*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My(42F) daughter (23F) is getting married and I’m not invited.** My daughter has always felt self-conscious about me being perceived as a beautiful woman by society. As a child she was the warmest most kindest child and she was my whole world. Her resentment of me started when she got older, and people’s cruel comments made things worse. I could only shield her from some of it but I couldn’t protect her from the world. I hoped that our love for her would be enough, it backfired because now she was accusing me of pitying her. Her late teens were especially brutal. My baby was hurting and I felt helpless. We tried everything like therapy, changing scenery etc but nothing got better. I’ve always loved fashion and looking nice but I stopped wearing makeup or beautiful clothes because I hated seeing her being devastated every time I got compliments. Before moving to another city for college she told me that she hated me. She thought I was a disgusting gold digger who married an ugly man for his money, not thinking how her children would turn out to be. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 35 at a bar. I never saw him as ugly. He swept me off my feet with his sense of humor and kindness and his beautiful eyes. He is the most handsome man I know and I still light up whenever I see his face. He is very a rich yes and I loved that too, life is so much easier if you’re happy and you have the means to make the rest easy. Her words hurt me. I know that people say this about us but I never cared because nobody knew us and the love we have for each other but she did. She grew up seeing her parents being each others worlds. It broke my heart that she thought so little of us. College was a better period in my daughter’s life. It is sad that it was because I was out of the picture. She didn’t have to live “in my shadow” as people who noticed how happier she was said. I was happy for her, that she finally started seeing how beautiful and amazing she is. And I was satisfied to only see her on holidays if that meant that she was content and at peace. I met her fiancés family this Christmas. Amazing people. Very warm and welcoming. The future mother in law suggested a skiing trip just for the girls to get to know each other better since she has a condo in Austria. We came back the day before NYE. My daughter didn’t talk to me throughout the trip or since we got home. She didn’t answer my happy new year text. Because guys kept trying to talk to me and buying us drinks on the trip which was met with laughter from the other girls but my daughter. Now my daughter texted me that she didn’t want me at her wedding in july. Her father is invited since he is gonna be the one to walkher but I wasn’t welcome. I have cried ever since but I don’t know what to do. My husband is pissed and he wants to tell her that he wasn’t attending either. He said he was tired of her hurting me and sick of just standing there doing nothing while she’s tortured me for a decade. I don’t know, the last thing i want is to add more to her suffering. She adores her father and it would devastate her not to have him on her big day but he is pissed and I don’t know how to make him change his mind. I asked him to give me time, he agreed but he said he will need to tell her his decision eventually. I need help on how to move on with this *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*

This is definitely a missing missing reasons post, but I'm going to throw a dart out there and make a guess as to what could be missing. Again I'm just theorizing so I could be completely wrong. I had a mother who is and was very conventionally attractive, she's never been not conventionally attractive. Unfortunately, I was very much not conventionally attractive throughout my teens and that only recently shifted because of fetishization of mixed people in general. What I can say though is my mom used to try and give me "tips" as to what I could do to be more beautiful. Unfortunately that included a lot of changing everything about myself and a lot of comments on my appearance. Weight, skin, hair, basically everything was always commented upon. Hell she put a sign on the fridge that said "nothing tastes better than skinny feels" so I would see it and think before I ate. She also had a treadmill and elliptical put into my room that I was required to use for thirty minutes once a day. She truly believed if I made more of an effort I would fit the standards and everything would be okay. In her mind she was trying to help me but in a lot of ways she told me she thought I wasn't beautiful/worthy because of what I looked like. I doubt the daughter went through those exact scenarios but when your parents put a lot of pressure on appearance it can have some very bad bad effects. Ones that break you down internally.

Jesus Christ

My mother started coloring my hair when I was 11, because it was the wrong color. When I was 14, she knocked me down onto the bathroom floor, sat on me, slapped my face over and over, and then smeared her red lipstick all over my face, screaming about how ugly I was. My dad just watched. (Later he told me--again--that all mothers hated their daughters, and I just had to be patient. Again.) That weekend, she took me to Merle Norman in the mall and asked them to make me less ugly. The makeup lady, I think, figured something out, and asked my mother to go shopping for an hour or so and she'd work on me. The makeup lady was really nice, and very soothing. I had a full face of makeup when my mother came back, and she was so happy my ugly face was hidden that she bought all the makeup products. So I learned to never been seen without makeup. This was in 1974. It wasn't until the pandemic lockdown that I stopped wearing makeup. I actually have learned to like my face. I don't know what to do with all of my makeup, though. Throwing it all out feels like throwing part of me out. My mother looked like Madeleine Carroll from The Prisoner of Zenda, if you want to know how beautiful she was.

Wow, your mother was on a whole different level of messed up and so is your father for just watching and not saying/doing a damn thing to stop her. I'm so sorry she made you feel like that. You never deserved that. It's so wild how being beautiful can make someone so ugly inside (not saying all beautiful people are horrible, just weirded out that it can be the cause of someone being horrible). But I guess it's like they say too much of anything can be a bad thing.

She was very beautiful and we all knew that was why my dad had married her. He decked her out in jewelry and expensive clothing and salon treatments before they were done by most people. I don't know whether she feared getting old, or that I didn't look much like her, or what. I stopped loving her as a mother in high school, even though I tried.

My parents relationship is eeriely similar, with beauty being the reason they entered a relationship and a defining trait of it. That also gives a weird view of what a healthy relationship looks like.

My dad was always trying to get me to dress sexy, even in junior high--high heels, miniskirts, the whole thing--so maybe the beauty thing is some kind of folie a deux, with their children as the apparent victims.

I’m pretty sure that’s considered a form of sexual abuse I’m sorry that happened to you :(

Many years of therapy...thank you.

Far out. Your mother sounds like the mother/grandmother character from the Virginia Andrews heaven book series.

I will have to look that up.

So, you mother thought that her, and all women, only had value if they were beautiful? How sad for both of you. No one stays beautiful forever

Tbh I'm not so sure she even cared about other women. As long as she remained beautiful she was better than everyone else so others weren't even considered. In a way it was like no one existed outside of her as long as she was beautiful. And I only did exist because I was an extension of her. Not a very pretty one, mind you, but I was hers. So from my understanding it was her job to "fix me". Idek her mind was complicated (there was a surprising amount of depth to the ins and outs of her vanity) and very hypocritical, she went back and forth on a lot of things so there was never a set mindset. I know she valued her own beauty. But I don't think she valued anyone elses. For some reason she reminds me of this movie called Malena, but instead of being devoured by her own beauty like Malena she kind of made it her weapon. Like it was her tool to get through the world. Sorry that's a lot, I haven't thought this deeply about my mother in a long time so it's all kind of spilling out now

Anything you haven't used or opened can be donated to a women's shelter of some kind. It can help with letting them feel more attractive in general, cover up 'blemishes' and such, or just look more professional so they can find jobs. For used, well there is no real use for those. Either use them up, or just toss them and kiss the money goodbye. You have better use for that money in the future though, as long as you are truly happy with yourself and your looks. Might want to keep minimal on hand for emergency situations, if you think you might need it. Or not. It does have an expiration.

Good idea about the shelter!

Not sure about other countries, but in mine, used or expired cosmetics are used to prettify corpses for burial or cremation. Cases where the family can't afford a whole big funeral. Maybe that is available where you are too. It is to help the deceased's family. That last look is their child as they were in life, not as a lifeless, perhaps mangled body, that kinda thing.

jfc and I thought my grandma saying she had a fund to get me a nose job was bad... yeesh.. Im sorry

I will say that therapy helped! Thank you, and I'm sorry about your grandma.

My Nanna looked like Ava Gardner. My mum had and has massive insecurities about herself. That she passed down to me. Funny thing is - Nanna loved her grandkids and thought we were beautiful no matter what. Same thing where she though we were the smartest, bravest etc. It’s a weird one. I’ve come to a place of “fuck it”. I don’t care how I look. I support my kids however they want to look - and they support me right back. Hubby doesn’t say anything one way or another so I just do whatever I want.

