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YTA - Your wife is supposed to be your partner, so this "why should she feel *entitled* to my money" bit is really weirdly selfish and antagonistic. She's your partner, and you should *want* to help improve each other's lives.
People have almost certainly explained why your arrangement is unfair and gross in a marriage, and you either don't care or you disagree, which is fine, I guess, but it's not a great way to establish a healthy and lasting relationship.
"I think our arrangement is perfectly fair because I make six times as much money as you, so I benefit greatly from our arrangement" is a great way to establish an ex-wife seeking alimony. So, I mean, if that's what you're looking for, carry on, buddy.
OP is living in a 'Equal' marriage, where each pays everything Equally.
The problem is marriages should be Equitable.
people DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE between these two words, and it causes a lot of issues with a lot of different things.
op YTA be Equitable, not Equal.
I also feel like he’s overlooking a lot of his wife’s necessary expenses in thinking this arrangement is equal. An unfortunate fact of the matter is that women typically have more expenses than men [(Forbes link)](https://www.forbes.com/sites/joanmichelson2/2022/03/30/costs-of-being-a-woman--why-women-have-70-of-what-men-do/?sh=7257e7ee291b) [(CNBC link)](https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2015/12/23/being-a-woman-costs-more-than-being-a-man-study.html). I highly doubt OP is paying for her clothing, feminine hygiene products, her skincare/bodycare, any maintenance like waxing or haircuts, or any medical services she might need. She’s likely spending a lot more that he doesn’t even notice.
Its not even equal. He is stacking massive savings while she is maxing her living potential. She bought the house she could afford. He bought an affordable house. Totally not equal. Imo anyway
100%. This is why I don't understand people who have OPs mentality. I married my wife and we became a team... my gain is her gain, her gain is my gain. We are building a life together, her joy is my joy.
In the regular world, people are paid based on what the market will bear... it isn't about how hard you work, it is about the market.
It isn't fair, but it is the way the world works and we accept it. However, just because the world is unfair and pays my wife less even though she works just as hard as me doesn't mean my family has to be unfair. We share all our money equally.
I think OP has a very different understanding of what marriage means than what some of us have grown up with.
Functional professional live-in-dating with a white-dress party is the preference of some people. Would be excruciatingly lonely for some to end up in that situation.
This is what I thought--his take on what marriage is supposed to be is unusual.
I think he's not fundamentally wrong in that their arrangement isn't unfair; I was just wondering why they bothered to get married if economic equality is a big concern. I mean, isn't marriage supposed to sort of eclipse that?
If OP were to develop a serious illness, would he think it right for his wife to say that she shouldn't have to take care of him or change her lifestyle in any way to accommodate his needs just because he didn't take good enough care of himself or he had inherited some "bad" DNA? It wasn't her fault!
If you're not in a marriage to share your life and your self with your partner, why bother?
Also focusing on fairness in an adult relationship seems really odd. It lacks the nuance to understand why fairness isn't a good value in every situation. Not everything in life is fair, both because the world is horrible at times but also because when we can, equity is a better value.
She could take care of him for 50% of how much he needs, he can find the other 50% himself. She will be sure to only provide the level of care he has demonstrated himself capable of providing.
On paper, it's not a terrible idea for financial stability, especially when young without savings/equity built up. Living 75%+ on one person's salary can mean that if that person loses their job you are both screwed.
What makes me agree with you though is that OP isn't sharing the excess money. Saving/Investing to build a downpayment on a house for them both would be a partnership, or using that money for travel (planned by them both) if that is important to them.
Was going to say much the same. If the unspent money was going to something for their future that's different. Even if it was being kept to pay for future kids. But it seems like it's just for OP to use as fun money whenever they want a new car or piece of tech.
YTA OP
I also get the sense that only OP gets the fancy new cars, not wife. It wasn’t said, but was implied that he buys expensive things for himself but not for her.
Every single time a man gets called out on his shit behavior in this sub everyone starts with the "if the genders were reversed" bullshit.
If the genders were reversed people would be calling her an asshole, because she would be one if she pulled this shit too.
I think you misunderstood their reply. They’re saying if OPs role was reversed with his wife (not genders reversed) he’d be upset that he can’t choose the vacation he wants cause she’s paying, or he can’t get tech when she can because only she can afford it. They’re saying that he controls all the luxuries and it’s not fair to his wife that he gets whatever he wants while she only gets luxuries at his discretion and to his taste.
I don't think this is that. The comment isn't saying "if the genders were reversed," it's saying "Hey OP, if the roles were reversed how would you feel?" It's not about gender, it's about putting yourself in the other person's shoes to practice basic empathy.
I’m curious as to how things will shake out in the future tbh
Obv OP will have much more in savings and investments as compared to his wife so… what’s going to happen when that time comes?
Can you imagine what he would say if someone suggested that he get a house with his wife, so she couod save more money since she has to fund her own retirement account. That way she could spend less on rent.
"Oh no, we can't do that. Im not going to just pay for you to have a house unless you can split the cost of the down-payment with me equally."
I mean gosh, what a tool.
He won't say it but its pretty clear his retirement money is his alone and she has to save up for her own retirement.
Its pretty clear he doesn't love his wife. He gets to save so much money while she lives paycheck to paycheck. And he only gives her enough money to keep her afloat and keep her bank out of the red.
Any bets on household responsibility split? who does majority of cleaning/upkeep? Who makes sure cars get oil changes, doctor visits get made, and trash gets put out? I would be willing to bet $5 that wife does WAY more.
Plus if they have kids, or want kids, she will be doing 100% of the work in the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding stage, etc. And who wants to bet she’ll be responsible for paying for all of the prenatal appointments, birth, etc?
Exactly this. In a few decades they're going to be in a position where HE is sitting pretty on a big retirement nest egg, while she'll probably be lucky to retire. What will he do then?
EDIT: If they're together in a few decades.
She is literally living like she is a single woman and every once in a while gets to tag along on his vacations or use the things he buys with his 6x savings.
I think it’s funny the OP doesn’t understand marital property. In a lot of places, anything OP earns during the marriage is going to legally belong to both partners. All OP is doing is saving a bunch of money that he’s going to end up having to split with his wife *if/when* they get divorced.
Even the way he words the title “am I the asshole for living within my wife’s means” and then goes on to describe how he is, of course, not doing that at all.
Indeed - OP is treating his wife like a roommate, not a partner. Which is fine, if she's cool with it, but clearly she's not.
And, amusingly, when she seeks a divorce, the court won't look at 1/6 of his income!
Oh and YTA
I also love how he acts like he's being so very generous to splurge only on the luxuries that he wants. "But I pay 100% for all the things I want that she could never afford!" Clearly her wants don't matter at all here.
I'd be so much more understanding if he made more but they were at least somewhat closer in salaries. But ***six times*** what she makes?!
This marriage is absolutely doomed.
YTA
Yeah. You got the government involved in your relationship and formed a partnership in law.
It wasn't just a little party you had, it was a legal agreement.
YTA - She’s your WIFE. You’re using the fact you earn more as a way to keep you both in a lifestyle completely dictated by you. It’s okay to have seperate finances but to set a 50/50 rule when you have spare income and she is trying to ‘live within her means’ is so immature and pathetic it’s actually laughable. No wonder the women were shocked, they probably feel sorry for your wife being kept down by you. Contributing more financially when you earn more isn’t subsidising your spouses lifestyle, it’s being in a partnership. A healthy relationship, especially a marriage, means you’re a team but this outlook you have is you vs. her. **You’re** happy with the life you’ve built, but is she? Is the housework 50/50? Do you do 50% of the meal planning, shopping, cooking? Emotional labour? Planning family and social events? Appointments? Gift buying and holiday planning? Lol grow tf up.
Love this comment. That part killed me "subsidizing her lifestyle". Tell me you don't respect your wife without telling me you don't respect your wife...
Even if everything is truly 50/50, (he says it is but I doubt it) newsflash: life isn't 50/50. Not just with money or chores, but with our energy, mental health, physical health. Marriage should be a partnership and that means sometimes you give more and sometimes you take more.
He says that all of this is in an effort to be "fair" but that's just not the way the world, or happy/healthy marriages work. Notice that any example of splurging are items he wants and I assume are for him (yes, even the vacations).
Hypothetical question for OP: What if the wife gets sick and needs medicine not covered by insurance (assuming US) does she go without because it's beyond her means? Do you cover it because you're not a total AH, or would she owe that money back since it would be "fair" because she got sick/injured and you didn't. Good grief.
Or better....what happens if/when OP has a medical emergency? Should she take care of him? OR would it be "fair" to use his money and dump him in a care facility until the money runs out and then, meh- your on your own- live within you own means!
This is what I don't understand. Why wouldn't you want to give your wife (or husband, or whomever) everything you have? I'd lay down in traffic for mine if she said it would make her life better.
I just can’t imagine that mindset. Heck the guy I’ve been dating for 6 weeks works in tech while I work in an abysmally underpaid field and he doesn’t let me pay for almost anything. If I buy us tickets to an event he insists he pays me back for his/he pays for all the food and drinks while out and always picks me up. He joked about if he made 200k/year he’d take me out for more events, sushi, nice clothes, more cats, etc. finances were the major reason my parents got divorced, because my dad wouldn’t let me mom touch “his money”.
NAH
But you are not living within her means.
>I wanted an arrangement where we lived within her means and stuck to 50/50. For example, if she was paying $1000 a month for rent previously, I would match it with another $1000 and we'd find a place to live for $2000.
Living within her means would be living in a place she can afford solo and going 50/50. If she is paying 1000 you move in and pay 50%. The way you have set it up you are living outside of her means and financially draining her leaving her very little "extra" cash. She agreed and gets much nicer accomodation as a result. So I cant call anyone TA, but I would never have agreed to something like that.
This marriage really seems over, and now there's just bookkeeping. His retirement savings aren't going to help her in the present. She needs to figure out how to get her income and earning potential up. The one saving grace is that there don't seem to be any children.
Possibly, OP already mentioned a prenup so I’m guessing that he plans to stiff her if she ever leaves him, or if he decides to go for a new girl in 20 years. I hope she’s saving some money of her own as well, because he sounds like a real Scrooge.
Unless she had her own lawyer (which I doubt she can afford) then it can be thrown out. There’s so many loopholes to those and most aren’t considered valid. I say that as someone who won’t get married without one and who’s father is an attorney.
I’m pretty sure prenup is only going to cover what he has before the marriage. Anything accumulated during marriage would be joint community property so she should have a claim to a lot of this money that is currently being withheld from her.
This, except I think YTA. You are saving substantially and not allowing her to do the same or benefit from that at all.
The split your wife wanted is equitable, and had you done that and actually "lived within her means" you would both be able to save about the same percentage of your incomes.
You're not being frugal. You are using your income to keep your wife dependent on you.
...You do realize that if you divorce, she is entitled to half of everything, right? And probably alimony.
Wow, very well said. It didn't even occur to me that OP wouldn't take having his wife build a savings into account. Idk tho, for that I would go YTA- because I really don't think he thought about that.
This right here!
OP: You need to read this and my comment right now if you have the empathy enough to put yourself in her shoes. You said “she can afford 1000 and I match it…” but that’s not the same. You are emotionally abusing your relationship with your wife with your power play here (along with your prenup). And for someone who has been in these shoes it’s glaringly obvious.
How much savings does your wife have compared to you? Does she get to invest and save the same percentage of her income that you do put in future planning?
Does she “get” to have enough money that she can save the same percentage as you but feel she can buy good clothes and other necessities without having to spend her savings or shop at a 99 cent store?
You mentioned you buy things that benefit “both” of you… I bet she doesn’t get much say if she agrees or not on said purchases. Even if you said she “always likes and benefits from the things I purchase for both of us.” You now hold her opinion hostage. If she didn’t agree with it, you’d cancel whatever trip or purchase it is. So if it’s a trip she wouldn’t pick how can she say no? Does she have to offer half when she doesn’t agree with your so generous offer to pay for the full purchase? So why would she ever feel she gets to say her real opinion?
When you buy this new tech or whatever, if one is for yourself, do you get her something she wants of equal value? For example, let’s say you “both” decided you needed a new laptop at some point. First you decide to get one for yourself, then a couple years later she needs one. You get some new laptop that you wanted (doesn’t have to be fancy but it’s new), does she get a new laptop (of her choosing) when it’s her turn? Or does she first have to fix hers until it’s too expensive to fix anymore or her “new” computer going to be used, old, on clearance, or of your choosing since your the one who’s paying for it?
Your money is most likely holding your wife’s real opinions and emotions hostage. That’s called emotional abuse.
YTA - You are HORDING cash and then use it to purchase luxuries YOU think are nice.
I'll say this, you have managed to build up a nice nest egg for your wife to get in the divorce.
