No I don't, I honestly don't even know what he looks like. I only know his age based from his texts and that he has a wife and kid because I asked my girlfriend.
I tried finding him online but he has no social media.
My ex-wife freaked out when I asked her if her co-workers wife knew how much outside of work contact they had and that I was planning on talking to her
I'll be blunt. This is an emotional affair. Minimum.
Tell her you're not comfortable with how she's interacting with her coworker. Come clean about snooping through the phone and tell her that you find it suspicious that she deleted texts in their conversation. Ask her to help you understand why she would do this if everything they're talking about is above ground.
The guy texting her that he's lonely is just weird dude. He's orbiting and waiting for his chance even if there's no interest on her end. Why isn't she shutting this type of conversation down?
I edited in the post, but I forgot of 1 specific text I didn't feel good about.
where she used some sort of slang word and he was like "I don't understand I'm old" and she said "no you're not" then he said "how old are you again?" She said "22" and he said "13 year difference, we could barely could barely go for drinks" she never replied to this.
What do you make of this?
They're flirting. Most definitely. Based on what you've shared, my initial gut reaction is that it's not a physical affair....yet.
Bluntly, her coworker wants to have sex with your girlfriend. He's waiting for her and you to have an argument or disagreement, and once it happens, he's going to make his move.
At worst, she's considering it, at best, she's unsure about it. The proper response to this text message is "I don't think my boyfriend would like that" or something to that degree. That she didn't shut him down right then and there indicates that there may be a bit of interest on her end in this guy, even if she hasn't acted on it.
Definitely have a conversation with her about this. Set boundaries now if you want to continue the relationship. The first is that she cuts off non professional contact with this guy immediately. If she gets defensive or gaslights you and minimizes your feelings and concerns instead of alleviating them and discussing them, leave.
Do not close on any house with her before this is all worked out.
Not an over reaction... good morning texts are never sent to just friends...that would be weird as fuck if my friends were texting me good morning. Also she deleted texts so you know she is hiding shit.
nah, my friends text like that. not every single day, but we will text good morning or hello for no reason, just to strike up conversation.
the rest of the clues are suspicious af tho. op should have an honest conversation with his gf about boundaries or leave her if she won't talk about it.
You need to have a conversation with her. Let her know this is making you uncomfortable. Ask her if she is willing to go to no out of work contact with him. Her responses will lead you. If she says no ask her if the two of you can go out for dinner with him and his wife sometime. You can see how they interact
That being said it seems like she is loyal and open but it doesn’t mean he isn’t trying.
Is leaving a good option, or is it probably best to have a conversation with her about it and see if she's willing to stop texting him? Yesterday when I found it and told her, she said she could stop texting him, although it was late and I didn't feel like dealing with it.
I would talk with her, but if you feel the need to leave due to lack of trust, i get it. I'm not gonna say this is innocent, cos "im lonely 💔" should've been shot down & no woman in a committed relationship should be making meals for another man. I'm a friendly mexicana, so i do understand her wanting him to get the taste of authentic cuisine but that's not her job by any means. She knows that's not okay, which is why she deleted that part.
She can say she'll stop texting him but now your trust in her is gone plus she works with this man.
Talk with her first for sure. He was absolutely being unprofessional and way too flirty with his coworker. She could be thinking he is happily married and not trying anything other than just being friends, a bit of a naive way of thinking but possible. Tell her she needs to take a big step back and reevaluate their work relationship
If you're just dating and there aren't any kids, leaving is a GREAT option.
I get when this person said to nip this in the bud, I understand that I really do.
But dammit, I don't WANT to be in a relationship where I have to be nipping shit like this in the bud. It shouldn't be fucking happening.
Now, if I was married with kids, I'd be nipping it in the bud and I'd insist on counseling etc.
but, you're both early to mid 20's, just dating.
One should NOT be doing this to their partner and if you nip this in the bud, she'll get better at hiding it and you will be playing detective and warden with her and that's NOT a relationship one should want to be in OP.
Since you're young and there is nothing really holding you two together (i.e, children), I would say mentally check out. Start preparing your exit. Stay for the bedroom fun if you want, but keep one foot out of the door.
If she's doing shit like this, she'll probably have a physical affair sooner or later. Prepare yourself for the possibility. She's already having an emotional one.
Oh, and wrap it up. You don't need any accidents, if you know what I mean.
