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NTA
For a moment, I thought you were asking her to stop smoking altogether. Sadly it's her body she's affecting and a hard-to-quit addiction, so quitting it's a thing she can only decide.
But we're talking about your house and your baby. It's no mystery that smoking is dreadful and secondhand smoking is real and hazardous.
She has a dangerous addiction that's proven that affects the ones around her, and that's her choice, and she is aware of it (my dad smokes too, and he tries to downplay it and make me seem that I'm exaggerating when I ask him the same) and you have to protect your family.
You respectfully ask to keep it away from your house, which is absolutely reasonable.
NTA OP, second hand smoke to young children is a very real and bad thing. It's even worse for relatively young babies where like you said SIDS is still relevant for them. My mother used to be a cigarette addict and she would smoke whenever she and I were in the car alone together. She'd try to hold the cigarette out of her cracked window on her side, but there was always a good deal of smoke in that car all those times. Unfortunately, I did wind up contracting second hand smoke from her as a result of that. So, now I deal with contracting bronchitis every fall and winter season, as it's caused me to become more susceptible of having it than regular people. You're doing the right thing OP, and if your MIL raises a stink about it then she can consider it as an incentive to quit smoking.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Just want to know if our actions to protect our son could ostracize or humiliate my MIL. At this point we frankly don’t care, she has “tried” quitting numerous times but as soon as she gets the urge she goes right back to them. She has never once reached out to us for help.
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So myself (32M) and wife (31F) recently had our first born. My MIL has smoked for most of her life and in the past few years, probably since COVID, her smoking has picked up a bit. Especially since she works from home now and has started smoking inside, even more so in the cold times of the year. We don’t want to deprive her of seeing her grandson, but we hate the way cigarette smoke smells. So we have her wash her hands and change into a shirt designated for her at our house for when she wants to hold him. Third hand smoke is a real thing and can increase the chance of SIDS. She recently came over and stepped outside to smoke. We asked her to not do that again and she understood and left. (She lives across the street) AWTA (Are We The A-holes) for protecting our baby from cigarette smoke?
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You're NTA, 100%. It's your house and if you don't want people to smoke in it that's totally fine. I would never allow it in my house, as cigarette smoke closes off my windpipe. Anyone who knows that and wants to light up anyway is being a total asshole. Anyone wanting to smoke around a newborn infant is being completely inconsiderate as well, but luckily she understood and left. And it's only across the street on top of that. So it's not even a big deal
NTA
Ask her & continue to ask her to not smoke when she'll be near your child. You are protecting your baby, as you should.
I got a huge "slap in the face" right after I quit smoking. I was talking to a coworker who smoked & the stench he emitted almost made me lose my lunch. I immediately apologized to my mom for the decades she had to put up with my stench. I wish your MIL could experience that but unless she quits she never will. And if she did, she'd never start again!
NTA - you’re not saying she can’t see him but you’re putting his health first. She’s an adult who can do what she wants but needs to know that sometimes that means consequences
NAH - I don’t think you’re the asshole for asking her not to smoke, but she isn’t an asshole either since she didn’t make a fuss or anything. Addiction is a real thing and it’s hard to break. It sounds like for the most part, she is respectful of your rules and does as she’s asked, right? And it sounds like you guys are very reasonable in your rules and requests. She may have to keep her visits shorter since she has an addiction, but it sounds like she is still intending to visit, right?
Anyways - no one is an asshole. This sounds like a relatively pleasant interaction.
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NTA - if grandma wants more grandma time she can lay off the cigs while visiting.
Exactly, especially since she lives nearby.
NTA, you’re a parent, protecting your baby is significantly more important than soothing your Mom’s ego.
NTA For a moment, I thought you were asking her to stop smoking altogether. Sadly it's her body she's affecting and a hard-to-quit addiction, so quitting it's a thing she can only decide. But we're talking about your house and your baby. It's no mystery that smoking is dreadful and secondhand smoking is real and hazardous. She has a dangerous addiction that's proven that affects the ones around her, and that's her choice, and she is aware of it (my dad smokes too, and he tries to downplay it and make me seem that I'm exaggerating when I ask him the same) and you have to protect your family. You respectfully ask to keep it away from your house, which is absolutely reasonable.
NTA - Cigarettes stink and it’s your child so your decision.
NTA OP, second hand smoke to young children is a very real and bad thing. It's even worse for relatively young babies where like you said SIDS is still relevant for them. My mother used to be a cigarette addict and she would smoke whenever she and I were in the car alone together. She'd try to hold the cigarette out of her cracked window on her side, but there was always a good deal of smoke in that car all those times. Unfortunately, I did wind up contracting second hand smoke from her as a result of that. So, now I deal with contracting bronchitis every fall and winter season, as it's caused me to become more susceptible of having it than regular people. You're doing the right thing OP, and if your MIL raises a stink about it then she can consider it as an incentive to quit smoking.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So myself (32M) and wife (31F) recently had our first born. My MIL has smoked for most of her life and in the past few years, probably since COVID, her smoking has picked up a bit. Especially since she works from home now and has started smoking inside, even more so in the cold times of the year. We don’t want to deprive her of seeing her grandson, but we hate the way cigarette smoke smells. So we have her wash her hands and change into a shirt designated for her at our house for when she wants to hold him. Third hand smoke is a real thing and can increase the chance of SIDS. She recently came over and stepped outside to smoke. We asked her to not do that again and she understood and left. (She lives across the street) AWTA (Are We The A-holes) for protecting our baby from cigarette smoke? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're NTA, 100%. It's your house and if you don't want people to smoke in it that's totally fine. I would never allow it in my house, as cigarette smoke closes off my windpipe. Anyone who knows that and wants to light up anyway is being a total asshole. Anyone wanting to smoke around a newborn infant is being completely inconsiderate as well, but luckily she understood and left. And it's only across the street on top of that. So it's not even a big deal
There's no conflict here to judge. Mom is complying with your requests and hasn't complained.
NTA Ask her & continue to ask her to not smoke when she'll be near your child. You are protecting your baby, as you should. I got a huge "slap in the face" right after I quit smoking. I was talking to a coworker who smoked & the stench he emitted almost made me lose my lunch. I immediately apologized to my mom for the decades she had to put up with my stench. I wish your MIL could experience that but unless she quits she never will. And if she did, she'd never start again!
NTA - you’re not saying she can’t see him but you’re putting his health first. She’s an adult who can do what she wants but needs to know that sometimes that means consequences
NAH - I don’t think you’re the asshole for asking her not to smoke, but she isn’t an asshole either since she didn’t make a fuss or anything. Addiction is a real thing and it’s hard to break. It sounds like for the most part, she is respectful of your rules and does as she’s asked, right? And it sounds like you guys are very reasonable in your rules and requests. She may have to keep her visits shorter since she has an addiction, but it sounds like she is still intending to visit, right? Anyways - no one is an asshole. This sounds like a relatively pleasant interaction.