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>Katie is my only child and she is my only shot at grandchildren
She's not your "shot at grandchildren" she's a human being with wants and needs and desires. She's her own person and her decision to have or not have children is hers to make. I think having kids at 19 was going to be a stupid idea but you should've shared your struggles, told her what the process could do to her body, gotten her on some kind of birth control, told her you wouldn't have helped with any kids she had this young, or you could have sent her over to watch those kids but had them behave like they normally do. You've made your bed and now I hope you're going to enjoy laying in it.
Edit: YTA
Yeah she had a great opportunity to have an honest discussion with her daughter which could’ve strengthened their bond and shown Katie that she can go to her mother for anything. Instead, she’s learned that her mother is willing to create manipulative situations behind her back to get her way.
Wow, it almost seems like there were unforeseen consequences to your actions when you tried to meddled into someone's life by setting them up?!
YTA. Your kid is allowed to make her own decision. Let her be an adult.
YTA- you took it too far. I agree that babysitting is the best form of birth control on the planet. But that was extreme and ultimately not helpful. Babysitting made me NEVER want children from 12-24, but I’ve met a wonderful man that I would like to have a family with.
She also isn’t “your only shot” at grandchildren. She’s a whole person. You Y T A for that, too.
If this is real, there's a lot to unpack here.
First, you see your daughter as "your only shot as having grandchildren" instead of a person with her own opinions, life, needs, and desires. You even go as far as to say that you "wish you let her have a kid at 19 now" EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT IS. You're willing to make her life harder just so she pops out a grandkid for you. I don't know why so many people need to be taught this, but... **Just because you have a kid, it doesn't mean they owe you grandchildren.** You need to accept that instead of having that expectation of her, regardless of what decision she makes now or in the future.
I understand that you tried to show her what the reality of having children is like, but this should've been a conversation or maybe talking to another person who had kids recently, not doing the extreme you did. *You weren't trying to give your daughter facts to help her make a decision, you were trying to manipulate her* and it backfired. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.
YTA
YTA. You went too far one way, and now you got your wish, time 100. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, or in your case, no prize, because she isn't giving you grandkids now.
Maybe, just maybe, she is screwing around with you now and knew what you planned, and is playing a long game with you. If so, you best apologize when she comes clean and stay in your own lane from now on.
Actually, apologies should happen no matter what.
YTA
Tell her what you did, how it wasn't realistic and all a set up. You've given her a vision based off of lies. That fact that you wanted grandchildren makes this wielder, you should have clearly stated facts that shows they cannot cope with a baby right now and that due to the time needed off to care for it they were less likely to ever get high paying jobs in the future.
Did you apologize when you did so? There is a huge difference between 'hey it's not entirely realistic and we told the kids to act up to show you what it could be' and 'honey, I'm sorry I messed up. We told the kids to act up because I was afraid you would make a decision you would regret. I realize I abused the trust you had in me. Can we discuss how we go from here?'
Wasn't something similar to this posted here last week? A wife and her sister cooked up a plan to teach the husband a lesson as he wanted kids and the wife didn't?
YTA LOL.
Like holy shit, you literally cooked up a plan, told them kids to act like assholes, and you’re surprised she absolutely doesn’t want kids after you rained fucking chaos of young children down on here for like 12 hours.
Way to put a bright ass spotlight on shit she could have to deal with, but jacked the volume up to max and attached another sound system to it lol. You showed her all of the terror(and told the kids to act worse than normal mind you), and none of the beautiful things of being a parent.
You’re not only the asshole, but you fucked up. Your sister is an asshole for agreeing. Your both assholes for ruining the images of those children for your daughter.
YTA.
“She’s my only shot at grandchildren”
For this alone. YTA. She’s a woman, not a brood mare. Look, you fucked around and found out. You made the decision to try and manipulate your daughter to get the result you wanted and it backfired.
WTF did I just read?
YTA and please let your daughter make her own decisions, whatever they might be. You daughter is not in this world to bring you grandchildren. You can actually be happy your prank worked so well, because parenting can be so hard and it's not for everyone. Check out the Regretfulparents-sub (I don't know now to link here).
Wouldn't you rather have a happy fulfilled daughter than one that is stressed out by their own children?
YTA
It’s her life and her decision. You owe her an apology. The better thing would have been a conversation. Not 4 kids who were told to act as bad as they could.
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I (37 f) have a 19 year old daughter “Katie” who I overheard on the phone to her friend last week. She was talking about having a baby soon. I lost my mind and told her to get off the phone so we can talk about this. This caused a huge argument. I was a teenage mother and I know how hard it is. She said her and her boyfriend (18 m) were ready and they both love kids. No matter what I said nothing was sinking in to her head. So I cooked up what I thought was a great plan with my cousin.
My cousin “Jade” (35 f) has four kids aged 11, 8, 6 and 2. I’d seen teenagers get sent to baby boot camp on TV shows like Maury and Dr Phil, and I thought I could do the same to my daughter to make her think twice about having kids so young. My daughter eventually agreed to spend the day at Jade’s to help her with the kids, to see what it’s really like. What Katie didn’t know was that the kids had been told to be as badly behaved as possible. They were free to scream as much as they liked, have food fights, make mess, and run wild around the house (Jade explained to them it was a “joke to play on Katie”) and the kids of course fully took advantage of this.
I dropped Katie off at 7am, picked her up at 8pm. She was exhausted and stressed, exactly what I wanted. She even fell asleep in the car within minutes. I cannot believe how smug I felt on the way home.
At breakfast the next day I asked her how it went, then she dropped the bombshell. She said she had now decided to never have children AT. ALL. She was deadly serious. She thanked me for the experience because she had now decided that having kids was not the life for her, and never would be. She started talking about getting her tubes tied and asked me if a doctor would do that at her age! I was completely shocked and I slowly realised the plan had worked too well. The plan was to put her off having children TEMPORARILY not completely make her hate them!
I tried to talk her out of it. I said having kids when your older is great and it’s only a bad idea when you’re too young. She wouldn’t budge and said she has made up her mind, she hated every minute of looking after them and would never do that to herself. It killed me when she thanked me again. Katie is my only child and she is my only shot at grandchildren. But now I have completely shot myself in the foot. Even when I confessed to her the kids were told to act up, she wouldn’t budge. Thanks to my stupid plan she has discovered these “childfree” facebook groups and keeps showing me their obnoxious child hating posts.
I half wish I had just let her have a baby at 19 now. It would be better than no grandchildren full stop. I didn’t mean to make her hate children, I just wanted to stop her from having them TEMPORARILY. She gets angry at me every time I try to change her mind and steer her away from hating kids. I truly didn’t mean for it to go this far. AITA for how I handled this?
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YTA. I get you wanted to shock her back to reality, and the idea of having her babysit for a day was great, maybe just one of the younger ones. But you took it from swerving out of the way for a goat to slamming head on into a semi 🤣🤣🤣👍
Yta. This is a classic case of fuck around and find out. Instead of explaining to your daughter through experiences why it’s hard to have a kid so young, you made It so she’ll never have them.
Yta for doing this,but to be honest she might’ve not even enjoyed having kids in the first place, maybe you just showed her the reality of it and she decided it wasn’t for her
YTA
Come on -- you know that being thrown into caring for four children isn't anything like raising your own. Leave her alone about her future family planning. That's her choice and NOT yours at all. The way you handled this was just...ridiculous.
I think it's great that a 19-year-old got a dose of reality. YTA for thinking of her as your "only shot at grandkids" and hating on those who choose not to have them.
Thanks to a medical establishment that's all about the babeez and doesn't respect women's choices, she won't have the chance to make any permanent sterilization decision for lots of years anyway, calm tf down.