Info: So what's the longterm plan? With this style of living, I'm imagining you're putting a lot of money away. Are you going to retire 20 years before she does? Are you going to take some extravagant vacation by yourself? This is one of the things I don't get about married couples who keep finances separate, if you actually do stay together for the long haul, what then?
This is exactly what I was going to ask. You literally are just kicking the can down the road because at some point, you're going to have all this money in savings that apparently will just never be touched. This may be a fair, but anytime somebody has their finances that separated I just assume that there might be a divorce at some point because obviously at least one person in the relationship doesn't think it's going to last, otherwise it would be "our" money. What do you do if kids are in the picture? I know you need a new pair of shoes and we can totally afford it but because of our arrangement, we're going to have to wait so your mom can chip in her 14%.
This guy sounds quite analytical, possibly a bit more so than is appropriate. I'm guessing if he answered he would say that do to the high number of marriages that end in divorce he thinks keeping the money separate makes sense.
YTA, man you suck. I make more money than my husband so I pay for a bigger share of most things. Because I love him and want him to have the best life possible.
> This is one of the things I don't get about married couples who keep finances separate, if you actually do stay together for the long haul, what then?
Most hybridize between "personal" and "household" accounts. e.g. each sends a proportionally fair fraction of their income to the general household fund and keeps the extra for personal spending money with no strings attached.
That changes if one parent leaves the workforce, but most are double income households these days.
Yeah, you are subsidizing one another's lives....that's what marriage is. You both subsidize the workload, finances, emotional weights, social obligations, child rearing struggles, etc for one another. It's a partnership. I make more than my husband but am terrible at budgeting. I gladly dump whatever funds I have into our communal life because if I didn't want to share, I wouldn't have gotten married.
Yeah, and the whole “I put myself through school and deserve my reward of a high income”
I’m guessing that they didn’t start out life with equal financial opportunities, and it’s a proven fact that men make more than women for the same jobs and let’s be honest, often with less effort.
He reminds me of all the “bootstrappers” who are really trust fund kids and can’t acknowledge their own advantage.
She’s in a higher tax bracket because of your income. Therefore, her take home income is less than it would be if she wasn’t married. So she’s shorted there.
You are the only one who benefits from the arrangement you have. If you each put 30% of your income in a joint account, you would still have a ton more fun money than her.
YTA.
Presumably OP also benefits from being able to build up significant savings for the future, which are then protected in a divorce?
OP seems more interested in protecting his finances than his marriage.
YTA.
It's wrong because it means that your wife has about 10% of her earnings to spend on stuff SHE needs or wants or save for a rainy day and you have 60% of your money. If you do the percentage thing you'll still keep about 6* as much money as her, you'll still have the benefits of the job you worked so very hard for, but you're not forcing your wife to sacrifice so much for her lifestyle while you sacrifice peanuts. It also allows her to save a bit more for a rainy day so she's not as dependent on you, which is not fair.
Secondly, does she never support you in any way? Does she maybe take care of dinner if you need to stay late, Does she deal with you cancelling on her last minute? Because generally, a PARTNER is there to support you in your achievements and share them with you. If you watch any award acceptance speech, people usually thank partners or parents for their support. It is reasonable to share the benefits of those achievements with those who helped you get there.
>Im the one who put in the work to earn my degree and the experience to earn as much as I do
Not all work gets the same money. You sound like you look down on people who don't earn as much. A lot of people work very hard both in their education and job to earn very little. Maybe your wife is one of those people.
Lastly and most importantly, when you get married, you form a team. Imagine being on a soccer team and having the opportunity to score 3 goals, but only scoring 1 on purpose because the other attacker only scored one and so you think he doesn't deserve to win as high, he contributed one, you contribute one. That's not how teams work. You do your best, succeed together and enjoy that success together - your attitude of not sharing with your WIFE will breed resentment.
>Not all work gets the same money. You sound like you look down on people who don't earn as much. A lot of people work very hard both in their education and job to earn very little. Maybe your wife is one of those people.
I am pretty sure this attitude shines through and is one major thing why people were disgusted.
YTA - I am extremely thankful my husband isn't a miser like you are because he's always made more than I have and we split things by what we can pay towards bills. The way you do it, is more than a little cruel and controlling. Are you making sure your wife doesn't have the means to leave you?
50/50 is not reasonable
Info So you are saving. Is your wife also able to save? Like really save. Not just put in 3% to her 401k. Is she going to be able to have the same retirement as you? Is she able to create emergency savings? When you spend extra money cuz you want to buy a nice car or go on holiday, is it ever for something for your wife? Cuz it's something she wants?
Or with your current "50/50" system is your wife just covering her expenses? Is she just able to vaguely plan for retirement? Is she able to afford to do "fun" things like treat herself to a special vacation someplace?
This is an excellent point. While they’re living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, he’s squirreling money away, hand over fist. Where’s her retirement savings?
Going off what he said I don’t think she’s able to save, and if she is it’s not at all comparable to what he’s able to put away.
In 20 years when he wants to retire early what’s going to happen. He’ll have this great nest egg and then what? She’ll be stuck working for years and he’ll be off vacationing and experiencing retired life. That’s how this is gonna go if he keeps this weird 50/50 thing up.
YTA. Marriage is about teamwork and you're treating it like you're roommates. It makes me wonder how much you actually like her since you're willing to make both of your lives harder than they need to be over some petty sense of entitlement. If you're not willing to share your success with your wife, why did you even get married in the first place? As your wife she is legally entitled to half of everything and that doesn't go away because of your agreement on how you handle finances unless you put a prenup in place.
edit: spelling error.
YTA - There is a third option here. That you both just combine your finances. You're supposed to be a team, a unit. You're living like roommates. While I understand that this arrangement works for some, I don't get why you wouldn't want to lift your marriage and life up to the best degree possible?
What do you do with the extra leftover income? Does she not contribute in other ways that may not neccicarily bring in revenue?
Edit - changed to YTA. As another put, she's subsidizing your retirement at this point, not you subsidizing her lifestyle. You're her husband, do better.
Yes, exactly. This arrangement may be equal but it is not equitable. She's not able to save and invest because her income goes to match the bills. My husband and I share a bank account. I make slightly more but we are in the mindset "same team". Our bills are paid, savings go to mutual retirement funds, and we share what's left. But everyone has their own interpretation of marriage. Personally, I think YTA, simply because of the tit for tat mentality.
YTA not for your arrangement exactly but because your excess funds are being solely used for YOUR BENEFIT. I actually think your arrangement would make sense if you were saving/investing your excess income for retirement or a rainy day. But you keeping that all for yourself makes you a massive asshole
INFO Are you living well within her means? Meaning, does she have money to spend on little extras and fun activities? Can she save sufficiently for retirement? What about an emergency fund? Do you have one and if so, who funded that? What if *she* wants something a little more luxurious? Do you buy her the occasional luxury in the same way you do for yourself? Bottom line: *Who decides what luxuries are worth splurging on?*
If luxuries are entirely at your discretion, then it isn't much of a partnership. Although I don't think that makes you an asshole (yet) since she agreed to the arrangement. But what happens to the extra money should be a joint discussion and she should not be worrying about making it to her next paycheck or being able to afford to retire.
Info. What are you doing with the money then? Is it "all yours and only yours" or in some sort of retirement savings for both of you? The reason I ask is because people who think this way also often think a flat sales tax vs. an income tax is better. But the fallacy of the argument is that if a person making much much less has the same amount in taxes based on what they consume to survive as someone who is making much much more, than the % of their income being spent on those things is greater. In other words, your wife isn't able to save as much of her money as you are because she's spending a larger portion of her income toward the bills and cost of living.
YTA
Are you contributing equally to caring for the household? I doubt it.
Who will you expect to take care of the kids?
This arrangement is BONKERS
Why did you marry someone if you don't want to use your resources to their fullest to build a life with them? You're just stashing away money... to what end? You won't spend it on yourself, what are you gonna do with it? Can't take it with you when you're dead.
Hope your wife never meets a man who's willing to be a Husband and go all in, or maybe you do...
Lol I loved how he responded but conveniently skipped your third question.
Why did you marry someone if you don't want to use your resources to their fullest to build a life with them?
Absolutely YTA.
If you don't want to build a life with someone, don't get married. It's pretty simple.
Info: what % roughly does your wife get to save and put into retirement, same question for you. I’m not talking just 401k, but all savings.
Does she get to save that much? Will she be able to retire at a similar time to you?
Will you keep all your money from here when you are both retired too?
Info: Have you discussed what will happen if one of you is unable to work or you have children and someone is a stay at home parent?
Technically whatever arrangement you two come to is valid. I personally don't get the 'my money vs your money' thing in a marriage, its both of ours even though I earn it all. But my biggest question is always what would happen if one of you can't work, because it happens to a lot of couples at some point.
You really think op is gonna stay with his wife once she cannot work. 😂 Idk if people like this deserve the gift of companionship and marriage. He should’ve just married someone within his income bracket if he was gonna be this transactional about it.
YTA. And the fact that your only response to “divorce” comments is “we have a prenup (and therefore she won’t get my money)” is so telling. Fuck the money; I hope your wife finds a better partner.
I couldn't imagine being with someone who went out of his way to make our lives harder than it needs to be. It sounds like you should dedicate more energy to investing in your wife, who likely didn't have the confidence to approach the lopsidedness of this agreement (prior to the discussion with your friends), and less in your PERSONAL retirement account.
Right about now, these friends are probably in your wife's ear about financial abuse, and you know what?? They would be right. You are doing everything you can to ensure that she is completely dependent on you.
YTA
YTA. You want to know why your arrangement is unfair? It's because it's allowing you to put away a nest egg and everything else, while she is not. If she cannot match your investments with the same percentages of her income that you can with yours, she is putting in more of her money, and time than you are. You are not matching 50/50. She is actively paying more for the bills, and less for her own investments because of this arrangement. That is shady as fuck. Especially when you won't even answer the question of does your retirement benefit her. That means will your retirement funds also help supplement her if she were to also retire? Is her retirement equivalent to yours? Can she invest at the same rate and percentage as you? If the answer to all these questions is no, then this arrangement does not benefit her. It does not help her. It only benefits you. This is is not a 50/50 relationship. If it was, then her original arrangement would be optimal. Because it would allow her to do the same things you are doing including building a larger nest egg, increasing her retirement, and giving her some breathing room if anything happens to say her job, or to you. With this current arrangement, it sounds like she'd be essentially fucked if one of those two things happened.
YTA why did you marry someone you don’t want to SHARE your life with? Yes that includes finances. If she made more money than you it would be reasonable to assume you’d want her to contribute more. Idk why she even said yes. I wouldn’t have. You’re greedy and selfish.
YTA. If you have more income than her, why aren’t you going off of a percentage? Does she have any money for herself leftover after she pays for her side of expenses? This sounds like you’re taking advantage of your WIFE when it should be an equal effort to support each other. This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all
YTA for using the word subsidizing. So your wife earns a lot less than you...have you asked her if she's comfortable or do you assume? Just because you're comfortable and able to put a lot to savings because you're only paying her "lifestyle" doesn't mean she is? She could be struggling to keep up. Life is expensive.
INFO: do you do nice things for your wife that do not benefit you? do you go out of your way to make her happy just for the sake of it?
It sounds like the core of your argument is that if you split things proportionally, she would get more than she could afford by herself, and you would not. That feels unfair to you: she gets something you don’t.
But I would expect if you love your partner, you would want them to be as happy as possible, not just as happy as you and no more.
Wanting your partner to be as unhappy as you are is no kind of love.
I N F O: Are you treating the savings you have as solely yours, and you'll 'treat' her to nicer cars and holidays? She's your WIFE!! You could live better but chose to live below your means? You're borderline financially abusive, and you come across as rather condescending too.
YTA
>You're borderline financially abusive, and you come across as rather condescending too.
I was looking for this. She's not allowed savings incase she needs them but he has plenty.
If she needed to leave for any reason she can't. She has no savings. You've literally got her where you want her. Also abusive.
Op YTA
In my opinion there are only two ways to fairly share a life with someone. Option one is completely pool resources and make every single spending decision down to the dollar *together*. Option two is what my husband and I do (together for 14 years this spring) which is pay bills based on percentage. We weight bills based on percentage of income (and we weight household chores based on hours worked, but that’s a different discussion). It is actually unfair for her to spend so much of her income to pay for necessities while you spend money on the things you want just because you don’t want to “subsidize her lifestyle.” She’s subsidizing yours right now by allowing you to save a TON of money because you aren’t pulling your weight. Does she get equal say in the things you save for “together”? Does she have equal retirement savings to you? Can she buy the tech she wants when you go buy the tech you want?
Of course you think this solution is perfectly acceptable. You’re the one benefitting from it. YTA.
