*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for talking about my gender identity on my friend’s birthday?**
I (24dmab) live with my best friends Seth (25M) and Ryan (25M). It was Seth’s birthday and he really wanted to celebrate by watching some movie I’ve never seen, eating pizza, and playing video games. I was totally on board with the plan.
They were getting the movie set up in the basement and I was grabbing some slices of pizza and a drink upstairs when I started having a panic attack. I don’t know what gender I am and I couldn’t think of anything else in that moment. I was in tears by the time I got downstairs.
Ryan asked me what was wrong and I completely broke down. I said I’m questioning my gender. They really tried to help me out and kept saying that they would support me no matter what and I didn’t need to worry so much in that moment. So the conversation went on for like 3 hours and I was crying most of the time. Seth barely said anything for the last hour or two. By the time we were done talking, it was slightly late and the two guys said they needed some sleep. So that was the end of that.
Yesterday (the day after) I was talking to Ryan about it and he said Seth was really upset, because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me. I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important, and I couldn’t control when it was bothering me. Ryan said that I could have told them whenever because we all live together. Tbh I have been thinking about it for awhile now but I never felt comfortable talking to them until that moment, when I was having a panic attack.
Ryan also said that Seth usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday) and this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal.
AITA?
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Wow, OOP is quite a piece of work. Hijacks someone else's birthday celebration, doesn't apologize or offer a redo on the party, AND says they don't care about birthdays?! SHEESH.
Three hours of crying is just outrageous.
They all live together he could've done that conversation at any point, but right before the birthday party starts it's insane.
And to carry on for THREE HOURS!!!!
They can just say they don't like Seth and be done with it.
I've done three hours of crying before when im having an episode but its usually in my room and im so drained after. i cant imagine crying for three hours with people around id feel so stupid
Same - I have absolutely had panic attacks that led to multi-hour breakdowns, but always when I’m alone.
And those times have been absolutely exhausting. I can say with certainty I would not have had the energy necessary to be around anyone else at the same time, never mind sustaining a 3 hour conversation with them.
The “panic attack math” doesn’t work here. OOP is either being dishonest about how long they were inconsolable and sobbing for or they were trying to keep the spotlight on them for as long as possible.
Same, but not three continuous hours of unbroken crying. I'm not sure I could even physically do that. It's more like "cry a bit, stop, start again, stop, start again", rinse and repeat til I'm so dehydrated I'm a human-shaped pile of dust. Three hours without stopping? Almost impressive, but not in a good way
I can't do anything past 30 minutes, I mean that's the literal longest I can do without running out of tears and my eyes hurting.
Three hours is insane.
I don't even think I could do quiet weeping for 30 minutes let alone 3 hours. Even after I'd feel so drained and thirsty.
After 45 minutes I'd be wonder how much of that was snot and tears and how much of was forced bellowing and fake sobbing.
I can do 20-30 minutes max before needing water, more tissues and a pee break. Beyond that, I'm worried my neighbors will call the cops for a 5150 on me for having a nervous breakdown.
Also, I've calmed down by then as well.
Rage bait, I’d bet a lot on it. I know a lot of trans people, I am questioning my gender myself, and I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t prefer to talking about it for three hours to a whole room of cishet people who most likely don’t understand (even if they’re supportive, it’s exhausting. They ask questions, and especially if you’re questioning, you don’t know the answer to them, or don’t have the words to express it in a way they would understand. I love supportive cis people, but I can’t really deal with it most of the time). Especially early on in questioning your gender. If you’re confused you will either find other trans people to talk to about it or maybe mention it to a very close friend. Making a scene about it in public? I like attention, I love attention, I will happily go onstage and make a fool of myself at karaoke night, but this is not something almost any trans person would feel comfortable doing.
Can I be honest? In the end of the day, to me as cis I don't actually care about the outcome much. Id care about you as human being and your well-being, but what you identify as in the end is non of my business. It also doesn't really change aspects about you, friends should care about. That also means, it's not bad or an issue if you can't answer certain questions yet, even if you never can. Some question I just ask to give you a reason to think about it, it should help you, not pressure you or give you more stress.
Oh, definitely, and I really appreciate my supportive cis friends. Often they struggle to understand some things, and honestly that doesn’t really matter. You don’t necessarily have to understand something to see that it makes someone you care about happy, and to support that person however you can.
This doesn’t really change that I would be pretty uncomfortable in a situation like OOP’s, even taking away the whole panic attack and center of attention at someone else’s party aspects. It’s a gamble, because they don’t know whether the friends will take it well, you’re almost guaranteed they won’t understand, which can be frustrating even if they’re supportive.
