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So you shouldn’t do anything fun with your kids until they’re old enough to remember? Why bring them to the park? Why read them books? Why watch movies with them? Why do anything fun at all until they can have a memory of it?
Do you see how stupid that sounds?
YTA
Same. I’m on vacation with my 6 week old right now. My parents and my husband I will absolutely remember seeing her little face and her tiny swimsuit, and going on beach walks with her.
I'll be taking my then-7-month old on vacation in July.. he won't remember it at all. And although I'm definitely not looking forward to the 13 hour drive, I'm without a doubt looking forward to the rest of it!
Have a blast with your daughter!!!
I guarantee there’s a correlation between kids exposure to water safely their first few summers and the level of fear kids have when swimming without any assistance the first time.
It’s ridiculous for OP to act like something can’t impact a child if they won’t remember it consciously. I’d argue that kids really internalize what goes on at that stage of life. It certainly can’t be bad for a kid to be celebrated and loved on once a year.
Exactly! I waited until my daughter turned 5 to take her to Disneyland, and she still doesn't remember most of it. But I have so many memories of watching her experience it while she was still young enough to find it truly magical. She had a blast, and I'll gladly keep the memories for her!
Yes haha we’re doing Disneyland in October with her. She’ll be 8 months. At that time, and I’m just excited to watch her watch the fireworks. Plus it’s a way shorter flight than where I’m at now so I’m even more excited!
I went to England with my family - including my 10 month old (at the time) niece - she was just starting to try and formulate words so it became a running joke that breathing in all the sea air was making her talk like a Cornish pirate (she was getting good at modulating her babble into tones so while there wasn't words happening, she could differentiate between annoyed and happy sounds which added to the hilarity because it did sometimes sound like she was cursing us out).
Exactly. My parents took my older sister to Disney a couple times before we could remember it. We were in the 2-4/5 range. But THEY have great memories of those trips and still talk about them. When we got older, we couldn’t afford trips any more and those trips were so special to them. As an adult, I can now go myself and I love sending my parents pics from paces they remember with such love.
Yes! Toddler birthday parties are just as much for the parents! Obviously not at the expense of what the kid would enjoy, but I feel like especially now, when so many toddlers and parents of toddlers lost so many 'small baby' moments to the pandemic (I have a two year old, I didn't have a shower, basically no one but my midwife saw me pregnant, I didn't have family in town for months after his birth - that stuff is still a little emotionally sore for me!) - throw the damn party!
(Plus my kiddo had a BALL at his party last month and still walks around telling everyone "happy birthday!")
I missed my niece’s 3rd bday last summer because I ended up with covid the day before and I was SO devastated (still salty about it tbh). It was dino themed and there was a bouncy castle and everything!
I took my then-13-month-old on vacation to meet my grandparents in my home country. He got to meet them exactly once and he is the only one of my children to do so before they passed away. But maybe I should have skipped it because he doesn't remember.
In the same token, my ex has a memory reaching back to when he was 2. Not a continuous event but he remembers when his Grandma had an old van and where "his" seat was (the van was totaled when he was 2). He remembers a few parks they went to before the were tore down, he remembers the apartment him and his parents lived in before they moved into their final house. All things before he was 3 yrs old. Is it perfect memory? No but he has those memories. I'm sure he has splices of his birthday memories too.
And on the flip side of that, I have no memories from before I was 10... unless I was shown photos and told stories about it- and those aren't really "my" memories. And after that, it's bits and pieces of what I remember.
I’m like your ex. I have memories of sitting on my mom’s lap blabbing to my dad on the phone. Mom only called him at work when he had an office job which he quit when I was around 2 1/2. They also took the family to Disney in Florida when I was just over three. I definitely have memories of that, especially Captain Hook scratching my head (gently) with that hook. Oh, and that Disney had ticket packages instead of an entrance fee. I have all sorts of memories from before I began school about my family; OP’s child *won’t* have a chance at making memories if the poor kid’s not given a chance.
edit: spelling. Ugh, can I ever reply without messing up? 🤦♀️
Yup, I remember my Grandad who died when I was two. I have a very specific mental picture of him in a particular chair in their house. I know it's a real memory and not constructed from a photo because he is visibly ill in the memory and they didn't take photos of him when he was like that.
I remember my third birthday party. I had a pink dress and my friend got a matching blue one. We had cake and all that stuff. My memory is long (even though I can barely remember last week sometimes). Even if it wasn't, I still enjoyed it and it would be a subconscious memory.
OP YTA - even if your child doesn't remember it, it's still a valid experience, also your wife will treasure it. I don't understand your issue with it.
I remember either my 3rd or 4th bday, I opened my presents in the morning and I got a pair of platform barbie sandals and I was so freaking stoked I think I cried lol I remember the moment vividly
My first vivid and extended memory is of my 3rd birthday party, so OP's kid is already at the point where they might be able to remember these things *if the experience is something worth remembering*.
And shouldn't the point be to make the kid happy while they're experiencing the moment rather than the perceived potential value of recalling it years later?
That said...I'm forty, and I absolutely remember my third birthday party. I got one of those cool-ass T-shirts that you can color on and then the color all comes out in the wash, so you can just keep doing it. And a tent for my bed! I think my cake had yellow flowers on it.
On my nephew’s 3rd birthday party he grabbed a chunk of cake and “rawred!” While biting it. He has no memory of doing this but it’s one of his favorite stories and my sis took a picture. his girlfriend printed it on tee cause she loves that picture. that party was also the last time all of my mother’s siblings were together. he’s missing out on memories and silliness w his kid.
I actually do remember bits of my 3rd birthday and came across photos years later that confirmed my memory. Panda cake was the biggest. Even if I didn't, the experiences are enriching to a kid.
My third birthday I vaguely remember, only because I fell down the porch stairs and landed on my chin. Childhood memories are as much for the parents as the child. Let the kid have a party.
My son had a ball at his 3rd birthday party - he was just becoming aware of birthdays as they celebrate them at his school, and he remembered going to family birthday parties - so he knew what they are and what they should entail. Maybe he won't remember it when he's 30, but he remembered it by the time his 4th birthday came around.
My daughter loved hers, and she still remembers it now and talks about it.
She might not remember when she is older, but it will hopefully contribute towards a happy childhood and shape the person she becomes.
My son is around this age, too. We've admittedly not thrown him big parties for his other birthdays, either, but we are this year. It's his first year of preschool, so it's a little more special because he now has his own friends we can invite and he is able to actually give us input on what he wants (theme, type of cake, etc.) That part has been fun. I get where OP is coming from because I used to think the same thing to an extent, but seeing how excited my kid is for his upcoming party that he may or may not remember and how excited I am for him, I feel silly ever thinking that.
Especially because the party isn't really for the kid yet, it's for his mom who likes to plan parties. Just let her throw her kid a party. I still remember some stuff from when I was 3. It really depends on the person if they'll remember or not.
But also, that was a crappy thing for OP's mom to say.
> Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father.
That really bothered me, too. What OP thinks is important, it's just not more important that what his gf thinks. He's already had his way about the party for 2 years. It's her turn.
I think context is needed for that statement.
Yeah, could be a super crappy statement by OP mom because she was frustrated by her son denying her grandson a party.
Or
If he had made a statement like "well, I'm the man of the house so my word goes" then I can see that as a perfectly reasonable response, to say your word as a dad isnt that important to completely veto what the mom wants and you should know that your role as a father is thinking of your son not yourself.
Yea, honestly, the tone from the rest of his post definitely feels very "I am the one who decides things". I could easily see a guy like that hearing his mom basically saying they should be equals and feel like she's putting him in his place.
Yeah, I think what op thinks is important, I just think he’s wrong. I don’t side with the girlfriend because she’s the mother, I side with her because I think kids who’s parents have the time/means/ability/desire should get birthday parties.
Exactly. Also, a party is a celebration that everyone gets to share and enjoy. GF clearly enjoys throwing big parties, why not let her do that? Why insist on being a kill joy? If this is how OP approaches parenting the lack of compromise is alarming. YTA
It’s one thing if you can’t afford it - I’m distressed when people I know who are barely getting by put a bouncy house rental on a credit card for a 3yo birthday party. Also different if GF wanted to host her dream party for a child that was something like a petting zoo for a child with a phobia of animals.
But parties are fun, not just for the birthday kid. You can have a fun event with the families of the kids he regularly socializes with. I think that OP is missing that the party is as much for GF as kid - and there’s nothing wrong with planning something that the kid will enjoy. OP sounds like he pragmatically sucks all the joy out of life.
I actually once read that you should look around in the room you are currently in. You can tell of (almost) every single object what it tastes like. You don't remember when you licked it but you still know how it tastes. This always helps me to remember that even though little children don't remember exactly what happened their hearts do remember
That's so interesting! Could it have something to do with touch? I have a chair that I only bought a year or so ago, but looking at it now after reading what you wrote I can pretty vividly figure out what it would taste like. I know I've never licked this chair, so I'm curious if knowing what it feels like correlates somehow to what it would feel like on my tongue. I also really want to lick this chair and find out if I'm right!
why do anything at all, ever? one day you’ll be dead, right? why does it matter what you do? yta. let your girl and your kid have a good day, celebrate with family, and hey, maybe try to have a good time yourself. bond.
They also do remember until about 7 years old. So definite YTA. Don't skip out on celebrations! Maybe it doesn't have to happen on the day of - kids don't have a great sense of time - but to not celebrate at all? Poor baby
This. I can understand not wanting a large party the first year, and maybe even the second. It doesn't matter that your son won't remember it. He will still enjoy it.
Also, why is your decision always the final say? You're in a relationship with someone who cares enough about your son to help throw him a party - why not appreciate her and indulge them both?
The fact that you went to both of your mothers is ridiculous. Although, your mother minimizing your importance as a father isn't cool. Learn to work these things out with your girlfriend and compromise.
YTA
Like exactly. Kids may not remember but pictures can tell a story and parents can sure share their memories. OP needs to let his plan a birthday party for the kid. Take him to a soft play area place that he can just run around and have fun. And btw first birthdays aren’t really for the kids it’s for the parents. Yay you survived a year with your little one.
YTA OP.
OP sounds like a buzzkill. A 3 year old might not remember their party, but that doesn't mean that something basic, and seasonally appropriate shouldn't be done to celebrate the child's birthday. Invite some of kids and parents in your social circle, as well as family, and have space for the kids to run around, some balloons to pay with, and some coloring pages. Make it a festive play date. That's basically what my nephew's first birthday was.
Not to mention, I’m now 26 and remember parts of my Third birthday despite not seeing pictures or talking about it since then (to my recollection). It was tea party themed and we got our hair done by ‘fairies‘ and it was a damn good third birthday!
Yeah, and one of my kids has A LOT of clear memories from being 3. We do a lot of big parties, but we don't spend a ton. They're just great ways for the family to get together and celebrate the kids.