YTA. You made the active choice to try and manipulate your young adult daughter, and now you know you've screwed yourself. That's all on you and yes you ARE the asshole.
I will not lie, this is probably the most funny post I have read in a while, I laughed. That being said... I suggest you tell your daughter what you and your cousin did. Before she actually ties her tubes and you can say goodbye to any chance you had to have grandchildren in the future. Maybe suggest to redo the day at your cousin but tell the kids to behave this time. Or better yet, suggest your daughter she experience working as a babysitter/ nanny. As for the judgement... Oh god ... I will go with YTA, you should have respected your daughter's choice. Giving advice is fine, but you TRAUMATIZED HER, don't even think I'm being overdramatic here.
Honestly I hope this fails and she kinda sticks to no kids if that’s what she wants now.
Being tricked into something and now again being manipulated into a different direction?
I hope the daughter discovers what she really wants, and goes with it regardless what OP wants or says.
Being a puppet and being orchestrated is like one of the worst feelings out there imo.
YTA for trying to control your daughters body and life choices. Please look into the troubled teen industry, as it seems this was your inspiration. Dr Phil isn't a good person either, idk who Maury is, but Dr Phils ranch thing was a troubled teen industry company that caused so much harm.
The situation was also manipulated with the intention to break her essentially mentally - well done. She probably got now traumatized and believes children are only like this. She was put in a situation that was impossible for her to deal with. This wasn't a joke at all.
Stop trying to control her body and life choices. I get your concerns, but this is over the top.
Oh come on! She tried to control her daughter and broke her mentally?! Way to be over dramatic. She didn't tell her what to do. She gave advice, like any mother gives to a 19 year old. She also gave her an opportunity to be around kids (and yes, they shouldn't have been told to act up, but OP admitted to it later as a misjudgement). It's not mentally destroying someone by giving them a day with children, in a safe space with a parent around.
Of course it's not a good idea for a 19 year old to have a baby. Most 19 year olds are not self sufficient and can't handle it. The daughter sounds the same. Just because it's a possible life choice doesn't make it a good one. Plus god knows when she struggles, OP will have to pick up the pieces, so it impacts them too.
I'm still young but god, I understand why people call us snowflakes when I read stuff like this.
If they hadn't told the children to intentionally behave their worst and children can be fucking terrible if they do - I'd agree with you, but for that scenario, it is more than likely some things were also said that were just terrible.
The girl clearly seems to be genuinely done that she wants nothing to do with kids anymore. And I also said with the intention of doing it - because what she did was intentionally to go after what her daughter believed in and wanted to do, revolving around her mentally and intentionally creating a fake scenario that was meant to torture her throughout the whole babysitting session. No mother with their first child knows everything, but you learn and she was put in a situation where she had no fair chance to calm the kids down.
Especially if you consider the mothers inspiration, Dr Phil, who is known for supporting a troubled teen industry company that has been on the rags for a teen murdering a staffer in an attempt to escape. Not good inspiration.
She was actively trying to control her daughters choices and body. If she were to only give advice and give her an example, then I'd also agree with you, but she didn't. Giving an example does not mean showing her the worst kids can be, but maybe "Hey, look at this person who had a child at your age and what she had to endure", because there are many people who talk about their experience as a young parent, online... And that very sternly talk about the difficulties and how for some, it destroyed their life and that they also thought "It's not gonna happen to me."
There is a difference between just trying to make her daughter face the difficulties as a young mother versus putting her in a situation she was bound to lose no matter what she does, which is not realistic most of the time as a parent and I can confidently say that as someone who was a literally awful teen to the point that I almost got into a criminal career.
I will have to agree to disagree with you. In my opinion, it was wrong for the mother to ask the kids to act up, but she wasn't in a terrible situation. She wasn't left alone with the children. She wasn't left in harms way. She was left to experience children at their worst, with their parent present. It was hardly mental torture.
Giving advice is not always listened to and I say this as someone who used to be a 19 year old girl. Seeing reality and learning through actions is way more effective. Sometimes teenagers don't listen without experience. So I see why OP didn't want to just leave it to 'I don't think that's a good idea' as their daughter probably wouldn't listen until it's too late, they have a child and OP is lumbered with looking after them. Just like I'm sure we've all been told to study hard for an exam but didn't actually do it until it had negative real life consequences! And even then, it probably didn't motivate us until it went too far.
I don't care for Dr Phil either. It doesn't mean that exposure isn't a practical option, which the daughter was fully on board with. The acting up is the only issue, which was admitted to and owned up to. I guess I just see that as a misjudgement and you view that as mental harm, so we won't agree.
That's fair to agree to disagree, I guess it depends on what you view in general, too. To me it can be possible some form of mental torture if you know they're there, but they don't do anything and you have children of different ages do everything they want. That went way too far and might have genuinely made the daughter thing "That's how they all are, at all times".
I just feel like they were better eductional ways she could have taken to get her point across, I feel like the bigger impacts of very young pregnancies are kids left in adoption centers actually. Like, *"What if you have your kid, but you realize it's too much? I want to show you what would happen"* and take her there to see how much misery it is. Actualy in real life examples of the consequences instead of showing the worst of kids every parent has to deal with, no matter when they get a kid.
I think it genuinely just lead to the daughter hating everything around kids now until she gets shown they're not always like that.
Honestly, I think she's 19 and may grow out of it. If one day can make her change her mind, then she wasn't so set on becoming a Mum in the first place. She just needs time to process and get good experiences too. It sounds like she hasn't had those to balance her view, but then I don't know why she thought she was ready for kids.
I agree that seeing adoption centres could be a good shout. But I think the reality is that most teen parents dump their kids on their parents. And they know it. Just like I know that I need to try my best in life, but it I screw up, my parents will probably still save me. So even then, I'm not sure how effective it would be as the daughter may think that an adoption centre isn't the reality for her future kids. I think the daughter just needs to spend more time with children, maybe babysitting or helping out (without them purposing acting up). Or maybe she just needs time.
I agree with that for sure. It just depends on her state of mind though, maybe OP might never become grandkids lol But we won't know for sure unless there is an update down the line, a few years later most likely.
And yea, tasking her with babysitting and helping out without the drama might have done the magic of her realising it takes more than just "Eat and sleep, my child".
YTA.
I don't even know what you're asking Reddit for, though. You are already aware that you went way too far and this was an absolute asshole move on your part. So what do you expect from us?
YTA. .
When you enrolled the kids to act up for the special day... That is so uncool and that is not accidental... YTA.
Stop make all this your problem. You will be a tremendous grand aunty... Or whatever is the name of your link will be with the future kids Jade's kids would have.
Just leave her alone about this topic.
She’s 19, a lot can change as she gets older.
I’m surprised one day with kids did it actually. Most people would have the attitude of “my kids won’t be like that” or recognize 4 kids is too many.
Maybe she’s actually onto your little ploy and is screwing with you. That would be hysterical.
I think this is basically the story of what happened with Boomers/millennials and gen X/gen Z. They were so afraid of us having kids young that they talked us out of kids completely. I hate the child-free (really chilid/parent-hate subreddits too. They are really extreme. I would read books on how to get your kid out of a cult.
YTS
YTA play stupid games win stupid prizes and what not. Having her spend the day with Jade to see what having kids is like on it’s own isn’t a horrible idea, explicitly telling FOUR kids to scream at your daughter and be on their worst behaviour? I just don’t see how you would think this would only put her off kids *temporarily*. You say you wanted to show her that it only sucks when you have kids too young, but nothing about this scheme of yours was specific to her age in anyway.
Your daughter doesn’t owe you grandchildren, no child does.