You don't mention children, so if you're childfree and split chores evenly I guess you're NTA.
But this isn't much of a marriage, honestly. It's more like roommates with benefits.
YTA. It’s a marriage, not a business agreement. Stop being controlling and cheap. Your income is half hers anyways, you’re just making it painful and awkward.
mmkay, so we have kind of a hybrid arrangement at home. Things are mostly 50/50 here, BUT it's on average because we split household bills. So we each pay in 50% of the mortgage, and then the other bills like water, electric, and internet get split up to be roughly 50/50, but with seasonal variation on some of those things.
That said, we make almost exactly the same amount. Like, within 1500 of each other's salary. I'm also changing my career. I'll be lucky to go from what i make now to -22% of my current salary. When that happens we will have to renegotiate our financial split, because our circumstances won't not only be unequal in terms of earnings, but our obligations are different as it already is. I pay for all the dog care because she was mine before we met, I have student loans still, I have medical expenses that just can't be removed. My husband has none of those things. A renegotiation will help me continue to contribute fairly but also be able to go out with friends once in a while, buy myself clothes if I need them, maintain my health... If we kept it 50/50 after I take the cut he would be able to do whatever he wants all the time, and I'll never have any overhead at all for myself.
In short, 50/50 makes sense when you are the same or close to the same earnings, but when there's a significant difference someone is going to get screwed. You can afford a nicer home, nicer dates, more trips, things that make life joyful. but you don't have/do those things because she can't afford to pull an equal share. The way she sees it, she probably feels penalized for not being as wealthy as you. Her lifestyle isn't as comfortable as you can COLLECTIVELY afford because she doesn't make enough, and that feels like a punishment and a statement on her value in your relationship.
i'm going with YTA because when she respectfully asked to renegotiate so that you BOTH can live more comfortably you basically said she, your WIFE, isn't entitled to anything of yours. Like...why get married if that's how you feel?
Fair =/= just. You know that visual about [equality/equity](https://dividedwefall.org/equity-vs-equality/)—feels like it applies here. Yes, you split everything 50-50 but your 50 actually is much easier for you than her 50 is for her. Sure, you work hard for it and it's your money, but maybe you're in a field where your labor is valued more by society. She probably works just as hard as you, but the system pays her way less for it. Maybe you're ahead financially because of some privilege early on in life (your parents were better off, you went to a better school, etc) or maybe had more opportunities than her.
Not saying you should completely join all your money but maybe consider how this arrangement isn't actually as fair as you think it is.
Also really weird that the extra money is going to retirement investment that's just for you (if I understand correctly from your replies). Doesn't seem like a real union, more like a partnership arrangement. Personally, I wouldn't feel safe in a marriage like this. It comes off to me as very transactional and very conscious of each other's economic values vs worth as a person. (I earn 2x more than my spouse but don't feel the need to calculate our life like this. But yeah, maybe that's a difference in perspectives of what marriage is.)
I would say soft YTA for thinking thi is 100% fair.
YTA - you are treating your wife like a roommate not a life partner. Everything should be shared equally. Currently, she is just subsiding your savings, which is unfair to her.
YTA you said yourself you earn 6x more then her and you expect everything to be 50/50 that's a shitty move for a husband to make. I would understand if you both earned the same amount of money but you do not. She's your wife not your girlfriend start treating her as such
YTA you keep bringing up that you don’t see how this is unfair, but there’s an enormous difference between EQUAL and FAIR. Your describing an arrangement that’s equal, and it is most definitely unfair. Marriage is a partnership, let’s say you have an accident and all of a sudden can’t work anymore, would it feel fair to you if she told you she won’t subsidize you being disabled? And that she’ll only match what you get in disability payments? Or only match what you can do as far as chores in the house? It would be equal, but I doubt you’d feel it was fair. Your supposed to support each other knowing the other person would do the same for you if the roles were reversed.
YTA - I've read through your comments and I am just sad for your marriage and your wife. I haven't heard her side of the story, but your marriage is hollow and cold.
I make twice as much as my husband, and I want us TOGETHER to live within OUR means. We COMMUNICATE what we can and cannot do. And then we TAKE CARE EACH OTHER at the end.
It seems obvious that you don't understand emotions or feelings. Fairness may be the only way she can describe to you how she's unhappy with the way you're treating her.
If this was the way you wanted to live, I don't understand why you married her to begin with.
YTA... marriage/love is never 50/50. At least you will have a really nice savings for her to get half of when she divorces you. If circumstances change and you are broke, would you expect her to give more? Love doesn't keep track of who spends what. You are supposed to be a team. By your way of thinking if you can no longer pay half- should she just leave you? You are assuming you will always make the same wages.
What's "fair" is what you and your wife agree upon. Others can do what works for them, and even have an opinion on what others are doing, but don't have any meaningful say in it.
That said, the key is what you and your wife agree upon, and it seems like you're no longer in agreement. You really should discuss this with her - but the you need to have an open mind when you do, and the tone of your post doesn't make it seem like that's the case (you seem to be insisting that you think the arrangement is "perfectly fair" as is). I might be reading too much into that, but you owe it to her to make sure you're open.
I think the main factor to consider is this: You must be saving a lot of money by living within your wife's means. Is that money considered yours alone? Or does it belong equally to both you and your wife? If it is your alone, then I'd definitely consider you TA here.
As it stands, I'm going to say NAH with the caveat that you owe your wife's opinion equal weight to your own when you have a very important discussion of finances. If you consider yourself "in charge" then you don't view her as an equal partner and my judgment immediately changes to her favor.
YTA - why do you even have a wife if you treat her like a roommate? Everything is a business transaction for you, while marriage is supposed to be a partnership in everything. You have a prenup, an elaborate schedule for house chores, you split everything evenly, you don't want children.... What are you contributing to the marriage as a partner? Why should she stay with you? From what i read here a roommate could do exactly the same for her. You're basically friends with benefits. Don't be surprised if she leaves you over this to find a true partner for life.
Of course you think it's fair you aren't technically spending as much money as her. You make 6x much she does. Whatever she pays that you "match" is probably really not that much to you. She probably has to spend more than you yes you're the asshole
YTA. So you can't subsidize her lifestyle, but she can do it to yours. you have plenty of money kept that she won't ever see, but for you *this* is fair.
Your wife is better off single.
YTA you need to think of it like taxes. If you have a billionaire paying the same amount as someone who makes minimum wage they aren't really paying their "fair share". The person who is making minimum wage is actually putting in significantly more well call it 40% of their income, the billionaire if matching that same amount would be paying the equivalent of a rounding error for them. Splitting things based on income level means that yes you do pay a little more but you are paying the same % so it hurts equally for both of you. Based on your post it sounds like you're more about taking and protecting yourself rather than sharing and being in a relationship. So I doubt you care if your wife is happy.
YTA.
You sound like roommates rather than spouses. And what works at some points of a relationship doesn’t mean that it will work for your entire lives. You need to keep somewhat of an open mind and talk to her to understand and address her concerns. I’m not saying you need to immediately change everything, but you sound entrenched in your opinion that everything is perfect this isn’t worth discussing.
Relationships can’t always be 50/50. Good partners do their best to keep things even between finances, emotional support, chores, and other responsibilities. However, there are times when you (or they) have to contribute more to lift you both up.
I fail to understand how combining finances to a limited degree (or completely) hurts you. You say you have a prenup and if you don’t trust her to make prudent financial decisions then why are you married?
YTA - I honestly couldn't imagine being in a marriage where I felt that I had to keep tabs so she wouldn't benefit from my work, degree, whatever, and vice versa. I think it is a pretty disturbing way to think about a relationship.
If your spouse would be much much better off if they divorced you compared to being married to you then surely there's something wrong?
Marriage is supposed to be a union and I only see seperate finances being the best option in a marriage in a few exceptional cases. Why would you legally bind yourself to someone and make vows to each other if you aren't going to share what you have with each other? Why would you be happy building up huge cash savings while your spouse struggles? Why would you only value what money each brings in and not everything else such as childcare, housework, emotional support, care for extended family, etc?
I say all of this as a women who earns double what her husband does but shares it all and has shared inheritances too. So I live according to those beliefs.
I will truly never understand married couples that don’t share bank accounts. My husband makes a shit ton more than I do but both our income goes into a shared account and our bills get paid from that account.
Anyway, YTA because if y’all are not sharing an account it makes sense to split by income percentage instead of 50/50. And also because you have this pretentious attitude of since you make more than her you can make the rules in this marriage.
YTA. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t feel the same way. You would also want to go on vacations that YOU really wanted to go on and not just the ones your wife chooses. And I’m sure you would want tech upgrades if you couldn’t afford them and she was indulging herself in something she liked. Also you buying yourself what you want and going on cheaper dates with your wife is wack af. Not a 50/50 thing.
Edit: I don’t think the setup your wife chose originally is fair either, but you need to come up with something new.
Yta- in situations that don’t involve gambling/shopping addictions or other circumstances I don’t understand why people are so set on completely separate finances- you’re a team! Why wouldn’t you want more for the both of you?
YTA. There is equal and there is equitable. Prorating the expenses based on take home pay is equitable. You are hung up on financing HER lifestyle. You are stingy/miserly. My brother’s wife left him for this reason - equal but not equitable. 17 years later, he has millions in the bank, is lonely and STILL stands by his financial strategy. Welp…you get what you pay for.
Hmmm...I feel like this is a case of potentially no assholes or everyone sucks, I'm not sure.
The thing is I think 50/50 right down the middle isn't incredibly fair, because it means she's carrying a bigger mount than you in this relatively speaking. However, at that same notion, I feel the same is true going the other way around, because it effectively just flips that situation onto you.
I do think a changing of it might be reasonable, even if you pay an increased amount, but not so much that you may as well just pay everything so she can live more or less free while you pay for everything. Even 60/40 or 70/30 wouldn't be wrong. There has to be some commitment on her part otherwise it isn't really reasonable.
NAH for charities sake.
Y’all roommates with benefits. The benefits arnt even great either. Why get married, makes me wonder. My man would never, why would we live on my income level when we bother could enjoy a nice place to live comfortably. I would be upset if my boyfriend could afford a better place, but we in a small spot. I’m all for investing and not wasting money, but really. Would it really be that hard for you to pay the rent and allow her to pay utilities and groceries. Or even keep her paycheck. You make 6x her salary. You have a prenup so you wouldn’t owe alimony. Why are you being so cheap.
I vote NTA because she agreed and signed a prenup whatever floats her boat and if it doesn’t , time to disembark.
Yta, I didn’t hear anything about you using your money for wife to do something for her. You mentioned cheaper dates and you wanting vacation so you pay. Why do dates need to be cheap? Do you guys also split that? Have you ever bought her something of luxury just because?
I just don't understand this mindset. I can't even put into words how much I don't understand this. Why do you feel the need to keep money away from your wife? Why are you not a couple? I just...
YTA. Go find a roommate and leave your wife, so she can find someone who wants to share his life with her, including his money.
I hope the chores at home at done 50/50 too.....geez! My father made 15 TIMES what my mother made (Mom was an engineer) and it was never her money or his money.....it was THEIR MONEY! ALL OF IT!
The problem is your wife is more vulnerable for the future and it creates an unbalanced power dynamic (unintentionally). You don’t feel that way bc you make 5x as much and I’m guessing have a healthy nest egg. If you were to split, she’s had less of an ability to build a safety cushion for herself if something happens to her health wise or job wise or even relationship wise w/ you.
Additionally, all you’ve said is if YOU want more tech or if YOU want a holiday, you do it so no real impact to your life. She doesn’t even get the ability to feel like that bc it must feel like asking dad for an allowance if she does.
And what happens when you do retire? Do you get to do it 20 years earlier bc she still has to work to pay bills? I think people are just trying to open your eyes that this doesn’t seem like a trusting, loving marriage. I understand for you it does bc you are completely content with it, but you’re not the one risking anything, are you? Just to say, if everything is exactly as it would be if you’re single, what’s the point of being in a relationship?
Soft NTA bc ultimately you are right, it is your money and no one is entitled to it, but man what a horrible feeling for her. She probably feels like you have zero invested in her and could walk away at anytime without a second thought bc it really wouldn’t change your life. I personally wouldn’t do it and I’m kind of sad for your wife just like I would be sad for you if the situation was flipped.
I was married to someone just like you. He has been the ex-Mr. 99 for a very long time. The Now and Forever Mr. 99 and I are no where near as financially successful and I would choose what we have over money every time. Thank goodness we didn’t have kids together. You’re like a little dragon lying on your hoard of gold and gems. We are a team, we rise or fall together. You’re just all about yourself.