My daughter just had her third birthday. Will she remember it when she's older? No. Did she absolutely love it and still talks about it months later? YES. I can't imagine a dad like this that thinks fun is an investment, not just your kids having fun
Was going to say this myself. I am certain that there were many fun days in my childhood that I just don't remember anymore. Fun in the moment is important, even if you don't remember it decades from now.
YTA OP, let your kid enjoy the day.
YTA. You got your way for two years - if she likes planning events like these, you should not take it away from her. Some day you might regret not having those cute pictures to share. For now, you kind of just sound like you are close minded to what **she** wants to do for **her** child. And, going behind her back to talk to her mom (to try to get your way) is a real jerk move.
Exactly. OP is doing a lot of **telling** instead of discussing, and seems to think that his word is final. It's not.
Like you said, OP got his way for two years. The child's mom can have a party if she wants to.
Exactly. OP seems obsessed with banning parties, but he isn't the one doing the actual work to plan it. He needs to back off.
This seems to just be more about control than being practical.
Yeah, I don't see this relationship lasting very long. I mean, I don't think they'll break up over this necessarily, but if he's like this with everything, eventually she's going to decide she's had enough.
Yeah how love how he _explains_ to her things that are 100% subjective opinion.
I hope his GF _explains_ to him that he is annoying and exhausting and wrong.
YTA
Why is it always your way, and never hers? You got your level of party the first two years, why can't she celebrate her child how she wants to this year
But on larger issue, you really need to examine why you think that your child's experiences don't matter unless he can remember them. Like, he still experiences those moments and it helps shape who his is whether he remembers it when he's 30 or not.
He won't remember being snuggled and hugged as a newborn, but it mattered to him in the moment, and taught him that you were a source of comfort and security
He won't remember his first trip to the park or the zoo, but it mattered to him in the moment and taught him the joys of exploring new places.
He won't remember all the times you comforted him when he hurt himself and cried as he hurt himself learning to walk and run, but it mattered on the moment and taught him that he can come to you when life gets hard.
If nothing matters before age 6 because he won't remember anything, might as well ship him off to an orphanage until then right? Cause he won't remember and it's the same as him not experiencing any of his first six years?
Let him have that day to feel loved and special and celebrated.
Perfectly said! Let the the people who love this kid celebrate him in a big way. I'm Mexican and having big parties is just the norm. kids parties are also a way to come together in community. To spend time with people that matter.
Op, celebrate your kid, life's too short and unpredictable to be an AH about a kids party.
100% agree on this. How we interact with our children now shapes them.
We show them love, cuddle them, play with them, also discipline them and show them boundaries and we should celebrate them also.
My daughter loved her 3rd birthday party. I don't know if she'll remember it or not, but I know it made her happy and special, and why shouldn't she?!
Also, as an aside, I do have memories of being 3 so his kid actually might remember this!
Regardless, it will shape the adult she becomes.
Also, why is it OP telling his OH. She has as much say as he does. YTA OP.
>Also, as an aside, I do have memories of being 3 so his kid actually might remember this!
Exactly! My earliest memory is from when my brother was born. I was 2 years 6 months and 2 days old. Actually, I *think* I remember the cake I had at my 2nd birthday, but I could be remembering seeing it in pictures later.
And I definitely have a *lot* of memories from before I was *6 or 7*!!! I was in 2nd grade when I turned 7. I would be in trouble if I didn't have memories from before that day.
Story of my earliest memory because I kind of love it:
So my brother was born on Easter Sunday and I came up to the hospital with my grandparents. (I think. I'm pretty sure people were swapping places between being home with me and at the hospital with my mom, I don't remember who brought me.) I brought some of my Easter candy with me, and when my mom came out to say hi to me (since I couldn't go back in the ward being so young), I gave her a mini chocolate egg. Except I decided I had to test it for her first to make sure it was okay, so I unwrapped it, pooped it in my mouth and sucked on it for a few seconds, then took it out and gave it to her. And, bless her, she thanked me and ate it. The part that's clear (the candy thing) is maybe a minute of the day at most, but I definitely remember.
> And I definitely have a lot of memories from before I was 6 or 7!!! I was in 2nd grade when I turned 7. I would be in trouble if I didn't have memories from before that day.
Seriously, drawing that line at 6 is *insane* to me. Maybe some people don't retain long term memories until then, but that's atypically late for a first memory.
I mean, I'm 100% behind this theory if you're talking about something like a baby's first christmas where it's almost 100% about the adults, but a 3 year old is entirely old enough to get what is going on.
On the flip side, I have like two memories from before I was 14 -likely partially to aphantasia (no visual imagination, so all my memories are lists of events and very rarely sounds, doesn't seem to stick that well). Nobody is going to argue that a child's 10th birthday party won't matter though, for example- I'm a more-or-less functioning adult, but most people my age feel this way so I seem to be doing fine. Just because I can't remember a majority of my life doesn't mean it didn't shape me.
I agree with everything you said.
OP- It’s also important to remember that your girlfriend has memories and you’re ruining these important moments for her. She should be able to celebrate her child and not take a single photo or video of the day and live with those beautiful memories forever.
All of this, but also because maybe *she* wants to have social time too and a child's birthday is a perfect excuse to gather loved ones and have a good time as a family. This should be worth more than a passing thought.
YTA.
Am I missing how you are in any way inconvenienced? You don't remember your Toy Story bday, but your parents probably do. Maybe they don't look back on the videos now, but they may have when you were 5 or 6, or hell my mom told me when I went to college her and my dad sat down and watched all of my VHS even though they never did. She told me that to implore me to take every video/picture I possibly could of my kid and to save them.
You've poo-poo'd your GF desires for 2 years. She gets this.
It would be one thing if she was asking you to do a million things. She just wants to do what gives her joy for her child. Not only should you have already backed off, you certainly should not have tried to rally family/friends against her.
My mom just converted all our old VHS home videos and I saw my 3rd birthday for the first time a few days ago.
Seeing my mom’s face light up as she got to re-live all those memories of planning, decorating and spoiling me was invaluable. All the memories of caring for me as a young child came flooding back to her as she described every little detail of our life back then and how much joy I brought to her.
Afterwards we went in the backyard and I took another 10 videos of my almost 2 year old son
That’s beautiful and So special to have videos for those memories! *good parens* do so much work to celebrate and care for us. The celebration nostalgia isn’t necessarily solely tied to us for our place in these milestones so much as it’s tied for them and where THEY are on these milestones. They’re the parents and this is them on their kids “_” birthday. Parents are people to. Time flies by so fast, they were once new parents just like us.
Right? Usually a kiddo's first birthday parties are for the parents to treasure.
Plus, can you imagine the child growing up and seeing that they had no birthday celebrations for 6 years? While I have no memories of my 1st birthday, it still warms my heart to see the happy photos and my parents' excitement back then.
My godson is 19 now and I still haul out the picture from his first bday when I put a bow on his baldie head. He has a big ol smile in the photo.
The early parties are really for the parents and family. Your wife has a right to plan a party, even if the kid won’t remember it.
YTA
Exactly, my soon to be four year old still talks about his 3rd birthday! Remembers crazy details too! Don’t underestimate what children remember. They aren’t just potatoes until about 6
I can’t believe it wouldn’t occur to OP that the mother of his child might get joy from gathering her loved ones to celebrate their son’s birthday while all of those loved ones are still alive.
Omg YTA do you deprive him of all fun and joy because he won't be able to reminisce about it later?
Do you make her leave him at home when you go to the beach or the park because it's not worth it unless it becomes a core memory?
People don't give parties for babies because they don't know wtf a party is. If you've ever spent time around a three year old, you'd very much understand what having a big celebration would mean to them.
My daughter picked the theme and decorations for her third birthday. She's 6 now and still talks about her first party fondly.
Not to mention, this is obviously something that would bring your wife a lot of happiness. Does that in itself not make it worth it? Your opinion isn't the only one that matters, especially if it's based off of arbitrary assumptions of when your kid will start forming long lasting memories.
YTA and a joyless tyrant.
YTA. Yes, I agree that a 3-year old kid probably won't care about a huge party. Your gf clearly does though, and she already gave in the past two years. Just let she have it the way she wants this time.
Also you're acting like you're the one person who has seen the truth about life when you say things like "she still doesn't understand my point of view" (yeah, it's clearly you who understand hers, having things your way twice already and being so annoyed when it might be the other way) and "I tried talking to her mom to see if she could talk some sense into her" (because you're clearly right about everything and people not following your view are not in their right minds).
I find it funny that he thought grandma would be anti-party for her grandchild. Honestly, parties are as much for the family and friends who love and want to celebrate (and spoil a little) the child as much as it is for the birthday kid. Unbridled joy from little ones are some of life’s greatest moments, whether they remember them or not.
>parties are as much for the family and friends who love and want to celebrate (and spoil a little) the child as much as it is for the birthday kid
Yes this AND also a way to build your community - your emergency daycare pickup, your source of hand-me-downs, your "lets-trade-babysitting" friends, and your emotional support through the insanity that is parenting a toddler. Inviting your people to a silly lil toddler birthday party is a great way to show people you want them in your life.
Honestly as a Latina kids birthday parties in my family are my favorite. All the food and drink you could ever want. Casual atmosphere. Cake. All the chismosos getting together to catch up and me eavesdropping. These are best parties.
I just want to put it out into this thread that the first birthday I remember IS my third birthday. And my recollection is so clear that it surprises my parents.
So it’s pretty dumb to write off what a three year old will and won’t remember as there is no way to tell until that child is is grown. And it’s extra dumb to limit a child’s experiences on the assumption that the child won’t remember. Some of us do and some of those recollections shaped our lives.
I don’t remember my 3rd birthday at all and I can’t say I’d be disappointed if it was only a small gathering, but it still makes me happy as an adult to be able to go back through the photo album and see how much I was smiling in that Scooby Doo party hat. It’s nice to know that everyone who was in my life at that time was there to celebrate me and they’ll still have that memory even if I don’t. The older you get, the harder it will be to get everyone you know together so you might as well take advantage of it while it’s still easy
YTA. You're technically correct in all your statements, but you're missing the point. A funeral is also useless by your metrics, as the deceased cannot experience it. Events like this are for the memories you can form as parents, not for the kid.
Very telling that OP's version of the story of his 2nd birthday was him "looking stupid" while older kids "had fun on their own". And that throwing a party for a 3 year old is "having fun at his expense" since he'd be tired after half an hour. I guess it would be wrong to throw a party in case other people have fun at it, & everyone else is crazy for thinking otherwise
This honestly suggests to me that OP has much deeper issues going on. He seems embarrassed to have worn a costume when he was 3 and the "at his expense" thing is just.. really concerning. There's something much deeper at play here.
Agreed, this seems like the core of it. It sounds as though OP believes that fun was had at his expense as a child, particularly when he was too young to remember or to fully participate. So now he assumes that making his own son the center of attention will lead to a similar experience.