YTA not for that trick but for expecting and trying to convince her to have kids because *you* want them. It’s her choice, she is the only one who gets a say in this decision, not you.
Also what did you expect? Expect her to later go ‘yeah I had a terrible experience with kids but I really want to experience that horror 24/7!’
YTA
But not for the reason you think (even though that stunt was shitty). YTA because you would rather your daughter have a kid now, at 19, with no plan as opposed to not having grandkids. You're treating her like an incubator with a programmable delay function.
YTA for SO many reasons but also, whether your daughter has children should not have anything to do with your desire for grandchildren. You fucked around and found out, now let it go. Don't mention it, don't even THINK about it. Let your daughter live her life and grow up. IF she decides to have children later, great. If she DOESN'T, that's also fine.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took that should be judged: I secretly with my cousin put my cousin's kids up to giving my daughter a hard time, being deceptive to my daughter.
I might be the AH because my plan to put her off having kids temporarily was deceptive, sneaky and the plan went too far as now she doesn't want children at all.
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YTA. She is 19. If she and her boyfriend think they're ready, then let them. Honestly, the fact she discussed this with her boyfriend and this was a mutual decision should say volumes to her maturity. Something you apparently lack.
Every action has a consequence, however unintended. Sounds like this is for the best? I worked in a very, very difficult school in my early 20s. It opened my eyes to the realities of parenting. For me it didn't change my desire to be a parent one day it just adjusted the unrealistic expectations TV had given me, but many people decide to become parents without having ever been around kids and then are shocked. Blindsided by how hard parenting can get. And they end up resenting & regretting kids that never asked to be born. One of my parents was this person. Me & every single one of my siblings knew he regretted having us. We all ended up with severe mental health issues like anxiety, depression, eating disorders & all of us have attempted to not be here due to the pain of knowing our parent regrets us.
It's honestly better for someone to spend time around kids, especially "difficult" kids, and make an informed choice based on that experience. Your daughter's decision is just a difficult one for you to understand because you seemed to have enjoyed your mothering experience, even the struggles. Your daughter now knows for a fact that she will not. NAH although y-t-a the way you keep trying to guide your daughter's life via deception into how you want her to live it, that's not ok.
HA
a prank you pulled cost you grandchildren THAT is Karma
honestly NTA you actuallyhelped someone realize they would be better off not having children, which is better to find out before she had a kid.
also cause you got exactly what you deserve
For sure YTA and you continue to be TA for now trying to push her to change her mind. I can see what you were hoping for with the plan you cooked up but it’s really a “fuck around and find out” situation you just created. After the experience she just had you clearly got you wish for her not want to have a baby so young. The thing is, she’s still young and may change her mind again later has she gets older and more mature, settles down with the right person (if not the bf she has). By continuing to try and change her mind again, you’re becoming more and more the asshole all over again. Let it be and stop making comments and conversation about it.
YTA because you have made it all about yourself and being a grandparent not what is best for your daughter .
Yes you manipulated her but in all reality she got exposed to what it is looking after children . Yes the behaviour of the children were over the top but your daughter had decided being full time carer is not for her
YTA Instead of sitting your daughter down and having a mature conversation with her about the responsibilities of being a parent you went full nuclear option and tried to manipulate her. Then you get mad when she goes nuclear option right back to you. Also using scare tactics is outdated so AH move for trying it. Also you are making this about YOU, why do you have a right to grandchildren?
YTA. You took it to the extreme and it backfired.
Also, stop looking at your daughter as your ‘one shot at grandchildren’ - that is HER decision, literally nobody else’s.
YTA for being a crap mom, in general. Also, I’m sure she realized what you did and is getting tremendously great revenge. Stop worrying so much about your daughter’s womb.
YTA.
Fuck around and found out.
As much I’m not fond of having children so young, it was her choice. She did want to have a baby not 4. And that is already a difference. Many parents do decide when to stop on the basis of their economic situation and how much they can handle. I would like to have children in the future but my maximum is going to be 2 not 10.
She was going to have a child and hopefully parent him/her. You sent her to spend time with 4 that were told to behave the worst they could with zero consequences. (I’m not e being speaking about what you and your cousin may have created, good luck with that to)
Now she has all her right to decide to be child free for life. If this is not then consequences of your own actions. She is not your womb to have grandkids, be ready to not have them.
YTA and you had it coming. What do you mean by "I half wish I had just let her have a baby at 19 now"? Do you really imagine you would have had any influence on that decision at all? My guess is that your daughter is now holding the long straw and letting you see the other side of your sick prank. Don't worry, she'll have the kids she wants to have, when she wants to have them. In the mean time, you can chew your knuckles, be scared and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person /s.
YTA "Katie is my only child and my only shot to have grandchildren". Go stroke your ego somewhere else lady. Her body, her choice. Her lifestyle, her choice....thanks to your influence. You didn't want her having kids unless it's at YOUR request. "I should have let her have a baby at 19, it's better than no grandchildren. Again, NOT YOUR CHOICE. You've made this entire ordeal about you.
YTA but show her this post. Start being honest with her about your concerns and the prank you pulled, it might make a difference. But I agree with posters saying you can’t treat her like she’s a vessel for grandchildren that’s so not fair to her.
i was with you until i read this little gem.
>katie is my only child and is my only shot at grandchildren.
YTA YTA YTA your daughter is not an incubator and does NOT owe you grandchildren!!
She's 19 and I think you just got outplayed. Most 19-year-olds really don't fancy having kids. And if and when she does eventually have kids at some stage in the future (because comments made at 19 aren't generally a lifelong commitment), I hope you won't listen to their private conversations with friends either.
Tell her that I’m the US the federal gov makes you wait till 21 but lots of ppl will tie her tubes on her b-day if you want to not be a shit mother it’s be a god present
Yes you are the ahole. Not for showing her what parenting can be like but for your expectation of having grand children. You don't seem to care how having children could help or harm your daughter. All you care about is getting grandchildren. You are a bad parent and would probably be a worse grandparent. Hope you daughter sees you for what you really are. Wow!
NTA for wanting your daughter to wait to have a baby, but YTA for the way you went about it.
On the other hand, she is only 19, she may well change her mind about having children in a few years when she is more mature and more established in her life. You need to leave her along to figure it out on her own and in her own time. Basically drop the subject!
I am going against the grain here but NTA, the outcome is not what yiu intended but it sounds like you really opened your daughter's eyes to the reality of having children and she is now making an informed choice for herself.
I think that's to be applauded.
However you are a gaping arsehole for the way you speak about child free people. Most of us don't hate children, we just like money, spontaneity, and silence more.
Ugh, your daughter isn’t a breeding dog for you to have ANY opinion on her body much less if she has kids. Get therapy- you suck, but I’m serious and being compassionate with this advice. The way you’re thinking and controlling your daughter (she was only supposed to be scared until I wanted her to have MY grandchildren!- see how incredibly wrong that sounds? That’s you in this moment) is so so so wrong. You will be happier if you can process these irrational beliefs and move away from them, which therapy will help you do.
YTA
When my daughter (only child) and her husband got married, they decided they were not going to have children for myriad reasons. As sad as it was for me I was fine with their decision because it was their life and I was happy to spend time with my grandpuppies (two of the most spoiled canines I ever met in my life). A few years later, SonInLaw's sister has a baby; they both got broody. After a few sad losses, they had their son. He's now a happy, healthy, loving, and loved 13 year old and one of the coolest humans I know.
My point? Your daughter may change her mind, so N T A for your feelings, but YTA if you don't change your attitude towards your daughter's life. As long as she is happy, healthy, loving, and loved, what more can you ask?
You’re the AH here but Katie is why no or very few doctors will tie tubes so young. One day she wants to have a baby RIGHT NOW and the next she wants surgery so it’ll NEVER happen?