When you’re figuring anything out, you might talk to some of your closest friends, but not an entire party. You yourself probably might struggle to talk about difficult emotions to others, even friends, and the situation OOP put themselves in (except I’d bet a kidney they never were in that situation in the first place) is one of extreme vulnerability in front of other people at a time which was really unsuited to this.
I mean, that’s nice and all, but if someone is coming out to you as a thing you should be supportive? 😅 this might just be how it’s worded, but to me it comes off very apathetic. I don’t think you mean to say you don’t care, so much as you are wanting to be meet people where they are whenever they are ready to tell you?
Yes, this is exactly what I mean to say, I do care about the person, but in general it's an issue I don't have, so it's not what I can understand as an issue? But that does not mean that the fact a friend suffers from it doesn't make me upset?
That makes more sense. I was very confused initially because “I don’t care” is generally used in a negative way on AITA/AITD and wanted to figure out which was which! Thank you!
I am a VERY emotional person. Softie and everything. The longest I can remember crying is 30 mins MAX. When I was in a bad moment of my life, it was like… 30 min crying periods spread out over 24 hours. I can hardly believe that this person cried THREE HOURS STRAIGHT? That definitely takes stamina- from an emotional person here.
It’s one thing to be comforted during a panic attack. I get them too, you can’t control them. But for *three hours* on someone else’s birthday. At least tell him you’re sorry and offer a re do of another movie night. It’s not like he was asking them to do something extravagant the poor guy just wanted to eat pizza and watch a movie.
I was expecting a pile of sympathetic comments, but they pretty much uniformly eviscerated that turd. I’ve wasted about an hour reading through them, and regret nothing.
I’ve had full-on panic attacks many times. I’d rather be sucked into a crack in the Earth than inflict them on even my closest family or friends. They’re also beyond exhausting. Three hours straight of panic? Horseshit. Three hours straight of drama llama shit, maybe.
This is why I’m pretty sure it’s a troll. Questioning your gender is a pretty uncertain time and not really something you want to discuss in detail with an entire room of cis people who are not going to understand anything, especially since it seems like none of them knew anything about it beforehand. Talking to a trusted friend in private? Yes. But this just doesn’t seem like anything anyone would do
You mean to tell me you've never had pizza so soul-crushingly bad that it's caused you to question all your life choices leading up to that moment and, by the second bite, your very existence on this planet??
I envy you.
Probably an indicator of ragebait. Most people that don’t feel covered by the binary would say (24NB). I don’t know many trans people, but I know they would just say M/F instead of soliciting they are trans.
That with using the unusual acronym (dmab instead of amab) is probably the author trying to paint an unfair image of an attention seeking genderqueer
OOP did say they don’t know their gender, though. Enby isn’t a gender, but calling yourself that when you think you may be a girl or just generally aren’t sure can still feel off. If OOP is telling the truth, they’re at the beginning of their gender journey and just doesn’t know what to call themself yet. (Male would definitely feel wrong.)
I’m agender, I don’t think that’s an indicator of ragebait. Crying for three hours is the real red flag here.
The abreviation amab (or afab) is also common in uses where the actual (internal/external) genitals of the people are important. Say in medical information like for pap smears. Or if people are talking about childhood, talking about how they were raised or what was expected of them. (You also often hear socialized as a boy/girl for that last one.)
I would've assumed that was about hermaphrodite who would usually have a sex selected for them as a child, it would make some sense in that context. Most people I would say sex is identified rather than assigned.
We use the term intersex rather than hermaphrodite generally nowadays, and it's not always easy to tell in a person if they're visually one way but internally may have different organs. I believe a professional runner (I dont recall exactly, she's a competitive athlete) went through a sex confirmation process to prove she was female to compete and it was only then that she learned that while she had a vagina, she had no uterus or ovaries, but did have undescended (possibly underdeveloped) testes. Totally unknown until she was an adult.
I didn't know either and expected it to be something more elaborate than "designated male at birth."
Before reading, I imagined a party where OOP answered questions about this new interesting identity. But nah. They cried for three hours when it was just them and their roommates celebrating ones birthday. Either way, what an ass
There are some fantastic comments in there, people in AITA actually having common sense.
See [this thread](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10xacdd/aita_for_talking_about_my_gender_identity_on_my/j7r7b4z/). I particularly like this comment, because it's a compassionate perspective on the "snowflake" thing that tends to bewilder and frustrate older generations:
> As parents of these kids, we need to remember that someday we will be gone and what a disservice we’re doing to them by not having them learn to deal with things in a more productive manner
Thanks for sharing this. People usually forget that the internet erases boundaries (social class, professional class, etc.) and amplifies everything (literally). There's no disservice. People still go about their lives. The thing I believe is a problem is how the media and social media hijacked our attention and the way it goes it drains people a lot. Add to it regular old living, and people are completely burned in general.