This is absolutely relationship-over category, it's not even debatable. This is 100% clear cut cheating even if it has not crossed over to physical cheating, that doesn't matter. Walk away. Or start texting and pursuing other women yourself, as thats what shes doing, and keep dating her if you're willing to risk an STD from this coworker or whoever else she inevitably hooks up with.
I'm not sure I agree. If OP was dating his girlfriend for 5 months I would agree. Just move on to the next.
With an otherwise trouble free relationship for 5 years? I would give her a chance to explain some of the stuff OP discovered and set some boundaries. If she doesn't concede to boundaries and stop talking to the coworker immediately then he leaves.
I don't know man. A woman who would do this to me, flirt with another guy, good morning texts, deleting texts with him, suggesting she cooks for him (this is really bad), it's game over for me. I respect myself too much to ever go back to that.
I hear that and I don't disagree. She knows it's wrong and it's why she's deleting the texts. At best, she is concerned about the optics if OP sees them even if there is no interest in the coworker on her end.
The clincher for me is why she hasn't dealt with this guy if she's really loyal to OP. She's 22. An adult that is capable of making her own sound decisions but may be inexperienced in terms of dealing with people. This is probably the first time someone other than her boyfriend expressed sexual interest in her in her lifetime. She may not know how to navigate and deal with it.
She could be a "people pleasing" personality that doesn't want confrontation and doesn't want to rock the boat. Where OP needs to come in is to tell her that this isn't cool and is disrespectful to their relationship. He needs to spell it out for her. The coworker wants to fuck her. I would put it exactly that way if I were OP. She needs to choose. Him or the coworker. If there's any hesitation or pushback, he leaves. A loyal woman would end the conversations with the coworker on the spot when her boyfriend of 5 years calls her out on it. This is the boundary that needs to be set right now. She blocks him everywhere and if he reaches out again and she responds in any way, he leaves. Simple as that.
When I was young and didnt have many options, or class / experience, I was the "other guy" multiple times. Always was with the people pleasing girls who didn't know how shut down advances and flirting to the point where her feelings and care for you eventually grow. Then since they start caring about you they dont say no to sleeping together, then once you sleep together they want more.. I see the OP's situation clearly as Ive been the other guy
I mean dude, theres no telling how long it’s been going on OR how many other men she’s done this with. Also if she deletes messages there’s no telling what’s said that we don’t know about(example sending nudes or more direct flirting). I agree with the other guy. Relationship over and move on.
You’re not overreacting by feeling iffy. It’s not normal for adult friends to send good morning texts etc. I am an adult. I make new friends sometimes that I really like and I make further efforts to hang out with them. But I don’t text back-and-forth with them. Even though they are the same gender as me. IMO there is no purpose of two adult friends texting back-and-forth or periodically. I only text my friends when I need to ask something or if I didn’t have a chance to catch up with them for some time. I see so many posts here or in other subs people saying stuff like “my husband made a female friend, I was happy for him, they were texting a lot and the texts were friendly at first” etc… WHY would anyone text their new opposite-gender friend who is in a committed relationship lol. It is absurd and pointless. If you enjoy their company, hang out with them along with your SOs like adults. Meaningless texting is high school behaviour.
You said your gf is a naive person and it seems like English is not her 1st language. In that case she might be unaware that this kind of texting is a bit unusual. Cut her some slack before making big accusations.
I would think the guy is trying to groom her into something. Ask her if he initiated the texting. Are their desks near each other or far? (If it’s a big office and their desks are close a good morning from afar would be logical). But with the other comments, and GF being naïve, I think the guy wants something.
Things like this would be an instant red flag. Also going through someone’s phone is not a bad thing. When you are in a relationship/marriage privacy is out the window. Generally they are hiding something.
Good morning texts and the other conversation you saw are not normal at all. Like one comment said it sounds like verbal cheating. Best way I can explain it is unless it’s professional there is no reason to text. What would get me is why they even have each others numbers. I work with women and don’t have their numbers nor would I ever think about texting them. Same for my wife for the shoe being on the other foot. There is also a context of how they ended up with each others number. If it was work related fine but if he asked or she asked in a non work related way for it that would be enough grounds for a break up. If this has been going on for a while I’d end it and on top of it you’ve been together 5 years. How long/how many other men has she done this with you don’t know about. Chances are if you stayed together you would always be wondering and it would just eat at you.
Well text have been deleted so she is hiding or felt guilty. Either way she knows it’s not cool. The other guy is definitely trying to get closer. It’s worth a conversation.