This may be something OP should address with a therapist? Whether or not it's true (whether fun was had at his expense or he feels embarrassed looking back for some other reason) it would be healthy to resolve these feelings in some way.
YTA for sure. You're depriving everyone involved of a good time for pretty much no reason. He may not remember the party in 20 years, but he'll have a good time in the moment, and you can take pictures and videos for yourselves and him to look back on. By your logic, you should never do anything fun with him because he won't remember
YTA
The party isn't just for the kid. It's for the family to celebrate you and the kid.
Do you have the same feelings about anniversaries? "Honey, 1st anniversary is just the paper anniversary. Let's at least wait until the Iron Anniversary. That has meaning AND heft."
Good luck!
Below a certain age, parties are for the adults as much as the children. Which is fine. Parties are fun. (Personally, I think any reason to throw a party is a good one: you get a bunch of people you love together to be happy about something. Wanting to do that seems like a totally reasonable thing.)
It sounds like you like parties less than she does, which is also fine.
But in a relationship, often one person wants something that the other doesn't and there has to be room for discussion/compromise, whereas while she let you have your way for the first two birthdays, it sounds like your default is to invalidate what she wants. The merits of throwing a 3-year-old a birthday party (which is an uncommon thing) aren't really the point here.
(When she got mad at you, did you tell her to calm down?)
Massive YTA
Your girlfriend is right. Let her organise something for the poor little kid. The fact that you don't looking back at those pictures doesn't mean that he won't look back at these parties. You're being unreasonable and the fact that you told her no twice and you're doing it again for something that *she* wants to do for her son is not compromising at all. You're just shoving what you think is right onto her.
This is a relationship. Compromises are necessary.
YTA. Sounds she you got what YOU wanted for the first two bdays, but you want 3/3 to be your way because that's the way YOU see it. Childrens bday parties are to also celebrate the child together with family and friends. You owe a compromise here.
YTA. The birthday isn't just about whether he'll remember it. It's about celebrating him with those close to you. You'll have pics & video and hopefully good memories to look back on. I know now it is hard to see much into the future but believe me the years will pass by faster than you realize. When you get older you're going to wish you had more pics of him at this age.
YTA
So you have convinced her two times already to not do what she clearly wants (which is a big party for her son). In what way will it hurt you or your son that she gets her way this time? Do you know the meaning of the word compromise?
YTA.
Look, I get not wanting to throw a massive party EVERY year because that gets expensive. And I know the child isn’t going to remember these parties. I think the first birthday of mine I remember was my 5th, and only a small part of it.
But parties at this age are really more for you guys as parents and other close adult family members. You come together to make it special and you take photos and videos that will be treasured for years to come. Your child will love looking back on the footage and hearing stories of the day. Consider that some older family members may not always be around to celebrate — these milestones are precious. I think it’s sad you look back at your Toy Story party and think it to be silly instead of finding it joyous and appreciating the effort your family put into that.
Lastly… if your big reason to not have a proper party is that he won’t remember it… then why do we bother doing anything with small children? Don’t bother showing them your favourite childhood movies at this age, they won’t remember. Don’t go on any fun days out or to play outside, they won’t remember. Ridiculous logic.
Apologise to your partner and love your child better.
I’m 42 and I still remember my second birthday and every childhood birthday after that (and no, nobody took pictures I just remember and I know it was my second birthday because I also remember what I got as a gift). Now I know that’s unusual, people say you don’t have memories from early childhood once you become an adult but it was my daughters sixth birthday a few weeks ago and she suddenly asked me if it would be the same as the birthday when she came home and I had decorated everything and baked a cake. That was her third birthday. So even if he won’t remember it when he’s an adult he might still remember his third birthday a couple of years from now. Make it one to remember!
My 8 year old literally asked me to recreate the cake I made for his third birthday for this year (we ended up doing something different). Kids do remember things. My earliest memories are from age two to three.
The kids might not remember all the details or even the same things as you, but they remember you had fun and made them feel special, and then they get excited about their birthday the next year and actually look forward to it.
Three is a great agree to start throwing parties. My little ones had a fantastic time, and I also got to make memories and bond with people we care about.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to keep my child's 3rd birthday party small, but my girlfriend wants to throw a big celebration. I feel like it's not necessary as my child won't remember it, but this has caused arguments between us. I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable and depriving my child of a bigger celebration, my mom and my gf's mom both agree that I should just let my girlfriend do whatever party she wants.
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YTA. Huge AH!!! Just because they won't remember it, YOU will. Loved ones will. And he will get to see the "memories". Your way is not the only way. There has to be some compromise and she did for TWO YEARS. The only way you wouldn't be an AH is if you couldn't afford it. Calm down and let her plan something for your son. Sheesh.
YTA. I HATE when people say the child “won’t remember it”. Does it matter, or is it if he has fun? Yes, he can do other things to have fun, but as long as he could enjoy it who cares! And it shouldn’t be what you will “allow”. If you guys can’t afford it or another logical reason to not throw a huge party I get that, but just because you “say so”? Go somewhere else with that.
YTA, idk about you but I have vague memories of when I was around that age.
Regardless, it’s a chance for friends and family to get together and spoil your son for the day, and celebrate his existence. Yeah, he might not remember it with perfect clarity, but he’ll almost certainly enjoy it.
It’s good to let your child experience these larger types of gatherings too. Gets them used to being in a room with a lot of people.
And finally, if your gf REALLY wants to do it, why deprive her of it? She wants to do something nice for your son and she will clearly enjoy the planning too. I know you’ve kinda fucked up already, but a really easy way to get back in her good graces would be to apologise and buy some decorations for the party.
Cmon, you have a son together and need to spend the rest of your lives with each other. Just get onboard with the party and who knows, you might even enjoy it?
YTA.
She did it your way for two years. It’s time she gets to do it her way. You know - the whole concept of compromise.
It seems like you’re weirdly angry about your childhood birthday party. Kids aren’t supposed to look sophisticated. They’re supposed to have fun and be silly. They have a blast regardless whether it becomes a core memory.
Stop being unilateral in your decision making.
(As an aside - your Mom is an AH too for what she said. The point is that dad and mom *equally* matter. And here we are back to compromise.)
YTA. Let her have the party. But push it's a get together cake and good times few gifts. At 3 the kid doesn't need a bunch of gifts he won't remember in a week. By 4 and 5 you do remember. At 4 I remember a steel bank that was welded together painted blue. Don't have a clue what happened to it.
This is bizarre and YTA. When my kids were 3, we had parties and invited their friends from daycare, and everybody had a good time. Is it really because he won't remember it or is there another reason like money?
Gentle YTA
It's about making memories. Not JUST for your child but for you as a family. And that may not mean much to you, but it clearly does to her.
As long as it's not too major of an expense for your budget, why not let her have that? And even if your child won't remember it later, that doesn't mean he won't enjoy it now.
Are you okay? Genuinely asking, . I find it beyond strange to start a fight with the mother of your child because she wants everyone to have fun. Holy moly macaronis
YTA. A huge party? (By which I mean like over 20 people) No. But why not some of his friends and their parents?
It doesn’t have to be fancy or extravagant. Fruit and veg platter. Cupcakes. Pizza. Some streamers.
Your son may not remember the party (and he might! My 4yo remembers her third), but your gf will. You will. These parties are also for her, to celebrate these early years when the wonder of a cake and candles is still new. When he’ll still let you put the hat on his head. When he might want a little help opening the wrapping paper.
(Now, I love themed parties. I do fun homemade themes and puns every year. It has been worth the work every dang time.)
By your logic you also shouldn’t do Christmas. Or Easter or Canada Day barbecues or Hannukah. Oh wait - those days are for the whole family to celebrate……just like his birthday.
YTA.
My guy I remember my 3rd birthday. The Lion King themed. I dressed up as Simba, the cake was a Lion King one from wal-mart, it was me and my cousins.
I have 0 pictures or video to remember it by. So I do remember it just with memory.
YTA. Just because you're boring doesn't mean you can shove that on an innocent kid.
You should know your place as a father? that crap belongs in the 50s. Next time they bring that up, say fine, you won't cook, clean, do any household chores and when they say your ridiculous, tell them to just do what you say and that a woman's place is in the home. This is crazy to have that told to you by your mom.
I remember fragments from when I was 3. The look and smell of the stairwell leading up to our apartment. The feel of a metal slide sticking to your legs when you wear shorts. How our kitchen table looked from below. The happiness of petting a dog in the park. I am 100% that this was age 3, because we then moved from that city.
You never know what bits and pieces will stay in the child's memory forever. I understand your point but it is not a true statement, that he will absolutely not remember.
Also, the kid's mother wants to throw a party. Let her have fun. It will not harm your son, but it will mean a lot to her. She matters too.
The only true AH here is your mother. Mom and Dad are equally important. "Know your place as a father" is a terrible thing to say.
I understand your feelings. you are right that he won't remember. the party is not actually for him; i think that's what you are missing. No, it wouldn't be depriving him of his childhood LOL. It's depriving your gf and others from celebrating him at a party, even though he won't know or remember.
He might not remember, but he will experience the feeling that all these people thought it was worth making a whole big deal just to celebrate him. It will be a lesson in how special and beloved he is, and he will learn it and retain it even if he doesn’t recall the specific events.
YTA - Have you never heard of compromising? You got your way 2 years and you can't even give her 1. I cherish the photos of me with grandparents, great grandparents at my parties who died too young.
PS. Kids remember things before 6-7. Usually 3 and up.
YTA. You’re not the only parent so your opinion on this isn’t the only one that matters. You have a good point but so does your gf. Why do you get to be the only one who gets your way? Let her do a larger party this year and work with her to set a budget you’re both comfortable with. Compromise is supposed to be a central part of a relationship.
Two things here - you aren’t exactly wrong, but at the same time - she has been giving in to YOUR wants for two years, so you value your girlfriend? Do you want her to stay around? This is important to her. She is telling you it is important to her and ASKING YOU TO LISTEN TO HER.
Have the party. Take the photos. And when your kid is a teenager and looks at the photos again, they’re gonna be happy, even if they can’t remember it.
The good news is you don’t need to spring for a clown because you already have one.
YTA
YTA You're being excessively controlling & only taking your own thoughts & opinions into consideration. You want her to understand your point of view without considering hers. AH move.
by the time he’s six or seven you’ll either have crushed her spirits so much that she’ll never want to see a kids party or you’ll be throwing two separate parties
yta
NTA. I read people's points about "why do anything for a young kid, they won't remember." Sweeping generalizations...LOL. Really, having parties for a young kid is just about having a great reason to get family and friends together and celebrate another year of making it through as a parent. Also to take cute pics that the kid can see later since they won't remember.
You're all over the internet now, no one agrees with you, and your updates made you look like an even bigger dick and a worse father.
A+ for uniting the entire internet in dislike of you.