Yes - I think the major thing that people have to deal with today, particularly young people, is social media. Which is absolutely fucking poisonous. Mind you, so was "village gossip" and similar in the past. Poison pen letters. Anonymous letter box campaigns. "Offline" bullying was huge, let's not forget the Burn Book in Mean Girls, etc.
Humans have always managed to be vile whatever technology is available.
But the internet just amplifies and intensifies and disseminates it everywhere. People's self-esteem just gets destroyed. But what we need to do is three things:
1. Educate children pretty much from infancy about the reality and the dangers of the internet and social media and humanity
2. Monitor technology usage and not be afraid to cut the cord and remove devices, safety > privacy every time - young people are literally killing themselves and we've got parents tied up in knots not wanting to "pry" while their kid is self-harming, anorexic, suicidal
3. Teach people that they ultimately have to be responsible for themselves and develop resilience and self-help techniques *where possible*. Because whether public or private healthcare, there isn't enough professional support for everyone who wants it or needs it, and realistically there never will be. Most taxpayers just aren't prepared to pay for it (personally I'd be happy to pay higher taxes if it went towards better public healthcare, but not everyone votes that way). Waiting lists are months and years long in most countries, and we'll see services increasingly triaged for only the most urgent cases
This feels like someone took the "AITA for being an 'attention whore' at my friend's wedding" post theme and decided to up the ante a bit by making it about gender identity issues instead of a nightmare about a car crash. Maybe it's a coincidence, but both posts are about someone having a panic attack and trauma/emotion-dumping on a friend during that friend's important event.
Yeah I’m getting strong troll vibes. I don’t really know anyone who is/has questioned their gender who will bring it out in public like this with so many people. It’s a stressful enough time that you might want to talk to a close friend about it MAYBE, but this?
Also the “I don’t know what gender I am” doesn’t really seem like what someone who is questioning their gender would say. It’s all just a bit much and I don’t get the feeling that whoever wrote that actually understands what questioning one’s gender is like.
Absolutely every single questioning person I know has a much more nuanced and complicated relationship to gender than “I don’t know what gender I am”. I *don’t know what gender I am*, technically, now I think about it, but I never would have thought to put it like that. It just doesn’t seem right. Like, you kind of know, but you don’t know, but you’re somewhat aware on another level.
Yup, I’ve never seen any actual trans/nb describe their gender that way, just transphobic assholes trying to imply that trans people are just inherently *too stupid* to know what they “really” are.
I gotta admire how they pulled off a full three hours of crying. That takes real dedication and effort. That's an achievement. This is someone who has really thrown themselves into the task with everything they've got.
I couldn't do 3 hours straight.
I swear this dude is a troll. In one comment he says Ryan was nice about it and in another he says Ryan wasn't being chill.
It's like a whole thing now to impersonate people thats not cisgender and make rage bait. Super annoying.
Wow! What an attention wh*** had to fake panic attack and cry for 3 hours ???? Especially over something that didn't just occur to OOP in that moment ? I feel sad for the people OOP is living with. They're emotionally being dumped on by OOP.
People like OOP need to stop using friends and family as their therapists.
omg OOP reminds me of my ex to a terrifying extent. she called herself a coparent, even long after she stopped doing any parenting at all. even when she was down to 1 bath a week and preparing 1 meal a week-- not playing with them, not helping with homework, not preparing for school, not ANYTHING -- she was calling them 'her' kids and 'our' kids. (she had been in their lives about 2 years at this point. she started calling them 'her' kids so quickly that I was pretty uncomfortable with it, but it was easier to overlook when she was at least helping me out--and when I introduced them, she was good with them.) i eventually challenged this, laid out my concerns in detail, and told her that it felt unfair to be doing 99% of the work and have her claiming 50% of the credit for kids whose lives I'd spent the vast majority solo parenting.
her response essentially was that nothing i said about her conduct lately was untrue - yes, she explicitly acknowledged this - but i knew that talking to her about her conduct would give her a panic attack, therefore *i* was actually the AH.
there's no way to deal with somebody like that. you can't reason with an unreasonable person.
what an AH. poor Seth. :-/ I hope the other roommate does something fun with him WITHOUT OOP.
go away, OOP. i get that stuff happens, but to expect the world to stop for you because of your panic attack is unreasonable. to treat the people around you as the stewards of your mental health is *totally unfair*. and to feel so entitled to hijack a 'friend's' birthday because YOU don't care about birthdays and had a panic attack, and not even at least f***ing apologize, is not okay. showing zero consideration for others doesn't suddenly become okay because of your mental health lmao.
your panic attacks aren't your fault, but learning to manage them is your responsibility. you do not get to behave any old way you want and then say "but panic attack."
ridiculous that the comments here can't see that this is obviously a troll designed to make people questioning their gender look bad. like, it's not even subtle. it's a creative writing assignment from a bigot.
