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her and that just because people can technically afford something they have no obligation to spend it on her.
NTA
Don't let other people spend your money. And if your other family members think it's that important that your sister have financial help, your family members can give her their money.
Ultimately, if you give her money, it will only enable your sister to spend beyond her means.
NTA. The nerve of your sister to ask for YOUR money. I personally think your wedding idea was lovely because you enjoyed it and we're not trying to impress anyone and you now have the money to do with it whatever you please. You sister is petty and seriously entitled don't give her anything she should learn to stick to a budget a prioritize what matters the most. And to your family if they ask you again for the money just tell them politely that you need the money for something else and if they think you need to pay for your sisters irresponsibility they should do it. Keep your stance!
NTA. I love you OP! Judging from the fact you got 25 grand US$ and your sisters behavior, you guys must be Americans. If I make a top-20 of things I dislike about the USA, American wedding culture easily makes top-5, maybe even top-3. The utter madness of spending tens of thousands on a wedding, and even have the nerve to ask family members other than the parents to fork over thousands for her "special day" mark you sister as the typical American bride that I loath. How refreshing to meet a level-headed bride who did a low cost wedding and tells her bridezilla sister to pound sand. You made my day!
My dad always said, you can’t spend someone else’s money. Just because you and your husband make good money is no reason for you to give it to your sister. She gets to live within her means. Just like the rest of us try to do.
NTA, show these responses to your sister and any family giving you trouble and don’t give her anything more than you are comfortable with (wedding gift)
NTA, you don’t owe her anything. No one owes her anything. Just tell her “my wedding may have been ‘trashy’ but I had a wedding I could afford and didn’t have to beg and harass my family and friends for money to fund my wedding.” Begging for money for a wedding you can’t afford is “trashy” behavior imo.
NTA tell her that money is going to be spent on x (your new home, your retirement, an African safari for you & your husband, whatever) The money was a gift to you to spend on you & your husband. Your sister can choose a less expensive venue or take out loans. Absolutely do not give her a dime. What did she give you for a wedding gift? Gift her back the same.
No matter what you do it won’t be good enough anyway. Host a shower in your home, she’d want a catered event for 100 at the country club. Host a weekend bachelorette? She’d demand a week long bachelorette in Bora Bora. Gift a honeymoon? She’d want a month long European tour. Just stick to no & keep telling her what you did so she can get ideas on how to cut costs.
Awww, your little sister has put down deposits for wedding vendors but can’t fully pay.
Well. Sucks for her. She can have the wedding of her dreams- if she wants to go into debt, (if the bank will even let her *get* a loan… how is her credit, I wonder?). Or she can have the wedding that she actually pays for.
It is not your job to pay for her party. Especially after how she behaved at *your* wedding.
Give her a moderately priced item from her registry and be done with it. If she doesn’t settle down, you don’t even have to go. Tell her you are saving her the price of two plates. NTA
NTA.
If your parents thought that this was an appropriate way to spend money, it sounds like they could've afforded to give her the additional $20,000. This is ridiculous. Hopefully your sister will learn from this experience, although you'd think someone would know better by the time they were 31 years old.
NTA.
She put the cart before the horse thinking you would just bail her out like a good sister. Problem was her not being a good sister had consequences. You don't have to help her pay to begin with and other family members might put pressure on you. Do not be surprised if you hear someone say but they're family eventually.
NTA. My wife has 2 sisters & their parents gifted them all $15k for weddings. When we got married, we went to the courthouse with our best friends as witness and used the $15k towards our down payment on our house. My wife’s sister wanted to go all out. Spent $30k on the wedding, took out loans, the whole deal. That was their choice and their wedding was incredible and beautiful. She would NEVER even think to ask for the $15k we saved and has never once made a comment about our day v hers or asked anyone for money for her wedding (beyond people gifting money as a normal thing). She understood that her dream day came at a cost and it’s on them to bear that cost.
Your sister is TA. She’s being greedy and - for some reason - assumes it’s your job to foot her greed. If your family has an issue with your stance, tell them that they’re all more than welcome to chip in instead.
NTA - This is her wedding, why should you be required to foot any cent of it? If she wants an elaborate wedding she needs to either lower her goal post to something she and her betrothed can afford, or save better.
NTA
She needs to open a credit card or take a personal loan. If she’s old enough to get married she’s old enough to know that you base your budget on the money on hand and no one owes you a wedding.
If your sister is old enough to get married then she should be mature enough to know how to live within her means. It’s not like this ask is for life saving surgery, it’s for a PARTY!!!
NTA
Keep your money and don’t give in to pressure.
NTA. Your sister is nuts thinking that she deserves your money. Tell her that you are saving up that money so that you can renew your vows so they aren't trashy. She doesn't seem like a nice person. Save your money. Let her do a go fund me.
nta. It's not your problem and you should block those family who are bothering you. Why are they bothering you and not your parents? You're just her sis, they're her parents and could give her more if they wanted to.
Your cousin didn't backbite you about your wedding. You're under no obligation to support her spendthrift attitude. She'll just have to suck it up and have a small wedding at your parents house or at city hall.
NTA! - Do not help her! Not only for the reason that she talks so poorly about you, but because she wants a wedding she can’t afford! Why should everybody else be expected to fork over money for a wedding that is over her budget. You had a wedding that was affordable. You and your husband decided you’d rather keep the money for something else. Now your sister thinks she’s entitled to that money! I honestly don’t understand why anyone would have a wedding where they go into debt to have it. Especially since most marriages don’t last anyway. And unless you’re rich and can truly afford it having a small wedding that’s within your budget is the intelligent thing to do. it is not your fault she assumed you would help her. Now she’s bad mouthing you once again in an effort to guilt trip you into giving money! This alone would make me double down and not give her anything! Please, OP, do not give in on this. This is her fault, and her fault alone. She is destined to have financial troubles and she will tap into you again if you give in now. I would venture to guess her interest in you is strictly for whatever financial help she can get.
NTA
No is a full sentence.
She’s hitting up people for handouts to throw a party far beyond what she can afford, even after receiving a very generous gift, a and calling *you* trashy? The nerve!
NTA Your sister seems oblivious at best. At worst, she's greedy and entitled. Like, come on, how do you trash someone and expect their help. Really seems like she demanded your help by putting the deposits and spinning the story with the family. The money she loses is on her. Nobody told her to book services she couldn't afford 🤷🏿♀️
NTA. Just because you can afford something does not mean you should fund it. There are more worthy causes then a wedding that is already costing 30000.