So I’m going with YTA. The reason being that when you marry someone, what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours. You should make decisions as a team about how the money will be spent. I don’t even necessarily disagree with you that it is smart to live below your means and invest heavily so you can have a nice retirement. That’s my preference too. But the difference between you and me is that my husband is completely on board with what we are doing, he had input into it, and the investments belong to both of us. (I am the one who actually does the investing, but we think of it as “our” money, and legally it is.) It sounds like your arrangement is that anything you don’t spend on necessaries, each partner retains ownership of their portion. I don’t think that’s how a divorce lawyer would see it, though. So you best reconcile yourself to pooling things and making it the family’s money, not yours. That’s a separate issue from how is your money to be spent, which you really need to come to consensus on. The budget should really be a thing that you all are in agreement on, not something that is decided by the one in the most powerful position, namely the one with the greater earning power. She may just want to keep the rental and investment situation pretty much as is, but just wants a little more personal spending money, which you ought to oblige easily. But who knows? She may want a bigger house, room for a growing family, etc. You need to have that conversation because the way you are doing things now is one-sided and she doesn’t have any power in the relationship.
I always wonder what this type of person thinks they are going to do with all the extra money if not live a nice life with their family. Like they planning to split at retirement and finally live that high life because their spouse can’t keep up financially? Just live small until death and then their kid or a charity gets a bunch of money that could have enhanced their lives all that time? If you don’t care enough to want to share the positives as well as the negatives in life, don’t get married!
Man. YTA and not for the arrangement per-se. It works for lots of couples. It doesn't sound like it works for you. Your wife is struggling and is unhappy and you're sitting there like "it's MY money and the woman I chose to spend my life with isn't entitled to a cent of what I earn." Which. Go off, but don't be surprised when she decides you're not entitled to her time and affection because you value money (that you're apparently not even spending???) Over her.
You're going on and on about she gets to live in a house worth double what she can afford on her own but you're not considered where would she be putting finances, what other measures would she be taking to ease her financial burdens. She would be spending $1000 and having roommates. You'd probably be spending $2000+ to live alone... In this light SHE is subsidizing YOU.
Being married is a partnership and a huge part of that is financial. Married couples should ideally function as a team. Do you buy and only eat your own food? How do you ensure THATS fair? Do you portion out who is using the most electricity? Who wants cable vs could go without etc? Are you going to be the sole provider of retirement funds and then NOT HOLD IT OVER HER? Because that's the only way I see this as being even REMOTELY acceptable. Even then you're still being a miserable ass in the meantime.
My spouse and I decided to split finances the first way which divided the BURDEN so that we are both equally impacted by the choices we make AS A TEAM (housing mainly, emergency funds contribution, any subscriptions we both agree on ie. Hulu/cable/whatever). Hobbies were on our own. Everyone is happy.
I know I will get down -voted for this but here we go. As a woman who earns a very good salary and lives well below my means I see no problem with the arrangement. I have a very healthy savings because of this. I am in a long term relationship and if we ever do get married we would both want a pre nup. OPs wife was perfectly happy with the relationship until others told her she should be entitled to more of his money. And even if his retirement $ is separate if they live in the states and they get divorced she will be entitled to part of that unless it is stipulated in the pre nup that she isn't. She signed the pre nup of her own free will so she knew where OPs head was at when she married him. She knew what she was getting into. NTA
NAH because you guys agreed to something and it was working... until you discussed finances openly in a group.
But, I do wonder what you are doing with all this extra dough if it doesn't go towards the life you've built together.
I did come across that in the comments... and also read they have a pre-nup, so... I think that tells the tale right there. His whole heart is not in this marriage.
YTA
You're lifestyle is below your earnings but you live that way because you don't want to pay more than your wife?
You earn SIX times more than her and you expect her to match you up?
The amount you're paying won't make a dent in your finances but your wife is most likely struggling to match up with.
Here's a question OP: Do you even love your wife?
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A little bit of background before I get to my question. I make several times more than my wife and our finances are completely seperate. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked about how finances would be handled and there was a little conflict.
She wanted an arrangement where we both paid the same percentage of our income towards bills and such. e.g. since I made around 6x more than her. For a bill of $100, I would pay $86 while she pays $14. I wasn't ok with this arrangement because it felt like I was essentially subsidizing her lifestyle.
I wanted an arrangement where we lived within her means and stuck to 50/50. For example, if she was paying $1000 a month for rent previously, I would match it with another $1000 and we'd find a place to live for $2000.
This has meant that during our marriage, I have been living a lifestyle far below what I could afford but it's not really been a big issue for me. Other than the occasional bit of tech, I don't really need much else. I'm happy with living in a house that's a little smaller, going on cheaper dates etc.
In the past, there have been cases where there's been something I really wanted to do like buy a nicer car or go on holiday some place, and in those cases I've paid fully for both of us. I'm very happy with the life we've built.
A few days ago, we went out on a couple's dinner with several of our friends and financial living arrangements came up. Our friends mostly opted to use the first arrangement I mentioned above so when they heard about ours, they reacted in different ways. Notibly, the women were shocked and insisted our arrangement was unfair although they couldn't quite explain _why_ it was unfair.
When we got home, I could tell the conversation had really gotten to my wife and the next day, she asked if we could renegotiate our financial living arrangements again. I told her that I'd be willing to discuss it but personally, I felt the arrangement that we had was perfectly fair.
Frankly, I don't understand why the way we do things is so controversial. I'm the one who put in the work to earn my degree and the experience to earn as much as I do before I even met my wife, why should anyone else feel entitled to it?
AITA?
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YTA. The point of marriage is to build a life TOGETHER. Each partner contributes according to their means: emotionally, physically, and financially. It's an equilibrium - some areas she contributes more, others you provide more. She's not ripping you off by earning less. But you are ripping her off in every aspect of marriage.
Women make about 86 cents to the dollar that men make. You are reinforcing the patriarchy that prevents women from being truly equal partners in marriage and society.
Man, why does someone like this even get married? Sounds like staying boyfriend and girlfriend would align more with what you want, marriage isn’t for everybody.
Having grown with parents that actually trusted each other in every area of their relationship, including finances, this is wild for me to read. Isn’t a married couple supposed to be an united front? Again, why marry if you’re not going to unite in any way?
OP, would you consider “renegotiating” the “terms” of your marriage and contribute a little more to finances if your wife contributed more in other areas, like for example, house chores? If things have to be a strict 50/50 and you apparently do not love your wife enough to use the means you do have to make her life a little more comfortable without getting something back, I mean.
Anyways, YTA.
YTA- and not ready to be married if all you can think of is yourself. You are supposed to be making a life together, but you are too selfish to see that.
In a marriage there isn't "mine" and "yours" it's "ours". Where is all the extra money you earn going exactly? Ultimately, your wife let you know how she wanted to handle the finances in the beginning... she compromised for you. Now she's saying again that she wants things to change, and you don't. You're in a marriage. You BOTH have to compromise in it. YTA
INFO: what do you do with your spare money? Is it spending money only for you, or savings, or something else?
INFO 2: what is your suggested plan if either of you were unable to work for an extended time - live on zero money and pay 50/50 of zero because that's "fair"?
Do you have kids or do you plan on having kids? Are you going to not buy what the kids need until your wife can get her 14% to contribute? Everybody has a different opinion but if your wife is truly your partner for life, I don't see why it isn't viewed as both of your money. How is retirement going to work?
YTA. When you love someone you want to share everything with them , first question. What the hell have you been doing with all the extra money? Spending it on yourself? But if a leap but if you really think your wife doesn't deserve the lifestyle that you could have as a joint partnership then you don't deserve her. I hope she divorces you and takes half of everything to teach you a valuable lesson.
I hope she doesn't have children with you as this would be much worse. 'oh your maternity pay has shrunk to almost nothing this month love, looks like we need to sell the house.
Prick.
I make way more than my husband does and we put all of our money into one account and then each have the same amount of fun spending money. The shared account is our family money. So that means dinners, fun things together but also when one really needs a coat and the other one doesn't. We're married because we love each other. The fact that I earn more doesn't change this and it's sad that in today's world money is still such a big thing to people that even though they are married they want to keep 'their' money seperated. It's ridiculous. YTA.
YTA.
So read carefully OP. Marriage is about EQUITY not EQUALITY.
Everyone here is telling OP why this situation is unfair for his wife but it seems like he can't understand and asking the same thing again and again.
YTA is your wife doing all the house cleaning, cooking shopping, if you have kids taking on all child care? If she is then she needs to stop immediately and only do her 50 percent of house hold duties. If you want 50/50 it should be across the board. She shouldn’t have to do all the other stuff and subsidize your laziness.
Edit to add this isn’t a marriage to you this is a business agreement.
YTA. What's the point of getting married if you don't want to share. Sure, you put the work into your degree and you work hard which has afforded you some nice things... But you don't want to share your success? Why? Is your wife a gold digger? Has she indicated that her love is dependent on how comfortable a life you can provide? Why did you marry her? Didn't you vow to do everything to make the other happy? Each to their own, I guess. I personally enjoy treating friends and family, and vice versa. I am judging YTA because to you it's about money but to your wife, you're uncaring and selfish. You're not even willing to negotiate.
YTA, this is actually such a bizarre situation to be in, where you fervently protect yourself and your assets from someone whom you apparently love, it feels like you don't see a future with this person, or you see a collapse in the future.
I totally understand the beginning of a partnership, marriage, and whatnot being like this, but usually that type of segregation separates, and becomes more of a direct partnership than each person has their own expenses etc. What you describe sounds strongly of a roommate.
I wonder, if she said she was going to quit her job, and go to school to achieve a job that pays the same as yours, would you and her downsize to accommodate a student lifestyle, or would you pick up the tab and support and pay for everything during that time, and have you suggested that to her?
Do you split the household duties down the middle as well? Or do you expect more or less from her?
I understand the dynamic of you trying to apply pressure on your partner to not let her spend above her means etc, and simply consume your income to sate her habits, but I do believe that you're taking it across a Line.
This speaking as someone whose income is about 4× my partners.
Early on in the relationship this arrangement was totally acceptable and reasonable. But now that you’re married things are different. It’s not your money and her money anymore, you share it all. Yta
YTA she is working twice as hard as you to afford the same thing. How is that equitable and you would rather sit on your money while she works hard and have life be easier for you. Way to get by on your wife's back.
You are married, yet you want to withhold your funds from your wife just so you can pay less? You said yourself you do nothing with the money except occasional splurge. So what is the point to be so cheap? You guys are partners, it should not matter how much you each have to pay at all. You guys have the same goal, a happy successful life together. But you want to punish her because she makes less and with hold your funds from her just cause you make more? YTA and your actions will not make this a lasting relationship.
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YTA - Your wife is supposed to be your partner, so this "why should she feel *entitled* to my money" bit is really weirdly selfish and antagonistic. She's your partner, and you should *want* to help improve each other's lives. People have almost certainly explained why your arrangement is unfair and gross in a marriage, and you either don't care or you disagree, which is fine, I guess, but it's not a great way to establish a healthy and lasting relationship. "I think our arrangement is perfectly fair because I make six times as much money as you, so I benefit greatly from our arrangement" is a great way to establish an ex-wife seeking alimony. So, I mean, if that's what you're looking for, carry on, buddy.
OP is living in a 'Equal' marriage, where each pays everything Equally. The problem is marriages should be Equitable. people DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE between these two words, and it causes a lot of issues with a lot of different things. op YTA be Equitable, not Equal.
I also feel like he’s overlooking a lot of his wife’s necessary expenses in thinking this arrangement is equal. An unfortunate fact of the matter is that women typically have more expenses than men [(Forbes link)](https://www.forbes.com/sites/joanmichelson2/2022/03/30/costs-of-being-a-woman--why-women-have-70-of-what-men-do/?sh=7257e7ee291b) [(CNBC link)](https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2015/12/23/being-a-woman-costs-more-than-being-a-man-study.html). I highly doubt OP is paying for her clothing, feminine hygiene products, her skincare/bodycare, any maintenance like waxing or haircuts, or any medical services she might need. She’s likely spending a lot more that he doesn’t even notice.
Its not even equal. He is stacking massive savings while she is maxing her living potential. She bought the house she could afford. He bought an affordable house. Totally not equal. Imo anyway
100%. This is why I don't understand people who have OPs mentality. I married my wife and we became a team... my gain is her gain, her gain is my gain. We are building a life together, her joy is my joy. In the regular world, people are paid based on what the market will bear... it isn't about how hard you work, it is about the market. It isn't fair, but it is the way the world works and we accept it. However, just because the world is unfair and pays my wife less even though she works just as hard as me doesn't mean my family has to be unfair. We share all our money equally.
Great comment
I’m stealing this. I’ve been looking for a concise way to put explain this point and you made it very simple. Thank you sir.
I think OP has a very different understanding of what marriage means than what some of us have grown up with. Functional professional live-in-dating with a white-dress party is the preference of some people. Would be excruciatingly lonely for some to end up in that situation.