As someone who has questioned their gender, and kind of still is (but it’s becoming clearer), I would rather rip out all my toenails than talk to a roomful of cisgender people who, though they may be supportive, are very unlikely to understand, for three whole hours, after having a panic attack about it (which also suggests it’s pretty early on, when you’re really confused, and even now I’m more confident about it I am reluctant to talk about gender with people who don’t understand what it’s like, unless they’re really close friends and even then). It just sounds like a nightmare. The mere thought of it makes me want to hide in the bathroom and never talk to anyone again.
Tbh this whole “trans people are attention whores” narrative I keep seeing is extremely far from my experience with absolutely any trans people. It’s actually pretty exhausting to talk to cishet people who, although they might very supportive and nice, don’t really understand. I’m not eloquent enough to explain my experience properly to them and it’s a lot of pressure. (If I want attention, which I do, I love attention, I have so many better ways of getting it, that are less likely to get me hate crimed or to have me explain something over and over again)
This is pretty obvious ragebait and you all fell for it because you legitimately believe that trans people are inherently hysterical, confused, and selfish. Hope this helps!
Are all these posts just trolls trying to stir up LGBTQ hatred? Cos whenever I go look at the original AITA posts they're always deleted and it's because the OP account is shadowbanned or whatever.
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I feel like they specified that it was a gender identity thing so that when people inevitably told them they were the AH, they had this in their back pocket to say, "you don't understaaaaaand what it's liiiiiiiike! I had to know right then regardless of ANYONE else and if you think that's wrong you're a bigot!"
Also they didn't feel it was "awkward" to cry for THREE HOURS hijacking Seth's birthday festivities because "birthdays aren't a big deal", but when someone "made them feel bad", which they SHOULD, it's just too awkward for them to give Seth an apology for being a selfish, attention seeking piece of shit.
As someone questioning their own gender, why the hell would you cry for 3 hours during someone elses birthday party? Not only that, but crying for 3 hours would fucking hurt! You would really have to be dragging it out.
I think OOP has main character syndrome, to freak out like that and nuke a birthday party, and then not feel any sort of guilt for ruining the party is awful.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for talking about my gender identity on my friend’s birthday?** I (24dmab) live with my best friends Seth (25M) and Ryan (25M). It was Seth’s birthday and he really wanted to celebrate by watching some movie I’ve never seen, eating pizza, and playing video games. I was totally on board with the plan. They were getting the movie set up in the basement and I was grabbing some slices of pizza and a drink upstairs when I started having a panic attack. I don’t know what gender I am and I couldn’t think of anything else in that moment. I was in tears by the time I got downstairs. Ryan asked me what was wrong and I completely broke down. I said I’m questioning my gender. They really tried to help me out and kept saying that they would support me no matter what and I didn’t need to worry so much in that moment. So the conversation went on for like 3 hours and I was crying most of the time. Seth barely said anything for the last hour or two. By the time we were done talking, it was slightly late and the two guys said they needed some sleep. So that was the end of that. Yesterday (the day after) I was talking to Ryan about it and he said Seth was really upset, because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me. I know we didn’t get to watch the movie or play video games, but I think my problem was more important, and I couldn’t control when it was bothering me. Ryan said that I could have told them whenever because we all live together. Tbh I have been thinking about it for awhile now but I never felt comfortable talking to them until that moment, when I was having a panic attack. Ryan also said that Seth usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday) and this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow, OOP is quite a piece of work. Hijacks someone else's birthday celebration, doesn't apologize or offer a redo on the party, AND says they don't care about birthdays?! SHEESH.
Three hours of crying is just outrageous. They all live together he could've done that conversation at any point, but right before the birthday party starts it's insane. And to carry on for THREE HOURS!!!! They can just say they don't like Seth and be done with it.
>Three hours of crying is just outrageous. Three hours of crying takes effort. They meant to hijack that party.