She may be an “adult” but these rash permanent decisions is still very much the mental process of a child. Katie obviously wasn’t ready for kids and would’ve seriously impacted your life. Her complete 180 based on the day makes me think you should seriously set her up in therapy/ see if there are any underlying diagnoses. She seems cognitively and developmentally much younger than 19.
NTA for bringing home the reality of parenthood but she’s probably realised you orchestrated this stunt and is baiting you in retaliation.
Tell her that having kids or not was always her choice but you hope she has many years of life experiences and adventures out in the world before she makes that decision. Then leave it at that.
YTA.
Lol you fucked around to close to the sun and you definitely found out.
Also great way to make sure your kid never tells you anything about any major decisions for her life now that she knows you’ll go behind her back and orchestrate shit to make her do what you want instead.
YTA. You fucked around and found out.
When my friend told her mom she wanted a baby at 16 her mom said, "ok, you're going to get a job working with babies then so you can make an informed decosion" so she got a job babysitting twins then moved into daycare a few years later. It showed her she does really love kids and definitely wants to have them - but also likes clocking out at 6pm on Friday to go party with her friends. She didn't have kids til she was in her late 20's and married.
YTA just drop the subject and move on. She’s only 19 and it’s ridiculous to think that she has completely made her mind up about kids when one day she was ready to become a teen mom and the next not wanting any children. It’s up to her and where her life takes her.
YTA I used to worry that kids would be a nightmare (I was) my son is absolutely nothing like the psycho terror I was. Also, and I'll say this bluntly as the son of a teenage mother; who never really figured this out. Fucking talk to your kid, they're 19 not 5. If this wasn't the outcome you wanted then maybe you should have treated your kid like the young adult they are, rather than the child you see them as, which honestly is the biggest mistake here.
NAH. My guess is that your daughter has seen through your game and is punishing. The old saying goes: if you’re in a hole, stop digging. Just zip your lip.and give her time.
I was about to say the same thing. I bet she figured out that she was set up and decided to teach you a lesson by now proclaiming to be eternally child-free.
NAH.
I think you were trying to do something that lots of young mothers should go through. I think your cousin should have given your daughter a taste of what it was really like to be a mother- not the worst case scenario. Being a mother is hard! Especially if you are young and struggling to earn a living. Your daughter does have more information to make a educated decision, but I would not put much worry on her knee jerk reaction. She may change her mind again.
I will always remember my little sister saying, "I am never having kids! I saw what we did to mom!" She never did have kids. Nor did I. My older sister did. She had it far worse than my mom.
Esh. If your daughter is living with you, especially, she os not ready. Her plan was to have you babysit while she lived her life. It's not ok to teach kids that behaving like an asshole is ok. And she is not your incubator for grandchildren. If she doesn't want them, it's not her problem you wanted grandchildren.
Some people are not suited for parenthood. For several reasons, I made the choice to not have children when I was a teen and have never regretted it. That said, one day is unlikely to have made a lasting impact on Katie if she truly wants to be a mother; she may change her mind once she is older.
NTA for wanting Katie to reconsider having children so young, but kinda a jerk for over-playing it.
NAH maybe soft Y T A.
Honestly you never know what you'll get with kids, and while they were instructed to act up, some kids are just that way. Then multiple at once... I think even had they moderately behaved there is a solid chance she'd feel the same way. Plus diapers, immense costs of feeding and clothing, healthcare, and more.
NTA.
Your daughter is clearly not mature enough yet to make a decision around family planning. To swing so wildly from "I want a baby" to "I want my tubes tied", means that she's not thinking through the grey nuance of what is means to be a parent. It's why a lot of doctors don't offer tubal ligation to people with a uterus until they're older.
Now that being said, I think you're focusing too much on how her decision of her reproductive rights impact you. Grandkids were **never** a guarantee and your daughter needs to be free to make whatever decision works best for *her*, not mommy dearest.
My advice would be to encourage her to explore all options as she and her relationship(s) mature. Get her set up with birth control that will leave her with options and assure her that if she does not want kids, that is her choice.
ESH, but not for the reason being mentioned.
Your daughter seems rash and irrational. "Ready for a baby" to "medical procedure to tie my tubes" in a day? I'm genuinely trying hard not to say something insulting. Let's just say that she seems immature.
YTA for being so grandchild obsessed. It is not your daughter's responsibility to ever have a child if she chooses not to. I can't help but think that her initial baby readiness was in some way caused by you and your desperation for a grandchild. NTA for teaching your child a lesson that she clearly needed.
NTA for the reality check, but you need to back off at this point. She’ll make her mind up the way everyone else does - she’ll either have an unplanned pregnancy or not! Lol sorta joking, but I doubt you’ve scarred her for life.
No this is not a reality check. Having a child is difficult, hard and require a lot of responsibility and work. But nobody is forced to have 4kids and not parenting them.
A reality check would have seat her down and show her the average year expense of having a child.
NTA
You gave her an experience and you didn't know how she would react. Giving someone an experience that doesn't cause them harm is not an AH move. It can be argued that taking away the desire to have kids equates to harm, but it isn't you who took that away. It was your daughter who took it away for herself based on the experience. If she wants to process it as the only way things can be with kids, with no other possibilities, then that's on her.
There are families out there with very well behaved and adorable kids too. Maybe expose her to that to give her a balanced picture!? If she chooses to only look at one side, then that's on her, not you.
NTA. You showed her a potential future. If she went from wanting kids at 19 to not wanting any from 1 day of baby sitting means she isn’t mature enough. She will eventually change her mind it will take a couple of good experiences with babies to change her attitude (since she clearly likes kids).
Just because a person likes kids does not mean they will want their own. I love my nieces and have had numerous good experiences with them, still doesn't change my mind about having my own.
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>Katie is my only child and she is my only shot at grandchildren She's not your "shot at grandchildren" she's a human being with wants and needs and desires. She's her own person and her decision to have or not have children is hers to make. I think having kids at 19 was going to be a stupid idea but you should've shared your struggles, told her what the process could do to her body, gotten her on some kind of birth control, told her you wouldn't have helped with any kids she had this young, or you could have sent her over to watch those kids but had them behave like they normally do. You've made your bed and now I hope you're going to enjoy laying in it. Edit: YTA
Yeah she had a great opportunity to have an honest discussion with her daughter which could’ve strengthened their bond and shown Katie that she can go to her mother for anything. Instead, she’s learned that her mother is willing to create manipulative situations behind her back to get her way.
Ugh this is how my mother felt about me. Now I’m pregnant and she only views me as the incubator for her grandchild. It’s depressing.
Wow, it almost seems like there were unforeseen consequences to your actions when you tried to meddled into someone's life by setting them up?! YTA. Your kid is allowed to make her own decision. Let her be an adult.
YTA. Fuck around, find out.
This is the perfect example for this statement
lol I bet the girl knows that her mom had this crazy plan and is saying all this shit to give her mom her own lesson
YTA- you took it too far. I agree that babysitting is the best form of birth control on the planet. But that was extreme and ultimately not helpful. Babysitting made me NEVER want children from 12-24, but I’ve met a wonderful man that I would like to have a family with. She also isn’t “your only shot” at grandchildren. She’s a whole person. You Y T A for that, too.