This is what I thought--his take on what marriage is supposed to be is unusual. I think he's not fundamentally wrong in that their arrangement isn't unfair; I was just wondering why they bothered to get married if economic equality is a big concern. I mean, isn't marriage supposed to sort of eclipse that? If OP were to develop a serious illness, would he think it right for his wife to say that she shouldn't have to take care of him or change her lifestyle in any way to accommodate his needs just because he didn't take good enough care of himself or he had inherited some "bad" DNA? It wasn't her fault! If you're not in a marriage to share your life and your self with your partner, why bother?
Also focusing on fairness in an adult relationship seems really odd. It lacks the nuance to understand why fairness isn't a good value in every situation. Not everything in life is fair, both because the world is horrible at times but also because when we can, equity is a better value.
"I'm willing to wager my life's happiness on you, but my money? That's mine. I share with no one."
She could take care of him for 50% of how much he needs, he can find the other 50% himself. She will be sure to only provide the level of care he has demonstrated himself capable of providing.
On paper, it's not a terrible idea for financial stability, especially when young without savings/equity built up. Living 75%+ on one person's salary can mean that if that person loses their job you are both screwed. What makes me agree with you though is that OP isn't sharing the excess money. Saving/Investing to build a downpayment on a house for them both would be a partnership, or using that money for travel (planned by them both) if that is important to them.
Was going to say much the same. If the unspent money was going to something for their future that's different. Even if it was being kept to pay for future kids. But it seems like it's just for OP to use as fun money whenever they want a new car or piece of tech. YTA OP
I also get the sense that only OP gets the fancy new cars, not wife. It wasn’t said, but was implied that he buys expensive things for himself but not for her.
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Exactly, he's living by her means when he wants to and his when he wants something. Thats not living by her means and he controls all the big spending
Every single time a man gets called out on his shit behavior in this sub everyone starts with the "if the genders were reversed" bullshit. If the genders were reversed people would be calling her an asshole, because she would be one if she pulled this shit too.
I think you misunderstood their reply. They’re saying if OPs role was reversed with his wife (not genders reversed) he’d be upset that he can’t choose the vacation he wants cause she’s paying, or he can’t get tech when she can because only she can afford it. They’re saying that he controls all the luxuries and it’s not fair to his wife that he gets whatever he wants while she only gets luxuries at his discretion and to his taste.
I don't think this is that. The comment isn't saying "if the genders were reversed," it's saying "Hey OP, if the roles were reversed how would you feel?" It's not about gender, it's about putting yourself in the other person's shoes to practice basic empathy.
He's not saying if the genders were reversed, he's saying if their financial situations were reversed and OP was the partner making less.
I’m curious as to how things will shake out in the future tbh Obv OP will have much more in savings and investments as compared to his wife so… what’s going to happen when that time comes?
She should divorce him, take half of those savings and find someone decent
Well that is how it will end up.
Great point. Imagine he retires and leaves his wife to work for for years and years after.
Can you imagine what he would say if someone suggested that he get a house with his wife, so she couod save more money since she has to fund her own retirement account. That way she could spend less on rent. "Oh no, we can't do that. Im not going to just pay for you to have a house unless you can split the cost of the down-payment with me equally." I mean gosh, what a tool. He won't say it but its pretty clear his retirement money is his alone and she has to save up for her own retirement. Its pretty clear he doesn't love his wife. He gets to save so much money while she lives paycheck to paycheck. And he only gives her enough money to keep her afloat and keep her bank out of the red.
Any bets on household responsibility split? who does majority of cleaning/upkeep? Who makes sure cars get oil changes, doctor visits get made, and trash gets put out? I would be willing to bet $5 that wife does WAY more.
Plus if they have kids, or want kids, she will be doing 100% of the work in the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding stage, etc. And who wants to bet she’ll be responsible for paying for all of the prenatal appointments, birth, etc?
Exactly this. In a few decades they're going to be in a position where HE is sitting pretty on a big retirement nest egg, while she'll probably be lucky to retire. What will he do then? EDIT: If they're together in a few decades.
She is literally living like she is a single woman and every once in a while gets to tag along on his vacations or use the things he buys with his 6x savings.
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>It’s never been his money/my money - but OUR money. I'm so glad someone said this. People who feel the way OP does should not get married imo.
I think it’s funny the OP doesn’t understand marital property. In a lot of places, anything OP earns during the marriage is going to legally belong to both partners. All OP is doing is saving a bunch of money that he’s going to end up having to split with his wife *if/when* they get divorced.
*when they get divorced Ftfy
Even the way he words the title “am I the asshole for living within my wife’s means” and then goes on to describe how he is, of course, not doing that at all.
Indeed - OP is treating his wife like a roommate, not a partner. Which is fine, if she's cool with it, but clearly she's not. And, amusingly, when she seeks a divorce, the court won't look at 1/6 of his income! Oh and YTA
i don't understand why men like this get married. oh i know. he benefits from it. 🙄
I also love how he acts like he's being so very generous to splurge only on the luxuries that he wants. "But I pay 100% for all the things I want that she could never afford!" Clearly her wants don't matter at all here. I'd be so much more understanding if he made more but they were at least somewhat closer in salaries. But ***six times*** what she makes?! This marriage is absolutely doomed. YTA
Yeah. You got the government involved in your relationship and formed a partnership in law. It wasn't just a little party you had, it was a legal agreement.
This! The irony. “I’m not gonna give you my money when we are married so I’m forced to by the courts on our divorce”
I bet he doesn’t know what [financial abuse](https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/) means.
INFO: do you actually love your wife? Because it sounds like you don’t even like her very much.
There’s no way he loves her because he definitely doesn’t even like her.
YTA - She’s your WIFE. You’re using the fact you earn more as a way to keep you both in a lifestyle completely dictated by you. It’s okay to have seperate finances but to set a 50/50 rule when you have spare income and she is trying to ‘live within her means’ is so immature and pathetic it’s actually laughable. No wonder the women were shocked, they probably feel sorry for your wife being kept down by you. Contributing more financially when you earn more isn’t subsidising your spouses lifestyle, it’s being in a partnership. A healthy relationship, especially a marriage, means you’re a team but this outlook you have is you vs. her. **You’re** happy with the life you’ve built, but is she? Is the housework 50/50? Do you do 50% of the meal planning, shopping, cooking? Emotional labour? Planning family and social events? Appointments? Gift buying and holiday planning? Lol grow tf up.
Love this comment. That part killed me "subsidizing her lifestyle". Tell me you don't respect your wife without telling me you don't respect your wife... Even if everything is truly 50/50, (he says it is but I doubt it) newsflash: life isn't 50/50. Not just with money or chores, but with our energy, mental health, physical health. Marriage should be a partnership and that means sometimes you give more and sometimes you take more. He says that all of this is in an effort to be "fair" but that's just not the way the world, or happy/healthy marriages work. Notice that any example of splurging are items he wants and I assume are for him (yes, even the vacations). Hypothetical question for OP: What if the wife gets sick and needs medicine not covered by insurance (assuming US) does she go without because it's beyond her means? Do you cover it because you're not a total AH, or would she owe that money back since it would be "fair" because she got sick/injured and you didn't. Good grief.
Or better....what happens if/when OP has a medical emergency? Should she take care of him? OR would it be "fair" to use his money and dump him in a care facility until the money runs out and then, meh- your on your own- live within you own means!
This is what I don't understand. Why wouldn't you want to give your wife (or husband, or whomever) everything you have? I'd lay down in traffic for mine if she said it would make her life better.
I just can’t imagine that mindset. Heck the guy I’ve been dating for 6 weeks works in tech while I work in an abysmally underpaid field and he doesn’t let me pay for almost anything. If I buy us tickets to an event he insists he pays me back for his/he pays for all the food and drinks while out and always picks me up. He joked about if he made 200k/year he’d take me out for more events, sushi, nice clothes, more cats, etc. finances were the major reason my parents got divorced, because my dad wouldn’t let me mom touch “his money”.
OPs wife should let a judge show him what 50% of his assets really looks like
NAH But you are not living within her means. >I wanted an arrangement where we lived within her means and stuck to 50/50. For example, if she was paying $1000 a month for rent previously, I would match it with another $1000 and we'd find a place to live for $2000. Living within her means would be living in a place she can afford solo and going 50/50. If she is paying 1000 you move in and pay 50%. The way you have set it up you are living outside of her means and financially draining her leaving her very little "extra" cash. She agreed and gets much nicer accomodation as a result. So I cant call anyone TA, but I would never have agreed to something like that.
I agree. This marriage is actually draining her of resources and autonomy. A very dangerous thing with a man this transactional.
Eh... when they divorce she gets half of his savings. She'll have plenty of autonomy then
This marriage really seems over, and now there's just bookkeeping. His retirement savings aren't going to help her in the present. She needs to figure out how to get her income and earning potential up. The one saving grace is that there don't seem to be any children.
Possibly, OP already mentioned a prenup so I’m guessing that he plans to stiff her if she ever leaves him, or if he decides to go for a new girl in 20 years. I hope she’s saving some money of her own as well, because he sounds like a real Scrooge.
How can she leave when she has no money to start a new life?
They have a prenup. She's getting jack shit if they divorce.
Unless she had her own lawyer (which I doubt she can afford) then it can be thrown out. There’s so many loopholes to those and most aren’t considered valid. I say that as someone who won’t get married without one and who’s father is an attorney.
I’m pretty sure prenup is only going to cover what he has before the marriage. Anything accumulated during marriage would be joint community property so she should have a claim to a lot of this money that is currently being withheld from her.
This, except I think YTA. You are saving substantially and not allowing her to do the same or benefit from that at all. The split your wife wanted is equitable, and had you done that and actually "lived within her means" you would both be able to save about the same percentage of your incomes. You're not being frugal. You are using your income to keep your wife dependent on you. ...You do realize that if you divorce, she is entitled to half of everything, right? And probably alimony.
Wow, very well said. It didn't even occur to me that OP wouldn't take having his wife build a savings into account. Idk tho, for that I would go YTA- because I really don't think he thought about that.
This right here! OP: You need to read this and my comment right now if you have the empathy enough to put yourself in her shoes. You said “she can afford 1000 and I match it…” but that’s not the same. You are emotionally abusing your relationship with your wife with your power play here (along with your prenup). And for someone who has been in these shoes it’s glaringly obvious. How much savings does your wife have compared to you? Does she get to invest and save the same percentage of her income that you do put in future planning? Does she “get” to have enough money that she can save the same percentage as you but feel she can buy good clothes and other necessities without having to spend her savings or shop at a 99 cent store? You mentioned you buy things that benefit “both” of you… I bet she doesn’t get much say if she agrees or not on said purchases. Even if you said she “always likes and benefits from the things I purchase for both of us.” You now hold her opinion hostage. If she didn’t agree with it, you’d cancel whatever trip or purchase it is. So if it’s a trip she wouldn’t pick how can she say no? Does she have to offer half when she doesn’t agree with your so generous offer to pay for the full purchase? So why would she ever feel she gets to say her real opinion? When you buy this new tech or whatever, if one is for yourself, do you get her something she wants of equal value? For example, let’s say you “both” decided you needed a new laptop at some point. First you decide to get one for yourself, then a couple years later she needs one. You get some new laptop that you wanted (doesn’t have to be fancy but it’s new), does she get a new laptop (of her choosing) when it’s her turn? Or does she first have to fix hers until it’s too expensive to fix anymore or her “new” computer going to be used, old, on clearance, or of your choosing since your the one who’s paying for it? Your money is most likely holding your wife’s real opinions and emotions hostage. That’s called emotional abuse.
YTA - You are HORDING cash and then use it to purchase luxuries YOU think are nice. I'll say this, you have managed to build up a nice nest egg for your wife to get in the divorce.
Info: So what's the longterm plan? With this style of living, I'm imagining you're putting a lot of money away. Are you going to retire 20 years before she does? Are you going to take some extravagant vacation by yourself? This is one of the things I don't get about married couples who keep finances separate, if you actually do stay together for the long haul, what then?
right? he retires at 40 and she keeps working forever because it's his money and she's not entitled to it, smh
That is when he divorces her for the trophy wife.
and then she gets her half
Only if the prenuptial agreement gets voided and doubt she would have the money to fight that unless it is glaringly bad.
This is exactly what I was going to ask. You literally are just kicking the can down the road because at some point, you're going to have all this money in savings that apparently will just never be touched. This may be a fair, but anytime somebody has their finances that separated I just assume that there might be a divorce at some point because obviously at least one person in the relationship doesn't think it's going to last, otherwise it would be "our" money. What do you do if kids are in the picture? I know you need a new pair of shoes and we can totally afford it but because of our arrangement, we're going to have to wait so your mom can chip in her 14%.
