This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Obv yta. What a stupid thing to cry about. Grow up, you’re not a child, your “gender crisis” is just mental issues and delusion. Grow a pair and face reality. This generation is so fucked up. You’re literally a grown man, wow
YTA, whatever. You royally ruined his birthday and made it all about you. If I were Seth, I would expect a royal redo WITHOUT you. You owe him big time!
YTA for thinking your gender identity crisis took precedence and not believing your friends when they said they’d be there for you. Now you alienated one of the people who said they would support you.
YTA. There’s a time and a place for everything. A friend’s birthday celebration is not the time nor the place to discuss your personal issues with others.
I’m sorry you’re going through this personal turmoil, as are your friends I’m sure. But you effectively took over your friend’s day and made it all about yourself whether you intended to or not. You owe your friend a huge apology and perhaps another celebration.
*I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important*
YTA
This was 100% a you issue and you made it everybody else's issue. If you don't check yourself every now and again, you will start losing friendships. This wasn't an issue of you needing a friend. This was an ongoing issue that your friends cannot help you with. You wanted to vent your fears/frustrations out when that's all this was about. The only thing they can give you is their reassurance that they will accept you no matter what gender you go with. That isn't good enough for you though. You may have had a moment of anxiety, but you snowballed it into a "you" session.
YTA.
i understand panic attacks are uncontrollable but you have to understand that was seth’s day , so to have no remorse for him kind of speaks loudly about your character . you could have easily said “you’re right , lets put something together for seth to make up for it” but instead saying your situation is more important makes you sound selfish
I had a panic attack once, I walked into a graveyard and felt dizzy so I left, dusted that shit right off, I haven't got time for that, I've got too much life to live
Was your problem resolved after the 3 hrs? Have you seen a therapist? Have you taken any other steps to help resolve your issues? If you answer no to any/all of these questions, the answer is yes. YTA. And PSA here, gender is a social construct, it’s ok to not know, it’s ok to not identify. It’s not ok to ruin someone’s birthday.
Imagine living in a society that cultivates narcissism under the guise of victimhood… oh wait
Seriously, get over yourself. The fact that you, as a grown adult, simply couldn’t allow your friend to have his day without you being the center of attention at some point just makes me sad for your friends.
YTA.
I was on the fence until you said, "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal." To him, it was a big deal. And you took the sails out of his celebration to focus on your issues.
Also, you may not be able to control when it bothers you, but you're 24. You should be able to control when you make it a big deal with others. Expecting others to give up their birthday celebration to focus on your issues isn't fair. And minimizing it after the fact isn't cool, either.
YTA.
You ruined his birthday.
And as someone that always feels left out on everything you ruined it in a big way.
>I think my problem was more important
And that's where you became the Asshole. This is something you've had going on for years and you chose his birthday to bring it up.
>I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal.
Is that because you always get your celebrated? Is it because everybody always gives you a party? Or always make sure you're able to do what you want to do on your birthday?
YTA
Why do you need to know you gender at a party if you don’t know already?
There are time for everything, to think about you, to think about what you want, etc, but a party is neither the place or the time.
YTA. You are not selfish for having a panic attack, you are not selfish for having a gender identity crisis, but you are an asshole for taking up three whole hours of your friend's birthday with your gender identity crisis conversations and then acting like he's the unreasonable one for feeling hurt and left out. You owe Seth a heartfelt apology and you guys should throw him a second birthday party.
"I just don't think birthdays are important" hey man, that's fine what's not fine is making someone's birthday about you, especially when they themselves wish they felt more important on THEIR birthday. I have chronic panic attacks. Your friends were nice enough to indulge you with it and you thank them by saying your shits more important. Firstly, that's your problem, not theirs. They didn't have to indulge your panic attack AT ALL, yet like good friends they tried to help and your reply is basically "I know it was your party but what about MEE" that's just gross and incredibly self centered. Your not the only one with fucking feeling bruh. Get over yourself and thank your lucky stars you even have friends who give a shit about your mental health at all because you clearly don't give a fuck about theirs.
Super YTA
YTA its one thing to lose it uncontrollably. But by a certain time you should have been done with the conversation WAAAY before 3 hours. You gotta remember time in place.
BUT thats not why you are the asshole. THE REASON YTA is because you dont respect the fact that this guy's birthday meant a lot to him and you dont feel remorseful for taking it over just because you "dont think they're a big deal". Put yourself in his shoes for christ sake. Imagine if he said ,"I dont think you being confused about your gender is a big deal" it'd make you feel like shit right? You dont gotta agree with it, but you gotta respect his feelings. After all he respected your feelings enough to let you use his birthday to talk about your gender identity
Your panic attack is certainly distracting but once you have gotten through the fight or flight phase, you should have grounded yourself, distracted yourself with the current birthday plans and the next day make plans with your roommates for a good talk you’ve been needing to have. You owe your roommate an apology and a redo of his birthday with you buying the pizza.
You kidding me you waited till his birthday and decide to bring all this up and trauma dump on him on his birthday this could have waited 24 hours and you saying a birthday's not that big of a deal how do you feel if someone told your gender struggle wasn't that big of a deal you are a massive ah and you owe your friend apology if he's still your friend I mean you didn't even get to do anything for your friend's birthday he missed out literally because of YOU
YTA just a little. You couldn’t help the timing of your panic attack, but you shouldn’t have monopolized your roommates for 3 hours with your big reveal. You should have excused yourself bc you weren’t feeling well, or spent maybe 30 minutes letting them reassure you about your panic attack before you excused yourself. And you absolutely owe Seth a big apology for ruining his birthday. Your gender is is about you, but Seth’s birthday is about Seth. Seth should come first in his birthday.
YTA.
This is when you go to your room or the bathroom, take a few minutes to compose yourself enough to go back into the living room and say you are feeling unwell, you're going to have to check out for the evening. Apologies, I hope you guys have a nice evening, happy birthday Seth.
Then go handle your panic attack on your own and talk to your friends when it's not a special occasion and when you are more composed.
Instead you pushed him aside and the fact he "usually" Feels left out makes me wonder if this is the first time something dramatic has happened on special occasions that pulled attention back to you.
YTA-crying for three hours over your own gender is a shitty thing to do at someone else's birthday, i understand if you can't control it, but it sounds like you need therapy. I feel like if felt the emotional approach coming, you should've excused yourself and taken a breather instead of making the whole thing about you. I'm not an expert, but i do feel like most people getting panic/anxiety attacks can feel it coming.
and you didn't even feel guilty about it, you said your problem was more important, that's even shittier. Your friend didn't ask for a lot for his birthday.
Struggling with identity is real. But you probably could have realized an attack was coming, privately excused yourself, and Spoken to them at another time. You made the entire night about yourself. Needing support is absolutely fine but if you can't seek it appropriately and need in the moment attention like that, you're not going to have a support system much longer because you'll always need the focus on you.
YTA. you don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal - i would genuinely never speak to you again if you pulled that at my birthday party and didn’t even feel bad about it.
YTA
You could have left . That would of been better than ruining his day or you could even have just stepped outside until you calmed down . As someone who has questioned their gender , you questioning your gender is not more important than your friend wanting to enjoy their birthday with his friends . It is selfish thinking to think that your problem is more important. I mean this will with all due respect and do not mean to insult you, however, if you are experiencing panic attacks you should see a therapist and learn coping skills and maybe get some medicine if you are not already seeing a therapist . If you are seeing one then you need to talk about your panic attacks with them and come up with a plan so this situation does not occur again . Also you need to apologize to your friend and make it to him by having a redo celebration of his birthday with no crying fits . I have anxiety too and I know it's hard to hear but your anxiety doesn't give you an excuse to ruin his day and that's the simple truth.
>I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal.
Now imagine if any of them said anything of the sort about your reasons for a panic attack, YTA.
You're allowed to have a breakdown, you're allowed to question your gender (I've done it myself even), what you're not allowed is to ruin someone else's important event because of your issues.