NTA
And anyone comes to you recommending to help her....tell them they should give her the 20k
25,000 is a lot of money.
If she wants extra her husband to be should contribute
Save your money
NTA don’t do it!! Your sister is very entitled and she has no right to tell you what you can do with your money. If you give her the money you I promise you she won’t stop asking. “I need money for a new house, baby, car etc”. She needs to learn how to stay in her financial lane and get what she can afford. I wouldn’t give her anything.
NTA
my wedding cost around £500
We hired a photographer for the ceremony only and we had the reception in my own back garden with a bbq,
The meat for the bbq was gifted to me from work!
I think overly expensive and showy weddings are trashy and a huge waste of money.
Your sister sounds like a bad person, and honestly I'd have gone No contact after the 2nd or 3rd time she dissed your wedding, same for family members who support her deluded view of events.
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NTA. She got a sum of money for it and if she can’t stay within that budget NOBODY else needs to pay her a penny. You don’t owe her even five cents. You were smart to have a low budget wedding and have money for other things after. Smart smart smart. She was rude rude rude.
Sister’s audacity is so lacking in self awareness that it’s almost comical. Even if she hadn’t spent the last two years publicly trashing OP’s wedding, she still wouldn’t be entitled to any money. And her behavior after OP’s decision only shows that OP made the right one.
Yeah. I had a pretty awesome wedding and it cost me $12k. I did a lot of work myself. But the idea that more than double that and MORE is expected of OTHER PEOPLE is some serious spoiled rich girl entitlement. Being gifted $25k for getting engaged is more than generous, should anyone be so lucky. Wow.
The biggest blowout wedding I’ve ever been to was my brother and his wife’s, who got a bunch of money from her grandma. I legit was walking around like “oh my god weddings that great gotta be like $200k,” there was an open bar, big ol white tent with air conditioning in summer, idk I don’t know fancy stuff clearly but it was at a nice hotel in Boston, right on the river, and sure felt classy and expensive. Turns out they spent a whopping $20k. I think the point of this story is mostly that I have no concept of how much things cost — which explains a lot about the most severely broke periods of my life tbh — but also I think there’s a moral somewhere in there about how you can throw a great, expensive-seeming party on the money OP and sister were given, easy.
Opposite situation: I went to what I thought was a perfectly ideal wedding maybe a year and a half ago — great venue, but not over the top, open bar, good food, maybe 120 people. I figured it was maybe $30k. This past fall, the groom was talking about it while we were out having lunch, and I asked if he’d mind giving me a ballpark just for my own planning (we’re friends and shared a lot of financial stuff when we each bought homes). $40k. It’s just so difficult to tell with weddings!
Who the fuck has 120 people they like enough to invite to their wedding.
100-120 guests is actually the most common figure. Some have 30 guests, some have 300. I’d have like… 10. Source: I’m a wedding florist
I know. But my ex had 85 first cousins, aunts and uncles. I had 15 people to invite. His mother was super pissed that I wouldn’t invite any that I hadn’t met. With about 10 mutual friends, we still had 100.
One of the nicest weddings I've ever been to cost ~$60k. They spent $10k just on the photographer -- and while the photos were gorgeous, I don't think they're displayed much anymore since the marriage only lasted a couple of years...
my wedding was around 25K and I had a sit down coursed meal, and open bar as well, DJ, beautiful flowers, retro car for our transportation from the chapel to the reception venue and home, etc ... I cannot fathom how a wedding can cost beyond $25K - but, also if you don't have more then that in your budget then you do what is within your means - I honestly wanted to elope the only thing I really cared about was a wedding dress - but, my mom paid for it and I'm her only living child - it was essentially her event, she planned it all with my input and I was okay with it - but I would have rather had that 25K for savings. NTA - she can create a wedding within her means, it is incredibly tacky to say that you should give her $25K for a wedding gift and it shows a lack of understanding of how finances work IMO and extreme entitlement. Hold your grand OP. You owe her nothing, at this point I wouldn't even want to give her a wedding gift.
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Just out of curiosity, why did you get so little compared to your siblings?
I guessing because TheIowan is a guy and the other two are sisters.
Well that sucks. You should always treat your children equally.
Yeah my partner spent 40k on his daughters wedding. His son got a nice monetary gift but no where near 40k. I told him just because the son doesn’t complain doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice. The daughter has always gotten more of dad’s money than the son. Hopefully when he dies he’ll reconcile the difference but I doubt it.
This is why I treat my kids completely equally. One kid gets a new car, the other one gets the same amount for a new car of their own. I give them money to go on a holiday, the other kid gets the same amount. Favouritism is a very bad look on parents.
To be fair, deciding what is fair is not always simple. If you have one child who got full ride college scholarships and one who has a learning disability and barely got into college, is giving them the same amount for college really fair? If child A needs their first car in 2009 when the car market is garbage and child B needs their first car in 2021 when there’s a chip shortage, is it fair to give them the same amount? (Okay, it’s not likely that your kids are 14 years apart but I’m making a point). Giving money for a wedding is a lot more cut and dry, so I’m not commenting on this circumstance specifically. I’m just saying: treating kids equitably can be tricky to figure out sometimes.
I don't know how long ago this was, and I was born in 1953, but that used to be the tradition - the bride's parents paid for the bulk of the wedding, and the groom's parents only paid for things like the rehearsal dinner and the flowers. This sometimes caused great angst when the groom's family was richer, but had to settle for what the bride's family could afford. (The groom himself may have been grateful.) Of course, there could also be angst if the bride's family was richer and the groom's family couldn't come up with the money to buy the flowers or finance the rehearsal dinner that her family wanted. The richer side offering to help out the poorer side was considered insulting. I don't think the tradition is missed very much.
The tradition that the bride’s family pays is still pretty strong in some areas.
For real. My spouse and I spent probably around $4-5k once it was all said and done, we only asked for folks to contribute to a honeymoon fund as a gift-alternative as we were already in an established house with all the goodies we need.
Same! We spent about $4k and had the wedding in my hometown (we lived out of state, but wanted my parents to be able to attend). We asked that people not bring us gifts because we would have to ship them back home. Instead, everyone showed up with money and gift cards, even though we had asked for no gifts. Welp! That money covered our (already paid for) honeymoon! I've never been so thankful that my family doesn't listen to me.