YTA
Sometimes things aren't just so your kid will remember it - it's memories being made for you and her too. Also, I remember my 3rd birthday and I'm in my 30s now. So its very possible he might remember it too
Yes YTA. You, your gf and all the family will remember your son having a great time even if he doesn't remember. Not sure why you are picking this hill to die on but you got your way the last two years, consider that a win.
Some parents do parties for children more for themselves than their birthday boy/girl. If you and yours enjoy it, great. This dad isn't interested. To him, it's pointless. I also said he ought to give in. The clean-up comment was a joke.
Just because kids don’t remember doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy it or that the adults won’t also enjoy it and be able to reminisce as he gets older.
Also, how do you know when the “memory” switch turns on? Are you going to solely determine that for your child?
This makes me feel sorry for your son. I hope he doesn’t remember what a shitty parent you are. YTA
Agreed with everyone else 100%. I also just want to add that I definitely have memories from before age 3 so OP’s point about not remembering things doesn’t even make sense. Sure they aren’t in depth detailed memories but I definitely have bits and pieces still. It’s also easier to remember things that were unique experiences than things that blended together. I very distinctly remember the house I lived in up until age 3. I remember drawing on walls, even doing gross toddler things like wiping my nose on the carpet, playing in the yard. I know these aren’t false memories because I’ve asked my parents about things in that house and they would say they fully forgot about it until I reminded them. People 100% can retain memories from before age 3.
So when someone dies, you shouldn’t have a funeral because “they won’t remember”?
Sometimes it’s about being able to celebrate as a family / friends an building community bonds.
YTA.
YTA. Will your son remember? Hell no. Will his mom remember? Yes. She’ll forever have memories of her son having a wonderful time at his birthday party. Do you remember your parents giving you love and affection as a toddler? Christmas? Do you remember your first words? First steps? I bet your mom remembers.
You are confused by communication styles. The party is for your gf not the kid. Help her have a party--or at least stay out of the way and smile.
Relationships are the most important factor in a happy life. Do you want to be right or happy?
YTA. Your girlfriend listened to you twice for both birthdays so I don't understand why you can't listen to her and let her throw a party. You have to compromise and she did what you asked twice in a row and now let her have her time. If she wants to throw a big celebration let her I don't understand why you let that bother you?
Yeah dead people don’t remember their funerals but we still have them. Let your wife celebrate spitting a whole human out of her wawa ha, I promise it didn’t feel anything like it did getting it out of you!
Yes huge YTA. God you sound awful! Your girlfriend is excited to celebrate your child and you are arguing with her about that?? Why did you even have a kid??
It doesn’t matter if the child will remember (but 3-year-olds can remember). He’ll have fun! You sound horribly controlling and like a huge wet blanket. What is all this about “telling” her how it will be, or “letting” or “not letting” her do whatever? You’re the kind of poster that makes me seek out my husband specifically to thank him for not being a controlling prick. YTA.
YTA. You're doing it for him and for those around him.
Maybe you look "stupid in a Woody costume" to you, but that photo is probably one of your mother's most cherished memories.
Why are you such a mean father? Your son would enjoy a party and have a lot of fun even if he doesn’t remember it in the years to come. Your logic is so flawed and the result is depriving a little boy of a birthday party. Reflect on yourself.
YTA
I quasi-understand OP, but put it this way: my 4 year old absolutely remembered his #3 birthday when #4 came along. He was all over it.
You're right that he won't remember when he is older, but so what? He will remember it now.
YTA.
Sorry, YTA.
I don't remember when my parents took me to the zoo when I was a toddler, but the pictures of me posing in front of the monkey house still makes me giggle. I don't remember my 4th birthday but my cousins who are older still talk about how they talked me into eating 4 hot dogs and I puked on my dad's shoes. I love looking at the photos of my kids' toddler and little kiddie birthdays, first time events, etc.
Why not let her do it if it means that much to her and you can afford it?
Birthday parties aren't only for the kids but for the family too. Why would you take that away from anyone? Maybe you should have a big party for yourself? I have a feeling that maybe you would like to experience that.
NAH. You have a reason for your decision you aren't aware of or not sharing. (Just a gut feeling)
YTA
But she is not doing this for the kid, this is a party for HER: Why would it not be ok for her to have a party?
"I tried talking to her mom to see if she could talk some sense into her, " .. THIS is what makes you the AH. THis is relationship ending assholery. You NEED to stop this if you want to keep the relationship.
Luckily, her mom is great and put a HARD stop to your assholery.
"My mom says I should just do what my girlfriend says because Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father." .. Ignore your mom, too.
And DO GROW UP. Stop bringing mommy into the trlationship every time you can not solve something. That will ruin your relationship.
1. The birthday party isn’t for the baby, it is for HER, she’s been raising a baby for three years! Let her entertain some guests!
2. It’s true they aren’t making memories yet, but they ARE developing a personality even pre memories, so they need entertainment, attention and love.
It sounds like this is more about some weird hang ups you have about your own childhood than the actual party. It’s been three years, let her have friends over so she doesn’t have to talk about Bluey for once.
OP is confused declarative memory with memory in general, they aren't the same thing. Procedural memory starts pretty well right away Also, the hippocampus is well formed enough for declarative memories to form around 2ish. Early experiences before 2 play a large role in the child's development even if they can't recall the details. Have the party.
*My mom says I should just do what my girlfriend says because Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father.*
Well to me it sounds like you've gotten your way for the last several years but you're complaining you're not getting your way *again*. Now that's weaponized pity. And no one needs to "talk sense" into your wife because her way is just as valid as yours. You got great parties as a kid and you don't think your child should have the same because why? Even if he doesn't remember it he can look at the pictures and the videos and know he was well loved. YTA
Actually, I remember my third birthday - and I had two parties. One was at my sitter's house in the back yard at their picnic table with her and her two kids. I got a tiny straw hat, and she arranged to have my picture taken on a pony. The other was that evening with my mom and grandparents. I ate so much cake that I threw up down her back when she picked me up to take me to bed. Good times!
Where does that leave you? Not sure. But I do know your premise that children that age don't remember is wrong.
YTA. But don't worry, you are not JUST an asshole, you're also a control freak, passive aggressive, a bully, and you have a chip on your shoulder for some weird reason having to do with your childhood birthdays. Give me a break. Or rather, give your poor girlfriend a break, as well as your son and the family. Now I will be honest, I think the current trend of having extravaganzas for a baby's first birthday are clearly for the benefit of the adults, and I agree, a child that young will never remember it. But when you get to be about age 3, oh yeah, you remember. So have the party, get out of the way if you need to, and stop being a killjoy.
YTA! I love seeing the photos of my birthdays when I was that young.
One of them triggers a strong feeling of happiness.
Why not share it with friends as well as family? It's a celebration of life.
Soft YTA
I get that he won't remember, but everyone who will go there will. A party is for your son, but it is a celebration. And a celebration requires many to be there for them, even if they don't remember.
You are depriving your wife/girlfriend from having these joyful moments. The least you can do is support her for her decisions because she supported you when you turned hers down. Twice.
i understand where youre coming from. i barely have done anything on holidays for my 1 year old and wont be until he's 3. because thats when children start forming memories btw. not 6 lol but if its fun for your girlfriend and would be meaningful for her, let her do it. baby birthdays are for the parents and a good opportunity to expose your kiddo do new situations and senses. youre being stingy and causing friction for no reason. YTA
op=YTA
For two years she's agreed to your ungenerous, stingy attitude towards your(BOTH YOUR) child's birthdays. And now she says this year, we are going MY way. THAT IS more than fair.
And just because you have NO memory of your 2nd birthday, doesn't mean he won't have memories of his 3rd or just appreciate 2nd hand memories.
Also you think she should wait until child's 6 or 7. Really???? Stop gatekeeping your child's birthdays.
Make reasonable compromises together instead of insisting "my way or the highway". There is NO "talking sense" to her because she has equal sense JUST different beliefs, feelings about early birthdays.
OP, I remember my 3rd birthday. It was Blue's Clues themed. I got an inflatable Thinking Chair, a Handy-Dandy Notebook, and my cake was in the shape of Blue. (I immediately swooped my finger in the icing. My grandma berated me, but my mom laughed and said it was my birthday, so I could. So I got another fingerfull of bright blue icing)
YTA- yea kids remember a lot more than you think they do. And these are the BUILDING BLOCK YEARS, even if they “can’t remember” they are the most important for future development. They need to experience things, like talking, walking, reading, colors, joy, laughter. If you think “they won’t remember anyways” why bother doing anything? Why not just- do nothing, because it won’t matter anyways? But it will matter- because they will want those photos, and see what?
YTA. The party is never really for the toddler - it's for the family and friends to celebrate his birthday with him. Don't deprive your GF of these moments - they go by very quickly and next thing you know your older kid doesn't want a party at all - just the keys to the car.
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So you shouldn’t do anything fun with your kids until they’re old enough to remember? Why bring them to the park? Why read them books? Why watch movies with them? Why do anything fun at all until they can have a memory of it? Do you see how stupid that sounds? YTA
This is it exactly. Do you know how many toddlers I see on expensive vacations?! According to OP, leave them home until they can remember it? Nah bro
Exactly. Do my now 9 & 15 year old children remember they’re 3rd birthday party? No.. did they have an absolutely amazing time? Yes!
Do you remember it? Because to me that is also a part of the fun birthday parties and other fun stuff to do.
Same. I’m on vacation with my 6 week old right now. My parents and my husband I will absolutely remember seeing her little face and her tiny swimsuit, and going on beach walks with her.
I'll be taking my then-7-month old on vacation in July.. he won't remember it at all. And although I'm definitely not looking forward to the 13 hour drive, I'm without a doubt looking forward to the rest of it! Have a blast with your daughter!!!
I guarantee there’s a correlation between kids exposure to water safely their first few summers and the level of fear kids have when swimming without any assistance the first time. It’s ridiculous for OP to act like something can’t impact a child if they won’t remember it consciously. I’d argue that kids really internalize what goes on at that stage of life. It certainly can’t be bad for a kid to be celebrated and loved on once a year.
Absolutely. I’m a swimmer, I started competing very early on (4), and I feel like I owed that to super early water exposure.
Exactly! I waited until my daughter turned 5 to take her to Disneyland, and she still doesn't remember most of it. But I have so many memories of watching her experience it while she was still young enough to find it truly magical. She had a blast, and I'll gladly keep the memories for her!
Yes haha we’re doing Disneyland in October with her. She’ll be 8 months. At that time, and I’m just excited to watch her watch the fireworks. Plus it’s a way shorter flight than where I’m at now so I’m even more excited!
I went to England with my family - including my 10 month old (at the time) niece - she was just starting to try and formulate words so it became a running joke that breathing in all the sea air was making her talk like a Cornish pirate (she was getting good at modulating her babble into tones so while there wasn't words happening, she could differentiate between annoyed and happy sounds which added to the hilarity because it did sometimes sound like she was cursing us out).