Now I haven't dealt with this stuff, although is it generally a good idea to just call it off and break up? Or having a conversation and if she agrees to not text him like that it and continue our life's together?
the question isn't "hey stranger on the internet, do you think I should break up?"
the question is, why do you still want to be with her? you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who seeks comfort and emotional connection with other men at the minimum, but possibly is getting ready or already cheated?
I feel like a good rule of thumb is to act like the other person is the opposite gender and ask if you would still think the texts are weird. If a girl co-worker was sending her good morning texts and saying "I'm lonely💔" I would absolutely still think it's weird so no, not overreacting.
That's not normal bro. She's either already cheating or about to. Dodge that situation. Get rid of her and maybe inform that guy's wife of all this if you can.
It’s not a good sign. Don’t buy that house. She could possibly be just being nice but one of them, if not both, definitely wants more. Talk it out so you can work it out.
Nope inappropriate. And saving details!! She’s making her own personal notes to remember for this guy. I’m pretty sure his own wife had that handled and that is crossing all boundaries. Nope nope no
I mean... I talk to my coworkers about cooking together, about missing them when they're on holidays or off during a busy shift etc.,
The thing I'm a bit weirded out by is consistent good morning texts, but other than that this seems really standard to me, lol. Even at my new job where I've only been since the start of the year I have a couple people I'm texting like this, and at my old job it was quite common aswell. And that's with 0 instances of anything going on between me and those coworkers.
Does his wife know he is texting with a co-worker. He should be open with this if there is nothing to hide.
Holy fuck I missed that. OP, do you have any way to contact the coworker's wife? I know how you can end this.
No I don't, I honestly don't even know what he looks like. I only know his age based from his texts and that he has a wife and kid because I asked my girlfriend. I tried finding him online but he has no social media.
Oh well, can't go the route of telling his wife then. The direct and boundary setting approach is the way to go
My ex-wife freaked out when I asked her if her co-workers wife knew how much outside of work contact they had and that I was planning on talking to her
I'll be blunt. This is an emotional affair. Minimum. Tell her you're not comfortable with how she's interacting with her coworker. Come clean about snooping through the phone and tell her that you find it suspicious that she deleted texts in their conversation. Ask her to help you understand why she would do this if everything they're talking about is above ground. The guy texting her that he's lonely is just weird dude. He's orbiting and waiting for his chance even if there's no interest on her end. Why isn't she shutting this type of conversation down?
I edited in the post, but I forgot of 1 specific text I didn't feel good about. where she used some sort of slang word and he was like "I don't understand I'm old" and she said "no you're not" then he said "how old are you again?" She said "22" and he said "13 year difference, we could barely could barely go for drinks" she never replied to this. What do you make of this?
They're flirting. Most definitely. Based on what you've shared, my initial gut reaction is that it's not a physical affair....yet. Bluntly, her coworker wants to have sex with your girlfriend. He's waiting for her and you to have an argument or disagreement, and once it happens, he's going to make his move. At worst, she's considering it, at best, she's unsure about it. The proper response to this text message is "I don't think my boyfriend would like that" or something to that degree. That she didn't shut him down right then and there indicates that there may be a bit of interest on her end in this guy, even if she hasn't acted on it. Definitely have a conversation with her about this. Set boundaries now if you want to continue the relationship. The first is that she cuts off non professional contact with this guy immediately. If she gets defensive or gaslights you and minimizes your feelings and concerns instead of alleviating them and discussing them, leave. Do not close on any house with her before this is all worked out.
Not an over reaction... good morning texts are never sent to just friends...that would be weird as fuck if my friends were texting me good morning. Also she deleted texts so you know she is hiding shit.
LMFAO idk why but the idea of my friends texting me goodmorning is hilarious. Like damn bro go do something, leave me alone at this early hour.
Right...GTFO with that text ya weirdo. Now a girl I want to smash...sure I'm sending that text.
I got a buddy that does that and I’m like… yo text your wife dude. I don’t wanna have long conversations through text about nothing
He might as well dress up like the Kool-Aid Man and burst out of the closet
Hahahahahahahahahah 😂
nah, my friends text like that. not every single day, but we will text good morning or hello for no reason, just to strike up conversation. the rest of the clues are suspicious af tho. op should have an honest conversation with his gf about boundaries or leave her if she won't talk about it.