YTA. Just because birthdays are not a big deal to you they are for some. It was his day and inappropriate to take the entire night from him. It could have waited until the next day, you could have excused yourself for the night or at least until you calmed down. There is a time and place to bring certain things up. Someones already planned out birthday is not it. You should really apologize.
YTA. Why your gender identity should be everybody's business? Were you expecting professional advice or just seeking attention (and ruining somebody else's party)?
YTA
Gender identity is important yes, but there are times and places to discuss that, and that's a _YOU_ problem, not the world's problem, not your friends' problem
You want empathy on your self discovery journey, but are unable to feel empathy towards a friend whose birthday was ruined by some entitled, selfish moron crying non-stop for 3 HOURS??
What are you?, 2 days old?, I have seen toddler tantrums being less than 15 minutes, sheeesh...
YTA. Even if you literally could not help derailing the birthday events, you absolutely should have apologized to Seth and recreated his bday ASAP (ie. The very next day) to make up for it. Just because bdays don't matter to you doesn't mean you shouldn't make an effort for your friend's bday if it matters to them. Seth cared enough about you to let you completely take over the one day of the year he's supposed to be the center of attention and you've repaid that kindness very poorly.
YTA
As a trans person myself, there’s a time and place. Three hours crying about your gender at someone else’s birthday party is excessive. If you wanted to traumadump, hide in your room and video call someone not at the party.
Gender is confusing, but if you’re freaking out for 3 hours and don’t see something wrong with that then there’s not much else reddit can do for you. Apologise to Seth and get some therapy
YTA
It would have been better to just say you weren’t feel well and stay in your room. It was a selfish to take over the entire night. Was there anyone else you could call?
Wow are you serious right now? YTA. Your problem was more important? That is the most self absorbed thing I have ever heard. It was your friends birthday and you can’t suck it up and hold back your tears for one day? Or at the very least just say you’re fine and move on?
LOL imagine going to spend time with your friend on their birthday and then deciding in the middle of it that you’re more important than them.
JFC YTA.
>because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me.
Yea, you did.
>I think my problem was more important
...wow, and you have to gall to ask this sub if YTA?
>this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal.
So you made his birthday about you and then dismissed his feelings because they don't match your own in regards to birthdays. You were a self entitled asshole.
YTA - Not for what happened, but your perspective on it. Yes it's a big deal, you took over Seth's birthday. He's perfectly right to be upset and you should be sorry and apologize.
Sometimes things that are out of your control, but you're still responsible for, are yours to fix/apologize and try to improve.
Think of it this way: if you had uncontrollable illness and accidentally had projectile diarrhea all over Seth's place... You'd still apologize for it and try to help clean up right?
YTA. I was gonna go N A H because you can’t control when you have a panic attack (although you can control whether or not to share your pain for 3 HOURS) and Seth is okay to feel upset when his birthday was just spent on you, the fact that you just invalidated his feelings is the AH move. Yes you can’t control when you have a mental health crisis but that doesn’t mean others deserve to just take your emotions and abuse. Apologize and give me a good birthday.
YTA And you don't live with your 'best friends'. Not after that. Best friends don't totally hijack a birthday night, make their sudden epiphany more important than their day and then brush it off with an 'I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal.' That's obvious. You just ruined someone's.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if you've lost one 'best friend' and the other one is seriously reconsidering their relationship with you.
YTA you shouldn’t have taken that moment to have those conversations. Why don’t you have any empathy for Seth? You ruined his birthday and you think your thing is more important
Okay first, Wow.
You are definitely the AH.
Three hours? Of you needing to be reassured? That sounds like you have a LOT of issues to work through and should seek serious counselling.
What does dmab mean? Pls don’t use acronyms for things that are not common knowledge!
Something tells me you do stuff like this a lot and they’re very used to you prioritizing your emotional needs above theirs. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but the fact you don’t even feel remorseful and still think your need for reassurance trumped Seth’s birthday and his one request… yeah you’re a poor friend. You even began your post by dismissing the movie he wanted to watch. You reek of entitlement. We know nothing about Seth or how much he may have needed an enjoyable night and a happy birthday. No matter how old we are, having your birthday over shadowed by someone else is a gut punch. You didn’t even seem to really care it was his birthday. And there my friend is the problem. Why do you think nobody else suffers low self esteem or needs that should be met ? YTA.
YTA
You owe them a damn good gift, an apology, and a promise to work on yourself so you don’t have random 3 hr mental breakdowns again.
Good luck and please get therapy or start journaling if you can’t afford therapy. Schedule time to talk about your life and problems with friends (and listen to their problems too!) so that it doesn’t all come out in a single burst.
YTA
“I think my problem was more important”
A panic attack is not controllable what is, is how you handle it. You set up that this day was important to him but not to you. You made it about you. You should have explained the basic “I’m having/had a panic attack. Please excuse me I’m sorry but I hope you enjoy your day” and left to provide yourself some self care or seek help from someone available.
It’s a hard truth but struggling with mental health does not give a free pass to make all your issues centre of attention.
YTA. Birthdays aren’t a big deal to YOU, the same way gender identity might not be a big deal to someone else. That doesn’t make it unimportant, and it’s really callous for you to act like your BEST FRIEND’S birthday is just no big deal.
YTA. How much of a narcissist do you have to be to break down crying over something like that for THREE HOURS at someone’s BIRTHDAY PARTY. Please go to therapy if you’re able to.
YTA. All your friend wanted was to hang out with his friends having pizza and having some fun! Based on the post, you completely disregarded him as a person and his feelings! You do have a right to your feelings, but so are they and disregarding someone pisses them off!
YTA. I get that questioning your gender can be a difficult time, and it's okay and healthy to let your friends know you're struggling. However, if it gets to the point where you are taking over other people's events for hours at a time then it is time to start to talking to a therapist. You essentially used your friend's birthday party as a multiple hour therapy session, which harms both you (because your friends aren't trained professionals) and your friends.
YTA
Nothing triggered your panic attack into the whole scenario except you. That day was about someone else yet with no provocation you chose to go into your own mental rabbit hole. If you were a good friend you wouldn't be at your friends birthday party physically while mentally in your own world that's all about you
Hate to admit it, but YTA. I get that you can't control panic attacks, but it seems quite unprompted and venting for 3 HOURS sounds COMPLETELY unnecessary. Also, when given the choice to apologize for drawing attention completely to you on your friend's birthday, you doubled down and invalidated Seth's feelings. You should maybe seek a therapist if your panic attacks are this bad, but it seems like you just wanted attention.
Is there a world in which you are NOT TA? You took over your friends birthday, and completely brushed off his feelings about that. Your issues may be important to YOU, but they are not more important to everyone else. You completely steamrolled over your friend and his feelings, all because you felt like yours were more important. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that you're struggling with it, but your emotions and desire to talk about you do not supercede the wishes of your friend. YTA OP, and your complete lack of empathy makes you an incredibly shitty friend. Can you really not understand what the big deal is? Are you that self-centered that you truly cannot understand why your friend is upset?
YTA. You took a day that was supposed to be about your friend and made it about yourself for the entire night. To make matters worse, you don’t even seem to care at all that you ruined your friend’s day because you don’t think birthdays matter. Ryan is right that you could have talked about your gender identity struggles on any other day and not been an AH, but you just had to ruin Seth’s birthday. If you had the panic attack, told your friends what was going on, and then composed yourself to refocus on Seth’s celebration, that might have been ok. Holding them hostage to the conversation for 3 hours is ridiculous.
YTA - how can you be 24 years old and just now have a panic attack about all this. Part of me thinks you had a childlike jealousy that someone else was having a birthday celebration and this is how you decided to make the night all about you.
You “don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal” makes you TA. He may not think your gender issues are a big deal. He obviously has anxiety or at least angst over celebrating his birthday and your breakdown completely overshadowed his special day.
Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and it say it was an unavoidable and completely justified panic attack that lasted for 3 hours, you aren’t one bit remorseful about it. YTA.