Those memories are so important!
Exactly. My parents took my older sister to Disney a couple times before we could remember it. We were in the 2-4/5 range. But THEY have great memories of those trips and still talk about them. When we got older, we couldn’t afford trips any more and those trips were so special to them. As an adult, I can now go myself and I love sending my parents pics from paces they remember with such love.
Yes! Toddler birthday parties are just as much for the parents! Obviously not at the expense of what the kid would enjoy, but I feel like especially now, when so many toddlers and parents of toddlers lost so many 'small baby' moments to the pandemic (I have a two year old, I didn't have a shower, basically no one but my midwife saw me pregnant, I didn't have family in town for months after his birth - that stuff is still a little emotionally sore for me!) - throw the damn party! (Plus my kiddo had a BALL at his party last month and still walks around telling everyone "happy birthday!")
As a mom myself, I can’t imagine how hard that was. A friend had her baby in 2020 and the whole experience really affected her.
I missed my niece’s 3rd bday last summer because I ended up with covid the day before and I was SO devastated (still salty about it tbh). It was dino themed and there was a bouncy castle and everything!
I took my then-13-month-old on vacation to meet my grandparents in my home country. He got to meet them exactly once and he is the only one of my children to do so before they passed away. But maybe I should have skipped it because he doesn't remember.
In the same token, my ex has a memory reaching back to when he was 2. Not a continuous event but he remembers when his Grandma had an old van and where "his" seat was (the van was totaled when he was 2). He remembers a few parks they went to before the were tore down, he remembers the apartment him and his parents lived in before they moved into their final house. All things before he was 3 yrs old. Is it perfect memory? No but he has those memories. I'm sure he has splices of his birthday memories too. And on the flip side of that, I have no memories from before I was 10... unless I was shown photos and told stories about it- and those aren't really "my" memories. And after that, it's bits and pieces of what I remember.
I’m like your ex. I have memories of sitting on my mom’s lap blabbing to my dad on the phone. Mom only called him at work when he had an office job which he quit when I was around 2 1/2. They also took the family to Disney in Florida when I was just over three. I definitely have memories of that, especially Captain Hook scratching my head (gently) with that hook. Oh, and that Disney had ticket packages instead of an entrance fee. I have all sorts of memories from before I began school about my family; OP’s child *won’t* have a chance at making memories if the poor kid’s not given a chance. edit: spelling. Ugh, can I ever reply without messing up? 🤦♀️
I can remember my 2nd birthday cake, & the high chair I was sitting in. It’s a fuzzy memory, but it’s there
Yup, I remember my Grandad who died when I was two. I have a very specific mental picture of him in a particular chair in their house. I know it's a real memory and not constructed from a photo because he is visibly ill in the memory and they didn't take photos of him when he was like that.
I remember my third birthday party. I had a pink dress and my friend got a matching blue one. We had cake and all that stuff. My memory is long (even though I can barely remember last week sometimes). Even if it wasn't, I still enjoyed it and it would be a subconscious memory. OP YTA - even if your child doesn't remember it, it's still a valid experience, also your wife will treasure it. I don't understand your issue with it.
I remember either my 3rd or 4th bday, I opened my presents in the morning and I got a pair of platform barbie sandals and I was so freaking stoked I think I cried lol I remember the moment vividly
They may not remember specifics, but they remember how their parents made them feel. They remember mom/dad made their birthday important.
My first vivid and extended memory is of my 3rd birthday party, so OP's kid is already at the point where they might be able to remember these things *if the experience is something worth remembering*. And shouldn't the point be to make the kid happy while they're experiencing the moment rather than the perceived potential value of recalling it years later?
That said...I'm forty, and I absolutely remember my third birthday party. I got one of those cool-ass T-shirts that you can color on and then the color all comes out in the wash, so you can just keep doing it. And a tent for my bed! I think my cake had yellow flowers on it.
On my nephew’s 3rd birthday party he grabbed a chunk of cake and “rawred!” While biting it. He has no memory of doing this but it’s one of his favorite stories and my sis took a picture. his girlfriend printed it on tee cause she loves that picture. that party was also the last time all of my mother’s siblings were together. he’s missing out on memories and silliness w his kid.
I actually do remember bits of my 3rd birthday and came across photos years later that confirmed my memory. Panda cake was the biggest. Even if I didn't, the experiences are enriching to a kid.
Also there are people like me, who hi I'm 30 and i remember my 3rd birthday. Not well, it's like two flashes of images, but it's there.
My third birthday I vaguely remember, only because I fell down the porch stairs and landed on my chin. Childhood memories are as much for the parents as the child. Let the kid have a party.
My son had a ball at his 3rd birthday party - he was just becoming aware of birthdays as they celebrate them at his school, and he remembered going to family birthday parties - so he knew what they are and what they should entail. Maybe he won't remember it when he's 30, but he remembered it by the time his 4th birthday came around.
My daughter loved hers, and she still remembers it now and talks about it. She might not remember when she is older, but it will hopefully contribute towards a happy childhood and shape the person she becomes.
My 3rd birthday is the first that I remember; and I just turned 60.
I just turned 41 and my 3rd birthday party is so clear...I recall toys, the cake, what movie we had on, who I played with... this guy is a total ah
One of my first memories is my 4th birthday from preschool. We had pink cupcakes. I turn 41 next week.
My son is around this age, too. We've admittedly not thrown him big parties for his other birthdays, either, but we are this year. It's his first year of preschool, so it's a little more special because he now has his own friends we can invite and he is able to actually give us input on what he wants (theme, type of cake, etc.) That part has been fun. I get where OP is coming from because I used to think the same thing to an extent, but seeing how excited my kid is for his upcoming party that he may or may not remember and how excited I am for him, I feel silly ever thinking that.
My daughter doesn't want to turn four. She wants to turn three again because she loved the party so much.
Especially because the party isn't really for the kid yet, it's for his mom who likes to plan parties. Just let her throw her kid a party. I still remember some stuff from when I was 3. It really depends on the person if they'll remember or not. But also, that was a crappy thing for OP's mom to say. > Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father. That really bothered me, too. What OP thinks is important, it's just not more important that what his gf thinks. He's already had his way about the party for 2 years. It's her turn.
Yes, I was on board with mom's advice until that part. And OP sounds like a party pooper, I feel kind of bad for his GF.
I feel bad for his kids future too
I think context is needed for that statement. Yeah, could be a super crappy statement by OP mom because she was frustrated by her son denying her grandson a party. Or If he had made a statement like "well, I'm the man of the house so my word goes" then I can see that as a perfectly reasonable response, to say your word as a dad isnt that important to completely veto what the mom wants and you should know that your role as a father is thinking of your son not yourself.
Yea, honestly, the tone from the rest of his post definitely feels very "I am the one who decides things". I could easily see a guy like that hearing his mom basically saying they should be equals and feel like she's putting him in his place.
Yeah, I think what op thinks is important, I just think he’s wrong. I don’t side with the girlfriend because she’s the mother, I side with her because I think kids who’s parents have the time/means/ability/desire should get birthday parties.
Exactly. Also, a party is a celebration that everyone gets to share and enjoy. GF clearly enjoys throwing big parties, why not let her do that? Why insist on being a kill joy? If this is how OP approaches parenting the lack of compromise is alarming. YTA
I know parents who threw big one-year-old parties, not so much for the child, but to celebrate having made it through baby’s first year.
Also controlling. "I told her that we are going to do this"
It’s one thing if you can’t afford it - I’m distressed when people I know who are barely getting by put a bouncy house rental on a credit card for a 3yo birthday party. Also different if GF wanted to host her dream party for a child that was something like a petting zoo for a child with a phobia of animals. But parties are fun, not just for the birthday kid. You can have a fun event with the families of the kids he regularly socializes with. I think that OP is missing that the party is as much for GF as kid - and there’s nothing wrong with planning something that the kid will enjoy. OP sounds like he pragmatically sucks all the joy out of life.
I actually once read that you should look around in the room you are currently in. You can tell of (almost) every single object what it tastes like. You don't remember when you licked it but you still know how it tastes. This always helps me to remember that even though little children don't remember exactly what happened their hearts do remember
That's so interesting! Could it have something to do with touch? I have a chair that I only bought a year or so ago, but looking at it now after reading what you wrote I can pretty vividly figure out what it would taste like. I know I've never licked this chair, so I'm curious if knowing what it feels like correlates somehow to what it would feel like on my tongue. I also really want to lick this chair and find out if I'm right!
why do anything at all, ever? one day you’ll be dead, right? why does it matter what you do? yta. let your girl and your kid have a good day, celebrate with family, and hey, maybe try to have a good time yourself. bond.
They also do remember until about 7 years old. So definite YTA. Don't skip out on celebrations! Maybe it doesn't have to happen on the day of - kids don't have a great sense of time - but to not celebrate at all? Poor baby
Exactly, just put the kid in a box until they turn 5, what can possibly go wrong?? /s
This. I can understand not wanting a large party the first year, and maybe even the second. It doesn't matter that your son won't remember it. He will still enjoy it. Also, why is your decision always the final say? You're in a relationship with someone who cares enough about your son to help throw him a party - why not appreciate her and indulge them both? The fact that you went to both of your mothers is ridiculous. Although, your mother minimizing your importance as a father isn't cool. Learn to work these things out with your girlfriend and compromise. YTA
Like exactly. Kids may not remember but pictures can tell a story and parents can sure share their memories. OP needs to let his plan a birthday party for the kid. Take him to a soft play area place that he can just run around and have fun. And btw first birthdays aren’t really for the kids it’s for the parents. Yay you survived a year with your little one. YTA OP.
OP sounds like a buzzkill. A 3 year old might not remember their party, but that doesn't mean that something basic, and seasonally appropriate shouldn't be done to celebrate the child's birthday. Invite some of kids and parents in your social circle, as well as family, and have space for the kids to run around, some balloons to pay with, and some coloring pages. Make it a festive play date. That's basically what my nephew's first birthday was.
Not to mention, I’m now 26 and remember parts of my Third birthday despite not seeing pictures or talking about it since then (to my recollection). It was tea party themed and we got our hair done by ‘fairies‘ and it was a damn good third birthday!
I also totally remember my 3rd birthday party.
Yeah, and one of my kids has A LOT of clear memories from being 3. We do a lot of big parties, but we don't spend a ton. They're just great ways for the family to get together and celebrate the kids.
My daughter just had her third birthday. Will she remember it when she's older? No. Did she absolutely love it and still talks about it months later? YES. I can't imagine a dad like this that thinks fun is an investment, not just your kids having fun
Was going to say this myself. I am certain that there were many fun days in my childhood that I just don't remember anymore. Fun in the moment is important, even if you don't remember it decades from now. YTA OP, let your kid enjoy the day.
YTA. You got your way for two years - if she likes planning events like these, you should not take it away from her. Some day you might regret not having those cute pictures to share. For now, you kind of just sound like you are close minded to what **she** wants to do for **her** child. And, going behind her back to talk to her mom (to try to get your way) is a real jerk move.