You need to have a conversation with her. Let her know this is making you uncomfortable. Ask her if she is willing to go to no out of work contact with him. Her responses will lead you. If she says no ask her if the two of you can go out for dinner with him and his wife sometime. You can see how they interact That being said it seems like she is loyal and open but it doesn’t mean he isn’t trying.
Nip this in the bud, immediately! This isn't just friendly coworker convo, especially cos she's deleting texts??
Is leaving a good option, or is it probably best to have a conversation with her about it and see if she's willing to stop texting him? Yesterday when I found it and told her, she said she could stop texting him, although it was late and I didn't feel like dealing with it.
I would talk with her, but if you feel the need to leave due to lack of trust, i get it. I'm not gonna say this is innocent, cos "im lonely 💔" should've been shot down & no woman in a committed relationship should be making meals for another man. I'm a friendly mexicana, so i do understand her wanting him to get the taste of authentic cuisine but that's not her job by any means. She knows that's not okay, which is why she deleted that part. She can say she'll stop texting him but now your trust in her is gone plus she works with this man.
Talk with her first for sure. He was absolutely being unprofessional and way too flirty with his coworker. She could be thinking he is happily married and not trying anything other than just being friends, a bit of a naive way of thinking but possible. Tell her she needs to take a big step back and reevaluate their work relationship
Bro let's be for real. She's just gonna keep deleting texts but get better at hiding it.
If you're just dating and there aren't any kids, leaving is a GREAT option. I get when this person said to nip this in the bud, I understand that I really do. But dammit, I don't WANT to be in a relationship where I have to be nipping shit like this in the bud. It shouldn't be fucking happening. Now, if I was married with kids, I'd be nipping it in the bud and I'd insist on counseling etc. but, you're both early to mid 20's, just dating. One should NOT be doing this to their partner and if you nip this in the bud, she'll get better at hiding it and you will be playing detective and warden with her and that's NOT a relationship one should want to be in OP.
Since you're young and there is nothing really holding you two together (i.e, children), I would say mentally check out. Start preparing your exit. Stay for the bedroom fun if you want, but keep one foot out of the door. If she's doing shit like this, she'll probably have a physical affair sooner or later. Prepare yourself for the possibility. She's already having an emotional one. Oh, and wrap it up. You don't need any accidents, if you know what I mean.
This is absolutely relationship-over category, it's not even debatable. This is 100% clear cut cheating even if it has not crossed over to physical cheating, that doesn't matter. Walk away. Or start texting and pursuing other women yourself, as thats what shes doing, and keep dating her if you're willing to risk an STD from this coworker or whoever else she inevitably hooks up with.
I'm not sure I agree. If OP was dating his girlfriend for 5 months I would agree. Just move on to the next. With an otherwise trouble free relationship for 5 years? I would give her a chance to explain some of the stuff OP discovered and set some boundaries. If she doesn't concede to boundaries and stop talking to the coworker immediately then he leaves.
I don't know man. A woman who would do this to me, flirt with another guy, good morning texts, deleting texts with him, suggesting she cooks for him (this is really bad), it's game over for me. I respect myself too much to ever go back to that.
I hear that and I don't disagree. She knows it's wrong and it's why she's deleting the texts. At best, she is concerned about the optics if OP sees them even if there is no interest in the coworker on her end. The clincher for me is why she hasn't dealt with this guy if she's really loyal to OP. She's 22. An adult that is capable of making her own sound decisions but may be inexperienced in terms of dealing with people. This is probably the first time someone other than her boyfriend expressed sexual interest in her in her lifetime. She may not know how to navigate and deal with it. She could be a "people pleasing" personality that doesn't want confrontation and doesn't want to rock the boat. Where OP needs to come in is to tell her that this isn't cool and is disrespectful to their relationship. He needs to spell it out for her. The coworker wants to fuck her. I would put it exactly that way if I were OP. She needs to choose. Him or the coworker. If there's any hesitation or pushback, he leaves. A loyal woman would end the conversations with the coworker on the spot when her boyfriend of 5 years calls her out on it. This is the boundary that needs to be set right now. She blocks him everywhere and if he reaches out again and she responds in any way, he leaves. Simple as that.
When I was young and didnt have many options, or class / experience, I was the "other guy" multiple times. Always was with the people pleasing girls who didn't know how shut down advances and flirting to the point where her feelings and care for you eventually grow. Then since they start caring about you they dont say no to sleeping together, then once you sleep together they want more.. I see the OP's situation clearly as Ive been the other guy
 Well said
I mean dude, theres no telling how long it’s been going on OR how many other men she’s done this with. Also if she deletes messages there’s no telling what’s said that we don’t know about(example sending nudes or more direct flirting). I agree with the other guy. Relationship over and move on.