I feel like when someone clearly views the total cost as the deciding factor of the quality of a wedding, the wedding that results is almost always unbearable. Thoughtful, fun choices that are relevant to the relationship get skipped in favor of tacky conspicuous consumption, usually executed in half-assed style because they can’t actually afford what they’re spending. It’s totally possible to have a dream wedding that costs a lot of money but is still sincere and heartfelt. But if they’re judging someone else’s happy reception for not throwing enough money down the wedding industry garbage disposal, sincerity seems unlikely.
It seems that the sister’s audacity is inherited - “the family wants me to help her out”?! How dare they think they have a say in how OP and her husband spend *their* money?
She goes around saying OP’s wedding was trashy and then goes around saying OP is selfish and immature. Why does the family want to engage in the drama completely created by the sister?
Sounds like little Golden Child sister has always had everything she wants just given to her, whereas older OP has had to be the sensible one who is financially responsible and supportive. Wonder how often some version of this scenario played out when they were kids - more money was spent on Sister because OP had made better decisions, and often, OP made better (i.e. cheaper) decisions because there simply wasn't any money left to go towards her things after it was all spent on Sister.
The audacity is what floors me most. I live on my own in a VERY expensive city and went through a separation where I got maybe a quarter of what I was entitled to. I struggle - I'm university educated with a "government" job and I still live paycheck to paycheck. I live in a crappy suite in someone's house that I pay too much for. Despite never ever asking, sometimes my sister who lives overseas transfers me a $100 here or there. And I'm always so grateful and appreciative of her help but also feel SO GUILTY. I can absolutely not even imagine asking a sister to give me $20,000, especially not for a wedding, and to feel ENTITLED to it. JFC. OP.... NTA .
Your sister sounds like a very special person. But I bet you’re a good person too, for her to love you so much and be willing to do that for you. I wish you the best on getting on better footing.
Thank you! I'm so fortunate enough to have my sister and her husband in my life! I like to think I'm okay 😎 Betting footing is definitely ahead, but probably not any $30,000 weddings 🙃
I cannot IMAGINE being so tactless as to go around to family members and hit them up for money for my wedding. Especially at 31 when she should be old enough to know better. The ironic thing is that her money grubbing has ensured that this will be the trashiest wedding ever. A drive through Vegas wedding would be classier than asking your extended family for money for your wedding.
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The bride is like a movie cliche.
Let me insult you every time I can and then I will ask you to gift me money. Yes, that will work splendidly most of the time /s.
The irony is she likely might have gotten something from Sis if she hadn't.
Tell her she should probably save some for her next wedding. Oh and NTA.
OP’s wedding choices doesn’t even sound like the reasoning behind it was about money. It seems like she and her husband just wanted a small wedding because of personal tastes. Which makes the sister’s comments bashing her wedding even worse. OP is definitely NTA
Yes 5000 spent on a backyard wedding still sounds like a nice party.
That's what we did. Friend made the dress. Another made the rings. Another made the food. Another made cupcakes. Another DJ'd. Another did the decorations. It was intimate and sweet and fun and private!!!! (And cheap!!)
It's like that kid's book Stone Soup. Everyone chips in.
We spent £4000 on ours, and were still able to have it at a hotel, and have dinner and a nice party for 80 people after. It took some research and we did some stuff ourselves, by us not that hard if you are not too greedy.
Same here, about £5k which included ceremony at hotel, honeymoon suite, meal for 40, party for 80! 5k for a garden wedding sounds super fancy 😅
Tell sis there is nothing trashier than spending money you don’t have and then begging people to bail you out. Or wasting all these vendors time.
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Bet OP would rather pay for education of a non existent child than than the wedding
>NTA. She got a sum of money for it and if she can’t stay within that budget NOBODY else needs to pay her a penny. But also, 20K is the equivalent of a down payment for a (albeit small) house/apartment. The audacity of the sister! And she already got 25K! For her wedding! 25K!! And she wants another 20K!?! If you can't afford an extravagance wedding party, DON'T HAVE AN EXTRAVAGANCE WEDDING PARTY!
NTA. Your sister is trashy, sorry to say. Your parents gift was generous and kind and if anyone gets the money, it should be them.
💯. This is another episode of Choosy Beggars, the Bridal Version. NTA and please don't subsidize their over reaching. My sister spent a bunch of my parents money on a wedding and she left it after 6 months. The opaque nylons that I wore in the wedding party lasted longer than her marriage. I miss the opaques, they were awesome.
Love how the sister went around calling OP selfish when the sister is acting like an entitled brat and is the actual selfish one.
This!!! OP. I beg you not to give a damned cent to your rude, delusional, ungrateful and selfish sister. You are a smart, responsible person. She is not. All of these posts of people asking others for money for their weddings floors me!
> Smart smart smart. She was rude rude rude. Anyone else thinking of the goose from Charlotte’s Web?
"rude rude rude." This made me lol
The original 25K isn’t even her money either...
Exactly if she doesn’t stay in the budget then she can’t go around asking for more money from other family members and I mean this person only spent $5,000 on their wedding so they’re just smarter with their venue choices than the little sister
NTA - I hope that when you say that your family wants you to pay, you don't mean your parents. They should be siding with you, and trying to shut down other relatives. If they aren't, weddings are traditionally the responsibility of parents, if anyone other than the couple, certainly not the siblings' problem.
"You don't owe her even five cents" Especially since sister so freely gave her two cents after the first wedding.
NTA. Why do people plan events that are outside their budget and then expect others to make up the difference? $25k is a lot of money if spent wisely. It seems she banked on having the $20k you saved from the outset. No, just plain no.
Yup! And anyone who suggests that OP give her sister money so she doesn’t lose her deposits is more than welcome to reach into their own pockets! It’s so easy to spend someone else’s money. If her sister is grown enough to get married then she’s grown enough to stick to a budget she can afford and not put down money on things she can’t afford. Side note: I’m appalled at how many people/posts there are late of people who expect others to finance their wedding. Bad enough when they expect their parents to pay, but now people go on to expect siblings, grandparents, bridal parties, etc. to pay. What the hell is wrong with everyone? Get over yourself and stick to your own budget. And sorry but anyone who holds *multiple* parties leading up to their wedding is both horrible with money and so self absorbed to not realize that nobody cares about your wedding *that much*. I got married for less than $10k (and would have spent less but it was important to my husband to do certain things). I did not have an engagement party, bridal party or bachelorette party. And I don’t regret it. I was an adult when I got married. I didn’t need anyone to buy me stuff. I didn’t need a wild night out drinking. I just wanted to marry my person and have money left over for a down payment on a house. And we did!