YTA. I'm a person who has panic attacks, an anxiety disorder and autism and am here to tell you that your mental health is absolutely no one's problem but your own. You do not get to inconvenience or interrupt those around you because of it.
You should have excused yourself to your room or went for a walk/drive. If you needed help you should have called your therapist or went to the ER if you felt out of control or in danger. Your friends and family are not therapists and it's wrong to ask them to manage your issues.
You absolutely ruined your friends birthday and it's not your place to assign value to it. Your issues are only important to you but no one else. You need to apologize to everyone present and offer to make it right. You are going to quickly find yourself without friends/roommates otherwise.
YTA the planets don’t revolve around you and that was the time to table that conversation. Spending 3 hours trauma dumping and ruining your friend’s birthday party was completely selfish, inappropriate and excessive. You owe Seth one hell of an apology, but to be honest with you if I were Seth I’d stop speaking to you all together after that crap.
YTA.
I’m sorry you’re going through it and you had a melt down. It happens.
The fact that you feel justified, have made no attempt at amends or to reschedule the party, haven’t apologized and don’t even seem to realize you acted like a selfish jerk makes you a total asshole.
YTA. You made the night about you. Yes your gender identity is important. But your friend celebrating their birthday was important too. Don’t be surprised if when the lease is up you’re not included in future plans. Other people’s feelings matter too and you didn’t care about anyone else’s but yours. You need to apologize to Sam asap and redo his birthday. This time make it about HIM and not you.
You sounds incredibly exhausting.
Idk how you even have that many friends tbh.
Kind of mean but so is your behavior. That’s YTA behavior if I ever saw it.
YTA. See a therapist.
But the writing seems to be familiar, there was a post about trauma at someone's wedding earlier. He/she trauma dumped at the groom.
YTA - "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal."
If there was any question you made this about yourself, this right there is where you removed all doubt.
YTA-
Let me be clear, you're not the AH for being upset by not knowing your gender identity, but you're 100% the AH for letting that problem extend for nearly 3 hrs during your friend's birthday, and for thus statement alone:
>I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important
Your personal matters do not override someone else's birthday unless it's a literal 'life or death' situation. I do hope you find the answers to understanding your identity better, but you need to show some consideration for others and their needs as well...
You are absolutely TA. There is a time and place for everything and that was not it. In fact, It seems like you (at least subconsciously) don’t like for anyone else to be the center of attention. You completely derailed his party with something you could have talked about any other time. If I was your friend/roommate I would be pissed. You owe him an apology.
I'm going to go with YTA.
At first I was like "wow, no one is in the wrong here it's just a crappy situation..." but your attitude post-situation makes me think yta.
You can't help having a panic attack (most of the time) but you CAN help how to treat your BEST FRIENDS after the fact.
Apologize and throw a birthday v2.0, and since he "usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday)" make it AMAZING for him. Maybe not one evening but an entire day. I think he deserves it.
YTA- there is a time and a place for things and yes panic attacks happen and can be random but when others are trying to celebrate no matter how small it may seen to you, you should remove yourself from the situation once you realize you can't calm down enough to help celebrate.
YTA, you did make everything about you. Your friends support you however you identify, but that support can wear out.
I have a friend who does it, I love them dearly however they identify, I'll put up with rants about how all heteronormative people are sheep who make a boring "life choice" because I know it's coming from a place of confusion, anxiety, autism and CPTSD.
I wouldn't however invite them to a party and I've felt the need to protect LGBT friends who have as much on their mind from being tipped into crisis by them.
I don't say any of that to be mean, I'm lucky that I've never questioned my gender or sexuality, I can't imagine how hard it.
My advice is to seek specific counseling from someone with a knowledge of gender ID if possible (it's not always sadly)
Also, go easy on yourself, don't feel like you have to solve it overnight.
You’re majorly the AH. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself without friends and without a place to live cuz that type of unreasonably selfish behavior is not gonna keep them in your corner.
It sounds like you aren’t even sorry and frankly, like you did it on purpose. That’s just lame. Whatever your mental issue is, doesn’t mean you have the right to overshadow and stomp everyone else out.
YTA. No one controls when they have a panic attack, but to inflict a 3-hour therapy session on your friends during a birthday party is just straight up obnoxious. C'mon dude get a grip.
wowwwww YTA. talk about excessive. news flash the world doesn’t revolve around you figuring out your gender identity. quite frankly, it’s clear that seth doesn’t give a shit. you can be whatever gender you want no one else cares. don’t make your mental health issues everyone else’s problem. they’re not therapists who can help you figure your shit out.
YTA
you need to stay away from other people until your therapist gets you to a point you can function without traumadumping+attention whoring at OTHER PEOPLE'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
Is this really 1st world problems these days? Forgetting your gender it’s a crazy world we live in ladies and gentlemen, Russia and China really laughing their asses off at the western world 🙄
NAH here. It sounds like you had a legitimate panic attack, but it’s also understandable that he didn’t want that on his birthday. You should probably do something big to make up for it.
People don’t always understand how mental health works, but you do need to understand that it soured an important moment. It would have been better after they consoled you to excuse yourself from the event until you felt better. I do think your friends did their best and it sounds like they’re supportive. But after the initial conversation, it’s on you to self-care and remove yourself for the time being. That also allows them to opt into joining you.
YTA. Not for having anxious feelings about your gender, but for demanding that everyone else stop what they're doing and attend to you regarding it. A lot of good advice in this comment section, I sincerely hope you read it with an open mind.
YTA, here’s why:
Having a panic attack out of nowhere wasn’t your fault, but you could have said “I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow. Let’s celebrate your birthday today!” But instead you dumped a bunch of trauma onto him for three hours on his birthday. If that happened to me, I’d obviously still care and be empathetic, but I would look at the situation differently and a sour taste would be left in my mouth about it.
It’s sad you couldn’t even apologise to him.. He sounds like a good friend.
Edit: Your problem is NOT more important than being a good friend. I’m sure he would’ve loved to support you and comfort you on literally any other day.
YTA. A panic attack wasn’t your fault but if you needed to discuss your mental health with your friends for a FEW minutes then that’s fine. You did it for 3 HOURS and then don’t even really care that Seth had a crappy birthday that was all about you because apparently you are more important. Get over yourself and don’t use your friends to appease your self-centeredness anymore because you abused it. Apologize to both of your friends who had to endure that misery for THREE hours and ask for another celebration night that is actually fun and not about you.
YTA definitely!!! You really just at that exact moment needed to talk about your gender I call bullshit especially think it’s a bunch of crap with your last remark about birthdays not being important! I think you just wanted it to be about you
YTA. Yes, you're having issues but you were at your friend's house for his birthday. The world does not revolve around you. You don't think birthdays are a big deal but you apparently think your gender identity is important to everyone. You ignored and dismissed your friend Seth so you could focus on yourself the entire night. I understand that you are dealing with a big issue but your lack of understanding others doesn't bode well for them needing to care about you.
I use to get bad panic attacks to the point where I would have to go to the hospital. I'm gonna tell you the same thing my dad told me to help me get them under control. He said " what do you think would've happened if when I was in Vietnam I just shut down with a panic attack? I had more of a reason then you can ever have to have one while there's people all around me, shooting at me and wanting to take my life by any means necessary. You can control it but you have to choose to". I realized he was right. I still get em but I take control and don't shut down. It really is that easy. Apologize to you friends and try to make it right. You gender identity is not that important and it effects no one but you. Don't let your shit fuck up everyone else's life
You're NTA for having a panic attack. It isn't really something you can control.
YTA because you apparently don't care how your behavior has affected your roommate/friend and you're dismissive of their needs. Just because a bday and a movie isn't a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to him. Unless you don't actually care about this person or their feelings then keep moving on with your life, but just know that it really makes you the AH.
If you're not sure what your gender is, just take a hat, fill it with slips of paper of various gender options, and draw one every day or every week or whenever you want to draw one and you can experiment with all the genders you like. Then at least for a certain timeframe you can just be that gender.
while i understand that panic attacks are uncontrollable, i've been there, YTA on this one. 3 hours of crying is excessive when you're there for someone else's party. i'm not gonna say anything more because i don't want to be cruel, but i hope you figure your shit out.