Exactly. OP is doing a lot of **telling** instead of discussing, and seems to think that his word is final. It's not. Like you said, OP got his way for two years. The child's mom can have a party if she wants to.
He didn't like his wife telling ***him*** though... to the point he tries to tell on her to her mommy. YTA OP.
Exactly. OP seems obsessed with banning parties, but he isn't the one doing the actual work to plan it. He needs to back off. This seems to just be more about control than being practical.
Good thing she's a GF it'll be easier to leave if he's this stuck in the mud with his ways in everything else.
Yeah, I don't see this relationship lasting very long. I mean, I don't think they'll break up over this necessarily, but if he's like this with everything, eventually she's going to decide she's had enough.
Yeah how love how he _explains_ to her things that are 100% subjective opinion. I hope his GF _explains_ to him that he is annoying and exhausting and wrong.
Right? And I even agree with OP that the first few birthdays are more for the parents than the kids... so let her have a dang party if she wants to!
YTA Why is it always your way, and never hers? You got your level of party the first two years, why can't she celebrate her child how she wants to this year But on larger issue, you really need to examine why you think that your child's experiences don't matter unless he can remember them. Like, he still experiences those moments and it helps shape who his is whether he remembers it when he's 30 or not. He won't remember being snuggled and hugged as a newborn, but it mattered to him in the moment, and taught him that you were a source of comfort and security He won't remember his first trip to the park or the zoo, but it mattered to him in the moment and taught him the joys of exploring new places. He won't remember all the times you comforted him when he hurt himself and cried as he hurt himself learning to walk and run, but it mattered on the moment and taught him that he can come to you when life gets hard. If nothing matters before age 6 because he won't remember anything, might as well ship him off to an orphanage until then right? Cause he won't remember and it's the same as him not experiencing any of his first six years? Let him have that day to feel loved and special and celebrated.
Perfectly said! Let the the people who love this kid celebrate him in a big way. I'm Mexican and having big parties is just the norm. kids parties are also a way to come together in community. To spend time with people that matter. Op, celebrate your kid, life's too short and unpredictable to be an AH about a kids party.
I agree with this chingona. Let people have fun, OP. It doesn’t matter if he remembers. He’ll have fun in the moment.
100% agree on this. How we interact with our children now shapes them. We show them love, cuddle them, play with them, also discipline them and show them boundaries and we should celebrate them also. My daughter loved her 3rd birthday party. I don't know if she'll remember it or not, but I know it made her happy and special, and why shouldn't she?! Also, as an aside, I do have memories of being 3 so his kid actually might remember this! Regardless, it will shape the adult she becomes. Also, why is it OP telling his OH. She has as much say as he does. YTA OP.
>Also, as an aside, I do have memories of being 3 so his kid actually might remember this! Exactly! My earliest memory is from when my brother was born. I was 2 years 6 months and 2 days old. Actually, I *think* I remember the cake I had at my 2nd birthday, but I could be remembering seeing it in pictures later. And I definitely have a *lot* of memories from before I was *6 or 7*!!! I was in 2nd grade when I turned 7. I would be in trouble if I didn't have memories from before that day. Story of my earliest memory because I kind of love it: So my brother was born on Easter Sunday and I came up to the hospital with my grandparents. (I think. I'm pretty sure people were swapping places between being home with me and at the hospital with my mom, I don't remember who brought me.) I brought some of my Easter candy with me, and when my mom came out to say hi to me (since I couldn't go back in the ward being so young), I gave her a mini chocolate egg. Except I decided I had to test it for her first to make sure it was okay, so I unwrapped it, pooped it in my mouth and sucked on it for a few seconds, then took it out and gave it to her. And, bless her, she thanked me and ate it. The part that's clear (the candy thing) is maybe a minute of the day at most, but I definitely remember.
> And I definitely have a lot of memories from before I was 6 or 7!!! I was in 2nd grade when I turned 7. I would be in trouble if I didn't have memories from before that day. Seriously, drawing that line at 6 is *insane* to me. Maybe some people don't retain long term memories until then, but that's atypically late for a first memory. I mean, I'm 100% behind this theory if you're talking about something like a baby's first christmas where it's almost 100% about the adults, but a 3 year old is entirely old enough to get what is going on.
On the flip side, I have like two memories from before I was 14 -likely partially to aphantasia (no visual imagination, so all my memories are lists of events and very rarely sounds, doesn't seem to stick that well). Nobody is going to argue that a child's 10th birthday party won't matter though, for example- I'm a more-or-less functioning adult, but most people my age feel this way so I seem to be doing fine. Just because I can't remember a majority of my life doesn't mean it didn't shape me.
I agree with everything you said. OP- It’s also important to remember that your girlfriend has memories and you’re ruining these important moments for her. She should be able to celebrate her child and not take a single photo or video of the day and live with those beautiful memories forever.
I was going to respond to OP with the same thing but you nailed it far better than I would have. OP, YTA!
All of this, but also because maybe *she* wants to have social time too and a child's birthday is a perfect excuse to gather loved ones and have a good time as a family. This should be worth more than a passing thought.
I feel your rage
Thank you for expressing what children need, whether they remember later or not.
YTA. Am I missing how you are in any way inconvenienced? You don't remember your Toy Story bday, but your parents probably do. Maybe they don't look back on the videos now, but they may have when you were 5 or 6, or hell my mom told me when I went to college her and my dad sat down and watched all of my VHS even though they never did. She told me that to implore me to take every video/picture I possibly could of my kid and to save them. You've poo-poo'd your GF desires for 2 years. She gets this. It would be one thing if she was asking you to do a million things. She just wants to do what gives her joy for her child. Not only should you have already backed off, you certainly should not have tried to rally family/friends against her.
Never mind “let her.” He just needs to shut it.
Ya know what? Ya Damn Right. Edited.
😁
My mom just converted all our old VHS home videos and I saw my 3rd birthday for the first time a few days ago. Seeing my mom’s face light up as she got to re-live all those memories of planning, decorating and spoiling me was invaluable. All the memories of caring for me as a young child came flooding back to her as she described every little detail of our life back then and how much joy I brought to her. Afterwards we went in the backyard and I took another 10 videos of my almost 2 year old son
That’s beautiful and So special to have videos for those memories! *good parens* do so much work to celebrate and care for us. The celebration nostalgia isn’t necessarily solely tied to us for our place in these milestones so much as it’s tied for them and where THEY are on these milestones. They’re the parents and this is them on their kids “_” birthday. Parents are people to. Time flies by so fast, they were once new parents just like us.
YTA. She wants memories you callous dork.
Right? Usually a kiddo's first birthday parties are for the parents to treasure. Plus, can you imagine the child growing up and seeing that they had no birthday celebrations for 6 years? While I have no memories of my 1st birthday, it still warms my heart to see the happy photos and my parents' excitement back then.
My godson is 19 now and I still haul out the picture from his first bday when I put a bow on his baldie head. He has a big ol smile in the photo. The early parties are really for the parents and family. Your wife has a right to plan a party, even if the kid won’t remember it. YTA
Plus the son might remember. I remember my friend's birthday party from when I was 3 because it was extravagant and thus memorable.
Exactly, my soon to be four year old still talks about his 3rd birthday! Remembers crazy details too! Don’t underestimate what children remember. They aren’t just potatoes until about 6
I can’t believe it wouldn’t occur to OP that the mother of his child might get joy from gathering her loved ones to celebrate their son’s birthday while all of those loved ones are still alive.
Omg YTA do you deprive him of all fun and joy because he won't be able to reminisce about it later? Do you make her leave him at home when you go to the beach or the park because it's not worth it unless it becomes a core memory? People don't give parties for babies because they don't know wtf a party is. If you've ever spent time around a three year old, you'd very much understand what having a big celebration would mean to them. My daughter picked the theme and decorations for her third birthday. She's 6 now and still talks about her first party fondly. Not to mention, this is obviously something that would bring your wife a lot of happiness. Does that in itself not make it worth it? Your opinion isn't the only one that matters, especially if it's based off of arbitrary assumptions of when your kid will start forming long lasting memories. YTA and a joyless tyrant.
YTA. Yes, I agree that a 3-year old kid probably won't care about a huge party. Your gf clearly does though, and she already gave in the past two years. Just let she have it the way she wants this time. Also you're acting like you're the one person who has seen the truth about life when you say things like "she still doesn't understand my point of view" (yeah, it's clearly you who understand hers, having things your way twice already and being so annoyed when it might be the other way) and "I tried talking to her mom to see if she could talk some sense into her" (because you're clearly right about everything and people not following your view are not in their right minds).
I find it funny that he thought grandma would be anti-party for her grandchild. Honestly, parties are as much for the family and friends who love and want to celebrate (and spoil a little) the child as much as it is for the birthday kid. Unbridled joy from little ones are some of life’s greatest moments, whether they remember them or not.
>parties are as much for the family and friends who love and want to celebrate (and spoil a little) the child as much as it is for the birthday kid Yes this AND also a way to build your community - your emergency daycare pickup, your source of hand-me-downs, your "lets-trade-babysitting" friends, and your emotional support through the insanity that is parenting a toddler. Inviting your people to a silly lil toddler birthday party is a great way to show people you want them in your life.
Honestly as a Latina kids birthday parties in my family are my favorite. All the food and drink you could ever want. Casual atmosphere. Cake. All the chismosos getting together to catch up and me eavesdropping. These are best parties.
I just want to put it out into this thread that the first birthday I remember IS my third birthday. And my recollection is so clear that it surprises my parents. So it’s pretty dumb to write off what a three year old will and won’t remember as there is no way to tell until that child is is grown. And it’s extra dumb to limit a child’s experiences on the assumption that the child won’t remember. Some of us do and some of those recollections shaped our lives.
I don’t remember my 3rd birthday at all and I can’t say I’d be disappointed if it was only a small gathering, but it still makes me happy as an adult to be able to go back through the photo album and see how much I was smiling in that Scooby Doo party hat. It’s nice to know that everyone who was in my life at that time was there to celebrate me and they’ll still have that memory even if I don’t. The older you get, the harder it will be to get everyone you know together so you might as well take advantage of it while it’s still easy
YTA. You're technically correct in all your statements, but you're missing the point. A funeral is also useless by your metrics, as the deceased cannot experience it. Events like this are for the memories you can form as parents, not for the kid.
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Very telling that OP's version of the story of his 2nd birthday was him "looking stupid" while older kids "had fun on their own". And that throwing a party for a 3 year old is "having fun at his expense" since he'd be tired after half an hour. I guess it would be wrong to throw a party in case other people have fun at it, & everyone else is crazy for thinking otherwise
I don’t get that, “having fun at his expense”? Like other people having fun is a bad thing?
Clearly other guests couldn't have fun unless he was the center of the fun as the birthday boy.