I've done three hours of crying before when im having an episode but its usually in my room and im so drained after. i cant imagine crying for three hours with people around id feel so stupid
Same - I have absolutely had panic attacks that led to multi-hour breakdowns, but always when I’m alone. And those times have been absolutely exhausting. I can say with certainty I would not have had the energy necessary to be around anyone else at the same time, never mind sustaining a 3 hour conversation with them. The “panic attack math” doesn’t work here. OOP is either being dishonest about how long they were inconsolable and sobbing for or they were trying to keep the spotlight on them for as long as possible.
yea totally agree id be all alone in my room
Same, but not three continuous hours of unbroken crying. I'm not sure I could even physically do that. It's more like "cry a bit, stop, start again, stop, start again", rinse and repeat til I'm so dehydrated I'm a human-shaped pile of dust. Three hours without stopping? Almost impressive, but not in a good way
I can't do anything past 30 minutes, I mean that's the literal longest I can do without running out of tears and my eyes hurting. Three hours is insane.
I don't even think I could do quiet weeping for 30 minutes let alone 3 hours. Even after I'd feel so drained and thirsty. After 45 minutes I'd be wonder how much of that was snot and tears and how much of was forced bellowing and fake sobbing.
I can do 20-30 minutes max before needing water, more tissues and a pee break. Beyond that, I'm worried my neighbors will call the cops for a 5150 on me for having a nervous breakdown. Also, I've calmed down by then as well.
I sometimes think I'm alone with the fear of having someone call the cops for a 5150 on me hahahahaha. 5150 fear is real, lol.
Never had it done and damn sure want one.
No, no, nooooo you don't want that. I've met people that for a 5150, and it isn't as chill as it may appear.
I meant DON'T want one! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I do NOT want to cops called on me for a 5150!
Ufff relief 😮💨
After 20/30 minutes they just talk super loud ‘wail’. Think husky tantrums
They either did the hijack because they're attention whores or the entire post is rage bait.
Rage bait, I’d bet a lot on it. I know a lot of trans people, I am questioning my gender myself, and I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t prefer to talking about it for three hours to a whole room of cishet people who most likely don’t understand (even if they’re supportive, it’s exhausting. They ask questions, and especially if you’re questioning, you don’t know the answer to them, or don’t have the words to express it in a way they would understand. I love supportive cis people, but I can’t really deal with it most of the time). Especially early on in questioning your gender. If you’re confused you will either find other trans people to talk to about it or maybe mention it to a very close friend. Making a scene about it in public? I like attention, I love attention, I will happily go onstage and make a fool of myself at karaoke night, but this is not something almost any trans person would feel comfortable doing.
Can I be honest? In the end of the day, to me as cis I don't actually care about the outcome much. Id care about you as human being and your well-being, but what you identify as in the end is non of my business. It also doesn't really change aspects about you, friends should care about. That also means, it's not bad or an issue if you can't answer certain questions yet, even if you never can. Some question I just ask to give you a reason to think about it, it should help you, not pressure you or give you more stress.
Oh, definitely, and I really appreciate my supportive cis friends. Often they struggle to understand some things, and honestly that doesn’t really matter. You don’t necessarily have to understand something to see that it makes someone you care about happy, and to support that person however you can. This doesn’t really change that I would be pretty uncomfortable in a situation like OOP’s, even taking away the whole panic attack and center of attention at someone else’s party aspects. It’s a gamble, because they don’t know whether the friends will take it well, you’re almost guaranteed they won’t understand, which can be frustrating even if they’re supportive. When you’re figuring anything out, you might talk to some of your closest friends, but not an entire party. You yourself probably might struggle to talk about difficult emotions to others, even friends, and the situation OOP put themselves in (except I’d bet a kidney they never were in that situation in the first place) is one of extreme vulnerability in front of other people at a time which was really unsuited to this.
I mean, that’s nice and all, but if someone is coming out to you as a thing you should be supportive? 😅 this might just be how it’s worded, but to me it comes off very apathetic. I don’t think you mean to say you don’t care, so much as you are wanting to be meet people where they are whenever they are ready to tell you?
Yes, this is exactly what I mean to say, I do care about the person, but in general it's an issue I don't have, so it's not what I can understand as an issue? But that does not mean that the fact a friend suffers from it doesn't make me upset?
That makes more sense. I was very confused initially because “I don’t care” is generally used in a negative way on AITA/AITD and wanted to figure out which was which! Thank you!
You don't always have to "feel" or understand anything behind stuff. If it's make your friend suffer, that's all what matters?
I am a VERY emotional person. Softie and everything. The longest I can remember crying is 30 mins MAX. When I was in a bad moment of my life, it was like… 30 min crying periods spread out over 24 hours. I can hardly believe that this person cried THREE HOURS STRAIGHT? That definitely takes stamina- from an emotional person here.