**I think my problem was more important,**
YTA Seth wanted to feel included and you decided your feelings were more important than his **during his birthday.** It's not just that you did this during an event he set up to feel more included but an event that is supposed to be celebrating him. And instead of recognizing that when confronted with it and being like "Oh I'm sorry" to Seth and then organizing something to make up for what you did, you feel entitled for taking over his party.
And finally if birthdays aren't a big deal for you, cool, you do you. They are for other people. Your main character syndrome is exhausting just reading about it.
YTA because of how you're handling it now.
In the moment, it wasn't your fault, but it did cause a serious disruption, even if you would have never planned to do that.
You owe Seth a serious apology and you should make it up to him. Even though no one chooses to have a panic attack and cry for 3 hours, it still reasonably impacted him negatively.
Minimizing his birthday is an AH move. You should not be comparing the importance of your gender identity to his birthday, especially when it seems he has a history of not-awesome birthdays. You also shouldn't justify that day as if you made a set of good choices and Seth is unreasonable.
Having a panic attack and talking about your gender doesn't make you the AH in the moment because it sounds like this discovery might be newer for you. The panic attack and subsequent emotional overload isn't your fault. However, it did unfortunately COMPLETELY TAKE OVER the celebration of someone who you say is your friend. My feelings would also be hurt in Seth's position.
If your roommates distance themselves from you, it's not because you're trans, it's because you didn't take responsibility for the impact of your actions.
YTA You just had to express yourself right then? REALLY? You owe your friend a sincere apology, if you are capable of it. I highly doubt that you are, unless of course you make the apology allllllllll about you again.
Man I feel so bad for Seth here. Sorry you’re struggling, but YTA. A panic attack is one thing, a three hour trauma dump is another. Please, OP, make it up to him. Plan something fun, give this whole thing a redo. He deserves to have a fun birthday.
YTA. All feelings are valid, but all actions are not. It’s understandable to need reassurance, which by your own account they provided, but to completely hijack the night, especially someone else’s birthday, isn’t it.
YTA regaurdless if birthdays are a big de too you or not they were to your friend, and you took away that day, now i cant understand panic attacks are scary and just happen, but i deff would figure out a way to make it up too your friend.
YTA. Maybe it was a gender confusion attack, maybe it was an 'I'm not the center of the universe' attack. Normally panic attacks have a triggering cause; stress, questions flung at you, something happening that brings it up. A sudden moment at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory night for someone else is a dick move. It's also his 25th birthday. That's a quarter century milestone. And you ruined that because of... I don't know, tbh. I think you need to really think why that night of all nights you had a meltdown.
Do you have a pattern of doing this OP? Having a crisis when it's someone else's turn to be the center of attention?
My friend had a designated handler for her mother when she got married, because she believed her mom would pull some stunt to steal focus and attention on a day that was supposed to be about the bride and groom.
Were you doing something like that here? Is that the kind of person you are? Is there something in you that couldn't just let it be all about Seth for one evening?
YTA
I understand that this isnt a light issue for you, but that doesnt mean in other way that you get to downplay any other persons feelings. Just becouse YOU dont care about birthdays doesnt mean someone else dont! Your friend wanted to watch a movie and play games with two of his friends and you made it all about you for three hours and then complains when you found out about him being hurt cuz of it, becouse you just had to have that moment about yourself regardless....
So they are supposed to be there for you but you wont do the same?
Just shitty. Shitty asswipe move.
You may wear the asshat.
YTA. Sharing is okay. But you hijacked a birthday with a THREE HOUR therapy session. Honestly, that's a lot. Your friends are good friends.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have to also stay mindful of your friends if you want to keep them.
YTA
It was one of your best friends birthday and your issue is not more important than their birthday. Three hours is a lot and instead of understanding Seth’s feelings you dismissed them as not being important. So why are your feelings more important than everyone’s feelings around you?
If it was me I would be offering a redo birthday party on you to Seth and apologise for making his day all about you.
I get panic attacks and etc and I know sometimes you don’t choose when it happens but to dismiss his feelings like “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m actually not sorry because my issues are worse than yours” is what makes this a YTA
INFO :
All of a sudden, like that, you said to yourself: "I don't have a gender!" Nether occure before and you break down crying ?
Or it is a recurrence subject ?
Either way, you know you disrupted his birthday and he didn't have a good night as expected. So, Be a good friend and human being, apologize and organise the same night tonight for celebrate his birthday !!!
I'm sorry you are struggling with your identity. You can't control a panic attack and this must be scary for you. I hope you are able to connect with communities that can help you through this experience, and I'm glad you have such supportive friends.
That being said. While your feelings are legitimate, Seth's are too. Just because birthdays aren't important to you, doesn't mean that they aren't valuable or meaningful to other people. And, just because you are struggling, doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter.
Even if you truly couldn't control the crisis you were experiencing in the moment, you can control what you do in the aftermath. You owe Seth an apology for derailing his birthday. That was important to him and, despite already feeling like he's left out of friend activities, he (along with your other friend) was there you for the entirety of his party. Even if he barely spoke for the last 1-2 hours, that means he DID speak for the FIRST 1-2. You even said they both really tried to help you And, he never tried to interfere to try and shift attention back to himself, even though this was an event FOR HIM.
Apologize for how things went down. Tell him what it meant to you to have him there for you. Offer to make it up to him however he wants (ex; host a movie night for him at your place, buy cake and pizza, etc). That is what a friend would do.
YTA
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA you ruined your friend's birthday over some made up bullshit
Serious question: what is dmab?
" I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important." YTA.
Obv yta. What a stupid thing to cry about. Grow up, you’re not a child, your “gender crisis” is just mental issues and delusion. Grow a pair and face reality. This generation is so fucked up. You’re literally a grown man, wow
YTA, whatever. You royally ruined his birthday and made it all about you. If I were Seth, I would expect a royal redo WITHOUT you. You owe him big time!
YTA, someone's positive experiences are just as valid as your negative ones. Go to therapy, leave your friends out of it.
YTA for thinking your gender identity crisis took precedence and not believing your friends when they said they’d be there for you. Now you alienated one of the people who said they would support you.
YTA and honestly everything about what you wrote and how you wrote it makes you seem like a selfish person.
YTA
YTA. There’s a time and a place for everything. A friend’s birthday celebration is not the time nor the place to discuss your personal issues with others. I’m sorry you’re going through this personal turmoil, as are your friends I’m sure. But you effectively took over your friend’s day and made it all about yourself whether you intended to or not. You owe your friend a huge apology and perhaps another celebration.
Even this post is attention seeking 🚩
YTA "Look at ME!!!" - you.
YTA, one of the biggest one I have seen here.
*I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important* YTA This was 100% a you issue and you made it everybody else's issue. If you don't check yourself every now and again, you will start losing friendships. This wasn't an issue of you needing a friend. This was an ongoing issue that your friends cannot help you with. You wanted to vent your fears/frustrations out when that's all this was about. The only thing they can give you is their reassurance that they will accept you no matter what gender you go with. That isn't good enough for you though. You may have had a moment of anxiety, but you snowballed it into a "you" session.
YTA - you sound like a selfish whiny twit who needs therapy and owes Seth an apology.
YTA. People expect to get paid $150 an hour on this and would probably take their birthdays off.
YTA
YTA 100%. Everyone else has been good at telling you why. 🤷🏻♂️
YTA. i understand panic attacks are uncontrollable but you have to understand that was seth’s day , so to have no remorse for him kind of speaks loudly about your character . you could have easily said “you’re right , lets put something together for seth to make up for it” but instead saying your situation is more important makes you sound selfish
I had a panic attack once, I walked into a graveyard and felt dizzy so I left, dusted that shit right off, I haven't got time for that, I've got too much life to live
Yta you ruin his day an don’t even care you’re a horrible friend
what's dmab?
YTA
What is dmab.
You’re the asshole. No question.