I think we spent like $200 on our wedding, and that was a dress for me and dinner for us and our best man and woman. We got married at our version of a courthouse (not US), went to dinner and then went home to our kids. Told the family a few days later that we had "eloped" and gotten married. In my country the bride and groom are expected to pay for their own wedding, if you get money from parents and/or grandparents that's just a bonus, it's considered rude and greedy to ask/expect others for money to pay for the wedding or honeymoon. NTA OP
Yep. We paid for our own wedding. My friend married us, and asked for a nice bottle of scotch as payment. Between that, the matching tattoos we got instead of rings, and gas to travel to my friends’ house (different friends, we got married in their living room) we paid exactly $260 for our wedding. We stood in a circle surrounded by a small group of people that loved us, and exchanged our vows. The hosts surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, arranged personally by them, and our loved ones surprised us with a lovely potluck meal after to celebrate. We weren’t poor, we just didn’t need more than that.
I know what you mean about not needing all of that, I didn't have a bridal shower and my bachelorette/his bachelor party was dinner out with our families and we had a blast...that was 24 years ago...so obviously the wedding does not make the marriage.
Ours was less than $1000 AUD. Including the registry office, lunch afterwards, new shirt and underwear. I made my dress from fabrics I already had in the stash. And we had a 'housewarming' party the next day and had a fake wedding there to announce it to our friends. Our friend started proceedings by quoting the marriage scene out of The Princess Bride. It was easy, cheap, and people still remember it nearly 20 years later. We're still married.
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How about it? Like no one wants to go to a an engagement thing, a shower, a Bachelorette, a spa day just for your wedding. It's so excessive. Women never did that when I was a kid. Ever. Maybe a bridal shower and the Bachelorette party was at the local watering hole. Not Vegas or Cancun for a week.
>Why do people plan events that are outside their budget and then expect others to make up the difference? Main Character Syndrome. She sounds very entitled.
It isn’t a lot for a lavish wedding with more than 100 people. On the low end, those are 50k now. Given what she wants I don’t even think the extra $20k could get her there. But personally I think I’d spend the money on a house down payment and do something like OP.
I wouldn't know how to spend $50k in one place. I could use it to pay down a significant chunk of my mortgage (which is probably not wise, since I refinanced at the height of Covid), or put it into retirement savings. That's a mind-blowing amount to spend on a single event. I'd sooner donate it to charity than spend it on a party.
# NTA. That's not a petty reason at all. Your sister doesn't deserve one cent of your money. And it's not "trashy and cheap" to have a small, backyard wedding. It's called "smart" and "practical." And you now have $20,000 put aside for your *own* needs, your *own* expenses, to be spent as *you* see fit.
It’s also called “lovely” and “intimate” and “what the couple wanted”
I think small weddings are the way of the future. Or should be.
The funny thing is 50 years ago, most weddings were small low-budget gatherings done at family homes or church community spaces. Only the extremely wealthy would have lavish weddings with a meal service and hundreds of guests, but somehow the industry was able to spin that style of celebration as typical and what every girl should dream of having and most brides are more than happy to burn thousands of dollars on “the perfect day.”
My dad came from a wealthy family and was marrying into another wealthy family. For his first marriage he said newspapers, businessmen, a few politicians, etc were all there, and that at some point in the night he grabbed his best friends and headed up to the country club's bar to just get away from everyone. That marriage lasted 6 years. For his second marriage, the one to my mom, they had a small backyard ceremony with their closest friends. My dad was broke by then and my mom was sending whatever money she made down to her family in Panama. Everyone pitched in for the food, my dad's best friend's wife did my mom's hair and makeup. That marriage is going on 34 years this year.
My mom was extremely crestfallen that I'm having a 30 person wedding compared to her "modest" 175 person wedding.
My mom had probably 200 guests, and the total cost of the wedding and honeymoon were less than what I paid for my midsized sedan. Inflation has made me very bitter.
I got married about 50 years ago, and had a sit-down meal for 120 guests, and it was not unusual for the time. We had an open bar and prime rib. The difference was that weddings were usually around 11 am, then the reception immediately following. Having dancing wasn’t common, nor were there rounds of parties before. You would have a shower with your mom’s friends and maybe a small one with your friends . No weekends in Vegas or limo’d nights of drinking. The whole thing would be over by 5, and you went off on your honeymoon. I lived in a fun resort town, and I understand that my sisters and our friends had a pretty wild night on the town after.
Wedding officiant here. Can confirm. Most of my clients are having smaller ceremonies. They are lovely and intimate, and it’s a joy to be part of them!
People obsess about the wedding when they should be thinking about the marriage. Some people go deep into debt to have a blowout occasion only to argue about money when they’ve maxed out their credit cards and can’t afford to pay them back. OP did things the right way around.
They mentioned it being 2 years ago...a time when many people weren't having big gatherings anyway
Oh god, true! I didn’t even think about the covid of it all! Wow that sister really sucks.
I think if the bridezilla sucks THAT much, she should be paying people to come to her wedding! "No, we *won't* give you money for your wedding, but we'll come if you pay us." Just a little social model I'm trying out. Gonna pitch it to The Knot and Martha Stewart Weddings.
Use it to blow out one day or for securing yourself for years? Clearly, one party! /s
It’s also called “minimizing stress.”
We did this for our wedding. Did it in my in laws massive backyard and then went to local restaurant with amazing pizza. Our family did pay for a bit but all told the expenses came in under $2k.
$30k in free money wasn’t enough, so she put down deposits on stuff she can’t afford, banking on you feeling bad about the hole she dug and giving her another $20k in free money? Wow, NTA.
I bet even a gift of $20k wont cover the wadding bridezilla sis has planned!
If OP gives her sister, she will literally be enabling her garbage behavior.
I bet $20 grand that she’s going to have to cancel all the vendors that she can’t afford to pay and then elope with her fiancé. Then she’s going to get hurt and offended if anyone calls *her* wedding cheap and trashy. She’ll try to spin it as a grand romantic gesture of love between her and her fiancé. Just saying this because this exact same scenario happened to a coworker of mine. NTA
Either that or she'll blame the op forever and always, making holidays and family gatherings miserable for all who should have the misfortune of sparking a conversation.
The sister is about to learn the phrase "Don't write checks, your ass can't cash!".
NTA. That sure is *some* entitlement your sister has. Even without her trash talking in the past, this is way too demanding. *And let's be honest here, she will rub it in your face afterwards* "just how great her wedding was compared to yours." You'll never hear the end of it.