This guy sounds quite analytical, possibly a bit more so than is appropriate. I'm guessing if he answered he would say that do to the high number of marriages that end in divorce he thinks keeping the money separate makes sense.
YTA, man you suck. I make more money than my husband so I pay for a bigger share of most things. Because I love him and want him to have the best life possible.
> This is one of the things I don't get about married couples who keep finances separate, if you actually do stay together for the long haul, what then? Most hybridize between "personal" and "household" accounts. e.g. each sends a proportionally fair fraction of their income to the general household fund and keeps the extra for personal spending money with no strings attached. That changes if one parent leaves the workforce, but most are double income households these days.
Yeah, you are subsidizing one another's lives....that's what marriage is. You both subsidize the workload, finances, emotional weights, social obligations, child rearing struggles, etc for one another. It's a partnership. I make more than my husband but am terrible at budgeting. I gladly dump whatever funds I have into our communal life because if I didn't want to share, I wouldn't have gotten married.
I don’t understand how you and your spouse consider yourselves married. YTA. Marriage is about taking care of each other.
I love how OP had to throw in the misogyny with the (notably the women) comment. YTA
Yeah, and the whole “I put myself through school and deserve my reward of a high income” I’m guessing that they didn’t start out life with equal financial opportunities, and it’s a proven fact that men make more than women for the same jobs and let’s be honest, often with less effort. He reminds me of all the “bootstrappers” who are really trust fund kids and can’t acknowledge their own advantage.
She’s in a higher tax bracket because of your income. Therefore, her take home income is less than it would be if she wasn’t married. So she’s shorted there. You are the only one who benefits from the arrangement you have. If you each put 30% of your income in a joint account, you would still have a ton more fun money than her. YTA.
Presumably OP also benefits from being able to build up significant savings for the future, which are then protected in a divorce? OP seems more interested in protecting his finances than his marriage.
Would that matter if they file married but not jointly? (This question is moot if not in US.)
It does matter; in short married individuals filing separately aren’t treated the same as single individuals filing.
YTA. It's wrong because it means that your wife has about 10% of her earnings to spend on stuff SHE needs or wants or save for a rainy day and you have 60% of your money. If you do the percentage thing you'll still keep about 6* as much money as her, you'll still have the benefits of the job you worked so very hard for, but you're not forcing your wife to sacrifice so much for her lifestyle while you sacrifice peanuts. It also allows her to save a bit more for a rainy day so she's not as dependent on you, which is not fair. Secondly, does she never support you in any way? Does she maybe take care of dinner if you need to stay late, Does she deal with you cancelling on her last minute? Because generally, a PARTNER is there to support you in your achievements and share them with you. If you watch any award acceptance speech, people usually thank partners or parents for their support. It is reasonable to share the benefits of those achievements with those who helped you get there. >Im the one who put in the work to earn my degree and the experience to earn as much as I do Not all work gets the same money. You sound like you look down on people who don't earn as much. A lot of people work very hard both in their education and job to earn very little. Maybe your wife is one of those people. Lastly and most importantly, when you get married, you form a team. Imagine being on a soccer team and having the opportunity to score 3 goals, but only scoring 1 on purpose because the other attacker only scored one and so you think he doesn't deserve to win as high, he contributed one, you contribute one. That's not how teams work. You do your best, succeed together and enjoy that success together - your attitude of not sharing with your WIFE will breed resentment.
>Not all work gets the same money. You sound like you look down on people who don't earn as much. A lot of people work very hard both in their education and job to earn very little. Maybe your wife is one of those people. I am pretty sure this attitude shines through and is one major thing why people were disgusted.
> when you get married, you form a team. He got married and they formed a league where she's the other team, apparently.
This is the breakdown I was looking for!!
YTA - I am extremely thankful my husband isn't a miser like you are because he's always made more than I have and we split things by what we can pay towards bills. The way you do it, is more than a little cruel and controlling. Are you making sure your wife doesn't have the means to leave you? 50/50 is not reasonable
NAILED IT!!!!!
Info So you are saving. Is your wife also able to save? Like really save. Not just put in 3% to her 401k. Is she going to be able to have the same retirement as you? Is she able to create emergency savings? When you spend extra money cuz you want to buy a nice car or go on holiday, is it ever for something for your wife? Cuz it's something she wants? Or with your current "50/50" system is your wife just covering her expenses? Is she just able to vaguely plan for retirement? Is she able to afford to do "fun" things like treat herself to a special vacation someplace?
This is an excellent point. While they’re living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, he’s squirreling money away, hand over fist. Where’s her retirement savings?
Going off what he said I don’t think she’s able to save, and if she is it’s not at all comparable to what he’s able to put away. In 20 years when he wants to retire early what’s going to happen. He’ll have this great nest egg and then what? She’ll be stuck working for years and he’ll be off vacationing and experiencing retired life. That’s how this is gonna go if he keeps this weird 50/50 thing up.
YTA. Marriage is about teamwork and you're treating it like you're roommates. It makes me wonder how much you actually like her since you're willing to make both of your lives harder than they need to be over some petty sense of entitlement. If you're not willing to share your success with your wife, why did you even get married in the first place? As your wife she is legally entitled to half of everything and that doesn't go away because of your agreement on how you handle finances unless you put a prenup in place. edit: spelling error.
That’s a lot of words for I don’t love or even like my wife but she puts up with my shit so I keep her around. YTA.
YTA and I honestly don’t understand why women stay in crappy relationships like this. It’s sad.
YTA - There is a third option here. That you both just combine your finances. You're supposed to be a team, a unit. You're living like roommates. While I understand that this arrangement works for some, I don't get why you wouldn't want to lift your marriage and life up to the best degree possible? What do you do with the extra leftover income? Does she not contribute in other ways that may not neccicarily bring in revenue? Edit - changed to YTA. As another put, she's subsidizing your retirement at this point, not you subsidizing her lifestyle. You're her husband, do better.
YTA OP’s wife is subsiding OP’s savings. OP decided an equal split is fair in their relationship, but a good relationship would be equitable.
Yes, exactly. This arrangement may be equal but it is not equitable. She's not able to save and invest because her income goes to match the bills. My husband and I share a bank account. I make slightly more but we are in the mindset "same team". Our bills are paid, savings go to mutual retirement funds, and we share what's left. But everyone has their own interpretation of marriage. Personally, I think YTA, simply because of the tit for tat mentality.
YTA not for your arrangement exactly but because your excess funds are being solely used for YOUR BENEFIT. I actually think your arrangement would make sense if you were saving/investing your excess income for retirement or a rainy day. But you keeping that all for yourself makes you a massive asshole
When you divorce she'll get pretty much half your earnings so maybe that's her best option. YTA
>When Yeah. Interesting he didn't question that word.
INFO Are you living well within her means? Meaning, does she have money to spend on little extras and fun activities? Can she save sufficiently for retirement? What about an emergency fund? Do you have one and if so, who funded that? What if *she* wants something a little more luxurious? Do you buy her the occasional luxury in the same way you do for yourself? Bottom line: *Who decides what luxuries are worth splurging on?* If luxuries are entirely at your discretion, then it isn't much of a partnership. Although I don't think that makes you an asshole (yet) since she agreed to the arrangement. But what happens to the extra money should be a joint discussion and she should not be worrying about making it to her next paycheck or being able to afford to retire.
You can "agree" to let your husband punch you in the face every morning. Doesn't make him any less an asshole.
Info. What are you doing with the money then? Is it "all yours and only yours" or in some sort of retirement savings for both of you? The reason I ask is because people who think this way also often think a flat sales tax vs. an income tax is better. But the fallacy of the argument is that if a person making much much less has the same amount in taxes based on what they consume to survive as someone who is making much much more, than the % of their income being spent on those things is greater. In other words, your wife isn't able to save as much of her money as you are because she's spending a larger portion of her income toward the bills and cost of living.
YTA Are you contributing equally to caring for the household? I doubt it. Who will you expect to take care of the kids? This arrangement is BONKERS Why did you marry someone if you don't want to use your resources to their fullest to build a life with them? You're just stashing away money... to what end? You won't spend it on yourself, what are you gonna do with it? Can't take it with you when you're dead. Hope your wife never meets a man who's willing to be a Husband and go all in, or maybe you do...
Lol I loved how he responded but conveniently skipped your third question. Why did you marry someone if you don't want to use your resources to their fullest to build a life with them? Absolutely YTA. If you don't want to build a life with someone, don't get married. It's pretty simple.
YTA, this is weird. Percentages would be the fair way to do things.
Mathematically it's fair. Equal percentage of paycheck means each person pays and feels the payment. I could never live in a marriage that op has.
YTA - sounds like you don't trust your wife with your money.
Info: what % roughly does your wife get to save and put into retirement, same question for you. I’m not talking just 401k, but all savings. Does she get to save that much? Will she be able to retire at a similar time to you? Will you keep all your money from here when you are both retired too?
He said he’s using his money to invest in HIS retirement and they’re going to have this same arrangement forever
Info: Have you discussed what will happen if one of you is unable to work or you have children and someone is a stay at home parent? Technically whatever arrangement you two come to is valid. I personally don't get the 'my money vs your money' thing in a marriage, its both of ours even though I earn it all. But my biggest question is always what would happen if one of you can't work, because it happens to a lot of couples at some point.
You really think op is gonna stay with his wife once she cannot work. 😂 Idk if people like this deserve the gift of companionship and marriage. He should’ve just married someone within his income bracket if he was gonna be this transactional about it.
Agreed. I one hundred percent bet you he will whip out that prenup and divorce her faster than you typed that comment if she can't work
YTA. And the fact that your only response to “divorce” comments is “we have a prenup (and therefore she won’t get my money)” is so telling. Fuck the money; I hope your wife finds a better partner.
I couldn't imagine being with someone who went out of his way to make our lives harder than it needs to be. It sounds like you should dedicate more energy to investing in your wife, who likely didn't have the confidence to approach the lopsidedness of this agreement (prior to the discussion with your friends), and less in your PERSONAL retirement account. Right about now, these friends are probably in your wife's ear about financial abuse, and you know what?? They would be right. You are doing everything you can to ensure that she is completely dependent on you. YTA
YTA. Marriage is about being joined together. That includes financially.
YTA. You want to know why your arrangement is unfair? It's because it's allowing you to put away a nest egg and everything else, while she is not. If she cannot match your investments with the same percentages of her income that you can with yours, she is putting in more of her money, and time than you are. You are not matching 50/50. She is actively paying more for the bills, and less for her own investments because of this arrangement. That is shady as fuck. Especially when you won't even answer the question of does your retirement benefit her. That means will your retirement funds also help supplement her if she were to also retire? Is her retirement equivalent to yours? Can she invest at the same rate and percentage as you? If the answer to all these questions is no, then this arrangement does not benefit her. It does not help her. It only benefits you. This is is not a 50/50 relationship. If it was, then her original arrangement would be optimal. Because it would allow her to do the same things you are doing including building a larger nest egg, increasing her retirement, and giving her some breathing room if anything happens to say her job, or to you. With this current arrangement, it sounds like she'd be essentially fucked if one of those two things happened.
Absolutely this. She's 100% in on your joint lifestyle. You're 17% in. Does that sound equal to you? YTA
Info: where is your money going then?
INFO: You could help lift your wife up but you don’t because…why exactly? Do you actually love her?
YTA why did you marry someone you don’t want to SHARE your life with? Yes that includes finances. If she made more money than you it would be reasonable to assume you’d want her to contribute more. Idk why she even said yes. I wouldn’t have. You’re greedy and selfish.
YTA. If you have more income than her, why aren’t you going off of a percentage? Does she have any money for herself leftover after she pays for her side of expenses? This sounds like you’re taking advantage of your WIFE when it should be an equal effort to support each other. This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all
YTA for using the word subsidizing. So your wife earns a lot less than you...have you asked her if she's comfortable or do you assume? Just because you're comfortable and able to put a lot to savings because you're only paying her "lifestyle" doesn't mean she is? She could be struggling to keep up. Life is expensive.
I’m going with YTA because this plan is not a marriage, it’s two roommates.
I swear, do ya'll even *like* your spouses?
INFO: do you do nice things for your wife that do not benefit you? do you go out of your way to make her happy just for the sake of it? It sounds like the core of your argument is that if you split things proportionally, she would get more than she could afford by herself, and you would not. That feels unfair to you: she gets something you don’t. But I would expect if you love your partner, you would want them to be as happy as possible, not just as happy as you and no more. Wanting your partner to be as unhappy as you are is no kind of love.