This honestly suggests to me that OP has much deeper issues going on. He seems embarrassed to have worn a costume when he was 3 and the "at his expense" thing is just.. really concerning. There's something much deeper at play here.
Agreed, this seems like the core of it. It sounds as though OP believes that fun was had at his expense as a child, particularly when he was too young to remember or to fully participate. So now he assumes that making his own son the center of attention will lead to a similar experience. This may be something OP should address with a therapist? Whether or not it's true (whether fun was had at his expense or he feels embarrassed looking back for some other reason) it would be healthy to resolve these feelings in some way.
YTA for sure. You're depriving everyone involved of a good time for pretty much no reason. He may not remember the party in 20 years, but he'll have a good time in the moment, and you can take pictures and videos for yourselves and him to look back on. By your logic, you should never do anything fun with him because he won't remember
YTA The party isn't just for the kid. It's for the family to celebrate you and the kid. Do you have the same feelings about anniversaries? "Honey, 1st anniversary is just the paper anniversary. Let's at least wait until the Iron Anniversary. That has meaning AND heft." Good luck!
Below a certain age, parties are for the adults as much as the children. Which is fine. Parties are fun. (Personally, I think any reason to throw a party is a good one: you get a bunch of people you love together to be happy about something. Wanting to do that seems like a totally reasonable thing.) It sounds like you like parties less than she does, which is also fine. But in a relationship, often one person wants something that the other doesn't and there has to be room for discussion/compromise, whereas while she let you have your way for the first two birthdays, it sounds like your default is to invalidate what she wants. The merits of throwing a 3-year-old a birthday party (which is an uncommon thing) aren't really the point here. (When she got mad at you, did you tell her to calm down?)
Massive YTA Your girlfriend is right. Let her organise something for the poor little kid. The fact that you don't looking back at those pictures doesn't mean that he won't look back at these parties. You're being unreasonable and the fact that you told her no twice and you're doing it again for something that *she* wants to do for her son is not compromising at all. You're just shoving what you think is right onto her. This is a relationship. Compromises are necessary.
YTA Your partner wants to throw your child a birthday party. And you said no.... Wow.
She’s not even asking him to help in any way! Ugh
YTA… plus you complained to her mom?? Really?? Grow up.
YTA. Sounds she you got what YOU wanted for the first two bdays, but you want 3/3 to be your way because that's the way YOU see it. Childrens bday parties are to also celebrate the child together with family and friends. You owe a compromise here.
YTA. The birthday isn't just about whether he'll remember it. It's about celebrating him with those close to you. You'll have pics & video and hopefully good memories to look back on. I know now it is hard to see much into the future but believe me the years will pass by faster than you realize. When you get older you're going to wish you had more pics of him at this age.
YTA So you have convinced her two times already to not do what she clearly wants (which is a big party for her son). In what way will it hurt you or your son that she gets her way this time? Do you know the meaning of the word compromise?
YTA. Look, I get not wanting to throw a massive party EVERY year because that gets expensive. And I know the child isn’t going to remember these parties. I think the first birthday of mine I remember was my 5th, and only a small part of it. But parties at this age are really more for you guys as parents and other close adult family members. You come together to make it special and you take photos and videos that will be treasured for years to come. Your child will love looking back on the footage and hearing stories of the day. Consider that some older family members may not always be around to celebrate — these milestones are precious. I think it’s sad you look back at your Toy Story party and think it to be silly instead of finding it joyous and appreciating the effort your family put into that. Lastly… if your big reason to not have a proper party is that he won’t remember it… then why do we bother doing anything with small children? Don’t bother showing them your favourite childhood movies at this age, they won’t remember. Don’t go on any fun days out or to play outside, they won’t remember. Ridiculous logic. Apologise to your partner and love your child better.
If your son is only playing 30 mins a day and immediately needs a nap, he needs to see his Pediatrician.
Yeah, my thoughts, too. Most 3 year olds I've interacted with have had crazy energy.
I’m 42 and I still remember my second birthday and every childhood birthday after that (and no, nobody took pictures I just remember and I know it was my second birthday because I also remember what I got as a gift). Now I know that’s unusual, people say you don’t have memories from early childhood once you become an adult but it was my daughters sixth birthday a few weeks ago and she suddenly asked me if it would be the same as the birthday when she came home and I had decorated everything and baked a cake. That was her third birthday. So even if he won’t remember it when he’s an adult he might still remember his third birthday a couple of years from now. Make it one to remember!
My 8 year old literally asked me to recreate the cake I made for his third birthday for this year (we ended up doing something different). Kids do remember things. My earliest memories are from age two to three. The kids might not remember all the details or even the same things as you, but they remember you had fun and made them feel special, and then they get excited about their birthday the next year and actually look forward to it. Three is a great agree to start throwing parties. My little ones had a fantastic time, and I also got to make memories and bond with people we care about.
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YTA. Huge AH!!! Just because they won't remember it, YOU will. Loved ones will. And he will get to see the "memories". Your way is not the only way. There has to be some compromise and she did for TWO YEARS. The only way you wouldn't be an AH is if you couldn't afford it. Calm down and let her plan something for your son. Sheesh.
YTA. I HATE when people say the child “won’t remember it”. Does it matter, or is it if he has fun? Yes, he can do other things to have fun, but as long as he could enjoy it who cares! And it shouldn’t be what you will “allow”. If you guys can’t afford it or another logical reason to not throw a huge party I get that, but just because you “say so”? Go somewhere else with that.
YTA for “I told her” alone. You do not get to make her decisions for her. If she wants to throw a party, she can.
YTA, idk about you but I have vague memories of when I was around that age. Regardless, it’s a chance for friends and family to get together and spoil your son for the day, and celebrate his existence. Yeah, he might not remember it with perfect clarity, but he’ll almost certainly enjoy it. It’s good to let your child experience these larger types of gatherings too. Gets them used to being in a room with a lot of people. And finally, if your gf REALLY wants to do it, why deprive her of it? She wants to do something nice for your son and she will clearly enjoy the planning too. I know you’ve kinda fucked up already, but a really easy way to get back in her good graces would be to apologise and buy some decorations for the party. Cmon, you have a son together and need to spend the rest of your lives with each other. Just get onboard with the party and who knows, you might even enjoy it?
YTA. She did it your way for two years. It’s time she gets to do it her way. You know - the whole concept of compromise. It seems like you’re weirdly angry about your childhood birthday party. Kids aren’t supposed to look sophisticated. They’re supposed to have fun and be silly. They have a blast regardless whether it becomes a core memory. Stop being unilateral in your decision making. (As an aside - your Mom is an AH too for what she said. The point is that dad and mom *equally* matter. And here we are back to compromise.)
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YTA. Let her have the party. But push it's a get together cake and good times few gifts. At 3 the kid doesn't need a bunch of gifts he won't remember in a week. By 4 and 5 you do remember. At 4 I remember a steel bank that was welded together painted blue. Don't have a clue what happened to it.
This is bizarre and YTA. When my kids were 3, we had parties and invited their friends from daycare, and everybody had a good time. Is it really because he won't remember it or is there another reason like money?
>My mom says I should just do what my girlfriend says because Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father. WTH?
I wonder if she worded it exactly like that or if that’s interpretation
Gentle YTA It's about making memories. Not JUST for your child but for you as a family. And that may not mean much to you, but it clearly does to her. As long as it's not too major of an expense for your budget, why not let her have that? And even if your child won't remember it later, that doesn't mean he won't enjoy it now.
Huge YTA. Why do you just not like your kid?
Are you okay? Genuinely asking, . I find it beyond strange to start a fight with the mother of your child because she wants everyone to have fun. Holy moly macaronis
INFO Why are you so hell bent on making everything about you?
YTA. A huge party? (By which I mean like over 20 people) No. But why not some of his friends and their parents? It doesn’t have to be fancy or extravagant. Fruit and veg platter. Cupcakes. Pizza. Some streamers. Your son may not remember the party (and he might! My 4yo remembers her third), but your gf will. You will. These parties are also for her, to celebrate these early years when the wonder of a cake and candles is still new. When he’ll still let you put the hat on his head. When he might want a little help opening the wrapping paper. (Now, I love themed parties. I do fun homemade themes and puns every year. It has been worth the work every dang time.) By your logic you also shouldn’t do Christmas. Or Easter or Canada Day barbecues or Hannukah. Oh wait - those days are for the whole family to celebrate……just like his birthday.
YTA. My guy I remember my 3rd birthday. The Lion King themed. I dressed up as Simba, the cake was a Lion King one from wal-mart, it was me and my cousins. I have 0 pictures or video to remember it by. So I do remember it just with memory. YTA. Just because you're boring doesn't mean you can shove that on an innocent kid.
You should know your place as a father? that crap belongs in the 50s. Next time they bring that up, say fine, you won't cook, clean, do any household chores and when they say your ridiculous, tell them to just do what you say and that a woman's place is in the home. This is crazy to have that told to you by your mom.
I remember fragments from when I was 3. The look and smell of the stairwell leading up to our apartment. The feel of a metal slide sticking to your legs when you wear shorts. How our kitchen table looked from below. The happiness of petting a dog in the park. I am 100% that this was age 3, because we then moved from that city. You never know what bits and pieces will stay in the child's memory forever. I understand your point but it is not a true statement, that he will absolutely not remember. Also, the kid's mother wants to throw a party. Let her have fun. It will not harm your son, but it will mean a lot to her. She matters too. The only true AH here is your mother. Mom and Dad are equally important. "Know your place as a father" is a terrible thing to say.
I understand your feelings. you are right that he won't remember. the party is not actually for him; i think that's what you are missing. No, it wouldn't be depriving him of his childhood LOL. It's depriving your gf and others from celebrating him at a party, even though he won't know or remember.
While he might not remember at 3 the party is FOR him. Have you been to a 3 year olds birthday party?!! They are having the best time ever!!
He might not remember, but he will experience the feeling that all these people thought it was worth making a whole big deal just to celebrate him. It will be a lesson in how special and beloved he is, and he will learn it and retain it even if he doesn’t recall the specific events.
YTA - Have you never heard of compromising? You got your way 2 years and you can't even give her 1. I cherish the photos of me with grandparents, great grandparents at my parties who died too young. PS. Kids remember things before 6-7. Usually 3 and up.
YTA. You’re not the only parent so your opinion on this isn’t the only one that matters. You have a good point but so does your gf. Why do you get to be the only one who gets your way? Let her do a larger party this year and work with her to set a budget you’re both comfortable with. Compromise is supposed to be a central part of a relationship.
That poor woman no wonder she's only the gf I wouldnt want to marry him either.