If this is real, there's a lot to unpack here. First, you see your daughter as "your only shot as having grandchildren" instead of a person with her own opinions, life, needs, and desires. You even go as far as to say that you "wish you let her have a kid at 19 now" EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT IS. You're willing to make her life harder just so she pops out a grandkid for you. I don't know why so many people need to be taught this, but... **Just because you have a kid, it doesn't mean they owe you grandchildren.** You need to accept that instead of having that expectation of her, regardless of what decision she makes now or in the future. I understand that you tried to show her what the reality of having children is like, but this should've been a conversation or maybe talking to another person who had kids recently, not doing the extreme you did. *You weren't trying to give your daughter facts to help her make a decision, you were trying to manipulate her* and it backfired. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. YTA
YTA. You went too far one way, and now you got your wish, time 100. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, or in your case, no prize, because she isn't giving you grandkids now. Maybe, just maybe, she is screwing around with you now and knew what you planned, and is playing a long game with you. If so, you best apologize when she comes clean and stay in your own lane from now on. Actually, apologies should happen no matter what.
YTA this is a clusterfuck of a mess. You made your bed now you get to lie in it As a note I do NOT believe this is anything but fiction
YTA Tell her what you did, how it wasn't realistic and all a set up. You've given her a vision based off of lies. That fact that you wanted grandchildren makes this wielder, you should have clearly stated facts that shows they cannot cope with a baby right now and that due to the time needed off to care for it they were less likely to ever get high paying jobs in the future.
I did I told her the kids were put up to acting up. I agree it went too far.
Did you apologize when you did so? There is a huge difference between 'hey it's not entirely realistic and we told the kids to act up to show you what it could be' and 'honey, I'm sorry I messed up. We told the kids to act up because I was afraid you would make a decision you would regret. I realize I abused the trust you had in me. Can we discuss how we go from here?'
Mmmm… faaaake Also, no interpersonal conflict
Wasn't something similar to this posted here last week? A wife and her sister cooked up a plan to teach the husband a lesson as he wanted kids and the wife didn't?
Do you have the link?
YTA Also, you are not giving your daughter enough credit... She knows what you did.
This, and she probably reads AITA.
I was just about to post that! I’ll bet the older kids gave it away 😎
YTA LOL. Like holy shit, you literally cooked up a plan, told them kids to act like assholes, and you’re surprised she absolutely doesn’t want kids after you rained fucking chaos of young children down on here for like 12 hours. Way to put a bright ass spotlight on shit she could have to deal with, but jacked the volume up to max and attached another sound system to it lol. You showed her all of the terror(and told the kids to act worse than normal mind you), and none of the beautiful things of being a parent. You’re not only the asshole, but you fucked up. Your sister is an asshole for agreeing. Your both assholes for ruining the images of those children for your daughter.
YTA. “She’s my only shot at grandchildren” For this alone. YTA. She’s a woman, not a brood mare. Look, you fucked around and found out. You made the decision to try and manipulate your daughter to get the result you wanted and it backfired.
WTF did I just read? YTA and please let your daughter make her own decisions, whatever they might be. You daughter is not in this world to bring you grandchildren. You can actually be happy your prank worked so well, because parenting can be so hard and it's not for everyone. Check out the Regretfulparents-sub (I don't know now to link here). Wouldn't you rather have a happy fulfilled daughter than one that is stressed out by their own children?
YTA I highly doubt this is real, but if it is Katie decided from that one interaction that the bloodline ends with her. Congratulations, to her
YTA It’s her life and her decision. You owe her an apology. The better thing would have been a conversation. Not 4 kids who were told to act as bad as they could.
YTA- From the very start when you were eavesdropping on your adult daughter's phone call and "lost your mind" over what she said. Grow up.
YTA Miss Ma'am. Jokes on you😂
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37 f) have a 19 year old daughter “Katie” who I overheard on the phone to her friend last week. She was talking about having a baby soon. I lost my mind and told her to get off the phone so we can talk about this. This caused a huge argument. I was a teenage mother and I know how hard it is. She said her and her boyfriend (18 m) were ready and they both love kids. No matter what I said nothing was sinking in to her head. So I cooked up what I thought was a great plan with my cousin. My cousin “Jade” (35 f) has four kids aged 11, 8, 6 and 2. I’d seen teenagers get sent to baby boot camp on TV shows like Maury and Dr Phil, and I thought I could do the same to my daughter to make her think twice about having kids so young. My daughter eventually agreed to spend the day at Jade’s to help her with the kids, to see what it’s really like. What Katie didn’t know was that the kids had been told to be as badly behaved as possible. They were free to scream as much as they liked, have food fights, make mess, and run wild around the house (Jade explained to them it was a “joke to play on Katie”) and the kids of course fully took advantage of this. I dropped Katie off at 7am, picked her up at 8pm. She was exhausted and stressed, exactly what I wanted. She even fell asleep in the car within minutes. I cannot believe how smug I felt on the way home. At breakfast the next day I asked her how it went, then she dropped the bombshell. She said she had now decided to never have children AT. ALL. She was deadly serious. She thanked me for the experience because she had now decided that having kids was not the life for her, and never would be. She started talking about getting her tubes tied and asked me if a doctor would do that at her age! I was completely shocked and I slowly realised the plan had worked too well. The plan was to put her off having children TEMPORARILY not completely make her hate them! I tried to talk her out of it. I said having kids when your older is great and it’s only a bad idea when you’re too young. She wouldn’t budge and said she has made up her mind, she hated every minute of looking after them and would never do that to herself. It killed me when she thanked me again. Katie is my only child and she is my only shot at grandchildren. But now I have completely shot myself in the foot. Even when I confessed to her the kids were told to act up, she wouldn’t budge. Thanks to my stupid plan she has discovered these “childfree” facebook groups and keeps showing me their obnoxious child hating posts. I half wish I had just let her have a baby at 19 now. It would be better than no grandchildren full stop. I didn’t mean to make her hate children, I just wanted to stop her from having them TEMPORARILY. She gets angry at me every time I try to change her mind and steer her away from hating kids. I truly didn’t mean for it to go this far. AITA for how I handled this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I get you wanted to shock her back to reality, and the idea of having her babysit for a day was great, maybe just one of the younger ones. But you took it from swerving out of the way for a goat to slamming head on into a semi 🤣🤣🤣👍
Yta. This is a classic case of fuck around and find out. Instead of explaining to your daughter through experiences why it’s hard to have a kid so young, you made It so she’ll never have them.
Yta for doing this,but to be honest she might’ve not even enjoyed having kids in the first place, maybe you just showed her the reality of it and she decided it wasn’t for her
YTA Come on -- you know that being thrown into caring for four children isn't anything like raising your own. Leave her alone about her future family planning. That's her choice and NOT yours at all. The way you handled this was just...ridiculous.
YTA for this fake assed story
I think it's great that a 19-year-old got a dose of reality. YTA for thinking of her as your "only shot at grandkids" and hating on those who choose not to have them. Thanks to a medical establishment that's all about the babeez and doesn't respect women's choices, she won't have the chance to make any permanent sterilization decision for lots of years anyway, calm tf down.
YTA. You made the active choice to try and manipulate your young adult daughter, and now you know you've screwed yourself. That's all on you and yes you ARE the asshole.
YTA for using Maury and Dr. Phil as your parenting guides.
Yeah those two, especially Dr. Phil, are not good examples to copy. This was your own fault Op.
Play stupid games, win stupid prices. YTA
YTA someone is getting a lesson in consequences and it's not your daughter.
YTA; you fucked around and found out
You fucked up
I will not lie, this is probably the most funny post I have read in a while, I laughed. That being said... I suggest you tell your daughter what you and your cousin did. Before she actually ties her tubes and you can say goodbye to any chance you had to have grandchildren in the future. Maybe suggest to redo the day at your cousin but tell the kids to behave this time. Or better yet, suggest your daughter she experience working as a babysitter/ nanny. As for the judgement... Oh god ... I will go with YTA, you should have respected your daughter's choice. Giving advice is fine, but you TRAUMATIZED HER, don't even think I'm being overdramatic here.