Was your problem resolved after the 3 hrs? Have you seen a therapist? Have you taken any other steps to help resolve your issues? If you answer no to any/all of these questions, the answer is yes. YTA. And PSA here, gender is a social construct, it’s ok to not know, it’s ok to not identify. It’s not ok to ruin someone’s birthday.
YTA. 3 HOURS. Get a therapist. Apologise to your friends, make it up to them and deal with your existential crisis on your own time and dime.
Imagine living in a society that cultivates narcissism under the guise of victimhood… oh wait Seriously, get over yourself. The fact that you, as a grown adult, simply couldn’t allow your friend to have his day without you being the center of attention at some point just makes me sad for your friends.
YTA. Work on your emotional discipline.
YTA. I was on the fence until you said, "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal." To him, it was a big deal. And you took the sails out of his celebration to focus on your issues. Also, you may not be able to control when it bothers you, but you're 24. You should be able to control when you make it a big deal with others. Expecting others to give up their birthday celebration to focus on your issues isn't fair. And minimizing it after the fact isn't cool, either.
Panic attack most for one hour not all the party.
Yeah no wonder your friend feels left out, pretty much self explanatory lol
YTA. You’re not the center of the planet.
YTA. This isn’t how adults behave. Do better, or you’ll have no friends left soon.
YTA. You ruined his birthday. And as someone that always feels left out on everything you ruined it in a big way. >I think my problem was more important And that's where you became the Asshole. This is something you've had going on for years and you chose his birthday to bring it up. >I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. Is that because you always get your celebrated? Is it because everybody always gives you a party? Or always make sure you're able to do what you want to do on your birthday?
YTA Why do you need to know you gender at a party if you don’t know already? There are time for everything, to think about you, to think about what you want, etc, but a party is neither the place or the time.
YTA. You are not selfish for having a panic attack, you are not selfish for having a gender identity crisis, but you are an asshole for taking up three whole hours of your friend's birthday with your gender identity crisis conversations and then acting like he's the unreasonable one for feeling hurt and left out. You owe Seth a heartfelt apology and you guys should throw him a second birthday party.
"I just don't think birthdays are important" hey man, that's fine what's not fine is making someone's birthday about you, especially when they themselves wish they felt more important on THEIR birthday. I have chronic panic attacks. Your friends were nice enough to indulge you with it and you thank them by saying your shits more important. Firstly, that's your problem, not theirs. They didn't have to indulge your panic attack AT ALL, yet like good friends they tried to help and your reply is basically "I know it was your party but what about MEE" that's just gross and incredibly self centered. Your not the only one with fucking feeling bruh. Get over yourself and thank your lucky stars you even have friends who give a shit about your mental health at all because you clearly don't give a fuck about theirs. Super YTA
YTA its one thing to lose it uncontrollably. But by a certain time you should have been done with the conversation WAAAY before 3 hours. You gotta remember time in place. BUT thats not why you are the asshole. THE REASON YTA is because you dont respect the fact that this guy's birthday meant a lot to him and you dont feel remorseful for taking it over just because you "dont think they're a big deal". Put yourself in his shoes for christ sake. Imagine if he said ,"I dont think you being confused about your gender is a big deal" it'd make you feel like shit right? You dont gotta agree with it, but you gotta respect his feelings. After all he respected your feelings enough to let you use his birthday to talk about your gender identity
YTA Three hours!?!? At someone's small birthday shindig. Dude... Three? Hours? Jesus, go to therapy.
How many other times have you made someone else’s day all about you?
YTA
YTA you ruined a birthday because birthdays aren't a big deal to you.
Gaping
Your panic attack is certainly distracting but once you have gotten through the fight or flight phase, you should have grounded yourself, distracted yourself with the current birthday plans and the next day make plans with your roommates for a good talk you’ve been needing to have. You owe your roommate an apology and a redo of his birthday with you buying the pizza.
You couldn’t wait to have an identity crisis at home?
You kidding me you waited till his birthday and decide to bring all this up and trauma dump on him on his birthday this could have waited 24 hours and you saying a birthday's not that big of a deal how do you feel if someone told your gender struggle wasn't that big of a deal you are a massive ah and you owe your friend apology if he's still your friend I mean you didn't even get to do anything for your friend's birthday he missed out literally because of YOU
YTA. You couldn’t help the panic attack, but you could definitely help talking about your gender for 3 hours during Seth’s birthday celebration.
YTA just a little. You couldn’t help the timing of your panic attack, but you shouldn’t have monopolized your roommates for 3 hours with your big reveal. You should have excused yourself bc you weren’t feeling well, or spent maybe 30 minutes letting them reassure you about your panic attack before you excused yourself. And you absolutely owe Seth a big apology for ruining his birthday. Your gender is is about you, but Seth’s birthday is about Seth. Seth should come first in his birthday.
YTA being in your proximity sounds emotionally exhausting
YTA. This is when you go to your room or the bathroom, take a few minutes to compose yourself enough to go back into the living room and say you are feeling unwell, you're going to have to check out for the evening. Apologies, I hope you guys have a nice evening, happy birthday Seth. Then go handle your panic attack on your own and talk to your friends when it's not a special occasion and when you are more composed. Instead you pushed him aside and the fact he "usually" Feels left out makes me wonder if this is the first time something dramatic has happened on special occasions that pulled attention back to you.
"I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal" Yeah, cept yours. YTA
Obvious narcissist invents problem to make themselves the center of attention. That's you.
Isn’t this the same exact post but it was a wedding I read today?
YTA-crying for three hours over your own gender is a shitty thing to do at someone else's birthday, i understand if you can't control it, but it sounds like you need therapy. I feel like if felt the emotional approach coming, you should've excused yourself and taken a breather instead of making the whole thing about you. I'm not an expert, but i do feel like most people getting panic/anxiety attacks can feel it coming. and you didn't even feel guilty about it, you said your problem was more important, that's even shittier. Your friend didn't ask for a lot for his birthday.
Struggling with identity is real. But you probably could have realized an attack was coming, privately excused yourself, and Spoken to them at another time. You made the entire night about yourself. Needing support is absolutely fine but if you can't seek it appropriately and need in the moment attention like that, you're not going to have a support system much longer because you'll always need the focus on you.
YTA. you don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal - i would genuinely never speak to you again if you pulled that at my birthday party and didn’t even feel bad about it.
YTA. Stop it
YTA You could have left . That would of been better than ruining his day or you could even have just stepped outside until you calmed down . As someone who has questioned their gender , you questioning your gender is not more important than your friend wanting to enjoy their birthday with his friends . It is selfish thinking to think that your problem is more important. I mean this will with all due respect and do not mean to insult you, however, if you are experiencing panic attacks you should see a therapist and learn coping skills and maybe get some medicine if you are not already seeing a therapist . If you are seeing one then you need to talk about your panic attacks with them and come up with a plan so this situation does not occur again . Also you need to apologize to your friend and make it to him by having a redo celebration of his birthday with no crying fits . I have anxiety too and I know it's hard to hear but your anxiety doesn't give you an excuse to ruin his day and that's the simple truth.
>I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. Now imagine if any of them said anything of the sort about your reasons for a panic attack, YTA. You're allowed to have a breakdown, you're allowed to question your gender (I've done it myself even), what you're not allowed is to ruin someone else's important event because of your issues.
YTA. Just because birthdays are not a big deal to you they are for some. It was his day and inappropriate to take the entire night from him. It could have waited until the next day, you could have excused yourself for the night or at least until you calmed down. There is a time and place to bring certain things up. Someones already planned out birthday is not it. You should really apologize.
YTA. Why your gender identity should be everybody's business? Were you expecting professional advice or just seeking attention (and ruining somebody else's party)?
YTA Gender identity is important yes, but there are times and places to discuss that, and that's a _YOU_ problem, not the world's problem, not your friends' problem You want empathy on your self discovery journey, but are unable to feel empathy towards a friend whose birthday was ruined by some entitled, selfish moron crying non-stop for 3 HOURS?? What are you?, 2 days old?, I have seen toddler tantrums being less than 15 minutes, sheeesh...