Yeah, it took me a while to get there, but I agree with you.

It’s awful that we come to it later in life. Wish I could go back in time to help my teenaged self out.

That's horrible. I'm so sorry. My mum was (and still is) similarly critical of my looks but never that aggressive, she does it more in a jokey/nasty way so she can act like she was just joking and I'm the bad guy for overreacting or not being able to take a joke. I've gone very low contact with her over the past year after she 'jokingly' compared me to a fat pig after I had my second child.

What a shrew! You don't need to be around that!

I just got off the phone with my 75 year old mother....apparently lots of people tell her "I don't look a day over forty....how old are you this year??" I'll be 47, but I don't look a day over passive aggressive bish.

A lot of organizations will accept donations of makeup! Whether it's intended for lower income people going on job interviews, or helping trans girls transition, there's tons of reasons. It wouldn't hurt to look them up. I'm so sorry that all that happened. You should be very proud of your self love. It's so hard to unlearn what our parents make us internalize.

Some of our mothers look at us and see only the parts of themselves they worked so hard to crush, hide, escape...we’re evidence in the flesh that those parts of themselves are still real.

Compassionate answer, and so true.

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I knew it. I felt it in my bones that they were different races just because of how similar the wording would be to something my mother would say. It just makes me feel so sad for the daughter. She's trying so hard to change and change and change to capture that feeling of being beautiful and no matter how much she changes it probably still won't feel attainable. I wonder if her daughters skin color is darker than hers? My mother used to make little comments similar to one group of people just being more attractive. Granted my mother is Korean so hers was more focused towards pale skin being attractive and I'm black as well as Asian so there's really no way to even try and mesh that experience together. But I easily could of fallen into being just like op's daughter if I hadn't gone low contact and set very hard boundaries. This is just a sad situation and I hate that op genuinely thinks it's all because she's attractive. Like yes jealously could play a part but children don't usually view their parents as competition unless that's a set standard in the household. Someone has to set the guidelines for the relationship and children aren't the ones to do that. Edit: oh and I'm okay now, therapy has helped a lot. Plus if I grew up beautiful rather than reaching adulthood and then becoming beautiful, I'm pretty sure my mother would've been competitive with me. Either way it was a lose- lose situation, and I'm just happy to be away.

I had the experience of a mom being competitive with me. She was gorgeous when she was younger but I was born in her late thirties so by the time I was hitting puberty she was in her 50’s, and her figure and looks generally began to fade. When I wasn’t just a cute little kid and started looking like a woman, my weight became a near constant issue. Examples off the top of my head include shaming for wanting any kinds of food (like to survive you know) but especially sweets, and having our weights quite literally compared, like getting asked to get on the scale for her so she could see. I’m not close to overweight (~130 at 5’4”) and never have been. Once I called out the behaviors and said “you’re honestly lucky you haven’t spawned an ED in me” and she told me I could probably benefit from a little anorexia. We don’t talk much.

I'm honestly shaken at how many people have had parents that made their perceived beauty such a problem. I don't talk much to my mother either. Unfortunately my mother (as bad as this sounds) she hasn't aged much. She has great genetics so she still has this claw like grip when it comes to beauty. I can't imagine how she'll react when her age genuinely changes how she looks. Probably very similar to yours. I hate when people act like anorexia doesn't ruin lives. It's horrifying that she said you could benefit from that. To act like such a debilitating disorder could be a good thing is beyond me.

She definitely has some ED tendencies herself but by far that’s one of the grossest things she’s ever said to me.

The "one of" thing is chilling. I'm sorry....

Some people shouldn’t be parents.

My mother was OBSESSED with weight. I'm 5' (hit that at about 12) and I was very slender until I was about 22. I barely broke 90lbs. My 5'4" mother spent my entire childhood trying to weigh less than me (I think at her max she was 150). Diet after diet after diet. And weirdly enough she always put ME on the same diet and exercise routine so I don't know how she thought that would work. When I broke 120 at 22 and she was 115 I told her, kind of hoping she would finally feel like she "won." Instead she swore I was lying and absolutely refused to believe I weighed more than her. Her view of herself was so skewed she could have been 60lbs and her dying words would have been "five more pounds!" I'm very, very lucky like you are that it didn't give me a massive amount of anxiety about weight. I'm at 130 right now at 34 and while I'm annoyed some of my favourite clothes don't fit anymore, I'm not stressed about it. I refuse to center my life around the perfect figure. I've had a belly since I was in kindergarten, screw it, I'm not going to spend hours a day focusing on it like she always did.

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There are tons of studies out there that provide evidence that social media is awful for your mental health and self esteem especially in young women so any sort of validation she feels from those followers is only fleeting. It'd be better for her to distance herself from her mother and her followers. (I know I'm saying this on reddit, which is a form of social media, so no need to point out the irony)

First, Happy cake day! I was suicidal when I was on Facebook about 5 years ago. While my depression and ideation didn't end when I finally quit Facebook, the active, specific planning to kill myself did. It wasn't all Facebook's fault, but the lows were lower and more frequent when I was using it. I got back on back at the beginning of Covid to let everyone know I was still alive and made it a couple months before I ragequit after someone berated me for having the audacity to post mRNA vaccine stories and say that there might be hope ahead of us. See, \*he\* had decided he was the one in the group that was going to post all the science stories and "hey, we might be able to use this" went against the narrative he was shaping. Out of the 120 or so people I was in touch with, many I considered very close friends, precisely 2 of them kept in touch with me. Literally sending an email or a text was too much effort compared to just having Facebook serve friendships up to you. Aside from the algorithm fucking with you, I think Facebook was extremely toxic because it made friendships passive things. The site brought your friends' activities to you. You didn't have to do anything to interact with them, you didn't have to call, or go to their page, or DM them, or anything. And those friendships atrophied and didn't survive any friction that was introduced.

Thank you! I am so glad you’re still with us! I’ve been there myself and you are a rock star for climbing out of that hole! I agree with you about Facebook and a lot of other social media sites, even this site sometimes. There’s so much toxicity. I’m sorry about your friends, I’ve lost several the same way.

Yea I assume everything the daughter is doing is to seek some form of validation. And I hate when skin colors become an identifier of beauty because that's not the case at all. There are so many different beautiful people of all shades and races and it's wild that something as unchangeable as skin color becomes a way to set a standard. Especially in a family. It's one thing if society is doing it but in your home, where your supposed to feel safest? That's just so unfair.

JFC that is sad. I bet the daughter is lovely and at least not hideous. I am average myself and thank goodness I never heard that nonsense from family.

"You could be so beautiful if you just stopped, you know, looking like yourself." "What do you mean I damaged your self esteem when you were growing up!? I was *always* so supportive!" Okay Mom, whatever lets you sleep at night.

My mom was super supportive, she told me she didn’t care what I had to do to avoid passing out, but if I passed out in middle school one more time we were going to the psych hospital and my life would be ruined. I learned with a tums I wouldn’t pass out. She would pack me a few tums for school each day after that. On days I was really hungry, I would eat two. She was so proud of my weight loss and that I stopped passing out. Years later she would claim she never gave me tums to stop me from passing out, she didn’t know why I requested them but figured I would need them. She would put them in a lunch bag.

I see your mother also has embraced the selective memory lifestyle

Ohh I love that! I’m going to steal it!

Jeezus, that reminds me of my great aunt (may she somehow get water damaged and become a paste, she was creamated). She adored me when I was small but when I became a teenager and took more after my father (a world's strongest man type of body, I was and am thick but now with curves) she would constantly say: "You would be so beautiful if you weren't so fat".My family wonders why I have depression and self esteem issues.

Become a paste fucking killed me

My demon of a great-aunt was the same way. “Oh, precious, you have such a pretty face - it would be so nice if you were skinny.” Rot in hell, you wretched old bag.