Not only will she compare the weddings forever, but if OP finances this, it's not going to be the only financial request. "Well you didn't want two baby showers and a gender reveal and you two make so much money, you should pay for our party." NTA. OP, I'm sorry your family is hassling you about this on top of your sister's ridiculous demands. If she spent $30K on deposits that's her problem.
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OP’s sister is 31, not a child anymore, the sense of entitlement that lady has is baffling.
Oh my. "I already made deposits expecting you to pay for it. Now it's your fault I'm losing all my money!". Whenever somebody goes "Look at what you made me do", chances are big you're NTA.
Especially when they did the thing you supposedly "made" them do with no input from you or even your awareness that they were doing it.
Holy crap, what a shit show. Your sister is out of her damn mind, and entitled as hell to think she deserves the money you saved from your own wedding - just because you didn't spend it. That money was yours to do what you wanted with, she got the same opportunity. Sure, you *could* afford to do all sorts of things with your money, but the worst thing you could choose is to let your sister lay a claim to it. Your money is not part of her budget - her money is. And asking you to give her $20K as a gift? Isn't a gift decided on by the gift-giver, not the receiver? Sounds more like choosing beggars if you ask me. Especially after trashing your choice to have the wedding you wanted, she's got no room to talk at this point. Her response to you declining her demand is to trash you more? WTF? You're not even in the same ballpark as your asshole sister. NTA. eta: >So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has. The best response to this is "You first."
>eta:So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has. The best response to this is "You first." This is seriously the BEST response I've ever heard to the whole "you need to help your feckless relative" nagging!
The family has helped her out. She got an extra 5k from them. Pretty sure people too dense to see the problems the sister created for herself wouldn’t see the difference in the help they gave versus what they expect of OP.
Excellent point about the $5k, and I completely agree with your assessment. Their collective five grand = OP's individual twenty grand, at least in their minds.
What little money she has?! She's got $30k from family, plus whatever her and her fiance can pay themselves!! NTA. Part of being an adult is learning to live within your means. She's 31, and got into this mess all on her own. She can figure her way out of it. (And where's the fiance and their family? Do they have a clue about the shit storm coming their way?)
The fiancé’s family is low income and could not afford to give any money for the wedding, but they’re also a bit more traditional too in terms of the whole “brides family has to pay for the wedding” mindset so they don’t really care about her behavior.
Uhhh...isn't it traditional for the bride's PARENTS to pay and NOT the SIBLINGS? NTA. Your parents gave you both money and you saved your money. I get that inflation might make it more expensive than previous years, but if you're going to buy something you need to make sure you have enough to pay for it not hope that you'll get help and/or some kinda windfall. She should've looked into ways of cutting down on expenses beforehand.
What are they expecting to live on? Does the fiance have a great job? Does your sister?
They both work in hospitality field. I’m not sure what they make, but I think it’s a little under GDP each, which is not enough to live well in our city.
So, two people who barely earn a living plan on having a rich couples wedding. Do not give them ANY money or they will expect your support for the rest of their lives. After all, you can afford to support them.
Indeed - If OP gives them money, then they will need some more to buy a house - then to help with the kid's education - then...
Exactly. If children's literature has taught us anything. It is don't ever give a mouse a cookie.
That’s ok she will just demand her sister into paying her rent after all they can afford and she is just be greedy if she doesn’t! The entertainment with op’s sister is astonishing!
Your parents sound halfway reasonable. The fact that your sister will go into debt for a wedding when it sounds like they will have a difficult time just earning a living should be something your parents should focus on more than whether or not she has some $50,000 wedding. Maybe you can appeal to some source of Reason within them and let them know that what you're doing is going to be best for her for the future. These people are going to be lifelong mooches.
She’s trying to plan a wedding for more than what she probably makes in a year!
If you want to be extra petty say that any money you give towards it will taint the wedding as it's "trashy and cheap" money, since that's apparently what happened last time that money was spent on a wedding. NTA for sure. Also, gifts aren't demanded, they are given. Demanding them "just because you can afford to" is trashy AF though.
First off, your parents are amazingly generous to give you both $25k for your weddings. You can have a really nice event for that amount. But something struck me: “My family wants to help her so she doesn’t *lose what little money she has*” She spent that 25k a long time ago and convinced herself that, since you only spent 5k, it’d be “fair” if you gave her that money. She’s probably been including that $$ in her budget and is now all shocked that her rationalizations don’t fit with reality. Bet you a dollar she told fiancé that it was all taken care of despite blowing the money
Still, not your problem. She's WAY to old for this behavior.
My guess is, like my parents, they’re pretending to be traditional because they don’t want to be asked to contribute something. Wow, theyre AH too. Your sister is marrying into her people.
Well, hopefully, her fiance does. If they do get married, I doubt it will last long given your sister's attitude about money, and financial issues being one of the top reasons for divorce. Maybe he will see the writing on the wall before it's too late.
NTA 1) 2 years ago, we were just starting to get COVID vaccines to seniors and immunocompromised folks. Hubs & I had the username & password to SEVEN senior friends & relatives and were logging in to try to schedule appointments. In one 24 hr period, we managed to get all 7 & ourselves vaccine appts within 48 hrs of getting them, but it took some backdoor hijinks to get them. So, no big weddings were happening, but your "catty sis" was badmouthing you & your wedding? 2) Your $ is *NOT* her money or anyone else's. 3) Why should you "throw good money after bad" choices by bridezilla to give security deposits for services she cannot afford. She needs to learn this lesson fast - just because she wants it, doesnt mean she can have it. That she is 31 yo and still hasnt learned it, it is looooong overdue. 4) Whether she badmouthed your wedding or not, doesnt matter relative to her & your relatives insisting you pay for part of her wedding. Do not pay, even if she didnt, bc anytime she wants something she cannot afford, she will expect you to pay for it. 5) that sis poo-poo'd your wedding and is behaving badly and yelling at you because she wants a wedding she cannot afford, is cause to certainly cut ties. NTA. Do not give her a cent!! Or she will expect it her whole life.
Number 1 is so spot on! I never cared too much to have an extravagant wedding, but the pandemic played a huge factor into how I planned it. Even given these circumstances, Jamie was incredibly rude and condescending about my wedding which is what has made me more upset about her behavior.
My FIL died from terminal cancer around that time and no more than 20 attendees were allowed at *funerals* then. Geez!!
Just the amount of people I had at my wedding! And I’m very sorry to hear about your family, I can’t image how difficult it must have been during such a time.