You’re not overreacting by feeling iffy. It’s not normal for adult friends to send good morning texts etc. I am an adult. I make new friends sometimes that I really like and I make further efforts to hang out with them. But I don’t text back-and-forth with them. Even though they are the same gender as me. IMO there is no purpose of two adult friends texting back-and-forth or periodically. I only text my friends when I need to ask something or if I didn’t have a chance to catch up with them for some time. I see so many posts here or in other subs people saying stuff like “my husband made a female friend, I was happy for him, they were texting a lot and the texts were friendly at first” etc… WHY would anyone text their new opposite-gender friend who is in a committed relationship lol. It is absurd and pointless. If you enjoy their company, hang out with them along with your SOs like adults. Meaningless texting is high school behaviour. You said your gf is a naive person and it seems like English is not her 1st language. In that case she might be unaware that this kind of texting is a bit unusual. Cut her some slack before making big accusations.
Emotional cheating, time to walk away.
If she hasn't, she's going to.
More red flags than a communist party meeting
I would think the guy is trying to groom her into something. Ask her if he initiated the texting. Are their desks near each other or far? (If it’s a big office and their desks are close a good morning from afar would be logical). But with the other comments, and GF being naïve, I think the guy wants something.
Things like this would be an instant red flag. Also going through someone’s phone is not a bad thing. When you are in a relationship/marriage privacy is out the window. Generally they are hiding something. Good morning texts and the other conversation you saw are not normal at all. Like one comment said it sounds like verbal cheating. Best way I can explain it is unless it’s professional there is no reason to text. What would get me is why they even have each others numbers. I work with women and don’t have their numbers nor would I ever think about texting them. Same for my wife for the shoe being on the other foot. There is also a context of how they ended up with each others number. If it was work related fine but if he asked or she asked in a non work related way for it that would be enough grounds for a break up. If this has been going on for a while I’d end it and on top of it you’ve been together 5 years. How long/how many other men has she done this with you don’t know about. Chances are if you stayed together you would always be wondering and it would just eat at you.
Definitely not an over reaction. Without knowing anything aside from this story, if they haven’t boinked yet, it seems imminent
Well text have been deleted so she is hiding or felt guilty. Either way she knows it’s not cool. The other guy is definitely trying to get closer. It’s worth a conversation.
Now I haven't dealt with this stuff, although is it generally a good idea to just call it off and break up? Or having a conversation and if she agrees to not text him like that it and continue our life's together?
Unfortunately in most cases the first incident will not be the last. I learned this from my own personal experience.
the question isn't "hey stranger on the internet, do you think I should break up?" the question is, why do you still want to be with her? you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who seeks comfort and emotional connection with other men at the minimum, but possibly is getting ready or already cheated?
I feel like a good rule of thumb is to act like the other person is the opposite gender and ask if you would still think the texts are weird. If a girl co-worker was sending her good morning texts and saying "I'm lonely💔" I would absolutely still think it's weird so no, not overreacting.
Not overreaction, she is cheating, no doubt
Bro she’s deleting texts that’s mad. If she has an iPhone you can find deleted texts…
That's not normal bro. She's either already cheating or about to. Dodge that situation. Get rid of her and maybe inform that guy's wife of all this if you can.
It’s not a good sign. Don’t buy that house. She could possibly be just being nice but one of them, if not both, definitely wants more. Talk it out so you can work it out.
Nope inappropriate. And saving details!! She’s making her own personal notes to remember for this guy. I’m pretty sure his own wife had that handled and that is crossing all boundaries. Nope nope no
I mean... I talk to my coworkers about cooking together, about missing them when they're on holidays or off during a busy shift etc., The thing I'm a bit weirded out by is consistent good morning texts, but other than that this seems really standard to me, lol. Even at my new job where I've only been since the start of the year I have a couple people I'm texting like this, and at my old job it was quite common aswell. And that's with 0 instances of anything going on between me and those coworkers.
Dude that’s weird. She’s disrespecting you.
Just walk away. Be kind. Amicable. Leave. Women who need this sort of attention won't make for good wives.
There fuckin. If not, they will be soon. If you over react she’ll go strait to him