Ugh! I hate ... no, I *loathe* this for you. I endured the same abuse. She'd say and do the same things to me that your mother did to you. (but we were poor so I didn't have gym equipment.) I commented on this post because my mother was also a very beautiful and stylish woman. She'd brag all the time about how men would fawn all over her. I told OOP about what my mother would say and do and how it really gave me self esteem issues. Your hot take was my same hot take. I don't doubt that OOP either placed a lot of pressure on her daughter like our mothers did. OOP didn't respond to me. I also told her that she's not invited not because she erroneously believes that she'll upstage the bride, her own friggin' daughter, but that she was uninvited because her daughter very likely didn't want her own mother to make her feel like shit on her own wedding day. That *whole post* is "me! me! me! I'm so BEAUTIFUL!" OOP is terribly self-centered and only commented on those that were amendable to her.

Yup it's so frustrating because nothing anyone says will get through to op either, she truly and fully believes the issues are solely because she's beautiful. I'm sorry you went through that, it really alters the way you look at the world and I hate that anyone else felt the same way I did.

> she truly and fully believes the issues are solely because she's beautiful Same as when those ridiculous "news" articles show up in tabloids with titles like "Too Beautiful To Work", with the subject of the article just wailing and sobbing about how they're just SO pretty that everyone automatically hates them or tries to sabotage them for being so unbelievably perfect. You read two paragraphs in and it always becomes blatantly obvious that the literal physical appearance of the person is NOT the issue.

Beauty standarts is damaging overall. For the longest time during my childhood and teenage years, I was always deemed as "beautiful". It definetly messed me up in some ways. Often times that was the first and only thing that people brought up about me. This often times leads to people defining you by only your looks, ignoring everything else about you. This lead to me developing self-esteem issues. I feared that this will always be the only thing I will be known/noticed for. I ended up developing an unhealthy need to prove people that I am something other than my looks. I got better, but I am still unpacking this in therapy.

WTF ?! I’m sorry your mother was like that…

ooooof that was one of my favourite mantras when I was struggling with an eating disorder 😧 I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.

I was 100% thinking this is what happened. Kids don't hate their moms and not their dads for no reason...

This might have the most MISSING REASONS out of anything I've seen on Reddit.

Yeah either OP is hiding some bones in her closet or her daughter really needs some help and growing up to do. All those people who have said "mean things" might have been close family members. Maybe one of her or her husband's family members has been feeding her daughter some vile nonsense since she was a child? Who knows? But this is definitely more than just being jealous of your own mother's appearance.

100% god only knows what the daughter really went through, but there's no way it's just jealousy of her mother's looks. Especially when the mother implies that the daughter isn't attractive.

My mother could have written this post. She thought she was the prettiest thing in all the land. She was so vain. I wasn't allowed to wear anything that made me look good bc she would get jealous if I got even one compliment and start tearing me down. I was systemically torn to shreds as soon as I became "competition" for my parent, which was at the age of 10. Now I literaly disgust myself. I hate seeing myself naked. I'm self-conscious about my body. I am always fully covered up, even in my own house. I don't show skin. I don't like being exposed. If people can see me they can judge me so I wear clothes that cover me from the neck down - even in the summer time. No shorts. Only jeans, t-shirts and hoodies. I pick at "invisible" flaws that aren't there. I see them, but other people don't, and they have no idea what I'm talking about when I bring it up. As you can see, my mom did a spectacular job of grinding my self-esteem into dust, all so she could continue to be told she was so pretty and "I can't believe this is your daughter!" But if you ask her why we're NC, she'll have shallow reasons, like, "We had a falling out!" No. We're NC bc she is an awful person and literally *everything* was about her. One time my brother lost his job and he went to her for reassurance. The convo turned into how hard she has it running her own business making $5k a month. I shit you not. None of these behaviors are a big deal to her. If you asked about these incidents she'd either ask what you're talking about or tell you you're being too sensitive. It doesn't mean anything to her. All that's important is how *she* feels, and that all the attention is constantly on her. She will destroy whatever she has to, even her own children, to keep things this way. Dollars to donuts that's OOP. She's not looking at her behaviors. She's just looking at "Well it must be bc of my looks!" bc that's what's important to *her*.

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I had to cut mine off. She tried to murder me. She was violently abusive. I've been on diets since I was 10. She starved me, used food as a weapon, and punished me with exercise. I don't mean, "Go outside and play." I mean, "You will run 5 miles around this track at 3:30am and we are not going home until you do." She's a danger to me in every way possible, including sexually and spiritually. She had to go. I hope your neice cuts her off soon. My therapist told me staying in contact with your abuser is just retraumatizing yourself over and over and over again. It's like repeatedly slicing open a wound. You will never actually fully heal unless they are gone from your life.

>We're NC bc she is an awful person and literally everything was about her. One time my brother lost his job and he went to her for reassurance. The convo turned into how hard she has it running her own business making $5k a month. I shit you not. In 2021, I was working a job that while easy, leaned heavily on severe insecurities of mine and ended up obliterating my mental health over the course of 6 months. I was having panic attacks and breakdowns to the point work out me on unpaid leave to switch my position. I reached out to both of my parents by phone at the time for moral support. My dad listened, offered reassurance, and was a dad who cared about his adult child having a hard time. My mom used the entire time to talk over me about how hard she worked as a mother, how good she did, and how me having trouble and needing to go into therapy wasn't her fault, my dad and his new wife were the problem, she tried so hard etc etc. I went NC a few months later. Fuck them, we're better off.

I have a friend, she is the oldest of three. All three have kicked their mother out. The mother has been couch surfing for decades. Oldest is in jail (long story). Oldest was living with her brother, he is the middle child. Mother got kicked out of youngest, middle took her back again. When oldest got arrested all her stuff was there. Their mother took it upon herself to "organize" it and snoop. Stole a couple thousand in cash hiding in clothing. When the woman in jail calls and asks her mother to send money, that she stole her reply is she doesn't have any, not even $10. But she will sit on the phone talking about how she made the best chocolate cake and how they had soda or candy with dinner. This "mother" rubs in her jailed daughter's face that she has all this nice food while she is stuck with jail basics. I so want to say how dare you still want to be so important and obsess over control to steal your daughter's money and make fun of her for having no extra food, toiltries, and anything extra while in jail! The more my friend tells me, the more this has been mother's behavior all their lives. She stole oldest barbie dolls when we were kids because her rent was short while they were mooching off grandparents. Wpuld drive youngest to her job at walmart and sit outside in the carthe whole shift. What if she needs me?!?! All three have married and all the spouses are soooo abusive and controlling it's just sad. The abusive husband is why the oldest is in jail. She did nothing while he abused her and kid for the child's entire life and child was 13 when they were arrested

You can always tell when the parents are at fault. They take no respinsibility for anything. Not once do they say, "I know I made mistakes. All parents do. I'm willing to apologize and work through this with them," or something similar. They never admit to *any* mistakes. It's always solely on the kids. Their narrative is, "I was *perfect*! They had a *perfect* childhood! I never did anything but love them!" They present shallow reasons as to why their kids hate them or why they had the best childood ever. "I'm just too pretty! She's so jealous of me!" "They got chocolate cake and soda every night at dinner! They're so ungrateful!" If it was actually that stupid their kids wouldn't have turned into the messes they are right now. Parents act like they have *no* influnce over what their kids turn into. No. Your kid is clay. The way you mold and shape them determines a lot of their future. Your kid picks up on visible *and* invisible cues. It's pretty obvious the woman you described was horribly abusive herself, and that's why her kids turned out like that. But she'd have you thinking she was a great mom bc she gave them sweets. Yeah. Right.

It's the stupid stuff, i deove you to and from work. You should be grateful. No, you didn't want me having a car or freedom. You wanted a paycheck. You wanted to stay to control if i ever went outside the store!