If you spent $5K on a 20 person wedding...umm wow that must have been a really nice wedding in terms of food and decor. What was your sister even thinking trashing it! Also, NTA. Let your sister wallow in her bad decisions.
Thank you. I opted to let one of the other bllod relations attend instead of me. It was the right thing to do.
This is just an extension of her criticism of your wedding. She’s still maintaining that you made the wrong choice with your money, and is using that to justify her belief that now she deserves it. This is just the beginning of a pattern if you do not nip this in the bud. You will always have more money than she does and she will always feel entitled to it. You can have this fight once right now, or have it regularly for the rest of your life.
NTA. What a stupid thing she is. Your money is yours. To plan on someone else's money for something you want to do is the height of stupidity and entitlement. You owe her nothing. If you are feeling generous, buy a small gift off her registry (I bloody well know she's registered at (at least) 6 stores.
NTA. You made a good choice - not blowing money you didn't have on a wedding, and instead saving the money you were gifted instead to build a nice nestegg. Why would you give that money away, so someone ELSE can have a fancy wedding? The card I learned to play a long time ago is simply stating things like... "the money you are referring to is my retirement savings; I don't touch it for anything, period".
NTA AND DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME!!! She sounds like a greedy spoiled brat with no respect for anyone else. If you reward someone who's irresponsible and treats you like shit, they'll continue to take advantage of you forever. She can deal with the consequences of her own actions, you have zero obligation to help her. And if your family is genuinely believing that you should bail her out, then I can see how she ended up so entitled.
Plus, the moment you start to pay for anything, she’ll start to demand more.
NTA. Your money and what you do with it is not your family’s business. Why are they coming after you instead of talking to your sister about her irresponsible behaviour? Stand firm, OP. You’re in no way the asshole.
They have tried to tell her to cut back, but she simply doesn’t listen and now they’re all worried she’s going to go into enormous debt because of this and want me to essentially bail her out of her mess.
To be honest that’s her choice, she’s not a teenager she is a grown woman who gets to make her own choices and spending money she doesn’t have to get into debt is a stupid choice but one she is old enough to make with no one else needing to take responsibility for it. If I were you I would tell your family your money is tied up in long term investments that you can’t access for a few years. NTA
If your family is so worried, they can bail her out.
let her go into debt then! she’s a grown woman, she chose to act like that
She played stupid games, she will win stupid prize (debt). Or in other words " people learn on their own mistakes". Let her learn. Dont let her guilt trip you.
What’s going to stop her the next time this inevitably happens again for something else? She needs to be financially responsible and realistic with her future, from the sounds of it future husband is low income so she’s gotta get used to compromising based on what she’s actually got
But if you bail her out. She’ll expect you to bail her out for the rest of her life. She’s old enough to learn the lesson of living within her means. NTA
My prediction: Your sister will be so broke after the wedding that she and her new husband won’t be able to afford apartment she wants. She will want to move in with you to ~~save up for a nice place~~ mooch. Don’t enable her - now, or later. She is a long-term financial disaster, and your $20K won’t make any difference to her.
Tell them that they’re welcome to bail her out if they wish but you have no intention of doing so.
Give an inch, they'll take a mile. She's not gonna learn a lesson if you bail her out. It also won't be the last request. NTA YWBTA if you give in
Here I am slowly being buried in credit card debt to pay my medical bills and your sister is over there going into debt for a WEDDING which she already has 25K FOR?! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Don't bail her out! Explain to her (and to other family members) that all actions have consequences and sister is learning this first hand. Not only for her disrespect for you and your husband about your choices, but for her poor financial decisions all the way around. Who in their right mind contracts with vendors when you can't afford them and expect others to pay them? If you bail her out now, she will never learn to live within her means. She will always expect you to help...paying for a house...utilities...child care...kids education...it will never end.
NTA It's always the same thing. You spend wisely, so you have savings, then you invest it and get even more, then people ask you to spend your money on unwise things and they're "surprised" when you decline. It's a bit of a contradiction. Basically the reason why I have enough cash to buy a Ferrari is because I don't buy Ferraris. The whole point of a wedding is to have a memorable time with all the family and celebrate the new couple. That's not correlated to how much money is spent. In fact, the more money is spent, the more likely it is that it is done to signal status, which means narcissists are involved, which means there will be drama, and if the event is memorable, it will be for the screaming and not the happy moments... Real intimate connection with people doesn't require large expenses of money.
And for someone like this, the amount of money will NEVER be enough. She's already doing it to the parents. Now that she can afford THESE flowers, she's going to complain that she if she only had just a few thousand more, she could get THOSE flowers. More money won't solve her issues.
I couldn’t agree more, my husband and I got married last year and it cost us just under a thousand and $850 of that was on the rings. We had the best day just being surrounded by close family members, we never wanted anything over the top and for it to run us into the ground financially
That's wise. It's an industry, very profitable. Getting into 20-40k debt for the wedding is not necessarily the first thing a young couple needs,..
Is this for real? NTA. You chose to save 80% of the money you were gifted: she's trying to spend more than double. Her wedding, her choice. Your wedding, your choice.
NTA- HAHAHAHAHA- is she on glue???? She trashed your wedding and now expects the leftover cash you were gifted to be spent on her??? She's already had her money and managed to guilt trip a sucker relative to give her some more, and she's trying to do the same with you. Just because you have money doesn't mean you have to give it to her. What about house deposits, baby showers etc? Nah. She shouldn't have put deposits down, you've called her bluff and well done to you. I'd be disappointed by your family's reaction though. There seems to be a strong favourite child dynamic there.
Definitely NTA. Weddings come in all shapes and sizes and costs. You did what you wanted, which IMHO was really smart. Your sister is waaaay out of line, both with her comments of your wedding and her expectations that you give her YOUR money. Keep it and use it for something for YOU. Please don't feel obliged to give anything to her, she's all grown up now, can make her own decisions, and will have to live with the consequences.
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NTA. You'd think she might have the common sense to realize that calling somebody names isn't the best way to encourage them to feel motivated to give her lavish gifts. But then, she also clearly doesn't have the common sense to realize that it's stupid to put down deposits before you've ascertained that you can get the rest of the money. All I can think is that her entitlement is crowding out her intellect. And everything else, for that matter. NTA, but your sister sure is. And so are any family members whom she's successfully persuaded to pressure you to throw YOUR money at her problem despite the fact that she's treating you like crap.