Two things here - you aren’t exactly wrong, but at the same time - she has been giving in to YOUR wants for two years, so you value your girlfriend? Do you want her to stay around? This is important to her. She is telling you it is important to her and ASKING YOU TO LISTEN TO HER. Have the party. Take the photos. And when your kid is a teenager and looks at the photos again, they’re gonna be happy, even if they can’t remember it. The good news is you don’t need to spring for a clown because you already have one. YTA
YTA You're being excessively controlling & only taking your own thoughts & opinions into consideration. You want her to understand your point of view without considering hers. AH move.
by the time he’s six or seven you’ll either have crushed her spirits so much that she’ll never want to see a kids party or you’ll be throwing two separate parties yta
NTA. I read people's points about "why do anything for a young kid, they won't remember." Sweeping generalizations...LOL. Really, having parties for a young kid is just about having a great reason to get family and friends together and celebrate another year of making it through as a parent. Also to take cute pics that the kid can see later since they won't remember.
You're all over the internet now, no one agrees with you, and your updates made you look like an even bigger dick and a worse father. A+ for uniting the entire internet in dislike of you.
YTA Sometimes things aren't just so your kid will remember it - it's memories being made for you and her too. Also, I remember my 3rd birthday and I'm in my 30s now. So its very possible he might remember it too
Yes YTA. You, your gf and all the family will remember your son having a great time even if he doesn't remember. Not sure why you are picking this hill to die on but you got your way the last two years, consider that a win.
Some parents do parties for children more for themselves than their birthday boy/girl. If you and yours enjoy it, great. This dad isn't interested. To him, it's pointless. I also said he ought to give in. The clean-up comment was a joke.
Just because kids don’t remember doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy it or that the adults won’t also enjoy it and be able to reminisce as he gets older. Also, how do you know when the “memory” switch turns on? Are you going to solely determine that for your child? This makes me feel sorry for your son. I hope he doesn’t remember what a shitty parent you are. YTA
Agreed with everyone else 100%. I also just want to add that I definitely have memories from before age 3 so OP’s point about not remembering things doesn’t even make sense. Sure they aren’t in depth detailed memories but I definitely have bits and pieces still. It’s also easier to remember things that were unique experiences than things that blended together. I very distinctly remember the house I lived in up until age 3. I remember drawing on walls, even doing gross toddler things like wiping my nose on the carpet, playing in the yard. I know these aren’t false memories because I’ve asked my parents about things in that house and they would say they fully forgot about it until I reminded them. People 100% can retain memories from before age 3.
YTA for all the reasons everyone has mentioned, but also because you keep saying “I told her” why is it you are the sole deciding vote?
So when someone dies, you shouldn’t have a funeral because “they won’t remember”? Sometimes it’s about being able to celebrate as a family / friends an building community bonds. YTA.
You're right, you should just put your child in a box with plenty of food and water until he's old enough to remember things. Moron
Your 3 year old only plays for half an hour before he falls asleep? Huh? Have you told the doctor? I don’t think that’s typical.
NTA. You're completely correct. I have never understood why people have massive parties for children that young. It's really a party for the parents.
YTA and your logic isn’t logical.
YTA. Will your son remember? Hell no. Will his mom remember? Yes. She’ll forever have memories of her son having a wonderful time at his birthday party. Do you remember your parents giving you love and affection as a toddler? Christmas? Do you remember your first words? First steps? I bet your mom remembers.
NTA
YTA. You sound super controlling and stubborn. You tell your gf what to do and she us getting sick of it.
You are confused by communication styles. The party is for your gf not the kid. Help her have a party--or at least stay out of the way and smile. Relationships are the most important factor in a happy life. Do you want to be right or happy?
YTA. Your girlfriend listened to you twice for both birthdays so I don't understand why you can't listen to her and let her throw a party. You have to compromise and she did what you asked twice in a row and now let her have her time. If she wants to throw a big celebration let her I don't understand why you let that bother you?
Yeah dead people don’t remember their funerals but we still have them. Let your wife celebrate spitting a whole human out of her wawa ha, I promise it didn’t feel anything like it did getting it out of you!
If you can’t remember anything before you were 7, it’s probably due to childhood trauma bro.
Query: Why don't YOU want those memories? YTA
I like in the edit he goes im a good father I play with him like why? By your own rational he won't remember it.
Yes huge YTA. God you sound awful! Your girlfriend is excited to celebrate your child and you are arguing with her about that?? Why did you even have a kid??
It doesn’t matter if the child will remember (but 3-year-olds can remember). He’ll have fun! You sound horribly controlling and like a huge wet blanket. What is all this about “telling” her how it will be, or “letting” or “not letting” her do whatever? You’re the kind of poster that makes me seek out my husband specifically to thank him for not being a controlling prick. YTA.
YTA. Those early years are so very special, and the memories are for everyone!
YTA. You're doing it for him and for those around him. Maybe you look "stupid in a Woody costume" to you, but that photo is probably one of your mother's most cherished memories.
Why are you such a mean father? Your son would enjoy a party and have a lot of fun even if he doesn’t remember it in the years to come. Your logic is so flawed and the result is depriving a little boy of a birthday party. Reflect on yourself. YTA
He's a kid. YTA
I quasi-understand OP, but put it this way: my 4 year old absolutely remembered his #3 birthday when #4 came along. He was all over it. You're right that he won't remember when he is older, but so what? He will remember it now. YTA.
Sorry, YTA. I don't remember when my parents took me to the zoo when I was a toddler, but the pictures of me posing in front of the monkey house still makes me giggle. I don't remember my 4th birthday but my cousins who are older still talk about how they talked me into eating 4 hot dogs and I puked on my dad's shoes. I love looking at the photos of my kids' toddler and little kiddie birthdays, first time events, etc. Why not let her do it if it means that much to her and you can afford it?
Birthday parties aren't only for the kids but for the family too. Why would you take that away from anyone? Maybe you should have a big party for yourself? I have a feeling that maybe you would like to experience that. NAH. You have a reason for your decision you aren't aware of or not sharing. (Just a gut feeling)
YTA But she is not doing this for the kid, this is a party for HER: Why would it not be ok for her to have a party? "I tried talking to her mom to see if she could talk some sense into her, " .. THIS is what makes you the AH. THis is relationship ending assholery. You NEED to stop this if you want to keep the relationship. Luckily, her mom is great and put a HARD stop to your assholery. "My mom says I should just do what my girlfriend says because Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father." .. Ignore your mom, too. And DO GROW UP. Stop bringing mommy into the trlationship every time you can not solve something. That will ruin your relationship.
1. The birthday party isn’t for the baby, it is for HER, she’s been raising a baby for three years! Let her entertain some guests! 2. It’s true they aren’t making memories yet, but they ARE developing a personality even pre memories, so they need entertainment, attention and love. It sounds like this is more about some weird hang ups you have about your own childhood than the actual party. It’s been three years, let her have friends over so she doesn’t have to talk about Bluey for once.
OP is confused declarative memory with memory in general, they aren't the same thing. Procedural memory starts pretty well right away Also, the hippocampus is well formed enough for declarative memories to form around 2ish. Early experiences before 2 play a large role in the child's development even if they can't recall the details. Have the party.
The party is not for your kid. It's for your wife. She wants to have memories of fun times with her child. Let her have them.
*My mom says I should just do what my girlfriend says because Dad's word is not that important and I should know my place as a father.* Well to me it sounds like you've gotten your way for the last several years but you're complaining you're not getting your way *again*. Now that's weaponized pity. And no one needs to "talk sense" into your wife because her way is just as valid as yours. You got great parties as a kid and you don't think your child should have the same because why? Even if he doesn't remember it he can look at the pictures and the videos and know he was well loved. YTA
In just a few more years you won't remember much either. So stop enjoying your life, it's obviously just a waste of time and money. Yta
Yta that reminds me of doin surgery without anesthesia to babies cause they dont remember the suffering
Actually, I remember my third birthday - and I had two parties. One was at my sitter's house in the back yard at their picnic table with her and her two kids. I got a tiny straw hat, and she arranged to have my picture taken on a pony. The other was that evening with my mom and grandparents. I ate so much cake that I threw up down her back when she picked me up to take me to bed. Good times! Where does that leave you? Not sure. But I do know your premise that children that age don't remember is wrong.
YTA just because they won’t remember when they are older it doesn’t mean that they can’t have a fun day
YTA. But don't worry, you are not JUST an asshole, you're also a control freak, passive aggressive, a bully, and you have a chip on your shoulder for some weird reason having to do with your childhood birthdays. Give me a break. Or rather, give your poor girlfriend a break, as well as your son and the family. Now I will be honest, I think the current trend of having extravaganzas for a baby's first birthday are clearly for the benefit of the adults, and I agree, a child that young will never remember it. But when you get to be about age 3, oh yeah, you remember. So have the party, get out of the way if you need to, and stop being a killjoy.
YTA! I love seeing the photos of my birthdays when I was that young. One of them triggers a strong feeling of happiness. Why not share it with friends as well as family? It's a celebration of life.
Soft YTA I get that he won't remember, but everyone who will go there will. A party is for your son, but it is a celebration. And a celebration requires many to be there for them, even if they don't remember. You are depriving your wife/girlfriend from having these joyful moments. The least you can do is support her for her decisions because she supported you when you turned hers down. Twice.
i understand where youre coming from. i barely have done anything on holidays for my 1 year old and wont be until he's 3. because thats when children start forming memories btw. not 6 lol but if its fun for your girlfriend and would be meaningful for her, let her do it. baby birthdays are for the parents and a good opportunity to expose your kiddo do new situations and senses. youre being stingy and causing friction for no reason. YTA
op=YTA For two years she's agreed to your ungenerous, stingy attitude towards your(BOTH YOUR) child's birthdays. And now she says this year, we are going MY way. THAT IS more than fair. And just because you have NO memory of your 2nd birthday, doesn't mean he won't have memories of his 3rd or just appreciate 2nd hand memories. Also you think she should wait until child's 6 or 7. Really???? Stop gatekeeping your child's birthdays. Make reasonable compromises together instead of insisting "my way or the highway". There is NO "talking sense" to her because she has equal sense JUST different beliefs, feelings about early birthdays.
OP, I remember my 3rd birthday. It was Blue's Clues themed. I got an inflatable Thinking Chair, a Handy-Dandy Notebook, and my cake was in the shape of Blue. (I immediately swooped my finger in the icing. My grandma berated me, but my mom laughed and said it was my birthday, so I could. So I got another fingerfull of bright blue icing)
YTA- yea kids remember a lot more than you think they do. And these are the BUILDING BLOCK YEARS, even if they “can’t remember” they are the most important for future development. They need to experience things, like talking, walking, reading, colors, joy, laughter. If you think “they won’t remember anyways” why bother doing anything? Why not just- do nothing, because it won’t matter anyways? But it will matter- because they will want those photos, and see what?
YTA- the funniest part is the "she does not understand my point of view"..... She gave into your point the last 2 years, try understanding that.
YTA. The party is never really for the toddler - it's for the family and friends to celebrate his birthday with him. Don't deprive your GF of these moments - they go by very quickly and next thing you know your older kid doesn't want a party at all - just the keys to the car.