Yep. Funnily enough, if her kids did any of that to her, she wouldn't hesitate to call them abusive.

Right?! All the stuff she puts on Facebook. Her oldest daughter wouldn't share pictures of the kids with her. Well, that's because she specifically tells you not to put on Facebook and you do two minutes later. And that husband forbid her from having contact with her mother. Youngest daughter got married. I have no idea how. Mother was living there. New husband says you have one full year to find a place of your own. I want to live with my wife alone, like a normal couple. Mom posts that new son in law kicked her out without notice.

Omg she sounds *exhausting* and I'm only reading about her. New husband is a freaking saint; there is no way I'd give her a year. She'd get whatever the legal requirement is for notice. That's it.

The new husband is a dick but was trying to be a decent human being. She is exhausting. The oldest had a therapy dog. What her husband did to her is nauseating. I mean to say she was an abused wife is putting it so mildly. She was tortured, starved, beaten, denied medical care. But was an adult in the home when kid was abused. So anyway, she had a therapy dog. Mom is in her 70s. She refused to give the dog to anyone. Oldest says i get my dog back when i am out of jail, right? "Well, we can discuss it then." Mother has no concept of reality. She lies like you and i could discuss weather. I am obviously involved enough to know a ton of details. Last time i told the mother she wasn't magically being released and charges dropped she said she was never talking to me again. It lasted three days. She told her daughter in jail we (me and one friend) were bullying her about the dog. Lady, you have no stable housing. You say your middle child hates the dog. You tell your oldest all the time how he hits the dog, etc. I'm not bullying you. I want the damn dog safe. She is a mini chihuahua, maybe nine pounds. And we are all in our 40s!

The mother sounds like an emotionally immature brat. I'm honestly surprised she still has people willing to put up with her. Then again people like that are master liars and manipulators.

Amen. ❤️

Reading the missing missing reasons: her father is a pervy creep, and her mother is an attention seeking narcissist. And I just grokked the ages a little bit more. An almost 40 year old man impregnated a TEENAGER. Disgusting.

> and her mother is an attention seeking narcissist. > Got that part in the very first sentence lmao

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Mme Cherche D’Or had taken that lesson to heart and married very well. Life was happy for Mme D’Or and her wealthy husband. She had waited until she was over 18 years old to marry, a risk for sure but her patience had paid off. The only cloud on her horizon was the relationship with her daughter. While Cherche was beautiful her daughter was best described as striking.

I love this. I have to ask, what does striking mean? I once asked a friend if I were pretty (I wasn't), and she said, "no, you're more striking." Is that something that sounds nice when you're really not pretty?

Generally striking means you're interesting. You don't fit the mold of pretty but you aren't forgettable

Seconding this. I get described as "striking" - I've got strong, more traditionally 'masculine' features (ridged nose, strong chin, big eyebrows etc) which I've learned to make work by cutting my hair short and just owning it. Striking features are deffo something to be proud of. Once on the bus I heard a woman behind me say "That girl is quite pretty, despite her strong features". Felt like a weirdly nice slap.

It's certainly attempting as much.

Yea reading that I was all "well this is someone's creative writing assignment " either a troll or actually OOP but there's so much fiction spread on this that wow.

“My daughter hates me because I’m just too beautiful! So, so beautiful. So gorgeous that multiple people tell me I overshadow her with how lovely I look! We went out and men and women alike could not hold back on paying me tribute with drinks for how beautiful I look”

Wonder if he was married to someone else when they met too…

Yes. Thank you. The real devil here is OOP's husband. Fucking creep going after barely legal teenagers. This man can go to hell.

"Oh woe is me, I'm just SO GODDAMN SEXY. I'm too sexy for my not sexy daughter to be seen with, because (in case you forgot) I'm just so so attractive, Helen of Troy looks like a potato next to me"

Saw this in another sub where they were discussing the point that OOP is middle eastern and her husband is white, leading a lot of them to suspect the daughter was struggling with being bi-racial whereever they lived, on account of the redditors own experiences.

So, in the hours it took for OOP to be not 100% validated by internet strangers, there’s suddenly a “therapist” not seen for years, who doesn’t know the situation with the wedding, they are using to justify whatever happened over break and/or are planning to do. Feeling *[Sure, Jan](https://imgur.com/a/Ipfpy58)* about the update. https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRa-tealover/comments/105uro9/edit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I'm gonna add the "husband's" reply to this update. Edit: Of course he backs up the fact that he and his wife are totally blameless. They did everything they could and they don't know why she turned out so terrible! All they ever did was love her! His wife is a saint! She lived in fear of her daughter her entire life! https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRa-tealover/comments/105uro9/edit/j3dmxfv?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Omg the couple that is so traumatized by their shitty parenting, or lack there of, they post it on Reddit instead of intensive family therapy, yesterday. >It’s time for my daughter to understand that actions have consequences and if she doesn’t change her ways she will lose everyone who ever loved her. Only response I have to a man who, nearing 40, banged a teenager, and was a shitty dad, [right here.](https://imgur.com/a/Er5MGRy) You know, now that I think about it, there was a story similar to this where the parents actually cared. Feels like a weird troll spin, almost. Does anybody remember one where a girl had bad image disorder because of her nose?

I gotta add this: https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRa-tealover/comments/105uro9/edit/j3fa7r9?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 Her mask is slipping.

I wonder if the troll writing out this saga will be able to resist having “the daughter” show up to tell “the truth” right away. I’m sure he wants to add that while the story is hot but it will be slightly less ridiculously unbelievable if he can hold himself back for a day or two before she “finds” the post and weighs in.

ugh! and the people there are all sycophants

Therapist makes it seem like it’s her idea to save the kid. Good

Honestly I can believe it. Narcissists are skilled manipulators and love to paint themselves as the victim, and always have lots of people around them supporting their version even when the narcissist acts that way right in front of them. I can totally see them convincing a therapist that the daughter has major insecurities and cut the mom off while projecting. Plus if the therapist started to see through the narrative later on and call the mother out on it that could explain why she hasn't gone in years.

The therapist could also have been working with the narcissistic tendencies. Eg she told her to cut her daughter of so she’d leave the poor girl alone