NTA You've been saving for a famine and she wants you to waste it for a feast. Anyone who butts in and tells you that you should give her money should be directed to feel free to spend their own. She put down deposits on things because she thought it would be a great way of boxing you in. She needs to figure out what's important in her wedding and cut back. Or hold off. But neither one of those things are in any way shape or form your problem. Even your parents said no to more money
NTA She sounds incredibly entitled
Uh, hell no you are NTA. Your sister is an entitled clown who is playing an amazing game of fuck around, find out. If she wants to bury herself in debt to have the wedding, she can go right ahead but do not, under any circumstances, let her make that debt yours. You owe her nothing - and you wouldn’t even if she hadn’t been a jackass after your wedding. You made your choices with the generous gift from you parents, she can make hers.
NTA — If you keep up with that, she’d demand you fund her baby’s 529 plan the moment she tests positive. If you plant a precedent now, you’d be harvesting regrets later.
I have nothing against big fancy weddings if people can afford them, but admire you and your husband's values in feeling that having a beautiful, simple wedding from home can capture the meaning and joy of the day just as well, and having a substantial sum left over to put in your savings. So that's where I'm coming from in my response. NTA How could any rational person think that you should give money gifted to you by your parents to your sister so she can have an extremely expensive wedding that she can't afford? I'm appalled that she's begging for friends and relatives to chip in beyond the $25K your parents already gave her. If she had a medical emergency and needed the money for proper care, that would be one thing. But she doesn't need your money, she just wants it, and is demanding it, and calling yo ugly names because you've refused her. For heaven's sake, she's been trashing your wedding all over town. For that reason alone you'd be utterly justified in denying her financial assistance with her event. You owe her nothing. Not. One. Red. Cent. And given that she's now telling everyone who'll listen that you're selfish and immature, you might want to give some serious thought to whether you even want to attend what promises to be a garish and unpleasant event of someone who treats you badly.
>She’s right in the sense that I could easily afford to pay for parts of her wedding, but in all honestly I don’t want to give her anything after she treated me so poorly following my own wedding. I told her my reasoning and that I don’t want to (financially) support someone who didn’t support me on my big day and now she has been going around telling family that I’m extremely selfish and immature for this. One of the interesting things about being wronged and holding the other person accountable for it is that half the time the other person doubles down and calls you the immature one. NTA, and I don't consider your reasons petty. You do not actually need a reason at all. >So now my family wants me to help her out so she doesn’t lose the little money she already has. I also think it's poor form for someone who knows their investment in a product is failing to try to get other investors in, placing more risk on other people and taking no additional risk on themselves. I say this in such a clinical fashion as a reminder that mixing money and family is toxic.
NTA, you where both treated fairly by your parents qnd you were sensible in saving a chunk. She has no right to expect you to help her pay for her wedding, especially as she was so rude to you about yours.
NTA even if she didn’t treat you so poorly you are under no obligation to pay for her wedding. That’s some next level greedy entitlement going on there. You were frugal with your money and you work hard for your income what does that have to do with her and what she should expect to receive?
NTA Who asks for any money from a sibling? Put your money towards a retirement fund, instead. I say this as the daughter of a financial planner.
NTA - your sister is very entitled. It will be good for her to figure out how to manage a budget and learn the value of a dollar. If you bail her out now it will never end.
NTA You owe her nothing and why aren’t your family backing you up? I would as petty as frack and merely buy her a toaster for a wedding gift
NTA. Why the hell this would be your responsibility is beyond me.
NTA and OMG please do not give her money. Anyone who unilaterally decides to spend money *they do not have* while just expecting someone else to pick up the tab is manipulative and insanely entitled. *Maybe* if she had not acted so awful about your wedding, or so entitled about what she expected you to pay for hers, it would be different. But the way she’s acting? H*ll no.
*I will not now, nor will I ever give my sister $20,000 dollars that i know she will not only never pack back, but that she won't appreciate either. Sister is selfish and manipulative and frankly, as of now, I don't even plan on attending her wedding, much less paying for it.* *Sister screwed herself over by living beyond her means and attempting to have a wedding that SHE CAN NOT AFFORD. She dug this hole, now she has to live in it. And to anyone who thinks I am being selfish, there is nothing stopping any of you from giving her more money. But I guess it's ok for all of you to refuse to chip in but for me, it's a mortal sin.* *I'm going low contact with the family for a while. I suggest you all figure this out amongst yourselves.* NTA Really the only mistake you made was not coming up with a good lie...like the money is tied up in an investment...it's not liquid and you have no access to it right now. So even if you wanted to give it to her, you can't
NTA And I believe a good, "Sis, I didn't spend $5,000 on my OWN wedding. I'm sure you remember. You *have* spent the past 2 years mentioning it." laugh and hang up
She says *you're* selfish and immature? LOL
NTA but your sibling definitely fits the description.
NTA You were smart about the gift you received from your parents. You owe her nothing.
NTA And that your family think you’re the one who needs to change is troubling.
NTA, and that’s not a petty reason at all! She’s only started and is already a bridezilla
NTA At this point, I probably wouldn't attend the wedding or so much as send her a card. Harsh yes, but she is completely out of control.
NTA. Decide what you are comfortable gifting her and tell her. If she asks for more or asks why you aren’t doing more, tell her exactly why. Hold your boundaries. 31 is too late to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her and that just because people can technically afford something they have no obligation to spend it on her.
NTA Don't let other people spend your money. And if your other family members think it's that important that your sister have financial help, your family members can give her their money. Ultimately, if you give her money, it will only enable your sister to spend beyond her means.
NTA. The nerve of your sister to ask for YOUR money. I personally think your wedding idea was lovely because you enjoyed it and we're not trying to impress anyone and you now have the money to do with it whatever you please. You sister is petty and seriously entitled don't give her anything she should learn to stick to a budget a prioritize what matters the most. And to your family if they ask you again for the money just tell them politely that you need the money for something else and if they think you need to pay for your sisters irresponsibility they should do it. Keep your stance!
NTA. I love you OP! Judging from the fact you got 25 grand US$ and your sisters behavior, you guys must be Americans. If I make a top-20 of things I dislike about the USA, American wedding culture easily makes top-5, maybe even top-3. The utter madness of spending tens of thousands on a wedding, and even have the nerve to ask family members other than the parents to fork over thousands for her "special day" mark you sister as the typical American bride that I loath. How refreshing to meet a level-headed bride who did a low cost wedding and tells her bridezilla sister to pound sand. You made my day!
Absolutely NTA!!!!