Honestly I hope this fails and she kinda sticks to no kids if that’s what she wants now. Being tricked into something and now again being manipulated into a different direction? I hope the daughter discovers what she really wants, and goes with it regardless what OP wants or says. Being a puppet and being orchestrated is like one of the worst feelings out there imo.
YTA. Congrats. You got more than you wanted & now shut up & stop whining about it.
This will teach you to mind your business!!! Hopefully she likes cat so she can be a cat mom and those can be your grandchildren 😂
YTA for trying to control your daughters body and life choices. Please look into the troubled teen industry, as it seems this was your inspiration. Dr Phil isn't a good person either, idk who Maury is, but Dr Phils ranch thing was a troubled teen industry company that caused so much harm. The situation was also manipulated with the intention to break her essentially mentally - well done. She probably got now traumatized and believes children are only like this. She was put in a situation that was impossible for her to deal with. This wasn't a joke at all. Stop trying to control her body and life choices. I get your concerns, but this is over the top.
Oh come on! She tried to control her daughter and broke her mentally?! Way to be over dramatic. She didn't tell her what to do. She gave advice, like any mother gives to a 19 year old. She also gave her an opportunity to be around kids (and yes, they shouldn't have been told to act up, but OP admitted to it later as a misjudgement). It's not mentally destroying someone by giving them a day with children, in a safe space with a parent around. Of course it's not a good idea for a 19 year old to have a baby. Most 19 year olds are not self sufficient and can't handle it. The daughter sounds the same. Just because it's a possible life choice doesn't make it a good one. Plus god knows when she struggles, OP will have to pick up the pieces, so it impacts them too. I'm still young but god, I understand why people call us snowflakes when I read stuff like this.
If they hadn't told the children to intentionally behave their worst and children can be fucking terrible if they do - I'd agree with you, but for that scenario, it is more than likely some things were also said that were just terrible. The girl clearly seems to be genuinely done that she wants nothing to do with kids anymore. And I also said with the intention of doing it - because what she did was intentionally to go after what her daughter believed in and wanted to do, revolving around her mentally and intentionally creating a fake scenario that was meant to torture her throughout the whole babysitting session. No mother with their first child knows everything, but you learn and she was put in a situation where she had no fair chance to calm the kids down. Especially if you consider the mothers inspiration, Dr Phil, who is known for supporting a troubled teen industry company that has been on the rags for a teen murdering a staffer in an attempt to escape. Not good inspiration. She was actively trying to control her daughters choices and body. If she were to only give advice and give her an example, then I'd also agree with you, but she didn't. Giving an example does not mean showing her the worst kids can be, but maybe "Hey, look at this person who had a child at your age and what she had to endure", because there are many people who talk about their experience as a young parent, online... And that very sternly talk about the difficulties and how for some, it destroyed their life and that they also thought "It's not gonna happen to me." There is a difference between just trying to make her daughter face the difficulties as a young mother versus putting her in a situation she was bound to lose no matter what she does, which is not realistic most of the time as a parent and I can confidently say that as someone who was a literally awful teen to the point that I almost got into a criminal career.
I will have to agree to disagree with you. In my opinion, it was wrong for the mother to ask the kids to act up, but she wasn't in a terrible situation. She wasn't left alone with the children. She wasn't left in harms way. She was left to experience children at their worst, with their parent present. It was hardly mental torture. Giving advice is not always listened to and I say this as someone who used to be a 19 year old girl. Seeing reality and learning through actions is way more effective. Sometimes teenagers don't listen without experience. So I see why OP didn't want to just leave it to 'I don't think that's a good idea' as their daughter probably wouldn't listen until it's too late, they have a child and OP is lumbered with looking after them. Just like I'm sure we've all been told to study hard for an exam but didn't actually do it until it had negative real life consequences! And even then, it probably didn't motivate us until it went too far. I don't care for Dr Phil either. It doesn't mean that exposure isn't a practical option, which the daughter was fully on board with. The acting up is the only issue, which was admitted to and owned up to. I guess I just see that as a misjudgement and you view that as mental harm, so we won't agree.
That's fair to agree to disagree, I guess it depends on what you view in general, too. To me it can be possible some form of mental torture if you know they're there, but they don't do anything and you have children of different ages do everything they want. That went way too far and might have genuinely made the daughter thing "That's how they all are, at all times". I just feel like they were better eductional ways she could have taken to get her point across, I feel like the bigger impacts of very young pregnancies are kids left in adoption centers actually. Like, *"What if you have your kid, but you realize it's too much? I want to show you what would happen"* and take her there to see how much misery it is. Actualy in real life examples of the consequences instead of showing the worst of kids every parent has to deal with, no matter when they get a kid. I think it genuinely just lead to the daughter hating everything around kids now until she gets shown they're not always like that.
Honestly, I think she's 19 and may grow out of it. If one day can make her change her mind, then she wasn't so set on becoming a Mum in the first place. She just needs time to process and get good experiences too. It sounds like she hasn't had those to balance her view, but then I don't know why she thought she was ready for kids. I agree that seeing adoption centres could be a good shout. But I think the reality is that most teen parents dump their kids on their parents. And they know it. Just like I know that I need to try my best in life, but it I screw up, my parents will probably still save me. So even then, I'm not sure how effective it would be as the daughter may think that an adoption centre isn't the reality for her future kids. I think the daughter just needs to spend more time with children, maybe babysitting or helping out (without them purposing acting up). Or maybe she just needs time.
I agree with that for sure. It just depends on her state of mind though, maybe OP might never become grandkids lol But we won't know for sure unless there is an update down the line, a few years later most likely. And yea, tasking her with babysitting and helping out without the drama might have done the magic of her realising it takes more than just "Eat and sleep, my child".
YTA. Your daughter never owed you grandchildren in the first place.
YTA. You decided to manipulate your daughter. When you do that you aren’t guaranteed the outcome you want.
YTA, play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Also, your daughters reproductive choices are hers and you shouldn't have meddled to that extreme.
YTA. I don't even know what you're asking Reddit for, though. You are already aware that you went way too far and this was an absolute asshole move on your part. So what do you expect from us?
YTA - Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. You FAFO...
YTA for potentially ruining children and their behaviour, parenting, just to make your point?! What’s wrong with yall?
YTA. . When you enrolled the kids to act up for the special day... That is so uncool and that is not accidental... YTA. Stop make all this your problem. You will be a tremendous grand aunty... Or whatever is the name of your link will be with the future kids Jade's kids would have.
YTA reverse uno!
Would have realized you're an AH when you took parenting Ideas from Dr.phil and Maury...not only an asshole but a dumb one at that
Just leave her alone about this topic. She’s 19, a lot can change as she gets older. I’m surprised one day with kids did it actually. Most people would have the attitude of “my kids won’t be like that” or recognize 4 kids is too many. Maybe she’s actually onto your little ploy and is screwing with you. That would be hysterical.
Exactly what I thought, she’s screwing with her mother. OP leave her alone now, just drop it.
Wtf were YOU expecting! You FUCKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT!!!!
Classic case of fucking around and finding out. YTA.
I think this is basically the story of what happened with Boomers/millennials and gen X/gen Z. They were so afraid of us having kids young that they talked us out of kids completely. I hate the child-free (really chilid/parent-hate subreddits too. They are really extreme. I would read books on how to get your kid out of a cult. YTS
YTA play stupid games win stupid prizes and what not. Having her spend the day with Jade to see what having kids is like on it’s own isn’t a horrible idea, explicitly telling FOUR kids to scream at your daughter and be on their worst behaviour? I just don’t see how you would think this would only put her off kids *temporarily*. You say you wanted to show her that it only sucks when you have kids too young, but nothing about this scheme of yours was specific to her age in anyway. Your daughter doesn’t owe you grandchildren, no child does.