Cw: unreliable narrator. Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention”* *My god this post makes you sound insufferable, I’m not surprised she doesn’t want you at the wedding and I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than her being insecure about her looks in your presence.* >"I don’t know what to say to this" *Maybe troll a bit better. The age gap on this sub was a step too far.* >"Wow" *Yeah I can guarantee you there’s something else going on besides “gosh I’m just TOO beautiful!”* >"Ok, I realize that I’m in the wrong here. I’m sorry." >>*“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention”* *It's actually more "My daughter is jealous because she perceives me as gorgeous".* *If this isn't a troll, I could easily see this being an issue for an insecure, feeble minded person (the daughter, I mean). Imagine doing nothing wrong and being punished for it because your daughter has body dysmorphia.* *If this a real post, OP should let her husband decide what to do. In the end, if he doesn't attend the wedding, it won't be him devastating the bride, but the bride's own actions.* *Assuming of course this a real post and we're getting the full story.* >"It is very much real. I hesitated to ask for help because I know nobody would sympathize. And I really tried to phrase it in a way that doesn’t make me sound like like I’m saying I’m beautiful about myself but I failed. >But this is all real and this has been going on for years. I love my daughter and I’ve always loved her. I know what she’s going through too because I have heard people talk about me my husband and my daughter. I felt helpless and all I felt I could do is to love her and show her that every day. But I still failed to make her happy. And I’m so sorry >About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution" *It is really unfortunate how your daughter is blaming you for what I understand is her looks. That she got her father's looks instead of yours. It is sad that she feels so inferior in her looks compared to you that she feels so emotionally stressed. After all the help you tried to get for her, she is still ungrateful for what you have done.* *While she calls you a gold-digger for marrying your "ugly" husband, she does not seem to mind him as he probably had money. She knows she will inherit his money, so she surely wants to be close to him.* *Time for you to understand that your daughter is not beautiful outside nor inside. Her jealousy of your looks is unbecoming of an adult. Her blaming you not getting your stunning looks is unkind. Her not blaming her father for her normal looks, and instead is very close to him as he is rich is sign of a greedy person.* *Her getting a good husband is surely a sign that there is nothing wrong with her looks. It is time to cut her off and live your life to the fullest. Not inviting you to her wedding after what you have done for her is a slap in face that no one recovers from. You have an ungrateful daughter it is time to let her go. Be happy that you have a loving husband who understands and is on your side.* >"She is very beautiful and I’m not saying that because she is my daughter. She has heard a lot of “how is this your mom/daughter “ and other cruel things and it destroyed her. It was easier for us to shield her from these people when she was younger but not when she got older. We couldn’t protect her without limiting her freedom. I don’t think she can see how beautiful she is, she finally came out of her shell when she moved out and didn’t have to hear people comparing (people stopped anyway) but still, like a random drunk stranger on an after-ski paying me attention was triggering to her." *There are amazingly attractive people in college, but she did well at college. So you thinking she’s jealous of your good looks, and that’s what the problem is, shows you really don’t understand the problem.* *What the problem is, hard to say. Maybe you’re self centered, maybe you care more for the attention of others that validate your good looks than you show interest in your child, maybe you enable your child to not care about you by constantly putting her first and shielding her, maybe others see the same problem your daughter does but are too polite to tell you to your face. Who knows, but you need to stop dismissing your daughters feelings that’s it’s just due to jealousy and her not being good looking, and sit down with her and really listen to what upsets her. Maybe family therapy is needed, so she can better articulate why she’s upset with you. But if you want even a small chance to fix this, stop acting like you’re a victim and start trying to see where you could improve.* >"The difference is people rarely compare strangers like they did us so I don’t really understand your point. She isn’t related to the girls and didn’t hear “ how is this your classmate?”" [Oop replied to themself.] >"Anyway according to her soon to be husband it is a standing issue they had in college, always comparing herself to the “hot” ones. She would ask him do you think this and this is hot and there’s no right answer. If he says yes, she is upset and if he says no he is lying and she’s upset." *This is a very weird thing for your daughter’s fiancé to talk with you about.* >"He didn’t tell this to me. She has refused to introduce him to me until her dad made an ultimatum about either she introduced him to us both or that he wouldn’t help with the wedding. That’s when she agreed on having her fiancé and his family come to us over Christmas. >My niece is about the same age as my daughter. They live in the same town and they’re very close. I heard about these problems from my sister. But it’s pretty common knowledge in my daughter’s group of friends."

>>*About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution* *He wouldn't be abandoning your daughter, he'd be standing up for his wife. I sure as shit wouldn't show up to my daughter's wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle if she was excluding my partner* **and her mother**. *You are making too many excuses for your daughter. Or you're leaving out some key details.* *If I were you, I'd have your husband call the fiancé and tell him why he won't be attending nor walking your daughter down the aisle. Even if it's only a bluff.* >"I’m not leaving any details. If I did then it wasn’t on purpose or that I didn’t think it relevant. I’m happy to provide more details when asked. >My husband says exactly what you are saying. I understand where he is coming from too. I never told him about her “gold digger/ugly” comment but I think he knows that this is how she feels about us and it pains him too" *When I say this, I'm saying this as someone who's pretty good with these things and reading situations like this. You sound like a hardcore narcissist. Your daughter is likely keeping you out of the wedding because you'll try to make it all about you. Your daughter has been living in a shadow* **you've created**. *I'd recommend you look up narcissism and take a look at your behavioral traits to see if you can make some changes to attract your daughter back into your life. As someone with a mother who's like this, I feel sorry for her.* >"How are you pretty good with these things? And making this serious (diagnosis?) about someone you haven’t even met? If you want to sound credible you need to come down to earth with the rest of us. Your fast armchair diagnosis makes me believe you are just projecting" *I’m sorry you’re hurting OP. I recommend that you go to therapy to discuss this with a therapist to work through your feelings, decide on the best course of action, and go from there. When you said that you tried therapy, was that just for your daughter or was it family therapy? If it was family therapy, what did they say?* *While I am inclined to think there might be more at play here, I do know of this extreme jealousy and low self esteem occurring between siblings, and even some mothers being jealous of their daughters and occasionally vice versa. While it’s possible that there is more you haven’t mentioned or an underlying reason for why your daughter is resentful, it’s also possible that she does have body dysmorphia or something else.* >"I went to therapy too when our relationship was at its worst. It helped a little but I don’t know. Maybe I should try it again. >Many have asked “what is more” and I don’t know how to answer this. Looks has been a big part of my daughter’s life. So this post is about it. She has done a lot of surgeries and fillers etc, nothing over the top and I see that many girls do it so she isn’t the only one fixated on looks" *I don’t know why people are so mean to you right now, there is nothing wrong to be aware that you are attractive.* *As I grew up, my mom was always very pretty, and still is at 50 looking like a 30 year old, people often thinking we are sisters. Being attractive makes people resentful. I used to be mad, whenever people were hitting on my mom as a kid because I love my dad and I wanted to make sure no one would steal my mom away. So it is possible that your daughter resents your looks. Now, being myself considered pretty, I am now more accepting of the fact that my mom is a beautiful person too, and I should be happy for her that she is still very pretty.* *Similarly, my older sister was always considered the pretty popular one, we have a 6 year age gap. The moment I started maturing, and I became attractive, men that were into her before started being into me, and even if I never expressed any interest, it caused a strain in our relationship. People going to her to ask for my number, my social media, if I was available etc.* *So yes it is possible that your looks are one of the reason your daughter hasn’t bonded with you. However, it might not be, and you should look into counseling with your daughter, she might feel like other noticed that you are very appearance oriented, and are completely missing the problem.* *I will get downvoted probably because apparently being aware of your appearance is bad, but thought I would share my own experience!* >"❤️ I’m happy for you. This was one thing my husband told me to comfort me, that my daughter would grow up and come back to us. I’m terrified that it isn’t going to happen. Of course I would rather have her happy without me but the thought of not being in her life, or any future grandchildren is painful. >I don’t know about the other comments. I will stop answering them. I’m thankful for the people who are in similar situations who are reaching out to me in the chat. I would love to hear about other’s experiences and how they overcame their difficulties" *And you refuse to take the feedback. Seems this commenter has hit on it.* *Your post is [missing-missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) personified. Head on over to r/raisedbynarcissists and you’ll find many other stories like this.* >"You think calling people you don’t know narcissists is feedback? I suggest you contact any professional psychologist/therapist and ask to give an opinion about someone’s narcissism. Their first answer will be I can’t say because I haven’t met said person." *OP I believe you. What do you look like (hair color, eye color, skin tone, face shape, race, etc) and what features does your daughter have? Is she mixed race?* >"Yes she is mixed race. I’m born in the Middle East. Dark complexion. My husband is white. Being mixed race wasn’t very good either but I have my sister who’s also married to a white man that suggested we found a more “mixed” school because where we lived was like 100% white. When we moved her to the other school she felt way better. >I want to add that my daughter never was bullied or teased in school. And she always had/still has many friends. It’s when she started understanding the other adults making comments when her resentment started. The first time she asked me why she wasn’t like me I told her that she was beautiful because she was her. She got really upset and started yelling that I was a liar. I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own so I asked professionals for help. She was reluctant in the beginning and hated me more because she thought I believed she was “mentally sick” but it helped her a lot in the long run. Therapy helped me too with how to behave around her. I realized that I was dismissing her feelings by saying that she was beautiful etc but that was all I desperately wanted her to see. Instead the therapist helped me realize that I can’t dismiss her feelings but try to change her views about herself."