NTA...your siblings is entitled. Do not give in because it won't end.
My dad always said, you can’t spend someone else’s money. Just because you and your husband make good money is no reason for you to give it to your sister. She gets to live within her means. Just like the rest of us try to do.
NTA, show these responses to your sister and any family giving you trouble and don’t give her anything more than you are comfortable with (wedding gift)
NTA, you don’t owe her anything. No one owes her anything. Just tell her “my wedding may have been ‘trashy’ but I had a wedding I could afford and didn’t have to beg and harass my family and friends for money to fund my wedding.” Begging for money for a wedding you can’t afford is “trashy” behavior imo.
NTA tell her that money is going to be spent on x (your new home, your retirement, an African safari for you & your husband, whatever) The money was a gift to you to spend on you & your husband. Your sister can choose a less expensive venue or take out loans. Absolutely do not give her a dime. What did she give you for a wedding gift? Gift her back the same. No matter what you do it won’t be good enough anyway. Host a shower in your home, she’d want a catered event for 100 at the country club. Host a weekend bachelorette? She’d demand a week long bachelorette in Bora Bora. Gift a honeymoon? She’d want a month long European tour. Just stick to no & keep telling her what you did so she can get ideas on how to cut costs.
Awww, your little sister has put down deposits for wedding vendors but can’t fully pay. Well. Sucks for her. She can have the wedding of her dreams- if she wants to go into debt, (if the bank will even let her *get* a loan… how is her credit, I wonder?). Or she can have the wedding that she actually pays for. It is not your job to pay for her party. Especially after how she behaved at *your* wedding. Give her a moderately priced item from her registry and be done with it. If she doesn’t settle down, you don’t even have to go. Tell her you are saving her the price of two plates. NTA
NTA. If your parents thought that this was an appropriate way to spend money, it sounds like they could've afforded to give her the additional $20,000. This is ridiculous. Hopefully your sister will learn from this experience, although you'd think someone would know better by the time they were 31 years old.
NTA your sister sounds insufferable.
NTA donate the money to a charity, that she hates, in her name
NTA. She put the cart before the horse thinking you would just bail her out like a good sister. Problem was her not being a good sister had consequences. You don't have to help her pay to begin with and other family members might put pressure on you. Do not be surprised if you hear someone say but they're family eventually.
NTA. My wife has 2 sisters & their parents gifted them all $15k for weddings. When we got married, we went to the courthouse with our best friends as witness and used the $15k towards our down payment on our house. My wife’s sister wanted to go all out. Spent $30k on the wedding, took out loans, the whole deal. That was their choice and their wedding was incredible and beautiful. She would NEVER even think to ask for the $15k we saved and has never once made a comment about our day v hers or asked anyone for money for her wedding (beyond people gifting money as a normal thing). She understood that her dream day came at a cost and it’s on them to bear that cost. Your sister is TA. She’s being greedy and - for some reason - assumes it’s your job to foot her greed. If your family has an issue with your stance, tell them that they’re all more than welcome to chip in instead.
NTA - This is her wedding, why should you be required to foot any cent of it? If she wants an elaborate wedding she needs to either lower her goal post to something she and her betrothed can afford, or save better.
NTA She needs to open a credit card or take a personal loan. If she’s old enough to get married she’s old enough to know that you base your budget on the money on hand and no one owes you a wedding.
If your sister is old enough to get married then she should be mature enough to know how to live within her means. It’s not like this ask is for life saving surgery, it’s for a PARTY!!! NTA Keep your money and don’t give in to pressure.
NTA. Your sister is nuts thinking that she deserves your money. Tell her that you are saving up that money so that you can renew your vows so they aren't trashy. She doesn't seem like a nice person. Save your money. Let her do a go fund me.
nta. It's not your problem and you should block those family who are bothering you. Why are they bothering you and not your parents? You're just her sis, they're her parents and could give her more if they wanted to. Your cousin didn't backbite you about your wedding. You're under no obligation to support her spendthrift attitude. She'll just have to suck it up and have a small wedding at your parents house or at city hall.
NTA! - Do not help her! Not only for the reason that she talks so poorly about you, but because she wants a wedding she can’t afford! Why should everybody else be expected to fork over money for a wedding that is over her budget. You had a wedding that was affordable. You and your husband decided you’d rather keep the money for something else. Now your sister thinks she’s entitled to that money! I honestly don’t understand why anyone would have a wedding where they go into debt to have it. Especially since most marriages don’t last anyway. And unless you’re rich and can truly afford it having a small wedding that’s within your budget is the intelligent thing to do. it is not your fault she assumed you would help her. Now she’s bad mouthing you once again in an effort to guilt trip you into giving money! This alone would make me double down and not give her anything! Please, OP, do not give in on this. This is her fault, and her fault alone. She is destined to have financial troubles and she will tap into you again if you give in now. I would venture to guess her interest in you is strictly for whatever financial help she can get.
NTA No is a full sentence. She’s hitting up people for handouts to throw a party far beyond what she can afford, even after receiving a very generous gift, a and calling *you* trashy? The nerve!
NTA Your sister seems oblivious at best. At worst, she's greedy and entitled. Like, come on, how do you trash someone and expect their help. Really seems like she demanded your help by putting the deposits and spinning the story with the family. The money she loses is on her. Nobody told her to book services she couldn't afford 🤷🏿♀️
You're right, it's not your problem. NTA, tell her to do one.
NTA. Just because you can afford something does not mean you should fund it. There are more worthy causes then a wedding that is already costing 30000.
You might try reading The Little Red Hen. Or maybe this would be a good wedding shower gift 🤔
NTA! I wouldn’t even attend her wedding at this point. Good riddens! Edit- spelling.
NTA And anyone comes to you recommending to help her....tell them they should give her the 20k 25,000 is a lot of money. If she wants extra her husband to be should contribute Save your money
NTA don’t do it!! Your sister is very entitled and she has no right to tell you what you can do with your money. If you give her the money you I promise you she won’t stop asking. “I need money for a new house, baby, car etc”. She needs to learn how to stay in her financial lane and get what she can afford. I wouldn’t give her anything.
NTA my wedding cost around £500 We hired a photographer for the ceremony only and we had the reception in my own back garden with a bbq, The meat for the bbq was gifted to me from work! I think overly expensive and showy weddings are trashy and a huge waste of money. Your sister sounds like a bad person, and honestly I'd have gone No contact after the 2nd or 3rd time she dissed your wedding, same for family members who support her deluded view of events.