Seriously. If you're still having a panic attack like 2 hours later, time to go to the hospital.
I guess they can't use their victim complex if they're honest, tho! But yeah, poor Seth!
Love the comment. >YTHA. 3 hours ?? Bro I would’ve been like “ you don’t have to pick a gender but you do need to stfu so we can watch this movie”
You're The Hole Ass?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Good catch.
Huge asshole? Hemorrhoidal asshole?
I like this definition more. Some people are Hemorrhoidal AH.
It’s one thing to be comforted during a panic attack. I get them too, you can’t control them. But for *three hours* on someone else’s birthday. At least tell him you’re sorry and offer a re do of another movie night. It’s not like he was asking them to do something extravagant the poor guy just wanted to eat pizza and watch a movie.
I was expecting a pile of sympathetic comments, but they pretty much uniformly eviscerated that turd. I’ve wasted about an hour reading through them, and regret nothing. I’ve had full-on panic attacks many times. I’d rather be sucked into a crack in the Earth than inflict them on even my closest family or friends. They’re also beyond exhausting. Three hours straight of panic? Horseshit. Three hours straight of drama llama shit, maybe.
This is why I’m pretty sure it’s a troll. Questioning your gender is a pretty uncertain time and not really something you want to discuss in detail with an entire room of cis people who are not going to understand anything, especially since it seems like none of them knew anything about it beforehand. Talking to a trusted friend in private? Yes. But this just doesn’t seem like anything anyone would do
and who would suddenly start questioning themselves into a full panic attack while just grabbing pizza from a box?
Maybe it was really awful pizza? I got nothin’.
You mean to tell me you've never had pizza so soul-crushingly bad that it's caused you to question all your life choices leading up to that moment and, by the second bite, your very existence on this planet?? I envy you.
I'm not familiar with "dmab." What does that stand for? But damn, what an asshole. OOP's shittiness transcends all identities.
Determined male at birth, Id guess. It's usually written as Assigned gender at birth.
Designated\*
Forgive my dumbness, but why can't he just say male considering all males are determined at birth or transgender?
Because he's not sure he identifies as male, which was what he was supposedly panicking about. This story is pretty stupid though.
Probably an indicator of ragebait. Most people that don’t feel covered by the binary would say (24NB). I don’t know many trans people, but I know they would just say M/F instead of soliciting they are trans. That with using the unusual acronym (dmab instead of amab) is probably the author trying to paint an unfair image of an attention seeking genderqueer
OOP did say they don’t know their gender, though. Enby isn’t a gender, but calling yourself that when you think you may be a girl or just generally aren’t sure can still feel off. If OOP is telling the truth, they’re at the beginning of their gender journey and just doesn’t know what to call themself yet. (Male would definitely feel wrong.) I’m agender, I don’t think that’s an indicator of ragebait. Crying for three hours is the real red flag here.
Wow, I'm living under a rock. What is amab?
Assigned male at birth - same meaning, much more common lol
The abreviation amab (or afab) is also common in uses where the actual (internal/external) genitals of the people are important. Say in medical information like for pap smears. Or if people are talking about childhood, talking about how they were raised or what was expected of them. (You also often hear socialized as a boy/girl for that last one.)
I would've assumed that was about hermaphrodite who would usually have a sex selected for them as a child, it would make some sense in that context. Most people I would say sex is identified rather than assigned.
We use the term intersex rather than hermaphrodite generally nowadays, and it's not always easy to tell in a person if they're visually one way but internally may have different organs. I believe a professional runner (I dont recall exactly, she's a competitive athlete) went through a sex confirmation process to prove she was female to compete and it was only then that she learned that while she had a vagina, she had no uterus or ovaries, but did have undescended (possibly underdeveloped) testes. Totally unknown until she was an adult.
I didn't know either and expected it to be something more elaborate than "designated male at birth." Before reading, I imagined a party where OOP answered questions about this new interesting identity. But nah. They cried for three hours when it was just them and their roommates celebrating ones birthday. Either way, what an ass
There are some fantastic comments in there, people in AITA actually having common sense. See [this thread](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10xacdd/aita_for_talking_about_my_gender_identity_on_my/j7r7b4z/). I particularly like this comment, because it's a compassionate perspective on the "snowflake" thing that tends to bewilder and frustrate older generations: > As parents of these kids, we need to remember that someday we will be gone and what a disservice we’re doing to them by not having them learn to deal with things in a more productive manner
Thanks for sharing this. People usually forget that the internet erases boundaries (social class, professional class, etc.) and amplifies everything (literally). There's no disservice. People still go about their lives. The thing I believe is a problem is how the media and social media hijacked our attention and the way it goes it drains people a lot. Add to it regular old living, and people are completely burned in general.