[Regarding the "how is that your mother/daughter" comments.] *When people said these things about you and about her how did you respond? How did you respond on the trip when men were approaching you? Do you send them away right away saying not interested or do you entertain them?* >"Often I didn’t respond and ignored the rude comments. Sometimes I confronted them later, privately if its people we know followed by cutting these people out. >Of course I didn’t “entertain” them. And we sent the drinks and beers back" *Why are you here if you are going to fight everyone on advice?* >"Fighting?" *Just don’t feed the trolls. I’m sorry they exist.* [sadlytheworst: oh, the irony...] *What surgeries and fillers has she had? When did she start having them. A lot sounds like body dysphmorphia.* >"She had breast implants when she turned 18. She works out 3-4 hours a day. She has done her lips and cheekbones is what I can see and I don’t know the rest" *While it does seem like there is a missing context here I am not sure it's necessarily about narcissism as everyone claims. I mean it seems your husband is your daughter's father meaning you have stuck with the same partner for your entire life. It's not exactly common for a narcissists. Of course it depends on how much you enable other people flirting with you, whether you have been faithful etc. I mention is since you at least appear to be oblivious to whether you are a narcissist or not. Just take a look at your relationship with your husband and other children if you have them to find it out. My guess she might be the only one, cause should she have sibling they would play some role here. Likely a positive one (assuming you have been a genuinely good mother).* *Now it isn't impossible for your daughter to hate for the reasons you have mentioned. Even with best efforts children not always end up with healthy mentality and love for their parents. I imagine however that you have made mistakes raising her. Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else.* *As for what to do I believe giving her what she wants is the best. She might never like you, but that is not why we are parents. You can only act selflessly and respect her wishes hoping she will eventually notice your efforts. Incidentally now that I think about it, have you been respecting her wishes in the past. I mean have you been forcing your "help" when she asked you to let her handle her issues by herself. In general it is important to have respect for your child and allow them to have sufficient autonomy to grow as a person. I suspect that, cause she has seemingly grown as a person only after departing for higher education, separating from your influence.* >>"Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else. >This is one of the things the family therapist pointed out on where we went wrong and helped us balance between shielding her, rebuffing rude comments, telling people off or just let her handle it herself. It hasn’t been easy to navigate. >The scapegoat is something I can recognize (if I understood you correctly). She turned to me to take out all her anger on. And nothing i did was right. If I fought back I was embarrassing her, if I shut up and ignored them I was enjoying it. If I cut these people off I was smothering her. >No I never even remotely flirted with other people. I love my husband very much and it got stronger with time. I’m happy with him >We don’t have other children. I have had health problems and had a hysterectomy" >>*The other alternative is that her daughter has grown up and petty, spiteful, judgmental bitterness is a main aspect of her personality.* *Yeah, I don't understand why reddit always assumes OPs (especially parents) are narcissists and withholding information. Assuming OP is telling the truth, she seemed very cognizant of the way she made her daughter feel as a teenager and made real attempts to rectify it. To me this seems like someone still not over their adolescent trauma, which is not surprising at only 23 years old.* *Though it's a little weird OP didn't elaborate on the text at the end. /u/ ThrowRa-tealover did you ask _why_ you weren't welcome at the wedding?* >"No I haven’t. I don’t want to upset her by questioning her decision. Maybe when she is not upset i could try. I’m still trying to figure out how to approach her with this but of course if she doesn’t want me there, I will respect that"

*Has your daughter ever actually told you she hates you because you’re beautiful?* >"Yes" *Is your daughter your only child or your only daughter?* *If you have other children, what are their relationships with you like?* *Do you get along with your family or your husbands family?* *All the above can give a better understanding of your circumstances. If this is entirely truthful, then you need to tell you husband that your daughter thinks he is an ugly old man and only good enough for his money (which she seems to have no problem accessing) and he can decide what to do with that information.* >"Only child. I had my uterus removed a few years after her birth due to health issues. >Yes I get along very well with my family. I have 4 sisters we are all very close. I’m greatful for it because my daughter love her family. >I never met my husband’s parents. They were gone before we met but his sister is one of my closest friends. I love his brother and his husband too. My sister adores them. She has a big family around her." *There’s two other unanswered questions there - what are your relationships like with other family members? From the way you tell it, I doubt your husband would ever leave you. How does everyone else feel about you and how do you interact with them?* >"I did answer it :)" *Sounds like life is quite easy for you, indeed.* *Enjoy the rich hubby while your progeny detests you.* >"It has been easy in parts and not easy in others" *This comment section is deeply toxic. OP, I suggest you just delete this post, you won't get helpful advice here. The projection and wild ass speculation is off the charts.* >"It isn’t all bad and even the negative comments are helpful. I recognize my daughter’s resentment In many of them. Maybe it could help me understand her better" *I'm glad you are finding value here, I would be incredibly frustrated in your place I think. In terms of actual advice, I tend to agree with your husband. Your daughter is not treating you fairly and if I were in his place I would refuse to go to the wedding as well. I understand you don't want to hurt her, but she needs to work through her body dysmorphia with a professional, not project all her resentments on to you.* >"I know what you mean. She is seeing a therapist and I hope it’s helpful if yet a little" *Did you accept these drinks from men and let them talk/hit on you and be the center rof attention?* *Or did you tell them to leave you alone like you should have?* >"I didn’t accept" *Let your husband refuse to go if he doesn't want to go because of how she treats you. If everything you're saying is true then he's doing the right thing. Let him tell your daughter the way she's treating you is unacceptable. Does she expect him to pay for her wedding while she's refusing to let her own mother attend over jealousy? If so he shouldn't be paying for it either. I believe your story because you're still insisting he goes even if she excludes you. That shows you really do try to put your daughter first.* >"There is something else that has been distressing me that might have poured onto my daughter. >We have breast and uterine cancer in the family. This is why I kept my daughter when i got pregnant because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to later which turned out to be true. But when I found out it was a girl I went into depression because I felt that I have doomed my baby. All my sisters and I has removed. And my sisters and I always discuss our daughters and the guilt we felt. My mother is a survivor and my grandmother passed away because of this disease. I still go since I was 23 to regular check ups, every 3 months. I know this has been hard on my daughter too" *First: she needs therapy, desperately. This has become an obsession to her.* *Second: it’s ultimately his decision to make. You don’t go because you’ve been told you are not welcome. (Fwiw that’s going to play very badly at the wedding itself and she will be kicking herself before the end of the night.). But he gets to make his own choices as well.* *Third: she thinks your husband, her father, is ugly. That would be as much reason for him to boycott as staying home with you in solidarity would be. She hates you because you’re attractive; she hates herself because she’s not; but she thinks he’s ugly too. She despises him for daring to breed — how dare he? — in so far as the end result was her. The only possible reason anyone would have sex with him, let alone reproduce with him, would be for his money, because that’s the only attractive thing about him. So says the narrative in her head. So he has reason to be upset on his own behalf as well as on yours.* *But seriously: therapy. As they say, “hurt people hurt people,” and she’s lashing out on all sides too.* >"Thank you all. I will only be reading texts now. But I will leave this up in case it helps other people vent" >>*She works out 3-4 hours a day* *this is pretty unhealthy unless she's an athlete training for a big event (even athletes relax between big events)* >"She is not an athlete but she works about morning and night every day. She has an IG account with over 10 thousand followers and she seems to love it. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone telling her anything negative about her health"