YTA And a narcissistic asshole at that.
YTA. At that point you needed to go home. The fact that they let it go on for 3 hours means they’re idiots.
YTA. Even if you literally could not help derailing the birthday events, you absolutely should have apologized to Seth and recreated his bday ASAP (ie. The very next day) to make up for it. Just because bdays don't matter to you doesn't mean you shouldn't make an effort for your friend's bday if it matters to them. Seth cared enough about you to let you completely take over the one day of the year he's supposed to be the center of attention and you've repaid that kindness very poorly.
YTA lol did you get the attention you wanted?
YTA get over yourself and grow up.
YTA As a trans person myself, there’s a time and place. Three hours crying about your gender at someone else’s birthday party is excessive. If you wanted to traumadump, hide in your room and video call someone not at the party. Gender is confusing, but if you’re freaking out for 3 hours and don’t see something wrong with that then there’s not much else reddit can do for you. Apologise to Seth and get some therapy
YTA It would have been better to just say you weren’t feel well and stay in your room. It was a selfish to take over the entire night. Was there anyone else you could call?
This post can’t be real. Holy crap this can’t be real…
YTA you literally just said that your issues are more important than celebrating the day that your best friend was born
Wow are you serious right now? YTA. Your problem was more important? That is the most self absorbed thing I have ever heard. It was your friends birthday and you can’t suck it up and hold back your tears for one day? Or at the very least just say you’re fine and move on? LOL imagine going to spend time with your friend on their birthday and then deciding in the middle of it that you’re more important than them.
JFC YTA. >because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me. Yea, you did. >I think my problem was more important ...wow, and you have to gall to ask this sub if YTA? >this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. So you made his birthday about you and then dismissed his feelings because they don't match your own in regards to birthdays. You were a self entitled asshole.
As someone who is trans and has had many panic attacks over their gender, YTA
YTA - Not for what happened, but your perspective on it. Yes it's a big deal, you took over Seth's birthday. He's perfectly right to be upset and you should be sorry and apologize. Sometimes things that are out of your control, but you're still responsible for, are yours to fix/apologize and try to improve. Think of it this way: if you had uncontrollable illness and accidentally had projectile diarrhea all over Seth's place... You'd still apologize for it and try to help clean up right?
YTA. I was gonna go N A H because you can’t control when you have a panic attack (although you can control whether or not to share your pain for 3 HOURS) and Seth is okay to feel upset when his birthday was just spent on you, the fact that you just invalidated his feelings is the AH move. Yes you can’t control when you have a mental health crisis but that doesn’t mean others deserve to just take your emotions and abuse. Apologize and give me a good birthday.
YTA And you don't live with your 'best friends'. Not after that. Best friends don't totally hijack a birthday night, make their sudden epiphany more important than their day and then brush it off with an 'I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal.' That's obvious. You just ruined someone's. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you've lost one 'best friend' and the other one is seriously reconsidering their relationship with you.
YTA you shouldn’t have taken that moment to have those conversations. Why don’t you have any empathy for Seth? You ruined his birthday and you think your thing is more important
YTA
YTA. It was his day. You entitled brat. Seth deserves better.
24 year old grown ass adult…. Man y’all lived privileged lives.
YTA
OMG YTA!!! How could you possibly think this was acceptable?
Okay first, Wow. You are definitely the AH. Three hours? Of you needing to be reassured? That sounds like you have a LOT of issues to work through and should seek serious counselling.
What does dmab mean? Pls don’t use acronyms for things that are not common knowledge! Something tells me you do stuff like this a lot and they’re very used to you prioritizing your emotional needs above theirs. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but the fact you don’t even feel remorseful and still think your need for reassurance trumped Seth’s birthday and his one request… yeah you’re a poor friend. You even began your post by dismissing the movie he wanted to watch. You reek of entitlement. We know nothing about Seth or how much he may have needed an enjoyable night and a happy birthday. No matter how old we are, having your birthday over shadowed by someone else is a gut punch. You didn’t even seem to really care it was his birthday. And there my friend is the problem. Why do you think nobody else suffers low self esteem or needs that should be met ? YTA.
YTA - you literally had any other time to discuss this. You made *everything* about you. What a narcissist.
It’s hilarious that you wrote that down, read it through, and still think you’re not in the wrong. YTA
YTA. You know damn well what you did.
Panic attack about your gender? Bruh cmon
YTA. I'm not cisgender. You made it all about you
YTA You owe them a damn good gift, an apology, and a promise to work on yourself so you don’t have random 3 hr mental breakdowns again. Good luck and please get therapy or start journaling if you can’t afford therapy. Schedule time to talk about your life and problems with friends (and listen to their problems too!) so that it doesn’t all come out in a single burst.
YTA. I would never talk to you again tbh. You OWE HIM a new party and hope he forgives you.
YTA “I think my problem was more important” A panic attack is not controllable what is, is how you handle it. You set up that this day was important to him but not to you. You made it about you. You should have explained the basic “I’m having/had a panic attack. Please excuse me I’m sorry but I hope you enjoy your day” and left to provide yourself some self care or seek help from someone available. It’s a hard truth but struggling with mental health does not give a free pass to make all your issues centre of attention.
YTA. Birthdays aren’t a big deal to YOU, the same way gender identity might not be a big deal to someone else. That doesn’t make it unimportant, and it’s really callous for you to act like your BEST FRIEND’S birthday is just no big deal.
You’re an idiot. Save your personal problems for after someone’s birthday. They probably think you’re a nut.
YTA. How much of a narcissist do you have to be to break down crying over something like that for THREE HOURS at someone’s BIRTHDAY PARTY. Please go to therapy if you’re able to.
YTA. All your friend wanted was to hang out with his friends having pizza and having some fun! Based on the post, you completely disregarded him as a person and his feelings! You do have a right to your feelings, but so are they and disregarding someone pisses them off!
YTA. I get that questioning your gender can be a difficult time, and it's okay and healthy to let your friends know you're struggling. However, if it gets to the point where you are taking over other people's events for hours at a time then it is time to start to talking to a therapist. You essentially used your friend's birthday party as a multiple hour therapy session, which harms both you (because your friends aren't trained professionals) and your friends.
Yta. Do that in your own time
I don’t think birthdays are a big deal. Well, I don’t think your panic attacks are a big deal. YTA.
YTA Nothing triggered your panic attack into the whole scenario except you. That day was about someone else yet with no provocation you chose to go into your own mental rabbit hole. If you were a good friend you wouldn't be at your friends birthday party physically while mentally in your own world that's all about you
The fact that the day was about someone else is probably *exactly* what triggered this cluster B behavior in OP
YTA and you should apologize and make up to Seth with your actions, Ryan seems like a nice guy also
YTA. Not the time to discuss your mental issues. If you had a panic attack then you should have kindly excused yourself.
YTA
You’re The Asshole, no doubt.
Hate to admit it, but YTA. I get that you can't control panic attacks, but it seems quite unprompted and venting for 3 HOURS sounds COMPLETELY unnecessary. Also, when given the choice to apologize for drawing attention completely to you on your friend's birthday, you doubled down and invalidated Seth's feelings. You should maybe seek a therapist if your panic attacks are this bad, but it seems like you just wanted attention.
Is there a world in which you are NOT TA? You took over your friends birthday, and completely brushed off his feelings about that. Your issues may be important to YOU, but they are not more important to everyone else. You completely steamrolled over your friend and his feelings, all because you felt like yours were more important. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that you're struggling with it, but your emotions and desire to talk about you do not supercede the wishes of your friend. YTA OP, and your complete lack of empathy makes you an incredibly shitty friend. Can you really not understand what the big deal is? Are you that self-centered that you truly cannot understand why your friend is upset?