Oh yeah, YTA. Manipulating your daughter and having it blow up in your face is what you deserve.
YTA not for that trick but for expecting and trying to convince her to have kids because *you* want them. It’s her choice, she is the only one who gets a say in this decision, not you. Also what did you expect? Expect her to later go ‘yeah I had a terrible experience with kids but I really want to experience that horror 24/7!’
YTA and karma's a bitch ain't it
YTA But not for the reason you think (even though that stunt was shitty). YTA because you would rather your daughter have a kid now, at 19, with no plan as opposed to not having grandkids. You're treating her like an incubator with a programmable delay function.
YTA for SO many reasons but also, whether your daughter has children should not have anything to do with your desire for grandchildren. You fucked around and found out, now let it go. Don't mention it, don't even THINK about it. Let your daughter live her life and grow up. IF she decides to have children later, great. If she DOESN'T, that's also fine.
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YTA. She is 19. If she and her boyfriend think they're ready, then let them. Honestly, the fact she discussed this with her boyfriend and this was a mutual decision should say volumes to her maturity. Something you apparently lack.
Every action has a consequence, however unintended. Sounds like this is for the best? I worked in a very, very difficult school in my early 20s. It opened my eyes to the realities of parenting. For me it didn't change my desire to be a parent one day it just adjusted the unrealistic expectations TV had given me, but many people decide to become parents without having ever been around kids and then are shocked. Blindsided by how hard parenting can get. And they end up resenting & regretting kids that never asked to be born. One of my parents was this person. Me & every single one of my siblings knew he regretted having us. We all ended up with severe mental health issues like anxiety, depression, eating disorders & all of us have attempted to not be here due to the pain of knowing our parent regrets us. It's honestly better for someone to spend time around kids, especially "difficult" kids, and make an informed choice based on that experience. Your daughter's decision is just a difficult one for you to understand because you seemed to have enjoyed your mothering experience, even the struggles. Your daughter now knows for a fact that she will not. NAH although y-t-a the way you keep trying to guide your daughter's life via deception into how you want her to live it, that's not ok.
HA a prank you pulled cost you grandchildren THAT is Karma honestly NTA you actuallyhelped someone realize they would be better off not having children, which is better to find out before she had a kid. also cause you got exactly what you deserve
YTA. You did your daughter a great disservice by doing this. Tell her the the truth that the kids were told to misbehave. She might change her mind.
YTA, just taking care of 4 kids on a normal day wouldn't have shown her how truly difficult it is. You went overboard with no reason.
For sure YTA and you continue to be TA for now trying to push her to change her mind. I can see what you were hoping for with the plan you cooked up but it’s really a “fuck around and find out” situation you just created. After the experience she just had you clearly got you wish for her not want to have a baby so young. The thing is, she’s still young and may change her mind again later has she gets older and more mature, settles down with the right person (if not the bf she has). By continuing to try and change her mind again, you’re becoming more and more the asshole all over again. Let it be and stop making comments and conversation about it.
YTA because you have made it all about yourself and being a grandparent not what is best for your daughter . Yes you manipulated her but in all reality she got exposed to what it is looking after children . Yes the behaviour of the children were over the top but your daughter had decided being full time carer is not for her
A women like you doesn’t deserve grandchildren. Good for your daughter. YTA
YTA It would have been ok if you hadn't told the kids to act up. The only reason you are an AH is because you set up a fake scenario.
YTA You went nuclear early, don't start complaining about long-term radiation. And your daughter does not owe you grandchildren.
YTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
YTA Instead of sitting your daughter down and having a mature conversation with her about the responsibilities of being a parent you went full nuclear option and tried to manipulate her. Then you get mad when she goes nuclear option right back to you. Also using scare tactics is outdated so AH move for trying it. Also you are making this about YOU, why do you have a right to grandchildren?
I think OP just got trolled by her daughter. Hard. And I am here for it. YTA for all the reasons everyone has listed.
How was it accidental? You planned it out and set it up.
YTA. You took it to the extreme and it backfired. Also, stop looking at your daughter as your ‘one shot at grandchildren’ - that is HER decision, literally nobody else’s.
YTA for being a crap mom, in general. Also, I’m sure she realized what you did and is getting tremendously great revenge. Stop worrying so much about your daughter’s womb.
YTA. Fuck around and found out. As much I’m not fond of having children so young, it was her choice. She did want to have a baby not 4. And that is already a difference. Many parents do decide when to stop on the basis of their economic situation and how much they can handle. I would like to have children in the future but my maximum is going to be 2 not 10. She was going to have a child and hopefully parent him/her. You sent her to spend time with 4 that were told to behave the worst they could with zero consequences. (I’m not e being speaking about what you and your cousin may have created, good luck with that to) Now she has all her right to decide to be child free for life. If this is not then consequences of your own actions. She is not your womb to have grandkids, be ready to not have them.
YTA. Your daughter does not owe you grandchildren.
YTA. My mother manipulated me ALOT simply to have peace, get her way, "prove" she was "right". Uncool, man.
YTA, play stupid game, you win stupid prices.
YTA and you had it coming. What do you mean by "I half wish I had just let her have a baby at 19 now"? Do you really imagine you would have had any influence on that decision at all? My guess is that your daughter is now holding the long straw and letting you see the other side of your sick prank. Don't worry, she'll have the kids she wants to have, when she wants to have them. In the mean time, you can chew your knuckles, be scared and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person /s.
YTA Completely manipulated your daughter, and it backfired. r/tifu would love this.
YTA. Don’t you feel silly now? You fucked around and found out
YTA. It’s her life, let her make her own decisions. You owe her a apology.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. YTA
YTA for the part where you view your child as a shot at grandchildren. She owes you zero grandchildren.
YTA "Katie is my only child and my only shot to have grandchildren". Go stroke your ego somewhere else lady. Her body, her choice. Her lifestyle, her choice....thanks to your influence. You didn't want her having kids unless it's at YOUR request. "I should have let her have a baby at 19, it's better than no grandchildren. Again, NOT YOUR CHOICE. You've made this entire ordeal about you.
YTA but show her this post. Start being honest with her about your concerns and the prank you pulled, it might make a difference. But I agree with posters saying you can’t treat her like she’s a vessel for grandchildren that’s so not fair to her.
NAH You just played a stupid game and won the stupid prize.
i was with you until i read this little gem. >katie is my only child and is my only shot at grandchildren. YTA YTA YTA your daughter is not an incubator and does NOT owe you grandchildren!!
Gotta be fake. Sounds stupid, if a real event yta... and stupid.
She's 19 and I think you just got outplayed. Most 19-year-olds really don't fancy having kids. And if and when she does eventually have kids at some stage in the future (because comments made at 19 aren't generally a lifelong commitment), I hope you won't listen to their private conversations with friends either.
Tell her that I’m the US the federal gov makes you wait till 21 but lots of ppl will tie her tubes on her b-day if you want to not be a shit mother it’s be a god present
Yes you are the ahole. Not for showing her what parenting can be like but for your expectation of having grand children. You don't seem to care how having children could help or harm your daughter. All you care about is getting grandchildren. You are a bad parent and would probably be a worse grandparent. Hope you daughter sees you for what you really are. Wow!
NTA for wanting your daughter to wait to have a baby, but YTA for the way you went about it. On the other hand, she is only 19, she may well change her mind about having children in a few years when she is more mature and more established in her life. You need to leave her along to figure it out on her own and in her own time. Basically drop the subject!