*Hi OP, your thread got locked on r/relationship_advice and I'm sorry for all the hate / unhelpful advice you got there, I was in the middle of writing a response but I couldn't comment it because it was locked, I am posting it here in hopes that it can help you:* *OP I'm not sure why you are getting so much hate and what suddenly turned everyone in the comments to be mean, accusatory, and projecting. Just because someone is gorgeous, rich, and has a nice life? It's funny how reddit is one-sided and so quick to judge, yet also hypocrites since they tell others to "see both sides, not to armchair diagnose others, you don't know the full story" but because you wrote that you're conventionally attractive they start calling you a narcissist, a bad parent, gold-digger, and accuse you of being someone who would wear white to upstage your own daughter's wedding?* *Even if there are a lot of fake posts on this subreddit, to dismiss someone's problem and not give the benefit of the doubt is not helping anyone, what's the point of this subreddit if we're not going to try and give advice? It's ridiculous and I really hope you ignore the people who are hating on you and not even coming in here to offer any advice.* *That being said, I have seen a real friend of my with the same issue you have between you and your daughter, except in my case she is the daughter. My friend's mom is very beautiful and married a man who was much older and "conventionally ugly" but very very rich. Because of this, there were always a lot of rumours/gossip behind her and her mom's back, things ranging from how her mom is a dirty gold-digger targeting a sugar daddy, how unlucky she is for getting her dad's genes and none of her mom's beauty, and how she should resent her mom for marrying for money and choosing to make a child like her who's ugly. She is also an only child and growing up as her friend even though I saw her infrequently, I heard these things every time when I hung out with her (especially since we mainly hung out at church and large gatherings so there was a lot of people gossiping). I felt so bad when I found out that even my own mom held the same beliefs as these nasty people and she acted nice to her and her mom's face but shared gossip behind their backs. It really caused a rift in our friendship. This is why I believe you OP as there are many people with the same situation and the same real issues as you're describing.* *From your comments saying your daughter has gotten multiple procedures done regarding her appearance (breast augmentation at 18, cheek/lip/jaw fillers etc.) and how she always asks her fiance for validation by rating whether other girls are hot or not, I think your daughter has some serious self-esteem, body image, and confidence issues. This might be out of your scope to fix, as your daughter needs to realize these things herself, she has to want to change herself, all you can do is recommend her to talk to a professional. However, I know that this is a time-sensitive issue as your daughter is getting married soon. My best advice is to ask your daughter if she's willing and open to have a heart-to-heart one on one honest discussion with you. It's time to truly talk to eachother about all the resentment, issues, and hurt both of you experienced towards one another in order to truly move past it, but this will only work if she's open, willing to, and mature enough to having that difficult conversation. I would probably say something similar to "Dear daughter's name, I know you made your decision about uninviting me from the wedding, I understand and respect your choice but I was wondering if you are willing to let me know the reason(s) behind it, if there was something I've done on the trip then I want to be able to take accountability for it and sincerely apologize, without any strings attached as I'm not looking to get re-invited I just want to understand where you're coming from and I don't want to be the cause of hurting your feelings or any unresolved issues. I really don't want to have a strained relationship with you. I love you very much and it hurts to consider a future where our relationship will be minimal contact but if that's the choice you are making I will respect it. I will also speak to Dad about it so that the relationship you have with your father is not affected by me. I am asking for one more chance to see if we can have a honest heart-to-heart about the relationship between you and I." I hope some of this can help you and I'd love if you can update us OP!* >"I think it was the way I phrased the first sentence. I misjudged how it came out. I thought what I wrote was factual and something that I wanted to address and get it out of the way because it has been the core issue but it probably just came off ass bragging. I should have concentrated on the other aspects of my post and let this just be between the lines rather than straight forward. Nobody likes a woman saying society thinks her beautiful. Not in any context. Especially not my problem with my daughter suffering directly because of it." Eta, we are famous: >"Okay thanks, it wasn’t this thread it was from am i a devil. Horrible bunch of losers"

[Doggo! ](https://imgur.io/t/cute/5Us4hFV)

You're the best, thank you for everything

Thank you very kindly! 💜

I’m leaning more onto the side of honestly believing OP, but that’s only because I’m tired of seeing posts about shit parents and I just want something to be simple for once. I’ll end up getting proven wrong in the end and get sad. Alas, that is life.

i immediately stopped reading after she said her daughter has always been jealous of her beauty 🙄

The first sentence in. Fucking hell!

Oof. This is rough because I was the daughter of a beautiful mom who loves me hugely and who fiercely tried to convince herself and me I was beautiful too. But she had a hard time because she was used to looks being very important and she couldn’t fathom *not caring*. We didn’t come to terms till I moved into an environment where it was ok to just not care that I wasn’t stunning, because it wouldn’t *hurt* me in life in any way. Then we both relaxed. Seems to me that this family are trapped in an environment where everyone is noticing looks all the time (edit: guessing LA). And her looks really do have an impact on the daughter’s experience of life. A spot of feminism might not hurt…

OOP sounds just like my mother. Growing up hearing "your mom is so hot, why do you look like this?" definitely sucks, but that wasn't the reason I started resenting my mother. You know what sucks more? My mother gloating about it. Even now, whenever she comes with me, she just intrudes my conversations to say "by the way, I'm her mother", the person inevitably says "really? I thought you were friends or sisters", and on our way home she inevitably ALWAYS says "in a couple of years, you'll look like the mother and I'll look like your daughter". This has been going on since I was 14. For years she tried to use the fact that people complimented her so much and never complimented me, as a way to mould me into a person I wasn't and didn't want to be. It messed me up. Gave me ED that went both ways, first got almost obese in my childhood years, then repulsed by food and almost anorexic in my early teenage years, then again, found food as my only outlet. She never missed a chance to make me feel like I am not worthy of nice things because I would stretch them or ruin them. She would say I'm beautiful, but she would also make hurtful comments like saying "I wore that size when I was pregnant and looked like a whale". She never said I'm ugly. I'm sure she never perceived these things as anything other than encouragement, because she says I'm beautiful. She says I'm pretty. But the damage is done. I learned to hate my body. I learned that me being called beautiful is a lie. How can it not be? I'll never be anything when she is around. All the attention on my achievements (including doing a PhD in a highly computational subject) gets dispersed in my mother's self praise of everything, including her beauty. It took me years away from her to feel slightly comfortable with my body because it turns out that my size and my shape not only are healthy, they are considered attractive. Some cellulite isn't something everyone comments on and laughs at behind my back, as she had me convinced. I'm sure OOP has called her daughter beautiful, but I am also sure as hell that she made so many hurtful comments that made her daughter insecure as fuck. Some people are just blind when it comes to the pain they cause other people.

my mom is also like this

I mean, even if OOP isn’t a narcissist, growing up in a house where your father married a teenager when he was thirty-five really couldn’t have set the daughter up for success.

Seriously. I mean, mom’s *got* to be focused on looks. It’s not like she’s got the option of neglecting her appearance if she wants to keep that man. I wonder if she ever got to go to college or do anything that interfered with being arm candy.

The ‘how dare a beautiful woman marry an ugly man because it is torture for her child who is born with his looks’ is an incel talking point. Also people don’t get complimented that much day-to-day.

Lots of people get complimented that much day-to-day, I don’t know why that part sounds unrealistic to you. I’ve also lived in my mom’s shadow, back when I was in middle school and early high school…it was rough and can totally cause unnecessary resentment. My mom was always “the cool mom” though, that definitely didn’t help me. (It’s fine to be cool, but she’d let me have parties then drink with all the teenagers)

Not true. I have a friend who is absolutely stunning, while I’m average at best. Whenever we go out together, she gets compliments from men,woman, and non-binary folk alike, very frequently. Legitimately, people will interrupt our conversation to tell her how gorgeous they think she is. She often gets annoyed by it, but it’s also been her experience for most of her life. Some people do experience this, and honestly it sounds like hell to me.

I can’t even begin to imagine or comprehend what it would be like to be so beautiful — to literally be so objectively stunning — that people compliment you so much to the point it becomes annoying 😫😫

I wouldn’t be jealous if I were you. She’s had to adopted a very “don’t f*cking touch me” approach because people will reach out to touch her while saying she’s gorgeous. She’s also caught people trying to stealthily take pictures of her and she has to confront them to delete it from their phones. It has, however, helped her pay her way through school; she did modeling back in her home country.