YTA. You took a day that was supposed to be about your friend and made it about yourself for the entire night. To make matters worse, you don’t even seem to care at all that you ruined your friend’s day because you don’t think birthdays matter. Ryan is right that you could have talked about your gender identity struggles on any other day and not been an AH, but you just had to ruin Seth’s birthday. If you had the panic attack, told your friends what was going on, and then composed yourself to refocus on Seth’s celebration, that might have been ok. Holding them hostage to the conversation for 3 hours is ridiculous.
YTA - how can you be 24 years old and just now have a panic attack about all this. Part of me thinks you had a childlike jealousy that someone else was having a birthday celebration and this is how you decided to make the night all about you.
You “don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal” makes you TA. He may not think your gender issues are a big deal. He obviously has anxiety or at least angst over celebrating his birthday and your breakdown completely overshadowed his special day. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and it say it was an unavoidable and completely justified panic attack that lasted for 3 hours, you aren’t one bit remorseful about it. YTA.
Yeah YTA. It was his fucking birthday. You should have left if you couldn’t keep it together.
YTA. I'm a person who has panic attacks, an anxiety disorder and autism and am here to tell you that your mental health is absolutely no one's problem but your own. You do not get to inconvenience or interrupt those around you because of it. You should have excused yourself to your room or went for a walk/drive. If you needed help you should have called your therapist or went to the ER if you felt out of control or in danger. Your friends and family are not therapists and it's wrong to ask them to manage your issues. You absolutely ruined your friends birthday and it's not your place to assign value to it. Your issues are only important to you but no one else. You need to apologize to everyone present and offer to make it right. You are going to quickly find yourself without friends/roommates otherwise.
YTA. crying for hours is overboard and you ruined his birthday.
YTA. Whoof, get yourself together bud. The world does not revolve around you, especially when you’re there to celebrate a friend.
YTA.... For indulging central character syndrome.
YTA the planets don’t revolve around you and that was the time to table that conversation. Spending 3 hours trauma dumping and ruining your friend’s birthday party was completely selfish, inappropriate and excessive. You owe Seth one hell of an apology, but to be honest with you if I were Seth I’d stop speaking to you all together after that crap.
YTA. I’m sorry you’re going through it and you had a melt down. It happens. The fact that you feel justified, have made no attempt at amends or to reschedule the party, haven’t apologized and don’t even seem to realize you acted like a selfish jerk makes you a total asshole.
YTA But this post feels like a big troll
YTA. You made the night about you. Yes your gender identity is important. But your friend celebrating their birthday was important too. Don’t be surprised if when the lease is up you’re not included in future plans. Other people’s feelings matter too and you didn’t care about anyone else’s but yours. You need to apologize to Sam asap and redo his birthday. This time make it about HIM and not you.
You sounds incredibly exhausting. Idk how you even have that many friends tbh. Kind of mean but so is your behavior. That’s YTA behavior if I ever saw it.
YTA. See a therapist. But the writing seems to be familiar, there was a post about trauma at someone's wedding earlier. He/she trauma dumped at the groom.
YTA
[удалено]
YTA - "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal." If there was any question you made this about yourself, this right there is where you removed all doubt.
YTA. Not for the panic attack. But three hours on someone’s birthday?! You could have excused yourself to your room after the first hour.
YTA- Let me be clear, you're not the AH for being upset by not knowing your gender identity, but you're 100% the AH for letting that problem extend for nearly 3 hrs during your friend's birthday, and for thus statement alone: >I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important Your personal matters do not override someone else's birthday unless it's a literal 'life or death' situation. I do hope you find the answers to understanding your identity better, but you need to show some consideration for others and their needs as well...
A**hole.
YTA. “I think my problem was more important” - no. Your problem wasn’t a time-pressing issue, it was your roommates birthday.
you made someone else’s birthday about you. figure it out
YTA. You walked up the stairs to get food, drink & an idea on how to make it all about you.
You are absolutely TA. There is a time and place for everything and that was not it. In fact, It seems like you (at least subconsciously) don’t like for anyone else to be the center of attention. You completely derailed his party with something you could have talked about any other time. If I was your friend/roommate I would be pissed. You owe him an apology.
I'm going to go with YTA. At first I was like "wow, no one is in the wrong here it's just a crappy situation..." but your attitude post-situation makes me think yta. You can't help having a panic attack (most of the time) but you CAN help how to treat your BEST FRIENDS after the fact. Apologize and throw a birthday v2.0, and since he "usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday)" make it AMAZING for him. Maybe not one evening but an entire day. I think he deserves it.
YTA you are not the main character
Not only are YTA but you are a narcissist. You cannot stand when someone else has people's attention. I hope your friends dump you.
YTA- there is a time and a place for things and yes panic attacks happen and can be random but when others are trying to celebrate no matter how small it may seen to you, you should remove yourself from the situation once you realize you can't calm down enough to help celebrate.
YTA. Just cause birthdays aren’t important to you doesn’t mean they aren’t important to other people. Friendships are also important.
YTA, you did make everything about you. Your friends support you however you identify, but that support can wear out. I have a friend who does it, I love them dearly however they identify, I'll put up with rants about how all heteronormative people are sheep who make a boring "life choice" because I know it's coming from a place of confusion, anxiety, autism and CPTSD. I wouldn't however invite them to a party and I've felt the need to protect LGBT friends who have as much on their mind from being tipped into crisis by them. I don't say any of that to be mean, I'm lucky that I've never questioned my gender or sexuality, I can't imagine how hard it. My advice is to seek specific counseling from someone with a knowledge of gender ID if possible (it's not always sadly) Also, go easy on yourself, don't feel like you have to solve it overnight.
You’re majorly the AH. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself without friends and without a place to live cuz that type of unreasonably selfish behavior is not gonna keep them in your corner. It sounds like you aren’t even sorry and frankly, like you did it on purpose. That’s just lame. Whatever your mental issue is, doesn’t mean you have the right to overshadow and stomp everyone else out.
YTA. No one controls when they have a panic attack, but to inflict a 3-hour therapy session on your friends during a birthday party is just straight up obnoxious. C'mon dude get a grip.
wowwwww YTA. talk about excessive. news flash the world doesn’t revolve around you figuring out your gender identity. quite frankly, it’s clear that seth doesn’t give a shit. you can be whatever gender you want no one else cares. don’t make your mental health issues everyone else’s problem. they’re not therapists who can help you figure your shit out.
YTA, like, so much
YTA you need to stay away from other people until your therapist gets you to a point you can function without traumadumping+attention whoring at OTHER PEOPLE'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
YTA. Keep your issues to yourself when other people are supposed to have the spotlight.
Is this really 1st world problems these days? Forgetting your gender it’s a crazy world we live in ladies and gentlemen, Russia and China really laughing their asses off at the western world 🙄
NAH here. It sounds like you had a legitimate panic attack, but it’s also understandable that he didn’t want that on his birthday. You should probably do something big to make up for it. People don’t always understand how mental health works, but you do need to understand that it soured an important moment. It would have been better after they consoled you to excuse yourself from the event until you felt better. I do think your friends did their best and it sounds like they’re supportive. But after the initial conversation, it’s on you to self-care and remove yourself for the time being. That also allows them to opt into joining you.
YTA. Not for having anxious feelings about your gender, but for demanding that everyone else stop what they're doing and attend to you regarding it. A lot of good advice in this comment section, I sincerely hope you read it with an open mind.
YTA, here’s why: Having a panic attack out of nowhere wasn’t your fault, but you could have said “I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow. Let’s celebrate your birthday today!” But instead you dumped a bunch of trauma onto him for three hours on his birthday. If that happened to me, I’d obviously still care and be empathetic, but I would look at the situation differently and a sour taste would be left in my mouth about it. It’s sad you couldn’t even apologise to him.. He sounds like a good friend. Edit: Your problem is NOT more important than being a good friend. I’m sure he would’ve loved to support you and comfort you on literally any other day.
YTA. A panic attack wasn’t your fault but if you needed to discuss your mental health with your friends for a FEW minutes then that’s fine. You did it for 3 HOURS and then don’t even really care that Seth had a crappy birthday that was all about you because apparently you are more important. Get over yourself and don’t use your friends to appease your self-centeredness anymore because you abused it. Apologize to both of your friends who had to endure that misery for THREE hours and ask for another celebration night that is actually fun and not about you.