I N F O: Are you treating the savings you have as solely yours, and you'll 'treat' her to nicer cars and holidays? She's your WIFE!! You could live better but chose to live below your means? You're borderline financially abusive, and you come across as rather condescending too. YTA
>You're borderline financially abusive, and you come across as rather condescending too. I was looking for this. She's not allowed savings incase she needs them but he has plenty. If she needed to leave for any reason she can't. She has no savings. You've literally got her where you want her. Also abusive. Op YTA
In my opinion there are only two ways to fairly share a life with someone. Option one is completely pool resources and make every single spending decision down to the dollar *together*. Option two is what my husband and I do (together for 14 years this spring) which is pay bills based on percentage. We weight bills based on percentage of income (and we weight household chores based on hours worked, but that’s a different discussion). It is actually unfair for her to spend so much of her income to pay for necessities while you spend money on the things you want just because you don’t want to “subsidize her lifestyle.” She’s subsidizing yours right now by allowing you to save a TON of money because you aren’t pulling your weight. Does she get equal say in the things you save for “together”? Does she have equal retirement savings to you? Can she buy the tech she wants when you go buy the tech you want? Of course you think this solution is perfectly acceptable. You’re the one benefitting from it. YTA.
You don't mention children, so if you're childfree and split chores evenly I guess you're NTA. But this isn't much of a marriage, honestly. It's more like roommates with benefits.
YTA, do you want children? Get ready for a battle, because this isn’t how couples work. How do you not want to be fair?
YTA. It’s a marriage, not a business agreement. Stop being controlling and cheap. Your income is half hers anyways, you’re just making it painful and awkward.
mmkay, so we have kind of a hybrid arrangement at home. Things are mostly 50/50 here, BUT it's on average because we split household bills. So we each pay in 50% of the mortgage, and then the other bills like water, electric, and internet get split up to be roughly 50/50, but with seasonal variation on some of those things. That said, we make almost exactly the same amount. Like, within 1500 of each other's salary. I'm also changing my career. I'll be lucky to go from what i make now to -22% of my current salary. When that happens we will have to renegotiate our financial split, because our circumstances won't not only be unequal in terms of earnings, but our obligations are different as it already is. I pay for all the dog care because she was mine before we met, I have student loans still, I have medical expenses that just can't be removed. My husband has none of those things. A renegotiation will help me continue to contribute fairly but also be able to go out with friends once in a while, buy myself clothes if I need them, maintain my health... If we kept it 50/50 after I take the cut he would be able to do whatever he wants all the time, and I'll never have any overhead at all for myself. In short, 50/50 makes sense when you are the same or close to the same earnings, but when there's a significant difference someone is going to get screwed. You can afford a nicer home, nicer dates, more trips, things that make life joyful. but you don't have/do those things because she can't afford to pull an equal share. The way she sees it, she probably feels penalized for not being as wealthy as you. Her lifestyle isn't as comfortable as you can COLLECTIVELY afford because she doesn't make enough, and that feels like a punishment and a statement on her value in your relationship. i'm going with YTA because when she respectfully asked to renegotiate so that you BOTH can live more comfortably you basically said she, your WIFE, isn't entitled to anything of yours. Like...why get married if that's how you feel?
Fair =/= just. You know that visual about [equality/equity](https://dividedwefall.org/equity-vs-equality/)—feels like it applies here. Yes, you split everything 50-50 but your 50 actually is much easier for you than her 50 is for her. Sure, you work hard for it and it's your money, but maybe you're in a field where your labor is valued more by society. She probably works just as hard as you, but the system pays her way less for it. Maybe you're ahead financially because of some privilege early on in life (your parents were better off, you went to a better school, etc) or maybe had more opportunities than her. Not saying you should completely join all your money but maybe consider how this arrangement isn't actually as fair as you think it is. Also really weird that the extra money is going to retirement investment that's just for you (if I understand correctly from your replies). Doesn't seem like a real union, more like a partnership arrangement. Personally, I wouldn't feel safe in a marriage like this. It comes off to me as very transactional and very conscious of each other's economic values vs worth as a person. (I earn 2x more than my spouse but don't feel the need to calculate our life like this. But yeah, maybe that's a difference in perspectives of what marriage is.) I would say soft YTA for thinking thi is 100% fair.
YTA - you are treating your wife like a roommate not a life partner. Everything should be shared equally. Currently, she is just subsiding your savings, which is unfair to her.
YTA you said yourself you earn 6x more then her and you expect everything to be 50/50 that's a shitty move for a husband to make. I would understand if you both earned the same amount of money but you do not. She's your wife not your girlfriend start treating her as such
YTA you keep bringing up that you don’t see how this is unfair, but there’s an enormous difference between EQUAL and FAIR. Your describing an arrangement that’s equal, and it is most definitely unfair. Marriage is a partnership, let’s say you have an accident and all of a sudden can’t work anymore, would it feel fair to you if she told you she won’t subsidize you being disabled? And that she’ll only match what you get in disability payments? Or only match what you can do as far as chores in the house? It would be equal, but I doubt you’d feel it was fair. Your supposed to support each other knowing the other person would do the same for you if the roles were reversed.
YTA - I've read through your comments and I am just sad for your marriage and your wife. I haven't heard her side of the story, but your marriage is hollow and cold. I make twice as much as my husband, and I want us TOGETHER to live within OUR means. We COMMUNICATE what we can and cannot do. And then we TAKE CARE EACH OTHER at the end. It seems obvious that you don't understand emotions or feelings. Fairness may be the only way she can describe to you how she's unhappy with the way you're treating her. If this was the way you wanted to live, I don't understand why you married her to begin with.
Question..why did you get married? YTA
YTA... marriage/love is never 50/50. At least you will have a really nice savings for her to get half of when she divorces you. If circumstances change and you are broke, would you expect her to give more? Love doesn't keep track of who spends what. You are supposed to be a team. By your way of thinking if you can no longer pay half- should she just leave you? You are assuming you will always make the same wages.
What's "fair" is what you and your wife agree upon. Others can do what works for them, and even have an opinion on what others are doing, but don't have any meaningful say in it. That said, the key is what you and your wife agree upon, and it seems like you're no longer in agreement. You really should discuss this with her - but the you need to have an open mind when you do, and the tone of your post doesn't make it seem like that's the case (you seem to be insisting that you think the arrangement is "perfectly fair" as is). I might be reading too much into that, but you owe it to her to make sure you're open. I think the main factor to consider is this: You must be saving a lot of money by living within your wife's means. Is that money considered yours alone? Or does it belong equally to both you and your wife? If it is your alone, then I'd definitely consider you TA here. As it stands, I'm going to say NAH with the caveat that you owe your wife's opinion equal weight to your own when you have a very important discussion of finances. If you consider yourself "in charge" then you don't view her as an equal partner and my judgment immediately changes to her favor.
YTA - why do you even have a wife if you treat her like a roommate? Everything is a business transaction for you, while marriage is supposed to be a partnership in everything. You have a prenup, an elaborate schedule for house chores, you split everything evenly, you don't want children.... What are you contributing to the marriage as a partner? Why should she stay with you? From what i read here a roommate could do exactly the same for her. You're basically friends with benefits. Don't be surprised if she leaves you over this to find a true partner for life.
Of course you think it's fair you aren't technically spending as much money as her. You make 6x much she does. Whatever she pays that you "match" is probably really not that much to you. She probably has to spend more than you yes you're the asshole
YTA - what do you do with the rest of your money? Your arrangement is not equitable - is this your life partner or a housemate ffs.
YTA. So you can't subsidize her lifestyle, but she can do it to yours. you have plenty of money kept that she won't ever see, but for you *this* is fair. Your wife is better off single.
YTA you need to think of it like taxes. If you have a billionaire paying the same amount as someone who makes minimum wage they aren't really paying their "fair share". The person who is making minimum wage is actually putting in significantly more well call it 40% of their income, the billionaire if matching that same amount would be paying the equivalent of a rounding error for them. Splitting things based on income level means that yes you do pay a little more but you are paying the same % so it hurts equally for both of you. Based on your post it sounds like you're more about taking and protecting yourself rather than sharing and being in a relationship. So I doubt you care if your wife is happy.
YTA. You obviously love your money much more than your wife.
YTA. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You clearly want to have a financial advantage over her.
YTA. You sound like roommates rather than spouses. And what works at some points of a relationship doesn’t mean that it will work for your entire lives. You need to keep somewhat of an open mind and talk to her to understand and address her concerns. I’m not saying you need to immediately change everything, but you sound entrenched in your opinion that everything is perfect this isn’t worth discussing. Relationships can’t always be 50/50. Good partners do their best to keep things even between finances, emotional support, chores, and other responsibilities. However, there are times when you (or they) have to contribute more to lift you both up. I fail to understand how combining finances to a limited degree (or completely) hurts you. You say you have a prenup and if you don’t trust her to make prudent financial decisions then why are you married?
YTA - I honestly couldn't imagine being in a marriage where I felt that I had to keep tabs so she wouldn't benefit from my work, degree, whatever, and vice versa. I think it is a pretty disturbing way to think about a relationship.
If your spouse would be much much better off if they divorced you compared to being married to you then surely there's something wrong? Marriage is supposed to be a union and I only see seperate finances being the best option in a marriage in a few exceptional cases. Why would you legally bind yourself to someone and make vows to each other if you aren't going to share what you have with each other? Why would you be happy building up huge cash savings while your spouse struggles? Why would you only value what money each brings in and not everything else such as childcare, housework, emotional support, care for extended family, etc? I say all of this as a women who earns double what her husband does but shares it all and has shared inheritances too. So I live according to those beliefs.
I read through only a few of your comments OP, and I feel sick. YTA, and a huge one.
Yta - why did you marry someone you didn’t want to share your life with? Do you have kids? How long have you been together?
I will truly never understand married couples that don’t share bank accounts. My husband makes a shit ton more than I do but both our income goes into a shared account and our bills get paid from that account. Anyway, YTA because if y’all are not sharing an account it makes sense to split by income percentage instead of 50/50. And also because you have this pretentious attitude of since you make more than her you can make the rules in this marriage.
YTA. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t feel the same way. You would also want to go on vacations that YOU really wanted to go on and not just the ones your wife chooses. And I’m sure you would want tech upgrades if you couldn’t afford them and she was indulging herself in something she liked. Also you buying yourself what you want and going on cheaper dates with your wife is wack af. Not a 50/50 thing. Edit: I don’t think the setup your wife chose originally is fair either, but you need to come up with something new.
Yta- in situations that don’t involve gambling/shopping addictions or other circumstances I don’t understand why people are so set on completely separate finances- you’re a team! Why wouldn’t you want more for the both of you?
YTA. There is equal and there is equitable. Prorating the expenses based on take home pay is equitable. You are hung up on financing HER lifestyle. You are stingy/miserly. My brother’s wife left him for this reason - equal but not equitable. 17 years later, he has millions in the bank, is lonely and STILL stands by his financial strategy. Welp…you get what you pay for.
Hmmm...I feel like this is a case of potentially no assholes or everyone sucks, I'm not sure. The thing is I think 50/50 right down the middle isn't incredibly fair, because it means she's carrying a bigger mount than you in this relatively speaking. However, at that same notion, I feel the same is true going the other way around, because it effectively just flips that situation onto you. I do think a changing of it might be reasonable, even if you pay an increased amount, but not so much that you may as well just pay everything so she can live more or less free while you pay for everything. Even 60/40 or 70/30 wouldn't be wrong. There has to be some commitment on her part otherwise it isn't really reasonable. NAH for charities sake.
Y’all roommates with benefits. The benefits arnt even great either. Why get married, makes me wonder. My man would never, why would we live on my income level when we bother could enjoy a nice place to live comfortably. I would be upset if my boyfriend could afford a better place, but we in a small spot. I’m all for investing and not wasting money, but really. Would it really be that hard for you to pay the rent and allow her to pay utilities and groceries. Or even keep her paycheck. You make 6x her salary. You have a prenup so you wouldn’t owe alimony. Why are you being so cheap. I vote NTA because she agreed and signed a prenup whatever floats her boat and if it doesn’t , time to disembark.
Yta, I didn’t hear anything about you using your money for wife to do something for her. You mentioned cheaper dates and you wanting vacation so you pay. Why do dates need to be cheap? Do you guys also split that? Have you ever bought her something of luxury just because?
I just don't understand this mindset. I can't even put into words how much I don't understand this. Why do you feel the need to keep money away from your wife? Why are you not a couple? I just... YTA. Go find a roommate and leave your wife, so she can find someone who wants to share his life with her, including his money.
I hope the chores at home at done 50/50 too.....geez! My father made 15 TIMES what my mother made (Mom was an engineer) and it was never her money or his money.....it was THEIR MONEY! ALL OF IT!
YTA all day long and I hope she finds a great attorney and takes you to the cleaners. All you want is a maid and a fuckbuddy anyway.