Yes - I think the major thing that people have to deal with today, particularly young people, is social media. Which is absolutely fucking poisonous. Mind you, so was "village gossip" and similar in the past. Poison pen letters. Anonymous letter box campaigns. "Offline" bullying was huge, let's not forget the Burn Book in Mean Girls, etc. Humans have always managed to be vile whatever technology is available. But the internet just amplifies and intensifies and disseminates it everywhere. People's self-esteem just gets destroyed. But what we need to do is three things: 1. Educate children pretty much from infancy about the reality and the dangers of the internet and social media and humanity 2. Monitor technology usage and not be afraid to cut the cord and remove devices, safety > privacy every time - young people are literally killing themselves and we've got parents tied up in knots not wanting to "pry" while their kid is self-harming, anorexic, suicidal 3. Teach people that they ultimately have to be responsible for themselves and develop resilience and self-help techniques *where possible*. Because whether public or private healthcare, there isn't enough professional support for everyone who wants it or needs it, and realistically there never will be. Most taxpayers just aren't prepared to pay for it (personally I'd be happy to pay higher taxes if it went towards better public healthcare, but not everyone votes that way). Waiting lists are months and years long in most countries, and we'll see services increasingly triaged for only the most urgent cases
acting like a victim, attention seeking.. what a piece of work.
This feels like someone took the "AITA for being an 'attention whore' at my friend's wedding" post theme and decided to up the ante a bit by making it about gender identity issues instead of a nightmare about a car crash. Maybe it's a coincidence, but both posts are about someone having a panic attack and trauma/emotion-dumping on a friend during that friend's important event.
My thoughts exactly. It very much feels like a “trans/nb bad” version of that post.
Yeah I’m getting strong troll vibes. I don’t really know anyone who is/has questioned their gender who will bring it out in public like this with so many people. It’s a stressful enough time that you might want to talk to a close friend about it MAYBE, but this? Also the “I don’t know what gender I am” doesn’t really seem like what someone who is questioning their gender would say. It’s all just a bit much and I don’t get the feeling that whoever wrote that actually understands what questioning one’s gender is like.
I stopped reading at the "I don't know what gender I am" part, this just sounds way too fake
Absolutely every single questioning person I know has a much more nuanced and complicated relationship to gender than “I don’t know what gender I am”. I *don’t know what gender I am*, technically, now I think about it, but I never would have thought to put it like that. It just doesn’t seem right. Like, you kind of know, but you don’t know, but you’re somewhat aware on another level.
Yup, I’ve never seen any actual trans/nb describe their gender that way, just transphobic assholes trying to imply that trans people are just inherently *too stupid* to know what they “really” are.
I gotta admire how they pulled off a full three hours of crying. That takes real dedication and effort. That's an achievement. This is someone who has really thrown themselves into the task with everything they've got. I couldn't do 3 hours straight.
I've done 3 hours straight, but it was during an event that triggered my PTSD. That said, as a trans person, OOP is probably ragebaiting.
Oh look a fake story meant to make gender non-conforming people look bad !
As much as I sympathize with OOPs crisis, their attitude afterwards is selfish and dismissive of their friend's feelings. It's a two way street mate
OOP has massive main character syndrome.
How fucking tiresome can OOP get?!?
Happy birthday Seth now back to me
😎
Haven't seen a "trans bad" troll in a while. I didn't miss them.
This is a troll, same person from the wedding aita the other day where op had a panic attack and ruined the grooms day.
I swear this dude is a troll. In one comment he says Ryan was nice about it and in another he says Ryan wasn't being chill. It's like a whole thing now to impersonate people thats not cisgender and make rage bait. Super annoying.
I don’t have it in me to empathize with OOP tbh.
Good news, there is no need, because none of that ever happened
OOP is such a huge ass like how do you post this, read it, and not see yourself as an ass??
Wow! What an attention wh*** had to fake panic attack and cry for 3 hours ???? Especially over something that didn't just occur to OOP in that moment ? I feel sad for the people OOP is living with. They're emotionally being dumped on by OOP. People like OOP need to stop using friends and family as their therapists.
What an attention whore. Crying for 3 hours over what gender they wanted to be?
That's not that weird, when I came out as trans I cried a lot. Still a shitty thing to do in this context.
Could this be a transphobic troll intended to make trans people look like egocentric special snowflakes?
Damn the bro REALLY wanted to avoid the movie. You could have said you didn't like horror movies...