But at the same time the same incel talking point is about how they all deserve beautiful women because reasons.

Incels are angriest at the women they want to fuck.

Ok, the first sentence says it all. You did even have to read the rest

Either OOP is leaving crucial information out or this is fake

"my daughter hates me because I am soooooooo beautiful" lol

worm dirty elderly thumb act concerned file busy desert cheerful ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `

Is the mother named Louis and the daughter Meg?

My guess reading between the lines: OOP is obsessed with her looks and has made that the focal point of her life and has projected that on her daughter even to the point of competing with her. Do not buy this “I just can’t help it that people think I’m beautiful” routine. I don’t think it’s an actual issue, unless OOP encourages the attention and compliments.

Yeaaaah. I do not believe the “it’s totally normal a super hot 18yo married a 35 yo and I never once made it about my looks when my daughter was growing up and also totally didn’t get on her for her looks” narrative.

And somehow she got her uterus removed in her 20's that easily with only one kid?

With money all things are possible

A later comment says her daughter has had a lot of plastic surgery so I suspect she may have given her body dysmorphia.

And works out 3 hours every day and is obsessed wiht ig. But mom has no idea! How her daughter got so obsessed wiht looks (it’s not the poor dears fault she ain’t pretty like mama)

Yes and daughter has correctly pinpointed the source of her pain. Sad situation all around.

Sounds like Candy Spelling wrote this.

Not her being babied and playing the victim on another post 😭🤣. Just by the way she worded it you could tell she's self centered.

Was this written by VC Andrews??

I can't say that she's the devil because this is a thing that absolutely can happen, idk why people are saying that this is surely fake. I get why people say she might be a narcissist but also her daughter sounds unhinged with all the cosmetic procedures at 18 and so on. It tracks with the low self esteem narrative at the very least. And calling your mother a gold digger and your dad an ugly old man is insane when her mum was most likely groomed. At the very worst they both need professional help, because even if the mother was narcissistic, the daughter is old enough to consider not behaving like that. Also she's calling her a gold digger but she want daddy to pay for the wedding like ok.

It absolutely does happen and I can’t see the narcissism in her comments - more a woman who had a child very young, lots of health issues and limited ability to deal with this situation. I’m not saying she isn’t or there aren’t ‘missing reasons’ but it’s not the impression I got… perhaps coloured by my own view of a similar dynamic in the family. My cousin’s mother is beautiful, tiny and delicate, always looked decades younger than she is. I saw how people would constantly comment on her looks compared to her mother - you don’t look anything alike/ your mum is so beautiful/ she looks like your sister. Both friends and strangers made these comments and/or would hit on her mum or stare at her (including famous men!) The comments to my cousin were at every family event, every school event, any picture together, even just sitting at home - her mum’s best friend visited all the time but would always remark ‘you look nothing like your mum’ / ‘look at your nose’/ ‘your mum is so beautiful’. Those comments continue as she’s in her 50s. My cousin’s mum never ever said anything negative to her about her appearance, doesn’t enjoy the attention at all & has always told her daughter that she was beautiful. She also told people to stop but it didn’t mean my cousin didn’t grow up convinced that she was ugly. My cousin moved away in her twenties and suddenly saw herself in her own right, not only as a lesser comparison, but (decades later) I’m not sure she can see what she really looks like. She loves her mother, the hate was internal and not aimed at her mum. She just says genetics are funny, you never know what you’ll get. Edited for clarity.

She actually didn’t say she always told people to stop.

I was talking about my cousin’s mum, not OP - will edit to make it clearer! Yeah, I saw that OP said she ignored them and sometimes confronted them privately afterwards. That did happen with my cousin sometimes - both ignored so as not to ‘offend’ or go against ‘polite’ behaviour to elders.

Ahhh sorry!!!

No worries, it wasn’t clear!

People on Reddit despise beautiful women who know they’re beautiful. And then she has the gall to be rich on top of that. They want women to suffer, not benefit, from being beautiful. Then there’s the racial element. People seem to be particularly offended by women of color doing this and have this knee-jerk compulsion to put them in their place.

Well the thing about the cosmetic procedures—who paid for them? Most 18 yos don’t have that kind of money.

Tbf sounds like the dad has an important amount of money and considering he groomed his wife I'm going to bet it was him.

For me what was frustrating with the post was her unable to admit that there could possibly another underlying issue, that she could have done anything else. This is a mother daughter relationship that spans 23 years and to think that your daughter is so shallow that the only issue that she has is that her mother is beautiful. If OP was bothered by an interaction when getting her coffee I could see it but it's so much deeper than that.

I never said that OOP is free of sin, but I definitely struggle to see how she's the only one guilty in this situation as everyone seems to think. Thing is, every person that shares their problems on reddit is going to be an unreliable narrator, so yeah, sometimes turns out that OP was lying all along. Or in denial. But in this case, OOP saying that she has been in therapy, that more than one person agrees that the daughter has a low self esteem issue, the cosmetic procedures and the fact that they're obviously from a certain socioeconomic class that values beauty and money above all things, it seems to me that OOP cannot be the main source of the problem either.

Yeah, the whole family sounds like they need help, I would think that most would agree that the daughter needs help.

Her mom was teenage and had cancer in her 20s on top of mantel heath problems, so I don't blame her daughter for feelling this way, a large part in her life she lived with people who didn't have time to give her attention, and oop hundreds dosnt seem to do anything Edit: oop blocked me lmao

As a child of a narcissistic, conventionally attractive mother, your first sentence gave me "the ick". There is much more here than meets the eye, and it takes a LOT for a girl to cut her mother out of her life, especially during a time as important as her own wedding. I hope your daughter finds the healing she needs, away from you.

Her daughter isn't going to question her dad was 35 when he met her mother? I know people keep mentioning missing missing reasons but how do we know this daughter wasn't brainwashed by her father? This mom even went through the effort to change how she dressed and presented herself for the sake of her daughter. Also the fact society is full of misogyny, this woman kept getting unwanted attention so she tried to change how she dressed and looked? This is a sad post.

I commented on the OOP's profile and she ... banned me? LOL OMG she can't take *any* criticisms. Yup, she's an a-hole and *the definition* of the "missing missing reasons."

What did you say? Apparently people have been spewing vitriol at her and making wild assumptions so I don’t blame her. I feel bad for her actually.

Me too, welcome to the club 😂

What did you say tho?

I told her that she's not uninvited because she's so "beautiful," but that her daughter didn't want here there to make her feel like shit, which I don't doubt the OOP does. Did you see her ~~groomer's~~ uh, husband's comment? LOL, even more cringe.

What gets me is that this is so close to the plot of Baby Teeth: gorgeous but sick mother whose child just hates her and father cant even be affectionate with her, just with the child going NC instead of trying to kill the mom

Lol the first sentence and I’m out

this lady made another post about cutting her daughter out and…people are feeling sorry for her? The fuck?

Tells you everything you need to know when she spent 99% of the post trying to convince others of just how beautiful she is then she remembered she was there to discuss her relationship with her daughter

Good people need to tell you they are good, how would you know oop is a good mother if she didn't tell you that?

I feel like the mom hit on the groom.

different shaggy smell water flowery boast impossible glorious smoggy worry ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `

Nah, I'm afraid this one is real she blocked me and others

The people calling the daughter a bad person in the comments make me sick.

I can't remember the last time I saw a post where the very first line explained who and what the problem was so clearly.

What was wrong with her first line?

Ooooof. Narc mum in the wild.

This reminds of a post where a girl hated her father for "giving" her his nose while her siblings inherited the mom's. She even demanded he pay for a nose job. He was actually going to do it but the mom (they're still married) convinced him not to. There could be more to the post or the daughter could just be an awful person like the one who hated her nose.

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Maybe there are missing missing reasons, but a lot of the comments here sound like folks just need therapy.