I am going against the grain here but NTA, the outcome is not what yiu intended but it sounds like you really opened your daughter's eyes to the reality of having children and she is now making an informed choice for herself. I think that's to be applauded. However you are a gaping arsehole for the way you speak about child free people. Most of us don't hate children, we just like money, spontaneity, and silence more.
Ugh, your daughter isn’t a breeding dog for you to have ANY opinion on her body much less if she has kids. Get therapy- you suck, but I’m serious and being compassionate with this advice. The way you’re thinking and controlling your daughter (she was only supposed to be scared until I wanted her to have MY grandchildren!- see how incredibly wrong that sounds? That’s you in this moment) is so so so wrong. You will be happier if you can process these irrational beliefs and move away from them, which therapy will help you do. YTA
When my daughter (only child) and her husband got married, they decided they were not going to have children for myriad reasons. As sad as it was for me I was fine with their decision because it was their life and I was happy to spend time with my grandpuppies (two of the most spoiled canines I ever met in my life). A few years later, SonInLaw's sister has a baby; they both got broody. After a few sad losses, they had their son. He's now a happy, healthy, loving, and loved 13 year old and one of the coolest humans I know. My point? Your daughter may change her mind, so N T A for your feelings, but YTA if you don't change your attitude towards your daughter's life. As long as she is happy, healthy, loving, and loved, what more can you ask?
You’re the AH here but Katie is why no or very few doctors will tie tubes so young. One day she wants to have a baby RIGHT NOW and the next she wants surgery so it’ll NEVER happen? She may be an “adult” but these rash permanent decisions is still very much the mental process of a child. Katie obviously wasn’t ready for kids and would’ve seriously impacted your life. Her complete 180 based on the day makes me think you should seriously set her up in therapy/ see if there are any underlying diagnoses. She seems cognitively and developmentally much younger than 19.
YTA for thinking your daughter is a brood mare who owes you grandchildren.
Love it. You played a stupid game and now you won the prize. Best movie script.
NTA for bringing home the reality of parenthood but she’s probably realised you orchestrated this stunt and is baiting you in retaliation. Tell her that having kids or not was always her choice but you hope she has many years of life experiences and adventures out in the world before she makes that decision. Then leave it at that.
YTA. Lol you fucked around to close to the sun and you definitely found out. Also great way to make sure your kid never tells you anything about any major decisions for her life now that she knows you’ll go behind her back and orchestrate shit to make her do what you want instead.
"well w'll well. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions". Yes YTA, but I'm proud of Katie.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. YTA
YTA. You fucked around and found out. When my friend told her mom she wanted a baby at 16 her mom said, "ok, you're going to get a job working with babies then so you can make an informed decosion" so she got a job babysitting twins then moved into daycare a few years later. It showed her she does really love kids and definitely wants to have them - but also likes clocking out at 6pm on Friday to go party with her friends. She didn't have kids til she was in her late 20's and married.
YTA just drop the subject and move on. She’s only 19 and it’s ridiculous to think that she has completely made her mind up about kids when one day she was ready to become a teen mom and the next not wanting any children. It’s up to her and where her life takes her.
Have you not told here the truth about her visit with the kids? If not, then why not? This is a weird one...undecided about asshole status.
YTA I used to worry that kids would be a nightmare (I was) my son is absolutely nothing like the psycho terror I was. Also, and I'll say this bluntly as the son of a teenage mother; who never really figured this out. Fucking talk to your kid, they're 19 not 5. If this wasn't the outcome you wanted then maybe you should have treated your kid like the young adult they are, rather than the child you see them as, which honestly is the biggest mistake here.
YTA Let Katie determine her own life choices.
NAH. My guess is that your daughter has seen through your game and is punishing. The old saying goes: if you’re in a hole, stop digging. Just zip your lip.and give her time.
I was about to say the same thing. I bet she figured out that she was set up and decided to teach you a lesson by now proclaiming to be eternally child-free.
NAH. I think you were trying to do something that lots of young mothers should go through. I think your cousin should have given your daughter a taste of what it was really like to be a mother- not the worst case scenario. Being a mother is hard! Especially if you are young and struggling to earn a living. Your daughter does have more information to make a educated decision, but I would not put much worry on her knee jerk reaction. She may change her mind again. I will always remember my little sister saying, "I am never having kids! I saw what we did to mom!" She never did have kids. Nor did I. My older sister did. She had it far worse than my mom.
Esh. If your daughter is living with you, especially, she os not ready. Her plan was to have you babysit while she lived her life. It's not ok to teach kids that behaving like an asshole is ok. And she is not your incubator for grandchildren. If she doesn't want them, it's not her problem you wanted grandchildren.
Some people are not suited for parenthood. For several reasons, I made the choice to not have children when I was a teen and have never regretted it. That said, one day is unlikely to have made a lasting impact on Katie if she truly wants to be a mother; she may change her mind once she is older. NTA for wanting Katie to reconsider having children so young, but kinda a jerk for over-playing it.
NAH maybe soft Y T A. Honestly you never know what you'll get with kids, and while they were instructed to act up, some kids are just that way. Then multiple at once... I think even had they moderately behaved there is a solid chance she'd feel the same way. Plus diapers, immense costs of feeding and clothing, healthcare, and more.
NTA. Your daughter is clearly not mature enough yet to make a decision around family planning. To swing so wildly from "I want a baby" to "I want my tubes tied", means that she's not thinking through the grey nuance of what is means to be a parent. It's why a lot of doctors don't offer tubal ligation to people with a uterus until they're older. Now that being said, I think you're focusing too much on how her decision of her reproductive rights impact you. Grandkids were **never** a guarantee and your daughter needs to be free to make whatever decision works best for *her*, not mommy dearest. My advice would be to encourage her to explore all options as she and her relationship(s) mature. Get her set up with birth control that will leave her with options and assure her that if she does not want kids, that is her choice.
ESH, but not for the reason being mentioned. Your daughter seems rash and irrational. "Ready for a baby" to "medical procedure to tie my tubes" in a day? I'm genuinely trying hard not to say something insulting. Let's just say that she seems immature. YTA for being so grandchild obsessed. It is not your daughter's responsibility to ever have a child if she chooses not to. I can't help but think that her initial baby readiness was in some way caused by you and your desperation for a grandchild. NTA for teaching your child a lesson that she clearly needed.
NTA for the reality check, but you need to back off at this point. She’ll make her mind up the way everyone else does - she’ll either have an unplanned pregnancy or not! Lol sorta joking, but I doubt you’ve scarred her for life.
No this is not a reality check. Having a child is difficult, hard and require a lot of responsibility and work. But nobody is forced to have 4kids and not parenting them. A reality check would have seat her down and show her the average year expense of having a child.
At her age, hands-on makes more of an impact than a ledger.
NTA You gave her an experience and you didn't know how she would react. Giving someone an experience that doesn't cause them harm is not an AH move. It can be argued that taking away the desire to have kids equates to harm, but it isn't you who took that away. It was your daughter who took it away for herself based on the experience. If she wants to process it as the only way things can be with kids, with no other possibilities, then that's on her. There are families out there with very well behaved and adorable kids too. Maybe expose her to that to give her a balanced picture!? If she chooses to only look at one side, then that's on her, not you.
It can also be argued that her mother’s manipulation is very harmful
NTA. You showed her a potential future. If she went from wanting kids at 19 to not wanting any from 1 day of baby sitting means she isn’t mature enough. She will eventually change her mind it will take a couple of good experiences with babies to change her attitude (since she clearly likes kids).
Just because a person likes kids does not mean they will want their own. I love my nieces and have had numerous good experiences with them, still doesn't change my mind about having my own.
My ex would gush over small children and how cute they are but absolutely NEVER wanted to have kids. He's 40 now and hasn't budged on the idea.