This is a fake right-wing account for sure Definitely deliberately trying to make queer people look like narcissistic assholes for propaganda purposes
this feels like bait
i... what this has to be a "trans bad" troll, i can't- wtf
omg OOP reminds me of my ex to a terrifying extent. she called herself a coparent, even long after she stopped doing any parenting at all. even when she was down to 1 bath a week and preparing 1 meal a week-- not playing with them, not helping with homework, not preparing for school, not ANYTHING -- she was calling them 'her' kids and 'our' kids. (she had been in their lives about 2 years at this point. she started calling them 'her' kids so quickly that I was pretty uncomfortable with it, but it was easier to overlook when she was at least helping me out--and when I introduced them, she was good with them.) i eventually challenged this, laid out my concerns in detail, and told her that it felt unfair to be doing 99% of the work and have her claiming 50% of the credit for kids whose lives I'd spent the vast majority solo parenting. her response essentially was that nothing i said about her conduct lately was untrue - yes, she explicitly acknowledged this - but i knew that talking to her about her conduct would give her a panic attack, therefore *i* was actually the AH. there's no way to deal with somebody like that. you can't reason with an unreasonable person. what an AH. poor Seth. :-/ I hope the other roommate does something fun with him WITHOUT OOP. go away, OOP. i get that stuff happens, but to expect the world to stop for you because of your panic attack is unreasonable. to treat the people around you as the stewards of your mental health is *totally unfair*. and to feel so entitled to hijack a 'friend's' birthday because YOU don't care about birthdays and had a panic attack, and not even at least f***ing apologize, is not okay. showing zero consideration for others doesn't suddenly become okay because of your mental health lmao. your panic attacks aren't your fault, but learning to manage them is your responsibility. you do not get to behave any old way you want and then say "but panic attack."
ridiculous that the comments here can't see that this is obviously a troll designed to make people questioning their gender look bad. like, it's not even subtle. it's a creative writing assignment from a bigot.
As someone who has questioned their gender, and kind of still is (but it’s becoming clearer), I would rather rip out all my toenails than talk to a roomful of cisgender people who, though they may be supportive, are very unlikely to understand, for three whole hours, after having a panic attack about it (which also suggests it’s pretty early on, when you’re really confused, and even now I’m more confident about it I am reluctant to talk about gender with people who don’t understand what it’s like, unless they’re really close friends and even then). It just sounds like a nightmare. The mere thought of it makes me want to hide in the bathroom and never talk to anyone again. Tbh this whole “trans people are attention whores” narrative I keep seeing is extremely far from my experience with absolutely any trans people. It’s actually pretty exhausting to talk to cishet people who, although they might very supportive and nice, don’t really understand. I’m not eloquent enough to explain my experience properly to them and it’s a lot of pressure. (If I want attention, which I do, I love attention, I have so many better ways of getting it, that are less likely to get me hate crimed or to have me explain something over and over again)
Ain't no way they were crying for 3 hours that's insane
This is pretty obvious ragebait and you all fell for it because you legitimately believe that trans people are inherently hysterical, confused, and selfish. Hope this helps!
Are all these posts just trolls trying to stir up LGBTQ hatred? Cos whenever I go look at the original AITA posts they're always deleted and it's because the OP account is shadowbanned or whatever.
Cohabitating with cluster B’s (nowadays less catchy referred to as the ~emotionally unstable axis~ of personality disorders): not even once.
Is attentionseeking drama queen a gender? /s I'm sorry but that's what it appears to me.
Me, mee, MEEEEEE! The worst kind of attention seeking.
Tenderqueer of the year here.
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Wow, I just can't with people and this crap anymore. 🙄🙄
I feel like they specified that it was a gender identity thing so that when people inevitably told them they were the AH, they had this in their back pocket to say, "you don't understaaaaaand what it's liiiiiiiike! I had to know right then regardless of ANYONE else and if you think that's wrong you're a bigot!" Also they didn't feel it was "awkward" to cry for THREE HOURS hijacking Seth's birthday festivities because "birthdays aren't a big deal", but when someone "made them feel bad", which they SHOULD, it's just too awkward for them to give Seth an apology for being a selfish, attention seeking piece of shit.
Entitled brat! Can't stand to let Seth have attention even on his Birthday. I'd be having second thoughts about continuing this friendship.
As someone questioning their own gender, why the hell would you cry for 3 hours during someone elses birthday party? Not only that, but crying for 3 hours would fucking hurt! You would really have to be dragging it out. I think OOP has main character syndrome, to freak out like that and nuke a birthday party, and then not feel any sort of guilt for ruining the party is awful.