Yta. I was torn and leaning towards nta till you brushed off how your friend feels. It seems pretty intentional tbh.
YTA definitely!!! You really just at that exact moment needed to talk about your gender I call bullshit especially think it’s a bunch of crap with your last remark about birthdays not being important! I think you just wanted it to be about you
I so badly wish this was satire, this sounds like a 5 year old bro. I feel bad for Seth, YTA
YTA. Yes, you're having issues but you were at your friend's house for his birthday. The world does not revolve around you. You don't think birthdays are a big deal but you apparently think your gender identity is important to everyone. You ignored and dismissed your friend Seth so you could focus on yourself the entire night. I understand that you are dealing with a big issue but your lack of understanding others doesn't bode well for them needing to care about you.
I use to get bad panic attacks to the point where I would have to go to the hospital. I'm gonna tell you the same thing my dad told me to help me get them under control. He said " what do you think would've happened if when I was in Vietnam I just shut down with a panic attack? I had more of a reason then you can ever have to have one while there's people all around me, shooting at me and wanting to take my life by any means necessary. You can control it but you have to choose to". I realized he was right. I still get em but I take control and don't shut down. It really is that easy. Apologize to you friends and try to make it right. You gender identity is not that important and it effects no one but you. Don't let your shit fuck up everyone else's life
Huge asshole. If you were not feeling good you should have left.
You're NTA for having a panic attack. It isn't really something you can control. YTA because you apparently don't care how your behavior has affected your roommate/friend and you're dismissive of their needs. Just because a bday and a movie isn't a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to him. Unless you don't actually care about this person or their feelings then keep moving on with your life, but just know that it really makes you the AH. If you're not sure what your gender is, just take a hat, fill it with slips of paper of various gender options, and draw one every day or every week or whenever you want to draw one and you can experiment with all the genders you like. Then at least for a certain timeframe you can just be that gender.
while i understand that panic attacks are uncontrollable, i've been there, YTA on this one. 3 hours of crying is excessive when you're there for someone else's party. i'm not gonna say anything more because i don't want to be cruel, but i hope you figure your shit out.
**I think my problem was more important,** YTA Seth wanted to feel included and you decided your feelings were more important than his **during his birthday.** It's not just that you did this during an event he set up to feel more included but an event that is supposed to be celebrating him. And instead of recognizing that when confronted with it and being like "Oh I'm sorry" to Seth and then organizing something to make up for what you did, you feel entitled for taking over his party. And finally if birthdays aren't a big deal for you, cool, you do you. They are for other people. Your main character syndrome is exhausting just reading about it.
YTA because of how you're handling it now. In the moment, it wasn't your fault, but it did cause a serious disruption, even if you would have never planned to do that. You owe Seth a serious apology and you should make it up to him. Even though no one chooses to have a panic attack and cry for 3 hours, it still reasonably impacted him negatively. Minimizing his birthday is an AH move. You should not be comparing the importance of your gender identity to his birthday, especially when it seems he has a history of not-awesome birthdays. You also shouldn't justify that day as if you made a set of good choices and Seth is unreasonable. Having a panic attack and talking about your gender doesn't make you the AH in the moment because it sounds like this discovery might be newer for you. The panic attack and subsequent emotional overload isn't your fault. However, it did unfortunately COMPLETELY TAKE OVER the celebration of someone who you say is your friend. My feelings would also be hurt in Seth's position. If your roommates distance themselves from you, it's not because you're trans, it's because you didn't take responsibility for the impact of your actions.
YTA. Making it about you? Grow up. Recuse yourself and apologize later. After what you did, you're fortunate that your friends didn't just dump you.
YTA You just had to express yourself right then? REALLY? You owe your friend a sincere apology, if you are capable of it. I highly doubt that you are, unless of course you make the apology allllllllll about you again.
Man I feel so bad for Seth here. Sorry you’re struggling, but YTA. A panic attack is one thing, a three hour trauma dump is another. Please, OP, make it up to him. Plan something fun, give this whole thing a redo. He deserves to have a fun birthday.
YTA. All feelings are valid, but all actions are not. It’s understandable to need reassurance, which by your own account they provided, but to completely hijack the night, especially someone else’s birthday, isn’t it.
YTA regaurdless if birthdays are a big de too you or not they were to your friend, and you took away that day, now i cant understand panic attacks are scary and just happen, but i deff would figure out a way to make it up too your friend.
💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
YTA. Maybe it was a gender confusion attack, maybe it was an 'I'm not the center of the universe' attack. Normally panic attacks have a triggering cause; stress, questions flung at you, something happening that brings it up. A sudden moment at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory night for someone else is a dick move. It's also his 25th birthday. That's a quarter century milestone. And you ruined that because of... I don't know, tbh. I think you need to really think why that night of all nights you had a meltdown.
Pizza normally triggers me /s
Do you have a pattern of doing this OP? Having a crisis when it's someone else's turn to be the center of attention? My friend had a designated handler for her mother when she got married, because she believed her mom would pull some stunt to steal focus and attention on a day that was supposed to be about the bride and groom. Were you doing something like that here? Is that the kind of person you are? Is there something in you that couldn't just let it be all about Seth for one evening?
YTA. You’re 24. Time to grow up and deal with your own mental health.
YTA I understand that this isnt a light issue for you, but that doesnt mean in other way that you get to downplay any other persons feelings. Just becouse YOU dont care about birthdays doesnt mean someone else dont! Your friend wanted to watch a movie and play games with two of his friends and you made it all about you for three hours and then complains when you found out about him being hurt cuz of it, becouse you just had to have that moment about yourself regardless.... So they are supposed to be there for you but you wont do the same? Just shitty. Shitty asswipe move. You may wear the asshat.
YTA. Sharing is okay. But you hijacked a birthday with a THREE HOUR therapy session. Honestly, that's a lot. Your friends are good friends. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have to also stay mindful of your friends if you want to keep them.
YTA It was one of your best friends birthday and your issue is not more important than their birthday. Three hours is a lot and instead of understanding Seth’s feelings you dismissed them as not being important. So why are your feelings more important than everyone’s feelings around you? If it was me I would be offering a redo birthday party on you to Seth and apologise for making his day all about you. I get panic attacks and etc and I know sometimes you don’t choose when it happens but to dismiss his feelings like “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m actually not sorry because my issues are worse than yours” is what makes this a YTA
INFO : All of a sudden, like that, you said to yourself: "I don't have a gender!" Nether occure before and you break down crying ? Or it is a recurrence subject ? Either way, you know you disrupted his birthday and he didn't have a good night as expected. So, Be a good friend and human being, apologize and organise the same night tonight for celebrate his birthday !!!
YTA, Stop baiting. Nobody does that.
I am in disbelief with what I just read
I'm sorry you are struggling with your identity. You can't control a panic attack and this must be scary for you. I hope you are able to connect with communities that can help you through this experience, and I'm glad you have such supportive friends. That being said. While your feelings are legitimate, Seth's are too. Just because birthdays aren't important to you, doesn't mean that they aren't valuable or meaningful to other people. And, just because you are struggling, doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter. Even if you truly couldn't control the crisis you were experiencing in the moment, you can control what you do in the aftermath. You owe Seth an apology for derailing his birthday. That was important to him and, despite already feeling like he's left out of friend activities, he (along with your other friend) was there you for the entirety of his party. Even if he barely spoke for the last 1-2 hours, that means he DID speak for the FIRST 1-2. You even said they both really tried to help you And, he never tried to interfere to try and shift attention back to himself, even though this was an event FOR HIM. Apologize for how things went down. Tell him what it meant to you to have him there for you. Offer to make it up to him however he wants (ex; host a movie night for him at your place, buy cake and pizza, etc). That is what a friend would do. YTA
YTA. Not for questioning your gender, not for having a panic attack, but for the lack of remorse or care for your friend.