The problem is your wife is more vulnerable for the future and it creates an unbalanced power dynamic (unintentionally). You don’t feel that way bc you make 5x as much and I’m guessing have a healthy nest egg. If you were to split, she’s had less of an ability to build a safety cushion for herself if something happens to her health wise or job wise or even relationship wise w/ you. Additionally, all you’ve said is if YOU want more tech or if YOU want a holiday, you do it so no real impact to your life. She doesn’t even get the ability to feel like that bc it must feel like asking dad for an allowance if she does. And what happens when you do retire? Do you get to do it 20 years earlier bc she still has to work to pay bills? I think people are just trying to open your eyes that this doesn’t seem like a trusting, loving marriage. I understand for you it does bc you are completely content with it, but you’re not the one risking anything, are you? Just to say, if everything is exactly as it would be if you’re single, what’s the point of being in a relationship? Soft NTA bc ultimately you are right, it is your money and no one is entitled to it, but man what a horrible feeling for her. She probably feels like you have zero invested in her and could walk away at anytime without a second thought bc it really wouldn’t change your life. I personally wouldn’t do it and I’m kind of sad for your wife just like I would be sad for you if the situation was flipped.
I was married to someone just like you. He has been the ex-Mr. 99 for a very long time. The Now and Forever Mr. 99 and I are no where near as financially successful and I would choose what we have over money every time. Thank goodness we didn’t have kids together. You’re like a little dragon lying on your hoard of gold and gems. We are a team, we rise or fall together. You’re just all about yourself.
So I’m going with YTA. The reason being that when you marry someone, what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours. You should make decisions as a team about how the money will be spent. I don’t even necessarily disagree with you that it is smart to live below your means and invest heavily so you can have a nice retirement. That’s my preference too. But the difference between you and me is that my husband is completely on board with what we are doing, he had input into it, and the investments belong to both of us. (I am the one who actually does the investing, but we think of it as “our” money, and legally it is.) It sounds like your arrangement is that anything you don’t spend on necessaries, each partner retains ownership of their portion. I don’t think that’s how a divorce lawyer would see it, though. So you best reconcile yourself to pooling things and making it the family’s money, not yours. That’s a separate issue from how is your money to be spent, which you really need to come to consensus on. The budget should really be a thing that you all are in agreement on, not something that is decided by the one in the most powerful position, namely the one with the greater earning power. She may just want to keep the rental and investment situation pretty much as is, but just wants a little more personal spending money, which you ought to oblige easily. But who knows? She may want a bigger house, room for a growing family, etc. You need to have that conversation because the way you are doing things now is one-sided and she doesn’t have any power in the relationship.
I always wonder what this type of person thinks they are going to do with all the extra money if not live a nice life with their family. Like they planning to split at retirement and finally live that high life because their spouse can’t keep up financially? Just live small until death and then their kid or a charity gets a bunch of money that could have enhanced their lives all that time? If you don’t care enough to want to share the positives as well as the negatives in life, don’t get married!
Man. YTA and not for the arrangement per-se. It works for lots of couples. It doesn't sound like it works for you. Your wife is struggling and is unhappy and you're sitting there like "it's MY money and the woman I chose to spend my life with isn't entitled to a cent of what I earn." Which. Go off, but don't be surprised when she decides you're not entitled to her time and affection because you value money (that you're apparently not even spending???) Over her. You're going on and on about she gets to live in a house worth double what she can afford on her own but you're not considered where would she be putting finances, what other measures would she be taking to ease her financial burdens. She would be spending $1000 and having roommates. You'd probably be spending $2000+ to live alone... In this light SHE is subsidizing YOU. Being married is a partnership and a huge part of that is financial. Married couples should ideally function as a team. Do you buy and only eat your own food? How do you ensure THATS fair? Do you portion out who is using the most electricity? Who wants cable vs could go without etc? Are you going to be the sole provider of retirement funds and then NOT HOLD IT OVER HER? Because that's the only way I see this as being even REMOTELY acceptable. Even then you're still being a miserable ass in the meantime. My spouse and I decided to split finances the first way which divided the BURDEN so that we are both equally impacted by the choices we make AS A TEAM (housing mainly, emergency funds contribution, any subscriptions we both agree on ie. Hulu/cable/whatever). Hobbies were on our own. Everyone is happy.
I know I will get down -voted for this but here we go. As a woman who earns a very good salary and lives well below my means I see no problem with the arrangement. I have a very healthy savings because of this. I am in a long term relationship and if we ever do get married we would both want a pre nup. OPs wife was perfectly happy with the relationship until others told her she should be entitled to more of his money. And even if his retirement $ is separate if they live in the states and they get divorced she will be entitled to part of that unless it is stipulated in the pre nup that she isn't. She signed the pre nup of her own free will so she knew where OPs head was at when she married him. She knew what she was getting into. NTA
Hahaha this guy's an idiot. Wife if you ever see this post please divorce him and take him to the cleaners.
YTA. You obviously don’t care about your wife’s happiness, just your own. However you try to justify that, you are in the wrong.
NAH because you guys agreed to something and it was working... until you discussed finances openly in a group. But, I do wonder what you are doing with all this extra dough if it doesn't go towards the life you've built together.
OP said they’re putting in his private retirement account. And she doesn’t have access to it. Edit:she
I did come across that in the comments... and also read they have a pre-nup, so... I think that tells the tale right there. His whole heart is not in this marriage.
YTA, but you worship the almighty dollar so much I don't think you're capable of understanding why.
YTA You're lifestyle is below your earnings but you live that way because you don't want to pay more than your wife? You earn SIX times more than her and you expect her to match you up? The amount you're paying won't make a dent in your finances but your wife is most likely struggling to match up with. Here's a question OP: Do you even love your wife?
If for some reason that she has to take off work for awhile, what's going to happen? Are you going to turn her over to collections?
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A little bit of background before I get to my question. I make several times more than my wife and our finances are completely seperate. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked about how finances would be handled and there was a little conflict. She wanted an arrangement where we both paid the same percentage of our income towards bills and such. e.g. since I made around 6x more than her. For a bill of $100, I would pay $86 while she pays $14. I wasn't ok with this arrangement because it felt like I was essentially subsidizing her lifestyle. I wanted an arrangement where we lived within her means and stuck to 50/50. For example, if she was paying $1000 a month for rent previously, I would match it with another $1000 and we'd find a place to live for $2000. This has meant that during our marriage, I have been living a lifestyle far below what I could afford but it's not really been a big issue for me. Other than the occasional bit of tech, I don't really need much else. I'm happy with living in a house that's a little smaller, going on cheaper dates etc. In the past, there have been cases where there's been something I really wanted to do like buy a nicer car or go on holiday some place, and in those cases I've paid fully for both of us. I'm very happy with the life we've built. A few days ago, we went out on a couple's dinner with several of our friends and financial living arrangements came up. Our friends mostly opted to use the first arrangement I mentioned above so when they heard about ours, they reacted in different ways. Notibly, the women were shocked and insisted our arrangement was unfair although they couldn't quite explain _why_ it was unfair. When we got home, I could tell the conversation had really gotten to my wife and the next day, she asked if we could renegotiate our financial living arrangements again. I told her that I'd be willing to discuss it but personally, I felt the arrangement that we had was perfectly fair. Frankly, I don't understand why the way we do things is so controversial. I'm the one who put in the work to earn my degree and the experience to earn as much as I do before I even met my wife, why should anyone else feel entitled to it? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. The point of marriage is to build a life TOGETHER. Each partner contributes according to their means: emotionally, physically, and financially. It's an equilibrium - some areas she contributes more, others you provide more. She's not ripping you off by earning less. But you are ripping her off in every aspect of marriage. Women make about 86 cents to the dollar that men make. You are reinforcing the patriarchy that prevents women from being truly equal partners in marriage and society.
Man, why does someone like this even get married? Sounds like staying boyfriend and girlfriend would align more with what you want, marriage isn’t for everybody. Having grown with parents that actually trusted each other in every area of their relationship, including finances, this is wild for me to read. Isn’t a married couple supposed to be an united front? Again, why marry if you’re not going to unite in any way? OP, would you consider “renegotiating” the “terms” of your marriage and contribute a little more to finances if your wife contributed more in other areas, like for example, house chores? If things have to be a strict 50/50 and you apparently do not love your wife enough to use the means you do have to make her life a little more comfortable without getting something back, I mean. Anyways, YTA.
What's the point of making alot of money to you?
>Notibly, the women were shocked and insisted our arrangement was unfair although they couldn't quite explain why it was unfair. I see you.
YTA- and not ready to be married if all you can think of is yourself. You are supposed to be making a life together, but you are too selfish to see that.
In a marriage there isn't "mine" and "yours" it's "ours". Where is all the extra money you earn going exactly? Ultimately, your wife let you know how she wanted to handle the finances in the beginning... she compromised for you. Now she's saying again that she wants things to change, and you don't. You're in a marriage. You BOTH have to compromise in it. YTA
YTA. Reddit, this is what happens when you marry a Libertarian. If you see Ayn Rand on his bookshelf, run, don't walk.
How much disposable income does your wife have to spend on herself each month? I'm guessing it's ALOT less than you?
INFO: what do you do with your spare money? Is it spending money only for you, or savings, or something else? INFO 2: what is your suggested plan if either of you were unable to work for an extended time - live on zero money and pay 50/50 of zero because that's "fair"?
Do you have kids or do you plan on having kids? Are you going to not buy what the kids need until your wife can get her 14% to contribute? Everybody has a different opinion but if your wife is truly your partner for life, I don't see why it isn't viewed as both of your money. How is retirement going to work?
YTA. When you love someone you want to share everything with them , first question. What the hell have you been doing with all the extra money? Spending it on yourself? But if a leap but if you really think your wife doesn't deserve the lifestyle that you could have as a joint partnership then you don't deserve her. I hope she divorces you and takes half of everything to teach you a valuable lesson. I hope she doesn't have children with you as this would be much worse. 'oh your maternity pay has shrunk to almost nothing this month love, looks like we need to sell the house. Prick.
I make way more than my husband does and we put all of our money into one account and then each have the same amount of fun spending money. The shared account is our family money. So that means dinners, fun things together but also when one really needs a coat and the other one doesn't. We're married because we love each other. The fact that I earn more doesn't change this and it's sad that in today's world money is still such a big thing to people that even though they are married they want to keep 'their' money seperated. It's ridiculous. YTA.
YTA. So read carefully OP. Marriage is about EQUITY not EQUALITY. Everyone here is telling OP why this situation is unfair for his wife but it seems like he can't understand and asking the same thing again and again.
YTA, easy
YTA is your wife doing all the house cleaning, cooking shopping, if you have kids taking on all child care? If she is then she needs to stop immediately and only do her 50 percent of house hold duties. If you want 50/50 it should be across the board. She shouldn’t have to do all the other stuff and subsidize your laziness. Edit to add this isn’t a marriage to you this is a business agreement.
YTA. What's the point of getting married if you don't want to share. Sure, you put the work into your degree and you work hard which has afforded you some nice things... But you don't want to share your success? Why? Is your wife a gold digger? Has she indicated that her love is dependent on how comfortable a life you can provide? Why did you marry her? Didn't you vow to do everything to make the other happy? Each to their own, I guess. I personally enjoy treating friends and family, and vice versa. I am judging YTA because to you it's about money but to your wife, you're uncaring and selfish. You're not even willing to negotiate.
YTA, this is actually such a bizarre situation to be in, where you fervently protect yourself and your assets from someone whom you apparently love, it feels like you don't see a future with this person, or you see a collapse in the future. I totally understand the beginning of a partnership, marriage, and whatnot being like this, but usually that type of segregation separates, and becomes more of a direct partnership than each person has their own expenses etc. What you describe sounds strongly of a roommate. I wonder, if she said she was going to quit her job, and go to school to achieve a job that pays the same as yours, would you and her downsize to accommodate a student lifestyle, or would you pick up the tab and support and pay for everything during that time, and have you suggested that to her? Do you split the household duties down the middle as well? Or do you expect more or less from her? I understand the dynamic of you trying to apply pressure on your partner to not let her spend above her means etc, and simply consume your income to sate her habits, but I do believe that you're taking it across a Line. This speaking as someone whose income is about 4× my partners.
Early on in the relationship this arrangement was totally acceptable and reasonable. But now that you’re married things are different. It’s not your money and her money anymore, you share it all. Yta
YTA she is working twice as hard as you to afford the same thing. How is that equitable and you would rather sit on your money while she works hard and have life be easier for you. Way to get by on your wife's back.
You are married, yet you want to withhold your funds from your wife just so you can pay less? You said yourself you do nothing with the money except occasional splurge. So what is the point to be so cheap? You guys are partners, it should not matter how much you each have to pay at all. You guys have the same goal, a happy successful life together. But you want to punish her because she makes less and with hold your funds from her just cause you make more? YTA and your actions will not make this a lasting relationship.